#ITS HELPING ME A LOT AND IM PUTTING MORE NUTRIENTS IN MY BODY

[silverjirachi]

DEPRESSED/CHRONICALLY ILL ADULT TIP i don’t know if this is something that is obvious, but it’s never something that had been explained to me. i had an issue with wasting a lot of my produce each week because i can only eat… so much produce in a week… and the stores only sell them in family sizes.

and while i still can’t go through a family of four’s produce, i realized i can… put.. the produce… on pre cooked food??

not only is it saving me critical time and energy when im on the verge of passing out from exhaustion, but it gives me extra nutrients and makes the frozen/pre-packaged food seem so much fresher. i just cut up a bunch of mushrooms and tomatoes and peppers to put on a frozen pizza. Cut up green onions and celery to put in a canned soup. it’s not completely solving the food waste problem, but i’m going through a lot more, and it’s like a cheat to making an otherwise “lazy” meal seem like something special.

[floppydiskettess]

VALORANT AGENTS REACTING TO THEIR S/O GETTING INJURED ON A MISSION

featuring - sage, killjoy, cypher, yoru, sova, gekko, viper

a/n : cyphers part contains a lot of angst and alcohol talk. i couldnt let it ALL be fluff 😋

✮~ Sage ~✮

literally the sweetest ever, but this doesn't need to be said

if its a minor injury, she will definitely be giving you a talk about being safer and how to prevent that from happening

"but what if it was something more serious? something even I couldn't heal? you must be more careful angel."

if her s/o was harmed badly, she would do two things.

one, she would immedietely drop everything and rush towards healing you, this woman will stay up all night trying to heal you and make sure that there is not so much as a scratch left on your body. she would definitely overwork herself but making sure you are alright is all that matters.

two, the second you are stable and resting, she is going to find out whichever enemy agent hurt you and fuck. them. up.

im talking full battle sage, she will have no mercy if the injury they caused was threatening enough.

she may excude sweet and kind energy but she is one scary lady when the people she loves are harmed

she knows exactly how damaged a body must be for it to be unfixable.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't be there my dear, but they won't be hurting you again."

she will be watching you carefully, even asking brimstone to take you off of missions for a short time or asking him to keep an eye on you.

she doesn't know what she would do if she lost you..

☻︎~ Killjoy ~︎︎☹︎

she blames herself, how could she not? she designed most of the stuff...it must be a error in her inventions.

she will work night and day trying to figure out what happened. was it a weapon error? did the gun she designed for you malfunction? oh no was she to blame for anyone elses injuries?!

it would take a lot of reassurance for her to calm down. after all, this wouldn't have happened if she had been more careful...right?

"Mein gott...you scared me. I thought I lost you schatzi..."

she is going to be by your side after sage discharges you from her infirmary. expect lots of physical affection (if your comfortable with it.) and care.

she will treat you as if you were glass about to break. you will not be doing any chores while you recover.

oh you need to work on a mission report? its already finished and submitted. you are hungry? she would cook a lovely meal her parents would make her when she was sick. (with the help of some other agents...shes probaly not a great cook lets be honest..)

"KJ...Sage gave me the all clear! I can do it!"

" Nein nein! You are going to rest mein Häschen! I don't want you straining yourself!"

♖~ Cypher ~♖

if you get injured, be it minor or major. this man will WORRY.

he already lost everything, he cannot lose you either. if he did...he would have nothing.

when sage showed up at his door covered in blood and bruises. he knew something went wrong.

you told him you were going on a small mission. just an in and out radianite extraction at an abandoned lab. he had no reason to worry...right?

when he heard what had happened, he was devastated. what was supposed to be a quick mission turned out to be a setup. what makes it worse? you were alone at your site.

he will be thinking the worst. what if you...? if he had only done a more detailed check on the lab...maybe he could have protected you. but he didn't. he feels like he failed.

you spend weeks in the recovery bay, lying unconcious.

he spends those weeks without you in his lab drinking the memories away and trying to figure out what happened.

he just cannot function with the thought of losing you at the back of his mind at all times.

he knows he was caught when viper appears at his doorway with a concerned glare and a solemn looking sage in tow. he can't remember most of it, but viper was worried? about him?

soon he was also transported to sages infirmary. getting put on nutrients and oxygen. it was obvious he was not taking care of himself without your presence

when you wake up, he would be right there cradling your cheek with his hand. his mask nowhere in sight. all that matters was that you were safe now

"يا حياتي..i was so scared i lost you"

he will never forget his past, but he looks forward to his future with you.

can you tell i like cypher guys :)

☁︎~ Yoru ~☁︎

do not even get me started on this man

he would be extremely angry.

but is it at you, the others, or maybe himself?"

upon hearing the news, he would immediately check on you. seeing your unconcious body just makes something in him snap. the thought that someone had done this to you...he plants a soft kiss to your temple, before storming out of the infirmary.

for the next few days, he would lash out at everyone around him. sage came around to bring him some food as he had not left his room and he just...lost it.

he wasn't even sure who he was yelling at, who he was blaming for what happened. poor sage looked petrified and the others seemed to gather the idea yoru didn't want to be talked too right now.

with no word from anybody about your condition, he lay down on his bed and cried numbly. every night he would teleport into where sage had kept you to heal. he would sit in silence staring at your asleep face before always kissing your forehead goodbye. in hopes that somehow, you would wake up.

he went to your room and grabbed some sweaters of yours, every night he slept with them for comfort, clinging onto them as if they were going to leave him too.

when you wake up, he won't care about keeping his mysterious "badass" persona up. he will be at your side holding your hand and crying.

"please be more careful 私の日光...i don't know what i would do if i lost you."

when sage discharges you, he will be glued to you. he will simple little things for you (such as opening doors for you.)

his love language is definitely acts of service

if you teased him about this though, he will never admit to it.

he will be doing simple things such as cooking meals, cleaning up, and helping you finish any work you have

he is so domestic

he may not be super outwardly affectionate, but with each small favour he does for you he is putting all of his love into it.

𖦹~ Sova ~𖦹

sova is literally the most caring boyfriend...like ever..

if its a minor injury, he will treat it (if sage and skye are off on a mission).

he will definitely lightly scold you, not to be mean! just because he hates seeing you hurt and in pain.

"ангел. please be more careful next time..you know i hate seeing you upset."

if it was a major injury though, he is relatively the same.

he isn't scared to cry infront of the others, when he gets the news that your mission went south he was crying into sages shoulder.

he would stay with you the entire recovery. sage had to keep kicking him out at nighttime but eventually she realized she couldn't stop him. she simply would bring meals for him whenever he would forget to eat.

he would sit and tell you about his day, how the missions were going, even the silly schenanigans that the younger agents were pulling

"yoru tried to get revenge on phoenix for his prank but it went so bad ангел. he entered his rift and jumped out to scare him, but reyna happened to have just been passing by! she was absolutely livid родная. i have never seen our dear riftwalker so terrified!" he chuckled

when you woke up, he was still there lightly snoring against the chair sage had brought him.

when he woke up, he was thrilled, his eyes immediately lighting up like a childs

"have you been sitting here the whole time?"

"of course my dear. as if i would leave you."

߷~ Gekko ~߷

as the newest agent, he hasn't known you for very long. your relationship was coming up to a few months old but he hadn't told you how much he loved you yet.

so naturally, when he heard you were injured he was terrified

he knew this job was dangerous! he just never thought it would be you getting injured...he also never really thought of anyone getting badly injured

he was training with harbour when he overheard a mission going wrong...a mission you were on.

he would rush to the infirmary overloading sage with questions about you

"Sage!! Finally...que pasó?? Neon told me something happened on the mission?!"

Appariently, you had gotten caught in a fight with the enemy Breach and he hit you with his aftershock.

He didn't know much about Breach, but he knew that man had quite a bit of strength in his abilities (being like...bionic you know?"

After some skillful and strategic convincing (pathetic and annoying begging) Sage agreed to take him to see you.

When he caught sight of you lying in the bed staring up at the ceiling, he let out a big sigh he didn't even know he was holding.

"Mi sol! Oh mierda I was so worried! What happened?"

He would be sitting patiently listening to you explain what happened. All while staring at you softly.

"Shooottt...sounds like you had a busy mission! I am just happy you made it back cariño."

☠︎︎~ Viper ~ ☠︎︎

if you were minorly injured, it was probably from tinkering with her poison vials and one leaked onto your fingers

after hearing your grunt in pain, she turns around and her eyes widen, rushing towards you.

"Idiot, I said not to touch anything!"

she swears under her breath before wiping it away and rubbing some sort of cream onto your hand

"Honestly..who would touch something containing poison WITHOUT protection?"

her biggest fear? her poison causing you harm.

so what if a mission were to go wrong and you happened to step into a bubble of her poison?

it was a genuine wrong place wrong time situation. she had a poison bubble deployed and sitting on the ground, as she activated it she looked up to see your frame walking overtop of it.

she shouts to get you to move, but you don't hear her in time. next thing she knows, you are on the ground out cold with green and purple lines all over your face.

she quickly would call for backup, holding you tight but trying to avoid the chemical burns.

when she is back to safety, she rushes to sage's infirmary with your barely warm body in her arms

unfortunately, the poison had seeped into some open wounds you had. causing it to spread throught your body. viper leaves sage alone to do her job, pacing back and forth outside.

she knew how strong her poison could be, but she also knew how strong your body was. you would survive. you had too.

after a few hours, a tired sage walks out and nods, signaling it went well.

viper rushed into the room and immediately looked at your sleeping face, wincing at the fading bloodshot lines on your face.

"i'm so sorry love..please wake up soon"

she would wait by your side holding your hand and occasionally planting soft kisses to the back of your hand.

she knew you would be ok, but she couldn't help but feel bad that her miscommunication and carelessness caused this to happen to you.

when you wake up, she would be whispering soft apologies into your ear

"i promise...you will never feel this pain again my dear."

a/n : holy shit guys!!!! this took a while!! i spent a good 4 hours writing all this JDJSBSJSKSKSN its probably cringe im sorry

but yeah! i tried my best to write this with a gender neutral reader in mind but in some of these its definitely a bit more fem reader leaning! also i do not speak any of the languages spoken in this so if i made a mistake or used something wrong PLEASE let me know so I can fix it!!!

[sumrot]

*TW ED* in response to both ur intamacy post and ur weight loss posts as someone a bit older:

intimacy: a) we are living in an age of extreme loneliness and disconnection. loneliness is one of the most dangerous things for humans, we have evolved to be reliant on each other, as we are pack animals. you are not alone in feeling intimacy starved, as u can see by ur responses. its truly a mental health epidemic… b) in a way i envy u. from such a young age i was hypersexual (some thanks to the slut movement of 2014 tumblr). it never made me feel good about myself or wanted or valuable. it made choose bad relationships for pseudo intimacy. i put myself in harms way constantly to try to feel wanted. thats not to erase the pain u feel now but to offer the perspective that as u get older and engage with older people, who hopefully know what they want and how to be kinder, u can find true meaningful intimacy and hopefully avoid another type of heartache of having ur intimacy violated and taken for granted. being in ur early 20s and navigating relationships fuckn sucks but it gets better with age.

weight loss: i am about ur height and weight. i used to be really underweight, 108lbs, and didnt eat. ur right, i still never felt small enough then. if i kept on that track the health consequences down the line could have been awful. its not worth it. i had no energy and still hated my body. the nutritionist is maybe right, for many bodies we need to eat more foods that make us feel good, with good protein and nutrients, and move more too lose weight. not eating just shuts down bodily functions. i gained some weight and got to 140 just by eating more and then started exercising and quickly got down to 130, but i look more toned and i feel better about myself. most of that weight is in muscle and a fat ass. i dont get sick all the time. the exercise is really light too, just taking walks or doing some yoga that engaged all my muscles a few times a week for half an hour. it helped with self esteem a lot too, bc i put in the work and im so proud of myself. no im not as thin as i once was but im happier overall and in my mind thats worth it. TLDR: eat a little bit more, and move much more, u will get results. it can be a good way to meet people too ;)

I love to vent on here but receiving messages like this also make me extremely grateful to have the followers that I do on here, and also that y’all are willing to take the time to offer support and advice—that is to say, this was insanely helpful. Thank you 🫶 will seriously be coming back to this. I will be trying to pursue more intimacy, but agree that it can be easy to chalk up my self worth to that. I’ll try not to..

[thecruxarm-personal-blog]

Hey guys, im still working on stuff!!!!

Im working on the next organism for my spec bio project!! The general concept for this organism is that they pollinate the seeds/spores of both the dome tree wnd the grape fungus, also making it a symbiote to the two. Though it is derived from plant ancestors, this fella adapted to use respiration instead of photsynthesis through random genetic mutations, therefore giving the dome tree a very good source of carbon!

I imagine theyd individually carry one large seed of the dome tree somewhere near its central body and a bunch of smaller grape fungus spores in the bristles located on its "legs". Uniquely, this species is able to move, and that, combined with the fact it uses respiration, makes it one of the earliest ancestors to plantimals on Fytikó! (To learn more about what plantimals are or what Fytikó is, check my pinned post :) )

Im not entirely sure yet on what the body plan for this creature should even be or how it should look; i know it would have some form of "legs" perhaps derived from plant roots, though im unsure if theyd walk upright (which wiuldnt be hard given the slightly lower gravity) or if they would just crawl along the ground starting off, similar to starfish. Below are a bunch of concepts for features and body layouts that they could have

Since dome trees need a lot of space to maximise the efficiency of photsynthesis, their offspring need to be planted far away, so this pollinator would have to carry these seeds far away. This may take lots of energy, but they also get lots of energy from leeching off of the grape fungi which in turn leech off of the nutrients of the dome tree. This pollinator both pollinates the offspring of the dome tree and the grape fungi, while also making sure that too many grape fungi dont grow on the dome tree, which would be bad since an overabundance of grape fungi could easily drain the tree of its nutrients. These pollinating lifeforms would be derived from parasitic plants, and would use a proboscis-like organ to inject into the sacks of grape fungi and to absorb their nutrients

Because theyd need to travel far to pollinate for the dome trees, and need to make their way back to their original host dome tree, they would both need at least some simple set of sensory organs which help them observe simple landscapes and remember the paths they travel - these organs would be analagous to brains and eyes, though far too simple to properly classify as such (they would later on develop to becime more complex, though)

Im not really sure how these organisms would reproduce themselves, like whether they should be hermaphroditic (given that they would spend much of their lives pollinating on their own), and im not sure if they should make one trip or two trips each time they pollinate, since dome trees might need to mature after being planted before they can afford to be surrounded by grape fungi. If these organisms would require to go back and forth from their original dome tree to the dome tree they had just planted, they may need a developed system analagous to a neural network so they can remember the exact path to reach both dome trees and go back and forth between one another, regardless of how much time has passed

----------------------------------

Sorry, i know these arent very good looking sketches, and im still very in the dark on how this organism should look or behave - i only have very vague and general ideas which are hard to put together. I am stubborn though, and will find one way or another to make the biology of this guy work. I hope nobodies been waiting to see any more from me, ill post the complete version of this pollinating organism once i have it done!! If anybody wants to help me design it too, feel free to comment or message me :) i just wanted to post these so people can get a more general idea of what i have in mind, and especially since it might take longer to design than the last two organisms i posted

[angelcake-99]

How to reduce bingeing and solve the binge cycle .

Personally I have been mainly restrictive for the past 8 months BUt prior to that i had a binge fast cycle for 10 months that i could not get out of .

Now many people will tell you DON’T restrict BUT there is a better way that tackles the cognitive aspect of binging. Remember that poeple with BED don’t restrict that much usually. So eating normal amounts will not solve your binge problem completely. So heres some things to take on board :

Pace yourself pre and during binges - If you ate a biscuit and have just thought fuck it i will eat all of them to get them out. Take the food eat it while walking around the kitchen go back to the food packet or fridge and question do i really want this and repeat . You may eat 3or 5 or 10 but question “do i want to eat all of this can i have more tomorrow”. pacing yourself , trying to breath, questioning out loud or in your mind will help remind you of how much you really need to eat.

The all or nothing mentality KILLS . If you’ve bought binge food and think i need to eat this now i have bought it already . take some out eat it as slowly as you can try. Hide the food in a different room repeat i can eat that whenever i want. I can eat halve now. Have you cooked something? i can put some in a container i am not wasting food.

Keep mentally checking in with your stomach how full am i ? Every time you eat during a ‘binge’ think am i hungry for this ? Is my stomach full ? do i feel sick eating this ? keep questioning this the whole time and answer yourself. You will come to realize how full you are . The binge hunger happens initially but falls away , during a binge you do not realize that you are no longer hungry.You just continue in a robotic movement. Think to yourself i am no longer hungry therefore i don’t need to eat . I’ve eaten X amount and don’t need anymore. The other binge food i have bought will not be eaten today it will be eaten another day. Somebody else might eat it or i might eat it. 

Remember if you count your binge calories during this can be good it makes you realize the gravity of the food . Think of it as , even though i’ve binged i still have only eaten this amount of calories and i can make this a better day by some light exercise and at least i have enough energy for the day and get some productive things done. 

Find high volume foods and don’t be afraid to pile it on when in that binge mindset.

EAT your CRAVINGS when cravings have been persistent just satisfy them if you have wanted a sandwich or two just eat it . Because when binge you might eat everything to avoid the sandwich and end up eating the sandwiches.

If you have a cheat day or binge day that is ok its not going to ruin your life. Remember there is always a time when you can stop whether it is a binge day , week or year . There is always moments throughout when you can turn your back on your binge.

DO NOT PLAN  YOUR BINGES . In doing that you are planning to fail and giving your mind and body complete free choice to binge. However If you wake up in the morning and feel the need to binge or cheat. Then do if you need to eat a lot in a day after restricting lots then do . start with the cravings get rid of them. BALANCE this with nutritious food take thus day as an opportunity to refill with nutrients after however long of restriction.

Photos or bodychecks may trigger you to binge thinking oh it’s not worth it I will

always be fat or gross or ugly anyway. Try to remind yourself in these moments my body is not going to change for better instantly. If i binge today im getting further away from what i want and then tomorrow i will be feeling the same way about my body as i did today.

Binging emotionally: If i binge emotionally i need to think about the consequences of a binge . If i am said about x,y,z then filling myself full of food is not gonna change how i feel .

Follow Me for part 2 i have so many more strategies !!!! 

[neko-naruto]

family reunions...?

(https://sansxfuckyou.tumblr.com/post/669410851745316864/old-habits the first part of this story)

a few months had passed since picos old 'habit' had fully resurfaced over one slip up, his diet had fucked itself over almost completely in that window of time, he could still keep nutritional food down long enough to actually absorb the nutrients, but more often than not he was hacking it up dry within the next three to four hours or so. boyfriend had ended up resorting to expieriment with what types of food pico could keep down due to lack of fresh meat, it shocked him how little people died in hospitals, and pico being a hitman didnt always mean he could get some of the flesh before having to make a break for it.

....................................................................................................................

"babe, how come where out of carrots?" boyfriend asked as he walked out to the living room with an empty bag of carrots, finding pico sitting on the couch with a half eaten one in his mouth another in his hand, the rest of them on a plate. "im guessing you dont remember what happened last time you ate an entire carrot on its own." boyfriend said as he dumped the last of the carrots back in the bag and put them back in the fridge.

"you said yourself that its important to try and balance my diet." pico said in his defense.

"how long have you been sitting out here trying to down a carrot or two?" boyfriend asked as he returned.

"nearly three hours." pico answered with boyfriend shaking his head a little bit.

"go sit in front of the toilet till you hack it back up again, dont forget some water, it makes it a lot easier on your throat." boyfriend said as he watched pico stand up and make his way to the kitchen leaving with a glass of water, boyfriend only having to wait a total of five minutes before the sound of hurling could be heard in the distance. "i told you not to eat carrots not even a month ago!" boyfriend shouted down the hall.

"shut up!" pico shouted back having to forcibly lift his head up out of the bowl before instantly dropping back down, red liquid and chunks of orange coming up.

"look, just hurry up and finish yakking okay? we got someone to talk to today!" boyfriend shouted down the hall as pico shakily exited the room wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket, leaning up on boyfriend for support.

"who are we meeting up with?" pico asked as he and boyfriend made their way out to the car, pico sitting in the back being handed a package of elk sausages which he slowly ate.

"my sister girlfriend, she works at a hospital." boyfriend explained as he started up the car, which was shockingly enough a suburban, hes had it since he first got his license, its an imposing car which is what he loved about it.

"so shes got some fresh meat for me?" pico asked through a mouthful of elk.

"she said she would be out back with a few body bags." boyfriend explained as he fully parked the car with a spin to get the perfect parallel form.

"nice." pico said as he got out of the car, instinctively sniffing the air in search of even the faintest hint of iron, his sense of smell being bombarded by fresh blood and medicine, forcing him to cover his nose to try and prevent a crazed feeding frenzy from triggering.

"can you pinpoint the scent?" boyfriend asked as he and pico walked across the grounds of the hospital.

"no, its covered with the scent of medicine and fresh blood." pico answered with as they made their way out back.

"its fine, we can probably find her anyways." boyfriend said as he took picos hand, who gently rubbed the fang marks.

"lets hope." pico said quietly hanging his head low.

"it smells like partially rotting flesh if that helps pinpoint it." boyfriend said as they took another turn.

"alright, i'll see if it helps." pico said as he lifted his head and tilted it upward to try and reach more of a range of scent as he searched around for the scent, finding it in mere seconds and leading them over to the scents origin being greeted with a nurse with three body bags at her side, long chestnut hair bouncing around her shoulders, and some sizeable assets on her slim figure.

"hey, sis!" boyfriend shouted out catching the nurses attention who looked over at the duo, recognizing her brother by the voice alone.

"hey, little bro! nice to see you again!" girlfriend said with a grin as she waved the two over, pico having to cover his nose with his sweater to make sure he didnt trigger a feeding frenzy.

"same here." boyfriend said with a grin as he pulled her into a hug.

"what do you need the bodies for anyways?" she asked gesturing to the bags, boyfriend having to put out an arm to prevent pico from going ham on the three corpses.

"promise you wont tell or judge?" boyfriend asked as he put out a hand to girlfriend who took it.

"course i wont." she said shaking boyfriends hand heartily.

"its for him, you ok if he has some right now?" boyfriend said gesturing to pico who snapped back into shape to try and give a good first impression.

"a cannibal? what would i expect from you, your last partner was an an axe murder." girlfriend said shrugging her shoulders slightly as she bent down to zip open the bag, pulling out her swiss army knife from her bra.

"can he have a forearm as a snack? he hasnt had any human in a week or so." boyfriend said girlfriend nodding in response as she tried to cut off the arm at the elbow, pico walking over and simply tearing the arm in half with ease, the slightly decaying flesh making it much easier.

"thanks." pico said before digging his fangs into the flesh, relishing in the taste of iron for mere seconds before going ham on it.

"you said he was strong, but i didnt know you meant he was that strong." girlfriend said catching picos attention from the mostly eaten forearm.

"considering i eat mainly meat, i have figured out how to tear apart flesh in the most efficient way possible explains why it was so easy for me to tear it in half, also helps the body was decaying." pico explained before returning to gnawing at the partially exposed bones of the forearm.

"that is both interesting and horrifying..." girlfriend said in slight fear at the thought of being the cannibals next meal, hearing boyfriend chuckle slightly.

"its fine, pico has good self control, hes only lost himself in the moment once." boyfriend said as he rolled up his sleeve revealing some bloodied gauze tape on his forearm, which he ended up unrolling to reveal the small gouge in his arm, only halfway down to the bone.

"sorry, i didnt mean to, i just, i kind of... sorry..." pico said as he wiped the drying blood from around his mouth before wrapping an arm around boyfriend avoiding the gouge, knowing it was highly sensitive from experience.

"like i said in bed that night, its fine babe, you screwed up, but at least you didnt screw up enough to kill me." boyfriend said as he wrapped an arm around pico to comfort him.

"it happened during sexy times?" girlfriend asked the hitman somewhat suspiciously.

"maybe it happened while we where getting it on..." pico admitted shamefully face turning a light hue of red when girlfriend laughed lightly at the fact.

"i guess its fine by me." girlfriend said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"thats good to know..." pico said with a sigh of relief.

"but if i hear word of it happening again you wont be aloud anywhere near him." girlfriend warned a twisted smirk on her face sending shivers down picos spine.

"come on sis, its not as bad as the head of the mafia who shot me once or twice." boyfriend said trying to defend pico who knew damn well he was screwed if he ever lost himself to instinct again.

"good point bro, just let me know if it happens again so i can try to salvage some sort of replacement." girlfriend said with a sigh, as she eased up a little bit.

"i promise it wont happen again, girlfriend, i swear on it." pico said as he snapped the bone of the forearm and stuffed it in his pocket.

"cross your heart and hope to die?" girlfriend asked.

"uh huh." pico answered with doing the gesture.

"shove a needle in your eye?" girlfriend countered with.

"course i would." pico replied with, imitating the action.

"stab a dagger in your thigh?' girlfriend asked pulling out her pocket knife and putting it out for pico, expecting him to do it.

"i will if i have to..." pico said as he reached for the swiss army knife gingerly, boyfriend stopping him from reaching it.

"babe, its fine you dont have to." boyfriend said, trying to defend pico.

"thats where your wrong, the rest of your exes all did this, you just werent their to see it." girlfriend said with a murderous smirk.

"really?" boyfriend asked confused at the aspect.

"cant let no one hurt my baby brother." girlfriend said with a smirk on her face.

"well, i can already trust him, and so can you." boyfriend said in picos defense who had began to gnaw at the bone he put in his pocket.

"if it wasnt for me being an overprotective bitch you would be dead where you stand, suicide or murder, im not sure." girlfriend explained in her defense.

"he isnt like your boss, or any of the mobsters..." boyfriend said almost quietly.

"their was more than one you where getting railed by?" girlfriend asked raising a brow in an almost insulting manner.

"it was kind of an orgy." boyfriend explained shamefully.

"we can talk about this later little bro, but for now, pico needs to prove i can trust him with you." girlfriend said returning her attention to pico as she handed him the knife.

"how deep do i have to go with it?" pico asked as he lined up the dagger to his upper thigh.

"far as the blade reaches." girlfriend instructed, before looking to the hospital behind her. "and try not to scream to loudly." girlfriend added on with a smirk.

"alright... for him..." pico said almost unsure of himself before gripping the handle of the knife firmly before he drove the blade deep into his right upper thigh having to refrain from screaming as the blood trickled down at first before it spilled out with ease, streaming down the side his leg and pooling at his feet.

"and the other leg." girlfriend said with a sadistic smile that could lure any man into a trap.

"that wasnt part of the deal-!" boyfriend tried to say but was cut off by pico who had a weak smile on his face.

"no, no... its fine." pico said weakly as he switched the hand and lined up the blade before digging the dagger as far as he could, the blood spilling out equally as fast as the other leg, throwing his balance off exponentially, he hobbled around pathetically, the blood trailing down his legs and pooling at the ground below him.

"you good, babe?" boyfriend asked as he put an arm out for pico to lean on which he did.

"just a bit light headed is all..." pico said as he rubbed his thighs a bit in hopes it would relieve pain a little bit, pulling the blade from his leg realizing he forgot to pull it out.

"you got some gauze tape he could use?" boyfriend asked as he lowered himself a bit so pico could lean back a bit.

"always keep some on my person." girlfriend said as she pulled a roll from one of her pockets and handed it to boyfriend who wrapped it around one of picos thighs with little to none struggle, having a slightly harder time with the other thigh.

"thanks..." pico said with a light sigh in the undertone of his voice.

"your welcome, you should get going before my boss finds out." girlfriend said as she handed boyfriend two of the body bags and pico one of them.

"we'll be on our way then." boyfriend said as he and pico took their leave.

"see you next month!" girlfriend shouted over the parking lot.

"love ya sis!" boyfriend shouted back as the two got into the car.

"your sisters a nice person." pico said as he got into the back seat and lounged a little bit.

"you can sit on the floor if you want to." boyfriend offered as he started up the car pico moving onto the floor.

"can i sleep when we get home?" pico asked as he propped himself up on the body bags piled up in the back.

"course you can." boyfriend answered with as he pulled into the backyard with a swerve. "i still need some help hauling and dissecting these bodies for storage though." said as he hopped out the car and grabbed two of them, pico taking the last one.

"just cut off the arms and legs, split at the knees and elbows, trash the head and try to avoid the organs while keeping the good meat, the livar can stay though." pico instructed as he dropped down the bag on the kitchen floor near the fridge and pulled out the butchers cleaver for boyfriend before retreating to the couch.

"thanks for the instructions!" boyfriend shouted across the house.

"good night!" pico shouted back as he covered his head with a pillow.

....................................................................................................................

maybe a reblog for my motivations life?

[ivyuns]

moral of the story ❆

han jisung

genre: angst

word count: 2.8k

warnings: hella sad breakups + cheating + language

A/N: listen to moral of the story by ashe + i need to stop falling asleep while writing, istg this was better in my brian

part one | part two

masterlist

so i never really knew you, god i really tried to.

you started dating your best friend since you were a kid and never regretted one bit of the memories you two shared. you knew dating an idol would be tough but jisung never made it hard for you. sure some stays didn’t accept you, but stray kids was there to help you get through it. after two years of the relationship, it was still healthy or that’s what you wish it was.

stray kids was currently in japan for their tour for two months and god, you missed your boyfriend. the past now four months was hell for you. jisung started to stay in the studio all day and night, then coming home for two hours then went back to the studio. you would stay up for him to come home then him just ignoring you, feeling neglected. all you wanted from him was at least one ‘i love you’. you don’t even remember when was the last time he said it to you.

thought we could really this but, really i was foolish.

you could remember the day he was head over heels for you before he asked you out. exactly two years ago, hyunjin who was jisung’s best friend had told you that jisung had a crush on you. you never understood since you always saw jisung flirting with other girls which broke your heart. you wish you were the only girl for him.

you ignored hyunjin and continued walking to your next class til someone pulled you back and kissed your lips. you widen your eyes as you see it’s your best friend kissing you; han jisung. your mind can’t process anything after you just had your first kiss by a man you loved ever since you were a kid. a for this day, you won’t forget about that very special moment of yours.

4 months go by and you and jisung had your first fight. it was stupid. so stupid. you visited jisung after changbin texted you to come feed your baby since he was producing songs at such a late time. you made his favorite meal and drove to the jyp building where jisung was.

you showed your id to the scanner to open the security door for the building and was greeted by jyp himself. “hello y/n! here looking for you boyfriend?” he laughed. you smiled and did a 90 degree bow. “hi jinyoung!” and laughed. “ah y/n, you don’t need to be so polite. your mother taught you so well! anyways, jisung is the studio room where he always is.” he patted your back and left after you said a thank you.

you go to the room where he is and there you see, a stress jisung with his hair messy and eye bags under his eyes. you go up to him and placed the bag of food in front of him. jisung automatically looks up and sees your beautiful face, his one and only. he smiles with tired eyes and hugs you.

“baby when did you get here?” he muttered and peppers you with his kisses. “like 5 minutes ago, your boss kept me for a minute.” jisung quickly lets his arm loosen around you and panicked. “did he ask to break up with me!?” he lightly shouted. “no baby, he was telling me where you were” you smiled. jisung exhaled our loud, thankful for jyp for accepting you.

you two cuddled on the chair til jisung let’s you have a sneak peak of their new song. you strected your limbs and felt your hand touch a random button. the music was peaceful til all you heard was statics. your head faced jisung’s as he let go of your body, making you stand up while he went to check on the song that was saved on his laptop.

jisung’s hands started to pull his hair off of his scalp as he tried to not yell at you but failed. “are you serious y/n?! that took weeks to finish and you just corrupted the file!” jisung shouted. your lips quivered in fear, not knowing how to reply. “jisung, babe, you can make a new one. its oka-” .. “no its not okay!”. words after words, jisung had a few ugly words spit out of his lips that made you feel more useless. “all you do is come here and annoy me and the boys when we need to work our asses off. just because we act nice to you doesnt mean the boys always have a soft spot for you in their heart. just go and never come back. why did i even like you in the first plac-” jisung was cut off by a door slamming shut.

oh how much did he regret saying those words to you. he knew you were insecure, especially when you feel like youre bothering others. he sat down in his chair and wiped the tears off of his face after seeing the face look you had before you left, full of fear.

you on the other hand was walking to the exit of the building with you head down. ‘hes not going to run after me anyways’.

you walked inside your apartment, full of sadness as you can’t get the words jisung had said about you out of your head. you lay on your cold and empty, but soft bed. looking beside you is where jisung is supposed to be at. turning to your bedside table, you see a picture of you and jisung on your first date as an official couple. you had a cotton candy cone in your hand as you tried to feed a piece to jisung til he kissed your lips. how grateful you were for hyunjin to take a picture of that very special of yours.

tears started falling as you drifted to sleep, not noticing the missed calls and messages from stray kids, especially jisung.

the fight had lasted for almost two week and you felt like shit. you haven’t ate a full meal and haven’t left your bed unless it was for your hygiene reasons.

you stood up a bit too fast and stared feeling weak. you shrugged it off and continued walking to your bathroom which was connected to your room. as you turn on the bathroom lights, your eyes were blinded and started to see black and fell.

jisung on the other hand felt so different. his mind wouldn’t focus on the music, instead it was you. he went to your apartment the past 5 days to talk to you only to see the pin number to enter your apartment to change. first he tried your anniversary day with him, then his birthday, then your birthday, then day when you and jisung got your very first couple pet but nothing worked. today, he went by as he left notes under the doormat everytime he came by, only to see the notes untouched when he went to place another one.

he felt something bad had happened to you so he quickly ran to the dorm to search where you placed the ‘emergency key’ for your place in case something happened. jisung bursted through the entry way of the dorm as he scared the other ‘00 liners. “woah hyung, what are you doing?” seungmin asked.

“i’m trying to find the key for y/n apartment” jisung panted while looking everywhere, “you know the one for emergencies?” hyunjin stood up with his keychain in his hand. “oh you mean this one?” and showed the key with a little picture of you and jisung on it.

jisung immediately grabs the keychain and runs back to your place with a yelling hyunjin behind him, telling him to be careful.

he arrives at your place and places the key into the lock. he rushes to every room to see if his sunshine is in one of the room. he went upstairs and to the room. he saw the bed looking all cold, even feeling cold with your phone thrown at the wall in the corner and picture frames of you and jisung faced down. he went to the closet and felt relived as you didn’t try to run away. lastly, he went to the bathroom and rushed to your cold figure.

he sees your pale figure and realizes you’re not breathing. tears sprung out of jisungs eyes as he rushed you to the hospital.

“i’m so sorry baby”.

you woke up with the sun beaming to the room, a unfamiliar room. you turn your head to see jisung with his hands linked to yours and tears staining his face as he peacefully sleep. your hands twitch and jisung lifts his head quickly. he looks at your with worry eyes and hugs you, “im sorry my love. if i didnt yell at you that night, you wouldnt be in this state. im so sorry y/n.” jisung sobs into your shoulder.

“jisung, baby, its fine. as long as you realize your mistake and come back, its fine. thank you but what happened? why am i here?” your smiled coming down as it dropped as you remembered what happened.

“the doctors said you were lacking nutrients for your body and lost a lot of weight. those could making you feel lightheaded and a risk of passing out. god y/n, if i didn’t go back to the place, you would still be laying on the bathroom floor with no help.” jisung starts to sob even more as you bring his head to your chest, hugging him and telling him ‘it’s okay’.

i said ‘some people fall in love’ with the wrong people sometimes.

you came home after a long day of work. you unlocked your door to see jisung’s shoes on the side and smiled. you walked upstairs and you swore you heard a female voice .. on a call?

the bedroom door was cracked open so you quietly eavesdropped. “i gotta go babes, y/n is home” jisung whispered to the phone. babes? “ok sungie i’ll see you later!” a high pitch voice came out of the phone.

jisung got up from the bed and went to open the door, looking for you as you pretended you just came up from the stairs. “hi baby, how was work?” jisung asks innocently. “it was a lot. can we cuddle?” you went up to him and hugged him. jisung nodded and led you to the bed to cuddle, eventually falling asleep.

it was currently 2 am and you woke up with jisung still sleeping next to you. you almost fell back asleep til you heard a notification from jisungs phone. as his screen lit up, you saw the name of the sender and it broke you.

jiseo 💗

i thought you’re coming over baby ?

please don’t tell me you’re with that bitch still.

i thought you were gonna break up with her today babe?

so this is why hes been so distant. you put the phone away and fall into your slumber, wishing it was just a nightmare.

some mistakes get made. that’s alright that’s okay.

you waved a goodbye to jisung and the boys as they headed to their plane for their japan tour. the night before, you talked to their manager and asking if you could follow along. the manager agreed so now you wait for the next day to go to japan.

you packed all your belongings and headed to the airport. you passed security and handed you ticket to board the plane. as the plane took off, a notification lit up your phone.

jisung baby 🐿💕

hi baby we just finished rehearsing

i miss you already

y/n 💓

i miss you too, stay safe baby <3

after sending jisung a quick message, you exited the app and saw your wallpaper of you and jisung on your first year anniversary date. where the relationship was still full of love. a tear fell onto your screen, missing the feeling of being loved by your significant other. after a little session of your crying, you decided to take a nap of the remainder of the trip.

you think that you’re in love when you’re really in pain.

you arrived at the airport close to where stray kids was touring at. you had called their manager to pick you up, also letting him know you had landed safely to see your jisung.

you waiting about 10 minutes til you saw a car window roll down in front of you, yelling your name. you looked up and saw the driver, noticing it’s their manager. you got up and brought your luggage to the car with the help of him.

during the car trip back to their hotel, you told the manager about you and jisung. you tell him how he’s been really distant and you don’t feel loved again. all he tells you is that everything will be okay and he’s probably just stress from all the comeback and producing.

you two arrived at the hotel and walked in. the manager gives you an extra key card to jisung’s shared room with jeongin. “what if jeongin is in the room with him?” you asked him, feeling worried. “ah don’t worry y/n. i told jeongin that you’re coming to surprise jisung so he’s in the room with seungmin and changbin.” he reassured you. you thanked him and went to the door number of where your boyfriend was staying.

you put the card in the key holder and opens it. you walk inside and lift up your head to see a naked jisung and a naked girl under him. seeing the sweat glistening on his perfect golden skin and hearing moans and grunts made you sick. this must be the jiseo he’s been talking to.

“han jisung!” you yelled out to get the two people’s attention. jisung quickly turns his head to the door to see you with tears falling down your cheeks.

“baby i-” you cut off jisung.

“no! now i know you’re so distant to me. because you cheated on me. i came here to surprise you, not to see you put your dick in someone.” you paused for a second after harshly wiping the tears falling. “i don’t understand what i did wrong jisung. w-was this 2 years just a joke to you? our best friend days?” you sobbed. at this point, the girl who was under jisung had escape from his embrace and ran away after putting on her clothes.

“y/n i can explain!” you roll your eyes in annoyance, not wanting to hear his side after you found out everything. “explain what!? that you’ve been cheating on me? i loved you even when you still went behind my back and cheat on me.” your fingers touched the promise ring on your left ring from jisung which was from your first anniversary.

“jisung, from today and so on, we’re broken up. please don’t try to contact me.” you took off your ring and threw it to him. you grabbed the handle of your luggage and left his room. after hearing the door shut, loud sobs left you as changbin who heard everything went to comfort you.

jisung, who heard your sobs aftwr the door shuts made him feel weak. he doesn’t even know why he ended up cheating on you. you were the best girlfriend anyone could ask for and he just ruined everything.

he went to pick up the ring and saw the inside of the ring. ‘sunshine <3’ he read. jisung slid down the wall with the ring still in his hand and started bawling. ‘i’m sorry y/n’.

after the comfort from changbin, you broke the hug. “changbin, please tell jisung i said thank you for everything and his stuff will be on his bed.” thanking changbin and gathered you stuff and flew back to korea after spending your savings in under a day for a jerk.

you got back to your place and quickly went to pack jisungs gifts he gave you, his hoodies, and the memories placed in the photo frames. from best friends to lovers, and now exes. looking at the pictures made you cry more. after what he did, you still love him.

finally getting everything together, you went to go to the boys dorm to return jisungs stuff. you entered his bedroom and placed the box on his bed, waiting for his arrival. you went to look for a paper and pen and wrote:

‘ily’

after putting the materials back where they were, you saw a picture frame of you and jisung on his nightstand. you grabbed the frame and opened his nightstand drawer to storage it, only seeing something that caught your eyes; a small black velvet box. you open it to see a diamond ring. a ring you always dreamed of. 

quickly putting the items back in his drawer, you looked at the whole dorm, reminiscing the memories made here. you left the key that jisung had gave you on the table and opened the front door. making sure to lock it before you leave. wiping the tear the threaten the fall after remembering the ring he was going to propose to you with, you shut the door and went back to your apartment.

in the end its better for me. thats the moral of the story babe.

-

END <3

lmao i might just do a part two-

[bittercoldbrew]

PLEASE tell me about the alien plant girls im so gay for anthropomorphic fem plants

omg thank you SO MUCH for asking and i apologize in advance for the infodump because i have been thinking about these alien plant people for literal years now, i love them so much. I first started thinking about these guys a little after TFA, because of an oc i was working on for a lil star wars fic that i have mostly abandoned by now--so sorry to the like 3 people who were reading my sidon ithano fic but tlj/tros really killed whatever passion i had for the franchise for a good long time :/ but Mando is great so i've been thinking about them'st again...

anyway i am sticking this under a cut because a) im very attached to these characters and if someone steals my shit i will kermit and b) sweet jesus this got so long, i am so sorry

in the SW universe at least, these plant people (that i still for the life of me cannot settle on an actual name for) were the primary inhabitants of a dwarf planet way out in wild space; they had a pretty symbiotic relationship with a race of sentient insectoid people (basically human-sized bees) who could travel between the planet and their home on one of its three moons (affectionately called the Honey Moon). what the plants didn’t know was that the bees were also able to travel to different planets, and had been doing so for a couple centuries before everything went to shit--but we’ll get to that in a bit.

the plant people weren’t particularly interested in the galaxy around them--they had a decent understanding of astronomy and cosmology, but little cultural interest in journeying to the stars. since the planet was pretty small and distant from the galactic core, it was pretty rare that a visiting ship would even pass them by, and scanners didn’t register them as genuine life-forms separate from the natural flora, so even if someone happened to end up out there it’s not the sort of place anyone would really choose to land. on rare occasions, a pirate or smuggler would try to hide out on what they thought to be an unoccupied planet, and would return to the Outer Rim with tales of mobile, sentient trees and bizarre, organic cities found on some uncharted world; likewise, occasionally a plant person would turn up at the local bar with tales of crashed space-ships and strange aliens that seemed almost like people. neither would ever be taken seriously.

the plants aren’t a particularly verbal people. they understand spoken language (a somewhat-modified Basic, at least, which is what the bees speak hmm i wonder where they picked that up from) and many can talk, but most don’t really bother learning to do so. mostly they rely on an ESP-like combo of pheromones and body language, highly attuned to the point that it’s essentially a kind of telepathy. i think i mentioned in the tags on that post that my character Antheia is sorta kinda a jedi? for these people, force sensitivity tends to manifest as an extra-extra-sensory-perception that causes you to be hyperaware of every living thing in your environment, not just the other sentient ones.

this made her uhhh extremely off-putting as a youth, easily distractable and often disinterested in the other people in the small community she grew up in, where she was already pretty disliked to begin with. there’s quite a lot of diversity among the plant people (a wide variety of skin tones/textures and body types, though few if any secondary sex characteristics; four limbs are most common, though occasionally some have two or more sets of arms; different types of leaves/vines/blossoms/etc in lieu of hair), and though they have a barter-based economy there’s still a lot of classism that’s mostly based around lineage (and thus evinced by one’s appearance and the traits one manifests). to protect (or attempt to bolster) those lineages, prospective parents can apply for a spot in a nursery, where their offspring are propagated and tended--mostly just through infancy before going to live with parents, though sometimes longer, and the very high class have private nurseries that will do all the rearing so they don’t have to.

But, on very rare occasions, certain wild plants will spontaneously develop sentience, and even more rarely will survive on their own long enough to find their way to a community. Hundreds of years ago (or “before the bees could speak”, which is their version of “once upon a time”), these spontaneous growths were revered and cherished, and whoever was first to encounter one would see it as a great honor to be responsible for their care and upbringing. now, with a much more striated society, these “weeds” (derogatory) are considered inferior, feral, dangerous. fortunately for Antheia, the man who found her, tangled in marsh reeds under the light of the Honey Moon, didn’t buy into any of that bullshit. he was a really sweet dad, very attentive and doting on his increasingly-strange adopted daughter; they were very close. but the older she got, the more her unusual ability developed, and the more he realized he was well out of his depth to help her understand that part of herself. eventually, she’s sent away to a kind of temple/convent for other people like her, where she’s trained to hone and control her extra senses, rather than be overwhelmed by them.

many years later, the sudden appearance of several large starships in their atmosphere turns their society on its head. it turns out, the bee-people have been traveling to other planets, forging alliances, brokering deals; they claim they just want to facilitate inter-planetary trade. Antheia is among the first to mistrust these invading aliens and their fleet of well-armed droids who seem hell-bent on mining their planet (which is, apparently, rich with cortosis, which--thank you wookiepedia--is apparently capable of repelling lightsabers and blasterfire alike). She flees her convent, joins up with an underground network of resistance fighters, discovers that her hyperawareness makes her a truly formidable force on the battlefield, and helps lead her people in defending the sovereignty of their home. And then things take a turn for the worse...but we don’t need to get into that right now.

ANYWAY.

my other oc, Shoal, is from the same planet but not even remotely star-warsy; either from a different time period well before the droid incursion, or just like an AU of my own stuff, idk. but she’s great, i love her deeply even though i dont really know what i even want to do with her yet. i mostly just was thinking about what a normal, average person in this world would be like, but then i got too attached. she’s also one of the spontaneous “weeds”, a semi-aquatic plant girl that washed up on a sandbar that occasionally connects a small island with the mainland when the tide is out. she was sort of “found” by multiple people at the same time, since they were making their way across to go trade goods at the mainland market, so to avoid the confusion of who should be responsible for her, she’s just sort of raised by the village as a whole. they name her Shoal, since that’s where they found her (it started as a joke, but then no one could agree on anything else to call her so it just sort of...stuck).

she grows up without realizing that it’s a pretty unusual upbringing. as a teen, she gains the reputation for the island’s best fisher (it helps that she can breathe as well underwater as above, and she’s always been a good swimmer). one thing that’s pretty consistent among all the plant people are their teeth--they all have long, sharp incisors and canines because sexy and also as more of a defense mechanism than a dietary one. they don’t eat much, typically absorbing nutrients from the sun/water/air/soil (mud baths are such a beloved experience, like for the most part they are very dignified people but find them some good mud and they will wallow for days) but when they do it’s pretty meat-heavy. they don’t really enjoy the process of eating very much, especially because they don’t have much gut bacteria so they typically have to swallow some stones to break up their food and nobody wants to do all that. but, at least in the coastal towns near where Shoal grew up, fresh-caught fish is considered a delicacy, and they can trade for quite a lot in return.

as she gets older, though, she starts getting restless. she loves her village, but it’s all she’s ever really known. also, it is so hard to even consider dating when literally everyone your age is practically your sibling, i mean, yeesh. so one day she just packs her bags and says her goodbyes and waits for low tide, then sets off to find her own way in the great wide world. she stops wherever she can, sees everything she can, but eventually settles down working at a tavern in a medium-sized town that’s mostly acclaimed for being a crossroads between bigger and better places. she likes it there, likes getting to know lots of new people and hearing about someone else’s travels more than she actually liked traveling herself. after a few years, the tavern-keeper retires and decides to leave the place to her, and she finds she’s become a permanent fixture in this new community. that’s really all i have for her so far, and i have no idea whether i’ll ever actually do anything with this character lol, but still she is very precious to me so i hope i find a story she’d be a good match for sometime soon.

[b4imgonee]

recovery.

please read + reblog this, you never know who it might help.

i’m sure recovery is something that many people struggling with eating disorders know about, something that possibly seems out of reach. I have struggled with an ed for years, and this is my story on recovery. + mindset changes.

i’d like to start by saying that i am not actively in recovery that wasn’t forced upon me by anyone except myself - unlike my ed. 

for years struggling with an ed on and off, after multiple failed attempts of restriction, you start to ask yourself the same question each time, “am i ever going to recover?” every time i binged after fasting or restricting, i told myself, “oh if i keep going like this, imma recover lmaooooo ahahahha!!” no. i made the mistake of thinking that my binges every night somehow counted as recovery, even though i haven’t binged for about a year now. every time i ate a normal meal with family, i told myself again, oh this is recovery because i’m not going to throw it up or i because im actually eating it.  

it was only after i realized that i was borderline abusing laxatives because i couldn’t go to the bathroom properly and even riding a bike for 10 minutes got hard for me, that was when it hit me - this isn’t going to get me absolutely anywhere. 

i would wake up everyday, weigh myself praying that the scale would show a smaller number than yesterday, weighing my food and counting every single calorie. (as a lot of people here do.) i realized that i was literally insane.

YOU CAN’T HATE YOURSELF INTO BEING HEALTHY. YOUR BODY IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. - Linda Sun

these words changed my outlook on my health as a whole, i realized that true health isn’t about the number on the scale, but about what i felt like both emotionally and physically because of what i was putting into my body instead of what i WASN’T. i realized that health isn’t a number. the scale deceives us. you could be a kg up the morning after you restricted so hard and hate yourself even more, and not eat at all -  but that 1kg might’ve been water. WATER. you’d now let 1kg of water magically decided your whole day’s meal plan for you, which would be basically nothing.

exercise is something i started taking into account as well. i started doing workouts that made me properly sweat, and that made me feel so relaxed after i finished, i felt like i was drifting in a cloud. i also rewarded myself after every workout i did, whether it was my favorite meal (still keeping it healthy) or it was one of my favorite snacks. 

i eat 3 meals a day now, do a chloe ting video every other day, and either go on a fast walk or a bike ride. I also do 16:8 (fast for 16 hours, eat for 8).

by healthy eating, i in no way shape or form mean plain low calorie food like 1 egg, or a few cucumbers, or something below my calorie deficit. - i mean real healthy food, food that makes your body happy. know that without a balanced diet, first of all, you’ll become constipated, and start abusing laxatives (which then may lead to laxative dependency - you will not be able to shit without them ever again.), number 2, you’ll become malnourished, headaches, weak knees, hair falling out, brittle nails, etc. the moment you realize that no matter how much you restrict, even if you loose the weight, it will all come back the moment you start eating like a human being again. your body is your best friend, why are you poisoning it? 

eat because it fuels your body, your mind, your mood. not because you’ll die if you don’t. don’t make food your enemy, i personally think junk food is unnecessary, but when the food is healthy, it is your best friend. your body naturally needs healthy fats such as avocado and oils to function, as well as healthy carbs. you can have a bag of chips that will make you full for about 20 minutes and your body will scream for nutrients, or you can have a huge salad that will keep you full for hours and your body will thank you. you could have a black coffee that your practically vomiting up because you hate its bitterness, or even skip breakfast because “it’s not important”, OR you could have a bowl of oatmeal with almonds, apples, prunes and cinnamon that would taste sweet and would genuinely fill you up for the whole day, which would not only kick start your metabolism but also keep you full for hours. or an avocado toast on rye bread. once again, healthy fats and fibers. you literally cannot gain weight from eating clean and healthy and exercising. 

love your body, it is the only one you have. do what makes you happy in the moment. not whats going to make you happy in the unseen future. if you eat healthy and exercise, your body will thank you.

my dms are always open if anyone ever needs to talk! take care of yourself. <3 :)

[mousehole5000]

tgcf lb the fourth chapter 23 - 33

“hmmm looks like theres people in the fertilizer. i shan’t say a word” ok king of minding your business i guess

oh looks like it has a long tongue. oh i dont care for that at all

The build of their bodies were similar, and atop their shoulders, all of them carried cudgels that were densely covered in sharp wolf teeth. It created an illusion that a pack of wolves had transformed into people. attack of the furries? okay.

It was easy to comprehend after thinking about it. This person had been buried in the desert sand for fifty to sixty years. The flesh of his body had long been transformed into nutrients for those Kindred Moon Herbs. He had been entirely consumed until the only thing remaining was a mere skeleton. when this book isnt being very funny its being very grim!!! yikes!! also this was an episode of hannibal 

Ke Mo definitely had never heard someone ask to go first in this place. His eyes widened and looked like bells as he asked in astonishment, “You want to go first? For what reason??” Xie Lian naturally couldn’t reply and say it was because he wasn’t scared. Thus, he chose an answer that conformed with the norms of society. “General, these are merely innocent merchants just passing through. They even have a child amongst them.” - love watching the immortals trying to act like humans. would have been funny if xie lian had just hit em with “well i cant die so its chill”

That young man had crossed his arms. With an indifferent gaze, he thoughtfully sized up the deep Sinners’ Pit.　　 A bad premonition sprung up unbidden in Xie Lian’s heart. “San Lang?”　　 When he heard Xie Lian call him, San Lang turned his head. He smiled faintly and said, “Everything’s fine.” - edgy bastard lets go

What Ke Mo had been cursing was, “It’s this slut again!” - me when a corpse gets up and knocks all my soldiers into the sinner’s pit what a relatable reaction

oh now im switching translations here we go

does hua cheng just straight up transform in the darkness? edgy bastard. also  hualian having their little discussion while ke mo keeps trying to attack im still amused by these kinds of shenanigans

banyue guoshi ma’am your backstory.... rough. im on your side im sure you had your reasons

why do the soldiers keep her up near the top of the pit of death if she keeps getting up and knocking them all in? am i missing something? or are they just that dumb/dead fjdf;adjsf

fu yao: y’all alive? lmk. if not ill guess ill go back to the the merchants who totally promised to stay put in the circle. in case its not clear i do not care what happens to said merchants.

hua xie... of course thats the fucking name he picked. also looks like that wasnt so much a parallel being drawn between xie lian and the general as it was the same exact line

fasdlkfjsldfdsf god xie lian really has a hard time. you help some orphans, you try to keep people from dying, you try to save an orphan and you trip and get trampled but you cant die so you wake up in a river full of corpses and just float away. actually tbh i really appreciate him as an immortal character this is the shit i like to see. love xie lian ready to defend himself from the slander of being completely flattened. he was only mostly flattened

cunty vibes so strong all the wildlife in a 10 foot radius just chuck up the deuces and split

ITS RAINING SCORPION SNAKES. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PUSH A REVEAL. love that the umbrella is just always on hand

okay i guess fucking. everyone is here now why not. we’re all in a hole covered in scorpions and everyone knows each other but not everyone is admitting it but we know. we know. still not 100% sure what is going wrt pei su/pei ming/general pei/pei junior im a bit confused idk

okay i cant explain it but im attached to him now.

i like banyue. i feel like theres going to be a few background female characters i really like but im not so sure theyll get a lot of development. wind master come back you and your lady friend i would like to know more of you. anyway fuck this pei guy(s?). also they just put banyue in a jar? fair enough

is xie lian another mc who cant cook? so much so that everyone who knows him just leaves if he offers? love that for him

okay we’ve got ONE identity admitted. i liked how casual it was. i wonder if hc was waiting for this bc yeah he was not subtle i feel like he definitely wanted xie lian to know. if he didnt then bruh. get lessons in how to act human please

screaming. no words. cant wait to meet him. and hua cheng please keep up the good work. i love that now we’re just. sitting. chatting. chilling. okay.

yeah it makes sense that hes an immortal i think you would have to take this attitude after 800 years

this authors note about not writing ugly characters.... fjkdalfdjfa obviously i dont think holding beauty as such high standard is good it warps our views and values etc etc but also i would expect nothing less from a story like this. yes we know everyone is going to be beautiful theyre immortal and beautiful and young forever

lmao at exile being a temporary banishment for crimes.... yeah that sounds about right tbh. rich elite fuckers

oh good we haven’t forgotten about human face disease boy. im wondering when we’re going to find out how important he will be bc he clearly matters otherwise he’d have been resolved already also yeah how tf does he have that disease that sure sounds like an issue

i dont like him. pei ming i also wish you to die of syphilis. also of fucking COURSE xie lian’s cultivation method doesnt let him read dirty books

im just saving this because its funny

okay lang qianqiu i see you falling asleep at the meeting. i like you already but you are not above suspicion. actually you know what i suspect you already. crown prince of the kingdom that conquered xianle? idk if youre good or bad but you know something i learned this lesson from beloved morally grey huaisang

okay last comment for this post. mxtx’s little authors note about everyone being straight except for hualian but you can make up headcanons as long as you dont split hualian up fjdlfakdj. i just find it silly to write a story thats so clearly for an audience that understands shipping and ships often and say not to split a specific couple up but i mean to be fair i kind of get it that sentiment as an author and not wanting people to do certain things with your work, although again i think its silly

i guess the point of this note is just to be clear that no one else is going to get together so no one argues about it and i dont actually know much about how this was published but it seems like it was serialized so i can see why that would be an issue. personally i dont really care for knowing stuff like that ahead of time but i know a lot of people do and it seems to be thing in other cnovels ive seen to know whos going to get together as far as major characters are concerned i guess thats part of the draw and i guess i kind of get it

not sure how much other romance will be in this but also i think its kind of ridiculous to be like “these are the only two gay characters” in a cast that just keeps growing but whatever shes really leaving that work up to the readers to make it happen which they’ll do anyways so whatever. also there had to be at least one of the 33 officials who fought hua cheng who thought he was hot. theres no way that didnt happen

[cinderellyq420]

1/11/21-Portal Day✨

Its an hour past midnight, so technically its the 12th now, but I just wanted to come write a little reflection of the day.

They say today is about Manifestation. Well, I manifest that I will have nothing, but positive people in my life this year. Too often toxic people have slipped their way into my life some how. When they said keep your inner circle small, well i cut that shit even smaller. I have definitely figured out that if they will screw you over once, they will do it again, no hesitation. This is usually where I say, I hate everybody. Yes, i physically will out loud say, I hate everybody. It just comes out unintentionally, when im thinking of bad situations with people, several times a day usually.

Moving on to the reflection of the day. Well I woke up from horrid nightmares.Which reminds me, DO NOT put lapis lazuli under your pillow anymore dude! In the nightmares, both of our mothers had passed. It broke me to see my boyfriend cry & so heartbroken. What hurt the most for me was that, I could see my mom in my nightnmare, I could touch her & talk to her. I woke up & i couldnt do that. Shes still alive, but its just become so physically painful to be around her, Especially when she continues to hurt me. I made my boyfriend check on his mom & she’s good! 

On to the afternoon. Its day 11 of our cleanse & it only gets more strict from here. We basically fast through out the day. We are allowed unlimited cucumbers & water of course, & 3 flex foods, & 3 power shakes. Which is basically fruits & vegetables & dehydrated nutrients your body needs but probably isnt getting on your typical daily diet. I found out we have actuall y been doing the accelerated diet, which is pretty cool I guess. To know I can do this/get through this. Today I had one & a half cucumbers, strawberries, avocado, & kale chips. This was my first time making kale chips & they tasted just like potato chips to me. I just nee to salt them less next time. I know thats not a lot at all, trust me im pretty hungry. We also take these supplements throughout the day & its going to flush out the parasites from our bodies. We forgot to do our 10 day check up yesterday, so we did it today. I have lost about 7 pounds & hes lost about 12 or more. Our goal isnt to lose weight though, its about health. The weight loss is most definitely a bonus for sure. I think it will help me feel more confident in my body. Ive lost 25 pounds in around 4 months. We went grocery shopping for the week. I can not wait for these 10 days to be over. 1 down, 9 more to go!

As for tonight. I put on meditation music for around 5-6 hours. I started off with a cleansing shower. I used a lavender chamomile tea bag with 3 crystals, rose quartz, clear quartz, & amethyst. Then I lit a spiritual & sage incense & some candles I made myself, turned on my Himalayan salt lamp. I wrote in my journals. I made affirmations cards & hung them on the wall & pulled a tarot cared that says, i have anxiety about money. I mean its not wrong, I have always felt that way. Im ending the night watching Trolls. & babe is going to bed with me! 

Good night 🖤

[healieas]

levels of beholding feeding; aka, will this successfully feed me or the eye?; aka, there are actions that beholding avatars are likely to take that may not constitute life-sustaining feeding; aka, the illuminati food pyramid.

the post where i break down what i personally consider feeding the eye to entail, including things that fall under the eye’s “jurisdiction” ( remember that fears are malleable and bleed into each other, and the eye especially tends to overlap with everything else bc it is a gratuitous voyeuristic sack of fuck, but for the purposes of this post i am going to try to focus on what in and of itself is eye fear and if it overlaps well that’s just fun and sexy isn’t it ) but do not feed it, things that engender beholding behavior but are not in and of itself feeding, things that eye avatars need to do to maintain themselves, and things that make the eye sigh and go “ah yes that was great food.” also this does not detail beholding powers. i’m just talking about the food, man. the gifts the eye grants its avatars is another story.

first and foremost, what qualifies something as feeding the eye? how does the eye “eat”? if something falls under the following categories, it feeds the eye: fear of being watched, fear of being exposed, fear of being followed, or fear of having your secrets known to somebody else. if something falls under the following categories, it is eye-related behavior likely performed by avatars, but is not in and of itself “eye food”: pursuit of knowledge, especially at the cost of one’s own health or sanity. obviously the latter can enable the former if that pursuit of knowledge is at somebody else’s expense, but what separates the two categories for me is that, to keep the eye as an entity from spreading so thin to the point where anything can be construed as capital-b Beholding because it involves observation or information, is holding fast to the eye being a fear entity. i.e., something can technically be in the eye’s territory of knowledge, but it does not become eye-related unless there is an active element of horror. of course, what constitutes “horror” is subjective, but i think that narrows down the options and removes, say, doing a book report from beholding. tma has a tight thesis of beholding being the horror of watching something terrible and doing nothing to intervene, or the inherent evil of inaction when one is witnessing an atrocity. 

therefore i’m going to make my grading for eye food the following. ( note that like... there’s grey area in between each level where, by taking a lower level to an extreme, you could slide it up to the next, etc. )

level one: are you watching in an obtrusive way? i.e., is this something you should be seeing? are you an active participant? or are you eavesdropping. things that fall into this category include people watching, listening in on conversations, or reading private correspondence. this is the fear of being watched / known against one’s will at play, but only one person ( the avatar ) knows the secrets, so it’s low-level feeding. just hoarding secrets unto oneself gives the avatar what i’d consider a steady drip of water, necessary for life and remaining active, but after an extended period of time with just water, you’re going to want for food. 

something like following someone and making them feel watched as more than just a prickling on the neck for an extended period of time would probably start to actually feed the eye a bit, as was the case with the cursed mirror; someone with a constant and perhaps debilitating fear of being watched, facilitated by the actions of a beholding avatar, would advance to feeding the eye. 

institutionalized watching in an obtrusive way, i.e. the lack of privacy afforded to inmates in a place like millbank, ratchets up to full eye feeding. again, the longer and more intense the watching, the more intense the fear produced, the more likely it’s going to drift up into actual feeding territory. but as a casual action, it’s not sustainable.

level two: are you revealing to the person that you know their secrets? to distinguish this from the above category, i’m talking about the situation with elias and daisy / martin / melanie -- digging out someone’s secrets and then throwing them in their face, making them feel the despair of being peeled open for examination. what puts this at a lower level than mass exposure is the fact that it is probably only the beholding avatar who’s getting anything out of this. this is semi-solid food to the eye, like a gelatin or pudding or other soft hospital food. you can sustain yourself on it, but try to go for any extreme period of time just doing this and you’re probably going to suffer from malnutrition ( if you want to talk to me about malnutrition and how it actually works, aka you’re getting plenty of calories but not all of the components you need, and historic examples of mass malnutrition, we can totally do that; but i want to make it clear for those that might think malnutrition is just like starvation lite, it’s not -- you can be eating a ton of food every day and if you have no variety and if it lacks the proper nutrients, you’re still going to suffer the adverse effects; all this detail to say that’s what happens to an eye avatar who only feeds by privately exposing someone’s secrets to their face, a slow and conscious wasting ). 

constantly harassing someone about their secrets might make your diet a little more diverse, metaphorically, but this category really doesn’t have the same mobility as the previous one.

level three: are you making other people aware of the information you’ve gleaned? this is fear of exposure, where somebody is going to face the fallout and consequences of having something unsavory put on display for an audience. ( yes, this covers body image fears of people in the public eye, which is imo a flesh fear that the eye can also feed upon, but that’s an intense discussion for another post that needs to be handled with nuance. i only mention it to make it clear that like... it doesn’t even have to be something objectively horrid that’s exposed; if the person who is being put on display has a fear of being seen, that’s enough to put it in this category, because it is producing anxiety or discomfort. ) no need for bullet points! this gets more and more intense the wider the audience and the more people talk about it. this is solid beholding food with good nutrition! you could make a beholding career out of this! i’m certain that elias does some feeding by allowing students in to read the dirty laundry of named statement givers ( in addition to slurping the despair of visitors who aren’t going to be helped at all by the institute ). after all, statement givers frequently express fear of being pegged as “insane” or having experienced the denial, pity, or avoidance of their friends and family after their experiences. judgement cast upon vulnerability? eye food.

level four: taking a statement. this is sort of disconnected from the rest and may exist alongside them rather than above them, but canonically, reading and experiencing ( getting into character, allowing yourself to feel the presented emotions ) a statement feeds the eye. notice how jon works through tons of “statements” a week, documents gathered by the institute, but only reads one true statement a week on average. he “steps into the shoes” of the statement giver and re-experiences the terror, often while learning something about another entity and how it functions, increasing his own knowledge of the fear world. in my opinion, this is where we get into the eye simultaneously feeding on what’s offered and feeding on the avatar. jon is exhausted after reading a statement and needs to rest. multiple people state that it seems to take a lot out of him. he needs them to survive, but he also finds the experiences draining. this is a solid cooked meal, and the eye has the digestion of a snake, so if you get one of these a week? you’re good. 

level five: taking a statement directly from another subject, though? that’s just feeding. cutting out the middle man and the mental transportation of reading a literary piece ( or listening to a tape, or watching a recording ) means that you just get to feed off the person’s fear, because you are peeling them open and knowing them. this does relate a bit to level two, which is why i said it’s probably more of a horizontal relationship, but the difference for me is that you are forcing them to give an account of their encounter with a fear, thus accumulating knowledge of a lived experience and of the other deities, and you are making a person feel known and exposed, often ( in canon ) in a way that’s abrupt and uncalled for. willing statement-givers do not seem to have the same reactions as the poor people jon yoinks in public. taking statements seems to be compulsory for archivists in particular. whether or not it impacts administrators ( elias ) in the same way is hard to discern. maybe not, or maybe that’s solved by having the institute function the way it does, because all those statements are technically elias’s. ( i also have opinions on how elias feeds every single day but we’ll get to that later. the fear machine of the institute. ) this is good food. this is gourmet. this is why the eye stans jon. feeding just off of direct statements is going to cause your own power to skyrocket because you are eating so well.

there are probably more examples of ways to feed, and if people wanna shoot me ims or asks like “is this proper eye feeding?” i’d be happy to answer with my own takes on the situation ( because these are my own takes lol you do not need to live or die by this headcanon I Just Think My Theory Is Sound Enough For This Blog ). but now we’ll look at behaviors that may indicate a propensity for beholding, or that keep a beholding avatar in shape without feeding them; the exercise counterpart to a healthy diet. presented in bullet point form because these are not as in-depth as the above.

an inclination towards extensive research. not just looking up what you need for a book report and nothing more, we’re talking about going down a rabbit hole of research frequently out of a desire to know more. because this does not necessarily produce a fear response and does not necessarily deal with witnessing horror, it is not feeding ( i think about the idea of true crime beholding avatars and i get a little woozy because like... could it work and be canon compliant? certainly. is it therefore a valid take? it sure is. is it something i’m willing to get into? no, because it makes me personally uncomfortable sadly, because i feel some kinda way about the glamorization of serial killers and so on, and though i think an interest in true crime can be pursued tastefully, it’s so nuanced and so Not Me in particular that i just don’t want to get into it, even if i acknowledge that it’s something that probably exists in the tma universe because the tma universe is uncomfortable horror! )

being a nosy bitch. are you always involved in other people’s business, especially drama? do you subscribe to tea spill youtube channels? are you prepared to drop a hot tweet about something shady a celebrity did? ( THIS IS NOT A CRITIQUE OF OR COMMENTARY ON CALLOUT CULTURE INB4, PLEASE I BEG YOU. ) you have the beholding inclination to dig and reveal secrets! awesome!

a desire to organize and preserve information. i think often about this one because one of the things about the ceaseless watcher is that it knows but does not comprehend. it is not interested in understanding or exploring the nuance of what it observes, which is what makes it so horrific. it doesn’t care, the only thing it’s invested in is watching fear and accumulating knowledge so that it can “say” it has more information than anybody else. this, i think, is why beholding tends to center itself around academic institutions. the idea of gatekeeping knowledge, of an ivory tower, is so beholding-appropriate because if you think about the implications then yes, it’s bad. hoarding knowledge and not allowing other people to learn is not a good thing, and that’s why beholding is so very into it. HOWEVER, I AM ALSO DEEPLY INVESTED IN THE IDEA THAT THIS IS WHAT SEPARATES THE FEAR GOD BEHOLDING FROM ITS HUMAN AVATARS. because the avatars are painfully human! michael is proof enough of that i think! even if avatars consider themselves a different species, at the very least “formerly-human” categorically, they were humans and still have human flaws and inclinations. one of these, for beholding avatars, is organization. it’s putting the puzzle pieces together ( unless you’re bad at it, i’m so sorry jon you’re really trying and i love you, but in this case i think that has more to do with jon’s tendency to shoot himself in the foot / put himself at a disadvantage because he is afraid than a beholding-wide thing ), because the human brain usually wants to understand things. it wants to draw meaning from things. even elias, probably the least human of the beholding avatars we see, has to organize the information he has and put separate stories together to form a larger picture, because functioning in the human world just necessitates doing that! you want to stop another ritual? you can’t just gather different pieces of information and not relate them to each other, you have to categorize them and draw conclusions. and, imo, this is what separates the human world from the post-apocalyptic world. the post-apocalyptic world does not require analysis or organization, it can simply be; that is reality as warped and controlled by the fear gods.

there’s probably more to this but i have talked so much, i think that’s enough for now. anyways i care so much about beholding and how it functions and this is actually my least academic bullshitty piece on it, so yay for that. usually i’m all “voyeurism and The Gaze and how it functions in society and especially media!” but today? today we just talk about good eats.

[tmitransitioning]

how will t be most likely to change my dietary needs? i used to have an eating disorder, and even now, i have trouble getting enough nutrients just because i have extremely limited access to food that i can hold down and still afford. also, ive heard t can cause some weight gain. im getting better about not obsessing over my weight, and i know its probably more muscle weight than fat, but im afraid ill relapse again anyway. are there ways beyond "just dont look" that i can deal with that better?

cw: disordered eating, calorie restriction, weight, generally talking about food and anxiety

So, I have been/am in a very similar position—long-running restrictive disordered eating patterns, low budget for groceries, and not a lot of food that I can physically eat (digestive problems). My ED started around natal puberty and has persisted since, but I’ve also never been formally treated, so the strategies and discussion here may not encompass that perspective.

Testosterone is... interesting, because it almost universally makes you hungry, kind of like a teenage cis dude, but a lot of the “oh my god if I don’t eat protein right now I’m gonna go feral” kind of hunger goes away after the first couple years. Cis women and cis men don’t really have that different of energy needs*, and while it’s true that your body needs energy to build muscle and grow hair and all of that, I think we sometimes accidentally give the impression that you’re constantly going to be eating three-course meat platters, which can make anxiety around food a lot worse to think about. It’s also kind of hard to figure out how much someone’s appetite increase is due solely to hormones and what is due to lifestyle changes—a lot of trans people on T hit the gym super hard and then wonder why they’re so hungry. (That’s a self-drag.) In general, once you’re past the bulk of the Second Puberty Changes, your appetite returns to about what it was.

The same goes for weight gain. Not everyone gains weight on testosterone**. In most people, T promotes muscle growth; you don’t get bodybuilder muscles without a ton of effort, but you will likely feel a bit stronger and might see physical muscle development in parts of your body that you use a lot (I got quads of steel; a lot of people get buff forearms and shoulders; your butt usually changes if you walk a lot; etc). HRT in general also doesn’t change how much body fat you have, because that is largely genetic. The shape that body fat takes will change, which can trigger emotions and anxiety about your body—I’ve had a hard time with this re: fat redistribution to my stomach. Knowing what effects something is having doesn’t necessarily turn the ED off, which is pretty frustrating; they’re irrational and based in fear and interact weirdly with dysphoria.

If you’re able to, I’ve found the most helpful thing is to straight-up build eating into a schedule every day. For example, I use paper lists on my desk a lot to keep track of things I have to do on days when I’m home, and I’ll incorporate “eat something” into those at specific intervals—”do dishes, clean desk, eat food, study, eat food, etc.”. It doesn’t have to be a meal, and it’s unrealistic to expect myself to do that. I also think that, since this isn’t a clinical setting, it is probably better to try and not track or care about the caloric or nutritional content, if possible. That is out of the question for a lot of people’s EDs, and I don’t know what form yours takes; I mention it because the anxiety produced around trying to hit a calorie goal can make it a lot harder to eat anything, and putting some fuel in is better than no fuel.

The trick to the repeated reminders thing is that you have to enforce it, or get something else to enforce it for you—I like phone alarms and timed reminders for this, where I can set them to snooze for five minutes but cannot dismiss them until I physically have an apple or whatever in my hand.

In terms of dealing with your actual thoughts about your weight: You’re right, “just don’t look” isn’t really a feasible solution. But it’s also hard to know how those thoughts will change on T, which makes them tough to anticipate and react to in advance. There’s a really, really weird intertwining of dysphoria and body image that tends to happen, where people will find that the body shape they settle into on hormones either doesn’t give them the same urge to control it that their pre-HRT body did or is easily separable from those feelings. I don’t want to tell you to wait and see but I do think that your overall ability to counter the anxiety you feel around food may get stronger when you feel more in control of/euphoric in your body. It’s weird, and takes some introspection to tease out, like, “okay I felt bad about my thighs previously because they made me dysphoric but now they’re shaped differently and I’m pretty sure that my remaining bad feelings are weight-based”. But it does, genuinely, surprisingly help a lot to ease dysphoria as a way of addressing weight and eating. EDs don’t disappear with hormonal transition, or with surgery, but they can get easier to manage when you are not constantly anxious about your body and gender. I hope some of this helps you; I’m sorry I can’t give you more of a handbook-style guide to it, I’m not sure anyone has it fully figured out.

- Mod Wolf

* The recommended-calorie diets are based on self-reported intakes; followup studies found that women were underreporting more than men were.

** And, conversely, not everyone loses weight on estrogen.

[cowboyjen68]

I used to be Vegan and then I became a vegetarian bc due to a health reason I cannot have soy&gluten. I wanted to be able to eat more foods. I’m struggling though because even though I added eggs&yogurt back into my diet I still feel hungry/lethargic all the time. I’m wondering if I should go back to eating meat but it’s been so long&I have lots of guilt associated with eating meat. I remember you posted you don’t each meat. Any tips?

Good morning. I do eat vegan 95 percent of the time.. I eat honey from a keeper in a nearby town and eggs from Themla and Lizzie and their extended flock because they belong to friends of mine and I know they have a great life. I also wear leather boot and gloves etc.. so I don’t fit full on Vegan. My goal is to be healthy,  what what I put in my body and try not to eat animals. 

I also can’t resist my co workers cookies and cakes.. so… sometimes I get a little milk.

Here is a link that a friend game me to keep protien in check outside of the eggs and boca burger I eat.  Peanut butter is a big source for me.. mainly because we use it freely at work to give dogs treats and pills so it is always around us and we are allow to help ourselves, perk of the job.

https://www.22daysnutrition.com/blog/2013/05/01/15-vegan-sources-of-protein-soy-free-and-gluten-free-too

I eat a ton of various mushrooms.  They are not high in protien but they do have a ton on nutrients that can be helpful to maintain health. 

I have a friend, Kate the Greats (self describe “old Land Dyke” who harvests lots of things from her land. She sells me dried mushrooms, outside of the store kind and a very high source of protien she sells me are stinging nettles.  They are plentiful in the midwest. SO if you found a source and learned how, you can harvest and dry them yourself. Most people are glad to have them harvested because the little bastard do sting.

My dad taught be about Dandelions as well. They are plentiful and pretty much every one wants them gone but they are a great food source. Super high in protein and many nutrients. There are lots of recipes out there. They can be used raw, cooked or dried. I try and harvest some when they hit in the spring, but I don’t have a dryer so I can’t save them.   

Creeping Charlie is another edible weed and it even had antiviral properties to boost health and healing and again, gladly want it gone. IF you grow it, beware.. it is very invasive and in some places illegal.

I hope this helps a bit. 

[almondmelkk]

How to ACTUALLY meal prep

Breaking down meal prepping 

So I see a lot of people share meal prep ideas and showing put this much brown rice, this much meat/protein source and this much veggies. But everyone’s dietary needs are different so one persons meal prepping won’t be suitable for everyone. Some people may need less calories or more protein for instance. So here’s how you can make sure your more closely getting the meal prepping you want and need.

So first things first, your going to have to do some math 🙀 (I know sorry). You’ll need to calculate your caloric needs*and then from there you can calculate your macronutrient needs. (Macronutrients “macros” are carbs, fats and protein. They provide the body it’s energy through calories.)

I know this can seem like a ton of info (because it is) but once you do all your calculations and try it a few times it becomes a lot easier and you won’t really have to think about it!

How crazy you wanna get with your meal prepping is up to you! If you wanna prep every meal and get everything perfect to the gram that’s awesome and I respect your discipline! As for me, I just like to loosely follow my macro needs and only meal prep once a day (typically lunch for me since I like packing a lunch for work). For my other meals I’m generally conscious of the approximate calories and macros but I don’t calculate them.

I’m going to try to share as much information with you as I can, but this can get VERY complex since we are talking about calculating macronutrients. Like I said everyone is different so things vary person to person due to activity level, weight, gender, height etc. Also, the more specific your goals are the more specific/tricky your meal prepping will need to be. What I mean by that is, if your goal is to gain 5lbs of muscle it may be difficult for you to judge how much you should skew your protein needs. In those cases it would be beneficial to see a dietitian who can help closely guide you. Thats not always feasible though, so I provided general recommendations of macro nutrients designed for different levels of activities and goals. 

One thing I HIGHLY RECOMMEND is a scale!! This is huge because when you look at nutrition values in food they usually have cup amounts and then gram or ounce amounts in parenthesis next to it. So when you measure something with cups the amount can vary so much! When you scoop up one cup, sometimes the food might be more or less compact causing a significantly different measurement. However, if you weigh the food you’ll always get the exact amount needed that way the nutrition info will be correct. 

Alright lets get into it! You’ll need to calculate your general calorie and macronutrient needs. 

Start with calculating your calorie needs (This will help you determine how many calories you want to eat and put into your meal preps). 

Once you have your calorie needs click here for recommended macronutrient amounts. (This is will help you determine how much grains/veggies, proteins, fats etc. to put in your meal preps

Now you may still need a little more help picking what percentages/amount of each macro you want. This is super tough to try and give advice for over a blog post but again ill do my best! 🤗

If your a sedentary individual trying to lose weight WITHOUT an exercise regime, then you may want to pick a fairly balanced amount of macronutrients such as 60% carbs, 20% protein & 25% fat. 

If your trying to lose weight WITH an exercise regime,  increasing your protein would be a good idea because a decrease in calories could cause muscle atrophy (reduction) because not enough protein would be present to sustain muscle. So a good idea might be to decrease carbs a bit to 55%, increase protein to 25% & 25% fat. 

If your trying to maintain your weight than you can focus more on just picking % that fit you (This can go for anybody/activity level too). Pick what makes the most sense to you and how you like to eat. I enjoy carbs so I would pick a higher carb percentage, I weight lift so higher protein percentage and than lower fat percentage. If you feel like carbs don’t agree with you then lower to 45% and increase proteins and fat. 

If your an average gym goer, a balanced amount of macronutrients will be appropriate as well. Perhaps, 50-55% carbs, moderate protein for muscle growth 20-25%, and moderate fat 25%. 

If your an endurance athlete (runner, marathons, triathletes), your going to be eating a lot of calories in general but you’ll definitely want to pick a higher carb percentage such as 60-65%, low-moderate protein 15-20% & low fat 20%. 

If your a power/strength athlete (powerlifter), moderate-high carbohydrates 50-65%, increase your protein to compensate for muscle growth so high protein 25-35%, and low fat 20% as its not considered beneficial for power athletes (or endurance athletes). 

*All of your daily % can fluctuate within a desired range (probably about 5-10%) as well. Like everything Ive said, this is all general recommendations and how strict you want to be is up to you*

A few more things that may apply to you!

If your:

Trying to maintain your weight- This is a little easier since all you have to do is eat the exact same amount of calories as you calculated. Also, maintaining weight doesn’t have to mean that your not trying to change your body at all. For instance, Im fine with my weight but I’m trying to gain muscle and lose some fat. Im doing this by maintaining my calories, slightly increasing my protein intake and increasing my strength training.

Trying to lose weight- Reduce daily calories by 500-1000 calories, this will give you a weekly weight loss of 1-2 lbs (.45-.9kg). Decreasing calories by more than a 1000 and loosing more than 2lbs/week is not recommended unless advised/surpervised by a physician. If your trying to lose weight, using your gram per kg of body weight recommendation won’t work because it doesn’t take into account that your trying to decrease calories. Therefor, you will need to use your daily calorie % values to calculate how much carbs to eat. Ex. You burn 2000 calories daily, your trying to lose weight so you reduce your calories to 1800 calories. So to meet daily carb recommendations (45-65%) for instance, 1800 x .45(45%)=810 cal, 1800 x .65(65%)=1170cal if you want to take it a step further and figure out how many grams that is you can divide the calories by the calories in macronutrients. Carbohydrates have 4 cal per gram therefor, 810/4=203 g and 1170/4=293 g. Therefor you can strive to eat 203-293 g of carbohydrates. 

Trying to gain weight- Is just the opposite of trying to lose weight. Your going to increase your calories, and probably your workouts because odds are your trying to gain muscle and not fat. 2300-3600 calories above weekly needs (or 300-500cal more each day) is required to gain 1/2-1lb. Again though, if your not working out enough for your body to NEED these extra calories to repair and build muscle all you will be doing is gaining fatty weight. The increased calories should correspond to the increased demand that your workout out puts on your body. Also, it is recommended that the additional calories are in the form of carbohydrates. Otherwise the body will use your protein sources as the fuel it needs therefor taking away from the protein needed to build muscle. 

So FINALLY making this all translate into actual food! With all these recommendations we can look at a few examples:

Cooked brown rice (200g)- 222 calories, 2g of fat, 45g carbs, and 5g protein

Grilled chicken breast (3oz)- 120 cal, 2g fat, 0g carbs, and 25g protein

Steamed mixed veggies (8oz)- 90 calories, 2g fat, 15g carbs, and 4g protein

TOTAL- 432 calories, 6g fat (13%), 60g carbs (56%), & 34g protein (31%) 

Based off of these percentages (not calories, as they are quite low) this meal prep might be great for a power athlete because of the high protein and low fat values (a little more fat might be good too so maybe cook the chicken breast in a little olive oil or add a little oil/butter to your rice to increase the fat). Also, you can consume more fats in your other meals to get your recommended values. 

Also with this info you can use it to calculate how many more calories, grams of carbs, fats and protein you’ll need for the rest of the day. 

Lets look at another example for a vegan perhaps. 

Cooked brown rice (200g)- 222 cal, 2g of fat, 45g carbs, and 5g protein

Chickpeas (3oz)- 276 cal, 5g fat, 45g carbs, and 14g protein

Steamed broccoli (4oz)- 39 cal, 0g fat, 8g carbs, and 3g protein. 

TOTAL- 537 calories, 7g fat (12%), 98g carbs (73%), 22g protein (16%). 

Based off of these percentages this would probably be better for an endurance athlete, because of the high carb %.  Again though this is just one meal of the day though, so you can eat more fat and protein in your other meals of the day and completely change your daily % making this meal appropriate for anyone!

 So basically what your doing is just trying to get the nutrition facts to add up to your daily needs instead of other peoples needs. The purpose of this post is just to show you how to measure your food so that your not just guessing how much food to put in without knowing how thats going to affect you. Like I said I know this is a lot but I highly recommend doing this at least a few times so you can see what a meal prep designed for you looks like. After that you won’t have to get so crazy and you can start to loosely follow these guidelines because you’ll know what to look for. 

Comment below if you have any questions or need help!!

*I posted this a while ago and a lot of people were saying it doesn’t work but I promise it does if you do the math correctly! Incorrectly adding or subtracting was the main reason why people got crazy numbers. Also, the taller you are or the more you weigh the more calories your body burns daily.

Source: Fink, Heather Hedrick., and Alan E. Mikesky. Practical Applications in Sports Nutrition. Jones & Bartlett Learning, 2018.

[ivyuns]

after hours ❆ ✰

han jisung

genre: angst and fluff

word count: 1.6k

warnings: language + self harm

A/N: since you guys asked for it, heres part two of moral of the story (: repost

listen to after hours by the weeknd

part one | part two

masterlist

thought i almost died in my dream again.

right after you left changbin’s embrace to hop onto your plane back to korea, he was furious. he didnt even knew jisung was cheating on you. as a cousin, he went to yell at your ex lover.

“han fucking jisung.” changbin muttered out. the younger one lifted his eyes and saw his hyung. quickly wiping his tears and waits for changbin to continue speaking. “did i just witnessed y/n catching you cheating on her? are you serious jisung? after everything she done for you, for us, and you did this in return!?” changbin ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh.

“i wont hurt you or anything, just at least talk to y/n and fix some things alright?” jisung immediately nodded as changbin left the room. jisung got up and changed into a casual outfit and met up with his manager to talk about some things.

without you, don't wanna sleep. cause my heart belongs to you.

after meeting up with his manager and convincing to continue the tour without him, he finally agreed. jisung dashes through the hallway, into his hotel room and gathers his stuff and gets his belongings then heads to the airport.

handing in his ticket and sitting in his seat in the plane, he pulls our your promise ring that you threw at him a few hours ago and remembers your pained face the moment you saw him cheat on you. the way the tears fell onto your cheeks. the way you wanted to hold back your tears but couldnt. jisung kicks the seat in front of him and starts bawling his eyes out, earning a groan from the elder who he kicked, immediately starting to apologize to the boomer.

wanting to fall asleep so time can pass by, only to have nightmares of you, taking your own life of his yet another stupid mistake. forcing himself to stay awake by looking back at all the memories you two shared.

baby where are you now when I need you most? i'd give it all just to hold you close.

after the plane has landed, he made his way out of the gate and hailed a cab and gave the driver the address of your apartment. few minutes pass by and jisung looks up and sees his destination. thanking the driver and giving them money and tip, he gets his stuff and unlocks your door. everything looked normal. you had to be here. quickly going to each room to see where you were, you were unseen.

memories start flooding in his mind and sees the first fight you two had. seeing your pale body on the bathroom floor. bunch of tubes connected to your body to regain the nutrients needed. he ran his hands through his hair and yelled, not caring about the neighbors. he needed to find you before his nightmare in the plane could actually happen.

i know it's all my fault, made you put down your guard.

he ran to the dorm, thankful you decided to live a few blocks away from them. taking out his keys to unlock the door and smells a familiar scent, knowing you came here recently. he goes to his room to see a box on his bed and the pictures hung up of you two hidden in his drawer.

seeing the note placed on the box made him feel even more worse. he let out another scream and pulled out his phone, seeing if you still share your location with him.

entering the passcode for his phone and opening his friends locator app. he searches for your name only to find only you can see his location. he threw his phone on the bed and fell on the ground. not knowing where you could be. who knows if youre in the streets all alone.

knowing if youre upsetting at something, jisung always knew you wouldnt have the appetite to eat and ruin your healthy life. even if you came back to korea a few hours ago, your body could make you sick, especially since you didnt eat anything before you left for japan.

i know i made you fall, they said you were wrong for me

remembering how you acted towards him after telling stays about your relationship with him made him guilty. he knew how insecure you felt since the beginning of high school. after the mean comments stays made about you, you felt everyone was coming at you and that you didnt deserve jisung.

until jisung stepped in and defended you. he brought in the light when you fell into the darkest time. even til before he cheated on you, whenever you would fall into a dark time, he would be your knight in shining armor and bring you back to light.

i lied to you, i lied to you, i lied to you. Can't hide the truth, I stayed with her in spite of you.

he knew he shouldnt had cheated on you. but something that jiseo gave him made him fall harder for her and started cheating behind your back. the times he cancelled the dates and plans was only to hang out with jiseo. with the excuses he used was just he needed to practice more or make a new song. all the lies he said to you. all the unsaid i love you.

you did some things that you regret, still ride for you. cause this house is not a home.

currently on the bridge you were sitting at, with the han river under your dangling legs and with park near the bridge, where you two met when you were a little kid. with a blade in your hand, you rolled up your over-sized button up flannel to reveal a fresh canvas to place the scars. each memory and tear that fell, you would cut into your flesh. you promised yourself you would never cut youself or try to harm you, but you felt weak and nobody was there to help.

jisung, who was running around trying to look at the places you would always go to relieve some stress or just for fun. remembering you would always go to the park next to the han river always made you feel so calm since it was the place you and him landed eyes on each other. running to the park, only to find nobody. looking up afar, he sees a figure. a very familiar figure. noticing the same flannel you would always wear.

making his way to the bridge, he hears the sobs which pains him. going up to you, he sees blood coming out of your fore arm. widening his eyes as he approaches you, he takes the blade and throws it in the river and hugs your trembling body.

“its okay y/n” he tries to make you calm. slowly sinking into the hug, relaxing. you then remember what happened. with your shaking body, you push jisung back to where he isnt hugging you anymore and falls on his side. “how can you say that as i caught you cheating on me?!” you yelled out, which you shouldnt have, making you see more than one jisung.

“y/n, let me explain!” due to lots of blood loss, you fainted. having jisung to press on your wounds and take you to the hospital. “please y/n, not again. please i cant lose you again.”

jisung waited in the waiting room with his elbows on his knees and bloody hands on his hand. as the doctor was walking towards him with papers in his hands, he stood up. “ah so jisung. y/n is fine but due to the lost of blood she lost which was almost half a gallon, she will be having blood transmitting to her body. you can go to her room now” jisung thanks the doctor as he pats jisungs back.

walking to your room, only to see you looking at the window. jisung grabs a chair and places it next to your bed. jisung grabs your hand and starts speaking.

“im sorry y/n. i-i shouldnt have cheated on you. if i didnt, we wouldnt have to be in this situation. i dont know why i did it in the first place but after seeing you hurt, it just made me feel so guilty. i didnt return you the love you gave me and seeing your pained face, i just felt my heart shatter. and after having to keep stray kids continuing their tour without me and coming back here to talk to you. just because i love you and i dont know what life ill be doing without you.”

you turn your head to see jisungs face full of regret of what he did in the hotel room. you smiled after hearing ‘i love you’ after months. “i love you too jisung”. he lifts up his head and sees you smile. he gets up and hugs you. “if you do this again jisung, i wont hesitate and break up with you.” and kiss jisung on his lips. he sits back down and grabs your left hand. “i believe you need to put this on again, sunshine.” and slides in the promise ring you threw at him.

and finally, he goes on his knees and pulls out the small black velvet box you found earlier. without jisung even asking, you immediately say yes. “baby i didnt even ask you” jisung laughs.

“i dont care, yes is my answer.”

jisung smiles and puts the engagement ring on your ring finger.

“thank you for this second chance baby”

sorry that i broke your heart, your heart. and I said, baby, i’ll treat you better than i did before, i'll hold you down and not let you go, this time i won't break your heart, your heart, no.

END <3

a repost since first try didnt show up in the tags but ty for reading