#INSANE! maybe it's partly because this is very much my taste in music but this might be my favorite fandom playlist i've ever found)

[scificrows]

#and the song references the greek shield on the album cover which shows justice leading a soldier #saying I will bring this man back and he will have his city and move freely in his father's halls (op how could you leave this in the tags!!!)

the mountain goats’ new song fresh tattoo is soooo breq/seivarden coded like

very “picking up a half-dead soldier off the street and dragging her along on your quest for justice” core

[salientseraph]

GIV'US THE LIST!!! Genuinely curious about your heinous taste in men

OKAY ANON?1??1?1

I'm gonna try to go in somewhat chronological order. Some are fictional, some are non fictional, it should make sense :)

This is a LONG FUCKING POST BTW

My first crush ever......drum roll......

(gonna be using gifs so i don't hit a photo limit)

1) Mike Nesmith!!! (The Monkees)

He's one of my earliest memories, I had to be around three years old. First crush started off strong. The first episode I ever saw was fairytale, and it was absolutely AMAZING because this beautiful princess was also a beautiful MAN??? It was like hitting the jackpot! I loved his Texan accent SOOO much but had somehow convinced myself that it was embarrassing so I didn't tell anyone?? At 3 years old. But now I'm living my truth👍🏻

2) Michael Jackson (all eras)

I'm almost positive he was my first hyperfixaction when I was around 5. I listened to his music EVERY DAY and SHAMELESSLY wore a sparkly glove despite it being a sensory nightmare. When my mom had told me he died it was like my entire world ended, and I had gained a new catchphrase whenever my parents introduced me to something new, "Are they dead?"

3) Christopher Reeve's Superman (and Lois)

I don't particularly remember how old I was, but it was around the same time methinks. Absolutely melted every time he smiled. And was extremely confused as to why I wanted to be around Lois so much. Couldn't ever decide who I wanted to look at more. (Partly a biromantic awakening)

4) Sam Beckett (Quantum Leap)

If you couldn't tell, growing up in the early 2000's with musicians as parents led to little 5 year old me having so many old interests I couldn't really relate to younger kids, but that was okay because I had variety! I'm not quite sure how old I was when Netflix was a postal service, but every week or so we'd get a new episode of Quantum Leap, and I LOVED Sam. (And of course my favorite episodes were when he had to be a girl. I am a creature of habit)

5) Obi Wan Kenobi (and Padme) (Star Wars)

Yet another one I was REALLY embarrassed about for some reason. All of my (2 neighbor friends) thought Anakin was soooo hot and I was like.....haha yeah....

6) Chuck Bartowski (and Sarah Walker) (Chuck)

I sort of grew up watching the show Chuck, I'm pretty sure we had rented most of the seasons from our local block buster, lol. Anyway, another case of bi panic, because good GOD. I mean seriously. Just look at them. ALSO I have to mention Scott Bakula (actor for Sam Beckett) is Chuck's DAD so um. Do with that information what you will.

7) The Doctor (11) (Doctor who)

I'm 6 years old. I'm over at my mom's friends house and I am subjected to the first modern show I had really ever paid attention to, and I see this beautiful man holding a baby. And I'm like wait hey...maybe I should sit and watch this instead of wasting 2 hours on the sims 2. So I sit my ass down and it is love at first sight. Later I go to watch the show on my own and the first episode he's with a kid MY AGE?!?! I ate that shit UP. Still madly in love with the raggedy man.

8) 2016 youtuber phase (sigh)

OKAY OKAY EVERYONE ON FANDOM TUMBLR don't boo me, everyone had a youtuber phase in middle school. Everyone also had an undertale phase in middle school. It was the thing to do, (aside from superwholock of course) Had to mention it because we're going in chronological order of things, bear with me. Although these are real people, everyone who was in the depths of insanity at the time knows they were all very...fanonized. Pewdiepie, Jackscepticeye, and Dan Howell (known at the time as danisnotonfire). Yes I am a little ashamed. But I do stand by the fact they are all very cute. I think this is also around the time I got into the Flash series, which brings us...

9) Cisco (The Flash)

Okay girl no one wanted him like I did. Everyone was so focused on the flash they did NOT notice my mans, and that was okay because I didn't have to fight over him with anyone lmao- but yes, he was the light of my life in middle school. Promptly stopped watching the show when he left. Around that time I got into Steven Universe all the way until my sophmore (?) year of highschool which brings us to....

10) Loki (Marvel Media)

Okay look, after being a mild marvel hater for a low-key (pun intended) long time, the loki series came out and I was like okay sure I'll watch it. And henceforth 2021 was the year of Lokimania. Or more fitting, Hiddleston mania. Watched everything I could get my hands on. But I always came back to Loki. (I was 16/17 I think?)

11) Castiel (Supernatural)

Avoided watching the show for a long time because of....the superwholock plague LOL. So 2022 rolls around and my mom is like "hey btw this show is actually really good" and I'm like okay whatever.

Then season 4 hits. And I see this ANGEL. And I am in love. 2022 was the year of supernatural, along with FINALLY getting all of the in-jokes of superwholock.

12) Connor (Detroit: Become Human)

I am now 18. I found myself delving back into my old "watch jacksepticeye while I eat lunch bc I want to be non-verbal" habit and stumbled across his dbh playthrough. I watched it literally ANY time I could. Took two days but it was life changing, so much so that I had literally convinced my mom to buy a cheap ps4 and I played the game. Got so much into the fandom I started watching Bryan Decharts streams, and one thing lead to another and HE COMMENTED ON MY FANART!! Anyway live laugh love Connor Anderson (he is hanks son)

13) Arthur Morgan (Red Dead Redemption 2)

Piggy-backing off of the high of dbh, I finally got around to purchasing red dead 2 (because like 5 of my friends recommended it to me, including my older brother) so I got it, and BOY I did not expect to fall in love with a cowboy, but I suppose it is deeply rooted in me to like fellas of that sort. I cried my eyes out and couldn't eat for a whole day when he died in my first playthrough.

14) Astarion (Baldur's Gate 3)

Look do I even need to explain myself here. Its the same old story of girl sees beautiful man from media she has no idea about, obsesses over thousands of videos of him, buys game and romances him, the rest is history. 2023 was definitely my videogame year.

15) Jerma probably

Look we all know he isn't real but look at how cute he is ^v^'!!

Supremely Honorable Mention: Newt Scamander (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them)

I would have put him in the list but I literally have no memory of watching the first movie, when I did it, how I felt, nothing. Its just a blip and then all of a sudden this human embodiment of a shy giggle consumed my brain (and this was before I was a fan of anything harry potter, again I avoided all the media all together because of the cringe millennial fandom stuff I had seen, no hate to y'all now though cause I'm one of you)

There you have it! I've had a ton of mini crushes in-between these but none compare to this list I think :) I love them very very much and I need to make a giant fanart with all of my silly funky quirky little dudes all being friends <3

[the1975attheirverybest]

It is true that i need to learn to learn to stand to lose too because i was a 'gifted kid' and i dont think i need to say how scared i am of coming out as 'talentless' lol

I think a big part of it is also that i dont feel very supported? Which i think is partly my fault because i know my family doesnt really understand any artistic medium and none of my friends are in the music field and dont really get why im dping this if im not studying music (which is actually so silly to think because why do i have to stick to only one form of art?)

In lighter terms, ive been writhing a lot lately and felt quite proud of some stuff i came out with, and finished one i cry everytime i play so i was quite happy with how i could capture it out.

Its so scary to let people see how you think but ill try to work on it, thanks halla for taking the time to respond to this, i really really appreciate it 💕

-🤖

Ohhhh babeee. I get that believe me 💗💗 I’m a scholarship kid who got into the Ivy leagues (if you’re not in the US: Harvard, Stanford, MIT, UPenn etc) but then had a mental breakdown and almost got kicked out of the program. Believe me, I know how you feel. the perfectionism is a blessing and a curse lmao. I also come from generations of a STEM family who don’t really get the whole literature thing hahahha. Growing up, I was always told “can’t you just….read books as a hobby? Get a degree that pays money!” (Which is fair enough. Unemployment rates for English PhDs is 60% they’re not wrong lmao).

But that’s where I think Matty’s statement, though dramatic, is serially true. Artists who stop making art would go insane. You did not choose this music thing. It chose you. And if you forced yourself to just not do it anymore and try something “safe” that you can excel at easily to scratch that perfectionist need to do everything in the best possible way, then you might be happy for 5 seconds. But you’ll eventually start to miss the music and do anything you can to get back to it. That’s how I feel now about my abandoned degree in creative writing lol. Keep at it. Life is too short to hold back from things that you love just cuz some dumbass out there who can’t get their head out of their ass doesn’t like what you have to say. Good news!! There is soooo much music out there for all sorts of folks and their tastes. The people who like you will choose you and those who don’t can fuck off and go find some music they do like!

Oh hey no thanks necessary. I’m really glad you’re doing this. We need artists all the time. Can never have enough!

Maybe try this: make a song about being scared to make songs for this project and maybe include it in the project? Could be therapeutic? Haha.

[violenceenthusiast]

ok i had a thought that makes me wanna dip my head in acid but in a soft way...

dean and claire having a father/daughter saturday of fun and low-grade mischief, going to an arcade and joke-fighting over what stuffed animal to get with their tickets and getting slushies and while they’re taking a break to grab burgers claire says “yknow i’ve been meaning to go get- wanna come with me while i get a new piercing??”

and dean pinches in the direction of her ear a little and says “what, you don’t have enough of those already?” as if he doesn’t think they’re the coolest thing.

she waves him off, eyes flicking between the burger in her hands and the table “i don’t know i just thought it’d be something else fun to do today.”

dean’s only half teasing when he asks “you want me there to hold your hand?”

claire rolls her eyes and looks to the side with half a smile, “oh shut up.” but it’s true, she does want him there to hold her hand– she may be a hardcore hunter who will take a knife cut or a monster bite in stride, but she always gets a little nervous before each piercing. maybe having dean there will make it just a little more manageable.

––

they get to the studio and claire signs the forms, picks out her jewelry, takes a seat to wait while they get ready for her. dean is pacing, looking carefully in each case, at each display. the nice person behind the counter sees him looking and asks “did you want to get something pierced today too?” claire cracks a smile at that and dean looks up at the counter clerk a little wide-eyed, eyebrows raised and mouth half open in surprise, huffs out a breath and looks down as half a nervous smile pulls at the left side of his mouth. he sticks one hand in his pocket and gives one wave with the other as he says “ha. nah, no- just here for her today” as he gestures at claire. he goes to sit with her until the piercer calls them back to the room that’s set up for them.

claire is getting a conch piercing and it’s going more easily than usual- partly because dean is there with her, partly because there are shockingly few nerve endings in the middle of the ear cartilage, and partly because the woman doing the piercing is insanely pretty and insanely good at what she does (she used to be a phlebotomist so she knows a little something about blood, needles, nervousness, and a given person’s propensity for fainting). while the piercer is busy marking the ear, claire looks over at dean in his chair and unable to contain the question any longer asks him, “you ever thought about getting a piercing?”

“me? nah.. it’s just not- i mean they would’ve gotten ripped out for sure by some- by accident.” he was about to say ‘by some monster’ but caught himself before he really weirded out the nice piercer woman. he hadn’t thought about him and piercings in a long time. he had slowly stopped wearing even rings and bracelets as much over the years in case they got caught on something during a hunt (though now he had a new ring on his left hand that he never took off). a piece of jewelry actually in the body was even more of a ridiculous idea for a hunter. but he wasn’t a hunter any more, not really. hadn’t been for about a year. after chuck and getting cas back safe and human.. with sam and eileen running their witchy little hunter hub from the bunker.. it had just seemed like his opportunity and his time to break out of it all. wow okay in that split second he trailed so far off from where he started.. where did he start? ...piercings! right. he remembers being young and not being able to take his eyes off the men in bars with the metal glinting in their ears, noses, lips.. now he knew the staring had been more about the men than the jewelry but it hadn’t not been about the jewelry either. was this one of those things he got to think about now, again, for the first time in a lifetime?

claire takes a moment to make sure she isn’t woozy any more and gets up to go look in the mirror at her new adornment. she smiles and dean snaps out of his own little world to say “you like it?” 

she looks at him through the mirror “love it.” and then, mischievous, “your turn.”

“my turn??”

“oh absolutely.” a moment of raised eyebrows and incredulous silence then, “if you decide you hate it you can just take it out. c’mon i saw your face, you want one you can’t hide from me.”

she’s right. he protests weakly, but she knows him all too well at this point and she’s right and the goading from the piercer only encourages her.

“okay okay fine. but nothing too showy.”

they decide on a rook. it’s not too prominent but it’s definitely there, definitely unique, it will look okay on it’s own if he never gets another piercing, and if he has to jump in on an odd hunt it’s far enough into the ear that it would be hard for it to get caught on anything or ripped out. dean picks a simple, stainless steel piece with a lapis lazuli setting– blue for his husband (though if you asked him he would deny that’s why he chose it. but only at first).

he can’t believe how jittery he is about the whole thing, but this time claire holds his hand. it’s over before it’s begun and he thought it might be painful like the tattoo was, or like any of the number of painful little things that have happened to him over the years but it’s not, it mostly just feels strange. it’s nice to be surprised like that.

dean hops off the bench like claire did and goes to the mirror half expecting to hate what he sees. but he’s surprised for the second time in barely a minute. the glint of the metal in his ear doesn’t just look good, it looks right. like it was meant to be there and he had been awaiting it’s arrival but didn’t know it. something hard to name, something small, something he didn’t know was missing until he found it had just found its way to him, slotted into place and settled in his ribs. he feels quieter but also on fire– like he’d be satisfied to just sit and read a book, like he could face god and win (again).

from behind him claire asks, “like it?”

he smiles. “love it.”

––

they kick around for a little while longer, each of them forgetting about their new piercings until they catch sight of the other’s or until they catch their reflection in a shop window and take a second to admire the newness. eventually claire begrudgingly admits she has to get back to campus to get some work done. dean drops her off at her dorm with a hug and a “stay out of trouble”. 

dean makes the drive home to cas, just lost enough in happy thoughts and memories from the day that he forgets to put on any music until he’s already half way home. 

he gets to the house and finds cas watering the plants in the living room. he leans in the doorframe, watching his love gently tend to each plant in turn. dean doesn’t say anything, he knows cas knows he’s there and will greet him when he’s finished seeing to his darlings. in the meantime dean gets to delight in the sight of the curve of cas’ back as he bends this way and that to reach the plants, the delicate and reverent care he shows each leaf and vine.

cas finishes his routine, sets the water down and turns to greet dean. he freezes half way to saying hello because something is.. something.. something is... he can’t put a name to it, nothing is wrong but dean is.. shifted. not different.. but different. dean is holding his head oddly turned to the side and it doesn’t help either that dean is smiling around a secret and they both know it. cas narrows his eyes but brushes off the feeling long enough to cross the room and give dean a kiss, quick but whole and familiar. dean turns his head to look at a plant and ask a question about it and “accidentally” reveal his new addition. cas, who hasn’t taken a single step backwards since coming over to kiss dean, of course sees the jewelry immediately and exclaims before dean even has a chance to start his made-up question. 

after some very amusing joke-yelling from both sides, it’s revealed that cas just absolutely loves it. and not that dean was worried cas would hate it but dean was a little worried cas would hate it. or worse, that he would judge it. but cas loves that dean tried something new, loves that he chose something blue, loves that dean seems just that little bit more at home in himself. and from the slight blush in his cheeks and ears, dean can tell cas thinks it’s a little bit sexy too. 

––

dean keeps thinking about how much he liked getting a piercing. he gets it on a fundamental level now, gets claire and her array of silver and gold. he’s got the taste for it now, the itch. he’s thinking about going back for another one. or two. but what else, what next? he cheekily wonders about picking based on what would drive cas wild. 

...dean goes back in secret a month and a half later to get his nips pierced. it doesn’t stay secret for long. not from cas, at least. 

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 5 “Drunken Fart Contest” [Episode List] After one of their usual nights out with their friends, Dave and another bud, Adam, end up being really drunk. Luckily, it was Tim’s turn to be the designated driver, so he’s perfectly able to drive. The two drunk friends, however, are really, really gassy…

Drunken Fart Contest

2:00 a.m. The party was getting out of control, as predicted. Almost everyone was completely drunk or confused. I heard some plates breaking in the kitchen: good thing this is not my house. Whose birthday was again? The music is still loud, playing through some speakers carefully placed in strategic locations of the room as some dizzy guests danced –or, more precisely, staggered to the rhythm of it.

Whatever was going to happen next, I didn’t really care: it was my turn to drive, so I was literally the only sane guy at the party. My pals asked me to take them out of there around 1:30 a.m., but since we were having fun, we lost the track of time. I eventually found both Dave -you know him, and Adam, another friend of mine, around my age as well. They probably had alcohol instead of blood in their veins by far.

“You’re such a cock-blocker!” Adam hissed at me, since I –according to him- ruined every chance with a girl he was hitting on. Too bad this girl passed out 15 minutes ago and my tipsy friend didn’t seem to notice at all. Oh well, it’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

Dave was definitely more collaborative: he had this silly smile drawn on his face, probably because he made out with some hot girl in the other room. His sweat-soaked shirt was partly unbuttoned too, so maybe he was heading second base without even noticing.

“Ok guys, here we go…”

We eventually reached my car, parked just outside the loud house. Some fellow guests were lying on the grass in the front-yard, either laughing or smoking: they were fine, some of them even said ‘hi’ to me as I walked past them. I opened the rear door of the car on and forced Adam to go inside, who muttered something about how I ruined everything with the woman of his dreams. He then tripped and fell in the car, lying on his stomach, looking more like a corpse.

“He’s dead…” Dave simply commented. Not very helpful.

Adam’s place was our first stop. Our houses weren’t really far away from each other, but I tend to drive slowly, especially during weekend nights, for obvious reasons. Adam, still lying on his belly, probably passed out. I checked on him via the rear-view mirror, unwillingly triggering my gay senses: all I could see was his grey skinny jeans sagging, exposing his black underwear, the latter hugging his surprisingly bubbly butt.

I ignored that vision and turned to Dave, my co-pilot and the guy in charge for the music. He was fine, better than my other friend, that’s for sure. We chatted a bit, as he noticed that I was tired, keeping me focused on the street. After a while, however, he chuckled and lowered the volume of the radio, almost setting it to mute.

“I think you’ll like this song more, listen…” he said, with his well-known smirk.

I knew what was going to happen. I was actually surprised that it was only happening now, considering that alcohol always made Dave really gassy. He spread his legs a bit, visibly pushing one out and glanced at me one last time before the “thunder” almost made me swerve.

The sound was loud, even though it was partially muffled by the (lucky) car seat. It was very dry-sounding and manly, almost like a long, enormous morning fart.

“Aw… come on…” Adam muttered, as Dave’s flatulence literally woke him up.

My gassy friend laughed as he leaned a bit. He was basically indirectly farting in my face, not even caring about the presence of our friend. I had to keep my eyes on the road, trying not to admire my friend’s denim-covered ass. The fart lasted around 14 seconds, one of his longest blasts I believe. It was followed by his friendly laughter as he gently patted my shoulder, as if he every time wanted to make sure that he was ok with me, my weird fetish and that I had nothing to worry about; and I always appreciate his gentle mannerisms, despite the rudeness of his manly rips.

The smell hit us all soon, especially because the windows were locked. Bad choice. It was already too disgusting even for me, a nose-killing stench mixed with the already awful aroma from our sweat-soaked shirts.

“You’re disgusting, Dave!” my other friend said from the back seat, trying not to laugh.

“Thanks, Ady! Glad you appreciated!”

Dave leaned a bit again and ripped another loud toot, lasting only a couple of seconds this time. Truly a proud farter, indeed. Adam clapped his hands sarcastically, laughing a bit.

“Sure… really impressive…” he said, still lying on his stomach.

A moment silence, then another fart begun, but it was not from Dave. Maybe it was the dizziness, the alcohol, but Adam started to rip one too. I checked again on him via the rear-mirror and I could see his bubbly butt erupting this extremely loud, high-pitched fart. It started kinda weak, only to become louder and manlier as seconds passed. Dave laughed, knowing that I was living both in a nightmare and in a beautiful dream at the same time, visibly amused by my weird situation. As the blast continued, Adam slowly wiggled his butt left and right, the tone of the fart changing a bit; he laughed as his 12-seconds rip started to fade into silence.

Now it was Dave the one clapping his hands. “Bravo!” he commented, as we all bursted into laughter. I didn’t know if it was because of my boner or the farts, but the car’s temperature seemed to raise a lot so I had no choice but to lower the car windows, also because the smell was getting too unbearable (yes, even for me). I felt the colder wind from outside brushing through my hair, my nostrils still sensing Dave and Adam’s farts.

Seconds passed, but the smell was, strangely enough, still there, all around my face. As I heard my friends’ laughing almost to tears, I understood why; I couldn’t hear it at first because of the sounds of the traffic, but they both started ripping one big fart at the same time the moment I rolled down the window; once I noticed it, I heard the sound too: it was insane, out of this world; two giant farts being ripped at unison. Dave pointed his index finger up as the farts continued, as if he was some kind of orchestra leader, and looked at me with a smirk, knowing that I was enjoying every moment of that gassy jam session.

I didn’t even know how much time passed this time, maybe 20 seconds. They laughed again, finally ending their unusual fart concert and complimented each other. I wish the trip lasted longer. I was ridiculously aroused. Was this a fart-contest? Because I’m pretty sure they’re both won.

Eventually, we arrived to Adam’s place; he was feeling better as he got up on his own, adjusted his hair a bit and patted his hands on our shoulders. “Thanks for the lift, cock-blocker!” he said, punching my shoulder in a friendly manner.

We made sure he got into his house safely and then headed to Dave’s. Only a couple of minutes later, I parked in front of his garage, both listening to some more music from the radio before ending the night-out. We kept chatting about the party, the host’s poor taste in music, but it was getting really late and the we didn’t want to wake up the entire neighbourhood.

“Alright, Tim. See ya tomorrow I guess…”

We bro-fisted, more than aware of how cheesy that was, and he opened the door.

“Oh, by the way…” again that smirk. “I am the fart master…”

He got out of the vehicle and closed the door behind him. Dave then squeezed his butt in loose jeans, almost sagging, through the car window a bit, and proceeded to rip yet another loud fart, this time just for me. I didn’t even time to react as I felt the warm gas engulfing the entire car, the smell becoming once again unbearable; it sounded like a loud chainsaw and lasted about 8 seconds.

My friend was just as surprised as me by the blast’s loudness and quickly got his butt out of my car, as some of the neighbours’ dogs started barking, hilariously annoyed by Dave’s fart.

“Oh my…” we both muttered, laughing.

I immediately started the car as my gassy friend rushed inside the house (this time he didn’t forget his house-keys). As I drove back to my house, I couldn’t help but smile the whole time: my best friends are gassy idiots; and that’s perfect. But Dave… well, he’s the best of all, farts or not. Whether the case, I really should plan a road-trip with him some day. And just thinking about that made my dick aroused again…

End of Episode 5

[yumgrapejuice]

An analysis on Ranboo’s lore playlist

okay y’all first of all, ranboo has a killer taste, i love him, and second, i couldn’t resist. i’m an analyst by nature. am i looking too deep into some things? did ranboo maybe choose some songs purely for the vibe? perhaps. do i care? no. let me have my fun.

I’m gonna drop my own analysis/interpretation based on these songs but feel free do use this yourself if you want!! And also feel free to disagree/correct me on anything!! I’m not a professional musical analyst lol and I did take some inspiration from already existing interpretations for the more lyrical songs.

here’s the playlist btw

“Introduction to the Snow”—introduction to the album. Fitting for the playlist’s beginning, seeing the tone. It’s mostly referencing (self-imposed) isolation.

“Dream Sweet in Sea Major”—this Miracle Music’s whole album is about dreams and reality, how they clash, loneliness and the wish to be close to someone, yet still remaining isolated. Very whimsical, metaphorical, melodic, and it has this vibe as if on the edge of consciousness. I’d say it fits quite well with c!Ranboo’s general vibe. This song in particular deals with sleepwalking(ha)/being in a dreamlike state, the line between what’s real and what’s not blurred.

“The Mind Electric”—oh this one fits Ranboo extremely well. First part is in reverse, the second in normal (mirroring), and it can get quite unsettling. Like you’re not sure what’s happening with the instrumentals, many different voices. Again, very metaphorical, but to put it shortly, the protagonist is being judged for a crime they’ve committed and, in their defence, they say: “Father, your honor, may I explain, my brain has claimed its glory over me; I’ve a good heart albeit insane”. They get “condemned to the infirmary” for that, where electric shock is used on them as a form of “therapy”. As a result, the protagonist loses grip on reality and themselves and truly does go insane. They beg for mercy and sympathy, but there’s no one to help them. “Someone help me; Understand what's going on inside my mind; Doctor I can't tell if I'm not me”—need I say more, really?

“Live and Let Die”—the phrase “live and let die” means to live your life how you wish and let others live how they wish without interfering. At first, you live by the phrase “live and let live”, meaning you have your ideals and you try to change the lives of others according to them, but as life progresses, you stop caring as much/try to distance yourself from others’ business.

“Turn the Lights Off”—dreams and nightmares. Mildly foreboding yet energetic. The actual meaning is about growing up (transition from childhood to adulthood), but we can take some other interpretations that’d fit with Ranboo’s character better. This Tally Hall’s album deals with differences, black and white, and how there shouldn’t be a divide between them. In this song, there are some noteworthy lines that I’d like to mention:

- “Bend the nightmare, you control it; Artful dodger, easy does it”—lucid dreaming, you have to be careful with it so as to not lose control.

- “Shut the closet, get under the covers”—you’re afraid of something and instead of facing it and seeing whether there even is something to be afraid of, you hide.

- “Turn the lights off”—confront your fears. It can also mean that in the dark, there’s no differences between people, going back to the album’s meaning.

- “And everybody wants to get evil tonight; But all good devils masquerade under the light”—this could mean that everyone has a darker part of themselves but those who actually indulge in their dark tendencies do so in plain sight by pretending to be someone else.

“Ruler of Everything”—the main theme here is time and how it’s the “ruler of everything”; time doesn’t matter about where it goes, and it will never stop. The second verse is most interesting to me—there are two singers, man and time, but for the sake of interpretation let’s just see it as two voices. One is obsessed about being liked, fitting in, constantly asking for reaffirmation (“Do you like how I walk? Do you like how I talk?”), while the second criticizes the first (“You practice your mannerisms into the wall”). They argue—”I’ve been you, I know you, your facade is scam; You know you’re making me cry, this is the way that I am”. The second is calling out the first for not being honest to himself. Tone is lighthearted but with an edge of unease.

“Merry-Go-Round of Life”—from Howl’s Moving Castle soundtrack. The title’s self-explanatory, I’d say.

“Killer Queen”—this one’s a harder one to interpret in regards to Ranboo lol. The song is about, based on an interview with Mercury, a high class woman that likes to indulge in her various desires (mostly sexual). I would doubt that’s what Ranboo was going for, so! Perhaps about a person that has no regards for their reputation and instead does whatever they feel like it? They have a certain image but still act however they like. Yeah, not too sure about this one :’) But that’s what I’ll go with for my later analysis.

“Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked”—quite straightforward. A person that performs bad deeds has reasons for them. Not excuses, but explanations, and you can sympathize with it. We all do “bad” things for one reason or the other, and, in the end, we’re all just trying to get by. Once again, plays into the theme of there not being a clear distinction between good and bad.

“The Bidding”—another harder one to interpret. On the surface, it’s about an auction where men are trying to sell themselves to women. They all present themselves in different images, and it’s remarked that the women care less about the date and more about the prospect of it, the pretty words. The date, actually, ends up being disappointing. Could be about expectations. Some men outright admit they’re assholes so whoever chooses them should know that. People can tell you what their intentions are from the start so if you end up hurt, you have no one else to blame but yourself.

“A Mask of My Own Face”—another interesting one! Unusual instruments, strong beat. They’re singing about how they have a desire to pretend to be someone else while secretly still being themselves. “I’d rob my own apartment and I wouldn’t give a damn; I’d blame it on the person that nobody knows I am”—implying they have no regard for their own livelihood and are just out to have some fun. Plus, that no one would be aware it’s all an act. “I'd wear it on Thanksgiving and I'd laugh in the parade; At all the people hissing, knowing I'm the one they hate”—they take delight in the idea of upsetting others and them not knowing it’s actually the singer that they should be hissing. “And at the big finale I would tear my face away; And smile as they grip their own and try to do the same”—everyone wears masks, and this person implies that their mask and their true self is not different from each other while others’ are.

“Stardust Crusaders”—soundtrack from Jojo. Action-packed? idk never seen it sorry lol

“I Can’t Decide”—oh, this one’s a doozy! One of the ones that do not fit c!Ranboo at all, but that’s what makes it interesting. A classic, the singer is out to have fun, very lighthearted and yet they’re singing about murder. The protagonist here is clearly mentally unwell and they’re indecisive whether they should let their enemy/toy/(up to interpretation) live or not. Some curious lines:

- “It’s not easy having yourself a good time”—in the context of the song, that “good time” implies something wicked.

- “I’m not a gangster tonight, don’t wanna be the bad guy, I’m just a loner, baby, and now you’ve got in my way”—they don’t view themselves as “bad”, however, the next two lines are paradoxal—the singer says they’re alone and yet decide to “mess around” with whoever comes up in their life.

- “No wonder why my heart feels dead inside, it’s hard and cold and petrified”—signifying lack of empathy.

- “It’s a bitch convincing people to like you”—they don’t actually want to do that and see it as a bother.

“Stranded Lullaby”—back to Miracle Musical, back to the theme of isolation. Super lyrical, super musical. They talk about how their memories float around aimlessly in their head, a sea, and may sometimes get lost. The protagonist, a sailor, is losing touch with reality and can’t tell apart what’s a dream anymore and what’s not. They question what they’re going through and why.

“Hidden In The Sand”—a song about longing, in my eyes. The protagonist sings about how “you” love things and how he wishes to love the same things, in the end admitting that “all I’ve wanted was you”. They don’t wish to be separated, they wish to have someone in their life that they could love.

“Now I’m Here”—euphoric. They sing about how they’re alive again, thanks to one specific person. I’m not gonna go too much into this one (partly because it’s a more difficult one for me again, partly because it’s Queen and I don’t wanna uhh talk nonsense on accident lol), but what I got from it is that when one one else saw them, someone did, and they made them “live again”, and now as a result the protagonist is devoted to them.

“&”—really highlights Tally Hall’s album’s theme of black and white and that there shouldn’t be a divide. The repetition of comparing opposites is present throughout the entire song (Weak & Strong & Wet & Dry…) and it’s heavily implied we should “say goodnight” to this mindset. But people love to choose sides, put things into good or bad categories. By the line “They took a lesson from their fathers” it’s implied that people don’t develop this mindset by themselves and are rather influenced by others around them. The whole album is titled “Good & Evil” and Tally Hall examines and criticizes this idea. If we keep dividing people into good and bad, eventually, we’ll all destroy ourselves.

“I’m Gonna Win”—a song about someone who’s struggling to get by. “Sometimes it can seem like a merciless dream”—life can get really hard and the protagonist wonders “what’s really worthwhile”. In the chorus, whoever, they declare that they’re “gonna win” no matter what. They might get “bloody and bruised” but they won’t give up until they “won’t be abused” and until they’re “laughing alone”. No matter how hard life/others kick them down, they’ll keep going. By the lines “It’s hard to be charming and smart and disarming; It’s hard to pretend you’re the best; It’s hard to fulfill everyone’s expectations; It’s hard to keep up with the rest” it’s implied that they find it tiresome to keep up appearances and be liked. It’s challenging to always fit everyone’s expectations, but they’ll continue doing whatever they have to to “win”.

if ranboo ever adds more songs to his playlist, i may add them here too :) 

[spectrumed]

1. piano

The brain is a musical instrument. How it sounds all depends on who is playing it. The keys, the strings, the tubes, the circuits, none of them make noise on their own. Some may argue (some very aggressively) that every instrument has one exact way that it should be played. That there is one correct way to play the piano, and then there’s several incorrect (deviant!) ways to play the piano. But a classically trained pianist will not play the piano in quite the same way as a self-taught jazz pianist will play the piano. Sure, the latter does employ some stylings unique to them. They have an idiosyncratic way of playing that makes their sound highly notable, possibly even sought after. While the former, the classically trained musician, they’ve been taught to minimise many of those quirky individual traits that could, potentially, distract from the classical compositions that they will be playing. In jazz, music is carried by unique characters and a strong sense of individualism. In classical, music is carried by tradition, norm, and history.

It should not be understood that the classically trained musician plays without soul or passion. While we, in the western world, have become more and more infatuated with the idea of the self-made artist, the amateur who makes their way to success and stardom solely through will, and quite often a manic compulsion to create, there is no wrong way to play an instrument. However you make it work, whatever sounds you are able to produce, you are playing that instrument. You are channeling your inner essence into the music you are performing, no matter what genre you belong to. No-one plays their instrument the exact same way, for certain, but everyone is playing with what they’ve got.

How do you think? You’re used to being asked “what do you think?” But how do you think? Do you see pictures in your head? Do you experience an inner monologue? Are you riddled with anxiety? Have you ever hallucinated? Do you think that you think good, or do you think that you think bad? If we return to our metaphor of the brain as a musical instrument, what sort of music do you think you’d play? Sure, there’s the classical world, and the jazz world, but of course, that’s hardly the music most people will listen to nowadays. Do you think in pop songs? Or do you think in big heavy metal epics? Or maybe what you are is a maniac for dance music. You may find like-minded friends who like the same kind of music as you do. I think that there is a correlation between what music we like and how we perceive the world. Does listening to a certain song send you back? Does a certain tune evoke memories that you may have thought were long since gone? I know that there are some folks out there who say that they do not care much for music, and while I don’t doubt that they absolutely do feel that way, I can personally not imagine where I’d be without my trusty set of headphones and my phone loaded up with a wide library of music I like. It seems to me that music is primal. Almost as if only by understanding music, can one come to understand consciousness. To nab a song title from Jethro Tull (the band, not the agriculturalist,) life is a long song.

But I do admit that I come from a biased perspective. Music means much to me. I’m no musician, but I think that partly stems from a desire to not see “how the sausage is made.” I’d like to be able to listen to a composition without feeling compelled to analyse it, or to study it. I’d rather eat the sausage without having to wonder what bits of the animals this meat came from. Is that the taste of a spleen or a testicle? There are plenty of other things in life to dissect and tear apart just to examine. Perhaps what I wish is to maintain an arcane approach to music. Perhaps I am too enamoured by the idea of the musician as a mystic able to tap into an elevated state of being, some spiritual realm divorced from our own. That look on the guitarist’s face when they successfully manages to convey just the right emotional tone perfectly with that solo. The frisson you feel when the song reaches its climax. That thing we call the sublime. To explain it, well, it simply feels like you are making something splendid mundane. It seems to rob it of its power. Or… Well, maybe that’s not it all. Maybe all I want is just a moment or two when I can relax and avoid thinking about things. For a moment, I’d just like to forget that I’m a person.

The world is so loud. Really, I can guarantee you that if you didn’t have those natural mental filters that we all have, you’d go insane. Every little sound. Every little bit of stimuli. It would all overwhelm you. It would burrow deep into your consciousness, and it would refuse to leave. Ever tried to fall asleep while hearing the dripping water from a leaky tap? Drip, drip, drip. Know how impossible that feels? Well, imagine if you had that feeling always, imagine if all noise felt that visceral and in-your-face. Lucky you’ve got those filters. Turns out, not everyone has them. I don’t. It fucking sucks.

Music is lovely, because music is organised. It has structure. You can listen to a song, remember it, and then follow along as you’re listening to it a second time. Music follows a pattern. There is a logic to patterns. But the everyday noises that surround us do not follow a pattern. Let me tell you, birds are infuriating animals. Sure, their individual little songs can be nice to listen to, but when all the birds of the forest come together, they don’t perform as an orchestra. No, they’re all just doing their own solo piece, completely oblivious to the sounds going on around them. I’m thinking that nature could have done well with a conductor. Someone competent to create order. To make it all just that bit more peaceful. I don’t have those filters others take for granted. I can’t ignore sounds. And that makes the world feel so loud.

It is neat to imagine the human brain as a musical instrument. You can imagine that seasoned player, that old session stalwart who’s played on all the most famous pop hits throughout the decades, and you want to imagine them playing with grace and finesse and showcasing all the amazing sounds that the instrument can produce. But the brain isn’t really some marvel of biological engineering. It’s not intelligently designed. It’s actually just a piece of meat hiding underneath layers of bone, skin, and hair. It’s a complex bit of meat, admittedly. It’s hard to understand exactly how the brain does work. But if you were to open up a person’s cranium, rather than feeling awe, you’d most likely feel grossed out. This thing that we’re supposed to think of as a miraculous product of millennia of evolutionary progress, it looks… Well, it looks awfully pinkish, and wrinkly, and frankly unpleasant.

We’re all mortal beings, made from squishy flesh and blood, scraped together from all that was available at the time. Sure, we may dream and fantasise about one day achieving those heights we aspire towards, to become that perfect superman, whose cognitive abilities put them on par with the mythological titans of the past. But really, we’re all just trying to do our best with what we’ve got. You may not be able to play the finest of Mozart’s many symphonies, the instrument that you’ve been given just simply isn’t up to snuff. Even if all you can play is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, that shouldn’t weigh on your value as a human being. And besides, that’s still Mozart you’re playing.

I will undoubtedly get back to discussing music in later instalments of this blog. It is truly a major part of my world, and without the joys I associate with it, I would be in a far worse place. But I think that, ultimately, what I wish to arrive at, is the fact that our sensory perceptions have a significant impact on how we piece together our sense of self. While it may be an unnerving thought to consider, what would happen to our understanding of ourselves if we one day were to lose one of our major senses? I am sure that many people could go without their sense of smell. Humans have long since abandoned smell as a dominant sense. To a dog, on the other hand, to lose its sense of smell would be devastating. It would lose part of what it means to be a dog. For humans, we enjoy the scent of freshly baked bread, the whiff of somebody’s perfume, or the bouquet of some pricey bottle of wine. But that’s nothing to what dogs get out of their sense of smell. To a dog, its sense of smell is its world. Is a dog even a dog if it can’t sniff around? Do you think dogs ever take their sense of smell for granted?

I do not think that humans are what we eat, but I suspect that we may be what we perceive. Our consciousness does not exist independently of the world that surrounds it, but rather, it is formed by the outside stimuli it receives on a constant basis. The fury of noises, lights, smells, all kinds of impressions, it shapes you. It is what our memories are built on. I am not at all certain that there exists anything more to the mind beyond that. I doubt that we’ve got some immutable soul hidden underneath it all. Humans are the collection of thoughts and ideas that we’ve attached ourselves to throughout our lives, and naturally, if you’re neurodivergent, that process is going to happen differently to most. At times those differences will be large enough that it can create real conflicts with those others around you. Effectively, to be neurodivergent is to suffer constantly from culture shocks. To me, it is natural to loathe the cacophony of birds in the summer. Their screams feel like piercing needles embedding themselves into my skin. But I try telling that to others, and I’ve yet to find anybody who agrees with me.

So, am I just wrong? Am I mistaken? Am I a freak? Why can’t I just be like everybody else? Why must I be such a buzzkill? I can’t even enjoy birdsong, I really must be a pain to be around. How did it come about that I just can’t be normal? Normal. I want to be normal. It is and it will likely always be grossly underrated to just be normal. Normal people don’t know how good they have it. They’re just too normal to be able to perceive it. When you’ve never been without it, you don’t know what it is to miss it. Normalcy. Having a normal brain. Having others see you as a normal person. Only if you didn’t have it, would you know how great it is. Do you sometimes wonder if dogs know how much they’d miss their sense of smell if they ever were to lose it?

Then again, there is no such thing as normal, is there? If you were to take the world’s most average person, then that person would be abnormal. To be a person is to be unique. We’re all special snowflakes. Aren’t we?

You may not play your instrument in a conventional manner, but who’s to say what manner counts as conventional? It’s all just so arbitrary. Who’s to say you can’t play an acoustic guitar as a drum? Who’s to say you can’t treat your piano as a percussion instrument? Smack your cello with a flute, if you’d like. Isn’t it just delightful when you see a unique performer who is able to play their instrument in a way you could never before have conceived it being played? The novelty of it all. The absolute joy of being exposed to something different. Of seeing something that can barely be believed. You love things that are unusual, and you think people who are different should delight in being different. Surely, it is better than being normal and boring?

But is it all that bad to be boring? And you may love what’s different, but when it comes down to it, despite your positive inclination, you still perceive it as being the other. It is not you. It is not mainstream, it is underground. Secluded. Deviant. Those who truly do struggle to fit in with society, to be just like everybody else, they are constantly faced with these little reminders that they just don’t belong. They are humans (at least they think they are humans,) but they’re not like other humans they know. For as much as they get told that they should embrace their quirky nature as simply being who they are, it is hard to know what it is like to be not normal, when all you’ve ever been is normal. Sure, for a performance or two, it’s fun. It’s fun to get the attention, to be seen as having something others don’t have. But then, at the end of the day, all you want is to be able to fall asleep, without the birdsong outside your window keeping you awake.

[emoselenas]

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could. 

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration. 

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid. 

then... the following week came. 

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of. 

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah. 

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.” 

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.  

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic. 

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried. 

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal. 

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.  

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs. 

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH.  i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am 

-watching so. much. anime. 

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals 

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green 

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

[thesoundofnat]

Five Times Adam Made Ronan Laugh

Adam/Ronan

A/N: The title says it all. More of a pre-slash fic than anything. I hope you enjoy it!

[Read it on AO3]

Words: 1 680

1.

Adam hadn’t meant for it to come out as sarcastic as it did. He’d aimed for a playful comment to hide a deeper bitterness, but what had left his mouth had been anything but lighthearted, and for a moment he feared that someone would either get pissed at him, or ask him if he was okay. He didn’t want either of those things to happen.

How it ended up with Ronan laughing - genuinely laughing for the first time in weeks - he wasn’t sure. But that was what was happening.

And.

Holy shit.

That laugh was magical.

Adam wasn’t prone on gaping at people like a fool, and thankfully he managed to get control of his features before it became too obvious, but Ronan was still laughing, so it was hard keeping it cool.

Seriously, it hadn’t been that funny.

Gansey also seemed amused at Ronan practically doubling over and clutching his stomach, but Adam assumed that slightly fond smile was present due to him having been friends with the old Ronan. A different Ronan. One that grinned and laughed freely and joked around with his friends and family and didn’t look like he wanted to murder you 95% of the time. A less broken Ronan.

Adam felt like he was finally seeing a glimpse of that Ronan, there on the floor of Monmouth Manufacturing. He had to admit he liked him.

What he didn’t like was the knowing look Noah was throwing his way. How did he always know?

2.

Three weeks later and Adam had, somehow, forgotten all about the incident. They were in Ronan’s car, Adam in the passenger seat of course. They had about fifteen more minutes until they were at Adam’s apartment, and the silence would’ve maybe been awkward had Ronan not been drowning it out completely with his shitty music. Adam only kept his complaints to a minimum since he was giving him a ride.

But that didn’t stop him from scowling at particularly bad songs.

“Cheer up, Parrish,” Ronan told him after he’d caught sight of his dismay. “You’d think I’ve run over your cat or something.”

“You might as well have.”

Ronan shot him a look. “Oh?”

Adam pointed to the radio. “That sounds like a dying cat, Lynch.”

And rather than rolling his eyes or scoffing or even snapping at him, Ronan laughed.

Again.

It was definitely different from the last time Adam had made him laugh. It was calmer, for one. Barely doing more than making his body shake a little bit. He didn’t lose control of the car or throw his head back or clutch at his midriff. He just barked out a laugh or two, his lips not wider than a smile, and then returned his attention to the road.

It kept ringing in Adam’s ears for the rest of the night.

3.

It was silly how Adam could forget about a literal giggle fit and yet not be able to let go of a few seconds of laughter, but that was his current predicament, and it was driving him insane.

Whenever he looked at Ronan all he could think about was how the smooth skin on his face had been decorated with laughter lines, even if it had lasted so shortly. Maybe that was the reason he was obsessed. He’d only gotten a brief taste of it and now needed more.

God, he might be obsessed with Ronan’s laughter. Or at least with the idea of it. Neither option made his life easier.

Ronan was in a bad mood, but something told Adam this was more sorrow than anger. Nothing had set him off, and by this point Adam had learnt that Ronan’s default mode wasn’t rage, per se, but something else. Something that transformed into anger when provoked (which it often was).

He knew he should leave his friend alone. He knew from experience that he had absolutely no idea how to handle Ronan. He was no Gansey, and he was utterly aware of it.

But he couldn’t let him be. Not when he saw something so vulnerable on his face when he thought no one was looking.

He approached him slowly, knowing better than to straight out ask him what was wrong. There was no way Ronan would tell, and he would just be wasting time and scaring him off. It would help absolutely no one.

Ronan raised an eyebrow when he sat down beside him. They were all at Monmouth Manufacturing, but they might as well have been alone since everyone was sitting on their own, desperate for some calm and privacy after a hectic day. Adam was aware of the fact that Ronan might not want him here, but it was worth a try anyway. “Lynch.”

“Parrish,” Ronan replied, his voice steady, but his gaze questioning. “Didn’t know you preferred the floor to the couch.”

Adam waved a hand at him. “Gansey’s weirdly obsessed with me. He keeps leaning against me and it’s getting annoying.”

“Hey.” Gansey furrowed his brows at him, but relaxed when he realized he’d been joking. “Ronan’s rubbing off on you too much, Adam.”

Ronan snorted, but the smile he shot him wasn’t exactly genuine. “Just doing what I can. If anyone needs toughening up, it’s Parrish.”

“You know what? I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”

Ronan raised his hands. “As you should.”

“Because why would I believe that Ronan Lynch would say something mean to me? I mean, have you met him? Ronan Lynch is a sweetheart.”

Ronan almost looked angry now, and Adam was afraid he’d crossed a line, but then, just as he thought Ronan would either get up and leave or reach out to hit him, he laughed. For a second. A beautiful second.

And then he punched Adam on the shoulder, though not hard. “You’re so annoying, Parrish.”

Adam grinned. “You are rubbing off on me.”

4.

“Do you think we’re gonna make it out alive?”

Ronan looked at him, his face completely blank. “From here?”

“From this whole thing,” Adam clarified. “I don’t know. I just have a feeling one of us is gonna die before we’re done with Glendower and Cabeswater. Or at least lose a limb.”

Ronan shifted where he was standing beside him. They were waiting for Gansey to finish getting the right equipment before entering the woods of Cabeswater for the umpteenth time, and Adam had had a bad feeling about everything all week. He didn’t want Gansey or Blue or Noah to know about his worries, but something about Ronan made him want to confess everything he kept in his heart, though he wasn’t sure why.

“I think we’re gonna be okay,” Ronan finally said.

“Do you really believe that or just saying it to make me feel better?”

“When do I ever say things just to make people feel better?”

Adam barked out a laugh. The first laugh he’d uttered all week. Maybe Ronan wasn’t the only one who needed to laugh more. “True.”

Ronan was wearing something slightly weaker than a smile now. “But seriously, Adam. I think we’re gonna be fine.”

Adam. Not Parrish. Somehow that small detail made him believe him.

“Now stop getting cold feet and get yourself together.”

Adam laughed again, harder this time, because he knew Ronan had added that to bring some normalcy into this entire thing, and it was working. “You’re a real charmer, you know. So comforting.”

And Ronan laughed right with him, and the others were very confused when they joined them a few seconds later.

5.

Adam wasn’t an affectionate person, and mind you neither was Ronan, so why they both seemed so okay with Adam having accidentally brushed his hand over his arm was beyond him, but he reckoned he should just be happy Ronan didn’t glare him to death. Instead, he’d done nothing, and Adam had gotten curious, and thankfully the others were way too preoccupied to notice the little game Adam had created. He wasn’t entirely sure how he would’ve explained it.

He was very casual about it; not really wanting Ronan to catch on. But with every seemingly accidental nudge, every brush of his fingers against a random body part, every knee against a knee left Ronan looking at him in a way Adam couldn’t fully interpret, and he was just thinking that maybe it was time to stop when a misplaced touch made Ronan recoil, and it had caught his attention too tightly for him to let it go. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“You jumped.”

“You make no sense, Parrish.”

Adam narrowed his eyes at him. “Are you ticklish, Ronan Lynch?”

“Fuck off, you- go away!”

Adam had partly been kidding when he’d said it, but Ronan’s reaction to him reaching out was too great for him to have been wrong, and Adam found himself grinning almost smugly at him. “Well, this is interesting.”

“I am literally going to kill you. Pick a spot to be buried, Parrish.”

“Does Cabeswater count?”

“You goddamn nerd- stop it!”

Ronan was smiling almost helplessly whenever Adam moved closer, and Adam had to admit he adored it. Adored the foreshadow of laughter.

But it was nothing compared to the actual laughter.

Adam had barely touched him, and yet Ronan was now giggling like a maniac. Adam knew he wouldn’t have done it had the others been around, but right now they were alone, and a new side of Ronan appeared to greet Adam, albeit for just a moment.

When Ronan backed away from his hands Adam decided to drop it, though he was still smiling, and Ronan failed at his attempt to glare, so he just shook his head with a smile of his own that he was trying to desperately to conceal.

“Let me guess,” Adam said cheerfully. “You think I’m annoying.”

Ronan barked out a laugh that had probably still been bubbling in his throat from earlier. “You read my mind.”

“You have to admit I’m a little fun to be around, at least.”

“Keep dreaming, Adam.”

Adam. Not Parrish.

[gyrlversion]

We Tried The Celebrity Spin Class That Americans Are Obsessed With

Hey, I’m Josie and I love spinning. I go twice a week most weeks. I love it so much that when I heard that SoulCycle, the cult American spin studio, was coming to the UK, I dragged my colleagues along for the ride. Literally.

From a spin snob, to a complete gym newbie, these are our thoughts…

Ben:

Spin classes completed: 0.

As someone who has never been to a gym class in their life, I was a little nervous and a bit skeptical about trying a spin class.

Sam:

Spin classes completed: 1 or 2.

I’ve done spinning a couple of times, and while it’s tiring it doesn’t kill you afterwards, which is ideal.

Hanifah:

Spin classes completed: 10+

I used to regularly attend the gym and spin classes, but I’ve recently taken a bit of a break.

Remee:

Spin classes completed: 30+

I’ve been to a fair amount of spin classes, so I know the general deal (still can’t get on the bloody bike though).

Josie:

Spin classes completed: 70+

I’m a spin snob — I know what I like when it comes to a spin class.

Hanifah: I’ve heard soooo much about SoulCycle. I’d heard that Beyoncé apparently goes, so it’s obviously supreme. I was really really excited to go and do a workout fit for Queen B! I didn’t expect it to be anything like the other spin classes I’ve been to before.

Sam: I try to attend the gym at least three times a week, but I don’t often do classes as I fear human contact and like to keep my head down when exercising. I think I’ve heard of SoulCycle being mentioned before, but before going I didn’t have any opinion on it. I’d heard it was boujie, but I was still going to show up to class in my holey trainers.

Remee: I know SoulCycle is the OG spin class, and although I’ve been to some spin classes in New York, I’d never gone to SC. I know it’s a big hit among celebrities, so I was intrigued to see if it was any more special that the others I’d been to.

Josie: I feel like anyone who has gone spinning before has heard of SoulCycle. I’d heard people utter its name as if it was the holy grail of static bicycle riding. So when I heard a studio was opening in the UK, I knew I had to try it out. I usually go to a Psycle studio as I handily have one down the road from my house and I’d heard they were basically the same thing, so I didn’t feel nervous, more intrigued about where I would see the differences and whether my loyalty to Psycle would be shaken…

Ben: Like I said, I was a bit nervous and skeptical at first, but after a few minutes I was really into it. The music got me pumped and the low-lit room really added to the atmosphere as well as not making me feel self conscious. But I’m not going to lie, the inspirational quotes and mindfulness just aren’t really my thing. If you’re into that stuff it’s cool but it’s just not for me. The playlist was great — our instructor, Josh, had a good mix of bangers and high tempo songs in there which really got me into the mood.

Hanifah: The class was great, but if I’m honest, there wasn’t too much that was uniquely SoulCycle. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love it though – I was a big fan of the candle shrine – it gave it a calming vibe. I really liked the instructor, he was motivational without being obnoxious. I appreciated the fact that he encouraged everyone to go at their own pace, because I know that these classes can get competitive at times. I loved his music – he started off with Beyoncé’s “Countdown,” and when that began I knew I’d gone to the right class.

Sam: I thought Josh was good at reminding us we didn’t need to keep up, which I needed to hear as I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to (which tbf was partly true). The room was insanely warm, and I’m NGL, it would have more pleasant in a cooler environment. I could do without all the motivational speeches, but I liked the fake candles. Music was great – a real mix of pop and indie remixes. I didn’t see any real difference between SC or doing a cycle sesh at my gym though.

Remee: The class was really good! High energy, and the instructor was super friendly and motivating. I liked the candles too, I usually go to Psycle, and they could do with some candlelight! Music was a great mix, he definitely had something for everyone. I would say though, if you’ve never done spin before, it might be a bit hard to follow and there wasn’t any effort put in to get people on the right leg and on the right beat like spin classes normally do. Maybe this is because SoulCycle’s whole mantra is a “do it at your own pace” kind of thing, but come on, for 24 quid per class, you want to know you’re doing the workout right, right??

BuzzFeed

I whip my hair back and forth.

Josie: I love Psycle because I always come out feeling really positive and on a bit of a natural high. I’ve managed to narrow down the list of instructors to the ones that I like and I’ll always try to book classes with. I know that they will play the music I want and that I’ll come out feeling on top of the freaking world. SoulCycle gave me the same good vibes. The music was great with the soundtrack flitting between Ariana Grande, Beyoncé and Temper Trap, and the crowd was clearly feeling it. Josh was the right side of motivational without being overly cheesy. The seats of the bikes were also the comfiest spinning seats that I’ve sat on too which was a huge bonus. I did kind of miss the disco lights of Psycle, and while my colleagues all loved the candles schtick, I only found out after the class that they weren’t real flames so spent most of it imagining us all dying in a spin-related inferno which put a bit of a dampener on my mood.

Remee: This is probably the boujiest boutique gym I’ve ever been to. The space is pretty bright and clean and it definitely looks fancy. There was even facial oil on offer in the ladies changing rooms! And I never ever thought I could be impressed by a water machine, but oh my god, it was seven times filtered and it was DELICIOUS! WATER WAS DELICIOUS! The changing rooms however, were far too small. As someone who has been to spin before, I wasn’t nervous, but when loads of people started showing up the changing rooms got really hectic and started making me a bit anxious. Also, what’s the point of having three types of moisturiser if you can’t even get to it because there are 14 bare bums in the way? It was legitimately stressful being in there.

Ben: I really enjoyed the changing rooms, (I feel like the male ones must have been less busy). I literally used every product in there and they all smelt amazing. I left feeling refreshed and smelling great, which was a real feat considering how much I had been sweating during the class.

Hanifah: Going into the changing room, I noticed that it was very luxurious, but I didn’t really feel comfortable because it was so so packed! After the class I used all the products in the shower, and I felt the opulence. I would’ve loved to spend more time in there but I couldn’t get a seat, so I really just wanted to get out of there.

Sam: I was excited about all the stuff that you get given as part of signing up – towels, shoes, water. What can I say? I’m easy to please.

Josie: SoulCycle is premium. The white and yellow colour scheme feels super LA and sets you up for feeling like this is going to be a really positive experience. One negative about the whole thing was definitely the changing room situation. They were too small for the amount of people that were constantly milling in and out so while there are great facilities, you can barely reach any of them and feel like you’re taking up too much space most of the time. I would definitely recommend turning up in your gear so you don’t have to battle people before and after your class. Other than that the whole place is pretty swish. I mean, Le Labo shower gel?! Drunk Elephant moisturiser?! Dyson hairdryers?! How much money did they spend on this!

Ben: I’ve never sweated so much in my life but I feel strong AF! SoulCycle may have just converted me to spinning.

Sam: It was cute for a taste, but not for a swallow.

Remee: The class was energetic and fun, but the space is just far too small and crowded to enjoy the full experience. If it were bigger it would be great for a workout when you feel like you want to pamper yourself a bit too. You’re paying a premium to have a great workout BUT to have the best facilities, so if you don’t get to use them, it doesn’t feel worth the money.

Josie: I enjoyed the experience but I’m Psycle loyal for now.

Hanifah: Overall, I really liked it – I felt like I got a great workout and a mindful experience all rolled into one. I’d say it does live up to the hype – it’s pretty glam, I just wish it wasn’t so packed.

Services were provided by SoulCycle London to BuzzFeed free of charge, but we were under no obligation to be positive in our coverage. You can book a class at SoulCycle or find out more, here.

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