#dean can have a little gender euphoria as a treat
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treacherousrift · 1 year ago
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Do you have any trans Sam hc? Especially when he was goring up between motels with his brother and dad
I assume you meant growing up and yes. This is like everything I talk about all the time constantly thinking about it.
WARNING: this is SO very long. And it’s also all transmasc or Nonbinary headcanons (I can build off transfem headcanons later if we’re really that invested)
I’m gonna do point form like I always do, again this is not in any way a generalized experience of being trans, this is just from my trans perspective. Which is to say I am definitely projecting a little bit.
This is also definitely not ALL of the headcanons, I could say more if you want me to build off something specific let me know!
-my first headcanon is that John gave Dean a buzzcut because he didn’t want to give them haircuts or pay for haircuts, and it’s kinda also related to that authority thing?
But my headcanon here is that Sam saw deans buzzcut and didn’t understand that Dean hated it and the buzzcut is like bad, all he understood was that it was a “boy” haircut and he wanted it. So he begs John to give him the haircut as well and then John tells him no (BOOO) because he’s a girl (BOOO) and then Dean secretly gives Sam a buzzcut without John knowing. I don’t want to talk about the aftermath of this one don’t ask me.
-so yes Sam starts thrifting clothes to get them cheap and to find clothes that were boyish, not that clothes are gendered he just prefers to dress this way for himself but he experiments in crop tops and dresses as well.
But before he thrifted clothes or would literally be donated clothes by his classmates because parents started to notice how they didn’t have money. Dean would give Sam the clothes he couldn’t fit into anymore, and the kids would bully him but he’d secretly be super cool with it because it gave him a lot of gender euphoria. However he grew to have his own sense of style in high school when he started to rebel against Dean (emo phase???)
-he told all his friends in highschool to refer to him with he/him pronouns, but not in front of dean (he was just overall afraid of coming out to family in general nothing personal against Dean and he didn’t want to have a whole conversation about it), and then he realized that he liked those pronouns and maybe also other pronouns too since pronouns are not confined to gender. And he really finds his group of friends in college and even joins a GSA.
-I like Nonbinary Sam or genderfluid Sam headcanons a lot. I think that Sam def could be like “gender is stupid” and realized he was Nonbinary after taking a gender studies class and after extensive research when he was younger but the gender studies class really woke him up since the professor told him that stereotypes are a myth. And he was like “oh so I can be Nonbinary and still do [insert thing]”
-Dean bought him his first chest binder last year of highschool / alternatively Dean found his chest binder and he comes out to Dean and Dean is very accepting
And or Sam transitions in college. Medically or socially, whatever you feel.
-Bobby treating Sam as his son when Sam lets slip that he feels more like a boy, and Bobby thinks that means he feels like a tomboy.
So for most of his life he’s called a tomboy, but he just really wants to be a boy, but also has this experience with gender roles that is complicated because men in hunters communities have a toxic idea of masculinity so maybe Bobby is like “real men shoot deer” or something but it’s not specifically in reference to Sam it’s just something he says (that’s wrong).
so Sam tries to decipher this idea of masculinity in his head because 1. He’s a boy, he wants so badly to be seen as a boy by others and 2. He does NOT want to shoot deer because deer are cute.
So then he starts to unpack these themes of masculinity specifically in hunting communities but also toxic masculinity passed down by his dad to his brother Dean and then to him. And he tries to break that chain of toxic masculinity.
-you could theorize that Sam came out as transmasc to Dean early on and that scene with the “girl toy” that Dean accidentally got him for Christmas was well meaning. Idk how to build off of this one. Like Dean supports him and is scared of hurting him and others hurting him because of who he is????
Ahh I could say much more but ahhh I’ll leave it at this
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violenceenthusiast · 4 years ago
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ok i had a thought that makes me wanna dip my head in acid but in a soft way...
dean and claire having a father/daughter saturday of fun and low-grade mischief, going to an arcade and joke-fighting over what stuffed animal to get with their tickets and getting slushies and while they’re taking a break to grab burgers claire says “yknow i’ve been meaning to go get- wanna come with me while i get a new piercing??”
and dean pinches in the direction of her ear a little and says “what, you don’t have enough of those already?” as if he doesn’t think they’re the coolest thing.
she waves him off, eyes flicking between the burger in her hands and the table “i don’t know i just thought it’d be something else fun to do today.”
dean’s only half teasing when he asks “you want me there to hold your hand?”
claire rolls her eyes and looks to the side with half a smile, “oh shut up.” but it’s true, she does want him there to hold her hand– she may be a hardcore hunter who will take a knife cut or a monster bite in stride, but she always gets a little nervous before each piercing. maybe having dean there will make it just a little more manageable.
––
they get to the studio and claire signs the forms, picks out her jewelry, takes a seat to wait while they get ready for her. dean is pacing, looking carefully in each case, at each display. the nice person behind the counter sees him looking and asks “did you want to get something pierced today too?” claire cracks a smile at that and dean looks up at the counter clerk a little wide-eyed, eyebrows raised and mouth half open in surprise, huffs out a breath and looks down as half a nervous smile pulls at the left side of his mouth. he sticks one hand in his pocket and gives one wave with the other as he says “ha. nah, no- just here for her today” as he gestures at claire. he goes to sit with her until the piercer calls them back to the room that’s set up for them.
claire is getting a conch piercing and it’s going more easily than usual- partly because dean is there with her, partly because there are shockingly few nerve endings in the middle of the ear cartilage, and partly because the woman doing the piercing is insanely pretty and insanely good at what she does (she used to be a phlebotomist so she knows a little something about blood, needles, nervousness, and a given person’s propensity for fainting). while the piercer is busy marking the ear, claire looks over at dean in his chair and unable to contain the question any longer asks him, “you ever thought about getting a piercing?”
“me? nah.. it’s just not- i mean they would’ve gotten ripped out for sure by some- by accident.” he was about to say ‘by some monster’ but caught himself before he really weirded out the nice piercer woman. he hadn’t thought about him and piercings in a long time. he had slowly stopped wearing even rings and bracelets as much over the years in case they got caught on something during a hunt (though now he had a new ring on his left hand that he never took off). a piece of jewelry actually in the body was even more of a ridiculous idea for a hunter. but he wasn’t a hunter any more, not really. hadn’t been for about a year. after chuck and getting cas back safe and human.. with sam and eileen running their witchy little hunter hub from the bunker.. it had just seemed like his opportunity and his time to break out of it all. wow okay in that split second he trailed so far off from where he started.. where did he start? ...piercings! right. he remembers being young and not being able to take his eyes off the men in bars with the metal glinting in their ears, noses, lips.. now he knew the staring had been more about the men than the jewelry but it hadn’t not been about the jewelry either. was this one of those things he got to think about now, again, for the first time in a lifetime?
claire takes a moment to make sure she isn’t woozy any more and gets up to go look in the mirror at her new adornment. she smiles and dean snaps out of his own little world to say “you like it?” 
she looks at him through the mirror “love it.” and then, mischievous, “your turn.”
“my turn??”
“oh absolutely.” a moment of raised eyebrows and incredulous silence then, “if you decide you hate it you can just take it out. c’mon i saw your face, you want one you can’t hide from me.”
she’s right. he protests weakly, but she knows him all too well at this point and she’s right and the goading from the piercer only encourages her.
“okay okay fine. but nothing too showy.”
they decide on a rook. it’s not too prominent but it’s definitely there, definitely unique, it will look okay on it’s own if he never gets another piercing, and if he has to jump in on an odd hunt it’s far enough into the ear that it would be hard for it to get caught on anything or ripped out. dean picks a simple, stainless steel piece with a lapis lazuli setting– blue for his husband (though if you asked him he would deny that’s why he chose it. but only at first).
he can’t believe how jittery he is about the whole thing, but this time claire holds his hand. it’s over before it’s begun and he thought it might be painful like the tattoo was, or like any of the number of painful little things that have happened to him over the years but it’s not, it mostly just feels strange. it’s nice to be surprised like that.
dean hops off the bench like claire did and goes to the mirror half expecting to hate what he sees. but he’s surprised for the second time in barely a minute. the glint of the metal in his ear doesn’t just look good, it looks right. like it was meant to be there and he had been awaiting it’s arrival but didn’t know it. something hard to name, something small, something he didn’t know was missing until he found it had just found its way to him, slotted into place and settled in his ribs. he feels quieter but also on fire– like he’d be satisfied to just sit and read a book, like he could face god and win (again).
from behind him claire asks, “like it?”
he smiles. “love it.”
––
they kick around for a little while longer, each of them forgetting about their new piercings until they catch sight of the other’s or until they catch their reflection in a shop window and take a second to admire the newness. eventually claire begrudgingly admits she has to get back to campus to get some work done. dean drops her off at her dorm with a hug and a “stay out of trouble”. 
dean makes the drive home to cas, just lost enough in happy thoughts and memories from the day that he forgets to put on any music until he’s already half way home. 
he gets to the house and finds cas watering the plants in the living room. he leans in the doorframe, watching his love gently tend to each plant in turn. dean doesn’t say anything, he knows cas knows he’s there and will greet him when he’s finished seeing to his darlings. in the meantime dean gets to delight in the sight of the curve of cas’ back as he bends this way and that to reach the plants, the delicate and reverent care he shows each leaf and vine.
cas finishes his routine, sets the water down and turns to greet dean. he freezes half way to saying hello because something is.. something.. something is... he can’t put a name to it, nothing is wrong but dean is.. shifted. not different.. but different. dean is holding his head oddly turned to the side and it doesn’t help either that dean is smiling around a secret and they both know it. cas narrows his eyes but brushes off the feeling long enough to cross the room and give dean a kiss, quick but whole and familiar. dean turns his head to look at a plant and ask a question about it and “accidentally” reveal his new addition. cas, who hasn’t taken a single step backwards since coming over to kiss dean, of course sees the jewelry immediately and exclaims before dean even has a chance to start his made-up question. 
after some very amusing joke-yelling from both sides, it’s revealed that cas just absolutely loves it. and not that dean was worried cas would hate it but dean was a little worried cas would hate it. or worse, that he would judge it. but cas loves that dean tried something new, loves that he chose something blue, loves that dean seems just that little bit more at home in himself. and from the slight blush in his cheeks and ears, dean can tell cas thinks it’s a little bit sexy too. 
––
dean keeps thinking about how much he liked getting a piercing. he gets it on a fundamental level now, gets claire and her array of silver and gold. he’s got the taste for it now, the itch. he’s thinking about going back for another one. or two. but what else, what next? he cheekily wonders about picking based on what would drive cas wild. 
...dean goes back in secret a month and a half later to get his nips pierced. it doesn’t stay secret for long. not from cas, at least. 
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(Tone/intention indicator: non-aggressive!! Pensive and open/hopeful for discussion and/or advice. Not at all trying to be a grouch.)
I do get the joke and I get that there's plenty of evidence that he does like to take it up the ass which is rad for him if he does, you know, but it feels crappy to me, the way a lot of the fandom (NOT you—I haven't seen anything like this from you) and actually also Misha treats Dean and sometimes/by proxy Jensen with the whole calling him/them a bottom, especially when Jensen isn't part of the conversation and doesn't even know that there's anything to respond to. It just gets said about him in public, and then onus is on him to find it and respond. It's a gotcha situation though, I don't think there's even anything he could say in his own defense (if he wanted to, that is. idk, for all I know, maybe Jensen is into it too, but that's sort of my problem.. I don't how he feels about being called a girl, a bottom, an omega etc) that people wouldn't claim that, by saying he isn't a bottom, sub or femme, he actually is proving he's a "subby little girlboy," or so I saw it said. I wish we as a community could talk about the nuance and inherent homophobia and transphobia in leering about it that way, in stereotyping 'bottom/subby behavior' and categorizing that behavior as feminine etc. I'm a trans dude, a dom and a top and a lot of the things I see people saying about Dean being a bottom or, worse, about Jensen being a bottom, are just so.. emasculating to me, because a lot of that stuff is stuff I do, too. Dean is a fictional character so his feelings can't get hurt, but Jensen is a real person, you know? And there's like a million people on the internet saying they can tell he's a subby, femme bottom despite whether he's ever said anything to the contrary or not. It's.. jarring, too, since I'm also a real person and they're often pointing to traits and behaviors that I share as evidence. It makes me so dysphoric to see so many people calling him girly and needy and in heat or what have you and citing how he (over)performs masculinity. I over-perform masculinity, too, but I do it because I enjoy the presentation, not because I'm over-compensating and Actually A Girl. I'm actually pretty comfortable in my relationship with gender at this point. Sometimes I also wear dresses. I'm still a dude. It sucks that it seems like the overwhelming opinion is that loudly performing masculinity can only ever mean overcompensation, and never gender euphoria. It seems like a lot more people are more interested in forcing Dean to perform femininity—like people want to humble and humiliate him for his past/present comphet and his idea of his own masculinity—not in allowing him to participate in traditionally non-masculine things according to what he likes, or to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy. It's like, instead of him aggressively overcompensating his Manly Man-ness, everyone wants to make him aggressively, stereotypically effeminate and one dimensional in the opposite direction. What are your thoughts on it, if you don't mind sharing? Do you think there's a way to have this conversation in the fandom? Or am I missing the point?
hi! okay first of all I love your tone indicators, we should all be doing this online tbh because it absolutely sets the voice for the rest of your ask and I appreciate it so very much.
preliminarily - I am not an expert on this topic in any way, so please take my response with an entire value-size canister of salt.
I think your feelings and thoughts are absolutely valid, and I don't disagree. I personally try to steer clear of most of the real person is this and that thing unless they uh. you know. tweet it out loud at the internet (for what it's worth, I do think - any joking I may have vaguely done aside - that Misha's past two top related tweets specifically were fairly pointed at himself (yes, I know one was about Dean and Cas fanfic, but he said "I" enjoy being on top, not Cas enjoys topping Dean). I am certain he is aware of the innuendo though, and how fandom will take it so your commentary on his being a participant is certainly correct as well. Also, I firmly believe that Misha does treat humans, especially those he is close w, with the utmost respect and any joking he has done re Jensen has been in a place of Jensen being okay with it (like I don't think he would ever say anything he knows would make Jensen feel uncomfortable whether he is within earshot or across the country when it's said).
*takes off Misha apologist hat*
As for the rest, I think your points are extremely well made and it's definitely a conversation that can (and should!) be had in fandom. I do agree that this topic can and has been misconstrued (sometimes for shitposting's sake sometimes not) as it applies to irl people and situations. I personally think that Jensen is a very multidimensional and layered human (which serves him greatly as an actor, I mean he contains literal multitudes) and to classify him as either pendulum end - as you mentioned, is doing his human self a disservice. I think it's also important for all of us to remember that gender is a construct and can be so fluid, so putting any of it in a socially constructed box just defies the entire point of the conversation.
I don't know if this is making any sense (your points are a lot more well spoken and coherent than mine), but I do think what you said is so important and needs to be out there. Also, I hope you know you are so freaking valid and nothing that's said on this site or others about traits/behavioors of Jensen's that mirror your own is a firm definition for those traits/behaviors, especially if people are putting them in a category you don't necessarily agree/feel comfortable with or identify as the right 'definition' if you will. Your words - "to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy" really resonated with me, and I think they hold true for both Jensen and you. To radically be our authentic selves is the goal, and I'm so glad that based on what you said you're feeling about your own relationship with gender it seems like you are in that place!!!
Sorry this is so long of a response and probably. muddy. I hope I got the gist of what you were asking, but also thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, you expressed them really clearly and it's given me a lot to think about :) if I got anything wrong, or misunderstood a point you were making please feel free to pop by and clarify or correct me.
I hope you have an excellent day <3
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violenceenthusiast · 4 years ago
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people who save the world and defeat god get to sleep in late on their birthday and be celebrated
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