#IM VAIN I CANT DEAL WITH IT LOOKING BAD

[little-red-fool]

Think the only stuff I’m scared about going on T is things to do with head hair. I can deal with excessive sweating, thicker skin and body hair, and I’m not even concerned about my voice becoming “too deep” anymore because then I can finally sing male country songs properly. MPB and receding hairline though? Fuck no I need my thick shaggy hair. Also I heard some people’s hair texture changes, if mine stays the same or becomes dead straight I’d be happy but I would actually cry if it got wavier/curly, I don’t need that in my life. It would look awful on me and it’d be so much more of a hassle to deal with, I get frustrated at my current mildly wavy hair already. Hopefully that won’t happen because the men on both sides of my family have thick slightly wavy/straight hair with decent hairlines so I’m PRAYING I get their genes, specifically my dad’s side because their hair is immaculate, even well into their 70s. My dad’s nearly 50 and has barely any grey hairs and a full head of hair. No MPB or receding on his side. Like at all. Even on my mum’s side my grandpa had most of his hair in his 80s albeit with a somewhat receded hairline. I take way more after my dad than my mum though and look almost exactly like him when he was around my age anyway so I’m praying I look more like him when I’m his age, but I have no idea how T’s going to affect my hair and that’s genuinely the scariest part about it for me 💀

[phagodyke]

love being at the climbing gym like yeah im not that flexible and then constantly doing moves matching my hands n feet on the same holds even when completely unnecessary

[morphids]

surrender to the sea, hange zoë

pairing: pirate captain!hange x noble!reader, they/them pronouns used for hange with afab anatomy for both

summary: your father’s shady business deals with a pirate crew lead to collateral damage.

warnings: kidnapping, pwp, explicit sexual content 18+, minors dni (consensual no dubcon here), poc friendly!! hange is a freak, r is SO down bad (same), r is dissatisfied w her life, tension, acc insane executions of gay panic, theres so much exposition before the smut im so sorry bear with me, cunnilingus, fingering, general filthiness — enjoy.

wc: 8.8k, sorry i cant stop yapping.

a.n : listen i tried to stop myself but im weak to my own devil thoughts ok hange worshippers wya

—

Jolting, you sat up in your bed, awakened from slumber by a whipping crash, followed by splintered glass cracking on the hardwood floors of your quarters.

Heart thumping in your ears from the shock, your head instinctively turned towards the shattered window, where the translucent fabric of the curtains were being dragged out with the cool night’s wind. Brows furrowing, your gaze turned to a small, thick object on the floor, illuminated by hints of moonlight, presumably the very cause of the shattering.

You felt an odd feeling, something in the wind warning you that you weren’t alone, you looked over your room, checking for anything out of order. There was nothing out of place, it wasn’t until your second skim over the room that you saw it. A shadow in the darkest corner, the corner where light barely hit it, something to do with the measurements of the architecture, you’d been told. It was there though, undeniably.

“Who are you?” You spoke, shakily, loud against the otherwise still atmosphere, your voice caused a small laugh to come from the unknown shadow.

“That’s your first question?” They spoke, an air of condescension about them.

“I should like to know the identity of the person who has broken into my quarters,” You steeled your voice, trying to portray an image of fearlessness though you were betrayed by the slight tremor in your hands as they clutched onto the bedsheets for any hope of comfort, “May you at least come out from the shadows?” Your fear was definitely betrayed then, as the person stepped forward, the light now casting shadows over their features.

You looked them over, noticing a slight reflection from the glass in their spectacles, a black band covering one quarter of their face, obscuring the right eye. You shook, this was no person from court, maybe not even from this city. Their hardened features, accessories and strange attire placing them from somewhere else entirely. Who is this stranger? What business have they with you?

You find yourself lacking words, having been woken up in such a way was causing a lack of signals to be sent to and from the brain. You were just staring at them, stunned to silence.

“No more questions, huh?”

“I-I just, am confused,” You responded, blinking away tears that formed as you truly grasped the situation you were in, and anything that could happen from here.

“Well, let me explain then,” they shrugged, “You’re coming with me,”

You ogled, “Coming with you, where exactly?”

“As it turns out, daughters are the best way to get a man to pay up,” They chuckled, you didn’t like the implications of this, at all. What did this have to do with your father? Last you had spoken to him, he was furious at you, having been ‘disrespectful’ to one of the countless suitors he had tried arranging for you. You don’t know why he still bothered; every time each one of the suitors had travelled and began any attempts at courting you, you’d reject them.

“I hope you know I’m not going to marry you,” you’d said to one of them, once. You could almost laugh at the gears turning inside their heads as they looked at you as if you were an entity. You’d add in a couple of comments here and there about how their attempts were foolish and in vain, how they coat their dark intentions behind sweet words and promises. You could always see through them. Plus, it was hard to deny the entertainment you’d get from seeing their flustered faces, set on denying all accusations whilst having no actual defence, before huffing and wandering away, not before having words with your father about how they would never marry such a disobedient and insolent woman. Was this your father trying to teach you a lesson? No. That doesn’t feel right, they emphasised paying up. Pay for what? You wondered, had your father been up to something?

“Unfortunately, that makes you collateral,” they paused, looking down as they adjusted the sword that was clinging onto their side, sheathed away, for now. You hadn’t even noticed it before, shuddering as you realised you were completely defenceless. Not a weapon nearby you could use, even if there was, you wouldn’t be able to formulate an attack, regardless. “So, you’d better listen to what I say, and come with me,”

After a beat, with no response, they continued, “I will only ask nicely once, princess,” Sighing as one hand moved to their hip, the other remained on the hilt of their sword, “I’d prefer to do this cordially, if you wanna make it ugly, that’s your choice.”

You blinked, truly at a loss, what the fuck was happening?

“If I go with you, will you tell me what’s going on?” You hated the way that sounded on your tongue, so helpless and lost— a feeling you resented, pride dissipating and crumbling into a tiny speck.

“You have to come with me to find out,”

—

Wood creaked beneath your feet, steps hesitant as the stranger escorted you along the way, your vision totally blinded as they had wrapped a cloth around your eyes. Closing your senses from the rest of the world, all you could do was rely on the sounds of hectic chatter and sea waves, a salty scent around you.

You’d been walking for what felt like miles, but your manor wasn’t too far away from the sea, that stretched out to meet a vast ocean, the only connection between your country and any others. You knew you had been taken to the coast, based on the cries of seagulls and the humming water.

The stranger’s hand was placed on the lower of your back, guiding you, as well as deterring you from any sudden moves. You probably would’ve tried to run away from them, were it not for the clang of metal that was attached to the stranger’s hip.

“Can you at least tell me your name?”

“I think you’re confused on our roles here, sweetheart,” They chuckled, “You don’t get to order me around,” They added a slight push at your back, emphasising the fact that they hold all the cards, whilst you’re just leverage. That was the only part of this you understood.

Sighing, you sneered your lip. You were starting to get pissed off, this stranger completely disrupted your sleep, blindfolded you, is kidnapping you, and you still have no clue as to why. You needed answers.

Your steps came to a halt, when you felt the stranger press you forward to nudge you, you hardened your legs to the ground.

“I’m not continuing,” A pause, “You said you wanted to do this cordially, then tell me your name,”

The stranger sighed, you could almost hear the roll in their eyes, “Look, we’re almost here, okay?”

“Just a few more steps and then I’ll tell you,”

Another nudge at your back, along with a hand meeting yours, “Watch ya step,” They spoke, guiding you up what felt like a ramp, their hand leading you.

A door slammed behind you, the stranger removed their hands and disappeared for a short time before you felt them behind you again, fingers untying the knotted cloth. You let out a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down. Were they going to kill you?

Your eyes felt slightly raw after being covered so tightly for that long, after you adjusted to the air and light around you, you could take in your surroundings.

The room was slightly dimmed, lighted only by a few oil lamps that burned away in their designated corners, you noticed countless jars on the shelves, preserving different sea creatures and other things you could not recognise. Notes and maps were scattered all over the floor and the desks, piles of books, rustic and handmade, but neat and organised— in its own way. This was the room of someone who studied and researched, you could recognise the frantic illustrations immediately, could feel the passion that lingered in the room.

The stranger moved in front of you, “You just gonna stare?” Your eyes took them in now, fully in vision this time, with no more shadows to hide behind, no more cloth. Their eyes were a soft, dark brown, layers of hair falling over the sides of their face, the tips rimmed with leftover structure from saltwater. Strong jawline and a strong nose, their glasses sat atop the bridge, leaning down slightly, the black band you noticed before still covering their eye. Their attire consisted of a loose black, long-sleeved shirt, a large slit down the chest area, not tied with the laces, allowing you to see the vast black strings with pendants that made up the necklaces wrapped around their neck. You recognised it as a shirt that was traditionally stitched for men, though they certainly looked much better in it than any man could. Loose black pants which emphasised their slender waist, with dark long boots, you could see scuffing on the edges of them from wear, the laces splitting from frequent tying. You let out a sigh, before speaking.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Hange,”

“You’re not from this land,” You say, “You’re a person of the sea,”

Hange hummed, their hand meeting their hip once again.

“Are you going to kill me?”

They let out a laugh, one so inappropriate it almost made you feel stupid, “Sweetheart, if I was going to kill you, d’you think I’d have taken you here?”

“Well, it would’ve been foolish to kill me in my quarters,”

“Leverage needs to be alive to be worthwhile, that’s the whole point,” The way they spoke unnerved you, with their charismatic words and smug voice. Hints of a smirk tugging at their lips.

“Where is ‘here’, anyway?” You didn’t feel stable, the floor rocked up and down slightly, your stomach turning a little as you adjusted to the slight weightlessness of the structure. “We’re on water, I can hear the waves,”

“Don’t worry, we haven’t set sail yet,” They walked over to their desk, moving around some papers, studying its contents, “There’s still business to tend to before we do,” In other words, your father.

You watched them, the way their sword clung and clanked against the hardwood of the desk, their tall stature almost reaching the short ceiling of the cabin, hand splayed on the desk for stability. Hair tied up at the back, with strands spilling out of their tie.

“What’s my purpose here?” Your arms crossed over your stomach, fingers grabbing at the sleeves of loose fabric of your nightdress, feeling vulnerable.

“Your father’s in some trouble,” They chuckled, your heart sank, “He owes me,”

“For what?”

“You sure ask a lot of questions, princess.”

“I’m not a princess,” you replied, voice tensing. “Do not address me as such,” Hange’s lips tilted, noticing your misgivings, the tense shoulders and a quip in your upper lip. Distaste. Interesting.

“Your father’s trying to make you one. Queen Consort, as I’ve heard,” Your brows furrowed.

“I do not follow,”

Hange looked up from their pages, gazing right at you. You tried swallowing, throat dry, as they hoisted themselves off the desk and stepped closer.

“He commissioned us, my crew,” Hange spoke, “To track and retrieve the Marleyan jewel.”

“I thought that was legend, an ancient myth of a mystical jewel, passed down from stories.”

“Oh, it’s very real, my lady.” You sighed, at least they were addressing you properly this time.

“And a very dangerous job, at that.” You stared at Hange, looking for any hints that this was just an elaborate joke. None were found, though. They were serious.

“I lost two good men, almost the rest of my crew for that buffoon,” They sighed, a flash of anger in their eyes, rubbing the skin of their jaw, “We retrieved this jewel, and your father tried to rob me blind, I want compensation.”

“Why would he go to those lengths? I do not understand,”

“For you, princess.”

When you did not answer, Hange continued, “Apparently this was his golden opportunity, get the long-desired jewel to gift the King an offering for your hand to the prince. Establish power and riches, and a good suitor for his daughter.”

Your stomach churned, you knew your father was adamant on marrying you off, but this? This was something different, sinister. You knew Hange was telling the truth, the intricacies of the story fell into place too well to be a lie.

Your father was truly a despicable man, hungry for power, and uncaring of those he stepped on to get to his station. Now you were paying for his greed. You think back to your mother, wishing she had outlived him, maybe you would be different, now.

“He cost me two men, our stock and supplies,” Hange pressed, shaking their head, “I can’t have that.”

“So you take me for ransom?”

“If he is not willing to pay up, I’m taking it upon myself to make him. One way or another, he will pay.”

Tears rimmed the ducts of your eyes, you blinked them away, a futile attempt to not show weakness. You know what that meant, either in physical currency or emotional currency, even if he cared little for you, he’d be paying with the loss of a guaranteed seat. To a man like that, that’s punishment enough. You chewed the corner of your lip, nerves eating you up.

“I can’t believe he’d do this,” You could actually, it was more the disbelief of how quickly your situation had changed, “All to marry me off to a disgusting man, be done with me whilst he sits comfortably,”

“You don’t wish to marry a handsome prince? Live a life of wealth and comfort?” Hange looked amused, almost perplexed that this was against your wishes.

“I wish for nothing of the sort,” You sneered, “I crave a life of my own choosing.”

Hange’s features softened, feeling a tug of pity before shutting the feeling down. They almost related to you, almost. Before reiterating to themselves that you were the same as all the other rich nobles. Wealthy and comfortable in your ostentatious manors, with even more ostentatious dresses, whilst the rest of the population suffered, starved and fought for dregs of burnt bread and half pints of spoiled milk. You were no different. No different.

“Careful, my lady, or I’ll sail this ship with you in it,”

You let out a saddened laugh, “Better than what he was planning for me,” You snuck a glance at the circular port window, watching as people were busying themselves with tasks. Filling up crates of fruits, dried fish, barrels of wine and weapons. You mulled for a second, it could be worse, Hange could’ve killed you at the first meet, or even worse, your father successfully got his hands on the jewel, and shipped you off to live a life with a prince who couldn’t even fold his own clothes, or bathe himself. You could visualise your father sitting back, smug and content as he finally got what he always wanted. Abundant wealth and power.

“I do not wish to stay here.” You said, voice more confident than it had been the entire time. Hange looked up at you, surprise taking over their features, “You may demand whatever compensation you require from my father, but…”

“When you set sail, I wish to come with.”

—

Hange had left the captain’s cabin for quite some time, leaving you inside alone as you couldn’t be allowed on the deck yet, not trusted to not do anything stupid yet. They had to check on a few of the crewmates first. You were an interesting character to say the least, Hange could tell you were stubborn, though that’s normal for a high-born, accustomed to making demands and having them realised. It was easy to imagine you not mixing well at court, with your disregard for hierarchy and noble customs. They almost laughed at your conviction when you said you wished to board the ship, of your own accord. The most determined glaze over your features. That was an unexpected oversight, Hange didn’t expect you to go so willingly. A part of them was relieved, content they didn’t need to make it bloodier than it had to be. They have morals, after all. Hurting an innocent woman would provide no respect amongst their crew, not when the real fish was the father.

The crew’s respect and admiration for the captain of the ship was of utmost importance, they need a leader they could trust and admire, it was easy enough to have mutiny on your hands. The ship was passed down to Hange from their father, but the trust and good dynamic of a solid crew, you have to earn yourself. Hange had established that respect from one of their first expeditions, under their confident lead the ordeal had been speedy and efficient. Hange ordered the rewards to be split and distributed as was deemed fair. With multiple feats over harsh waters and perilous expeditions, Hange had consistently proved themselves as a strong leader, they ran a tight ship and their crew meant everything to them.

*

You sat there in your silly nightdress, ennui eating at your brain as you sat, wishing you could change into something else. Arms wrapped around your legs, looking around as you waited. Deciding to get up, you looked around the room, it was rather nice, for what it was.

You walked up to the shelves, sea oddities neatly placed preserved in jars, with linen labels pinned underneath. You noticed various species, octopi, starfish, eels, crabs and lobsters, and other creatures you had never seen before in your books. There were also drawn illustrations of the anatomy, their organs and bone structure— did Hange do all this?

Your eyes trailed around, landing on the maps and compasses discarded around the tables and floor, with coded markings and notes around certain landmarks, sketches of what you assumed to be distant lands. Looking in awe, wandering at all the things you had never heard of, let alone seen before. Hange must be so knowledgeable, so well-travelled, so.. free. All the things you wished you could be.

Running your fingers over the maps, you jumped back into propriety as the cabin door swung open, Hange’s footsteps filling the room. They looked at you, having noticed your sudden switch in demeanour.

“You inspecting my collection, my lady?” Their back was to you, hanging their outer coat on one of the nail pegs that had been hammered into the wall.

“I’m sorry, I..” You looked down, “I was just curious,”

“It’s alright, I’m quite fond of it myself,” They joined you, standing to your side and looking at where you had been caught touching the delicate papers.

“You did all of this?”

“Is that so surprising?” They chuckled, crossing their arms over their chest. “No,” You paused, “I have just never seen anything quite like this,”

“There are many wonders out in the world, I like to keep note of them,” “For plundering?” You joked, too late to bite it back before it slipped out.

They laughed, “Not everything is to be plundered, sometimes it’s enough to just take it in and observe,”

You looked up at them, there was something you couldn’t quite place about them, yet. They were unlike the pirates you had read about or heard bedtime stories of as a child.

“The world has many corners of beauty, they’re deserving of respect and admiration." Agreeing, you pointed at the display of jars, thinking back to your own research on botany, categorized and illustrated, frowning as you realised it was all left behind. All those hours spent bending your neck under candlelight wasted. “I have a similar collection, pressings of flowers and plants- a little like yours, illustrations and marked under their specifications: edible, toxic, healing,"

Hange looked at you, "Sounds wonderful," unexpecting to have anything in common with someone of your stature, and yet, here they were. "It's all in my quarters, so I doubt I shall see it again," You breathed out, trying to not make it seem like a loss. Hange's gaze turned towards the floor, feeling slightly culpable that they had taken that away from you.

Straightening their back up, they moved back to their satchel, opening it wide and grabbing some folded clothing, jars with some clear liquid, slightly cloudy. Moonshine, you noted. Easier to distil your own rather than paying double for liquor.

“This is for you,” They hummed, holding out their hand waiting for you to walk over and grab them.

“What is it?”

“Provisions,” They shrugged, “And some clothes, we don’t have a lot aboard, but you can have my cast-offs, they were going to be left at the port anyway.”

You looked at them like they had grown seven heads, not expecting sudden kindness from someone who kidnapped you only a few hours ago.

“This where you say ‘thank you, Hange’.” There was the smugness again, an impish look on their features, you rolled your eyes you stepped closer.

Grabbing the items from them, “Thank you, Hange,” You felt meek, under their heavy gaze as you said their name for the first time. It felt strange hearing it from your own mouth, “Any longer in that nightdress and I probably would’ve thrown myself overboard,”

They laughed, “Don’t think you’ll prefer my clothes any more, truthfully, but if you’re going to stay here for now, might as well blend in.”

“Anything is better than this,” You ran your fingers over the fabric.

“Get dressed, it’s mealtime soon,” “You’re letting me eat?”

They looked at you strangely, “I’m not letting a person on my ship starve, I’m not barbaric,” They stated as if it was obvious, it might’ve been, but not to you.

“Thank you,”

Nodding, Hange left you to get changed. Giving you privacy as they shut the door behind them, you waited a few seconds before undressing. You weren’t accustomed to wearing pants, nobility requiring you to wear frilly dresses that cut off your circulation and itched at your neck and wrists, you were rather excited to adorn some comfortable cloth, for once.

As you manoeuvred the loose shirt over your limbs, you noticed a lingering musk of salt and sandalwood? It was rather pleasant, you would normally make your own scented oils and perfumes from boiled flower petals, lavender and honeysuckle, plants native to your country. This scent was uncommon, usually gifted to you at court from wealthy travellers. You lifted the fabric closer to you, inhaling, it truly was divine. Is this what Hange smells like? You couldn't honestly say you hated it.

Slipping your legs through the pants, they were a bit over your standard size, you tucked the wide bottoms into your own boots. You were glad you opted for your hunting boots rather than your daily shoes. Not quite sure that you had put everything on properly, as the fit felt odd. Looking down, everything felt slightly too big and made you feel like a child in adult’s clothing. Frowning you tried tucking in the shirt, though that didn’t really seem to help either.

There was a knock at the cabin door, “Are ya decent?”

The concept made you chuckle, Hange treated you with a lot more respect and propriety than some of the men at court.

“Yes.”

“Never had to knock on my own door before,” Hange joked, letting themselves in, gazing over at you in your fresh clothes. Their smile dropped ever so slightly as their eyes travelled over your new attire. Hange's poet blouse hanging on you, you had, of course, actually tied the laces at the chest, you were a Lady after all. Kinda suits you, they thought, before shrugging it away to hidden corners.

"Does it look alright? It's a little big," "You complaining?" You flustered, not wanting to come across as ungrateful, "Not at all, I-" "I'm messing with you, may I?"

When you nodded, they walked up closer to you, eyes unreadable. You stiffened up, back a little straighter when they brought their hands to the bottom of the blouse. Watching their movements hesitantly, Hange did not make contact with your eyes, they were so close to you. Catching that hint of sandalwood again, almost intoxicating as you honed your vision onto their hands. Looking for anything else to concentrate on, it didn’t help much as Hange focused on undoing the bottom three catches, revealing your uncovered abdomen. They grabbed at the two, now separate hangs of the shirt, your breath hitching when their fingers delicately grazed your bare skin, a minute jerk of your stomach as Hange began tying the fabric together so it fit tighter around your waist. So that was the trick to it, then? You must admit, it was an improvement.

You let out a heavy breath when they were done, and finally stepped away. It was harder to breathe when Hange was that close, you will not let that happen again. Feeling far too clouded upon their proximity, perhaps you were allergic to the fragrance, you reasoned.

“Better?” Their voice lowered, awaiting your judgment,

“Much, thank you.”

—

Mealtime came quickly after, you hadn't expected it to be so busy, or so populated. How many people does it take to effectively run a vessel of this size? Hange led you to the upper deck, evidently the largest space aboard, where mealtimes commonly occurred. A large pot of warm meat stew was being led out by a small woman from the galley, placed upon the floor as the crew grabbed portions as they pleased. Hange passed you a ceramic dish, before ladling a couple spoonfuls into your plate.

Thanking them, you looked around, spotting barely any dining tables or chairs, mainly stools or planks of wood nailed together to form a bench, most taken up by the sailors, as others sat themselves in the grooves on the ship deck, some on the rim of the ship itself. You shall not risk that, you thought, still adjusting to the feeling of a rocking vessel.

“You’re probably used to something more polished, but this is how we eat here,” Hange shrugged, “Try to enjoy the stew, Sasha truly works wonders with very little,”

“Landing at port was a godsend, I used fresh meat this time,” The brunette who brought out the food spoke, overhearing the conversation, who you assumed was Sasha. You stilled, this time? What about every other time, you thought, shuddering. Well, no time to adjust like the present. Sticking the spoon into the stew, you took a mouthful, before looking up at Hange in wonder, eyes wide, “This is delicious,”.

“Thank Sasha, she keeps us all standing,” Hange joked, placing a hand upon Sasha’s shoulder.

“What do you normally eat?” You asked, directing your question over to Sasha,

“Usually what we can grab and preserve for a long time, dried meats, beans, your city has a lovely selection of fruits so we’ve stocked some of those, too!” She smiled at you, and you found that she had quite a comforting presence, feeling at ease, you hoped you could form a friendship with her.

Hange excused themselves, as they had something to attend to with someone called Levi. You watched them as they walked away, interacting with their crewmates, laughing with them over something you couldn’t hear. They definitely knew how to command attention, their entire being was self-assured, and confident in themselves and their abilities. Dragging your eyes away, back to Sasha, who watched you with a smile on her face.

“You’re not what I expected when Hange told us the plan,”

“I hope I haven’t disappointed,” you retorted, not really knowing how else one could respond to that. Sasha simply laughed, “It’s a great deal different, but not disappointing,”.

—

You had remained on the deck, the crew wanting to have a little friendly spar for morale. If this was the only entertainment you could get, you’d gladly take it. Having finally secured a spot on one of the benches, you watched as different spars played themselves out.

After a few, though, it was all starting to become a bit monotonous. Feeling your eyes glaze over, you were suddenly conscious of the fact that you hadn’t had a good nights rest since Hange took you, where would you even sleep tonight?

Your attention was redirected when a crewmember called out Hange’s name, challenging them to a spar. The newly formed crowd cheered as Hange made their way into the sparring space. A smirk on their lips as they vaunted, hand clasping their sword as it was unsheathed. Finally take a good look at it, it was a fine piece of metal, sleek and thin. The handle was adorned with intricate patterned etchings.

You took notice of how Hange handled the blade, slender fingers wrapped around the hilt as they pointed it towards the opponent. No shaking, no hesitation. A sturdy, stable grasp, with an arrogant side smile that captivated you, eyes glued on their movements as the opponent tried to disarm them, unsuccessfully. Hange was slightly more agile, their body flowed like liquid, vivacious as they fought. It seemed like they could almost foresee the man’s footing and which way he’d direct an attack. They must’ve sparred together many times. A few more attempts and Hange trapped his blade, lifting his own up and twisting their arm. His sword fell to the floor with a clang, reverberating against the wooden deck.

“Damn it, Captain!” The opponent yelled out, frustration in his voice as he thought he’d actually win this time, Hange only hung their head back and laughed, the strands of hair that edged down their face slipped back, exposing their jaw and neck. A gentle smile escaped your lips as you watched, they looked so liberated, so strong. Hange truly was an enigmatic figure, they carried themselves with authority that you can’t say you’d ever seen elsewhere. They were charismatic, magnetic, you could see that they truly had the admiration of their crew.

“You’ll have to try harder to beat me,” Hange teased, sheathing their sword, a mischievous glaze in their eyes as they landed on you. Your heart picked up, unable to pull your own gaze away from theirs, almost enchanted when you noticed the corner of their lips tilt up.

Breaking away from the contact, you felt your ears grow warm. Deciding to find the wooden deck the most interesting thing around you, until scuffed boots appeared in your line of vision. Looking up, Hange had stepped closer to you, placing their hand into a pocket of their pants.

“Time to retire, my lady?”

Fumbling, you flustered, “Where am I to sleep?” Members of the crew were scattered, some sleeping on the floor of the deck, some had set up rustic hammocks, whilst others continued to wander the floor.

“In my quarters,” Hange stated as if it was obvious, “Unless you’d prefer to sleep next to that lot,” They pointed at the others, crewmates who slept on their stools with their heads resting on their arms placed on the brim of the ship. The expression on Hange’s face made it clear that they were mocking you, perfectly aware of how you would not prefer that option.

“I fear my spine would crumble,” You jested, your lie blatant.

“Come,” They nudged their head towards the stern of the ship, where the Captain’s private quarters were. Hange’s comfortable room with all the fascinating oddities. You’d much prefer sleeping there, you thought.

Following, Hange led you back to their space, all things considered, you felt rather guarded there. Strangely safe and sound. Something tugged at your mind that Hange wouldn’t stand for anything to happen to you, not even for you specifically— Hange’s crew appeared quite companionable, you attributed that to their leader. You wondered how far those pleasantries extended, what acts of horror were allowed and which were not.

Closing the door behind them, Hange hung up their outer coat on its peg, rolling their shoulders as a minor stretch. Bringing their hands up to the back of their neck, rubbing the tender muscle atop their skin.

You stood, clutching your elbows under crossed arms. The silence in the cabin contrasted the raucous crew outside, some still sparring.

“Was that moonshine?” Your voice broke through the quiet, looking towards the jar of liquid Hange had brought you as 'provisions'. "No, it's grog," "Grog?" "Rum and water," Pulling a face, you continued.

"Is it good?" "Not really, but we don't drink it for its taste." Nodding, you picked up the jar, inspecting. "Did you make it?" Hange scoffed, smirking to themselves, their arms coming to cross over their chest, "It's far easier to steal from merchant ships, they're always overloaded with stock," "I see."

"I think I would like to try it," Hange raised their eyebrows at you, a playful look struck their features. "Oh?" They continued, "I brought it for you, thought you might need a little pick-me-up, have at it."

Uncorking the jar, the aroma of the liquor invaded your senses. "It smells strong," Hange nodded, watching with a devilish face as you brought the rim to your lips. After a gulp, you couldn't hold back a cough as the force of the harsh drink burned through your throat, your lips twisting and your eyebrows squeezing together. "That's revolting," "Yeah, it's pretty bad," Hange laughed, grabbing the jar from you and taking a bigger gulp for themselves, passing it back to you. Truly, you don't know what possessed you to take another sip, but it became easier to tolerate.

A few half hours passed, and you had placed yourself on Hange's wicker couch, your bed for the foreseeable. Arms wrapped around your legs which pressed to your chest. You were definitely feeling the effects of the liquor, tolerance much lower than Hange's, who sat on the floor beside the couch. Feeling far more relaxed, your tongue was a tad looser, speaking to and asking Hange questions you would've otherwise probably not asked. Truthfully, you were curious, there was a lot you wished to learn about them. When you first met Hange, you expected a lot of things, you didn't anticipate them being quite as respectful and honourable towards you as they were. There was more to them than what was seen on the surface, you wanted to see what lay deeper.

"But why? Why do you choose to live a life of piracy? Wouldn't it be far safer to live on land?" "Not everyone is lucky enough to be born atop riches, that's an irregular gift given only to a few," Hange spoke, their words thoughtful despite having drank even more than you, "Life at sea is more forgiving than the hardships on land." "Yes, but... there must be something else, even with the hardships at land?

"No offence, my lady," Pausing, "What would you know of hardship on land? My father worked his hardest, damn near broke his back, just to be cheated and stripped of his dignity by the greed of others." Looking down at your knees, a pull of guilt struck, knowing that it was because of people like you, and your father.

"This was his way of ensuring his own future, on his own terms and not under the boot of the wealthy who build their livelihoods on the backs of others." Hange sighed, taking another sip of grog, "At least on the sea, what you see is what you get, fight for what you want and share the rewards. It's not the most honest work, yes, but it's far more honest than those sitting in ivory towers clicking their fingers for anything they desire."

You watched as Hange spoke, their words were true, honest reflections of everything they stood for. Pirate or not, Hange had more substance than you'd ever encountered in anyone else in your life. More than those who coat their words with sugar, kissing up to their higher-ups all for a sliver of what they had.

Hange passed you the jar, and you swallowed another sip, barely tasting the alcohol by this point. This was the first you had heard of Hange's family. "I understand that," you hummed, "I've always thought it unfair, why others are seen as less based on menial things such as money. I suppose my father was my introduction to that, a part of me has always despised him."

"I wondered why you came with me so willingly, though if I had your father I would probably have been similar." Laughing, you nodded, "Truthfully, I have felt disillusioned from my life, perhaps I wanted something refreshing, a different way of being."

"Besides, you intrigued me, I find you fascinating," Your words slipped out, the grog having seriously impacted your inhibitions. Hange's eyes met yours, impish and deviant. The edge of their lip quipped up, delightfully amused. "Is that right, my lady?" They leaned their weight on their right hand that was pressed against the cabin floor, as their left remained hanging off the leg they had propped up. Your skin burned underneath their gaze, and you found that your tongue shattered. Unable to respond, all you could do was meet their half-lidded stare, thunder in your chest, as it lifted up and down. Shit. "I think that's enough grog for you, princess,"

Breaking contact, you pointed at Hange's shelves, to where their collection lay, clearing your throat before speaking. "Like your collection, it-it's fascinating, I wish I could've grabbed mine," You deflected, altering the matter, anything to stop the thunder in your chest and remember yourself. Anything to stop the blaze before it spread far beyond control.

"When we set sail, you can start a new collection." They softened, "One with all the new plants you'll see,"

—

You felt like shit the following morning. Head thumping with each movement, you could only sit on one of the benches with your hands holding up the weight. "Grog fever?" Sasha's teasing voice rang out through your ears, "Been there."

"This is awful," "First time?" "Obviously," You rubbed your eyes, as Sasha lightly patted you on the back, "You'll survive,"

Two presences joined you and Sasha at your bench, one was shorter with black hair, and the other stood upright, with scraggly blonde hair. "This is Levi, he's the First Mate, pretty much Hange's second in command," Sasha spoke, introducing you, "Don't mind him, he's a bit of an ass." "The other is Reiner, also a bit of an ass," She giggled, finding entertainment within herself.

Levi nodded at you, a silent greeting which you didn't mind as listening and speaking were already hard enough with the thumping in your head. Reiner looked at you, before pulling his hand out to meet yours. "Lovely to meet such a beautiful lady," He declared, eyes scouring down your body, "I'm looking forward to having you aboard," His words reeked with flirtation, his cold eyes geeking you out, discomfiting, not like the handsome brown ones you melted into yesterday.

Almost as if reading your mind, Hange appeared, they had left the ship this morning, as apparently, they had some errands to run. Hange set their hands on Reiner's shoulders, carrying an indistinct countenance. "Reiner, I have matters to discuss, come," They spoke, before walking a few steps ahead, waiting for him near the stern, arms crossed.

"Coming, captain," Reiner followed their lead, you kept glancing over to them as Sasha picked up chatter with Levi. You were straining your ears to catch snippets of their conversation, a little difficult over Sasha's voice in front of you, the little you could make out came from Hange: Not this one.

As you switched your attention back to the table, wondering what the hell that was about, you had just bypassed Sasha's looking towards you, her brows crinkling and face pulling into a look of recognition. Huh, she thought, how about that?

—

As the day passed, the time to set sail was nearing, planned for sometime within the next two days depending on supplies and readiness. Apprehension was harder to ignore, you thought about what your father was currently doing, and his reaction upon discovering you had not been in your chambers the following morning. Mulling, you cackled to yourself, clasping your hand over your mouth to mask the giggles as the gravity of what you had done struck you. Never did you imagine your life to end up in this way.

Hange entered their quarters, hanging up their coat, "What's so funny?" " "I just can't believe what I'm doing," your laughter settled down, breathing returning to standard as Hange placed themselves next to you on the wicker couch. "Yeah? You 'n me, both," They chuckled, pausing, "Hey, uh- I wanted to give you this,"

You studied them, catching a modest element of hesitation on Hange that you weren't familiar with seeing. Hange handed you a book, of beautifully bound brown leather, the spine stitching exposed with light-coloured thread. "What is this for?" "You left your notes behind, so this is for your new collection," You gaped at them, prompting Hange to continue, "For all the new plants you'll see and learn about,"

Wordless, you looked between Hange and the book in your hands, feeling the skin at your cheeks heating up. "Hange, this is- thank you, so much," Nodding, Hange steeled, standing themselves up, nearing the door before speaking, "The shantyman is going to play for a while, the crew loves him, so you don't wanna miss it," It was customary for ships to bring musicians. They'd sing songs and play tunes to boost morale amongst the crew, to carry them through the harrowing nights, and oftentimes even spread their hopes for some romance. You definitely wanted to witness it, Hange held the cabin door open for you as you both made your way to the deck.

The musician was doing his thing, leading the crew in song, banging a drum as melodies rang through the vessel. You noticed Sasha dancing with the crewmembers. It was a little overwhelming, the events you had attended at court were much milder and reserved than this, uppity, really. People would rarely dance, it was almost taboo. This was far distant from that, it was fun, delightful even—almost hedonistic in style.

You weren’t quite sure how to join yourself with them, the dances varying from person to person made it hard to fall into a step. Hange noticed your hesitance, before clasping your hand and pulling you towards them. Their hand resting upon your waist, drawing you tighter as they moved into a dance. The air in your lungs tripped over itself, shortening your breath. Stomach pressed against stomach.

Looking up at them, Hange donned a smug smile, higher up on one side of their mouth as it hung from their lips.

“Dance with me, princess,” Hange hummed, their voice lowered. There came the thunder in your chest again, the blaze was spreading.

“I’ve told you to not address me like that,” You whispered, the contention you planned on executing in your voice was nowhere near where you had planned. Instead, it was mild, for fear that would fumble over your own words, as your tongue shattered once again.

“I can’t help it,” They grinned, skimming over your flustered appearance. You don’t know what kind of sorcery Hange held, what alluring magnetism in their blood drew you to them. You felt yourself begin to melt into their tempting gaze, as you blinked.

“Careful, don’t look at me like that or I might begin to get the wrong idea,” Hange’s head sank towards your neck, your breath hitched. Their proximity was intoxicating, you found you couldn’t bear the weight of it. Pulling yourself away from Hange, you rushed to the cabin, pushing open the door and letting yourself inside.

Letting out a bulky breath, your face was burning up, body temperature way over standard as you rested your hands on Hange’s desk. Clamouring to compose yourself. Hange knocked at the door, before entering. Shutting your eyes, you remained still.

“You okay?” Ignoring them, you relented in your stance. The tension in the room increased, heart pulsing as you heard their footsteps reach close.

“I think I have fever,” You mumbled, Hange was right behind you now. You could feel their warmth reaching your back.

“Stand and face me, dear,” An assertive hand maintained at your waist, turning your body toward them Hange held down your gaze, keeping their hand in its place, squeezing. “This is no fever,”

Their free hand came to meet your jaw, thumb ghosting over the soft skin. Hange lowered their head towards you, their face so near, your sanity was in a thick haze, heavy and clouded. "I can see the dark in your eyes, my lady," Hange hummed, relishing in the glaze in your eyes, at the darkness pooling in your pupils as you glimmered up at them, eyes doe and lips plump from biting. The heat from their voice raised your skin, touring down your spine as an ache between your thighs pulsed.

Hange's lips brushed against the velvety flesh at the base of your neck, tentative. You shivered as you felt their lips leave delicate kisses, hand tightening around your waist. You shut your eyes, reeling in the sensation as Hange's igniting touch drew shaky breaths. Thighs clenched together as their lips reached the base of your ear, teeth tugging at the skin. You whimpered, as Hange's hands grabbed at the top of your thighs, just underneath the curve of your ass as they directed you to the top of the desk. Placing themselves between your thighs, before whispering, "Will you indulge me, dear?" With another kiss on your ear, you crumbled, arms wrapping around Hange's neck as your legs folded around their waist.

"Please, Hange, I can't bear it," You panted, core clenching around nothing, as desperation took over. Hange sighed, hearing their name fall from your lips as your body trembled was a sight to behold. Their lips finally landed on yours, tongue pushing into your mouth. Quivering hands grabbed at the back of their head, tightening around Hange's hair, trying to release the buildup of tension in your bones.

Lips broke apart, "Do you know what it does me seeing you wear my clothes?" Voice impassioned, almost hoarse. The hand at your hip moved to the catches at your shirt, reminiscent of the way they grazed your skin that day. Undoing the catches, your abdomen and breasts exposed, goosebumps forming from the sudden coolness of the air. Hange observed as your stomach jerked, smirking as they watched how your body responded. Hand slipping in between the open fabric, meeting the bare skin as you gasped before the shirt slid off your shoulders and onto the cabin floor.

Hange whined at your revealed skin and dishevelled state, the most disordered they had seen you. Their hand cupped your breast, watching as your lips parted and the sweetest cries escaped. Fingers stroking at your hardened nipples, as your pants were slowly being dragged down your legs. Your hips squirmed as Hange went on their knees, head just at the top of your shins. One hand still massaged your nipple whilst the other was around your ankle, holding your leg in place as they lapped their tongue up the skin, retaining steady eye contact. As their tongue reached your inner thigh, your head hung back, and you bit back choked whimpers, hips jolting with anticipation.

"Hange," you rasped, squeezing your thighs around their head, your nails coming to meet the top of the back, "Yes, my dear?" "Please," you pleaded, you had already come this far, you needed to feel it through, you could barely sit up, losing strength in your back. "Patience, sweetheart,"

Fingers left your breasts and made their way to the hem of your underwear. Hange bit their lip at the line of the dampness that had seeped through the thin fabric. "Fuck," they mumbled, tugging the material down where it remained hanging at your ankles, so dishevelled, so messy.

The tips of Hange’s slender fingers reached your dripping heat, arousal covering your thighs as they ghosted sensual touches over your warm slit, puffed and leaking. Thighs tensing as the feeling released itself as strangled whines. Hange was obsessed, exhilarated by the sweet sounds that left your dear lips.

“Fuck, Hange,” Hips rolling into their fingers, pressing closer for more touch, chasing the sensation as it came, "That feels fucking good," "Such rotten language," Hange taunted, the tip of their finger burying into your soaking entrance, stretching the silky walls, “Looks like I’ve been a bad influence,”

Leaving a few more kisses on your thigh, Hange stood back up to reconnect your lips, teeth nibbling at your bottom lip. The kiss successfully distracted you, as more fingers entered, slowly rocking into your flesh, as bliss overtook the initial sting. Hips began to tilt, grinding against the pressure. The sounds leaving you were indecent, vulgar, as Hange augmented the pace, rocking their fingers into you. Suddenly you were glad for the singing out in the deck, obscuring the noise within the cabin. Your head fell into their neck, whining as you could only sit there and take it. Fingers stuffing your swollen centre, pressing against the squishy barriers.

The muscles in your abdomen tensed, clenching around Hange's fingers as your hips buckled. "That's it, dear, you're taking it so, so well," Your eyebrows pinched together, voice escaping you, "Taking me like such a good girl,". Hange spoke, voice purring. That was the nail in the coffin; the honey in their words, the strain in their voice as you felt your release shattering through you. Hips convulsed as your arousal spilled all over Hange's fingers, grabbing their shoulders for support. A few more pumps and Hange removed their fingers, looking down at your clenching hole at the trickling cum, their hand completely drenched.

Hange kissed you, before you broke away and uttered words that led Hange to understand they could never have their fill, "More, please," you begged, voice breathy and whiny as you tightened your legs around their waist. Chuckling, endeared Hange responded, "My, my, dear, you're truly filthy."

Hange moved themselves down to your pussy, still swollen despite its release. With a quick glance back towards you, cheeks flustered and eyes black. Desire tensed your features as your chest heaved up and down, breasts exposed and legs spread, quaking. Such a heavenly sight.

A touch over your slit, Hange spat on your folds, the sight eliciting languid moans from you. It truly was filthy. Pussy clenching with desperation as it grazed you, spreading down your slit with the weight of gravity. Hange pressed their tongue against it, carelessly lapping up the cum that had been leaking out of you. Frenzied guttural groans liberated into your centre as they sucked, the vibrations left you reeling as your hand came to clasp your breast, kneading. Trailing over your own nipple, Hange was not about to accept that, slapping your hand away and rolling their fingers over the bud.

Overstimulation left you choking, tears spilling from your lids as Hange worked their warm tongue over your sensitive folds, drinking in the saltiness as one hand played with your nipple and the other ghosted over your opening. Thighs tightened around their head, cutting off Hange's air supply as you rutted your hips over their face, pushing yourself closer against their tongue. Nose nudging over your clit as their head bounced against you.

“Hange, fuck— I’m, mhm- I’m gonna cum, please let me come,” You babbled, stammering. Needy. You took them in, nose, chin and cheeks wet from your arousal, saliva running down; their eyebrows pulled together with determination and eyes rolling with indulgence, as if you were the tastiest meal they ever had. The taught restraint you had carried your entire life totally dissipated as you surrendered to Hange’s command over your body. Fingers filling into you, knuckles deep, rubbing over the squishy flesh. The added penetration forced out the second catharsis, sucking Hange in as you released over their face, tainting their glasses.

Resting your back on the desk, breaths heavy as you came down from whatever entity had possessed you. Panting. You covered your face with your hands, as your clandestine actions struck you. The drunken, indecent impropriety you fell into and enjoyed.

“No use being bashful now, my lady,” They teased, dragging away the hands that obscured your face. Grabbing your face, reconnecting your lips with gentle touches. Kisses so tender you couldn’t find it within yourself to see anything wrong.

How could something so honeyed be perverse?

—

um yeah, this is my application to hell…

[freaksstar]

ALIEN STAGE: ROUND 6

guys. i dont think you understand. i literally watched alien stage the whole time it was going right. i watched round 6 when it came out in april. shed a few tears. not a big deal. moped for an hour.

i decided last night, why not go watch it again?

i get to round 6

i start sobbing

wtf bro

why'd i have to go do that to myself

because now the more that i think about it the more tragic it is. the song, the little details, the eyes, the setting, I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS STOP IT 😭

im not coping very well currently so like idk how this is gonna turn out. might mope for the next WEEK and that isnt good cuz i need to ap bio homework. i cant ap bio homework when cure keeps playing on my spotify playlist because oh look i put it on loop. cure's the type of song that has me staring at a wall and all i can do is think about ivantill and then death.

so maybe i write a bit of alien stage soon!! to heal my broken heart. mizi and sua HURT, but they didn't hurt as bad as ivantill. mostly because it was the first round and i didn't know too much about them. sure, i cried, but i could only care so much.

idk i grew attached to ivantill. i don't even think it's ivan's death im acc sad about. YES, of course im sad about it, but i think im just more worried/scared to see how till reacts to all of this. does he regret it? does he loose in round 7? do ivan's efforts to keep him alive go in vain?

im gonna be fr rn, i actually think it would be better for my mental health if till died in round 7. DONT GET ME WRONG, i love till, he's actually tied with ivan for being my favorite character, but i think it'll hurt me more if in the end, till lives. because that means he can regret. that means he can be sad. and i think if both of them die, at least i can have a little peace of mind knowing that neither can be hurt anymore by the other's death. then again, if till gets saved by hyuna and mizi... not exactly complaining there.

luka... you're gorgeous but like the urge to punch you in the face... im conflicted.

yeah so that's that, stay tuned for other stuff i suppose!

[vxnillite]

fluffy ZNoah drabble

Summary: it's just them training with gay tension and pining i cant come up with titles to save my life, sorry

Word count: 2212

[Edit: ok so i forgot to post this on ig, but then thought to edit it while i was here. nothing much changed, it even got 4 words shorter lol]

"I'm clocking out early today."

Kroi looked up from his work with genuine surprise. "But you're usually the last one out," he said.

Noah talked as they packed a small backpack with their water bottle and a change of clothes. They shrugged. "Z's giving me self-defense training or whatever."

"You agreed?"

"Shocked myself, too, actually." Noah slung a single strap over their left shoulder. "But she did have a point. She doesn't always come along for the school visits, and while the Na'vi are really skilled fighters, I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing if I were able to defend myself."

Grace emerged from the adjoined room. She looked oodly smug as she asked, "Is that the only reason?"

Noah raised a brow. "Should there be another?"

Kroi and Grace exchanged looks but said nothing. The latter smiled and patted Noah on the shoulder.

"Well, you've done enough at the lab today," she said, "Great work, as always."

The young scientist couldn't help but blush a bit, a bubble of pride swelling in their chest. They smiled. "Thanks, Grace."

"Alright, go get your strictly necessary training."

Kroi beamed, "See you at dinner, Noah!"

A slightly perplexed Noah waved goodbye as they left through the vacuum doors of the lab. They haven't told a soul, but they'd begun to notice the weird pattern of reaction whenever they mentioned the soldier to their friends, but Noah had never thought much of it, except that it was probably just a bunch of friendly yet fruitless teasing.

When the doors hissed to a close, then the other two scientists burst into lighthearted laughter.

"How are they so clueless," Kroi mused, "Z-Dog could outright tell Noah and they still wouldn't believe her."

"I made a bet with Dr. Patel that Noah might notice in two weeks."

The doctor mentioned chimed in from the other room, "You might as well hand me the money now, Dr. Augustine. That kid's never gonna notice that soldier girl's got a crush on them."

----------

Noah's phone buzzed incessantly while they were on their way to the SecOps wing, much to their annoyance. They already knew who was blowing their phone up and thought it better to just walk the entire way in relative peace. A few paces later, their phone still wouldn't shut up, so Noah yanked their phone out of their pocket and read the messages.

'u out yet?'

'where r u'

'hurry up im bored'

'stop ignoring my texts'

'damn u slow'

"Puta, ingay," Noah muttered to themselves as they punched in a response.

'omw :P'

'walk faster'

'no'

'oh i forgot'

'short legs ;)'

With a sharp click of the tongue, Noah quickly shoved their phone back in their pocket. The thought of just turning right back around and heading to their sleeping quarters instead seemed rather enticing now. As of late, Z had become bolder with teasing Noah around like that, and it's been driving them insane. The dumb jokes and that stupid laugh she made whenever she got a reaction out of Noah… All of it would be stuck in their head for hours, and Noah didn't know how to deal with it.

They started walking faster as they recognized the corridor leading to the SecOps training rooms. The volume of soldiers passing by was growing by the meter. Noah could feel the confused looks that some were throwing at them, while others, thankfully, seemed like they didn't give a crap about the scientist.

Noah looked closely at the room labels placed above the doors, trying to recall the room number Z had told them to go to—without much success.

Just how many training rooms do a bunch of these grease monkey musclebrains need?

Unfortunately, after racking their brain a bit more in vain, Noah had no choice but to ask Z. They were impatient enough as is, and they genuinely couldn't remember that tiny bit of information to save their life. They groaned as they pulled their phone back out of their pocket.

'room?'

'u forgot? :('

'nvm im going back'

Somewhere beside Noah, a bubblegum popped. "And, here I thought you were excited for training."

Noah jumped back a bit at Z just suddenly materializing in front of them. How did they not notice her?

Quickly composing themselves, Noah cleared their throat and said, "Stop playing games already. You were the one telling me to hurry up, weren't you?"

Z chuckled as she ruffled the scientist's hair. "Just wanted to see you sooner," she said, "Is that so wrong?"

Noah frantically pushed the hand off their head and looked around at the crowd in a panic. "Ugh, can you even hear yourself," they chided in hushed tones, "Just—! Let's just get to training already!"

They stormed off, and Z, knowing better, chased after Noah and pulled them along to the training room they'd be using, which was in the opposite direction that Noah was marching off to. Upon arrival, Noah checked first if it was empty. It was one of their conditions for this series of self-defense training with Z. The latter agreed, actually finding it ideal for her, too.

Satisfied that there was nary a human being in the room aside from them, Noah put their backpack down on a bench and plopped down beside it.

They looked up at Z expectantly. "So, what are we gonna do first," they asked.

Z stood across them, arms crossed under her chest. "First, have you ever had any sort of physical training before?"

Noah recounted their experiences on their fingers. "Failed high school phys-ed, used medical notes throughout college… Oh, and Kevin tried teaching me, but I guess I was a terrible student because I didn't learn shit."

"Oh, wow," Z chuckled, "We better get started then." 

The soldier cocked her head towards the small black bin by the door and spat the gum in her mouth straight in. The small spectacle shouldn't have been of any note to Noah, but it was. The fact lingered in the back of their mind, but they did their best to not let it show.

"Warm-up first," Z said as she motioned Noah over to the mat, "Some basic stretches can't be too hard for you, right?"

Noah snickered, "Don't count on it yet."

"Alright, nerd. Just follow my lead."

Z started doing some basic stretches. Noah seemed to be following along okay, but they kept tumbling over or losing their balance. At some point, it concerned Z, and she stopped stretching. When she spared Noah a little exasperated stare, the scientist stood up and looked back at her, confused.

"What's wrong?"

"Do the stretch we just did."

Although their brow was still raised, Noah just shrugged, then went back into the stretch. Z walked around them, humming in thought. When she came back to her spot, she had her conclusion.

"Your posture sucks, Noah," she said, trying not to laugh.

Noah immediately straightened up and clutched their braids, their eyes averted from Z in embarrassment in a fruitless attempt to hide their blushing face and ears. "Stop fucking giggling, you pinhead," they retorted, "It's not that bad!"

"Dude," the soldier wheezed, "It's why you keep falling over. It is that bad."

Noah twisted on their heel and began to storm off when Z caught their shoulders, then pulled them back towards the mat. "Don't just give up like that, idiot," she chuckled, "I didn't say I wouldn't help you."

"Still took a fucking sweet time to mock me, though," they huffed as they were dragged.

Z let them settle their feet back on the mat. "Alright, now do the stretch again."

"No."

"Noah."

"Ugh, fine."

A snarl and a string of curses came through as Noah redid the stretch. Z told them to relax as she went behind them and started correcting Noah's stance. But when she went to try and hold onto Noah's side, they jerked back and made a noise between a squeak and a yelp.

Noah, absolutely mortified, looked back at Z. It took the soldier a few seconds to process what she'd just heard.

"Was that… Was that you?"

Noah could feel their ears burning as frustration and humiliation created chaos within them. "You didn't fucking hear that!"

Z absolutely heard it, and she was suddenly in hysterics. "Noah, you're ticklish? Hah!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Oh my god. That's just cute," Z smirked, "Who would've thought?"

Noah thought their ticklishness was something stupid, embarrassing, and totally unbecoming of them — but never 'cute'. That tiny comment echoed in Noah's head, as well as the loud pounding of their heart. It felt extremely weird that, no matter how hard they thought, they couldn't come up with anything to snark back at Z with. So they just stood there, stunned, hair pulled over their reddened ears. The same couldn't be done to hide their face though, as it burned a deep, cherry red.

"You're blushing," the soldier teased.

Noah hissed, "I know that!"

Z's laughter trailed into a softer chuckle, then she asked, "How sensitive are you?"

Silence.

Z put a hand on her waist, looking expectantly at Noah. "I'm not trying to tease. I'm asking so I know how to help you in training."

Noah answered reluctantly, "It's really bad when I'm taken by surprise, like what you did just now. But I think if I see it coming…  it wouldn't bother me as much."

Having absorbed that little bit of information, Z went behind Noah again. As she guided them into the right position, she'd tell Noah beforehand if she was going to touch them and where. Noah still jerked back on reflex, but they tolerated the annoying tingling sensations until they actually eased into a sense of comfort. The feeling of Z's firm, heavy grip lingered on the areas she would touch, and it rendered Noah quite complacent to the soldier's instructions and helplessly flustered from the tiniest bits of praise.

When they got through the warm-up, Noah could barely feel their muscles burning over the heat they felt in their face. As soon as Z stepped away from them, Noah ran to the bench and chugged their water, purposefully turned away from Z as they mentally tried to calm themselves down.

It wasn't working that well.

"If you were that thirsty, you could've told me," Z said, both teasing and concerned. "And, don't drown yourself."

Noah drank almost the entire bottle of water and was panting as if they'd run a marathon when they put the tumbler down. They wiped away any stray water trails with the back of their hand, then turned back around to face Z.

"What's next," they huffed, expression steeled as if they weren't blushing crazily just moments ago.

Cute, Z thought. She stifled her laughter out of consideration for Noah's determination. "Alright, we'll start with the basics: just punching and kicking. Nothing too complicated"

An hour later, Noah was lying spread-eagled on the mat, drenched in sweat and eyes closed as they struggled to catch their breath. Every muscle in their body was screaming and Noah listened to their plea. They stayed still on the mat while Z looked on.

She snickered, "So, want to move on to lesson 2?"

Noah raised a middle finger at her, only for it to drop back down on the mat. They earned a hearty laugh from the soldier.

Z got her tumbler and Noah's towel from their bag, then handed both items to them, whom she had to pull up to a sitting position. They flung the towel on their head and started chugging down the bottle. It was empty in seconds.

"Ah, shit," they muttered, frowning at the empty bottle. Then they looked up at Z, their gaze soft and apologetic. "Sorry about that."

Z sat beside them. "Nah, it's fine," she said, "I've got an extra bottle in my bag."

"I'm real shitty at this physical stuff," Noah sighed. Training was rough, but halfway through it , they actually started having fun. They had to admit—and they really didn't expect it—their teacher was a pretty good one. But they couldn't help but feel bad about being so crap at following her directions at times.

Z laughed, "Yeah, you are." She patted Noah on the back and smiled. "But, you did good today. Tripped a few times, but hey, baby steps, right?"

Noah lightened up at the comment. "Right," they nodded. "Oh, by the way, I've got a pack of bubblegum in my bag. It's your favorite."

"You remember my favorite bubble gum flavor?"

"Uh, yeah, 'cus you're never not chewing on one."

Z suddenly tackled Noah into a headlock, laughing loudly as they tried to squirm out from under her arm to no avail.

"Isn't that sweet of you," she chuckled.

"Gago, bitawan mo nga 'ko!" [T/N: Let go of me!]

They tried pushing her off, but Noah's arms were twigs in strength compared to Z's. Yet as they cursed out the soldier, Noah was grinning and laughing along with her. Eventually, Z loosened her arm around their neck, and rested it over their shoulder. They didn't try to remove it.

"Same time tomorrow," they asked.

"You don't mind?"

Noah shook their head. Z grinned.

"It's a date, then."

[zvezdacito]

Standing by what i said that malleus is probably tied with jamil in having the most systemic issue caused OB and circunstances that they really can't just "personally overcome" in a way that isnt just 'erm yolo make the best out of it'

Not to say the rest of the OBers are just whining/ just have to get over their past easily/there were no systemic factors at play at all (systemic vulnerability of children against adults, and azul being from a possibly looked-down-on merspecies was a huge part of why he was singled out) But theyre sort of in a position to walk away from that bad place thats perpetuating the brunt of their sadness and regret

It would be OOC given their ambitions and values but characters like Vil or Leona do HAVE the option to just leave and do something else. Riddle has a chance of cutting off his mom after he graduates and grow further from there. Azul is mostly just dealing with the aftereffects of long past bullying (which is not an easy trauma to overcome regardless of time or age) but since it's no longer presently happening, we can be optimistic that nothing he's currently feeling will be that aggravated, and he can fully move on in the future given his current progress in the story

But even if for example Jamil finally overcame all his internalized baggage regarding centering Kalim and what he does. He's still gonna be bound to the servitude while having to consider his actions' consequences on his family, and no personal action will be the deciding factor on setting him or them free (it's up to Kalim's kindness, which no one can doubt, but that it's literally not up to any personal development Jamil could strive for is the point)

And even if Malleus just "got over" the current few people in his life dying (something he's understandably paranoid about because even the circunstances of his birth are his parents being unexpectedly killed via factors outside their control despite their power) and he did become more mindful, he still has the colonial/wartime consequences in his country affecting everything he does and has to do. This would also prevent him from just making new friendships and etc (because his responsibility needs him to be a symbol before a person)

Also its not like Malleus didnt already try to be selfless and suck it up. The whole reason his OB happened is literally because he did TOO MUCH of that causing him to snap at the opportunity Imao

Malleus probably also has the pressure of not letting his parents' sacrifices be in vain making sure he can never just easily walk away from his childhood conditioning even if it seems simple from an outside perspective

TLDR for this part: If push came to shove, unlike others Jamil and Malleus do not even HAVE the choice to presently leave (without screwing over family and other people relying on them anyway)

I guess apart from the both of them, there's also Idia being (literally) cursed to be the styx heir. But in my opinion staying there is not what mainly aggravated his guilt and self-loathing so its not as intrinsic of a factor despote also being smth he cant just walk away from. (This is just my judgement of it tho Idia fans correct me if im wrong about how much being trapped as STYX heir is separable or inseparable from Idia's OB trauma)

But meanwhile for Jamil and Malleus the systemic circumstances they can't walk away from ARE whats directly perpetuating their immediate struggles. Even if they did have some realizations and make an effort to be better, not being able to escape the environment constantly demanding this response from them would make it very hard to not relapse into those toxic behaviors and mindsets

So yeah this was a pretty disorganized ramble mostly just raw stream of thoughts. I blame people choosing to interpret overblotters in exceedingly inconsiderate ways on Book 1 Ace /j

Ace of course said it in a very blunt way because that's what fits his character and at the moment that was needed to start a chain reaction of events/finally pushing Trey to action after years of fear. BUT IT DOESN'T LITERALLY MEAN THE ONLY REASON ABUSE VICTIMS ACT TRAUMATIZED IN THE YEARS TO COME IS BECAUSE "THEY JUST KEEP LETTING IT HAPPEN" 😭😭😭 Bro we are the omniscient audience we have the benefit of being able to come to more nuanced, rational and well-rounded conclusions because we're outside looking in why are we still thinking like this

^ Described Riddle's case specifically for this but this applies to how people talk about most of the overblotter's trauma and how they act because of it lol😭

malleus is not a “tragic character”

Born late

no parents

took 200 years to hatch

isolated

Separated from his father

snuck out to visit family

alone and worshipped

can’t express himself

….not tragic…right 🫠

[cvntdracvla]

Ok sooooo ummmm penny for your thoughts on all this???

okay hello! hi this shits All Over the place so forgive me for this mess

sooo we all knew what we were getting ourselves into right. we knew what this was. a toxic relationship between Vampires. not ur run of the mill romcom. a gothic romance. this is a regular sunday for gothic romance enjoyers lol

lestat punched through a mans HEAD in the first episode & then turned around n gave a Beautiful heart touching speach ab how much he loves louis. hes has never shied away from violence. they r vampires. they feed on ppls blood n kill to survive so why is this such a big suprise to everybody ???

yeah i was suprised they would go there n really lean into the gothic part. but this is not a relationship between two men. they have supernatural abilities, speed, strength etc. n can do all kinds of shit. this is not exactly a shocker now is it ???

louis has self-admitedly been poking n proding lestat. constantly reminding him of claudia, being cruel to him n ignoring him. lestats love is all consuming, encompasing. hes a hedonist who lives to indulge himself. n they have been baricading in the town house for 7 long years. louis wouldnt even speak to him, has been feeding on animals so u can imagine what kinda company he was for lestat whos longing to be loved n to feel his love. ppl have been saying that there are "two brothers" living in their house. am i justifiying lestat beating louis to a pulp ??? no. but he did have his reasons to snap.

claudia has been Real stupid w her kills, acting like a child, which she only looks like n has not been for a while. n when lestat has to deal w louis n claudia constantly moping around screaming ??? i would have been a bigger bitch than him. he only made her a vampire on louis request, nay Begging. he never wanted to be a father and honestly cant blame him. its not just family drama n nuisance now police r lichrally Monitoring them. n then claudia blames him for everything n somehow louis is absolved of his crimes cuz they have a special connection lestat n her dont. his parenting is sadistic but on the other hand, louis' is too human. when none of them are humans anymore and the human rules no longer apply.

so she goes out into the world, sees that independence is not All That its cracked up to be and then comes back to take louis from lestat ??? n now lestats panicking cuz he sees how louis suffered & longer for her & suddenly shes asking him to chose between him and her. so hes reasonably affraid that louis will leave him for her. especially after the downfall of their relationship cuz its been Rough babygirl.

and then they start speaking w thier minds n he goes crazy cuz he could never do that w them. so hes helpless n resorts to violence. backed into a corner so what r u gonna do? when claudia says "let him go. its me you want." n its like No baby its exactly the opposite. he only wanted louis for himself. he never wanted tou and he never wanted to share his love and he says it himself.

and THEN he hits us w "i have waited... i have patiently waited in vain... for you to love me... as i love you" he basically said reject me so i can move on lol.

also "all vampires are created from trauma" when u think ab the way lestat has been created........ hits different

so TLDR what im saying lestat is a cunt but not for no reason. emotional abuse can hurt just as bad as physical can and when its all said and done they All have their fucking problems (lestat most lets be real), but thats why we love them n thats why i tune in for the fucking drama & the poetry & beauty & horror this show gives me. they understand love is pain, its complicated and its all consuming etc etc

[galaticrow546]

Ok so i started to write this before chapter 9 even came out sooo yeh :'), idk i just wanted to write something about a "what If Blue and Ink finally got little Dream back but Dream is acting in a way they didnt expect" and yeh i tried-

Anyways, OSD belongs to @calcium-cat ( seriously go check them out the story is good and her art is neat af )

Ah yes, a new day, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, everything is peaceful, Blue sighs relieved and sips his coffee while sitting on the fluffy blue couch, reading a book about a hero perhaps? Blue noticed how little he was paying attention, but its fine right? He feels like today is going to be a good day-

*Thump*

Well, today WAS a good day, It seems that the tiny guardian just woke up, and unfortunately, Dream hasnt been in the best mood or behavior ever since they got him out of Night’s castle, he has no Idea why Dream is so angry at them, Neither Blue nor Ink know why, but Dream sure wasnt taking It well.

As the small angry child approached the couch, Blue quickly stood up and faced him:

-“Good morning dear, how are yo-“

-“No”

Blue paused and blinked, its not a new thing that Dream wasnt up for talking, but for one month straight? Blue wouldnt say It out loud, but he was getting sad at the situation:

-“....right” Blue said sadly

As the angry looking child stared at Blue, Ink got down the stairs in a white blue-striped pajamas:

-“Hey yall, good morni-“

Dream quickly hissed and got ready to jump at Ink, in which Ink hissed playfully in return, but this got the toddler even more angry, after a minute, the toddler started to hit ink’s legs with his tiny hands, but they hardly hurt Ink, as Ink playfully mocks Dream, he gets more motivated to hit Ink like there is no tommorrow, Blue silently watches them from afar, he wished the toddler didnt hit or hiss at Ink so much.

Blue silently left the living room and went to the kitchen to grab something for Ink to eat, today was his turn to patrol the multiverse while Blue stays and takes care of Dream, as he explored the kitchen, he quickly made a sandwich and took a banana, then placing It in the bag and wrapping it up nicely, as he finished, he quickly left the kitchen and went back into the living room:

-“Ink, take this bag with you in the patrol, remember to drink water and to take a little break If you want to- oh c’mon“

Blue glared at the scene in front of him, Ink was holding Dream wrapped in a blanket, the toddler was screaming and wriggling in the blanket furiously, Ink just giggled and sometimes told him to calm down, only to be answered with a death stare from the child in return.

Ink quickly stared at Blue with a grin:

-“Uh, oh? Were you saying something Blue?”

Blue quietly glared at Ink with a tired gaze and then pointed at the bag, the bag had a text written in It saying “for patrol”, Ink silently looked at It:

-“...what?...oh-“

Ink quickly left the angry toddler at the sofa as It squirmed himself free from the blanket, hurried towards Blue and took the bag, as he was heading towards the door, Blue quickly grabbed a fistfull of his clothes, as Ink looked back at him with a confused glare:

-“Your clothes, you are still in pajamas Ink“ Blue slightly grinned

Ink paused and glared at himself, and then a look of realization made its way on his face, he thanked Blue for reminding him and hurriedly ran back to his bedroom to change.

The toddler in the sofa eventually made his way out of the blanket and slowly walked towards Blue with the blanket in hands, eventually he silently gave It to Blue and then walked away to the kitchen.

Blue stood confused and with the blanket in hands, eventually folding It and heading to Dream’s bedroom, eventually placing It on his yellow fluffy bed, Blue looked at the bed for a while, its hard to not remember the times when Dream was with them and when he wasnt a angry child, he wished Dream could open up to them just like he did in the past.

He hasnt realized that Ink was staring at him from the bedroom door, silently waiting for Blue to turn around, but eventually, Ink went in and hugged Blue from the side of his body, Blue jumped a little and looked at Ink, he just stared back with a serious expression, eventually smiling at Blue, this made Blue giggle a little as they both made their way outside Dream’s bedroom.

As they were getting down the stairs, Dream silently stared at them with a bored face, Ink playfully greets him as Dream ignores the greeting, eventually, Ink and Blue made their ways to the front door, Ink hurriedly says goodbye to both of them as he left, Blue quickly screamed behind:

-“HAVE A GOOD DAY PATROLLING, AND BE CAREFUL”

Ink looked back and waved at Blue, and then, he was gone, Blue sighed as he returned back home, he was about to sit down before hearing a strange sound in the kitchen, he blinked and sighed yet again, heading to the kitchen

Blue arrived at the kitchen only to see Dream sitting in the counter drinking a cup of water while looking bored, he paused and stared at Blue, he then looked back at his water and kept drinking It:

-“Dream, get down from there please” Blue started

-“Hmmmmmm no” replied Dream while looking at his now empty cup

Blue stared at Dream with a serious expression, as he approached the tiny guardian, Dream was busy refilling his cup:

-“Dream im serious-“

-“Nah“

Blue paused in front of Dream, the guardian stared back with a bored but relaxed look as he sipped from his now refilled cup, but quickly screamed a little when Blue suddenly grabbed him and brought him to his eye level, Blue looked at him silently before he spoke up:

-“Get off the counter, you might fall and get hurt“

Dream stayed silently and looked nervously at Blue, only to gulp and slowly wrap his hands around Blue, as Blue brought him down gently

Dream nervously looked up at Blue with cup on hands, the other stared back with a sigh and a frown, Dream quickly drank his water and gave the empty wet cup to the skeleton in front of him, only to run away right after, Blue blinks silently, and then immediatly follows him after putting the cup on the counter

As Blue got in the living room, Dream was sitting on the sofa with a bored expression, that quickly changed to a angry stare once he spotted Blue:

-“...what?“

Dream stayed silent, but after a while, spoke up:

-“...why?“

-“Why what?“

-“Why did you guys take me away from my brother?”

-“Your brother is evi-“

Dream gasped in offense, eyes wide and with a expression of disgust:

-“MY brother is the sweetest and nicest person i know! Stop saying nonsense!“

Blue paused terrified at the sudden reply, did Night brainwash him somehow? If he did, how could he fix that now? He needed to act quick:

-“But the people he is with are also evi-“

-“Stop“

Blue stared at the angry child, he felt himself getting more determined to tell Dream the truth about his “family” as Dream likes to call them, but apparently, the kid didnt want to listen, as Blue opened his mouth to say something else, Dream interrupted:

-“Do you even know what you’re talking about? I dont want to talk with someone who associates himself with the mean Ink guy who hurt my brother and who also hurt Cross, dont think i forgot the day you both took me away“

Blue stood silent, the kid had a point, but he didnt think Dream would actually hold a grudge against Ink or him, coming to think about It, the grudge with Ink should be stronger now, after all, Cross was alone with Dream when they invaded Night’s castle, It was weird, but a opportunity to get their friend back, and Dream tried to protect Cross so much, but It was all in vain as Ink injured Cross severely, he will never forget the horrified look on Dream’s face when he saw Cross hurt and almost passing out, and the expression of anger that came right after was dreadful.

Ink grabbed Dream with no problem, but then constantly tried to keep Dream from squirming and hitting them, begging to be let go, Blue just followed right after, but It seems that their relationship became even more strained when Ink began taking almost everything he said as a joke, Dream didnt even talk with them that day, and hissed angrily whenever they tried to approach him, its weird to think that this happened a month ago.

Blue didnt notice how long he has been silent and lost in thought, by the time he noticed that, he also noticed that the child was still staring at him angrily, as If he was expecting a response, but It quickly turned into an annoyed expression as Dream spoke up annoyed:

-“Ugh, nevermind, I’ll just go to my room“

Blue tried to tell Dream to wait up, but the toddler could care less to hear him, as Dream’s bedroom door closed up with a loud thud.

Blue looked up to the closed door sadly, but he knew that Dream needed some time, everytime those fights happened, It would always end with Dream getting in his room angrily, Blue cant help but feel bad whenever he heard sniffles coming from inside the room when he walked in front of It.

Blue heads to the kitchen to perhaps make something to eat for himself, that will distract him right? right.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

He forgot how long Dream usually stayed there, sometimes It would last hours upon hours, but sometimes only minutes, but no matter how long It lasted, It still hurts Blue to the core, he hated seeing Dream all sad, he could manage to deal with na angry Dream, but with a sad Dream who is not willing to talk? He just couldnt.

Blue was sitting on the sofa yet again while he was thinking about It, as he looked outside the nearby window, It was already sunset, he decided to at least see how Dream was doing since the sniffling and the muffled cries have stopped, as he got up from the sofa and walked towards the bedroom door, he paused and looked at the door sadly, carefully paying attention to the sounds, but nothing was heard from inside, with a worried feeling, Blue slowly turned the handle to the side, opening the door carefully and taking a peep inside, only to see Dream silently looking at a piece of paper with tears on his eyes, he seemed so tired, yet so sad, Blue felt a heartbreak start to become clearer on his soul, he slowly and careful got in, carefully approaching the sad child, hoping that he could at least comfort It, but as he approached further, Dream quickly looked scared at his direction while hiding the paper from Blue’s view:

-“...its ok, you dont have to show It to me“

Dream stayed silent, tears still on his eyes, he began to curl up protectively and shake, Blue looked nervously and stopped approaching, just looking at the child with an sad look, they both stayed in silence staring at each other until Blue asked softly:

-“Are you ok with me approaching you a little?“

Dream stared silently, some minutes have passed before he nodded slowly, Blue began slowly approaching the crying child, being careful to not make any moves that might scare Dream further, Dream began to slowly uncurl himself up and looked up at Blue, with his arms protecting the paper, Blue stopped and began assuring the kid:

-“Its ok, I wont take It or destroy It in any way, you can stay with It“

The tiny child seemed relieved but doubtful when Blue assured that, Blue began to once again approach the small child, then bending to his level once he got close enough, Blue stared at Dream with a soft look, Dream stared back with a blank stare, heavy breaths could be heard from the tiny kid, Blue carefully approached his hand towards Dream, the little one staring at It with a worried look, but then, as Blue’s hand touched his skull gently, Dream stopped breathing for a moment, confused as to why Blue was doing this and why was his gloves so soft, Dream didnt move at all for a moment, but then slowly rubbed his head on Blue’s hand, Blue moved along and asked the child If he was ok with It, Dream nodded gently as Blue took his hand away.

Dream blinked confused, but as Blue’s hands began drying his tears, he started speaking:

-“...I want to suggest something, but I will only do so If you are willing to hear me“

Dream stared at Blue, and then nodded curiously, Blue wont admit It, but he feels incredibly happy that Dream is starting to somewhat trust him:

-“A-alrighty, so, I suggest that we try to start listening to each other carefully-“

Dream opened his mouth with a little angry expression, but quickly backed down when Blue started to speak again:

-“It doesnt have to be a fight, It can be a calm conversation where we listen to each other and maybe even understand each other“

The little child softly stared at Blue, then looking to the side as If he was thinking about the suggestion, and then asked softly:

-“...will you be willing to listen to me?“

Blue smiled softly:

-“Of course Dream“

Dream sighed in relief, and gently approached Blue, his hand gently wrapping around the tiny guardian, Dream slowly analizes Blue, staring at his clothes and his face as Blue just let him, and before Blue knew It, he was shaking with joy, his little friend was now trusting him and looked somewhat calm, but for Blue, It was everything, Dream worriedly looked up at him when he noticed the sudden shaking and the overly happy look on the skeleton’s face:

-“Uhhhh, are you ok mister?“

-“Y-yeah“ Blue answered happily

Dream’s face approached further and started to analize the monster’s excited face, and It seemed to get even more excited the more Dream approached, but Blue couldnt handle It when a tiny hand started poking his face, Blue fell on his back and Dream squeaked in surprise, falling over to his back as well, but then getting up and rushing to Blue:

-“Um, uh, are you sure you’re ok?“

Blue stayed silent, little Dream approached further and poked his cheek various times, he was getting worried about the tall skeleton, but then noticed the big smile on Its face, Dream paused and looked at the smile, poking It at the process, Blue got spooked and looked up at the child poking him:

-“Huh? Uhhh...oh! Yeah im fine, dont worry Dreamy“

The child gave a small relieved sigh, and then smiled softly while lightly hitting Blue’s arm:

-“You scared me for a moment“

-“Heh, sorry“

Blue stared at Dream with a wide grin, as Dream suddenly turned around and laid down on his back above Blue like he was a matress, Blue squeaked with surprise and was about to ask what he was doing before noticing his eyes closed, Dream looked quite relaxed, and Blue didnt want to ruin that, so he watched as the child slowly fell asleep on his body, petting him gently as he did so, he doesnt know exactly what will happen from now on, but he is excited to see what the future holds.

[raven]

i was looking through the notes of a post about ariana grande and found this and im not gonna put the person who wrote them on blast bc theyre a kid but this is... such a bad take. once you ban plastic surgery for "appearance based" reasons you are just giving insurance companies and doctors more ammunition to deny people life changing, but not necessarily life saving surgeries. it's hard enough to get literally any medical care at all so like... bad idea

anyways im gonna rant about breast reductions. if you have a small frame your breasts can look significantly smaller than they actually are and it can be hard to believe how much they affect your life. i went to a doctor who straight up told me I don't have H cup breasts when... i literally do. other doctors have told me that its obviously not necessary because they dont really notice it (because of my attempts to minimize them in every way). or because thats just something women should deal with! I don't want a completely flat chest, i am nonbinary but its not a gender affirmation issue. my breasts make it hard to move and breathe and cause severe pain sometimes, but isnt that just how normal bodies are? If i could just straught up say "i need a breast reduction, I don't like my breasts" and be able to get that covered by insurance, it would be SO MUCH EASIER. cant i have some ownership of my body? cant i decide what is best for me? i already have to jump through so many hoops to prove that my breasts are a defect. i wish i could be trusted to understand that i have been fighting against them my whole life and im simply tired of it. but no, im just... vain or something, or im crazy and need therapy. more laws to limit "elective" surgery is just more laws to limit medical care.

[thiswasinevitableid]

Can you do 60 for indruck, NSFW? Thank you so much! Love your work!

Here it is! I set it in the same world as this sternclay fill. Credit to @bellafarallones for playing in this space on discord. Apollo is from my Super hero AU

“All I’m sayin is it seems mighty unfair to me that one fella gets a handler-assistant type deal and the rest of us don’t.” Duck crosses his arms as Ned fiddles with the pen on his desk.

“You’re not wrong, dear boy, but Apollo was in high demand from the higher ups-”

“Because he’s a shallow dipshit with a mean streak who’ll be good for ratings?”

“Precisely. He demanded in his contract that we allow his twin to continue his work as his photographer and assistant. He has over a million followers on Instagram, so those photos will be a boost to the show. Just try to get along for the camera’s?”

“His brother ain’t even on camera.” Duck mutters.

“I meant with Apollo.”

Duck shrugs, defeated, “sure thing, Ned.”

As he walks back to the main house, he mulls over the fact that the twin (Indrid, he thinks that’s the guys name) bugs him more than Apollo does. Apollo is vain, mean, and selfish, but at least that gets him things, even makes sense for the kind of show they’re on. Indrid gains nothing by helping him out here. Except protection from the bully, which Duck finds to be the worst kind of cowardice. Hopefully Vincent, this season’s bachelor, will see through the “influencer” and send him packing ASAP.

-------------------------------------

Four weeks in, and this is exactly what Duck was worried about. Not only is Indrid hovering around his brother like a nervous moth (excet when cameras are near, at which point he ducks out of frame), he’s doing fucking nothing to reign him in.

A few frontrunners are starting to emerge, and with that claws are coming out. Barclay, a chef and all around nice guy, is the target of choice. Nico and Josh both took bites out of him this morning. But Apollo sunk his teeth in like a dog on a fox, calling him, among other things, a pathetic, six-foot puppy dog who no man would ever want. The cook left noticeably teary eyed. Duck was about to block the cameras from following when Joseph beat him to it. Which is weird, because he thought Joe couldn’t stand Barclay. Apollo flounces off, but Duck corners Indrid where he’s been stoically watching his brother be a raging asshole.

“What the fuck man?”

‘Wrong twin.” Indrid says flatly, indicating his silver hair, tied back in a half-bun. His dark roots are showing and his eyebrows are black, unlike Apollo’s immaculate blonde dye job and bleached brows.

“Nope, right one. You’re his handler, cant’ you fuckin intervene when he’s doin’ shit like that? Or are you just here to let him hurt whoever he feels like?”

Indrid fixes him with a bitter smile, “If there were a way to make my brother be kind or, indeed, see others as people, don’t you think I’d have found it and used it everyday since?”

“I-”

“You people have no idea how much I’m already doing. I kept him from going after you yesterday by reminding him he looks ugly when he yells on camera. And if nothing else console yourself with the fact you all have only to deal with him for a few months. Some of us have endured twenty-eight years of it.”

With that, he turns and stalks from the room. As he leaves, Duck can’t shake the thought that his black denim jacket and worn jeans fit him better than Apollo’s designer ones ever could.

-----------------------------------

Indrid understands why there’s so much alcohol on set, but he can’t partake (too bitter) and it makes Apollo even harder to handle than usual. Which is why Indrid is out on the grounds at ten p.m, intending to hide from his brother until dawn.

At six weeks in, fan favorites are getting more established and Indrid, needing to predict Apollo’s mood in order to do his job, is keeping a close eye on them. His twin is well-liked for being snarky and hot, though he suspects the large number of contestants means there have been limited chances for his unpleasant side to be showcased. Joseph is another, because of course he is, movie-star handsome with an interesting past. Barclay is beloved for the very things that the other contestants torment him for. And Duck? Duck is quickly becoming the one people think Vincent will choose.

Indrid thinks they’re right. He’s charming in an understated way, funny, and while Apollo needles him for his “dad bod,” Indrid and Vincent have both noticed the muscles in his arms. Who gives a damn about flat abs? Indrid would much rather have something soft to rest his head on while those green eyes look lovingly down at him. His crush on Duck is useless, persistent, and must be hidden from Apollo at all costs.

His foot catches something solid and he tumbles over the obstacle to land ass-first on the lawn.

“Ow.” He glares at the object. The object turns out to be Duck Newton, who's obviously drunk as he sits up.

“Sorry man, thought no one’d come out here. Oh it’s you, it's, uh, fuck, fuck c'mon” he snaps his fingers as he searches his thoughts, “It's cute Apollo!”

“Indrid.” Surely Duck didn’t mean to use that adjective. Right?

“No, I’m Duck?”

He snickers, “No, I meant I’m Indrid.”

“Ohhh, right. You're Indrid. I'm Duck. That's the big dipper” He points at the sky. Indrid follows the line and grins, delighted.”

“It is!”

“Uhhuh. C'mere, can show you more.” Duck pats the spot beside him and lays back. Indrid scoots closer and reclines as well, making appreciative sounds each time Duck shows him a constellation.

As they’re studying the sky, the other man whispers, “Can I tell you a secret? I, I think Joe’n Barclay are into each other now."

“The way they look at each other is not exactly subtle.”

‘“Heh, yeah.” he links his hands across his belly, “I think they're in love. You ever been in love?”

“No.” He sighs, not wanting to dwell on that pile of baggage, “You?”

“Nope. And, uh, don’t, don’t tell anyone but I don't think I am with Vincent. Maybe I could be? Does that make me a bad person? He's nice, think he likes me a lot but, I, I dunno.”

“Not being in love with someone doesn’t make you a bad person. No more than loving someone does.”

Indrid is hard to surprise; years of getting out ahead of his brother and father taught him how to see things coming. But nothing could prepare him for Duck rolling to hide his face against Indrid’s chest. Not knowing what else to do, he pats his back, notices a woodsy scent tingling his nose.

“You smell good.” He winces; that was too creepy, now Duck will pull the comforting bulk of his body away.

“Thanks. I bought a bunch of cologne when I realized I was actually going to be a contestant. News clothes too. Thought it would give me an edge but...I dunno, can't compete with a guy like your brother.”

“Join the club.” Indrid reaches up to toy with a lock of Duck’s black hair, expecting Duck to bat him away. Instead, he sighs and turns his head to give Indrid better access.

“You could compete with ‘im. You're cuter. Nicer too.”

“Oh. Ah. Thank you.”

Duck’s fidgets with the mothman pin on Indrid’s jacket, “You wanna cuddle?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“No one cuddles with me. And we ain’t allowed to cuddle Vincent yet.” He looks up, lips pouting just enough to be charming.

Indrid let’s a purr enter his voice, “That’s a shame. I’m happy to cuddle.”

Duck rolls more of his body onto Indrid, resolutely nestling his head under his chin and tangling their legs together. His hands stay on Indrid’s chest and shoulders, though he’s now drunkenly petting Indrid’s collarbone, making him shiver. He expends four months worth of daring in a second, wrapping his arms around the curves of Duck’s torso. When Duck’s fingers brush skin instead of shirt, Indrid whimpers, then bites his lip and prays it went unnoticed.

“You don’t get cuddled much either, do you?” Duck murmurs thoughtfully.

“No.”

“Damn shame, you’re real good at it. Can cuddle me any time.”

Indrid “mmhmms” knowing the promise is like the stars; bright and comforting in the darkness, but ultimately beyond his reach.

Three day later, he drops his guard; Apollo’s been on his good behavior since Vincent’s been spending more time with him. You’d think Indrid would learn by now that all his venom has to go somewhere.

He’s huddled down in the rec room trying not to cry; it’s pathetic enough that he let such childish insults get to him, but to cry over them would confirm everything his brother said.

“Indrid? You, uh, you okay?” Duck’s reflection in the darkened T.V approaches his own.

“I'm fine.” It’s the same inflection he’s used hundreds of times, but Duck sits down on the couch all the same.

“Do you, uh, need a hug?’

“No.” He replies a hair too quickly.

“Do you want one?”

“......Badly.”

Duck opens his arms and Indrid shifts on the cushions, doing his best to curl his long limbs so they’ll fit in his embrace. The shorter man notices, concern flashing on his face.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Okay. You, uh, wanna hear the most exciting news of the day?” He waits for Indrid to nod, “there was a cougar sightin’ in the foothills near here!”

“That is both very exciting and alarming.”

“Doubt it’d go after folks, they try to steer clear of people. We don’t have ‘em back home, but you learn what to do when you’re also learnin how to deal with bears.”

“How does one deal with a bear? Other than buying them a drink.”

Duck snorts, relaxes further into the couch, “Depends on how soon you see ‘em…”

They emerge two hours later, and Indrid is so engrossed in their conversation about hiking incidents that he runs smack into a camera man. While he’s apologizing profusely, Duck guffaws, steadies him, and leads him off in search of somewhere to watch the sunset.

-----------------------------------------

“Oooh, ooh, look, sea lions!” Indrid points to the distant wharf.

“Good eye. Man, those fuckers are big. Glad none of ‘em were in the water when we did that fuckin cliff dive.”

“I for one would pay good money to see my brother chased by a sea lion.”

Duck chuckles, pops the tab on his WhiteClaw. They’re having dinner on the beach, a gourmet spread meant to encourage them to show off their pallets. Indrid took Barclay’s recommendation and ordered the whole, grilled snapper, which he assumed he’d be eating alone; Vincent’s attention has been on Duck ever since he went swimming this morning. Duck seems to be enjoying it, but come dinner time he demurred (“gotta let some of the other fellas have a chance”) and brought his basket of fried oysters over to join Indrid on the sand.

“Speakin of your brother, kinda surprised he didn't make any digs at this whole, uh, situation.” Duck gestures to the torso Indrid is currently aching to lick droplets of saltwater from. To subdue the craving, he licks salt from his fingers before replying.

“I, ah, the last time he tried to, I reminded him of all the pictures I have of him eating. He hates to be seen eating. Most of the time.” He tilts his head towards his twin, who’s chowing down next to Vincent without a care for the cameras. Indrid sets his hand on the warm sand, “I’ve been trying to, well, reign him in as you suggested. Or at least make him think twice about his choices.”

(Indrid omits the part where he’s most likely to risk it if Duck is the one with the target on his back).

Duck sets his hand down beside Indrid’s, brushes sand from the side of it with a calloused thumb, “Mighty good of you. But, uh, think I mighta read things wrong that day. You gotta handle him how you think best. Just, uh, just promise me you won’t sacrifice your own well-bein’ for my sake, or anyone else’s. We’re all grown-ass men; we can handle it.”

“I promise.” He lies.

The other man leans back on his hands, green eyes drifting across the waves. Indrid would gladly sit in silence the rest of the night, it’s so easy to be comfortable in the lull when it’s Duck filling the space beside him.

Eventually, the ranger murmurs, “It’s so fuckin breathtaking. The ocean, I mean. Maybe if you live on a coast you get used to it but man, it is somethin;.”

“More so than the forest?”

Duck smiles, “It’s like apples and oranges. Monongahela got its own charms; you’d have a blast takin pictures and drawin there, believe me. If, uh, if Apollo and I both make it to the final four, uh, maybe we could take a few hours durin’ my hometown visit and I could show you my favorite spot.

Indrid imagines the two of them beneath the trees, walking hand in hand.

“I’d like that.”

---------------------------------------------

“You know you’re just a distraction, right?”

Indrid doesn’t look at his brother, just flips the page in his book, “I doubt that. You’ve said, often, that I’m too off-putting to be interesting.”

“Not when there’s competition for someone superior; Duck knows he might not win. You’re his back-up if he doesn’t, and a way to kill time until the end. Once Vincent sends him home, which he most definitely will, he’ll keep you around until something better comes along.”

“Don’t act like you know him.” Indrid hisses, looking up just in time to see something scurrying behind the triumph on Apollo’s face: fear.

So, his brother has a new weakness. He’ll tuck that away for later; this is shaping up to be an unpleasant conversation, but not one requiring quite that degree of weapon.

“You should thank me. If I weren’t so captivating, Vincent would spend all his time with Duck. Then you’d be without any attention at all. Even Duck’s taste isn’t that abysmal.” He grins his several thousand dollar smile, “he and Vincent are probably laughing about it right now.”

Indrid stands, crosses the tiny room, “Shut up, Apollo.”

Then he slams the door. There’s a yelp, followed by “you hit my nose, you pathetic excuse for a man, ow, open this door this instant I’m not done with you!”

He flicks the lock and sits back on the bed. There’s a tin of sensory putty on his nightstand and he opens it, playing with it between his fingers. Duck brought it for him after a museum date with Vincent. The image of him not only thinking of Indrid when he saw something, but then buying it for him just to see him smile makes him want to grin and hide his face in a pillow like a teenager who just got asked to prom.

But maybe this date is going differently.

Indrid squeezes the putty, repeats the mantra he’s had since he was a child, “Apollo always lies. Apollo always lies.”

Eventually, he’s calm enough to work on some tattoo commissions, is coloring away when there’s a knock on the door. A secret knock Duck invented as a goof. Throwing open the door reveals the shorter man wearing a suit jacket and an exhausted expression. Indrid gestures to the bed, shuts and locks the door as Duck slumps on the mattress and sets his head in his hands.

“Whelp, that was a shit-show.”

“What happened?” Indrid sits cross-legged beside him.

“Vincent went in for a kiss and I, uh, I turned him down. I mean, he took it well because he’s a sweet guy but I, I feel like shit.”

“There’s no shame in not wanting to kiss just yet.”

“That ain’t the problem. I, I wanna kiss someone on this set, but it ain’t him. Indrid” he looks up, green eyes watery, “Indrid, I think I’m fallin in love with you.”

“Oh. I, are you sure-”

“The whole night, and I mean the whole fuckin night, I was thinkin about you. Thought how nice the trip to the botanical gardens would be with you there to point out color combos and get excited about butterflies. Wanted to hold your hand over dinner. Fuck, when they brought out the dessert menu all I could think was how fun it’d be to order one of each thing to surprise you so you’d do that thing you do with your hands when you’re real excited.” Duck turns, sets his hands on Indrid’s shoulders, “‘Drid, if you don’t want this, I’ll back off but-”

Indrid cuts him off with a kiss, let’s strong arms pull him down to the bed and presses as close to Duck as he can, as if any space between them might be a way for the universe to push them apart.

“Than fuck” Duck pants, cupping his face, “wait, fuck, what do we do now? I can’t string poor Vincent on.”

“We’ll get them to let you out of your contract. It can’t be that hard, right?”

--------------------------------------------

“Absolutely not” Ned shakes his head, “dropping out of the show is out of the question.”

“But that ain’t fair to any of us. Can we at least tell Vincent the truth?”

“No, it needs to look as if he naturally decided not to choose you. If not, we could be accused of manipulating results; the last time that happened, the ratings tanked for that season and the next. And my predecessor was fired.”

Duck looks at Indrid, “Guess I’ll just...pull back? That way Vincent won’t have a reason to choose me and’ll let me go soon.”

----------------------------------------------

“Droppin out is outta the question, huh?” Duck mutters to Indrid as they watch Barclay and Joseph walk off holding hands, the host eagerly asking them questions as they go.

“I suppose he didn’t drop so much as sprint.” Indrid glances at the rose in Duck’s hand, “congratulations on making the final...well, final three now.”

“Thanks? Guess Apollo’s pretty happy about it too.”

“Yes, but his ego needs no stroking.” Indrid smiles, “maybe this means you’ll get to show me the woods?”

“I hope so. Huh. What are they gonna do with the rest of us when it’s not our turn for the hometown visit?”

The answer turns out to be: drag everyone to each hometown. Because they no longer have Joe’s trip to do, Ned decided they needed more scenes of the contestants exploring where their competitors came from.

Kepler is first, and tonight is the night Duck’s been dreading. His romantic, home-town date that everyone expects to end with at least some kissing. He manages to make it through dinner, even enjoys showing Vincent the down-town he spent years roaming. But as they start down the river walk for a romantic stroll, his heart is trying to smash its way out of his ribs.

“It’s alright, you know.” Vincent stops, guiding Duck to face him, “the fact you want to be with Indrid.”

“I, uh, fuck, I, I don’t not know, uh, fuck-” he closes his eyes, “how’d you know?”

“I’m more observant than I get credit for.” Vincent brushes his cheek, “I’ve had a hunch for weeks now, but I kept you around because I liked having you here, even if I suspected it wasn’t going to end with us together. I’m very fond of you, Duck. You deserve someone who makes you happy. I promise I’ll send you home this next rose ceremony”

“Christ” Duck chuckles, “you’re a hell of a guy too, Vince. I hope whoever you pick treats you right. I, uh, can I, should we…?”

Vincent plants a chaste kiss on his cheek, then smiles, “go get him.”

----------------------------------------

“Any twos?”

“No. Go fish.”

Apollo grumbles as he takes another card. Given Duck and Vincent are on their date, neither he nor Indrid is having a good night. Before Indrid can make his ask, his twin says, “How do you get people to like you?”

“Why do you care? You’ve made it this far, so obviously Vincent likes you a great deal”

“I don’t just mean him. I, I mean, I want him to like me. To want me. But I suspect he’d like me better if other people did.”

Indrid idly taps his cards, “I suggest you stop acting like our father.”

“I’m nothing like him!” Apollo squawks.

“Oh, but you are. Everything he taught us you still hold as true; you’re just the newest version of men like him. Self-absorbed. Cruel. Shallow. I’m amazed you’ve gotten this far with Vincent, given that the age difference means you’d be caring for him in his old age.”

“I, I can care for him. I will!”

“Apollo, I wouldn’t trust you to care for a potted plant.” He sets his cards down.

“At least I’m not a-”

“Ambitionless deviant who has to ride his brother’s coattails to survive?”

“Wha--how-”

“Like I said; you’re just like him. Down to your insults.” Indrid stands, “I’m going to bed. I suggest you do the same.”

His brother remains speechless--a rare state for him--as he closes the door and heads for his room. He doubts Duck will do anything on the date (hell, the two of them have only been able to steal some kisses now and then), but the whole charade has him feeling low.

There are far more cameras in the rented house than there were a few hours ago. Which means the rest of the crew is back. Does that also mean…

“Hey, sugar. I was just lookin for you.”

--------------------------------------------------

Duck’s glad his door is open, because otherwise Indrid would have smashed it to pieces dragging them both through it. He’d only gotten out the barest explanation before the taller man was kissing his face and tugging at his clothes, purring “mine” over and over again.

“Yep, all yours.” He shuts the door as Indrid mouths at his neck, “which also means you’re all mine.” He yanks Indrid’s black sweater up and over his head, sends the matching t-shirt after it a moment later. Indrid whines, fumbling with Duck’s dress shirt, and he gets an idea.

“Uh uh, only good boys who show me why they deserve it get to feel me up.”

Indrid groans into his shoulder, fisting the fabric of his jacket “What constitutes good behavior in this instance?”

“One sec, don’t go nowhere.” He starts to step past him, pauses to grips his chin and pull him into another kiss, “and no peekin.”

As he digs through his bag for the strap on he brought just in case, he keeps an eye on Indrid to be sure he’s following the directions. The taller man’s fingers twitch, but his head stays still. God, Duck is going to memorize the shape of each of the tattoos decorating his skin with his mouth.

“You did real good.” He slips around Indrid once more, resting his back on the wall. Indrid notices the new bulge in his pants and thuds to his knees.

“May I?”

“You better.”

Indrid undoes the button of his fly. Then he looks at Duck over the rim of his glasses as he takes the zipper between his teeth and pulls it down. When the black silicone of the strap breaks free, Indrid cocks his head as if unsure of his options. Duck doesn’t really have a plan--he just wants to be with him, to make him feel good and show him just what weeks of pent-up desire have done to him--but he’s starting to regret that choice.

Indrid flicks hair from his face and wraps his lips around the head of the cock experimentally. He hums, sucking on it a moment, then pulls back blushing, “This is going to sound strange but, ah, I, I really like that. It’s such a lovely texture on my tongue, it’s, it’s almost soothing to suck.”

“Guess you better keep suckin it then, huh?” Duck runs the fingers of his right hand through Indrid’s hair.

“Is that really alright? It can’t feel like much on your end.”

“Don’t mean it ain’t fun to watch. But, uh” he touches the edge of Indrid’s red glasses, “it okay if I take these off?”

Indrid nods and Duck slides them free, tucks them into his breast pocket for safekeeping as Indrid draws the cock into his mouth again. He focuses on the head at first, humming and moaning as it bumps his cheek. Then Duck sees him swallow and relax the muscles of his jaw as he presses closer. Little puffs of breath tickle Duck’s skin as Indrid gets most of the cock in his mouth, cheeks hollowing and head bobbing as he sucks. Hungry noises burlbe up his throat, and the more he lets himself go the messier he becomes, spit coating his lips and eyes fluttering closed in bliss.

“Okay, I lied.”

Brown eyes shoot him a disbelieving look.

“This ain’t fun. This is one of the hottest fuckin things I’ve ever seen.”

Indrid wiggles happily on his knees, left hand dropping to rubs his own cock through his jeans.

“Needy little thing, gotta have somethin down your throat and around your dick at the same time.”

“MMMhhmmm” Indrid purrs, the picture of filthy perfection.

“If, if you swallow the whole thing, I’ll let you finger-fuck me.”

Both hands fly to his thighs with an excited moan. Indrid’s brow crinkles with determination as he slowly, carefully brings his lips to the base of the toy. Duck groans out “good boy” and shoves his pants down, Indrid helping to drag them to his ankles. Indrid keeps his left hand on Duck’s hip while the right hovers below his folds. Duck takes it, the toy making the angle a bit awkward, and guides it against him.

“Start with one.”

Indrid nods, moans reverently as he obeys. Duck curses, looks down to find Indrid watching him attentively. Duck is going to wreck him. Then he’s going to cuddle him to sleep and wonder at the fact he got this lucky.

“You’re doin’ great, sugar. Promise I’ll tell you if you need to adjustOH, ohyeah” he lets his head rest against the chipped white of the door, “that’s the spot. Fuck it, add one more, Ahfuck, yeah, those artists fingers are fuckin perfect for this.”

Another purr and then a sharp, choked noise. Duck looks down, realizing he rolled his hips without meaning to. Before he can apologize, Indrid grips his thigh and shakes his head.

“You like that?”

“Mmhhmmm” Indrid traces a heart on his belly.

“You’ll pull off you need to?”

“Mhmmmm.” Indrid curls his fingers as his stretched lips manage to grin.

“Fuck!” Duck giggles, “okay, if my darlin wants his face fucked, that’s what he’ll get.” He keeps a hand on Indrid’s shoulder as he lets loose, grunts and curses mingling with the increasingly wet moans of his cock claiming Indrid’s throat. Soon he’s out of words, too busy with the sight of himself forcing Indrid’s lips apart as he tightens around his fingers. Handjobs are a toss-up for him most days; sometimes they work, other times he can’t cum from them at all. It turns out what makes it very easy to do so is-

“‘Drid, fuck, fuck, sugar, yeah, right there, rightthererightthere ohfuckyeah.” He cums, jerking his hips hard enough to punch a new, high sound from Indrid’s throat. The other man pulls off, rests his cheek on Duck’s belly with shuddery, satisfied sighs.

“Y’know” Duck unbuttons his shirt from the bottom up so Indrid can more easily nuzzle the skin there, “I had this whole plan where I was gonna fuck you with this and then ride your face to cum.”

“I’m not opposed.” Indrid grins, bouncing a bit.

“Yeah, but I’ve only got one in me tonight. So” He tosses the shirt away, pulls off the harness as Indrid nibbles his hips, “if you wanna cum, you’re gonna have to do all the work.”

An edge enters his smile, “I can manage that.”

Duck hits the floor with a whump, Indrid trapping him on his back and climbing atop him, all the while kissing him with abandon.

“May I fuck you?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Condom?”

“Dop kit, bathroom, aw come back.”

“Patience, sweetheart” Indrid blows him a kiss, returns a few moments later doing an inelegant dance to kick his jeans and boxers away, “got one!”

“Good, now get back down here before I-AHfuck!” Indrid is on him and in him so fast it knocks his breath away.

“Before what? You’re not going anywhere, you’re mine, alllllll mine.” He drags kisses across Duck’s cheek, then bites his chapped lip as he looks down at him, “right?”

“You know it, nnng, fuck, that’s it sugar, be a good boy and cum for me. Fuck, darlin, wanted this so bad.” He locks his fingers into silver hair to keep Indrid in kissing distance as the other man whimpers, thrusts shallow and rabbity.

“Want you too, so much, I’ll be worth it, I swear, I’ll be good, I’ll, I’ll make you so happy.”

Duck rests their foreheads together, “You already do.”

There’s a high, gasping moan, almost like a chirp, and Indrid rides out his orgasm in drawn-out rolls of his hips. Then he collapses, laughing, on Duck’s chest.

“I, I’m sorry, I just never thought I’d get this. Someone wanting me. Choosing me.”

“I mean, I went on a T.V show to find love, so I know a little somethin about that fear. But I also know findin you is better than anythin I ever imagined.”

“Likewise.” Indrid nestles closer, one hand reaching out to hold Duck’s where it’s flopped on the rug.

“...You realize this means there’s a fifty-fifty chance your brother will win.”

Indrid shrugs, lifts his head to smile at Duck, “I leave that to Vincent. I already got my prize.”

[artreider]

Station 19 returns in a little over 2 weeks so im going to try to finish my rewatch this week.

Im doing todays rewatch while my daughter plays we'll see if i can work this out.

This is one one of my favorite episodes but im liable to cry watching it again.

Ugh dixon why cant we have lost him this season.

I love the family talks between the crew to start the episode and jack with his seemingly random trivia/information that he just feels like educating his team about.

Poor vic you can see how much she is struggling as the news is on and her crew discusses protesting and police brutality.

I love what Montgomery says that things felt different right after george floyd and breonna taylor were killed, like something was going to change. But now a year plus out i cant help but feel like nothing is really changing, like we all forgot what we saw.

I do love their shirts.

Oh maya trying to navigate being there for her team, doing whats right and whats expected of her. I don't envy her. Also its all in vain and she came so far and is the best captain.

Hughes wanting to change the subject and celebrate marina's engagement, i love her but my heart hurts for her. I also love the support for maya from her team.

I know some fans take issue with vic calling it a lesbian wedding but im onebof those who isnt. That comes from a bisexual woman married to a bisexual woman who normally just tells people she is gay or a lesbian because ita simpler. And also because you can sometimes avoid the inevitable question of why did i choose a woman instead of a man.

I love the i could barely agree to get carina to marriage line and i dont know why.

There's hererra eating away lol; either they just had fun messing with fans or really planned the long game pregnancy. Is it possible we'll see glimpses of her pregnancy in flashbacks this season and then she'll have a baby in present day. This could've been their way of getting around having to film a pregnancy over the course of a season and keeping andy in the action. Hmmm

Vic and travis, i love them. Im glad travis trying to get vic to open up. I just want to hug vic so much, i cant imagine what she's going through.

Barrett kills this episode.

Bishop is right, vic cant be objective she needs to foucs on her family and trust her team.

I love watching maya captain.

Asshole kids.

Vic talking about her team is love. In light of the following episode i wish we could've had them all be introduced to her folks on screen. Also i need fics of how the wedding came to be at the restuarant and just marina month apart after becoming engaged.

Ugh between the popo and news its like vultures outside the fire. Also the portrayal of the news pisses me off as a news producer. Thats not to say some news stations may have agendas or some reporters an inability to seperate themselves from the story but in my experience that is few and far between.

"Fire" "whatever your question is the answer is fire and we are working to put it out" ugh i love the bde and quote from maya. And the "buhbye" so much love here.

These officers are out of line, if you cant do your job properly then hand in your badge you pos. Love the female officer here, ill take more of her. Clearly she has no issue with the station or the lawsuit.

Im glad dean listened to maya and didnt question her. I also just realized she said "ill deal with pd", such a good captain putting herself between the pos and her team.

As maya watches vic and her family you can just see her heart going out to them.

Ugh vic you need all the hugs, also mama hughes is so stubborn lol but i love her.

I love them ribbing on andy about eating and her choice of food as well as her loud stomach rumbles.

Too much bad news delivered by emails/texts to the team.

Its not fair the team seems upset with maya about the city's decision.

Perv andy lol also totally pregnant. Also the look she gave sullivan when they were on their way to the fire just screamed i know im pregnant and love my baby daddy.

Theo means well and im glad travis is letting him help.

Sometimes moms say things and mean well but they just dont come across right.

Stupid news reporter.

I love this scene and mama hughes. "Let it burn" so succinct. She is an icon. The recitement of the names never fails to bring tears to my eyes.

That her parents know the names rings differently for vic, its like she feels seen amd that maybe they werent as unaware as they came across.

Jack seems so lost and is just trying to understand the world and himself. I just want him to find his purpose and happiness. I swear it just seems like he'll be the next person killed off after finding his happiness.

I love the boards dedicated to vic, just goes to show sometimes parents care more than they seem and are just not good at showing it. They are so proud of her.

Them both telling just a second made me chuckle so much.

The apology may not bring back michael but its important none the less.

Im glad maya checked on dean. And the solution they came up with. Side note danielle looks so good in this scene, i may have a crush.

Fhe breath she takes when he stops her from leaving, it hurts me. I take it as she is bracing herself for the worst especially when he says he doesnt want to be disrespectful. Its still hard for her to believe she has the teams unwavering support. I love dean telling maya to have a wedding for her station.

The breaking the plates scene i love it. Love the conversations between vic and her mom.

The breaking of the plates, such love.

[shyrose57]

2: I will figure it out eventually and that's a promise.

3: Watson is aboustely heart broken and near tears multiple times as well hearing Ran in so much distress and actually crying. Jackie does cry, he attempts multiple times to hug Ran and make it known he's there to comfort him, but it only works sometimes, and when it doesn't work Ran gets scared and tries to get away believing an attacker has gotten him. Grievous is almost like silently grieving, knowing he can't do anything to help his close friend. Cletus feels bad, and since he isnt too good with emotions, focuses on instead attempting to cheer everyone else up. Isaac and Benjamin feel awful as they feel at fault for letting it happen, so to hopefully help they make plans on how to make Ran as comfortable and safe as can be while also getting him to a nearby town they heard about to hopefully reverse it. Charles is doing his damn best to comfort Ran while also distracting him from his own thoughts, which mostly means Charles (and Watson) play the role of story teller for a while. Ranbob is the hardest hit by it, he's suffering so much because he so badly just wants to go over and hug his little brother and comfort him, tell him that it'll all be ok and that Bobby would protect him. But also knows he can't because he knows that would most likely do nothing but make it worse. For a while he spends his time blocking his ears and wrapped in a comfort blanket trying to comfort himself, as everyone else tend to his suffering brother. One thing that makes it harder is that Ran begins to purr to himself in a vain attempt to comfort himself (cause I personally like to think Enderman hybrids are like cats and purr like them, when their happy, content, comfortable, but also to soothe themselves and heal wounds), when Ranbob knows Ran's never purred, so knowing he's so desperate to try it now hurts him. 

You will get some comfort, like Watson manages to convince Ranbob to at least hug Ran, and Ranbob manages to purr alongside Ran a bit, which does actually help to calm Ran down. Ran getting wrapped up with the fluffiest blanket they have and always having Watson, Jackie, or Grievous by his side. With Jackie tending to hold his hand. 

4: All of the above. Sudden touch can be overwhelming to Ranbob at times, especially when he's not doing well mentally. Also while in this state, touch reminds him of the desperate grabbing and touching of the people he killed that tried to escape or fend him off. And Dream was able to hurt Ranbob by starving and dehydrating him of course, but when Ranbob was being particularly disobedient and tried to fight back Dream would often take control and cut or stab Ranbob then gave back control as punishment. 

10: It does get better! Idk if I already said but Kelalen is actually where they get the antidote for Rans blindness potion! And when their given it for free and it works, they become very grateful to Adler and Lucia (the one who actually convinced Adler to give them the potion in the first place cause it was the only one left). And a few days after they arrive they actually decide to explore the town, where they meet Siren and get more information on Dream and who he was, they also get their weapons and armor repaired by them. But while talking with Siren, Cletus and Grievous sneak off and run into Atlas, then Cletus and Grievous agree to help Atlas with his prank. But by the end of their second week in Kelalen the group starts to truly enjoy their stay, Ranbob often saying how it kind of reminds him of Mizu before everything happened. 

12: Thats funny though and is exactly how I'd want to be seen.

13: *CLAPS HANDS* OH BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU. I RECENTLY TOLD MY FRIEND ABOUT RANBOB SEEING HIS DEAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY BUT FAILED TO TELL THEM IT WASNT ACTUALLY PART OF THE STORY. SO THEY TOOK IT LITTERALY AND THEY HAVE GIVEN ME IDEAS, WHILE ALSO HELPING ME REALIZE THAT THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE USED TO SET UP FOR RANBOB MOVING PAST HIS TRAUMAS AND CAN LEAD TO MORE FLUFF AND ANGST. SO NOW IT IS PART OF THE STORY, WITH CHANGES THAT IT HAPPENED DURING A DREAM AND HE DIDNT BELIEVE IT AND CONSIDERED IT A CRUEL JOKE BY FATE ITSELF AT FIRST. AND YES BY AT FIRST I MEAN THIS HAPPENS MANY MORE TIMES.

Also my friend has a message for you, "HahA THEY BETTER THANK ME I SET THEM UP FOR MORE MISERY 😈😈 /j" (I wanna be safe so if you don't know /j means that their joking)

14: Im not doing Foolish and Dream brothers because I personally don't like/get it. But I was thinking maybe they meet Foolish after Mripat tells them that there was a member of the SMP who was said to be a god and immortal. And after some long conversations they decide to go hunt for this apparently immortal god. Which takes a while since no one actually knows where he is, just that he likes deserts, and have to go off possible sightings or hints in history books. And when they finally meet him they manage to learn about totems (which they previously didn't know about) and even get some. They also learn that infact even during the SMP time no one quite knew what Dream was, and learns the ways the SMP tried to permanently get rid of him. Foolish is also devastated to know that Dream infact survived and becomes determined to help them. Even offering his help that if they ever go back to Mizu to face Dream, he'll come along and help in anyway he can. 

15: I like to imagine Edward remembers Ranboo as the young troubled enderman that he basically adopted and took care of. So Edward sees Ranboo in both Ran and Ranbob, so he offers his help and advice. Basically becoming their Grandad, telling stories about everything he's seen. Especially about Ranboo because Ranbob is so curious about his ancestor he just cant help but ask. One convo I've been particularly thinking about goes something like, "Edward: Older one, what do you think your brother thinks about you? Ranbob: I..I think he doesnt like me, and that he wants me gone. Edward: Hmm, your wrong. Ranbob: What? Edward: When I look at Ran, I see a child, not an adult yet, scarred, scared and traumatized. A child that wishes you two were closer, that he could forgive you and wants to believe you, just so you two could be family again. But is afraid too, for he already has a family, that he is terrified of losing, and is scared if he attempts to trust you again that they may leave him. But make no mistake, your brother wants to make amends, your brother cares about you and wants you happy. He knows deep down that he can trust you, and that you are innocent, but you all must help him acknowledge those parts, and stand by him, helping him walk when needed, as he traverses his own nightmares." AKA I really want Edward to be the reason Ranbob realizes that Ran does want to be family again but needs help. Cause if I had to describe the brothers current positions with their trauma it'll be, Ranbob-Knows he has trauma and is trying to get better and live with it, willingly getting help. Ran-Is fucking drowning in trauma cause he refuses to acknowledge he has it and hides it well most of the time, also doesn't ask for help. 

2: I fear the day.

3: Hahaha, ow, ow, ow. That, overall, is...heartbreaking. At the same time though, it’s sweet to see everyone pitching in to do their best and help him. We got it with Ranbob, now we get it with Ran.

I am curious, though. From what you’ve said, Blindness potions don’t wear off immediately? Why’s that?

4: *Chants* Please punch Dream. Please punch Dream. Please punch Dream. How do the fishermen deal with this, and help Ranbob?

10: Oh, god, Ran’s blind when they arrive in town. That’s definitely a high tension situation. Not only have you got him out of commission, but everyone else high strung from it, and probably having their protective instincts in overdrive when they randomly get treated hostilely. What exactly does an antidote for blindness consist of? Do most potions have antidotes, or counters? Is milk no longer used, or is that not a thing in the AU? It does sound nice that they all end up making friends later on though. How does Ran adjust to having his sight back? And, y’know, having everyone see him like that, and his brother comfort him(if they aren’t on good terms at this point, the timeline’s confusing me a bit)

12: Throughout this conversation, every time I read something sad, the image struck me, and honestly, it’s what you deserve. If these keeps up, I’m gonna start inserting these little 🏹s every time you hurt my heart. 

13: I’m being conspired against. Does everyone see this? Brothers Anon and their friend are conspiring to break my heart. Such gremlins. What did I ever do to you two?

Also, you can tell your friend that from this point on, I will closely associate them with a tiny, purple, cackling imp. 

14: Huh. Why do they want to find Foolish? Curiosity? To learn more about the Smp? About Dream? Sounds like it has a lot of potential to be quite the interesting encounter. And, since they didn’t previously know about the totems, they probably wouldn’t notice if one activated in a certain situation where it’s popped...do with that what you will.

15: Anon, I love all of this. Tell me more about Grandpa Edward. Does he fondly look back to Ranboo being polite and quiet while Ranbob and Ran cause havoc in the background? Does he bake them snacks and tell them about Ranboo’s adventures, and how much he loved to mine-which, in hindsight, is kind of funny, considering you just mentioned that so few people follow Skeppy because of the mining, but apparently their ancestor did that thing for fun.

[cloudyfm]

ok yes i’m here with lilia’s info ur resident demon have fun pals<3

family background - yes this is copy pasted myob<3

ya’ll ever read one of those drug ring ao3 fanfics where y/n is dating the sexy drug cartel leader? well that’s their family!

generational family blood money because that’s how cartels work i think. started running + dealing three generations back with their great-grandparents in order for them to make a living. it wasn’t until the so-called business was handed down to their grandparents that they wanted to expand and generate more money. the big pharma cover was created in order for them to manufacture, distribute, and supply at a larger scale. present day, their family name has notoriety with other cartel and mafia families.

basically avery was supposed to take over because he was the oldest right, but lilia did not want that at all. their parents started favoring avery and schmoozing up to him a little bit to get him to say yes (even though avery was fully prepared to give lilia the position) and lilia was like! what the fuck! so she told their parents about this one time that avery accidentally blabbed the family secret to a stranger at a party which broke their one rule of keeping it a secret. their parents wanted nothing to do with him anymore and completely cut avery off and kicked him out of the family.

everyone knows that avery and lilia are siblings, even though they don’t really know the actual details about their past together because avery doesn’t say anything about his family and the cartel is a secret. now that they are both at yale and in the elites together they are just kinda like haha awkward <3 they basically would just tell everyone that they grew apart if other characters tried to pry but also lilia is now telling people that avery fucked up a business decision which is why he left the family and avery is like alright but good luck trying to get other info out of them! xo, the jeongs

personal background

a legacy and a member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-one and a junior undergrad student majoring in pharmacology. they are as zealous as they are vain.

blackmails: and yes ik we only needed 2 i got pressed and stubborn (drugs tw):

blackmailing vanity fair to keep them from speaking negatively about her and her family by dealing to their reporters. she’s more so doing this to protect herself and her brother than her parents.

is aware of annie and violet’s work arrangements with her family’s drug business. she refuses to involve herself by mentioning that the family they work for is hers and is currently turning a blind eye to the questionable tasks that are asked of them.

purposely sent an ex boyfriend to prison when she was 18 due to her being tired of being in a consistently toxic relationship. she set him up to be found with various bags of illicit drugs (of which were owned by her family) and framed him with possession with intent to distribute and supply to garner a felony charge as an adult.

ok moving to present day stuff<3

ever since avery left the family, her parents have basically put immense pressure on her to fill his spot - the spot she wanted, and since her loyalty is with them and herself, she accepted it and did whatever had to be done. she was 16 when it became her job to take over, so whatever parts of her childhood she had left kind of just left when they began to prime her.

at 18, her mom finally revealed to her that avery had the intentions to give her control of the family when she came of age - something that she didn’t know until 2 years after she fucked up ! her guilt eats her alive to this day, but rather than mending her relationship with him personally, she sends him money anonymously through shorting her parents. 

she actually loves being in the elites ... it gives her such a sense of importance whether or not she is considered a legacy. was kind of excited to join actually and frankly that bit her in the ass with the blackmailer out here but its fine.

her college years have frankly been quiet like .. she’s studious to the point she needs to be but she really is not a partier, doesn’t do drugs because she’s seen first hand the shit that her parents are involved in, and barely drinks. when she does she literally doesn’t know how to handle it and fears losing control. literally if you wanna manipulate her this is how u do it lmao.

this is mentioned in the personality section but yes she is in the classics book club at yale ... she loves her classics</3

she’s actually easy to get along with ok just don’t cross her i promise my god im going to lose it

i don’t know im blanking so bad and this is alrdy almost 1500 words i cant do this anymore. UGHGHH more of her personal stuff is in the personality section im heaving

personality

ridiculously cut throat and has no issues stepping on people to get to where she needs to be. like if it came down to saving herself or saving someone else who she doesn’t have a close connection to? she will always pick herself. 

makes a game out of other people one - upping her<3 if she knows she can win, and sometimes even when she can’t, she will purposely cause a problem just to see them fall and grow her own ego.

also will start problems casually and then just sit back and watch them unfold while drinking wine out a mug.

literally ... and i mean literally obsessed with being perceived as beautiful and pretty. she’s so mf vain that it’s actually a problem, and i can promise you if you call her ugly miss girl will cry. this mostly has to do with her self esteem issues and the pressure put onto her by her parents after avery left. yes she did this to herself dni.

loyal only to those who she cares about otherwise they can frankly rot<3 and there are times where she will break that loyalty if it benefits her.

ik this may not be believable but she actually is extremely insecure and anxious deep down lmao like she has such an obsession with proving that she’s the best to her peers and her family that it flat out consumes her consistently. this is what causes her to act out most of the time and if someone was to become close to her it would be plainly evident. yes - she can be soft.

has an overt persona of positivity and carries herself as someone who doesn’t have negative intentions and sometimes makes it hard to believe that she’s actually capable of doing the things that people accuse her of.

yes she is calculating and manipulative and miss girly will look for faults only to make them worse.

she literally wasn’t always like this but when her and avery’s relationship started to fracture, she kind of let her own selfishness consume her.

she plays stupid a lot KLNDFKNDLKFSD  will pretend to be interested in random men in her classes so they will baby her and do shit for her that she could have easily done herself. it’s not that she’s lazy but she’s only studying pharma because of her family. she has an obsession with classical lit and would have rather majored in that if given the chance. 

has a fear of emotional intimacy </3 went through a really toxic relationship from the ages of 16-18 that was basically more done to bring her family and another together for a business deal and it just ... did not end well for her and basically she was treated like shit. literally the only way she could get out of it was to frame him and then bribe people to make sure the felony charge wasn’t dropped. her family doesn’t know she did this so<33333 

statistics

full name: lilia iris jung.

nicknames: lili or lia.

age: 21.

date of birth: august 02, 1999.

siblings: avery ( older brother ).

birthplace: new york city, new york, united states.

current location: new haven, connecticut, united states.

astrological sign: leo sun / capricorn moon / virgo rising.

gender: cis female.

pronouns: she / her / hers.

height: 5′1″.

sexuality: bisexual.

religion: atheist.

piercings: double lobe on her right ear, triple lobe on her left ear, tragus on her right ear, and a helix on both her left and right and ears.

tattoos: this on her inner, right bicep, and this behind her left ear.

haircolor: brunette.

literally for wanted connections i want 2 things: (1) someone to rock her shit bc that is deserved, and (2) idk she’s wearing a mask like 80% of the time so someone who she is close enough to actual b real with :\ if this doesn’t make sense myob im taking a nap

[mrsjokerphoenix]

CH. 1 Primed for Sin

Notes: This is my first fanfic so it’s probably not so good LOL its a bit personal and inspired by my own story of losing the love of my life. I was also listening to Slow dancing in a burning room by John Meyer to set the mood. Im open to constructive criticism so I can improve and make chpt 2 better. Enjoy

Ch. 1 primed for sin

This was your final walk down this hallway in Arkham hospital. The same hospital you came to a year ago looking for adventure and to escape the rut of all the daunting paperwork. When you were first hired by the CIA 6 years ago you naively thought it would be like a oo7 movie or spies you see in Hollywood movies. You couldn’t be more mistaken. A chuckle escaped your mouth as you signed in the sign in sheet. You could start to feel your legs getting heavier and heavier with every daunting step you took.

“Is Dr. Quinn in there? You asked the guard. Taking a drink of your black coffee. Bad idea your anxiety was already Moments away from becoming a panic attack.

“Yes, she’s waiting for you.” He answered in his usual bored monotone voice.

“Thank you, once she leaves bring in Arthur please and then you’re free to go as well until our session is over.” Quinn was Arthur’s state psychiatrist. You had paid her off so you could meet with Arthur privately. It had been a year and half since Meeting with Gary about a possible operation. Get his “lad” as he like to call Arthur, out of Arkham. Your specialty was arms deals but something in you wouldn’t let you turn it down.

You were able to pull some strings and be assigned as Arthurs new Doctor with the help of his current one. As a rogue agent you naturally distrusted her. Luckily she didn’t want the case and You were able to pay her off so she would leave during our sessions. Today would be the last one and by tomorrow Arthur or rather Joker would be a free man. You could feel your throat closing up. That lump in your throat threatening to suffocate you. No matter how much water you drank or coughing you did it persisted, reminding you just how much you had helplessly fallen in love. There was a chance you will never see each other again. It took every ounce in you to keep it together and not breakdown crying. You broke your most important rule “never fall in love” and now there was no going back. The realization of this left you breathless.

“ good job y/n” you mumbled sarcastically while setting everything down on the old warn down table. Arkham desperately needed to refurnish.

“How do you manage to get more beautiful every time I see you?” You had been so deep in thought, organizing your paperwork, and fighting back tears you didn’t notice Arthur walk in.

“Good morning to you too Arthur.” You grinned from ear to ear as he made his way to give you a hug. “are you ready for tomorrow?” You asked looking up and admiring how beautiful this man was. His salt/pepper hair slicked back leaving his features highlighted. The way his full brows made his green eyes so intense you could get lost in them forever. You had to look away. Never before had you seen eyes that held so much beauty and danger.

“Lets not talk about that kitten, I want this hour to be special. It is our last time meeting you know.” He said shooting you a half smile that made you weak in the knees. But you could see the sadness that decorated his face. His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Arthur was so worried about you. Sweet Arthur if only others could see the real you. They would love you as much as I do.

“Look at me please” he ordered. “Youve been crying haven’t you?” Shaking his head

You wanted to lie, deny the whole ordeal, brush it all under the rug but you couldn’t lie to him and you fell into his arms. “Im going to miss you so much. I love you and I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I know we cant be together right now but it hurts. It hurts so much I cant breath.” Body wracked with an onslaught of sobs and tears.

He pulled you into his arms. His warmth would seep into your being and he comforted you without ever opening his mouth. You felt one of his tears cascade down your shoulder.He was intoxicating and every cell in your body craved him like an addict craves his fix. “Im sorry doll” his voice was heavy with pain, the same way guilt weighed down upon his shoulders.

“I know and i will be ok as long as you are safe, that’s all that matters to me Arthur” you replied forcing your voice to sound as normal and not break in the same way your heart was shattering with every second that passed.

He held you tightly. Hands on the small of your back while you wrapped your hands around his neck and face resting on his chest. The two of you danced with grief in the tiny white room in Arkham. Where it all begin. Unforeseen by you meeting him for the first time was like coming out of a hibernation you didn’t know you were in. His eyes green like spring breaking through winters snow. The same room where you had laughed, cried, and talked about the future together. You felt so complete in his arms. He took away the emptiness that like an abusive partner threatened to never leave and you a patient with Stockholm syndrome Obeyed finding comfort in it. You wanted to melt into him and become one so that nothing could ever tear you apart from him.

“We will see each other again I promise.” trying to not only convince him but convince yourself as well.

Arthur started humming the tune of one our favorite songs we slowly danced in a burning room. He whispered those dark silly jokes he was so proud of and knew would get a chuckle out of you. Oh how you prayed time would stop this instant and you could keep experiencing his velvet soft touch. Arthur was your home and soon you’d find yourself homeless once more.

A knock on the door jerked us back into reality. “Its time to take Mr.Fleck back to his room” you heard from across the door.

“Yes gives us a minute please!” You shouted resentfully. It wasn’t the guards fault but you had to take it out on someone. Grasping at any sense left of control.

“Time flies when you’re having fun” he said taking a seat across from your desk. It would be the last time he would sit in that chair. The chair that was a witness to our love story. Once comfortable he gracefully put a cigarette in between his lips and lit it. You found yourself Getting lost in his graceful confident movements. The opening of the box. The click of the lighter. The slight tilt of his head. Crisp burning of a cigarette. First small inhale. Exhale not letting it reach his lungs. The lift of his neck. Long drag. Exhale. It was as if time had slowed down. almost as if the universe was gifting you this so you could take it all in only for it to be preyed away from hands. Only leaving with you those haunting memories of what no longer is. Grieving for what will never be. Oh bittersweet universe. You cruel bastard.

“Yes, sorry” you said. You could feel your cheeks turn cherry red.

“You can stare at me all you want doll.” He insisted.

“Cocky arent we now.” We both broke into laughter. It seemed to lighten the air in the room. Thank God, those sinister white walls felt like they could collapse on you at any second.

still standing leaning on the desk. you turned to pick up the folder on the desk. You had gone over the plan several times and you were confident things would run smoothly. “Gary did a great job putting a team together for you” You advised.

Arthur reached to grab the folder not saying a word. “All the documents to your new properties, weapons bought. Also the names of politicians, law enforcements and agents that will be working for you are also included. Just incase they want to cause problems.”

“I love you y/n always remember that” he finally said.

“I love you too Arthur, Good luck tomorrow everything will work out as planned.” Arthur leaned in for one last tender passionate kiss. His honey sweet tongue dancing with yours to a tune only you two were privy to. Suddenly the guard barged in to take him.

“Im sorry to interrupt but its time” walking towards Arthur. If looks could kill you would have killed him a thousand times over.

You watched as he was handcuffed again and lead out of the room. Arthur never taking his eyes off of you. As soon as the door closed your legs betrayed you as you feel to your knees. The pain flooded every inch of your body like a dam unable of being contained any longer. Tears stinging as they made their way down your cheeks. “Comeback please!” You tried to yell in vain. Unable to find the strength to let it out. “Why do you always take from me God, everything I love gets taken” you cursed at the sky. You had not felt such intense pain since the passing of your mother. Finally finding the strength to pick your shaking limbs off the floor, you noticed a folded note on the desk.

“I was never really insane, except on occasions where my heart was touched.” Go with me doll, i cant do this alone. meet me at the warehouse. We leave at 9. Joker

[citialiin]

FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @dansiere​​, who did such a good detailed job they even included an “honorable mentions list” ? i am embarrassed to type mine out now TAGGING: @blossomingbeelzebug​​ @zhrets​​ @dirtyfilthysunshine​​ @prcphesise​​ @hyakiru​ @foxcharmed​

01. kaun komsott - ros sereysothea

this song actually lyrically has absolutely nothing to do with ziggy !!!!  kaun komsott /  កូនកំសត់ actually just means “poor/pitiful child” it’s just a khmer dub of a song from a taiwanese movie lol but i feel like this is the kind of music he would listen to that made him fall in love with, like ... humanity, as dumb as that sounds. it’s time period appropriate (late 60s/early to mid 70s), the song is really good and it’s SO emotional.  i could see him sitting in the apartment of his bandmates after being “found” and they teach him how to use the record player and he sits there going through each and every record they have and listening to this and its like the fucking scene in ratatootie where the goddamn rat can visualize tastes as colors but he would be so enamored with the song he would see it in colors or something i dunno.  something has definitely fucking happened to my brain because ever since nat and alex and i rewatched ratatootie we keep referencing it for our characters. anyways i ended up using an instrumental of kaun komsott in the final film i made as the song that plays during the end.  so this song just also means a lot to me because it’s part of how i made this character and the film/story i animated to go along with him, i am sure you are all absolutely sick of hearing me talk about it <3  

02. who can i be now - daveed booweyywywy now you found me, now can I be real?  can I be real? if it’s all a vast creation / putting on a face that’s new someone has to see / a role for him and me someone might as well be you

one of z’s most obvious character motifs is figuring out self identity through adopting different guises.  he markets himself as being so overly confident and almost arrogantly certain of himself -- rock god space idol whatever -- as his own way of learning who he thinks he might be underneath it all.  i think at first it started off a little innocuous, a ‘ fake it till u make it ’ thing at the least and maybe more obviously a ‘ im not a human so i have to pretend to be someone else ’ deal, but over time it became almost all consuming and just obliterated all his previously held sense of self in favor of some weirdly demented version of who he wanted to be.  683 starts off with the same core personality traits as ziggy: maybe he’s a little vain, a little selfish, but he’s very interested in creativity/self-expression and he wants to be thought of as a unique individual and appreciated for his differences.  but the difference is that 683 isnt an arrogant asshole who has no regard for other people in the slightest.  so yeah ... who can u be now ... is it worth it to adopt a different guise or should he go through the effort of figuring out what parts of his personality were corroded by human influence and what parts are genuinely him?  my big endgame thoughts for his story would be that he eventually just decides to retire from the public eye and fucks off entirely.  this would be over the course of a long long long time -- maybe he has a good 20 yr run in the industry -- but there are some things about him he has to deal with (mental health issues, drug addiction, also the fact that you’re a freaky alien creature who doesnt age like a human so you’re physically like 46 and you still look like you’re 25?) so he inevitably decides he doesnt need the horrible pressure of fame and he ought to just live his life for himself.  i think this would be a nice final song for him to sing/perform -- then he goes into the dressing room and cuts his hair and just vanishes. bye.

03. sunny afternoon - the kinks Help me, help me, help me sail away Well give me two good reasons why I oughta stay 'Cause I love to live so pleasantly Live this life of luxury Lazing on a sunny afternoon

1. i think this would sound A LITTLE like the kind of music he would write/play albeit i feel like his would be more exciting and have more samplings of like laser noises or pewpewpew or weird spaceship sounds BUT.  its also pretty time period appropriate.  even in “modern” verses ziggy is inexplicably obsessed with the 1970s, he likes bell bottoms and thinks groovy patterns are neat and he owns too many lava lamps.  anywayz. 2. just the general idea of feeling unfulfilled with luxury -- even if ziggy enjoys his fame and wealth and the absolutely insane amount of pussy/dick he gets at some level he is still cognizantly aware of how weirdly empty he feels.  he ditched atomina and came here because he felt unfulfilled and bored and unwanted.  now he feels wanted (clearly, everyone loves him) and he feels entertained (earth is So Good at fun distractions) but his fulfillment still isnt quite there.  he’s getting there -- but in exchange of being able to live this life of fame, he’s had to kind of change everything about himself and live this almost caricature version of himself, and he knows he cant keep it up forever.  the luxury will run out one day and he’ll be a washup and no one cares about celebrities once they stop being hip.  it is literally only a matter of time before ziggy has to find out who he is because no one can be a “rockstar” forever.

04. i hate jimmy page - mindless self indulgence SUCKAS CAN REACH OUT TOUCH ME EAT ME BITE DA FUTURE & FUCK DA PAST  I'm lower than most animals and fear what might be weird and all those voices in my head have every right to be there i ain't a girl just cause i rock the boat i ain't a boy just cause i rock your world

i mean he does hate jimmy page but that’s beside the point. its just a good song about being a crazy rockstar and has the same Craziness that i feel like accompanies his character ... just go listen to it you will understand. there is nothing to explain here.  even the lyric “ill show u how official midgets jack me off” like just accept it. it’s whatever  but yeah i aint a girl i aint a boy ... i guess his gender (or lack thereof) never really comes up in rp but its still an important part of his character.  if any of u guys ever call him a man in prose again ill kick ur ass.  gender is like an accessory to him and he just takes whatever aspects of masculinity/femininity he prefers and discards everything else.  to him he’s just as much a “man” or a “woman” as he is a “human” which is to say he isnt, at all, and he just pretends to be because he feels obligated to.  also ziggy’s brain kind of sounds like this...just Noises.  his brain sounds like a microwave that’s been going off for 26 years.  i think his brain is a single uncooked pinto bean rolled in glitter that’s been left in a box with a cobweb

05. ghostride - crumb daydreaming I stay in the backseat / the slow beat rocks me back to sleep keeps me on automatic  press my face up close against the glass i see the people when they pass they move so automatic you wake up when I go down / the radio reminds me I'm alive we've been hearing it all night

i care more about 683 on atomina than i do about ziggy on earth sometimes (BUT I CARE THEM BOTH. DO U?) so ... 683 feeling aimless and drifting but trying to find purpose through passion, a person, some sort of concrete meaning -- going through the motions of life makes him feel empty he spends almost every day going through the same toil while feeling guilty or like a burden and also feeling like he’s ultimately nothing more than a replaceable cog in a machine. his species had a near extinction = bottleneck which made them so genetically similar they’re almost clones of each other.  no one ever seems to do anything wrong except him, he finds no joy or fulfillment in anything at all.  all he ever wanted (which isnt a selfish desire at all) was to feel purpose, or feel wanted, or appreciated. inevitably he leaves because of his own imagination -- he yearns for something More, and he doesn’t know What, so he figured he ought to at least Try instead of waste his life away. also atomina is supposed to sound like “automatic.”  do NOT make fun of my bad scifi.  i am trying to mimic the way 1970s scifi is endearingly cheesy.  come here.  i just want to touch you with this knife.  gently tho it wont go inside of you. bro you are bleeding. bro we are bleeding and i keep putting the knife in your soft parts.

[twentytwoyearoldchild]

The First Post

To be honest, I’m not expecting anybody to read these or actually find them, or even care. 

This is for me. Be it for the sake of journaling, therapy, word vomit, whatever. 

An opportunity to let go. 

I guess I’ll start from the top

Shit’s been weird as fuck; as it has been for a lot of people. It was my last day of uni forever the day we shut down for the first covid quarantine, my apartment lease was up in a few months, and I didn’t have a job anymore. I was fortunate enough to have extended family in the area with whom I could move in with after my lease was up. Fast forward a few months and I’m home again. 

I really thought I had overcome a lot of shit I was dealing with when I moved out after high school. I had a routine, it wasn’t always healthy but it got me through. But damn has it hit hard since I’ve been back at home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, they’re good parents; they’ve grown a lot since I’ve been away. But there’s always something that doesn’t change. Or, it’s evolved in a weird way that’s not as bad but still like an “are you kidding me,” type of vibe. 

I can’t believe I’m still being so fucking vague, like no matter how hard I try I can’t just say it, fuck I cant even type it. 

How do I even streamline everything in my head. I’ve never thought about how I feel cause it makes me mad, and I don’t like being angry. I don’t like how it makes me feel. 

Why the fuck I have so many issues coming from a family that wasn’t terrible, just had it’s little quirks, beats me. 

My mom, I love her to bits, she works her ass off for us and I am eternally grateful for that. Our relationship hasn’t always been good, it only really improved until after I turned 19. We used to fight a lot. But not in the fist fighting sense. It was mostly me doing things she didn’t want me doing but I did any way so she just yelled at me all the time. She used to hit me and my siblings when we were kids. She never beat us until we turned blue, and it didn’t make her a bad mom when she would tell me to grab her heels instead of a belt. 

I have never talked about this memory, thought about this memory, it is one I like to keep locked away. I must have been 8, we had just recently moved the year before. I remember running upstairs, my mom was chasing me, yelling at me. Saying she was gonna beat me until I bled. I remember being cornered, screaming, crying, looking up at her, and that’s all I remember. That’s where the memory ends. My memories don’t pick up again until I was about 11 years old. 

I used to hate her for it, but I know now that she was just coping with her anger the only way she knew how, and I don’t blame her for it. It was normal for her, it was normal for us. 

Wow I feel like I went off track, but hey there’s your not so tragic backstory, just a kid with a mom who had anger issues sometimes. UGH man I hate talking about this. Cause I know it could have been worse. I think that’s one of the reasons I have never talked about it, wrote about it, or anything, is cause it could have been worse. What point is there in telling someone if it doesn’t change anything. Like why the fuck am I so altered by a childhood that wasn’t even that bad. 

Anyway

Because of that we used to fight a lot. 

My mom is your typical girly girl, does her nails, and im not gonna lie she is very pretty. She takes good care of herself. 

I am very much the opposite. I got into alt-rock at an early age and fell in love with being all angsty. I cut my hair off, wore baggy band tees, black skinny jeans, and topped it off with my huge ass DC sneakers. I pierced my own ears a few times, pierced my friends ears. I tried piercing my LIP when I was 10, the needle only went in half way. That shit still makes me laugh. 

Basically, I looked like a little emo boy and I liked it. I liked the way people would avoid looking into my eyes, or would look away quickly, or called me sir. I think I liked it so much only because my mom hated it. 

She used to be very... vain? I mean low key still is, but whatever. Right about 10 years old is when I remember my mom making comments about my weight. I did sports in school, but it was never enough to stop my mom from telling me I was too heavy, or that I wasn’t sucking in my stomach enough. There were other things going on at home that I think snowballed it but that’s for another time.

I’ve never called it an eating disorder but I guess that’s what it was. What it is. It wasn’t debilitating, I never got underweight, I looked normal and healthy. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I stopped eating, I tried puking, I started binging. Not enough to cause attention, just enough to feel in control because I didn’t know how else to deal with everything going on. 

After I moved out, I thought I had moved past it. I really thought I was doing something, and getting buff, that was the goal: get ripped as fuck. I was going to the gym 6 days a week, for an hour or two, lifting weights. But I wasn’t eating. I had no idea I wasn’t eating, I was just busy. Always busy. 

I didn’t realize how much it affected me until last year. An acquaintance of mine asked me if I was “ok” because I was looking “really thin”. Never in my Life had I heard those words directed at me, ever. That shook me So Hard. 

I don’t want this to be a dunk on my mom, I love her so much, and she’s grown so much as a person and as a mother. I’ve forgiven her. Which is why this shit makes me so mad ‘cause it’s like, “I’ve forgiven her but why can’t I make it stop,”

TLDR;

Okay All of this to say: Im back home 

quarantine has definitely fucked up my weight, as it has for many others. but now being back at home with my mom telling me everyday 

wow ur getting fat

if u dont exercise youll get fat

I see your double chin you need to loose weight. 

like WHY is it fucking me up. why is my parents fighting and ignoring each other again still fucking me up. Why cant i sit down tune that shit out and just fucking work like i need to. Why cant i fucking eat. why is it so hard to just say “i need help but i dont know how”

It’s been a week and I have totally ignored everyone that’s been reaching out to me.

Why do I feel so guilty.

Man, I feel like such a whiny bitch baby.