#IM JUST TRYING TO PLAY FUCKING SOLITAIRE

[stardustcrusaders]

opened up solitaire for windows for the first time in years and years and years because i wanted something mindless to do while listening to this podcast and theres ads in this shit now. in solitaire. ads. in solitaire for windows. they interrupt you playing solitaire (for windows) to show you an unskippable 30 second ad for some shitty mobile game-esque thing to download in the Solitaire & Casual Games App (where you play solitaire) (for windows)

[pickafandomanyfandom]

Ok ok ok everybody shut up I’m talking abt Micheal Holden /j

ALICE THE DETAILS!!! IM LITERALLY IN LOVE WITH THEMMM 😭😭😭

He’s so fucking adorable I love him 😭😭

Nah bc when I’m worried about something I’ll sit in silence and articulate the way I feel into like a fucking essay as if I was actually gunna tell someone but like never do. He’s had that speech written and playing in his head nonstop for AT LEAST 18 hours. And to quote solitaire:

“Are you drunk?”

“Im a Poet.”

Case closed I win

HE CALLS HIM CHARLES

IM MELTING 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Y’all don’t wanna hear my whole ass essay abt the meaning and symbols in just this one picture. I could literally talk about every single pixel for hours

To again quote solitaire

“Im a magical anime girl”

ALICE ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME

Ok, that was all. Thank you

[autumnbrambleagain]

im so glad to be back to writing self indulgent nonsense

i'm writing stuff with s/v/chim/etc and it's like

it's the most self indulgent shit ever

it's inarguably some of the worst written nonsense i've made in the past 10 years and i'm enjoying it more than anything ive written in the past 10 years

when you hang out with your friends do you hold yourself to a high performance standard

when you play catch in the backyard do you try to do it at your best

when you go for a walk do you do your best walk possible

when you play solitaire are you trying to be the solitaire pro

or do you just fucking enjoy doing things now and then

the american government is about to be run by an incestuous knot of assholes who all hate one another and have no qualifications other than being assholes and that's what it is MOTS of the time anyway and it's about ot be even WORSE than that and

if they're allowed to fuck up the entire goddamn world and possibly ruin millions and millions of lives so they can feel like they win their stupid fucking fac itoon politics

ok then i'm giving in and i'm just enjoying writing self indulgence. no the internet isn't going to get to see it because fuck the internet. fuck the entire internet this place sucks these days

i feel like i'm coming back into a party that i left and being like "actually i was right, everything IS much ncier outside the party. y all still living like this? okay im going back outside bye"

and then i go outsdie

[itgirlgyu]

HOW I THINK GAMING WITH TXT WOULD BE LIKE!

authors note! —this was my first ever request!! i apologise for the inaccuracies of my gaming knowledge I've never played a game except for exclusively beginner version of solitaire or those old nokia snake mobile games.

YEONJUN

it's actually quite enjoyable

will talk hella smack before yall like get your hands on the controller

swears he's pro

p.r.o, he actually spells it out

I don't think he understands some rules either

nevertheless

he's actually good until he gets too fancy with his moves to show off

and then keeps on dying a few hundred times

and then he's quiet like yo iMMA focus

"imma set the money where the mouth is at"

still keeps losing the more he focuses

which is EXACTLY why it's worth playing with him.

man just hilarious to look at while he's getting his ass getting handed back to him

I'm not saying he's a sore loser but like maybe, like just a few dozen times, he will put in casual conversations that, he wasn't in particular flow that day so you should play with him again

rinse and repeat

if he wins, he's gonna use that against you for like half a year

SOOBIN

1/2 worst person to play with

catch me jack hammering a rusted nail into my feet rather than playing with him

THIS MAN is like so fucking smug

but like he gets to gloat bc HES GOOD AT GAMES

and that's the problem, is that that he's way too good and I hate that

like lose sometimes for new flavor maybe?

what's even worse is that he's like actually talented at games, like crazy

just go play for the country then mf

lifeless loser

and what's worse is that he'd be like so casual about it

like oh yeah I beat your ass 200 times, I guess I got lucky, I'm just such a natural.

but like in games

"biTCH QUIT WHINING ABOUT KILL STEALS. TRY TO STOP ME IF YOU CAN U CXNT ABHAHAAB"

I'm telling u he's shady

he gives off that one student in class whose like oh i didn't study for shit and ends up getting 98 percent.

play with him, but never against him.

BEOMGYU

2/2 worst person to play with

runs his mouth more than than the fingers on his console

tries to gaslight you into giving up items for him or not kill him

not really a honorable move but sometimes it works so I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to survive

talks smack but like the type to drag your mother into it but if you do it back he will cry

the console smasher

will blame anything and everything

"IT'S NOT Fault I PRESSED THIS BUTTON WHY DIDNT IT WORK?!"

his luck is the worst like man will be trying his hardest and then get jumped by someone for fun

excels in those sniper games tho

might actually get into debts to buy items so keep an eye out for it

is also a sore loser but unlike yeonjun he won't coax you into playing another game with you

more like bully the fuck out of you to get into another game with him until he beats you

you can't even escape him by pretending to lose

he's got hawk eye

like suddenly developed a conscience

this man's evolution is questionable

good luck to you

TAEHYUN

best option tbh

like I see no (apparent) red flags

but I don't think he's that into gaming a lot so you'd have to drag him into it.

I don't think he understands the rules either but unlike yeonjun he's more discreet about it because he doesn't wanna get bullied

improvise, improve, eliminate

im sure it didn't make sense but literally ends up learning about the game as he goes and he actually gets good at it

like slightly, but it's the effort that counts

"so which team am I on?"

"taehyun you died."

his teammates will actually help with shit and item

acts like he's fine in the games when he gets his ass beat while in reality he's not fine

acts like he doesn't give a fuck about winning or losing

but he does indeed give many fucks about it

will improve his gaming skills to avenge his bruised ego

if provoked enough , he will track your ip address down and doxx you.

HUENING KAI

It will be a fun time for sure

maybe not the best player but it's the effort that counts right

he's all cute and nice when yall are playing civil games like animal crossing looking at each others island and stuff

but nay nay dont fall for his sweet looking dumb smile

go into shit like among us or other brutal games

man's gonna backstab u in a second

hes so shady but like unlike soobin he isn't quite successful at it

like cheats whenever cheating is possible in anyway

but hes just such a poor executioner of it

its actually pitiful

gets you wondering should i just die for his sake

loves gaming but maybe not the best at it lmao

he's so cute so it's always such a good time with him

"I will report you if you talk about shoving someone's bead into a horse's backside again tho, animals have the right too! what if the horses don't like pegging?"

doesn't give you a headache like the rest of them except for a few bald stops you get by ripping your own hair while stopping him from blind siding you

bombastic side eye for the amount of times he tried to go behind your back tho

he's actually a good player to have on your team tho

© to itgirlgyu. feedbacks are always appreciated!!!!

[nutzworth]

DAY 5: JANUARY 31, 2024 (i got to start reading more consistently.)

STATS: read for ~3 hrs pages read: 1052-1359. 307 pgs. act 4! slur count: 8 + 1 = 9 (john r slur on 1 of his defaced posters) silly count: 11 + 0 = 11 (i might have missed some. to be honest) piss count: 1/3

THOUGHTS: today started with john's alchemizing spree! i really like the alchemy even though i can NOT understand how the binary and codes quite work. john does though. johns really smart about alchemy in sburb specifically. this section also has a lot of funny john faces. i love this guy

FINALLY the end of dave and bros strife! jesus! been 2 sessions sicne it started! i said this last time but i think its SO INTERESTING how bro doesnt cut or stab dave in any way during the strife. they clash and lil cal gets torn up and daves sword gets 1/2ed and daves SYMBOL gets scratched but when hussie shows dave after the fight hes winded and bruised and battered but hes NOTABLY NOT BLOODY! obviously being bruised cus youre FIGHTING! WITH YOUR DAD! is bad and your dad (bro) is a criminal but. man. how much restraint was bro USING. to be SO PRECISE! did he have to choose between slashing dave and slashing cal in that split second? why else would he possibly have slashed cal? for paradox reasons? i really like dirk strider

the unofficial homestuck collection website is bugging out SO BAD for me. for so many flashes today the music just did not play. it SUCKS! but its fine i just play the music in another tab. i hope they fix that but i know its not priority

i really like the few dave logs i read today. dave is sooooo sad puppy on the other side of a cracked door that sees you and wants to get in the room but cant figure out how to push open the door so he just whines. "hello" "what are you doing" "man where are you" "are you there" he is so cute. in contrast the other dave log today was DAVE AND TAVROS!!!! HOORAY FOR TAVROS! and dave in this one is really funny hes so nonchalant and like "no man. if you want to have sex with a 13 yr old boy okay dude. im on board. time and place." and tavros is like UM! NO! IM GOOD! HAHA! }:) ! they are so funny. the striders are SO internet troll. dave does it flawlessly

KANAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE KANAYA! SHES MY FAVORITE TROLL! shes so awesome in the kanaya/rose log she is so funny. start talking to this girl like "humans cant understand time travel when its really so simple youre all kind of dumb" and ending with "hey we should be friends". i literally love her

EXILES! not much happened with the exiles. introduced to aimless renegade. what a cop. pa harley heart! thanks for your guns pa!

THE FLASH WHEN ROSE ENTERS THE GAME IS SO COOOOOL!!!!!!!!! i really really like it unfortunately the sound didnt work so all the beats didnt hit quite right but they hit ENOUGH. SO COOL! I LOVE ROSE!!!! theres so much going on all the time for that girl. i love you rose

INTERMISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really like the intermission i think its so fun trying to parse what the hell is happening. i have GOT to read problem sleuth because so many of the things i find funny are straight up just problem sleuth bits

hussie averting the readers expectations with the like You have a deck of cards. ==> play solitaire With what cards? Dumbass? Fuck off. You only have your WAR CHEST. i think this is hussie like softdropping his rivalry with his audience. it starts with silly banter and then hes like im going to make a character representing the fandom and im going to kill her off (calliope)

the felt are SO COOL! if anyone knows all the pun names for them lmk. i only know a few obvious ones.

the intermission is SO gory. theres so much blood and death and guns and knives. like ok dude i get youre in mafia gangs or whatever but cool it on the blood and yucky faces! yeesh! there is also more crude jokes in it than normal i think. maybe cus these are real adults with pornography in their briefcases than like 13 yr olds. "jack king off" "you beat it(your heart) pretty often" "fist full of penis" etc

you kjnow what drives me crazy. the ACTUAL REAL TIMELINE of the intermission. or at least what it means for the rest of the comic. obviously the intermission is foreshadowing (esp when slick gets his eye and arm cut off; mentioning lord english; etc) but like. its MORE. when i first read homestuck i was under the impression that the intermission was just some other timeline in some universe. granted i dont remember slicks eye and arm getting nixed or karkat vantas reveal or lord english mention or anything that foreshadows anything. but NO! its NOT some other timeline! but it IS another universe. its ALTERNIA!!!!!!!!!!!

the story of jack noir (spades slick) as i know it is as follows: jack noir spawns in derse ==> commits a crime (probably shittalking the queen) ==> gets exiled to... um. somewhere. ==> i assume he meets karkat here? and stabs him. and karkats blood is revealed and then theyre friends ==> slick (now scurrilous straggler) is left on the green moon? exiled in rags ==> he builds a city ==> the felt's mansion is there also. they form gangs and become rivals ==> intermission starts; midnight crew infiltrates lord english's lair to get the vault prizes ==> slick goes in the vault and begins commanding karkat. if im wrong about any of this correct me im so curious

i really like clubs deuce and diamonds droog. i wish crowbar was in the intermission more. clover is just like nagito komaeda. trace and fin are insaaaane. i wish i knew more about the felt

ACT 4! GAME!!!!! game on lowas. its really cool i didnt get to play it my first readthrough. love the salamanders and love the captchalogue nonsense. it is so fun. thats all for today folks

[dreamlandgirlie]

the cleveland guardians (taylor’s version) aka specifically taylor swift lyrics that remind me of the boys (ty @lalaloobzy for the inspiration)

the last great american dynasty, but specifically the bridge: “they say she was seen on occasion, pacing the rocks, staring out on the midnight sea” - for some reason it just makes me think of that time when kip played for the cubs (i think?) and tipped his hat to the empty stands in cleveland during 2020 but also “and then it was bought by me” bc it implies a new era of chaotic energy (in the best way) within our organization

the great war: “there’s no morning glory, it was war it wasn’t fair” - this seems self explanatory

begin again: “i’ve been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end. but on a wednesday, in a cafe, i watched it begin again” - this just makes me feel hopeful for the future? like when it’s a new season or we get new players, etc.

peace: “i’d give you my sunshine, give you my best, but the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me.” - aka we’re gonna try hard and have fun but we aren’t gonna win (for the most part)

long story short: “past me, i wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things. your nemeses will defeat themselves before you get the chance to swing.” - this rly makes me think of like around 2022 alds time, it’s also something i wish i could go back and tell myself (especially as someone who is so ride or die for josh naylor, given the drama surrounding him at the time)

electric touch: “all i know is this could either break my heart, or bring it back to life.” - how i feel literally every game

change: literally the whole song but specifically “they might be bigger but we’re faster and never scared” - this also doesn’t need any explanation

the very first night: “we were built to fall apart. we broke the status quo, then we broke each other’s hearts” -we defy everyone’s expectations and then we lose right after

forever winter: “live my life scared to death, he’ll decide to leave instead” - josé ramírez, do i need to explain further than that? hoax: “you know i left a part of me back in new york. you knew the hero died so what’s the movie for? you knew it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart.” - OUCHHH 2022 alds ☹️

dear reader *i couldn’t narrow it down to just one lyric for this so here are multiple*:

“you don’t have to answer just ‘cause they asked you”

“bend when you can, snap when you have to”

“you wouldn’t take my word for it if you knew who was talking”

“my friends found friends who care, no one sees when you lose when you’re playing solitaire.” - ALL of the above are josey and you cannot tell me im wrong

the archer: “who could ever leave me darling? but who could stay” and the entire “they see right through me, they see right through me” part - bc no fr…who COULD stay?

castles crumbling: “now they’re screaming at the palace front gates, used to chant my name, now they’re screaming that they hate me.” and “you don’t want to know me, i will just let you down” - ever since this came out it has literally played in my head every time one of the boys is expected to be the ‘hero’ in a precarious situation but ultimately fucks up/we don’t win/etc

look what you made me do: “honey i rose up from the dead, i do it all the time” and “all i think about is karma” - just waiting for karma to do its thing towards anyone who has wronged us 🤷‍♀️

[capan-deveraux2]

Can I share something?

I’m sick of being told to eat more, that I’m too skinny, that I’m skin and bones, that I have no curves. I’m sick of people saying I’m not feminine. and to be honest when I did put on weight I was told no guy would want me if I kept letting myself go. I’m told to wear makeup by my coworkers, because I look too tired, I’m so tired of not being taken seriously, of others making comments about my disposition when it has nothing to do with the quality of my work.

I’m doing my dang best, but when I have to cut my medical leave short by two weeks because I cannot afford to not have the paycheck for those two weeks, the last thing I want to hear is that the men I work with have noticed that I’ve been grumpy since I’ve been back. (SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU TIM IMMA USE YOUR REAL NAME I GOT A VERBAL REPRIMAND THANKS TO YOU) especially from my boss who makes it uncomfortable and I’m gonna get hate for it because she’s a lesbian talking to me about how I need to smile more, so I look nicer.

I’m sick of being one of two night shift workers and having her as my lead follow me for an hour as I’m sobbing about my dog dying WHILE IM ACTIVELY DOING MAINTENANCE WHICH IS A BIG PART OF MY JOB and I especially don’t want to hear said lead comment on how I could be more efficient while she sits on her ass playing solitaire on her phone.

I’m sick of filling in at other schools and having the male custodians pulling equipment out of my hands because as they put I should, “ let a man do that” or my personal favorite “ a pretty thing shouldn’t have to exert herself” or the age old “wouldn’t want you to mess up your nails”. And mind you I’ve been using this equipment from the age of 18

^^^^the nails said grown ass men are so worried about ^^^^^^

But I’m most sick of all of how my appearance or personality seem to matter more than the quality of my work in a job where I only interact with people on average 30 minutes (usually less) a day. I’m polite and quiet and friendly with student who are curious about my job.

But something I know I’ll love is the look on their faces when I turn in my physical, photographic, and video evidence in to HR.

Like the video I managed to take of my lead rifling through my purse

Or the same lead calling her son to check in with the grandkids cuz she’s hoping they miss memaw

Or Tim taking a nap in the bed in the nurses office

Or either of them leaving campus without clocking out for a minimum of 30 minutes before they clock out and take their full lunch

Or the bandages I had to wrap my hand with after my lead (who actually didn’t know how to use the equipment) ran over a cord with the side by side sending if flying into me leaving not only ugly welts but a pretty nice sized gash where the metal prongs got the meaty part of my hand with the pictures i took day of

Or the bandages where same lead managed to gouge me with a rusty nail

Never mind the fact that both times she managed to try to talk her way out of trouble

Honestly I think I just needed to rant white I look for a new job

[skautism]

ANSWER ALL THE EVEN NUMBER QUESTIONS ON THE ASK GAME YOU REBLOGGED!!! MWAHHAHAAHA!

(if u dont wanna do that thats ok lol just do like… 2-6… when i rb those posts i always lowkey wanna answer all the questions so i thought maybe u might enjoy this !)

WOOOO oh boy. ill skip the two i already answered (and fucking. misread)

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

im gonna only say happy things. having an art mom, my first internet friend ever who introduced me to vocaloid, and futurama

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

newsies (1992), borderline forever, and ghostbusters :3

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

incorrectly weighing a package before shipping it so that the recipient has to pay the postage

what made you start your blog?

musicals lol

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

best: frieeeends :)/worst: strangers not knowing how to mind their damn business

what scares you the most and why?

death. do i need to explain that?

any reacquiring dreams?

mostly fucked up shit like getting sexually assaulted. also lots of getting lost. i only ever have recurring nightmares :/

tell a story about your childhood

my mom pierced my ears for me as a kid since the only option for a 6 year old in georgia at the time was claires and she doesnt like claires at all. we had to do each ear months apart because it hurt a lot and scared me. had to give in and do the other ear because my dads 2nd wife said one ear was tacky and they were about to have their wedding

would you say you’re an emotional person?

nooooooooooo the only place im vulnerable on is here

what do you consider to be romance?

longass walks together

what’s some good advice you want to share?

LEARN TO TOUCHTYPE

what are you doing right now?

about to get back to my fic draft yippeeeeeee

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

nothing really? its either "i dont care that im scared ill do it" or "yeah i dont want to do that i dont think id like it"

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

very silly but. wii and 3ds

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

we are removing my health problems

name 3 things that make you happy

writing, mario kart, trapeze

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

both

favourite thing about the day?

sunny breeze :3

favourite things about the night?

its quieter and easier to walk around because theres less cars

are you a spiritual person?

i mean i believe in ghosts

say 3 things about someone you love

they make really cool music and are supportive of what i do without trying to force me into bullshit and make me really happy

say 3 things about someone you hate

he doesnt know how to actually take accountability for fucking up, hes a dick to my mom, and tried to force me off my meds when they were still working

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

im writing again! i thought i never would actually get the ideas and motivation back

fave season and why?

fall!!!!!! halloweeeeen and better weather and stepping on leaves and pinecones

fave colour and why?

purple. its pretty :)

any nicknames?

i have a few based on my real name but wont share them for obvious reasons lolol

what do you do when you’re sad?

jack off

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

card games

are you messy or organised?

extremely fucking messy

how many tabs do you have open right now?

13 on my laptop

any hobbies?

game collecting, playing video games, cd collecting, various art mediums including digital and traditional art and sewing/embroidery and knitting and linocut/blockprinting, obsessively reading tvtropes, bass, piano, guitar, saxophone, sudoku, solitaire, and writing fanfiction

any pet peeves?

people going "shhhh" it hurts my fucking ears SO BAD

do you trust easily?

yeah

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

walls up. i know that directly contradicts trusting easily its complicated

share a secret

id rather not

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

look at my pinned post and guess. and because i like video games and its funny and i like the characters

any bad habits?

vaping and also my ten billion ocd compulsions

[p-t-f-s]

everytime i make a new friend or i open up about shit it /always/ ends up at one point or another they say my life is like a tv show or i should write a book or pitch my life - like more a handful amount of times, like damn near every time i make a friend. and like. i wish they were wrong when i try to look objectively at what im telling them and not just. my life that i wake up and live and go to sleep with every day. but also like. thats also a looooooooooot of people ive met??? everyone has interesting and fun stories, but most of life is so similarly repetitive that we forget it more than we experience. also i do believe it is my autistic rizz. and ability to self sooth and parent.

[its all just personal life bitching/discussion/musings below]

anyways i wish life would be calm for like. a couple months pls. i know a year is too much to ask but literally this year has been a lot. like last year was a lot but it wasnt a fucking competition. getting my car stolen again, then losing my job in what was supposed to be my 5 year anniversary, and then finding out my uncle had stage 4 cancer. then it was spring break and i got to visit my cousing with a thankfully preplanned and prepayed vacation during the midst and height and she and her husband were like "heres our cocktail maker. get as drunk as you want" which was nice of them so i stayed tipsy half the time i was awake instead of high while in seattle. went to a wine tasting expo. got throw up drunk. my cousin was very impressed by my ability to keep my manners while drunk past my tits and wait to throw up till after id rolled the window down and stuck my head out. i was getting blackout drunk bc id apparently texted my friends i loved them which i had no recollection of doing considering my phone was actively dying while i was still only actually tipsy at that expo. i was also less stress then bc my car had been found. totalled, crashed and smashed in the front which thankfully i owed less than it was worth so they payout covered the downpayment for my new car. rip to not getting my personalized horse license plate with my name on it. then i get back home and my uncle is now dead and the whole family is in town for the funeral. its been a cascade of em for a few years now since my mom started the party back in 21.

by the viewing id started a new job for a week. close by home and only a dollar less than previously. they were asking a whole lot for shit pay in truth. and NOW. I FIND OUT THE JOB I STARTED WHILE TAKING A FRAUD ACCOUNTING CLASS. MIGHT BE VICTIM TO FRAUD. POSSIBLY SINCE INCEPTION AND IN THE MOST TERRIBLY HORRIBLY OBVIOUS WAY THAT JUST KEPT SLOWLY AND SLOWLY GETTING PEELED AND REVEALED. I love it when the head of one department tells me hes in cahoots with the head of another dpt and a few workers from their and others about the terrible company shit they found and are kinda looking at other jobs. ofc he did say that after i said to his face that i was spending a bit every morning applying to other jobs after learning of the possible fraud VIA OUR """CONSULTING CFO""" having been previously convicted of fraud. twice. over a decade between convictions. were getting drinks later this week for him to tell me everything else hes found and lurked about in the system. and how no one understands what accounting is or does or how i actually spend half or most of my day playing solitaire or watching anime. bc they want me to be a controller but are calling and paying me at the clerk level. so thats what they get. i love the phrase act your wage.

theres still so many other things that have happened this year too that i still havent mentioned. like the moon hole. passive aggressive fighting with my upstairs neighbor who said i was "delusional and fucking hallucinating" bc i said he stomps in the middle of the night. and literally as i typed that there he went above my head at. ah. 10:58 pm. since my second talking to him in march i know ive not been the only one to talk to him about his shaking the goddamn foundations of the building or waking the toddler constantly in the apartment next to his, diagonal from mine. the surprise birthday party my friends threw for me after literally freightening me when i came home with surprise and each giving me different hearfelt and attentive gifts of all my different interests. weekly dinners with my dad on the same days he was court ordered to have my older siblings and i during the week as he lives 10 minutes away taking care of our grandfather. hes the only reason i get updates on my older sisters life as she blocked me on all social media and cut me from her life before our mothers death for our differing political beliefs. infighting truly is the death of leftists as out beliefs were always closer together than to that of our very republican parents. but im also not an american government shoe loving authority cuck like most the rest of em. "you know what its like to be a minority bc you were a literal minority of being white kids going to a majority black school in the city." to my fucking FACE. not only is that incredibly dismissive on so many levels but like with how LEGITIMATELY my siblings took and NOODED THEIR HEADS?????? TO IT. truly fiction is a joke compared to life.

anyways this is the most any of you will ever get from me here on tumblr in months, good luck to any of my followers seeing this who were unaware i am a person and wassup to my mutuals entirely unaware of my life and smooches to my dear dear friends who are all very aware of all of this. everyone else. idgaf, this was for me to vent and proclaim. bc i lay down in my bed with my cat looking very disappointed that im not asleep despite how late it is and i have to go to sleep keeping all of that with me for the rest of my life. oh it may not stay close, it may not be completely there by the end, but i know i will always be aware even more so than before when i was living out of my car, of what i keep in and am willing to leave in and with it. I have somehow kept that cute little cactus my friend gave my for my birthday alive still, i now have a whole wall of plants that ive kept alive for over a year, and i plant to keep that as long as I can. I have presents and gifts and memories that i plan to look fondly on tomorrow and the day after and the day after that and so on. afterall. I need to check on my plants and water them, and feed my cat. everyday a tragedy happens and still i must feed my cat. my mother was dying, and still i had to feed my cat. was she suffering? no, she was not even there anymore to be suffering and still i must go home and feed my cat and sleep and wake up and there is my cat to welcome my mornings after guarding my nights, a clear agreement that she must be fed once pleased with her pettings. my elder sister blocked me and cut me from her life before our mothers death and even during she did not change, strong in her stance and belief not even grief would change or ease her foundations. nor would my grief stop my cat from being fed. every day i wake and sleep with all these things and one day my cat will die. and i will grieve. and it will not be her that gets me through it, but she will never be parted from me again. i will wake up and make the same sleepy motions that indicate her morning ritual that will not be performed. my day will be as different and as same as it was before. i will sleep and i will wake with it all and i will meet someone new and tell them the first time i really got into energy drinks was after getting a whole case for being a smartass at 7am to emergency driving instructors. that i only started drinking coffee bc a boy who liked me worked at starbucks and so gave me a large giftcard and an in to getting my first job at starbucks. you never know why or how somethings started.

[tears-of-boredom]

currently actively trying to impair my hearing. god i fucking hate adults. i had to hear the same "ideas" on how to improve our home life today. hold on its been like. oh my god i just remembered how old i am dear god. i literally thought i was 13 for a sec. but yeah its been like um like maybe nine-ish years now that ive heard the same suggestions. this time one of them even had the gaul to say that perhaps this "fresh perspective" might help. its just like. they dont understand that we're all really mentally ill? like they're all just really stupid. literally both me and my brother know what works the best for us and it is to be fucking left alone. but they hear that and go "but what if no though" and then its soo weird when the stupid ass plan they make doesn't work out.

anyways yeah tonight is a "actively deafening myself" kinda night. problems with one app so i have to redownload it which will take like 6 hours. i mean the problem wasnt big but i just dont want to put it off and let it evolve into something worse ya know. its not that bad, i just cant use much bandwidth for other things or it'll take like 3 days to download lmao. and thats why im ending this here. ill see if it can handle me playing solitaire simultaneously haha

[nineliabilityrisk]

my dumb ass got preoccupied playing solitaire of all things and forgot to write smth to queue for tomorrow. ill try to post something when i wake up, whenever that is, because i have a few half-finished drafts and one or two that just need formatted, but its currently 5:15 am and i need to fucking sleep. so i will not be doing that tonight. if i cant manage to get something out at a reasonable time tomorrow ill just. double stack the queue for saturday if i can manage it. i dunno man. im so sleepy goodnight

[seasstarsandscars]

im the skinniest ive been in a long time. since i started paying attention. and it doesnt matter. nothing does anymore.

im tired of trying, of planning, i dont care anymore. i plan and it gets washed out to sea. i try and i just have to do it all again. why fucking bother? ive been trying for the past fucking year and what has it got me? lying in bed playing solitaire on my phone because i cant get up?

there's nothing left in me. im tired, the well is empty. i just dont care anymore. i played the game i followed the rules and i. still. lose.

wish i could just sleep, for a whole year. check on me then, maybe things will be better.

[crap0u]

༺✮༻

So, yeah, I introduce myself

༺✮༻

Hello, i'm Nao!★ a 18y guy with dye hair ahah.

I use he/they/she and i'm a genderfluid person. I love everyone (in romantic/sexual way), because YES, peoples are so attractive men. I love girls, i love boys, i love you whatever you are !!♡

Also, i'm...

enfp, 7w8 (sx/so) 721 (7w8 - 2w1 - 1w2), Sanguine/Choleric, Slu|A|i, FELV

(what a cool type you say ? yeaaah…i know buddy)

I didn't introduce how I am. I ask some friends one day and they present me like : an extravert person with a lot of imagination. I take care, i LOVE peoples and i'm not afraid to show how much. And i approve, i know how to express my interior feelings with world, i know i can can just scream : I LOVE YOU!! I'M PROUD!!

also, im the king of cringe. i love this. it's so funny to make peoples embarrassed. Be fun is the best thing.

+ I HAVE A OBSESSIVE PROBLEM WITH MIZUKI KURASHINA SINCE 2017 I CAN'T LOVE ANYONE ELSE THAN THIS CHARACTER MAN....

Oh!! I didn't say my 3 kins. I hope you play video games and read manga.

🥇Joe Tazuna (from You Turn To Die)

🥇 Michael Holden (from Solitaire)

🥉Zen (from mystic messenger)

i don't know how but, JOE?? SO ME?? I'm afraid because he's litteraly ME. THAT'S SO WEIRD. ALL OF HIS REACTIONS BRO.

Okay now my redflags, because…yes.

★ intj's are my beloved. all of my friends and ex-bf are intj WTF??? WHY? STOP (they afraid me fr…)

★ i have my own moral, i hate people against her. I can be a little impulsive.

★ im scorpio? peoples say it's a redflag

★ i have 7. I WANT TO FEEL FREE AND TRY SO MUCH THINGS!! FUCK OFF EVERYTHING! HAPPINESS FIRST!

★ not really good at school…..

★ SO BAD AT MATHEMATICS

★ i forgive people to easily……..

★ I FORGOT ALL OF MY BAD PERIODS……DENIAL. or traumatized

★ im too MUCH in love.. (when i am)

★ absolutely extrem in my ideas. i make things in BIG way.

to finish, avatar the last Airbender is my fav show and real account my fav manga forever<3

[dearmagenta]

WHY EVERYONE SEEM SO SURPISED THEN YOU SAY "YEAH IM PLAYING MINESWEEPER" EVERYONE JUST BLOWING UP LIKE "IH MY GOD YOU CAN PLAY IN IT?" "HOW ARE YOU DOING IT" "ISNT ITS THE GAME WHERE YOU JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THE BOMB IS?" CAN YOU FOR ONCE TAKE YOUR HEAD AND READ THE RULES AND UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING AWESOME MINESWEEPER IS LIKE THEN YOU HAVE THE 48X48 FIELD AND YOU CLEAR IT ALL AND ITS BETTER THEN WHATEVER YOU SAY IN THE MEME ABOUT "THE THING BETTER THAN SEX IS.." CUZ WINNING THE MINESWEEPER IS GODLIKE? THE STRESS THEN THE LAST CARDS YOU CLICK AND WIN BY YOUR LOGIC CONCLUSIONS? NO YOU SEE MINESWEEPER ONLY AS A USLESS GAME OF "RANDOM CLICKING CUBES ON FIELD" IF YOU CANT READ THE RULED THEN SHUT UP AND PLAY YOUR DUMBASS TASTLESS SOLITAIRE

[dykeyote]

a list of jedidiah moments that i think abt to try and illustrate this bc i need to express what a Character he is

he is deeply afraid of shelled animals and constantly researches them for his safety, meaning he knows tons of off the cuff facts about snails due to the intensity of this research

he killed his dad on accident due to his fucked up magic

he went to a party in college and requested they play the skyrim ambient music so that he could do an interpretive dance of the lore . he was drunk but not drunk enough to forget this several years later

he did a ritual on a pig that was so disgusting and horrifying that he can no longer eat pork years later

this was so that he could murder and then reanimate his best friend who hes in love w as a weird fucked up way of waking him up out of a coma . the reason he jumped to this conclusion was by the logic that bc hes an engineer and not a doctor (DESPITE GOING TO MED SCHOOL????) he should fall back on the classic strat of "turn him off and back on again" . he is presumed to be the only person who has ever successfully practiced necromancy

after doing all that effort he felt so yuckydisgusting that he avoided said best friend for YEARS like this was the reasonable way to handle it

he's obsessed w his journals and when they were taken from him he referred to them as being "kidnapped" . he keeps them in a safe behind a framed picture of jerry lawson

said journals are worshipped like the bible by this cultist freak who hates him . also if you read the journal you die creepypasta style

when he was a child he had a pet fruitfly that he named "fruity" that he stared at constantly . it died bc he never considered the idea that maybe he needed to feed said fruitfly . this destroyed him

he also had a maggot infestation in his room which terrified him . when the maggots were taken away this Also destroyed him for some fucking reason who knows why he was intensely attached to these fucking maggots

he is canonically bad at hugging

he canonically kindates

he was afraid of a girl he knew in college bc they had dyed hair which is implied to be bc he was THAT fucking christian (he has since stopped being christian)

he changed majors and went to med school and then later dropped out of med school to work for his mom solely for his best friend

he is too repressed to write poetry

he has two middle names which are abraham and adonais . reminder that his first name is JEDIDIAH

if we are to take random discord messages from the writers as canon . he plays solitaire on twitch to very few but intensely invested viewers

again w the above . he listens to the skyrim soundtrack on shitty earbuds because he doesnt think he "deserves better" whatever the fuck that means

another discord fact, he posted lengthly science side of tumblr paragraphs and his only follower was his best friend

he collects clocks constabtly there are so many fucking clocks in his room its insane

i dont even think this is all of them im just typung for too long

i wish i could sit all my non-chnt followers down and explain that jedidiah literally is the character of all time . like hes insane hes CRAZY the amnt of random facts i could share abt him to express to you how he is similtaneously rhe most pathetic littlw fucking loser and also maybe the worlds most insane freak to ever exist is indescribable

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Very soon headed to baby's first apartment and cutting my family off as well and am just. having a lot of thoughts about identity today

Tw: vent? and mentions of implied abuse

I'm holding onto one specific thing and it does feel personal, so I guess that's why it's at the forefront of my mind but like. So I'm making those vo.caloid playlists, and I'm stacking in the miku music, and it feels like I'm having a 2nd vo.caloid phase, and it's great! The first time I really had a whole vo.caloid phase was when I was maybe. 13 or 14 or so, and I'm not gonna lie, it was a very difficult time for me, definitely when I was beginning to come to terms with how my family was treating me. This music was here during everything that happened, and it's still here in the aftermath, still unchanged. It's something I've always loved, but I know my family would never touch it, they didn't like it, my father told me, when I was 13ish, he asked "why can't you like anything normal". It's so surreal, to see it all still here and especially to have become mainstream, something I was absolutely bullied and mocked for becoming mainstream. 13 year old me would've cried in joy. I think it absolutely is a part of who I am.

I don't think I was ever really allowed to express or have much of an identity. I didn't know I had adhd until I was 17 and found out on my own, the first words out of my mouth were "oh my god, I'm not stupid", and my family would never have considered any neurodivergence, all kids are hyperactive, this is just a fake condition so bad parents parents narc up their kids! Not that there's anything more to the condition, not that it plagued me all my life and nearly ended it when I couldn't figure out what was wrong while no one bothered to help me. I stayed closeted as a trans person for 7 years bc I knew what the repercussions would be if I came out, and when I finally did that 2ish months ago, it played out exactly as I expected it to.

The most work I'd ever gotten done with my health was when I sat down and started scheduling my own appointments, with no vehicle or license and calling the insurance to see what we even had bc no one knew. My headaches went untreated for years, no one ever turned the sound of the tv down when I had my first migraine, I got c.ovid and was told I didn't, it was a false positive, had symptoms for 10 weeks and was told it was just the flu, but got vaccinated and "you already had covid, you don't need the vaccine". The anxiety and stress played and continue to play hell with my health, but those always pass, those always get better.

I just never had a place to really openly talk about myself and how I felt and who I actually am and now that I have a chance and time to finally pull it all together I just. feel overwhelmed? I alnost feel like I simultaneously do and don't know who I am. Yes the trauma stunted me psychologically and yes I've been in therapy for a few years because of this. I don't feel prepared for picking up a job and just making things work. I have the money to be able to just pay some rent for some time, but the idea of walking out of all these years and then just stepping directly into actual adulthood like nothing happened makes me. All I've ever done is mask everything and bow my head in obedience and now I feel like I'm back to doing what I did to protect myself bc being openly trans or clearly nd isn't something that's accepted everywhere. I feel like I just wanna make something of myself after all this but I just don't know what to do. I'm only 22, I have so much time and a lot of people say that they'd never wanna be in their 20s again but.

I feel like I've been left with everything and nothing. I know what I'm doing but I don't. I was never my family's priority, I was the trophy kid who got praised for achievement and any deviation from that was punished, anything abnormal like my mental health and the like went under the rug. I'm tired and jittery from nerves, wherever I end up I just wanna be happy, that's where the bar is. I also want my stuff back since I had to leave in a rush and couldn't grab everything. I'll be called a liar, selfish, every name in the book when I do go back to get my things, when I do cut my family off and let them know why I left and what I felt, and I know it isn't true but. I feel like I'm sifting through rubble and trying to piece together what's even left. I was pushed to and beyond my limits and I shattered in the process and had to rebuild myself from the ground up, and I suppose with all the upheaval that it's still a work in progress. The stress and anxiety was all manageable until it started having physical effects on me and now it's starting to click as to how bad it was and for how long I kept it up, and now that it's no longer serving a purpose, it comes and goes in waves.

I feel like I'm trying to reclaim something I never even had to begin with. I was whatever my family wanted me to be, and now that I've gotten up and left, I feel like I'm still testing waters. I feel like I don't know how to put myself and my feelings first, since that was never an option before, even while getting to my current location, of the people who'd driven me asked how I felt about making the trip and I said that if he was okay with it then it would be fine and he immediately spun it back on me, I didn't answer, I didn't say how I felt about it, even the family I'm with now noting that I don't seem very assertive, I just. have so much work to do but feel like I don't have the time to be able to do it all before I have to pretend I'm put together enough. I don't know. I feel like I do. I want to be a cheerful person, cynicism doesn't mean maturity and all that, but there's still the terror of the joy meaning that I'm ignoring something important or that I should be focusing on something that needs work, though i suppose not feeling like I can be happy is just another mark of trauma. I'm just upset and angry and every second chance I gave my family was another knife they stuck in my back, I only have like 1/3 of my belongings that I want, my family only ever cared about control to the point of paranoia, the latter of which was also handed to me. I just.

I just want this to be over