#ILL NEVER GET OVER THAT HE COULDVE BEEN IN LONGER

[thxtmarvelchick]

tristan dugray🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

[therealpontius]

OMG OMG a fic where reader is sexually inexperienced as well as a virgin and Chris pontius is the Caring gently guide boyfriend, helping them/her/him with they're first time.

For the first time…

Chris pontius x reader (smut)

Plot: chris helps you loose your virginity…

Warnings: pain, praise, walking in to someone masterbating (?)

"Whats he like?" The question you heard non stop "whats she like?" The question he heard non stop. Not a day went by that you didnt feel guilty for chris, he was experienced with sex yet your a virgin and werent up to loosing your virginity anytime soon. Chris didnt mind though, he was more than happy but his disappointment and impatience was growing.

"Okay babe im just going for a shower" chris announced, lifting himself off the bed. You smiled lovingly up at him "okay babe, might join you later" everyone thought it was weird that you two were openly naked infront of eachother but not sexually active. "Okay babe" he disappeared into the bathroom and no longer than you couldve gotten comfy in your shared bed the shower blasted on. After weeks of saying you might join him you decided you finally would again.

You stripped off and headed to the bathroom. Knocking didnt seem convenient since he was your boyfriend. You entered the bathroom with a smile, expecting to see chris cleaning himself up. Instead you were met with chris playing with himself, mouth hung open and eyes screwed shut, leaning against the shower glass. He hadnt noticed your arrival through the blinding pleasure and the thundering shower water which gave you two options.

Option number one: walk out in a hurry to save the embarrassment, could possibly catch his attention only making the situation more awkward than option number two.

Option number two: let him know that you were there, he would get supper embarrassed and apologetic. Wouldn't embarrass you as much though.

"Or..." you thought to yourself

Option number three (?): finally do stuff with him, hes clearly wanting to have sex if hes hiding himself away to masterbate. Plus it helps you to not keep the anxiety of having to do it for the first time

Option three sounds better right?

You sneaked next to him, he still hadnt really noticed but he began to whimper softly. You anxiously brought your lips to his neck. he jumped when he felt you, looking down at you in utter shock and stopping his pumps. "Its okay baby you can continue" you softly reassured him "is this like.. you know" "yeah, im ready" with that he turned off the shower and brought you into a tight hug "cmon babe lets go to the bedroom"

Once you made it to your shared bedroom, chris offered for you to lie down on the bed. After you done as he asked he crawled over you, a sweet smile plastered on his face that calmed you right down "are you sure honey?" "Absolutely, ive waited too long and its not fair on you" "i could wait an eternity for you" chris began sloppily kissing your neck, you held back a giggle from his beard tickling you. His kisses trailed down to your belly, with each one he made sure to look at you and made sure you weren't uncomfortable. "Im going to finger you to make it ease you up. Is that okay?"

Suddenly you were filled with anxiety. What if it hurts REALLY bad? Ive never been fingered before, what if im bad at receiving it?

As if he caught on "your going to be fine babe, im here to look after you and make this feel as good as it can for you. We can stop whenever you are wanting" you both paused again "does it hurt?" "At first, yes. But when you get used to it it feels fuckin amazing. And no doubt youll be used to it tonight" once again, you paused from nerves. "Okay baby im ready".

Chris continued his kisses down to just where you clit was, stopping and putting one of his fingers in his mouth "ill go slow, dont worry" you pinched your eyes together in fear as he removed his finger. Softly chris parted your legs and entered his finger making you gasp, it wasnt as sore as you thought it would be. The sensation was really weird and new to you and as the pace slowly got quicker you looked down to chris for approval, his eye caught yours and he gave you a warm smile "this okay?" "Yeah babe it feels kinda good" a chuckle sounded from him as he puts his finger up to your clit and slowly starts rubbing it. "Im going to do two now, remember tell me whenever you want me to stop" you nodded to him, not really scared since you took the first one well. Chris slowly inserted two fingers into you and you gasped in pain, gritting your teeth together.

"Will i stop?" "No babe, continue" you felt uneasy and scared incase it wouldnt get any better but as he continued slowly the pain got more bearable and your uncomfortable shifting slowed down, moans letting themself thread out your mouth softly. "Good girl, i love you so much" you let a small laugh escape your mouth in pure joy "i love you more... i think i might be ready" "really?" You nodd in response, feeling the anxiety crawl up your neck again.

“Okay babe ill do this slow” he sits up away from you and holds his dick up to your entrance. You feel him slowly push his tip in, it felt more sore than you thought it would “FUCK OUCH” you squeal, chris instantly pulling out “nonono keep going” you reassure him, his hand slithers into yours as he continues to try and push into you. You bit your lip in utter pain, screwing your eyes so tight you thought they would never loosen again. You felt yourself stretching around him, soft huffs coming from his mouth “are you okay darling?” “Yeah” you reply shakily “your doing so good im so proud of you” he kissed your hand softly, his dick only half way in.

“Thats me in babe, this next part is going to be sore but your doing so good i cant believe it!” He praised, kissing your cheek softly. The feeling of him being sweet yet making you feel the most pain in your life clashing like sweet and sour. “Okay babe just do what you have to do” he begins pulling out and you let out a deep gasp “your okay darling” chris ran his free hand over your hair and over your cheek softly to help you cope.

Loosing your virginity is hard enough without it being to a literal meat bat.

He pushed in before he was fully out, the pain was there but it was easier to take. Five minutes later the pleasure was kicking in and he sped up alittle, you both moaned quitley. “Good girl, im so proud of you” you laughed alittle at his praising. Your arms wrapped arounf his neck and your brought him in for a sloppy kiss while he started to speed up alot faster than his previous pace. You both moaned into the others mouth, tongues intertwining into a hungry kiss that he had been waiting for forever.

He picked up from his normal pace and sat up, moving his thumb down to your clit. Your moans became alot louder making in let out a deep laugh “stop laughing!” You laugh, grabbing onto his wrist “i cant help it your so cute”.

You had read in multiple fanfics ‘the knot in your stomach’ they always said, you giggled and thought it was just some stupid way to describe the beginning of the end but it really was like that, you felt like a genuine knot was being tied in your stomach.

“Chris… i might finish soon” he kept going, resting his hand on your cheek “youll know when babe, ill finish on your stomach” “are you almost finished?” He nodded and smiled down at you. Your legs shook like jelly and you felt the knot undo its self, the release so freeing. Chris groaned at feeling you tightening around him, bitting his lip (as you did when he first started) like he was about to bite it off.

“Fuck” he gasped, pulling out and pumping himself over your naked body. After a significantly harsher pump his warm cum splatted onto your belly that rose and fell aggressively. “Fuck babe, you done so good” chris praised, standing up. The tiredness took over your body like a tsunami, barley able to speak “thankyou…” you muttered.

Chris made his way out the room for abit, you werent to sure how long from drifting off but he arrived again with a cup of tea and a wash cloth.

“Cmon dear wake up so i can clean you properly” you rub your eyes “im awake, im awake”. Softly he parted your legs, cleaning you up with a cold cloth “oh my god chris!” You yelp from the coldness “well im definitely awake now” you both chuckle “have your tea when im cleaning up then i have a surprise for after.” He beamed, pointing towards your mug that read ‘keep calm, my boyfriends bunny the life guard’

You slowly sipped on your tea admiring him, no man could ever treat anyone as well as he treats you. “Im going to do your belly now its going to be cold” he pre warned, giggling slightly like he was enjoying the aftercare more than anything. Softly he cleaned your belly making you gasp from the change from warm sweat to freezing cold water “thats you all cleaned let me put the stuff away, think of a movie while im gone”

Your eyes were fighting to close while you waiting, mind barley able to think of anything. “Thought of something?” He asks from the door frame “you pick honey i want you to have a treat too” he smiled and made his way over to the dvd stand “ive already had my treat babe”. He picked out Jurassic park and ran over to the bed “your going to love this” slowly he lifted a box from under the bed, in the box contained loads of packaged chocolates “oh my god!” You gasped “babe thankyou! Why do you have this though?” He handed the box to you and proudly said “well ive had them for awhile for when i need to do my first aftercare, i wanna do it right”

He lay on the bed, letting you lie on his chest “honey you have done more than right this is so perfect, you made it so enjoyable” softly he ran his finders through your scalp making you sleepy “ill eat them when i wake up” you trail off, excepting that no way in hell you would be able to stay awake any longer “you eat them whenever you want, close your beautiful eyes. Ill be here when you wake up” “id hope so” you laughed, kissing his chest.

He spent the next four hours watching movies and cuddling you until he eventually drifted off too…

[goremet-chef]

vent/rant

its so fucking ABSURD man. "whats with the attitude?" you want me to kill the mood even more? want me to say im depressed cuz my cat is dead and i didnt even realize that on the 21st, that would be the last time id ever see her again? is that what you fucking want?

its so NON EXISTANT to EVERYONE, it means fucking nothing to them!!! how could you care so little, just because we didnt live with her? she was the last remnant of my home. a home free of yelling and violence and blood, home where my friends live, home where i was safe and now shes gone, she was the last one. i thought i had longer with her, at least with riley i got to say goodbye properly

the same thing happened with domino, when i was younger. i felt so betrayed that they didnt even let me say bye to him, i feel a similar anger now.. but i live 2 hours away, there was no convenient way for them to let me do that. i think just..

the SUDDENNESS of the decision is what breaks my heart. she didnt know she wasnt gonna wake up ever again, she probably had no idea what was happening and its. its not like i wanted to see her die, the same way we watched riley get worse until we realized there was no saving him and he wasnt gonna get better, but.. was there really nothing we couldve done? nothing at all? was euthanasia the ONLY course of action? maybe we could have saved her, but its too late now. it doesnt matter anymore

im still kind of in denial, honestly.. it doesnt feel real. some part of me thinks it was a sick joke from my sibling. i know its not, i know its real, but with how everyones acting like it didnt happen at all, you couldnt blame me for feeling that way. part of me really hopes it was a joke but. i know if i ask ill just get confirmation that it wasnt

i wish i was there at least. that way i wouldnt be stuck in this limbo of thinking its not real. i know when riley was put down, id still go to my grandmas room and go to the living room at night somewhat hoping that he'd be there when i looked, but of course he never was. one time i was zoned out and i subconsciously reached over to pet him and feeling time stop when i froze and saw i was reaching for nothing, it hurt so fucking bad, it still hurts so fucking bad man. looking up and seeing the little box he was inside, it fucking sucks i hate this so much

i wish i was there, because at least my grandma gets it. those were her cats, have been for years. she always played it off like they werent because technically artemis and riley were OUR cats, but my mom lost her home and my grandma took us in when i was like.. 8 or 9. and she decided to go back and get them for us. im so grateful she did, because they wouldnt have lived as long as they had out there.

she gets it, because she loved them too. my mom didnt love them. my brother didnt love them. my older sister literally just completely abandoned and probably forgot about riley, who was HER cat. i remember he used to attack my feet from under the bed, when i was a little kid. the only one who came close to loving them like how we do was my oldest sibling, and even still he doesnt seem sad about it at all. like i know hes sad cuz he loved her but he rarely ever saw her, it was more like a passing claim of "oh, thats my cat", yknow?

my grandma gets it. i know she knows its really hard for me. it was so hard when domino was gone. when riley was sick, she tried to be lighthearted about it and even when i saw him for the last time, and we were both crying, she told me to say bye to him in kind of a goofy voice. i know she doesnt want to see me hurting like that, and it was kind of dreadful at the time, but im really glad she let me say goodbye to him, because it was a goodbye i meant. it wasnt "goodbye, see you later", it was the real one and i didnt get to give that to arty. i just said bye like normal, because i thought shed be okay! i thought whatever was wrong with her, we could fix. i cant believe it was so cut and dry

and i cant stand it here, they dont have and kind of sympathy, i think my mom doesnt even KNOW that i know. which means she just didnt plan on telling me at all. even my sibling was confused as to why she wouldnt have. its like they cant fathom why id be sad for more than a day or two, but i loved her! i fucking loved her, i loved all of them

i dont believe in the afterlife, but part of me wants to believe that they can at least know how much i miss them, how much i love them. its the only sort of comfort i have, even if i dont really believe it. i hope they can hear me cry and they know that its because i love them so fucking much and i want to see them again

it doesnt help that, exactly like when riley was put to sleep, im having dreams about her. dreams where shes dead, but im hallucinating her and i can see her again and im petting her and its so real.. shes there in my head and everyone around me tells me "its not real" but i dont even care! i dont care if its not real, because seeing her is enough. arty, i love you so much girl, im so fucking sorry we couldnt do anything. im sorry to riley too, and domino, and talcum. im sorry marceline, im sorry ellie. i know its not my fault, there was really just nothing we could do, but man i wish that wasnt true

they lived their whole lives with us, which is why its so crazy to me that most of my family doesnt really care. no one is gonna remember them, so ill drown myself in the grief just to honor their memory, because they deserve to be cried over. they deserve to be missed, to have someone who loves them after everything. their loss should be mourned, how could i think back on their whole lives and do anything but? i know people say "oh, remember the good times! they wouldnt want you to be sad" but the good times are gone. crying affirms the fact that i loved them and ill keep loving them until im dead too, because they deserve that

[rwqv]

bro mahito was such a good villain like he was the first villain that genuinely pissed me off.,, his writing is soo good i love it so bad but like comeee ONNNN

DADDYJAKU IS CRAZY WORK but i sgree full heartedly

pls im doubling over in pain godd GODDD i luv jjk analyses especially with megumi. no matter how bad i love gojo, megumi will always be my favoeite with his writing. my brother was super annoyed that he kept summoning mahoraga, kept flashbacking to sukuna sayinf "thats kinda a waste of your talents right?" and kept flashbacking to gojo saying hes not using all his potential ... but thats the point!!!!!!!!! hes falling behind compared to yuji and he knows it ... and hes super depressed and hes willing to summon mahoraga so much because he literally does NOT care about his life in the slightest that man actively wants to kill himself... UGHHH AND HIM BEING CALLED POTENTIAL MAN LIKE DID U GUYS EVEN READ SLASH WATCH THE SHOW...... THATS THE POINT hes like a foil of yuji AND a parallel to geto.

yghhh yuji sarcrifuce would tear me apart like i literally gave birth to yuji hes my baby my sonnn ... but i cant lie that would be a great ending

plot twist gojo comes back talking about some "im for real real!" LMFAOOOOOO jk ... as mych as i truth him to come back i think his like character development and arc was at a good enough point for him to die. like nanami's character did seem fully fleshed oht when he died but nobara (at the time) didnt seem that developed when gege killed her. but shes back baby so maybe we'll see more of her (in the remaining 5 chapters ........)

YES OMG UGH the gojo 30 questions was like the smallest glimpse we had of the gojo clan. what do you MEAN his parents are still alive and everythint TELL ME MOREEEUHHH..

did u see getos mom was on the popularity list thing rven tho we've never seen him LMFAOOO i just know shes bad asf

oh my god imb so mad. i wrote up a full lengthy response but i crashed and everythkng got deleted. ill type up what i remember but its pretty bad 😭 i was cooking before it gor deleted

ANYWAYS

i never actually thought of megumi that way holy shit… esp with the fight between toji and him in shibuya… like father: 0 cursed energy, no weapon vs. son: the 10 shadows technique and all his shikigami and he still “lost”. megumi would probably win if he couldve apply himself better. he def feels left behind just like geto did when gojo surpassed him quickly thats horrible

i feel so much more sympathetic to megumi now i feel bad 😢

ALSO ABOUT HOW HES DEPRESSED AND EVERYTHING AND WANTS TO DIE BECAUSE OF SUKUNA INHABITING HIM AND USING MEGUMI AS A WEAPON

i do also think gojos character arc is pretty finished. like i want him to come back but also he feels completed. he was the strongest but he lost (mommyraga saved sukunas ass) . gojo finally did what no one thought could be done, and he could no longer be used as a weapon (not cool yuta 😡) and he died on the same day that geto did + on the most romantic day.. i think gojo should finally truely rest now (with his shitty ass sleeping schedule he needs it)

to add on, gojo killed his best friend and had to watch as his adopted son was used as a weapon to kill him he needs to lay down and sleep. his whole sense of family too is pretty messed up w the clan things and also riko (i think they have a sibling bond but also it seems like he doesnt fully like her but that might just be siblings) and everyone who came close to him died

more things about the clan workings would have been cool too!1 the story only sorta fleshed out zenin but what about kamo? or gojo? like what would gojos parents think about gojo dying and stuff like that? the clans are supposed to be like a big part of jujutsu society but i feel like they barely get any screentime. did he love his parents? did his parents love him? did anyone love him as a kid? how did the clans clash back then?? like PPPLLLEEASSE WHAT ABOUT NORITOSHI AND HIS CLAMMN WHY

my point is gege is leaving so much open like the merger€? more character interactions would definitely allow people to feel better… what about cursed tools backstories? cursed speech clan? international sorcerers? i know everyone was like jjk is dragging on and everything but 5 chapters could not resolve these plotppoints

10 spinoff series with all slice of life fluff now PLS

GETOS MOM WOULD DEF BE A BADDIE all of his genes are from her majestic ahh bro… that nurse kenjaku(geto) relly shows it

OOH MY GOD I THOUGHT I POSTED THIS EARLIER WJOOPS SORRY

[machinavillage]

i think i complained about my internet friend i visited irl last month.

about a week after i got home, after not talking to him for a week i tried to explain why i was upset. and he gave a pretty bland apology idk what else i expected. and sometimes i miss talking to him, but i sort of dont anymore. now im worried about when he's going to reach out to me again, or if we never talk again, or if im supposed to. or what. but i also dont feel like i can talk to him. its kinda funny.

like main thing was really that i was viscerally uncomfortable the whole time i was there. horrible dirty bathroom and he gave me nasty food and i would feel weird if i ordered takeout without him. and i travelled 8 hours on plane and he didnt want to go anywhere or do anything. just sit and play on his ps5. and he had the gall to look over at me and say "oh i wanted to text you right now but i realized youre right there". and when i got him to go out and go places with me, he clearly didnt want to be there. and he'd complain like "oh i dont want to go somewhere on the bus if we're on the bus for 30 minutes or more" bitch i was on a plane overnight for you? fuck you!

and now its like. i regret all the times i tried to talk to him about how i was failing to cope with child abuse and csa stuff like. i poured my heart out to this person and he never really gave a shit and had some of the cruelest responses to me honestly. and i kept fucking trying because i thought if im patient enough ill get something good in return.

i dont get shit i keep getting someone who tells me "oh, i really learned my lesson that time! im so sorry! i need to think more about how i treat you" and like. am i supposed to be learning something? did i do something wrong i need to learn from. is this mutual? at all?

i kept offering to buy him food and pay for all the ubers too because he didnt have a job right now. all i asked for in return was that he be somewhat interested in spending time with me. but since i couldnt even get that, i feel like i wasted hundreds of dollars now. i still didnt know ahead of time that it was possible for my feelings to turn in that way. like every mistake and every time he's pissed me off before is coming back now. it all got recontexualized and i realize he must not care about me at all.

i was going to tell him that im fine just being friends with him online but now im not even sure thats true. the stuff i complained about in my visit with him isnt even all of it. its way longer than that i just picked a few of the things that really hurt. he wouldnt go on an 1-2 hour walk through a nearby park with me. it was like 30 minutes to there, but i wouldve paid for the uber to or something and we couldve walked outside. he just "didnt feel like it". but then when he introduced me to his friend she said they went there together all the time??? whats up with that. why am i nothing.

like idk what to say to him now but saying nothing is starting to eat at me. int he back of my mind i dread him messaging me. i want him to disappear now. none of this is stuff id type about someone i still felt close to. but it feels weird to instantly hate someone because of that. but im not sure its instant either. i just cant really sort it out.

i feel like i kept waiting for years and saying "this is the person im closest too this is the only person i can tell this stuff to" especially in regards to trauma stuff and i just picked the wrong person entirely. and i kept thinking if continue trying it would pay off and id really really get something good. im so stupid. all that time i kept saying "this is the person im closest to" was probably time i couldve spent actually talking to other people or finding actual support.

now its been years since i socialized with people and i dont know how to. all for someone who seems to not care about me, not get anything out of me aside from playing video games together. and i guess i imagined everything i gained from being close to him.

[deyanirahayes]

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

[strangecowplant]

UPDATE

ill have to get to my replies later but i need to update right now

teddy was getting even worse, the meds were horrible to him and he just started to take a dive. he was dead weight, couldn't stand it was devastating to see him trying to pee or do anything really only to just fall. he was confused, scared, couldnt sleep for more than a couple minutes after having literally tried to calm him like a baby. this wasn't your typical sedative, calming med loopiness this was extreme, ive never seen a cat act this way before, let alone while on relaxants. its hard to explain but when you've experienced cats pass before you just know the signs and he was showing them rapidly later in the morning. i had another total breakdown so mom took the reigns and called them and absolutely ripped them apart. they're at fault for this getting worse, for this horrible medication, for not leaving the catheter in for longer like i said i wanted so he wouldnt have to go through that procedure AGAIN, its invasive enough ONCE let alone 2 or 3 times, for not ensuring he could pee on his own before just sending him off carelessly, for not communicating and hyperfocusing on money for issues that arent even an issue night now and could be done later. blockages are difficult to address as is, but the way they went about it made it even worse. the vet told us to get him in right away for the reaction to the new medication, and we were firm that we are NOT paying this is their fault I'm amazed teddy was able to make it through the night, he's so incredibly strong

as much as i dont ever want to go back there im doing everything for him and we raced him there, they're going through all kinds of checks to make sure he's ok and also working on his peeing. he had a wet bowl movement before i got the call, which couldve been from the sudden change to his prescription diet, the new med, the situation or anything, but was so weak he couldnt even stand so it got all over him, i had to wash him off and that seemed to kind of kick him into moving again, not much but a lot more than i had seen all morning after becoming exhausted, almost like it switched him back on to keep fighting.

so far he's doing well his bp is only slightly high due to the stress of being there but hes inflamed which also is making the urine they can push out tinged with blood. they're monitoring him constantly in fact she (this is a different vet from the owner, ive had good experiences with her) said he's being held almost all the time by another staff member, she will be giving him a boost of antibiotics as an injection and a single anti inflammatory since he got his bloodwork done and he doesnt have any kidney or liver issues or anemia/anything else. they offered for me to stay with them there so i can be with him but i needed to get back to my other babies to make sure they dont stress more either, i have to keep them healthy too so im getting updates over the phone. hes eating there hopefully thatll give him a boost of energy because though they can bring him out and walk him around/play hes still very sleepy. he hasnt peed but his bladder isnt full either, i asked why since he was drinking like crazy and she said its likely because he's dribbling tiny amounts almost constantly, his blanket has some small spots (i noticed when he was home his peepee was wet a lot but no full pees) im going to be grabbing him again soon before they close and then taking him back first thing in the morning for her to check his bladder again, if its full and hard again she's putting a catheter in again. she's also giving me a prescription for a bladder relaxer thats non drowsy, but its a gamble what pharmacies have it. we still are firm we are not paying, i'm still so scared because if they DO try to ding us with the bill we will absolutely be out of donations to help, the last bill was $606, on top of that all the gas needed to even get there and back is crushing, and i have no idea what will happen but its not something i can even think about right now

idk how its going to go we're just taking this one step at a time, my anxiety has made me so sick i want this nightmare to be over with and him at home safe and sound.

again thank you all so much for your concerns for my boy, all the help, the donations, the kind words its incredible how many are wishing and working for his recovering ill update again and get to replies as well when i can

please help me pay my kitties emergency vet bill!

ive never done this before but one of my cats just had to get an extremely sudden emergency procedure and i don't know what to do, my vet and i have reached out to a couple incredible programs here to help with the bill but one is less than half and the other hasn't replied back yet, i've already declined the blood work (CA$356) to lower the bill at the risk of possible underlying liver and kidney issues not being found but its still a monumental amount for us right now. i just feel so helpless

we had enough to pay the minimum deposit to get the procedure started in time thankfully, but we were already scraping by as it is and now we're in desperate need of funds to eat/pay rent/pay off any remainder of the bill. i am disabled without aid and have been unable to work/haven't worked since 2015 but am on track to hopefully start working pt this fall. i live with my mom who has 3-4 jobs including one seasonal job which needless to say is stressful and wearing her down. we unfortunately are stuck in the most expensive place to live in canada with the inability to save up to flee so the cycle is never ending.

this is Teddy, my typically very silly vocal happy boy who's not quite 2 yet, my comfort king, my little muffin who acts like a weighted blanket for me at night and eases my anxiety, his favourite toy is his pink unicorn poof, he loves car rides and he can shake paw!

he got a sudden urinary blockage last night with no straight answer as to why and progressively got worse as the night went on, i didnt sleep at all, i was panicking and bawling, naturally, and raced to the vet to get in as soon as the door opened. i assumed it was a uti which wouldn't have been as costly, but it turned out to be much more severe and life threatening. i never expected my usually extremely healthy boy to suddenly be at risk of that and im still trying to just process whats been happening

he needed to be sedated and given a catheter and some medication, the total bill came to CA$985.62, of which we were barely able to pay 500 of, and one program was able to donate 300 leaving a total of CA$185.62 for the bill. this, of course, leaves us scrambling for food and rent as well

i know there are a lot of fundraisers out there needing donations right now, and i really hate letting myself be so open and raw like this but even a dollar would help tremendously and i would be forever grateful for any help whatsoever, even a rb to signal boost is greatly appreciated <3

TLDR; my cat had a sudden life threatening issue and now we can't pay the full vet bill or pay for food/rent

Paypal

[kobunnie]

10:00 pm

ft. dazai osamu

⤻ word count ; 0.7k

⤻ genre ; angst, fluff-ish ending

⤻ cw ; mention of death / murder, mention of vomit / throw up

⤻ pronouns ; none mentioned

some days, dazai was the perfect boyfriend—he was everything you couldve asked for and more. and others it was like the two of you werent dating at all.

of course, you understood how hard it must be for him to love you without any hesitation or fear. hed lived a dangerous life, a life where hed lost everyone hed ever loved. it was only natural that that fear carried over to you, causing him to question sometimes whether or not he should risk the heartbreak should anything happen to you.

and even still, through all of it, you loved him unconditionally. because you knew deep down, he loved you too. he just wouldnt ever be able to stand losing you.

today was one of those days. distant days. days where dazai ignored you and almost didnt exist. usually, youd be able to do your own work and carry on until hed come up to you and wrap you so close to his body and apologize.

but today was different. you were struggling. youd been on a case with ranpo and itd be the most horrific thing youd ever witnessed. a brutal murder of an innocent teenage girl by the one she trusted most: her best friend, her partner in crime, her boyfriend. foul play was suspected by the police force but only confirmed once ranpo and you had arrived on the scene. though he was charged guilty but also given a lenient sentence due to a third party, it all still made you so sick to your stomach that you couldnt even eat that night.

you needed dazai. you needed to hold him. you needed to be near him. most of all, you needed reassurance that he would never do anything to hurt you. that he loved you.

but, unfortunately, you wouldnt be getting that. any of it.

“osamu—“ you stumbled into your bedroom, holding your stomach. the images of the day flashed in your head and you clapped a hand over your mouth.

your eyes scanned the room for dazai but found no trace of him. frowning, you made your way to the bathroom and bent over the toilet, praying you wouldnt throw up. you couldnt. thatd gross you out and youd never stop throwing up.

a thud from the main room caused you to finally release the toilet and stand. you found dazai laid back on the couch, headphones over his ears and his eyes closed.

relief flooded your body and you made your way over to him, wrapping your arms around his neck and crying into his shoulder. beneath you he was tense and stiff, unsure what to do.

so rarely did he ever see you in such a state that he didnt know what to think of it. in fact, he was scared out of his mind. scared that the reason as to why you were so broken down was maybe because of him.

had he done something? had he said something? had he hurt you?

panic surged through him and he jolted away from you, much to your surprise. your eyes searched his face as he pushed his headphones down.

neither of you spoke a single word.

he was terrified. he wanted out.

you were heartbroken. you wanted him.

dazai shifted down the couch, and bent over his knees, staring at the floor. you could no longer see his face and perhaps that was a good thing. because the expression on his face was one of disgust, panic, and anger. disgust at himself. panic at you. and anger at whatever had made you cry.

by then youd begun to realize that it was one of those days. that it had been your mistake to reach for him like that when he was so obviously lost in his own little world. you sobbed even more and hugged your knees to your chest.

you couldnt even muster an “im sorry” though you had no reason to be apologizing to him. dazai watched as you stifled your cries and his heartbroke at the sight.

he got up and sunk down next to you, engulfing you in his body and holding you close to your chest.

“im sorry. ill do better.”

and it was those words that made you realize that he would never dare hurt you. never on purpose. because he loved you to the point where if he hurt you, hed hate himself for the rest of his life.

[rory-is-hiding]

my childhood dog is dead. i cannot quiet the pain and i know its been nearly 2 years and i know its part of life and i know all of the things people tell you to get you to stop crying. grief is a simple kind of pain and its been written about before, so ill spare you the details. weve all lost something that hurt.

i dont speak to my sister and my dad wont look at me anymore. i cant be in that house or that city or stand in my bedroom under those yellow lights. the door locked behind me when i ran away, and i try to explain to you 'its not that i want it back, it just hurts anyway. somewhere else.'

the bad things that happened to me will never go away. i cannot unlearn this or regrow the part of me he destroyed. the doctor said ptsd is a permanent disorder, but the symptoms can be managed, and it can improve with treatment. when i asked her how much time it would take to feel good again, she didnt have an answer and she just looked sad. and i dont think i can do this for much longer, my love. i tried so hard and i met you and i tried again but i think im done, now. i think im ready to go home. im ready to be seven years old on a saturday morning playing outside with my dog, and not feel the disgusting ache inside me for all of the things that went wrong. all of the ways it couldve been better, all of the ways that i could have been better. i was meant for so much more than this.

i grieve every life i ever had before this and all of the ones i mightve had if god was real. i grieve my family who can never forgive me and a little girl who got lost in a bad mans bedroom. i grieve every relative that died from heroin overdose or suicide even if i didnt make it to any of the funerals. i grieve the child i can never have in the body that doesnt work like its meant to anymore. i grieve my father who survived, and my mother who only sort of lived. i grieve the gazelles in nature documentaries and that bird we saw on the side of the road and i had to keep walking because otherwise it was going to crush me into the pavement. i have too much sadness and too few places to put it down. it spills out into every pure thing ive ever had.

so now im meant to be an adult and stop crying over silly things. but my childhood dog is dead, and nothing will ever be good again.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[shoezuki]

Tommy's prison/revival arc isnt well written actually

Anyways ive been wanting to talk on it a while for a bit here but havent had the Time or like. The thought to. But im gonna go off now.

First off im gonna say im ASSUMING this stream and plot of tommy being in the prison with dream is written entirely by tommy and dream. Wilbur May be involved in the latest stream but im not sure.

Bringing tommy back to life after only three days of him being dead did practically nothing to progress plot, the characters, or audience's understanding. In fact i feel that it damaged Other characters' potential and plot and already established plotlines.

The 'development' aspect

A really, really easy way to see if anything has changed or developed through an arc or plotline is to straightup just compare the 'beginning' to the 'end' in terms of the barebones situation. So;

Beginning: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream, his own abuser who has hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. He's terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

End: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream after being killed then revived by him, his own abuser whos hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. Hes terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

Okay. This is simplified obvious. But the point stands. ALTHOUGH the troupe of 'going back to the beginning' is common in the heroes journey its. It doesnt work here. Has tommy learned anything? Has he changed as a character? Is the severity of their situation any different? Have we, as the audience, learned anything new?

Im going to expand on that last point because i think it has the strongest potential argument. Technically for progression in literature and development of plot/characters, things can Change without them being Aware as characters. It can change just by the audience's perception changing or being challenge.

Slight example: i've been reading a webcomic called Your Throne. Its a fantasy/political drama about a noble lady who entered a competition with another noble lady to become the empress. The main lady lost despite her being a better fit, and the comic starts with the main lady trying to assassinate the empress. Its assumed and stated by the main lady that she 'ruined her life' and so thats all the readers know. However, later in the novel we see flashbacks to the competition itself and find that the two ladies were extremely close friends, neither wanting anything bad for the other, but it was the emperor himself who manipulated both of them for his own agenda. Those flashbacks gave us an entirely different idea of who the real antagonist is and completely changed the two main ladies' relationship. THAT is how the audience's understanding of the plot and novel can be used to change the entire story. We dont get such here though

Some things that were brought to light during tommy being dead/revived:

Dream is capable of reviving people infinitely

This was already implicated and assumed. The book dream has being a means of reviving people has been around Technically since schlatt's death. This just 'confirmed' what was known

Time works differently/feels longer in the afterlife

This doesnt really impact much beyond emotions and implications. If we had more insight into what the 'afterlife' is like beyond nothingness perhaps so. But really it just makes it so wilbur being dead for what feels like 9 years and tommy having been dead for 2 months appeal to emotions.

Wilbur is evil

This one fuckin sucks i cant lie HSKSHSISSGEGDV. Like i was gon go on bout it and i will but it jus sucks. We have nothing to go on besides tommy's word, no examlles of what Horrible things wilbur said could make tommy assume this, etcetc. Ill most likely make a seperate post on how this feels like we're just going to get 'wilbur is a horrible villain' type with him. But still. I feel wilbur Not Being Good isnt a new development.

Dream is going to revive wilbur

This doesnt feel new either, part because phil had wanted to revive wilbur before (ill get to that more later) and that tommy had kept dream alive/initially imprisoned him with the idea of him reviving wilbur.

Dream believes wilbur will break him out of prison

Okau this makes no sense to me actually. I cwnt understand How exactly wilbur would be able to do this? Or why dream believes he even Could? Mans been dead for like 9 years and all we Know of the afterlife is that its black... nothingness. How would 9 years of that make wilbur capable of busting the prison open?

So. Yeah. All in all this plotline hasnt done anything new, developed things, or altered people's perceptions. We just ended up back at square one. Back to tommy being traumatized, dream being 'evil' and horrible and doing villain monologues, and them being stuck together.

Other characters and plotlines

Im pretty damn sure tommy's revival fucked up a LOT of other characters' plotlines and potential development. Honestly i feel this has a lot to do with the writers not communicating with other ccs well enough. But Ill talk about specific characters from least to most fucked over in my opinion:

Sam

He's the best off. He hqd been there during tommy's death, had been close to tommy, had majorly blamed himself and his own mistakes for tommy's death. His grief and self hatred was actually really heartbreaking and well done. The attached character of Sam Nook being unaware of tommy's death and simply waiting for tommy to return was a really good parallel to sam's own grief and anger. like it really snapped sam the guy who cares for tommy and wants to do Right by him back together with him as the Warden of the prison. Mixed personal life with 'just business'.

I feel it wouldve been nice to have him like. Have more time to grieve properly and come to terms eith tommy's death and his own involvement/influence over the events. Him finding tommy alive again Could be a means of him like. Facing his own grief head on if done well.

Ranboo

Mostly in the context of him and sam's argument do i feel it got screwed over. The weight of them yelling at each other and trying to find who to blame and the implications that Maybe ranboo was the one who caused the security breach that closed down the prison on tommy just.... doesnt hit so hard anymore. Because how can there be blame and arguments and a 'who done it' mystery when tommy popped up all fine again?

Puffy

I dony know much of her involvement or how she found out tommy died (besides metagaming shhhhh) but i saw her monologuing of how they 'failed' tommy and like. Her whole 'he was so young we the Adults failed him' spiel is like........... inconsequential? Now??? Like no dont worry he died but hes alright now.

Philza

BET YOU DIDNY EXPECT TO SEE THIS FUCKER!!!!!! But actually though i want to talk bout how this ties into phil. A LOT. for Zalbr ❤. But also because i see ppl tying phil to tommy's death n like nah shutup u doin it wrong. Ill go off more in a Wilbur Post. But essentially: i dont like that dream is now going to revive wilbur. I feel they arent going to tie philza into this Despite phil having originally been trying to revive his son and studying on it and Attempting and Failing. But now suddenly dream can just. Say some magic words and Poof wilbur lives? So we're just going to Kill philza's revival attempts plotline and leave that hanging? This made his efforts seem pointless and Wack like oh why didnt you just Say The Magic Words phil????

Niki

I feel really bad for niki. She hasnt been able to do a lore stream during tommy's 'death' (she tweeted she wanted to but her computer wasnt working) and considering her entire character.... that shit is important. We seen it with Jack Manifold how tommy's death impacted Him considering he literally wanted tommy dead. And since niki is in a similar boat to jack of trying to kill tommy and it being her Only goal...... thats extremely important.

BUT. i feel there wasnt any communication. Did she or anyone even know tommy would be revived? Did no one consider they could At Least let her do a single stream on it? Like jack manifold????

We couldve gotten a Really good niki lore stream. I genuinely was so excited for it and i dont regularly watch her. But we seen it with jack manifold which is why i dont feel he got screwed because mans genuinely did So Good he could pop off with anything n i think it works in His favour. But now........ for niki. Canonically she never even knew tommy was Dead. So its like nothing even happened for her. Is she just supposed to continue on trying to kill tommy with no progression?

What i think would work

This is more me being like 'hey @ the dsmp writers let me in' type speculation sbosegussgs. But i was thinkin on a Really easy way to 'fix' this without rewriting lore and the streams.

Dream should kill tommy again now that he's been revived and Leave Him Dead.

More development for the characters who are affected by his death Especially niki. More time for grief and self reflection and development

A chance for the audience to figure out what the 'afterlife' really is.

Dream is supposed to be smart and a master manipulator or something right? Why doesnt he use being able to revive tommy as a bargaining chip with sam for his own freedom?

The audience would now Know dream's intentions with tommy better, that this death isnt 'final', but we could still see other characters' grief and reactions and coping without it feeling cheap. Ive seen some 'but people dont know tommy is alive so hes still dead in their mind' but that sucks imo.

We'd know more on dream's ability to revive people and that he can just Do It on a whim (which i think sucks but hey im trying) but no one else would know this canonically

Okay. Im done. If you read this. Thankyou. I love you. Hmu.

[lampoest]

Unfiltered thoughts watching mission impossible rouge nation inspired by @chaotically-cas

(sorry its so long my brain is all over the place)

this is also part 14 of me watching it every day :/

CURSING WARNING !! ALSO SPOILERS !!!

why is brandt first to speak

starting out with "shit" good call benji

brandt man we get the package is on the mcfucking plane

badass luther 10/10

nervous benji 10/10

that one sound effects sounds like the discord notif

why he in a fancy suit

*jumps on a plane with almost no plan on getting inside*

why did tom cruise think this was agood idea?

but like why would benji even open the ramp?

how is he not winded from that?

classic ethan

THE INTRO 1000/10

SOLOMON LANE !!

wait you can already see lane in the record shop.

how do they tell the agents these little convos?

also damn way to give it away

what if someone just looked in that room and saw the secret message?

also how did the disc get changed? because the imf definitely didnt make that

and how did lane know where he was going?

speaking of lane---

dang that man is pretty

he always sets guns down carefully

i can only see alec baldwin as trump from his snl skits so i dont take hunley seriously ;-;

damn brandt needs to step it up. man keeps letting himself be inturrupted

bruh the imf is only luck

why did no one resrict his legs?

also why is janik such an asshole?

dang she cool !!

why does it take janik so long to get that gun?

bravo-echo 1-1

this man is bleeding but decided instead of taking care of his wound he calls brandt.

i like how you actually see ethan worried and confused trying to plan his next moves. he is rarely caught off guard so it's refreshing to see his more human side

hunley spitting accusations damn bro

also a big fuck you from ethan to hunley

dang ethan is good

brandts little hidden smile

and ethan leaving trails

bitch how you sketch that good???

STAN BENJI !!

youve won, your way out of a job

benji is good

my little brandt x benji shipper in me is happy

simon pegg is such a good actor

the first time i saw this i was like: aww noooo

all dunn with that

TO THE OPERA !!!

TUX BENJI TUX BENJI

i cant tell if that was ethan

it just looks like youre talking to yourself thats more sus than using a phone

want drama? go to the opera

ok but like if you look like that im sorry you are a bad guy. thats like a stereotypical bad guy face

benji-

you can see ethan in the background of that scene

flute gun flute gun

oh no benji is in the closet. dont worry man we love you

if i were there and i just had a good vantage point i could find lane in an instant

ooh ilsa pretty

pipe gun

also pamphlet computer

those key things are cool and plausible

spiderman spiderman does whatever, ethan hunt can?

a W O M A N

what W O M A N?

reminds me of a marshmallow gun i made out if pvc pipes.

why does she not put that thing back?

also the dude loads it and then later it is unloaded

dang that guy is pretty tall.

ethan is so tiny

dis bitch is like uhh gimmie a sec to catch my breath mate

why he only dropkick people?

only 30 mins in ?!?!

the cinematography is exquisite

yes benji goin sicko mode

*gets shot* just a flesh wound

bruh i would've been so startled at that

i love how confused he is at that

ilsa saves ethan once again

they did this on the first day of filming

skdjs

ah yes random package in car = not bomb totally

if she tried to shoot benji then yes she is a bad person

but she didnt try to, she could've easily but didn't

benji being paranoid

she could just say the dude's name

benji being scared

hunley jumping to conclusions

brandt actually cares yeey

why di they approach from different sides of the street they were in the same car.

benji was far away from the sparks why he flinch?

friendship goals

oop plot dump that only mission impossible can get away with

ok...

why this mf's voice so smooth

lane is struggling with chopsticks

also lane :))))

ive chocked on my water so many times watching this scene

lanes voice :))))))

SHE RUINED HIS SUSHI WHAT THE FUCK ILSA

this man dont know what personal space is

gotta look up these peeps mbti types

casablanca references

also benji is wearing dollar store lookin glasses while ethan is wearing some fancy glasses

luther is top notch

as much as i dont like jeremy renner he delivers these lines really well

because atlee is a bitch

oh honey please, impossible is a walk in the park

benji just wants to wear a mask

id be so nervous walking through those

yes...

personal wellbeing who?

why not bring a plastic bottle full of air?

tom cruise can hold his breath for 6 minutes and he learned to do so for that scene

luther big brain

damn cctv

why did they need to break in while benji was going in?

das sus but ok

also isnt et voila french?

she just randomly tapping the ipad

benji being stressed

if he missed the exact center

i want one of those to open my locker's lock

if he just went with the current and didnt try to force his way against the water ilsa wouldn't have had to save him

imagine if he put the wrong one in-

she is breathing heavily to over saturate her body with oxygen so she can hold her breath longer

see ilsa makes it out without well and she went with the current

BENJI'S OUTFIT YESSS :))))))

no you didn't

you gave her a false sense of security

ethan's confused face for the next like 10 mins is great

liar

why does that one man look like sean ambrose?

parkour

skdjdksjdjdkfjs

the facial acting in this

STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS

the glare yesss

vrrrm vrrm

hey its you !

drivin like a grandma

shit !

benji just screaming

im convinced that ethan is indestructible

no you didn't survive that

bonk

dskfh

ethan didnt just-

also why didnt benji just tell ethan he made a copy ???

dont shoot and drive kids

high speed motorcycle chase with no helmet or leather. tom cruise, how?

i wanna learn how to drive a motorcycle

HOW THE FUCK IS HE NOT DEAD YET ?!?!

the lighting

ofc brandt would be the person why sits backwards on a chair. fkn bi vibes

benji to the rescue

fuck off atlee

i am so proud of us ...

the lines are done so well here

benji lookin like how i look when my parents argue

YES THIS SCENE

LANE LANE LANE LANE LANE

im too fucking gay for this movie-

once again no personal space

*inhales* :))))))))))))))

ive like memorized the entire script of this including the music

1 man performance of m:i5 ???

benji's outfit

also i love how youre able to see the characters in the background. props for the attention to detail

i need that haircut because his hair is lookin A+

fuck you atlee

ilsa spitting straight facts

uhh ilsa he still loves julia

NO BENJI NOOOO

EW FUCK OFF JANIK NO ONE LIKES YOU

speak of the devil-

betrayal--

WOULDNT YOU LIKE TO KNOW WEATHER BOY !??

actin sus

BENJI LANE BENJI LANE

his posture shdhskhsj (i cant be talking though)

0 personal space whatsoever

why does everyone have the same haircut in this???

simon mcburney pretending to be hunt prentending to be atlee

manipulation !?

the syndicate you say ? i know a thing or two about them 😼😼😼

damn though renner delivers these lines really well

a black tie? how informal. ..

complimenting hunt right infront of him

but he really didnt

i never realized that they were on the clock for this

huh...

the lil head nod though-

HAHA YEAH FUCK YOU ATLEE

is it bad that i hate atlee more than i hate lane?

ethan big smart wrinkle brain

janik just reading a fucking magazine

ethan has a photographic memory

oh look its benji :)))

lane :))))

ethan being tough

it must be aquward to get the low angle shots

lane is running out the clock to put pressure on ethan hmmm big brain

it isnt working though :\

damn he so cocky that hes telling the villain his plan

ill give you 1/5 of the money you wanted to get my bf back

ok but like does tom cruise just not age?

kill the woman

ugh i hate janik

the trust that is shown between those two is great

yes the score and the chase are so great

also this man really hates windows for some reason

fuck off janik

sneaky sneaky

EYY ITS LANE !!!

yeyy janik is dead

once again dodging bullets and hating glass

couldve killed him but needed him alive

the glass box

badass ethan

all the pretty men assembled

lane really let himself go aster this

dang though lane is my favorite villain ever

i like how for once the girl and the guy just are friends instead of romantically involved

eyy the callbacks to how the movie started.

welcome to the imf

[hacknet]

no game reviewers are allowed to touch the winters games anymore i decided

"the areas in the game feel too different from eachother and it feels like capcom strung them together badly" to YOU maybe. i recognize that th plot of the game is Literally about some woman inviting/forcing random people she just met to be part of her family. she is so intent on having a family that she doesnt care about whos there or whether they want to be or not. Granted i think capcom couldve gone a little more obvious with the making them feel like a ""family"" thing..... you kinda dont get the impression anyone cares about anyone but miranda (even if heisenberg just wants to kill her) so its less like a family and more like a cult focused on one woman

whcih uh. if that was the intention congratulations i suppose but i dont know if it was? they seem to have been trying for it at first making dimitrescu and heisenberg argue like children over who gets to kill ethan. they couldve used some more of that kind of thing but i think those two are the only ones that do anything like that in game and its only right at the start..

their areas are very self contained yes but also like Thats cause they aren't actual siblings and came from entirely different places and situations. Do you expect them to just mesh together perfectly the whole point is that they dont

like the 4 of them have very different relationships to miranda right. like dimitrescu is constantly talking about how shes mirandas favorite and how devoted she is to her. but she cares about her daughters more than miranda anyway. as evidenced by when she says something like "SCREW THE RITUAL IM GOING TO KILL ETHAN MYSELF" which is like. Oh the ritual? oh the ritual shes been trying to do for literal centuries to get her child back? that ritual (put a pin in this final few sentences for now i just had another realization abt them)

and moreau is constantly trying to prove hes as good as the rest of them are and he does actually seem to care about miranda and what she thinks of him. even though she made him the way he is (he used to be a scientist!!!! the cadou literally gave him brain damage) he feels like a failure because of it

and heisenberg again wants her dead more than anything else. focusing his life on killing her like to the point where he doesnt understand why someone would not want to help him do it

donna, uhh... Ok honestly i dont recall much being said about donna. shes the quiet one she doesnt say anything so i still dont really know her deal ill have to replay the game for her. i think i remember noticing that she seemed to not want miranda to bring her kid back? "it would have been better if rose was never born" does imply that to me at least. unless she was just saying that to fuck with ethan, which is kind of her whole thing so if thats the case im back to 0 with her.

SPEAKING of bringing her kid back. thisis really interesting to me circling back to the pin from earlier. ethan, dimitrescu, and miranda all love their daughtersso much. they love them more than anything else. ethan loves rose so much he repeatedly throws himself into certain death for her. dimitrescu loves her daughters so much she goes against mirandas whole plan for them and goes moldy apeshit trying to kill ethan when he kills them. and miranda......miranda did all of this in the first place to get her daughter back.

and its like ohhhhhh i see so miranda and ethan are sort of doing the same thing here. they both want their kid back. they both are willing to kill for them. and they both literally die trying to stop eachother from taking their daughter from them. obviously she kidnapped rose and that IS NOT her daughter. but she convinced herself she will be because shes focused on researching this for like a century, possibly even longer and cannot consider anything else (kinda like heisenberg! moment)

dimitrescu kind of makes the "all these people love their daughters" theme come in way early so that when you find out thats what miranda wants too youre like. Ohhhhh . though most people werent paying attention to those aspects of dimitrescus character at all -_- which is unfortunate for her but expected from a story perspective

just. aaaaaguggdhhdh. i couldnt possibly word this part how i want but the way they are so so dysfunctional as a "family". its all at at least partially because miranda does not care about them past the point where they're useful to her. its making me disintegrate

[thornsofdeath]

phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

[hazbinextgeneration]

Into The Casino Ch6

"How grand. How splendid." "You..Like it?" Her hopes was present on her face as she as he stared down at her. Giant smile and all. Her ears pinned to her head in submission was quite the satisfying sight, the very fact she was already easy to order around was quite Useful, it meant he didn't have to do much to push her in the right direction. But he still had to be careful. Be too friendly and shell think she could do anything or start to suspect something. Be too harsh and he might run her off. So just dangle the treat halfway to keep the lady a excuse the term, one trick pony. Given the unusual timidness Cyber spoke of, it should run smoothly. So as a little reward, he gave her a pat on the back which she gave a small flinch at.

"Itll do for now. You did a more decent job than I couldve hoped for." Red eyes glazed over the newly installed filing cabinets, filled to the brin with honestly mostly none important things like date books and old appointments. Nothing he really needed but was still asuppliers.a to keep on hand. The more important ones were safely locked away. He made sure of that. Wouldn't want those falling into the wrong hands now wouldn't he. "But dont think you can rest too easy just yet. I still have plenty of work for you to do. " Her little smile disappeared and she gave him a tired look. "Ho-...How m-much work are we talking about?" He hummed in thought, red talons tapping on her shoulder. "Oh. I lost count after we filled the second closet but Cyber has records of everything sealed away-" He tapped his head to refer to Cybers obviously great memory. "But don't forget your other responsibilities now." "W-What other responsibilities?" His smile widened. "Im glad you asked. You see-" She made a small squeak of surprise as he presssed her closer to him, guiding her around with his arm towards the open door. "As my new asistant you'll be taking on some of my less important work so Ill have more time to focus on more.." He looked back to her with a calculating look in his eyes. "Interesting matters that have caught my attention." She couldn't help but give a shiver, looks like that always made her uncomfortable along with unwanted physical contact. This man was absolutely not one she would want to be close to- She should really start thinking about a way outta there soon. But then again that begs the question. Could she really escape? "Though I think..you could use a small update to your appearance. Come. Its about time I officially get you settled in. After all. What lady doesn't enjoy shopping at our local Hellmart?" The confusion on her face intensified. "What's a hellmart?" The absolute naivity of the girl never ceased to amuze him. Her questions were more entertaining that annoying. What's a limo? What's a mall? Really. It was like entertaining a child. The amount of wide eyed awe she gave at the long car and gigantic store building made him chuckle. Such nativity was a good sign for potential manipulation. So it made sense when Cyber poped the question,"You don't get out much, do you?" She had given an embarrassed look before responding with, "I...Was kept inside for a long while. I..Im afraid I don't h-have much knowledge of t-the current things. " "Ill say. Just make sure you stick close." "You'll do well to heed Cybers advice." he gave a look out the window as the car made its way to a slow stop in front of a giant archway connected to an even larger building. "Most of these people are dealers and scavengers who would sell their own children if it meant having food on the table for one night." He wasn't exaggerating either. The moment the three of them stepped out and entered shouts from demobs all around them. Shouting from makeshift booths of some sorts, gesturing to things they were attempting to sell, some gave her obvious looks- Cyber gently pushed her along. Wouldn't want to draw too much attention now would they? Lou on the other hand didnt seem worried in the slightest. Walking at a brisk pace towards one area he knew would have everything they needed. Which was why she was pretty surprised when he stopped all of a sudden and almost ran into him, tilting her head back, she gazed up curiously as he gestured a hand out to an opening between two booths. " This way now. Step lively. We haven't got all day you know." Both women didnt hesitate to follow after him down the dark alleyway, though Amalfia was probably questioning what sanity he had at the moment to go down an obviously dark alley in the middle of a crowd of demons who could and would most likely take advantage to jump them- But then again who down here was even sane? But she couldn't think much on that longer either when yet another entrance way was opened up and he disappeared behind the door without warning. Cyber had to coax her in but they soon followed after, what was inside made her eyes widen. It looked nothing like the outside. Where everything outthere was gloom n doom, it was like they stepped through a portal and into a fancy dress and jewelers shoppe. Hundreds of beautiful items and frankly highly expensive looking things that Wouldnt probably be easy to get. "Welcome to one of my personal supplier's emporiums! I get most of my more luxuries from." The look on her face was absolute childlike shock. It certainly had been a face he hadn't seen in a while down here. "Of course were only here on business only, so Im afraid we dont have time for sightseeing. Im sure Cyber could help really you find the proper attire." "Attire?" "Of course. You don't expect me to just let you walk around looking like a poor Cinderella now do you? No no. That would reflect badly on my business if my people walked around like common homeless." She opened her mouth to ask something, but unfortunately another beat her to it- "What the hell are YOU doing here?"

All characters besides Amalfia belongs to @palettepainter

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot