#ILL EITHER MAKE IT REALLY REALLY REALLY SAD OR GIVE A HAPPY ENDING

[rainrot4me]

Jeff the Killer General Headcannons

Summary: Basic, SFW, and NSFW head-cannons. My personal thoughts, feelings, and opinions about Jeff as a character.

TW: NSFW below the cut, minors dni! Above the cut is sfw!

Words: 2.6k

Basic:

- Big isolation guy. He enjoys pestering people or hanging out, but when it comes to personal things like missions or killing sprees, he prefers to be alone. His head’s already loud enough that he doesn’t need to add to it when he’s trying to focus.

- Blunt. Like to the point it’s a drag to even talk to him sometimes. He doesn’t really give a shit about anyone or anything besides himself, so why would he need to hide what he actually wants to say?

- Dangerously short temper. It barely takes one nasty remark or even a hint that you have ill intent towards him before the killer is on your ass. Would rather beat the shit out of you than take the time to reconcile.

- A STARER. Has absolutely no remorse when just boring his eyes into someone, eyes wide and horrifying. He loves to watch every expression as he’s ending someone’s life, every bit of anger or fear, but especially the blank stare in their eyes afterward. You catch his glance all the time, and instead of looking away politely like a normal person would, he just smiles as he glares even harder.

- Loves story based video games that Ben shows him. Life is Strange, Night in the Woods, and What Remains of Edith Finch. Has to play them all in their entirety before he can do anything else, so he’ll be glued to the couch for days.

- Has a difficult time with names, so he comes up with nicknames or terms to make it easier. “Twitch” - Toby, “Sockets” - Jack, or “Glitch” - Ben. Don’t worry, he’ll give you one, too.

- A laugher. When he’s in pain, when he’s sad, when he’s happy, that man is laughing. Choked out dry heaving chuckles or tipsy short airheaded giggles, it doesn’t matter, he will be laughing.

- Terrible sleep paralysis and nightmares keep him up during the night, the most sleep this man will ever get is a little over 3 hours. It really doesn’t help his mood, either.

- The scars on his cheeks used to bleed and get infected so bad he could barely shut his mouth due to the swelling. He would numb it down with pain killers and anything he could find, but it wasn’t until Slender tried to make him into a proxy that they eventually sealed and scarred over, creating wide gashes (weird cryptid powers).

- Thinks about his brother every waking moment. He feels so much pent up regret and sadness concerning Liu, but refuses to search for him or even shed a tear. This sends him into mental breakdown episodes, and sadly, the only relief is just to create more carnage.

- Actually really hates violence unless he’s the one delivering it. Doesn’t like violent movies or music because they romanticize everything he hates about himself. Any media he enjoys is either really bland or really toned down, stuff that won’t trigger him.

- Cuts his own hair, and yes, he’s horrible at it.

- Messed up his appearance to make himself ‘beautiful’, but just ended up so disgusted and ashamed of himself in the long run. When his mental fog gets bad, he’ll just stand in front of the mirror and stare at himself, letting every negative thought wash over. Outside, he’ll brandish it like a weapon, something to get victims to submit. But on the inside, it’s just a nasty reminder.

- Showers only when it gets to the uncomfortable point. He doesn’t have the time or energy or wash himself every day, but when it gets to the point he feels the blood and grime subconsciously, he’ll get over it. Even if he does wash himself, half the time actually in the shower is just letting the water run over him and staring at the tile wall.

- Gets all of his money and random trinkets from victims. Proceeds to spend all that money almost immediately after on a pack of Blue Moons. No orange slice, either.

- Messy, disgusting room. Has no healthy habits of keeping him or his space tidy, so it’s always near disastrous.

- Even though the media and lots of outlets perceive him as this insane maniac killer, those were all big stories from his teenage years. Even though he doesn’t feel like he’s matured, he’s definitely found a happy medium away from spree after spree of slaughter. He still itches to take down a whole neighborhood, but he’s found his ways to cope.

- Very good at hand-to-hand combat. He wields a knife if things get a little rough, but prefers to use his hands to do the dirty work. Makes it feel more personal to him.

- Late-night kitchen demon. You’ll find him rummaging the fridge or making a bowl of cereal in the complete darkness, but he’ll swear up and down it wasn’t him.

- Annoying, painfully so. Hell wrack EJ’s ear off or pester Toby about little things, but he can’t help but get giddy when he sees he’s ticked them off just enough.

- Really agile. Had a thinner build, but muscle definition and tension really adds to the aesthetic. Really defined v-line and hips bones, as well as carved out shoulders and collarbones. Looks like a beefier skeleton, but hot.

- Lip piercings. Snake bites. They’re not healed and they’re not pretty, but he thinks they look badass.

- Scars and jagged pieces of flesh everywhere on his body. They’re either from mission aftermaths, rough targets, or his own doing, but they’re all gnarly and barely healed half of the time. They hurt terribly, but he’s constantly cracked out on painkillers that he doesn’t even care anymore.

- Enjoys the shoegaze music genre. Aldn, Wisp, Elita, Deftones, and surprisingly, The Cardigans and The Cranberries. They remind him of his childhood.

Dating Him/SFW:

- “Baby” “Babe” “Cunt”

- Big words of affirmation guy. He’ll act disgusted and shove you off, rolling his eyes about your sweet words- but in reality, he’s gushing so hard he can’t stand it. Reassurance makes him feel more loved than anything.

- The fastest ‘enemies or lovers’ troupe you’ll ever experience. It’ll only take one face-to-face argument before you both get too close and he’s pulling you in for a rough make out. He’s bad with emotions, what makes you think he wouldn't be bad at reading love/hate signals too.

- HATES to show any sign of weakness or adoration. If you’re laying with him or holding his hand, as soon as someone enters the room he’s shoving you off. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s a deep-rooted fear that someone will use you against him.

- If he’s spent the night in your bed, he will always be gone by the time you’ve woken up. Out of fear of vulnerability, he will only fall asleep after you and wake up before you, otherwise he just won’t stay with you at all.

- He’s like dealing with a little kid. Yes, he’s been through heaps of mental anguish and trauma, but he’s gone through all of that without a hand to hold. In some sad way, he sees something motherly and comforting in you which drives him to latch on and become dependent. It's weird, but so is he.

- Jealousy problems. Big time.

- “He touched you. So I cut his arm off. What is so hard to understand here?”

- Needs to be bossed around. He can and will rot in his bed all day unless you tell him to get up and do something.

- Absolutely melts when you kiss him unprovoked. When he doesn’t force you or tease you into one, but when you decide to kiss his face or hands on your own terms. It’s his favorite thing.

- In his manic brain, he wants something calm, someone who can settle him out. You offer him stability and a chance to unwind and that’s really all he needs.

- As a nervous response, he’ll intentionally push you away if he knows you like him. He holds a lot of regret, so he doesn’t want to drag you along with the rest of his baggage. Will say and do things he knows will hurt your feelings so you leave on your own.

- “And what made you think I’d want you? Because we kissed? Hah! How cute.” Meanwhile, he’s in his room pining himself to shreds.

- Watches you sleep constantly. Doesn’t matter where you are or how far, he will trek through your window or into your bed to watch you snore quietly against your pillow. He likes the vulnerability of it and acting as your ‘protector’, like you have no choice but to rely on him in this state.

- You are the last person Jeff wants to break down in front of, but when it eventually happens, and you’re there with open arms- the killer can barely breathe from how full his heart feels. The feeling of just being able to sob and bury into your shoulder while you rub his back is incomparable.

- Possessive AND protective to a fault. Wants everyone to know you’re his, but at the same time, really enjoys when you flaunt yourself so he can stare down the wandering eyes and really show them who they’d be messing with. Either way, eats it up when you feel good about yourself and safe in him.

- Nasty, terribly toxic relationship. You both bounce off of each other and are constantly arguing, but you both get over it because you’ve grown codependent. There’s nothing ‘casual’ about the two of you, you’re either fuck buddies or desperately clawing at each other for survival. Jeff is an obsessive guy, he either wants everything to do with you or he’ll hide away and tear himself apart over you.

- Jewelry is such a yes for him. If you’re wearing thick earrings or chunky necklaces that brighten your face, he eats it up. He’s such a sucker for silver.

- Does not ask for kisses, he takes them.

- “C’mon baby, I can’t help it. You’re just so fun to mess with.”

- Since he doesn’t sleep much, likes to lay on his back while your head rests on his chest/shoulder. He’ll tangle his fingers through your hair or brush your cheek with his thumb while he stares at you or the ceiling. Even when he has doubts about you loving him, your body always subconsciously shifts towards him while you’re snoozing, and it makes him feel just a little better.

- Fake punches/hits you when he’s bored. Will hold his hands up and box at your face but never making contact, just enough to have you side-eye him. He thinks it’s funny.

- Shoulder kisses.

Dating Him/NSFW:

- Can and will touch you inappropriately no matter the circumstances. His rough hands groping your ass or shoving between your thighs to give flirty little touches in front of everyone, his shit-eating grin when you get embarrassed.

- “Stop glaring, sweet cheeks. I know you want me.”

- Will fight to his dying day that he’s a top, but as soon as you even give him a glint of dominance or snap at him, he’s folding so fast. Dominant person, submissive lover.

- Killing machine on the field, pathetic ass bottom in bed. It takes forever to get to that point, but once he’s mentally checked out and half-drooling on the mattress, he’s so pliable and lightheaded he’ll take it with ease. You have to really work for it, but Jeff trusts you/wants it bad enough subconsciously that he’ll force himself to go into a subspace.

- All-time favorite position is laying you out on your back, one leg up on his shoulder while the other is being held down at your side. It really opens you up and gives the nastiest, most lewd noises that have him pussydrunk. Bonus points for reaching a hand in to choke you.

- “And to think you were beggin’ me to stop while your pussy is soaked. I mean, look at you, babe. You’re suckin’ me in somethin’ awful.”

- CHOKING. Either you or him, he gets off on it so bad. Choking you is so satisfying, he loves the resistance and struggle as you gasp for air, face flushed and eyes rolling with his fist around your throat. Meanwhile, if you’re choking him, his body nearly convulses from the pleasure. He loves the lightheadedness and pressure of it, hoarse chuckles as both of your hands grip around his neck and just squeeze. He thinks he could cum just from being strangled.

- “What’s wrong, baby? Lil’ too much? Ah- You’ll get over it, just open up f’me.”

- Hair pulling, strangling, biting, smacking—really anything that’ll cause pain.

- Standing side-by-side in the mirror, his body is littered with nasty cuts and scars while yours is littered with pretty bite marks and hickeys. He loves it.

- Eating you out is so tiring, but it’s all worth it to look up and see your heavy, glassed-over eyes beaming down at him, lips parted as you’re gasping.

- Hard, quick thrusts that have you gasping and yelping. His hips snap against yours rhythmically until you throw your head back, then he leans in close and shifts his knees closer to really speed up. He never has a set pace, but prefers always adjusting to whatever has you making the most noise.

- “C’mon… Louder- Hah- I’m not stoppin’ till you’re cryin’ for it.”

- A bitch fight every time you two get together. Bickering with the other about ‘who can last longer’ or ‘going until you beg for it’ and it irritates the shit out of both of you. Gets you both riled up that you’re more fighting than fucking, but by the end, you’re both dead exhausted and reduced to panting messed laid out on top of each other.

- Refuses to pull out. He can’t get you pregnant, Slender made sure of that (God help if this heathen was allowed to procreate), so it’s either in your cunt, ass, or mouth, nowhere else. Even if he’s jerking himself off, he’ll wait to cum until he can get to you and finish himself out.

- Stands over you and stares hard enough until you’re reduced to your knees, words never even leaving his lips before you’re unbuckling his belt and shifting his jeans down. He’s fought you enough, sometimes you like to just be good for him.

- Pulling him in by his belt >>>>>>>>>

- Eating you out or sucking you off so much that drool leaks from his scars, eyes so hazed and soft as he hums and moans against you.

- “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

- Fucked you with the handle of his knife because you read something about it in a book and wanted to see if it actually felt good. He was weirded out at first, but when he watched you jerking your hips and mumbling for him to fuck you, he’s never fucked his cock in faster while rubbing the blunt of the handle against your drooling clit. Same thing with running the blade against your skin. It just elicits some reaction out of you that he can’t understand, but it turns him on terribly.

- Has a big thing for cop x prisoner roleplay actually.

- “What? Officer, how am I supposed to finger you with these handcuffs, hm? I guess you’ll just have to let me go, yeah? Or do you not want it as bad as your pussy leads me to believe?”

- Really loves fingering you while he’s buried in your ass. Curling his fingers up to make you arch your back just a little more, having your head spinning from the overstimulation… yeah.

- A 2-3 round champion. He’ll never be able to just cum once and be satisfied, regardless if you’re ready to stop or not, he’s forcing his cock back into wherever it was or in a completely different hole and riding himself out to his next orgasm. If he’s not shaking and on the verge of passing out after sex, it wasn’t good enough for him.

- “Jeff, stop! We could get caught!” “Or you could just shut up and take your panties off. You’re soaked, there’s no point in fighting me when I’m already this hard… C’mon, baby, give me your hand or something…”

Thanks for reading!

Comments and reblogs are appreciated!

[mknae-jongho]

Special day

Summary: It’s your husbands’ birthday meaning he’s off work today and you’ll have all the free time you want. Since it’s his birthday you want to do some special for him.Its a day he may never forget!!

Genre:Fluff,smut

𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 : established relationship, idolhusbandChoiSan, Wife!femreader,teasing, pet-names (jagiya, sweetie, sannie, baby), explicit content, blindfolding, praise, cunnilingus, fingering, love-making, rough sex, unprotected sex (Stay protected pls), cussing; banging against the wall and mattresses/bed squeaking, choking, spitting, manhandling, just a good fuck and tuck.

Ps:ITS SANNIE BIRTHDAY, my mann is growing on me👏🏽😭. Since it’s his birthday i wanna do a little something special for ya!! He is 25 omg, but anyways Happy birthday sannie.😘

J pov

—Hyung don’t you think it’s a little too early, it’s freaking 7:30 i’m the morning.— shaking your head as you continued to push the shopping cart. —Janae we have to be up early if we want the surprise to turn out how we want it y’know.— Hongjoong adding the birthday supplies into the cart.

—yeah but still, im still a little tired.— seeing that joongie payed you no mind you just got on your phone to pass time.

—Hey joong umm sannie just texted me.— you looked up to see him already looking at you before he walked towards. —What did he say?—Opening up your phone you showed him the message as you began typing.

Sannie🏔️:jagiya?

You: yes baby?

Sannie🏔️: where are you? it’s early and i don’t see you here.

Looking at hongjoong for help as you don’t know what to say . —Don’t look at me.— shrugging his shoulders with his hands on either side. —Joongie what am i going to say ? technically it’s your fault.— He looked at you with one hand on his chest with a face expression of offense.

—Just tell him you’ll be there soon.—

—But what if..okay— as you do what you’re told but sannie just kept texting, which isn’t shocking.

Sannie🏔️: where are you tho it’s early.

Hello??

Baby😢.

You: Sannie pls baby, I’ll be there soon i’m otw i promise.

Sannie🏔️: Okay i guess.

—okay he stopped texting now.— you guys make it to check out to pay for everything, while you guys got settled into the car you called Wooyoung.

OTP: -woo?-

—janae where are you san is getting on my last nerves.—

—i’m so sorry woo, we’re planning a surprise party for san and i need you guys to get him out the house for a while;while we set up the party.Pls woo?—

—where do i take him?—

—Anywhere woo just get him away from home.—

—Okay i got you.—

—thank baby.—

-your welcome janae now hurry.—

With that the call ended. —Okay joong i got woo & the other guys to take san out so we can set things up at home.— hooking your phone up to the bluetooth.— Great because we’re bout 5 mins away.

——————————————————————————————

—JOONG HURRY!— turning around giving you a side eye. —Don’t give me no side eye.— taking the cake out of the fridge, you placed the candles on top. —Janae go get ready ill finish this up.— taking the rest of the candles out your hands thanking him before heading towards you & sannie shared room.

J pov

After taking me a quick shower and putting on my lingerie i received a ft call from sannie.

—Fuck.— in panic mode i happened to find a robe nearby that i rushed to put on. Setting my phone up straightening my hair up a little bit i answered the phone.

Sannie🏔️:Took you a minute to answer.

You: yeah i’m sorry i just got out the shower.

Sannie🏔️: So.. does today seem special to you?

Knowing what he mean i pretended to act oblivious.

You: Umm no, i don’t think so.. is it supposed too?

Sannie🏔️: Jagiya? are you serious?

My baby look so sad rn i just wanna kiss him all over his face and tell him how sorry i am but i can’t! not rn.

You: What?

Sannie🏔️: You really did forget.

uh ohh..😬

You: What baby?

Sannie🏔️: Nvm, we’re otw i’ll see you when we’ve arrived i guess.

You: okay baby i love you.

Sannie🏔️: Mk.

With that being the last thing said, the call ended. San always says i love you back…unless he’s pissed😬…oops.

knocked back into your senses you see joongie walking towards your room.

—Hey they are right down the street did you find something to wear?— Standing up, you walked towards your closet to pick out a black bodysuit — Yeah just let me put it on.— Closing your closet door your hear joong yell from outside.—Come downstairs when you’re done.— you hear him leaving and the door closed behind him.

Rushed putting on my clothes i spray sannie fav perfume before running over to my full body mirror in the corner of the room to check myself out. Grabbing my phone i took a couple a pics to post before going down stairs.

—Okay i just got off the phone with hwa , they’re here.— He ran to cut off the lights while i hid behind the couch. Shortly after we’re both hidden, the boys walked through the door.

—woo did she really forget?— aww he sound so sad. —San i don’t know you’ll have to talk with her.— Joong gave me two taps on my thigh indicating to get ready. counting down from three in my head.

3…..2…..1….

—SURPRISE!!— the lights flickered back on as the boys including hovering around him, But his eyes stayed contact with you as left to go get the cake.

………

While the members sat in the living room watching television and chatting with each other, you felt two arms hug around your waist with a head in between your neck. Turning around wrapping your arms around his neck you kiss him a couple times while his arms gets tighter around you. —I thought you forgot my birthday.— he mumbled into the kiss before pulling away.

-No baby i would never, i just didn’t wanna ruin the surprise we had planned for you.— placing a finger underneath his chin rilling him in for another kiss.

It continues for a while with his hands gripping your ass lifting one leg up placing his bulge on your covered cunt before grinding into you slowly while one hand is on your neck.

—okay baby that enough for rn.— pushing him back while he let out a little whine. —How about you go tell the boys that it’s time to eat?— he stared at you for a while before shaking his head in agreement stealing a kiss from you before runnin off to the boys.

J pov

i watched as he left to go over to the boys. he’s just so sweet and deserves so much love. Knocking myself out of my daze, i turned to get everything ready and put food and cake on each person plate.

—Baby the plates are ready.— i yelled while placing each plate on the table for everyone to grab. They came in all at the same time to get their food & they all gave their thanks.

San pov

—Mmh, this food is so good..— i watched as the members agreed with me, some even slapped their head back.

I saw as my jagiya left out the kitchen with her plate in her hand and walked towards the living room where we were.

—hey baby.— she pinched my cheek before sitting down on the couch behind me. —Hii.— she said looking down at me.

I got up to sit down beside her on the couch before leaning in the place a kiss on her lips.

—Ya’know baby, i thought you’ve forgotten about my birthday.— i told her with a pout. — Like i told you before, i would never san.— she grabbed my face and gave me a couple pecks.

Her lips is so addicting, i’ve got so caught up in the moment that i didn’t realize that the room have gotten so quiet until my jagiya pulled away.

—Finally, you guys go get a room.— Woo young yelled hitting me in the back of my head.

—who wants to play mario cart?— Mingi shouted wanted to change the subject.

The guys all agreed while i just sat there. I want one last thing for my birthday, i just gotta plan how to get it.

J pov

Watching the guys play mario cart as i’m patiently waiting for my turn, san left to go grab a blanket as he claim that he’s “cold”.

Leaning my head back onto the arm rest, san made his way back into the room and layed down on top on me while placing the blanket on top.

—San baby you’re heavy.— Wrapping your arms around his neck, you gently draw circles on his back.

He rises up slightly placing your legs around his waist as he placed his arms over your head. He lean down to kiss you softly with doing so, only soon turned heated —I want you. i just want you for my birthday.— he moaned softly with grinding on my cloth clit.

—babe the boys are around!— i whispered but loud enough for only him to hear .

—Let’s go to the bedroom baby pls, i need you. please.— he whined putting his head between my neck placing soft wet kisses.

—Umm guys, me & san are heading to bed goodnight.— i watched as the boys faces are confused but continued to play the game while i grabbed sannie, making our way to our shared bedroom.

As we entered the room making sure the door is locked. San pushed you against the wall kissing you roughly.

—Fuck i need you janae.— he pulled back to remove his shirt and his pants only leaving on his boxers.—Come here baby girl.— You walked towards him as he sat on the edge of the bed waiting for you. He pulled you towards him softly before saying,—you look so good baby but i need you to take this off for me, hmm?— He gave your ass a soft squeeze before giving it a spank.

Backing away, you slowly remove your bodysuit and as you removed it, you saw san get up from the bed and walked behind you. You felt him grab your waist as you removed the bodysuit from your body, leaving you in your matching purple lingerie set you wanted to surprise him with.

—Sit on the bed sannie, i wanna give you something special tonight.— pushing him back onto the bed you walked towards your dresser pulling out a blindfold. Walking back towards him you got in his lap tying the blindfold around his head.

—Just relax and enjoy baby.— you push him back softly as he put his hands behind his head biting his bottom lip.

Your hands softly rubbed against his chest rubbing down to his stomach and then his v-line. You hear as his breathing became heavy and his hips grind up wanting to feel any friction.

—jagiya pls.— he removed one of his hands from behind his head to grab the waistband of his boxers tugging softly, licking his lips. Lifting your hips up you grabbed his boxers before dragging them down his legs. You climbed back on top of him seeing his reddened tip as it dripped precum.

Grabbing his dick, you slowly moved your hand upward and downwards seeing as he twitched in your hand. You stick your tongue out, softly licking the tip swallowing the precum before closing your mouth around his tip sucking softly moaning against it from the taste.

—Fuck jagiya,— he groaned putting one hand in your hair making a ponytail form before pushing your head down softly. — go lower baby.— he told you in a low tone which sent chills down your spine onto your dripping core.

Doing as you’re told, you began to go lower and lower until all of him is in your mouth. —mmhhh, feels so good baby, fuck keep sucking.— his grip on your hair tighten as he legs started shaking a little.

—Daddy’s gonna come soon. Fuckkkk babygirl.— he held your head still as he began thrusting up going deep down your throat. Hearing you gagging is bringing him on edge as his moans getting louder. Shortly after, you felt his hot steamy cum run down your throat as you started drinking his cum.

Taking the blindfold off of him, you climbed back into his lap before locking your lips onto his as he griped your waist tearing your underwear off. He lined his tip at your entrance as grabbed your throat with his free hand.

Entering slowly for you to adjust to his size, he made eye contact with you before speaking. —Gonna fuck you so good jagiya all you’re gonna remember is my name.— He said against your lips. Catching you off guard he suddenly thrust deep inside your core leaving an expression on your face making him smirk.

—Fuck sannie.— You moaned softly as you grabbed his bicep to hold onto something from the extreme pleasure. He gripped your hips harshly fucking into you hard before giving you a couple of harsh spanks. His grip still on your neck he pulled you towards him to locking your lips together before biting and sucking onto your bottom lip.

—You like that, hmm? Feels good baby?— kiss you softly. —Yess sannie, fuck you fucking me so good babyy, omggg.— moaning loudly as he flipped you over leaving him to be on top. —Who do you belong to? hmm?— Seeing as your moaning loudly and can’t speak correctly, He thrust into you harshly bringing you back onto earth before asking again.

—Answer me sweetie.— Giving you another harsh thrust, he gripped your chin lifting your head up to looking at him biting his lip. Giving you another hard thrust, your eyes closed and rolled to the back of your head as you began to scratch his back mouth hanging open.

—Who do you belong to hmm?— he began fucking you at a fast pace while still gripping your chin shaking your face a little to bring you back. He spat in your face and your mouth slapping you slightly. He grabbed your legs closing them to place them on your chest leaning forward to hit deeper inside you. You both moaned louder from the position

—jagiya,— gripping your hair harshly while giving your ass a hard spank. —I’ll ask again hmm?—spanking you again as his pace sped up making the bed squeaky and bang against the wall multiple times. —who.do.you.belong.too? hmm? hmm jagiya?— he place a hand on your stomach and press against it softly and felt his bulge in your stomach.

—i belong to you sannie, fuckkkk i belong to you. I can’t take it baby, slow do— Your cut off by him going faster inside you.

—i’m gonna cum babygirl.— he slowed down but his thrust is still hard. he spread your legs a little to place his thumb onto your clit rubbing in small circles. You moaned loudly as you felt your stomach tightened up and your legs shook.—fuck cum for me baby. i know you want too.— You went over edge and came all over san and your stomach, your juices rolled onto the bed as your legs shook fiercely before san pulled out as you moan loudly from the emptiness.

He went down on you spreading your legs wider before sticking his tongue out licking your clit softly. Your legs shake from overstimulation as he looked up at you watching your expressions before suddenly sucking harshly.

Your legs closed around his head tightly but soon was forced open. he began eating you out, licking, sucking, whatever he knew that made you feel good. You felt like you were going to explode from too much pleasure. moving your hand down you pushing his head away from you as your slowly climbed up.He sat up a little dragging you down by your thighs before placing his head back between your legs. your hands still moving to push him off as your moaning loudly. He suck harshly making you grip his hair hard.

He grabbed your wrist holding them against your stomach while still sucking. Feeling the mixer and pain and pleasure, you put your feet on his shoulders kicking back softly. Going nowhere he still sucking on your clit harshly before removing his head. A string on drool still connected ,he held your wrist with one hand to free one of his hands and placed two of his fingers at your entrance.

You looked down at him with your hair messy and your body sweaty, you see him looking at you before entering his fingers inside you gunning in and out. He smirked up at you while speeding his pace up. —Look at you jagiya, you look a mess. You’re taking what daddy’s giving you so well.— while fingering you, he attached his lip back on your clit licking and sucking. Sped his pace up, the room became quiet with nothing heard but the squelching noise that’s between your legs and the sucking and slurping noise from san.

Moaning loudly your legs shook harshly as you squirt over his face. Still fingering you through your climax. He looked back up at you before pulling his fingers out giving you a spank on the cheek. He leaned up to place his lips onto yours slipping his tongue into your mouth. placing his hand on your throat squeezing softly as he grinding onto you making you moan, he looked into your eyes before saying,— i’m not done with you yet baby, but your doing do well for me don’t ya think? hmm?— moving your hair from your sweaty face.— we’re almost done baby m’kay.—

Pecking your lips softly he grabbed your arm harshly before turning you onto your stomach. Slapping your ass a couple of times before grabbing your hips lifting you up. He spread your legs leaning down to kiss and lick your clit a couple of times gripping your ass. Leaning up he lined his tip up at your entrance before thrusting in harshly. Holding on to the sheets you moan loudly in a trance while he gripped your hips going faster.

—fuck baby, you feel so fucking good. just wanna fuck this pussy all day hmm.— one of his hands reached forward to grab your neck while the other one pulled your hair which made your head lean back and your back arched deeply. your hands reached up in the air unable to grab anything while tears run down your face and drool falling from your face.

— haha, if only you could see yourself jagiya, what a mess you are on my dick baby. Fucking you so good baby, what’s my name hmm?— thrust into you harder and faster your toes began to curl up as your eyes rolled back into the back of your head as your yelled san name out loud sounding like a trance. —fuck i’m gonna come babygirl. are you gonna come with daddy baby? hmm? like a good girl your gonna come for daddy?— speeding up his pace he put his index finger and his middle finger in your mouth making you choke on it.

Your juice squirts out and you’re getting closer and closer. San spanks your ass again harshly and placed his hand in the middle of your back pushing you down to go deeper. His cock began twitching inside of you as he leaned forward laying his chest on your back so your chest on laying on the bed. He thrust into you harshly as he put his hand over your mouth to hush you. He started making marks in your neck and your back leaving hickeys.

He grabbed your hair with the same hand that was over your mouth and pulled your head back before connecting your lips leaving sloppy kisses while still thrusting into you. —i’m cumming, im cumming baby fuckkkkk. IM CUMMING.— he stopped his paced as he shot his hot load into you as his legs shook. you both moaning together while he held you tight grinding a little to empty himself slowly pulling out laying beside you as you both breathe heavily.

—Happy birthday sannie.— wrapping your arm across his chest leaning up to place a soft kiss on his lips which he softly returned. Having a soft and sweet make out for a while he pulled back slightly before saying, — Thanks jagiya, i’ve gotten the best gift i could ask for, from my beautiful wife.

You both lied there in a comfortable silence before getting up grabbing his hand softly. — Let’s go get cleaned up baby.— He follows behind you with his hands around your waist as his head in your neck placing soft light kisses as you made it inside your bathroom bending down to cut your shower water on. You felt something hard against your ass as you felt him grind softly.

—Really sannie?.— reaching up to slap him softly against his chest. —Sorry jagiya, you’re just so hard to resist.— kissing your neck walking back until you’re bout under the shower head.

—I love you jagiya.—

—i love you too.—

—it’s a special day hmm?—

Yes it is…The End

A/N:Im sorry for any mistakes that are made while writing. If there are anything that’s misspelled i’m sorry forgive me😭. I’m a little late on posting this for my husband’s birthday but i’m posting it now.👏🏽👏🏽

Happy birthday sannie🏔️💕.

𝖆𝖙𝖊𝖊𝖟 𝖒𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙

[olderthannetfic]

if you don't mind me sending yet another personal questions on anon... i'm in my mid-20s, single, and pro-abortion because i'd rather fetuses not be born rather than abandoned or died of hunger or stunted from malnutrition. i'm from a third-world country so it's very common here and it's very sad to me. i'm not exactly poor though, more like middle class, i guess?

recently my coworkers talked about getting married and having children. one of them said "i've seen old people without children and no one takes care of them. also, an old person's happiness is mostly from watching their children grow up. that can never be replaced with anything." it sounds a little bit weird to me, but i'm not sure if it's because i'm single and have never looked up about parenting and children before, so i asked "but isn't it selfish to give life to children because you want someone to take care of you/you don't want to die alone? and aren't there other sources of happiness?" they reiterated that watching your children grow up is a different kind of happiness and that "having someone to take care of you is not the main goal, but it's gained anyways" but the way they said it sounds like it's the main goal to me because they don't state any other goals like "i want a footballer kid" or "i want a kid to take them on trips" or even "to continue the bloodline in the name of evolution". i honestly don't really get it.

i mean, they're free to think whatever they want as long as they don't abandon their children, but it brings me to a dilemma. i'm scared of dying alone and missing out on watching my own children grow up. but also, i don't think i'm ready to have children due to my mental capacity and lack of parenting skills. i'm scared of being selfish; what if my child turns out unhappy and depressed like me? what even is MY main goal? i have so many that i want to do, like travelling around the world, but eventually all my goals will be fulfilled and i'll have spare money, but i'll be less mobile when i grow up, and being pregnant is more dangerous as you grow older.

i'm still single so i think i have time to think about it, but it creeps on me like a ticking timer. since you and some of your readers are older and have probably went through this dilemma, what do you think? what even brought you to the point where you're set on having/not having children?

--

Yes, people are absolute morons about children.

In the context of the US, we have shit health care and a shameful dearth of ways to care for our elderly, disabled, or terminally ill. Most of the work falls to family. It is absolutely true that people with kids have a better shot of reasonable end of life care...

However, that's going to depend on where you live, and you could easily end up estranged from your kids or your kid could get hit by a bus or something. Treating something as major as parenthood as a guarantee of in-home nursing is fucking stupid in any country.

Different kind of happiness, my ass.

I'm happy I managed to have a kid after leaving it pretty late. My baby is delightful. I still don't see how this is that different from a best friend or a hobby. I think a lot of people are just boring and have no idea how to be rabidly passionate about their hobbies. They also have no idea how to build emotional intimacy. If they can't make a bff who'd nurse them through cancer, they probably can't instill those feelings in their kid either.

Most people find conception just fine up through the mid 30s. Late 30s even. I had to do IVF because I waited into my 40s. The pregnancy was still fine. The birth sucked because I didn't yell at the hospital staff forcefully enough or have a good enough advocate with me, but it still turned out okay. The medical part should be a relatively small part of your calculation unless you have reason to think the local medical system will make pregnancy particularly dangerous.

--

For me... I'd always assumed I'd have one. I didn't find the right partner, but I did run out of time. I pictured what my life would look like in five years with a kid. What would we be doing together? And I liked that picture, so I went for it.

One thing that helped a lot was that my mother was perpetually too busy running a business but did genuinely care. She left me alone to pursue my own hobbies a lot and did not hover because she was always doing ten thousand things, including her own stack of hobbies.

Most parenting content is about as pleasant as cleaning out a latrine. It's all full of "Do these seventy-two things every single morning or you're a Bad Mother™" and pretending like kids need your overbearing personality squashing them 24/7.

I like to joke "Well, you have to know which end goes up, and you have to feed them occasionally."

Thousands of years of imperfect people did manage not to drop the baby on its head. We even have vaccines now. You would be fine.

Also, my mother absolutely did drag me around the world when I was little. She got a chance to go visit Indonesia with a gamelan she used to play with when I was four and a half, so off we went. I had to completely change how I ate because it was all random homestays in the mid 80s, and the food they had was the food they had. Mom didn't think twice about this.

The biggest parenting error people make—not just personal happiness error but child emotional health error—is stopping living their lives because kids somehow need some bullshit normie fantasy of staying home forever and doing nothing interesting. You need to make a lot of time to do things with the kid, but those can be the things you actually like, not shit from a canned list of child appropriate activities.

If you are never "selfish", you will only teach your child that they cannot have both a kid of their own and a life.

Children need consistency, but that consistency is you caring about them and being around, not you giving up ever having personal time or interests.

[ryker-writes]

Sibling with a chronic illness (part 2)

This is a second part to one of my favorite things I've written! It's basically angst with the characters who have a younger sibling with a chronic illness and they keep it hidden from their older sibling because they don't want them to suffer more. The younger sibling ends up going into a coma and the doctor reveals to the character that they don't have much time left

First part here

Request rules and Masterlists

Characters: Riddle, Azul, Kalim, Vil

Riddle:

perfection

it was demanded of you from you and Riddle's mother and you were raised to eternally abide by that

anything less than the perfect life that your mother had planned was not accepted

but life always had a funny way of twisting things around

so when you got sick, you kept it hidden from everyone in fear of your mom finding out

and everyone included Riddle

you loved Riddle, and he was a very good brother, but he was...a lot like her and a natural worrier

Riddle had already been through so much with his overblot, and you didn't want to bring more negative feelings upon him

he deserved to be happy and you didn't want to disturb that at all

so you kept it from him

of course, it wasn't that easy

as time passed, you grew more sick, and even started coughing up blood

you were lucky enough that Riddle didn't notice how often you went to the bathroom to cough up blood

but he did notice once that you had a red stain on your clothing

Heartslabyul was often full of red paint for the roses and you were able to convince him it was just paint

it wasn't an act you could keep up forever

as the days went by, you could feel yourself growing weaker and weaker

the worst of it was at an unbirthday party

as usual, Riddle had pushed everyone to make sure this party was incredible

it was exausting, but you pushed yourself to get through it

...maybe you pushed yourself too hard

because when it was time to actually celebrate, the world started spinning and you felt your legs give out from under you before...nothing

Riddle nearly had a heart attack when you collapsed

of course, the party was immediately cast aside as he started shouting orders to the others before taking you to the infirmary

Riddle had never walked through the school faster, in fact he was running

A school rule was not to run in the halls, but right now, he didn't care

No one wanted to get in his way

but upon bringing you to the infirmary, he received the worst news

you were in a coma, and you were dying

Riddle felt stupid

how could he not know? How could he not see the signs?

His own sibling was dying and he couldn't do anything about it

he'd never felt so...helpless

his own mother was a doctor, he should've noticed sooner

he should've helped you

why? why would you hide it from him?

you two were supposed to be close and be able to tell each other anything

but you didn't tell him, and he could do nothing

Riddle had decided to remain by your side for as long as he could, even if it meant not attending classes

because you were more important to him than any rule could ever be

Azul:

Azul an you have always been very close as siblings

growing up, you were about the only one he had for a long time

you were his strength when he was sad and crying because of what others would say

even as you two kept growing and he grew stronger, you two were just as close as ever

he told you everything

you told him...almost everything

there was one thing you didn't tell him: you were sick

it wasn't any normal sickness either, this one won't go away

but you just couldn't tell Azul

you were his strength, and he had come so far from the octomer he used to be

he wasn't as sad anymore and he was doing really well for himself now

and you...you didn't want to ruin that

you'd hate to see him cry again

so you kept it to yourself and Azul was blissfully unaware

he never commented on how you would quickly run off to the bathroom to cough up blood

perhaps he was too buried in his work to even notice

not that you minded, it made it easier to hide

you just had to be careful around the observant eyes of Jade

he would likely report anything suspicious he saw about your behavior to Azul

since no one ever confronted you about it, you assumed that he didn't notice

however...there was no way Azul didn't notice when you collapsed onto the floor of the VIP room

it was right in front of him too

to say Azul was panicking when he saw you collapse was an understatement

he thought his heart nearly stopped, and he was desperately hoping that didn't happen to you

Azul was quick to abandon his current work to take you to the infirmary

it was there that he thought his heart actually did stop

the doctor told him that you had fallen into a coma after collapsing, and you didn't have much time left

he'd be lying if he said he didn't blame himself

you two were supposed to be able to tell each other anything, but you kept this big secret from him for who knows how long

now here you were, laying unconscious in the infirmary bed with Azul by your side

he wasn't going to leave your side, but he also wasn't just going to sit around and do nothing

the Monstro Lounge was being run by Jade during Azul's absence and Azul spent nearly every waking moment by your side studying and researching to find anything that could help you

he was determined there was some way to help you

the doctors just haven't found it yet

you were his sibling, and Azul needed you with him through everything

you were always his support, but now it was his time to be yours

and for you, he would pay any price and make any deal just for you to be awake again

Kalim:

Kalim was always so happy

Even as you two were growing up, his cheerful energy always brightened any room

he was an amazing older brother

whenever you were feeling down, he would do anything he could just to see you smile again

it was very rare to ever see him sad or upset about something

that's exactly why you couldn't tell him the truth

you were very sick, to the point that you were even coughing up blood

thankfully Kalim never seemed to notice

he was always lost in his little world, and trying to get others to join him

if you were being honest, seeing how happy he always was brought you comfort despite your illness

Kalim deserves to be happy

But telling him would mean getting rid of his smile, and you just couldn't do that to him

so you kept it hidden

Kalim was blissfully unaware of your growing sickness and how it seemed to get worse each passing day

even when you got to the point of coughing up blood, he never noticed

in a way you've very happy to have a brother who doesn't pay such close attention

but that would only last so long

after all, it's hard not to notice his sibling passing out at one of his own parties

and for once, the party was put aside regardless who or what it was thrown for

you were a bigger priority to him than any party

Kalim hated to leave parties, but he didn't think twice about it this time

he took you to the infirmary while Jamil handled the aftermath of panic at the party

the entire way to the infirmary, Kalim was fighting tears

he was just so worried

it only seemed to get worse once the doctor saw you, and gave Kalim the bad news

you had fallen into a coma, and you didn't have much time left

Kalim sat in disbelief for a few minutes after that

his sibling...was dying?

how could this happen?

how did he not know?

why didn't you tell him?

there has to be a cure right?

the doctor had told him there wasn't a cure, and Kalim was destroyed

Kalim was lost

he didn't know what to do, but he couldn't just carry on while you were there in a coma

so he waited patiently by your bedside for the day when you would finally wake up

he spent his days rambling to you about things he heard are going on around the school

and he spent his nights crying and quietly begging for you to wake up

Vil:

growing up as a Schoenheit, there was a certain pressure to always look and be your best outside your home

Your brother Vil, was always there to help you with that

he was always accepting of you and helping you whenever you needed it

and when you weren't your best in public, Vil always covered for you

even when you weren't in public, Vil was there for you

that's probably why it was so hard to tell him what the doctor said

the truth was that you were sick, and there was no cure

but how were you supposed to tell Vil that?

you knew that if he found out, he would deny that there's no cure and even cancel a lot of his appointments to find a cure or help you

those jobs of his and all his appointments...that's his career

it's what makes him happy

you couldn't bring yourself to tell him and put a stop to that

he would try to help you and take care of you all the time as kids, so you thought maybe this time, you can do what's best for him

but it was hard to keep it hidden

Vil was observant, and Rook being around all the time didn't help

you would often rush off to the bathroom only to cough up blood, but you had to be extra careful not to have a single stain on you or anywhere in the bathroom in case they notice

even if you were sure there wasn't a stain, one of them would often ask if you were okay

you were always quick to say you were, but you often wonder if they've caught on

maybe they should have

because as the days passed, your illness got worse

you could feel your body getting weaker, and everything seemed more bittersweet

something wasn't right with you, you could tell

and you should've said something

Vil had you come to his room like usual so the two of you could do his special skin care routine

it was usually a very nice time for the two of you to chat and hang out without other people staring at you

but Vil knew something was wrong the second your eyes started closing

"Are you alright? You shouldn't be tired so early."

Vil lightly shook you when you didn't respond before realizing that you were unconscious

without a moment of hesitation, he abandoned the skin care routine in favor of taking you to the infirmary

the students of Night Raven College were shocked

THE Vil Schoenheit was walking around with a halfway done skin care routine, and he looked slightly distressed

rumors were quick to spread, Vil didn't care

you were his priority right now

he didn't care what anyone was thinking, until the doctor revealed the truth to him

you were in a coma and you didn't have much time left

at that point, he only cared what you were thinking

how could you not tell him?

Why didn't you tell him?

He tried to think of many reasons, not a single one good enough

and how did he not notice?

Vil used to pride himself on knowing when you needed help and being there

it was part of your bond as siblings

but you needed help all this time, and he wasn't there

you kept him from helping

he was angry and heartbroken

even though you were unconscious, he spent a lot of time lecturing you about how stupid you were for hiding this from him

whenever Rook or anyone else was there to check on you or him, he would smile and calmly tell them that you were going to be fine

he didn't seem worried in the slightest

but it's only after everyone left that he held your hand and let the tears fall

he didn't care about the mascara running down his face, how his eyes would be puffy after, how horrible his posture is, or even how messy his hair and clothing looked right now

all he cared about was you waking up

[fatuismooches]

Hello smooches! Before I begin, I wanted to say I LOVED your fragile reader story! And I can’t stop rereading everything you write about dottores beloved because it makes me feel so fluffy inside🥹🥹. Though I was expecting a sad ending it still made me cry like a baby and now I wanna fight but also hug you for how freaking talented you are!!! I swear I wish I could write as amazing as you do!

Now back to business, (ANGST) I had this random thought of fragile reader going blind due to their illness. Like it started slowly, so reader would randomly bump into things or trip causing Zandik or the clones to lightly scold them for being so clumsy but also make sure they’re okay. Or struggling to read one of the stories to little zandy due to how strangly blurry the words were.

And once one of the clones who was assigned to check their health, quickly noticed the deteriorating sign of the readers sight. This of course led to Zandik doing multiple tests and scans, coming to conclusion this was part of the disease fragile reader has. Preforming eye surgery on his beloved wasn’t an option either due to how frail their body was and it would cause far too much strain, therefore deemed too risky.

This would of course lead to fragile reader going fully blind and more in an upset state. Now officially no longer able to see those beautiful red eyes of his, or marvel at his creations.

Dottore however, despite being disappointed by this new obstacle, he doesn’t give up finding a cure. Going the extra mile to have fragile reader escorted around the halls of the lab by one of the clones and having them memorize the place so they don’t bump into walls or randomly end up in dangerous rooms. They would even round some of the edges of tables and desks so fragile ready couldn’t hurt themselves by bumping into it and ensuring all dangerous objects were out of the walk way. Though fragile reader wouldn’t be able to go in the lab anymore due to so many sharp objects and tripping hazards they always find themselves somehow inside leading to the clones panic and escorting them back to their room.

I like to imagine zandy too holding readers hand while escorting them around or even foxttore tugging on reader’s leg and leading them back after getting lost.

Dottore or one of the clones would have reader place their hands on his face allowing them to feel every scar and crevice, and brushing their fingers against his fluffy hair. He would even take fragile readers hand and place it over one of his creations (the safer ones), allowing them to figure out what it is.

Anyways have a wonderful year and thank you so much for the Dottore thoughts I’ve been inhaling them in as of it were oxygen. 💝💝

AHHH!! ❤️❤️ Thank you so so much!! I'm really happy you enjoy my Dottore hehe the goal is to make you feel very very fluffy!! >:) Here's my obligatory *hugs you* ofc ewjfbww I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY BUT PLEASE. I JUST LOOKED AT YOUR ART AND IT'S SO DELICIOUS I'M GONNA EAT IT?? I WISH I COULD DRAW LIKE THAT DOTTORE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING?!?! (BUT REALLY YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME FOR THE DOTTORE THOUGHTS!!)

But omg this whole brainrot is just... 💔 It's just one of those things you'd never thought would happen to you. Your illness had already taken so much from you, that you thought it couldn't steal anything else... you were wrong of course, fate had never been kind to you. You didn't pay much attention to the developing blurs or black spots, just chalking it up to being tired or whatever. However, the segments are extremely attentive to your sudden changes and don't let anything slip by them. Although this time it is already too late. There is nothing that can be done that wouldn't hurt you even more, and so you lose your visual window to the world. And though the segments and Dottore try to comfort you, what can they say that could make it better? Nothing would ever make up for losing such a crucial part of your life. They can only hold you as you cry about how scared you are to lose them. And how you want to wake up every day to them but now a part of that is taken away, no longer being able to see their beautiful faces.

In the beginning, without your sight, you have the need to either consistently hear Dottore's voice or hold a part of his body to feel reassured, otherwise, you feel terrified and alone. You don't want to be by yourself, you end up falling asleep on a segment or Dottore every night. It's very hard for you to navigate but thankfully your lovers are very patient and understanding. You miss going into the lab and bothering them with the experiments but at the least, you can listen to their voices. Their voices become much more special to you after losing your vision. You really start to notice how each of them has different tones, pitches, inflections... and how these things can change. Since you can't read their expressions or body language anymore. You love each of their voices immensely. And their warmth too... it makes you feel reassured. (They make sure to warm their hands just for you.) Unfortunately, the places you can walk around to are a lot more limited due to the fact that Dottore's lab in general is a whole safety hazard. Good thing is that Zandy is always willing to help,, I imagine he's always the one to read to you now... maybe you can't see his drawings anymore but he always takes your hand and places it over them... excitedly telling you about his childish drawings that you love so much!! Giggles the Puffttores as well... dozens of them crawling up your leg to stop you... they and Foxttore will defend you to the DEATH.

You definitely become a lot more touchy, and the clones won't stop you from touching them all over if that will make you feel better. Aww you guessing his new inventions 🥹 It would totally become a guessing game and he'd refuse to give you any hints! And even though you may not be able to see his beauty anymore, you vow to never forget the picture of him in your head.

[the-obnoxious-sibling]

*clasps your hand* we're officially on the same boat and I'm in tears reading your reply

I sometimes forget that Shanks doesn't know WHY buggy left him, so there's no way for Beckman to know either, all he knows is what Shanks thinks of it. Would he assume Buggy hated Shanks and be a bit tense when Buggy boarded the Red Force? Like what he could say to Shanks to hurt him, didn't think it was a good idea to give Buggy and his followers safe passage but Shanks was persistent (what a softie) so Beckman relented, only to be smacked in the face by their clear (begrudging in Buggy's case) fondness for other, he knew Shanks held no ill will against his childhood friend but???? What the hell Buggy obviously loves his Captain so then?? Why did they part at all, Beckman now knows there's more to it.

I can't think too much about Buggy's side of all this I'm gonna cry again WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WAS THINKING OF BECKMAN AS SHANKS "RAYLEIGH" 😭 I went back to check IKIKYB and Buggy thought of/brought up Rayleigh 18 times and I'm so emotional about it I can't do this

Buggy thinking he did good not joining Shanks because now he has a dependable and strong First Mate worthy of Shanks and the complete opposite of himself OOOUUGH I'M GONNA BE SICK BUGGYYYY I hate it here

While looking up the Rayleigh mention in ikikyb, I reread the part where Buggy casually says he knew being first mate to Shanks would be tough and he thought he'd be prepared, and Shanks looking on confused HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW BUGGY WAS GOING TO BE HIS FIRST MATE, CANON WISE, TOO, THESE TWO NEVER TALKED, NEVER GAVE ANY INDICATION OF WHY THEY DECIDED WHAT THEY DID. But anyway I ended up agreeing with Shanks in your Fic, it's how I feel about it, too. I'm happy Buggy didn't become his First Mate because now Buggy can follow his own dream. It's just all so sad the way it went about..

(anon’s previous ask on this topic)

yeah, all beckman can know about shanks&buggy is what shanks tells him, and we know shanks is missing a few key details there. so beckman’s knowledge is incomplete—but i’m certain he knows it’s incomplete. that’s part of why i think he’s quick to reserve judgment, he knows there’s context he doesn’t have.

.

the first person to get buggy thinking about rayleigh in ikikyb is actually lucky roux, both indirectly (by making a hangover cure for shanks that was rayleigh’s go-to back in the day) and directly (by telling buggy about the day shanks and his crew ran into rayleigh in sabaody). every time rayleigh’s mentioned after that scene, it’s either buggy gossiping with shanks about rayleigh or being reminded of rayleigh by people around him (mostly beckman, but once or twice shanks does something the same way rayleigh taught them as kids, and galdino reminds buggy of rayleigh once too 😉).

.

yeah, like, who knows if shanks is happy with where his life is right now, but i think buggy can’t imagine a better life for shanks than the one he’s currently got, and he wouldn’t have that life if buggy had stayed. so leaving shanks must’ve been the right call. and (in ikikyb, at least), shanks agrees for the opposite reason—because he believes, after what buggy tells him, that staying with shanks would’ve been bad for buggy.

[icarusignite]

Hey! I don't know if this is the proper format (still kind of new here) but I'm sending in this prompt for an Alfred × Reader fic. There's this idea for him that was stuck in my head a couple months ago. So…

It's set either S2 or S3 but it fits better in S3 or the break between 2 and 3. Alfred is really ill which isn't unusual for him, but this time he's taking a lot longer for him to heal and he's deteriorating more seriously than he normally would.

People in court start looking around for new healers and remedies. Alfred is also kind of desperate because he doesn't want to die before England is complete or Edward is ready to take over.

Reader, who is a healer, comes to court with the intention of helping Alfred. She's neither Dane nor Saxon, if you're comfortable with it she could be of Asian or African origin/descent (eg Father Benedict in S5). She's either Muslim or Christian, either way she's well read and a bit of a scholar (if you've seen Vikings: Valhalla S2, there's a female character that might ring a bell). She's also able to reassure him, like Iseult, that she's treating him with nature's bounty and nothing sinister.

Because she's a scholar (also maybe a Christian), Alfred is comfortable that she's not practicing witchcraft so this helps him accept her more easily. It also helps them bond and they become really close friends over the course of the months she spends treating him. They have fun banter and he's able to feel like Alfred, the man around her instead of King Alfred. Then he realizes that he has feelings for her.

At this point it could go any way really. Does Aelswith factor into it much or not? Does reader reciprocate his feelings or not? If she does, would she be comfortable giving into them and being a mistress? Is Aelswith even in the picture or is this a slight AU? Do they have a sad, happy or bittersweet ending? Idk

For extra spice, Reader could also be good friends with Uhtred or Finan which makes Alfred a little jealous but also sad because he thinks that she'd probably prefer the charming, handsome, potentially single, strapping man to whatever measly affection he could offer her.

Ideally, it would be fluff or smut but whatever you're comfortable writing is fine! Sorry if this is too long but I wanted to be as clear as possible 😅. I also understand if this is too much for a oneshot and you forego the idea entirely

Alfred the great x POC! Fem! Reader

Word Count: 4.6k

A/N: Heyy, so sorry this took literally eons to finally write. Thank you for your lovely request and also thank u for your patience <3 Hope you enjoy what I've done with your idea, and dw this will have another part where I'll explore their chemistry more. I watched a bunch of Alfred edits to get in the mood and ngl I'm lowkey in love with him now lmfao. 

Disclaimer: there might be some (a lot) historical discrepancies because I didn't line up the dates exactly but I did find out that the Golden Age of Islam overlapped significantly with the dates that the last kingdom spans so the reader is a prominent scholar from Baghdad. Also, Aelswith is dead (I'm sorry T_T) cuz I don't love a cheating trope even when it is sort of historically accurate. So we have single dad Alfred lol. 

The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you

Entering King Alfred's throne room, your senses were immediately awakened by the unfamiliar sights, sounds, and scents of Wessex. The room itself was a stark contrast to the opulent palaces and grand courts of Baghdad that you were accustomed to. The room was spacious, yet its decoration was surprisingly humble and simple, adorned with rough-hewn wooden beams and modest tapestries that depicted various scenes of English myths and prominent events. With a flash of triumph, you found that you recognized some of them from your studies of the English culture. A faint scent of burning wood from the hearth permeated the air with an earthy aroma.

You observed the nobles in attendance, or the ealdormen as they were called here, their attire markedly different from the splendid silks and jewels of Baghdad's court. Here, the people wore simpler garments made of sturdy wool and linen, in the dark colours of the earth as opposed to the the vibrant clothing the people of your home favoured.

Your gaze then turned to the throne itself. It was a robust wooden chair, its design austere yet imposing, lacking the grandeur of the magnificent thrones you had imagined English kings liked to occupy. King Alfred's regal figure atop the throne created a dignified presence. His clothing, matched the style of his ealdormen, long simple robes of a dull grey. The seat next to him was empty and you briefly wondered about his family. The chronicles you had read stated that a king's wife usually took her place beside him when he held court, but you did not know much of Alfred's wife.

Your fingers itched for your writing instruments, yearning to document all your observations and the happenings of the court. You seldom went anywhere without them, but now they remained tucked away in your satchel as you waited for the king to acknowledge your presence. You knew he had seen you enter, his eyes briefly meeting yours, even as he conversed with his ealdormen. Eventually, your thoughts began to wander and you couldn't help but reflect on the stark contrast between the scorching heat of Baghdad and the chilly bite of autumn in Wessex. your flowing linen tunic and trousers, so comfortable in the sweltering desert of your homeland, felt inadequate against the cold English air that seeped through the cracks in the stone walls.

You discreetly rubbed your tingling fingertips together, trying to generate some warmth, as the fire blazing at the hearth did little to banish the chill that had settled in your bones. Your longing for the warmth of the caliphate's sun was keenly felt in this unfamiliar and frigid environment.

Impatience welled up within you as you glanced around the chamber, noting the courtiers' stoic expressions and hushed conversations. The king's deliberations seemed to stretch on endlessly, and you found yourself yearning for the moment when you could finally present your credentials and seek the audience you had travelled so far to obtain.

King Alfred's voice finally called out your name, his voice echoing through the chamber.

"Esteemed lady, I welcome you to the court of Wessex."

The ealdormen, accustomed to the formalities of their court, were taken aback when you did not bow or curtsy as was expected. Instead, you offered a polite smile and tipped your head in a gesture of respect.

A murmur of surprise and disapproval rippled through the assembled courtiers. Some whispered that your behaviour was disrespectful, a breach of protocol. They exchanged curious glances, wondering how their king would react to this departure from tradition.

However, King Alfred took no offence. With a gracious nod, he signalled for you to speak.

"Thank you, your grace. It is an honour to be here."

Your accent was soft, lending your words a foreign intonation, and each syllable was carefully enunciated. You had spent months learning the language, and you weren't about to embarrass yourself now by messing up your pronunciation.

"I extend my deepest gratitude to you for undertaking such a long and arduous journey at my request. I hope the discomfort of the voyage did not prove too taxing."

"Your Majesty," you replied, "it was a journey of great honour for me, and I hope to make myself useful here."

King Alfred nodded appreciatively and then turned to a servant standing nearby.

"Please, ensure that the lady is provided with comfortable quarters and all the amenities she may require during your stay in Wessex."

The servant bowed in acknowledgment and stepped forward to escort you to your residence within the royal palace. You thanked the king once more for his hospitality and assistance before following the servant out of the chamber.

As you left the throne room, your observant nature couldn't help but take note of King Alfred's condition. Despite his attempt to appear at ease in his chair, you had perceived the subtle signs of discomfort. His favouring of his left side, indicating pain or injury to his right, and the unusually pallid complexion for an Englishman raised concerns in your scholarly mind. That was your purpose, after all, to try to diagnose and hopefully cure the ailing monarch.

Just when you were gone, the noblemen of King Alfred's court wasted no time in flocking around him, their curiosity piqued by the arrival of the enigmatic woman. They bombarded the king with questions and voiced their concerns about the unfamiliar customs you had displayed.

One nobleman, his voice dripping with skepticism, remarked, "Your Majesty, did you see that? She didn't bow or curtsy as she should have! It's as if she has no respect for you."

Another, eyeing your unusual attire and complexion, chimed in, "And her clothing, Your Grace! It's unlike anything I've ever seen in Wessex. She's clearly not from anywhere near England. What could she possibly want here?"

The murmurs of disapproval and suspicion spread among the courtiers, as they exchanged perplexed glances. To them, your arrival was an anomaly, and your behaviour had raised eyebrows and questions.

King Alfred, his countenance calm and measured, raised a hand to quell the growing unease.

"I understand your concerns, but there is nothing to worry about" he began, addressing their concerns. "The lady you have just met is a prominent figure from Baghdad. She has travelled from a distant land to be here and she is not here to defy our traditions or customs. She is a scholar seeking to further her studies in Wessex. Her journey to our land is a great honour, as it reflects the recognition of the importance of our own intellectual pursuits."

His tone left no room for further skepticism. He also did not mention the other reason you were there, as he did not wish to reveal the truth of his declining health. As the nobles filtered out of the room, somewhat still unsatisfied by his answer, Alfred couldn't help but remain still, his mind going over the recent developments. When he had first written to the Abbasid Caliphate to request that he be allowed to host a medical scholar at his court, he had to admit he was not expecting a woman, and certainly not one so beautiful.

The next day, Alfred summoned you to his private chambers for a consultation regarding his health. As you entered the room, he couldn't help but notice the change in your attire. Gone was the flowing linen tunic and trousers, replaced by a sturdier, more practical woollen English dress. The deep blue gauzy veil, however, was still draped around your head and flowed down your back.

The English clothing seemed to complement you, accentuating your elegance in a way that was both unexpected and captivating. The king, not for the first time, found himself admiring you, though he kept such thoughts to himself, mindful of the formal context of your meeting.

You, ever the professional scholar, maintained a polite and formal distance as you began your examination of the king. You inquired about his symptoms, listening attentively to his description of the pain and discomfort he had been experiencing. Your deep knowledge and keen medical insight were evident as you asked probing questions and conducted a thorough assessment.

After a careful evaluation, you began to discuss your observations and your initial diagnosis with the king. You explained your thoughts on the potential causes of his discomfort and suggested a course of treatment. King Alfred was grateful for your expertise, and couldn't help but be struck by your intellect. He had a thirst for knowledge himself and he appreciated the quality in others when he saw it. In you he recognized a passion for learning and documentation, one he held himself as well. After the medical examination, he extended an invitation to you to remain in his chambers and share a cup of tea. Initially hesitant, you eventually agreed, recognizing the value of the opportunity to engage in conversation with the English monarch.

Seated in the warmth of the chamber, Alfred began to share with you the rich history of England, its struggles, its triumphs, and its cultural tapestry. He spoke of the challenges of the Anglo-Saxon period, the battles against the Danes, and the enduring spirit of the English people. As he narrated the history of his land, Alfred couldn't help but notice how your eyes lit up with a deep fascination, even though you attempted to contain your enthusiasm. Your questions flowed naturally as you probed deeper into the history and culture of Wessex. You asked about the Anglo-Saxon kings, the legends and folklore, and the development of the English language.

You kept diligent notes in your little notebook, your hand swiftly capturing every detail of the conversation. Your keen intellect and insatiable thirst for knowledge were evident, and your genuine interest in Alfred's words warmed his heart. It had been quite a while since anyone had paid such rapt attention to what he was saying, and he found himself rejuvenated by your exchange.

As a lull settled over your conversation, Alfred's curiosity got the better of him. With a twinkle in his eye, he leaned forward and said, "My lady, I must admit, I'm quite curious about the contents of that notebook of yours. What sort of information have you been documenting to take back to your homeland?"

You smiled, your demeanour more relaxed than when you had first come in, "Your Majesty, you need not worry. I promise you, I haven't written that the English are fire-breathing trolls."

Alfred felt a grin tug at his lips, but he suppressed the urge, keeping his hands folded placidly over his stomach.

"Well, you know, if we English could breathe fire, we might have an easier time dealing with our enemies!"

"There is a trick that performers back home use, to give the illusion of breathing fire. The science behind it is quite fascinating. Perhaps I shall explain it to you sometime."

"Ah yes my lady, you have filled your book with our tales, but have yet to share yours. Do you have any secrets from the East that you'd like to share with us humble English folk?"

You couldn't help but smirk at his words, "I'm afraid some secrets are best left in the lands where they belong, your grace. We wouldn't want you to start brewing Persian tea incorrectly, now would we?"

"I doubt it can compete with our tried and trusted English tea."

"You only think that way because you haven't tried Persian tea yet. Trust me, once you have, there's no going back."

"I suppose you make a fair point! Although, I must admit, the thought of trying to decipher the intricacies of Arabic calligraphy is rather tempting."

You paused, your light-hearted nature urging you to make another joke but you strictly reminded yourself that you were in the presence of a king. It would do you no good to offend him with an ill-timed statement. You were already apprehensive about your earlier comment about the Persian tea, although you were grateful that he chose not to see it as a slight. As if sensing your hesitation, Alfred sat up in bed and leaned forward.

"You are free to speak my lady, do not hold yourself back on my account," he reassured with a wave of his hand.

Still, you settled for a polite smile, "I was just going to remark on the difficulty of calligraphy but I am certain that if anyone would be able to master it, it'd be you, Your Majesty."

A small furrow appeared between Alfred's brows as if that wasn't the answer he expected from you. He could see you pulling away, going back to your polite, almost cold professionalism. Eventually, he nodded thoughtfully at you.

"I would be ever so grateful if you could perhaps show me the technique someday, my lady."

You breathed a sigh of relief and nodded with a small smile.

"Now, about that notebook, if you would allow me to take a look?"

"Ah yes, of course," you handed over the small leatherbound journal to him quickly without further complaints. "But I must warn you, my handwriting isn't at its most legible."

Alfred accepted the notebook with a nod of appreciation. As he leafed through its pages, his eyes quickly fell upon your meticulously written notes. Your thoughts were inscribed in your native language and although he did not understand the words, your elegant looping script impressed him.

He raised an eyebrow and turned toward you expectantly, pointing toward a specific passage, "And what does this say right here?"

"It is a description of the English weather, your grace."

Alfred leaned closer, his finger tracing the inked lines on the page.

"Ah yes, English weather. It was raining when you first arrived, wasn't it? What do you think of our English rain then, my lady? I've heard it has a certain charm."

"Well, I believe your rain can be quite persuasive. It insists that one should stay indoors and read a good book."

Alfred's lips twitched again, fighting back a smile. It seemed that the new scholar shared his interests as well.

"A wise perspective, indeed. Perhaps our English rain is simply encouraging a literary lifestyle."

"Yes, your grace."

"My lady" he continued, a note of genuine admiration in his voice, "I must tell you, your handwriting is truly exquisite. Tell me, just how many languages have you learned."

You felt a blush creep into your cheeks at his compliment. There was something sincere in his eyes as he waited for your answer, looking at you like your accomplishments were the greatest thing in the world. You opened your mouth to respond but then a loud knock sounded on the door and a priest entered.

"Yes, Father Beocca," Alfred seemed irritated at the interruption.

Father Beocca's eyes glanced from you to the king, and despite the fact that you were sitting in a chair quite some distance away from him, you felt a strange flash of awkward embarrassment run through you.

"My king, Uhtred is here to see you," the priest finally stated.

Alfred sighed and turned toward you with an apologetic smile, "Shall we continue our conversation another time then, my lady? It seems that I am needed elsewhere."

"Yes, of course, your grace."

You quickly took your leave then, choosing to take one of your books and go read in the garden. You had just settled yourself into a comfortable nook when loud boisterous laughter caught your attention. Turning your gaze towards the source of the commotion, you spotted three men, two of whom were dressed in the attire of warriors. Their boisterous behaviour was evident as they playfully teased and shoved the third man, who was clad in robes that resembled those of Father Beocca. However, a leather breastplate adorned his monk's attire, hinting at a surprising duality of roles ��� priest and fighter.

The two warriors were engaged in a lively exchange with the monk, their laughter echoing through the garden. You couldn't help but smile as you watched the scene unfold. Their camaraderie and jesting reminded you of the Caliph's sons back home, when your father would take you to visit the palace.

One of the warriors, a bearded man with broad shoulders and a hearty laugh, clapped the monk on the back.

"Come now, Osferth," he said between chuckles, "surely your devotion to the Lord could use a bit of levity now and then."

The monk, Osferth, grinned in response, "Aye Finan, it is said that laughter is the best medicine, is it not?"

The other warrior, a lean and quick-witted fellow, joined in with a jest, "Well, if that's the case, Osferth, then Finan here will live to be a hundred and you shall die tomorrow!"

Osferth elbowed the tall man in the ribs, "Not before I knock some sense into you Sihtric."

Their jovial banter and good-natured teasing continued, creating a lively atmosphere in the serene garden. You couldn't help but be amused by their antics and the familiarity of their interactions, watching them for quite some time.

The trio of men eventually noticed your presence, and with their laughter dying down, they made their way over to you. As they approached, their expressions revealed a mixture of curiosity and surprise.

The broad-shouldered warrior, Finan, whose eyes twinkled with mischief, was the first to speak. "Well, what have we here?" he said with a grin. "A traveller from foreign shores, I presume?"

"Yes, I am from Baghdad, my lord."

The warrior, clearly taken with you, couldn't resist a flirtatious remark.

"Lady, I must say, you are a wondrous addition to our English garden."

You snorted at his attempt at flirtation.

Meanwhile, the monk with the leather breastplate maintained a more respectful demeanour.

"Greetings, lady, I am Osferth," he said with a nod. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. May I ask what brings you to our humble Wessex?"

You found the monk's polite curiosity quite refreshing.

"Greetings to you too, Osferth. I've come to further my studies here. Wessex has much to offer in terms of knowledge and history, and I hope to make the most of it."

"Well, my lady, if ever you wish to explore our English shores, I'd be delighted to be your guide," it was Finan who spoke again and you could not help but laugh at his words.

"Thank you, kind sir. Your offer is most gracious."

“Call me Finan, my lady.”

Your change continued as they asked more about you and your hometown and you asked about theirs. You found out that they were a band of warriors who followed some fellow named Uhtred, the very same Uhtred who was currently speaking to King Alfred. As the conversation flowed, you discovered that you enjoyed speaking with these men. Their witty banter and friendly demeanour made you feel at ease, despite the foreignness of your surroundings. You shared stories of your travels, your scholarly pursuits, and the cultural nuances of your homeland. The men, in turn, regaled you with tales of their own adventures.

As you continued to engage in playful banter with the warriors, you remained oblivious to the presence of King Alfred and Uhtred, who had ventured outside and were observing the lively exchange.

Eventually, with a confident stride, Uhtred made his way toward your group to make his introduction and Father Beocca approached the king with his concerns.

"Your Majesty," he began cautiously, "I must admit, I have reservations about entrusting your treatment to a foreigner, especially one from so distant a land. We must be cautious of witchcraft and unfamiliar practices."

King Alfred turned to Father Beocca, his expression thoughtful but resolute, "Father Beocca, I understand your concerns, but the lady is no ordinary foreigner. She hails from Baghdad, a city known for its innovative medical advancements and a center of learning in the Islamic world. She comes as one of their finest scholars, sent by the Caliph himself."

"I see, your grace."

"I have read extensively about the great Islamic civilization, and its contributions to science, medicine, and philosophy. I believe we have much to learn from her, not only about medicine but also about fostering understanding and collaboration between our cultures. They have succeeded in uniting several lands under one caliphate, so perhaps we might learn how we may unite England as well."

Father Beocca, though still cautious, nodded in understanding, "Your Majesty, I trust your judgment. It is my fervent hope that the lady's presence here will indeed lead to beneficial knowledge and that she will uphold the values of wisdom and compassion."

"Thank you, Father Beocca. Let us have faith in this unique opportunity for cultural exchange and enlightenment. Her presence is a bridge between worlds, and I believe it is a path toward a brighter future for Wessex."

Over the course of the next few months, you became familiar with the routines of the Wessex palace. King Alfred allowed you to shadow him throughout his day, believing that you could provide valuable insights into his own activities. It was a decision that would lead to a profound connection between the two of you.

Every day, you diligently prepared poultices and medications for the king’s ailments, and often you’d recite the recipe to him and explain the purpose of each herb and plant that went into it. He found that he trusted you completely but he was still comforted by your transparency and the efforts you took to explain things to him. Sometimes he would insist on accompanying you on walks and you would point out the various native English plants and their counterparts back home. You also documented the king's activities and observations in your notebook. At times, he would request to see your notebook, often just to admire the beauty of your script. He marvelled at the graceful lines of your writing, and the intricate calligraphy that adorned the pages.

Your interactions went beyond the formalities of your initial meeting. King Alfred, always eager to learn, would occasionally ask you to translate certain passages from your native language and over time, your bond grew stronger. King Alfred began to look forward to each day, eager to see your bright and colourful veil, a striking contrast to your plain English gowns. He would wonder which hue you would choose, and it became a delightful anticipation in his daily routine.

Your conversations transcended the realm of duty and scholarly pursuits. The two of you shared your favourite books, discussing the nuances of various works and debating the merits of different translations. Your insights challenged Alfred's own understanding, and he cherished these moments of intellectual stimulation.

As the days turned into weeks and then months, Alfred realized that you had become an important fixture in his life. your presence was a source of inspiration, a reminder of the power of knowledge, and a testament to the potential for understanding and collaboration between different cultures.

He found himself thinking of you when he was apart from you, reminiscing about how your eyes would dance with mirth as you argued with him about the inaccuracies of translated works, or how your laughter would fill the palace corridors. You had not only enriched his pursuit of knowledge but had also touched his heart, becoming a cherished friend and confidante in the process.

Alfred could still vividly recall the way you had looked at him with genuine wonder and appreciation when he had shown you his humble library. He knew that compared to the great libraries of Alexandria and Baghdad, his collection was modest, but you had delighted in it all the same. Your eyes, filled with curiosity and admiration, had swept over the numerous scrolls and manuscripts, taking in the wealth of knowledge contained within those walls.

In that moment, as you softly murmured your thanks, Alfred felt his breath catch. He was struck not only by the beauty of your physical presence but also by the grace with which you carried yourself and the genuine enthusiasm you displayed for learning. Your voice had a melodic quality that lingered in his memory. It was a voice that seemed to breathe life into the ancient texts that surrounded you and the king found himself quite enamoured with you. The two of you spent many a late night pouring over scrolls together, and although he always kept a respectful distance, Alfred found himself wanting to brush away the stray strands of hair that fell across your forehead, having escaped the tightly bound coil you usually kept your hair in.

Tonight was one such night as the dim light of the candle burned low, and after a lively discussion on herbal medicine, you had fallen asleep on one of the ancient manuscripts. Alfred, his mind still buzzing with the echoes of your conversation, fought against the pull of sleep. Instead, he watched you slumber, his heart filled with a mixture of admiration and tenderness.

In the soft candlelight of the library, you appeared even more enchanting. Your thick eyelashes brushed against your cheeks as you slept peacefully, your features serene. Your form rose and fell with each gentle breath, a rhythmic reminder of the tranquil cadence of sleep. Alfred couldn't help but be captivated by your beauty in this unburdened state. The play of shadows and light highlighted the delicate contours of your face, and the soft glow of the manuscripts around you lent an almost ethereal quality to the scene. You looked like a vision from a dream.

As he watched your slumber, a sudden, unexpected urge welled up within him. He was struck by the temptation to lean in and kiss you, but he quickly banished the traitorous thought. What an absurd thing for a king to do, to force his affections on a guest in his home. Especially when he had no way of knowing if you returned his feelings. He would have to content himself with the simple act of watching you sleep, his heart filled with a deep and unspoken longing.

He also found himself wondering if you were betrothed, for you couldn’t possibly be married and still be here. What man would not accompany you or let you out of his sight if you were his wife? Although you had discussed many things, you did not stray close to personal topics such as family. You were only a few years younger than him and surely you had to have someone in your life. And even if you didn’t, what could you possibly want with an ailing man like him when a woman as accomplished as you could have anyone in the world?

Such melancholy things plagued him as he eventually drifted asleep on the table across from you, his final thoughts fixating on what it might feel like to have your lips against his. 

[notesfortherapy]

i think the worst part of fibro has got to be the first year or so after diagnosis. Before diagnosis you have the hope that it's something curable, or something that you can treat with medication that will make the pain evapourate. After diagnosis you're just kind of left to sit with this label and even though your doc is all big smiles and "you'll get better if you just believe" well...most of us are smart enough, and in enough pain to understand this isnt something you can happy thought your way out of.

But I will say... I'm almost a year on from my official diagnosis now and...well... I am doing better. i'm far from cured, I'm always in some level of background pain, and on my worst days its a fight to see through the fog, which is far worse than when my symptoms started.

But, I know the beast Im dealing with now.

I know for me my pain is tied heavily to my hormonal cycle (thank you prostaglandins). I know that for most of a month, 2 rounds of ibruprofen a day are enough to keep the pain in check (fuck you prostaglandins), but not enough to give me a bad stomach. I know that I have to try to walk a few times a week, and that if I end up ill in bed for weeks, i will need to build my stamina back up or i'll suffer for it. I know that when I do get sick, my body will hurt like a motherf**ker, whether it's the flu or a sniffle. I know that I can't be in the office for more than 3 days a week. I know sleep is REALLY IMPORTANT, and that somedays I will need podcasts and somedays I will need earplugs, but either way, I should aim to passout before midnight every night. And I know that the pain will come and the pain will go and I'll work with it. Sometimes it'll be sad because I might have to cancel or rearrange something. Othertimes, I'll be shocked that I managed to stand on my feet for 4 hours and still had energy to smile.

I guess what I'm saying is, the fibro might improve, but you WILL improve at living with it. You get to know you're pain, and eventually it's like living with a slightly annoying roomate who's always got the music up just a little too loud.

Ah f*ck now I need to name it.

[saffronstoats]

please read!

pinning this until i get info on if people would read it because I actually want to make it so bad... my profile will be back later

gang i have a rw au idea [ shocker ]

inv infection thang. inv starts appearing everywhere and eventually starts basically weirdmageddon. all the guys have to team up to beat it [ umm during the great migration because i want gourm and crew to have to like. have a cool scene idk i have a really cool thing planned in my head

all the scugs will be in it. yes, truly all of them: even both nightcat and inv. yes even survivor and monk's unnamed sibling. yes even monk and survivor's parents. yes literally every scug featured in gourmand's outro scene. and more

what do yall think and what should i call it

it may be invenot based but it's not a crappost

past the keep reading is more details. i lot more. i rambled whoops

inv is less "haha dating sim" and more "im gonna ruin your life :) in the funkiest way possible! *does a skateboard trick and opens a pocket dimension*" "*puts on shades and suddenly reality is distorted* heheha!"

inv closes off the void sea ( probably pre story events or hunter would have already ascended ) so hunter surv and monk all are just like having to team up. surv monk happy family scene and hunter saving them from an inv clone or domething. yk the cool one in zombie apocalypse movies

monk and survivor are basically kids. again this is migration. so hunter is like their stepdad [ genderneutral ]

hunter cycles ending ( trying to avoid spoilers ) is probably inevitable. they might be able to meet pebbles to get it extended but I still don't think hunter will make the entire thing because there's no way this thing is >25 cycles long. sorry hunter ( you will be missed dearly /gen )

thought it would be sick if arti appeared too so i had to. extend her lifespan. also shes huge like. 2x normal scug size

spearmaster is genetically modified to be a messenger for who knows how long suns intended it to be so thankfully i dont think it's as much as a stretch that they're alive

saint is an eldritch being so they could probably mess some stuff up too

dont really. see how in the world rivulet could fit timeline wise ill be honest. they are literally the only one left out. ill have inv bring them in through a pocket dimension or something because otherwise there would be no ruffles and that would be sad

forgot to mention this but having so many attack oriented slugs just being the main cast without being together doesnt make much sense. so spear and arti are a team but they dont really get along or talk to each other much and also theres no firecracker sorry guys

ill probably be generally avoiding ships in this comic besides maybe some like enot shenanigans?? but i don't think ill really do much of that either because this isnt romance this is a bunch of rodents fighting a choatic rodent glitch god

the iterators exist too. tell me whether you want them off the strings or not. ill give you examples of what happens on either side starring suns

off strings: spearmaster and suns are the duo of all time and artificier is there too. she dragged pebbles along but he doesnt want to be any part of this

on strings: suns videocalls spearmaster a lot and cheers whenever they make a slight achievement

nightcat/watcher is probably gonna be part of the colony. theyre the scout

moon and sig will also definely be there, potentially innocence and wind too if yall want them. also maybe more itties idk. we'll see

rip sliver. because its your average timeline mostly sliver is dead ( rip )

all of the iterators if off the strings are actually terrible at combat and they cannot parkour so that would allow some funny moments. funny pebbles cannot jump to save his life or encouraging wholesome suns which do yall prefer

i find it funny how half the scugs are the cool one and then theres survivor monk riv and watcher. and then theres the iterators who are even more pathetic [ silly ]

sofanthiel's nickname will constantly change highlighting their chaotic nature. one panel they're enot then they're inv then they're paincat then they're sofanthiel then they're gorbo then they're blueberrycat- you get it

actually ill use a random number generator every time their name pops up. this is minimal priority but suggest enot nicknames.

current ones are: enot, inv, sofanthiel, paincat, thanksandrew, thanks andrew ( with a space ), gorbo, blueberrycat, ???, invenot ( one word )

if i make it i'll turn on scheduled posting for it and make sure to actually like. link throughout on like next previous first. if I have anything to say or elaborate ill post it in the comments

it would also be in a genuine artstyle instead of my little 10 minute lineless thangs. id line it and give backgrounds and stuff except maybe on April fools day

anyways yeah, what do yall think?

again what do i name it because i want to call it something cooler than enotpocalypse

[quodekash]

guys jokezo just made out and now they have to share a bed together. just chew on that for a bit.

NO, DON'T GIVE ME THEM SITTING ON A BUS

GIVE ME WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY HAD TO SLEEP IN THE SAME FREAKING BED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY MADE OUT

👀

(they made out last night btw)

(just in case anyone forgot)

(and then they had to share a bed)

ass x7

also zo is fully just not doing anything lmao

everyone's pushing with all their might and zo is just 🧍‍♂️

FUIWEBSDGIOUVEWJBOGD

oh the desperate thigh grab

yeah, im with him on this, they need to talk about it. especially about how they had to slEEP IN THE SAME FREAKING BED AFTER THAT

welp. I guess joke's day was just ruined in a slap to the face disguised as a few words

AND THE WAY HE TAKES HIS HAND OFF ZO'S THIGH AFTER THAT????? OUCHHHH

I must say tho, this is really giving episode-6-of-bad-buddy

its very patpran-post-rooftop-kiss-core

the vibes be gay and yearning and very very sad

OKAY, THE MOTHER, FINALLY

a few things to say about her

1. she's gorgeous

2. DAMN she is SHORT

3. I was rewatching the first four episodes yesterday and today because I could, and I noticed in the first episode, zo asked his friends to not tag him in photos they took at the bar, because "I don't want my mum to see"

but my question is... why? he's just out drinking with friends, he's an adult, he's not being irresponsible or anything, so why doesn't he want her to see the photos?

is it something to do with what his mum thinks of him? is she overbearing? does she have high expectations of him? does she kinda suck?

she's probably lovely though, and ill end up adding her to my list-of-fictional-parents-to-get-adopted-by (it's a very long list)

I guess we shall find out today as the episode progresses

oh, honey, you're so queer

the amount of times ive done exactly this

she's so short its hilarious omg

also: ive decided I love his mum

she's so sweet

and neither of them know how to use a stove and I think that's so hilarious and endearing

HSDHSHFSHDHHS

(also: this scene is making me think of akkayan at aye's house having a meal with his mum and rhbgdhjgb)

he's putting two and two together

the few braincells he has that aren't dedicated to debating are whirring in his mind

I can practically hear his thoughts

"he kissed me back... he wants to talk about the kiss... we went on two dates together at his suggestion... he showed up at my house and charmed my mother... he says I have secret admirers..." cmon sweetie youre so close

"WAIT, DOES HE LIKE ME?" omg honeybun you did it!

or maybe he didn't do it

maybe he was still shuffling the pieces in his brain but hadn't put them together and then his mum said something and distracted him

either way: that was hilarious and I want to high five dunk for his acting there

HIGH EXPECTATIONS, I KNEW IT

still love her tho

high expectations suck but she seems wonderful so far (obviously my opinion will change if the circumstances do (like if it turns out she completely sucks) but for now she's made it to the adoption list)

brb, gonna go cry real quick

well now their thumbs are making out

you see, I understand the things he's saying. and I honestly agree with him. if I were ever somehow put in his position, id probably say the same things.

HOWEVER, I just want my bl boys to kiss again and be happy and together and I appreciate the realism over the usual fantasy kinda situation we go for in bls, but I just want them to kissssss

this is very good advice

I hope that jokezo kiss again this episode

also AAAGBRDHFKBG JENGPOK CRUMBS

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S LOSING THEIR MIND OVER JENGPOK AGAIN

BERIUFDJKGBEORPVFD

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

SHUT UP

SHUT UP SHUT UP

IM NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

FHEWSDGFVESDV

THIS IS TOO FUNNY

im gonna start crying soon

its so funny

help me

girl is worried

I know this is what jeng told you to do but is during debate club really the right moment

im so certain that she ships it

awwhhhhh

HE SAID IT

HE SAID THE THING

AAAAAAAAA

hell yeah

GOUERJLHDGOBIERVLDNF

AAAAAAAAAAA

IM SCREAMING

THATS IT??

THAT'S THE END OF THE EPISODE??

THEY DIDNT EVEN KISS

OR ADDRESS THE FACT THAT - and I can't stress this enough - THEY SLEPT IN THE SAME FREAKING BED AFTER FULL-ASS MAKING OUT

omg next episode is gonna be amazing

I can't wait

gekjrdsbfd I love them so much

im like 70% certain they're gonna kiss next episode so fingers crossed

ALSO NITA DEFINITELY SHIPS IT

anyway. that was good. I should go to sleep now

[calumhoodgoss]

been listening to rebel at heart thinking about how it yes it’s 100% a ashton song but could be a calum song yk? and insomnia gives way to some lite psychoanalysis and I was thinking, calum has this lovely quietly unhinged, rebellious even, personality and it makes sense he tends to be drawn to people with kinda unhinged personalities too or at least those who are boldly themselves and that’s not quite the path of what they’re ‘supposed to’ be. but also how sad it is whenever a louder personality drowns him out because he’s truly got so much to give and he does give it but he is quiet too and it’s like, you’ve gotta not steal his spotlight. not think because he’s on the quiet side he’s got nothing to say or express because he absolutely does. it’s such a sweet combination but it must be so hard to fit the bill of someone who works there really well. all the band members do in their own ways I guess and I do think that’s a big part of what makes 5sos so successful—and especially if ashton did in any part write rebel at heart for him (I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter, but it absolutely describes calum and I can never unsee that). but in terms of a partner. I just hope whatever happens whether brandy does end up learning how to be that for him and they do end up being together in the future or he keeps looking, that he finds someone who’s just the right balance for him. I can see how that would be hard though for a lot of reasons but he absolutely does deserve that and I just hope we can talk about and appreciate this and really see him for who he is yk? idk if this is the style of ask you like but I just wanted to say hopefully nice things about calum

oooo i actually havent had a chance to listen to blood on the drums yet! but you bet your ass ill be running to do that after readimg this!

i just quickly read over the lyrics and i can totally see how you see cal in them. if he didnt help write them then i feel like he would at the very least relate to them for sure. i 100% agree with you on that one, hes definitely quiter but not less expressive.

and i agree! i hope either brandy can be that balance for him or i hope he can find someone who will be. i have my reservations about brandy (and for those reasons i dont think theyll work out) but at the end of the day whoever makes him happy is the best one for him. he just deserves someone who inspires him and also understands him and his timing and expression, whoever that might be!

its just exciting to see him be more interactive and present online again - whether thatd because of a breakup or because hes getting ready to do some kind of promo, whatever it is we LOVE to see him being himself again

ALSO

this blog is all just speculation and ive specifically chosen tumblr to express all my thoughts cause the chance of the boys or anyone they know ever actually coming across this are so so so low. im more here just to talk about all the things i think about with people who understand and are interested and dont have people in the real world to speculate with either 😊

- not that you implied anything i just thought this was fitting to add 😇

[twig-tea]

My Universe Round-Up

This was a series of 2-part short stories, essentially each the length of a movie but they're more episodic which makes it an interesting format to get a wide variety of actors, directors, stories, and tones. And all of these vary widely. Most of the actors are very green, which means the performance quality falls all along the spectrum, but overall emotions often fall flat. There are a handful of different directors too (each directs a few of the stories), so these really feel different. The only two things that don't vary are the production quality (middling; sometimes some decent camera shots, but few sets and extras, sound is sometimes shirt-muffled or otherwise messed, the usual hilarity of royalty-free music choices) and awkward subtitles.

The subtitles deserve their own paragraph because I think they're potentially the worst kind, in that they look fine but then every once in awhile the translation is the opposite of what it should be. Having a bit of Thai knowledge and experience with Thai pulps really helps navigate these.

The other thing to say about the structure of this series is that there is a neat thing where each story sets up the next with either a character appearing in the next one or having been mentioned in the previous one. So they're all in the same universe but are otherwise unrelated. Sometimes you can guess whose story you'll get next (like a side character), sometimes it's a real stretch (like the waiter at the noodle place the characters ate at once).

As a really brief summary of what these are actually like in terms of narrative, they took as many tropes as they could think of and then treated them seriously. It could have been interesting, if they had something to say, but I'm really not sure they did. There are a lot of difficult circumstances covered, sometimes with hope, sometimes with nihilism, and it often feels like the story is about the characters around those who are dealing with difficult circumstances rather than those who are experiencing it themselves. Honestly this felt like a film school project about trying out difficult tropes, rather than folks with something to say about a specific topic.

Tropes [note, almost all of these are a dark/sad version of these tropes and end sadly or open]: bodyswap, mistaken identity, in-love-with-your-sibling's-friend, destined lovers, enemies-to-lovers, love triangle, coach/athlete, fake-date-turns-real, twincest, age gap, paid companionship, terminal illness.

Warnings for this series overall: murder, attempted sexual assault (in multiple miniseries), incest (only very lightly speculated about), ambiguous relationship with a minor, cheating, intimate personal violence, death of parents, death of a partner

If you're going to try any of them, I'd recommend episodes 5-6, which were the story Right Time, Right You as a starting point--it has some of the better acting, an open ending, but still some of the dark themes (treated not as dark as some of the other segments) so it's a good litmus for if you should try any of the other parts out.

The one I most enjoyed watching was episodes 7-8 You Are My So(ul) Mate which unsurprisingly had actors who have acted before, and was one of the rare happy endings. The last one, I Wish You Love episodes 23-24 was maybe the best done overall (least annoying flashbacks for sure, decent pacing in the romance, comparatively decent acting) but warnings for the ending.

Details of each 2-part miniseries with rating and specific warnings beneath the cut for anyone still curious about any of these stories! My goal here is to give you enough info to watch whichever ones might interest you so I do spoil twists below when I think it's important to help people decide whether to watch. Feel free to ask questions if you're still not sure or have specific things you want to avoid.

Ep 1-2: Casanova Begins

4/10: Not recommended unless you like bodyswap

This plot was doomed to never fly with me; a dead lover tries to seduce the man he left behind in the body of the man he thought his lover was going to cheat on him with. I love supernatural stuff but bodyswap is a hard hill to climb and 2 episodes just isn't enough time to do it well. That being said, the actors did surprisingly well in the scene where all is revealed and they're saying goodbye. There's a stinger, and it did NOT work for me--people are not interchangeable.

Ep 3-4: Marry Go Round

6/10: Decent pulp with a good underlying message, but you have to not mind slapstick

I like the way one side character from the previous series brings us into the next, it's a neat way to tie these otherwise unrelated stories together. For a slapstick comedy of errors, this worked surprisingly well. The misunderstandings are well set up and make sense, characters have motivation for continuing the shenanigans and the continual additional complications build to absurdity but it all holds together in a very slapstick comedy way. Mei being willing to marry her friend's boyfriend to help keep their secret is top tier allyship. I wish the fujoshi had been chewed out more; she was invested in exposing them as a couple for her own curiosity/excitement and that's gross, and I don't like that she got any credit for their happiness. The mom being a secret fujoshi herself [and, it's implied, very ok with their relationship as a result] was a little on the nose lol The performances in this one were a little weak on the comedy; slapstick like this isn't easy to do well and the comedy suffers from this not being these actors' strengths. All that being said, the underlying message that marriage equality is the right thing and having to stay in the closet causes so much strife for everyone is one I can get behind.

Ep 5-6: Right Time, Right You

7/10: Decent plot, acting, themes. A bit rushed, but good pulp. Warnings for references to intimate partner violence. Ambiguous ending.

I enjoyed this one; I love the in-love-with-your-sibling's-friend trope, I love smiling-to-hide-pain, and I love pining. I love the complicated feelings around not being ready to let go of the love you have for someone even if they hurt you. I love wanting to do something for your friend because you see them hurting, and not knowing what will help. I love your sibling and best friend always being able to read you and ferret out your secrets. The framing in this one was interesting, there were a lot of on the nose imagery with the fence, the rope, the cigarettes. I really liked the dynamic between these characters, Mhok really felt like a younger sibling; a little willful, pouting when he is ignored, or not taken seriously, stealing his sister's breakfast, tagging along. And the ending was sweet. It's clear that Phat feels something, though he's been explicit that he's not ready to open up to anyone. And we basically end with very tenuous possibility. Not for anyone who is not ok with ambiguous endings.

Ep 7-8: You Are My So(ul) Mate

6/10: Fun trope-y pulp. Again you have to be ok with slapstick comedy, and I docked this one for internal inconsistencies but the chemistry was on point.

Ahhh one of my favourite romance tropes, dreaming of your destined person before you meet, and then experiencing the dream in reality! I appreciated that Butr's mom really did have a gift, and that he didn't believe and wrestled with the ethics of that. I also really liked that they tried to engineer a coincidence and had one anyway; I'm a sucker for magic/fate is what you make it. The actor playing Butr looks like a Footloose-era Kevin Bacon when he smiles while ducking his head, and the other lead is from My Cuisine, so I was pre-disposed to find them extremely cute. I do love shy4shy. That being said, a lot of the melodrama was around coincidence, and it was clear the overeager senior was just scouring campus for the guy, so there was a double-standard with the "coincidence" that would work (at least in the eyes of the protagonist) so a lot of it doesn't really hold together if you think about it very hard.

Episode 9-10: Lucky Love

5/10: rough especially with the language gap, but the leads have an interesting dynamic

Content warning for an attempted asault in this one. Annoyed-strangers-to-lovers where one guy has just broken up and is drunk and belligerent about it, and the other is not taking his shit. I really like Jeng as this taciturn dude who shows caring through food. The ex is still around, Meen is still clearly not over him, and goes through the stages of learning to prioritize his own feelings and truly let Noll go. Jeng talks mostly in innuendo, which paired with the bad subs (bad enough that sometimes they say the opposite of what's meant) means that a lot of this one is lost in translation. Because of the short runtime and the amount of time Meen spends getting over his ex, they can't get far, but the show gives the sense that they'll just keep on as they've been going. All that being said, Meen wears dangly earrings and has a femme best friend who is fantastic, and I am a simple person who enjoys her simple pleasures, so I actually didn't mind watching this one.

11-12: The Camp Fire

4/10: really disliked the twists in this; the horror was ok. Warnings for blood, ghosts, references to drowning, on-screen death.

Content warning for blood, ghosts, death (more details follow). Horror BL starring Kaonah and Turbo. Two guys who have been chatting online agree to meet in person but it turns out they already know and dislike one another; now they're stuck toughing it out at the campsite rather than let the other chase them home. Turns out this is a classic BL love triangle wherein one of the boys thought they were competing for the same girl, but his "rival" loved him the whole time (this is not the twist, it's fairly obvious). And that was my first frustration; Talay was unwilling to admit any kind of feelings for Camp even though Camp tries to reach out, even though he's clearly been in love the whole time and now has the excuse of their anonymous conversation and meeting. But then we get into the real spoilers, with the double-twist that honestly ruined this for me. First, it's revealed that June the girl who Camp loved is dead, and she died after being rejected by Talay (implying she killed herself) after Talay pretended to be into June so that she would not take up Camp's offer to be together. This made me really not want to root for this couple at all, Talay's character is awful at this point. Then Camp hears this story and decides to admit he likes Talay anyway, which felt extremely rushed if not absurd, and then June haunts them in earnest and snaps Camp's neck on screen. And then in a second twist, we find out we've been watching a film within a film the whole time, and Talay and Camp just met for the first time for filming this and have just started dating in real life. But we spend so little time with the "real" Talay and Camp that I wasn't invested in them at all as a pair.

13-14 Friends Forever

4/10 friendship in this is great but upsetting on the romance front, and the actual execution was rough and full of unnecessary flashbacks; content warning for coach/athlete, unnegotiated kink (slapping during intimacy), dubious consent (for the slap not the intimacy), murder (not shown on screen), and ghosts

So spoiler based on the content warning, this is a story about a coach who seduces one of his athletes and then murders him so that the athlete won't expose their relationship and get him fired. The sexy scene is consensual but the coach introduces pain without any context or consent, and it's just kind of shrugged off. The coach is creepy from jump so I enjoyed none of the couple's scenes. Beyond that, my issues with this were the massive use of flashbacks in a 2-episode short. They basically re-showed ep1 in ep2. The acting is ok, and the friendship (which is the actual story) between the guy who is murdered and his team is extremely cute, it was heartening how much this team supported their teammate dating the coach and how much they missed him and cherished his memory after his death. But this could have been one episode, or they needed something more to do.

15-16 Fake Love

4/10 flat acting and more flashbacks than actual new shots (half of ep 15 is a flashback of the other half of ep 15, and then we get it AGAIN in ep 16).

In this story a university student is trying to show up his pushy ex by blackmailing a campus 'prince' to pretend to date him. He finds out that his fake boyfriend used to have sex with his ex, and gets upset. They make out and then avoid one another. Fake boyfriend gets beat up and they reunite and admit they both lie to protect their reputations. There's an implication that Pol was being judged for being slutty and Peem was being judged for being poor, which I would have liked as a theme if they then hadn't undermined this by framing Pol as being "good now" at the end. Open but tentatively happy ending.

17-18 Pisces of You

3/10 WHY IS THIS SO DARK DANG. TW attempted sexual assault, blackmail, speculation about incest (really mild),

Ok so this is about twins being jealous and confused about their feelings; Mild is here and he sexually assaulted one of them (idk how young these actors are but this was hard to watch though he doesn't get far). I don't mind what they're doing around twins pulling apart, falling for other people and putting them first, being confused about their feelings, throwing away their future for an unrequited love (this is actually super realistic), regretting their decisions. But goddamn that was painful AF and these baby actors really struggled to actually deliver on these difficult and complex emotions.

19-20 1626

6/10 decent short story but barely a romance. Warnings for age gap.

Follows one of the twins' love interests from Pisces of You; we find out why he wasn't interested in the twin, it's because he has his own love interest in his former tutor 8 years older than him (16 and 24). For what could have been a really cringe story, this was handled relatively well. They were careful that these two characters barely touched, and made the feelings between them very ambiguous and confused. The ties between them were very confused too; they both had family trauma and had helped one another to the point where desire and debt seemed to be inextricably mixed up. I appreciated the choices made in this one. Again, not what I would consider a "romance" story per se. And again, the ending is ambiguous.

21-22 Refund Love

2/10 incomprehensible, terrible acting, terrible plot, zero chemistry, infidelity, manipulation, and weird unclear moralizing around a thinly veiled allusion to sex work

This one, I don't even know what to say. It's trying to be clever with the way it parcels out information, but it ends up being just frustrating and, in the end, nonsensical. I won't even try to avoid spoilers or fake impartiality here, because I really think nobody should watch this one. This is all about jealousy of your significant other taking a job as a "companion" for other people. There's lying, manipulation, and attempted fake relationships for jealousy purposes. I'm sad because this also has a side GL couple, but they made no sense. This couple claimed to have orchestrated their boyfriends deciding to spy on them together (how?) in order to....see if they cared enough to fight for them, after one had already broken up with her man and the other was going to? What in the world was the endgame?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. Anyway they really shoehorned in a relationship in this one with two guys--one of whom just broke up, the other who is thinking about whether or not to break up, and who spent only one day together, most of which under false pretenses--and I didn't buy a second of it.

23-24 I Wish You Love

5/10 big themes, decently handled to a point, but the story was about how helping the terminally ill character helped the abled character find purpose, and that sat wrong with me. Warnings for discussions of terminal illness and character death (not shown onscreen), as well as loss of parents.

This episode was set up as a ghost in the mirror story, but the supernatural element disappears pretty quickly and is actually just an excuse to bring together the two main characters (who knew each other before but one thought the other was dead) back together. This story is trying to deal with the very serious issue of chronic illness and what it's like being young and unable to do the things other people do, and the suicidal ideation that can come from being isolated and having a limited time left anyway, as well as the regrets about missed opportunities. It was also dealing with the sometimes awkward feeling of sorting out the love of friendship and the love of romance, and transitioning from P'-Nong to Faen, especially with the additional fear of loving someone when one of you has limited time. The supernatural element comes back at the end to grant one wish, and to give the character who is sick a chance to undo one regret. It's implied Marwin died, but we don't really see him process having completed their bucket list, instead we get Pond reflecting on what he'll do next and how this experience has given him meaning. This episode had fewer egregious flashbacks than the other episodes, and better acting (one of the main characters is actually one of the series directors, and the other is Winner aka Wai from My Dear Gangsta Oppa, as well as War of Y and Nitiman), but did also use an instrumental auld lang syne in the background of a dramatic scene that was distracting, and some awkward we-don't-have-budget-for-an-actual-ambulance-or-emergency-personnel moments. Overall it was one of the better offerings from this series but I wasn't thrilled with how it made the terminally ill character's death a teachable moment for the one left behind, even though that was honestly flagged as the point throughout the two episodes, so is maybe my hang-up and a little unfair. At least this series framed that it was about Pond the whole time (we start and end with him).

[moonlightpeddler]

I want to apologise first. This might be longer or rambling. Maybe both.

My mam is stable, I just talked to her attending doctor, there are still a lot of tests that needs doing but they have a general idea. It's nothing that's endangering her life right now.

I've visited her on Sunday, I wasn't sure if I should even go because I was doing badly, mentally, and physically, but didn't want to worry her.

I'll be completely honest; I'm running on sheer willpower alone. I can feel my body and mind breaking down.

I've said before that I'm ill myself, physically and mentally, both severely. That I'm alive is a miracle that I've always been thankful for, it has been a narrow escape several times.

My life has been nothing but an unfortunate tragedy. I'd like to say that it made me extremely resilient, and maybe that really is the case in some special, sad way.

People think resilience means being unshakable, incredibly strong, but the truth is, beyond a certain level, resilience just means that you can't give up even if you'd want to. It's quite formidable, really.

I used to have an older brother. Relationships between siblings are rarely perfect, especially brothers don't always see eye to eye, but no matter how rocky it was, I knew he always had my back. He died very suddenly two years ago, it was by far one of the worst days of my life and the only time in my nearly 40 years on this planet that I cried in front of strangers.

He always hoped to see me realise my dreams, and I know he died with regrets no matter how often he told me that he has none. This game has been started because I wanted to see this dream of mine become a reality, show him that I've done it, and eliminate the possibility that I'd someday die with this specific regret.

Now I only have my mam left, there is no one else, no family, no friends. Being trapped at home really limits your ability to make connections, and the older you get, more and more family members will go into the unknown.

My mam will have to stay hospitalised for quite a while, there's just so much wrong with her, and the degree of which she can recover is unknown.

They have found a 2cm big tumour in her lungs. A biopsy will be done tomorrow, to see if it's benign or cancer. If it is cancer, chances should be rather good because it's small and likely hasn't spread anywhere.

Still.

All of this has taken a bad toil on me. I don't know how I'm even hanging on, just that I somehow do.

It should be clear where this is going.

The game will be on indefinite hiatus.

No one ever said that life will be easy, happy, or comfortable.

It's us humans who think it should be like this, but nature has never been either, existence has always been pain and suffering. We as a species have made it so far because we are incredibly resilient and adaptable, able to change with the circumstances, flexible in mind and strong in will.

My will is needed more in other places.

I have a personal credo, if you want to call it that. "I will fight until the very end". I've survived so much, have seen the darkest night and took only hasty glances at the day, but life is still wonderful. We live in a beautiful world that I'd like to observe some more, with all its sadness, hardship, and small moments of happiness.

Maybe I've waited too long to start this game, maybe the time for this dream has run out long ago without me noticing and I've been chasing shadows all along. Maybe there will be a second chance, or it was never meant to be.

Time will tell, like it always does.

Now I have to turn back towards my little family, and myself, to make the best of what was given to me.

Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and showing me another splendid aspect of life, your kindness has brought me boundless joy.

Let's meet again, if circumstances permit.

-Moonlight Peddler

[dreamy-baku]

Breaking down Squares’ Character

Thanks to @manofmanymons for the idea!

So for starters, I made old research posts about Squares that you can check out if you want some research related information. But this is goin* to be about his character as seen in Puyo Puyo Tetris.

Breakdown under the cut!

So, for starters. When Squares first shows up in the story in around chapter 5. He merely asks Marle if she was still battling and keeping “fun”. He seemed to have no ill intentions. Which is a little strange. But, the heroes described him as being a villain to which Marle explains he wasn’t always that way.

The biggest part of the story, the exact ending of chapter 6 leading into chapter 7 is when we learn of his plan to erase everyone, but it seemed it only got that plan AFTER Marle said the people where her friends.

Then, during chapter 7, Squares on multiple occasions flipped between being “bad” and “innocent”. He threatened the heroes multiple times, but also occasionally mentioned that he was basically doing everything for his sister Marle.

He tried to keep attention off of Marle because he knew she’d tell them everything, which is why he stripped her of her memories when he “brainwashed” her. He didn’t want his plan to make Marle “love him again” to be ruined.

It becomes obvious later, in the EX chapter, that Squares became upset that Marle focused to much on the worlds. His emotional outburst that we seen in the game was because he was upset that Marle wasn’t giving him attention.

Marle also mentioned that she “forgot he was basically an infant”, most likely referring to a little bit before he “brainwashed” her shortly before PPT2 happens, as that’s when Squares needed her most. And that’s when she wasn’t there to help him.

Squares shown on multiple occasions he was still very young, and that he wasn’t truly evil, he was just misunderstood and immature that he didn’t know better. (And Marle HAD THE POWER to stop him from “brainwashing” her, so why didn’t she? Maybe she wanted it to happen?)

But, Squares’ “innocence” was more subtle, as he was played off as the “bad guy” up until the very end. But, there were clues he wasn’t evil in the slightest.

Such as when the heroes where talking and then asked Squares what his heart truly wanted and all he could reply with was “Marle…” and when Ecolo shows up and says he’s a “spoiled brat who hates change”, and Squares’ genuine reaction was complete confusion.

The heroes later picked up on the fact that Squares is immature, he has a child-like innocence, as all he did was what he assumed he HAD TO DO.

Also, Squares’ outburst could have been from something a little deeper too. STRESS, he chose to help Marle watch over order when he was created, and he was so young and took up a responsibility FAR GREATER than Marle’s own. So when Marle stopped focusing on him and could no longer support him with his duty, he grew sad and stressed because he didn’t know what to truly do.

That can be logical, because, is it REALLY ORDERLY, by his definition, of NO ONE of the worlds existed? And would that really keep Marle happy with him either?

And, when they finally calmed him down, Squares said that “He’s going to go somewhere where he’d never bother any of them again”. Which honestly sounds very depressing, because what did he mean he’d do to himself? Was he threatening to end his life? (That line legit broke me when I heard him say it- o.o;)

And finally, he showed some maturity, as he fully apologized for his actions and even acknowledged that everything he done was caused by his inexperience and immaturity, and that an apology won’t fix everything.

At the end of the EX chapter, we see he grows more, learning how he can accept himself for his mistakes. But he’s still obviously guilty and seemingly depressed about what he did, and the pain he caused everyone.

But also, he could feel guilty and depressed over failing to properly uphold “order”. As he almost ruined both the worlds because Marle stopped giving him attention.

I would have provided images to support, but I didn’t have access to any but the one image at the start! If you have any comments, feel free to send me an ask or something!

[floralcavern]

Analyzing Madoka Magica and what can we take from it?

T/W for talks of suicide and self harm

What is the meaning of Puella Magi Madoka Magica about?

I think this is pretty obvious and most people have already figured it out. 

The show is meant to be an allegory for young girls being used and abused. But I feel like we can go even further into that. 

Let’s start with Kyubey. 

He is meant to symbolize predators. People who prey on young girls for their own dark and twisted wants and needs. 

He approaches young, very young girls who are in bad positions in their lives. He offers them a way to make things better, to help them, but is lying and purposely makes their lives worse. 

Kyubey is from a species called Incubators. They don’t feel emotion. Happiness, sadness, gratitude, jealousy.. it’s all foreign to them. In fact, it’s treated as a mental illness. (I like to think this is meant to represent young boys who are taught to block out all their emotions). 

But, the universe is dying out. The only way to save it is to give it a continuous power source. But how to do that?

Well, emotions give off a lot of power! But Incubators can’t feel emotion. So they can’t do that. But humans.. humans feel all kinds of things. The most common and strongest one being sadness and despair. And you know who feels those things more than anyone? Young girls. 

So Incubators purposefully prey on young girls, telling them they can be special and powerful. But they’re not special. Incubators do this to every young girl who are in bad situations in their lives. 

Kyoko’s family was starving and in poverty, Mami was on the verge of death, Sayaka was watching the boy she loved have to suffer. 

Of course they’re going to make a wish at these points in their lives. Either they were suffering, or they were watching the people they loved suffer. 

(I like to think that Kyubey is meant to symbolize Satan, as well. He appears alluring and approachable and offers things too good to be true, only to want to hurt you in the end. It would be extra interesting given that Kyoko’s dad was a priest)

They take girls with promising futures, who are just in bad situations within their own lives, and tells them that they can make it all better. But once they do, things, just get worse. 

Magical girls are destined to die. Destined to die in combat or fighting witches.

Witches are formed on a magical girl is at their lowest point, in the depths of despair. And whenever they’re killed, it releases a huge power source that keeps the universe going. I personally see this as symbolism for suicide. Feeling like things will only get better if you were gone and out of this world. That the universe will heal and be perfect if you just weren’t in it.

Now, Sayaka. 

She is probably the most interesting character to talk about, since she is the prime example of all of this.

She was a young girl, so full of life and joy. But she was sad. Sad because the boy she liked was suffering in the hospital with an incurable illness. 

But Kyubey showed up and told her he can help her. All she had to do was fight witches. 

And, eventually, she agreed. 

Things started off ok, but things went down fast. 

Mami’s death from beforehand, for sure, but the thing that really fucked her up was learning the truth about the soul gem. 

The soul gem is what given to magical girls once they agree to the contract. It’s what helps them transform and nothing else… right..?

No. 

Kyubey never told the girls that soul gems are literally their souls. He removed their souls from their body and put it into a different source, essentially meaning magical girls aren’t even people anymore. They’re not alive, they’re not living. That they can’t physically feel anything. 

This breaks Sayaka. How can she have the boy she loves when she’s not even human anymore? Does she even deserve him at that point? She can’t physically feel anything, not just spears and attacks, but also whether he were to kiss her or hold her. She would feel none of it. 

Sayaka is meant to be an allegory for self harm. 

“It’s true! I can block out the pain!”

“Just because you can feel anything doesn’t mean you can keep hurting yourself!”

Sayaka goes out of her way to put herself into dangerous situations and where she will get hurt, but since she can’t feel it because her soul isn’t in her body, she lets herself get hurt. In fact, she welcomes it. 

But then things go from bad to horrible to even worse when she learned the boy she loved was going to be with Hitomi. The boy she had literally sold her soul for wasn’t even in love with her. Then again, that wasn’t exactly what Sayaka wanted. She can’t feel physical things anymore. She’s not even human anymore. She doesn’t think she’s worthy to be with him. 

But what really pushes her over the edge is when she hears a group of guys trash talking their girlfriends. Sayaka had literally given up her entire life for a boy she loved. Now a group of guys were just out here saying girls aren’t worth shit. 

Sayaka no longer sees any point in trying to protect people. Is the world even worth protecting? Is the world even worth.. living in? And so she becomes a witch. 

Also, I love how Sayaka is often depicted with mermaids. If you know the original story of The Little Mermaid, then you know why. 

So, who’s the next person to talk about?

Madoka. 

Madoka sees how awful everything is. That young girls are used and abused by the Incubators? But what can she do?

She makes her wish. A wish that magical girls can’t and never have had to turn into witches. 

Madoka literally changes the fabric of the universe with this wish, changing it to where past magical girls have never turned into witches. She saves them from a cruel ending. A cruel fate where they’ll only end up being used. 

Madoka represents hope. 

Even in this new timeline, magical girls still exist and have to fight monsters. But.. why? Madoka changed the timeline. She changed the universe. Why, why, WHY? Why are the girls still forced to do this? To fight and be used by the Incubators. Sure, they no longer are destined to die in the end, but they are still being used by the Incubators. Why does it have to be so?

This is how I view it. 

It symbolizes that things will never be perfect. 

That no matter how sad, how tragic, how horrible it is that young girls will be used, it happens. 

We can’t put a stop to it all. We can’t halt the truth. 

But what we can do is help them. Help them avoid giving in to the despair and hopelessness. 

There will always be disgusting bastards out there who want to hurt young girls and use them to their advantage, but we can stand by them and help them to be hope within this world that isn’t beyond saving. 

Usually these types of shows will try to say that we can fix the world and make it entirely good and perfect. But Madoka Magica takes a realistic approach on it. We can’t make the world perfect, but we can heal it and the people in it. 

It’s bittersweet, but it’s beautiful. 

And that’s what I think Puella Magi Madoka Magica is about. 

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part four)

Since this is (finally) the last part of this essay and I've already previously mentioned what it will be about, I don't have an introduction to make, but I do think I need to give a couple disclaimers before getting right into this mess. First one: I have a lot of explaining to do because this gets medical again and I can't just assume you all know exactly what I'm talking about and/or to what extent; I hope I won't overexplain or sound condescending. On this same note, I forgot to open part one by explaining that bipolar disorder is a chronic mental illness that is treatable through lifelong medication and not necessarily lifelong therapy but not curable because to me that's a given, so sorry if you didn't have much knowledge on the topic and had to read my yapping with little or even no context. Second one: I will be using some words (such as "delusional") that are to be taken literally, in the medical sense. I'm not saying this because I think you are all stupid of course, but to highlight the seriousness of what I've been talking about these past months; it seems to me that lately medical terminology regarding mental health has been watered down a lot by Internet culture to the point of it losing its meaning, with memes about being "delulu 🤪" or reducing mania to dyeing your hair by yourself at 2 AM leading people to not take these things seriously. I don't mean to be a spoilsport or anything, I like and share those memes too but I've actually been (hypo)manic and delusional in the past so I guess I have the right to joke about it at least. Maybe it's not that serious but I want it to be serious at least here, which is also why I've never referred to episodes as "mood swings". I don't do that in real life either, even when talking to people who don't know much about bipolar disorder, because I've always found the term reductive and misleading: everyone has mood swings, it came free with being a human being. In my opinion it contributes to the misunderstanding of this disorder and the people who have it; no, we are not moody by default and no, we don't change our minds every five minutes or are happy one moment and then suddenly sad the next (seriously, who came up with these stereotypes and how?), but I digress.

This said, let's get down to business. I want to start with one detail that is either one of the most absurd coincidences in the entire history of literature or proof that Dostoevsky was somewhat somehow familiar with bipolar disorder and decided to integrate some things he witnessed in Ivan's character (I guess without knowing, as at the time there was very little understanding of it to the point it wasn't really considered an illness and was referred to as circular insanity and later as manic-depression, which are both cooler names than bipolar disorder but again I digress) because I swear I can't find any other explanation for it: the timeline of The Brothers Karamazov. It might seem like a very small detail, but as soon as I figured out the timeline I thought of fucking course. Now, we all know the timeline of this novel is a little confusing at first as there are almost no indicators of how much time has passed between Alyosha running from one house to another first and shit going down second, but in the first half of the novel we know it all starts in late August and honestly I didn't make anything of it, but then the timeline becomes clearer after Dmitri's arrest and we end up in early November for the trial and I mean, nothing particularly interesting or peculiar about a book covering the events of a (little over) two-month timespan, right? Technically yes, because it's not the amount of time that has passed that matters, but the time of the year: if it all had, for example, taken place from late June to early August or from late December to early February I wouldn't even be talking about it, because there's no seasonal change taking place in those months. August to November, however, is another story. I also find it interesting that it's the change from warm to cold weather, as it's the one that's the hardest for most people (for me personally it's the opposite, the shift from Winter to Spring is a nightmare, but I'm a rare case when it comes to that); I don't really know why, but the seasonal changes are always delicate periods for people with bipolar disorder as they can trigger episodes, I guess it's pretty much the same mechanism that occurs in seasonal depression. So, let me lay the timeline out for you: the Karamazovs reunite in late August, Ivan leaves a few days after, Fyodor is murdered shortly after, so probably in early September and Dmitri is arrested the same night, then Ivan comes back five days later, the trial takes place in early November the day after Pavel hangs himself, and Dmitri is sentenced five days before the story ends with Ilyusha's funeral. This timeline detail seriously drives me insane because all the other puzzle pieces I've been putting together for a while could be related to other disorders/conditions as well, such as schizophrenia (schizoaffective bipolar disorder is a thing too but I don't have it so I can't really say anything about it) and autism (autism and bipolar disorder have a lot in common), or even to just personality, but this? It's a little too oddly specific in my opinion, but I'll just keep assuming it's a coincidence for the sake of my own mental health.

Anyway, this means the story starts when a seasonal change is approaching, which is already a delicate time on its own, and Ivan has to put himself in an unpleasant situation that has a high chance of turning into a shitshow (and it does): going somewhere he wants to leave as soon as possible to discuss things he doesn't want to discuss surrounded by people he doesn't want to deal with. That's not a good start at all and it would be enough to put me, someone who has been medicated for seven years, on edge (and it has in the past); no wonder he's pissed off all the time. And it's only the start since, as we all know, the worst is yet to come. I love that the reader only gets bits and pieces of the build-up of Ivan's episode through the other characters' points of view and I particularly love how said build-up reaches its climax; it doesn't happen when Ivan hallucinates the devil (as it's mentioned he's seen him before and has also had other similar experiences in the past, I'll get into that later), but exactly a moment before that. But first, let's focus on the main build-up moments we see bits and pieces of before that. I was impressed by how realistically the whole thing was portrayed, especially considering that at the time almost everyting about this disorder was unknown; still to this day, in 2024, many people think bipolar disorder is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation, with the person being "normal" one day and waking up "crazy" the next like some sort of magic happening overnight, but that's straight up not true, it doesn't happen. Bipolar disorder is way more rational than one would think (very fitting for Ivan, isn't it?) and at times you do have an awful amount of self-awareness but can do nothing with it, it's kind of like being stuck in the passenger seat of a car with a broken steering wheel and broken breaks that's speeding straight against a wall; you know what's happening but can do nothing but watch and hope the crash won't be that painful. And that's how I felt reading too, every time I saw those bits and pieces of Ivan's story I thought oh no it's happening. And Ivan knows it's happening too, as we see in Book Eleven.

I've focused on The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor already, but I have to mention them again because as I've already explained they're such a pivotal point; before that we don't really know what Ivan's deal is, but as soon as we get acquainted (sorry, I had to) with him we start to notice that something's definitely up, and there is one seemingly small detail that I just can't get out of my head: when Ivan gets up and starts walking after his talk with his brother, Aleksej points out to himself that he's swaying a little. Considering it's implied that Ivan has a problem with alcohol (it runs in the family after all) in other occasions too, that's probably an indicator that Ivan had been drinking during his stay. Not only is there a strong link between bipolar disorder and substance abuse (how could there not be? Shit's tough and sometimes you have to self medicate, especially in the 1800s), but alcohol and drugs can trigger episodes or make them worse; Ivan is also once again dealing with everything alone and trust me, that's recipe for disaster. And of course after that the aforementioned metaphorical car does nothing but gain speed and Ivan increasingly becomes angrier, restless and frantic: he has trouble sleeping, he starts isolating himself even more, he talks faster, his thoughts start racing, his speech pattern becomes more and more incoherent and he can't stay still as he's mentioned walking back and forth for seemingly no reason in different occasions; all textbook symptoms. He visibly looks sick too and bipolar episodes are known to take a toll on your physical appearance (I looked like a walking corpse for years) as well as having physical symptoms manifest along the psychological/psychiatric ones, such as headaches caused by stress, which Ivan frequently has, because stress is a major trigger for bipolar disorder (and Ivan is undeniably quite stressed). Sleep also plays a huge role when it comes to bipolar disorder as it can quite literally determine your faith: the the very first sign to watch out for if you feel something might be wrong is a change in sleeping habits; if they start changing significantly it means something's definitely up and you need to intervene as soon as possible (I have prevented episodes from either spiraling or happening at all like that but it takes years of practice). Ivan's sleep schedule, if we can even call it that, during his episode reminds me of my own during an insane (no pun intended?) mixed episode I've had and it makes sense since after every manic episode comes a "crash", and during mixed episodes you can crash back and forth for days; it happened to me. But what is a manic crash? It can be summed up with a simple phrase: what comes up must come down. It's like throwing a ball in the air, it reaches its peak up there and after that it's all downhill until it crashes down on the ground and the higher it goes, harder the crash: if you stay up all night while manic, you'll sleep all day while depressed, the more euphoric you are, the more dysphoric you'll be; so it makes sense for Ivan to sleep more and more as he "comes down". As for the fever, stress can do that. Brain fever is nothing but a 19th century literature thing because it's not a real diagnosis and at the time severe emotional and psychological upset was classified as either that or hysteria, which isn't a real diagnosis either.

Another puzzle piece that fits way too well is that little mention of him tidying his room himself despite having someone to do it for him; I know it's probably thrown in there to highlight his self-isolating independence, but cleaning and tidying are very common (to the point it's almost a cliché) activities to do when you're having a (hypo)manic or mixed episode because they help getting rid of all the extra energy and give you a sense of control over your life; for me it's almost compulsive (compulsions and obsessive thoughts are common in bipolar disorder because bipolar disorder is like three different conditions in a trenchcoat), I've found myself obsessively cleaning my bathroom every day for months and fighting the compulsion to do the dishes even when it wasn't necessary. It's mentioned that Ivan feels the increasing loss of control and is ashamed of it, which brings us to the very important topics, when it comes to him, of self-awareness and control.

I already mentioned it in part one but I want to say it again: control is crucial when it comes to bipolar disorder; something out of your control happening in your life or not having enough control over your symptoms and emotions is enough to send you down (or up) a dangerous path (sounds familiar?). It takes years of treatment to be able to deal with the unexpected and to let go of this control freak attitude, but Ivan is riding this rollercoaster with no seat belt so here we are. I think this reflects best in his attitude when visiting Pavel in the hospital after Dmitri's arrest, when Ivan says he came back from Moscow as soon as possible to fix the mess they all made in his absence. He's particularly keen on letting Pavel know he has no intention of playing games and it's clear he has a no bullshit allowed policy when it comes to his family, which checks out with what I went over in part three: Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household means quiet and order. Ivan definitely has a strong personality and to me it feels like that kind of strong personality one has to develop to stay afloat, and considering Ivan is not comfortable with showing "weakness"...well; I'll get to that later. I don't know if it's a middle child thing because I'm not a middle child but I'm the only diagnosed and medicated person in a family that feels more like an emotional minefield and let me tell you, I've been running that shit like it's the Navy for years and I'm pretty sure I'm the only case of a youngest son with eldest daughter syndrome in human history and yes, it's a bipolar thing. The need for control is so strong that it extends to your surroundings and therefore the people around you; I don't know how to explain it because it's not a manipulation thing, it's an I can't deal with my own emotions so having someone express theirs in an extreme way makes me uncomfortable and I also need a stable environment to not lose my mind so I need to de-escalate any situation that might trigger me thing; it's cleaning up after other people's mess for your own sake. And maybe a little savior complex, at least in my case. Anyway, if Ivan keeps his family stable he keeps himself stable as well, so he has to take matters into his own hands even when it's too late. Damage control is a very important skill if you have bipolar disorder.

I've already been over Ivan's visceral anger so I won't go over it again, but I want to spend a few words for that one part where he punches Pavel: been there done that, and normally I'm not even a violent person. It was a pretty similar situation too: someone had been tormenting me for months while I already wasn't doing good at all, took it too far one day and I just snapped; I didn't even mean to hit that person but it's not something you can gain control over when it gets to that point, so I get where Ivan was coming from and I'll defend him until the day I die.

Since I'm going in chronological order, as you might have already noticed, this means I've finally reached the fun part. Brace yourselves, this is going to be long. I don't have much to say about the whole devil ordeal that hasn't already been said, after all it's the most blatant manifestation of Ivan's mental health status, and I think it's more important to focus on what's around the hallucination rather than the hallucination itself. The first and most important thing I noticed is that Ivan is not scared, and it makes sense for him to not be because the narrator says that situation feels familiar to Ivan, making this the second time it's mentioned by the narrator that Ivan has a past history of both depressive and dysphoric manic (usually referred to as mixed) episodes, which alone qualifies for a formal bipolar disorder diagnosis; now that I think about it I could have just said this instead of making four posts about it, but where's the fun in that? Also I don't have enough information to armchair diagnose this 19th century fictional character with a specific type of bipolar disorder, so I laid out all the relevant information for you to interpet it however you want, if you're familiar with this stuff. I think he could be either bipolar I or bipolar II as there aren't many differences between those two types. For reference, I'm bipolar II (electric boogalo), which is usually mainly depressive and has less intense "ups" (mania when it's bipolar I and hypomania when it's bipolar II, but mania and manic are often used as umbrella terms and I've used them as such in this). Ivan's episode seems more mixed (having both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time, I should've explained it earlier, sorry) than purely manic and mixed episodes are more likely to happen in bipolar II and/or to those who start having symptoms in adolescence regardless of type and I think that checks out (go to part two for that). However, hallucinating a whole person and having conversations with them is a pretty big deal and my own hallucinations are nothing like that, usually hearing noises such as knocks on my door or seeing shadows or bugs at the corner of my eye and things looking slightly off and changing in shape and size; nothing big that I can interact with and I can easily ignore that the rare times it happens. Wikipedia says that any kind of hallucination classifies as mania, but my psychiatrists obviously know I've hallucinated in the past and still haven't changed my diagnosis so don't trust Wikipedia I guess, probably because my hypomanic episodes have never significantly impaired my ability to function (like they haven't significantly impaired Ivan's; trust me, he could be doing much worse). There is a lot of nuance that Internet articles lack in my opinion.

Anyway, let's go back to focusing on how Ivan feels: he's not scared, but he is exhausted and desperate. And it's heartbreaking. Not the hardest part of The Brothers Karamazov for me to read, not at all actually, but way too familiar. Ivan, who has a strong personality and a no bullshit allowed policy, who usually speaks in a firm voice and who refused to get help even if he knew his mental state was getting worse, breaks down (in private, of course) and begs and pleads; please leave me alone, shut up. He goes back and forth between desperation and rage (very mixed episode of him) and what struck me the most is how harsh his words are: almost every time the devil says something, Ivan replies with an insult or even more in a row. Yes, it's not that atypical of him considering how he talks and refers to Pavel or Dmitri, but it's, again, heartbreaking because he's never acted like that with them (or even with his father) and he knows the devil is actually himself. He's reserving his worst words, his worst attitude, his most burning and consuming rage and hatred, for himself. And he knows that. Worst thing of all to me is that at some point he covers his ears to not hear the devil, his own thoughts, and I've done that. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud that they seem to come from an outside source and covering your ears comes naturally. It obviously doesn't work. I have many other thoughts about Ivan's devil but they don't have much to do with bipolar disorder so maybe I'll write another post in the future if I feel like it. Also honorable mention to the thrown glass because apparently I've done something similar once even if I genuinely don't remember it at all (bipolar disorder also causes memory loss so you barely rememeber your episodes, it's kind of like trying to recall the events of a party you got drunk at, we're not getting into that though).

Maybe I see Ivan's story and character as less dark and tragic than the average reader does, because to most people constantly walking up and down restless with racing, out of control, incoherent thoughts and experiencing delusions and hallucinations is understandably a terrifying experience, but for me up until a couple years ago that was just a random Tuesday. I mean it is terrifying but you get used to it, after a while you understand the twisted logic bipolar disorder operates under and it becomes less scary (still is at times) and more annoying, you try to keep up with your meds and manage your symptoms as best as you can and just go on with your life while still trying to fight it when/if you can (it's less depressing than how I'm describing it I swear, I really don't know how to convey that feeling). I don't see myself as a walking tragedy or as doomed (anymore), mental illness is just mundane to me and so is to Ivan; I think Dostoevsky did a marvelous job at portraying just how uneventful it can feel from the inside and we see it the contrast between what's happening to Ivan and his reaction to it and also between the other characters' perception of him and his own perception of himself. There is nothing other than concern coming from his loved ones, no judgment, they acknowledge that he's unwell and they usually refer to him as such; Ivan on the other hand refuses to and therefore refuses to take care of himself or, God forbid, let others take care of him. He knew an episode was approaching, but as long as he was physically okay his mental state didn't matter to him. Ivan's biggest flaw is that he's independent and self-absorbed (for lack of a better word) in an unhealthy, negative, bipolar way and it only fuels his anger: the only valid judgment and opinion of himself is his own and he doesn't have a positive view of himself. The devil tells him the people at the trial will pity him and Ivan snaps; he doesn't want to be pitied, he doesn't want to be seen as "weak" because he has internalized refusal for "weakness" and "cowardice" (he asks himself if he's a coward in different occasions, sometimes straight up calling himself that). How could he not have internalized it? He was neglected growing up and as an adult he always seems to be held at an impossible standard due to the way his personality was forced to develop, from being expected to keep the peace between the Karamazovs to even after his father is brutally murdered; at the trial Ippolit Kirillovič says that if Ivan was so sure of his brother's innocence, why didn't go to the police after Smerdyakov's confession? To them that must mean said confession never happened and that Dmitri is the murderer, but in reality Ivan (poor thing) didn't go because he was delusional and thought the two of them were going to confess together the following day. People expect him to be able to think straight and fix his family's mess even when he can't. And still, he doesn't break down even at the trial: he's firm even in his delirium, he never falters, his voice never breaks, he's determined and strong like he's expected to be, even if the others can't see it. He does the right thing for himself, not caring about anyone else's opinion, and in a sense he's some sort of modern Cassandra, cursed to tell the truth without being believed by those who can save his family (and in some versions of Cassandra's myth she goes mad due to witnessing the fall of Troy). He never cries; there's only one mention of him crying in the whole novel and contrary to other characters crying, it's not something we are told by the narrator himself but it's thrown in a conversation between Katya and Alyosha by Katya. Ivan only cried in private, in front of the person who insisted to take care of him. This talk about his relationship with "weakness" and the (partial) act he puts up definitely makes more sense in relation to part three and I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Speaking of the trial, I was struck by the attention brought to the Karamazovs', as a whole, ability to see and navigate through two opposite abysses. Dostoevsky, what the hell? Does it mean what I think it means? I don't know, but it sure is a familiar image to me and Dmitri does seem to walk the fine line between regular human behaviour and diagnostic criteria, but I don't have many thoughts about that, it could be anything really, mostly because none of them are actual real people. My own interpretation of those characters is more "literal" even if I know they're just tools to convey certain topics and messages and if you want to get more symbolic with them please do, I'd love to read it. Honestly I like the idea of a character with a heavily emotion-driven arc such as Ivan having a disorder that fucks with one's emotions so much; also seeing someone behaving like me being treated with tact and a particular kind of sensitivity by the other characters and the author himself is so special to me (at least considering the historical context, I mean they could've just thrown him in a madhouse and called it a day but nobody even thought about doing that) because uhm...I didn't receive such kindness growing up.

There are many characters from other books, movies, and shows that I love and relate to but have never seen as bipolar coded in any way, they were just relatable, but Ivan hits different as he's the first character I've seen that is so unapologetically bipolar. I've watched shows and movies with characters that canonically have bipolar disorder and even they can't hold a candle to him (let bipolar people or at least people who are familiar with them write bipolar characters I'm begging you). There isn't a single character from The Brothers Karamazov that I hate or even dislike (yes, not even Fyodor, he's not a good person but he's a good character) and all the brothers are special to me, but I just can't help having this soft spot for Ivan, I want to give him a hug and my meds.

I'm not really going to talk about Ivan's ending because while I do obviously have things to say, they don't belong here. I just want to say that him having an open and uncertain ending (I love open and uncertain endings) even more than the other characters do is very fitting.

And that's a wrap! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope this was an interesting and maybe even educational (there's a lot of ignorance regarding bipolar disorder and I try to raise awareness every time I can) read, but most of all I hope I managed to make sense. I like this part more than part three because I wrote it after surviving the seasonal change while during part three I was in the trenches but oh well, the past is past. No notes on part one and two, those are good I guess. Also I've said variations of been there done that a ridiculous amount of times in this whole thing but my Twitter display name is Ivan Karamazov kinnie for a reason. And I won't apologize for the shitty jokes by the way.

See you soon* with other literary analysis!

*= don't rely on my words too much, it could be tomorrow like it could be in ten years