#IDK it just makes my brain mad
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
God forbid I ever get a viral post my dungeon meshi post is almost to 4000 notes and I HATE having the notes in my alerts like GO AWAY
#I wish I could really mute it like mute the little blue push notifications#I don’t have notifications on for tumblr anyway#IDK it just makes my brain mad#I look at all my notes so I get excited someone is interacting and it’s just that dumb post#ITS KARMA FOR REPOSTING A TWEET TBH
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Your highness… I don’t feel so good
#I was literally getting the same feeling I got watching Jimmy’s empires 2 when I was watching scars stream from 2 days ago…#and then doc said THAT. full body chills. thanks#hermitcraft#hermitcraft s10#docm77#docm77 skyblock#hermitcraft skyblock#idk how to tag that man#art escapades#jimmy solidarity#solidaritygaming#empires smp#empires s2#sheriff jimmy#tumble town#uhhhh idk what else to tag hopefully that covers it#idk… something about scar and Cleo and Joe all teasing him relentless despite the fact that he was obviously Actually upset#(‘I’m sure it’s actually fine but just. the vibes of someone who’s sick of getting messed with getting relentlessly messed with. yknow)#it makes me feel vaguely sick#again I’m sure they’re fine but idk man he sounded so mad#so naturally. whatever this is happened in my brain#I’m normal I just needed to get this out of my system <3#there’s some really interesting parallels happening here that I can’t quite put into worse#words*#so I put it into images instead… hopefully you’re getting my brain waves
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
green beetle black beetle
#star wars#the original trilogy#boba fett#darth vader#hi. sorry for star war jumpscare. genuinely#i feel like ive kinda been on an art hiatus lately due to health stuff#i got diagnosed with a parathyroid disease recently (wahoo) so now i know why i have been feeling so bad! need more tests though#anyway. in the mean time most of the entertainment my brain can handle has been like. youtube clip compilations of shows and movies#not even the actual shows or movies. literally just sections of them on youtube#i wish i was joking#the only reason i know what happens in succession is because i have watched it in disjointed order in youtube compilations. not joking#anyway so ive learned a lot more about star wars than i ever. thought i would#mostly just the original trilogy and prequels. some of the old comics & books are interesting too#(sick to my stomach) i like darth vader he has like the same personality as ganondorf except he had no good reason for doing anything#when vader/anakin does literally anything weird or unacceptable it like. makes me laugh so hard its like jerma when he sees a car accident#boba fett’s costume design has been rotating in my head a lot too it’s very good#he’s very colorful and like. matte/unpolished compared to vader and it makes them a cool duo visually#those 2 are my favorites. vader why is the space cowboy the only person aside from sidious or tarkin who is allowed to get mad at you#sidious is my 3rd favorite. he sucks so bad as like a person that you just. you have no expectations of him except just being evil#so its just really funny like everything he does is horrible and he’s so happy all the time like good for him#i’m making it sound like ive never seen star wars before. i have i just never really cared about it until i got an endocrine disorder lmao#but yeah idk art may continue to be slow while im figuring out treatment stuff#if anyone reading this also has or has had hyperparathyroidism im wishing the strength & radiance of 1000 beautiful horses upon you
83 notes
·
View notes
Text
Blyke and John: Parallel Characters
I’ve written multiple entries about this,
[x] [x] [x]
But I’m back to make a comprehensive analysis about the glaring similarities between these two. I’ll try not to repeat myself here.
‼️SPOILER WARNING for the whole series‼️ but this mostly focuses on the story before John’s suspension.
Firstly, this scene:
ch. 121
This conversation takes place near the beginning of the Joker arc. It’s after John targets Zeke, after he targets Juni, and the day before he goes after Seraphina’s kidnappers. The timing is important.
“If someone hit your best friend, would you let it slide?”
That question is supposed to remind us what John does to people who hurt Seraphina: hunting them down and sending them to the hospital. Blyke shooting a destructive beam really close to John was an example of a trait they share: they both blow up violently when people mistreat their friends.
John’s downward spiral carries strong themes of hypocrisy. He’s angry at the world, he’s angry at himself, and as a coping mechanism, he chooses to believe that everyone else is as bad as he is. That means that most of the traits he hates others for are the same things he hates about himself. In this scene, Blyke is unintentionally calling out this hypocrisy: “What I did is no different from what you do”.
But Blyke’s just trying to connect with John here, he has no idea what John’s been doing. And John, of course, doesn’t give a shit about what Blyke has to say. This line was here for the audience to notice.
They’re both so similar, but their similarity immediately causes tension between them because, well, John was on the wrong end of Blyke’s protectiveness.
I really love the way this was written— there are so many flashbacks to this scene, but they remember it differently. John remembers the part that hurt him— he’d describe it as “the time that jackass shot a beam at me”. Blyke remembers the part that hurt him, or rather, hurt Remi: “the time that jackass hit Remi for no reason”.
Blyke and John are both hotheaded characters with strong ideals. They’re similar enough that Seraphina points it out:
(ch. 80)
As Blyke grows as a character, he becomes more like John: sticking up for low tiers and speaking out against the injustice in the world. But while Blyke is doing that more, John is going in the opposite direction, until they are fully opposed to each other.
Speaking of Blyke’s character arc, it took me a few rereads to actually understand what part of him changed. His kindness, selflessness, bravery— all of those things were there from the start. Blyke’s character arc was about becoming more aware of his surroundings, and how his carelessness can harm others. Blyke was never malicious, but after X-Rei and integrating more with the school, he becomes aware of people suffering around him and how he unintentionally contributes to it. He becomes less reckless, privy to the flaws in the system he grew up not questioning, and uses his power more responsibly. He even comes up with a more controlled way to wield his ability. The part of Blyke that changes is his maturity.
Part of John’s character arc is also about being careful. It’s not as close of a parallel as other things are, but one of the things that John works on during his redemption arc is holding back. Both of them learn self-control throughout the series, and for John, that means acting early before his emotions spiral out of hand.
Adding onto my first point about the two of them wanting to protect their friends— the fact that they can’t do that makes them both angry and desperate. For most of the story, the “block” that prevents John from protecting Seraphina is in his head. It’s his own trauma that holds him back. The block that prevents Blyke from protecting his friends is, guess what? Also John’s trauma! Parallels abound.
Another thing I noticed in Episode 80 is this:
Notice that when Seraphina says “I’d take that over strength any day,” John is looking at the camera. He’s avoiding Sera’s gaze. Seraphina is saying she prefers honesty over strength. John is very strong, and very dishonest, but Seraphina thinks the opposite because John is so dishonest. John appears to be reflecting on this disconnect.
In relation to this analysis, Seraphina is actually pointing out a major difference between Blyke and John. Beyond that, she’s praising Blyke’s traits, (less strong but very open) above John’s traits, (strong as fuck but a liar with his pants on fire). Furthermore, John really cares what Seraphina thinks of him. Knowing that she would think less of him is the main reason why he spent so much time and effort preventing her from catching his lies.
This leads into my main point here: Blyke is the “goody-two-shoes” version of John. Or, more accurately, the person that John wants to be. Blyke has a clean track record and doesn’t really get into trouble. He is respected and left alone by the school without being hated and feared, he de-escalates conflicts without taking things too far, he doesn’t lose control, he’s someone Seraphina thinks highly of, hell, even his grades are better! Blyke represents everything that John wants to be, and the person that he could have been if he’d gone down a different path.
But, crucially, John is also what Blyke wants to be. Well, not wholly, but his ability? His strength? It’s one of the things John hates about himself, but Blyke wants that strength so desperately that he risks his life for it over and over again.
They’re both desperate to be like each other, even when they hate each other the most. Neither of them have any idea how alike they already are.
I don’t know what Season 3 holds in store for us, but I do hope that John realizes that Blyke embodies who he wants to be, because mutual jealousy would be a very interesting dynamic to explore in my opinion. I also hope that it ends up being something they can bond over, by helping each other accomplish their personal goals. (Blyke being another helper in John’s character arc, and John helping Blyke train.)
A side note: John beat up Blyke four separate times. That’s more than any other character, which is interesting because John’s main rival is supposed to be Arlo. For reference, John has beaten Arlo twice, three times if you count the time when Seraphina intervened, and he only beat him unconscious once. But John beat Blyke to the point of passing out all four times, the worst of which being a shot clean through his chest. (shoulder? Unclear. S1 finale).
It’s odd, isn’t it? Out of everyone, Blyke is the one who John physically hurt the most. John’s only grudge against him is an old memory from episode 33, of an event that didn’t actually harm him. John’s grudge against Arlo is much more serious and again— that’s his main rival. So why is it that he’s so much more violent towards Blyke?
The problem here is that I’ve been thinking about these fights as “John picking on Blyke”. And that’s… kind of true? But while Blyke didn’t start any of these fights, they were all consensual in a way. He didn’t seek to fight John, nor was he ever happy about fighting John, but he was always a willing participant.
(138, 153, 206, & 211)
In three out of these four fights, John didn’t even expect to be fighting Blyke going into it. This is significant because while Arlo is John’s main rival, John absolutely fills that role for Blyke. Blyke’s own agency is what leads to most of these events. The reason, narratively speaking, why they fight so much is not for John’s character, but for Blyke.
For John, his reason for fighting Blyke so much is not narrative but moreso symbolic. John is angry at everyone and everything, but ultimately the person he hates the most is himself. It’s only fitting that the character most like him would bear the brunt of his wrath.
As John is having his positive character arc (suspension and post-suspension), he is becoming more like Blyke, and the two of them reach a point where they’re even more similar than they were at the start of the series.
In the Rowden amusement park, John does start to realize how similar they are:
(249)
Additionally, I want to draw your attention to the parallels between this scene:
Blyke and John’s argument in chapter 249
(which the image limit won’t let me add, scroll until you see red hair.)
And this scene:
Argument in ch. 121 (it’s at the beginning)
Two sides of the same coin.
Furthermore, in the S2 finale, Blyke is shown being taken to Keon. There is an implication that by Season 3, Blyke and John will share Keon-related trauma as well. Despite my pessimistic predictions, I do hope that this is a similarity that can bring them together rather than tear them apart.
#unordinary#I had another point that i had to cut#because it was about the john slaps remi scene#and how like blyke knew he wasn’t gonna miss and hit john by accident but john doesn’t necessarily know that#and that john assumes the worst (blyke was aiming for his head) bc he’s mad#and blyke also assumes the worst (that john hit remi for no reason). But when i was looking for screenshots to back it up#and i was looking for the one panel where john referred to blyke as “that idiotic redhead who tried to blow my brains out”#as proof of john assuming the worst#But then i found it and it doesn’t even say what i thought it said#it says “THREATENED to blow my brains out”#Smh john didn’t even assume the worst. He knew it was jyst a threatening shot even thogh he was mad#And then my whole thing kinda falls apart because blyke assuming the worst is actually just the logical conclusion since he can’t read mind#Like how was he gonna know john was having trauma issues#Yargh okay so i think i cut all the parts that don’t really make sense but it’s late so this is a low quality proofread#Gonna be honest this is NOT structured very well#Theres more to be said about john hating other people for the same reasons he hates himself#and I didn’t quite hit it#but it’s lateeeeeee#something about how Blyke is so similar to john but lacks most of what John hates about himself so John projects his insecurities—#back onto him anyway#Something about in ch 249 when he says something something “because I couldn’t cope with the fact that you guys weren’t actually bad people#Yeah idk im too tired to get into it#blyke unordinary#john unordinary#oh also has something to do with when john says “i may have deserved those classes but they sure as hell don’t” about keon#i think that’s significant#analysis#i have a bad feeling that someone in my notes is gonna purposely misinterpret my “goody two shoes” blyke statement ngl#”did you say that blyke is perfect and john is evil”#like something like that
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
A very self indulgent drawing of Misty I've been working on for a few weeks... On and off. But now it's here! :]
#i promiSED ID RESPOND TO THE ASKS I GOT AFTER I GOT HOME BUT I WAS MOTIVATED TO FINALLY FINISH THIS SINCE IVE BEEN WORKING ON IT ON AND OFF#FOR LITERAL *WEEKS* NOW#IM VERY HAPPY WITH THE RESULT THO ITS VERY FUN#SO MAD TUMBLR IS GONNA FUCK UP THE QUALITY THO LIKE ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR#IM SORRY I WAS JUST SUPER EXHAUSTED AND I KNEW THE ASKS WILL AWAKEN TEN GATES OF ADHD AUTISM SO I PUT THEM OFF LOLLLL i will get to them#eventually but im not promising a certian time bc i need to stop making promises OOPS bc my BRAIN IS LIKE THAT#ANYWAYS THIS IS A VERY SELF IDULGENT THING I LIKE PUTTING CHARACTERS INTO GOOFY SCENE COLORFUL OUTFITS#i learned that the way to make these the best is to just slap stuff you like there that you think is cool and not worry about accuracy and#ohhahhahhPHOHOHHHH inspo real clothing#JURST HAVE FUN!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! **RUNS IN A CIRLE** BARK BARK BARK#very self indulgent bc theres TWO whole girs here#toontown#toontown corporate clash#rainmaker#guz art#fav#(personal fav bc idk ! i dont have a tag for personal fav stuff)#btw someone put inktale reaction stuff on this on clashcord. if anyone mentions inktale sans here im actually going to take their guts
283 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry to be doing mcu throwback complaints again and EXTRA sorry for it to be about cacw and aou, sorry, i just am thinking again that if marvel had. in aou. committed to letting steve rogers see that captain america graffiti calling him a fascist with his own two eyes i would have forgiven many of their subsequent deeds and crimes
#like hey. hey shh. cacw but they engage with the politics of it and also have in a previous movie made him look at that graffiti. chefs kiss#WHAT IF THEY LET HIM MAKE A SPEECH. CACW BUT IF THEY LET STEVE TALK. UTOPIAN#i know asking that of mcu is like asking a toddler to build you a house but its just SO INTERESTING. TO ME#THAT IT WAS MADE AND FILMED AND THEN SCRAPPED#that they had steve's reaction be to just remove the helmet identifying him with that symbol and Continuing On#it's just interesting is all i am saying it's Interesting#note: i am obviously not saying steve's a fascist i just think it would be INTERESTING for Little Guy Of WW2 Fame to see it with his eyes#maybe i'm just still mad that my captain america press conference was stolen and turned into a peggy funeral idk. sigh#i'm done i'm done i promise. i don't have fatws open in another tab letting it microwave my brain. dont worry#kayvswords#mcu desperately trying to tell stories without telling an actual story is so genuinely fascinating to me#they want the themes and aesthetics without the substance but like. it's a story. it'll say something whether you want it to or not#idk idk idk. fatws is also i think peak mcu politics it's very funny. fascinating company. theyre so bad at movie#WHY DID CACW HAPPEN LIKE THAT. WHO THOUGHT IT WAS SMART. christ god#i feel like i should tag this as something so i don't get jumped but idk if that's still the vibe here kfdjglkjdfh
75 notes
·
View notes
Text
the boy-but-not-that-way-ism of riz gukgak send tweet
#not art#have been chipping away at a more... proper? so to say. piece of the kids for keepsake. and since its of them at the beach Im rotating#gender stuff in brain again. riz and gorgug ping a lot of the like funny gender stuff in my brain#very specifically adjacent to cultural understanding of it all... like I did say I do think riz has a gender and it can be#translated to ''man'' in solesian understanding but also that boy has close to no self awareness nor does he want to#he grew up as ''goblin'' before ''boy'' and it's kinda how he perceives himself. got a gender but doesn't wanna do much with it#kinda imagining him seeing his grandparents again and realizing that there's a gap there between himself and his grandpa too#and sitting with that for a bit. not for long that kid doesnt do that but for just a little bit#man I truly really do love that riz is aroace. my boy of the unquantifiable unimportant margins....#gorgug though is 100% trans lmao. there's a kinda distance to his own body in how he acts#that's kinda common in ''mad scientist'' characters? (or maybe my perspective's just skewed due to willow jenkins lmao)#kid spent the first two seasons fitting himself in places he Should be able to fit. and s3 is pretty much all about him Making New Spaces#thing is despite looking ardently for like. the reason Why he can't fit in in the first season I think gorgug really does#love his gnome parents and love being their child. and its confusing and tough to have to learn why something you love still hurts you#he wants it to not. he wants to make sense. and then it does and it changes nothing really#until he actively makes choices based on what he's learned. like. damn idk how to word it but#just like the ability to say ''actually this Is my life what are u gonna do? stop me from living it?'' is a powerful force#its rly fun to look at these two guys in these contexts thats like#they will never win the gender game just by virtue of being who they are. it's not designed for folks like them to win#but riz would simply not play and gorgug would design his Own game he's the champion of. and I think that rules
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
I need to get out of this down-on-myself era it is SO offputting
#*clutching the bathroom sink making mad eye contact in the mirror*#YOU MAKE THINGS THAT PEOPLE WANT TO SEE AND ALSO YOUR FRIENDS ENJOY YOUR COMPANY#i genuinely dunno why my brain is being such a dick to me lately?#like idk I've had the old anxiety/depressio for years but I've at least been. faaairly confident in my creative ability for a while#been struggling a bit with it lately#there's no real rhyme or reason to it#just feeling a bit like i don't have much to Offer lately i suppose#feeling very irrational#it's probs cuz I'm feeling helpless at home tbh#I'm sort of a bit powerless and useless here and it's having knock-on effects idk#one day. i will be free#mr. bees speaks
12 notes
·
View notes
Note
did you ever make a post about pete not liking tankhun ? i know you mentioned it a few times in your tags but i don't remember seeing a post. (i share your opin ions.)
I definitely toyed with the idea of meta or a gifset but I didn't ever make a full post! I love unrequited love and I ESPECIALLY love the extremely rare platonic version which Tankhun and Pete absolutely nail in my opinion!
There are loads of moments where Pete's smile drops around Tankhun very quickly, or he insults Tankhun behind his back. Instead of laughing things off like Arm and Pol, he almost has a wincing fear-response to Tankhun, which we don't really see at all from the other bodyguards.
I think that Tankhun likes to think of himself as being close friends with his bodyguards, and he does genuinely show a lot of open affection for Pete and eventually concern for his safety. But I think ultimately for Pete, Tankhun is just a part of Pete's job, and over time resentment has built up until he thinks of Tankhun as one of the *worst* parts of it. I definitely don't think he resents Tankhun enough to hurt or endanger him, but that's about as far as it goes, there's certainly very little love there.
Something about that dynamic is just particularly brilliant, especially when combined with Pete's eventual defection from Tankhun's side to Vegas'. He chooses a man who has beaten and tortured him over a man who showers him in affection and throws parties on his return.
I utterly adore Tankhun but I think as a character that's grown up in a gilded cage, he doesn't really understand that what Pete needs is a sense of his own autonomy rather than being dragged to "fun" "lets cheer up Pete" parties that Tankhun has demanded on his behalf. At least with Vegas he *chose* to go back, he handed Vegas the ropes, let him lock him back up again. Even before he develops feelings for Vegas, Pete has clearly felt like a subhuman pet for Tankhun and the main family for a long, long time and I think ironically Vegas acknowledging Pete's humanity is the tipping point for him.
I think even without their nascent romantic love as a factor, Pete would always choose Vegas. Because despite the threat of suffering, he offers a sense of freedom that Tankhun's gilded cage does not. It all makes for an incredibly interesting betrayal, and makes Pete choosing Vegas over Tankhun all the more pointed. By choosing to be Vegas' pet, he chooses to be human.
#I have had this gifset concept rattling round my brain since before I even learned to make gifs#if I didn't have so many complicated feelings about Pete after the whole Build situation I'd make it in a heartbeat tbh#my worry is that it would either be taken as a ''hating on Pete'' set and I'd get mad shit for it in my inbox#(despite it being one of my fave facets of his character)#or it would be interpreted as a ''Build's acting appreciation!'' post which tbf it kinda would be.#theres no getting away from the fact that he shaped Pete into a very interesting and nuanced character#but you wouldn't catch me dead making a ''Captain Jack Sparrow appreciation'' set even if I loved POTC as much as KPTS yknow?#like theres only so much distance I can split the character from the actor. which sucks bc Pete as a character was one of my favourites#idk. probably not the ideal answer lol#my first instict was to just make the set since it was all planned out from like december#but since January my love for Pete as a character has mostly been in a little box on a high shelf that I do not ever touch. which is sad#but it is what it is ig#anyway lol 👀#tankhun theerapanyakul#pete kp#tankhun kp#kp meta#ask#anon#watch me deliberately not putting that shit in the pete tag out of fear#anyway back on the high shelf you go little pete feelings. lets go back to simply not acknowledging u once more lol 🥲✨#goddamn I deliberately hadnt thought about him in months but now I kinda miss Pete... :( I love this ask though thank u for sending it! 🦔✨#damn rereading this its like girl. do you have an unrequited love for commas?? fucking use them?? :) anywaY#kpts
60 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion
#ngl karlach would be too good for me and i wouldnt deserve it#shed probably ask me stuff like 'what do you want?' upon which i would be paralyzed with fear my mind completely blank unable#to process why i can't answer a simple question#and she's so up front with her emotions which i absolutely adore but i could not reciprocate that#wait am i actually for real avoiding the karlach romance bc i feel like this fictional character from a video game is too good for me#a real human being. like. i think i would feel guilty about romancing her#which makes no sense bc i romance characters too good for anyone all of the time. but idk#in those cases ive always had like a strong character i play as who is very divorced from who i am#but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal#im v sleepy and also ive had brain fog all day so yea idk#i mean i do genuinely like astarion and his character but in his case i dont feel guilty bc i feel like i#i have no idea how to finish that sentence without it sounding like 'i can fix him'#bc i dont want to fix him i want to show him compassion and respect him and his boundaries so he'll be able to reclaim tje feeling of#being in control of his life#so he'll stop putting people down to feel like hes on a pedestal#like i get him and why he is like that but i just feel like being kind and caring towards him would feel so good#it wouldnt fix him and thats a good thing bc i dont want him to change who he is but i do think he needs support#also hes hot im so mad at myself for being so atteacted to him#we wouldnt b here if i didnt have a thing for voices#besides thag back to the main point of astarion its like. ugh! im so frustrated rn bc i dont have the words#to express my emotions toward him bc everything ive said lacks the nuance that im feelikg but idk how to put it in words#i guess i want to protect him? that such a terrible sentence and still not what om going for
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
Till should get to go on a murder spree for funsies 💖💖
#alien stage#no more thought just...till orz#but also i kinda want him and the gang to suffer more#i will not be mad if the ending is tragic or bittersweet i live for those#i hope something comes out that makes all these event more gut wrenching#dont mine me just talking to myself bc i cannnoooot get round 6 from my brain#alien stage spoilers#<- just in case idk#also im saying this as if till hasnt killed an alien before and like he didnt have violent tendencies lmaooo
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
okay fINE i'll just say it!! i miss fandom!!
#i know i'm still like. AROUND. but it's different#ofc it's different#idk man#things don't click and clack in my brain the way they used to#which is probably a good thing all things considered bc we were in a bit of a pickle mentally there for a hot minute#but goodness gracious i miss the community of it all and the freakouts and the emotional meltdowns over Some Guy(s)#it was FUN#it IS fun#and there is nothing saying i can't reblog shamey stuff whenever the fancy happens to strike me#bc it is not that serious and it ultimately doesn't matter what i do bc life is just one small blip in the grand oblivion of it all#but i feel like making a french exit and then swooping back in is a bit of a weird move lmfao#anyway#this is all to say that i'm thinking about them today#i'm thinking about their love and their story and the way that they were literally the blueprint and completely unmatched on all levels#and it's driving me a little mad#maybe i'll make some gifs#we'll see where the day takes me#okay that's all goodbye
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
Either the people around me are lying because they don't want to admit they're wrong, OR I really am saying things out loud that I don't remember saying out loud, and NOT saying things out loud that I thought I had said out loud, and uhhhhh... that's concerning! :')
#I feel like I'm legitimately insane or have an extremely early onset Alzheimer's case or something#'cause like#why am I not knowing if I actually said things or not#and people keep telling me 'you said this other thing' or 'no you never said that' etc.#like is my brain really that fucked up orrrrrr#idk this can't be normal right??#I'm in a constant state of sleep deprivation and I sometimes take meds that make me drowsy but like#I shouldn't be acting like I have no brain matter left???#what the fuck is wrong with me#best of all is how people see me suffering and they're like 'yeah she's obviously forgetting stuff to be a bitch so let's be mad at her! :)#OR what I said before about how I'm not forgetting things and they're just lying to me.#I genuinely can NOT tell what is going on and it's scaring me...#but everyone blames it on me either way#I REALLY wanted to have a good day today but like. things like this really hurt :')#I feel like I'm too fucking stupid to function and I'll never accomplish anything#because I literally can't even keep track of what I'm saying or doing vs. what I'm just imagining#what the fuck I hate this#just put me down already
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity#am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about#i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy#why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies#this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most#i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out#it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself#i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk#also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it-#- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop#i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me#not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE#no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me.#not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse#but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about#-everything lmao#stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse#delete later probably idk lmao
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I love Petty-dwarves
that is all
#I'm writing a paper on them right now and I love it; it has been too long since I thought about them deeply#petty-dwarves#silm#silmarillion#I feel like grinning like mad#doing a happy dance#chirping like a baby alligator#idk petty-dwarves just make my brain light up in a way very little else does#maybe it's because they're under-cared for#and that gives me more opportunity to share about them#it might also be that because of it almost no one has talked about them/headcanoned with them/etc#so they feel more mine in ways that someone like Finrod or Maedhros never could
4 notes
·
View notes