#I've never been more horrified and baffled????

[starrbirrd]

it never occurred to me that people saw cassian taunting nesta about falling down the stairs as romantic what the fuck is wrong w/y'all 😭

[moghedien]

honestly I'm just constantly obsessing over the Lae'zel romance scenes, but like I think I've finally decided which version of the duel (you winning or her) I prefer from just like a character standpoint.

because in the moment I went back and forth with both versions because I wasn't sure, but then ended up staying with the version where I win, and I think that's my preference now because it just feels like a subtler but more intense mind fuck to Lae'zel if you take everything that happened up into this point into account.

and do not get my wrong, i think the version where she wins is absolutely a mind fuck to her for many reasons, and I do love it. like her realizing that you aren't weak and she's like horrified at having hurt you and that very concept confusing her? amazing. we love her for it.

but if you win the duel, I feel like that forces her to recontextualize soo much more if you played the romance how I did at least. because basically any time she told me to submit, i did. I never tried to be the dominant one. I never even really teased her for being soft in certain circumstances or got snarky with her or got upset when she'd be like possessive and demeaning.

and I imagine that the githyanki sex rituals dictate that like the weaker one is submissive one and so obviously Lae'zel was the stronger one your relationship and if you did nothing to dissuade her of that fact then you obviously agree. there's no love or preference in it. There's just like desire and physical need and ability that decides who's doing what.

and I feel like this is backed up by the conversation when you can turn the one night stand into a two night stand, where she's like "you look weak and pathetic when you look at me. you look terrified." And also the fact that you can request that she stay and cuddle you afterward in that scene and she's like, baffled and upset by that suggestion. She calls it pointless grappling and a waste of muscles. like sex is combative to her. If you're not fighting for dominance or directly getting off in that moment, then what's the point? and if you embarrass her by suggesting she's never cuddled before, then she tries to get back at you by pointing out that she killed some kind of creature and you haven't. like do not get it twisted. dominance in sex is like expressly tied to actual strength and weakness outside of sex to her.

So if you win the duel? If you've been unquestioningly letting her dominant you in every sexual encounter and then only to turn around and fucking annihilate her in battle the first time you're actually going head to head, 1v1?

Imagine how much that must fuck with her perceptions what your relationship has been up until this point.

Because now its not even just her realizing that she has feelings for you that she doesn't know how to deal with. Oh no. She's realizing that every single time she's told you to submit and you did, its not because you couldn't dominate her. Its not because you were afraid of her or thought you were weaker than her. Its not because you couldn't flip things around on her. its not just that you were so lustful toward her that you submitted just to be able to have sex. It's because you specifically wanted to be the submissive one and you wanted her to do what she wanted with you.

You coulda kicked her ass at any time. And you never even tried. You never even hinted at it.

and god, the cuddling? You didn't want that just to distract or as some trick to exhaust her? You just wanted to cuddle? you wanted to be soft and hold each other just for the sake of it?

and the fact that its only after the duel that she asks you to be gentler with each other now and she says its the most terrifying thing she's ever done just kinda hammers that home for me. Because she realized it isn’t weakness that makes her (and you) want those things. It’s still scary to ask for though…

Like I'm just saying, if you've just unquestionably submitted to her and then you kick her ass, then she's not just grappling with the fact that she's having feelings. She's grappling with the fact that you've been having feelings this entire time and were much more aware of it than her, and that didn’t make you weak, so maybe it doesn’t make her weak either?

[al1fers-haven]

"OH DEER"

Alastor x Vox's wife!reader

Part 1 - Part 1.5 (You're here!)

You had been at the hotel for a couple weeks now, completely ignoring the news and any form of technology that Vox could find you on, even trying to steer clear from going outside, to begin with after a couple of times trying.

You had bonded a lot with the fellow members of the Hazbin hotel, you and Angel had bonded the most it seemed. Both having worked with the Vees and had romantic and sexual relations with them, it brought you together. Especially when it came to the harder nights the porn star seemed to have because of Valentino. "So...what's your deal?" Husk looked towards you as you looked down at the margarita he had made for you about 12 minutes ago. Attempting to figure out what exactly was going on and why you were here to begin with.

"What? Oh- nothin' much. Trying to wrap my head around this whole.." You waved your hand around in the air. "Redemption thing?" Husk nodded, grabbing his own bottle of whiskey and sighing. "What? You really believe in it?" You shook your head no, giggling a little bit. "No, I've met heaven. They won't let any soul go through anytime soon unless it is someone really important. You would think if souls could be redeemed I wouldn't be here, right?" Husk sensed the slight tension at the mention of heaven. A small smile on your face. "I uh...yeahh..." He let out a small noise and opened his bottle. "Well, why are you here? Alastor got you on a leash?" You sat up at that. Suddenly getting a lot livelier at the mention of the radio demon. "Oh! No, he would never! Uhm...i ran into him on the street, we had a nice talk. He's helping me hide from my ex-husband." Husk deadpanned, pointing his bottle at you. "What?" You lifted your glass up and chuckled a bit behind it, rolling your eyes. "I seem to get that answer a lot...I ran into him after me and my husband had gotten into a huge fight. Luckily enough he is one of the many people Vox can't touch! So here I am..!" You laughed nervously. Watching as Husk got more and more confused. "You were married to Vox? as in the overlord Vox?" You deadpanned, running a hand through your hair as your smile dropped. "Well he wasn't 'Vox, head of Voxtech' when I married him! We go way back to the living world." He slowly nodded. "Is he uh....treatin you well then?" Husk took a sip of his whiskey, leaning against the table. "Oh! He's been a complete sweetie to me! Making me snacks, even getting me some new clothes from Cannibal Town!" Your cheeks grew more and more colorful as you spoke about the overlord. Take a flustered sip from your drink. "You don't-" You took a loud sip from the drink. Your face continued to get red as he stared at you. "You do!?" "Listen, its just a small thing! It ain't going anywhere...Just...having a couple dinners with the fella.." Husk rubbed his face. A shameful look on your face. "What! He's the only guy who's actually treated me like a girl and not something to wife up! Can't blame a girl can ya?" Husk nodded. "Yes, yes I can blame you." "Really? Is it that bad for me to have a small thing for Mr. Strawberryhead?" Husk sighed, rolling his eyes with a mumble. "Well, it's not horrible? I mean, just fair warning he is a horrible person." You waved your hand, putting down your drink. "Eh, I've married worse. Believe me, vox was nothing more than an obsessive drunk who can't handle being told no. As long as he doesn't force me into anything I hate, then we are good! Or hit me." Husk stared at you baffled, a horrified expression on his face. "What? Is that bad!?" Husk nodded quickly. Grabbing your drink and refilling it. "Yes! That's- That is below the bare minimum Y/n! Cmon girl, you need to think about standards- Cmon, your standards are to not date a rapist or an abuser! That's- oh god angel has better standards." You slumped a bit. "Y/n, dear! I made some fruit salad, would you like some?" Alastors voice boomed throughout the bar room, making you perk up and look towards the fellow. "Coming Alastor!" You stood up, grabbing the margarita with a smile as you looked at Husk. "Uh..." He looked towards Alastor with a growl. "Thank you...Husk. I'll think more about what I want, how about that?" The cat demon nodded slowly, turning around and cleaning out a cup or two.

[ladyloveandjustice]

The Black Dress

Another Marcille x Falin fic, but this one is the longest by far. It's post-series and references post-series material that hasn't been officially translated (the Falin and Shuro thing, if you know you know). With this, I've finished all my fic ideas for now! It was fun!

The tears wouldn’t stop coming.

Marcille shoved her books aside so she wouldn’t ruin them with tear stains. She hunched over her desk, head in her hands.

She had to pull it together. Falin was going to leave any minute. She had to be supportive. The last thing she wanted was do was hold Falin back. No matter how much it hurt, she had to let her go.

She wiped her nose noisily and took some deep breaths. It’s okay, she said she’d come back. Collect yourself. You can do this.

There was a loud knock on her bedroom door. “Marcille?” Falin called.

No! I’m not ready! But before Marcille could get the worlds out, Falin had opened the door.

Marcille bent her head, wiping at her eyes desperately, not even caring that she was staining her sleeves. “I-I just need a few minutes, I want to see you off with a smile—”

“It’s fine if you’re crying. I don’t want you to hide,” Falin said gently, closing the door behind her.

Marcille nodded, hiccuping, her eyes burning.

 Falin patted Marcille’s shoulder, then sat on her bed, looking at her quizzically. “You’ve never cared about crying in front of me before. What’s going on?”

“I just don’t want to hold you back…”

Anything I like is influenced by my brother and Marcille…” The words echoed painfully in her head.

“Falin, I’m sorry that I’ve…I’ve suffocated you. I know I’ve been so controlling. I never wanted to chain you down and I really support you going on your journey, so--!”

“What are you…?” Falin’s eyes widened. “Oh, you were eavesdropping on me and Shuro”.

“Everyone else was too!” Marcille said hastily but Falin just shook her head.

“Marcille, you don’t suffocate me. It’s just that when I admire someone, I let myself get wrapped up. I always just wanted to make the people I love happy…but that I never really took any time to figure out who I was and what I want. It’s not about you and Laios, it’s about me.”

Marcille gave her a watery smile. “You deserve it. You sacrifice so much for other people and I’m so glad you’re doing something for yourself for once. You don’t need to make me happy. You do that just by being you.”

Falin’s lips spread into a sweet smile that made Marcille want to melt.

But she couldn’t get sidetracked. She needed to say the next part.

“But I do know I’ve been overbearing, Falin. I always thought I knew best. And I--”

“Treated me like a child?”

Marcille flushed. Suddenly she couldn’t look Falin in the eye. She swiveled around in her chair so she didn’t have to face her. “I…I never thought of you as a child, Falin. Not really. I realize that now. I was just scared. I didn’t want to accept that you were going to die before me, that you were changing so fast, And most of all, I was scared of my feelings, and how they’d changed. I knew if I followed those feelings…it would hurt so much more when I lost you.”

Oh no, she was revealing way too much. She couldn't tell Falin how she felt when she was about to leave! She pressed her lips together to keep more traitorous words from escaping.

“Marcille…”

Marcille squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t tell from Falin’s voice how she felt. Was she disgusted? Horrified? Baffled? She braced herself, balling up her dress in her hands.

Then, out of nowhere, hot breath tickled her cheek.

“I know all that,” Falin whispered in her ear.

Marcille yelped, red as a tomato. She jerked away, exclaiming “Falin!”

Falin giggled. She was laughing a lot these days. She was so much more open and free lately. But what she was saying didn’t make sense.

“What do you mean, you knew?”

“Sometimes people are a mystery, but you’ve always been easy to figure out, Marcille. For me, anyway. But I didn’t want to pressure you about it. I didn’t want to make you to push me away.”

Marcille’s heart pounded in her ears. Was Falin saying what she thought she was saying? No, she couldn’t get her hopes up. Falin probably misunderstood what she meant by “feelings”

"But you seem less afraid of all that now. It was thanks to my brother and the others, right?”

“Yes,” Marcille muttered. “I can’t believe it turns out Laios is more emotionally mature than I am.”

“I could have told you that,” Falin said with a mischievous smile.

“Rub it in, why don’t you!”

“But I’m glad,” Falin said, her smile turning soft. “I’m glad my brother was braver than me. I always wanted to help you somehow, but I didn’t know how.”

“I don’t know if I would have listened to you if you’d tried,” Marcille sighed. “But now I’m trying to…accept what I can’t control. I’m working on being less possessive of you.”

“I noticed.” Falin said, the mischief back in her eyes. “I was shocked that you didn’t try to stop Shuro from confessing to me.”

“I bet 100 gold you’d turn him down,” Marcille said automatically, and then clapped her hand over her mouth.

“Now that’s the Marcille I know,” Falin laughed again. It was such a beautiful sound, like a bell chiming. Warmth bloomed inside Marcille. She looked down at her lap bashfully, letting her hair fall over her eyes.

But then she heard the laughter stop. When she looked up, Falin was studying her, looking gloomy.

  “What’s wrong?”

“Your hair,” Falin muttered.

What about it?” Marcille glanced at her mirror. It was pretty messy. She’d been so out of sorts she hadn’t been able to force herself to brush it much. She shrugged. “Since when you care so much about hair?” In school, Falin had let her hair get unkempt all the time, despite Marcille and the school’s lectures about how important it was for magic.

“You cared about it though. It was something you loved and it was a part of you.” Falin’s mouth tightened. Every part of you is important to me.”

“Falin…”

Falin grabbed the hairbrush from Marcille’s bedside table and patted the bed. “Come sit here.”

Marcille did, and Falin sat behind her and began to brush. She was gentle, going section by section, carefully working through each knot, never yanking. It was a world of difference from the way Falin dragged a brush through her own hair. When her whisper soft fingers brushed Marcille’s neck, Marcille’s whole body tingled.

“This reminds me of when I used to brush and play around with your hair. You always barely tolerated it, but I appreciated that you let…”

  She trailed off as Falin ran her fingers through her hair, checking that there were no knots. She hoped the back of her neck wasn’t red right now, but she knew it probably was.

She glanced back at Falin, and saw she was fishing some hair ties out of her pocket. “Face forward, please. I’m going to braid.”

“Since when do you know how to do that?” The one time Falin had braided her hair in school, it had been an absolute disaster.”

“Chilchuck taught me first. But then Kiki and Namari told me those were little kid braids. So I had Kiki teach me.” She began braiding. Marcille resisted the urge to squirm in happiness.

“That’s a lot of effort…why?”

“Because someone needs to help you. Hair is important to magic, like you said. I also taught Laios, he’ll do it while I’m gone.”

“He’s too busy for that!”

“He’ll do it while I’m gone,” Falin repeated calmly. “And if he has a meeting, one of the castle caretakers has agreed to help.”

“It’s just hair—"

“I don’t care,” Falin cut in. It was rare to hear anger in her voice, and it coming on so suddenly startled Marcille. “I hate that this was taken from you”.

They sat for a moment in silence, Marcille overwhelmed by all Falin had done for her. Falin continued braiding, crossing the strands of hair slowly and meticulously. Then…

“I wish I could have been there,” Falin muttered. “I wish I could have helped you.”

Marcille bit her lip. “There was nothing you could have done. I made my choice, and these are the consequences”.

“If I’d been there, I could have stopped you.”

Falin could be so stubborn when she wanted to be. Marcille sighed.

“Laios, Senshi and Chilchuck did stop me, though. And the reason you weren’t there was my fault. I turned you into a chimera!

“Didn’t you promise you’d stop beating yourself up about that? It was a decision you and my brother made together, right? And you saved my life.”

Marcille wanted to shake her head, but resisted. It still baffled her how easily Falin had forgiven her. Not just forgiven her—it was like what Marcille had done barely bothered her.

Falin tightened the ribbon around her hair. “There, that looks okay, right?” ‘

Marcille glanced at her bedroom. “It’s perfect.” She couldn’t really tell how good the braid was anymore, but if Falin had done it, it was perfect to her.

She didn’t want to get up again. Falin was so close to her, she could feel her body heat. So maybe they could keep arguing a little longer. “I wasn’t beating myself up, I was just stating a fact. And if that’s how it is, you need to stop regretting not being there! Neither of us can change the past.

Falin was silent for a few seconds. Then, she said, “You’re right.”

Ugh. She’d wanted Falin to fight her on that. Now there was no stalling. Falin was probably going to tell Marcille she had to get going any minute.

Instead, Falin did something unexpected. She leaned forward and embraced Marcille from behind. Her body pressed against her back. Marcille was sure she was going to die from ectasy They’d hugged so many times before this, but somehow this seemed different.

“There are some regrets I think I’ll have a hard time getting over, though,” Falin whispered. “Like not getting to see you in that black dress.”

Marcille squawked. “Who told you about that? I bet it was someone making fun of me again!”

“A little, probably,” Falin said, resting her chin on Marcille’s shoulder. “But I’m serious. I know I would have really liked seeing you in that dress. For a lot of reasons.”

“Are you…you’re not…” Marcille sputted. “What reasons?”

Falin couldn’t be saying what Marcille hoped she was saying. It would be too good to be true. But…

“Oh, I wasn’t making it clear? Sorry!” Out of the corner of her eye, Marcille could see that Falin’s entire face turning as rosy as her cheeks. “I’ll be clear. Marcille, I love you.” Falin paused for a beat. “Romantically, I mean. And I want to see you in the dress because I think you’re cute. Is…that clear? Or did I misunderstand your feelings?” A note of panic entered her voice. She loosened her arms around Marcille and pulled away

"You…you didn’t misunderstand,” Marcille said in a high-pitched squeak.

“Good!” Falin exhaled, limp with relief. “I thought I really messed up for a second there.”

Marcille’s hands were shaking, but she scooted around and clasped Falin’s hands. They met each other’s gaze and she felt like the sun was shining through Falin’s eyes, so brilliantly it hurt to look at, but at the same time couldn’t look away.

“It’s like a dream,” Marcille murmured. “This was the last thing I expected you to say today.”

“I know it’s strange timing. I just didn’t feel like I could leave before letting you know.” Falin bit her lip. “Though I guess that’s a little unfair. Maybe I should have waited until I got back.”

“No, no, no, you shouldn’t have waited, I’ve done enough waiting, I—” She couldn’t be still, the mixture of elation and shock and love was bursting out of her. She stood up, accidentally tugging on Falin’s hand and making her lurch forward. But Falin didn’t seem to mind. She leapt up too with a big smile on her face.

“But …are you sure about me?” Marcille babbled. “You might meet someone better than me while traveling. And you know, being on your own, you might realize you don’t need me, that I’ve stifled you, and seeing the world will change you and change your mind…”

Shut up! Shut up! She screamed at herself. But she couldn’t help it, her fears were pouring out her mouth in a torrent.

“Marcille,” Falin said, somehow both sweet and stern. Marcille snapped her mouth shut immediately. “I’m not going to find anyone better. That’s not possible. Yes, I’m changing a lot. I would have been so afraid to do anything like this before. I bet I’ll have all kind of experiences, see all sorts of things… but loving you, wanting to come back to you…that’s a part of me that will never change.”

Marcille threw herself in Falin’s arms. She hugged her fiercely, letting Falin’s warmth, her scent, her everything envelope her. Soft feathers tickled her face as she nuzzled into Falin’s chest.

“Do they bother you?” Falin nodded toward her feathers.

“No, they feel nice. I like them.” It felt weird to say that, when she was the one who’d forced them on her. “Do you still like them?”

“Of course! They’re so cool!” Falin’s eyes sparkled with excitement. “I’m so strong and fast now too! It almost feels like a tiny dragon’s keeping me company. I’ll never be lonely.”

“Only you would look at it that way,” Marcille chuckled. She was so full of love for this ridiculous woman. “But I’m glad you won’t feel lonely.”

She would be lonely, though.. She’d actually considered getting over her disgust for fairies and making one for Falin to bring, that way she could check in with Marcille.

But that would be overbearing. She needed to let Falin have time to herself. She was the calm, laid back Marcille now, after all.

“I asked Shuro to leave his bells with me, would you want to take the other one with you, just in case something happens, not that you have to, but we both thought it might be safer!” She said in a rush.

So much for laid back Marcille.

  “I’m not sure how well that would work,” Falin mused. “It’s not like you could just teleport there to help me, and honestly, I think I might lose it. But I appreciate that you and Shuro care.”

“I…I get it.”

Falin hugged her tighter. “I’ll be fine. I’ve got the dragon with me, remember? And I’ll write to you all the time, I promise.

“You better,” Marcille muttered into her feathers.

They stood there in silence for a minute, Marcille wishing they could just stay like this forever. She was a little jealous of the dragon right now. Maybe she’d even be willing to become a monster, if it meant she and Falin could be a part of each other

Falin’s touch suddenly turned timid. Her eyes flicked nervously to the side.

“There’s…” Falin’s voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “There’s… one more thing I want to do before I leave.”

Marcille cupped her hands around Falin’s cheeks. “Me too.”

Falin offered a shy smile and Marcille returned it.

And then, finally, they kissed.

It was clumsy, full of all the awkwardness of a first kiss, but it was also perfect. Years of yearning and heartache lifted as she drank Falin in. She was light as air now.

When they pulled apart, they both started laughing euphorically. Falin picked Marcille off the ground and spun her around while Marcille shrieked in joy.

Falin put her down, grinning. “I could kiss you forever.”

“Well, then, you better make sure to come back,” Marcille said, tucking a lock of Falin’s hair behind her ear.

“I will.” Falin raised Marcille’s hand and gently kissed her knuckles. Then she led her out of the bedroom by the hand.

"Laios hasn’t been waiting for us this whole time, has he?” Marcille asked.

“No, I told him I was planning to stay for lunch. I’m hungry, aren’t you?”

“Famished.”

When she saw Falin coming up the path, Marcille ran out the door and hurled herself into her arms. Falin was a little different now, her smile more easy, the muscles in her arm more developed, her fangs a little more pronounced…but she was still Falin. That hadn’t changed.

They kissed deeply. Falin dipped Marcille slightly as she did, and Marcille held her tightly.

“How was your trip?” Marcille asked breathlessly when they broke away.

“It was wonderful. I saw so many incredible things,” Falin said, setting Marcille back on her feet. “Including…” She reached into one of her bags and produced a black dress. It wasn’t exactly like the one Marcille had worn back then, but it was shockingly similar. The corset stitching, the puffy long sleeves, all of it was there

“Now I’ll finally get see you in this,” Falin said cheerfully. “Do you like it?

Marcille went beet red, steam practically coming out her ears. “You little��!” She swatted Falin lightly on the arm, “I cannot believe you …Oh, it is pretty cute though…No, I’m still mad! How did you even know what it looked like?”

Falin took Marcille’s hand. “I got a lot of help.”

“I will kill Laios,” she said as they walked toward the castle. There he was, waving at them from the door, no idea about his impending death. “Will you be staying here a while?”

“Of course I will. I missed you.” Falin said. “But I’m not finished traveling. Maybe you can come with me once in a while.

“I don’t know if I can leave my position for long. Laios needs my—”

“He can handle himself for a couple weeks,” Falin said, waving back at her brother. “He’s very capable.”

“The elves might still be watching…”

“We’ll say it’s a research expedition.”

“You’re not giving up on this, are you?”

“No. Falin pulled her close. “Now let’s go home.”

They walked arm in arm, ready for the future that was waiting.

---

And that's that! The previous Farcille fics I did didn't have the "real" Falin as a character, so it was nice to finally write her. She's a tricky one (her highest stat is mystery after all). She seems a lot more confident and willing to show her true feelings post-resurrection, so I leaned into that. Hopefully I did okay! And I was covering a LOT of ground in this one, so hopefully it all flowed all right.

[starlightshore]

hello! i've been enjoying "winning hats" quite the amount! love me a loop wins au. i have a question: why does loop act like they've never had a human body before? XD they DID get turned into some kind of star entity, but only for a few months... i'm not so baffled or anything, i can think of a zillion reasons for all the reactions (like 1; this technically isn't their body, so they're somewhat unfamiliar with THIS form, specifically. (it's not their spit, it's someone's else's spit, ew there's someone else's spit in their mouth ew) 2; the guilt and knowledge of having STOLEN the body changes their view on it a bit, lots of disgust and shame because. this is someone else's CORPSE. the corpse of someone they cared about, even. and 3; those few months may have just REALLY thrown them off. like when you're away from your house for a while and then you come back and are bothered by things that didn't used to bother you) but i was wondering if you had any thoughts you wanted to share, or if there's something i'm missing! :P

No, you've hit the nail on the head for the majority of it!

My headcanon was that even though it was only, hm, roughly 3-4 months (over 100 of Stardust's loops) that's still like, a quarter of a year?? that's A LONG time to be a non-organic being. They didn't have a mouth, they couldn't eat nor drink and their sleep was less so "sleep" and more astral projecting. No dreams, no lungs, no internal anatomy, or anything to cling onto.

Their body wasn't bone and flesh, it was a void of space and stars. They didn't have nerves or a heart, everything must have felt so distant and numbing. How horrifying it must be to become something so other, so unrecognizable. Nobody would recognize you, you don't even recognize you.

And this is all happening after what seems like potentially years of being in a death-based time loop. I don't know if that's a literal amount of years because I don't really trust Loop to have counted accurately. They didn't have their own Loop to bounce back off and they were,,, doing far worse than Stardust.

At this point, regardless of the actual amount of loops, it felt like years.

I imagine they went without eating/drinking/sleeping completely by the end of it. They dissociated and treated their body like it was disposable. Their reaction to the knife makes me think Loop realized after the fact how damaging their mental state was, which was a huge factor in their "special kind of giving up."

From Loop's perspective... they haven't been human in a long, long time.

So even for me, it's going to be annoying to have Loop have to remember that the loops are over every time they get up, but I think it's important to show just how fucked their mind is when it comes to this. They know what they were like before the loops -they saw Stardust's descent into the loops so it's all fairly recent. But, haha, I think that'd even be more jarring? To see yourself outside of who you are, to really hammer home how much that isn't you anymore.

TLDR; So it's a combo of 3/4 months of being a cryptid and year(s) of dissociation and general Being Fucked Up that's created this unique cocktail of "wtf I have a body that's bizarre!"

Hope that helps explain things a bit deeper, thank you so much for reading and engaging with it!

[d1s1ntegrated]

okay guys so. here's some updates!

-my grandma died. (not sigma.)

-i got the infinite hours glitch at work (im working sm now)

-i'm broke af still cause i honestly genuinely truthfully laurv grocery shopping too much (the horrors of the economy are incomprehensible)

-i love homicipher!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways. that's basically it. i'm trying to get back in here cause i feel so bad for all the unanswered prompts and asks in my inbox. i know i kinda flopped. im doing my best!!

also small announcement below the cut!!! especially considering ive been experimenting more with dead dove/nonconventional topics and themes.

first thing; i made a side blog for my dead dove and other extreme fics. the reason why i'm doing this is bc some people don't want to see that kind of stuff- and that's totally okay! and ik the filtering/blocking tags thing doesn't always work, especially for more "niche" topics.

i plan on branching out my repertoire by writing about topics that are "scary" or "new" to me- so this little counterpart to my blog will make it easier for me to post things that aren't typically sought after by the gen. pop. things like sickfics, whump, noncon, and other graphic or heavy themes.

in addition/addendum to that:

idk if this is common knowledge for any of my followers, moots, etc, but i have a severe phobia of vomit. like. huge. and at my big ass age of 21 (lol) i think it's time to start...getting through that fear. i've struggled with contamination OCD for a really long time and it's something i never thought id even try to overcome- but then i came across a creator on here who makes fetish art- which def wasn't something i was looking to encounter. but like a car crash, i couldn't stop looking at their work and i ended up coming across a post of theirs where they explain that they do what they do to get over their fear. at first i was fucking baffled as to how they couldn't manage to do that, but i get it now. taking something innately fucking horrifying and flipping the narrative so casually can be cathartic, and i finally after over a year of contemplation, gave it a whirl in my own writing. i mean, what better way to get over something by attacking it from my best angle??

typically this isn't something i'd ever consider doing. but...here we are. and i feel like im doing myself, and other people who feel the same way, a disservice by hiding this type of content in my notes app, never to be seen by anyone but me.

my blog has always been a safe space for the freaks and weirdos, and i want to keep facilitating that space while also keeping it enjoyable for all crowds. so by keeping a little separation between the two blogs, it'll ensure i feel comfortable, and others do too. i'm not gonna force everyone who follows me to come across some crazy fetish content they didn't sign up for, especially when previously i'd stated i don't write that kind of stuff. but alas people change and grow and i don't want to stifle myself from writing good things because im too afraid of judgement or my own insecurities.

i think kink is a very important thing in the fanfic world, because it allows the writer, as well as the audience, to connect on an even further level through the delivery of fetish content. as someone who hyperfixates on the development and accumulation of fetish and kinks, especially from a psychological level, this is something i was considering in the past- but not to this level, yk? like yeah, i could continue to just write sweet little hcs of softgaraki, and i love doing that, but also...like, i need these freak ass men to live their truths, and i need to live mine.

with that all being said, @compendiumofdecay is where these nasty fics will be for any and all who are interested.

[kiseiakhun]

For long, long seconds, Roy considers ignoring the shrill beep at his bedside. And then he groans and rolls over, groping for his phone and squinting at the bright glare. K. Rayner, it says, to his mild alarm. He can't remember the last time he talked to Kyle one on one. Years, probably. If he's calling it must be important.

"H'llo?" He asks, staring directly at the dim night light to try and wake himself up.

"Roy!" In contrast to his sleep-rough rasp, Kyle sounds way too chipper. "You said Hal was sort of like your second dad, right? I'm so sorry."

"... did you seriously call me at," he pulls the phone away from his cheek, glancing at the time, "three in the morning just to say that?"

"What? No. Of course not. Why would I do that?" Kyle's words trip into each other like they can't come out fast enough. "Look, uh." And then he falls quiet.

Roy waits.

And waits.

And waits.

"Rayner."

"Don't get mad, okay?"

"Kyle," Roy almost snaps, in the same tone he uses when Lian gets too rambunctious.

"Okay, so." Another too-long beat of silence. "Do you know why Hal would just... leave out the window after we... uh..."

Roy tries to not jump to conclusions. He really tries. "After you...?"

"After we, uh. We. Are you really going to make me say it?"

"You slept with Hal?!"

"Hey," Kyle says defensively, "you said you wouldn't be mad!"

"... and he jumped out the window?"

"Well, not right after, but - but. Yeah." Kyle groans. "What the fuck, Roy? Why would he do that?"

Roy can't help it. He laughs. He laughs and doesn't stop laughing for at least a solid minute. "Oh, man," he says, once he stops, "you must be an awful lay."

"You know I'm not!" Kyle had been waiting in sullen silence, and he sounds nothing if not like a petulant teenager. Roy can picture him pouting on the other side of the line. "It was good! It was - it was really, really good, actually, and then he just," and his tone abruptly drops from animated to sounding like a kicked puppy, "and then he just left."

Roy wipes the tears from his eyes and tries to be serious, because Kyle does sound a little upset, but mostly he just seems baffled. "Sorry, man, I don't know. You could ask Ollie."

"I am not asking Ollie." And now he sounds horrified.

"Dinah?"

"You're no help," Kyle groans.

"Did he really go out the window? He didn't leave a note or anything?"

"No," Kyle bit out. "And that was half an hour ago, so I'm pretty sure he's not coming back."

"Sorry. I'll ask him if I see him again."

"Don't - you know what? Sure. Go ahead and ask him."

"Could be mind control," Roy says absently, wondering how much Kyle would kill him if he told Wally. And Hal, actually. Hal would kill him first. Nah, the risk is not worth it. ...maybe. Maybe it's a little worth it. "Maybe you should suit up and check that he's not lying in a ditch somewhere. Or a zombie. Or-"

"Well, that's horrifying." Something clicks in the background as Kyle presumably pushes open the same window Hal had left out of half an hour ago. "You really think that's possible?"

"Stranger things have happened."

Kyle makes a dubious hum. "Great. I've never worried about sex zombies in my life, but now I'm worried. Thanks."

"It's not the sex zombies you should worry about," Roy says in the tone of someone who knows too much, "it's the people with too many feathers."

"I can't tell if you're fucking with me or not."

"And if anyone tries to fuck you in a cave, just don't. Don't do it."

"I'm hanging up before you can give me any more nightmares."

"Say hi to Hal for me!"

"Goodbye, Roy."

[fadingmuse]

Story Time!

It's been a while so I'm gonna give you guys something a little juicy. I've been holding back on this because this moment means a lot to me and I wanted to keep it to myself, plus, he told me to keep it a secret from my friends and other teachers lol. but now, I figured there's no harm in sharing. It's been close to a decade, and my friends still don't know about it anyway.

I've mentioned before that we used to talk a LOT, to the point that we text each other after school. The conversations were always random, we rarely talked about school, mosty music, family, hobbies, literally everything. Aside from him being my (ex) tc, I was glad that there was an adult other than my parents that I could rely on.

One night we were texting as usual. It was maybe around 9pm, and since my sleep schedule was still normal back then, I told him that I was done for the night and about to get some shut-eye. We bid eachother goodnight and that was that.

A couple of minutes later, I heard a notification from my phone. I picked it up and it was from H. I thought it was urgent since we already ended our conversatiom earlier so I instantly opened it.

It was a LONG text. By the tone of the text, I figured that it wasn't meant for me, but the text was loooooong. Like, REALLY long. So I had no idea how he didn't notice who he was texting when he typed all that. At first I contemplated about reading the whole thing, but being curious, I went through with it.

By the time I finished reading it, I was still confused because I understand none of it. I have no idea what he and the other person was talking about. Not a clue. But then H bombarded me with texts saying things like,

"I'm sorry oh god that wasn't meant for you!"

"Did you read it already? Tell me you didn't."

"..Please don't think less of me, I'm sorry."

By then, I was baffled. I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to think?

I told him that it was fine, that I would delete the text if he wanted me to, and that I don't even undersgand what it all means. So there's nothing to be worry about.

"You don't understand about any of it?"

"No? Am I supposed to?"

And just like that he opened up to me.

Just a disclaimer, at this stage he was in his 20s. He was still young. I realized that now, but back then? I never given it any thought. I knew that he has a life outside of being a teacher, but I've had view him as what I first knew him as. Mr. H. That's why I was shocked when he told about his 'hobby'.

He (used to) street race. Yep. Street race. The text that he 'accidentally' sent me was of him talking to his friend about the strategic (?) of the next race and such. It's okay if you guys don't believe me because if I were you guys, I would have a hard time believing it too cause what kind of wattpad shit is this?

I didn't know what to think. I mean, this was a whole new side of him. Of course, at my age now, I think it's hot (forgive me). But back then I was horrified, mostly worried. He kept apologizing, begging me not to think less of him, saying that he's still him. Looking back now it wasn't even that big of a deal, but I was a goody 2 shoes back then so I understamd where he was coming from. And he was right, I WAS worried.

I assured him that I won't tell anyone and that I don't think less of him. But I still told him that I don't like him doing it and that I hope he doesn't do this often (lol the AUDACITY). The more shocking development is that he straight up promised that he won't do it again. I mean, I have no idea if he held true to that promise but to this day, it still warms my heart knowing that he cared.

The whole week after that conversation he treated as if I was a flight risk. He kept reaching out to me, staring at me, asking if I still wanna be friends. I had to keep reasurring him that everything was fine. Eventually, he calmed down. In fact, he ended up being more open to me than ever. He used to tell me everything, but after that incident, he tells me EVERYTHING. So I guess it turned out to be a happy accident.

I kind of have a feeling that he actually wanted me to know this side of him. The text he sent me was long as hell, I seriously don't know how he didn't notice my name while he was typing. Plus, I had no idea what he was talking about, he could've just moved on and tell me to forget about it. Why did he choose to explain it to me?

I guess I'll never know.

[jimblejamblewritings]

Immortal Dark by Tigest Girma Review-ish

I have a love-hate relationship with this book. Like, 100% I will be buying the next one (special edition too if they have it) and will be buying the third one whenever they come out. And I found it more enjoyable than a lot of the books I've been reading lately. But at the same time my rating is sitting around a 2.5-3.5 stars. It fluctuates a lot.

So I was thinking more about it and I'm still not fully sure why I'm not completely vibing despite liking the book but I realized there are just some things I would change and it doesn't stem from the book only or Tigest Girma (she's very talented). It stems more from the kind of standard conventions of dark academia, romantasy, enemies to lovers, and vampire books.

Vampires and the whole "I'm a monster" never feels fully acknowledged? It's like if we do then you can't have the romance aspect. But with so many stories, this one included, the vampires are genuinely horrifying and they never really redeem themselves but still get the lust and romance immediately. The amount of people that just hate Kidan and feel so bad for Susenyos baffles me. Like he sucks. He's genuinely awful to her but somehow it's poor Susenyos?

Don't get me wrong, Kidan has a membership to the dumb bitch club because some of her choices confused the hell out of me. But that doesn't negate Susenyos' actions to me.

Then I started thinking about how I would have liked some of the book to be changed. My thoughts below the cut:

Starting with background: First, I think the magic of Houses would have to be explored. Not deeply because there's two more books but a little more in depth than what it's touched on. It would be cool if the Houses at Uxlay still have magic and can set House laws because the families have the blood of Sages or of the Last Sage but it is so watered down that the magic is only strong enough when they work together like in Uxlay.

So maybe Demasus didn't ask the Last Sage to kill in order to understand vampires and allow the bind. What he really asked was for the Sages to never have the power the Last Sage had again, that they never be allowed to wield enough strength for them to end vampires. And even other vampires don't know this. This could be a revelation over the trilogy.

Onto plot changes of book 1: I don't think Kidan should have purposefully killed Mama Anoet. I know the book is meant to be a female rage story but female rage comes in many forms. A lot of novels only depict one kind but there's also the slow stewing rage or the quiet rage that comes to a head in a large explosion with lots of different emotions. So this wouldn't kill the rage just kind of change the form a bit. But the reason the murder of Mama Anoet wouldn't be purposeful is because it could set the crumbs for the whole Sages aren't actually extinct because the families stem from those bloodlines.

Kidan could still torture Mama Anoet to get the name Susenyos but she plans on letting her go. However with her heightened emotions, the same way she accidentally controlled House Adane, she ends up controlling the foster home and the lights or the gas breaks and causes a fire. Kidan goes to save herself and realizes Mama Anoet is tied up inside but it's too late. Her neighbors and the press (especially without any valid explanation of magic) would still think she's a murderer especially because Kidan has no way to properly vocalize that the house spontaneously caught fire.

Everything else would be the same as Girma originally wrote it up to the point where Ramyn is killed. Kidan still believes Susenyos did it because Ramyn's crime scene matches June and she still takes his flask to give to Professor Andreyas and the Head Detective for dna evidence to find out if Susenyos was responsible or not.

But when Susenyos is tweaking because his flask of blood is missing, Kidan would be more scared. This is the true first time she's witnessed vampire powers and strength, especially when Susenyos grabs her. The immense anger would start to be competing with fear as she comes to terms with the fact that she is human trying to go up against the vampire. She wouldn't revel in de-fanging Susenyos while he's still dangerous, she'd just yank them out. But realize that now that he's de-fanged she can ask about June "safely". He still lies like in the original text out of spite of being de-fanged.

GK can still be weary of Kidan like when he asks before the Acti Gala how long did she watch Ramyn before alerting them. Kidan could internally want to say the truth that she thought she was hallucinating June at first but the words die on her tongue and she's just angry at him for what he's insinuating because it reminds her of all her neighbors and the media insinuating she killed Mama Anouet. Kidan starts to feel more powerless about people not believing her whether she's telling the truth or not.

Then the next big thing I would change is when Kidan sneaks into the Southern Sost building. I love vampire books but I've always felt like vampire bites and just a lot of stuff revolving around them is very metaphorical for SA and lack of consent and I wish that was utilized more. Unlike with humans (and because it wouldn't be actual SA but revolving around bites) vampires are monsters that get leeway from readers because of it. It would take more work but romance could still happen with them unlike with humans in other fiction that commit these types of atrocities. So I would lean into it.

This does change the romance a lot. The structure would have to become Susenyos realizing he needs to change in Book 1, doing everything to just be a better person and realize he’s actually in love with Kidan in Book 2, and then Kidan realizing he’s a safe person and it’s alright to love him in Book 3.

When Susenyos catches Kidan and ties her up to the towel rack, I would make her panic attack at the amount of steam choking her more visceral because it reminds her of the smoke from the house fire that killed Mama Anouet. Instead of her being vicious with lots of bite, the panic attack would really freak her out and change the rest of the interaction in the building. She's shaking when Susenyos finally unties her from the rack and makes her wait in the lounge with Taj. The reason she's not talking is because she's still trying to calm herself down, not that the vampires care or realize. Susenyos still demands the apology in front of all the other vampires and Kidan gives it but he doesn't think it's good enough and demands she apologize for defanging him just like in the original. Kidan is confused because he asked her, commanded her to remove the fangs.

Susenyos is enraged by her apology/statement and this is where I would introduce the concept of having already made a vow and killing for pleasure essentially means a vampire can feed on you without their eyes turning red instead of introducing later like in the original. All (or a good chunk of) the vampires truly believe she killed Mama Anouet because Susenyos definitely didn’t keep quiet about the video he saw of the torture. Susenyos would basically admit he’s been controlling himself solely because he doesn’t want Kidan to involve Dean Farris again since this time could be his last time if that happens. But now that she’s entered a forbidden building to uninvited acti and refuses to give him a worthy apology, he can do what he wants because she won’t go to the Dean. And I think he should bite her. He was set up as a horrible monster, even though he's the eventual love interest, lean into the horrible monster.

Susenyos drinks her blood and, because she trespassed into their building, is perfectly fine with the other vampires biting her. I don't know if they would or not but whether a few of them get the chance or none of them do, everyone would stop when they notice Susenyos’ eyes. And they realize either they were wrong about Kidan and Mama Anouet or something else is going on. They're all lowkey freaking out and just like the original Susenyos makes Taj take Kidan home.

This would be Kidan's weakest moment where she grabs the vial of fake poison that her Aunt gave her in the letter. Kidan's mind is everywhere that she doesn't remember the poison is fake and just apologizes to imaginary June over and over again for not being able to help her and for leaving her before she downs the poison and goes to bed. In the morning, Susenyos notices like he does in the original but Kidan doesn't want to admit that she forgot the poison is fake and doesn't want to give him ammunition against her so she goes along with him believing it's real.

I wouldn't have other major changes aside from Kidan full on avoiding Susenyos when she can and her also feeling hurt that GK is suspicious of her. The next change would be the discovery of the poison being fake and the cellar. So for the cellar the only change would be Kidan figures out the House law takes away Susenyos' immortality without taunting him but obviously he's still so enraged she finds out that he locks her in the cellar. Now for Iniko biting Kidan is not given enough attention for the absolute lack of consent.

I would focus more on Kidan actively telling her no and Iniko not caring because she has to discover the truth. When Susenyos and Taj come running in this would be the moment where even Taj loses Kidan’s tentative trust. He’s choosing to protect her perpetrator without even really checking that Kidan is alright after what happened.

She’s trapped in the cellar until Été comes back which I think should be for a couple of days instead of a few hours. This causes her to miss the allotted number of Dranacti classes allowed. Professor Andreyas is apologetic but tells her he has to dismiss her for the year. All of Kidan’s words fall on deaf ears. Professor Andreyas tries to console her by saying because she witness Ramyn's death, Susenyos has already been informed that he can't kick her out of the House until the complete trial is over and maybe by then they'll get along. Kidan doesn't believe this will happen but she doesn't really have a choice so she leaves. This will be where she runs into Slen who tells her of the plan to frame Susenyos.

Everything happens as it does in the books until we get to the trial. Kidan confesses everything at the trial. But the truth not an attempt to just get Susenyos out of trouble. Truthfully, I was so enraged at the original text when the Dean goes “Susenyos, do you want to press defamatory charges?” like this dude was a horrible person to her, let's not act like Kidan was lying about everything now. Kidan would spill her guts from the beginning including what happened to Mama Anouet and that she swears she didn't set the house on fire. Everyone is stunned. A Scion asks if they can bite her to confirm that absolute bombshells she just dropped on everyone and Kidan is scared but lets it happen. They confirm that she's telling the truth and Susenyos is tentatively let go. The Dean tells him that while Kidan sneaking in to the Sost Building already received her punishment in the worst way possible that doesn't excuse literally everything else he did or allowed to happen and is she wants to press charges she will. Kidan is tired and states she just wants to find her sister.

GK apologizes for not being weary of Kidan. Also Slen and Yusef wouldn't be on trial as Kidan never witnessed either on of them doing anything and only has secondhand accounts from what they've said so those two still go to class but essentially they're being forced to continue their studies until they can have their trials. So the narrative would turn from Slen and Yusef friendship with Kidan to focusing on GK's friendship with Kidan. He walks her back to the House and makes sure she's in safely.

Susenyos and some of the other vampires are there and this is where we get the change starting in Susenyos. It's not a big change. But he realizes exactly what they've done when Kidan is kind of glued to her spot, looking like she wants to flee but unsure if she would even make it to her room fast enough. Whether it's then or a little later, Susenyos would invite her into Sost building for the bath area and I think he should be the one to give the speech relating to The Mad Lovers and makes the promise to help her with her sister.

Everything else should go the same until Cossia Day. Really, what made me even think of these re-writes is because in the original text Tigest mentions how Kidan is physically shaking from fear when Susenyos grabs the other vampire's spine and nearly kills him to the point where Taj has to physically comfort her and keep telling her that Susenyos isn't angry with her. I think that moment should have way more build up so we understand why Kidan would be so shaken up. But I like the bit where the evil vamp wants Susenyos to kneel or he'll kill Kidan who got too close while he still had strength and Susenyos pretends to do it but then is a little shit and points out he hasn't actually kneeled yet and that he would never kneel (because you know, he used to be a king and all that). I think the bathroom fight with the group of vamps that try to corner Kidan should be the same. Really all I would change was after Susenyos rescues her, he's been internally doing the work and they've always had tension so he's ready to do the do like in the original text.

But he notices very quickly that Kidan isn't into it. This is another redeeming moment for Susenyos (not because he understands consent which is the bare minimum) because he realizes that he's been contextualizing everything still as a vampire not seeing things from the lens of a human. She needs time where as a vampire would've been able to move on already. Susenyos has his big moment where he actually kneels in front of Kidan and apologizes, promises to help her with no strings attached, and will do whatever he must to earn her trust.

It would continue as normal until the meeting of the Nefrasi. It's a cliche but instead of having to save GK and all that, Kidan should just be kidnapped when she leaves Uaxley campus just to see what's around and call it a day. When they call Susenyos, he shows up without hesitation to save her. There's too many of them and he's losing so Kidan says she'll take one of them as a second companion in addition to Susenyos once she passes Dranacti class. This would probably be the classic back and forth bargaining with Susenyos and Kidan where each tries to sacrifice themself and save the other. In the end Samson would agree to Kidan's idea just like in the original and lets both her and Susenyos go. When they get home, Kidan realizes that by coming to save her, the House has taken away all of Susenyos' immortality because he broke the House law. And she doesn't feel like it is fair because by saving her, he isn't betraying House Adane but protecting it. Susenyos isn't mad, this is a selfless choice he made knowing the consequences and he was ready to accept them wholeheartedly. Maybe it's his own self punishment and he feels he deserves it after whatever he put Kidan through.

The rest of the book is the same but the revelation that June willingly left with the Nefrasi and thinks they're good people should be a culmination of Kidan's sadness and anger. This is her real breaking point and Susenyos can't do anything to stop it but is there to try and stop her from destroying the entirety of the house.

At the end when Samson shows up and brings June, in the original a doorknob crushes under Kidan's hold and this shows she has mastery over the entire house. I think (especially since it's in 3rd person) the focus (hear me out) should be on Susenyos. He notices/feels that he's gained his immortality back at least in the foyer/living room and realizes then the power Kidan holds as she has not only mastered the House (probably during her breakdown at June's betrayal) but has also started the process of rewriting the House Law and she doesn't even realize it yet. He knows that no matter what Samson (and maybe even June) try to do, they aren't going to accomplish that task.

I don't know. That's just my two cents. Anyway, I will be reading the next 2 books when they come out. And they better just be 2 books. I hate this trend of saying "it's a trilogy... actually it's a series with 5 books" just don't say anything then and go "there will be multiple books". But, yes, I think Tigest wrote a good book and I'm intrigued at where it's going.

[droughtofapathy]

The Gilded Age's Broadway Divas: Susan Blane (Laura Benanti)

Newly widowed Susan Blane has one purpose on this show, and apparently it's to get railed by a younger man and then get chased off by his mother and have her heart broken. Again. And then we never see her again. The end. Justice for Susan.

Now, I will preface this by saying that Laura Benanti lands outside my scope of interest--she's a little young for my tastes. However, I've always been amused and delighted by her performances, and I appreciate how raunchy she is, even if the quirkyness can be a bit...much at times. Laura is a five-time Tony nominee who won in 2008 for her role as Louise in Gypsy alongside Patti LuPone.

Starting off young, Laura Benanti made her Broadway debut at eighteen as the understudy to the late great Rebecca Luker's Maria in The Sound of Music, and eventually replaced her. She's had roles as Cinderella in Into the Woods (2002), Candela in Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, and Eileen Sherwood in the Encores! Wonderful Town opposite Donna Murphy, our beloved Mrs. Astor.

#1: "Wouldn't it be Loverly?" My Fair Lady (2018)

Lincoln Center is soprano territory. As one of the classical soprano dying breeds, Laura took over the role of Eliza Doolittle from Lauren Ambrose in the recent Broadway Revival. Her Eliza was older than most (Laura was on the cusp of forty when the took the role), and a delight, I must say. This show is, of course, a classic, and as such is dated like a classic. The production did attempt to give Eliza more agency, and it seemed to go over fine.

As Susan Blane spends most of her time in the white clothing of Newport, I just kept thinking about the Ascot Gavotte the entire time. The ladies of Newport would fit right in at the racetrack.

Fellow soprano Kelli O'Hara has also played this role in a different Lincoln Center theater back in 2007.

#2: "Model Behavior," Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (2011)

A critical failure despite its stellar cast, this show closed in less than three months, but nevertheless earned Laura a Tony nomination and a Drama Desk. Watching this masterclass of a breakdown, you can see why. Set in 80s Spain, the show features Candela, played by Laura, who's freaking out because her romantic interest might be a terrorist. But other than that, he's perfect. She sure knows how to pick 'em...

Tension behind the scenes between leading lady Sherie Rene Scott and Diva Patti LuPone made things a little...well. Anyway.

#3: Laura Benanti & The Skivvies - Passion Massion (2014)

So, I'm gonna be honest, I was going to go with a different Skivvies video, but then I saw Sexy Fosca, and I am baffled, horrified, and delighted.

The Skivvies is a hilarious cabaret group that performs, as you can imagine, in their underwear, and they have guest singers come on, also dressed in lingerie and other underthings. Most of their guest singers are working theatre actors, but sometimes we get Laura Benanti. She was a Skivvies regular for a time, and has a collection of comedic clips you can all enjoy on your own time.

#4: "Vanilla Ice Cream," She Loves Me (2015)

Broadway sopranos pass around roles like hot potatoes. Kelli O'Hara played Amalia Balash in the 2001 concert, and while some members of the cast transferred to Broadway five years later, Kelli was already in The King and I, and since Broadway has like four sopranos of this age that they rotate around, enter Laura Benanti. Though the show and her role was largely overshadowed by a little show called Hamilton that season, the production has a PBS proshot I'd recommend watching.

She Loves Me is yet another adaptation of an early 30s Hungarian play that was also the inspiration for You've Got Mail, so if you've seen that, you know the plot of this. (Side note: Gilded Age's Katie Finneran had a small role as Maureen, the Nanny who runs off with the kids' mother(?) I've never seen it, and that plot wasn't in the musical.)

#5: "So Many People," Saturday Night (2010)

If you thought we were going to get through Laura Benanti without a Sondheim, guess again. While Audra McDonald and Donna Murphy were part of the Ladies in Red, Laura Benanti instead gave us the other oft-sung cabaret number of Saturday Night in the Joanna Gleason dress, only reversed in color. Look it up and you'll see what I mean.

Laura was the last person to perform before the Ladies in Red segment, and thus isn't often remembered. But I remember. (Incidentally, "I Remember" is the song she sang for the Sondheim 90th.)

LINK TO MASTERPOST

[not-poignant]

I'm not sure if you've answered this before, but I've read a lot of your work, and Efnisien has kind of become a favorite of mine and seeing how he's developed in AUs like FFS and UtB have you ever thought about how he might have developed had he not died in Game Theory?

Also, how do think the versions of Efnisien, Augus, and Gwyn in Canon Fae Tales, FFS, UtB would react to each other if they ever met or were made aware of the other's existence?

Hi hi anon!

I've answered this before but probably quite a while ago, while writing Falling Falling Stars in particular.

Tbh, Efnisien would have developed in Fae Tales by becoming more evil, and more depraved, and more awful. He was and remains to me a completely irredeemable character who was so cruel even Crielle thought it was extreme.

If Fae Tales Efnisien ever met any other version of Efnisien, he'd murder him. He'd probably torture him first and laugh about it, while grinding into his revealed organs. His heartsong has been Joy/Glee, simply because he loves cruelty and evil that much. He's like a pure distillation of someone who just doesn't need anything else if he has a knife and a squealing victim.

One of the challenges of writing Spoils of the Spoiled was how to make Efnisien more believably human and give him a back story that justified that. But Fae Tales Efnisien doesn't have that. He wasn't brainwashed or conditioned into being evil, he tried killing someone within about two days of being alive and loved inflicting pain from the moment he was born. Efnisien's response to meeting anyone from any other universe would be to torture and murder them. And probably laugh at them and mock them. I don't think any version of a human Efnisien would have much of an opportunity to do much more than be horrified, scream, and then die.

Imho, to me Fae Tales Efnisien and human Efnisien are two kind of different characters who look the same and have family members with the same names. But their upbringing was very different, and their capacity for compassion is different (one for example, has a capacity for compassion, the other doesn't).

Also, how do think the versions of Efnisien, Augus, and Gwyn in Canon Fae Tales, FFS, UtB would react to each other if they ever met or were made aware of the other's existence?

I'm never quite sure how to answer stuff like this otherwise. Augus would see a human version of Augus as food. I don't even think he'd truly recognise the similarity otherwise and just be like 'how unfortunate for you that you're a vulnerable delicious sack of meat who looks like me, by the way are you vegan by any chance.'

Gwyn likewise looks down on humans as like...interesting but largely annoying creatures that he's glad to have nothing to do with, and I think he'd consider any version of his human self to be weak in nature. I think he'd find a peak alpha Gwyn obnoxious and kind of laughable sldakfja

I'm not generally writing characters with a view that they should ever meet versions of themselves, but like, Augus and Gwyn are varying degrees of 'loathe humans' to 'don't care about humans' on the spectrum.

I think of Gwyn and Augus met Lone Wolf Gwyn and Augus that would be interesting, but I also think they'd mostly just... semi-get along and think something was very broken with the world if they ever met, and probably be like 'we should fix this because this should not be happening and we should not be meeting each other like this' lol. I think canon GT Gwyn would find Lone Wolf Gwyn too soft-natured and a bit spoiled but post-TIP Gwyn might find his life fascinating, and Lone Wolf Gwyn would probably have a different reaction depending on whether we're talking about pre-GT Gwyn, GT-Gwyn, post-GT Gwyn, post-COFT Gwyn, TIP Gwyn, or post-TIP Gwyn because...I don't like my main characters to stay the same x.x

Thought exercises like this are ultimately baffling to me. The only one I know how to answer easily is FT Efnisien vs. human Efnisien because to me that is like two different characters meeting, and FT Efnisien is extremely predictable because 'be cruel, torture, and kill while having the time of his life' is basically his entire character aside from 'love my Aunt so much it's creepy.'

[gareleia]

Had Worse

Chapter: 2/6

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Word count: 3403

Relationships: Edward Elric & Vato Falman & Team Mustang.

Tags: 5+1 Things, Pre-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Blood, Edward Elric Has Issues, Depressed Vato Falman, Language.

Summary: Where the fuck did the Colonel find this kid?

OR

5 times Edward said 'I've had worse' and horrified his poor innocent coworkers with his Tragic Backstory and 1 time he wasn't able to (to everyone's relief)

Read on AO3

It was unanimously agreed that out of everyone on the Mustang's unit Warrant Officer Vato Falman had the highest pain tolerance.

It was ironic, considering the fact that the man had been happily serving in intelligence for most of his career and was promptly put on desk duty upon joining the team. One would think that with First Lieutenant Havoc's habit of getting shot at at least once a month (if not on a mission then by a very pissed off relative of his current girlfriend-of-the-week) or with Colonel Roy Mustang's tendency to get in trouble on rainy days, the statistic would be different.

Appearances, however, were often deceiving. It was a very little known fact, but Falman was always in some kind of pain. A condition that had been passed onto him by his great-grandmother, relatively harmless if severely impairing his quality of life. It only really began to set in after he turned thirty and was well into his military career. The doctors' only advice was to suck it up, do his stretches and accept that his body was past its prime and would never again reach the same level of performance.

The combination of bad genes, steadily declining health and stress of both his wife and superior officers breathing down his neck took it's toll on Vato. At forty years old he already felt sixty, exhausted and hopeless, his bones and muscles burning for no good reason and his hair graying rapidly. It was quite possible the worst time of his life, and in his darkest moments he had to take a look at himself and wonder if anything he'd ever done was worth it.

Was that the end? Decades of sacrifices, dedication and hard work, all for nothing? So much time wasted holding onto his failing marriage, grasping at straws to advance his career, and that was all he got? Had he made all the wrong choices, every mistake imaginable, to end up alone and constantly in pain? Or was he simply unlucky, a victim of circumstance, and none of his suffering and struggles had any meaning?

What was the point of it all?

Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, had quite possibly saved Falman's life. Many things could be said about the man, concerning both his personality and work ethic, but it took one passing conversation after Major Hughes introduced them for him to offer Vato a position in his team.

Vato had nothing but his pain, no goals, no close friends, even his children were away and better off without him. He had nothing left to lose, so when the man with ash in his footsteps and inferno in his eyes reached out with his bloodied hand, Falman took it. And never looked back.

Damn the consequences. If he was destined to burn anyway, he could at least do it for a cause.

And burn he did. His body and his soul. With pain and passion, in all imaginable ways but the literal one (except that one time on stakeout that Second Lieutenant Havoc still owed him for). Because he had nothing left to lose but everything to gain, and he knew that no matter what his team would be there to breathe life into his charred remains.

It was baffling, sometimes, how readily he would die for each and every one of his comrades. But, then again, he knew that all of them would gladly do the same for him. Vato knew family - had had a family once, before his illness made him a husk of a man his wife couldn't bear to live with. His whole life he wanted nothing more than to matter, to belong. And now he finally did.

Colonel Mustang's unit was tight-knit and they all helped each other. Falman had never been good with words and he preferred to work with data instead of people for a reason, but he soon found that with his people words didn't mean much in the first place. Instead, he simply did his best to take care of his friends and they never failed to do the same.

For instance, the rainy day flare-ups. Logically Vato knew that in Central it on average rained 139 days of the year, which was a relatively small number. Measly 38% of his life was affected by changes in barometric pressure. Nothing to cry about, especially considering that he wasn't even going out in the field a lot these days.

He'd been determined not to mention anything about it to his colleagues, but as always, there wasn't any need. Upon arriving in the office (precisely on time, even if he had to get up early to make up for his body fighting him at every turn) Falman had found a fresh cup of coffee and a bottle of aspirin, courtesy of Master Sergeant Fuery. Vato had never had the heart to tell the young man that aspirin couldn't help this kind of pain. The sentiment was still sweet and the seeing Kain's earnest face lit up at Falman's grateful nod warmed his heart.

During the day Vato did his best to carry out his duties as usual. It was a slow process as the burning in his joints was greatly affecting his ability to concentrate on papers he was filing. He knew for sure it must have been obvious with how often he paused to stretch a little, or how he tried to inconspicuously massage his back, or even just by the way his share of paperwork was taking twice as long to get done. Still, First Lieutenant Hawkeye, always eager to improve the team's performance with liberal use of firearms, said nothing of him not meeting her standards.

Even Second Lieutenant Havoc made a considerable effort not to smoke in his presence, knowing full well how the smell affected his budding headache.

"Falman," Second Lieutenant Breda called, breaking his already fragile focus. "We're going out to have lunch. Will you join us?"

Vato bit his lip and looked forlornly at the sheets of paper on his desk.

"No. I'm not particularly hungry, and I'd rather catch up on my workload. I'm already behind as it is."

"Nobody would blame you if you took it easy for once, you know? You're already the second most effective person in this office, between you and Hawkeye you should live some work for the rest of us!"

Breda chuckled and Falman cracked up a smile in return, but still shook his head. They all had their duties, like cogs in the machine, and he'd be damned before he let it come to a halt because of one faulty piece.

"Alright," sighed the Second Lieutenant. "But we're grabbing you a sandwich at least, my treat." And left before Vato could refuse.

What a team to end up on. He really was lucky, wasn't he?

He's only ten minutes into the lunch, however, when the peace and quiet came to an abrupt end with a steel-toed boot almost kicking the door off the hinges.

"'Sup, guys!" came a cheerful, loud, yell as their newest recruit waltzed in started looking around in confusion. "Where's everyone?"

"Major Elric," Vato saluted stiffly, lips pinched in poorly disguised disapproval. "This is lunchtime, I'd imagine our colleagues are having lunch in the cafeteria. Isn't today your day off?"

It was. It was Fullmetal's day off and shouldn't have been here, loudly, out of uniform (again) breaking things (again) ignoring regulations (AGAIN)... At least he didn't bring his brother this time. Small mercies.

"Shit, man, would you stop it with the ranks? I'm Ed. Just call me 'Ed'. Or 'Edward' if you're so formal. Live a little!"

Why was it suddenly his turn for babysitting duty? Vato couldn't even look after his own kids, and especially not on a rainy day like this. But how was he supposed to politely say 'Go away, boy, I'm in too much pain to deal with you today'?

"It's against regulations, Sir." Vato shrugged despite his muscles' furious protests. "Did you need something?"

It wasn't that he disliked Edward Elric particularly. He was loud and annoying and more than a handful, if their first few weeks of serving together were anything to go by, but at his age it was nothing terribly unusual.

"Yeah, look, do we have a med kit here or something?"

Edward Elric was a child, even when he desperately tried to appear a grown up. And Falman... Falman hadn't had the best experience with children. In fact, in his own humble opinion, he should've been kept away from kids, at all times.

Fullmetal was now a part of the team, and their team took care of each other. The only way Vato could take care of the boy was if he stayed as far away from him as possible. Because, given his track record - he'd fuck the kid up.

"The right cabinet, second shelf from the top." He hesitated. "Do you... Do you need help reaching it?"

"WHO ARE CALLING SO SMALL HE HAS TO CLIMB FOR HOURS JUST TO REACH THE TOP SHELF?!"

Vato recoiled at the outburst and closed his eyes for a moment in an effort to make the headache slightly more bearable. The boy continued mumbling under his breath about his 'completely average' size and then let out a suspiciously quiet swear. Falman briefly debated pretending not to notice, but he could see the kid's legs shaking with the effort as he  stood on his very tiptoes, gripping the open door for support.

"I could-"

"Shut it!" Elric barked. "I can do it myself!"

Vato sighed again and, for better or for worse, got up from his desk. As quickly as his tortured body let him he came over to the cabinet and took out the case.

"There's nothing wrong with accepting help sometimes." He insisted, echoing the words usually directed at him. "Everyone needs help. No one thinks less of you for that."

Fullmetal said nothing as he grabbed the med kit out of Falman's hands, face so red it almost matched his coat.

And then he stopped. Looked up at Vato, cheeks still alight with embarrassment but his gaze uncomfortably serious. He stared the man down, piercing, cutting him into tiny little boxes and sorting everything inside. Tearing his soul out and weighting it against a feather, with the same burning intensity Lieutenant Colonel Mustang once upon a time directed at him.

The Flame Alchemist looked into his eyes and saw someone worth saving, someone worth trusting. What would Fullmetal see?

"Alright then." Edward nodded to himself and shoved the kit back into Falman's numb hands. "Since you're offering, I could use a hand."

The boy snickered as if he'd made a joke and strode confidently into the Colonel's vacant office.

"Colonel Mustang is also having lunch," He called out, following the kid. "You may wait for him outside."

"Nah," He shrugged, unconcerned. "I figured the Bastard would be slacking off. But if I'm gonna bleed, I'm doing it on his couch, because fuck him."

"Bleed?!" Oh god, please let the child just be dramatic, just for the sake of his own dwindling sanity. "If you're injured I can walk you to the infirmary."

"Nah," Elric shrugged again and threw himself on the couch, taking great care to put his muddied boots on an armrest and ignore Vato clearly dying at the sight. "It's just a scratch. I'd take care of it myself, but I'm right-handed and I don't trust my left to do the job."

With that he pulled up his coat to reveal his right leg. Right leg, in the tight leather pants so clearly against the regulations. Right leg in platform boots covered in mud, rainwater and god knows what else.

Right leg.

With a knife sticking out of it.

"So?" Edward asked impatiently. "Come on, you said you wanted to help, and I don't have all day."

This. This wasn't happening. There was no way.

"Is this a prank?" He managed, faintly, staring at the blood soaking through his pants, through that damn red coat and into the Colonel's prized 'comfy' couch.

"What? No! What the hell, do you think I'd come into this shithole on my day off for a prank? It was closer than the dorms and I didn't want Al to freak out over nothing."

Well, now Vato was freaking out.

"This isn't nothing! You've been stabbed! You need a doctor!"

"No!" The boy sounded annoyed. Petulant. Like he was declining broccoli instead of urgently needed medical care. This couldn't be real. "I told you, it's a scratch. That knife's, like, two inches tops, and it's not even all the way in. I'd pull it out immediately, but I figured I might need a stitch or two so I walked here."

"How did you even walk?!"

"Well. Carefully. Duh. Didn't want to jolt it too much just in case it nicks an artery or some shit. That'd be a pain to deal with."

He snickers again as he starts rummaging through the case, picking up bandages and rubbing alcohol.

"This is bullshit, you guys call this a 'med kit'? You don't even have needles! How do you live like that?"

"If the would is deep enough to require stitches the protocol suggests getting medical staff involved. Come on, let me carry you-"

"Hands off, old man!" The kid yelled and jerked away. "Look, if you're not gonna help, you can just go. I'll deal with it myself, like I always do."

"How often does this happen?!"

"You know, sometimes." Edward shifted uncomfortably. "So what'll it be? 'M not getting any younger."

He stared. He thought. He analyzed. This was his strong suit, his one redeeming quality. His brain was wired for creating and utilizing statistics, rules, solutions. He looked at problems and he dealt with them, one step at a time.

Now, he wondered, what would the first step be? If he left to call for help, Fullmetal would undoubtedly run. And if he tried to use the phone or carry the child to safety... That wouldn't be a fight he could win. Not in his current condition.

Vato let out a loud, deep, miserable sigh and pinched his nose.

"You'll need to pull your pants down. And I'm not much of a nurse. All of us have a first aid training, but I never had to stitch a wound before."

"That's fine. It's not much harder than sewing clothes, you'll just need to use more force. And I grew up with surgeons, I know how it's done and I'll walk you through it. All I need from you are your steady hands."

Steady hands. That he could manage.

(And by god, he did. He had no choice, not with a child at his mercy. The team looks out for each other. A father looks after a son. Even someone else's.

And wasn't that his greatest regret in the first place? That he stood by and did nothing for his own kids? He wallowed in his misery and left them long before they left him and he'd never earn forgiveness.

But he was burning anyway, his body and his soul, and he'd let them both turn to ash before he made the same mistake again.

Never again.)

In the end it didn't even take much time. Or maybe Vato was just so focused on not fucking up the kid that hours had passed by unnoticed in his single-minded determination.

"Yeah, I think that's it." Fullmetal said finally and the man sinked onto the floor. "Thanks a ton, Falman, I owe you one."

"You're welcome," he responded, feeling faint from both the nervous tension and the absolute agony his back rewarded him with for crouching on his knees for half an hour. "But I'm never, never, ever doing it again."

Edward laughed.

"It's okay, you did great for a beginner. It'll still leave a scar, but I have too much of those to give a fuck anymore."

He then proceeded to move his hip experimentally, as if testing how much force it would take for the stitches tear.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

The words slipped out before Vato could stop himself. The boy refused to take anything from the meager selection of over-the-counter painkillers and haven't flinched once during the so-called 'procedure', but now that he thought about it more, it was a very, very bad sign. The alchemist must've been going into shock.

"Eh, not particularly. I've had worse. Much worse." He had a faraway look on his face, and Falman wondered briefly if Fullmetal was having a flashback, but then his mouth opened in a silent 'oh' and finally settled into a horrible, knowing grin. "Ah, I see. The Bastard hasn't told you, has he? Just like that dick to keep all information for himself."

"What do you mean?"

Falman didn't believe in intuition, he believed in experience. And his was telling him that he wouldn't like where this was going.

"Look!" The boy put his left leg up in as perfect a split as he could manage while sitting with a freshly stitched hip and let the gravity work it's magic. "I've got metal leg!"

Vato choked.

The leather pants pulled up just enough to reveal steel where flesh should have been. Automail.

Elric cheerfully continued.

"Goes just above the knee! Also, my right arm all up to the shoulder. Which is why I couldn't stitch myself. I'm right-handed, but I couldn't risk breaking the needle, and doing it with a non-dominant hand is just asking for trouble."

Vato stared.

"But... It's raining..." What a useless thing to focus on. "How did you even walk? I have a cousin with automail, on rainy days he can't even get out of bed!"

He half expected the boy to scoff and say something along the lines of: "Well, your cousin is a pussy, and I'm cool as shit!" Instead he saw the child's grin dim into a grimace.

"Well, that's not unusual. Everyone deals with it differently. My pain tolerance was fucked up even before the surgery, so, really, I've kinda always been a freak."

And once again Falman couldn't stop his tongue from moving, but, just this once, he didn't even try.

"Don't say that."

"Huh?"

His hands were on boy's shoulders and now that he knew what he was looking for it was so easy to tell the difference, he didn't know how he never noticed it before. He held Edward down both firmly and as gently as he could, as he never got to hold his own children, and for a second he imagined a different boy sitting there.

What would he tell his son?

"You're not a freak. Maybe you were just built different. It makes you all the cooler for putting up with more bullshit than the rest of us."

"You swore!" The boy cackled and his eyes lit up with wonder, but there was something so raw and painful in them that it made Vato's own raging fire look like a candle in comparison. "And you think I'm cool?"

"Yes, Edward. The coolest"

And for the first time they've known each other Falman didn't have to force himself to smile. Fullmetal's answering grin felt a like warm sun on his aching bones.

(And just a little bit like forgiveness.)

"Ha! You just wait until our next argument, Bastard! I got Falman to swear, now no one can stop me!"

Elric hopped off the couch, laughing maniacally, and ran out the door before Vato could even think to stop him.

It was, perhaps, for the best. After getting a glimpse into the weight that boy had been carrying on his shoulders, Falman didn't want him to see the man crawling to his desk. Who was he to complain about his pain when they had a literal child soldier around with two metal limbs?

He had so many questions. How did this happen? What about his little brother and that armor? Their parents? And what on earth did they think they were doing, joining the military at that age? Twelve and eleven, oh, it was completely absurd.

There was so much data to work with, to uncover, to analyze. But for the very first time in his life...

"I've had worse. Much worse."

...Vato Falman was absolutely certain that he didn't want to know.

[undertheknightwing]

just finished s2 and finally met Jon-El!

rip to whoever the writer for this season was but I'm different. Au in my head where Jon-El's horrified "I've never killed anyone before" actually mattered in the show, the Kents managed to convince him that he wasn't broken and he didn't have to keep doing things he didn't want to do, and suddenly have triplets instead of twins <3

Even if the show didn't go down that path it's absolutely absurd that Jon-El didn't start poking at Jon's insecurities and all the ways the Kents had failed him to try getting Jon to merge! Especially if Jon-El was manipulating Jon not out of a place of malice, but because he genuinely believed that merging could "heal" both of them. That could have been so interesting to see on screen! And that's just the tip of the iceberg; as an angst writer myself, I can think of so many amazing plotlines and arc ideas for Jon-El and I'm genuinely baffled that the writers didn't try to pursue any of them.

But anyway, love Jon-El, and he can commit all the crimes he wants because he's amazing and has all the rights <3

and on an unrelated note: CLARK LITERALLY LEFT JON DOING *CHORES* WHILE HE AND JORDAN WENT TO WORK ON POWERS??

Taking a billion points of psychic damage from that alone, but then Clark never actually talked to Jon when he was upset about it?? AHFDKJHADSKJFHSAKJFHKSBG. absolutely murdered me. okay. I genuinely cannot get over the way Clois acted, mostly around Jon but there were some bad moments with Jordan too; their lack of parenting skills this season left a really bad taste in my mouth at so many parts. I might have to rewatch s1 to remind myself why I liked them at all in the first place tbh

Anyway, I'm glad that this season gave us sweet moments between Jon, Jordan, and Nat. I'd love to see more of the three of them being chaotic siblings in the future.

You just described the perfect ending 😭

I wanted to see Clark trying to save Jon-El from his self-destruction so badly. He only tried once to get Jon-El to see what he was doing was wrong and it was a lame attempt at that.

And really why should have Jon-El believed Clark? He's currently being manipulated by a cult leader who's so strong she has a hold over thousands of ADULTS, who he sees as a person who truly cares about him, and has most likely been emotionally abused by a man who looks just like Clark. Of course he's not listening or caring about Clark's attempt that was pretty much just "hey you're bad right now, but if join me and you'll be good". But considering Clark can't even talk to or understand his Jon, it's not a surprise he can't reach Jon-El, who's just a darker parallel of his son.

Also I just wanna say that Jon-El's "I never killed anyone before" line reminded me so much of Gar's "I bit him" line AND THAT SHIT HURT.

Jon-El was done so dirty storyline wise, they took this tragic and complex character and turned him into Jordan's villain of the week to beat up. He didn't even get a proper send off, he just got beat up in a school gym and that was it. Never see or hear from him again. Such a waste of a character.

I don't think him wanting to merge was ever out of malice in canon. He did genuinely believe merging would fix him, that's what Ally made him believe. She made him see himself as broken and without purpose, told him he'll only be fixed/healed if he merges with Jon, so he saw Jon as the last thing that would save him and wouldn't let anything or one get in his way. Jon was a lighthouse in a raging storm to him.

And as badly as I think Jon-El wanted to merge, I just want to point out that after rewatching his episodes a few times I noticed there was many times Jon-El could have killed the Kents but he didn't even though they were keeping him from Jon. He never threatens his bizarro family with death either, only tells them to disappear.

I think he has no problem throwing punches as warning or threat to stay out of his way but killing his family? even if they aren't his family. I don't think that's a line he could cross. If did have no problem crossing that line he would have killed Clark with the kryptonite shard but he didn't, he left him there with Lana who he had to know could have saved Clark before he died.

I agree 100% I support Jon-El's rights and wrongs <3 but also want him to go to therapy and heal.

Clois' parenting damaged me in so many ways in season 2. It was such a huge mess. Even the official S&L insta joked about Clark ditching Jon to spend time with Jordan instead which isn't funny. Especially after a scene where it seemed like Jon was hinting at having concerning thoughts.

Such a weird season with an even weirder storyline.

[1-800-scaryphone]

okay i've been wanting to discuss dad hcs for norm for a long time now (this may or may not be updated later):

D.IALTOWN VERSE:

norm never had children of his own in canon, and i'm carrying that over to my blog (despite how much i love changing canon).

his wife actually really wanted children, but norm was terrified of turning out like his dad and abandoning them (rightfully so, considering that wormhole... 😔)

ironically, norm would have made a great parent, though. he might have been a little more gung-ho about self-reliance and picking yourself up by your bootstraps than most parents, and he'd be the sort of dad to teach his kid to shoot a gun so they could protect themselves from "those commie bastards," but on the whole?? a great parent.

like, tucking his kid in every night and making sure they know they're loved?? that would've been him. he might not have been as scared of losing his family as he would be post-wormhole, but he WOULD want his existing family to know he's there and that he loves them.

which brings me to post-dialtown, because oh my god, i have two parenting scenarios for him and i love them to BITS.

norm would be either a godfather or a second father to gingi's kids (coughs in being shipping trash...). he doesn't understand gingi biology in the SLIGHTEST, but goddammit, he's gotta make sure those kids survive under gingi's care. after all, gingi doesn't even know how to take care of themself- how are they gonna take care of their childer??

norm is horrified and baffled by some of the shit he has to do to care for gingi's kids (feeding them centipedes, for example), but he does it anyway lmao.

one of gingi's babies calls him "daddy" for the first time and he starts tearing up lol

THAT'S NOT EVEN INCLUDING HOW HE REACTED WHEN GINGI NAMED ONE OF THEIR KIDS AFTER HIM, he was genuinely touched but refused to let it show lmao

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO HIM ADOPTING @feralreason 'S WILLIAM...

he cares william so much, that kid is practically his own flesh and blood (genuinely, i think a lot abt how they LOOK like they could be related ok)

he was really REALLY reluctant to play any parental role in william's life at first (despite gradually looking to him as a son), mostly because he has a track record for losing everything he cares about in tragic ways and losing a SON would be devastating

things have turned out okay so far!

he's constantly insecure about his parenting ability even though he's literally the best parental william has EVER had.

basically, norm would do anything for william, and he has no fucking clue that william would do the same (nor the extent of william's appreciation for him).

he's also pretty clueless about most of william's sordid history. he just knows henry was an abusive piece of shit, which was what finally got him to formally adopt william in the first place.

F.NAF / D.SAF CROSSOVER:

this is another one where norm adopts feralreason's william, but this time, william is a baby and has been spared his Henry Trauma(tm)

basically, a baby william ran from the orphanage and was probably gonna pick norm's pocket or smth when norm was actually NICE to him, and the rest is history

again- despite all of norm's reservations about becoming a father beforehand, william is just too precious (in every sense of the word) and is clearly in need of a family. norm has to take this kid in.

norm spoils william a bit more than he would any kid of his own- mostly because of his self-reliant ideals. william is an exception because he's already BEEN living that life. he hasn't had anybody until now, of course norm's gonna give him the best home life he can

F.NAF AU:

the one au where norm doesn't adopt dsilliam, only because dsilliam isn't there-

instead, he's a father to none other than cassidy (with her full name being "cassiopeia"). she gets her bloodlust and thirst for revenge from SOMEWHERE.

with norm still being so scared to have kids, he is incredibly careful to be there for his daughter and never leave her behind...this ultimately doesn't save her, though, and he blames himself BIG-TIME.

he also tried to teach her self-defense and wanted to teach her to shoot a gun before she died. his wife objected to the latter.

norm taught cassidy a good amount of skills and made sure she could take care of herself, though that didn't stop him from being a teensy bit overprotective....he cares ok??

GENERAL:

norm reads his kids bedtime stories and tucks them in every night.

this applies moreso to verses that aren't d.ialtown, but he tells his kids he loves them as much as he can.

if he was to sing his kids a lullaby at night, it would be this.

he loves sharing his fondness for the stars (former fondness, in the case of d.ialtown) with his kids, and makes sure to stargaze with them. he also educates them on constellations along the way. (in cassidy's case, he makes sure to tell her allll about the cassiopeia constellation.)

[tlbodine]

I've never really been active in fandom, but I have spent 20+ years of my life in and out of online RP circles, and have witnessed some truly spectacular drama blow-outs.

And for a long time I assumed this was because RPers were uniquely prone to drama, being a bunch of people whose hobby was playing out interpersonal conflicts for entertainment.

But as I started writing professionally and hanging out in author spaces online, I started to notice extremely similar patterns playing out. And then, once I saw it, I even noticed the same general trends in regular workplaces.

OP is right on the money, especially in regards to #3 up there. So, so, so much baffling internet drama can be immediately explained when you look at it through the lens of gaining clout.

And then you realize how much of clout-chasing ultimately boils down to identifying and publicly shaming an Out Group while also loudly proclaiming their own Very Correct Opinions, and suddenly both high school and world politics start to make more sense, too, and you have the stunning, horrifying realization that all of life really is basically just RP drama.

one big thing i think people outside fandom (like, all fandoms, fandom in general, not any particular one) tend to misunderstand is they know it's a subculture of people who are weirdly deeply invested in fictional media, and they hear about drama caused by people in those subcultures being unhinged in not-fun ways, and they think the unhingedness comes from the fact of being overinvested in works of fiction.

which is a natural assumption, but in my experience that's not really the case? like in my experience the drama llamas in fandom are usually not the ones who are just genuinely very deeply into the fiction. i've known people who are basically thinking about star trek or x-men comics or supernatural pretty much 100% of their free time and ime that type of person is usually very nice and surprisingly functional in their regular life. when someone's a constant nexus of fandom drama it's usually not that they are obsessed with the actual work of fiction the fandom is about, it's at least one of the following:

what they're obsessed with is not the source material but their unhealthy parasocial relationships with one or more of the people who created it

what they're obsessed with is not the source material but some elaborate shared-universe subset of fanfic about it that's only barely related to the original at this point, and/or an esoteric reading-against-the-text reinterpretation of the source material (often if the canon is active and ongoing this leads to becoming actively hostile toward it for its inevitably increasing failure to conform to their preferred fanon)

what they're obsessed with is not the source material but the fandom itself and gathering clout within it, so that the source material basically only exists to them as a tool for scoring points in increasingly arcane fandom disputes

and very often you get the same person doing 2 and sometimes even all 3 of these, and that's where the trouble really starts

[bolts-n-fingerguns]

Hrm. Can remember nightmares from my fictotypes.

Sonic's are just stuff that happened to him. It's never stuff that I think would happen, those would be literal omens given by the Emeralds. So not my dreams. They're always very accurate to what happened, but ending or jumping to another thing just in the right moment to make us feel worse. Aka, the moment that was most distressing to us, but we can't fix it in the nightmare nor does it get worse.

Leon's though...most horrible shit I've ever had to see with my mind's eye. All of them just get worse and worse, mixing up with other occurrences, setting up very realistic yet unrealistic situations, grabbing what happened and twisting it to be worse than it was. All of them always have death in them or alluded death, in the best cases. And in most of them, I would be the last man standing.

I can remember two in specific of Leons, I will let that for below. Cw for unreality, death and suicide attempt 👍

The first one is not as vivid as the second one.

All I remember is, being in another mission. This time with the Redfields and couple other people, none of relevance, just npcs created for the dream. I remember it was dark, really dark. Chris takes a group of npcs to search a particular spot of the place we are in. Soon enough, the nightmare starts. Npcs go missing and we start hearing screams from Chris' side of the thing. Claire, of course, runs there.

By the time I catched up it was too late. I was able to take on the infected that came at me, as always. And then the last one in that room came by behind me. I couldn't think, the switch was flipped and the room was dark. It's always been fight and kill to survive. I had already pulled the trigger by the time I registered who I was shooting. It was Chris. He was gone, though, it wasn't him anymore. All I remember is this horrible feeling in my gut and heart, absolute dread at what I just did. That's all I remember from that dream.

The second one was... admittedly more calm, if you could call it so. A similar set up to the first one, although Jill was there...and apparently in this fucking dream RC hadn't been blown to smithereens. The Redfields, Jill n I came back there to investigate some shit, something to do with Umbrella. We were where the fire escape was, can't remember the exact location. Claire in front of me, with Chris and Jill leading.

As soon as I gained consciousness in that damn dream, I wasn't gonna go through it. I wasn't gonna see them all die, I wasn't killing any of them. I would end it right there, right now. I pulled the gun to my head, staring right at the cannon. Complete spite against myself and my brain that only works against me. But it didn't go, it was stuck.

Claire immediately noticed what I was doing. She wasn't quick enough to get the gun out of my hand with the first attempt. But we were all equally shocked it didn't go off, so I had time to shoot again. In my bafflement and anger, I immediately shoot the gun again, this time not directed at me, to prove something. And it went off. The fucking dream wouldn't let me die. This time Claire did take the gun out of my hands and yelled at me, asked what the fuck I thought I was doing. I didn't even look at her, but I knew this shit was a dream for sure so I just said so. She was completely baffled and pissed off at me, so she asked again what did I mean. I repeated exactly what I said, this time, I looked up at her.

Her face...the other's faces. Filled with confusement and anger. They had this horrified look, completely petrified by the situation. Her's though, it was burning with anger, nothing I haven't seen before from her. She's scolded me more times than I can count for similar situations, rightfully so.

She asked if I had lost my mind, I responded I had a long time ago. Then she did something out of character that made it so obvious this wasn't her, she turned around and decided to ignore me. Usually, she would continue to go off on me trying to convince me otherwise or soften up and try to reason with me. But she would never leave, or give up on me like that.

I guess you could say she was tired of my bullshit, but she promised me against my own wishes that she would never give up on me. And this girl never breaks her promises, it's honestly insane to what length she'd go.

So I told this fake dream version of her, that she wasn't Claire. And before she could turn around, the dream started to fall apart and I woke up.

Yuriyaoi wins people. Yuriyaoi wins.