#I've never been in the music production community idk

[citychicken-prod]

Album Thoughts: HIVEMIND by Ninty

Currently listening to HIVEMIND by Ninty and it's like an hour long so I probably won't make an entire list of my thoughts on each song but I'm only 20 minutes in and there's already such a nice variety with the music oh my goodness. I feel like each one takes me somewhere completely new, I really like this album. I wanna go back and listen to some of these and try and get some inspo, these really make me want to make something. I wanna try and make an original, finished beat some time next week! HIVEMIND on YT HIVEMIND on Bandcamp

[graciegoeskrazy]

About me!

we are so close to 400 followers (YAY) so that means I gained a little over 200 in the span of a year (WHAT?) so I feel like an (re)introduction is necessary.

sooooooo......

Hi! You can call me Graci, Gracie, or GG.

Fun fact: Gracie is NOT my real name. It WAS a part of a stage name that I used when I worked professionally, but more on that later...

I'm 19 years old and I was born in October so I'm a Libra but idk what signs mean or what a rising or moon or sun is so I just say I'm a libra and hope people like me.

I was originally born in San Antonio, Texas, but I moved to New Orleans, Louisiana when I was 3. I am a NOLA girl through and through! I love my home and my city so much and I will eat a shrimp po boy or a plate of crawfish any day!

I just moved to NYC not long ago for college. I am a BFA Music Technology student! I play piano, guitar, drums, bass, ukulele, and I sing and produce! (I can't stand still)

I have been a swiftie since debut. I was babbling along to picture to burn before I could really speak. My favorite album is speak now, but favorite ERA is midnights, my favorite era on the TOUR is ttpd, and my top five favorite songs are...

Betty

Getaway Car

Better Man

The Bolter

The Other Side Of The Door

I wrote about Betty in my college essays and I got me 2 full ride offers soooo not bad! I love that song more than the waking world! and then the bolter she wrote about me no questions asked (thats where the Matilda Inspo came from lol)

I went to an arts conservatory and got my certificate with a Musical Theatre concentration! I have been dancing for 16 years and started working professionally in regional theatre, tour productions, film, and TV when I was about 12.

I started writing in 2022. (about to hit 3 years!) I've never taken it seriously, and I don't think I will become an actually author. I will admit, I think I am (although not as good as I used to be but) a pretty good writer. Definitely not the best, but for someone who has never had any experience or taken a single writing class in their life??? Pretty good right? I definitely didn't start out good (don't look at my old marvel work) but progress had definitely run it's course.

No one. not a single soul. (okay just one person) knows I write fan fiction. Idk why it's just no one around me like the fandoms or things I like so I just never brought it up and now I'm scared to admit it to anyone. I have this reoccurring dream that I'll die and my mom will open up my google drive and have a heart attack.

Tw: The last 5 years of my life have been rough as hell. I have struggled with anxiety, depression, self harm, ocd, adhd, and an eating disorder, but I am a happy healthier and a much stronger person because of it. I just hit 1,800 days clean from my ed! I'm grateful for who I am and the opportunities I have today.

That's me in a nutshell. It'll take a couple of glasses of wine to get everything else out of me but that's good for now.

v grateful for my little community on here <3

lots of love, Gracie <3

[fitzrove]

Society has moved past the need for "together in the afterlife<33" endings to Elisabeth. Like, if that's your takeaway, why would you produce the show oabfösbgödlf

It's not a story about love, it's a twisted mockery of a love story. Lucheni's narration - because it was always supposed to be that and only that!!!! He is not an objective source of information and that is 900% the point!! - uses the conventions of a love story to make a point. Seeing what happens should horrify the audience, and if it doesnt horrify the audience, the audience should think about it a bit and be horrified upon realising that they've been made to root for something horrible (a relationship that kills and destroys) and possibly even find it sweet or comforting. Goes for Elisatod and Todolf both. Lucheni makes a big old romance or seduction narrative - something we're societally wired to enjoy and root for - stand for a lifelong fascination with death. He's the OG romanticiser. But, at the end, it doesn't work if the audience isn't shown the tangible effects and end results of that narrative, which to me are

Elisabeth's cruelty, bitterness and brokenness throughout act 2 and how she TANGIBLY harms other people in the course of her pursuit of freedom (this could also start in act 1 already, with Milch). In this we can root for her, but the audience should never forget the price paid. It's not that she's evil - far from it - we should almost see her selfishness as the only coping mechanism she has in her situation and be drawn to deeply understand and care for her and hope against hope that she'll reach happiness somehow. Which makes it even more tragic that it does still harm others, and EVEN MORE tragic, awful and uncomfortable that happiness slips from her grasp and she's literally joyful that she's DYING

Elisabeth's death as a "ruined" ending to the show. There's a kiss and the music swells triumphantly, still in keeping with Lucheni's pretense that this is a grand love story, but the audience should be left feeling empty and horrified after it ends. I don't care if it's bad for marketing ajfkdkkf. Tod should PUT HER ON THE FLOOR or otherwise show that after the charade is over, she's dead and her imaginary boyfriend can't save her or accompany her because he's an empty husk that doesn't exist unless she's there to imagine him - or, if Tod is a more real figure, that he doesn't care, or can't care. He cares during her life because she pertains to his fate-assigned task, but afterwards, there's literally no way for him to and no reason to. She's gone to a place he can never know about or follow her to. Or he's just done. I think it's a very grave mistake when the show is directed to have a genuinely triumphant-seeming ending. Death is not REALLY happiness, death is not really freedom, even though Lucheni spends the entire show gaslighting us to think that. If Elisabeth has a happy ending, it becomes a show that legit encourages suicide in a way that no amount of todolf flirting or Mayerling kissing can. (I see people wonder about whether todolf romanticises suicide, but in staged productions, it literally never does. It can't, because Tod never is outright tender with Rudolf, or is implied to stay with Rudolf after Mayerling. At least in European prods - idk if this happens in some of the Asian prods, I don't watch them because I don't like what I've seen of the way zuka, toho or koreabeth are directed ajdkkdkf. I can't believe homophobia is protecting todolf from the romanticisation treatment but I think it is 💀).

Overall.......... like, vbw please, less KKOG and more alle fragen sind gestellt. If you want a sparkly elegant princess love story with lots of drama, banger music and don't mind if there's no actual criticism or metacommentary, just go watch Anastasia 💀 (i mean that one does also have historical criticism, but it's just COMMUNISM BAD, aristocracy GOOD lol. Ajdkkdfb if Elisabeth was written by Lucheni, Anastasia was written by dowager empress Maria Feodorovna lmao)

[ginger-grimm]

Choosing violence here: all the odd-numbered questions for the soft asks? <3

Thank you @faerieroyal! Here you go lol

What song makes you feel better?:

What's your favorite candle scent?: I go for fruity scents mostly but I do always like a good sugar cookie or vanilla scent.

Who do you feel most you around?: Probably my mom. I don't really have many people in my personal life.

What color brings you peace?: Green

What calms you down?: Honestly, when I'm really spiraling nothing truly does but listening to music or watching TV/YouTube distracts me enough.

What's your ideal date?: I've never been on one but like, watching a movie or going bowling or something. I'm a bit basic/classic like that lol

What's your comfort food?: Aside from soft cookies, I like making noodles with cut-up leeks, carrots, and mushrooms (and chicken pieces when I have the funds). IDK why but I find myself making that every weekend.

For every emoji you get, tag someone and describe them in one word: I don't totally get this question so let me just describe you. Kind-hearted.

Fairy lights or LED lights?: Fairy lights! I dabble in LED but they only really work when I'm in bed in the evening and not so much if I have to do something around the room.

Most important thing in your life?: Aside from my mom and cats, editing and watching TV and YouTube really does bring me a lot of joy. Also books. And of course my health and stuff.

If you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?: It's okay to approach people, it's okay to speak out for yourself, you don't have to eat your emotions - figuratively and literally.

Favorite piece of clothing?: I got some fandom tees last year (Yellowjackets, Little Mix, and The Quarry) and I love them so much, I wear them as much as possible and I would love to get some more.

What’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.): In real life, DVDs, video games, books, something to decorate my apartment, shirts, maybe some kind of care products (body, hair, etc.) and on here I love everything I get to be honest. Oh, also candles! I love candles!

Which character would you want to be?: Interesting question, there's many I love. I can never decide so let me give some variety. Piper Halliwell from Charmed, Belle French from Once Upon a Time, Annie Edison from Community, Cheyenne Lee-Thompson from Superstore, Max Caulfield from Life Is Strange or Rachel Amber from Life Is Strange: Before the Storm, Jackie Taylor from Yellowjackets

Morning, afternoon, or night?: Afternoon

[cagedchoices]

GET TO KNOW THE AUTHOR.

name:  mel 

pronouns:  they/them/theirs

preference of communication:  mainly tumblr IMs these days, but i have discord and wire and occasionally i will drop my info on tumblr, give it out privately if asked, or add if someone else is looking to add. it can take me a while to work up the courage to message someone in the first place and i'm really... not good at the usual social cues of "hey how are you/good how are you?/what have you been up to?" but i'm usually game to chat about other stuff

most active muse:  Caleb. i've had a lot of other muses but he's been the one i've been most consistently able to write in the slightly over 3 years since i first started writing him.

experience/how many years:  i had a couple false starts trying to set up rp blogs for Samwise Gamgee from the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Wirt from Over the Garden Wall back in 2014 and 2015? but i just never really managed to get off the ground and start writing in-character for them because i was super heavily intimidated by the rpc and too nervous to approach anyone. finally in january 2017 i stumbled across a parody of Portal 2 on youtube called the Unauthorized Musical and discovered that there were already a handful of muns on tumblr who had picked up characters specifically based on that production and regularly hosted rabbit streams where they'd watch the video again together and welcomed anyone who wanted to join to do so. i noticed nobody was really writing any antagonistic characters against them so i wound up setting up a blog for GLaDOS and following everybody i met during the stream and that was essentially how i became hooked on tumblr rp. i've been kicking around on and off for about 7 years now.

best experience: there's so many to choose from, but i think i'd have to say my best experience was when i started writing Caleb. i was just fresh off watching Westworld season 3, i was actually feeling more compelled at the time to try and write either Dolores, Maeve, Clementine or Teddy but i felt like i wouldn't do any of 'em justice. i ended up making a sideblog to my old multimuse after deciding i would try writing Caleb, and that's where i almost immediately connected with melody/aworldofyou/copiesofme and was enthusiastically introduced to a bunch of other muns residing in the tiny but mighty westworld rpc. 🥰

rp pet peeves: one is pretty much the same as Sandra said; making a new main blog in the spur of the moment. exhausting all energy on curating a distinct aesthetic for icons/banners/promos/custom themes/etc, and then completely losing interest in a week or 2 without ever getting to write that character. and then more often than not the process gets repeated down the line until that person either becomes overwhelmed from having too many blogs to manage or too many memes to answer or too many starters to write.

i also don't particularly love memes that promote making rp into a popularity contest or seeking an almost constant stream of validation from other people. things like "send a _ and i'll rate your blog on a scale of 1 to 10/using a scale template" i try to stay far away from. arguably every notification you get on tumblr is an instant dopamine hit just like all social media is but. idk there was just something about those blog rating/character rating memes that made them feel more addictive to send and receive than like, taking the time to give someone your honest opinion on how you feel about them as a person or on their writing and characters and such.

another similar thing is reblog chains to the effect of 'reblog this if you actually like following me/seeing me on the dash.' i really don't like these. there's a level of self-deprecation and guilt-tripping involved and when people already feel awfully low and vulnerable to negative self image this just makes it worse. especially when people post with side commentary like 'oh nobody will reblog this from me lol.' and i don't think they're always necessarily aware that this is manipulative behavior, but...it is. even just the way the source post is typically phrased, it preys on insecurity and it makes me sad when i do see mutuals reblogging posts written like this because then i'm like. just sitting there thinking "i'm not a spambot so...if i didn't like following you or seeing you on my dash i would not be following you??"

other forms of reblog chains like 'reblog to give the person you're reblogging from a hug' or 'reblog this and say something nice about the person you reblogged from' are far better in my opinion because they don't inherently contain that same level of insecurity. they put the focus on lifting up and supporting the person you're reblogging from instead of centering on yourself.

plots or memes: i like both but i am very much a memes person because i feel like i'm not very good at plotting.

long or short replies: i don't really have a preference! but lately my thing generally seems to be letting the length creep up so my replies just get longer and longer over time. i never expect anyone to match me, but like. the one thing that would crush my soul is me posting like. 5-7 paragraphs and getting back a one sentence or one word response 😭

are you like your muses: i have a few things in common with caleb, one of them being that we're both neurodivergent and just trying to exist in a society where it is typically seen as undesirable to be classed as such. i stumbled across a venn diagram a while back comparing and contrasting common traits associated with ptsd and autism and it has given me a lot to take into consideration in the way that i portray caleb

tagged by: @k4ndall

tagging: @gunslingcr @paddyfuck @weirdwonderful @killjoysanonymous @prettydead & you (not labeled)

[slowdesire]

sage, edelweiss, camellia

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

music 1000% !!! idk how to explain it... there are so many layers to music. from production and just the sound of something, the lyrics (if there are any), dissecting an album from the cover art to track list order and what kind of album it is, the storytelling, how it builds community, can become the backdrop for life experiences... i wish i had something smarter to say. not a single day goes by without me listening to music attentively at least once. the best way i can describe only a small part of why i love music is through the fact that i keep all my playlists since i first used spotify around 2018 in different folders, arranged in chronological order, divided by 'arcs' of my life. it's the main way i tell time and remember i'm a real person who has lived and is still living a life!

edelweiss ⇢ how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you?

i was listening to one of my favorite songs, posing for cars by japanese breakfast, and felt incredibly moved by the last lines "just a single slow desire... fermenting." fascinating how the lyrics end with that, but the song and powerful emotions it evokes are nowhere near finished. one of the most beautiful songs of all time, and one of the best concluding tracks to an album like EVER. i associate it with the last summer i'd ever have in my college life (by summer i mean a vacation before the new school year starts, not necessarily the season)

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

i used to be more outspoken and i'm not really like that anymore... i was also a lot more curious and adventurous when i was young. very open to trying new things. i was also an angsty reclusive teenager LMAO. nowadays im in the process of relearning and/or letting go of some of that! i think i've changed a lot. i'm a little bit less insecure and more familiar with my strengths and weaknesses. but a lot of things are the same too; i've loved music for forever, always been fond of water and swimming, things like that. a forever constant is my strong attachment to taylor swift's music lol (it's never going to die out)

random get-to-know-me ask game

[ectonurites]

I dont think you count as a theater kid. Theater kids are the kids who went to highschool with me who'd interrupt class by singing fucking Hamilton songs or Disney songs or whatever was on their minds at the time. They were kinda insufferable and very obviously thought they were the Main Characters™ and that gave them the right to have these massive dramatic fights and breakdowns in class like, once every other week

There were also normal people who were passionate in plays and set design/costume design/acting/singing. Tbh I didn't know them too well bc I hate like 80% of musicals and that was mostly all they talked about, but idk. There were a number of them that I never would've branded as "theater kids" despite them being very passionate about theater because of the connotations with that term as we use it today?

Either way, you don't seem like the type who could have been a Theater Kid™? I mean, I don't know you, but you don't come off self centered enough or arrogant enough to act like that, so ill guess you probably weren't

LMAO i'm very glad that That brand of Theater Kid is not the energy I give off, like. very glad to hear that.

I think a big part of it is also that like I... I grew up doing theater in part because my mom is a costumer, I was often working on shows not just being in them. (I also did community theater rather than school theater for the most part, which there's definitely just a different vibe when things are all ages/mostly adults vs a gaggle of teens supervised by a few teachers). A lot of the people I encounter who fall into more the... the Theater Kid (derogatory) category are the people who've only done acting and maybe the minimum required crew work when necessary.

Like i've been a performer in a ton of shows, but I've also very frequently worked costumes as an assistant to my mom, and I've been an assistant stage manager (I think I was like... 15 when I was ASM on a production of The Woman in Black + I called the show over headset, and the guy in the lighting booth hadn't actually met me and did Not realize I was a teenager rather than an adult until like, half of the run was over LMAO. I was the only person under like 20 involved in the show, that was common in a lot of stuff I did). Then when I got to college I did a little bit more of the other stuff I hadn't (like lighting, scenic, etc). And more professionally I've worked in marketing as the graphic designer for theatrical stuff (both at my college and a professional regional theater) so designing posters, programs, etc.

I like to think I've had a pretty rounded theater experience which contributed to being more just a person who likes theater rather than... the annoying stereotypes of a Theater Kid

[lazarus-harp]

In your opinion, do you think s5 will happen? I know Joey has said that he's trying to find a new network for it, and I want to believe (cue x-files music) but idk...i just dunno how much I really do. Guess I've been burned too many times :/ seriously it happens so often that someone is like 'no no don't worry it's totally gonna happen soon' and then it gets delayed....and gets delayed again...........and then they're like 'nevermind sorry it's dead' ugh. And this isn't like me criticizing Joey or trying to be bitchy towards him!!! I know he works hard and stuff so if it doesn't happen I won't be pissed off at him or anything (well maybe a little but I'd never actually take it out on him bc that's just mean), it's just kind of frustrating I guess....

To be honest, though I've known my answer for this ask for a bit, I've hesitated in answering it. Because while I do have my own opinion on this from the context given, it's very likely I could be completely wrong. So I do want to say : take this all with a grain of salt rather then the holy truth! This is just my opinion on the situation regarding etn's production, not concrete facts. Though I'm flattered to be asked this question! Thanks so much for sending in this ask, anon, and I hope my opinion isn't as ... Disheartening as I think it sounds.

Here's the thing, the truth of this entire mess : it's extremely obvious Joey loves Escape the Night. He's a creator with a heart, and very actively supports the community around his show and loves to talk about it whenever he can. Literally when he left a video message for Manny on the web series, Reality House, he couldn't help but bring up Manny's death ; even when the show had nothing to do with etn. He just couldn't help himself, right? Joey has played Minecraft maps inspired by etn, he's played the Roblox etn game, he references it constantly with friends -- he made a whole video ranking the deaths! There is not a single doubt in my mind that Joey Graceffa adores the show he's made. Which counts for something, at least to me it does. When he told the audience he would do everything in his power to make a season 5, I can't bring myself to doubt that claim. If he loves the show, he's going to fight for it hard. And I think that's important to remember.

But to be blunt? No. I don't think season 5 of etn is going to happen. In the death ranking video, Joey brought up why it was hard to find a network, and I think people are forgetting about that explanation. He said it was hard to find one due to the fact Escape the Night already has four seasons, all of which are on youtube and probably can't be moved to another service. It would be jarring for a network to suddenly pick up where the original show left off when they had no hand in those produced seasons! Or when the seasons aren't even offered on their platform at all. As much as I want a s5, I understand it's practically impossible. And if we do ever get one, it's likely it won't be similar to any previous etn seasons ... Which makes me wary to even see it. The budgets will be bigger but Joey will likely have other rules to work around and other requirements to meet -- since all productions run a bit differently. I'm sure our beloved savant could make something good out of it, but again! It's unlikely we'll ever even get to that stage. So season 5? I'm not expecting it.

This isn't going to end on a hopeless note, though. Because I'm sure if Joey can't get a s5, he'll find something to do with the show outside of that. He's mentioned making a spin off series! Which is something I could see getting produced, since it'll have more wiggle room in terms of characters and story. And, though people forget this, Joey is an author! It's highly likely we could eventually witness Escape the Night become a book series -- be it with new characters and expanded lore, or with Joey twisting the original characters into ones he can use without ... Legal issues ( ex : calling them by their role names only ). We've seen him do this with the s1 board game, so I don't see why he wouldn't do it in book form as well. There's a lot of ways for etn to at least live on! It's just ... We're probably due for some big changes, since YouTube Red is no longer supporting the show.

What I'm trying to get at is this : seeing season 5 is unlikely and I, personally, wouldn't get your hopes up. But etn isn't going to fizzle out completely, either. It will continue somehow, simply because Joey adores the show too much to let it die. So I try and think about that more so then how disappointed I am over no s5, and it does help to an extent. We'll get Escape the Night content eventually! It's just a matter of what kind and when.

[deadmomjokes]

I need "Mom" advice...I get married in a couple months and honestly I'm nervous about sex. My actual mom never talked to me about it...was taboo. I barely learned about my period, except some friends explained and helped me through it. I'm afraid I won't make my husband happy or it will hurt. I've heard varying stories of friends' first times, and I don't want things to be awkward. I don't even know how to bring it up with my fiancé.

Thank you SO much forfeeling comfortable coming to me! I’ll try to give a basic “sex ed” lessonhere, and if you’re worried about specific things, please feel free to comeback and ask more, or PM me, or send me an ask off anon to ask about email if you’drather do it that way. Whatever’s going to be most helpful for you. I hope Ican address the concerns you listed, and possibly some that might be underlyingin general (most people have a lot of nebulous nervous feelings surroundingphysical intimacy that can be hard to put to words).

(For those uninterested or uncomfortable, a verybig TW for talking about sexual activity in a scientific sort of way, buttechnical terms and (respectful) descriptions may abound.) LOOOOOOOOONG post ahead, but hopefully comprehensive, respectful, and useful.

First Things First I Guess

Firstly, please know it’s super normal to benervous about sex. Almost everyone is, especially in family or social culturesthat don’t normalize talking about sex. We also do a crappy job in general offormal education about sex and sexuality, so too many people (especially women)aren’t given any background. If both of you are virgins, or new to sexualactivity in general, I bet he’s actually nervous too.

Second, bringing it up is going to be hard, butSO important. It might be worth sitting down and simply saying “I haveno idea how to bring this up, but here it is: I’m worried about sex.” The basis for any good sex life is communication and respect. Ifhe’s not nervous but you are, he has to respect that and be understanding ofthe time you may need to adjust. My guess is he has concerns as well, and beingable to talk about it together will bring a huge measure of relief to both ofyou. Another idea to bring it up would be to write an email or text saying thatyou’re not sure how to bring it up, but want to make sure both of you arecomfortable talking about it, so is there a time y’all could talk about it.Idk, that might be a bit formal for how you guys usually do things, but I knowsome people think better in written form. But being able to talk about your concerns, and having a shared general expectation of how things will go the first time is going to be helpful in making sure you’re not terrified of your honeymoon.

Third, and this is the big one: Almost no one’sfirst sexual encounter goes how they think it will, and that’s almost all because of unrealistic expectations. Sex is a weird concept, bodies areweird, and our cultural and social idea of sex is HIGHLY romanticizedand “sterilized” as it were. We have this Hollywood idea of what sex lookslike and is, and real sex has never been that way. It may end up being awkward physically (more later on that), but that’s okay, because that’s often just how things are, and sexual experiences tend to get better with time. Our culture has normalized the idea of “perfect sex” and promotes this big romantic “first time” narrative, but it almost never works out that way. Not to say it won’t or can’t be fun for you, just know it won’t be all fireworks and amazement right off the bat, because there’s a lot to coordinate between two people and four limbs and blankets and stuff.

Sex might be physically strange or a bit uncomfortable especially the firsttime, but if done properly it doesn’t have to hurt. By done properly, I meangiving both parties enough time to adjust, warm up, and become comfortablewith the situation. First intercourse with any partner, but especially yourfirst EVER partner should be about exploring and admiring each others’ bodies,without pressure to actually engage in classical intercourse (meaningpenetrative intercourse) if you don’t feel up to it. Being very nervous can prevent your body fromadapting in the way it needs to in order to be comfortable and pain-free duringintercourse.

The body has a complex system of reactions thatgear it up for intercourse, but here’s the basics.

How Sex Works Physically

What most people refer to as “foreplay” isgenerally not an optional thing for comfortable sex; smooching, cuddling, and a feeling of closeness are basically necessary to trigger thechemical reactions that start the physical adaptations for sex. Going from 0 (hey how’s it going) to60 (penetrative sex) instantly is going to be uncomfortable at best, but will likely hurtespecially in the beginning. Plus you won’t get anything out of it, and committed-partner sexshould be about emotional closeness as much as it is about physical sensationfor BOTH partners. So spending time cuddling and kissing is an important partof “actual sex.” The chemicals that are released during this time trigger yourbody to send increased bloodflow to the sexual organs, starting the sexual response cycle. (NOTE: Some people can begin the sexual response cycle by thinking about sex, reading or viewing erotic material, or “talking dirty,” so if y’all are really worked up and into it, much “traditional” foreplay like making out may not be necessary. This is usually what’s going on with what people refer to as a “quickie,” both parties are already physically prepared for sex because they’ve been thinking about it and that triggered the sexual response to begin.)

In female/afab bodies, the increased bloodflowresults in swelling of the labia (external parts) and a feeling of fullness,which increases physical sensation (perception of touch), which in turn triggersthe production of lubrication (some people refer to this as getting orbeing “wet” if you’ve heard that term thrown around. And don’t worry, it’s not like a ton of liquid, it won’t be like peeing everywhere or anything, it just makes sure things can move around easily, like an oil coating in a pan.) It also triggers thevagina (the internal parts) to expand, and the vaginal opening to relax and expand. Thesethree processes (lubrication, internal expansion, and external relaxation) are important in making sure sex doesn’t hurt. Like I said,with first intercourse, it may still be a bit uncomfortable because it’s a new sensation and your brain may still be on “no sex, sex is off-limits” mode, evensubconsciously. But if you experience pain–sharp or burning or stinging or stabbing pain, not just pressure (which is normal)– that’s not good, and you should back off and try again later after moresmoochy times or even a good night’s sleep.

Male/amab bodies are somewhat easier to understandbecause much of their adaptation happens externally, and also it’s much moresocially discussed. The penis has a complicated system of tissues that trapthe increased bloodflow coming in, resulting in the enlargement and hardeningof the penis (this is called “erection,” or sometimes informally “getting hard”). It also triggers a production of lubrication, but this is muchless than is produced by the vagina. The male lubrication comes from theopening in the penis, which is called the urethra. (Yes, it is technically thesame tube and opening where urine comes from, but the body totally shuts offthe valve at the bladder for intercourse, so there is no risk of cross-contamination.)During this time, the testicles (most often called the balls, of course) arepreparing semen, which contains sperm and is a thick, viscous liquid. (Theprostate also helps in producing this liquid.) During male orgasm, the semen isexpelled from the same urethral opening mentioned above.

To define, orgasm is the point at which the bodypeaks in pleasure, and is generally the result of repeated physical stimulationto erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are the parts of the body that producesexual pleasure when stimulated. (For many people, this includes not only thegenitals, but the nipples as well.) Male orgasm is easy to identify because itis almost always accompanied by ejaculation (expulsion of the semen), butfemales also orgasm. During female orgasm, the muscles of the vagina anduterus repeatedly contract, which can’t be seen of course(leading folks in the past to believe women couldn’t orgasm).

So, a quick recap: you get all smoochy, then you get all handsy, then clothes come off somewhere in the smoochy and touchy phases, and then if youwant comes penetrative sex. This is the part most people are scared of, and hasthe potential to cause pain if you’re not ready mentally or physically (as inyour sexual response hasn’t yet kicked in all over your body).

I know this is kind of squirmy to say, but itmay actually take several tries (sometimes over several days) toactually “succeed” at penetrative sex, meaning that the penis can enterthe vagina without pain to the vagina-owner. It could also be difficult to findexactly where to put the penis, because generally penis-owners don’t know muchabout what they’re looking for (especially if you’re both virgins), andvagina-owners can’t see what’s going on. So keeping a sense of humor and a lineof communication is super important. Sex is WEIRD. It’s just weird and bizarrewhen you start thinking about it (at least to me, on the asexual spectrum), andacknowledging that and realizing that it won’t be some glamorous tangle oflimbs set to romantic music like on the TV is going to go a long way toward making your experience somuch more positive, and much less awkward.

Mentioned Worries

Re:not wanting it to be awkward. Luckily, it won’t have to be emotionally awkward or embarrassing if y’all go into it with the same expectations, and those expectations are realistic. There’s physical awkwardness, like how a box that’s not heavy but is weirdly shaped is “awkward,” and that’s going to happen no matter what because you’ve never had experience with how to do this sex thing, and you’re not sure where to put your limbs or how to move around another person. But what can be avoided is FEELING awkward, emotional awkwardness, and that’s done through having realistic expectations of what sex is and how it works, and of knowing that both of you are on the same page with this, and are interested in making it work for both of you.

You also mentioned being worried you won’t make your husband happy–I want you to knowboth that this is fine and a good desire (to make him happy), but that it’s not your responsibility to sexually please your husband, and sex is something for BOTH of you. It’s not all on you, it literally takes two to make itwork. Sex isn’t all about him; if it’s something you want to share in yourrelationship, it should be something you want to make work for you, as well as for him. So he has as much responsibility to you as you do to him, to be respectful of your boundaries especially as youfirst get introduced to sex, and to “take care of you” as much as you dofor him. Sex with a new partner is going to take trial and error indiscovering what you both like and dislike, and it’s okay and necessary to be vocal andsay “Please don’t do that” if you need to. I know that you WANT to make him happy, and that’s excellent, because hopefully he wants to do that for you, too! Just know that if sex is kind of weird at first, or y’all can’t quite figure out what’s up on night one, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a partner, that you let him down, or that you won’t be able to satisfy each other in the future (even the near future). Adjust expectations so that your first experience isn’t about having the most amazing sex you’ll ever have (more on that in a bit), but about discovering this new facet of your relationship together.

You also mentioned you were afraid of ithurting, and this is the most common fear about sex. You probably heard or readstuff about “breaking the hymen” or “tearing” or something like that.While some girls will have small tears in the hymen (the flap of skin thatsometimes partially covers the vaginal opening), a lot of girls won’t, and thisskin stretches as the physical sexual response (sometimes calledsimply “arousal”) progresses. It’s also less likely to tearor “break” during sex if you’ve used tampons before, because tampons sometimesactually rupture the hymen just by their nature. (This isn’t to say you shouldstart using tampons if you’re not comfortable, of course.) If the hymen doesrupture, you might experience a bit of bleeding, but it’s nothing a pad can’thandle (much MUCH less than a period, more like getting a small cut on yourarm). Sometimes you won’t notice a rupture til after sex if you’re really intoit, but you might also feel it or feel it about to start. If that happens and it hurts, bevocal and tell your partner to stop. You don’t have to hurt during sex, youdon’t owe that to anyone. In fact, you owe it to yourself to NOT endure painjust for someone else’s pleasure. So it might be worth talking to your fiancebeforehand and having a stop-word, which can literally just be “Stop.” Butboth of you should understand going into this that either one of you has the right tosay “no more” at any point.

It may also be worth considering getting somelubricant (”lube”) if you’re really worried about pain, because most pain comesfrom insufficient biological lubrication or insufficient stretching of thevaginal opening, and lube can help with both. Many people find it super fun toapply to each other, apparently, and it can certainly be useful when you’rejust starting out and both new to this idea. (also, if using a condom, lube is important because sometimes the material can irritate the sensitive skin of the vagina and labia) But the most important things youtwo can do for each other as you embark on this adventure together are to bewilling to voice your opinions and feelings, and also to take time to get toknow each others’ bodies and preferences. That’s more or less part of what the honeymoon is for.

Also, make sure you go to the gynecologistbefore you get married. It’s might be awkward or feel a bit embarrassing, but super important in making sureyou’re healthy for sex (just know that gyns do this for a living and have literally seen it all, so your body won’t be a big deal, and they aren’t judging you). And if you happen to have a problem like vaginismus(painful spasms or contractions of the vaginal opening that prevent anythingfrom entering, including tampons or medical equipment) or an obstructive hymen,the Gyn can tell you and help you with that. You can also ask them questions you have about sex, and some Gyns have tools you can use at home to “stretch” the vaginal opening (it’s not generally necessary and is more for psychological assistance than huge physical benefit, but some people who are truly small might actually need a bit of help there, so it’s up to you). You will also probably want birthcontrol, or to discuss options about birth control unless y’all are planning ona baby right away. (Also he should go to the doc and get a checkup, too, justto be safe, and if he’s ever had other sexual partners at any time in the past, he should get checkedfor STDs.)

The Big Important Thing to Remember

Please know:Wedding night sex isn’t going to be the best sex you’ll ever have ever. Cultures inwhich waiting is the expectation or norm (Christianity is the big one for this)tend to promote this idea that your wedding night will be a big amazing reward for waiting, and isgoing to be the most important and pleasurable sex you’ll ever have in your whole entire life and if it isn’t, you’ve done something wrong. It creates a huge amount of pressure surrounding what can already be an emotionally laden experience. But studies on sexual satisfactionshow that couples who have been together for years have the greatest levels ofsatisfaction. So please don’t go into it expecting that your first intercourseis going to make it or break it. It’s more than likely going to be a bit weird even though it will hopefully also be fun and pleasurable, but you’ll have better sex as time goes on and you get to know eachother and figure out what the heck you’re doing. 

Think of it this way: say you LOVE music, and have always wanted to play a piano. You’ve never gotten to be around a real piano before, but playing the piano is a lifelong dream. Are you going to expect yourself to be able to play Mozart the first time you walk into a room with a piano? No! That doesn’t mean that the experience of sitting down at a piano for the first time won’t be euphoric and a fulfillment of a dream, but you can’t go into it thinking or expecting that you’ll be a master the first time you touch the keys. Look at little kids meeting a piano– they just smash around on the keys and it sounds awful to US as adults who know what it “should sound like” and who might even know how to read music and play a bit, but that kid is having the time of their life experiencing the magic of music and of playing the piano. First having sex is like that. It probably won’t be perfect, and you may look back on it years down the road and kind of go “wow we were goofy and weird,” but it can still be fun as long as you aren’t expecting perfection going in. So no, your wedding night isn’t going to be The Objectively Best Sex Ever, and you probably won’t be quite sure what you’re doing and might even be kind of bad at it, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be nice and wonderful. You’re not doing something wrong if you aren’t over the moon with your first experience; it just means you have something even better to look forward to figuring out and experiencing together! Especially if both of you are virgins, you may have a bit of a time figuring out how things work, but that’s not a sign of failure. 

Plus, when you’ve been culturally surrounded by a narrative of taboo, it can feel mentally scary to suddenly engage in something that used to be off-limits in the biggest of ways. That’s why talking about it frankly is important (and why I have no problem with discussing sex in educational terms!), and why it’s important to discuss with your partner throughout y’all’s sexual life together.

Sex is messy, there’s fluids everywhere, people get sweaty, bodies are weird, and our brains are weird. But I hope knowing all this can help you feel a bit more prepared, and a bit more comfortable. I know this was long and a ton of info, but I’m super passionate about making sure people are educated thoroughly about this stuff, because I never knew any of it growing up. Our school lied to the state about sex-ed; we were supposed to have it, and they didn’t, but said they did. I never got the sex talk because I wasn’t interested in guys OR girls (I was ace and had no clue, another place education failed all of us), so my mom never told me anything about it. I learned a lot in college through classes and through academic research, and then more when I switched to health as a major (and became enraged that we don’t talk about this stuff!!). 

So I hope that despite being long-winded, it can be a useful reference, and hopefully put some worries to rest or at least take it down a notch. And do let me know if you have further questions, or if this was totally off the mark for what you were looking for!

[pr-ay-the-gay-away]

Sorry for my bad English in advance and also I'm still educating myself about the industry and media, so please bear with me! Just to explain: I was part of the GP until two years ago but more like in some kind of a gray zone - I had an idea that the industry is fucked up and it's not only about music anymore, I didn't believe in every shit I've seen or read, I knew that there were PRs and etc, but I didn't know how they work and how the industry ticks. I read tweets and comments to see how 1/

how people think and I have the impression that the GP is most likely to accept a male artist to be gay than a female one. Like a lot of people say shon might be gay and Camila might be his beard but nobody assumes even remotely that she might be gay too and this is actually a double beard. Same with TS, while I was still part of the gp, I never thought that kaylor may be something else than a good friendship and all those PRs were.. Well for PR and not bearding. And I’m a gay myself. 2/3

I just feel like there is a certain sexism even in accepting someone’s sexuality - male gays. Or homophobia: I’ve heard lot of hets and homophobs say they’d more likely accept a lesbian than male gay if they had to choose or held on a gunpoint. Idk, if I make any sense or you got my point. I’m sorry for the lack of better words to explain what i Mean 3/3

- - - - - - - -

Sorry if I’ve misinterpreted anything you’ve written, but it seems to me like you’re trying to say that your impression of the GP’s attitudes towards queer figures is that they’re more likely to accept homosexual males over homosexual females?

I will say, I think this might be very specific to the communities/societies you’re observing. I don’t think there’s one broad generalization for the attitudes of the entirety of human society.

But regarding the attitudes you have observed in whichever spaces you’ve navigated/been a part of, it sounds like:

1. There is a greater heteronormative blindness to female queerness than male queerness, like your example for how people might identify Shon as being gay but completely overlook the possibility of Camila being gay

and

2. There is a greater acceptance of male queerness than female queerness

Honestly I think the two attitudes are related and have something in common. And the word for what they have in common is Misogyny.

I’ll start with (2) which I interpret as a product of male entitlement. A queer male does not present a challenge to a man’s sense of entitlement towards women. However, a queer woman does challenge that sense of entitlement. A woman who isn’t attracted to men? Who would want that?

And then coming back around to (1) if I have a sense of entitlement towards women, doesn’t it make sense that I then see women as existing for men? Why would I see it any differently?

If these attitudes and values are normalized and ingrained within a culture/society, then it’s no surprise that it probably isn’t just men who harbor these perspectives. Ever wonder why sometimes mothers and grandmothers have these really gross outdated ideas when it comes to women and gender roles? Yeah.

[antivancoffeelover]

I have a genuine question. How often do you actually deal with antis? I've been following you for a bit now and it seems every so often you bring up antis. I've certainly kept my interest about thorki shut and locked away in a box from my friends for the simple fact that all of them think it's incest. It's not an easy topic of conversation but you just seem to handle all the antis so well? Also on an off note about beast!Thor, his favorite pass time must just be rutting into Loki 24/7 🤔

when someone tells you that you're romanticizing abuse [bc i made a stockholm moodboard for a fic] I don't know what I'm supposed to say other than I don't condone it but I write about it? Is writing about abusive relationships bad in writing??? you're the only person i ask for advice so thank you for anything in advance

i’m honestly really glad you came to me. i really do like discussing this topic in this kind of way bc i’ll never reblog an anti or answer an anti ask. even if you’re arguing against them, i don’t think it’s worth it to argue against them if it means also spreading what they’re saying

the basic premise of all anti behavior and ideology is censorship. that’s all it is. 

“i don’t like this topic, you need to stop writing it and making art for it. if you don’t stop there will be consequences.”

that is censorship and that is the kind of shit fandom has had to fight ever since there’s been fandom. women, poc, lgbt+ folks have been dealing with people telling us what we can and can’t write and enjoy for... well, probably forever. but we’re still here, creating the kind of content we want to see and indulge in.

as far as how to deal with antis, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. they want what any bully wants: attention

you stop paying attention, you stop giving them time they don’t deserve from you, they’ll die off. there’s no point in fighting them directly. produce the content you want to see and enjoy what you want to enjoy. drown them out. you don’t owe them a response just because they come to you. they don’t have any qualms about being rude to you, so be rude back and just ignore them. i love blocking antis, personally. take out the garbage, y’know?

antis use the words ship and support as synonyms because they think that shipping is some radical call to action for lgbt rep instead of entertainment

shipping is not activism. shipping is about entertainment and enjoyment, nothing more

so this is why i have this very blasé attitude about antis. i just don’t give a fuck about them beyond making posts trashing their idiocy. because that’s what it is. it’s idiocy, but going deeper it’s puritanism at its finest. antis use fox news scare tactic logic under the guise of some pseudo feminist agenda because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand that enjoying dark fiction as entertainment isn’t equivalent to some greater moral stance

they use the same argument about shipping and fanfiction that WASP moms use against video games and loud music: that enjoying and consuming it will make you think it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it irl

okay, well, vlad the impaler never played CoD or far cry and caligula never watched hentai but we know why i’m bringing them up in this context without even heading over to wikipedia, don’t we?

they use the words abuse and pedophilia waaaaaayy too liberally and they’re doing more harm than good because they’re twisting and warping words that should have very specific meanings by using them so goddamn vaguely and irresponsibly 

my own personal theory is that these people are terrified that if they don’t yell in opposition to these topics 24/7 and actively attack content creators that they’d probably enjoy it, and they’ve been so programmed by the echo chamber of tumblr and twitter that they think this means they’re bad people. 

spoiler alert: that’s not what it means

i literally watched a circle jerk on twitter where screenshots of some mafia starker au got tweeted and retweeted w/ pictures of someone pouring bleach into cereal and people had asked to see more of the post. if you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t hate-read about it. it’s not productive, it does more harm than good if that’s the actual issue rather than some reverse psychology-style enjoyment they’re probably getting out of it.

they claim to hate this shit so much, but they’re reading hundreds and thousands of words and putting these images in their heads of their own free will. i don’t do that with shit i genuinely dislike. i avoid it.

i see antis say they enjoy thorki fanart because they think it’s cute, then they see it’s tagged thorki and they have an over the top reaction because the nature of anti ideology states you should never enjoy something like that, so if you do then you have to make the excuse of ignorance to prove that you’re still innocent and pure. enjoyment is apologism to them because they aren’t content to simply attack fan creators, they want to try and drive away the people who consume our art as well because they know you’re the cornerstone of fandom. consumers are why creators create. yeah, i write because i enjoy it, but i also write to connect to my readers and have people commenting on my fics when they like them.

it’s also worth noting that antis only ever talk about shipping. they only talk about sexual and romantic ships. i’ve never seen an anti talk about (often extreme) levels of violence in canon source material for the ships and characters they want to froth at the mouth over. 

seeing someone bleed out and choking on their own blood after being stabbed or shot or bludgeoned? meh

seeing a character who was once a child have a sexual thought about a character who was also once a child and is also their close friend? omg why are we trying to make fandom unsafe for people?

personally, i’ve also noticed that fandoms with darker canon material tend to have more chill fandoms most of the time. i think it also depends on the average age in a given fandom. there’s a major difference between fannibals and steven universe fans, let’s just say that.

creating a moodboard for a dark fic is not “romanticizing abuse” and at this point antis honestly have no fucking idea what that phrase is. they use those words the way a bored CEO uses social media buzzwords and hashtags in a staff meeting

if antis want to see true romanticizing of abuse then they can go to serial killer thirst tags and spot the fucking differences between shippers and people who forget that ted bundy was weak, flaccid, cowardly piece of shit

writing something dark or violent or whatever else and condoning the act or doing the act are different. this is why stephen king isn’t under government surveillance or in prison.

make no mistake, this anti shit only applies to fandom. they’re attacking creators here because creators out at the professional levels don’t give a fuck. they’ve tried, and they’ve failed. 

creators at the professional level understand something antis don’t: that being able to reconcile your enjoyment of dark media can be a sign of emotional intelligence and good emotional health. it’s cathartic. it’s allowed to be cathartic.

the most common consumers of dark fiction are members of minority communities and people who’ve been emotionally and/or sexually repressed for one reason or another. 

antis want to say that fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and they are 100% correct! because writing fanfiction and original fiction that relates to parts of my life that nearly killed me gives me control over something that was beyond me in the original context. writing about fucked up codependent, violent romance allows me to process my shit in a way that’s healthy and produces something fun and enjoyable.

my therapist knows i ship thorki, she knows i write thorki. i’ve had her read pieces of fanfiction i’ve written in addition to pieces of original fiction. y’know what she said? “wow, baylen, that’s vivid. you have a way with words!”

i read her a line out of smart boy and told her what the story was about and this trained professional said “well it’s a productive way to process some emotion that you clearly need to let out”

but you know what? if someone doesn’t have the trauma i have? let them write it, too! let them create and enjoy the fictional content they want! more cake, y’all!

finally getting around to one of the first parts of your ask, lol. thorki is incest. thor and loki are brothers. they were raised believing they were blood brothers, even. loki being adopted doesn’t change a thousand years of personal history where thor looked at loki and thought that they came out of the same woman, y’know? 

that’s his brother and in the comics his attachment to loki is even more intense. the mcu nerfed that shit. loki’s life has been intrinsically tied to thor’s ability to feel a full sense of joy. 

enjoying an incest ship isn’t some sign of moral depravity. writing abusive relationships isn’t bad. gone girl was made into an award winning movie. art should look like life, and sometimes life fucking sucks. dark stories, sad stories, fucked up holy shit idk if i can go to sleep after i read this stories exist for a reason. we need them. we have to have an outlet for our frustration, our anger, and especially our fear.

so which is the healthier option of these

to write up a piece of fanfiction where two siblings are in love in a way that might be cute and soft or might be destructive, depending on your mood?

or

attacking strangers you don’t know online and threatening violence against anyone who doesn’t think like you do?

i know what kind of person i want to be.

ship and let ship, thanks for reading my doctoral thesis office hours are always

[skrunksthatwunk]

man ok so I've been trying to be more attentive to the way my body feels bc apparently i feel bad way more than i really notice and man i feel so goofy stupid about it

wait, maybe I'm visually sensitive?? what a shock!! i thought everyone had moments where they wished they were blind as a kid. i thought everyone felt better when they broke their glasses bc there was less detail and it made things less overwhelming. i thought everyone had to lie in the dark for a couple hours every day just to feel normal. i thought everyone's eyes hurt when they went outside even if it was cloudy. i thought everyone preferred looking at things via peripheral vision bc it's less direct. i thought everyone wore black every day so their eyes have somewhere to rest on. what the hell is this normal???? is it????? probably not right???????? what the hell

like i just didn't realize i felt bad until i felt better?? i never considered that i could be any of these things bc no one told me to pay attention to it and ignoring it was easier. and even when i did it was kind of a :/ feeling like a 3/10 discomfort peaking at 6/10 all day and then "hey wow why can't I do anything now that I'm home" like,, dipshit it's bc you're in hell what. maybe your idea of a 3/10 isn't right ya moron

oh maybe i don't feel as brain staticy after walking through the halls if i play music. it's almost as if it's overwhelming and bad. and i already knew that but i always get stuck not doing things differently so i didn't bother bc i could tolerate it (probably by dissociating tbh) and wow yeah now that i am it's just. easier. sheesh

oh, i can feel my bone marrow retreating into my body whenever i touch wet clothes? noted. can't actually do much about that one but it's the thought that counts

it even goes for nonsensory stuff like stimming and communication. maybe THATS why i wish so badly that i could communicate nonverbally (esp ASL, seems super useful), why it feels So Wrong To Talk sometimes. maybe THATS why i gotta move and/or make noise like 70% of the time and always have in some way. maybe THATS why i can't understand people if they're muffled/have an accent I'm not familiar with/if multiple ppl are talking, and why there's a delay in processing, and why i can't watch things without subtitles. hell hell ass hell hell hell etc

and a lotta this is only stuff i realized bc i started looking into various flavors of neurodivergency. still not really willing to self diagnose until i do more legit big boy research but at the very least apparently I'm onto SOMETHING if these realizations keep happening. like even if I'm neurotypical and faking it or just quirky or whatever it's making my life better to pay attention to how i feel for once so..? yeah it's productive ig. i swear this is a positive post guys

and a lot of it's easier realizing people don't usually mean 100% universal literal inability when they're talking about not being able to do stuff or when they experience things really strongly. sometimes stuff is just disproportionately hard or rare for someone. shit man idk. doesn't mean they ain't disabled or nd or whatever and, therefore, it doesn't mean i can't be just bc i used to be able to do my homework before the deadline :/ when ppl have special interests it doesn't mean they only think about one thing for their entire lives hell ass of course not why would you think that. jeez.

anyway i swear this is a good silly thing even though the tone is a bit mad(?) but sometimes it's just baffling the way I've lived my entire life. clown behavior. what is wrong with me. shape up there bud

[dzpenumbra]

I'm censoring my thoughts again, I've noticed. It's been a while. I was going to write about something else but I deleted it from my own journal. It's pretty raw, unresolved stuff from the past two days, so it makes sense. I just don't like hiding things from view, it defeats the point of all this.

Having my parents pay my rent while I try to pursue a failing art/writing/streaming career is just really embarassing to type out. I didn't mind it in college, but that was many moons ago. It has fucked up a lot of my self esteem, my confidence, you name it. I feel like I'm clinging on to a pipe dream, a fantasy - which I happen to have a worthless BA in. That I'm clearly not talented enough to be successful, this career just isn't happening, I just haven't caught on yet. I fear that one day they're just gonna get sick of this and cut it off, and that will be the day I kiss my creativity goodbye. My soul goodbye. It's happened before, when I got into my first live-in relationship and I took it SUPER serious. I made getting my shit straight a full-time job, and creativity just disappeared. It almost killed me, it took a physical toll on my body, not to mention how much it fucked up my identity, my sense of self, my picture of who I even am. I don't ever want to go back to that, let alone of my own choosing.

I keep trying to communicate this version of myself that I'm trying to preserve and enhance to my Mom, the way I did with other people in support roles. I display full work days working on multiple pieces in multiple mediums. I show a project list with 10 big projects on it. I show streaming to have a social/publicity element. I show putting one of the several book ideas I've had into a finished product and getting it on shelves. I show this detailed image of the life I hope to live, that I'm already living minus the customers. Their reaction is to tell me to just get a job in a related field, and meet people through that. Like... to give 8 hours of my work day to doing work on other peoples' stuff, time I could be spending in the studio. Then I can use that job to meet people who might give a shit about my work. It's hard to not read that as "I'm not a fan, I don' t know anyone who would have any interest in your shit, but maybe if you just work somewhere someone there might give a shit."

I don't know. I'm not against it, I could enjoy myself doing a wide array of jobs that aren't even directly art related. Archaeologist, work in a curiosity shop, or game shop, or an antique store. I just freak out about losing time. I've already lost so much, I constantly feel hopelessly behind because of years and years lost to stupid doctors and stupid misdiagnoses, and my own stupid anxiety complexes. Ugh. So every piece I finish, I feel like I need 100 more to even make a dent. Perpetually playing catch-up.

So yeah, that sucks a whole lot. And I tug this ball and chain around everywhere I go. And it's kinda relieving to say it out loud. Still feels very shameful. Probably all the loss attached to it. Idk.

I don't want to upset anyone. I just want to make my art and my music, my writing and my stories. That's all. I don't want to give it up. I just want to make it work. I made a lot of sacrifices to get to this point, I don't want to give up now. If all it takes to be a self-sustaining professional is time invested and hard work, I'll do whatever it takes. I don't give a fuck if it's just living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life and never owning a house or whatever. At least I don't let my soul die, just to keep my body alive. Again.

Sorry for the grumpiness, I'm just very tired of carrying this burden. All I want is for ONE of my list of ideas to start a chain reaction. That's all. Then I can finally proudly, confidently introduce myself to people. Until then, it will continue to be shame.

🌘Night night 🌒

[lothcatlovesysalamiri]

Tumblr queers, I have a q: say you finally came out to your mom, who is, let's be honest, kinda cray and not the most politically correct and claims to be A Liberal but still makes a lot of inappropriate comments, but boy, she Does Try but yeah, it would do her a LOT of good to read an Ibram X. Kendi book. But she's a product of her generation, as they say, and has always been pro-equality and liberalish, and when you told her you're Some Kinda Gay, she just said, "Okay." Which is exactly what she said when her One Gay Friend came out to her 20 years ago or whenever (that and "I kinda figured."). This is okay, right? I mean, it could be a LOT worse. We talked about it a little bit, and then moved on. Idk what I expected. I've had to face the music and realize that my mom is NOT who I thought she was and very, very flawed. Days after I told her, we got into a horrible argument where she brought up all these past arguments that I thought were resolved (she has turned into a very, very bitter person), and she said I'd "changed" and "she didn't even recognize me anymore," and I was like what, being a nicer, kinder, calmer, more mentally healthy, more progressively liberal person who doesn't think exactly like you is bad?? Guess so. Idk what I expected. I mean, I did expect she'd take it okay. I thought that the half-dozen other times I'd hinted or outright mentioned it over text messages would've done the trick, but I guess people don't get it till you outright say "HEY YOU KNOW I'M NOT 100% STRAIGHT RIGHT???" I thought maybe she'd say "oh yeah I kinda figured" or "I had a feeling." But she never noticed???? "You said you kissed your sorority sisters." Uh okay?? When that happened back in college, she awkwardly asked, "Did you like it?" Which, at the time, I was like, "Mom, I was drunk and curious." Because I didn't know!!! I thought it was just, like, that's what you do when you're drunk, don't you?

Anyway. Just wondering what you more Seasoned Queers think. 😕 It's only been recently that I've started to accept that this is A Thing for me, and I'm still Very Confused about all of it. I feel stupid for not realizing this about myself sooner, though I have read enough and heard enough stories about how long it takes people to figure out their sexuality to know I am no different. I AM, however, volunteering for a Pride event in a couple weeks and very excited!!! I am nervous because I am afraid I'll say something, like...admit it? Which sounds weird??? I don't feel a part of the community. I don't FEEL valid, like I'm not "legit."

...okay, that turned into way more. Sorry. 😔

[sidehoeconfessions]

5/14

So Basically, on Sunday he picked me up from my friend's house to hook up in his car but shit went south because it was a lunar eclipse (of course).

One of my favorite moments was when his mom called and told him that it was a school night so not to be out too late (it was deadass 1:30am).

But anyway, I ended up doing something I've never done before. I ended up leaving her house and going to his (my mom still thought I was at my friend's house). This sounds super lame of me but I've never been to a guy's house, let alone sleep over, and I'm 17. So we were driving to his house and I had aux and was just blasting driving music. We get to a side of town I don't think I've ever been to and this is when it starts clicking. I knew he was rich but it didn't really hit me until we were driving into the community and saw the trees with the little lights under them, you know? And so we get to this huge house and he tells me, "When you get inside, you're gonna walk in, then go up the stairs to the left. Take your shoes off so you're quiet." I'm so nervous at that point because he said that his parents are super chill so even if they saw me they wouldn't really care, but still, I've never snuck into anyone's house.

I sneak upstairs and he goes to talk to his parents and the inside was so pretty. I'm waiting upstairs and I see his big ass walk up the stairs and smile at me and then we go into his room and I put my stuff down.

We were just laying in bed and I was lowkey paranoid because I have life360 on my phone and I was just waiting on a call from my mom freaking out telling me I'm gonna get my ass beat. But it never happened.

We kept trying to watch movies but nothing was loading so we ended up turning the tv off and laying in the dark. Obviously we start fucking but the fan was drying everything out so everything kept getting all stiff down there. Then went to his older brother's room and got some lube and I couldn't help but laugh because it was in one of those bottles where to you have to push down the cap and it kept making the squirting sound (I sound immature asf ik, but you have to understand the situation I was in and the fact that it was almost pitch black in there with no sound other than the squirting bottle).

I ended up getting lube all over me and I forgot to add that he's this 6-something football player and I'm only 5'3" and 120lbs so he carried me into his bathroom, put me up on he counter and we start talking and then he puts me down and I have like my back pressed up against his stomach and we're looking at each other in the mirror. He keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how perfect I am and idk it was just hitting me different. My hair was straightened and so from all the sweating it had gotten puffy so once we step into the shower (it was so fucking pretty inside, it had a little bench thing and was filled with products and stuff) he washed my hair for me then we finished or whatever and got out.

It's 2:43am and I'm tired so I'll write pt.2 later <3

[edengarden]

hey this is the same 🥞 anon who sent a regular matchup request for bnha! is it ok if i ask for another regular matchup but with a haikyuu character this time? ill resend my info again for ur convenience :)

positive traits: im responsible as i like to be productive all the time, im naturally caring towards my friends and family, i think im a chill and easygoing person as long as i like u

negative traits: im kind of closed off about my personal problems since im not one to be comfortable about being vulnerable? if that makes sense (but im always willing to listen to others tho), i can get stubborn at times, im terrible at taking care of myself even tho i always look after others lol

hobbies: watching true crime documentaries, painting/drawing, working out (i usually go on morning runs), baking

appearance: im 5'5, asian, i have long black hair and dark brown eyes, my body type is on the lean and curvier side i guess? idk if this counts as appearance but my sense of fashion is a mix of street style and formal wear + the occasional chill loungewear sets if im feeling lazy lol

music taste: idek if these are the right terms but it's a mix of r&b + contemporary soul + rap. if it helps, my current favorite artists are frank ocean and joji! i've been into wallows lately too for some reason haha

traits i look for: observant—im very appreciative of it when a person just knows how to read my mood swings even if i don't have to talk about my emotions. i also want someone who is very reliable and overall a stable person, i feel that having a sense of security is just important to me. im a low-maintenance, and independent type of person so i'd hope for my partner to be respectful of my decisions (and ofc i'd reciprocate that for him as well)

traits i don't like in others: the one thing i hate the most is when people get pushy with me, i usually don't change my mind once i've made a final decision. based on experience, im also not compatible with people who like to hoard attention to themselves so i usually avoid this type of people LOL i also don't like it when they're overly clingy. lastly, (bc i feel like i've said too many alrdy) it's a turn off for me when they lack ambition or they rarely put effort in the things they do just bc they don't feel like it.

star signs: virgo sun, taurus moon, sag rising

hogwarts house: slytherin

mbti type: istj

fun facts about myself: i cannot survive a day without drinking at least one cup of coffee. i absolutely love cats but i can't have one bc my sister is allergic to them 💔 i've never been in a relationship before so idk how i'll be as a partner to be honest LOL this is so random but i suffer from insomnia and sleep paralysis nowadays so ya girl be very sleep deprived and barely functioning 😩 i have a resting bitch face so people often tell me they get intimidated when they first meet me... it's really not my intention to scare away these people tho im just not always aware of it T_T

okay i think that's all i have to say about myself! thank you for doing this btw i hope ure having a wonderful day :)

I’m marching you up with Daichi!!

I think that Daichi in a relationship is just the right amount of independent without feeling too detached from you, and that the two of you almost seem like the perfect team! Dude, this man is so down to earth and patient, everything feels so stable with him. Guy’s organized, mature, communicates well, and has a good sense of humour? You got yourself the whole package, congrats!

Daichi can pick up on moods, though he likes to sort things out or confirm them through communication. He won’t be coming to your every beck and call, but he’s there for you when you need someone to talk to. He also encourages you to fight your own battles. He’s so, so proud of you when you show signs of personal growth though!!

This man seems like the type who will totally get into the coffee world. Please stop him before he wastes thousands of dollars on a machine, grinder, and whatever else those fanatics use to make coffee. With that said though, his favourite part of the day is when you beg him for a cup of good, authentic coffee.