#I've had too many issues with doctors but i NEED SOMETHING CHANGED

[snubbullls]

Trying not to doom spiral

Trying not to doom spiral

Trying not to doom spiral

[nrdmssgs]

can you write something with reader and gromsko and how gromsko would treat her if she was his wife? i’ve heard some seriously questionable things about polish people from my boyfriend, he could be biased but from what i know they are super misogynistic and gromsko gives off traditional vibes yknow.

Masterlist

Wow, that is a very interesting request, actually!

First of all, I am very sorry, that your boyfriend had bad experience with Polish people and I really hope, that things get better. My very first work was in a Polish company, and I've met the sweetest, nicest people there. There was literally one issue - I was young, tiny and underweight, and they all felt sorry about that and constantly tried to feed me.)) So the reason I'm telling this here is to highlight, that there are so many different people in every country.

I don't have anything against authors, who chose to depict him as very traditional (in a negative way) person. It is always important to not forget, such people exist. But I want to offer you a slightly different approach to him. Let's just call it an experiment and see, if it works both for you and me, ok? We will keep this guy traditional more or less, but shift him to a non-toxic side.

Husband Gromsko HCs

Long before the marriage, he takes you with him on a trip across Poland to meet his relatives. Won't stop until you meet everyone. Grannies, aunties, nieces - everyone. You are about to become part of his family and it's important to him, that you are truly integrated in the family and shown love from every single part of it.

He asks his parents to bless your marriage, and definitely asks your parents to let him make a proposal to you. It is not that he is dependent - he was raised in a culture, where respect to elderly is everything.

Regardless of how devout he and you are (even if you are an atheist), Gromskо will persuade you to a traditional wedding ceremony.

If you do not belong to any church or are simply a representative of another faith, he will not rest until he persuades the priest of his native church to allow you two to marry.

Yes, this guy will start to fight for your marriage long before it even starts. He doesn't try to force you into faith though. If needed - he is ready to pray for you both. Because you are his love and Sobieslaw has enough faith to keep you in Gods good books.

Once you are his, truly and finally his - Sobieslaws mind is all concentrated on two objectives: domesticating you and welcoming children in your family.

His biggest fear is to fail you. And in his mind, keeping you on your work equals failing you. If you worry about money - it means to Gromsko, that he doesn't provide well enough.

It will take a lot of talking to change his mind. But eventually he will understand. No matter, what he is taught to believe - you, his wife, love of his life, come first. Always. If you are 100% sure, this is the way, you want to live - he will support your choice to keep your work.

He wants children. Not a single child - children. It will break his heart, if you are not in the same boat with him on that one. He won't push you too hard, won't give ultimatums - but he will constantly try to bring the similar wish into your mind.

He is a 'look how adorable these little ones', 'look how tiny this baby beanie is' type of guy. Watches his friends kids on the playground, while embracing you lovingly and whispering 'they are sweet, but our little treasure would be the sweetest'.

If you are as enthusiastic as he is, and you get pregnant - prepare to meet doctor Gromsko. He won't leave your side, not for a day, even if it affects his career. Who gives a f**k about work stuff, when the most important person out there prepares to gift him the second most important person in his life?

He will monitor you constantly, take you to every single check up, make sure you get all the essential vitamins, have enough of fresh air daily and NO stress.

Will welcome his child with tears, will cover your face with frantic, desperate kisses afterwards. "Dziękuję kochanie... dziękuję, dziękuję,dziękuję*!"

Gromsko loves it, when everybody knows, that you are his and he is yours. So please, if you take off your wedding ring for any reason - wear it on a chain as a necklace. Otherwise, he will be terrified, that it is a sign, you don't want him by your side anymore.

He is constantly worried, you might get sick, so he makes sure, you are always warm, you eat well (no matter what your body type is, his granny will still call you too thin, so Sobieslaw will worry about that), you get health checkups every now and then (even if you are feeling perfect!!!).

The most supporting guy, if you decide for any reason, that you don't want to work actively and choose to stay at home.

Gromsko won't just settle with 'ok, good, now I finally have a stay at home wifey'. He will make sure, you like every part of your home, have enough time and space for your hobbies, feel safe and loved.

By the way, the guy looks like the 'I'll build our house on my own' type. Who, if not him, knows better, what makes an ideal home for you and him? Of course, you can choose all the decorations, materials and so on. But he is the one, doing the building.

Dziękuję kochanie… dziękuję, dziękuję,dziękuję - Thank you, love... thank you, thank you, thank you.

[breaking-binary-system]

So, especially with it being disability pride month, I've noticed something more and more: A lot of people, disabled and able-bodied, give a TON of hate to us ambulatory wheelchair users. So, I decided fuck it let me tell people a story about one.

There was this boy. He grew up with a disabled father and a mother who had a ton of chronic pain. He could see the effects. By the time this boy was 5, his father walked full time on a cane.

When he turned 11, he started suffering from severe debilitating leg pain. To the point he would miss school for days and would spend all day every day sobbing his eyes out from how severe it took, even after taking the max amount of ibuprofen and Tylenol he could. He eventually got into seeing a rheumatologist out of fear it was something rheumatology related.

For 6 years, the boy was constantly in pain and the most he would get told is "well your double jointed that's why you have this much pain, just go do physical therapy". That never helped him. When he turned 17, everything changed.

He went to go see a different doctor at this office, one he had to wait years for since she saw adults and, well, 17 was just close enough to be tolerated. She looked at his blood tests and did a physical and came to a realization.

"It's not that you're double jointed, you have rheumatoid arthritis. It's why your shoulders grind, they lack cartilage now from years of this disorder. Let's do our best to treat it"

That started a year's worth of trial and error before she finally decided to give the boy an immunosuppressant that had worked for his father who also had the disorder. He wasn't cured but, quickly, his symptoms started to go away more and more.

This boy, from the age of 15 on, had to use mobility aids frequently if not all the time. It started with a simple cane and while it helped, his hands couldn't take the pressure on his nerves. So, he tried a walker. And that helped too. Forearm crutches were best to get him still able to have some ability to walk. He found something that made his life a lot easier however.

His grandfather had a multitude of issues, many of which required him to have a wheelchair before he passed. So, his grandfather made it known that any mobility aids the boys father didn't use, the boy was more than welcome to have. So, he decided one day to try and use the wheelchair.

Suddenly things were so much easier. He couldn't walk all the time yes and he didn't need the chair 24/7 but it meant that when his POTS was acting up or he was in a arthritis flare up, he could use a wheelchair and still be mobile. It changed his life. However he wasn't free from shame and hate on how he shouldn't use one.

He was told repeatedly it wasn't that bad and he was being dramatic and was taking away from people who actually needed them. This boy was 18. He had a disorder that was seen as an "old person" disorder. His body was literally attacking itself. And here was a ton of people attacking him for needing a wheelchair or, if he was in a store with them, a mobility scooter.

This boy took months of steady therapy to be willing to even go in public with the wheelchair again. A lot of it took support from his boyfriend and his father who encouraged him and reminded him that it was OKAY to use a mobility aid, even if he didn't need it 24/7.

If you haven't caught on now don't worry, I'll just say it. I am that boy. I still need reminders from my boyfriend or my father that it's okay to need my wheelchair and I'm not stealing anything, my body has day's of different intensities. Take today.

I thought all I would need is forearm crutches and I'm typing this in my wheelchair and I feel a lot better now that I've used it since, due to the fact this chair is meant to be sat in for someone with a disability not just a regular every day chair, my legs are feeling a shit ton better.

My left knee has been in an awful flare up for about a month and a half at this point. Today it got unbearable so I just sat in the wheelchair my dad keeps at his job for me. I can move now without wanting to cry.

This is a really long post and I'm not entirely sure why i started it to be honest, blame the whole "oh yeah I have a CDD" and the fact that, well, I've been diagnosed with ADHD, specifically attention deficit part.

Something I wanna end this long post on. Don't think just because you saw someone walking yesterday or even 10 minutes ago and now they're in a wheelchair that they're faking or something. Shit can change in a matter of MINUTES.

[miasmaghoul]

I just, I don't even know what to say

W O W

Ok, serious chat for a moment. Warnings for mentions of an ED and medical mistreatment.

It's so frustrating to still see shit like this when I grew up in the days of fat free everything and Weight Watchers ads every 5 minutes on TV.

Why is it fat people that everyone agrees to dogpile on? We're bullied incessantly for something that a lot of us can't even fix or help, because people who AREN'T fat assume we're just lazy pigs. Like yeah, please just disregard my physical debility and MULTIPLE hormonal issues and just assume that I just shovel food into my mouth constantly. Oh, you say I can't have an eating disorder because I'm fat and "those people" are skinny? BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!

It's bullshit, full stop. I still struggle with my ED, but the older I've gotten the more open and honest with myself I've become. I've never sought treatment for it because, again, I'm still fat. The one time I did bring it up to a doctor, he said "well if you do have an eating disorder then you aren't doing a very good job." I wish I were making that up.

Fat is in my genes, and there are so many other contributing factors it isn't even funny. It's so pounded into our heads that we NEED to be thin (mostly targeting women, let's be real) in order to have value, and I'm so fuckin sick of still hearing about the latest severely unhealthy fad diet or what fucking celebrity is on ozempic.

Which, by the way, I did have pushed on me a couple years ago when regular people could still get their hands on it. It made me feel so much worse. Every dose would trigger a binge, and I would feel horrible for days afterwards. I told my doctor (different from the other one I mentioned) this, and she told me that it was just something I was going to have to deal with because look, you've lost 20lbs since your last visit!

I felt worse than I had in YEARS, but it didn't matter because my body was becoming more socially acceptable. Do you want to know how many times doctors have tried to shove weight loss surgery down my throat? Countless. No matter how many times I say I'm not even there to talk about my weight, and that those surgeries are NOT for me, someone always brings it up. It's crazy how hurtful being ignored for knowing your own body is, because someone else thinks you need to change.

I wish this was something I had figured out when I was younger, but alas. I wore a hoodie over my clothes for 6 years straight, regardless of how hot it was outside, just to try to hide. I made myself miserable, ate barely anything (which would just trigger a binge, of course) and had it beat into my head constantly that my weight was the most important thing about me.

Here's the thing it took me way too long to learn:

IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER

You know what the number on the scale is? It's just a number. Your weight, high or low, is simply a tiny part of who you are as a human. If others choose to judge you based on it, that's not a failure on your part. It's on theirs. Being fat is not a crime, nor is it deserving of the insults and sneers we get in public spaces. People will always find a reason to stare, to whisper and giggle, and the best thing you can do for yourself is not give them the time of day.

I realize that's not easy. It's taken me 30+ years to reach a point where I've realized that going out in public is a necessity, and that the only reason I think people are staring at me is because advertisements like this punched the concept into my fragile little mind as a kid. At the end of the day, this is the one thing all fat people need to know:

Being fat is not a moral failure.

There is nothing wrong with you just because you need bigger clothes, mobility aids, or help from others. I don't care what anyone says - your weight is no one's business but your own. You want to lose weight? Go for it! More power to you, you'll get nothing but support from me. But there's nothing wrong with not wanting to do that either. That's really what it comes down to - the assumption that there's something inherently wrong with us because we're bigger than other people.

That's the part that needs to stop. And if anyone ever needs a reminder, my asks are always open. You're beautiful, I promise. 💜

Thank you for coming to my TED talk lmao

(I'm sure some asshole anons will come at me for "glorifying obesity" or "promoting unhealthy lifestyles". I assure you I am not. I am simply trying to help normalize a different mindset. If you're upset that fat people exist and that I'm saying they deserve the same care and compassion as anybody else, then you need to do a little bit of internal examination there. I promise fat people have not hurt you by virtue of existing in larger bodies ♡)

[zoroshark]

Hey! This is Zoro coming with an update about my health as quite a few things have happened the past couple of months. As some may know, I've been dealing with chronic pain and illness since February of last year as mentioned in this post here.

A quick summary of it was that I have been dealing with constant bladder and stomach problems suddenly that were disrupting day to day life as they were painful and constant. Despite the multiple hospital visits, nothing was really done and at the time I could only wait to see certain specialists (which required a lot of money to see). Recently however, I finally got an answer to what was causing me pain in one part of my stomach! The culprit was my gallbladder and it has been removed!

The rest of the post will be caught off so for those who want to read in more detail, but one issue has been solved (at least i hope so)!

I also want to note here and thank everyone who's been supportive of me during this rough patch in my life. I also want to thank those who sent money for the GoFundMe! However, due to a few circumstances which will also be explained in the read more section, I will be refunding it all to those who donated.

TLDR version of my reason is that I was advise to do so for the eligibility medical/financial benefits I've been looking into. The refunds should be sent in about a week, so keep and eye out!

TW for Medical related subjects such as surgery.

For what was causing me pain in my stomach, or at least one of the reasons:

Turns out I had gallstones that somehow CT scans and ultrasounds didn't pick up last year, despite the pain and discomfort I was in from them. It got to the point where the pain was so unbearable, I was crying for about 2-3 hours before going to the ER. They found one stone had thicken walls through the ultrasounds and my gallbladder was infected from these stones.

Because of the findings, I underwent surgery to completely remove it during my stay in the hospital. I am now close to two weeks post-op and so far it has relieved most, if not all, of the constant pain I've been in my upper right. While I still have issues elsewhere in my body, it feels nice to have one issue solved. I just hope I don't need another trip to the ER anytime soon.

As for the detailed explanation for refunding the GoFundMe donations:

A few months back I after the go found me, I was accepted in a financial assistance program that made doctor's visits way cheaper. From close to hundreds of dollars to 3 dollars, that was way more an affordable price range for me. Despite that, i kept the donations on hold just in cause anything changed or something wasn't covered by the program until now.

Along with that, I've been applying for disability as I am considered disabled by my psychiatrist due to my mental health. After talking to a few folks who knew about the system, they mentioned that the money from the fundraiser could harm the process in gaining these benefits. Their recommended course of action was to refund the money as a precaution, so I'm following their advice. After the refunds have gone through, I will be closing the fundraiser.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, I want to give a massive thank you everyone in general who have supported me through all this. Its been difficult, especially since I had to accommodate to the pain and changes in my body. There has been MANY ups and for sure downs, but I'm still holding on!

Thank you for reading on this update, and expect to see me slowly become active again on here! I'm still in my Zonai phase so expect more content revolving around that, along with possible Zora content. Original works not involving fandoms will also (hopefully) be posted too!

Im also thinking of opening commissions in the future! I'll need to ask about that first due to what I mentioned above, but as far as I'm aware, I should be okay to do so (but don't quote me on it). So keep an eye out!

[juvia-is-beast]

Hey Y'all I rarely post stuff of my own but I'm in need of help. I've always had a hard time asking for help but I've become desperate. I just moved out of my toxic Indian household at 27 with no savings because my mom would take all of my SSI checks and huge chunks of my paycheck that I worked for. I'm having a lot of health issues and chronic pain flare ups. I work at a college but I've been put in an administrative role until I can get my health in order. I don't have as many hours but now I can actually see doctors. My family was preventing me from getting help, from seeing doctors or getting my meds on time. I have PTSD and I can't drive because of it. I need financial help. I've been approved for SNAP but I'm waiting on my EBT card. I'll be going to a food bank tomorrow to get some food but that still leaves me with no funds to buy medical marijuana. I've been experiencing nerve pain the last 2 months and hormonal migraines for a straight month. I live in FL and it's super heavily taxed and I'm having trouble getting my muscle relaxers re-prescribed because I need a specialist to prescribe them for my insurance to keep paying for them. I have no other proper pain management rn. Please help me. I know the global climate is at its worst right now and I feel guilty making this post with everything going on in Palestine but that doesn't change the fact that I NEED HELP.

If you can help in any way please, even suggestions on what to do better with e-begging would be greatly appreciated.

My Cash@pp: $ButtPirate27

I can also tutor you online in Algebra if you need a math tutor I can help with Pre-Calc and Trig too but I'm far too rusty on Calculus to tutor but I would gladly tutor for any financial help.

If you want more info on my situation I don't mind sharing. I've been on Tumblr for 11 years and barely ever posted about my own life. I know that there are definitely people here willing to help but there have also been a fair share of scammers so I understand the hesitation. Here's my cat Ares, something cute to look at. I want to get him a cat tree too and a bin to make a housed litter box for him.

[quirkwizard]

I've been wondering how medical care would be involved with quirks and what you thoughts were. Some thoughts I've had were if there are specialists for certain quirk types, such as fire quirks or physical therapists for strength enhancement quirks. Would checking the ability of a person's quirk factor into medical practices, because I doubt many quirks would be at their best performance at all times.

I've already talked about the medical field before, but I can always go over it again.

I could certainly see there being a lot of changes and advancements within the medical field. Quirks are biological in nature and would be covered by doctors. Surely, there would be to massive adjustments to have doctors are trained into to work with this whole new aspect of the human body. I can't imagine all the training doctors would have to go through in order to work with all the new parts a human may or may not have. How do you determine how Since we know that Quirks can be affected by psychological blocks, they are bound to be affected by physical issues of it. Besides very direct examples of it, like Gran Torino poor lungs weakening "Jet" as he ages, I think there are kinds of ways how your physical health could affect Quirks, even something as small and common as a cold. And while I'm not sure if there is any singular way to check someone's Quirk factor, as they are far too varied to fit under a single test, I'm sure you could run a series of tests based around the Quirk's functions. Like a doctor could test and compare the potency of someone's armored shell to a previous visit or see how potent someone's fire is on a dummy.

That being said, I'm not sure if there would be such specific fields for Quirks. I doubt that something as basic or common as a fire power would have a whole field dedicated to it. Besides being too specific of a field to have any kind of doctorate based around, I believe that Quirks are a whole are too diverse to really teach anyone. Then again, the medical world can have super specific surgeons and doctors, so there could be a chance that is a thing. I think it would be more likely that you'd need some equivalent of a general practitioner for Quirks, going to them for any and all medical issues related to Quirks or that whatever field that'd study in would be expanded to include those Quirks. Using the physical therapist examples, they would turn learn how to handle and get the equipment to handle people with hyper dense muscles. Otherwise, I think there would be specialists, just with a broader net. Like there could be a doctor who specializes in people with major mutations to their body, such as "Sludge Villain" or people with Animal Mutations. Stuff like that is such a massive deviation and a common enough issue that I could see it requiring that level of dedication to work it.

[waitingforlostsouls]

One of the biggest issues for me in my life now having to deal with a chronic illness, is that when I'm tired and sick, and I miss an appointment, I'm made to feel like I'm waisting money. Because more often than not, you can't get your money back for these things. And when you have a schedule like mine where you're constantly working, and have to go to doctors appointments, gym times, PT, OT, and specialists on top of that who say 'Well I think you're doing great, but I want to have you back-' you're going to miss something.

And when you're in a situation like what many of us are going through right now with economic stress, having someone tell you that you're waisting money by being sick (which you can't help) makes you feel like shit. And I feel terrible because I'm still in school, and I have to focus on getting my work to my professors; which means that a lot of this pressure to organize stuff is on the other people in my life. So not only do you become aware that you're an economic burden to people, but you feel like an emotional burden on others too. Which, when it comes to dealing with something that drastically changes your life, and already makes you more anxious and depressed as a result, being made to feel like a burden is devastating.

Because what does that do for you? You're in a situation you can't help, but you're being made to feel like the bad guy for having to rely on people, when obviously you rather be doing these things yourself. Everyone tells you to go rest and relax, and that they're here for you; up until things start becoming slightly inconvenient. Because in a world where we've done many good things when it comes to making people aware when they're being used and exploited, we've also validated leaving people to fend for themselves when they obviously can't do so. And that is honestly a make or break aspect of society for people like me, because you have no other option to get help. You can't afford to hire a personal assistant, you can't afford to have someone pick up your groceries for you every week. And most of all, you need people to turn to when you're dealing with all this.

Sometimes you just need a friend to hear you out when you're having a bad day. And the amount of people who have turned into the biggest brats over this is insane. The fact your friend is now sick is not as big a problem for you as it is for them. Why are you taking it out them? I've had to cut little shits out of my life who have gone 'Oh, I'm in this era of like, not caring about anyone else, and only keeping the people in my life who serve me.' Which, as a society, the fact we let people develop that as an idea is a moral failing. Not everything is going to literally serve you. That phrase is meant to be understood emotionally, Jessica. As in "Does it serve you emotionally? Is it adding emotional value to your life?" Not "Are people only doing what you want to do and nothing else? No? They're toxic." That's just not how it works. And the amount of people who have gone and done stuff like that, and tried to make me feel like the asshole for being sick, or not being "fun" anymore is absolutely sickening. They've actually been suprised when I've gone and cut them out of my own life, and sat them down and said I don't want to be friends anymore, because they've acted like that. No honey, it's not cute and quirky that you're going through your sociopath phase where you just can't be bothered to feel sympathy for your sick friend. You actually, and this is crazy, might be a horrible person for being like that. Just a thought. Maybe wake up to the fact humans throughout history have only survived and thrived off of community, and making your sick friend feel like shit for a circumstance they didn't choose, but you agreed to help them through, is shit. This might be controversial, but you are a shit person if you abandon someone and talk down to them for being a "burden" after you have volunteered yourself as a helper, and someone to rely on. You're not the anti-hero. You're just a bad person.

[bettsfic]

“for so many years i had it in my head that if a process is harder, the result is better. it was that mentality that kept me in a job i hated for a long time. it's hard and i don't like it, therefore it's more serious and respectable. it was unconscionable to me to think that something fun and easy could result in something good.”

I do this^ and the fact that someone else could explain it and relate is so eye opening. I grew up with this mindset. Like I wasn’t smart or good enough unless I was struggling unless it was hard. If it was hard and I got something done, then I was a success. Never treated myself like it but that was my philosophy. If something was easy it was stupid and not worth doing. This causes a lot of issues.

I was wondering, if you’re comfortable. Can you talk more about this? And how you got out of this mindset? I’ve noticed that even in my writing I do this and not just in the work aspects of my life.

i think it comes from a place of learned hatred. in the same way learned helplessness develops when a person spends a significant amount of time in an environment where they have no control of or agency over anything, learned hatred is growing up in an environment where you are simply not allowed to exist as you are and you must change or adapt in order to survive.

when you're in a place where you're constantly made aware of your weaknesses and focus only on how to strengthen them, your awareness of your strengths (and the strengths themselves) atrophy. i think all the time about how in a different environment, at 18 it would have been so evident to me that i wanted to be a teacher. and i would have gone to college for teaching and then gotten a job teaching elementary school english or maybe even kindergarten. like if just one person said, "hey you've got real Bob Ross vibes" maybe my life would be completely different. but no, i had it in my head that obviously everyone wanted to become an elementary school teacher, so i couldn't be one, i had to do something no one wants to do, and i became a banker.

i took an IQ test last year, and i know IQ is bullshit, but i tested into like the 99th percentile of verbal intelligence. that's intelligence i've always had but didn't do anything with until i was 24, and because i didn't foster it by allowing myself creativity or really any self expression, my writing skills when i started writing were, well, bad. when i look at my earliest work from about 9 years ago, i can see that i was writing below the level i currently teach. at 24. with a bachelor's degree, having graduated magna cum laude. maybe i'm being hard on myself, but my point is that i was no prodigy. i could've been a gifted kid but i wasn't. i was too busy being dragged onto a baseball field to work on my terrible hand-eye coordination. i entered adulthood believing my work in this world was to deprive myself of happiness and pride myself in misery.

the attitude that changed my perspective was refusal. i refuse to suffer. that means i do everything in my means to alleviate any pain i experience--mentally, emotionally, and physically. and by "pain" i don't mean sadness, because allowing yourself to feel sadness when sadness is due is healthy, but things like abject dread, hating the idea of waking up every morning, things that can destroy you if you hold onto them for long enough. you have to let them go. you can't be complacent to your own pain anymore. when you get a headache, you take ibuprofen. when you come back up from a bad bout of depression, you drag your ass to the doctor to get meds and maybe therapy so it doesn't happen again. when you want something, you give it to yourself.

it's hard. it's hard because there's a benefit in bringing up your weaknesses. i pitched a perfect game in softball when i was a teenager. i'm more coordinated than i would have been if my dad hadn't forced me into every possible sport. working at a bank taught me much needed professionalism and organizational skills, and gave me stability during a time the economy wasn't stable at all. but on focusing on those things, i neglected to foster the stuff about me that was already pretty good.

you can strengthen your weaknesses, but you can also strengthen your strengths. your weaknesses do not have to be dragged up to the same level as your strengths. i made an okay banker. i was a pretty good pitcher. but i'm a great teacher. it took me years to learn finance and softball, but it took me one semester to get my bearings in front of a classroom. i'm a patient and nonjudgmental person. i love learning and so by definition i love explaining. i have a natural "yes, and" disposition. i respect everyone and take their work in this world seriously. i come from a long line of teachers. and yet somehow, despite all this, i had no fucking clue i was a teacher.

i love writing, but i'm not talented, not in the way i've seen talent in some of my students. having a high verbal intelligence only speeds up the skill leveling. and so writing is a side effect. writing is the subject i know well enough to teach at a university or masterclass level. writing allows me to process my own emotions and express myself creatively. writing feels good and it's fun. but teaching is my work.

who you are is okay to be. without trying, without any effort at all, there's something you're already great at. so keep your weaknesses weak and strengthen your strengths. refuse suffering. seek joy.

[ashleywool]

ramblings on the intersection of science and faith

My MRI report came in yesterday.

I'm not gonna get too deep into the medical details until I've had a chance to discuss it in-depth with the professionals (which unfortunately probably won't be until Monday at the earliest), but I do have some things I need to say about it.

First: I'm okay. My life is not in danger. Making these discoveries now has undoubtedly saved me years of struggle that may well have gone on to endanger my life. Instead, I get to address the source of many ongoing issues and most likely cure them all. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty big deal, but not a big scary deal.

Second: yes, I will need surgery. This has not been officially confirmed and its safety signed off on by a doctor, but from reading everything I can get my eyeballs on, I don't see any reason under the sun why surgery would not be the logical and urgent (but not like, emergency urgent) next step.

Again, I'm not gonna go too deep into the details until I understand it better and we have a game plan in place. But I have to talk a little bit about the feelings that are bubbling up around all of this.

My condition, and the particular way it has manifested, is exceedingly rare. I mentioned one of the tests I took to a doctor who had to be older than my parents, and he said, "I have not heard those words in that order since medical school." Of course, I know that just because something is rarely reported doesn't necessarily mean its existence is rare. But in my case, it seems like it's both.

I'm a Broadway actress with no medical background and I somehow figured out what was going on in my body even though it was ridiculously unlikely to be true. And now the doctors have no choice but to acknowledge these discoveries.

I would not have discovered any of these things if it hadn't been for the show closing when it did, my ovarian demon babies causing trouble when they did, having that surgery when I did, and having a chance conversation with a friend who just happened to be marrying a friend I've known since high school (and wouldn't have known if it hadn't been for our one shared chorus class)...any tiny alterations to that timeline could have led to a completely new timeline.

I miss our show every minute of every day. My heart misses it. My bank account misses it. But also, if the show was still running, I'd be physically struggling even more, and I would not have had the time and freedom to pursue the solutions. If the show was still running, and I was still pushing myself to continue with it, it might have caused irreparable (or at least excruciatingly-slow-to-repair) damage.

The sheer statistical likelihood of everything that's happened, everything happening, everything that is in my life right now, is staggeringly low. Practically impossible.

And so, once again I find myself saying, I can't not believe in God. I can't not believe that my life and my purpose were by design and by a Designer.

I could dig deep into arguments about the finer points of theology all day. I could happily lose myself in Bible study--not just the literal words, but the history and cultural context for all of it. I could "academic" my Christianity to death the same way I "academic" everything else in my life to death. By that logic, some would argue, I shouldn't even be a Christian. "Walk by faith and not by sight," and what have you.

But I believe--and this tends to ruffle feathers of Christians and atheists alike--that one must walk by faith only after sight is entirely exhausted. My faith is rooted in the question of what happens when the science stops sciencing. My faith is rooted in the question of, why would humans be driven by a sense of purpose and an impulse to know the answers, unless the answers were meant to be known to us? Even if the answers change nothing, even if our sated curiosity has no practical value, we delight in it.

I think walking by sight often and inevitably leads to faith. Digging deep into science and logic brings us closer to God, not farther away.

Discovering all the things I just discovered about my brain and my body has strengthened my commitment to all the things I feel called to do. And rectifying the situation will enable me to live out those callings with more energy and effectiveness than I've ever had.

I can't conceive of a reality in which that wasn't done on purpose.

Anyway. I'm working on a list of things I'm going to do once I'm on the other side of this, and I'm planting the seeds for them right now. Maybe I'll share it later. Maybe I won't. I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

[gofancyninjaworld]

Morality pets redux

Some parts of this I've posted here before. In the light of the manga's Psychic Sisters arc, I thought it was worth putting my thoughts together. Long-ass post.

"I don’t believe our lives change completely for the better at a short notice. It’s all the small progress we make that’s important ..." -- ONE, interviewed in Yamada Reiji’s Young Sunday ep. 30.

I'm here to talk about characters changing their lives as a result of an important interaction. Part A will seem quite obvious to many, but I ask you to bear with me as it's the foundation from which to build.

A: The Moment

For a guy who doesn't believe in sudden changes, ONE sure has a lot of characters seeming to do just that. Morality pets, the characters who force other characters to look into themselves and learn to be better people, have been a staple of One-Punch Man since the beginning. They're everywhere!

To pick a few (there are many more):

Saitama had the Butt-Chinned kid. His entire destiny changed because of this child.

The seminal moment (chapter 2)

Garou has Tareo.

There's nothing he wouldn't do for this kid (chapter 91 online /93 in print)

Genos gets Tatsumaki. Somehow, this cranky, complicated little asshole whose hands are none too clean and who’d savage him nearly as happily as she does monsters is just what the doctor ordered for his personal development. No one said morality pets had to be cute or helpless!

Feisty, isn't she? Yet she's got things to teach (chapter 133 online/137 in print)

And Tatsumaki has Saitama.

chapter 182

B: Before the Moment

“Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.” ― Jacob August Riis (1849-1914)

So how do we address the contradiction between what ONE says he writes and what we see? By noting that every apparently Damascene conversion turns out to have roots. The reason the Morality Pets are so for the characters is that they force into focus a moral issue the characters have been struggling with and get the characters to make a decision about the issue.

Saitama

Saitama's encounter with the butt-chinned kid and Crablante was not the first time he'd thought of becoming strong enough to fight monsters. He'd been desperately hating being weak even back in middle school, and had been muscle training since.

So he decided to do something about it (extra chapter: 200 Yen)

What Crablante brought into focus was that becoming so strong that he could defeat any monster was something he wanted to 100% do, rather than something he worked on in between work. More importantly, it was something he wanted to do to be a hero. I'll revisit this in the next section.

Chapter 2

Genos

Genos confronted two important philosophical questions that have troubled him. The first is who needs help. Heroes help those who can't so the direction of travel is allegedly clear -- help flows from the strong to the weak, so the stronger you are, the less help you need/deserve/get. When he sets out to follow after Tatsumaki and help her, we see him consider that question explicitly, remembering Saitama coming through for Mumen Rider. The answer to who needs help is anybody, regardless of capability. Which is a radical change to the sense of noblesse oblige that prevails unexamined.

What is a hero for, if they're not for everyone? (chapter 143)

The second is another that's troubled him for a long long while: where the balance of destroying enemies versus protecting others lies. Genos has been as strict a utilitarian as Metal Knight is, with the difference that he's willing to lay down in front of the trolley himself if need be. The cold logic of the matter is that if there's any innocent people to kill to stop a terrible threat from killing many more people, heroes are the right people to kill. They're the people who are prepared to die for others. Genos acknowledges explicitly that killing heroes would have been something he'd do without hesitation if the outcome was that a monster as terrible as Black Sperm didn't escape.

To sacrifice a few to save many more would seem moral (chapter 150)

So what changed the calculus? Tatsumaki. By working so closely with her, she ceased to be a hero in the abstract, or even just a person. She was the person he’s flown in the teeth of one of the most terrifying monsters ever to give her space to work. She’s the person he’s plunged down a mile to summon help for, then clambered back up to guard her when she could no longer protect herself. She’s the person he’s carried in his arms, giving his back to every obstacle and blow so as to keep safe. Furthermore, he’s seen and empathises with Fubuki’s fear for her sister’s well-being and that impels him to try that much harder for Tatsumaki. And Tatsumaki is a person who really, really doesn't want to die.

But when 'heroes' ceases to be an abstract concept and becomes a small, scared woman who trusts you... (chapter 145)

Therefore, when push came to shove, the question wasn't 'are you going to kill a dozen heroes to save millions of lives?' It was: 'are you going to kill Tatsumaki? Is that your idea of justice? REALLY?' It's at that point that he gets on top of her to shield her from being stamped to death, to protect her come what may. It might not have worked out as well as it did in the end, but no matter: Genos has decided that his path to justice and strength does not lie in strategically sacrificing others.

...somehow, the 'moral' sacrifice cannot be countenanced (chapter 150)

Tatsumaki

Tatsumaki might have surprised some for not appearing to change when Genos had quite graphically showed her that others could indeed help her. Quite simply, she wasn't yet in the right place. It's worth noting that she had reached out to Fubuki to help her extract Psykos and it couldn't have gone any worse: all her worst fears appeared to be validated. The enemy was all too real, Fubuki's hangers-on had a traitor in their midst, and the ones who weren't traitorous were too weak to be of any help. And yet, when she looks around the room, is it with a sense of vindication at having all her warnings come to pass? No, it's with sadness: she's sad that it's come to this yet again.

Rarely has a person been sadder to be able to say 'I told you so' (chapter 177)

She really wants things to go differently but she can't see how. And that's how it comes to be that she's prepared to change what she does to not end up all alone again.

Surely there has to be another way (chapter 182)

C: Afterlife of The Moment

“A farmer went out to sow his seed... Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root..." Matthew 13:3-6 (NIV)

No epiphany, no matter how strong, will last unless there's a way to support it. ONE has been no slouch in exploring the way in which epiphanies turn into lasting change.

Saitama

Back when Saitama was still new in his hero journey, his neighbourhood was still populated, and being thanked by people he helped was the thing that gave him the strength to persist through his travails.

What gave his struggles meaning (extra chapter 'Brushing up')

Indeed, when we first get to hear Saitama's thoughts, we find that what's getting him down (other than fights being boring) is that he can no longer see that his actions have any positive effect on the world. His neighborhood was empty -- everyone having fled for their lives -- and monsters kept coming day after day.

Once he lost people around him, he started to lose himself (chapter 5)

The reason that saving the ugly child had been so important to him comes back to him when he's looking at the bodies of the fallen heroes, slain by Cosmic Garou. He'd been so lost in the sauce of seeking personal gratification that he'd forgotten that he'd become a hero to help others. It might involve great fights, but that had never been the point. Tragically, he realised it too late. Luckily for him (and to stop the story from ending too soon), Saitama's gotten a do-over. Only he's forgotten. Oh dear.

Remembering what mattered too late (chapter 166)

Genos

In the aftermath of King (really Garou) appearing to scatter the cadres and Saitama arrive to check on him, we see Genos doubting himself. He'd already been unsure if he'd done the right thing. Maybe what he'd really done was to chicken out because he wasn't prepared to die. So he asks Saitama. Getting the answer that not throwing his life away was indeed a sign of strength, it was the validation he needed to commit to a new path. What that path will look like, ah, we just have to wait and see.

Most necessary validation. Also, geeze Genos, learn to take a compliment, will ya? (chapter 155)

Tatsumaki

While it's too early to know what will happen, the fact that Tatsumaki has a sister who loves and trusts her enough to already have a relationship with her, and who is interested in having a better realtionship with her is a good start.

It helps a lot that those two actually like each other (chapter 176)

The way we see her at the end of chapter 182, standing with the Blizzard Group, is grounds for cautious optimism that she will be able to learn a new way of relating to others. It won't be perfect or perfectly smooth sailing, but what in this story is?

This is better than sitting miserable and alone again -- let's hope it sticks! (chapter 182)

D: No Freebies

Right, let's sum up. There's a reason insurance companies jack up premiums for drivers who have been in accidents: people really suck at learning from experience. Until we decide that we are ready to learn, things that happen to us are just things that happen. Even if it's our fault. This has no relationship to IQ, unfortunately.

Many stories are fond of the life-changing moment, and in particular, the life-changing interaction with another person. What ONE has been doing is to dig into this idea a bit more (each statement is <20 words).

The life-changing interaction is something seen as important by the actor.

They find this important because something within them has them open to change and the interaction addresses it.

Life-changing moments only become life-changing with ongoing reinforcement.

I think overall that it's a more realistic way of approaching personal change than many stories do it.

And that's me. What do you think?

[sailor-cerise]

Since I don't see exhaustive examples of what types of support low support needs might entail, I've put mine below. The vast majority of my struggles are from my autism, but my physical disabilities and ADHD also contribute.

The reason I share this is to help people think more deeply about what "supports" means, and understand the different support levels.

Examples of tasks I need significant help with:

Handling any maintenance or repair tasks. I can and have done things like called a plumber, but I cry afterwards and am shaky and on edge the entire time they are on the phone or in my room/house. I have the capacity to do this a few times a year, spread far apart, which is typically much lower than the number of times I need this done. This includes car maintenance, which my partner helps me with.

Doing my taxes. I literally cry while downloading my W2 for my partner to do our taxes, and have had a panic attack because I needed to find an email receipt for tax purposes.

Paying a bill. Best case scenario it's something I can pay online, but I still cannot do more than one at a time and greatly benefit from emotional and logistical support.

Any other financial stuff: transferring money between accounts, managing investments, etc. I log into my accounts and my partner does things for me. I recently gave them access to most accounts now so they can do this without the first step and this one is scary to me but has been so so beneficial. We've been together about 15 years and they always ask permission and tell me specifics. Be careful who you trust with this if you have any choice.

House cleaning. I can do more than my severely physically disabled mother could when I was growing up, but not much. My partner also struggles here but we help each other.

Making decisions. I can decide what to eat and things related to my special interests (e.g. what book to read) for myself, but I really struggle deciding what color of sheets to get, alternatives to grocery brands when one is out of stock, how to cut my hair, which route to take while driving, which parking space to use, etc. and truly cannot do anything bigger (color to paint the kitchen, replacement water heater brand). I will completely shut down.

Examples of things I can do mostly independently (after having put in lasting supports with help from my partner and/or with significant effort). This is what makes me low support needs rather than medium: I can do these things.

Buy groceries (I order online and pickup curbside)

Make food for myself (I cannot reliably prepare food for anyone else)

Shower (I have a blue tooth speaker that I have a hard time showering without, and am able to shower 1-3 times a week)

Driving (sometimes I cannot drive due to physical issues)

Make and attend doctor's appointments (this one is mostly practice and saving up energy for it. I haven't been able to get support for this)

Take my medications (I have set up various systems that work well for me)

Renewing my prescriptions and picking them up (this is super hard and draining and I wish I had more supports for it, but it's something my partner struggles with too)

Working. I have so many accomodations here it's a separate long post. This includes work-related communication (often quite complex)

Ambulating. Sometimes I cannot walk more than a few steps. This is not from my autism.

Changing clothes. I hate doing this and would do it way less often than is appropriate if I did not have a partner that would be bothered by that

Brush my teeth. Oohhh boy this one took me most of my 33 years to sort out, and needed help from one of my best friends. Children's unsweetened toothpaste and ultra soft brushes are essential.

Flossing my teeth. Specific brand and type of floss, one in every room, and I'm actually good at it then. Really really proud of this one.

Brushing my hair. It's a whole Thing for me and I don't do it as often as I should but I can do it.

Making plans with friends or family. This is really hard and my mother helped me with it until she died and now I have some friends who are able to support me in this and I so appreciate them. My partner handles family plans mostly because most of my family is dead or lives very far away.

Speaking on the phone or in writing outside of work contexts. This is very very hard for me. I can do in person okay.

Socializing. This is very very hard for me but I do like it sometimes and have worked hard my whole life to be good at it. I tend to get along with people in a shallow manner.

Going into a crowded space. I need hearing protection (earplugs or headphones), and cannot do it for long periods. I handle it much better when I have a person with me, but hit my limit quickly.

Things I can do most days with no supports (most bADLs):

Basic in-person verbal communication, including limited quantities of small talk

Small purchases (cup of coffee, new book, etc.)

Toileting and continence

Going to bed and waking up

Remembering to eat and the act of eating

Drinking water

Get some gentle exercise of some sort, even just stretching in bed

Participate in one of my special interests. Any limitations here are usually from my physical disabilities, though I've lost this ability during autistic burnout before.

I am also fortunate to be capable of dealing well with emergencies (car accidents, injuries, de-escalation of a dangerous situation, pet emergencies, flooding), though like most people I break down if there are too many in a row. This isn't on any of the IADL lists I've seen, but I personally think it should be.

Reference:

[nei-ning]

I visited father and his spouce fast this evening. I was going to walk in but the front door walk locked, which is weird since it's never locked, so I started to knock on the little window. No response. I knocked 3 times before their dog, soon 12yo male German Shepherd (huge in size but is a true sweetheart!) heard me and he was RIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR! He then started to bark (he never barks at anyone and this was first time he barked at me) and it did the trick. Thanks to him, dad came to open the door, haha!

I had long and wonderful time visiting them, as always, while also petting Moksu a lot. Tho, it shows he's old. In many ways. Plus he has a lump on his neck and apparently it's sore. It very well could be cancer etc. not to mention he's mostly deaf and apparently going blind too. I told them to prepare themselves on letting him go. Propably soon too since there's no reason to make that sweetheart suffer.

I ended up telling them about my year after Verti's death, depression, anxiety, eating meds, autism etc. Dad's spouce was so wonderful and kind, has always been to me! Very supportive too. Not that dad wouldn't be either but he let us handle the talking.

She also saw my rash on my neck recommending sinc(?) lotion. Doctor had recommended it for her on her itchy skin disease. I could get the said lotion from local store.

Then we started to talk about hot waves, periods and hormonal issues and she has gone through the same as me! She, too, had suffered from early menopause, sweating so much she had to shower 2 times a day and change clothes often since they all had been soaked (in Finland you DON'T wash yourself twice a day. It's either only once a day or 2 times a week in sauna, usually Wednesday and Saturday evenings).

I told her I sweat like hell too and then I smell heck bad, needing to spray deodorant even between and under my breasts. She then looked at me and said: "You do have big breasts." Yes, yes I have, and I freaking love my girls :D I just don't like them getting sweaty since the smell is horrible, haha!

We spoke some more about my autism because she asked about it and I said something like: "I really need to kick my ass to get things done. Otherwise I just simply can't get anything done."

She said: "You need to be gentle with yourself. Don't force things. Let them come out naturally. Forcing only damages you more. Instead of aiming to do all tasks at once, do one little by little." She's right but at the same time I know I need to kick my ass a little bit, tho. She also encouraged me to keep crying whenever I start to miss Verti instead of bottling the grief in.

We spoke so more and I ended up saying: "I have never fit in society's mold anyway - and I don't even want to. I'll be my crazy self without giving a fuck what others think of me."

She smiled at me so kindly and said: "I really do like you as the way how you are. Always have. I've said this to you before. You always have felt like a daughter to me."

Just awwh! :D How much such words can lighten your heart! Someone in the past, probably my mother back in the days, told me what kind of whore this woman is since she was often with different men. Well, it's her past and she didn't know any other way of life back then. Who I am to judge her and hate her based on her youth years? We all have been young, some more "wild" than others, making mistakes too but it's not a reason to label someone for the rest of their life. I think this woman is actually nice and kind. I've never felt uneasy or uncomfortable around her. In fact, I get along with her better than with my aunts :'D talking with her is... Easy. Simple. Comfortable. I can honestly and openly tell her everything and speak with words I probably wouldn't use around others. I do like her.

Before I left, she and dad said to me: "Come visit us more often. You are always welcome here. This is like your second home. Take care of yourself."

Now, I know they like to be alone and in peace so that's why I haven't go there often. Maybe once or twice a year at max. Of course if I would have my own car abd license, I could visit them once a month.

[gyokujyn]

How much do you think you've changed as a person in the past year?

This was a good year to ask this because I finally started therapy this year.

When I was a teenager, my mom took me to a therapist who she was friends with who basically told my mom everything I told her, in flagrant violation of doctor patient privilege. I've been too angry and afraid to do therapy since then, but I know I really need it. Despite being weirdly self aware and pretty good at advising others, I am not in a position to help myself unaided through the things I need to work on to be a better person and, most importantly to me, to be a better parent.

So, I'm happy to report that I've been putting in a lot of work in the past year to change with the help of my therapist. And it has sucked, but it's getting better. I'm working on my anger. I'm working on my rsd. I'm working on my abandonment and attachment issues. I'm working on my self image. I'm working on safely feeling things. I'm working on coming to terms with so many things in my life that I've never dealt with and just compartmentalized instead. I'm working on being a whole person and not just the parts I need to get through each situation I'm in.

And, the more I do, the more I realize that this isn't something I'll ever be done with. If I had a thousand years, I would never finish this work. But, that's okay. I started it because I wanted to be a better parent to my kids, but I'm starting to get to a point where even though it's hard work, I want to do it for me. And (Jesus Christ, I'm crying), I really never thought I'd feel that way about it. I'm so grateful.

[jedi-bird]

Medical issue story time

So yesterday I had to go to urgent care at the end of the day. Partner got freaked out enough about my arm that they were like we're not waiting. And I was on the fence enough about to agree outright.

Last week, I got stabbed in the arm by a very large rose thorn. It didn't break off in it and it's not the first time I've been hurt by them, so I cleaned it thoroughly and used an otc antibiotic ointment and covered it with a bandage. I have an allergy to adhesives but all that does is leave a rash and minor scar for a while, so it's usually fine. Well, four days of wearing bandages (changing them every few hours), took off a chunk of skin and left a very large rash. More concerning though was the initial spot being three times larger, having a red two inch field below it, and being quite hot to the touch.

So. Off to urgent care late in the day.

I have never been seen so quickly at any urgent care location as I was last night, which is honestly a bit funny. Five minutes in the waiting room after checking in they were taking my vitals (both the nurse and the guy at check-in freaked out once they saw the marks on my arm). No fever, mild pain unless it was touched; mostly I just didn't want it to get worse since I'm very prone to staph infections. Put in a room and less than ten minutes later a doctor way in apologizing for the delay.

Now, I have to say, I really liked this doctor. As soon as he looked at my arm, he recognized that I'm allergic to the adhesive. We talked about. No, it's the not the latex because I've tested that many times. It's definitely the glue and no brand of adhesive bandage is less likely to cause a reaction. It's usually fine and doesn't bother me too much. The rose throne spot though...

Apparently there is a fungal infection called Sporotrichosis, also known as the rose handler's disease. It's... nasty. It's rare, but it can happen and if it does it needs to be formally diagnosed through a biopsy and treatment for the skin type can last months. It can also spread to joints, lungs, and very rarely the brain. Again, it is months to years of treatments. Now, it's very unlikely that I have that, but the fact that it's hot, red, and solid under the initial puncture means I need to monitor my health very very carefully for a while.

I got some antibiotics to take because it's much more likely to be a bacterial infection. I have to watch it very closely for the next two days and if it's not improving by Monday I need to go to the hospital for a much more intensive diagnosis. Today it's very itchy and a bit achy, but the area did get repeatedly pushed on by multiple people yesterday so I'm hoping it's just that. I've taken two of the antibiotic pills and have several more days to go. I'm supposed to avoid direct sunlight and if I do need to go out I need to cover up. So fingers crossed the antibiotic works and this passes quickly.

Moral of the story, don't wait if you think something is wrong. Yes, as an American our healthcare and insurance situations suck (let's not even get into the fact that my insurance still isn't fixed despite the company claiming that it is and I might be getting a very big bill for this). But if you can catch something early it's much cheaper and easier to fix. I should have gone to urgent care yesterday morning when the redness first appeared but that's in the past and a few hours likely didn't make a difference since it wasn't any worse than yesterday morning. But yeah. Get checked, keep wounds clean and covered, and don't wait if symptoms start.

And as soon as I'm allowed back in the sun, that rose bush is getting very heavily pruned.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi. So I am not sure it is right that I am writing here but I honestly don't have anyone else to ask about this. I am following your blog for a long time and I have had many asks before from you so I feel like weirdly you are someone I can trust and ask things from. You were talking about being ace before and I am just started to question myself in my late twenties. Just to sum it up, I have never been in a relationship and I started to question myself whether it can be because I am under the ace umbrella or I just simply haven't found anyone I could click with. When I was reading about all the different asexuality types I felt like some of them are like really close but I am still not sure. What if I only feel like this because I haven't had anyone? Maybe I was just unlucky so far and once I will have someone it will be different....but what if it is connected? These are the things are in my head and I am honestly just wondering maybe coming from personal experience or your opinion as someone who I presume is longer in the ace community that what do you think? Or what can you recommend for me to have a look at or someone who is in a similar shoe? I couldn't find anyone or anything about never being a relationship is connected to being ace or it's just not that..? Hope it's okay I have asked this here. Thank you <3

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

OOOF I can relate to finding out you're ace a bit later – mine was when I was 32/33 – and let me tell ya, I initially also thought it was because I wasn't in a serious relationship ever.

Now this is just me speaking from personal experience, but I hope it will help you too.

My journey of questioning lasted four years, and it was a LONG four years of reading, testing labels, seeing what fit, etc. And it could be you're also going through the same thing I did, and THAT'S OKAY. And my journey ALSO looked into my romantic attractions as well. You might be confused and unsure because you may be aromantic; it's TOUGH to figure that kind of thing out, especially if you've never had sex, never WANTED to have sex, and never had any sort of serious relationship. And because I don't want to rule it out, it could also be a chemical imbalance within you, or your medications, if you have any, could be affecting your biology as well. Just something to consider, but PLEASE think of it as a last resort, because a lot of doctors don't think asexuality is "a thing" (a doctor I saw recently had no idea what it was, and thought my lack of interest in sex is because of my OCPD... while it could be a contributing FACTOR, it's not the reason, because I KNOW I've been this way all my life). So it's worth exploring as a secondary issue, BUT you seem certain you're ace, so I will continue this reply on that assumption.

Early in my journey, it's SO confusing and overwhelming. For me it was "I WANT to be with someone, but... I don't want to really fuck them?? Like, that person is aesthetically pleasing to me, but I don't think anything beyond that? It's tough being ace and trying to navigate a hypersexualized world.

I'm gonna cut to the chase and give you this term to look into: "split attraction model". This changed EVERYTHING for me, and what started to help me understand myself better. Essentially, it is the principle that mainly-aspec people use to help define their sexual vs romantic attraction. It opened a lot of avenues of discovery for me, and I think it will help you too, especially as a fellow "never been in a relationship" ace.

THAT SAID, you are not any less ace BECAUSE you haven't had a relationship. It took me a long time to come to terms with that concept, since the fact that I was never in a relationship was used against me (and many aces), that I just hadn't met the right person yet.

FUCK THAT. No one knows YOU better than YOU. And if you currently are trying on the ace label and it feels right at the moment, then you are asexual, no microlabels needed. And it's no one else's business other than yours and a potential partner's. That's it.

So yes, it MIGHT be connected, and you might find out, when you're with someone, that HEY you might actually be gray asexual, or demi sexual, and THAT'S OKAY. Your labels can change over time as you figure yourself out.

And if you never settle? That's okay too. Don't beat yourself up, Lovely. You're YOU, not the label society wants you to have.

Some websites you can check out for more starting point research:

Understanding Asexuality (Trevor Project)

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)

The A-Spec Category (LGBTQIA+ Wiki)

I hope you find a bit of comfort in my words, and never hesitate to ask me anything. I enjoy helping other aces figure themselves out <3