#I've had too many issues with doctors but i NEED SOMETHING CHANGED

[frownyalfred]

Arkham Prince - Masterlist of Posts

I've linked the major asks below with a preview (edited for length) below, grouped by subject/theme and rough chronological order of how I received them. Additional shorter asks/clarifying questions, as well as shorter bits of commentary are at the very bottom.

The very first post:

I have been thinking about the idea of Bruce going insane without being Batman, about Batman being his coping mechanism, and that reblog that was like "he would definitely have ended up in Arkham if he didnt make Batman." Now I'm thinking of an AU where that is exactly the case, and maybe Clark expands his interest towards Gotham a bit, as much as he doesnt like heroing there, because it is the neighbor city of Metropolis. It's like his backyard. And maybe he wants to understand the problem of Gotham at the root, so he goes as Clark Kent, reporter, to interview the patients at Arkham, and there meets Bruce Wayne. Maybe falls in love. Maybe its angsty as fuck because this Bruce is 10 times less adjusted than the Bruce we're used to, but of course, equally as brilliant. (Maybe he could escape any time he wanted but thinks he would murder people if so. Maybe he doesnt trust his anger.)

Expanding Asks:

the idea of arkham patient bruce wayne has burrowed into the depths of my mind. this is SUCH a fascinating thought and changes so many things…how does the justice league fare without batman? how does alfred? i’d assume alfred is given bruce’s guardianship when he’s institutionalized, and i could even see him taking in the robins – finding and helping these children who remind him so much of his own boy, trying not to fail them as he failed bruce. how bruce himself does in arkham is so interesting to consider…is he kept on the same level of security as the real supervillains? is he moved there after Events?

Clark, realizing the League has a problem, a trap from someone like Lex they don't know how to unknot, something which requires finesse and strategy which is a little beyond them... taking that stroll (flight) down to Gotham, feeling insane himself for seeking advise here of all places... but the Arkham Prince delivers. Clark explains the situation, answers questions that he had no idea related to the issue, and Bruce hands him the solution in the span of 10 minutes, while the League had been brainstorming and going in circles over this for days...

Clark Kent and the Arkham Prince Finding Common Ground:

clark’s first attempt to interview the prince of arkham go about as well as you might expect, given that he’s a reporter with sunshine all but seeping out of his pores. the first time bruce doesn’t even talk to him, too furious at the gall of this metropolitan newshound to interrogate him for the sake of some gruesome, sensationalist op-ed obviously about the tragedy of the family wayne and the irredeemable mire of gotham to do anything more than death-glare at him for the entire length of the meeting. but clark, unsatisfyingly, doesn’t give up after that. if bruce doesn’t talk to him, he sure talks to bruce, and with each subsequent interview the questions…change. no longer trying to establish facts about bruce’s life or his crimes, not asking about his experience in arkham, not even going for the low-hanging fruit of why’d you train for years to kill those people, but seemingly random and unrelated things. he wants bruce’s opinions on emissions policies (need to be stricter and more tightly enforced, especially in gotham, jesus, there’s a reason lung cancer and asthma rates are through the roof) and lex luthor’s keynote speeches (unprintable, wiped from clark’s tape recorder in case luthor somehow finds out) and whether or not clark should buy a new suit (why bother, it won’t be any less tragic than every other polyester abomination he cruelly forces bruce to look at every time he stops by). clark slowly and stubbornly makes himself as much a part of bruce’s routine as visits with alfred and lucius and the doctors, and all the while superman is playing a high-stakes game of mental chess with the sinking suspicion that bruce wayne has already won in more ways than one bruce figures out kent is superman about three hours after the first time big blue gets namedropped during an interview. he commences with a plan that is part honeypot, part campaign of psychological warfare, and part genuine bid to get this midwestern alien who holds the safety of his city in his hands to try and give a damn like a proper gothamite would, like no one but bruce ever seems to.

Clark, whose one of his grestest fears is being constrained, treated as a threat, dissected, studied, as the alien specimen he is. He has to pretend. He had to be so careful. Every day or he won't have a life to live.

Clark asking the Arkham Prince to Consult for the JL:

i would kill to have clark-as-supes get some kind of special dispensation to bring arkham prince bruce to the jl hideout (the watchtower doesn’t to be without batman’s engineering/logistics knowhow and WE funding, at least not until bruce is more formally considered a consultant) for help on one of lex’s more convoluted and immediate threats. it’s just not possible for bruce to solve the problem in isolation without the league’s resources, so instead of bringing league missions to bruce superman has to bring bruce to the league mission. i started imagining the team’s reaction to their unwitting reliance on criminally insane mass murderer bruce wayne and then i remembered oliver exists and now i feel only sadness thinking about that particular reunion

Just wondering how regular JL universe would react to meeting this au, meeting Batman and seeing Bruce Wayne's potential Would they realize that their Bruce is limited by what he can do inside Arkham, but that this Batman is also limited by his own rules and codes. Would Ollie be crushed at what his former friend could have been, thinking maybe if he had stepped up and been a "better friend" Bruce wouldn't be in Arkham, he could of been working beside him instead. Can imagine Batman saying "I don't kill" and Bruce just smiling in what should have been the brucie smile and replying "but I do"

The crossover is so funny in regards to Supes. Like here's Arkham Prince AU Clark, terribly in love with a version of Bruce who is so unavailable to him on so many levels, aching with it every time he dares think about it, staring at Regular Universe Clark in complete and utter disbelief. (expansion of "regular JL universe" ask above)

Your take on Prince of Arkham's level of influence on JL members, at the top being of course Clark. And also: first time he is taken into the JL base, does he hack into their systems?

OMG arkham bruce and clark have gotten closer and maybe clark makes bruce promise not to kill again after bruce gets out of arkham so he can join the jl but then someone is killed and theres evidence it was bruce but bruce swears it wasnt him ( bc it wasn’t him ) but theres so much evidence that even clark is starting to doubt bruces innocence and the jl has to kick him out and hes taken back to Arkham or for interrogation and then ANGST BRUCE BEING TORTURED FOR CONFESSION BUT HE STILL SWEARS HE DIDNT DO IT until its proven that he didnt do it

@bat-chik's Harvey Dent Visits Bruce in Arkham

"We can't even claim self defense," Harvey continued. "You-" "He has cancer." Harvey blinked at the non-sequitur, "What?" Finally, the orphaned Wayne turned and faced him, face blank, unconcerned about how much more this action would add to his sentencing. Unconcerned except for the steel eyes seething yet holding back so much hurt. Harvey remembered once again, with a small pang, why he had gotten a crush on Bruce in their college days. "Nygma. He has cancer. The only way to get medical care in Arkham is by ending up in the hospital wing." Bruce moved with all the weight of the world on his shoulders and sat in the bolted chair across from his lawyer, and life long friend.

Where are the Batkids in This?

pls consider. a dick greyson who gets tossed in arkham after tracking down and torturing then killing killing his parent's murderer. tiny and lost now that what was driving him is done. a bruce wayne who hasnt been in That long yet, not long enough for people to see him as a threat rather than just an oddity, who takes one look at that angry little kid and says "oh. oh that ones mine" and spends as much time with the kid as he can. and bruce Loves gotham, thats his whole drive. but to dick, gotham is nothing but the place his world crumbled. and i think this bruce never sat with his feelings of grief either. i think he always needed a cause. and i think he saw dick having lost his cause and tries to help him find another (id like to put forth escaping as a hobby, managing to get into Any part of arkham that he pleases especially with his athleticism and small size)

It would be funny if in the Arkham Prince AU, since all the kids are in there for being um - gremlins and down with murder - that Jason in this was the pacifist?

Re: Jason being the pacifist: "I will follow you forever because you killed him." Endlessly devoted Jason my beloved. If you give him one (1) positive attention he will light himself on fire to keep you warm. I love him so much. Self destructive king.

Tim committing a crime just to end up in Arkham and study the famed insane Bruce Wayne is actually startlingly in character for him...

Clarifying Asks:

when do you see him as getting committed? was he already batman? did he already have any of his kids? if not, what *happened* to those kids who never had bruce to fight for them?

Okay, but since Bruce is the Prince of Arkham, whats stopping his kids from being in there with him?

Oh I am sooooooooo curious about what Clark thinks about Arkham Bruce having a gaggle of prison murder children.…you ever think he’s asked Dick to give Clark flowers during one of his escapes????? Or is that too corny for them.

I've seen some Arkham Prince asks and responses referring to Bruce still being rich, but would he still be?

Additional Thoughts:

i am torn between the other Inmates Hating bruce (hes the picture of those who hurt them. a rich man who is just like them but gets Way less pain for it) and adoring him

Picture this, Alfred goes to see Haly's, sees another black haired blue eyed child losing his parents at just about the same age. Another feral child with murder in his eyes.

it’s extremely important to me to consider arkham prince bruce with longer, shaggy hair and a perpetual three-day beard

The smut in the Arkham Prince AU would be INSANE.

This Arkham Prince AU has folks in a choke hold but ya'll forget one thing. The Joker and Harley Quinn.

god i am just exploding thinking about bruce and sex in the arkham prince au. there is absolutely no way he’s not accustomed to exchanging sex for favors, information, anything he wants or needs. (additional thoughts on how Clark fits into this/Superbat)

Okay hi so my main source of Arkham knowledge is the Penguin show so I’m gonna ramble a bit about factions and divides and stuff. (Sofia Falcone expansion)

continuing my thoughts on Sofia Falcone coming off your great opinions to my last ask.

There is a parallel thread between Bruce and Sofia

[22ayla21]

I've read your ifa post (seriously how handsome he is) x reader, and I have to say that I loved it. What's more, I would very much like to see more scenes with this couple. When you can, there's no rush. My proposal for the future is related to the fact that the girl has that gift with both children and saurians/animals and that ifa dropped the issue of starting making a family... (I need to see this man as a dad so bad)

It is related to this last issue, that is to say that for example the girl is pregnant but does not yet have symptoms of it (the only thing is that the period does not come like every month), and both have noticed that the saurians and animals are more fond of the young woman (so by their heightened senses)

Whisper of Hearts and Paws

When the saurians start to stick to his beloved more than usual, Ifa notices something in their behavior that can change his life forever.

A few days passed. The tent was again filled with soft light, the smells of herbs and medicines, but something in the atmosphere had changed. Ifa noticed it in the morning.

The saurians began to behave strangely. More precisely, not aggressively or excitedly - on the contrary. They began to literally stick to his girl. Before, they were drawn to her - this was understandable: she was warm, affectionate, did not scare them. But now they followed her everywhere, lay down at her feet, purred, rubbed their cheeks against her palms, even argued among themselves about who would lie closer. One particularly persistent baby saurian hid in the folds of her clothes and did not want to come out.

At first, Ifa was amused. Then - it alarmed her. She laughed herself:

"What's wrong with them today? Am I covered in honey?"

He grinned, but inside he felt a memory from the past surface. His friend once told him about his saurians - a faithful female named Lely. She suddenly began to behave strangely - she did not leave her mistress, circled around, meowed (?) anxiously and tried to drag her mistress into the nest. It turned out later that the woman was in the early stages of pregnancy. Lely sensed this long before her mistress realized it.

Ifa straightened up abruptly. His gaze slid to the girl, who was just treating one of the little ones to cookies and laughing. Her face was shining, her movements were light. At first glance, everything was as usual.

But... she had complained of fatigue a couple of times recently. She also said that her period was a little "late", although she attributed it to stress and the change in climate. He did not attach any importance to it then.

But the saurians... they feel. Their sense is sharper than that of many other animals. They sense life, new life. Quiet, barely breaking through, but already real.

Ifa caught her breath for a moment.

He leaned on the table, watching his girlfriend deftly hug the saurian and laugh when he licked her cheek. Her hands were so caring. Her voice was warm. Without knowing it, she was already weaving life into the world that no one else knew about.

He felt his heart beat faster. He would not tell her now – it was too early. He was not a doctor of people, but he was not a fool either. He would give her time, give himself time. Perhaps she would soon understand. Perhaps she should quietly prompt, ask, support.

But for now… he would be there.

He would come up to her, put his arm around her waist and, as always, in a slightly playful tone, whisper in her ear:

"The saurians know something that we don’t know yet…"

She would look at him questioningly, not immediately catching the hint, and he would simply grin and add:

"It seems that my prediction about you as an ideal mother may come true sooner than you think."

This time she would not pat him on the shoulder. She would freeze. Ifa would feel how she slowly turned her gaze to the saurians sleeping at her feet. Then – to her stomach. Her lips would slightly part in silent surprise.

And he'll be there to catch her if the excitement hits. To hold her and whisper:

"It's okay. We'll get through this. You're not alone."

[growth-opportunities]

"I'm a therapist, so I try my best to be impartial and non-judgemental. But, I mean, come on. Doesn't this all sound a little ridiculous? Women's breasts growing just from being around you? That's not something that happens."

Dr. Kurenka tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before pushing her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. Dainty fingers flipped the pages of her notebook, her eyes scanning the words. "I just... I don't even know what could cause such a delusion. Affection can change the way we view people, but you're saying it's more general than that. Your boss's secretary, the clerk at the dry cleaners, not anyone who you would have strong affection for." The buttons on the doctor's blouse strained as she sat up straight, pushing her chest forward. "I'd assume this is some sort of delusion brought about by watching too much porn, but your consumption doesn't seem abnormally high or niche."

The fabric of Natalia's shirt was thin enough to show the outline of her white bra and, as she set aside her notebook, you can see the way her breasts bulge out of the clearly inadequate cups. "The most damning evidence is that you've been seeing me for weeks now and, well, I haven't grown, have I?"

She had to be joking, right? The pert A cups she had been sporting when the two of you first met had ballooned over the last month into heavy, round, full tits. Getting her shirt buttons was a feat in itself! How did she not notice?

Her face betrayed no hint of irony, even as the first button blew, sending a wobble through her tits. Your eyes widened at the exposed cleavage, the diamond of soft flesh spilling out. A look of concern flashed across your face, glancing back up at the doctor. She smiled sweetly, making a decent attempt at not being condescending. "I know it's a bit unprofessional, but it's important for your healing. This whole growing thing? It's a delusion. It's not real. I don't know if it's mommy issues or simply a bizarre fixation, but I assure you, it's not real. Sure, I've always wanted to be larger myself. I've wanted that since everyone I knew outgrew me. I've imagined so many times what it'd be like to put them in their place. But I let those fantasies remain fantasies. I don't try to project them onto the real world."

The second button and third button popped together, all the way up to her collar. Her breasts swelled with each breath, more of her tits bursting out of her bra than contained by them. Dr. Kurenka didn't even flinch.

"If it were real, my boobs would be huge by now, wouldn't they? Just absolutely fucking huge. Gigantic wobbling milkers."

The doctor grabbed her notebook and leaned against it, pushing her tits forward, a subtle but sly smile on her lips.

"Yeah. I can see we're gonna need at least a few more sessions. Maybe up it to twice a week. Don't you agree?"

[breaking-binary-system]

So, especially with it being disability pride month, I've noticed something more and more: A lot of people, disabled and able-bodied, give a TON of hate to us ambulatory wheelchair users. So, I decided fuck it let me tell people a story about one.

There was this boy. He grew up with a disabled father and a mother who had a ton of chronic pain. He could see the effects. By the time this boy was 5, his father walked full time on a cane.

When he turned 11, he started suffering from severe debilitating leg pain. To the point he would miss school for days and would spend all day every day sobbing his eyes out from how severe it took, even after taking the max amount of ibuprofen and Tylenol he could. He eventually got into seeing a rheumatologist out of fear it was something rheumatology related.

For 6 years, the boy was constantly in pain and the most he would get told is "well your double jointed that's why you have this much pain, just go do physical therapy". That never helped him. When he turned 17, everything changed.

He went to go see a different doctor at this office, one he had to wait years for since she saw adults and, well, 17 was just close enough to be tolerated. She looked at his blood tests and did a physical and came to a realization.

"It's not that you're double jointed, you have rheumatoid arthritis. It's why your shoulders grind, they lack cartilage now from years of this disorder. Let's do our best to treat it"

That started a year's worth of trial and error before she finally decided to give the boy an immunosuppressant that had worked for his father who also had the disorder. He wasn't cured but, quickly, his symptoms started to go away more and more.

This boy, from the age of 15 on, had to use mobility aids frequently if not all the time. It started with a simple cane and while it helped, his hands couldn't take the pressure on his nerves. So, he tried a walker. And that helped too. Forearm crutches were best to get him still able to have some ability to walk. He found something that made his life a lot easier however.

His grandfather had a multitude of issues, many of which required him to have a wheelchair before he passed. So, his grandfather made it known that any mobility aids the boys father didn't use, the boy was more than welcome to have. So, he decided one day to try and use the wheelchair.

Suddenly things were so much easier. He couldn't walk all the time yes and he didn't need the chair 24/7 but it meant that when his POTS was acting up or he was in a arthritis flare up, he could use a wheelchair and still be mobile. It changed his life. However he wasn't free from shame and hate on how he shouldn't use one.

He was told repeatedly it wasn't that bad and he was being dramatic and was taking away from people who actually needed them. This boy was 18. He had a disorder that was seen as an "old person" disorder. His body was literally attacking itself. And here was a ton of people attacking him for needing a wheelchair or, if he was in a store with them, a mobility scooter.

This boy took months of steady therapy to be willing to even go in public with the wheelchair again. A lot of it took support from his boyfriend and his father who encouraged him and reminded him that it was OKAY to use a mobility aid, even if he didn't need it 24/7.

If you haven't caught on now don't worry, I'll just say it. I am that boy. I still need reminders from my boyfriend or my father that it's okay to need my wheelchair and I'm not stealing anything, my body has day's of different intensities. Take today.

I thought all I would need is forearm crutches and I'm typing this in my wheelchair and I feel a lot better now that I've used it since, due to the fact this chair is meant to be sat in for someone with a disability not just a regular every day chair, my legs are feeling a shit ton better.

My left knee has been in an awful flare up for about a month and a half at this point. Today it got unbearable so I just sat in the wheelchair my dad keeps at his job for me. I can move now without wanting to cry.

This is a really long post and I'm not entirely sure why i started it to be honest, blame the whole "oh yeah I have a CDD" and the fact that, well, I've been diagnosed with ADHD, specifically attention deficit part.

Something I wanna end this long post on. Don't think just because you saw someone walking yesterday or even 10 minutes ago and now they're in a wheelchair that they're faking or something. Shit can change in a matter of MINUTES.

[goldeneyedgirl]

Ficmas Day 11: Feral Jasper/Mary-Alice

Good evening ducklings! I've come down with a spectacular flu, so more notes tomorrow. I got a bunch of different requests for today, so I picked one at random and it was Feral Jasper/Mary-Alice.

But all the suggestions were fun and excellent, so I will be doing a few more snippet posts in January to get them all in <3

Anyway, it's time I got some sleep so I hope you enjoy this part!

As with most things, the time comes for the Cullens to move on. It’s been five years since they arrived in Pennsylvania, and anything longer will invite gossip about the young doctor and his family living in that big old house outside town. They already draw enough attention as it is.

So it’s time to go. Carlisle and Esme decide that privately, out of earshot of the others, before they make the announcement. It’s going to be more difficult this time, because it’s Jasper’s first move. This is the only home that he’s known since they found him, and leaving it will be a strain. They’ve watched him since he arrived here become stronger and more certain in his place amongst them. And this place, this house and the looming forest, played an important role in that. They only have so many properties with grounds this size, that are appropriate for a vampire to roam privately and safely.

But vampires are traditionally nomadic, and just because the scenery and set changes, doesn’t mean anything else will. Esme is convinced she can make Jasper understand that this is necessary and a good thing. Montana will be wonderful; the hunting there is good, and even though they don’t technically own a large parcel of land there, they have a great deal of privacy.

Jasper’s so reasonable, there’s no reason he wouldn’t understand.

None at all.

//

Mary-Alice is perched in the crook of a branch when Jasper shows up. She’s exactly where he left her, except for the fact that she ran into the second-closest town to hunt (Jasper had been unhappy when she admitted to hunting in the nearest town; the Cullens needed complete secrecy and Mary-Alice’s first few hunts made the Cullens worried and suspicious about nomads. She flat-out refused to give up human blood entirely, not when it made her stronger and sharper than animal blood, but she had quickly agreed that running a few more miles to the next appropriate town was not an issue.)

“Jasper.” She immediately abandons her task - weaving together stems and leaves into some kind of coronet. It’s a good task, one that keeps her mind still.

If she didn’t have something to occupy her in the hours Jasper was back with the Cullens, she’d go completely mad worrying that harm had fallen to him, even if she knows with conviction that Emmett would protect Jasper if anything happened. That’s reassuring in a foreign way - she’s never really had anyone to entrust with anything. She’s never really had anything valuable enough to need to protect it, aside from her own life.

(Maria would be laughing at her now. She spent decades trying to crush any sort of emotion or ambition from her people, to know that Mary-Alice spends most of her day on tenterhooks over the safety of her dearest… friend, that would make Maria howl with laughter. She always said that Mary-Alice was too sour and unpleasant to have a mate or a coven or even a friend. No one likes a girl who calculates the force, weight, and trajectory of their decapitation the first time they meet.)

He looks drawn and almost worried when he looks at her, but there’s a softening around his eyes when he spots her - he has to remind himself to relax so often, that she can almost spot the moments he tells himself to calm down.

But Jasper still looking solemn the she lands on the boulder next to him, to do her usual check of his state - he’s washed, his clothing is neat and clean, and his eyes are bright. No changes in the last few hours, which is good. That’s what she wants.

“Mary-Alice.” He reaches out and takes her hand, squeezing it.

They haven’t really talked about the kiss on the cheek. He had caught her by surprise, do that, and she didn’t entirely understand what he meant by that. He’d told her something about saving him, but he was running out of words when he explained, so she didn’t push. But since then, he touches her more often. And yes, she has some rather… feline tendencies as far as curling up against him when they’re alone. Emmett Cullen had laughed at her and asked if she was going to start purring the singular time he’d caught her curling up half on Jasper’s lap. But the touching that Jasper has started doing is something very, very different. He’s holding her hand a lot, touching her hair and her face which makes her edgy, and he’s holding her more, especially before he leaves.

“Something’s wrong,” she says in that same flat voice she greeted him with.

“The Cullens are leaving Pennsylvania.” The strain on his face is suddenly evident and that’s bad. That’s when he starts to struggle the most, with his weakness, his speech, his physical coordination. He’s made amazing strides over the last year, but there is always regression when he’s upset - like when Rosalie Cullen tried to teach him to drive.

“Where are they going?” This isn’t unexpected. It is obvious that they couldn’t maintain a permanent residence in a town this small, especially if Carlisle Cullen was posing as a human. She’s seen little flashes of things, but nothing concrete - mentioning it to Jasper would have been pointless and distressing.

“Montana. Friday. We leave for Montana on Friday.” He’s tugged free of her now, and is pacing. “We’ve driving to Montana, we have to pack the house.” Oh, very distressed - his speech is stilted and repetitive.

“Calm.” She tries to make her voice gentle but she doesn’t think it works very well because he doesn’t even look at her. “Everything will be fine, Jasper.”

“I won’t go without you.” He stops then and has the most stubborn look she’s ever seen on his face. It’s almost cute, the indignant expression and the way he looks directly at her. “I won’t leave you behind.”

She gives him a small smile. “Unless you tell me to go, I’ll follow you wherever you go,” she replies and his stance softens slightly. “Do they still think that I’m a delusion?”

Jasper scowls. A yes, then.

“I wouldn’t like travelling in a vehicle anyway.” She can’t imagine how many things this family has that driving is a necessity. So far, she’s calculated that Jasper has at least twelve sets of clothing, which would be difficult to carry long-term. And that doesn’t even consider any of the books that Jasper has mentioned are in the house. It’s only been two months since Jasper presented her with the little oilskin bag to carry her ‘things’ (a dried flower, a wooden comb, a spare dress) so that she didn’t have to discard anything that wasn’t safe in her pocket. “I’ll run.”

Jasper shakes his head, and there’s a puff of frustration and worry that brushes against her for a split second.

“I could beat the Cullens there,” Mary-Alice reminds him, trying to be reassuring. She’s not very good at it.

“What if you run into trouble?” Jasper is frowning.

“I am trouble.” She doesn’t think that he gets it, honestly. That anyone who runs into her won’t walk away if they decide to pick a fight.

Jasper closes his eyes. “Will you meet them?” He finally asks.

Silence.

She looks into the future, to see what would happen so close to the Cullens move. And the vision flows so easily, it’s practically set in stone.

Carlisle and Esme horrified. Rosalie angry. Edward stoic. Emmett trying desperately to mediate. Montana is cancelled. They’re going to Vermont before settling in somewhere with snow; there are five other vampires there, solemn when the Cullens arrive. They’re trying to lose her, trying to hide Jasper from her, and he’s not recovered enough to be able to stand his ground. Instead, she’s left weaving her way through the country to try and find him again.

“They will spook if I approach them now.”

He sighs and looks down. “I worry about you,” he says simply, and Mary-Alice doesn’t have any idea how to reply to that.

[zoroshark]

Hey! This is Zoro coming with an update about my health as quite a few things have happened the past couple of months. As some may know, I've been dealing with chronic pain and illness since February of last year as mentioned in this post here.

A quick summary of it was that I have been dealing with constant bladder and stomach problems suddenly that were disrupting day to day life as they were painful and constant. Despite the multiple hospital visits, nothing was really done and at the time I could only wait to see certain specialists (which required a lot of money to see). Recently however, I finally got an answer to what was causing me pain in one part of my stomach! The culprit was my gallbladder and it has been removed!

The rest of the post will be caught off so for those who want to read in more detail, but one issue has been solved (at least i hope so)!

I also want to note here and thank everyone who's been supportive of me during this rough patch in my life. I also want to thank those who sent money for the GoFundMe! However, due to a few circumstances which will also be explained in the read more section, I will be refunding it all to those who donated.

TLDR version of my reason is that I was advise to do so for the eligibility medical/financial benefits I've been looking into. The refunds should be sent in about a week, so keep and eye out!

TW for Medical related subjects such as surgery.

For what was causing me pain in my stomach, or at least one of the reasons:

Turns out I had gallstones that somehow CT scans and ultrasounds didn't pick up last year, despite the pain and discomfort I was in from them. It got to the point where the pain was so unbearable, I was crying for about 2-3 hours before going to the ER. They found one stone had thicken walls through the ultrasounds and my gallbladder was infected from these stones.

Because of the findings, I underwent surgery to completely remove it during my stay in the hospital. I am now close to two weeks post-op and so far it has relieved most, if not all, of the constant pain I've been in my upper right. While I still have issues elsewhere in my body, it feels nice to have one issue solved. I just hope I don't need another trip to the ER anytime soon.

As for the detailed explanation for refunding the GoFundMe donations:

A few months back I after the go found me, I was accepted in a financial assistance program that made doctor's visits way cheaper. From close to hundreds of dollars to 3 dollars, that was way more an affordable price range for me. Despite that, i kept the donations on hold just in cause anything changed or something wasn't covered by the program until now.

Along with that, I've been applying for disability as I am considered disabled by my psychiatrist due to my mental health. After talking to a few folks who knew about the system, they mentioned that the money from the fundraiser could harm the process in gaining these benefits. Their recommended course of action was to refund the money as a precaution, so I'm following their advice. After the refunds have gone through, I will be closing the fundraiser.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, I want to give a massive thank you everyone in general who have supported me through all this. Its been difficult, especially since I had to accommodate to the pain and changes in my body. There has been MANY ups and for sure downs, but I'm still holding on!

Thank you for reading on this update, and expect to see me slowly become active again on here! I'm still in my Zonai phase so expect more content revolving around that, along with possible Zora content. Original works not involving fandoms will also (hopefully) be posted too!

Im also thinking of opening commissions in the future! I'll need to ask about that first due to what I mentioned above, but as far as I'm aware, I should be okay to do so (but don't quote me on it). So keep an eye out!

[nelyawyn]

Get to know your mutuals!

thanks for the tag @orbitalmirror (this is @madam-whim, I'm just putting this on my personal blog)

What's the origin of your blog title?

For my personal blog, Nelyawyn's an old rp character of mine that I've had since I was 14. My TES blog name was shamelessly stolen from the ESO npc Madam Whim.

OTP(s) + Shipname: Oh god I have so many. But I'm just gonna say Martinhok because Martin gives me brainrot and so do my friends' Heroes of Kvatch.

Favorite color: royal blue as well as dark reds

Favorite game: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (though both Oblivion and ESO are very dear to me too)

Song stuck in your head: the one that definitely gets stuck there the most is "Red Eagle's Song" from ESO.

Weirdest habit/trait? I keep optimizing my bedtime routine like crazy so it'll take as little time as possible out of my free time.

Hobbies: drawing, writing, singing

If you work, what's your profession? I'm an editor, but I won't go into detail :)

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be? Definitely something with a variety of tasks since I tend to get bored and have focus issues once I've mastered a task.

Something you're good at: being patient with old men that don't know how to handle modern technology, apparently

Something you're bad at: handling doctors appointments

Something you love: chocolate

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: anglo-saxon history or maybe the Silmarillion. if you catch me on an especially weird day, it's gonna be both in combination.

Something you hate: people (and by that I mean the authors I work with) not understanding what dpi means and why it's important

Something you collect: I don't really collect anything irl but I'm an awful completionist in ESO. Achievements, collectibles, crafting recipes... you name it, I need it.

Something you forget: where I left my brain

What's your love language? I don't think I really apply that concept? But I'm making one up rn and it's asking my friends about their blorbos and then gushing about them.

Favorite movie/show? LotR... obviously

Favorite food: I have so many I'm not even gonna try picking one

Favorite animal: Barn owl, my beloved...

What were you like as a child? I was such an extrovert apparently... also very talkative, I talked very early too, and it seems I was also a very musical child

Favorite subject at school? History!

Least favorite subject: math

What's your best character trait? probably that I can be very patient with others

What's your worst character trait? I guess I could be manipulative if I wanted to be, which I rarely do, but the worry is there

If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be? move to literally anywhere that isn't right next to the financial heart of Europe, both because everything's so hectic here and because the cost of living is crazy and I definitely have the wrong kind of degree for making good money

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet? J.R.R. Tolkien because I want to ask one specific question. Otherwise, Harold Godwinson!

Tag as many mutuals as you want!!

I'm gonna tag @shitty-drawer @akaviri-dovah @crysdrawsthings because I've been talking to you guys for ages and still don't know what some of your favorite things are

[cupboardgods]

Long diary post about disco elysium and what it means to me

CW mentions of weight, mental health issues, chronic pain, friendship ending, being sad about the state of the world. Mostly nonspecific descriptions.

Also yes this is personal but it's ok to read and respond if you want. But I'm turning rbs off.

I've read A LOT of disco fics, but my favorite ones are those that deal with Harry's healing journey. I've fortunately not dealt with addiction myself, but I do struggle with very poor mental health. It's incredibly relatable and cathartic to see him struggle and then healing to see him get better or find acceptance. ((Bonus points if it's harrykim, but part of that is bc I've been in a relationship for 9 years, and it's made me sappy.))

Not long ago, I spent a good 6 months to a year avoiding any media that might have stressed me out. No violence. No combat in video games. Nothing unpredictable. Nothing where people were yelling. I had let my issues get so out of bounds that my body know how to process fictional stress anymore.

Work had made me so stressed out that I was constantly ill, confused, and on the verge of a panic attack. I lost a signifcant amount of weight without explanation. I was in and out of doctors' offices. My wrists and arms were in constant nerve and muscle pain. I had night terrors in which i would be attacked and feel it. One of my best friends of many years ended our relationship abruptly and without explanation, and she did it the day I reached out to tell her I was struggling but starting to get help.

And somehow it wasn't even the worst I'd ever felt. College was way worse, and i somehow survived that without the access to Healthcare i have now.

Anyway, in the middle of that avoidance period, I hit a sort of rock bottom emotionally.

I played Disco Elysium almost one year out from that rock bottom. It was good timing on my part. And I knew immediately that it was gonna be my new thing. I hadn't had a true obsession in so long (i was depressed). Then the following month I played it three times back to back i think.

This story that contained every bit of darkness that i had been avoiding, and yet it made me feel good. I went in completely blind and came back with something so meaningful I could barely take it. And it made me feel smart and useful. All I wanted to do was talk about it. It's still all I want to do.

I think 2024 being an election year also made it more meaningful to be a disco fan. I like being informed. I like engaging with political opinion. But like a lot of people I couldn't really handle reading the news. I hope this doesn't make me look bad, but I was able to process so much of last year's current events through and because of disco elysium.

2022-2023, and i guess 2024 too really mirrored my struggles back in college. I was in a really bad way back then. And it freaks me out so much knowing that i could have been worse.

You know what saved me in college? The Adventure Time season 6 finale saved me.

Truly I give all my thanks forever and ever to the power of good fiction and hyperfixation. When Finn the Human chose his disgusting meat body and all the struggles of mortal life over omniscient and detached immortality, I felt changed. Like it was my turn to accept my own meat body and all the problems of earth with grace and neutrality. If I think about it too hard I will start crying though.

I relate to Harry's passion, burnout, self sabotaging tendencies, addictive personality, vague traumatic memories, need to help people, chronic pain, unspecified illnesses, impulse to bite back, getting my sad all over the room... I've certainly lived an easier life than this fictional man, but you know, yeah. It doesn't matter. I still get to benefit from making him cry on the sea ice and meet cryptids. I get to benefit from his pain and hope. It's awesome

I think i need to play again soon. I think my current bad state is due mainly to the political situation in the US. I'm not usually one to feel existential fear, but how could I not in times like these. I could really use a lieutenant right now.

I'm also starting a new full time job in a few days, and it's in a new field. And im not gonna be able to see my therapist for a long time. Also my hands are hurting again, which is bad timing. I need those to work.

In just the last few weeks, I've felt the darkness creep back in after holding it at bay for a year and a half. I wasn't doing that great, all that time, but i didn't feel...despair like this. I'm better equipped to deal with it now than I was 2 years ago.

Also I know I can get get more out of DE. Or at the very least, chill the fuck out.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that I wrote a whole ttrpg plot set in Jamrock about a death cult that worships the pale (it's far more nuanced then that but i'm purposefully withholding spoilers). This was a huge creative boon for me, a completely new experience, and I'm really proud of my writing. I also got to process some of my despair through this project. The cult in my story was recruiting people with messages of leaving behind hardship, becoming one. I even wrote a reference to Finn's meat body in a "radio transcript". Anyway it's good to choose life and not off yourself even though life is hard etc etc.

[juvia-is-beast]

Hey Y'all I rarely post stuff of my own but I'm in need of help. I've always had a hard time asking for help but I've become desperate. I just moved out of my toxic Indian household at 27 with no savings because my mom would take all of my SSI checks and huge chunks of my paycheck that I worked for. I'm having a lot of health issues and chronic pain flare ups. I work at a college but I've been put in an administrative role until I can get my health in order. I don't have as many hours but now I can actually see doctors. My family was preventing me from getting help, from seeing doctors or getting my meds on time. I have PTSD and I can't drive because of it. I need financial help. I've been approved for SNAP but I'm waiting on my EBT card. I'll be going to a food bank tomorrow to get some food but that still leaves me with no funds to buy medical marijuana. I've been experiencing nerve pain the last 2 months and hormonal migraines for a straight month. I live in FL and it's super heavily taxed and I'm having trouble getting my muscle relaxers re-prescribed because I need a specialist to prescribe them for my insurance to keep paying for them. I have no other proper pain management rn. Please help me. I know the global climate is at its worst right now and I feel guilty making this post with everything going on in Palestine but that doesn't change the fact that I NEED HELP.

If you can help in any way please, even suggestions on what to do better with e-begging would be greatly appreciated.

My Cash@pp: $ButtPirate27

I can also tutor you online in Algebra if you need a math tutor I can help with Pre-Calc and Trig too but I'm far too rusty on Calculus to tutor but I would gladly tutor for any financial help.

If you want more info on my situation I don't mind sharing. I've been on Tumblr for 11 years and barely ever posted about my own life. I know that there are definitely people here willing to help but there have also been a fair share of scammers so I understand the hesitation. Here's my cat Ares, something cute to look at. I want to get him a cat tree too and a bin to make a housed litter box for him.

[quirkwizard]

I've been wondering how medical care would be involved with quirks and what you thoughts were. Some thoughts I've had were if there are specialists for certain quirk types, such as fire quirks or physical therapists for strength enhancement quirks. Would checking the ability of a person's quirk factor into medical practices, because I doubt many quirks would be at their best performance at all times.

I've already talked about the medical field before, but I can always go over it again.

I could certainly see there being a lot of changes and advancements within the medical field. Quirks are biological in nature and would be covered by doctors. Surely, there would be to massive adjustments to have doctors are trained into to work with this whole new aspect of the human body. I can't imagine all the training doctors would have to go through in order to work with all the new parts a human may or may not have. How do you determine how Since we know that Quirks can be affected by psychological blocks, they are bound to be affected by physical issues of it. Besides very direct examples of it, like Gran Torino poor lungs weakening "Jet" as he ages, I think there are kinds of ways how your physical health could affect Quirks, even something as small and common as a cold. And while I'm not sure if there is any singular way to check someone's Quirk factor, as they are far too varied to fit under a single test, I'm sure you could run a series of tests based around the Quirk's functions. Like a doctor could test and compare the potency of someone's armored shell to a previous visit or see how potent someone's fire is on a dummy.

That being said, I'm not sure if there would be such specific fields for Quirks. I doubt that something as basic or common as a fire power would have a whole field dedicated to it. Besides being too specific of a field to have any kind of doctorate based around, I believe that Quirks are a whole are too diverse to really teach anyone. Then again, the medical world can have super specific surgeons and doctors, so there could be a chance that is a thing. I think it would be more likely that you'd need some equivalent of a general practitioner for Quirks, going to them for any and all medical issues related to Quirks or that whatever field that'd study in would be expanded to include those Quirks. Using the physical therapist examples, they would turn learn how to handle and get the equipment to handle people with hyper dense muscles. Otherwise, I think there would be specialists, just with a broader net. Like there could be a doctor who specializes in people with major mutations to their body, such as "Sludge Villain" or people with Animal Mutations. Stuff like that is such a massive deviation and a common enough issue that I could see it requiring that level of dedication to work it.

[sunlit-chrysalis]

Introduction post

•Hello, I am Sunlit_Chrysalis or just Chrysalis.

•I post a lot about audio drama/podcast related things and even draw a little(although I'm not very good at it).

•I go by any pronouns, but usually prefer They/It.

•I tend to go on long rants about my interests, share headcanons, write shitty fanfics, post silly doodles or joke art, and overall just goof off. If that sounds like fun to you, please feel free to follow and join in the chaos lol!

•I'm super chill most of the time, especially over here, so please don't worry about me jumping at you for something you said. Just have fun<3

•I've never really considered this before, but I've had a few people ask(which is wild to me /pos), so here's my current official answer: No, I do not do commissions, however I am totally fine with requests if you have some. I'm not a good artist, so please look at some of the things I have drawn for reference so I don't end up disappointing you. I'm a somewhat ok writer tho and am 100% fine with writing character fics if someone asks, so long as they're SFW. I don't think I'm NEARLY good enough at either art or writing to have people paying me to make things for them, tho.

📼{Statement of Noel [ⱤɆƉ₳Ȼ₮ɆƉ]. Archival assistant at The Magnus Institute, London}📼

Now, for a more personal introduction:

•Hi! My name is Noel(You can pronounce it "No-Elle" or "Nole" I don't mind either), but i also go by Nessie and my middle name Everest. Just choose whatever you'd prefer!

•I'm Genderfluid(kinda) and Aroace. I'm also Abroromantic.

📼{Statement continues}📼

{🌫🔥🕸🪱💀☢️⚰️☁️🌀🌑🎭👁🦷🔪🐺}

•The reason I say kinda is due to the fact that me and many close friends of mine suspect I may be part of an OSDD system of some sorts. So labels have a habit of changing often.

•For other mental things, I have these!(I love these buttons):

•I am also physically disabled. I have Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome(Not officially diagnosed but heavily suspected by multiple doctors and diagnostic criteria is met), Some sort of heart issues, Endometriosis, Gastroparisis, and more unfortunately. I also have diagnosed arthritis in my hands, so if I complain about them hurting while drawing, that's why lol.

•If I do get officially diagnosed with something like DID/OSDD, I'll probably ask who's willing to tag, and I'll add said tags to this post if needed.

Some of my interests are:

•The Magnus Archives & Protocol

•Malevolent

•Spirit Box Radio

•Hello from the Hallowoods

•Welcome to Night Vale

•Red Valley

•The Penumbra Podcast(No i don't support the creators, but I love Juno and Nureyev too much to let go of them)

•King Falls AM

•Camp here & There

•Wolf 359

•Hannibal

•Cryptids

•Analog horror

•RPG Maker horror games

•Marble Hornets and The Slenderverse as a whole

•Cthulhu mythos

•Mythology and folklore

•Rhythm games

•Criminal Minds

•Infinity Nikki

•Minecraft

•BG3

•TTRPG'S

•Stardew Valley

•Hoyoverse games(No, I don't support Hoyoverse)

•And a whole lot more that i won't bore you with lol.

📼{Audio recording by Noel [ⱤɆƉ₳Ȼ₮ɆƉ]. Archival Assistant at The Magnus Institute, London}📼

Currently on loop:

•The Exorcist - CALYPSO

•Butcher Vanity - Vane Lily

•Envy Baby - PJSK April fools cover

•Phony - PJSK April fools cover

•Purpose - 9Lana

•Lower ones eyes - English cover by Oktavia

•The Mind Electric - Chorus cover by TEAM

•Cute Na Kanojo - Cover by Will Stetson

•Animal Impulses and Bernadette - IAMX

•Language of the Lost - RIProducer

•Pretty much every Kikuo, MARETU, and Azari song possible lol

•Anything made by Will Wood

I'd add more userboxes, but I'm on the app so I can't (T_T)

[ninus9607]

Amelia Shepherd - SERIES

8. McSteamy?

Warnings: nothing, I think

AN: GUYS, SORRY I DIDN'T NOTICE THIS PART WAS NOT PUBLISHED HERE ON TUMBLR

Word count: 1,8 k

Two weeks have passed. I was alternating between neuro and OB. But I wasn't under Derek's service he took care of it, Burke was with Cristina as usual, but I'm not mad at them because they're secretly dating, and who's left for me to take under his care? My savior, Doc Amelia Shepherd.

At first, it was purely professional, but her charismatic nature and charm made it very easy for her to tear down the walls I had put up to protect myself. She was so amazing and so precise in her work that I was amazed at what she was able to do.

There are times when I see a Derek in her, in the way she talks or acts, and it makes me feel remorseful. The whole situation was complicated and the fact that I shouted at him doesn't bother me at all, but maybe I overreacted a bit, the fact that I almost broke his nose does bother me, even though he gets on my nerves, I still see him as a mentor and an older brother.

Working on the neuro was the easiest and most enjoyable part of my job, and then came the hard part. Ob. Addison wasn't lying, and she really did call me into her service sometimes, and the work on Ob is terrible, but everyone already knows how much I hate it.

On the other hand, I became very close to Addison. We crossed professional boundaries a long time ago, and our friendship meant a lot to me. She always knows how to cheer me up and calm me down when I'm stressed, and she can also make me nervous, even if it's just with a friendly flirt.

Today I was in Bailey Services for a change and had the task of helping anyone who needed help, although there weren't many patients in the hospital, so it was a piece of cake for me. I did some tests on some patients upstairs and went to the lab to get the results.

There were many nurses in the lab, so I had to wait, and that's when nervous George sat beside me.

"H-ey, Len."

"Hi George, what's up?" I turned to him, giving him my full attention.

"We-ll, Uhm, I just wan-ted to ask you a question."  I nodded to give him the signal to continue.

"You see, I've been thinking about it for a long time and I like you and I'd like to ask you to go to the hospital prom with me." I was very surprised and I didn't want to hurt him but I definitely didn't want to go there with him, George is great, cute, everything is great but he's too young for me. Daddy issues

"George... Listen, you're a great guy, but I don't think it would be a good idea, but I'm sure if you ask others they'd be happy to go with you. I'm sorry George" I felt sorry for him when I saw the sad look on his face.

He nodded and walked away, and as soon as he was gone they called my name to come and pick up the results. I took them to the necessary rooms until I saw Meredith talking WITH DEREK? He had his hand on her shoulder and they were pretty close to each other like very close, WHAT IS THAT BITCH DOING? And Meredith? Is she that easy to seduce?

I would have stopped them if a pager hadn't gone off telling me that I needed to get to the patient on the other side quickly, I needed to run there, the patient was collapsing and the nurses didn't know what to do

But luckily we were able to save him, God, I can't imagine what Bailey would have said to me if I had failed to do something about it. I was going to go back to them, but I heard a noise coming from the corridor, so I went over there to have a look.

There were many people, but in the middle, I saw Derek and a doctor I didn't know, he was far away and I couldn't see who he was. They were talking about something, but Derek turned around and punched the doctor, oh what the hell is going on here?

Wait, isn't that Sloan? given the aggression Derek showed, it would fit, Mark took  Addison from Derek, even though it was a long time ago... what is he doing here? I leaned against the wall enjoying the chaos, although I must admit the fight was a bit rough, they were both bloody and tired.

The Chief appeared from the other side and pushed them apart. "What the hell is going on? Have you gone mad? You two get into my office right now, Anderson, you too!" yells and points at me.

"WHAT? Why me? I've done nothing?!" I followed Derek and Mark into the chief's office and we sat together. After a while, the chief came and took a seat in front of us. I felt like I was back in school again when I made a problem and we had to go to the headmaster's office.

"So can you tell me why my best doctors here have been in fights and beatings for the last month?"

"It's not my fault, it's not my fault these guys have big egos." As if to say it wasn't my fault, I threw up my hands.

"Anderson, if I were you, I'd be worried, I've seen what's happened to you and Derek, I'll sort it out in a minute, Doc. Sloan, why did Derek hit you?"

"Chief, I have no idea, I was standing in the corridor talking to this intern, Meredith I think her name was, and I asked her where I could find her beautiful friend and that's when Derek pulled me and hit me, but I'm just lucky I found her friend at least her."  And he smiled at me with a wink.

"And I promise I will break your arm if you ever touch Meredith or Len again." Wait a minute. So Derek hit him for me? They argued for about half an hour. Then the chief sent Mark to work and turned to me.

"So tell me, Anderson, why did you hit Derek two weeks ago? I was going to leave it at that, but after today I can see it was a bad idea."

"Chief, I know I overreacted, but he had it coming to him, he was very rude to Meredith."

"But I have to. I had no choice and the Chief himself gave me an ultimatum that I had to end it and I had to be nasty so that Meredith would hate me, do you think I'd want to hurt her?" The pager of the boss went off and he had to leave the room, but we stayed in the room.

"So you didn't want to do it?" I asked him.

"I'd never do it unless I had to, so I hated myself for it, but I'd already explained it to Meredith, you know I love her and I was going to explain it to you, but then I saw Mark and I heard what he was saying and I was so pissed off."

"Oh," Now I was feeling a little bit embarrassed.

"You know, when I saw Mark with Meredith I was afraid he was going to take her over again and when he was interested in you it made me even madder, he's not good for you, he's not good at relationships, he never has been, he just enjoys it and then throws it away. I had to do something, for your protection and for my sister's. I had no idea what she would do if Mark took you away from her." What does he mean?

"So you wanted to protect me?" With tears in my eyes, I looked at him.

"Yeah, I will always try to protect you. Hey, Hey, don't cry... it's okay." He stood up and hugged me, God, I felt so embarrassed, but I felt helped by him hugging me.

"Thank you Derek really..." He gave me a smile and we sat there in a comfortable silence.

"Oh, also... I'm sorry I punched you... It wasn't really part of my plan, it was just kind of a coincidence." I chuckled to myself.

"Well, it was surprising and powerful, I must say, I wasn't expecting it, but you were really angry. You could have broken my nose if you'd hit it higher. But you're too short." 

"OK, I'm done."

when the chief arrived he was in a better mood and we managed to get out of it without any problems, at least that's how it went. I looked at my watch and my working hours were over and I could go home, I went down the stairs to the cloakroom, packed my things and came to the reception.

Addison was near the counter and when she noticed me she gave me a nod and motioned for me to come over to her. I was going to turn to her, but Mark got in the way of me and stopped me.

"Doc. Anderson, I've been lookin' all over the place for you. It is very hard to find beautiful girls like you here."

"So you've found me, what do you need? But be warned, my working hours are over and I'm planning to go home." I can see now why they call him McSteamy.

"Oh great, since you're not working, why don't we go and get something to drink?" oh what a confidant.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Addison squealing in disgust and moving closer to us. "Hmm, I don't think so, thank you for the offer."

"Oh cmon, one drink..." He was leaning a little bit towards me, but I put my hand on his chest and I pulled him away from me.

"No."

"I love that you're unapproachable, okay, so how about you come with me to the prom?"

"You think if I said no to drinks I'd go to the prom with you? McSteamy?"

"Yeah!"

"So you're wrong, can you please move on, I'd like to go home now."

"Under one condition." God, he was annoying.

"if you promise to have one dance with me." One dance won't kill me, right? Dance no but Amelia maybe.

"I'll have a look at what I can do with it." He smiled at me and cleared the way for me, I walked over to Addison, but she was looking very irritated.

"Hey? You're okay?"

She just nodded her head and showed me the files for a very big operation she had in mind for me.

PS: Do you think Amelia will be jealous of Mark's dance with Len, or will she ask her to dance with her?

xx

[ashleywool]

ramblings on the intersection of science and faith

My MRI report came in yesterday.

I'm not gonna get too deep into the medical details until I've had a chance to discuss it in-depth with the professionals (which unfortunately probably won't be until Monday at the earliest), but I do have some things I need to say about it.

First: I'm okay. My life is not in danger. Making these discoveries now has undoubtedly saved me years of struggle that may well have gone on to endanger my life. Instead, I get to address the source of many ongoing issues and most likely cure them all. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty big deal, but not a big scary deal.

Second: yes, I will need surgery. This has not been officially confirmed and its safety signed off on by a doctor, but from reading everything I can get my eyeballs on, I don't see any reason under the sun why surgery would not be the logical and urgent (but not like, emergency urgent) next step.

Again, I'm not gonna go too deep into the details until I understand it better and we have a game plan in place. But I have to talk a little bit about the feelings that are bubbling up around all of this.

My condition, and the particular way it has manifested, is exceedingly rare. I mentioned one of the tests I took to a doctor who had to be older than my parents, and he said, "I have not heard those words in that order since medical school." Of course, I know that just because something is rarely reported doesn't necessarily mean its existence is rare. But in my case, it seems like it's both.

I'm a Broadway actress with no medical background and I somehow figured out what was going on in my body even though it was ridiculously unlikely to be true. And now the doctors have no choice but to acknowledge these discoveries.

I would not have discovered any of these things if it hadn't been for the show closing when it did, my ovarian demon babies causing trouble when they did, having that surgery when I did, and having a chance conversation with a friend who just happened to be marrying a friend I've known since high school (and wouldn't have known if it hadn't been for our one shared chorus class)...any tiny alterations to that timeline could have led to a completely new timeline.

I miss our show every minute of every day. My heart misses it. My bank account misses it. But also, if the show was still running, I'd be physically struggling even more, and I would not have had the time and freedom to pursue the solutions. If the show was still running, and I was still pushing myself to continue with it, it might have caused irreparable (or at least excruciatingly-slow-to-repair) damage.

The sheer statistical likelihood of everything that's happened, everything happening, everything that is in my life right now, is staggeringly low. Practically impossible.

And so, once again I find myself saying, I can't not believe in God. I can't not believe that my life and my purpose were by design and by a Designer.

I could dig deep into arguments about the finer points of theology all day. I could happily lose myself in Bible study--not just the literal words, but the history and cultural context for all of it. I could "academic" my Christianity to death the same way I "academic" everything else in my life to death. By that logic, some would argue, I shouldn't even be a Christian. "Walk by faith and not by sight," and what have you.

But I believe--and this tends to ruffle feathers of Christians and atheists alike--that one must walk by faith only after sight is entirely exhausted. My faith is rooted in the question of what happens when the science stops sciencing. My faith is rooted in the question of, why would humans be driven by a sense of purpose and an impulse to know the answers, unless the answers were meant to be known to us? Even if the answers change nothing, even if our sated curiosity has no practical value, we delight in it.

I think walking by sight often and inevitably leads to faith. Digging deep into science and logic brings us closer to God, not farther away.

Discovering all the things I just discovered about my brain and my body has strengthened my commitment to all the things I feel called to do. And rectifying the situation will enable me to live out those callings with more energy and effectiveness than I've ever had.

I can't conceive of a reality in which that wasn't done on purpose.

Anyway. I'm working on a list of things I'm going to do once I'm on the other side of this, and I'm planting the seeds for them right now. Maybe I'll share it later. Maybe I won't. I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

[digiblueslush]

yall my health insurance wont stop MOCKING ME

for context, in june 2024, I had a pretty significant medical event for lack of better terms. I had a weird, almost stroke like thing happen, and i wasn't able to really walk properly for about 5 months (i still could walk but my gait and stride were VERY fucked up and i had so much pain in my knees) it wasn't actually a stroke so I played doctor ping pong and hoped someone would tell me anything more than "your just stressed". It ended up being a very easy but pretty rare vitamin deficiency but nobody tested me for that vitamin until i started having GI issues.

I had a lot of imaging done just making sure nothing was wrong brain neck spine wise, but 2 of my images were sent (without my knowledge) to a different clinic to have them interpreted. I wasn't informed that insurance didn't cover the costs until they went into collections.

We filed an appeal, they said you gotta have this this and this and denied the inital appeal, then we appealed again after THEY gave us access to some of the forms they needed. last week they sent my mom (i am under her insurance but I'm 19 so i am the guarantor i think thats the word) a letter about the appeal UNDER MY SISTERS NAME, DENYING THE CLAIM ON MY NAME BECAUSE WE TOOK TO LONG. LIKE GIRL YOU JUST CHARGED ME FOR SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED WELL OVER A YEAR AGO, IT TAKES A WHOLE 8 HOUR WORK DAY TO GET "TRANSFERED" TO SOMEONE WHO JUST HANGS UP, 3 MONTHS FROM THE INITIAL FILE DAY IS FUCKING NOTHING.

anyways, heres the mockery if that wasn't enough. I have hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome (among several other things), which causes me significant joint pain, but I can't get in to see someone who can actually diagnose it (even though its just a fucking checklist of things i've already had confirmed) meaning I can't get into management programs because "its not medically necessary" without the official diagnosis.

I got a PROMOTIONAL (how fucking sick is that in the bad way that is wrong on so many levels) THAT THEY COULD OFFER A $20 A WEEK 12 WEEK PODCAST FOR BACK AND JOINT PAIN. THAT MOSTLY CONSISTS OF DIETARY CHANGES (BAD FOR ME) AND TRADITIONAL EXCERCISE (ALSO USUALLY BAD FOR ME)

like why complain about me being dysfunctional in a society that won't allow me to be functional? I get systemic power, but what is the point of putting so many barriers to disabled people being able to manage their conditions better and just live life if you want more people working? you can't complain about disabled people wasting your tax money when A. theyre not and B. there would be a significant increase in how many disabled people work IF TREATMENT AND MANAGEMENT WASN'T A LUXURY THAT WE'RE PURPOSEFULLY LEFT TOO BROKE TOO AFFORD JUST FROM SOCIAL SECURITY

I am in quite the rambly mood today, so I'm sure theres a few parts where my words aren't accurate to what I mean but yeah. Fuck health insurance.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

hi, i’ve been following you for a while but this is my first time back on the app in a long long time. I just saw your post about getting sent home from surgery, I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are truly not alone with your frustrations with medicine right now. i have been struggling for years with so many issues such as incredibly low ferratin, my glucose levels are off, i can’t keep my platelet level high enough and because i’m so young they refuse to help me figure out if i may have an autoimmune disease. whenever i finally get to see a doctor i’m told i just need to make a lifestyle change & to go home. I have not felt like myself in years. not only that, i’ve watched my mother go through the same thing i’m going through and come home crying because she was disregarded by yet another doctor. keep fighting, you will find help. i’m so sorry for the way you have been treated & i cannot imagine your own frustration as someone who is in the field themselves. i know it seems hopeless, but i am rooting for you <3 thank you for sharing your story so that other people feel seen as well. I truly appreciate it.

Thank you so much for reaching out. I completely understand "not feeling like myself" part. I mean I've always had chronic pain and it did limit me somewhat but I was also functioning despite it. Last two years have brought me to my knees and I can't believe it but I miss the usual chronic pain and fatigue, because this, how I am right now, is not sustainable and at this point I just want my life back. Feels like all I've done is work and sleep and gain weight, because I have no energy to do anything else. I started working out again in September and lost some weight and was thinking maybe I'm getting better and in like 3 weeks I got so much worse and the last 3 months have been absolute hell.

I went into this field to help people like me. A little selfish in a way because I used everything I can learn to help myself (lot of good it did, huh), but also to be that one doctor people come to and know their voice is heard and that the person before them will do everything to help. Medical gaslighting (for women especially) is terrible, I'm sorry they're not taking you seriously. The saddest part is that it takes either a life threatening event for them to help or 10+ years before you find someone who is willing to do the necessary work and tests and help you. I've been on both sides, I hope you find someone capable before it gets bad. If the doctor won't listen, switch doctors if you financially can or badger the first one continuously until they hear what you have to say. I wish I advocated for myself more. I wish my parents advocated for me too, because I haven't been pain free since I turned 9. Don't give up either, okay? Chronic illness girlies might be a terrible name for a club but unfortunately there's a lot of us in it. Trust your intuition and your body, you know best when something isn't right. Always trust that gut feeling. Journal symptoms with dates and severity, and if you do your labs always keep the results, form your own medical history. I'm really sorry you're going through that. I wish you didn't suffer this way. No one should be put in this position.

P.S. the lifestyle change they talk about...can hold some merrit but root cause won't be fixed by simply losing some weight and fixing your diet. I've tried. The fact they barely understand the concept of "my diet isn't great because I'm too tired to cook, I'm in pain and working out makes it worse or the I'm gaining weight because of my symptoms that you refuse to acknowledge and treat". Most of us tend to gain weight because of the chronic issues that go unresolved for so long. Hearing "lose weight" pisses me off because my symptoms were there when I was skinny too, it makes no difference. Will it help somewhat? Maybe. But to blame weight and lifestyle choices and treat that as a cure-all is frankly lazy and an insult to our lived experience.

[a-d-nox]

Hello👋🏻 I would like to participate in ur latest game😊 one goal I have for 2025 is for my education to finally continue after many years of being put on hold and also just for my life in general to have action in all aspects so that I can finally start moving forward. I say that because I've been in a stuck situation for years(like my life is being frozen and paused for years due to issues that are out of my control) and my 2024 is also one of those years but I feel like change is finally coming for me and I do hope for it.

For the reading, I choose disco ball(sorry I had to type it out because I don't have that emoji in my keyboard) and my initials are am.

I alrdy explained my situation above so I hope it makes sense. I just want to know if my life will finally change and stop being so stagnant next year 2025 especially when it comes to my education(to attending a college) since I badly want to continue it and start working on it again next year. Anything u can get about this situation please and thank you.

clocking no. 14

i commend you going back to school after taking time off is hard - especially when you have other things taking up your time. i too am thinking about getting my masters or a certification of some sort but - i don't know which or for what so that's not in the cards for me this coming year i think... but i also can't imagine going back? like i have a full time job when tf would i squeeze in school?? so again willpower of iron - i envy you for your strength to go back after having time outside of the academic environment.

on to the reading...

beginning -> 1.2 - i can sense your determination from here! you are ready! the time is now and you know it. you know what you want and what you need to do to get where you are going! you are sharp - you can do this! you just have to remember to be specific - what are your goals with this educational journey? what do you need this for? also be prepared and steel yourself - it won't be easy - you have to be kind to yourself! don't give it up no matter how hard it gets?

middle -> 8.3 - you have to believe you can do it to do it. there was a brief moment in time that i almost dropped out because i didn't feel smart or like it was worth trying... but that was when i realized i want a degree no matter what - so i changed my major. don't be afraid to get creative with how you achieve the end results... it's okay to change your mind so long as you aren't doing it because you feel like you can't do something - you can! you are very capable! let it take time - or change the end result - there are infinite possibilities for what you can do!

end -> 1.6 - you have to do what is right for you - there is only one you after all! just go for what YOU want - forget everyone else. you have to want to do this for yourself without feeling the pressure from an outside for like "my whole family is in a medical field - so i am going to school to be a doctor" - but is that WHAT YOU WANT? don't be afraid to stand out and to do something out of the ordinary...

-a.d.