#I've got a lot to think about right now. And I have some difficult decisions coming up ahead

[strohller27]

.

[ddaz3d-and-cc0nfused]

༉‧₊˚. 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 || 𝐬𝐚𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫

― pairing: sam winchester x plus size!reader

― summary: sam winchester was never comfortable with pda, but while on a hunt, sam is shaken with the harsh reality that he's needy, and the only person that can fix it was you.

― warnings: kissing, making out, dry humping, marking, teasing, needy sam winchester.

― wc: 1288

⋆ a/n: more old writing sigh, but i guess i can say i kind of like this one but i kinda didn't know a lot about sam's character when i wrote this because i was only in the earlier seasons then, but now since i've watched the show three times, i feel like i can say that i know his character like the back of my hand!

masterlist | AO3

You had no idea what was up with Sam that day, but he couldn't seem to keep his hands to himself. He wasn't usually a PDA type of person, opting to keep the kisses pg, meaning only cheek, temple, or forehead kisses. You had no problem with it, because if he wasn't comfortable with doing it out in the open or if he was afraid it would make him look unprofessional, you had no reason to try and push him to do anything he didn't want to.

When the affection happened in private, it just made it all the more special, both of your senses heightened and a lot more pleasurable when you two made love.

You never usually joined the brothers on hunts per Sam's request, only staying behind in the hotel room to offer some emotional support afterwards; but this time, you felt like going on an adventure. Dean was more than happy to humor you, but Sam was a bit more skeptical. He knew that you were your own person, that he truly had no say over what you did, so all the hunter asked was for you to stay close to him; easy enough, right?

At first it was a little difficult seeing how there were many places you three had to go, and it was giving Sam some anxiety, not only that, but he was feeling a type of way that he couldn't put his finger on. He thought it may have been is psychic abilities, but one touch from you and his skin lit on fire, he instantly knew that he was horny. When he got into your shared hotel bed together, his crotch pressed into you full rump, it took every bone in his body to not jump you right then and there, to keep his wondering hands placed tightly in yours.

You could sense something was off with your lovely boyfriend when you had gotten into the Impala, and instead of Sam sitting up front with his brother, he chose to sit in the back with you, one hand on your thigh. You found it a bit strange, but nonetheless welcomed the out of the blue affection. But you didn't welcome it when all of you split to go investigate different parts of an abandoned house, Sam hot on your heels.

As you were turned around, you felt Sam wrap his arms around your waist, his head buried in between your shoulder and your neck.

"Sam?" You questioned, the energy detecting device in your hand slowly lowering. He dragged his large hand down your fluffy stomach, resting it over the zipper of your pants. "Sammy?" You asked again, but this time your voice was higher pitched. He always acted this way when he was needy, but it was never out in the open like this, not when somebody could easily walk in and see your compromising decision.

"I just— I just want you so bad. . . I don't—" Sam rambled, pulling down the zipper of your fly. "You couldn't wait to do this?" You breathed, your head slightly tipping back. "Why did you think I picked the farthest room in the house?" Of course he lead you hear with an ulterior motive, why wouldn't he? He was smart, strategical, and you'd be lying if you said that you were tempted to give in.

"Sam, we can't, I'm sorry." Your hands fell over his sneaky one's, pulling your zipper back up and placing his hands back on your waist. He audibly groaned when you turned around threw your arms around his neck. His pupils were blown out, his expression was that of a kicked puppy. "Baby, you know that I want this as much as you do, I always will, but not in public." You sighed, pushing some of his hair out of his face. "I know. . . Can I— can I just kiss you?" He asked, his hands sliding lower before resting on the swell of your ass.

"Dean's gonna be real mad that we haven't got anything," You teased running your fingers through his hair, but you showed no hostility as his lips ghosted over yours. "It'll only be for a couple of minutes. . ." He mumbled, pressing his lips onto yours. It felt so great to kiss you, like your touch was slowly extinguishing the fire that had been burning in his stomach for the past two days. He couldn't help that his palms gripped your ass aggressively, rubbing you crotches together. You moaned quietly into his mouth, Sam hiking up your thigh so that he could get a better angle. His growing erection was pressed against your heated cunt, the friction driving both of you nuts.

"You said only kissing. . ." You breathed against his lips, arousal becoming more prominent in your panties. He only groaned in reply, his head tipping back so that his neck was exposed to you. You attached your lips onto is most sensitive spot located just under his ear, Sam bucking his hips against you. You were muting yourself by making marks that wouldn't easily be seen, but Sam was forced to bite his lower lip to silence himself. The worst part about doing this in not only a potentially haunted house, was that it was extremely empty, sound basically bouncing off the walls. You knew Dean would never allow Sam to live this down if he were to catch the two of you.

The tingling sensation of an orgasm was barely in your grasp, but it was enough to detach yourself from his neck and collarbones, only placing a kiss there which your lipstick left a mark.

"Sam, ____?" Dean called out. "You guys got anything?" Your eyes widened as you pushed Sam off of you, giving him a look of apology. "Uhh— no, there's nothing here!" You shouted back, licking your sleeve and wiping the makeup off his lips. "Alright well I explored all of downstairs and most of the upstairs and I got nothin', so I think we're done here." His voice was a bit closer, but now by a lot. "Okay! So are we gonna go?" You asked, straightening up Sam as he stood there with a stupid smile on his face. "Yeah! I'm goin' to be in the Impala, so you guys better hurry up!" He concluded, his voice growing fainter as he walked back down the stairs."Sam," You growled, "I'm going to kill you." You glared, now wiping off your lips for any smeared product.

"I'm sorry honey, I got a bit carried away." He apologized, but he didn't even sound remotely sorry. You just scoffed, grabbing your things with the intention of leaving. "Sure." He only laughed, following close next to you. "Don't act like you didn't like it," He teased. You only rolled your eyes, but it provoked a small grin on your lips. "Well I hope this'll sedate you until we get back home." You poked, both of you now walking down the old stairs. "Maybe, but seeing how your butt is looking in those jeans, I may be tempted to do it again." You groaned, "I'm going with Dean next time."

As you guys were about to get into the car, your eyes landed on your lipstick mark that you had placed on the side of Sam's neck. You felt your stomach fall into your ass but it was already too late, Sam had gotten into the front seat of the car while you got into the back anxiously. You watched Dean look at Sam's neck before smirking wolfishly, making eye contact with you in the rearview window.

"Looks like you guys got a lot of things done." He said, his voice full of amusement.

ೃ⁀➷ my lovely taglist!: @alina02 @louderfortheback @minervadashwood @fandomsarelifee @theendofthe70s @nomajdetective @mgg-theprettiestboy

[justmeinadaze]

My Little Man (Steddie X You) (Part of HFOD and SS Universe)

A/N: I guess you guys would call this season 3? Lol. My angst hella took over as well as some feelings I've been dealing with lately.

Enjoy please <3.

Part of this Universe

Warnings: Demon Steddie & Human Fem Reader, No SMUT in this one, FLUFF, they love each other and their son. Demon Steddie is navigating how to be human while taking care of a pregnant Y/N.

ANGST: More or less the normal level of angst that comes with this series. The theme is grief and PTSD (from a soldiers perspective). Y/N is still struggling with the notion of her parents not being there to see Ellis grow up and the guys (especially Steve) is struggling with being raised how they were and taught to fight. Eddie struggles with feelings of enabling because of everything they went through.

The dreams probably have the most feels. They talk to their loved ones and Ellis says goodbye. Steve has nightmares that involve his dad being a dick (of course) and something that happens within one angers Eddie (blood briefly mentioned).

Word Count: 6398

"Don't you know I love you more than life itself Don't you know that you're my pride And I would not have you walking through this world Without me by your side

Go to sleep my little man Don't you weep my little man"

3 Months Pregnant

Steve sits on the bench outside of the library he had just exited from, sighing heavily as he closed his eyes and threw his head back.

Ever since the three of you got home, he and Eddie had been doing research on which human job they would best be suited for in your realm but were struggling to find much of anything. For him, it was even more difficult since he was raised to be a solider. He genuinely didn’t know how to do anything else and it didn’t help that even though you explained a lot of human behavior, he still felt slightly ignorant with many things. 

“May I sit?” The demon jumped at the sound of a gravelly voice beside him. “Oh, shit. Sorry, son. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, it’s alright. Um, please.”, he gestures towards the area beside him causing the man to flash him a thankful grin as he takes a seat. 

“How long?”

“I’m sorry?”

“I asked how long. I know the look of a fellow veteran trying to figure out how to adapt to a civilian lifestyle. How long has it been since you saw combat?”

“Oh, uh, it’s…it’s been a few years. But I did it the bulk of my life.”

“I can imagine with you being so young. I bet one of your parents was a solider as well?”

“Wow. Yeah, that’s amazing. How did you…?”

“I told you, son. I know the look.”, the man chuckles as he extends his hand. “Truman Duvall; Ex Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army.”

“Steven Harrington. Um, Sergeant in the US Army. Well, Ex.”, Steve laughs nervously as he hopes his memory of things he’s learned about humans in the past is still up to date.

“Nice to meet you. If I may ask, what were you thinking so hard about specifically?”

“My girlfriend is pregnant and I’m trying to find a job so I can help support my family. I want my son to have a better life then I did but I have no idea where to start.”

“Congratulations on the little bundle! I have four myself, two of them grown and out of the house already. My wife pretends like she’s glad they’re out but she misses them.”, he laughs. “I don’t know if you would be willing but down the street here, we have a recreation center where veterans go to relax and let loose. They’ve been looking for a counselor to lead the group therapy. I think you’d be a good fit.”

“Yeah? Um, I guess I could…”

“Look, you don’t even have to make a decision right now. Why don’t meet me there tonight? We’re having a little party get together thing. Of course, you can bring the girlfriend and you both can meet the person in charge. See if you feel comfortable.”

“O-Ok. I, um…” Steve pauses as he debates on if he should tell the truth about Eddie. That was a fight they had when it came to going home. He had been afraid that they would have to hide their relationship and he never wanted to hide or be hidden when it came to the man he loved. But this is also where he wanted to raise his son and he didn’t want to cause a commotion before you four even had a chance to settle in. What would Eddie do?

“Can I bring my boyfriend as well? He’s a veteran to. We actually met during our tour.”

Truman’s mouth pouted out ever so slightly as his eyebrows lifted in surprise. 

“Oh, um, sure! The more the merrier.”

***

“Steven, oh my God, that’s amazing!”, you exclaim as you wrap your arms around his neck. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Hang on, now. I don’t have a job yet but…”

“Don’t sell yourself short, bud.”, Eddie grins from his place on the kitchen counter. 

“I hope it’s ok that I kind of…announced…our relationship. We actually didn’t talk about what we wanted to do but I know if we had stayed in our realm I’d want to be honest.”

The long-haired demon opened his arms and Steve promptly placed himself between his legs with his back against his chest while Eddie rested his chin on his shoulder. 

“I’m glad you did. I love you and I’m not hiding that.”

“Me either.”, you smiled as they beamed right back. 

Suddenly, the happiness drains from your face before you turn and bolt towards the bathroom. You three had been home for a couple of months and within the past week some of the normal symptoms of pregnancy began springing up such as the morning sickness you were currently experiencing. 

“It’s alright, baby. Get it all out.”, Eddie tries to sooth as he holds your hair into a makeshift ponytail. As soon as you were finished, you fell back into his arms and thanked Steve when he handed you a bottle of water. 

“This is normal, right? Humans get nauseas like this.”, he asked. 

“Yeah, honey. It’s normal. I’m alright. I think I’m going to take a nap so I can be 100% for tonight.”

“Y/N, you don’t have to go.”

“No, Steve, I want to go. I want to see where you’ll be and the people you’ll be around.”

################

“Steve! You made it.”, Truman shouts excitedly as he reaches out to shake the boy’s hand. “You must be the girlfriend.”

“Hi. I’m Y/N.”

“Y/N. What a beautiful name for a beautiful woman and this is your…boyfriend? Right, son?”

“Yes, sir. This is Edward.”

“It’s nice to meet you. Steve said you’re a veteran as well. Were you a sergeant like himself?”

“Oh, uh, no. I was more of a private I guess you’d say. But we spent a lot of time together especially on the battlefield.”

“Wow and for you two to still be so close and find a relationship through all that chaos! That’s amazing. I always tell my wife if she met me during my tour she would have hated me. A lot of civilians don’t understand the headspace you have to fall into to do what we have to do.”

Both demon’s nod in understanding and you can’t help but softly smile as you watch them interact with the other people around them. Steve was definitely in his element and you could tell in some way he felt more comfortable in this setting because he was around beings who seemed to understand what they both went through. As his new friend spoke, his eyes remained intense and focused as he absorbed everything he said. 

Eddie excused himself to grab some drinks but became distracted talking to another couple and began to laugh at something they were saying. The first time you met him he expressed a particular distain for humans but he seemed to open up more since they were freed, finding something interesting in each person he interacted with. 

“Hey, this is my girlfriend Y/N.”, he introduces when you walk over to check on him. ���Y/N, this is Lisa and Shawn Bennett. Lisa did a tour in the Air Force flying jets and Shawn was a DJ overseas.”

“Oh wow. For the military or just on your own?”

“For the military. I’m kind of like that Cronauer guy they made the movie about. I read the reports and played music I thought would lift the troops spirits.”, the man explains. 

“Kind of like me.”, Eddie whispers in your ear making you smile. “What do you two do now if I may ask? Steve and I have been searching for employment but we have no idea what would fit us.”

“Well, I actually own a store of my own selling books and comics; things like that. I’m a bit of a nerd.”, Lisa laughs. 

“And I teach media and music courses at the local community college up here.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun actually. Are they looking for another music teacher because Eddie is an amazing musician.”

“Yeah? Unfortunately, they aren’t but you should consider maybe starting your own business as well. You can teach kids to play guitar or any other instruments you know and you can do it from your house or maybe the music store downtown is hiring.”

“Are you looking for a job to, Y/N? I’m trying to hire someone to help me with my shop.”, Lisa offers with a smile. 

“Oh, I’d love that. I’m, uh, I’m actually pregnant though and I wouldn’t want to leave you stranded after you just hired me.”

“That’s fantastic! Don’t even worry about it. You don’t seem very far along yet. I can teach you the ropes before you give birth and that way when you come back, you’ll already know what to do!”

As you glance at Eddie, his eyes widen with encouragement as he nods his head. 

“Ok, I’d love to work for you.”

Lisa claps and gives you a big hug as your demon beams behind you.

***

“Hello fellow veterans, spouses, and partners! Glad you could all join us tonight. I hope you are having some much needed fun! I do have just a quick announcement to make. I would like to introduce you to Steven Harrington who is new to Hawkins and after speaking with him I feel like he will be a great addition to our center here as the group counselor.” The man at the podium smiles as he gestures towards the demon and everyone around the room claps. “Steve, why don’t you introduce yourself?”

When he hesitates, you gently push him forward, urging him softly before he relents and nervously climbs up the makeshift stage. 

“Um, hi. Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve been seen by so many people.” The people chuckle as you and Eddie grin knowingly. “Like Thomas said, I’m, uh, new to Hawkins but my girlfriend is from here and my partner and I thought it would be better for her to be back home where she felt safe with her family so we can start raising our own. I-I-I…shit I used to better at this.”, he chuckles before glancing your way, your gentle smile comforting him. 

“I was raised in a military household. My dad was a solider so that’s what I was expected to be. As soon as I was able, he handed me a weapon and commanded I train to be the best. There was no wiggle room there. It was all or nothing. When I saw war…I shut down and did what I had to. I took no pleasure in killing, contrary to popular belief.”

“The worst part about shutting down that way was how it flowed into my every day. I was as an asshole to everyone including women I dated and people I trained… except for some of the people closest to me…Robin, Chrissy, and Eddie. When Edward and I got out…I felt so out of control…so lost. I lost my identity and everything I knew. If I didn’t have him by my side… Then we met Y/N and without her we literally wouldn’t be here today.”

Steve paused, looking out into the crowd, and realizing he may be talking too much. 

“Sorry. I’m sorry. Thank you so much for this opportunity and I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

The people in the room clap as he steps off the stage and you immediately wrap your arms around his waist as Eddie lightly caresses his cheek. 

***

4 Months Pregnant

You beam at Eddie as he softly strums his instrument. That day after Shawn suggested it, he went down to the music store in town and applied for the job as a guitar instructor. After playing and showing off for them he got the job. He loved hearing the kids try and play reminding him of the children he watched over with Steve during their war. 

Today was everyone’s day off so they were being lazy in bed with you in your pajamas and both demons in nothing but their sweats. 

“Ok, this thing here says for humans you should be feeling him move around now.”, Steve announced as he gestured towards the book he was reading. 

“I haven’t felt him move yet unless the occasional nausea is him saying hello.”, you giggle. Leaning over him, you grab his hand and place it on the middle of your stomach. “Talk to him.”

“Uh, I…hey, Ellis. It’s, um, your daddy. I’m not scaring him with my voice, right?”

“No, baby.”, you grin as you pet his head. “This is how he’ll get used to it though. Hearing and seeing you both in your demon form.”

“Buddy, you have no reason to be afraid of us in any form. I’m sorry your dads aren’t as beautiful as you and your mom but—”

“Hey, speak for yourself.”, Eddie teases making you laugh. “I’m a sexy motherfucker.”

“Oh.”

“What?”, Steve’s eyes shift up excitedly. 

“You didn’t feel that?”

When he shakes his head, you place his hand closer to the side you felt movement, gesturing for the other demon to do the same.

“Say something else.”

“Hey Ellis. This is your other daddy and I assure you we are very handsome.”

“Holy shit.”, Steve exhales as he grins up towards his partner. “That’s amazing.”

“I’m glad you agree, kid.”, Eddie smiles.

***

6 Months Pregnant

Eddie growls at the crib he was trying to assemble as his glowing red eyes glare at the instructions again. Over these past couple of months, you three had made your dad’s old room your bedroom and begun shifting the room you used to sleep in into Ellis’s. 

Going off his personality from your dreams, you painted the room blue with images of guitars along the base boards and up along the ridges of the ceiling. Near where his crib would be, you put up pictures of everyone in his family that loved him including Robin, Wayne, Dustin, and everyone who had passed that he had been conversing with these past six months. 

The boys were able to get everything a baby would need from your realm but also from theirs including those books that Eddie had wrote and some toys demons normally played with at a young age. 

“Whoever invented these contraptions should be tortured for eternity.”, Eddie grunted as he tried again putting a few of the pieces together. 

“You guys don’t have cribs in your realm?” 

“Yeah but they were like boxes essentially. Or at least mine was. I’m sure Steven had gold porcelain or some shit.”

“No.”, Steve chuckled as he took the wrong part from his partner’s hand and handed him the correct one. “I had a regular little wooden thing with soft blankets.”

“I wish I could see what you two were like as kids.”

Since they left Maeve, they weren’t able to snap memories into your head like they were before. It hurt them more than you because you always seemed curious about them and they wished they could show you everything from their point of view, not Henry’s or Mirage’s. 

“How much did Mirage show you?”

“She showed me big events more than anything. Steve always looking for his parents especially your mom. She did play sword fight with you once and you looked so happy until your dad yelled at her for ‘ruining your training’.” You rolled your eyes as Steve pet your head and sighed. “Eddie, I did see what your uncle told me about with your mom singing to you.” The demon’s glow receded in his eyes as he glanced your way with a small smile. 

“Until my father told her to shut up?”

Tilting forward, you crawled over his work to kiss his lips making his smile widen as he caressed your face. 

“What about your parents, honey?”

“Both my parents were amazing. My dad always loved to make us laugh. He liked being a girl dad and my mom exploited that.”, you giggle. “She would make him wear tutus while I would do his makeup and they both would dance.”

A tear left your eyes and both demons promptly gave you their attention. 

“I’m sorry you guys don’t have your parents here. You both deserve better.”

“Baby, it’s ok—”

“Eddie it’s not okay.”

“Will you let me finish?”, he jokes. “It’s ok because I had my mom and I had Wayne. Then as I got older I got my other family. Steven, Robin, Chrissy, and even Dustin. Now, sweetheart, I have you two and Ellis. I couldn’t be happier.”

“I agree. I’m thankful for the memories I do have with my mom but the kids I trained and beings I fought with…that was my family. I’m so excited to see what’s in store for us, you know. See what Ellis is going to do with his life.”

You smiled as you kissed their lips before you wince and lean away. 

“Ow. Little butthead is kicking my side.”

“Hey, kid.”, Eddie teases as he tilts towards your tummy. “Why don’t you stop hurting your mother and come help me make your torture technic of a crib.”

###############

8 months Pregnant

You, Steve, and Eddie walked into the house you three had been in so many times these last few months except now it was completely empty. All the furniture and everything was completely absent as you entered the living room full of people.

“Ellis?”

Everyone in the room moved out of the way to where Eddie’s mom was hugging her grandson to her chest as he sobbed. 

“I don wanna go!”

“You have to, baby. Your mommy and daddies need you now. They’ve been waiting so long to see you.”

“Mom?”, Eddie asked as he stepped towards her. “What’s going on?”

She softly smiled as she handed him to your father who spun him around as he chuckled but your son just buried his face further in his neck. 

“Come on, little guy. Your parents have made you an awesome bedroom and knowing my daughter she’s going to show you so many amazing things.”

The little boy shook his head as your dad kissed his temple before handing him to your mom. 

“Steven, remember, you once told me that everything would be ok and you were right. I’ve watched you both take care of my baby and I assure you, you both are going to be more than ok. You are going to be amazing parents.”

He beamed at him as he wrapped his arms around the demon and pulled him in for a hug. 

Your mother grinned as she reached out to touch your face as you started to cry. 

“I’m scared to do this without you.”, you whisper. 

Your parent’s smiles widen as she kisses her grandson and places him in your arms. 

“We’re not going anywhere. We’re always right here.”, she soothes as she points to Ellis’s forehead. “Right behind that door, honey.”

“I love you.”, you son coos as each grandparent reciprocates his affection. 

As both your demons come to your side, you look down to no longer see a toddler but a newborn baby wiggling in your arms. Steve gently pets his head as Eddie reaches for his tiny hand that immediately clings to his finger. 

All of your eyes shoot open but yours is followed by a grunt as you place your hands on your stomach. 

“Fuck! I think…”

They don’t waste any time as they collect you and your things before rushing towards the hospital. 

***

“How long are they going to keep him back there?”, Eddie growled as he held your hand.

“Calm down. Y/N said this was normal. They need to clean him, check his vitals, and all that.”

“Yeah, but Steven, what if something comes up in those vitals that frightens a human.”

The other demon’s eyes flash red in warning in his direction as a low rumble leaves his chest. 

“Maybe we should have had him in your realm.”, you respond groggily as your heavy eyes shift their way. 

“Baby, don’t let Edward scare you, ok? He’s fine. He’s got more human in him right now than anything. Dustin said he would grow into his demon parts.”

“He also said we’re the first couple ever to do this so…”

“Edward Munson, I swear—“, Steve’s anger was cut short when the door to your hospital room opened and a nurse casually sauntered in.

“Hey Munson-Harrington family.”, she smiles. “We have little Ellis here fast asleep and everything looks good. Mommy, how are you feeling?”

“Like I gave birth.” The nurse laughs at your joke as your demons roll their eyes. “I’m alright. A bit exhausted.”

“Yeah, that’s normal, sweetheart. Good news is your baby is in perfect health. Would you like to meet him?” Your eyes fully open as you sit up, smiling softly when she places him in your arms.  “I’ll come check on you three in a bit.”

Tears start to fall as you fully take him in. Right now, he seemed like a completely normal child with soft skin and just a sliver of brown hair poking out of his blue beanie. 

“Hey, honey. You’re so handsome. I’m your mommy.”, you coo in a whisper as you kiss his forehead. “Oh my god, he smells so good.”, you laugh as you look their way. 

Eddie was the first to step forward, sitting beside you on the bed as he caressed his son’s chubby little cheek with his finger. 

“Holy shit. He’s so soft.”, he breathes. “You’re perfect, kid.”

Steve finally takes a seat as well and reaches out to feel his tiny hand. 

“He’s warm to. Is that normal?” When you nod, he almost breathes a sigh of relief. “Ellis, we’re your daddies. You ARE perfect, oh my god.”

The baby squirms a bit in your hold giving them pause before pulling away. 

“I think that was his way of saying thank you.”, you smile. 

###########

3 Weeks Old

“Fascinating.”, Dustin muses as he rocks Ellis in his arms while swaying around the living room. “He really does look just like a little human with the soft skin and everything. Nothing has stood out?”

“Can you stop analyzing our baby and just enjoy him?”, Eddie snaps as he sighs. 

“No, nothing.”, you giggle, answering his question. “And so far he seems to eat but not as much as normal babies.”

“How so?”

“Babies are supposed to eat every two hours; we’ve been feeding him every six. I was worried at first but we just took him the doctor and she said he was healthy. When I tried to give him a bottle every two he would cry and push at my hands.”

“Interesting. That has to be hard, Y/N. Him not being able to verbally tell you things like that. I hated when my kids cried in general but you…you still have that whole trial and error thing going.”

Glancing towards your demons, Eddie had fallen asleep with his head nestled in Steve’s lap on the couch who was already napping when Dustin arrived. 

“It is. I appreciate everything you’ve done for us though and I know they do to. I’ve been keeping a record like you suggested should this ever happen for anyone else.”

“Good.” When he notices your gaze shift again, he takes a seat on the floor beside you and lays Ellis on the blanket between you both. “Everything ok with you three?”

“Yeah, I’m just a little worried. They were both already so protective over me and now that he’s here… Steve’s been having nightmares. He pretends he doesn’t but I hear him groaning in his sleep and feel him wake up. I asked him the other night if he still has access to my dreams and he said he can’t find the door anymore.”

A tear fell down your check as Dustin reached out to comfort you. 

“As I’m sure you’ve noticed, Eddie’s attitude has been a lot shorter lately. He’s exhausted and worried about the three of us. He triple checks everything to the point that I find him asleep on the floor by Ellis’s crib because he’s too tired to make it back to our bed and would just rather be closer to his son just in case.”

“What about you? Besides the worry I mean.”

“I know I’m probably being paranoid but sometimes I feel like we’re being watched. It may just be because of our dynamic. I know not everyone is excepting like the new friends we’ve made but no one has said anything… I don’t know. Just…mom brain maybe.”

“Hm, maybe. Keep an eye on that. From what you’ve told me, you’re always pretty intuitive. Wouldn’t want to miss something you know?”

#########

5 Weeks Old

“Oh my god, Y/N, look at him.”, Lisa coos at Ellis as she holds him in her arms. 

“Are you alright, Steve? You look like you haven’t slept.”, Shawn chuckles. 

“Yeah, I’m doing alright. Just…little guy keeping me up.”, he forces a smile. 

Your friends were having a get together for veterans and their families and since Steve worked at the center you suggested you three should go and be seen. Truthfully, you thought it would be good for them both to get out of the house as well as having him specifically spend some time with his new veteran friends to talk about anything that may be weighing on his mind causing his nightmares.

As the night wore on you noticed their soft grins return to their faces as he and Eddie mingled with the people around them. They radiated warmth as they talked about their son and everything he had done with his short little life so far.

“Have you guys started baby proofing yet? I swear when my daughter started crawling it was like she knew which areas were the bad ones!”

“Oh no, not yet. He did smile at Y/N the other day. Ellis has a beautiful little grin.”, Steve boasts.

“At that age usually it’s just reflexive. They see you guys smiling so…”

“Isn’t that all babies though? Like that’s how they learn?”, Eddie genuinely asks as the dads around him laugh. 

“Yeah but who knows some babies are different! You may just have an extremely happy baby who couldn’t wait to show you guys how much he loves being here.”

Time passed and a few of the guests left, leaving the main few that you had really gotten to know. You all sat in the living room while Eddie patted his son’s back as Ellis slept soundly. Steve tenderly petted the baby’s head as you beamed at them from your place in the chair across from them. 

“So how has everything else been going?”, Thomas asks as he chugs back some of the beer in his bottle. 

“Everything has been good, man. Just focusing on them, ya know?”

“Yeah, I understand. When my son was born, that first night I checked on him every hour on the hour. Then for some reason I kept checking on my wife. I knew our son needed us both and I kept thinking ‘What if something happened to either of us?’”

“I can understand that. I, uh, before Y/N and Steve, I lost a lot of people I loved and there was nothing I could do. Now that Ellis is here…it would kill me if anything ever happened to him.”

“Do you have nightmares about it? About losing them?”

“I don’t but Stevie here does.”, Eddie answers causing Steve to toss a glare his way. 

“I do but it’s fine. It’s not a big deal.”

“I had them to. Sometimes I would dream they were on the battlefield I fought in. I would run to them but I could never quite reach them.”, Thomas sighs at the memory. “What do you dream about?”

“It’s fine really.”

You’re not sure if anyone else heard but you and Eddie did as the demon’s voice fluctuated to his real one for a split second.

“Steven…”

“It’s ok, Y/N. Like I said, I get it. If you talk about it, it gives it validity right? You’d hate to manifest something like that into existence. Someone killing Y/N and your son.”

Steve’s eyes closed as his head ticked to the side. 

“Ok, Tom, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I’m putting my foot down. You’re going to push him too far and he’s already got enough on his mind.”, Eddie defended rising to his feet and handing you the baby. 

“Ah, you’re the enabler I imagine. You allow him to shelter his feelings so he doesn’t have to deal with them.”

“You’re damn right I do. You humans have no idea what we’ve been through!”

“Interesting word choice. Is that how you separate people from your experiences?”

“Come on, guys, let’s head home.” As the long-haired demon grabbed his boyfriend’s arm, he remained frozen in place. Kneeling in front of him, he cupped his face in his hands. “Steven, it’s ok alright. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. Let’s go home and get some sleep, huh?”

When the demon finally opened his eyes, Eddie’s widen in fear; he knew this look all too well. As subtly as he could, he got to his feet and towards the front door with you trailing after him. 

“Steven—”

Once the wind of the outside hit your faces, he expanded his wings, cutting you off as he vanished into the air.

***

“Edward, baby, are you ok?”

Eddie nodded from his place on the floor next Ellis who was sleeping soundly beside him. After laying down as well, he softly smiles your way as he continues caressing the baby’s open hand. 

“DO I enable him, Y/N?”

“Eddie…”

“I just…we went through so much… Every day I had to watch the man I love breakdown. Even when we were out, summoners never treated us with any kind of respect. They knew we wouldn’t be there for long. In our realm, he was hero and with one choice, he was banished and imprisoned…because of me.”

“No, Eddie. Everything you two went through was because of Henry. He killed Chrissy and framed you. Jason didn’t give Steve much of a choice. He was going to disobey orders and hurt you.”

“I always tried to make it up to him… I tried not to show my feelings, pretending I didn’t care we were trapped. Pretending I wasn’t scared and just as angry as he was. I’ve done that my whole life, Y/N. When my mom got sick, I did everything I could to make her laugh so she wouldn’t see how devastated I was. Every time my father came home upset, I acted like I was tough but I was fucking terrified, baby. I was so scared.”

A tear fell from his eye and your immediately wiped it away with your thumb.

“When he fled, I was afraid for my uncle. I didn’t even think twice when I signed up but I was positive I wouldn’t last a month out there on the battlefield. Steven and Robin helped me become a better fighter. With Chris I pretended to be more together than I was. She had enough on her plate at the time and I wanted her to feel safe.”

“It seems like that’s why you pretend, Eddie, so the people you love feel safe.”

Sitting up, he started to cry harder and you immediately crawled to him, curling up in his lap as you held him in your arms. 

The sound you recognized as a portal opening grabbed both your attention as you called Steve’s name.

“Hey, no, sorry. It’s just me. I have him here though.”, Robin answered as she came around the corner with the demon leaning half-conscious around her shoulders. “My girlfriend sent me a message saying he was there at the bar. He had been babbling about how human drinks aren’t strong enough and something about you two and Ellis.”

After leading her to the bedroom, she gently placed Steve onto the mattress. When Eddie entered the room, she smiled when she saw your son’s wide eyes looking back at her.

“He woke up.”, the demon announced as Ellis yawned to emphasis his point. 

“You need to let your parents get some rest, booger.”, Robin coos as she pokes his nose making him smile. 

“Some of our friends said for human babies around this time smiles like that are a reflex.”

“Yeah but he’s not entirely human and that beautiful, drool filled grin didn’t seem reflexive.”, she responded. “It seems like he can handle the demon skin since he’s letting us touch him.”

“Yeah, I think that’s the potion.”, you nod as you reach out to tickle the baby’s chin. “Thank you for bringing Steve back, Robin.”

Softly smiling, she leans down to kiss your forehead.

“Seriously, you and Ellis are so soft—”

“Ay yi, ma’am. This human is ours.”, Eddie playfully scolds as he swats his hand in her direction. 

***

Loud banging and clinking echoes behind the door you’re looking at as smoke occasionally slips through the seams. Taking a long exhale, you reach for the handle but someone tapping your shoulder startles you as you turn and smack the person’s face. 

“Ow! Jesus woman. How many times are you going to pop me?!”, Eddie whines as he rubs his cheek. 

“Edward, how did you—”

“I don’t know. I’ve been looking for the door for months. Maybe you finally calmed me down enough to know what I’m looking for.” Nodding, you kiss his lips. “So what’s the plan?”

“I think…this is Steve’s door. I don’t know. I’ve been trying to access his dreams but I haven’t been able to.”

Holding your hand, he carefully turns the knob and you both step through. Glancing down at his attire, Eddie realizes he’s suddenly in his old battle armor and you both are on the battlefield they fought on all those centuries ago. 

“Why am I not in armor?”

“I mean, you weren’t there, baby.”

“What the fuck are you two doing here?!”, Steve’s father shrieks above you as he lands on his feet. “Leave. NOW. My son needs to learn his lesson.”

“YOU’VE been giving him his nightmares?”, you growl.

“Not exactly. He started having them on his own but I’ve been fueling them.”

Shifting your gaze behind him, you both watch as Steve slaughters enemy after enemy, panting as he slowly tires himself out.

“Steven! Do better! You think these fuckers are going to show mercy on your son?! You have to do what I taught you to get the truth!”

Eddie gripped Bill’s throat and angrily threw him to the ground. 

“You made your hell his hell, you fucking asshole. He told me all about you and everything you did to him. You ruined his life enough! Leave him be.”

“Please. He’s doing this to himself. He’s worried about you two peasants and that thing. I’m making him better. Stronger.”

Grabbing a sword from the ground, you lift the handle and point the other end towards his throat. 

“You heard him. Leave Steven alone or else I swear to God, Bill, I will find a way myself to keep you in hell.”

Growling under his breath, he tried to stand but you and Eddie forced him back down with your weapons. Huffing he suddenly disappeared as well as every other solider that had fallen around the other demon. 

“Ed-Edward?”, Steve panted heavily when you noticed you both there. “Y/N? What are you…? It doesn’t matter. We need to get to Ellis or else Henry’s going to kill him. We have to—”

“Baby, look at me.”, Eddie tried to soothe as he cupped his cheeks in his hands. “You’re dreaming ok? Henry is gone and Ellis is in his crib fast asleep.”

“N-No. No? I can hear him. I can hear him crying! Can’t you hear that?!”

“Steven—”

“NO!”, the demon growls loudly as he shoves the man he loves hard backwards. “Who are you?! You’re not Edward. Y-You’re…You’re trying to trick me. Are you Mirage? Did Henry and his dad hire you to stop me?!”

“Steven…”, Eddie cried with worry as he threw the sword he was holding to the ground and held up his hands. “Sweetheart, please, it’s me. I promise. I would never hurt you like that. I would never keep you from our son.”

As he tried to step forward, the other demon shoved him to the ground.

“I-I-I need to get to my son.”, Steve sobbed as his voice cracked. “I know you’re not Eddie. Tell me where he is.”

When he didn’t answer, he pulled back and pushed his weapon downward. 

The sound of your grunt filled their ears as your eyes met Steve’s wide glassy ones. When you both looked down, blood drenched his sword where it had pushed through your stomach and around your back. 

“Baby?”

Looking up at him again, you smiled through the pain as blood dripped from your lips. 

“Why…why does it hurt?”

The three of you opened your eyes at the same time as you sat up clutching your stomach. Lifting up your shirt, there was no wound but it felt so real. You could still feel the stinging pain lingering on your skin. 

Eddie’s head slowly turned meeting Steve’s still shocked expression as is mouth hung open in shock. 

“I—”

The long-haired demon’s growl cut him off as his eyes glowed bright red. 

“Take us to another realm that we can fucking damage NOW.” You didn’t say anything as Steve rose to his feet with his head hung preparing a portal for them to go through. “Stay here.”

Coming around the bed, he waited for the other demon to finish as you peeked into the world they’d be going to. It was completely baron with nothing but white as far as the eye can see. 

“Fitting.”, Eddie responded in anger as he and the other demon walked inside. 

As the portal began to close, you quickly got up and jumped through right as it disappeared. 

You knew Eddie may be mad but after what happened this wasn’t something you were going to let them handle alone. 

##############

@tlclick73 @tiannamortis @steeldaisies @goodhappyfriday @paleidiot @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes

@strangerthings64 @howlingco @eddiesguitarskills

@prettypeachsworld @nailbatanddungeon @notlempet

[0xeff]

A call for help (again).

I'll start with a preface. I hate making these kinds of posts. I know that there are some of you who are getting quite sick of seeing them, and believe me when I say I'm sick of writing them.

This past month, my income has been severely limited due to factors in my employer's life. To the point where I've not made much, and can't afford my portion of the rent. Nor a present for my mother's birthday.

I've attempted other avenues this month for income. I've searched for jobs in my area of expertise, and I've been ghosted and denied at nearly every turn. I've applied for Ontario Works, and got denied due to the fact that I'm living with my mother, who is on Disability and my grandmother, who is on Old Age Pension. I'm appealing this decision, naturally, because I think that it's bullshit. This appeal however, will not go through before my rent is due.

I've put forward an application for ODSP, my province's disability support program. I have a very decent chance of getting accepted eventually, due to my severe ADHD and various symptoms of Autism that impact my daily life, and make it supremely difficult for me to hold down a stable job. I only managed to get my ADHD meds yesterday, I've been off of them for most of this month due to budget constraints. While I'm reasonably sure I'll be accepted, the process is still long and arduous.

I'm a very private person, as many of you may already know. I don't like talking about what's going on in my life even among many of my close friends. I struggle a lot to write these words now, asking for help time and time again. I know it will get better, and I have to hold on to that hope that it will, but I do need support. I want to be able to repay the kindness of this community. I want to be able to do what I am passionate about, and that's making cool things for all of you, who've been such an important and positive part of my life. This community is, well and truly, my hyperfixation.

If you can at all spare something, or share my plight to those who can, I would appreciate it greatly. I always do, and the support you've all given me so far has been nothing short of life-changing. I'm trying my hardest to do right by all of you, despite my issues.

In other news, dev stream later today (On the MxRP Official Discord Server). I don't know an exact time yet, or what specifically I'll be working on, but I'll definitely be doing something.

[deadpool15]

Mommy Duties P.2

"Hola mi amigos, it's your girl Cassie. And today is a very special day. And before you hit me with the omg, she is finally having the baby comments. No, this thickass baby isn't coming until like 2 months from now. Anyways, today will be a pool day. So, I'm sure everyone knows that last time I visited Bada on set, and while I was there, Mina and some of the staff suggested I come to their little pool break. Now, it will be a bit difficult because, well, you know who isn't ready yet. Obviously, Corey is a toddler and feels the need to make everything difficult."

Cassie says dramatically while walking around the house, trying to gather all of Corey's things. Realizing, i forgot to pack his diapers, which is the most important thing. I laugh at the camera, looking around my room before sitting on to my bed, trying to figure out where the hell I put those diapers. "I swear I had them last night yall, shit just be disappearing in this house." I look down on the floor and see the diapers sitting right there still in the pack, turning around looking at the camera with a guilty smile on my face. "We just gonna edit that out, I don't need yall knowing my pregnancy brain be fucking with me ok. And while we are on the topic of kids, I just wanna let yall know how I raise mine is how we meaning me and my wife choose to raise our son. I've gotten comments saying all this and that while questioning my methods. Like first of all, I do say I will hit him sometimes when he does shit but I always just yell. I mean, I don't put my hands on him. I grey up with Dominican parents yall trust me I know what the fuck I'm doing. Second, aren't Asian parents known for giving their kids childhood trauma? How about yall ask yall kids why they are so afraid yo fail and depressed before you come at me. Thank you."

Now, after that moment, I managed to get Corey ready. "I got him ready off camera mainly because he was being a bit fussy. It's slightly earlier than when I usually wake him up, so bear with my baby yall." I state after grabbing all the items, including my son, who is currently in the process of going to sleep. Thank God for that. Hopefully, he will wake up with a lot of energy when we get there and get worn out. Carrying everything to my car with a sleeping baby and being pregnant, call me superwoman at this point. I unlock the car door and place everything inside, making sure that Corey is all tucked in before I start driving. I make my way towards the front of the car and sit down, getting ready to go. "Yall, be sitting there saying our heights are so funny to look at compared to Bada. Like, yall simply don't know the struggle. Every time I get in this vehicle, I have to adjust the seat before I drive. Like who can drive from all the way back here. The steering wheel is in Korea, and the drivers seat is in Japan. That's a time difference here, people. Anyways, I'm gonna be doing a little Q&A to keep yall preoccupied. So, yall don't have to focus on my side profile."

Luffy57-When did you and Bada decide to have kids?

Monsterhigh99-Why do you always call them Bada's kids, aren't they just technically yours?

I read the first two questions, trying to gather all the information before I start up the car so I won't have to keep looking down or anywhere else but the road while driving. "OK, to be honest, I didn't want kids like at all. I'm not saying you are supposed to like count kids out if you are with a woman. But me personally, I didn't want any. I just could never see myself as a mother, I didn't want to. But, I met Bada, and life kinda changed. Now, ywll don't go thinking just because you meet people, your perspective will automatically change. Bada didn't change my decision, I did. I envisioned a different life for myself. After doing some thinking, I decided." I said while looking at the camera for a split second and looking back at the road. Until we reached a red light. And I glance at Corey. "He always knocked out in the car."

I sit there for a while, thinking about food, to be honest. Then I remember the second question, and the light turns green, causing us to go back on the road again. "Right, my bad yall. So, wait, what was the question again? Ooo, right, so I obviously call them her kids because they are. I mean, we are both raising them, so it shouldn't matter about the little details. Second, technically, Corey is literally her son. He looks like both of us. Bada wanted to be more involved in the process when we decided that I would be the first runner-up to have the baby. She volunteered, even though she was scared too. But here, career was just taking off, and I refused to have her waste time when she was finally getting recognized. So, she offered to give me some of her eggs and stuff like that, and yea shit happens."

I look up and see the building, realizing we made it. I call Bada to help with stuff. Because I no longer feel like carrying all this shit anymore.

Myocean💖-Hello baby

Mywife💞-You mind introducing yourself to the exit to come help me carry all this stuff.

Myocean💖-And by stuff, do you mean our child and his things?

Mywife💞-Yes, before I randomly decide to make today not your day, if you keep sweet talking me Ms. Lee

Myocean💖-Whatever you say, baby. I'm on my way, Mrs. Lee

I hand up the phone smiling. "That's my baby yall." I giggle all girly like, and then I see Bada smiling at me through the window. "Omg, what is wrong with you? Couldn't you have told me you were here, out here scaring me." She opens the car door before looking me up and down, "and ruin your little moment. Nah, baby, I wouldn't do that. Are you wearing a top under that ?" I look down at my pink bathing suit top before looking up at her. "Baby, this is the top. I mean, it literally has long sleeves and stuff." She stares at me while poking her tongue on the inside of her cheek. She only does that when she is made or annoyed. "Now, would it happen to have long sleeves because you are trying to make for that fact that you happen to me wearing a thong under that skirt?" I just kiss her check telling her how much I love her.

After some minor issues with Bada, we finally make it into the building, with her carrying Corey, who, by the way, had finally woken up and chosen his favorite to spend the day with as always. "Crazy, how you hold a lid for 9 months only for them to come out picking the other as their favorite. I'm basically just a storage closet." She laughs at my remarks and kisses the corner of my lips, causing a whine to leave my lips. "Behave." I listen for the moment. We make our way inside, and I see all the girls playing in the water. I almost forgot that tsubakill members were eliminated. Then I see Mina running up to me. "Omg, you made it. I thought you weren't gonna come. Almost had to beg Bada to get you here." I turn around and look at Bada while hugging Mina.

"Of course, I made it. I mean, who would miss a free pool day." We chuckle at each other before she grabs my hand, and I turn to look a Bada seeing her motion towards Bebe. Letting me know where they will be. "I just thought with Corey and everything you would be busy, you know," she says while sitting us down, making sure to place a cushion under me. I nod as a sign of thanks. "I mean, he was eager to come when I told him this morning, though I think he completely forgot. He was only focused on the fact that I was waking him up early." We laugh together, and soon the whole crew of DeepnDap comes over, greeting me. Though, since I mainly know Mina, I stick with her throughout the day. We talk for what feels like hours. She gets a bit touchy after seeing her with her members. I notice that's just how she is. I can't help but feel a certain stare on me, knowing who it is I excuse myself.

I walk over to the table, grabbing something to drink. Until I hear breathing behind me, startling me. I turn and find Bada looking at me with a smirk on her face. "You scared the shit out of me, baby. Don't do that." She completely disregards my statement. "You and Mina seem to be getting along quite well, don't you think?" I grab my chest startled by her walking up on me. "Bada what the fuck, my heart can't take all that, and I don't know what you're talking about." Ofc I knew what she was talking about I just liked to fuck with her. How evil of me, right? "Well, whether you choose to know or not, you're off the market. I stare up at her now that she has gotten closer. "Is that so?" "Yes it is so. Because the moment I put that ring on your finger, actually fuck that the moment I looked at you, you were off the market. And now that you're carrying our baby, it just makes it better. Now tell her to back off before I have to do a repeat last night." I shyly turned to face the table again, making myself busy. "I don't know what you're talking about last night wasn't all that good." "O, really?"

Flashback

For the night, Bada's parents agreed to watch Corey. Saying they missed their grandchild, but I think it was simply for our alone time. Considering they winked at me while picking up Corey's toys. Bada's mom even told me to be careful and pointed to my stomach. But now that was long forgotten, well, at least by me. As I'm laid on all fours, completely at the mercy of Bada, with her constantly slamming her strap into me. "F-fuck... slow down...m. mmm." She leaned down and locked a bold strip of my neck, "really, I thought I wasn't moving fast enough. Now it's slow down. You just don't know what the fuck you want, huh? Just a greedy little whore." As she says that last word she makes sure to push in harder making me see stars. I didn't know whether I wanted her to go faster or slow down anymore. It all felt too good. The only thing anyone could her in or outside of the room was skin claps on skin claps. And of course, me screaming for my fucking life. "Just needed this can't filled, that all you ever need, huh? Just me." I can't register what she is saying anymore. "Y-yes fill it upp."

End Flashback

Bada is sitting there reminding me of everything that happened last night. "OK, ok, I'm sorry, I remember shit." I tell her, hoping she will stop embarrassing me before she drags me to the nearest bathroom. "Bada, we can't do that here. What about everyone? And Corey?" I ask already in fear and slight excitement of what she is doing. "Corey is sleeping." She states while turning me around, shoving me into the sink, though making sure not to hurt my stomach. She is always cautious about that. "And everyone else should mind their business and now their place. Which is not with my wife, much like Mina, correct?" I simply nod as she pulls down my thong bottoms and immediately shoves a finger in my pussy. "I fucked how many times last night and you're still fucking tight. So I have to fuck you open again, huh princess?" I look at her though the mirror before looking down in embarrassment.

"Look at the mirror right fucking now." I hurry and look up and make eye contact with her as she places another finger inside and rubs my clit hard. "Answer me, you know I don't like repeating myself. Remember your manners." I start to answer or try to, as all that comes out is a much of bullshit. "Y-yes please fuck me open. J-just f-uck me so good, Bada." She nods her head, getting down on her knees, causing me to grab her shoulders to stop her. "But-", she kisses my lips, shutting me up for the time being. "No more, talking baby, just let me eat, ok."

*request by @vachieve

[infinitelyprecious]

"About last night"

It's a 3 minute conversation and there is SO MUCH happening. There are so many details in body language, facial expressions and tone. Amazing amazing job done by Jimmy and Sea omg. I'm singing their highest praises. I wanted to write something about it, and this turned into a written portrayal plus some added thoughts. To relive the scene, but in a slightly different way.

Mhok enters the car and Day's eyes nervously flicker. A parallel to the first scene of this episode. The tension can be cut with a knife, but this time they're going to talk.

In unison they open up the topic and Day takes it away: "I've thought about it." As he's talking we see the tension in Mhok's chest, his eyes wide open, fixated on Day. A second later he releases his breath and shoulders and smiles. All soft he goes: "I've thought about it too."

Day shuts his eyes and squints his face. Knowing what he wants to say but finding it difficult to. Ofcourse, because what are the implications of this?

Mhok is his caregiver and though Day doesn't return Mhok's feelings, he doesn't want to lose him. He likes Mhok, trusts him like he does no other person and all of that is on the line now.

How is Mhok going to react to the rejection, can they move forward and still be the same they always were or does he need to start looking for a new caregiver? That's a lot of insecurities right there.

And he blurts it out: "I'm sorry Phi, but you are not my type." The tension still in his face after he said it. A deep breath out, a swallow, his eyes blinking rapidly. How is Mhok going to react?

And Mhok, Mhok needs a moment to process. This hurts. He bites his lip, his brows furrowed. But his face softens as he nods and accepts the rejection: "I figured."

The tension is still palpable as Mhok looks at Day and says: "I just wanted you to know how I feel about you." Day's eyes go back and forth, processing what Mhok said. And then the question follows. "Did you think we could be the same if I knew it?"

Again, Mhok needs a moment. What is the best thing to say here? This must mean that Day is uncomfortable and doesn't want him around anymore, right? Just like everyone else, right?

And he makes a decision: "Okay, I'll quit."

Not asking Day what he wants, but assuming he's not wanted around anymore. Like so many times before.

"Don't worry about it Day." An attempt to make Day feel comfortable, assuring him it's okay.

But this isn't what Day wanted. And Day is quick to let Mhok now. Firmly he says: "Hey. Though I don't have feelings for you, I still want to have you here..." and his voice trails off "...na." Once again choosing Mhok, keeping him by his side.

Mhok blinks, his face full of confusion as he looks at Day and smiles with disbelief and hope: "What do you mean?"

"I mean as my caretaker", Day stutters, quick to not let Mhok assume anything else. Mhok now turns his body toward Day, listening and watching intently. And Day continues: "If you can just act the same, I won't have a problem with that." His voice trails off again: "I guess."

More processing for Mhok. His eyes move back and forth, a finger pressed against his upper lip. "So... if I can do that, I'll get to continue taking care of you." Now using his finger to accentuate his words. "Right?"

"Right, but...", Day puts down a boundary, "if you cross the line and hit on me, you're fired." Instant smile on Mhok's face. And he laughs, relieved. "I get it now, sir."

"I'm serious." Day says. Needing to make sure Mhork really understands. "Yeah, I know", Mhok replies, still with a smile on his face. The relief visible in his entire body.

After this Mhok buckles Day up and there's some more details to be seen, but the part that really got me was the whole convo previous to it, so I'm going to leave it at this.

Mhok is happy and back to his teasing self. He continues to tease Day and find the exact boundaries throughout the rest of the episode and I love that. There certainly have been signs of Day's attraction to Mhok and I think Mhok realized there still was a chance but was also careful not to push too far.

I love them, I adore them. I adore this show in it's entirety.

[tswaney17]

I Do Bad Things with You - Part 44

This part fought me at every corner, but I said screw it. Let's post and move on. 😅 It's crazy to think there are only 5 more parts left and an epilogue. The end of an era is arriving soon. I'm excited though, to have this one finished because I've got a lot of other goodies in the works right now. Stay tuned!

My fanfic account: @tswaney17fics​​​

My ao3 account: tswaney17

Please let me know what you think about this update. I love getting your feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome. 💕

Catch up here.

Credit to @featherymalignancy for Cassian’s nickname, Cash. 😘

Trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault , language, NSFW

Word Count: 5,852

It had been a month since the car accident and their family found out about the pregnancy. The first week after the wreck had been rough, always worrying over whether she would eventually start bleeding as a late-term consequence of the crash. Azriel, her blessed husband, was doing everything in his power to keep her calm.

But she didn’t. Not a speck of blood.

Elain thanked every god for the safety of her babies knowing she wouldn’t have survived losing them.  

She and Az hadn’t discussed any further on his retaliation tactics, hoping that he would drop the whole issue. Escalating right now when they were about halfway through her pregnancy didn’t seem like the best idea.

Elain did trust Azriel’s decisions, even if she didn’t necessarily agree with them.

A sigh escaped her lips and she rubbed her palm over her more prominent belly. She was beginning to round out now, rather than just looking like an oversized, carb-based pudge. Her scrubs were starting to get tight and it was only a matter of time before she had to invest in a larger size. At least in the top. The bottoms still had some stretch available.

“Doctor Archeron,” her boss called and she whirled around to face him. “We have an incoming pediatric patient who needs a surgical consult. Are you up to being my second?”

Pediatric surgeries didn’t come often, so when they did, he always made sure she had the opportunity to assist—especially since she was the Attending and would be taking these cases on with the team of residents here soon.

She was already moving to his side. “I’m in.” With her nausea and dizzy spells, Elain had to cut back on some of her surgical procedures, unable to give her best results to the patient. She was sure it was the combination of the stress and the constant standing that always had her head feeling woozy. So, she took what she could, and then made rounds for surgical consults in the pit. Having built a strong bond with the residents, they were always eager and willing to grab her a snack or craving when she needed it, even when she profusely told them they did not need to do so. But Elain had to admit, it was nice when they did, and she made sure to reward them with her knowledge and expertise when handling difficult cases.

They slid open the glass door where the young patient was held and she stopped in her tracks. The little boy couldn’t have been more than four years old, with dark hair that brushed over the tops of his ears, and golden-brown skin. His eyes flashed when they entered revealing a green and golden gaze.

Elain recognized his heritage immediately.

He was Illyrian. Like Azriel.

She also read the fear plastered on his face, in his movements as he cradled his broken arm to his chest. Large tears littered along his lower lash line; something inside of her cracked at that desperate look.

“Hello, Kaden,” Thesan said in a kind voice, lowering the iPad to his side and looking directly at the boy. “We’re going to help take care of that arm for you.” He took a step forward and Kaden flinched, crying out softly as the movement tugged on his injury.

Her boss stopped his approach; a level of uncertainty crept into his gaze as he glanced at her for assistance.

Elain cleared her throat, capturing the boy’s attention. She moved the rolling stool closer to his bedside and slowly sat down on it, making sure he watched her every move. “Hi, Kaden,” she spoke in a soft voice. “My name is Elain.” She shuffled slightly closer, relieved when he didn’t balk at her approach. In fact, it almost seemed like his eyes flicked down to her swollen stomach before returning to her face. “I see that your arm is hurt. Would you mind if I took a closer look?” Elain held out her hand, letting it lie on his bed palm up in a calm, welcoming gesture.

When he hesitated, she added, “You’re safe here, sweetheart. We won’t hurt you.” She wasn’t sure why she said it, but something in her gut told her that it wasn’t just strangers he was afraid of. It was people altogether. And that concerned her, more so than just from a physician’s standpoint.

Finally, he moved his arm over to her, those tears falling down his cheeks as he whimpered in pain.

“I know, baby. I know. You’re doing so well,” she cooed, gently examining the injury between her fingers. From the disfiguration, it was obvious that it was a transverse complete fracture, the radius and the ulna having stacked on top of each other, and somehow not penetrating through his skin.

Elain sat wondering how the hell this child had such a severe injury, and it was then she noticed the scar on his other arm from a different, extensive wound. She frowned, glancing up at Thesan through her lashes. “Without a proper x-ray, I can’t be definitive on how extensive the damage is, but I’m certain he’ll need this surgically repaired.

The other doctor crossed his arms.

Kaden flinched.

Her mouth parted. Because that wasn’t just a flinch of fear. It was a flinch of abuse. Elain had no doubt in her mind about his home life. A lump swelled in her throat at the thought of it, and she watched as Thesan slowly lowered his arms to appear less intimidating toward the young boy.

Without thinking, she reached up to trace the pads of her fingers across his temple, sweeping his hair back before brushing away the tears that still stained his cheeks. Elain released a breath she wasn’t aware she had been holding when he didn’t shy away from her touch. “I’m going to put your arm in a brace to hold it still until we can fix it, okay?”

He didn’t speak, didn’t even shake his head to indicate that he understood her, but he watched her, those green and gold-speckled eyes wary, but curious too.

She slid the stool back, reached into one of the drawers on the moveable cabinet, and grabbed what she needed. Getting him into the brace was a whole thing on its own. He cried and screamed as she tried to be as gentle as she could, and every sound he made felt like a knife in her chest. “I know, sweetie. I know. But this will help, I promise,” she murmured, trying to calm him.

His pain broke her heart. Shattered it into a million pieces. Because no child deserves to suffer like that.

Once she finally got him strapped in, Elain released his arm but didn’t step back. No, she couldn’t leave him in this state. Instead, she brushed more tears away with her thumb, cupping his cheek in comfort. It was completely out of line in that patient-doctor relationship, but frankly, she didn’t give a damn. Elain wouldn’t leave him like this—refused to. So, she gave him the gentleness of her touch, the security she knew he didn’t receive from his parents, wherever the fuck they might be.

“Elain,” Thesan said, catching her gaze. “Can we speak in the hall?”

She nodded, swiping her thumb over his cheek one last time. “We’ll be back, Kaden,” she murmured, resisting the urge to kiss the top of his head. Those damn hormones were really getting to her.

He slid the door shut behind them, turning to face her. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

She knew he didn’t mean her actions. “The severity of his fracture looks like it came from a large fall. Maybe down a staircase. Did you notice the scar on his other arm?”

“I did,” Thesan told her, eyes going hard. It wasn’t a look she saw on him often, but child abuse cases were always difficult. “It looked like something that required stitching but didn’t receive it. It’s too harsh to have been healed properly.”

She grunted in agreement. “I don’t think we’ll be able to get an x-ray from him. Not when he’s this terrified. I know he needs surgery without it, but maybe we can grab an x-ray after we put him under?” Her boss nodded his head in a way that said he was on the same wavelength as her. “Where are his parents? How did he get brought in here?”

“I’m about to go find out from Viviane. Hopefully she or one of the other nurses can give us more detail.”

“I’ll reach out to social services and see if I can get our social worker from child protective services down here quickly. I suspect child abuse and we’re going to need somebody to sign off on his surgery,” Elain said, already pulling her phone from the front of her scrubs.

He reached out and squeezed her shoulder. “You did good in there, Elain. He wouldn’t have let me get near him, but you connected with him.” He paused, eyes flicking between hers. “It was that maternal instinct coming out. I could see it in how you handled him—comforted him. Excellent work.”

She couldn’t stop the blush from rising to her cheeks. “Thank you, Thesan.”

Gripping her once more, he strode away, heading for the nurses’ station to speak with them about their patient.

Elain glanced back over her shoulder at the child in the room behind her, his body curled up on his side as best as he could with his arm braced. His little hand fisted the sheets, eyes having drifted close. Her heart hammered in her chest. What else could he have been through that they didn’t know? Scrolling through the phone, she tapped on the name of their CPS contact.

It rang twice before she picked up. “Hey,” Elain said quietly. “I need you at the hospital. Now.”

A pause before she said. “Give me fifteen minutes,” and hung up.

She stared through that glass door, lips pulling down into a sad frown. Something drew her toward him, and Elain was determined to figure out why.

~~~

Elain was waiting for the CPS worker at the front of the nurses’ station. She and Thesan had a quick convo where he informed her of everything they knew about their patient, which turned out, wasn’t a whole lot. He had been sent over from the hospital in Illyria, not having a pediatric surgeon on hand to help him. Technically, she and Thesan also weren’t pediatric surgeons, but they’d been trained in those patients to be able to provide him the care he needed.

Her attention snagged on the tall woman walking into the building, her pace quick and determined.

Elain met her halfway. “Emerie,” she murmured, shaking her hand. “Thanks for coming so quickly.”

“You sounded urgent on the phone.”

They strode through the hospital to the elevators. “It is. My patient’s name is Kaden. He has a transverse complete fracture that requires surgery.”

Emerie flicked her thick, dark plait of hair over her shoulder. “Parents won’t sign off on it?”

“Parents aren’t here,” Elain said, pressing the button for floor three to take them to the pediatrics department. “His neighbor called it in when she got home from the grocery store. Told the EMTs that she heard his screams and just called for help.”

“How old is he?”

The doors slid open and they stepped out of the elevator. “Just over four.” She directed them toward his door. “There’s something else,” she started, looking over at the boy in question. “He won’t speak and seems very intimidated by people. Fearful of them. I suspect he’s a victim of child abuse. I was barely able to get the brace on him, so we haven’t attempted an x-ray yet.”

Emerie pursed her lips in contemplation. “What’s your plan?”

“We want to do the x-ray while he’s under. It’s obvious he will need his facture repaired surgically, but we won’t get a clear picture of the damage until we get him prepped.”

She nodded. “I can get on board with that after I try and talk with him of course.” Emerie looked in at the child lying on the bed. “You said he’s just over four?” she asked.

“Yes. His chart shows his birthday was a few months ago.”

Those dark eyes found hers. “He looks awfully small for a four-year-old.”

Elain’s heart ached in her chest. “Yes, we were thinking he appeared a bit malnourished.”

“Do me a favor. When you get him in for x-rays, get some of his body. I want to see if any previous injuries can sanction the abuse.”

Elain’s chin dipped in confirmation as she grabbed the handle of the door and slid it open. “Hello, Kaden,” she said, voice softening. “I’ve brought a friend who wants to talk with you.”

His head turned to look over at them, eyes going straight to Emerie. He shuffled on the bed, curling into himself.

She shared a glance with Elain before moving forward, cautiously. “Hello, Kaden. My name is Emerie. I’m here to help you.”

He blinked at her, not unfurling from his fetal-like position.

Emerie frowned, returning her attention to her. “Do you think he might be deaf?”

Elain’s brows shot into her hairline. She hadn’t thought that at all. “He seems like he can hear us, but let me see,” she said, turning to sign can you hear me at the little boy.

No response.

She shook her head. “I don’t think he’s deaf. Just mute.”

The social worker’s mouth turned down further. “I’ll sign off on the surgery. I can see the injury from here. Has anyone tried to contact his parents?”

“There’s a number for a father, but it’s been disconnected. I can give you his file to see if there’s anything you can pull from it.” Emerie gripped her arm in thanks, moving to sit down on the rolling stool that she sat upon earlier. “I’m going to call up to the OR to get a room prepped. A nurse will be in with the forms to sign in a bit.”

She gave Kaden a small smile, hoping it would bring one to his face, but he just stared at her, little hands fisting the bedsheets. Elain felt an undeniable pull toward the child. A deep-seated need to help him—care for him. She just needed to figure out how.

~~~

Four remodeled fractures.

Elain sat in the chair next to Kaden’s bed as she looked through the X-rays they took of him. She pulled out four, severe remodeled fractures—now five with the one they just repaired. How the fuck did a child of four have five fractures in his lifetime already?

Anger, unlike anything she’d ever experienced before burned inside of her like a volcano readying to erupt. It was obvious that this boy had experienced such tremendous pain and horrors in his young life. She couldn’t help but compare him to her husband, born into cruelty. Abused and neglected. Left to fend for himself.

It left a dangerous spot in her heart. One where she wasn’t sure if she could untangle him from.

The door slid open and Emerie popped in, her dark eyes glancing toward the sleeping child. “How’d it go?” she whispered. Getting him under had taken some work. The anesthesiologist ordered him to be held down so he could put the mask on his crying face when she entered.

“Do not hold him down,” Elain had growled, storming into the operating room after having scrubbed down. The surgical nurses seemed to back up at the look on her face. Even the two residents assigned to the surgery hesitated. She’d moved to his side, fingers stroking his soft cheek. “Hi, sweet boy,” she murmured, voice softening. “I’m going to fix your arm now, but you need to go to sleep first. You don’t want to be awake for this.” Her thumb made a gentle caress back and forth on his face. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

She made quick work wiping his tears away, humming under her breath a simple lullaby. Elain waited until he was calm, silver-lined eyes drying as his eyelids slowly lowered without her even using the gas on him. She knew he was likely exhausted, having gone hours without much sleep. The constant crying would’ve drained him too. So, only when he finally shut his eyes, did she take the mask from the anesthesiologist and place it over his face.

The door clicking shut behind Emerie pulled her from her memory. “Getting him under was rough, but I managed to get it done.” She held out the X-rays for her. “He’s had four other fractures that I found. Two hairline ones on his third and fourth ribs, one to his left femur, and one…” her words trailed off, unable to spit out the location of that last injury.

Emerie took a seat on the stool, facing her. “Where was the last one, Elain?”

She took a ragged breath. “On the back of his skull.”

“Any ideas on how he got it?”

Elain sat back in the chair she’d brought in. “Looks like he might’ve collided with something. Probably pushed backward and fell into a table or something similar.”

“They were set properly, though?”

She nodded. “Yes, the last one looks to be about a year old now. The others are about two.” Elain frowned. “The first four were cared for, but this time he was left alone to deal with it. What changed?” she wondered more to herself than anything, but it appeared the social worker had the answer.

Emerie handed her another file. “His mother died. It wasn’t in his medical report, but I had some people do a little digging and found the name of his birth parents. Lorenzo and Anastasia Salazar.” Her lips turned down in the corner. “Reviewing everything you’ve given me and the reports I’ve pulled, I’d theorize the abuse came from the father and when he left, the mother took him to seek medical attention off books.”

“Off books?” Elain asked, brows furrowing.

“There’s nothing in his medical history about the abuse. No flags have ever been attached to his profile in the system. So, either they paid off whatever doctor they used, or they had somebody private doing at-home calls.”

Like Azriel’s personal medical team…She was careful to keep her face neutral, but Elain had a feeling that Lorenzo was a part of some gang, if not the Illyrian Mob itself. Sighing, she looked back at the sleeping boy, her heart racing in her chest.

“Should I be looking into other options for him aside from foster care?” Emerie asked carefully, eyes flicking down to her pregnant stomach and then back up.

Elain’s dark gaze met hers. “I don’t know,” she said earnestly.

The social worker seemed to understand. “Tell you what. I’ll prepare both options for you and then you can decide what you want to do after you talk to your husband.”

Something inside her chest unlocked at her words.

A groggy sigh caught their attention and they twisted to see Kaden’s eyes fluttering open. His small whimper had Elain moving, sitting on the edge of his bed to run her fingers through his dark hair.

“Hello, sweetheart,” she murmured.

He looked at her with large, hazel, and green eyes before curling into her side, cuddling close to her.

It took all of Elain’s willpower to not sob in elation that he felt comfortable with her now. How long had he gone without love or affection that he would cling to a near stranger who showed him any sort of warmth?

Emerie smiled, rising from her chair. “I’m going to go start handling some paperwork. Call me if you need anything in the meantime or if anything changes.”

She waved her off, resituating herself on his bed as she gave herself a few more seconds of snuggling this precious boy.

~~~~~

Azriel knew something was bothering Elain the moment she stepped through the elevator door. He could read it on her face, in the half-assed smile she shot him. In the way she picked at the food on her dinner plate.

It frustrated him that when he asked her about work, knowing something was wrong, she lied to his face and said it was fine. It wasn’t fine. Nothing about the way his wife was acting was fine. He just wished she would tell him what it was.

“You need to eat, El,” he tried, keeping his voice soft.

She pushed her plate back. “I’m not hungry.”

He tried not to get irritated—he knew Elain was carrying a lot on her plate with her job and the pregnancy. But he was done with her not being honest with him. Azriel sighed, setting his utensils down on his plate with a clank. “All right. I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

Her dark eyes glanced at him, before returning to stare at her meal. “It’s nothing.”

“Bullshit, Elain. I can tell something is wrong without you even having to say it. It’s written as clear as day on your face. I am your husband. You’re supposed to confide in me. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s the matter.”

Az expected her to relent. To sigh, eyes rolling to the sky and finally tell him everything. What he didn’t expect was for her to burst into tears.

Her face fell into the cradle of her palms as a heart-wrenching sob tore from her throat.

For a moment, he froze, blind-sighted by the sudden emotion. And then the panic swept in. He was out of his seat a second later, moving around the edge of the table to pull her chair back and kneeling in front of her seat. “Hey,” he murmured, rubbing his hands on her thighs. “I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He kissed her kneecap, squeezing her legs gently to show her he was there for her.

Elain sniffed, running the back of her hand under her nose. “You didn’t upset me.”

His brows furrowed in confusion. “Then what did, love?”

She let out a shaky breath, hands falling into her lap. He took one in his, gripping it tightly. “I had a patient today with a fractured arm that we had to surgically repair. He was only four, and was brought in alone—no father and the mother died last year.” Elain sniffed again. “I found four other remodeled fractures on him from over the last two years. One of them was on the back of his skull.”

Azriel had a feeling about where this was leading. “Abuse?” he asked, voice carefully soft.

Elain nodded. “It would appear so.” She wet her lips, finally meeting his gaze. “Az, he looks like you. He could be your son.”

His eyes widened, unsure of where she was going but he had a hunch.

“I picked out his Illyrian heritage easily enough, but his circumstances, the way he’s been brutalized…they all remind me of you. Of your past.”

He couldn’t argue with her. Just hearing about the pain that had been inflicted on him reminded Az of his childhood. In how his father and half-brothers tortured him. It took an effort to not glance down at his scarred hands, a physical reminder of the trauma he’d endured. “What’s going to happen to him?”

“I’ve been in touch with Child Protective Services and he will likely go into the foster care system. But, looking at what’s been done to him, in the fact that he refuses to talk, and is terrified of adults, I’m concerned he won’t even be considered for adoption…” She let the words hang there, hoping he’d pick up on the unspoken ones she hadn’t yet said out loud but was hinting toward.

Az cocked his head to the side. “You want to adopt him.” It wasn’t a question—it didn’t need to be one. He could see Elain’s every desire as if it were written on her forehead. She had fallen in love with that child.

She dipped her head in confirmation, lower lip trapped between her teeth.

He squeezed her fingers again, thinking over his next few questions. “Love, I need to ask you something, and I want you to promise me you won’t get upset with me for it. Because I think this question needs to be asked.”

Her tongue darted along her lip, but she nodded for him to continue.

“Could the desire to adopt him have anything to do with your pregnancy? I know you have a lot of hormones running through you right now, and your maternal side is going to be very potent. This isn’t just because of that, right? You truly want him?”

Elain was already shaking her head. “No, it’s not that. He was brought to me for a reason, Az. I can feel it in my gut.” Her small hand cradled her stomach in emphasis.

He kissed her knuckles. “And it’s not because he reminds you of me?” He needed to hear her say it. That she wasn’t trying to save this child because of the similarities, but because she truly wanted to take on another kid.

“I’ve never been one for higher powers, but there’s something about Kaden that has completely unraveled me. He fears people but he trusts me. I know, deep in my heart, he was brought to my hospital because I could give him the life he deserves. That we could offer him something better and love him so fully, he’ll never remember a time where he suffered.” Elain wiped the tear from under her lashes. “He is supposed to be our son, Az. I just know it down to my bones.”

It was a lot to consider. She was halfway through her pregnancy with twins and adopting a third child right now would be insane. But he knew they could do it—that they had the means and the love to give to three children. People might call them mad, but looking at her, he had never seen such determination in her eyes and he could feel it buzzing under his skin. “All right,” he said, squeezing her hand again. “I’ll come to the hospital tomorrow afternoon to meet him.”

Elain’s brown eyes brightened like rays of sunshine. “Really? You mean that?”

“If he’s important to you, then he’s important to me, love. That’s the only thing that matters.” And he meant it too. Azriel would lay the stars at her feet if she asked for them.

More tears ran down her cheeks as she slid off her chair and threw her arms around his neck. He held her close, one hand cupping the back of her head, fingers threading through her hair, and the other running lines up and down her spine.

“Thank you, Az,” she cried, dampening the skin of his throat.

He hushed her sobs, pulling back to hold her cheeks in his palms. “I love you, Elain. All of you. And I would give you anything your heart desires.” His words had her crying in earnest, enough so that it took him a while to calm her down.

Thoroughly exhausted, Azriel carried his pregnant wife up the stairs and put her to bed; a hum of excitement stirring in his chest at what was to come.

~~~

Azriel pulled into a parking spot outside of the hospital at exactly three o’clock. His heart was racing in his chest like he’d just run a marathon, his gut swirling with anxiety. Elain had told him that the boy—Kaden, he reminded himself—was fearful of adults. In particular, males.

What if he didn’t like him? If he was scared of him? The questions had been daunting him all day and if he was being honest with himself, he was worried. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to form a connection with this child. That he’d only bond with Elain and would resent Az’s presence.

It was fucking irrational, he knew that. But still, the thoughts invaded his mind and refused to let go.

He pulled out his phone and checked the messages from Elain.

Third floor, children’s ICU.

He’s been exceptionally clingy to me today.

Az smiled down at his phone at the second message, picturing the little boy snuggled into his wife’s side when she visited him. Which, was every chance she got.

Taking a deep breath, he climbed out of the vehicle and headed to the front entrance.

The Moonbeam twins had taken up residence in the lobby and spotted him immediately, rising from their seats to greet him.

“Mr. Knight,” Fenrys spoke. “Is everything all right?” he asked, looking over his shoulder into the emergency room concerned.

“Everything is fine. I’m just meeting Elain for an appointment.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either. They had decided to forgo telling anyone about the potential adoption until much further into the process, not wanting anyone to try and talk them out of it.

“Of course,” Connall said, stepping aside. “We won’t keep you waiting.”

He offered them a quirk of his lips before heading for the elevator, but he stopped on his way, spying the hospital gift shop. In particular, the stuffed teddy bear in the window. With a glance over his shoulders to make sure nobody had spotted him, he turned into the shop and plucked the bear out of the window display, taking it to the cashier.

A few minutes later, he was riding up to floor three, the soft, plush toy in his grip. Az tugged on the knot of his tie, loosening it around his neck. His hazel eyes spotted Elain across the floor, sitting on the edge of a bed. Her mouth was moving, but she was behind a closed door so he couldn’t hear what she was saying.

Like a moth to a flame, he moved toward her, his heart hammering in his chest as he approached the glass slider and knocked.

Elain’s head snapped up, the most radiant smile pulling on her lips as she beckoned him in with a wave of her hand. Fuck, she was so gorgeous. Even made more radiant by the pregnancy as she entered into the second-trimester glow.

Azriel slid the door open, catching the end of her sentence.

“—someone I’d like for you to meet.”

Her fingers threaded through a dark mop of hair, and he finally let his eyes roam over the small child clinging to her waist.

“Kaden, this is my husband, Azriel. Azriel,” she said, gaze flicking to his with a soft smile. “This is Kaden.”

He looked at the young boy, meeting his stare and offering him a calming smile. “Hello, Kaden. It’s nice to meet you.”

Not a sound. Nothing from him other than turning to bury his face further into Elain’s side.

His heart broke, but Azriel was nothing if not determined, placing the teddy bear on the bed against the railing.

Elain grinned at him, thumb rubbing over Kaden’s cheek. “Did you see what Azriel brought you?” she murmured.

A green eye, flecked with gold peeked out from Elain’s waist, glancing at the plush toy but he didn’t reach for it.

Az sat down on the rolling stool, sliding over to the opposite side of the bed as his wife.

“We were just reading a story,” she announced, handing him the book. “How about Azriel finishes for me?” she murmured, brushing Kaden’s dark hair away from his face. “How does that sound?”

He thumbed open the book, going to the page she indicated they left off on. Clearing his throat, he began to read, using the inflections of his voice to aid him in his efforts to make it engaging. Kaden didn’t move away from his wife the entire time he spoke, but he did eventually turn his head to watch him.

Azriel took in the child in his peripheral, seeing the resemblance of himself. He could see why she had claimed he could’ve been his son. Bearing nearly his identical coloring and many similar markers of his Illyrian heritage, Kaden could easily be mistaken as his biological child.

And yet, it was obvious that Kaden was terrified of him.

He sat there for an hour, reading with him, trying to converse with him, and nothing. Azriel felt like a failure. Rising from his seat, he bid the boy farewell, shooting his wife a sad smile.

“I’ll walk you out,” she told them, ruffling Kaden’s hair before following him out of the room.

“He hates me,” he groaned, stopping in his tracks and scrubbing the heels of his palms over his eyes.

Elain moved to stand in front of him. “He does not hate you, Azriel. He’s just intimidated by you—”

“How is that better?”

She ran a hand up his bicep to grip him around the back of his neck. “You can make yourself less intimidating, Az. You in a suit is a force to be reckoned with, and frankly, I have a feeling his father wore similar attire.”

His brows furrowed. “What makes you say that?”

Her thumb traced over his jaw. “The woman who found him refused to give the paramedics her name. They said she looked terrified to even be talking to them. He’s Illyrian, Az…” her voice trailed off, leading him to the answer.

“You think his father is in the Illyrian Mob.” Not a question but a statement of fact.

“Lorenzo Salazar,” Elain confirmed.

The name didn’t immediately register anything in his brain, but he had something to go off of now. Azriel would look into him, find every single detail about the man’s life, and then decide if he deserved to die for the pain and suffering he put his son through.

“Come back tomorrow in jeans and a plain shirt and I’m sure it will help,” Elain told him, bringing his attention back to her face. Her eyes glanced over his shoulder to the boy in the room, a smile tugging on her lips. “Az,” she whispered, nodding toward the room behind them.

Something warm flared in his chest as he turned, and saw Kaden clutching the teddy bear he brought tightly to his body.

Elain stepped up to his side. “If he was afraid of you, Azriel, he would not be touching that toy. You connected with him, even if you can’t physically see it, but you did.”

A sense of awe washed over him, followed by an overwhelming urge to love and protect that boy. He wasn’t sure how long they stood staring at his sleeping form until he breathed, “I want him, El…I want him to be a part of our family.”

Her soft hand slipped into his, fingers lacing. “So, let’s bring him home.”

With joy and love, they stood watching the boy who would one day soon become their son.

~~~~~

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[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

SLUMBER PARTY

Pairing: Nesta Archeron x Velaris!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, mdni, femxfem, cun*ilingus, hurt&comfort, jealous Nesta, will admit MC is kind of clueless just for sake of story, first story I've done for Nesta's character, might be slight OOC, got a little carried away xDD, I honestly wouldn't mind Nesta dominating me

Words: 5051

Summary: Nesta can’t help the poison that fumed inside of her as she watched (y/n) interacting with every male in Rita’s that sought after the female’s affections.

Nesta didn't mind going out for a drink or two. Hell, it was her favorite thing to do. Or at least it used to be before she moved into the House of Wind. Right now she would very much appreciate a strong fermented nectar. But she had to keep her wits with her. She couldn't enjoy the numbing of the head that drinking brought on.

No, she had the responsibility of watching over you.

Who else would stop you from making a bad decision? If it wasn't for Nesta, more men would be harrassing her for a dance or any scrap of attention they could get from her.

There were two in particular that Nesta had her guarding eye on. And they just had to be the best friends of the night court's high lord. Even if she wanted to rip their linger hands off, she couldn't. There would be a terrible price to pay for that treason. Not that Nesta didn't debate the cost. She was starting to seriously devise a plan on how to get Cassian and Azriel away from you as you blindly giggle and lean against them for support. Azriel wasn't bothered as you bob against him in a drunken haze. He wraps an arm around her shoulders to assist her in standing upright. A few times he tries to coax the young fae to sit down but you weren't having it. To be the only one sitting would be admitting defeat. You'd boasted how you'd be able to drink them under the table. Bragged of your high tolerance (though to be fair, you were already about three drinks in before they arrived) you challenged them. Now your pride would most definitely be injured.

You were a stubborn thing.

It was something that Nesta loved and hated about you.

Cassian dips his head down to whisper something in your ear that has Nesta already making her way across the bar. That was too close for comfort.

Whatever he said made the pointed tips of your ears glow pink. You'd liked what he said and even flutter your lashes at him with your own reply.

"Uh-oh, here comes mama bear." Azriel chuckles at the approaching figure of Nesta that radiated with hostility. He can't take his arm off from you, otherwise you would completely fall into Cassian and make Nesta angrier.

You blink to refocus your sight and turn to where Azriel had gestured his head. Maybe it was all the drinks you had consumed in a short amount of time, but there was something about an angry Nesta that turned you on a little bit. Her eyes were always the lightest of blues but when enraged they intensified into an almost ethereal glow.They reflect the fury inside of her. The cerulean hue seem to dance with an electric energy. You also saw vulnerability in her. A raw authenticity that spoke to the depths of her soul.

"Nes!" The stupid grin you usually had on your face when drunk grew larger.

The spikes around her soften when you address her. Nesta reigns herself in. "(y/n), I think it's time we go home."

You frown at this. "But Az and Cass just got here!"

Ah. It was going to be one of those nights where she would have to be the bad guy and tear you away from having a good time.

Thankfully even Cassian seems to urge you toward Nesta. "She's right. Best to call it a night."

Azriel nods. "Get some rest and drink lots of water."

Annoyed by their sensibility, you grumble and call them a few choice words that only has them laughing as you follow Nesta out. She held your hand, making sure you didn't get lost or fall. Putting one foot in front of the other proved to be difficult in your state. Suppose it served you right for getting so drunk.

The cold Velaris night air is soothing against your warm face. Nesta has you close to her as she slows down for your sake.

"Don't look at me like that." You grumble when you feel her eyes on you.

"You overdid it. Look at you, you can barely walk." Nesta chides.

Hm, funny considering she had been just like you several months ago. Having drink after drink to numb your mind, anything to keep the agony at bay.

You don't give her a reply. Now you make more of an effort to walk by yourself and try to shrug her hand away with a quiet 'i'm fine'.

Your apartment building was coming up anyway and you wouldn't need her assistance from there.

She treated you like a child. You were young for a fae, but in worth of years you were far older than Nesta.

Putting distance between yourself and Nesta caused your unwanted companion to retract her hand as if she'd been burned. Hurt flickers briefly in her eyes but this is soon frozen over into an expression of calm acceptance.

You fish your small brass key out of your pocket and hold it up to the building entrance. Nesta still lingered close behind you. "Thank you for seeing me home, but I've got it from here."

In reply she skeptically purses her pretty pink lips, unwilling to let you go in alone. "I need to make sure you make it up the stairs."

"Nes-"

Her sharp eyes square off against you. "I won't chance you getting hurt. So deal with it."

Bossy. Were all first borns like this? You yourself were an only child and didn't have to deal with pesky siblings, either older or younger.

You knew she wouldn't relent. With a pout on your own face you give in and move so she can walk through the building's front door and help you up two flights of stairs until you were at your apartment door. Your fingers choose to play dumb as they struggle to get ahold of the suddenly slippery key.

Nesta takes your key ring from you and easily finds the one that matches your door's lock. Gently she pushes you aside so she could open the door.

After a long day it was good to be home.

When Nesta was drowning in her own alcoholism, her apartment had been sparse and unfurnished save for a lonely mattress on the floor. No, your apartment was truly your home. You fitted it with the finest tapestries and rugs along with little trinkets that tell the story of your life. You especially like your balcony garden that looks out to the sea of roofs under the beautiful Velaris sky.

Your bedroom is too far away so you settle for throwing yourself on your couch and immediately grab your comfy blanket that you liked to roll yourself in. Vaguely you hear Nesta in the background, most likely in the kitchen.

She sits next to you and offers a tall glass of water. "Drink this."

"I'm not thirsty." If anything you might have to pee soon.

"I'm not cleaning up your vomit again, (y/n)." she hisses. Tough love was definitely Nesta's display of affection. She only acted to tersely with you because of her worry for your wellbeing. She'd seen how violent your hangovers could be. Each time she was forced to nurse you back to relative health you didn't hear the end of it from her. She chastised you along with making sure to show how much of an inconvenience it was for her. She hated missing her valkyrie training. Her move to the House of Wind had been against her will in the beginning. Now she seemed to actually be enjoying it. Not only did she have training to keep her occupied, but also the massive library that lay underneath. Friends were even a staple in her life now. You'd met Gwyn and Emerie. They tried to get you into training too and while you partially entertained the idea, Nesta didn't want you anywhere near the training grounds. She didn't want you getting hurt. That excuse made Emerie roll her eyes and Gwyn laughed at Nesta's painfully obvious protective nature of you. She didn't seem too inclined to treat them like she treated you.

"I'm not your responsibility." You slur and sit up. "You know that right? Before I met you I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I may not know how to fight like you but I can still protect myself if the need arises."

Conflict storms her face, her lips part to say something but she couldn't will her words to come out. Instead she huffs and puts the glass of water on the coffee table. Without anything to occupy her hands, you notice Nesta anxiously toying with her fingers. "I know that." For Nesta, it was near impossible to admit her feelings. A few times you were able to crack into her to see glimpses of the Nesta she hid from the rest of the world. She guarded herself well. But you could tell when something was bothering her.

When you went out drinking (and with the hopes of finding someone to bring back for a quick fuck) you acknowledged the way Nesta glared at anyone who showed interest in you. And when you went off to flirt, there was a brief flash of hurt before she put up her wall. Not for the first time, you wonder if Nesta had deeper feelings for you. Maybe you were reading too much into things and fooling yourself. It would explain her protectiveness toward you.

For the first time in several hours, her eyes turn vulnerable as she looks at the floor. If you still weren't upset with her, you'd most likely be kicking yourself for making her look so sad. "I can't. . . I can't help it. You let those lesser men touch you with their grubby paws. It upsets me greatly." This was all new territory for Nesta but for you she was trying to be open about her true feelings instead of hiding behind her mask of indifference. These moments were so rare and you tried not to blink. In your drunken haze, you sober up slightly and lean into Nesta. At your nearness, you feel her body stiffen but once she accommodates to your close presence she relaxes. She still doesn't look at you but you don't mind.

Tongue loose from your drinking made you vocally question her. "Why do you think that is?"

She huffs impatiently at herself and by the ticking of her jaw you know she's fighting to get the words out.

Thoroughly making up her mind, Nesta lets out a short sigh and finally turns up her blue-gray eyes. How could anyone be so effortlessly breathtaking? Nesta never put on makeup as it was never needed. You'd heard from Feyre that when Nesta went into the Cauldron, she'd already been quite beautiful as a human. But as a high fae her good looks were almost terrifying. Her personality aided in enhancing her austereness. Many were intimidated by her. Even the general himself would admit he would not want to be Nesta's enemy. Especially now that she's been training and getting stronger.

You were never intimidated by Nesta. Not even when you were first introduced to her. Your first impression of her was one where you felt like you were struck by an invisible arrow. She had such an heir of authority around her, forbidding any from getting close to her.

There's a hunger in her eyes as she looks at you now. Her long, black lashes cast shadows over her eyes before she brings her hand to your face. Fingers trail along the line of your jaw, coming to rest on your chin as you stare dumbly at her. You didn't breathe, not even a little bit as the pad of her thumb runs across your plump bottom lip. The trail she'd made from your jaw to your chin burned as did your bottom lip.

"I can please you far better than they ever could." She says finally.

The heat from your face is making your head swim and for a moment you worry that you were actually going to pass out. "You. . ." Nesta had been with plenty before. You wouldn't be her first. But you'd never heard her talk about any sexual experiences with females. She'd only ever bedded males. Yet she was confident in herself that even without any experience with females she'd be able to give you pleasure.

And you didn't doubt that she could, especially if the way you were feeling from just a little touching indicated to how willing your body was toward her. And it would be a lie if you said you'd never had any weird dreams of you and Nesta making out or getting into some real heavy petting. They'd only ever been dreams though with no possibility of becoming real. You never imagined Nesta to be into females, let alone you.

That one word you were able to get out was enough for Nesta to give into her desire and stamp your mouth with a searing kiss. She tasted sweet, so sweet that you wouldn't mind suffocating in the taste of her lips. You never wanted her to stop kissing you. She was all the oxygen you required. Her touches would be enough to keep you sustained for days. You feel yourself becoming drunk all over again, just off of Nesta. She definitely kissed better than any man you'd tasted before. Her lips were definitely softer although her kiss was on the more passionate side. Her kiss held the power of whatever she had stolen from the Cauldron. When she pulls away you're admittedly left delirious.

You're pleased to see that even Nesta's cheeks are radiantly pink as were her newly pointed fae ears. Even she trembled from the intensity of finally giving into her month's long desire. You desire to know how long she'd thought about doing that to you. Or was it simply a spur of the moment thing?

She touches her fingers to her lips, as if to replay the whole thing and reassure what had happened was real.

In seconds she has your lips captured once more, leaning into you with her lean body. She's like a wild cat now that she has grown more confident. You let her do what she wished with you. Falling into her grabby hands that held onto your hips and falling in love with the way she moaned against your mouth. You drank it up greedily and tentative bravery had you placing your own hands on her hips. She freezes but only for a millisecond before continuing with her experimental groping.

Mother above, Nesta's waist was so slim yet her ass was well worked and possessed plenty of muscle mass from her exertions with the rest of the valkyrie. You give it a good squeeze and nearly climax from the guttural sound that is ripped from the female above you. That was all you wanted to hear, morning, noon and night you wanted to hear more of Nesta's moans that were made because of YOU. Your hands scramble for the under curve of her ass cheeks and do the same but while also pressing her closer to you. Slightly she starts to grind against you making you go crazier for her contact. There was a morbid moment where you wanted her to take a bite of your flesh, to get as close to her as was possible.

It's you this time who breaks away from the kiss to throw your head back and moan. She takes this opportunity to rip the front of your dress, her new strength even startles her when it proved to be an easy task. With the action, she frees your tits and by instinct her mouth latches onto your breast. How was it that she made you feel like you were on fire? Like your very veins were melting and your blood as searing as lava. You wanted to combust and Nesta hadn't really touched the part of you that you wanted her to. Her lips make a trail of sharp kisses and nips from your breasts, down your torso until she reaches the extra tender skin of your pelvis. The hair from her immaculate bun is coming loose causing locks of her hair to come free and bounce around her face.

A bad decision on your part for daring to open your eyes and look at her face. No man had ever looked at you the way Nesta did. If she wanted to break you, you would absolutely let her. At that point you would let her do anything to you as long as she kept kissing you with that scorching gaze of her's.

And still she continued her journey further down.

You were a gaping idiot at that point when her nose nuzzles the base of your pubis.

At this Nesta frowns and you're worried that it's something to do with you when she professes "I've. . . never actually done this." That must have taken all of Nesta's courage to utter.

"M-Me neither. I. . . It's okay." You offer her the upward curve of your lips. You move a few of her hair strands away from her face so you could truly admire her. Her skin was smooth like cream and just as silky when your palm strokes her cheek.

Oh.

Your words were like a hammer to a piece of glass. Her face, you'd never seen her quite that naked in her emotions. You felt it from just that simple caress.

Nesta gathers control of herself once more but her smile is beautiful when she kisses the soft inside of your thigh.

Never had you been more grateful to regularly keeping yourself trimmed down there than in that moment. She dives in with her tongue, the eagerness makes you jolt but soon you melt back into your couch cushions. At first her licks are tentative with the tip of her tongue, but once she got a taste of you, you were a goner.

You squeal and arch your back off of the couch. The vibrations of her groans shake you to the core. Using the flat of her tongue she tongues broad laps with her wet muscle. You bit back any noise that would have come flying out. If it had slipped out it would have been absolutely obscene. The urge to buck your hips is a frantic one but Nesta has a controlling hand pressed down on your pelvis to prevent you from moving. You were stuck in her web and at her mercy. Had she really never been with a female before? From the way she was eating you out you found that hard to believe. Even the males who had gone down on you had never made you a sobbing mess in mere minutes. Yet that's where you were right now. Whimpering and crying out to Nesta especially when her lips find your clit and she begins to suckle at it. She took your small bead, rolling her tongue around it occasional before she started sucking again. Now she'd involved her fingers as they prod at your wet opening. Her finger sinks into you with ease.

Nesta is lost in her own little world. She's determined to fill all of her senses with you. To immerse hers hearing with the sound of your moans and the wet noises she made with her mouth on your cunt. All she wanted to touch was your hot skin under her. All she wanted to see was you keening against her every caress. Your lewd blush that spread from your chest and all the way to your face lets Nesta know that you're about ready to explode from her ministrations. Squirming thighs that suddenly seize and quake around her head has her licking and fingering you more furiously. She read each of your cues perfectly. If she sensed that you wanted her to speed up, she did so or if you wanted more intensity, she stuck another slim finger inside of you and started to pump them in and out. No male she'd taken to bed had ever orgasmed as pretty as you did.

Your undoing was a work of art as the coil inside of you had strung so tightly that it snapped. A cry rips from you as the pleasure Nesta gave you drags you down into the depths of your climax. She shows no sign of slowing down even as you're gripping onto her hair and pressing her face closer to your pussy, as if that was possible. A sick part of you wants her to suffocate as well, to be just as swept up in your ecstasy. You want this moment to be the beginning and end of everything. Selfishly you think you don't ever want her to give this to anyone else. Just for you.

You rock your hips back and forth, riding out the last spasms against Nesta's face. Finally, she slows her licks and slowly retracts herself from you. You let out a disappointed whine, half afraid that she would leave now.

Heavily panting, Nesta uses the back of her arm to wipe at her glistening face. You'd made quite the mess on her and you will yourself to feel any ounce of shame. Instead you feel a funny bit of pride. Especially when her striking eyes still haven't left your face.

Now you're grateful for the glass of water she had brought you earlier. From all of your screams and moans, your throat was parched and nothing sounds better than a cold glass of water.

Nesta seemed to be thinking the same thing because she grabbed it before you could even reach over to your coffee table. She takes a long gulp first before generously handing it over to you. You chuckle. Well, she did do a lot more work than you had. She deserved the first sip.

A comfortable quiet wraps the both of you up better than any blanket could. Questions buzz incessantly through your mind but the only one to be loudly expressed was "Did I taste good?"

Your partner burst out laughing. You didn't think it warranted that loud of a laugh but you smile regardless. Any time you were able to make Nesta laugh, whether intentional or not, was a win in your books. "Could you not tell?"

The heat still hasn't left your face when you nod your head. "I...It sounded like you did."

"You were delicious." Nesta tells you seriously this time that it's you whose laughing now. She stretches her body across you languidly.

However, you flip her so now she's the one on the bottom and you on top. She looks stunned for sure as she blinks up at you with owlish eyes. You grin before kissing her.

"Well now I gotta have a taste of you." Even though you were sobering up well, you had your newfound confidence egging you on. You wanted to be the one to taste and touch.

Nesta is hesitant to let you be the one in control but complies and adjusts under you so that the both of you could still be liplocked as Nesta assists you in removing her skirt. It was a tight pencil cut that really showed off her amazing figure. Her teeth nip lovingly at your lips, the nails on her fingers rake against your bare thighs. Her proud and beautiful face all your's now to admire. This was a new side of her that you were enjoying very much. Full lips possessing small bite marks from your own excited bites.

Diving your face to her exposed neck, you bit the vulnerable skin there and she thrusts her hips in an upward motion. You lick the juncture of her neck and jaw before biting down and suctioning a small circle of skin like she had down with your clit. There will be a mark when you were finished. Possibly several by the end of the night but this would be the first of many. You pull your head up to admire your work. A lovely purple and red circle was blooming onto her peaches and cream skin.

Your fingers toy with the edge of the blouse she wore. With coy (e/c) eyes, you look down at her. "Can I?"

She smirks and nods, keeping her attention centered on your fingers as they pop open the many front buttons. When you got to the swell of her tits, you gulp suddenly finding yourself nervous. Slowly they pop each one open to reveal her mauve lace bra that holds up her well endowed breasts. You squeeze your arm under Nesta so you could unhook the back of her bra with a quick pinch. Immediately, her brassiere loosens in the front to where you could finally remove it from her being. Your hands cup under her breasts to weigh them in her hands. She had the definition of abs on her torso as she flexes due to your touch. Was her mortal body as perfect as this one? Yes, most likely.

From her heated eyes, she delighted in your gaze revering her body like a temple. And as any fervent devotee you bow before her. You worship first her thighs as she had done with you. Already you can smell her want and desire from her core, she parts her legs for easier access. You couldn't inhale her essence enough. Now that you were up close and personal with her beautifully pink pussy, you ignore her annoyed hand trying to pull your face back into her. With the softest touch, you part her lower lips to examine the glistening folds. Petting the outer lips with a feather light stroke. The muscles in her thighs have small tremors running through them. Nearly sighing at the sight, you slide your finger between her creases and grin at how wet she was. You gather her slick with your finger and use it to make small, smooth circles over her clit. All of your movements were of the barest pressure which makes her furiously buck against you for more traction. Could you be blamed for wanting to take your time in memorizing her? You didn't know what tomorrow would be like, if regret would curdle when the both of you woke up. That was if Nesta was even going to sleep over. It could be a simple one night stand where neither of you talk about it ever again. For now you'd take extra care to remember what you could.

You give her lower lips the softest of kisses that has her writhing. Nesta's fingers find your (h/c) hair and twist your locks around them for any kind of support as you were sending her mind spiraling. Nesta's past lovers probably had not been as generous as you. From what she'd shared with you, most of her illicit relations were done when she was black out drunk and didn't remember much the next day. Pleasure wasn't something she was looking for, only something to numb her brain and make her forget. You'd make up for the foolishness of males before you. Make her acknowledge that there should be no one else but you when it came to pleasuring Nesta.

Surprising her when you finally delve your tongue inside of her, Nesta's cry has you getting wet between your legs all over again.

Cauldron help you. Was this how you'd tasted to her?

Nesta was absolutely divine in taste. How was it possible for anything to taste as sweet as Nesta? No cock you had ever sucked could compare to the flavors that assault your tongue as you tongue fuck her in between kitten licks and paying attention to the swelling bead above.

Her thighs bracket either sides of your face and she clamps down on you without mercy. That was alright with you. If you died between her legs, it would be the most honorable death you could think of. Your fingers still had her wet lips pulled apart so you could fully consume her.

Breathing became inconsequential. Your lightheadedness was a ramification that prohibited you from noticing the thighs squishing your head were a seizing mess as Nesta came quite quickly, much faster than you had when she was eating you out. You didn't notice the impercetible jerks of her body as her climax ebbed and subsided.

Only when her legs slacken off to the sides and she's pulling your face up do you see her bright red face, her panting chest that made her tits move up and down. With her hand still buried in your hair, she pulls you up her body and smashes her lips into your's. Your face is still a mess from your meal but it didn't seem of concern to Nesta as she's sticking her tongue inside of your mouth. She must have tasted herself on you. It would be impossible.

Deliriously you kiss her back, still trying to get oxygen back into your brain.

Your living room is filled with your combined panting and Nesta's.

Weakly, you lay your head on her chest and her hand on your hair softens as she begins to pet it back into place. "You came really fast."

Nesta chuckles, making your head bob as she did so. "I've had little patience for males lately. It's been a while."

For neither of you having been with a female before, you'd say it was a success.

With a content sigh, you nuzzle your face between her breasts. "Well I guess that's good for me."

"Good for us." Nesta corrects before pushing herself off and out from under you.

Disappointment has your heart dropping to your stomach. Oh, you suppose since she'd had her's, it was time for her to leave.

Sullenly you sit up, ignoring the state of your undress to watch her.

Instead of putting her clothes back on and heading to the front door, she's making her leisurely way to your bedroom and casts a glance over her shoulder. "It's late. Lets go to bed." Nesta's face is uncharacteristically soft as she beckons you to follow her.

You couldn't move fast enough off the couch.

[moononmyfloor]

My Year End C-drama Review (2023)

Last year, I did two Cdrama Wrapped posts for each half of the year. This year, I watched so much stuff right away I got arrogant and was about to do a January-February summary. And then life happened and handed me my entire ass, so here we are right back on the ground zero.

Well, not exactly. I watched lots of dramas I liked this year and would like to give nods to as many as possible, and before I start forgetting details I thought I better go ahead with the entrees that I'm sure of the answers.

My initial Cdrama reviews were inspired by anniedelavoye's this post 2 years ago, I've extrapolated a lot from there but some entrees remain same.

Part 2

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1. First drama I finished in 2023

Hi Venus. Modern workplace romcom isn't my go-to-genre, least of all if the ML is a CEO. If not for the unusual-for-the-genre setup of initial few eps and the strong recommendations of my friends, I might not have pressed play at all. And I'm so glad I did because it turned out to be one of the most refreshing takes of the genre, it was funny, the pacing nor the dialogues were ever draggy, the characters were intelligent and pleasant, and down to earth. It never leaned to the tropes of helpless/badass FL or tsundere/beta ML extremes, there was no dramatic villain arcs, down to the supporting characters everyone were so reasonable and mature and simply had the nicest time ever together. Now I put it like that, it sounds boring but trust me, it wasn't. Do give it a try. Your time won't be wasted.

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2. An actor who took my breath away

Jing Boran as Lan Jue/Peizhi from The League of Nobleman

I mean

Look at him. Instant KO.

I remember watching this scene (and every scene that followed after, especially when he had his hair down) and being in disbelief about how he's real. He's literally glowing out the screen! His performance as a model scholarly minister, the way he conducted his glance, his steps, his speech and temperament were nothing but enchanting and... look, I can write poetry about him for ages lol.

And then I watched every single work I could find of him and ended up even more in love, because his resume was nothing but diverse. A measured scholar, a bubbling-out-of-his-skin social butterfly, a ballerina in a tutu, a man pregnant with the cutest radish monster ever, there's nothing he cannot play. I'm definitely going to check out every single work of him that'll be coming out in the future as well. Even if the plot fails, his character will surely be interesting.

(Also, I was FINALLY lured into DMBJ fandom thanks to going down his profile as well, and now I'm here to stay🤭)

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3. Most relatable character

Bai Moxi from Gone With the Rain

She was street-smart and sassy, but never foolhardy. She wasn't a damsel nor was overly clever. She had her moments of daydreaming, but she knew what was and wasn't reasonable. She had a high sense of self-worth, she also knew when to make herself scarce. Despite being the most outgoing and energetic personality in the room, she didn't make everything to be about herself. In fact, she couldn't have been happier to be a background supporting character of the story, quietly minding her own business in her corner. In summary, she just felt very real, and exactly like how I love my FLs. Every decision she took felt like what I'd also have done in her situation. (Btw I hope noone messages me about loving Moxi but hating her sister because I don't. I think her character also made a lot of sense based on her circumstances even though she was bit more difficult to love than Moxi.)

Most of all, she was played to a tee by Zhang Nan, the young actress was allowed to shine to her true potential in this role, as she used to be quite stereotyped in either bubbly or petty mean girl roles. The drama horribly fell apart in the latter quarter (I'd like to pretend it all ended before that Great Seperation Scene), but I'm going to remember her charaacter for a long time to come.

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4. Most inspiring character

Li Lianhua from Mysterious Lotus Casebook

The tumblr tag for MLC is already filled with Grade A+ poetry, prose and analysis dedicated to him and I'm not capable of wording it any better than them. All I can say is he really touched a vulnerable corner of my heart, and gave it strength. He's just so very admirable and represents all I ever want to be, and his entire character design and all its metaphors and philosophy especially resonate with me as a Buddhist. Like Cheng Yi said at the end of MLC concert, "At the end of the day, if you have a lotus flower in your heart that you can call your own, that's what matters."

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5. Best Couple of the Year

Lu Zhaoxi and Ye Shilan (Zeng Shunxi and Liang Jie) in Hi Venus, Zhao Jian and Yuan Zhongxin (Zhou Yutong and Zhang Xincheng) in Young Blood 2

Here are two couples who were each others' equal match in every big, small and miscellaneous ways possible. Where their roles in their partnership did not have anything to do with society-determined gender or power dynamics, not about conforming to them nor about beating them. Everything about their relationships simply had to do with what they meant to each other their admiration, respect and love towards the other person, from beginning to end. In Hi Venus, it was never uncomfortable to watch Shilan being Zhaoxi's subordinate, for he always treated her like any good superior should in any healthy professional relationship. In Young Blood 2, Zhongxin would fully trust Zhao Jian with everyone else's and his own life, not because his head was in wishful romantic clouds but because he was 100% confident in her capabilities and would never disrespect her with "girls should be protected, you stay back and let me take the sword for you" nonsense.

I may check out like 50 dramas per year and may never come by such Het pairing dynamics in some years, yknow? I do not hate on any other kind of dynamic (plus I'd have next to nothing to watch in that case lol) but, THIS... this is so rare -for me to not be icked out by not even a single second of a fictional het couple's screentime lol- hence the gushing! (Though I know I'm not doing the greatest job of phrasing what I feel😆).

Following that note, though not a couple, honorable mentions to Chufeng (Bi Wenjun) and Robin (Zhu Zhengting) from Silence of the Monster who took Sui Yi (Sun Yihan) into their home not because they thought it'd be chivalrous to help a girl, but because it's the nice thing to do as a fellow human. For continuing onto integrating her into their world with ease and enthusiasm not because any of them had feelings for her but because they simply found her a good friend to hang out with.

Suffice to say I DIG ANY relationship where gender does not come into play, like, at all (or barely, if you must).

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6. Best harem of the year

Orchid and Lotus harems (from League of Nobleman and Mysterious Lotus Casebook)

(Only sharing the pics of Orchid Harem because it was from the earlier quarter of this year, whereas pics of Lotus Harem will be everywhere in the Cdrama scene for quite a while to come lol)

The support group of devout puppies, zhijis, friends-with-benefits and all sorts of other polycule postions, all centered around one precious babygirl enigma of a man is just my jam, and I love it when it happens because it brings forth the fandom's most unhinged high-art. 😌😌😌

(ALSO ME AND WHO WHEN!😭)

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7. Best ensemble of the year

Young Blood 2, I Am Nobody

For me a perfect ensemble is where the supporting characters are just or almost nearly as engaging and thoroughly written as the main leads, you'd love every second spent on any character just as much as you love that of any other. The ultimate relaxing experience where your brain doesn't have to pick favorites and you don't have to speed watch or fast forward or be antsy about who's going to appear next because you know it's gonna be enjoyable no matter whom.

And this year, it's Young Blood 2- with its Class 7 members who were all so different but all so compelling and equally contributing to the plot, complimented by the Class 8 and the unnervingly captivating villains.

And I Am Nobody- with its extensive spread of young and old heroes/antiheroes alike, all with dramatic backstories and individual charisma that were not second to another.

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8. Favorite posters/promos of the year

Mysterious Lotus Casebook, Young Blood 2, Sunshine By My Side

Really liked what MLC did with positioning the characters on various spots of the titular Lianhua Lou, the wind-sway choices for the wisps of hair and the skirts... idk the exact angles of it all were just right for each character and their vibes and appealed to me a lot.

The blending-into-painting style poster of Young Blood was so pretty too, plus these Suoyi raincoat posters.

The comic strip posters for Sunshine were also super cute, unique and perfect for the drama's themes.

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9. Best opening credit sequence

Love You Seven Times

The drama itself was a hot mess but the opening sequence was entirely worthy of being a parallelish-universe story to Love Between Fairy and Devil without a debate. IF ONLY they put the same effort to the story itself.

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10. Favorite Prop/Set designs

A League of Nobleman- Lan Jue's Tea Pavilion, Mysterious Lotus Casebook- Lotus House

I wish I could install a fixture in my home where me and my imaginary homies can chat over tea while being seductively separated by an active stream of freshwater, while my not so elegant period-style caravan is waiting outside in the yard for more cozily cramped get-together times. 🤧

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11. Favorite lighting/color grading of the year

The Forbidden Flower, My Journey to You

The former, a kaleidoscopic explosion of colors, a celebration of fleeting life, youth, summer and nostalgia. It was a daring drama on so many fronts and nailed each of them as well, and the use of colors represented its bold soul perfectly.

The latter, a marvelous combination of mountains shrouded by mist, dark-toned wood pavilions and fur-lined robes, pale, dusty makeup with rosy lips and plump cheeks; all combined together on screen to bring a palpable ambience of a secluded glamorous hideout in a dystopian world and its ethereal residents. Seriously, how I especially loved to stare at the bride candidates in their white getups, it was like the light bounced off of the fabric to shine on their faces even more, and the skin and hair looked non-oily and baby soft. And it didn't feel over the top but convincing because the camerawork and editing conjured a believable image of an upcountry with dense and dewy forests, waterfalls and rivers, there's no sun, no heat no sweat, only cold air and pregnant humidity. OF COURSE you are going to look like THAT.

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12. A drama that taught me new things

Hi Producer

The infuriating thing about Yu Zheng's show-off genre of costume dramas is that the story may be a hit-or-miss, the "historical facts" provided in them may need to be taken with a grain of salt, but they almost always provide me with great entry points to do my own research 🥲. Most niche facts that take me by surprise and things I'd never have thought to look up on my own are randomly sprinkled all over the place and I run around like a headless chicken trying to collect them all.

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13. Most exhilarating drama/scene

Three-Body

That scene in ep 5. The entire buildup to it and the resolution. The phenomenal acting bringing forth the exact emotion and exact tension required. The moment you start to understand at least a sliver of why exactly all the characters are making this much of a fuss about what's happening to them.

I cannot spoil, not even a bit. You'd have to see for yourself.

I Am Nobody

(lol Three Body and I Am Nobody. I swear that was an unintentional coincidence!)

The great V-match between certain two characters, I can't elaborate. (See the thing about exhilarating scenes is that you have to see it for yourself what's the big deal is about lol.) I really liked how both their biggest vulnerabilities and yearnings were pulled out mercilessly in public, how they both fought themselves through each other before actualizing the philosophy of what it was all about. It was beautiful to watch visually as well.

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14. A drama location I'd love to visit

Yunnan province

I've seen glimpses of the prosperous and both naturally and culturally diverse Yunnan province through Bite of China Documentaries and Dianxi Xiaoge's vlogs, the beautiful bucolic backdrop of Meet Yourself only heightened the wish to experience it all in person.

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15. A drama that was a pleasant surprise

I Am Nobody

Perfect casting job, earnest effort from everyone involved to bring out the 2D to live action in the bestest way possible, it was like a dream come true to see a genre that was previously limited into written media like comics and fanfics (modern cultivation) as a drama even if it meant labelling all the cultivators as aliens lol

It had a lil bit of a flavor of western coming-of-age/"teen gets powers and goes on an adventure in search of their origins" stories, a bit of Japanese anime presenting style and the chaotic-gaggle-of-youth-and-veterans-with-different-extreme-powers genre vibe. And then they incorporated Chinese wuxia philosophy into it and made it their own thing. I hope to see more of this in future, and definitely a season 2!

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16. An old drama I watched in 2023

Shaolin Wendao (2017)

This is one of the best period dramas I have ever seen, but I don't recommend it unless you have a strong tolerance for angst. Like, worse than Royal Nirvana and Heroes (2022) level of angst.

HOWEVER, unlike those two, Shaolin Wendao will leave you feeling rewarded for your suffering. This drama achieved a number of things that very few other have managed to do, especially for a story with such a heavy and dark premise.

The characters remained true to their selves from beginning to the end. They grew up in various ways, at the same time remained consistent. The story made sure to make all the characters aware of their individual faults and address them.

The characters were put through immense wringer but also provided viewer with the resolution they deserved. It was SO exhilarating at times, I cried. It felt like a detox, sometimes.

They prioritized telling a realistic story about the changing nature of humans. The ending was blissful but not in the idolized, wrapped-in-a-bow-tie way one would imagine. They wanted to tell a story about tribulations and letting go, and did exactly that.

It will ignite the pain but will also make sure to thoroughly quench it. So there's that.

Oh and also, respect to all the actors. All those characters were so layered and had some quite difficult scenes. I do not understand how Guo Xiaoting didn't get any good roles matching of her caliber for years after this. She was magnificent.

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More Posts by Me

[drdemonprince]

Do you have any tips for autistics who want to get more comfortable with uncertainty/unpredictability?

You know, for me, two things have helped the most over time.

The first thing has been trying a variety of new things, and having a variety of life experiences (good, bad, weird, and neutral) and really soaking up the humility that comes with all that. The longer I live and the more passions I pursue, the more life surprises me and exposes me to. The more that I learn the vaster and less comprehensible the world seems to be. The idea that a single, feeble biased human like myself could ever have the power to predict what is going to happen (or to control it) now registers as absurd to me.

I used to try and game out every possible contingency for my reality and understand how everything worked, and a lot of that planning did benefit me, but I also wasted years trying to manage my options and never let the future options narrow before me, which of course they always will and must do. Often the outcome that I thought that I wanted wasn't even enjoyable to me, and then life opened up and expanded outward in some completely unanticipated direction that I'd written off. We never know shit, even when we think we do, so trying to know the optimal amount of shit in order to be able to make a decision or feel safe starts to seem just laughable. and when we laugh, even if its a mirthful or bitter laugh at life's uncontrollability, we can relax a bit.

The second thing that helped me was having confidence in my own ability to navigate unpredictable situations. Some of this does come with experience, see above. But it's also a question of self-efficacy. I sometimes have to remind myself that I nearly always figure things out and find a path forward, even if I'm feeling stuck, even if I need help, and especially when a situation is not what I expected it to be. I don't need to know everything about a situation or be able to predict the future -- I've never been able to predict the future, and I've never known everything, and yet here I am. Bad things in life have happened, I've made plenty of boneheaded choices, there have been tragedies, and losses, and traumas, and also unexpected bolts of good luck and unexpected discoveries. And also just a lot of really mundane boring low stakes everyday grinds. And i've been fine, you know. I've figured it out.

I think a lot of the fear of uncertainty is motivated by a desire to always get things right. but there is no right answer to the question of how to live one's life. The other reason we fear uncertainty is because we dread loss. And many of the uncertain negative outcomes that we fear (such as a relative dying, or friendship ending or a romantic relationship losing its spark) are events we have no control over and will eventually happen no matter what and so we've got to make peace with them. I can't say I'm always good at that. I used to have intrusive flashes of people I cared about dying any time I was enjoying a pleasant moment with them. i was so terrified of the uncertainty of loss that i couldnt enjoy what was happening in the present. That doesn't happen now. Largely because I've learned through experience that just about everything ends, whether you bother to worry about it ending or not, but I've been able to continue forging a worthwhile and dynamic life afterward every time a terrible loss has happened.

so yeah. if you fear uncertainty, i recommend having a really rich, wide array of experiences and doing what you can to build up trust in your own ability to handle the unexpected and difficult.

[windslar]

That's right. I'm back.

Explanation under the cut (TW: pregnancy, abortion, loss)

I know I dropped off the face of simblr without explanation, and for that, I'm sorry. A lot of things happened in March -- around the time of the Growing Together release. I remember thinking how timely is it for infants to come to the game just as I learned we were going to be a family of three.

Long story short, I found out I was pregnant in February, which was a very exciting time as my husband and I felt it was the right time. Truthfully, I became less interested in the game and so much more absorbed in reading and learning all about pregnancy and motherhood. Sims just kind of faded (as it does for many people) as my life began to change.

Many times I felt compelled to come back to explain the situation but as more time passed, the more I felt like it was unnecessary. I didn't think anyone was really going to care, despite the fact that a small number of people did reach out in my inbox (thank you). I figured one day, I'd come back and be like, "surprise! I had a baby!"

But that won't be happening. At least not any time soon.

At my 20-week scan, there were concerning findings. Multiple ultrasounds and procedures later, we had a few reassuring results only to be hit with a rare diagnosis that had severe impacts on the baby's viability at birth.

We chose to terminate the pregnancy. It was the most difficult decision despite knowing it was the right decision for my family. I had grown to love our baby and pictured our lives together. We had told close friends and family. We bought a stroller and a baby carrier. We got gifted some hand-me-down clothes for our baby girl. I had never imagined something so devastating and traumatic could happen to us especially so late into the pregnancy. It felt so unfair. So cruel.

It's been a rough couple of months. The anxiety and depression were at an all-time high. I have been off work for a little bit so I've had more free time, which is not ideal in terms of my mind constantly thinking about our loss, but the time is also kind of necessary for me to heal. In the last two weeks, I revisited the game and started playing casually again, but also lurking more and more here on tumblr. I do miss it. And I think part of the fun of playing the game is sharing my gameplay and interacting with the people in this community. It's one of the few things right now that's keeping my mind from falling into the deep pits of depression.

So yes. I'm depressed and I play the sims to escape the depressing reality of my life (right now). Don't worry, I have other supports elsewhere to help me cope; but in the ~alone times~ this game is keeping me from crying in bed all day so I count that as a win.

Now that that's out there. Please don't ask me any further questions or details about the whole thing, partly because I don't need to relive the sadness any more than I do, and partly to avoid providing any more (potentially) identifying information. I just want to move on and enjoy this safe-ish space the way I used to, and I hope that you can welcome me back with open arms.

[cer-rata]

If I could rework Ra's al Ghul conceptually, I think I'd make him occupy a similar place as Doctor Doom, an entertaining and difficult to deal with fact of life that represents a valid if flawed worldview. This is the direction I'd shift him in:

-Incredibly intelligent and prepared as a rule

-Wildly well resourced

-Still an antagonist but with a moral framework that sometimes leans kind of blue/orange

-Has things and people that he truly cares about in ways that are deeply understandable and even admirable

-Honestly? Kind of has a point ideologically, the problem lying in how he goes about achieving it

-Big ego that he sort of deserves

-Has a master goal that makes sense for an immortal with lots of perspective, even if the drawn conclusion is wrong. This is a big one. You have to be able to believe that he truly could be so smart and experienced and decide to die on the hill he does, without just hand waving him as being crazy. The incoherent ecoterrorism based genocide plot works for hot mess era Poison Ivy, not an immortal, well read mastermind who has had hundreds of years to actually come up with real solutions. (And even Ivy has moved on from that, like--)

-Maybe lean away from the Lazarus corruption angle because it's wildly inconsistent and unclear as to what effect it actually has and kind of provides an easy way out instead of forcing Batman and the reader to actually contend with his ideas.

And this is not to say he can't be an unfortunate influence in Damian and Talia's life. But I think it's all much more interesting if the Bruce/Ra's dichotomy doesn't have a wildly obvious moral high ground that positions Bruce as the white savior, swooping in with his evolved western ideals. I think Talia is more rewarding as an idealist who is truly forced to make a hard decision between two men she loves dearly, both as people and for the values they represent, and maybe ends up somewhere in between, coming up with a philosophy that works for her. For that to work their frameworks actually have to be comparable. Parents can mess you up even when they're trying their absolute best and love you dearly, he doesn't have to be cartoonishly cruel to their bodies and minds to get to the point of familial dysfunction.

I'm just going to say it, I think It's time we move on from the evil mystical Arab terrorist that doesn't value human life or women or the wishes of his own family and has no real constructive goal or politics--like I've only been implying it so far, but the inherent racism in the construction of Ra's al Ghul is A LOT to deal with and makes it very difficult to actually enjoy him as a character. Conceptually he's got too much potential to just be a caricature. We live in a world where the Joker is positioned as some kind of ideological foil to Batman, instead of a character with ACTUAL IDEALS.

And enough with the biological determinism stuff! Stop that! Stop that right now! I'm putting "nature vs nurture" on a high shelf until you can behave and not use it to be racist. It might not be coming back people! A thousand years in the dungeon! A thousand years of pain!

[snwusberry]

pairing: yeonjun x reader x wooyoung

genre: angst, fluff (if you squint real hard)

warning(s): language, food/eating, alcohol consumption, intoxication, a lot of crying, toxicity (yeonjun is a lil toxic ngl), trust issues, cheating mentioned but no one actually did, a lot of tears. love square my dudes. pov changes (sorry). there are many errors. i will try and fix them as soon as possible.

wc: 7k

notes: this is by far my longest fanfic (i had to bust out my laptop for this one) and i'm not gonna lie, for someone with a short attention span, this was quite difficult to write but i wanted to step out of my comfort zone so here it is. i hope you all enjoy this one

playlist:

i don't - sabrina claudio

cry for love - baekhyun

movies - conan gray

fight or flight - conan gray

bleeding love - leona lewis

reader pov

"this is the third time in a row now yeonjun. how many times is she gonna rock up at your apartment drunk?" i ask him, looking at the sleeping girl on the sofa. she’s a little too at peace for someone whos ruining my night right now.

"she comes here because she's most familiar with me. who else is supposed to help her?" yeonjun defends and i roll my eyes, not having any of it. this not the first time this is happening.

"her other friends. it's funny how she's got other friends, isn't it?" i sarcastically remark but he just returns a stern look.

"quiet down, you're gonna wake her up." i raise my eyebrows at the sheer audacity.

"have her sleep somewhere else then. i don’t know, call someone to pick her up and look after her. you're not doing none of that tonight." i tell him.

it's tiring how much this happens. she always does this. she comes up with something whenever she knows yeonjun and i will be together that day, like right now. she appeared drunk on yeonjun's doorstep on the day we decided to spend time together.

"please be serious right now."

"i am being serious. she's not spending the night here." i fight back, trying to stand my ground but i'm afraid i'm fighting a losing battle.

"this is my apartment y/n, not yours. i think that i should be the one to make that decision, no? stop bitching about it." he responds coldly with an unreadable expression on his face. there's a look in his eyes i've never seen before.

"okay then i'll leave."

his eyes soften upon hearing my tone of voice indicating that i am, in fact, upset.

"i didn't mean that." he tries to hold my hand to stop me from leaving but i pull away, getting my things to leave.

"then what the fuck did you mean?" i ask him turning to face him but he just stares, not saying anything. “you said what you said. call me when you drop this act of yours."

once the cool air outside the giant apartment building hits me, i let out a sigh, frustrated by all this. he really said that to me with a straight face and thinks he can just take it back all willy nilly? unbelievable.

i send a text to the person who's been helping me through this somewhat confusing moment in my relationship.

me:

are you busy?

i get a text back fairly quickly, i don't even need to read it to know he's not busy and judging by his patterns, he wouldn't have responded so quickly had he been occupied.

woo:

no

i make my way down the familiar road to one of my best friends' apartments. i've been here many times before but now i feel bad for even thinking about going there because i feel like as of late, i've just been there to complain.

"oh y/n. come in." he ushers me inside his warm apartment.

i make my way in and he walks me to the kitchen where i sit by the small island.

"let me guess, the name starts with m?" he asks, preparing some tea for both of us. i nod but the tears start to fall. i fucking hate when my anger turns to tears because it makes me feel weak. "that's not all, is it?" i shake my head and he walks around the island to pull me into a hug before he shoos me to the living room and he returns shortly after with a cup of tea, handing it to me before sitting next to me listening to everything i'm saying while i rant about what happened with yeonjun.

"that's messed up like how many times is she gonna show up drunk at his door?" wooyoung asks, outraged at the audacity of this girl.

"that's literally what i said to him. i told him she couldn't have gone to anyone else and you know what he said? he said 'she's most familiar with me. who else with her?' can you believe this guy?" i rhetorically ask, taking a sip from the cup. "and then i said to him that she's not spending the night and i kid you not, something in him just switched. he was like 'that's not your decision to make' but like, the way he said it... it was so unlike him. it's like i was talking to a whole different man."

"if this continues its gonna be a problem." wooyoung warns me cautiously.

"i know. i don't like where this is going."

i wake up, sitting up to look around, realizing i crashed at wooyoung's place. everything from last night coming back to me. i remember how yeonjun acted, that i cried and now i'm here.

"ahhh." i groan throwing myself back on the bed. how long is this going to go on for?

"rise and shine." wooyoung calls out a little too chipper. he enters the room and i glare at him. "what's with that face? come on i made you breakfast."

"you didn't have to."

"you say that all the time and yet here we are. come on grumpy." he says, pulling me out of bed.

"i'm not grumpy." i mumble with a pout.

"say again."

"nothing."

"thought so."

he makes me sit down at the kitchen table where the table is set with my favourite breakfast. i thank him, sitting down.

"don't be shy."

i smile at him, immediately digging in.

"slow down. the food isn’t running away." he warns and i apologize briefly.

my phone starts ringing and i check to see who it is but my smile falters and wooyoung looks at me worried.

"who is it?"

"yeonjun."

his face falls at my answer, as if a happy moment was ruined.

"answer."

i nod, answering his call but i take a moment before saying anything.

"babe?"

"hello."

"baby, please come over, or rather, i'm coming over-" his voice sounds hasty, his breathing choppy, as if he ran a marathon.

i look at wooyoung for a second with hesitance and he's just minding his own business but the look on his face shows he's upset.

"don't bother." i tell him bluntly. i'm still not over last night so let me be petty today.

"why? is everything alright?"

"i'm not home." wooyoung looks up and shakes his head making me sigh. "look, i'll be right there. just make sure your friend is not there once i arrive."

"come on y/n not this again."

"i'm serious yeonjun." i hang up before throwing my phone on the table. letting out a sigh in frustration because i don't want to go to him right now. he could at least let me enjoy my morning.

"go on." is all wooyoung says before standing up and clearing up the dishes to wash them. his mood has clearly drastically different now.

"wooyoung-"

"go talk to him. you can't leave these things unresolved like this. go talk to him and sort this mess out."

"but wooyoung."

"no, not another word. besides you can always come back once you're done." he suggests so i just agree.

"okay."

i walk out, calling an uber to yeonjun's apartment building, deciding not to walk there.

i make my way to the elevator where i see mara walking out. i try to avoid her, not wanting to even talk to her because it will just ruin my mood completely.

"oh? look who it is."

dammit.

i put on my fakest smile, turning to face her. "hi mara."

"going to yeonjun's?" she asks and i fight the urge to roll my eyes.

"no i'm here to see soobin. haven't seen him in a while." i respond sarcastically.

"soobin is in the states."

wow i had no idea.

"great then who else could i possibly be here for?" i ask her in the most real yet fake questioning tone.

"why don't you just give up already? no matter how hard you try, yeonjun will always pick me over you anyway." she smugly remarks and i roll my eyes.

"is that why you he asked you to leave for me to come see him at my request, might i add. i wouldn’t be proud to be a choice sweetie." the elevator door opens once again and i get in, waving at her as the doors close.

something inside me is restless though because deep down i have a feeling that she might be right. he's chosen her over me multiple times so i'm afraid she's right.

once i reach his floor, i walk to his door and knock, hearing shuffling before the door opens.

"you didn't have to knock you know. i'd know it's you." he says blankly and i roll my eyes.

"yeah well then i guess we both acting different."

"babe- wait, those are last nights clothes." he looks at me suspiciously and i raise my eyebrows.

"i'm aware."

"then where were you so early in the morning? you said you didn't go home last night?" he questions.

"why do you care?"

"because you're my girlfriend, of course i care, y/n be serious please." i scoff at his words. at this point, i feel like he thinks i’m a joke because he always says that to me.

"i am being serious. you haven't been treating me like i'm your girlfriend so i don't see what's wrong with my question."

"what are you even saying? and where did you go last night then?"

"oh now you're questioning me? you called me over to talk so tell me what you needed to so i can go."

his eyebrows furrow as he looks at me confused.

"i wanted to spend time with you since our date last night was ruined." he says softly.

"and who ruined it?"

"don't start. just please tell me where you wer-"

"wooyoung's place."

his face drops to an expressionless one and he just looks at me.

"why the long face now all of a sudden? what's wrong?"

"you get mad at me for having mara over but it’s okay for you to spend the night at wooyoung's place? how is that fair? besides, i only went there because of you."

"because of me?" he questions and i nod. "why? tell me."

"because he's the one who was able to give me comfort after the way you spoke to me. you chose to let mara crash our date for the nth time." he remains silent. "what now? much like you were there for mara, wooyoung did the same for me."

"was it to spite me?” he asks me and i scoff.

“not everything is about you jun.”

“i don't want you going near him anymore. if you have a problem you come to me." i scoff, rolling my eyes at what he just said what does he think this is?

he has to be joking. he is joking right?

"and if you are the problem?"

he looks at me confused with his head tilted trying to figure out what i meant.

"what do you even mean?"

"i mean that you, choi yeonjun, are the problem in this scenario." i tell him and try to walk out but he grabs my wrist.

"let go."

"not until we resolve this."

i sigh to myself knowing he's right. we need to actually talk about this or it will just get out of control.

"come sit down." he gently speaks walking with me to the living room.

"y/n please tell me what's wrong." he asks once we've sat down. we're facing each other while he holds both of my hands in his, rubbing the back of them with his thumbs.

"mara and how you are around her."

he let's one of my hands go to run his hand through his hair, an irritated expression making its way on his face.

"you always act different when she's around."

"why are you always bringing her into this?"

"she's getting in the middle of us." i tell him and he rolls his eyes.

"baby she's my best friend, that's all."

"and she likes you."

"don't talk shit."

he thinks i'm talking nonsense? it's clear as day that she has feelings for him and it frustrating that he can't see it but him talking to me like this? absolutely not.

"i'm telling the truth. tell me, how come she always has an emergency whenever we're together?"

"i don't know. look it's not right to blame someone else for this. do you not trust me?"

"of course i do! if i didn't trust you, i wouldn't have left the two of you alone together and i would’ve questioned you the way you just did when i walked in. i just want you to see what's really going on here."

"y/n." he reaches for my hand again to hold it. "whether she likes me or not, that shouldn't matter anyway. i love you and only you and that won't change."

"then why do you always choose to be with her instead?" i ask him and he tenses.

"what?"

"you always choose her. whenever it comes down to it, it's always gonna be her. she even said it herself in the lobby and i told her off but i knew deep down that she’s actually telling the truth."

"y/n."

"like last night, for example. she showed up and you stopped our plans to go help her even though there are many other people she could've ran to, then when i walked out, you did nothing."

"this is ridiculous."

"you are being ridiculous, yeonjun. you don't wanna see what's right in front of you."

"are you jealous of her or something? babe i tell you time and time again that she's just a friend!" he raised his voice at me and i pull my hands away from him.

"oh i'm jealous... that's what it is, right? i'm jealous because my boyfriend is making time for someone else. i’m jealous because my boyfriend let's me leave to spend the night with another girl. is that what you're saying?" i question, standing up, ready to leave.

"stop talking, you're making it seem like something it's not. besides you have no right getting upset since you spend all your time with wooyoung anyway."

"BECAUSE HE AT LEAST HAS TIME FOR ME! it's selfish, yes but he has time for me when you are too busy giving all of yours to someone else!"

"are you that hungry for attention that you're too busy looking for it elsewhere?"

"fuck you yeonjun." with that i walk out and go straight back to wooyoung's apartment.

there is a movie playing but it's just background noise at this point because my thoughts are running wild.

i found myself staying at wooyoung's apartment for the past 3 days since my argument with yeonjun.

he let me stay here and he's been nothing but accommodating and i feel like i'm taking advantage of his kindness which is the last thing i want to do.

"wooyoung."

"hmm?"

"thank you." is all i say and he sits up from his seat.

"for what?" he asks, not knowing where all of this is coming from.

"thank you." i repeat, feeling a burning sensation in my eyes.

"y/n." i look down and he moves to the loveseat i'm sitting on. he sees the tears forming on my eyes and immediately hugs me. "what did he say to you?"

i can't answer, the words are stuck in my throat and i couldn't answer him.

"it's okay. it'll be okay."

"i don't think it will." he stops patting my back for a second before continuing.

"don't be like this y/n. he’ll open his eyes eventually."

"i'm afraid it will be too late by then." i say sadly, more to myself than anything but i said it too loud because wooyoung heard.

he pulls away to take a brief look at me.

"what do you mean by that?"

"i'm reaching my limit here."

"don't make any hasty decisions."

"i'm not wooyoung. i love him, i really do, but if loving him is only going to get me feeling like this then it's really not worth it."

"y/n-"

"it's tiring." i tell him letting more tears fall at the thought of possibly ending my relationship with yeonjun.

"whatever you choose to do, i'll be right by your side." he softly tells me with eyes filled with sorrow as he watches me cry. "and if he doesn't appreciate you someone else definitely will. you're a sweet girl who deserves only the best and it kills me to see that that's not what you're getting."

he makes me look in his eyes and mouths something that i couldn't quite catch what he said. he wipes away my tears with this tumbs, all while keeping eye contact with me.

"someone will treat you better y/n." he whispers, letting out a sigh before looking away. "come on, let's do something that'll get your mind off him." he suggests. i don't know what he means by that.

"sure."

"alright, follow me." he takes my hand and takes me to his room, further confusing me.

"wooyoung?"

"shhh." he rummages through his closet and get a long sleeve shirt, handing it to me. "wear this."

"what's this for?" i ask, looking at him.

"just wear it. there's a method behind my madness."

i just shrug and put it on over my tank top and we walk out.

"a rage room?"

"why not?" he asks, shrugging his shoulders before we both walk in and book a session.

the lady explains the rules to us and before i know it, i'm breaking everything around me with out a care in the world. i'm imagining mara’s face before hitting something which really helps get the aggression out.

"FUCK! YOU! CHOI! YEONJUN!" i scream while breaking the things around me. "AND FUCK THAT MARA BITCH TOO!"

wooyoung just looks at me with a wide smile which is still visible through the protective gear.

once our session is over he takes us both to go eat some street food and i feel calm after all that.

"you know, i needed that." i breath out in content.

"yeah?"

"yeah. is it concerning to feel better after imagining someone's face over an object before hitting it to oblivion?" he laughs making me smile a bit, not thinking what i said was gonna be funny but go figure.

"it's not hard to imagine someone's face over something you're gonna throw at a wall."

"who's face were you imagining?" i ask him, turning to face him on the bench.

"the one who made you cry." i stop eating briefly at what he said.

"not too much bow, he's still your best friend."

"that doesn't excuse his shitty behavior." he sing-songs before taking a bite from his food.

"still." i try to grap a fry from his box while he’s not looking but he staws my hand away before i can even get far.

"hey."

"you have your own."

"had my own." i frown showing him the empty box.

"ask next time. here." he says giving me some and i smile, thanking him.

"the weather is so nice today."

"not with that fucking vanilla talk."

"last time i try to create conversation." we laugh together, looking at the sun setting.

i feel a lot better now after going to the rage room and taking out all of my frustration.

"ready to go home?" he asks once we're done.

"can we go to your place?"

"and what will your boyfriend think of that?" he asks teasingly.

"he won't like it but i spent the last two nights at yours so what's another night?"

"i don't want him to freak out on us for that. come i'll take you home."

"please wooyoung. i don't wanna be alone tonight."

"then call yeonjun. i think you both need to sit and talk with a clear mind.”

"we tried that already, remember?"

"try again." he urges and i sigh, taking my phone and dialing his number. it rings but he doesn't pick up.

"voicemail, see he’s still mad. let's go."

“y/n” he warns and i sigh, giving in, deciding not to make this an even bigger deal.

once i get home and wooyoung has left i lay in bed, listening to the music playing on the speaker.

yeonjun and i have been together for 3 years now and we've never gone through something like this nor have i ever considered the possibility of breaking up with him so how did we get this far?

i pick up my phone to text him. i just wanna see something.

me:

yeonjun please come over quick!!

please.

something happened!!

i put my phone down to see if he will even respond.

"in my head we never grow apart. in my head you never break my heart. but we know that's not what we're doing. 'cause baby this not like the movies." i sing along softly letting a tear fall hearing no notification go off on my phone. this is exactly why i didn't wanna be alone tonight.

wooyoung's pov

i sit with san in his apartment just relaxing, catching up, all that fun stuff. it's been quite a while since we actually got to just hang out and talk but right now i just wish more than anything that he'd shut up or change the topic because he is driving me insane.

"i say be selfish." he finally says with a shrug to finish off his little rant.

"what do you mean by that?" i ask him, narrowing my eyes at his final statement.

"look, yeonjun is being a complete dick right now and who does she run to afterwards?"

"me?"

"bingo." he smiles, taking a sip from his can of beer.

"i'm not picking up what you're putting down."

"she goes to you for comfort and you treat her the way her boyfriend is supposed to. be selfish and let them break up. i mean, why are you even trying to help save a dying relationship?"

"because i respect both of them and their relationship. besides, that's just taking advantage of her vulnerability you ass."

sometimes he doesn't think past the present.

"and its not like she'd ever look at me that way. no matter what the state of her relationship with yeonjun is, she will still love him regardless." i tell him sadly. she's deeply in love with him and it hurts me so much because it's not certain if he shares the same sentiment anymore and i'm just here waiting to give her the love she deserves.

my phone rings and i pick up without checking who's calling.

"hello."

"jung wooyoung."

speak of the devil.

"y/n."

"wooyoung are you home?"

her words are slurred and my worry spikes. she's drunk in broad daylight. it's never a good sign.

"JUNG WOOYOUNG!"

i hear her starting to cry judging by the feint sniffing on the ither side.

"are you also tired of me now too?"

"where are you?"

"don't worry if you're busy right now. i don't wanna bother you." she hiccups, before yawning loudly.

"you're not. please tell me where you are."

"the streets." she laughs hysterically before catching her breath. "i'm outside yeonjun's apartment building."

her voice wavers when she says that and my heart sinks. what did that asshole do to her this time?

"i'm coming there okay. don't go anywhere."

i hang up, ready to get my keys.

"where are you running off to?" san questions with a raised eyebrow.

"to pick y/n up. she's not doing too good."

"let me come with."

"okay let's go."

once we get to the complex i see y/n sitting on the ground looking out of it.

"holy shit." i hear san whisper as we run to her and get her off the floor.

"wooyoung?" she smiles widely it doesn’t reach her eyes. she looks a mess with swollen eyes and tears still running down her cheeks. i feel terrible.

"if she can show up drunk at his door then why can't i? why am i not allowed to go to him all vulnerable like she does? i'm his girlfriend, not her!" she starts shouting out of nowhere which draws attention from a couple of people around us.

this isn't fair anymore. if he's gonna keep pushing her around like this he might as well just end this relationship instead of continuously making her feel like absolute shit.

"why doesn't he love me anymore wooyoung? why? why don't you love me anymore yeonjun?! what did i do?" she starts yelling, properly sobbing now, hitting my chest while she speaks.

"get lost." san says, probably talking to someone who is probably staring. i need to get her away from these people looking at her weirdly.

i take her to the car, getting in the back with her so she can sit comfortably.

"what did he do?" i ask her once she’s seated comfortably.

"he kicked me out because that bitch was there. she probably called him crying or some shit but i'm crying too." she points to herself, choking on her tears. "YEONJUN SEE I'M CRYING TOO!" she shouts to no one. i close my eyes, letting tears of my own fall. i haven’t seen her like this before. 'aww, look, you woke up poor mara who’s sad and going through things, and she’s sad and not doing too well.' it's always about poor sad mara! you know, he called me an attention seeker the other day? an attention seeker for wanting the bare minimum from my boyfriend. he's with that girl so much, he might as well be her boyfriend and not mine right?" she humorlessly laughs. "and then he had the audacity to tell me i can't be around you anymore. who does he think he is?”

did he seriously tell her she can’t be around me anymore? but then he continues to act the way he does. if y/n can't confide in me or him then who else is she supposed to run to?

“he's not mine anymore wooyoung. i think i've lost him."

i shake my head as she cries in my shoulder.

where did it all go wrong? i mean, he's never been like this before so what now? why is he acting differently now?

"enough is enough. san, please take her home and take care of her. make sure she drinks water and sobers up. i'll be there soon." i tell san who's in the passenger seat and he nods.

"san is here? hi san." she smiles widely, waving in no particular direction.

i give him the keys and wait for him to drive off before heading to yeonjun's apartment, knocking on the door and i wait for him to open. he's got a look of surprise written in his face.

"wooyoung? what are you doing here?" he asks and i shrug. "come in."

i walk in seeing another pair of shoes already there. he offers me a drink which i decline.

"is mara here?" i ask and he nods. "yeah, she's asleep in the room."

"i see."

what's gotten into him? he used to be the most attentive person when it came to y/n so what changed?

"what on earth do you think you're doing?" i ask him.

"sorry?" he asks me, completely dumbfounded by my sudden question.

"do you think what you're doing is right?"

"what's this all about?" he questions, clearly not expecting me to start asking him questions.

"mara is here sleeping am i right?" he nods. "and where is y/n, if you don't mind me asking."

"i sent her home. she came here, caused a scene and started drunkenly shouting so i sent her home because she could've woke mara up." i wanna strangle him so bad right now but i just scoff, deciding to choose peace.

"doesn't it concern you that she's coming to you drunk at 3 in the afternoon?" i ask him but it seems like i'm talking to a brick wall.

"what?"

"you're so dense."

"look, if you came here to do the same then you can go see yourself out."

"do you understand the shit you're putting y/n through?"

"don't involve yourself, this is between y/n and i." he warns but i'm not backing down. he either does something to fix this or he breaks up with her and he's deciding that today. i don't care anymore.

"no, its between you, y/n and mara so i will involve myself too. y/n has been crying non stop for days now because of you and your inability to see what mara is actually doing here."

"she didn't do anything. y/n clearly doesn't trust me to be around her so she's obviously gonna wanna cause a scene."

i raise my eyebrows at his bold choice of words. so he defends her by belittling his own girlfriend... it's bewildering to me.

"you're unbelievable. through all of this, when has she ever accused you of cheating with mara?" he remains silent. what else can he say? there's no way to defend the way he's acting right now and i will call him out for it. "she does trust you asshole, all she wants from you is for you to not blow her off because mara needs you. she needs you too yeonjun."

i'm saying all of this but a small part of me hopes he stays stubborn like this and they break up. san is right, it is selfish but i wanna be there for y/n the way yeonjun is failing to. she deserves so much more than this and that's what i wanna give her but then again.

but there's a small part of me that know i still don't have a chance anyway. she doesn't see me that way and that's the only reason i'm here trying to help save tis relationship. even if it hurts me in the end.

"i'm with her all the time." he defends and i scoff. there's no way he's actually being serious right now.

"that's bullshit and we both know it. when was the last time you two actually spent quality time together?"

"two weeks ago and then she walked out."

"without interruptions." i clarify and yeonjun's face drops. i don't know what he's thinking right now but he better be realizing his mistakes.

"you called her an attention seeker for wanting to be with her boyfriend who's too busy with another girl."

"you're making it sound like something it isn't."

"well how am i supposed to know what actually goes down when the two of you are alone together."

that hits a nerve because he yells for me to shut up and i just smile at his reaction.

"don't you ever accuse me of such things EVER. i love y/n way too much to even think about doing that to her so who are you to even question me on that? besides, you're the last one to talk."

"excuse me?"

don't act like you're not always with her. who knows what you two are doing behind my back?" he asks and i raise my eyebrows. someone needs to be here to slap some sense into him because he's genuinely lost it. if he loves her so much then why is he acting like this.

"that's how much you trust her and i? you know, she's never questioned you about mara. you say love her but you don't trust her? is that it yeonjun? and you have the audacity to say you love her then why don't you fucking show it? she sat outside this very building for who knows how long crying her eyes out asking why you don't love her anymore. she asked why mara can come to you in that very state but she can't and she's your girlfriend, no less. you know what else she said? she said she thinks  she's lost you. she said you're not hers anymore. are you hearing me? she's giving up on you and she’s giving up on trying to singlehandedly save your relationship." i tell him while he looks at me with tears forming in his eyes.

oh now he's listening...

"you know, she's told me before that she's thinking of breaking up with you because loving you is hard and she doesn't think it's worth all this pain it’s giving her."

"she said that?" he asks and i nod.

"i'm gonna give you an ultimatum. it's y/n or mara."

"quit playing wooyoung."

"i'm not. either choose mara and end it with y/n and i will personally make sure it ends or choose y/n and stop being friends with mara."

"why? you hoping i choose mara so that she can run into your arms?" he asks rhetorically but that question has an answer already.

"yes i am, actually. she's already doing that, isn't she?"

"you son of a bitch. i always knew you had feelings for her. if you ever say shit like that to me it won't end well."

"look, i was never even trying to hide it. she only runs to me after you treat her like trash. she doesn't see me like that and you know that. that's why i'm here right now. because no matter what my feelings for her are, you’re the  one she thinks about. you're all she talks about. i know i don't have a chance otherwise you two would've broken up the moment she came to me the first time crying because of you. make a choice yeonjun." i say before walking away.

reader's pov

headache. a fucking headache is the last thing i need right now.

"y/n?"

"hmm?"

"how are you feeling?"

i open my eyes to see san standing by the door with a mug in hand.

"horrible. why did i do all that?"

"i made some tea for you." he hands me the cup and i thank him, taking a sip a little too quickly because i burnt my tongue. "easy now."

"sorry."

"what happened yesterday?" he asks sitting down on the edge of the bed next to me.

"where do i even start?"

"ladies and gentlemen. sorry i have a little announcement. attention everyone." i slur out to everyone who's around me in the bar. it's more on the secluded part of the club so i can get away with making a little announcement. i just need these people to listen.

"ma'am, get down from there." a man who's sitting at the bar tries to help me down but i haven't said what i needed to yet.

"hold on i need to tell everyone this. HELLO!! yes."

"ma'am get down or i'm afraid we'll have to throw you out."

"my boyfriend is an asshole." i laugh hysterically, clapping and everything. "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE YEONJUN!!"

"get down!"

"okay okay i am. relax." the people around me helped me down but i was escorted out because these people are boring and don't know how to loosen up.

i could go to yeonjun. i hope he's not busy with mara right now. i miss him and we haven't spoken in a good minute.

i decide to walk, not really feeling like sitting in a stuffy car.

once i get there, i take a breath before knocking on the door and wait for him to open but nothing so i just enter.

"CHOI YEONJUN!" where is he? "babe i miss you where are you?"

"y/n?" he appears from his room and i immediately run to him for a hug.

"were you drinking?" he asks annoyed. what's his problem?

"just a little. i had like 5..."

"y/n."

"bottles." i burst out laughing but he doesn't seem to find it funny. so uptight.

"y/n you're drunk."

"am not." i pout and he rolls his eyes.

"why are you drinking at this time of the day?"

"because of you. you made me feel like shit when you didn't respond my message yesterday. o drank because you don't care about me yeonjun. you didn't even call to check. WHY DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST CALL ME? TELL ME!"

"yeonjun?" i look at the person calling his name and there stands mara in the doorway to his room.

"babe is she wearing my clothes?" i ask him after eyeing her up and down.

"she's just borrowing them."

"no you are incorrect. YOU yeonjun, took it upon yourself to give her my clothes. borrowing would imply that she asked me to wear my clothes and me allowing her to but it's nothing of the sort. see how it works? come on, go change." i tell her walking towards her but yeonjun holds me back from walking forward.

"what am i going to wear then? jun please speak to her." she is such a bit-

"y/n."

"give her yours then. there problem solved, now everyone can have their tea. i'm so smart." i pat myself on the back beaming at my bright idea.

"y/n you're embarrassing yourself."

"in front of who?" i start looking around to see if there's anyone else here but it's just the three of us. "i don't see anyone."

"me. you're embarrassing me."

"okay but in front of who though?"

"y/n go home, alright, you're drunk and you woke mara up."

"oh sorry mara. i didn't mean to barge into your home and wake you up. and don't even worry about my clothes you can have them. you've already taken something else from me, getting upset over clothes would just be trivial."

"Y/N!" i immediately stop talking, flinching from him shouting my name suddenly. my heart starts rapidly beating and my breaking picks up pace. "please just go home. now."

i nod, trying to hold back my tears as i walk out the door.

"im so sorry y/n." san said, taking my hand in his to try to comfort me. i keep my head ducked.

the door opens and wooyoung walks in.

"san what did you do to her?" he jokes making me laugh a little bit.

"nothing. shut up."

"y/n, can i talk to you?"

"sure." he walks in, sitting down next to san.

"i spoke to yeonjun." he starts off but i don't wanna hear it. anything with regards to him, i don't wanna hear it. his name alone just upsets me.

"let's not mention his name right now."

"i gave him an ultimatum." he blankly says and i look at him.

"what's the point? he's chosen her time and time again, what's the point? and talking about him will just piss me off." i dismiss the idea, not wanting to talk about it further. "let's talk about something else." i suggest.

"you really not gonna talk to him?" san asks and i shake my head.

"i don't want to. you know, something in me keeps telling me to just meet up with him so i can end it, but i'm weak. i'm too weak to do something like that."

"you can't avoid him either though." wooyoung injects but i shake my head.

"then give me time to think things over."

"i'll respect whatever decision you make." he says.

"thank you woo. but please don't let me cause a dent in your friendship. the last thing i want is for you two to stop talking on my expense."

"i'm just gonna say it. y/n, you're too good for him." san says making me smile.

"thank you." i finish my tea and take a shower before heading back to my place.

--

i look through the racks of the detergent aisle. i've been needing to buy groceries for a while.

the past week after the whole incident at yeonjun's apartment have been complete hell. a whole back and forth of emotions and its honestly too much for me but i need some air and run errands and basically get my shit together because i can't let a man put my whole life on pause like this.

my phone beeps and i check, smiling while reading wooyoung's message. him and san have been checking up on me every 3 hours, driving me up the wall here and there but i appreciate it nonetheless.

once i get home, carrying my groceries, genuinely in a good mood after actually taking a walk but ummm.

"what are you doing here?" i ask the girl.

"just visiting a mutual friend." she slyly responds making me roll my eyes.

"get lost."

"no."

"suit yourself."

i unlock the door, going in, shutting it in her face, waving before locking the door.

because i thought a bitch said something. i do not have time today.

i put on my music, deciding to clean up and pack my stuff like the mature adult i am.

while i'm going through my bills, i hear rattling at the door.

now who's trying to break in?

i stand up to go check, deciding to bang on the door to stop this person but then they start again.

"see what i’m not gonna do is deal with this rattling noise going through these thin ass walls, if you wanna get in just knock like a normal person dammit!"

the person knocks and i open the door. why? i don't know, i could literally be in danger.

"what the hell do you want?" i look at the tall man in front of me, not really expecting him to be standing there.

"oh it’s you." i try to close the door but he pushes it and keeps it open. "are you here to shout at me for closing the door in your precious mara's face?" i ask looking at the girl standing behind him.

"i'm here to talk to you."

"i don't wanna talk to you. look i've been having a good day today so please take your little hip attachment and leave."

she looks at me smugly and i decided to just turn a blind eye because she's pissing me off.

"mara please leave." he tells her not even looking at her. her face drops and i look at yeonjun, confused.

"do you want me to wait for you outside?" she asks him, voice getting high pitched as if she wasn't sounding like someone's father while speaking to me earlier.

"go home mara." he sternly tells her.

"jun-"

"leave." he urges making her open and close her mouth like a fish. deserved bitch.

"yeonjun why are you here?" i ask in a defeated tone not really in the mood to talk to him right now.

"i wanted to talk to you. can we please talk?"

"no." i try closing the door again and he stops my from doing so again.

"please y/n."

"i don't want to talk to you right now. please just leave me alone and don't be so rude to mara. go with her and leave me alone please."

"y/n."

"GO."

"i'm not ready to give up on us y/n."

"I TRIED WITH YOU YEONJUN! i've been trying with you. it’s only when i've reached my limit when you come to me with that? it took someone to force you to make a choice for you to realize the shit you’ve done but all those times i've pleaded with you flew over your head. i stood in your apartment drunk as a cry for help and you threw me out because i woke your dearest friend up! i took everything and accepted it quietly. you called me names and i accepted it, you spoke to me however you wanted to and i accepted it. you had that girl in MY CLOTHES, USING MY SHIT SLEEPING IN YOUR BED AND I FUCKING KEPT QUIET. i never once doubted you or your relationship with mara, only to have wooyoung tell me that you had the fucking audacity to question my loyalty to you when i've never given you a reason to. it's not fair so for you to come here, sending mara away in front of me as if to prove a point and demand that i talk to you. it's just pathetic." i yell out to him, finally getting it off my chest.

it felt good to actually say it and dare i say, to shout at him the way i did.

"you're only here because wooyoung gave you an ultimatum and that's what fucking opened your eyes? i'm your girlfriend yeonjun, not a choice and if it's gotten to a point where you havr to you're have to choose me or someone else then please just don't bother choosing me, it's insulting. now please give me some time and leave from here."

he nods his head and i can see the prominent pain in his eyes but i need to stand my ground.

he finally leaves and i shut the door. i truly can't believe this guy.

"fuck you yeonjun!" i sob out quietly. i've found myself saying that a lot lately because who does he actually think he is?

the last couple of weeks have been hell and here he comes all willy-nilly talking about some, 'i'm not giving up on us' well it sure as hell felt like it. after pushing me away for so long he only comes to me now after i've given up? i've told him how i felt but he only listened after someone else told him.

still, after all the heartache, my heart is still too weak to leave him.

i know that mara is the main reason all of this is happening, he's never acted this way until she developed feelings for him and decided to try to separate us, but he still made his own decisions regardless of that. he let her get between us and he chose to treat me the way he did.

he's just a caring person though. that's how he is but if he's caring, then we wouldn't be like this now.

i wanna get back to how we once were but there's this lingering question of 'what if this all happens again?'. i mean, he didn't hesitate to forget me once so what's stopping him from doing it again?

my phone rings and i walk to go pick it up, seeing it's wooyoung calling.

"hello?"

"are you dumb?" he asks me and i furrow my eyebrows.

"okay ouch, first of all, and second, where is this coming from?" i ask him.

"why did you shut yeonjun down when he wanted to talk things out?"

"because i'm tired woo. he's been putting me on the back burner for another girl for weeks before i said anything and when i did, it all just spiraled after that. he spoke to me any which way and i took it but it became too much. i'm tired from all the chasing." i rant out to him, feeling tears forming.

"so what does this mean for the two of you?" he asks.

that's a good question...

the next week has just been me thinking everything through. 3 years together is a long time to consider.

i call yeonjun telling him i’m outside before entering the building. i walk to his door thinking over, knocking on it before he opens it.

"y/n. uh come in." he steps aside, allowing me in. being in here fills my head with nothing but memories of the recent events. that's not a good sign.

"do you want anything?" he asks but i decline.

sitting at the kitchen table in awkward silence, my leg bouncing up and down from the nerves that have taken over.

"i'm sorry for lashing out on you last timea. i didn't let you explain your side of the story which was unfair on my part." i tell him, avoiding eye contact.

"how you reacted was valid. i haven't been the best boyfriend to you for a long time now and i wanna apologize for everything. for the way i spoke to you and treated you. it was completely unwarranted and unnecessary and i should have listened to you the first time, no actually, i shouldn't have given you a reason to feel that way in the first place."

i see tears forming in his eyes as he speaks and it takes a lot in me to not engulf him in a hug to comfort him. i can't do that right now, i need to be headstrong.

"it shouldn't have taken someone else to talk to me about this before realizing what i did to you and i should have managed my priorities better. you know, you're the most important person to me and i didn't show it and worst of all, i questioned your loyalty to me, not once but twice."

that's what breaks my heart more than anything. i haven't given any reason to feel that way which is why i was shocked when he doubted got just me but wooyoung as well. everything between us has been nothing but platonic but clearly he didn't see it that way. a tear rolls down his cheek and i look away so that i don't see him crying, it's my biggest weakness.

i never once did. not even when i saw mara walk out of his room because that's how much i trust him. you can't love without trust and he clearly couldn't seem to trust me and that's what stings the most.

"i should know better than anyone that you wouldn't even think of doing such a thing. look, i regret everything y/n. you shouldn't be apologizing for the way you reacted yesterday, i was wrong, i let someone get between us and i hurt you. that's my biggest regret." he says.

we both have tears running down our eyes but i still refuse to look in his eyes. he takes hold of my hand before continuing to talk.

"i'm not asking for you to forgive me right away because i know that's a big ask but let me earn it please."

"okay. you can earn my forgiveness." i smile weakly at him before quickly looking away. "by letting me go." i finish and i feel his grip on my hand loosen a bit.

and that is why i didn't want to look in his eyes. because i know i wouldn't be able to tell him that had i looked in his eyes.

it hurts to do but i know it's the best decision for me right now.

" y/n, what- what are you saying?" he asks, stumbling over his words.

"i thought about this yeonjun. the things you've said to me, the things you've done. it was so easy for you to forget how to act, who's to say it won't happen again?"

"i cut ties with mara."

"it shouldn't have to get to that point. that means that you'd let this keep happening otherwise. it shouldn't get to the point of you having to choose."

"i don't wanna lose you." he weakly tells me but i shake my head.

"actions have consequences. please let me go. let's end this here." i feel the lump in my throat forming and that's the last thing i need. i can't let myself change my mind now. i've had to think about this far too long to let myself fall back in his arms. it's for the best.

"is that really what you want?" he asks and i nod, not trusting myself to talk. "then that's it."

i let out a breath i didn't know i was holding.

"i love you yeonjun."

"i love you too." he says before letting go of my hand.

i walk out without looking back, because if i do, i'll just run back to him.

‘sorry heart, i guess we’ll just have to start again.’

i let more tears fall as i walk into wooyoung's car.

"ready to go?" he asks and i nod and with that he drives off.

"you missed the exit." i told him and he just smiles.

"i know."

"where are we going?"

"who knows?"

"wooyoung."

"you need to see some scenery, get some air, and let your mind relax so that's why. remember, there's a method behind my madness. there always is." he saus smiling.

"thank you woo."

"don't. you deserve the best and i'll always be there to give you just that." he says to me making me smile.

[topazadine]

"I've Outlined Too Much and Now I Can't Write!" (Or: the Double Outline Method for Overanxious Plotters)

I see this a lot. I do this a lot. So let's talk about outlining, and how you truly can have too much of a good thing.

In 2022, I tried to write your typical boilerplate samurai novel called Birds of Japan. Standard fare: bisexual daimyō in an arranged marriage with a retainer’s daughter who prefers getting off with his karō (second in command), but slowly comes to love his wife after she helps him defeat a rival lord. Sword fights, gay sex, beheadings, abductions, etc etc, who cares.

I could have made something interesting out of it, especially if I added way more gay sex, but I got 119 pages in and never finished.

Well, that page count is disingenuous. Only 67 of those pages were actual writing.

The rest? All outline.

That’s right. Fifty-seven pages of outline. And there was even more, because I deleted the outline as I went along.

Does this sound like you? Do you have dozens of pages of outline, worldbuilding, character reference sheets, and so on? Okay, good. You're my target audience here.

If you don't have this problem, then congratulations! You are a good and moral person who doesn't torment yourself with outlines. You have nothing to learn from me in this post. You're golden.

Now, back to my fellow overplanners. Why are our Game of Thrones-sized outlines a problem? They create a lack of motivation.

Excessive Outlining Tricks Your Brain

In my post about spreadsheet word counts, I discussed intrinsic motivation, which is when you create goals and compete with yourself in order to get more done. The issue is that you can ruin your intrinsic motivation by planning too much.

This is called mental rehearsal, which Dr. Dev Rowchowdhury, a performance psychologist, explains:

Mental rehearsal involves imagined, mental practice of performing a task as opposed to actual practice. That is, when engaging in mental rehearsal, one imagines performing without having to actually do anything. Using Mental Rehearsal to Boost Your Performance and Well-Being in Sport and Exercise

This is all well and good for athletes, who cannot be physically performing their chosen sport at all times. Sometimes, they need to think through their actions and envision themselves performing it as they should.

However, it goes out the window for us writers. Yes, we do need some form of mental rehearsal, which we then capture in an outline. But if we fantasize too much, we have made our brain believe we’ve already done it. Given that we don’t need kinesthetic memory but actual execution, over-outlining is deleterious for our craft.

At other times, overplanning might cause analysis paralysis. Jodi Clark, a Licensed Professional Counselor, describes it as thus:

Analysis paralysis refers to overthinking a problem to the point that it becomes more difficult to make a decision. It often happens when people are overwhelmed by their choices or have too much information to sort through before they make a choice.  What Is Analysis Paralysis? How Overthinking Affects Your Decision Making

In short, you are doing so much thinking and planning that when you need to do the real work, you can’t because you’re overwhelmed by how much you’ve already done.

I think it is a combination of these two factors that leads to the heartbreaking posts from new writers who have spent months, or even years, daydreaming about their characters and planning their book, but then find themselves completely unable to work. They have rehearsed everything so much that now they have no motivation to continue.

But I’m not telling you to completely give up on outlining.

Planning is good, but not good when you become so rigidly obsessed with your outline that you can’t feel creative: now you’re just following orders you gave yourself and providing no space for different execution.

So, as with everything, whether that is descriptive density or characterization, you need to come to balance. How are we going to do that?

Think Once, Outline Twice

Or just be a heron. They don't think or outline. If only we all had that option.

Anyway. For this method, you will have a long outline and a fast outline. The long outline is where you get out every single thing that you want to include in a given scene, chapter, etc. Anything that you know you may want to have happen, you put it here.

This double outline example is from my beloved fanfic, "Midsummer Nightmare," but I've used this same method while writing The Eirenic Verses.

The words here don’t really matter, so don’t strain your eyes. You just need to see that it’s pretty long, a page for one chapter. I’ve mentioned the conversations, the way that everyone acts, their specific movements that show their emotions, a few snippets of what I intend to write, etc. All very helpful: I can see exactly how the story is going to go.

However, if I work off this, I don’t really have much room for creative freedom. It will feel like I’m plugging in piece after piece, line after line. I may even find myself tempted to tell rather than show because I can no longer visualize things other than what I have already told myself.

When beta reading, I can tell who used long outlines; their sentences read as if they are ripped straight off their planning document. Do not do that. Unless you have written a specific phrase in quotes that you want to use, or a really good piece of dialogue, follow this adage:

What goes in your outline stays in your outline.

You’re not using any of that; it serves as a reminder of what you actually want to write. So, now that you have things set up for yourself (but not written), you want something faster that will not stymie your creative process.

Next, make a fast outline that has only the most relevant plot points.

Much better: only a quarter of a page. I don’t have the action beat for beat, so I know I have to make it up myself in the actual writing. None of this reads as something that would actually happen in the real text (at least, I hope not) because it’s so boring and straightforward.

There are no showing details, almost no dialogue, no real feel for how the scene plays out. Now I feel like I have to get it done myself.

But! And this is a big, voluptuous but.

You Still Have Your Long Outline as a Lifeline

Because this fast outline only covers the most general of plot points, you might not include things that you really wanted to add in there, specifically regarding tension, setting, and so on. Thankfully, you’ve got it right there for you in your long outline, which you can scurry back to if you don’t know what to do next.

Sometimes we set things aside for a while and come back utterly bewildered about what we were trying to do, which is where the longer outline comes in.

We can refamiliarize ourselves with what we wanted to do, then put the long outline aside and turn back to the fast outline. This way, we’re not being tricked into thinking we’ve already done all the work.

I have already finished drafting the 8th book in my series, Perseity, and outlined the 10th, Plexity, because I did the project completely out of order. Now I have now jumped allll the way back to the very second book and will be working my way forward again. To be quite honest, I’ve already forgotten half the stuff that happens in Perseity and have a very, very vague remembrance of Plexity.

But that’s okay! When I’m finally ready to work on Perseity and Plexity, I have my long outline right there. I’ll then cut it down, just as I did before, and I will have a good working knowledge of how I want to proceed.

Many times, the long outline works as a type of “background program” as you write. You have the details in your head, but you’re not staring at them while you work, meaning you’re not tempted to copy-paste them right into your document.

Okay … I hear you complaining right about now.

“But Topazadine, that’s so much extra work! Why not have only the short outline in the first place?”

If you can work off just a few lines from the jump (or are even, dare I say it, a pantser), then that's amazing and I wish you the best of luck. However, not everyone is like that.

I'm talking to the people who plot, and plot, and plot like their lives depend on it because they get anxious not knowing where the story is going to go. Or they just get so excited about figuring out all the plot points that they kinda forget about the writing part.

So sure, it is a bit extra work: removing lines from the long outline, deciding what is so essential that you need to have it available to you, and checking back in with the long outline if you really have to.

However, this way fights the pesky mental rehearsing while still allowing you to plan ahead. It is the way that you can get it done but still have your big long comfort-object outline.

Double Outlines Give You the Best of Both Worlds

You get to meticulously plan without overwhelming yourself. You have some of the freedom that pantsers enjoy, but you also get the comfort of outlining – without sacrificing motivation.

A lot of times, I do the long outline and then never look at it again; I’ve memorized most of what I want to do and can follow the short outline. However, because I don’t have my full plans right there to review, I don’t feel like I’ve already done the work: I know I need to actually write the real thing.

This method works well for those who get anxious about the idea of pantsing but struggle to retain their motivation once they’ve completed their outline. It’s also great for those who have spent a lot of time analyzing and daydreaming about their work, to the point where they don’t even feel they need to write it.

If you often find yourself paralyzed after planning, consider double outlining.

Double outlines are simple and effective. Though they may seem like they take much more work than just a short outline, it’s actually not that hard to distill your plans into a brief. In fact, many use a similar method for developing their synopsis before they start to write, allowing them the freedom to cut everything down before they try to query.

Of course, no tool works for everyone. If you try this and don’t like it, you have my blessing to never do it again. Everyone is different, which is why writing is such a wonderful craft!

Knowing that there are other strategies can be incredibly helpful if you’re new to writing and have no idea where to start. I’m always happy to share, and I hope you get some benefit from dipping your toe into double outlining.

And, since I have demonstrated my utility to you, perhaps you'll consider purchasing my debut novel?

9 Years Yearning is a coming-of-age gay romance set in a fantasy world with poetry magic. It follows two young men as they grow from sorta-enemies, to frenemies, to friends, and finally to lovers.

If you do read it, please don't forget to leave a review!

Reviews are essential to getting visibility on Amazon, so every single one is golden to me.

[beechicory]

Seb, a few days before his final race, did a fascinating interview discussing many, many things, including:

his decision to retire being for him

the World Cup in Qatar (and when, or if, sports should go there)

sportswashing and flowery words, and

the need for F1 to put its money where its flowery words are in terms of improving human rights

that human rights, and projects to improve human rights, require funding $$$ and actions, not words and photo-ops

that F1 must be be a) transparent, and b) accountable about the money it gets and where that money goes

It's a really good discussion, and he's really thoughtful - I think that even if one were to disagree with his conclusions, you'd leave recognising his logic and sincerity (and moral conviction).

The interview, with Philipp Schneider of Süddeutsche Zeitung, was difficult to get access to (here's a link to it on archive.ph) so I'm posting the google-translated text behind the Read More. (As always when something is google-translated, we're probably missing some nuance, etc)

I really recommend reading it!

Tw for discussion of homophobia, etc.

-----------------

Conversation with Sebastian Vettel

"I want to experience happiness without having to drive for it"

Nov 18, 2022 at 6:51 p.m

Before his last race, Sebastian Vettel talks about the reasons for the end of his career, the driver's dependence on the car and material - and makes demands on Fifa and Formula 1.

SZ: Mr. Vettel, a face-to-face meeting was originally planned. Now we can at least connect by phone. That saves CO2 emissions and should be in your interest, right?

Sebastian Vettel: Absolutely. That's how it works wonderfully.

Your Formula 1 career ends on Sunday with a final race in Abu Dhabi . And a lot of people get excited because they want to know what you're going to do in the future. Does that surprise you?

Luckily, my decision doesn't affect the people, it affects me. And it's not like I got up in the morning and thought: like that! Now is the time to stop. I've been thinking about this for a long time. And even if I can't say exactly what comes after that - I'm looking forward to what comes after that!

Good to hear.

At some point, every athlete reaches the point where their career can no longer continue, for whatever reason, whether self-chosen or not. I'm not super special in that regard. The big task for me will be to find something that gives me the same level of satisfaction as I did in the years in Formula 1. One thing is certain: the big adrenaline rush and the feeling of sitting in the car will no longer exist. But that was clear to me.

We have a theory as to where the keen interest in your post-career life comes from.

How does it look?

We don't know of any professional athlete who has ever pushed his career with so much momentum during his active time. Lately one had the feeling that you are more often in the beehive than in the car and more of a political ambassador than a racing driver!

yes, good Maybe that's because there's not much to celebrate for me on the track at the moment. The sporting success in recent years has not been so outstanding that one could have said or written much about it.

You are not only leaving Formula 1 as a four-time world champion, but also as an important eyewitness. What do you think has changed the most in the past 15 years?

I think the sport, the genetics or what defines the sport is probably unchanged since Formula 1 came along. Yes, cars are changing, and so are people. But the core of Formula 1 has remained the same. I still love this sport, since I was little I've done nothing else, dreamed of nothing else, nothing else has ever really driven me. So what's different? The dimensions of the sport have grown enormously in recent years. So internationally, in Germany Formula 1 has shrunk.

Is that how you perceive it?

Formula 1 was far bigger in Germany when I started. And of course it was greatest when the boom years around Michael (Schumacher, editor's note) were around, in the mid-nineties, early 2000. Then there was another strong wave at my most successful time. But after that, interest in Germany decreased significantly.

Why is that?

On the one hand, because not all races are broadcast on free TV. But there is another important point: I am afraid that Germany is only a pioneer in terms of its view of Formula 1. There are simply more and more important issues that are coming to the fore. And that's why the question of the relevance of Formula 1 arises for many people.

But are you still a fan?

Naturally! I'm totally euphoric about our sport! That's exactly why I see how important it is to look at him critically. The way we deal with resources is not a role model, we should be much more economical. If that is not the case soon, the question will quickly arise around the world as to whether Formula 1 is still viable. And then interest should decrease everywhere, as has already happened in Germany.

Exciting theory. The general perception is rather: Formula 1 is going through the roof everywhere, just not in Germany and Brazil, because people there don't want to spend money on pay TV.

The problem is deeper. We as a society do not want to underestimate the emergency we are in. In the decades to come, we will increasingly have to ask ourselves the question: What is still possible, what can we still afford? And every sport then has to justify itself for the way in which it is played.

So not just Formula 1?

Not at all. Us first, of course, because in our sport we drive around, burn resources and still need fossil fuels. But a football World Cup, the Olympic Games, the Bundesliga too: every major event has to reinvent itself and see how it can leave a smaller footprint.

From ecological to sporting criticism: The season began with a technology amendment that was announced with great pomp and aimed at pushing the field closer together. Why has the season turned out to be the most one-sided in years?

After big rule changes there is often a gap between a top team and the rest. The goal was to make overtaking and the show better and to make it easier for us to overtake. It's gotten a little better, but the big revolution that was announced with the new rules didn't materialize. It would have been better for the sport this season to have left the rules as they were. However, a process has been started that has the potential to bring the field closer together in the coming years. Also thanks to the budget cap, not only the teams with a lot or a lot of money will win in the long term, but also the smaller teams. However, this will only happen in a horizon of five years.

It was far more exciting in 2010: you only snagged your first title in the last race. Has Abu Dhabi been a happy place for you since then?

(laughs) Well, the racetrack and what happened on the racetrack, yes! I have many fond memories of winning the 2010 World Cup. It doesn't feel like yesterday. And a lot has happened since then.

Red Bull boss Dietrich Mateschitz then said that the way to the world championship title in the next few years would only be through you. And adds: Provided he's in the right car. The sentence was prophetic: it included all the titles that followed, but also your sometimes dreary years in worse cars. A driver drives the competition to the ground in the Red Bull and fails to win a title after switching to Ferrari and Aston Martin . Do you understand critics who say: what kind of sport is that?

The dependency of a driver on the team and material is actually enormous. But even in the Bundesliga you don't really have a chance of winning the championship if you're not FC Bayern.

The difference, however, is that while a player can shine on a bad football team, it's much harder on a Haas or Aston Martin.

Formula 1 has always been like this. In the fifties, in the seventies, and it's still like that today. From this point of view, however, the past few years have been very instructive for me. In the beginning, my aspirations in Formula 1 were very much focused on success. And then success came, very quickly and very powerfully. I rode the wave for as long as the wave was available.

A wave called Red Bull , on which you won four world titles...

Well, and then in the last few years the water has been under my board (laughs) ... or the wind has been taken out of my sails. But that doesn't mean my efforts are any smaller. I learned that there is a midfield and a backfield that I didn't bother with that much before because it was too far away. In any case, something interesting also happens there: the efforts are just as great, but the reward is completely absent.

Completely?

I would say yes. And that is of course a very, very hard bread for the motivation of the teams and also the drivers. They bob around in the back for years, go unnoticed and hope that they will take the small chance to shine when they present themselves. They are not only dependent on their motivation, their skills and talent - but also on the surrounding environment. It takes a bit of luck to be in the right place at the right time. The past few years have shaped me in this respect and taught me a lot, including about myself. In that respect, I don't want to do without them, even if I could have given them all away from a sporting point of view.

When we spoke in 2018, you said: your dream isn't finished yet, you still wanted to be world champion in a red car like your role model Michael Schumacher. Do you now console yourself with the belief that you had no chance of winning the Ferrari title?

We did not make it. So I could say: We didn't stand a chance. Or I could torture myself and ask: what was missing from the car? What slowed us down in development? What was perhaps structurally not ideal? You could have recognized some things and saved yourself some mistakes. But it wasn't like that. We tried everything as a team and gave everything. Even in hindsight, it doesn't feel like I left anything behind or that I was completely off track. Yes, I think unfortunately we didn't have a real chance to fight to the end.

Because Mercedes was too powerful?

You have to be fair enough to accept that the Mercedes- Lewis Hamilton package was the best. They had a better pace of development and therefore drove better than us. Which of course is a shame. I think I can live with that now as well as with the question of whether this is the right time for me to say goodbye. Or whether it might have needed another sense of achievement.

The question then arises as to what a sense of achievement in the Aston Martin could even look like.

What is the right time? Do you need a title to finish? A won race? A fastest lap? Any climax? Those are all questions I asked myself. It's not my fault if people expect something just because it would have been a nicer story. Or when they nag because they think my career is not smooth because I drive around the back and quit anyway. I'm the only one who has to live or deal with my situation. And after all these years I know exactly what I can do. I know what it takes to win races. And I know I don't have any of that right now. I'm still so confident in myself that I say: If I'm in the right package and have the right attitude, then I can get back up there at the front. Still.

When Nico Rosberg retired after his only title, not everyone was pleased either: critics said he fled because he felt he would never defeat Lewis Hamilton again.

Even. The length of time after your career is so infinitely long. Definitely wanting to win another title is not a recipe for success for the 40 or 50 years that follow. And I was lucky enough to be able to celebrate so many titles that I don't even know which one was the best. Just because you stopped with a title doesn't mean your career after your career will be 100 percent great.

After all, Nico Rosberg made it into the TV show The Lion's Den. But because you so often talk about your career after your career and recently said in Der Spiegel that you wanted to do it like Stefan Raab: just finish and then go underground. Anyone who has followed your activities beyond the race track will understand: you want to do things differently than Stefan Raab. They create a new stage for themselves so as not to disappear afterwards.

(laughs) Time will tell. I just said that I admire it when someone manages to transform their life in such a way that they say: I don't need any of this anymore! Maybe you can now simply bring your experience, your strengths and also your knowledge, which you have brought to bear in front of the camera over the years, behind the camera. So maybe you still work in the same profession, but you don't need the limelight as much anymore.

Fortunately, more people work behind the camera than in front of the camera in Formula 1 anyway.

Honestly, I wish I could find something I'm happy with. I want to experience good luck without having to drive (laughs) .

But to your legacy as a critic of Formula 1: Formula 1 is expanding into more and more countries where human rights are not respected. Football fans are protesting in the stadiums against the World Cup, which begins in Qatar on Sunday . Are motorsport fans less political?

Good question. In controversial countries like Qatar, football was kicked off ten years ago. There may not have been a World Cup yet, but that's where clubs held their winter camps.

FC Bayern has been going to Qatar regularly for years.

For example. We as Formula 1 have been organizing races in these countries for a long time. I think our world should keep evolving. That's why certain things can no longer be considered okay.

Qatar's World Cup ambassador described being gay as "mental damage" in front of the camera in a ZDF documentary.

That is not how it works! This is outrageous!

The mantra of the Qatari whitewashers that society is becoming more liberal, you just have to keep going there, organize big events and wait a few years - isn't that obviously a misconception?

Might be. But Formula 1 is booming internationally and is opening up to a younger audience thanks to the Netflix series "Drive to Survive". And when these young people come to the races, they may hear from other spectators that unbearable tone that many women, for example, suffer from. Then the young people can raise their voices and say: Hey, that's not possible! And this is how debates may arise that will help society as a whole. What is definitely no longer possible: that someone in a country where there are human rights violations talks their way out; For example with the argument: "That's just the way it is with us. Get over it!"

Isn't it naïve to believe that such a change is taking place?

That's why I specifically demand that sport should give itself a compass, set up a moral code and then stick to it. There it is then precisely determined what the basic political requirements must be in order for sport to be allowed to take place in a country. Certain things and certain countries are simply no longer there. Too much is too much. And then we say no as Formula 1 or FIFA . And don't just nod politely and take the money or help us with any other perks the country might offer.

For example, it could say: Don't drive in countries where critical journalists are cut up with bone saws. Formula 1 has signed a ten-year contract with Saudi Arabia.

Again: homophobic comments like that of the World Cup ambassador are absolutely unacceptable. And it puts the athletes in an extremely difficult situation: us drivers in Formula One, but also the players who will take part in the World Cup. You all have to ask yourself a very difficult question: Can I or am I even allowed to practice my sport in this place?

Your Answer?

You can't expect the players to get together and decide: We're skipping this moment, this unique feature in our lives, playing a World Cup, for political reasons. On the other hand, that would be an extremely good sign. It's difficult for the players, but easier for the spectators. You just couldn't look. I myself really enjoy watching football and I love European and World Cups. But sometimes I think: If I don't watch now, don't I also punish all the players who do their best for themselves and their team and are passionate about their sport? But when I think about it that way...

Then?

If statements like those of the World Cup ambassador are made, then we simply shouldn't go to Qatar! The saying was more than backward-looking. The sport, the whole association should say: This is not the right place to do sport there.

Especially since the ambassador still gets money to show as friendly a face as possible to the outside world. He proves that nothing gets better just because sport is organized.

There's a chance. Even our Western societies have not eaten wisdom with spoons and can now say: Dear country XY, do everything as we do and everything will be fine! We also have things that should be significantly better. But if you want to accelerate change in Qatar or Saudi Arabia, then as a sport we need transparency: we have to publish the unembellished numbers of how much money we collect from the countries. And we have to clearly communicate how much of it flows back into projects that then really drive change there on the ground.

A very large and a very small number.

Allegedly. But as long as these issues remain in the background and are veiled, as long as no one knows how much money is being spent and what is being done with it, we will remain stationary. It also doesn't help if you meet somewhere and take a picture of banging a spade in the ground or planting a tree.

You went karting with young women in Saudi Arabia and published photos of it.

That was only a small gesture, but social change does not come for free. Many important projects cost money. And if a country has plenty of money to attract big sport, then some of it, even a large part, should be used to improve people's lives.

Some problems in Qatar cannot be solved by projects. Homosexuality is forbidden, the ambassador only said what is the law. So shouldn't the code you're asking for it say: don't drive in countries where same-sex lovers are jailed?

Just as. Fifa, Formula 1 and other sports associations should also consistently demand the implementation of the demands that they formulate in flowery words. And then say: You can bid as much money as you want, but we won't come. At the moment it is unfortunately still the case that as an organizer you can get away with it if you take a few nice photos. The fundamental problem is another.

That would?

There is still no authority that can demand consequences if an association does not meet the requirements it sets for itself. Formula 1 has set itself the goal of being climate neutral by 2030. Nice and good. But why can't it be checked by an independent and critical body along the way? To then live with the consequences and possible penalties, whatever they may look like? What happens if Formula 1 takes a wrong turn on the way to climate neutrality and doesn't meet its own demands? Or FIFA on the way to more equality and diversity? Unfortunately, at the moment it's like this: Formula 1 controls Formula 1, and Fifa controls Fifa.

But who should control the big associations?

There are independent instances that deal with all kinds of tests that could be won. But it would help if you didn't just set an abstract goal, but divided the way there into transparent intermediate stages. And then there's the general public, the fans in the stands, journalists reporting on it. And wouldn't that be a very, very broad, international and good control body? So I don't see why a lot of problems can't be solved with transparency.

It's a pity that you drive your last race. Actually, because of your sense of mission, you should be forced to continue to circle until retirement age.

Oh, I do not know ...

With all his love for Fernando Alonso, it is unlikely that he would be interested in anyone other than Fernando Alonso in his old racing days. And there is no one to be seen growing up as a political driver.

Every driver has his or her own issues... Maybe some drivers are still too young. But the climate issue will also come to the fore with them. Even if they don't want to.

After leaving Haas a year ago, Mick Schumacher is without a cockpit in Formula 1. Various driver's seats have become vacant in the past few weeks, but no team boss has thought of Schumacher. How do you explain that his services are not in greater demand?

It would be a shame for the sport if it lost Mick. We talked about the fact that in some cars you can't shine as a driver. And sometimes a driver and his car don't go together at all. Mick has had a difficult year, but has set his highlights and accents. As high as you sometimes fly in Formula 1, you can quickly fall again. Basically, you are never as good as people say you are. But you're never as bad as people say you are. Of course, I wish that Mick stays in Formula 1, because that would be very, very important for Germany's motorsport scene .

Nevertheless: You won your first race in the defeated Toro Rosso. Michael Schumacher amazed the world in a Jordan. How do you recognize a talent? And how do you recognize when a talent isn't that great after all?

It's a difficult subject for me: I know Mick better than most drivers and have known for a very long time. He has a lot of potential. Although he may not be the type to get in the car and run into everyone like some people are. Mick is someone who can always improve. This is his gift. But will it then come to the point where he regularly wins and competes for the title? I don't know that. Mick is still too young for such an assessment. I can only hope he gets the time to find out.

[yandere-daze]

Waa congrats on 3k daze! i've been here since 1400 (or maybe even before that. I can't quite recall) and it's really heartwarming to see my favourite writer grow so much ♡ For the event, can i please ask for the tower, the hierophant & temperance from the tarot prompts for mika? :)

Whoa, it seems like you´ve been around for quite a long time then! A lot of time has passed since the 1.4k followers event so it´s kind of impressive to hear that someone has been reading my stuff for that long, thank you for sticking around!☺️ And your favorite writer? Omg you´re flattering me and it´s working😳

And of course I´m always happy to write for Mika <3 I guess you can consider this a late birthday gift? Since I haven´t actually written any of the other stuff I´ve been meaning to write about him yet silnfls

gn reader

tw yandere, obsession, delusion, violence, allusion to murder, possessiveness, stalking, taking pictures of the reader (mentioned), worshipping the reader, implied kidnapping as a throw-away line

The Tower - If this yandere saw their darling in danger, how would they respond/react? 

Okay so if you somehow got put into a dangerous situation, there´s no way Mika is going to be unaware of it because he´s always by your side, whether that´s him just tagging along no matter where you go and being generally clingy, or him stalking you from a safe distance away to “make sure you´re safe”.

And well, either way, he´s very glad that he made that decision to stay close to you ( and totally not for his own interests) because his beloved darling actually is in danger now, right in front of him!

Of course, Mika´s first reaction is one of shock and panic but that quickly turns into a blind rage after he has fully assessed the situation.

You´re right in front of him, calling out for help while someone else is endangering you.

And Mika just can´t have that. No one is allowed to touch his darling and he sees it as his duty to save and protect you.

So how does he deal with this tense and difficult situation? Violence.

Charges in screaming, probably yelling death threats and demanding for you be let go while he jumps at the attacker´s throat, fully intent on just killing them if you weren´t there to ground him a bit.

He doesn´t want you to see him as a violent person because that wouldn´t make for a good romantic partner so Mika hesitantly refrains from actually killing this person right in front of you and instead just beats them into a bloody pulp until he´s sure that they´re never ever going to try and put you in danger again.

Immediately afterward makes sure that you´re safe and checks up on any wounds you may have suffered while offering you words of comfort ( and candy from one of his pockets). Don´t worry, he´s going to take great care of you while you recover from that horrifying situation, he´s going to serve you in any way he can!

Of course only after searching out your attacker once more on his own and actually finishing the job now. They didn´t think they could get away with putting his darling in danger, did they?

The Hierophant - Could this yandere´s darling fool them easily? Or be manipulated by them? 

Oh, it´s almost too easy in fact! Mika is an obsessed and worshipping yandere that puts his darling onto the highest of pedestals, you´re basically a deity to him.

He´s absolutely hellbent on pleasing you in any way he can, so it´s very easy to get him to do things for you. Mika will bend over backward just to hear your praise.

On that note, yes, praising him will get you pretty far and it will keep him satisfied for quite some time before he starts demanding more attention and affection from you.

He sees himself absolutely beneath you and so anything you say goes. In his eyes, it´s all to show you what a good boyfriend he could be for you by doing things for you all the time.

There´s also the fact that Mika is a very delusional yandere so as long as what you say or do fits with his ideal fantasy of you being a loving couple destined to be with each other for all eternity, he´ll believe it.

He´ll believe almost anything you say with a smile on his face because you could never be wrong.

He also just sometimes.... outright ignores things that would go against the delusions he had built himself about your relationship. All the times you accidentally let a hateful comment toward him slip? Oh, he simply didn´t hear you correctly!

The only thing that might be your downfall is Mika´s rampant jealousy though. If he has even a hint of suspicion that you might like someone else more ( even if it´s completely unfounded), he´s going to be quite a bit warier when you try to manipulate him.

The same counts for when you´ve done it too many times or have, in his eyes, “betrayed his trust”. Like trying to escape from him by making him take off your shackles.

Temperance - What made this person yandere for their darling? 

Most of all, I feel the cause of Mika turning into a yandere is a combination of his childhood and his linked self-esteem issues.

As we know, Mika was given up by his birth parents into an orphanage and he had wondered for many years if they simply found him hideous. Always wondering about why they didn´t want him.

Mika is also very touch-starved and has said that he just craves love, it doesn´t matter how much it hurts him, how painful it is.

So when he meets you, someone that is so kind to him and willing to give him the attention and love he never really got? Well, he´s smitten and quickly starts to idolize you.

Mika is experiencing a feeling he has never felt for anyone else before and he soon grows obsessed with it, wanting to keep feeling all warm and fuzzy when you look his way or give him a compliment. Wanting to finally feel alive.

And while their relationship has grown and gotten a lot healthier in recent times, Shu´s past treatment of Mika also probably had an impact on him turning out this way.

He tries to accept that he´s no longer a doll, he´s a human with his own thoughts and feelings.

And yet. And yet he still wants to be controlled by you, he wants to have a purpose by serving you and making sure that you´ll always be happy ( with him at your side of course!)

Watching you every single day and taking photos of you when you aren´t looking just makes him even more enamored with you.

Mika is convinced you´re the most wonderful and divine person that has ever walked this earth, your beauty and benevolence second to none.

And he almost thinks he doesn´t deserve you.

But maybe just this once, he wants to be selfish too