#I've been reflecting on it recently
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headcanon: shadow knights can't cry.
it takes him a long while to notice. he had never considered himself much of a crier. it wasn't that he thought there was anything wrong with crying. he was just one to keep moving, keep doing, show the people around him and under his care that it would be alright, no matter what had happened. some might accuse him of bottling for this, though whether it was selfless for others (so they wouldn't worry; so they could cry while he carried it) or selfish (so he wouldn't have to think about it, wouldn't have to feel it), up for debate. either way, he would disagree, and had whenever someone close enough to him to notice the pattern mentioned it (usually cadenza).
...the last time he remembers crying was with cadenza. it was about joh.
he didn't cry in the nether (no water can last long there; how could he? your eyes could never get wet enough. every blink in the nether is stinging).
he didn't cry when he was brought back, not for his sight, not for ungrth (more surprising, but he was in shock. nothing felt real in those days, and after, he had things to do, people to care for).
it's when he loses 15 years and he comes back to his father's death and can't shed a single tear that he finally thinks he really ought to be crying. but he isn't. he can't?
he goes to ungrth's grave and he thinks of ungrth and he thinks of hayden and he thinks of joh and he thinks of garroth and he grits his teeth, he digs his nails into his palms, he gets a headache from how tight his brows furrow, he feels an ache so intense in his chest he's gasping for breath, but his eyes are as dry as they've since the day he died (he wants to cry, he should be crying, why isn't he crying?).
his life is taken from him, replaced with facsimile. the man he trusted more than himself betrayed him, and is now lost a dimension away. he's lost fifteen years, his father passed without him present, his friend's grave has been desecrated, the places he lived in and loved and protected fallen and rebuilt, all in his absence, all to be discovered all at once. he loses nearly everything, he watches helplessly as he loses even himself. and yet...
laurance can't cry.
#how do you mourn all that you were and all that you are and all you have done and all you will do in these conditions#i imagine laurance heaving and gasping over the lake at his tearless reflection unable to cry for the blood on his hands. i die#no wonder he thinks he's a monster. he can't even give them the tears they're owed#he can't even cry for himself man... and he deserves tears so badly.....#is this anything? just something i have been thinking about recently; old hc of mine#not really meant to be a fic im just talking about my hc in a prose-like fashion but. kind of bordering on ficlet here i suppose#i didn't proofread this this is just stream of consciousness#like i wrote this right when i woke up it came to me in a vision#i also don't know why i didn't say laurance until the very end but. that is just how it came out idk#i NEEEEEEED to write fanfiction of this man it's getting dire#anywayyyy#laurance zvahl#wait what do i tag this for my blog LMAO...#zvahlne yaps#zvahlne writes#both ig#aphmau#aphblr#minecraft diaries#headcanon#aphmau headcanons#aaaaa#i've written and deleted so many hc posts i have to at least let one live LMAO
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The other day I brought up post-birthright Leo, but I think it's also interesting to look into post-birthright Camilla. Last time I mentioned that Camilla had left royal affairs, but honestly I'm not completely sure about it? That was the case for Conquest and Revelation. So I'm not sure if she did the same in Birthright? Possibly?? I'll discuss both
So obviously Camilla is very affcted by Xander's and Elise's death, which she expresses (in JP she also mentioned having bitter feelings towards Corrin for their deaths, despite her loving Corrin which is so interesting and I'm SO MAD they removed that). She saw multiple of her siblings die (possibly even having to kill them herself) in the concubine wars, which is what made her so protective over them. So the deaths of Elise and Xander were the cherry on top, I cannot imagine how she handled that.
Not only that, but she also had Selena leave for Ylisse. which... man...
And Corrin now lives in Hoshido. So she has lost almost everything at this point, except for Leo and Beruka. In the case of Corrin it may have been good that they don't live close anymore, at least in the beginning because of her bitter feelings? I think she would need some sort of break.
So at the end of Birthright she either stayed with Leo, as he was the only sibling she had left (technically) and wanted to cherish the fact, or she completely ditched everything after his coronation to start anew as she couldn't handle all the shit and all the death anymore. She doesn't deem herself a good enough ruler, so perhaps the role of a princess is growing ever so tiresome in the worst ways, her childhood repeating itself, even though she swore on her life it wouldn't. And she can't take it anymore. So she leaves.
Though she would still visit castle Krakenburg as her love for Leo remains unchanged.
All in all... uh... I love Camilla and I wanted to let this out. Thank you for coming to my ted talk where I just stated the obvious about her character.
#Recently I've been reflecting on some stuff and I think I was KINDA misled by fanon on some aspects? So I had to verify stuff#like her leaving Leo on BR... I'm not completely sure bc I don't think it's stated anywhere#anyway hehe I love camilla soso so much kisses her over and over#camilla fire emblem#camilla#fire emblem#fire emblem fates#fe14#valposting#babygirl tag <3
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Quick piece of @luluyamofficial 's character Lucelia + a 30 second speedpaint!
#my art#digital art#gift art#artists on tumblr#i hope you dont mind being mentioned!#stretches#anyway theres something that clicks in me with these characters#It feels tricky to describe#Because these characters are so personal and symbolic to the artist and I've only recently begun looking into them#I cant claim to fully know and understand them#I feel some sort of odd way saying something like that#but I do love is seeing this way of expression through characters that align in ways that are similar to how I operate with my own#These stories and characters crafted to be reflective of the artist's life and experiences and self perception#I love to see these little pieces- the glimpses of understanding for whats being conveyed#I love understanding and there are things I believe I do understand in some ways as they pertain to mental health and the relationship#to the self#but Understanding is secondary to enjoying seeing the expression of lived experience#coughs#anywhey. i hope you like the piece!#I've been turning these guys around in my head for a few days and have felt compelled to show appreciation for what I see#the general genre and type of work isnt what I've found myself drawn to in the past so ive been enjoying the Brain Expansion#bugs#roaches#cockroaches
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Is the sister of Porky that Petunia's a friend of also the sister that smokes hams?
LOL I MEAN... i've only ever interpreted him as having one sister per The Case of the Stuttering Pig, so i guess that would track...!
which reminds me, as a refresher for new followers here iiiiis Porky's hypothetical family! i scribbled these in 2023 before i had this blog, so there might be some tweaking, who knows... first one was the first ever drawing i did of them so i'm including for posterity:
heavily based off of, again, his family in Case of the Stuttering Pig--Petunia is his sister in that one and obviously we can't really have that LOL SO. BOOM. i gave Priscilla red hair since Porky has red hair in that one TLTS flashback... and i think i accidentally stole her name from Porky's daughter in Bah Humduck. oops!
i'm pretty sure that this was the first domino to fall in constructing this extremely intricate family lore i have in my head but have been holding off on saying, just so the surprise can be greater--coming up with it inspired me to return back to my actor au during a time i thought i never would, so! it's fun to think about. especially considering how often Porky brings up having a family
the smokes ham comment is nothing though--in one radio broadcast, Porky says that his brother is fighting for the military overseas "in a can of spam"(!!!)
#i still have to think about What They All Do but i was thinking recently that maybe Porky is the only one who actually graduated high school#since it was more common to drop out for working reasons or military or helping around the house (farm in this case)#college would've been out of the question because his family wouldn't have the money for it and he wouldn't want to travel anyway#too much of a homebody... but i think being the only one to graduate probably gives him a lot of guilt#IUNNO in another radio thing he starts to say that he hates school which surprised me but for my purposes i've turned that sentiment into#a reflection of the shame he doesn't quite grow out of in being the only real one to 'go places'#(though this is subject to change as i ruminate on what these guys do)#✉️#also for people who are like 'WHAT' in reference to this ask it's a reference to the short Paying the Piper he says his sister smokes hams#in a butcher shop. horrifying
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Woah Michi’s a whore! Cool :D (jk)
Is it too spoilery to ask about how Ryuu would react if he got hit on?
alksjdf LISTEN I'm jUST SAYING Michi COULD GET IT, that is VERY DIFFERENT from whether or not he is CURRENTLY GETTING IT OKAY 😂😂😂😂
Ooooooooh I feel like Ryuu is technically a spoiler??? But I do also kind of want to answer it ahahahahaha, since it's less something that will actually happen in the plot and more a matter of revealing aspects of his characterization 😂 So if you'd like the answer regardless of any potential details it might inadvertently spoil, it'll be under the Read More LOL!!!!
Hitting on Ryuu is always a mistake LMAO, because if he's not interested, the unfortunate flirt will experience the most humiliating rejection of their life, and if he does decide to take the bait, the still-unfortunate flirt will very quickly find the tables have been turned on them and they are suddenly the one being pursued instead with no idea how it happened 😂 Like in my head, Ryuu is, like, the Worst Best Time you will have. As a personality, you can tell he's Bad News, except he's really good at being charming—he's ambitious and confident and weirdly dependable, and also he Will Not call you back no matter how good a time you have, because he does not register you as a person and the idea of taking your feelings into account just. Does not cross his mind 😂😂
#replies#mbnssb#my brother's not so secret boyfriend#it's worth noting that my current thoughts on the characters don't necessarily reflect how they develop by the time they actually debut!!#but also I've been working on how to do Ryuu's introduction into the plot so I've been thinking about him a LOT recently LOL#the 12 people who follow me on tumblr for MBNSSB can have that exclusive bit of info ahahahaha
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people really do not know what they're talking about when it comes to Elizabeth Woodville's social status, huh?
#yes Elizabeth was without a doubt considered too low-born to be queen#no she was not a commoner and nobody actually called her that during her life (so I'm not sure why people are claiming that they did?)#Elizabeth's social status was not a problem in itself; it was a problem in the context of queenship and marrying into royalty#Context is important in this and for literally everything else when it comes to analyzing history. Any discussion is worthless without it.#obviously pop culture-esque articles claiming that she was 'a commoner who captured the king's heart' are wrong; she wasn't#But emphasizing that ACTUALLY she was part of the gentry with a well-born mother and just leaving it at that as some sort of “GOTCHA!”#is equally if not more irresponsible and entirely irrelevant to discussions of the actual time period we're studying.#Elizabeth *was* considered unworthy and unacceptable as queen precisely because of her lower social status#her father and brother had literally been derided as social-climbers by Salisbury Warwick and Edward himself just a few years earlier#the Woodvilles' marriage prospects clearly reflected their status (and 'place') in society: EW herself had first married a knight and all#siblings married within the gentry to people of a similar status. compare that to the prestigious marriages arranged after EW became queen#Elizabeth having a lower social status was not 'created' by propaganda against her; it fueled and shaped propaganda against her#that's a huge huge difference; it's irresponsible and silly to conflate the two as I've seen a recent tumblr post cavalierly do#like I said she was considered too low-born to be queen long before any of the propaganda Warwick Clarence or Richard put out against her#and the fact that Elizabeth was targeted on the basis of her social status was in itself novel and unprecedented#no queen before her was ever targeted in such a manner; Clearly Elizabeth was considered notably 'different' in that regard#(and was quite literally framed as the enemy and destroyer of 'the old royal blood of this realm' and all its actual 'inheritors' like..)#ngl this sort of discussion always leaves a bad taste in my mouth#because it's not like England and France (et all) are at war or consider each other mortal enemies in the 21st century#both are in fact western european imperialistic nations who've been nothing but a blight to the rest of the world including my own country#yet academic historians clearly have no problem contextualizing the xenophobia that medieval foreign queens faced as products of their time#and sympathizing with them accordingly (Eleanor of Provence; Joan of Navarre; Margaret of Anjou; etc)(at least by their own historians)#Nor were foreign queens the “worst” targets of xenophobia: that was their attendants or in times of war commoners or soldiers#who actually had to bear the brunt of English aggression#queens were ultimately protected and guaranteed at least a veneer of dignity and respect because of their royal status#yet once again historians and people have no problem contextualizing and understanding their difficulties regardless of all this#so what is the problem with contextualizing the classism *Elizabeth* faced and understanding *her* difficulties?#why is the prejudice against her constantly diminished & downplayed? (Ive never even seen any historian directly refer to it as 'classism')#after all it was *Elizabeth* who was more vulnerable than any queen before her due to her lack of powerful foreign or national support#and Elizabeth who faced a form of propaganda distinctly unprecedented for queens. it SHOULD be emphasized more.
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[478] "watch me"
#I've been feeling unmotivated recently sorry if that reflects in my ethos#:(#etho#ethoslab#etho fanart#ethoslab fanart#day 478
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my favorite bit of 2010s nonsense was when people were mad at becky albertalli for writing books about gay people when she wasn't gay and then she came out and turns out she's just not a good writer
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when you think about it, it's actually kind of wild that i was convinced i wasn't disabled my entire life. i was literally delayed in walking for years because my legs were casted and then braced up so much they were unusable. instead of mobility aids, i was provided skateboarding knee pads so i could shuffle around outside and feel included with the other kids.
HOW WAS I EVER CONVINCED BY PEOPLE THAT IM NOT DISABLED???
#why wasn't i given crutches????#oh right because then i might learn to rely on them and would need them my whole life#now instead i just have tons of knee and hip problems#i've been doing a lot of disability related reflection recently#heds#hypermobile ehlers danlos#hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome#disability things#chronic illness#chronic pain#disability#funnylittle ramblings
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I'm still intentionally for my own safety not saying anything about my stances on anything happening in the Middle East. So please do not try to interpret any part of what I am saying as evidence of my opinions. But I am observing that regardless of my personal stance, I feel a lot safer as a Jewish person in the small rural super red pro Israel town in Georgia that I'm moving to than I have felt being Jewish in any of the predominantly white non-Palestinian pro-Palestine spaces I've encountered on the left. Obviously this safety comes with conditions, and I don't need anyone lecturing me about what my new neighbors really think of me, but it bears saying that if you want us to feel welcome in your spaces a good way to start is by not reducing everything our culture has centered around for thousands of years to modern day colonizer bullshit when we've been here the whole time. And if you don't want us to feel welcome in your spaces, you don't get to claim that you aren't being bigoted.
#jumblr#this is not an invitation to make assumptions about my thoughts about Palestine#this post has been carefully crafted to not give an indication of my beliefs at all so pls don't act like i'm saying anything i'm not#you don't get to read into my feelings of safety either#this is specifically intended to make white leftist pro-palestine spaces reconsider their attitudes towards my people#i know this is probably going to get more attention than i want but i've been Reflecting a lot recently
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bleh. Rambling in the tags might delete later. Nothing concerning just disorder stuff I try to avoid being too public about haha
#Recently came to the conclusion that me—Harbor—and Basil are different people and me being a seal isn't a kin thing but what I literally am#as an alter. As in I formed as a seal/selkie.#I'm not turning this into a system account because we have been there done that and it just wasn't fun for us. Not to mention I don't like#being too public about having DID anyway as I've already said. I might update the carrd to reflect this I'll just need to find a way to wor#it that isn't obviously related to a disorder. I guess I could just say I'm literally a seal but I feel like people don't take it seriously#when you say you're *literally* something? Anyway. This won't effect the account in any way. Basil and I are pretty much always co-con#I just wanted to put this out there#harbour.txt
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Urge to finally make a proper personal, twt and bluesky :|
#mobile.#Lyra’s rp blog has been the only social media i've had for like almost a decade now#i want to finally be active in wider fandom!!#not ever leaving here obvs but u know#i've been reflecting recently about how hard it is for me to share my creations outside of this community#bc u guys are all so lovely and supportive and it's been v healing#but. i want to get some of my writing published#and i actually really struggle to write and share bc of the pressure of a perceived audience#i think fan works would be a gr8 training ground#i wanna dive in finally
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i hope u kno i think ur tf2posting is awesome because i am too scared to play it (pvp....) but really love tf2 anyway
AWW THANK YOU SO MUCH I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR GENUINELY!!!!!!<333 i love sharing honestly it feels so special...not to get sappy again but this is my first video game experience like that, since tf2 is the first like. multiplayer shooter i've ever played and it's just. so nice when someone teaches me how to do silly stuff like the "intel funny" or when i have the honor of participating in a server-wide dance party. it's just so!!! well. nice and really cool honestly :]
#ask#like. total strangers i may not stumble upon again are making my day better just because i think we just. like being nice to eachother#deep down kind of#as i said that thrusting sniper may not know how hard that made me laugh and the dude who said 'good job' to me also might not know how#special i felt but. well i feel all of that and i'll remember it. do you get me#love forever ok?#and honestly! i know some fears are hard to overcome i was definitely shaking when i joined into my first match but people are really ok#most of the time! and if they aren't honestly just hit the bricks! if i'm not having fun or see an asshole i usually que for another game#2fort i feel like is also super forgiving since people are kind of expecting silly players? but even on idk payload maps nobody gave me any#trouble for being a 50 minutes of playtime noob pyro. and you get better the longer you play like genuinely!#like with the whole spy thing. you start to get a feel for when someone is acting suspicious#recently i've also been unlearning going with the rocket launchers against pyros but that also took like. 5 reflected rocket deaths to#really stick. ok i'm rambling now but it can be a wonderful game :3#i know this all might sound silly but i started like. kind of genuinely playing games only last summer so discovering all of these new#things is just ahh!!! it's so cool!
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/ so I finally updated my rules and verses pages to reflect current activity and such since they were a bit outdated. if you haven't checked them in a long time, pleeeease at least skim them again! I think I mostly got everything, but I'd realized I hadn't properly updated them since shortly after I made this blog. 🙇♀️
#{ bravewolf mun }#/ part of the updates are cleaning things up and reflecting more recent stuff/decisions (some I updated without saying so along the way)#part of it is that like. previously I was trying to like. force myself to comply with some loc game aspects#bc I figured nobody would wanna write with me if my muse was strictly a JP portrayal#but the more I tried to use any Yuri-specific loc aspects the more uncomfortable I became with them (esp personality conflicting moments)#and the more I thought abt it I realized like... why am I trying to force myself to write things that make me so angry#and I slowly but surely started to yeet them all out one by one along the way#and by the time I realized it my rules no longer reflected my decision to be strictly JP based#I just genuinely used to be worried nobody would wanna write with a version of a character they didn't know#so I rly appreciate everyone still writing with me even if they aren't familiar with my specific muse#I recognize he's very different than what most ppl in the west know and I was rly just#afraid of ppl not wanting to write with me thinking my muse was too ooc but like#they're just practically two very different people in a lot of core ways#I know it shouldn't be a big deal that ppl are writing with me bc of this but... it is!!!#I rly thought ppl would be turned off writing with me out of lack of familiarity with the version I play#but you've all been rly nice to me abt it and I've been able to develop my muse freely the way I'm happy and comfortable with#and I'm not afraid to be up front with which version I play now so ummm idk thank u guys ;n;#just mentioning it bc I know my rules prob look a lot more firm abt my position on my muse now#aside from that stuff there are a few odd end updates and rewordings in there! /
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do you ever hear the phrase "I was so scared of wasting a day that I nearly wasted my life" and have it haunt you for a month
there are so many times I've felt like I simply lost years, and you'll finally do something and realize you spent six months saying "I should do that soon" without doing anything or "I should get back to that" each day for months on end
#this post is primarily about a mix of gender and writing stuff#but there's also a lot recently where I've felt like I came to thinking when did it become too late to do anything#I spent the last 8 months unsure what was happening with hrt treatment and it took 10 minutes to get the next process to start happening#instead of waiting unsure#(to be fair my doctor was just On Leave for 4 of those months but still)#and likewise it has been six months since I properly worked on my novel and it kills me inside not doing so#but it's also about like#idk missing people that just kind of drift away and u never really noticed when it just kind of happened and suddenly its been forever#it is a Rough Melancholy Evening#and while this is also celebrating the fact I did get the hrt ball rolling again#and trying to really pump myself up to return to The Shape of a Lie to finish a shareable draft with my friends#I think I spent a lot of July just kind of mourning many months of these things being on standby because I was afraid of wasting a day#and wasted half a year again#anyway love u guys I had a little bit to drink at a work party tonight and it made me sad and reflective lmao <3
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i feel like there are some ppl online who genuinely cannot handle the idea that the characters that they enjoy as fictional constructs, they would v much dislike if they were real people. this kind of goes hand in hand with this impulse i've noticed in a lot of fandoms to sand down a lot of a character's more unpleasant or unpalatable bits into a bland generalized Good Person™ with the right progressive politics and appropriate amount of empathy. idk where i was going with this everyone should be big-brained like me and enjoy some war criminals
#textphelia#and blah blah obligatory ''the people who do this are also always the most obnoxious dipshits you could interact with'' statement#idk i've been going down some rabbit holes recently and it made me reflective#no i won't tell you what they are#unless you're a mutual in which case idk hit dat dm
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