#funnylittle ramblings

[funnylittlelad]

when you think about it, it's actually kind of wild that i was convinced i wasn't disabled my entire life. i was literally delayed in walking for years because my legs were casted and then braced up so much they were unusable. instead of mobility aids, i was provided skateboarding knee pads so i could shuffle around outside and feel included with the other kids.

HOW WAS I EVER CONVINCED BY PEOPLE THAT IM NOT DISABLED???

[funnylittlelad]

there's something so uniquely humiliating and vulnerable about having to appeal to other people to see your disability. it's like exposing the most raw parts of myself, parts i am still learning to live with and accept, and asking for just the simple human act of thought. it isn't ableist or weird to acknowledge someone's disability and act accordingly. it doesn't make you better to treat someone exactly the same despite their disability. it makes you ableist.

[funnylittlelad]

btw i don't care how you feel about someone. i don't care what your history is. if someone is disabled and you are going out of your way to make life with their disability harder, especially when you could just as easily not without any impact to your day, you are ableist. even people you don't like deserve basic human dignity. if you wouldn't misgender me just because you don't like me and you understand that's transphobic, why can't you understand that it's ableist to go out of your way to make my life physically harder for the same reason?

[funnylittlelad]

i swear one day i'll get back to being present and posting fics again but for some reason the disability is disabling me at the moment??? weird

[funnylittlelad]

life update, or a not-quite-so-funny story about disability, loss, and academia:

i go to school. i did well enough in community college to earn a place in all the honors classes i wanted, started a new wave of activism on my campus, and then got into what was meant to be a fancy program and transferred. now by the time i started the transfer process, i had already been going to the doctors. doctors who told me i was fine, i needed more exercise, i need to learn to just live with my body how it is, and there's nothing wrong. so, i had an idea something was up and i was worried. what if i start this whole big new thing and i end up actually being really sick? then i hear some amazing news from the program! they've had a student who had become ill and needed to take time off and were able to do so without an issue! great! well, i won't get into all the stress-inducing, symptom-worsening stuff that happened in between, but i will say this: it was utter bullshit.

there was a week last october where i buried someone incredibly important to me and a few days later received a hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome diagnosis. A diagnosis i knew was coming by this time, but was hard all the same. i tried desperately to arrange time off. i had just started a new student organization that was, once again, trying to start a new wave of activism on campus, but i was (and still am) grieving so many things, including my own living body. when i tried to ask, beg, plead for just one semester off- just one- i was essentially told no. i asked about a medical leave, since i was told about that student who got sick and needed time. i was informed i either had to drop out entirely or go part time and risk my funding. they were nice enough to find a work around for me to stay on part time without sacrificing funding. it wasn't enough. it wasn't even a good idea.

i needed time to not be a student, student leader, or activist. i needed time to grieve and stop putting my health to the side and build back as much as i could. i was terrified because of how things were worded that if i left now they would make it harder for me to come back. so, i decided to tough it out.

here's the thing about disability: it can't be toughed out.

i didn't have the capacity to deal with it all and so many things were neglected by me because of it. my grades have suffered and so have i. now, i spent a year of school that did almost nothing for me as a student but instead stressed me out to the point of barely being able to function because of how bad my physical symptoms have gotten.

i'm dropping out for now. i have like a year left and i can't make it through as i am. my mobility has declined so much and i've lost a notable amount of weight. i can't be in school and focus on getting the medical care i need. it feels like i wasted so much fucking time when all i needed was a break to deal. and now i can't stop thinking about the student i heard about who got so sick and the school was able to help and provide a break for and i realized the difference. they had something they could make better. they had something they saw a horizon on. i don't. they don't trust i wont need more breaks so they refused to give me even the one.

oh, and after not giving me the time off i begged for, causing my grades to suffer, they now want half my funding for the last semester back.

at least im leaving that campus with better access to gender neutral bathrooms? i don't know im just trying really hard to find a bright side.

[funnylittlelad]

this influx of faceless and bioless users following me... who are you? are you bots? are you a new wave of users? i can't tell based off these urls anymore😭😭 if you're a person please do something to indicate it... the bots are among us and i am drowning

[funnylittlelad]

so quick question:

do y'all not feel weird as hell interacting with a trans person when you have harry potter references all in your user and on your blog?

I AM TRANS

i don't want anything to do with hp or that busted ass writer jk rowling on my tumblr. thanks for the support on my stuff truly, but don't be in my notifs with an hp reference anywhere visible unless u want an insta block like this is not a matter of preference bc rowling's preference is that i don't exist. fuck off with this harry potter nostalgia bullshit already.

***IF YOU OPENLY SUPPORT JK ROWLING BE CAREFUL WHO YOU'RE INTERACTING WITH IM AUTISTIC TOO IDC WHAT YOUR SPECIAL INTEREST IS***

[funnylittlelad]

i've been writing gay cowboy stuff to heal my soul and i think i've created a problem im about 60k in now and i don't know how to stop... SOMEONE STOP ME

[funnylittlelad]

a few things:

1. new page of the jack fic will be out TOMORROW

this is because i've decided to move some chapter borders and add some things, making it longer.

2. after this page there will be a brief hiatus

i need to focus on my medical needs atm as i grapple with tons of doctors and all the symptoms. i will likely give myself enough time to miss 1-2 updates, but they will continue! they're done! they just need editing and energy that i don't have to expend.

3. blurbs and one shots may still be posted during this time

either blurbs/ficlets that are unrelated to the jack fic or the one offs that Are related to it may still be posted. i have some shorter things done that are much more feasible for me. i'll still be relatively active on here as well. i'm going to try to get out some fic rec lists and such during this time too! if anyone has any good suggestions send me an ask with them!

please feel free to send me questions or comments via my askbox about any of my fics during the hiatus! i'm just not posting, but i'll still be here and i'm more than happy to chat about my fics!

[funnylittlelad]

men only want one thing and it's disgusting (it's to be loved)

[funnylittlelad]

hi i saw my favorite band of a decade last night for the first time during the anniversary tour of my favorite album and it fucked so hard i was nearly sent into another dimension but the best part??

they played a song i based a fanfic on and i nearly lost my fucking mind bc i've been considering rewriting it. it's not one people really care abt but it's one i do and it's near and dear to my heart so if u haven't checked out Walking In Circles and you like you some mechanic!eddie and angst maybe do so? i'll be editing and adding at some point!

[funnylittlelad]

it's insane how much i've been writing recently. i'm slowly clawing my way back.

[funnylittlelad]

oh no... i started thinking about a twilight steddie au and... oh no..... i may start to write it... please someone stop me (but don't)

[funnylittlelad]

not to be depressing but:

i have been sitting with a semi-official hEDS diagnosis for days. if my genetic test comes back clear of anything else, that's it. i finally have my answer for why my body is Like This. i know what's up and i can do something about it. except i'm so used to being told that whatever we thought was the problem isn't and it's time to move on to the next thing. that part is over now and idk... i guess i just never thought i'd end up with a diagnosis other than early onset arthritis. it isn't as liberating as i'd hoped it'd be. now that i know, i know there are things i've lost that i can never get back. i know that there was a chance it didn't have to be this bad, if my parent with hEDS had been proactive and acknowledged it. i know the risks that i didn't sign up for, but have to take anyways by virtue of being alive in this body. i've been trying to feel like it's not that big of a deal since i've lived with it this long anyways, but it's not really working. my life looks different now and i'm admittedly struggling to adjust. my health has deteriorated so much in the last year alone. i'm scaling back on school and scaling up on doctors. i don't even care about the consequences for school anymore. i just want to feel like a person again.

[funnylittlelad]

i try not to get too involved in discourse but:

call me crazy but imma always write joyce as part jewish with the same maiden name as winona. as a latinx person, i'm kindly not recognizing the white actress they're trying to tell us is latina with that last name. as a person who grew up in a heavily jewish community, i like to write characters as jewish when it makes sense. the anon who came for my bf for the same thing implying he's racist can actually eat rocks and so can anyone else who tries to say the same thing. what's more problematic is a white person playing a latina but i guess we're more concerned that we might be implying people's fav characters are jewish. not weird of y'all whatsoever.

[funnylittlelad]

as a person that moved to a small christian farm town from a jewish area in the mountains as a kid and was literally called a freak and got into nerdy stuff and metal in high school and who also has an abusive father named Al and grew up in poverty with undiagnosed neurodivergency... eddie munson can be so personal and i think that's beautiful