#I've been on a ROLLERCOASTER emotionally but I think I'm feeling better now

[crispycreambacon]

I'm trying to make a funny hit tumblr post (trademark) about what I've been going through over the past hour, but man, sometimes you just can't make emotional vulnerability funny 😔

[devitalise]

IMO im sending this so early NOT because I'm trying to beat you (though it does feel nice 🤭) but I'll be offline during our usual end-of-month wrap-up + i SHANT make you wait long!!! HOW DID AUGUST GO! I read ur goodreads review on The Picture of Dorian Gray but I'm dying to hear more 👁️ + do u think you're gonna try and shift into ~fall vibes~ for reading now (whatever that means to you) or continue to go with the flow?

hi cas this was such a jumpscare getting this over a week ago but i'm glad you were able to beat me! of course there's a new autumnal vibe in the books i'll be reading i've even updated my discord profile (goodbye summer kendall you were great)

but i can go into more detail in the

august book wrap up

(2 days early but i'm not finishing a book in 2 days)

The Picture of Dorian Gray (The Original 1980 Uncensored Edition) by Oscar Wilde

well i read a book. there were some really interesting threads in this, i thought Dorian being a narcissistic weirdo was cool to read about, but other than the end of the book taking a much darker turn, i did't find much about this impressive. i don't like reading books expecting them to work harder for me to enjoy them, but i struggled to want to read this.

Must I Go by Yiyun Li

wasn't what i expected it to be, not really a fan of what it was. you give me an 88 year old woman who's survived her eldest daughter's suicide and raised her granddaughter and is looking after her greatgrandaughter and what do we do? we spend almost 200 pages of her dissecting the journal of some random man who ended up marrying his cousin and lived his whole life not knowing he had said daughter? why. i don't care! i don't care!!!!!!! and then when Lila (the character in question) did talk about herself, her mother having her dreams crushed in her marriage, her three marriages and further 4 children, it's just brushed over and kind of shrugged at. none of the "important" men in her life are alive and yet they took up so much of the book. whatever you keep dead people alive in your memory but other than being reminded how selfish and uncaring Lila was there wasn't much about this i felt positive about. wouldn't recommend, went straight in my donation pile.

Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay by Elena Ferrante

i finally did it. what a rollercoaster! i absolutely hate reading first person books when i find the character annoying. not to say a bad person, or morally defunct or anything. just plain old annoying. Elena Greco is annoying. fine in the first 2 as she's 10-22 years old and it's expected, but the third book sees her in her mid 20s early 30s and i genuinely wanted to throw this book at a wall. i struggle to see this as a tale of friendship at this point just because like. they aren't friends??? they're two women who at this point are bound by history and maybe that's the point but i want better for Lila and she remains the star of the show

The Story of the Lost Child by Elena Ferrante

i finished the quartet and feel emotionally wrung out. this was going fine but i think it's around 350 pages in there's a full blown "relationship" between Lila's 24 year old son and Elena's 15 year old daughter???? reading from the perspective of an awful mother was so jarring, too. really enjoyed the series, i just feel like i felt very untethered towards the end and i just wanted it to end

september / autumnal reads

i'm annoyed that i've ended up in such a white reading space so will be fixing that for sure. also need a romance, i haven't read one i've liked this year! something fun is overdue. i have some horror books picked out but that's not for a little while yet. i don't see myself picking up anything new (maybe?) so i'll just be picking from what i already bought, trying some contemporary reads that have been rotting on my shelf for the past year

[loganstopsurgerydiary]

I realized I was trans when I was 21, but for personal reasons I was not able to begin transitioning until this past year. I started hrt on April 12 2022, and my life has since taken a swift and drastic turn for the better. I've never been happier!

I never believed hrt would ever be possible for me, and so it didn't even really occur to me that top surgery was a real option now until I was a few months on t. It had always felt like such a pipe dream. It was a shock to realize that this was a pipe dream that could now become real! I began doing serious research around maybe 3 months on hrt.

I did what I imagine most people do. I searched surgeons near me on topsurgery.net and made a list and put pins in a map to see them all. After a little more research, I narrowed them down to a few potentials.

I noticed some people have very specific results they're looking for. They may even fall in love w a surgeon and travel across the country. I feel a lot more flexible. In truth, I'm just happy to be here, in this place I truly and wholeheartedly didn't think I'd live to see. Besides, i dont think I can really anticipate what my results will look like: it will be what it will be, and if there are cosmetic issues, they will be issues I can learn to deal with. Problems can arise with any surgeon, and I think as long as I pick a professional I trust, that's as far as I can control the outcome. So I was not picky with my options.

2 surgeons offices got back to me. I scheduled consults with them both.

At this point of time, I was experiencing a surprising rollercoaster of emotions I had not at all anticipated. For years before this moment, I was nothing but eager. If I could have flung myself onto thr surgeons table, I would have done it at the drop of a hat. But now that it was real and in front of me and I actually had to wrestle with my emotions about it, I experienced a shocking hesitation.

To this day I can't define these emotions exactly. I discussed it in therapy a lot with my wonderful therapist, who offered a lot of insight, but I never had an aha moment where I could name exactly what I was feeling. (I got a therapist specifically for my transition, knowing it would trigger other events in my personal life that would rock me emotionally and I'd need some help learning to manage my emotions. She's been fantastic.) It's possible that I still can't name these emotions because I'm still feeling them! Truth be told, I do not know. I'm usually pretty decent at identifying my feelings, but no matter how much I journaled, these ones were unfamiliar to me.

I spent a long time asking myself what I was scared of. Did i not want surgery after all? No, I decided, that was a resounding no: I wanted a flat chest. That I knew. Was I pushing myself too fast emotionally? Did I need to slow my transition down and let myself adjust? This was possible, though every conscious part of me didn't want to take anything any slower. I'd waited 27 years, and every other change I'd experienced had been like taking a first breath of relief. I'd never wanted to slow down before. Was I just afraid of surgery, having only had one bad experience with a wisdom tooth surgery in the past? Also certainly possible.

I had nightmares about hospital rooms, surgeons with rusty knives, waking up without anesthesia, and stitches popping and my skin falling open while I tried to pull myself back together. At 19, I'd gotten my wisdom teeth removed in the basement of a residential house, reacted poorly to the anesthetic, and had painful infections for a year. And who LIKES surgery?

I also knew my family wouldn't be involved in this process, and I felt nervous having surgery and taking what felt like a very daunting step in my journey without them. It would be nice to have them as part of my support system, but I knew I had to come to terms with the fact that they were not capable of being parents to me in all aspects of my life.

While I grappled with these confusing feelings, I was also making a plan to save money to pay out of pocket and filling out paperwork for the offices I was communicating with. For a few brief moments, with my credit card bill in front of me and nightmares of rusty knives and blood fresh on my mind, I wondered if I wouldn't be able to have surgery at all. Maybe this was too hard.

I've been extremely lucky and extremely supported since the beginning of this year, and I'm happy to say I got over these roadblocks.

I want to be helpful and give you advice if you're dealing with similar thoughts. I think I needed time to adjust to the idea that top surgery was real now, and that I was very alive and very lucky and good things were possible for me. I needed time to visualize a happy surgery, one without nightmares. Luckily, I didn't need all that much time comparatively. After a few months of therapy,a lot of journaling, and watching more youtube videos of peope having positive healing experiences and visualizing myself in their shoes, I became at peace with my decision and felt the excitement I had been expecting to feel the whole time.

I had 1 consult by this point w Dr raphael. I'd done my consult online only, since he's a little far from me. I sent in photos of my chest and talked at length with the secretary. I haven't met the dr yet, but I don't really feel the need to. He's done beautiful work on other people--thats good enough for me. Soon after sending in my photos, the office got back to me with a quote for surgery. I'm paying a fantastically cheap 7500 out of pocket, 1200 of which is a down payment.

I'm not wealthy, as I'm sure you can imagine. But I had a very good feeling about dr raphael, so I canceled the other consult, even though the other office could have potentially taken my insurance, and I scraped together the money for the down payment. This was a hard decision to make because I know I don't make much money, but I loved dr raphaels results and I had such a good gut feeling about him that I decided to take the leap anyway. I have marketplace insurance anyway--it's possible they wouldn't have covered the other office in the end.

I'm currently saving up the money to cover the time I'll be away from work, and I'm very happy to say I'm nearly done saving that. After that, I'll save up the money for the rest of the out of pocket cost. However, I will be financing what I won't have saved by the time April comes around. I've already set up a loan with a Healthcare credit bank recommended by the drs office, which was shockingly easy to apply for. If you'd like me to give you more info on that, I'd be happy to! Just send me a message.

And that's pretty much got you up to speed. I'm anxiously waiting my date, trying to be as frugal as possible. My luck in being here at this moment and having this opportunity is not lost on me. I know this is something I'm very blessed to have. Beginning hrt snd now getting this surgery date have been two of the best things to ever happen to me. Sometimes I wonder about what would have happened had I not had the courage to begin transitioning, and all I can say is that I'm somehow living the best possible life available to me. Even a year ago, this was not possible for me. But the karma wheel turned. If you aren't in this place with me yet, you can be in the future. If you are here, I'm excited for you! I hope this post and my future posts are a good resource for you.

I will continue to update as more happens. If you want to ask me anything about my experience, feel free!

[cryoriku]

hey you know it's really awesome and cool when ur a grown adult and after getting in a fight with ur mother who still insists on disrespecting and mocking you at any chance, ur adoptive father who has only ever been a source of fear since you were very little calls and instead of screaming at you he's very level and is legitimately concerned about my mental state.

some of his takes are still very shitty. even tho i routinely try the pacifist approach with her she can't stop mocking me and disregarding my boundaries and he acknowledges how aggressive she can be, he still puts the burden on me to be better and suck it up for the sake of maintaining a relationship (which is bs. both sides need to work or i shouldnt have to put up with it after all the abuse i dealt with as a child). and he thinks i need to just get back on meds which is such a backwards stereotype way of thinking that isnt accurate bc i stopped my last new meds bc they didnt really do much for me and gave me bad side effects.

it makes me feel like shit and embarassed now for being depressed and like all the efforts i have been making on getting out of my apartment more often and eating healthier and stuff arent being seen and just the worst of me is. it sucks too bc our mental health took a new redive after one of our ex's told us how we seem to not want to get better. which is an insanely fucked up thing to say and not worth listening to so we have tried to just ignore it but it haunts us still along with toxic ex friends whove talked about how pathetic and disgusting we are for being mentally/emotionally weak. which is wrong and bullshit and hirrible and WE HAVE gotten better before we want to be better again we're sick of living in a rollercoaster we want to be ourselves again 100% of the time and not just some of it, but believe it or not it's hard to keep your head above water much less swim to shore when people are constantly shoving you back down and wondering why youre not succeeding in breathing. dont you see how hard I'm trying?

plus with our dad it just gives us a fucked up moral dilemma of ik how estranged and distant his family is like theyre allergic to showing courtesy or affection and he was raised to be a good mannered cowboy and just sit and take when his mother does him wrong because it's family and he doesn't wanna lose it, so the same is true here, but I've already had it in my head for years that at some point i may have to cut ties. I'm just fucking caught. I'm trapped by the good moments we have, the good aspects of my parents and my sister. I'm caught by the fact my dad doesnt have a close family and everybody in my moms family has that same genetic ego that makes everyone think theyre better than everyone else or made them isolate and hide and die from drug overdoses alone in their bathroom. I'm caught by my baby niece who i don't want to leave alone with these people. I'm caught by my dog and grandma, until they pass, anyway. I'm caught by the stupid child in me who still *craves* a mother, *craves* a father, craves this idea of a family i never really had except in blurry photos if you dont look too close.

any fucking ways..... if anybody is able to get a therapist who can actually help me and not waste a year of my time trying to put me on drugs because they dont know how to do shit with systems and trauma to actually email me back, that would be epic.

i also want everyone reading this to stop seeing people as only their struggles or their trauma or their disability and start seeing them as PEOPLE with personalities and likes and interests first. believe it or not we don't think about our trauma or hardship a lot of the fucking time and it's real weird and a total fuckin bummer if thats all you seem to see. so, yeah.

have a happy sexy naughty bitchy sephiroth labor day guys

[inherconstellation]

I love it when the streets start to quiet down at night and the building lights gradually dim. I'm having trouble sleeping lately, so I decided to hang out by the glass window and enjoy the peace and quiet of my neighbourhood at night. Sometimes being alone in the dark, with just you and your orange pekoe tea, is the best way to think.

I never dreamed I'd be able to survive being alone, and I don't mean that in a romantic sense. Not everything revolves around romance. Lol. But what I really mean is that I can handle being alone despite having been sheltered my entire life. Everything came easily to me in the Philippines, but it's a different story here in Canada. I struggled physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and I must say that there were times when I lost faith and had no idea where my life would lead me. I saw what an unprivileged existence may be like: no one to turn to, difficulties finding work, difficulty meeting new people and dealing with coworkers, and how some people hate you for no reason. I was so lonesome that I could hear my own thoughts eating me alive at times, and I felt it was the death of me. Emotionally, I was fatigued, and I relied on myself because I chose to be here, to be independent, and to forge my own path, so I had only myself to blame. The person I expected to be there for me couldn't keep his promises. It was hard to think that before I came here, we had plans, and thought maybe there’s hope in a long distance relationship and we could make it work. I was wrong. Everything fell apart.

Fortunately, I had the best support system in my family and close friends. They are the ones that have kept me going, as well as the goals and dreams I have for myself.

Moving forward, I believe I am a different person with a clearer goal and motivation. Instead of being frustrated about things over which I have no control, I am leaning towards the idea that maybe, everything does happen for a reason.

Perhaps, the universe is telling me that everything that has happened to me has made me stronger and wiser in life. Maybe, God took something away from me because it wasn't good for me, and that there's something better for me out there — one who shares the same wavelength as me, same desire, same passion for what we actually believe in and achieve in life. One who understands that love is more than a feeling and a word, but a commitment even when you are at your worst, still can see that there’s so much more to love about you. One who sees right through you, that even in your brokenness, you are God’s masterpiece, always have and always will be.

Maybe the universe is letting you suffer because you were designed to be great, and your destiny is so bright that you need to be prepared and seasoned. That with the appropriate determination and perspective, even the most difficult road appears to be a walk in the park. Perhaps you're simply inside a tunnel. It may be dark now, but it will be at its brightest once you get at your destination.

The experiences I've had in this wonderful country have been incredibly humbling, and I've learned to appreciate everyone around me and how they make the most out of their lives.

This is a terrifying rollercoaster ride. It's stunningly exciting and can make you churn, but that's part of the appeal of it. After all, how can you call a rollercoaster interesting if it lacks thrills and suspense? All you have to do is sit back, grab on tight, and enjoy the journey because it will be a beautiful experience that you will remember for the rest of your life. 🧡😊

( I decided to take a video of my view that night so I would have something to look back on. So that anytime I look at it, I will remember this sweet night of reflection and how a shift in perspective made all the difference for me. 🧡)

[sometimes-its-family]

Explaining why the blog is not very active anymore

I think it's time we tackle this

Long story short, I'm working on a videogame

The long version is that I needed to change my priorities, working on a videogame of my own, instead of working on the blog. Don't get me wrong, I do like working on the blog and it's not the blog's fault, but rather, my life's been on a rollercoaster emotionally.

There are many aspects to why I need and decided to work on the videogame, for example, to eventually and finally having a financial income, but also, the fact it's a project that I work right on right away, and I have doing so. If you know me, you know that I left college, because of trauma and my neuro-divergence, and I've been trying to build my life ever since. And I feel using my skills for something bigger and better on the long run would help me improve my well-being.

I'll probably return eventually to this blog, posting an image from time to time, but for now the efforts will be given to my video game:

Sol Revised

you can see the progress of the video game in my blog @novaartblog, on which, I'll start posting concept art, references, doodles, asks and overall updates for the game. Hopefully, the game will have a Demo by the end of the year.

I hope you guys can follow me there, and support my work and effort.

I'll see you all among the stars

-Nova

[fizzydrink698]

Hey love,

so first of all, instinct was the first skz fiction I read and it inspired me to start writing for them myself. It's been a rollercoaster, and I feel like I should thank you for that 😊

Now, as a writer myself, I'm curious. Do you usually write a story in order (like chapters 1, 2...) or do you just write whatever scene strikes you that moment?

I used to write chronologically but with my last story, I decided to simply write the scene that I feel would make sense to write, given my mood or the time of day. It feels a little weird, but somehow, I think my writing is better.

Also, how do you handle writer's block? With every story I've written so far, I finished about 80% of it within a week. After that, it usually takes me a while to get the rest of it. I just lose motivation and feel like everything I write has already been read. Do you have that? And how do you handle it?

Sending all the love 💕

P.s. I can't wait for “little white lies” part 2. It's already one of the best stories I've read so far (including none fiction and fanfiction for other artists)

hi! 👋

instinct was your first skz fic? 🥺 i am very honoured, i'm really glad you decided to get into writing for them! the more skz fanfic writers, the better, everyone wins that way 🥰

the answers to your questions are under the cut, because i go into a lot of detail about how i wrote my fics. enjoy, i hope!

how do you write?

i always write chronologically, because my characters always develop in ways i didn't predict. i've found that when i've written scenes out of order, i end up having to rewrite later scenes because the character just isn't consistent. it's weird, it's like character development surprises me halfway through writing. a good example is instinct, that was originally going to be a lot more wacky a/b/o sexy sitcom hijinks. but as i sat down and wrote it, the main couple became a lot more emotionally connected. sparks was originally going to have a far more "evil villain, plucky protagonist in distress" dynamic until i started writing, and found that reader was way more in control and confident than i was expecting, and sparks!hyunjin was more interesting when he was caught off-guard and struggling to regain control of the situation.

the one exception to this is sometimes, my first idea is the first 'big scene' of the main dynamic. the inciting incident, the thing that throws the plot into motion. in 'solace', that's the waking-up-next-to-felix scene. in 'respite', that's the changbin-showing-up scene. sometimes i write that, then i write the scenes before that set up the premise, introduce the main characters and what their deal is, and provide context for that scene. but then after that, i always write chronologically.

what's your writing process?

my writing process can differ from fic to fic, depending on my mood 😊

for most of my fics (instinct, consort, solace, competition, upbeat) i usually plot out what will happen in the fic, bullet-point by bullet-point. my most plotted-out fic is consort, i've got that separated by chapter and there's notes next to each plot beat that covers foreshadowing, steps in the relationship, what it builds on, all that. i will plot it out, get it bullet-pointed, then write it chronologically.

for some of my fics (pretty much all the six month "drabbles") i went entirely by feeling. i had a vague premise in mind, i started writing, i went where my mind took me. i always start off at the beginning, setting up the premise as i work through it in my brain, and then i just have fun.

the exception has been "little white lies". i had the mystery/intrigue planned out from the start. i know exactly what these characters are thinking and what their motivations are. but the actual events of the fics themselves are only loosely thought of. going into writing it, i knew "fake-date to wedding. wedding is at a beach. beach-related hijinks will ensue. climax will happen. resolution will happen." basically, i know my characters, and i'm essentially going to throw them into situations and see how they act and interact and work from there. i'm excited 🥰

oh, and i very, very rarely rewrite or make any serious edits when i finish a fic. pretty much all of my fics are technically first-drafts with minor edits. i will heavily edit and change while i write, not after.

how do you handle writer's block?

if i'm not in a specific mood to write that fic, i try not to force myself because the work is just never gonna be as good. that's why i have so many fics on the go at once. i will always have something to make good progress on 😊

if i'm in the mood for banter, i write banter fics like 'late night bite' or 'sparks'. if i'm in the mood for something spicy, i'll write spice like 'hypothesis' or 'acting up'. if i'm in the mood for angst, or comedy, or fluff, or plot-heavy stuff, that's what i write 😊

the biggest problem i have is kinda strange, but sometimes i will look at a fic. i will have it all planned out. i know what scene i need to write, i'll be excited to see it finished and published, i want people to read it.

but i just can't summon the effort to write. i'll put it off. i can't explain why, it's just that first 30 mins of forcing yourself to write until you fall into a groove. i'm so easily distracted (i can't listen to music while i write, it distracts me 😭 somehow i can write somewhere public like a cafe with that buzz of loads of people talking, but i cannot write with music or white noise. sometimes i put on my headphones with nothing on, just to get into the zone)

as for how i handle writer’s block, either i just make myself write if i'm not feeling possible burn-out, or i work on something else. lately i've been struggling to get into continuing stuff (because the pressure is real sometimes, i'm a perfectionist, i want fics to be perfect) but i've started like seven different fics. each is now about 2k. so i'm making incredible progress in actually writing (i think i've clocked close to 20k this month) but it's all spread out.

[transgenderrebellion-blog]

I've tried to write this so many times, but I just can't find the right words to cover everything. I guess this is me taking another crack at it at 1:30 in the morning.... Because who needs to sleep, am I right?

I am not doing well. I am sitting here, almost 2 weeks after finding out I had a miscarriage, completely unsure of how to deal with any of this. Who the fuck do I talk to? People already don't talk about miscarriages. But add on the fact that the pregnant person is a trans guy and that complicates things further because no one talks about pregnant trans men. I was already feeling super fucking lonely in this process. Now I'm trying to deal with this too.

I'm so unprepared, emotionally, for this. Sure, I've been working with my therapist to be better about identifying my emotions before they get too big and overwhelming. But it's not like this crept up on me. I was all of a sudden hit with this horrible news after being so excited that, after 5 years, my wife and I were finally going to have a baby.

The whole process for me to even get to the point where I was willing to get pregnant was so long and emotional. But then I decided that I could do it. And I anticipated some difficult, emotional things. But I didn't anticipate this. I never expected to hear someone tell me that I was pregnant, but now I'm not.

As weird as it sounds, my doctor did break it to me in a way that worked for me. I don't want to call it gently, because it wasn't exactly gentle. She was direct about it, which I appreciate as someone who tends to be a direct person myself. Seriously between her and my primary care doctor, I think I may have gotten over my fear of doctors. They're both not even phased by the trans thing and have gone out of their way to make sure they're educated on care for trans people. But I'm digressing here....

How does someone process something like the emotional rollercoaster I've been on? I went from being happier than I thought I could be to devastated within a few days. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Sure, I can talk to my wife, but it's different because she's in it with me. And she's heard me say all of these things already. I basically just get into a grief spiral when I'm talking to her, where I end up saying the same things over and over but in different ways. And who knows, maybe the same thing would happen if I talked to someone else. But I don't know that I'll ever find that out.

So I guess for now I'll just post this and maybe write other things about my feelings and emotions. I don't know. I just feel so lost and confused and sad, but it feels like I have no outlet for it all.

[heich0e]

i'm SO sorry i took so long but i had a lovely picnic w/ friends on saturday and between studying for finals n' weeping with the final episode of aot i really didn't know what to say about Percolate so as you can see i'm emotionally drained and fragile right now. i apologize in advance. and to all of your followers for this long ass ask.

first of all, it's been 8 months since I started reading Percolate. i think chapter 7 was recently dropped when i caught up with the story and ever since it's been such a rollercoaster ride waiting for new updates and witnessing how rookies and levi's relationship devolpe from something 'casual' to genuine love!

fun fact: I had to reread chapter 13 just to feel "in context" again lol.

so… chapter 14… *sigh* honestly i'm really struggling how to put into words how i felt while reading. you're writing does that to me every. single. time. ugh, i looooved that most of the chapter levi was all "fuck it, listen up I LOVE YOU" and rookie was like "¿¿¿???" HAJSBAKS, THAT GURL IS ICONIC. but my fav part obviously was after the little crisis, when rookie caught up with him and he hugged her once he noticed it was reciprocated I fucking melted because there's nothing better than boyfriend levi. :((( AND THEN THE AUDACITY OF GOING STRAIGHT INTO PDA WITH HER IN A ROOM FULL OF THEIR FRIENDS WAS SO AAAHKABSKAN91@($!# 💕💝💖💘💗💞

the last part… omg, i'm not even going to call it "smut" because that would be so fucking disrespectful of me when clearly that was a beautiful, passionate, intimate and slow love-making moment. i never cried so hard in my life.

“It was the first of so many new things—or rather the familiar situations that you were now facing in a new light, with a new dynamic between you. It was a rhythm you would slowly have to find your footing and fall into, but you were happy to learn the steps.”

this part moved something inside me, i liked the idea of them not charging anything just because they're dating but still giving it a try to start doing things the right way. the fact that you included sonnet 145 specifically… god you're a genius, Liv. You never get tired of leaving me dumbfounded, don'tcha? the meaning behind it... fuck, it's so beautiful.

it's silly feeling somewhat sad that Percolate has reached its end, because i know you're still going to be around writing and all, but i guess it's because something in this story will remain special to me until the end of times. i'm so proud of you, i don't think you'll ever know the amount of confort this gave me and as always, i thank you for sharing with us. i feel i have much more to say and if i could i would send you voice notes so that way you can hear my pathetic crying but this will have to do for now! Ilysm, Liv! you deserve all the forehead kisses in the world~ 😙

i'm a week away from a delicious two week vacations so i'm going to wait so i can catch up with some of your new pieces (to have and to hold has been seducing me for a while).

HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK, ANGEL! again, i'm so proud of you you beautiful thing! congrats on concluding Percolate, you've worked so hard! you're such an inspiration!🥳

kary this is the last ask in my percolate spoiler queue because you were the first person i remember coming off anon to gush about perc so it only felt right that you be the last one too :')

AHjdkhfsdkjhsldkj i don't know if anyone else has noticed but I've known from the VERY BEGINNING OF THE FIC that after all was said and done and all the cards were laid on the table that I wanted that little guy to get an actual HUG. HE DESERVES IT. It was important to me that a hug be the way that they sort of come together in the end rather than something more spicy bc it just felt right.

stop this genuinely made me so emotional, Kary. I am so so so so so endlessly grateful for you. Writing perc wasn't always easy but i swear to god i would have written 100 more chapters if it meant meeting the incredibly kind people this fic brought me all over again. i love you SOOOOOO very much!!

I HOPE YOUR PICNIC WAS DELICIOUS AND YOU ACED ALL YOUR FINALS AND YOUR VACATION HAS BEEN RELAXING AND FULFILLING AND ALL OF THE OTHER GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD FOR YOU. YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE IT.

[justcafewriter]

I just had my period too, this is probably gonna comforting for me also. Thanks for req sweetheart 🥺.

Lev, Akaashi and Kita Comforting Their S/O in Her Period.

Haiba Lev

‌Lev used to be clueless when it comes to understanding a woman. He didn't know why suddenly, you, his gf, have a constant bad mood in a certain date. He didn't know why you suddenly craving for food and eat a lot of sweets/snacks. He didn't know why you crying easily and being emotionally unstable.

‌It's like a puzzle to him until his dear sister teach him a few things about woman and period is one of them.

‌He looks scared okay, he seems like he skip the sex ed or straight didn't even give attention about it.

‌Once he realized about period he start to take notice if it's your special day of month.

‌He'd notice immediately every time you went through PMS and he will be ready to treat you to lots of sweets. He will also help you carrying stuffs, he even will sends you links of cute animals whenever you seems in the bad mood.

‌"Lev baby, I just saw the baby cats video you sent!! it's so cute!" You say to Lev when you meet him after school, he welcomed you with a big beautiful grin as he wrapped his hand on yours.

‌"I'm glad you like it. the baby cats, they remind me of you. Both of you look so cute." He sheepishly said.

‌You blush at his remark but suddenly you felt a cramp on your stomach, the damn period thingy, you cursed inside your head.

‌"Baby are you okay?" Lev asked. Both of you stopped walking.

‌"Y-yeah.. it's just, I got cramp." You explained to your sweet boyfriend.

‌"Wait, lemme carry you on my back. Hurry. My sister said to me to compress the stomach whenever you have a period cramp." Lev said.

‌"Uhm.. how did you know it's a period cramp?" You asked him as you never told about your period to him.

‌"So.. it's not? I mean, it's usually this time around you got your period so.."

‌"Lev!! You know my period schedule??" You shocked at his remark.

‌"I.. I shouldn't know about it?" Guilt and embarrassment showing on his face and it looks so damn cute.

‌"I didn't mean it that way, it's just, so cute. And is it why you always treat me some sweets and extra kind to me?" You asked only to have a double nods from him.

‌You can't contained the feeling of how lovely your boyfriend is so you hug him tight and show him how thankful you are to have him by your side. And having a period cramps and constant unstable emotions sounds okay to you as long as you have Lev by your side.

Akaashi Keiji

‌I don't want to repeat the same fact over and over again but really, Akaashi is the sweetest boyfriend!

‌He also has his part of knowledge about your period, when will it happen, what you feel when you have it and how annoying you could be when you're on it.

‌Sometimes when the period cramp become unbearable to you, he feels like he want to take it from you. Because seeing you in pain makes him worry. But he can't do that so he will give you cuddles whenever you were lying on the bed in crouching position to ease away the pain.

‌Sometimes he will rub your stomach lightly as you say when he did that, the cramp seems like go away and it makes you feel better.

‌He will ask you right away if you want cuddles or if you need anything from him. "Period cramps?" He would ask while seeing you crouching on the bed. You were just nodding your head, so he walked over you and sat on the bed.

‌"Do you want to cuddles?" He asked. His hand rub your arm.

‌"I want you to rub my tummy if you would?" You asked before you get up so you were sitting while facing him.

‌"Sure, honey. Come here." Akaashi said, a worried smile covering his face and he open his arms wide while he rest his back on the head board behind him.

‌You climbed up and sat between his thighs, your back facing me before you lay your head on his firm chest. His hands lingering around your body before his right hand slip under the pajama your wearing. The sensation of his warm hands touching your bare stomach feels nice that you left out a sigh of relief.

‌"Is it nice?" He asked with a low voice. You hummed for agreement and you decide to take his other hands on your own, intertwined them which you knew it makes Akaashi feels happy.

‌"Thank you for doing this to me, Keiji." You said as you look up to him. He give you a warm smile before he lowered himself and kiss your lips. The kiss you share was sweet and it somewhat also ease the bad cramps you had. "It's my pleasure to help you, sweetheart." He said after the kiss and both of you were still in that position until you both fall asleep.

Kita Shinsuke

‌Kita wil treat you like a queen in a daily basis so when it comes to you to facing a period issues, you will be spoiled.

‌He will also willingly to buy you pads if you ever run out of it! It's not problem to him and he didn't really feel a tiny bit of embarrassment for it.

‌He will also gladly to buy you lots of ice cream, a cookies, some candies and even buying you some medicine to ease away a bad cramp or a bad pimple which come whenever you had your period.

‌"Baby I'm sorry, I feel so ugly right now I don't think we can go on date today." You said to Kita while he was visiting you so both of you can go to date.

‌He will sigh, loudly. He will look at you with a lot of disappointment and you feel guilty. "I'm sad not because we can't have a date, but I'm sad because you said that you're ugly. I'm sorry for never make you feel beautiful, I've failed as a boyfriend." He said again.

‌"Shinsuke it's not.. baby no, I don't mean like that I mean. I'm sorry, I.. You always makes me feel beautiful okay it's just, this damn pimple is horrifying and.. and I-" You tried to search for words but seeing how hurt Kita looks, you feel bad.

‌"I don't care about it because no matter what, for me, you are the most beautiful girl in the world." Kita said. He come closer to you before he put his hands on your cheeks and kiss your lips softly.

‌"I'm sorry that you have a rollercoaster emotion because it's your special day today. I wish I could take all of the bad things you felt but I can't. But please, don't call yourself ugly because you are not." He said after the kiss.

‌"Baby.." Your tears rolling down on your cheeks only to be wiped away by Kita. "Let's have a date in here, we can have a homemade meals and we can watch some movies or playing games. I bought some cookies too." He smiles as he say that. You could swear that having a period never been so special before you having Kita as your boyfriend.

[dangan-happy]

(KAME-HAME-FORGET ABOUT IT!) Hi Kokichi, Rantaro? I'm about to hit a weird milestone. It's been three years since drama began and something happened that caused me to shut down. I've been on a rollercoaster ever since and struggled with intense anger and paranoia. I wanted revenge on the person I thought responsible but now I just want them to apologise for their hurtful arrogance, and to let them know I'm sorry too. I'm still hurt but not as badly, I could do with some affirmation though? Ty!

Hi anon! Hey, you're not at a weird milestone at all. I'm like, the pettiest person ever, so I go through stuff like that all the time. I'm like, super guilty of being that person that gets dead set on revenge so I totally get what you're feeling. I can tell you're already a better person than me, because I usually don't get to the point where you are, I'm still determined to do some damage.

So it's been three years, but it sounds like whatever happened had a huge, lasting impact on you. In situations like this, it's best to try and think with your head and not your gut, since like emotions are screwy. It sounds like you've put a decent amount of thought into this, which is really good. Honestly, if you think you're ready to try to move forward then I think you should. However, you can't control anyone outside yourself, and the person might not apologize. Tread carefully, and don't get disappointed or hurt if things don't go well. I know closure is important, but sometimes it's better to just leave things open.

I don't think I can really give you exact advice because it's different in every situation, and it depends on what the other party responds with. They might see their actions as right, as twisted as that is because that's just the way people are, and therefore they might not feel like they need to apologize at all. Overall, people freaking suck. That's what it kinda boils down to. Be aware of how you're feeling, and if you're in danger of getting hurt more, it's completely ok to pull away and just leave it. Honestly, I think you're on the right track. You're taking the moral high ground, and that's really impressive. Not everyone can do that, and that really shows how you've grown as a person. So that's a gold star in my book! Good job anon, seriously. This is a complicated situation, but you're honestly doing really really well. Like I said, gold star!

-

Hey there anon, yeah, like Kokichi said, these kinds of situations are really messy. Personally, I avoid conflicts like this like the plague. I'm really not a confrontational person, and if it was me in your situation, I'd be no where near where you are. You have every right to still be hurt. It sounds that whatever happened was pretty damn severe and left a lot of lasting issues. I'm really proud of you for pushing forward and sort of settling these emotions. It takes a lot of strength, and you deserve all kinds of respect.

Emotionally, I think you're in the best place possible. You're still hurt, but you're willing to close the book on whatever happened and move on. Honestly, that's really the best people can hope for in situations like this. I don't think there's any outcome that's gonna remove the damage for good, but an outcome like that isn't very realistic anyways. I think you're doing the best you can given the circumstances, and that's amazing.

Like Kokichi said, the other person in this situation might not be willing to apologize. Not everyone can do what you did and be so mature and strong about this. Even if you don't get the closure you want, you've already become the better person for getting this far. You don't have to fully forgive or push away the hurt. Forgiving and forgetting isn't always the best thing, and I hope that hurt can fade away as more time passes. I wouldn't depend on an apology, I'd focus on staying comfortable with where you are emotionally. Again I gotta agree with Kokichi, we can't control other people. Focus on what you can do for you, not what you want another person to do. I think I'm getting repetitive so I'll end this here. I hope I gave you the affirmation you needed, because you're definitely in the right and everything you're feeling is beyond valid. I'm right there along with Kokichi, if it was up to me, you'd be getting two gold stars. 

[hatsukeii]

Aot and AAC matchup!!!? Basic info: straight female, 5'4, Scorpio! If it matters my mbdi is debater, which I think is accurate. I'm a bit curvy/soft and I have really long wavy hair and glasses. Now for fun stuff!! I'm a 50-50 split between being very hyperactive (almost like a puppy lmao) or very quiet (not shy, but more like indifferent. I've been told I'm intimidating) I'm into polyships so the more boys the merrier. I love exercise but hate doing it alone lol. 1/3!!

I collect manga and knives and I usually dress in black (and hardly ever wear shorts/anything revealing). I'm usually the "leader" of friendgroups, or the meme Lord.... Or the flirty one. Those are my three usual placements. I've never been in a relationship but that doesn't stop me from being a giant flirt 90% of the time. I like to draw and read but ADHD keeps me from focusing long on the latter. I'm constantly listening to music because it helps my anxiety. I'm terrified of spiders n bugs.2/3

I'm also fairly good at math? I play piano and I love video games but I'm real bad at them. I love horror and scary things but I scare very easily so I pay for it later on lol. I also like rollercoasters!!. I curse a lot and think I come off strongly because of how all over the place I can be, but i try to think more logically than emotionally when it comes to actual problems. I'm a switch so I can lead in relationships or follow.... Thank u ily!!!!! 3/3

Ahh shit this is really late I’m so sorry for the wait!!

Your Aot matchup is:

🐴Jean “I have lost all faith in humanity” Kirstein🐴

Yuuuuuh what a cutie. Please help this boy he needs affection. You probably came off as such a badass to him at first like all black? Collects knives? That’s hot. At some point he probably started flirting with you just to see you get flustered, but then that fails because you FLIRT BACK LMAOO and he’s just standing there and his mind is screaming “ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION-” but his body won’t move and he just stares at you, face red and everything. He hasn’t underestimated your flirtiness since then but hasn’t stopped with the relentless flirting either. He can adapt to both of your personalities. When you’re being hyper and almost puppy-like, he goofs around with you, yelling nonsense and cacking randomly like a crackhead. When you’re being quiet and indifferent, he always finds a way to make you feel good as well. He won’t push you to be hyper, he just wants you to feel safe and comfortable. I feel like he loves to act tough when it comes to horror like he pretends to be Mr tough guy oh I don’t get scared by stupid ghosts they’re dumb but then he’s grabbing onto your arm and screaming at every little jumpscare of the movie lmao it’s hilarious and he won’t admit that he’s scared which makes it so much better. I see Jean as someone cares a lot about his looks, so if you feel like doing exercise but you don’t want to do it alone, you can always ask him to join you, he’s always happy to as well. Does not mind one bit if you would like to lead in the relationship, but does like to lead as well, so it’s all good. When times call for it, you have to call Jean out for being rash and emotional, and reason with him. 

Your AAC matchup is:

❗️Karma “I’ll kill you but not before screaming I won’t hesitate bitch” Akabane❗️

Just saying, both of you collect knives together lmaoo he thinks the two of you are so similar and somehow falls for that HARD. Karma’s a cheeky bitch that likes to think he’s slick with flirting but really isn’t and is awkward doing it lmaoaooa so when you flirt back insanely well he acts like he’s all good you know mr tough guy but inside he’s literally going “SEJLHFKULWEHCRNHKYGRYWWKRJVWIURGWEIRY AHHHHH” don’t convince me otherwise lolol. The two of you frequently compete over who gets the better maths scores and you don’t stop even though he always wins. Like Jean, he knows how to manage both sides of your personality. He’ll mess around, prank people, and be loud with you when you’re being hyper, but also mellow down and just vibe when you’re being quiet and indifferent. Either way, he thinks you’re a beautiful human being that deserves the world. People say you shouldn’t put two memelords in the same room. Maybe that’s why people literally are scared of the two of you together. The chaos cannot be controlled. Karma appreciates that you like to think logically, and seldom let your emotions get in the way. Facts and logic are key to winning arguments, not sappy emotions. Has similar music taste to you and is down to try anything new, he’s pretty open to anything tbh. Yeah yeah you might be a switch but don’t you think for a SSSSSSSSECOND that he’ll ever let you lead lmao mans is dom as fuck you can’t convince me otherwise-

Hope you like your *very late matches!!<33

[brookeolin]

TRIGGER WARNING/TW: emotional and physical abuse and violence

Hi! I've been paying attention to the stories of assault that have been shared by brave survivors over the past week... and years... Every time a movement to share revives, I consider talking about something I've been through... but usually by the time I feel like I can, I tell myself "it's too late, the moment passed". I am finally realizing that this mentality was a stupid way of silencing myself--and it's truly never too late to speak up.

I don't have a games industry person to call out. I'm sharing my story just to get it off my chest.

A couple years ago, in my late 20s, I was dating a guy named Mike. The relationship was pretty toxic from the start, but I was naiive as hell (yes you're still probably naiive about a lot of things in your late 20s btw) and thought his mean streak was sort of... refreshing? I fooled myself into thinking that I'd finally met a guy that would be honest with me about my flaws, and who would love me despite them. Because of this infatuation with a mean streak and the emotional highs and lows that come with it, I ignored all of the red flags. Some examples related to games: If we played a new game and had different opinions about it, mine were always wrong. If I tried to make an argument for my opinion, he'd accuse me of trying to make him feel stupid. My opinions were always invalidated without a discussion. We would play games together--he would tell me I was bad at it. He wouldn't even play the games I'd worked on, and told me he didn't like them. Everything I did or said was bad or wrong, but he'd always sugar-coat it and comfort me with encouragement that I could "do better". It was a rollercoaster of emotions every day. My self-esteem was so low that... I believed he was right. His gaslighting prevented me from seeing the reality of the situation--I was being emotionally abused, constantly.

Time flew by during this relationship. I was always either ecstatically happy or deeply depressed, and so I developed intense anxiety and panic attack problems. I would have a panic attack and would try to talk to him about it, and he would get mad at me or ignore me. The next day, he'd apologize and we'd make up. This happened more times than I can count. The relationship was so all over the place all the time that my emotional energy was always spent. I got too tired to talk to friends, and cut myself off from everyone without realizing it. I was also shipping a couple games at the time, and stopped working on them in the normal way... I didn't playtest, I didn't proofread, I just hacked things out as fast as possible so I could get back to putting out fires in my relationship. Every single disagreement about games or anything else was always turned back on me, and used to further belittle me.

Things continued to escalate with Mike, and maybe... a year into our relationship, one day, he was mad at me for arguing with him about... something. I was probably mad at him about rent--at this point, he was playing games all day and not working. I was paying for our entire existence, including rent, so we'd fight about that a lot. Anyways, we were fighting and it escalated and he started to hit me. He then shoved me onto the couch and started strangling me. I couldn't get him off. I was seriously at the limit of being conscious when I managed to pry him off of my neck, and then he hit me some more. That went on for a bit, until I managed to run out of the apartment. I wandered around in the streets for a while before coming home.

Guess what! Even after something like that, I stayed with him! People aren't kidding when they talk about how difficult it is for abuse victims to leave their abusers. Why? He convinced me that he beat me up because I pushed him to that point. He managed to manipulate me into believing it was my fault. Turns out, this kind of gaslighting is pretty typical in these abuse situations, but I didn't know that at the time and was... so traumatized and fucked up that I believed him. It took me almost another year, and more physical abuse, to finally leave. I almost died multiple times while dating this guy. On the last occaision, he strangled me again after slamming my head into the wall. He stopped strangling me at my breaking point again and started running towards the kitchen, saying something about a knife. I sprinted out the door with only a shirt and underwear on.

An old guy was closing up at a bar nearby and he let me in and called the cops. Of course, the cops weren't helpful--they stood there asking me "but how bad was it, really"... even asking me to rate my fucking beating on a scale of 1-10 while I was sobbing and covered in bruises. Eventually, they finished questioning me and taking pictures of my neck, and finally drove me home. We got there and they asked... "Do you want us to arrest him? You need to decide." These fuckers made me decide if I wanted my abusive boyfriend to go to jail, outside of my apartment, while I was shaking like a leaf, with no pants or shoes on. It was the lowest point of my life, by far. I was like... seriously in disbelief that they were asking me, the victim, to make this decision. Thankfully, I said yes, and he went to jail. I went back into my apartment, alone, surrounded by broken furniture. I called my mom and a friend. I'll never forget how strange it was to just lie there in my ruined apartment, not really knowing what to do. I went to the ER the next day and the nurses there told me they see girls like me in this condition every day, and they told me that a lot of those girls go home and it happens again and again. They asked me sincerely to never speak to Mike again, and I didn't. I have not seen him since. Oh, but I was still effected by the gaslighting so deeply that I gave money to a friend to bail him out of jail a couple days later, because I still felt like everything was somehow my fault. It was NOT my fault. He chose to violently assault me. That was his choice. It took me a long time to recognize that, because his gaslighting really effected me to my core. The power of abuse is truly incredible and horrific, and the power an abuser has remains even after they are gone.

I was was lucky to come out this alive and on my feet. I am no longer in that relationship--I am safe and happy. As lucky as I've been to come this far, I've been through some very real PTSD since then, and still struggle with the physical and financial repercussions of my assault to this day. Things have gotten a lot better though, so I thought it'd be a good time to share this with folks.

I hope that anyone out there who is also a domestic abuse victim can see that they're not alone, and that they can get out of the situation... hopefully faster than I did. I can't advise anyone personally--I'm a victim, not a professional. However, I can promise you, if you're a survivor/victim of domestic abuse, that there's hope. You can get your life together, as impossible as it might seem--I am living proof of it. Trusted friends, therapy and local domestic abuse centers are incredibly helpful. I have personally literally used all of these methods to help with my own situation, when it was at its worst. There is no shame in asking for help.

If you're not a victim, or don't personally know anyone who is... I hope that you might now recognize that domestic abuse is a very real and pervasive thing. It doesn't happen to one specific kind of person--it can really happen to anyone, and often for long, drawn out periods of time. Relationships are complicated things that can be incredibly difficult to get out of, especially when abuse (emotional and/or physical) is happening. Please keep this in mind, watch out for your family and friends, and support victims as much as humanly possible.

-Nina Freeman

[steppingintothedaylight94]

I guess it's time to move on. Now moreso than ever.

It's been 10 months since you told me we couldn't work. That we couldn't continue. I've loved you more than anything or anyone. I dare say you were my first and only true love. No one could compare to you - not in the past, not in the future. And that's frightening.

Maybe I deserve better, I don't know. But I've only ever wanted you. And I still just want you. The past 10 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. From crying endlessly in the day and night to wishing to god and prayer to god that you love me back to begging you to come back to slowly trying to get over you to being suicidal. And I thought I'd succeded in getting over you. I really did. But just the sight of you and being around you for events killed me. It all came back to me. I couldn't breathe. You still look as dashing and charming as ever. You're still mine. But that's not true. You aren't and god knows if you'd ever been.

I've been dreaming of you. Wishing you came back. Sometimes I wonder if I still have an effect on you. Is that why you deleted me off your instagram and facebook? Because the sight of me was too much? Because it reminded you of everything we've been through? That we can't be together? Is that true or am I just hopelessly wishing that that's true? I swear to god there isn't anyrhing else that I would wish for. You have no idea the impact you've had on me mentally and emotionally. And I don't think you ever will. I opened up to you and you understood me. Something no one has ever done. Something I don't do often either. So how did you leave so easily?

I've played Taylor's songs so many times. And with Lover coming up, I hope I do get over you. There are so many titles that give me that glimmer of hope that I'll get over you. That I must. Because as much as I love you and want you to be mine, I can't wait around here and wallow in sorrow. O need to move on and pray and hope and try to be happy. Truly. Not just faking it but feel it from within. I need to stop comparing other guys to you. I need to, for myself. I'll be here if you ever decide to come back, but I'm trying not to hope and wait. I gotta let it go. And the first step of that was changing my phone's wallpaper and homepage. From "Why She Disappeared" which fit back then to this. This positivity which should cheer me up everytime. I guess it's time... Time to....

Step into the daylight and let it go

Thank you Taylor. For always being there for me even though you have no idea about it. Thank you so very much for keeping me sane and hopeful

@taylorswift @taylornation

[worththefrogs]

Engaged, the first.

It was the end of January/beginning of February.

We matched and started texting and I liked him, he made me laugh. So, I asked him for a phone call the second day just to keep the conversation going. Plus, I kind of hate texting long conversations. My thumbs legit get tired...

On the call I asked him what he was looking for on the app, which is a pretty common question so that everyone can be on the same page.

He tells me that "full disclosure" he had been engaged not that long ago and just broke it off 2 months ago (!!!) so he wasn't sure what he wanted, but obviously he wanted something serious, eventually, since he had been engaged.

(That's the wrong answer to that question for his situation by the way. He should have said, I'm just getting out of a long-term relationship, so I'm not ready for anything serious right now.)

Anyways, I still liked him, and was interested in meeting up, so we did. I was the first person he had dated after his breakup. We talked every day for a while, and he ended up sleeping over four out of seven nights that week. We even had lunch together one of those days since I work really close to where he lives. (That's a lot, by the way. No one else has ever taken that much of my time that quickly before. I was kind of overwhelmed by it, to be honest.)

Anyways, I ended up being his counselor in some ways, trying to coach him through dating and helping him get through some work stress, etc. I was just trying to be helpful and have fun with him. Be flirty and hang out, you know? Also, it felt good to like be helpful and make somebody's life a little better.

But every time we talked, he'd bring it back to trying to define what we were doing. I don't want to hurt you, I feel like I'm using you, I knew the first person I met would be amazing and I hate that it was you, it feels weird to talk to other girls, why are you even spending time with me, I don't know what you're even getting out of this relationship. I kept telling him, look we're just being in the moment, let's have fun with it, it's just a casual thing, the relationship will end when it's supposed to.

Sigh. This "relationship" lasted about a week, let me remind you.

He didn't like that I kept talking about it ending, and so he basically coerced me into admitting that I didn't want it to end, but that I knew it probably would and that's sad, but I'm just trying to enjoy what we got going on.

I've never had such a rollercoaster of intensity with someone and it was really exhausting. I felt like I was being pulled along on this ride where yeah, I did like him, but we just spent SO much time together that I inevitably got invested and way more attached than I had intended to.

Anyways, I tried to be super mature and rational for the majority of our time together (probably two weeks in total), but at the very end, I think I let my emotions get the better of me. See, I had told him to stop talking to me, and go explore other options, because that's what he wanted to do and he was focusing too much on me to be able to do that. But he kept reacting to my Instagram stories. This opened up the channel for me to start talking to him again.

I had to have a final call with him where I laid it all out from my point of view, explained that I knew I shouldn't be friends with him but also kind of still wanted to talk to him so would he please stop reacting to my stories because it made it much harder for me to ignore him.

I didn't want him to feel like he did something wrong, and hopefully, he gained a lot from our time together, but looking back I did end up feeling kind of used.

He used me to get to a better place emotionally, to get his confidence back in dating and in relationships, and to take his mind off of how hurt he had felt.

Meanwhile, I went into the situation looking to spend time with someone and have fun going out and enjoying each others' company, and if I can help someone heal a little along the way then that's fine and dandy. Making the world a better place, one damaged boy at a time, you know? In the end, I was the one who ended up emotionally invested and ultimately hurt.

I don't know what he's up to now, but I think I need to be firmer with setting boundaries after that.

There's no satisfying ending to this one, but that's life sometimes.

Oh well.

[not-poignant]

During these past two weeks I've had one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. First week I thought I'd be losing two people I hold really dear, because one of them is in love with me and I'm in love with the other one. And they're both best friends with each other. And then we decided, to my big surprise, that we'd try to make it work as a poly relationship. And since then I've been so happy... But also everything is much more intense. (1/3)

All positive things, all negative things... are multiplied. I haven't known I was poly before and never thought it even was an option, so there's a lot of new feelings to sort out. It feels like discovering a new sexuality kinda. So many things from my past make sense now. Either way, I almost broke down at work today, cause I thought I had missed an important meeting. Turns out I hadn't, but it completely exhausted me. // I think I'm stressed out and emotionally exhausted. In these times, I go to your blog to feel better, which is also why I'm here now. I love the characters you write. I love immersing myself in your universes. So, just, really... sorry for ranting and all but, thank you so much for everything you do. I hope everything goes well for you.

*

Hi anon,

Firstly, polyamory is an orientation for sure. But because monogamy is so normalised, people think of polyamory more as a ‘kink’ instead of a fundamental way of being. And just like other forms of sexuality, you can be wholly monogamous, or wholly polyamorous, or existing on a spectrum where it’s different for different people and relationships. There are also different types of polyamory, and well, yeah. :)

Poly is a huge spectrum, and it’s great that you’re exploring it for the first time (and yes, it can be very intense, especially when you have double the amount of ‘new relationship energy’ to deal with, which is intense for most people - communication and honesty helps a lot, and I don’t know how much research you’re doing, but there’s lots of blogs on successful polyamory that are incredible and I highly recommend googling for some support on that front; because you won’t get it in the mainstream media, which sucks).

So I have a lot of respect for what you’re going through! NRE (new relationship energy) does settle down and become less intense, and some people miss that, but honestly I like when the intense positive/negative phase relaxes and things become more settled and even comfortable, because you can trust in what’s happening a bit more. (Also can I just say how fucking happy it makes me when a situation like yours is solved with polyamory and communication but anyway).

I’m glad the blog helps as well! I’m sorry for not being very communicative this week! I’m actually catching up with my messages now. I like coming here too, everyone is awesome and I get to hear about all these different things and I know I don’t know all the details of your life or anything anon, but I wish you the best with what you’re experiencing!