#I've already worked 2 hr over time this week

[beesfairlyland]

Hello babies!!!💗

Soo i wanted to update you guys about the tapes I've been listening to by @adambja. They've been an holy grail for my journey!!

Soo let's start with the I AM IN CONTROL TAPE(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

I couldn't listen to it regularly for a week but i listened as much as i could!

Day 1:- I listened to it for like 2 hrs sat in peace and focused on the affirmations. I felt good ...and tbh those audible affirmations make you feel already in control.

Day 2:- Listened for like 1.5 hrs. I felt good while listening but some doubts started to come on surface. But i comforted myself telling that these are just thoughts and i have to let them go now.

Day 3:- I tested out how much am i in control😏. When i sleep for late my aunts wake me up saying it's late. So in the morning when i woke up slightly. I just said they won't say me anything and I'll sleep for however long i can and guess whatt?? No one disturbed me at all and it was the first time😭 i didn't get disturbed! I listened for like an hour.

Day 4:- i Manifested some food that i was craving...first time i Manifested some food tbh😭 i started to gain soo much of confidence i swear im loving it and im in love with adamja!!😭💗

Day 5:- soo we were going to a party and our plan to go got cancelled. I was like no we'll go....I kid you not the very next second my brother came and told us to get ready🤭

I kept listening to the tape on and off till self concept tape came. I didn't listen to it with any intention tbh i just used it for fun with zero expectations. My confidence literally sky rocketed!!😭 I felt soo much in control. All of my intrusive thoughts literally started disappearing. Then came the self concept tape...it was just for three days but I swear the way it changed my thoughts i was shocked!

SELF CONCEPT tape review (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

I listened to it for 3 hrs for 3 days ... didn't listen it overnight coz im a light sleeper and can't sleep with something playing in the background. This tape is GOLD.

Day 1:- I had a mental breakdown the morning.... literally cried for hrs even tho in my head i was affirming im okay and everything's alright 💀my aunts fucking my head for like 2 3 days. And then came the tape and omgg the moment i started to listen to it.... first of all hearing those affirmations make you soo powerful and then the secret benefits she puts idk i felt soo much at peace and thoughts like "it's all just an illusion....this all doesn't even matter why to cry over it" started coming.

Day 2:- when i woke up i was soo much at peace even tho yesterday was shit for me. And i just decided i want peace. Haven't been this much peace in my house from past 2 3 yrs😭 and oh boy i felt soo detached from the 3d. I was soo happy.

Day 3:- i completely detached from the 3d. Nothing triggered me. And my circumstances don't even matter anymore. All of my desires felt soo natural and i completely detached from the void. I didn't even wavered not at all. Zero doubts. Im completely living in my 4d naturally I don't have to remind myself anymore about fulfilling myself...i a already in the state and i don't feel like doing anything to get my desires. And i just manifested my wifi working properly just by intention! And now ik I'll wake up in the void any time soon!😭 I don't even feel much excited now ... feels like it is a fact already. I've Never felt this much at peace ever!!

I swear guyss these tapes are soo good...god knows how powerful her paid tapes are😭 and ppl who say these are JUST TAPES....NOO THESE ARE SOME MFING HELLA POWERFUL TAPES!! She do have cheaper self concept and void tape too...go for it!! And if you can't then listen to the free tapess!!😭😭 Those are effective....aff.

And if you come at me saying im supporting those high priced tapes and advertising her tapes.

NOO I AM NOT ADVERTISING.... it's my experience try them out yourself and then say something and if she's pricing them that much ofcc it must be having some real powerful stuff(benefits) in it!! No one's forcing you too buy the tapes ....try the free ones!! And i am one of those person who never got any results from subliminals. Soo im soo happy i found these tapes!😭💗

And in the end i really really really wanna thank @adambja for providing us these tapes🫶🏻💗 you are soo kind!! i am soo grateful for having you as my mutual. And we appreciate you soo much for your hardwork. Don't let the hate and mean comments let you down. There are many ppl here who adore you soo much. We all are glad to be a part of the CULT(as haters say lol😭).

-love, bee💗✨

[bipolarmango]

I returned to a corporate office after 1,5 years WFH (and 6+ years spent in small companies) and these two weeks have been a nightmare from a neurodivergent (ADHD/autism) pov. Let's recap:

Open office with no dividers or walls. You can hear everything. You can smell everything. You can see everything. People are speaking louder and louder to hear each other because so many other people are speaking. People are on calls. People are watching videos. People are eating at their desk. People are walking by your desk. It's just too much.

Open office with no dedicated seats. For someone who needs structure and habits and follows those certain ones to a tee to feel comfort, this is really anxiety-inducing. I want my own seat. I don't know how to underline this enough.

Clean desk policy. You're not allowed to leave anything on the desk, have anything on the walls of the office, or decorate the space in any way. For someone who feels safe with their own things, in their own place, that has become their own little nest, preferably in a little nook somewhere, this combined with open office and free seating is an absolute nightmare.

No headphones/headset allowed unless on a call. This is apparently to boost collaboration and make sure we don't look passive to clients etc. who might come to the office but it's absolutely ridiculous and a full-on nightmare for someone with really bad concentration issues AND to someone who's one primary ways of self-soothing (that can be done in public without looking weird) is listening to my "safe" music on a repeat. Not allowed.

Times when breaks can be taken are scheduled. I want to underline that I work in a management/senior position as an industry specialist. My work is not linework white collar office work. I can do it in the middle of the night if I feel like it. This is the company wanting to control people, nothing else. It's horrible because when I reach the point where I need a break, I just have to take it. But I can't. I need to keep pushing through until it's that time a'clock and I can go for my break and have the meltdown.

No remote work allowed. Remote work is a perk you earn when promoted to a senior manager. Us lower level people come to the office all day every day, no matter what.

Strict set working hours. You come to the office between 8am and 9am and leave between 5pm and 6pm. No exceptions. Except for senior managers and up. They do what they please.

I am not even joking when I say that there's been several days when I've been in the bathroom crying because of sensory overload has pushed me into a full-on anxiety attack and then I have had to aoldier through it and get back to work because it's been hours until my break or til the day has been over. I have already scratched the skin off my ankles and not a day goes by without being so overwhelmed that I just want to walk out and never come back.

It's sad and unfair that you have to spend a massive amount of your mental energy in dealing with things like this (plus dealing with other things, like attention deficit issues and social/communication issues). You're at work to deliver work results and somehow it's just one massive survival of the fittest course that never ends. How are you supposed to deliver results like neurotypicals?

The company of course prides themselves being inclusive and supporting neurodivergent people but this is the reality.

(Yes, fair question, why do I work here if it sucks? 1) I didn't know, the HR painted a different picture. 2) The reality is that at the moment, the market is very difficult and you gotta take what you get while you keep searching.)

[dollsonmain]

Ok, so...

Manager started a notebook and told us to write down what we need to order in the notebook, so I've been doing that.

I add things as I become aware of it being needed.

Today I wrote in something I'd asked for repeatedly (pork BBQ rib patties/McRibs, basically, which I suspect she only saw "BBQ pork" and stopped reading and that's why we have so many tubs of bbq pulled pork in the freezer....) and she was like "Make sure you tell me what you need by Mondays because the order goes in on Tuesday.

I was like "Ok..."

She can just order all that stuff on the next Tuesday... Next... Next week... Does she want me to not write things down UNTIL Monday???? Or write them as the week goes by and I become aware they're needed like I had been??????? Like wh...... The latter is more efficient?

I had asked for that repeatedly? There are 2 left (2 rib patties in a huge box in the freezer.......) and they won't sell by the time Monday rolls around again either way but... I did ask previously for that product.

Like, we stood there and had a conversation about them. We had lots of sub rolls expiring soon, and she had previously said she didn't want to order more rib patties because they weren't selling, so I suggested we put the rib patties into the sub rolls [because we normally slap them on burger buns and they look ridiculous because the bun covers about half the patty in the center and they really should be on sub rolls] and then heat them up and put them in the hot case, because people like to buy them out of the hot case and then be done with them. And she was like "Oh well they kind of took off..." and I was like "That's because I've been putting them in the hot case." They really do sell out of there, but not out of the cold case, and the same goes for the buffalo chicken with pepperjack. No one wants that cold, but when they're warm, people snatch them up.

I........

This week we have one tub of chicken salad that is brand new, I opened it yesterday, it expires today, and I was expected to make tons of little chicken salad sandwiches out of it, but if I do that then I have to throw it all away tomorrow and that seems a waste of bread, which we're always out of. Not that it's the right bread. It's "white wheat" bread which is just bread made with whole wheat flour that's been ground down finely.

She bought some burger buns at a store to make sandwiches with today and they all expire today.

I just.......

How has no one noticed this was happening??????? Like, NO one thought to check expiration dates?????? The past FOUR YEARS?

I'm so confused.

Me checking expiration dates has definitely opened her eyes to some issues, though. She's rearranging sections of the store, now, implementing pseudo-plan-o-grams in places that it's easy to do that like the automotive stuff and paper goods, things that don't move fast, to make reordering things easier, etc. but she's not THERE, yet, and the inventory is still all wrong.

I also saw her drawing a diagram for the Monster energy drinks so she's certainly looking at things a little differently, lately.

I'm still not sure if I can say to her "I know how to set up and manage a micro-warehouse because I have one in my basement. If you set me loose, I can get this all sorted, but everyone has to be on board and maintain the system for it to work and save you lots of trouble and money over time." because she is head strong and it would cost some money, AND she's just Manager. Everything has to pass by Owner, too, and he's not seeming too flexible.

And also that's not my job, my job is "cashier". I'm already doing way more than my job. I get paid $12/hr. That's nothing compared to the amount and variety of work I do. But the kind of person that I am, if given this Thing that needs fixed, omg let me fix it, just like how I've been pulling out fixtures that haven't been moved in ages and cleaning under and behind them and now she has the other employees doing stuff like that later in the day, too.

I am definitely shaking things up in there, and still not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. It's good for the store, certainly, in general. It's bad for the bottom line in the moment because they're suddenly having to liquidate expired stuff left and right because I go find it when I'm bored (all the more reason to not let me get bored, I guess), and that's showing Manager and Owner how inefficient the inventory and ordering is. I'm sure it's frustrating af for the both of them to have someone come in and be like "Wow, all of this is wrong."

[anonsally]

Shitty week at work

Boring chronicle below. I just needed to rant.

My week started off badly.

So, in early autumn of 2023, I'd applied for a promotion (which I was required to do), to be effective July 2024. In my job title, the promotion case is extremely similar to a professor applying for a promotion from Associate Professor to Full Professor. In particular, in addition to my CV, list of publications, and self-statement, external letters need to be solicited from objective scientists (at ranks equivalent to full professor) assessing my work. Five letters are required, at least half of which need to be from people on a list provided by the department/my supervisor; the rest can be from a list I provided but cannot include former collaborators or mentors.

I had initially provided 7 names; these were a mix of people I was slightly acquainted with and people I was not acquainted with at all. Unfortunately, only one of them agreed to write the letter (not surprising; several of the others were in leadership roles and probably didn't have time for this). Two declined and four didn't even bother to respond to the emails HR sent soliciting the letters.

So, in November 2023, HR asked me for more names. At this point, having pretty much exhausted the senior scientists I knew who were in a position to assess my work, I started searching the internet for full professors who work in my field. I provided 6 more names, 4 of whom were total strangers I'd never even heard of before I started searching, and one of whom I don't think I've met but he had collaborated with my supervisor. (My supervisor was also asked for more names.)

At some point several months later, I was informed that I had been told the wrong review period, so that my self-statement didn't include everything it should've. Argh. So there had already been a snafu with this process. But they promised that this would not affect my review.

The department made several hires last year, so my promotion case was a lower priority; the letter from the Dean's office in support of my promotion was finally provided about 4 months late. HR then sent the whole file to the central campus academic personnel office (APO), which is known to have a backlog, in August 2024. (The promotion, if it is ever approved, will be retroactive to July 2024.)

On Monday, I was told that APO had discovered that the case was submitted incorrectly: not enough of the external letters were from people on the department list (i.e., too many were from my list). They had received 7 letters (2 more than the required 5), but at least half must be from the department list. I don't know whether this means they got 4 from my list and 3 from the department list (in which case HR should've just dropped one of the ones from my list! If this is what happened, then I am being penalised for having too many recommendation letters, which is absurd.), or if it was even worse than that... But the upshot is, they have now asked my supervisor for more names. Which means that some important professors are going to be asked to write a letter of recommendation for someone they don't know. In December. I venture to predict that it will not be easy to find someone to do this.

Basically, if I ever get this promotion, it's going to be at least a year late. Like... they are soliciting letters over a month after when they would have solicited them for a promotion to be effective in July 2025, and I was supposed to get my promotion in July 2024. I am furious, too, because I did nothing wrong, this was a bureaucratic snafu (that should've been caught about a year ago), and yet there's a substantial amount of money I have earned that I have to wait several more months for.

So that's how my week started.

The week also ended badly. On Friday, the TA for the class I've been teaching asynchronously this semester said that he suspected academic misconduct. After reviewing the evidence, it looks like 3 of our students cheated... poorly... on an optional quiz (!)... and then two of them lied, unconvincingly, about it. So.

I hate everything.

[musings-of-a-rose]

Then and Now

Pairing: Tommy Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 4500+

Rating: Fluff mostly, except for one minor scene, but I'm leaving my regular blog warning here…Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes: thanks to @marvelousmermaid for the prompt and photo inspo! I've been dying to write Tommy and fluff sounds perfect!

Please excuse any typos as I'm writing this from my phone, which I hate doing. 

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

Main Masterlist

Tommy Miller Masterlist

This had been the work week from hell. Anything that could go wrong or take the most time possible, did. To say I was exhausted would be an understatement. 

I jam the keys in the ignition to my car, flipping off my place of work, immensely grateful I have the next few days in a row off. My cell rings and I groan, assuming it would be work trying to drag me back in because apparently I'm the only one who knows anything. A quick glance at the screen shows me I'm right. 

"Look, I'm off the clock. I'm taking my HR approved time off so figure it out or I'll see you in 3 days."

I hang up the phone, putting the car into drive and pulling out to the main road. I must have blanked out because the next thing I know, I'm parked in front of my boyfriend Tommy's house. 

I sit there for a couple minutes, completely puzzled by my arrival here before a soft knock at my window causes me to jump. 

"Sorry, honey! I was just checkin' on you."

My head turns and I meet his eyes, deep brown and full of concern and love. My entire body relaxes when I see his face and, embarrassingly, I feel tears start to make their way down my cheeks. I hadn't seen him in nearly 2 weeks, a work trip for him butted right up against a week from hell for me. 

I open my door and he's there, kneeling in front of me, his large hands on my thighs, slowly rubbing them up and down in a comforting manner. 

"Honey, what's wrong?" His eyes are wide and worried. 

I shake my head, willing the tears to stop as I wipe at the ones already fallen. "Nothing. Just a hard week."

"You wanna talk about it?"

I shake my head. "Not really."

He nods, rubbing his thumbs into my thighs. "Well let me know if you change your mind."

"Yeah. Ok."

We sit like that for a few more seconds before he speaks again. 

"You're staying for dinner."

It's not a question but also not a strict command. It's then I realize how bizarre this must seem to him, my showing up unannounced at his house in tears. 

"Shit, Tommy I'm sorry. I just.. I had a really long week and I blanked out and ended up here. I can g-"

"Don't you dare say go. Come on, honey. Let's get you inside."

One look into his eyes and he has me, those puppy eyes overriding any feeling I have where I don't want to be a burden. I nod and he smiles wide, standing with a groan as he extends his hand to me. I take it, allowing myself to be pulled up and out of the car. Pure instinct takes over and I nuzzle right into his large chest, feeling his arms close around me, hands rubbing my back. 

"How's a bath sound?"

"Yes please." Tommy has one of those giant soaking tubs where I can fit my entire body and my boobs under the water at the same time. I told him once if he ever broke up with me, I was taking the tub.

A quick kiss to the top of my head and Tommy leads me inside, tossing my bag on the entryway table as he guides me to his room. He sits me on the edge of the bed, cupping my face with his large, warm hands. 

"I'll be right back, honey. Just gonna pour you that bath, ok?"

"Ok."

I hear the water turn on and Tommy returns, kneeling in front of me again, helping me take off my clothes. It's not sexual but tender, Tommy taking great care to make sure I know this is for me and he expects nothing. 

He helps me into the tub, a nice warm bubble bath with the special soap I had left there. He helps me settle and stands there a moment, a stray curl falling forward towards his eyes. 

"I'm gonna whip us up a couple of steaks. Please don't drown."

I smile up at him. "With the promise of a world famous Tommy Miller steak? Not a chance I'd miss that."

He flashes me that smile, lighting up the bathroom. "I'll come back and check on you."

The bath helps to calm me, all the aches slowly leaching out of my body, the tension headache I'd been nursing all week with pain meds completely disappears. Once the water starts to cool, I get out, wrapping myself in one of his towels. It smells like him, wood and cologne and something distinctly him. I pull the towel a little tighter and head into the bedroom, pausing when I remember I have no clean clothes. Then I see them on the bed, one of his shirts and a pair of boxers laid out for me. Smiling, I pull them on, tossing the towel into the hamper before heading downstairs. 

He's standing just outside on the deck, his back to the sliding door as he concentrates on grilling. I slide open the door and walk up behind him. Without turning, he addresses me. 

"How was the bath?"

"Relaxing. Thank you. And thanks for the clothes."

"As much as I'd love to see you walk around naked, I thought you'd appreciate something to cover up with."

He glances towards me and does a double take, his eyes roaming across my body, or what he can see of it under his shirt. His pupils get wider and his eyes darker, swallowing hard. 

"You-you look good in my clothes."

"You should see yourself in them." I run my hand down his back, holding it at his lower back. He shivers for a moment and then shakes his head. 

"As much as I'd love to get in them with you, I want you to relax. This is about you, not me."

"Well what if I want you to?"

He lets out a dark chuckle. "Raincheck? I can see how hard you've been workin' and I know you're hungry."

I've never had a man turn down sex before. But it's not rejection - he's trying to take care of me how he can. 

Before I can reply, he's taking the steaks off the grill, setting one each on a plate where vegetable skewers already sit. Everything looks mouth wateringly delicious. 

"I may not be able to cook much of anything, but I can grill up a steak and veggies."

"Fuck yes you can."

Idle chatter while we eat, Tommy telling me about this asshole contractor him and Joel are forced to work with.

"It's only until the end of the month, right?" I ask. 

"We're hoping we can drop him come October, yeah. September is going to drag on though. I don't know how Joel will make it another 2 weeks."

"Isn't his birthday soon?"

He nods. "Yeah. Sarah's got something planned I'm sure."

—----

The next morning, I wake to the smell of coffee and bacon, faint sounds of Tommy in the kitchen gently bringing me awake. I'm pleasantly sore, Tommy having spent some time between my thighs after I nearly begged him to, saying it would help me relax. And it did. 

I stretch, feeling the soreness and remembering the night when a quiet knock raps on the door. 

"You awake, honey?"

"I aaaammm," I yawn.

I hear him chuckle and when he opens the door, I see that smile I love so much. 

"Mornin' honey." Tommy enters the room carrying a tray of food, eggs and bacon with a mug of coffee and a flower set on the side. 

I sit up. "What's all this?"

Tommy walks over and sets the tray down over my lap, that smile stretching wider as he takes my face in. "I made you breakfast in bed. Bacon, extra crispy, scrambled eggs with Pico de Gallo, and coffee the way you like."

I pick up the flower, smiling. "Is this from outside?"

He laughs nervously. "It…is. It's a weed I'm sorry."

I laugh, touching his hand that was leaning on the bed. "I love it, Tommy. All of this smells amazing. You're joining me, right?"

"If you want me to."

"I always do."

Tommy sits on the bed next to me, eyes bright and wide as he watches me take a few bites. 

"Is it good?"

"Delicious," I say with my mouth full of food. 

There's my favorite smile again as he slaps his thigh. "Good. I wanted to make sure you had a good breakfast in you."

I cock my head to the side. "You sound like you're preparing me for something. Do we have plans for the day?"

He tries to hide his smile, instantly looking guilty. "Maybe."

"Tommy Miller, what do you have planned?" I can't hide the smile from my voice so I shove more food in my mouth to compensate. 

"You'll just have to wait and see."

"I have no clean clothes."

A large hand comes up to rub at the back of his neck. "Actually…." He gets up and walks to his closet, disappearing inside. I hear some rummaging and he remerges with a bag, handing it out to me. I take it and Tommy removes the finished tray of food so I have room. Opening the bag, I pull out a beautiful sundress, a floral leafy pattern embroidered onto the outside.

"Oh Tommy! This is…" I'm speechless. 

"Do you like it? I wasn't sure but I know you like plants and I thought that color would look good on you." 

His eyes are wide and round, like a puppy seeking approval. I set the dress down and cup his face, making sure he looks at me. 

"It's beautiful, Tommy. Absolutely perfect. Thank you." 

I pull him to me and kiss him, deepening it the longer it lasts. Soft moans between us,, Tommy pushing me onto my back, his body hovering over mine. I wrap my legs around his hips and he grunts, grinding into me once before breaking the kiss, pressing his forehead to mine. 

"As much as I want to take you right now, we're on a schedule."

I raise an eyebrow as he pulls his head from mine. "Tommy Miller following a schedule? This must be serious."

He smiles gently, tucking hair behind my ear. "I just want things to be perfect for you. I know I'm not the easiest at times."

I brush a stray curl from his forehead. "You are perfect to me. I wish you wouldn't doubt yourself so much." 

"What did I do to deserve you?"

"I ask myself that same question every day."

—----

An hour later and we're on the road, mysterious bags loaded up into the back of his truck. I ask him repeatedly where we're going but he just gives me that same impish smile and says it's a surprise.

We pulled into the parking lot for the Blanton Art Museum, which I had been dying to check out but never made the time in the 10 years since I moved to Austin. 

"You remembered?"

Tommy parks the truck and shifts in his seat to look at me. "Of course, honey. Ready to go in?"

"Absolutely."

We spent the next few hours roaming the museum, Tommy not paying the slightest attention to any of the actual artwork as he was too busy taking in my face. When I asked him what he was looking at, he said "The most beautiful piece in this place." I rolled my eyes but smiled, continuing on our way. 

Lunch was street tacos from a food truck, one of Tommy's favorite spots that he'd constantly talk about. And for good reason - they were delicious.

We get back in his truck, starting to drive out of the city. 

"We got a couple hours ahead of us, honey. You need a stop?"

"Not now. Where are we going?"

His lips curve up at the edges ever so slightly. "It's a surprise."

"It's a good thing I trust you, Tommy Miller, or a girl might get worried."

He laughs, chest and shoulders shaking with it. "Oh you should always be worried about me."

A couple hours later, he turns off onto a nearly hidden dirt drive, winding its way through trees and bramble. And then it clears, opening up to a beautiful cabin style house with a lake that I can see through the trees lining the back yard. 

The house was exactly what Tommy had been talking about with me for months on end, asking my opinions on everything from architecture to the paint on the walls. It's like he reached in my brain and made it real. 

"Tommy, this is…beautiful! Do the clients love it?"

His eyebrows pinch together. "Clients?"

"Yeah. Didn't you build this for someone?"

He's quiet a moment, studying me. "I did."

"And they're just letting you use it?"

"They won't mind. Come on! Time for a tour." 

He offers me his hand getting out of the truck and I take it, loving the way his skin immediately warms mine. He doesn't drop my hand, using it instead to pull me to him and giving me a gentle kiss. 

"I love you, honey."

"I love you too."

He leads me inside, his hand never leaving mine as he starts the tour. The house has 4 bedrooms and bathrooms, 2 offices, a large garage, beautiful windows that open to the outside all along the back wall of the open kitchen and living room, with a dining area. The entire place is furnished and absolutely breathing taking. 

"Tommy, this is… you've really outdone yourself!"

He walks up behind me, having dropped my hand to let me explore the house. He wraps his arms around me, kissing my cheek. 

"You like it?" 

"Uh, yeah! You sure the owners won't mind we're here?"

"They're good. I promise. Now wait here a moment while I unload the truck."

I nod, eyes still sweeping over the beautiful brick fireplace in the living room. Tommy takes a few trips to bring in the mysterious bags, setting some at the edge of the hallway that leads to some bedrooms and the rest in the kitchen. He closes the front door behind him when he's done and starts to take things out of the bags in the kitchen. Lots of food, fresh veggies and meats, and..a picnic basket. He puts the food away and turns back to me, grabbing the basket. 

"Hungry? I have a place I wanna show you out back. And I.. I made us a…well, a picnic." He holds up the basket, a slight pink settling on his cheeks like he's embarrassed about it. 

"You made me a picnic?"

"It's… not much but I thought it would be nice. If you don't want to, that's fine-"

I grab his shirt and pull him down to me, my lips pressed against his as I squeeze his shirt tighter. "It's perfect."

"Ok well you better stop with that or we'll never eat."

"Well if that's the case-"

He puts his finger over my lips to prevent me from kissing him, mock shock on his face. 

"Are you trying to take advantage of me, miss?"

"I most certainly am."

His demeanor shifts, a dark lust settling in his already dark eyes. "Save it for later." 

That voice was commanding and it send a shiver of anticipation through me. 

He leads me out back where a nice patio and firepit sit, past the small in ground pool and through the trees at the back. You can see the lake clearly once you pass the trees, a little dock jutting out into the quiet lake. 

He spreads out a flannel blanket and sets the basket down, offering me his hand to help me sit. Once I do, he sets up the picnic, which turns out to be a beautiful board of meats and cheeses, grapes and crackers. A bottle of wine and 2 glasses are unloaded as well, the cork popping when Tommy opens it and pours a glass each. 

We talk about the house and he tells me it was important to the owners that it was self sufficient. They have generators that use the power of the river a quarter mile away, a greenhouse, and 2 cellars, one specification for growing root vegetables. I perk up at that as I've always wanted my own garden and to be self sufficient. 

He explains they're waiting on chickens and such and that a barn will be built on the property to house all of the animals. 

"They appreciated my point of view as a veteran too. Said I would know what is really needed for survival."

"Were they preppers or something?"

Tommy shakes his head. "Not exactly. Just wanted some place where they didn't have to worry about an electric bill I suppose."

"Wouldn't that be nice?"

"You'd live out here?"

I look around, sighing slightly. "I think I would. Especially if I had the right people with me." 

The more we chat, the more nervous Tommy becomes, wiping his sweaty palms against his jeans and stuttering a lot, which is not like him. 

"Tommy… you ok?"

"What? Oh. Yeah I'm… great. More than great really."

"Are you sure? Because you look like you might throw up."

He chuckles, slightly nervous. "I love you, so much, honey. You know that, right?"

"I do…"

"Then that will make this a little easier."

He sits up, shifting his weight to his good knee as he kneels in front of me. Reaching in his pocket, he pulls out a small, black box. 

"I have loved you since the moment I met you. You never judge me for anythin' and always let me be me. You've stuck with me through the nightmares and the good times. You're always there for me. And I hope you'll always let me be there for you too."

He opens the box where a beautiful ring sits, exactly my style.

"Will you marry me?"

Tears cloud my vision as I nod instantly, eyes shifting from his to the ring and back.

"I need a verbal confirmation, honey."

"Oh sorry, YES!"

The widest smile I've ever seen spreads across his face, and yet his eyes still contain doubt, as if he wasn't worthy of love. "You will?"

"You've had me since the moment I saw you, Tommy. I love you."

He takes my hand and slides the ring on gently. I pull him to me, laying back as my fingers pick at the edge of his shirt, finding skin there. He grunts, holding himself above me, kissing me deeply as if I would change my mind if he didn't. 

"Oh there's one more thing, honey."

"There's more??"

"Remember how I told you the owners of the house wouldn't mind if we used it?"

"Yeah…"

"Well…that's because I..well we, are the owners. If you'd like?"

"You mean…we would own this place?"

"Only if you want to."

I plant my hands on either side of his face, bringing him down to kiss me. "What did I do to deserve you, Tommy Miller?"

"Must have been something bad."

He smirks as I smack him playfully. "I would love this house."

"Then it's ours."

—----

We had planned for a spring wedding here at our house, only wanting family and a handful of close friends to attend. 

Of course that all changed just a couple weeks after Tommy had proposed. When the world went to shit.

I was at the cabin, bringing some boxes of stuff and more foods. I had the brilliant idea to start canning, so I brought along what I had made so far, along with other odds and ends. We had decided I would move in with Tommy at his place in the city and we would come to the cabin when we had time off.

It's very remote, so I didn't think anything of it when I couldn't find a TV station broadcasting anything. I just grabbed my book and headed off to bed. 

A few hours later, I hear the door downstairs fly open and voices float up to me. Instantly I recognize Tommy's voice, but that's not the one I'm listening to. 

It's Joel. The sounds he's making are unrecognizable, virtually inhuman. I have never heard someone make those sounds before then. They dug into me, pulling at every fiber of my being and I lunged from the bed, practically running downstairs, taking them 2 at a time. 

Joel and Tommy are in the living room, both on the ground, crumbled into each other. Tommy is holding Joel, rocking back and forth and saying things to him that I can't discern. Tears are streaming down both their faces and I realize they're both covered in blood, Joel bleeding more from his side as if he'd been shot and it had missed.

It's then I realize Sarah is missing. 

—----

20 years has passed since that day. We've been through so much shit, but so has everyone. Joel eventually left us to do his own thing, and Tommy and I eventually found a place called Jackson in Wyoming and settled down. We did get married there, with mountains as our backdrop instead of our lake house.

It had been a long week, the crops were being harvested and we were behind on preparing for the winter ahead. Tommy and I both had been working our hands raw to get Jackson ready for the season, barely having time for each other due to exhaustion. 

A couple more weeks pass in this manner before a day off. Maria, who ran Jackson, insisted I take a day, as I was always the first to show up and the last to leave. And, as she lovingly said, "You're not getting any younger." 

Light shines in through the window, the curtains blowing in the cool, early fall breeze let in by the propped window. Yawning, I stretch, hand automatically moving to Tommy, except my hand lands on an empty bed. 

Sitting up, I rub my eyes, looking down at the empty space. Just then I hear clanging in the kitchen, followed by swearing. I hear his footsteps on the hard floors, our bedroom door being pushed open with a gentle nudge of his hip. 

"Did I wake you? I'm sorry honey."

"You didn't. Everything ok?"

"All good. Although we may be down a pan."

I chuckle and he moves towards the bed, a tray full of food in his hands.

"What's all this?" I ask, mouth watering slightly.

"You've been workin' so hard and I know your shoulder has been acting up. I wanted you to relax today."

"Tommy. You didn't need to do this."

"I know. And yet, here I am."

He smiles, curls falling forward as he sets the tray across my lap. It's got bacon and eggs, little tomatoes and onions cut up and added in. 

"This looks delicious, Tommy. Thank you."

"Welcome, honey." He leans forward to kiss me, mustache tickling my lips. 

"You're joining me?" I ask and he nods. 

"If that's ok?"

I pull him closer, fingers clutching at his shirt. He chuckles as he scoots closer to me. 

"Ok ok I get the hint."

We finish breakfast and lay in bed, tray put aside, and check in with each other. It's something we try to do at least weekly, wanting to be involved in each other's lives but also to make sure we have time for each other. You'd think there would be a ton of time in the apocalypse, but it's hard when survival is on the line. 

"Ok time to get dressed, honey."

"Well that's a first - trying to get me in clothes and not out of them."

He smiles like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. "I'd love to have you out of them but we're expected somewhere."

I cuddle further into his chest. "Can't we just stay here instead?"

A rumble vibrates his chest and he hugs me tighter. "I want to, honey, but we're on a schedule."

"Isn't it our day off?"

He kisses the top of my head. "Just come on."

Groaning, I get up and dressed, Tommy dressing as well. He offers me his arm as we walk out of our home, walking me down several streets until we arrive at the school.

"What are we doing here?" I ask. 

He pulls me inside and I gasp. The entire school had been transformed into an art gallery, pictures painted and drawn by the students of Jackson. Little messages to us both are pinned next to each of them, explaining what the pictures were about. I'm absolutely speechless. 

"Did…did you do this, Tommy?"

He nods. "I did. I know you miss the art galleries and now we have one."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"I love you, honey." He kisses me and we spend more time looking at the pictures before heading out. But he turns away from our home and heads towards the barns on the top of the main hill. 

We arrive at the stables and he hitches a horse to a cart, extending a hand to help me up. He loads a couple of baskets into the back before jumping up himself, grabbing the reigns and leading the horse out of the barn. 

"It's pointless to ask where we're going, isn't it?" 

He nods. "You'll see soon."

An hour or so later, we appear at the lake, a secluded area that we've been to before. It's always gorgeous here and even more so now that some of the trees have decided to start fall a little early.

He helps me down from the cart and grabs the baskets, spreading out the picnic before motioning to me to sit. It's simple sandwiches and veggies, but he's also somehow managed to get a piece of chocolate and my eyes grow wide.

"Where did you score that?"

"Traded with the last caravan that came through." 

"Tommy, this…this was a perfect day. Thank you." 

We eat in silence for a few moments. 

"Do you know why I chose today?"

I wrack my brain. "Honestly I've been going non stop, I couldn't even tell you the date."

He cups my face with one of his large, warm hands. "You have been. Which is part of the reason for this day. But also… I proposed to you on this day, so many years ago, before…" He gestures around. 

"Oh, Tommy." I can't help the tears forming in my eyes. "I'm so sorry I didn't realize what day it was-"

He puts a finger to my lips. "None of that. I just wanted to do somethin' special. I love you, honey. I'm so grateful that we've made it together and I love spending my life with you."

The tears fall now and he uses his thumbs to brush them from my cheeks. Pulling me to him, he kisses me before gently pushing me back into the blanket. I nuzzle into his chest and he holds me to him as we watch the sunset, somehow together after the end of the world.

❤If you enjoy the fic, please consider giving me a warm beverage!(It is not required in any way!)

—---

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[chemicalcarousel]

just finished watching that 2 hr colin ross lecture about DID and it was so good. i had no idea schizophrenia used to encompass DID when it was coined, but it makes so much sense with the name "split mind" and why people mix them up all the time and also why we were suspected to be psychotic at first. it's just scary that modern psychiatrists still can't tell the difference. we really recognised the struggle of "not fitting in any diagnostic box" (what multiple doctors have told us) because our symptoms seem kinda psychotic at first glance if you don't know much about traumatology

it's really wild hearing someone describe a patient with DID and relating so much to it, when you're used to being told by doctors in your life that you're such a weird case and maybe you have thing unique disorder that hasn't been described in literature yet. it's scary because DID is so common compared to what doctors suspect. i have very clear symptoms of being traumatised, i openly tell them i have complex childhood trauma, yet they think i can't have a trauma disorder or at most they might say bpd. i'm so obviously fragmented!! there's a reason i was all over the place symptom-wise when i was hospitalised for depression!!! some days i seemed not depressed and other days i almost killed myself because i'm dissociative!! like i didn't know back then either, but doctors should have noticed. they should have screened me for dissociative symptoms!!! they should do that with all patients, especially when they are fucking hospitalised!!!

i have switched to child alters in front of my psychologist before and she just wanted to see me "do that voice again" while i was so fucking scared because i didn't know what was going on. i know she probably said it to see if it was voluntary that i could change my voice, but it felt so humiliating and like i was a circus freak the way she asked. like she already knew it wasn't voluntary and it was a response to being triggered in therapy because we talked about my childhood trauma!!! she'd said she knew it was an automatic reaction i had to being triggered, still she said i didn't have "real flashbacks" so i didn't have ptsd and it was all just bipolar, which it turns out i don't even have!!!! lol she ended up giving up on me and passing me on to some other therapist, but man... she made me almost kms so many times lol i know she didn't mean to, but she was so fucking bad at her job imho

it was so fucking funny to have entered the clinic in 2018 with my own personal suspicious being that i have cptsd, then getting told no i don't until late 2023 where my 2nd therapist asks me if i know about cptsd and that i seem to have it BITCH I KNOW LMFAO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS BUT YALL GASLIGHTED ME INTO THINKING I COULDN'T HAVE IT AND TOLD ME I WAS PSYCHOTIC AND NEEDED ANTIPSYCHOTICS, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MOOD STABILIZERS AND DIDN'T LISTEN WHEN NONE OF IT WORKED!!!!!

man.... and now im waiting like 69 weeks for my next psychiatrist bc i gave up on that shit clinic, who didn't want to transfer me to their trauma department because i didn't have war or service related trauma..... even though i found out they also treat other cases than that............ this system is a fucking joke. also the 69 weeks is not for a specialist, this was just the quickest i can see a psychiatrist without trying to kms and being involuntarily hospitalised. i'm just gonna see some normal psychiatrist and idk if she even believes in DID bc i didn't get to talk with her, only her secretary. so maybe when that year and three months have passed i find out she only knows how to diagnose anxiety and depression <333 or maybe she's homophobic or transphobic, bc that's something i've also experienced! <3333333

man.... i was brutally abused by my family and neglected by the system since before i was born and now im just.... stuck here with an illness there's a cure for, but with no access to it!!!! and it's not like i haven't tried getting help - i've been in and out of psych treatment from age 14-27!!! i've read up on shit myself bc here doctors just say "idk take this pill and stfu, hysteric woman" like i've been misdiagnosed so many times now.... at least im almost off all of my psych meds now! like they are good for some, but i was literally just fed pills for shit i didn't have and when i wasn't feeling better, they just upped the dose and told me i'd be more unstable without it when this doctor had never seen me without it and i've been on it for like a decade, still super unstable <3

long rant/vent lol but idk man it's just nice getting some of this out of my system

[fuck-customers]

Have any of you guys had a manager/coworker that you were honestly fine with, but everyone else hated and you can't figure out why?

So I've been through 3 store managers in my time working at my current company and the first 2 were HELL CUNTS, just absolutely horrible. And the current manager is fine. Tolerable at worst, nice at best.

A small summary of SM #1:

-screamed at me in front of an entire store of coworkers and customers and physically pushed me out of his way when he wanted to use the store computer, but I was using it first

-would schedule me for recovery/go-backs and would lecture me for not being able to finish them all in my 4 hour shift and blame me personally to the rest of the store. Was later told by a coworker that she would see him go around the store and grab random items off the shelves and throw them in a cart to create another "go-backs cart"

-would assign me one task and then take me off task A to do task B and then take me off task B to do task C, etc etc etc and I was never able to finish anything and then would throw me under the bus to other managers and claimed I didn't do any work

-would ask me to come in for a shift on my day off and when I showed up to the store to clock in, he would ask why I was at the store and either pretend like he didn't call me in or pretend like he "forgot" to tell me that he already got coverage

-just generally would talk down to me and belittle me as if I were a small child or an animal

-there's probably more, but I probably blocked it out so I could continue going to work without going on a rampage

SM #2:

-was only there for a little over a year, but fired/forced all my coworker friends to quit

-would gaslight me about anything and everything; store policies, things she said, things other managers said, etc.

-also would assign multiple tasks at the same time and refuse to let me complete one

-hired new people left and right and then refused to train them so the new employees didn't know how to do anything and made more work for everyone else

-waited until after 5:00 on Saturday, the last day of the work week to post the schedule for the next week and then revised it multiple times throughout the week each week so no one ever knew when they were working

-regularly changed my schedule to cut my hours and then would attempt to call me in throughout the week + would cut a shift and then try to get me to come in for a different shift on the same day after revising the schedule to give me that day off

-scheduled people, but mostly me, 3 hour shifts so she wouldn't legally have to give them a paid break

-most importantly, fabricated a fake story to attempt to get me fired for a fake EEOC complaint, which would've effectively ruined my entire future

The current SM:

-is a little bit ditzy/spacey

-is wound a little tight/is a little bit neurotic

-???

-That's about it?? Almost every employee hates her and I cannot figure out why. I suspect that the previous SM (SM #2) is somehow involved, since every current employee other than me and 2 other people (who also don't mind her) was hired by SM #2. None of them have given me any reasons that make any sense. She was a little bit snippy with them? Ok? She didn't yell at them in front of customers or call them names or swear at them. They claimed that she made the store messy/disorganized, when she had only been here less than a week and the previous SM #2 didn't do any recovery or cleaning of the store for a year. One of the complaints I heard literally imo translated to "she asked me to do my job" Like, I also don't like to do my job, but that's what a manager is supposed to do. Tell you to do your job. One of my leads and a small group of employees have banded together and decided they wanted to report her to HR and get her fired. Because of the above mentioned "incidents" (I don't think they actually submitted the report though. Or if they did, HR looked at it and laughed and threw it away)

Posted by admin Rodney.

[polysprachig]

I hope you haven't answered that somewhere on your blog already (if you have I do apologize for the question), but how much time do you spend learning each of your target languages?

Thanks for the question, anon!

In pre-2019 days I tried to learn multiple languages at the same time, often in a way which was stressful and wasn't suitable to my timetable. I was in love with the idea of spending 2-3 hours per day studying and allocating certain days of the week as x-language days, or establishing months where I'd only plan to read/watch series or films/listen to music in one language.

Tip: don't stress yourself out with nonsensical study checklists. They quickly become uninspiring and lose all the fun.

In 2019 I decided to go about things in a different way entirely, both shifting my focus to solidifying specific skills in my main 5 languages (English, German, French, Irish, Greek) and going from rigid/timed practice to project-based learning. Basically, I made up some silly, yet important goal (with a methodology behind it, considering I teach and assess language levels and can do the same for myself).

Ex. In 2019, I set myself the silly goal of practising my Greek in secret so that I could surprise my family when I visited them in Greece that summer. The plan: keep quiet about it and only learn while at my American grandparents' house (I was staying there overnight at the time to help them back to bed in their old age) so that my direct family wouldn't notice. The methodology: meet 2x or 3x per week for 30 minutes with my teacher, rather than 1x per week for 1 hr, as frequency is better than duration when trying to build speaking confidence at lower levels (and, I would especially argue this is true for passive bilinguals).

Given the types of projects I've worked on in my top 5 languages (and also some others which needed to join the mix to support these 5 over the past few years), I might start out intending to spend 6-8 months one main language project, but have easy access to 2 less intensive (but more long-term projects) so that I can easily go between them based on where my interests have taken me.

[arty-ffxiv]

💖Just a gentle nudge to remind you that you're not just existing—you're thriving, even on days when it doesn't feel that way. You're a one-of-a-kind force in this world, bringing light and love in ways you might not even realize. You've overcome so much, and you should be proud of every step you've taken, no matter how small. The world is better with you in it, and you've already made such a difference just by being you. Keep going, keep growing, and never forget how important you are💖

Thank you, who ever you are. This message warmed my heart and has been a well needed reminder ♥

I've not advertised it much, but I've been on a FFXIV/ Tumblr hiatus for the past ~5ish weeks; this blog has been running on old, queued content since then. I'm feeling quite drained and burned out, and frustrated as I'd just gotten back into my creative outlets again.

It's the longest time I've taken away from the game, and I didn't want to step away so soon from the FFXIV Tumblr community again after returning from another long hiatus.

Putting more under the cut, for those interested in IRL stuff. Otherwise, please know that I'm ok, just taking a break.

I've been in a bit of a strange place mentally, since before Dawntrail dropped.

In the week leading up to the expac's early access release, I was made redundant from a job role that I really loved. I'd been in limbo regarding my role for a number of months, and hadn't anticipated any movement or news for at least another few months- things move slowly in the community services world.

I had a week of annual leave booked for the expansion release- I was keen for the break, and excited to be going into the new adventure with the new friends I'd made within the Tumblr FFXIV community.

2 days before I was due to go on leave, I was told I was having a meeting with HR and my line manager. I was advised to bring a support person.

My anxiety sky rocketed, and the next day I was given the news of my redundancy. I was given some options to mull over for the next few days- redeployment to another site, putting in an application for a more senior role with no guarantee I'd be successful, or to leave the organization.

As you can imagine, this put a big dampener on my excitement for Dawntrail. I'm grateful that the news came when it did, so at least my leave was spent with something to focus on instead of just moping about, but it just fucking sucked.

I was spending most of my time on leave in game, trying to keep my mind off work and the mess of emotions and confusion I knew I'd be coming back to. I enjoyed the expac- at least the first half. I wasn't emotionally prepared, or ready, for the second half.

I won't be going into details for those who have yet to finish the MSQ, nor to upset myself further.

The second half of the story was just too much; I spent my time in the last zone consumed with the thoughts of I'm not having fun anymore, I'm not enjoying this, let's just rip this fucking bandaid off and get through it, we can process all the feelings this is dredging up for us later.

Since finishing the MSQ, I've not really done much else in-game or really logged in again. I've been reflecting on it, and I think the ending of the expac triggered some deep-seated traumas for me. This, coupled with the grief and mixed emotions of moving into a new work environment, has really exhausted me.

I'm 5 weeks into my new workplace, and I'm enjoying it but am just so exhausted. While I'm still in the same organization, my workload is more than it was previously and I've lost the motivation I'd only recently gotten back for FFXIV and creating.

Hopefully now that I've gone through the motions of resettling and learning the ropes in this new space, my creativity will begin to come back. I can only hope.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Crazy to log back in after all this time especially after the way I left things. So much has changed and I'm nearly 2 years sober in November. My year long addiction such a central part of me now. Even with me never bothering to take it anymore, being in that state of mind for so long changed me in so many ways. In just a year at that

I've color coded the sections. It was too much of a wall of text. Orange is for work, pink for my boo, green for my life perspective now that im sober and older, the other colors... you'll see it when you get there. Just a summary of everything I've ever wanted to talk about in all this time.

I've quit that job I was talking bout last post. Worked there til mid April and I rage quit. Put my two weeks in then just ain't show for the last what.. 4 days? Fuck that job fr. Assholes worked me to death. How tf I was parttime and working 12 hour shifts back to back at that?

Anyway. I still work in the same field. I'm just at these retirement homes now. I work two at the moment, though one just offered me a new position up there so hopefully I can leave the one closest to me. Buttholes think I'm a robot up there.

The biggest change is thatt, I have a partner now. He's been here with me since late July. We've gotten an apartment now, too as of like 2 months ago now. I've never trusted anyone more.

How it all went down? I was friendly with his sister as she was the one that trained me. I used to talk to her alot which end up leading to me meeting her brother since he also worked up there and was constantly around his little sister. We ended up talking more than me and the sister did. He used to come out to the cafeteria i was running and talk to me for however long time allowed. Whether for an hour or for a few mins, he'd say hi to me.

After a lil while, led to her inviting me to her house. At my old job, in our 12 shift, we were really there for 14 hrs. They gave us an hour and a half break between the 1st and 2nd shift. With her only living 5 mins from the job it wasn't a hard ask lol. Sitting around at that job was not fun. I was by this point not feeling nothing towards my partner but friendship. Which was crazy cause a few days later, I went out there seeing if my dad was outside, only to see him outside waiting to pick up his sister. I was talking to him out in the rain for a lil, then i ofc got in the car to continue talking after a while. Sat there running my mouth for long enough that his sister came out. She had this devilishly big smile on her face when she said "oh I did invite you over"

That one trip led to coming over hanging out with her brother specifically, spending a night watching movies in her room, getting friendly with their mom. I started to feel so welcome. Then, I got a lil tipsy annd bumped my head and he pulled me towards him trying to see if I was okay annnd the rest was history. I ended up moving in, with their mother's push and my family pushing me away with how eager they were for me to gtfo. Barely talk to me now that im gone. Unless i reach out ofc. It's been ups, downs, but he somehow was there through all that.

I even got kicked out the house for "hitting" their mother. In reality, by that point, I was paying $250 a month for the room I shared with him, I paid for household supplies, I cleaned. Everything. So after a while, it was a bit tiring getting screamed at for any and every mistake I made. I had threw away pieces of this series x box and she told me take it out her trash and throw it in the outside. I grabbed as much as I could at the time as I had other pieces already in my hand but it wasn't good enough. She said to come get the rest and I was confused. I just said my hands are full and I went to throw the rest away. But me saying my hands were full was a problem. I don't know if I said it in a tone, I was tryna be as calm as I could, but it wasn't good enough.

She started yelling and talking shit, calling me names. All types of stuff. Me and him was just taking it. Not saying a single thing back, like she liked. But he threw his phone at the wall in frustration and I thought it was time to fix it. It wasn't that serious in my eyes. So I came up to her asking why she thought I had an attitude so we can fix it. I didn't have an attitude and even if I did, I still did what she asked with no hesitation. With two trips, I threw the whole box away and ripped it up just like she wanted to make sure it wouldn't take up too much room. But all that was null and void because of how she perceived my voice.

So in my failed attempts to get her to talk to me, she just getting angrier and angrier which made me frustrated. I just stood there asking again and again what did I do to make you think I had an attitude, her getting mad and saying she ain't have to explain herself to me, which I was trying to explain I wasn't trying to make her explain why she was mad I just wanted to know how I wronged you so I CAN FIX IT. And me standing there and her getting angry eventually led her to pointing a finger right in my face which I swatted away. It was reflex really. Was mere inches away from my eye and I never once touched her so why get physical?? I don't know what possessed her to even do that.

And me swatting her hand, was the worst decision ever. The mother started trying to swing at me, the sisters boyfriend that also lived there at that point was trying to hit me and my boyfriend jumped in and pulled me back. I couldn't focus on nothing anymore and the next thing I knew the sisters boyfriend came up to me and pushed me onto the bed. I was so scared I didn't know what he was going to do next and I started freaking out. I couldn't breath I couldn't think. I just felt so scared and helpless. I had to hear the rest after the fact

My boyfriend and his sister's boyfriend both got into a fight, the sister and the mother tried to break up. The mom got pushed down to the floor in the process (which was as I said, happened during the process of a whole fist fight between these grown men. You'll see why I clarify this), my boyfriend picked him up, and somehow someway, the sisters boyfriend went to go grab his gun. A gun that he apparently had at the house. It was an assault riffle

When he did that the whole atmosphere changed. No one was focused on the fight they were focused on him putting the gun up. Then they came to me and that's where my pov comes back. I was there on the bed curled up crying ripping out my hair, and my boyfriend standing over me just angry at everything. He just stood over me crying frustrated trying to get me breathe. Then the sister just stood over me, like I was an alien. I regretted even saying anything. I wondered if I should've just grabbed it all and just let it fall out my hands so she knew I wasn't being funny acting. I started to wonder if I was right to swat her hand or should I have let her touch me first before I did that. All these thoughts made me feel so powerless as none of those decisions should have led to this brawl.

The sisters boyfriend tried to play man of the house and talk shit and the sister just smiled. My boyfriend still hasn't forgiven her for it. He never looks at her the same anymore. It feels like I broke up the family. To. This. Day. The mom kicked me out and my boyfriend said fuck everyone and left with me. He helped me pack everything because the mom was telling me "my fatass needs to hurry up" and "sitting there like shit sweet" and smart comment after smart comment while I'm over there just bawling my eyes out. We went to his dad's house who asked for an explanation but once we explained, he respected that it was a huge blowup, and the dude pulling out a gun was bigger than all this.

Little did we know, the little bit of relief we felt being at his dad's house for the night would be short lived. The mom, sister, and her boyfriend were all going around calling up family to tell their twisted version of events. They said I hit mama and my partner pushed her to the ground. I felt like a mouse. The whole family hated me atp. But we spent a night at the dad's house, explained everything to everyone calling him and just kept on going. The sisters ended up believing us in saying they were kinda shocked to hear I'd hit their mom knowing how I am so they were more mad that they twisted the story and didn't even include the fact this man just pulled out a gun on their brother. We told everything as it happened so it helped our story alot

Anyway, we lived there for a few months, feeling trapped and stupid. His dad's house was filthy and we were working hard to pay rent at his dad's, find and apartment, and save for a deposit fee. We barely could eat because the kitchen was so nasty half the time you didn't know what you were touching. The silverware were half dirty, the fridge handle always had food remnants caked on it, food would be left out overnight and more, dishes there for days. Everything. This is all because his dad is half blind and his fiance works so she expects him to do all the cleaning. His cleaning skills are not the best but I can't fully blame him given his disability.

We were eating off fast food everyday for months because of this. We'd barely eat just because we hid rhe fact we were eating out where we could, so he wouldn't feel offense on why we wouldn't eat his and her food, and we kept it pushing.

We moved out in April annd things have gotten better in a sense. We argue way more but I think that's natural for how much more we get to be around each other. I don't work as long hours and we're in each other's face 24/7. But I get so angry. I don't know why. It's like I hold back so much, just angry talking at first, then he says something that makes me snap. Then, I'm screaming, throwing things, and I try to get away. It feels all instinct, like someone else is taking over. And all I can do is wait til I calm down and apologize for being scary. I don't hurt him. I never will. I've thrown my phone, broken countless bracelets off me, and I've scratched myself over and over trying to make myself focus on something else, but I've never thrown more than a pen directly at him. I feel so guilty everytime I do it. But I be feeling unheard in the moment and I just want it over with. To be left alone again.

But he holds onto me anyway. He sees me for more than just my blowups. He hates it and has asserted he won't take it forever, but he understands Im not used to love upclose. I'm the ex princess pill enjoyer. I went an entire year with an addiction only my sisters noticed. I've lost my two closest friends along with the whole robotics friend group I thought I'd have in an instant. I usually am one disagreement from losing someone, so I hold it in. But now, I have someone to learn to let it out for. Someone to learn to not blowup for. It's just hard.

I'm really trying though. I tried jumping out the car cause I was so mad and he just stopped the car and held me. Even though he was just as mad at me. We were arguing just a second before. Ever since then, that rage scares me. I'm not in control the way i thought I was. I would never jump out a moving fucking vehicle in my life. You can break your arm, scrape the skin right off you, knock yourself out. Anything. But I just felt this trance of I couldn't keep being in this car arguing and I started saying I couldn't do it and just opened the door. I don't know what I was thinking. I really wasn't thinking. But knowing that's a possibility, I just know I have to fix myself.

I've been doing better. I nowadays will just throw my phone and get mad and he'll just leave it instead of continuing like normal. Then once I calm down, we talk about why I got so mad, he explains why he was mad at me in the first place, and we're good. I hope someday I can skip on the rage part entirely but I've been doing better now that I have a moment to collect myself. Plus, I know no matter what argument, til the day he betrays my trust, I will always want him in my life and these petty arguments change nothing. He's shown me time and time again he loves me through everything so I will make sure I love him unconditionally too.

And that's where everything is now. I'm at work typing this now. I'm resisting the urge to impulsively quit. My boss just called me yesterday frustrated I don't pick up morning shifts last second trying to make it like I just don't want to work. I just don't think that's a humane ask. On your day off, would you want to be called awake at 6am to get up and IMMEDIATELY go to work? No. She'd give me a one day notice on morning shifts too and I'd say no, because I didn't want to cut the day short to go to bed for work. And that's a problem here.

I have a second job that's been great but the distance and pay wasn't the best. But they appreciate me, they've tried to fight for better pay, and the were sad I tried this job. Annnd crazily, I came back, did orders for a few days, and they offered me a part time receptionist while doing orders too. Giving me damn near full time hours. Like FINALLYYYY I'm not waiting on random shifts to make my money. I can just come in and do the same work everyday.

It's not confirmed til Monday but, soon as it's confirmed. I'm outttt

Life doesn't get better, it just changes. If anything it gets worse. Seriously. I've wanted to die all the time lately. It's just a new hurt. You can't ever escape it. In a way, it's harder and easier. On the one hand, you have a different type of worth now. Once you move out, youre not just parents burden, you become your own burden. So that constant guilt I used to feel is gone. I don't ask for help no matter what. I even hate gifts from them now. I feel like they use that as their way to have something to say about what I'm doing. But you burdening yourself also stings cause you have to drag yourself to shit you don't want ALLLLLLL THE TIMEEE. Don't want to go to work? Call in sick? Don't have any sick hours? Call in with an emergency. Gotta do what uou gotta do. I'm not proud of it. But even then... you have to be socially aware of everyone's opinion of your actions. Or, you choosing yourself too many times will make you lose a job, get played at your job, or fuck you over come time to pay everything. It's such a big sacrifice to choose yourself now.

That's just true in general when you get out the house. That's what makes it so difficult.. I barely was choosing myself before. But now? There's no one else but you. If you don't go out to make yourself some money, you'll make yourself miserable worrying about food, bills, and keeping a roof over your head. But some days you argue right before work. Some days you want to end it and you don't want to to think about nothing else. But I have to think, if I fail this time, what's gonna happen? If you try it, and you fail, what are you going to do? Are you gonna be able to afford copays on your hospital stay? Are you gonna be able to get back to work if need be? Are you gonna be able to be in others faces right after that happened to you? Is there even going to be a job waiting on you by the time you recover?

I'm more scared of the day I'll attempt now. If I attempt now, I'll fuck over my partner. I wonder how he'd take it. I'd probably break him. Even though I regularly tell him I want to die to this day, he'll never feel the full weight til he sees how serious it gets for me. I don't want to take away his character showing him that. I'll break up and do it before I sneak off and do something like that now. I know that would hurt him still. But even before him, it's just harder on me making that decision.

I'm still open to it though. Thus far, this life shit still sucks. The work life balance is just gone in America. Unless you're making top dollar, buying a house, regularly vacationing, and having money to properly invest in your hobbies, you're just sitting around on you butt/doing chores/getting business handled. You've always had to work for your money but nowadays uou need to hoard this nonexistent extra money just to do anything. It's so dull. I already didn't want to do this and now I'm bored to death half the time. Great!!!1!11!!! (I've developed a tiktok addiction now. It's an instict for me to get on as soon as I'm not doing anything. I can't stand to be bored for one second 😶‍🌫️)

Anywaysss. That's it. I'm alive, I'm the same, but with a boyfriend now. I have the same brain from way back when I was daily posting on here. There's just more stuff chaining me down to this world. If you read all this thank you. I hope you feel seen. I know it's not easy out here

...and to the people that didn't read. Yea. I get it 😅

[carrickbender]

7

1. I'm sitting here drinking coffee, but I should be doing chores. It's a nice day, bug wants to do stuff later, there's email to catch up on... so yeah, do weeks really end?

2. Friday night was fantastic: got off work, listened to my mothers epic complaining while I took the flat tire off of her old suv, lost my phone, took it to town to be fixed only to find my phone on the bumper(IT WENT 10 MILES ON THE BUMPER AT 65+ MPH TO TOWN!!!!! PRAISE ALL THE GODS IT STAYED!!!!), got the tire fixed and back on the car in a very bad spot, went home, buggy got sick and I had to clean up his #2 mess<poor guy>, and I slept on the couch because sleeping is awful in a bed anymore. Great start, huh?

3. My current shame storm is making a hurricane look like a passing shower. No matter what I do, what I accomplish, how hard I try, it's just not enough. It's a stupid thing, and no matter how much I try to do the affirmations, they aren't working. #backtosquareone

4. I have a drs appointment tomorrow, and I'm dreading it. I've gained 5 lbs(or so my messed up scale says), but my pants fit better, so I dunno. Plus, there's the pain in other places thanks to fluid build up. Just another fun thing that's happened since I had bypass surgery. #insulttoinjury

5. I think after a certain age you should be able to trade certain things that still work on your body for things that would be more useful. For example, I'd gladly trade my still working sex drive for the ability to thrive on 3-4 hours a night of sleep. That way I could trade one useless thing for a useful thing. Pardon me for being slightly bitter. Im just over it. To be honest I wish I was working the 60-70 hour a week schedule and going to school like I was before. At least then I wouldn't think about it as much. #thanksihateit

6. My former employer is having a big meeting w/investors and politicians on the 25th, and theres rumours it might start back up. So im sending the HR manager my updated resume, and starting the conversation about a shift supervisor position. To be honest, I'd kill for it, and it would keep me on career trajectory. Fingers crossed.... I love my new job but I can't afford to work there.

7. I'm sorry to be such a negative person but I'm kinda reaching a hard spot in my journey. I have no real time to stop and process because if I did I think it would derail part of the rebuilding process for my life I started a few years ago. Part of that rebuilding process was prioritizing financial security, so even considering all the other stuff has to take a backseat... but how to do it when you're a novice at self care and are trying to reprogram your already f'ed up brain is another thing entirely. Bono wrote it best in the song Cedars of Lebanon: "The worst of us are a long drawn out confession; The best of us are geniuses of compression.You say you're not going to leave the truth alone.I'm here 'cause I don't want to go home".

Thanks for letting me vent. This week will be better... I think. Much love!

[socknerd]

I gotta say, as someone who does shift work, and with shifts that are offset from a "normal" working day by 4 hours, any time I see people complaining about 9-5 i'm like "world's smallest violin". Imagine getting to regularly sleep in past 4am. Actually being in daylight most of the time to and from work. Being able to participate in community shit throughout the week because it's scheduled around your work period.

I am so goddamn tired and lonely. I think, if we get an ok pay rise (we're in the middle of negotiations right now) I might just go ask if I can just do permanent day shift. At least then I wouldn't have to fuck my sleep over every few weeks, and I'd be able to regularly do shit out of work (so long as I can get the sleep in around it, bc waking up by 4am). It'd be so much better for my physical and mental health; it just means that I don't get shift loadings (and I've already given up 1 week of night shift every 3 weeks bc that got... very concerningly bad) and it'd need to fit the team roster (the vast majority of people are full-time rotating shifts or casuals).

*sigh*

How the fuck does anyone deal with this? Like I get I have things that affect my ability to deal with this shit, but still. The world is fucked.

Also. Work better train me up in other shit real soon. They're letting people even more junior than me do a bunch of shit. But I've been a) stuck doing something only a few others in the lab are trained to do most of the time and b) haven't been hounding for training all the time/when it's busy. Like, I've brought it up now and then, but it HAS been busy, etc. I KNOW i'm capable, i'm SICK of the same few things, i want to do more shit that's in line with what i trained to do, and also, I want to go up a pay grade or 2, and be in a position to do an advanced diploma. (Which reminds me, i should remind the boss about that)

On the topic of work, it'll be interesting to see how the negotiations go. Work's been hemorrhaging workers the past few years, particularly due to their pay becoming less and less competitive, and the work and hours being so goddamn draining, but they do love to keep pulling the "we don't have money for x" card. Still, if they have any sense, a reasonable increase and RDOs back would be my minimum to not be looking at other work. Like, similar jobs are getting $35/hr in some other places now, which is roughly $5 more than here now. I may email the union rep and see where things are at.

Anyway, that's my venting done for now i suppose. Got shit to do.

[presidentkamala]

Ok 2022 wrap up. First the good:

* killed it at work and on schedule for a huge jump in salary in january 2023

* finally let go of the worst years of my life by *gasp* leaning in2 and committing to my present self???

*moved to a banging new apartment WITH kitchen island

*volunteered for midterm campaigns

*went to chicago, cincinnati, honolulu and st. louis

*READ like 80% more this year than last year (the bar was the like 2 books i picked at and didnt finish last year but still improvement)

*more consistent with skincare routine

*hit 50k in my one savings acct in accordance w financial goals

THE BAD:

*didnt learn a new language, instrument, to code, pottery, or anything. Was grinding at work and not much else

*health took a backseat: too much doordash no fitness plan or even much activity

*didnt make any new friends

*stagnated in other areas. No volunteering for causes i care abt or even at community garden. mUST CHANGE THIS IN 2023

*struggled to stay consistent with much of anything. Scatterbrained for most of the year

THE UGLY:

*lost all muscle tone due to nothing other than lack of care

*no motivation. No real direction. No real sense or vision of the future i want and am working towards. No effort in the places where it counted

*phone and screen addiction. BIG TIME. losing hrs to this that i should be using to get out there and meet ppl and actually improve my quality of life LOL.

*deep-seated suspicion that im not well-liked at work bore out late this year. Not super pleased since that's been my main focus. Probably connected to this other stuff.

*loss of basic intellectual curiosity. In complete survival mode for the first 8 months of the year. Self is almost unrecognizable in many ways.

THE RESOLUTIONS:

I've spent the month of december devoting myself to prepping for the big three resolutions that i feel will have the biggest impact on my immediate health and wellbeing. I did a recipe plan for every day of december and gave myself a zero doordash/restaurant rule but no other real restrictions on what recipes i make and that's gone super well in terms of re-integrating cooking regularly back into my life and even enjoying it! I think in february im going to start paying more attention to making sure im incorporating the plate method to ensure im getting the right proportion of protein veg and carbs into my diet but for now its all about finding recipes that taste good and that i can sustainably replicate etc. I've been doing a lot to make sure im brushing my teeth and doing my skincare routine at least every morning so im going to start bumping up my evening care in January as well. I also downloaded the none2run app to get me up to a 5k which at least lays out the calendar of what i need to do and im on week 2?? I think of the beginner exercises before starting the runs in earnest. I've deep cleaned my apartment and kitchen and have been regularly washing my clothes and doing the dishes instead of letting it all pile up. All of these changes in routine have been gradual over the last 5 weeks or so but its already paying dividends and i love the idea of prepping for resolutions and planning them out so i don't lose track as the year progresses:

*Journal at least once a week (minimum 52 entries by this time next year)

*Develop nourishing recipes you actually enjoy and can replicate. Limit restaurants to once a week (non-holiday) or 3 times a week (with holidays)

*complete none2run 5k.

*sign back up for barre classes at least once a week (non-travel)

*on work travel, complete youtube pilates vid at least twice a week

*this is the year to tackle skin texture and pores. Set up derm appt in January

*complete liftoff program for beginner weightlifting beginning in June.

*volunteer for minimum 2 hrs each week. For anything.

*volunteer for dems at least once this year.

*SEE A FUCKING PSYCHIATRIST

*take one extra-curricular class

*check in quarterly on goals

*take one international trip

2023: We are being specific and intentional!!!!!

[steamishot]

pre-thanksgiving

i'm so excited to have 4 days off! now that the weather is getting gloomier and colder, i'm excited to just chill at home and do nothing for the first time in a long time. finally, i'm not spending holidays alone because matt is working this week. this year for thanksgiving, my aunt/cousin will be making a turkey and we'll be celebrating at their house. matt and i even invited his parents to come over for a bit on thanksgiving day after he gets off his shift.

on my 5th time commuting to the office, i saw S again. i basically have seen everyone on my HR team minus I, who i haven't seen since 2020. i'm glad that seeing people has been staggered, otherwise i'd feel so overwhelmed reconnecting all at once. we had a department potluck and i realize how socially awkward i am. i recognized certain people but i didn't know what i'd talk to them about. however, since i was in office pre-covid, so much of the staff has changed.

unfortunately on this day, someone rear ended me in hollywood! i've only been driving less than two months and already had two accidents (one caused by me, lol). this one in particular is a headache because it's my first time dealing with a collision for an EV car. normal body shops don't want to be liable because of the electric parts. the girl who hit me has been responsive but also a little bit weird in gatekeeping information (she did not give me her policy number, opened the claim herself through AAA and did not give me any information). i had to call AAA myself to find out the information. it's been a week and we haven't moved along with the claim at all. in accidents, i usually make money but this time it seems like it's a loss. welp, i'm learning so much about tesla ownership lol.

giving grace: i'm learning to give myself more grace. moving back home comes with a lot of complex emotions. on one hand, i feel like i give myself extra pressure to adapt more easily because i've "done this my whole life" aka live in LA and our biggest supporters are here. however, i need to give myself grace that so much has changed and i'm really a newcomer. i'm in a different phase of life now, renting an apartment for the first time in a "new" neighborhood, financially stable, partnered, and haven't consistently driven for 4 years.

on top of that, i need to allow myself the space to grieve the past chapter. it was actually pretty confusing/traumatizing on 9/11 when movers came and packed 4 years of our lives into boxes in like 4 hours. besides our friends, we have no remnants left on the east coast. and we're already moving on with meeting up with other friends, double dates, etc. it just feels like a lot to take in.

friends: from my last blog post, L is fine thank god. he didn't respond to me for 2 weeks due to depression. my family hosted a party last friday and invited my cousins S&J and their kids over. i chose the names S&J for my cousins as a kid when they immigrated from cambodia. they were named after my best friends at the time S&J. S has been a consistent friend through the years, but J cut us (and all our mutual friends) off about 6 years ago. very coincidentally, J IG friended me a few days ago. i was like, what are the chances. i had dinner with my cousins S&J (don't remember when the last time we ever had dinner together was) and then friend J popped back up in my life.

[itsgirlcraft]

Vent

TW body horror vent art (dismemberment, blood, twisted limbs), swearing, lots of caps

Tl;dr: online college reading makes my back ache and my anxiety is off the charts. I keep hyperfixating and tensing my body too much when not doing school, so I'm wasting my energy and getting bad sleep. I want to quit psychology but I fear that's the cowards way out. I'm running out of meds so I only have today and Saturday to get ~5 hrs of reading done.

I'm so fucking tired and half of its my fucking fault. This whole godamn week, actually since I started college, I've had shit ass sleep and no rest and I fucking HATE IT but I KEEP DOING IT AND

FUCK!!!

I'm sorry I know that like all of you mutuals have it hard too I don't wanna put my stupid self-sabotaging bullshit on your shoulders but hhhhhhhh. I'm seething and I can't fucking get any of this BS done and AAA I just want to REST but NOOO, I have to go play minecraft for 5 fucking hours and draw stupid shit for 3 hours and fucking waste my existence away! I haven't gotten a fucking shower in a godamn WEEK! But noooo, I can't just GET UP and do that! I have to fuck around doing bullshit that just hurts my fucking body because of my stupid negative urgency ass!!

((I react really stupidly impulsive to stress and do shit I shouldn't)) it's not even like I'm hurting myself on purpose, I'm just such a bitch I keep the cycle going and going and going and FUCK!! I swear I'm fucking trying I swear to god I hate this too but it NEVER FUCKUNG WORKS I just go a tiny bit feeling okay and them BAM the moment I am stressed or worried I go fuck off to neverland and horrifically fuck myself over!!!

((I've been hyperfixating in a...really bad way lately, more than usual. I'm not talking abt the quirky or cool shit, I'm talking my muscles tense up so bad they hurt and my wrists go numb and my fucking legs twist round each other so bad that I can barely fucking walk.)) Hhhhhhh. It's like cutting off my other leg after college has already broken the other one.

College has completely fucked me over and sent me on a stupid spiral for the millionth time but this time idk if I'll even get out of this in one piece bc this stupid hyperfixating has drained energy that isn't even THERE. I fucking spent just under 2 hours fuckibg reading 16,232 WORDS for psychology on Monday and my fucking shoulders BURNED from sitting tense at my computer and AAAA. Then I spiraled MORE Tuesday bc I didn't wanna do that AGAIN. Bc my stupid ass psych textbook is online only, and DOESNT HAVE A PAGE COUNT OR WORD COUNT! So Monday I didn't even KNOW what I was getting myself into and fucked up!! And then Tuesday I got a word counter that worked for the site and was able to FINALLY finish chapter 1 for psych only to spiral AGAIN! Because THEN I realized it'd take around 3 hours for each chapter and I have to read chapter 2 TOO for this week!

But I thought I had to do it ALL YESTERDAH bc the godamn discussion board bullshit is supposedly due on Thursdays! ((The syllabus is inaccurate, and I only got that Thursday bit from a different document. It's unclear if part 1 is on Thurs or not. The first half is making a FUCKING ESSAY with 3 paragraphs, thesis, citation, etc. And part 2 is responding to 2 people with 8 sentences and a citation but GUESS WHAT! Each response is 1 point! And the main essay/post is 8 points! Combined they're just TEN DAMN POINTS! THERES ONLY 8 WHY DO I NEED TO DO A FUCJING ESSAY?!???!))

I DID manage to do the stupid discussion on Thurs, bc I said fuck it and didn't read ch 2. But NOW I have 3 hrs of reading to do STILL. PLUS I seem to have THE SAME FUCKING AMIUNT FOR ENGKISH!!! I thought English was chill but NOOOO, it has these stupid pdf photocopies of a book and I have to take screenshots to annotate bc otherwise it's just a useless text that I can't do anything with! And it'll probably take like 2 hours to read JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER! THERES THREEE FUCKUNG CHSPTERS LIKE THIS! WHYY!! And I thought reading was GOOD AND EASY BUT NO! My fucking body is so squishy and fragile that it breaks instantly and I can't fucking read for more than an hour and FUCKKK I WISH I HAD A PAPER COPY OF THIS SHIT! BUT ITD COST MOREEEE!!

It's not even like this shits HARD TO UNDERSTAND. I KNOW THIS! LITERALKY I fucking recognize EVERYTHUNG in psych so far like is this NECESSARY?? I KNOW that reading is IMPORTANT and I should do it but FUCK!! IS IT WORTH DESTROYING MYSELF?????

And I wanna quit psych but that feels like the cowards way out bc I KNEW there'd be lots of work. I fucking knew what would come about but here I am!! In the fuckibg spiral! And I haven't said any of this to my mom bc she's tired enough and I just want to get this shit done. I feel like I'm eating my own body and health, sacrificing it, to try to do this shit that I know I probably need to give up on. But I don't wanna just STOP, I DO like psych and I wanna learn!! I WANT to be here!! But I can't fucking get this bullshit reading done and it's driving me insane!!!

AND!!! AND NOT TO MENTION MY FUCKIN MEDS!! My adhd meds are regulated heavily so I only get a month's worth but my pharmacy/doc are so unreliable when filling it that I have to assume I may not have any for a few fucking days. AND THATS A DEATH WISH IN COLLEGE!! One fuckjng day missed is MASSIVE. Even tho I'm all online and shit I CANT RISK IT, but I only have ONE!! ONE! And it's already fuckjnv 4 pm rn and I've still got 10 page for English ch 1 and then the 3 hrs psych reading and the idk 2 hrs English ch 2 reading and FUCK HOW DO I DO THIS??? And I really wanna have a chill time on Halloween so I wanna get next week done ASAP but this week's a bitch in itself and AAAAAAA!!

[ttvnadeeta]

fiance is tired and i told him to take a nap and not push himself as 1. he was gaming already while waiting til i got home from work and 2. we do have a time diff,so it is late by him and stuff. so plan is he will take a 5-6 hr nap. as long as he wakes up on time,and/or feels up to gaming we will game later tonight,if not plan is to do a 3 day weekend. so Friday-Sunday. i won't solo stream,if we don't game tonight,as i did do 1 last night.

also i was on amazon after work as i wanted to know if i could afford capture card for my xbox,as u guys know my xbox doesn't work well with streaming. which i've said it before and i'll say it again it has to be an xbox,and/or a Microsoft thing. cuz I've never had this happen with ps5 with sony. and discord works on ps5 as well when i used to stream off the console before i got the capture card. that's why i say it has to be xbox,and/or Microsoft as it works with sony/ps5. but yeah so i got some non-streaming related stuff,but i mainly focused on streaming stuff. i got a 2 pack capture card(plan is 1 is going to be for the Xbox one and the other one will be for the xbox x.) , i got an HDMI plug with the red,white,and yellow hook ups for the wii and stuff(but i don't think my tv has that input,so i feel like it might be useless atm. at least if that's the case,it was only $13,and i can keep it for future reference. if my tv DOES have those inputs ,then i can stream wii,and/or ps2. if my tv does NOT have those inputs,i will have to find another device to use to stream off it with. unless i can use the hdmi convertor i'm already using with it. will have to mess around with things when i have free time/on a non-streaming day.) i also ordered a GeekShare Cute Wrist Rest Support Mouse Pad. plan is to put it over the lap rest i currently have(it might be a bit to big,but here's hoping it fits. if it doesn't fit then i'll just keep it for when i get a desk in the future). and lastly i ordered another headset. it says its for pc and xbox,so now i just gotta decide where i wanna use it. its a PDP one. i might use it downstairs for when i game on the xbox and stuff. cuz technically when i get the capture card,i will game on my pc,so i mean. i mean yes i would still have the headset in the xbox controller i could use,but wouldn't hurt to have a backup downstairs with me and all that. according to amazon, the capture cards and the convertor are supposed to come this upcoming monday. and the headset is supposed to come in 2 weeks,so i will use the current headset i have downstairs until the new one comes. and then lately the wrist mouse-pad thing,isn't supposed to come until near the end of the month. so at the very least i SHOULD be able to stream Xbox this upcoming week. which means until then it will be ps/pc. idk if we'll do a debate stream,or just a chatting stream,or if i backseat my fiance to do switch and then we do pc,or what the plan will be as i mean 1. there's only so many games i can do on ps/pc and 2. i'm sure u guys wil be tired of the same content over and over.

and lastly I'm srry i still have yet to post my clips/highlights on my tiktok page. i knew i was supposed to post them a month ago,but i been so busy with work,with being sick,with eating,sleeping,streaming,doing arts and crafts,etc that i just been forgetting to do it and by the time i remember its to late and there's no point. like i said in my most recent tiktok video,i SHOULD have content in the next 1-3 months. i have drafts,i just have to post them. I'm hopping within the next week or 2 to post them,but we shall see. no promises that it will happen, but that's supposed to be the plan.

well until later/tomorrow(depending what all happens),see u all then ^^. hope u all have a good rest of ur evening <3