bipolarmango

[bipolarmango]

Me: My neck and shoulders hurt so much

Doctor: Yes reading on your phone in a bad position causes chronic tension like that. You must hold your phone at the eye level.

Me whose phone behaviour is 90% questionable Tumblr stuff and smut fanfics: You know what, I'm actually good

[bipolarmango]

Oh yes, the science is apparently looking people in the eye (not intensively staring) for 3-5 seconds and then looking slightly away and back again.

I was 34 years old when I learnt that looking people in the eye means looking in the general direction of their eyes and not staring at their pupils almost without blinking and now I wonder if I have ever had a conversation without making people uncomfortable either by not looking at them at all while playing with something in my hands or by staring at them in the eye like my life depended on it

[bipolarmango]

[bipolarmango]

I was 34 years old when I learnt that looking people in the eye means looking in the general direction of their eyes and not staring at their pupils almost without blinking and now I wonder if I have ever had a conversation without making people uncomfortable either by not looking at them at all while playing with something in my hands or by staring at them in the eye like my life depended on it

[bipolarmango]

You know what really pisses me off? The rewriting of history. People want to pretend like the only reason Liam Payne was getting hate was because of the allegation. But I call bullshit. 99% of the people hating him online had no idea about the allegations or didn't care. They were bullying him online because they thought he was "cringe."

The latest wave of bullying online, which I saw weeks before his death, had nothing to do with the allegations. It had to do with him dancing at Niall's concert. The hate started with the Logan Paul interview, where Liam didn't say anything that warranted being dogpiled by the internet. And it never stopped.

Now, people want to rewrite history and pretend Liam wasn't bullied and humiliated for just being himself because it was "cringe." But you can't because that's the truth. Imagine bullying someone online because you thought he danced weirdly or was cringe. Then they get all defensive afterwards, sprouting bullshit about how they're "allowed to have an opinion." Yeah, and your opinion has real-life consequences.

Some of you want to pretend like Liam Payne hadn't been the internet's punching bag for years. Enough.

[bipolarmango]

Normal people: oh no my medical condition causing severe, sudden pain is acting up again while I'm visiting friends, I better take my medication and ask if I could lay down in another room

The dumbass that's me: oh no my medical condition causing severe, sudden pain is acting up again while I'm visiting friends, I better take my meds but instead of bothering people I should excuse myself, drive my car around the corner and suffer there in silence for the duration of the episode and never tell anyone I have this thing

[bipolarmango]

I hate that the anniversary my (second) suicide attempt is Christmas Eve because every year since then people have thought I must be carefully monitored and babysat on the day, as if I tried to commit suicide because of the date itself. I'm an atheist but I don't hate Jesus to that degree. It does not make sense to anyone else that it was just a convenient day because it marked the start of my one-week holiday so I didn't have to worry about leaving my colleagues to deal with my workload the next day. Pure practicality.

The first time was a some odd Tuesday in June and no one is ever worried around that date. I don't even remember the date and I'm sure no one else does either.

[bipolarmango]

[bipolarmango]

Me: oh a pig head, look, there's brain, can I touch it

Also me: I cannot touch raw potatoes they're disgusting and the smell will never leave my skin

[bipolarmango]

I got a vivid mental image of the devil riding a unicycle while playing the bagpipes and that's probably what's happening in my brain

How to explain AuDHD things to NTs, by my therapist

"Imagine you're playing chess all day, every day, on a timer, where any wrong move could result in confusion or awkwardness. You are constantly anticipating, strategizing, and analyzing every move."

"Imagine you’re an actor performing a role for 8-12 hours a day, acting as ‘normal.’ You’re following rules you’ve studied your whole life, but one small slip, like showing your interests or being yourself, might make people question you or treat you differently. It’s exhausting because the role never ends and it feels like I’m always one wrong word away from the audience turning on me.”

“Imagine that your phone battery dies by lunchtime every day and the only way to recharge it is by sitting in complete silence for 12 hours. Even then, it only gets to 50%.”

"Imagine trying to use an old laptop with too many tabs open. It lags, freezes and crashes. That’s my brain on a regular workday. No matter how much I try to "push through", the system just shuts down.”

"It’s like sprinting with a permanently broken ankle: it’s possible but it hurts, and it’s not sustainable forever.”

[bipolarmango]

How to explain AuDHD things to NTs, by my therapist

"Imagine you're playing chess all day, every day, on a timer, where any wrong move could result in confusion or awkwardness. You are constantly anticipating, strategizing, and analyzing every move."

"Imagine you’re an actor performing a role for 8-12 hours a day, acting as ‘normal.’ You’re following rules you’ve studied your whole life, but one small slip, like showing your interests or being yourself, might make people question you or treat you differently. It’s exhausting because the role never ends and it feels like I’m always one wrong word away from the audience turning on me.”

“Imagine that your phone battery dies by lunchtime every day and the only way to recharge it is by sitting in complete silence for 12 hours. Even then, it only gets to 50%.”

"Imagine trying to use an old laptop with too many tabs open. It lags, freezes and crashes. That’s my brain on a regular workday. No matter how much I try to "push through", the system just shuts down.”

"It’s like sprinting with a permanently broken ankle: it’s possible but it hurts, and it’s not sustainable forever.”

[bipolarmango]

You'd be surprised. People prefer labelling someone socially awkward or odd or even mentally ill rather than neurodivergent.

My doctor and therapist: now with this autism + ADHD diagnosis you need to learn to unmask because masking all the time will make you burn out again and feel like shit

Other people: well it's just interesting how after getting the diagnosis you suddenly start behaving like that I mean I'm not saying you're faking it's just funny how you suddenly cannot be normal like you were before

[bipolarmango]

For example by

Looking people in the eye when if it's physically uncomfortable and painful

Hugging and touching people and being hugged and touched despite being wildly uncomfortable

Not speaking at social gatherings for the fear of saying something that makes people again think you're odd

Spending years by doing research on manners and the "right way of socialising" so you can follow that guideline to navigate the chess-like social situations (currently I struggle a lot because society seem to have moved on from the polite socialising I've taught myself and I'm having a really hard time understanding what is acceptable and what is not)

Have a trained, pleasant social smile on at all times and never slip from it

Scripting conversations in advance or using pre-leartn pleasantries that feel hollow and meaningless to you but like something other people seem to do and like

Mirroring other people you're with to fit in

Not talking about your special interests and instead only focusing on other people for the fear of looking odd

Suppressing stims, like hand movements and other body motions

Using uncomfortable fabrics, eating uncomfortable foods, listening to uncomfortable sounds, being in otherwise uncomfortable environments to fit in

Just a couple of things from the top of my mind. Everyone is different and everyone might mask differently in different situations.

My doctor and therapist: now with this autism + ADHD diagnosis you need to learn to unmask because masking all the time will make you burn out again and feel like shit

Other people: well it's just interesting how after getting the diagnosis you suddenly start behaving like that I mean I'm not saying you're faking it's just funny how you suddenly cannot be normal like you were before

[bipolarmango]

I don’t know how to explain this well…but I’m 30 years old and I feel like I’ve had to ‘sacrifice’ my entire adult life to unprecedented times, the pandemic and daily anxiety over hateful politicians and whatever rights they want to take away on any given day and I’m just so fucking tired

[bipolarmango]

[bipolarmango]

Completely agree and adding how the advise from people tend to be "you should learn small talk". I can small talk. I hate it, there's no point other than pleasing others with it, but I can do it. I gave a perfect, polite fake smile on and perfect polite empty conversations I do throughout the day at work, all day, every day, and it's exhausting and takes a ton of mental effort and I'm all the time in the edge of becoming the real me.

And despite all this, most people stoll find you odd. They cannot quite put their finger down on what is actually wrong with you but something is off and that changes the way they interact with you vs. others.

Can someone please explain how the hell you are supposed to make friends with neurotypical people??

You spend decades learning all the social rules so you know that in conversations you take turns and show interest in each others interests, so I sit and make eye contact and nod during their thirty minute dissection of our coworkers nose job, which is literally the most boring topic of conversation on earth, but then the second I bring up the fact that I'm reading a book on mammals and that how whales evolved is really cool, they instantly say "yeah, to be honest, that sounds really boring." Like I'm sorry, I pretended to care when you were talking about how your laundry went yesterday but you can't listen to me talk about one of my interests for two seconds?

And then they have the audacity to always ask "oh you're so quiet, why do you never talk?"

Like am I just supposed to fake my entire personality for the rest of my life? Is that how you make friends? And then they STILL think you're weird even though you're already bending over backwards to be normal??

And then all the advice you get is "you just gotta get out there and eventually you'll meet someone you click with!" I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to wade through the 99% of people who just want to talk at me about themselves but roll their eyes the second I show a sliver of my actual personality.

[bipolarmango]

Seriously the best practical tip for processing my AuDHD task paralysis and also perfectionims has been the ten minute in timer rule. I have to clean but the task feels too big? Ten minutes in the timer every day and let's see how much I can get done, I'm gonna race myself. Should go for a jog but not feeling good to go for an hour long jog? Ten minutes in the timer and when it's done, I can go home. Not feeling like playing guitar because my mood is not perfect for it? Ten minutes in the timer and I can stop right after. Putting off an unpleasant work task? Ten minutes in the timer and that's all I must do right now about it.

This method has made it easier for me to get to things like jogging and playing guitar that I like but somehow feel like I must do them perfect if I do, and also tasks I hate, like cleaning and doing mundane work. The nice stuff usually turns into a full one hour jog or an hourmlong guitar session, but the threshold for stating is so much lower.