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knightyoomyoui · 5 months ago

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Jihyo x M/F Reader - "Just A Feeling"

This book makes a return today! For this oneshot, I'm sorry if this one may be complicated to read since I didn't make any outline for it and kind of... weird to read too, especially for female readers out there. This one is actually intended to be only for male readers because I think the plot of this suits them better since the story came from my perspective as a guy and from a real-life experience I'm currently going through. Don't worry though, I still tried my best to make this applicable to everybody since I made some changes to make it gender neutral, plus there's opinions from some various featured female K-Pop idols as my characters that portray my real-life classmates here, which female readers might relate to. So yeah, basically what you're about to read here is based on a true story (except starting from the climax until the end, which I just made up from my imagination since I haven't confessed yet lol.) about my huge crush with this one genuine girl from our class. And oh, I've said it already that it's not gonna be a fluff right? It's not gonna be a tearjerker though but for the softies there, this might hurt. Don't worry though, I'm going to write a one-shot special on weekend that relies more on fluff. Finally saw something that inspired me to write, that's why. Heh.

I was eating in our cafeteria along with my circle of friends in our room, talking about—well, guess what—sex education. We were trying our best to remain open-minded about the topic. Honestly, I don’t even have any idea why we would insert this topic to arrange a conversation in the middle of the public.

I know that these things should be taken seriously because they provide knowledge on how to establish a healthy sexual life in the future, but I just couldn’t help but feel a bit ashamed. Well, I wouldn’t be if only these girls would just lower their mouths whenever they'd ask or mention a term, especially when it’s too silly to hear.

I was afraid that others might hear us and lose appetite because of what we were discussing. I already made my move, providing a question pertaining to my curiosity and thankfully they answered me with the expected answer I wanted to know. That’s why I moved my head and roamed my eyes around to distract myself away from them since I don’t really find their current discussion interesting to me.

Looking around, there are many students along with us doing their own business mindfully. Eating together or alone in their respective spots and typing on the computer or writing notes as they review for their subject while on a break. Each was from different courses and grade levels, and of course we wouldn’t be the exception.

Some of our classmates too were on the another table, with them being formed together into their own circle they belong in. That is, until my eyes landed on her again as I check upon them. The girl with sharp jawline, boyish wild haircut, adorable with a touch of chic aura in her visual, and those big eyes I couldn’t avoid but to get sucked in whenever I get to be in contact with those shimmering pairs of hers.

The name of the girl I’m describing with much creativity and detail is Park Jihyo. She’s currently one of our brightest students in our class. If I’ll compare myself to her, well my intelligence is pretty below average and subpar to her attributes.

Whenever I glanced at her, I couldn’t help but pause and take a short time to admire what my sight was displaying for me. Just like today, she has that serious expression that I find both intimidating and… hot? Yeah, yeah, fine, you got me. I do think of her sometimes as a dominant or possessive girlfriend who loves to claim and tease, and I do get a bit intense and aroused just by thinking about it, especially when it fits her a lot along with her lean figure.

Damn it, you wouldn’t blame me. She literally is the embodiment of a girl crush that others would kneel on their knees for her. I may have not saw somebody like that, but oh I can’t just deny those words I’ve heard from the girls and guys on my room simping for her.

Setting aside to those qualities, I’ll make it plain and simple that she’s that beautiful in my eyes. I don’t care if I’m falling in love to a boisterous and fiery tomboy like Jihyo. Deep inside of that cool and boyish appearance of hers, I couldn’t count how many times I’ve encountered that soft girly demeanor she was hiding. That time when she squealed and raised both her fists in the air while looking appalled as the volleyball almost hit her face during our class in physical education would be my favorite.

She smiled again and laughed at whatever they were talking about, which is effectively contagious. She has that much effect on me already. Whenever her mood is, will be the same as mine. Guess I could say that’s how I could tell that I’m highly attached on her now.

I was so busy complimenting and being in awe of her that I almost responded too late when I saw Jihyo start to move her eyes around, and she went in the direction I was in. Just a little angle she shifted, and she would’ve caught my eyes staring at her, looking like it was attempting to hallucinate and connect to mine too.

But I was too weak for that, as always. I’m always weak for her. I pretend I didn’t just went to their side and busy admiring her as I returned to my friend’s discussion while my peripheral vision has unknown whether she felt like someone was stalking at her or as usual, nothing.

2 days later, we were waiting for the Calculus class to end because our professor has left us for some numerous problems to solve on the board and use it as an advantage to increase our points in recitation. He definitely might’ve went again to the mall and go eat samgyupsal again with his officemates at the faculty room that’s why we know we already have the freedom to be noisy and indulge on those differential equation as much as we want.

Our professor is busy grilling meat and stuffing wagyu meat in his mouth while us as his students were busy grilling our minds and stuffing numbers across the board.

While I was confidently sitting on my chair just watching my classmates go berserk on dribbling equations of their own since I already had my turn to have a recitation point, my female classmate named Miyeon invited me for a chat with her because mainly she’s bored.

We did chatter for any laughable random topics for like 10 minutes until I heard her enter a question that had me locked in on my seat.

“Say, YN. I noticed that you had shared so many sad posts about romance these days on Facebook. Are you heartbroken?” She asked me.

“Uhh… that? W-well, I just like those kind of posts. Nothing much.” I smiled fakely at her.

“You sure?” She stared at me. I just nodded and awkwardly removed my gaze at her as I act like I was trying to keep myself busy on my notes.

“You have a crush on someone, don’t you?”

I slowly turned around and my stupid self chose to rose my brows making myself shocked rather than meeting itself and show some confusion. Now I’m busted.

“H-how can you say so?”

“Wouldn’t most of the people around social media does that whenever they admire somebody and they just left to be… unwanted back?” She shared. “I’ve been through that, that’s why I know.”

I remained silent as I sighed. I glanced at Jihyo again, she was being recorded now by one of our close friends in the room as she explains the solution she wrote on the board. That’s what our professor instructed us to do so that he can acknowledge our points, is to sent him our video that we’re tackling about the equation we answered.

“There is, huh.” She confirmed. I was being too obvious already so with defeat, I just let her expose me more. “She’s in our class isn’t it?”

My eyes widened. My body trembled as she already made another guess but a more accurate one this time. Miyeon seems to be an observative type of person, and more untrained and horrible attempts of pretending that I contradict her guesses would just make me look dumber in front of her.

I sighed and chuckled at myself from getting caught. “Yeah. She is.”

“Woah!” She exclaimed. “So YN here also has a crush of his/her own here huh!” She teased me as she referred to me being another addition to those established “couples” in our room. Most of them were now officially together and others, well I don’t know but mostly I’ve learned these days that they already confessed and sadly, they were rejected but still remains to be a tough lover for them.

“Who’s your crush then?” I shushed her with my gesture, as there’s our classmates still sitting in front of us and they might hear us. I don’t want tk get humiliated more just by being put into a hot seat getting confronted who’s the girl i’m into these days.

“D-do you want me to give you a clue?” I asked, I wanted to play a game with her first she already caught me easily, now I want to test her this time.

“Oh sure, what is it?”

“Okay, hmm….” I hummed but I didn’t think that much because i already knew what I would give to her. “She’s a person.”

“Luh.” She reacted and whined. “Cmon, be serious!”

I just laughed at her befuddled response and think again, with all seriousness this time. “Okay, fine. She’s a social butterfly.”

“Ooohhh social butterfly…” Miyeon started to think. “There’s so many classmates of ours that are giddy to get close with others. Is it Jiyeon?”

“Nope. 19 left.” I said, crossing out one from the list of number of girls in our room.

“Aaaahhhh!” She screamed but jokingly, already panicking at just one guess. “Whooo?”

“Try more!”

“Aish, is it Julie?”

“Nope.”

“Ehhh?” She scratched her nape. “Next clue!”

“Okay fine, I’ll give you just three okay?” She nodded and readjusted her posture on her seat, she seemed very invested on knowing who my crush is. “The second one is… she’s smart.”

“Smart…” she began thinking again. “But most of us here are very good at anything.”

I smirked, feeling satisfied that I gave a mysterious clue for her more. “Is it Mina?”

“Nah.” I shook my head, but I admit in my thoughts that i almost fell for Mina once like back when we were freshman.

“Danielle?!” Miyeon’s eyes brightened as she thought she finally achieved the right answer. I shook my head and gave her an apologetic look, which shuts off the spark in her eyes instantly.

Miyeon pouted and lets out an even struggling look at me. “I’m starting to run out of ideas!”

“Miyeon you’ve only told me like… 5 of our classmates so far.”

“Fire the last clue!”

“Okay. The last one is that… you probably won’t expect her to be my crush.”

Her eyebrows lifted and hummed fascinatingly at me. “That just made things interesting. Won’t expect to be your crush? So it means it’s not actually your type but you just seem to get a liking on that person?”

“Hmm maybe?”

“Wait…” she paused that lasted a little bit longer than just few seconds. Her head raised and I wondered why her eyes softened as she slowly looked at me and pushed her head closer.

“What? You got the answer now?”

“YN… is it me?” Miyeon asked. She was staring at me with pure seriousness and jaw hanging slightly in surprise. I gasped as I was shocked at her answer. I know that she’s one of the girls around who is also pretty but still I didn’t expect that it really came out of her mouth, that she also considered herself too.

“N-no! It’s not you and Miyeon, you already have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah.” She agreed, understandably took my reason well. “But… it’s just a crush though, so…”

“Still no. I don’t fall in love to women who are already taken. I respect relationships and I don’t want to create conflicts for other people. Although, I admit that you’re beautiful.” I smiled at her. She returned the same and pushed my shoulder. “Wow, just like that huh?”

“I don’t know, you sound like you were urging me to say something nice to you atleast.”

“I wasn’t! B-but that doesn’t mean I won’t take your compliment at me.” She giggled. “Anyways, I pass. Cmon tell me who it is!”

I exhaled. To be fair, I wasn’t really up for sharing this with anybody. It’s not that I don’t want anybody to know because I don’t trust them, but I’m doing this rather to avoid the possibility that she may learn more about what I really feel for her from other people. I just want to be a complete secret admirer of her.

However, since I was already cornered by Miyeon, it seems like my plans have to undergo some changes. I feel a bit of pity for this girl because she has shared some of her stories with me, and I listened and kept them all to myself, just like she wanted to. Thatimplies that she views me as someone she can trust.

That’s why I felt obligated that I had to treat her in the same manner. I mean, Miyeon is one of the girls in our class that I find really pure and mature and who knows how to blend well when having fun with other people.

“Fine. You know I never really intended to tell this to others because for some reasons, I don’t want anybody to tease me, accidentally become obvious, or make others bother with what I’m facing at right now… but I do trust you Miyeon, you know that. And please let’s keep it to ourselves okay?”

“Oh don’t worry about me.” Miyeon then bounced on her seat with a large grin. “I’m so excited to know!”

“W-well… the girl that I’m-”

“What are you two up to?” My other classmate interrupted our conversation, looking at us as she twirled her body on the chair to go back and forth at us. I was surprised that we’re like able to be caught despite our distances being one vacant row from each other. Our voices aren’t even that loud.

Miyeon and I exchanged glances and she was controlling her laughter as she saw me looking nervous. “W-we’re just playing a game! He’s trying to make me identify who is-”

“Aahhhh wait, I think I know what you two are talking about.” Her eyes then shrinked and it went towards me who is blushing. She smirked and find my current state hilarious. “I’ve been seeing something about this one eh. I think I know who may that be.”

Both Miyeon and I were eager to know, especially me who is heavily related to the one she was talking about. About our conversation with Miyeon, she finally learn who that is and she was amused to know that she agrees at the clues I gave to her. She really didn’t expected that I’ll be admiring somebody like Jihyo and commented that it wasn’t visible to me all these time. She couldn’t blame me though for having a crush with Jihyo, as she revealed that she’s bisexual and she once had a crush on her too before she met her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, about our other classmate who is holding a thought that shares my secret. I wanted to know about it. Thankfully, both of us were walking home together since Nako which is her name, lives almost close to our neighborhood.

We were riding on a bus and we talked about what she said earlier. I had no choice but to reveal to her since I already did it to Miyeon and it’s going to be unfair if I don’t do it for her too. She might feel offended that I rather not to disclose it to her.

She learned and she laughed so hard that she was actually right which had me speechless. She found it interesting too just like Miyeon that I got to be in love with someone like Jihyo. Me on the other hand, has a huge “How?” question displayed on my head.

She only replied that it’s her guts that is telling her and even her didn’t expected that she would got it correct. What she said though did had me find it difficult to maintain my smile. “But really, for me I don’t see Jihyo being attracted to a guy/girl. It’s more possible that she’s rather into girls because of her looks, but she did told me one time what does she think of her gender and she only told me that it’s complicated. Will it still going to be okay for you knowing that your rivals when it comes to her were all female/male?”

She shared to me her observation and I got it immediately what her basis for that. I suddenly had Jihyo on my mind along with her tomboy look that can make girls crazy and gay for her. “I don’t know, I don’t mind it that much. They can all admire her for whatever they want. What matters to me more is Jihyo. Only her.” I just said nonchalantly to her, which she find a bit suspicious why I care less about it.

Whether by coincidence or not, more and more days have passed, and my other classmates that I’m close with are all girls. Have I mentioned that I’m comfortable and easy to befriend with girls rather than guys? I never had a sister in my life; that’s why I view them as my sister-like figures, but still, I know how to set my boundaries with them due to society’s common stereotype of seeing two opposite genders together.

They all also began to know my adoration for Jihyo, and they are either secretive or teaseful about it, and I find myself on the brink of danger whenever they do that on occasions that me and Jihyo would have an interaction together. Some examples I can give are when I, along with Nako and her, were discussing our anticipation of attending the concert of our favorite K-pop group this coming week.

I was expressing my loneliness to them rather because I wasn’t entirely sure if my parents would allow me to attend such a huge event like that and for me also to travel to a place that is very far away from our city. I was about to give up my hopes until a certain person simply boosted my faith again and not wanting to let me go that easily.

“You should go to that concert, YN! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you should not waste it!”

Jihyo spoke to me and she gave me that hopefulness and positivity. She knew I might need it for her and if that so then she’s damn right. I couldn’t ask for anything more than to hear a support and concern than from her.

And later that night, I tried to ask my parents about it, and shockingly, they allowed me to, as long as I had someone with me. Nako joined me, while Jihyo went with her sister. I got a little excited, thinking I was going to be with her too, but that’s just fine. At least, I still got some heart-bursting interaction with her on social media when we both exchanged heart reactions on our posts about our experience at the concert.

Another time I could give that one of the best things I would want to just happen forever in my life was when I got unexpectedly sick in the school, and what’s even more suck about the timing is that we were rehearsing for our roleplay performance in just 3 days.

Our director set me aside for now and gave me a time to recover but ofcourse the worry of me not being able to make it to the deadline struck a fear on him. I just lay down on one of the benches with all of my classmate’s bags around me. I tried to sleep but the pain in my head just won’t let me go in peace.

I was about to go to the clinic with no other option in mind because I didn’t actually want to go there because, um, yeah, call me a scaredy cat, but I’ve heard many times from some of the students, including my classmates, that our school nurse is a terror. She’s so strict that there’s no doubt that once she finds me, my temperature will be high. Since the pandemic happened, these medical professionals have been very careful for the past few years.

One positive detection and surely I’m gone for today. I just sighed defeatedly because I wanted to practice today and to see her ofcourse. I sat up and gave myself time to prepare myself as I might feel dizzy standing up, but then I heard some footsteps and felt arms wrapped around me.

“J-jihyo?” I exclaimed weakly. She must’ve felt my body trembled in shock as I found her beside me. She just looked at me and tightlipped.

“You’re going to the clinic now?”

“Yeah. I have to.”

“You can’t do it by yourself. Look how weak you look. Cmon, I’ll join you on your way there.”

“Y-you sure? B-but they might look for you and-

“I just finished rehearsing my part. My next one is three acts after, so they wouldn’t mind.” Jihyo said. “But it’s up to you, can you do it by yourself?”

“Actually, I really didn’t want to go home yet.” I said with sincerity of sadness on my voice.

“I know, but you have to.” Jihyo said to me. “Let’s go.”

We started walking, and I gave one last look at my classmates. I caught Miyeon, who saw me with Jihyo smiling at us, and I knew what that meant. We went together to the clinic, and I feel embarrassed that I had to make a girl wait for me outside, even though she didn’t mind me that much. The nurse wasn’t even that scary; she was rather strict, but in the sense that she’s doing it because she cares for the students’ health.

She found my fever weird because… hmm how can I say this, well it’s like my temperature risen due to hunger, dehydration and possibly some changes of temperature also to the places I’ve been at since she discovered that I don’t actually feel dizzy or aching on my head.

That’s why due to my determination to remain here, she dared me to atleast decrease my temperature by having a meal and lots of water on the canteen or else she’ll have to excuse me to my instructor.

I went out of the clinic, accepting the challenge and Jihyo was just there sitting and using her cellphone. She felt my presence reappeared and she greeted me. “How’s there?”

I repeated what the nurse told me. “Come on, let’s eat at the canteen first if that so.”

“Yeah.”

“My treat.”

“Wait, what?”

We stopped walking. “Why? What’s the problem?”

“N-nothing, I just… didn’t expect it.”

“Just don’t do anything for now. Since I accompanied you, let me just be like that today before we get back there.”

In my surprise, Jihyo wrapped her arm around my shoulders, giving me that bro-cuddle. I felt super shy and almost going to melt because of the skinship she’s doing to me. It’s ironic how her touch can beat the warm temperature running across my body.

She was the one who bought our food and drinks together and she returned to our place with it. We just took our meal quietly then short talks about our interests again, but it was still enough for me. I give some sneak glances at Jihyo on my side, observing her sipping that iced coffee while she busily scrolls down on her phone.

My body suddenly felt lighter and numb, I think my sickness didn’t even exist to worry myself as I was just busy admiring her all over again. Not gonna lie, this just had me spawning another idea to imagine being with her more. A date with her is something I’d definitely would love to have someday with her.

But again, I knew I have no chance.

The deadline came and we were going back to the clinic, but just then Jihyo offered me something. It’s a medicine on the palm of her hand.

“Take this, it’ll help more.”

“Jihyo, you might need it once you-”

“But I don’t have one and you are, that’s why you need it more than me.” Jihyo rejected. “Just take it.”

I didn’t object anymore and took it at ease from her. “Thanks, Jihyo.”

“No prob, now get in there and hopefully you’re fine now. I mean, you’re kinda sweating now too so yeah maybe you really needed some rest.” She said as she poked at my arm.

I nodded and I entered with confidence, I know that Jihyo helped me a lot today. Fortunately, we were right. My temperature returned to normal still very close on reaching that low fever. I exit and immediately thanked Jihyo again which she returned with her gummy smile that I always loved seeing from her.

It was our classmates’ break too from the rehearsal and they saw us together rejoining them. As usual, Nako and Miyeon were the ones leading the group of people who knows my crush for Jihyo and they teased me about it.

And speaking of group of people who knows about my love secret, a new one has been added. It happened through our chat in Instagram when somebody replied in my story featuring a movie quote about loving someone but being aware of the consequences which makes you rather think twice on pushing yourself to chase for her feelings.

That person is the guy Jihyo is mostly close with in our classroom. They are both smart, but this one is smarter and they get along easily because they share the same humor. He replied to me saying “Who is that girl huh?”

I didn’t tell him yet. We went for some few talks until I recalled our time on the mall earlier with our other classmates. “Hey, I hope you don’t mind joining your circle like earlier. Maybe you guys might find having me uncomfortable, I just wanted to keep my closeness with you guys as my classmates.”

“We’re cool, YN. Actually I like it even more that you’re trying.” He said. “However, I do seem it doesn’t apply for somebody.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think out of everyone we were with at the mall earlier, I didn’t even saw you like interact or go near at Jihyo.” He said. I almost dropped my phone in disbelief. He did noticed me being shy around Jihyo. Sensing that he’ll end up as one of them who is about to find out soon, I didn’t wait for it anymore and after some few hesitation, I made up my mind to do what I have to do. “Did you two had a fight or something?”

“Ahh, that?” I said. “Well actually there’s another reason why you guys might find me sticking along to your circle more.”

He reacted a wow emoji on my message. My heartbeat racing as I typed the letters of her name on the keyboard. After i sent it, I waited for his reaction and what had me was his long laughter.

“Ahhhh so that’s why!” I can hear his annoying laugh behind the phone. My head just bent in shame and laughed poorly at my idiotic self. I don’t know if revealing my crush for Jihyo is even a good or a bad idea to do it with this guy.

“So yeah, I said it to you now. And I did it because I trust you so please, don’t let her know. She doesn’t need to.” I pleaded to him.

“Faggot, don’t.” He then continued with another laughter. Now I just want to rub my face on the table. “Good luck tomorrow, I’m going to tease you a lot from now on.”

I knew it would happen. I gulped nervously and chuckled again imagining what would I expect starting tomorrow if things will go in a chaotic change for me now that people are starting to recognize me because of being an admirer to our fellow classmate.

I prepared myself before going to the campus. As I arrived there, Sehun, which is his name, immediately laughed at me as I approach them who are waiting for our professor to arrive since the classroom is still locked. I just laughed back and whined at him to stop doing it frequently or else Jihyo might find it suspicious and it may attract her attention.

Thankfully, he did listened. He was just like doing it in a manner that he tries his best to insert a joke referring to me but Jihyo and the rest won’t notice. Before we went home as our classes for today ended, he gave me a short advice that began to repeat for the few days to come or whenever we get to talk together.

“Make a move already.” He said. “Do it. She’s easy to get along with. Don’t be nervous.”

I know to myself that I’m trying, but I’m not doing that to impress myself. I stand at my reason still why I don’t have any plans to make an action on how to make her mine. He did say it with the same idea I was thinking for the past few months since I started to develop an attraction to Jihyo, so I just listened to him while keeping my feelings behind me.

But again, being the dorky admirer that I am, I find it difficult to do whenever my feet would bring me closer to me or when I’m standing next to her. I couldn’t acknowledge her presence in ease. It was stressful, and it raises my belief that I am indeed a hopeless romantic.

It continued for few months that my classmates would also ran out of energy to disturb me with their playful gestures on leading me to Jihyo. They slowly didn’t cared at all and it was kind of relieving at least that’s going back to normal now that I can just move around without anybody noticing me. That didn’t last long though when I was walking home with my classmates and two of my other female classmates named Jeewon and Karina asked me randomly when Jihyo got mentioned in our topic.

“You still have feelings for her?” Jeewon asked me.

“Yeah.” I admitted.

“How long do you have a crush on her?”

I remembered the date today and that exact date when I proclaimed myself that I am indeed catching feelings for Jihyo. “Almost a year now.”

Both of them woah-ed. Karina took the turn to ask me. “Why aren’t you doing anything yet? You’re almost reaching a year, that’s long enough already.”

I sighed and slumped my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I believe its better if she must not know. I don’t want her to end up with me anyway.” I said weakly as my mind replayed that time when I talked with my other classmate named Lia who lives at the direction where my home leads at, stating that she learned that Jihyo doesn’t have any interest on this love thingie and she prioritize her studies first. She didn’t deny the part though that she already had an experience of being in love with somebody. Based on her report, they almost became a couple back when they were in senior high school but sadly, it didn’t happened for unknown reason.

Jeewon and Karina aww-ed in pity for me being a fallen soldier who still remains loyal fo a girl who will never be aware of my feelings and be mine. They just expressed their opinion that a year or more might just be wasted and more painful to see somebody I’m loyal with get to be rather with someone else. That’s why they still wanted to push me to try atleast.

I just kept it in mind but I haven’t considered it yet. I did have another reason with me that i didn’t shared to them which added to my reasons why I should remain on the shadows. I recalled from my chat with Lia that she has speculations to her ex-boyfriend, which is Sehun that he is interested with Jihyo too.

She even enumerated to me her evidences she observed which became a reminiscence to the things Sehun once did for her when he was courting her.

“First, you see how he always places himself next to Jihyo. Second, he was frequently escorting her with his motorcycle, to take her home or go to somewhere else. He did that to me once, and that’s when he found out where I live in and now for sure he knows where Jihyo’s home too. Lastly, he can just easily get access on her things without a permission. He even carries her bag for himself!

Don’t you think those were still nothing for him? I’m telling you, he’s chasing for Jihyo’s feelings just like how he did to me and what makes me afraid is that he might also waste her heart just like how I ended up into. He’s a player!” She said with all frustrations and I calmed her down. It threw me back to my conversations with Sehun and that advice he gave me which he always say in repeat that I should “Make a move already”.

At first it was just a simple encouragement to me but now after hearing what Lia said, I felt like it was rather a challenge sent to me. That I should do something now or else he’ll be the one who’s gonna win in the end.

Well, for my response? I don’t even care. Let him have her if he wants. If there’s some sort a miracle that it happens, I swear to God that I hope he won’t hurt Jihyo or else,I may reconsider and I’ll be there in no time.

Speaking or miracle, the reason I said it like that is because Lia and I share the same idea: “Pfft he wouldn’t have a chance with her.” Lia said in a mocking tone. “Jihyo doesn’t want to get involved with such guys like him. He may be great at words but internally? He’s immature, way apart to Jihyo.”

“Hmmm so that’s why I’m getting a weird feeling whenever I see them together” I revealed that I actually do get jealous whenever I see them close. At the bench where they review together with their circle, At the canteen where they eat and laugh together. And… yeah when he instructed Jihyo to hug him when they were riding on his motorcycle.

I just tried to hide my face contorting as my heart swells in pain seeing them like that. I was gaslighting myself that maybe it was nothing and they’re close friends that’s why. Jihyo met Sehun early when we became freshman that’s why them being close isn’t surprising anymore.

Until Lia came to dispose those lies I’ve been saying to myself. “See! Even you can see it from them. Trust me, YN. Sehun is making a move on Jihyo. I was his ex, I know him better when he acts for love.”

A month later, those all allegations and rumors we have for Sehun along with my other friend and former classmate who shifted to another course named Arin who also told me that she caught Sehun with another girl eating together and drive away on his motorcycle near at their neighorhood. Arin was living near to Sehun’s house that’s why. Arin even added that when her eyes met against Sehun’s it looked like he caught in the act and just quickly greeted at her back before they left.

Unfortunately, Arin didn’t recognize the girl but she did told me that she was wearing a uniform that is not from our campus, planting a seed that the girl is from another campus that he is also close with.

Going back to what I was saying, those all rumors were ended and disposed away when one day, me and Sehun are sitting next to each other at our subject about Psychology since our surnames’ initials are right next to each other, with mine before his.

While we wait for our instructor, he pulls out his phone and typed something before he poked me and made me look at it. I looked at the message he sent, I read it and it says:

“You’re in danger, YN.”

I furrowed my brows at him. “Danger? For what?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Boss is starting to speculate you.”

My eyes widened and my chest felt heavy immediately. His laugh got a bit louder but he stopped and typed again on his phone.

“Seriously? I-I mean, I’m not shocked since I knew it’s gonna happen. Secrets are meant to be unveiled-” I was just spitting nonsense now at this point, while I am heavily confused that she finally does began to notice me.

He presented his phone again. This time it says:

“Make a move already. Sungbin is almost at the end.” My brows deepened. Who the hell is Sungbin? I then asked it to him along with the question how did Jihyo suspected me, but instead he just said he will say about it more later.

That son of a bitch though left me hanging and getting eaten alive with all my curiosities for an entire day until I had enough waiting and I chatted him repeatedly about it while clearing up any misunderstandings that I’m not even expecting a lot or whatever. He finally responded and this is what he replied to me.

“Yup she shared it to me like, out of nowhere- she just asked. This is not what happened specifically, huh. This is just too long to read.

For her sake and yours. I don’t want to become your “middle man” even though you both are very distant to each other, got it?

After she approached me, she asked who do you like then ofcourse since you said before that you don’t want me to say it plus it’s not really my business so I just didn’t answered her.

But it looks like she didn’t really wanted to ask it then, I guess she got tired of waiting (just like you right now.) She then asked me directly if “Am I the one that YN likes?” and there, still with respect for you… I didn’t answered her. Not my story to tell.

But overall, just chill. No need to approach her about it anyway. Plus I don’t want to get involved if ever like “Sehun was the one who said it to you, doesn’t he?” Pass. I don’t want to get in trouble. There, make your move or don’t. It’s up to you. She's not thinking about it like actively, don’t worry. Maybe it just crossed her mind that time. So yeah, that’s your too long to read. Ciao.”

I thanked him and felt touched that he really did listen after all this time, and he became a man of his word for it. It’s still unknown though if he also harbored a crush on Jihyo, but during that time I did kind of notice that he wasn’t getting that much into contact with her that I might find jealous of. Maybe he gave up shortly and is now focusing on somebody else.

I learned afterwards that this is not the time that Jihyo starts to investigate her possible secret admirer, aka me. I confirmed from some of my classmates that Jihyo also asked them about it, and they also lied about it. I also feel like Jihyo is now also hiding a secret from me, as I found her following me whenever I take a spot somewhere else around the campus, yet still minus the talking.

I got nervous at the idea that maybe she’s testing or examining my antics if she can consider it that yeah I am getting shy around her because she’s my crush afterall. Realizing that she must have known now, I’m stuck if i really have to do it as there’s no more sense anymore if I have to continue being like this way.

I then hold on for few days until the time has come. I don’t know if this is such a huge coincidence or my classmates are pulling a prank on me. I did contacted them to confirm the location of our group study and the time which I quickly prepped up to head there.

But as I arrived there, I found Jihyo who is sitting alone and using her cellphone. It’s early in the morning and there’s not much students scattered around. It’s very quiet and peaceful but deep inside of me I feel like my emotions are going into war not knowing what I should do.

There’s no way out for me as I cannot leave anymore and Jihyo immediately saw me after she looked away at her phone. I had no choice but to come near at her while I try my best to compose myself. “Good morning.” She greeted me and I did the same.

“They’re still not here? I thought I’m already late that’s why I quickly went here.” I said, acting nonchalant and a bit confused.

“Same too. But since we’re here, let’s just wait for them.” I nodded and I instantly grabbed my things and took them out. From my peripheral vision, my senses are telling me that Jihyo is still observing me.

I don’t want to be weird so I silently plead that she stop, but as longer as we continue to be like this, I then realized that it was actually Jihyo who is becoming awkward between us. My patience couldn’t hold anymore as I see her blank face, I closed my notes and sighed heavily before I spoke the words I’ve never wanted to say.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about.” I said. Jihyo didn’t moved and stared at me, wondering what I’m talking about, so I proceeded with my words. “Making you uncomfortable and unhappy being around me, and it scares me. That’s what I’m being so hesitant for.”

I lowered my head, avoiding her gaze at me. What she said after made me lift up and put my attention to her as this is now something both she and I must discuss sincerely.

“So it’s me.” She finally comprehended what I’m trying the say.

“Always has been, Jihyo.” I confirmed, officially marking my confession to her and shattering my more than a year-length of being her secret admirer.

“And I just want to tell you right ahead that i’m very sorry.” I continued my heartfelt speech, wanting to make every thing clear for Jihyo. “We both know we ain’t that close or I don’t know, even be called as friends to have a normal conversation like this, and it’s my fault. It’s because of this deep infatuation- no screw that, I know for myself that this is indeed love I’ve been having on you that makes me act very awkward around you and trust me, I’m trying very very hard but I just cannot help it.”

“I do notice that I’m like the only one that you don’t get to interact with in the class.” Jihyo said. “Hearing that from you more, it did kind of hurt a litlle bit, you know. Seeing our classmates happy and comfortable talking with you, but I can’t have it the same as them. It did made me worried if I even did something bad to you. W-why does it have to be different when it comes to me?”

I frowned and took all of her rants with guilt. “I thought it was like that, but now I would just found out that’s all because you just… love me that much that you had to act like I’m non-existent?”

“I’m really sorry, Jihyo.” I muttered. “I have my reasons but it’s too many to say.”

“Then atleast enlighten me why do you have to set yourself away?”

“My fears and insecurities are not allowing me to, Jihyo.” My breathing is starting to get heavy as I sense the rising intensity of our confrontation. Jihyo was staring at me, puzzled. “It’s hard to escape. I’m scared that if you once knew, you will just ignore me because of it. That’s why I think not being close with you is much better because atleast I… I have nothing to lose more from you.”

Jihyo gulped and her expression turned into concern. She was about to move towards me but she hold on as I soon followed up what did she got taken aback from. My eyes swelled and a thin cold path started to drew from my cheek, and that’s when I touched it, a teardrop had escaped to present how much I’m struggling with this feeling.

“W-why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you need to hurt yourself more because of me?” Jihyo adjusted herself closer to me. Our eyes still ain’t leaving our staredown at each other. It deeply feels like i’m under interrogation right now that I have to defend and tell my side with all honesty.

“It’s just a feeling that I have.” I shrugged. “That i’m not the example of an ideal guy you would like to be with. I’ll just ruin whoever you are and we’ll end up being torn. Now you know why I didn’t want to confess to you because I’m not desperate for you to answer me back and tell me that you love me too. Maybe it’s better if you don’t.”

I was about to wipe my tears with my spare cloth but I was prevented by Jihyo herself who touched my hand and grabbed the cloth instead. Astounded, she damped it around my face and wiped my tears away.

“YN, please you don’t have to be harsh at yourself.” Jihyo sharpened her voice. I shook my head and tried to remove her hand.

“Don’t worry, it’ll end soon, when the time comes that my heart decides to stop.”

“AND IF I TELL YOU NOT TO?!” Jihyo suddenly yelled in front of me, slamming her fist at my shoulder. My eyes widened at her outburst. I went speechless, oblivious at the fact that I’ve been pushing her buttons further the more she hears me blabbering poisonous words at myself.

Her question rather, sounded suspicious. She returned her glare at me and she reached for my hand laying on my lap.

“I’ve had enough of hearing you hate yourself this much, you may not be fit on some of the qualities I want to the type of person I dream to be together with but I didn’t find everything about you horrible!” Jihyo complained. “And I am willing to get to know more about your capabilities, my standards weren’t even that high to be reach. I feel like it’s not right for me to be like that. If you hate yourself, then what about me? I don’t even think that anybody would fall for me who doesn’t even act accordingly to the gender norms this society has dictated upon.”

“Then I’m not one of them.” I said with confidence. “Initially, I never wanted to be in love again. But then I saw you and more time has passed, I couldn’t determine at first what my heart find you qualified to make me fall for you.

One year ago, I began as your secret admirer observing you from a far, and that’s where I started picking it all up. Many will find you rather handsome or a less attractive because of your boyish cut, tough posture, and antics that doesn’t suit you. But to me, I see different.

You’re uniquely beautiful and cute on your own that I couldn’t stand not to glance at your face for a second. I see this smart and mature woman that you would respect and willing to listen to every words she says attentively. God, you don’t how many times I imagine having you near me all the time just doing every ideas I could think to make you know how I’m deeply in love with everything about you. Just to make you feel special.

Jihyo, I love you because of how your authenticity shines through.”

After I enumerated all the signs that I find captivating from Jihyo and from how she shifted her gloomy mood into an uplifted state, smiling at the compliments I showered over her. She bit her lip and sighed as she looked away, thinking of something else for a while.

Jihyo then brought back her gaze and roamed it all around the sight of myself in front of her. “I really appreciated it a lot, YN. It did sounded sincere.” She nodded in which I mirrorred her. “We really can be friends, but this silly crush is pulling both you and I from each other.”

“S-so, you don’t-”

“No, wait it’s not like that!” Jihyo stopped me as she probably noticed that I misintepreted her. “I mean… you’re a cool guy and can you please stop ignoring me anymore? I-It really hurts when you only do that to me among the rest.” She begged with her softened dismayed tone as she pouted at me. I couldn’t care less anymore if I look like a tomato at how red my cheeks or face would appear from her cuteness.

“I won’t, I promise.” I assured her.

She sighed in relief. “Finally.”

Both sides became silent for a second before Jihyo proceeded again. “About your confession, I won’t reject you for now, YN.”

My hopes and dreams reignited and altered again with that single sentence that she said. I gasped and became overwhelmed at her response that I always thought after all these time that she would just nevermind and won’t take it seriously. “Please understand that my focus for now are on our studies, and you should be as well. I would also like to advice you to take care of yourself and use all of these time I will give for you to improve yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. I don’t want to see you being like this anymore, okay?”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I nodded at her as I listened attentively to her favor.

“Can you wait for me? I mean… if you can’t, w-well… if your heart gets tired of me, y-you can find someone new-”

“And what if I won’t?”

Jihyo considered my interruption and added a new suggestion. “Then how about I’ll wait for you to come back and you must do the same for me?”

“Deal.” We shook hands to seal it. As we slowed down the pace, I let out my gratitude for her. “Thank you for hearing my confession to you, Jihyo. You don’t know how light I feel now after I finally lift off this huge baggage I’m carrying inside of me for spending the entirety of the year admiring you which I thought that would be impossible.”

Jihyo slapped my arm and grinned. “Tss, it’s nothing. I want to also say thank you for speaking up to me about what you really feel for me and I appreciate it a lot, YN. All you had to do is to open up. Sometimes you just have to face your fears.”

We both smiled at each other and then burst out laughing afterwards to avoid getting ourselves trapped again in awkwardness. “There they are on the gate, we should start reviewing now.”

Jihyo began pulling out her things out of her bag and we opened our notes and papers. At this moment, we officially had a mutual understanding to remain being friends for now while we wait for the future to bring what we will end up to be.

3 YEARS LATER

Me and Jihyo were still friends until our last year level… while we couldn’t deny that the signs are still there in present. Today is our graduation day and we both received our certificates, declaring our successfully conclusion of almost becoming an engineer one step away.

As everyone were finally got called on the stage, awarded, and delivered their speeches, we were all commanded to throw our hats to the air and celebrate for ourselves of reaching this far for the best of our careers.

I went to my family and welcomed their greetings to me. I couldn’t help but to be emotional seeing them enveloping me into their embrace. I owe it all to their hardwork and dedication. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here where they want me to be, and now me as well too. I’ll bring them with me as my start to build my life to its improvement.

After having my moment with them, now I went to search after to the only person that matters more to me than everybody else out there. I reached the center of the auditorium, it was empty, and my feet decelerated as I finally saw who I am looking for.

Jihyo was there, now in her new bobbed haircut, looking even more fantastic in her graduation gown. She was holding her award as mine and we faced each other from the distance in the middle of such crowded place. She smiled at me and I did the same for her.

I started walking to approach her and so did she. We stood face to face and we exchanged chuckles at one another.

“We did it.”

“Yeah. Can’t believe it as well.”

We stared at each other. I saw her smile slowly shrink from being proud to affectionate.

“YN… d-did you wait for me?”

“I… I did.” I nodded and smiled, although it’s hard as I knew what we’re about to discuss about.

“I’m sorry.” Jihyo said me and she couldn’t help but to cry for me. “I’m sorry if I couldn’t do the same.” I heaved out a long sigh as I try to mask my devastation.

“But you helped me in other way possible.” I comforted her, not wanting to see her drag herself down just because she failed to last long in the deal we made years ago. “You changed me for the better, Jihyo. Even though that I do admit that my heart is… shattered into pieces right now but that’s what doesn’t matter here.”

“I also give credit on you for what I am now today. I became the best version of myself just like you wanted me to be.” I smiled at him, despite my lips twitching in bittersweet. “I would’ve like it much to apply it on showing how I love you so much, that after all these years I remained loyal for you, I never gave up, Jihyo. I thought we’re gonna be something more in the end but… I was right all along.”

“The likes of us weren’t meant to be together. I have finally accepted that.” I nodded which urged my tears to fall more. “Despite in the way from our darkest days when you often refuse to run away just for the love you tried to save, that’s how it is. Some things cannot be saved when its destined to die.”

I looked at Jihyo and I swayed some of the hair blocking her mesmerizing beauty even with the ruined mascaras and smeared eyeliner.

“You probably even came to see me and hear me say I did too.” She said while she hiccuped on her sobs.

“No, I just came up to meet you to tell you how lovely you are today and…” I paused as I reached for the medal that is hanging around my neck. “W-will you please tell me this too for the last time? Have I made you proud too as well?” I asked her as I remember all of the times she makes me proud seeing her achieving all of those accomplishments she’s receiving because of her academic performance. That’s what motivated me to do better on my studies so that someday, I can make her be proud of me too.

“I know for sure I cheered the loudest I can get when I watch you grab that award, YN.” She nodded and smiled at me while sniffing her tears.

I feel contented at her answer. She immediately pulled me closer to her, my first and the warmest hug I ever shared with her. She cried aloud on my shoulder and I just hummed ay her as I try to comfort her as much as I can.

“Forgive me, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, YN. I wish I didn’t loved you for me to hurt you this badly.”

“I can’t hate you, Jihyo. You just discovered where your heart truly settles.” I said to her. “Don’t blame yourself now, please let’s just be happy for ourselves. Can you do it for me?”

“Y-yes…” I felt her head move around my hold. I knew she can hear my heart still beating loud for her. How I wish she still the same, but when I looked into her eyes, she’s not even there anymore.

I smiled at her, not minding what’s going on around us. I focused on Jihyo only, she’s the most important of them all as usual. It’s no denying that I gave her all I had and for sure I’m willing to repeat it.

“So this is what it feels like.” I lastly said before I broke the hug between us and exchanged congratulations for our success. I watched her return back to her place, to where she belongs. She reunited with her new boyfriend while I left as I finally lose control of my emotions. I cried out loud, defeated and disoriented.

I can’t believe that its over for the both of us.

#twice #twice au #twice fanfic #twice oneshot #kpop fanfic #kpop au #kpop oneshot #twice jihyo #park jihyo #jihyo x reader #jihyo x male reader #jihyo x female reader #twice x reader

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limbuscompanysituations · 5 months ago

Note

W-Corp sinners hearing rumors about a ghost on the warp train, appearing with unharmed/sleeping passengers. Through investigation they encounter the ghost, only for said ghost not only to recognize them, but recount the previous times they've encountered them. (Ghost Reader x W-Corp Sinners)

I'm not joking when I say this is VERY LONG. It goes as follows: a brief meeting about the WARP Train ghost, and then every sinner's individual meeting with them. It took me a while to get to this request because I was unsure about how to tackle it to begin with. Thank you for your patience!

As the meeting goes on, the head of the group, or rather the one relaying information to them, finally approaches the main topic at hand.

"It goes without saying that this matter should not be spoken of outside of this group, as it pertains to corporate secrets." Faust begins, "As every employee in this meeting, regardless of ranking, has encountered a strange phenomena within the boundaries of the WARP train, higher management has decided to address this... situation."

The word they gave her was "issue", but as far as she was aware the anomaly had yet to negatively affect any train trips.

"I would not like to assume, knowing that secrecy is of utmost importance here, however, am I correct in suggesting that this has something to do with a certain unexpected passenger?" Yi Sang speaks.

Faust nods and glances around the room. Her other coworkers have varying reactions to the mentioned passenger.

Hong Lu stares off into the distance, lips pressed into a firm, thin line. Don Quixote's usual high energy self is silent and pensive. Meursault shows no signs of emotions other than briefly closing his eyes with a low hum, while Outis crosses her arms and looks away. Ryoshu lits up another cigarette and huffs. Rodion has a slight smile on her lips but her eyes are as cold as ever.

"All of you seem to be on the same page. This saves us time." She nods, "You are to proceed with your work as per usual, and report any encounters with the anomaly to an appointed senior manager."

"Ah, so nothing changed, really." Rodion clicks her tongue. She didn't know what she was expecting.

"Are you sure this event will not cause any..." Hong Lu raises his hand, trying to pose his question.

"I cannot speculate on secrets that pertain to WARP Train functionality." But Faust swiftly cuts him off.

He lowers his hand and nods.

"Comrade Faust," Don Quixote begins, "Can't we do a thing about it...?"

Faust shakes her head. "There is no way to say for certain whether this anomaly is dangerous to passengers of the WARP Train, be them employees or customers. You're to observe but not interfere."

The bright blonde woman seems dejected at that response.

"Listen to those above you, and you may learn a thing or two." Outis scoffs. It seems she had already made up her mind regarding this matter.

Ryoshu clicks her tongue, "Boring."

Faust politely dismisses all of her coworkers. There is nothing else she can tell them, given their contracts, and also nothing else she can reliably say about it. This is something beyond the scope of information he has access to.

From here onward, they all have to handle the passenger as they see fit.

_______________________________

Yi Sang:

He's almost done with his part of the job when the ghost appears. He doesn't startle or react in any way to the sight of it. The passenger sits on a surprisingly clean bench, gazing at him with a longing that's familiar to him. They've met many times like this. He looks around and sees that as per usual, three or four asleep passengers are huddled in a corner. None of his coworkers have made it to this carriage either.

Yi Sang sits by their side, and they sigh.

"This trip is taking a lot longer than advertised, don't you think?" They say. He doesn't respond, merely resigning himself to stare out the window. "That's what the usual passenger thinks when the train departs from the station, did you know?"

He knows it would be better if he didn't interact with them, but cannot help it.

"I am aware." He keeps his thoughts about the corporation's methods to himself.

"It's alright, I think. As long as every passenger reaches their destination and the horrors are erased from their minds..." They stop to ponder for a second.

They sit together in silence. This is one of the many times they've met in the train, and yet Yi Sang can't seem to remember when was the first time. He somehow knows that in spite of his quietude, in spite of trying to keep his thoughts to himself, they seemed to already know every single one of them.

"When... Have we met?" He finally asks.

"A million lifetimes ago." They respond calmly, "Even though you forgot, I cannot let go."

Yi Sang shuts his eyes tight. For some unknown reason, the phrase makes him want to cry. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

"It's okay, because you will keep coming back, and as long as you do, so will I." They reassure him.

He doesn't know if that's for better or for worse.

---------------------------

Meursault:

It's clear that their pristine looking self does not belong in the middle of a train that's otherwise filled to the brim with carnage. This is the anomaly W Corp is trying to understand. They stare at each other briefly, before he makes note of the group of unharmed passengers who sleep on a bench not too far.

When they smile at him, that sad smile he knows too well, he can't help but feel lonely. This must be one of the anomaly's many effects.

"You are a passenger." He is the first one to address the being in front of him.

They nod.

"Your destination is soon approaching." He thinks these words will comfort them, but instead they only make their smile disappear.

"There's no destination for me, as you know." They speak then smile again. A wave of melancholy takes over Meursault's heart.

"There is always a destination for a passenger. As certain as the sun rises and sets, you will go from point A to point B." He insists even though he knows the truth.

"You're always hopeful about it..." They laugh, "It's okay if I'm going nowhere. You're always here with me when I feel the most lonely."

"I'm an employee at W Corp. A cleanup agent will always-"

"Yes, yes, I'm familiar." They wave a hand in the air and dismiss his explanation. "It makes me happy that you're still this predictable."

He raises an eyebrow at them.

"Following a routine has always been soothing for both of us." They clarify.

"Ah."

This voyage will soon end, and the passengers in this carriage are already safe. Soon the unknown passenger will disappear.

Meursault hopes to meet them again.

______________________________

Faust:

There's only so much Faust knows, and yet inside the WARP train, she's as clueless about anything as every other employee. This anomaly, however, seems to know everything she's not privvy to and she's been trying to get it to open up. If only so she can for once have knowledge that belongs to her alone.

"Why do you think you keep coming back?" She asks.

They roll their eyes at her and then shake their head, chuckling a bit.

"You keep asking the same questions... At least you're as curious about me as ever. That's nice. It would be a lot better if you could remember me too..."

"It is impossible for me to remember you if I am not given-"

"Directions? Yes... yes, directions. Both of us would benefit from having them.

Faust frowns.

"What's with the frown? You're not the only one allowed to be cryptic." They laugh and that has Faust genuinely annoyed. She tries not to pout but fails.

"To pursue knowledge is a worthy endeavor, and one I am not ashamed of." She retorts.

"Aren't you scared I might make you just like myself, though? Are you not scared you'll become a ghost too, if you talk to me too much?" Suddenly the mood shifts, and the passenger's expression is taken by concern.

"Faust already expected this question." Faust can finally say with a smug smile, and she relishes on them being the one annoyed now, "It is a risk, as the source of your condition hasn't been uncovered. And yet..."

She pauses and ponders on it for a second longer, staring at the group of passengers that are uncannily still intact even if asleep. The passenger patiently waits for her answer.

"I cannot rest, unless I find out who you are."

The passenger crosses their arms, sadly staring out the window.

"It's not like it will change anything..."

"It will change me." Faust replies confidently. "I want you to change me."

The passenger smiles and shakes their head, but their eyes fill with tears. Their emotions are growing more volatile with each of these encounters, and this is something she notes. If she could ask any of the others, she would, but she knows that's not a possibility.

Could she be running out of time? She couldn't say. The best she could do was to keep returning to this passenger, and hope to find an answer before it became an impossibility.

_______________

Hong Lu:

He's overjoyed to see them still unharmed, along with a group of unscathed passengers. It not only is a sight for sore eyes, it also makes his work much easier.

"You're still here, how nice~" He chirps and strolls over to them, "Ah, I suppose it's not nice for you, is it?"

"Not at all." They reply, but they're smiling and walking over to meet him in the middle of the carriage, "You haven't changed a bit ever since our last meeting."

"I don't think I could change in a a little over a day, haha..."

"You have no idea how much you've changed already... Ever since the first time we..." Their words drift away.

Hong Lu casually kicks at the floor with the tip of his shoe. At least there weren't any corpses to butcher in this wagon. He hated the stench of blood and how it would stick to his hair even after washing it multiple times.

"It's not the first time you say this, and yet you never tell me when we met before. That's a little mean, isn't it?"

They shake their head, "If you don't remember, then why should I tell you?"

"Ah~ so you're hoping I will remember eventually, if only you keep coming back." He wonders if this is the reason this passenger in specific can never leave the train.

He knows very well how it feels to be confined to a role one does not want.

They shrug, "I can't say if you're right or wrong, I guess I'm just here."

He can't help but question himself if the roles aren't reversed here, if they're real and he's the ghost. After all, he always felt like he was simply a passenger inside his own body; never able to choose the destination of his journey and never able to get off the ride.

"I guess we will have to find out, isn't that fun?" He smiles but he feels anger and frustration bubbling inside himself.

Life is such an unfair succession of unfortunate events.

______________________

Ryoshu:

As much as she likes working with W Corp passengers, she has begun to despise her job as a whole. It is repetitive and boring, and most of her time is spent teaching new hires. Being able to enter the train once in a while and unwind is nice, however. That's what the ghost has earned her: a little downtime to herself.

They silently watch as she casually builds a statue of a varied assortment of limbs. She met them a couple carriages away, and since there was no carnage there she walked out of it, only to have them follow.

"I never understood why you do that." They comment as Ryoshu thinks about weaving a bunch of eyes and their nerves together into a crown. "I can see what you're doing, and it could be called revolutionary in the artistic fields but..."

She turns around and glares at them.

"I- I mean, I'm not saying I don't like it!" They frantically wave their hands in front of themself.

"As if I asked your opinion." Ryoshu scoffs. They give her an awkward smile.

"Don't you feel sad you'll have to dismount the statue later? You've assembled the passengers together where your job is to disassemble and separate them..."

"Don't care." she shrugs. "Hm..."

"It's like playing with clay for you, isn't it?"

She grins at them and her eyes glimmer with excitement.

"Did I say something wrong...?"

"You understand." Ryoshu hums and tosses her burnt cigarette to the floor. "Since when?"

"I keep saying we know each other, even if you don't remember, but you never believe me..."

"Hn." Ryoshu turns her back to them.

Normally, in a train full of abominations, one does not turn their back to the other passengers. She knows they are harmless, though. Even if the higher ups want her to report on their appearance in the train, she already made up her mind about refraining from doing so.

First because she does not owe those assholes anything more than what's in the contract, and second because she feels strongly about this passenger. She has yet to figure out if it's in a protective or possessive manner.

____________

Don Quixote:

"After me, helpless civilian! I shall guide thee towards safety!" Don Quixote exclaims.

"They're all dead already..." They try to explain to her for the hundredth time.

"Tis uncertain when the abominations will return! Come!"

They sigh and shake their head, already knowing there's no getting through to her. She's trying to guide them to the exit once more. They know this attempt is fated to failure.

"I told you I can't-"

"Nay! I shan't accept that as the undeniable truth! One day I shall bring you to safe harbor then-"

"Don..." They hold her bloody hand gently, a sad look in their eyes and a slight smile on their lips, "Thank you. You really are my hero."

Don Quixote blushes and freezes in place. She starts vibrating a little, as if about to have one of her usual outbursts of energy. Then, when her vibrating calms down again, she takes in a deep breath.

"Thou compliment is deeply appreciated," She begins to say in a solemn voice tone, "However, I have yet to save thee."

"You're already doing a lot, it's okay." They reassure her.

"Nay! Tis only when thou see the light of dawn again- only when thou art capable of exiting this damned place- only then I will accept being called a hero! This I swear on my honor, verily so!"

They shake their head and sigh. There is really no getting through to her. At least they aren't alone, and she keeps coming back often too.

"Okay... It's a promise then." They know it's an empty promise, but this seems to make her happy.

Working with W. Corp. is thoroughly soul-crushing, she hates it and can't admit that one of the Wings she so dearly admires is in truth a den of lies and injustice. This passenger is the only tether to her wish of becoming a knight of justice, and one of the few good souls who still care about the other passengers.

Don Quixote will gladly keep trying to save them again and again, no matter how many times it takes.

And even if all her attempts are doomed to fail.

_____________________

Outis:

She was already expecting this to be a difficult task. The Wing doesn't want to forfeit any bit of information to them, it's pretty much an impossible task. Perhaps higher management hopes to keep throwing them at the mysterious passenger until it disappears. She wouldn't put it past them.

Still whenever she meets them, she hopes that doesn't come to happen.

"You took a little longer to clean up this time." They say. They're sitting on the train's floor, leaning back on one of the tight-shut doors. Their eyes are closed and they seem to be tired.

Not too far from them is the usual three or four passengers who remain safely asleep.

"A second longer was the price for a job done to completion." She replies and takes a seat by their side, "You're still here."

"It took a little longer than a second, didn't it?" They retort and Outis squints at them.

"You're trying to tease me."

"You've gotten a lot better at picking it up!" They chuckle and she huffs.

"That's rich for someone confined to the space within the WARP Train. You should be trying to gain my favor, so then you could-"

"I'm never getting out of here. You know this."

Outis presses her lips into a thin line, lowering her head and looking at the metallic floor. They always gave her this odd sensation- a feeling that she couldn't explain into a single word. It wasn't longing or loneliness or anything in that spectrum it was... a feeling that she could never return home, or that there was no home to return to. She absolutely loathed it.

"If you have your mind set on failure, then you will not achieve anything."

"Of course you'd say that..." They sigh and rest their head on her shoulder. She doesn't feel it in herself to push them away, rather having the sudden urge to pet their hair. She refrains from doing so.

She wants to know them and what they mean to her, but can never seem to ask about it upfront. Instead they repeat this dance, back and forth trying to figure each other out.

Maybe one day they will return home, and maybe one day, so will Outis.

______________

Rodion:

"Alright, I'm all in!" She says as she pushes a pile of finger bones towards her opponent. "Whatcha say~?"

"Ugh..." They inspect the cards in their hands with a disgruntled look, "Can I still fold?"

"You don't remember the rules of the game? I thought your entire deal was remembering." Rodya laughs as they fumble with their own pile of finger bones and cards.

"I didn't think you'd remember promising to bring a deck of cards!"

"It seems like one of us doens't take gambling very seriously~" She teases them.

"Ah... I'm out anyway, look, my hand is terrible." They show their cards to her and she sees that they got at least two pairs, "Just take everything."

She happily claims the pile of finger bones which are being used as currency here and then reveals her hand. Not a single match worth a thing.

"What?! Not even a pair?! How?!" They throw their hands into the air, thoroughly infuriated with her bluff.

"You played well, but you weren't really playing." She grins wide as she shuffles the cards again, "Rematch?"

"Agh!" They hold their head in their hands. "I- I don't know!"

"C'mon, it's not like you have anything better to do. But then you'll have to find your own finger bones to bet, I'm not giving them back." They aren't worth a single thing and will be returned to their owners when her shift is over, but having them alone giver her a sense of power.

"I don't have a weapon like yours, you expect me to go disassembling hands and feet from the corpses?"

"What? I thought you were bored of being here all alone. At least now you'll have something to do with your time."

"Of all people to be stuck with..." They sigh.

Her assumption that smuggling a deck of cards within her uniform would give her something was right. People always reveal themselves when there's something on the line. This was all meaningless to Rodion, of course, she was just glad she could have a break from her exhausting work.

She watches them dig around corpses a small distance away from her. She'd met them in another carriage, one that was clear of blood and whose passengers remained safely in one piece.

"Oh yeah, where was your destination again, by the way? I mean, were you going home as everybody el-"

"You already know this..."

It was a long shot, and she missed it by far.

"Ah, right. After all we are good friends from way back and everything~"

They turn their head to squint at her.

"Somehow you're still terrible at lying outside of gambling."

"Don't be so mean out of the blue." She huffs, "Maybe you were just so bad at cards that I ended up forgetting."

She means it as a light jab, but their expression turns into one of agony and extreme sadness.

"Don't say that..." Their eyes well up with tears.

"Ah- I meant it as a joke. I didn't- I didn't really mean it..." She isn't used to apologizing like this, but the moment she saw how much they were hurt, she felt the instinct to comfort them immediately.

"It's not a big deal..." Their lie is as clear to her as a diamond.

That's one of the things she hates about them. No matter how many times she finds them, she cannot remember. No matter how much she wants to completely forget, to abandon them and to do whatever with her life, she keeps coming back to them. No matter what, she still has these painful emotions swirling inside of her that she can't even trace back to an origin. She resents the fact she can't resent them either.

"Okay, I'll lend you a few of my chips." She concedes, "Come here, let's have a rematch."

#limbus company #lcb #limbus scenarios #yi sang lcb #faust lcb #don quixote lcb #meursault lcb #rodion lcb #ryoshu lcb #hong lu lcb #outis lcb #mirror world #W Corp mirror universe #I sure hope I didn't forget anybody #this took so long to write

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capitalism-and-analytics · 2 months ago

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I recently saw a post (not from you, just out in the wild) talking about how 'trickle down economics is a failure'. I'm fairly ambivalent about the concept for a few reasons, but in this case the person was criticizing it because 'the rich got richer' and 'wealth disparities, etc.'

Now I'm by no means an expert, but wealth (if not 'money') has certainly exploded in the last 50 years in the US - the fact that the vast majority of the population own a smartphone AND a computer alone should lead one to conclude this (it's near tautological). I'm also somewhat critical of demand-side economists when they complain that things aren't affordable, because that's literally what their economic model declares is the ideal situation. They seem to believe that a highly complex system can be fine-tuned so that everyone gets exactly what they need without fail, and don't consider such an idyllic outcome is nigh impossible: you either have too much, or not enough, never exactly what you need (at least, for a large population over a long period of time). I think I'm going to start referring to these people as 'Goldilocks Economists' because they seem to think they just need to keep trying things until they get it juuuust right, and underestimate just how many variable would require accounting.

Since you seem more informed on this topic, what are your thoughts?

Without seeing the post, I can't really speak in regards to it too confidently of specifics, but given your examples, it has to do with the fact that there is a disagreement in intended outcomes. Economic systems do not have intended outcomes or goals, they are dictated by society. The real metric of the 'effectiveness' of a system is in regards to how much it fulfills the represented society's goal(s). In relation to the author of the post, they aren't 'wrong' in their criticisms as it pertains to their own goals, but they are failing to realize that the rest of society does not agree with their goals in behavior. The reality is that the things people say and the things people do often contradict themselves. e.g. businesses often utilize cheap labor because consumers care more about price leadership than the usage of fair labor, despite claiming they would pay more for products produced with more fair labor.

Some of the other misconceptions that you brought up:

We don't live in a zero sum system and it is constantly growing as it is not measured through finite tangible resources, but the perception of both implicit and explicit value, which is effectively infinite.

The issue isn't that a system can't theoretically be fine-tuned, but instead the issue is that we can't unanimously define what is perfection to even attempt to fine-tune towards.

The misunderstanding that growth is only additive opposed to when in reality it can be multiplicative or exponential, which perpetuates the disparities. e.g. if everyone does 10% better, then those already doing better will proportional gain more relative growth, despite everyone being better off.

The misconception of 'needs' v. 'wants'. This goes back to my earlier point, but there is this fallacy that everyone will pursue the needs of others over their own wants, yet in reality, most of society will only pursue the needs of others when it aligns with their own perception of value.

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fantasy-things-and-such · 7 months ago

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Intro Post/Masterpost

These amazing dividers were made by @cafekitsune. go check them out! My banner was made by an IRL friend of mine. if you see this(which i doubt you will but maybe), thank you!

Hello! The name's Enju. This is my introductory post. Welcome!

I'm a aspiring author and poet living in the US. I mainly write Fantasy and am dipping my toes into dystopia.

i have three projects, listed later.

Asks and tags are always welcome, but please please please don't be mad if i dont answer right away. I'm alittle slow on the upkeep + life outside of writing is pain. Ill get to asks eventually, I promise!

Although i treat this like my Main blog, my dumbass made them in the wrong order when I first got here. @i-hate-happy-endings is my main, and its quite empty lmao.

#Sunset things: Related to my WIP, Sunset #Ailan's Legacy: Related to my WIP, White Candy #Frontline: Related to my WIP, Frontline #meet my OCs: A little series where i go into depth about my OCs #Enju's Worldbuilding: Stuff pertaining to worldbuilding(usually tagged with #Sunset things or #Ailans Legacy) #Greeted the Messenger: Replying to Asks

Master list for my WIP posts + taglist

Whenever i make a WIP post I'll make it pretty clear what kind of stuff is in it. CW mentions will always be at the top for mature themes and I'll try to put tone tags as well if i think there's any sorta stuff that might disturb people in there. And Lastly, Here be Dragons. I wont always remember or know what judgement to make, so Here be Dragons is my go-to warning label.

My WIPS:

Sunset: Sunset is a high-fantasy medieval romance series and the main topic of this blog.

White Candy(Ailan's Legacy): White Candy is a mystery novel with solar/steampunk elements.

Frontline(Placeholder name): Frontline is a dark fantasy dystopia with mature elements. Interact at your own risk.

this'll get updated as I do short stories.

An Eternity With you: A short story on a immortal guy and his journey of love

I'm afraid to tag my moots bc i interact with like two of them regularly. but they're all amazing people so here goes: @theliteraryarchitect @garden-of-runar @the-ellia-west @saturnsconstellation @wyked-ao3

@dandelionflowery @mae-occasionally-reads

@themortalityofundyingstars @thisisntrocket

@bookish-karina @elizaellwrites @the-golden-comet @illarian-rambling @a-pretty-damn-good-narrator

@leave-a-message19 @aesthetic-writer18 @rivenantiqnerd @humongouskittentraveler @emilynotfound

@the-alywickd @vyuntspakhkite-l-darling @melo-writes @agirlandherquill @heymacareyna

@poethill @angst-is-love-angst-is-life These are all amazing people and you should go follow them.

Emotional support post

#writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #writers of tumblr #creative writing #writers #oc

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myfandomrealitea · 6 months ago

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I know this is probably a wild generalization, but I don’t know if I can be in a community if they’re gonna say it’s okay for an adult in their 20s to write erotic fanfiction about a REAL 16 year old and a 20 year old. I understand fictional characters, because they’re not real, but RPF of minors seems like another thing completely.

I'm personally not invested in or interested in RPF of minors, but frankly the literal core value of proshipping is simply not inserting yourself into what other people do in terms of fiction, so.

You can disagree with it all you like, it doesn't necessarily make you 'not proship' as long as you're not sending people hate or trying to tell them they can't do it. There are plenty of people who are proship who draw a personal line at RPF involving minors. I know people who enjoy RPF of all ages but draw the line at topics like non-con when it pertains to those people/ships.

If it makes you feel any better, the anti community also, in a wild generalization, weaponizes rape videos and literal child pornography, believes in doxxing and stalking, supports suicide baiting and hounding.... Really, on each side there's the bad and ugly. Being proship doesn't strictly mean you enjoy or even condone or are invested in common themes and subjects under the 'protection' of the label. You're not a more morally clean or good person for being on either side.

Being proship simply means you know they're going to do it, you at least somewhat respect their right to do it, and you're not going to tell them to kill themselves over it.

Which honestly, feel like pretty basic requirements of critical thinking and human decency. As I said, I'm not invested in RPF about minors, but I simply curate my online space so I don't see it.

(Also, RPF is fictional still. Its quite literally in the name. Real person fiction.)

#myfandomrealitea #sephiroth speaks #fandom #reality #proship #proshipping #rpf #minor rpf #real life #profiction #profic #fiction #fic #fanfiction

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rewrittenmha · 7 months ago

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Hi, everyone! This is @sapphic-agent speaking! I went ahead and made the new blog just to have it set up. I won't be active on it for a while- at least not until I either finish the anime or read the manga- but when I am it will be mostly bouncing ideas around, discussing what went wrong in canon, giving shunned characters real arcs, and fixing character arcs that were lacking in canon.

As I said before, this isn't a full fledged rewrite. I don't think I have the time or the energy to commit to that. If I feel inspired, I may write little excerpts here and there. But other than that, this blog will primarily be discussion-based. Unlike my main blog, this one will be a little more serious. While I still won't treat characters like Bakugou, Aizawa, and Endeavor kindly, this blog won't be me just mindlessly bashing them. I do that enough on my main🤷🏾‍♀️

Rules

Be Civil: Don't be dicks to each other. I almost never see that from the people who frequent these tags, but this is just to make sure. No racism, homophobia, misogyny, transphobia, etc. No insults or threats or harassment. And please, no holier-than-thou attitudes. Everyone interprets the story differently and that's okay. Don't assume you know better because your opinion is different. The point of this blog is to be open to everyone's perspective. Just keep the discussions friendly, okay?

Be Constructive: I don't mind what you say about the fictional characters/plot/Horikoshi in the tags or reblogs, but I do ask that you keep the asks rewrite related. This is to a) keep the blog focused on one topic and b) keep my ask box from getting flooded. Questions are fine as long as they pertain to the rewrite.

Be Patient: I would like to go through every arc one by one. So if we're on the Sports Festival, it doesn't make sense to suddenly jump to the Shie Hassaikai, you know? It helps me keep things organized here

Scroll: If you're a Bakugou, Aizawa, or Endeavor fan, I recommend not visiting this blog. At best, they're all facing harsh criticism. At worst, they'll be given extreme consequences. Get gone if that bothers you. If you harass me or anyone else about it, you'll immediately be blocked. This isn't a space that's meant for you, kindly respect that.

No Shipping: I'm staying FAR away from shipping in this. I've never really shipped anyone in MHA hardcore (the closest maybe being MomoJirou), so I have no qualms leaving it out entirely. Don't ask me about any ships, none of them are going to be written by me. Only wholesome platonic relationships up in here😤

Keep asks focused on THIS rewrite. This blog isn't meant for giving advice or critiquing ideas for your own rewrites. If I'm ignoring your asks I'm not trying to be mean, but it just doesn't pertain to what I want to do here. I'm going to be deleting the asks I've already answered about this because it feels as though the blog is getting cluttered with them

I'm pretty sure that's it. I might add more rules if needed, so check in on this post every once in a while (I'll pin it). Can't wait to start on this after I get through this dumpster fire!

Stay tuned, everyone😊

#mha critical #bnha critical #mha rewrite #bnha rewrite #anti aizawa shota #anti endeavor #anti enji todoroki #anti bakugou katsuki

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iwitch-plus · 3 months ago

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Witchy Exercise

Just gonna go ahead and give this a shot without having previously read the original post. Here we go.

I don't particularly follow any specific traditions or paths. If I had to pick what I would classify my "craft" as, I would say I work mostly through divination, dreams, glamour magic, and with nature and whatnot. Idk what that translates into what "type" of witch I am.

I don't necessarily work with any deities, but I do tend to collect items for/of Aphrodite. I work with her sort of, but I don't know if she knows I do. It might be one sided.

I tend to keep my witchy life extremely private. I can't focus on myself if I have others knowing what I do and things like that. The only thing I ever really talk openly about is astrology, but that's sort of everyone nowadays, isn't it? I think the most important aspect of my craft to me is showing myself that I am the most powerful being in my life. My craft is just there to give me the physical tools and sometimes guidance needed to become as powerful as I can.

If you came to my house, you would see an altar but it's not really an altar, I guess. It's on my fireplace so I can't necessarily do work on it, but it's pretty and it has all my herbs, statues, seashells, and just other things I've collected over the years pertaining to my witchery. I guess where I get most of my witchy work done is at my computer desk. Maybe I'm somewhat of a tech witch as well, but I've never really looked into that. My desk is just so personal to me, and it's in the attic so if I really just need to get away from everything and focus on myself, I have a quiet place I can do readings or research or journaling, or anything of the sort.

The tools I use in my practice are pretty basic...I have herbs, many tarot decks, books, hell I even consider tumblr a tool sometimes. I really enjoy buying books about witchy topics, as research is one of my favorite things to do. I'm honestly a way bigger researcher than I am practitioner. But, I'm trying to change that.

As cliche as it sounds, the fall is truly where I feel most motivated to pick up my craft again. There's just something in the air that screams "Do a tarot reading!". I'm not huge on holidays or anything like that though. Celebrating all the sabbats would be fun, but it's also just sort of hard to keep track.

I really don't remember what got me into witchcraft. My great grandmother used to tell me stories of her power through her dreams. My grandmother told me of her power with seeing spirits. My mother would tell me stories of her power through speaking with spirits, and also power through dreams. I guess I just sort of came from a lineage of powerful women, but we didn't really call it witchcraft. I remember when I told my great grandmother about spirits that were bothering me, she told me how to banish them. It's just always been something that has so casually been apart of my life. I feel like maybe that's why sometimes I go through spurts of not actively practicing, because I just can't escape it. Even if I tried, I would still have prophetic dreams and too much intuition for my own good. Being a witch is not something I have ever had to try at, it's just something that I'm calling myself now.

I have no particular goal when it comes to my craft/practice. I guess maybe I want to be more connected to myself and become a more insightful and powerful person. It's been 8 years on and off, and I'm honestly still trying to figure it out.

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hello-eeveev · 5 months ago

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Yeah, I see people saying Essek's comment was flirting, but I'm like, 'Essek's demi, and him and Dorian barely talked'

I didn’t personally see the heartbreaker comment as particularly flirtatious, or at least not a serious flirtation. I don’t think Essek has a crush on Dorian or Dorian’s going to get absorbed into Caleb and Essek’s relationship or anything. It seems like Essek was just saying, “hey you’re handsome and charming.” I am demi/gray-romantic and extremely asexual, and there are people I think are handsome and beautiful and charming without any real attraction attached to that (see: the entire critical role cast).

but yeah I mean, fandom’s gonna fandom whaddya gonna do. I don’t think everyone—or even most people—are being necessarily dismissive of Essek’s demisexuality by doing eyebrow wiggles at the prospect of dorian/essek (/caleb), but I also get the feeling of frustration because tbh I’ve had similar frustrations with a number of essek/shadowgast fan stuff since I got here.

But really, if it bothers you, don’t engage. I have so many terms and tags blocked because I know I can get sensitive about things, especially about ace topics, especially as they pertain to essek and shadowgast. I do my best to avoid stuff that upsets me, and I recommend you do that too. Much easier said than done, but better than not trying at all.

#dorian/essek is probably for someone but it’s not for us! cheers to that!#and it’s not even close to happening in canon so I don’t think it’s worth worrying about too too much #people are excited about beautiful men in proximity to one another I’m sure it’ll blow over long before the next Essek appearance #cr spoilers #critical role #essek thelyss #dorian storm #asexuality #eve talks #anon ask #answered ask

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earlofnewshire · 6 months ago

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I need help from my trans and genderqueer people on here, and from their loved ones!

I myself am trans, and I'm trying to help my mum understand my identity better. I need recommendations for resources she can look into on her own so she can learn independently.

Articles and literature is preferred, but videos and podcasts and such are good as well. I am transmasc and genderqueer, so texts relating specifically to the transfem experience won't be super relevant, but feel free to drop them anyway! I want her understanding to be well rounded!

Some topics of particular focus are neopronouns and top surgery, but anything broadly pertaining to the trans experience is helpful too!

Also!

Please reblog so this gets around to people who can help!

The post was getting a little long so there's more context on what I need and where she's currently at on her learning journey below the cut!

Her current view on gender and sexuality is about as nuanced as is in 90s tv, which is to say she understands some people are gay and lesbians and bisexuals, and some men want to become women or vice versa, but that's about it.

She's been pretty resistant to learning from me, (I suspect because 1. she has a hard time having her worldview challenged by her subordinates, and 2. because I'm still fairly young, she regards most of what I say as opinion or fallible) but she's very erudite, so I think sitting down with researched, cited and peer reviewed texts written by vetted experts will be good for her, as she has a much easier time accepting new or challenging knowledge from those kinds of sources.

She's not actively hostile or anything, but she is pretty obtuse when it comes to things like neopronouns (which I use!) or micro identities, or what gender affirming care looks like.

I'm currently trying to get top surgery, and while I am an adult and don't technically need her to sign off on anything, I'm still living at home and I'd like her to be able to support me in the process. It'd also be great if she stopped using the wrong pronouns for me. It doesn't usually give me a lot of dysphoria, but it does emphasize the distance in our relationship.

Thank you for reading all of this! I greatly appreciate anything you can offer to help!

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ungodlysaltyinfrastructure · 2 months ago

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As determined by the poll.

The Iris Analysis. Uncut, since I am not revising this monster word count of an analysis.

Now with A DLC111!1!1!!11!!! (I added new thoughts :p)

[Warning, this post deals with a pretty heavy and uncomfortable topic. If you don't like mentions or implications of SA or Sexual/Romantic Manipulation, heed this warning.]

“Your eyes are so pretty and unique, I don't think I've ever seen anybody with mismatched eyes like that.”

So about Iris…

Character Analysis time !!!1!1+!+1+1

Author's Note: I heavily debated making and posting this analysis because of the topic at hand, but I want to say, this analysis helped me realize how strong of a character Iris is, and can be. The more I think about her, the more she's becoming my favorite.

We are first introduced to Iris in ep 5, "Iris" (fitting)

As Alux is done talking to the Guard and is leaving, he finds Iris being berated by two people.

"What are you doing here, freak? I thought I told you to get lost."

"Sigh, I'm just here to get my stuff for my travels, so back off.”

"Or what? You'll beat us up again? You know how that ended last time."

"Yeah, poor little Oddy ( or Oddie) ended up in jail all night. Not only is she a freak, but a criminal too.”

"Just shove off and leave me alone."

"Or what? You gonna cry?"

Pause

"Or what? You'll beat us up again? You know how that ended last time."

We know Iris is a bit of a fighter as she's defensive, but, Iris beating up people?

What for?

I know we shouldn't take the bullies by their word, but the implications of Iris getting into a fight with them is... concerning, to say the least.

I'm just worried that this "fight" may have, possibly, not been of Iris' making.

Call it a hunch, but I feel like any altercation Iris would have with the bullies would've been in self-defense. (You'll see why I think that after a few paragraphs.)

The next conversation we see Iris have is with Alux after her attackers are gone.

"Are you okay, Miss?- Ouch! What- was that for?"

"I can handle myself, you know."

"I never said you couldn't."

"Look, if you're trying to get something out of saving me, then you're mistaken.”

"I don't want anything."

"Yeah, suure... wait, are you... serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious. I just wanted to help.”

"But... why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you help me?"

"Well, you looked like you were in trouble. You needed help, so I helped!"

"But you don't even know who I am! I could be a criminal, for all you know."

"-And I still would've helped you."

"Wow. You'd be the first one.

Pause

"Look, if you're trying to get something out of saving me, then you're mistaken."

That… is a VERY concerning thing to say to a man who just defended you, for no apparent reason as you would see it, as a woman who was just being targeted and harassed.

To put it lightly, I smell trauma.

We know AR doesn't shy away from rather uncomfortable topics like Sexual Harassment and Physical Violence.

When Alux gives this kind gesture to Iris, the first thing she does is assert that she doesn't need Alux to stand up for her. That she didn't need a man to defend her. She can get by, all on her own.

Iris even assumed that the only reason Alux would even be "saving" her is to get something from or out of her. When she realizes that Alux is being genuine, she gets... confused. It's obvious that she doesn't get this kind of kindness from strangers unless they had an ulterior motive pertaining to her. Her difference in eye colors is most likely why she was and is treated differently by many people. So when she meets someone who is unbiased and non-judgmental about a person's physical appearance, it's strange to her.

Then, we get to the second portion of the conversation

"Then I'm happy to be the first. I'm Alux by the way."

"I'm Iris."

"Pleasure to meet you. Your eyes are so pretty and unique, I don't think I've ever seen anybody with mismatched eyes like that.”

"You really think so?"

"Of course!- OUCH!”

"Stop trying to sweet talk me you jerk!"

"S-sweet Talk? What does that even mean?”

"You know? 'sweet talk', 'flirting', 'being overly nice for some reason'?"

"Uhh, I'm confused..." (this is where I got the Aro Alux headcanon from ^^^^)

"So..., you're seriously just being genuine?"

"Yeah... is that a bad thing or something...?”

"No, it's... just different, that all..."

Pause

…

*Deep inhale*

Iris taking Alux's compliment on her eyes as a sight of "sweet talking/flirting" is very alarming.

The fact that she views sweet talking akin to FLIRTING is a really bad sign for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The definition of "sweet talking" is

"insincerely praise (someone) in order to persuade them to do something."

The definition of flirting is

“behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.”

Flirting can be serious and unserious depending on what the person who's flirting means.

But sweet talk under the guise of flirting is more akin to manipulation than it is flirting, as the sweet talk is used to make someone do something, while having the flirting being the reason why the person sweet talking wants you to do something. But because sweet talking is insincere praise, the flirting then becomes THE insincere praise given.

Iris thought Alux's actions of defending and complimenting her were insincere, ("stop trying to sweet talk me you jerk!") And that he was only doing it to get something from her. ("Look, if you're trying to get something out of saving me, then you're mistaken.")

Iris was so quick to assume such a thing from Alux, and was so quick to get defensive about herself and her ability to self-defend.

Remember when I said I think that the "fight" Iris had with the bullies was actually self-defense? Yea well, the reason I think that is because Iris is very vulnerable, trying to put up a tough facade. She has a target on her back and is often bullied for her uniqueness. With how snarky and vindictive the bullies act towards her, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them put their hands on her.

And here is where we get into the not so fun part of this Analysis.

Here is where I would usher you to click out of this post if you feel uncomfortable with discussions of Sexual Harassment/Assault and or Sexual/Romantic Maniputation. (When I first made this realization of Iris, it was not fun for me)

-------------------------------------------------

As I've said, AR doesn't shy away from uncomfortable topics, and is a bit of a more mature series. Fully displaying one of the many awful things some girls go through. (The Clark and Mae interaction.)

Now, I want you to understand the implications of Iris thinking sweet talking is akin to flirting, and how she thought Alux had originally wanted something out of her when he "saved" her.

…

Did you let it sit and sink in? Because when I did, I was mortified.

Iris is pretty and different and vulnerable because she's different. She may even be insecure about it. Maybe that's why she blushes when Alux compliments her on her eyes.

She's quick to snap at Alux because of her assumptions. Why would she even make the assumptions in the first place?

-----------------------------------------------

I believe that, unfortunately, at some point in her life, Iris had been taken advantage of.

She was in danger, and someone helped her. She thanked them and was about to set off until they stopped her, and started to press her. "Well, I did something for you, why don't you do something for me as repayment?"

They sweet talked her into giving in. Using her eyes as a means to make her vulnerable. Convincing her they were flirting with her. Making her believe they were interested in her. Only to leave her alone and scared.

-------------------------------------------------

It's a sad thought and realization to have. The degree of which the action was is, I feel, is for the best, to be up to interpretation. It's not nice to think about these things, but this makes Iris a very complex and deep character, and I feel that she deserves to be talked about more.

With how she persists and how confident she can be, it's clear she's grown past any harm done to her. It's just this defensiveness manifested to protect herself from any more harm similar.

(Note: This is NOT a confirmed backstory or any confirmed history about Iris. She may as well have a completely different reason for why she was so defensive and closed off at first. Maybe fake friends or a fake crush. Something a little more lighter as implications of SA or anything similar is hard to stomach.)

Ok old analysis over.

Time for thoughts.

Now that we have more Iris content, I'm actually really glad I made this. Iris’ potential abuse is very subtle and is not a focus point, and I think that was a good choice to have.

It's not a defining character trait for her. It's her light rudeness and presenting rough exterior that makes her, well, her! And that very well can be a result of her past. Another thing I didn't notice before is that she always seems to be on edge. She always has her guard up. And she's quick to act on something.

And the most interesting part about this? Later, like in this most recent ep, she doesn't know what to do with these feelings. It's like she's conflicted. She knows it's silly and nonsensical that she developed this crush so soon, but she can't help but feel this way.

And another thing is that these feelings are only seen with her.

Her possible previous experience was not ideal, and as it may have been her first or one of her first, she wouldn't have properly known what a good start to a relationship would look like. And this time with Alux, it's now her first proper time where she can fully digest these feelings.

Now, I haven't really experienced “romantic attraction” in my 15 years on this earth, but from accounts of other people, I would surmise that feelings like these are inescapable for some. Consuming you every time you look at your crush. To a point where some would go to drastic measures to satisfy any desire pertaining to the crush. (Every time girls at my school talk about relationships, it's always either about an insane guy or them doing the most out of pocket thing to get their crush to notice them) so I would assume at least that these feelings are intense, and that they're not by choice by Iris. (It's choice by the writers lol)

And it's the whole thing about the fact that the romance aspect of the series is presented through Iris. We don't see any hints of crushes or romantic endeavors from anyone else.

Ok except maybe Petro and Mark but that's doomed yaoi-

And we don't see it in Alux, we only see it in the fact that IRIS is the one who has a crush. Not Alux.

When we focus on Alux, it's more about his secret identity of being a prince, and trying to find his true self and what his past really was before returning to Cozen. Not about his love life or romantic endeavors. (He does have one or pursue any LOL)

But with the presumidly main romance arc being presented through Iris, it may be about her learning how to deal with her own feelings, others feelings, and her relationship to romantic and platonic dynamics throughout the series.

How will that turn out? I have no idea. But I doubt it will be successful with Alux. He has bigger fish to fry.

I just wanted to express my feelings and thoughts about this aspect of Iris. She is a character that is becoming more developed, like with Alux, it's just slower due to the runtime of each episode. And I found her character intriguing, so I just kept thinking about her until I couldn't. 🥴

#alux rising #favremysabre #ar iris #forget chronic petro yapper call me Iris yapper instead 💯💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥🗣🗣🗣🗣#i like breaking down characters and trying to understand them :]#ironic thing that i kind of hate English class rn cuz we're reading animal farm #and like #i like the characters :D #but George Orwell's writing can kinda...#get annoying #like it has so many obvious parralles about communism and stalin #to a point it feels like hes patranizing the reader #like a 4th grader would understand animal farm #i think i just prefer Ayn Rand Anthem more😒#it was more poetic #sorry for yapping about controversial books #i love em but i also have to remember that their written by humans too😔 and can be flawed #just like Iris!!!+1!1!11!! aha!!!!! segway!!!!!!!!#anyways media analysis is my forte and i use it on unnecessary media to analyze from an academia perspective but i don't care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#its my hyperfixation i get to choose what i do about it 🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯💯#also #gears and iris fighting for the number 1 alux fan in the alux fan club (theres only 2 people in it)#oh and this analysis in 2000 words long #💀

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nearestend · 12 days ago

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will be moving blogs at some point in the new year. not sure when exactly (i'm busy right now) and it might just be temporary, but if you're interested in following me there, you can let me know. (feel free to like this post or send me a message on disco, anything really works.)

might make some changes? a lot of it is still being considered, but here's how i think it will go. (a lot of it is just me thinking out loud. that helps me. and i also just want to be transparent.)

canons will probably be secondary priority, if not lower. still really happy to write them with friends if we have ongoing plots or discussions, but generally not eager to put them at the forefront. for a lot of reasons. (i could say that i think a lot of canons get treated as trends that will die out eventually... and it's fine if that's your thing, but i don't really like it for myself and don't want to do that. there's a whole convo to be had about that. now is not the time for it.)

i think my general rule is going to just be, if i don't see potential for developing a character in depth, i'm not going to list them on my roster. there will still be some that are more developed than others, but if there isn't at least potential for me to do that, i won't be listing them. it's just a priorities thing right now.

honestly, if we're good enough friends and i've written someone previously that you want to continue interacting with, you can ask about it. just because they aren't listed, doesn't mean i won't write them but it will just be slower. that being said, i probably won't do this unless we know each other pretty well and you're still willing to write with the ones i prioritize.

in terms if who i will/won't follow ... eh i don't like this topic but i do think i should say that there is a chance i won't follow some people back. i don't have any actual beef with anyone, but there's been some stuff over the past year that wasn't really fun to even witness from afar (most of it pertains to how ableism and racism were handled). i don't care enough to hold that against anyone in a serious way or try to have that conversation with people who aren't willing to respond constructively, but it's not especially nice to see and better not to engage. idk. my general thing is that if it's not safe and enjoyable to engage with a certain aspect of this webbed site then i'm just not going to.

there might also just be some instances where i won't follow back because i don't know if we have anything to talk about. and that's fine! i think it's okay not to click with every person you know. but i'm not going to rule anyone out entirely — it's situational and i like to give anyone who expresses interest in being friends/mutuals a chance. no hard feelings to anyone if something doesn't work out.

i probably won't advertise my new url that much just because i like a small circle, but i'm not going to hide it either. most likely just going to privately message my new url to friends who want to follow. if you come across it in the wild, you're welcome to perceive it anyways!

in terms of what my actual priorities are ... we already know that it will always be alice (number one gal). probably lozzie and noah too (she's number two and he is number three but they're kind of interchangeable). hmmm everyone else is still to be determined because they usually fluctuate. i think mostly everyone on the current oc roster will stay though. might do a thing like "permanent roster, always available" and "who knows about these guys — they're here if you want 'em but (vague gesturing)". that being said, if i added any muses specifically for a friend, i'll keep them around because that's half the fun of this for me.

will continue to prioritize disco stuff, especially if it's for longer in-depth threads with more plotting. i think that disco's platform just makes it easier/more relaxing for me. tumblr tends to be a bit harder to write very intricate plots just because i'm conscious of perfectionism here, but i don't mind it for fun casual stuff. you can always let me know your preferences, i'm pretty open-minded.

triggers will be present. unfortunately, they will always be present due to the nature of a lot of these characters. and i'll include warnings for everything, but i do want to emphasize this very much. just be aware of your own needs and comfort, i'm available for a respectful and open dialogue as needed too, but ultimately i want us to make our own choices and not feel obligated to partake in anything just for the sake of it.

well. i don't know if any of this made sense because i did not plan this out when i began this post. but that's the general / important stuff that i wanted people to be aware of before following. i'll probably do the official move soon-ish, depending on my availability, and keep you all updated when i do.

AS ALWAYS! i'm on disco. if we are friends who talk regularly (or even semi-regularly) on there, you will probably get a follow from me regardless. pretty much anyone who i currently have an active server with will get a follow from me unless they don't want one (which you're welcome to actually say, if you want. i won't be offended even if you say "nah i'm good, see ya". honestly that would be pretty funny and i hope someone does that sincerely.)

#i got like a url picked out that i rlly like #only really holding off because idk how i want to present my layout for bios yet #i'll keep the current ones up anyways for reference. but smth condensed might also be good for this blog

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directdogman · 1 year ago

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hello there dog!!! firstly, i just want too say im incredibly proud too see how far you have come, dialtown is so special too me, and for not only that game to be so loved, but also for you too be so involved in the community, is amazing keep up the great work! i do have a question, i am working on a theory pertaining to my favorite characters gingi/milton, and if i may, i have a couple questions about him specifically, if you don't mind of course :) 1. what made you come up with the design/personality of gingi?

2. what are your personal feelings/thoughts on gingi? are you satisficed with them as a character? or are there anything you wish you could change now? 3. this is a wierd one but, gingi generally does not really care what he looks like/what others think, so im really curious why hes so meticulous with making his phone/type head, and if he is so bent up about it, why not try to get someone like Oliver to make him a more proper one? instead of replacing the rotten flesh over and over

4. idk if you can answer this one, but i dont think it can hurt to try...was gingi around, before callum lost his mind?

if you cant answer this, then i have another, what flower would best represent gingi?

Milton question:

ok so....did Callum just straight up cheat on his Marla with Milt?...or am i mistaking something? what i read on the wiki says that milton and Callum had a romantic...fling?

2. did norm know milt? where they friends?

3. does mingus know at least some of the extent of miltons involvement with callum?

4. are there any plans with milton? he seems like such a cool character with crazy potential

that's my questions done, again thank you if you answer! and if not, thank you for making a truly special game, cant wait too see more gingi and dialtown in the future

1)Design for Gingi was primarily based on Frankenstein's aesthetic applied to a the chupacabra. Personality was largely ripped from quite a few unpublished stories/ideas I had before making DT. There's a few protagonists in other things I'd written as potential new game/story ideas that are eerily like Gingi.

2)I'm really really happy with Gingi as a character and I wouldn't change anything that I've established. I like how Gingi starts the game and changes by the end because it's pretty vast, but also not a complete change (and it happens very very gradually.)

TBH, outside of Gingi's interactions in DT, the fandom doesn't really know anything concrete about Gingi due to Gingi's poor memory. Until Gingi formed real human relationships, there was nothing to anchor to, just fragmented and barely remembered individual interactions. Honestly, the bigger picture is really interesting and I'm very happy with Gingi as a protagonist and I'd love to make sequels to DT as I've had concrete ideas for where the character would get up to in potential sequels for years now!

3)Gingi's flesh-head is a bit of a mystery. Gingi doesn't have the same adverse reaction to rotting things that most people do, but does have a general chip in its shoulder about being judged as lesser by others. Gingi (generally) does not make efforts to change its appearance to be seen as less repulsive by others, as we can plainly see from the fact Gingi often forgets (or refuses) to wear clothes.

4)I have all the main character date of births written down, so I could tell you Gingi's exact age... but it's more fun if I don't.

FOR MILT:

1)I'm not really sure why the wiki says that. There's no canon materials that state that Crown + Milt had an affair together. I think someone just read between the lines and stated their hunch as a fact.

2)Norm and Milt met but didn't know each other well. There was a cut mention of Milt in Norm's dialogue, but after a lot of head-scratching, felt the topic was too forced. Norm wouldn't have volunteered the information unless it was relevant to the scene and Gingi would not have asked.

3)Mingus knows about Milt, though not intimately. The only person alive during Mingus' lifetime who could've talked about Milt to her was her grandmother Marla, who was a husk of a person for Mingus' whole life (and in particular, talking about Milt would've hurt too much for her given their closeness.) Mingus knows about Milt from her obsessive study of her paw paw's presidency, but not much more than any historian/social studies teacher would. A lot of information I'd consider very important about Milt was never put to paper.

4)I'm not 100% sure why the fandom likes him as much as they do, given how little of him the fandom has seen (and how little information there is about him out there so far.) I just wanted a few references to him included in canon so I could potentially reveal more about him one day without fans wondering how this SUPER important character had never been mentioned. It's incredibly likely that I'll show more of Milt in future DT stuff due to how instrumental he was in Crown's decision-making + rise to power. There would be no practical way to expand on Crown without discussing Milt more.

There's a much bigger picture that the fandom hasn't seen much of that Milt is very important to, though it isn't often relevant to the modern day events of DT. Understanding Milt isn't important to understand DT itself, but is to understand both Crown and exactly how the world (and by extension, Dialtown itself) ended up exactly the way it did. And with time, I will discuss that some more.

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yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt · 2 months ago

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I'd like to discuss with my fellow (18+) writers, specifically in regards to AO3s tagging system, proshipping, and the handling of serious topics in fanfic/writing

CW: discussions of potentially triggering topics including rape, csa, and the romanticization/eroticization thereof, particularly how it pertains to handling these topics in writing

So has anyone else encountered this problem? I personally am open to reading works that contain reference to or depictions of extremely distressing content, such as rape or SA, because these things happen in real life and to ban them from literature would be censorship at best and trauma erasure at worst. HOWEVER, what I don't appreciate is there is no difference in the AO3 warning tag for rape/SA that is portrayed rightfully as an awful and traumatic thing, to tell a story or show a character's backstory/trauma, and rape being portrayed as oh-so-sexy hot and awesome. The latter is extremely upsetting and triggering for me, the former can lead to interesting, cathartic and insightful reading. But it's a gamble, and 9 times out of 10 the rape portrayed is something the reader is meant to whack off to. I hate it. The worst is when you see something tagged "Blorbo/Scrimbly" with the rape/SA warning tag, and like a fool you think "oh it's a shipping fic that dives into Scrimbly's past trauma" only to be affronted with your beloved comfort ship RAPING EACH OTHER

It's at the point where even though I want to write stories that address sexual trauma, I don't post it because I don't want to use a tag that is populated primarily with rape fetishists, but I don't want to fail to trigger tag the content either. I don't want people to visit my works on AO3, see a fic with that tag, and reasonably assume based on 90% of other fics with that tag that I'm a sick freak who thinks rape is sexy. I really feel like there should be different tags, one for "depictions of traumatic SA" and one for "Disgusting jerk off material for rape fetishists" (I guess it could be worded less crass, I don't care. I just wish the distinction exists because the difference is so large)

Furthermore while I am not an anti because antis are fucking annoying ("NoOoO your fictional ship does not stand up to strict moral real life standards because Shitto said something mean to Blorbo in chapter 6, therefore you're a terrible person" type ass) I am very tired of proshipper discourse on my dash because it has the same reek as those Internet Muskrat fascists who are always going on about "muh free speech!!!!." While usually on completely different sides of the political spectrum, both of these groups fail to understand that freedom of speech does not equal freedom from social consequence, it only means freedom from LEGAL consequences. It does not mean that nobody is ever allowed to rightfully spit at you and call you a disgusting freak because you are. You have a right to be a disgusting freak, nobody should question that, and I think antis who actively try to get content creators punished or reported for real crimes are in the wrong, but I am still going to judge you. I'm still going to criticize you and explain how and why I believe what you create is harmful, and that doesn't actually make me a fascist without media literacy. I would argue that the person who is a fascist without media literacy is a person who thinks that nobody should be allowed to judge or criticize anything they do, and that media has absolutely zero effect on the real world (which is a fucking insane thing to believe. You only need to read like one book to understand that)

Anyway, has anyone else encountered these issues and how do you deal with it? I'm at a loss. It makes it feel impossible to discuss dark topics in a serious and respectful way, which I want to do, because I DON'T want all the representation of these issues to be nasty fet content, but I don't know the safest or best way to do it.

#writing #fanfic #fanfic writing #ao3 #ao3 tags #cw rape mention #cw proshipping mention

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archivalofsins · 5 months ago

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This is going to be out of the blue to just post but I want to say something on it without going into too much detail.

(TW: Suicide, Suicide ideation)

Most people don't care about suicide or suicide ideation. Like legitimately they don't care. It has become such a common point of conflict in fiction that the best one will get in real life is a "I'm sorry you feel that way" or someone claiming that the person saying it is lying, faking, just being dramatic.

At worse a person will tell someone else to do it as an attempt to call them on their bluff.

These are all literal responses I have received to this issue not hyperbole by the way. So, it was funny to me when people took Haruka's threat made at himself in order to leverage the affection people felt towards him for personal gain seriously. Because it continues to highlight the fact that the only time people can take suicide seriously is when the topic is being discussed in a work of fiction.

Yet, in real life people are more than willing to ignore and dismiss issues pertaining to it. Another example I had someone literally tell me that they wouldn't really be concerned unless I wrote a suicide note because unless it gets that far it's not that serious it's just talk. That's how common it is for people to just use suicide ideation and the concept of it as a threat with no intention of following through. It's to the point that people will just go,

"Oh you're depressed well I'll worry like the second before you're going to do something about it."

This is what makes Haruka's threat difficult and aggravating for me to discuss personally as well. Because to me it's clear that he doesn't have the desire to do what he said he would. Plus, people can find it in their hearts to give this sort of attention and worry to a fictional character but if you call a suicide prevention hotline in the US they can just hang up on you. They did this to my friend like three times. That's how dismissed this is. Someone will tell me,

"Call the suicide prevention hotline."

Then I'll have to go no I don't think I want to be degraded and blamed for my circumstances over the phone then hung up on. I'd rather literally do anything else. I could go buy a cake and that would be more beneficial to my mental health than doing what was just suggested.

The contrast between how people treat the idea of suicide in fiction versus those struggling with suicide ideation in reality is really disgusting actually.

It bothers me a great deal. Because it's been used as a plot point in fiction to the extent that no one knows how to handle it in real life. The concept has been so fictionalized that it's become this outlandish situation. So much so that well meaning people think oh that sort of thing only happens in stories, we all talk about it from time to time but no one is serious. Because,

"I'm never serious when I say that. So, this person can't be either."

This leads to people who do struggle with this genuinely to more likely be treated like liars or as though they're just being dramatic. So, that threat and how it was received really annoyed me on a personal level.

Yet no one really talks about how that aspect of the story was done and illustrated. I haven't really seen anyone saying Milgram kind of treats this topic as a way to raise the stakes for shock value instead with the seriousness it deserves. Honestly it's a really human response overall and I'm not trying to say it was bad of the team to add and explore the concept.

However, the lack of questioning at its inclusion to me does serve to highlight a reoccurring bias when it comes to heavy topics in fiction in contrast to how those same issues are regarded in reality.

In the real world when conversations around suicide arise- Do people keep the same energy they're willing to extend to a fictional life? Do they show the same concern and consideration to the people they claim to love? Or do they dismiss it, do they get offended, do they disbelieve it and shut down, or just run away?

Based on my experiences I would say that most people don't handle the topic with the same severity when presented with it in their own lives. This is something Yamanaka touches on in Caligula Effect Overdose with Shogo's story. A guy who literally could have done anything but decided to do nothing while a person close to him made it abundantly clear that they were going to commit suicide. Even going to the point of asking Shogo to do it with them.

Giving him the time and place they'd do it at.

Then instead of telling someone or going to stop them. He just does nothing actually doesn't do a damn thing. He just runs home really and prays they don't do it I guess. Hopes this is just them being dramatic again. It wasn't just them being dramatic again and he regrets not doing anything deeply. So it's not as though Yamanaka is unaware of how people tend to respond to suicide ideation with dismissiveness and denial.

Or how people respond to wrongs in general with dismissiveness and denial. Even when there is something they can do about it by just speaking up. That's shown again with the guard in the first Milgram novel. The entire first novel highlights how complacent the every day person is with being a bystander. How okay people are with others getting hurt as long as they can say they didn't do anything themselves.

As long as their hands are still clean.

He then highlights this again with Mu who states in her second voice drama that she never did any of the bullying herself. Even going as far as to have Es go,

"Yeah you just had others do it for you."

Again what makes you less culpable- Does it matter if you didn't do it with your own hands if you wanted it to happen and instigated it?

Then the fanbase itself is really hypocritical about suicide as a whole. Saying that what Mahiru did was less bad than everyone else simply because her victim might have killed themselves- Then turning around and going we have to vote Mu Innocent so Haruka doesn't kill himself. Like what the actual fuck why does that matter? Especially when half of the people here are debating that if the prisoner's victims killed themselves that makes them less responsible overall and not murderers.

Yet as soon as the same logic is used for a character one likes suddenly if Haruka dies those who voted Mu guilty are to blame. Nobody forced him to make that threat. That's a choice he made. If he doesn't want to commit to it he's within his right not to. Also that would mean everyone here who was given the convenient excuse of not directly killing their victim because instead their victims committed suicide are also still responsible for that. Regardless of whether they directly got their hands dirty or not.

Because pushing someone to the point where they think killing themselves is the only solution will always be a bad thing. Especially when some make it clear in their videos that it was their intent to do this.

Like Mu with the fucking board,

Hanging or stabbed?? Which will it be~

Since people don't really seem to take suicide that seriously or even consider that vulnerable individuals can be manipulated into taking their own lives at all- It's unsurprising to see it being treated as smaller than what other prisoners have done.

Luckily in this case legally some parts of the US (law on this varies on a state level) have deemed causing someone or encouraging them to commit suicide comparable to murder.

Then there's this entire well known case in the states which is summarized beneath if you don't want to watch the video,

"In addition to these laws, in a high-profile Massachusetts case involving encouraging suicide through text messages, a teen girl was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter as a youthful offender in connection with her boyfriend’s suicide. As summarized in the state court decision upholding her conviction, in a series of text messages with her boyfriend, “the defendant encouraged the victim to kill himself, instructed him as to when and how he should kill himself, assuaged his concerns over killing himself, and chastised him when he delayed doing so.” She was found guilty under the legal theory that her actions amounted to “wanton or reckless conduct” which caused the victim’s death (Commonwealth v. Carter, 474 Mass. 624 (2016)). She later sought review in the U.S. Supreme Court, alleging that her conviction violated her First Amendment rights, but the Court declined to hear her appeal (U.S. Supreme Court orders, January 13, 2020, page 4). Earlier this year, she was released from prison, having served part of her 15-month sentence and earning time off her sentence for good behavior."

I'm inclined to agree with the decision some states have made to consider doing things like this a crime comparable to man slaughter and first degree murder. I had to watch that case unfold and hear the texts about it. It was used as a reason to more heavily monitor texts of children and crack down on communicating online which wasn't a concern of mine because I barely used the internet socially. Yet, still this case could not be escaped. Everyone was discussing it for one reason or another.

However, in most cases the person doing this can be proven to have the active intent to end someone else's life albeit in a very indirect way.

Also asking, "Are you still alive?" doesn't look that good when you have this context. As it can come off as hurry up, when are you going to do it- Instead of a question of genuine concern.

Just throwing that out there-

23/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: Haruka-kun, I brought your food. Are you still alive? Has any mould started growing?

Haruka: ……ah, thank you very much. Mu-san. Sorry, um…… I……

Mu: You shouldn’t just lock yourself in your room all day. You have to eat your food properly. Hm, well…… I do understand why you’re feeling down. It feels bad. The atmosphere recently

Haruka: Um, I’m totally fine…… Just a bit, I’m thinking, about how to do it. What to do, what to do, to…… fulfil my promise. For Mu-san’s sake……

Then given the fact Haruka responds to her questions with first apologizing and then stating he's still trying to figure out how to do it. Does not make this come off any better than it already did.

Also in the US threatening suicide or harm to oneself in order to obtain something such as in,

"If you don't x then I'm going to commit suicide."

Is a well known form of manipulation and emotional abuse predominantly exploited in domestic violence situations. How are some people not understanding something that South Park was able to display. I guess that's just how little people care about this topic outside of personal entertainment reasons.

That's all I can guess at this point given my experiences. But yeah this one has been bothering me for a good while actually. For obvious reasons. It's just so dismissive of a real problem and Mu blatantly admits she is the type to downplay this serious issue in both her first and second song,

"Just one more time before saying goodbye- I’m just kidding, please forget I said that." -

She presents herself as being suicidal while having a joke about her victim committing suicide on the board and on her victim's desk. Because putting flowers on a persons desk over there is a way of telling the person to kill themselves.

"Thanks for all the fun times we’ve had! The flowers are a present for you!"

"Why won’t you stop hurting me?"

"I am relieved, I am always the drama queen."

Yeah this definitely isn't the behavior of someone who claims to care about mental health and bullying only when it serves them at all. She's only displayed making fun of suicide multiple times in one song guys. Oh and then she completely weaponizes Haruka's suicide threat in her voice drama as soon as Es says they may change her verdict based on what they find out here,

I sure have understood that talking to you isn't getting me anywhere. But I guess I'll take your little explanation into consideration.

"Ah- But if you don't forgive me Haruka-kun will die, so I think it'd be best to not do that."

...!

Then goes on to absolve herself of anything to do with Haruka's decision as soon as Es asks why she's not doing anything to stop him despite knowing this.

So you've heard about that nonsense, too?

"Mhm! Haruka-kun told me. So I could rest easy, according to him. That made me happy... It made me really feel our friendship!"

You know about it and you're not trying to stop him? Haruka that is?

"Why would I? Haruka-kun says that's what he wants, so there's nothing I can do, right?"

But you're calling him your friend.

"Isn't it exactly because he's my friend? Isn't friendship about letting your friends do the stuff they want?"

...

"Are you planning to tell me that's not what friendship is? Then what is it then? It's about sticking together because it's beneficial for everyone involved, isn't it?"

I don't think Haruka is benefitting from that at all.

"No way... It's not like you'd know what's good for him."

... You sure are tough to beat.

"I really don't get what it is you're trying to say, warden-san. Haruka-kun is free to decide what he wants, and I'm not doing anything wrong. It's not like I asked him to do that!"

It is kind of funny that she's like it's not like I asked him to do that and Haruka's out here like to fulfill the promise I made with Mu. Something that heavily implies they did have a conversation about this and made some sort of deal on it but I'm digressing.

Well, that's it she can't stop Haruka. Because it's his choice. It's what he wants to do and she's just supporting him. Just going in making sure he eats and being helpful. It's not Mu's fault if anything happens to Haruka it's not like she forced him to do anything. In the same vein that the audiences verdict didn't force him to do anything.

Haruka put that stipulation all on himself.

Nobody forced or manipulated him into making that decision it was a conclusion he came to himself. A threat he decided to make and a deal like any other deal a prisoner has tried to make with the guards. Nothing we can do about it he just has to lie in the bed he made.

Nobody told him to make it that way but he did.

The only one who can decide what to do for him is him. Unless a lot of people want to get real uncomfortable and start discussing how they not only treat suicide in media but in real life. Though that would require thinking and you know what Mu says about that,

"Anyway... I think you would do good to forgive me. Then Haruka-kun will be safe, too. Ah, actually, couldn't you just forgive everyone? Then Kotoko-san won't run amok and you won't have to think about all the difficult stuff. "

...That is...a very enticing proposal.

"Right? Hah, hehehe."

Abandoning all thinking... How nice it would be if I could just do that.

"...If you ask me I don't really get why you don't do it..."

If you don't think about all the difficult stuff life gets a lot easier. It's not as messy and you don't have to reckon with all the manipulative things people are capable of. Just don't think and it'll work out.

It's easy to think of suicide ideation and the concept of suicide itself in such a black and white way. As someone else's choice and not a byproduct of their environment or current life circumstances weighing on them. If it's just a personal choice that no one can ever be manipulated into then so many cases in Milgram become cleaner.

I just think it's funny how that stops being a personal choice as soon as it can impact a character that one likes. Even if that character choose to threaten themselves very openly. But again I guess to a lot of people like Haruka and Mu, believe suicide only matter as much as one can weaponize it to get something they want.

Any other time it's not even worth the stress. So, why think that hard about it?

#tw suicide ideation #tw suicide mention

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