#I'm trying hhhhh
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Sneakpeek for the next page because life is beating my ass o(-(
#doodle#fanart#dead boy detectives#sketch#wip#charles rowland#edwin payne#payneland#unfinished comic panel#I'm trying hhhhh
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I have lost the path before me, the one behind will lead me
#Twisted wonderland#Rollo flamme#twst rollo#desperately trying to swim out of the “I'm worthless” goop keepibg me down hhhhh Rolloposting always help#lyrics from Ghost love score by nightwish !#Autumn really does nerf me but I managed to find a few more pieces for my classical x twst project !
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inner nightmare scenes showing Blitzø worries every time his team goes on missions. showing he genuinely cares for his crew and remembers all the times Millie was close to dying.
#( my edits. )#𐂃「ᴀɢᴇɴᴅᴀ ꜱʜɪᴛ」|| ＆＆. * 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧.#( when do we get Moxxie's version???#dlkjgslk#ALSO I JUST NOTICED MILLIE'S ARM ON HARVEST MOON#STRIKER FRACTURED HER FUCKN ARM#I'M SCREAMIN G )#( anywhore; im trying to get errands done#i'll reply to stuff when i get the chance#including priv messages which im really behind on hhhHH )
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.....okay, since I can't attach the porn to any existing plot, I have to attach the plot to the porn instead
#hype me up I'm gonna do something my 16-year-old self already did#and try not to be mortified about it#but I just HHHHH I need more service top/doms Bail and Breha in my life#and it seems I gotta write it myself#so uh. wish me luck lmao#wip diaries#bail/breha/fox#nsfw-ish
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*quietly crawls out of my pit*
ohhh hiii hello i'm alive by the way
#im sorry for disappearing i really am#i just got overwhelmed from work and school and hHHHH#i literally have barely been drawing these past few months because. no time#but i'm trying to work on a little something right now because art is my heart and soul and i want to create stuff again#i also have a long weekend (for the first time in months) so. time to draw#still into rdr btw...
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Chilling.
#senju tobirama#uchiha kagami#Trying to power through illness hhhhh I'm not doing good#watch me and my fail art
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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Oh fuck me fuckme fuck me
#I'm going to start killing people#I need SLEEPY TYLENOL NOWWWWWWW#Mfer laying in bed for 8 hours full awake 🫠 eyes shut. Brain. ACTIVE#IM TRYING SO HARD TO SLEEP JUST BE UNCONSCIOUS#Too late now#Fuck me I have to be aware enough to not kill everybody in this vehicle#Mfing murder nightmare too what the fuck#Set the scene: YouTuber wedding#The man in charge of filming is an asshole to the minimum wage people working there#Like real mean. And one meek guy tries to tell the groom but the groom is kinda a dismissive asshole about it bc he's already paid the guy#So it's too late now. Meek guy keeps getting disrespected and storms out to the parking lot to just leave#Woman who has been witnessing this apparently is gonna kill on meek guys behalf. He does not want this#Woman gets into a fucked up death machine car and drives it into the groom#But not like. Runs him over. There's a fucking saw blade on the front that starts cutting through the bottom of his torso#He was screaming a lot. I'm not sure if he survived or not. But the atmosphere was not fun#Very muddy desaturated colors. Very wet and musty feeling. It was like almost a parking garage#I don't think I'll ever have a dream as scary as the um time-looping cannibal beach dream#But this was just the delightful cherry of not being able to sleep at fucking. ALL .#Literally cried I'm so distressed about not being able to control anything about myself rn#Hhhhh :(((#3rd night in a row I've slept like shit
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..
#hi back for now bc it's fall break and I'm stuck on campus#trying not to complain about it but I've been having stomach issues for at least the past couple of weeks#it's been acting up since I got here but the past few weeks and specifically the past few days it's become a lot more intense#I made an appointment with the medical clinic here on campus and they're treating me with something for a possible stomach ulcer right now#I have a follow-up in a couple of weeks#I'm struggling to keep on top of all my thoughts and feelings and emotions right now too#which may be causing or compounding the stomach issues. honestly who knows.#all I know for sure rn is that I feel very tired and worn out despite it being fall break#and I wish I didn't feel this way#kinda sad and very tired#it's a perfect opportunity to catch up on school work that I've fallen behind on. and yet I feel completely unable to even think#about school. hhhhh. 🙃#it's been such a hard year guys. and I don't want to complain or wallow but I wish I could just break down have a good cry#or a screaming fit if needed#just get it all out#and then maybe I'd be able to cope a little better#unfortunately I'm not sure that's how it works. so I guess I'm stuck feeling like this for now.
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VUXisms (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Or if you prefer my very Normal Collection of ZEX stimming lol#I'm not choosing to read alien behaviours through a neurodivergent lense you can't prove anything#Okay you got me yes I am lol - in conjunction with my ADHD Max HC (which I am only more convinced of lol) I went into this with#Really any kind of self-soothing behaviour fascinates me :D And ZEX definitely needs the soothing ;;#But it's not just the stimming! Though I did keep pretty diligent notes about that lol he's deeply interesting to me!#He's a texture person! Part of that is due to being VUX and having very processed food but if it fits it fits!#I'm also a texture person - again I have too many notes relating to ZEX lol#I also find it charming (or sad - whichever is applicable at the time!) when ZEX eats in ''odd'' ways haha ♪#Eating without utensils - you can always just wash your hands you do you <3#The weighted blanket lol so - I had a very normal and measured reaction to ZEX enjoying full-body pressure lol#Solely and purely intellectual! Of course! VUX enjoy swimming! Full-body pressure makes complete sense!#And he's a tactile person on top of that - pressure good for multiple reasons! I really do think he'd sleep better with a weighted blanket ♪#Back to stimming! I really loved the scene of him opening the water bottle and his therapist being So Impatient with him about it lol#Let him figure it out! He's very intelligent! Very skilled at finding weak points and exploiting them hehe <3#But then he runs his finger on the lip of the bottle! Wine-glassing it while he talks hehe <3 I love him#Humming!! Another stim I relate to! Not so much now since it was ''encouraged'' out of me so I may be doubly biased towards him using it hee#Too delighted to focus on utensil lessons and yet he's still clever enough to pay attention to multiple things at once hehehe ♫#And then aside from his actual biggest stim he plays with his hair quite a lot - in various ways and to different ends :D#Running his hands through it to self-soothe or tugging on it to express - I kinda read it as him trying to move his head feelers around haha#Not quite the same but something!#Oh and then his biggest stim - just looking at humans lol it is very dopamine-delivering <3 And he has dopamine now! Very powerful :3c#Hhhhh human chemistry for VUX behaviours <3 It's so interesting to me hehe ♪
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Trying to rank is painful
#I'm trying to see if ranking would give me the mystery redeem code#hhhhh#egg.img#nikkiverse#shining nikki#sn
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:)
#project: coming soon!#please be patient I've been so exhausted from work#and struggling w mental issues#I'm really trying to pump this out but I can only do so much with so little time and energy and motivation#doesn't help that I feel like I doubt people will read it since it doesn't have ANY aiyuu in it....#just shibarisa and a bit of keikaren...#but I'm putting my heart and soul into this so...maybe....#I'm HOPING to get it out within a few days. by next week at the latest.#but ig we'll see how bad my work will be huh. the weekend is pretty intense there....#in fact? I don't write on saturdays Bc of how bad it gets on the weekend.#and I've been getting out quite late on Saturdays...hhhhh#but I promise I'm working through the depression and busy work life to get this fic out that way I can get other smaller fics#and other bigger projects out
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I can't find the post I got this from, but GODS, do I want to send this to someone so badly
#wanda wonders#it's more. What if they don't actually feel the same#it's probably me getting into my head#because I was like 'I'm os fucking stressed'#and he sent me cute images to try and help the best he can#but HHHHH#explodes#I WANNA BE SWEET AS WELL
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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i've been struggling w/ my mental health really bad so just a minute heads up for all my blogs being wonky activity. i feel bad bc i wanna write but i don't wanna force it if i can avoid that.
#🃏 ℳᵃᵍᶤᵏᵃᶻᵃᵐ ━ ( ooc )#// i know i don't need to apologise but realier today had someone guilt trip me bc i've been struggling#// like i'm sorry???? if i could fix this i would but it's a big reason i can't work hhhhh#// i'm trying to work on it and stuff. if you're a moot & want my dis/co/rd feel free to ask me#// just know if i am slow to reply it's bc of the mental health stuff#// i wanna be goofy silly magilou or my stoic sad moon boy but i've been going through it#// i'm sorry i know i do't need to say it but i feel i need to#// so yeah sorry#🃏 ℳᵃᵍᶤᵏᵃᶻᵃᵐ ━ ( tbd )
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blaming my lack of focus on the fact that mercury is in retrograde.
#—ooc#it's just easier to blame celestial bodies for my issues ykno#i'm trying so hard to update 1 mod and im just hhHhh
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