#I'm the same person who started this journey I'm just better at coping with my emotions and anxiety

[theanonymousbooks]

It's amazing how oft times healing doesn't change who you are, but helps you like who are better.

[flightfoot]

Any fic recs of Adrien dealing with the fallout of finding out his dad is hawkmoth?

Oh yeah, this is a popular plotline and tends to lead to some great fics!

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Bubblegum Soul by @wehadabondingmoment

"The impulse to throw away his ring, to slam it on the ground and watch its metallic splinters chap away at his soul, got more tempting by the second. Maybe, for a moment, he would learn what it meant to be alive." (Or: Hawk Moth has been defeated and Adrien is suffering more than ever. Armed with unhealthy coping mechanisms and the knowledge that he apparently isn't human, he embarks on a journey of self-discovery.) (Except that his father isn't quite ready to give up just yet.)

Poor Adrien. His father's defeated, but that doesn't mean that he's alright. Dealing with finding out that he's a sentimonster via his father attempting to order him around... that's harsh.

And it doesn't help that while he gets one ring back pretty quickly, he doesn't realize that he has a second amok...

If you like angsty sentiadrien fic, this'll be right up your alley! It's M-rated, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because Adrien's just kind of in a bad headspace?

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Disintegrated Pancakes by @scribeofrhapsody

Adrien had started expecting the family breakfasts. He had NOT been expecting his father to collapse in the middle of one.

I’m shocked I haven’t seen more of this sort of thing, with Adrien finding out his father’s Monarch via seeing the Cataclysm wound. I love that Alya gets involved in this, being the person Adrien runs into after fleeing the room, and then Adrien getting to talk things out with Gabriel and Nathalie. Thankfully Gabriel is at least not completely incapable of being reasoned with here, or things could have gone worse than they did. It’s a nice little read, though with an ambiguous ending (at least at the time when I write this).

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all of your flaws and all of my flaws (are laid out one-by-one) by @coffeebanana

Ladybug and Marinette have both been acting strangely since Monarch’s defeat, and Chat Noir would give anything to know why—to be able to help them. He just…didn’t expect his answers to come when Ladybug drags him to his father’s statue in the middle of the night along with a bag full of spray paint.

If you felt unsatisfied with Adrien being left in the dark about Monarch, with Ladybug lying about Gabriel being a hero, this is a great fic to read. Marinette’s breaking down keeping this secret, seeing people treat Gabriel as the hero she told people he was, until she finally snaps and has to do SOMETHING, has to tell SOMEONE the truth. 

Which Chat takes pretty well! He knows how persuasive his father could be, and he’s mostly just relieved at finally hearing someone say that Gabriel wasn’t a hero. It’s still a lot to cope with though.

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Of Crisp Days and Crispier Cakes by @scribeofrhapsody

Gabriel wants to not be sick. Adrien wants to make a cake. Nathalie wants a chill birthday. Maybe they can help each other. Maybe it’ll be a disaster.

So this starts off as just the cute fluff fic of Adrien and Gabriel attempting to make Nathalie a birthday cake that the summary indicates, but soon evolves into a more action-filled drama fic when Gabriel makes the terrible decision to akumatize a cashier while sick… a cashier who happens to be in the same shop as Nathalie and Adrien. Who are willing to put their secret identities at risk in order to save each other.

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After Irritation Do Us Start by @scribeofrhapsody

It was the most difficult decision of his life, but Gabriel did it. He let go of Hawk Moth. He moved on from Emilie. Now, all he wants is to enjoy life with his son and new wife. Unfortunately, a certain nephew of his seems to be determined to unearth what Gabriel needs to remain buried.

I love this look at what could have happened if during the season 3 finale, Gabriel had decided enough was enough and given up on being a supervillain, moving on with Nathalie instead. How much better things could have been if he’d just decided to stop - though Adrien still wouldn’t be happy to discover why Hawk Moth had suddenly stopped attacking.

Oh yeah, there’s an OC here called Gerald who Adrien’s puzzled by, since he’d never heard of this guy before the past year. At the end of the story you find out why he’s included in the story. It’s not a major thing, but it is kind of funny and fits well with the rest of the story.

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Family by @unecoccinellenoire

“You know,” Nino grins, “if you need advice on being a big brother in a year or two I’m sure I could help.” The bottom of Adrien’s stomach dropped out. — Adrien struggles with the concept of his father and Nathalie having children.

So this is a world where Adrien and Marinette managed to defeat Gabriel, taking his Miraculous, with them giving him an ultimatum: they won’t out him as being Hawk Moth so long as he doesn’t cause any more trouble and does right by Adrien. Gabriel does, in fact, move on finally to Nathalie, giving Adrien a lot of mixed feelings to deal with. He still loves them both despite everything, but he’s also angry at them and he definitely does NOT want them to have children, both because he thinks they’d like any biological child they had more (he’s also harboring guilt from indirectly being the cause of his mom’s death), and because frankly, they screwed up too much with Adrien for him to want them to inflict that on another child.

And then there’s also Adrien dealing with the realization that he’s a Senti on top of that and wondering why he and Felix look the way they do, what Emilie’s reasons were.

It’s mostly just Adrien getting to talk things out, navigating this emotionally fraught situation he finds himself in now that the dust is settled.

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and I thought I heard you sing by @into-september

When Hawkmoth has been defeated and unmasked, Marinette is left with two problems and no solutions. First, that Adrien is further out of her reach than ever before, and no-one can tell her how to get to him. Second, that Cat Noir is far more troubled than she knew, and the only thing she can do is wait for him at the place they agreed to meet.

It’s your classic “Hawkmoth’s defeated and taken into custody but that means Adrien’s in for a rough time” sort of fic. Everyone’s worried about Adrien and wants to give him what comfort and support that they can, but he’s being hidden away from everyone (which I mean, honestly that’s a good move), so that’s not really possible. Plus, Ladybug’s noticed that Chat’s having a tough time in his civilian life, which worries her.

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If only I could break free by megetstoread

It started with Adrien being upset about going away, but led to a lot of revelations.  

Another Sentiadrien fic here! After telling Adrien that he’s being sent to London, Gabriel takes advantage of Adrien being distraught to akumatize him. Luckily Ladybug’s right there and deakumatizes him before he can even do anything, but it shakes both her and Chat, leading to her allowing him to tell her a lot more about his home life than usual, and for her and Adrien to investigate to see whether there might be more to Adrien’s inability to stand against his father than just psychological abuse.

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The Parable of the Caller by @nemaliwrites

A week after Hawk Moth’s identity has been revealed, Adrien finds himself with nowhere to go, nothing he can do, and worst of all, strange gaps in his memory he can’t explain. In a stroke of luck, he stumbles upon a burner phone filled with voicemails from one of the Saviors of Paris: Chat Noir himself, who disappeared following Hawk Moth’s arrest.

But with each new voicemail Adrien listens to, he’s forced to confront the fact that there might be some kind of connection between himself and Chat Noir — and discovering it might leave him more broken than before.

I absolutely adore this fic, it’s a fantastic character study for Adrien! Basically in this universe, Ladybug and Chat Noir talked about who should be Guardian, with Chat eventually convincing her that he should be the one to take it on, primarily due to the whole “the Guardian gets amnesia about Miraculous-related matters” situation, and wanting to protect Ladybug from that. Then he finds out Gabriel is Hawk Moth, they take him down, and he relinquishes the Miracle Box and his guardianship to Su Han - all without having a Reveal with Ladybug, since well, he’s not in the greatest shape mentally at the time.

It’s a real treat to see Adrien’s thoughts and feelings about one of the Heroes of Paris leaving him all these voicemails, treating him like this close friend for reasons he doesn’t understand, and just seeing Chat Noir as this outside person. He’s got a very different viewpoint on Chat when looking from the outside than he would from the inside, with being able to see his heroic and good qualities far more easily when he doesn’t know that he is Chat.

Also Marinette’s struggling in the background of the fic with the loss of her partner and guilt over sending Adrien’s father to prison. It gets touched on at various points, and you can tell that she’s having her own story off to the side that we’re just not entirely privy to, what with this tale being told entirely from Adrien’s perspective.

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drowning (in plain sight) by @buggachat

Everybody had expected Monarch's defeat to be a moment of triumph. Nobody had expected Gabriel Agreste, unmasked and mind frayed from continual abuse of the miraculous, crying out to all who would listen and making Paris certain of one thing:

His son, Adrien Agreste, is one of his sentimonsters.

And now he's missing.

Nobody can find him— not even the superheroes, and not even his closest friends. But Marinette, Nino, and Alya aren't ones to give up so easily. They'll find him, no matter what it takes.

(But, geez, would it kill Chat Noir to lend a hand?)

I’m sure everyone saw this one coming. If there’s one thing buggachat’s good at, storywise, it’s capturing raw, tumultuous emotions, frantic breakdowns as the characters desperately try to navigate bad situations. This was a real treat to read, as I’m betting most people reading this will agree, given just how popular the fic has been. It also has a ton of fanart, both by buggachat and by random fans, if you go looking for it (there’s a drowning in plain sight tag which I’d advise perusing). 

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Not a Monster at All by @book-sandwich

Adrien Agreste overhears a conversation he shouldn't, and a revelation sends him falling onto the terrace of the only person he can trust: his good friend (?) Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Takes place sometime after the first two episodes of season 5!

As you can probably guess from the title, this is a Sentimonster Adrien, Monarch takedown fic. Adrien’s going through a tough time, and Marinette’s just trying to be there for him as his whole world’s collapsing around him. Unfrotunately, they still don’t know what the object is, or how likely Gabriel would be to control Adrien if he hinted that he knew the truth, which leaves Adrien in a precarious position - still not having done an identity reveal doesn’t help matters.

It’s a really solid fic for the genre, though since it started up before the later parts of season 5, there are a few things that don’t match up with the canon information we obtained later on. 

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Under Oath by @eoscenes

In the aftermath of Hawk Moth's defeat, Ladybug finds her heart torn between her schoolgirl crush and her superhero partner ― who returns, after an unexplained hiatus, more irresistible than ever.

⋆☆⋆

Gabriel Agreste is unmasked, and Paris rises up in the aftermath.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng must weather Paris' anxious protesters, ravenous reporters, a scattered team of judiciary investigators, and her conflicting feelings for two different boys. In the eye of this storm is the elusive Adrien Agreste, the primary witness in his own father's trial, who might just hold the secret to finding the Peacock Miraculous.

(If only she wasn't in love with him.)

Meanwhile, locked away in Le Grand Paris hotel, Adrien grapples with his responsibilities to a city that can't decide if it hates or loves him. Keeping his daytime persona and Chat Noir separate entities becomes even harder when Ladybug, whom he has finally decided to get over, starts visiting him at night, determined to figure his secrets out.

(If only he wasn't in love with her.)

When an unknown figure returns with the Peacock Miraculous, Ladybug and Chat Noir will have to save their city once more — or lose each other trying.

I love how this fic shows Adrien just breaking down over the reveal of Hawk Moth’s identity, he’s in a Very Bad Place for a substantial portion of the fic, and being a suspect and witness in the case does NOT help. It’s got the most detailed “Adrien suffering the consequences of the backlash to his father’s prosecution” plot that I’ve seen.

Still, things get better with time, slowly, gradually. It’s not all at once, or a completely linear road, but he’s got his friends, even after everything.

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run boy run by Anonymous

Nino was sprawled on the floor of his room with Alya when his phone chimed, in the quiet of a premature autumnal sunset. It was one of those lazy evenings that had become rare lately. Contrary to popular belief, he and Alya could get studying done when in the same room, and he was elbows-deep in late assignments, which meant his phone was on Do Not Disturb, which meant the notification could only have come from one person. ADRIEN 🐈: cmoe ove rnow ADRIEN 🐈: like riggt now ADRIEN 🐈: plag NINO: that is literally incomprehensible NINO: wait is that you plagg ADRIEN 🐈: mov faster

So this is a “Adrien finds out that his father is Hawkmoth and consults with Nino about what to do” fic, with Nino throwing Hawkmoth off Adrien’s track, though inadvertently at his own expense. Love Nino’s perspective here, and I always enjoy a good Hawkmoth-takedown fic!

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When the Morning Comes by @into-september

Gabriel Agreste has been unmasked as Hawkmoth, and the girl who was fighting him all these years turns out to be Tom Dupain's daughter. And standing between them is Adrien Agreste with his life in shatters that Tom Dupain has no way of piecing together. But baking is at least a place to start.

I love how this not only digs into Adrien’s character, but Tom’s as well, especially how both of them have been estranged from their fathers. I haven’t seen that come up much.

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missing person (at the window) by @coffeebanana

Adrien expected to spend another night staring at the ceiling and ignoring his friends' messages, as he'd done every night since his father was unmasked as Shadow Moth. But when Ladybug falls through his bedroom window, he gets a little more than he bargained for.

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This Distance Between Us by @coffeebanana

After defeating Monarch, the search for the Peacock Miraculous brings Ladybug and Chat Noir to a hotel room in London. But it's hard to enjoy the victory when Ladybug can't figure out why Chat's been so quiet, why he seems so sad. How's she supposed to help if she has no idea what's wrong?

This is a great Sentiadrien fic, with Chat freaking out about it and feeling like he’s not worthy of Ladybug’s affections, but not telling her what’s actually wrong because he thinks she won’t want him anymore if she knows. Of course, he’s wrong about that. Also there’s a pretty intense confrontation with Felix, pissing Chat Noir off is a bad idea.

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Waiting series by @11jj11

First fic: Waiting

Every night Ladybug sat atop the Eiffel Tower, waiting for her partner.

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Temporary Place To Stay by walkingonthestars

Caline Bustier hears the news. Caline Bustier worries about her student, whose father has just been exposed as Hawk Moth and arrested. Caline Bustier impulsively takes in said student. Caline Bustier does not know the half of what she's just gotten into.

[0wldn0]

Look you can't give us Earthspark Stunticons without giving us your take on this version of their characters. I wanna know what gets carried over, what's different, how would they, hypothetically, interact with the rest of the cast? Are they stuck on Cybertron while breakdowns on earth? How'd that reunion go?

I love it all so much I must know more! 😍

AHH this ask makes me so happy!! Bless you so very much! 😭 I just love the Stunticons so so much and there's so much I wish we could've seen when it comes to them!! Honestly, I was just going to be drawing them and leave it at that but... they have been occupying my thoughts for the last week and I ended up creating a whole Earthspark AU with them 🫠 ((I'm open to suggestions when it comes to naming the AU!!)) I really adore their origins in G1 so I took most of my ideas from there!! I have all of these paragraphs written about how they reacted when they were first given sparks by Megatron, how their psychological issues started, how these issues affected their teamwork and affected the mind of the Menasor when they combined, how they learned to cope with their issues, each of their individual journeys on getting better at understanding themselves, and then later on understanding each other, accepting one another as who they are and lending a helping hand whenever one of them needs it!! Gosh, so much to talk about when it comes to them!!

With the way I ended up giving them all their own backstories, I ended up kind of OC-fying them 😅But still did my best to stay loyal to their origins in G1! Additionally I wanted to do something with Earthspark's concept of "family" so I wanted these guys to become a family in the end too! ((Especially making Motormaster go through a huge character arc where in the end she treats the Stunticons more like a family! While also keeping her distance from them both physically and emotionally because she thinks she doesn't have the right to get into their personal spaces after everything she put them through)) I could talk about them for hours honestly!! I wanna do more drawings and doodles of them! I dream of writing down all my thoughts in a fanfiction one day, but I'm not sure if that will be a reality... So I may just share my ideas bit by bit in different art posts!! Also yes!! The rest of the Stunticons ended up being separated, with Breakdown being the only one on Earth! Motormaster tried to reach for him but unfortunately she wasn't fast enough to do so before the only entrance got blown up. It leaves the rest of the Stunticons in a weird place, they *just* learned to accept each other and work on their issues together, and now one of them is gone, and they aren't sure if he is even alive! But they don't repeat the same mistakes of the past and stick together instead, ignoring everything about Cybertron until they find BD. Meanwhile Breakdown, when he's first separated from them, has a moment where his paranoia almost overwhelms him again, like in the past. But he manages to calm himself and focus, finding ways to survive on Earth along with other Decepticons. Even though he commits dangerous acts and constantly seeks adrenaline ((joining races all around the world etc)) in an attempt to cope. When they do reunite, it is a happy reunion! With the rest of the Stunticons gathering around BD and celebrating!! Of course, Motormaster still keeps her distance, but if you watch closely, you can see the very small and shaky sigh that she lets out.

[girlinthetardis04]

Ok, so Epic the Musical AU that spawned in my head less than 24h ago. I'm thinking of calling it something like, "The Travels of Penelope of Ithaca", or wtv.

Anyway onto the fun stuff:

yes it has an OC in it, cope.

basically the jist is that sometime after literally every other greek has come back home, the crew has gotten stuck at the Lotus Eaters (iirc it was almost a year in the original), some god(ess) or other, I'm thinking either Hermes or Hestia, appears to Penelope in a dream like "yo, your hubby is alive, he's just stuck bc Zeus and Poseidon are mad at him" and Penny, being the amazing Girlboss™ that she is, she's like "I have find my darling husband" and jumps on a ship to look for him.

EXCEPT.

The suitors are still drooling after her, so she's like. Alright fine. Accompany me on this journey, and "when" I find "proof" Odysseus is actually "dead", I'll marry the bravest one of you. (So I can have a disposable crew AND off the suitors in the same way!)

So basically, Penelope is experiencing the Odyssey backwards while trying to meet Ody halfway 😃

also about my oc. Ahem. She's an orphan kid, same age as Telemachus (10~11), during the siege of Troy she accidentally bumos into the crew because her dad used to wear a headband, so seeing Polites she starts running towards him, momentarily forgetting her dad is dead, and Polites is just like "well, I can't NOT take care of this kid" open arms and all that, ya know.

Anyway, because domino effect, this also segues in Astyanax not dying (as well as Polites and Eurylochos, the rest of the crew is still boned), Andromache and Cassandra coming along, and Polites and the rest by proxy gaining Hestia and Artemis's favour.

one last thing is that when Penny bumps into the sirens, she sees Odysseus (obviously 🙄), and because in my variation sirens can shapeshift, and when they do, they gain partial memories of that person (all the better to trick you with - although not always accurate - looking at you "me and our daughter"), so Siren!Penny and Siren! Ody end up because a couple in the background. They're not like, a villainous couple or anything, they're just chilling and thinking about future Siren!Telemachus (or hey, maybe THEY will end up with a daughter who knows - AARGH now I'm making an AU of an AU).

Tmw your love for each other is so strong it accidentally creates a monster clone of yourselves...

Also Hera is so inspred by their dedication to their marriage she starts endorsing them. Aphrodite too.

Also also they end up keeping one of Polyphemus's sheep as a pet. Because fluffy.

[beegalactica]

Comparison is the thief of joy.

In a world where it seems like everyone else is doing so much better than you, how do you stop comparing yourself to them? You know it's unhealthy and unhelpful but you just can't seem to help it. Don't worry, I've been there and I know exactly what it's like.

Why We Compare Ourselves

Whether we're comparing our appearance; from our eyes to our hair, to even the shape of our fingers; or the grades that we get; the outfits we wear; or the person we are; I believe comparison stems from our insecurities. We may feel like we're not enough in our own right, so we look for people we think are better than us to justify it.

For me over this past week, I've been comparing myself a lot, and that's fine. I can be this confident and self-assured person, but I I still have moments where I don't feel like that - it's just how life works.

My first point of comparison was with a grade that I got in class. I got the second highest and of course, the first thing that popped into my mind was not how good I did on my own, but what I didn't do that relegated me to second place. Reflection is great for improving and bettering yourself, but you know that it has crossed the point into harmful comparison when you start to think: "I'm better than this person at x, y and z so how could they do better than me here?" We often resort to mentally trying to put the other person down so we don't feel so alone 'below' them, but that perpetuates unnecessary negativity.

My second point of comparison had to do with my 'love life'. There is a guy that I like, but we didn't work out, and now the thought of him possibly getting with someone else made me feel so low. It felt like a rejection in the worst way. It felt like the world was saying to me that "I wasn't good enough", not that the timing wasn't right or that it just wasn't meant to be. Obviously, I spent a lot of my time looking at the girl, thinking about all the ways she was prettier than me, taller than me, skinnier than me, etc. I started trying to pull her down in my mind, thinking of all the flaws that she 'had', to hide the fact that I was just insecure that I wasn't enough on my own.

But I refuse to let these events take a toll on my mental health and turn me into a bitter, jealous person because I know that I'm better than that, and I know that you are too.

How To Stop Comparing Yourself

To be honest, I don't know if I can ever get to a point where nothing can faze me at all, because I am human at the end of the day. What I do know is ways to cope and stop myself from spiralling as a result:

Accept the situation - accept the fact that it is what it is. I believe that things happen in life to teach me a lesson or to show me how I can come out of it stronger, and the first step in that journey is to accept that it happened. If things are meant to work out in the end, they will.

Plan your next steps - what are you going to do to give yourself peace of mind? In my case, I'll just have to work harder but also learn to congratulate myself more for the things that I do. I will also have to take some time to figure out why I have these insecurities and work on ways to uplift myself.

Affirm, affirm, affirm - I believe positive affirmations are amazing because who knows you better than you? If I say that I am a smart, hardworking person who is perfect just the way they are, who dares to tell me that I'm not? If I say that I am enough, how can anyone prove that I'm not? Sometimes your biggest enemy can really be your self-concept, but you need to train it to face setbacks and use them to further prove that you are above it all based on the way you deal with it.

Don't act out - don't become a hateful person. It can be hard because we think that it is the only thing that will make us feel better, but it makes us the same as all those other people who seek to pull others down to uplift themselves. Don't let a temporary event change your character.

Comparison is inevitable because the way that our world works is rooted in competition - who is the best? who is the prettiest? who is the smartest? But if you can answer all of those questions saying that you are, then don't let little things get you down. Life is all about growing and evolving, but don't forget to take a moment to celebrate your strengths and remind yourself of just how amazing you are.

You are enough.

I am enough.

[omghallucinations]

ateez gemini moon squad: same bitch, different vibes

you know how 7/8 members of ateez have either a gemini or a cancer moon--what a hilarious combination btw--well seems like a fun way to explore how the same ingredient (the moon in a sign) can express itself totally differently depending on the chart!

gemini moon: a feeling? sure would love to psychoanalyze her uh what do you mean "feel it" a physical body sounds fake :) just think about 500 other things ur anxiety will save u from pain that's how it works :) girl i do not want to know about the deep mysteries of life or your feelings are you nuts??? bye!!!!! reality isn't cute my imagination of reality is cute do not get it twisted

ateez gemini moon squad:

hongjoong, yunho, san

hongjoong

hongjoong expresses gemini moon energy fairly straightforwardly, since the things that affect the moon all mix pretty well with gemini. his moon is in the 3rd decan, ruled by uranus (aquarius vibes, an air sign so they are compatible) and quincunx (a thinky aspect) to his ascendant (an earth sign, so not the most complimentary but the thinky aspect is in alignment) and in the 5th house--the leo house, so fire, and fire and air famously get along.

gemini moon: man i love thinking thoughts and creating and idealized world in my head where i can move everything around like a little paper doll :) i love to communicate with people!!! tell me everything you heard about everyone. but also don't get too real, it freaks me out bro in the fifth house: yes and wouldn't it be cool to express urself creatively :) wouldn't that make u feel safe and like u belong :) i mean sure tying ur emotions to your creativity can cause how you say... le dépression, but when it's going well isn't it great??? in the uranus-gemini decan: thinking is great, u know what is even better, thinking outside the box trine aquarius south node in the 1st: yes and your past lives and general foundational self really throws wood into this fire isn't that chill :) man it is so easy to abstract reality and just thinky think about everything including myself :) ur identity is ur philosophy about the world and the way u express it :) safety!!! also... le dépression if u feel ur being inauthentic.... .... sextile north node in leo in the 7th: u know what's dope, ur coping mechanisms are not completely at odds with your soul's journey :) it is important to express yourself and be creative!!! the aesthetic is a vibe!! sextile aries saturn in the 3rd house: hey girl :) it's me :) a big life lesson i'm at 29 degrees so i'm gonna really cause some fun trouble but on the bright side u truly Get this energy on another level, so i'm gonna bless you with a great work ethic, a duty towards the people around u and the ability to start things and execute them :) dope to be a planet about earth but in a fire sign in an air house so we really get each other ur welcome :) do NOT open this box labeled workaholic: but why???? until your saturn return k? quincunx capricorn ascendant: well. on the bright side. thinky thinky!!! we love thinking!!! uhhh but also... maybe it's really cool to overthink everything and deny ur feelings because it's important to Produce Work...... ... hmmm that ole depresh makes a lot of intellectual sense... ... .. .. . to me...// / // and my Life Direction... .. aha ha ha sextile hygeia in leo in the 7th, who is an asteroid and not a super mega one but we'll still talk about it: ever... compound your feelings so hard that they become one with ur body and u manifest stress through physical illness? haha that'd be fun. anyway u really love caring for people in a generous fun way but also... .... . could u not grind all of your feelings into your teeth every night hahaha? gemini ruled by mercury in sagittarius in the 10th house: let's crank up your ideals and personal philosophy to 11 and give it a real Work Flavor, huh? express urself!!! intellectually. artistically. nothing weird and emotional. full moon: i'm just gonna sprinkle in some illumination for u, some culmination of a cycle, some need for higher meaning, some searching, some power, some witchery, some fertility as in creation, incredibly strong Pulls from different directions that you're gonna have to reconcile with each other, enjoy!!!

pros: The Aesthetic, Smarty Pants, I Love Think and Create, Damn am I an Iconoclastic Thinker and Creative, Generous Spirit and Ability to Demonstrate Care

cons: le dépression, le back problems from hunching over a laptop for 72 hours in a row

yunho

moon in gemini: man i love thinking thoughts and creating and idealized world in my head where i can move everything around like a little paper doll :) i love to communicate with people!!! tell me everything you heard about everyone. but also don't get too real, it freaks me out bro in the 7th house: yeah let's really, really not get too real haha. we're just about the vibe, man, like let's all chill together and make sure everything is equitable and fair and whatever, let's be super balanced because the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS TO KEEP THE PEACE!! my childhood reaaaaally taught me to deny my emotions haha but in a chill way ok don't get it twisted in the uranus-gemini decan: thinking is great, u know what is even better, thinking outside the box square mercury in pisces in the 5th house: but have u ever thought about how other people are sad???????? and ur sad??? and u actually have some very sensitive feelings??? so!! looks like u can't always keep it "chill" by "denying your feelings and the feelings of others"!! SO!!! don't make a decision it's mean :( semisquare venus in taurus in the 6th: ok let's all calm down, huh? let's just be practical and sensible for a minute, okay? let's just get along with people and be chill through life. it's just not that deep. exactly trine south node in aquarius in the 3rd house: damn don't worry i can really back you up there gemini moon, i see ur emotional abstraction and raise you like a bunch of past lives and shit of more intellectual abstraction of aquarius in a gemini house. i am gently curious about other people but i can always see them like i'm looking down from space because i am an alien. loosely trine uranus in aquarius in the 3rd house: #same, no need to follow conventional paths bro do your own thing quincunx scorpio ascendant: u ever thinky think about always being of service to others and calmly accepting the depths of other people while denying ur own like... fairly substantial depths haha ha bc i do sextile hygeia in leo in the 9th, who is an asteroid and not a super mega one but we'll still talk about it: ever... compound your feelings so hard that they become one with ur body and u manifest stress through physical illness? haha that'd be fun. anyway u really love caring for people in a benefic like wise sage on the mountain way... .... . could u not grind all of your feelings into your teeth every night hahaha? sextile north node in leo in the 9th: ur soul would really love for u to like. love humanity in a vibey way. observe the world without judgement but also value ur own ego and self-expression and not judge how much u love attention and everything? cool? quintile jupiter in aries in the 5th house: i bless u with the gift of good vibes. don't get too anxious or sad man ur vibes are so good and people like u so much bro crescent moon: u could be anything :) for better or worse :) ur youthful and also kind of tied to the past and ur gonna have to deal with that, but damn girl ur potential!!

pros: good vibes, peace-keeper, great listener, probably a truly amazing person to gossip with, not too concerned with being normal or anything

cons: hypnotizes himself daily so he never has one feeling, desperately attached to calm and consistent social dynamics, freaks out (internally, by developing health problems) when his friends are fighting

san

hm. well. hm. his sun is in cancer so. that's really gonna make his moon confused right off the bat. most of his moon aspects are more fire and air energy that align with his gemini moon, so it's like his moon and his sun are fighting all the time. yoopies. his moon is strong but his deep emotions are really clawing their way out of where they're buried!!

moon in gemini: man i love thinking thoughts and creating and idealized world in my head where i can move everything around like a little paper doll :) i love to communicate with people!!! tell me everything you heard about everyone. but also don't get too real, it freaks me out bro in the 9th house: let's add some idealism and detached philosophy and roaming vibes :) all your thinky delusions about reality are actually true, because u believe them :) idealism and traveling and LEAVING make you feel safe! feel free to ghost!! live out of a suitcase for months, you love it! in the mercury-gemini decan: u know what's also fun. gossip :) trine neptune in aquarius in the 5th: +1 to idealism and living in a fantasy world, also let's express yourself creatively and maybe become entirely different people? wouldn't that be cool??? also ur sensitive but in a fun way!! no one knows what ur gonna do next!! opposite pluto in sagittarius in the 3rd house: hey uh remember when u had a ton of conflict with like a parent or a sibling as a kid and it tended to make u fall into love-hate patterns with people? and how u always feel misunderstood??? haha yeah me too. awkward to have a moon who hates feeling things tethered to pluto, huh. sure have a lot of deeply buried feelings, right? man that's gotta be awkward. better hide those deeeeeeep down until they only express themselves in weird unconscious ways :) square vesta in virgo in the 12th, again an asteroid and not one of the huge biggie ones but still gonna touch on it: ever try... ... going home? establishing healthy routines that are not super intense and extreme? no? really? yikes. u probably should bud. conjunct pallas, repeat what i said about asteroids: hm u know how you love idealizing people and denying reality in favor of ur own reality in which ur a pure white knight or whatever? let's add to that by being very protective and giving and compassionate bc ur super emotionally intelligent :) also ever try channelling ur thinky thoughts and emotions through ur art??? could be cool! gemini ruled by mercury in leo in the 11th house: it is very very very important that people see you, lots of people, and lots of people validate you, so jot that down. balsamic dark moon: here is some karma for u, hey but with karma comes wisdom!!!, you felt different from other people when you were a kid probably not in a good way and you're gonna have to work thru some stuff for closure!!

pros: Artsy Ass Bitch, shape-shifter, empathetic most of the time, Wow Isn't Life Beautiful, lookin on the bright side most of the time

cons: no idea who he is at any given moment, deep repressed shit that make him feel misunderstood all the time, ghosts reality 24/7

it's like hongjoong has the smarty pants thinky thought intellectual abstraction artsy fartsy gemini moon, yunho has the emotional abstraction keep it chill chitty chatty no shirt no shoes just vibes gemini moon and san's got the jeckyll and hyde gemini moon. fellow gemini placements u know what i mean, it's not a moral thing it's just the energy! no wonder he's such a good performer he doesn't know who he is half the time, and that is valid.

[momma-pixel]

A Journey Can't Begin Until You Take The First Step, And Then There's No Telling What Will Happen.

[Content Warning: A single mention of drugs, alcohol, suicide. Lots of discussion about depression and mental illness.] This is my 3rd attempt at transitioning and I swear to whatever high atop the thing if this attempt fails I'm gonna absolutely lose my shit. I didn't know it at the time but the route I took from there to here would be wrought with chaos and pain.

My first attempt was an abject failure. Back then we had to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards and go through a Real Life Test in order to start hormone therapy. Unless you were really lucky or had sympathetic doctors you had to deal with the Gatekeepers who wanted receipts, and living in the deep south at the time made this all even worse. This would lead to my final attempt at shedding my mortal coil and boxing her up in the deepest corner of my mental closet.

This is where I danced a downward spiral and gave absolutely no fucks. Drugs and alcohol. A long path of broken hearts from relationships I kept sabotaging. Excessive eating. A day that ended in -y meant the plan was the same - lets make some bad decisions and self-destruct. I was damaging myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and I didn't care. I wasn't looking to the future because I didn't plan on having one, I didn't look to the past either because it only led to blaming myself even more. I looked at the here and now simultaneously damaging myself and doing damage control. It was exhausting!

I had a fight with myself that sort of stopped this. I was in the midst of a manic episode and just riding its wake, coming up on day 3 of no sleep and was working on getting pretty well sloshed. I was alone and just pacing around my house in the dark saying some very awful things to myself and then it happened - I saw my reflection in the mirror and absolutely loathed it! I wanted to recoil from it but instead I got angry. Really angry. Hulk angry. What commenced was a rage-fueled screaming match with myself of hurricane proportions. I can't tell you exactly what was said nor how long it lasted for, but I seems I managed to sleep as when I came to again I was in bed. The brain fog was heavy and deep which was normal, but I would eventually notice a note I wrote myself on my hand that said "I forgive you". I remembered, sort of. The memories were (and still are) hazy, but I remembered just enough to be numb. This was an absolute vast improvement that can't be understated. Its like being negative 5million and suddenly being at 0.

Reconstruction takes time. Current damage has to be assessed and additional damage mitigated. I'd gained a ton of weight, had either burned down or set fire to numerous social bridges, and had a few new health issues that needed to be repaired. A few years later I eventually considered the repair project complete and I was very much a blank slate. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted - it was a pure existential crisis. It made perfect sense at the time and hindsight (and my therapist) says it was absolutely the wrong thing to do, but I said fuck it and built a new me. I frankensteined a new person and would proceed to alter and replace pieces as needed. Write this down kids, this is called an unhealthy coping mechanism.

This invariably leads to the second attempt at transitioning. New me found themself in a new state with new friends, a new path in life, and a new opportunity. Planned Parenthood was now offering transitioning services! No gatekeeping. They said "you know you better than we ever could, as long as you know the risks and are prepared for the changes we can help". This was a warp speed steamroller event. I dug deep into that closet and pulled that box out, letting her out and unabashedly parading her around. Got my hormones, got new clothes, got my own place, and had all the amazing safe and consensual sex I could (sane was not welcome, because this girl had time to make up for!). It was intoxicating! Living, working, shopping, dating as the true me. In this whirlwind I lost friends and family but didn't realize it. I created a hollow existence that had no actual meaning or substance. Sure, my body was starting to look the way I always wanted it to, I was living the life she always wanted to, and there was no one there to stop me.

So that's the thing - there was no one there. It was chistmas day and I was sitting alone in my apartment eating ramen and cold pizza. No text messages or calls, no visitors or invites. The only gift I received that day was from myself, an epiphany. I had once again blown up my life. You see, when you take something out of storage and intend to use it you need to make sure it's still fit for function. She wasn't. She was a battered and bruised beast from a much earlier part of my life that I just kept feeding and had lost control. I had such terrible tunnel vision that I mistook the light of an oncoming freight train for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I detransitioned. I guess you could say I also detoxed. But this time I did not do it alone, I had a good therapist and a good friend that moved in with me. We examined the deepest parts of me, of her, of I. It was tough. The toughest and hardest thing I ever had to do, but it HAD to be done. This civilization I had built was done on the rubble and ruined remains of the last one, which makes for a very poor foundation. It was doomed to fail. My friend sort of acted like a sponsor. She was there to help guide me and make sure I didn't relapse. She helped me sell or give away what I had to, and by the end I had a clean and empty plot of land. Maybe something would grow there, or maybe something would be built there. But no matter what happened, I had to stay vigilant. I had to protect this land because this land was me. I was the sole resident, caretaker, gardener, builder, guardian.

My wife is my world. She knows my entire history, the battles and wars I've fought, the mental and emotional challenges I face every day, and she takes it all with open arms and never complains. When we talked about having kids we didn't know what would happen - between my own biological issues and the changes from the hormones it was a huge question as to whether I even could father a child. We talked about doing all the medical tests my doctor wanted to do as a kid, but when we really thought about it, what would the results change? Would knowing I was intersex, or had some kind of biological irregularity change anything for us? I already had a somewhat clean bill of health from my last checkup. So we said fuck it. It took quite a long time (and not for lack of effort or trying) but we eventually had our first daughter. We also inadvertently sparked something in me.

My therapist didn't know it, my wife didn't know it, and I didn't know it but the birth of my daughter was the trigger for a cascading series of events. As much as I had tried, using all the tools available, I could not keep denying my transgenderedness. Transness? It had always been there, in a quiet and overlooked part of my land, dormant but with just enough life to keep existing. Having a child and becoming a parent was the trigger needed to spark it back to life. Slowly, silently, it grew and stretched out its roots all the while causing emotional and mental issues. My depressive episodes were coming more frequent, but we didn't notice it was depression. My dysphoria was coming back with a vengeance but we thought it was from other sources. My egg was cracking open.

All it took was a simple, innocent, statement and everything changed. My daughter had tripped and fell, started crying, and as I picked her up I said "Come to mommy, baby". My wife noticed what I said, I noticed what I said, and the egg fully cracked open. It would be a series of conversations, large and small, over a few years. It would be 2 steps back and one step forward and jumping in place. We eventually would have the final conversation and determine that yes, I needed to transition. This part of me cannot be denied, ignored, or buried. When I asked what it would mean for our marriage, I said losing you wasn't worth it. She said I married the person, not the gender. We would have our second and last child before starting down this path.

So here we are in my third transition attempt. She has been an integral part from day one. We've explored what I want from this, what can be obtained and what can't, what needs to adjust in our marriage and how we can do it successfully. She gives me my weekly E shots and comes with me to every appointment. This change has also given her the ability to not only explore her own bisexuality, but also gender. We consider our friendship, relationship, and marriage even stronger than before. Our own little family unit is building quite the home on my land. My girls flip/flop between calling me mommy or daddy, but we don't mind since they always call me she or her or even ma'am. My eldest daughter always tells me how pretty I look or how she likes my dress or jewelry. Thanks to an obsession the youngest one had with the movie Coraline, father's day has been celebrated as Other Mother's Day.

Life isn't perfect though, nor should I expect it to be. This journey has also she light on how just how my own mental illnesses have been impacting me and the decisions I've made (if my biography is ever written a copy of the DSM V will need to be packaged with it for reference). Despite my vigilance things do sneak past and I've only just started climbing out of the deepest depression hole I've ever been in and this episode started 4months ago, but my wife has been loving, understanding, and supportive which helped immensely in pulling myself out.

I've socially transitioned at home, at work, and in the world at large. I'm medically transitioning and will soon legally transition. While I mourn that she never got to experience this in it's purest form, I do take solace in knowing she would have approved.

I've received my share of flak from people before, saying that I shouldn't transition because of my mental illness or that my history gives other trans people a bad name. Some bolder individuals have even said that because I detransitioned that means I was never trans to begin with. It hurts for a bit, but the haters are gonna hate and sometimes bitches just be trippin. From the time I started that Real Life Test to now it has taken me 21 years, a herculean task if there ever was one, and I have earned every. little. inch. This victory was earned with blood, sweat, and tears. Want to devalue that? Want to invalidate that? Want to take that away? Well, you'll need to pry it from my cold, dead, fabulously-manicured hands.

If you've read this far and you're struggling with your own transition, know that I understand and I support you. You aren't the first, you aren't alone, and you are heard. I love you!

A man is walking down the road and falls into a hole. He tries and tries but he can't climb out. A doctor passes by and he yells out "Hey doc, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?" and the doctor looks down, writes a script, and sends it down saying "This should help!" and walks away. The next passerby is a priest and he yells out "Hey padre, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?" and the priest says "Yes! I'll pray for you!" and walks away. The next person is his friend, Joe. "Hey Joe, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?", Joe looks down, see's his friend, and jumps in the hole with him. "Joe, what the hell are you doing? Now we're both stuck down here!" he says. Joe replies "Yeah, but I've been here before and I know the way out".

[acourtofquietdreamers]

💖 For all of my Beach Read by Emily Henry loving Elriels 💖

I just finished Beach Read and couldn’t help but notice Gus and January are extremely Elriel coded.

Like Azriel, Gus and his mother were abused when he was a child. This greatly effected his self image and made him believe to didn’t deserve good things. That he would taint the bright lights of the world with his darkness.

"Maybe it sounds shitty, but I’ve never trusted myself with anyone … soft.”

"I saw that with my parents, you know? This black hole and this bright light he was always just trying to swallow whole." My gaze flickered to his face, the sharp lines etched between his brows. "Gus. You're not a black hole. And you're not your father either."

"Yeah, I know." An unconvincing smile flitted across one corner of his mouth. "But I'm also not the bright light."

Like Elain, January is a soft girl who believes in happy endings and stays hopeful through hard times. They are both a bright light that their love interests are scarred to dim with their darkness.

"Whatever you are" I said, "it's better than a night-light. And what it's worth, as a former fairy princess and the ultimate secret soft-girl, I think you're plenty gentle."

January is able to help Gus realize he is more than the darkness of his past and I think Elain is the perfect person to do this for Azriel as well, but this journey doesn’t come easily of course.

He coughed out a laugh. "Because you're the bright light! Don't you get it?" He shook his head. "It's not about whats happened. It's about how you cope with things, who you are. You've always been this fierce fucking light, and even when you're at your worst, when you feel angry and broken, you still know how to be a person. How to tell people you—you love them."

"Stop it," I said. He started to walk away, but I grabbed him by the elbows and held him in front of me. "You're not going to break me, Gus."

January has to convince Gus that she can handle every part of him. If we were going by anti’s logic, they’d say this is toxic and that Gus is coddling January by trying to protect her from the ugly truths of the world, but in reality, Gus just thinks so highly of her that he doesn’t want this ugliness to effect the bright light she is.

Obviously I didn't want to see this. But it bothered me that he'd say I didn't need to while still planning to explore it himself. I could tell he hated being here too. And yet here he was, facing it.

That was how it always was. He never looked away from any of it. Maybe he thought someone had to bear witness to the dark, or maybe he hoped that if he stared into the pitch-black long enough, his eyes would adjust and he'd see answers hiding in it… I couldn't go hide from this. I couldn't leave Gus here alone. If he was descending into the darkness, I was going to tie a rope between our waists and go down with him.

Despite how hard it is, January chooses to go into the dark with Gus and I fully believe Elain would do the same for Azriel.

“I want you in a way I'm not sure either of us can handle. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to feel what it would be like to lose you."

"It doesn't mean I don't want you, January—I've always wanted you. It just means I also want you to be happy, and I'm scared I could never be the person who could give you that."

A man who wants a woman fiercely, but is scared he can’t make her happy because of his self worth issues. Sound familiar?

I absolutely love this book and it is a perfect representation of how two people’s differences came come together to create a harmonious relationship and showcases how well characters like Elain and Azriel can work together romantically. Gus and January both help eachother grow and ultimately realize they aren’t as different as they may seem on the outside. I’ll leave this post with this sweet parallel:

"You're so beautiful, January," he whispered, kissing me more tenderly, "You're so fucking beautiful, you're like the sun."

“Soft steps padded from under the stair archway, and there she was. The faelights gilded Elain's unbound hair, making her glow like the sun at dawn.”

[greens-spilled-tea]

Hey! I'm sorry if this is too personal but at somepoint were you scared of getting better from your CDD? What kind of ways were you able to cope?

Interesting question. I guess in a way I was scared of getting better- but not necessarily specifically about getting better with DID. I was scared of who I would be without trauma and depression- or rather, that I didn't really have a "self" outside of that. I was scared of what memories I might discover. I was scared I might be wrong that I have a CDD. I was scared that I didn't have trauma and I was way overexaggerating my own reactions to things from my past and my history. I was scared I was misremembering my own experiences. I was scared I wouldn't be stable enough while healing to be able to support myself, let alone the people I loved. I was scared of losing my friends. I was scared they wouldn't understand what I was going through. I was scared they'd reject whoever I became after I recovered. I was scared they would push me away when I became "too much" for them as I was recovering. I was scared of losing my job. I was scared of discovering the dark parts of me that I'd tried to bury away to make me a "better person". I was scared that these other versions of "me" would take over once I got better, and I'd become a worse version of myself. I was scared I wasn't healing right. I was scared of so much. I was scared, because I didn't know what to expect for myself.

What really helped me was reading how other people healed and recovered from their traumas and their disorders. I talked to many people online, I was on the r/DID and related subreddits a lot, I watched whatever youtubers I could talking about their experiences with mental health. I didn't just stop at DID, either. Personality disorders, psychosis, ADHD, bipolar, PTSD, depression, anxiety- looking into the stories and experiences from anyone who's struggled with mental health, and seeing where they ended up, have helped me immensely. I realized that there are many people out there who had the same fears as I did, but decided that their end goal was worth it despite or in spite of the fears they had. I learned what "recovery" and "healing" looked like for different people, and how that compared to where they were when they first started. In that way, I could sort of see where my own healing journey may take me, and what exactly I wanted recovery to be for me. I did a lot of introspection to define these things for myself: what my healing goals were, who I wanted to be, what I hoped to gain, what I wanted to change.

And in the end, I had to acknowledge that it is scary, and some days it may be too much to take another step forward. And that's okay. I learned how to go at my own pace, whether that was barreling forward through whatever trauma and dissociative barriers were blocking me, or laying on the floor and letting myself just be the worst version of me in that moment. Practicing radical acceptance has helped me a lot in that regard. Learning how to trust, both in myself and in others, has also helped. And allowing myself to acknowledge that I'm not going to know what's going on every step of the way, and that things may not go according to plan, and trusting that I'll be adaptable enough to figure out how to make things work, was also a pretty critical step for me.

So, yeah. Healing can be scary, and I get it. And learning to cope with it is important. But also learning how to keep going despite being scared is also a big part of it.

[moontheoretist]

Someone just told me I can't criticise Cullen's redemption arc for being too short and not addressing properly the issue with his hatred of the mages, because I need to take into account the context of the time period the medium was made... I'm sorry but did good and not cut in half redemption arcs that fully adress character's journey to become a better person were invented after 2014? Or am I missing something?

Rant below.

And they were literally responding to me saying that Cullen's arc was not fully done in DAI. Which is an obvious statement of an obvious fact that Cullen's arc is cut in half and that DAI is just a start of redemption journey. My critique was of people assuming that it was a full arc and game treating it as if it was a full arc when it simply wasn't. They keep insisting "they couldn't know due to the time period". Like WTF.

2011 - 2014 is not ancient times! Even if they didn't mean that and instead the historical period DAI is set in, it's a bullshit argument! DAI is not historical fiction! And even if it was, critique can be made still!

And told me to "appreciate media as a result of cultural attitudes of its time" which is such a white cis hetero privileged argument I swear. Oh, yes I should definitely appreciate all the media for their racism and sexism and excuse it because "they're just a product of its time" when the only thing it showcases is the bias of the author at worst and author's desire to explore fucked up things at best. No, thank you.

We knew how to write a full redemption arc in 2014 and even long before that! And when I kept repeating my point that the arc was too short and should be longer, that I'm not saying it out of hate but out of love, they literally tried to blame me for "twisting their words" so I can be right. I didn't twist shit. It was them who didn't want to say what they truly mean by what they said to "avoid spoilers" (as it was a convo under a video of someone who never played DAI) with their "context of the time period" point. Not to mention that this point doesn't apply in this situation. I didn't say that, but even if it was applying here it would NOT be an excuse to act as if what is happening in the game and what Cullen says to your mage in DAI was ok. It just reminded me about all those people who say "grandpa doesn't know better, it was different times when he was younger". Like the fuck, it's not an excuse, and it's stupid argument, because people knew bad stuff were bad regardless of the time period. Those that didn't were in the dark about it because they didn't want to engage with different narratives than the ones that suited them the most, and then when they aged they just kept those opinions and refused to budge, even when they were wrong both at the time of their youth and when they were older. Times change, but some stuff are always the same. People not being able to accept that criticism exists and isn't harmful or malicious is just one of them.

And it all started because I dared to say that Blackwall's redemption arc is better. I didn't say it because it's better written (i.e. it has more content inside the game rather than outside it) or was longer. I said it, because the ultimate goal of a redeption arc is to make the character become a better person and Blackwall when we meet him is already way on his way to become a better person. He didn't just start his arc. He worked his ass for years to be where he was during DAI. Meanwhile Cullen is just starting his arc or at the very least in the middle of it if we count from the moment he was traumatized. DAO was his traumatic experience. DA2 was him doubling down on his hatred to cope with his trauma, so at the end he could switch sides. DAI is when he finally properly starts his redemption journey and actively tries to become better. He stumbles and does bad shit during it because it's a start. But it's still not an excuse to what he says and tries to push for in DAI. It just means that his journey will be long and hard. Treating DAI as a full redemption arc is foolish and tells me more than I need to know.

[maris-27]

an update of sorts

long post but necessary ! check tags for content warnings before reading

Ok fine hiii helloooo yes i am aware i've been gone for a million years and i also know most who follow me mostly likely do not care and / or have completely forgotten about this blog (which is completely fine i promise, i'm being lighthearted and /pos). That being said, it didn't feel correct to pass by, post the silly and disappear into the wind this time around, so here goes.

Although i've always loved to post only and exclusively when i fell like it and want to, and this is a fact that does stay true even right now, there have been mayor life factors as to why i've been 99% gone. The main one, very genuinely and very simply, is me being very busy with uni. I've been studying animation since 2020, and i'm currently on my 5th out of 6 semesters before graduating. I like to keep things separate (personal art and "uni art") so I've not been sharing a lot about my journey. I feel like i owe you all more content because of this, and i may post thesis-related content once i'm more free or when i feel comfortable doing so. I've been creating parallel to all of this but i just have not felt the itch to post, the same way i've left aside social media almost entirely. To put it bluntly, it did not do me any good, and it connects to the other reason/s as to why i've been radio-silent…

On the other hand, 2023 was an entirely different level of low for me. I will not trauma-dump on you all, but i've been struggling on-and-off with my mental health virtually all my life. Intrusive thoughts since i was a child, GAD, DPDR, etc etc. During my most active years here (2016-18) i was using art as a main coping mechanism and it did help me a lot, but the bad periods only got worse since then, as they do. Once you learn to cope with a level of "severity", next time you'll need to learn to cope with a harder one, and so forth. Not always ofc, but it was like that for me and still pretty much is. Just how the fluctuating nature of my mental health is. The ever changing downward spiral that started in 2020, a year i have genuine real trouble remembering at all due to how dissociated from reality i was, hit new records each year after that. '21, '22, and finally '23 where i almost fully gave up. twice.

I'm doing a LOT better nowadays, i am not in any risk and i'm no longer a danger to my own well-being (i promise) thanks to my beloved therapist and loved ones, but '24 has been an entire year of recovering and mostly coming to terms to what has happened to me not only last but these past few years, inwards and outwards. Life has been gentler on me, and that's mainly why i got inspired to post this.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you have. Cannot promise I'll be more active but what i can promise is that i'll be around. Have a great week everyone, wherever y'all are.

[ekaarts]

RWBY fanfic recomendation

What would happen if the Curious Cat did end up possessing Ruby in the end? Of course, she wakes up in her 15-year-old body.

Ruby Rose and the Curious Cat are now one and the same. She wakes up in Patch just the day before her fight with Torchwick happens.

But Ruby is not fine, stable would be a heavy overstatement as well. She's in pain; she just lost everything; they failed; Atlas is gone; Penny is dead; had no time to process her grief; and now she's one with a creature older than Remnant itself. So her first thought after waking up is to end her new, miserable existence. (Obviously further TW for that and other simular stuff.)

However, she can't pull the trigger. So, inspired by her uncle, she decides to avoid her problems in a way that was affective for many others.

Alcohol.

Her journey leads to Junior's bar, where she ends up meeting Roman Torchwick, who offers her a job. Led by the curiousity of the Cat, she decides to accept it.

And so Ruby starts her new life, free from the burdains of a leader, trying to find a new meaning to her new, caotic existence.

But she's no monster, she also doesn't want Salem to win. How will she manage this?

No fucking clue, we're not there yet; the story just covered the events of volume 1.

I really liked it and can't wait for the next update. Ruby tends to fall a bit out of character, but considering her mental state, it's not that noticeable or bothersome.

I personally found the way the writer portrayed Ruby's suicide attempt somewhat teraputic. Probably in the way only formally suicidal people who cope using humor can, so keep that in mind.

Also, Yang walks in on Ruby trying to paint her room red in chapter 1, so after that, I really want those two to interact. (It's a one pov fic)

Also, it turns out I absolutely LOVE the trope of Ruby somehow joining Torchwick. If you have recommendations for that, I'd love to read them! (I read Found The Good In Souls Gone Bad and am planning a recommendation post for that too in the near future.)

Lines living rent free in my head, for better or worse:

“Ruby, put the gun down.”

“Hmmm, nope!”

“The fuck haven’t you cut her off? Do you know how bad it would look for a kid to drink herself to death here, we’d have cops swarming the place faster than a flock of Nevermores!”

“...A murder.”

“That’s right Junior, you let something like that happen in my city and the Xiongs are going to have to arrange a funeral.”

“Uh, no, it’s just… you said a flock, a group of Nevermore are called a murder.”

“Junior, I fucking hate you.”

She didn’t feel like she needed to vomit but Qrow had said that exact thing before covering her shoes in barf more than once.

“Neo! If you don’t tell me where you hid my coffee I swear to whatever God that will listen that I’ll cut you off from ice cream!”

When Ruby’s fingers wrapped around the crystal she felt… something. Fear wasn’t the right word, it was more like terror. The image of a rolling dark mass of energy flew through Ruby’s mind, there wasn’t any pain, just existence one second and none the next.

Huh, neat, that was interesting. Whelp, into the case it went. Ruby had gone through far too many mind breaking realizations lately to be shocked by the fact that Dust was actually wizard bones.

“So Red, Neo wants to know why you decided to make sweet love to your rib cage with the business end of my steak knife… Got an explanation?”

“I dunno, just wanted to see if I could bleed.”

“So… How’d you join up with Roman?"

“He found me trying to drink myself to death at Junior’s, the rest’s history.”

“Aww, come on! How’m I gonna be a good terrorist if I don’t know what we’re blowing shit up for?"

Come back Ruby. I swear, I’m not racist.

Bonus from the notes and the comments:

I'm here, I'm queer.

Welcome back everyone to the latest installment of my bullshit.

Hi there, its your resident sick bitch back with another serving of my customary bullshit.

Yang: Ruby please don't

Ruby: shut up I'm thinking

[tmwcs]

hi reina my love,

im so sorry I went inactive for two days I was super busy and just couldnt cope and keep up with everything going on in my life right now and rarely had time to open my phone. But I promise that i’ll always try to make it up to you whether it be this week or in the next days.

I cant forgive myself knowing I didnt greet you on your birthday!!!! oh my lord…I will forever be guilted by this…well in that case here’s a letter I made hehe <33

Dear Reina,

I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for your presence in my life. Even though we haven't met in person, you have become such an important part of my daily routine. Our conversations, shared thoughts, and laughs have become my solace in times of stress and my celebration in times of joy.

I appreciate your willingness to listen, your kind words, and your willingness to share your own experiences. You have provided me with a sounding board, a cheerleader, and a confidante. Knowing that you are just a message away gives me such comfort and peace. You are such an incredibly talented and beautiful person and though I haven’t seen your face, I know your gorgeous inside and out. Talking to you, reading your writings, and sending my reactions to you knowing I was able to make you smile is and always will ne the highlight of my day.

I feel incredibly lucky to have you as my best friend. Im not sure if you know this but, you truly have made a positive impact on my life, and I hope that I have done the same for you. I look forward to continuing our journey together, sharing more laughs, and making more memories.

Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

I wish you the happiest birthday ever!!!!! you deserve everything and more. I love you always.

With so much love,

Nik

oh my girl! dont worry about the bday, i purposely left it out bc i get too overwhelmed by letting ppl know about my birthdate lol. i'm so glad to hear back from you, i know you've been busy. hows ballet practice?

and i just want to say that your message, along with @iamliacamila , @heeshees , @moonmoongi and my Em anon and everyone else that have sent me bday wishes and heartfelt messages, i love you all. these messages make my day and make life truly worth living for. i love that i am able to bring you guys joy and content within this blog, and allow your minds to escape reality, I'm a firm believer that we need to be a little delulu to keep ourselves sane lol. but i am so happy that i made this blog to connect and make friends, which was something i was lacking bc i just never really had the opportunity to make a whole lot in person. but this is way better if you ask me lol. to think that it all started from my friend who stans enhypen, and convinced me to make this blog and turn my fics into heeseung fics lol. ofc i had to pick her brain and have her educate me on who the hell enhypen was, and still, there are some days that i have to hit her up for some new photos or information to reflect in the fics, but i'm glad that i know about them solely bc i get to meet and become friends with you and everyone else. <3

this photo is something i'm vibing to rn bc i have a big cheese eating grin on my face lol.

[sylviareviar]

Curious but how did you come up with your OC? Is she her own fandomless OC you have verses for, or has she always been one in the Persona universe?

Truth be told, Sylvia is a self-insert OC. I have other verses of her, and her background is usually different in every one, to better explain her circumstances. It's just, her Persona verse is the most active one I have on Tumblr. I came up with her in middle school, when I was at my lowest point, and Sylvia became my go-to comfort character ever since, because... she helped me escape.

But the truth is, I have lots of verses for her. Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's is one (which I don't actually use on here since I don't have any 5D's moots, but I am writing a fic about it on Wattpad-- it's the kind of fic that I'm not really proud to have, but I'm too attached not to write it, so into the trash bin it goes, I guess). I also have verses like Pokemon, in which she only accumulates her trauma after going out on a Pokemon journey, or Fire Emblem, where she's a glass cannon mage tasked with defending her lord (and maybe falls a little ill because of all the magic she's got inside her).

There are others, of course, but at the moment I can't think of many, since right now I'm hyperfixated on the Persona series, but if there are any other fandoms I like that I want Sylvia to be a part of, chances are she's there, with at least a basic background that I can build on if I start focusing on it again (like My Hero Academia). Oh, but I don't actually watch popular anime like One Piece, Bleach, Death Note, or Demon Slayer. Especially not Fullmetal Alchemist; I watched it when I was younger and got traumatized by the chimera dog. It's a little bit tricky, but I mostly find myself attracted by JRPGs, which is when I start to wonder, "I wonder what it would be like for Sylvia here? What kind of background would she have? How would she interact with the characters?" Building her up from there, coming up with funny scenarios with other characters, creating mischief and angst and blending the two into a believable character... It's all a lot of fun for me.

Sylvia being a self-insert doesn't mean that I take everything personally when I RP. Instead, the way I act with her feels more like she's a "doll" or an act that I play with. If other characters have personally hurt her, that's not an attack on me, nor is it an attack on her. It is an in-character interaction, much like how two actors who act out characters on stage that fight one another doesn't mean that the actors themselves are fighting.

The way she looks and is as a character is built in ways I can relate to, and it helps me to cope with the real world and real traumas I have. In a way, Sylvia could actually be my own personal Persona-- a mask I wear to get through the real world.

Sylvia's appearance is based purely on what I would find ideal on myself, and is sorta like what I think my personality looks like if it were a person. Her background, though, is something I have fun playing around with and building with the world, and I do my best not to break the boundaries of whatever world she's in, but bend them a little bit to make her seem unique without trying to take attention away from other, more important characters.

I guess you could call Sylvia almost a "trauma response," but I prefer to think of her more as a "special interest," because through her, I can learn better how to write, how to behave myself, and simply have fun interacting with canon characters.

Also, exhibiting some of my own personal habits through her helps me identify my faults as a person, and figure out things that I need to work on versus what things may be cute or fun in an objective sense, which I could leave alone after a bit of moderation. Such as...

...m-my habit of rambling. Or my dislike of loud noises.

But not everything Sylvia does is the same as me! For example, I don't actually live on a farm like Sylvia does in both the Pokemon and Persona 5 verses. My home is actually in a suburban area. Sylvia's location also isn't exactly the same as mine, and depending on the verse, her skillset isn't the same as mine either-- the only things that remain the same are her like of drawing, singing, and writing. Sometimes it isn't possible for her to play a flute, or to play video games, or even to just ride a bike. So really, how close she is in depiction to the actual me depends on the verse, but all of it is simply to have fun.

I hope that explained Sylvia as a concept sufficiently. I know a lot of people are uncomfortable RPing with self-inserts, so I'm already very grateful for the people who are willing to RP with her, and who haven't dismissed her as cringe or disgusting. Believe me, I've tried to let her go years ago, but every time, it never worked. So I'm sort of stuck. But I think if I practice with Sylvia long enough, I could start writing other characters with their own silly nuances and overly specific habits too.

[mangodestroyer]

I think I've come to realize that I'm the kind of person who feels fulfilled when I'm working towards something.

Like, I do care about the destination, but I care about the journey so much more! With my current standard of living, it might be possible for me to just fuck around only working part time. Sure. Whatever. I did that for a year when I took a break from school. And it SUCKED. I was so miserable. I was also processing something that WAS very miserable, and witnessing many more miserable things, but it's gotten so much easier to cope with now that I'm back in school.

It was like this in hs too. I had a goal. And that was taking on the advanced classes and graduating with honors. Not even much thought as to what I'd do after or anything. I just wanted to do it. And I did genuinely enjoy it, for the most part (although part of why I was doing it at the time was for the wrong reasons, so that led to its own existential crisis).

Idk, it just gives me a sense of purpose, ig. It makes life feel structured and predictable. And again, I can't just not do something. I just want to go through college and enjoy the experiences it may bring. And have the satisfaction of knowing I could do it. I've seriously been thinking about grad school and living on campus, and I'm absolutely excited to go through with it! I feel so much more ready for it too, than I did when I first started out and couldn't figure out what I wanted to do in college.

And tbh, I'm torn between whether this is healthy, or some kind of trauma thing (seeking out predictability and structure). It does sound healthy and constructive in some ways. Seriously, I'm not hurting myself doing this. I'm not getting into six figure debt atm (and there are some options for me when it comes to funding, so long as I attend a school in my state).

At the same time, it would seem that I am stuck like this. With the whole structure seeking. I've done work getting myself to stop trying to seek that out so much in other individuals because it was leading to me being too desperate and vulnerable and letting in toxic relationships. Yeah, that shit had to stop real fast. I think I'm starting to get that this isn't a normal way to bond with others and that things need to happen much more subtly/organically. Not just go with the first person who claims they respect/love me (but obviously doesn't mean it).

At the same time, idk if you can completely fix trauma. Or the side effects it has. I think in some ways, it will always be there. Just managed better than it was four years ago. But like I said, I'm not exactly miserable taking classes and all. I have always liked learning. And I find the college environment to be far less oppressive than grade school and other aspects of my life.

[jamiemaybeme]

i took that as a challenge, apparently. have my 1am brain dump that unnecessarily deeply analysises random lines. this is the result of two hours of english revision earlier. (mandatory. at school. we had to sit in the hall for two hours in the same seats we have for exams. i'm not anywhere near any of my friends. the only good thing is i'm at the back.) anyway enjoy! (or don't, idrc.)

i love the chorus, but consider (with reasons/my interpretations):

"i am prone to fits of fright

moments of intense neuroticism

but when i'm good, good God, i'm great"

this bit really describes my anxiety. "fits of fright" and "moments of intense neuroticism" are such a great ways to put it, and show how while it's fleeting, it is INTENSE. and "when i'm good[...], i'm great". i feel much better. i wonder how i ever felt bad. and then when i feel bad i wonder how i ever felt good. it's a great line.

"but you've heard all this before

so i will try and elaborate"

using fictional characters to explain how you feel is the most relatable thing ever. when i was really struggling, i told people i related HEAVILY to charlie spring (from heartstopper). no one ever picked up on it, but i was too scared to say anything outright. i felt if people really cared they would ask. (this was absolute rubbish btw. the hints i was dropping were so subtle no one apart from me would have been able to pick them up. plus, it was a difficult year for everyone, and i never asked about them. we're all much better at communicating now though.)

"i am everyone and everything

all of the time

oh God, i'll be..."

gonna split this into two parts to start with. "i am everyone and everything all of the time" honestly just describes me perfectly. not only do i feel so overwhelmed with all the pressure from school, friends, extracurriculars etc, i feel like i need to be there for everyone. i also feel like i'm an amalgamation of fifteen different people, and i only show certain ones to certain others. i'm getting better at this. for a while, i was the only therapist friend in my group. i felt like i had to be there for everyone, yet no one was there for me. (again, utter nonsense. i just didn't want to 'burden' anyone because of previous ✨ trauma ✨.) i feel like these lines also link to 'all you get is confetti' (my favourite song on the album probably): "you can't be everything for everyone but you can be everything to someone", showing the process of unlearning. this makes sense, considering 'aygic' immediately follows 'icsaidlay'. bears in trees songs and albums/eps often tell stories of journeys (i want to feel chaotic, keep me safe, doing this again etc), which further backs this up.

"oh God i'll be..." reminds me SO MUCH of 'doing this again'. "oh my God we're doing this again". the whole premise of the song is to describe how doing the same thing everyday feels. the repetition throughout the song helps to emphasise this. the elipsis in this section of 'icsaidlay' creates the same effect. it feels like the singer/writer is starting to spiral, thinking about all the things they have to do/be. it reminds me of how i feel when i'm simultaneously burnt out and overwhelmed.

"playing games about our names"

as a genderqueer person who changed their name (countless times. maybe 5?) i just find this really funny. i love it.

"when my friends would all go swimming

i would drown within the shallow end"

another line that feels like such a good explanation for my brain. this one sounds like when you're the 'gifted kid' so you've done really well in primary school but now you're in a highly academic secondary school and are struggling, whilst all your peers are fine. they've learned to cope, they've always had to. you never learned to, you never needed to. turns out you've had undiagnosed adhd this whole time.

"and the kids were all relentless

with their teases and their tempers"

i love being bullied 😎

seriously though, hearing songs about people being bullied and seeing them now grown up really helps me to be able to visualise my future. i've never been bullied TOO badly - i've always been able to (mostly) handle it - but it's still impacted me significantly. this song and 'aygic' (yes, again, these two songs are so intertwined) really help. "better give the kids something to shout back as the books fall out of my rucksack".

"i sleep better on the sofa

please do not take me to the bedroom"

someone else said this already but i agree and i did think of it before i saw their post i promise :']

this line is so ace coded. i scream this line at the top of my lungs when no one is home. i beat jumping height records when i can't shout. i love these lines. i will never shut up about them. they are literally the epitome of this emoji: 🤌. they're awesome.

bonus: parallels

also rq: the parallels between this song and 'aygic' are great. i love them. 'aygic' being a more apathetic view about the whole life thing, whereas this one is definitely a feeling too much view is honestly genius. the contrasts and yet the similarities. they work really well together.

that was literally a whole essay i am so sorry. hope you enjoyed!!

p.s. i am doing much better mentally now than i was when i first heard this song. i know it wasn't that long ago, but sun and a concert can do a lot to a person. i've written this mainly from the pov of me first hearing this. but just in case anyone's worried, i'm okay now.

double p.s. nick, if you're reading this (i'm pretty sure it was you who wrote this. it sounds like a nick song.), i'm glad we've been able to give you what you've given us. a sense of belonging and community. to some extent at the very least. thank you for putting this song out despite being scared. we appreciate it so much <3

(okay i'm going to bed /ref)

so you're telling me bears in trees referenced over the garden wall, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, scott pilgrim vs the world, and my hero academia...all in the SAME song? and you're expecting me to be NORMAL about this? ...pathetic