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iamanartichoke · 3 years ago

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So.

This post has been a long time coming for me, and it's likely not going to endear me to anyone, but if I don't get this out then it's just going to fester until I eventually leave tumblr and I don't actually want to leave. So, yknow, there we are.

That being said, I'm writing this for personal catharsis, not to affect anyone else in any way. I'm not trying to, like, make a stand or call out people or judge anyone, even though it will seem that way. This is just my perspective and my feelings, and since it's my blog, I feel like I should be able to write it.

Basically I've been doing a lot of soul-searching since the holidays, about my life in general but also about tumblr and fandom. It's gotten to a point where I give tumblr a cursory login a few times a day so I can check notifs/the dash and maybe post a thing or two to feel like I'm still active, and then I go off and do something else. It used to be that I was on tumblr constantly, and I was having fun, and logging in and posting and interacting, and while I'm not advocating for spending all of one's free time glued to the computer screen, I have to acknowledge that even when the majority of my free time was spent glued to this site (and AO3), I felt fulfilled. The way a hobby is supposed to make you feel, yknow? Something fun to look forward to, to get invested in, to feel a sense of accomplishment with. I was investing a lot of time here, but I felt like I was getting back just as much, to the benefit of my own mental well-being.

And I've met a lot of wonderful people here. Before I joined the Loki fandom, it had been a very long time since I'd been part of any significant online "friend group," so to speak. I'm most comfortable in lurker mode. I don't like to draw a lot of attention to myself. I was also never in a fandom before, not really. I had my hyperfixations and my beloved content, but it varied, and I just engaged with that material in my own way. Which was fine, bc it wasn't something that was a major part of my life. Not until I discovered Loki did I actively want to participate in fandom. I was thinking about this character constantly, I was seeking out fanfiction for the first time in years, and I was even inspired to start writing my own fanfic, which I hadn't done in literally over a decade (rip my Baby-sitters Club fanfics on FF.net). I felt for and related to this character so much that it wasn't enough to just quietly lurk on the sidelines; I had feels to share and things to say and I had found a community with so many other people who knew how it felt.

None of this is unique to me, I'm sure. Every person who engages in the Loki fandom, or has, or will, felt some kind of connection to this character that brought them here, bc casual consumption wasn't enough. We're all here bc of Loki.

So it really saddens me to see how fractured the fandom has become, and to reflect on my own role in it. I've been holding my tongue on a lot of things for months, out of fear of disappointing people I care about, or out of fear of becoming a target, or out of fear of losing my community bc, tbh, I don't have much else for social interaction, especially since covid ruined all our lives. But the less I said, the more I just ended up removing myself from the community, and the truth is that while I don't want to disappoint anyone, there are a lot of people here who've disappointed me. And it's not fair for me to not acknowledge that; I can't beat myself up for saying things or having opinions that disappoint others while also internalizing all of the disappointment and exhaustion heaped on me by others, so that I feel like I'm the only one doing something wrong.

And I'm not saying that to call out anyone; like I said, this is cathartic for me to write. And far be it for me to say anyone is doing anything wrong in fandom, bc we all have our own perspectives and experiences and they affect how we engage in fandom spaces, and that's fine. You do you, boo, and all that. (Asode from death threats and harrassment; y'all need to cut that shit out.) But it would be disingenuous to not acknowledge the ripple effect that some people's actions and words have on others, including me.

I was going through my old blog posts from the last, I don't know, year or so and of course everything was a mess in fandom then, too, but not nearly as bad as it is now. Ragnarok wank was still the most prevalent wank, along with the building anticipation/anxiety over the series. And I was thinking about how my stance on Ragnarok aligned me with a certain group of people, and how my stance on the series conflicts with that, and how it might seem to the casual observer that I've "switched sides." There's a whole lotta discourse from antis about not understanding how people who hated Ragnarok could turn around and love the series, and feeling hurt/let down by those opinions, and I just can't help but wonder what they're thinking about me or if they feel let down by me. But the thing is, I've never hated Ragnarok, and I don't love the series. I think there's a lot wrong with Ragnarok and I have criticized it a lot, that's all. I think there's a lot wrong with the series, too, but there's a lot that I like, or appreciate. So no, I haven't "switched sides," - I'm exactly where I've always been, trying to engage with the material from the middle. I've never seen anything here as just black and white, love it or hate it, and it baffles me that so many do.

Now, I will say that some of that wank re: "switching sides" is legit, in that there are a couple of specific people who took their love for the show to the level of deciding it made them qualified to say that people who didn't and were vocal about it were too blinded by their own trauma/mental health in general to see the show clearly. And that sentiment, intended or not, has ended up being echoed by a lot of pro-series people, maybe not even knowing where it came from in the first place. Things like that contribute to the toxicity in this fandom and make the gap wider, and I get feeling hurt by that especially when it comes from someone once considered a close friend. So I'm not, like, saying these feelings are invalid.

But at the same time, it feels like anyone who previously had negative things to say about Ragnarok and now has positive things to say about the series is lumped into the same category as the people mentioned above, and that's harmful, too. A few months ago one of my posts, for example, got linked in a discord server that I happened to be lurking in at the time bc a lot of mutuals were in it, and I don't care that they disagreed with what I had to say but I do care that they said "Oh I thought I could trust her," like my posting an opposing opinion that says nothing about any other faction of fans and is focused on the series material makes me an untrustworthy mutual. It felt hurtful to me and, despite being such a minor slight in the grand scheme of things, has definitely contributed to my holding back on posting things - not only bc being talked about behind my back is a weird trigger for me (I had a tough adolescence) but bc I feel like I don't know who's nice to me on tumblr while thinking less of me as a person and ostracizing me on discord (or DMs).

What I'm getting at is, I have aligned myself with and befriended a good portion of the "negative" side of the fandom, and I often posted about how criticism shouldn't be treated as such a taboo, that people can post what they want to, that discussions and civil - nay, friendly - debate are good and should be encouraged. And I still feel that way; I don't think criticism should be frowned upon, and I do enjoy discussions even if there's differing opinions. That hasn't changed - but, over the course of the show airing and the six or seven months that have followed, the negativity faction has changed. It has snowballed into such toxicity that it has severely ruined Loki, and the fandom, for me personally.

(If you're a series-anti and we're still mutuals, btw, I am probably not talking about you. I have unfollowed the people, mutuals included, whose posts I no longer want to see, and there are a lot of antis on this site that I do not know, have never or rarely spoken to, and have no connection to, but who are so visibly anti that one can't help but be cognizant of them and their opinions. We also have mutuals in common so their posts are often on my dash. This is about them.)

(That said, if you're not comfortable being mutuals with me or if my posts make you feel let down or some other kind of way, please just unfollow me.)

And I think what was kinda the last straw for me is that some antis are no longer tagging negativity. I mean, I've been noticing a decline in the consistency of tagging for quite awhile now, but in the last few days, they are now not tagging on purpose in retaliation of getting harrassment and death threats. Certainly those things are far from okay, and I get the sentiment, but at the same time, I never harrassed anyone or sent any death threats. I'm just trying to mind my own business and salvage something from this fandom that's rewarding for me, and now I can't even curate my own dash properly.

Which brings me back around to my statement that the negativity has ruined Loki for me. Because the thing is, for me, while I feel there is a lot to be criticized about the series, I genuinely do not agree with many of the antis' takes and I'm tired of seeing them bc they don't change, they just grow and snowball into more extremes to the point where it seems like if you say anything positive about the series, there's at least one anti in the notes saying that thing is abusive or harmful. It can be incredibly frustrating on a meta level bc I disagree but don't dare engage about it, and it's frustrating on a fandom level bc the negativity is relentless. Posts about Avengers-era/TDW OG Loki cross my dash and there've been comments added like "oh, remember when Loki had good writers/Marvel cared" etc. I've also seen an increase in frequency of antis hopping on a pro-series post and ranting, for lack of a better word, about why the show sucks; it has happened on my posts, too. A couple of weeks ago I saw someone complaining about Loki and the series on a post about the Dr. Strange trailer, which had nothing to do with Loki. Just yesterday I saw a post in which OP wrote some meta on the subtle ways that Sylvie showed she cared about Loki, only for an anti to reblog with some "give her her own show then, I'm here for Loki," take which, of course, encouraged others to reblog with "yeah we hate Sylvie and she's a bitch to Loki" commentary, and like - the fuck are you even trying to accomplish, at this point? What do you gain? Certainly not catharsis, bc clearly none of you feel any better, and you're not saying anything new, either. Nor are you looking for genuine discussion bc you're obviously never going to change your mind, no matter what anyone says. So why? It's like there's this inability to tolerate people's enjoyment of the series without feeling the need to remind them that it's abusive and shitty.

Here's the thing about negativity - it's fucking negative. It feels bad and it makes people feel bad. I've seen post after post after post of antis talking about how angry they are, or how painful it is, or how disappointed and furious and heartbroken they are. Those are absolutely valid feelings, and I share some of them, but they aren't pleasant ones. Nobody enjoys feeling that way. It feels bad to feel bad, and that's why tagging was utilized in the first place. So people could avoid seeing posts that would make them feel bad.

Like I've said, repeatedly, I have criticisms of the show. Like. I don't even like it that fucking much! I don't agree with the faction of fans who think it's the best, most brilliant thing ever. But I do think it has heart, and I do care about the characters (yes, I care about Sylvie and I care about Mobius and I care about their bonds with Loki), and I don't feel like feeling bad. I feel bad most of the time in my life; mental illness is a bitch. When I come to tumblr to engage in fandom, I'm doing so as an escape. I want to enjoy myself. If I want to feel bad, I want it to be bc of fictional angst and struggle, not bc every time I turn around it seems like someone else is trying to remind me that Loki's character was ruined by the show or that supporting any aspect of it, especially a ship, makes one transphobic or supportive of abuse. People's consumption of fiction shouldn't be tied to or reflective of their morals anyway, but also, all it's accomplishing is spreading the negativity so more people feel bad.

So, yeah. The level and relentlessness of the negativity is what has ruined my enjoyment of Loki and of fandom. Not wanting to write or post meta bc I feel like if I criticize anything, antis will take it as a green light to start piling on the hate is a big part of it, but it's also not knowing who's disappointed in me or feels betrayed by me or is even just spilling tea about me bc of something I post or share. It's not being able to read fic, bc maybe I saw a post that day that hit on one of my own complaints about the series, and it wasn't tagged, and that person wrote a whole rant about it, and now I can't stop thinking about it to the point that it's actively distracting me from whatever I'm trying to read. I don't care that that person had that take, but I do care that I saw it and it affected me bc they decided not to tag it.

That's just an example of how the negativity can get under your skin and start affecting your perceptions. And, I mean, maybe the thing wouldn't have bothered me if I didn't also agree with it to an extent, but I should have the ability to decide, okay, x thing sucks but it is what it is, I'm going to focus on z bc that's what I'm getting enjoyment from and I want to feel good right now. I don't want to see some negative thing about x. I don't want to acknowledge my criticisms right now. Or if I do, I don't want it to go down the slippery slope of "mhm x was kinda shitty and I wish it hadn't been done" into "x is -phobic and toxic and harmful, and the creators did it on purpose to fuck over Loki, and also that Sylvie cunt should die in season 2" like - asdhjdasjk forget I said anything, damn.

Like I said, I don't expect this post to endear me to anyone, and I'm sure I'll lose some followers and possibly mutuals. If I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry; if I seem like I'm attacking anyone, I swear I'm not. I'm trying to get this weight off of my chest so that when I come to tumblr I can breathe again. I don't have a solution for all this toxicity, but identifying it and speaking it is, for me, better than nothing.

Please do not reblog this post.

#rip all the work i didn't do today bc i was writing this #the charlotte lennox diaries #mood gif #tw gendered slurs #not for reblog

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stargazer-sims · 3 years ago

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Journal Entry #38

Victor

Grief is a strange thing.

I've talked about my dad before, so you at least know he passed away when I was six years old, and that he and my baby sister Caroline were struck by an impaired driver while crossing the street on a clearly-marked crosswalk at ten o’clock in the morning. I've gone to that spot, probably hundreds of times over the last twenty years, trying to make sense of something utterly senseless.

For pretty much my whole life, I've struggled to understand why fate or the Watcher or whatever force controls the universe would allow me to grow up with such a vital part missing from my existence. I've had to rely on people who are not my father to fulfill a father role for me. Uncle Stephen, Julian, my maternal grandfather, and even Uncle JP have had to step in as mentors and role models. I mean, I'm sure they would've done it regardless, but it would've been better if they hadn't needed to pass around the responsibility for me to whomever it was most convenient for at the time. Plus, I'm sure it was awkward for them, having to both acknowledge that my father was gone and yet also trying to never mention it in my presence.

Losing my father has shaped the entire trajectory of my life, I'm sure of it. If I still had him, maybe I would've turned out better. Maybe I'd be more prepared for adult life, more emotionally stable, and less likely to feel as if I'm a burden to pretty much everyone. I've always tried to be self-sufficient, to take care of others and to be the strong one. I never wanted to be somebody else's problem. Up until recently, I thought that was a character strength, but lately I'm beginning to see that other people want me to rely on them as much as they rely on me, and that I actually need to accept other people's support without feeling ashamed or guilty about it.

But, I was talking about the unpredictability of grief.

People like to say kids are resilient, but I'm not convinced that's true. Kids are good at living in the moment, so emotions like grief might be there one minute and gone the next. But, just because you don't see a kid expressing a certain emotion, that doesn't mean it's totally gone from their mind. Also, the way they interpret and process that emotion may have lasting consequences.

Trauma stays with you, even when you're not actively thinking about it. Anything like a sound, a scent, a random memory or something you see or experience, can bring it all crashing in on you again. That's how it was for me when I was a kid; how it still is, actually. I can go days or weeks without thinking about my dad, and then something will come up that reminds me of him, or something will trigger a memory from back then, and it feels like the pain is worse than ever.

I feel as if losing my dad at a young age is kind of a double-edged sword, cutting no matter which way one swings it. Like, I was only six when he passed, so it's fair to say I didn't know him all that well and I don't have as many clear memories of him as I might otherwise have had if he'd died when I was older. That fact should lessen the pain, but it doesn't.

On the other side of it, he's fixed permanently in my mind as this big, strong, handsome hero; somebody who I'd idolized and who I'd never gotten a chance to form any negative opinions about. I'm sure I believed he'd be around forever, and that nothing could possibly ever happen to him. As if grappling with a loss I couldn't comprehend wasn't already terrible enough, that made the shock and pain and disbelief even greater.

Sometimes I can see his face in my imagination as sharply as if it were a photograph, and sometimes I can barely recall what he looked like at all. Not being able to remember his face fills me with an incredible amount of guilt and shame, even though I know it shouldn't. As illogical as it is, forgetting feels like a kind of betrayal, like I'm a bad son for not being able to sustain a perfect recollection of him.

I think all of this is part of the reason why I never want kids of my own. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want to run the risk of anyone depending on me so completely that their life would be permanently altered if anything should happen to me. I also don't want to risk losing anyone else I love so deeply. Just the mere idea of losing Yuri or my mom can push me into a panic attack. I'd be a wreck if I had to deal with that same fear over somebody as precious and fragile and vulnerable as my own kid.

I guess it's a good thing Yuri doesn't like children, much less want any. It saves me from having to discuss it beyond what we've already told each other. We don't have to touch the subject of adoption or surrogacy or the male reproductive technology those Sixamish people in Oasis Springs are experimenting with. All of it's off the table for us, and honestly, I'm relieved.

But, now you're all wondering why I'm talking about this, right?

Yuri and I are going back to Mt. Komorebi in a couple of days, and my mom wanted to take a day to spend with me before we go. One of the things Mom and I did was to visit my dad's and sister's graves, and bring them some flowers.

Mom doesn't go there much any more, she told me. Not because she loves Dad and Caroline less than she did before, but because seeing their headstones brings back too many sad memories and opens up wounds that have never fully healed and never will. She said she prefers to remember them as they were when they were alive. I get that. Visiting them is hard for me, too.

The reason we went there this time was because Mom said she needed to be sure she was at peace with a decision she'd made. It wasn't about closure, exactly. It was more like she wanted to say something out loud, and maybe it felt less weird to her if she could convince herself she was saying it to Dad. Although it wasn't about him, she said she supposed it did have something to do with him in a way.

She wanted to talk to me about it as well, but she didn't say what it was at first. It seemed pretty serious, so I let her sit by Dad's grave and work it out. I placed the pink teddy bear ornament I'd brought for Caroline, but I didn't stay long. I wandered around, not wanting to eavesdrop on my mother.

Finally, when Mom was done. She came to find me. She took my arm, and we turned away from the graves. We walked along until we found a bench under a tree.

"Everything okay?" I asked as we sat down.

"As well as can be expected," Mom said.

"Yeah, I understand."

"I know you do," she said. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't easy for you."

"It's okay," I told her. "It's not easy for you either. Harder, maybe. He was your soulmate."

Mom was quiet for what seemed like several minutes. I'm sure it wasn't really that long, but the silence was uncomfortable. At last, she gave my hand a squeeze. "I think you should know the truth now," she said.

I frowned, confused and suddenly a little scared. "The truth about what?"

"I loved your dad," she said. "I cared deeply for him, but I don't think he was my soulmate. That's someone else."

"What?"

"You're lucky, Victor. You found your truest love and married him. I... I didn't find mine until after I was already married to your father."

"What do you mean?" I said. I didn't like this conversation, didn't like where it was going or what it implied. "How could you have married somebody who wasn't your soulmate? And how could you fall in love with somebody else while you were married to Dad?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "Probably because I didn't believe in soulmates until I found mine. I really did love your father, and I would've been content to spend the rest of my life with him. I was never unfaithful, I want you to know that. I loved Thomas too much to hurt him that way."

"So, you loved two people at the same time?"

"It's possible."

"Who was it?" I asked. "The other man, I mean."

I was positive I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear her say it. I needed to hear the name spoken aloud.

"Julian," she said.

I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel hurt or disappointed or... something negative, because that's how my inner child told me I should feel. It was my instantaneous response. But, that quick surge of emotion faded just as rapidly, and what I was left with was something like resignation.

Yuri had tried to tell me that he thought my mother and Julian were more than friends, and I had stubbornly refused to see it. Or, more accurately, I had seen it — had been seeing it for a long time, in fact — but had chosen to bury my head deep in the sand of denial because of some misguided idea that my mom loving someone else would somehow dishonour my dad's memory.

"It's why he didn't stay married to Ellie's mom, isn't it?" I said. "He was in love with you the whole time."

"Yes," she affirmed. "I think he saw the potential of being in love with me from the first moment we met, but he was engaged to Christine then, and your dad and I were already married. We became friends anyway, and your dad was okay with that. Julian loved him, too. Like the brother he always wanted. We were the original team, you know. Your Uncle Stephen and Aunt Millie, Julian, Thomas and me."

"What about Christine?"

"Honestly? I don't think Julian should've married Christine, but then we wouldn't have had Ellie in our lives, would we?"

"I'm glad we have Ellie," I said.

"Me too," she agreed. "There was a point when Julian and I thought the two of you might end up together."

I shook my head. "We might have, but it turns out her soulmate is someone other than me."

Mom raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"I think it's Leo, but don't tell anybody, okay? Leo told me some stuff, but he hasn't talked to Ellie yet."

"Don't worry," Mom said. "The secret's safe."

"Thanks," I said. "But, I need to know more about you and Julian. How could Dad be okay with having him around, if he knew he was in love with you?"

"I'm not sure Thomas ever knew," she said. "For a while, I even wondered whether Julian actually was in love with me, or if we'd both imagined it."

"Like, maybe it was just a crush or something?"

"That's what I thought, or maybe what I'd hoped," she said. "When Julian started getting to know your father, it seemed like whatever his feelings had been for me went into the background, and I was relieved because it was easier to be his best friend than his unrequited love. In hindsight, I'm sure Julian still thought about it, but we never discussed it."

"And then Dad died, and Julian was there."

"It wasn't like that," she said. "Yes, Julian was there, but still only as a friend. He was almost as devastated by Thomas' death as I was, and he was in the middle of divorcing Christine at the time, so he had his own problems. We leaned on each other a lot, but nothing developed until years after your dad passed."

"Years? Like two years or ten years, or...?"

"About five years."

"Me and Ellie would've been like, eleven and ten?"

"Around that, yes."

"And you never thought you should've told us?"

"We didn't at first, because we thought it'd be too emotionally difficult for the two of you. Then, after a while, not telling anyone sort of became a habit."

"So, you guys have been having a secret affair for basically fifteen years?"

"I don't know if it's really that much of a secret to most people, and we were both free, so it's hardly been an affair."

"You know what I mean," I said, feeling an irrational spark of annoyance. I tried my best to push it down, initially confused as to why I was more upset by her not telling me about the relationship than by the relationship itself. "I might've liked to know before now."

"I'm surprised you didn't work it out for yourself," she said. "I think Ellie did."

"Yeah, well you know Ellie's a lot smarter than me. You shouldn't have expected me to figure it out."

"I'm sorry," she said.

"It's fine. I know now."

"And you're angry about it."

"No." I sighed. "I'm not angry about you and Julian being a thing. I mean, people shouldn't have to be lonely forever. It's just... It would've been nice not to find out this way, after fifteen years. Like, I get you not wanting to say anything when I was a kid, because I wouldn't have understood it, but when I got old enough to start dating people myself..." I shrugged. "No, forget it. It doesn't matter."

"Clearly it does," Mom said. "You wouldn't be upset if it didn't."

"It doesn't matter," I repeated. "You told me. I know. That's it."

"That's not it," she said. "We're not done talking about this."

"What's left to say?"

I watched as she visibly drew in on herself, and I realized that she was hesitating because she was afraid of how I'd react. I tried to calm my racing mind. Jumping to conclusions wouldn't help, and neither would panicking or losing my temper.

She drew in an audible, deep breath and then released it slowly. "Julian asked me again if I'd marry him. This time, I said yes."

"Again?" I stared at her. "He asked you... again."

"The first time he asked was two years ago," she said. "It was on Valentine's day, and it was just after you left. The timing was wrong. I wasn't ready."

"But now you are?”

"Yes," she confirmed. "Now, I am."

"I don't even know what to say," I said, because I really didn't.

I attempted to figure out how I felt, and came up empty, unable to find a name for what was going on in my head. 'Stunned' didn't seem to be enough. 'Blindsided', maybe. Whatever it was, it was the mental equivalent of being kicked in the stomach and having all the air knocked out of me.

Although I couldn't decipher it in that moment, looking back on it, I can say inside my head was a mixture of shock, pain and insult. I'm still not sure there's a specific word for all that.

As if Mom was able to read my thoughts, she said, "You don't have to say anything. We can talk about it later, once you decide how you feel about it."

"Does it matter how I feel about it?" I said. "Apparently you never cared enough to even tell me he was your boyfriend before now, so what difference does it make how I feel about you marrying him? You're going to do it anyway, aren't you?"

"Victor—"

"You don't need my permission," I said "We're all adults, right?"

"I'm not asking for your permission," she said quietly. "Only your blessing."

"Do what you want," I said.

Abruptly, she stood up from the bench. "Do you think that attitude is appropriate?" she demanded. "Would you have liked it if that's the attitude I'd taken about you marrying Yuri?"

"You knew me and Yuri were together. We didn't keep it a secret from everyone for fifteen years!" I shot back, and suddenly I had no trouble identifying my dominant emotions. "Besides, we didn't even know we were getting married until literally two days before we did it. If one of us had proposed the normal way, we would've told you, because we trust and respect you enough to share important stuff like that."

"You think I don't trust or respect you?"

"Why else would you keep something like that from me for so long, unless you thought I couldn't handle it? I might not be the smartest or most grown up person, but I'm not a baby and I'm not an idiot!"

"I've never once thought that about you," she said.

"Really? Because that's not how it feels from here."

"All I've ever wanted to do was protect you."

"Yeah? Well I don't need—“

Halfway through the sentence, I caught my breath. I remembered the conversation I'd had with Ellie a few days after we'd arrived here, when she'd said she would be angry if someone she loved kept things from her for what they thought was her own protection. I hadn't understood it then, but in that moment, I absolutely did. Overprotectiveness isn't good. It's the opposite of good. It's hurtful and damaging and it erodes trust on both sides.

I shouldn't have been surprised when hot tears started streaming down my face. My eyes and throat burned, and I fought to get enough air around the lump in my throat to continue speaking.

"I want you to trust me, Mom," I said. "I want you to treat me like an adult and have enough faith in me to believe I can handle stuff. I might not be good at it, but I'm learning how to grow up, and I... I deserve a chance to prove to you that I can."

She gazed at me for a long time. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and tried to get my composure back, to no avail.

After a while, she said. "You're right."

I sniffled. "What?"

"You're right, and I'm sorry," she said. She reached for my hand and helped pull me to my feet, so that I didn't have to look up at her. "You are an adult. I thought I was doing fine with letting you live your life and make your own choices, but I guess I forgot there's more to it than that."

"Yeah."

"I know it's difficult for you to see it from my point of view, but sometimes it's a struggle to let go of how things have always been."

"I know," I said. "Change is hard. It's hard for me too, but we all have to do it."

"There was a time when you wouldn’t have wanted anything to change," she said. "You would've wanted me to protect you from everything, and I suppose part of me can't stop thinking of you as that little boy."

It was true. There was a time when I would’ve been more than willing to let her protect me from everything. As much as I didn't want to be a burden to anyone else, with my mom it's always been different. I've never gotten the sense that I'm a burden to her. Even with all our other family members around us, for the longest time I'd felt like it was just me and her against the world. It wasn't only her protecting me, but I felt like I'd been protecting her too.

But, something changed. I don't know if it was when I moved out on my own for the first time, or when I met Yuri, or when I left for Mt. Komorebi, but I started thinking less and less that it was just her and me. Not that I loved her any less, and not that I didn't want to look after her or that I didn't want her to take care of me, but being independent became more important to me. I wanted to be autonomous. I wanted to prove to myself that I was at least intelligent and responsible enough to make it on my own.

I guess Mom never saw that, though, or maybe she didn't want to. If I'd realized how much I was changing, maybe I would've talked to her about it. Maybe we could've avoided some of our current discomfort if I had.

I realized it was my turn to apologize. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so angry," I said. "All this is hard to take in. I think I'm overwhelmed."

"It is a lot to take in, I know."

"I still want you to protect me. I just need you to trust me and be honest about stuff, okay?" I said. "I understand the feeling where you want to keep me safe from everything, because that's exactly how I feel about Yuri, but that doesn't mean I don't tell him stuff. We're learning how to deal with things together, and that's what I want with you, too."

Mom nodded. "That's fair. It might take a while for me to get used to the idea, though."

"It's okay," I said. "As long as you're trying."

"For you," she said. "I promise I'll try.”

"That's all I'm asking."

She pulled me into a close embrace. "I love you so much, Victor. You're the most important person in the world to me, and I always want what's best for you. Now that you're a grown up man, I guess it's up to you to tell me what that is."

"I love you too, Mom," I said.

At that point, I was crying so hard, I didn't feel anywhere close to being the grown up man she said I was. I kept reminding myself of what Yuri constantly tells me, that being mature and being emotional aren't mutually exclusive.

"I'm proud of you," Mom said against the side of my head. "You've grown into a man your dad would've been very proud of as well."

"I miss him," I said.

She tightened her arms around me, and I could tell she was crying. "Me too, sweet baby," she whispered. "I think about him all the time, and I see so much of him in you."

"Will you still think about him after you marry Julian?"

"Of course I will," she said. "He was my first love. You never forget your first."

“Even if your first isn’t your truest?”

“Even then.”

“I’m not upset about you marrying Julian,” I said. “Just about you not telling me everything sooner. If he’s really your soulmate, then you should marry him.”

“He is,” she said.

“I’m sorry if I made it sound like it doesn’t matter, ‘cause you were right. It does. I want you to be happy.”

“Thank you.”

“I think Dad would’ve wanted that too. He wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone, and I think he’d have trusted Julian to take care of you.”

“His trust wouldn’t have been misplaced. Julian does take care of me,” she said. “There have been a lot of things in my life that I couldn’t have made it through without him.”

“In that case, if you want my blessing, you’ve got it. The person who helps you get through the worst stuff in your life is the person you need.”

“Just so you know, your dad was also that person,” she said. “Someone doesn’t have to be your soulmate to support and love you.”

"I know, but it’s a bonus if they are.”

“I can’t argue with that.”

“Still, I’m glad you had Dad in your life, and not just because I wouldn’t exist if you didn’t.”

“So am I.”

“I'd like to know more about him,” I said. “I wish I could remember more than I do. I feel bad when I try to remember something and I can't."

"You were only little when he left us. It's all right that you don't remember," she said. "When we go home, you can help me open up the hatch to the attic, and I'll get out our old photo albums and show you some pictures, okay? I'll tell you as much as you want to know."

"I'd like that," I said.

We stood together in silence for a long time after that, holding onto each other as if we were the only two people in the universe. I never wanted to let go, and I think Mom felt the same.

Of course, we had to step back eventually. When we did, Mom was giving me a lopsided, half-amused smile. She reached up to stroke my cheek.

"Look at you," she said. "Your face is all red from crying."

"Yours too," I pointed out.

"What are we going to do about that?"

"Maybe wash our faces with cold water."

"That's not what you used to say," she said. "I can still hear your little voice telling me, 'ice cream would make it better, Mommy'."

"Ice cream would make it better, Mommy."

"Do you still like mint chocolate chip?"

"Some things don't change," I said. "Mint chocolate chip is forever."

"Mint chocolate chip it is, then. Have you and your friends been to The Frozen Cone since you've been back?"

"No, and I don't know how we managed to leave that off the itinerary."

Well then, forty flavours, here we come."

I grinned at her. "Some day, if I ever get back here for good, I'm going to go there for forty days in a row and try every flavour."

"I have no doubt you will," she said. "It's fun being an adult with your own money, isn't it? You can do things like that, and nobody can stop you."

"Technically, Yuri can. He'd probably lecture me for something like that."

"There are worse things he could lecture you for," Mom said. "You should hear some of the lectures I give Julian. At least you hang up your wet towels and don't leave your socks and underpants on the floor."

"That might be too much information, Mom," I said.

She took my hand. "Let's go. I haven't even begun to share too much information yet. You do want me to be open and honest with you, right?"

"Maybe not that open," I said.

She laughed. "Okay, no intimate details, but I do want to tell you about the wedding planning, if that's all right."

"Sure. I’d like to hear about it.”

"We're planning it for late spring, or possibly early summer," she said. "May or June, since we want to have it outside. The only other people we've told so far are Julian's mother and your Uncle Stephen and Aunt Millie. We agreed that we each needed to talk to you and Ellie before we tell anyone else. He's supposed to be telling her today."

"I wonder how that's going over."

"I'm sure she'll fill you in about it tonight or tomorrow."

Knowing Ellie, she'd be texting me as soon as she had a free moment, demanding that I either phone her or meet her somewhere. I couldn't help being curious about her reaction. It'd probably be less of a shock to her than it was to me, since she'd likely already figured out that Mom and Julian are an item. Still, I wasn't sure how she'd feel about the two of us technically becoming siblings, or about my mom becoming her stepmom.

"This might be a dumb question," I said, "But like, when you get married and Julian's my stepfather, does he expect me to call him 'Dad' or anything?"

"It's not a dumb question," Mom said. "And no, I don't think he's going to expect that. If he did, I'd encourage him to lower his expectations, because we both know how you feel about your dad."

"Yeah. I wouldn't be okay with calling anybody else 'Dad'."

"Julian understands that," Mom said. "He always has. That's why he never tried to put himself in that role for you, even though he certainly had the opportunity to. It's the same reason I never tried to do that for Ellie. We wanted to be there for both of you, but we never wanted to take the place of the parent you were missing. I suppose that's part of the reason we didn't tell you we were together."

Explained that way, the situation was starting to make a bit more sense. I said, "I appreciate that."

"We were doing our best," she said.

"I think you did great," I told her. "Both of you. I mean, Ellie and I both turned out okay, so you must've done things right."

"You and Ellie turned out better than okay. You're amazing kids." She ducked her head, looking slightly embarrassed. "Excuse me. You're amazing young adults."

I smiled. "Thanks. So, May or June for the wedding? When you pick a specific date, let me know so Yuri and I can make our travel arrangements."

"We'd like you to be here a little bit ahead of time."

"Why?" I asked.

"So you’ll be here for Julian’s bachelor party, and for the wedding rehearsal. Julian and I would both like you to be in the wedding," she said. "You don't have to give me an answer right this minute. You can think about it and talk it over with Yuri if you need to. Then, you can let me know."

"What do you want me to do?"

"If you'd prefer to just be a groomsman, that'd be fine," she said. "But, what I'd really like is if you'd walk me down the aisle."

"Mom—" I began, but then I had to pause and take a breath.

Walking someone down the aisle is what some people call 'giving away' the bride. The metaphorical implications of that weren't lost on me, but the rational part of my brain chimed in to remind me that I wasn't actually going to be giving up anything.

If Mom and Julian were indeed soulmates like she said, she was already his, body, mind and soul. Hadn't I recently explained to Leo that telling someone you love them isn't a magic spell, and that nothing much would change? And didn't I understand from my own experience of being married that a wedding doesn't really change the relationship either? Whether I knew about it or not, whether I gave my blessing or not, no one was going to lose anything. In fact, maybe all of us had something incredibly valuable to gain.

After another deep breath, I tried again. "I don't need to think about it," I said. "I promise, I'll be there to walk you down the aisle."

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #willow creek #victorandyuri #tw death #tw death of a family member #tw grief #tw marriage #tw step parent #victorsworldadventures #stargazersims

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thekingofsadness · 7 years ago

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I might as well write about this in one post since they’re very similar topics. Just as a summary though, I don’t think Huang Hao would work in DW at all. At best, MAYBE an NPC but not someone I want in the game as a playable character. Honestly, I’d like Liu Feng in the game because he acts as a good example of the change between Liu Bei’s rule to Liu Shan’s.

Why do I not want Huang Hao? Well he never really participated in any battles. By all intents and purposes he’s a coward: all bark and no bite, if you will, regardless of if we are talking about history or fantasy. More than that however, he undermines the principle of DW’s Liu Shan: that Liu Shan is not in fact a fool but instead a genius in his own right. He’s not Shu’s counterpart to Jia Chong, and he will never fill that role. Not in DW nor in history.

See, adding Huang Hao in other fictional adaptations is fine but in DW, this portrays Liu Shan in a negative light—the bad kind of negative light, that is. Huang Hao’s main role should he be in the game is to corrupt and sway Liu Shan’s opinions, blind the emperor from the true injustices of the world before him. But that’s not something that should be done in DW because it does not make for a good ending. The fight between Shu and Jin, between Liu Shan and Sima Zhao, that is the final boss battle. Two rulers of similar personality and backgrounds coming to two different conclusions, facing each other in the battle that will mark the beginning of the end. It’d only make sense to make Liu Shan slowly but surely become more confident in the role that he plays, a worthy opponent for Sima Zhao. Letting Huang Hao into the game and belittle the emperor strips the meaning behind this final confrontation. Letting Sima Zhao fight his intellectual equal is more satisfying than Sima Zhao fighting this idiotic emperor that believes whatever someone tells him.

While it is certainly possible to hint at the slow corruption of Liu Shan’s court, I think a better way to portray the fall of Shu is the decay of the people’s faith in Liu Shan as a ruler, the slow but sure realisation that Shu’s view of benevolence and restoring the Han has been corrupted. It starts with the death of Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Liu Bei is forced to kill Liu Feng for not doing his duty, which of course traumatises Liu Shan. Then Liu Bei dies and the whole of Shu is in grief. Sun Shangxiang secludes herself, Liu Shan is forced to become emperor yet because of his age and the rumours surrounding him, nobody takes him seriously. Zhuge Liang steps in and eases the people’s suffering, becoming the unofficial leader until Liu Shan is ready.

It’s not that Liu Shan is a bad ruler but rather it’s the power of opinion. People think he is only a figurehead, only good at talking, and that leads people to do their own thing. Disobeying the emperor and following the advice of others (e.g. Jiang Wei, Zhuge Liang), Shu begins to crumble. I want Shu in DW to fall. I want Shu to be so blinded to the chaos around them that they lose sight of their true goal: peace, and benevolence. I want Liu Shan to know what needs to be done but unable to bring it fully into fruition, unable to truly bring over people to see the world from his eyes. People are fighting for Liu Bei’s ideals of benevolence instead of Liu Shan’s ideals of peace, and that makes Shu deteriorate.So how does Liu Feng fit into this? He’s basically like Sima Shi in role. He represents what could have been. A bright, strong, talented individual who wants to help his brother, his life cut short, his death the catalyst in letting his brother realise what it means to be a ruler. He comes in somewhere after Chibi in terms of timeline, helps out in a few battles as a general. Not too important but wise as well as strong, and always has something to say about the battle and always has some advice for his brother, who eats it up like candy and loves him like he’s his world. He buddies up with Guan Ping, they have some cool back-to-back moments together and then they both die. Liu Feng surrendered his life so that others may live. Liu Shan’s most ardent supporter, the only one who knew how smart Liu Shan is, dead. And with it dies Shu’s dream of peace. Everybody mourns Guan Yu and Guan Ping. Nobody mourns Liu Feng. And I want that moment to mean something, to let Liu Shan understand the concept of sacrifice.I think Liu Feng fulfills better the role Huang Hao could take in that he predicts the downfall of Shu. He knows when to surrender, knows when to give up when push comes to shove, and I want his surrender to echo what Liu Shan will later do. More importantly though, Liu Feng does this while still keeping a good light on Liu Shan.Basically, I want Liu Shan to be the antithesis of Sima Zhao. I want DW9 to concentrate on two opposing ideas for Shu and Jin and I want their leaders to epitomise it much like Cao Cao is all about ‘ambition’ and Liu Bei’s all about ‘benevolence’. Let Liu Shan be ‘peace’ and Sima Zhao be ‘necessary evil’. Those two have the most interesting dynamic in the game and, if done well, can make a really good final battle and a satisfying conclusion to DW’s story. That was a big tangent from what you said but I felt I had to explain my ‘grand vision’ if you will so you understand why I’m not too hot on Huang Hao being included. So many people hate Liu Shan already so anything that can be done that can make Liu Shan more likeable and interesting as a character is all I can really ask for.

#Liu Shan #lordliushan #thekingofsadness #Yeah I obviously don't like Huang Hao #I can't even begin to imagine how DW Liu Shan could fall for Huang Hao's flattery #In real life sure. Liu Shan historically sucks #But in DW we already have the sneaky Shu character in Fa Zheng #I'm sure there's other people who can fulfill that role AND have an active part in the battle outside of 'he said this BUT I SAID YOU DEAD'#Let Liu Feng be in the game #I want brotherly interactions with Liu Shan and Liu Feng #And I want Liu Feng to be the intermediary between Liu Bei and Liu Shan #The Sima's already have an interesting family dynamic revolving around power for the throne #Why can't the Liu's?

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disapoitment · 4 years ago

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Am I about to overanalyse another throwaway gag? Absolutely! This time it's from the classic season one episode, Napoleon Brainaparte.

So, towards the very end of this episode, our poor, beloved mice are about to meet their tragic end. They're threateningly informed that an afterlife awaits them, and as they cower in what they believe to be their final moments, the viewers are given a glimpse into their heads...specifically, what they each imagine heaven to be like. This scene surprised me on my first watch, because it was pretty unexpected. And surprisingly...sweet?

Let's start off with Brain's idea of heaven, which is shown first.

Right off the bat we have him surrounded by a chorus of Pinky angels. This is one of the rebuttals I have for people who doubt Brain cares about Pinky...I mean, if I didn't like someone, I definitely wouldn't include them in my idealised afterlife, nevermind multiple versions of them!

Uh, I digress. The thing I actually want to draw attention to here is the fact that Brain actively desires Pinky in his life (or, afterlife, in this case) and can't imagine existing, in any form, without him. We've seen it time and time again, from the episode "Snowball" to that one story from the comics, but this is one of the earliest, most apparent instances of it in the show. This scene alone proves to the audience that Brain isn't using Pinky to reach his goals, but genuinely sees him as a friend and a companion. And maybe there's an unhealthy splash of codependancy in there.

To take this a step further, an afterlife is commonly portrayed as a sort of perfect world; a place of eternal happiness, even. It's safe to assume from this daydream that Brain subconsciously associates Pinky with the same joy and contentment associated with heaven. We can even interpret this scene as Brain viewing Pinky as an angel, which is not only heart-wrenchingly sweet, but makes a fair bit of sense, all things considered.

After all, though Brain himself tends to shy away from explicit displays of emotions and empathy, he's been established to admire these traits in others. In "TV or not TV", he claims to find Princess Diana (who was well-known for her activism) attractive, and he repeatedly praises Pinky's kind nature throughout the series, even when it directly interferes with a plan. He even sabotages his own plots when Pinky objects for moral reasons, eg "Inherit The Wheeze", and then there's the iconic instance of him DESTROYING his own machinery after tearing up over Pinky's Christmas letter. I believe this is why Pinky is an angel in Brain's eyes: he's compassionate, he's pure-hearted, and he's innocent. Well, innocent in the sense of intention, at least. Pinky represents all the things Brain is too afraid to be himself, lest morality get in the way of his goals.

On top of that, Pinky always stays by Brain's side. He's the only person/mouse who has never left him, hurt him, or betrayed him. It's natural that someone so lonely, cynical and self-loathing as Brain would view his polar opposite as a literal angel...or, even more impactfully, a full chorus of them. Of course Brain's idealised heaven has himself as an angel too, but I'd say that's either his ego coming into play (he's both self-hating and conceited) or just to serve as a visual signifier that he's...um, dead. The flock of Pinky angels is what I'm focusing on here, because the sheer amount of them in comparison to Brain highlights them in this miniature megalomaniac's reverie. And also because it's more interesting to take the analysis in this direction! ♡

Honestly, there's not quite as much I can say about this segment of the scene. Brain is on a throne, so presumably he's imagining himself ruling...heaven? Good for you, Brain!

It's very in-character for Brain to put himself as the centrepiece of his ideal afterlife, and as much as I love this little guy, the angel imagery is obviously ironic. Whether intentional or not, this can be connected to his egotism, as well as his belief that everything he does, no matter how severe or morally corrupt, can be justified by the end goal of ruling Earth and making it a better place. I don't believe that Brain genuinely sees himself as an angel when it comes to his purity, but rather that he thinks all his sins can be forgiven if/when he becomes the "benevolent dictator" (his words, not mine) of the planet...or maybe that's just what he tells himself to be able to sleep at night.

He looks noticeably very content and calm as an angel. I would go off on a tangent about how this is a version of Brain who is finally freed from the burden of his never-ending cycle of failure, and that this suggests that he needs to break out of his world domination obsession to ever be truly happy, but...I'll spare you.

Oh, Pinky. Poor, poor Pinky. He's so selfless that it stings :(

It says a painful amount that in his idea of heaven...he's not even in it. I don't think he hates himself, yet he's so good-natured that he ends up neglecting his own desires for the sake of others. In this scene, he has literally forgotten to include himself in his own idealised world. I hate to say this, but this could be a result of his codependent relationship with Brain. He's so focused on Brain's happiness and goals that his life almost revolves around him at this point, and as I mentioned before, they fall apart without eachother. Pinky pours his heart and soul into helping Brain, partly because he genuinely believes Brain will make the world a better place, and partly because he'd do almost anything for Brain's sake. His love for Brain is so strong that he's the focus of Pinky's own paradise.

What I find significant is Brain taking the role of every single angel in the fantasy. He's portrayed as a sweet and wholesome creature wearing a cute smile, a stark contrast to reality. Even just him being an angel in the first place implies that this is how Pinky sees him. A big part of the latter's motivation to help Brain take over the world, though scarcely mentioned in the show itself, is so it can become a happier, nicer place for everyone. As a determined optimist, Pinky shares the desire to improve the Earth, and so views Brain as a sort of hero, someone surely worthy of a halo and wings.

His view of Brain as a good person can be explained further when we consider that he doesn't mind being bopped (and in some interpretations, downright enjoys it), can shrug off any verbal abuse, and clings onto any snippets of warmth he receives from Brain. The things others would raise their eyebrows at are things Pinky ignores or adores. I think it's safe to say that, overall, Pinky is the type to focus on his friend's positive traits and simply ignore most of the negatives, as seen in "Pinky's Plan" when he gives an extremely sugarcoated description of Brain to the world leaders. Because of all this, in Pinky's mind, Brain truly is an angel. It's bittersweet, really.

And here we have it again. Brain on the throne, ruling. This is all Pinky truly wants—for his friend to be happy, fulfilled and at peace, making whatever world he may rule a better place. There's not an awful lot more to say now, since this is just a repeat of the scene from Brain's fantasy, but I think that's the most heartwarming part. These two mice are working towards the exact same goal, and yet their reasons for doing so are quite different: Brain to rule the world, Pinky to make his friend smile. It's almost poetic in its simplistic beauty. The voice actors said it best when they described the show as a "desperate love story", and the little scenes like this only prove that to me.

Welp, that's all I have to say for now! I haven't reached this hard since I tried to get to the chromatica oreos on the top shelf in Tesco. But this was fun, anyway! Thank you ever so much for reading :'D Your patience must be incredible! 💕

#pinky and the brain #patb

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idontwanttospoiltheparty · 3 years ago

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sometimes i wonder what would have happened if john and cyn had made it work. not in a "yoko broke up the beatles" kind of way, because she didn't, but because cynthia was - outside of the other band members and, like, mal - the only person who really *knew* john from before he was famous. she knew him as a person, an actual person and not an idea of a person shaped by the world's expectations and projections, and when he left her it seemed like he cut the last tether on his "real" life and let himself float away into the raging waters of fame and let it have its way with him.

and sometimes i just wonder if he needed that tether and would have been happier and healthier for it. or maybe he needed it to be cut. it's hard to know. but suddenly there's a lot of john and cyn on my dash and it's sad, it really is, because she was really important - to him, to the band, to The Beatles - and she didn't deserve to get cast aside quite like that. and i wonder what would have happened if she hadn't been.

Hey, anon, thanks for this thoughtful ask! I feel like people here sometimes dismiss Cynthia's role in John's life simply because in some, if not many respects, Paul had precedence over her. Also probably cause the way he treated her in the end was endlessly shitty and by all accounts less justified than his treatment of Paul, and I think mayhaps some people here just want to avoid thinking about that.

I'm sure John was increasingly unhappy with his late 66-67 lifestyle, which from what I can tell consisted mostly of moping around Kenwood, getting high and dropping acid as often as possible and waiting for Paul to show up and get him to write a little. I feel like he sort of projected his boredom, which in my opinion was clearly linked to depression, onto Cynthia. She, like Paul (and tbf like Yoko, in the sense that she was more likely to actively encourage his more erratic behaviour), just didn't really know how to get through to him effectively and help him. I think that made him feel very lonely and abandoned, which is understandable. But you're right that she did see him as a person and though I think she wasn't the greatest at helping him, she was pretty good at understanding him. Years later, she would pretty accurately identify his life as sad when not many others did.

Sorry I'm going off on a tangent. I don't think the relationship with Cynthia was especially romantically/sexually fulfilling to him in the end, so I think in that sense breaking up with her was fair (though of course not the gross way he went about it). His real mistake IMO was cutting her (and Julian) out of his life entirely. Dismantling his family to start anew with Yoko does to me seem to have detached him from anything resembling normality.

Sorry anon, I'm starting to draw a blank but I'd actually love to talk more about John and Cyn. Their story is sad but it's I think a pretty important part of the Beatles narrative as a whole. (I find it interesting that I see very few blogs who are interested in John/Cyn, John/Paul AND John/Yoko, where especially the John/Cyn fans don't engage much in talking about the other two)

#ask #anon #john #cynthia #jc #analysis

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bestbonnist · 3 years ago

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Chapter 152.1

I’m not sure this is obvious unless you look at the raws, but this chapter’s title and Chapter 151’s title are matching. “Tsuna gu mono” and “igyou no mono” both have the word for “something” in the same place. It makes this title feel like a direct response to the four weeks of build up to seeing Mizuha again. The "thing that connects" her to her friends has been warped. Maybe this is an easy connection to make and I'm just being pretentious as usual.

Tonari's pain in the ass song makes her seem childish, even though she’s still trying to maintain an adult persona. In the short time we saw her, she expressed the idea that Fushi’s such a child that she, their mature mentor figure, has to help them out. I’m pretty sure it’s to cover up she actually worries about them just because she loves them, but even so Tonari restricting her role in Fushi’s life to cleaning up after them is demeaning for both of them.

By the way I am absolutely going to take a decent chunk of this post to talk about Tonari even though she did practically nothing. Because I love her. But first: you can see that Bon's been discarding his shit here too. The macarons and tea set are definitely his.

Twice now we’ve had Tonari’s point of view as she thinks about Fushi while they’re meeting with the left hand. It’s to show the contrast between two people who like Fushi (Mizuha and Tonari), obviously, but also going way back to the Jananda arc, Tonari was the only one who tried to save Fushi when they pretended to go with Hayase. Right now, they've gone off with one of her successors, but Tonari's not going to save them because she doesn't want to be controlling like Hayase. She's matured, but not in a good way! Her childish selfishness (for lack of a better word; basically the freedom to do what she wants) was what let her foil Hayase's plans way back in the day, but she can't do that anymore because she already tried to take an active role in Fushi's life, and it didn't work out. It’s like the timing was off, and now that Mizuha is actually an issue, Tonari’s worried about Fushi, and there are weapons right in front of her, she's not going to do anything. It furthers the feeling that things were supposed to play out a certain way, but they've gotten twisted somehow (like the present era being a subversion of the concepts introduced in the previous era on purpose, not like Ooima accidentally fucked the story up).

Mizuha, by the way, is absolutely living selfishly. She has what she's always wanted: someone who dotes on her and exists only to fulfill her desires. Obviously this is not a healthy relationship, which is what Mizuha truly wants. I've said this before, but Mizuha won't conceptualize a relationship with two people who are equals, because she's never seen one. The closest she got was trying to convey to Hanna way back when she ran away from home that Hanna was special to her with the feather hair-tie. Mizuha's character deterioration my beloved.

Literally eating Fushi is fulfilling Hayase’s wish to “become one with them” by technicality. If you've read Chainsaw Man, you know what I mean. But although Mizuha possesses Fushi in a materialistic way, she doesn't have what she needs, the immortality part. It would be easy for her to just ask Fushi to make her immortal, and they would agree, but as Mizuha says in this chapter, she doesn't trust them. Why should she leave her most important dream in someone else's hands when she can do it herself?

And then Fushi's response, that there's no real Fushi... Unfortunately this explains how Fushi could agree to let Gugu live with them forever and then jump at their first chance to get themselves killed like his determination means nothing to them. Overriding other people's decisions because they think that they can do better is something Fushi does a lot. Reread the last sentence in the previous paragraph please... yeah. They're just as selfish as Mizuha, in their own way.

Like Tonari says here, regardless of what Fushi does, their friends' wishes will come to pass. Even March and Eko can live on their own and rely on people better equipped to help them grow, like Mimori and their tutor. Fushi's been thinking of themselves like a tool they can use to help their friends, but that tool isn't necessary anymore. So there's no reason for them to stay.

Fushi's response to Mizuha's request, and the fact that eating them isn't enough to become immortal, really emphasizes how difficult it is to pin Fushi down. Unlike Tonari and Satoru, and presumably the knockers, their personality isn't affected if their vessel changes. It remains constant, which is actually pretty special if you think about it. Even if the knockers have one of their bodies, their self isn't affected at all, although their memories are. They're real, like Mizuha says, they can carry a conversation, but everything that makes them them is intangible. This is why the knockers have been having so much trouble finding out "where Fushi's life is located."

Even though Mizuha would probably say she's freer than she's ever been, she's physically trapped inside the Defense Corps. base, and her hair in this chapter is completely black even though her mother's has its usual shine. Funny how her hair only loses its luster after she casts aside the people she was afraid would make her dull. Besides that, it also looks like she’s unwell. I mean, physically unwell. She's always been mentally unwell. The overall vibe is that her depression has actually gotten worse.

About the reason given for why she's being kept underground: it's been hinted that the knockers now want to bring Paradise to humans instead of the other way around. This is exactly what Fushi wishes for as well, so it's possible that this meeting will turn into a negotiation between the Defense Corps. and Fushi about how to collaborate and create a perfect world. But like I said earlier, Fushi's realized that humans will help each other and make a happy world without their interference. It's not impossible to convince them, because we've seen pretty clearly that they're married to the idea of proving themselves to Mizuha, and they change their mind a lot, but it really depends on how the left hand/Mizuha approaches this.

For the majority of this chapter, Fushi was just parroting things they’d heard from someone else. It's especially blatant when they do this with Mizuha, but they do it practically all the time to everyone. Even this trip to find Mizuha in the Defense Corps. headquarters was based on Fushi's assumption that what worked with Fuuna would work with her.

This is one of the reasons Mizuha says nothing they say rings true. You can sort of think of Fushi as a collection of experiences they've had since they took on Johann's form, that just recites the stuff it knows. An oversimplification, yeah, but that's how Fushi thinks of themselves, and it affects how they interact with the world around them. It's funny, all the blocks they've put up to try and prevent themselves from feeling negative emotions are preventing them from connecting with other people. Rather hypocritical of Mizuha to call them out on this, seeing as one of her expectations after achieving immortality is that she'll stop feeling like shit all the time and be able to make friends easily.

By the way, Mizuha herself has a habit of speaking in riddles and half-truths, but she’s never technically lied, as far as I can tell. She values honesty, but as Saki said, she never says what she really means. For comparison, Fushi has lied to her a genuinely impressive amount since they met. And Tonari has been brutally honest. Thanks to Izumi's knocker, Mizuha knows that the Defense Corps. will accept her unconditionally, and as such she doesn't fear the repercussions of acting on her desires, meaning that she doesn't bother mincing words anymore. We saw this in Chapter 146.1 when she kissed Hanna and told her straight (ha) that she liked her, but she almost immediately reverted in Chapter 146.2 when she ran back to Fushi, and couldn't tell them what was wrong. That was because she hadn't had a lot of time to sit with her newfound confidence before confronting Fushi and Hanna, so she ended up cracking pretty quickly when pushed.

When it comes to herself, however, Mizuha has probably become a liar. In this chapter, she kept the conversation focused on Fushi's faults with blunt statements, and avoided their questions about her true feelings. The opposite of Tonari, who's now honest with herself but doesn't share her private thoughts with anyone anymore (another reason why the two of them are foiling each other within the narrative, but not practically).

I’m so glad Fushi having only cried once is actually getting covered in the manga. We’ve never seen them crying and I assumed it was a small mercy from the Beholder, but I also thought Fushi having never cried being something that marks them as the individual “Fushi” instead of a quirk of someone else’s body would be really cool. I mean, their other bodily functions work fine. But what Mizuha's implying is that this makes them less human. This is bullshit and she knows it, but she's still deliberately provoking them because even though Fushi said they don't exist like a page ago, they still get upset at the idea that they appear less than human. God was created in man's image and all that.

Mizuha is so obviously manipulating Fushi but because she/the left hand knows them so well there's nothing they can do. Like how they couldn't act against Mimori's knocker because of a moral loophole even though it was so obviously not doing anything good. They’re trying to rise to her challenge but in the end they’re doing what she wants anyways. I pretty much got my answer and Fushi will probably die. They've decided earning Mizuha’s approval is more important than returning to their friends, and to earn that approval, they’re going to have to use their own words. That would be a lot easier if the few times they tried to reach out to Mizuha about things that they found exciting, she hadn't shut them down. Fushi taking off the rope was a signal that they're willing to do whatever it takes to get Mizuha to listen to them, but also that they're releasing themselves from everything holding them back from saying what they want.

The different directions in Fushi and Mizuha's character development can be summarized like this: if Fushi's learned that having to ask someone not to hate them probably means that they should reassess what they've done to make that person hate them, Mizuha's learned not to ask for forgiveness at all. Why should she? She's convinced that she must be right. And Fushi's learned that they're always wrong.

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adventure-hearts · 5 years ago

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want to know your thoughts on sora's decision to not take part in battles/fighting anymore. do you agree with her decision? based on the spoilers, it's said that she is the only one not to lose her consciousness & taken to menoa's neverland. the spoilers also said that sora & piyomon do nothing at all. for me, i'm ok if sora & piyomon are excluded since it is her decision & i respect that.

It took me a while to answer this question, because I wanted to know the actual contents of the movie and the novel, rather than form an opinion based on spoilers alone.

I think now I have enough data to answer!

First, of course I’m disappointed that Sora does nothing in the actual film. By nothing, I mean fuck all. In the novel, except for the sequence that is directly taken from the short film and not part of the film, Sora has basically a cameo. She doesn’t appear in the Neverland sequence, and although she is the first to lose her partner, her reaction is not shown or addressed. I’m not surprised by this (it’s inevitable that some characters will be ignored when you have a 12-member cast), but it’s still a sad development for the character.

Than being said, the short was lovely and it did make up for the crappy treatment Sora got in Kizuna! Of course Sora’s exclusion was made to serve the format of the movie and the reality of now having 14 main characters, but I’m really grateful that they managed to find a thoughtful, organic explanation for why she isn’t there. (Unlike the previous films.)

I think the most important thing to take from Sora’s decision is that it’s a massive step for the character. Sora is someone who has lived her entire life under other people’s expectations, doing what was supposed to do rather than what she really wanted. (Supressing her will until it comes out as anger or rebellion). She didn’t chose to be born as iemoto Crown Princess. She sure as hell didn’t decide to become a Chosen Child. But, nevertheless, until now, she accepted those roles and fulfilled them to the best of her ability.

It’s clear that Sora was under pressure from both sides, and that neither activity would be necessarily her first choice.

Being a Chosen and fighting was clearly hard on Sora. Already in Adventure, you start to see that she crumbles under the pressure to do well and to fulfill her role in the group. She isn’t like Taichi and Yamato, who get energized by being in the centre of battle, or like Koushirou, who thrives from finding solutions to these problems.

Let’s not underestimate the amount of emotional labor Sora had to perform as a Chosen Child all the freaking time, meaning she basically had to deal with everyone else’s emotional troubles in addition to her own. Moreover, apart from the general traumatic experience that was the whole 1999 experience and other battles since then, Sora had some terrible shit happening to her during their adventures, the type of things than can probably cause long-term trauma and fear:

being kidnapped (and almost cloned) by an evil Digimon;

watching her best friend die in front of her eyes not once but twice;

being assaulted by Mystery Man (a teenage girl being pinned down and licked by a grown ass man… how else are you supposed to read that???)

being separated from Piyomon a bunch of times;

literally falling into a dark cave;

constantly having to suppress her negative feelings because her job is to keep everyone safe and motivated plus a constant sense that her friends don’t really do the same for her;

etc etc etc

Can anyone blame Sora for wanting to be a normal girl after 10 years of being some kind of child soldier?

As for Ikebana, it isn’t that Sora doesn’t like it. In fact, it was shown that initially she was only rejecting it because of troubles in her relationship with her mother, and she actually came to enjoy it.

The problem is the pressure that comes along with it. The short illustrates this beautifully — Sora has to dedicate all her time to Ikebana, because she doesn’t want to produce anything unworthy of a Grand Master’s daughter, and she still feels she isn’t good enough. Trying to succeed in something while being under he constant shadow of a parent who’s excellent at it is never easy.

Over all, the feeling I got from the short is that Sora is approaching it out of a sense of duty and it is not longer fun, or even rewarding, for her. Especially if it means that, after graduating from college, she was supposed to go straight into the Ikebana business, which won’t let pursue her own dreams, the things she truly wanted to do and won’t even reveal to Piyomon...

So: Sora’s reasoning was perfectly understandable and it shows both self-awareness and courage. It’s literally Sora doing something she never does: putting herself first. Choosing do to things her way, rather than out of a sense of responsibility or obligation for others.

It doesn’t even come across as “Sora sitting out while her friends suffer”, because before she can try to help, the consequence of her decision is that Piyomon disappears (another cruelty resulting from being a Chosen Child, which Sora will have to deal with later…).

Sora retiring is unfortunate for us fans, since it means that she will probably never get centre stage again if any future installments ever happen. But, on the other hand, it’s the start of her building a great, independent future and why the Epilogue shows her as happy and fulfilled woman.

#asks #kizunaspoilers #dalek #takenouchi sora #Kizuna shorts

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system-of-a-feather · 2 years ago

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Hi! I hope it’s okay that I’m looking for some advice? I’m not sure if you do that sort of thing or if you could maybe point me to a blog that does?

TLDR- I’m a singlet with romantic/sexual relationships with both alters of a 2-part system. My partner who does not play a host role is feeling invisible and hopeless, and I’m not sure if there’s anything I can suggest that would help.

Longer story: Fox and Badger are headmates. Fox hosts and is a Nerd with lofty career goals. She’s getting a masters degree and will pursue a Ph.D. She has nerdy friends, including me and our other (singlet) partner. She’s been working really hard on processing her side of the trauma and tending to both her health and the health of the body.

Badger is not like that. She dropped out of high school, was in a gang, is an active alcoholic, feels constantly inferior to Fox and is pretty angry about it although she handles her anger better now than she used to. She doesn’t consider herself to have any role in their system and I think she mostly feels like she has to stay out of the way so she doesn’t mess things up for Fox. (I’ve seen her play a protector role in the past, but she denies it). She flat out refuses to talk to a therapist and has, until recently, avoided talking about any of her feelings at all.

I consider both of them to be my partners and people I care about deeply. Badger mentioned to me recently that she’s feeling bummed because they’re off at grad school surrounded by people who don’t know she exists and who she doesn’t have anything in common with anyway. I’ve previously suggested that maybe she could have a hobby that’s just hers or make some friends separately, but it’s tricky because her memories of things she likes are mostly either dangerous or illegal. I think it’s especially hard because it’s just the two of them, so it’s not like she even has companionship internally. Fox is also terrified of disclosing their DID diagnosis due to a history of past abuse when she did.

I know it’s not my job or place to “fix” the situation, but I’m wondering if you knew anyone who had a similar situation and could talk about what helped them to move towards happiness/fulfillment? I think everyone involved is just at a total loss of what could even help

Sup, I'm not actually sure where this will fall in the final response so keep that in mind when reading since I'm responding first and might not appear as the first response cause I'm pretty sure Riku actually is intending to like try to get multiple parts / perspectives on this since this is something we have a looooot of similar experiences with, but like this is a huge mood for me ngl 😂 Badger's position in this is really a relatable situation for me and another part / subsystem that's been around some of the longest

And honestly, my input and advice isn't going to be the best cause tbh I'm still too deep in it myself cause tbh, most of my skills, interests and cares in life are specifically suited to a dangerous trauma environment and nearly all the shit I like is heavily self destructive, unsafe, or problematic and I still don't fully really get where I fit into the system beyond with the dynamic I have with specific other parts and all that, so tbh I partially think for my own well being its best I try not to think about it too much else I might get caught in whatever depresso-anger that I got stuck in for a few years. Tbh XIV probably could give better perspective and view on it since he helped me out on that but like

I will say and offer some personal insight as a part that says FAT mood to Badger and is doing a little better all together but like; I think its really helpful and important to foster a reminder and environment that while shit done before and things that might "fuck things up" that they / you (to a reader in a similar place) did in the past were adaptive to the situation at hand and were something that was done to survive whatever situation you were in to the best of your ability for where you were at the time. That doesn't make you shit or bad or a burden or a waste of space or a part that just destroys and hurts things because even if those moved were objectively also harmful, they did get the system to where they are and to the life they currently have and got you to a point of survival. Like I don't know how to reframe that honestly into something good and nice moving forward cause like, I haven't reached that point in my shit and honestly, I've decided to mostly sit aside until we aren't working on large scale career steps and crap; but helping get that perspective of my "bullshit" being not this inherently bad thing and something that is part of the whole shit that got our system to where it is, it kinda helped some negative self talk lol

Not the most uber helpful but I like, had to add my two cents cause I know neither of the Riku Yin-Yang Duo understand it as personally and figured there might be something worth reading there. Idk just woke up ngl so I just kinda rambled and I honestly just ramble a lot anyways cause this is the Feathers lol.

Anyhow, whatever the Riku Yin-Yang Duo does with this is up to them. Hope this situation gets better and honestly best wishes to Badger cause I feel that and if you'd ever like to pass it on let her(?) know that she's not alone and massive solidarity sent from us / me.

-Aderis

-------------------

Look I was looking at the drafts and saw this and it is far to TLDR even for me, but if Aderis answered something and left it for one of us to answer and we forgot about it the LEAST I could do is like, post it lol. Sorry mom (not OP; Aderis, nickname cause shes an old maternal hag - her own words not mine). We have a disorder. I'm sure you'd understand.

-XIV

#alter: xiv #alter: aderis #ask #asks

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clarz-cc-archive · 3 years ago

Text

answered June 23, 2020

Q: That’s okay! I just really enjoy reading your takes and thoughts on bts related stuff and I agree! It makes me so warm and happy that though jinmin seem so different as people they get along so well ❤️ also another random question: I saw your cc to how jungkook also helped joon grow as a person (as opposed to joon helping jungkook), would you happen to have any thoughts on how bts (as a whole or any member) helped jin grow? (in response to, mentioned: cc about jungkook helping namjoon grow)

A: it's been nearly 2 months since you sent this but HERE I AM! what interests me about jin is that i feel like a large part of the persona he's built for himself is based around how he feels he can best care for others. like, i'm not sure if i can point to any one relationship or event within bts that helped to mold jin, but the very fact of being in bts absolutely molded jin's personality imo. like he was out of nowhere saddled with this responsibility of having to be a good hyung to all of these random boys, and also of having to deal with being the only member of bts who was street-cast and who wasn't already aiming to be a singer/rapper/dancer, so i think he really had to carve out his own role in the group and figure out how he fit in aside from just being The Handsome One, and when he talks about the process of doing that, and his own personality, he so consistently frames it as like, him wanting to figure out how to make the people around him feel happy and calm and cared-for. he came to an understanding of what makes him feel happy and fulfilled by trying to make other people feel happy and by trying to lighten their burdens, and that's so cool and special. i don't know how much the other members actively prompted that, i think it was more something jin did within himself, but the very fact of their existence made it happen, and i really love how they all seem to go out of their way to praise jin and to let him know that he's loved and valuable and that they see his improvements as a performer (seriously, that boy has leveled the FUCK up over the years and i love that they tell him so bc he deserves that praise) and that they notice his hard work.

#bangtan #meta #seokjin

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captainkirkk · 7 years ago

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ok so. so so so. this will be a long message, because frick on a stick there is so much i want to tell you and thank you for. so brace yoself: i read history has its eyes on you only yesterday, but i've been desparately rereading it ever since, almost non-stop, because holy macaroni if this fic ain't one of the most perfect stories these tired eyes have ever seen. i love SO MANY THINGS i'm not sure where to even start, gosh. okay. okay. let's start at the beginning. (1/?)

WEEPS. You sent me A DOZEN messages, bless you? And thank you!!!

This ask and my response got long, so I’m putting it under the cut. There’s a bunch of headcanons about the ‘see it all in bloom’ universe in here, so if you’re interested, keep reading.

your headcanons regarding class 3-a’s rise to fame/the july attacks/deku’s leap in the limelight as future number one, i adore it all. it makes sense, it’s exciting even if we don’t get to see it on the page word-for-word/in real time, and it’s inspiring too! but most of all, it fits them all so well – they deserve to be written as great heroes and i’m beyond happy you gave that to them in your story – to ALL of them, including shinsou. cookies for you. (2/?)

secondly, the rankings you picked for them – deku as no.1 of course, and katsuki ACTUALLY BEING CONTENT WITH SECOND PLACE, EFF YEAH! and shouto at no.4, holding neither all might’s nor his father’s former ranks, i appreciate the heck out of this. just… all the kids becoming awesome heroes and having wonderful, fulfilling careers just like they’ve always wanted, i’m here for this and i’m here to STAY. (3/?)

thirdly, katsuki’s character. i will be the first person in this fandom to admit my intense dislike of him, but you’ve written him in exactly the way i’ve always wanted him to turn out – significantly less jaded, noticeably more humble (and sane…), actively working to correct the mistakes of his past by becoming an advocate for quirkless kids and participating in anti-bullying campaigns (as an ex bully-victim, reading this made me want to kiss you) with deku, that felt sweet on the soul (4/?)

and also being married to kirishima, of course. DUH. speaking of which, the ships! THE SHIPS! ALL. MY. FAVOURITE. SHIPS. they were all there, they all got attention, and i love you all the more for it. tododeku especially. i just love how tenderly yet comfortably they were written. in my mind, they’ve always felt like the couple that will get the happily-ever-after kind of romance, like two souls mated in a fairy tale come to life. and they, above all others, deserve that everlasting joy (5/?)

and the parts with toshinoti, how he’s dealing with his new(-ish?) lifestyle and the world is spinning on without him, but also taking care of him, because he’s more than earned it – how all his former friends and students have become family to him and are so eager to remain an active part of his life, how he helps bakugou with teaching (for dummies ;P) and is so painfully proud of deku, it was all so deeply touching and heartwarming, i loved every single one of his scenes to bits! (6/?)

the writing was wonderful forma purely technical point as well: there were some typos but nothing serious, and it all flowed quickly yet smoothly – you stylde felt simple and dynamic, but also somehow profound, perhaps precisely because of its simplicity. i still can’t put my finger on it. i just know i loved it. your ocs were a great addition too! their personalities felt distinct and they left good impressions without overstaying their welcome in a class 3-a-centred story, top job! (7/?)

the whole domestic feel of the fic was wonderful as well! it felt like a true slice-of-life piece, even though the lives in question are filled with action and danger. you captured the nature of the balance between working your (adventurous and stardom-speckled) dream job and living your private life/spending quality off-time with friends very accurately. the final excerpt (the description of the photo) left a sweetly nostalgic sense buzzing in my chest. just… thank you for this story. (8/?)

and now that i’m done singing your praises, time for the payback! i adore this verse, and therefore i naturally have questions. first and most importantly, the tododeku relationship development. could you tell me when and how they got together in this verse, how that whole tidbit with suing endeavour went, and when and how exactly they got engaged? i assume it’s in the 5 months leading up to the reunion, but details please? future wedding details too? give me ALL THE DETAILS. (9/?)

then, ranking details! we know deku’s no.1, bakugou’s no.2, and shouto’s no.4, but the fic mentions the class currently has 6 members in the top 10. who are the rest, and who’s the number 3 hero? please tell me it’s momo. PLEASE. also, have their ranks changed since the time they graduated, or have they remained the same for the last 7 years (i.e. deku’s always been no.1 ever since he entered the ranklist, shouto’s always been no.4, etc.)? and what’s shinsou’s rank? (10/?)

what about teaching details? where’s nedzu if aizawa’s principle? is shinsou a part-time teacher or a guest lecturer? does bakugou now do teaching full time, or does he only do homeroom for one class and keeps hero-ing in the meantime? will he even remain in the ranklist if he stops fighting villains? will he even care? and on a less-related note, are bakushima the only married couple? and when did they get married? was deku best man? my shameless curiosity demands to know everything (11/?)

finally, in case i haven’t tormented you enough, i wanted to ask, how do you envision our heroes’ futures? we know they’re only 25 in the story, and tododeku are about to soon get married. and bakushima are married already, bakugou’s switching careers, yada yada. but if you had to plot a course for the rest of class 3-a’s lives, what would it look like? all might mentioned grandchildren, but would tododeku want that? and where even was/is kouda in this entire fic? xDDD thank you!!! (12/12)

Again: thanks for the comments! I’m so glad you enjoyed this.

The next ‘in bloom’ instalment will focus on Bakugou becoming involved in anti-bullying campaigns. I’m with you, Bakugou makes me very uncomfortable in canon, but occasionally we get these glimpses of character development (esp in the manga), and I just needed to bring that out and expand on it.

And there will always be typos in my work, unfortunately. I don’t have a beta, and I’m a dumb-ass who always misses my errors. I do my best, but I am only human.

I won’t give you all the details (partly because I don’t have this universe entirely mapped out yet), but you can have some answers:

TodoDeku have a long engagement. They were engaged before we see them in ‘history…’ actually. They’re in no rush, and are very busy with their work lives, and are enjoying the blissfully engaged lifestyle. They’ve been engaged for about a year, and they have some vague plans, but nothing concrete. At the moment, they’re debating the merits of getting married somewhere private in the city vs. getting married on Toshinori’s estate. I’m not sure which one will win out.

Their rankings have changed A LOT! When he officially entered the rankings when he was 19, Deku only ended up no. 20, because it had been over a year since the July Attacks, and he hasn’t actually done much since then, being busy with exams/graduating/entering a hero agency. A lot of people were upset by this, but it didn’t bother Deku. He was ecstatic to scrap into the Top 20 as it was.

Sorry, no. 3 belongs to Inasa (from the manga). The top 10 has changed a lot, too. There’s actually seven 1a heroes in the top 10 - Uravity was No. 11 but got a jump in popularity recently. In order: Deku, Detonation, Gale (Inasa), Polarise, unnamed number 5, Creati, Red Riot, Ingenium, an unnamed number 9, and Uravity.

Shinsou is rankless. He’s an underground hero, and I headcanon that those types of heroes are not typically assigned ranks.

Shinsou has his own role at UA. He does a bunch of stuff: watches the entrance exams, works with some of the Gen. Ed kids, oversees possible transfers between courses, and does guest lectures. Aizawa gives him a lot of independent power.

Bakugou co-teaches Class 1-B. He occasionally guest lecturers other classes (like how Thirteen worked one-off with 1-A during the USJ attack). He has enough time to do hero work too, but he has a less intense work-load now that he’s also teaching.

Kirishima and Bakugou are the only married couple at the moment. They got married when they were 23, before TodoDeku had gotten engaged. They were the first couple to start dating in high school, too. They just … clicked, and never looked back.

Do you mean Kouda or Kouta? Kouda is probably off running a rescue animal shelter while doing minor hero work, too. Kouta is doing amateur film work and arguing with classmates when they don’t believe that he knows pro heroes irl.

I almost wrote Jirou and Momo announcing their engagement at the reunion, but at that point, I had been writing the fic for months, and I needed to upload it before I combusted. So. Yeah. They get engaged around the end of the fic.

I haven’t thought too hard about kids but … I can’t get the image of Kiri/Baku adopting an orphaned girl when they’re in their 30s, and Bakugou ringing up Midoriya to ask him to be the godfather, and Midoriya CRYING FOR HOURS. HOURS. He catches the train over at like 11pm, still in his pjs, still crying, and all over twitter there’s pics of Deku crying into a phone, sparking all kinds of terrible rumours, until he uploads a photo of him cradling his goddaughter in his arms a few hours later.

I also have more headcanons in my history verse tag, if you’re curious. Thanks again!

#history verse #ask #curiousbluepencil

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