#I'm sorry that's all im going to be able to think about
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Thank you for your rant posts on DAV. They’ve been cathartic to read as they echo so many of my own issues with the game and how it treats its own lore and insults its fanbase. I feel stupid for caring about the oppression of mages and elves given how they sanitized and wrote out these cornerstones of the Thedas setting and it sucks! Im glad I’m not alone.
I had very little hope for this game given its mess of a dev cycle and how the company has bled talent, I thought it would be a very messy narrative as a result. And it is! But it’s worse, because it’s not just messy, it commits the greatest cardinal sin of writing: it’s boring.
I think you nailed it. I'm at the same point as you, especially as someone who's huge into DA lore and the intrauniverse sociopolitics, as well as the expected (foolishly) aspect of your deeds mattering, either positively or negatively.
I have a whole ass Inquisitor who can now stop feeling bad in his steppe-sky burial about his indecisiveness during his tenure as an Inquisitor: BECAUSE NONE OF IT MATTERED ANYWAY. 'Oh, you delayed some suffering for like, what, 7 years? 7 years is nothing when you're doomed anyway. I can already hear the argument "but what you do even in short term matters, too."
Yes, in real life. But I don't do RPGs for real life. I play RPGs to be able to fantasise about doing a bit more than I can do in real life.
On top of it just about everybody being so blasé about what's going on. This is the worst blight ever, two actual gods are loose, but here we are at the dinner table, arguing about Taash' mom being a strict, traditional jerkass and Bellara joining the list of people who hate themselves for having ADHD, and holding her hand through it. Boring.
Veilguard commits another sin: everybody blames themselves for everything, but it either gets fixed for them, or they're feeling sorry and do the thing they feel so sorry about anyway.
My kingdom for a character who can go 'it is what it is, I'm not perfect, but I'm not sorry for existing and having an impact on this world, especially if the impact is caused by something I couldn't really control; all that matters is what we do next.' Which would open up the world at wide: tackling things that make your personal issues microbial in comparison. These people don't have the luxury of crying into their chicken soup. Not to say these things can't be addressed, but in Dragon Age, characters are supposed to support the overarching plot and the worldbuilding. Instead, the world puts itself on hold until you've solved Lucanis' granny issues or whatever.
If you've ever watched campaign 3 of Critical Role, that series has the same issue. The cast is made up of people who by and large have no real connection to the world or the overarching plot, and a large part of the viewerbase has come down onto the same idea: if the characters don't really care and only keep reacting, and reacting with quippiness and laughs and occasional 'oh no, that's bad, right? Anyway,'... why should we care?
Why should I care? Because everything I cared about as a player has been deleted, and the cast of Veilguard is mostly just dicking around until the plot reminds them that hey: we have the worst apocalypse going on since Solas deleted Elvhenan. Can we like... react more to it? We can do the therapy sessions later when people have stopped dying.
Disclaimer: I fully acknowledge that I'm going off on a tangent and I'm most likely projecting and reading into it too much/not reading into it enough. But that's the problem. Most players will play it once. You can't rely on subsequent playthroughs to make someone care.
Worst part is, companions aren't even boring. They're just miscast for this particular plot, exacerbated by what BW did to all the established lore. The tonality of the game itself and its place in DA canon is just wack.
I'm likely being incredibly unfair, but there's something to investigate here, because if you've failed to bring players into the lore and invest themselves in such numbers, it isn't just Mari here talking shit, it's a wider problem. Lest we forget, your fiction, your work stops being 'only yours' the moment you publish it and allow people play with your toys. The author is king, but the author is only the king of their own version of their story. The moment it's read and played by many, it's not just your story anymore, it's everybody's, who's engaging with it.
God dammit my English literature and language degree is catching up with me, I've turned into That Guy. Uck.
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hi hello gals and gays. Here is a rare wav from me struggling with the flu. The virus has mainly been in my chest but my entire body is so wrecked I was able to induce super easily. No talking bc I’m literally unable to 😭 Do not listen if you can't stand harsh coughing because it gets a bit rough. If it sounds a bit weird the first half of the recording is from yesterday and the second half is from today, bc the coughing is so much worse in the second half lmao. Ok that's it thankkk you for feeding me so good lately tumblr love u all <3
also personal rant about ableism and intentional contagion in the comments :///
#ok like I haven't been this sick in literal years and cuz im disabled i'm super mindful of spreading germs to others.#and i've had some family staying with me so I was like great leave me here to rot in my cave guys#my partner has been rlly attentive and is like i don't care about germs tehe so yesterday he comes into my room#and gives me a bunch of kisses on my head then swoops in and kisses me ON THE MOUTH#like im sorry i've been lying in a pool of feverish sweat for days and can hardly breathe what part of that makes someone go ooo gimme?#like ya hes just trying to love me but i put so much effort into being clean and now i will feel really guilty when he gets sick#sorry not sorry intentional contagion is not cute or sexy at all its just irresponsible#like i would love to live the life where my body works so well that I don't give a second thought to KISSING someone with the flu#i just feel like able bodied people never think about what its like living with a disability or a chronic illness#or have the slightest inclination of how privileged they are#my partner isn't even a fetishit he is just a dumbass#but ya i just wish he and the general population would think more :/#snzblr#snz#illness kink#snzfucker#snz wav#snzzzzz#snz blog#anyway thats all do what u want with my horn post
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every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space
i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !
#i inserted [disabled person] because they used a fucking slur instead and i didn't want that in my post#like i feel like there should be room for disabled people like me whose lives literally entirely depend on accessing said >#> extremely limited benefits in conversations about whether voting in this election makes you complicit in genocide#which like! i do understand. i do. it's nauseating to think about what this shit ass country is doing. it's horrific. i do not blame anyone#> for not wanting to be a part of that. *and* i am also terrified for my own life because i remember the first time trump won it suddenly >#> became IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to get on benefits. EVER. and so many disabled ppl i know went to renew benefits theyd had for decades >#> just to be denied. one of whom was a below-the-neck paraplegic. he died because he lost those benefits!!! because trump won#i really do understand why people dont feel right voting for harris. or why they don't vote at all. i truly do. but holy shit i am so scare#and yes! i am aware that people in palestine and gaza are suffering so much worse. and i wish i could change that#but every single person in power in the US is pro-israel and eagerly drinking the anti-palestine kool-aid. no matter who wins >#> things will not change in that part of the world. and it is infuriating. when the revolution comes this will change. but it hasnt.#the revolution will not save me as a physically disabled person. it will not save any of us. we do not matter to leftists. i am sorry but >#> this is the one thing i have learned after being in leftist spaces for over 10 years. and posts like the one i mentioned prove it#so i am very sorry. i really am. for being physically disabled. but i cannot survive another 4 years relying on my parents for everything#if trump wins i will be killing myself. this is a promise. i cannot do that again#i know it makes me a bad person to be afraid that harris will lose. but people on the left already think i'm a bad person for being disable#i want the genocide to stop. i absolutely do. i also want to survive. i am terrified that the US leftists will sacrifice disabled people#like me so they can feel good about being put in a real life trolley situation#again. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. i wish i was a better person. i wish i was able to give more. i know that if i was just a good#person i would be able to have a job and give to every palestinian gofundme on my dash. i would be able to do more than my daily clicks >#> and reaching out and calling representatives that don't care. if i was a good person i would be able to convince my parents that z*onism>#is deeply fucking racist. and that israel is wildly racist and killing palestinians for fun. if i was a good person i would be able to make#>them leftists too. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry im not good enough. im sorry that im scared. im so scared and it's not right for me to be#when so much worse is going on because of this countrys bloodlust. im sorry that im benefiting from being born here i dont want to be#im sorry for not having any other options. if i was a good person i know i would have them. im sorry. god im sorry im so fucking sorry
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i Love pkmn but i love it as a worldbuild. when i play the game its just bc i like exploring the world and the critters. and i feel like everyone else who likes pkmn are all ppl who Love the games and competitive parts of it. so i feel a little embarrassed about not being a game-lover and competition-lover... i simply enjoy the world and the silly creatures 😭😭
#i dont talk about pkmn very much outside of this space and even here i just talk abt Guz mostly#bc i always worry ppl are going to think im silly (derogatory) for not being a proper gamer fjdkdl#when i was a kid i was able to remember the pkmn names a lot more and i probably could've learned the type matchups#but i didnt have a chance to play the games (bc of abuse and misogyny lol) so i couldn't like... learn stuff as a kid when i actually-#-had a functional memory still 😭😭 once i hit 15 i started losing my memory capabilities#and i only started playing a little bit when i was 16 so rest in shit LOL#(also the misogyny thing is just that my brothers were allowed to play video games but i wasnt bc i was a girl lmfao)#I JUST FEEL EMBARRASSED i wish i could be a Gamer™ but I'm just. not good at it.#i Could be good if i rly put in a bunch of effort but like... i got better things to do and things i care about more sbdjdkl#AUUUGHHH sorry for this im just embarrassed all of a sudden abt this djfkdl#and also worry that ppl are going to expect me to be Good at this or smth but yall im rly not fjdkdl i just sort of brute force my way thru#all the battles and everything fnfkdl i use almost No strategy fjdkdl i prefer offensive moves over defensive moves even#its just... im not good at this stuff dhdkdl#dandy.cmd#dandy.exe#vent //
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y'know, i keep making a habit of swinging my bat at hornets nests, but i have to say i'm getting so, so tired of people complaining about shows not making perfect sense when they aren't even close to done. we're four episodes into this season of doctor who. we're four episodes into this season of bridgerton. and yet in both fandoms i keep seeing people whine that such and such didn't make sense or it wasn't explained all the way and by god you guys i think maybe explanations might come later in the season. this is something most viewers will recognize as being called a 'plot.'
#like maybe a tiny bit of media literacy... might save you#and if you think i'm being mean like. its okay if you don't get it at first. it's okay if you don't understand the themes. but maybe#instead of stamping your feet and saying this makes no sense and i hate what they're doing and and and#maybe you could try listening to other people's interpretations of things and you'll find that what the show is trying to tell you becomes#more clear! would you look at that. wild how that happens#like im sorry you're entitled to your opinions but calling things bad writing just because you don't quite get it or it doesn't resonate#with you personally... i don't think you should just say this was shitty and worthless#the examples im using are because both resonate with me btw. 73 yards was existential horror it was hill house and bly manor#(im going to write about this in another post btw bc it compels me so)#it was about the way fear of abandonment can haunt you how mental illness can haunt you how you feel like you can drive people away#just by being yourself (the Woman was Herself what caused ruby to be abandoned was Her it's about her feeling as though she was the cause#of everyone who left her even as a baby even the people who loved her most could decide to not love her at the drop of a hat)#colin bridgerton is masking and faking a personality because it has been proven that time and time again#being Himself is Wrong that he annoys people he makes himself into what people expect of him because he's tired of being abandoned too#his family ignores and does not reply to his letters this season PEN stopped replying to his letters#his brother was cruel to him for being a romantic his friends LAUGHED AT HIM for saying sex is meaningful to him and don't they feel lonely#his Fake Rake persona makes viewers cringe because! its!! fake!!! he's faking it! HE GETS CALLED OUT ON IT TWICE IN EP ONE#if you don't understand he's faking it then that's on you at that point! i don't know! maybe take a minute to sit in the discomfort and ask#why did this show make me react this way and do you think maybe it was on purpose#''73 yards was confusing'' do you think confusion may be one of the ways ruby feels about her abandonment?#there is a theme in all of her episodes so far is it ''badly written'' unclear to you or do you just refuse to think critically about it#txtly#and im sorry for tagging this its just for my blog i kinda wish they still didnt show up in tags if i tag them all the way at the bottom#[old lady ruby voice] ''i used to be able to tag things just for myself once upon a time''#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#doctor who#doctor who spoilers
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beaming everyone on the dashh with good brain day vibes!!! i hope that you all can remember to extend self-compassion to yourself whenever you're feeling down about something 💙
#lizzy speaks#the human brain works in such profound ways i think#lately i've been thinking about that post that was like 'you will always be your oldest friend take care of yourself'#it's definitely a sentiment i agree with and i appreciate how it emphasizes the importance of extending compassion to yourself#you wouldn't say such hurtful things to your friends right? (or at least i'd hope so)#so why would you say it to yourself?#you are your own friend too. and i think everyone has a beautiful soul within themselves. nurture it! water it! feed it good thoughts.#basically i wish everyone a 'i hope that your brain is not your own enemy but rather a friend that you can find comfort in'#things will work themselves out with time. there's beauty in life and you will find small delights to cherish!! i am manifesting it for u!!#and for those who find it difficult to transition from a self-critical mindset to one that's more compassionate and nonjudgmental#i truly think that with time you will be able to rewire your brain to be kinder to yourself. i'm proud of you for taking any first steps :)#there are times in which it feels counterintuitive to go against habits that feel hard-wired... but brains are very malleable littel guys-#with such a wonderful capacity for changing and learning new things. so i hope everyone can learn to be their own best friend!#not to undermine the importance of a support network ofc. that's good too and im all for that!! but i hope everyone remembers to be kind-#not only to others but also to themselves!! you're going to do great out there!! i love you all!!#ive just been thinking about this a lot... i needed to get it out there. you all shine so brightly!!! we shall be fine!!! have a good week!#sorry if this is out of nowhere but if there's anything about me you should know it's that i'm the 'hey dont cry 8 billion people on earth-#ok?' post. idk i just find great joy in knowing others are out there thriving and finding a daily delight yknow i love humanity!!
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"i'm not disabled" followed immediately by "i've got bad knees and a bad back" is certainly something to read 🤨 you know it doesn't have to be cripling for it to count, right...? it's not normal to be in pain after 15 minutes of standing. ableds can stand for, like, an hour at a time before they need to sit.
i know! i appreciate the concern, but i uh. dunno lol. genuinely i don't know. but i included the afaik ("i'm not disabled afaik" was the original phrase, though i'm not like mad at you for excluding it or anything) because i'm well aware that it's a possibility. it's hard to explain but there's a lot of little things that don't add up to much but are like. noticeable. like i would prefer to do most things sitting, if i could, as a matter of comfort. it would be easier for me. and walking isn't as bad as just standing. i've never been great at taking care of my body, and this has only gotten worse with time. it's hard for me to know what i should read as necessity and what i should read as preference, and how much weight to put on said preferences. like you said, i know it doesn't need to be "if i don't sit down i'm going to collapse" or anything, but where to draw that line between Definitely A Medical Thing That Affects Me More Than Other People and.. not that, i'm not sure. i kinda just thought i was a persistently slightly tired and low energy person, but it doesn't seem bad enough to be chronic fatigue, so...? is it related to the half-diagnosed. idk it's complicated depression (and yes in hindsight i probably should've counted that as disabling but whatever)? idk it's not a rabbit hole i've explored much at all is my point. but i know it's there and uh i guess this was sort of validating in a way anon so.. yeah? yeah👍
#also in reference to the pain after 15 mins of standing thing it's.. usually closer to discomfort than pain? but it's not Not pain either#it's often more like 'oh i should sit down. i wanna sit down. i should sit down' and it's not that frequent but it's like a status effect#and the frequent reminders are only after like 20-30 minutes#sometimes i don't even notice it and sometimes (if i'm bored lol) i'll notice it a Lot#this is not helped by my body being.. iffy at telling me what's going on. it's always too much or too little input with this guy#ahh that rascal. anyway#listen anon 1) uh sorry for going off like this idk if that's like. socially appropriate or whatever but i'm doing it anyway 2) if you've#got ideas i'm all ears. like off the top of your head not like. im not asking you to do research for an internet stranger ok#plus it feels weird saying i could be disabled when i have no idea what it would even be. i mean i think i'd believe someone else if they#said that but it's a classic rules for me and not for thee situation. still working on that#point is i got brain gunk for sure i just don't know how much of the body gunk is because of the brain gunk or smth else#like the possibly-probably autism definitely affects me physically i just don't know exactly what to do with that information#like. am i exhausted bc i'm overstimulated? is it the burn out? or is that a separate thing? or are they working together? etc#anyway yeah got caught vagueposting about my symptoms here's the deep dive no one wanted. for self indulgence purposes :v#no but i think about it a lot with posts like this bc i mean. would an able bodied person react THAT strongly to finding out shower stools#exist? probably not. but who knows for certain#....coming to the conclusion of. probably. maybe. but in what ways specifically? uh. i dunno. i just got them heavy limbs#might be a thyroid issue now that im looking into it. but again this is Not my area of expertise
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im thinking again
#ive been dealt the bad hand; the worse hand; the hand from the arm from the body#im just.....okay#Well aaaa its weird#nothing anyone says to me is to *me*#which is fair-- no one knows me. but i do wish i got it. i dont know#the passing of time is still my worst enemy#i love everyone so much. itssssssweird.#if youre following these posts and saw the last one: i think i am still gonna die soon. awwh man. i dunno#but i have no reason to go on truthfully and i dont feel like finding one#im tired and sad OK?#i do want an acknowledgement again#and if you're following these posts im going to do the same thing i did last time and talk to the three tumblr blogs:#1. hi. i really like you. i admit it. j think youre really cool and all. uh okay im supposed to ask a question so here; how are you? well i#hope. k dont know. i havent been reading up like i should be and as for the second blog im talking to here i also havent been reading up lik#e i should im very sorry. i will make that journal again though.#and third blog: hi!! i still have no clue how to do that one thing but youve really gotten me into the hypothetical idea of differences base#f off of like ...area. the thing you said about that one thing.! i javwnt been doing much about it but thinkin but you know thinkin is fun.#i do want to do reading on it but ive been very sad lately and i cannot be bothered#this is really fun talking to people like this. um#youre very cool blog one ive been becoming a big fan of you again#blog two.if you see this: i want you-- I'm sayin that to specify that I'm talking to you. but i dont. anyway: uh. oh no i forgot what i was#gonna say#okay here's to not talking to anyone particular:#i want to do drugs. its the only way ill be able to handle all this.but i... oh hey i have melatonin!!#hmmmmmm#idk#it just puts me to sleep and i hate sleeping cause im always having bad dreams-- both nightmares and just dreams that Suck-- but...... im#desperate.#okay im gonna take a normal dose and just keep it together i hope#I hate sleeping
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Hhhhhh why does it always have to take me six hours to transition into doing anything it's so frustrating I just wanna write that fanfic NOW or take the shower NOW or get out of bed NOW I don't want to spend half the day hyping myself up for it >:|
#vent#<- but not a truama dumping vent or anything#just frustrated with... executive dysfunction? I think that's what this is#idk im not diagnosed I haven't talked to any professionals or ND folks all I know comes from the internet#(namely youtube and instagram shorts/reels)#just me rambling#like legitimately the not being able to shower unless I hype myself up for three and a half days thing is so frustrating#esp when combined with the brain fart of “welp! did my shower don't have to worry about that anymore:)”#*continues not to worry about it for half a week and suddenly needs a shower again*#only exaggerating a little. I do struggle to get even weekly showers done sometimes#like I manage to scrape by but it's not easy for me#fully hate being undiagnosed thank you very much#and since the tone of this is probably kinda heavy/angry: don't worry about me or anything I'm currently happy and doing alright in my life#just wanted to vent a bit bc this is one thing that does bother me still#and it does kinda lead into other issues when life gets busier#like nlt being able to keep up with homework#but I'm good for now! I'm doing well :)#anyways. yes. sorry 'bout the ranting and rambling#gonna go do something fun now bye!
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#my intrusive thoughts don't make me Unloveable and disgusting#i say on repeat as my mind keeps thinking of the most vile disgusting things ever on this planet#how did this even get into my head and if I shared it would anyone want anything to do with me anymore#i don't want to keep this in my head but sharing it won't automatically stop it#but it will make others disgusted that those things could even be thought up in my mind wouldn't it#i feel. bad. and angry at myself. for even thinking of this.#i say I can't control it but the thoughts are in my mind. im still thinking it.#it's either pathetic that i can't control my own mind#or disgusting that I can think that and then subconsciously or something trick myself into thinking that it's not actually me.#and im sick and tired of all of these horrid thoughts but they aren't gonna go away soon#and hey it's usually not constant. im even able to (sorta terrifying considering what the thoughts are)#forget about it sometimes#so hey. can't be that bad right. ill push through it and be fine! im strong enough.#but I've said that multiple times before and it got worse and eventually was just a lie.#I'm horrible#sorry for the bother if anyone has to read these tags#i just. needed to think 'out loud' so to say
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they should invent a me that's good at everything i want to be good at. [thing from the addams family pokes out of a nearby box and hands me a piece of paper] thank you, thing. what's this...oh! why, it's a paper that says i have to be the one to do that for my future self! huh.
#bluebird.txt#post brought to you by IM FRUSTRATED AND ANNOYED BUT GRITTING MY TEETH AND KNOWING THAT I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FAIL IN THE LONG TERM#EVEN IF FUCK UP NOW YOU GOTTA FUCK UP A LOT BEFORE YOU GET ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE YOU WANNA BE#AND I'M DOING GREAT#AND ALSO I HAVE GENUINELY BEEN GOING THROUGH SO MUCH HEALTH SHIT RECENTLY THAT I LEGITIMATELY WAS COMPLETELY UNABLE TO THINK OF#ALMOST ANYTHING SCHOOL RELATED AT ALL CAUSING ME TO FORGET MULTIPLE ASSIGNMENTS AND BE LATE TO A MIDTERM#AND IT SUCKS BUT SOMETIMES THERE REALLY IS A GOOD REASON FOR WHY YOU COULD NOT DO AS MYCH AS YOU WANTED#AND MAYBE YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO AS MUCH AS YOU WANT AT ONCE#BUT TAKE IT SLOWLY AND ONE DAY AT A TIME AND SOME DAYS YOU WILL FEEL LACKING BUT JUST THINK OF ALL#THE GOOD WORK YOU'VE ALREADY DONE#MORE WILL COME YOU WILL BE FINE#I AM FRUSTRATED NOW AND THAT IS FINE AND I AM NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE IN MANY WAYS BUT I HAD A HEALTH SETBACK#THAT FORCED ME TO BE UNABLE TO DO SHIT I NEEDED TO DO AND NOW YOU SIMPLY JUST GOTTA GET BACK INTO IT#EVEN IF ITS SLOW AND EVEN IF YOU 'SHOULD' BE BETTER#SHOULD IS A BULLSHIT FUCKING WORD IN THIS CASE#YOU ARE. I AM. AND I WILL CONTINUE BEING. I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR AND ACTUALLY IT WILL NOT KILL ME.#I'M JUST GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR. AND THIS ORCHESTRA CYCLE. AND THEN I CAN GO ON VACATION. AND DO MENTAL PRACTICE.#AND MY BEST. AND YOUR BEST DOESN'T MEAN PERFECT OR EVEN THAT FOOD SOMETIMES IT JUST MEANS DO WHAT YOU CAN.#me when im taking it easy but taking it#sorry i gotta hype myself up cuz if i let myself feel bad about myself that's stupid and dumb and im better than that#if im not aggressively positive ill explode and my life will fall apart around me and i will NOT let myself be miserable again#last month was out of my control mostly. i will however not take 19 credits next semester!#girls when. RAAAGGGGGGHHHH RIPS OFF MY SHIRT I AM ALIVE AT LEAST AND THATS PRETTY COOL#me when i paused like seven times typing this to cough hard
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happy summer vacation :D
#ash rambles 💚#finally.. I'm free.. just for a bit...#ngl i havent been able to stop thinking about school though LMAO im not used to existing without being stressed#... god that makes me sound so pathetic-#anyhow#been watching l.otr as well! almost done with the trilogy#then I wanna watch the h.obbit because um. crush.#hmmmm what else is going on in my life#gonna get my drivers license soon. thats cool#uhhhh what else#OH#I STARTED PLAYING S.HADOW OF M.ORDOR YESTERDAY#i havent gotten far and. listen. I'm not crushing on the protag. BUT HES SOOO FUCKING HOT OHMY GOD I WANNA JUMP HIM ISTG HIS WIFE IS SUCH A#LUCKY WOMAN BECAUSE I FOR ONE WOULD ALSO [REDACTED LOUD BLEEP SCREAMING SOUND]#ahem.#other than that... i do have an irl crush too. i used to laugh at people who fell for mutuals but uh. here i am. hes not on tumblr but#hes so cute..#we were talking about x.enoblade and he was like 'lmao i wish i could be like m.atthew'#and. you know. matt is an f/o of mine. and me trying to charm him was all 'hehe youre pretty close if you ask me! both so cool!'#... jeez im so pathetic when I'm in love-#anyways thats it for my life lmao sorry I haven't been here as often as i would like#yeah :D
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really horribly anxious this morning and can't seem to shake it off :-(
#struggling not to dissociate. just don't really know what I'm going to do with all this i think thats where its coming from#+ exacerbated by so much recent disappointment. its hard not to direct that towards myself even when im not really at fault#not to mention disappointment in other people. which is really just more self disappointment for having expectations in the first place#which are unfeasible/not communicated. i just feel so unreal and unreachable. kind of just incompatible with the world i think#and i dont remember how to weave myself back into it again.im not sure ive ever really known how. immiscibility innit#its ok. going to try and start meditating daily again. and negotiate better boundaries for myself. it might help to journal it out#not on here i mean in a physical journal. i can't hold this exclusively in my head or I'll want to start harming again ik its a trigger#its all okay tho sorry this sounds more dramatic than it actually is. my flatmates gone out so at least i can cry while doing chores#she was dressed up nice and came to say goodbye when she left which she doesnt normally do so i dont think she'll be back for a while#hope she has a good time whatever shes up to. probably shouldve asked in hindsight but im too anxious to be able to talk today#and selfishly it would make me feel worse trying not to compare myself to how much more meshed with reality she is she makes it look easy#she only wanted me to do her suncream but i started trembling rly badly after. just cant physically be around other people right now#well at least i didnt cry in front of her so thats something. okay. ive made a list of tasks so im going to pick them off one at a time#i shouldnt have to think too much about them. and hopefully by the time im done ill feel much calmer#and then maybe i can play a game or smth. but if not i wont be hard on myself ill just go lie down and listen to music instead#man it is a shame about this festival though but it is what it is. therell be other days. i guess im not really a weekend person hey#ah itll all pass its all good. im always okay again eventually however temporarily. i dont need anything other than that#.diaries
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Re-invested in my DUrge ATM because I let myself accept they weren't fucking Gor.tash.
#like it's one thing as a sibling to be like. your boyfriend sucks and hes changing you into someone I cannot recognize or relate to#and another for the situation to be watching your sibling who you've never been able to truly connect with on a personal level#who would never change for you or save you from circumstance or shield you from your father#change for someone else they're learning to connect and identify with#anyway it's hust a bg3 bubble im still not going back rn I'm just thinking about Sable again...#i love you Orin I'm sorry 😔❣️#personal q#sable q#making Gortash a platonic relationship (if a fucked up enabling one etc) just works better for me and for the character#not saying that Gortash didnt have a wildly different experience or interpretation though#im not sure it really matters since Sable never connects with him on a personal level again after Orin takes direct action...#tbd its almost 4am. storms woke me up#i just miss Orin. actually.#the idea of her assuming its just some weird fucked up sex thing. and then witnessing that its not that at all#and then her plotting in a very personal and betrayed matter actually. not really understanding her emotions and knowing Durge never will#but she understands violence and so does Durge and maybe This will change something for them. maybe this will work.#i just love siblings and exploring how fucked up and interpersonal imbalanced familial dynamics can be#TBD tbd anyway it's 4am#gOd and that Orins actions DO lead to Sable developing emotionally and interpersonally and becoming the sort of person#who would want to step between Orin and Bhaal but its an impossible situation and it's too late and Orin will never really get that moment
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Other Misc. Rambling Thoughts on the topic:
(~ !!!!!!!!! if you're just reblogging this post for the Poll section, please reblog the original post without this addition* lol. ~)
(*not that there's anything super personal or weird about the addition, just that it's meant to be kind of casual Side Commentary, not really part of the Main Point Of The Poll, so it would feel kind of weird for it to be emphasized by being included in reblogs unless the reblogs were explicitly about the side commentary, etc..... if that makes sense.. ANYWAY!)
It's neat to read the written descriptions that people are mentioning in the tags, since it's almost like I can see or conceptualize the idea as well, but it's just.. I'm not SEEING it.
Like for example: I can imagine a vase, it's a muted mint green and slightly translucent, elaborate golden birds sprawled down the side in streaks of thin rough watery paint, the base material shimmers gently in the light, there's a small chip where it's cracked on the handle, etc, etc. .. But as I'm thinking about this I see literally nothing.
It seems like perhaps some people can visualize an object first, and THEN describe what they see. But I sort of work backwards. I am building the object in my mind, I can never see it, but it's a collection of concepts. Rather than visualizing all details as a whole at once, I am adding each detail one by one, building onto the IDEA of the thing.
The vase doesn't have a crack on the handle because I just automatically visualized a vase with a crack. It was more that I cognitively understand the concept of a vase, what they tend to be made out of, how they tend to look and feel, the properties they have. So based purely on that knowledge, I can imagine "a chip is something that a vase could have, it would look this way and behave this way" - more like... I'm constructing a bullet point Fact List about the object rather than seeing it.
So if you tell me to imagine an object, I can, in a way, imagine that object in great detail, but it's just.. I'm not SEEING those details, more just knowing it's qualities in a purely conceptual way. Sometimes in the tags when people are like "yeah I can see the skin of the apple, texture, little dots on the surface" it's like… I can imagine that too, I can know it's there, but just with no visual attached.
I guess rather than SEEING something and going ''ah. I know what this looks like because I have seen it''. I more just skip that visual step entirely and go ''I know what this looks like, I just randomly have a list of information about the concept in my mind.'' etc. Maybe similar to how sometimes in dreams, even though a house may look completely different and be in an entirely fake 'dreamlike' environment, you just somehow KNOW intuitively that it's meant to be your childhood home or something. Even when it looks nothing like it in reality. There's a built-in base knowledge of the properties or information of some things within a dreaming mind, etc.
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This also makes me wonder about like.. how storytelling and myth is so important to cultures all across time. Or how this could tie also into concepts of religion.. etc. etc. If so many people really can kind of conjure these vivid images in their mind, then maybe that's part of why certain things are so meaningful to them? Like a "religious experience" being something you can actually really SEE/feel/lingering with you in your head, rather than just abstract words on a page, detached purely theoretical ideas, etc... hmmm
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Plus also just for average emotional stuff too, even outside of broader cultural conceptual attachments..
Like, I don't think there's a direct 1 to 1 link (obviously not all people with mental illnesses that significantly reduce their emotional or expressive capacity also MUST have aphantasia or vice versa), but it's interesting as someone who DOES also have a much more lessened emotional range/pretty flat affect/etc. etc. to think like.. Maybe I WOULD be more emotional, in a way, if I could have these vivid experiences..?
Perhaps memories would hold deeper significance if they could really stay with me vividly. Or storytelling would evoke more of a deep emotional reaction to me if I could really picture and feel the things that are going on. If things were more TANGIBLE in my brain, rather than always merely conceptual highly abstracted ideas.
Kind of like, it's probably easier to get over the death of a pet or something, if after not seeing them for an hour you already don't remember what they looked like (beyond just a vague fact list of traits), and you have no vivid memories or mental reminders of them (beyond just factual information stores). COGNTIVIELY you can appreciate the idea of their absence, of course, you still miss them, but there's just no remaining visceral sensory ties. A very "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing in terms of attachments, memories, emotions, etc. Maybe certain things are easier to "get over", when you're not having constant mental sensory reminders that occasionally rekindle your feelings about the event or etc.??
(like for example, maybe someone could remain angry about an argument longer if they could vividly replay it in their head over and over again. VS just like.. 'Yes I can factually recall the fact I had an argument, and I do have knowledge stored about what precisely was said, but any sort of sensory data such as sights/smells/feelings, etc. from the actual moment of the event are long gone and can never be conjured again in my mind." etc.)
Which again, I think lessened emotional permanence and image permanence in the mind are NOT inherently linked, can all be caused by different things for different people. And, since I can't visualize anything in my head, maybe I'm misunderstanding how it happens and the effect it may have on stuff like remembering things you miss or replaying arguments, etc. etc. But it's still a little interesting to think about, if they could influence each other to some degree.... :0c --
Lastly, It's also weird because I'm actually pretty good at estimating distance and spaces? I can quickly assemble furniture without an instruction manual, pretty easily have a concept of how much space a chair may take up in a room, how two mechanical parts might fit together - BUT, I am literally not actually visualizing anything. I cannot see 3D objects in my mind at ALL. It's like.. just based on the pure List Of Facts About Things Which I Have Observed.. I can intuitively go "oh this works like this/this is this size" just because.. I know it's that size. I don't have to see anything to know..?
But then on the other hand, I'm terrible at directions without a map (I guess because a 3d outdoor environment has WAY more complexity than like.. "Will this square fit into another square?"etc. lol ).
BUT, I also draw/sculpt/etc. entirely without references, and seem to do mostly okay at that..? Like.. I can't even remember the last time I actually used a reference or looked at anything whilst drawing. It's all muscle memory, and me just adjusting as I go until something "looks right" on paper, I never have a set image in my head (or external reference) before hand.. Hrmm....
AND.. I used to say that I had a photographic memory when I was younger, which I know NOW is not true (I always thought it was just an expression, not that people could literally see things in a photographic way). But what I was describing is, I do often associate information with imagery, just... without imagery....
Like "Oh, I know that I took my medicine earlier today because I have a distinct memory, a snapshot of a moment in time, of me rattling the pill bottle in my hands as I looked up at a stop sign while in the back seat of a car". When I say this, I can't ACTUALLY see/feel/hear a pill bottle, or vividly picture a stop sign, but it's more just a factual recall, of. Even though I don't see these things, I know they happened, the information of them happening (me hearing a sound and also looking at a stop sign at the same time) has been stored in my brain as a memory, a collection of linked facts. --
As for other senses, I cannot taste or feel anything in my head AT ALL.. wild that some people mention that. I mean, again, I can have a purely factual recall as if reading a textbook, knowing the information of 'X item typically has X texture, therefore I can imagine what it may be like to feel it' or 'X usually has this taste' etc. - but I can never actually experience those senses in any capacity in my mind alone. I would say audio is my strongest mental sense (maybe a 2.5 or 3 (if it were translated onto the above scale where 1 is most vivid and 5 is nothing)), then visual (4.5 at most, usually 5), and then taste and smell and such are just complete 5, absolutely nothing, I didn't even know people could experience taste or feeling just in their mind alone.. lol...
I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :
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(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )
#repeat reblog#Hrmm.... this must be why you all like reading books so much lol… option 5.. so few of us…#Also I wonder if this is why I'm a more detail oriented writer. Like if I was making a story I would first have to plot out information#about the location. draw a map of the room the chararcters are in. sketch the characters. their outfits. do a lot of plotting and planning#about how the world and the setting works and what plants might be there and so on and so forth. Because I'm working#more from a factual knowledge base of like 'bullet point list of things I know about this setting/object/person/etc'#rather than actually just being able to see it in my mind. So to really conceptualize a person/place/thing - I have to build it#from the ground up conceptually. Gathering and organizing all the information about it until I have a Full Mental Concept of it - and THEN#I can work with it from there. But maybe someone who just Pictures all that in their brain from the beginning can kind of skip that step.#Like for example I literally have NO idea what any of my characters look like until I draw them. I have to actively decide what they look#like and think about all of those details and create the List Of Factual Information (black hair. green eyes. this tall. etc.) from scratch#. where the friend I talked to on the phone recently said that they literally just like... picture the character. like they just SEE them#doing stuff and know from there. And of course i have an IDEA of what I may want a characters appearnce to be or properties that would suit#them based on their Concept and Personality. but I literally do not know. And even when writing or thinking about characters doing things#I cannot visualize them no matter how hard I try. It's all theoretical factual recall for me. Also my friend said that to THEM the saying#''the characters write themselves'' was interpreted to mean.. they can literally sit down & watch the characters do things and it's as#if they are just creating a story in their mind from thin air. it writes itself. Where for ME I have always interpreted it to mean ''I have#undertaken the process of analyzing and plotting every detail of this character SO deeply that I know them SO well down to even#how they would walk or hold a pencil. and thus because I have such an intimate understanding of every intricacy of their personality. It's#extremely easy to just Put Them Into A Situation and assume exactly how they'd react/ exactly what they'd say because based#on what has factually been determined about them and their personality/worldview/etc. it's just.. literally automatic. The same way that#if you knew a friend's preferences extremely well you could probably easily predict how they'd respond to a birthday gift'' etc.#hmm.. ANYWAY... Which my friend may be an extreme example. I feel like it'd be obvious even for writers without aphantasia to STILL sit#down and plot out details & intimately understand their characters/setting/etc. But the idea that for ANYONE it's like ''yeah I dont have t#think much about designing the layout of a room/place/etc. I just kind of SEE it in my mind and know automatically''.... wild... lol#It makes it seem like I'm always having to do like 500 tons of extra work that other people can just skip .. oughh#''well after writing them for a YEAR and fully conceptualizing their personality and going through 15 sketch drafts. i have FINALLY#decided on an appearance for my character'' ... ''erm.. i have been seeing my character since day 1.. what do you mean?'' ... lol#ANYWAY.. and thank you to those who have sent in asks abt your experiences.. very inchresting.. sorry not posting/responding yet since im#still a bit sick feeling and energy is very scattered/low social ability/etc... even this post i typed over the course of days lol..
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i started watching a youtube video about cinemasins that just kind of mocks it for yknow being a content machine and whittling media criticism down to incredibly simple superficial observations like "this things has tropes/cliches" (not even mentioning how a lot of times those tropes and cliches are literally just. customs. things people do in real life, cultural details that someone would include in a story because again real people write things and they live in the fucking world. wearing all black to a funeral for example i remember they called that a cliche a lot) or "the director made choices" or "this thing is in a genre and has scene decoration fit to the genre or meant to convey meaning to the viewer!" like those are bad things instead of how you tell stories and by and large depreciating the ability of its viewers to conduct media analysis and watch things genuinely and appreciate art and meaning. okay the youtuber didn't say all of that specifically a lot of that is my opinion based on how in middle school i watched cinemasins a lot and observations i've made about people the same age as me who i can surmise also watched cinemasins based on how they watch movies and nitpick things like "this thing has tropes" and "this thing would never happen in real life/a person would never say or do this in real life" because cinemasins has distilled in them a lack of ability to engage in a story as a story crucially i cannot say it simpler than that as a story as a narrative someone wrote based on an idea they had because it was cool or to do something or mean something or have an effect and everything that happens is written by someone or a choice made by an actor because these aren't real people and the purpose of art is to AUUUGHHH I GOT DISTRACTED AGAIN!!!! THE POINT OF THIS POST IS i was watching the video and being like haha yeah hate those guys and then they played a clip from cinemasins to demonstrate what they meant and hearing the cinemasins guy's voice knocked me flat i had to pause the video and come write this post bc i had to recuperate
#you might think i'm being dramatic or ohh it's not all cinemasins fault and you're right hypothetical person it's not but its indicative of#a wider lack of ability to engage with art and understand that when you read or watch something it's to experience art. and not think about#whether it would happen in real life. or the logistics or chances of a precipitating event happening. when an action hero makes a shot he#shouldn't be able to make it's because it's a story and it was a stroke of luck that propels him through and it's because we all want to see#him make the shot and most importantly it's because someone wrote it to happen that way. when a character survives something you think they#shouldn't be able to it's not because they have 'plot armor' it's not 'unrealistic' it's because it was written that way to tell a story. i#could just keep going on like this foreverrrr sorry i'm just repeating the same stuff it just annoys me to no end and i see and hear so much#of it from people all the time on and offline and there's no use arguing about it bc i'll be like 'it's like that because it's a story and#someone came up with it. it's art meant to convey themes or meaning it's a story' and they'll be like 'well i don't like it so it's bad' and#im like. sometimes i really wish i could reach into someone's skull and squeeze their fucking brain goop#AND (i forgot how i started my series of tags) A LOT OF IT IS STILL CINEMASINS FAULT!#alex talks
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