#I'm sorry i know this is stupid but this blog is my personal tv show journal and I'd like to look back at this post later on and remember

[crownspeaksblog]

Now 6 days after watching arcane for the first time did i notice that in the dinner scene when jinx reveals the plate, it's a cupcake.. (i know this is such a "i never realized they're holding a plate of corn" moment), i just genuinely never acknowledged that it's a cupcake, i always just thought about how it's not caitlyn on that plate, it's the gemstone. Which makes me think does jinx know that vi calls caitlyn cupcake?? Because a cupcake is such a specific thing to put on that plate..

[depressionanddeconstruction]

*pinned post*

I'm Katherine. She/her. White, cis queer woman.

This is gonna be SO long. I'm so sorry.

TL;DR : uhhh...i'm Christian but hopefully not one of THOSE Christians? (trying, learning and working not to be)

Let's start with side blogs, then a cut.

@toodepressedforinstagram personal blog. Ranting, shitposting, whatever I want.

@fandomofisolation tv shows, books, movies, etc. Currently there's a lot of Our Flag Means Death, 9-1-1 and Supernatural (i know, yikes, haha)

@tellmethestoryofyourtattoos art, photography, travel, stories, cute animals

@clearancelevelneedtoknow human rights, social justice, education, science, resources

@justspngifsrbs reblogging Supernatural gifs (made at the peak of my relapse into an obsession with that stupid, brilliant, awful, wonderful, hilarious, tragic mess)

I have one other secret side blog. If I liked a bunch of your posts that don't fit the theme of this blog or any of my other side blogs, you'll know what my secret side blog is about and why it's secret.

If you're here because you saw that I followed you or liked a bunch of your posts, here's what you should know:

Sometimes, the discrepancy between the vibes of this blog and the blogs I follow or the posts I like may give you pause. I get it. Don't worry, I PROMISE I am not trying to evangelize you. I use tumblr for a lot of different things. This was my first tumblr blog and is therefore still my main blog. Over the years, I've made others for different areas of my interests. I mostly reblog from the side blogs listed above.

Now. If you found me through one of the posts that I made on this blog itself, there are some things you should know about me which will allow you to contextualize the stuff I say here.

I AM a Christian. I don't really know how to define that except to say that I believe in a higher power, who has consciousness and will. And I believe that all of reality originated from and is still maintained by that higher power. My concept of that higher power aligns most closely with the Christian concept of God.

I am currently deconstructing and reconstructing my faith.

I grew up in a family that attended a church that's part of the Pentecostal Assemblies of Newfoundland and Labrador, which is in turn part of the World Assemblies of God Fellowship.

Some stuff about NL pentecostal culture:

- no drinking, smoking or drugs. Most are teetotalers (if someone in the community does drink or smoke, it's a little rebellious/scandalous/taboo). For communion, we use grape juice.

- no sex before marriage

- teeeeeeeechnically, no divorce either

- gambling is also taboo. Older people in small, rural towns even avoid playing cards altogether, just because of the association with gambling.

- my mom's generation is weird about dancing. She almost didn't let me go to prom because it was a dance. It's basically like the movie Footloose - "dances are events where teenagers might engage in risky behavior like drinking, drugs and sexual promiscuity. Therefore, dancing must be banned." That's on its way out, I think.

- similar to the dancing one, my grandparents' generation was weird about movie theatres. That has passed.

- women CAN be pastors (clergy). Divorced people cannot.

- divorced people and unwed mothers are allowed to volunteer at church stuff (as layfolk) but gay people are not.

- my church is trying to be diverse. That means they're trying to create a community that welcomes, includes, celebrates and values people of all ethnicities and cultures. They're not perfect but I can say that they're trying.

- they're pretty chill about mental health stuff, as far as i can tell.

- at my church, the lead pastor is a white man (the lead pastors at most NL pentecostal churches are white men, and the leaders of the paonl are white men). Two other pastors are white men. One is a white woman. One is a woman who is either white or mixed race. I do not know for sure. I've never asked her. Three other people on staff at the church in layfolk paid positions are two white women and a woman of colour. There are also nine women on staff as part of the "Community Connections and Conversation Cafe (ESL)" team. Four are white, five are women of colour.

- so basically, I can say that they are not intentionally, maliciously, overtly misogynistic, racist or ableist. Obviously they are still part of a religious institution that exists in this province and country because of settler colonialism. Obviously the same systematic inequalities that are inherent in schools, healthcare, government and all colonial institutions are also inherent in this one. I can say that, within the obvious limitations of that context, they are trying to be feminist, accessible and anti-racist.

- they're struggling with fully embracing non-cishet folx. I know that within the NL pentecostal community, there are individuals who support me and are fully affirming of my relationship with my wife as a normal, healthy, God-honouring relationship. But they are the minority. And like officially, my wife and I are not allowed to volunteer at any NL pentecostal churches or with any NL pentecostal events. We are welcomed and accepted and included as attendees when we go to church. It's just that, for us, volunteering with kids and youth programs has always been an integral part of faith and participating in church so it kinda sucks that we can't do it anymore.

- the bible is the "inspired, infallible, authoritative" word of God

Some stuff NL pentecostal churches believe:

- God is sort of like a person, more or less. An intangible, invisible, immortal, pure-spirit, omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent person-like entity. With will, consciousness and feelings. He loves, He hurts, He gets angry, He gets sad, He grieves.

- God made the whole universe from nothing, by speaking.

- God is the only God. He's the only entity like Himself that exists, and everything else in existence came from Him. I am pretty sure that PAONLers believe that if there is some kind of spiritual entity that is neither God nor human, it's either an angel or a demon. Christians in general don't believe in djinn or in other deities/minor deities.

- humans were made in the image of God. So i guess it's less that God is a person-like entity, and more that humans are God-like little dudes.

- humans have souls, which are...from what I understand, one of the three essential things that make up a human (body, mind and soul), and are sort of like intangible, immutable, immortal imprints of one's identity and one's choices on earth. I think many people think that a version of your consciousness is stored in your soul, which will have awareness after your earthly body dies.

- the trinity: God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit, three in one

- Jesus is the Son of God. He was fully God and fully man. Virgin birth. He died and came back to life then ascended to Heaven where He is now chillin and will eventually come back to earth "in power and glory to rule a thousand years"

- the Holy Spirit allows people to speak in "toungues", which is a supernatural prayer language unique to each person. It is the Holy Spirit speaking directly to God the Father through a believer's mouth, without involving the believer's brain. It cannot be understood by any human, including the one speaking it (unless the Holy Spirit gives someone else the supernatural gift of interpretation).

- angels, demons, demon possession and miracles (including raising people from the dead, healing the body, and "signs and wonders") are all real, actual things that exist and have happened and do still happen today

- believers are supposed to get baptized in water as a public declaration of their faith

- believers are supposed to participate in communion (which, for pentecostals, is the metaphorical, not literal, consumption of Jesus' flesh and blood) as a reminder of Jesus' death and resurrection until He comes back

- anyone who is "saved" goes to Heaven

- on the topic of Jesus coming back, NL pentecostals believe in "the Rapture" which is supposedly when Jesus comes back, all believers living and dead will be raised up into the air, like being beamed up onto a spaceship. Or they'll just vanish into thin air, leaving behind clothing, shoes, glasses, etc., if you believe the "Left Behind" book series.

- there is an eternal afterlife, and the only two options are Heaven or Hell

- preeeeeeeetty sure PAONLers officially don't believe in ghosts. I'm pretty sure they think the door to another plane of existence is one-way only. Like I said, only two options, and PAONLers believe that both those options are eternal and irrevocable.

If you're into theology, and these words have meaning for you, here are some terms that apply to NL pentecostals:

- anyone who is not "saved" goes to Hell

- God doesn't want anyone to go to hell so He sent Jesus to take our sins upon Himself

- When Jesus was dying on the cross, He assumed all the guilt for all humans who ever were and ever would be

- the only way to be "saved" is to believe in Jesus as the Son of God who died and came back to life, accept Him as your Lord and Savior, and profess said belief and acceptance

- Protestant

- Evangelical

- Charismatic

- Biblical inerrancy

- Finished Work Pentecostalism (progressive sanctification)

- Trinitarian

- Premillenial dispensationalism

- Pretribulation Rapture

- Arminianism

- Security of the believer (conditional upon continual faith and repentance)

- Continuationism

So that's where I come from. That's how I grew up. That's what influenced the beginning of my faith.

Now. Where am I going? Well, I don't know. But like I said, I'm still a Christian. That label still feels right. I'm currently in the process of deconstructing and reconstructing. I don't want to just take away from everything I was taught by the Pentecostal Assemblies of Newfoundland and Labrador. I only want to add to it. Not in the sense that I want to believe everything. That's admittedly rather difficult, because a lot of different Christian beliefs are opposites of each other. I want to add to what I've been taught in the sense that I want to know, and understand, what other sects believe and why. I probably won't know, within this lifetime, which view is "right". Maybe it doesn't matter.

My wife, who is very wise, said, "I just don't have the energy to try to figure it all out. I know I love God, and we have to love other people. I guess we'll find out the rest eventually. I am hanging on to my faith with my last little bit of strength. So I just want to use that bit of strength to focus on loving God, being loved by Him, and loving everyone else the way He loves them."

Some highlights of my current belief:

- "God" is an entity. God has consciousness and will. God is the only *anything* that is real and has always been. All of reality as we know it flows from, is part of, and is maintained by God.

- i think that God's form is pure energy. And I think that energy is love. I think God = love = energy. I don't just think that all love is from God; I think all love is God. Same goes for energy. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. God always was, always is, and always will be. All of matter is made of molecules, which are made of atoms, which are made of protons, neutrons and electrons, which are made of quarks, which are energy. God is over all and through all and in all. So I think that all of reality is energy which is love which is God (like the force in Star Wars). And love, as a force, is the most powerful force in reality. Stronger than gravity (like in the movie "Interstellar"). Faster than light. More powerful than life and death.

- science is legit. Science is just an attempt to understand reality. If all reality is God, then science is one way to understand God. Science, math, art, music, language, belief, thought, relationships between humans are all ways to understand, and engage with, the divine. So whatever the scientists can prove with evidence and solid methodology and peer reviewal, i'm on board. Evolution? Yep. I'm good. Climate change? Yeah. Same page. Age of the earth? Yes. Dinosaurs? Yes. Hominids other than homo sapiens (e.g. H. neanderthalis)? Yes. All of it. Whatever science is offering, I'm taking.

- Trinitarian vs Oneness (i.e. is God three in one, God the father, God the son, or God the Holy Spirit, separate entities but all God? Or are the father the son and the holy spirit all different forms of the same dude - just God?) My belief: yes? Both? Who cares?

- was Jesus fully God AND fully man? Was Jesus the Son of God? Or just a normal human fully filled with the Holy Spirit? My belief: Yes? Both? Who cares?

- did Jesus actually die and come back to life? My belief: mmm.....yeah, I'm still feelin' that it's a yes on that one. That's important to me. Haven't let go of that one yet.

- is the Bible infallible and inerrant? My belief: ummmm.......I don't think so. I am no longer really vibing with that particular theology.

- did God make the world in a literal seven days in the exact order described in Genesis chapter 1? My belief: nahhh.

- When Jesus comes back, are believers, living and dead, going to float up into the air like they're being beamed up onto a spaceship? My belief: I mean, I feel like this could go either way. On the one hand, I see no reason to take that literally. On the other hand, why not? I'd believe weirder.

- are angels and demons real? My belief: well, i think so. But i doubt that they are anything like what we think. I believe in a spiritual realm and i believe that there may be entities that exist on that "plane".

- do people get possessed by demons and can those demons be cast out of the hosts? My belief: i'm thinking yes and yes.

- does each individual human have a specially-assigned guardian angel? My belief: i mean, I feel like that's unlikely,but what do I know?

- are people who speak in tongues really filled with the Holy Spirit? Is that a legit supernatural event? My belief: yeah, I think so. Why not? I'd believe weirder.

- do miracles still happen? Like raising people from the dead? Healing the sick and injured? Signs and wonders? My belief: yeah, I think so. Why not? I'd believe weirder.

(To be continued. I am working on this post in fits and starts. I will talk more about my de/reconstruction journey eventually)

[gleetournaments]

Well if we’re thinking of Rumours v 2009 - as someone said many fans just haven’t made it to season 6 or watched 2009 more than once. It’s an enjoyable episode, the main fascination being Kurt’s story and his glow up, but this tournament has all other ships and stans voting. Is there any britanna in there? Season 2 remains popular. Rumours is popular for Songbird especially plus other extra songs plus the Britanna Artie plot, plus the Sam of it all - the story is cute. Klainers love to laugh at the stupidity of people thinking Kurt is cheating on Blaine.

Nbk v hos - well someone pointed out in comments only good thing about Nbk is Klaine meeting. And theres been a lot of anti Blaine stuff around this week on twitter so that’s changed again. The beiste plot is horrible and puck is an ass, and it’s not really Britanna focussed. hos is a competition episode which people tend to enjoy and you’ve got one of the sancedes mashups in there too.

I think, and I mean no disrespect to you, but we do know ultimately there’s a handful of episodes which will be in the top 4. Pq and Os have been long term fan faves and have won many times over the years, I’m not convinced it’ll change now. I’m interested to see what fills in the spaces 3-28 or whatever.

But I love you doing this. It’s fun. It’s not to be taken too seriously. It’s interesting to hear PoV even if they’re wrong (I jest) . I’m not commenting or reblogging because people can be so rude or shoot people down for having a different opinion.

I don’t want you to stop it. Plus you’ve worked hard on it.

Hi Nonny!

Sorry - I am finally getting around to addressing all of this.

First of all, I just want to say, even if I'll campaign passionately on my own blog, I completely understand that this blog's intention is to service the wider glee fandom, and not one particular corner of it, therefore the opinions are going to be different. That is usually part of the fun of it.

What isn't fun is when there's an obvious bout of cheating going on and all of sudden those numbers get skewed in a really wonky way. And as I said before, I know there's always some form of cheating going on in these things -- especially in polls that reach a huge audience. But this particular blog really only gets out to 200-ish people, so when someone spams it with an 100 extra votes it feels really noticeable.

And, at the moment I discovered it - it felt... idk violating in a way? It's like someone did it intentionally to make some sort of statement?

Most of the polls they did it on, the episode in question was already winning. So, why even bother?

That said - I do agree that we're hurdling towards a pre-determined endgame. I've ran this particular poll maybe four times over the course of the years, and it's always ended the same way. But the real fun is getting there, and seeing where everything else shakes out.

I'm glad you are having fun, and I think overall, most people are, too. As of now, things seem to be normal again, so I'm continuing on with the tournament. But if things seem suspicious again, I may decide to pull the plug then.

As an aside -

I’m not commenting or reblogging because people can be so rude or shoot people down for having a different opinion.

I'm sorry to hear this, and this is a good moment to remind people that everyone is entitled to have their own opinion. No one is dumb or stupid or whatever if they like something else. It's a TV show, and subjective to each person. Someone not liking your favorite isn't going to hurt you, and people should feel safe to state opinions without getting ridiculed. I realize this is the internet, and the anonymity makes that hard. But c'mon. This is so not worth getting into it with people over.

Thanks for dropping a line! I do appreciate hearing from you guys. <3

[winterxisxcomingx]

why are you so obssesed with poly ships? i've been lurking around your blog and you seem to put a lot of characters from your fandoms in poly ships, you even have a sideblog with polyamory in url and i'm curious why

ik you might just be poly yourself and looking for representantion which is valid even when you have to make it up bc there's not much of those relationships in media

but if your mono then what exactly about those ships interests you?

sorry if it's rude to ask or sth, i don't want to offend but i was seriously wondering

ohh that's interesting haha but im glad you're not mean

welp, it's just one of my interests, ya know. My bachelor's thesis was about polyamory representation in media and just overall - it's history, how people are seeing it, how they react to it, how this kind of relationships works. Like, idk it's just interesting to me. Also, poly is kinda part of lgbt+ community, but it isn't exactly popular in media or and lgbt doesn't really talk about it as much as about trans or other orientations. Lately, people has taken an interest in polyamory, and not only in a sexual way but also as a romantic, beautiful relationship, and I guess im just part of this group.

and representation in media? Oh lord, don't let me start on that. There's like one or two good representation in movies/shows, while others are just toxic and all are doing are harden negative stereotypes.

Also, ive been a shipper since i was a little kid. Idk men, I just like idea of people loving each other. Movies and tv shows in 20's were all about love triangles, and honestly why? I mean, if you both love one person, and that person can't seem to chose because she also loves both of you, then... don't you see a solution? I mean, obviously, it isn't that easy in real life, but in a movies? Why not just let them love each other without drama.

Oh yes, another thing: fandom dramas. I hate those, truly. Ive been in many fandoms before, and in most of them there is that discourse 'ship A vs ship B" usually having "G+K or G+N" and people are literally throwing insults and kys at each other just because they can't accept that other people like different dynamics than them. That's stupid all in itself, but welp.. I guess polyamory is some kind of way of remis? I mean, in poly you can ship both ships without argument. They can be in open relationship or close, they can be triad or just one person loving two others. Like, in a fictional world, it's the best solution, isn't it? It's us who create characters' thoughts, dynamic, emotions... We *can* make it work!

So hm that would be that, I think? Love is beautiful and you can make it that way if u want to!

I hope it answers your question ahaha

[nnnneeev]

Honest to god, same. Solomon is in my head 24/7, it's a problem that I'm not willing or wanting to fix 😂

I just wanted to share some of my favorite thoughts of him, if that's alright...

-Him making and bringing you coffee/tea while you're still up and working on something at 3 am while he sits with you doing his own thing.

-Outrageously long movie/tv show marathons with him and quoting iconic lines and scenes, specifically Lord of the Rings (cause i'm a nerd and i feel like he would like it too) but other long series work too.

-Going to watch plays with him - there was this play that I went to a few years ago and it was a Shakespeare mashup of a few of his plays and it was sooo funny! It was a very non-serious play, and I like to think Solomon would've enjoyed it. (sorry for rambling on this one)

-It doesn't matter the occasion, there doesn't even need to be an occasion, but finding and giving each other stupid/funny cards with something silly written on the inside.

-When shopping, the two of you heading straight to the candle section and spending an absurd amount of time there rating the different smells and such.

-Doing tarot readings for each other, also guessing each other's astrology placements (if you're into that lol).

Anyways, that's just a few that I can think of, I'm literally so in love with him 😩 Maybe I'll expand on these one day, once my writer's block leaves me alone haha... (sorry for rambling again)

*slams table* YES TO ALL OF THESE

I think i read somewhere before that working alongside mc is a dream come true for him. There's just the comfortable silence between you and both keeping each other company while doing your own business.

I do see him liking plays and long movie marathons!! Imagine the confusion of the people around you when you quote references from those movies, or trying to re-enact scenes from the play at the most random moments (like getting a glass of water but he's giving it to you in the most dramatic way). Both of you find amusement in the puzzled face they're making as you get absorbed in your own personal little world where no one else but you understand each other.

I remember giving wedding or birthday cards to my bestfriend even tho it's not her birthday (we were like 13 at that time) lol anyways there's like an unofficial competition between you where whoever has the silliest card wins (he has the leading score)

As a scented candle enthusiast this is a hard yes. He'll light one whenever you have reading sessions or just when the mood strikes him. I don't know much about tarot but i really wanna learn how to read it.

Rambles, thoughts, brainrots, etc. are always welcome in my blog! No need to feel sorry, i'm always happy to hear them!! 😊

[mrs-monaghan]

Or maybe Jimin didn't share the exact meanings of his songs because he didn't want to and it has nothing to do with not wanting to expose teenagers to something? Ever thought about that? Jimin is extremely private, we know that. He opened up to us through his music and gave us a hint of the backstory for every song. But if anyone expected him to go into detail just doesn't know him at all.

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with keeping in mind that his audience also consists of minors. You would never hear swear words or talks about mature topics on family friendly tv shows either. Just because you and me are grown ups doesn't mean everyone is. And it's not like he makes his music kid friendly in general. He just decided to skip the MV parts that might not be appropriate for a younger audience. That was his choice and I personally think that's fine. Because in the end, if you want to see the make out scenes the MV is just one click away.

Yes, I know, he also stopped himself talking more about the meaning of Like Crazy and used minors watching as an excuse but I think Jimin still gave enough hints as to what the song means that adults most likely should catch on. And I really don't think he would've said anything else, even if minors watching wasn't a thing. Do you really think Jimin would sit there and talk about how he lost himself in alcohol to escape reality? Because I can't. That's just not him. And he definitely shouldn't change just because some people want him to become explicit.

Sometimes I feel like people are trying to find ways to criticise Jimin just for the sake of criticising him. Jimin is a very considerate person. He also tries to keep a clean image which, judging by the hate he's getting although he's nothing but kind snd sweet, I completely understand. It's not like he's completely avoiding the topic. He's drinking alcohol, we saw him drinking alcohol on camera before, is talking about alcohol, talked about tough times and how much the pandemic affected him. So why is it a bad thing if he doesn't want to do drunken lives or smoke?

All of BTS created an unhealthy parasocial relationship with the fans. But that's a whole other topic, in my opinion. I personally won't criticise Jimin for being aware of his fans not all being adults yet, the same way I won't criticise Jungkook for not considering it because in the end the parents are responsible to regulate what kids are watching and what not.

Anon. I won't lie i didn't read all of this because you clearly did not understand me. I never once mentioned his album or that he needed to explain it. Tf is wrong with you people reading my blog and seeing shit that isn't there?!

I talked about him skipping the kissing scene and the cursing. I did say shit about nothing else. I did not even touch on the songs themselves. I was only talking about the censoring. Thats it. And my opinion still hasn't changed btw.

This goes hand in hand with idols treating their fans like their girlfriends. Maybe me using the word problematic is what has u people triggered but it is. Now idols can't even say who they're dating because they belong to their fans. Its stupid. Its fucking stupid.

I can't with u people anymore. My blog, my opinions. Have you thought about that??? You don't wanna fuck with me then fuck off. I'm sorry, but I'm done defending what I said. It is Jimin, its who he is and that's fine. But I can still find issue with certain things about him and I'm allowed. So enough! No one is forcing u to be here.

[sharks-are-queer]

I haven’t made an intro post in awhile so sorry if this is a little stiff lol

Hello!! I love those character headcanons blogs and wanted to make my own! I don’t exactly know the language to describe these things so I’m sorry if this is written weirdly!

For Info about my blog see under the cut :D

🦈 What headcanons requests I will take 🦈

- Ocs

- Characters from Tv Shows, Movies, and Webcomics

- Alters

- Headcanons involving “conflicting” identities, objectum hcs, Neurodivergent Hcs, Therian Hcs, and Age/Animal Regression Hcs (if therians and regressors even have flags in not sure atm)

🦈 What headcanons requests I WONT take 🦈

You can also request yourself/you and your partner if you’d like! I won’t accept irl pictures but will accept a drawing or picrew that represents you! :D

- Irl ppl (unless it’s you or your partners/friends who’ve given consent)

- Characters from media on my blacklist

- Characters from pornographic media such as Hentai

- Characters from Shota/Loli media or similar media.

- NSFW hcs, Paraphilia hcs outside of Objectum, Proship Hcs, RCTA hcs, just generally messed up stuff I won’t touch

If you have a question about something you're unsure I would take or not, don't be afraid to ask! No question is a stupid question in my book!

🦈 OTHER RULES 🦈

- While I am lenient about this rule, I would prefer requests to stay under 50 flags per character

- I will not use character art that you do not personally own or isn’t from the original source

MEDIA BLACKLIST:

- South Park

- Minecraft SMPs

- thats kind of it rn tbh hdhdhd

I will try my best to keep my blog accessible by keeping almost everything plain text and I will try to do image id's, I don't really have a lot of experience with those but I will do my best!!

🦈 DNI 🦈

I dont exactly care who follows me since I can just block a person if they make me uncomfortable, but I will say Maps/Pedos, Zoos, Proshippers, Anti-Palestinians, and TERFs kindly fuck off! :)

I would also prefer NSFW or 18+ blogs dni since I'm still a minor, wait a couple months and then come back lol

🦈 ABOUT ME 🦈

My names is Rory, and my pronouns are He/Him, Xe/Xem, + any neos :D. I say I’m an agender lesbian but it’s a bit more complicated than that. I’m 17 and a Scorpio :D. I consider myself a mix of critical inclus and radical inclus, I don’t align with radqueer at all.

Gravity Falls

Stuff I like:

SHARKS!!! Specifically Whale Sharks and Basking Sharks

The Owl House

Stardew Valley

Psych USA

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Steven Universe

Adventure Time

+ many more!!

Idk how to end these types of things so I’m just gonna say Bye and I hope you have a lovely day or night :D

[svnflowermoon]

“ LACY, OH LACY, I JUST LOATHE YOU LATELY . . . ”

i hope you enjoy your time here <33

anon list || pronouns page || pinterest || spotify

➵ you can call me lucy or luce and any other nicknames that fit, also i adore petnames

basic info. ➵  they/she, 17, lesbian (also somewhere on the aroace spectrum idk babe I'm confused), certified romantic advice-giver, enfp, gemini, nz, i adore dogs, plant mum, i love painting, pesto lover, writing is my life, i love going on walks and picnics, I'm 100% a spring girlie, i can't live without music, spotify is the loml, pinterest whore, i hate coffee (sorry), avid lover of platonic love, i overshare on the internet, slytherin, i don't ship real people but idc if you do as long as you're respectful about it, i love character design!!! i've been told by my best friends that i'm a real life nick nelson & remus lupin (also a wet cat but let's just ignore that ahahaha <3 i am insanely obsessed with halley's comet by billie eilish and i literally have a tag for it that's how much i adore it (#THE SONG OF ALL TIME) i often disappear from tumblr for a while due to my mental health <3 free palestine!!!

music. ➵  billie eilish, conan gray, maisie peters, gracie abrams, chappell roan, FINNEAS, holly humberstone, lyn lapid, sabrina carpenter, olivia rodrigo, ABBA, arctic monkeys, fletcher, queen, claire rosinkranz, girl in red, phoebe bridgers, boygenius, renee rapp, troye sivan, lauv, harry styles, niall horan, lizzy mcalpine, griffy, johnny orlando, ricky montgomery, zayn, maggie lindemann, louis tomlinson, beabadoobee, ella jane, cigarettes after sex, emei, tate mcrae, lana del rey, melanie martinez, 5sos, the neighbourhood, chase atlantic, clairo, hozier, paramore, and more

books. ➵ osemanverse, hunger games, anne of green gables, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, a good girls guide to murder trilogy, the other side of the sky, his dark materials trilogy, red white and royal blue, i kissed shara wheeler, marauders era (not the actual series just the marauders. also anti jkr ew fuck that bitch), six of crows, shadow and bone and more

movies + tv shows. ➵  spiderverse movies, marvel, stranger things, heartstopper, young royals, red white and royal blue, first kill, anne with an e, hunger games, gilmore girls, i am not okay with this, my policeman, shadow and bone, she-ra, httyd, and more

characters. ➵ natasha romanoff, wanda maximoff, james potter, kate bishop, loki, katniss everdeen, max mayfield, robin buckley, tara jones, tori spring, alex claremont-diaz, jimmy kaga-ricci, georgia warr, evelyn hugo, remus lupin, sirius black, regulus black, lorelai gilmore, remus lupin, sirius black, elle argent, tao zu, beth harmon, finnick odair, jesper fahey

art. ➵ i love art but posting it is terrifying. i've just started doing digital art last year but my stupid ass drawing tablet broke so uh yayyy no more of that for the time being. i mainly paint but I'm doing printmaking at school so that there's more variation

my blogs. ➵ 

alt acc: @goldwingangell

writing: @svnflower-writes + my ao3 is sunflowerrmoon

mediocre poetry: @lostmypagewhenyoukissedme

aesthetics: my moodboards @partyfavorr

billie eilish icons: @eilishicons

note. ➵ i would love to be friends with you, please do not hesitate to message me/send me an ask (preferably an ask im an awkward mess in dms) i literally cannot shut up so if you talk to me abt anything i love i will enthusiastically respond (often in all caps) <3 my discord is the same @ i use here and if we're close you can ask for my insta <33 if you know me irl please stop looking at my blog. there's a 96% chance i don't want you looking at this blog, please don't take it personally <33 also, i'm sorta selective abt who i follow back and i rarely follow people back who don't have an intro post or a bio with an age bracket, name, and pronouns.

➵ thank you for reading my intro post <3

“. . . AND I DESPISE MY ROTTON EYES AND HOW HARD THEY FELL FOR YOU .ᐟ ”

[intrepidacious]

almost believing

summary: You and Bucky aren't exactly on speaking terms at the moment. That doesn't mean you're getting out of having to pretend to be married for a mission.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

word count: 5.4k

warnings: miscommunication dialled up to eleven bc it's me; friends to lovers with lots of seething in between; set around christmas, but not a christmas fic; slight spoiler warning for wakanda forever just to be safe

please note that my blog is rated 18+. minors dni. ageless/empty blogs will be blocked without warning.

prompt: fake dating, baby 😌 title and initial inspiration for this fic were taken from "so close" from enchanted. yes. that scene.

a/n: this was written for my wonderful tiff's sweet as sugar writing challenge!! @traitorjoelite i'm so proud of you and i hope you enjoy this fic. i really thought this one would be short i swear. big shoutout and thank you to @sweetascanbee for listening to me rant about this for weeks, i appreciate you so much!!

masterlist | read on ao3

Here’s the thing: It’s supposed to be a simple mission. Just gathering intel at the hotel for one single night, the two of you pretending that everything is fine for a couple of hours more.

After all, it’s Bucky’s last mission with you before his reassignment goes through.

Well, it’s not like it’s going to make a difference to how much you’re seeing him, to be honest.

You’re not sure when he started making himself rare or why, but once you noticed it, it was impossible not to.

"Sorry, I’m heading out," when you ask him to grab lunch together seems inconspicuous enough, as does, "Ah, I’m already supposed to meet Sam," when you try asking him about that trip to IKEA you’d been talking about for ages.

But it doesn’t stop there. One excuse follows the next, and suddenly there’s always something more important than the two of you hanging out.

Of course, you try to rationalize it at first. Swallow down your hurt feelings, because Bucky is your friend, and sometimes people just need space. You’re fine. The two of you are fine.

Once he starts scheduling dates for Friday night, though—which has always been movie night, always, every week since you met him—you know that something’s wrong.

"Is he angry with me?" you keep asking Steve, who looks very uncomfortable and definitely knows what's going on.

"Just give him a little space," he suggests timidly. So you do. You let the whole thing go.

For like a week.

"I just don’t know what I did," you tell Sam over drinks, your head held in your hands.

"Nope," he answers, downing his dregs. "I’m not doing this. Nuh-uh."

"You know, too?" you cry, accusingly pointing at him.

"I don’t know anything," Sam deadpans. And then he puts his scarf on and leaves.

"Maybe try talking to Bucky about it?" Natasha suggests, either incapable of hiding her amused smile or unwilling to try.

"I would if I ever saw him for longer than a 'hi, how are you' at the gym," you mumble. Fact is, you’re getting pissed about him giving you the silent treatment without even knowing what you did wrong.

Because before this, whatever this is, things were fine. Great, even. Free afternoons were spent on each other’s couches, introducing him to your favorite tv shows and letting him teach you that stupid card game he loves so damn much. You’d even been starting to imagine that there might be something …

Clearly, you were wrong.

Now, you can’t even look at him without your throat closing up. It’s like you woke up a few weeks ago and he’s become an entirely different person around you, much more like he was at the beginning of your friendship, distant and cold.

He didn’t even tell you that he’d signed up for a transfer.

The mission call feels like your last chance.

A whole evening of teamwork and espionage, of him basically having no other choice than talking to you and finally telling you why the fuck he would get himself reassigned without even telling you beforehand. You could’ve hugged Fury for the opportunity.

That is, until you’re handed the file containing your fake identities for the op a few hours before you’re supposed to leave.

"You’re joking," you say as soon as you open the door.

"Great, you’re here as well," Steve says dryly. "Again, a) you both gotta learn how to knock, b) the whole thing wasn’t my idea or my decision, but I also think it’s the best directive for what you’re trying to do, and c) no, there’s no one else available for the mission. Anything I missed?"

Bucky deliberately doesn’t meet your eye, his arms still crossed as he stares Steve down with a look you can’t decipher. He doesn’t even acknowledge you standing in the door, but his foot is doing the tapping thing again.

You purse your lips and join the staring.

Steve sighs, rubbing his temples with the palms of his hands. "Listen, you two work well together and I know these past few weeks have been … strained"—you almost laugh at that—"but it’s just one night."

"We need to pretend we’re married," you say. "How’re we going to pull that off if he can’t stand being in the same room as me?"

"I trust that there won’t be any issues." Steve raises an eyebrow at Bucky as he says that, but of course he doesn’t get a reply. That would necessitate talking in your presence.

"One night," Bucky repeats through gritted teeth.

Not for the first time, there seems to be some sort of silent conversation between the two of them that you’re not privy to. You roll your eyes.

"I’ll see you later."

You leave with your back straight and without a glance over your shoulder, the door slamming shut behind you.

For a moment, you’re tempted to barge into Natasha’s office next, but you have a feeling like she’d just give you another one of her looks again, which really won’t better your mood. So instead, you slam another door and flop onto your bed, blankly staring at the ceiling for a while.

Surely, there’s some twisted sort of irony in this whole situation, but you’re not laughing.

Usually, before a mission, you’d get bagels together from the bakery around the corner. You haven’t done that in a while, but you’re still quietly begging your phone to show a new unread message when you look at the time however long later.

Instead, there’s just your lockscreen picture of Bucky’s grinning face that you can’t bear to get rid off, no matter how many times it stings you. It’s almost a year old, now, back when you’d taken him to go do your holiday shopping with you, insisting that "no one’s gonna recognize you, look at that great cap you’re wearing".

It’d started snowing halfway through the afternoon, and he’d kept reaching for your hand in order not to lose you in the crowd. You both gave up halfway through your list and just went to get coffee instead, strolling through Central Park and talking about nothing and everything.

That’s when you’d realized you'd been falling in love with him, laughing and fingers freezing around your paper cup, a strange new warmth spreading throughout your body.

You need to change your lockscreen.

***

Half an hour before pick-up, you leave your room with a duffle bag slung over your shoulder and almost run into Bucky. He’s leaning against the opposite wall like he’s been waiting for you, and it stings because that’s what he always used to do, back when you were still talking. When you could still pretend that maybe, just maybe, your feelings weren’t quite so hopeless.

Now, though, his easy smile is missing. Instead, an ever-present frown is furrowing his brows again, his mouth opened just a little, but nothing comes out.

"Look, I don’t want to do this any more than you do," you sigh. "But it’s a two-person job."

He nods, his tongue poking his cheek. "I know."

"Do you think you’re gonna be alright with us pretending we’re madly in love for a whole evening?"

Bucky’s jaw tightens. "I’ll be fine."

Of course he’s going to be fine.

You grab the strap of your bag more tightly. "I wish you would just tell me what I did."

"You didn’t do anything." If he’s telling the truth, though, why does he look so numb?

For a moment, you want to shout at him, cry, beg, make him tell you when and how this went wrong, but you don’t. You just stare at him in silence, hoping he’ll get it anyway, and he refuses to notice it.

"So," Bucky finally says. "You ready to get hitched?"

There’s the ghost of a grin in his eyes, and even though it’s not enough to mask the uncomfortable tilt of his shoulders, you sigh. At least he’s trying, you suppose.

"Let’s just get fake-married so we can fake-divorce and go our separate ways," you say, walking past him.

"I’ve got something for you."

You turn around again, raising your eyebrows as he holds up a ring between the fingers of his left hand. There’s a giant stone set in its center, striking and sparkling and not subtle in the slightest. Tony really went all out for appearance’s sake. Your fingers involuntarily tighten around the strap of your bag.

Bucky drops the ring in the palm of your hand.

"Quite the present," you chuckle nervously. You don’t even want to know how much this thing costs, and you feel like they're going to chop off your head if something happens to it.

"Try it on, then."

It’s a bit too large on your finger, and it feels foreign. It’s not you at all. Then again, it’s not supposed to be you.

Before you can say anything, though, Bucky shakes his head. "What?" you say with a roll of your eyes.

"That couldn’t look more fake if you tried. Wait a sec."

He turns his back towards you and rummages through his bag for a while, his jaw still set as he holds out his hand once more. With a sigh, you pull the ring off again and return it, but before you can pull your hand back, he catches it in his own.

This one slides onto your finger perfectly, and your eyes widen at the sight of it. It’s a lot subtler, with only a small emerald for decoration, but it’s so delicate and beautiful it takes your breath away.

Bucky’s mouth opens and closes, but he swallows whatever came to his mind. "That’s better," he says instead, and his voice sounds oddly rough.

"They gave you a backup?" you say, angling your hand this way and that to see how the gem catches the light.

"Mhm."

Something is off about this whole situation, but then you feel like you don’t really know Bucky anymore. Not like you used to, anyway. It used to be so easy to get a read on him.

You stand there in silence for a moment, and it’s only then that both of you realize he’s still holding your hand. He drops it immediately, and you pretend it doesn’t sting.

"How come you don’t get a ring?" you ask.

"Says who?" Bucky says, clearing his throat and activating the camouflage sleeve Tony had installed for his arm. Sure enough, there’s a ring on his hand as well.

You grab his hand curiously. When you touch it, there’s no difference between his fingers and the pseudo-platinum band, all of it just cool vibranium in disguise.

"It’s fake," you say. "It’s not the same."

"No," he agrees and pulls his hand away. "Looks real enough, though."

You notice the red splotches on his neck and wonder what it is that you’ve said this time, but it’s pointless anyway. He’s not going to tell you even if you asked.

Maybe you should be used to him icing you out by now, but it still hurts.

***

"Yes, Steve, I know," you sigh. "We’re just gathering intel, nothing else."

"I just wanted to have you say it again so we’re all clear. You both love taking risks when it’s not necessary."

"Alright, punk, we got it," Bucky says, tugging at his tie again.

You can’t even blame him for the nervous habit; you’ve been twisting your fake wedding ring around your finger for the entire drive.

This isn’t the first time the two of you had to go undercover as a couple; hell, it’s not even the first time you’ve pretended to be married. Usually, though, you could have a laugh about the whole thing together.

Now you barely know how to act around Bucky as yourself, let alone as some made up woman.

"I think we’re going to attract a lot of attention if we don’t get out soon," you say, readjusting the collar of your blouse underneath your coat.

You notice Steve staring at your hand for a moment, a frown between his brows, but his lips curve upwards a split second later. "Ready to do this?" he asks and you smile a little in confirmation.

Bucky takes another breath and then he nods curtly. "Let’s go."

The change that goes through him as soon as the two of you climb out of the car is so stark you almost turn on your heels again and beg Steve to let you off the hook, after all. His hand sneaks around your waist and pulls you closely into his side as you walk towards the hotel, all soft smiles and charm.

"Sorry for the holdup," he tells the bellman waiting next to your bags with a wink. "The missus and I just needed another minute."

You lightly slap Bucky’s chest in fake indignation. It’s quick thinking on his part, really.

When you’re checking in under your assumed names for the evening, he keeps his arm around you, and the content look stays in his eyes. A subtle glance at your surroundings tells you some of your persons of interest have already arrived early for the event tonight, looking around the sparkling lobby with the same feigned boredom.

Bucky nudges your cheek with his nose and then smiles again when you look at him. It makes your brain shut off for a moment.

When he looks at you like this, it’s so easy to forget the past couple of months and just pretend for a moment. What if there was no mission at all, and it could simply be the two of you?

But of course, that’s not possible. All of it is fake, including the way he looks at you. You know that.

So how come it doesn’t feel fake to you at all?

***

You hate this dress, you hate these people, you hate this dinner, and most of all, you hate how much you enjoy spending this much time so physically close to Bucky.

It feels so natural when he links your hand with yours, so fucking meant to be, even though he’s just putting on a show for the band of creeps you’re tasked to keep an eye on.

But damn if he’s not good at it.

It’s amazing, really, how his eyes immediately soften when you turn your head towards him, like you’re the only person in the whole room. He looks at you during this charade like you wish he’d look at you daily, even far from prying eyes around you; especially then. It makes your breath shorten, your heart pounding erratically because it thinks it’s getting everything it’s ever hoped for.

Hearts are often stupid like that.

A full night of glances and touches and the pretence of secret whispers will do all kinds of twisted things to your feelings.

There’s a lull in the conversation, and when Bucky squeezes your hand you realize he’s no longer the only one who’s looking at you.

You chuckle nervously. "I’m sorry, I got … distracted for a moment. What were you saying?"

"Ah, newlyweds," one of the investor goons laughs. He’s a particularly vile looking man whose suit is way too big on his spindly limbs.

Bucky, academy award winning actor in another lifetime, chuckles politely while the fondness in his eyes seems to increase tenfold. "We’ve been married three years, actually," he says, sticking to your official cover story.

It’d been Tony’s idea to keep your fake timeline as close to the truth as possible to avoid any slip-ups. It’s a great move on paper, really, but in reality it just adds another nail to the coffin.

Three years ago, you were on a mission in Brussels, only the second one ever where it was just the two of you. It was mostly surveillance, so one of you usually had downtime while the other kept lookout. It became customary that you’d entertain each other during those long hours, getting to know each other intimately for the first time, taking the first tentative steps towards the friendship you now share.

That mission was the groundwork of your falling in love with him in the first place.

"You seem to be doing something right if you’re both still so enamoured with each other," Spindly Arms says.

"I’m the luckiest guy in the world," Bucky responds, still looking into your eyes. "It’s hard not to do the right thing, then."

He presses a kiss to your cheek and you smile timidly. His lips linger for just a moment, and then he moves to whisper into your ear, something you’re sure looks like sweet nothings to everybody else but is actually a, "Don’t fall asleep on me."

You tilt your head, shove him teasingly as if he’d said something inappropriate, and because he’s always been quick to catch on he winks, obvious enough so that the other people that are part of this conversation can clearly see it.

It’s not long after this that you excuse yourselves, walking around the room with apparent aimlessness. Everything is sparkling with pure gold decorations and countless little twinkling lights that have been scattered around the room like millions of fireflies. You spot an actual orchestra right underneath the massive Christmas tree.

"Kind of tacky, don’t you think?" Bucky murmurs with a sideway glance at you.

"Maybe a little," you say.

The truth is, though, the room looks oversaturated and expensive and magnificent. Something straight out of a Hallmark movie, more like a movie set than a real place.

It’s the one thing that keeps this whole thing from being completely unbearable.

He must have seen the truth in your eyes, because he ducks his head and says quietly, "I’m gonna go check out the terrace."

You just nod and smile as he kisses your cheek again and then vanishes through the crowd with a few long strides. Sighing, you take another drink from the tray a waiter offers you, absent-mindedly rubbing your cheek.

"What a lovely surprise," a voice says next to you and you freeze for a moment before forcing yourself to calmly take a sip. "Miss … Winter, was it?"

"Mrs," you say with a pleasant smile. "Good evening, Director."

"Right, of course." Director de Fontaine eyes her martini warily. "I don’t suppose these olives are fresh, do you?"

Your mind is racing. If she’s here on official business, then your entire operation might be compromised.

"So," she continues, looking rather bored. "Met any interesting people yet, Mrs Winter?"

"Oh, yes," you say lightly, clinging to your role of unassuming young wife. "It’s all rather exciting."

"I’m sure. These kinds of events are all very … shiny." She looks into your eyes and there’s an almost explicit warning written in hers. "It’s surprisingly easy to get blinded."

You swallow heavily even as she smiles. "If you’ll excuse me, I think I see someone …"

You quickly walk over to the buffet table where some of the wives have formed a semi circle of gossip, trying your best to hide your sigh of relief when the director doesn’t follow you.

For a few minutes, you lose yourself in pointless gossip, until one of the women takes hold of your forearm.

"You must tell us, what’s your secret?"

"Excuse me?" you chuckle nervously.

"Your husband!" she exclaims, earning a few nods from some of the others. "He clearly adores you," she goes on. "I don’t think he’s looked away from you once since you joined us."

You steal a look around your shoulder. She’s right. Bucky’s gaze immediately locks with yours, an almost bashful grin on his lips. You caught me, his eyes seem to say, and you feel a rush of heat go through you.

He should be nominated for an Oscar with this performance.

Quickly, you turn around again to meet several expectant pairs of eyes.

"I don’t know what to tell you," you say. "He’s just … always been like this. I mean, he’s my best friend. I really don’t know what I would do without him."

There’s not a word of a lie in what you’re saying, and it elicits a round of coos and murmurs even as your heart gives a sharp pang.

"Dance with me?"

You flinch, turning to look at Bucky’s outstretched hand, at the sad, hopeful look in his eyes, and the line between reality and fiction blurs a bit more.

You take his hand, and he pulls you onto the dance floor, some cheery Christmas song ramping up to its big finale. Then, the band switches to a slower song. To you, it sounds mournful.

"That was nice," Bucky mutters into your ear. "What you said."

"I meant it, you know," you whisper, but he turns, and you don’t think he’s heard you.

Bucky places his hand on your hip and you hide a shudder. His gloved fingers wrap around yours, and then you start moving again.

You barely know the steps, but he’s a great leader, and he doesn’t say anything when you step on his toes. In fact, his gaze softens even more when he looks at you after the third time, the hand around your waist pulling you a little closer.

"How are you doing this?" you say without stopping to smile.

"Easy," Bucky says, and the way he says it almost makes you believe it’s true.

You bite your lip, trying to stop yourself from breathing him in. "I didn’t mean the dancing."

With the last note of the song, you stumble over his foot again and he snorts. "Me neither."

The melody changes and neither of you lets go. His steps are getting slower, smaller, like he’s just trying to keep both of you in motion. Your head is spinning. The twinkling lights are starting to blur into a great mass of stars in the background, like you’re at the center of a music box and everything else is just background noise.

You wrap both hands around his neck as you’re swaying, then, your foreheads only inches apart. You could stay in this moment forever, you think, as it stretches into blissful infinity. Somewhere, a clock strikes ten.

Bucky leans in a little closer and your breath hitches again.

"It’s time," he whispers, and your eyes fly open.

You’d almost forgotten about the mission.

"Val is here," you say quietly.

His expression hardens for just a second. "What?"

"She came to talk to me earlier. She knows we’re here."

"Why didn’t you say something?"

"I … There wasn’t time."

"We’re just gonna have to be quick and discrete."

You open your mouth, but then you see the distance close in again between you two, and so you just nod.

The plan is almost laughably simple, but it’s probably going to work out just as you’ve laid out beforehand. Everyone in the room has watched the two of you staring at each other for the past couple of hours, so no one bats an eye when Bucky nudges you gently and you make your way up the stairs to the fancy elevator that’s going to take you up to a bedroom.

Or, more specifically, to a bedroom that’s being used to store all kinds of evidence, but no one else needs to know that little detail.

You notice the director talking to Spindly Arms and a couple of other people, but you force your gaze not to linger on her. Instead, you grab Bucky’s hand more tightly.

He lets go of you as soon as the elevator doors close behind the two of you, dragging a hand through his hair and messing it up. There aren’t any cameras in the elevator, but you’re both pretty sure there will be on the floor you’re going. "CIA exposure, that’s exactly what we needed."

"There was nothing I could’ve done," you say, tugging your sleeves down your shoulders.

"I’m not blaming you, sweetheart," Bucky says distractedly, loosening his tie. Your heart makes a very heavy thud. "But if Walker shows up tonight as well, I’m gonna shoot first and ask questions later."

"No, you won’t," you say with a grin, mostly because you know he didn’t bring his gun because the male attendees were all frisked at the entrance.

"Maybe I’ll throw a knife. I could say it was an accident."

The conversation lasts barely a moment, but it reminds you so much of what the two of you used to be, it hurts.

You follow him stumbling out of the elevator onto the right floor with a breathless laugh. There’s no one in sight as you subtly check the room numbers before making him follow you with a coquettish smile for the security camera.

You find the right door without much trubble, pulling the keycard out of your inconvenient little handbag. "Come on now," you murmur as the lock rejects it at the first try.

Suddenly, Bucky’s hand is on your waist again, and you gasp as he spins around. The keycard drops to the floor.

He presses you against the wall, effectively trapping you in his embrace. Your hands are laid flat against his chest, his heart thundering madly underneath your fingertips. Bucky’s eyes flit around madly, like he’s trying to come up with something on the spot and, for the first time since you’ve known him, is left without ideas.

You gasp as his nose brushes against yours.

"Sorry," he whispers hoarsely. And then he kisses you.

Your body responds immediately, lighting a fire in your core as his lips press against yours, hungry, gentle, almost apologetic. You can taste the champagne on his tongue.

You arch your back against him on instinct as his hands travel down your arms, brushing your hips, your tighs, slowly parting your dress at the slit. Your eyes fly open the moment you realize what he’s doing, even though he swallows your gasp.

In one smooth motion, he pulls the I.C.E.R. out of the garter on your thigh and fires a single, silenced shot. The guy with the earpiece barely has the time to grunt before he sacks against the opposite wall, unconscious, his hand still in the pocket of his jacket.

"Fuck," you hiss, pushing Bucky away from you. He stumbles slightly, the gun loose in his fingers. His eyes are almost black as he blinks at you. "You could have told me we’re being shadowed."

Bucky’s mouth is stained from your lipstick, and the sight of that alone makes your head swim. You can still feel the ghost of his hand on your leg.

"It’d have blown our cover," he replies, infuriatingly calm. "Hate me later, our window has just narrowed by a bit."

You swallow, blinking to try and gain control over your breath again, grabbing your gun back with a short nod. "Let’s finish this, then."

***

Back at the Compound, you both give an exhausted report about the events of the night, leaving out nothing but your improvised kiss on floor fifteen.

Your lips are still tingling with it.

Finally, you and Bucky are left alone in the briefing room, and for the first time in weeks, he doesn’t just get up and leave as soon as the silence takes hold. Instead, you both sit next to each other, staring straight ahead.

"I guess we should talk," he says slowly, reluctantly, and you can’t help it.

Your defenses shoot up again.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about," you say, squinting.

"Yes, you do." He’s lost the tie hours ago, but he keeps tugging at the fabric in his hands as if it could give him the words he’s looking for. "I shouldn’t have kissed you, not with … Not like that."

"Like you said, the guy would’ve blown our cover," you say, crossing your arms.

"Doesn’t make it right."

"What do you want me to say, Buck?" you say sharply. "That you should’ve talked to me before? Well, I’m kind of used to you not doing that anymore, so just forget it."

"Y/N—"

"No, really, it’s fine. Like I said, you’re leaving, anyway, so what does it matter. Didn’t tell me you were planning to do that, either. You just did it."

"You know why I’m leaving."

"No, I fucking don’t!" There are tears in your eyes now. "I have been trying really hard, Bucky, but you’ve just shut me out. I thought you needed space, which is fine, by the way, but you just—one day you decided you were done with me and that was it."

He stares at you incredulously. "You seriously don’t remember."

"Don’t remember what?!"

"That you were talking about me. To Natasha."

The memory rushes through you so violently it’s almost ridiculous you hadn’t thought about it in months.

You’d just come back from another undercover op, and you’d called her right as the door to your room had closed behind you because not for the first time, your feelings had threatened to spill over again.

"You should talk to him. Be honest."

"No, Nat, come on, I can’t—I can’t do that to him. I can’t risk … you know, he’s my best friend. And that’s all it can ever be. I don’t want to ruin what we have. I just wish he’d make it easier."

"You’re making excuses, you know. Both of you deserve a bit of happiness, don’t you think?"

"I tried," Bucky says now, barely looking at you. "I tried making it easier. But you’re so …"

"So what?" you ask hollowly, ignoring the fact that you can feel the tears starting to trickle down your cheeks now. "So pathetic? That’s what this is about, isn’t it? That’s why you asked for the transfer, so you can be rid of me."

"Rid of you?" Bucky starts, but you ignore him.

"You know what, Bucky, fuck you if you think my feelings for you are so much of an inconvenience that you need to leave the state. Silly me for thinking we could be adults about this."

"You’re the one who wouldn’t just tell me."

"Well, now you know anyway and I’m sure once you’re off to Cairo or wherever the fuck they’re going to send you, you can have a big old laugh about the stupid girl who fell in love with you despite the fact that—"

"Love?"

"I mean, obviously?!"

"You … you’re in love … with me?" There’s something very soft and vulnerable in Bucky’s eyes.

"Are we talking about two different phone calls?"

"I thought you hated me."

You huff incredulously. "Why would I hate you?"

"That’s why I gave you space, I thought … but then …" He grabs your hands. "Sweetheart, I’ve been in love with you for years."

It punches the air out of your lungs. "What?"

Bucky’s eyes are devastating as he looks at you, then. "I’m so sorry, I—I got it all wrong, I was just—I thought you know and you didn’t see me like that and that’s why I …"

"You …?" you say, still not quite comprehending what’s going on.

His thumb caresses your knuckles, halting when it makes contact with the ring you’re still wearing. "I'm in love with you," he says quietly.

"I don’t understand," you whisper.

"Please tell me I didn’t fuck this up completely."

This time, you’re the one to lean in.

Where your first kiss in the hallway had been feverish, this one is soft, almost unbelievably sweet, both of you still breathless with the fact that you’re allowed to do this. Finally, it feels like all the pieces are falling into place and you’re home again.

You press closer into him and Bucky smiles against your lips, pulling you in with his hands on your hips just like he did when you were dancing earlier.

The loudspeakers overhead crackle. "Alright, kids, we’re gonna break this up until you’re back in your own quarters, I don’t want to expose FRIDAY to the creation of your sex tape."

You break up with a snort.

"Fuck you, Tony," Bucky shouts, but he’s still smiling as wide as you’ve ever seen him do.

You giggle as you nudge your nose against his, curling your fingers into his hair. "That reminds me, you know."

"Of what?"

"Quick and discrete," you mumble, repeating his words from the hotel. "Title of your sex tape."

Bucky groans and shuts you up again.

(A few years later, you get the ring back.)

happy holidays, y'all 💛 thank you for reading!! if you want to see more of my writing, check out my masterlist or follow @intrepidacious-fics for update notifications!!

[critical-thinking-is-mandatory]

Sorry I'm being very spammy to miraculous salt blogs cause I saw this one ML sugar post that made me start think: do you think miraculous is overall a well written show or a badly written show?

oh it's definitely the latter (in my opinion). like, I feel like ML is trying too hard to be too many things and failing at it, and then all its other problems come from there.

is it an episodic kids/pre-teen show with no overarching plot but recurring themes of friendship?

yes but it's also got an overarching plot and covers themes of abuse and death and sickness which is more suited to older kids/young-mid teens.

AND it's also high art with deep themes aimed at older teens but if you think about those themes you're *wrong* actually because it's just a kid's show! it's not that deep! stupid SJW!! >:(

it's like the creators couldn't just pick *one thing* and work with it. they couldn't pick *one* age bracket to aim it at, they couldn't pick whether they wanted a long-running episodic serial or if they wanted a story with a bigger plot. they can't just pick one, and that's given us our issues with the status quo, our issues with a dull and repetitive plot, the juvenile, slapstick humour, tackling Adrien's abuse with all the delicacy and precision of a jack-hammer, professing deep themes of Importance For Adults/Older Teens and in the next breath treating the audience like toddlers.

And I'm not saying you can't create a kids show that handles hard themes but still resonates with a wide audience, I think Avatar has shown us that that is well and truly possible, but the success of Avatar is largely because it picked an audience and a theme and a story-telling method, and. Stuck. With. It.

Of course there's also a number of other things that go into a well-written story, and with a cast as large as ML, characters, interesting characterisation, relationships and character arcs are VITAL.

ML has a huge cast of recurring characters. In Season 1 alone we get: Marinette, Tikki, Adrien, Plagg, Hawkmoth/Gabriel, the whole Miracuclass (like 8? kids), Ms Bustier, Sabrina's Dad, Nathalie, Sabine, Tom, Mayor Bourgeois, Jagged, Master Fu, Manon, and Nadja Chamack.

That's not even including one-off characters who never show up again OR the likes of Mr Ramier/Pigeon who come back later on more and more often.

That is a huge cast. And when you have a cast that big you need a way to make your main cast stand out other than giving them tonnes of screen time *cough* adrien *cough*. ML utterly fails at this. S1 Adrien feels like a puppet and later on like a wet cardboard cut out. Felix has more arc and personality and bite than one of our main characters for cripe's sake.

S1 Marinette was, by far, probably the most explored of all her iterations. She was doing stuff, going places, having personality beyond just awooga adrien!!

But that is where they peaked. In S1. Like 6 or 8 years ago. A messy plot and world can be...overlooked if the characters are compelling enough. But ML hasn't got either. It doesn't give us Plot or Characters, or nice animation or a fun world or much of anything really.

Its only real value is to put something brightly coloured on TV to distract a small child. And like? It is so, so clear that the crew work hard on the show, but it's really not paid off. Like, at all. Other than, of course, the profits from the cheap merch being bought to please and pacify little kids, but I think we all know no one in anything less than an executive position will see any of that money.

So TL;DR: the story has no clear goal, no clear audience, the characters are forgettable and dull, the themes have no teeth. Overall, a badly written show. The time, energy and money could've easily gone to something better.

[yandreamings]

Hooray, thank you so much! 🥺 Sorry if I messed up your schedule of things lmao!

For a match up, my I'd like a man! I am an INFP Cancer that LOVES to cuddle, I literally cannot survive unless I am cuddling someone, it's just a big love language of mine! 🥺 I've been told I am very emphatic, a bit brave lmao, sweet, cute, optimistic and bubbly!! I love making others smile and I hate it when my friends are down in the dumps, if they're sad I get sad too y'know? I LOVE sweets, yogurt, and pretty much anything related to potatoes!! My hobbies would include playing Genshin (LMAO), writing, listening to music, watching anime/tv shows, listening/reading scary stories and true crime (I have a big obsession with this!!), simple daydreaming, being with friends and taking long walks! My not so good traits would be that I have a big problem with procrastinating, I get moody really easily and I'm not very good with first impressions... I have the kind of personality that you'll either bloody adore or despise, in-betweens are RARE. I've also been told that I can come off as a bit too blunt at times which does intimidate some people at times. I often just say whatever is going on in my head, not really thinking things through but no matter how stupid they are I always save myself in the end. 🙃

Also, congratulations on 200 followers! It's really cool to see you grow and you deserve it! I hope your blog explodes and becomes super popular! Thank you so much sweetie! ❤️

Of course! And you didn't at all, please don't worry. Tumblr has a tendency to be a real pain in the ass sometimes! Thank you so much; it means the world to me, especially coming from you! 🥺Apologies for the delay, and I hope you enjoy. <3

I match you with… DAZAI OSAMU!

Has Dazai died and gone to heaven? Is he seeing the pearly gates? When you first speak to him, that's all he can think- you're an angel, so bubbly and kind, so lovely and easy to talk to! He has never been one to grow attached to someone so easily like this, but there's something strange about you that hooks him in. Good luck!

Even if you think your first encounter was a one-off interaction, you'll see him more. Popping into your workplace to surprise you, seeing you at your favourite cafe and other meetings that are just too odd to be coincidental.

Being touchy by nature, Dazai is more than happy to help you with your cuddling habit. More often than not, he makes excuses to have his hands on you in one way or another. He'll claim it's just because you're so cute and he can't resist you, which is true, but it's also a not-so-subtle way to hint to those around you that you're taken.

It's all good and fun in the early stages, but he starts to show his true nature soon enough. He's jealous and possessive, manipulative and controlling... he says it's all for your own good and that he's just worried about losing you, but the glint in his eye tells you otherwise.

Your empathetic and sweet ways will be taken advantage of very quickly. Oh, you want to go out with friends...? He thought you were going to stay home and have a night in with him... what's that? You'll stay after all? Aw, he knew you'd come around!

When you're on one of your long walks, you can't help but feel like someone has their eyes on you. And you're right to feel that way- do you really think he will let you wander around on your own? Don't be silly! Someone might just take you as their own, you know? He can't have someone else touching his darling.

Well... he's hypocritical in that way because sometimes, all he can think about is snatching you up and keeping you in his arms for the rest of your days. You wouldn't mind, would you? After all, he loves you so much.

[unsc-offical]

(I'm just gonna reblog my answer and not tag 9 more people because I only know like 3-4 people in halo tumblr)(and they've already been tagged)

Honestly up until 2-3 weeks ago I figured that faking my death and pretending to be another officer was enough but considering people keep attempting to kill me everyday I'm gonna assume I've been re-found so I guess I may as well answer

Last song-

Favorite color- navy blue and most other colors like that. Sometimes I like yellow.

Currently watching- so many things, I have weekly shows like whatever star trek is on at the time (lower decks currently, go watch it NOW), or only murders in the building, I'm also rewatching buffy tvs but that's all with my family, personally I've been watching red versus blue, any walking dead stuff I can get my hands on for free (webisodes) a YouTube series about the comic and tv show differences in the walking dead, I've also been digging into Garfield's weird lore and internet presence. I also am sad to admit I've been watching a very long playlist of one of my favorite gaming YouTuber's old... [Audible sigh] among us videos. I'm sorry I'll delete the blog now. (Hey at least it's not stupid "among us poppy playtime squid game Minecraft Ohio gyatt at 3am buzzword buzzword buzzword consume consume consume con-" it's normal stuff every YouTuber was doing back in 2020-21, I have standards. Anyway moving on)

Sweet/spicy/savoury-

All at once 😈😈😈

I'm a big fan of all three. Also umami or whatever.

Relationship status-

Single. No time for relationships when you're dropping into hell

Fr though I'm aroace and a minor so

Current obsession-

Read this to the tune of the nations of the world by wakko Warner, or don't, I can't tell you what to do, the list probably won't be long enough and this part will just come off as weird. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and get into it; halo, lord of the rings, Garfield, starfield, battlestar galactica, deep rock galactic, aliens (franchise titled aliens), starship troopers (THE ONLY GOOD BUG IS A DEAD BUG), the walking dead, Garfield, <small>among us</small> , star trek, hollow knight, archery (the sport), (I could go on but this post is already longer than my entire fanfic lmao)

Last thing I googled-

Seth Gilliam (I was watching starship troopers for the first time and I was like wait is that Gabriel (the walking dead) ?)

Currently working on-

Halo Straight into hell (doing such a good job with my schedule, I'm no longer making promises because I clearly can't stick to them. Maybe a post tomorrow), making benches for a campsite I'm working on, school stuff, and raising baby cats.

@oni-official don't add this to my next psych eval I stg

9 People You'd Like To Get To Know Better

Tagged by @aqgarts. Bold. Thanks.

It'll be me, the Director, answering since I reckon 26th century media is overdone.

Last song: Plenty - Alternate Version by aeseaes. ONI playlist coming soon.

Favourite colour: I like my gray-scale shades but, outside of that, matte/dull gunmetal blue.

Currently watching: You, reading this. (I have a lot of trouble getting into series.)

Last movie: The Highwaymen.

Currently reading: Men at Arms - City Watch Arc, Discworld, Terry Pratchett.

Sweet/spicy/savory: Spicy/Savoury all the way.

Relationship status: Single. That's the thing about being a spook-

Current obsession: Halo. How ripe with potential.

Last thing I googled: 350F to C (I was baking cookies)

Currently working on: Fallen Angels [File 3.1], a retelling of an ODST squad's mission on a world lost to the Covenant, recently declassified. I swear we'll have this out soon.

There is, of course, zero pressure to respond since ONI already knows everything about you, but we wouldn't mind updating our files -

@sign-language-is-pretty-handy @tvlovesfandom @mel-a-art @holyshonks @ageless-aislynn @dougielombax @gameknigh @unsc-offical @monitorchakas

[iguessweallcrazyithinktho]

Unknown reason

Harry hating the reader for a reason she doesn't know. One day he explodes at her and makes her cry so harry has to apologise and make it up to her so he takes her on a date

WARNING: angst, yelling, curse words from harry, crying.

PAIRING: harry styles x reader

My blog is safe for all ages so don't say anything weird

Request closed

Please don't post any of my content anywhere else without my permission.

It was unlike harry to upset anyone ever. He was always seen as the guy who loved people, treated them with kindness, but unfortunately he fucked up and upsetted you. embarrassed and humiliated you in front of a whole group. Something he never watched to do, now he had to fix it.

Through your year of knowing harry you never understood why he hated you. Whenever Sarah invited you to go with her and Mitch out partying, you always saw harry. You tended to smile and be polite as possible but harry always had a scolded on his face and giving you the side eye.

The first time he did that you gave him space thinking maybe he wasn't in the mood for just that night. Unfortunately you were wrong.

Everytime you saw harry he scolded and avoided you. You felt so guilty, not having a clue what the problem was with him and you. But no matter what you were always the girl who smiled at him because you were nice like that.

Harry on the other hand didn't understand why he was upset with you. He thought you were a sweet person but a part of him didn't like you.

It was something he was trying to figure out but for now he couldn't help it.

---

You sat in the bar booth, wine was stuck in between your fingers as you took sips of it every now and then. Your eyes scanned the room occasionally, seeing people you knew and some strangers. At first you didn't notice harry but you eventually found him in the corner standing with a bunch of girls who were giddy.

In the pit of your heart it ached at the sight, you tore your eyes away not wanting to see the sight anymore.

You downed all of your wine with one gulp before getting up. You walked to the bar needing another one so you can get as wasted as possible, you were at a bar anyway.

You sat on the bar stool, it squeaked as you sat on it. The bartender walked up to you with her warming smile, "what can I get you miss?" "Um another wine thanks."

She nodded before going to get you another. You waited a few minutes; Your fingers running over your slick back hair.

After a while of wait she brought back Your wine. You thanked her by tipping before you go up to go to your table.

As you got out of your seat you ran right into someone, quite hard. You gasped loudly as your wine spilt over your dress. You took a big hit which was painful but you were more pissed at the wine spill.

you looked up at the person you ran into. It was a girl and right beside was Harry freaking styles. They both had a frown on their faces, visibly pissed off. "Watch where you're going." The women spit out.

you side eyed her. She was more at fault than you were more than anything. "How about you watch were you're going instead of paying attention to harold here."

You rolled your eyes before you walked off. You huffed as you sat back down in the booth. Sarah looked at you; she saw the whole thing go down.

"you alright?" You turned to her, "yeah, yeah I'm fi-,"

You were interrupted by a sudden voice. "Y/n you're a cunt." You looked up to see harry. He had his finger wagging in your face, his eyebrows knitted together. "Ya' don't watch were you're fuckin going and resulted in me losing a girl. You ruin every fucking thing and you shouldn't be here because your stupid."

The whole bar was quite as harry finished yelling at you. You felt your heart drop in your chest. You've been called names, been bullied, and yelled at various times throughout your life but nothing has heart you severely as much as harry's words.

You gulped as you felt tears form in your eyes. Before you know it you were racing out of the bar. Sarah called after you but didn't follow.

When you were out of sight, she turned to harry. "what the hell is your problem?"

Harry sighed, the guilt, more guilt than he's ever felt rushed over him. He hated what he did. He didn't even like the girl, he was such an idiot and he knew it.

"Sarah.... It just rushed out."

"yeah, well Maybe you should think before you rush things out." With that Sarah grabbed her bag and stormed out to find you. Harry looked over at Mitch who shook his head before turning back to his own drink. Harry fucked up big time.

--

For a whole two weeks harry was thinking of a way to fix the problem he created. He wanted to talk to you, to apologize but unfortunately the several times he's gone to the bar with Mitch, Sarah and the gang, you weren't there.

Harry felt a pit in his heart Because he knew it was his fault. He just genuinely wanted to make it right.

You on the other hand was getting through it. You still thought about that moment, and it hurted you over and over again, but you were strong enough to let it go.

You opted out on participating on anything with Sarah and Mitch Because you knew 9 times out of 10 harry was going to be there.

You couldn't face him. He was sick of you and you understood seeing how many people have walked out of your life. You didn't blame him entirely. You just wish things were a little different.

---

You sat on the couch, a bag of chips sitting in between your crisscrossed legs as you watched a drama TV show. It was getting intense and you were enjoying it.

30 minutes In you got a knock on your front door. You groaned and paused the video before getting up and walked to the door. Another ring interrupted just as you reached the door; You groaned and up it. "Hi." You said in a soft tone not wanting to get made at the stranger. But it was no stranger, it was Harry.

He stood there fiddling with his hands as he looked up at you. "Hey, can we talk?" You sighed, "sure.

You let harry inside and led him to the living room. You sat on the couch while harry sat down beside him. There was an awkward silence between the two of you before Harry spoke. "I wanted to come and apologise for wh't I did the other day. I was so stupid for yelling at you and I shouldn't have, so I'm sorry."

Harry peered up at you seeing if he can see any sign of forgiveness but you sat there staring at the floor. His heart pounded in his chest as he waited for you to speak.

After a while you decided to speak. "You really hurt me harry." You took a brief silence before speaking. "And I was really embarrassed.. but I don't hate you. I have always trying to be nice to you but you've always scolded me. Why do you hate me?"

Harry looked at you, he could see the pain in your eyes. It broke his heart. "No, no I don't hate you. God, I'm sorry." He ran his hands over his face before reaching out to your shoulders.

"I don't hate you, I never did And never will. I'm sorry." Harry's voice grew soft as he trailed off.

"It's okay." You took his hand and intertwined it with yours. It sparked a flame inside you and harry.

Harry smiled softly, "great... So to make it up to you, can I take you out to dinner or something?" He scratched the back of his neck getting nervous.

"sure." You blurted out. Harry grinned, "okay, tommorow, around 6 you meet me at the bar?"

You nodded, "yes, sure."

Harry mumbled out an ok before he showed himself out. That night you went to sleep with a smile on your face. You were happy knowing you and harry were okay and also that you were going to dinner with him. You didn't know it but you were falling for him.

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 8*

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

I know, I wait almost 4 days and now you gotta go through this bullshit. I can already hear your cries of anguish and suffering.

I love it so much. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

That being said I promise regular chapters for the rest of the week! Okay I don't promise but I promise to do my best.

Note: Alright it's a fanfic people, alternate universes and all that. So you know what we're saying that all the Carisi sisters are younger, and Sonny was the big bro. Kay? I can't deal with all the continuity stuff.

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

------------------------

Sonny was watching TV with Amanda when his phone went off. He paused the movie and answered the phone:

“Barba it’s kinda late--”

“What's wrong with your cousin?” he flatly said.

“Excuse me?” Sonny asked. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just answer the question, Carisi,” Barba insisted.

“Well it's a loaded question, Barba.” Sonny replied.

“Okay then just answer me this,” Barba sighed. “Why did I come back to my apartment to find her halfway through my once full bottle of vodka and pouting on the couch. Oh, after she had gone through all of my things of course,”

“Aw shit,” Sonny muttered under his breath. “That's kind of on me, Barba,”

“One second babe,” He muttered to Amanda, while he got up and went into his kitchen.

“Babe?” Barba asked.

“It’s just Rollins,” Sonny dismissed it.

“So you have feelings for me, but you’re fucking Rollins?” He asked in a snarky tone.

“What, are you jealous or somethin’ Barba?” Sonny smirked.

“No, don’t be stupid,” Rafael rolled his eyes. “Why is it on you?” He changed the subject.

“I should have never filled her head with doubts and suspicions and then sent her back to your place; when I should have known that you would keep a full bar in your apartment,” Sonny sighed as he ran his hands through his hair.

“Well of course I would keep a stocked bar in my apartment Sonny, I entertain people and I'm a grown man,” Rafael scoffed.

“Yeah, again it's on me,” Sonny repeated.

“Okay so what is wrong with your cousin?” Rafael asked.

“I think that pretty much answers it, don't you think?” Sonny asked in a “duh” tone.

“... I see,” Rafael glanced at his bedroom door wearily.

“Where is she now? Did you send her away? Please tell me you didn't send her away,” Sonny begged.

“No I didn't send her away, she's sleeping it off in my bedroom,” He got up and walked to his bedroom door. “I didn't want to just kick her out because she was upset. I'm not that big of a dick,” He whispered as he watched you sleep. You looked so calm and peaceful, that’s the girl he remembered.

“ You know, this should probably be better explained in person,” Sonny walked back into his living room where Amanda glanced over at him. He motioned for her to get her stuff together.

“Can I come over?”

“Yeah okay, not like I have anything else to do,'' he rolled his eyes as he shut his bedroom door and walked back to his living room.

--------------.

Sonny showed up to Rafael's apartment with a loaded head and a semi heavy conscience. He knocked on the door and Rafael let him inside.

“Okay so what kind of long story is this,” Rafael asked while he poured himself a glass of scotch. He noticed Sonny giving him a weird look.

“What? It's not like she's in here now,” he rolled his eyes.

“True,” He nodded. “Do you have beer?”

“Yes, dark or light?” Rafael made a disgusted face while he asked. He couldn't stand the taste of beer but he always had it on him just in case he had barbarians over such as Sonny.

“Shiner Bock, if you have it,” Sonny requested. Rafael nodded as he went into his ‘party fridge’ and handed him one before sitting on the couch across from him.

“Alright so where do I start?” Sonny thought out loud.

“Well I guess first of all I wanted to say I don’t wanna say I told you so, but this is exactly why I didn't want you and Y/N to get involved in the first place. It had nothing to do with my feelings for you. It’s because I know that you tend to keep relationships with guys and girls chill and casual, but Y/N is a special case and special to me,”

“Yeah.. I wish you had expressed that before,” Rafael groaned.

Well what was I supposed to say in front of her, Barba? ‘Oh hey by the way, you probably shouldn't get involved with my trainwreck of a cousin? Sonny asked defensively.

“Maybe? I don’t know…” Rafael sighed as he put his head in his hands.

“Look, Rafael,” Sonny put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not like she’s some kinda degenerate junkie,”

“Oh well, that’s great--” He started to roll his eyes.

“I’m serious Rafael!” He pounded the table.

“Okay okay, I’m sorry Sonny,” He finally used his first name, trying to be as soft with him as possible. He could see how much you meant to him, and it was really endearing. “Go ahead,”

“Alright,” Sonny sighed, ready to tell your life story. You would probably kill him later for it, but there was no hiding your...issues now, he might as well get the whole context.

“Well, first of all-- her dad died before she was born, overdose,” He began. “Then she was stuck with her junkie mother, my auntie. Who by the way at this point, nobody had heard from in years,” He took a sip of beer.

“So anyways,” He began again. “One day, she showed up at my mom’s doorstep with Y/N, and told her that she can’t take care of Y/N, or that she didn’t want to,” He sighed. “She was three years old by then, I don’t even wanna think about what happened before then,”

“Jesus…” Rafael muttered.

“I was eight years old at the time, my sisters were even younger. My mom and dad had enough on their plate with just us. So, I kinda took her under my wing,” He went on.

“We became so close, she wanted to go by “Sunny” just so she could be like me. I told her it would be confusing for the two of us, so I called her Sunshine, Sunny for short. That way if I’m calling her sunny, then obviously it’s not myself,” He chuckled. To this day, he still called you Sunshine.

“But as she grew up, she just...kinda had a rough go. She didn’t really interact with kids her own age, she was really defensive and untrusting with anybody but me. Not even my parents. And then we got the call that her mother died, and it ripped me up inside to see her body at the funeral. It was so fucked up, she was so fucked up. That’s why I-- I think something really bad happened to her when she was with her mother, Rafael. Like-- really, bad.

“Fuck..." Rafael muttered while glancing at his bedroom door. He didn't want to imagine what you had been through at such a young age. He wanted to run in his room right now and just hold you, but he kept his composure.

“So then I went off to college when she was ten years old, just about to start junior high. She begged me to stay, but I told her she had a good family and that my parents and sisters loved her as much as I did, and to stay out of trouble. But...kids are cruel. They made her harder, and harder. Without me there to be her-- I dunno, her guiding light or her-- protector, she just kinda fell into a bad crowd by the time high school rolled around,” He sighed while taking another swig of beer.

“...Right,” Rafael nodded.

“So when i came home from school my mom told me she was going to kick Sunny out. I asked her why, and she went on and on about how she had gotten in with these local girls who were like, I dunno some kinda girl gang, and they’d knock over liquor stores and then get drunk and stoned. She said she was never around anyway, unless it was to steal money out of her purse; And she just didn’t wanna deal with her anymore,”

“...But she was only fifteen at the time,” Rafael was stunned.

“Yeah, and that’s what I told her!” Sonny exclaimed. “Look Barba my mom is the salt of the earth, but like I said she had a lot on her plate and my dad wasn’t around a lot-- and she had three other daughters to watch out for,”

“Three of her OWN daughters,” Rafael clarified with a judgmental tone.

“HEY,” Sonny warned. “I know how it sounds. And maybe-- maybe you’re right, maybe that’s why she washed her hands clean of Sunny. Because she was just a by-product of her fucked up sister. But I-- I’m not gonna condemn her for it. And you sure as hell don’t get to judge her,”

“You’re right,” Rafael nodded while sipping his scotch.

“So I took Sunny in,” Sonny finished his beer as he wrapped up his story. “I took her in while I went through the police academy. I made sure she got sober, quit hangin’ out with those girls, I got her to do well in school, hell I got her to graduate high school!”

“And…?” Rafael pressed.

“...And when I started bouncing around precincts, she was finally a productive member of society so she started living on her own. She had a few jobs, but never really going anywhere. So once I got placed here in SVU and started making better money, I started helping her out with rent and her car, as long as she promised to start going to community college. Which she agreed to because she really does wanna make something of herself,” He half smiled thinking about how far you had come and how proud he was to call you his cousin now. You were so full of life with dreams and ambitions he never saw in you as a scared little kid.

“Okay so-- how does all of this lead to what happened tonight?” Rafael leaned back and crossed his arms.

“Because she’s still an addict, Barba!” Sonny tried not to yell, but didn’t understand why Rafael was still so flippant about you.

“Just because she got her life together-- I got her life together, doesn’t mean that she just got ‘better’. She’s on a daily see-saw of sobriety. I do weekly ‘drop ins’ just to check on her. It’s gotten a lot better as time goes on, and the less and less I worry about her, but--” He took a breath and looked at the floor.

“....Deep down she’s still that little girl with all of her walls and her distrust. She doesn’t have friends, I really don’t think she’s ever had a stable ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend,’ I mean she-- she doesn’t, talk to people,” He paused before looking up and into Rafael’s eyes.

“...Which is why it has been yankin' my chain tryin’ to figure out just why in God’s name she was so-- open, to you,” He finally admitted. “She’s never been that close to anybody else but me, not in her entire life,”

“Wait,” Rafael put a finger up. “So...you haven’t actually been jealous of Y/N this whole time, you’ve been jealous of me?” He half laughed.

“I mean, it’s a little of both,” He shrugged with a small smile, able to joke about his feelings now. “But I meant what I said when I first got here, I know the main thing that Y/N needs in her life right now is stability. And you-- you are not stable, in the least,”

“Oh I’m the unstable one?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Relationship wise, yeah,” Sonny pointed out.

“....Fair point,” Rafael nodded as he finished off his scotch. He knew the longest relationship he had ever had was with the cute barista he saw every morning who knew how to make his coffee just right. And that relationship only took him five minutes a day to maintain.

“So…” Sonny knocked Rafael from his thoughts.

“So...what?” Rafael quirked an eyebrow.

“So, I think that--” Sonny took a deep breath, knowing you might hate him for this. But it was for the best, and it needed to be said.

“I think that if you care anything about her, or me for that matter, that you let me take her home, and forget about this whole weekend,”

“....I mean…” Rafael rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't want to let you go. Well, he didn't want to let go of the girl he had met at Forlini's. The girl who made him laugh, who he could be his true self around, the girl he might---

“Look the bottom line here Barba is that Y/N is-- a lot of work. I should know, I’ve been taking care of her for 19 years. But I don’t mind it, because I love her more than anything else in this world. Well, her and the rest of my family. But still-- I love her,” Sonny now stood up.

“And I get that you like her, but she--- she has gotten way too serious about you way too fast, and way too hard. And this?” He gestured around the room, referring to the whole night. “This ain’t even the tip of the iceberg with her, if she’s really fallen off the wagon,”

“...God dammit,” Rafael stood up and began to pace in his living room. He thought about every single second he had spent with you since he met you; you had never seemed so...broken, as Sonny was describing you.

“What I’m saying is, unless you’re ready to-- ‘deal’ with her, and everything that comes with that, please for the love of God, just walk away now,” Sonny pleaded.

“Because she won’t listen to me if I tell her to stay away from you. And if things get too ‘real’ for you, you’re just gonna freak out or-- or get bored, and throw her away. Her self worth will drop to shit. And if that happens, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get her back from that,”

“I would never just throw her away, Carisi,” Rafael rolled his eyes.

“You can’t say that, Barba,” Sonny debated.

“And why the hell not?” Rafael narrowed his eyes.

“Because you’ve never NOT just ‘thrown away’ someone,” He chuckled. “That front door might as well be a garbage chute,”

“You son of a--” Rafael started to yell at him but Sonny cut him off.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Barba. Look me in the eyes and tell me I have no idea what I’m talking about, and I’ll leave here and let you deal with her the way you want to,” Sonny looked at him pensively. Rafael looked at him for several seconds, then softened his glare into a sad concession.

“....Take her,” He muttered softly while looking at the ground.

“Thank you,” Sonny mumbled softly as he turned to go retrieve your passed out self from the bedroom. However, he was instead met with the most unsettling sight:

You were standing in the doorway of the room, glaring at the two of them.

“...H-Hey, Sunshine--” Sonny tried to appease you with an awkward smile.

“Don’t,” You growled, stomping into the living room and began packing your bag.

“Y/N, what are you--” Rafael went to put a hand on your bag but you snatched it away before you shot fire out of your eyes into his gaze.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I misunderstand what you just said?” You barked at him with tears in your eyes. “Because I’m pretty damn sure I heard ‘take her’. You know like I’m some sort of defective Amazon package,”

“That’s not what I meant---” He softly spoke, the guilt of his words being heard by you was quickly eating him alive.

“No I know what you meant, Rafael,” You zipped your duffel shut angrily.

“I heard the whole god damn spiel. Which, by the way, thank you so much for detailing my entire little sob story, cousin,” You glared at Sonny as you started walking towards the front door, shoulder checking him.

“But neither of you have to worry about anything anymore, okay? You’re released from your ‘duties’. This trainwreck is leaving the station, so you can relax,” You looked at the both of them with pain in your eyes, tears cracking your words.

“Sunshine--” Sonny started after you.

“DON’T,” You glared at him while putting a finger up. “Don’t ever call me that again,”

“At least let me drive you home--”

“No,” You shook your head. “And you know what, cuz? I didn’t realize I was such a financial burden, so you know what? Cut me off. Because I’d rather be homeless again than take any more money from you,”

“What did I do?!” Sonny was now angry. “All I did was come over and try to protect you, that’s it!”

“I don’t need your protection!” You screamed. “This whole time...this whole time, I thought you were proud of me. That you trusted me,”

“I do trust you--”

“You don’t!” You stomped your foot while tears streamed down your face. “Y-You think that if . one single thing like a boy not liking me is gonna set me off, like I’m some kind of bomb you’ve kept from detonating for years. My life is not your responsibility anymore, Sonny! I don’t think it ever was!”

“Well who’s else was it gonna be?!”

“NOBODY’S!!!!” You finally dropped your duffel bag and kicked the wall, leaning your head against it. You were strangely quiet for a long pause before you spoke again in an eerily calm voice.

“...Do you know why my mother “dropped me off’ with your mother?”

“Because she couldn’t take care of you--”

“No I heard what you said,” You sniffled with a sad smile. “Because she didn’t want to,”

“Sunshine--”

“But leaving me with your mother, was her plan b,” You cut him off, still looking at the floor.

“What do you mean?” Sonny asked cautiously while looking at Rafael who had a terrified look in his eyes.

“She didn’t want to ‘burden’ her sister with me, but she had to when I wouldn’t die,”

“...W-What?” Rafael almost choked on the words in disbelief.

“She tried to smother me with a pillow, but I wouldn’t die. I kept screaming and crying, and I guess it touched her strand of humanity, so she stopped,” You rolled your eyes with the same sad smile.

That memory was forever imprinted in your brain. The terror of being woken up in blackness, unable to breathe. The smell of the cigarette smoke covered pillow being shoved into your throat and nostrils. Your mother crying and telling you it would be over soon, just to let go. And finally her sad, pathetic whimpers and sobs when she finally lifted the pillow from you, disappointed in herself that she couldn’t do one good thing in her life. That now she was going to have to pass you, her problem, onto her sister.

“Y/N, baby girl--” Sonny stepped towards you again.

“I wasn’t supposed to be raised by anybody, Sonny. I’m not even supposed to be alive!” You stomped your foot again while tears continued to flow.

“That’s not true!” He ran over and grabbed you in a hug. “You are not a burden,”

“Really?” You laughed sarcastically into his shoulder as you pushed him away from the hug. “You just said your mom didn’t even want to deal with me. Nobody did,”

“I did!” He argued. “I do,”

“Yeah well, maybe I’m my mother’s daughter. I don’t wanna be your burden,” You picked up the duffel and opened the door.

“Okay well you have no choice in that so you’re gonna have to let that go,” Sonny grabbed your hand before you could walk away.

“Fine,” You finally conceded with a blank expression.

“Guess I’ll just have to let a lot of things go, won’t I?” Your voice cracked as you looked at Rafael one more time with the saddest eyes.

He stared back at you with a stone cold face. He wanted so badly just to go and hold you in his arms, telling you how you didn’t deserve any of what happened to you, and that you deserved everything good and all the love in the world. But Sonny’s pleas were still in his head.

He didn’t know if he wanted the responsibility of your entire self worth and happiness, let alone your sobriety on his shoulders. He didn’t even like to get close to clients with that many issues, the pressure was too much. So instead he just stood there, trying not to show how much this was killing him, sending you away like this.

“Come on Sunshine, just-- let’s go, okay?” Sonny pleaded with you softly, pulling at your hand. You didn’t answer, you just nodded and started walking down the hallway towards the elevator, leaving Sonny at the door.

“...Thank you, Barba,” He mumbled softly, nodding at Rafael. Rafael barely nodded back before Sonny closed the door.

As soon as it was closed, Rafael dropped on his knees and began to cry. He didn’t know why exactly, was he crying because he felt horrible for all the shit you had gone through? Was he angry at himself for not being able to get over his own bullshit to actually open up and care about someone for more than a week? Was he really that big of a hypocrite, showing empathy to clients all the time but shutting out the one person he felt he might-- he couldn’t even think it. He wouldn’t let himself think it. He just composed himself and poured another scotch while turning on the TV, trying to forget what just happened.

His NETFLIX menu popped up; it asked him if he wanted to continue watching Bojack Horseman. He closed his eyes and muttered obscenities in spanish while memories of the night before flooded his brain, making him cry angry tears once more. He finally decided just to go to bed, maybe his brain would release him from torture if he could turn it off.

He wasn’t sure he could ever turn it off now.

[stonesparrow]

You seem like you'd appreciate some Senku appreciation. You down for an essay? You know what I really love about Senku? He's like, the best possible version of the genius character archetype. There's his passion for what he's doing, is genuine excitement and joy about science (I love my brooding geniuses occaisionally, but watching someone do something they truly enjoy will always beat that) but what I think is more important, is how Senku is not a total bastard. Like, he's clearly aware of the fact that he's usually the most intelligent person in the room, but he doesn't value anyone less because of that. He values them both as people and for their own skills, skills that he readily admits, he doesn't have but are still valuable and worthy of respect. Ranging from craftsmanship to brute force to people skills. And he never acts like his expertise is more valuable than anyone elses. There's so many genius type characters who ridicule and devalue every other character around them simply because they don't have three doctorates in the STEM field. Even more importantly, Senku never treats anyone as stupid because they lack knowledge. Chrome's the best example here, He clearly doesn't know anything about modern science, believes it's magic at first, but Senku doesn't assume he's stupid, instead he teaches him and trusts him a lot when it comes to science later on. And this is so important, because it really pisses me off when some genius guy on a western Tv show goes: Oh? You don't know the intricacies of quantum physics? What kind of an idiot are you??? Because like, Sire, I'm chef. Or someone just couldn't afford to go to university, or had to study something you can make more money with or just. likes something else. This just makes me so happy. and another tiny thing, is that he also values things that technically have no practical application, like video games, anime, manga etc. Just entertainment. I can't quite remember when it was, but at some point he definitly talks about those as things that humans invented in the modern times, and he clearly appreciated them. No " I'm too smart to have fun" attitude to be found here. While he's a "repress my emotions, pretend I'm totally fine" kinda guy, he doesn't really do the whole "relationships between people are useless and a burden" either. Sorry about that. I had a lot to say. Hope it's not oo much of a bother. Anyway, I really enjoy your blog, it's seriously great!

Senku is such a fun character! I totally agree with you on that - it’s very refreshing to see “the smart character,” show so much emotion and compassion and genuinely value the skills of those around him. And when Senku shows off his science, he’s not trying to make himself seem more important or better than everyone else - rather he gets super excited to share his knowledge, especially with people like Chrome and Kaseki who get really into it along with him.

Despite being avoidant of overt affection and allergic to vulnerability, Senku is really quite emotional as a character. Like literally even just the moments where he reunites with Taiju every time they’ve been separated show his eyes filling up with this...this Look, that basically says “I missed you, I’m so happy to have you back” and aaa it’s so very good! He cares!

Senku gets frustrated, he has setbacks, he gets upset and happy and excited and scared. And it’s often subtle, but in a way that’s also obvious? Like outwardly Senku keeps things in, but sometimes the audience is shown things like him shaking with nervousness or gritting his teeth in frustration and it’s just...very well done, in my opinion. A reserved character that is in no way emotionless and unfeeling, but expressive and vibrant in his own way.

Gamer Senku is a detail that I also find very fun - despite being probably the smartest kid in the world with borderline superhuman determination and concentration, he’s also a nerdy teenager. That makes him feel much more real and human to me, the fact that at heart he’s still a kid who spent his days playing Dragon Quest and hanging out with his teen friends.

[iamnmbr3]

I know you're not happy with the show but making things up is really damaging your reputation. The show is not a failure; it's the biggest launch of any disney+ show so far with the highest ratings. The first trailer has so many views because it's 7 months old, compared to the first episode being out a week and a half. The CGI doesn't look like it was done by a two year old (seriously lmao??). The tesseract looks dull because it powers down once in the TVA. Stop pretending Loki was mind controlled when Marvel confirmed in his character bio that he was emotionally influenced by the scepter. Bucky was mind controlled. Selvig and Hawkeye were mind controlled. Loki was influenced like Banner and the others were by the sceptre when they were around it on the helicarrier. Please consider that care has been taken to make Loki more multifaceted in this show, not OOC - he's just got more emotion and character to him now and feels to me and a lot of others, more like a living, breathing person who is struggling in the immediate aftermath of being shown the most traumatic recap of his life. I'm really sorry you're not happy with him, but his emotional core and inner heartbreak is being treated with love and respect by the show.

Hahahahahahahahhaha oh my god anon this was a funny read. Ngl usually when ppl come clowning in my inbox with incoherent rants I just delete it. But this was some quality clowning. This was just too funny to not share with everyone. So I’m gonna go line by line here.

“I know you're not happy with the show but making things up is really damaging your reputation.”

I’m gonna be real with you anon. This makes me sad because I will never write anything this funny. This made me laugh out loud. My reputation? My reputation?!?! I run a blog on Tumblr dot com. No reputation can recover from that. Also as to making things up? Uh. Where??? Just because you don’t like what I have to say doesn’t mean it’s made up. However with that kind of attitude I think you have a bright future ahead of you working in PR for the GOP. They love people who talk like you.

“The show is not a failure; it's the biggest launch of any disney+ show so far with the highest ratings.”

Ok I literally just talked about that HERE. But let me add a few more points here for your convenience. First of all, Disney+ hasn’t actually been doing that great. In fact Disney’s stock recently fell precisely because Diseny+ has underperformed. It missed growth expectations and none of the shows have attracted that big of an audience. Loki had MASSIVELY more interest than either WandaVision or TFATWS and yet it only drew 890K households for the premier - just barely more than either of those shows got. There haven’t been any numbers released for the episodes after the premier but given how boring and unfunny and uninteresting the premier was, I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of viewers, especially more casual ones, didn’t come back for more.

“The first trailer has so many views because it's 7 months old, compared to the first episode being out a week and a half.”

Incorrect. Trailers get most of their views in the first week, and the vast majority in the first 2 weeks. Indeed, they get the most engagement in the first DAY usually and then it starts slowing. The early trailer that got 18 million views got most of that very quickly and then has grown extremely slowly ever since. The more recent trailers are not tracking to get anywhere near than engagement. Why? Because interest is dropping. Now maybe people just aren’t as interested in the trailers because they’re just happy to watch the actual show now or because they loved the first trailers so much that they decided to watch the show just based on that and didn't want to spoil themselves watching later trailers. Who knows. I certainly have my theories though.

"The CGI doesn't look like it was done by a two year old (seriously lmao??)."

Actually I said the posters looked like they were done by a 2 year old. Most of the CGI looks like cheap made-for-tv effects done by an underpaid and under qualified adult. But go off I guess. Also don’t even try to defend those badly photoshopped posters to me. I have eyes. I could argue with you but a picture is worth a thousand words. And just. Look at this thing! This is real. It’s so bad but it’s real. Who wants this?

"Stop pretending Loki was mind controlled when Marvel confirmed in his character bio that he was emotionally influenced by the scepter.Bucky was mind controlled. Selvig and Hawkeye were mind controlled. Loki was influenced like Banner and the others were by the sceptre when they were around it on the helicarrier"

That’s mind control lmao. The scepter was magically influencing his mind. Do you think emotions come from our feet or something?! (And that’s not even getting into the torture and conditioning he underwent or the fact that the Other had his claws in Loki’s mind and was hurting and threatening him in addition to the mind control). Also why do you think it’s appropriate to come on my blog like this and make these sorts of demands? This is my fandom blog that I run for fun. I can engage however I want. You need to learn to cope with that. If you enjoy the show that’s great. Go enjoy it. Don’t tell other people what to think. That’s not appropriate, reasonable, or healthy. If you find yourself truly unable to cope with strangers having different opinions from you about a tv show based on a comic book I definitely suggest you seek help from a professional.

"Please consider that care has been taken to make Loki more multifaceted in this show, not OOC - he's just got more emotion and character to him now and feels to me and a lot of others, more like a living, breathing person who is struggling in the immediate aftermath of being shown the most traumatic recap of his life."

I don’t see any evidence at all of care being put into the show. The writing and storytelling is incredibly sloppy. It gets even the most basic things wrong - like Loki’s speaking style or the fact that he wasn’t young in the 70s or that he speaks the Allspeak not English or his skin tone or hair length or the fact that Jotun!Loki should’ve had ridges on his skin. The head writer and story creator also is openly disdainful of Loki and talks about how he’s a “shithead” and “proper and pompous” and how he needs to be put in a situation where he has to stop “blaming” Odin and Thor for all his problems. He shows no understanding of Loki’s character or care for it. Maybe care was put into the show and they just messed up but I don’t see evidence of that. There’s certainly no way you could know that for a fact unless you are involved in the production in which case you are a biased source who has an ulterior motive for silencing critics of the show.

Also TV!Loki doesn’t feel like a real person to me at all. He feels like a caricature. He doesn’t act like Loki or do or say the things he would or even stand like he would. Look how Loki behaved when being interrogated by Natasha or when being berated by Odin. Loki is someone who puts on a performance as a sword and a shield. TV!Loki is a stupid clown.

"I'm really sorry you're not happy with him, but his emotional core and inner heartbreak is being treated with love and respect by the show."

No it’s not. It’s being turned into a punchline. The “humor” in the show derives entirely from invalidating Loki’s feelings and retconning his motivations and humiliating and mocking and denigrating him and turning him into a literal punching bag. The show robs the character of all dignity and seriousness and makes a mockery of him and the fans he meant so much to. And for what? The humor isn’t even funny.