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imtrashraccoon · 20 days ago

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I'm sorry they're being irresponsible again... I have no excuse for this. I'm just a Dust simp at times... 乁⁠[⁠ ⁠◕⁠ ⁠ᴥ⁠ ⁠◕⁠ ⁠]⁠ㄏ

First, Previous, & Next Day

@owl-bones

Bad Sansuary II: Dust - PDA

Word Count: 1,590

Several minutes passed in the dark alley before Reven managed to compose himself. His breathing slowed and his mismatched eyelights refocused on your face. You silently let go of his gauntlets and sat back on your haunches.

He blinked and then rubbed at his eye sockets. Taking a deep breath, he got to his feet before offering you a hand and helping you stand up as well. He said nothing, seeming like he would prefer to pretend he didn't just have a breakdown in front of you.

You cleared your throat and took a step back. "Maybe we should just turn in for the night...call off the mission and leave in the morning..." you started to say.

Reven shook his head. "no, we don't have enough information yet."

"Then what do you think should be our next move?"

He tapped his chin thoughtfully and shifted his weight from one foot to another. "the more i think about it, the more the temple isn't sitting right with me. i know for a fact that it isn't dedicated to any of the divines..."

You raised an eyebrow as he continued to muse out loud. Out of all your comrades, he was the only one who had any knowledge on religion, except for Donovan, who had a whole section of his library dedicated to the subject.

"Could this be occultic?" you interjected.

He frowned and opened his mouth to respond, before closing it again as he reconsidered what he had been about to say. "perhaps? it's strange for anything like that to be so out in the open though."

You let out a sigh and rubbed at your forehead. "Guess that means we'll have to go give it a second look...but after that, we should call it a night."

Surprisingly, Reven let out a hum of agreement before motioning for you to follow. He led you through the streets, occasionally ducking into an alley to avoid the patrolling guards before you spotted it.

The temple was larger, more grand than the buildings surrounding it. Several tall pillars carved from stone held up the sloped roof, and near the door was a large box where worshippers had left offerings. While the money inside looked tempting, you refrained from touching any of it. Your partner may not have any qualms with disturbing a holy place, but you weren't willing to risk being cursed by an angry deity.

Reven tried the heavy door, but it refused to budge. When he turned to you, you shook your head and held up your hands helplessly. Maybe when you were younger you should have learned how to pick a lock, but you had never had need of a sneaky skill like that back in the Klasical army.

The spellsword cursed under his breath and pounded his fist against the wooden surface in frustration. "where's that assassin when we actually need him?" he muttered.

You paid him no mind, instead focusing your attention on the exterior of the temple itself. It was too dark to tell if it had always been dedicated to the purple eye, but all the symbology seemed to have been put up fairly recently. The banners adorning the walls were new and, while the donation box seemed at least a couple years old, the placard with the same eye symbol above it was barely weathered at all.

"We should at least draw a picture of the eye, so we can look into it later," you suggested.

Retrieving a discarded piece of flat wood, you meticulously carved the eye symbol into it, trying to be as accurate as possible. While waiting, Reven stepped closer to the wall, studying the symbol more closely.

"Still don't recognize it?" you asked, sheathing your dagger once more.

Reven shook his head, but before he could respond, you heard the distinct sound of metal on cobblestone - the very sound you had been relying on all night to avoid the guards. Both of you looked around for a place to hide, but the temple was situated in a wide open space on a major intersection. By the time either of you got to an alley, the incoming guard would raise the alarm and then the whole city would be up in arms.

So, you did the only thing your panicked mind could think of in that moment. Shoving the carving into your belt, you grabbed Reven by the shoulders and roughly pulled him closer until your noses nearly touched. To his credit, he only froze up for a split second before realizing what you were doing. He leaned closer, pressing your back against the stone wall and pulling up his hood to conceal both your faces.

The combination of being in such close proximity and the heady scent of alcohol on his breath made your heart race. While you hated the thought, you knew you would have to make this at least seem believable. You only hoped Reven wouldn't absolutely despise you for putting him through this.

You pressed your lips against his teeth, simultaneously slipping your arms around his vertebrae and shoulders. He responded in kind, pinning you against the brickwork and positioning his knee between your legs. One of his gauntlets found the sensitive skin of your throat, carefully thumbing your pulse point as his teeth nipped at your bottom lip.

A soft whine forced its way from your chest at the sharp sting of pain and the primal part of your brain screamed for more. Reven responded with a low growl and tilted your head to the side, baring more of your cream coloured fur to his gaze.

"You two! The temple is closed-!"

At the sound of the guard's voice, your heart leapt into your throat, but all you could focus on was the glow of Reven's eyelights. The firey red mixed with icy blue, coming together to turn his cheekbones a beautiful purple colour. His canines suddenly grazed your jaw, eliciting a soft gasp from your lips.

Your heart was pounding. What should you do? The guard wasn't leaving like you had hoped and you didn't want to drag this out any longer. This had been a really, really stupid idea.

"Hey! If you don't leave, I'll be forced to arrest you for public indecency!"

Reven suddenly pulled back and, in a blink or you'll miss it moment, his mismatched eyelights turned grayish white. His cheekbones were still glowing a slight purple, but he otherwise appeared like he had earlier in the day. It was actually rather scary how quickly he had been able to switch back to "being normal".

He turned towards the guard, being careful to block you from immediate view. "aw, don't get so...so uptight..." he started to say. "just couldn't wait any longer...any more to profess our love."

You bit your lower lip, struggling to keep yourself from doing anything to ruin his performance. He was acting so jovial, like a happy-go-lucky drunk idiot, and it made you feel sick. This wasn't him. He never acted the part of fool and you hated that he was doing it so effortlessly.

"you ever seen someone so pretty...so nice that you just knew..." Reven paused for a second, subtly turning his skull as if staring at something else, before seeming to remember that he was in the middle of speaking. "you just knew...that they were the one...?"

The guard sputtered, "I...what-"

"that you just knew...they were your soulmate...your fated?" Reven pressed further, slurring his words ever so slightly.

"Now see here!" You heard the guard's sabatons shuffle on the cobblestone. "I don't care if you two are...in love or whatever, just, get out of here! Get a room or something, anything. I better not find you still here when I come back..."

You waited until the footsteps mostly faded away, faster this time, before letting out a shaky sigh of relief. Reven let go of you and quickly stepped away, pointedly avoiding your gaze.

You covered your face with your paws, letting out an exasperated groan. "I... I am so sorry! That was uncalled for... I wasn't thinking-"

Reven held up a hand, motioning for you to calm down, before slowly turning to face you again. His eyelights were back to their regular colours, but he didn't look upset, just carefully neutral.

"i'm not mad at you, if anything, i should be apologizing too." He cleared his non-existent throat and ran a hand down his face. "i went too far, i'm sorry, scout."

You nodded and took a shaky breath, slowly pushing yourself off the wall. "No, I shouldn't have done that in the first place. It was wrong and I'm very sorry, Reven."

He shook his head and moved slightly closer again. "it's fine, your plan worked. i won't breathe a word of this to donovan if you would rather tell him yourself."

You nodded, "Yeah, I guess I should tell him, it's only right... Just, please don't tell Dirk or Maul. I fear we'd never hear the end of it if they found out. I already know Donovan is going to be jealous, but I can only hope he'll understand."

"i won't tell a soul," he promised. "and if he's upset, i can deal with that when it comes..."

You frowned and turned to head back to the tavern. "No, what we did was my fault. I won't let him take out his anger on you..." You took a deep breath to recenter yourself. "Come on, I've had quite enough of investigating tonight."

#badsansuary #raccoons drabbles #the dark fortress #a sight for sore eyes #undertale #dusttale #dust sans #reader #gender neutral reader #platonic relationship #dust sans & reader #this is the second make out scene i have written #pretty sure anyways...i might be wrong #it's not even real #i'll try again later #heh :3

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lucysgraybird · 11 months ago

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to show hospitality to angels

pairing: billy the kid x reader

warnings: discussions of religion (brief and light)

title source: hebrews 13:2. i think

a/n: hello ! i am not catholic and thus don't know protocol for catholic mass. generally im like religious lite so im really sorry if my discussions of God are sacrilegious in this, it's just how i conceptualize religion. also i don't think they are sacrilegious, im just preemptively apologizing

Billy was not a religious man, but that didn't mean he never went to church. Call it Catholic guilt, call it respecting his ancestors, but he made it to mass on Easter and Christmas and on rare Sundays if he was particularly missing his ma.

This particular winter morning saw him in the sanctuary for the Christmas morning service, doing his best to be still and silent. Though these holiday services were longer, he preferred them to the ones on Sunday – the church was prettier, decorated for the season, and there was usually more (and nicer) music. The choir stood behind the pulpit, though admittedly he wasn't paying much attention to the full picture, searching for one singer. Someone had a lilting soprano voice that made the world soft and a little fuzzy at the edges; maybe not trained, maybe not clean, but the kind of voice that played on the outskirts of memories of sleepy childhood nights. Through First Noël and Little Town of Bethlehem he scanned the right of the choir, but couldn't identify quite where the voice was coming from.

Then, for Silent Night, you stepped forward, a worn book of music clutched open to your chest as you gathered your red-and-green ruffled skirts. Billy had made the early New Year’s resolution to be a little more careful about falling in love, but the moment you began to sing he knew that was out the window. There was a slight tremble in your hands, betrayed by the fluttering paper and betraying your nerves at this solo, but your voice soared clear through the chapel anyways. Every worry Billy had went out the window – the cold and snow that were rolling in, the bounty still on his head, the insecurity of his whole life, all gone at the sound of your voice. There was only here and now, the sweeping melody wrapping around him like a blanket.

It was over in a second. The solo, that is. The feeling it had brought him, the peace he hadn't felt in God knows how long, remained for the rest of the service, until he was standing and scrambling to the front after the final prayer to talk to you.

“Miss?” He said, the brim of his hat crushed in his hands.

You turned, face soft and open. “Yes?”

“I just wanted to tell you that you got a real beautiful voice.”

A smile just about split your cheeks, now dusted with a pink blush. “Oh, thank you! I was so nervous, so I'm glad at least one person enjoyed it. I've never seen you here before. Are you new in town?”

Now it was his turn to flush. “I've been here a couple months. I don't make it to church as often as I oughta, I suppose.”

To his surprise, no judgement sprung up in your eyes.

“There's no set number of times someone ought to come to mass,” you said. “We all have lives. Church is always there when we need a break – or can take one.”

Such a sage statement coming from someone his age, maybe even a little younger, almost made him laugh, but it actually settled the nerves in his chest.

“I thought since you were in the choir, you'd be real pious,” Billy said.

Your mouth turned down in a conspiratorial smile, just this side of letting out a giggle.

“I slip out the back after we sing sometimes,” you confided. “I grew up a preacher’s daughter, and it seems more worth it to me now to go to church when I actually want to be with God, not just because I feel like I have to.”

“I like that,” he said thoughtlessly, and immediately felt stupid for the simplicity.

It earned him a toothy grin, though, and you brushed your hand against his arm.

“I have to get home now, but I would like to see you again. I'm a teacher at the schoolhouse in town, so you can find me there every afternoon.”

His surprise at your interest in him manifested in silence, and you dropped your hand in shame.

“I'm sorry, that was incredibly forward of me. If-”

“No! No, I want to see you again too. I'll come by the school on, say, Friday? If you're not too busy?”

“Not at all. Just tell me your name, so I know who I'm welcoming?”

“William,” he said, something about you making him desperate to be proper, then desperate to be honest. “Billy.”

“Well, Billy, it was lovely to meet you.”

You cast a glance around the room, then rose on your toes to press a kiss to his cheek before leaving to get your coat. What a strange tableau you would've created, he thought, had anyone seen you: the lips of a preacher's daughter on the skin of an outlaw. It was almost something out of a dime novel. It wasn't until you were surely long-gone that he realized he had never caught your name.

#repost bc tumblr was giving me mixed messages the first tjme #billy the kid fanfiction #billy the kid imagine #billy bonney #billy the kid x reader #billy the kid #billy the kid 2022 #william h bonney x you #william h bonney x reader #william h bonney imagine #william h bonney #tom blyth x reader #tom blyth

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cinnbar-bun · 9 months ago

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Important Message

So... haha... been almost a month since I really did anything on this blog...

Listen, I'm gonna keep it straight to you guys, the months leading up to my hiatus were, to put it mildly, some of the most disgusting I've seen in my years as a fanfic writer and fandom enjoyer. This is a bit of a vent post, because, well, genuinely, I really hope the fandom can get better. I'm assuming most of the bad experiences I've had came through people a bit younger/newer to fandom or tumblr/fanfic culture in general. If you want just an update on the blog, I will be posting that shortly after this one.

I'm going to list out some of the shit I had to go through (that I am sure many fanfic writers, but more specifically, POC fandom creators go through). This is a long post. Yeah, also, this is obvious but TW FOR: Racism (including slurs), Islamaphobia, sexism, death threats, suicide threats, harassment, and just flat out horrible behavior.

I'm gonna go list some of the slurs I've been messaged or called, I'll even rate them for you guys <3:

Camel jockey: oooo, haven't heard that one before. get more creative, 3/10

camel fucker: nice, bit more crass, still not original. 3.5/10, just a bit funny

Terrorist: wow, dude, oh my gosh, I can't believe I've never heard that one living in post 9/11 America! Wow! 0/10 try harder

I also don't know where the assumption came from that I was a hijabi... I am not. Calling me a BMO? Pretty unique but sadly does not fit me. :(/10

This barely scratches the surface of what I have dealt with after having been open about my heritage. I'm sorry my very existence offends you and requires you to come out and send me shit about hoping my family dies or that my favorite character brutally hurts me. I have read your messages, and after long consideration, I have decided to no longer be Middle Eastern. Yep, that's right, guys, I am no longer MENA! Don't worry about my family history or anything, I just choose not to be that anymore. There, now you don't have to send me messages about hoping my family gets killed <3

Let's see what else we should tackle.

Should I tackle the fact that I've gotten messages from others to update a fic or answer a request or they will try to self harm or commit suicide?

Should I tackle the fact that some have tried to pressure or guess my sexuality (dude, what the fuck)?

Should I tackle how I got messages from others assuming my place because of my religion?

Should I tackle how I've gotten weird ass messages from people getting mad at me because how DARE I not write certain things during Ramadan?

Should I tackle those things?

I'll save you the hassle, no, I really shouldn't have had to, but fact is, the One Piece fandom has to be some of the worst I've seen and interacted with purposefully in a long time. And I was in the Hetalia fandom way back when. I should not have dumb shit about "liberating" me or oh, oh, oh, I love this one! People asking me if I have 'full armament haki' (I hope you genuinely, genuinely, get the fuck off your phone and go outside. Maybe have a walk and go talk to actual people.)

I've met some genuinely lovely, beautiful, and kind people. They truly are some of the most talented creators I've seen, and I'm grateful they chose to befriend me. The good does outweigh the bad. But the bad? Oh lord, I think you guys are genuinely some of the most disgusting pieces of shits I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Fanfic writers are not your slaves. I have a full time job, I have a full time life outside of my tumblr and my writing. I write when I want to because I like to write, and fanfic is a good creative outlet. You sending dumb messages crying about no updates after four days of me posting a new chapter, or threatening to harm yourself because of this is disgusting.

POC creators, especially, are not your fucking tokens. I'm not here to break down every racial stereotype for you. I'm not here to be sitting there mocked with crap I already hear in my outside life. And I sure as HELL am not here for fake support only to be called slurs and mocked the minute I don't do something for you. You are gross, you are not funny, you are genuinely a horrible person and if your ideal vision of humor boils down to the Instagram comments section, all I'm saying is, I'm not wishing you anything positive.

If you read this far, thank you. Truly. This was difficult to place and write down, but it needed to be said, because even to this day I still get messages similar to before.

Do better, One Piece fandom. Do better. Because you are only going to lose the fans who really care and who put effort into making things. How far can you harass fanfic creators, and especially POC ones, with your bullshit before you lose out on things?

I don't need to 'move on'. My identity and my existence is on a completely separate wave than so and so idk, liking a ship or a character. One is fake, and one is literally who I am. Putting false equivalencies to the issues within fandom because it makes you 'sad' is shitty.

I've only given you an idea of what I had to deal with. Now imagine this constantly by random people, both on tumblr and AO3, and then imagine that also in your daily life, on the media, in the news, in the music, on the radio, in the books- fucking everywhere. It's exhausting.

Just... fucking do better. Actually fucking listen to POC. I got nothing else to add that wouldn't just be me repeating the same shit I and others have tried to say.

Just be kind, for gods sake, and remember that creators are human, not the silly avatars we choose.

#rambles #important notice #tw racsim #tw sexism #tw slur #tw islamophobia

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starswhisperwritershear · 4 months ago

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Of All The Stories In The Stars, Ours Has Yet To Be Told (62761 words) by StarsWhisper Chapters: 7/? Fandom: Danny Phantom Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Dash Baxter/Danny Fenton Characters: Danny Fenton, Dash Baxter, Sam Manson, Tucker Foley, Paulina Sanchez, Kwan (Danny Phantom), Valerie Gray, Pookie (Danny Phantom) Additional Tags: Aged-Up Character(s), on the way to college, mentions of child abuse, Mentions of homophobia, Redemption Arcs, Bisexual Danny Fenton, everyone becoming good friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Second Chances, lots of classical literature references, Canon-Typical Violence, Angst, Lots of Crying, Some hurt/comfort, almost everyone has shitty parents, More tags to come as I think of them, Suicidal Thoughts, This is heavily inspired by marichat, stealing lots of headcanons from tumblr, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, not entirely canon compliant, I stole the pieces I like and combined them with fanon to get what I wanted, this was supposed to be a slow burn, Dialogue Heavy, some spooky shit will be snuck in here, Mutual Pining, Dissection, Bad Parents Jack and Maddie Fenton, lots of astrology references, Inspired by Orpheus and Eurydice (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), horror aspects will be in here, but also cute fluff, Asexual Character, Mentions or pevious eating disorders Summary: It's the end of senior year and Dash and Danny are having the worst time of their lives. Dash's father finds out he's queer and tries to kill him. That lands him in prison with divorce papers. Dash goes to therapy to cope and learn how to change his behaviors while taking some time off from school. He now needs to learn how to navigate the world and figure himself out. Danny fears he'll never figure out what he wants for his future beyond being the hero of Amity Park forever and he's running out of time to figure it out as he watches everyone he knows move on without him. Plus there are always the people hunting him down that he has to worry about on top of that.

Danny lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling, feet idly kicking the air as they dangled off the side. He listened to his phone ring, anxiety settling in his stomach. He'd already tried twice that day to get a hold of Jazz with no luck. He knew she was busy, but he couldn't help the little voice telling him his parents had gotten to her first. The phone was two rings away from going to voicemail again when she picked up.

"Hey, bro! What's popping?"

Danny snorted, laughing at her choice of slang words. Ever since getting to college, she'd been trying her best to sound cool and he was beginning to suspect Mr. Lancer had given her one of his 'how to be hip' dictionaries. "The only thing that should be popping, is you popping open a real dictionary."

Jazz sighed comically. "There's that younger brother sarcasm I've missed."

Danny rolled his eyes, a faint smile on his face. "How are you, Jazz?"

"Oh, I'm fine. The summer semester is kicking my ass. I've got seven essays, two research projects, and a group presentation all due by the end of the week, but, yeah, I'm fine."

"Jesus, Jazz, do you even have time to breathe?"

"I do right now. I'm sorry for missing your other calls. Is there something going on?"

"I understand you're busy. Nothing crazy, I just, uh, have Mom and Dad talked to you at all?" Danny chewed his bottom lip so hard he tasted blood.

"No," Jazz snorted. "The last I heard from either of them was a few days ago and all Dad sent me was a cat meme on Facebook. I figured they've just been too busy with ghost hunting to check up on me." The frustration in her voice was tense like she couldn't decide if she wanted to be sad or mad. She cared about her parents, but she harbored a lot of resentment about how the two of them were raised. "Why?"

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, cause I wanted to be the one to tell you that I've decided to go to college."

Jazz screamed. Danny ripped the phone away from his ear, only daring to bring it back when he couldn't hear her anymore. "Danny! That's amazing! Where are you going? What program are you doing? What convinced you?"

"Well, I had a talk with Mr. Lancer-"

"I knew he'd come through for me," Jazz whispered under her breath.

"And," Danny chuckled, "he was talking about this program here at Amity Community that I kind of liked. After some thinking, and admittedly a little pushing from Dash, I-"

"Dash? Dash Baxter? Since when are you two hanging out?"

"Uh, I haven't told you about that? Never mind, not important right now. I, well, I decided to be an astronomy teacher. A professor if I can swing it."

Jazz screamed again. "That's such a good choice! It's so you! Oh my gosh, my brother, a professor!" She gasped. "We can share our theories about classroom behavior now! This is going to be so great!"

Danny felt a huge wave of relief hit him, shaking a lot of his parents' disapproval off. He sighed, "Thanks, Jazz. I'm glad you think so."

"Mom and Dad didn't take it so well, huh?" Jazz's voice lost a lot of its excitement, a hint of bitterness glazing over it.

Danny glared up at the glowing stars on his ceiling. "No, not really. They're mad at Mr. Lancer for even putting the idea in my head. But, Mom said it was a start and I'll for sure want to change my major to biochemistry by the end of the semester when I've realized what it is I've gotten myself into."

Jazz hesitated, her voice careful. "And Dad?"

Danny's heart constricted. "He's just glad they have at least one genius kid."

"I'm going to lose my shit." Jazz hissed, knocking something over. "This is why I don't come home for Christmas. Don't listen to him, Danny. He should be proud of you. If he knew of half the shit you did in his lab, he would be proud. I'm proud of you."

"I miss you, Jazz." He sat up, resting his elbows on his knees. "They were a lot kinder when you were around."

"Only cause I had to kick their asses anytime they said some bullshit about you." Her voice softened. "I miss you too. But, hey, look at how great you're doing without me."

Danny laughed. "Yeah, but how much better could I be doing with you?"

"Oh! Speaking of old inside jokes, how are your, um, extracurricular activities going? Wink."

"You don't have to say wink." Danny jokingly rolled his eyes.

"Then how will you know I'm winking?"

"You're such a dork."

"I know you are but what am I?" Jazz laughed. "But, seriously, how are things going on the spooky side?"

Danny took a deep breath, flashes of the night before entering his mind. He stood up to pace his room, hoping to shake them off. "Uh, good, good. Just the usual. The ghosts might be on vacation, there have been fewer attacks lately. So, that's nice."

"You hesitated. Danny, you know you can tell me, right? I wouldn't ask if I thought I couldn't handle it."

Danny exhaled, long and low. "Okay, they were," he swallowed, his breath shaking, "They were dissecting a ghost in the lab last night. She was in real bad shape when I found her."

Jazz gasped. "Was it someone you knew?"

Danny shook his head, briefly forgetting she couldn't see him. "No, but, God, Jazz, she, she couldn't have been older than sixteen. She wasn't even a threat and they had her- she was completely, her arms were covered in-" Danny paused to take a deep steadying breath. "It was bad. She was in a lot of pain and the house reeked like they'd been at it for hours."

Jazz's voice carefully held no emotion. "What happened? Did they say anything about it?"

"Not to me. I got her out without them noticing. When they got back to the lab and found out they argued for a minute before I interrupted them." He stubbed his toe, hissing at the contact.

"That's- I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Do you, maybe, wanna talk about how you're feeling?"

Danny sat back down, twisting the sheets in his fingers. "Not really. I kind of want to forget it ever happened."

"Okay, that's fine." Jazz took a breath, then forced a teasing tone to creep back into her voice. "Then maybe you can explain this photo of you and Dash Baxter that both Tucker and Sam sent me."

"What?" Danny sat up straight, panic settling into his veins. "What photo?"

"It seems like a movie night at Sam's. You're asleep on his shoulder and you two look pretty cozy."

"That was an accident! I didn't mean to fall asleep. Okay, but, listen, I have to tell you about Dash." He proceeded to tell her everything from the beginning, how he had stopped messing with them a few years back, how he patched Phantom up, how Danny invited him to hang out, the whole story up til yesterday.

"So, what I'm getting out of this is that a pretty jock boy said thank you and you fell in love with him."

"I'm not in love with him! Why does everyone keep saying that?" Danny huffed, face warm.

"Uh, 'cause you're acting like it."

"I just, think he's cool. You know, I've mixed these feelings up before with Sam. This is probably just the same thing. I don't like him, I just think he's cool."

Jazz giggled. "Danny, please, I never heard you talk about Sam the way you just talked about Dash. You totally like him."

"I don't think I do. I mean, I do like being around him, a lot. As both Fenton and Phantom. He doesn't really act different between the two of them which is… nice. But if I liked him, I'd have to tell him I'm the same person, and then what if freaks out and starts acting differently again? I like this Dash. I like the way things are. I don't want them to change." Danny knew he was whining, but Jazz started it.

"Of course change is scary. And I'm not gonna say that you should tell him 'because of what could be' or anything. It's your relationship with the guy, you get to decide what you tell him. What I am saying is that you should be honest with yourself and you should have told me! You have a crush on a boy and you didn't tell your sister! I'm hurt."

"Uh, maybe!" Danny protested. "Maybe I have a crush on a boy."

"Liar, liar, pants on fire." Jazz sang.

"Don't you have like twenty essays to do or something?" Danny quipped.

Jazz bellowed a hearty laugh. "Yeah, I do. Talk to you later?"

"Yeah. Thanks for talking to me, Jazz."

"Anytime, bro. Love ya."

"Love you too." Danny hung up. He sighed and collapsed back on his bed, feeling better than he had before. He should make it a point to call his sister more often.

Danny: Hey, if I wanted 2 wear eyeliner, where would I start?

Paulina: Aaaaaaa!!! U liked it that much?! this is perfect. I haven't taught any1 make-up in a minute! R U busy? I could B there in ten minutes.

Danny: Would it B ok if i came 2 yours instead? parents have a bunch of dangerous experiments lying around this morning

Paulina: Oh, yeah that should B fine. I'll have everything set up by the time U get here. I'm so excited!

Danny: :D

Paulina has created a group chat.

Paulina has added Kwan, Dash, Danny, Tucker, Sam, and Valerie.

Paulina has sent a photo.

[The photo shows Paulina standing next to Danny in her huge vanity bathroom. They're holding their hands up in the peace sign gesture, winking, and sticking their tongues out. They wear matching eyeliner.]

Paulina: I am a goddess at make-up

Danny: Can confirm. I've learned from a master

Sam: Since the goddess can get you to do something I've been trying to convince you to do for years, I'll gladly bow

Tucker: Smthng U want 2 tell us, Sam?

Sam: Only that I can recognize talent when I see it

Valerie: But can Danny do it on his own?

Danny: I did Paulina's!!! She's been teaching me all day. This shit is hard

Dash: I didn't think you'd get to Paulina's level in one day

Danny: Oh, I'm nowhere near her level. She's a master. However, I can tell U the difference between liquid and felt tip eyeliner.

Sam: Prove it

Tucker: How's he supposed to prove it?

Valerie: He could do your eyeliner

Tucker: No thank U. That shit takes forever to get off. Never again. Why aren't we volunteering Dash for this?

Dash: Because I'm not back for another two weeks. And by then he'll be better at it so you won't be able to make fun of him

Danny: :(

Paulina: I can't believe ur all doubting my teaching skills

Sam: We're doubting Danny's art skills

Danny: >: (

Kwan: Yo!! Looking good, bro!

Danny: :) Thanks, bro. I knew I could count on U. The only 1 that has my back 4 real

Dash: I thought it looked cool

Danny: :D

Valerie: Anyone want to meet at Nasty Burger? I've got a craving for fries

Tucker: Say less, I'm omw

Sam: I'm down

Dash: :(

Danny: You'll be there in spirit :)

Kwan: Woooo! Party!!!! Dash, we can Skype you

Dash: That's okay, we're going on a hike here in a second

Paulina: That's what you get for abandoning us for a month

Dash: :(

Sam: I can't believe our resident nurse friend is gone right now

Dash: ?

Tucker: Danny needs stitches and Sam doesn't want to do it

Valerie: What'd he do this time?

Dash: This time?! How often does he need stitches? Is he okay?

Sam: More often than you'd think. He's a magnet for trouble

Tucker: He's fine. Just jumped in front of a car crash to save a kid. A piece of shrapnel gouged his leg.

Dash: Why isn't he in the hospital?! Is the kid okay?

Valerie deleted a chat

Valerie: Danny doesn't like hospitals. Why didn't he let Phantom handle it?

Sam: There weren't any ghosts involved. He wouldn't have shown.

Dash: Is everyone okay though? What's happening with Danny?

Tucker: The kid is worshiping Danny as we speak

Danny: Aw, worried about me Dash? ;)

Danny: Every1 is ok though. I got stitches. The kid is a little shaken, but otherwise unharmed and he's not worshiping me. He was just scared. It doesn't look like a serious crash either.

Dash: My friend jumped in front of a car, of fucking course I'm worried.

Tucker: Eh, he does this often. You'll get used to it.

Dash: Often!? Why?

Valerie: Acknowledging it only encourages him

Danny: Who else was going to save that kid? I think I prefer him over U guys

Dash: What did I do?

Danny: Ur exempt

Tucker: Simp

Danny: I will haunt ur ass Tuck

Tucker: No U won't. Ur too nice

Sam: It's true, that's a hollow threat and you know it

Danny: I can be threatening >=(

Paulina: Glad ur ok Danny! Hate to disagree with U guys, but Danny can be scary when he wants to be

Dash: Yeah, have U ever seen him mad? He's a wall of terror and rage

Valerie: How do you two know that?

Paulina: We used to be bad people.

Dash: U pick on the wrong kid once and suddenly Danny Fenton turns into ur worst nightmare

Danny: :D See?

Sam: Ur still not haunting Tucker

Tucker: I have bestie privileges

Danny: True. But I do too and I will not hesitate to send the blackmail photos I have saved.

Tucker: What photos?

Danny: ^u^

Tucker: Danny, what photos?!?!

"Go long!" Danny launched the frisbee through the air, watching Youngblood and Cujo race after it. Youngblood caught it and threw it back. Cujo spun around and came charging back toward him.

He caught it, narrowly dodging Cujo as he jumped after it. This time when he threw it, he used a little bit of ecto energy to throw it further. Cujo took the lead on this chase, Youngblood protesting.

"Hey! Cujo! Let me get it! You can't even throw it!"

"You'll never tire them out, you know." Ember huffed, scribbling music notes in her notebook.

"I know." Danny collapsed on the ground next to her, sinking into the soft grass of one of the ghost zone's islands. "I'm not trying to. Just making sure they don't get bored and try to cause chaos in the living world."

Ember huffed and picked up her guitar. "I've been doing just fine keeping them in check." She played a few chords, shook her head, and adjusted the strings.

"Yeah, you have. Thanks for that. I'm sorry I haven't been visiting as much lately."

She picked her notebook up and changed something she had written. "Yeah, what gives? That new boyfriend of yours better company than us or something?"

Danny tensed. "You know about Dash?"

Ember rolled her eyes. "The whole zone knows about Dash. Well, anyone who cares about Phantom, knows about Dash. Johnny has been itching to tease you about it."

"Great, well he's not even my boyfriend. So Johnny can lay off." Danny watched Youngblood and Cujo fight over the frisbee.

Ember hummed. "You know he won't. I think Skulker already has a plan to use him as bait too. You'd better keep an eye on him."

Danny groaned flopping over to stare up at the swirling green void. His vision filled with a giant green dog, dropping slobber over him like rain as it deposited the Frisbee next to him.

"Gross, Cujo!" Danny sat up, turning intangible so the dog spit would slide off of him.

"You're supposed to throw it back!" Youngblood huffed, sitting next to Ember. "This isn't fun anymore. I want to play pirates."

Danny raised an eyebrow at him, turning tangible again. "Do you remember what happened last time you played pirates? You sent three people to the hospital and leveled a whole city block."

Youngblood rolled his eyes. "It's not that big of a deal. They're all fine."

"People got hurt. That's not fine." Ember said gently.

"Ugh, big kids are no fun. It's fine because they'll just show up here if they get hurt. It's not like they disappear."

"It isn't fine," Danny soothed. "People aren't supposed to be here until they're ready. If you bring them here too early, it makes them really sad." Danny could tell Youngblood wasn't listening to the conversation anymore. Cujo butted his arm to get Danny to pet him.

"And you aren't supposed to be able to see me anymore. Rules are just dumb words that don't mean anything."

Danny tried to contain his frustration as he petted Cujo. He sighed. "Okay, why don't we play astronauts? We can use your slingshot for a spaceship again."

Youngblood brightened. "Okay! I'll go get it. C'mon Cujo! Help me carry it." Cujo barked and the two of them sped off toward Youngblood's door.

"Aren't you glad you're missing time with your boyfriend for this?" Ember sneered.

Danny frowned. "He's not my boyfriend. And I haven't just been spending all my time with him. I've been trying to apply for college and turn the antibiotics for the Fenton Venom into a vaccine. That way Pandora doesn't have to worry about distributing antibiotics to ghosts who are scared of her. You know, important things."

Ember huffed, ripping a page out of her notebook and throwing it at him. "Whatever. Just bring him to my next concert so I can make fun of you."

"No promises. Giving up on your song?" Danny threw the paper back at her, laughing.

"Not giving up, starting over. You giving up on getting over your crush?" She scribbles more in her notebook.

"You're not gonna drop this are you?" Danny wound his fingers around the ghost grass, ripping some chunks out and watching them blow away on the breeze.

"Nope." She popped the 'p', readjusting her guitar on her lap. "It's kind of the most interesting thing going on right now. Since I've given up on taking over the world, I have to entertain myself with your whole 'will I, won't I' thing."

Danny pouted. "Kitty and Johnny's 'will they won't they' isn't more interesting? What about your boyfriend? Is he not entertaining enough?"

"Uh, no. For one, Kitty and Johnny are annoying and they always get back together so it's boring at this point. And no, he's too busy trying to come up with a way to hunt you and the boy you want to kiss so bad it makes you look stupid." She struck a few chords on her guitar, nodding and writing it down.

Danny gasped, shoving her playfully. "I do not look stupid."

"Yes, you do. You fell in a goddamn lake." She grinned and motioned to her guitar. "You know, I could always help out with a well-timed love spell."

Danny frowned at her, eyes flashing in annoyance. "Not a chance. I'm not letting you put a spell on Dash."

"Aw, you care about him." She mocked. "Why don't you just fucking tell him?"

Danny huffed. "I don't know. Maybe I don't want him to freak out when he finds out I'm dead. Or not completely dead if he prefers Phantom. Oh god, what if he does prefer Phantom? What would I do then?"

Ember rolled her eyes. "Jesus, you're a mess. Look, I can't give you the best advice as someone who literally died because she got stood up. But, just ask yourself if you're willing to be lonely for the rest of your life because you're too scared to let someone take your feelings seriously. Don't be an idiot."

"I've got it!" Youngblood called, returning with Cujo who was balancing the slingshot on his back. "I call going first!"

"Coming!" Danny called. He smiled at Ember. "For someone who doesn't have a lot of advice, that was pretty good stuff. I like you better when you're not trying to take over the world."

"I know, you tell me all the time." Ember played more chords on her guitar. "Go play with the kid before he loses his mind."

Danny chuckled as he got up and flew over to Youngblood. "Alright, Commander, are you ready for launch?"

Danny: Hey, how's Cali?

Dash: It's fun. My aunt Cassie is teaching me the secret family recipes

Danny: :o any chance I can blackmail U into making those for me?

Dash: Yeah, you can ask nicely

Danny: Can U make them for me?

Dash: What's the magic word?

Danny: Ambivalent

Dash: I can withhold my cooking

Danny: This is cruel and unusual punishment

Dash: Weird, I don't think your texts are coming through

Danny: I refuse to beg

Dash: Then I refuse to share my secret family recipes

Danny: :(

Danny : Please?

Dash: Ok, you win. Hope you like chicken kebabs

Danny: <3 U have issues with Reggie yet?

Dash: Ugh, of course. My mom has put him in his place a couple of times though. It's been cool.

Danny: Let's go, Mrs. Baxter!

Dash: She says you can call her Jessica btw

Danny: Is ur mom reading ur texts?

Dash: No, she just asked who I was texting

Danny: Aw, she loves me <3

Dash: Don't encourage her. How are your stitches?

Danny: Still worried about that? I'm fine. It's no big deal.

Dash: It's kind of a big deal. I'm just glad you're okay. I seem to remember you promising a game night when I got back. Wouldn't be able to do that if you fucking died on me

Danny: Did I? I just remember saying we needed to hang out

Dash: No, I distinctly remember you saying that you'd help me get revenge on Tucker

Danny: Ur going after Tucker and not Sam?

Dash: Sam kicks ass. I don't think anyone can beat her. Tucker threw a blue shell at me. That's unforgivable.

Danny: Ok, u have convinced me. I'll help u with ur revenge scheme.

Dash: How upset is he going to be when he finds out I've turned you against him?

Danny: Immensely. He'll never let me live it down. U had better make it worth it

Dash: I'll get some practice in. Wouldn't want to let you down

Danny: Hope ur cousins are good practice then

Dash: Nathan might be, he hasn't left the game room since we got here.

Dash: I need to help with dinner, text you later?

Danny: Yeah, tell ur mom I said hi!

Danny, on his stomach, lay on his bed, one elbow supporting his head, red pen spinning in his other hand. An astronomy textbook lay open in front of him, a page already underlined with significant notes in the margins. He'd ordered the basic books for the classes he'd be taking ahead of time so he could use the second half of summer to get a jump start on his studies. He'd need the extra time if ghost attacks ramped up again in the fall.

Granted he was working off the textbooks the teachers had used the previous year so it might all be for naught. But he figured any information was good information, plus he liked seeing the pictures from the telescope.

He was underlining another sentence when his phone rang. He reached over, stretching to grab it from his nightstand, not even bothering to hide the smile on his face when he saw the contact picture. He dropped his pen and answered the call.

"Hey, Dash, what's-"

"Do you have to have your boyfriend fight all your battles, dweeb?" A voice he'd never heard before shouted a small distance from the mic.

"Shut the fuck up, Reggie!" Dash's voice was loud and pissed. "You're the one insisting you know everything when you're just sitting here talking out of your ass."

"Like some kid from Amity Park would know than me. I'm in-"

"Your seventh year of college, yeah, I think that's too many for an associate's degree, making you more of an idiot than a genius!" Dash snorted. "Danny, have you seen Mission to Mars?"

Danny resisted the urge to laugh. "Yeah. Are you calling me to settle a debate about a space movie?"

Dash sounded like he was ready to commit murder. "Yes. Reggie over here thinks that the movie is completely scientifically accurate."

"It's not." Danny closed his textbook and pushed it out of the way. He rolled onto his back to give his elbows a break.

"I fucking told you," Dash shouted, presumably at Reggie.

"What does some fresh high school graduate even know?" Reggie bit back.

"More than you asshole! He's going to get an astronomy degree and I don't think you even know what campus you stumbled onto."

Danny bit his lip to keep from laughing, a warm feeling bubbling up in his stomach.

"Boys, please," an elderly voice called, "the kids are in the next room."

"What part specifically are you arguing about?" Danny asked.

"The part where he takes his helmet off and instantly freezes. You were just talking about it the other day."

"You were actually listening to me rant about the effects of space on the human body?" Danny couldn't help the fluttery tone creeping into his voice. He wrapped his free arm around his stomach trying to contain the small butterflies forming there.

"I'm gonna be sick," Reggie hissed.

"Am I on speaker?" Danny picked at the loose threads on his jeans.

"Yeah, sorry, uh, can you explain to him what happens when an astronaut takes off their helmet in space?"

"Space is freezing, obviously they'd freeze," Reggie shouted disgruntled.

"Okay, first off," Danny started, understanding exactly why Dash hated this guy, "It doesn't matter what would happen because an astronaut would not be able to remove their own helmet. It has to be sealed and pressurized from the back, meaning they would need a partner to put it on and take it off properly. So, there's your first inaccuracy."

"What are your fucking sources for that?" Reggie spat.

"Fucking NASA." Danny snorted. "Fucking google it if you don't believe me. Although, I assume Dash already tried that."

Dash coughed, trying to cover his laugh.

"Whatever," Reggie huffed. "They'd still freeze if they could."

"Not immediately. The first thing that would happen is their skin would develop extreme sunburns from exposure to unfiltered ultraviolet light. If they didn't immediately exhale, their lungs would expand like a balloon from the unbalanced pressure. Parallel air expansion within their ears and sinuses will cause the tissues to rupture. Any moisture in the eyes, mouth, and throat will boil and vaporize. The rest of the liquids in the body will also start to boil and trigger extreme swelling in the muscles. Then the vaporization will cause localized temperatures to drop and then they'll begin to freeze. But that's not the end. Any body fluids that are left can and will escape the body however they can; crying, vomiting, urinating, defecating, all of it boiling on emission. And then they'll run out of oxygen causing hypoxia to take place. Within twelve seconds, they will have lost consciousness so at least they won't have to feel most of this. And if they're not re-pressurized within two minutes, they're certainly dead. And you can imagine the consequences of surviving."

The line on the other end was silent for a few moments. Danny thought he'd gone a bit too far and maybe ruined his reputation with Dash's family. The butterflies in his stomach were turning to stone. He stared at the stars on his ceiling, nerves eating away at him.

Dash, finally, broke the silence, his voice bold and full of pride. "Anything to say to that Reggie? Or did you not understand half the words he said? I thought you knew everything?"

Danny felt warm and gooey inside with the tone of Dash's voice. He was proud of him. Danny may as well be melting. He rolled on his side, curling up in an attempt to contain himself. He fidgeted with the edge of his blankets.

"Whatever," Reggie muttered. "Your boyfriend is creepy as hell. I'm going for a smoke." He heard a door close.

"Yeah, whatever, Reggie, you sore fucking loser," Dash muttered. Danny tried to keep his heart from jumping when Dash didn't correct Reggie on their relationship for a second time.

"Good job, Danny!" Dash's mom whispered nearby. "I owe you one."

"Thanks, Jessica." Danny giggled.

There was some shuffling and muttering on the other end before he heard another door. "You're off speaker now. Thanks for that. I've never seen Reggie so uncomfortable."

Danny's laugh was bubbly and he was embarrassed at how uncontrolled it was. "Anytime. It's nice to know you actually listened to my little space rant."

"Of course, I was listening. And look, it came in handy. Anytime you want to rant, I'm ready to listen."

Danny's face burned, tears pricking the corner of his eyes. His cheeks ached from how long his smile had been there. "Cool," he wheezed. "I'm always here to listen to you too. If there was anything you wanted to talk about."

"Really? Cause my grandma has been trying to teach me how to knit. I could tell you all about different types of yarn and needles."

Danny laughed, every nerve in his body alight with sparking nervous energy. One conversation with Dash was putting him through a lot of emotions in a very short time span. He would be lying if he said he hated it. "Then please, go on, knitting master. I'm all ears."

"Dash!" Dash's mom called faintly from the other room. "We're about to start the next movie! Danny can wait a few more days to have you all to himself!"

Dash sighed. "Well, I guess you'll have to wait to hear all about three-sided yarn until I get back. Talk to you later?"

"Yeah, later." Danny breathed, closing his phone as Dash hung up. He breathed out shakily, cradling his phone to his chest. His heart was racing under his fingers.

Dash had called him to prove a point about astronomy. And he was proud of him for his answer. And that made Danny feel very weak in the knees.

Oh boy, he might be in trouble.

Dash adjusted the temperature of the water at the kitchen sink. He was washing the apples they had, making sure to scrub all the pesticides off. He handed each one to his niece Janice who was peeling them at the kitchen table. His grandma sat next to her, mixing pie crust and humming a song.

"Dash, can I ask you something?" Janice asked, setting a freshly peeled apple in the wooden bowl on the table.

"Yeah, what's up, nerd?" He grabbed the last apple, pulling its sticker off and running it under the water.

"That boy that you keep texting, do you like him?"

Dash froze, the old yellow wallpaper with its red birds suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. "Maybe," he drawled. "Why do you want to know?"

Janice shrugged. "Reggie keeps saying mean things about it and I told him if he hurt your feelings about it I'd kick his ass. So, if you did like him, I was going to have to go to war." She struggled to pull a stem out of one of the apples. Their grandma passed her a small knife.

Dash grinned at the thought of his twelve-year-old niece fighting his twenty-five-year-old cousin. She would win. "You don't have to go to war for me, Janice. Just ignore Reggie. He's just a mean person."

"That's not an answer to my question, though." She stood up and got a glass down from the cabinet, filling it with the homemade juice from the fridge.

"I'm curious too." His grandma spoke. "With the way you called him the other day, I'd have thought you two were already dating." She winked at him.

Dash laughed to shake the nerves off. Calling Danny had been impulsive, he just wanted to put Reggie in his place. But he'd been thinking about how happy Danny had sounded since it happened. He turned off the sink and grabbed a cutting board and a fresh knife to start cutting the apples. "Well, if you two gossips need some to satisfy you, then maybe I'll admit to liking two boys."

Janice gasped, plopping back down in her seat. "Drama. Is one of them Danny?"

Dash nodded. "Yes, one of them is Danny. Don't you dare tell him."

"Who's the other one?" His grandma asked, adding more water to her mixing bowl.

Dash didn't really know how to explain Phantom to people who lived outside Amity Park. Ghosts weren't as common beyond their strange little town so they didn't really need ghost superheroes anywhere else. "Uh, just this other guy from school that I've been hanging out with."

His grandma sighed. "I wish I was still young enough to play the field like that."

"Grandma!" Janice gasped, scandalized. Their grandma just laughed. Janice grimaced. "Which one do you like better then? It's Danny, right?"

"You just want me to like Danny because he likes space." Dash slid the apple chunks off the board into a small bowl on the very end of the old wooden table.

"Uh, duh." Janice huffed. "Would it even work with this other guy?"

Dash sighed, remembering how disappointed Phantom had been in him the last time they talked. "I don't think so."

"Why not?" His grandma asked, waddling over to the oak cabinets in search of the dough roller.

"I don't know, gram. I haven't seen him in a while and we just have… different lifestyles. It might be a nice experience, but I don't think it would work long-term."

"There's nothing wrong with experiences." His grandma mused. "They're a part of life."

Dash gave her a small smile. "When did you get old enough to be so wise?"

She cackled, setting the roller down next to her bowl and moving her chair out of the way. "When did you get old enough to be worrying about boys?"

"Touche."

"So," Janice took a long sip of her juice, maintaining eye contact the whole time, "when are you gonna tell Danny?"

Dash frowned. He finished slicing the last apple and walked over to the sink to wash the cutting board. "I don't think I will. He's trying to figure out what he wants from life and I think I'd just get in his way."

"Why can't he figure it out with you?" Janice said with all the sting of honesty that children provided.

Dash didn't even know how to begin low self-esteem to her. His mind raced, trying to come up with a good excuse. "Uh, well, I just think he deserves the best and I think there's better than me."

"I think he's the one who gets to decide what he deserves." His grandma smiled. "You put yourself down too much Dash. We all have darkness in our past, but it doesn't make our present light less deserving."

Dash didn't get a chance to reply as his mom came bustling into the kitchen. "How's it going in here?"

His heart dropped when his grandma smirked at him. "Good. Jessica, dear, did you know your son has a crush on not one, but two boys?"

His mom turned a curious, twinkling eye to him. "I did not."

Janice was practically falling out of her seat. "Aunt Jes, you have to convince Dash to marry Danny so he can bring him to the next reunion so I can have a space buddy!"

His mom gasped, clapping her hands together. "You have a crush on Danny? That's wonderful! You already have my approval."

"Gram, you're a traitor," Dash grumbled. She playfully shrugged, as if she did nothing wrong.

His mom was never going to let him live this down.

#just a little guy #ao3 #writing #fanfiction #danny fenton #danny phantom #danny/dash #swagger bishie #teddy ghost #whatever other ship names they have #of all the stories in the stars ours has yet to be told

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mbti-notes · 3 months ago

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Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes. How are you doing? I'm an INFJ, 26 yrs old. Thank you for your blog I find it extremely helpful <3

I grew up in an extremely strict, religious household and family. My Mom and I got into an argument about religion. I have a keen interest and curiosity of other religions. So I was learning about other religions to my Mom's disapproval.

Whenever we have an argument my Mom will insult me and provoke me until I give an reaction like anger. Which I unfortunately eventually do. My Mom will purposely fully provoke me after I've apologized then she'll say that I'm not really sorry and I'm disrespectful. Our relationship is only good because I don't speak up if there's something bothering me.

When I did in the past it just turned into an argument. And whenever we argue my Mom would just give me the silent treatment (currently my Mom hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 months) until I apologize or will talk to me after a long while and act as if nothing happened and not resolve the issue. Which is why the same things keeps coming back and bothering me. This was done since I was child. I would be crying and begging my Mom to talk to me and I'd tell her she can do everything else and be angry at me but to please talk to me. Which she didn't ofc.

Since I was in my 20s I just stopped begging for forgiveness. Unless I'm wrong I'd apologize. I don't know what to do in this situation. I know my Mom is not going to change. But I also can't continue to ignore things for the sake of the relationship. I try to change my response to the situation but it doesn't seem to help. It feels one sided.

My parents treat me unfairly compared to my brothers and even younger sister. I've tried to communicate this on multiple occasions to my parents especially my Mom. But she never acknowledges it. For example, my brothers and younger sister can travel abroad, go out at night and come back in the early hours of the morning, their books or shows aren't supervised. But my parents supervise the things I watch and read. Ex. They'll tell me that certain TV shows aren't for children (meaning me) but they won't do this to my brothers or younger sister. And that I'm even lucky to go outside because my Dad didn't want me to go outside. I'm the eldest child btw.

As an adult I want autonomy and independence. And every time I try to go for it my parents disapproving, angry with me and give me the silent treatment. I haven't even brought a boyfriend home or anything. The last time I tried to get my parents to meet my guy friend my Dad got very angry.

My parents would also accuse me of things I've never did which has led me to be anxious in certain situations. Ex. My friend wanted me to meet her boyfriend he was on his way and so was my dad and I got anxious because I knew that my dad would believe that I was secretly meeting a guy. Because they always think the worst of me and I haven't given them reason to.

I've thought about apologizing to my Mom so things can be peaceful. And I've also thought about distancing myself from my Mom because I'm just going to disappoint them again. Especially because I intend to get piercings which they disapprove of. I've realized I haven't been doing things I want to because I'm afraid of my parents getting angry and disapproving.

And then I've discovered doing what I want regardless of my parents being angry at me. At the end of the day im the one responsible for my life and how I've lived. I also acknowledge that my parents are like this because of their own parents and upbringing.

My parents can advise me but it feels more like they control my decisions. I want to be an independent, self sufficient adult. I yearn for freedom. But at the same time I try to avoid angering my parents as it upsets the peace in the household. I'm also tired and worn out from our arguments over the years. It's like I've been put in a cage for so long even though I can open the cage door I've gotten used to being inside the cage. Sorry this was all over the place. Any advice?

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In case it needs to be said, the punishments your parents use to control your behavior qualify as emotional abuse. Childhood victims of long-term psychological abuse tend to exhibit impairments in psychological development because they are actively obstructed from maturing and transitioning into healthy adulthood. In other words, it's hard to grow up into an independent person when you haven't been allowed to.

At the age of 26, you are physically a full-fledged adult yet you still struggle mentally with issues of adolescence. Since you still think like a teen, you conceptualize "independence" in oversimplified terms like defiance or rebellion. If you truly want to be independent, then you must have a deeper understanding of what it actually entails, of what changes it requires in your thinking and behavior. For example:

(1) Independence requires you to stand up for your own well-being, especially when others work against your well-being. YOU must create a safe space for yourself somewhere to explore, learn, and grow. As an adult, you are entitled to your own space and to live your own life, on your own terms. Whether you make good or bad decisions is no one else's business but yours, assuming you're not out to hurt anyone. The mistakes are yours to make and the repercussions are yours to shoulder.

In short, you must own all of yourself and everything you do in order to establish true independence. Are you really prepared to take that step? I often hear people say that they want independence but their behavior screams otherwise. Their behavior indicates that they can't handle the freedom to decide or the responsibility of facing up to consequences. Their behavior indicates that they want the safety of depending on someone else to: pick up the slack, clean up the mess, pay the piper, or provide a scapegoat whenever things go wrong. In other words, they prefer the cage.

Do you still live at home? Do you still depend on your parents for financial or other forms of support? It's difficult to exert your independence when you remain dependent on people.

(2) Independence means forging your own unique identity, rather than merely taking on whatever identity was thrust upon you. For example, most people believe in a religion simply because they were born into it. As an adult, you have a right to choose, so are you going to exercise that freedom? You ought to choose religious belief for the ways in which it will help with your overall well-being.

If you hope for religion to play a positive and meaningful role in your life, you cannot allow it to be used for ill purposes. I am not a religious person myself, though I have spent a lot of time studying religious philosophy. I have no beef with religion and even believe that it has an important role to play in human fulfillment. However, when religion isn't used as intended but rather used as a tool of abuse, then that should certainly give you pause and make you seriously reconsider your beliefs and values.

(3) Independence requires you to accept moral responsibility, through learning how to skillfully differentiate right from wrong. Is it morally right to punish people for accidents of birth, such as being born female or of a lower class? Is it morally right for one person to own another like property, in the way your parents treat you like their property?

One way that religion gets misused is as a tool of control or coercion. Oftentimes, people are taught to submit to a human-made hierarchy that codifies harmful beliefs about some people being worth more than others. This conveniently allows those at the top of the hierarchy to shamelessly exploit those at the bottom. Although religion is commonly used to justify inequality, is it morally right?

If you don't believe this is morally right, then you should not participate in such a system, that is, if you want to sleep peacefully at night. Being a member of a religion doesn't mean you must submit to everything it prescribes. Actually, if you were to do that, you might often find yourself stuck in confusing contradictions, because every religious belief system is guilty of internal inconsistencies.

(4) If independence requires you to skillfully differentiate right from wrong, then you are also required to improve your intellectual capabilities so that you know how to analyze, evaluate, and resolve problems on your own.

Earlier I mentioned that abused children exhibit impairments in psychological development. One aspect of this impairment takes the form of stunted intellectual growth. Abusive parents maintain control over children by preventing them from developing good critical thinking skills. Without good critical thinking, you aren't able to think for yourself, which means you must remain dependent on others to think for you. Abusive parents want you to rely on them to tell you what is true/false and right/wrong.

One common sign of poor critical thinking is oversimplification of the complex. This often manifests as cognitive distortions that make it difficult to reason well and make good decisions. A common cognitive distortion is either/or thinking. For example, you may believe that the issue of "independence" boils down to either obey or rebel. But are those really the only two options?

Independence isn't a simple matter of "obey vs rebel" but about taking on the responsibility of unraveling complexity, in hopes of discovering the best path forward. You are grappling with a moral dilemma, which means there is no perfect solution available. No matter what you choose, someone is going to "lose" something.

Discovering the best path forward requires you to:

make a list of the most relevant and pressing needs/issues/factors

rank those needs/issues/factors in terms of importance

explore all the different possible options based on your priorities

make a decision that reduces/minimizes harm

In your case, what does everyone need (which is very different from what everyone "wants")? You need to learn how to be an adult and live life on your own terms, which means you must remove the internal and external obstacles that would interfere with that process. Your parents need to learn how to be better people and better parents, rather than projecting all their hangups and insecurities onto you, which means they have some reflecting, healing, and growing to do.

As far as I can tell, these needs do not conflict. In the bigger picture, everyone in this situation has something important to gain by you asserting your independence. However, that doesn't mean no pain will be experienced in the process. The question is whether you have built up your intellectual capabilities enough to assert your independence in a reasonable manner.

Just because you can't reason with someone, doesn't mean you have to become unreasonable yourself. If you've been conscientious and you've put a lot of thought into the best way to get your needs met, you should be able to stand by your decisions and explain your reasoning as necessary. However, whether people can accept what you say or agree with you is out of your control. It's their business and it shouldn't have much effect on your resolve.

The main point is that operating in adult mode means there is no need for tantrums, self-pity, anger, rage, hate, or spite. All you have to do is explain where you're coming from, in hopes of creating a dialogue that leads to mutual understanding. But if there is no mutual understanding to be had and the objections you get are utterly unreasonable, you should not be deterred from doing what you believe is right. But this all begins with you having enough confidence in your own intellectual abilities.

(5) Since independent people can think for themselves, they don't need to rely on others for validation, so they are not unduly influenced by the perceptions and opinions of others.

Yes, you are right that the relationship is unequal; you give everything to get their approval and then you get nothing but dominated in return. This needs to change and that begins by you learning how to live without their approval. An important aspect of independence is that you have to be able to affirm, accept, and love yourself rather than always rely on others to do it for you.

The need for approval is the chain through which abusive parents keep their children shackled. When you finally free yourself from that confinement, through deciding that there are things in life that are far more important than parental approval, you will be in a much better position to negotiate a more equitable relationship.

Thus far, you have been trained to believe that "love" means complete submission, i.e., to sacrifice yourself and even silently accept the harm others inflict upon you. However, a healthy relationship should allow ALL parties to feel supported, cared for, and loved, which means a relationship can only be healthy when all parties are willing to express love properly.

When the other party withholds love for the sake of control, THEY are in the wrong, and they ought to correct their harmful behavior. If they are unwilling to correct, they are being unethical for dismissing your needs and selfish for placing their needs above yours. At that point, they no longer deserve your investment. It is illogical to chase love from a person who doesn't love you or is incapable of love.

At 26, there is absolutely no reason or excuse for your parents to use such control tactics on you, but they do because: i) the old relationship pattern is deeply entrenched and basically repeats automatically, ii) the tactics still work because, in the end, they always get what they want from you, and/or iii) you are deriving some kind of benefit from being under their control that you're not fully admitting to. This means the abuse will not stop unless you: i) do something different to change the pattern, ii) render their tactics ineffective, and iii) relinquish the "benefits" you're reaping.

It might be true that your parents won't change no matter how much you beg or plead. In fact, the more you beg and plead, the more they feel you are under their control, which gives them zero incentive to change and every incentive to escalate abuse. Most people won't change bad habits until they have little choice but to, which means you must stop people-pleasing and be more assertive in creating the change you want to see.

If you want to have good relationships in general, you must learn how to: identify your needs, communicate about them reasonably, and make requests of people to take them seriously. If people want to have a relationship with you, they must put in their fair share of effort to make the relationship a healthy one. Until then, you must be able to draw and enforce boundaries to protect yourself from harm.

Drawing boundaries doesn't mean you stop loving people, rather, it means you're finally learning that you also deserve love. You can let people know that you will always love them, but you can't be close to them until they learn how to love you back. Whether they eventually come around is out of your hands, so all you can do is leave the door ever so slightly open for them until they do.

#infj #infj relationships #auxiliary fe #parent child relationship #independence #abuse #boundaries #assertiveness #critical thinking #religion #ask

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dantegreaves00 · 5 months ago

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And Hell Followed - A Far Cry 5 x FtM Reader series Part One

Deputy Y/N Jackson is in the middle of a Holy War in Hope County Montana. Originally sent to arrest Joseph Seed he ended up becoming the leader of the Resistance, but the deputy has a secret. A secret that only Whitehorse knows. When his younger brother and sister show up one day out of the blue, Y/N finds out that his own personal hell has found him. Now with the help of the very people he was supposed to stop can he save his family and himself?

I know this summary sucks.

Anyway I hope you enjoy this slow burn series

Trigger Warnings

Mentions of past child abuse

Mentions of past child SA

Mentions of SA

Stalking

Guns

Drugs

Religion bashing (the Deputy has religious trauma)

Religious trauma

Transphobia

Homophobia

Angst

Tag list

@gamergirl-06 @capriskunk @transpanda07

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Hope county Montana, was in the middle of a war between the Resistance and Edens Gate and me? I was just the new junior deputy assigned with the task of arresting Joseph Seed but ended up becoming the leader of the Resistance.

As I made my way towards the jail where Whitehorse was waiting for me, my mind drifted to thoughts of my brother Elijah and my sister Ava.

Were they ok? Did they have enough money to buy food and clothes? Were they wondering why I hadn't come home?

Before I could work myself up over thinking, Whitehorse's gruff voice called out to me over the radio.

"Rookie, listen, there have been reports of all the Seed siblings being spotted near the river bank, could you find out if the reports are true and if so find out what they are up"

"Copy that Sheriff, I'll start heading there now"

••Timeskip••

I had managed to get to the river undetected and it turns out the reports were correct. In front of me stood the Seeds, John and Joseph were by the waters edge with fishing poles, Faith was sitting in a chair reading what looked to be a copy of the Book of Joseph and Jacob, well he was standing a little further away from them, almost like he was keeping watch.

I was about to sneak away back to where I had left my car to radio Whitehorse when Jacob turned his head in my direction.

For a moment it seemed as though he hadn't seen me, but who was I kidding, this was Jacob of course he had seen me. The thought of making a run for it crossed my mind but before I could will my feet to move he started to approach me and fear kept me still.

"What do you want Deputy?" He asked me once he was close enough to be heard.

" I was just taking a walk when I spotted you and your siblings, I was just gonna go, I'm not here to fight" I said half lying.

Suddenly Joseph approached us and gave me a look that was slightly unnerving.

"Is there a problem here brother?" He asked in that overly calm voice of his.

"Apparently the Deputy was taking a walk when he spotted us"

"Look I'm not here to fight I was just in the area when I saw you guys, I'm just gonna leave"

All the commotion caused John and Faith to look in our direction and for a split second I was back in the church.

"I see my child, why don't you stay for a while, if you truly were just on a walk surely you're tired" Joseph said as he guided me to where John and Faith were waiting.

"I suppose I could stay for a bit but any of you try something and I'm gone" I said as I took a seat next to Faith.

It was strange seeing them act like normal siblings, John and Joseph went back to fishing and Jacob started up a fire. Faith was lost in her own little world, the book still open on her lap but her eyes were closed.

Suddenly a mountain lion came from out if the bushes and pounced on John.

It was Peaches.

Before she could do some serious damage I whistled and she came trotting to me.

"Shit sorry about that John, Peaches here is very protective of me, she must have seen me with you guys and thought I was in danger" I said whilst stroking her head.

"That over grown house cat ripped my vest Deputy, but luckily she didn't draw blood so I guess it's fine" John sighed in frustration as he inspected his vest.

"Where did you even come from girl, I thought I left you with Sharky?" I asked the cougar, who's upper body was now pressed firmly against mine, like she was trying to shield me from danger.

"She is pretty" came Faith's siren like voice as she approached me and Peaches, who surprisingly tilted her head towards Faith's hand for a scratch.

"How did you train a cougar Deputy?" Jacob asked as he checked John out for injuries.

"I don't know, I helped Mable bring her home one day and then suddenly i was told to keep her, I also have a bear" I replied with a chuckle causing Jacob's eyes to widen slightly.

"A real Noah with wild animals then my child" Joseph said as he brought one of the fish he caught over to where the fire was still roaring.

Peaches eventually got off of my lap and stretched her front paws out in front of her, letting out a loud yawn she curled up by the fire and went sleep.

"And this is why I'm a dog person" I said causing Peaches to huff and roll closer to the flames.

••Timeskip••

The sky was getting dark and the fish were no longer biting. Peaches had wormed her way onto John's lap and he looked like he was about to shit himself whilst Faith was feeding her bits of fish.

Me and Jacob were talking about hunting and Joseph was staring out into the distance, a blank look on his face.

"Well, it's getting late I should head to the jail, Whitehorse is probably wondering where I am" I said as I got up to leave. Peaches finally got off of John's lap and came over to me when she noticed that I had gotten up.

"Well my child, this has been a wonderful afternoon, and I hope that you enjoyed yourself" Joseph said as he stuck his hand out for me to shake.

"Surprisingly, I actually had fun with you guys today, this doesn't mean I'm interested in joining the project tho" I said as I shook his hand.

"That is understandable, I do hope that we can come to some agreement in the future my child" he replied as Jacob came to stand next to him.

John and Faith also came over to say their goodbyes, Faith gave Peaches a scratch behind her ear before engulfing me in a hug which I awkwardly reciprocated.

After saying goodbye to everyone I started heading towards my car. Peaches climbed in the passenger seat and I sped off towards the jail.

••Timeskip••

Once I was safely back at the jail I went looking for Whitehorse to tell him what happened.

I eventually found him in the infirmary where he was checking on members of the Resistance that had been brought back out of the bliss.

"Hey Whitehorse can I talk to you real quick?" I asked as I made my way over to where he was standing.

"Rookie, shit kid I thought something bad had happened to you when you didn't check in" he said as he pulled me in for a hug.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"I just spent the afternoon with the Seed family, I was spotted by Jacob and well long story short I am currently questioning all of my life decisions, it was strange seeing them act like a normal family" I said as he handed me a coffee.

"You're not..." Whitehorse began to say before I cut him off"no don't worry I told them that just because I had a good time doesn't mean I'm switching sides"

"Well good, why don't you get some rest Rook and I'll make sure no one disturbs you"

Saying goodnight, I made my way over to one of the unoccupied cells and layed down for the night.

#far cry 5 x reader #ftm reader #jacob seed x reader #jospeh seed x reader #john seed x reader #trans reader #trans author

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idkwhylou · 18 days ago

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Darker than death

Summary : You need to think of something else since your mother's death. Seeing you in that short dress of yours gave Rhett an idea to help you.

Rhett Abbott x f!reader

Warnings : dark Rhett kinda ?, smut, rough sex (MY SMUT IS CRINGY SORRY im trying my best lol), mention of death, mention of religion, no y/n

Words : 6K+

A/N : I'm trying to work on smut so sorry if it's not good I'm new with that. Please don't hesitate giving me advices. And reminder that English is absolutely not my first language.

⋆༺𓆩⍟𓆪༻⋆

Royal and Rhett had just finished repairing the last ranch's fences when the two men arrived at the diner not far from downtown. The older man entered and wasted no time going to the restroom while his son walked up to the bar and waited for one of the waitresses to come and attend to him. A tall redhead he'd never seen before greeted him and led him to a table, not forgetting to put down the menus before leaving quickly to attend to another customer. The restaurant was full, almost bursting at the seams. They got lucky to get a seat so quickly. Waiting for his father, Rhett carefully observed the people around him but didn't seem satisfied with what he saw. His eyes roamed every corner of the restaurant, but he couldn't find you in the wave of people. He became impatient, refusing to believe that you weren't working today. He waited all week for this day, looking forward to running into you and your pretty face.

Once Royal returned, he opened the menu and looked at what he was about to eat. Unsurprisingly, both agreed on a double cheeseburger. In an almost ponderous silence, the two men waited calmly. Then, out of nowhere, you arrived. Greeting the two men quickly, you took out your little notebook and pen from one of your apron pockets and smiled at them, waiting for them to announce their order. Rhett couldn't keep his eyes off you. He loved your messy hair up in a bun, from which a few strands escaped. He would have preferred a ponytail though, so he could pull your hair more easily. He imagined his hand in your hair, controlling the movements of your head as you sucked his cock. He visualized you on your knees, there in the middle of the restaurant giving him a head. Those pretty eyes of you, looking up at him through your long lashes as he made you go faster. The sensation of your little mouth on his big cock as you chocked. Fucking your throat till missing air in your lungs must be divine. He shook his head, pushing the thoughts away.

It had been a long time since you'd seen each other. Rhett looked down at your bare legs, wearing short shorts that hugged your thighs just right. However, he was a little disappointed to see that you'd opted for a simple t-shirt. He couldn't help but give you a smile as you glanced at him before moving away from their table once you took their order. As you walked towards the bar, Rhett was tempted by a misplaced glance. Indeed, your short were also quite tight, he looked for a second at how the clothe made your ass look before definitely turning his head towards his father, deciding he'd seen enough.

“She seems better...” began Royal, looking at his son.

The youngest merely nodded, to be honest he hadn't been looking to hear from you that much. Since that day at the church he had another vision of you. He never thought of you that way. You were younger, too pretty and certainly too innocent. You were definitely too good for a man like him, however he liked looking at you from afar. Imagining what he could do with your pretty little body. As his eldest began to discuss the day's program, he was distracted by the image of your ass in those too-short shorts. He couldn't help but follow you with his eyes every time you passed their table.

Once both had finished their meal, strangely Rhett got up first and quickly made his way to the counter. Royal didn't wait any longer and was already out of the diner, leaving his table to the other customers, heading to his truck to wait for his son. The younger man waited his turn to pay, it wasn't unusual for him to pay for the meal but his father usually did. Today, however, he felt an essential need to do so.

When the customer in front of him had finished, he couldn't help smiling as your eyes met. He waited peacefully for you to give him the bill, “Busy day huh ?”

You raised your head slightly, “Yeah... but I prefer days like that. It's less boring than waiting for the hours to pass.”

From this angle, he realized that you were much smaller than him, something he'd never really paid attention to. Rhett nodded his head as he paid you, and then said, “Isn't Ashley here ?”. Without even glancing at your form, you replied that she was ill, which was why the redhead had replaced her for the day. “Good for you,” you couldn't help rolling your eyes at his comment. He took the opportunity to look a little at your breasts, and noticed you weren't wearing a bra, he liked that. There was nothing provocative about it, and you certainly weren't looking for cowboys’ attention, but he liked the fact that he could see your nipples through the fabric.

As you returned his change, your fingers brushed the hard hand of the man in front of you for a moment. “You’re coming to the rodeo tomorrow night ?”.

His question surprised you but without hesitation you nodded, “Ash’ will probably come with me”, he sighed and nodded as you gave him a smirk. “See you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah... have a good day Rhett” you replied in a soft voice.

⋆༺𓆩⍟𓆪༻⋆

Rhett had slept horribly and was tired the night of the rodeo. He had no idea or rational explanation as to why his night had gone wrong, but hell now, he was paying the consequences. He had retrained and lost the title of winner, coming in second place. He'd been working like crazy for months to keep that damn prize and now, in a matter of seconds, all those dreams had gone up in smoke. With the money from rodeos and contests, he was trying to raise a certain amount of money to get out of this rotten town once and for all. Between his father, who was becoming more and more unbearable -even execrable with him- and his brother, desperately waiting for his wife's return without doing anything else, he couldn't take it anymore.

He dreamed of escaping this rat hole, starting all over again and trying to be happy. The reason that stopped or he should say slowed him from leaving was his niece Amy, he didn't want to leave her alone in a family that was falling apart. But he realized by now that he'd never be important enough to tighten the bonds. And now, with tonight's loss, he was even further from his goal. Always one step forward but three steps back huh ? Rhett sighed as he leaned against a post behind him, he had left the track quickly after seeing his score in order to reach the area reserved for participants. The best idea was to wait long enough for his family to return to the ranch, not feeling up to facing his father again tonight. He wiped his hands thinking about what he was going to do. He could go to the bar. But he knew that if he let himself be tempted by a drink, he'd end the night there, or worse in cell. The rage bubbling up inside him was becoming more and more difficult to control, and even more so when he let himself be carried away by the effects of alcohol.

The young cowboy raised his head and looked around, spotting in the distance the man who now held his winning title. He couldn't help but feel a little jealous, anyway he quickly banished the feeling before he would do something he might regret after. Around him, other participants and organizers were chatting, but he didn't had the strength to join them. He preferred not to stir up the pity of some or the mockery of others. But just when he thought the night couldn't get any worse, he heard an all-too annoying voice in the distance, and without even glancing towards it, he knew Ashley was coming to disturb him. He straightened up, putting his hat back on properly before setting his eyes on the blonde who was about to disturb him for far too long.

“Sorry Rhett for your defeat...” began Ashley, addressing him with a pout. “You'll do better next time !” he looked at her for a second but his gaze quickly fell on you.

You were moving silently towards the duo, and the man couldn't help noticing your attire. If your father saw how short your dress was, it would certainly give him a heart attack. He let his eyes wander from your old boots to your cleavage, a little too pronounced for his taste. He shook his head before addressing the girl in front of him, who was already looking at him with a smirk. “Did you dress her like that ?”.

“I thought it would please you, all doll up just for you. I mean you’re the who wanted her to come, wasn't it ?” she teased.

So you talked to her about it ? Interesting. He didn't add anything since you arrived next to your friend, “They didn’t got any sweet popcorn left Ash’”. The blonde placed one of her arm around your shoulders, assuring you it was no big deal, as Rhett gave you a nod.

⋆༺𓆩⍟𓆪༻⋆

As usual Ashley monopolized the conversation and asked Rhett a whole bunch of stupid questions. You watched the exchange without paying too much attention, until you cut your friend off “Isn't that Arthur over there ?”.

Without waiting another second, she turned her head and her eyes opened a little wider. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to create some volume. You couldn't help laughing as she asked you in a panic to check that her make-up was intact. The man beside you watched the scene a little indifferent, hoping Ashley would go away for good and quickly. The blonde then kissed you on both cheeks before winking at the cowboy, trotting off towards the famous Arthur a little further on. Once he got rid of your friend, he moved a little closer to you, filling the empty space between you.

“Like that she'll stop bothering you.” You explained, raising your head to look at him.

A smirk slowly formed, “Did she ask you to wear that ?”. He didn't even have to say anything, you knew he was talking about the dress.

“Tell me about it,” you sighed. “I'm doing it to please her, don't think I like walking around like that in the middle of a rodeo.” He hummed as you continued, “She's nice, you know. If you gave her a chance, you'd see she's not all bad. And since... well- you know-”

“ -yes ”

“She's very considerate of me.” Rhett had more the impression you were trying to convince yourself but said nothing about it. After a silence you added, “Plus her guys stories are funny, so that keeps me busy a bit.”

He laughed softly and leaned a little closer to you, letting his gaze slide over your breasts. From where he was, he could see a small part of them, but above all he could see that you were still not wearing a bra. Damn. He did, however, notice a thin necklace with a cross. “I didn't know you went to church.”

You lowered your head, grabbing your necklace to look at it He couldn't help smiling tenderly at you. “Yes, I've been back a few times since... well, you know. It helps a little.”

“You seem to be doing better, you manage ?” in his voice you could heard concern.

“Yeah, don't worry-”

“-are you sure ?” you looked at him puzzled. Rhett had always been kind to you, but he never really cared. “I mean, I guess it's hard when you lose your mother. But when I see you dressed like-”

Your dry laugh cut him off. Was he serious ? “I beg your pardon ?”

Your first name came out softly, almost like a prayer from his mouth, “You understood what I meant-”

“-well not exactly. First you criticize Ashley and now the way I dress is a problem ? No way.” Anger was slowly building up inside you, his comment had hit you right in the heart. As if the length of your dress had anything to do with how you deal with grief. “Before you question certain things, maybe work on yourself a bit. I find it cheeky of you to criticize Ash’ when you haven't even checked up on me. She may not be the most perfect friend, but at least she makes sure I'm okay.”

You stared at him, eyebrows furrowed, waiting for an answer even though you didn't really care about what he could add. But something deep inside forced you to stay in front of him. Rhett was confused and didn't know what to do. He didn't want to upset you any more than you already were but wanted to express his idea properly. And he couldn’t pretend that seeing you all worked up because if him was kind of exciting. He knew he shouldn’t like that but god, you were so cute when you were mad. “I don't doubt that she's a good friend in your eyes but imagine for two seconds if I wasn't here.”

You rolled your eyes as you crossed your arms, who do he thinks he is ? “What are you talking about ?”.

Rhett gulped, your movement caused your breasts to rise, exposing them a little more to his eyes. Trying to compose himself, he quickly resumed, “She just left you to fuck Arthur or whoever. Can you imagine being alone, here at this hour ? I don't doubt your ability to tell a guy to fuck off. But let me doubt on your ability to stand up for yourself with three drunken cowboys.” He watched carefully your reaction then realized quickly you were going to retort again. He dropped your glare and picked up his jacket before handing it to you not wanting to cause a scene. “Now you put this on and I'll take you home.”

You lowered your arms, accepting defeat, and put on the jacket sighing as you started walking away. The image of you in his jacket made him feel possessive. He liked it. The cowboy behind you shook his head, catching you quickly before you went too far into the night. He arrived in front of his truck but didn't even had time to open the door for you before you rushed into the vehicle, not forgetting to slam the door behind you. The man sighed in annoyance and climbed behind the wheel. Turning on the engine, he turned his head towards you in an attempt to calm your anger, but froze when he saw a tear roll down your cheek. You quickly wiped it away, letting out a sniff before turning your head towards the window.

He called your name, but you didn't answer. Hesitantly, he laid a hand on your shoulder to comfort you, if you could call it that. After a moment, you let yourself be carried away and broke down in front of him, curling into yourself and letting your sobs echo in the car. Rhett rushed to pull you against him but you gently pushed him away. However, he left you no choice and took you in his arms, encircling your trembling body and resting his chin on the top of your head, waiting patiently for you to calm down.

A few minutes passed and you straightened up in your seat. Running a hand over your face, Rhett looked at you intently, not wanting to rush you. Deep down he liked being the only one seeing you that weak. “I'm sorry...”

“You don't have to apologize, I shouldn't have mentioned your-”

“I'm not talking about my mother. That's not why I'm crying.” You cut him off but your explanation confused him more than anything else. You turned your body towards him, looking at him, tilting your head against the seat. “I'm crying because you're right and it’s getting on my nerves. It's stupid to wear a dress that short just to please Ashley. It's just...”

He brought a hand to your cheek, caressing it gently, inviting you to continue. He was right and you were wrong. His gesture was delicate. In no way did he wanted to make you feel uncomfortable or hurt your feelings. He just wanted to make you feel better. Seeing you cry had made his heart ache, and when you looked up at him with your puffy red eyes he wanted to take you back in his arms.

“I'm sick of everything. I miss my mom, my dad's been drinking all the time since she died, the people in this town make me go slightly mad,... I just want to live my life but everywhere I go people see me as the poor kid who lost her mom. I'm tired of being pitied.”

“You're not pitied. People just try to be nice but they don't realize how heavy it is.” He pressed your cheek lightly trying to comfort you.

You rolled your eyes and broke the contact between you, moving closer to the door. He didn't like this, but he couldn't say anything. “Even at Church people act like I'm lost and-” you interrupted yourself, sighing for the umpteenth time, ”I don't even know why I keep going there to be honest. My mother was an adherent, that's probably why. I don't know...”

You turned your head towards Rhett again, he was still looking at you and seemed to be really listening to what you were saying. Realizing that you must be annoying him more than anything else, you closed your eyes. “Sorry to bother you with all this, you've certainly got better things to do than listen to me complain.”

He was shaking his head even though you couldn't see him, moving a little closer to you. “Nah, nah no worries. Go on.”

Your eyes reopened as you felt the touch of his hand on your thigh. Suddenly looking into his eyes seemed far too difficult. Your gaze remained fixed on his veiny hand. “I thought if I went out tonight I'd be able to think about something else. Then Ashley made me wear this stupid dress because she said you'd like it or something.”

Without realizing it, he'd tightened his grip on you as he listened, “Why should I care ? Did you talk to her about something ?”. His voice was much huskier than before, and it was as if he was implying something. Even if he didn't like seeing you dressed in such short clothes at the rodeo, he had to admit that made you look rather sexy. To be honest, the idea that others might have seen you in his company -dressed like that- with his jacket over your shoulders, excited him greatly.

You straightened up again, realizing your sudden closeness. You didn't dare look at him in the eye, but you felt his gaze. Suddenly you felt a wave of warmth wash over your whole body. “I just told her you'd asked me to come and- well, she started making up stories. You know Ash’, no big deal...”

Rhett let go of your thigh but didn't pull away, humming once more as he looked out of the car window. It had been dark for a while, but he noticed that a light fog was beginning to form, making it difficult to see what was going on outside. You raised your head without looking directly at him as a silence settled between you, “What are you thinking about ?”.

“Are you feeling better ?”

You didn't hold back your laugh, “That's not the answer to my question-”

“Answer my question first and maybe I'll answer yours.” he asserted authoritatively. You looked at him, disturbed by his sudden change of mood. Your eyebrows furrowed as he glanced at you, still preoccupied with what might be going on outside.

“Yes...” You began softly, but your voice broke slightly, so you cleared your throat and resumed, “Yes, I'm feeling better. Thanks for listening. I just needed to... say it all out loud, I guess ?”

He finally turned his head towards you and was now looking straight into your eyes. You gulped, looking away. You were all quiet. He didn't answer and continued to look at you, a satisfied smile forming on his lips as he watched you intently. Suddenly you felt so small next to him, something in his eyes had changed but you couldn't say what. “Is it about the rodeo ? I'm sure you'll do better next time, I'm not worried about you.”

“Nah it's not about the rodeo. It's darker than the rodeo.”

“Darker than the rodeo ?” You were completely lost and felt a strange sensation forming in your lower belly. Suddenly, it seemed much too hot in the truck. You felt your face grow warm at the sight of the man in front of you.

“Darker than death.” He moved closer to you as you watched his every move. “Are you sure you're feeling better ? I'd hate to rush you.” God knows how he doesn’t care ‘bout that.

He was so close you could smell his perfume. Forming a sentence seemed impossible, you couldn't think straight. Naturally, your body recoiled but you were already against the car door. Your breathing quickened as Rhett took off his hat and put it behind him. Your name escaped his mouth in a whisper, “Answer my question.”

You nodded without taking your eyes off him as he continued to move towards your face. When your noses touched, you let out a shaking sigh that made the cowboy laugh slightly “Would you like me to help you think of something else ?”

“Please...” That's all it took before he crushed his lips to yours. A cry of surprise escaped you as Rhett pulled you against him, he lifted you and with ease placed you on his lap. Your hands went to his torso, then his shoulders, before finding their place at the nape of his neck. The cowboy slid his tongue against your lip, asking for access to your mouth.

You let him as he tightened his grip on your hips. Quickly, one of his hands slid along your back before abruptly grabbing the back of your neck.

“Jesus !” You whispered as you stopped kissing him, his grip was hard but not hurtful.

“He's not coming to help you, sugar.” The young man smiled before sliding the hand that had been at the nape of your neck down to your throat. He found your necklace and played with it a little, “It’s not your mother's, right ?” you shook your head, assuring him that it wasn't. Then without any warning, he yanked it off you. A cry of surprise escaped your throat as he looked at you with his trusty smirk.

“Rhett !”

“What ?” You shook your head, biting your lip at his reaction but he ran his thumb over your bottom lip to stop you, “Don't hurt yourself, please.” His eyes were so soft and gentle on you but his thoughts were the complete opposite. Without giving you time to reply, he captured your lips again in a fiery kiss.

His hands delicately caressed your back as he kissed your neck, you couldn't hold back your moans any longer. Your whimpers sounded like music to the cowboy's ears. He pressed you against him, holding you firmly with his rough hands before moving both your bodies to lie on the bench. Now on top of you, he attacked your cleavage, leaving a trail of wet kisses on your boiling skin. He continues to move his mouth over your body, his lips and tongue tracing every curve and contour. His hands followed, exploding and touching every inch of you. Your hands found his hair, which you gently tugged on without trying to pull him away. It felt so fucking good. You couldn't think about anything else except the sensation of his thin lips on your skin. He pulled at your dress, letting one of your breasts slip out and took it into his mouth. As he sucked on your nipple, nibbling lightly, you moaned loudly.

“Shhh baby. You don't want the others to hear you.” You couldn't answer him, too absorbed with the different emotions consuming you. Seeing you that flustered for him made him want to fuck you all night long. You nodded as he took your other breast in his hand, massaging it sensually, and never taking his eyes off you. “Naughty girl. You're not even wearing a bra, are you doing this so I can see your nipples through your dress ? So I can see how much I turn you on huh ?”

You bite your lip, closing your eyes as he let go of your breasts, sliding gently down your body. He lifted the bottom of your dress and poked his head underneath. Soon you felt his breath against your inner thigh, making you tremble. With his big hands, he grabbed both of your thighs to stop you from moving. Once held in place, you could hear him laugh as he saw the wet spot on your panties, your pussy was that soaked just for him. His name rolled off your tongue, but he didn't stop, smelling your arousal. Delicately, so as not to hurt you, he bit down on your panties, grabbed them and pulled them off. Once he'd removed the piece of fabric, he observed your unveiled intimacy. He could see how wet you were and ran his tongue over his lip before placing a tender kiss on your crotch, signaling that he was going to take care of you. Which made you feel a wave of heat.

As he placed another kiss on your clit, you almost let yourself melt back onto the bench. You had sex before, but something about Rhett turned you on even more. You couldn't see him but could imagine the gleam of desire in his eyes. He was licking your intimacy like a hungry cat, his tongue tender and warm against you. He savored every second, his nose pressed against your clit as he let his tongue burrow deeper into you. He sucked all your juices making you moan more. No longer able to control your body, you closed your legs over his head. He grunted in displeasure, causing vibrations against your pussy that made you moan louder. He tightened his grip on your thighs and spread them further apart, then continue eating your dripping pussy.

Without a warning you felt yourself coming, you tried to straighten up by pulling a little more on Rhett's hair, but he placed one of his hands on your stomach to hold you in place. He said something without drawing away from your pussy without understanding what he was saying, and once again you felt vibrations throughout your body. You felt him smirked against your core as you struggled. You were breathing harder and harder, but when he started to play with your clit with the hand on your stomach, your breath almost stopped. It became jerkier. You were hot, very hot. Then you closed your eyes and let the man between your legs handle the situation. Bringing your hand to your mouth to try and disguise the few whimpers escaping from your mouth, you felt yourself coming soon.

Your hips lifted slightly from time to time to encourage him to continue, to go deeper. Suddenly you came, moaning against your hand as Rhett licked your juices as if he hadn't had enough. Your legs trembled and you felt your eyes moisten. As you tried to recover from your emotions, the man between your legs kissed your crotch one last time before moving up to your face. He kissed your lips as you could taste yourself. He wasted no time in removing your dress, pulling it over your head. Revealing the rest of your naked body, without taking his eyes off you he let his veiny hand slide down your legs to remove your panties once and for all, throwing them in his jeans pocket. And as you struggled to remove your boots, you watched him take off his shirt.

That's when you realized you were completely naked in front of him, even though he had taken off his top. You fold your legs and try to hide your breasts with your arms. It was as if he'd heard you, without further ado he removed his jeans, leaving him in just his boxers in front of you. You could see his erection, which made you smile anxiously. You let your hand go to his last garment as it settled back over your still trembling body. Your fingers played with the elastic of his underwear, but he stopped you by shaking his head.

“You're sure ?” you kissed him. “Good because every time I see your pretty face I want to fuck you hard.” With that he kissed you even more savagely, you pulled him by the nape of his neck wanting to feel him even closer. He let himself fall onto your body as his knee spread your legs. Again, your hands grabbed his boxers, moaning into his mouth as you slid the clothe down his thighs as he managed to pull it off.

“Do you want me to suck you ?” You asked in an almost innocent voice, he suddenly stopped in his movements to look at you with tenderness. You straightened up on your elbows looking at him through your lashes, waiting for his answer. It was exactly like in his imagination. You were there, just underneath him all naked. Almost begging for it. But he needed to wait.

“I don't think I can take it if you do. Let me fuck you first.” With that you nodded, letting yourself slide a little further onto the bench. He reached into the glove box and pulled out a condom. He tore off the wrapping with his teeth before taking it out. You took it from his hands, straightened up again and for the first time laid eyes on his cock. Fuck. Rhett was big. His penis was thick and veiny, and not just because of the erection. You remained frozen on his intimacy for a few moments. He laughed at your reaction before placing a kiss on your forehead and taking your wrist in his big hand. “You wanna stop doll ?”

“No ! I mean... no please.” You were far too excited at the sight of his erect member, you definitely didn't want to stop. When you thought back to the way he'd eaten your pussy, you could only wait impatiently to feel his full length inside you.

“Alright baby...” he took the condom from your hand and put it on before placing himself at your entrance. He placed one of his hands on your hip to hold you while the other allowed him to hold himself pressed down so as not to crush you. He licked his lips and entered you hard, making you lie back against the bench fast. A moan escaped your mouth as the cowboy began thrusting in your tight and wet pussy. He was so fucking big. He slammed into you with no mercy. You were already seeing stars while he was still slow. You clung to his shoulders feeling his pace quicken, “You like that ?”.

You nodded as you closed your eyes, feeling your orgasm coming already. Your hand gripped his bicep as he lowered his head to nibble your earlobe. You could feel his cock in your stomach, it was so big. With every thrust, a whimper escaped you. “If you keep making that kind of noises I'm going to cum in your pretty pussy baby,” a whine was the only answer you could give him.

He slowed a little before thrusting in harder again, “Fuck you’re so tight.” your back arched as you groaned loudly. You cried loudly and begged for him to continue. His thrusts were hard and you wanted more. The fire inside, your burning desire grew even more. Your hips tried to move to his rhythm, but he was too abrupt for you to imitate. “Feels like your pussy has been made for me.” He growled. Your nails scratched his back as he nibbled the skin of your neck, enough to leave a mark tomorrow morning. “All innocent in your little white dress. You wore it for me ?”

You nodded with difficulty, and he laughed darkly. “Use your words, doll” he added, penetrating you hard which took your breath away, preventing you from gathering enough air to form even a word.

“I- Jesus! y-yes...”

“Fuck,” he groaned, “You’re close ?”

You hummed, but it wasn't enough for him. He lifted one of your legs and placed it on his shoulder, allowing him to fuck you even deeper. His hands gripped and pushed on you. You moaned so loudly that you put your hand back over your mouth to shut up. He remove your hand by grabbing your wrist, continuing to penetrate you hard. “Answer me.” his tone was almost as harsh as the way he was treating you. He fucked you like an animal.

“Do you like it when I fuck you hard ?” you nodded as tears of pleasure escaped your eyes. “Attagirl.”

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more euphoric, Rhett began nibbling your nipple once more. It was too much for you. You wrapped your other leg around his pelvis to pull him even closer to you. You had the vital need to feel him even deeper inside you.

“Rhett- please... Please !” you whined. He looked down at you with a growl, he shook his head at your mess. Desperate, you were unsure of what you were begging for anymore. Losing track of your time, you didn’t even knew for how long you were in that fucking truck.

You were biting your tongue when suddenly you felt he was hitting the right spot. He was deep inside you. You let yourself slide but he caught you with his big arms, holding you against him. He straightened both your bodies, forcing you into a new position. Giving him more access to fuck you hard. You could feel his whole cock inside you, his balls were hitting hard against your skin. You couldn't take it anymore; you were going to fucking cum. You looked briefly at him, his eyes were focusing on the view of his cock harshly coming in and out your pussy. His brows were furrowed because of his concentration.

“Fuck ! Yes, yes, yes just there ! Please Rhett just- yeah just there...” the tears that flowed prevented you from seeing properly. He kept you close to his body, almost not letting his dick out anymore. Enjoying your inside too much he wanted to make you cum very soon. Feeling your wet and tight hole, stretching just for him made him consider taking off the condom but he resisted.

Rhett kissed you one last time and without you seeing it coming you let yourself be carried away and your cum ran down the length of his cock. You let out a moan that echoed through the truck as he could feel your hot cum dripping onto his balls. You tried to catch your breath but couldn't get over your orgasm. You kept moving your hips a little so Rhett could cum too, but he put your leg back, holding your hips. As he immobilized you, you let out a few whines of pleasure. He came out of your pussy, letting out a pop. Then he'd slide off before resting his head on your sweaty belly.

“Rhett-”

“-baby rest a bit. I’m not finished with you yet.” He felt your body trembling at his words. Now that he'd fucked you and made you cum, it was time for him to use you to his needs. It was even better than in his dreams. He knew you weren't going to be able to take it all, so he preferred to give you some time to rest before he began to do what he wanted with you.

#rhett abbott #rhett abbot x reader #Rhett Abbott smut #Rhett Abbott one shot #outer range #Rhett Abbott x you #rhett abbott imagine

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theweirdoinurhouse · 5 months ago

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Phobias, am I right?

Sorry for the bad title, but in my Ted Talk of the day I'll be discussing Tokophobia and thanatophobia (mainly this one). I've seen some talk about them, and want to share my own personal experiences with them and spread more light on the subjects.

CW: Talk of death, pregnancy, childbirth, and rape (very briefly) Please proceed with caution, I don't want anybody to have a mental crisis

So first off, what are tokophobia and thanatophobia? Tokophobia is the fear of childbirth/pregnancy, and thanatophobia is the fear of death. That one is pretty broad. I will section off talking about each of them. Warning, they might be long.

Thanatophobia:

I'll just get this one out of the way. I personally have thanatophobia stronger than tokophobia, and that's because it's literally unavoidable. And that's the main reason I'm so scared of it. Unlike other fears like heights or spiders or snakes, you can decently avoid those. But you can't avoid death. It's always looming over you, no matter how safe you seem. Not to say those other fears aren't valid or anything. They absolutely are. But nobody can avoid death. Not forever anyways.

Everytime I get home and open the door I'm scared someone might be on the other side with a gun. Or when I enter my room. Or whenever I'm walking I wonder if that maybe someone will drive by and shoot me. Lots of shooting thoughts, because it's one of the easiest methods. But no matter where I am I always have the looming thought of dying.

Then there's the fact about mortality. It absolutely angers me. Inside me are two wolves (sorry I have to joke to make myself feel better). One wolf thinks: Why do anything? We won't matter. We won't do anything that matters to the world or people. We're gonna die one day. We're not special. Why try so hard? The other wolf thinks: We're gonna die one day, so why not live life to the fullest? (Can you tell which one I listen to most of the time?)

I try my best to live my life to the fullest. But I'm always so stressed about everything. Then whenever I try to do something "cool" or think about doing something cool, I can only think of how that might make my life even shorter. I watched this one movie where this girl was the embodiment of "YOLO". Guess what? She died.

I don't want that to be me. I don't want to finally decide to do something fun and then die. But I also don't want to stay cooped up my whole life. Every thought I have contradicts each other and it's so hard to live with. I hate thinking about how we're all just going to die one day and that we can't do anything about it. And we have no clue what's after.

I'm not religious. And honestly? That makes this even worse. I have nothing to hold onto. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing. 😋😋 I won't talk much about religion. Like ever. But yeah, I don't have a belief of what's after, and it's makes the unknown so scary to me. I don't like not knowing. Just endless black? No consciousness? Nothing? Nothing.

I have oh so many thoughts about death. None positive. Sometimes I think about killing myself to escape this sad, non-satisfying world. When I was younger I made this idea with my step dad that when you die you get your own island in the sky and you can make it as perfect to you as you want. Sometimes I want to die to go to my own personal, amazing life. But what if that's fake? What if everything everyone has ever thought of about the afterlife is fake? Not having an answer is scary enough for me.

Earlier today I was helping out at a theater put away some stuff. I was standing on top of a latter. Then suddenly it was getting a little hard to breath and I was crying. Had to steady myself before getting off the ladder. So really other fears that can correspond to death scares me too. How diverse! 😄

Anyways that's the basics. Ill just stop it there before it gets too long.

Tokophobia:

This one will be shorter, so people who don't like reading a lot of words: here ya go.

Remember in thanatophobia I mentioned walking? Yeah sometimes I think about someone 🍇 me and (bc the government low key sucks) being forced to have a child. TERRIFYING!!! Honestly props to all the moms in the world, i could never give birth.

Whenever I think about pregnancy the first thing that pops up in my brain is that one scene from Alien. You know the one. There is a literal LIVING BEING GROWING IN YOUR STOMACH!!! WHAT?!

The thought just really grosses me out, and I just would have a mental breakdown if I was pregnant.

This one time in like 3rd grade my teacher was talking about her giving birth to her two daughters (no clue why she did). She had to stop because one kid was crying, knees to their chest and rocking back and forth. That child was me. I was absolutely mortified of the idea of giving birth. Still am. People call it the beauty of life. I call it absolutely disgusting (no offense. Omg opinions!!)

Anyway yeah. In summary: I don't like the world ☺️☺️

(I did not re-read this, so sorry for any mistakes in spelling or grammar!)

#thanatophobia #tokophobia #phobia #fear of death #fear of pregnancy #Fear of childbiight #I might have others honestly #who knows #i dont!

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mariyekos · 4 months ago

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Writer interview game

Tagged by @dithorba a little while ago so sorry about the delay but thank you for the tag! Just took me a bit to get to this.

When did you start writing?

I want to say 2014ish. The oldest fic I still have access too was started in 2014, but I don't remember if it was the first I ever wrote or the first big one I wrote. 2015 was when I started really getting into writing. I didn't post any of my writing to 2016, but I'd written tens of thousands of words by then. That 2014 fic got to 38k before I set it aside! (It was a time travel fic which hadn't even gotten to the time travel part 😅)

Though actually looking at the question again... sure I started writing fic in around 2014, but I actually started writing for fun before that! I had a teacher in elementary school, probably 5th or 6th grade, who encouraged me to write a story. I don't remember why she did, but I probably just liked writing so much that she recommended I have an outlet for that. I started with some original fiction that I want to say was something about people deserted on an island or something. In eighth grade I had another writing assignment that I'm pretty sure ended up being 25 pages long when the requirement was probably something like 5-10. After that I got into fic, and besides two or so original stories that never made it past 5k, I've stuck with it since.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write? -

I'm not good at writing romance and don't usually write romance, but I enjoy reading about romances. Generally I still prioritize plot over romance though. Once I got a book that was definitely a romance first novel and let me tell you, I was really annoyed when the MCs decide they wanted to storm out of the conference room to have sex in the hallway when they were in the middle of interrogating the guy who'd killed the POV MC's mother and was plotting the murder of a bunch of other people. There are times and places to do that! Don't do that when we have plot going! Figure it out and then go make out once we've made some progress!!

Other than that... I find body horror fascinating but I'm also not great at it. Unlike romance, body horror is something I would like to get better at writing myself.

(On a related note, the favorite genre of original fiction is fantasy. I looooove high fantasy novels! Give me magic and knights and religion and mythical creatures and I'm sold.)

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often? -

I don't think I've ever been compared to anyone. I have no idea who or what my writing is like to anyone else.

As for writers I want to emulate... this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've gotten into the habit of screenshotting fics I really enjoy so I can break down what I enjoy and think about how to integrate that into my own writing. I'll sometimes take pictures of books if I have my phone on me while reading, or screenshot ebooks for the same reason. I wouldn't say there's one writer in particular I'm trying to emulate at the moment. I do want to get more flowery in my writing though. It might be a slog for some people, but I adore it, so that's something I want to work on.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space? -

There are a couple places! Sometimes I'll write at my desktop computer, but I frequently write on my laptop while sitting on my bed. There's a chair by a big open window that I'll also write at from time to time because I like the light. Usually when I'm in my room it's because it's later in the day/night, whereas when I write in the window chair it's because it's earlier and the light streams in the room in a pretty way. I like to change it up a little bit from time to time.

When I was younger I wrote pretty exclusively on my phone. It was either my phone or the family computer, which I did start on, but that was hard because I didn't want to write when anyone was home so...yeah. Now I hardly ever write on my phone. For one, my two main WIPS are over 85k words long so they'll just crash if I try to write on my phone. Beyond that I tend to write when I'm at home, and I'm faster at typing on my laptop than I am on my phone. It's physically more comfortable. But I will use my phone if inspiration strikes when I'm out and I want to jot something down, or if it's the end of the day and I'm in bed and want to knock out a few (hundred) words before I go to sleep. (Occasionally this will turn into a thousand words like a few days ago but. Usually it's for shorter stints!)

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse? -

Great question. I wish I knew!

I will say that several of my recent fics have been motivated by seeing someone post something that makes little sparks go off in my mind. They'll put out a question or a sentence or three, then my head will go 'ah yes, what if we explored this-' and go deeper. From there it's just a matter of how much I feel like writing. Sometimes there's an idea I enjoy but little motivation to write. Sometimes I really, really want to write but even if the ideas are sitting there, I just can't get the words to flow because none are appealing in that moment. Sometimes I just have to trudge through a hundred words or few before I get in the groove of things and the words start flowing.

I will say that I daydream about things a lot. So sometimes I will daydream about a scenario until it turns into something fic worthy. Other times I'll have a fic, daydream, and then get enough of a foundation that I feel like I can write. It just depends.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you? -

Uhhhh. Angst? Pushing characters to emotional limits and seeing how being stretched may make them react? Character studies? If there are recurring themes they're probably unconscious. I like feeling things, I like making characters feel things, and I like examining them when they do.

I will say that a good deal of my recent writing (posted and not) has to deal with unpleasant situations and how people react to having to make a decision when their only options are bad ones, or to people doing unhealthy things. Lots of heavier topics in my recent writing. Does this surprise me? Nah, I enjoy it. Does it perhaps say something about my recent mental state? Well.

Even if they go through hardships they make it through. Are they happy? Well. They're alive. Happiness means something different to everyone. For those of you who've read xxxHolic, if you remember Yuko's quote about Subaru....it's stuck with me for a very long time. That and Subaru's horrible terrible quote about happiness to Kamui in X. Should the takeaway be that you should be okay with not finding happiness because happiness is not for everyone? That not everyone can find happiness and this is a fact of life that we should make peace with? Probably not. You should always strive for more. But whether I and the characters I write about are doing that as much as they probably should... it's fascinating exploring what happiness means to someone, and where the line between contentment and happiness lies, especially in regards to peace and acceptance.

What is your reason for writing? -

It's fun. I like imagining characters in scenarios, and when I write, I preserve a variation of that scenario that I can always come back to and enjoy. Sometimes I'll daydream variants of my own fics that don't happen quite how I wrote them. And that works because I have that base to come back to! Writing also helps me straighten out some of the kinks in these daydream scenarios. It's also fun to improve.

I also write to share my ideas with other people. I love reading what other people write, so I like to share my ideas so they can have a little peace of that happiness too. It also opens the door for discussion, which I absolutely adore. Sometimes even a short comment can get my brain firing all cylinders again, prompting me to think about something in a new or deeper way. I was very chatty in college discussion classes and I miss forums. I love talking about the things I love, I love exploring different themes and motifs and language etc etc, and fic is an excellent way of starting the discussion.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer? -

I'm not sure. I would like to say ideas, but even then I don't know. I can write long things? But I feel like that's more my a product of my definite weakness, which is being concise. I really struggle with that. It's something I've tried to work on from time to time, but I still tend to get so wordy I lose steam on fics before they're done. My google drive is the graveyard for dozens of unpublished fics. And when I say dozens, there are definitely over a hundred.

How do you feel about your own writing? -

I think it's on the good side of okay. I'd probably rate it 6.5 or 7 out of 10, with 10 being "this is the most amazing thing I have ever read, get this person an award, I need to talk about this writing," 0 being "this person seriously needs a beta and to look up the fundamentals of writing, I could not finish this." and 5 being "yeah this is readable, was worth my time to read it."

Recently I did some self reflection and have come to terms with the fact that my writing isn't what I want it to be but that's okay. I'm young. I've been writing for 10 years, sure, but for how much of that time have I really been trying to get better as a writer, as opposed to merely writing? How much time have I spent studying other writers? How much time have I spent trying to tweak my writing without giving up? I have time and I have room to grow. I might not be at the top but my stuff is still readable for the most part.

I think I have a better relationship with my writing than I did a year or two ago, when I felt like I was not able to do what I wanted to do and immensely frustrated by it. I'm still a little frustrated, but I don't feel paralyzed like I used to. My two current longfic wips, sitting at 89k and 101k words, are fics that I wrote for plot and and am currently revising. They're both almost done in terms of plot, only needing another ~2 and ~3 chapters respectively, but I'm only ~25% and 5% through revising for writing respectively. By that I mean going back to make them sound pretty. And even more importantly, I'm revising them to make them consistent in terms of style, and for the style to mimic the atmosphere/plot of the fic! I'm trying to work on matching my writing style to the narrator, which can be a bit tricky when the narrator doesn't exactly lend themself to the style I would like to write in, so I've been working on blending the two.

My writing isn't perfect. I wish it were better. I really, really wish I were better at using literary devices, adding in references, the general 'being flowery', and making these big overarching themes that readers can catch onto. I wish I were better at connecting small thins to the big themes. I love picking apart writing, and I want people to be able to pick apart my writing to find gems too. I need to strike a balance between explaining all my choices in the writing and not explaining them but hoping readers pick up on it. It does not always make sense for the narrator to explain all of the logic to something, because some of that should be innate. But I also don't want things to seem illogical, or for signs to be so obscure no one catches them. It's hard to strike this balance. I'm not very good at it yet.

So when it comes to the art of writing, I think I'm overall only just barely okay. When it comes to the craft or the act, sure I can write. I've written 288k words of fic this year. I can do plots. I can put words on paper (or on screen). But are they works of art? Well...they are, technically, I'm not going to deny that, but are they museum worthy? My current answer is no. If they're going in any museums then it's the city museum at best. It's the filler that people enjoy, but could easily be replaced. It's okay. People enjoy it! I'm proud of it. But I know it could be better.

That's the main thing. I know it could be better.

I want it to be better. I need to get down the patience to make it better. I'm making strides, but I'm not where I want to be yet.

My writing is enjoyable, but again I would place it on the good side of okay. Or the okay side of good. Not the good side of good. It feels childish in a way, compared to some of the greats. Not all writing needs to be chock full of little references and themes and flowery language to be good, but since that's what I want my writing to be, it means I'm not where I want to be and thus that it isn't good at what I want it to be. It's okay at what I want it to be.

We'll see how far I ever manage to get. I have so many words I haven't' published because I feel like they're not "good writing" and it's frustrating me because I want to share. I'm just sitting here hoping someone doesn't get to the topic before I do... because I definitely have stuff in my vaults that I enjoyed but hadn't finished tweaking, only to find someone wrote the same topic but better, causing me to place them in the grave because I can't hope to match that and don't want to be accused of plagiarism, because who's going to believe I wrote my thing first but then left it in my drafts for 3 months?

So...yeah I need to get over myself lol. I can write. I've been writing a long time. What I write is enjoyable. It could just be better. I want to get better at writing as an art. Hone my skills, refine my craft, and all that.

#erurandomness #thank you for the tag! took a while to get to but this was fun to think about #because man do i have a lot to think about #eruwrites #erubabbles #eruanswers #tag meme

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