#I'm so fucking exhausted my dudes
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It's time, entomb me within the Bass Pro Pyramid for ten thousand years with my mutuals and I will return like Settra the Imperishable and my golden skeleton legions shall unleash a tide of blood and conquest unlike any the world has ever seen
#I'm so fucking exhausted my dudes#Like you know when you're so tired you can feel your bones scrape together and you feel freezing?#THAT kind of tired#Anyway mutuals line up you're getting entombed alive with me
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i was like a bit tongue and cheek when i was talking about how you guys are never going to hear from me again when the semester starts up by virtue of university taking over my life. but i think i actually underestimated the extent to which this semester would make me So Fucking Busy. i was like "oh i can write fic in between light days and weekends it is fine ^_^" genuinely i do not think i have the energy to like, think about a fic concept for longer than five seconds. heavy sigh. i am mentally okay though to be clear like i am very happy but i am REALLY fucking busy and yaoi time, i fear, is kind of dead and gone to me :/ can't wait for wdapteo 5 though i should be avail for that! assuming it's friday or on monday :P
#objectively it is just syllabus week and i barely have any hw to do#but in actuality i have so much going on and i am facetiming my mom daily and passing out exhausted at like 11:30#again my heart is full because i missed my friends severely and i think when shit settles i'll have a great semester#i have a lot to look forward to and a lot of academic work i really like#and my close friend is having her birthday party soon so like that's going to be fun but i'm just like#so fucking tired. like SO fucking tired.#i guess in the long run my monday wednesdays i could write fic...but like. only Kind Of dude i don't know
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feeling very overwhelmed & slightly out of it today, but i want to write, so i think... i'm gonna sit in my drafts and try poking at some of the smaller things in there? probably shove anything i finish into the queue bc the idea of posting anything right away is weirdly daunting today lmfaskjfhs
#my mental is so fucked again dude... i'm shitting on myself over everything and it's exhausting and discouraging and askjfhdsk#but we're gonna try to fight through it bc i!! want to do stuff!!!!#and i know i'll feel even worse tonight if i don't at least TRY to do smth u know?#just one of those days where i'm really battling myself lmaoooo#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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so in juniper's campaign we've just found ourselves in a high-stakes situation that I as a player do frankly find stressful and am anxious about, but hey hi also the DM was like 'okay here are the exact mechanics of how this is going to work because I don't want to surprise you with serious repercussions, also here are all the options you will have to try to do something about the situation-- [affected player] what do you think? honest feedback, I don't want it to feel unfair, I want to be clear that I am not just trying to kill your character, and if it ends up being badly balanced we can revisit it down the road' and oh my god I could COLLAPSE and WEEP with gratitude
#[tears in my fucking eyes] WHAT IF DND WAS GOOD!! WHAT IF A DM THAT'S GOOD!!!#LIKE I've said actually MOST of my DMs are good but because of the way this situation was presented specifically#where-- as NOT the affected player-- it does feel like the way it came up was a little unfair and I AM worried about the stakes--#I REALLY SPENT SO MUCH OF THAT ABOVE-TABLE TALK GOING OH WOW I FEEL LIKE OUR FRIEND ACTUALLY LOVES US AND WANTS THIS TO BE FUN!!#I DON'T KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING HERE BUT I TRUST MY FRIEND AND IT'S SAFE FOR US TO TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS PLAYER TO DM!!#WOWIE THAT FEELS RELEVANT TO MY DND EXPERIENCE RIGHT NOW LMAO!!!#'I've looked at your stats and inventories to try to make this serious but balanced but if it doesn't work we can retool it'#'I want to be extremely clear that this situation could kill destal so I want to be extremely sure that you're comfortable with that--#-- and with how the mechanics are designed around it'#I am fucking. on my KNEES WEEPING. at the contrast with how punishing and DEEPLY unfun felix campaign has relentlessly been the whole time#and how little of a fuck it feels like THAT DM gives when he's like 'this random rolltable encounter was deadly :)'#'you guys didn't get hit last time and got all your spells back right?' uhhh wrong and wrong and we TALKED about that last time#are you gonna revisit the balance on your fifth in a row 'if you fail you'll TPK' scenario? no? yeah I figured lol#christ knows HE'S never invited feedback on his DMing. you KNOW I don't feel safe to say 'hey this doesn't feel fair or fun' with him#AND LIKE!! WITH A DM I TRUST I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO REALLY PLAY WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING!! YAY YIPPEE STAKES AND PATHOS!!!#I don't just want nothing bad to happen ever! but I don't want it to feel careless or heartless or just... Not Fun#anyway. grasping william's hands so tightly. my beloved friend. my wonderful friend. what a relief to have a DM that's good#after the shit we've been through in our now most-frequently-run campaign#the thing I'm mad about is that destal has been making a mystery saving throw every night-- but this was imperceptible to the characters#so we weren't acting on it#and now that he's failed it three times the situation is 'okay NOW you will be maming a con save every night and accumulating exhaustion'#'which can't be removed by sleeping' [six levels of exhaustion Kill You]#so like!! well okay I wish we had had ANY way of knowing how urgent this was before we got to 'now there's a deadly countdown' BUT OKAY#but like I said. he clearly put a lot of thought into the math for the mechanics#he made sure that we DO actually have ANYTHING we can do to mitigate the condition and outlined several options specifically and clearly#he checked in with justin about whether that seemed fair and opened it for future retooling if necessary#so I'm just at 'that was kind of a rugpull dude :/' instead of DESPAIRING lmao#this is a level of Oh Shit that's juicy! this is a level of Oh Shit that might force dramatic character choices out of desperation!#THIS IS AN OH SHIT WHERE WE STILL GET TO PLAY DND ABOUT IT AND HAVE ANY AGENCY WHATSOEVER. WHAT A CONCEPT.#ANYWAY!!! GOOD DND SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
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#haven't had energy to log into here because my work has been kicking my ass i'm spending half of my day off laying in bed#i fell asleep yesterday after my 2nd shift in my clothes with no blanket and woke up freezing at 7 am 🤧#i layed on the bed for 5 mins just to regain strenght to do a few things before bed yedterday and got knocked out by the exhaustion 😭#these 2 shifts were particularly hard and i think it had also to do with my coworker suggesting the dumbest thing imo#the dude wanted me to give my WHOLE november shifts to him like...WTF#he said he needed a sum of money for december and like helloo..#what do you think i am doing here?? don't i need money??#i'd understand if he'd ask for a shift or two but whole fucking month the sheer audacity..#i've struggled so much mentally to ge to this point and to be able to get this job even if it's not in my professional field#and it's physically demanding very much and so many other cons#but i've got it and i was happy i got it and to think some stranger thinks#he's more entitled to it than someone else like ??? it's just bizzare to me#he seemed such a chill person before he asked this#and i've spent last 2 work days feeling guilty for protecting my boundaries...#but everybody around me says i did the right thing so i am trying to not stress about it anymore#and i was afraid this would ruin the good work relationship i thought we established but idk anymore#i will be very cautious about him now#tbd
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me in the middle of midterms, trying to nail this acting job, struggling to keep up with my other work and also obsessively losing my mind over the idea that i may in fact have a crush on a man after 15 years of not being into dudes and presenting as a lesbian for most of my adult life (it never realistically occurred to me that i would be interested in a man so i am losing my sense of self as well. who am i)
at least i do have a new computer though i've been so busy i haven't even been able to use it yet
#he is also too young for me so i'm feeling so fucking guilty abt that.#and abt the fact that my closest friend group is all lesbians and we bonded over that and now having to tell them this... well.... <\3#also uni is being so fucking exhausting like. help.#actually got a midterm today and im so fucking lost. well whatever. it is what it is.#someone gimme a break dude#boludeces y reclamos mios(?
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siiiiiigh.
#friday chats#tw vent#(in the following tags that is.)#(so. scroll if you don't wanna read this i suppose.)#anyway. gotta love the overachieving honors student experience.#haven't slept well in over two fucking weeks. i'm so exhausted! it's 11:40 pm but i STILL have multiple assignments left to do!!#part of it is definitely my own fault; i'm the one who put so many difficult classes into my schedule this year#and i'm planning to go discuss dropping a class or two tomorrow actually#bc i've been struggling to do work because of the sheer stress of it all and i'd very much like to sleep for three fucking months#maybe more. perhaps six. maybe even a year. i'm so fucking tired#God. sorry. i don't like getting vent-y on my blog but i am currently At My Limit#i miss having free time dude!! i haven't been able to dedicate time to writing since summer ended!!!#hoping that dropping the class i wanna drop will help#it's not the worst one of the bunch but it looms over my shoulder and the subject matter is miserable#(it's economics. fucking hate it. i get why it's useful but the way we're learning it is so deeply draining. that's capitalism baby!!)#but anyway. gotta hop back to work now. :/ gonna log off for the night
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guy who didn't take their stop getting panicked and freaking out at everything and having unbearable heart palpitations and being unable to sleep pill voice guess who's feeling panicked and won't stop freaking out at everything and is having unbearable heart palpitations and can't sleep!! el oh el!
#i was like it's fine i don't even need them. dude there is a reason you went to all that effort to get them...#IDIOT!!#i know i complain on here alllll the time (follow for more complaining!) but you have no idea the extent to which i get through the day by#just not thinking about it. or thinking about it for two minutes then forcing myself to just. move on to anything else.#if i let myself spiral (like i did february) all of the time i simply would stop taking part in my life#because it's unbearable if you think about it. so i don't. but the constant pointed Not Thinking About It is exhausting#and the constant enduring is exhausting the constant Taking What I Can Get is EXHAUSTING (hence. the february breakdown)#and now nothing is BETTER it's just. child psychology voice kill yourself or get over it. and so i got over it. but that's not LIVING.#and my parent's think i'm just fine now because i'm fucking on the pill or whatever and i'm trying anxiety meds etc etc#but fundamentally the truth is the same (i'm not built to be happy and i wasn't built for this life)#and i'm just back to the trying! the trying and trying and trying and swallowing pills and practicing tai chi and#opening the windows and eating oranges and sharing poems and appreciating the little things#i'm tired of appreciating little things. i want big things!#and no i won't kill myself. if you keep living there is some chance life will become worth living at some point however low#and if you die then that chance drops to zero. so fine. whatever. i'll get over it#but this isn't good. this isn't a good life! every day i have to wake up and remember there's nothing here for me!!!!#YES every day is a renewed chance that life will become good but how can i not be burdened from every day that came before that was just#nothing?#something has to change and I'VE tried changing i'm ALWAYS changing it's always ME#a new mindset a new coping mechanism and new positive mental attitude#but that doesn't fix that fundamentally life as it is for me is Not Worth It. ok. if i have to live the rest of my life trying to rewire my#brain so it feels whatever sense of hope it can from the Tiny Little Things that aren't completely miserable and desolate like a stranger's#kindness or a nice treat from a shop or a pretty skyline. if that's all i'll ever get?#what are we doing.#in conclusion: let's create life 2 where everything is so so beautiful for everyone
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Every day is excessive but like a lot of those days, you know?
slut era (just wants to talk to someone every day)
#quality time is a love language#I'm realizing that#but I like alone too#like ofc anytime is amazing#and i never wanna pull people away from their people#I'm guilty of pulling myself away from people so I get it#I've had a major problem with infatuation causing inseparability and I don't wanna fall back into that shit#time away good and important#time with people crucial#but I want to feel special#and that happens while alone#or can MORE EASILY I should say#carving out a time to be with only them without obligation shows extra importance#which is why I'm kinda trying hard#but maybe I'm reading things wrong and it's not what I thought#or maybe my desperation is exhausting lmaooo#idk dude I swear the other situation fucked how much I see things#and maybe I'm a lesbian that catches feelings too easily#i swear it's only cause people gimmie an inch#maybe i turn that into a mile tho#i think i overthink shit too much#didn't I just tell you to get a fucking hobby???
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SHE'S FUCKING BACK
#I cannot fucking WAIT to give my irl gg friends fucking ptsd from back when we'd play AC+ together lmao#Not sure I'm vibing with her new hair though#not that it really matters#she looks just as exhausted and anemic as ever <3#her general vibe feels a little like cuter? than before#and idk if I'm vibing with the tone shift#but I don't really care because god I've missed playing that fucked up little homunculus#idk about the new design for FuckYouMode Para though#it's definitely creepy in the same way that Strive Eddie is creepy#but idk if it works as well for Para imo#It's more Creecher and less Monster#which works for Eddie imo since he's always been pretty Creecher#but idk Para has a distinctly different vibe#either way I'm SO fucking excited dude I cannot wait to retraumatize my irl fighting game squad lol#Pun's text Posts#Guilty Gear
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#personal#venus rants#venus whines#idk why I suddenly feel so sad and empty#i wonder if it's because im exhausted#i mean it's the last week of the school year#so it makes sense that I'm so mentally and physically drained#but ugh#i hate feeling sad jsut because...#to make matters worse but unrelated to how I feel..#it's been 4 days since I was able to ise my instagram account#the staff better answer my email#im so annoyed about the whole thing#also... i hate how some people treat you like shit when they have a bad day#like dude i get it i have them too#and i know you more susceptible to snap at someone#it's hapoened to me#but insult them and banning them from a server just because youre having a bad day is too much#go get fucked or something maybe thatll help you lower your levels of hysteria dude#like fuck off
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#really love how ping pong has been a constant thing in my life#ive recreationally watched people play it on high school. on uni. and there's a table here in one corner of the office#today it was White Guy™ playing against who i will affectionally call the tallest dude in the office#usually people ignore them. and i could tell they weren't used to being watched#but White Guy™ fucking loved having a public#he would look at me after every point done. waggle his eyebrows and make dramatic starts#i'm very smitten today#it's sunny outside too... i wish i could get a little sun but by the time i'm done with work it's dark outside#exhausting week but it's ending well it seems#personal#further edit numero uno: im love his tummy#love having meetings after lunch so i can just stare at it whenever he speaks
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im venting in the tags
ignore me lmao
#vent#Anyway. im a personal needs aide in a skills classroom. what does this mean???? they stuck me in a skills xl#classroom & the teacher straight up wants compliance & not learning. my kid also has a nurse who is so abelist that she regularly refers to#the kid as essentially a bump on a log. (paraphrasing) oh and tje teacher has written him off as needing a dif skills level & doesnt have#ANY real lesson plans for my kid so i have to make up lessons and adapt to his skill level as needed. I'm basically making sure he meets his#IEP goals with no real help & everyone around me sure hell never get it. which btw. He does. It takes a little bit cuz dudes often exhausted#and so its like he can only do a few lessons a day cuz it takes him so much energy to go to school & his parents load him up w/ tasks &#therapies so hes like ALWAYS busy even tho he needs rest sometimes ya know? and like its u g h u g g g g g h h h h h h#And its like jfc can we manage expectations & assume competence hes disabled hes not a superhero but hes also not USELESS#plus even though hes literally had a major seizure everytime hes come to school w/ his nonregular nurse his family decided to send him in#today with a new nurse LUCKILY no seizures today & the school nurse is also teaching me his action plan & how to use the gbutton so i can#do the job of the nurse if need be. Which honestly i do need to cuz his regular nurse is. BAD at her job#like complains to me about documenting incidents bad. Gets upset with me for tracking the bathroom habits cuz it looks like were not doing#the job. which. BITCH I NEED 2 PEOPLE TO LIFT HIM HES 16 AND YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME WHEN IT COMES TO THE SCHEDULE YOU 'KNOW BETTER' AND#REFUSE TO. YOU ARENT DOING THE JOB. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN#and she may or may not take vitals at home but she sure as shit never does at school even tho apparently shes supposed to
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groaning 'i'm dying help me i'm dying' to an empty house while i wobble downstairs to get food bc i havent eaten in ... checks clock. 22 hours
my brain is boiling send help
#this manic episode is killing me dude PLEEEEASE let it end#like i'm at the point where i'm so exhausted my suffering is just fucking comical to me now#i feel like i'm on a sitcom#look at this guy doing his little dance. FOOL. do it again#tbd#; I DON'T THINK THEY'RE SELLING COOKIES (ooc.)
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#tag talk#kind of morose rn. I wish kind wasn't functionally the same as trusting.#I wish trusting wasn't the same as gullible#I wish gullible weren't the same as stupid#I know so clearly that lies are easy to tell. and yet I know that in order to live freely I need to choose to believe sometimes#and this is one of those times I knew would happen. the inevitable failure that walks hand in hand with trying#and I will try again. because failure is a chance but not a guaranteed outcome. but it's annoying. it's exhausting.#this is about getting stood up twice in one night. in case you thought something actually important happened. nothing big. but annoying#annoying when you put out your genuine self as the best way to attract authenticity in others and instead it's played with#and I guess I should have looked for more ahead of time. demanded reciprocal honesty instead of simply trusting things would work out#trust but verify.#I just. I don't have a cynical bone in my body. I've had to learn all this#and I rephrase stories to make myself sound cleverer than I really am because I can think of a million witty retorts an hour later#but in the moment I'm just naive and trusting and over messaging it's so easy to take advantage of that#and I can't even report them for the undoubtedly stolen pics they baited me with because they block as soon as the game is up#oh well. live and learn and take away the experience and use it for something#I did meet a dude who actually plays age of empires so that's fucking sick.#got stood up twice. but met two actually cool people so it works out maybe. we'll see what happens.#I just- bruh how hard is it to get some good dick in this town?#anyway. I had a nice walk around the park while I waited. found a gravel hill with a hollow on the top and waited there to escape the wind#it was actually a really nice time at the park aside from the social circumstances
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I'm so tired man
#and like. i feel like such a baby bitch saying that bc i am so privileged to be able to just put my phone down and kinda block everything ou#because this is Palestine's reality#and there's no running away from it for them. they have to face it. what the fuck kinda right do i have to just ignore that?#and i know some people personally who have lost friends + family#i feel like I'm going fucking insane#it just all feels so hopeless. its like screaming at a brick wall.#i shouldn't say that. Palestine will be free and i won't even entertain another possibility.#but holy shit I'm exhausted. they hate brown people so fucking much dude. we could all be dead tomorrow and they'd all be fucking happier#i just.. idk what to do
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