#I'm so fcking sick of this shit or something?

[spywhitney]

I don't want to see Luca anywhere near Sydney in season 4.

If sydcarmy is happening, I don't want no romantic or platonic (pft) storyline with Luca for Syd.

For one, it makes no sense to spend time on a relationship that's going to end. And highkey, I especially wouldn't like if a romance happened only for there to be parallels to Carmen, or Luca is presented as a good viable option for Syd, only for her to get with Carmen anyway.

At this point, I just want the show to give sydcarmy or get the hell away lol. I'm over the multi-channel gaslighting of it not being there in the show and the parallels that many hope are actually going to mean something by the time the show ends.

Syd, Marcus, Ebra, Tina, Gary (and Manny and Angel that won't be getting any screen time atp) haven't got the time I think they deserve (Syd in particular, for the second main character where tf was she in S3? S2 I understand, but for real wtf was that?). That time would be better spent on them rather than a short-lived, reprieve-centred fling for Syd imo.

I wrote a post a while ago regarding sydcarmy after S3 and I still more or less agree with what I said, but in terms of plot, if Sydney is going to struggle along with Carmen when she chooses to stay at the bear, that's perfectly fine. But I don't want anymore ambiguity, "up to interpretation" bs when it comes to them. At least give me the opportunity to wave a satisfied fist in the air with blatant, confirmed romance between them at least, so I can say "the sydcarmy shippers told yall so", even if I don't particularly want it the same way.

[azem-ghale]

Sorry no sorry but I hate how Larian made everybody look the same age just about everybody looks around 40 and it makes zero sense , probably because they got lazy and just copy pasted most faces and unfortunately the faces look the same age, hate the fact that they chose to do select a head bullshit instead of sliders nodody with out mods has a unique tav they look the same. Exact same skinny body if you're female tav (don't worry boys you're allowed muscles)

And yes I'm aware some people are older but not everyone some people are younger

And if they did that for the motion capture shit, that's dB they should of done soo much of it, I'd of happily waited longer for someone to do more of it by hand so I didn't have to look at so much uncanny animations and expressions

Honestly you can tell so much if it is just a guy in a room jogging on the spot /faking falling over it looks soo bad sometimes

I'm sick of seeing that racist ass vampire in my face at all times he's the only companion who actively chose to be a bigot before any trauma etc it's why he got jumped in the first place sick of people using his trauma as an excuse for it also no a 39 elf would have that many n wrinkles but that man would 100% lie about his age, and no before some of you start bitching there's nothing wrong with having lines but again everyone looks the same age or older

Poor Wyll gets ignored so much it's like they hate him or something people say oh they are fixing his romance.. They can fix his quest too, you know the one where he gets pushed aside in his own quest

And omg I am so tired of how much dialogue is just edgy or cringy which of funny because those two things can be fun but Larian I just want to have a normal fcking conversation without some weird edgy or cringy shit been randomly thrown in.

Also Halsins romance was pretty gross when they first pushed it out (I'm hoping it changed) because so much of you're dialogue choices were flagged as romantic/flirting even if it didn't sound like that, then he's get angry if you rejected him claiming you treated him like a lover....

If I ever try to play again I need a mod that stops the camera showing my face in dialogue so I'm not forced to watch them react out of charecter every time

[pacifymebby]

not really a memory but I got into the band through your stories!!! I don't remember how I stumbled across them or your writing but I started reading only knowing a few songs without knowing much about the members and it went from there. I loved all your stories and I'd always look forward to your updates. I loved the way you wrote the boys and it was so cool how you would include the whole band. I love your fics where there's multiple characters and stories going on at the same time 🩷

Holy shit bro that's incredible? (For me anyway omg)

Honestly aw thats so !!!! I'm a wee bit speechless like that's just so fcking cool I can't believe my shitty little fanfics are what got you big into the band that's sick.

Anyway idc if it's not a memory you're the first person to send something and that's v cool of you!!!

I think the way I got into them was hearing Van on the radio talking to Jo Wiley?? I didn't know any of their music and him doing an acoustic of cocoon on that show was the first time I heard them I think? But I just remember he was talking about his gf being the love of his life and he seemed like such a pure soul and a canny lad that that made me want to like the band. And then their video for cocoon was on MTV a lot? And then he was on never mind the buzzcocks and I was just sold on then haha.

I used to dance around the living room to cocoon back when I was v v unwell with my ED and anxiety, always after college I'd be hungover and feeling rotten from being drunk all day in college (I was a bad student) and like, it just being such a relief and so freeing and joyous to close the curtains, turn the volume on the TV up and go a bit nuts jumping around like a kid for the 3 minutes it was on.

Shot at the Night by the Killers and a song by the vaccines were always on at the same time and it's such a happy memory of just like, it was just me having a nice time by myself and not having to be worried about anything for half an hour.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

After SO many attempts to get my sculptures glaze-fired at the local free kiln, and failing, I scheduled a kiln rental ($$$) at a paid place, took my un-fired stuff and called a lyft home. In the lyft, I was bitching and whining a bit about how all this could have been avoided if I hadn't gotten sick at the wrong time and missed the last week of open studio at unm, when the driver said "wait, open studio? my daughter is 13, she DESPERATELY wants to learn to do pottery, I've been looking everywhere for an affordable studio" and I said "well, she's a little young but people do bring their kids to the UNM pottery studio all the time. They have lessons, membership is $20 for non-students. The studio won't re-open til September though, do you want me to give you their insta?" when I said "$20" she was overjoyed, and said "God must have put you in my car today." I, for some reason unable to let shit slide, mentioned that while I wasn't raised Christian OR currently Christian, I'm studying medieval manuscripts which is basically bible-study-by-proxy, so am now stuck halfway into an Early Medieval Christian worldview, less as an actual Faith and more as something that inevitably affects how I view the world because I study it non-fcking-stop. The lyft driver laughed and said "well hopefully you will get out of that Phase soon", I also laughed and said

cut to today, almost exactly a week later, I'm at the paid kiln place doing some last-minute overglazing ($$$!!!!) and chatting with an employee abt my archeology/history studies. They mention how active they are in fandom, and it comes up that they used to be in the Supernatural fandom, left early-ish but kept up with spoilers. They love folklore and don't only AGREE with my comments about Grendels/Pookas/etc being in the show, but immediately pick up on WHY I made these connections without me having to explain, which is amazing. Then they mention that they left the show because, having been raised EXTREMELY Catholic, Cas' portrayal was so inaccurate that it made them angry.

I was confused by this, both because Cas' portrayal in spn is RIDICULOUSLY lore-accurate (like most good & interesting things in spn this is by complete accident) and because afaik Cassiel NEVER shows up in Catholicism- he's primarily Islamic and Kabbalistic, with later appearances in Hermeticism and broader Esoterica/Angelology. But the employee, named Crash (seriously) says, no, Cassiel (spelled Kasziel/Kafziel, both variant spellings I've seen before) is mentioned, and even described, in a book they were forced to read as part of homeschooling growing up, and Cas is NOTHING like in spn.

At this point, we realized that our difference in opinion on Cas came from how we were raised, and that arguing it was about as useful as actually arguing about religion. However, when they mentioned that the text was a book on angels by St. Augustine, I sat up straight, because I'd had to read St. Augustine for SEVERAL classes this past year (talky, tormented medieval guy with a thing for going hand-to-hand w demons. I think he's the Hilariously "Falling In Reverse"-Coded Saint but maybe that was someone else), and I'd never heard or seen of any works by St. Augustine on angels. Given that this fell SO neatly into SO many things I'm annoyingly obsessed with and also promised 11TH CENTURY CANON CAS, I googled it as I waited for the glaze to dry- nothing. A bunch of texts, scholarly essays and articles ABOUT St. Augustine's descriptions of angels, but no primary source mentioned aside from "St. Augustine, at some point, described angels".

So on my way out, I say hi to Crash, and ask them what the title of the book was. They say that while they don't know, since I'm coming back tomorrow to pick up my fired pieces, they can call their mom and ask the book title, and that "[their] mom would just be happy that its a Catholic Question for once".

So idk what all this led to, hopefully some decently glazed pieces, plenty of new things learned abt clay that they don't teach at the unm studio, and maybe even the bonus of yet another Weird Ass Early-Medieval Christian Text to fuck around with. And medieval Cas.

MEDIEVAL CAS

...anyway, OP's post just reminded me of it. This has been my oddly specific, Anglo-Saxon Christian guided quest to fire my (perhaps unsurprisingly, Anglo-Saxon- and Norse- inspired) ceramics before the medieval fair. Normally I wouldn't say "God is looking down on me" under any circumstances, but if SPECIFICALLY THE PRE-REFORMATION GOD OF EARLY MEDIEVAL NORTH EUROPE WAS LOOKING DOWN ON ME

idk I just think thats funny

If I had a nickel for every time I was debating the value of early-medieval Christianity over this specific box of semi-glazed, unfired sculpture pieces...

Me, on the welcome desk in the library: Good morning, how are you today?

Customer: I have welcomed Jesus into my heart and so I am well today and every day.

Me, a little unnerved: Okay then! Is there something I can help you with?

Customer, digging around in his bag and pulling out an iPhone in a box: Unfortunately, Jesus can't help me with this fucking phone, so I came to the library.

[babiluvmuffinxx]

I am soooo fcking NOT ok right now like what the entire fck is this shit?! Something don't feel right especially after so many people jumped the Frump ship. I'm sick to my stomach and had a whole anxiety attack last night so I couldn't sleep. I'm going thru all stages of grief at once and I wanna cry. Also I'm so sickened by the fact that too many people were so focused on their retribution and sticking it to minorites that they're oh so willing to gamble even their own lives and right to be ok I'm....

[funeralbuffet]

every single day i watch the person i love the most treat me like i'm an irrelevant person, a burden, an option, garbage. no matter how much kindness, love and care i give them, all i get is toxicity, lies and pain. and if i turn my back on them and try to give up and do my own thing, life just throws problem after problem at me. no matter what i do, i do not success. i'm so sick of this. i'm sick of being taken advantage of, i'm tired of only being an option or only being good enough if i provide something, i'm so sick of being lonely, i wish i had healthy people surrounding me, i wish i had a parent that actually cares about me, or at least some healthy friends but i'm fucking lonely lmao. i'm all by myself and i dont want to seem like a wuss or crybaby, if anyone reads this at all, but i'm at my limit. with each day it gets harder to not fcking unalive myself and i genuinely dont know how much longer i can take this shit.

[marculees]

Does anyone get so excited over things that they begin to feel the opposite and suddenly sick with anxiety for them because of other people stressing you out, or is that just me? ^^’

[satanfemme]

✌️😚

actually I don't want to blacklist mcr but what if I blacklisted mcr lol

[dustofthedailylife]

Hii beautifull :>

So I was and still am sick as hell so I am really sorry for not writing you sooner and short feedback about that amazing headcanons(? im still confused about labeling stories)

You know me, I usually write something for each one but today I don't think I have that much energy I'm soo sorry BUT DONT YOU DARE TO THINK I DIDNT LIKE THEM I LOVE THEM

And also HOLY SHIT IVE MISSED THAT MUCH? AN EVENT!?! I hope you still have a place for me in the event :3 I'll write for the event when I woke up from my nap in 2 hours I think? dunno?

Let's get back to the headcanons

You know everyone says "i can feel the butterflies in my stomach" when they get excited right? Well, I felt a fcking eagle flapping its wings! ALL OF THEM WAS PERFECT!!!!! When I was reading it my mother was sitting across me and saw me blushing and giggling and asked me if I had a bf. [Yes mom, im dating with 9 fictional men]

I'm trying to decide whose part is my favorite but it's harder then my physic exams tbh. Each of them has their best parts, like Ayato's boldness, Childe's teasing, Diluc's shyness, Heizou's offer, Kaeya's flustered but teasing attitude, Kazuha's softness, Thoma's flustered state, Xiao's attempt to playing cool and Zhongli's confidence. As you can see I've already fallen in love with them all eheheheh

I'd love to write more about them but unfortunately I am exhausted :[ I'm gonna take a quick nap and send you an event ask

Luv ya <3 thank you for feeding us with good works mwah 😙

-⛄️

Hi ⛄-Nonnie!!

I'm so sorry to hear you're sick! I hope you feel better soon, speedy recovery 💕

It was headcanons with short drabbles so you got that right, haha!

And please don't stress yourself that you didn't write something for each. I already appreciate it when you send an ask at all about what I write. It genuinely makes me feel all giddy and happy every time again! Just knowing someone reads and enjoys what I write means the world.

Also yes, very valid. Dating all the fictional men! What can we do, they're just too perfect 🤭

Hope your nap was nice! And as I said before, get well soon! Hope you have a great weekend despite being sick and make sure to drink enough! 💕

[patheticwithanem]

Dear...

...self,

I think it's important to remind you that you have done a great job the past 9 months. You are a completely different person from 5 years ago; you've shown a lot of growth the past year alone and I know you're capable of so much more. You should give yourself more credit for your resiliency and persistence. That paradigm shift looks sooooo good on you and I know you worked sooooo hard to get to that place. You should be proud of that.

But enough beating around the bush; you still have 3 months before the year ends and that's plenty of time TO. GET. THINGS. FCKING. DONE. What happened to your gym membership? Start using it now! You want to be healthier and feel better about yourself? Then you better get your ass up and work! I understand there's a lot of anxiety about how and where to start because a lot of your insecurities and fears stem from the fact that you're unathletic and awkward (in every sense of the word), and that you don't want to subject yourself to ridicule; all of which are valid. But everybody started from somewhere. Yes, you may feel like a fish out of water surrounded by gym rats and fitness enthusiasts, but who cares? Remind yourself: who am I doing this for? And what do you want to get from it? Where do you want to go? You are never reaching that place if you let the things you have little control of get the best of you. You were biking before, then do it again! That and reading about it should prepare you enough for what to expect once you start doing it. I hope you start NOW. I know that YOU know great things are going to come out of this. As cliché as it sounds, this is a step forward to being the best version of yourself. And at 30, I know you want to be thinking about that.

There's a lot to unpack from the last couple of months and obviously, turning 30 came with a lot of existential crisis mostly centered around deciding what you want to be in this next era, what things you want to take with you and which ones to let go of. That's always going to be a long discussion (so maybe next time, because God knows you can go on and on and on talking about it lol), but one thing that I am sure of is you have to let go of your BAD SPENDING HABITS. Your 20s has been about figuring yourself out and a lot of it meant making excuses about doing stuff because "this is going to lead to me figuring my shit out" but if I'm being really honest, a lot of it is just about spoiling yourself and filling in whatever void you have in your life. Sure, nothing wrong with that as it feels good at the moment and you can argue memories last forever, but you better think about your future too! You were on 3 vacation trips the past 2 months and you are planning to buy a Nintendo Switch (which almost became an impulsive purchase) and had medical expenses when you got sick of dengue fever. READ THAT AGAIN. That should be proof enough that you are spending way above your means! We are way past the point of justifying it by "having something to remember by on my birthday" so you better be working on how to recuperate from those expenses and start strategizing about how you can be more financially responsible in this next era of your life. You have to stop this incessant need to feel validated all the time by material things or experiences because "you deserve it. You DO deserve it, but just like everything in life, excessive is bad news. You have to learn how to strike a balance between being responsible and indulging yourself; claiming what you deserve. So that plan to get more sources of income? Go for it! That's also skilling for you so you are hitting two birds with one stone. You are doing a good job with cash flow forecasting, but you can do a lot better. Save if you can. The pandemic should be enough wake up call to realize that anything can happen in a dime.

Speaking of "deserving better", the other major takeaway is going beyond words and taking ownership of your life. It's no easy feat but if you know what you need or what you want and you want to claim it, then LET THE WORLD KNOW. A lot of times, we get stifled because we hesitate too much. Multiple facets of your life get affected by your hesitancy, so why are you letting it steer your destiny? Easier said than done of course because you have to factor in all variables, but then again, isn't your new mantra to let go of things you can't control? And then focus your energy on things you can? Case in point: relationships. If you are not getting what you think you deserve, why don't you communicate it? Maybe work something out? If not, why are you hesitating on letting it go? Taking ownership of your life means making the hardest decisions too. And being your best self means doing things that's out of your comfort zone as well. If you want to be well-rounded and you want them and the world to know, then OWN IT. You'll still work at your own pace because you know yourself better than anyone, but you can work on being more intentional.

It's crunch time, baby! I'll check out on you again before the year ends, but please know I am always rooting for you.

[piracytheorist]

Frend! Have you read this?

https://twitter.com/AestheticGamer1/status/1572808598224523266

Recommend reading the whole thread. It's apparently spoilers for Shadows of Rose and boy do I feel vaguely sick. Ethan went through all that pain, suffering even gave his life for THIS to happen? And we see how fcking miserable she grows up!! i a m climbing W A L L S and tearing some people a new one UGH hoping there's a VERY good reason for all this

(also, hello! hope you're doing well :3 )

-laa

My answer will be less dramatic than it would've normally been because I already went down the quote replies on that tweet and liked all the ones that said they hate that (and muted everyone who was screaming "CHRIS DILF CHRIS DILF" like my dude... read the room) so I kinda vented off there.

But yeah uhm... that fucking sucks :) Like we see in the trailer how Rose wished to have a normal life but I hadn't expected she would be taken away from Mia. And if Mia HAD done something while having Rose on her custody, then again that's a writing mistake. Just have the woman fucking relax and live as normal a life as possible, Jesus. Why have the VERY LAST moment of RE8 be Mia with Rose in her arms, if right after y'all are gonna write "So uhm Chris go raise this random superpowered child as if you haven't done enough for the franchise" and have Rose grow up away from Mia LIKE COME ON. It's just bad writing and I don't even care that much about Mia.

But like... idk, maybe the interview isn't very clear on what we'll see in the story. Maybe after Ethan's death the BSAA went like "Welp we ain't getting any more use out of them" so they locked Mia up, witness protection program shut down, and Rose was left practically an orphan so Chris took her in to train her and watch her at all times and have a sniper aimed at her at all times... yay, I guess? That's not what Ethan meant when with his dying breaths he said "Watch over her", dude.

So yeah. I'm keeping my expectations low for the DLC now, and we still have to see what goes down in it, but yeah, that's a very much not good development writing-wise. I know RE deals in tragedy and shit, but like, we saw Ethan go through absolute hell to save his wife and then his daughter, sacrificed what little time he had left to see them in order to make sure Mia and Rose would reunite so that Mia could raise her... and all for that to never happen? That's not tragedy, that's just useless pain, thank you very much. If I wanted pointless pain after pointless pain, I'd be watching the news, not paying 60+ euros for a game that doesn't give a shit about setting, payoff and catharsis.

Like, I don't know the stories of other RE games, but are they actively trying to make us hate Chris? :)))) Because that's what that looks like for now.

But yeah hi! I'm doing well, besides that shit! How about you? :D

[madamneddemoiselle]

Day 3 of Quarantine/Isolation

1st fcking entry for 2022

Hi. So I wake up today with a very sore body, it felt like thousands of needles were on me. High fever, sore throat causing my voice to be hoarse and a cough. Not to mention the chills. Damn.

This day dragged on with the thought, I feel tired and I wanna vanish. Well, last night's thoughts are like that. But yep, I woke with the same thoughts. Am I relapsing?

Oh hell YES! What's the trigger?

Come, the fucking trigger was when he got mad at me for teasing him because of his all boys group chat. It was really a joke. I was kind of happy that he somehow found like the boys he can hang out with. But yep, he got mad saying we're sick and all that shit. Fuck I'm sick and my brain still can process.

The moment he got mad, I was silent. Really silent, my mind went blank and all I can say "I wanna die". Like die. We were hugging as we're apologizing, but damn I really wanna die. I can't think of anything, I just wanna die.

I slept, I woke up because of sweat and the first thing I wanna do is to take a bath and so I did.

Afternoon came and I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't burden people. But I already asked for a favor. Abi.

I kept on thinking how I can repay those "utang na loob", I don't wanna be indebted, not now that I wanna leave the group. I just wanna die in peace, okay?

I feel bad for asking favors but I don't know where to go or who to ask. We have no money left and there's a lot of days till payday.

I wanna die in peace. I don't want to leave any favors behind, like me asking for favors.

I should do something about it. That duo would be the hardest one to talk to about me leaving them.

Oh, I also wanna leave Sugarbaby by NAM. Sorry if I started it and I can't finish it. Maybe my husband would like to be the M. It's okay, we're "one"

I plan to go out everyday after this quarantine. I don't want to associate myself with my husband for now, I'll just give in. Maybe I have to strengthen my walls so I won't ask every night if I get the love I deserve cause I think he stopped trying after our wedding? I don't know cause I did not, I recently discovered that he's different when it's monday and that's okay. How about him? Is he ever trying? Does he even really know me?

Yup, you'll hear more cause I'm back again with these thoughts. Why? Cause I feel like people take me for granted and they can easily snap because of me.

[destana-min]

FACTS👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Like please, don't teach us stupid, useless shit. We really don't need it. What we really need is how to do taxes and stuff like that. If a kid, let's say a 15 year old, wants to be a nurse, then it doesn't need stuff like weird math formulas. Sure, we do need basic stuff, even in our daily lives but we really don't need weird, complex stuff. I hate going to school just because of that, because i have to learn stuff i don't even need and stuff that I'm DEFINITELY NOT interested in. Oh and u know what i also hate? When teachers give you THAT look because u failed one of their tests or because you said something wrong. I hate it. It's just causing stress and sometimes it makes students depressed. We don't need that. We need to care about our hobbies, things we're actually interested in. But here we are, in 2020,constantly thinking about our fcking grades. I hate it. Sometimes it makes you go psycho because you don't wanna fail. Our system is so shitty. Some students get sick. Some people get so stressed, they have ulcers. Tf is going on???

what pisses me off about school is that we have to learn so many useless skills that may have nothing to do with what we want in the future. an artist would never need to know organic chemistry. a mathematician would never need to know about the french revolution. a musician would never need to know how to count money

[felidfavs]

she comes home and first thing she does is go "oh buddy, look at him!" about my dog, who is still recovering from a vestibular issue, and is also heat-stupid thus basically brainless right now, and a little wobbly.

so idk i stood there for a second and didn't say anything and went to go grab my laundry from downstairs

and she got mad

so i mean. i'm already pissy. so i go "what, what did you want me to do? you told me to look at him, i did." which not my most tactful but like come on. really. i've spent all day listening to him pant and bark and get after him for licking at my other dogs ears while she suffers from chronic ear infections. i know he's wobbly and dumb. there's isn't fuck all i can do about it. i put a gate up, he knocks it over every five seconds. i close one of them in my room, he barks. he does not stop. we are both aware of this. this is how heats always go. just because he's old and sick DOESNT CHANGE ANYTHING. i can't MIRACULOUSLY get him to calm down just because he's old. and she said something fcking stupid back like "say yea mom he does look weak, or yea he's fallen 3 times today!"

so like you literally just want me to yes mum and validate you. within less than a minute of you being home. because you feel bad about a dog that YOU are keeping alive that YOU don't want to put down for quality of life reasons despite the fact that a vet probably wouldn't disagree with that at this point. like we fucking have to hand feed him to get him to eat half the time between the vestibular issue and now the heat, sure if he wasn't in heat right now he might not need that but we don't know that cause it hit right after. like. what do you want from me. and "oh thank god your home i've failed to keep cruise happy and sleeping because i'm a failure praise your presence in my life please make things right again you goddess"

like just fucking fuck off. i'm fucking trying. i didn't do shit to your dog.

[lyraisabelthoughts-blog]

私の知る限りの人生

2015 was one of the hardest years of my life. It was the year when I first felt that I should die because I can't seem to find a reason to live, the year when I developed my darkness, and the year when my mom had a very serious sickness. I was never close with my family, I felt worthless everytime I'm with them, especially when I was with my mom. She used to tell me how I'm a good-for-nothing as a daughter every single day. That if ever she had a choice, she wouldn't choose me as a daughter at all. That everytime I made a mistake, she would curse me out to death. Of course, it was very hard for me to hear. Who wouldn't? I hated her so much that time. There's even a day where I just lost everything and just tried to commit suicide.

It was a typical sunny afternoon where I'm doing some household chores while reviewing a script for our school play the next day. I can still remember the exact date that time, January 26, 2015. The day when I should've died, and probably, the day when I should've escaped from this awful sickening reality. It was just a really light reason for me to die actually. My mom was reminding me about the cooking rice, she told me that I should look up for it 'cause it might get burn. Well as expected for a worthless piece of shit, I forgot about it. When she came back, the rice was all burnt. As in, the edges of it were really black. She turned to me screaming how messed up I am and wished that I should've died. After all those harsh words, she slapped me, a lot. It was so hard my cheeks got red. Lol, a red cheeks for a black edge of rice, what a consequence. Then, she grabbed my hair so tight I thought my scalp would part away from my body. After hurting me with everything she could know of, she left the house leaving me wounded, physically and mentally. She didn't even bother to ask me why I forgot the fcking rice. After crying silently, I suddenly thought of ending the pain. That maybe if I'm gone, my mom would be happier, like how she always say, that my family would be content without me. I was just staring at our wall contemplating if I should really do it. I must say, I was really not in my mind that time, I didn't care about anything at all, I just want to die.

As I was getting the knife and putting it on my neck, wishing it can take all the agony away, I suddenly heard of something. At first I thought I was just imagining things but then I realized that it was a cry. A silent one. I turned my head trying to find where the sound came from, and from then, I saw my little sister. She was staring at me while silently crying, maybe she was there the whole time and I didn't even notice her. As I looked into her wet eyes, that's when I realized what I was trying to do. That's when I realized that if ever I'll do it in front of her, she might get traumatized. She was just 8 that time, for the fck's sake. As I realized more, I took the knife away and locked myself up inside my room. I didn't even try to explain to my sister what was going on, and I sometimes wonder if she still remembers it till now.

After that day, I've always thought of killing myself, it may delay for a while, but I tell you, it never stopped. However, everytime that I think about it, my sister's eyes always come in my mind. Those eyes that are full of curiosity and confusion, trying to know why her older sister's holding a knife against her neck. So, whenever I just feel commiting suicide again, I distract myself. Sometimes I just bang my head to the wall just to get rid of the thoughts away, sometimes I dig my finger nails through my skin when I'm too frustrated, and sometimes I just cry the hell out. I don't usually hurt myself physically, but when I do, I know it's worse.

Sometimes I feel regretful that I didn't succeed on escaping this awful life, and sometimes I feel thankful that I didn't succeed too because I'm still hoping for the end of my darkness. I guess you can't understand it well, I can't explain it to myself either.

[gukiee]

twitter*com/misfitkookie/status/838432272319672320 I'm going to kick everyone's ass >:(

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That post is SO fucking important though holy shit. Like the problem with some people in this fandom is that there seems to be a habit of taking a lot of jokes too far. Like the whole coconut head thing is really…. getting so annoying now. Like people don’t realize that even little jokes can affect other people’s confidence and like? Guk has shown that he cares what other people think of him. For example the whole “no lips” thing (which wtf do you have EYES) really fcking upsets me because he’s stated it’s one of his favourite features of  himself and for people to turn a feature of someone’s body into a joke like? Terrible. He’s stopped wearing his favourite pants because fans said they didn’t like them, so could you imagine how he would feel about a part of his body he can’t change?

My ex and his brother used to make fun of my nose saying it was big and would make (what in their minds) were light hearted jokes. I’ve never had a problem with my nose until those jokes. Now it’s all I notice and I feel like everyone else thinks it’s gross and huge too and it made me feel bad to the point of debating plastic surgery EVEN THO they were just making “light hearted jokes”. No matter what jungkook does it’s never enough for some fcking people and honestly I’m getting sick of the uglies. It’s like the whole no jams joke like it’s enough now. 

Some of you need to stop dragging things out forever holy shit. He was working really hard as a student and an idol and people make jokes about him graduating late. He performs BEAUTIFULLY at the gayos with the 97 line and all people spoke about was his skin. He opens up about being shy and not having a lot of friends and you guys make it into some long drawn out joke that he’s a loner. He works SUPER HARD on the choreo for Begin and people make a joke out of it. He performs Rainism (rip my soul) and absolutely KILLLLEDDDDD it and all some of you did was tear him down and make him feel shitty saying stuff like “bts aka jungkook and his back up dancers” when he obviously worked super hard? People attack him for his screen time and line distribution when he’s not even in control of that stuff like I’m sorry but you can fight for the rights of other member’s without tearing down the accomplishments of others holy fucking shit.  Like honestly I’m done with some of you constantly tearing him down. 

Another thing that bothers me is the constant pressure on him to be perfect?? Then like when he makes a mistake people are like “wtf ur supposed to be the golden maknae” like LISTEN he needs to breathe and be a human being he’s not a machine and isn’t perfect. He works DAMN hard for everything he does so how dare some of you not even acknowledge that. I made a post here in more detail about this issue too. 

I’m really so done with this fandom dragging out these stupid jokes. Like you don’t think saying things like “coconut head” are going to make him feel self conscious??? Like how everyone was making fun of Jin’s hair and then he said he was really self conscious of it and everyone was like “yo woahh okay that wasn’t cool of us” and we all sent him really nice messages like just because someone doesn’t outwardly say something is hurting them doesn’t mean it isn’t so anyways moral of the story is this fandom really needs to stop with the long drawn out jokes and picking apart the member’s bodies and shit I’m over it

SO anyways I love my beautiful talented hardworking amazing guy so much and he deserves the absolute world and I will defend him until my face turns blue because he doesn’t deserve any of the bullshit some people put him through.