#which never fcking helps because she makes anything a reason to worry

[marculees]

Does anyone get so excited over things that they begin to feel the opposite and suddenly sick with anxiety for them because of other people stressing you out, or is that just me? ^^’

[donutloverxo]

Soooo there are many fics where reader makes steve jealous and it ends in rogh possesive fcking.. but what if steve tries to make reader jealous and it totally backfires and she becomes extremely insecure?? But please with a fluffy ending because my poor heart can’t handle anything less 🥺🥺

Hey. Thanks for the request and I hope this fits. *gif is not mine* Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Please note that my stories are not to be stolen or reposted on any other site. Reblogs and welcome and much appreciated. This blog and this story is 18+. Do not read, follow or interact if you are not 18+. Please🙏🙏

"Um... yes?" You asked as you brought down the hand which was holding out a twenty dollar bill - since you thought it was the pizza you've been waiting for, for like the past half an hour, and not a blond, six feet and some inches,tall super soldier.

"Hi... doll," he smiled.

"My name's Y/N," you corrected him as you frowned, so fed up of men undermining you by calling you such 'sweet' nicknames. You knew Captain Rogers wasn't like that, but still you couldn't have him getting any ideas.

"Right," he cleared his throat as he repeated your name. "Sorry," he said with a toothy grin, which almost made your heart melt.

"How did you get my address, Captain?"

"Tony gave it to me. I would've asked you at work... but I wanted to do this the right way."

"Do what?" you quirked a brow.

"Um, I maybe people aren't as formal nowadays," he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, "But I can't really change who I am... not so late in life anyway," he cringed as he realised he was pretty rambling then, taking a deep breath he gathered enough courage, "I wanted to ask you to come with me, as my date, to the valentines party this Sunday."

You hummed at that, considering it because damn if Rogers wasn't convincing. Even when he wasn't as authoritative and dominating as he is when he puts on the suit.

It would be nice to be courted and treated nicely, and to not have to put up with the shit most men try to pull with you, you were sure Rogers would show you the time of your life. Besides, only an idiot would say no to him.

"No." You said with a finality that left no room for debate. "Is that all?"

"Uh... I... yes..." he stammered, not exactly prepared to be turned down so bluntly. "Can I ask why?"

"I don't shit where I eat."

"What?" his eyebrows cutely scrunching up.

You just knew you must've touched a nerve with your crass language. Tony, your boss, had told you about Cap and his 'language' incident.

"I don't date people at work... it can get complicated," you explained as he nodded.

It wasn't a complete lie. You didn't want to be known as the 'easy' girl or have others gossip about you. But that would be a sacrifice you'd willing make for someone like Steve. Who'd dare make fun of the Captains girl anyway?

You had been smitten with him from the moment you saw him, learning about his bravery and sacrifice as a kid you looked upto him and respected him, but when you met him in real life... you were a complete goner. Your stomach did somersaults every time he touched you, or hell even looked your way.

You tried your best to flirt, which was basically you stuttering and trying to make small talk whenever you had a chance to talk to him. Since he was born almost a century ago he would probably be offended if you were the one to make the first move.

You continued your back and forth for weeks before he told you about her. That he'll be visiting her over the weekend. You simply nodded, having a vague idea of who Peggy Carter was but not of what she went to Steve.

After some research you found out that she was an old flame of his, someone he couldn't marry and build a life with because he was frozen for decades. Upon seeing her many qualifications, and just how freaking brilliant she was, you knew one thing.

You may not be as smart as her, but you knew that you could never measure upto a woman that incredible. Someone Steve still visits after all these years. You were already afraid that he was out of your league but now you were sure of it.

"Did I do something wrong?" he wanted to know.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he shoved his hands in his pockets, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout, "It's just that you used to talk to me all the time... and now it seems as if you're ignoring me. Is it because of something I did? Whatever it is I never meant to hurt you," he swore.

You sighed. "It's nothing you did, really. I just realized how incompatible we are. I hope you find the one you're looking for, someone who'll make you happy and give you the world. It just won't be me."

You didn't let him say anything closing your door instantly as you kept your tears at bay.

At the valentines party

"Cap," Tony said, slapping a hand on Steve's shoulder, "I thought you'd have her on your arm tonight. What happened?"

Referring to his assistant. He wanted to play cupid this once, since it was the season of love, he wanted to see his idiot friends happy. He was sure you both would be disgustingly smooching and all cute at the party. But not only had you both shown up separately, you seemed to be actively ignoring Steve.

"She uh... rejected me," he said, looking down into his glass of whiskey. It didn't do much for him but it helped him blend in.

"Ouch," Tony winced, "I was sure she would go for you. But I guess I have been wrong before," he shrugged.

"Really?"

"Yeah. She goes all heart eyes whenever you're around. But I guess that's nothing unique since that's just how most women act around you," he scoffed. "You should read all the love letters you got today. I was going through them, you have quite a passionate fanbase of people who want to... what was it..." he pretended to think hard about it. "Yes, 'ride your bicep', I don't understand the physics of how on earth that would work, but I am intrigued."

"Tony," Steve rolled his eyes as he always does when he's around the billionaire. "I don't really care about all of them... they don't know me. I only care about her and I don't know why she said no, but there's nothing I can do about it."

"Whoa, you're accepting defeat so soon? Where's that I-can-do-this-all-day attitude?"

"This isn't a war, Tony. If she doesn't see me that way... then there isn't much I could do."

"Maybe she's just playing hard to get. There's absolutely no way to really know what goes on in womens heads, Rogers. They're so smart and sneaky... it's kinda scary actually."

"I don't think she'd play games..."

Tony had gotten distracted pretty quickly and left Steve alone to pout and only appreciate your beauty from afar. You had worn a pink dress with red hearts on it, and for some reason, you got more beautiful every time he looked at you.

"Hello."

He jerked when he heard the foreign voice, looking at the blonde woman next to him, with her hand out, he shook it just to be polite.

"I'm Crystal," she smiled, flashing her sparkly white teeth.

"I'm Steve."

"Of course I know who you are!" she laughed, "You're Captain America, everyone knows you," she playfully hot his bicep before squeezing it, "Oh my... you must work out a lot."

"Uh... yeah..." he nodded. He could never get used to how people perceived him so differently.

"There is something I need to know really bad," Crystal blinked as she looked up at him, "Do you wear underwear in those suits? They seem really tight, wouldn't it be uncomfortable?"

"Oh, um... we just sort of..."

You had never looked at yourself as a jealous person. Maybe things were different when it came to Steve... he was a pretty special guy.

When you looked at him, talking to some girl, dancing with her, laughing and having fun with her, it was as if you were on fire from simmering rage, at the same time you could feel your heart breaking in a million pieces.

You knew it was wrong. You had no claim to him, he can do whatever he wants. If you said no to him then it makes perfect sense that he seeked out someone else.

You just had to get away for some fresh air, so you wouldn't abandon all class and pull the girls hair and drag her away from your Steve.

You yelped when you heard him call out your name.

Looking over your shoulder you saw him staring at you, his brows scrunched up, he looked so worried. But why?

"What're you doing here? You'll catch a cold, doll," he takes off his blazer, putting it over your shoulders and then groaning when he realised his slip up.

"Right, sorry, old habits die hard. I won't call you that again, I promise," he said, crossing his finger over his heart.

"No... I think it's kinda sweet. No ones ever had such an endearing petname for me. I do like it."

"Oh," he frowned, "it's just that you said you didn't."

Tony, of all the people in the whole universe, was right. There was no understanding women.

"I guess I lied..."

"Why?"

"Um..." You were at a loss of words and nervous. Steve wouldn't tolerate lies, and you didn't want him to hate you. "It was easier to do that then tell you the truth."

"What's the truth?"

"I do like you... a lot. But I don't want to live in someone else's shadow. And I just think the whole thing would end in a disaster..."

"What're you talking about, Y/N?"

"Peggy. Your first and only love. I can't measure upto her, not in my wildest dreams, there's no use trying."

"Why would you have to measure upto Peggy?"

You opened your mouth to answer, but couldn't really come up with an answer. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I did have feelings for her, but that was a long time ago. I'm happy she lived her life, it just wasn't meant to be."

"So, you're not still in love with her?"

"No," he shook his head, "I wouldn't have asked you out if I was."

"Well, what about Crystal? You were practically glued to her the entire evening!" you huffed as you stomped your foot. Mad at your own stupidity. You could've simply told him the truth and asked for a straight answer. "I have to warn you, she had was pretty crazy in the last season."

"Last season?"

"Mm-hm, the last season of her reality show, I've seen all eight seasons. Maybe they just amp up the drama, maybe she isn't actually crazy, I wouldn't know," you shrugged.

"Doll," he smirked, circling a hand around your waist and pulling you into him, "are you jealous?"

"I am not!" you gasped, looking away from his eyes as you felt your cheeks heat up.

"I don't want anyone but you. Why would I? You're goddamn perfect. And... I want you to be my girl."

"I guess I don't really have a reason to say no now..." you murmured, your face still flustered as you played with the buttons on his shirt before he tilted your chin up to make you look at him, placing his lips over yours in the most tender of kisses.

"Got the job done, Tones... I'm pretty sure I saw him go after her, I have to say though, you look at Captain America, and you really don't expect him to be that awkward..." Crystal said as she sipped on her gin and tonic. "You owe me."

Tony only hummed, not too happy about being indebted to someone, but you both needed a necessary push in the right direction.

[whirlybirdwhat]

Accidental Family Man Au

remember that one ask where I talked about some projects? This is one of them. Enjoy dad franky!

So it begins with Franky – a back alley repair in the illustrious mechanic city of Water 7 – a miracle engineering city, they call it, with intertwining roads of cars and rivers. Venice, if Venice was made of concrete and had a road system above its water system, twisting above houses and everything.

Franky used to be one of those engineers that created those miracles, but an accident later, and he’s the scourge of the city and half bionic, making his living in back alley repair shops where you either pay with cash or your life.

He never said he was a good guy, did he Ice Burg?

 He still has connections though – and these connections lead to Iceburg, and to the Straw Hats.

 Iceburg’s the mayor, of course, and while he doesn’t care much for his public image, he knows that if he starts accepting money from shady kids who showed up to his doorstep possibly covered in blood with a woman who he swears he’s seen before beside him, that maybe Water 7’s people will take a hit for harboring criminals.

But hey, He knows a guy already doesn’t he?

So he sends these kids and their broken van down to the Franky House to see if he would fix their beloved, broken, van.

The Straw Hats never reach it, because the woman (Robin) gets kidnapped and a fight breaks out, leading to the separation of the group,

So the story really begins with Franky and the little broken down RV called The Going Merry, previously belonging to the kid who’s standing in front of him, begging him to fix it.

More Hcs Below cut including actual dad Franky stuff lol

That kid is Usopp, and he’s asking because Franky’s the only repair man in the illustrious city of Water 7 that will possibly accept the cash that Usopp has to offer.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he attempts to kick the kid out and gets kidnapped in return.

Oops

 So, Franky’s introduced to Ennies Lobby one of the worst places this side of the country – where people go and never come back, and hey, whats this kid doing kicking down the door?

Safe to say, Franky is rescued, and learns a little more of their story.

And Safe to say, Franky sees the woman they are going to save (him, and a bunch of teenagers and some 12 year old brat) and he near damn falls in love with her on sight and definitely does when he actually talks to her.

They save Robin, and start running – of course, Merry the van is just barely struggling to save all their added weight but they make it but also merry’s totaled.

So Franky shows them his pet project, The Thousand Sunny, supposed to be his super get away, home a way from home rv but with a few modifcations… the Straw Hat Gang has a new home. And a new crew member.

Franky learns everyone’s stories and about all the absolutely shady shit they are into. He learns he fits right in.

 And then… then the moments start happening.

He helps Usopp fix up the Sunny, and teachers him about cars and such. 

He and Chopper start bonding over bionics and medical shit that went into building his body. 

Zoro and him geek out over comic heroes (this, at least in zoro’s part, is canon the big nerd.) 

He helps Nami out with some headings and listens to her troubles. 

Sanji and him go fishing one day and it’s the most surreal experience of Franky’s life because this teen is in a three-piece suit and catching giant fish out on the shore of some lake? What? 

Franky gives Luffy advice and pulls him out of fights and shows him cool robot things.

 And its two months in when Franky realizes – here is it actually typed out lmao

“In all honesty, Franky doesn’t know how it happens.

Well.

He has a vague idea.

(Can you save her? Please? Merry’s the best.)

But still – tracing the events that led up to him frantically calling Ice-for-brains at one am in the morning at a near abandoned gas station on the west coast was a hard task.

“Hello?”

Finally.

“Ice-for-brains,” He starts using the familiar name.

“Flunky? The hell? What are you calling me now?”

“Iceberg.” The use of his real name quiets him. He knows this is serious. Franky takes a deep breath, and exhales, saying the next words in a single breath. “I accidently became a dad to six crazy teenagers. Help.”

…

“Goddamnit bastard-berg this is no time to laugh!””

AND THEN HE GOES ON TO HAVE MORE DAD ADVENTURES INCLUDING:

Organizing the kids at Sabaody Park

being emotional support for all these kids trauma please world, give them a break

doing his best to say no to allowing luffy to swim with sharks but giving in anyway

being a component (aka fierce menacing bodyguard) in his daughter’s nami’s schemes

breaking up fights

 Attempting to ground known criminals who may or may not be stronger than him

Modifying the RV so that they can have Brook and Jimbe on it as well

“MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!”

Overthrowing the government in at least three different countries because his kids wanted to

Doing experiments with illegal fireworks on Usopp’s behest

“Do you want to play catch” “Franky that’s dynamite that we found in the stach what the fuck- “Do you want to play catch” “…Yes.”

Explaining Safe Sex to teenagers who have biggers worries such as the government

Teaching them all how to drive. He thinks hius heart has popped out of his chest.

Snoring loudly on their tiny couch and everyone just dogpiling on him

Also I had this in my notes

So that’s a thing that’s going to happen!

Uh anyway uh PART TWO – THE OTHER FCKING STRAWHATS

Note: Everyone is aged down three years from pre TS ages  to enforce the fact that 1) the government is fucking nuts for assigning bounties to these kids in this au 2) give more dad moments as while we all need a dad in our lives at any age it gives me more plausible reason here 3) plot related issues and the fact that this story takes place over several years and 4) the image of a 14 year old taking down the government is hilarious to me.

So.

Moving on.

Luffy – 14 years old and an absolute bastard

Luffy grew up in the port city of Fuusha as a way for Garp to keep an eye on him because of his family connections and make sure nothing bad happened to him -  didn’t quite work out.

dads a terrorist, his brothers a world class criminal, his gramps is an abusive piece of shit but also weirdly protective marine officer, his family’s complicated. 

 he grew up in the seedy underbelly of the city and made friends with a lot of criminals (who helped him get out because hey that five year old who used to steal our food is a brat and maybe we should help him get out before he becomes to chaotic (too late) and becomes our friend (also too late) )

Among these criminals are Shanks, who wanders through once in a while, Buggy, begrudging friend,  Jimbe, because he has connections, Crocodile, because this brats a bastard, and Rayleigh, among others.

Annoys them to make him his friend, continues annoying them afterwards.

 He just thinks they’re neat.

Luffy leaves two months after Ace, his brother under Dadan’s, the local gang leaders, roof, leaves because Ace can’t tell him to stay behind anymore

but the govt got word now he’s on the run – Coby helps him escape

As such, Luffy grows up with a very very skewed moral compass as in canon but a bit more, and now literally is almost ten times more feral as he should be.

  His goal is now to do whatever he wants, without people telling him what to do or that he can’t do that – He’s going to be free, damnit.

Franky understands and learns over time to adjust his Parenting Skills accordingly

Zoro – 16 and illegally owning a motorcycle because he thought the best way to improve his skill was to go out and hunt down people to fight, and of course he needs a motorcycle to do that, doesn’t he?

 He was pulled over for speeding then taken in for being underage

 He is also caught up in some bad stuff (fight circles, bounty’s, etc. this kids 16 and breaking grown men’s spines.)

Then comes Luffy who was also arrested for dine and dashing and is in the back seat.

 Luffy, who after the police car pulls over, punches out the police officer, unlocks Zoros cuffs and tells him “Drive”

 So they drive

“Hey, hey Zoro. Join my crew. It’ll be fun.”

 “Anything you say captain”

 knows Luffy for three seconds and is immediately down to murder with him

 Its great

He wants to become the greatest sword fighter still, which is still a thing in my fantasy modern world, so anyway, picture this 16 year old going up to you and tell you to fight but he has a sword in his mouth and in both hands and the most dangerous look in his eye.

 He and Luffy immediately rob a sword shop to find him new swords after they meet, it becomes a thing later on where they will steal (horribly, they literally crash in through the window every time because they have no subtly) something small from each city they visit. 

Nami - 15 year old pick pocket in the city where luffy and zoro stop, just trying to scrap up some money to pay off her family’s debt.

 Bellmere’s still alive damnit.

Nami thought Zoro and Luffy were police originally (because they are driving around in stolen police car) and tried to pull the ‘oh officer help me’ card when the people she stole from chased after her

 To her surprise, it was two kids her age in the front seat.

Luffy: “get in”

 she gets in

they dont talk about it

The people who were chasing her was Buggy’s gang who Luffy waves at as he goes by

 Buggy sends a message to Shanks which is essentially “hey that brat u liked is still alive”

And Shanks is like “oh thank god” not knowing the terror he has unleashed upon the world

A month later Arlong has mysteriously disappeared and the Bell-mere farm is flourishing while the second daughter becomes a world class criminal.

 Bell’meres never been prouder and it gives Nojiko a great conversation starter.

Usopp’s 14 and lives in a trailer park called syrup alone

Has a business where he sells odd herbs and such, passing them off as anything that will get him some money – think of it as Toad Oil from Wano but with some popgreens and such mixed in.

His goal is get enough money to stand on his own and leave the park but its slow going. And then…

 Luffy punches the heck outta the creep that was creeping on the owner of the park, kaya, and think’s Usopp’s stories are super cool.

Usopp wants to go with them, to explore the world With Luffy.

At this point, the Straw Hats have realized that driving a stolen police car around is a bad idea

so they take the huge van - a gift from Kaya named The Going Merry, and set off, using Nami’s stolen funds to get them by.

Sanji - 16 year old who longs to be a chef with the best food and just wants to feed people who need it

He hates government cause they don’t feed people and has a lot of petty grudges and helps Zeff run a lot of kitchens to help people.

 He’s still the Sous chef of the Baratie and still has a penchant for kicking unruly customers around. Baratie has a less then stellar reputation for service but the food? The best in the land.

 He feeds Luffy the food.

  Luffy likes the food.

Luffy kidnaps Sanji

Zeff worries about it but he can’t do jack since he actually is not Sanjis legal guardian (he kidnapped the kid first on accident after they both were stranded. He still tries to call anyway, and is proud of the change his son is making in the world. He’s currently working to get suspicious government people off his back about his missing Sous chef with the unique curly eyebrow…

Anyway, Sanji becomes the cook for the strawhats and is really happy because everyone likes his food and he can help anyone along the way and send business to the baratie

Its a good deal for him, and with all the places he visits his skill grows as a chef.

Chopper - 12 year old prodigy who really wants to be a doctor but both his legal guardians are out of the way

Hiruluks dead and Kureha, against her will because she’s still beautiful at 100 dammnit, is in a nursing home trying to break out

 Chopper has nowhere to go but still tries to pursue his medical career, and this fucking twelve year old does so by patching up people from bar and gang fights.

The Straw Hats pick him up and Usopp hacks into a govt control thing to sign him up for online medical course

Kureha’s proud and gives him a book of pressed cherry blossoms that was Hiruluk’s

  He cries

Chopper gets lots of practice for medical stuff with Luffy and Zoro who like to fight in fighting rings just for the heck of it, and for the money that Nami wants.

Robin – 25 year old depressed archeologist (and assassin) they found in a mafia in the next country over (Vivi’s)

Crocodile’s running it, aka Luffy’s criminal uncle number 500

 Luffy’s pissed about it and smacks him into the dust because it’s his friends country, and then drags Robin along because she needs to have some adventure, and hey, they are checking out the ruin’s next, wont that be cool?

 So robin comes along as the ‘adult super vision’, at least in Nami and Usopp and Chopper’s mind.

She learns that these kids have some how been able to dodge school, and starts teaching them the basics of what they would need to know, and then any thing else they want to know. (Zoro, she finds, is extremely good at math while Sanji enjoys chemistry. Nami and Usopp catch on quick, while Chopper has his own studies already but enjoys talking to her. Luffy dislikes learning, but if the promise of pirates or foods or letters that wont spin in his head is involved, he’ll gladly sit down for a bit. He especially loves the stories however.)

Robin finds herself inching dangerously into mom territory, and accepts it whole heartedly after meeting Franky, who she finds handsomely hilarious.

She has a shady past but is slowly opening up about it, and knows she will watch the world burn for this crew.

Y’all know about Franky already so im gonna move on.

Brook – super fucking Old musician they found on the street looking for his dog Laboon

 He used to be a star but lost his fame but doesn’t care – he  only wants to make people happy with his music.

Luffy just straight up just drags him into the sunny, its becoming a habit of him kidnapping people, that’s not how you make friends Luffy (or at least it shouldn’t be – he always seems to make it work.)

 Everyone just goes with it at this point while Franky sighs and triie sto figure out how to make a giant RV even bigger

The Crew find out his dog is living in luffy’s home town and used to play with Luffy when his friends weren’t around. They vow to go back once everything dies down, but in the mean time Dadan gets a new guard dog in her house hold

Usopp posts one (1) video of Brook (on Halloween in skeleton make up) and he instantly becomes a revived star, thriving on the mytery of the Skeleton Soul King.

He now posts videos from around the world of him singing but its impossible to predict where he will be next, and he’s invisible with out his make up to the internet, so its good for the whole criminal thing.

Jimbe

(best) Criminal uncle 501

 No one knows exactly how he knows luffy beyond luffy himself but they are 90% sure its something to do with the underground warlord system that Luffy has connections too

 He gives the best hugs, Uncle Iroh but without the well-meaning manipulation.

 He’s tired of responsibility that he has in his underground position and kinda wants to fuck off to the Caribbean but then he meets luffy again and is like this is better

He Leaves the fishman gang behind with subordinate in charge and joins strawhats

He becomes stressed - “Why did you choose an archeologist and a man who wears speedos for adult supervision, how are you alive, do you need a hug, do you know basic math, have you even gone to school, oh thank god Robin is here - ”

Two minutes later

“Do you have code names, can I have one,”

 He’s a big faker the dummy everyone can see right through you, you’re aren’t on this crew if you have common sense

Between dad moments, essentially its just the Straw hats breaking in and causing havoc where ever they go, building their bounties and being a found family.

That’s it for now, but please ask questions! Sorry this was so long lmao, ill also add something for Vivi later!

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything

[roseamongroses]

Antithesis (6): “...”

Summary: For their Junior project, Roman is unceremoniously paired with Dmitri.

He’s hardly interacted with the guy, a strange occurrence since Virgil has had a weird/unexplained hate-hate relationship with him since middle-school. But it isn’t like he’s complaining. Dmitri’s cute, he compliments Roman, and damn can he paint.So Roman may or may not catch feelings, and he may not be wiling to uncatch them anytime soon.–Dmitri returns the sentiment.

[General Warnings:] Misgendering, Past Misgendering, Past Bullying, Mild Sexual Content,  implied emotional abuse, Cursing [Tags/mood:] highschool au, project troupe, fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters] Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana)

(1)(2)(3) (4) (5) (6) (7)

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou: Dm you up for this weekend

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou: Bro diane’s gunna be mad if you don’t

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou: wow you really playing with fire

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou: You still mad about that?

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou:Fuck dude it's literally not that big of a deal??cmon it's not fun unless youre there to piss off

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou: and dont just say it's cause youre stufying/ doing work cause thats bs, your just fcking around with that dude

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou: it's been a straight up semester cmon

WhyHaventIFuckinBlockedYou: dmitri?

---

Dmitri scanned the bustle of the afterschool crowd, the dismissal bell still ringing in his ears. With the grace one would expect from a gangly teen, he caught up to the flash of red as easy as one with expect. Only a couple people scowled.

“Roman,” He said breathless, slowing to match their pace, “You free for valentines?”

Roman shifted the bag on his shoulder, “It’s still January, Dee,” He said, bemused, but eyes tired.

“Uh, well,” He glanced away, “Are you free though?”

“Well perhaps if I ask my secretary to reschedule th-” He blinked hard, nearly stumbling into a kid lugging a trombone case, “Fuck, I forgot,”

Dmitri’s eyebrow’s drew together with a frown, “Forgot what?”

“I,” He winched, “I fuckin forgot, every year we take my Mom out to dinner for valentine’s day, “ he said, voice adopting a somber tone, “It’s her wedding anniversary and god-- I’m a dumbass how did I forget-- sorry.”

“Roman, you’re not a dumbass,” Dmitri said, “A dumbass sure, but not a dumbass,”

“That actually makes no sense, I applaud you,” Roman rolled his eyes, mouth still pinched. They stopped to sit on the short brick wall lining the sidewalks to the parking lot, so Roman can wait for his ride.

Roman took the chance to groan into his hands.

Glancing around to see no administrators around that would care about a little PDA, Dmitri draped his around around Roman’s shoulders, pulling him into his chest with little protest.

“Hey are you…?”

Roman voice was muffled, him refusing to look up.

“Roman you aren’t stupid,” Dmitri said, softer, “Roman,” he pushed back Roman’s hair, searching their face. Roman blinked fast, eyebags blending effortlessly into his makeup.

“I fuckin forgot Dee, how is that not stupid.” Roman said, sour, “First I mixed up the deadlines, and just had to slack off, and now I’m behind. To top it all off, I’m a shit son. ”

“You’re doing your best and your grades can afford a hit, ”

“I could do better though,” Roman stressed, looking increasingly desperate, “And I shouldn’t deal with hits, I never see Logan deal with-” He shut his mouth, eyes bright and wide, “Forget that, It’s nothing.”

Dmitri studied him, “You don’t think it's fair.”

“That’s, that’s--” Roman sputtered, “That’s not what I said Dee, it's fair, he’s earned it.”

“He has earned it,” Dmitri agreed, “That doesn’t mean you don’t want it too.”

Roman squinted at that, “Y’know, maybe you getting into philosophy wasn’t such a good idea,” He mumbled, “I expect kisses, not accurate call out posts.”

“So, I’m right?” Dmitri laughed, pinching Roman’s cheek, much to their distress, “You know, you both are in mostly the same classes, it wouldn’t be strange to ask him to help you out and vice versa?” he idly suggested, “Y’all both are ride and die, so it’d be mutually beneficial.”

Roman patted his face with a pout, “No,” he sniffed.

“Why not, you’re friends, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but he’s closer with Virgil then he is with me, “ Roman shrugged, “Otherwise I think we’d eat each other alive before sophomore year,” he then added, a bit quieter, “So I doubt he’d want to put up with me anymore then he has to.”

“I don’t think that’d be the case,” Dmitri said, “Teaching’s a form of studying, so It’s not like he’d be wasting time.” Someone shouted Roman’s name, and he looked up, finding Remy gesturing to the car that he assumed Virgil was already in. Roman shouldered his bag, “Maybe...I’ll talk to him,” He said, kissing Dmitri’s cheek and hopping to his feet.

“Oh and try to get some fucking rest,” Dmitri called out, grabbing his own keys.

“Sure, sure, sure, ” Roman called back with a wave.

---

Theactualdragonthatistillhaventblocked: bitchhhhhhhh

Theactualdragonthatistillhaventblocked: wtf dmitri? Can you take that stick up your ass out for one second??it wasnt even about you??

Theactualdragonthatistillhaventblocked: everybody's so sensitive nowadays fuckin hell??dude you missed my birthday. It shouldn't be that deep we've been friends for years??

---

Dmitri carefully gathered his freshly snipped roses into the vase, a small smile on his face. Roman had painted the vase earlier that week, the swirling blues and yellows of A Starry Night effortlessly covering up the vase’s cracked and abused exterior. All that was needed was the flowers, which Dmitri graciously volunteered.

He stood, tucking a smaller flower in his front pocket before brushing the dirt from his jeans As soon as he opened the screen door, he froze.

“Dmitri, get in here, we have company!” His aunt called from the other room. Sighing he readjusted the vase in his arms, thoughtlessly following her voice to the living room with a tight lipped smile.

His smile became painted as he realized who the company was, “Diana,” he greeted, her blue eyes narrowing on him pleasantly from behind her tea-cup.

“You didn’t tell me that red-head was Diana?” His aunt faux whispered, her hair piled limply on top of her head, lips a cherry red, and nails done, and she looked genuinely pleased to see him despite being covered in dirt and probably making tracks on her carpet. She must’ve made up with her boyfriend.

Diana batted her eyes pleasantly, “Oh he didn’t tell you?” She said, and his blood ran cold, “ We have a date today, but I guess he was embarrassed,” she leaned in close to hisaunt, “Afterall I had to make the plans, he is rather shy.” His aunt frowned at that, “Poor boy doesn’t have a proper father -figure,” she shook her head, “He was a… crier… when he was younger.” she finished, distaste clear.

It took more effort then he should’ve have to not retort with ‘he doesn’t have a proper mother figure,’ either, but he likes his evenings scream free.

Diana took that time to finish her tea cup, “But don’t worry ma’am, we’ll have a good time,” She stood, slinking to his side, too close for comfort, her arms linking with his.

“Hopefully not too good of a time,” His aunt winked, as Diana none too gently dragged him out the door. As soon as the door slammed behind him, Dmitri yanked his arm from her hold, readjusting his grip on the vase.

“What the fuck, Dmitri?” She spat, face inches from his, “You missed, my birthday, my birthday.”

“What do you want?” he said.

“I want a fuckin’ explaination,” She scowled, looking him up and down, “We want our friend back, not acting pissy and giving us the silent treatment of all things.”

“We?” Dmitri raised his eyebrow, “Nate isn’t even here.”

“Don’t be a smartass, he’s at work, I think. It's Nate, so who knows,” She flipped her hair, “Plus his heart’s too weak for direct action.”

“You mean invading my house?” Dmitri said, irritation rising, “Or perhaps your direct action was quite literally bullying Emile out of our school? You know, Emile who gave you his shoes because you stepped in dog shit, the Emile who baked us cookies for our birthdays? Ring a bell?”

“Your little girlfriend could never take a joke,” She scowled, before insisting, “It was just a joke!”

“It was not a joke,” Dmitri hissed, “You guys tried to fuck over him over for whatever god-awful reason and just laughed at the results.”

“Sure, fine, we’re bullies,” She shrugged, face pinched, “But you were there too, so pull that stick out your ass. You laughed when we laughed, hell, you don’t even defend yourself.”

“I-”

“‘I’ what? Sure you came out , introduced your little ‘boyfriend,” she bared her teeth, “But you still let that woman walk all over you, still smiled to our faces, then went to bitch about it elsewhere like we didn’t exist. You always fuckin cared more about little Emile, right? Right?” Diana’s voice was strangled, blinking rapidly, “Don't even bother to tell me to fuck off, just don’t. I get the message,”

She turned around, stiff, “You’re a two-faced bitch, Dmitri. ”

Dmitri didn’t say anything to that.

He never does.

!!!taglist!!!

@daflangstlairde

@ace-anx

[melekseev]

so i FINALLY bring you my esc19 toplist, all under the cut, with short comments.

also be aware i literally... enjoy my top 31. so twenty something places might sound bad.. BUT THEYRE REALLY NOT, I JUST LOVE A LOT. i went into this year thinking it was weak, and then after i had this playlist on so much, hello, i love a ton. nevertheless, just my taste and opinions and good luck to all of them~

1. France ABSOLUTE KIN G stuck in first place because this is undoubtedly my most listened song this year, and i'm absolutely hooked on it. i am somewhat worried about that coming revamp, but. but i fcking love this song, and he improved those vocals like d amn 2. Russia i.... am in love. every time i hear this song it gets me into that sort of dramatic ecstasy and it's so big and beautiful that it just... it kills me. i die. thats it 3. Italy soldi is still my jam, and i adore it to bits 4. Slovenia this masterpiece is one i just want to protect. so soothing, i LOVE listening to it, it's just ethereal 5. Netherlands this song, at one point, was almost at every possible spot on my list from middle to top 15, but then it stuck with me and now it's utter love 6. Hungary i adore his voice, no bias. his whole vibe, his unique delivery and technique, that folky sound, like... yes please 7. Switzerland i am not ashamed to say i am utter trash for this song. every single part i love about this. like holy shit, this time switzerland better make it thEY EARNED IT 8. Australia she is QUEEN, i considered dropping it from my top 10 when trying to readjust ONE TIME and upon relistening i instantly was like "okay no way it's going anywhere", i just unironically love it a LOT 9. Norway actual legends... this song just cheers me up to SUCH an extent! love the joiking... i love eveything, bless you norway 10. Belgium at first, i had issues with it, because i wanted a bigger drop near the end, but now i'm just absolutely... in love... it convinced me. the instrumental, the building up, the dark undertone, just. i adore this 11. Poland oH I LOVE THEM SO MU CH. li s t en. i can't explain it, but they give me like a lowkey vibe of soft punk-rock theme but also like...?? japanese pop?? but no, it's polish and slavic and traditional and i'm really really vibing with it, because some of it is familiar from my own culture, and these girls S LAY 12. Albania albania always delivering those vocals.. i love the mystical vibe with the ethnic sound, it's simply gorgeous 13. San Marino can you believe i unironically HONESTLY thoroughly enjoy this song?? serhat is an icon, but his voice actually really fits with this song and i always get super into it. i'm so happy this exists lmao 14. Azerbaijan i'm very very much into this song, and i'm EXTREMELY curious to see how he pulls this off live as it seems to be such a radio song, but i have hopes. i just dig it, like... like a LOT 15. Czech Republic this is the most chill song this year, and despite the silly, easygoing lyrics it's just... extremely fun, and it's been my jam since it came out 16. Croatia listen. l i sten. i love... theatrical. i love big strong voice explosions. this CHILD is talented as fuck. i know many people hate this, but the song actually grew on me, and then today i just honestly love it. i wish the whole song was in croatian, but even with the not so great lyrics, i'm eating it up and singing along. i know he won't make it, but oh well. it's okay Roko, i love your voice and song 17. Armenia i really love this one, too. she convinced me further in amsterdam bc she absolutely killed it (although i feel like she had a nervous slip in the very beginning) but then after that.. holyshit. such a tiny girl with such a huge voice 18. Spain honestly, if you tell me earlier it would end up this high at one point i wouldn't believe you.. i never /hated/ it per se, but i also wasn't really impressed or as into it as most people were. i think the revamp was the one that convinced me in the end, because it forced me to face the fact that i do honestly enjoy this more than i want to. also now im nostalgic towards anything spanish, even if its different, bye 19. Finland yes, this might be nothing special, but i just... enjoy it. i genuinely do, and there are certain parts i especially love, and so therefore. like. yes. 20. Estonia as much as i didn't want to like this originally, i do. like, i really do. it just happened, and i'm not mad about it 21. Romania this song is a big grower for me, and to this day the more i hear it the more i get into it still 22. UK Michael's live delivery elevates this otherwise not so amazing song like... so much. i feel like the UK does tend to send songs with this particular theme, but i actually enjoy it quite a lot when he's doing it live. his voice is impressive, and so... here he. 23. Sweden these two ^ i always moved around together for some reason, as if they were linked, which might be because John wrote both songs, although i learned that later(??? but in the end, i feel like i prefer UK a bit more. this is also really good though, it works, and it has a great vibe for esc 24. Portugal so this one slipped quite far off, as with time i sort of lost the enthusiasm for it. i still find it unique and enjoy it nevertheless though, so it could definitely be worse 25. Greece i'm in quite a pickle because after not necessarily being super into this song, i started to really like it (VOICE, BRUH) but then the amsterdam concert happened. I KNOW she was sick, though, so i sort of have this on hold. if she delivers later, which i'm sure she will, she stays, but if not, this might drop a few slots 26. Lithuania this is another song that just makes me happy and makes me smile, and i can't explain it. i love lionboy. i'm just here for it 27. Serbia her voice is quite literally pristine, i love that she's singing in serbian, and i do appreciate her a lot as i honestly enjoy this song when it's on. it tends to slip my mind, though, which i hate it does, because it's beautiful and i'm rooting for her 28. Cyprus super unpopular opinion, but i actually like this a lot more than Fuego, and don't necessarily compare the two. HOWEVER i do kinda feel like i'm seeing the same thing from the same country, like, immediately after, which makes me a little less excited about it, oof 29. North Macedonia see, the message is very nice. the song actually grew on me a bit compared to the first time i heard it, but i still just... wish it was better. i like it overall, but it's just about pushing it 30. Israel he's actually very talented and on point vocally. the only reason it's not higher is simply because it's just not really my style, but it's one i still appreciate on stage 31. Georgia there is something about this that i like. i respect him, and when near the end there's sooo much power, then especially i really dig it 32. Montenegro the revamp did help them quite a lot, but overall it still kinda feels like a high school chorus, and i'm just not really for it 33. Moldova her voice is really nice, and despite how i found it just... done several times and kind of boring (oops), her live made me appreciate this just a bit more 34. Ireland i feel like this song is just kind of... there, for the sake of being there. it's not even bad, it's just... meh? 35. Malta that chorus is a major turn off for me, and it's neeeearing that point where a song just starts to annoy me... which i feel like is worse than simply not liking something, so it's on thin ice 36. Austria first of all i think her voice is very lovely. BUT... after about the 4th yo-o-o-ouh it does tip and starts to annoy me, which i wish it didn't, but... but it does 37. Belarus i wanna talk about how they had a huge shot with Michael Soul, but i will not go down that road and focus on Zena. this song just feels like a mess to me. like... a young britney spears song, but bad. i really don't get the appeal, at all 38. Latvia hhhhhhh. this one annoys me so much, i just can't begin to explain. it's flat, repetitive, and the chorus (??) fries my nerves in a matter of seconds, IM SORRY 39. Denmark oof... o o of. i don't want to be rude but basically this feels exactly like what you'd expect a junior eurovision song to be like.... except those are actually better. it's just... no. no. way too much sugar. it’s all just... no 40. Germany speaking of songs that annoy me? i feel like this is definitely the one i can't stand the most. *screeches* SISTAH x4 41. Iceland listen i'm not going to talk about this for long but basically i really heavily dislike this for a few reasons and can never listen all the way through without like.. suffering. the funniest thing is that i love the beat. but then.. the singing (NOT even the style) it just. it makes me angry, cuz this could be good. but it's not. also i don't like the pretend-gay stuff. but that's just me

[honeycombcal]

Clichés - C.H. (Pt. 4)

AN: TEN YEARS LATER I finally have an update!!! sorry i suck, school has been kicking my booty lately and i’ve been uninspired. for this one, i had them play songs from the new album simply because i feel like even if the guys weren’t famous, they’d still pursue music as a hobby and it’s fun to write haha. when they sing ‘Ghost of You’ in this chapter, I was picturing the video going around right now where Cal looks like he might fcking SOB ugh that video hurts my heart. and i used their apple music acoustic performance as inspo as well :) anyways, i’ll stop rambling!!! feedback is always always welcome and appreciated, hope y’all enjoy xxx

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

You were sat at your desk, working on a study guide for an exam you had next week when Britt burst into your room, flopping on your bed with a groan. You set your pen down, turning in your chair to quirk a brow at your best friend as you giggled.

“Rough day?” you ask, Brittany’s face buried into your comforter. She lets out another loud, muffled groan.

“I totally bombed that exam,” she whined, picking her head up to rest her cheek on the bed. She jutted her lip out, pouting.

“I doubt that. You always say you do poorly on an exam and end up acing it,” you tell her, rolling your eyes playfully in the process.

“I’m serious this time, Y/N! I really think I failed,” she countered, and you gave her a sympathetic look.

“Wanna go with me to a gig Calum’s playing with his friends tonight? It’ll make you feel better,” you ask her, wanting your best friend to cheer up. She purses her lips, thinking it over.

“Yeah, if I can get my homework done, I’ll go with,” she tells you, making you smile.

“Better get started!” you tell her, flinging your pen at her and giggling when it hit her right in the middle of her forehead.

“Hey!” she yells, whipping it back in your direction and missing entirely, making you laugh even harder. You turn to grab the pen from where it landed on your desk when your phone lights up with a notification.

“Um,” you say as you read it, surprise and unease settling in your stomach.

“What?” Brittany asks, sitting up on your bed now.

“Cal’s ex just requested to follow me on Instagram,” you muttered, your brows furrowing as you clicked on the notification and it took you to Nicki’s profile. It was filled with pictures of her, her friends, and if you scrolled enough, pictures of her and Calum.

“Seriously? Let me see,” your roommate insisted, holding her hand out. You tossed her your phone, bringing your pen to your lips and chewing on the end lightly.

“That’s so weird… does she wear extensions?!” Brittany asks as she scrolls, making you laugh.

“I don’t know, I’ve never paid much attention to her. She’s beautiful regardless,” you sigh, thinking back to the party when she had lead Calum away from you. She really was beautiful- perfect dark hair, sparkling green eyes, clear tan skin, and a smile that was bright enough to blind you.

“Don’t do that,” Brittany warned, looking up from your phone to meet your gaze.

“Do what?” you ask innocently.

“Put yourself down! Compare yourself to her! You’re beautiful too, inside and out, which is more than she can say,” your best friend quips, making you smile. Your phone began to vibrate in Britt’s hand, and her eyes widened and she smiled at you as she read the caller ID.

“It’s your boyyyy,” she sang, tossing you the phone back. You felt your face heat as you accepted the call, bringing the cool glass screen of your phone to your ear.

“Hello?” you breathed.

“Hi, doll,” Calum’s smooth voice sounded down the phone, making you shiver.

“Hi,” you respond, unable to fight back your smile as Brittany mirrored it and rolled her eyes playfully.

“How was your day?” he asks, and you can hear shuffling in the background.

“It was good, nothing too special after you dropped me off,” you tell him, fiddling with your pen.

“That’s because I wasn’t there,” he tells you, and you can practically hear the smirk in his voice.

“You’re not wrong,” you respond, making him laugh.

“You still coming tonight?” he asks.

“Of course. I’m bringing my roommate Brittany, too,” you meet Britt’s eyes and wiggle your eyebrows. She tosses a pillow at you and you can’t help but laugh.

“We’ll try not to suck so we make it worth your guys’ while,” he jokes, making you roll your eyes.

Brittany catches your eye and mouths ‘tell him about Nicki’. You press your lips together and shake your head, unsure if you should bring it up. It probably isn’t even that big of a deal and you’re overthinking it.

“Is everything okay?” Calum asks, interrupting your thoughts.

“Hmm? Yeah, everything’s fine,” you shrug, waving off Brittany.

“You sure? It doesn’t sound like it.”

Brittany gives you a look and you sigh, relenting.

“It’s not a big deal. Nicki just requested to follow me on Instagram is all,” you say, unsure of how the conversation will go now.

“Well that didn’t take long. Jesus,” he sighs, and you wonder if he’s running his fingers through his hair like you think he is.

“I just thought it was odd,” you twist a piece of hair, chewing on your lip.

“We were only together for like three months, I don’t understand why she’s doing this. Just ignore her,” he assures you, and you nod.

“I’m not that worried,” you chuckle.

“You have no reason to be. Drinks on me tonight,” he quickly changes the subject.

“It’s Monday!” you squeak, and he laughs.

“One drink won’t hurt anything. I’ll see you soon, doll,” he tells you, and you feel your cheeks heat.

“Can’t wait,” you tell him, exchanging goodbyes before hanging up.

“You’ve got it so bad,” Brittany teases as you turn back to your studying. Like usual, your best friend wasn’t wrong.

“This bar is so cool!” your roommate exclaims, making you smile. Your heart swells as she takes everything in, happiness blooming in your chest at the fact your best friend seems to enjoy this place as much as you do.

“Y/N!” a voice calls, and you look to see Mickie behind the bar, grinning at you.

“Mickie, hey!” you greet her, walking up to the bar.

“Here to see Cal?” she asks with a knowing smile. You nod, rolling your lips into your mouth to hide your smile. She laughs as she begins to make two drinks.

“They’re finishing setting up, I think he might be in the back,” she tells you, pushing the drinks toward you and your roommate.

“How much?” you ask, pulling out your wallet. Mickie tsk’s.

“I was instructed to put them on his tab,” she tells you, winking. You roll your eyes playfully, as you should’ve known.

“Mickie, this is my roommate Brittany. Brittany, this is Mickie. She owns the bar,” you introduce your roommate as she takes a sip of her drink.

“I love this place,” Brittany praises, making Mickie smile.

“It’s nice to meet you. You girls go ahead and take a seat, they’ll probably start soon,” Mickie nods towards one of the tables closest to the stage. You thank her and make your way over to the table. You take a sip of your drink, the fruity flavor dancing on your tastebuds.

“How many guys are in the band?” Brittany asks, examining the set up on stage.

“It’s Cal and his three roommates. I haven’t met Michael yet,” you tell her, checking the time on your phone. Ten more minutes.

“Hey,” a familiar voice calls, and you look up and instantly feel butterflies being released in your stomach. Calum jogs over to your table, looking absolutely delicious in a white button down with black pinstripes tucked into black pants. His hair looks incredibly soft, his curls bouncing on his forehead and all you want to do is run your fingers through it.

“Hi,” you breathe, standing to greet him. He gives you a soft kiss before pulling you into his chest.

“Thanks for comin’,” he squeezes you.

“Wouldn’t miss it. Cal, this is my roommate, Brittany,” you reluctantly pull away to introduce him to your best friend. Brittany smiles and gives a little wave from where she sits.

“Heard a lot about you,” Brittany teases, making you groan inwardly. Calum smiles, which makes you slightly okay with your roommate’s comment if it meant seeing that shy smile of his. Calum glances back from where he had came and turns back to you.

“Alright, I’ve gotta get ready to go on. Enjoy the show,” he winks at you, kissing your cheek before waving to Brittany and jogging back from where he came.

“Well, he’s yummy,” Brittany says, making you laugh as you sit down. You notice she’s just about sucked her drink dry, and she doesn’t drink often. You wonder if she’s already feeling a little buzzed.

“I know- “

“Is this seat taken?” a high pitched voice asks from behind you. You feel your blood turn to ice as you remember the last time you heard that voice. You turn to see Nicki, looking as beautiful as ever in a cream sweater dress and over the knee brown boots, her hair curled into glossy waves and her makeup subtle but stunning. You instantly feel insecure in your simple outfit, having swapped out your oversized flannel for an oversized sweater but opting to keep the leggings and moccasins. You glance at Brittany, her eyes wide as you look back to Calum’s supermodel ex standing in front of you.

“No, it isn’t,” you answer.

“Mind if I sit?” she asks, giving you her megawatt smile. You swallow before shaking your head, gesturing for her to sit next to you. You bristle as she joins the two of you; you were never one to be rude, and your kindness was often taken advantage of by people who didn’t deserve it. You had a feeling this was going to be another one of those times.

Nicki pulls out the chair next to you, settling in as Brittany shoots you a look as if to say, “are you crazy?!” You roll your lips into your mouth as you shrug slightly.

“Is this your first show?” Nicki asks, resting her left arm on the table as she places her chin in her right hand. She cocks her head a bit, her eyes searching your face and you instantly wish you’d put a little more effort into your appearance tonight, feeling as though she was judging you.

“Yeah, it is,” you respond, taking a long sip of your drink. If you had to deal with intrusive questions from Nicki all night, you were gonna need all the alcohol you could get.

“I remember my first show last year. They’ve come a long way,” she says dreamily, glancing to look over at the stage. Last year? Calum said they’d only dated for three months. Something about it didn’t sit right with you, but you kept your mouth shut.

“What made you come out tonight?” Brittany asks bluntly, your head whipping around to stare at her, your eyes feeling like they might pop out of their head. Your best friend has an unimpressed look on her face, not bothering to try and hide the fact that she’s annoyed that Nicki showed up. If Nicki noticed Britt’s bitchy tone, she didn’t comment on it.

“Oh, I come to their gigs every week! Bit of a tradition,” she smiles cheekily as you feel your gut twist. You try to not let it show that she’s getting to you, because you know that’s exactly what she wants, so you just nod as you fiddle with the straw in your drink.

Finally, Mickie steps onto the stage in front of you, taking the mic out of the stand and introducing the boys to the crowd that has gathered. You clap as the guys make their entrance, taking their spots on stage before thanking Mickie. Calum’s eyes immediately find you once he’s settled before scanning over to the harpie sitting to your right. His eyes widen just enough for you to notice as they flick back to you. You purse your lips, giving him a small nod before finishing your drink and standing to get another one.

Mickie has one ready for you as you approach the bar, seemingly reading your mind. She gives you a sympathetic look as you exchange your empty glass for the new one.

“I never liked her,” she mutters under her breath, making you smile but it wasn’t enough to help your sour mood. You sigh, Mickie mouthing ‘good luck’ before you turn and make your way back to your table. Luke has just finished his introduction as you sit down once more, glancing at you, then Nicki, then back to you again. It looks as if he’s struggling to hide his smirk as he winks at you, tucking some of his blonde curls behind his ears.

“We’re gonna start out a little slow tonight, this is ‘Ghost of You’,” he continues, nodding to the boy on his right who must be Michael, the only one you haven’t met yet. Michael nods as he starts strumming the opening chords, looking down at his guitar in concentration as he does so. You’re instantly intrigued, the chords almost sounding like a lullaby.

“Here I am wakin’ up, still can’t sleep on your side,” Luke starts, and you feel your eyebrows shoot up. He’s good. You look over to Calum, and find that he’s already looking at you. He smiles, a sight that brings a smile to your own face. He turns to play the keyboard to his left, and you inhale sharply. This song is so hauntingly beautiful, and even though you hadn’t heard any other song from them, you knew this was going to be your favorite.

Calum steps towards the mic and opens his mouth to sing, strumming his bass, the chords almost too low for you to hear.

“Cleanin’ up today, found that old Zeppelin shirt,” his low voice sings, a slight rasp to his words. His eyes squeezed shut as he sang, passion clear on his features as his long fingers strummed the strings of his bass. You felt your heart swell with pride and appreciation and pure awe. You really had had no idea what the boy who sat next to you in English class and brought you hot chocolate was capable of. And now that you had even the smallest inkling, you never wanted to stop learning about him.

“He’s good,” you hear Brittany murmur, your best friend leaning over to speak softly into your ear. You smile as you look at her and nod.

You listened to the lyrics, the song making your heart break at its painful message. The instruments and vocals blended together almost magically, and you couldn’t believe you were lucky enough to sit in this small bar and listen to this beautiful song performed by these talented men.

The song slowed and before you knew it, it was over. You sat stunned before you joined the crowd in applause, your cheeks hurting from the smile on your face. Calum found you in the crowd, his face mirroring yours as he took in your expression. ‘Wow’ you mouthed to him from where you sat, and the smile that took over his face was one you wanted to see every day; it was shy and proud at the same time. He pushes his curls off from where they had fallen onto his forehead, stepping towards the mic.

“Just wanna say thanks to everyone for comin’ out tonight. Your support means a lot to us,” he says, looking at you the entire time. You feel your face heat as Britt nudges you, making you smile.

“Continuing with the slow songs, we’re gonna slow this one down tonight. Hope you guys like it, this is ‘Want You Back’,” he continues. Michael has swapped his electric guitar for an acoustic, and he starts just a split second before Luke does.

“Oh, this is my favorite,” Nicki says from beside you, and you jump slightly. You’d almost forgotten she was there. You turn to her, acknowledging her comment as you listen to the lyrics of this new song. Just like the title suggests, it’s about wanting someone back after they’d left, a message you felt uneasy about given your current situation. Nicki smirks at you as you realize what she’s talking about.

“They wrote this one after Cal and I broke up the first time,” she murmurs, the music now falling upon deaf ears as you feel as though she’s just slapped you. Your lips part at this new information, and you turn from her to stare at your drink in front of you.

“You know even when I say I moved on, you know even though I know that you’re gone, all I think about is where I went wrong, yeah I still dream for you,” Luke sings, Calum’s voice harmonizing.

Suddenly, it felt like the walls were closing in on you. How could you be so stupid? You were just a rebound; you could never compete with a girl like Nicki. This song, along with Nicki’s comment, was all the proof you needed. You felt as though you might pass out, your surroundings blurring together, and you needed to get out of there.

You stand abruptly, surprising Brittany as you push away from the table.

“Y/N?!” she calls after you, but you wave her off, stumbling outside for some fresh air.

The cool wind hits your face as you slide down the side of the building, settling on the ground and resting your forehead on your knees. You take in a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm your racing heart and mind.

Brittany bursts through the door, looking around wildly before spotting you to her left.

“What the hell did she say to you?” she almost growls, taking you aback as your best friend was normally very soft spoken.

“Nothing that I didn’t already know,” you sighed, hanging your head again. She huffs as she sits next to you, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you to her side.

“Can we go home?” you murmur. You feel Brittany nodding before she stands and hauls you to your feet. She hands you her car keys, as she’s clearly too buzzed to drive, and pulls you close again as you walk to the parking lot behind the bar.

Tonight was a perfect example of why you were a homebody.

[btsxlami]

📢LISTEN 📢 UP📢 ARMYS📢 HERE ARE 23 UNDERRATED ¿!MORE!¿ RAP MONSTER TRACKS THAT YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY POSITIVELY SHOULD CHECK OUT by @btsxlami

Hey guys its your favourite Namjoon promoter here again a.k.a LAMI! My last post got a lot of notes so whoop whoop and included my personal favourite 23 Namjoon tracks which you can find here

Part 2 of my underrated Namjoon series.

Here are 23 more bc damn Namjoon has a lot of fcking songs!

Disclaimers: (HOLD UP IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME SEEING THIS I SUGGEST YOU SEE PART ONE)

1. i will include tracks that Namjoon covered

2. I will include tracks that Namjoon featured in

3. I will include tracks that I personally feel the need to be well known *so no I won’t put expensive girl even tho thats my shit*

4. This list will be a bit more laid back since I covered a lot of the most important songs in the last list sooo

5. since i covered his best and most “important” tracks in the last list theres not many left but ill probably include his REALLY early like pre debut fetus tracks with his underground rapper friends, tbh I personally don’t think they are the best but you can definitely see how he grew and where he started from

6. enjoY! and reblog kekeke

7. THIS IS A LONG ASS LIST AND I FUCKING ANALYZED EACH SONG SO I EXPECT YALL TO READ AND APPRECIATE NAMJOON GODDAMIT

8. you can always go to BTS’s official soundcloud for unofficial official tracks yeet

9. titles with stars are ones i recommend ( i should of done this for part one yikes)

1. Voices by Rap Monster ⭐

from his first 2015 mixtape RM > Check out the full album here >>  X  *you can refer to more mixtape songs in my previous list

I feel as if this song is the closest a fan can get with Kim Namjoon. Just listening to it you feel a bit relaxed and almost a bit sad when you start listening to the first half of the song. This song reflects a person’s tender emotions and voices that run inside of someone’s head when they are confused. I remember listening to this 2 years ago and towards the end Namjoon starts screaming out all his pain and I started crying. C R Y I N G

Namjoon had a really smooth life up until he started pursuing hip hop. He was a beyond smart student and had a happy family so why the hell would he be depressed? He had his whole life ahead of him right?

But this lyrics totally breaks that facade down

 “ I didn’t have any dreams just like my lyrics, every day in that way the functions and equations that couldn’t give me an answer in the end those things became uncountable injuries “

Despite having such amazing grades Namjoon did not know what the hell he wanted to do with his life, he didnt want to go into something academic despite being good at it, he was lost in life and his academics could not make him happy but instead hurt him even more.

“ thought I could catch the mirage known as happiness but the me in front of my desk wasn’t happy even for a moment without my mom knowing, I put a sheet of white paper between the pages of my workbook “

This verse totally broke me apart. He wanted to be happy while being in school but school sure as hell did not make him happy. His parents looked up to him as some smartass freak but without them knowing he started writing his own lyrics to cope with his hardships.

“my identity that I wrote down matched to the drum and bass a different, relaxed feeling compared to when I got my report card even when I was #1 my heart couldn’t relax”

The music brought out his true inner feelings, music brought out his true personality rather than when he was almost robot like studying with no self-identity. Despite being number one in class he still felt an emptiness that only music could fill.

“even as 7 years passed... still making my mixtape by myself in one corner of my room some say I’m fake, okay, I admit it, my dark past I can justify it, but I won’t, so that kind of problem won’t happen again the pedal that I stepped on for 7 years has finally been oiled “

Namjoon has been writing music and tried to get recognition for 7 years, despite Bangtan getting fame he is still lonely writing his own mixtape in a dark corner, kind of pathetic ehh idk, in his mixtape interview his dark past was his problematic sayings and actions. He felt the need to appropriate culture in order to rap. He then figured out that music and culture had nothing to do with eachother, music is for everyone. *I’m fake*

And finally after all the hardships after 7 years he is finally started to receive praise and attention!

2. WE ARE BULLETPROOF PT.1 by: Rap Monster, Supreme Boi, and Iron ⭐

Composed 6-7 years ago when Namjoonie was about 15 or 16 THIS SONG IS FUCKING BOP. 

2 of Bangtans were also first members are featured here: Supreme boi (yall probably familiar with him) and Iron! (i hope iron never affiliates with Bangtan ever again tho we dont need a criminal around them yikes)

3. Hook by Supreme Boi, Iron, and Namjoon (also the track used in Yoongi’s all i do is win)

Extremely old and pre debut, but old is gold

Probably one of Namjoon’s only ‘diss’ song, he usually doesnt diss others while he raps tbvh

4. Seventeen by Rap monster

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDNT MAKE FUN OF HIM BC 15 YEAR OLD NAMJOON AT THE TIME WAS PROBABLY REALLY PROUD BACK THEN BUT HE LOOKED SO FUCKING FUNNY BC DAMN THAT HAIR AND HIS VOICE SOUNDS LIKE A CHIPMUNK BUTHUSDHUFUFSUD

5. SKOOL OF TEARS By: Rap Monster, Suga, and Jin ⭐

Absoloute MASTERPIECE! FIRST OF ALL THE ORIGINAL TRACK IS FROM SWIMMING POOLS BY KENDRICK LAMAR AND I LOVE KENDRICK! SECOND, THE RAP FLOW SOUNDS AMAZING NAMJOON IS GOING SO HARD AND DAMN YOONGI BACK AT IT AGAIN! ALSO CREDS FOR BABY BOY JIN FOR SOUNDING SO BADASS HERE BUT HERE IS WHY I LOVE THIS SONG!

I think its absolutely amazing how Namjoon especially writes song towards youth suffering in school, it takes a lot of guts to write against a society that has been around for decades. 

“  This is a ring called a classroom This is a stadium with no referee only an audience You know there will never be a victor everyone will lose There will be no victor everyone will lose”

“ That’s right, in the end school is like another mini society A jungle made carelessly by adults They made the weaklings weak, they made the strong powerful Of course since they were strong they made the weak suffer A society built on the teachings that friends are only for pretend The morals of adults made us step on the weak to rise to the top “

Its clear to see that Namjoon has suffered in school but also isnt afraid to address the truth.

6. Expensive girl by Rap Monster 

( I FUCKING DISCOVERED THIS SONG WHEN I WAS LIKE 11-12 AND I NEVER WANTED TO PUT THIS HEAR BUT YALL LIKE FOUGHT ME TO ADD THIS TO THE LIST GODDAMIT I HATE YALL I GOT LIKE HATE MAN OKAY)

“Take it off now girl just take it off (I’m a master, baby with your bra)Take it off now girl just take it off (I can help you slide those panties off)(..I’m a beat that pussy like you never ever felt before)x2″

7. Converse High (original version SUNG by Rap Monster)⭐

Yall probably heard Bangtan’s Converse High but here was the original version written by Namjoon that was rejected bc of the swearing omg damn joonie, BUT HE SINGS SO BEAUTIFUL IN THIS YESS

(funny story in seventh grade when this came out it was the last day of school and i requested my teacher to stay after school late so i could finish listening to the whole thing)

8. Suicide by Rap Monster

Rapmon wrote this mixtape in the point of view of a baby in his mother’s tummy. The baby’s parents are high school kids who are forced to go through abortion.

*this song was deleted bc of copyright and also the source of it is unknown but hey ITS IN ENGLISH AND DAMN NAMJOON RIGHTS DEEP SHIT*

(tf is namjoon doing u good)

9. What am I to you by Rap Monster from the 2014 Dark & wILD ⭐

if you DONT KNOW THIS SONG I SUGGEST YOU RETHINK YOUR LIFE DECISIONS BC LOWKEY HANDS DOWN ONE OF THE BEST INTRO’S TO A OFFICIAL BTS ALBUM (gif is from the live ver of this song and he started crying ok)

So Namjoon used to have a girlfriend who “mistreated” him. Tbvh we really don’t know what happened but on problematic men he said it wasnt anything serious it was just she would neglect him and not spend enough time but also hang out with other men.

(gif aint mine so gif blogs dont come at me)

But clearly the lyrics of this song are very emotional but the real reason why this song is a masterpiece is because of the rise of  emotions.

It starts off slow and cute, Namjoon mentions how he loves the girl and how their love is pure and innocent, throwing cute love phrases and the song sounds so soft, hopeful, and romantic. But in the middle the music starts to get more serious and Namjoon starts to question the relationship. He feels as if the girl thinks of this relationship as more of a task and a job, and slowly as the song comes to an end NAMJOON STARTS FUCKING SCREAMING AND BELTING! ALL THE EMOTIONS BUILD UP AND HE STARTS SCREAMING “WHAT AM I TO YOU GIRL WHAT AM I TO YOU I DO LOVE YOU CRAZY UH DO YOU” LIKE IT WAS SCARY I WAS CRYING IM LIKE NAMJOON WHO TF HURT YOU

10. Always by Rap Monster ⭐

This song is more recent and farely well known but I still felt the need to put this masterpiece here. Namjoon said not to worry about him as the lyrics are really sad and almost ???SUICIDAL??? but he said he wrote this when he was stressed last year. Its kind of a self questioning song about life and your purpose. I cried when it came out. well i always cry when i listen to namjoon is it a surprise.

I'm honestly in tears because this song goes to show how hurt Namjoon still is even after all these years. Even after all these awards, fans, and accomplishments. Depression still hurts after a long time. I can tell that this song was talking about his past. This song literally made me realize Namjoon was questioning his existence and I wanna hold him so badly. Guys...we could of lost Kim Namjoon. My absolute favourite human being in the entire world who saved my life. He is a human being who does not deserve such pain but I am so proud he endured it so well and look how far he came. One of my favourite verses "I live for the sake of understanding this world, but why hasnt the world tried to understand me atleast once" Its a really vague phrase which is why I like it. WORLD could mean destiny, fate, life, even parents.  He tries so hard to accept his life, to understand his parents wishes, sacrificing his own happiness yet fate decides to only give him the worst. "Dad please listen to me" "dead dad, your dead to me," Talking about how his dad wouldn't let him rap. I remember him mentioning that his dad once told him all that education he worked hard for was for nothing and I can’t imagine how sad Namjoon felt in that moment. "I would tell god if I ever meet him, i would hold him by the collar and tell him this life is like a coffee I never ordered" A pretty sad and a bit confusing verse, maybe leading to why Namjoon eventually became an atheist. Namjoon was in so much pain he didnt want to be born. "I wished I was dead...... I wished “Someone would kill me" No Namjoon never utter such words. My joonie mini I hope you are better and hopeful now, look at how far you came, your so successful and loved, and you made your family proud. Dont ever doubt yourself and even think about death, just keep living happily and moving forward. He honestly felt lost in this point of his life and still continues to feel lost. Namjoon you have such in important role and your existence was destined. You were born for a reason. You were born to change lives. 

11.  J-Lim ft. Rap Monster & Iron - Ashes

12. TIPSY BY RAP MONSTER & SUPREME BOI

Namjoon wrote this in the beginning of his rap career when he was still trying to find where he stood as a rapper. He mentions how he isnt doing this for the fame or money and he isnt the next Nas or Tupac he just wants to rap for the love of it.

13.  Rap Monster of 방탄소년단 (BANGTAN),Supreme Boi,i11evn,Marvel.J - You can't do that

*i suggest you skip ahead to 1:30 for namjoon fire verse, shade intended*

14.  RAP MONSTER of 방탄소년단,Suprema,Marvel.J,Kyum2 - Rollin

I also recommend you to skip ahead to 2:40 BC DAMN BOY GOES HARD

But tbvh pre debut namjoon squad (supreme boi , young jeezy, iron are hella problematic and say the n word in this and still do so im like yikes im happy nam left you) “ They pissed, now rape me" bitch whet

yeah im just here for namjoons verse bye

imma mufukin balla on this mufuckin beat spit mufuckin rap on this mufuckin shit got mufuckin skill so im mufuckin phat its mufuckin trick and a mufuckin track i i bet you betta stop stopin da chatter im a rapper man, and i represent BPB im juss so greater than hoes

15. FUCK COCKROACHES BY RAP MONSTER AND ZICO *THIS IS SO FUNNY*

Zico was 15 and RapMon was 13 when they rapped this, Namjoon sounds like a chipmunk BUT ZICO SOUNDS LIKE JIMIN I STG!

16. Rap Monster- Thinking Bout you

Joonie Mini Representing Biggie smalls eyyy!

17. Glory By Rap Monster

"I'm a dick? Yeah, when you disturb me, I grow bigger" SO FUCKING DONE

*there was lowkey lowkey controversy bc he said he tore 4 hymens BUT DETECTIVE LAMI FIXED IT*

 In the beginning Namjoon says that people looked at him pitifully because he joined BTS,  the Underground rappers were disappointed with him which led the Underground rappers to leave him, which has ripped his hymen. Not 4 hymen of random girls. 4 and "I" sound the same in Korean

it's a bit weird but in this case he is talking about himself all the hate people showed has ripped his hymen symbolizing his innocence for music.

18. NAA BY RAP MONSTER

tHE ORIGINAL BEAT WAS DEUCES BY CHRIS BROWN I WAS DYING

19. REGULAR VOICE BY RAP MONSTER ⭐

A really sweet and open-minded song about Namjoon wanting a “regular girl” “Height? I don’t care. Age? I don’t mind it. When you say, “I’ll only look at you” then I’m okay. Whether your skin is light or dark it doesn’t really matter, our love is deeper than that. “

I feel as if idols are pressured to have certain ideal types and say them out in the open, Namjoon had bad influences around him *underground rappers* which also influenced his negative sayings towards certain things but he wrote this song all alone at a young age which shows that his intentions are pure, and ever since he apologized for his wrong doings you go joon.

his voice sounds like sex

20. DREAMING BY RAP MONSTER

FETUS CHUBBY WTF HAIR NAMJOON IS BACK

okay but seriously you can see that despite being young he put a lot of effort and thought into this song!

21.  RAP MONSTER of 방탄소년단 feat.김거덕 - RAP

22.  130305??  THIS TRACK IS UNTITLED BUT IT SOUNDS SO EPIC TF

23. Trouble by Rap Monster 🔞 🔞

OKAY IM BARELY AROUSED BUT THIS SHIT ACTUALLY HAD ME SOAKED IM SORRY GOD LIKE ITS SO SUGGESTIVE I STG 

HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES I STG