#I'm shoving him in everything
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The ineffable and ever-mysterious Cover Anon, who's gifted me not one but five fic covers for Shanties, has done it again, with the most stunning cover for my recently completed Mnemosyne, this time by the brilliant Checheven.
I am beyond words. What an incredible gift after finishing this fic.
#I am failing at writing articulate tags but this is so beautiful and it's SUCH A FANTASTIC COVER FOR THIS FIC#IT LOOKS LIKE A GENUINE NOVEL#THE COLOURS AND THE COMPOSITION#SHANKS AND MAKINO#AND ROWAN#(even Ceto I am cryinggggg)#I'm still recovering from the final chapters and this just came and swept my feet out#woke my husband up this morning to shove my phone in his face to show him this#but oh it's so bold and vivid and I love this artist's style so much#Makino is SO beautiful and serious Shanks is everything and the little menace herself is *perfect*#Cover Anon I...don't even know what to say??#I love all of these covers more than I can put into words and I will never be over this gift<3#Shanks x Makino#Red-Haired Shanks#One Piece Makino#Shanties for the Weary Voyager#Shanties art
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#i know i am in a teeny tiny minorityy of da fans but#i am. so tired of v4rric#i'm tired of him being in everything#(tired FOR him too. let the man rest)#tired of him being used to market every-damn-thing#i know I KNOW since almost everybody loves him he's a pretty surefire way to get ppl's attenion#but my interest in the game literally DROPPED seeing him involved#ugh you again#i used to like him!!!!#a lot!!!!#but when i say don't leave a seb-mancing hawke in the fade if you wanna keep liking v4rric I MEAN IT#his dismissive tone and insulting word choice#about telling sebastian his WIFE is (probably) dead sent my opinion plummeting to the depths of the deep roads#(i have to tell sebastian or he'll throw a fit. he'll THROW A FIT)#i try to keep it to myself bc i know ppl like/love him and i don't want to ruin that#bc i understand why you'd like him. i do#but for all the talk of him being hawke's best friend he does NOT act like it if you romance sebastian#not to mention the ''ignoring letters from starkhaven when he's viscount bc he doesn't like the man in charge'' things from trespasser :\#i just want to meet and play with new characters rather than have the same guy shoved in my face every time around#varric critical#(if this shows in the tag and you like him i'm v sorry. i tired to censor)
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I know you're keeping Clear Sky as an antagonist (and he's very compelling as one in your rewrite), but I'm curious: if you absolutely had to give him a redemption arc, how would you go about it? (Besides not fridging his sister and wives, of course.)
If I was forced to give Clear Sky a redemption arc I'd slip a femur right out of my legmeat and beat someone to death with it
I'd never write a redemption arc for him, ever. It would be a completely different character.
Clear Sky's redemption arc is not even an idea worth considering; This an extremely consistent abusive family member who drives the entire plot, a predator who will leverage the love people have for him, whose defining characteristic is that he dresses up his megalomania as "Just Trying to Protect Everyone"
And I'd give that up?! for what?
I'd rewrite the whole plot, JUST like how the writers did with TWO born evil foreigner villains so their story wouldn't get boring, so I could prove the he could be a good boy if he wanted to? WHY?
It's doing the same thing the Erins do, totally uninterested in the story of his victims to write yet another plot centered around the pain of an abusive man.
Elder Bones is disappointed in you if you even think about it, actually. I am holding the femurbone in my hand as we speak. I'm gonna GETCHA
#Bone Babble#Clear Sky can be redeemed in my wine cellar. if he'd like to come down to take a look#And I am sorry but like. I've never seen it done well. ever#When other people attempt it#I have never enjoyed an AU or an analysis post exploring some possibility for an alternate redemption arc#And I have seen a *LOT* of them#Every single one has played into legitimizing his Oh So Sincere Pain And Regret#HELL no!!!#NO he fucking doesn't!! EVERYTHING revolves around power to this character!#Any moments of sincere reflection or remorse get shoved down in the pursuit of more power and respect#He is incapable of sitting with his shame and that's INTERESTING#How he's a complete weasel who will find a way to twist the words of authority telling him to Cut It Out into something that benefits him#How the emotions people feel when interacting with him is either Guilt or Fanatic Affection#He's a horrible and toxic person!! The kind of person you're VERY lucky to get away from#So I've never actually seen anyone do it in a way that works.#And I'm not entirely convinced it exists. Anything is possible but no. Not in my house
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Ngl it's weird finishing the Knuckles tv show and going to tumblr about it only for people (even who I consider bigger name fans) who also watched the entire show to claim that it "confirmed Knuckles Wachowski"
Like
I'm sorry
Did you somehow miss the part in the last episode where Knuckles had a whole montage of hanging with the Whipple family and Wade and saying "home" or something?
#sonic the hedgehog#knuckles series#knuckles the echidna#knuckles 2024#knuckles whipple#sonic movie#knuckles 2024 spoilers#knuckles series spoilers#fandom wank#Sorry do you just think that this entire show was a sidequest so Knuckles could go back to the Wachowski house and be their kid now like#nothing ever happened?#In the show where episode 1 clearly showed that Knuckles couldn't mesh with the household and that Sonic considered him a roommate?#This place was not home for him. The show was about him finding home. How is the Wachowski household Knuckles' home after he had an epiphany#that his home was with the whipple family??#Ah wait sorry how could I forget. Sonic fans are just used to absorbing canon with a toothpick and picking the parts they like and then#claiming their headcanons for filling in the gaps are canon#Only the things they personally like are what happened of course#Sorry for being salty I'm just annoyed. Like you can have whatever headcanons or fanon you want. Heck I loved all those 'maddie is knuckles'#mom' comics and whatnot. I'm not even saying we have to interpret the media the same way. But Knuckles having a montage and calling being#with the whipple family 'home' happened. That happened.#A friend and I are running a bet that most people won't acknowledge that it happened unless Sonic movie 3 shoves it in our faces#The universe tests me every day by having put me into Sonic fandom. It is a constant test of one's soul not only to exist in proximity of a#community who you often disagree on big points with‚ but to watch a bunch of loud people claim things are canon but only accept textual#evidence when it serves them. Or to explain a little better#to watch a fandom try to build an 'accepted idea' of what canon is like that becomes so divorced from actual canon that you get people#saying that it's canon and ignoring anything that doesn't fit it because 'writing bad anyways'#Like guys please I am grasping your shoulders. If you don't like canon just say 'fuck you I'm going to make content of this because I think#it's better'. You don't have to assert that everything you believe is canon and ignore when it's not#i just be ramblin
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As much as I love playing embrace Dark Urge runs (discussion in therapy pending), there's something so narratively satisfying about how a Resist Durge playthrough can go once you get to the Bhaal Temple. Your character steps into the ring with Orin, it's intended to be a duel, but odds are you're getting eviscerated pretty quickly. You then switch to one of your other characters in your party and throw an attack, effectively breaking the duel and setting the whole temple upon you.
(Adding a cut because this ended up being longer than I thought)
But, I think it's a very satisfying way to play. Your party members have grown fond of your Durge, seeing them as a friend, a family member, even a lover. They've watched you and your pain over your Urge and what it makes you do or want to do. Maybe you've slipped up once or twice, but you've been trying so hard to be the hero they know you can be, that Faerûn needs. So, when it comes time to finally face your demons and you're getting so horribly hurt in the process, they can't help but rush to your defense. It'll put all of them in danger, but it doesn't matter because they want and need to help you, their ally and companion.
Bonus points if you select your character's romanced companion as the savior/duel interruptor to make it extra delicious. They've fallen in love with you, stayed with you when your Urge craved their blood the most, maybe by this point in the game you've helped put their demons down as well. They see you in pain, a final valiant effort to overcome your Urge against the power of Orin, a whole cult, a god of murder himself. They want to protect you, save you as you saved them.
I'm also fond of the extra beauty of Astarion being your Resist Durge romance since it puts the two of you in very similar situations. Fighting against the will of your masters, finally defeating your demons with your newfound companions' help and being offered the greatest power you could ever fathom... only to deny it, ignore power in favor of your party and your love.
This isn't even mentioning just how goddamn good the Withers resurrecting you cutscene is. This skeleton in your camp with unknown and unfathomable power (also apparently supposed to be Jergal himself if I've done my research properly?) is able to bring you back to life, free of your Urge. The line along the lines of "Bhaal could only destroy what of you that he knew, but because you've grown past your Urge and become your own person, he couldn't destroy that new growth" is just so weirdly powerful narratively. Tav may be a default character for you to create upon making a new save file, but Durge is the canon protagonist and I think that entire scene shows it the best. It's a beautiful secondary climax of the narrative (primary being battling the Netherbrain of course).
And, perhaps it's just an oversight on Larian's part or something that'd be a bit difficult to work into the cutscenes mechanically, but I think that it could only get more impactful if your companions could comfort each other during these moments. Everyone and their mother wishes you could hug Astarion after he kills Cazador, but also imagine your romanced companion cradling your body after Bhaal kills you. It seems just a little odd that they all (meaning your party) kinda just stand around staring at your corpse, especially with how close y'all have gotten.
Idk, I have a lot of thoughts about this section of the game in this particular type of playthrough and some of them are hard to articulate into words. It's just such a damn good narrative peak and can really make you feel things.
I've completed I think two resist Durge runs and just hit this point on my third and it really stuck out to me this time (then again my new antidepressants are kinda fucking with me so that might be playing a role). I left it as my last mission before dealing with the Netherbrain and I think it helped build the anticipation of that moment. Everyone else has been helped by you, and now it's your turn to come into your own. I really felt so connected to my character walking into the temple, feeling like everything has been building to this, that regardless of what happens our suffering will finally end. And you have your party there to help you in your time of greatest need as you've done for them.
There's a reason this game was Game of the Year, the narrative is just so powerful and the replay-ability is just insane. I've beaten this game ten times, heading for my eleventh and it truly just never gets old and never fails to make me feel so many things so strongly.
#we're gonna bypass how i have the withers big naturals mod installed#because it kinda undercuts the moment when withers comes in to resurrect you and he has these massive honkers#i'm a big fan of embrace durges since it's a great way for me to let loose without real world consequence#(my anticipation for patch 7 grows daily of course)#and it's also just fun to be your worst self and create the fucking legion of doom with your party#you'll never beat the sheer power of an evil durge/ascended astarion/dark justiciar shadowheart/minthara team up#I AM FULLY AWARE I AM SINNING WHEN I ASCEND ASTARION AND IT PAINS ME EVERY TIME BUT I LIKE EVIL NARRATIVES SUE ME#but a resist durge run makes me feel so many more things#helping shadowheart with her family helping astarion learn to be his best self free from cazador lifting the shadow curse among other things#plus everything I mentioned in the main post#and then the final crescendo of the score at the end of the epilogue party cutscene is a HUGE chills moment#although i will always be mad that in order to keep gale from ascending you have to make him seek forgiveness from mystra#she should be apologizing to him wtf no wonder i accidentally ascended him so many times him#gale telling her to shove it just MAKES MORE SENSE and is the healthier thing to do but it gets you his fucking bad ending wth#okay i suppose him blowing himself up is his bad ending but whatever#apparently him exploding the netherbrain can get you the win for honor mode and as someone who can't even get through balanced mode#you bet your sweeeeeet ass i'm not above sending gale to blow himself up to avoid a run ending fight if i got that far#honor mode is not about getting the ending you want it's just about completeing it and dude there's no way in hell i'll get close otherwise#i'll shut up now#fishgills speaks#fishgills plays bg3#bg3#baldur's gate 3#the dark urge#bg3 durge
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Big congrats on finishing your stamp pages! Also split grundos are one of my fave pets of all time so plz tell Volks that I love him. :')
He's thankful to say the list.
#vin answers#vin memes#thank you so much aaaa!! ;-;#it really means a lot that you like one of my characters!! :D#also thanks for the congratz!! honestly i hate restocking sm and everything is so expensive i hate ms#I honestly love drawing him so I'm glad he's been well received lmfaooo#also small Khos cameo cause he's also used as a sona every once in a while#there are 2 neopets inside you theyre both idiots#technically 3 but the third I'm still not sure what to do it so bear with me LFMAOO#grundo#korbat#i geuss lmao#anyway he heard it and proceeded to completely shove it in everyone's face#so that was not a good idea JSDKFLSD#anyway thanks for the ask i love responding to stuff even if its rather a few days thank when they're sent mostly to do decent doodles#but hey#you get a funny doodle so i hope its fine LMFAOO#thats it lmao bye
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an intervention, @lovlorne. ♡
#lovlorne#【♞】 saved.#【♞】 appearance.#yin tag.#dying bc of the summer heat and rl but these two annoying mfers keep me sane#synnie feeding me so well 😭#love everything abt this... ray's smug-ass expression and yin beside him seething and abt to claw out his eyes ( deserved )#i'm shoving them into a room and not letting them out until they make up#grant the police department 1 day of relative peace#as long as no one minds their muffled shouting ofc
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(´・ᴗ・ ` )
#I really like the “We're the bad guys' enemy” line. For someone I generally despise Dazai has all my favourite lines in this show…#Idk I can't really vibe with the unbalance that there is between s/kk.#Like when push comes to shove‚ Dazai has the power to keep Chuuya alive or let him die.#I understand why they make a compelling dynamic in their complexity‚ but it just doesn't do it for me.#I'm a little sad my opinion on them hasn't really changed since I watched the anime for the first time...#Also; I really can't vibe with Chuuya allowing Dazai to kill Q. Yes I know Chuuya cares about his comrades deeply.#Yes I know it can be interpreted as Chuuya seeing himself in Q as a living weapon and being disgusted by it#(though I honestly don't think that was intentional of the author).#Yes I know Chuuya is a mafioso and kills people. No I don't think your personal issues justify you being a dick to other people I'm sorry.#Back to my main annoyance with the episode: I must have already talked about this but I hate hate hate the narrative#“the mafia works for the city” “the mafia deeply loves the city too” it's so so sickening and insulting please stop I'm begging.#Please visit any actual city with a rooted mafia presence for once in your life (signed: someone whose hometown was destroyed by the mafia.#The writers really don't know what they're talking about and‚ politely‚ it's offensive.)#Also b/sd keeping being extremely nationalist with Mori (who's largely depicted unsimphatetically for the first part of the episode)–#bringing up western thinkers and subtly mocking Fukuzawa for not knowing them–#and Fukuzawa (the righteous man. the noble spirit and just soul in this episode and Mori's antithesis)–#stepping forward to say that he knows strategists from the east (because who else would he need?)#I don't know if it's meant to symbolize the conflict with an hostile and invading foreign power (the Guild).#But it does come across as. A very isolationist way of thinking.#I know it's subtle but it's really evident for me. And I didn't want to talk about this any further…#But by bringing actual examples of this I hope I can better explain why I think that b/sd holds nationalist views–#and that I'm not just making it up out of nowhere. Otherwise I fear I'd only come off as pettily hostile to b/sd in everything#That's it. I feel like I've been losing a lot of mutuals over my main recently due to not shutting up (sorry)#so I suppose it's only fair I lose them on here too pffttt.#Tune in next week for more bad takes#random rambles
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#ryuuji suguro#blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#ryuji suguro#suguro ryuuji#bon suguro#suguro ryuji#manga ryuuji#shimane illuminati arc#chapter 65#fuck it i'm going on another ramble#ryuuji has spent the last arc and a half deconstructing everything he believed about himself and his people#he has been floundering hard and struggling to figure out his place in everything#from the truth about his father and the fact that even with that revealed he will NEVER have the childhood memory of his dad leading#and chanting over the flames again#that is over and all his fighting and struggling didn't fix that and will never#then he has konekomaru yelling at him (again) and telling him to stop leading#(He doesn't. he says to stop trying so hard to lead. They'll follow him without him trying to shove his way to the front)#and his myodha don't have a reason to stay together either#and then the gut punch that is renzou's betrayal#and now he finds out it's all just another lie#just another thing he didn't know and wasn't trusted with#and it feels like nothing he has ever believed is true and that devastation and unsteadiness will lead him head first into the next arc
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flashbacks to dialogue that happened less than a minute ago are annoying and a little insulting for obvious reasons, unless it's in bad buddy episode 5 [2/4] and pat is having entirely serious sepia toned flashbacks to fifty seconds ago while almost shoving a set of drumsticks he hasn't even paid for yet up his nose. then it's brilliant and world changing
#don't mind me i'm just chewing glass today#when the architecture band starts playing at freshy day and ink says to pat hey isn't that the song you two played that christmas?#it's like yeah... but that's a maddeningly casual way to refer to an event that in the context of the series wide metaphor#is really more like their parents caught them making out in a closet. and then pran got sent to boarding school over it#and NOW pran is up there on stage playing that same song again. looking right at pat when he announces it. but plaYING IT with WAI#and not intentionally. not in a mean sort of way. because pran doesn't know#he doesn't KNOW that pat's been shoving drumsticks up his nose while being struck cold by Love Signs#because how could he. all he knows is that very recently pat was sighing in relief that pran isn't his rival for ink. because pat likes ink#pran does NOT know that in the (very short. more than fifty seconds but still very short) meantime#pat has tried to figure out if ink might like him back. pat has in the process accidentally figured out that HE might like pran#AND pat has tried to confess his feelings to ink only for her to go. very kindly. are you sure you like me that way? i don't think you do#(because he's the wrONG SIBLING. she likes the OTHER SIBLING. which is hilarious but a different thing to go insane over)#and it's like. pran doesn't know!!! pran is just having a day like any other. pran has Known forever#he doesn't KNOW that when they're standing there surrounded by guitars (it's essentially a gay bar. don't even get me started)#(because that's a joke but it's also not. not really. it is but it's not. you know)#!! that when they're standing there surrounded by guitars. pat is suddenly going OH. in sepia toned flashbacks to fifty seconds ago#when they were ALSO standing there surrounded by guitars btw. which is the point. nothing has changed but maybe everything has#it's the same thing it was fifty seconds ago but maybe it's not. maybe pat suddenly hears the music that's been playing forever#and maybe this is way too many fucking tags. i don't even think this is the glass i was chewing originally#*#bad buddy#bad buddy the series
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lloyd is so determined to not think of himself as a good person that the king of hell himself can tell him he almost certainly would go to heaven if left to his own devices because he's fundamentally a kind person and lloyd will still say he's self-centered and selfish and doing everything for his own gain five minutes later
like. you gotta admire the commitment at least
#i talk a lot <3#tged#the greatest estate developer#lloyd frontera#i have no doubts lloyd fully believes this#he really does think he's selfish and self-centered and doing everything for himself#but like. there's only so many times people around you can tell you you're a good person who cares about others. before you gotta consider#that maybe you are indeed a good person who cares about others.#i'm of the opinion that when it comes to doing good things actions are more important that thoughts and intentions#like if you're doing good things because you genuinely want to help and care about other people? that's great keep it up!#but if you're doing good things for your own sake and don't really feel strongly about others? that's also ok and you're still doing good!#and that's sort of what i believe lloyd thinks of himself except. it doesn't hold up to what he actually does and thinks lmao#like when push comes to shove it's been shown that lloyd *will* choose to be kind he *will* choose to help he *will* choose to be good#even when there's nothing for him to gain and no one to impress and sometimes even when it's something that could go badly for him#there's lying to yourself and then there's whatever lloyd's got going on#<- this is all about a webnovel with a giant hamster and a snake who poops steel btw
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Tsurugi babying his pitching arm
#changeman#he does like everything else right handed but pitches with his left??? dont ask me#ambidextrous king#anyway#he falls off his bike early in the show and hides how baddly he hurt himself#but hear me out#he's an ex baseball champ - an ex PITCHING baseball champ that almost killed a guy with one of this throws#and i dont think its too much of a stretch to headcanon him having a lot of grief and trauma around his shoulder hurting#leading him to hide the fact that he hurt it again#in turn leading to it never quite healing properly for the rest of the show#someone send his ass to a physio stat#changeman ep 56 - tsurugi is bullied into seeing a medical professional#i would also like to take a moment to discuss how tenderly this team holds their dragon like#i'm shoving fist fulls of sand into my mouth over this fucking team#*beating hyuuga thoughts away with a stick* PLEASE let me think about changeman for five minutes
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do employers realize that enforcing a work environment where you have to look busy is punishing efficiency and actively making worse workers or do they genuinely believe having a stick up their ass increases people's productivity. also tell me why during most of the day if i'm standing still for three consecutive seconds it pisses somebody off and i'm assigned the most disgusting task my boss could pull out of his ass but at closing if i'm still doing things that couldn't be completed earlier (such as cleaning kennels that dogs were in) it's all um you can finish that tomorrow :/ we want to leave :/ well you could try helping me then! since we all apparently despise working here and want to get out as soon as physically possible
#i'm so annoyed#it's not because i'm cleaning slowly either i'm just trying to do a decent job because . well honestly with that attitude idk why i bother#but i try nonetheless..............for now#its a good thing i just got my tetanus booster because today's disgusting tasks were moving a bunch of nasty ass panels around the corner#and meticulously scrubbing kennel bars during which i managed to scrape myself enough to draw blood#i must reiterate i dont mind doing nasty shit necessarily its the fact that theyre just coming up with random shit to get me out of their#way that doesn't really need to be done#like the panels today. it probably would not have taken him much more time to go unlock the gate that went directly between where they were#and where he wanted them and shuffle them over himself instead of telling me to carry them through the building and out the other door#getting all the dirt and shit all over the place in the process btw. and i shoved most of them through the crack in the fence instead of#going around anyway because i'm actually not a complete dumbass. believe it or not#i think the biggest issue is that i have god awful auditory processing skills and its making me look unbelievably stupid because everything#they're telling me is verbal. if this shit were in a book somewhere it would be fine#but its not so i just come across like i've had a lobotomy#was thinking to myself cant believe i got a college degree with this brain. but its because college is largely visual#me
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so i have 9 hours so far on ZZZ
i downloaded it JUST TODAY. AT 1PM. thats not normal
#this is exactly like how when i first played ngs i immediately got 8 hours on it on the first day#the fixation hits hard#thought 'oh ive been wanting to play this and i also need something to cope rn'#oh boy did i cope#saw my husband for ONE FRAME and went INSANE#I LOVE YOU ANTON. MY HUSBAND. MY GIRLFRIEND. OH HOW I LOVE YOU#I NEED HIM SO BAD (literally i need to pull him in game) GIVE ME HIM NEEEOOOWWWW BEFORE I GET ANGRY!!?? GRRRR!!!!did not#mean to put those question marks#marks of inquiry#bruh this game has sexy ass gameplay. I SAW IT BEFORE BUT IT FEELS SO DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY PLAYING IT#IT'S SO HEAVY AND UGHHDH IT REMINDS ME OF DMC A LITTLE#specifically dmc5#example: the Epic shots when you kill all the ethereals in an area#another example: anby's skill. that is literally a vergil combo#another thing that reminds me of ngs is how stuffy the game mechanics are#idk what i'm doing 90% of the time. i get an item. oh cool! where the hell did i get this from.#reading the descriptions of each item doesn't help because none of it sinks in 😭 it's like trying to read from 15 feet away#it's kinda like base game?? in the way that it feels like Everything has already happened and it's shoved in your face and you just kinda#have to figure out what to do#only this time i can't emote and pole dance with other people#oh to see anton pole dancing. /j#/hj :^3#....../srs :'^3 (i cry a tear)#i've been cooking up an s/i since the game was announced but i still have close to nothing. NO IDEA WHAT THEY WOULD LOOK LIKE.#huge ass weapon obviously. low hollow aptitude but they're such a good fighter that it didn't matter#i know my 'haha i've known this game since' shit is annoying but LET ME HAVE THIS!! I WILL FOREVER FLEX BEING A FAN FROM THE START HEHEHEH#anyway. anton. my pookiebear. my shnookums. Fucck yoyAAAAAAA I LOVE
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ugh I'm on my period. someone please shoot me in the head
#Also I'm experiencing a major NPD crash#Started last night#Dying send help#And Macabre is sick#I'm really worried#If he dies I'm gonna kill myself#I'm already teetering on the edge of life and death#Tw: last night I literally shoved a knife down my throat#i'm at my limit#I need my snail to be okay#Because without him all my other problems are going to consume me and I love him so much and I don't want him to die and I'm so scared#And worried and nervous and my OCD is causing problems and everything is fucked. I feel like a terrible snail mom and I love him and his#Brother Morgue so much. I'm gonna kms#I'm dying#Also if anybody has to unfollow me or wants to for their mental health that's totally fine#I won't be offended#I'm just really really struggling right now and I have absolutely no one#So I have to vent here#But please save your mental health
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#shouldn't have shoved aside the panic attack that was building last night#when I had to leave work during a massive snow storm#because that overwhelmed feeling carried over into today#and im exhausted and I'm about 2seconds from losing my shit but i cant AGAIN because i have to get ready for work#my shift starts in just over an hour lmao#and i feel like a raging bitch#all snappy and nasty#but really im stretched too thin#and im terrified#of not getting into grad school of this forever being my fuckin life#but also because my health is bad but my brother's is worse and i just watched something terrifying happen to him#(something in his neck temporarily dislocated)#and i just#im so SICK of everything being shitty#im so sick of our shitty medical system and how my brother cant find anyone to take him seriously and actually help him#and i go each day wondering if... if. and i can't handle it. and if i get into grad school I'll be leaving the state...#and if something.....#i know ive put my life on hold for my parents because im afraid of what ifs and my dad's health has ALSO been shit#(i love growing up with a parent that casually says stuff like I Wont Be Alive By Then. or When Im Dead-. all the time.)#and ive been terrified of leaving Just In Case. and every time my brother's health goes bat shit sideways again i freeze and panic#and I don't have TIME to panic or freeze rn but as im well aware the body will make you take a break if you don't make time for one#it's all BS & im tired & lost & i want so BADLY to get into this particular school but i feel Guilty for wanting to leave so fucking badly#idk what to fuckin do#☉#tbd#im gonna cry. or be sick lol. maybe both.
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