#I'm pretty sure at one point these two thought 'oh shit are they endgame? well it time to pull out all the stops'

[perrypixel]

The more I hear from others the Luz and Hunter’s VAs don't support lunter is laughable bc the way they were bantering and flirting with each other in Hunting Palisman like they really thought there was a chance that they were each other's character's love interest at the time of recording that episode

[kit-penman]

A slightly unhinged Interview with the Vampire theory of mine:

tw: references to episode 5 and also mention of suicide, nothing more than what's in the show.

Also; spoilers for season 1 and the Vampire Lestat (and if I'm good at theorising, potentially for season 2&3)

Ok, so, this may be a bit wild. But I've binged Interview with the Vampire and reignited an old passion for Lestat as a character. So, this is not unbiased. Also, a lot of this is a compilation of parts of theories I've seen circulating around the community, so I don't claim to be the originator of a lot of this, but also there are too many posts for me to competently credit here.

As much as I loved the show, and all the tiny details in Sam Reid's performance, episode 5 left me with some 'feelings'. I know I'm not alone when I say that that episode and that fight felt quite out of character. I mean, Lestat and Louis never fought like THAT. Sure, their relationship was toxic, but it seems very strange that the showrunners would call Louis and Lestat endgame when they've made their relationship that much more violent and abusive. Not to mention that it goes directly against what Lestat says about never showing Louis even half his power.

Plus the scene was shot in a weird way; the oh so rarely used first person perspective, the shot hovering over the city so far up that the background faded away...

Almost like...

It could be anywhere...

New Orleans,

Or...

PARIS!!! (Dun-dun-daaaa)

I HAVE SOME THEORIES AND NO ONE TO TELL THEM TO SO I'M GOING TO SHOUT THEM INTO THE VOID NOW.

So, I re-read the Vampire Lestat and re-watched the show with the context of that book combined with the knowledge of Armand hovering around Louis while his is telling his story. It provided some extremely interesting depth on Lestat as a character, the way that he thinks and what might be happening in the more questionable moments of the show.

I'm not sure how to put this, so I'll get to the point. I think Armand is manipulating the absolute shit out of Louis' story. I think three big moments for this are the fight between Lestat and Louis, the death of Lestat and the upcoming death of Claudia.

What I think happened:

I've arrived at the conclusion that I think that fight is likely real, but the end of the fight at least; is not in-fact a right between Louis and Lestat but instead Armand and Lestat. From what I've read Louis and Lestat never fight like that, but Lestat and Armand absolutely do. Particularly the 'dragging him along the pavement' was extremely similar. (Though, they never do fly up in the air and Armand can fly anyway... Though I'm pretty sure at that point in the fight, he wasn't able to fly anyway, since he was barely conscious and seemingly unable to use his other powers) I intend to make another post going into detail on this fight, as I don't want it to overtake the point of this post just being an overview of the theory. That said, I did read out the two fights (omitting some dialogue to not give it away) to someone not familiar with the books after watching the scene and they thought it was an adaptation of the Armand fight, so it's not just me. (also, that fight was in Paris, hence the joke at the start)

We already saw that Armand had likely influenced Louis to think he had Left Lestat for dead, Daniel was right and I think that Louis didn't think the death was justified, like in the books, and I think that was a big part of the Armand story making Lestat look worse. There are a couple of moments when Lestat's actions are framed very uncharitably; like in the theatre when they are talking before the show and Louis said he was trying to 'seize his opportunity to disarm me' but in reality, Lestat was likely reminded of the past, the theatre reminding him of Nicky, because he looks for a second like he's going to cry. It seemed more like a moment of sentimental vulnerability from Lestat to me, but I am biased. I think it's all part of a clearly well-rehearsed (as we can see when the interview is compared to the one from the 80's) effort to poorly characterise Lestat. (Something which makes sense since Lestat is the villain of Interview with the Vampire, but was re-written into a more nuanced and sympathetic character in the next book, so they had to account for people being against him for these first two seasons, but then routing for him in the next)

I believe that they are actually trying to sanitise the relationship between Louis and Lestat quite a bit, because if you look at what actually happens, like things that would be too big or unmotivated of a lie for the writers to write, he actually has a lot of tender moments, and the manipulations are cruelty are kept to only a few moments rather than weaved through the entire relationship like in the books. Claudia is a big part of that, they seem to be changing the relationship between her and Lestat quite a lot, I'm not sure how much of that is trustworthy, but one part that is obviously true is the change in how/why she was made a Vampire. In the book (and movie) Claudia was made because Louis was starving himself eating only rats and was in a plague district trying to find rats when he stumbles across a little girl and feeds on her in a desperate frenzy for blood. Lestat finds him and the girl and turns her to keep her as a constant reminder of Louis' guilt, so that he won't leave. But in the show, Louis is only kind-of indirectly responsible for her death and Lestat only turns her because Louis begs him, not out of a plot to force Louis to stay with him. This keeps the dynamic of Louis feeling responsible for her (though not out of guilt as much as because he wanted her to be turned) but now Lestat never really wanted her, so they aren't very close, she's just sort of in-between him and Louis. It's a little sad to see since Lestat was never a good parent in the books, but he clearly loved Claudia a lot. Though, they might be making Lestat and Claudia look more distant than they are because Armand has a lot of motivation to portray Lestat as hating Claudia.

Also, I almost forgot. When Lestat goes to get Claudia on the train- Antionette was shown in episode 7 standing in the park while Claudia is saying goodbye and I bet anything that she heard that Louis was considering killing himself and relayed it to Lestat, who then went to get her so that he wouldn't. That entire scene was very 'cartoon villain' of Lestat, like what a child would write of a parent she was mad at so it probably shouldn't be taken at completely face value anyway.

Speaking of which,

What I believe the motivation was:

So, in the Vampire Lestat, Armand is a reoccurring antagonist to Lestat. Lestat is not a fan of him (though he does think he's pretty, because it's Lestat and he can't not) and he is not a fan of Lestat (Debate-lorded his cult away, kicked his ancient ass as a baby vampire, had the absolute gall to be created by Magnus and born only a country lord (fake bourgeoise, they had to hunt to survive the winter) and, the worst grievance of all; he rejected him.) In the books Armand loves Louis, and travels with him after Claudia's death but Louis is unable to move past her death and it causes them to drift apart, clearly that has not happened to this Armand and Louis, so what changed? Could it be that he fixed Louis' damaged psyche by channelling that damage onto Lestat, so that he might feel as though he has closure? I don't believe this Louis knows that Lestat didn't come to Paris vengeful and get Claudia killed for standing against him, that in-fact, Lestat came to Paris to get help from Armand and was instead starved and tormented into saying it was her, by Armand.

How could it have been done:

Reading the Vampire Lestat has given me insight into the way that Armand treats people, even the ones he cares about and how easily he uses his powers to extract information, manipulate, delude and distort the reality of the people around him. I have no doubt that he has dabbled in the memories of Louis, making him a more unreliable narrator than the mere passage of time. Claudia's diaries are untrustworthy not only because despite how long she lives, she still has the brain of a child, but also because Armand has been tampering again. She is prone to exaggerate and dramatize with no thought to making a moderate and unbiassed account in her personal diaries.

There are two instances of Daniel pointing out that her diaries have had pages removed. The first was when she gets assaulted and the pages are torn, I believe that that was Louis being heartbroken and angry and tearing out the pages in the heat of the moment, he seems genuinely upset and protective over her memory, no reason to doubt it. However, the second instance, after Lestat's 'death' the pages are removed neatly, calmly omitted, Daniel says 'with a ruler' I believe that instance was Armand, trying to hide that Louis didn't want Lestat dead.

So that's mostly my theory for now. I'm still gathering screenshots and quotes from the book; I'm going to redo this post with a lot more evidence and probably better worded, but I wanted to float what I have so far and see if anyone had any feedback, areas that could use more elaboration, anything to add to the theory or counter anything I've said here. All feedback is welcome! I'll use it when I make my more polished post.

Also, just to be super clear, I absolutely love all the characters. This is my favourite show at the moment, and this is in no way meant to be unfair to any of the character, I'm just trying to predict what is coming since I can think of little else, and the next season is so far away.

Thank you so much for reading! Sorry if it was a little jumbled, just trying to get my thoughts out there.

[stuckwthem]

"my heart is yours forever"

[BUCKY BARNES FLUFF HEADCANON]

bucky barnes post endgame x reader

summary: bucky is afraid of losing you because of his nightmares.

warnings: sadness, post-endgame angst, fluff

authors note: hey! english isn't my first language, sorry for any spelling mistakes!

requests open! send me yours and i will gladly make it!

• bucky is a sweetheart and pretty romantic but also traumatized. A LOT. so it means he really loves you but is scared (say hello to commitment and trust issues)

• although you bring peace and comfort to his heart, he can't sleep next you, he's afraid of losing control while he's asleep and hurt you, so it's not unusual to find him sleeping on the sofa in the morning.

• you feel bad for him and also really wanna that he gain confidence again. hurts knowing that he's scared of hurting or losing you when you know he would never do that.

• so one sunday morning, you woke up without him, and for a while you felt your heart drop thinking he left, but then you come to the living room and find him wrapped up in the blankets, and clearly uncomfortable on that tiny sofa for his size.

• instead of waking him up, you go to the kitchen and prepare a big breakfast that he will like with some coffee, eggs, bacon and toasts. you miss something sweet, so you went to the groceries store and bakery to get some goodies. when you came back you find a semi-woke up scared as hell and worried bucky, sitting on the sofa with his hair all messed up in a cute way, but his skin is pale, and you could tell for a sec that he was almost having a breakdown.

• you leave the bags on the counter to walk towards him and hold his chest, going beneath his arm. you can feel his heartbeat going so fast, so you stroke his hair and his back, kissing his cheek.

• "hey, i'm here, what's going on, love?" you ask carefully. he close his eyes for a moment then he opens just to look to you.

• "it's nothing, doll, don't worry" he assures, but you squint your eyes, a bit suspicious, but you don't say anything, knowing soon, or later he's going to open up.

• "well, i made breakfast! just for you! come here, babe" you ask leaving him on the sofa to set things on the table. you sit on the chair, waiting for him and pouring some coffee on his cup, without much sugar, just as he likes.

• bucky smiles, looking to you as you're the most precious thing in this universe, and to him, you really are. before sitting down next to you, he kisses your forehead and messes up your hair a bit.

• "wow, all of this just for me?!" he observes the table full of food, not knowing where to start, so he just brings his cup of coffee, drinking the dark liquid while he turns his look for you. you smirk, a bit shy, and try to focus on your breakfast, putting some milk and coffee on your mug.

• you two eat silently, sharing some smiles and bites sometimes, he even brings fruits with the fork to your mouth. the man is IN LOVE. in every meaning of the word.

• "you're the best chef ever" he compliments on your cooking, even though was just some eggs and bacon.

• and you can't be more happy seeing him eating and smiling again, all healthy and strong. but despises that, he's being away mentally and sometimes pushing you away. you imagine why, but its hard sometimes to be worried if things will keep going all the time. bucky is unstable, yet you understand and try to help him.

• but y'all are almost close to the one-year of a serious relationship and hurts you the fact that he can't sleep or talk with you. he notices that you're lost in your head with your thoughts and your mood change.

• "something's wrong, darling?" bucky asks, approaching his knee with yours. you shake your head before sipping your coffee, brushing it off. you wanna give him time and don't wanna be intrusive even that you're a bit worried. "you can tell me if you feel comfortable, no pressure"

• "buck...i-" you sigh, scared and not knowing how to say what you need. he rests his hand on your thigh, trying to show you that he's supporting you. "i miss you"

• "but...i'm right here, what do you mean?" he raises his eyebrows, and you can see the confusion going through his eyes. a knot forms in your throat as you try to organize things in your head.

• "i mean your body it's here but your mind or your energy...it's not" you say, afraid to look his eyes again. "i don't want to offend you, i understand you been through a lot of shit and dark places. it's not fair to be asking those type of things, but as your girlfriend, i miss doing at least couple stuff, you know? you don't even sleep with me, buck. what is the problem? why don't you feel comfortable enough with me?"

• at this point, tears are forming in your eyes, and you're scared of making him go away.

• "i'm sorry...i shouldn't be breaking our nice time together...i just-" you start to apologize, but he interrupts you.

• "i'm afraid of losing you." bucky says, clearly sad and feeling guilty. he's looking down, staring his vibranium arm. "i've been having nightmares and that isn't what scares me, but losing control and hurting you because of them does."

• you looked him again. with your heart broken, wanting to take all his pain away.

• "you're not losing me, buck. i don't wanna lose you either but i'm scared because i know you have been pushing me away, and i promise you, i'm not going anywhere without you" you grab his hand, wanting to make him sure that you're trying to make him stay. "i know you would never hurt me, you don't need to be afraid. but if it's any consolation, i know how to fight. you trained me, big boy"

• "oh doll, i don't deserve you" he smiles through the pain, nodding as he looks up to you.

• "stop, don't say that. you deserve even more, babe." you get close, touching and caressing his perfect face. he leans towards you, looking deep into your eyes and grabbing your chin.

• "we gonna get trough this together. i love you" he whispers against your lips, moving his hand to your neck. "forever" he affirms, finally colliding his soft lips into yours, going for a calm yet passionate kiss.

• "my heart is yours, james. forever. i love you" you say, between the kiss, receiving his gorgeous and bestest smile.

• his eyes were shining as all the stars were in his steel-blue gaze just to admire you, and you knew at that moment, you could never let he go.

[canonicallysoulmates]

Just saw your post about the post phase 1 Marvel movies and the meme you used for CA:CW. So I'm here to ask and get you cancelled. What did you think about the movie? Are you Team Stark or Team Rogers?

........................................................I knew this day would come......okay, let's get me cancelled!

I hate this movie, I hate this movie with every fiber of my being. Watching it was torture, it as the longest 20hrs of my life. It was like living out one of those very confusing math problems I started this movie at 10am somehow 6pm rolls around and there are still 2hrs left! Coño cómo?! I watched this with my mom, and when we checked how much time was left we were left looking at each other like 'que carajo what twilight zone bullshit is this?' It's one of those Marvel movies that I am so glad I did not waste my money on, I wish I could get a refund for my time but I made my choice and I shall now have to deal with it.

I hate this movie for many reasons but I'm not gonna make y'all wait any longer for what you're really here for because I know what y'all really want to know is whether I am Team Iron Man or Team Captain America. When it comes to the political aspects ie. the Accords, I am Team Neither.

Now, I cannot get into a comprehensive debate about the Accords because the writers did a shitty ass job, in a 2 and a 1/2 hour movie that felt like a lifetime, at explaining what exactly the Accords are in the movie universe. Emphasis on the movie universe, because I have seen debates go on in this motherfucking fandom where some people will bring up aspects from the comics Registration Acts but we're not talking about the comics okay, we're talking about the movies! And they're two fucking different things! And the movie did a shitty ass job at explaining what the Accords are, and that's one of the reasons I hate this movie: that it's so badly written.

But back to the point, which is where I stand on the teams when it comes to the politics, I am Team Neither because ultimately they were both idiots on how they handled this, and I think they both have good points like yes the Avengers and other superheroes should 100% be held accountable if they fuck up, the fact that they are superheroes and the "good guys" doesn't mean that their actions shouldn't have consequences but at the same time Steve's mistrust of the government and concerns that the team and others could be weaponized are also valid so I think they both have good points when it comes down to it and the smart thing to do - and in my opinion what would have made a much better film- would have been to come together and make like a counterproposal, decide on amendments, try to ensure they can get a representative so they have a voice on the table.

So, there you go when it comes to the Accords I am Team Neither however when it comes to the characters and their actions I am 1,000% Team Tony. At the end of the day he wanted to do what was best for both people and for his team, he wanted to keep the team together because he knew they were stronger together, and he was thinking long term not short term.

And then there's Steve who is an asshole in this film and completely lacks self awareness, cause there's a scene in the film after they've found out about the Accords where Steve goes "that's because he already made up his mind" about Tony and I'm just like bitch so did you, pot meet kettle, Rogers you knew from the get go that you weren't going to sign those papers don't go acting different and then like- here's the thing Steve has some very good points when it comes to the Accords but one of his points is that the UN is filled with people with agendas and agendas change which true but also motherfucker you yourself have an agenda! The whole Sokovia mess is an example that they cannot be trusted to hold themselves or each other accountable because inevitably the time will come where they'll want to protect their team mate like we see in this movie Steve do with Bucky, or how he wanted to protect Wanda because he looks at her as if she were a child not an adult. Steve, you lot are not exempt from having your own agendas and biases.

And through pretty much the entire movie, he has this whole my way or the highway attitude like this man does not know the meaning of compromise in this film, and he has such tunnel vision for Bucky- and listen! listen, listeeeeeen, I get it, I don't judge Steve for making his bestie a priority; I understand that Bucky is incredibly important to Steve, that he's the one person who's gonna look at him as just Steve and not as the Steve Rogers, I get that he carries a guilt over what happened to his friend, I understand he misses him, I understand all of that and respect the ride or die game but goddamn he was so focused on being a good friend to Bucky that he forgot about everyone and everything else and was a shit friend to Tony.

Actually a lot of people in this film were shit to Tony for no goddamn reason but Steve was such a shitty friend not telling Tony about his parents, that was a shitty ass thing to do and listen! I know what some of y'all are thinking you're thinking some version of 'he wanted to protect Tony' shut the fuck up. No, no, that's an excuse and it's a cheap one, you know damn well that was a shitty thing for Steve to do and y'all know damn well you would have reacted the same way Tony did if someone who you thought was your goddamn friend knew about something horrible that happened to people that were important to you and they never told you; that kind of shit hurts, and finding out someone you thought of as a friend doesn't care about you as much as you care about them hurts.

And y'all know goddamn well how emotions work, you know emotions aren't gonna wait for the rational brain to kick in don't some of y'all go playing dumb as if you didn't know this shit. Same way deep down all of y'all know Tony was holding his punches, that man gave Thanos a fight and got some blood if he had wanted to kill Bucky he would have. Don't none of y'all motherfuckers try to play games and act like you don't know this info.

Steve was a shit friend to Tony. Period. The least he could have done is have some empathy or compassion towards Tony when he saw his parent's being killed- and I swear to motherfucking god to the person who is getting close to their keyboard thinking of saying he showed compassion by not killing him back the fuck away from your motherfucking keyboard what did I tell you about playing stupid, this is properly tagged, stay in your fucking lane. Some of y'all be acting as if it were still 2016 and we're gonna be talking about that too, anon wanted my opinion on this film so now I'm going off.

Back to what I was saying, in some ways Steve wasn't a perfect friend to Bucky either cause he kept looking at Bucky and thinking of the guy he used to know but Bucky's not that person anymore, he's been through a lot of shit and it feels at times like Steve didn't fully realize that.

I hate Steve in this movie, I wanna punch him in the throat; he's an ass, he thinks he's above the rules, he's unaware of his own flaws, he might be a good friend to Bucky but that's it. I don't blame Steve though I blame the writers cause they're the ones who wrote him this way; moving on from Steve, I wanna talk about Wanda real quick, I don't hate the character of Wanda but I do hate the way she was written in this film, I hate that the writers expect us as an audience to look at this adult and think of her as a defenseless child who should be exempt from consequences, I hate that instead of actually doing something with her and exploring some interesting dynamics they just give her an AI boyfriend and a pinterest quote which sounds nice but falls flat especially considering she says said quote as she uses her powers (which is what people are afraid of) to send her love interest down several floors of a building. They could have done so many cool and interesting things with her, shame they didn't.

Another thing I hate about this film is what it did to the fandom, and how it was promoted because it was very much promoted as a pick your fighter, pick a side type of movie and after this movie came out I feel like the divide between Tony fans and Steve fans grew toxically and the effects are still seen to this day like some people really do be acting as if it were still 2016 and attacking others for what side they went with or for who their fav between the two is, and I'll be very honest a lot of the hate I have seen has been directed towards Tony and Tony fans. I hate that, I hate when TPTB deliberately pits fans against each other cause it just encourages a toxic environment.

Let me think was there anything that I liked about this film- wait, oh my god talking about all these other things I hate almost made me forget the thing I hate the most about this movie: it's pointless. Its existence is unnecessary; the biggest aspect of this film isn't the politics of the Accords, it's Steve and Bucky and how far Steve is willing to go for Bucky and have him by his side...but Endgame exists. The end of Endgame turns this film pointless, because the only true point of this movie is the relationship between Steve and Bucky that's the biggest takeaway from the whole thing, but then you have the end of Endgame where Steve just leaves Bucky.

I hated this film before I saw Endgame but after.....I never plan to watch Civil War again but if I did I'm pretty sure I'd self combust cause I'd be so angry I'd scream every time Steve appeared cause that son of a bitch ends up leaving; tears the whole team apart only to end up leaving his friend behind in the end.

I hate this film, I hate everything about it, well that's not true I love the Tony and Peter stuff, but aside from a couple of things I hate this movie, someone give me time stone I'm eliminating it from the timeline.

So, there you go those are my thoughts on CA: CW.

In conclusion, I am Team Neither on the Accords, Team Tony on everything else, Steve I still like you but this movie demoted you in my eyes and makes me wanna punch you in the throat.

[dragonbugsuperior]

Something that I've been meaning to say about Miraculous's "Rich Girls".............

Before I even go into this, All you Lila, Chloe, and Kagami stans out there I suggest to skip this post, leave disgusting comments and I'll block and report you because I'm saying it now, that I will be saying some things about Lila, Chloe, and Kagami that aren't really pretty. If you like their characters "Yay!" good for you,

Nobody cares. grow up

So........something has been on my mind lately and I would like to get it off my chest because it's just been stuck in my head and I think it's good if I do make some clear points that clearly people are missing in regards to the show's "rich girls". So Marinette.....has been going through alot this past season and people are saying stupid things like "Oh wE NEeD a NEw LAdyBUg!"

Or "oH MArINeTtE iS teRRiBlE At dOiNg heR jOB!"

Let's dive right into this

I'll start with Chloe first. Chloe bullied Marinette. She has for 7 whole fucking years. Marinette has done nothing to Chloe literally. She hasn't bullied her, talked about her, criticized her, she has done nothing to that girl. But oh! Chloe is some rich snobbish brat that thinks everyone below her should be treated less of a human than she is. Where was her mom when Chlow started to go to school with Marinette? Also Chloe's mom not playing a big part of her life doesn't excuse her terrible behavior and awful treatment she has given marinette and students at her school. Just because her mom is a total snob and shallow person doesn't mean Chloe has to be exactly like her. It's okay for Chloe to express sadness and frustration but what's not okay if for Chloe to lash out all her negativity on Marinette as if Marinette has done something to her. Her parents have really failed her and she has failed herself. She's so full of herself that I'm starting to believe she's delusional. Clinging onto Adrien 24/7 at school like their some type of couple is already mouth-gagging. Like girl, he is not some toy that is all yours and that you can just cling yourself onto. I'm glad Marinette calls her out on her bullshit and handles Chloe's ass and she's not afraid to do so.

And that tacky ass makeup really defeats the purpose because it's makes her look worser than her personality. Tired of these blonde stuck up popular rich girls that think they can just overrule people.

Treating everybody around her like her peasants is clichè mean girl shit. I'm willing to go as far as to say she's a fucking narcissist. Having excessive interest and admiration for herself and treating everybody around her like shit as if she's 10 times more important than they are when in reality she's nothing but a spoiled brat that's jealous because she knows Marinette is better than her.

2nd to last....Lila

Literally 'lie' is in her name. She lies her mouth off and thinks she's fooling every fucking body. Marinette knows damn well she's lying and tells her up to her face in Chameleon. I'm sorry but her lies are ridiculous and the class is so undeniably stupid for believing her bullshit. Yea she's another "spoiled rich girl" her mom is present in her life but we know nothing about her dad. Don't know what happened to him and I don't care to know what happened to him. I know one thing though. Just like in Chloe's case, her dad being absent doesn't make it "okay" for her to be a two-faced person who can pathologically lie to people for personal gain. That's disgusting and weak of a person. She literally frames Marinette and corners her in the bathroom to a wall and pushed herself down the steps to look like she's actually injured. Her fans can try to shed all the light they want on her character but that's never gonna erase all the terrible shit she's done. And once again! Marinette has done nothing to Lila and somehow Marinette is Lila's main target. She lied about her friendship with Ladybug just to impress a boy. Her negativity she's trying to pass onto Marinette isn't working because Marinette is strong and optimistic. I can't believe she had fans, cough looks like a knock-off version of Dora cough. She's so stupid she really thinks Adrien wants to be with someone like her. A liar and manipulative bitch. lol

Kagami.......

"But Jen she's only been a character since season-

Yea I already know how long she's been in the show but that doesn't mean that I'm going to get her the benefit of the doubt. First time she met Marinette she treated her terribly as if Marinette did anything to her. Then again, people like to claim she's from a strict household so that gives her an excuse when it really doesn't. Secondly Kagami in general seems phony, Marinette is trying to be her friend and give up on Adrien just for her!!! and so she can grow as a person!!!!! Kagami chose Adrien over Marinette while Marinette gave up Adrien just so Kagami can have him. Seems like the only reason Kagami really wants to be friends with Marinette is because of Adrien. But let's not get into that.... In Animeastro she acted like she had a problem Marinette was talking to Adrien. I just don't get her at all. One minute she wants to be Marinette's friend (which I believe is completely fake) and then the next she's glaring daggers at her as if she did anything to her.

I don't even want to fucking hear "Oh but Jenny, Marinette didn't confes- SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. Marinette has tried time after time to confess she's always getting interrupted. Kagami thinks of Adrien like some prize to win all for herself after only knowing him for not too long. Give me a break then she's the one who got akumatized over a fucking picture instead of asking Adrien "hey, what's this?" She got salty and got akumatized. In Frozer, Adrien told her that he had feelings for someone else, she jumped to conclusions and thought it was fucking Marinette and suggested him to "switch targets" he told her he wouldn't and she still pushes him to literally kissing him and then getting mad because he rejected it. Girl! Did he not fucking say that he has feelings for another girl and he won't be switching targets. She's really that desperate that she's telling Adrien to get over that other girl, and she's so fucking desperate she tried to kiss him then got mad when he didn't kiss her back. Let's not forget she literally cut out the fencing class picture and left Adrien and herself out. Then she gave us a little "insight" on how she views Adrien in Oni-Chan. "Image of Perfection" she likes Adrien because he's perfect? That's funny. Because for 1, he's not nobody is and for 2 that's a stupid reason to like somebody. Let's not also forget when she literally lied in Miracle Queen about the villain attacking people in love. She knows Adrien likes somebody else so why is she trying so hard to push into being with her? Desperate much? "We're so alike" and Kagami really believes their soulmates? She should just shut the fuck up. She sounds stupid as fuck. How are you "soulmates" with someone you just met not too long ago. Bless her delusional soul. After he rejected her kiss and only knowing him for 2 seasons. Liiiiike......are you that desperate for a boy. I can't wait to see her reaction to when Adrien dates Marinette. Lmao

It's so funny how all these girls think Adrien's theirs when in reality Marinette is his true soulmate and is gonna end up with him in the end. Adrienette is literally endgame. There's no need for people like Chloe, Lila, and Kagami to get on the way of that. It's also funny how people like to claim Marinette as the possessive one when all these rich spoiled brats have gotten akumatized over him, cling onto him like he's some coat rack, and go out their way to make Marinette feel terrible. And marinette has given Adrien up. The only real clear reason I can see the 3 of them act bitchy towards marinette without a reason would be because they're jealous and don't have the best lives at home and wish to be like marinette.

If I'm not mistaken who's the one that got bullied for 7 years straight and tries her very best to be strong? Who's the one that literally got sexually harassed by Felix? Who's the one who has anxiety? Who's the one who has pressure and responsibilities hunched all over their shoulders? Who's the one that has go around every fucking day to save their city? Oh okay. Everybody always wants to talk about how tough they are without actually going through some real shit. Because I don't recall Lila, Chloe or Kagami going through any of these things while treating Marinette like shit. Kagami is the one that lied to Adrien, Kagami is the one that treated Marinette like crap, Kagami is the one that pushed Adrien after he said he had feelings for someone else /this b*tch didn't even wait/, Kagami is the one that is acting like Lila and Chloe. Let Marinette act like how Kagami did, I'm pretty sure she would've got bashed.

Once they go through all that bullshit then we can chit chat until then, they don't know what struggle is. Spoiled ass brats who clearly don't deserve Adrien because they're immature. They think Adrien's "theirs" they pushed themselves on him as if they can't live without him and they do sneaky shit in order to be with him. Lila and Kagami have clearly showed they would lie to get with him and Chloe does too. Marinette has the courage to let Adrien go, I'm pretty sure if the shoe was on the other foot Kagami would never let Adrien go.

And before people go around saying how it's their parents fault they act do toxically and immature (bc ppl like to give them excuses for their "mommy and daddy" issues) it's really not. Yes, it's partially their parents because they raised them but they also have a big role for their actions. No body is responsible for making Chloe, Lila, or Kagami a better person. No body. Stop putting the blame all on their parents because it's not just the parents I'm pretty sure Tomoe didn't teach Kagami to "lie" in order to get with a boy. Kagami chose to lie to Adrien in Miracle Queen with her own free will. Nobody said "lie to Adrien" Kagami lied that's her fault Nobody told Chloe to bully and belittle Marinette, Audrey is very shallow and brat-like but I don't recall her ever saying "Chloe bully Marinette" Nobody told Lila to constantly lie and manipulate people hell, her mom doesn't even know she's doing it! None of their parents are responsible for certain shit they do so stop pretending like their innocent kids that have horrible parents. I don't have time to analyze if Kagami is like Chloe and Lila or not because I know she is like them she acts just like them. Treats marinette like crap but acts different when Adrien's around. Simple. I tried to give her character a chance in Oni-Chan but after hearing how she views Adrien and how she acted in Miracle Queen I hated her even more than I did before.

Truth be told, Chloe, Lila, nor Kagami are nothing without Adrien. If we're really gonna go there. Their just some pointless characters that want to get in the way of things and can't stay in their places. Marinette made this show, she's the center of the plot, without her their is no Chloe, without her there is no Lila, without her there is no Kagami.

Call me absent-minded but I see alot of jealous hoes and I'm not with that shit at all. Sorry not sorry

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 17 - watching notes

Okay ... here we go. I'm dreading this a bit

And I still miss Lan Wangji 😔

Okay wait. I know it's hard to remember because this goes on for like 20 (?) Episodes, but this is still a flashback. So technically, wwx's memory flashback is a flashback within a flashback. This show, man...

Oh no, 3 minutes into the episode and I'm emo again 😥

New preferred endgame btw: wwx brews Hefeng Liquor near a beautiful lake in the mountains. Lan Wangji lives there with him, but since cloud recess is nearby, can still go there daily to fulfil his duties. They go on night-hunts together whenever possible and are the adoptive dads of about a dozen Lan disciples. How close am I? 😁 (Rhetorical question!!! I don't want to know!)

Who gave Wei Wuxian permission to look so devastated!?! 😫

Or Wen Ning to be so pure, for that matter? 💚

Thos scene, of Wei Wuxian cradling Jiang Cheng to his chest, asking helplessly and in an almost childlike way, where they can go, reminds me of something my mother recently said to me in conversation. She said that, no matter how old you are, be it 15 or 50, when your parents die, you will feel like you are now orphaned. And the part of you that could be someone's child and be loved like a child and that still craves that love, will feel utterly and hopelessly alone. I'm sure you could make arguments against this, for example in situations where parents couldn't act as parents do before they died anyway (for example, abusive parents or parents who need care themselves due to age or illness), but I think she has a point. A part of us, I think will always crave the unconditional love and trust one (should) feel in early childhood. And while parent's death at some point in one's life is to be expected, it will still leave a whole that no other form of love can ever fill. The way the three siblings are reacting to their (foster-)parents deaths really drives that feeling home, imo. Jiang Chang's blind rage, Jiand Yanli's illness that renders and shock, as well as Wwi Wuxian's frantic attempts to hold everything together. In the scene I'm watching right now, he really looks like a child, and oldest sibling (even though I know, he's not. But he is acting like one), trying to step up and fill the role of the parents, but still, being a child himself, feeling absolutely inadequate, lost and helpless. And it breaks my heart.

Sorry for the long tangent, but I've got feelings you all 🙈

I ADORE Wen Ning so much 😫

*Nelson from the Simpsons voice* Haha!!! @ Wen Chao for being outsmarted by him

Aaaaahhhh!!! Can I just say I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! The fact that Wwi Wuxian once helped Wen Ning, which Jisng Cheng criticized him for (!!!) now saves them!

I love it how the music and the way it's shit tells us to be shocked when wen chao says "[I will] kill them all" and I'm sitting here going

So wait, has Wen Qing abandoned the rest of the Wen clan?

I've catalogued two versions of scary Wwi Wuxian so far: 🔥🔥🔥 and 😢😢😢

This is sadly the latter kind

Okay no, wen Qing didn't abandon the rest of the wen clan, but she still helps the Jiang siblings

Wei Wuxian continues to break my heart 💔💔💔

He's so desperately trying to hold them all together, even though he himself is breaking apart 😔

Wen Qing is a straight up badass and I won't hear otherwise!

Nooooooo nnonononono

This can't be!!! I KNOW jiang Cheng is alive in the present timeline

Or is he alive? ... I'm not sure I understand what's going on

(Quick aside: I'm pretty sure that wei Wuxian dodnt wear purple before. Now he does. A purple belt and a white and purple inner robe ... which are the Jiang colours... JUST RIP MY HEART INTO EVEN TINIER PIECES, SURE!!! 😭😭😭)

So he is breathing... and moving ... but something is wrong, right?

Okay so he isn't dead but he lost his golden core ... argh shit. And I thought that situation couldn't get worse. (In retrospect, that's probably a though I shouldn't have at all while watching this show :/)

But ... that doesn't seem right either from what I remember from the present timeline. Wasn't he cultivating again? I'm honestly not sure

And now, apparently, its Jiang Cheng's turn to crush my heart

Ok, I'm easily distracted today, bear with me: wen quing's talk about the wen clan's actions not being who they are. That they, fir generations, have only healed people, never killed really reminds me of how in Avatar: The last Airbender, the Fire Nation forgot that fire isn't only angry destruction, but also nurturing warmth, life and healing. The comparison kind of lends itself easily thanks to the Wen Clan's similar role in the story, as well as their fire and sun symbolism. Maybe Wen Qing and Wen Ning could also serve as this story's Zuko and Iro, reconciling the two interpretations and saving their clan. (This is wild speculation based on an arbitrary comparison. I'm probably wrong 😅 again, don't tell me ;))

Has Wei Wuxian slept, once, since he woke up in that field?

Oh honey ... :'(

He isn't eating either :'(

I did not expect this show to show this many varieties of grieve in such a realistic way

At least his beard is making me laugh 😂

Just the thought of Lan Wangji gives him hope!!! 😭

YOU COMPLETE IDIOT YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME

at least one person still has some sense

Finally!!!! Finally someone comforts him too! Finally he LET'S himself be comforted

Wen Quing helps him woth the research and now he brings her food. I'm soft! 😭

Oh oh ...

Is he ...?

Is he going to try and give Jiang Cheng his core?

WHAT IS IT WITH THESE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE IDIOTS????

AAAARGH!

(Lan Zhan ... where are you? 😥

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony 💚

[jbuffyangel]

Y'all are going to look really dumb when it's revealed that Maya is black siren's kid. Black Siren & Blackstar. Both have green eyes and blonde hair. & in the audition piece her character asked Dinah about Black Siren. Honestly this the marriage thing all over again. I'm going to laugh my ass off. You get what you deserve!

What marriage thing? When I said Olicity was going to getmarried and then they got married? Was that the thing? 

Because that’s whathappened.

I know it can be confusing since there were four proposals,one fake wedding and two real ceremonies. I definitely got what I deserved.No arguments there!

Maybe I’m thinking too specifically about this “marriedthing” because I agree there were some really funny moments on the way to thealtar:

Oliver proposing to Felicity in front of L*urel and sheapplauded.

Oliver leaving L*urel on their wedding day because herealized their fake relationship in the dream world was based off his realmemories from his relationship with Felicity – down to the damn wedding dress L*urelwas wearing. 

And then Oliver decided he’d rather live in a world where he had asnowball’s chance in hell of getting back together with Felicity rather thanstay in a dream world with L*urel living their white picket fence existence.

L*urel telling Oliver ON HER DEATH BED he was the love ofher life and he responded with silence. 

Of course, Oliver didn’t really have tosay anything. L*urel already wished for him to get back together with Felicity 

and acknowledged she knew she wasn’t the love of Oliver’s life.

Oliver telling Felicity, HIS WIFE, that no matter who shebecomes she will always be the love of his life.

That shit was hysterical.

You could be simply referring to general commitment too. Rememberthe time Oliver cheated on L*urel with her sister? 

Or when he cheated on L*urelAGAIN with Samantha (who was also her friend), got her pregnant and never told L*urel until Samanthashowed up in the damn bunker? 

Comedy at its best.

Or when Oliver ran for the hills every time L*urel mentionedany kind of cohabitation and/or long term future together? 

I laughed my ass offboth times he did it. 

The North China Sea and an island from hell were preferablethan a lifetime with L*urel L*nce. HILARIOUS.

Maybe the “wedding thing” isn’t the show at all. You couldbe referring to comments from the cast and crew in relation to Oliver’sromantic endgame like:

Stephen saying it didn’t matter if L*urel had lived. Oliverwould never be with her and it was always going to be Felicity on their show.

The showrunner confirming Bl*ck S*ren and Oliver would neverbe together romantically.

The showrunner saying Oliver would NEVER cheat on Felicity.

The showrunner discussing Emily and Stephen’s chemistry andhow it was lightning in a bottle, while acknowledging Stephen and KC’schemistry is a hot mess. (Friendly reminder you can’t fix chemistry issuesbetween actors no matter how many different versions of the character theyplay.)

ALL KNEE SLAPPERS!!!!! Completely agree Anon.

If you’re going to laugh your ass off about something itshould at least be what happened in the show. There’s plenty of stuff I gotwrong.

I’ll help you out. Let’s see… I said Tommy was Prometheus. That was a goodone. 

I also said there was absolutely no way Arrow would marry Oliver to theonly lesbian on the show. Boy did I miss the mark that time. 

Or how about whenI said that L*urel L*nce was going to die. 

Oh wait. Nope. That happened. 

Then I said the writers would never bring our L*urel back to lifeagain. 

Shit. That happened too. Well, I gotta get a few of them right once andawhile.

But why talk about the past? This is about the future as you say Anon and of course you’re right. Mia is clearlyBl*ck S*ren’s daughter. BECAUSE GREEN EYES AND BLONDE HAIR. 

Of course Hollywood’snumber one concern when casting a role is matching hair and eye color rather than finding the right actor for the role. Just ask Dakota Fanning.She played everyone’s kid. I’m sure she couldn’t even get in the door beforedocumenting her eye and hair color.

She probably needed a DNA sample too because we know the actors areactually producing real children to play their fictional children and thenmagically aging them 20 years. Someone should tell Kat McNamara that Katie isreally her mom. What a hell of an episode that’ll make. SO META.

It’s so sad we have yet to invent hair dye or coloredcontacts if this kind of detail is really important to a director. DAMN YOUSCIENCE.

I mean of course Felicity can’t be the mother because she’sa bottle blonde. Whereas Bl*ck S*ren, who you love to remind us is anexact replica of E1 L*urel L*nce, is clearly a natural blonde. Just like ourL*urel was. 

Oh. Nevermind.

It’s a real mystery where that blonde hair comes from withMia because everybody knows children are sprouted from the heads of motherslike Zeus and Athena. Women are asexual after all. The mother’s DNA is the onlything that matters in the creation of the baby.

You know what’s weird? I have brownhair and brown eyes. So how did my daughter get the most beautiful blonde hairand blue eyes the world has ever seen? OH MY GOD!!! IS SHE NOT MY BABY? AM ILIVING SWITCHED AT BIRTH? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *picks up phone to call police*

Hang on. 

I’m trying to remember my sex education. I assureyou it’s been awhile. I feel like at some point someone told me the father alsoplays a fairly significant role in the creation of a human being. Somethingabout sperm. 

My husband has blonde hair and blue eyes. So maybe it’s possiblethe man I’ve been sleeping with for 13 years impregnated me with thischild (if we’re to believe the junk science of sex education) and passed on hisblonde hair and blue eyes to her. THE MIND REELS. *putting down the phone*

So if Mia wasn’t sprouted from the head of her mother andArrow has embraced the insanity of actual science, I guess it’s possible that Miagot her blonde hair from OLIVER. 

Wow. 

But what about those eyes? It’s IMPOSSIBLE for two blue eyedpeople like Oliver and Felicity to produce a green eyed baby. Although, Iseem to remember my 10th grade science teacher saying somethingabout two blue eyes making green in our genetics unit. I also did a 5 secondGoogle search and some guys from the Stanford Genetic labs also confirm it’spossible, but there’s no way they know more than you Anon. I definitely think your dunk-a-person-in-water-and-if-they-don’t-drown-it-means-they-aren’t-a-witch kind of science makes a hell of a lot more sense than Stanford geneticists. If there’sone thing history taught us it’s to follow the science of 1600s Salem,Massachusetts.

But maybe I misunderstood again. Your word gymnastics is sotricky and smart. It’s hard to keep up! 

Maybe you just meant Bl*ck S*ren getspregnant by Mr. Rando. I’m sure we’ll see her love story develop any day now,since she has to get pregnant really soon for Mia’s age to make a damn bit ofsense. Certainly Bl*ck S*ren’s relationship with Mr. Rando will take precedenceover Oliver and Felicity’s love story. It’s not like the show is centered onOlicity, so I’ll be on the lookout for this impending great romance.

Genetics aside, you also alerted me to the iron clad proofof the audition scene!!! What would I do without you anon? I haven’t seen Mia’saudition scene, but if she mentions Bl*ck S*ren then of course it means she’sher daughter. DUH. Everything from the audition scenes ends up in the show. Question – was her name Maya in the audition? 

I did see the audition tapes for nearly every actress whoauditioned for “Tina” aka Dinah Drake. Those leaked everywhere. I bet theshowrunners were pretty ticked. I’m still waiting for the writers to introduceCarlos or dive into Dinah’s service with the Marine Corps. It’s almost like theyput things in the audition scene that don’t end up on the show to throw peopleoff. Ya know, in case the scene leaks.

I remember when people thought there was a chemistry testbetween Stephen (Oliver) and the actress playing Tina (Dinah) in her audition.Everyone freaked out. Olicity was over! Oliver Queen was going to end up withthe new Bl*ck C*nary, which of course is exactly what happened in the show.

Damn it! I’m wrong again!

I really need to rewatch seasons.

Funny enough the snip it of dialogue from the audition scene for Tina did end up in an episode of Arrow. But the scene was betweenDinah and Diggle. 

So weird. It’s almost like they screen tested chemistry withanother actor. But God knows that wouldn’t happen because obviously Oliver isending up with some kind of C*nary.

I know what I’m about to say is insanity, but maybe Bl*ckS*ren was mentioned in the audition scene as a diversion. It could actually beproof Mia’s character has nothing to do with Bl*ck S*ren at all. I’ll be sureto ask the writers once Carlos shows up. It’ll be any day now.

And last, but certainly not least, Bl*ck Siren and Blackstar both have the name BLACK. Does this also mean she’s Dinah and Zoe’s baby? Because they have black in their code names too . Oooh maybe Dinah and Bl*ck Siren get married!!! I do love a good wedding theory. If William ever gets a code name he better make sure it has GREEN in it so people know who the hell he is. That’s the point of a code name right? Damn. Bl*ck S*ren is CIA level. She’s so sneaky. I’m sooo impressed.

Thanks for reaching out and showing me the light Anon. Truly, I am grateful. I can’t wait to see how this response ages on Monday. 

[tuiyla]

Hi - I read your comments re Santana and Blaine’s sexuality. I am a Blaine follower, so I can talk about that pov rather than Santana. But I agree wholeheartedly with you regarding Santana, and I really don’t like the stuff I’ve read recently trying to ship her with Kurt.

Blaine - well I can’t see what benefit to the show making him bi sexual would have brought. Tbh, Sam pretty much dated or hooked up every ND girl and it just makes me think that all his relationships were pretty meaningless. Even Samcedes, it’s just daft he’s with Rachel in 6 when Mercedes is there, but that’s a whole other debate.

My fear for Blaine is that if they’d made him bi, they’d have written him that he’d have dated all the ND girls, and really it would have devalued the relationship he has with Kurt. It just would have reduced the impact of the Klaine story, and the value a lot of people place on it. Would it have changed Blaine making him bi? Well he’d have more relationships - less loneliness and self esteem issues probably, less devotion to Kurt, more midgames, singing songs to girls not Kurt - I think it would have changed him hugely. IMO, obviously.

Thanks for reading!

Hey! Thanks for sharing, like I said I always welcome different perspectives especially from parts of the fandom I don't engage with as much.

I really don’t like the stuff I’ve read recently trying to ship her with Kurt

I'm sorry WHAT--

It's one thing to ship Santana with a basic straight boy, another to insist she gets it on with gay guy Sebastian, and shipping her with Kurt just feels like a whole other level. Okay, wow, I know your point is about Blaine but I need a minute to process. Shipping the iconic gay and lesbian characters together is, wow. And even beyond that, those two, really?

Anyway, Blaine. Making him bi wouldn't necessarily have to come with dating a bunch of girls but this Glee so we know the writers would have done that. If Blaine was bi we just know Brittany and him would have happened for the shits and giggles. To a degree, I agree on Sam and your point on his many relationships making for example Samcedes feel less meaningful. I think Bram in season 4 in particular actively took away from the significance of Samcedes in season 3, because the writers were dumb enough to make him say he's "always had a thing for Brittany". I call bullshit, Glee. But my feelings on Bram aside, I think there is a way to have several midgames and your ch to be involved with others and for their endgame to still be meaningful. Glee was just inept.

So having Blaine be bi probably would have meant random plotlines with girls just for the sake of drama. I don't know if I'd definitely say it would have reduced Klaine's impact, we'd have to see how bi!Blaine would play out but I deffo see your point. It would have been different for sure and I like your point on how it would alter Blaine's character on more fundamental levels. Bi Blaine could have still been just as devoted to Kurt but again with these writers you just know they'd have thrown random relationships at him. I don't even see Blaine with any of the Glee girls, btw, like as characters I hardly see any that he'd be compatible with. Oh god, how would have the Tina storyline gone down?

Again I think there is a way to give your chs more relationships and midgames and still have their ultimate endgame be meaningful, but like you point out with the example of Sam, Glee clearly didn't know how to do that. (I have my own thoughts on Samchel though, I think that was fine actually but Sam essentially proposing to three different girls? Nah it just hits different the second much less third time you do that.) And also keeping in mind how shitty Glee was about bisexuality in general, it's for the best that Blaine stayed gay.

[lesbian-ed]

🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you. 

Mod M :D