#I'm positively crying rn I'm not even kidding

[theonevoice]

Now one thing about me is that my absolute favourite part of Dante's Comedy is the relationship between Dante and Virgil, and the absolute most heartbreaking moment for me is when Dante is at the top of mount Purgatory, among the delights of the original Eden, and suddenly a celestial parade comes forward singing and Beatrice's soul appears, and he turns around to Virgil "like a little boy runs towards his mom when he is scared or sad" to tell him how he feels:

"But Virgil had left us deprived of himself, Virgil the sweetest father, Virgil to whom I had given myself for my salvation"

And Dante is so, so, so sad because Virgil - who had been with him since the start and had always been by his side every time he was afraid, or curious, or sad, or excited - left without saying goodbye, while he was distracted by the heavenly parade, and now it's too late - he is so devastated that "all the delights tha Eve's sin had lost us were not marvellous enough to keep me from crying".

And I mean, consider for a second the theological implication: at this point Dante has gone through literal Hell and Purgatory and has been "purged" of all his sins to be ready to finally visit Heaven, and he doesn't care anymore because Virgil is more important than everything else. Even Beatrice herself. Even Heaven and the possibility to finally see literal God.

And now.

[sanaexus]

social's as kunigami's girlfriend

-liked by isaichii, mikka.kaiser and 109.6k others

kuniisuke: go to the gym with your girl they said, it'll be fun they said (it wasn't she didn't even do anything and then forced me to take this picture) tagged: yourusername

yourusername: stop spreading lies !!! such a hater ↳shiidoryu: exactly she's js a girl ↳yourusername: fr ☹ ↳kuniisuke: .. ↳yourusername: shut up ↳kuniisuke: I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING??

user1: how much are we betting thay y/n tried lifting failed horribly and then complained about how stupid the gym is and how she should be home rn sleeping ↳yourusername: oddly specific but ok ↳user2: a hundred ↳kuniisuke: that's exactly what happened. ↳yourusername: WOW ↳yourusername: i'm heartbrocken 💔💔😭👍🤬☹

isaichii: and when i ask him to go to the gym with me, it's "distracting" 💔💔 ↳kuniisuke: it is. ↳isaichii: AND GOING WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ISN'T?? ↳kuniisuke: it is, but i dislike sleeping on the couch so ↳yourusername: false allegations.

reo.miikage: did y/n grow taller or am i tripping. ↳nagi.seishiro: you're tripping. ↳isaichii: defo tripping ↳kuniisuke: positive that you're tripping ↳rin.itoshi: not possible ↳yourusername: fuck y'all.

-liked by reo.miikage, megubachi and 111.9k others

yourusername: i grew taller (i'm 6'0 trust) tagged: kuniisuke

reo.miikage: we'll all ignore the pole thing ↳chigi.who: what pole? ↳yourusername: there is no pole to ignore wdym ↳reo.miikage: mb

kuniisuke: sure ↳yourusername: wow ↳megu.bachi: let a girl be happy !! ↳kuniisuke: i agreed??? ↳yourusername: it was sarcastic ↳kuniisuke: no??

nikkoki: y/n in her manliest womanly era ↳yourusername: i agree (wtf) ↳nikkoki: i'm so smart (idk either) ↳karasu_tabito: shouldn't it be womaliest manly? ↳yourusername: beo 😭 ↳hiyori: wtf did y'all smoke bfr commenting this shi

-liked by karasu_tabito, ryu.shido and 121.4k others

yourusername: a very normal weekly dump w ig my friends?

tagged: kuniisuke, megubachii, isaichii, karasu_tabito, shiidoryu, hiyori, nikkoki

user3: this was the most random friend group but i love it ↳user4: i can imagine the drama already help ↳yourusername: i threatened to cut their balls off if they fought ↳user5: as you should

chigi.who: wow didn't even invite me ↳reo.miikage: fr like i thought we were besties ↳eita.otoya: like screaming crying throwing up rn ↳nagi.seishiro: went to the arcade w/o me ↳yourusername: stafu y'all were apparently "too busy" like 🙄🙄

hiyori: still surprised ryusei and kunigami didn't fight ↳kuniisuke: she promised me kisses ↳hiyori: ew gross ↳yourusername: stfu

kuniisuke: you're so pretty ↳yourusername: ily 👉👈 ↳kuniisuke: love you too pretty ↳karasu_tabito: i'm sick

nikkoki: can't believe i'm saying this but i had fun ↳yourusername you love us !! ↳nikkoki: gross

rin.itoshi: wtf the first thing i see opening instagram is kunigami is hello kitty pajamas? ↳yourusername: that's what happens when you fall in love ↳kuniisuke: i agree

isaichii: are we all gonna ignore the fact that meguru and ryusei stole icecream from a kid, fell into a bush, got stuck in the same cart all within 48 hours? ↳megu.bachi: yes ↳shiidoryu: yes ↳nikkoki: yes ↳karasu_tabito: yes ↳yourusername: yes ↳hiyori: yes ↳kuniisuke: yes

felt cute so i did this, this was js a silly thought im gonna make this into a series for bluelock characters so lmk which character should i do next!!

[h4ndwr1tten]

𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭?

characters — nanami kento x reader

note — this took me a long ass time to write. if it seems familiar to any other works, i requested something with the same plot on someone else's blog lololol. THIS IS PART 1 AS IT'S A LITTLE LENGTHY!!! dividers by benkeibear.

(am i posting this on nanami's birthday? yes.)

cw — not proof read, established relationship, kinda ooc nanami? like one mention of sex, pregnancy, strong language, arguing, crying, accusations of cheating, hurt/no comfort.

synopsis — the test results are positive and you aren't ready. when you try to hide this from your boyfriend of 5 years, he assumes the worst.

part 1 | part 2

this wasn't supposed to happen. it shouldn't have happened. you both took every precaution possible to prevent an outcome neither of you were prepared for — from condoms, to birth control, to plan b. it had kept you safe for as long as you started having sex. you never found yourself worried about carrying a life in you for 9 months.

so why now does the test read positive?

it felt like the world stopped moving. you didn't even know if you were still breathing. your heart had fallen into the pit of your stomach, your eyes wide and full of disbelief. you couldn't believe it. it couldn't have been correct. the 99% accurate claim on the kit had to be lying. there was no way it could've been true.

it took some time, but you were able to tear your gaze away from the test. you looked up to the ceiling, blinking away the hot tears you could feel building up. you took a few deep breaths and tried to swallow down the lump in your throat, your fingers trembling around the test.

you've thought about having kids before. you did want them, just not now. you were unprepared for this. how do you raise a kid when you aren't ready, when you aren't even married?

then it hit you — nanami's involved in this too.

the realization made you feel 10x worse. if you weren't ready for a child, you could only imagine how he would feel about this. his life was going so well right now. he was happy with his career and his salary, he was content with the apartment you both shared, and he was even more happy to be with you. he had his whole life and future planned out. he knew when he would retire and even what he'll do in life after he retires. nanami saw you in his future, you were always there when he would think of it. but would you still be there if he found out you were currently pregnant with his child?

you two had never fully talked about having kids together. you both were confident that you would spend the rest of your lives together. you've discussed marriage, homes, and briefly, kids. it was never a deep conversation — you only ever talked about having them and how many there would be. but never about having them earlier than expected.

gosh, you felt like shit. utter, absolute shit. you felt even worse for nanami. you felt like you were going to ruin his life plans. you felt like this would be the downfall of your relationship. and if it was, who knew if you would ever recover.

your phone buzzed with a notification, pulling you back to reality. you didn't realize tears had fallen until one slipped from your chin and landed on the hand gripping the test. you stood from where you sat on the closed toilet and checked your phone. it was a text from nanami.

i'll be home soon, my love. do you want me to bring anything home?

he was so caring. always considering you, always putting you first. you couldn't help but feel even more guilty.

hi ken. could you get some takeout pls? i'm sorry, i'm not in the mood to be cooking rn.

of course. want anything specific? are you feeling alright?

i'm fine. you can choose tonight :)

alright then. i'll be home soon, i love you ❤️

i love you too 💕

you shut your phone off and placed it back on the counter, screen facing down. you felt horrible — he was always thinking of your needs before his. would this end now that your carrying his child? certainly he wouldn't want to have to worry about another person in his life at the moment. you wouldn't want him to worry.

you stood from the toilet seat, about to leave the restroom when you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. your face was bright pink and red, your eyes also red but not super puffy and swollen. some people might think it was allergies, but not nanami. nanami wasn't some people — he knew you better than anyone, perhaps even yourself. he could see right through you, read you like a book. you began to worry what he would say if the pigment in your face didn't fade in time, if he would ask if you had been crying.

what would you say if he did ask? he knows you so well, it's nearly impossible to lie to the man. you could say you were rewatching your favorite show and got emotional, or reading another chapter or more of the book he bought you the other day. but nanami isn't dumb. he would catch on before you could even finish your excuse, he'd know something's up.

you sighed, inhaling and exhaling deeply. you didn't know how this was going to play out. you didn't know how to act or what to say to nanami when he came home. you were just hoping for the best.

the lock on the door clicked once, twice, and then the door opened. you had been in your shared bedroom, watching some corny rom-com to ease your mind. you had hidden any evidence of the pregnancy test. you threw away the box and instructions, then threw out the trash bag you tossed them in. you kept the test, however, and hid it in your purse that was now laying on your bed. nanami wasn't one to snoop. if he wanted to check something of yours, he would ask permission. and if you didn't grant it, he would respect your boundaries like he always does.

"my love?" you heard nanami's voice echo throughout the apartment. normally, you would've been waiting by the door for him and greeted him excitedly, but for obvious reasons, you weren't.

leaving the bedroom and walking to nanami, who was walking in the hallway and you assumed he was looking for you, you gave him a small smile.

"hi ken," you said quietly, wrapping your arms around his waist instead of his neck where you usually do. you stood up on your toes to reach his lips, kissing them gently and not for long. when you pulled back, nanami leaned down for another, a longer one. were you ever going to get these kisses again if he found out you were carrying his child?

for real this time, you both pulled away. you still smiled softly up at nanami, but he was observing you closely, worry swimming in his honey brown eyes.

three things were running through his mind right now: why were your cheeks and eyes tinted a bright red, as if you had been crying? why didn't you seem as eager to see him after work like usual, wrap your arms over his shoulders and around his neck, and kiss him for more than a second? something was wrong. did he do something? did you know what food he bought and were you not pleased by it? were you feeling sick?

"ken?" you asked, breaking him out of his thoughts. "are you alright?"

"are you alright?" he returned, worry still plastered throughout his face.

you then looked confused, though you weren't, slowly nodding your head, "yeah... why?"

nanami stayed quiet for a second. maybe you were just tired, maybe he was overthinking this. but that idea didn't sit right with him. it was like his gut was telling him that something was up with you. but he didn't know what.

not wanting to push you, he answered, "nothing. i missed you though. let's go eat?"

throughout dinner, nanami noticed how quiet you were. if it were any other day, you would have been telling him about your day, the latest gossip, about the episode you watched or the chapter you read. you were barely even touching your food too. you occasionally took small bites, but most of the time, you were just poking it with your fork.

while he was putting the dishes away, you grabbed yourself a glass of water. that's when nanami asked you, "love, are you sure you're alright?"

"yeah, i'm fine. why do you ask that?" you replied unsurely, looking down at your water.

"i'm sorry. you just seem... off." nanami washed his hands, looking you up and down carefully.

that was another strange thing he noticed. you hadn't looked in his eyes when you told him you were fine. you always make eye contact with him. you're never afraid to and you're not one to break it so quickly, much less avoid it.

he was beginning to question whether you were really fine.

you had just finished getting ready for bed, teeth and hair brushed, skin care routine done. nanami had finished getting ready before you, so he was waiting for you by the bed. but instead of reading a book or even scrolling through his phone, his eyes were glued to you in worry. you could tell he was becoming suspicious of you, and you wished you hadn't made your troubles so obvious. your head was beginning to ache and you were desperately hoping that nanami wouldn't ask any questions.

those hopes were left unsatisfied.

"my love, are you sure you're okay?" nanami asked for what felt like the hundredth time today.

you sighed deeply. "yes, kento, i'm fine," emphasizing the fine. "my head just hurts right now. have you seen the tylenol?" you added, hoping that it would be enough to stop his questioning.

"no, do you want me to check your bag?"

you felt stupid for having kept an small extra bottle of tylenol in your bag. nanami reached over to your side of the bed, grabbing your purse. he had pulled the zipper open when you realized what was about to happen.

"no!" you yelped, practically sprinting to the bed and snatching the bag away from him. you checked to see if the bag had been open enough to see the test, which it hadn't, and some relief washed over you. but then you realized how much worse you had made your current situation with nanami.

fuck. i fucked up. i'm fucked.

nanami's brows were furrowed together, his face painted with a mix of frustration, confusion, and concern. he looked you up and down over and over again, gaze switching from you to your bag repeatedly.

"okay, y/n, seriously. what the hell is going on with you? first, i come home and you don't seem as excited as you tend to be. then your face is all red like you had been crying. then you—you barely talk to me, hell, even look at me throughout dinner! you touched your food like, what, 5 times? and then when i try to look through your bag to help you, you panic and snatch it away from me?"

kento's ramble had you silent. you didn't know how what to say, what stupid excuse you could use, how to explain your behavior. you only avoided his gaze and stared down at your bag. the thick, suffocating silence lasted for a moment longer, then nanami finally spoke again.

"y/n, are you..."

he paused and took a deep breath, as if to prepare himself for what he was about to say.

"are you cheating on me, y/n...?"

you were dumbfounded. in absolute, utter shock. how could nanami, the person who you believed to have the most trust in you, think that you would be unfaithful to him? yes, you realized how skeptical your behavior was. but for him to come to the assumption that you'd cheat on him? it stung a little—a lot, actually.

"what? no... no, of course not, kento! how could you say that?" you retorted, finally looking him in the eyes.

"gee, i don't know, maybe 'cause you can barely even look at me and you're very obviously hiding something!" his voice raising more with each word spoken.

you had no argument to counter what he had just laid out to you because he was right. you couldn't look at him for more than 5 seconds and you were hiding something. you eyed the floor beneath you, opening and shutting your mouth as you tried to think of something to say. nothing ever came out though.

a heavy sigh cut through your thoughts. you looked up from the floor and saw nanami shaking his head, running his hand down his face. he was so disappointed, you could feel his hurt radiating off of him.

"i'm going to sleep," he muttered, reaching for the lamp and dimming it. lying down, nanami shuffled into a more comfortable position, facing away from your side of the bed, and pulling the covers up to his shoulders.

"ken—"

"night, y/n."

you didn't know what you were going to say anyways. tears slid down your cheeks and the least you could do for nanami was keep quiet and let him rest. you realized that you wanted to apologize. apologize for the way you had been behaving towards him this entire evening, for making him doubt your faithfulness to him.

you slid into bed next to him, facing away from him as well. your body shook with the sobs you fought hard to keep in, nose stuffy and pillow quickly becoming soaked. you thought that the positive pregnancy test would have been the downfall of this relationship—now you wonder, will this argument turn these past 5 years into a mere memory?

m. list

[agustdiv1ne]

in no particular order, here are my favorite fics that i've read this year!! please show a lot of love to all of these wonderful authors <3 (also please heed their rules, esp for nsfw fics!!)

part of my 2023 wrap up!

@koqabear

um like. quite literally everything sol has posted this year. i am being so serious. check out their masterlist right NEOWWWW and read EVERYTHING

@blackhairedjjun

flowers of every color — i could rave about this series for like 10 hours straight, i'm not even kidding. it's sweet with the perfect amount of angst to really draw you in, i fell in love with every character more and more with each chapter <3 now where is my prince!jjunie :(

@tyunkus

amazon wishlist (m) — me when me when me when roommate!tyun offers to fuck me...god, i need this so bad

@jishyucks

gloves & dittany — OHHHHH how i love this fic...one of the best harry potter aus i have ever read, and with yeonjun?? slytherin!yeonjun!!!! ooooo you really got me good, op <3

bittersweet — *cowboy cat meme* DRUNK SOOOOOOOOOB i think this wins the award for being the cutest fic i read in the year of 2023

@beom-pyu

i can't swim, idiot! (m) — i will never not shut up about this fic...just faking married? with beomgyu?? with feelings involved??? yeah. Yeah <3

like the moon — merman!kai you will always be famous to me, one of my all-time favorites by far!!!!!

@toruro

answers (m) — this academic rival!taehyun fic had me screaming crying gnawing on my leg like wtf mika. how could you do this to me. i am dead now.

@hyukalyptus

something nice (m) — i went SOOOO insane over this fic like the dynamics were just. scrumptious. i love yeonkai i love this fic i love hp for writing this yes yes yes

like, never ever? (m) — ohhhh my god. this one really got me good,, dom best friend!beomgyu giving mc her first orgasm?? sign me tf up !!!!!!

@qqtxt

sway with me — i sent this in for their 1k event i just :')))) i love this so so so much!!!! dancing with yeonjun is my dream, so thank you for taking my request op!! <3

@hueareloved / @huenation

my love mine all mine (m) — the most tender and soft and SWEET nsfw fic i have ever read, so in love with this and sleepy lovesick jjunie AGHH brb rereading this

ditto — ohhhh how i love angst. amor's writing style is beautiful and it made this beomgyu fic that much more heart-wrenching <3

@huckleberrykai

laundry basket (m) — no bc this went CRAZYYY with the perv!mc thing, savored every single word of this kai fic tbh

comfy cozy (m) — CUTE AF. i am the biggest proponent of soft smut and berry writes it so well <3 i loveee soft yeonjun more than life itself

@aduh0308 / @banggyu0308

yeehaw (m) — OKAYYY cowboys!taejun fucking destroyed me like. i don't think i ever recovered from this

berry sorbet (m) — i need kai to be my soulmate rn wtf. cute n sweet and i loved it

@boba-beom

airport crush pt.2 (m) — the minute smiles told me she was working on airport crush pt.2 i passed away. nothing could have prepared me for this fic, it destroyed me in the best way...god, i need yeonjun so bad

trapped in your game (m) — i salivated. i quaked. i (s)creamed. best friend!yeonjun, please hmu </3

@napofamoon / @mazeinthemoon

you're the one love (m) — moonie ATE with this fallen angel!yeonjun fic!! i love sacrilege n this was just sooo hot

@tubatwo

workaholic — this made me giggle and kick my feet so hard...i love you cafe boss taehyun, pls marry me

@hyuk4ngel

honeymoon avenue — i. love. angst. and fay is exceptionally talented at writing it!! taehyun better watch out tho >:(

@mapofthemazeinthemirror / @afterbluehours

untitled (m) — this yeonbin x reader fic is SOOOO hot like. i screamed. i cried. i rolled around in a fetal position because it just made me so insane

@nightlyawnzz

duality (m) — OHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GODDDDDDD i think this is one of the hottest kai fics i have ever read in my entire life. i don't often see kai as a hard dom in fics so this opened my eyes (can't wait for the final part!!)

@scintillasofbeomgyu

you are in love — one of my jjunie comfort fics!!! sweet n soft and everything to me :')

@petrichor-han

twenty-three suns (m) — rain's writing style hits me straight in the gut, especially with this summer fling au with taehyun :') lovely yet heart-wrenching and AGHH i love this

@ncteez

untitled (m) — UMMM this camboy!yeonjun fic altered the trajectory of my entire life. i fucking die every time i read this, like it has to be laced with crack or something

menace (m) — this was batshit INSANE LIKEEEE gangster!yoongi fucked me up so bad (in the best way)

@yeonboy

never meet your heroes — ONE OF MY FAVS EVER. LIKE. COLLEGE AU WITH SOOBIN???? I AM SO OBSESSED YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND

@ijhyo

how to get the girl — i ate this up SO hard. i just adore both the mc and beomgyu's characters in this, definitely another all-time favorite of mine

@cheolhub

head (m) — SAR YOU WERE INSANE FOR THIS. sub!soobin makes me so feral and this made my brainrot even worse UGHHH

@starbandit

backseat (m) — oh. oh yeah. now this is everything to me, best friend!yeonjun + car sex = a very very happy me

@tonicandjins

learning languages (m) — i don't often read donghyuck fics (or nct fics in general), but this one. oh, this one is beautiful. it made me cry, it made go through so many emotions i just. read this right now, you won't regret it

@heart2beom

cliche — i still vividly remember this first time that i read this, the dialogue is hilarious and it is just sweet n fluffy n AGHH i will forever adore this fic <3

and some more accounts with amazing fics!!!: @majestyjun @hyewka @taegimood @naomiarai @hyuk4sbf @fairyofshampgyu @enha-cafe @moonhoures @wolfytae-exe @dearlyjun @heartchoi @sook9i @tinietaehyun @minastras

a big thank you to all of these writers for sharing your works!! <3

[helluvapurf]

...so uhhhhh, "Apology Tour" was... *interesting*-

Didn't even seem that long ago since "Full Moon" came out so I didn't expect another ep drop this morning, buuuut welp! Lets discuss:

First off just to smoothen things up a bit, The Positives:

-Animation & visuals were quite pretty, and wasn't expecting the whole "spooky Halloween" aesthetic at Verosika's party (tho that may just be the summer season speaking lol) but hey, I kinda dig it~ 👀

-Verosika in-general, I was super stoked to see more of here! 💜and even with her staying pretty sassy/bitter towards Blitz... its honestly hard not to feel for her once she & him finally had that one-on-one convo (even revealing that she did legit love him... but Blitz simply couldn't stay with her due to his own commitment/intimacy issues ;-; ). And even if it was technically more of a pettiness move to theme her party around hating Blitz... in a way, its lowkey kinda sweet how much she wanted to help others "heal" from heartbreak? Aww... 🥺 Idk, do I still wish Verosika could've been more of the "major" character focus here (as Fizzarolli was in his past couple eps)? Absolutely. But for what its worth... I had fun watching her as I did💗 (& hopefully this won't be the last time Verosika appears story-wise, cause oml imagine the bonding potential of her, Blitz & Fizz as a reunited trio lol)

-That one incubus dude that flirted with Stolas (+kissed him) at the end seemed like a chill dude. Even if he most likely won't appear again, his vibe was fun to watch lol.

-OH, we finally get to see Mrs. Mayberry again, sweet~! :> ...and, she's apparently dating Martha now? Huh, thats... interesting, I guess? .3. (*wonder what happened to her husband/kids tho, 'cause I kiiiinda thought they would've landed in Hell too ngl-*)

...aaaaand okay yeah, that'll cover the Positives I've got atm. Now for The Negatives... ohhhhh boy:

-I... guess I'm not super alone in this opinion rn from what I've read from other fans, buuuuut... Stolas can you shut your entitled-hypocrite-mouth up for five minutes, please?? 🤦‍♀️Like, I know the dude's still reeling from how "Full Moon" ended, so him being in a mixed mood is to be expected tbh... but omllllll the way he was just SO smug, dramatic and pushy about being the "good guy" in how he & Blitz ended (-as if HE wasn't the one who set up their whole "transactional" dynamic since the start of the freakin' show?? =_=), even whining about the events of "Western Energy" (-when all Blitz was doing was prioritizing his daughter's well-being at the hospital, like a good dad should), was just... seriously?? >> Like... yes, Blitz may be a whole mess himself with how he's treated others (esp poor Verosika 💔), but that does NOT make Stolas a saint with how he handled things himself. From hanging the Grimoire over Blitz's head, creeping on him again & again, practically ragdoll-ing the poor guy's feelings during the crystal exchange (not even skipping a bit when Blitz was close to crying), aaaaand not to mention...

...so like, tell me how I'm expected to believe Blitz is the one who needs to do all this apologizing/groveling... WHEN HE DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO STOLAS EXCEPT (RIGHTFULLY) CALLING THIS BLUEBLOOD BIRD OUT ON HIS BS?? 😑

*sighs* Sorry, didn't mean to get heated there but... yiiiikes is this show sending so many mixed messages of where I'm supposed to stand with these two, I can't keep up anymore- 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

-As much as I get what the ep was trying to do in having Blitz see past his own ego/apologize to others… Iiiiii'd be lying if I said I didn't feel just a tad bit uncomfortable at the increasing Blitz hate, throughout the party-sequence ^^; Like, I know he's a shitty guy who's done shitty things, and absolutely he needs to recognize how much he's hurt those like Verosika (& his other exes)… buuuuut tying into my previous point, it just rings rather unfair that most of this seems mostly spurned from him rejecting Stolas, of all people? ._. When… again, they were NEVER an actual couple like him & Verosika were, instead were just a simple once-a-month hookup deal that soured 'cause of Stolas' mess of a "confession"… y'all really expect me to believe Blitz is the bad guy for not immediately accepting the "feefee's" of a privileged, horny prince (aka: the one who did hold the Grimoire over his head since S1's "Murder Family")? …Ehhhh, sorry but I am NOT buying that crap lmao -x- 👎

[thatmaddogley]

Okay guys..this might be a stretch but I'm gonna work on a GlassHeart Future. So like my idea for when they start having kids is this.

A few years or so after they got married, Chloe has been wanting to ask Red about something for a while but she never brought it up because Red seemed to not like the subject from what Chloe could tell. And that subject was kids.

(y'all I might use that line in the fanfic xD)

Okay so Chloe finally has the courage to ask Red and Red tries to change the subject and stuff. Chloe is like.. "This is really weird.. 🤔"

So to not spoil it I'm gonna cut it short.

After a long talk they decide theyll have kids. Then they start making out and things get frisky... if you know what I mean

After they're done, they talk about how they'll start since they're both girls. Chloe suggests Fairy godmother because she could do like anything. And Red at first is like.. "That sounds crazy." But then eventually agrees.

They go to Fairy G and she tells them she can make it biologically with bibbiti boppiti boo.

So like a month later or so, she starts noticing the changes in her body and so she decides to have a talk with Red. They both cry happy tears and immediately run to get tests.

There are 3 positives and 1 negative so they celebrate and get an appointment to actually confirm it. Once they've confirmed it, they go to their mom's and family and they celebrate all together, with the moms giving advice to Chloe about the pregnancy and birth, while Charming tells Red how to deal with Chloe's mood swings.

Red is feeling anxious about being a mother. She didn't have a proper motherly figure in her life and she's scared that she'll end up like her old mother.

Chloe tells her "You wanna know why I know you won't end up like your mom?"

"Why?"

"Because you're worried you're gonna be like her. The fact you're worried and concerned is already a good sign that you're going to be the best mother ever."

As soon as Red sees the baby she's in love. For someone who hasn't lived in 16 years of her life, this is the most she has ever loved someone besides Chloe.

I'm gonna save all the pregnancy struggles and stuff for the fanfic so I don't get y'all too excited lol

So basically I'm planning to have them have 3 kids. The first one was born on time on June 8th, National rose Day and it went smooth.

I feel Chloe would be more of a caring, and letting them get away with things type? With her swords and stuff. And Red would be the one that's EXTRA protective. Not even letting the nurses hold them. But she eventually lets them after Chloe assured her that they needed to check them and clean them.

The doctors come back and reveal that that baby had some... differences. Purple hair and brown and pink eyes.

(For my Fanfics, I like to think Red and Queen Of Hearts have red eyes but when they were kids they were pink. Slowly over time it turns red, same for the hair.)

That's all I'm gonna do for rn, I don't wanna spoil the rest like I already have so that's it for now so you guys know what's coming. <33

[obsidianstrawberrymilk]

Hello how are you doing? What is your opinion about Tomura, Toga and Dabi?

Hello, I'm going good! Sorry this took me a second to respond to.

Dabi: I actually like Dabi as he is in the manga but I really don't like how the story around him has formed. I think a lot of people lost sympathy for Dabi when it was revealed that he wasn't the perfectly sad victim with torture porn people envisioned, which is disappointing. Horikoshi did this weird thing where he tried to make the LoV sympathetic by doing things such as have them kill a bunch of bigots and show them having genuine bonds and reasons for their actions, but then abruptly changed his tune and did something like depicting them as unhinged mass murderers, mainly to reestablish the whole black and white morality of the series when he was getting a bit too lose to implying there were serious flaws in hero society and the villains gasp had a point?! Anyway, I like him, but now that Endeavour is basically heading the Todoroki family plot, he's been kinda cast aside and made to take the blame for a lot of the issues they're facing rn when it's... literally all Endeavour lmao. Like I don't think he really had to be portrayed as particularly caring or nice for the narrative to acknowledge that he did have a point, and that similar patterns in the Todoroki family are being repeated again, with condemning him for being obvious about and exposing their dysfunction, instead of Endeavour for causing it. Also literally why did he need an ice Quirk as well the whole fucking point was he was an 'imperfect creation' why did he need that what was the point-

Toga: She's cool, kind of boring. Her character is pretty clearly based on some of Horikoshi's weird fetishes, but she's far from the only one, so whatever. I'm really not a fan of hers and Ochako's arc honestly - it feels like they're trying to queerbait without putting in any of the narrative work as to why Toga and Ochako would connect beyond girl and sure, Ochako might feel sympathetic towards Toga, but like her specifically? Villain hero relationships are cool because usually, the villain reveals a new side to the hero, maybe a foil that causes them to question their morality or the person they could have been (ex: Shigaraki for Izuku and Dabi for Shouto). Toga is... not this for Ochako, and Ochako is not this for Toga. Her implied backstory is interesting but I all in all think she's one of the least interesting League members and it's a pity, because we're not really given enough about her.

Shigaraki: I fucking loved his arc for a while there, then they ruined it. Seeing a villain who actually grows from an immature, whiny kid to a legitimate leader who even seems to care about his subordinates was fantastic, and his backstory builds up very well to who he is as a person now. Though, then they regressed him, bought in the inner child that's crying or whatever, and I lost interest. Shigaraki has a compelling character design, was a main villain who grew into the position which is rare, and his Quirk is awesome, and his motivation? Has merit! He had the potential to be a great main villain had they just let him actually grow past AFOs influence, like a mirror to Izuku growing past All Might. But well. They didn't do that. Imo they wasted Shigaraki - for a while there his writing was great and he was one of the best parts of the manga for me.

[julemmaes]

Always

Some tooth rotting Nessian fluff for you my loves since we're deep in the exam session and I'm a serial procrastinator (and also depressed as fuck apparently) and I can't find any Shatter Me fics that satisfy my need for fluff rn

Set in the The Seven of Us AU (masterlist)

Word count: 1,393

Nesta was perfectly aware of the fact that she was starring. She knew her husband would give her shit if he noticed her ogling him as he started his evening work out, but she really couldn't care less about it.

She had closed her book almost twenty minutes ago as he'd walked in their living room. Cassian had gone up to her, ran a hand through her hair to tilt her head up and leave a soft, loving kiss on her forehead.

She'd closed her eyes, hoping for more, but she'd been left wanting, her neck bent back as she faced the ceiling. The warmth of his hand still lingered on her skin.

"I love you," he'd whispered as he'd made his way to their windowless room—the space where they kept all the kids' too-big-to-fit-in-the-room games and Cassian's gym equipment. Nesta hated that room, it was so messy she tried to forget it existed half the time.

And now it was the easiest task for her, to not think of anything at all. Cassian was wearing a white shirt whose sleeves he had ripped off. His tattoos were in full display for her to admire in the golden light of the late afternoon, and his dark, tanned skin shined with sweat. The black ink moving with every push and pull of his arms, his muscles vibrating with the effort to lift the weights. And the occasional grunts and huffs coming from him were just an added little gift, directly from the universe to her.

She was exhausted and all she wanted to do was unapologetically gawk at her sweaty husband as she lay on the couch under her blanket. So that was what she was doing.

He was looking outside through the kitchen window, and a small smile blossomed on his lips as the shrieks and laughters of their kids filled their silent room.

"Cece! That's mi–ne!"

Nesta sighed through her nose and shuffled on the couch to find a more comfortable position, knowing perfectly well she wouldn't lift a finger if shit went down. Nevermind that their four-year-old had just started screaming at the top of her lungs. She knew if was only because Cal had stolen yet another of her toys.

They heard Ezra try to pacify his sister and meddle things between his siblings, and Cassian couldn't help his snort when Celia started screaming at him, too, to leave her puppets alone.

Nesta closed her eyes, basking in her children's sounds, absorbing every word and whine, every giggle and cry. She knew it wouldn't last forever.

They could already see it with Ezra, now only a few weeks away from his thirteenth birthday, his voice had started to become deeper and his laugh more... grown-up. He'd lost his soft giggles. When she'd first noticed, Nesta had almost cried.

And Cal and Nora had just turned eight and five respectively. Andra's second birthday was nine days away—

She shook her head, blinking her tiredness away, willing her mind to slow down and enjoy every bit of it while she had it.

It wasn't until she yawned that Cassian finally looked her way. The moment his eyes were on her curled up figure, they softened and he slowed down his movements. He stopped altogether when she rubbed her eyes with the back on her hand and dropped the weights to the floor.

She offered him a weak smile and his face lit up, his breath hitched, as he took two long strides to her side, crouching down.

Nesta looked him in the eyes, mumbling a silent, "Hi."

Cassian smoothed a hand over her hair again, and then brushed her cheek, cupping her face. His thumb was drawing short lines on her bottom lip now.

"Are you tired, sweetheart?" He asked her, his eyes locked on her mouth.

Nesta nodded, her position not really allowing her much movement. "I had the longest day at work."

"'M sorry, baby," he leaned forward, the tip of his nose brushing hers, "I can always give you a massage later, if you'd like that."

She hummed, pleased even just at the idea. His nostrils flared as he took a deep breath and kissed the corner of her lips.

"I would love that," Nesta said.

It was Cassian's turn to hum, and when their eyes met, she couldn't resist it anymore and lifted her head just as he closed in on her. They both smiled in the kiss and then Cassian was gone.

Nesta was stunned, still recovering at the quickness with which he'd moved that he was laying on one of the confusing torture machines he trained with.

"Gotta finish the work out first," he cracked his neck, starting a new set as he kept talking. "I'll cook dinner, put the gremlins to bed and then we can chill, watch a movie... take a bath, together."

Nesta looked at him, mirth sparkling in her eyes. Or at least that was what she hoped she was conveying through her exhaustion. He smirked in her direction, winking and opening his mouth to surely make a crude comment on their evening activities.

It surprised her then, when instead of getting a dirty preview of whatever he was gonna do to her, he whispered, so quietly that she barely heard him, "I missed you so much today."

She blinked and mollified, shaking her head.

Hopeless romantic, that husband of hers—

The loud, booming crack of Cal's laughter distracted her from her thoughts and the sound of the backdoor opening piqued her attention enough that she sat up, glancing at their backyard.

Nora came stumbling in the kitchen, tripping on the glass door.

"Watch your step, honey," Cassian said, before she could intervene.

Their daughter's smile was blinding. Happiness radiated from her small body as she jumped towards them. Her hazel eyes were alight with life, her whole head shone with sun rays embedded in her braided hair.

She was their little nugget of sunshine. And Nesta felt the strongest surge of love grow in her chest when she belined for her dad.

She threw herself on Cassian's chest.

"Hey, Nora," he said, wrapping his arms around her tiny tiny body. Nesta plopped down once again, holding a pillow to her chest. "Are you having fun?"

Nora started nodding so ferociously on his chest that her hair spiked everywhere. And then with the most adorable voice she said, "I love you. I always love you."

Cassian didn't hesitate, "I'll always love you, honey."

Their kid rested her cheek on his pec and looked at him, smiled. Cassian blew a strand of her hair that had gone astray off her face, petting it down and trying to braid it back into her complex hairdo.

They looked at each other for such a short time, and still, Nesta couldn't have asked for anything more.

The love shining there, in both her soulmate's eyes and in the eyes of that one fifth of her own soul... it took her breath away. Whenever she realised what she had created. What she had, what was hers and only hers.

She loved her family so much it hurt.

"Come back outside Nona!"

The little girl rose abruptly at her brother's voice, and without a single glance back ran outside, screaming over her shoulder.

"Goodbye daddy, I'm going out to play! Goodbye mommy!"

"Okay, see you honey."

Nesta recovered from the lump in her throat just in time before the door slammed shut and shouted back at her, "Love you, baby!"

Cassian had rose up on his elbows to follow his daughter with his gaze, a silly lost smile plastered on his face, and as soon as she out of sight he fell back down again.

He brought both hands to his face and breathed out a laugh. It sounded like his body needed to get all that unbridled love out somehow and didn't know any better than laugh it out.

Nesta breathed in, chuckling under her breath.

"That was so fucking cute."

Cassian's head snapped in her direction and she was surprised to find his eyes glossy, but still full of hope and love and gratitude. She smiled at him, her whole body softening in front of that picture.

"We made such a bunch of sentimental gremlins," he breathed out.

"That we did."

Heavily inspired by this reel.

TSOU tag list (if you wanna added or removed just dm me or send me an ask)

@swankii-art-teacher @gabtapia @illyrianshadowhunter @teagoddess99 @fromthelibraryofemilyj @ireallyshouldsleeprn @flora-shadowshine @chikraizyj @sayosdreams @moodymelanist @rowaelinismyotp @bookstantrash @light-it-up-lehabah @mkstrigidae @awesomelena555 @jahelyden @sleeping-and-books @my-fan-side @imagine-me @thewayshedreamed @simpingfornestaarcheron @duskandstarlight @perseusannabeth @letstakethedawn @the-regal-warrior

[l13]

ok so i’m not really into the pregnant reader whole thing BUT if ghosts s/o was pregnant and there was like complications with the pregnancy and he had to choose the baby or her who would you think he’d choose?

TW: talk of death/miscarriages

Oh daaaamn okay we're going there umm, this is such a hard question and i honestly wouldn't even know what I would do in this situation LMFAOOO because like rn as i'm thinking about it, i thought myself going 'get that thing out RIGHT.NOW. like there's no way i'm dying from this' yknow??? but i also don't want kids so LMFAOO that says a lot about me

but i PERSONALLY feel like ghost would at least TRY to respect whatever your choice was, but if you actually told him that you wanted the baby to live?? ooof he'd fight, and yell and probably cry. He'd beg and tell you that he can't live without you, that even with this baby he'd feel half empty so what was the fucking point? You were the love of his life and he'd be lost without you, and God knows he'd think about you every time he looked at your baby, if he'd ever go through with that decision

if the choice was his and you weren't able to say anything or tw!! were unconscious and the decision was just fucking thrown at him by the doctors?? he's choosing you 100%, no questions asked. Cause first of all you're in no position to decide so maybe your choice would have been to save yourself and no one would even know, and he's not taking that chance. And at the end of the day you could try again, you could still bring another life into this world

man i'm over here SWEATING like i'm all for angst but this was smth else (keep sending in asks like this LMFAOOOO)

[rambosgirl]

🦉Positivity owl reporting for duty! This was sent by a friend who wants you to smile as much as your posts make them smile. Please list five things that make you unique, four things you are super passionate about and why, OR three of your favorite memories. Feel free to send the owl to those who you feel deserve to smile🦉

Awww I love this!

Five things that make me unique:

I'm very musical! I play the flute, piano, violin, ukulele, and sing.

I'm in college studying a combination of degrees, Animal Science and Psychology

I got married young (barely 20) and I'm loving every minute! (I also want a bunch of kids but pregnancy scares me so we're not gonna for a while) (Specifically I want a bunch of boys and a few girls cause I think it would be ADORABLE to have all the boys be so protective of their sister(s))

I'm such a girly girl. Ball gowns, makeup, frolicking through a meadow, all of it. I also have a tiara collection that takes up MUCH of my closet.

This is kinda weird but like... I get my period every 3 months instead of the usual 1. It's ver interesting in a 'idk what my body is doing - ever' kind of way

Four things I'm super passionate about:

Horse training!! It's what I want to do for my career, and I just feel so alive when I do it. I love building connections and friendships without saying a word, it just feels magical in a way

My family. I come from a family of 7, and we're super close. I have a special connection to all my siblings and parents (who did/are doing an amazing job), I just love them all so much. I know good families are something not everybody has, and that really makes my heart ache for anyone who doesn't have this (If this is you, know that family is something you can build with your friends and that you aren't alone, and I love you)

Going along with the horse training, my dream is to have a family farm where I can run my horse training business but ALSO raise my kids and be at least a little self-sufficient. (you never know when the zombie apocalypse is gonna happen XD) I want horses, cows, and chickens, and I've recently been thinking about goats too... Oh, and I want a big garden and orchard! I love fruits and berries, so lots of those. And flowers too

My religion! I feel like it allows me to be the best version of myself I can be, and the people are so nice :)

Three favorite memories:

My wedding day. It was rough, nothing went as planned bc of the rain we had to switch indoors (I dreamed of getting married at my aunt's ranch for my entire childhood and it didn't happen) we had close to no decorations bc they were at the ranch, just UGH! BUT! The people who came to my wedding were the best, they helped decorate, my dentist actually became the DJ, and I ended up having so much fun with my friends and family. Not to mention, I married my BFF, and now we have a sleepover every night (yay!)

I don't remember much of my childhood, BUT I love every memory I have of playing Barbies with my sisters. We always had the most unhinged plotlines to our games but there was always serious TEA. Looking back it was a fever dream but one I would love to go back to.

Any memory of my old project horses. I built special connections with them, and I love them so much. Especially with this one spicy Appaloosa mare, I would be working with her alone, she was SO wound up, mean, fearful, just everything. But I kept at it and got her to a place where she wasn't afraid anymore, and spending time with her became so peaceful I can't even put it into words. She still had her spicy personality, but to be honest I would not change that about her even if I could. She wouldn't be herself without it. It felt like we were in our own little world. And while I taught her a lot, I feel like she probably taught me so much more (I'm crying rn btw)

Dang, I needed this, thank you so much anon!! ;-;

[svefs]

Besties frfrrrr

TW!: Cursing and mention of drugs ofc,We only besties for awhile, unrequited love, I'm to tired for this bs rn, Asmo treating us like a siblings, REJECTION FROM A MAN 😭😭, eventual fluff ofc, biggest plot twist in ur life,everything I write has crack, omg trans reader??????

Summary:Anyone would die to be in your position, childhood friends with Alice Asmodeus. Of course you had a crush on him but things only got awkward between you two since he rejected you. Of course you started crying since your long term crush rejected you but as a baddie you got over that shit.

-------------------------------

You would never forget the day he rejected you. The day before you moved away (to uh idk bro). Things have just never been the same. It's just like withdrawing from an alcohol addiction, but the alcohol is a demon👹. You swore ever since that day you wouldn't love anyone anymore like the way you loved your old childhoodfriend.

It's been so long since you've seen your hometown. It's nostalgia as if you started tasting drugs after you stopped it for a century, except you were actually gone for 10 years.

In those years you've been thinking deeply about your confession and have deducted that you've never really had a crush on your childhood friend, but rather it was gender envy.You came across the term 'Gender envy' in one of a lot of fanfictions you've read in you hellphone. Oh the things you would do to make it the holidays again where you could pull an all-nighter reading your favourite genre. I mean who wouldn't ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯.

After a long discussion, your parents decided to send you to Babyls during your second year. What you genuinely weren't expecting was your ex-childhood friend not recognizing you. I mean you can't really blame anyone since you cut your hair short. Some demons still confuse you as a feminine looking boy. Total W in your book tho.

You were surprised that the first person to actually notice you were a girl was a blonde haired boy named Shax Lied.

"You're looking fine today my lady," he said with his usual teasing tone."Oh wow, I can't say the same about you today," you retorted back while rolling your eyes playfully. Over the past few months of knowing this yellow haired gremlin you've made a friend or two. One of them was a blue haired kid named Iruma that Asmodeus always follows around ever since he lost a duel against him. Honestly, it made you wary of him since Alice is a prodigy.

During break, you were suddenly getting a bad feeling. One that you couldn't have just shrugged off carelessly. After awhile you saw Alice approaching you intimidating. He was furious for some reasons. A reason that would become known as soon as he slammed his hand on the table."So it was you Y/N!" He shouted furiously while you just hummed in agreement.

"How could you just disappear on me like that?" He said in a tone even more furious than the last. You genuinely felt bad for the people who were quivering around you. They must've been scared of Alice's fierce aura and his temper. It was like he ate a ghost pepper and needed to take a explosive dump cause of his red face.

"Don't you know how much I missed you?" He said voice breaking which took you back a bit.

Missed me? Is he serious? After he rejected me, he dare say that I left him? You finally glanced back at him."Excuse you? You're the one who rejected me"

"But that doesn't mean you can just leave me out of nowhere like that!, You didn't even bother telling me you were moving away!"

"Why should tell you when you broke me heart!"

"Cause I like you!"

"And I don't,At least not anymore" you said solemnly as tears feel from his eyes. You didn't want to see him again was the only thing you thought of while walking away in frustration.

As you were walking down the hallways you felt a presence approaching you."Yo! Y/N you good, you were looking kinda down," Lied said as he rubbed his neck." We could go play games at my place later if it would cheer you up." He said this time showing a toothy grin.

"Sure, I would love too" you said with a light chuckle.

Note:

And they kissed and got married a few years later and lived a happy life 🤩/hj

For @sleptrn and no one else!

[madame-mongoose]

I'm out of posts for the day (used the last of them reblogging your art and will do so again tomorrow) but

🫵

I would be very sad if you deleted everything and left, whenever you're away from tumblr your absence is Very Noticeable on my dash and I happen to like you and your art quite a lot, even if I don't say it much, for which I am Sorry.

It's really up to you, I have no say in the matter, but you are absolutely beloved here on Tumblr by myself and others alike, and I'll be damned if I don't tell you as such before you go (or stay. I Hope.)

Actually, your art was some of the first DCA fanart I ever saw here, and was a big part in inspiring me to make my own art. I remember once you did a picture of OOIE Yelling At Sun and I actually busted a blood vessel in my eye over it, not kidding! And then you started to post Wheatley and Marvin the Martian, characters I rarely ever see here but love to death, and it was nice knowing I'm not the only guy out there that really thinks they're Dope As Hell. Your whole thing about Marvin actually being fairly intelligent but kinda quick-tempered was hilarious, I've been sick in bed all day and it made me laugh even though it's painful and nauseating to even pick my head up from the pillow.

Your presence makes a difference, even though you mostly seem like you're just here to enjoy yourself, and I hope if you leave at the very least you take care and stay safe out there in the world, wherever you are?

And I hope this isn't a creepy or weird message to receive, I don't generally go off-anon, nor talk to artists I look up to so casually, and I hope you ignore it if it does creep you out, but the intention of all this is more to remind you that people are fond of and remember you (or, the you that you share with people here on Tumblr, that is. I have no delusions about how people present themselves on Tumblr being different from how they are in real life, but you mostly seem really damn cool) even if you're like, unaware that you've made any sort of positive impression on folks (you have. Wow this got long, apologies!!)

This made me cry. I've been trying to cry all day. This did it. Thank you. Sincerely. I wish I knew what more to say but. Thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart. You don't know what this means to me rn

[drag-me-kicking-and-screaming]

It's kind of scary how much I relate to "Blow my brains out" by Tikkle Me

here's me relating to every lyric. Like individually

note: I tagged this with autism tags because a lot of these things are about autism so if you follow autistic tags and don't want to see me rant about wishes to kms I suggest scrolling. Also extreme cursing

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my eyes - See the world through my eyes, know my experiences and maybe you'd have a shred of empathy that you seem to stereotype me as not being capable of feeling Lend you my hips and lend you my thighs - I guess this is the "step into my shoes" metaphor so. yeah I'll talk more on it later in this post I'm tired rn Sometimes I wish I could take a new shape - I wish I could switch lives, I hate this one Switch out some parts and become a big A - sAme as above

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my ears - Sensitive hearing makes me snap at loud people which they laugh at me for Lend you my thoughts and lend you my tears - Have you tried living where every single fucking day you have a fucking breakdown because you want to fucking die? Would anyone fucking miss me? You wouldn't. I wish you could know how it fucking feels. Sometimes I wish I could take a new form - I hate my fucking body Switch out some parts and become like the norm - I'll never be able to fit in, I'll never be able to be like the norm, and it's fucking awful

Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't have the burden of knowing the trauma you've caused me. Who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care - You don't pick and choose every word someone's told you, subconsciously trying to find some underlying message of hatred. Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't know that every night I sit in my bed and wonder how people would react if I disappeared, and you don't have the burden of knowing it's your fault Who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair - You don't think about the consequences because you know I've been beaten to a pulp and don't know how to stand up for myself Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I wish I could go back when I didn't know this about myself, before I knew my family and friends were fucked up Who fights to make changes and music and such - I can't though. This is the only line I don't relate to. Because everywhere I go I'm called an acoustic retarded faggot who should lay down in traffic, all because of who I didn't choose to be. Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I WANT TO ESCAPE. I HATE BEING AUTISTIC. THIS DISORDER RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE AND NOW THAT I'M AWARE OF IT IT'S BECOME EVEN WORSE. I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN All 'cause I happen to have some brain - I'm better than this. I know I am. Everyone around me tells me I'm better than this. Then why am I such a useless fuck who can't even get over my own stupid intrusive thoughts? I'm better than this. And yet I'm the only one smart enough to know that I'm not good enough for anything.

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my voice - See how much effort it takes to keep it from shaking? To keep me from crying? Lend you my heart and lend you my choice - I don't have either. I want to be able to empathize and have friends but even if I wasn't autistic I can't. I've been so severely ruined by the people around me including at home that I can't even trust myself anymore. So why the hell would I trust you? Please take my heart, it's been ruined already. Sometimes I hope for a savior to come - I don't believe in god, but if I did I'd pray every day for him to come down and kill me himself. Why create me to make me suffer? Please send a savior, to kill me or to save me, either is a positive. Who's got what it takes to convince everyone - Nobody would even believe me if I told them they were ableist pricks who bullied an autistic kid. Even if they did, it's not like they'd stop. It'd get worse, probably. Please, I wish they could understand, but they won't. They can't. They'll never understand how fucking traumatizing they've been to me and how irreversibly awful they've been to me.

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my shoes - You know that "step into my shoes" metaphor? Or whatever I never really got it, but maybe if you knew what it was like to be completely isolated and excluded since childhood for no real reason, and never know how to stand up for yourself or make friends because if those abilities weren't gone already they certainly are after my home life ruined it. Lend you my life and lend you my truth - I wish you could know. I wish you could relate. I wish you could understand. I wish you could fucking empathize but you never do. But you stereotype autistic kids as being unable to feel empathy? You fucking hypocrite! You're a fucking monster! But sometimes the truth is just my point of view - I guess it's just imposter syndrome. It happens to everyone, I get it, but there's always a voice that tells me I'm being overdramatic. I don't believe it, but it leaks into everything else; all my issues are selfish and ignorable. I just need to get over it. I'm better than this. Not what is real and not what is true - Nothing is fucking real. I'm not fucking real. I mean I am and you are and everything is but the panic that grips me when the water I splash on myself is lukewarm and unfeelable instead of cool and grounding tends to make me forget that. And I don't know why, it's fucking pathetic honestly

Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't know I'm autistic. You don't know the pain I've gone through, laying awake knowing I'll never be able to be normal, I'll never be able to go out with friends to watch a movie, because I'll never be fucking normal, and it makes me want to die. Who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care - You're so lucky, honestly. If you were autistic, you wouldn't be bothered by this, you'd be able to brush it off, you wouldn't be affected. Because you have a family who cares enough about you that they don't manipulate you at every turn they get. You have support. I don't. I'm ignorable and forgettable and useless. Lucky is she, who lives unaware - If you are somehow autistic, you don't know. You don't know the pain of knowing I'll never have friends, or a social life, or self fucking esteem, all because of this stupid fucking disorder. And that's not universal, obviously. So I'm just being an overdramatic crybaby, I know. Who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair - You've been so cruel to me. You wouldn't be bothered; you obviously aren't. Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I can't keep repeating myself, you get the gist. Who fights to make changes and music and such - I wish, I wish I had a passion that I could keep committed to. Every test I've taken told me I should be a writer! Or an artist! But who the fuck would hire someone as useless as me? Or who would read my shitty projection and words? Anyone can do that. Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I was diagnosed with depression when I was 10. I wish I wasn't. I thought I was cured, but I wasn't; maybe I was just trying to convince myself I was and lied to myself enough that it became true. At least, for me. But that's just a game theory, don't listen to me! All 'cause I happen to have some brain - I'm better than this. I'm better than you. I'm better than you. I'm better than this body, this disorder, this trauma. Then why do you beat me down, and why does it affect me? Why does this body trap me and suffocate me? Why does this useless fucking disorder ruin everything it touches? It's touched me. I'd argue I'm pretty ruined, though that sounds pretty cliche. Why does my trauma hold me back? I'll never be normal and it's because of the trauma. I'm not better than the trauma, or the disorder, or this body, or you. And I'm smarter than you. I have the brains to realize that but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a prick.

Lucky is she, who lives unaware - I wish I was lucky. I wish I was unaware. Maybe I'd be happier if I wasn't. Lucky is she, who lives unaware - I wish I was you. Not because you're better than me, but because you're blissfully unaware of my problems. If I didn't know my own problems, I'd be happier, right? Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I can't think of what else to write. I don't know what else to write that isn't just rants about hating myself and wanting to die, that's too unoriginal. Who fights to make changes and music and such - Read above, I guess, IDK Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I wish I wasn't, because maybe that would make it go away. Maybe that would make it not exist. I know my logic is bad but it's better than nothing, right? All 'cause I happen to have some brain - Thanks for reading this, really. I know most people will just scroll past but if you read the whole thing it means a lot. You don't have to interact but just. It means a lot. Thank you.

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Last Days

(Some entries from my oc Silver's "Book of Shadows" / diary, leading up to her death. The photo is of my actual doggo who passed away eight years ago. 🥺🥹).

'

24th June 2003

Confidence Spell

In a cleansed space, dress a small orange candle with oil and coat with mixed herbs, most notably rosemary, chamomile and lavender. State your intention before lighting the match. Sit and watch in a comfortable position while visualising the light glowing within yourself.

I did it.

I told them.

The spell worked, it gave me the courage to stand in front of them and finally come out. In hindsight I should have remembered to cast a ward of protection around myself for the aftermath. But Derek at the shop told me that focusing too much on protection magic can actually attract harmful energies. And, to be honest, a part of me wanted the drama. I wanted my family to give a shit, even if it was thrown in my face. Wow, gross imagery there, Silver.

I suppose it went better then some. Reading posts on some gay and lesbian forums, some folks have it a lot worse, especially over in America. This one girl's dad was a pastor (I think that's like a Vicar? We only ever called them that around my town). When she came out to him, he had her sent to some preachy conversion therapy camp and she ended up having to run away to live with her cousin, now her immediate family act like she's dead. Yikes. I didn't get it that bad.

My sister rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Sure you are. You're totally not just doing this for attention, like the witchy thing." And my brother was cringing like I'd tried to flash him or something. "How do you even know? You've not even had that many boyfriends!" Ugh! What the fuck?! What kind of older brother wants his sister to sleep around more than dudes until she "can be certain"? I've had enough experience as I need, bruv! Think he just feels weird now as I've probably ruined all that lesbian p*rn I know he's into after that time I used the computer after him and he forgot to delete his history.

And Mum? Well.

She cried. She didn't wail or scream or anything but if was kinda like the cry of a little kid who got told they weren't allowed to get some Pik n Mix at Woolies. I asked if she was angry and she just threw her hands up and said she was disappointed I wouldn't "at the least" give her grandkids. Then she stormed outside to smoke with my sister.

I felt so cold and numb afterwards. What did that even mean? How would being gay mean I can't be a mum? We've all watched Friends, we saw Ross' ex Carol be a mum, Susan was his adoptive mum, that could happen to me. Or I could adopt. Fuck, I want to be a mum, someday...way, way, way off. And anyway, she has a grandkid! I'm surprised my brother didn’t pipe up to remind her of that. It was just me and him left in the room and it was awkward as fuck. Bri and I have butted heads but I'm closer with him than Lisa, which is not saying much. Think my confession ruined whatever little sibling bond was there.

Shit, I wish Dad had been there. He'd have been cool with it. He'd have been so proud of me for being brave enough to tell them all and he'd have given me one of his epic bear hugs.

Except that's a lie.

According to Brian, anyway. When I mentioned Dad to him, he scoffed and said "You're joking, right? Dad was homophobic as shit. This the guy who refuses to watch Star Trek TNG because a 'poofta' was the Captain."

That hurt worse than any reaction the others had to my coming out. At first I hoped he was just saying it to get a rise out of me or just to be a dick. But the more I looked back through my hazy memories, I can recall those tiny little bigoted comments which as a kid you just don't care about. Because they didn't matter to me back then. All I cared about was that Dad was fun, that he spoiled me rotten, that he'd take me to McDonalds whenever I asked and to the cinema and Stone Henge.

I needed some air after that. Jess always provided an easy excuse to go for a walk around the fields to clear my head. While she bounded off after squirrels once I let her off lead, I sat under a tree and cried my fucking eyes out. Not for the reactions of those I got, but for the one I would never get.

Those breathing exercises Derek showed me helped a lot. The throbbing in my head died down a little. Chanting the names of the Goddess while I tried to focus on letting go of that useless worry over a dead parent's opinion of me.

It sounds awful but, given how many father-daughter relationships I've seen break down when girls reach their teens, maybe I was lucky to lose my dad as young as I was before he could truly disappoint me.

But either way, I did it. I'm now and out and proud gay (or bi, I'm not 100%, just definitely not straight) witch. Love me or leave me.

So mote it fucking be.

31st October 2003

And the fires shall burn, and the wheel of life shall turn, and the dead come back home on Samhain!

Happy Halloween!

As it's the Wiccan New Year, I guess I should make a resolution? I resolve to start living my damn life.

Ever since I dropped out of college, it's like I've been drifting through life. The few jobs I've had haven't gone anywhere and I just don't know what to do with myself. Actually, no, I fantasise about the life I want all the time.

A cottage in the woods. I wanna wake up and breathe in nature every morning. I want my own garden where I can grow fruit and veg and herbs for my spells. I want to be able to sit and read my fantasy books in the sunshine for hours in peace. Obviously Jess will come with me, I'm pretty much the only one who walks and takes care of her, she's my bestest girl. And I'll adopt three or five more dogs. Maybe a couple of chill cats. It would be so cool if I could tame a fox like that woman who was on This Morning the other days. Foxes are basically cats inside little dog shells, they're so cool. And I want a wife...I think. Part of me would be happy living alone with nature and pets but then I get this niggle of desire for someone to wake up with and appreciate all that beautiful stuff with me every day.

But that life is just not gonna happen unless I find a way to make a shit ton of money to move out of my town and set up somewhere in the West Country or Surrey or Kent etc. For now I'm trapped in this tiny shitty town in the arse-end of Essex with almost no bus routes. Driving lessons have all ended in disaster, fucking dyspraxia I'm blaming you.

Gods, please, if you're going to trap me anywhere for the rest of my existence can it at least be somewhere better than this?!

What few friends I had have all gone off to Uni or abroad. One girl even asked if I wanted to go to Australia with her but the idea of working in a bar gives me chest pains. Plus the spiders! Sorry, little dudes, I love and respect you but I can't help but get the creeps! I keep up with what they're doing on MySpace and MSN but a lot of it depresses me to realise how stagnant my life is. Not only am I trapped but I'm also lonely as shit.

LOL. Jess just rested her head on my knee as I wrote that and gave me the biggest saddest labradoodle eyes. Of course I'm not totally alone, I've got my bestest girl. And my deities. Enough to keep me sane.

Speaking of mental health, gotta remember to make an appointment with my GP about these headaches. Mum blames the incense and reckons I'm dehydrated. Says the woman who smokes like a chimney and needs a glass of wine a day to get through the week.

Doing my Samhain rite later but first gonna take Scarlet out trick or treating. Her little witchy costume is so cute! I know the whole hat and warty nose stereotype is offensive to Wiccan culture but OMG she is adorbubble with her little plastic cauldron! Can't believe she's nearly three, she's growing up so fast. Even if I never get to be the cottage core mum I dream of, I can be the awesome witchy aunt.

11th March 2004

A spell to attract friendship

Cleanse an empty bottle with incense. Fill with pink or white salt to protect from toxic relationships, cloves for friendship, cinnamon for happiness, lavender for calm, rose quartz and amethyst for healthy friendship, sugar for sweetness, a dandelion for loyalty, seal with yellow wax, carry in purse or pocket often - remember you need to leave your room to find those friends you seek.

I might have just discovered something really cool!

We're staying at my great uncle's house in Surrey for a couple of weeks to help him out while he's not well. Uncle Bob's always been a cool old dude, I wish he'd lived closer when I was growing up. Anyway he knows how into the supernatural I am and started telling me legends of this really old house literally just a twenty minute walk from where we're staying.

And when I say old I mean OLD. Like Henry VIII old, if not before that! He even has this book telling the history of it. Apparently the rich lady who lives there used to host tours but she's getting too old to do it now and has mostly become a recluse. There's all sorts of shit that went down in that house, some Tory prick who died in a sex scandal, ROFL, it was used for all sorts of soldier stuff during WWII, a bunch of rich folk whose names I still see dotted around the village lived there. Even before there was a house there were settlements were there were plague outbreaks and witch trials. Actual fucking WITCH TRIALS! I always wanted to visit Salem but screw it I got some history on my doorstep now.

And theres all sorts of ghost stories! Some dude who tried to kill Queen Elizabeth I got his head chopped odd and rumour is his headless body can be seen wandering the grounds. There's this famous 'Grey Lady' ghost who falls out the window screaming in the middle of the night. Some freaky creature like a wannabe Bigfoot roaming the woods.

I gotta go there. Sounds like it's buzzing with untapped magical energy. Just looking at the photo of the building, I feel like it's calling to me.

Honestly one of the coolest bits of history was there was said to be a stone circle which the house now stands on. Don't think I can get myself in there, even if I ask the old posh woman really really nicely. But there should be enough power around the site for me to call to.

Screw it. I'm sick of trying to find my own coven to do shit like this. I did a quick scope of the place while walking Jess and it doesn't look like she has much in the way of security. There's not even that high a fence around the wood. I can jump over that easy enough.

Gotta take the opportunity while I'm here. Uncle Bob might be being moved into residential care so chances of us coming back to this part of the county is slim.

Still got those mushrooms Derek's nephew gave me. Been really hesitant about taking them, I don't like doing drugs more than a little bit of weed and even that ends up making me paranoid and thinking the world hates me.

But he swore that if I wanted to properly see the gods, they were the best tool.

So tonight, I'm gonna sneak out and make my way up there, set up an altar and ground myself. It's gonna be like taking a bubble bath in pure magick! I got all that history and ancient energy as well as the full moon. Helped bake some cakes for Uncle Bob earlier and gonna take a few crumbs of the leftovers as offerings. Pan especially has such a sweet tooth.

This is the night I'm gonna take my life into my hands and summon everything I want. Love, friendship, freedom, excitement....oh and mustn't forget healing for these stupid migraines.

Jess keeps staring at me from the foot of my bed, whimpering for attention. Maybe she wants to play fetch. Maybe she wants to come with me. Should I take her? Hekate likes dogs so she might appreciate her there. And I am going into the dark woods all on my own. A lot of scary stuff has happened to young girls and women on the news lately. But they were children, I'm twenty next year! If I take Jess with me and she starts barking, it might wake the Button lady or her neighbours.

No, babygirl, best you stay here. It's gonna be boring for you watching me do my ritual high as a kite while I tie you to a tree. Once I'm back I'll sneak you up some chicken from the fridge.

It can be our little secret. ;) and I'll do a spell to make sure my best girl has plenty more years of treats and belly rubs to come.

So mote it fucking be.

[celestie0]

🪷 HAIII😅 I just returned and this was a terrible time for me omg. I acc feel like a loser after begging for jobs and applying every fucking where I could. Only thing keeping me afloat is that everyone is just as fucked, I know it's messed up but I'm coping hard so please understand😭

Job market is so shit for humanities students anyway and when even STEM kids are crying about no jobs being there that's when u know we're all getting stir fried in this wok known as capitalism.

Arghhh I hope everything was good on your end atleast lemme catch up with your posts! I snooped and saw you posted another gojo story AND you'll be updating kickoff soon? Girl thank you for feeding me. Lord knows I needed this visual nutrition after an ass-whooping equivalent of a month. I come starving, empty handed to you but with eyes full of hope and always leave this temple with a satiated heart. And pray your online sister gets this job pleek!

hiiii my love omg so happy to see you!! ou gosh i hear you, i know it's been said sooo much but it's so true the job market is ASS rn :(( nothing seems to be enough anymore, and you're so right, i think every new grad/recent grad or just people in general are really struggling...applying for jobs is such a draining process, i hope you're able to find some other things that can help give you purpose and ground you while you look for work!! as well as in general take care of yourself

yea literally one of my friends w a neuroscience degree settled for a job at subway bc it literally paid more than a lot of entry level premed jobs she was looking for 😭😭 it's just crazy how a degree doesn't mean much anymore without connections. sorry this sounds so depressing, i wish i had more uplifting words to share w you, but you're doing amazing and it's not your fault, it really is the system that isn't making it any easier for newer generations to transition into the workforce. keep your head up bb and i know good things will come your way soon :'') idk if it's any motivating words but my brother got laid off last year and was jobless for about eight months but he took the time to really look for good positions n now he's at a much better job he's really happy with :)) sometimes it really is just a matter of time and having grace w yourself!!

LOL visual nutrition is so funny to me haha as always you're got a stunning way w words and LEAVE THIS TEMPLE W A SATIATED HEART i've been entirely woo'd by you PLS. i'm so happy if my content can help u feel a bit better ab stuffs bb i literally run to tumblr to escape my reality too HAHAH. i'm rooting for you dear and hope things work out well for you!!

- ellie 🐸

[sol-draws-sometimes]

20-24 inclusive and 44

Oooo hello Anon, you're a nosy-nelly, but that's fine cause I love to talk! Tho strap in cause this is gonna be a long one! Questions can be found here!

20: What I hate most about myself

Oof starting off on a downer. I'd say it's my passiveness. Which some may say is weird cause a lot of people would describe me as passionate and on the outside I do appear very organized. But I just have so many things I want to do, that I just don't. Like, I want to learn to sew, compose music, archery, read books, play video games, watch certain shows or movies, etc, but I just... don't. Yah part of it is that there's so much I want to do it's hard to pick one. And yeah I have ADHD, aka the "I can't do shit disorder," where executive dysfunction is my worse symptom. But even if I didn't have ADHD, I still feel like I'd be like this. Also, it's not just hobbies. I had flying ants in my room, and I told my parents about it, but then I stopped pushing them about it and I just sucked it up for serval months. Or I end up going to Community College because I put off applications until the last second, and I am currently really behind on transferring applications for my BA. Or I'm not as informed politically as I'd like to be because it's stressful to me, but then I'm not acting according to my beliefs which is also stressful. That's not to say I have no initiative. I taught myself cursive and how to touch type in middle school. I started posting my art on the internet, all of my art has been self-taught. I took my mental health into my own hands and hyper-fixated on mental health for years so that I could be in a better place. It's not good to be dwelling on the parts you hate about yourself, but I do genuinely believe it's trait about myself that I want to work on.

21: What I love most about myself

Okay, something more positive! Uh, people tend to say I'm a very bright person, or that I make their day and I'm glad I make people feel comfortable around me!

22: What I want to be when I get older

Okay here's the problem, I want to do everything yet I don't know exactly what I want to be(I'm literally only 19), but I do know the average person has multiple jobs/careers in their lifetime(rn google is saying 12), so here are a couple I know I want to do!

Teacher: I've always wanted to be a teacher since I was a kid, and while many people assume I want to be a music teacher, I'd honestly love to do any subject. Preferably STEM or History, tho being a music teacher would genuinely be fun I'd love to conduct a choir. I think rn I'm more interested in learning about the world than learning about pedagogy, but definitely a job I plan to have at some point in the future

Museum worker: My twin asked me if I'd ever considered working at a museum last year, and I'd never had but honestly it sounds like a perfect job for me! I love history and science, I could still teach people, and I love going to museums. Also, the behind-the-scenes research or archiving sounds very up my alley!

Archivist: Kinda related to the previous one since you can be an archivist at a museum, but idk it sounds like the type of work that my brain would vibe with. Organizing and researching stuff. Also, it's pretty cool to be able to work with primary sources of stuff, like that's so cool! And I get to preserve information so that down the line people aren't crying about how little information there is about [insert topic]. (also haha yah, yah I like tma, hardy har, shhhh, that isn't even one of the reasons, just a coincidence)

Scientist: Pretty vague term cause idk in what field but I know I've always liked science! For a frame of reference, I would probably doing some stem major if I wasn't a musician. I had finished my science course my second year of high school, I didn't have any science classes for two years. Then at the end of senior year, I listened to Stella Firma and there in b/w sections where they had a scientist fact check the show was so interesting and made me remember I liked science and it's actually super cool! I'm hoping that next year once I transfer, I'll be able to take steps to at the very least minor in Physics and start doing some STEM stuff. Tho tbh I'm just choosing physics cause I'm good at math and astrophysics/cosmology sounds very cool to me. But finding @a-dinosaur-a-day on Tumblr made me remember my dino phase in middle school! I'm less interested in learning about individual dinosaurs and more on the big-picture evolutionary side of things, but the schools I want to transfer to don't have geology majors and I prefer physics over bio. Also, paleontology is a neat combination of history and science! Tbh, I'm still figuring out what I want to do science-wise, but I know it's something that I'd find interesting as a job!

Choir/Band/Singer/Theater: I'm a singer but I don't want it to be my main job, job, since I'm never wanted to be a super famous, but I do like singing and I'm good at it, so I could always make money on the side. Also I've also preferred singing in choir than solo rep, so if I joined a travling choir or band with an emphasis on harmony(like abba for ex), I think that would be really fun as a job for a while. As far as solo singing, I prefer musical theater so I can see myself doing that for a bit(even if it is ensemble since I like that kind of thing), and who knows, I am intrested in writing some solo music, but I haven't really done that

Composer: I want to learn how to compose music but I haven't. Oddly enough, I am more interested in composing instrumental stuff than songwriter music, tho I do want to do that. Or compose musicals, especially one in Spanish, that would be so cool. Tho I'd probably have to work with a lyricist. Even if it's not my main job, I'd love to do it on the side

Sound Design: Now this one you can blame on tma. I listened to the Q&As where they talk about Sound Design, it's absolutely fascinating to me, plus, if I learn how to compose, both could work pretty good together!

Art: Idk if I want to be an artist for a job, but once I'm good enough at drawing, I'd love to do commissions, or if I learn how to animate, working on an indie animation project would be such a cool thing! Or do a comic! I'd love to do a comic, doesn't even have to be my story! Years down the line, after graduating, I want to go back to school and get some degree in art! Doesn't need to be from an expensive school, probably will be from some local college near me at the time. Not that you need one to be a professional, but I find I learn best in a school setting and it's something I'd love to do to improve my art!

Can't believe Rusty Quill has inspired two possible job careers I-

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

Oldest to youngest! My older brother didn't grow up with me but we visted his house alot! Tbh, I'm closer to my niece than I am him. He's got some beliefs/politics I don't agree with and he can be intense sometimes, but generally I have a good relationship with him. I don't talk to him much tho. And he's homophobic, so yah, don't plan to be too close to him anyway. Next should be my other brother but he died when I was 4, and he was in Cuba so I have no memories of him, so neutral I guess. Things were pretty rocky with my older sister growing up but we're pretty good now! She's like the one "adult figure"(I'm an adult but you know what I mean) in my life that I feel the most comfortable around. Then my twin is the person I'm the closest to. Yah we bicker and stuff, and we do things that the other doesn't like, but overall I'm the most comfortable around her. I also feel like she's the person who understands me the most, I genuinely don't know how I would've been in middle school if my twin didn't exist. Idk if anyone remembers the scene in the season 3 final of Bright Sessions, but you know when Mark goes to Adam's room and they sit and silence and Mark is like"I know we both know what we're feeling but we should still talk about what happened" I feel like that's kinda my twin and I. Anyways, I love my sisters very much!

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

Kinda rocky and I don't want to get into it too much but they're immigrant parents™. However, for literal boomers, they're actually pretty good. I'd say they're good parents but there's alot about them that frustrates me. Also living with them makes problems exacerbated. They're trying their best to understand me, but they don't and I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my problems with them. I'm also not out to them, so there's always a part of me they're not really seeing. But when it matters they're there. And they've been pretty supportive of me being in the arts. My dad was also pretty present in my life, which sucks that I have to specify, but I do.

44: A random fact about anything

There are two versions of the Latino dub of Sleeping Beauty and people fight about I think. I grew up with the 2001 ver but people prefer the original 1959 dubbing. My preliminary stance on this without having seen the full 1959 dub and only some clips is that the Queen's acting is better in 1959, but the songs are bettered dubbed in the 2001 version(suck it up nostalgia is winning)

Okay, that was a lot! BUT, there are more questions so ask away!