#I'm not quite sure what I feel right now
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It’s over.
It’s finally over.
I’m free.
Had my final appointment at the cancer clinic today. It was a pelvic exam and colposcopy to make sure that I was all healed up inside after the hysterectomy and that there were no traces of any abnormalities. I’d been anxious about the appointment for WEEKS.
It wasn’t my surgeon who saw me, it was one of her associates, but she was so kind and understanding and empathetic that I felt good about it going into the procedure. The procedure itself was super un-fun given how one of the symptoms of menopause is vaginal dryness/atrophy. All the lube in the world didn’t make that speculum go in any easier and it hurt like hell, but once it was in place it was fine.
After a thorough look and feel and a LOT of anxiety on my part, the doctor pronounced me fully healed and fit to return to all activities. She said that there is no need for them to see me again, that this is it, but that if I have any concerns come up or any questions in the future or issues related to any pelvic health, to give them a call back and they’d take me back on without question.
That said, though, I never need another pelvic exam. I never need another pap test. I never need to deal with all of the menstrual bullshit again. I can bid cancer goodbye and good riddance.
It’s actually, finally over.
#cancer tag#tw cancer#tw endometrial cancer#tw gynecologic cancer#tw medical procedure#tw colposcopy#tw pelvic exam#I'm going to be crying about this for a few days#until it really sinks in#I am O V E R W H E L M E D#not in a bad way#but not quite in a good way yet either?#I'm not quite sure what I feel right now#other than the urge to take a hot shower and get the excess lube off lmao#FUCK this has been a JOURNEY
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idk if this makes sense. but i kind of love that the last of us makes me cry and viscerally FEEL true emotions on a weekly basis. like i cant remember the last tv show i watched that had me consistently bawling my eyes out and so immersed in a show because of the characters, the story, the incredibly strong writing, etc. and it doesn't feel manipulative. it just feels profound and beautiful and poetic but also tragic and... human.
#it's a whole spectrum of emotion!!! it's beautifully tragically human!!!! is that not what it is to exist!!!!#and it's therapeutic honestly. to spend like an hour in a world that isnt real but that you can relate aspects of your life to.#and you can just connect to these characters and their experiences and release the emotions that have been building up inside.#i'm sure that if you've played the game you feel this all the more strongly#but as someone who hasn't and went into tlou without prior knowledge#i'm just very pleased with it and idk i love watching a show that can elicit such a strong reaction from me#granted i AM what people would call 'sensitive' and 'emotional' or whatever#but even for me i dont think i've felt quite this intensely about a show - especially not right away during a first season#these are just my half baked thoughts and i definitely could say so much more but i'll leave it here for now#sameera.txt#the last of us
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I've always felt that it'd be Killua who initiates the first hug we see between him and Gon
#i have my reasons for this#i feel like i'm in the minority though... i know gon is honest and much more emotionally expressive#but he's not actually more tactile than killua#i... i actually do think that it's killua who initiates much of the contact between them (fistbumps and poking and hand on shoulder)#if i'm not mistaken anyways#and he's very tactile with alluka and nanika (carrying + hugs + handholding)#granted that's his sister(s) but still. killua is far from touch averse - his getting embarrassed is a cute trait to be sure#but i do think he'll get a bit better at accepting that kind of thing once he's had some time with alluka and nanika#a lot of that does come after all from his feelings of unworthiness - and now that his sisters need open affection after so long being alon#he's going to have to gain at least some comfort with giving and receiving love#gon and mito go for hugs either at the same time or mito initiates. gon hugs leorio in the scene right after he's revived#but idk idk i just feel like he won't be the first to initiate a hug with killua especially since i suspect he still feels quite guilty#i think it would show growth on both their parts. not to mention it'd be very sweet to have gon a bit blindsided + happily surprised#as he's the one typically honest and forthright with appreciation and compliments while killua is. not. lmao#i think he should receive a nice hug from his best friend. and then i think they would both know it's gonna be ok. :')#storyrambles#hunter x hunter#hxh#killua zoldyck#gon freecss#this is so sappy. what's wrong with me. this is what they do to me.#random thoughts
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Oh ok. I get now why a lot of people didn't vibe with the ending.
All and all: excellent manga, overall very good final act, too rushed final 2-3 chapters but weak and honestly mediocre epilogue, which makes the high of the ending kind of leave a bitter taste. I think Noda had a good steed and suddenly he had to finish and had to rush all. So the ending in the sense of the final arc was good but the ending proper (final couple chapters) + epilogue......... Not so much
#i liked rhe ending (though made the mistake to read comments so now I'm like 'yeah you are right that did not make sense' when on my own i#probably would not have noticed. but ok. I'll work my suspension of disbelief. HOWEVER the epilogue WAS indeed very lackluster#i get it's an epilogue but it was so rushed. we barely get a closure for ume and saichi and tanigaki did not get to#take asirpa back to uci as he should have (though he was instrumental for that). overall it was super rushed#like we did not even see how Sugimoto was rescued. the epilogue was faaaar too rushed tbh and also too vague in parts#siraishi not really saying goodbye.... also sugimoto and asirpa living together that's cute idc and i think the line into nastyness was not#crossed but oh boy is it a thin thread... i still choose to believe they are platonic soulmates lol but i want to see an official#translation of the volume that's all i say. what else... oh yes. the way the gold never got to actually be distributed doesn't sit right#with me at all but the worst part was definitely the sugimoto/ume thing oh god that was BAD#we did get to see osoma which was cute#OH AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON VASILY??? We didn't even see him. the epoligue for him in particular was great though but his ending was not#like he just hanged around ogata gor chapters and chapters on end and we don't even get a glimpse of him during the final showdown??#tbh i think noda wanted to do something more with him but realized he did not quite fit into the story and in the end got#caught up with all the main lines he did have to close and he obviously had planned and probably combined with his own exhaustion well#did not go nice for vasily! i also would have liked a more proper epilogue for tsukishima and koito. they deserved it#I don't like how pre-epilogue the tsukishima-tsurumi-koito tension seems to reach a breaking point only to kind of not get resolved because#they have to keep fighting lol.#laura reads#also i get the sentiment of the ending regarding the ainu and i think noda did his best but it seems like a rather soft thing for asirpa to#do like... sure. museums and stuff. i GET it but it goes a little too soft in the actual colonialism that went on from the japanese. i feel#noda starts off fairly critical of that but in the end softens his stance which is a shame but ok. the bar is in hell so this is actually#much better than average from what i can personally gather of my little knowledge#golden kamuy#gk spoilers
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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One of these days I'm gonna find that fucking hankcon fic I lost. Then I can stop losing my mind over it every few months
#felix speaks#hankcon#hannor#dbh#I am throwing this in the tags in the desperate hope someone can help me details to follow#post-good end hank and connor are either an established relationship right from the get-go or they get together pretty early on I think#the fucking scene that haunts me is that they're in bed together or something idk anyway someone attacks them at home#I thiiiiiiiiiink one or both of them are injured in this attack? Sumo is fine I think or if he's hurt he gets better I'm pretty sure#I also feel like I remember that this is how the other cops find out that hank and connor are a couple but I could be remembering that wron#also I swear to god there was this fic where the two of them quit being cops like right after the revolution but I cannot find it rn#and now I'm wondering if it's the same fic#I don't think it is? But what if#anyway if you know even just the fucking title and/or author I will owe you my life#was it deleted? am I just an idiot for not being able to find it? I have no idea and it haunts me#also yes hello I am alive I'm just deep in a depression hence the lack of posting
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me: man my shoulder/neck have been hurting for weeks, i'm gonna sit with the heat pack on them to see if that helps
my body: oh that's cute, guess what's that gonna get ya? mild heat rash HAVE FUN
me: okay well at least they don't hurt anymore, right?
my body: INCORRECT
me: okayyyy well nothing ELSE hurts at least?
my body: FOOT PAIN
me: _(: 」∠)_
#personal#this all sounds very dramatic and it's not quite as dramatic as it sounds lol#but my shoulder/neck HAVE been hurting for weeks#and i did accidentally give myself what i'm pretty sure is mild heat rash from the heat pack in my attempts to make that feel less awful#so that's annoying#but i also got it to a place rn where it barely hurts (KNOCK ON WOOD PLS DON'T CURSE THIS FOR ME)#so now it's mostly just the prickly/stinging heat rash annoyance#foot did start hurting right as neck started to calm down a bit though but it's not bad just sorta mildly annoying??#i am simply tired of being in some kind of pain lol#i have also taken to ignoring my to do list and instead just laying around playing video games/watching things when i can#and that's a nice change of pace lol#i can't ignore the list forever but it's getting ignored for a little bit at least jfieowafew
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I. I just. Okay.
Wow.
I just . . . Geez Louise
#i mean this show is ruthless but i'm PRETTY SURE they didn't just kill off their 4 MCs (and jaune)#but when yang fell i was terrified bc killing off one of them? i could believe#ren and nora as far as they know just lost another member of their team in addition to their friends#i had to watch penny die AGAIN#i cannot even IMAGINE what winter is feeling right now holy fuck#your home quite literally fell from the sky#you stood up to the abusive man whod been grooming you for years#your best friend died#you watched your sister fall into the void#the last thing your best friend ever did was gift you with magical superpowers#and to top that all off#you're the only remaining authority figure to lead thousands of refugees stuck in the middle of a sandstorm being attacked by monsters#like. what a DAY#i sure do know hot to pick 'em#rwby#rwby spoilers#rwby volume 8
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part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore
#like. remember that. remember following me back when i was bi and genderfluid lol. awhile ago now#its like whatever to me now. its really hard for me to pin anymore#like when i feel like genderfluid and bi again i feel like i can be a lot more open about shit#but i dont really even know. its hard#i feel like. and this is just like. me yknow. i feel like if i wasnt dating a man i'd be missing out on something that i want#like i dont know if i would be content just marrying a woman and being satisfied if i. didnt have a husband. yknow what i mean#and its like. if *I* wasnt a man i'd be sad. if in a relationship i wasnt someone's boyfriend or husband i'd be sad about it#so this is what wraps back around to me being a gayboy about it yknow#its complicated because no matter the gender label outcome. i would STILL want testosterone and surgery and masculine terms#and i KNOW this doesnt mean anything for some people. like some women do all that and are women#so i could just be not-a-man and still want all this anyways#but i also know it doesnt make it any less complicated for some of these women. who also had to think about themselves a lot in this way#its this weird notion of whatever ends up happening i... physically want the same shit anyways. THAT stays almost completely static#so that for me is a breather. its just like.... idk ... if i ever got in a relationship with a woman#i'd feel like i would be intrinsically. missing out on something i wanted#which i think is what a lot of burgeoning gay kids feel generally. right#like if you went down this stringent path laid out for you that you'd be missing out on. your life that you want. right.#i dont know what i want out of that really. sometimes i feel like im too out of it to pursue anything romantically anymore anyways#i do sometimes think it'd be cool to be a butch woman. kinda..?#i think what i like about that is the masculinity of myself is gender non-confirming if i were a woman#which if im a masc guy i'm just like. your average dude. like. right#but i wanna be a bear about it. i wanna fag it up about it. and my metric of being transgender im not ... average about how i present mysel#can someone teach me how to fag it up. the construction worker part of this is working right#sighhhh.... i have to go shower. maybe i;'ll have a shower epiphany or something. sighhhhh#sometimes in my head being a woman would be alright. but its like.. i dont even know how to decode it#i think some people would call what im feeling being genderfluid. some people might call it something else. it depends on like. you yknow#and what you want. and what makes you smile. me? not quite so sure anymore#and i think its like. this sounds like its laid quite bare right. but its hard to word even.#but sometimes im like. am i just like. talking ...? yknow what i mean.
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also tomorrow i need to tell some really nice dude i went on a couple of date with that it's just not gonna work out and not trying to be dramatic or anything but the stress of it kinda makes me feel like a piece of charcoal in a burning bbq
#and it's the only free day in the entire year at the museum so it's gonna be crazy busy all day right before i meet him so that's nice#i knew dating was a mistake lmao#btw i'm not afraid he's going to hurt me or go crazy or anything but i really hate hurting people feelings#also oversharing supreme mode activated but like...#i just realized that i actually never had to reject someone after actually going out with them#my teen/super young adult self just kinda ghosted people until they got mad and then i was like well fuck you i guess (yeah that's bad)#and now i usually just straight up reject every attempt at dating me and immediately put people in the friendzone#and my whole problem is that i actually really only feel friendship for this guy after all#so i'll be quite sad if he don't want to interact with me at all anymore and it might makes things slightly awkward#since we have common acquaintances#but it is what it is#i'm probably overreacting tbh#like we went on 3 dates and i honestly feel like i'm gonna ask this man for a divorce#like i'm sure he'll be kinda sad and maybe a bit mad but i'm out there with the level of guilt i'd have if i left him after 20 years#your girl is NOT ready to date i need more time more healing and another break from weed#do I even want to go back into dating like ever is another question but let's not go there tonight i'm already fatigued enough
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Hey y'all! Weird question time again! Do you have any recommendations for anything that can monitor your heart rate on the go with like real time updates? I'm looking for something like a pulse oximeter, but that works for people with poor circulation in their fingers (I have a pulse oximeter and sometimes it works and sometimes I confuse it and it panics and spits out random numbers lol) I do have a blood pressure cuff, but I'm looking for something that works faster and while moving, so that I can keep an eye on it when I'm doing things like exercising or climbing stairs (on bad days) so I know when I need to stop before I hit the "uh-oh" level of tachycardia.
#the person behind the yarn#tj asks weird questions#medical mention#on bad POTS days it can help when I'm just doing things around the house#like...130 bpm after climbing the stairs isn't great but I can ignore it#150 bpm after slowly climbing the stairs I need to sit down for a bit and let it crash back down#before it crashes back down while I'm standing and takes my blood pressure with it#that's not quite an accurate summation of what happens if I keep standing when my 'just standing in place' bpm is in the 150s#but idk how to describe it except 'feels like bad' and 'might fall down'#but sometimes it's hard to tell a standing bpm in the 130s from the 150s before hitting the fall down point#for the record 160s bpm just standing is 'sit down right the hell now. right where I am. do not walk to a chair do not collect go sit down'#where those categories fall numbers-wise varies from person to person I'm sure#but that's pretty much where it breaks for me
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oh god
#(he really is being more open with her about his feelings and i love that so much like he really did listen and learn i'm PROUD)#the way this is obviously such a valid fear for anyone but it's especially valid for him considering everything he's gone through#but it's also crazy how he's voicing it now; after being in life or death situations so often; after nearly losing her SEVERAL times#as partners and even after they got together#it's like the full force of how much he loves her is only just hitting him; like the thought of 'taking the ring off' and 'moving on'#is making him think about the....bigger picture? about the long term; the future and how much he needs her to be part of it#he's suddenly looking into the future and all he can do is worry about what ifs#(because he's never been one to plan for his future really has he - it was get to the rj end goal and then --#and now he's kind of been drifting; kind of unsure of what he wants to do - like floating the idea of quitting but not having an alt plan)#but she's right there reminding him to focus on the here and now and that's --#she was there with him while he worked through his past and she's sure as hell planning on being there with him in their future#but she's not going to let him get lost in either direction because they need to live in the present and the present is very very good#idk i'm just obsessed with them#tm
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oh and on top of everything else you're begging for money on tumblr. wow. pathetic bitch
i'm so sorry if it bothers you a lot i promise i won't do it again :(((((
but guess that you just love to see me dissapointing my parents by dropping out of uni if i'm not able to pay for my uni fee this semester...well okay then
#once again i wanna say that this is my only last chance and hope to make sure that#i'm able to escape from my financial stress and anxiety this few months from now#yes i want to find some part time job inside my campus or online freelance jobs#but i truly afraid that it might distract me away from focusing in my lectures or even not able to complete my assignment on time#+ my dad not really encourage me to do any kinds of part time jobs#also rn i feel that some of online platforms who offers freelance jobs or passive income jobs are quite untrustworthy#i say it because ngl i almost got scammed by one of those things a month ago#yeah right i truly feel so scared to tell everyone here about this since it was literally me being such a fool to trust this kind of things#and this financial stress nowadays really triggers my anxiety level to the highest point that i literally#self reblog that post all over again#yup i realized what i've done rn i know 😔😔
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I think me going back to the dnp fandom and getting back with my ex best friend would be the weirdest 2023 outcome possible
#hotel california looking ass#I texted her btw. we talked for FOUR HOURS.#we haven't quit agreed to try again but like... the feeling is there. and it feels different.#she sounds so different#and this time it's not in a shitty way#she feels more real now. I don't know.#and I was right to think she'd be the only person in the world who'd understand how I'm feeling about matthew's death#she knew exactly what his characters have always meant for us#and she felt the exact way and no one around her could understand her either#so we just opened up our hearts and it went from there#I'm not sure what I'll do yet. she asked if I wanna watch the eras tour movie with her after my concert.#I didn't say yes but I also didn't say no#idk man. advice is appreciated#rambles*
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okay so I'm going to just state for the record that I've had a Weird Bad Erratic Time every november since I was eleven and this is nearly November so my recent "weird bad erratic mood" is probably just like, right on schedule.
#i looked back at my dreamwidth today and was like Huh! Those sure are the exact same problems i'm feeling encroaching right now#except they were from last november and quite a lot worse#red rambles#anyway if i fall off the planet or start saying really strange things i guess you know what's up
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I think That Woman is genuinely trying to kill me
#you know what she said to me today?#'well. since you suck at writing essays and I'm sure you don't want to write a test. how about a creative assignment?#remember that project idea you suggested? do that. right now. sit and rewrite a chapter of War and Peace in your reimagining'#and like... first of all. bold of you to assume I remember any particular chapter well enough to rewrite it#even all separate events mashed together. because that's what happens when YOU MAKE ME READ 1200 PAGES IN THE SPAN OF THREE WEEKS#but okay. fine. I was allowed to look up references. maybe any other person could have managed something#but second of all. my only reference for the vibe I'm supposed to be going for is ONE BOOK THAT I READ TWO DAYS AGO#PLUS I HAVE ZERO KNOWLEDGE OF THE ACTUAL HISTORICAL EVENTS BECAUSE WE SKIPPED OVER IT IN CLASS#AND THIRD OF ALL. THE WORST THING. IS THAT I CAN'T JUST SIT DOWN AND WRITE#NOT WITHOUT PREPARATION. NOT WITHOUT AT LEAST A VAGUE IDEA OF WHAT I'M GOING FOR#AND NO. 'IMAGINE NATASHA ROSTOVA AS A KOMSOMOLKA' ISN'T AN IDEA. IT'S SOMETHING I COULD DRAW WITH REFERENCE PICTURES#BUT NOT WRITE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIDS DID IN THE KOMSOMOL. THE VLKSM WAS DISBANDED BEFORE MY MOM COULD BE A PART OF IT#and I know it's stupid. I know I shouldn't be upset over not being able to do something I wasn't prepared for#and it's fine!! I was allowed to take it home!! I can come up with something in the privacy of my apartment#where That Woman won't be hanging over me. judging my every move#it's fine. it's literally fine#I know it is. so why am I so damn upset??#I guess.. failing at writing has become such a huge trigger for me that even when it comes to tasks absolutely nobody–#could manage without prior preparation... I just break down if I fail#it took everything in me not to break down crying in front of her. even though I really really wanted to#because first of all I do not trust her at all and don't want to be vulnerable in front of her#and second of all. how could I possibly explain 'oh yeah failing at writing makes me extremely suicidal bc I'm fucked in the head'#'and yet I won't quit because I'm s fucking masochist who likes being miserable apparently'#and I was doing so well writing wise before this... NSND is almost 16k words long and I didn't have a fit over it once#I managed over 8000 words over the weekend translating Tomorrow was the War and actually ENJOYED doing it#I don't enjoy writing. it was.. almost thrilling. to like the process#now I don't want to do anything at all#what's the point if I can't even handle a simple school assignment?#it's not her fault I'm a fucking crybaby who can't indulge in a hobby without becoming hysterical#I should've quit writing after AIDIB like I wanted to. maybe then none of this would've happened. maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a POS
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