#I'm not mentally prepared for episode 7

[0-enimelody-0]

Despite their relatively small size, lakes can still hide secrets within their depths.

From the remains of a once prosper civilization,

To the results of the morbid curiousity of mankind.

With this information we have to remember one thing:

.

.

.

Matter cannot be destroyed

No matter how hard you try

It will just morph into something else

I remember vividly seeing that one teaser picture for episode 4 and wanting to draw it badly, but never having the motivation to do so.

BUT I FINALLY DREW IT

(I also just noticed that that teaser was an obvious Friday The 13th reference)

HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY THIS PIECE

(And wish y'all good luck with episode 7)

[themattress]

The Dragon Prince's Biggest Flaw

Now that I've finished Season 7 (the end of the Mystery of Aaravos arc and quite possibly the series if they don't get a three season renewal), I once again must reaffirm the biggest albatross around The Dragon Prince's neck. It's not the lore and worldbuilding so reliant on side material, or the never-ending Avatar: The Last Airbender references, or the inconsistent animation quality, or the tonal whiplashes, or the sketchy pacing that results from all seasons being only 9 episodes long. It's the fact that while most of the heroes are likable enough, their conflicts aren't as interesting or satisfying as the villains' at best, and their goals and beliefs are downright not preferable to the villains' at worst. And this season highlighted that again!

Callum doesn't end up going dark or dying despite all the build-up, Rayla gets closure with her biological parents and then gets to have her adoptive parents back and status back and doesn't end up needing to kill Callum, Ezran is pulled back from his tyrannical path by Aanya and forgives those he was angry at, Runaan is among those forgiven and gets to find out he didn't kill King Harrow after all, Soren doesn't have to find out troubling truths of his past or confront the mother who abandoned him or have to kill his sister, Terry keeps his innocence and doesn't have to be burdened by Claudia dying, Lujanne doesn't die, and Janai doesn't end up needing to make the hard choice of executing her brother. The only sacrifice made by a hero is by Zubela, who at least gets to be with her husband in death and tell her son she loves him before dying, with said son appearing to be just fine afterward. Ezran practically boasts about how nobody had to sacrifice anything in the end despite having prepared to!

Meanwhile, Claudia loses her innocence, her brother, much of her mental health, her leg, her biological father, her boyfriend, her adoptive father, and if I'm reading it right even her humanity. Viren gave up everything to atone for his sins and died a painful and lonely death as he reiterated that he's "a servant", as if his problem was that he didn't "know his place" and dared to want more rather than his actual heinous actions in the pursuit of what he thought was justified. Aaravos lost his biological daughter, spent countless years crying over it, spent countless more years imprisoned, and now he has been temporarily killed and separated from his adoptive daughter in the process. (Oh, and Karim was squished to death, but fuck that guy). The villains actually lose things, they actually have to make sacrifices to achieve what they want! This makes them more compelling than the heroes, even if their aims aren't always on the morally up and up...but this season screws up that caveat as well!

Not only is Aaravos' plan at worst something that will create hardships that are perfectly endurable, but at best it's something morally justified because it strips power from a cosmic order that we have been shown is corrupt, composed of self-righteous bigots who will execute a child for daring to share magic with a race they deem inferior and unworthy of it. While the heroes want to create a better world, their solution doesn't address the root causes for the problems in any meaningful way. It's supposed to be framed as them acknowledging the hurt but moving on from in rather than let it bind them to the past, but that only works with the Karim plotline. Aaravos not moving beyond his hurt isn't binding him to the past, it's making him fight for a future where such cosmic atrocities can't be inflicted again...and more to the point, it's making him fight for a reality where his child's unjust execution isn't rendered meaningless. He refuses to accept "bad shit happens and we all just have to move on" when the ones making the bad shit happen move on without paying a damn consequence for their actions. And he isn't even a hypocrite about it: he knows he's also doing bad shit, and that's why he plans to die at the end! He can be with his daughter and his victims can have justice.

Meanwhile, this season is full of heroes also doing bad shit that they justify as for the best, with the difference being they have no self-awareness about it and, as said before, pay no sacrifices for it. From Callum trying to use dark magic and commit the very kind of vile act Viren was demonized for, to Rayla betraying her allies by breaking a rightfully convicted criminal out of prison, to Ezran going full Oppenheimer with the creation of a dangerous new weapon....and, perhaps worst of all, Soren, Terry and co. magically disguising Lujanne as Claudia's long-lost mother in an attempt to trick her into standing down from helping Aaravos. Yes, to get her away from Aaravos they resorted to something far more underhanded and manipulative than anything Aaravos ever tried with her. Why should I root for these guys!?

Honestly, I think if there is one scene that perfectly encapsulates the problem, it's Terry's big Heel Face Turn moment. Aaravos tells Terry the whole dark truth with the explicit purpose of helping him grow and helping him and Claudia be a better couple by putting them on equal ground with one another. And the words he says to Terry in this scene are absolutely correct:

"The true heart is a gift of childhood. For a few wonder-filled years, we each have innocent eyes to experience the world's beauty, in a simple way. Terrestrius, you were lucky. You held that innocent want for longer than most. I have seen generations of humans and elves accept the darkness that lurks in all of us beside the light. There is no black and white, only shades of gray. We must all carry complexity. But please, believe me: that there is beauty in this burden. Your heart will be a little heavier, but now there will be no more half-truths, Terrestrius. We will do what must be done."

All of this is right! Note that Aaravos isn't saying you have to discard your inner child or the good qualities it grants you completely. He is simply saying the truth that you cannot stay in a childlike state of being forever, you must also be willing to acknowledge and accept the darker parts of the world, of human nature, of yourself. If not, you can't do what you must.

But rather than do that and work through things with Claudia, Terry totally backtracks on his pledge last season that he'll never leave her and will always stand with her, all because he is scared of having to grow up and lose his innocence, to take the black with the white and see things in shades of gray, to work toward something bigger than himself that requires him to step outside his comfort zone. And it all feels so phony and unjustified, for three reasons:

- 1. First of all, he killed a man. Does anybody else remember that? He killed Ibis from behind in his third appearance in order to protect Claudia. After that he helped take and hold Soren as a hostage, steal a map from a dragon's tooth, and actively assist in releasing Aaravos despite even his own apprehensions about it. Claudia killing Sir Sparklepuff didn't seem to phase him all that much either. So the notion that he still has his innocence in tact and hasn't lost it already feels like narrative gaslighting. The breaking point being Claudia lying to him and using him (even though just talking to her deeply about it would reveal that Aaravos told her to, since again his plan was to break his innocence once it served its purpose so that he and Claudia could be equals in a better relationship) makes him feel selfish, especially given that he knows about Claudia's abandonment issues and how it will feel if another loved one walks out on her, this time after having sworn not to do so and even staying with her after she left him specifically to avoid this scenario! I'm having trouble feeling sympathy for him here.

- 2. Secondly, even if we accept his decision to leave, why couldn't he just stay on his own and take care of the birds? I mean, he could have stayed with Aaravos and Claudia and just taken the birds with him, but if he really felt he needed to split, why join their enemies? Why go out of his way to side with the people working against Claudia just as Soren had done, once again making her feel betrayed in the process? The justification that he's doing it with the assurance that Claudia won't be harmed doesn't hold water, since one of his new buddies almost kills her later and then shortly after that Soren starts talking about how she's too far gone and may need to die. Did I mention that both of those happen after they try to deceive Claudia with a fake version of her long-lost mother? Which leads to the third and final point...

- 3. Yeah, instead of just going and finding his and Claudia's mother even if it made him uncomfortable, Soren, along with Terry, Corvus, Lujanne and Allen, decided to use a magic spell to disguise Lujanne as her and have her play out an emotional reunion with a vulnerable Claudia in order to manipulate her into leaving Aaravos. When leaving her, Terry said to Claudia "You didn't trust me to make my own choice! You used me! It's not how you treat someone you love...it's not how you treat any person! And if I let you treat me that way, I'm not sure I can really be me anymore!" Yet here he is, not trusting Claudia to make her own choice and using her despite loving her. Is THAT you, Terry? Or have you changed into someone you don't even like, which was your reasoning for not staying with Claudia? Either way, you've blown up your entire rationale. You're just as morally gray as Aaravos and Claudia, except unlike them you lack the maturity to own it, preferring to stay a man-child.

And that's the show's fatal flaw in a nutshell. It wants to be morally complex, except it also doesn't want the heroes to actually embrace their own moral complexity and suffer the consequences that comes with it, which ends up turning them into pious hypocrites who can't acknowledge their hypocrisy or that the villains might have a point with what they're seeking to achieve, who breeze through the show unscathed while the villains actually have to suffer for fighting for what they believe in. It wants to be Avatar: The Last Airbender, but instead it's as if Monk Gyatso was revealed to still be alive and reunited with Aang, if Katara got closure with her mother's spirit, if Yue attempted to sacrifice herself but then the problem is solved differently so she gets to live happily ever after with Sokka, or if Zuko got his scar healed....by Azula no less, who then still goes on to suffer a mental breakdown anyway. Actually, let me rephrase it: she suffers a mental breakdown after she gets scarred herself!

If a third arc happens, I'll watch it if I hear good things about it. But until then....

[nick-chinchill]

MOUTHWASHING TIMELINE

Hey Folks! I'm officially on this ride down and, last time I played, I made notes to put together a timeline to help out with people's analysises and theory-crafting :D I've done my best to keep it mostly factual without inserting my own opinions on what might have happened at that point in the game while putting in details that I think are important or noteworthy for the narrative. The 'Chapter' numbers refers to when we see this occur in the game, and the "bizzaro" episodes are listed at the bottom. Naturally, there's spoilers. Hopefully this can be useful to someone out there c:

//BEFORE THE CRASH

7 DAYS (Chapter 2) - The Psyche Evaluations are underway. Anya signs off Curly and gives him a note from Swansea. Curly agrees to do Jimmy's on her behalf. - Curly goes to Utility to see what's up. Daisuke accidently set off the emergency foam and they need his authority to get the axe to free him. He gives it to Swansea, then leaves with Jimmy to do his psyche eval. - The steps to the cockpit extend. Curly wades through red liquid, as scaffolding rises around him and WARNING signs appear. A yellow sun rises, exploding. Curly walks to the cockpit door. - Curly does Jimmy's pysche eval. They have a talk 'off record' about their positions; Jimmy climbing up the ladder while Curly worries about staying 'safe' with his current position. - News arrives from Corporate. Jimmy leaves, and Curly reads the note. 6 DAYS (Chapter 5) - The Birthday Party! Curly is surprised by the crew and prepares the cake. As they sit to eat, he reveals the news - they won't have jobs once they arrive. Anya frets that she has no savings and Jimmy reacts nastily towards Curly, accusing him of abandoning the crew. Curly cuts the cake.

2 DAYS (Chapter 10) - The Night-time screen scene with Anya. She and Curly discuss the night-time screen, and Anya mentions the dead pixel. Curly says he focuses on the bigger picture. Anya questions how long it'll be til they arrive at Earth (8 months-ish) and why there's no locks on the bedroom doors. Curly says; for [SAFETY].

1 DAY (Chapter 14) - The Cockpit talk. Anya's hidden the gun but assures Curly she won't hurt herself. Curly mentions she didn't get checks on her mental health and he should have checked on her. - Anya reveals she's pregnant. Curly promises to talk to Jimmy.

0 DAYS (Chapter 16) - The Day of the Crash. Anya reveals she told Jimmy she's pregnant, and doesn't want him around. Curly rushes to talk to Jimmy. - Curly tries to assure Jimmy they can fix this. Jimmy talks about how this will reflect on them when they get back. He talks about how this could all be remembered as a 'tragedy', and claims he will take care of it. Throughout this chat, the words [TAKE CARE OF IT. KILLS NINETY NINE PERCENT] flash. - Alarms blare. Curly rushes to the cockpit as the ship crashes. THE CRASH (Prologue) - Jimmy crashes the ship. When he leaves, the corridors loop. Polle suddenly appears, mutating each time with the cries of a baby.

//AFTER THE CRASH

2 MONTHS (Chapter 1) - The crew decide to break into the cargo hold. Anya asks Jimmy to give Curly his meds, unable to take the sounds Curly makes. Jimmy does so (it sounds physical). He then gets the Code Scanner and enters the cargo. ---------- (Chapter 4) - The cargo is full of mouthwash. Anya mentions the sugar making it useless as a disinfectant. Swansea starts drinking it.

3 MONTHS (Chapter 6) - Jimmy awakens late one night. Daisuke is still sleeping as Curly moans in pain. Swansea and Anya are talking in the cockpit - Anya was crying. Jimmy leaves to give Curly his meds, lamenting to Curly that he 'knows what the others are thinking'. This time it sounds violent and Curly sobs afterwards.

4 MONTHS (Chapter 8) - Daisuke is drunk on the floor, in despair and talks about his mother. Polle has been destroyed in the lounge. Anya considers drinking the mouthwash, but says it won't 'fix anything'. She mentions there's medicine in a cabinet they can reach if the foam is cleared. Swansea is grooving and, when approached for the axe, breaks the sunset screen. Jimmy retrieves the meds and shouts at Anya about being told to do things. After he approaches Curly, talking at him about the pressures of being captain. He gives him his meds. It doesn't sound violent, but Curly still sobs after.

5 MONTHS (Chapter 11) - Anya locks herself in the med bay with Curly. Daisuke is worried and alerts Jimmy. Anya says she'll do 'what [Jimmy] said she should have done'. Swansea is drunk outside Utility and won't let them enter, claiming it's full of the emergency foam ---------- (Chapter 13) - Jimmy decides to drug Swansea with a spiked cocktail. He uses the last of the disinfectant for it. - Upon entering Utility, it's not very foamy at all and there's one working cyropod. Jimmy assumes Swansea was saving it for himself and pressures Daisuke to climb into the unsafe vent. - Daisuke ultimately agrees and is critically injured, but makes it into the med bay.

8 HOURS UNTIL JUDGEMENT (Chapter 12) - Daisuke is critically injured. Swansea says they need disinfectant (it's been used) and goes to search the med bay. There's a smear effect where Curly is, and the sunset screen is now a WARNING logo. - Upon approaching the cargo, Jimmy sees Daisuke's grave. Upon scanning it, it reveals a path of blood, leading into a maze. A monstrous horse that can only be seen with the scanner hunts Jimmy. - Jimmy retrieves a bottle of mouthwash from the cargo [TAKE CARE OF IT. RESPONSIBILITY] and uses it on Daisuke's wounds. Daisuke screams.

6 HOURS UNTIL JUDGEMENT (Chapter 15) - Daisuke is still in immense pain. Swansea takes the axe and gives him a calming speech, before mercy killing him. - Jimmy blows up at Swansea, claiming he could have fixed this and accusing Swansea of holding onto the last cyropod for himself. - Swansea rebutes him, revealing he's talked to Anya who told him 'all sorts of things'. - Jimmy goes to med bay where Anyas corpse is now visible and retrieves the gun. Curly laughs when he gets hold of it. Swansea charges at Jimmy with the axe. ---------- (Chapter 9) - Jimmy secures the cockpit door with rope and a metal pipe. Swansea breaks the glass to get in to kill Jimmy.

1 HOUR UNTIL JUDGEMENT (Chapter 17) - Jimmy hosts his own birthday party with the corpses of the crew. They clap and call for a speech. He brings Curly and lays him on the table, giving a speech about how he forgives him. He takes the knife and cuts into Curly's leg. Curly screams.

0 HOURS UNTIL JUDGEMENT (Chapter 21) - Jimmy lifts Curly from the table. There's nothing around them but the table and the door. He carries him to Utility. - Jimmy places Curly in the cyropod. He claims they've fixed it... he fixed it. - Jimmy shoots himself. - The cyropod begins to freeze as credits roll.

//TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

SECTION 1 (Chapter 3) - Let's watch Television! There's a lot on - pro capitalism cartoons, space footage, a show about atoms, footage of a meat plant, a skeleton dancing, static, and an ad for Dragonbreath X Mouthwash... SECTION 2 (Chapter 7) - Cake with Curly! Jimmy and Curly sit and talk, before Curly encourages Jimmy to cut the cake. Jimmy leaves and finds an axe in the cockpit, wedged in the captains chair. When he returns, Curly is laid on the table. He swings the axe at him. SECTION 3 (Chapter 18) - Enter the Vents. Daisuke turns and leaves - approaching him snaps the vents into red lighting and leaves a hibiscus flower on the floor. - Progressing reveals a sign saying 'No Turning Back Now'. As Jimmy backs away, he crosses a small pile of hibiscus flowers, a gameboy, a pair of pink dumbells and a pile of arms. Another vent has a note saying 'Responsibility'. - Jimmy enters the hallways, but they rotate into a fall. He falls towards an eye-like hole, lined with hibiscus', into a pit full of Polle posters. He falls further, into a room with an open vent in a wall covered in axes. - The vent is full of foam, exposed wires and metal bars. Another hibiscus flower is hidden on the path. He falls through once more - He lands in front of Swansea, tied to a chair. Jimmy finds the gun on the floor and picks it up, pointing it at Swansea and firing. - They're now in a cemetary. If Jimmy is killed by Swansea, he revives in a tomb with Daisuke's picture framed with hibiscus flowers. Jimmy ultimately shoots Swansea. - They face each other - Swansea on the chair, Jimmy before him. Swansea gives Jimmy a speech about his life - the best days of his life were his days as an alcoholic. Jimmy claims he can still fix things, before lifting the gun to shoot him.

SECTION 4 (Chapter 19) - Swansea is dead. - The corridor out of Utility elongates into an endless spiral. Curly watches from under the floor, then as hundreds of eyes on the walls. - The corridor becomes flesh. Jimmy exits out of Curly's mouth and approaches Curly on an operating table, in front of a television. The television plays a cartoon about a party with a cake. It stops - the word FEAST appears. - Jimmy takes a piece of Curly's leg and feeds it to him. Curly won't swallow until the images on the screen align, requiring the gears on his body to be turned. Finally, Curly swallows. - HELP ME appears on the screen. - Jimmy walks through space to approach Curly, who sits on fire. They talk; Jimmy breaks down and apologises to Curly.

SECTION 5 (Chapter 20) - In the vents, a flesh mass awaits. Using an ultrasound machine, Jimmy inspects it. He ultimately gets the image of a baby on the screen. - The mass opens it's eyes and opens it's mouth - a horse creature emerges, crying like a baby. - The mouthwashing slogans repeat, amidst [I HOPE THIS HURTS]. - In the vents, the creature rushes through, seeking out Jimmy and crying. - Jimmy walks through a corridor full of the crew's employee IDs. They cover the floor, the walls, the air. It leads to a stair case, with bottles of mouthwash falling down. - At the top, Polle waits. Jimmy speaks with Polle, who proceeds to tell him why he sucks. - Jimmy insists that he and Curly can still both be heroes, that things can still be fixed and made right. Polle asks why, if that's true, why is he "still so concerned with him".

[starstruckbyacomet]

Goodbye for Now

Almost 2 months ago I posted a list of possible hurdles that Oliver had warned us about (link):

It's possibly because of something from Tommy's past (we might get a Tommy Begins of some sort).

It possibly would happen through episodes 8x05 and 8x06.

Buck will go to Bobby, Maddie, and Eddie for support during that period.

Buck might find out about Tommy's past (being a racist and mysoginist a-hole) and couldn't accept it, or

Tommy might meet Carla. Carla might tell Buck that Tommy had lied to Abby and used her as a beard in the past. Abby was hurt badly because of it, and Buck couldn't accept it.

Buck might break up with Tommy.

Buck might try to date another man or a woman (if they want to emphasize that Buck is bisexual, not gay).

When I made the above list, I half-jokingly wrote down the worst posssibilities I could think of. The purpose of my post back then is to prepare other Tevan shippers who at the time had doubt about the relationship. I told them that grown-up relationships had all sorts of challenges, including break-ups. I also told them to watch Disney Princess movies if they couldn't handle it.

Who knew that almost 2 months later I have to swallow my own pills?

As contradictive as it sounds, I'm not happy that my predictions come true, including the possibility of Buck dating men & women again (prediction #7) which could happen based on interview with Oliver Stark (link)

Will Buck and Tommy make up?

Negative sign:

There are two interviews with Lou which I still refused to read, because the writers used to be Buddie baiters. But according to fans who have read it, the break up seems final.

Positive signs:

A)) 9-1-1 official Instagram account wouldn't follow Lou in the first place if he wouldn't stay for long term. Last time I check, 9-1-1 account still following Lou.

B)) Things that I wrote in my previous post still stand (link).

Tim and Oliver has said they wanted Buck to get out of the relationship hamster wheel and have a steady meaningful one instead.

Unlike Abby, whom they broke up with Buck because Tim had difficulties in writing her interaction with other 118 family members, Tommy has known most of the 118 family even before Buck does. There is no difficulty in making scripts where Tommy interacts with other 118 members without Buck's presence.

And the most important reason is: THE RATING IS HIGH when Tevan relationship is going strong.

My conclusion: There are 2 options:

The break-up is only temporary, to spice things up. Unfortunately, the timing is really bad because it is aired after the fuck-up US election result 🤦.

Tommy is moving to the new 9-1-1 spin-off, which probably located in Hawaii (link). If this happens, the break-up might be permanent, but it will be good for Lou's career.

What's next?

Although I think Tommy will come back in the 9-1-1 universe, I'm still upset. The 2nd term of Trump and Tevan's break-up happened within the same week! WTF??? I refuse to deal with both at the same time.

This is a list of what I will and will not do, and what I've done:

I will not harrass Tim Minear, Oliver Stark, or even the show on social media. I will not post my disappointment on unrelated social media contents. We have experienced how annoying it was when toxic Buddie fans did it. I refuse to do the same. I suggest other Tevan fans too. We are better than that.

I have unfollowed all 9-1-1 related social media accounts, both official and not. Yes, it is included 911bts and 911cast Tumblr accounts. I think this is a healthy way to voice my disappointment and to maintain my mental health.

I will stop watching the show until Tommy is (or, is officially announced to be) back on screen. The only exception will be when they show Bathena's new house for the first time, because I've been waiting to see it. Other than that, just no. Not even when Eddie reunites with Chris, if that happens before Tommy is back on screen. This step might even save me a few bucks, actually 😅.

I will stop engaging with 9-1-1 related contents on the internet. I will not read any articles about the show. I will not comment, post, reblog or do anything with contents about 9-1-1 on the internet.

I will stop reading 9-1-1 fics because I never comfortable following ships which are against canon. That's why I don't ship Buddie. And now that Tevan broke-up, I cannot engage with AUs where they are still together.

If you think Tevan will make up, why do you quit the show? Because:

I consume entertainment contents to be entertained, not to be depressed. I used to skip sad chapters on novels, and only read them when I'm ready. Buck without Tommy is a sad chapter for me, so I skip it.

This is my way to voice my disappointment in a healthy way. Things that matter the most for the show are rating/viewership and rating/viewership-related metrics. My actions may not have significant impacts to the show, but I am satisfied, nonetheless. Especially, after Oliver's comment that he has actively asked Tim Minear to 'Let Buck F–k' men and women (link). His ask is not only a regression to slutty Buck 1.0 (which we thought he has grown out of), but also strengthening the stereotype that bisexual people are easy to fuck around. A stereotype that a lot of bisexual people want to shred.

Tim Minear and Oliver Stark have the right to make the story as they see fit. This show is not customed to my preference. I'm very much aware of that. This is a "love it or leave it" product. So, I choose to leave it. For now.

To my followers: As I mentioned in my account, you can unfollow me. I use Tumblr as a scrapbook, not to gain followers. I was actually surprised and felt a bit guilty when people start following me, because I don't create arts, gifs, or fics. So, feel free to unfollow me. No hard feeling.

To other Tevan shippers: I know this is beyond disappointing, but please keep your online behavior in check. Please keep in mind that if you post your disapointment in social media, toxic Buddie shippers will eat you alive. Even if you don't, Buddie shippers will be gloating all over the internet. If you can't handle it, I suggest to forgo any interactions in 9-1-1 social media, at least temporarily.

Special thanks to my fellow Tevan fans and the lovely Buddietommy multishippers whom I've met during this journey. I hope we'll meet again. What a roller-coaster ride.

Now, back to Disney Princess movies... 😂

[the-guilty-writer]

No Matter What

Request (from anon): hiii if its not too much trouble could you do Reid x daughter reader where she had BPD and she has a anger breakdown??

Spencer Reid x daughter!reader

Summary: Spencer helps his daughter with BPD through an anger breakdown.

A/N: Huge thank you to @huffufflejoy for beta/sensitivity reading and advising me on this work. Your help is greatly appreciated! Now for my usual disclaimer before my pieces that heavily involve any neurodivergent topic: I try my best to potray mental illness in the most accurate yet sensitive way possible. Please let me know if you have concerns or issues with my work. It's important to note that everyone experiences mental illness in different ways and this may not be indicative of the experience of everyone with BPD.

CW: Reader has BPD, anger breakdown, talks of schizophrenia, self-loathing, small amount of physical violence, reader is shorter than Spencer

---

Spencer had learned long before you were born that understanding from knowledge and understanding from experiencing were two different things.

No matter how much he had read about schizophrenia, he could never truly understand what his mom was experiencing. No matter how much he'd read about being a dad, it did not prepare him for actually being one. And no matter how many people he talked to, articles he read, or data he went through, he would never truly understand what it was like for you to live with BPD.

At first, his research led him to believe that he might be able to understand some of the experience. After his dad leaving him at such a young age, Elle's resignation, Gideon leaving with nothing but a letter to say goodbye, and Emily's fake death, Spencer always had an underlying concern that the people in his life were going to leave.

But to him it was just that- an underlying concern. Like how he prefered paper over computers, but wasn't paranoid about it like his mother had been during an episode in which she threw the TV out of the house. Or how he might tell someone "My daughter is my whole world", but if he didn't hear from you for a day his whole world didn't seem to fall apart.

Nothing about your experience would ever be comparable to his. All he could do was try to understand.

Spencer had just woken up when he heard the shattering. He got out of bed, trying not to get his limbs tangled in the sheets, but still moving faster than he usually did at 7 AM. When he threw his bedroom door open, he took in the sight before him. His genius brain tryed it's best to calculate what move to make next.

You were standing in the small kitchen, surrounded by pieces of porcelain. White knuckles were threaded through your hair, threatening to pull the strands out by the root. A look of distress was plastered on your face as your chest heaved. Spencer only hoped that he'd gotten here before the anger turned into a blackout.

"(Y/N), Sweetie," Spencer cooed. He walked toward you, careful to avoid the broken bowl. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay!" Your voice was shrill in your exasperatedly irritable state. "I- I dropped the bowl and it broke, and now I can't make cupcakes for Henry, and I broke the bowl- I'm so sorry-"

Spencer tried to change the subject in an effort to calm you. "You were going to hang out with Henry today?"

"No, of course no. Why else would I be trying to make him cupcakes?" You snarled at your dad with degrading sarcasm. "All my other friends hate me and now he probably will now too and- and the bowl!"

It wasn't an unusual thing for you to say. Keeping surface-level friendships alive could be difficult with BPD. People didn't understand where the swing of emotions came from, and how you couldn't control the things you said when the mental bomb went off. They didn't understand why you would share a hobby with them, and then a week later, drop it completely. Even when you explained BPD, used your coping skills, and tried your hardest, it was difficult just to exist in society.

Henry made it easier. The two of you had been friends since you were small children. He took his time to understand you. He could calm your nerves, help you cope, give you reassurance, set healthy boundaries.

Still, your dad was you favorite person; your safe place. Spencer made you feel secure in a way that no one else could. It didn't matter how high you flew or how hard you fell, he was the constant presence in your life that you needed. That's why the underlying fear of losing him could make you spiral.

"It's broken! It's broken and I'm broken!" The sarcasm slipped away behind your anger.

"You're not broken," Spencer cooed.

"Yes I am!" You screamed at him. Tears of fury streamed down your face. The look in your eyes was enough to tell your dad that you were close to a breakdown, and he couldn't help but look nervously at the shards still littered on the ground.

Spencer took a risk, walking forward. He got to you in three carefully calculated strides.

"Come here," he whispered, though you were only inches apart and his arms were almost all the way around you.

"No, no-" you muttered. Your eyes were shut tight, arms pulled to your chest as if they were a shield over your heart.

Spencer wrapped you in a hug against your wishes, only pulling you tigher when your fists came towards his chest. Your muttering and sobbing and squirming continued as he held you as tightly as he could.

"I love you."

"I'm telling the truth."

"I'm not leaving you."

"You're worthy."

"I will always be here."

Spencer didn't know if the words actually helped, but he liked to think they did. As the pendulum of emotion began to fall and you stopped fighting in his arms, the only sound in the kitchen became the mantras he whispered and your heavy breathing.

"I-I'm sorry, dad," your words were barely desipherable between dry sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean- I'm so sorry. Please-"

"It's okay." Spencer kept his voice calm, soothing, reassuring. "It's only a bowl."

"I broke it and I got so-" you choked out the words as if saying them was physically painful.

Spencer had to remind himself that it was. Just like the way a panic attack could make someone's heart race or their palms sweat, the humiliation of being unable to control your emotions made your throat close. He wished it didn't.

"It's all my fault- I'm sorry."

Spencer looked down at your puffy face. Your lip trembled with anxiety. Salt stained cheeks rested in his palms. In the glassy look of your eyes he could see his own reflection, his own expression. It matched exactly how he felt; concern for you that came from pure love. He only wished you'd see that there was nothing in this world that could make him leave you willfully. There was nothing in this world that could take that love.

"I promise it's okay," he kept his voice quiet. "Can we clean it up together?"

You nodded.

"I'll be here so you're safe," he reassured you. But it was also for himself.

You nodded again.

"Okay." He gently let go of your face. "Let's clean up."

Together, the two of you carefully swept up the pieces of procelain. It took no more than two minutes to do, but Spencer couldn't help but spew a few interesting facts. They made you feel better, more relaxed.

"In Japan they use a technique called kintsugi to repair pottery," he explained. "Craftsmen take the broken bits and mend them together with gold."

The both of you rose to your feet, you with a broom and Spencer with the dustpan. "It actually makes the object stronger and more beautiful." He disposed of the broken bowl in the trash.

"Is this your way of telling me that every time I break I get stronger and more beuatiful?" you asked. It wasn't snarky or sarcastic- it was exhausted. "Because I don't feel that way."

Your dad took the broom from you, putting it back in the small storage closet. "Not quite," he said, then turned. "Because a lot of people believe the practice rose from the philosophy of wabi-sabi, which encourages people to look for and appreciate imperfection."

You blinked at him. "I'm confused."

He wrapped you in a hug. "It's my way of telling you that I'm not going anywhere. It doesn't matter to me how strong you are or how beautiful you are- how perfect or imperfect. I'm always going to be here, and I'm always going to love you, no matter what."

[tategaminu]

SOOO the title for 05X6 dropped and I'm going feral

Be prepared to hear my long ass theory about this episode and why it will be the rayllum fully gets back together episode (I'm annoying)

Of course we already know season 6 will mirror S3 or at least that's what it looks like. "Moonless Night" is episode 5‚ the same one when Callum and Rayla first got together‚ just as 4 had the title of the place they reach. (The Midnight Desert‚ The Starcrapper)

I have to add‚ just as season 3 had Nyx‚ there's this sky girl called Astrid who may act as the Nyx parallel‚ who knows.

I don't use Discord but my info provider (hello there) told me Devon said episode five would be emotionally heavy and a favourite. A person said ep2 of season 5 were their favourite because the cute rayllum moments and Devon said "until 5 of 6" 🧐

Aparently, it was confirmed by writers this episode would DESTROY people KILL EVEN, well maybe not that but you get me. We know how emotional these two blorbos are for each other right? and we for them. In Discord, a person said ep2 of season 5 were their favourite because the cute rayllum moments and Devon said "until 5 of 6" 🧐

Now let's go to the juicy part. The title. This title is absolutely loaded. like wth. We all know whose favourite girl is related to the moon right? of course we are worried. But I think she's gonna be ok, in the end at least, let me explain.

Of course I'm asuming this scene from the teaser may be from episode 5. We see Callum falling in a moonless night but I'm guessing the title isn't that literal. I think Callum is falling emotionally and literally just as he has before for Rayla. He fell in love with her‚ he fell off a cliff for her and then fell emotionally when she left. The sky he is in is dark‚ no moon‚ representing his own mental state without Rayla. Rayla left him at night just as Callum is falling in the night (omg)

Callum had a moonless night every day for two years because his guiding moon wasn't in his life. I think they may talk about it or it will affect Callum in this episode some way.

Note that the teaser opens with this scene, next we have Aaravos saying "we are all of us, stardust, held together by love for an instant"

(wow subtle foreshadowing you guys)

and the teaser ends with Callum losing his love wings. The wings he got for her. Basically opening with a rayllum scene and closing with a "rayllum" scene ya know

In Chasing Shadows Rayla specifically mentions the stars in his eyes‚ when he does the big speech:

Now‚ what do I think will happen?

EP3: They visit the Silvergroove? just like in ep 3x3. Maybe visit Ethari? "heeey your husband is alive ok bye". My own guess is that they will get the boat from the leaked scene there since there are moon animals in that thing and reach the frozen ship with that.

Ep4: they reach destination and meet the sky elves, Astrid included, with no hiccups. ba dum tss

Ep5: Basically 05x3 but different and sexier

Whatever Callum is about to do I highly doubt Rayla will agree with it because you know how they are (me getting hurt is ok but not you). He convinces her like he did in TTM‚

But this time Rayla is the one to say it

I think that even if Callum promises he will be ok‚ he will have a "I want you to know" moment again and that may lead to talking about her leaving. This may derive into a kinda argument. Callum and Rayla can't continue their talk because they get interrumped (once again) but the memories of a broken heart and feelings affects him badly. He's just emotionally distraught and loses his love wings because whatever. I doubt Rayla isn't seeing any of this, you know how she is. She didn't spend 7 hours watching him sleep to actually not watch this like c'mon

This time Rayla may be the one saving Callum from falling (literally and metaphorically). Now yeah Rayla can't fly but maybeeee

A: she calls out for his name, "waking" him up

B: she just jumps (im going for this one) like Callum did for her. She jumps, not knowing if it's going to work, wakes him up after catching him‚ Callum is able to get his wings back and fly them both into safety, Callum gets his love wings again for her but this time she's being the savior (in the most part). Maybe even completing whatever mission they ask as well. TOGETHER.

After this we may get a Rayla is a hero speech or this time Callum is a hero speech, I don't know‚ I think it would be more fitting if it's from Callum and the hero Callum speech is from Rayla to her parents. Whateve, they finally have their three sesaon dragged conversation and they both kiss like in S3 but maybe reversed this time (Rayla kissing first and apologizing and Callum kissing her next) and they fully come back together :'). I dont think we will get an I love you until ep 9 but we won't really need it here right? we already know!

The episode ends with them kissing under the moon. Moonless Night ending with with a moon night (metaforically and literally)

Now‚ this is just my own guess and it sounds very very self-indulgent (heh) but a girl can dream

[agatharkn3ss]

Episodes Roundup

I needed something to occupy my time, while waiting for the next Agatha dose! So here are the writers credited for writing each of the episodes (mind you, it doesn't mean other writers weren't involved). You can recognise a few names as they also wrote some of Wandavision episodes.

While we can't know the plots yet, I've included the rumours/clues so far, it might help preparing yourself mentally as some of these writers are known for absolutely heart wrenching scenes. The episode fonts are likely clues as well.

Draw your own conclusions, but for me the biggest alarm is the fact that Jac Schaeffer co-wrote Agatha's finale with none other than Laura Donney - who wrote penultimate episode of Wandavision - you know, the one where we learn Agatha's background and where she takes Wanda on the emotional "Road", making her re-live the trauma and heartache. So yeah, be prepared for emotional rollercoaster of a finale!

Ep1. Seekest thou the Road - Jac Schaeffer (the show runner and producer, also wrote the first and last episodes of Wandavision)

Ep2. Circle sewn in fate/Unlock thy hidden gate - Laura Donney (wrote ep.8 of Wandavision - explaining both Agatha and Wanda's stories)

Ep3. Through many miles of tricks and trials - Cameron Squires (wrote ep.7 of Wandavision - the one where the stories are told through interviews with the characters and where we had the big Agatha reveal)

Ep.4 If I can't reach you, let my song teach you (fire trial, Alice-centred) - Giovanna Sarquis (not connected with Wandavision, wrote ep.5 of Griselda if that helps)

Ep.5 Title TBC (likely about the 80s pj party horror with ouija board and possessed Agatha, quite possibly Teen-centred so a trial for the Familiar? Judging by the poster maybe we also find out how Rio is involved - my money is on them being Billy and Lady Death) - Laura Monti (seems like she's a relatively new kid on the writers' block. But she was Jac's assistant on Wandavision and is famously credited for Vision's line "What is grief if not love preserving?")

One of the next three episodes (ep6?) is going to be about the Wizard of Oz, centred around Lilia's tarot trial (Air). Another episode (possibly no.7) is rumored to be Agatha's backstory - so the Spirit trial. And one episode (probably 8, judging from the font) will be Earth trial but seems to be focused on Jen - where they will be in this sterile looking room, like an operating theatre?

Ep.6 Title TBC - Jason Rostovsky (not seen any writing credits, but he was an assistant on quite a few horror movies - e.g. "Ouija: Origins of evil", "The Purge: Election year", "Insidious: Chapter 3". So I'm expecting the episode to be dark)

Ep.7 Title TBC - Cameron Squires (same as ep.3)

Ep.8 Title TBC - Peter Cameron (he wrote ep.5 &6 of Wandavision - the ones with boys growing up, fake Pietro and Halloween)

Ep. 9 Title TBC - Jac Schaeffer and Laura Donney (!!!)

[this is a repost since Tumblr suddenly decided they don't like me using images and won't share my posts in search. You will find this same post with episode images directly on my blog]

Edit: Tumblr has now red flagged my original post that had the episodes posters in it, so it's no longer available. No explanation as to why they would find official Disney+ promotional material so offensive.

[slaaverin]

Hey Slavv

you’re video edit was wonderful, thank you for sharing it with us

I just wondered what you thought about the episode as a whole? Did the baby conversation make you take pause? I hope they are able to stay together despite not being able to be parents in the future.

Ohh thank you so much 💜

This question is quite hard for me to answer properly.

First of all, I really loved it. I had a very peculiar and quite strong reaction to it. I'll try to put it in words the best I can.

I'll start with a simple thing: in my 7 years of being a jikooker, that is all I ever wanted to see from them.

Being relaxed, happy, joyous, authentic, confortable.

So this felt like some kind of apoteose. Everything came full circle. For them & for me.

When you think about it, nothing really happened in this episode, they were doing the most mundane things, but there was this vibe of the most comfort, the most warmth, the most quiet and simple love, that my heart was deeply touched by it and after it hit me I really had no words to describe the feeling I had. It's deep stuff lol

Somehow they always exceed my expectations. I'm not those people who say "I expect nothing so I won't get disappointed". No, I expect things. But not because I want them to do certain stuff, more because I feel I know them sufficiently, and some of their patterns, and I see them within the love umbrella, so it gets easier and easier to predict what they might do or not. How crazy this is that they check absolutely all the boxes everytime and confirm every theory? I'm trying to stay sane of mind over here but no they want me to be the most delulu lol

Of course the ambiance really helped the episode to feel dream-like. And we know how much Japan means to them. JK must have said 384737 times how much he loved it and how happy he was.

Nothing was hanging on their shoulders anymore, no burdens, and I think that's why they were able to enjoy it this much.

It's quite insane when you think about it how fluid this all was. Like nothing felt out of place, conversation flowed easily, they are on the same wavelength about everything, they spoke openly, they had fun and let their inner child play, everything felt SO EASY. Their dynamic is just perfect, no hiccups, it just fits, jives, it clicks.

Now I am wondering how the hell they are not already a human representation of the Cosmic couple because if there is supposed to be a next level to this relationship I can't even imagine what that would look like. How much better can it get? It's so full of love already. Anyway I digress

About the child talk, firstly I was expecting this talk in Sapporo indeed. It was obvious they would at least mention it. So when I saw the scene I was already prepared mentally.

It doesn't make me worry about jikook because I think that if at some point they will want a child, they'll get to have one. Jimin or Jungkook can firstly adopt as a single parent (a bill has been passed about this in Korea recently) and then raise the child together unofficially. Or they can use a surrogate mother from overseas or something. You know they are filthy rich so I think if they REALLY want to, they would find a way.

But JK isn't ready about it yet lmao leave this man alone for now 😂

When and if it is the right time for the both of them there will be solutions so I'm not worried. This moment was really cute 🥰

Who knows what the future holds for them. Many years before we would have never expected to see them even shirtless, we would have not believed we would see their dynamic up this close in a show like this.

Things can evolve quickly. Who knows how things will develop with BTS as well, for how long will they remain a group?

It's true they are getting old, in "idol age".

Who knows how the country will evolve too?

I trust Jimin&Jungkook to make decisions about their future that will benefit them and their relationship. Maybe it will involve a child, maybe not. But I personally don't think they would break up because of this. You can see how precious their relationship is for them.

But only time will tell if I'm right.

Anyway, I could go over all the scenes of this episode and talk about it for hours.

I know this was an ephemeral dream for them this trip, like a time capsule, a bubble of normalcy, where everything is and means suddenly more. There was nothing and everything they needed at the same time. Ahh, so beautiful 🥺

I wish their lives were all the time like this, but it is what it is, they had to come down from the cloud, and face their duty, then it will be their schedule, and things will go back to regular program.

But for now I don't mind losing myself in the dream with them, and float, and pretend everything is the way they want it to be.

"All for your happiness" Jimin said

If they are happy, I am happy.

Let's enjoy those next 2 eps, I think we're in for other surprises.

Thank you for your ask 💜

[clairedaring]

Hello!!

Hmm after watching ep 7, I’m not sure I want Kan and Thiu to end up together 😅😅 I can’t believe Kan severely injured then killed Boss so that Thiu doesn’t find out the truth about his mum. I’ve been empathetic towards Kan’s perspective about euthanasia but I feel killing Boss goes against his own view.

While I enjoyed the few sweet and domestic moments between Kan and Thiu, a relationship with a foundation of lies realistically won’t last. They’re both gonna be hurt, especially Thiu. I do hope Kan decides to tell Thiu the truth in ep 8 though. I didn’t read the novel and I’m wondering if Kan admitted the truth about Thiu’s mum to Thiu in the novel?

on a side note, I’ve been really impressed with JJ and Tor’s acting and have enjoyed their chemistry. I know this might be unlikely but I hope they pair up again in another series, preferably a rom-com so I don’t get stressed on a weekly basis 😂😂

hope you have a good day ahead! 💛

Hi nonnie (┬┬﹏┬┬)

Right!?!!??!??!1 I totally get you nonnie. I really hope you don't mind me spoiling the novel below the cut with you.

Soooo where we at in the series is very similar to where Kan and Wasan were at the end of Book 1, Kan is still hiding secrets from Wasan - Wasan finding out his mom wasn't 'killed' by the serial killer but he's ignoring that anyway to live his life blissfully with Kan -> leading to them being boyfriends but still having that huge wall of secrecy between them (both hiding things they know from each other) and Book 2 addresses that by having Kan faced legal consequences for some of his actions and there's a really dramatic arc where Wasan finds out about Kan euthanising his mom and Kan begging for his forgiveness.

The series has adjusted so much, taking some things from Book 2 but then not adapting some stuff. I really can't tell you if they'll be able to adapt that dramatic scene where Kan begs for Wasan's forgiveness because he's still hiding secrets from his boyfriend in this ep.

Your feeling of not wanting them to end up together is exactly correct because they shouldn't be together yet. How can they be happy together with all these lies between them ಥ_ಥ I think the novel did well in having them end up together but it's after many other events that the series has yet to covered and when they have undergone massive character development and mindset changes.

I too sincerely hope Kan tells Wasan everything in EP. 8. Like Mr. Doctor do you know that you have only have ONE episode left sirrrrrrr 😭

Yea I think it's unlikely that we'll meet Tor & JJ in another project soon since they're independent actors but I'm very glad they came to deliver this work because it's so rare to witness Thai series touching controversial topics, much less for it to be a primetime series with an excellent cast.

The writing for SMYM may not be perfect with obvious illogicalities or flaws here and there but the design of the characters and certain details have been almost immaculate and I must thank the strong cast for salvaging this script and keeping me absolutely hooked each week.

EDIT: because I completely forgot your OG question is about the ending of SMYM. I think One31 has had a streak with giving their OneD originals sad endings this year so I'm actually very mentally prepared for the ending of SMYM since it definitely can't be as bad as the two last ones I've seen (re: the leads dying from being executed or being shot dead) from One31. At most, Kan and Wasan will break up and you know what I'm also fine with that, serves Kan right for keep lying to man you wanna date.

[bre1995]

Fellow Traveler Scenes that make me sad

Hello everyone again!! This post is going to be another lengthy one, but I hope that you enjoy <3

(Yes I know there are a lot of these moments, but these are the ones from pretty much each episode that just shatter me each time)

In episode 1 when Marcus shows up you can see the scared look on Hawks face and then when Marcus is talking about Tim. I know a lot of things went down and Hawk kept his distance, but that doesn't mean he still wasn't scared.

Episode 2 when Hawk is making Skippy write that letter. You know 99% of those words are for Tim and you can see Hawk getting emotional when saying them and when Tim stops writing you know that he realizes that those words aren't just for Mary they are for Tim and that just shatters me.

Episode 3 when Hawk goes to Tim's apartment and even though Mary and Marcus had been telling him how bad things were, Hawk witnessing it for himself completely overwhelmed him and you could see it on his face. Also, when he excuses himself to the bathroom and almost starts crying because he realizes that he will be losing his Skippy sooner than he thinks. Then later in the restaurant when Tim is singing 'Perhaps' he looks at Hawk and some of the words he's singing and the force in which he says them you know are directed at Hawk and then he gets upset when he realizes he has embarrassed Hawk.

Episode 4 When Hawk has to take the lie detector test. Him having to mentally and physically prepare himself so that he can pass. Him lying about loving Tim (which was also was the longest pause of any of the questions), but that is also one of my favorite parts because he was wearing the tie Tim got him for Christmas, but the fact that he had to lie just to be able to keep his job. Just broke my heart, but also talking to Marcus you could tell that he felt completely guilty and broke his own heart. Also, in episode 4 which I know it's in the beginning when Hawk and Tim get into that huge fight and then at the end of the episode he apologizes, but Tim isn't there, but also him saying Skip instead of Skippy. There's just something about it that I can't explain.

Episode 5 Hawk not only breaks his own heart, but Tims too when he tells Tim that he's going to ask Lucy to marry him. When Hawk says that you can SEE it on his face that he doesn't want this to be happening and doesn't want to do it, but he FEELS like it's what he has to do. Also, Tim you can tell was absolutely shattered too and I know that's why he ends up signing up for the army. In this same episode when Hawk and Tim are in the bell tower and Hawk goes "Skippy, I didn't raise my boy to be a soldier." Hawk is so sad, broken, and doesn't want this to be happening. Also, Tim's "promise you won't write." These two love each other so much and it just pains me they can't be together the way they want to.

Episode 6 when Skippy comes to the house and looks in from the trees and sees Hawk with his family. I do love Tims bond with Jackson and the conversation they had about Hawk. In that moment you can tell Tim has no resentment fully towards Hawk at all and understands how he has to love and HOW he loves.

Episode 7 I know the threesome was sloppy and everything, but the small little moments between Skippy and Hawk just make me tear up. When Tim starts rubbing Hawks back and plays with his earlobe like he's always done thats my sign of him saying "I'm here for you and I've got you." The next part in this clip is when Hawk sees Jacksons picture and fully shuts down and starts to panic. Then him starting to break down and apologizing because he feels like he can't cry and Tim tells him its ok and then thats when Hawk fully lets go. Hawks "Let me die." Literally SHATTERS my heart. Hawk is so broken and hurt and that just makes me hurt. But when he full on has the breakdown is when I lost it. You can just see all the pain and anguish on his face. He really did need Skippy. At the end of the episode even though he has no one to blame, but himself, Hawk starting to panic and freak out about Skippy leaving and saying he's free of Hawk really got to him. He felt like he lost him again forever. Then the flash to the present of Hawk at the hospital while Skippy is in the hospital bed. The fear and sadness on his face. But that kiss to the forehead in a public place just makes me tear up so, so hard. It was the first time Hawk had done something like that in a public setting.

Finally episode 8 the one that never fails to make me SOB every time. Tim telling Hawk that he woke up not knowing who he was and Hawk saying "Timothy David Laughlin, that adorable Catholic Boy from Staten Island." Tim returning from the army and reuniting with Hawk (yeah I know that's not sad, but it is special) and him almost getting his dream job. Recommended by Hawk and then skip to the naked slow dance (which is just so beautiful and emotional in itself) you see Hawk so at peace and happy then he's ever been and then Tim says they will be colleagues and see each other every day. You could immediately see the panic and fear on Hawks face. Then you get Hawk turning Tim in and then crying to Mary (rightfully so). Then going to the hospital to see baby Jackson and immediately thats when we and Tim find out why Hawk did what he did, but it doesn't make it any easier. Skip to Hawk climbing into Tim's hospital bed and holding him and Tim saying "I feel like I'm fading away. I'm disappearing a little every day." the way he says it just shatters me (I'm crying even typing it). Then eventually Hawk asking if he owns a tuxedo, them at the gala, and of course Tim's speech to Hawk. "I have loved you my whole life. I've never loved anyone, but you. You were my great, consuming love. And most people don't get one of those. I did. I have no regrets." That whole part of the speech makes me cry every time. Add on top of Hawk's kiss and Tim savoring it and then teasing Hawk like he always does. Tim wiping away Hawk's tears. Hawk telling Tim that he wants to show up for Tim, but Tim (understandably) sends him home. Even though Tim is his home. The "Hey Skippy! Promise you won't write" "I won't" being their last words to each other. My goodness let the tears roll. (Again crying while typing this). Skip to the Aids Quilt and Hawk finds Tims square and Kimberly coming up to him. Hawk trying to hide his tears and then just letting them flow with the quote "Sweetheart, he wasn't my friend. He was the man I loved." *Cue more tears from me* I know it took him until after Tim died to admit it, but I choose to believe that in that moment Tim was looking down and would be so, so proud of Hawk. I'm also glad that he has Kimberly and she's still sticking by his side. But the show ending on that note is so beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. I know this was another long one, but I'm so passionate about this show. Please feel free to share your favorite moments or even add to this!! I am up for conversation anytime :)

[dk-wren]

I haven't seen anyone talk about this yet, but it's something I caught/thought about while watching ep. 11. (If someone has already pointed this out and provided a more in-depth and eloquent explanation, then my apologies).

This is one of the first times Kazuki is shown fighting with a gun in the main timeline. I might be wrong, but the only other time Kazuki is shown fighting with a gun is in ep. 7's flashback to the night Yuzuko was killed.

Kazuki has been shown handling a gun in promotional art and technically used a gun in the prologue of ep. 1. (While you might disagree, I'm not really counting that moment since, at least for me, it's still unclear as to where the prologue falls into the overall BD timeline and there wasn't much of a fight leading up to Kazuki firing it). With this in mind, ep. 11 is the first time we really see him in action with a gun.

For one thing, as Rei talks about in this episode, Kazuki is the "brains" of the duo. So, when they work together, Kazuki does most of the recon, scouting, and distracting (Exp: their assigment from ep. 2 or Rei mentioning how the scout missions Kyu gave them in ep. 5 matches more with Kazuki's typical work). Since this series has more or less revolved around Kazuki and Rei as a team, we've only really seen Kazuki on missions with Rei, who is likely the better-trained or more accurate shooter/gunsman. Therefore, Kazuki takes on the more info gatherer role. Also, as an assassin, I highly doubt Kazuki is that inept at using a gun. Instead, he's just normally not in a role that requires him to use one.

I like to think Kazuki hasn't used or fought with a gun since Yuzuko's death. This could potentially be because he links her death to the necessity of fighting with a gun or after her death, Kyu did not believe Kazuki was mentally in a space to handle a gun or a mission that might require him to use one. Or perhaps, Kazuki was always more interested in and better at his scouting assignments, so once he was paired with Rei, he no longer felt the need to have to continue fighting in this way (or refusing missions that required him to use a gun).

Regardless, I think it would be so interesting that Kazuki's concern over Miri's safety is what pulls him out of this fear or refusal to fight with a gun. Someone, or rather Ogino (again), is threatening his family, so Kazuki's gonna do whatever it takes to protect them.

Given his line of work, I think Kazuki has a deep understanding of how guns can destroy and can protect. In Yuzuko's case, Kazuki witnessed the destructive and deadly side of the gun. After spending years reflecting on this, and recently giving himself the permission to change as a person, when it comes to Miri and Misaki, Kazuki now understands how he can use this weapon of death to protect the ones he loves. Yes, it is still a bringer of death, but this time Kazuki is gonna try everything in his power to not allow it to be for his family.

While Misaki did not survive, Kazuki was able to protect Miri. I don't think "inspired" is the right word, but something about Miri being in life-threatening danger is what caused Kazuki to just rush into the Unasaka's apartment, ready to fight whoever was threatening his little Miri. Kazuki fighting in a way that is unlike his normal style on assignments and being so willing to run into battle with little preparation was just one of the many things that stuck out to me from this episode. Essentially, Miri was in danger and Kazuki was gonna stop at nothing to protect her, perhaps that's why he opted for a gun this time. Kazuki was gonna use the weapon he associates and has first hand experience with, in terms of its ability to cause death, to take out any threat that would try to harm Miri.

[jjs-other-other-blog]

It's insane how much supernatural's tptb hated Castiel. At some point during season 6 they must've realised "wait a second, a lot of the fans are starting to get really attached to the side characters instead of focusing on the brothers".

And it kinda makes sense, season 6 was a bit of a mess what with Dean trying to keep his thing with Lisa going, Sam being soulless, the Campbell's running around, civil war in heaven, the Alphas, the mother of all monsters being a thing, Cas plotting with Crowley, ... There was a lot going on, Kripke had just left the show and they were trying to find their footing after finishing the big heaven vs hell - Lucifer vs Michael - apocalypse arc.

So in preparation for season 7 they apparently decided to make some changes. Cas gets a quick moment of redemption and is then promptly killed off, Crowley only really appears in 5 episodes that season, Bobby gets killed off as well. They end up bringing Cas back of course, but he's only in a handful of episode in season 7 while in any other season after his original introduction to the show he appears in well over 10 episodes.

After that they start making Cas "smaller" in other ways. In season 6 he was already seperated from the Winchesters and made an antagonist of theirs, but he was still very present and plenty powerful. He was on the wrong track, not quite unlike Sam wanting to use demon blood for the right reasons, but still a powerful angel. Everything afterwards though seems to be a thinly veiled "Sam and Dean are the main characters here and stronger and more important than Cas" message.

[In season 7 he loses his memory, then his mind. In season 8 he gets brainwashed and tricked by Metatron (which makes him appear slightly naive and gullible, easy to manipulate, even though his core character trait as shown in seasons 4&5 is the exact opposite - he has doubts, he questions his orders and has his own, strong moral compass). In season 9 he loses all his powers, hits a new low, becomes human, defenseless, vulnerable, even dies because of it. Season 10 has him struggling with his powers again, his stolen grace slowly fading and even after getting back his own grace he's not back to full angel power. In season 11 he gets tricked and used as a weapon again first by Rowena then by Lucifer. Season 12 is pretty similar to 6, we see more badass Cas following his own agenda (even if the Winchesters disagree with him), but he's still not back to full power. The last three seasons I didn't watch personally, but as far as I'm aware they're more about interpersonal drama, he still seems to make a bunch of mistakes in the eyes of Sam and Dean, he never gets his full powers back.]

In short: He's constantly presented as this guy who's generally trying to help and who used to be strong, too, but now he's physically, mentally and emotionally fragile and often additionally untrustworthy, he needs to be saved from himself before he makes another stupid mistake.

And even inbetween the big plot points he's constantly overpowered in fights where even Sam or Dean come out on top - even though Cas is a seasoned warrior, a military expert and excellent fighter with at least some super strength left. There's no logical explanation for that.

Now lucky for us, us Cas fans we don't automatically assume the Winchesters are right and Cas is at fault for everything that happens, a lot of us are in fact rather critical of Sam and Dean. Also a lot of the above mentioned plots were actually super interesting. Cas becoming human for example was intense. Tptb also miscalculated big time: Making Cas less badass and powerful never made us love him any less. The pattern however remains.

[yoon-topias]

Yoontopia | Chapter 7 { Meteor crashing }

⟡ Warnings: Strong language, depression, mental health issues, references to self harm, references to violence, references to sexual assault, manic episodes, smoking, risky behavior, jealousy, angst and Smut.

⟡ 18+ (minors DNI, some chapters have mature content)

⟡ Best friend's older brother x OC

⟡ Summary: Yoongi gets home and realization of the weight of what’s happening between him and Vi, hits him. He needs Jin to help him gain his stability before going back to her.

⟡ 8.2k words

Yoongi Pov:

leaving her place it all feels rushed. I'm rushing down the stairs, not evening taking the elevator. I don't have time to waste when I only have thirty six hours left with her. Me and stairs are mortal enemies. The guy who doesn't even like to wake up is taking the stairs by choice? never thought I'd do it. Hell I even put on my helmet before getting down the stairs. I know what's ahead of me, but it's not gonna stop me from spending as much time with her as I can. As mine.

Getting to the end of the stairs I push open the metal door to the outside instead of the hallway, sorry Joon I'll catch you up later. I know her place will turn into my very own solace when she is away.

I round the corner of the building and see my bike out front. Two more times max I'll leave this place knowing I'll see her again, soon at least. I can never stay away for long. It's a weakness of mine, the only time I have been away for a while was not by choice but by my medical team. As I walk up to my bike I buckle my helmet. I should just carry my meds with me everywhere I go, but leaving even if it's for a short period of time will let me take in everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours. I can talk to Jin and get my head on straight, prepare for the next-

Pulling my phone out and looking at the time. Thirty six hours and fifty-five minutes. I let out a shaky deep breath, unlocking my phone, going to the clock app and making my count down for the time I have left with her. I know it'll hurt me to look at my phone every time to see it counting down the hours to the seconds left but I don't plan on spending time on my phone. Only with Vi.

Swinging my leg over on my bike, turning the key to position myself, kicking the stand and placing my phone in the stand. I send her a text even though she just said bye to me.

Me: Leaving. Don't miss me too much princess.

Vi: I can still hear your bike mister. You're not gone yet. Thirty six hours and fifty seven minutes left.

As I read her text I hear a knocking sound looking up. I see her in her window with the curtain drawn only in her sports bra and shorts looking down at me with the window cracked pointing at her phone. "Hurry up, your princess is waiting!" I smirk and rev my bike, holding my hand out to signal I'm getting into the lane and drive off knowing what I'm leaving behind is my utopia that just hung up pictures on the walls and those fucking glow in dark stars.

Driving down the road feels different this morning after what has happened I don't know what I'll do without her. Will I spiral? Will I go into an episode? Whatever may happen I can handle it and I can’t tell her I'm fucking terrified the near future.

Needing to get out of my head I tighten the drip on my bike squeezing out any uncertainty from my body, maybe. Just maybe it'll work and release It all out of me. I want to honestly punch something so hard that maybe I can get Joon to go to the gym with me and hit the bag a couple times. No a couple thousand times until I see the amount of times I hit in on my knuckles.

It helps a little, I lean down and turn my hand on the throttle. I need to feel something other than uncertainty. Why is it every time I leave her I get more anxious but this feels different like my chest is caving in and crushing every vessel in my heart.

Focusing on the road ahead of me, gripping the throttle accelerating to a speed that is more than illegal. Fuck it you only live once. I'm on my seventh life, second chances? I have had six and I'm currently running on borrowed time with the devil.

I take my left hand off my handle and hold out my middle, pointer and thumb in an L shape quickly to indicate the way I'm turning. I may be on borrowed time, but this time I want to see how far I can make it.

When I take the turn to get on my road not living far from her has perks but also can be troublesome. When I would take my late night rides and see her walking up the stairs hand in hand with that guy Taehyung. I got nothing against the guy. I'm happy he was there for her when I couldn't be. Let's just say I started taking a right instead of left during that time after the third occurrence.

We may live only a few roads away from each other, but our apartment is definitely an old shoe box. An old building with red bricks faded to a light hue of red mixed with gray. I see why it doesn't impress anyone, but it's home to Jin and I. Could we afford more? Yes, why don't we move then? Because I can't find anything close to Vi the location is prime. We're literally on the waiting list for all the apartments buildings nearby, even her building.

I make one last turn into the alley by our apartment where I park my bike and can never find a spot on the road, luckily both the shops that share this alley don't mind me parking it here even encouraged it said maybe it would keep people from coming back there. Could I park my bike at the shop? yes but then I would have to either walk or ride the bus and once the last bus for the night stops running it would be a long walk. I need it at arms reach distance. It's part of me.

I slow down once I get to the end of the alley where I meet a brick wall where another building blocks the exit, kicking my stand once my feet touch the ground. Taking a deep breath, flipping the off switch on my bike and taking the keys out. I look down at my phone in the holder and tap on the screen. Thirty five hours and forty eight minutes. It’s time to tell Jin everything god I know he is gonna scream like a little girl, but at least seeing him happy for how far we have come will be true happiness but also I'm not sure I'm ready to tell him her plans, our plans.

A damn cig would be so fucking good the way the smoke would fill my lungs and rid me from this feeling, I can picture it now the moment I inhale my eyes slowly shut, the warmth of the smoke down my throat, the sound of the cherry growing closer to the nib at the end. No Yoongi think of pineapple.

Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple.

The way the surgery lollipop hits my tongue, my tongue piercing hitting the round lollipop. It's sweet with a hint of tanginess. Why do I always focus on the sweetness? Well its cause' Vi is sweet and I can only see her being sweet even though I have seen all sides of her. It would cause my saliva to grow in my mouth and I need to swallow and as I do it hits my throat the sweetness traveling down becoming one with my body like she already has invaded my mind. My utopia. She only has my physical body left to take which I'd give up in a heartbeat if she accepts all my flaws. The ones I have done to my own body.

I shake my head, needing to get out of this headspace, swing my leg over and get off my bike, taking my helmet off. I shove my keys in my pocket, the damn key that is burning a hole in my pocket, her key with the damn purple heart on it as her spare that is now mine. Grabbing my phone off the holder and putting it in my pocket. I tap the seat where she sits. She is the only backpack I need, my forever backpack.

My helmet suddenly feels like the weight of the world my arm drops and I've gotten used to the weight of the world on me, turning to walk to the end of the alley to take a left and two doors down is the entrance to our building. There is no fancy door code or any security, but it's home. As I round the corner I see one of the one night stands I have had. Maybe call it a repeat customer for both of us cause' she is also trying to escape her relationship issues with some kid named 'Chim'. We never go too deep into it but we tell each other bits and pieces. I know that isn't his real name but I don't need to know it. We confided in each when both are at our lows. Maybe that's why we're both repeat customers. I neither have the time or want to be sucked into it today even after we cut ties of the fucking side of things she still comes to me about him.

Okay sometimes get each other off, but set a hard limit of no sex anymore. I'm trying to be better not only for Vi but for myself and everyone around me. Not having a hoodie on is a pain trying to hide behind people to get into my building without her seeing me is going to be a struggle. She is looking the other direction towards the other way not where I'm coming from, rushing around the guy I was hiding behind out in the open in hopes she stays turned away from my directions. Bolting up the stairs making it in without her seeing me taking the biggest breath in.

I make my way to the stairs. Elevator? No, we don't have that luxury. I don't know what I'm about to walk into. How Jin is going to react or if he's on the couch again ass naked with Hobi again I’m turning back around. Pushing the door open to our floor, it's the seventh door down. I knock not once but three times as I unlock the door giving him warning in case I walk into some unspeakable acts. As I crack the door I hear Jin yell "He's gone it's just me." I let the air out of my lungs not even realizing I was holding my breath.

I feel a wave wash over me as I step foot into my home. It may not be the best place but it's home. Many nights and days have been spent here in the comfort of Jin's arms that I don't tell anyone but I need a hug sometimes and he doesn't question it, knows I'm not the type for it but if I'm asking or rushing in for one to not ask or pester about it. He is walking out of his room as I drop my helmet on the floor after shutting the door and it's all hitting me, slinging my bag on the floor and rushing forward to Jin and he just opens his arms and accepts me the way I'm.

"hey what's goin' on is the little monster mad at you?" He pats my back.

"Worse it's so much worse, Jin '' my fists bunch up the Fabric of his shirt he is wearing, shaking a little it's a soft material squeezable not hard like the throttle it's different. I feel my nails through the fabric squeezing so tight I can feel them meet my inner fist. "Well why don't you tell me and I'll see what I can do to help wrap your brain around it Yoongi." I just needed to let it out because I just couldn't because the time I have with her can't be me losing my shit. It just can't. I won't let it.

I take a deep breath in and get the smell of him and Hobi on his shirt. There is this weird comfort of knowing Jin is hugging me right now. If it was anyone else I probably would run to my room, shut the door and lock them out, but it's Jin I can trust him and he has shown me over and over I can trust him. "Let's go to the couch okay bud? or do you want your room?" All I can do is squeeze the fabric in my hand and finally cave "Room." He hums in response and he pats my back two times. "Okay go meet me there I’ma lock the door and get your back up meds from my room you know the ones Yoon."

He is talking about the more sedating ones for when I'm in a episode the only thing to bring me back to reality even if it's for a small amount of time, but if I took them daily it would be too much so they are the second line of rescue in my plan. "Okay, b-but I'm not taking them." making myself clear.

"Bud you know you won't have a choice, you'll look at my face and take them if I say this is what you need to do." He knows it's so hard for me to say no to him. There is a reason he is the first person I have opened up to like this. let him see this side of me. "I hate that you're right."

"You can hate me all you want, but I'm going to keep you in a stable mindset and help you work through whatever this is." I nod my head letting go of his shirt, turning to walk to my room with those damn silk sheets that invade my mind. I look to the door and I see Jin picking up my backpack and helmet. He really is cleaning up after my mess and doesn't even complain anytime. He knows I'm grateful for him. I don't often tell him but I have actions I do, and even wrote a letter last time I was in inpatient. It's hard for me to express what I'm feeling so they suggested writing it down to him. It was a four page long letter and I have often caught him re-reading it after an episode I know he struggles sometimes must be so draining to deal with me. last thing I would want is a best friend like me, why does he do it to himself?

We have done therapy together meaning him coming to my appointments and he has even told me how he feels. There is no grudge or resentment towards me but my mind can't help but think he hates me and puts up with me just because he is scared of what I'll do if he leaves.

I open my door and see the curtains are drawn open. Needing them shut, darkness is what I need, grabbing both ends and closing them. Taking my phone out of my pocket I want to avoid it at all costs but I know I need to check it. I felt it vibrate when I was hugging Jin not once but twice.

looking at my screen I see a text from Vi and Hans. Also that fucking cursed timer. Thirty five hours and twenty-six minutes how is time goin' by so quickly how long was I holding on to Jin? why can't I tell how much time it has been? unlocking my phone I read both their texts-

Hans: So she told you? She told the building manager about it and had to put it in writing that she would be out of the apartment for a while but still paying. She doesn't know I found out about it. Vi just called me packing and told me. I called her out on it and she apologized but doesn't know what to do about you. Also she was panicking thinking I would hate her for kissing my brother. I laughed at her just so you know I have always been team Yoongi even if you're my brother.

I don't know what to say to Hans. I'll call her later. I can't go all into it with her right now but I need to let some of this out like she knew and didn't tell me that throwing stuff at me is only going to make me worse.

Me: couldn't have told me? I know it wasn't your place but Hans its less than two days I'm finding out and WE FUCKING KISSED NOT JUST ONCE. I'M TRYING SO HARD TO STAY GROUNDED. I'll call you tonight, I'm about to talk to Jin about it and try to get a grasp on my reality.

exiting our chat and clicking on Vi's and I smile a little at her profile pic she picked for herself in my phone. I'd let her pick any pic she wanted and I'd stare at it day in and day out, sometimes forgetting to hit the answer button when she called just looking at her.

Vi: I told Hans but she didn't seem shocked. HOW can she not hate me for not telling her like ALSO HER BROTHER. FUCK BUT I LIKE YOU YOONGI AND I FEEL I DON'T DESERVE IT.

Me: First Violet calm down, she doesn't and won't hate you. Second, she has always known what I think of you. She caught on months after you started hanging out. She just kept it between her and I. I like you too, my overly anxious girl. You deserve everything. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. Now PACK the more you get done before I get there the more time we have. Jin needs some help with a few things so I'll be a little bit longer than just taking my meds.

I feel a hand on my shoulder bringing me back into reality. "Hey I'm here Yoongi you zoned out into your phone. Put it on silent so we can talk Kay?" I nod my head and switch the ringing to silent if there's an issue they can call twice and it'll push the call through on the second time. I use that feature too often when I'm on my late night rides. Jin gets pissed about it and says I should answer on the first ring what if he was dying or something more than half the time it's him saying he wants me home at a reasonable hour to know I'm okay cause he'll stay up until I'm back most times. If it's him and Hobi they'll both stay on the couch hanging out watching an anime or something waiting for me. I wonder if Hobi ever gets mad or upset about how Jin treats me. If I was Hobi I know I would feel some type of way but I'm possessive.

I set my phone on my nightstand, kicking off my boots without untying them and getting into my utopia that is becoming one with my reality and I don't know how to handle it. Will it all crumble once they fully collide like a meteor hitting earth?

These damn sheets feel so soft and silky I run my hand on them as Jin is holding out my pill container with water. "You at least need to take your daily and we'll access the situation after you tell me what's goin' on.”

I fucking wish this was painted black and purple I run my thumb over the Monday slot. Sighing thinking is this really my reality to feel normal. Whatever the fuck that is anymore. Popping it open the four pills that keep me from losing myself again. Hoping they work to be honest. Tilting my head back and letting them fall into my mouth. Two. Three. Four. Water.

"Good now what's going on?" Looking up to him now sitting in front of me on my bed with another bottle in hand, the bottle that I do not want to have relay on hell I don't want to relay on any of these. I feel my hand shaking on sheets. I can't control it. My mind feels like it is racing but feeling nothing all at once. I take a shaky breath. "I-I kissed her not just once." I feel him slap my knee. "That's what this is about how is that worse Yoongi you both finally came to terms what-"

"No!" Slamming my fist on the bed.

"Yoongi it's okay to feel your feelings. I know a lot must be-"

"Jin! She’s leaving Right when I finally told her! I finally kissed her god she feels like the head rush when the xan kicks in and I'm losing it all!" Grabbing my phone and look at my timer "in fucking thirty five hours and thirteen minutes." flipping it to show him.

"Oh god you have a damn timer Yoongi. You know what that's gonna do to you? You're just giving yourself impending doom. Delete the damn thing." he points at my phone in hand shaking my head no and he holds his hand out doing a motion as if to give him my phone. "No you know I'm just gonna count it down in my head anyways let me have it"

"Fine but where do you want to start to break this down like we have learned in therapy together? Or do we need to call your therapist?"

I feel my chest rising up and down fighting my hold on my phone like it's my heart crushing every vessel in my heart. "Fuck."

"Well that's at least a word." What is he my therapist? He knows what to say and brings it out of me and makes me think about how I'm acting. If I'm being honest I don't feel bad about how I'm acting. Losing the one thing that has kept me going for years without even knowing. The uncertainty of not knowing how often I'll talk to her or even see her face. Will she eat okay? Will she get home safe? What part of town will she be in? Fuck how will she be okay alone she worries with sounds from outside. "You there?" he waves his hand in front of my face.

"Y-yeah J-Jin give it to me I need it." I hold out my hand and am ready to accept the fact that I need this drug to bring me back to think rationally. "Do you want this or do you want to try a xan?" He is concerned but is also considerate of what I want even if he knows I need this and it will end up with me taking that little white pill, but still makes me feel like I have the option. "No, I need it." he nods and opens the bottle placing the pill in my hand.

No thoughts, just swinging my head back with my hand letting I fall into my mouth the water is handed to me by Jin and I chug it fifteen minutes it'll kick. Just fifteen minutes. "Wanna wait until it kicks in?" I nod I can't talk I need to just feel what I'm feeling until it hits. "That's okay, let's shut the door and turn on that light of yours." He gets up from my bed, shutting the door, opens his phone and connects to the starlight turning on the blue and purple setting with the light green stars on the ceiling.

Vi doesn't need to know I have one also that she is the reason she brought it into my utopia making it homey. He doesn't even question it anymore. He gets into this mode every time I'm losing what I say, in other words an episode coming on. I straighten out my legs and look up at the ceiling waiting for it to hit me that it'll be okay. Will it ever be okay? I'm fucking stupid for thinking it'll be okay. It's already triggering me and I don't know how to bring myself back.

I feel the weight of the bed shift he is laying next to me. We have spent many nights like this talking through my thoughts. Honestly don't know what I would do without him probably be six feet under. "You doin' okay over there? The stars are calming right? Let's just focus on them."

Letting out the smallest "Okay." to him give him some sort of comfort that I haven't totally lost, because when I completely lose it I don't talk at the beginning. The nebula swirling across my ceiling is calming the blue and purple swirling together. Maybe that's me and Vi in another universe.

"Why do I feel like I wanna hit everything and smash it into millions of pieces, but I can’t get myself to do it?"

"Because you know deep down it would be worse than accepting how you feel, the aftermath that would come with it."

All the therapy really has been working at least to some extent I guess because before I would have broken everything in this room throwing it into ruble and all that would be left, would be me in a pile of ruble. Always after there is a sense of how did I do this again? haven't I learned? I don't bring Vi here for a reason because sometimes I don't know what I have done until after I'm fully out of the episode.

The meds are hitting and I'm feeling calm, more collected but my brain can't wrap itself around what is happening. Why when my utopia and reality are colliding I'm losing it all? Do I not get a happy ending?

Will I forever be locked in my utopia that she has built just not in the physical world? The sad thing is I'd accept it if I knew that was my fate.

"You ready to tell me?" he looks over at me and I slowly turn my head to face him "Yeah." Taking in a deep breath thinking of smoke filling my lungs, the gray smoke encompassing me taking me to another state of mind as I exhale I choose to distance myself from my emotions, lock them away in the annex by themselves and become emotionless as I tell him. "You're doing it again Yoongi. You can't lock them away, I see your face change."

"Just this once Jin I need it."

"Fine but next time you are sitting with those emotions while telling me"

I know I need to learn how to sit with my emotions honestly between yesterday and this morning. I'd say this is the longest I just sat on the emotions in my mind invading my utopia. I can't look at him when I tell I'm a coward. Guess one of us has to be one right? Because he looks at me even when I can't look at him.

"W-we started this damn deal that she would help me stop smoking. Those fucking lollipops will be the end of me."

"You mean those pineapple one's?" I hum in response to his question.

Wishing that taste was filling my mouth with the sweet and tangy bliss, no I wish it was her giving it to me when our lips locked.

"But what she didn't know was that those lollipop's caused something to rumble inside of me all the time. I would sneak one as guilty pleasure thinking 'this is what she tastes like'. God how fucked Am I? Jin to do that and now it's the only thing keeping me from hitting a cig. Ya know the only other thing to fill my senses other than pills. Her side of the deal was to accept any compliment I give her and learn to love herself again mentally and physically."

I clench my fist needing to feel something other than emptiness. Why do I lock my emotions up? Well it's the only way I don't let them feed themselves into anger with more emotion than I can handle. Locking them away for the safety of others. Maybe if I lock them away forever I can settle finally. Breathe.

"Well let me help you break this down." he grabs my fist making me unclench it looking at my hand seeing the indents from my nails starting to break my skin without realizing. "So she wants you to be healthy, correct?" I hum in response.

"Then you stopped smoking using the lollipops as a crutch but in your mind she turned into that crutch, but what you're not seeing Yoongi she has always been that crutch the cigs were what you told yourself was what filled your senses. Your mind. You started smoking when you pulled away from her in treatment. Sometimes we all need something to take away what our mind fills our head with. I do it, everyone does it. As for her part Yoongi, why the hell would she accept that side of the deal if she didn't have any feelings for you. Towards you."

After that his voice fades out a little bit looking at the swirling colors on the ceiling. During the longest inpatient treatment lasted a couple months I would sneak drags here and there from the other patients always after therapy talking about family and Vi was a part of it she was and is always a part of me. Missing her smile the little teeth gap she has always hated but I found it so cute when she would fill her mouth with water and spray it at us like a water gun when Hans and I would pick on her out of love. When I didn't have her texts read to me cause she stopped texting as often during the longest it drove me insane where they extended the treatment. I don't notice how much I rely on her for support. The cigs became the thing I used when I didn't have her or trying to hold myself back, locking those feelings up in my utopia only for myself to visit when I craved it like a drug.

I feel my shoulder being shaken blinking, turning my head in his direction "W-what Jin fuck!"

"You zoned out again. It was a few minutes again. You forget I know your cues. I waited to see if you would find your way back to me but it wasn't happening." so he wasn't still talking? I need to rein myself in before I lose it. The last thing I need is Jin admitting me.

"You're right she was the crutch, the cigs was just a crutch from her. I picked up smoking so much more when she was with Taehyung. Wasn't my place to be around her that often when she was with him. but what will I do without the crutch Jin can't keep the promise to not smoke if she isn't here" he grabs my hand to give me some sort of comfort I know this I don't want a hug or the weight of anyone on me just a little 'I'm here' is enough to help ground me back to reality.

"You're gonna spend the next however long you have with her and take her to that company party you even put on our fridge calendar with a Purple Heart like a teenage girl going on her first date. Show her she is gorgeous."

"Watch it Jin." I tighten my squeeze on his hand

"God, you know you're so possessive. I'm. G-A-Y. Gay. Now listen to me I know that girl doesn't show everything going on in that mind of hers. I can tell just from what I learned from research about you. it's not my place to know but for the love of god do not hurt her. Don't run off and waste her time. I'm not only on your side but hers also I have watched her grow up and there is a protectiveness I have towards her. You may not see her like a little sister but I do."

Letting what he just said sit with me this possessive behavior will only cause me trouble. I mean but if it was some random guy fuck him, but it's Jin I need to tone it down with him hell even with Hans I get too possessive about Vi. How does he know about Vi? Was I too sucked into my emotions to pay attention to hers? Fuck. I did that. I was so caught up in finally feeling something that I didn't see her facial expressions looking back on it. I would see how her face would drop when we needed to go to her house before going to ours. The misty gray eyes would turn emotionless when she talked about her mom and dad. Her home life. How did I not fucking notice. "Yoongi! snap the fuck out of it you're hurting my hand." My eyes go wide and I-I hurt Jin no. No I can't do this to him I need to get out of this letting go of his hand and quickly. No rushing getting up from my bed running to the kitchen to make it to my backpack. I need the Xan on top of this.

"Yoongi, where are you going!" reaching my backpack I know he is on my heels, shaky hands un zipping my backpack I want the bottle not just the quarters cut in my keychain. opening the bottle and taking one and half no water needed. I'm too needy for it. "I see you needed it. I'm glad you're finally listening to your needs finally."

Dropping to my knees looking up at him "J-Jin I didn't mean to. I promise. I didn’t mean to hurt you, my head was spiraling and I didn't know what I was doing. P-please forgive me don't send me back I need to send this time with her" the tears are now rolling down my hot face cooling down the red cheeks painted on my face. I'm a mess.

Jin drops down in front of me and tries to pull me in for a hug "No I hurt you stay away." he pulls hard and it makes me cave, not risking hurting him again from pulling away "Its happens hell Hobi hit me in the balls last night on purpose do you see me hating him no. I forgive you. I know you didn't mean it. The last thing I would ever do is take your time away from her, but I need to know you can handle it. Is this spiral coming out of you because you're coming to terms with everything?" He is rubbing my back and accepting touch is always hard. Yeah, holding a hand is fine and I crave it sometimes, but hugging this close is not me unless it's Vi at least for this long. Talking into his chest knowing he isn't going to let me go anytime soon. "I- just want to be normal Jin."

He laughs at me. what the fuck did I say that was funny? "Normal is too boring, haven't you heard?"

"I'm sorry. You were right about everything. How didn't I notice her emotions all these years? It's all hitting me all at once Jin. I'm awful, like how could I love someone. Fucking love someone all these years and not notice her pain."

"because you were finding yourself along the way, stabling yourself. you were not on the right meds to say the least trial after trial and when you were out feeling normal. Your mind protected you from those emotions you would have felt if you did see them. Hans, Ma, Pop, Taehyung, Hobi and I all have been watching her grow steadily. she never told me much always knew I was there the other may know more than we both know but thats between her and them Yoon"

He is right, I can't fight him on it. My mind was a mess back then more than now and just look at me still fighting the battle. It makes me wonder how much others know that I don't, what have they done when I wasn't there fully mentally and physically. "What I can do is be there now right? Do you think she hates me?"

"She kissed you not only once, I think you're in the clear bud. I don't know where she is going and why but just know I'm gonna be here for the both of you along the way and once she leaves you will be going into the facility even if it's for a few days just so they can help you. You know it will be needed. I will call your doctor for you. I pinky swear I will not take you away from her until she is gone"

Fuck he knows what I need. I know what I need but I'm not ready for it. The Xan is hitting and I'm finally feeling my heart beat normal no longer constricting every vessel in my heart. My head feels light. fuzzy. clear. All at the same time.

Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple.

Is all I can think. biting my lip taking the deepest breath I have taken in the last probably hour. Fuck what time is it. I don't have time for this. I need to be with her. Pushing away from Jin on my knees trying to balance myself to look at the clock on the stove. "You good Yoons?"

Looking at the clock my head may be fuzzy but this is the one thing I can do at this moment. Whispering to myself "Thirty four hours and twenty-one minutes. Fuck." I have spent more than an hour since I last looked at my phone panicking about losing my shit. Yoongi get yourself together then you can lose a bit when she is gone. "Oh for fucks sake is that what brought you back?"

"Help me up Jin please." I'm not too shallow to ask for help cause' I know he'll do it for me without asking but sometimes it's nice to be needed even though I know that it's in our nature. He stands up and holds his hand out and mine in his helping me stabilize as I stand up. "How about you go hop in the shower and I'll come in once you're out and we can finish this talk while you're resetting your mind."

The shower, the warmth wrapping around me sounds amazing to help ground me learning tricks in therapy really has helped both Jin and I. I hope Vi can find her own ways of coping. "That sounds nice. I'll yell when I'm in. wait-"

"I already did, your laundry is folded and under the sink is your favorite dark purple towel." Fuck what would I do without him. "Thank you."

Walking to our shared bathroom Jin gets the towel rack and drawers and I get under the sink. We make it work at home. Who needs separate bathrooms? Well I guess the times we have had to walk in when the other was taking a shit and pee in the shower might make us want a second bathroom but the funny times outweigh the cons. I couldn't hold it okay? God I hope Hans never finds that out because I'll never hear the end of it. Shutting the door and turning on the water to warm it reminds me of that cold shower, the many sinful showers but that one time in particular. Nope Yoongi now is not the time when you get your mind in an okay-ish space you fit it with dirty thoughts.

Locking those thoughts in my utopia for another time, chain and bolted not once but three times. I'll be sure to revisit them, trust me.

Riding my clothes, folding them up and setting them on the counter I need to bring them back to Vi so she has some that smells of me. Making a mental note she needs to send the first ones she takes with her back once it's gone and I'll send her new ones in exchange. I better get a hoodie at least or even one of those big t-shirts she wears to sleep. Pulling the curtain back, stepping in the shower, closing the curtain luckily we made sure to buy a dark curtain. "In!"

as soon as I say it he is already opening the door "Want me to put these in your laundry basket?"

"No! I'm giving them to Vi." and I hear him whisper "And you too aren't together?" laughing a little under his breath.

The warm water hitting my chest feels like the sun rays shining on my skin after being inside for so long. leaning my head on the shower wall just letting the water hit my body. I feel lighter already. "So what's the plan do ya both have one?"

Deep breaths in and out stabilizing my breath. I know I have stuff to work on too while she is working on herself but I'm not ready to look far into myself and all the work I need. "uh she is packing as we speak, and keeping her apartment while she is away paying for both. I'm going back afterwards and helping her pack told her I needed meds, but I needed more than just that I needed you. Your help." finally admitting it to him.

"I'm always here, bud. We're a team and and pretty fucking good one at that"

I smile a little bit that he doesn't hate our friendship, how we work there is a mutual companionship between the both of us even though I have no idea what I do for him. Running my head under the water does need to be washed but it makes me feel like I'm riding all the bad thoughts from my mind. A full reset from what just happened. The meds are kicked in and I'm feeling calm.

The one thing about these drugs is that it makes me feel calm and kinda emotionless, but then there is the looming uncertainty of how I will feel once they are out of my system will I just turn back into who I was. Rather what I'm.

"Thank you for always being there for me Jin. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course, now finish telling me the plan and I’ll help you execute it to the best of my ability.”

He really is out of the world. I don't deserve him in my life. He doesn't need to put up with me but still does it. I’ll forever be in debt to him. “I don’t know if I’ll stay there tonight but god I hope so. Then tomorrow is the company party and uh I need to borrow the car if possible.”

“Done take it.” he didn’t even question it.

“After that she will uh actually I don’t know how she is getting to her new place that is seven hours away she didn’t tell me. I’ll have to find that out, send me a text you know my brain can’t think properly like this. Then she’ll be gone for around a year at the same company while getting mental health help because she wanted some change.”

The water feels amazing. I never wanna leave but I know I need to get to her soon. “Done I’ll send the text. Second, I think it’s good that both of you are accepting the reality that you can’t be together when you’re both still in the deepest of your battles.”

Turning the shower off, holding my hand out he passes me my towel of course the ones Vi bought me for Christmas. She really is a caretaker in many ways. Who buys someone towels for Christmas? Vi does. Once the towel is wrapped around my body pulling the curtain open Jin is still in here. He even brought me new clothes, comfort clothes loose, baggy, black clothes my favorite. The chains, still around my neck. I touch my hand on them the reason I’m doing any of this. This life. Hans and Vi.

“You’re gonna get through this and you’re gonna make it out of the other side stronger than ever whatever may come of this Yoongs. Now let me dry your hair.”

Bending my head down he runs a towel through my hair drying it off from dripping down my face. I don’t care that we’re too men hell girls shower together at any age who says guys can’t be this close fuck em I say.

Once he does this he pulls out his phone and looks at it “You got thirty four hours and seven minutes left make it the best hours you can.” and with that he steps out of the bathroom shutting the door so I can get dressed. As I put on my clothes one piece at a time I think what it’ll feel like over the next year or so without her daily in my life. I don’t know how long we’ll go without talking or video calling. Will we become distant and all this will be memory? Maybe it’s better to lock it away in my utopia forever.

Looking at myself in the mirror I see the shaggy wet blonde hair over my forehead. There are small dark bags under my eyes from not sleeping enough last night. Once she fell asleep I slept for a little bit but then woke up laying listening to her night babbles in her sleep thinking about the future. Would that be a nightly occurrence if we were together? Or would I actually be able to settle down and actually get a good sleep in more than three hour increments.

I can’t fill my head with all this right now. I need to be in the best headspace I can be in for driving and being with her. It’s time to soak it all in the time I have with her. The first few moments of this journey together will be precious to me. To us.

Opening the bathroom door Jin is waiting on the hall wall looking at his phone. “Time to go bud. You got this. I emailed your doctor so we can start a plan of action after the fact Kay?” I nod my head. I know this is happening. I guess it’s better than completely losing it than having no contact at all with Vi. Losing my rights to my phone and connections would be worse for me let alone her in a new city all alone figuring out her way.

I’ll be the best I can be while she is gone and for once be what she needs. Walking to my bedroom I grab some socks sitting on my bed putting them on. Jin is in my room taking out clothes for me to wear tonight if I stay the night with her, and putting the clothes that I wore earlier on top of them so I can give them to her.

He walks out of my room and grabs my backpack and starts to put everything in there for me as I just stare at the floor grounding myself to this reality. “Okay I’m trusting you. I’m putting these meds in your bag. If you need it you take one but no more unless you talk to me Kay?” I nod my head understanding knowing I can only take two of them in a day, the pill I hate so much. He packs my other meds and even a few snacks for Vi and I. Buckling up my bag and laying it on the bed for me ready to go.

“It’s time to go and take advantage of this time with her. I’m gonna call the restaurant and take the next three days off to be here for you and don’t give me the bullshit of ‘I’ll be okay’ because this time there is no push back. I'm gonna be here if you need me at all drop of call or text. Even if it's a ‘hey I need you to wipe my ass’ I’ma be there.”

I laugh at his phrase of words. Why did he have to word it that way? “I don’t think I’ll need you to wipe my ass ever but I get it thank you Jin.”

He pulls me up and pats my shoulders handing me the backpack “Now go you’ve been here long enough. Go before the little monster kills us both.” swinging the back pack on my shoulders. As we both exit my room turning off the lights I look over at the picture of Hans, Vi and me and just smile. It’ll all be okay, and if my utopia crumbles when they collide I’ll accept my fate. I’m playing with fire after all.

Thank you for reading. ₊˚⊹♡

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All rights belong to @/Yoon-Topias. Do not copy/ translate.

[pawzofchaos]

MORE TD EPISODE PREDICTIONS FOR 7 AND 8

SPOILERS //

-I WAS FUCKINGG RIGHT!! COOKING/BAKING CHALLENGE!! I really hope it's like a "choose a partner to bake with! And then it's the SUDDEN DEATH ROUND"

-Erm "special guest" for episode 7? It's most likely either scary girl or some Gordon Ramsey ripoff, BUT I'D LOVE FOR IT TO BE AN OG CAST MEMBER LIKR OWEN OR DJ OR ZEKE♥️ or Ripper's nonna idfk

-I waht ripper to surprisingly be like super mega good at cooking IK EVERYONES EXPECTING HIM TO BURN WATER BUT I RLLY WANT HIM TO WHIP UP SOME FANCY RESTAURANT ITALIAN DISH

-Axel will probably catch a squirrel or smth in the woods, cook it and call it dinner

-more Raj and Wayne moments. Now that Bowie's gone I wanna see Raj being more independent and Wayne supporting him

-more Priyaleb lead ups and moments... Caleb is srsly thinking abt her more and more and falling 4 her

-more cringey ripaxel moments they're kinda like cocaine, terrible but addictive

-speaking of that (🤓☝️), i don't want this to be true AT ALL but I'm thinking that the ripaxel double elimination might happen.... I WANT THEM TO DEVELOP MORE ANF MORE AND I WILL ACTUALLY START CRYING IF RIPPER LEAVES BUT IVE SEEN SO MANY PPL SAY IT AND IT MAKES THE MOST SENSE ☹️

-either that or some random ass combo like Wayne and MK

-or if it isn't even the double elim episode and some other single character gets out

-that bear in episode 6 is revealed to be scary girl in a bear costume 😱

-DAMIEN AND ZEE FRIENDSHIP MOMENTS AGAIN 🙏 they were funneeee I really hope they partner up again and Damien confidence arc continues ("I am going to win this challenge! NOBODY CAN STOP ME!" "Whooo sweet dude! You go! *slurps soda*")

-MKulia vs Raj and Wayne I rlly wanna see them shit talk each other

-I really want the fact that Ripper participated in cheating with his team is brought up again, seeing as Axel hates cheating

-more ripper and axel I'm sorry,, but I'm growing so used to them I think if they break up I will have a mental breakdown (⬅️ emotional issues)

-going back to the challenge I kind of hope it's different, in the way that maybe they have to catch their own food and then prepare it from scrap in the kitchen (Axel you were right bby)

-it's like Nailed It, Chef Chris and special guest are the judges and these ppl make disaster dishes out of wild animals

-Zee's gonna ruin shit for Priya and Caleb in ep 8... and then they might vote him out 💔

-Interns talk

-someone says slay or pookie or smth

[fallmonds]

STUPID FUCKING MOVIE STUPID STUPID LITTLE ROBOTS STUPID GRRR GRRRR

I could have had GAY LITTLE ROBOTS and instead they KILL OFF MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER and then DON'T BRING HIM BACK WITH THE "they can rest now" BULL SHIT

They could have used the contraption the scientist used to put the souls back into their bodies (or the ones they could retrieve) and they could be brought back and all would be well and I could have my little gay robots BUT NO THEY HAD TO BE STUPID STUPID IN THE HEAD SND DIDN'T DO THAT SO NOW 5 IS DEAD AND 9 DOESN'T GET HIS BOYFIE AND ALL HE GETS IS 7 THE ONLY WOMAN OFC

(I love 7 she's a girl boss though omg)

BUT COME. ON. GAY. ROBOTS.

like I literally knew 5 was gonna die the literal second he came on screen and I was mentally preparing myself for it but COME ON.

I hate when I'm right sometimes

So now I WASTED AN HOUR OF MY TIME WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE NEW HELLUVA BOSS EPISODE AND WATCHED THIS DISAPPOINTING ASS MOVIE GRRRRRRR GRRRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

sorry guys. The parasite in me is acting up again 😼 I'm just really angry they didn't bring him back so 9 could have his boyfie man

Such a good movie though omg

Bring back 5 right this instant

(I'm joking about my rant up there I'm just really disappointed they didn't revive them. The entire last few minutes I was screaming at them to use the soul thingy)

[blackcherryvelvet0909]

Hello all

First off, I want to apologize for the abrupt hiatus I took. I'll be the first to say I shouldn't have been constantly scheduling stories like that. In a way it was a ploy to try to get me energized and continue writing; as someone who's always planned things out, it seemed like the thing to do. Well, this time it didn't work out and I ended up driving myself into the biggest burnout hole I've ever been in. Combined with that was the stresses of the job I had. The work environment was INSANELY toxic, to the point I had to quit back in March. My boss made me choose between seeing my brother - who is a marine - off the day before he set out to sea or keeping my job. Of course, you can guess which I chose. With the state of the world, my brother could very well die out there; that day could have been the last I'll ever see him, if we're being realistic. That added onto the mistreatment I was facing concerning my disability and I was OUT. I've felt so much better these last couple months. Not everything is peachy keen, but I'm mentally and emotionally better now. My physical well-being has taken its toll due to the work they had me do (which they weren't supposed to, but what's done is done), but I'll cope. All I know is that I really want to get back into writing again. But this time I won't be planning things ahead or setting strict, near impossible deadlines for myself. For once I'm going to be nice and easy on myself and not be a perfectionist, lol. The fact that I've made the decision to pursue my dream career as a librarian (very nervous, haha!) will really force me to be gentle with myself and take my time writing. Again, I'm really sorry for leaving y'all hanging for so long. There will be more stories soon, the top of the agenda being the conclusion to my Beach Episode mini series. It'll have been a year since I started it next month (June), so I hope y'all are ready for more summertime shenanigans! In the meantime, I'll try and post some past pieces I've yet to post here. Given the current events of Chapter 7 in Twst, I hope you'll enjoy them! And one other thing: I'd like to introduce y'all to a certain project that's been in the works for almost two years now. It started off as a silly little presentation, but it slowly grew into one of the most complex set of stories I've ever written. This fandom has consumed me, lol! Fair warning that it will be darker than some of my other content: Chapter 7 levels of dark. Warnings will be posted onto the series' parts accordingly. For those who don't mind spoilers for Chapter 7, who already know the story thus far, and/or those who like a little AU action, I humbly present:

An alternate history AU featuring our beloved General Lilia Vanrouge and my most cultivated Twst OC, Persayis N. Siofra. A good few of you expressed interest in my characters in the past, so for those who don't mind dragging out the box of tissues, I welcome you to this story. It is a slow burn - a sorta one-sided enemies to lovers arc (the enemies part being the one-sided bit). I hope you'll join me for the ride. Who knows, if this becomes popular, I might just create a silly little crossover story featuring this au and the canon; a more light-hearted fan fair for those who will not be joining us. I do understand you all need context on Persayis and her pairing with Lilia before continuing, however. So, over the course of this week, maybe a bit this weekend, I'll be posting installments of her story via that presentation I mentioned earlier. You'll be the first to see it outside of some friends of mine, so I'm a tad nervous, but I hope you'll like it. In and out of Twst, Persayis is one of the best characters I've ever written. She's the favorite child right now, haha! Like the AU, Persy's story is Chapter 7 levels of dark, so be prepared for that if you're going to dive in. For those who love angst, you might want to stick around for this one. That is all I'll say for the time being. As I said, I'll be taking it easy on myself, so no strict deadlines. I'll be posting when I feel like doing so nowadays - the stories come when they come. I thank you all for your patience and understanding, and for sticking with me despite my absence. To think I have nearly 300 followers...I could never have dreamed! I hope I can continue to make y'all proud. Until the next post!