#I'm not going to commit suicide. I promised myself I never would and I'm too spiteful to do it now

[morningmask27]

I feel like November will be a difficult month for me again and I'm not looking for it

[redeemed-wren]

.

[thelostgirl21]

Alright, so this is a reply to @my-jokes-are-my-armour brilliant additions to my post, because the original one was getting insanely long, and apparently I had lots of feels about this, but asfoljasdfklsf;asldkfas;flkjasdlkjffslksjdf;s...

That "maybe"...

There are so many possible "layers" to that "maybe"!

And that's definitely one the places where Jaskier and Radovid's respective situations massively differ in that scene, too, IMHO.

Like you've said, Jaskier has a found family that he's spent about 20+ years investing in.

So, obviously, it would make absolutely no sense for him to sacrifice the ties he's already built with Geralt, Yennefer, and Ciri, for a relationship that does have great potential, but is still in its infancy; whereas Radovid has made no such personal commitments in his life.

I don't know if you're familiar with the YouTube channel "Cinema Therapy" (basically, a psychologist and filmmaker analysing various movie relationships, characters psychology, etc. I highly recommend it!), but they've occasionally spoken about the notion of "shelving your agenda".

Essentially, "shelving your agenda" relates to a person's ability to "temporarily delay one's own needs to meet those of another".

And, in this particular situation, the only one of them that can afford to shelve his own agenda for the other is Radovid.

Because, at that moment, Jaskier is facing the possibility of devastating potential losses within his family system that greatly threaten his emotional and psychological well-being.

Radovid can (or at least could, while Vizimir was the one still wearing that crown) afford to be the one providing him with emotional, physical and financial support to give Jaskier his best chance at being reunited with those he loves.

But Jaskier can't really promise or offer Radovid anything in return for the time being.

And sadly, he doesn't know how bad things are for Radovid at court, either.

He doesn't know that Philippa and Dijkstra orchestrated Queen Hedwig's murder, right under King Vizimir's nose, with such confidence in their ability to get away with it that they openly told the Crown Prince of Redania about it!

He doesn't know about Radovid's relationship dynamic with his brother, and the fact that being the King's little brother is no longer enough to keep Radovid safe in that castle.

And I don't think Jaskier fully grasps just how much being in his presence is already offering Radovid something that's rather essential for his own emotional and psychological well-being, too, that he has never been able to find anywhere else.

Jaskier: "You don't understand. [This is not me trying to walk away from a relationship with you.] The war brewing outside is nothing compared to what Geralt will unleash on this Continent to find his daughter. [I'm pretty much planning to go throw myself headfirst into some desperate suicide mission with a stubborn, insanely protective Witcher dad!] I don't know what happens next. [I've no idea what will happen to me. Out there, none of us will be safe!]"

Radovid: [Oh boy! Where do I even start?] "Just let me be there with you." [Trust me, as terrible as you are trying to make it sound, joining you on a suicide mission following an angry overprotective Witcher around is actually my safest, least bad option.] "Prove that I'm more than a mask." [I belong with you and your family out there, not stuck at court playing games!]

Basically, I've a feeling that Jaskier might be operating under the belief that the safest place for the Crown Prince of Redania to be, in times of war with Nilfgaard, is behind the well guarded walls of a castle; not running around the Continent helping him and Geralt go rescue a Princess!

If he returns to Tretogor and stay there, Radovid will have an entire army standing between him and Nilfgaard!

Which, you know, is pretty much the reason that had convinced him that Ciri might be better off in Redania rather than anywhere else...

If he comes with him, well, Radovid is probably one of the last people you'd want anyone loyal to Nilfgaard to get their hands on.

The King's brother - and sole current living heir to the throne (at the time) - is very much someone that Redania's enemies would want to capture so they can use as leverage against the King.

And Jaskier's pretty much planning on being Geralt's ride or die companion on his quest to find Ciri.

So, I'm not sure how comfortable Jaskier is with the possibility of Radovid getting himself captured by enemies or killed trying to help them out there; or, even worse, winding up sacrificing his life to save Jaskier's.

Because Radovid has already proven that he values Jaskier's safety and freedom above his own, when he ditched his whole (now very dead) royal security detail to go see him and Ciri at the cabin.

Radovid is willing to make Jaskier his #1 priority, in a situation where Jaskier needs to make Geralt, Yennefer and Ciri his own #1 priority.

Jaskier is planning to "shelve his agenda" for his family, to the point of being willing to risk sacrificing his life for them…

…while Radovid is talking about "shelving his agenda" for Jaskier, while being willing to risk sacrificing his life for him, and - by extension - Jaskier's family, too.

It's likely a lot for Jaskier to take in.

And, perhaps, knowing that Radovid - at least - would be safe back in his castle, would give Jaskier some peace of mind, and even something for him to fight to come back to, should he somehow succeed in helping Geralt get Ciri back without managing to get himself killed in the process!

So, Jaskier's "maybe" is likely the most sincere answer Jaskier can give him at the moment, since Jaskier genuinely doesn't know what happens next, and he probably doesn't want Radovid to make the decision to take such a huge risk for himself and his family based on the promise of things that he might never be given the chance to offer him.

Had Jaskier known that the greatest threat Radovid was facing could be found within his castle's well guarded walls, his response to Radovid's desire to be there with him might have been different.

Perhaps he might have said something along the lines of "Forget about the money, and if you really want to come with me, come with me now! We'll think of a way to let your brother know you're relatively safe, and haven't been killed or kidnapped while we're on the road!", or something.

And then, hope his own family would understand why he chose to take Radovid with him, and for them hopefully to not be upset that he's just managed to make their whole situation even more complicated than it already was.

[Poor Geralt though…

Geralt: Let me get this straight… Of all the people on the Continent you could have romantically fallen for, you somehow managed to pick the Crown Prince of Redania? And now, the prince - who comes from a bad home that has been mistreating him - has been following you outside his castle, and you're asking if we can adopt and keep him?

Jaskier: *Smiles sheepishly and attempts to look adorable.* Yes?

Geralt: *Mumbling to himself.* Why does Destiny fucking hate me so much? How many princes and princesses am I supposed to be looking after? I'm a Witcher, for fuck's sake! I'm supposed to be killing monsters! Not opening a royal rescue shelter…

Radovid: *Concerned.* Ah, is your Witcher okay?

Jaskier: Just give him a moment to have a mental breakdown, and he'll be fine!]

But Jaskier doesn't know how bad things are for Radovid back at Tretogor.

Actually, even Radovid himself doesn't fully know!

As far as Radovid is concerned, Dijkstra briefly perceived him as a threat - or at least a nuisance - with regards to the complete and absolute influence he has on King Vizimir, and threatened to have him killed if he gets in their way.

So, by leaving, he'd technically be doing him a favor! No more "baby prince brother" royalsitting for Dijkstra and Philippa! They can go back to the way they've always preferred doing things, without having Radovid to deal with!

But Radovid doesn't know his brother has decided to let Philippa take the fall for Thanedd, and that the best solution the sorceress came up with, to deal with the issue, is "Yup! Imma get rid of Vizimir and put that spare on the throne!"

On a scale of 0 to "the spymasters are so confident they can get away with regicide that they feel totally comfortable making the guy they gleefully confessed Queen Hedwig's murder to King", just how fucking screwed are you?

I don't think Radovid had fully realised he'd reached that very last stage yet.

But yeah, Jaskier answering "maybe" made much more sense, to me, than him going "yes please, come with me, where I'll almost certainly manage to get you and/or myself killed in a desperate attempt to keep my family safe!"

And I love how long he hesitates before giving that answer, and the way his thoughts really appear to be racing, even after he says "maybe", because it is an incredibly complex and multi-factorial situation for him to deal with.

Whereas Radovid has essentially two choices:

Return to a loveless, toxic, dangerous place where he's totally disconnected from himself, and isolated from healthy human interactions.

Be out there in the world, risking his life for something - someone - that's worth taking those risks for, thus acting in accordance with who he is, and what matters to him the most.

So, Radovid basically saying "I'm all in! Let's go!", while Jaskier is saying "maybe", to me, might have more to do with how well they are both ready to handle and accept the potential consequences of Radovid choosing to go with Jaskier at that moment; than it has to do with how much they both desire to have the chance to potentially be together, or even Jaskier struggling with forgiving him.

Of course, there's also Jaskier's own personal fears (of abandonment, of falling back into unhealthy codependent patterns, etc.) that may play a role in him hesitating to treat his feelings for Radovid as a full-fledged partnership right away, and being comfortable with the idea of trusting Radovid enough to rely on him for support, too (trust and forgiveness are not quite the same thing).

That "maybe" is filled with so much potential delicious meanings, I'm telling you!

And, given that being told "maybe" didn't deter Radovid from wanting to go to Jaskier, I've a feeling that Radovid knew that Jaskier's "maybe" was also filled with a lot of hope and yearning, and as close to a "yes" as Jaskier could afford to offer him.

After all, he'd already told Radovid that his plans [of breaking things off between them] had changed.

When Radovid said "I don't get it", Jaskier could have answered him with: "it's the right thing to do", or "I may no longer want to see you, that doesn't mean I wish you to get hurt, Radovid", or "I owe you for having ditched - and now lost - your guards when you came to see me. This is me doing what I can do to pay back the favor."

But Jaskier said "plans change", with some of the most cautiously hopeful and vulnerable puppy dog eyes I've ever seen him throw at anyone.

To me, there was a sense of forgiveness and a bit of an apology, even, in Jaskier's expression at that moment…

Because the fact remains that Jaskier didn't offer Radovid his help, the night before, when he told him he was scared; resulting in Jaskier having allowed Radovid to back himself into that corner where people might say and do stupid things.

It would be a bit unfair for Jaskier to be upset with Radovid for not having trusted him with everything he knew when he came to see him and Ciri, when Jaskier himself was so scared to trust Radovid that he didn't call him out for having avoided to directly answer his question, and instead chose to test what he'd do with the information that the forcefield only lasted 'til dawn.

He's accusing Radovid of not fully trusting him and having kept his full intentions from him, when Jaskier himself literally set up a trap for him, because he was too scared to trust him…

And Radovid had the honesty of saying "I'm scared, Jaskier", at the very least. Whereas Jaskier kept his own fears to himself, and chose to play games and test him.

Granted, Radovid could have pretended to be scared to get Jaskier to lower his defenses, and manipulate him. I'm not saying that Jaskier didn't have very valid reasons for choosing to test him, rather than opting for a direct confrontation.

Trust eventually does become essential in a relationship, but it would be unrealistic to expect it to "magically be there" until both sides have experienced how the other responds in a variety of situations - including their ability to make each other still feel safe while they handle conflicts and mistakes.

So, I'm not pointing out Jaskier's own contribution to this whole mess while trying to determine who is to blame, who was wrong, or who hurt the other the most.

Just hoping that, maybe, Jaskier is allowing himself to recognize that they are both very flawed, complex and human individuals that never meant to hurt each other at that moment.

That part of the reasons why he sits down and looks at Radovid with such a sad, defeated expression, is that he's realizing that they were simply dealing and coping with their own respective fears and doubts as best they could back at the cabin, and got both a good, strong bite in the arse as a result!

When Radovid ran away from the cabin earlier, Jaskier made a little move as if instinctively wanting to run after him.

I think that, maybe, in all of the ways Jaskier might have expected their confrontation to go when "catching Radovid in the act" that morning, he might have imagined facing more outrage from Radovid, more fight…

He might have expected for him to start blaming him in return, etc.

Because, had Radovid indeed been a "knife" and wearing a mask with Jaskier, he might have played "meek" and attempted to "reason with" Jaskier in the beginning in a desperate last ditch attempt to hold onto his mask, sure!

But, when he'd realised it didn't work - and Jaskier would not be so easily fooled - the mask would eventually have had to come off!

Radovid could easily have pretended that he had only wanted to test if Jaskier was being sincere with him.

He could have claimed that he'd realised, the night before, that Jaskier had only let him know about when the forcefield would come down, because he'd never truly cared about him, nor trusted him!

And low and behold! He was right!

Radovid could have accused Jaskier of having been dishonest and manipulative with him, of only having ever pretended to care for him, so he could use him because of his wealth and position at court.

He could have mocked Jaskier for having claimed that "he had no desire" to be playing games with him through his song, only to then go on scheming against him, and setting up traps for him at the first opportunity he got!

A skilled "knife", caught in a lie, will not admit to any wrongdoing, and will make it sound like you're the villain, they're the victim, and the problem lies with you, not them.

But Radovid's response was being truthful in his answers, internalize Jaskier's blame, look like he'd just been kicked, utter a pitiful "I'm so sorry," and run away!

Unless you are someone that enjoy dominating other people and bringing them down (something I do not believe Jaskier does), there's no sense of triumph, or even validation to be derived from Radovid's response!

There's no sense of relief from "having escaped being fooled by such a manipulative and dangerous individual" to be found!

Radovid just took all the blame on himself, brokenly apologized for having managed to hurt and disappoint Jaskier, and ran away thinking he'd forever lost him.

Had Jaskier's priority not been to ensure Ciri's safety, I think he might have followed his impulse and gone after Radovid to attempt to get to the bottom of what was actually happening.

And, even should he have suspected that Radovid's behavior was yet another manipulation attempt - that Radovid would be patient enough to hold onto his mask a while longer while faking taking responsibility for his mistakes and hurting Jaskier…

There's absolutely no way Radovid could have predicted that Jaskier was going to come investigate the room he'd huddled himself into a dark corner to cry.

So, I like to think that Jaskier did regret his harsh words, the way he'd jumped to conclusions back at the cabin, and how he'd cut short Radovid's attempt to explain, as soon as he'd mentioned that he'd be out from under Dijkstra's thumb.

I like to think that Jaskier was sorry for the way he'd hurt Radovid, too, and that he realised that he'd let his own fears and issues get the best of him.

Now, it's up to them to decide if they'll allow their respective fears and issues to win; or instead let that deep, beautiful and delicate connection that they've been experiencing together come out on top.

So, since "the plan" was for Radovid to have seen the last of Jaskier…

I tend to interpret Jaskier saying "plans change" as a way of telling Radovid "I don't want this to be the last you see of me. If you'll still have me, when this is over, I'd like to come back to you."

With Radovid's immediate response being "Come with me, then."

Because Radovid does very much still want Jaskier.

Except Jaskier has a family he needs to go help first, before he can be free to go back to Radovid and continue to explore and deepen that relationship.

And OMFG, yes! Found families are a theme that I absolutely adore in virtually any form of media (perhaps because I had to leave my own family of origin behind to go find "my own tribe")…

By the way, do you have that season 3 review link nearby? I'm not sure if I had the chance to read it yet, or if it somehow managed to pass me by… But I'd be interested to have a first or second read at it!

Otherwise, I pretty much found myself just nodding along while reading your comments.

I definitely think that, the first time Radovid meets Jaskier, he's deeply intrigued by him and how he personally connects with his songs, but still a bit in a "playing games" mindframe, because that's just the way his world is, and has always been, and how people communicate.

And now, I'm amazed, because you've just made me realise that, when Jaskier came to see Radovid wanting to share intel with him, it could very much have made it look like he only cared about Radovid's position, wealth, and resources; rather than about Radovid himself!

In many ways, Jaskier is 100% aware that the Crown Prince of Redania "fancies him", and I think that, under normal circumstances, he wouldn't be above taking advantage of that attraction to help protect his family.

To be clear, I don't think Jaskier would ever look to manipulate the emotions of anyone that would be having sincere, non-entitled, and reciprocal feelings for him.

But a royal that would be looking to own, use, or control him? I think he'd be feeling perfectly justified using his own charms to get what he wants from them.

He tells Vespula "you can't play a player", therefore very much perceiving himself as "a player", in a sense.

And, given that nobles often have an inflated ego and sense of self-importance, "playing them" is typically not that hard to do.

But Radovid does not.

He is far from immune to Jaskier's charms, but he does not perceive him as a some type of potential "trophy lover" or conquest. He's genuinely curious about him, and wishes to better get to know and understand him.

In such a context, trust should normally go both ways.

Jaskier tells Philippa and Radovid that, if they get rid of Rience, they will have earned Ciri's, Geralt's, and his own trust (and he talks about winning his own trust while pointedly looking at Radovid)…

But what is Jaskier willing to do to earn Radovid's trust in return?

You've just made me realise that, while I often tend to remind myself that there is lot that the audience knows about Radovid that Jaskier himself doesn't…

Well, there is also a lot that the audience knows about Jaskier that Radovid himself simply doesn't, too.

Sure, Jaskier's initial response towards learning that Radovid was the Crown Prince of Redania was rather flattering and amusing, especially since it brought a certain balance to the way Radovid himself was slightly starstruck by Jaskier.

Rockstar meets royalty, basically… and forgets to let his hand go, much to royalty's delight!

But, once that initial moment has passed, does Jaskier still only sees Radovid as a prince - with all the privileges tied to his position that he could use for his own gain - or a person that's worth knowing, too?

We all assume that Jaskier's motives are honorable, because we know him, but Radovid only knows about Jaskier's songs and what little he's been able to pick up from him during two rather short encounters.

In that context, Jaskier showing up all "So, I hear you've got money! Maybe you could use it to get the two detectives to talk, and help Geralt and I find out who Rience is working for?" could actually be… borderline insulting?

Technically, it wouldn't, if Radovid was into such things as power and influence, wanted to find Ciri for himself rather than to please his brother, and Jaskier's suggestion was helping him get closer to something he really wished to get closer to besides the man standing right before him.

Again, Jaskier doesn't know that; so, there's a bit of an ongoing comedy of errors happening between these two this season.

And he doesn't know that Radovid doesn't actually have that much money "ready to be handed out" like that, either.

That Radovid would have to first sell some of his own belongings to pay for that intel.

Jaskier's basically prancing right into the palace while making a bunch of (albeit flirtatious) assumptions about Radovid - most of them kinda wrong / only half right - and it's really no wonder Radovid himself would be unwilling to "collaborate" with him so easily, admit to what he knows, and instead choose to initially continue to play dumb/drunk!

To be fair, most nobles would likely love to be reminded of their wealth, status and power, and go "Oh yeah, I've got money and I'm so important, uwu!"

They would likely welcome any opportunity to put it on display and use it to further seduce Jaskier! Normally, a prince should have favorably responded to Jaskier's innuendos...

Whereas Radovid's pretty much "Yes, yes, very interesting… Now, enough about me, let's talk about you! Here's your lute, may I humbly ask you to sing about what you prefer singing the most? Please?Maybe your white-haired Witcher? I really want to get to know you…"

And look, the fact that Jaskier got his crush to agree to help him because he was moved by his singing, cares about him, and has made it his personal mission in life to learn to better understand what makes him so special, must be so much more satisfying to Jaskier’s than it being because Radovid likes to display his wealth and feel influential and important!

I mean, look at that face...

He's just so pleased with the unexpected way things turned out...

[keyh0use]

why I've been absent & tw for m*rder, su*cide

I know I don't really owe anyone an explanation but I want to give one for my own piece of mind because I feel so guilty. Back in February I was injured really badly and hospitalised, and a couple days later my cousin, Christopher, was brutally murdered in prison. As a CO myself I've seen it happen more times than I can stomach to think about so it wasn't a huge shock, but we had gotten close over the last couples years, trying to provide him the support the rest of our family has denied him since his sentencing. Amongst so many other things we surprisingly had in common, he wrote too (not the same content as me, obviously, lol) and he was willing to provide me with a perspective I could only speculate on in Delicate, going over the relationships and how he would feel reconnecting with the person who got him incarcerated, like Rafe does with Barry in the story. And he succumbed to his injuries all by himself, no funeral, no obituary and I clung to that fic, terrified if anyone read it and criticised it I would literally never write again. As a distraction I put all my efforts into a story where Rafe tries to follow in his mothers footsteps by committing suicide, I just felt the heartache for it. My first funeral was for my aunt and uncle, Chris' parents, also murdered and the comparisons kept coming until I finished it. Then the same thing happened, it felt too real and vulnerable to share. So I tried writing something lighter, couldn't. Vampires? Blood, killing. Reminded me too much of what it felt like to be really hurt. And like what happened to someone I cared deeply for. As the months went by I pushed myself way too hard to get better physically and emotionally, pressured myself to sit through movies that made me uncomfortable to try and associate violence with actors instead of myself and ended up just getting way, way worse when I faced my attacker in court. Things slowed down after that, I tried to give myself a break that didn't make me feel guilty, ignored all the messages and comments asking for updates, just stayed off this side of social media all together so I wouldn't be reminded I'm not giving people the content they follow me for. My grandfathers cancer progressed, I spent a lot of time with him thankfully, and he committed medically assisted suicide the day of my best friends wedding rehearsal. The next night? Love of my life confesses his feelings for me but it's too late, we never said anything over the last 11 or so years and a couple weeks ago he married someone else. We buried my grampy, miscommunication tropes are super fun to write about but absolutely suck in real life, and I'm still not really feeling up to posting anything. All this to say I'm really sorry if I'm disappointing anyone. All I can do is promise I'm trying to figure everything out and that I haven't abandoned any works.

[tma-entity-song-poll]

Battle of the Fear Bands!

B5R4: The Lonely

Alone Again (Naturally):

“A man becomes so lonely his only wish is to commit suicide”

The Bed Song:

“The song tells the story of a couple in snapshots over the course of their lives. They're close and affectionate in their youth, but a gulf between them forms and gets wider with every verse. The song ends with the two of them laying in their graves, having not touched each other in decades.”

Lyrics below the line!

Alone Again (Naturally):

In a little while from now If I'm not feeling any less sour I promise myself to treat myself And visit a nearby tower And climbing to the top Will throw myself off In an effort to Make it clear to whoever Wants to know what it's like when you're shattered

Left standing in the lurch at a church Were people saying, My God, that's tough She stood him up No point in us remaining We may as well go home As I did on my own Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday I was cheerful, bright and gay Looking forward to who wouldn't do The role I was about to play But as if to knock me down Reality came around And without so much as a mere touch Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt Talk about, God in His mercy Oh, if he really does exist Why did he desert me In my hour of need I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that There are more hearts broken in the world That can't be mended Left unattended What do we do What do we do

Alone again, naturally

Looking back over the years And whatever else that appears I remember I cried when my father died Never wishing to hide the tears And at sixty-five years old My mother, God rest her soul Couldn't understand why the only man She had ever loved had been taken Leaving her to start With a heart so badly broken Despite encouragement from me No words were ever spoken And when she passed away I cried and cried all day Alone again, naturally Alone again, naturally

The Bed Song:

Exhibit A We are friends in a sleeping bag splitting the heat We have one filthy pillow to share and your lips are in my hair Someone upstairs has a rat that we laughed at And people are drinking And singing bad Scarborough Fair on a ukulele tear

Exhibit B Well, we found an apartment It’s not much to look at A futon on a floor Torn-off desktop for a door All the decor's made of milk crates and duct tape And if we have sex They can hear us through the floor But we don’t do that anymore

And I lay there wondering, what is the matter? Is this a matter of worse or of better? You took the blanket, so I took the bedsheet But I would have held you if you'd only

Let me

Exhibit C Look how quaint And how quiet and private Our paychecks have bought us a condo in town It's the nicest flat around You picked a mattress and had it delivered And I walked upstairs And the sight of it made my heart pound And I wrapped my arms around me

And I stood there wondering, what is the matter? Is this a matter of worse or of better? You walked right past me and straightened the covers But I would still love you if you wanted a lover And you said All the money in the world Won't buy a bed so big and wide To guarantee that you won't accidentally touch me In the night

Exhibit D Now we're both mostly paralyzed Don't know how long we've been lying here in fear Too afraid to even feel I find my glasses and you turn the light out Roll off on your side Like you've rolled away for years Holding back those king-size tears

And I still don't ask you, what is the matter? Is this a matter of worse or of better? You take the heart failure I'll take the cancer I've long stopped wondering why you don't answer

Exhibit E You can certainly see how fulfilling a life From the cost and size of stone of our final resting home We got some nice ones right under a cherry tree You and me lying the only way we know Side by side and still and cold

And I finally ask you, what was the matter? Was it a matter of worse or of better? You stretch your arms out and finally face me You say I would have told you

If you'd only asked me If you'd only asked me If you'd only asked me

[starlene]

Assorted Moulin Rouge! Stockholm thoughts:

I think it was Thalia's guidance that led me to the front of the balcony in this performance. You see, I've never been a fan of Moulin Rouge! the movie (mostly because of the way it's edited – the music video kinda style is too fast for me; it already feels like that inside my brain all the time, I don't need any more of that in a cinematic format), and though I've listened to the Broadway cast recording a lot, I wouldn't call myself a fan of the musical either. And yet, when they announced the Stockholm production, I knew I had to go to see it.

So, thank you, Thalia, for your guidance and blessing. The show absolutely slapped all the way through.

However... as I said, I'm not a MR! fan, so this point has probably been made a million times and I just haven't seen it, but: the love story in this is... kinda awful, right? Like, I know it's the whole point that Christian is young and naïve and goes mad with love, but oh man, when he goes full young werther near the end and the dying woman has to talk/sing him out of committing suicide in front of a whole audience of people... dunno, I just think he could've handled Satine's rejection a whole lot better, right?

Also, to me, the story would actually be more touching if Satine wasn't dying quite so actively. I know it's an adaptation of La traviata, I know their use of the dying courtesan character archetype is very deliberate – but even so, to me, it would feel more tragic if Satine had to leave with the Duke in the end, living a rich but empty life as his mistress, with only the memory of her and Christian's song left of her true love. There must be fanfics like this, I gotta go read them.

Anyway, I'm not watching and loving this for the story, I'm watching and loving it for the vibes. And the vibes were 100% right in Stockholm. It's not a serious show or something to be taken seriously at all, it's just kitch and glitz and glamour and fun, but with just enough of a dark edge to keep it interesting to me.

Speaking of Satine, though: as @veilingofthesun wrote, Marsha Songcome was made for the role. I don't really have any insights about the character or the performance (it's hard to analyse perfection), I just want to point out that she was just right for the role.

I promised you Harold Zidler posting, so here goes: I'm in love with Morgan Alling in the role. Like. It's not very girlboss feminist of me, but can't help it, middle-aged musical men are my kryptonite. I knew this was going to happen, and here we are. Alling has such a kind energy somehow, and it suits the role surprisingly well! We're creatures of the underworld, we cannot afford to love my ass – he so clearly loves Satine, not romantically of course, but loves her nevertheless. There was something so real/human about the character to me. I gotta see this again just so I can analyse him further.

Also loved Alexander Larsson as Toulouse-Lautrec. What a voice! And Fred Johanson as the Duke of course – he does a great villain and his voice is to die for, just shame about the awful wig.

Currently, MR! the musical is running in Sweden, Norway, and Denmark. They're not Broadway replicas, but they're all replica productions of each other, directed by Anders Albien (+ co-directors from Norway and Denmark, I think). Seeing how they've all premiered a couple of weeks within each other, I'd love to hear about the logistics of the thing – how did the creative team manage three simultaneous productions? (Also, why is Finland not a part of this so-called "Nordic production"? Or might we be getting our share later on? I've no doubt whatsoever that MR! is coming to Finland soon, but I'm curious to see if it'll be this production or something else.)

They sung in English but spoke in Swedish. I understand this musical must be an absolute nightmare to translate, and here, since both of those are foreign languages to me, it didn't bother me too much. But if they do the same thing in the eventual Finnish production of MR!, I think I'll have a bigger problem with it, since having to switch between my native language and a foreign language feels more awkward.

tl;dr: Moulin Rouge! Stockholm slaps and I have to see it again, who's coming with me?

[sonic-an-shadow]

hey Shadow, I don't mean to like upset you or anything but I'm kinda curious. how do you grasp with the concept of your immortality and the fact that almost everyone that you care about in this lifetime is going to leave someday? (that is if you don't end up getting killed or anything) (I'm sorry I just wanna know pls don't get mad)

TW: SPEAKS OF DEATH AND MENTIONED SUICIDE

I'm not angry. 🙁🙁

It's a good question actually, and it's on a topic that me and Sonic has talked over quite a bit when we first started dating.

I just go with it, I see it as a gift and as a curse.

One one hand, it's a gift, I'll be able to teach the next generation some of everything that the history books just doesn't seem to deem important enough. I can watch over them and guide them into success. I can teach the Sonic's friend's grandkids, I can watch I over them and keep them safe.

While on the other hand, it's a curse, I'll out live everyone. I'll watch them all die one by one. I'll watch them all get old and frail, I'll watch as their children grow up into adults, and I'll be thinking of their parents when they were their ages. I'll think of Sonic, everyday.

However, I've also learnt some things since I've been awoken these past few years. Is that everything dies, no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you study, no matter how hard you train, everything still dies. Like Maria.

I sometimes asks myself, if Maria was still alive, how long would she live before she still ended up dying? Because in the end, I still wouldn't of have been able to save her from her illness.

TW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE - She probably would've hated it on Earth, all the destruction, the chaos, the anger, the sadness, the selfishness, the constant disagreements... I wonder how long she would've lasted on Earth before she either died to her illness or ended up committing suicide.

Because in the end, she probably still would've ended up dying sad.

Now I just sit, and wait, and see how everyone else is going to die. How will they leave this world. I just hope and pray it's with happiness, content, peace and not anger, hate, sadness.

I promised myself, that when Sonic dies, he'll die smiling and he'll probably even die laughing but never sad, never frowning... Did Maria die with a smile too?

[the-softest-bruise]

a 21 year old kid in my hometown committed suicide (pretty publicly) last night and as someone who was very seriously suicidal at 21 too (but obviously lived to tell the tale), this goes out to all the suicidal kids in their early twenties:

I'm gonna be 31 in a couple of weeks and a couple of weeks ago would have been the ninth anniversary of my suicide attempt. I'm not gonna tell you things are going to be alright or even that things will get better because I don't know that for sure in your individual situation and I know that these phrases feel like empty promises.

However, and that's a fact: you'll grow. You'll be a different person a couple of months from now. You'll find things you'll like about yourself and you'll find you'll feel indifferent about things that you now may hate about yourself. You'll surprise yourself, you'll get to know new things about yourself. Life is change (and that's a good thing, even if it's simultaneously scary as fuck. Nothing lasts forever means that also the bad stuff doesn't last forever, even if it might look like it right now). You'll figure things out you'd never thought you'd be able to figure out. Other things will fall into place in ways that feel surreal. Some things won't work out (but sometimes that's for the better, and if not, it's still a part of life). Fuck what other people think (yes, including that person), their opinions don't control your life. Especially fuck what other people MIGHT think (that's none of your business and frankly, not your job to think for others as well. Focus on your own thoughts). Your brain isn't even fully developed yet, you're still learning to control your emotions and to cope with overwhelming things (kinda like a toddler basically!). This part does get easier with age, you'll see.

"It gets better" basically just means you'll learn how to navigate life better. You're in the process of creating your very own manual on how to survive. And you're doing a good job, even if you feel like a failure (cut yourself some slack - this is, after all, your first rodeo!), even if you think others handle it better than you (again, focus on yourself instead of others). So yeah, life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it gets really really hard, but what I've taken away from these moments is that I have my own back. The first time I had the realization that I can rely on myself, that I got my own back through it all, it felt like a warm hug from a friend. That's what they mean when they say you're strong. Because you are, even if you don't feel like it, or even if you don't want to be strong anymore (because it can get exhausting, I get it, but the fact that we can't help it because it's our defaulf setting is also kind of empowering, isn't it?).

Why do you care, you might ask, and I know this because I asked that same question when I read suicide prevention posts whenever I was in a dark place. It's true, I don't know you, and our lives likely won't cross paths, and it won't affect me whether you live or die. Chances are you feel like nobody would care but the truth is - somebody will be affected by it, probably even people you don't even know. I took half an hour out of my day to write this because a stranger whom I've never even met killed themselves and it shook me and reminded me that there are others out there who are just like them. Suicide is a fucking tragedy because it goes against every living being's survival instinct. We are a social species. We want to see each other thrive and survive. So in that sense, yes, somebody out there cares.

Also, it might not look like it, but there is still the good in this world. The little things, the details. Not to go "you have so much to live for" but the truth is, those are the things worth sticking around for. "This song/this pastry/this friendly dog in the street/this warm shower/etc. may be nice but it's not worth sticking around for because [big bad thing] outweighs it by a million times" you might argue. But [big bad thing] will start to look smaller with every good little thing. They have a tendency to grow around the big bad things until they suddenly start to look small in comparison. So keep looking out for them, they will start to accumulate.

The world has actually quite a few lovely places and life turns out to have its upsides. You can trust me on that.

[nathank77]

6/16/24

5:58 p.m Edited/Added to

So yea I didn't sleep. I didn't go to my dad's house. He was cold about it I know he is upset but like I can't have 3 kids on top of me. I can't be social right now. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to take 10mg of xanax so I don't microsleep... all I can think about is what if I don't fall asleep tonight? What if I have to take lunesta? What if I start microsleeping again? I mean one all nighter after closing your eyes for 3 plus hours and taking copious amounts of sedatives, and then thinking about before when you microslept it's fucking panic inducing.

All I can think is I can kill myself and escape. I will never vibrate and fake sleep again for hours making micromovements. I will never let that happen to me again. When I talked to Erin about it. She was like do you feel guilty? And I realized yea I do. I was so delusional I believed the voice was Kristen and Elise was trying to save me. Kristen was feeding me lies that I believed saying that I'd get put into a medically induced coma and potentially wake up in 6 days, or years or never and I fucking believed it. Elise was like microsleep is an option it counts as sleep. Who the fuck knows how my brain even knew microsleep was a thing. I feel fucking guilty as fuck that I believed so hard in my delusion that I didn't seek medical attention and I let a month go by and I can't go back and fix it. I can't go back and get xanax. I can't go back and undo the damage that was done. I can't go back and save myself from the trauma.

I feel like a fool. I feel so fucking guilty that I got that bad and I didn't realize how my fucking brain was talking. I studied fucking neuroscience. I studied schizophrenia. It was my topic of interest. I studied psychosis and somehow I was too delusional to realize before psychosis hit me that I was hallucinating every night for a couple hours due to weed (which was my main topic of study. Cannabis induced schizophrenia......) and of course Kristen never saved me despite me reporting my symptoms when it was not chronic... and then October 10th happened. And I actually believed that voice and I microslept through fucking October to November 3rd and idk what damage it did to my brain but I can only imagine.

You have no concept what it's like laying there for 96 hours with your eyes closed and not being able to sleep while you hear a voice say terrifying things you believe and you have awful mental images that make it hard to keep your eyes closed. No one fucking knows but yea I felt guilty. Guilty that I wasn't smart enough. Guilty that I didn't fucking do something about it before it turned into Microsleep. I had 4 days before it happened. It takes 4 days. And once you start it's almost impossible to start sleeping normally again... I had 4 days where I did nothing and then it started and I remember November 3rd vividly shaking myself out of vibrating... I had to shake myself so fucking much and finally it stopped and I started sleeping and then had terrible insomnia until I got on Xanax in December.

Idk how to cope with it. I only cried about it once. It fucked me up. And one night like last night and it's like I promise you guys. If I don't sleep tonight I'm committing suicide. I will never fucking microsleep again NEVER I WOULD RATHER BE FUCKING DEAD.

Nothing is worth that. Nothing can make it okay. I'm fucking panicking about it. I don't want to kill myself but I will never put myself through that again. Suicide is sweet relief. I will never fucking vibrate.

During the worst of psychosis I was awake for 624 hours. Every 4th to 5th day I slept. After my body gave out while I microslept and I would sleep for like 10 hours and then be back to microsleeping for fucking 4-5 more days.

During those 624 hours I heard a voice and felt terrible tactile hallucinations. One was so bad my brain felt hot for like 10 minutes or more. And I mean really fucking hot I thought I was dying. No one knows what it's like what I went through, I laid there for 624 while I hallucinated that voice and felt very painful and scary tactile hallucinations... and while I saw some minor visuals from lack of sleep.

The damage is irreparable... fucking irreparable. There is no fixing it. No fixing my trauma, no fixing whatever happened to my vulnerable brain during that month and I feel fucking stupid and guilty.

And yea I can try to fix my circadian rhythm if my stupid useless brains remembers what sleep is tonight. Going to my fathers shouldn't fucking make me be unable to sleep. I have decided I will take more xanax the night before I go there cause appearantly i get so anxious I can't fucking handle it.

I did the car wash obv. And I went to stop and shop and got a chicken and had a chicken sandwich. I got some stuff at Walmart. I still got to make my purchase. I grabbed all my nice clothes from the attic and i started doing laundry for the lid-less bin... until I get my storage bins.. imma do the blankets too... I can't make the same mistakes of microsleep October.

I fucking microslept at the fucking psych ward!! Hearing banging and chattering on the walls. I was fucking traumatized once I realized I was being held in a psych ward. Then I heard it at my house the chattering and banging every night I went to sleep/microslept.

The fucked part is other than one night since starting xanax I've slept until today. This marks two days... and the worst part is the last time I was so fucking sad about something I couldn't sleep... this time it was anxiety I guess...

When I say I will not make the same mistakes as Microsleep October what I did wrong beside not go to the fucking doctors is I laid in bed all day long other than when I had my t shot or had to get food. I just laid in bed all day and night with my eyes closed.... the right thing to do is give up eventually and then proceed like a normal day and then try later that night. The right thing to do if it's still a decent time to sleep is get up shower and like smoke a cigarette. Read. Etc. For 30 minutes and then try again. I tried that before I gave up laid there for another useless hour.

My suicide is coming if I don't fucking sleep. I promise but hopefully I'll be so fucking knocked out tonight I will.

I'm thinking about going to a 1mg every night and trying to fix my circadian rhythm via using Melatonin not tonight but every other night for like 6 days or so. Taking it at 11 p.m or 12 a.m and wanting to be fucking sleeping by the latest 3:30.

We will see what happens.. Yea I had two fucking red Bulls so I didn't pass out at the fucking wheel.

I'm going to make a YouTube video about microsleep sometime soon. It killed me. And I'm so fucking scared I won't sleep tonight and my dad's mad at me and my mom was like go see him crying about her dad and how she wished she could see her dad. And I was like bitch I didn't fucking sleep. I feel fucking awful I'm not going. Thanks the fuck a lot. Her fucking alcoholism kills me she doesn't even know what microsleep is! It could legit cause me to die young very young.

My memory is a potato at this point. I write lists and shit all the time so I fucking remember what I need to do.

I tell myself all the time I won't live a long life at all but hopefully the little life I have left improves but yet it remains the same.

I'm so fucking panicked. Thanks useless brain for not being smart enough to fucking sleep. Not being able to stop hallucinating (which might I add is 50000 times worse bc I didn't sleep) and being an ocd bot.

If I don't sleep I'm fucking ending it.

I slept 4 days from October 10th to November 3rd. 4 days. This is how many hours I laid there looking at my eyelids as I had horrible hallucinations loud awful scary ones way worse than now. And one all nighter where I tried like hell to sleep bring me right back to October 10th 2023. Right back to worrying about if I'll lose rapid eye movement. Imma fucking ending it if I don't sleep tonight

[mostlymalena]

June 14th 2024 6:12pm

Hello friends and fans and family and foe.

This will be an update about Ava so big ole post. I'll try my best to tell this in an entertaining way. I'll write it like I expereinced it.

I met Ava back in 2021 because her roommate and best friend at the time, Becca, had just begun dating Josh. Yes, Josh as in best friends and roommates AND bandmate of Hugh who was my boyfriend at the time. When I find out Hugh cheated on me I get told that him and Ava are snapchatting a lot and Ava tells me that Hugh wants her and wants to hookup but she rejected him bc she is on my side. Anyways when I was going through the court stuff with Hugh because I posted about what he put me through and he said "hey not fair!", she took their side (this comes back around later I promise) and posted about me on her social media calling me a liar and saying I was never abused blah blah. Good for her for being loyal.

Fast forward to 2023, she see's me at blue post bc of course you would and comes up to me and profusely apologizes for taking their side and that she believed me this whole time and I tell her its chill no big deal and she then post me on her story which ruffles some feathers but I don't really care bc when do I ever.

Anyways, she is dating this girl Paige at the time (still 2023) and Paige's father get's really really sick. When he is close to passing away Ava's father very suddenly dies and it's very very shocking for her and her family. So of course Ava is destroyed and a lot of her friends rally to support her. Now I'm not sure when but close to when her dad died Paige cheats on Ava so we all once again rally for Ava and it's fuck Paige. Paige's father dies during this as well. Lot's of emotions.

During this time me and Ava are getting closer - I bond with her over losing a parent as I have lost my mother. Also to note I never fully attach to Ava bc she is well, she was just always in some kind of tizzy with someone and it seems to never be her fault. I mean something was ALWAYS happening to her.

Near thanksgiving time she tells me and everyone that her mother has committed suicide. Now this is when her and I really bond because I lost Emma 6 months prior to just that and I also lost my mother. So! Her and I grow closer and start hanging out outside of just seeing each other at the bars. No one had any reason to not believe her bc who tf would lie about that!! She also reached out for support several times over her father passing. During thanksgiving she even went home and posted pics of her mom's house and captioned it with stuff like "it looks the exact same since she left". She also got support about the struggle of having to clean her parents house out and how she is avoiding it bc its too hard.

Fast forward to when Grace and I start talking again. Grace and Ava had already been friends before G and I reconnected and Ava had made it clear in more than one way that she was interested in more than friends with Grace. Obvi this was brought up when G and I reconnected but Ava had made SURE to make it clear with me that she knows me and G are together and she would never pursue. Grace also sent Ava a very brute and CLEAR text which I READ MYSELF that she ONLY sees ava as a friend and there will never be anything more than friendship between them. Ava was asking Grace to hang out so much that Grace got a weird feeling and didnt wanna lead ava one or make things unclear. Ava also says that Paige is always hitting her up and showing up to her house and it's just played off as ex girlfriend drama. Wait I have a screenshot I know it

Around this time Ava is also served with a FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER from Paige. And makes a complete joke about it. Won't show anyone the papers. Now IVE BEEN THROUGH THIS!!! So I fucking tell her what to do, like go to court and provide evidence that you are not stalking her. She does not go to court. So if you don't show up to defend yourself.. the restraining order is automatically granted. Ava "not knowing this" texts Paige on the year anniversary of her father's death and Paige calls the cops on Ava for breaking the restraining order. Ava is ARRESTED and goes to JAIL. She calls Reese (her best friend) to bail her out and Reese gets a bondsman and pays for Ava to get out. We feel bad bc Ava is like "I don't have parents to bail me out"," I don't have parents to teach me how to be an adult". so like duh she is right.

Now court is set for a couple weeks later because Ava has to see if she is going to go to actual jail for a couple months for breaking the restringing order. She hires a lawyer and me, Reese, grace, and a couple other friends go to the court room with her to support her. This happens the DAY AFTER I GET HOME FROM A TEN DAY TRIP IN ITALY. Reminder Grace and I broke up for a solid 5 days before a couple days into my Italy trip. Well Ava helped her fucking self to try and get with Grace while I was in Italy (grace rejected her) but was texting me she missed me while I was gone and was hoping I had a good trip yada yada. So already my hackles were fucking raised. I mean all the while I had a sense that Ava wanted to fuck Grace which I have expressed to Grace before lmao.

Back to all of us sitting in court:

Paige signs a paper from Ava's lawyer dismissing the call and whatever so Ava does not have to go to jail. We all celebrate and Grace post something about Ava on her story. Some girl who is Paige's friend slides up and says "If you knew the whole story you would not be supporting Ava. Ask her about her dead mom".

Now Grace and I don't know what to do with that info but we kinda decide to keep Ava at arm's length for now. She also was just always chaotic and being crazy and what not. She gets fired for picking fights with some girl at her work two days after the court win and I tell her maybe me her and Reese should sit down and make a plan for her life to get her back on track. All she does is smoke weed and get fucked up on the weekends. May 26th 2024 I realize I have not heard from her since the night before. I check her local and it's off and call and text her. No answer. I start freaking out. THEN. I get this TEXT. From a number I dont know and it's green.

So I freak the fuck out. I call Reese and we decide to go to her apartment. The door is unlocked and she isnt home but her cat is. We call the local hospitals admission offices and check if she has been admitted. Nothing.

Ava finally calls Reese and tells us she had bad thoughts and checked herself into the hospital the night before. We are all relieved but also upset she didnt text anyone at all. We tell her about the random number and she loses it and gets so upset. Telling me she is so sorry. Here are some text from that convo:

This random number starts texting Gracie and Ava's other friends terrible things like I wish she had died and shit like that. So we are all reeling from that and worried and shit. Ava and Jo graduate college so we go downtown and celebrate. Ava wears her cap and gown and seems happy.

Fast forward to June 2nd 2024. I get a call from Reese 1 hour before I'm set to pick up Ava for a Pride event at Hi-Wire.

Reese tells me a couple days prior they went to Brunch (her and Ava) to a spot where Ava wanted to go bc she knew a waitress there. Well they eat and another waitress recognizes Ava bc they know or are friends with Paige and tells Ava's waitress that Ava lied about her mom killing herself. From what I remember this waitress straight up asked Ava why people are saying she lied about it and Ava blames it on Paige trying to cause drama and shit.

Well Reese being the smartest bitch on the planet looks into it. Cannot find an obituary for Ava's mom OR dad. What does she find: HER MOTHERS INSTAGRAM. Which has a RECENT POST. AS IN 3 DAYS RECENT. Her mother is very much alive and well and paints and sells antiques. Reese and I lose it. Ethan is with me when I get all this info and me and Ethan look into it bc Reese and now I don't believe her father is dead either. Time is up, so I pick up Ava and pretend all is well and we go to Pride. Ava tells me Reese is mad at her and she thinks it's bc of some drama at her old job blah blah. I keep quiet bc I know lmao.

That night I tell the jester's chat (all my friends) and Adam being a sleuth. FINDS AVA'S DAD. Ava's dad who is also alive and well is using his retirement to be the CEO of a non-profit that builds homes for unhoused people and gets them back on their feet. So I tell Reese all this and Reese and I decide that I'm going to call and confront Ava about it all. So I do. Ava does not answer and her local is off and she wont answer texts for a long time. I get nervous she offed herself again so I do a wellness check on her. She texts me after the cops leave her house and I told her we need to talk ASAP. She calls me. And I record the convo. You can listen below just wait about 20 seconds after you click play and you will hear me say hello.

Anyways. She admits her mother is alive but insist her father is dead. bc of this I decide to post publicly and here is why:

I know Ava very well and she manipulates situations and so I wanted to get ahead of this before she tried to tell people I was a liar and crazy

Ava lied to SO MANY PEOPLE SO MANY. I feel like lies to this degree that led to people giving her money, opening up about their trauma, giving her breaks, need to be exposed.

I have no idea how she would react to this so really I just wanted to make sure Reese and I's story was accurately portrayed which is why this blog post is needed for my sanity.

I posted it on my story and got a slew of DM's of course. I answered everyone's questions and sent my evidence to those who asked.

Reese and I don't want Ava to kill herself bc she goes ghost so I call Ava's mother whose phone number is attached to her insta and record that convo as well. I just tell her mother what has happened and that Ava will need a lot of support right now. She tells me her father is alive and they are still happily married. Ava's mother told me that Claire and Paige called her the day before and that it was not a good convo but thats all the details I got from that bc it was not my place to ask.

After posting I got a call from a girl, who legit 3 years ago copied my heart sleeve as a half sleeve and I told her that wasnt chill and that was legit it. I have not thought of her since then and never spoke about her lmao. Well she has been wanting to reach out to me and apologize for how she handled the situation and ava told her not to reach out to me.

I called her back and she told me more details and also told me about how she told her that she is just my friend bc of my "social status" in wilmy whatever the fuck that means and that she never believed me about the Freedrink/Hugh stuff. AND GET THIS LMAO. Also told me that Ava is OBSESSED WITH MY GIRLFRIEND and was constantly telling her that Grace always asks to hangout and that grace is obsseseedd with her and that Ava is just waiting for us to break up so Ava gets her chance and would constantly talk about me and Paige whenever they hung out. Me and this girl are super chill now.

I called and told Reese this and Reese confirmed that Ava also told her she never believed my Freedrinks stuff and that Ava was constantly talking about Grace and wanting her. Claiming all these people including my fucking girlfriend are obsessed with her (her as in Ava)

I got a bout 104723502358 dms about all the same stuff. Paige figured out Ava was lying and thats why she got a restraining order and so I do want to publicly apologize for being on the wrong side of the court room. That was fucked up and I was wrong. 

Ava's mother also told me that AVA DID NOT GRADUATE COLLEGE LMAO. That she has to take summer classes and maybe some more next semester. SO SHE FAKED GRADUATING COLLEGE.

Ava reactivated her insta recently, blocked me instantly, didnt block MY GIRLFRIEND and posted on her close friends that she added Grace to and said "wilmy is full of lying bitches". So now here it is all laid out. 

The End. 

[likeawolfatthemoon]

a couple years after high school, one of our classmates who was bullied very badly committed suicide.

a few months leading up to this, i had been having a very nasty gut feeling and had tried reaching out to a few people to see if i could get in touch with him just to see how he was doing. like we were never really friends, but we were kind to one another and both bullied, so there was a camaraderie in that. but i was never able to reach him, then that happened, and i carried a very heavy survivor's guilt for not trying harder despite drowning in my own depression and traumatic circumstances.

but i've processed that, it's beside the point.

our high school was a small ~christian~ school that fancied themselves a community which...i'm sure you can imagine exactly the dynamic there. all white, upper middle class, conservative on the outside - judgemental, hypocritical, insidious to the core. and all of those families showed up to the funeral. with their kids (i guess technically adults, but i still saw myself as a kid, so they were too). the same kids that i watched day after day, relentlessly beat down the spirit of someone who tried so hard to still find joy and kindness in the world.

and i took such a great, personal offense to the fact that they were even allowed to be present. to share the same space as people who were mourning a loss they undoubtedly had a hand in. and i don't pretend to know what any of them were feeling, whether they were repentant or bored or were secretly joking with each other in texts between the hymns. but that is the exact feeling i carry with me to this day. that people who were raised thinking they deserved grace have absolved themselves of every sin before the effects of it even touch another person.

but even that is beside the point.

the point is, my Significant Blurred Line Codependent Teenage Best Friend With Whom I Would Eventually Have a Very Dramatic Falling Out made me promise her to not let shitty people into her funeral. like, in a very serious way, a way that young girls teetering on the precipice of a lifetime spent in therapy have.

well over ten years since i've seen or heard from her, i still think about that. how i'm not going to fulfill that promise, nor she for me, and in fact either of us may very well be on the shit lists. but i also think...i don't want to see her, or hear her, or talk to her ever again...but i don't think i would begrudge her mourning me. actually, i hope she mourns me and our friendship presently and has been for a decade. she's been a ghost to me longer than i knew her, but i would mourn if i knew of her passing. because even though she's someone i don't know anymore, she still contains all the parts that i do know.

the weird 15 year old wearing shoes with cat ears in bible class. that i got in trouble for holding hands with in the hall. the 16 year old that took me on my first date on valentine's day. that introduced me to my favorite band, that i would fall asleep listening to. who i would send letters back and forth to in the mail, so we would have something to look forward to, always spinning a preposterous web of stories - usually containing dr. phil and this week's list of hilarious vocabulary words from her little sister? the first person i told i was attracted to girls. who "needed a break" after i told her that. the person who inspired me to start looking deeper into borderline personality disorder because it sounded like her (the irony lovers out there waiting for me to hit MY diagnosis 5+ years down the line). the first person (besides my mother) that promised me unconditionally, unequivocally that they loved me. the person who showed me old gregg (and the fact that i could still piss myself laughing over "easy, fuzzy lil man peach"). the person who chose other people over me time and time again, literally *leaving* hanging out with me to go hang out with other people. who cried and screamed when i hung out with people without her. the person with whom i shared a weird obsession with conan o'brien. the person i talked down from hallucinations in my kitchen after she smoked laced weed. the 20 something woman who accused me of being in love with her like a betrayal of her trust. who of course took her customary-by-then several months break after this accusation. and as always waltzed back when she needed someone to listen and be there for her. and i did. until something finally snapped and i just...didn't have the emotional bandwidth anymore. and one unanswered text turned into three, which turned into a voicemail, which turned into a wall of text, and then days and days and days of constant alerts. hundreds of calls. sobbing crying voicemails, threats of suicide, screaming, accusations, name calling, then more sobbing and crying. and it seemed like i never stopped receiving texts. and this entire time, i felt like the person in the wrong, but i just wanted it to stop. i responded one time, the first day, after the first threat of hurting herself. and the tone shift upon my response from desperate and pleading and hopeless to pure anger...solidified my resolve. but it didn't absolve the guilt i felt from every notification. it was months before they finally stopped completely. sometimes i still feel a zap of anxiety when i see her name written out on someone else's social media somewhere, it's a common enough name.

it's a strange burden to bear, a mourning for a person who existed but doesn't now, whose status on the earth is actually unknown to you. schroedinger's grief.

to mourn someone you could've helped, but didn't. or might've helped, but couldn't.

and i wonder how other people seem to not carry grief with them so wholly and ever-present.

and i don't mean the kind you would expect, like for my mom who died long before she took her last breath, or the child i could have been if x, y, and z were different.

i mean the constant grief, for every moment you leave behind and every person you can't content. and maybe that's not grief, maybe that's guilt. and the razor thin line all of these feelings walk over love. maybe love is an accusation of guilt. maybe it's okay to be guilty.

[returntosaturn271995]

Tuesday, December 27th: A gust of wind

I'm not sure when exactly I committed to living. I'm not even sure exactly when I stopped actively wanting to kill myself. It just stopped playing on repeat in the radio station from hell that used to be my mind.

"Sleep in too late again?" Kill yourself.

"That guy you weren't that into didn't text you back?" Kill yourself.

"Literally one small chore". Ki- well you get the point.

For a very long time, I was passively waiting for something in life to definitively tip me one way or the other: a relationship, a job, a strong wind that day.

It didn't make me much of a fighter. More of a self-contained neutralization of destructive and positive forces. Starbucks coffee and enlightenment books vs. alcohol and bad boyfriends. It was exhausting. Not much fight was left.

Then today, while I was power walking on the treadmill watching the beginning of the Barbie movie at my parent's house: I had a different kind of thought.

I noticed that the incline and tread were way more difficult at one mile than the normal 3-mile walks/runs I do at home. So I thought- okay just hit one mile on the treadmill and that counts as a short jog for the day. Then two thoughts appeared to duel it out:

The first: One mile is lame. You're supposed to run a 10 K this year, you may as well not worked out at all you weak weak bitch.

The second: What so running a mile on the treadmill is terrible? Should I kill myself then? No? Because that's stupid? Oh well, back to making progress in small, achievable steps every day.

And you what that is? Growth. Snarky, beautiful, HBO character growth.

At some point I realized I was never going to end my life, like I said, lazy. So might as well do the best I can, where I am, with what I got. And after reading some old journal entries- I have a hell of a lot more than last year. Amazing legs and more passport stamps jump to mind first.

So yeah, weirdly, "Are you going to kill yourself over this?" has become the ironic power mantra to my old suicidal ideation. A healthier version of this might be: "It's not that deep, keep going".

Meditation would advise me to train my gaze up to my inner eye and let intuition guide me. The key wisdom here is that instead of assigning thoughts and judgments towards feelings, suppressing or distracting them, I should just stay with the sensation until it passes..

...yeah...I'm working on that...almost there, promise. But hear me out "Are you going to kill yourself?" is just so much funnier though. Maybe I'm a sick fuck (Definitely am a sick fuck), but it really throws my previous woes into perspective. I was soooo wounded and I'm just not anymore. I stopped hiding and now feel a little sheepish.

Anyway, I'm packing up to go back to San Diego tomorrow. Books were read, meditations were practiced, and therapy felt good. My body is hydrated, moisturized, and exercised. Several loads of clean laundry are ready to be packed.

I did break down and order a bunch of new shit. BUT giving oneself a little treat for overcoming crippling depression with basic behavioral training requires positive, capitalist enforcement now and again.

Coming for you, 2024. Let's get them miles in.

[beautifulpaxielreads]

Third Annual TBR Challenge, March 2022

Title: Vespertine (Vespertine #1)

Author/s: Margaret Rogerson

Page count: 393

Rep: Margaret Rogerson answered a Tumblr ask (link) stating that Artemisia, the MC, is aromantic/asexual, although I never discovered any specific mention of it in the text. Rogerson has said (in a Tumblr post that has since been deleted - I found the information on Goodreads [link]) that other characters in the novel are queer [link], and even though said queerness is not discussed in this book, it will be covered later on in the series. Also, it has been speculated that Artemisia is on the autism spectrum/is neurodivergent, but Rogerson has yet to confirm this information[link].

Trigger warnings: Animal abuse, descriptions of past child abuse (both physical and emotional) including confinement and self-harm using fire, body horror, murder (including references to mass murder), blood, anxiety, mental illness, violence, necromancy and possession of human bodies by spirits, religious bigotry, fire and fire-related injuries, self-harm, PTSD, battle scenes, medical content, psychological torture, ableism, minor warnings for bullying, suicide

My rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2 (Four and a half stars out of five)

Read more under the cut for my slightly (ok, very) spoiler-ish thoughts.

Thoughts in brief (not that brief, lol):

You might notice in the photo I posted that this book is already looking a little worse for wear. If the amount of damage to a book is an indication of how well-loved it is, then this one is very, very well loved. Of all the Margaret Rogerson books I've read (granted, this is only the second), Vespertine is - in my opinion - the best yet. And it's going to be a series - how awesome is that?!

As I was reading, I kept flipping the pages back, trying to find bits of information that I had overlooked in order to better understand the place I was at. I was so invested in the plot and characters that I read late into the night and actually had to make myself put the book down.

I would like to applaud Rogerson (as well as all her supporters, promoters, editors, etc), because for her, this was an incredibly difficult book to write. She was in COVID isolation and was, in her words, "the most depressed I'd ever been in my life." Massive, massive respect and kudos to you, Madame Rogerson.

I cannot rave enough about Vespertine's MC, Artemisia. She was so well-rounded, so well-written. A character like her runs the risk of being unlikeable, but thanks to Rogerson's writing, this is never the case. Rogerson makes you care about Artemisia and care what happens to her - which is exactly what I, as a reader, want in the characters I'm reading about.

The world-building was really well done too - so carefully crafted and intricate, with the relics, spirits, nuns and the other religious aspects. I'll admit it took a while for me to fully grasp how it all worked, but once I did, I was invested and committed to the world that Rogerson had created.

Now I've talked about the worldbuilding, I simply must mention the revenant, the incredibly powerful, murder-hungry (at least at first) spirit that comes to inhabit Artemisia's body (apologies for my poor explanation, it makes more sense in the book, I promise). Despite its mass-murdering tendencies and hatred of the clergy (known as the Clerisy), it has a delightfully snarky wit and it grows to genuinely care for Artemisia, who, thanks to abuse suffered during her childhood, often forgets to eat or get proper rest. She, in turn, comes to increasingly rely on the revenant for lending her its power and its often blunt advice, and the two develop a close bond which is really heartwarming. The supporting characters were well-drawn too, particularly Mother Dolours and Marguerite.

Despite a slow start - and there were other places where it dragged a little (only a little!) - the plot moved along at a good pace and the eventual twist leading to the climax made logical sense, but also managed to be genuinely surprising.

Loved, loved, loved it - highly recommend! (But please do take the trigger warnings seriously).

[human-person234]

LOL ok here's a chapter, oops, my bad, sorry guys. Glad to be back.

I'm actually feeling quite motivated to write, so I'm optimistic about finishing this fic before I hit my next major wall, but no promises--I've learned my lesson about setting expectations too high for myself. I do, at least, have the next chapter partly written, and the rest of the fic planned out.

I'm not here to give a whole sob story or make excuses--I know I don't need to. Y'all are great. But if you're curious, read on, and I'll tell you the gist of what's going on and give you some more detailed thoughts on this new chapter and where the fic is headed.

I never stopped wanting to write this fic! Like, I think about it nearly every day. I certainly didn't stop reading fanfiction, although I delved into quite a few different fandoms over the last few months. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't write.

There was writer's block, definitely--I got frustrated with how the plot got away from me in places, how my lack of planning meant I had to dig for inconsistencies, how I got bogged down in the details.

But I was also mad depressed, and writing about suicide was not a good way to deal with it, at the time. Like, last year, when I wrote Wish I Hadn't Got So Much Better, that was cathartic, because I was feeling that way. Like, I was counting my pills. Read the fic. Idk. But then, I started to get a little better. I moved, and stopped breathing mold 24/7, and things were looking up.

But reading and writing about suicide were like picking at the wound, keeping it open. I thought I'd take a little time, recover, and then go back to it. I started looking for a therapist.

Then, someone who is very very close to me very nearly committed suicide. I dropped everything and hopped on a train (dedicated readers might remember Izuku's thoughts about Shouto in Wish I Hadn't Got So Much Better) and for a while, I was so focused on my best friend, I tried not to think about me.

But, like Shouta said at some point in this fic, there's something intoxicating about despair. It's dangerous, for people like us, who spend our lives fighting in its hold.

Anyway, I'm in therapy now. I'm not going to kill myself. But I got kind of close there a few times, you know?

But I've talked to my therapist (I really like her!) about how I use reading ansty fics as both catharsis and self harm, and she's helped me. I'm eating better. I'm starting a new job soon. We're past the darkest night of the year (literally--I hate winter).

And I started reading my own fics, and the comments. I remembered how much fun it was. I got caught up in the story again, remembered how many things I'd written that I didn't get to post yet. I thought of things I could have done better.

So I started a note on my phone, which was how this whole thing started in the first place, and today before bed I just...opened the document. It felt like such a hurdle every day of these past five months, and it was so easy??? But like my therapist said, I don't need to stress about what I "need" to do, I'll do it when I'm ready and capable of doing it. And I did!

I do think I'm going to make a few edits to the older chapters, but nothing major. I probably will do a comprehensive edit at some point, but eventually I want to get to some of the other fics rattling around in my brain. I want to milk as much pain out of this au as I can, first.

I thought starting this chapter would be hard, because of the gap. But I opened the document, and I'd already written a page at some point in the past few months. And it just started flowing? I only stopped because I have to go to sleep.

I really need to go to sleep. Just a few more things. Damn this post is too long. No edits, sorry.

I previously had a basic outline for the rest of the story, but I've fleshed it out a bit, and done myself some favors in terms of planning for consistency and saving myself work later on.

I also started a section in the outline labeled "painful nuggets to include" and it's just little snippets of ideas or phrases or details that are especially agonizing. I'm going to build the rest of the fic around those nuggets. I'm so excited.

Thank you for having me back! Happy to be here.

[lostheretics]

⚠️ TW/ suicide

someone i barely know committed suicide, and i just found out today.

like i said, i barely know her. i only know her at that two day religious (but fun bc we're mostly playing games) trip that i had right before the pandemic strikes. i didn't know her personally, but at that two days trip all of us girls, no matter where we came from, no matter the age, we became one that time.

((one as in sharing stories and jokes and laughing all night to the point the boys couldn't sleep and they fret about it the next morning))

she was nice. she was kind. we share some jokes and laugh. it was just two days but i still remember that two days to this day.

because if it wasn't for that trip, i'd be gone too.

i was so stressed i could just end everything right before that. i was fed up with college, with the small space i had to live in, i was broke, my relationship with my best friend was going downhill, i was ready to end it all, truly. that time, any day, any second could've been my last straw.

suddenly my friend from class told me about the free two days religious trip, and i thought, "why not?"

at that trip i grew closer with my friend from class, her other friend, and basically all the girls, including her.

i was happy. i decided not to end it all, trying to think that maybe, just maybe, the future would offer me these kind of happiness again, and i want it.

i want and i know that i deserve that happiness.

from that, i realized, it wasn't my first time feeling down, feeling like i would end it all, because all through out college i feel that way 70% of the time. i was overly stressed, i wasn't myself, that it wasn't the path i wanted to go through.

however, every time these happened, someone would just suddenly appear. a best friend opening the window to my room, only to found out i was crying out of desperation, a friend from a class offering a trip that would change me to a better person, more friends from class that scolded me for not telling them that i was extremely stressed and confused with college and willing to help me graduate nicely, again an episode of a best friend pulling me from under the table and hugged me for so long because i had an explosive episode, another best friends from another places that would not stop calling until i answered and made sure that i was okay.

i had them all

she didn't.

even when she was clearly asking for help, reaching out to her own friends or her own sibling. nothing.

it was until her death, that people around hugged her lifeless body, asking why did she look so pale, so cold, and told her to wake up. calling an ambulance for her but we all know it was too late.

the sibling who realized that she did ask for help. the sibling who finally remembered that she did call and told them "i'm going to xxx i'm ready to end it all"

and i couldn't help but to think, what would happen if i was truly gone, someday, just because i thought i couldn't endure world any longer? would my friends be sad? would my annoying mom who called her stupid for committing the act, finally regret it and understand that people are capable of having pain that wasn't self inflicted? would they regret saying the things they said to me, doing the things they've done?

i barely know her, but my heart ache for her. she was a believer, so i started praying, hoping she'd arrive at that promised better place now. no pain, just peace.

the peace she deserved but never got when she was still here.

so, those who read this. i beg you.

people do love you. if the old ones you knew don't, then the new people you'll find will give that love. the unknown stranger on the street, the virtual friend you have in your social media, the poems, the posts you accidentally found and clicked with you

love exist. we love you. don't leave, don't leave until your body and soul find the happiness they deserve.

because you deserve the happiness, the love, the light. if you can't find it then let us find it for you or if we're able ourselves, to give it to you. give us the chance to save you from that pit of darkness, give us the chance to love you. if you truly can't handle it, let us cry with you. let's go through that hell again but now, go through it with us. and now we won't just be wandering about in the fire but truly trying to look for a way out.

and if, even at that point, you still couldn't find the will to go on, you'll go knowing that you fought hard, and harder, and not alone. you'll go down with the best fight, and you'll go as the best soldier. hell, the general even.

in anyways, know that you are beautiful. body and soul. you are loved. you matter.

spread love, look around you, and reach out to those who are in need, or if you need the help yourself.

don't go through it alone.

and now, to her, the beautiful girl with a beautiful soul and a beautiful smile, rest in love 🥀🥀🥀

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this