#I'm just a person who wanted to watch a beautiful story
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lookingfts Ā· 3 days ago
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The trolls are back - here's how to deal with them
The anon harassers are back in the fandom after a hiatus, and I know this is an especially sensitive time for a lot of people. So I just want to share a few things (that can apply to any fandom) about my experience and how I've dealt with them in the past.
First, and this is the single most important thing, the harassment is NOT about you or your story. It is 1000% entirely about them. There was a time when the stories that got attacked were about specific themes they didn't enjoy. Then it was just every story that was remotely popular. Now, who even knows, it's just everything. Do you know what that tells me? It's not about the writer, or the story. (They've attacked some of THE most talented writers in the fandom and some of THE best stories.) It's about their jealousy over someone else creating something that is loved by others. It's their jealousy over not knowing what their purpose is in life and not knowing what they have to give, so rather than figuring that out, they'll just attack people who have found their gift. So, fuck them for that.
Second! Please believe me that I understand if this impacts your mental health. It's straight up cyberbullying, and that sucks, especially when you're making yourself vulnerable by putting your heart into something and sharing it with the world. So I will not judge you if you need to take a step back. But I would argue that the better way to give them the finger is to ignore them and keep doing what you enjoy. They've already chased several authors out of the fandom, and it clearly hasn't satisfied them at all - they won't be happy until every last person stops writing, for some fucking reason.
Third, here's how I got rid of (the vast majority of) the harassment, as I was getting it pretty bad at one point. First, change your comments on AO3 to "Only registered users can comment." You might literally have to go back and do it for all your stories. It's a pain in the ass, and it cuts off users without an account from commenting, and I know that sucks. But I promise it will solve 90% of the problem.
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For shitty comments from a registered account, just go ahead and block those people.
If they send you asks on Tumblr (I get those too), just keep blocking. Go to your inbox, click the three dots in the top right corner of the message, and hit Block sender. You can even do this with Anonymous asks, and it will block Anonymous messages from THAT sender without blocking Anonymous asks altogether (a feature I dearly wish AO3 would adopt).
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You can also report comments on AO3 and Tumblr - I'm not much of an expert in this, but it's an option.
There were other steps I had to take, but I don't want to give the harassers any ideas (I know they read my posts). So if you have issues beyond this, feel free to reach out to me directly and I can share more, or help you figure out how to deal with it.
I hope this helps. Fic writing is a fun, beautiful creative expression with a wonderful community and I am sick of watching people be pushed out of it. It is not a reflection on your talent, and if anything, shows me that the harasser read and liked your fic and THAT is what pisses them off. If it was truly bad, they wouldn't care. I love all of you writers, and I believe in you, and I am here for you. Together, there are so many more of us than there are of them.
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wolfintumblland Ā· 3 days ago
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I'm a little heartbroken.
I know better, I've been in fandom for a very long time and I try not to let my self get invested in canon queer relationships. 99% of my ships are fanon and not one of my canon ships have ended up together, and a lot of them end with one of them dying. I let bucktommy bring be back to 9-1-1 I was so excited thinking not only has Buck finally found someone who actually works but its a queer relationship to boot. We deserved a better end than this. Buck and Tommy deserved a better end than this. A man looking for someone to love him anyway and a man who is so deeply lonely and wants to love someone. That's who Buck and Tommy are to me.
Its not that they broke up, I wish I could really say I'm surprised, Its how they broke them up. We get this beautiful look at their relationship in 8.5 only to be cut off at the knees with this an episode later. They deserved a better ending in canon, if a breakup was always the plan but this feels off, there was no lead up no nothing. Tommy is just gone Buck is once again single and that's just how its going to be.
But, and is what I really want to say, fandom doesn't live in canon it lives in us. I know so many of you are just as hurt and blindsided by this episode but don't let that take way the joy we found in BuckTommy. Take a break if you need to, personally I don't plan on watching the show any more, I'm not interested in ciclical story telling where nothing actually changes for the characters I love. I'm also going to take the time this weekend to go on AO3 and comment on my favorite BuckTommy fics and tell the authors who create these wonderful stories how much I love and appreciate them.
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delicatelystrangepolice Ā· 2 months ago
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Simon is my favorite character from young royals so I didnā€™t really care if wille ended a monarch as long as Simon could stay away from that. A better ending for me is for Simon never taking Wille back again. He didnā€™t deserve all that bullshit. For me monarchy was not the problem but Wille never understanding Simon he never did in any season.
Hi Anon, thanks for the message! I'm the worst person to discuss YR with because I have a complicated relationship with that story and my opinion about it has changed a lot since I first watched it. But let me use this moment to blab about my thoughts...
I agree that whatever s3 did to wilmon's relationship didn't inspire me to imagine a happy future for them. For first two seasons I cheered for them because they seemed like such a tragic set up; conflicts always thrown at them and they desperately wanting to just be together. I understood their motivations from both sides.
However, I was always a little critical of the amount of conflicts. At some points, it felt like the characters were just being tortured. I excused that with 'oh it's such a complex story, it packages a lot with the little screentime it has and some things are left for the imagination!'
For me it has always been Wilmon relationship that was more 'you just need to read between the lines' which isn't bad in itself but looking at things that actually happened on screen - they never had a proper conversation. There were fights and there were sweet moments but s3 proved that they just don't know each other.
I've seen fans speculating: surely they do talk to each other much more off-screen. Wille saying Simon is the only person he can talk to was one of the reasons for that theory.
Well, how much did they talk if by the end of the story they became... that?
My overall hope came from my own delusions - because I do think it's very interesting to meet people from different backgrounds when you are able to learn from each other, enrich your point of view through their experiences. It happens easily and all the time when people are willing to listen and understand each other. It's what keeps this world fascinating and beautiful.
There were choices made to always keep Wille and Simon apart - creative choices that I first thought were very good but in s3 they became irritating. Instead of showing the potential of what Simon and Wille could be together, the show decided they needed to be tortured all the way through and quickly threw a 'happy ending' that seemed completely nonsensical.
And it pulled me out of the story so much that I was not even judging any of the characters - I only judged the creator. Which... I guess says something about how realistic that story felt to me.
So yeah...
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undiscovered-horizon Ā· 1 year ago
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[To be loved is to be changed. And while being married to you has changed Mihawk, it's not entirely for the better. He's a possessive and protective lover to the marrow of his bones.]
(TW for unwanted sexual comments)
Mihawk knew the name 'Shantaro' quite well. Any time you told him a story from your adolescence that revolved around borderline illegal, unethical or simply reckless adventures, Shantaro was there. The little devil on your shoulder but as reliable as a true angel.
He, however, never expected you to run into Shantaro on the odd night when the two of you can go out. Comfortably basking in your presence, Mihawk is thoroughly enjoying your undivided attention.
Until.
You're suddenly rendered speechless as you notice something - someone - over his shoulder. A wide smile spreads across your face. Mihawk is unsure whether he should rejoice with how beautiful you look or seethe, knowing that another person dared to distract you from him.
"It's Shantaro!" you squeal excitedly. "I'm sorry, love, I'll be just a moment. I haven't seen her in ages!"
Mihawk doesn't even try to stop you as you make your way through the crowd at the lounge. His watchful gaze follows your steps as you approach a stringy woman in a silver dress. A hurricane of black curls sits on top of her head. Her piercing, grey eyes notice you, suddenly widening with both surprise and happiness. The two of you engulf each other in a bone-crushing hug, silently exchanging feelings of longing towards the closest friend from younger years.
The swordsman's night, however, is about to get even worse as he hears someone behind him whisper:
"She's a minx, that foxy wife of yours."
He turns around with his jaw and fists clenched. Mihawk's enraged gaze meets the face of an amused man who is casually sipping on his drink. There's a glint in the stranger's eyes that makes the swordsman's skin crawl - he wanted to get under Dracule's skin.
"Don't look so surprised," the stranger reprimands him. The man must have mistaken Mihawk's baffled expression at the bold words for genuine surprise that someone put two and two together. Truthfully, he couldn't care less whether people know that he's married. "Many pirates get hard fantasising about having their way with the Warlord's wife." Judging by the way the man licks his lips and hides a certain hunger behind his eyes, it's clear he's part of the aforementioned group. "But the Warlord himself? Unfortunately for him, she turns him soft," he drones the word as though it's a serious insult.
"Yes, she does," Mihawk answers slowly.
The events that followed happened exceptionally fast: Mihawk reached for the stranger's neck and slammed the man's head against the bar counter. Curiously, people happening to be in their vicinity carry on as though nothing bizarre is happening - they are smart enough not to get in Dracule Mihawk's way, especially when he is visibly upset.
Blood is gushing from the strange man's forehead, his eye already beginning to swell and change colour. The swordsman tilted his victim's head back just enough to lean down and growl. "Which is why I'm going to kill you much faster than you deserve for your offence."
Mihawk glances in your direction. You're still occupied, excitedly telling Shantaro about the years after you've last met her.
He'll be done before you notice him gone.
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yanderestarangel Ā· 1 year ago
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HEADKANONS | JOHNNY CAGE MK1 WITH S/O
A/N: Yes, he's my favorite, please make requests for me with this man, I need ideas, I need requests- I'm obsessed for him. Do you want to make a request? Read my blog rules in the pinned post.
TW: sfw, smut, fluff, sex, sexual positions, afab reader, pet names, vaginal sex, oral m!re. | f!re |, degradation, daddykink.
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SFW:
Johnny Cage is the typical golden retriever boyfriend, he will want your attention because we know he is an attention slut, not only applies to his fans but also to you, you need to keep in mind that when Johnny wants your attention, He'll get it one way or another, whether it's sending you countless messages, asking you for affection, or even begging you to stay with him, if you're the type to get angry and punish him with silence, he'll be very upset. bad, even becoming physically ill.
He loves being emotionally pampered, a lot of cuddling with him with his head in your lap, while the two of you watch a movie together in the living room of his mansion, while you massage his scalp and the light brown locks of his silky hair, he would be happy. smiling like a fool in love - which he is - even if you pointed it out, he would deny it with some typical joke of his, if you threaten to leave his side or stop making out with him he will pout and complain, a lot.
He also likes tight arms just enjoying the silence between the two of you, chaste kisses on his forehead or cheek are welcome, especially if you wear lipstick or gloss, he will smile sideways and run his fingers through the warm residue on your lips on his skin.
Johnny likes to show you on all his social networks, always taking selfies with you and posting them, stories talking to his fans but always with you by his side, he loves sharing some couple story about the two of you so that everyone can laugh at such a situation that you passed by, like the time he got the location of the award show he was going to wrong and you had to walk a long way to get to the right place, with Johnny carrying you on his back obviously, he wasn't going to make his beautiful S/O walk. If you're the shy type, he'll push you a little, not because he's mean, but because he wants to show you to the world, show the person who makes Johnny Cage happy, but if you still don't want to, he'll respect your decision, Even if it upsets him a little at first, he will still take photos of you and the two of you together, with various filters, from the cute ones to the most cursed ones he finds.
The two of you have a YouTube and Twitch channel together, he already had a channel so now you are a regular guest, after all you date him. Johnny loves just chatting in chat, or reacting to some edits and fanarts that his fans make of him live, he always thanks everyone and is satisfied, from the most amateur to the most professional, everyone is valid and valuable from Cage's perspective , and he also loves the edits with the photo and video of you as a couple, with you and him thanking you for your affection, he leaves the @'s of the editors and designers, encouraging their growth. In the lives it also happens that Johnny plays some games with you, his favorite is the horror genre, he loves seeing your reactions because you feel tense around him and the chat, he sits on a black gaming chair in the center of the camera and you or in the background or on his side - it's your choice - he also gets scared very easily so you can take advantage and poke his shoulder or arm during a tense moment in the gameplay, he'll jump and scream from his chair like a scared kitten while letting out a series of swear words - he may or may not have let his glasses fall to the floor and break one of those times.
Johnny lets you wear his clothes, he's very stylish, if there's something you like, you can wear it, he has enough money to buy a new and identical piece, but obviously there are clothes that he's more zealous and jealous of, he He'll even let you use it if you tell him you'll be careful, if you tear it or get it dirty, he won't do anything other than sigh and get irritated for a few hours, then go buy a piece like the old one and pretend nothing happened.
He also loves that you make him breakfast, he loves his food, his seasoning, the smell of warm food makes Johnny wake up in bed with a satisfied smile, seeing you in his kitchen, preparing everything for him, that's it. it also made his ego rise, but in a good way after all he has you in his life and no Hollywood award compares to having you as his partner, he comes up behind you and while hugging you, giving you a kiss on the head and smelling you, even though he's drowsy, he wants to be there with you, watching you make his breakfast with such care - Cage also whispers in a hoarse and low voice how much he loves you, thanking you for being so helpful to him and that will reward you later however you want -
The two of you play 'just dance' together, Johnny knows practically all the choreographies and makes you dance with him, whether you're good or bad at dancing, what matters to him is that you just have fun with him, and he's great at dancing, knowing move the hips extremely well and being very elastic.
Johnny loves sending you memes, posts, songs, everything he sees and remembers about you he will send you immediately, Johnny is the type who has a gallery full of memes that he never sent because he forgot, he is the type who sends more than +99 reels in less than 10 minutes, so if you two have been chatting don't be surprised if you get distracted and have more than 60 videos in your dm, each with a caption and context from Cage:
"I remembered you."
"LMAO you that day (Y/N)"
"That song is the one you like, isn't it?"
"lol that's so me"
"That food looks delicious, can we make it later?"
"pookie wookie"
"This film appears a lot in my fy, let's see it this weekend"
"Am I bbg in this edit?"
He also uses a lot of emoji and stickers to communicate, with chibi versions of himself often in his chat to show his emotions, he uses emojis to Seriously, then get used to using them.
He also uses a lot of emoji and stickers to communicate, with chibi versions of himself often in his chat to show his emotions, he uses emojis to Seriously, then get used to using them.
The two of you have a typical mean girls night together, with skincare, hair moisturizing, movies together and gossiping together, Johnny doesn't mind if you want to try makeup on him, or paint his nails - as long as it's black and he's not in No acting roles at the moment - he accepts it willingly, and he even likes it when you do eyeliner on him - he looks even more handsome, believe me. -
Loves to pamper you materially! Johnny is the type that if he sees that you are looking too much at a certain product in a store, he will pull you and enter the place, calling the salesperson immediately and buying everything you want, and I guarantee you, he knows exactly when you want something. or when you're lying that you don't want to because you're embarrassed, if you lie and try to say that you didn't want to, Johnny will get serious and immediately take the most expensive products in the store for you, as a form of "punishment" for lying to him. He will be able to take you to the concert of your favorite band or singer when he is off work as a Hollywood star or he will hire the singer/band you want to do a private show at his mansion, nothing is too expensive or impossible for Johnny Cage.
He loves romantic nights with you. Johnny will put on a fancy suit, hire a good buffet for a candlelit dinner with you, something he does practically every weekend, it has become a couple's tradition in your relationship. A good dinner and expensive wine, to end the night with the lights of the Cage mansion partially turned off, with you and Johnny in the large marble area, the only light was from the moon that entered through the large video window, with the song: "You rock my world - Michael Jackson" playing in the background, on the speakers of the luxurious room, with the two of you pressed against each other, just singing while dancing intertwined in a heat of passion and love. - Johnny loves this song because he says it sums up what you did in his life, you rocked his world in a way that he can only thank you internally for being the love of his life, and being the person he can count on always, even though he is sometimes too arrogant and proud to admit it, he always says: "-This song sums up what I feel and have always felt about you honey." -It's his way of saying he loves you, when he can't say it directly.
He hates to show it, but he is extremely insecure, after the separation from his ex-wife - Cris - he always asks you if you still love him or if you will leave him one day, this insecurity causes some jealous attacks when you go out, doesn't it? nothing serious, just Johnny sulking and asking you why you're so different with him - which you weren't - just make this man sure of your relationship, holding his arm or hand when you go out helps a lot, with him smiling stupidly in the corner because you're proud to be dating him, after all who wouldn't be? he is Johnny Cage after all.
He's extremely intelligent, so he'll love rambling about everything about you, movies, art, history, everything. He will talk about several topics at the same time, while his head is in your lap.
NSFW:
Recorded sex: He carries that stupid phone of his 24 hours a day, that is, this also applies to sex, he will fuck you practically making a movie every time, recording in HD all your reactions and how you fit your body to his so well , moans, juices of lust, your face salivating with pleasure, the nicknames, the dirtiest things, all recorded and saved in a folder with a password on his cell phone. He uses the videos to masturbate when he is traveling to direct a film as a director, he becomes needy and needs you by his side, having to settle for the homemade porn videos that the two of you make together, your pussy jumping on his dick in the video, his body, his reactions, as he whimpered, fucking his own dick in his hand, writhing on the hotel bed he was in.
Sex on the phone: Well, when the porn videos you made, he will call you, begging you to masturbate on call with him, either just vocally, or on video call, or exchanging nudes while the two of you did it.
"-Come for me. Show me how much you want my cock, how much you need me to fill you like the submissive whore you are."
Daddykink: Self Explanatory, he loves being called daddy by you, he himself has a habit of calling himself daddy in random situations, with an arrogant air. "-Leave it to Daddy, Baby." "-Oh yes, Daddy Johnny is here to sort it out." And this applies to sex, he will fuck you while you call him Daddy or Daddy Johnny - he loves that shit, it boosts his ego like hell. -
Degradation and praise: He loves to praise you and degrade you at the same time, he also loves to be praised during sex, especially when you do the "missionary" position, while he looked at your face, fucking your pussy with greed and hunger.
"-Do you want to cum, my naughty little slut?"
"-You really want my seed to fill your pussy, don't you? You're such a dirty slut, wanting to be bred by me. You want to mark you as mine, don't you?"
"-You're nothing but a filthy whore, begging for my cock."
"-You're such a good boy/girl, taking my dick in that tight, pretty pussy, like the good slut you are."
His favorite sexual positions with you: 69, Doggy Style, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Missionary, Scoop Me Up, The Seashell, The Pinball Wizard, Valedictorian, Table Top, The Lazy Man, The Snake, Stand and Deliver.
He also loves giving oral, he would really stay under your legs all day fucking you with his tongue if he could, in every corner of his mansion that he could, his tongue fucks you in the right spots, passing from your clitoris to the your entrance tight, his thick and firm hands keep you in place, holding the soft flesh of your hips, massaging the area in small circles with his thumb while looking into your eyes, while his mouth was too busy working for you. make you cum - maybe... Just maybe he rubs his nose on your clitoris to tease you, he has a big nose... Just maybe. -
Johnny likes blowjobs when he's angry, he likes to come home, have a good whiskey while sitting on the couch, and you between his legs, sucking him greedily, it was a relaxing sight, making Johnny remember the good things about life, you.
"-Yes fuck baby... Keep going... I really need to cum, you're my good boy/girl, sucking my dick so good."
Please squirt on this man! He loves to fuck you and make you squirt, whether with his dick, tongue, fingers or even vibrators - which you have to stimulate your pussy and his dick in some foreplay - Johnny just wants you to cum and get him all wet with your Sweet essence, the first time you squirted on him you were embarrassed, but he wasn't, he seemed to have discovered a new world, smiling like a fool.
"-Mmmm Johnny... I... Please take it off, I-" -You tried to speak between moans, while your pussy squeezed Johnny's cock more than ever, he felt something different, smiling sideways.
"-Fuck I bet that's a fucking squirt, come on, I want to see you squirt on my dick baby, this is going to be so fucking hot, just cum in that tight pussy." -Johnny says, thrusting his dick even more into your pussy, with all the strength and speed he could have in his hips at that moment, fucking you to the core, he gives a strong thrust, hitting his dick on your cervix, making you moan and squirt on his dick, abdomen and groin, dirtying him all over, while he smiled extremely happily.
"-I won't stop fucking you until you do it again baby." -He says smug with a cheesy wink, but he was serious, you were going to do that until he saw you squirt and cum like that again.
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Ā©YANDERESTARANGEL 2023
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fishnapple Ā· 2 months ago
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Channelled message: The moment they fall in love with you
(lover/partner/future spouse)
This is a general reading meant for multiple people. Take only what resonates and leave out the rest.
Your feedback is much appreciated. If you find the reading resonated with you, leave a comment, Iā€™d love to know šŸŽ
About me | Masterpost
Book a reading with me - KO-FI (Read this post : personal reading)
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1. Carnelian
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I have to admit that I look like a human being but sometimes I feel like an oyster. I wish I could have their shell, hiding myself behind a sturdy, protective barrier that no one can touch me. I would feel invincible in my weakness, in the darkness that my shell provided, taking a peek only now and then. You must be getting tired of this hide and seek game that I subjected you to, to be an unwilling gamer.
But even then, you excelled at that game, just like in everything you do. How did you beat the game? You ignored the rules, of course. You didn't let me hide, and what is there to be sought if there was no hiding.
You were a magician, transformed the most dire thing into the most hopeful thing. A magician with an X-ray machine, you peered into my inner most thoughts and feelings without opening my shell.
I felt scared and rage at first, who are you to dare to do that to me? I flipped out, of course, natural reaction of someone who had been in hiding for who knows how long. I got angry, I shouted, I cried, I held my breath, and I looked at you, begging you to stop seeing me, knowing me, accepting me. I must look like a clown to you back then.
But you just smiled. A triumphant smile, the smile that someone has after searching for something for so long and finally found it. I could feel you saying this to me: "I'm not an oyster and I'm not the kind to fall in love with an oyster, stop role-playing and sit with me side by side."
And that was how I turned into a proper human and learnt to love properly. Before, it felt like I was a story teller, someone looking from afar, at a safe distance, through the telescope, peered into life. I saw myself being with you, but I didn't really know the me who was being with you, how did they feel. And you reached out your hand, pulled the telescope aside, let me become the one that I had been watching all along and let me feel what they had felt.
I want to confess, sometimes I couldn't shake this dissociated feeling about everything. Sometimes, it feels like I was dangling between two worlds. But I have something new with me, a hope, a faith, that you would be there for me at that time, pull me back to you or accompany me in whatever that world I'm in.
Note: The moment your person falls in love with you would be when they feel seen by you, for all their light and darkness, the beautiful and the ugly parts of them. They're scared of this feeling, it makes them vulnerable. You unmask them, make them come out of their shell and be their real self, no more hiding. The way you do it is gentle and considerate, but the feeling they have will be devastating. They probably are someone who is more detached and isn't too involved with everything for fear of getting hurt. But after falling in love with you, even though the feeling of detachment about the world sometimes still lingers but they will also have the faith that there's someone who can see and understand them, who they can just be and come closer.
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2. Aventurine
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Sometimes, I feel like a bottle floating in this vast ocean of life. People around me, they seem to float right past me. If I could find a companion, then they would just stay for a fleeting moment and then ready to move on, leaving me behind to swim alone again. It never occurred to me that I might have looked at the wrong place.
Call me childish or sentimental, but whenever I looked at you, I felt like Ariel, the little mermaid, hiding behind the rocks to sneak a glance at the prince. You seemed so sure, so fine, so stable, so fixed, so opposite of me.
While I needed to hold on to something to keep me in one place and safe, you were just there, magnificent like the sun, without a care of the world. My soul was transfixed.
Many came to me with their offers, but their light paled in comparison to you, the true light. They were like the moon while you were the sun, and even though I'm a coward, I still dare to be ambitious and aim for the sun. It's like a moth to a flame.
Your smiles were and still are the warmest. They made the cold creature in me surrender and crawled out of the dark to actually stand in the light before you. Was it a kind of reverence? I dare not to use such a heavy word. And I dared not to impose my heavy feelings on you.
The moment I saw your light, I had already become speechless. I wanted to tell you many things, the good, the bad, the silly but I couldn't find the words. And that was fine, really. I found love in the silence of our existence together.
You taught me that life was not just about constantly swimming and floating but it can also be about being still and taking in all the things around us, and taking out all the things inside us. To lay them out on a table and let the other pick what they like, making a trade. You keep something of mine, and I keep something of yours.
Note: Before meeting you, falling in love with you, this person just floated through life with several superficial connections that, at the end of the day, made them feel even more lonely than before. There is a feeling of being lost in the dark, forever grasping for something. Then the moment they see you, your composure, your stillness and your stability will draw them in, probably a moment where you will display a sense of responsibility and confidence, being there for them, being their rock. They will feel a sense of finally being able to rest, to stand still and enjoy life.
Their temperament and yours are probably opposite of each other. Opposite attracts.
The moment they fall in love will also be the moment they put you on a pedestal, a fixed place for them to look up to. And at the same time, they will want to fuse with you, to possess some of your traits while you are taking in their influences. The feeling, the desire for belonging will be the spark that ignite their love for you.
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3. Agate
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You want me to tell you the moment that I fell in love with you? Can I be greedy and tell you many moments instead?
I don't have a love switch in me that can switch on and off suddenly. The concept of love at first sight perplexed me.
To me, loving you feels like the spread of the ink, the water that flows slowly, the trail that we keep walking on. I felt like a piece of paper with a corner touched by the tip of your pen absentmindedly. The ink just spread slowly, but everywhere, until the piece of paper turned completely into your colour. A natural progression, the inevitable.
We debated, we laughed, we played, we dreamed, we ran, we feared. All of those moments, together, made the ink soaked deeper and deeper still, forming indelible marks on me.
I had put a lot of thoughts into this subject, believe me, about why did I fall in love with you and I had no answer, to this day still don't. I'm afraid, actually, to find the answer. What if the moment I put a definition to it, the moment the answer materialise in my head, it becomes a checklist? If the things in that checklist become untrue, will I just fall out of love with you? I'm scared of my mind sometimes, it kills the magic. Yes, I believe in magic. Even if I know that the magic trick in the show is all about the sleight of hand, but in some corners of my heart, I still believe in the real magic of the act. A part of me refuses to see the logic, the reality. Let me dream a little and don't ask me to define the indefinable, that is our love. Let things stay inexplicable sometimes.
Note: This person refused to define any moment as the moment they fell in love with you. It's a gradual progress for them. Everything you guys did together is another drop of ink (their word) making the love deeper.
They couldn't tell the beginning of it, and they are afraid of thinking about it, actually. It makes them dread the possible ending.
To this person, love is a journey, stretched through the span of their life, there is no start point nor an end point. They are highly rational and in their head a lot. Notice that they used the word "think" and "head". But they are aware that a part of them, their heart, yearn for something magical, the inexplicable and they want their love to be that way, to escape the scrutiny of their head, to leave out the logic.
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4. Citrine
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I had a belief that life is supposed to be an endless journey. We constantly have to keep moving, never stop. Whatever we are doing, whoever we are meeting, one day, they will all go away, leaving us, alone, on our journey. And I had been living with that belief for a very long time. Until you.
Being with you made me question if it was really necessary to be always on the move, to be alone on my journey. Yes, it's necessary to be always on the move, but it's not necessary to be alone. Just like a ship, they stop, the passengers step out, new passengers step in, and the ship goes on. But the captain and the crews won't change, they are together with the ship. And I wanted you to be the captain of my ship.
Changes are good, but having someone going along with you through all of those changes is even better, or best. I moved a lot, I travelled a lot, constantly seeking, constantly reaching. It wore my soul down. Some days, I just arrived home then threw myself on the bed, exhausted, trying to sleep to save the energy for the next day. It went on and on, the motion. I had all these experiences, all these wonderful stories along my travels that I didn't know whom to share with. I didn't have someone to hold me when I felt shaken, to whisper that everything would be okay. Until you.
Maybe the path I need to travel wasn't just to some faraway places but also to you all along. For the first time, I wanted to hang on dearly to something, someone, to you and to our relationship. To have a real home, to see myself so connected to you that the thought of leaving would be immediately banished out of my mind, to imagine myself being a parent to our children. I contemplated all of these and I saw all of these in my mind, clear as day.
Note: Before being in a relationship with you, this person had been travelling alone, constantly on the move, never had concrete, long-lasting connections with anyone. Could be due to their job and environment that they had to move a lot. It made them exhausted and didn't have enough energy for anything else.
But by meeting you, being in a relationship with you, their belief has changed. They want a companion, someone whom they can commit to and build a stable life with. Even with all the travelling, they can still feel the sense of being anchored. That's when this person falls in love with you. Now they have someone whom they can offer their love, their stories to, whom they can imagine a future home life with, who can hold them close without holding them down.
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5. Labradorite
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I have always yearned to be a part of a romantic fairy tale since I was a kid. Keep this a secret for me, okay? I dream of the two characters meeting at the most fateful moment, going through many hardships, longing for each other, and finally, at the end of the tale, pulling each other into an eternal kiss. And guess what, I actually have that with you! Minus the ending part and eternal kiss, we don't end, and an eternal kiss will make us out of breath. But you get the gist of it.
The first time you had to go away, I thought I would be fine, it's not like you went away forever, it was just a trip. And then, with each day, I found myself growing more restless. Constantly asking in my head, "Hey, where are you now? What are you doing?" Talking with you through the phone wasn't enough, I wished we had a telepathic line constantly connected to each other. Oh wait, maybe we do, I even saw you in my dreams.
And then you came back. That moment when I saw you, I felt something bursting inside me, like a balloon kept getting bigger and bigger inside me, pressed and stretched my outside taut. It hit me like lightning, I was a tree rooted in one place and lightning just strike down. I burst open and revealed my thumping heart inside. Was I overreacting?
I wished the place that you and I met on that day were our home so that I could play the longing character and finally welcome their lover home. Your familiar face is the face I want to see whenever I open the door. Your laughter is the one I want to hear whenever I say something funny (in my mind) or ridiculous. And your embrace is the one I want to be in whenever I realise I have someone by my side.
Note: This person might develops feeling for you for a long time but won't realise it themselves. Until you have to go away someday, it won't be a true separation. Might just be a business trip or some long vacation.
Your absence will make them feel a longing for you that they can't really explain because the situation won't be dire and serious, just a normal, temporary separation.
When they finally get to see you, all those longing feelings will come bursting out, and that's when they will realise they love you. You guys will actually do many things that they fantasise about when they were a kid. It will feel like a truly magical thing for them.
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6. Amethyst
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Ah yes, we can always tell our children and our grandchildren how we felt in love at a party, making them jealous of our boldness. Now I'm getting ahead of myself.
What better way to celebrate than to have someone with you to share the joy with. You're always like that to me. Whatever joy I have, whatever joy you have, we've never failed to share it with each other. And I'm honoured.
My wish had finally come true. I have achieved many of my ambitions. I can confidently say that I had been working hard and I earned it.
And that's when I saw you. I can also confidently say that you looked stunning at that party. You looked happy and I could feel that somehow our happiness was on a similar wavelength.
I have to admit, the afterglow feeling of my success made me a lot more bold and optimistic than normal. If it was the past me, I would probably have swept the attraction under many layers of insecurities and nervousness. Trying to convince myself that it was just a delusion.
But here I was. I dared to look for love. I mean, I had achieved success in different areas, there's no way I couldn't be successful in love, right? Logical, you can't argue with that (of course you will)
Deep inside me, I probably had felt that love would be the biggest achievement I could get. And I was willing to set out again, to put my effort into achieving that dream, with you.
Note: This group is strangely short. This is a person that hides a lot of their thought to themselves and they find expressing what they feel through words is difficult. They are more actions oriented. Prefer to set out milestones and goals to achieve. They consider everything good in their life is their achievement.
You guys probably meet at a celebration party, maybe you won't be there to attend the party but just coincidentally in the same space, maybe a restaurant, an open space.
They will have achieved some big milestones that make them proud and more confident, they put in their effort and now they can reap the reward.
The feeling of joy will be heightened. And amidst that celebration, they will see you and fall in love, very likely a love at first sight situation. And they will believe that they can achieve happiness with you.
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philip-the-nickel Ā· 1 year ago
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Marketing did Elemental DIRTY
Just saw the movie, it was well worth the watch. The trailer made the movie look like some half assed race metaphor Zootopia ripoff with a canned, rehashed love story you've seen a million times.
Let me be clear, Elemental was none of the things the trailer made you believe it was.
First things first, The Romance:
There's a reason aro/ace people are flocking to this movie. The main couple falls in love without having to rely on any passionate kisses or hand holding; they fall for each other based on who they are, their personalities, their interests, their appreciation of the other's uniqueness. The central hand holding comes at a point in the movie well after the two are established as a couple, and have gone on many dates together. This movie makes their characters fall in love over mutual appreciation, not physical chemistry, and its such a genuine, sweet, wholesome romance to see play out
On top of that, this movie goes into a lot of aspects of immigrant life and the expectations that come with being a first born in a new country. The romance does not shy away from this or sweep it under the rug. The romance blossoms as the two learn more about each other, and come to understand and respect those differences.
Second, the movie isn't about romance, its about being an immigrant.
I came into this movie expecting zootopia 2: now with elements, and what I got was a heart-wrenching look into the life of a first generation child in a new land, born to immigrant parents. The movie absolutely does NOT sugar coat things, showing not only an ellis island moment of having your name changed, but also a number of topics ranging from having to navigate in a city made for people who are nothing like you, being denied housing, micro-aggressions, and straight up being denied entry to public places based on who you are.
The true heart of this movie is about the child of immigrants realizing the life she wants for herself, struggling with disappointing people who gave up everything they had so they could give you a better life, repaying that sacrifice and what a burden it feels like, and somehow facing the truth of who and what is staring back at you from the mirror.
Third, and lastly, the movie is absolutely beautiful
The trailers did this movie dirty. You never saw the refracting lights from firelight streaming through water, you didn't see the glassblowing, or how the fire dies down to barely a wisp when Ember is sad to burning like a wildfire when she's angry. You didn't see the scene underwater with the tree and |Spoilers|, you didn't see the world building or the character design that went into the background characters. This movie is absolutely beautiful, and uses light as both a visual treat and a metaphor for the movie's themes. Its absolutely gorgeous.
So, if you're wondering whether to skip this movie or watch it, I'm telling you now: ignore the trailers and go see this in theaters.
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hotvintagepoll Ā· 6 months ago
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Propaganda
Katharine Hepburn (Bringing Up Baby, The Philadelphia Story, The African Queen)ā€”(I hope someone else submits real propaganda but just in case they don't:) Cries. Screams. Wails. The woman who singlehandedly made me realize I was bi. A real "do i want to look like her. be her. or be with her.' crisis, where the answer was all three. Holy shit please all three.
Diahann Carroll (Paris Blues, Carmen Jones, Porgy and Bess)ā€” Face of an angel. She had the range. She brought chemistry with every romance she portrayed. She also had a great fashion sense, and was so pretty Mattel made a doll based off of her.
This is round 6 of the tournament. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. Please reblog with further support of your beloved hot sexy vintage woman.
[additional propaganda submitted under the cut.]
Diahann Carroll:
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Another groundbreaking black actress, although she might be better remembered for her television roles. She was also an activist and worked with charities to support women in need.
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here she is hanging out with shadow prince anthony perkins :3
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Katharine Hepburn propaganda:
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I'm sure one million people will submit her as an iconic Hollywood star but that iconicness might lead people to forget just how insanely hot she was like she had it ALL she was skilled she was funny she was smart she was beautiful AND she was likely bisexual
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The single word I would use to explain Katherine Hepburn's appeal is *range*. In her acting career, that meant covering all the ground between lush period dramas and the comedies she did with Carey Grant and Spencer Tracey. In terms of hotness, it meant an uncanny ability to bring anything from a Dietrich-esque androgyny to some of the best Classic Hollywood Glamour you will ever see.
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Katharine hep was so cool. The VIBES, the INDEPENDENCE,,, living life on her own terms.
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she just had this.... bearing to her, this power. she could be funny, even silly (like in bringing up baby) but also so regal and elegant. she was nobody's fool and dear GOD that's so hot
Fancam link
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Sheā€™s not only stunningly gorgeous (those eyes that pierce your soul! a jawline you could cut glass with!) but her delivery and physical presence in roles gives off confidence and authority in such a sexy way (truly the biggest dick energy of Old Hollywood). Her fiery energy in The Philadelphia Story? Unmatched.
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God she's. She's so hot y'all. She has the range!!!!! Funny and dramatic and lovely
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She IS the transatlantic accent. Classically gorgeous and such a strong personality.
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She's literally one of the funniest women to ever live! She goes shot for shot with Cary Grant in Philadelphia Story and we damn well love her for it! She's the most annoying creature to ever live in Bringing Up Baby but she's so insane and funny that we simply cannot help but fall in love with her (and root for her to give Grant an aneurysm!)
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i know she's accounted for but i really want to be sure someone has submitted the scene in bringing up baby where she's pretending to be a gangster
youtube
She simply stuns onscreen; you cannot do anything but be captivated by her presence. Also a non-gender-conforming icon and mild tumblr celebrity by virtue of that one picture from The Warrior's Husband (stage play).
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Katharine Hepburn was out here casually changing the lives of young butch lesbians with her gender swag! She wore pants even when people said she shouldnā€™t, she refused to marry or have kids, and she wore menswear in at LEAST one movie!
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If I start thinking about her face for too long I will cry she is so so hot. Katherine is so charismatic and charming in everything she appears in - watch her adopt a leopard and fall in love with her. Also she has the biggest dick energy ever (she and her pal Lauren Bacall share that accolade). Also had an incredibly long and varied career from screw ball comedies to serious dramas - sheā€™s a queen of the screen and I adore her.
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Someone's got to mention it, but she's won the most Oscars out of any performer and is largely considered one of the greatest actresses ever. She's got an incredible voice, an incredible presence, and she absolutely steals every scene she's in. She was private person and deemed standoffish and unapproachable, but she was also profoundly concerned for people's rights and was an outspoken supporter of abortion access. Finally, the Katharine Hepburn slacks look is just iconic. I mean look at her.
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This woman. I have been obsessed with her for years. I know the urban legend is a popular one at this point of her walking around set in her underwear when her pants were stolen and she was left with only a skirt, but the pants thing is honestly enough for her to be the hottest in the room in my book. She refused to wear anything else at a time when the public in general and especially the studios did not like that. She was independent, stubborn, and so so very capable. Competency kink anyone? Also, if you want one final way that Katharine's entire life was saying "fuck you" to the establishment, it started young! Her mother took her to suffrage events, and she never got rid of that attitude of justice. I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of all the ways she was such a badass that I'm turning into a rambling mess instead.
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potatoplace Ā· 22 days ago
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the 1
Elriel, Azriel x Archeron!Reader
Alternate Endings: Gone | betty | The Prophecy
mini-series masterlist | ACOTAR x reader masterlist
Story Summary: All you had ever wanted to be was plain. And now, as a plain-faced High Fae, you want more. You want your mate.
Warnings: mentions of self-harm, self-loathing, suicide
Words: ~2.6k
Author's Note: I'm sorry. (I told you guys I've been having a rough week...) Apparently my brain is saying 'fuck Kinktober!' Even tho like. I WANT to write those... smut just doesn't feel in the cards for me today šŸ˜© so have some tasty tasty angst instead. (I'm also watching an Eras Tour live so I'm hella cheered up now lol)
18+ only pls
šŸ¤šŸ’™šŸ©·šŸ’™šŸ¤
Self loathing grew in your gut as you watched your family around you.
All of them were happy, reveling in the togetherness that they shared.
And your mate- your mate- was ignoring you. He was speaking to one of your sisters, absolutely enamored with her. And you couldnā€™t blame him.
Elain had always been the pretty one of the four of you, a shining diamond even in the filth of poverty.
Nesta was the one with regal beauty, her sharp eyes and the way she carried herself not letting anyone think otherwise.
Your twin, Feyre, was stunning, even if she herself had never seen it, the cleverness in her eyes and quiet grace drawing peopleā€™s gaze to her.
And then there was you.
You wereā€¦ the ugly one. Your mother had said so, even though you were only a child when she passed. Your father had quietly agreed with her. Nesta had mocked your looks when she had had a bad day, which was nearly every day while you had been living in the run down hut after your family lost their fortune. Elain said nothing, but shot pitying looks at you when no suitor asked for a dance while you had still been human, even when it had been a ball thrown in your honor for your birthday. Feyre has been the kindest to you, reminding you that itā€™s what on the inside that countsā€¦
But that didnā€™t appear to be so.
Even with a mating bond that you knew should draw Azrielā€™s attention, his eyes were still glued to Elain. He seemed to be able to breathe only when in her presence, taking in the same air as her.
And in your presence? He couldnā€™t seem to get away fast enough.
Being dumped into the Cauldron had made both of your sisters even prettier, and Feyre was no exception either after being turned High Fae.
For you, it had made you plain. No longer ugly, unless you counted the still crooked teeth and too small nose and thin mouth.
Just plain.
As a human, you had begged to whatever higher power there was that you could just be plain.
But now that you were, you knew it would never be enough.
Because while Feyre was right, your personality mattered more in a long term relationship than your looks, being pretty drew people in.
Being plain only made you fade into the background.
Azriel laughed at something Elain had said, the sound sending warmth through your body.
It should be you making him laugh, not Elain.
Elain, with her beauty and poise and perfect personality and her ridiculously handsome mate who wanted nothing but her time.
Elain, who seemed to want no one and no thing but your mate.
Your Azriel.
You tore your gaze away from the couple, who you already knew were in a relationship. Elain had confessed it to you a month ago, gushing about how their fifth date had gone and how she thought he was the one. She had told you first, knowing that you wouldnā€™t tell anyone.
After all, who would you tell?
Itā€™s not like you had any friends in Velaris- or in the human lands, for that matter- and your other two sisters were so preoccupied with their mates and growing personal circles that they hardly had the time to look at you, let alone talk to you.
No. You were alone. You were a lockbox for all of her secrets.
Including that she was planning to officially reject the mating bond once Azriel offered a proposal of marriage.
That had made you sick to your stomach, but you had hidden it deep, deep down in your heart as you congratulated her and faked happiness, asking her when she thought he would propose.
ā€œAny day now, I suspect. Azriel told me that he was planning for the future, and wanted to know if I would like to be a part of it,ā€ she had sighed dreamily. ā€œWe just need to tell the family, I know thatā€¦ Rhys was worried about what us being together would mean for court relations. But heā€™s just being dramatic, donā€™t you think?ā€ Her chocolate eyes landed on you, so filled with hope that you couldnā€™t tell her that he was your mate.
ā€œYes, heā€™s just worried, ā€˜Lain. Iā€™m sure everything will be fine,ā€ you managed to say, and relatively normal at that.
That was last night, and while your eyes had drifted to the carpeting, they shot back upwards at the sound of clinking metal on glass.
Your mate, standing with a flute of sparkling wine in his hand and a knife in his other, had his arm locked with Elainā€™s.
He cleared his throat once he had everyoneā€™s attention, his eyes passing over everyone-
But you. His eyes skipped over you, even now, with the bond flaring in your chest.
ā€œElain and I have something to announce, though Rhys already knows what it is.ā€ You heard a hand slap against an arm, Rhysā€™s faked moan of pain, and Nesta scolding her mate. Azriel smiled at their antics, such a rarity on his face that your heart skipped several beats, leaving you lightheaded.
It most certainly wasnā€™t because of what they were announcing.
ā€œElain and I have been dating for the past two months, and we would like to make it official with you all now. In fact, the two of us will be moving into a cottage in town later in the month, and we would like to invite you all to join us for a housewarming party in two weeks.ā€
The inner circle broke into cheers around you, Cassian immediately encasing his brother in his arms and clapping him on the back.
ā€œCongratulations, brother! I know youā€™ve waited a long time to find love.ā€
You remained seated where you were, offering a smile to the happy couple but staying put.
If you stood, you were sure to faint. Or be sick. Or both.
Nesta was the only other person who remained where they were, a skeptical look on her face.
ā€œI hate to be the person to bring the party downā€¦ā€ She started, her voice weary. ā€œBut what of your mates? Havenā€™t you wanted one for your whole life, Azriel? What will happen when you find her?ā€
ā€œIf I find her, I will reject the bond, Nesta. My love for Elain eclipses that of what I thought possible, even with a mating bond. Nothing and no one will ever compare to your sister,ā€ Azriel answered, which seemed to be enough to have Nestaā€™s approval, as she stood and made her way to the couple.
ā€œThen Iā€™m happy for the both of you. But if you ever hurt my sister, you will deal with me,ā€ Nesta warned, ice in her tone.
You didnā€™t stick around to hear what came next.
Nothing and no one will ever compare to your sister.
And of course, he was right. How could you compare to Elain?
She was beautiful, yes, but she was also a perfect match for Azriel. Kind and caring, always ready to help people, not to mention she would be a wonderful mother.
And then there was you. Plain. Boring. Nothing special.
Even the Cauldron hadnā€™t thought anything of you, leaving you with a High Fae body but no magic to speak of.
You couldnā€™t even fathom why you had been made Azrielā€™s mate when Elain was such a wonderful pairing to him, and had the magical abilities to match.
You stumbled your way to the town house, where you had taken up residence once Feyre and Rhys had finished the river house. Once inside you quickly made it to your room and shucked off your clothes after locking the door.
Bare, you stood before the mirror and assessed yourself. It was a habit you had picked up once your family had regained their fortune after Feyre had been stolen away.
One that brought you no comfort, but you needed to do.
Your physique was fine, you had filled out in the past year of being fae.
But there was nothingā€¦ special about you. You were medium height. Your chest was a bit smaller than average. Your legs were on the shorter side, making your torso look too long.
And your legsā€¦ they were covered in small white scars.
Another habit that you had picked up, this time after turning fae.
And tonight would be no different.
You suppose the one saving grace of being turned fae was your quick healing, letting you destroy your body without anyone knowing.
And no one ever would, seeing as your mate was on his way to being married to your sister.
A sigh left your lips as you turned to your bed, fishing the small blade you kept underneath out from below the mattress.
Tonight would be no different.
Except now you knew that even if you confessed your bond to Azriel, your heart would be torn to shreds no matter what.
šŸ¤šŸ’™šŸ©·šŸ’™šŸ¤
It was two months later, during Starfall, that your world crumbled further.
You had donned a plain dress in a midnight blue, with long flowing sleeves and reaching your feet. You had opted for flats, seeing as no one would pay you enough attention to notice if you were in heels or not.
No, no one would notice you at all.
Because Azriel had a ring in his pocket.
One that you had given him advice on, to choose something Elain would love.
A glutton for punishment, thatā€™s what you were as you gazed at the beautiful couple, clad in matching blue outfits and beaming at one another.
You had attempted to stay home that night, only for Azriel himself to personally fly you up to the House of Wind, insisting that you needed to be there for Starfall.
You knew he meant their engagement, though.
He hadnā€™t even glanced your way once last Starfall, so you knew it wasnā€™t that you would be missed by him.
Still, you stood on one of the balconies, watching them. Waiting for the moment that your life would be forever altered, never to have a great love.
Because truly, your one chance at a great love was a mating bond. You knew that no one would choose you to spend their life with, not when you were so plain and boring with nothing to draw people in, to get to know you.
They were dancing together, so wrapped up in each other that it was painful to watch.
And then your feet were moving, leading you straight to them. You met them right as the song finished, the two of them just inches apart.
It stung.
ā€œAzriel, may I speak to you for a moment?ā€ You asked without realizing the words had left your mouth. ā€œAlone, please? It will just be a moment, I promise.ā€
You cringed at yourself.
What were you doing?
Azriel glanced down at Elain, who nodded with a smile. ā€œOf course. Iā€™ll be right back, sweetheart,ā€ he said softly, placing a gentle kiss to Elainā€™s lips before following you back into the House, away from the commotion.
ā€œWhatā€™s this about, Y/N?ā€ Azriel asked in a clipped tone once you were alone, anxiously glancing back to where you had left Elain.
ā€œIā€¦ā€ You hesitated, the words catching in your throat. Are you really going to tell him?
ā€œWell?ā€ He asked impatiently, his shadows swirling around him.
ā€œIā€¦ Iā€™m your mate,ā€ you said, the words rushing out all at once, and your tore your eyes away from his face and to the floor.
ā€œYouā€™reā€¦ Youā€™re joking, right?ā€ Azriel asked incredulously.
A dagger of ice to the heart, crafted of your own yearning and longing for him, for your mate.
ā€œNo, Iā€¦ Itā€™s true, Azriel. I am your mate.ā€ Your eyes flicked back up to his face after you said it again, but you wished you hadnā€™t.
Anything would be better than seeing the horror in his eyes, the disgust twisting his features.
The dagger, forced in further by a hand smacking the hilt.
ā€œYou?ā€ Azriel laughed. ā€œWhy would the Cauldron make you my mate?ā€
Twisting, bleeding, shredding your soul apart even as you felt the bond flare to life on his end, the very slightest stumble as he regarded you.
ā€œIā€¦ I donā€™t knowā€¦ā€ You whispered, barely audible.
ā€œYouā€™re not my mate,ā€ Azriel said, stepping away from you. ā€œYou were never going to be my mate. Youā€™re a fine enough person, sure, but how could you compare to Elain?ā€ He shook his head, snickering to himself. ā€œI suppose these five hundred years of waiting were for nothing. Iā€™ll tell Cassian or Rhys take you back to the town house. Justā€¦ā€ He sighed. ā€œDonā€™t take it personally. Itā€™s not you, itā€™s me, hmm?ā€
And with that, the bond between the two of you was shredded, a wounded cry leaving your lips as you sank to the ground, clutching your chest where it used to reside, glowing brightly and giving you a reason to go on.
ā€œI think itā€™s best for you to stay away from Elain and I. I wouldnā€™t want you getting territorial and ripping my loveā€™s throat out of anything. Goodbye, Y/N.ā€
You barely heard him walk away, so overwhelmed with pain.
Why me?
Why was I his mate?
Why didnā€™t I just drown in the Cauldron?
With a great deal of trying, you managed to hoist yourself back onto your feet, stumbling your way to one of the unoccupied balconies, still clutching your chest.
Your gaping, empty chest.
Because Azriel still had your heart. He had shredded it, mangled it beyond believe but it still resided with him, leaving you with nothing but a hole where it used to be.
Your legs crashed into the edge of the balcony, your hands flying to the stone to steady you.
But it didnā€™t help, everything was still spinning, blood rushing in your ears as your heart kept beating somehow, somehow still physically intact even as you felt it was being ripped from your chest over and over and over.
You couldnā€™t breathe.
You couldnā€™t live.
The very fact that Elain was so casual, so blasƩ about shredding a bond to bits had you questioning everything you thought you knew about your sister.
How could she condemn someone to this existence?
Because already, you werenā€™t living.
This couldnā€™t be living.
It couldnā€™t be.
You risked a peak over the edge, spying the sharp, jagged rocks below.
If you werenā€™t living nowā€¦
Before you could second guess your choice, you lifted yourself onto the balcony, letting your legs dangle for a moment.
Then you swung them over the stone, to the side that had nothing to catch you.
Well, nothing but the cold embrace of death.
Which at this point would be a welcome reprieve from the fiery hot grief flooding through you, grief at the bond that was never given a chance, a moment to be considered.
But perhaps that was all the consideration you needed. To know that you would only have been a burden of mate to the male you had fallen for.
You took one last, jagged breath into your lungs before you slid off the smooth stone, air rushing past you and-
This must be what it feels like to fly.
General Taglist: @daughterofthemoons-stuff @lilah-asteria
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zreamy Ā· 1 year ago
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won't let you go (this time)
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pairing: lee heeseung x fem!reader
summary: back home for good after a semi-unsuccessful first year at university in a new city, youā€™re looking forward to getting back into the routines of your old life in the town you grew up in but the one person youā€™d been desperate to see doesnā€™t seem too pleased about your return :(
genre: angst.. ......... fluff, smut, college au, exes to lovers, second chance romance, slow burn
warnings: minors dni, british in a way that's not vague (might be vague.. it's hard to tell when ur british), so so long, sad heeseung, long paragraphs..
word count: 36,007 .. (apparently, i'm in a competition with myself to see who can write the longest fic)
playlist: seasons wave to earth, understand keshi
author's note: writing this fic was like pulling teeth and then cooking pasta out of it.. bUT IT'S DONE !!! also one of these scenes is smth i reworked from a fic i posted to wattpad in 2021.. thanks @asahicore for the beta u rock ! and as always be lmk ur thoughts (positive/negative/anything) šŸ¤
fic taglist: @enhastolemyheart
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Lee Heeseung had often imagined what it would be like when he saw you again.Ā 
Sometimes, he envisioned you standing on his doorstep, playing with the cuffs of your sweater. Other times heā€™d dream up a chance encounter at the local grocery shop, where youā€™d be distracted and bump the end of your trolley into his. Heā€™d even pictured a sun-soaked vacation, a gorgeous white sand beach where the temperature would be inching past the thirties. You, laying out on a patterned towel, lost in the pages of a book, and your pretty face obscured by its cover. Yet, even with the sun in his eyes and his poor vision, heā€™d recognise you without a doubt.Ā 
Regardless of circumstance or setting, in all of his hazy daydreams, youā€™d look up at him with unbridled love in your eyes and say the words he wanted to hear all those months ago: I choose you.Ā 
Heeseung had always imagined that his heart might glow in his chest, through his shirt like something from Jane the Virgin, and youā€™d know you made the wrong decision.Ā 
But sometimes, typically when in an alcohol-fuelled state of despondence, these images would be rougher around the edges. Heeseung would be hot, with bleach-blond hair and thick dark browsā€”a walking, talking beacon of sexual energy when youā€™d see him. In his head, it would happen at a party or a club somewhere, and heā€™d be too busy talking to another girl to notice you, his arm hanging off of her, lust clear in his eyes. Somehow, even in sweatpants and an old hoodie of his, youā€™d still look as beautiful as always.Ā 
ā€œHeeseung,ā€ youā€™d say, completely crushed with tears welling up in your eyes under furrowed brows. ā€œI choose you.ā€
Reluctantly, heā€™d draw his eyes away from the girl and notice you, finally, and a smile would spread on his lips, a mean one, condescending. Heā€™d shrug, wrapping his arm tighter around the girl and say, ā€œYouā€™re too late.ā€ He wouldnā€™t mean it, but heā€™d say it just to drive you crazy. Make you beg him to take you back for months until he felt youā€™d suffered enoughā€”as much as he had.Ā 
These thoughts were few and far between and mainly followed by hot, guilty tears rolling down his cheeks because he knew it was his fault. After all, he was the one to let you go.
For now though, the little round table in Markā€™s backyard seats four, and, in the arms of a balmy summer night, Heeseung chooses the seat closest to the fence. The garden light is still busted so in his seat of choice, furthest from the kitchen door, heā€™ll go completely unnoticed but still see anyone who might join him outside.
His phone is freezing when he takes it from his pocket and unsurprisingly holds no notifications beyond the outsiiiide text heā€™d gotten from Jake before the party started. Through Instagram stories, Heeseung watches the night play out from the perspective of people who are enjoying themselves while ignoring the voice in his head that tells him he could be one of those people if he tried.Ā 
Maybe he was a fool for believing that tonight would go differently and that the boys would keep their ā€˜broā€™s nightā€™ promise for longer than it took to cross the thresholdā€”but itā€™s not like he blames them. Maybe he was a fool for believing he would find more company than his somewhat abandoned bottle of Peroni that watches him mockingly from the glass table.Ā 
He grimaces after taking a sip from it, remembering that he was only ever carrying it around so his friends wouldnā€™t feel the need to load him with shots. Now heā€™s not so sure that wouldā€™ve been a bad thing, seeing as heā€™s completely sober and aware of the tightness in his chest as he scrolls through the text thread heā€™s had pinned for years. Its end came abruptly; revived only by an ignored blue bubble saying: i heard youā€™re back home for the summer..Ā 
Seeing it now, he regrets hitting send even more than he did two weeks ago. Heeseung hates himself for believing the boys when they said it was a good thing that you opened the message right away. ā€œMeans sheā€™s thinking of u 2 dude,ā€ was Jake's message to the group chat (along with four bicep emojis and two red exclamation marks). Jay replied: i hope you guys can talk things out! And Sunghoon didnā€™t say anything.Ā 
All your conversations bring up memories that hurt more than the last but he has to take a break when he reaches a text you sent last January: i had so much fun tonight, hee, idk how to thank u enough :((( i hope ur not in too much trouble.. i love you i love you and iā€™ll love you forever !!!
He ended up getting grounded for three weeks and lost car privileges for months after staying out four hours past curfew, but heā€™d do it a million times over if it meant heā€™d get to see you as happy as you were that night on the two-hour drive back, running your fingertips over the Sharpie autograph of your favourite author on the bookā€™s front pageā€”ā€œHeeseung?ā€Ā 
His jaw falls slack and his whole body stiffens. If you donā€™t count old videos in his camera roll, Heeseung hasnā€™t heard your voice in over a year. The back door slides shut and when he finally lifts his head, he wants to throw up. Even without the glow of the kitchen lights on your face, heā€™d still be able to make out the cute point of your nose, and the slight curve of your soft lips. Unfortunately, the breakup only seems to have made you even more beautiful and he hates himself for wishing you were having a hard time too.Ā 
ā€œHey,ā€ you say. ā€œCan I sit?ā€Ā 
Regaining his mobility, he moves his shoulders in a stiff shrug. The sound of your chair scraping the concrete makes him cringe and he hates that you chose the seat closest to him.Ā 
ā€œI didnā€™t think youā€™d be here tonight.ā€Ā 
Heeseung scoffs, his brows furrowing defensively. ā€œYou didnā€™t think Iā€™d be at my friendā€™s party?ā€Ā 
You set your jaw. ā€œOkay.ā€Ā 
An unbearable silence follows, so heavy he can feel it sitting on his shoulders, weighing him down. Thereā€™s no way to know how much time has passed but he feels less tense when you start to hum, drumming your fingers against the table to the beat of whatever song the kitchen door is struggling to muffle. If he doesnā€™t think too hard about the lingering quiet, it feels like everything is okay between you two.Ā 
His heart races when you giggle. ā€œYou still do that?ā€Ā 
ā€œDo what?ā€Ā 
You smile before mirroring his expression, puffing up your cheeks and exhaling dramatically a few times. Due to the heat, nothing comes of it but you laugh anyway. ā€œYou always liked when it was cold enough out to see your breath. I remember having to nudge you every night of summer to get you to stop.ā€
To Heeseung, thereā€™s something sinister about the fact that you can so easily bring up a memory you share with him. About the fact that even after what happened, his cheeks heat up just from seeing you grin. He deflates, unable to look at you, finding interest in the label on his bottle instead. Itā€™s slightly curled up at its edge, and he runs his thumb over it a few times before peeling it off completelyā€”with some struggle, leaving a sticky patch in its wake. Under your loaded stare, he folds it a little to make a square before trying to craft a swan or a crane (you were the one who knew these things) from the sticker.Ā 
Your hands are just as soft as he remembers when your fingers touch his, though it shocks him so much he drops the label, immediately withdrawing his hands and, for lack of a better option, sitting on them. Even softer than your hands is your voice when you say, ā€œI donā€™t want things to be so tense between us.ā€Ā 
It must be easy, he thinks. For you to say something like that after dumping him. Heeseung wants to laugh, to let his head fall back and cackle from sheer disbelief; you really must have some nerve. Instead, a bitterness, raging and sour, works in his chest, choking the laughter into silence. It pushes his lips into a scowl as he lifts his head to look at you. Youā€™re shivering with your arms crossed over your chest and Heeseung softens. Without thinking, he shrugs off his flannel to drape it over your shoulders, almost regretting it when he fixes his tongue to scold you playfully like he used to. Still too hot for a jacket, right, baby? he wants to say. This is the last time Iā€™m doing this for you, next time youā€™re on your own. Heeseung figures that somewhere, in another reality where youā€™re still together, a version of him says these things but continues to give you his flannels and jackets anyway.
Heā€™d give anything to be that Heeseung instead.Ā 
Over the last year, heā€™s been replacing the clothes in his wardrobe. He noticed that during your time together you steadily wore every t-shirt, flannel, and hoodie he owned. Now, as you thank him with a sincere smile, he realises heā€™ll have to donate his new favourite shirt too.Ā 
ā€œWhatā€™s in your pocket?ā€ you ask, reaching in to find out. A bleak carton of cigarettes sits full in your hands as you look over at him with wide eyes. ā€œYou smoke now?ā€Ā 
ā€œNo.ā€ Heeseung shakes his head. ā€œNever.ā€Ā 
Back and forth between your hands, the box and its contents rustle. ā€œReally? Because thisā€”ā€ You pause to pull a lighter from the same pocket. ā€œā€”and this tell me something different.ā€
ā€œSunghoonā€™s quitting again,ā€ he explains, with air quotes around the word quitting.Ā 
ā€œOh.ā€ You let out a laugh, nodding fondly. ā€œHeā€™s on, like, five weeks or something by now, though, right? Surely you donā€™t still need to carry these around for him.ā€
His head tilts so quickly he hurts his neck. With knitted brows, he inspects you. Nothing about your expression seems like youā€™re trying to hurt him, in truth, you look like youā€™re being quite sincere; your eyes are wide, curious, and your lips are quirked up at the corners with an amusement he adores. ā€œSix,ā€ he corrects. ā€œHow do you know?ā€Ā 
ā€œHe told me.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou guys still talk?ā€Ā 
A shoulder-dropping sigh falls from your mouth as you put the cigarettes and lighter back in his pocket, raking a hand through your hair. ā€œYouā€™re the only one who doesnā€™t talk to me anymore,ā€ you say in a small voice.Ā 
The five of you stuck together in high school ā€” where he and Jay first met you, Jake, and Sunghoon ā€” and he knew it would be unreasonable for him to expect your shared friends, especially the youngest two whom youā€™d known longer, to turn on you. He also figured, given how close youā€™d grown to Jay, and his undying rationality, that his best friend would outright refuse to shun you on Heeseungā€™s behalf. Even though they didnā€™t need his permission, he told them that he didnā€™t want them to feel like they had to pick sides and that he was perfectly happy for them to keep talking to you. On one condition: that none of them tell him anything about you or your life without him unless youā€™re hurtā€”a condition theyā€™ve clearly carried out more faithfully than Heeseung expected them to.Ā 
Bile rises in his throat thinking about all the things your friends have kept from him about your year away. His heart twists over mundane details like your class schedules and favourite things to eat for lunch, and his eyes sting with tears over the important stuff like new friends and, worst of all, new partners.Ā 
Heeseung jolts out of his chair, knocking the table so hard with his thighs that his bottle tips over. Youā€™re quick to catch it. ā€œMy mumā€™s calling,ā€ he blurts out, overwhelmed.Ā 
ā€œHeeseung.ā€Ā 
ā€œI really have to go.ā€Ā 
ā€œHeeseung!ā€ you call out, but heā€™s already back inside.Ā 
You donā€™t follow him.Ā 
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But that was in June, and now itā€™s September.Ā 
While his friends complain about the chill of autumn, Heeseungā€™s just happy he can comfortably wear hoodies everywhere again. In a cool lecture hall, home to his Ethics and Responsibility class for the next few months, he relishes the feeling of soft cotton against his ears as he copies the course reading list into the first page of his notebook.Ā 
ā€œIs someone sitting here?ā€Ā 
Heeseungā€™s stomach sinks to the floor. Reluctantly, he lifts his head, and through the gaps in his bangs, he sees you and the way your face falls when you see him, instantly looking around the room.Ā 
ā€œOh,ā€ you say, eyes blown. ā€œIā€™m sorry, Iā€™ll just..ā€ you trail off.
He scans the room, chewing his lip when he realises that, despite the lecturer not having arrived yet, the seat to his left, with his backpack on it, is the only empty one. ā€œItā€™s okay,ā€ he says, trying to seem nonchalant as he takes his bag from the chair and puts it on the floor.Ā 
ā€œThanks,ā€ you mumble, frowning a little as you sit down.Ā 
In the light of day, he really sees you and a lone butterfly, one he was sure had died with the rest last year, flutters lazily in his stomachā€”wings buzzing against the lining, tickling him. Even with messy hair and tired bags under your eyes, youā€™re just as beautiful as the first time he saw you. Itā€™s unfair, he thinks. That you could be dealing with this and still manage to look presentable. Jealousy kills the butterfly, stirring a pit in his belly at the thought that you were able to break up with him and continue with life as normal on the other end of the country, making new friends and new memories as if nothing happened.Ā 
Even when Dr. Kim comes in and starts the class, Heeseung canā€™t take his eyes off of you. You havenā€™t lost any of your mannerisms, he notices when you stick your tongue out a little while typing notes as the lecturer says them, barely looking up from your laptop to see the slides.Ā 
At the end of the lecture, all he has to show for it is the reading list and a couple of bullet points that seemed important as he copied them from your screen. Side by side, you silently walk down the stairs to leave the room, and the sight of Sunghoon through the doorway pulls a relieved sigh from Heeseungā€™s chest.Ā 
Sunghoonā€™s brows raise seeing you together and he clears his throat when youā€™re close enough. ā€œHey, you two! My little study buddies,ā€ he says in a strained voice. ā€œFirst day back! First day for you, YN, what was that like?ā€ He sounds like heā€™s reading from a script as he walks between you.Ā 
Heeseung lets you answer, listening to your voice as he walks behind you down the stairs. He wonders if things will be this way forever, briefly contemplating throwing himself over the bannister so he doesnā€™t have to find out. If youā€™re uncomfortable, you donā€™t show it, talking excitedly with Sunghoon about the class, mentioning things Heeseung hadnā€™t even heard, despite having sat through the same hour-long introduction lecture as you. He trails behind the two of you all the way to the library, where Jay is sleeping with his chin on his arms and Jake is staring at the table of contents in his textbook. You cut yourself off, jogging over to the table theyā€™re sitting at to wake Jay. As soon as you wrap your arms around him, he flinches, waking up with his brows pulled together.Ā 
ā€œWhat are you doing?ā€ Jay mumbles, trying to shake you off.Ā 
As Heeseung sits beside Jake, he skims over the front page of the textbook, trying to remember what tensile strength means. Sunghoon stands at the end of the table looking at his phone, and you sit next to Jay, pulling your seat a little closer and letting him rest his head on your shoulder. Heeseung looks away, trying to bury the unease building in his stomach.Ā 
Sunghoon breaks the silence. ā€œCan we go get food?ā€ And suddenly, you all stand up, filing out of the library towards the Tesco Express down the road.Ā 
Jay and Sunghoon take the lead, picking up their lunch without much thought before waiting in line at the self-checkout, while you, Jake, and Heeseung spend an ungodly amount of time weighing up options in front of the meal deals. Heeseung gets the same thing every time but looks at every single sandwich, drink, and snack option just in case before picking up his food.Ā 
ā€œJust cheese is crazy, bro,ā€ Jake says, shaking his head. ā€œWhatā€™s wrong with you?ā€Ā 
Heeseung shrugs. ā€œItā€™s reliable.ā€Ā 
ā€œItā€™s absurd.ā€Ā 
You hum between the two of them, tilting your head thoughtfully. ā€œI donā€™t know, I think itā€™s cute.ā€ Your shoulders rise and fall in a casual shrug, almost as if you havenā€™t just paid Heeseung a compliment for the first time in a year and three months.Ā 
Jakeā€™s eyebrows raise, a grin playing on his lips as he glances between the two of you when you step forward, pulling a just cheese sandwich from the shelf too. ā€œCute,ā€ he repeats. ā€œSure.ā€Ā 
Outside, Jay and Sunghoon are sitting on a half-finished brick wall, and while normally, Heeseung would say something to interrupt Jayā€™s never-ending lecture series on making the most of your meal deal, he doesnā€™t want to draw attention to himself or the small smile heā€™s struggling to keep off his face.Ā 
ā€œHoon, think about it,ā€ he says, resting his giant can of Red Bull on the stepped brick next to him. ā€œA meal deal costs Ā£3. You get a sandwich, a drink, and a snack, all for Ā£3. You, foolishly, bought a sandwich, a snack, and a bottle of water, you gave them money.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, man, anyone who shops anywhere gives money, thatā€™s, like, an entry-level requirement.ā€Ā 
ā€œBut Iā€™m taking money from Tesco, you get it?ā€Ā 
Jake sighs, taking a seat next to Sunghoon. ā€œYouā€™re technically right, but you still paid for your food under a promotion Tesco created. If you really wanted to take from Tesco, you should be stealing your lunch. Also, the sandwich he got was Ā£2.85, and thereā€™s more water in his bottle than Red Bull in your can, so I actually think Hoon got the better offer today.ā€Ā 
Beside Heeseung, you roll your eyes, wrestling with a packet of crisps while juggling everything in your hands. Seeing your struggle, he reaches over, taking hold of your drink and sandwich. ā€œThanks,ā€ you mumble, smiling. You glance towards Jay and Sunghoon, then back at Heeseung. ā€œAre they always like this?ā€Ā 
He nods with a slight frown. A tiny laugh comes through your nose as you nod too.Ā 
During the walk back to campus, as you split your sandwich with Sunghoon, Heeseung has an unsettling realisation. If he wants to get you back, heā€™ll have to start out being your friend. Heā€™s not too sure what that will look like, seeing as the two of you were friends for six weeks ā€” that he spent hopelessly in love with you ā€” before he asked you out. All he knows is he wants to be the one you share your lunch and link arms with unthinkingly. While he assumes that your shared friend group and three out of four classes will naturally lead to friendship, things might go better if he makes an effort.
He doesnā€™t.
Not today at least. The second and last class of the day ends much like the first, with a heading in his notebook, and slowly reviving butterflies in his stomach every time your knee bumps into his under the desk. Again, neither of you says much as you leave the class to go meet Jay in the library. Heā€™s awake this time, grinning at the girl across from him.Ā 
ā€œTheyā€™re so cute!ā€
ā€œTheyā€™re talking.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, in a cute way. Look at the smile on his face,ā€ you say as if anyone could miss Jayā€™s grin or the way it widens when he notices you and Heeseung staring.Ā 
Yunjin immediately looks over, waving before getting out of her seat to come over. She greets Heeseung with a hug before flinging her arms around you, gushing about how itā€™s been so long. Heeseung feels his brow raise when you giggle andĀ  say, ā€œWe hung out two weeks ago.ā€
She loosens her hold on you, looking down into your eyes with a shocked look. ā€œYeah, two weeks too many. What are you doing later?ā€Ā 
It feels like Heeseung skipped a chapter and his stomach hurts when he realises he hasā€”a whole year's worth of the contents of your life. Of course, Jay already introduced Yunjin to you, of course, youā€™re already friends.Ā 
Leaving you with Yunjin in the library, Heeseung and Jay walk back to their flat. They take the long route home, through the winding bike path and over the creaky footbridge by Sunghoonā€™s old apartment. Jay is eerily quiet, only responding in nods and humsā€”this silence means one of two things, heā€™s either too exhausted to speak or heā€™s saving his words to reprimand Heeseung at home.Ā 
Outside their flat, Jay hesitates, gripping the handle tightly before turning to Heeseung. In his eyes is a familiar look, the one he typically wears before telling someone off and Heeseung bites his tongue lest he pisses Jay off even more. A few times, Jay opens his mouth but doesnā€™t speak, exhaling a deep sigh as he rests his head against the door. ā€œI want you to know Iā€™m on your side, sort of,ā€ he says. ā€œIf itā€™s too hard being around YN, we can always hang out together instead, just us.ā€Ā 
Jayā€™s key clicks in the lock and Heeseung watches, shocked. He didnā€™t expect that at all.Ā 
ā€œItā€™s not like itā€™s hard, just weird, you know?ā€ Heeseung runs a hand through his hair, leaving his shoes by the door while Jay locks it before following him into the living room and sinking into the couch. ā€œWe have the same friends, so I canā€™t avoid her, but I donā€™t think I want to.ā€Ā 
ā€œLike I said, we can just hang out on our own if weā€™re on campus.ā€ Jay pauses for a beat, clearly pleased by whatever heā€™s thinking about as a smile spreads on his face. ā€œIt might do you some good being around her though, like, to see why none of us want to date her.ā€Ā 
The offer is generous and Heeseung spends a while considering it. But as Jay said, it probably would be a good thing to hang out with you if he wants to build the friendship he finds himself craving.Ā 
ā€œIt might also do you some good to, you know.. start looking nice again. Itā€™s been a year, dude, and sheā€™s back now, donā€™t you want her seeing what sheā€™s missing out on?ā€Ā 
Heeseung cocks his head to the side, surprised and honestly a little offended. ā€œAre you saying Iā€™m ugly now?ā€Ā 
ā€œNo, Iā€™m saying it probably wouldnā€™t hurt to put some essence in your hair, touch up your roots, and, you know, use deodorant.ā€Ā 
Reflexively, he grabs the pit of his hoodie, bringing it to his nose and sniffing furiously. The only thing he can smell is fresh detergent and he looks at Jay with a frown. ā€œSo you think I should change everything about myself basically.ā€Ā 
ā€œI hate to be the one to say it..ā€ Jay trails off, head falling back in contagious laughter. ā€œSeriously though, if you want her back or, at least, want her to miss you, start putting some effort in.ā€Ā 
Heeseungā€™s eyes are wide as saucers. ā€œShe doesnā€™t miss me?ā€
ā€œYou spent the whole day together, why would she miss you?ā€Ā 
ā€œSo she doesnā€™t.ā€Ā 
ā€œI didnā€™t say that.ā€ Jay shrugs.Ā 
Outside, a cloud moves away from the sun, letting it shine right through the window and into Heeseungā€™s eyes. He squints a little, groaning before bringing his arm over his face to shield himself. Jay laughs and Heeseung flips him off. ā€œYou didnā€™t really say anything.ā€Ā 
ā€œAre you crying?ā€ Jay coos.Ā 
ā€œSure.ā€Ā 
ā€œToo bad, Iā€™m taking a nap. Club later?ā€Ā 
Heeseung grunts in response, considering taking a nap too.Ā 
A dramatic sigh tugs its way from Jayā€™s chest. ā€œLook, itā€™s not my place to say, but she told me a few months ago she was miserable in first year, something about wanting to see some guy she dated in high school.ā€
ā€œYou knew she was coming back?ā€ Heeseung practically jumps in his seat, sitting up straighter. ā€œYou knew Iā€™d see her today and you let me leave the house looking like this?ā€ Itā€™s not like he looks bad in his oversized black hoodie and sweatpants but he might have taken the time to do more than run a hand through his hair this morning if he knew.
Jay holds his hands up defensively. ā€œYou said you didnā€™t want to hear anything about her unless she died. I was just doing what you told me to.ā€Ā 
ā€œI think it goes without saying that that wouldā€™ve been a nice thing to know.ā€
ā€œNoted.ā€ Jay nods. ā€œClub later?ā€
Despite saying no, Heeseung finds himself at the club anyway, having a friendly dance battle with Jay while you hype them up, filming blurry videos with your finger over the camera lens. Jake and Sunghoon came out too but went off to find girls.Ā 
Heeseung spent all of pres and the journey to the club worrying about being drunk around you. Or rather, worrying about being drunk around drunk you. Drunk you who typically gets clingy and oversentimental just looking at a bottle of vodka, or brings up old memories and uses pouty, gloss-coated lips to say things without thinking of the consequences. For better or for worse, you havenā€™t done any of that yet.Ā 
Between knocking back drinks and rivalling the club photographer, you find time to make a look of disgust every time a guy comes near you, immediately shaking your head and pressing yourself against Heeseung before mumbling an apology in his ear each time, even though he tells you itā€™s okay. Your admirers start to dwindle when he dances with you to a song you like, letting you hold his hand and pull him closer, all while wishing heā€™d stayed asleep on the couch.Ā 
Itā€™s only when the fifth guy shows up with a stupid smirk on his face, that Heeseung speaks up. His arm finds your waist and he holds you close as he looks at the stranger. ā€œDude, leave her alone,ā€ he says, angling his shoulder to him in an attempt to shield you. ā€œSheā€™s not interested.ā€ The weight of his words is lost on him until the guy rolls his eyes, shrugging and mumbling whatever as he leaves.Ā 
He saw how uncomfortable you looked after being approached and hated how long it took for you to start enjoying yourself again, so in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. To look after you. But now, as he stands with his hand on your waist, his skin touching yours at the hem of your shirt, heā€™s starting to feel like heā€™s crossed a line. Itā€™s the worst possible time to freeze in place but thereā€™s nothing he can do about it, and Jay staring at him, with wide eyes and a dropped jaw, isnā€™t exactly helping.Ā 
With embarrassment burning his cheeks and neck, Heeseung finally looks down at you. You look almost as shocked as Jay for a split second before letting your hand rest on his chest, smiling. The moment feels endless until you lean up to his ear and Heeseung has to bend down a bit. ā€œThank you, Hee,ā€ you say, still smiling when you pull back.Ā 
All he can do is nod, smiling too.
Over your head, he sees Jay grinning and the heat returns to his cheeks. As if suddenly aware of your position ā€” your hands now resting on his shoulders, chests held together by your grip on each other ā€” the smile falls from your face as you take a huge step back, bumping into Jay while Heeseungā€™s hand slips from your body.Ā 
ā€œLetā€™s get more drinks!ā€ you yell to Jay, slinging an arm over his shoulders to pull him away.Ā 
On his own, Heeseung dances to three whole songs, only stopping when Yoo Jimin wraps her arm around him, holding him in the worldā€™s tightest hug. ā€œLee Heeseung, did I just see you all over a girl?ā€ The interaction takes him by surprise, seeing as he hasnā€™t actually spoken to her since before summer. ā€œLetā€™s go for drinks soon, to say congrats on finally moving on!ā€Ā 
This, of course, is when you and Jay finally return. Jimin notices before he does. ā€œBe good to him,ā€ she yells, smiling, and never letting go of Heeseung. ā€œBad breakup!ā€Ā 
You stand there, holding two drinks so tightly your hands start shaking, causing one to spill over your fingers. A strained smile spreads over your lips as you nod. ā€œRight! Iā€™ll try!ā€Ā 
As quickly as she appears, Jimin vanishes with a smile on her face, pleased with herself. You visibly relax, handing Heeseung his drink and swaying to the music again. Just like at high school parties, you let Jay sling his arm over your shoulders as you dance together. Back then, youā€™d dance with all of your friends while waiting for Heeseung to return, usually with a cup of water for you to drink, but tonight, with Heeseung standing there, it seems like heā€™s as good as dead according to you.Ā 
Itā€™s around 2 a.m. when you and Jay decide youā€™ve had enough, with Jay struggling to keep his eyes open. After failing to locate Sunghoon and easily finding Jake with his cap on backwards and makeup all over his mouth and cheeks, the three of you let him know youā€™re going home.Ā 
As seems to be the unspoken rule amongst your friends, Jay walks between the two of you while trying to convince you both that if you had fun tonight, thereā€™s no reason to regret having gone out. Even if it means youā€™ll be sitting in class holding your eyes open. Heeseung ignores him, conspiring out loud about Sunghoonā€™s whereaboutsā€”getting lost on his way to the restroom or finding an ice rink out back.Ā 
For a while, you entertain him before sighing. ā€œI saw in the chat, he said heā€™s out talking to a girl he saw wearing a band shirtā€”Nirvana.ā€Ā 
The notion is so surprising that Heeseung almost stops in his tracks. Jay voices his shock with a raised brow and an incredulous tone. ā€œHoon listens to Nirvana?ā€Ā 
ā€œNo, but sheā€™s pretty. I had to send him a screenshot of their popular songs on Spotify when one of her friends came over looking for a lighter.ā€Ā 
At Jayā€™s request, you and Heeseung spend the rest of the walk back to your flat trying to name fifteen Nirvana songs. By the time you reach the lift in your building, youā€™ve successfully listed nine and the three of you stand inside while you look for your keys. On your doorstep, you pull Jay into a tight hug, whispering something in his ear that makes him laugh as he pats you on the back and says, ā€œYou probably could.ā€Ā 
Pathetically, Heeseung hopes youā€™ll hug him too. With no hesitation, you do, arms locking around his neck, leaving him with flushed cheeks and a racing heart. ā€œThanks for looking out for me,ā€ you whisper, lingering by his ear before burying your face in the base of his neck.Ā 
Heeseung holds his breath, counting to twelve before you lean away from him, your arms in place as you look up into his eyes. ā€œIā€™m always going to look out for you,ā€ he manages to say. He can already hear Jay teasing him about it when theyā€™re alone, but the smile on your face is worth it.Ā 
In your doorway, you wave goodbye and they wait outside until they hear your lock clicking before heading home, where Jay doesnā€™t tease Heeseung at all.Ā 
Turns out, getting home at 3 a.m. when he has a class at 10 oā€™clock doesnā€™t fit in amongst any of his better ideas, but still, he gets out of bed and gets ready, heeding Jayā€™s advice and scheduling a hair appointment on his way to class.Ā 
As soon as he sits down, he gets a text from Jay: thinking of getting smth pierced later, come with?Ā 
Heeseung: what is smth.
Jay: cartilage probs
Heeseung: im getting my roots done at 5
Jay: okayyyyyyy good shit man !!! tmrw?Ā 
Heeseung: šŸ‘šŸ‘šŸ‘
It shouldnā€™t surprise Heeseung that you look good, but the sight of you walking through the door in your zip-up hoodie and jeans almost knocks the wind out of him. Youā€™re holding your notebook to your chest, stopping in the middle of the stairs and sighing when the white strap of your tote bag slips from your shoulder to the crook of your elbow. You apologise to the people behind you before rushing up the stairs to Heeseungā€™s row, putting your things down and slumping into the seat beside him. The room suddenly feels warmer when you take off your hoodie and next to you and your bare arms, his heart starts to race.
ā€œDo you have, like, an interview or something?ā€ you ask, doodling in the margin of your notebook, filling the space with pretty butterflies that make his heart race.
Heeseung, who hasnā€™t looked for a job in two years, panics. ā€œNo?ā€Ā 
ā€œOh.ā€ You nod slowly, looking away from him. ā€œA date? Maybe?ā€ Thereā€™s something in your voice that makes him want to say yes and see your reaction, but the look on your face makes his stomach turn.Ā 
ā€œNo, neā€”just no.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou can tell me if youā€™re going on a date.ā€
ā€œWhy would I go on a date?ā€Ā 
You shrug, gesturing to his outfit. Heeseung looks down at himself and the cream-coloured cardigan heā€™s wearing. ā€œYou just look nice, thatā€™s all,ā€ you mumble after a while. Suddenly, Jayā€™s Prada loafers squeezing his toes doesnā€™t seem so bad and Heeseung sits through the whole lecture with a smile on his face.Ā 
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The leaves yellowed on October first, and unfortunately for Heeseung, the last two weeks didnā€™t play out how he hoped they would. Of course, he knew that you flinging your arms around him and confessing your love was probably a far stretch. But this is torture. You only talk to him when the rest of the boys are around, and even then, you only say things like, what time does class start? and do you have a pen I can borrow?Ā 
His nice outfits donā€™t let up, but his hair is so long these days that you donā€™t take any notice of the throbbing hole through his cartilage that Jay somehow convinced him to get. Or so Heeseung tells himself because his ears stick out as far as his shoulders.Ā 
Today marks the first time heā€™s sat in the library during the day for more than ten minutes, and itā€™s surprisingly busy. Most of his library trips take place in the early hours of the morning, playing his way through the Papaā€™s Gameria franchise on the computer next to Jake, who spends several minutes at a time staring at his fancy engineering software before clicking the mouse and staring again. So seeing the steady flow of students come in and out, setting up camp at their tables with headphones and thick binders, while groups of friends whisper amongst themselves, leaning back in their seats and gasping every now and then feels like a culture shock.
Thereā€™s about an hour until your class finishes, and heā€™s been sitting here for two hours already since his Music and Identity class ended, wondering if heā€™s making a mistake by waiting for you. Especially because he knows youā€™re not expecting him to. Heā€™s at a table right by the libraryā€™s entrance, so youā€™ll see him on the way out and it can feel like a chance encounter. Uncharacteristically, heā€™s used this time quite wisely, deciding to go through the reading he was given on the role music plays in maintaining cultural identity among diaspora communities and making notes in the margins of his handout until your class is done.Ā 
Impatience starts to settle in after thirty minutes so he texts you to see to ask if your class is over yet. Immediately, your response lights up his screen: yeah about an hour ago but i stayed home lmao whatā€™s up :)Ā 
Staring down at the message, he sighs, thumbs hovering over the keyboard as he tries to come up with something to say. This goes on for a while until he realises what heā€™s doing and his heart clenches. How did you go from spending every waking moment texting each other to clutching at straws for a valid reason to talk?Ā 
At the very least, the smiley face you sent is doing wonders for his declining mood.Ā 
Heeseung settles on, ā€œi just left office hours and wanted to know if anyone was still around haha,ā€ before hiding his face with his hands.Ā 
oh nooooooo :( sorry dude, you reply. howā€™d it go?Ā 
In the six years he spent by your side, heā€™s never known you to use the word dudeā€”at least not with him. By the looks of things, it seems like your time away was spent studying Jakeā€™s texting patterns or a secret other thing that makes his head hurt when he thinks about it.Ā 
Sighing, Heeseung types back: good! had a couple questions after sem but it went well!Ā 
You react to the message with a heart but donā€™t reply. He doesnā€™t have enough time to think about what that might mean because Mark approaches the table, clutching the straps of his backpack with a grin on his face that makes Heeseung feel at ease, like a wide-eyed first year riddled with anxious excitement.Ā 
ā€œYou look good, man. You going somewhere nice later?ā€ Mark asks, dapping him up.Ā 
Heeseung shakes his head. ā€œJust home.ā€Ā 
ā€œNice.ā€ Mark nods, gasping after a beat. ā€œDid you hear? I made captain!ā€Ā 
ā€œThatā€™s major, dude, congrats! I knew you would.ā€ If anyone deserves to be team captain, itā€™s Mark Lee. He was captain of the basketball team in high school and vetoed his spot to Heeseung when he graduated. Two years later, when Heeseung came to college, Mark had been enthusiastic about him joining the team too.Ā 
ā€œIā€™ve been thinking that my first official act as captain should be getting you back on the team?ā€ Markā€™s voice tips up at the end, his brows raising hopefully.Ā 
The last time Heeseung was on the home court, he cried with the ball in his hands because he overheard someone in the crowd saying they didnā€™t think he could make the shotā€”they were right. He laughs, shaking his head. ā€œWay too much pressure in uni basketball. Thanks for thinking of me, though.ā€
ā€œIā€™m not giving up on you,ā€ Mark says, crossing his arms over his chest. ā€œOh, I hear your birthdayā€™s coming up, can I host?ā€Ā 
ā€œHost what?ā€Ā 
Markā€™s hands clap soundlessly as he laughs. ā€œA party, obviously! Twentyā€™s a big one! Iā€™ll text you the deets, alright?ā€ he asks, though it doesnā€™t sound like Heeseung has a choice because Markā€™s already walking away, still laughing to himself.
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In Heeseungā€™s eyes, thereā€™s nothing better than knocking back (more than) a few bottles of soju with friends and singing your heart out in the four walls of a karaoke room. Worried about killing the mood, he enjoys from a distance, staying glued to the booth, ad-libbing for the boys and polishing off their drinks as discreetly as he can. The table is adorned with a collection of empty bottles and buckets of feasted-upon fried chicken that still envelop the room in a mouth-watering aroma, while a green strobe light pierces the air as Jake and Sunghoon wrap up their cover of Party Rock Anthem.Ā 
By the time Jay manages to convince Heeseung to sing something, heā€™s four bottles in and searching for the most heart-wrenching ballad he can find. Sofa by Crush has always been his favourite karaoke song. Even when it first came out and he was in a happy relationship; even at home, alone in the kitchen, using a broom handle as a makeshift microphone, singing until his voice went hoarse and tears stained his shirt.Ā 
It feels like fate when the songā€™s title flashes across the screen in big bold letters and he knows thereā€™s no real way to ignore destiny, so he chooses it and stands up from his seat. Weighed down by alcohol and an aching heart, he stumbles to the front of the room to stand with his back to his friends. Clutching the mic until his knuckles turn white, he takes a deep breath, letting the intro wash over him before singing. He gets through the first half of the song before practically caving in on himself, too moved by the lyrics to stay on two feet. To Heeseungā€™s credit, heā€™s always had a beautiful voice, so heā€™s not exactly tanking in that respect, but if he was even a tiny bit more cognisant, heā€™d scrape himself up from his knees and finish the rest of the song in the same light-hearted way everyone else had.
The lights shift through red and blue, casting a pretty glow over the dim space and streaking purples and pinks all over the wallsā€”aesthetically, the room is as moody as Heeseung feels. If he had eyes on the back of his head (or picked himself and his dignity from the floor) he might notice the way everyone else in the room is struck by his sadness, with all three boys sitting in solemn silence as a drunk Jay records the whole thing.Ā 
Tired of watching his friend fall apart, Sunghoon gets up from his seat, muttering dick at Jay for filming before taking the phone from his hands and cutting off the recording. He lifts Heeseung at the armpits like a baby and takes the mic. Clearing his throat, Sunghoon half-heartedly finishes the rest of the song while Heeseung cries into his shoulder. Their duet scores them 63 points and Jay spends the next few minutes texting. Heeseung appreciates Sunghoonā€™s efforts, crying more as his emotions oscillate from love for his friend to yearning for you, all while Jake attempts to lift the mood with a genuinely moving performance of Highway to Hell. From the way heā€™s air-drumming and bouncing his leg to the song, anyone could tell that Sunghoon is desperate to join in, but holding back for Heeseungā€™s sake. With a hiccup, Heeseung wipes his tears with his sleeve and throws himself out to the front, accompanying Jake with an air guitar. Itā€™s only during the start of the second verse that Jay and Sunghoon join in, and a full-fledged rock band moment falls upon them as if gifted from heaven.Ā 
After another hour of singing and drinking, Heeseung and Jay race up their apartment buildingā€™s stairs. Panting heavily, with his heart beating in his throat, Heeseungā€™s knees ache when he reaches the top ā€” though caught up in catching his breath and the sight of you sleeping against the doorframe ā€” he canā€™t even celebrate his win.Ā 
ā€œHuh,ā€ Jay says when he joins him. ā€œHowā€™d she get here?ā€Ā 
Heeseung can only shrug in response.Ā 
Suddenly self-conscious in your presence, he stands up straighter, pushing some of his hair off his forehead. Jay moves from behind him, approaching you, but Heeseungā€™s too hung up on the way you hold your jacket tight around your body to do the same. He wants to thoughā€”wants to help you out, pick you up and hold you in his arms, kiss your forehead and lovingly scold you for staying out in the cold. But heā€™s not drunk enough to convince himself youā€™ll take that well.Ā 
Instead, he remains glued to the spot, watching Jay wake you up, only mobilising when youā€™re on your feet, stretching your arms above your head. To you, the sliver of skin peeking out where your shirt ends and your jeans begin is a fleeting detail, lost entirely under a veil of just-risen drowsiness. Yet, to Heeseung, itā€™s everything. Itā€™s enough to make him want to beg you for a second chance right then and there. But heā€™s not drunk enough to convince himself youā€™ll take that well either.Ā 
Youā€™re talking with Jay and thereā€™s a crease in your brow when Heeseung reaches you. Your voices were too quiet to make sense of with the distance but now he hears you loud and clear. ā€œYou told me almost two hours ago that you guys were leaving soon,ā€ you sigh, rubbing your neck.Ā 
Jay snorts, missing the keyhole a few times before catching it. ā€œShouldā€™ve just joined in, stupid.ā€Ā 
ā€œIt was boyā€™s night and you made it very clear that I donā€™t count. And when I asked what bar you guys were at, you just said doesnā€™t matter, leaving in ten, and, by the way, none of it was spelt correctly. It felt like you were using code.ā€Ā 
ā€œCaesar Cipher, perhaps?ā€Ā 
ā€œPig Latin, more like,ā€ you scoff, leaning against the wall.Ā 
A mischievous grin spreads over Jayā€™s lips and Heeseung already hates whatever heā€™s about to say. ā€œIxnay on the Eeseunghay.ā€ Yeah, Heeseung hates it. He glances between the two of you, picking up on the smile you canā€™t hide as you roll your eyes.Ā 
Your gaze finds Heeseungā€™s and your lips curl into a frown as you look back at Jay. ā€œOtgay ityay.ā€ You nod firmly.Ā 
From context ā€” and memories of numerous private conversations the two of you used to have in his presence ā€” he figures itā€™s Pig Latin, a linguistic puzzle more intricate than any the English language has ever thrown at him.Ā 
After a beat, you nod towards the open door. ā€œGet inside.ā€
You follow the boys in and lock the door when Jay hands you his keys. He quickly heads to his room, leaving Heeseung shifting his weight from one foot to the other in the living room, staring at you. Save for Jayā€™s bedroom, all of the lights are off. The only light shines through the open blinds, a vivid orange beam coming from a streetlight outside, casting a harsh shadow over the room. The terminator line is starkā€”a clear partition between Heeseung, whoā€™s standing in the shade, and you, who stands in front of the window, backlit by the warm light. Youā€™re glowing. Or, at least, the lighting makes it look like you areā€”outlining all your edges in soft orange.Ā 
Absently, he plays with the zipper on his jacketā€”unsure of whatā€™s going on or why youā€™re here at all. It takes a while, but the words finally escape him. ā€œWhat are you doing here?ā€ Simultaneously, you ask if heā€™s okay.Ā 
Even in the dark, your smile warms the room. For you and Heeseung, speaking in unison like that isnā€™t anything new, so itā€™s not enough to rouse a reaction from himā€”nonetheless, he smiles too. Whether by way of drunk optimism or his own sudden acceptance, Heeseungā€™s starting to feel as though maybe just being by your side, making you smile, might be enough for him.Ā 
ā€œJay texted me, and I wanted to check in and see how youā€™re doing.ā€Ā 
ā€œWhat did he say?ā€Ā 
ā€œThat you were having a hard time.ā€
Heeseung nods slowly.Ā 
ā€œActually, he saidā€”ā€ You pause to check your phone. ā€œā€”Jay said, worried but hyung he is m let down. I think he meant meltdown?ā€Ā 
ā€œHyung,ā€ Heeseung repeats, tilting his head as if the word is foreign to him. A crease runs along his brow, Jay is way drunker than he let on.
ā€œHuh,ā€ you utter, tilting your head too. ā€œI actually thought m let down wouldā€™ve gotten a bigger reaction out of you.ā€Ā 
A moment passes, and then another before Heeseung says, ā€œYou can sit if you want. I donā€™t know if youā€™re going to stay long or anything, but you can always sit here.ā€
You smile and he can hear it, watching you take your coat off before sitting on the couch. Itā€™s a bit of a stretch from where youā€™re sitting but you reach over to turn on the lamp in the corner and Heeseung sits too, as far away as he can. You look comfortable, like youā€™re supposed to be there and the thought warms his heart.
ā€œYou didnā€™t have to come here. Iā€™m happy you did but you didnā€™t have to,ā€ he says after too long.Ā 
A frown tugs your lips down. ā€œOf course, I did. I care about you, Heeseung, you know that.ā€Ā 
Now doesnā€™t seem like the time to argue, so he makes a mental note to mull over this later. ā€œI know,ā€ he lies, his voice nothing more than a mumble as he nods.Ā 
ā€œDid you guys have fun?ā€Ā 
Deciding it best to pretend his Crush cover went well, he nods again, smiling as he thinks about the nice parts of boysā€™ night. With your encouragement, he talks happily for a while about their song choices and the way they all came together in the end. ā€œI feel like weā€™d get on pretty well as an AC/DC tribute act.ā€Ā 
ā€œDo you know what room you were in? Thereā€™s got to be a way for me to pull the security footage and see for myself.ā€Ā 
ā€œI actually think Jimin works there, she might be able to hook you up.ā€
ā€œJimin?ā€ you repeat in a different tone. The shift is so subtle that Heeseung barely picks up on it, never mind placing it or knowing what it might mean. If he were any more delusional, he might think youā€™re jealous, but the curiosity in your voice tells him to get out of his head.Ā 
ā€œYeah, this one girl in the year above,ā€ he explains. ā€œShe transferred to humanities so we had a couple classes together last term.ā€Ā 
ā€œOh, cool.ā€Ā 
He really canā€™t work out your tone and itā€™s disconcerting. Maybe he should talk about Jimin some more. ā€œSheā€™s like mega smart, and really nice too. She was actually at the club that night! The girl I was talking to when you and Jay went to get drinks,ā€ he says, suddenly remembering.Ā 
ā€œGood for Jimin.ā€Ā 
ā€œI think youā€™d like her.ā€ He smiles. ā€œYou know, if youā€™re looking for friends or anything.ā€Ā 
You only nod, pressing your lips together and leaving Heeseung at a complete loss for words. He watches you chewing on the inside of your cheek, playing with the thread bracelet on your wrist. ā€œIā€™ve always loved your voice,ā€ you mumble, looking down.
ā€œI know.. You used to beg me to stay up on the phone singing for you.ā€ Heeseung presses his lips together after speaking, mentally locking them and throwing away the key.
You nod with a smile on your face that makes his stomach flutter. ā€œYouā€™re, like, the best guy ever.ā€Ā 
That makes sense. That Heeseung could be like, the best guy ever but not quite good enough to stay with. He mulls over your words and contemplates setting himself on fire. Standing up from the couch, he goes over to his room. From the doorway, he says, ā€œYou can share Jayā€™s bed, itā€™s too late to go home by yourself.ā€Ā 
Heeseung closes his door with plans to stay inside the whole night, but only manages an hour before he gets sick of the stale taste in his mouth. He leaves quietly, and in the light from outside, he sees you sleeping on the sofa with your hands tucked under your head. His heart sinks. Without much thought, he carries you to his room, tucks you in and runs away before doing something stupid like kissing your head to go and brush his teeth. Unlike you, heā€™s not afraid to wake Jay up, pushing the boy over to make room for himself on his bed, where he lays awake for hours trying to figure out what went wrong with you two until his head starts to hurt.Ā 
In the morning, Heeseung doesnā€™t see you before you leave, but he spends the better part of an hour with his ear pressed against Jayā€™s door, eavesdropping on your conversation. If you werenā€™t talking about him he might feel guilty about this, but you are, so..Ā 
ā€œI just feel bad, you know? I donā€™t know how to fit into his life and I feel like Iā€™m only making things harder for him by being here,ā€ you say. ā€œHarder for everyone.ā€
Heeseung grips the doorframe until his knuckles turn white. Heā€™s spent too much time thinking about how to be your friend without actually trying to be, too caught up in his own feelings to see how heā€™s affecting everyone else. The corners of his lips droop at the thought.Ā 
ā€œWeā€™re happy to have you back, Heeseung too. Heā€™s just.. hurting, you know? Iā€™m not sure if you heard but he kind of got blindsided and dumped by his high school girlfriend,ā€ Jay says.Ā 
You laugh drily and he pictures the way you roll your eyes. ā€œHey, uh, random Q, what do you know about Jimin?ā€Ā 
Jayā€™s quiet for a bit. Or heā€™s whispering. Heeseung presses his entire body to the door as if itā€™ll help. ā€œYoo Jimin?ā€ he asks.Ā 
ā€œProbably. Heeseungā€™s friend.ā€Ā 
ā€œSheā€™s cool,ā€ he answers simply. ā€œYouā€™d like her.ā€Ā 
ā€œSo I keep hearing. Whatā€™s going on with them?ā€Ā 
ā€œNothing really. They met at some party last year, both pretty drunk, and somehow ended up in a random bedroom where she tried hooking up with him.ā€ Jayā€™s words strike Heeseung like a jolt, his heart pounds and his stomach twists. It takes a lot for him and the knot in his stomach not to burst out of the room and clear things up. The main thing stopping him though, is that Jayā€™s telling the truth. ā€œBut he misread the whole thing and ended up detailing your entire relationship for two hours,ā€ Jay adds after a while.Ā 
ā€œAnd now?ā€Ā 
ā€œWhy do you care?ā€ Jayā€™s tone is teasing but the question makes Heeseung spiral.Ā 
His mouth starts to dry up at the thought of you admitting that you donā€™t care, that youā€™re over him and just being nosy. Panic swells in his chest and he jumps away from the door as if itā€™s red hot, scrambling back under the covers of Jayā€™s bed and falling back asleep.Ā 
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In the following two weeks, Heeseung finds himself mastering the art of avoidance. He fills his evenings with pick-up basketball games with Mark on random courts in the neighbourhood and rushes out of class before you have the chance to talk to him. Playing with Mark is fun, but he canā€™t ignore the regret festering within him, a persistent thorn in his side. Fortunately for him, Jay, whether knowingly or not, presents him with a potential turning point. Heā€™s invited you and the boys over for pres before his party, instructing Heeseung to get his shit together and acknowledge your existence.Ā 
On the night before his birthday, the apartment echoes with your voice, yelling at Jake to get off the floor. Sunghoonā€™s cackles only get louder, filling the space. Behind his closed bedroom door, Heeseung catches a panicked glance of himself in the mirror, running a hand through his hair and adjusting his bangs. He lingers in his room as long as he can, trying to put off seeing you.
Jay opens the door without knocking, a lazy grin on his face and a slight sway in his stance that tells Heeseung heā€™s drunk already. ā€œWhat are you doing? Weā€™re waiting.ā€Ā 
ā€œI donā€™t know,ā€ he admits.Ā 
Rolling his eyes, Jay lets out a tired groan. Itā€™s an unspoken scolding that Heeseung heeds immediately, following him into the kitchen, where Jake is messily pouring shots on the counter. He doesnā€™t see you anywhere, but Sunghoon distracts him, cheering and wrapping his arms around himā€”also drunk already. ā€œSheā€™s in Jayā€™s room, Yunjin called,ā€ he says. ā€œOh, yeah, happy almost birthday, man. Twenty is crazy.ā€Ā 
By the looks of things, Sunghoonā€™s on a mission to kill Heeseung. Twenty shots for his twentieth birthday doesnā€™t sound like as much fun as Sunghoon thinks it does, it sounds like a punishment or a death sentence. Heeseung ā€” put off by the smell of vodka ā€” manages four shots before tapping out, deciding that heā€™d quite like to remember tonight and wake up on his birthday without a headache.
Heeseungā€™s eyes widen when you show up in the doorway, a confusing sense of surprise washing over him. Itā€™s not like he didnā€™t know you were here; he heard you earlier. Itā€™s just that your sudden presence catches him off guard. His heart skips a beat and a sudden rush of nerves courses through him. He takes in your appearance, his eyes tracing every inch of you before meeting your eyes. As you run your hand through your hair, you smile at him, so pretty and genuine that he canā€™t help grinning back.
Your dress is beautiful, of courseā€”black satin, he thinks, with pretty pink ribbons tied into perfect bows on the top, and youā€™re the only girl Heeseungā€™s ever wanted in his life.Ā 
A whispered whoa falls from his lips, which seem to rest in an ā€˜oā€™ as he stares at you. Youā€™re looking away from him now, focused on the tequila puddle Jakeā€™s left on the counter, grabbing some paper towels to mop it up. Jay snorts beside him, nudging his ribs hard. ā€œYouā€™ll catch flies, Heeseung. Come onā€”decorum, please.ā€Ā 
Heeseung clears his throat, running a hand through his hair and wiping his palms on his pants, but he doesnā€™t make any moves towards you.Ā 
ā€œDo something,ā€ Jay mumbles.Ā 
He nods in response, repeating do something, over and over in his head until he finally approaches you. ā€œHey,ā€ he says, breathless. His heart hammers in his chest when you look up at him, beaming.Ā 
ā€œHeeseung,ā€ you say. ā€œHappy almost birthday. Howā€™re you feeling?ā€Ā 
Before he has a chance to respond, you wrap your arms around his waist, and like itā€™s the most natural thing in the world, his arms fall around your shoulders, holding you close. Itā€™s perfect. Some combination of your warm scent and alcohol causes the butterflies in his stomach to rage, fluttering so frantically he thinks he might be sick.Ā 
ā€œInsane,ā€ he admits.Ā 
He can hear you laughing, feeling your chuckles against his chest. ā€œYou know, what?ā€ You lean away from him, arms still around his waist, eyes locked on his and a soft smile on your lips. ā€œMe too.ā€Ā 
An odd weakness settles in his knees, a dizzying flutter alighting his entire body as he nods. Over his shoulder, Sunghoon calls for him, chanting, ā€œMore shots! More shots!ā€ For a while, Heeseung ignores him, watching you until he feels his ears heating up at the top.Ā 
ā€œI think I have to go,ā€ he mumbles, eyes locked on your lips. They curl up into a crooked grin, and you use a hand to pat his chest.Ā 
ā€œGood luck.ā€Ā 
Heeseung takes a deep breath when you let go of him, taking shaky steps towards his friend, whoā€™s grinning widely enough to show his fangs. ā€œSorry to interrupt, I think you could use the help though,ā€ Sunghoon says, holding out a shot glass to him.
He shakes his head at the shot, taking it from Sunghoonā€™s hand and placing it down on the table. ā€œI need a minute.ā€Ā 
Sunghoon only shrugs, taking the drink himself, knocking it back with no visible reaction, and Heeseung thinks he must be a monster. ā€œI really think you could fix things tonight,ā€ he says afterwards, pouring another.Ā 
Instead of taking this in stride, Heeseung decides to pretend you donā€™t exist after hugging youā€”itā€™ll be easier that way. To him, this looks like staring at you in your pretty dress and snapping his neck in the opposite direction when you look over at him.Ā 
To appease Sunghoon, he takes another three shots and has to sit down, overwhelmed by the way his cheeks burn and how the kitchen starts to tilt around him. His mouth is oddly dry; a sensation that has nothing to do with you or the way you look in your dress. This time when you catch him staring, he smiles.Ā 
Even in his beyond-tipsy state, Jay manages to ensure everyone leaves the flat before requesting an Uber. Heeseung finds himself sitting cross-legged on the pavement, for some reason, scrolling through his camera roll.Ā 
ā€œCarā€™s here, get up,ā€ Jay eventually mumbles, nudging his back with the tip of his shoe.
With some stumbling, Heeseung stands up, dusts off his pants and heads to the car. Jay holds the door open for you, and as you slide across the backseat, your dress rides up. Heeseung screws his eyes shut, shaking his head to clear his thoughts, like resetting an etch-a-sketch. Jayā€™s hand claps his back as he instructs him to get in, which he does. Hesitantly, he slides into the middle seat, glancing to his right to see whoā€™ll be joining you.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™ll thank me later!ā€ Jay calls out, closing the door.Ā 
Before he even has a chance to shift over, your hand lands firmly on his knee, silently urging him to stay put. With a pounding heart, he complies. The back of his hand brushes against your thigh as he fastens his seatbelt, and the feeling of your soft skin against his leaves him breathless. He feels afloat when the car starts moving. A few minutes pass before you take your hand from his knee, mumbling an apology as you place it on your lap, idly playing with your fingers.
Mark lives about twenty minutes away, leaving Heeseung with something close to sixteen minutes to think of something to say. R&B from the early 2000s rumbles through the speakers in the car, vaguely explicit lyrics alluding to something heā€™s craving fill the space around the two of you, wrapped up in your warm vanilla scent and the fresh peppermint gum youā€™re chewing. To put it simply, thereā€™s not a coherent thought in his head he could express that wouldnā€™t get him into trouble.Ā 
ā€œI didnā€™t know you were on the basketball team,ā€ you say after a while. ā€œWell, I did know, but you know.ā€Ā 
ā€œI donā€™t know,ā€ he admits quietly because he has no idea what youā€™re talking about.Ā 
A beat passes before you speak again. ā€œHow was your day?ā€Ā 
The first thing on his mind is what falls from his lips. ā€œYou look beautiful,ā€ Heeseung blurts out, trying to ignore the tinge of anxiety thatā€™s irritating his stomach. ā€œYour dress is.. Itā€™s really pretty,ā€ he adds, feeling as though he wonā€™t lose anything by putting everything on the table.Ā 
ā€œThanks.ā€ You smile. ā€œYou look beautiful too.ā€Ā 
Heeseungā€™s breath hitches in his throat and he looks down at his outfit in the dark. If Jay hadnā€™t interfered, heā€™d be wearing a hoodie and sweatpants right now, but heā€™s happy with the simple striped shirt and loose pants Jay suggested, even if it leaves him a little chilly. ā€œItā€™s, uh, itā€™s actually my birthday party tonight,ā€ he supplies uselessly.
You laugh, and itā€™s the best sound heā€™s ever heard. ā€œI kind of just meant in general.ā€Ā 
ā€œMe too.ā€Ā 
The car falls silent as he lets his head fall into the space between the headrests and closes his eyes. When you reach Markā€™s house, he opens them and finds you staring with a smile. ā€œI thought you fell asleep,ā€ you say.
He shakes his head, sliding over the backseat and opening the door. He didnā€™t expect you to leave from the same side as him, but he likes the heat on his cheeks as he closes the door for you. Wordlessly, the two of you go through the gate and join Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon who are sitting cross-legged on the porch, giggling around a shared joint. He has no idea how they arrived before you did.Ā 
Heeseung isnā€™t sure how he loses you guys but itā€™s not until his third round of beer pong that he actually notices. Lee Jeno and his red eyes are a poor shot, barely managing to throw the ball without hitting Heeseungā€™s chest or dropping it before he gets to aim. He almost feels bad for the guy when he sinks another one of his cups, watching Jeno frown before pinching his nostrils shut and taking a big gulp.Ā 
Jayā€™s sudden presence startles him, though heā€™s quick to grin at his best friend. The smile isnā€™t returned. Instead, he leans up to Heeseungā€™s ear, yelling that YNā€™s crying before nudging his way out of the room. His heart sinks and he offers no explanation to Jeno, following Jay upstairs and into the bathroom where he finds you, sitting on the floor, crying into Sunghoonā€™s shirt while Jake watches with a frown, picking at his nails.Ā 
ā€œWhat happened?ā€Ā 
Jake talks with a hushed tone while Sunghoon helps you up before leaving. ā€œShe didnā€™t say anything, she just asked us to go to the bathroom with her and started crying.ā€ He opens his mouth to continue but Jay yanks him out of the room, closing the door.Ā 
ā€œIā€™m not, like, upset or anything,ā€ you say after a while, wiping your eyes with the back of your hands. ā€œI donā€™t know whatā€™s wrong with me. Iā€™m sorry. I really didnā€™t want to ruin tonight for you so I told Jake not to say anything, but obviously, he didnā€™t listen.ā€Ā 
ā€œJake did the right thing telling Jay, none of us want to see you upset.ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™m not upset.ā€ You hit Heeseungā€™s chest with a weak fist, crying more. ā€œWhy does everyone think Iā€™m upset?ā€
ā€œIt might be the tears,ā€ he offers, feeling good about making you smile.Ā 
ā€œYeah, maybe.ā€Ā 
ā€œAre you using a new liner? Mascara? You still look good.ā€Ā 
You take a look in the mirror, resting your hands on the edge of the sink. ā€œYeah, I discovered waterproof makeup in first year.ā€Ā 
ā€œIs it harder to take off?ā€Ā 
ā€œDefinitely, but itā€™s worth it, I think, for nights like this.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, right.ā€ Heeseung nods, watching you carefully as he sits on the edge of the bathtub. Itā€™s like being in high school, seeing you like this. Most of the parties you went to were spent in the bathroom, with Heeseung holding your hair back and trying to calm you down after throwing up. He misses all of it except the vomit. ā€œAre you okay?ā€Ā 
Catching his gaze in the mirror, you nod but look down at your hands when he says your name. ā€œItā€™s just a little harder being back than I thought it would be.ā€Ā 
ā€œOh.ā€Ā 
You sigh, playing with your hair as you sit down next to him. ā€œObviously itā€™s great seeing the guys all the time, seeing you all the time, but everythingā€™s fucked and we act like strangers and itā€™s killing me not being able to just..ā€ you trail off. Heeseung is clearly drunker than he feels because it looks like your eyes are stuck on his lips. After a beat you slide away from him, moving until your back hits the wall. A mixture of frustration and something else colours your face. ā€œI just donā€™t like treating you like a stranger and I donā€™t know how to fix it.ā€ Before he has a chance to think or to say anything you ask him for the time.Ā 
ā€œItā€™s 12:23.ā€Ā 
ā€œHappy birthday!ā€ you say, smiling. ā€œAm I the first to say it?ā€Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re always first.ā€ Even last year, you sent a text at midnight, so Heeseungā€™s not sure why thereā€™s a surprised look in your eyes or why itā€™s making him want to kiss you more than usual. ā€œYou donā€™t have to treat me like a stranger if you donā€™t want to,ā€ he says carefully, trying to get you both back on track.Ā 
ā€œI donā€™t know how Iā€™m supposed to act around you.ā€Ā 
His voice is soft when he says, ā€œHonestly, neither do I.ā€Ā 
ā€œI wish I never left.ā€Ā 
ā€œEverything happens for a reason, I guess.ā€ Despite the small smile on his face, heā€™s still trying to understand what reason you had.Ā 
An exhaled laugh comes from your nose and you nudge him. ā€œWere you secretly trying to get rid of me?ā€Ā 
ā€œYou caught me,ā€ he sighs, holding out his hands in defeat. ā€œI had this whole elaborate plan. I was going to fake my death, but you saved me the trouble. Thanks for that.ā€Ā 
Both of you share a genuine laugh and the tension in the air eases up a bit. Heeseungā€™s eyes meet yours; a brief moment of silence follows. You clear your throat. ā€œIā€™m sorry for leaving. I really wish things couldā€™ve been different.ā€Ā 
It canā€™t be your intention to hurt him by saying that, but you do, leaving Heeseung feeling the full spectrum of his emotions. A pang of hurt, of longingā€”hurting himself even more as he thinks about the could-have-beens. He purses his lips, looking down at his shoes. ā€œMe too.ā€ Sick of the tension, of his feelings, he glances at you, sitting up a little straighter. ā€œHow about we start fresh? Clean slate?ā€Ā 
ā€œClean slate?ā€ you echo, raising an inquisitive brow.Ā 
Heeseung nods, determined, extending his hand for you to shake. ā€œIā€™m Heeseung.ā€
ā€œYN,ā€ you chuckle, taking his hand in yours.Ā 
He holds onto it, a playful grin tugging at his lips. ā€œFunny, you look just like my ex.ā€Ā 
Your eyes widen, amused. ā€œWow, Hee, you always know just what to say.ā€Ā 
The two of you sit quietly for a moment, but Heeseungā€™s just glad youā€™re not crying anymore. He feels lighter now, hopefully you do too. Standing up, he holds out a hand to help you get to your feet which you take, smiling up at him as you straighten out your dress.Ā 
ā€œYou know,ā€ he says, clapping his hands together. ā€œFor a second there, I thought Iā€™d need a manual on how to talk to you again, but I think weā€™re doing pretty well.ā€Ā 
Heeseung feels pleased with himself when you laugh, rolling your eyes and nudging his chest with your hand. ā€œShut up,ā€ you say, light and playful.Ā 
ā€œAre you ready to get back to the guys?ā€Ā 
You smile at him, nodding before quickly turning back to the mirror. ā€œDo I look okay?ā€Ā 
It doesnā€™t make sense to Heeseung that a girl as beautiful as you could ever look just okay. Even with the slight swell to your glassy eyes, youā€™re the most perfect person heā€™s ever seen. But he canā€™t say that. So instead, he pulls a sharp breath through his teeth, tilting his head a bit and raising his hand in a horizontal gesture, his fingers wobbling as if balancing an imaginary scale. AĀ  non-committal sound escapes him, a soft eh before he laughs at the way your jaw drops.Ā 
You punch his arm. ā€œHeeseung!ā€Ā 
ā€œCome on, you know you look great,ā€ he mumbles, looking away to hide the flush in his cheeks. The sound of your lips spreading into a smile makes his stomach flutter as he opens the door to find Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon sitting cross-legged in the hall in front of it.
ā€œBirthday boy!ā€ Jay yells, springing to his feet and flinging his arms around Heeseung.Ā 
ā€œAnd YN!ā€ Jake adds from his seat.Ā 
Heeseung hears you saying thanks to Jake before sitting next to him.Ā 
ā€œSo, did you two kiss and make up or what?ā€ Jayā€™s attempt at whispering is futile and somehow Heeseungā€™s cheeks burn even more as he frees himself from his friendā€™s hold.Ā 
ā€œKiss, no. Make up, yes.ā€Ā 
ā€œPlaying the long game, I like it.ā€ Jay grins, patting Heeseung on the back. ā€œSit down, letā€™s talk.ā€Ā 
Heeseung sits in the space next to Sunghoon, holding his legs awkwardly to his chest. Heā€™s not entirely sure whatā€™s happening and he feels like heā€™s not drunk enough anymore to fully relax into it, until you leave Jakeā€™s side, crawling over to Heeseung and resting your head on his shoulder. In the dim hall, the boys shuffle around but itā€™s too dark to see what theyā€™re doingā€”not that he cares much at this point, letting his head rest on top of yours and closing his eyes. It almost sounds quite pretty when they start singing Happy Birthday, and Jake has a tiny lunchbox cake in his hands when Heeseung opens his eyes. Its purple-frosted TWENT-HEE is disrupted by a half-smoked joint stuck in the centre which the flash on Sunghoonā€™s phone provides a makeshift flame for.Ā 
ā€œMake a wish!ā€ you squeal, clapping your hands.Ā 
It takes three attempts for Heeseung and Sunghoon to coordinate the timing between his exhale and Sunghoon turning the flash off, but the candle is blown out, and, right now. Heeseung has everything heā€™s ever wanted.Ā 
Almost.Ā 
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Heeseung wakes up pressed against the wall with an arm wrapped around his waist. An embarrassing surge of excitement courses through him as he thinks about your conversation and puts his hand over yours. What heā€™s met with is less of the softness heā€™d anticipated, and more of the coarse skin and defined knuckles heā€™s come to recognise as Jakeā€™s hand under the duvet. It only takes a look over his shoulder to make sense of why Heeseungā€™s nose is grazing his bedroom wall. Behind him is Jake, whoā€™s being spooned by you, and behind you is Sunghoon whoā€™s clinging onto your frame for dear life, even in his slumber. Evidently, Jayā€™s had a successful night and with his unwavering loyalty to Yunjin, itā€™s not hard to figure out what happened in the room across the hall.
With his eyes pressed shut, desperate to clutch some more sleep, he hears you mumbling. ā€œPark Sunghoon, if you donā€™t wake up and let go of me, Iā€™ll kill you,ā€ you say with a tone that frightens Heeseung and sets off a flutter in his stomach. The yelp and thud that follow seem to wake Jake up and he crawls over you to get out of bed, stretching his arms out above his head and making no effort to step over Sunghoon on the floor. You roll over in the bed, wrapping an arm around Heeseungā€™s waist and pressing yourself into his side. ā€œHappy birthday,ā€ you say through a yawn before getting up.Ā 
He manages to mumble a thanks, butterflies running wild in his stomach and a flush creeping up his neck as he watches you leave the room, eyes stuck on the way your hips move in last nightā€™s dress. He gets out of bed, sighing, untucking his shirt to cover the tightness in his pants before joining his friends in the kitchen.Ā 
Hungry but unmoving, you and the boys occupy the three seats at the small kitchen table, harping on about the different things as Jake whines, begging you to keep it down.Ā 
Heeseungā€™s first intense emotion as a sober twenty-year-old is betrayal. There are used dishes lying in the sink, plates, mugs, and pans ā€” two of each ā€” staring up at him, wafting the scent of a cooked breakfast, with no leftovers in sight, up to his nostrils. He sighs, wondering if itā€™s his responsibility as host, and eldest friend, to make more food for everyone, or if, as the birthday boy, he should sit around and wait for someone else to take action. Settling on the latter, he sights up on the countertop, sure to keep his back to you so he doesnā€™t have to see the low neckline of your dress.
Finally, Jay comes back, whistling an unfamiliar tune and twirling his keys on his finger when he reaches the kitchen. ā€œHello,ā€ he says simply, leaning against the doorjamb as if he hadnā€™t single-handedly ruined Heeseungā€™s birthday.Ā 
Sunghoon rubs his eyes, looking in Jayā€™s direction. ā€œSo now, if I want a nice breakfast after a night out, do I have to fuck you?ā€Ā 
Jayā€™s cheeks flush as he looks at his feet. ā€œI mean, I planned to cook for you guys when I got back.ā€Ā 
ā€œI donā€™t want your sloppy seconds,ā€ he scoffs, slumping in his chair.Ā 
ā€œI do, Jay. Cook for me,ā€ you say, gesturing toward Jayā€™s general direction making grabby hands at him.
With a gentle smile, he crosses the room and pats your head. ā€œWhat are you in the mood for?ā€
ā€œAnything,ā€ you mumble into his shirt.Ā 
Jay nods, going over to the fridge. He stands in front of it with his hands on his hips, completely still for almost two minutes and Heeseung only approaches him because heā€™s worried about the outside heat getting on all the food through the open door.Ā 
ā€œWhat are you doing?ā€ he asks, uttering his first sentence of the morning.Ā 
Jay clears his throat, scratching the back of his neck as he leans towards Heeseung. ā€œI, uh, finished the eggs, milk, and bacon.ā€ A nervous look covers his face before he continues. ā€œAnd we ate your Hello Kitty pancake mix,ā€ he adds, mumbling like he doesnā€™t want to be heard.Ā 
Unfortunately, he is, and Heeseungā€™s mortified. ā€œMy Hello Kitty pancake mix?!ā€ He takes a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. ā€œYN got that for me, we were supposed to make those together.ā€ His voice is as whiny as his volume will allow, and he struggles not to stomp his feet.Ā 
ā€œOh, you were? Howā€™d that work out?ā€ Jayā€™s words are cutting.Ā 
ā€œOkay, ouch.ā€Ā 
ā€œDude, it was expiring next week. Plus, Yunjin just looked so cute when she saw itā€”I had to.ā€Ā 
ā€œWhat if I wanted to make them this week?ā€Ā 
ā€œYouā€™ve had the box for two years,ā€ Jay reminds him. ā€œThink of Yunjin.ā€Ā 
With a sigh, Heeseung actually does think of Yunjin. Although the girl he envisions is different from the one Jay wants him to imagine.Ā 
They met on the first day of university. She had a guitar strapped to her back, and a huge amp in hand when she approached him. Her eyes were wide with nervousness or excitement; Heeseung couldnā€™t tell which. Immediately, she extended her free hand for him to shake. ā€œYunjin,ā€ she said.Ā 
ā€œNo.ā€ He shook his head while pointing at himself. ā€œHeeseung.ā€ From the way she laughed at his stupid joke, he knew she was the next girl Jay would fall for.
Jay had a habit of falling in love with the first girl to do something nice for him on any given day. And then the next girl. But after hearing Yunjin talk about her gap year, spent learning guitar seriously, Heeseung had a feeling things were going to change for his friend. He was right.Ā 
The memory, along with the satisfaction of having figured those two out from the beginning, brings a warm smile to Heeseungā€™s face. ā€œYou owe me.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, whatever. I owe you,ā€ Jay scoffs, though the slight furrow in his brow suggests genuine remorse. ā€œJust so you know, they werenā€™t special or anything.. just pancakes, you know?ā€Ā 
Heeseung chuckles despite himself. ā€œAre you trying to make me feel better?ā€Ā 
ā€œMaybe a little,ā€ Jay shrugs. To his credit, it works.Ā 
At least until Heeseungā€™s stomach grumbles, a noisy reminder of why theyā€™re standing there in the first place. He also learns the hard way that the fridge starts to beep when you leave it open too long. Jay laughs through his nose, closing the door with his elbow.Ā 
ā€œWhat are we eating?ā€Ā 
Jay seems to think about this for a minute, tilting his head and suggesting McDonaldā€™s.Ā 
If asked, Heeseung probably wouldnā€™t have said he pictured spending the morning of his twentieth birthday squished between Jake and Sunghoon in a sticky booth, but heā€™s here and canā€™t find anything to complain about as he inhales his breakfast. Too caught up in the way his hoodie drapes over you, he listens half-heartedly as you all quiz Jay on his night. It seems like heā€™s being pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing but the dreamy grin on his face is hard to miss.Ā 
Eventually, you all pile back into Jayā€™s car, with Heeseung sitting shotgun as a birthday gift, that he doesnā€™t get to fully enjoy because he falls asleep as soon as the car starts moving. He sinks into the front seat, a contented smile playing on his lips as the warmth of the sun and his full stomach lull him into a peaceful nap.Ā 
At home, he thanks Jay before crawling into bed where he replies to messages before letting his head fall into the pillow.
His eyes donā€™t even close all the way before you come into the room. ā€œCan I nap in here?ā€Ā 
Heeseung nods, watching you get comfortable under his duvet. In a matter of seconds, youā€™re just an armā€™s reach away, softly snoring with your back to him. Meanwhile, he spends four hours laying completely still, trying to convince himself that the heat radiating from your sleeping form doesnā€™t make him miss you more.Ā 
At around 3 p.m. when everyone wakes up, you and the boys hurry away for various mumbled reasons, leaving Heeseung home alone, trying to practise his surprised face for whenever youā€™re all back with cake and a gift.Ā 
You donā€™t return until Heeseungā€™s hair has started to dry after his shower, but you waste no time shuffling around the kitchen before coming back with a pretty cake and real candles with a real flame, singing for him again. With the way Jakeā€™s rushing him, Heeseung canā€™t come up with a wish in time, so blows out the candles with a clear mind.Ā 
ā€œWoo!ā€ Jake cheers, clapping around a wrapped present that he immediately thrusts into Heeseungā€™s hands. ā€œOpen it!ā€Ā 
He barely gets to peel the first piece of tape before he jumps off the couch and kneels down next to him. ā€œItā€™s LEGO! The Infinity Gauntlet, you know? And the best part is..ā€ Jake pauses dramatically. ā€œYou get to put it together with your best friend, Jake! Right now!ā€ His excitement is endearing even though heā€™s ruined the surprise. ā€œThe others can help too, I guess.ā€Ā 
You frown at him. ā€œI paid for the kind lady at the LEGO store to gift wrap that for us.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, and she did great!ā€ Jake grins. ā€œCan I help you open it? Please, Heeseung, please. Youā€™re taking forever.ā€
With a smile, Heeseung hands the box to Jake, letting him open it carefully before Sunghoon joins in, tearing the paper to shreds all while Jay records the whole moment like a proud father. All five of you are sitting on the floor now, covered in wrapping paper while Jake holds the LEGO set up like itā€™s his, blinking hard at the camera with a smile on his face, and itā€™s Heeseungā€™s favourite birthday yet.Ā 
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my girl: who wants to take me on a date?
Heeseung knows he should probably change your contact name but the notification still makes his cheeks burn in a way he thinks he likes.
jake: heeseung probablyĀ 
jake: idk tho
my girl: ok heeseung come to the museum with me for class
sunghoon: next time open with the museum thing holy shit.. i almost fucking volunteered
heeseung: when?
my girl: i would have rejected you hoon
my girl: whenever ur free !
Heeseungā€™s schedule always has a way of clearing up when it comes to you, and he skips pick-up with Mark to pick you up at your door that evening. You answer right when Heeseung knocks, sliding some rings onto your fingers with a smile on your face, saying, ā€œHello.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou..ā€ Heeseung swallows, nodding his head. Heā€™s doing his best not to check you out but he really canā€™t help it when your jeans seem to fit like they were made for you. ā€œHi,ā€ he whispers.Ā 
ā€œHey.ā€Ā 
He clears his throat, finally managing to unstick his gaze from your thighs and gestures in the direction of the stairs. ā€œShall we?ā€Ā 
At the train station, you donā€™t object when Heeseung pays for your ticket, he didnā€™t mean to, his finger just clicked through for two tickets instead of one. Heā€™s happy when you donā€™t make a big deal about it, only smiling and thanking him when he hands you the ticket. He stands close behind you, protective, letting the peak-time commuters nudge past him instead of you as you wait in line for the only working ticket barrier. You go through first and Heeseung quietly follows, trying to keep his eyes off your ass and praying that the rest of the day goes by more comfortably than itā€™s started.Ā 
The train is packed too, so you stand by the doors and, again, Heeseung stands maybe a little closer than necessary, his arm above his head gripping the yellow handrail. ā€œWhy did you want to go to the museum anyway?ā€ he asks, gulping when you look up at him.Ā 
ā€œIā€™ve always liked museums.ā€ You shrug, playing with the buttons on your cardigan.Ā 
ā€œI know, itā€™s just.. You said earlier you wanted to go for one of your classes.ā€Ā 
ā€œRight. Itā€™s a requirement for one of them. Visualising Culture,ā€ you explain, looking him in the eyes. Suddenly nervous, he doesnā€™t trust his voice to speak so he nods, keeping his gaze fixed on yours. ā€œMuseum and Exhibition Studies.ā€Ā 
ā€œCool.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah.ā€ You nod and turn your head from him, looking through the window.Ā 
Your eyes are stuck on the trees outside, blurring into each other, and his eyes are stuck on the side of your face, staring shamelessly for the rest of the journey. A tinny voice announces the name of the station youā€™re approaching, and you nudge Heeseung gently, a silent signal that itā€™s time to leave. Silence seems to follow you out of the station and into the museum, but he tells himself he doesnā€™t mind.Ā 
For the last hour, youā€™ve been looking at artwork without taking note of anything or making comments, all while Heeseung observes you, wondering what youā€™re supposed to be doing for class. ā€œWhatā€™s the point of this trip?ā€ he finally asks.Ā 
Without backing away from the painting, you turn your head to look at him, raising a brow. ā€œWhat do you mean?ā€Ā 
ā€œLike, whatā€™s your task?ā€
You chew on your lip for a bit before looking back at the painting. He canā€™t help but wonder if in all your time away youā€™ve been flexing some sort of elitist muscle, or if itā€™s come about as a result of your fancy exhibition studies class that you had to take a test to be accepted into. Finally, you lean away from the painting and use your phone to take a picture of the blurb before looking at him again.Ā 
ā€œI wanted an excuse to get someone to come to the museum with me and I wanted it to be you.ā€Ā 
Your words are so cute and so honest that his heart warms in his chest, even as he ignores his sadness about the fact you felt like you needed an excuse to hang out. ā€œYou could have just asked me.ā€Ā 
Considering his words, you frown, tilting your head at him. ā€œYou make it sound so easy.ā€Ā 
ā€œIt is easy, or it should be, itā€™s us,ā€ he says unthinkingly. Clearing his throat, he scratches the back of his neck. ā€œI mean, thatā€™s, like, the whole point of having friends, right? To hang out with them?ā€Ā 
ā€œWell.. yes. I just.. I donā€™t know.ā€Ā 
Somehow, this makes perfect sense to Heeseung who only nods his head, moving on from the frame when you do. Itā€™s nice watching you admire the art, to watch the soft smile that develops as your eyes scan the canvas.Ā 
You like looking at the paintings when no one else is, to get up close and try spotting the brush strokes. You like imagining the artist and how they might have felt as they painted, and when the paint is thick, protruding from the canvas, when you can see streaks of yellow peeking through a sludgy green. You have a lot to say about the paintings and how they make you feel, and how they donā€™t make you feel, finding something you like in all of them.
After a while, you grab Heeseungā€™s hand and excitedly pull him through all the Ancient Egypt stuff, and heā€™s too happy that his fingers are locked with yours to worry about his aching feet anymore, and youā€™re so cute with your wide grin that he doesnā€™t have the heart to tell you heā€™d like to sit down. He hates you a little when the two of you take turns writing your names in hieroglyphs, and you somehow manage to maintain your neat handwriting. But you make up for it by writing his name too, drawing a pretty butterfly at the end that makes his heart race.
You start rambling about shabtis and how people were typically buried with a few, depending on their wealth and status, but Tutankhamun was buried with something like four hundred, and some of them were even painted to look like him. ā€œLook at how pretty this one is,ā€Ā  you say, grinning while holding your phone in his face with a picture of one. Your excitement peaks when you reach the big sarcophagus, and you let out a squeal when you open it and three kids run out, bursting into a fit of giggles. Youā€™re excessively cute when you ask him to take a picture of you, and then make him take a video opening the front while you're ā€˜deadā€™ inside it. Which takes a few attempts because youā€™re laughing each time.
You tell him to delete those takes. He doesnā€™t.
Right when heā€™s expecting you to get out, you grab him by the wrist and pull him in with you, closing the front of it before letting go of him. Heeseung is certain heā€™s lived this exact moment before, but he was seventeen and you were giggling like crazy, feeling around in the dark for his shoulders to wrap your arms around before kissing him. He has no idea what heā€™s supposed to do or what you want him to do, and the feeling of your breath fanning his neck in the tight space isnā€™t helping.Ā 
Silent minutes pass by like hours until a kid pulls the sarcophagus open. The light is blinding but Heeseung steps out, relieved, almost thanking the kid for saving him. Youā€™re fiddling with your necklace and struggling to meet his eyes. When you do though, you shoot him an easy grin, laughing to yourself about nothing.Ā 
ā€œDo you want to get something to eat?ā€ Drinks maybe?ā€ you ask after a while, playing with the zipper on your jacket.Ā 
Heeseung takes you to a restaurant where university students heā€™s only seen on Instagram walk around like they own the place. A tired-looking guy comes to take your orders before you even have a chance to take your coat off so Heeseung asks for a minute and the waiter leaves. Thereā€™s something in his demeanour though that makes it seem like you only have one full minute to make up your minds.Ā 
ā€œWhat do you want to drink?ā€ you ask, holding the drinks menu out to him.Ā 
Heeseung closes it, sitting it on the table. ā€œProbably a beer.ā€Ā 
You laugh at this. ā€œYou donā€™t have to act all manly in front of me.ā€ Thereā€™s a soft look in your eyes like you mean it.Ā 
ā€œI actually like beer these days.ā€Ā 
Your brows raise and your jaw drops before you utter the word whoa.Ā 
ā€œWhat?ā€ he asks, suddenly self-conscious.Ā 
You shrug, collecting yourself. ā€œYouā€™re just.. different now.ā€Ā 
The very prospect of being different is shocking to Heeseung who prides himself on being pretty consistent with his behaviour. His brows knit together as he tilts his head. ā€œBecause I like beer?ā€ he asks, scoffing slightly at the mere suggestion.Ā 
ā€œI mean, thatā€™s part of it.ā€ To his dismay, this seems to be the end of your sentence. He gives you a little nod, hoping you read his mind and elaborate like he wants you to. ā€œYou bleached your hair, pierced your cartilage, whatā€™s next? Are you going to tell me you have a tattoo?ā€Ā 
Heeseung feels his breath catch in his throat when you say the word tattoo but you donā€™t seem to notice. ā€œItā€™s been a year,ā€ he points out, folding the corner of his napkin, pressing his thumb against it with enough pressure to leave a defined fold and have it stick up a little when he lets go.Ā 
ā€œI know, itā€™s just.. weird, you know?ā€ Your voice is small when you speak, soft and quiet, barely anything above the noise around you both.
Heeseung nods. He does know.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re weird too.ā€Ā 
ā€œHow?ā€ Thereā€™s a defensive tone to your voice that makes him chuckle.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™ve always been weird.ā€Ā 
A dramatic frown curves your lips and the waiter is back before you can object. Leaning forward slightly, he orders for both of you, the sharing platter of fried chicken, your French Martini, and his controversial draught beer. He doesnā€™t miss the way you raise your brows when he orders the beer, as if youā€™d been waiting to catch him out or something. After the waiter leaves, Heeseung meets your gaze briefly, matching the gentle smile on your lips before looking away.Ā 
The drinks only take a few minutes and you thank the waiter before looking over at Heeseung, a mischievous glint in your eyes as you slide your cocktail over to him. ā€œDo you want to try?ā€Ā 
He nods, lifting the glass and moving the straw out of the way to take a sip from the rim. Nodding his head, he hums in approval, eyes widening. ā€œItā€™s good.ā€Ā 
You lean back in your seat, twirling the straw when he hands the drink back to you. ā€œYeah?ā€ you ask, smiling triumphantly as if you made it yourself. ā€œA normal person wouldā€™ve used the straw.ā€Ā 
Heeseung canā€™t help but roll his eyes, liking the way you laugh. ā€œAre you acting out because I called you weird?ā€Ā 
ā€œA little.ā€Ā 
The waiter places the platter at the centre of the table with a small smile, that you match, clearly hungrier than youā€™d been letting on as you lick your lips at the sight of the chicken. Heeseungā€™s stomach grumbles quietly as the scent hits his nose and he feels like he hasnā€™t eaten in days when a plate lands in front of each of you. A comfortable familiarity settles over him when he lets you pick first, and he knows you feel it too from the sweet smile you give him before eyeing the food. You take a while considering every wing, even though all of the pieces are scarily identical, before picking one and Heeseung follows, choosing with much less care than you, but enjoying it nonetheless.
Under your light-hearted scrutiny, he orders a cocktail the next time the waiter comes around. Itā€™s much better than his beer, and so quickly, one cocktail turns into two until both you and Heeseung are four drinks in, laughing over nothing and putting in an effort not to slur your words together.Ā 
Time seems to pass at the same rate as your drinks, though neither of you seems to notice until you check the time on your phone and your mouth falls into a gasp. Heeseung does the same when you show him your screen, you only have ten minutes to make the fifteen-minute walk back to the station so you can catch the last train.Ā 
He gets up to settle the bill as quickly as humanly possible before you grab him by the hand and book it out of the restaurant. Though breathless, he knows he canā€™t let up, running as fast as his legs will carry him as he tugs you along behind him. Somehow you still have it in you to cackle every time either of you trips up.Ā 
Out of breath, you both slump into the first seats you find, sobering up a little after the run. He looks at you and feels his heart snag in his chest. ā€œYou okay?ā€ he asks, huffing out a breath that pushes his bangs into the air.
ā€œNo,ā€ you whine, pouting and resting your head on Heeseungā€™s shoulder. He lets his head rest on top of yours reaching his hand out to grab your own. He squeezes it gently, in a way he hopes is comforting. You lock your fingers with his before he can pull away and Heeseungā€™s heart starts pounding again.Ā 
He doesnā€™t realise youā€™ve fallen asleep until the train reaches your stop and you donā€™t react. He doesnā€™t want to wake you up, nor does he want to let go of your hand, but he knows he has to. Heeseung nudges you gently, rousing you from your sleep. ā€œLetā€™s go,ā€ he mumbles.Ā 
Stretching your arms above your head, you nod while yawning.Ā 
You take tired steps alongside him on the short walk back to your apartment, not saying anything until you reach your doorstep when you yawn once more, looking up at him. ā€œI actually had fun today, thanks for hanging out with me.ā€Ā 
ā€œActually?ā€ Heeseung raises a brow. ā€œDid you think you wouldnā€™t?ā€Ā 
You shrug, chewing on your lip. ā€œI thought it might be awkward.ā€Ā 
ā€œIt kind of was.ā€Ā 
ā€œMaybe,ā€ you admit with a nod. ā€œIt was a pretty successful first date though.ā€ Your eyes are like saucers as your hand flies up to cover your mouth. ā€œNot in that way. Iā€™m only saying ā€˜dateā€™ because thatā€™s what I said in the chatā€”I wouldā€™ve called it a date if Hoon came with me, you know? I didnā€™t see this as a date if thatā€™s what youā€™re thinking. Because it wasnā€™t. And I didnā€™t.ā€Ā 
ā€œMhm,ā€ Heeseung hums with a sceptical look on his face, finding amusement in watching you scramble to correct yourself. ā€œFirst dates are always awkward, baby, donā€™t worry.ā€ The endearment slips out before he can help it, his heart stopping in his chest until he sees you smiling.Ā 
ā€œWell, yeah, but this wasnā€™t a date, baby.ā€Ā 
ā€œAre you sure? I mean, you made me pay for your train ticket, I paid for dinner and drinks. As far as first dates go, Iā€™ve been a perfect gentleman all night.ā€Ā 
ā€œThat you have.ā€ You nod once, firmly. ā€œIā€™m not going to pay you back or anything. And this is hardly our first date.ā€Ā 
Heeseung grins despite himself. ā€œIs this your way of saying I can bill you for our other dates? Do you have savings?ā€Ā 
Your head falls back in laughter, the sound infectious as it falls from your lips. You sigh softly, straightening up after a beat and nudging his shoulder with your fist. ā€œStop making me laugh or Iā€™ll do something stupid like kiss you.ā€Ā 
His heart races in his chest, caught between your laugh and the thought that maybe that wouldnā€™t be such a bad thing. ā€œI feel like if we pulled up a typical date timeline weā€™d be right on track for that, donā€™t you think?ā€Ā 
ā€œHeeseung,ā€ you mumble, face softening. It doesnā€™t seem like youā€™re finding this funny anymore. Your gaze locks on his lips ā€” a hyper focus that makes him press them together nervously ā€” before snapping up to meet his eyes. You gulp. ā€œGoodnight, thank you for today.ā€Ā 
ā€œAnytime.ā€Ā 
ā€œDonā€™t say that or Iā€™ll take you up on it.ā€Ā 
Heeseung shrugs. ā€œYou say that like Iā€™d have a problem with it.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou wouldnā€™t?ā€Ā 
ā€œNever.ā€Ā 
A small laugh comes through your nose as you smile up at him. ā€œIā€™ll see you, let me know when you get home.ā€Ā 
ā€œGot it.ā€Ā 
Wordlessly, you open the door, crossing the threshold before saying goodnight again. Heeseung says it back, watching you shut the door and waiting for the lock to click before he leaves.Ā 
Heā€™s never drinking with you again.Ā 
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Heeseung feels like heā€™s settling into the role of your friend quite well. So well that he can spend time alone with you without the discomfort he felt in September. Maybe heā€™s taking liberties, bending the word friendship to suit him, but as you lie in his bed together, your head on his chest as you nap, he canā€™t bring himself to care too much. He knows heā€™ll get hurt by this at some point, but for now, heā€™s just happy to play with your hair and try his best to fall asleep too. You donā€™t stir when Jay opens the door, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight before him, tilting his head before closing the door quietly.Ā 
Sleep never reaches him, but he pretends to yawn, rubbing at his eyes when your alarm wakes you up, making a point to stretch his arms over his head and only respond to you in a lazy mumble when you speak. ā€œWhose idea was it to nap between classes, again?ā€
ā€œI think it was yours.ā€
ā€œDamn,ā€™ you mumble, yawning again before laying back down, head returning to his chest as if drawn by a magnet. ā€œI think ten more minutes, fifteen, and then we wake up and go back.ā€Ā 
ā€œOr we could skip?ā€Ā 
The suggestion makes you jolt upright, fully awake now. You let your eyes drag over his face, and maybe Heeseungā€™s being hopeful or straight-up imagining things, but your gaze lingers on his lips for more than a few seconds before you gulp and meet his eyes. ā€œLee Heeseung trying to skip class? I never thought Iā€™d see the day.ā€ A smile spreads over your lips, turning into a laugh as you throw your head back. ā€œThat was funny, Hee. Letā€™s go.ā€™
Heeseungā€™s brows furrow, watching you stretch your arms out in front of you. Was it so hard to believe he would skip class if it meant spending more time with you? His lips settle into a pout. ā€œIā€™m serious.ā€
ā€œNo, youā€™re scaring me. Come on, letā€™s go,ā€ you say, making no attempts to get up.Ā 
To prove a point, Heeseung shifts under the covers, lying on his side with his back to you. ā€œYou go ahead, Iā€™m staying.ā€Ā 
You sigh but donā€™t get out of bed, only lying down next to him and draping an arm over his waist. ā€œTen more minutes.ā€ You press yourself against his back and he feels his heart racing. As quickly as he feels it, you stiffen behind him. ā€œIā€™m not crossing a line, right? Holding you like this? Itā€™s always been easier to sleep if youā€™re next to me,ā€ you say into his shirt.Ā 
Remembering the way you would cuddle into his side during sleepovers, his heart aches, wondering if you had endured the same sleepless nights as him. Heeseung only lifts your arm to turn onto his back, pulling you onto his chest like you had been earlier. ā€œFifteen,ā€ he says.Ā 
Seeing as neither of you bothered to set another alarm, you sleep through class, only waking up when itā€™s dark out and Jay comes back. ā€œI bought dinner, come eat,ā€ he says, leaving the door open on his way out.Ā 
Wordlessly, you both peel yourselves from bed, dragging your feet to the kitchen to wash your hands before joining Jay in the living room. Heeseung sits cross-legged on the floor by the coffee table while you and Jay sit on the couch. Heā€™s not awake enough to fully register your conversation over the rustle of plastic takeout bags and his sudden overwhelming hunger, but youā€™re telling Jay to shut up, mumbling something and he lets out an exaggerated groan, clutching his chest when Heeseung turns around to hand over your food.Ā 
With his elbows on the table, he takes a bite from his burger and has to suppress a moan. Most of your conversation with Jay goes over his head and he doesnā€™t realise how much time has gone by until youā€™re standing at the door pulling on your shoes. Given the way Jayā€™s lying on the couch, Heeseung assumes heā€™s on walking-you-home duty and grabs a jacket before stuffing his feet into Jayā€™s slides.Ā 
The conversation is light as you walk together, Heeseung making sure heā€™s on the edge of the pavement the whole time and letting you talk about your friends. The walk has become so natural now that he only realises youā€™re approaching home when you take out your key to open the door to your building.Ā 
ā€œDo you want to meet before class tomorrow? To go over the slides we missed today?ā€ you ask, with something behind your eyes that Heeseung sleepily interprets as hope.Ā 
He nods, smiling at you and waiting for you to lock the door before he leaves.Ā 
Jayā€™s awake when Heeseung gets back home; he canā€™t say heā€™s surprised. Heeseung only nods at Jay, who sits on the couch, but he knows his flatmate well enough to know thereā€™s a conversation coming because the TV is off and his laptop is shut. Heeseung makes it all the way to his door before Jay says anything. ā€œYouā€™re in way over your head.ā€Ā 
Heeseung sighs, not in the mood. ā€œOkay. Night,ā€ he says, opening the door.Ā 
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By the time November arrives and Jakeā€™s birthday approaches, everything is back to normal again. Turning nineteen, Jake celebrates with a modest pub crawl that spirals into a three-day bender, leaving him bedridden for nearly a week due to dehydration and fear of a test heā€™d forgotten to study for.Ā 
In standard Jake fashion, he manages to bounce back and sits across from Jay at his favourite restaurant only six days after his actual birthday. Considering the state he was in, itā€™s a wonder he can stomach the smell of alcohol, let alone down four cocktails without a pause. Jay and Sunghoon exchange sighs, each supporting one of Jakeā€™s sleeping arms on their shoulders to carry him home.Ā 
ā€œCover the bill and let me know the amount. Iā€™ll transfer you in the morning,ā€ Jay mumbles before they leave.Ā 
You shake your head when Heeseung asks if you want to go home as well. ā€œUnless you want to,ā€ you say, all of your words blending together. ā€œIf you want to go home, we can. I donā€™t want you sitting here bored or anything.ā€Ā 
Heeseung smiles. ā€œIā€™m not bored, we can stay as long as you like.ā€ You seem to take this to heart, nodding and flagging down a waiter to order more drinks. ā€œLetā€™s maybe slow down a little though,ā€ he suggests.Ā 
He pours you a glass of water and makes you drink the whole thing, withholding your alcohol until youā€™ve finished the cold tteokbokki in front of you. Gradually, you become more coherent, wiping your face with your hands and sitting up a little straighter. You thank him when he pours soju for you and take tiny sips from the glass here and there, telling Heeseung about some of the friends you made while you were away. Thereā€™s Yizhuoā€”sweet, funny, and down-to-earth. And Minjeongā€”a quiet girl who needed a while to warm up to new people. You tell him about meeting her for the first time, how unsure she seemed when Yizhuo introduced you two, but by the end of the night, she was falling asleep next to you in bed with her arms and legs tangled around you.Ā 
ā€œDo you miss them?ā€ Itā€™s a stupid question, anyone could tell from the fond smile on your face that you do.Ā 
A beat passes while you think about it before shrugging. ā€œNot as much as I missed being here.ā€ If he wasnā€™t watching you, or looking you straight in the eye, he probably wouldā€™ve missed the longing in your gaze.Ā 
Heā€™s never known you to be subtle after a drink, and Heeseung knows he needs to nip this conversation in the bud before either of you says something you canā€™t take back. ā€œHow are you getting on with your research task?ā€ he asks, while at the same time you say, ā€œIā€™m so happy to be back.ā€Ā 
A short laugh slips out of you, a hand falling to the table before wrapping around your glass. You bring it up to your face but donā€™t drink, only looking down into it as if itā€™ll tell you what to say. ā€œAre you happy Iā€™m back?ā€Ā 
ā€œSure,ā€ Heeseung says noncommittally.Ā 
You sigh, sinking into your seat a little. ā€œI loved you. I still love you,ā€ you mumble. ā€œEven after all that.ā€Ā 
Heā€™s not sure what to make of this, of anything youā€™re saying. Itā€™s not like you had a messy breakup or anything. At least, he wouldnā€™t describe his long-term girlfriend breaking up with him and asking if they could be friends after as messy. Even in heartbreak, Heeseung was a reasonable person, and any reasonable person wouldā€™ve said no. Like he did.Ā 
ā€œI still.. Youā€™re still the one for me.ā€Ā 
His stomach lurches violently. ā€œDonā€™t say that.ā€ He gets out of his seat quicker than he means to and leaves you at the table, tapping his foot as he waits in line by the bar to pay the bill, praying heā€™s right about the two of you sitting at table ten when the cashier asks. With a folded receipt in his pocket and too much to think about, he returns to the table, only putting on his coat and mumbling, ā€œLetā€™s go.ā€Ā 
For some reason, you donā€™t seem to mirror his urgency, only finishing off the drink you had left in one go and sitting for a bit longer. He takes your jacket from the back of your chair and holds it open for you, helping you into it when you finally stand up. ā€œThanks,ā€ you giggle.
Heeseung says nothing.Ā 
The silence and fresh air outside are sobering as he watches an Uber driver through the app, very slowly moving from two minutes away to one before arriving. Maybe if you hadnā€™t said what you said at the table, he might have warmed to the idea of a forty-minute walk alone with you, but you did say those things and even the thought of this fifteen-minute car ride is unbearable when John (4.9 stars) pulls up on the curb outside. You thank Heeseung quietly when he opens the door for you, and against his better judgement, he walks over to the other side of the car and sits in the middle seat like he used to.Ā 
Slow R&B murmurs through the speakers as the driver pulls off while Heeseung hums along. His thigh is pressed against yours but he does his best not to think about it, only chewing his lip when you rest your head on his shoulder. He lets his head rest on top of yours before regretting it.
He doesnā€™t move.Ā 
It feels a little bit like the driver is playing Heeseungā€™s playlist, as every song he knows and loves seems to come on one after the other, steeping him in an odd comfort in the backseat of this car.
Your hand falls onto his knee so clumsily heā€™s sure itā€™s a mistake, so sure youā€™ll move it back into your lap that heā€™s genuinely surprised when you donā€™t. Unsure what to do, he chooses not to acknowledge it, acting like you sitting so close to him, like the feeling that no time has passed, doesnā€™t make his heart clench. Slowly but surely, your hand inches up his thighā€”a motion Heeseung stops as soon as he realises, his hand falling heavily over yours and pushing it back to his knee. He thinks about keeping it there, but when he feels his thumb stroking your skin, he moves his hand immediately. Youā€™ve obviously gotten the wrong idea. For a moment, he wonders if youā€™ve actually gotten the right idea. You have. But it canā€™t happen like this. After a few minutes, you move your hand again, and like before, Heeseung pushes it back, keeping his hand over yours and reminding himself not to move his thumb.
Youā€™re drunk. This will pass.Ā 
Finally, the driver parks outside your building, and Heeseungā€™s sure his ā€œthank you so muchā€ holds the worldā€™s sincerity in it as he unbuckles his seatbelt and practically leaps out of the car. He opens your door and has to undo your belt for you, helping you out and thanking the driver again.Ā 
Thereā€™s a couple leaving the building when the two of you reach the door, and with your arms wrapped around his, he thanks them when they hold it open.
The lift takes forever to come and Heeseung pushes the up button five times before it arrives. He lets the girl in fleecy pyjamas with a takeout bag in her hand go in first before following, pressing the button reading 7 before relaxing a bit. Under the protection of a stranger, he knows you wonā€™t do anything. The journey to your floor feels like hours as the lift drags its way up the shaftā€”why does nothing share his urgency?Ā 
You donā€™t say anything until the elevator door swooshes shut behind you. ā€œI love you, Heeseung. You know I love you.ā€ Youā€™re saying everything heā€™s been wanting you to say for ages, but the words make his words sting.Ā 
ā€œDo you know where your keys are?ā€ he asks, though you still have a ways to go before you reach your door.Ā 
ā€œMy pocket,ā€ you mumble.Ā 
Heeseung finds your keys, unlocks the door and helps you in. As much as he wants to leave, he knows if he does, you wonā€™t take your makeup off or change, so he holds your hair back for you as you brush your teeth and wash your face in the sink quietly.Ā 
In your bedroom, you search through your drawers, pulling out something to wear. He turns his back to you and ends up face-to-face with an old photo of the two of you from school.Ā 
ā€œYou can look, Hee.ā€
Drawn to the picture, he doesnā€™t reply. The boys are in it too, but it feels like you two are the focus. Everyoneā€™s smiling at the camera except Heeseung, who ā€” with his arm around you ā€” stares at the side of your face with a lopsided smile. Happiness radiates from his being, lighting his eyes and face.
ā€œI want you to look.ā€ The softness and desperation in your voice tug his heart.
ā€œCome on baā€”ā€ Heeseung sighs. ā€œJust get dressed, yeah?ā€Ā 
You donā€™t say anything but he can hear the rustle of your clothes as you change.Ā 
Jealousy blooms in his chest, looking at himself three years ago. Happy and full of love for you and your friends, for life. Everything was so easy then. His chest tightens and he has to close his eyes.
Heeseung feels you next to him, hears your jewellery falling into the clay holder on your dresser and opens his eyes, looking at you. Youā€™re in a t-shirt heā€™s sure belongs to Jake and struggling with the clasp on your necklace. He knows you want him to help but he feels like he canā€™t move.
ā€œI know you donā€™t want to hear it, but I really do want to be with you,ā€ you say when you finally get the necklace off. ā€œAnd I know Iā€™m too late, but I didnā€™t break up with you because I didnā€™t want to be with you.ā€Ā 
Youā€™re so close the peppermint on your breath hits him like a wave. A distinct smell of citrus and summer, of Jake, comes from your body, mixed up with the scent of you in a way that makes him uneasy.Ā 
He gets a headache trying to make sense of your words, if it wasnā€™t that you didnā€™t want to be with him, then what was it? Even back then, you didnā€™t elaborate, you just repeated his name and the words: itā€™s not your fault, over and over until they sounded made up. Heeseung canā€™t entertain this conversation, not now. Not when youā€™re drunk and looking up at him with longing in your eyes. ā€œI think we need to get you to bed,ā€ Heeseung mumbles, taking a step back. ā€œIā€™ll get you some water.ā€
ā€œBut Iā€™m here now and we can be together again.ā€
ā€œYou moving was never the problem. You know that wasnā€™t the problem.ā€ A tear slips down your cheek and he softens immediately. ā€œI wanted to go with you, I was going to go with you.ā€Ā 
You wipe your eyes with the back of your hand, frowning. ā€œThis university was your dream. How could I let you give up your scholarship for me?ā€
ā€œYou were my dream,ā€ he admits. ā€œAnd it wasnā€™t your decision to make.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou would have made the wrong one.ā€Ā 
Heeseung scoffs. ā€œDo you think breaking up was the right one?ā€Ā 
Your silence is brutally telling. You squeeze your eyes shut as if trying to magic yourself out of the conversation, but it only makes more tears fall. A realisation hits him like a truck: youā€™re thinking about it. A painful lump forms in his throat. How could you have anything to think about? How was breaking up with him, not the single worst decision youā€™ve ever made? He canā€™t believe you could have let go so easily if you loved him. Long distance wouldnā€™t have been easy, but surely if you loved him, you would have made it work. You would have tried. Heeseung wishes he hadnā€™t asked at all.
ā€œI do,ā€ you say finally, opening your eyes to look at him.
His heart is heavy in his chest. ā€œOkay.ā€
ā€œHeeseung.ā€
ā€œWhat?ā€Ā 
A stomach-churning sob falls out of you. ā€œI donā€™t know.ā€Ā 
Another silence weighs the room down and Heeseung knows what he needs to do. He sighs. ā€œLetā€™s just.. I should go.ā€Ā 
You donā€™t put up a fight, you donā€™t say anything, only letting your shoulders droop before you sigh and lead Heeseung to the front door. He says goodbye as he puts his shoes on and all you do is watch as he leaves your apartment. He waits for you to close the door and lock it before walking away.
Heeseung walks all the way home and only cries when he closes his door, sliding down the back of it like something from a movie. With tears in his eyes, and his knees to his chest, he pulls out his phone to text you. I hope your hangover isnā€™t too bad, he types. Letā€™s only talk when we need to.
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The two of you manage to hold this up, with you finding others to sit with during classes, and no one seeming to question Heeseungā€™s skipping plans or new close friendship with Markā€™s group who he spends time with between classes instead. But as always, things have a funny way of going different to how Heeseung expected them to.Ā 
After three weeks of near radio silence, Jay barges into his room with his face scrunched up. ā€œWhat are you doing?ā€Ā 
ā€œRight now?ā€ Heeseung asks, confused. Standing by the bed with the corner of his duvet in his hand, in nothing but his underwear, he thinks his plans look a little obvious. ā€œIā€™m about to jerk off.ā€
Jay rolls his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. ā€œYou know what I mean.ā€Ā 
ā€œEvidently, I do not.ā€Ā 
ā€œWhy donā€™t you hang out with us anymore?ā€ he asks, squinting at Heeseung.Ā 
ā€œWeā€™re hanging out right now.ā€
ā€œForgive me if I donā€™t count an impromptu circle jerk as hanging out.ā€
ā€œI donā€™t.. want to do that.ā€
Jay clutches his chest. ā€œIā€™m crushed.ā€Ā 
Heeseung studies his expression. Serious, an inch of concern pooling in his eyes. ā€œWe dated for six years, she dumped me, I turned into a shell of myself, but she moved back home and weā€™re all friends again, so I think things are looking up for me.ā€
A deep sigh leaves Jay as he sits on the bed. ā€œWhat happened at the bar with YN three weeks ago when we all left?ā€Ā 
ā€œNothing out of the ordinary.ā€
ā€œWhat exactly counts as ordinary for you two?ā€
Heeseungā€™s still trying to figure that out. He shrugs. ā€œMaking the right decisions.ā€Ā 
ā€œSo youā€™re okay?ā€
ā€œNever better.ā€™
ā€œYou donā€™t have to lie to me, you know?ā€ Thereā€™s a sincere look on Jayā€™s face as he leans back on his hands.
ā€œWhich is why Iā€™m being honest.ā€Ā 
It doesnā€™t seem like Jayā€™s going to let this go, but to Heeseungā€™s surprise, he smiles. ā€œPerfect,ā€ he says, standing up from the bed and walking over to the mirror where he checks himself out. ā€œBecause she and the guys are going to be here in ten. Put some clothes on.ā€
He does just that, pulling some shorts over his hips and a shirt over his head before pulling the two bean bag chairs stacked next to the couch to sit in front of the TV, claiming one of them with his body by sinking into it. The cosy material is soft against his thighs and he wonders why they donā€™t use them more.Ā 
Ten minutes go by like seconds when Jay gets up to answer the door, laughing at something one of you says before leading you all into the living room. Heā€™s watching some show Jay left on, greeting you and the boys with a wave before turning back to the TV. Behind him, the four of you laugh and talk on the couch but Heeesungā€™s too wrapped up in an argument on screen to join in. His attention only falters when he reaches for the open six-pack on the coffee table. Itā€™s barely out of his reach, so he turns around to take a beer, trying to ignore the way his heart sinks in his chest seeing you and Jay cuddled up together. Itā€™s friendly, he knows that. Jayā€™s with Yunjin and youā€™re.. Heā€™s still not sure, but it hurts nonetheless. Youā€™re bickering over a bowl of popcorn and he only laughs when you throw a handful at him.Ā 
The red speaker Sunghoonā€™s holding chimes three times when he turns it on, a Frank Ocean thudding out of it that drowns out the show heā€™s watching, leaving him to follow along with the subtitles instead. But he canā€™t focus.Ā 
Heeseung tries to settle his heartache, comforting himself with the thought of the two of you in another reality. One where itā€™s him instead of Jay. Or one where you come over and sit with him, curling up in his lap, pouting because Jayā€™s being mean. He pictures himself stroking your hair and kissing away your pout, holding you into his chest when Jake and Sunghoon start teasing you. In this reality, however, he watches you peel Jayā€™s shirt from his chest and dump a handful of popcorn in the gap, cackling to yourself at the clear frustration he doesnā€™t verbalise. Heeseung sighs, looking back at the TV and taking a sad sip of his sad beer.Ā 
After a while, you fall into the beanbag next to him, sprawling out over the whole thing and looking at him. ā€œHey, Heeseung.ā€Ā 
ā€œHello.ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™m sorry about that night.ā€ Your voice is quiet, clearly apologetic if the way you donā€™t meet his eyes is anything to go by.
ā€œOkay.ā€ Heeseung nods and a beat passes. ā€œI meant what I said, what I texted you.ā€ It hurts to say but itā€™s for the best. He stands up out of the beanbag, making a show of stretching his arms and legs before sinking into the couch next to Jake. Over Jakeā€™s slouched form, Jay shoots him a look, arching a brow. Heeseung only stages a chuckle, shrugging before looking at the TV again. He canā€™t make sense of anything on the screen.Ā 
Sunghoon emerges from Jayā€™s room with a grin on his face, asking when youā€™re going to eat. In standard fashion, the four of you stand around Jay in the kitchen, bothering him by telling him what to do like heā€™s a child as he puts frozen pizza and some garlic bread in the oven.Ā 
ā€œThe middle oneā€™s the timer,ā€ Jake says, pointing at the knobs above the oven door. ā€œItā€™s there so you can set how long the food needs to cook for, and after you set it, itā€™ll go off so you know itā€™s ready.ā€
ā€œBut itā€™s all up to you and your discretion. You can open the door whenever you want to check on everything,ā€ you coo, patting his shoulder.
If Jayā€™s actually annoyed, nothing about his smile gives it away as he nods with a clenched fist, closing the door and sitting next to Heeseung on the countertop. Heeseungā€™s almost too busy focusing on the way his beer heats his stomach to notice the way you watch him with a small frown from barely an armā€™s length away. Sunghoon picks up on your declining mood and thrusts an open bottle into your hand. ā€œWe like to drink withā€”ā€ Heā€™s cut off by Jay taking the bottle and setting it behind you on the counter, mumbling cut it out, dude, and tugging you out of the kitchen by the arm when he notices the tears in your eyes.Ā 
He hears Jayā€™s door close and nobody says anything until the timer goes off and Jay comes back alone, filling a plate with food and going back to his room.Ā 
ā€œThanks for dinner,ā€ Jake says to the back of Jayā€™s head, offbeat and half smiling as he washes his hands in the sink.Ā 
Sitting at the table, he watches Jake and Sunghoon eat while pretending nothingā€™s wrong.Ā 
At the end of the night, when everyoneā€™s gone home, Heeseung gets into bed, barely managing to pull the duvet up when thereā€™s a knock at his door. ā€œYeah?ā€ he calls out. Jay appears with his arms crossed over his chest. ā€œI donā€™t want to talk about it,ā€ he says quickly.Ā 
Jay regards him with a frown. ā€œI didnā€™t even say anything.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou were going to.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah.ā€ He nods, and Heeseung prepares himself for a lecture. ā€œI was going to say, Iā€™m going home next week, for Christmas, so I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.ā€Ā 
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The holidays go by in a soju and tteokguk-filled blur, with Heeseung choosing to stay at home until the day of his first class of the second semester so he doesnā€™t have to be around you. He tells himself itā€™s for the good of your friend group, as he watches you all make plans in the group chat through notification bubbles, so he doesnā€™t leave a read receipt.Ā 
The commute is more jarring than he realised. What had been a twenty-minute drive turns into an hour-long journey, including a thirty-minute walk to the train station ā€˜nearā€™ house, fifteen minutes on the train into the city centre, and another fifteen minutes on foot to campus. Heā€™s drenched in sweat despite the below-zero temperature and has to make a stop to the bathroom to sort himself out.
He arrives early at least, finding the room where his Ethnography: Theory and Practice 2 class is set to start in fifteen minutes. The only indicator that heā€™s in the right place is the lecturerā€™s name and contact information written in the top corner of a whiteboard, and Heeseung picks the seat furthest from the door. Itā€™s an elective class and, judging by the nine empty chairs next to him, not a very popular one. Heā€™s relieved at least that heā€™ll be able to start off the semester without running into anyone he knows, least of all you. As seats start filling up and the lecturer arrives, heā€™s feeling unusually lucky.Ā 
So, of course, you show up, running a hand through your hair as you walk through the open door, apologising for being late even though there are still two minutes until the class is scheduled to begin. Of course, the only empty seat is the one next to him, which you sit in without looking at him, making an effort to angle your body away from him. Of course, the lecturer assigns a presentation for two weeks time, pairing the class with the person theyā€™re sitting beside. Neither you nor Heeseung say a word to each other, but you raise your hand when prompted to pick a topic to cover. He canā€™t help his irritation at you for making the decision without asking him, but you look so nice in your hoodie with your hair tied up that his annoyance settles before it has a chance to bloom.Ā 
ā€œYN YLN and Heeseung Lee, weā€™ll do music and cultural expression,ā€ you say, picking the topic he wanted to do anyway.Ā 
When class is over, youā€™re quick to get out of your seat, pulling on your jacket and stuffing your laptop back into your bag before leaving so quickly that Heeseung has to leave his stuff behind to go after you. You donā€™t stop walking when he calls out your name, and too scared to make a scene, he overtakes you, leaving you with no option but to stop in front of him.Ā 
ā€œWe should go to the library, get the research and shit out of the way ASAP,ā€ he suggests.
You nod, crossing your arms over your chest.Ā 
ā€œYeah, okay, Iā€™m going to get my stuff.ā€
You follow him back to class, watching from the door as he puts his things in his bag before putting on his jacket. You donā€™t say anything on the walk to the library, when you get there, or when you browse the Cultural Studies section. Heeseung glances at you and youā€™re chewing on your lip, crouching a bit to read the spines of the books on the lower shelves. ā€œAre you alright?ā€ he asks with genuine concern.Ā 
You look up at him, nodding.Ā 
ā€œAre you sure? Because you havenā€™t said anything in an hour.ā€
This makes you straighten up, your brows furrowing in an expression he canā€™t figure out. ā€œSorry, Heeseung,ā€ you say, your voice weak. ā€œIā€™m just trying to figure out if you think I need to talk right now.ā€Ā 
ā€œObviously, a paired project is a situation where we need to talk.ā€Ā 
You sigh, muttering oh, my God, before you look at him. ā€œYou know what, Iā€™m going home. Letā€™s do this tomorrow.ā€Ā 
ā€œWe have class in twenty minutes.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, Iā€™ll read the slides when I get in.ā€
Unsure what to say, he watches you walk away, deciding that he should just go home too.Ā 
At the flat he hasnā€™t seen in five weeks, Heeseung feels slightly out of place, going straight to his room and into bed, not even getting up when he hears Jay coming home. Jay opens the door without knocking, his mouth falling into an excited ā€˜oā€™ shape. ā€œHey, stranger,ā€ he says. ā€œI thought you werenā€™t coming back, so I started advertising your room on Gumtree.ā€Ā 
ā€œAny offers?ā€
ā€œNo one as good as you.ā€ Heeseung doesnā€™t have to look at Jay to know heā€™s smiling. ā€œMove over,ā€ he mumbles, lifting the duvet.Ā 
Lazily, he rolls over in bed, making room for Jay who makes himself comfortable under the covers.Ā 
ā€œWhat are you doing, Heeseung?ā€Ā 
ā€œTrying to sleep.ā€Ā 
ā€œTalk to me, help me understand.ā€ Jay sighs and Heeseungā€™s lips curl into a frown. ā€œYouā€™re my best friend,ā€ Jay says quietly, with a tenderness that strikes him.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re my best friend,ā€ Heeseung repeats like an affirmation.Ā 
ā€œSo why wonā€™t you talk to me?ā€
Thereā€™s a subtle hurt in Jayā€™s voice that upsets Heeseung, who shifts around to lie on his back. ā€œI donā€™t think thereā€™s anything I can tell you that YN hasnā€™t already.ā€Ā 
ā€œShe only told me that she fucked up.ā€
Hearing it from someone elseā€™s mouth makes it sound drastic, especially considering heā€™s the one who left. Again. But heā€™s too bitter to say that out loud so he bites his tongue. ā€œSeems to be the theme in our relationship.ā€ The words taste rotten when he says them.
ā€œJust because youā€™re my best friend doesnā€™t mean you get to be a dick,ā€ Jay says. ā€œWhat happened?ā€Ā 
It takes some time but Heeseung explains everything, letting Jay ask questions and make comments until the end when he looks away, pressing his eyes shut and saying, ā€œOh.ā€Ā 
ā€œOh?ā€
ā€œI donā€™t think I get it. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Why canā€™t you just be together already?ā€
Everything sounds painfully simple when itā€™s put like that. But thereā€™s too much between you both for it to go that way. Itā€™s not like he didnā€™t want to be with you when you confessed, itā€™s that he didnā€™t know how he could without knowing why you left him in the first place. Without knowing what he did that was so terrible you couldnā€™t stand to be in a relationship with him, never mind the same area code.Ā 
A beat passes before Heeseung speaks. ā€œThere was something wrong, and instead of trying to fix it, she just.. gave up. I wouldā€™ve done anything she asked me to. I couldā€™ve changed, couldā€™ve fixed things, but she didnā€™t even tell me.ā€Ā 
ā€œMaybe she didnā€™t feel like she could. I donā€™t think she wanted to hurt you, Heeseung.ā€Ā 
ā€œBut she did.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah,ā€ Jay admits, sympathy lacing the word.Ā 
ā€œHow can I be with her knowing thereā€™s some awful part of me she hates?ā€Ā 
ā€œItā€™s not like that, not really.ā€Ā 
ā€œWhatā€™s it like then?ā€
ā€œIā€™m not sure itā€™s my place to say.ā€Ā 
Heeseung laughs, shaking his head. ā€œDo you keep my secrets as dutifully as you keep hers?ā€Ā 
ā€œAre you kidding? She doesnā€™t even know you have secrets.ā€ Jay sounds exhausted as he speaks, and itā€™s the last sound to come from him until a few minutes pass and Heeseung hears him snoring.Ā 
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You didnā€™t reply when Heeseung texted you asking to meet in the library before class, but you show up anyway, pulling out the seat across from him and dumping your bag on the table. ā€œI donā€™t know if you saw the email, but the partner work is just for the presentation.ā€Ā 
ā€œCool.ā€ he nods, relieved.Ā 
ā€œI think after that, Iā€™ll start hanging out with Yunjin instead, so youā€™re not uncomfortable.ā€Ā 
Heeseung frowns, shaking his head. ā€œIā€™m not uncomfortable around you,ā€ he says. ā€œI just donā€™t.. get you. You dump me and move as far away as you can. Now youā€™re back and what? You love me again?ā€Ā 
You furrow your brows, inspecting him for a moment before you speak. ā€œI donā€™t love you again, Heeseung. Iā€™ve loved you this whole time.ā€Ā 
ā€œSo why didnā€™t you choose me? I just wanted you to choose me.ā€ Heā€™s too anxious to know the truth to worry about how desperate he must sound. Until he notices that the guys sitting at the other end of the tables are watching him, their brows arched sharply in a mixture of shock and curiosity. Heeseung runs a hand over his face, hoping the motion might wipe away the flush burning his cheeks.
ā€œYou wanted me to choose you over my future?ā€Ā 
ā€œI couldā€™ve been your future, part of it. Iā€™d never ask you to choose me over university, you know I wouldnā€™t. Iā€™m saying you couldā€™ve had both.ā€Ā 
ā€œIt wasnā€™t as easy as that.ā€Ā 
ā€œWhy not?ā€Ā 
ā€œHeeseung,ā€ you say like itā€™s an answer.Ā 
ā€œJust tell me why you didnā€™t want me. Thatā€™s all I want to know.ā€Ā 
The following silence makes him consider packing up abruptly and faking an emergency. Heā€™s sure he could probably fake his death if he slumps in his chair slowly enough.Ā 
You sigh heavily, interrupting his train of thoughtā€”now, heā€™s wondering if he even wants to know. ā€œBecause you wouldā€™ve put me first,ā€ you say, avoiding his gaze. ā€œIf I stayed here or moved away, I wouldā€™ve been your top priority and I couldnā€™t let you throw away everything you worked for, for me.ā€Ā 
ā€œI loved you, of course, you were my top priority.ā€ He canā€™t believe he even has to say it, canā€™t believe you might have thought you werenā€™t the single most important thing in his life.Ā 
ā€œHeeseung, you were sacrificing your life for me. You missed your cousinā€™s engagement party to help me study for a history test, you deferred your scholarship entry by a year just so we could go to college at the same time. How could I keep letting you miss out on your life?ā€Ā 
ā€œDeferring my entry wasnā€™t just for you,ā€ he lies. ā€œAnd itā€™s not like I missed the wedding.ā€Ā 
ā€œBut I think you wouldā€™ve if I stubbed my toe.ā€
ā€œWould that be such a bad thing?ā€Ā 
You sigh again, shaking your head. ā€œDo you hear yourself? You canā€™t keep living like that, you canā€™t just throw everything away. Youā€™re such a hard worker, Heeseung, and Iā€™d hate to see you waste that over some girl.ā€Ā 
ā€œBut youā€™re you. You werenā€™t just ā€˜some girlā€™ you were my girl.ā€ He doesnā€™t mean to say it but itā€™s true. ā€œWe were in high school and I was studying constantly; it didnā€™t matter back then. And you were so far away, itā€™s not like I could feasibly drop everything and go to you every time something happened.ā€Ā 
ā€œHeeseung.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou had a choice.ā€Ā 
ā€œHeeseung.ā€Ā 
The way youā€™re saying his name reminds him of your breakupā€”the pink walls of your childhood bedroom and the pictures of the two of you stuck up all over them, in frames on your desk, and stickers on your light switch. How they seemed to close in around him as he put all of his energy into staying on two feet, instead of falling to the floor and begging you on hands and knees to stay with him.Ā 
ā€œWhy didnā€™t you just tell me? Iā€™ve spent the last year and a half wondering what I did wrong, I donā€™t understand why you didnā€™t just tell me.ā€ We couldā€™ve tried, he wants to say. I could have changed and we couldā€™ve tried.Ā 
ā€œI didnā€™t want you to lose that. I felt really lucky that you loved me like that, and I didnā€™t want to rob someone else of it, you know. I thought maybe youā€™d find a balance with someone someday, but I didnā€™t think that person would be me.ā€Ā 
Heeseung has to put in an effort to stop his jaw from dropping. How could there ever be someone else? How could you ever think he could have someone else? Thereā€™s so much he wants to say, to ask, but he can tell by the way you press your lips together that youā€™re done with the conversation.Ā 
ā€œItā€™s not too late.ā€Ā 
You tilt your head at him. ā€œWhat?ā€Ā 
ā€œIn your room that night, you said you were too late,ā€ he explains. ā€œI love you.ā€
ā€œStill?ā€Ā 
His heart shifts uncomfortably in his chest at the tone of your voice and the way your eyebrows shoot up. ā€œAlways,ā€ he says.Ā 
A smile starts to curve your lips, but it slips before it has a chance to bloom, stifled happiness that you cover with your hands, hiding your face completely. ā€œI donā€™t think we should talk about this here.ā€ Your palms muffle the words but not their impact; youā€™re right and he knows it.Ā 
Itā€™s been a yearā€”the longest of his life, and the hard part is already over. He knows now and heā€™ll do anything he can to fix it. ā€œRight.ā€ Heeseung nods but youā€™re not looking at him. Heā€™s going to fix it. For now, though, he says, ā€œWhatā€™s our research topic again?ā€ Despite having had Music and Cultural Expression typed into the search bar since before you arrived.Ā 
With Heeseungā€™s work ethic and your commitment to being the best, the presentation goes quite smoothly. You make no mistakes, and Heeseung, distracted by how pretty you look in professional attire, manages to stumble through the script heā€™d rehearsed. The two of you even win the first place prize ā€” satisfaction that you got a perfect score ā€” and celebrate with coffee afterwards.Ā 
Between the four walls of the campus cafĆ©, you and Heeseung sip lattes that taste like temperature ā€” still too hot to have a real flavour ā€” and laugh with each other about something Jay said when you all hung out last night. Neither of you mentions your conversation from two weeks ago, deciding instead to fall into the patterns of your first term together: napping in his bed after class and coming up with excuses for alone time. He makes an effort to follow through with his commitments, even when you ask him to hang out, to show you that heā€™s different now. If youā€™ve noticed, you havenā€™t said anything about it, but Heeseung tells himself itā€™s a good thing while missing shots on the court with Mark, too hung up on you to focus on anything else. The only thing left is to figure out a way to be yours again and do everything he can to make sure he doesnā€™t lose you.Ā 
Over your shoulder, through the window, the sun slips below the horizon, casting long shadows around the cafĆ©. He takes a deep breath when he looks at you, smiling down at your phone as you take a picture of your half-drunk latte and the milky swirls still peeking through your coffee. A tangible determination settles in his chest as eveningā€™s first stars appear in the sky, he knows one thing for sure: he has to grab the chance to be yours again with both hands, and once itā€™s his, he wonā€™t let go this time.Ā 
The cafĆ© may be clearing out, but his heart is full of hope and for the time being, sitting with you as a friend is.. fine.Ā 
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Youā€™d often imagined what it would be like if you hadnā€™t broken up with Lee Heeseung.Ā 
Most of your first year was spent daydreaming about him in all of your usual hangouts. Sometimes, at drinks with your friends, you envisioned him showing up, a smile on his face as he apologised for being late. Heā€™d slide into the booth next to you, wrap his arm around your shoulders and kiss your cheek. Other times you imagined him showing up to surprise you, sitting on a bench in the quad and grinning when he saw you leaving. Heā€™d run up to you with open arms and a bouquet in his hand, wrapping you in a hug and whispering that he missed you too much to wait another day to see you. You would even fall asleep thinking about FaceTime calls that stayed on overnight or drunken texts after the club, misspelt I love yous and canā€™t wait to see yous filling your text thread.Ā 
You didnā€™t tell your new friends much about him, briefly mentioning a partner youā€™d watched some film with or an artist he liked if they came up, and most nights were spent begging Jay to send you Heeseungā€™s social media posts and tell you every detail of the day they had without you. Based on accounts from Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon, it seemed like he was getting on well, a fact that ā€” while hurtful ā€” pushed you to try and do the same. After a month of avoiding your flatmates, you finally managed to connect with them, going to various social events around campus and rolling your eyes any time a drunk guy complimented you.Ā 
This is why it took you by surprise to see him at Mark Leeā€™s party in the summerā€”sitting alone in the garden, in sweatpants and a flannel, looking at his phone with a deep frown etched over his lips. When you think about it, it feels like so long has passed since then and itā€™s hard to believe it wasnā€™t even a year ago.Ā 
Being back in Heeseungā€™s life has been more challenging than you thought it would be when you filled out your transfer application. Especially in the weeks since you finished your presentation together, since you suggested the library might not have been the right place for the conversation you were having and never followed up on.Ā 
Now doesnā€™t seem like the right time eitherā€”youā€™re sitting on the floor in Jake and Sunghoonā€™s living room with your back against the couch, sharing a blanket with Heeseung. Jay left about an hour ago to go to Yunjinā€™s, leaving the four of you to your own devices. You know you canā€™t bring it up with Jake and Sunghoon around, but youā€™ve had plenty of opportunities to over the last month.Ā 
When you finished your celebratory lattes, Heeseung walked you home. The sky was a perfect inky black, and it was cold enough to see your breath, just the way he liked, so cold he offered you his jacket to wear. He didnā€™t say anything about it, only shrugging it off and setting it gently over your shoulders, shocking you so much that you stopped walking. The scent of his cologne, dark and woody, was overwhelming as you slid your arms into the sleeves, zipping it up and after three paces without you, Heeseung turned his head with wide eyes. You could have said it then, you wanted to say it then, but you bit your tongue and thanked him instead. He smiled, gulping when you closed the gap, you should have kissed him, he was close enough, his lips just a tip-toe and tilted head away, but you hugged him instead.Ā 
After that, the two of you had all the time in the world together. Between your shared classes and going for meals alone. All the time youā€™d spend in his living room together, cosy on the couch when Jay would go to sleep. So many moments to talk, to get back together, but the words would die in your throat every time you thought them. It all seemed too cheesy or not cheesy enough, too dramatic or too casual, you couldnā€™t strike a balance and had no idea how to even find one.Ā 
Last night was probably the most jarring occasion. Yunjin and Chaewon had been trying to convince you to go the club all week but you just werenā€™t in the mood. They seemed happy enough when you suggested hosting presā€”but now you think theyā€™d been hoping youā€™d be so drunk youā€™d just agree to go out. Yunjin brought half a litre of vodka and Chaewon brought a soup flask with enough murky cocktail in it to feed a small family. Together, the three of you drank and gossiped around the small table in your living room, with Chaewonā€™s phone in a glass to amplify her playlist. After taking a whiff of whatever she brought, you and Yunjin decided ā€” for everyoneā€™s wellbeing ā€” to hide her flask and take shots of vodka, finishing off the cider you had left in the fridge.Ā 
ā€œPlease come out,ā€ Yunjin begged. ā€œIā€™ll feel bad leaving you here, all pretty and drunk by yourself.ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™ll feel bad too!ā€ Chaewon added, clasping her hands. ā€œNot bad enough to stay with you, but Iā€™ll probably have less fun.ā€Ā 
You shook your head. ā€œI donā€™t even have an outfit.ā€ The words were like music to their ears and you regretted them as soon as you said them. Both girls grabbed you by the hand, tugging you to your room and flinging open your wardrobe. Yunjin looked for a top and Chaewon for a skirt, though both of them gasped when they saw the dress you wore for Heeseungā€™s birthday. Chaewon pulled it from the rack, holding it out in front of her.Ā 
ā€œWe wonā€™t pay for anything if you wear this,ā€ she squealed before she and Yunjin started chanting: Free booze! Free booze!Ā 
You sighed, thinking of Heeseung and shook your head again. That dress, though beautiful, hadnā€™t been enough for him to lose all composure and skip the party in favour of fucking you into the mattress, and you didnā€™t love the idea of guys that werenā€™t him ogling you all night. ā€œAnything but that dress.ā€Ā 
Yunjin and Chaewon seemed sad, but you were able to distract them by bringing out the disaster cocktail the oldest girl brewed earlier, pouring each of them half a glass and ordering an Uber to come and take them away. You promised them youā€™d go out next time, locking your pinkies with theirs and closing the door behind them.Ā 
Alone in your room, with nothing but thoughts of Heeseung to keep you company, you called him. He answered right away. You canā€™t remember exactly what you said but you remember the soft sigh he let out when you said it. You could practically see him tilting his head, weighing his options.Ā 
ā€œIā€™m trying to get a paper finished, itā€™s due Monday,ā€ he said finally.Ā 
ā€œBut itā€™s Thursday.ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, and I want to have my weekend free. If youā€™re still up when Iā€™m done, Iā€™ll come over, okay?ā€Ā 
You nodded. ā€œOkay.ā€Ā 
Heeseung hung up after that and you got out of bed to clean up, hoping the time would fly. It didnā€™t, but your flat was clean again so you pretended not to mind.Ā 
He called you after midnight. ā€œDo you still want me to come over?ā€ he asked, breathless.Ā 
ā€œPlease.ā€ There was a knock on your door after you spoke and you mumbled hold on before going to check it. Warped by the peephole, you saw Heeseung standing there, holding his phone to his ear and playing with the zipper on his jacket. He hugged you when you opened the door, asking if you were okay. ā€œPerfect,ā€ you said, looking into his eyes.Ā 
His pretty face scrunched up and he pinched his nostrils shut with his fingers, turning his head. ā€œWell, you smell like a distillery.ā€
Heeseung stood in the doorway of the bathroom while you brushed your teeth, grinning every time his eyes met yours in the mirror. Tell him now, you thought. You have to tell him now. Those thoughts nagged you as you gargled mouthwash, plagued you when you hugged him again and tortured you when he carried you to bed.Ā 
He stiffened when kissed his jaw. ā€œYou canā€™t do that,ā€ he mumbled, setting you down under the duvet. ā€œNot now.ā€Ā 
Then when? you wanted to say. ā€œIā€™m sorry,ā€ you said.
Heeseung sighed, shaking his head. ā€œNo, itā€™s just.. Itā€™s okay.ā€Ā 
Neither of you spoke after that, you made room for him on the bed and he lay down next to you, let you rest your head on his chest and played with your hair until you fell asleep. He was gone when you woke up in the morning but he left a glass of water and some paracetamol on your end table, along with a note.Ā 
I had to go to class and you wouldnā€™t wake up :(Ā  Weā€™ll talk about everything soon, we have to. See you at Jake and Sunghoonā€™s later?Ā 
ā€” Your Hee.Ā 
If you hadnā€™t been drunk he might have been okay with the kiss, he might have looked down at you and kissed you properly. You might have talked last night, fixed thingsā€”youā€™ve never regretted drinking so much in your life.Ā 
Things are better tonight at least. Youā€™ve been nursing the same can of cider since you arrived a few hours ago and Heeseungā€™s only had two sips of his beer, so hopefully, if you get some alone time, the two of you can finally talk. Youā€™re still not sure what you should say, if you should apologise for waiting so long, for leaving in the first place. It seemed like a good idea at the time, applying elsewhere. You didnā€™t even think youā€™d get in but you knew youā€™d never forgive yourself if you didnā€™t at least take the chance. It seemed like a sign when the acceptance letter reached your inbox before the term had finished, an unconditional offer to a high-ranking university, you couldnā€™t pass it up. And knowing Heeseung as well as you did, you knew heā€™d do anything to be by your side when you needed him, you knew heā€™d drop everything to move with you if you let him. Youā€™d owe him forever. It wouldnā€™t be fair on either of you.Ā 
You called Jay in tears after a month away, telling him you made a mistake, that you needed to come back and had already filled out a transfer application. He convinced you to at least stay until the end of term, to actually make friends with the girls you were living with and see how you felt. A week later, he, Jake and Sunghoon showed up on your doorstep with chocolate and booze, hoping your room was big enough for all of them to stay for the weekend, it wasnā€™t, not really, but for three nights, the four of you slept head to toe in your bed after eating your body weights in pizza and ice cream. There was no talk of Heeseung, even though you begged them, and by the time they left, you felt much better. At the end of your first year, you quietly submitted your transfer application and shared a tearful goodbye with Yizhuo and Minjeong before finally flying back home. The boys seemed happy to have you back, even if it meant sneaking around to hang out with youā€”A nudge pulls you out of your thoughts, Heeseung.
ā€œAre you okay?ā€ he asks.Ā 
When you look at him, it feels like the wind has been knocked out of you. His eyes are brimmed with concern, wide and beautiful, a deep brown youā€™ll never get sick of. His lips are curved into a soft pout, a crease running along his brow that you want to smooth out.Ā 
Heeseung relaxes a little when you nod, but he seems unconvinced. ā€œYou sure?ā€Ā 
You reach up to poke his cheek, grinning when he turns his head, trying to fight a smile. ā€œIā€™m good,ā€ you say, pressing a dimple into his cheek anyway.Ā 
He holds your finger in his hands, unclenching your fist and locking his fingers with yours. A wide grin stretches over your lips as you plead with your cheeks to stop burning. Jakeā€™s hand interrupts the moment, falling from the couch, limp and curled into a fist that smacks the back of your head. Heā€™s fast asleep, not stirring at all even when Heeseung laughs.Ā 
Unfortunately, you lose rock, paper, scissors and have to wake Jake up. He shifts a little on the couch when you shake him, whining at you to stop and scrunching up his face at you. Heeseung and Sunghoon eventually sigh, grabbing him by the arms and legs to carry him to bed.Ā 
Both boys return, laughing about something and Heeseung sits down next to you again while Sunghoon leans in the doorway, yawning. ā€œYou two can have my room,ā€ he says, cutting his eyes at you. ā€œNo funny business though, I just changed my sheets.ā€Ā 
You chuckle nervously and Heeseung makes a show of hiding his face in the crook of your neck, much to Sunghoonā€™s visible dismay. He clutches the doorframe so hard you see his knuckles paling and uses his free hand to point a stern finger in your direction. ā€œI mean it,ā€ is the last thing he says before leaving.Ā 
ā€œSorry,ā€ Heeseung mumbles when the door closes. ā€œItā€™s just so funny teasing him.ā€ Heā€™s grinning when he lifts his head and runs a shaking hand through his hair. ā€œAnyway, you still havenā€™t told me about your group project.ā€
A sigh curls out of you, dramatic and loud as you let your head fall back against the couch at the thought of it. You brought it up in passing on Monday after class and spent the rest of the week pretending it didnā€™t exist.Ā 
ā€œDamn,ā€ he mutters. ā€œThat bad?ā€Ā 
You donā€™t have many friends in your Archaeology class, but you always look forward to it ā€” because youā€™re covering Ancient Egypt ā€” and enjoy it. But this morning, you slept in, arriving late, to find your lecturer assigning groups for a project weighing 25% of your final grade. She put the groups together based on where people were sitting, which left you, standing in the doorway fighting for breath, being added to a group of boys you shared a seminar with last term. They never contributed, and rarely showed up, constantly sending messages in the class Whatsapp group to ask if anyone had the tutorial answers. The sinking feeling that your project was doomed before it began plagued you throughout the lecture and all the way to lunch with Yunjin afterwards. Even though it doesnā€™t have anything to do with the story, you tell him in meticulous detail about your time with her that day. Thankfully, youā€™re sober so donā€™t admit that you spent a lot of the meal exchanging increasingly ridiculous ideas to get him back.Ā 
Heeseung is just as beautiful and good at listening as always, nodding his head and uhm-ing and ah-ing at all the right parts. Until his gaze changes for a split second into something so soft and so sweet that it leaves a mark on your heart. ā€œI was pissed about it earlier, but now Iā€™m here, with you, and I want you to be my boyfriend again,ā€ you say, jaw hanging open as soon as the words come out.Ā 
His eyes widen, lips parting in shock. Then his brows furrow, pushing a crease into his forehead.Ā 
ā€œI know what youā€™re going to say and Iā€™m sorry.ā€ You start running damage control and pray that Jake or Sunghoon will wake up and come back. ā€œI really didnā€™t mean to say that, especially not now when we havenā€™t talked about everything. But you looked at me, Heeseung. You really looked at me just now and I canā€™t pretend I donā€™t want to be with you. Iā€™m sorry, really, but itā€™s your fault I said that.ā€Ā 
Mortified, you cover your face with your hands. ā€œCan you say something now?ā€ you ask, mumbling into the heels of your palms.Ā 
All he says is your name and a pit forms in your stomach. ā€œGod, anything but that,ā€ you groan.Ā 
Heeseung chuckles, which you think is a good thing. ā€œWould it be better if I called you baby?ā€Ā 
ā€œIn what context?ā€Ā 
Holding your breath, you watch as he presses his lips together, humming as he tilts his head. ā€œTerm of endearment between a girlfriend and her boyfriend.ā€Ā 
You lift your head, separating your fingers to see him properly through the space and the pit in your stomach dissolves into something live, butterflies fluttering in a frenzy from the look on his face. The gentle curve of his lips, the warmth in his eyes, and the slight flush on his cheeks all make your head spin.Ā 
ā€œReally?ā€
Heeseung nods so hard his hair follows the movement. ā€œYes, baby.ā€Ā 
ā€œCan we kiss now?ā€Ā 
ā€œMaybe if you move your hands out of the way.ā€
ā€œI donā€™t like maybe.ā€
ā€œDefinitely if you move your hands out of the way,ā€ he corrects.Ā 
You canā€™t bring yourself to move, worried that the sudden motion might disrupt something, might knock you out of the moment. Heeseung laughs, so softly it sounds like an exhale, as he takes your wrists in his hands, tugging gently. With your face in full view, his eyes flit over your features for a beat before he cups your cheek in his hand, dragging his thumb over the soft skin of your lips.Ā 
You donā€™t even realise heā€™s leaning in until his lips touch yours. Thereā€™s a rush of something in your chest, an intense warmth surrounding your heart. His lips are softer than ever, gentle as he kisses you like you might breakā€”you think you might. Nothing is better than this, better than having Heeseungā€™s lips on yours after all this time. You lean into him completely, pressing your body impossibly close to his and twirling your fingers around the hair at the nape of his neck.Ā 
ā€œI love you,ā€ he whispers, barely pulling away. ā€œI love you so much.ā€Ā 
You canā€™t bring yourself to reply, emotions too close to the surface, tears too close to spilling. Instead, you smile into the kiss, somehow holding him closer and hoping heā€™ll understand. He pulls back, just enough to gaze into your eyes with a look of pure affection. He doesnā€™t press for words, a reassuring smile tugging his lips.Ā 
He understands, Heeseung always understands.Ā 
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Sunghoonā€™s sheets are soft against your skin when you wake up, tickling your nose with the scent of detergent and Heeseungā€™s shampooā€”fresh and light. Your hand finds its way into his hair, fingers curling around the strands as Heeseung watches you with a soft smile, eyes scanning your features, taking you in. He lets his hand rest on your cheek, thumb stroking the skin there and his eyes flick up to meet yours. You feel like a teenager, a giddy smile gracing your lips, giggles tumbling out at the tickly feeling of lovestruck butterflies rumbling in your stomach. Heeseung beams, nuzzling into the touch of your hand as his eyes flutter shut.Ā 
ā€œIf weā€™re going to work out this timeā€”I want us to work out, but we need to talk,ā€ you say after a beat.Ā 
Heeseungā€™s brows raise like he canā€™t believe what youā€™re saying, his lips pushing into a pout. ā€œWe are going to work out, of course weā€™re going to work out.ā€ His voice is still raspy from sleep, a deep hoarseness thatā€™s too sexy for the cute way heā€™s chewing on his lip, doe-eyed and sweet as his eyes scan your face.
ā€œI know, baby, I want that.ā€ You nod, using your hand to push his hair out of his face. Itā€™s so long now itā€™s starting to cover his eyes, the soft blond strands curling into his eyelashes. ā€œBut you have to say no to me, you know? I want you to have a life of your own, we both should.ā€Ā 
ā€œNo.ā€Ā 
ā€œNo?ā€ You press your eyes shut, sighing. ā€œWhat do you mean, no?ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™m starting now.ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™m serious, Hee, this is serious.ā€Ā 
He pouts for a second before nodding. ā€œIā€™m serious too. I can say no to you, I will say no to you.ā€Ā 
You canā€™t help your scepticism, raising your brow at him as you inspect his face. Thereā€™s nothing about his expression that suggests heā€™s not being serious, nothing in those huge eyes seeming insincere. But you know Heeseung, youā€™ve been with Heeseung, and you know better than anyone, thereā€™s nothing he wouldnā€™t do if it meant spending time with you, so you have to ask. ā€œSo from now on, if I text you when youā€™re in class or out with friends, and I tell you I want to see you, what are you going to do?ā€Ā 
Heeseung sighs. ā€œIā€™m going to text back and say that Iā€™m.. busy.ā€ His lips curl into a frown. ā€œMy heart will be super heavy though.ā€Ā 
ā€œBut youā€™ll do it? You wonā€™t see me until youā€™re free?ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™ll do it, I wonā€™t leave or anything.ā€Ā 
ā€œDo you promise?ā€Ā 
ā€œYeah, baby, I promise.ā€ When you smile at him, Heeseung leans in to seal his promise with a kiss, his lips meeting yours softly.Ā 
You flinch when the door opens and Heeseung chuckles against your lips, but he doesnā€™t stop kissing you. Over his head, you see Sunghoon standing in the doorway, hair dripping water on the floor with a towel wrapped around his hips.Ā 
Sunghoon sighs, loud and dramatic, his head falling back. ā€œI specifically said no funny business,ā€ he mutters. ā€œQuit looking at me.ā€ He comes into the room and lifts the duvet over your heads.Ā 
Under the covers, Heeseung pulls away, poking his head out and laughing. ā€œWeā€™re just kissing.ā€
ā€œYeah, with your shirt off. Why is your shirt off?ā€
ā€œShe wanted to wearā€”ā€
Sunghoon cuts him off with a gasp, pulling the duvet back. ā€œWait, why are you kissing?ā€
ā€œI canā€™t kiss my girlfriend?ā€Ā 
The word makes your cheeks burn and you hide your face in Heeseungā€™s chest. His lips find the top of your head, kissing you as he wraps his arms around you.Ā 
Sunghoon groans at the sight. ā€œI havenā€™t missed this at all,ā€ he says. ā€œWho else knows?ā€
ā€œJust you so far.ā€
You can hear Sunghoon grinning when he drops the duvet back over your heads and shuffles around the room, getting ready for skating. Heeseung calls you cute and holds you closer. ā€œIā€™ve missed you so much, missed this,ā€ he mumbles into your hair. ā€œI love you.ā€
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Dating Heeseung again is better than anything you could have imagined, even if it has only been two weeks. Heā€™s everything youā€™ve ever wanted and more, and even the simple things he does make you smile so hard your face aches. Like when he picks up snacks for you after class or sends you pictures of sweet things he wrote about you in his old diary. Chaewon and Yunjin comment that you seem happier, that youā€™re glowing, and you canā€™t help the giggles that always escape and the flush that burns your cheeks when you mention your boyfriend, Heeseung.
Even under the pressure of taking on a group project by yourself, you find yourself fighting a grin in the library just thinking about him. Your class finished an hour ago and youā€™re doing research in the computer lab while waiting for him so you can go back home together. With a crease in your brow, you try to make sense of conflicting articles on the origin of the Great Pyramid of Giza, happy when your phone lights up with a text.Ā 
hee: we should go on a date tonight !!! how does the fair sound?Ā 
you: sounds good :DĀ 
hee: ā¤ļø
As if sensing that plans have been made without him, Sunghoon sends a message to the group chat asking who wants to go to the Spring Fair in the city centre tonight.Ā 
you: hee and i are alr going :/
sunghoon: awesome i can meet u at heeā€™s in a few hours?
You really canā€™t find the heart to tell Sunghoon itā€™s a date so you decide not to say anything, only feeling worse when Jay replies.Ā 
jay: sounds good :DĀ 
hee: itā€™s a date dumbass, youā€™re not invited.
sunghoon: ok.. i can still go
jake: time?
With your date set and whatever else the boys are planning in the group chat, you manage to finish up your work in time for Heeseung to show up with a grin on his face as you pack up your notebook. Excitement stirs in your stomach when he locks his fingers with yours and youā€™ve never looked forward to the sticky heat of a night in spring as much as you are right now.Ā 
ā€œHow was class?ā€ you ask, squeezing his hand.Ā 
Heeseung grins at you, swinging your hands between your bodies as you weave through tables to leave the library. ā€œTurns out I focus really well when youā€™re not sitting with me.ā€Ā 
ā€œOh, really?ā€
ā€œMm.ā€ He nods, biting his lip.Ā 
ā€œI can sit with other people if itā€™ll help you focus.ā€Ā 
ā€œNo!ā€ he whines, loud enough to draw side eyes from the students around you before the tips of his ears burn red and he pulls you out of the library at lightspeed.Ā 
When you reach his flat, Jayā€™s sitting on the couch grinning at something on his phone, so distracted he doesnā€™t even realise youā€™ve arrived until you sit down next to him. Heā€™s got a lot to say about his mock trial and tells you everything, all while youā€™re cuddled up to Heeseung, with your head on his shoulder.Ā 
You blink and the sunā€™s gone down, Jay isnā€™t around anymore and Heeseungā€™s arms are around your waist, holding you close. ā€œHey,ā€ he says when you stir. ā€œThe boys left already, you just looked so cute sleeping that I didnā€™t want to wake you.ā€Ā 
Thereā€™s a wet patch on his sweater where your mouth was that you try to wipe away. It doesnā€™t budge. And a burning flush attacks your cheeks and neck when Heeseung uses his thumb to wipe some of the drool by your mouth. ā€œSo cute.ā€ He chuckles. ā€œShould we get going?ā€Ā 
You spend the whole journey to the city centre with your hand in Heeseungā€™s, trying to fight the butterflies in your stomach every time he smiles at you. Itā€™s weird. To have been with him for so long, yet still feel giddy when he looks at you. This is new though, you suppose, to live away from home and see him whenever you want. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and you canā€™t help the grin on your face at the thought of spending infinite nights like this, with him.Ā 
The Spring Fair is alive with laughter and squeals of delight that you can hear from around the corner. Winking lights spill onto the pavement in rapid succession, somehow showing the whole spectrum at once. Heeseung is bursting with excitement, running down the street with you in tow, desperately trying to keep up with his stride and regulate your breathing. His eyes are huge when you reach the gates, scanning the area for the churros heā€™s been talking about for the entire walk and he gasps when he sees the stall, pulling you along with him. You have to weave through the crowd, dipping and dodging tired locals and excited tourists as you call out apologies to everyone Heeseung bumps into. The first night is always packed like this, so full itā€™s hard to believe the fair runs for six whole weeks.Ā 
You share a heart-shaped churro and pose for the photos he wants to take, your heart swelling with affection as you pretend to be embarrassed when he buys matching character headbands for you both. Two years ago, Heeseung wouldā€™ve told you that headbands arenā€™t a good use of your money and bought them anyway, but today, he spent fifteen minutes trying on and taking photos with each character before finding the perfect pair. You canā€™t help but grin as he puts the headband on for you, a sense of excitement blooming inside you, so great itā€™s overwhelming.
Heeseung buys a blue raspberry slushy in an obnoxiously large reusable cup with two straws, and as he clutches his head with each brain freeze, chuckles pour out of you, only increasing when he pouts.Ā 
At every opportunity, the two of you take selfies, and the grin on his face in each one warms your heart. He posts his favourite to his story, showing you all the compliments heā€™s getting in his DMs, all aimed at you. He seems so proud and excited to be with you, and butterflies go mad in your stomach as he reads some of them out to you, agreeing with and adding to the messages.
ā€œYouā€™re so beautiful, baby. I think I might delete the picture,ā€ he says, frowning as the story replies pour in.Ā 
The look on his face makes you laugh, struggling to talk but trying anyway. ā€œBut I love it.ā€Ā 
Heeseung puts his phone away, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. ā€œI love you,ā€ he says, using his free hand to tip your chin towards him. He grins when you say it back, tracing his thumb along your jaw. An odd stillness hits you, in the midst of vibrant chaos. Flashes of multi-coloured LEDs dance in orange and purple strobes over his face and your breath hitches in your throat. His eyes are pretty and wide, flicking from your eyes to your mouth a few times as a flame starts to burn in your stomach, low and scorching.Ā 
ā€œI love you,ā€ you repeat, tip-toeing to close the gap.Ā 
You kiss him, slow and sweet to savour the sugary taste on his lips as they move against yours. His tongue slips into your mouth, deepening the kiss and the taste of syrupy artificial fruit, leaving you craving more, craving him. A pop goes out in the air and you flinch in Heeseungā€™s arms. He chuckles against your lips before he pulls away, looking up. Trails of pink and gold paint the sky above, vibrant sparks spreading everywhere as a few more go off. If you werenā€™t so busy trying to catch your breath, you might appreciate their beauty, but you are and the next pop only startles you too.Ā 
Heeseung looks down at you, his slightly swollen lips curving into a grin. ā€œHow are you so cute?ā€ he coos. ā€œAnd donā€™t most people want fireworks to go off when they kiss someone?ā€Ā 
ā€œItā€™s probably a sensation thing, Heeseung.ā€ You know itā€™s a sensation thing. The first time he kissed you, it felt like you were floating on air, as if Sunghoonā€™s basement, cold and dark, was the most romantic place on Earth. You were sweaty and nervous, sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Heeseung while the boys were sleeping. He was the one to lean in and he kissed the tip of your nose by accident.
ā€œYeah, yeah,ā€ he mutters. ā€œCome here.ā€ His voice is so deep and raspy that it spurs the flame on, burning higher, hotter, until itā€™s the only thing you can think about. His hand finds your jaw again, pulling you towards him to kiss you. Of course, you canā€™t resist; heā€™s Heeseung.Ā 
The kiss is rife with neediness, whether from you or Heeseung you canā€™t tell, but youā€™re tugging at his hair and heā€™s clutching at your t-shirt, both of you struggling to get enough of the other. You nip at his bottom lip with your teeth and a heady sigh falls from his mouth into yours, brewing a storm in your mind, a thick fog obscuring everything but thoughts of him.
At the sound of a forced throat clearing, you break away from Heeseung, seeing an elderly lady with a steaming cup in her hand and a disgruntled look on her face. She extends an arm, gesturing behind you. When you follow the direction of her hand, you see a bench that youā€™re standing right in front of. Heeseung grabs your hand, mumbling an apology and tugging you as far away as possible. You struggle to stifle a laugh at the redness of his ears against his hair.Ā 
A huge ride swings and spins into the air, catching your attention, though Heeseung seems to be more interested in the way Jake stands by the entrance with a scowl on his face. Jake waves you over when he sees you, grinning and hugging you both like itā€™s been years since he saw you.Ā 
ā€œJay and Hoon are..ā€ he trails off, using his arm to vaguely gesture towards the sky.Ā 
ā€œMan,ā€ Heeseung whispers, pointing a reverent finger to the sky, ā€œR.I.P.ā€Ā 
Countless fireworks shoot up noisily, painting the dark sky, and Heeseungā€™s arms fall heavily around your shoulders, his body warm against your back. If not for the way Jakeā€™s flinching next to you, covering his ears with his hands and ducking slightly at the bang of each one, it might feel like the two of you are alone in the moment. Alone despite the chatter, the laughter and squeals. Just you and Heeseung.Ā 
And Jake.Ā 
Heeseung is amazing at fair games, especially the ring toss. But a tired-looking man in a business suit wins the Hello Kitty plush youā€™d been eyeing for the snotty toddler wrapped around his leg, so you settle for the Kuromi plush instead. Heeseung says itā€™s cuter. You agree.Ā 
His voice is soft when he asks, ā€œMaybe we can go on the Ferris wheel later?ā€ This is a far cry from the boy of sixteen who fainted at an amusement park just from seeing the drop on the biggest ride there. When you look up at him, his eyes are wide, boring into you, holding the stars in his pupils with a grin across his blue-stained lips, and how could you say no to that face?Ā 
The platform by the Ferris wheel is sticky under your shoes, making you cringe with every step you take towards the front of the line. Heeseungā€™s grip on your hand is tighter than you think itā€™s ever been when he realises that youā€™re next to get on. This might be the most scared youā€™ve ever seen him, your poor boyfriend with his overpriced Kuromi headband shivering beside you.Ā 
You frown at the sight, reaching up to kiss his cheek. ā€œWe donā€™t have to do this, Hee,ā€ you say.
He tries to play it cool, shrugging with a nonchalance that doesnā€™t match the fear in his eyes. ā€œI want to,ā€ he assures, though his voice lacks conviction.Ā 
ā€œAre you sure?ā€ The way he flinches when the ride operator opens the gate gives you his answer, but Heeseung is firm in his words as he pulls you towards the cart, despite wincing when the operator locks you in. ā€œBaby,ā€ you whisper, touching his cheek. ā€œItā€™s not too late to get out.ā€Ā 
In what appears to be a display of his bravery, he makes a show of rocking the carriage ā€” only to be told off by the operator (who canā€™t be older than sixteen) ā€” and cheering (with no conviction) about nothing in particular. You canā€™t help but laugh, the cart shaking slightly as you let your head fall back and you only laugh harder when Heeseung gasps because of it.Ā 
He flinches again when the ride starts moving, an unsettling creak sending you forward just enough to allow the next victims ā€” according to Heeseung ā€” to get on the ride. When the last of them board, the wheel sets off in a slow spin and he spends the entire first rotation with his eyes clamped shut, only opening them after a while when he thinks the ride is over.Ā 
The wheel creaks more than what you think is necessary and he only grows more and more outwardly uncomfortable, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and gripping the safety bar above your laps until his knuckles turn white.Ā 
ā€œWould it make you feel better if I held your hand?ā€ you coo, holding your left hand out to him.Ā 
He rolls his eyes but takes your hand in his, holding it between his palms. Seemingly at ease, Heeseung shifts slightly in his seat to close the tiny gap between you, pressing his knee into yours.Ā 
Even in the distance, the fairā€™s LED lights are beautiful, melting away into flashing bokeh before your eyes as the carriage inches higher and higher. You almost forget your company, leaning over the edge to get a better look, only for Heeseung to put his arm on your arm, mumbling, ā€œStop it.ā€Ā 
His skin is warm despite the slight chill that comes with your increasing altitude, and you wish the carriage was smallerā€”cramped even, forcing the two of you together so tightly that you have no choice but to become one. You sit in the quiet of the night, excitement on the fairground growing quieter as the wheel spins, agonisingly slow, until eventually itā€™s just the two of youā€”you and Heeseung: the only people in the moment.Ā 
The only people in the world.
ā€œWhy are we even on this thing?ā€ you whisper, squeezing his hand.Ā 
Heeseung shrugs his shoulders as gently as he can manage so as not to rock the carriage. His eyes are big when he looks at you, holding your gaze intently. ā€œI wanted to be romantic.ā€Ā 
Oh, Heeseung, you think, pressing your lips into a frown. Heā€™s the sweetest person in the world and just the thought of it makes your stomach flutter. ā€œYouā€™re plenty romantic,ā€ you say sincerely.Ā 
He scoffs. ā€œYeah, because pretending you didnā€™t exist for a year is romantic.ā€Ā 
ā€œYes! Very!ā€ You chuckle, nodding your head.Ā 
Again, he rolls his eyes at you but he uses his hand to hold your face, pulling you in. His kiss tastes like candy floss and the blue raspberry slushy you shared earlier, lips soft, relaxed against your own. Your hand reaches for his thigh, meeting instead with the squished plushy between your bodies and you canā€™t help but laugh.Ā 
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With your presentation out of the way, you and the guys are all sitting in Heeseung and Jayā€™s living room for the first night of Spring break. Youā€™ve just about reached your limit, cuddling into Heeseungā€™s side with your eyes closed, sleepily listening to the conversation. Itā€™s unintelligible, more laughter and wheezes than anything else.Ā 
You shift your way into Heeseungā€™s lap after a while, moving around to get comfortable. It only takes two movements for him to grab you by the waist, holding you still. You try again, and his lips catch the shell of your ear. ā€œRelax, baby. Whatā€™s up?ā€
ā€œNothing,ā€ you admit, moving around again until he sighs, relieved, you think. A wicked grin spreads over your lips when you feel him getting hard, grinding down on him a little and liking the warmth that spreads in your stomach from having him pressed against you.Ā 
ā€œStop it,ā€ he whispers, kissing the spot behind your ear.Ā 
You heed the warning but canā€™t help the thoughts filling your mind, though you try to ignore them, laughing at something Sunghoon said about Jakeā€™s ugly hat and shoes. Jake doesnā€™t find it as funny as the rest of you seem to.
Another hour passes by in the same way before the boys stumble into Jayā€™s room, calling out a slurred goodnight to you and Heeseung on the couch. You stand up first, holding out a hand for him to take and giggling when he presses a kiss to the back of it.Ā 
In his room, he stares at a spot on the wall as you close the door, a contemplative look on his face. ā€œAre you okay?ā€ you ask, but he doesnā€™t look at you, only nodding his head with a crease along his brow.Ā 
You kiss him, a featherlight touch of your lips against his. Itā€™s soft for a while, sweet and sincere until he clutches your shirt like his life depends on it. Heeseungā€™s hands are all over you, stroking and squeezing every part of you he can reach. Overwhelming heat burns your skin under his touch. He inhales sharply through his nose when you reach for his waistband, tugging the drawstring free but he grabs your wrist, stopping you. He keeps kissing you, keeps trying and frowns when you pull away.Ā 
ā€œYou donā€™t want this?ā€Ā 
He tilts his head, looking down at you with concern flooding his wide eyes. ā€œDo you think weā€™re going too fast?ā€ His voice is quiet and he chews on his lip after speaking.Ā 
ā€œWeā€™ve been together for six years.ā€Ā 
ā€œA month,ā€ he corrects, looking at his feet.
As badly as you want him, you donā€™t want him doing anything heā€™s not ready for, so you wiggle your arm free from his grip, dropping it at your side. He lifts his head to look at you, brows knitted together, the sweetest thing youā€™ve ever seen. ā€œI donā€™t want to rush you.ā€
ā€œItā€™s not that.ā€ He shakes his head with wide eyes. ā€œI just donā€™t want us doing anything youā€™ll regret.ā€
ā€œIā€™m not going to regret this, I donā€™t regret anything weā€™ve done, Heeseung,ā€ you say, holding his face in your hands.Ā 
He closes his eyes, nodding.Ā 
ā€œDo you want to stop?ā€Ā 
ā€œNever,ā€ he whispers and the word has you falling to your knees.Ā 
Itā€™s hard to see his exact expression in only the dim glow of the streetlights outside, but you can clearly see the way heā€™s watching you. The way his eyes are lidded as he chews on his bottom lip, watching you reach for the buckle on his belt. Heeseung threads his fingers through your hair, groaning, and for a few seconds, youā€™re hypnotised. Too wrapped up in tipsiness and lust to move your fingers, completely focused on the way his breath starts to pick up before youā€™ve even done anything. Youā€™re starting to think it might be enough for him just to see you like this, on your knees for him, wide-eyed and eager.Ā 
Whether on purpose or not, Heeseung tugs on your hair gently, pulling you from your trance. His blunt fingernails scratch at the back of your head as you undo his belt, tugging his jeans down. He steps out of them as soon as he can, smiling when you toss them behind you. Too worked up to wait, you push your face against him. You take a minute to hold his covered cock between your lips, shuddering at the feeling of the damp spot at the top of it. Heeseung grunts, bucking his hips. He looks like sin when you lock eyes with him, licking a strip to the top of his waistband, sucking and nipping at the skin and coarse hair there.Ā 
ā€œQuit teasing,ā€ he says, still keeping control of his voice.Ā 
You blink up at him sweetly, shaking your head. ā€œIā€™m not,ā€ you mumble, pulling his underwear down.Ā 
Heeseungā€™s dick smacks his stomach with a wet sound that makes you clench around nothing, and you sit back on your heels to admire him. Maybe itā€™s from time, or your unbearable desire, but he looks bigger, thicker, and much prettier than you remember. When you finally drag your eyes from his dick, you notice a mark on his hip, right above where his thigh starts. Itā€™s a smudge of something dark, inky almost. You furrow your brows, licking the pad of your thumb to try and get rid of it. He practically flinches when you touch it, moving away from you. The increased distance between you and the low lighting only further obscures itā€”when you rub at the mark it doesnā€™t budge.Ā 
ā€œWhat is this?ā€Ā 
ā€œItā€™s nothing,ā€ he says, sitting down on the bed and covering it with his hand.Ā 
If it was anyone other than Heeseung, you might have thought it was a tattoo, but you canā€™t make sense of the thought so it slips your mind as soon as it occurs. You reach for the lamp on his bedside table, flicking it on, losing your breath at the sight of his skin glowing golden in the light, and the tip of his cock is a tempting, glossy red. You canā€™t help but take him in your hand, stroking him slowly.Ā 
ā€œTell me, baby.ā€Ā 
ā€œItā€™s a bruise,ā€ he manages through a gasp, licking his lips.
Your thumb swipes over his slit and he crumbles. ā€œHeeseung.ā€Ā 
ā€œButterfly, itā€™s a butterfly.ā€Ā 
A fuzzy warmth starts to bloom in your chest, overwhelming you. ā€œLay down,ā€ you say, voice as soft as itā€™s ever been.Ā 
Heeseung obliges, linking his fingers with yours when you move his hand from his thigh. Under the light, you can see it clearly, dark strokes of ink forming a pretty butterfly, tiny, and heart-achingly familiar.Ā 
ā€œIs it..ā€ You trail off, moving your lips around words that you canā€™t get out as tears sting your eyes. ā€œDid I draw this?ā€ Leaning over him, you get as close as you can, using your finger to trace the shape.Ā 
Sitting up on his elbows, he looks down at you with a worried look on his face as he nods. ā€œDo you hate it?ā€Ā 
ā€œI love it.. itā€™s perfect.ā€ You let go of his hand, using the back of your fingers to wipe at your eyes.Ā 
Heeseung sits up, letting his hand cup your cheek and looking at you. He uses his thumb to wipe some of the tears you missed before leaning down and kissing you. His lips move slowly with yours, heā€™s being gentle, so gentle that you hear your heart thudding in your ears.Ā 
ā€œCome sit,ā€ he mumbles against your mouth, helping you up and guiding you into his lap, a whine falling out of him when you sit on his cock and you mumble an apology that you donā€™t mean.
ā€œWhen did.. Why did you..ā€
His shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. ā€œMy first birthday I spent without you. I just wanted to have something for you.ā€
Youā€™ve seen it and youā€™ve heard it from him, but you still canā€™t make sense of it. ā€œBut youā€™re.. youā€™re Heeseung. Youā€™d never get a tattoo, you told me that.ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™ll probably never get another tattoo, it hurt like hell,ā€ he says, frowning.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re such a sweetheart.ā€ You cradle his face in your hands, gazing into his eyes, your sweet Heeseung. So different yet so incredibly similar. ā€œYouā€™re, like, obsessed with me.ā€
Thereā€™s a loud adoration in his eyes that makes your stomach turn. ā€œHow could I not be?ā€ His smile is wide even though his lips are smushed a little by the way youā€™re holding his face.Ā 
Heeseung tilts his chin towards you so you kiss him, the two of you passing moans and whines between your mouths as you grind on him, his hands gripping your waist under your shirt. He shudders under you, rutting his hips against yours with a groan. Heā€™s harder than ever underneath you, his cock hot between your thighs, pressed up against your core in the most maddening way. It canā€™t be comfortable for him, the friction from your underwear but he seems like heā€™s enjoying it just as much as you, maybe more, you think, when he starts throbbing.Ā 
Conscious of the boys across the hall, you try your best to be quiet, though Heeseung doesnā€™t share your concern, his lips parting too wide to keep kissing you and his head falling back as he lets a whine out into the air. His nails dig into your skin, hips speeding up more than you can keep up with as he trembles, clearly so close to the edge that you moan at the sight of him all fucked out in front of you. You chew on your lip, watching his whole face scrunch up before falling to your shoulder, his cum leaking out all over your panties and the tops of your thighs. A grin covers your lips while your pussy aches from the heat of his release and the feeling of his staggered breath hitting your skin. When he finally sits up, sweat slicks the column of his neck and chest, a nervous look in his eyes that he canā€™t quite bring to meet yours.Ā 
ā€œThis is jā€”ā€ Heeseung cuts you off by covering your mouth with his palm.Ā 
ā€œI remember. You donā€™t have to say it, baby, I remember.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou were so cute that day,ā€ you say when he moves his hand. Butterflies fill your stomach when you think about it, the first time you ever did anything with each other, with anyone. He was fifteen, with cute round glasses perched on the end of his nose and teeth too big for his mouth, finishing in his jeans with you in his lap.
ā€œYou donā€™t think Iā€™m cute anymore?ā€ he asks, frowning.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re always cute.ā€
Heeseung grins at your words, so wide and sweet your heart races. He kisses you gently and slips his hand into your underwear, his finger trailing the length of your pussy slowly, groaning into your mouth at how wet you are. You whine into the kiss when he strokes your clit and gasp when he pushes a finger into you easily. Gradually, he adds more fingers, fucking you open on his knuckles and watching as you fall apart.
His lips move from yours, falling to your neck so he can kiss and suck the sensitive skin there. ā€œYou feel so good, baby. My sweet girl,ā€ he mumbles, breath searing your skin. The words make you clench, your stomach fluttering relentlessly as he uses his thumb to press on your clit, the pressure enough to make you spiral. Itā€™s all too much too fast and before long, youā€™re squirming and mewling in Heeseungā€™s arms, finishing all over his fingers.Ā 
Immediately, an excruciating flush burns every inch of your body as you hide your face in his neck to catch your breath. His arms wrap around you and he whispers sweet nothings into your hair while stroking your back.
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Ever since that night in his room, all your senses feel heightened when Heeseung is around.Ā 
And it doesnā€™t help that you spend every waking moment with him. Whether in his flat or yours, youā€™re joined at the hip and itā€™s near impossible not to pounce on him. In your stomach blooms a heat you havenā€™t felt in years. An all-consuming flame that makes you hold your breath when he cuddles you; makes you look away when he strips before showering.
Heā€™s taken a liking to shirtlessness, only seeming to remember that the garments exist when he has to leave the houseā€”which isnā€™t often now that classes have ended. This sudden cotton allergy plagues you, burning the image of his ever-increasing muscle definition and the tattoo on his hip into your memory, so deeply theyā€™re the only things you see when you close your eyes at night.Ā 
Even when Heeseungā€™s being romantic, cooking dinner for the two of you and almost burning his finger with a match while lighting a candle, youā€™re thinking about him fucking you. When he goes out with the boys and stumbles into your flat, drunk, with a crushed bouquet in his hands, youā€™re thinking about what might have happened if youā€™d gone out too. If heā€™d finger you in the back of a taxi or take you against the door when you got back.Ā 
Weeks go by like this until you finally reach your limit.Ā 
Thereā€™s nothing overtly sexual about the way Heeseungā€™s sitting. About the way his lashes kiss his cheeks when he blinks, or the way his hair sits in a sleepy mess on his forehead. But itā€™s Heeseung. So these things existing on him drive you crazy.Ā 
Given the lack of privacy in your family homes ā€” by way of an open-door rule when visiting each other ā€” you and Heeseung didnā€™t have many opportunities to have sex that didnā€™t involve being tangled around one another in the backseat of his car. And even those occasions were few and far between.Ā 
With the only three brain cells that seem to function around your shirtless boyfriend and your head on the doorjamb, you begin to scheme. It doesnā€™t have to be elaborateā€”just a way to get Heeseung to fuck you without you having to bring it up.Ā 
ā€œWhatā€™s up, baby?ā€ he asks, finally looking over at you. His voice pulls you out of your thoughts, with a raspiness to it that makes your thoughts run wild. From head to toe, his eyes drag over your body, his tongue coming out to run over his lips.Ā 
Clearly, a very delicate, well-timed conversation is in order and the gears in your mind scrape against each other, turning egregiously as you try to figure out how to start the conversation. ā€œI want you to fuck me,ā€ you blurt out. Not the most delicate approach, but the way Heeseungā€™s eyes widen suggests you might be on the right track. ā€œI didnā€™t mean to say that,ā€ you admit sheepishly.Ā 
He chuckles deeply in a way you havenā€™t heard in years. ā€œSo you donā€™t want me to fuck you?ā€ Thereā€™s a challenge in his question, evident from his raised brow, the setting aside of his phone, and the way he sits up straight. The movement forces the duvet to slip a little, falling from above his belly button to his hips in one fell ā€” effortlessly sexy ā€” swoop.Ā 
In spite of this, you canā€™t help but roll your eyes at him. How could you be standing there, in nothing but his t-shirt, asking him to fuck you and heā€™s caught up on semantics? ā€œThatā€™s not what Iā€™m saying.ā€Ā 
ā€œWhat are you saying?ā€ When you donā€™t say anything, Heeseung lifts the duvet from his body entirely, grinning when your gaze locks on his hips. His pyjama pants are sitting low enough to show off the waistband of his underwear, and they donā€™t do anything to hide the way his hard cock pushes against them.
Heeseung towers over you, overwhelming you and the space of the doorframe as his mouth quirks up at one corner. ā€œYou want it, baby?ā€ he asks, his voice soft as he cups your face in his hand, using his thumb to trace your lips.Ā 
His face dips down to yours and you canā€™t resist reaching up to kiss him, whining at the contact as you move your lips in sync with his. The sounds heā€™s making are dizzying, deep groans you feel in your chest. His hand grips your waist, pulling you as close as possible so you can feel him, hard and thick, pressing against you.Ā 
You whimper when he pulls away, chasing his kiss, but Heeseung only chuckles. ā€œSay the word and Iā€™m yours,ā€ he whispers, looking down at you with those big eyes.Ā 
ā€œIā€™m not going to beg.ā€Ā 
He smiles sweetly, a soft curve of his lips summoning butterflies. ā€œSuit yourself,ā€ he says, leaning down to press a kiss to the base of your neck and leaving the room.Ā 
Flustered, you follow him, flinging your arms around his waist and pressing your face into his back. ā€œOkay, Iā€™m going to beg.ā€
ā€œIā€™m listening.ā€Ā 
ā€œI need you,ā€ you mumble into his skin.Ā 
ā€œYou have me.ā€Ā 
Even though his words and the way his lips audibly split into a grin make your heart race, you canā€™t help your frustration. ā€œHeeseung,ā€ you say, pleading with him.Ā 
He frees himself from your grip, turning around. When you look up at him, heā€™s watching you closely through lidded eyes, his lips parted in a soft pout that makes your heart melt. His arms wrapped around your shoulders, holding you close enough to feel him pressing against you. ā€œIā€™m all yours, baby. Whatā€™s up?ā€
ā€œWhy are you torturing me?ā€
This makes him smile as he shakes his head. ā€œIā€™m not.ā€Ā 
ā€œPlease.ā€
He brings a hand up to your face, his thumb stroking your cheek and you canā€™t help but nuzzle into his palm. ā€œPlease what?ā€Ā 
ā€œYou know what I need and I canā€™t go any longer without it,ā€ you mumble into his hand. Heeseung only raises a brow and you sigh. Somehow, your want for him is greater than your embarrassment so you sigh, looking him in the eye. ā€œIf you want to, please, please, fuck me, Heeseung. Any way you want, baby, just promise me youā€™ll do it. I need it, need you.ā€Ā 
A shit-eating grin takes over his face as he leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. ā€œWas that so hard?ā€ he asks, frowning when you donā€™t reply. ā€œDonā€™t get all moody, baby, talk to me.ā€Ā 
Heeseung picks you up, holding you close as you wrap your legs around his waist. Both of his hands are spread over your ass and youā€™re too embarrassed to say anything, chewing your lip and staring at the little mole on his forehead.Ā 
ā€œNeed me to fuck you ā€˜til you can talk again?ā€ Thereā€™s a roughness to his voice that makes your cheeks flush, but you canā€™t help but laugh, head falling back in a fit of cackles.Ā 
ā€œWhat are you talking about?ā€Ā 
His pretty lips come together in a pout before he speaks. ā€œI donā€™t know.ā€ He shrugs, the tips of his ears burning red as he carries you to his room, using his foot to close the door behind him. ā€œIā€™m rusty.ā€
You shake your head before kissing his forehead. ā€œYouā€™re perfect.ā€
Heeseung sets you down on the bed gently, crawling over you. ā€œI like seeing you in my shirts,ā€ he says, clutching the fabric in his fists, tugging a little.Ā 
ā€œSomeone has to wear them.ā€
A breathy laugh falls from his lips. ā€œWhat?ā€ He tilts his head, leaning away from you to sit back on his heels. ā€œYou donā€™t like seeing me like this?ā€Ā 
Itā€™s hard to find a balance between missing his warmth and looking at his body. Staring at the definition that marks his chest and stomach and the way his muscles stick out over his biceps, you can feel yourself leaking at the sight of him. Your eyes catch on his waistband, on the strip of hair thatā€™s cut off by the start of the fabric before falling to the bulge in his pants.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re looking at me like Iā€™m your next meal,ā€ he mumbles, leaning back over you with a deep flush on his cheeks and neck.
ā€œI think I want you to be.ā€Ā 
ā€œYou think?ā€
You nod eagerly, anticipation swirling in your stomach.Ā 
ā€œAnything I can do to make you certain?ā€ Heeseungā€™s voice is thick with something you think could be enough to make you finish.Ā 
ā€œWhatever you want,ā€ you say, desperate.Ā 
He chews on his lip, considering you for a while before kissing your cheek. Once more, he sits up, tugging at your waist. ā€œFirst, I want this shirt out of my way,ā€ he says with a smile.Ā 
Immediately, you lean off the bed to let him take it off, tossing it behind him. ā€œAnything else?ā€Ā 
Heeseungā€™s too busy staring to speak, taking you in hungrily with a jarring combination of lust and adoration behind his eyes. You thought youā€™d feel shy about him seeing you after so long, but youā€™ve never felt more comfortable in your life as he reaches down to lock his fingers with yours. He brings your hand up to his mouth, kissing the back of it. ā€œYouā€™re so pretty,ā€ he says against your skin.Ā 
Thereā€™s no stopping the flutter in your stomach or the smile that spreads over your lips. You tell him you love him and he says it back as he leans back down to kiss you slowly, his tongue licking into your mouth at an agonising pace, a line of saliva connecting you to him when he pulls away.Ā 
ā€œI want to get my head between your legs,ā€ he mumbles, letting his hand dip between your spread thighs. ā€œSo wet already?ā€ he asks, dragging your slick up to your clit, rubbing it with a featherlight touch that leaves a whine slipping from your lips. ā€œWill you let me?ā€Ā 
You nod.Ā 
Heeseung smiles and you match it before he dips his head into the crook of your neck, kissing the skin there for a minute. His breath and wet mouth are hot, burning a trail down to your collarbone and chest, where he gets distracted, pulling one of your nipples between his lips.
Your stomach twists at the sight of him, his pretty, pouty lips sucking and biting at your sensitive skin, the way heā€™s moaning against you, using his thick fingers to tug and pinch your other breast. It takes him a while to move on but you donā€™t complain, even when he presses tickly kisses to your stomach.Ā 
When he reaches your legs, he gets off the bed, kneels on the floor and hooks his arms around your thighs to pull you towards him. You feel exposed when he uses his thumbs to spread you, staring at your pussy with wide eyes, his lips parted a little until his head falls back with a groan.Ā 
ā€œMissed this pussy. Been thinking about it so much, all the time. So beautiful, baby.ā€ He manages to drag his gaze from between your legs to lock eyes with you. ā€œYouā€™re so beautiful, baby.ā€ His lips touch your thighs, kissing the soft skin there, sucking marks into it and biting softly. The sting is subtle but it makes you clench, a movement that isnā€™t lost on him. ā€œYouā€™re so needy, huh? You want me that bad?ā€ he asks, looking up with a tilted head.Ā 
You mumble the word ā€˜noā€™ and shake your head. ā€œNeed you.ā€ The words come out of their own accord, nothing more than a desperate whine that makes Heeseung press his eyes shut. You watch as he shifts on the floor, leaning in and giving you the attention you deserve.Ā 
Heeseungā€™s nose grazes your slit and you gasp at the sudden contact, flinging your head back into the pillows when he licks a strip from there to your clit, giving it a quick peck.Ā 
You card your fingers through his hair, gripping at the strands so hard it must hurt, but he doesnā€™t seem to mind, going slow despite the way youā€™re trying to rut against his face. He kisses the spot above your clit, his tongue poking out to lick at the skin there, only hitting the bud a few times and the anticipation is enough to make you spiral.Ā 
Time stands still, all concept of it demolished when, finally, he wraps his lips around your swollen clit, running his tongue over it with a pressure that leaves you shaking against the sheets. Moans pour out of you like water from a faucet with nothing but pleasure and Heeseungā€™s sweet mouth crossing your mind.Ā 
It doesnā€™t seem like heā€™s ever going to stop, only coming up for air for a brief moment before sticking a finger into you and attaching his mouth to your clit, burying himself in your wetness. The stretch is minimal, barely registering in the waves of pleasure crashing over you, until he adds a second finger, thick and rigid as he works you open for him. By the time his third finger enters, you have to pull him away by his hair, struggling to find the words to say and settling on a whiny cry of his name.
ā€œHmm?ā€ He looks up at you, face covered in slick that shines on his chin and nose, shoulders rising and falling heavily, but his fingers donā€™t let up, curling towards your belly button torturously slow.
ā€œWant to cum with you inside.ā€
Heeseungā€™s eyes darken and he licks his lips. ā€œYeah?ā€Ā 
ā€œUh-huh, and I donā€™t want you using a condom either, want you to fill me up.ā€
ā€œAre you sure?ā€Ā 
You nod. ā€œIā€™m still on the pill and youā€™re the only person Iā€™ve ever been with.ā€
Heeseung wastes no time standing up from the floor, watching hungrily as you sigh at the emptiness, moving up on the bed. He uses his fist to pump his cock slowly, sighing when he drags his thumb over his tip. A beat passes before he grins, boyish and handsome while crawling over you again. His face softens and his eyes burn into yours as he cups your cheek in his palm. ā€œYou sure about this?ā€Ā 
ā€œIā€™m sure, Heeseung, youā€™re all I want,ā€ you whisper, pecking his lips.Ā 
ā€œMe too.ā€Ā 
He uses his free hand to reach for his cock, rubbing his tip over your clit and chewing on his lip. He lets his cock split your folds, grinding his length against you, rubbing your cunt with a wet sound that fills the room. Heeseung straightens up and you moan when he spits into his palm, stroking himself before pressing the head of his cock to your entrance. You hold your breath, bracing for the stretch and crying out when he pushes in. His head falls forward with a sigh, his hair tickling your forehead.
ā€œI missed you,ā€ he groans when he bottoms out, his thumb running over your lips. A moan slips out of him when you open your mouth, running your thumb over the pad of his finger and sucking on it. ā€œMissed these pretty lips, this pussy. Donā€™t know how I got on without it.ā€ His words and the feeling of him inside after so long only make you dizzy, knowing that he wanted you like you wanted him. He watches you with parted lips, rocking his hips tenderly against yours.Ā 
ā€œFaster, Hee,ā€ you whisper. ā€œHarder.ā€Ā 
Heeseungā€™s brows knit together and he slows to a pace that lets you feel single vein and inch of him as he bottoms out before pulling almost all the way out. ā€œCan you take it?ā€ he asks, a jarring tone to his voice that you think is a challenge.Ā 
You nod desperately. ā€œPlease.ā€Ā 
The word flips a switch for him and he speeds up, thrusting so hard, so deep that your back arches off the bed as his tip nudges your g-spot each time. Just when it all starts to feel too much, Heeseung lifts one of your legs, hitting deeper than he has before and tangling up a knot in your stomach.Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re so good, baby, so good for me.ā€ His eyes are dark and lidded, full of all the love in the world as he gazes into yours, a tangible love that overwhelms you, eating you alive along with his praise.
Sweltering heat stretches through every part of your body at the drag of him inside, the push and pull of his cock along your stuttering walls. Itā€™s enough to make you shiver and a cry of his name rips out of you when he starts rubbing your clit again, pushing the bud in slow circles that make you screw your eyes shut.Ā 
ā€œThatā€™s it. Cum for me, baby, make a mess,ā€ he whispers and thatā€™s as much as you can take.Ā 
Stars flash behind your closed eyes as every single part of your body sets alight, dazed by Heeseungā€™s whines and the feeling of being full, finally being full, until both ends of the knot tug and tug, leaving you with nothing but a hoarse moan that dies in your throat as your orgasm hits you like a truck.Ā 
A lewd squelch accompanies each of his thrusts as they get sloppier and sloppier, losing their rhythm and intensity. It seems like heā€™s right there with you though when he collapses on top of you, his head falling into the crook of your neck and his moans slipping out like music to your ears.
Itā€™s hard not to fall apart under him, but you try your best, dragging your nails over the toned muscles of his back while telling him you love him over and over until he finishes. Both of you are trembling, fighting for breath and whining as Heeseung sloppily fucks you full of his cum. The sound is downright pornographic, loud and wet as your cum mixes with his for the first time in so long. An inexplicable intimacy so thick it hangs in the air, perching on your shoulders as he looks into your eyes.Ā 
Heeseung slows down after a while, stopping completely but not pulling out yet, keeping you full and aching around him. When he catches his breath, he gives you a dreamy smile, thanking you before pressing soft kisses to every part of your face he can reach.Ā 
You whine when he pulls out, missing him as soon as heā€™s gone. Despite your sensitivity, you want to beg him to come back, to slip back into you and stay forever, though Heeseung has other plans. He sits between your legs, dragging a lazy finger up your slit and watching with a smile as cum leaks out. You squirm against the sheets, pushing your head into the pillow when he uses two fingers to push it back in.
ā€œWish I could keep you full like this forever,ā€ he mumbles absently, curling his fingers.Ā 
All you can do is sigh happily. Long minutes go by until he takes his fingers out of you, reaching behind him for his shirt to wipe you up before leaning down to your face, mumbling against your lips to come and shower with him.
Youā€™ve never showered with Heeseung before and a voice in your head tells you to press your cheek against the tile and let him have you again, but youā€™re way too sleepy for that. The warmth of the water and his big hands roaming your body do nothing to help, only forcing your eyes to fall shut as you lean back against Heeseungā€™s chest, willing yourself to stay awake.Ā 
Once youā€™re all showered and clean, you only feel sleepier, standing on the plush bath mat in front of the steamed-up mirror. Droplets of water trickle down your skin and you canā€™t help but revel in the warmth of the room around you. Wrapped snugly in a soft, fluffy towel, you find yourself too tired to follow Heeseung out, slathering some of the expensive moisturiser Jay keeps in the bathroom over your skin. You peer into the mirror, though you donā€™t see much, and for a moment, itā€™s just you and the steady trickle of water from the showerhead. The bathroom smells like Heeseungā€™s minty shower gel and you miss him already, but you take your time anyway, savouring the moment and everything that came before it.Ā 
You find him in his room when youā€™re done, tucking the last corner of a fitted sheet around his mattress.Ā 
ā€œYou want to nap, baby?ā€ he asks when he sees you, holding out a clean shirt for you to wear.Ā 
ā€œMm,ā€ you hum, nodding your head and dropping the towel so he can put the shirt over your head.Ā 
ā€œLet me just fix the pillowcases, yeah?ā€Ā 
You nod, slumping into his desk chair and watching the muscles in his back shift and flex as he moves around the room, dumping the dirty bedding into his laundry basket and slipping the clean linen over his pillows. He pulls the duvet back and pats the mattress, grinning when you shake your head and make grabby hands in his direction,Ā 
Heeseung stretches his arms above his head and comes over to you but you stop him before he can pick you up.Ā 
ā€œIā€™m going grocery shopping with Yunjin later and I need a pound for the trolley, do you have any?ā€ you ask through a yawn.Ā 
He scratches his chin, thinking about it. ā€œIf I do, theyā€™re in my wallet,ā€ he says, reaching for it on the desk and handing it to you before taking a seat on the end of his bed.Ā 
When you pull on the zipper to open the coin slot, you find a shiny pound coin and a folded piece of lined paper. You leave the coin where it is and hold the paper between two fingers for him to see. ā€œWhatā€™s this?ā€Ā 
Immediately, he hides his face with his hands but you can still see the flush on his ears. Youā€™re not sure what reaction you were expecting, but despite your curiosity, you wonā€™t look at it if he doesnā€™t want you to. ā€œSorry, baby,ā€ you say, putting it back. ā€œForget I asked.ā€Ā 
Heeseung sighs, looking up at you through the gaps in his fingers. ā€œYou can look if you want, itā€™s nothing bad, just mildly humiliating.ā€Ā 
Nervous anticipation settles over your body and you canā€™t help but laugh a little, feeling your breath catch in your throat when you unfold the crumpled and creased paper. Itā€™s blank. You arch a curious brow at Heeseung, who, though still slightly embarrassed, gestures for you to turn it over.Ā 
What meets your eyes on the other side leaves you stunned. There, inked in blue with delicate care yet bearing the natural imperfections of a hand-drawn butterfly, was a familiar image. Itā€™s the very same butterfly you drew in your notebook on a spring date with him four years ago. Your fingers tremble as you trace the lines, your heart racing as you remember how heā€™d torn it from the page, eyes full of appreciation for the simple drawing.Ā 
Tears well up in your eyes when it dawns on you. Itā€™s the very same butterfly he has tattooed on his hip, a permanent reminder of your love that endured separation and time.Ā 
Your voice is weak as you look up at him, quivering with emotion. ā€œYou kept it after all these years,ā€ you whisper.
Heeseung smiles, his eyes full of love. ā€œI never let go of what matters to me.ā€Ā 
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Ā© zreamy (2023), all rights reserved. do not repost, translate, or plagiarise my work. do let my know your thoughts !
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azrielslittleslut Ā· 1 month ago
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I have a lil angst/fluff request if your still taking them. Its a single dad azriel x reader. Where he had a baby with Elain but she took off with Lucien and she left Az with the baby (lets say baby is 6 months old and has no wings). Az is kinda freakin out cuz babies and him hes a lil scared on what to do. While on a mission in day court Az then meets reader who has the most beautiful white feathered wings and hes instantly mesmerized. Hes there for such a short amount of time so he decides to shoot his shot and lands himself a few dates (not once mentioning hes a father). He notices once or twice that reader will not engage or awknowledge babies when or if they smile and coo at her, but he thinks nothing of it. On his last night in the Day Court the bond snaps for him ( but not for her) and hes so so freakin happy, he invites her to Velaris to visit his family and meet his son. Hes a lil nervous about it and when he finally introduces them shes so cold and distant, wont even hold the baby or look at him. She flys back home that same night and tells Az some lame excuse that hes nice but he should have started out saying he had a son. Anyway long story short turns out that she had struggled to have a baby with her husband, and when it finally happend she had a rough birth but holding her baby in her arms was worth the wait.
*Trigger warning*
In the end she felt she failed as a mother and couldnt protect her baby from an enemy she had made from being her husband had also died trying to protect their child, so seeing children was just too painful for her and so she tried to avoid at all costs. I see it going both ways Az waiting yrs for her to heal and coming back for her, Or Az and them working and healing together, You can end however you see fit, or not at all of its too triggering. I just hardley ever see single dad Az freaking out over a lil baby. And scared af reader.
"Wounds"
Azriel x Fem!Reader
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Warnings: talk of child loss/difficult pregnancy, angst, language, fluff, Az being a worried dad, slight Elain slander, happy ending:)
Word Count: 7.8k
a/n: anon, i know this took ages, but i wanted to get it right. i personally have never experienced this, but i hope i did it justice. my thoughts go out to everyone on here who has experienced child loss or hard pregnancies! <3
Enjoy!
"Please stop crying. Please," Azriel begged, his eyes looking worriedly down at the bundle in his arms. No amount of coddling or singing or rocking seemed to soothe the baby, and he was at his wit's end with exhaustion. He held his son close, savoring the warmth radiating from him. "Come on, Ky. What do you need?"
Kyrell, or Ky for short, looked up at Az, his eyes full of tears. His eyes were dark brown, just like his mother's, and Azriel felt a sharp pang in his chest every time he looked at his son. Those eyes brought back memories full of joy, but mostly pain. Azriel couldn't stop his mind from going back to a little over a year ago, back to that day that had changed everything.
"Are you sure, Elain?" Azriel asked, his voice full of anxiety. His shadows swirled around him, sensing the stress of their master. "Have you talked to Madja?"
Elain squared her shoulders, her face like stone. "Madja was the one who confirmed it. I am sure." She rested a hand over her flat belly. "She said I'm only a few weeks along, but she doesn't think the babe has wings."
Az felt a rush of relief wash through his body. He didn't want to remember what had happened with Feyre, and he would rather die than watch Elain suffer the same way. "Are you... happy? I mean, this was unplanned. We were so careful... I don't know how this happened."
They had both been taking the contraceptive tonic, not willing to take any risks since they were so secretive about their relationship. How had this happened?
Elain took a step forward and took his hands in hers. "I am happy, Az. I've always wanted to be a mother," she said, her voice soft. "Yes, this is unexpected, but this baby is a sign of our love. The outcome of a wonderful and beautiful joining that even the cauldron itself couldn't stop."
Azriel's heart swelled in his chest. He pulled his hand from hers, lowering it to rest on her belly. He could already imagine the life growing inside of her, the future they would have together. He pulled her into his arms and pressed a kiss to her hair. "I don't know how to be a father," he admitted. "But we can figure it out together."
Elain wrapped her arms around his waist, careful of his wings. "Together," she agreed.
Those had been fake words and empty promises. Only a few days after Ky's birth, Elain had disappeared quite literally into the night, leaving everything she owned in the townhouse. Az had returned from a short mission in Winter Court to his son crying in his crib and a note on the nightstand saying that Elain had left to be with Lucien. That she had decided to accept the bond and live with him. That she wanted to leave Azriel and their son to live a happy and carefree life.
Unfortunately, being the single father of a newborn didn't give Azriel much time to grieve, or even be angry, about what happened. So he had done what he always did and buried his feelings deep down into his soul. He had a baby to take care of, and he was afraid of what could happen if he let himself feel.
Ky's wail tore through the room, bringing Azriel back to the present. He had cried like this almost every night for the last few weeks, and Azriel couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't cut out to be a father. He couldn't do this. He should have been more careful with Elain. He should have-
"He's teething," Feyre said from the doorway. She made her way into the room, her footsteps light. "They cry like that when they're teething."
Azriel looked down at Ky as he said, "Does that... hurt them?" He ignored how stupid the question sounded as he asked it.
Feyre smiled softly as she held her hands out. "It's uncomfortable for them, and crying is the only way they can tell you. May I?" she asked, her brows raised in expectation. "I do have some experience with this, you know."
Azriel gently handed Ky to Feyre, his wings drooping to the floor. He had moved into the River House after Elain had left. He had tried to do things on his own, not wanting to inconvenience his family. But after a few weeks of not sleeping, or eating for that matter, Rhys and Feyre had all but dragged him into their home, stating that if he didn't move in with them, they would order it as his High Lord and High Lady.
It had been difficult at first, but now he was so thankful for their help. They knew how to raise a baby because of Nyx, and he gladly accepted any advice they offered. They kept their distance, though, allowing Az to figure out fatherhood on his own.
"I'm sorry if he woke you," Az said quietly. "How long does this last?"
Feyre smiled down at Ky, her hand running over his tuft of black hair. "Until their teeth come in." She looked up at Az, and her face hardened as she saw his expression. "This is normal, Az. Healthy, even. It means he's growing, which is a good thing. But for tonight, Rhys is whipping together a salve we used on Nyx to help with the pain. He should have it ready in the next few minutes."
Azriel released a breath, his shadows moving to swirl around Ky. His shadows loved his son, loved swirling around him to make him giggle. "Thank you," Az murmured to Feyre. "For... for all of this. I don't think I would be standing if it weren't for you and Rhys."
Feyre smiled, her eyes bright with emotion. "You're welcome, Az. I would never let one of my closest friends and nephew suffer." She winked at him. "Besides, who else would babysit while you go on a mission?"
Right, his missions. Since Ky had been born, Azriel had gone on a few missions, but he had reluctantly learned how to delegate the harder ones to his spies. He couldn't risk something happening to him now that he had a son to raise, so he only took the easier ones, and he was never gone for more than two days.
"Ky does love to play with Nyx," Azriel murmured quietly as if that was a good enough reason for his son to be left here while he was gone. What would Az do when Ky got older? How would he explain to him the details of his job to his son? What if Ky didn't-
Az was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't realize Feyre had moved closer to him. "Speaking of missions," she said quietly, her voice low. "Rhys needs you to go to Day Court. Nothing serious, of course. Just routine surveillance."
Azriel nodded distantly, his mind going numb. "Of course. I can leave in the morning." His mind was already racing, preparing to become the shadowsinger and spymaster of the Night Court and not a scared single father.
Feyre smiled softly, her hand cradling Ky's tiny head. "Don't worry about Ky. We will watch him."
For a few moments, the world narrowed down to his sleeping son in his High Lady's arms. He looked so vulnerable and frail, and Az was overcome with a wave of anger and rage.
How could Elain do this to him? Azriel didn't care if she felt nothing for him, but how could she look at this perfect child and decide to leave?
Azriel locked those feelings away as fast as they came, choosing to ignore them rather than face them head-on. "I'll get the details from Rhys in the morning," he said finally. "A routine trip to Day Court can't be that difficult."
---
It turned out that a routine trip to Day Court could be that difficult. Immediately upon arrival, Azriel quickly realized how much training his spies here lacked. He had spent hours rehashing the basicsā€”how to blend into a crowd, how to remain silent in the shadows. These spies were supposed to be his eyes and ears, yet they couldnā€™t even follow the simplest of protocols.
Most infuriating of all, they hadnā€™t been sharing information with each other. One claimed to know about the political shifts happening within the Day Court, but when pressed, they admitted it was only rumors. Another had no idea about the movements of the courtā€™s key players. It was as if they were all operating independently, blind to the larger picture.
Prythian was shifting, changing, and these people had failed to notice. Azrielā€™s temples pulsed with a dull ache, the constant incompetence chipping away at his already thinning patience. How had it gotten this bad? How had they let things slip so far?
By the time the sun dipped low in the sky, casting a golden glow over the streets of the Day Court, he was no longer hiding in the shadows. There was no point. His headache had grown unbearable, a sharp reminder of how much he longed to be somewhere elseā€”anywhere else. He thought of his son. He missed him fiercely, the boyā€™s infant giggle, the way his tiny hands would reach up for him when he returned home.
But now, he was trapped in this beautiful, sunlit prison, surrounded by spies who couldnā€™t even spy. The thought made him grit his teeth.
He had just turned the corner onto another street when he was stopped in his tracks. Before him stood the most beautiful female he had ever seen, but what caught his attention was her feathery white wings. They shimmered faintly in the sunlight, as if they had been dipped in iridescent powder.
"Hey, watch it asshole!" The yell came from a disgruntled bystander who didn't appear to be happy with Azriel's sudden stop in the middle of the busy street. With another curse, the bystander made their way around Azriel's hulking form, so obviously out of place here in Day.
Azriel shrugged it off, taking a step forward to keep walking down the street, but he was stopped by the sound of a lovely female voice.
"It's not every day we get someone from the Night Court around here," the female said with a smile.
Azriel blinked. It seemed that the commotion on the street had been loud enough to catch the beautiful female's attention. She now stood before him, her white wings tucked in tight.
"Am I that obvious?" Azriel asked finally. He had years of practice at blending in, and this female had called him out immediately.
She chuckled, the sound soft like wind chimes. "Well, black isn't really a Day Court color. And," she said, gesturing to his wings, "I don't know of another court that has winged males."
Azriel shrugged nonchalantly. "You never know. Maybe I'm from a court nobody has ever heard of. I could be an undiscovered creature, here to make a home in Day Court."
Azriel had always been good with females, never struggling to use his charms and looks to woo them. Hell, he usually didn't have to even say anything.
But right now, he honestly didn't know what the fuck he was saying. An undiscovered creature? If Cassian ever heard about this...
The female laughed again, this time tipping her head back. Azriel was mesmerized by the sound, his chest tingling. "You're not a creature," she said matter-of-factly. "You're Azriel. The shadowsinger."
Az crossed his arms, his eyes looking at the female warily. "You've heard of me?" He knew he had a reputation in Prythian, and it wasn't a good one. Normally, it wouldn't bother him if others knew what he did, but something about this female made him want to fall to his knees and repent for all of the wrongs he had done.
"Of course I have. You fought in the War." She was smiling at him, her cheeks dimpling slightly. "Besides, I've always been curious about shadowsingers, so it's only right that I would know about the only one alive."
His shadows were swarming him now, despite the bright sun. We like her, they whispered to him. She is different than the others.
Az cleared his throat, his eyes on her wings "Your wings... I've never seen any like that before."
She looked over her shoulder at her wings. "I got them from my mother, or so my father says. I wouldn't know. She died when I was young, and I don't remember her very well." Despite the dark turn of the conversation, her tone was light, her smile still plastered on her beautiful face.
Azriel found himself smiling slightly. "Well, they are very beautiful." He felt a blush creep onto his cheeks as the compliment left his lips, but her bright smile washed it away.
"Thank you, Azriel," she responded, her eyes bright. She tilted her head as one of his shadows wrapped itself around her wrists. "I like your shadows," she said with a giggle.
His shadows never acted like this with anyone, not even Elain. With Ky, they were protective mother hens, but now, they almost seemed... enamored.
Azriel was not usually the type of male to ask a female out who he had quite literally just met. But he knew he would hate himself if he didn't at least offer her dinner, so after a few moments of watching his shadows swirl around her, he asked, "Would you like to join me for dinner tonight?"
She looked up from his shadows, her brows raised. She sheepishly bit her lip as her wings twitched. "I would," she said. She offered him her hand, rings glinting on her fingers. "I'm Y/N, by the way. I figured you would ask my name before asking me out on a date, but I have always heard of the strange Night Court customs."
Azriel took her hand, fighting the urge to look at his scarred skin against her perfect flesh. "My apologies. I, uh, I-" He struggled to come up with an excuse for his lack of manners, but he came up short.
She patted him on the shoulder gently. "I can forgive you. As long as you pay." She clicked her tongue, looking past him to the shops lining the streets. "Day Court is amazing, but I swear it has the most expensive food..."
Azriel smiled as he listened to her ramble on, following her as she made her way through the crowd. His shadows still swarmed her, but she didn't seem to mind.
After all, it was only one date, and then he would go back to the Night Court... and to his beloved son.
---
One date turned into three, and Azriel couldn't help but admit to himself how much fun he was having. He had not laughed this hard in ages, and even though he had only known her for two days, he felt more open and seen than ever.
He had told her all about his training in the camps, the wars, the Inner Circle. She had listened intently, even diving into her own life. It turns out that she worked at a small bookshop in the city, and she had two roommates in a small townhouse.
She seemed to have such a simple, perfect life, and Azriel found himself full of envy. He tried to fight it, but as he listened to her talk about her daily routines, he wondered what it would be like to live such a life.
"Why were you up at three in the morning, anyway?" she said with a laugh. They were walking down the streets, enjoying the quietness that came with nighttime in the Day Court. "Most people are asleep then."
Azriel paused for a moment. He had been telling her of the time he had found Cassian eating an entire chocolate cake with his bare hands in the kitchen. He had been up because Ky had been crying, and he had wandered into the kitchen for a bottle, only to find a chocolate-covered Cassian and a pissed of Nesta.
Azriel had told her many things, more than he had ever told anyone, but he left out the fact he had a son. He didn't know how to bring that up, afraid she would judge him, or worse... take pity on him for his unfortunate situation. The thought of someone feeling sorry for him twisted his stomach, and he wasn't ready to see that look in her eyes.
"I couldn't sleep," he said at last. "What? They don't have midnight snacks here in the Day Court?"
She rolled her eyes playfully. "Midnight snacks, yes. Three-in-the-morning snacks, absolutely not."
"Well, you're missing out. You should really try-"
Azriel was cut off as a young fae female walked up. She was pretty, with pointed ears and bright red hair. In her arms, she held a small child, no older than two or three. The child was wrapped in a pink blanket, sleeping soundly against the female's chest.
Azriel's heart clenched as a wave of homesickness swept over him. He missed Ky terribly. He knew he was doing alright, thanks to his earlier check-in with Rhys and Feyre, but he longed to be the one holding his baby. He could almost feel the weight of his son in his arms, the scent of him, the way his little hands would reach for Azriel in the middle of the night.
"Y/N!" the female greeted, her tone warm. "I haven't seen you around in ages! How have you been?"
Azriel's companion smiled, but he could see something dark in her eyes. "I've been... good." Her voice was tighter than usual, all signs of her earlier laughter gone. "And you?"
"Oh, you know. Tired all the time, thanks to the little one crying at all hours of the night." The female smiled softly, bouncing the child gently in her arms.
Azriel could understand that, at least. He would never forget the time he almost put his boots in the fridge instead of the milk because of his exhaustion.
"Yes, well. I've always heard motherhood can be difficult, but you look amazing- if that counts for anything." As Y/N spoke, Az noticed how she made it a point not to look at the sleeping child, keeping her eyes on her friend's face.
Perhaps, she didn't like children? Or maybe she wasn't really friends with this woman, and she was trying to appear uncomfortable to get out of the situation?
The other female's gaze lowered for a moment. "I am sorry. I.. I-" she stammered for a few moments before shaking her head, seeming to right her thoughts. "Right. Well, I'll leave you two alone." She smiled kindly at Az. "Enjoy your evening."
She quickly hurried off, leaving Azriel to stare at Y/N. "Are you alright?" he asked lowly, daring to place a gentle hand on her arm. Her gaze had gone nearly vacant, and he decided he would do anything to bring back the warmth from earlier.
She blinked whatever emotion she was fighting away. "I'm fine. That woman is always driving me up the walls. Always coming into my store, asking if I can spare any free books."
Azriel nodded, but something told him there was more to the story. He decided not to press it. "Shall we?" he asked, offering her his arm.
The two of them made their way down the street, once again laughing and carrying on as if nothing had happened. But there was still a shadow there, a voice telling him that there were still pieces of her that he didn't understand.
---
The mating bond snapping into place took Azriel completely by surprise. It was Azriel's last night in the Day Court, and she had been showing him her bookstore.
She had handed him a new arrival, her eyes alight with passion, when he had felt that snap inside of his chest. He had stumbled back into a shelf, his wings pushed against the wood, his hand on his chest. He was still struggling to breathe as she leaned over him, her voice soft.
"Azriel?" she asked, her tone full of worry. "Are you alright? Let me go get you some water-"
Mate. You are my mate. His thoughts were drowned out by a deafening ringing in his ears, and it took all of his self-control to not blurt them out in a fit of happiness.
After he regulated his breathing, Az forced himself to stand upright. "I'm fine," he murmured, his eyes on her face. She was looking at him with worry and shock, her arms out to catch him in case he stumbled again. "Are you- do you feel anything?"
Her brows furrowed as she shook her head. "No. Other than worrying about you tearing down my new bookshelf," she said, but there was a teasing smile on her lips.
I guess the bond only snapped for me, Azriel thought to himself. It made sense, of course, but it would make things a lot less complicated if she felt it, too.
It was in that moment that Azriel decided that she needs to see all of him. Where he comes from, his family... his son. If she wanted to be his mate, it would be on her terms, not his.
He ignored the voices plaguing his mind, telling him that this wonderful female would never choose him, especially once she realized the baggage he carried. No, he let himself feel this happiness, the first true happiness he had felt in a long time.
His mate. He had found his mate.
"You know tonight is my last night here," he said, taking a step toward her. "But, maybe we can have more nights together?"
She had been in the process of placing the book on a table, but her hand stopped as she heard his words. "What do you mean?"
Azriel bit his lip as nervousness filled his chest. "I mean I would like to take you to the Night Court. Just for a visit, of course." He smiled at her, feeling awkward for the first time in centuries. "So you can see all of the strange rituals we have there."
For a moment, Az thought she would decline. Her face paled slightly, and her lips tightened. But eventually, a beautiful smile bloomed across her face, like the sun rising at dawn.
"I would like that," she said cheerfully. "I haven't left Day in a while. Are you wanting to leave tonight?"
He thought his heart would beat out of his chest with happiness, but he forced his voice to remain steady. "We could, as long as you have everything in order here with the store."
She placed the book on the table and took his hands in hers. "I can talk to my roommates. They can keep eyes on the place while we're gone. I need a vacation, anyways."
Azriel laughed, the sound deep and joyous. He gestured a hand toward the door. "After you," he said. "I've been wanting to see what those wings look like in flight."
---
Her wings were the most beautiful things he had ever laid his eyes on. Even though it was dark, they shimmered under the moonlight, their color shifting to silver.
They laughed as they flew, and Az was surprised at how well she could keep up with him. She was able to follow his maneuvers expertly, dipping and rolling along with him. He made it a point to ask her who she was trained by later.
The River House was quiet when they landed. His shadows alerted him to the fact that Rhys, Feyre, Nyx, Ky, Nesta, and Cassian were all inside, having just finished dinner.
"It seems that everyone is here," he murmured to her, taking her hand in his as he walked up the steps. "This is your last chance to turn back."
She pulled her eyes away from her surroundings long enough to look at him. "After I flew all this way? I don't think so," she said with a giggle.
He pushed the door open, his hand still in hers. He led the way into the small sitting room, the air warm and smelling of citrus and jasmine. His family was all here, seated in chairs around the fire. His eyes roamed the room, looking for Ky, and he found him sleeping in a small basket next to the fire. Nyx was sleeping next to him, the small boy having placed his hand protectively over the babe.
Azriel felt his chest ease at the sight of his son, safe and warm. He wanted to run to him, but he needed to ease his mate into this.
"Az," Rhys greeted, standing up from his chair. "We were wondering if you would be back tonight." He walked toward them, a smile on his face, but that smile faltered a little when he saw the female next to his brother. "And who is this?"
She stepped forward, radiating confidence as she introduced herself. "I'm sorry for intruding on your evening, but Azriel offered to show me around the Night Court. I've always heard lovely things about it."
Azriel met Rhys's violet stare. A stranger in Velaris, Az? Rhys asked into his mind. You were only supposed to go on a routine mission.
Azriel decided it was best not to beat around the bush. She's my mate. She means no harm. She is kind. And nice. And I wanted her to meet all of you.
Rhys nodded slightly. He raised a brow. Everyone?
Azriel glanced over at Ky. Everyone, he responded.
Rhys must have communicated with Feyre, because she gracefully walked over to Ky, sweeping him gently up in her arms. She smiled affectionately at Nyx as she moved over to Azriel. "He's been sleeping well," she whispered. "And eating well. I swear he's gained ten pounds since you were gone."
Azriel could no longer deny his paternal instincts, so he quickly took Ky in his arms, savoring the warmth radiating from his small body. "Did you miss me, little one?" he murmured to him as his shadows swarmed the baby, searching for any sign of distress or harm.
Azriel turned, a smile on his face as he found his mate's face. He expected her to be curious, or shocked, at the sight of a baby in his arms.
But nothing could have prepared him for the look of raw pain on her face as she looked at Azriel and Ky. "Who is that." It wasn't a question. Her voice was hard and tight, and Az swore she was holding back tears.
"This is Ky," he said gently, worry and fear creeping in as he took in her expression. "My son."
She quickly tore her eyes away, searching around the room. They fell on Nyx, who was still sleeping soundly on the floor, and she stepped back as a gasp flew from her lips.
Azriel could sense the unease radiating off Rhys and Feyre, already preparing themselves to defend their family. Cassian and Nesta stood next to each other on the far side of the room, their backs straight, their eyes holding predatory intent.
It was only Azriel, who was still holding Ky, who forced himself to remain calm. "Would- would you like to hold him? He's quite small, but he's so warm and-"
"NO!" she screamed, her body trembling as she stepped backward toward the door. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she covered her face with her hands. "I can't. No. No. No."
Feyre quickly stepped forward, taking Ky out of Azriel's arms. Calm her down. Now, Azriel, she whispered into his mind, but it was the voice of the High Lady.
"Come on," he muttered to his mate, reaching for her arm to pull her outside. "Let's go outside." She didn't fight him as he hauled her through the door and down the steps. The night air was cold, but Azriel didn't feel it.
He could only feel pain, anger, rage, and a hurt like no other. What had he said or done to send her into this kind of panic? Was the thought of him being a father truly so horrible?
Once they were outside, she ripped herself out of his grasp. "I'm going home." Her voice was distant now, devoid of any emotion.
He moved to step in front of her, his eyes pleading. "Please. Let me explain all of this-"
She pushed him out of the way, her wings unfurling as she prepared to take flight. "You're a nice male, Azriel," she said. "I... like you. I do. But you should have told me about this. About him."
Azriel fought the urge to snarl at her tone when speaking about his son. "Is it really that bad that I'm a father?" Though he was angry, his voice came out broken.
She looked at him then, her eyes softening slightly. "No. It's the fact that you don't understand. You could never understand."
"Then tell me! Help me understand!"
She shook her head as she pushed off the ground, his wings catching the air, hauling her up. "Goodbye, Azriel."
Her voice carried on the wind as Azriel watched her take off into the night, taking a piece of his heart with her.
---
1 year later
"Come on, Ky. You can do it!" Azriel encouraged, his hands out to catch Ky. The Velaris sun was blinding, but Az kept his attention on his boy, not daring to miss the sight of him taking his first steps.
Ky was standing on small, wobbly knees, his tiny face scrunched up in determination. He took a small step forward, then another, and another-
"Gods! You're doing it, son!" Azriel exclaimed in happiness.
Ky took one more step before his tiny legs gave out, but Azriel was there to catch him, as he always would be. He swooped him up, pressing a kiss to his chubby cheek. "I'm glad to know you got that determination from me, at least," he said to Ky.
Ky gave him a toothy smile as he giggled, his attention already captured by Az's shadows as they swarmed him, seeming to offer their own form of praise.
In the last year, Azriel had heard nothing from Elain. He had heard from his spies that she and Lucien had welcomed their own child into the world, a little girl who Azriel had not bothered to learn the name of.
A year ago, he would have been heartbroken beyond repair at the thought of Elain choosing to start a family with another male, even though she already had a family here. But since then, Azriel had taken the time to heal, choosing to let go of any bitterness and anger.
Ky deserved better than having a father who was pissed off at the world, and Az had vowed to himself to be the best father the world had seen. He didn't know what a good father looked like, but he was learning, and he had Rhys and Cass and the rest of his family to help him.
There was one part of his healing that he was struggling with though- his mate. The female who had quite literally flown off into the night at the sight of Ky. Az had not heard from her since that night, so he never got an explanation as to why.
He tried not to hold it against her, hoping that, if they were meant to be together, things would work out in the end.
"Uncle Azriel!" Nyx's voice, though the boy was small, boomed across the lawn. "Want me to take Ky in for his nap?" Nyx was the best cousin to Ky, always making sure the boy was eating and sleeping properly.
Hell, sometimes he was even more on top of things than Azriel was.
"Sure," Azriel said, placing Ky in Nyx's arms. "He just took his first steps. He deserves to rest."
Nyx's eyes widened. "He took his first steps and I missed it?" He blew out a breath. "You should have called for me!"
Azriel chuckled as he ruffled Nyx's black hair. "Sorry, kid. At least you were there for his first word."
In fact, Nyx had been the first word Ky had said. Of course, it had sounded more like "Byx" than anything else, but Nyx had gloated about it for days afterward.
Azriel watched Nyx carry Ky into the house, smiling to himself. It was moments like this that he was thankful for his life. Things had gotten better, so much better. He had a family now, a place where he belonged. A son, a perfect boy who looked just like him-
His thoughts were cut short as he heard soft wing beats from above. Not Illyrian wings, he realized, but something softer, like feathers.
Azriel squinted into the sun, watching small shape grow closer and closer, until the small body of a female landed in front of him.
But it wasn't any female. It was his mate.
"Hello, Azriel," she said, her voice soft. Her face was full of nervousness, and she was biting her lip and wringing her hands. She tucked her wings in tight. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
For a moment, Azriel could only blink at her. She's here. She's really here.
"No. No. Of course not," he blurted out, taking a step toward her. His shadows swarmed her, just as they had when they first met. She smiled down at them, but the smile didn't meet her eyes. "Why are you here? Are you in danger?"
She shook her head, her hair falling around her shoulders. "No. I'm fine. Everything is fine." She went back to biting her lip again as she spoke. "I've been thinking... I think you deserve an explanation of what happened last year. I owe you that. The way I reacted was wrong, and I want to explain."
"You don't owe me anything," Az said, running a hand through his hair. "I should have told you about Ky. It was wrong of me to force him onto you like that."
She smiled again. "No. You did nothing wrong. I don't know your situation, but..." She took a step forward, craning her head up to look at him. "I would like to hear about it now if you want to tell me. I promise not to fly away again."
Despite himself, Azriel laughed. He angled his head over to a small table and chairs Feyre had set up on the east end of the house. "We can talk over there," he said. "Nobody will disturb us."
The two of them walked in silence, the soft wind rustling through the trees. Azriel was nervous, not knowing what to say to carry on an easy conversation. He could feel the unease radiating from his mate, so he decided it was best to keep his mouth shut.
ā€œYou go first,ā€ she said once they had situated themselves in the chairs. ā€œMy story isā€¦ well- just go first, Az. Please.ā€ Her voice trembled at the end of her sentence, her eyes watery.
Azriel reached a hand over and laid it atop her own, squeezing gently. He took a deep breath before letting the painful story spill from his lips. He told her of Elain and the short romance that had followed the War. He told her of Ky's birth and the disaster that had followed. He spoke to her of his feelings, the feelings that he had not spoken to anyone, not even his family.
By the end, silent tears were streaming down his face, and he sucked in a breath as she gently reached over and wiped them away, her face full of understanding.
"She just... left?" she asked, her voice full of something like wonder, as if she couldn't understand how a mother could do that to her child. "And you've been raising Ky on your own?"
Azriel nodded once. "Well, mostly on my own. My family has been helping me, but that hasn't made it easy."
She took a deep breath, her eyes on his face. "I am sorry that happened. I don't think I would have survived that, if I were in your position." She paused for a moment, biting her lip.
"You don't have to tell me your story, you know," Azriel said, his tone gentle. "Believe me, I understand that some things are... difficult to discuss."
"I was married once," she said abruptly, her eyes moving to look at the city. "We were so happy together, but we were only missing one thing. A child."
Azriel's heart stuttered inside his chest as she spoke. He forced his face to neutrality, not wanting the warring emotions inside his mind to scare her.
She continued on, her voice vacant, "We tried for years to get pregnant, but it wasn't easy for us. We had so many false positives, and each time it happened, I felt as if a piece of my heart broke. We finally gave up, so we were surprised when I got pregnant a few years later."
"We were happy, so happy... but I had a hard pregnancy. By the third month, I was already placed on strict bedrest, completely forbidden to leave my bed except to relieve myself or get food. The labor was even worse. It took two days for our babe to arrive, but the pain and suffering was worth it to hold him in my arms. To hear his little cries and to feel him wrap his tiny hand around my finger."
Azriel watched silently as her eyes filled with tears, but he was too shocked to move. He had a horrible pit in his stomach, afraid of where this story was going.
"My family lived in peace for a few years. We had such a quiet life, you see, filled with so much love and joy... I never thought of how fast it could all be ripped away..." The tears in her eyes spilled over, coating her cheeks. "There was a male in Day Court. He was a harsh man, but he had always liked me. He was the one who taught me how to fly. He was in love with me, so he got angry when I got married, and even angrier when I had a child. I never thought he would do anything, though. I was so wrong..."
"One night, we were sleeping in our home. The male broke in and pulled my husband and me out of bed. I was so shocked, I was unable to fight, unable to do anything as I watched him go to my son's bedroom. I couldn't do anything as I watched my husband try to fight him off, only to get killed in the process. I was helpless as I listened to my boy's cries grow louder and louder, only to be silenced as he was murdered... Because of me."
She started sobbing uncontrollably, and it was all Az could do to wrap her in his arms, trying his best to shield her from the horrors of her memories.
She was breathless as she continued on, her face pressed against Azriel's chest. "What kind of mother am I? I couldn't even protect my own child when he needed me the most. I couldn't face what I had done, so I ran after that, moving into the capital city. I didn't even bury my son. There's no place I can go to honor his memory... I tried to forget my prior life, not telling anyone what had happened. My roommates don't even know."
She pulled away from him, tipping her face to look up at his. "That's why I ran, why I couldn't look at my friend's child that night. It's too painful for me to see a child. I get bombarded with these memories, and all I can see is my son's face, screaming for me to help him."
She was silent after that, her voice broken. So Azriel held her, trying to find the words. But there were really no words to offer a grieving mother. There was nothing he could say to heal these wounds.
Finally, he asked, "What was his name? Your son?"
She froze for a moment, and Azriel worried he had asked the wrong question. But she said, "Alek was his name. He..." She shook her head. "That night when I saw you with Ky... He reminds me so much of my Alek."
Azriel released a breath. "Thank you for telling me. I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like," he said quietly. "But I need you to know- nothing could ever take away the love you gave Alek, or the love he had for you. You carry that love with you, and you hold onto it." He hesitated for a moment, moving his hand up to cup her face. "I'm here. For whatever you need- whether that's to talk, or to sit and grieve. Just know you're not alone anymore."
Despite her grave expression, she smiled. "Now you're starting to sound like my mate. I was wondering when the sweet talking would start."
Azriel gaped at her, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. "You... you knew?"
She nodded. "The bond snapped for me before I flew off that night. I almost stayed, but I knew I needed time to heal before I could be the mate you deserved. So I left, and I've been working on my healing since then. I am better, but I still have hard days, so I understand if you need more time..."
Azriel cut her off with a quick kiss. "I still have hard days, too. But we can face them together. Nobody needs to deal with their problems alone. We can't let the hard days win."
She smiled, and he felt his chest warm as the life returned to her expression. "I would like that. Together," she agreed.
Azriel took a deep breath. "Would you like to see Ky? You don't have to if it will be difficult, but if you stay here..."
"I would love to," she said quietly, her eyes shining. "I'm alright. I want to meet your son."
Azriel led the way into the quiet River House, thankful that most of his family had left for the day. Once they got to Ky's room, he quietly pushed the door open, knowing he was sleeping.
"It's his nap time," he said. "It's probably best you meet him when he's not screaming his head off."
She smiled at Ky as she walked over to the crib, placing her hand on the rails. She looked up to Az, her face warm. "May I hold him?" Her voice was quiet and filled with awe.
Azriel nodded. "Of course you can, love."
Gently, she raised Ky out of the crib, cradling him to her chest. He didn't stir other than snuggling into her warmth, his small face innocent as he slept. "He looks like you," she said quietly, her eyes roaming Ky's face.
"Thank you," Azriel said proudly, a silly smile on his face.
She gasped softly as Ky wrapped his hand around his finger, his hand so small. He murmured contentedly as he slept, and Azriel realized Ky had never had this. Of course Feyre and Nesta had held him, but he had never had someone hold him with a motherly love.
Azriel's heart warmed at the sight, and he couldn't help himself as he walked over, and wrapped them tightly in his arms.
They stood there in the quiet, and Azriel swore he could hear the sounds of old wounds healing,
---
6 months later
"Where are we going, Az?" she asked, giggling as Azriel pulled her to the outskirts of the city. "There's nothing over here."
He looked back at her, offering her a wink. "That's what you think, angel."
The last six months had been filled with happiness, joy, and healing. They both had hard days, but they had been there for each other every time, honoring their promise to face it together.
Ky was growing faster than Azriel liked. He was walking and talking now, and he was even learning how to eat by himself. Just earlier this morning, Azriel had whined, complaining that his son would no longer need him soon.
She had slapped him gently on the arm. "That's what babies do, Az," she had said, kissing him gently on the cheek. "They grow, yes, but they will always need us."
She had become a mother to Ky, there was really no other way to put it. She would clean him and put him to bed, doing all the things that Azriel himself had struggled to manage with ease. A few weeks ago, Ky had called her "Mama", which caused her to cry with happiness and pain commingled.
The two of them were set to accept their mating bond next week, and Azriel couldn't be happier. They had learned so much about each other, and he had found himself falling more and more in love with this female each day. There was one thing he needed to do, though, which was why he was dragging her to this place.
On the outskirts of Velaris, there was an opening in the trees to a place where many people didn't go. At least, not those who had never experienced the loss of a loved one.
As they walked up the path, he could see the small stones poking out of the ground, their engravings holding the names of the people in the ground.
"Azriel," she said quietly, her hand tight in his, "why did you bring me to a cemetery?"
He smiled softly at her, leading her to a small stone, newer than the others, its engraving easy to read. "I wanted you to see this."
She looked at the stone, her eyes filling with tears as she read the words there.
Alek
"Forever Loved, Never Forgotten"
Though your time was brief, your light will shine in our hearts for all eternity.
In the embrace of the stars, you rest, but in our hearts, you live on.
Azriel watched her face as she read, worrying if he had chosen the right words to put on the headstone. Maybe he should have made it shorter? Was it too much?
He was pulled from his thoughts as she suddenly wrapped her arms around him, throwing her body against his. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said between sobs. "It's perfect, Az."
"I know his body isn't here, but you can come here whenever you like. To remember him," Azriel said as he held her, running his hands through her hair.
She pulled away then, her eyes bright with love. "I can't wait to be your mate," she said, smiling through the tears.
Azriel laughed, his heart full. The wounds of the past would always linger, like shadows that never fade. But with those you love by your side, even the deepest scars could begin to heal, and in their place, hope could grow.
general tag list: @quiet-loser @andreperez11 @lilah-asteria
@anarchiii @inkedinshadows @panther-girl-124
@scorpioriesling @olive-main @scarsandallaz
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ikeuverse Ā· 9 months ago
Text
NEW BEGINNINGSĀ ā€” l.heeseung
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PAIRING: dad!heeseung x fem!readerĀ  GENRES: fluff, humor, a pinch of angstĀ  WC:Ā 8.7k+
WARNINGS:Ā mention of unwanted pregnancy, turbulent relationship, drinking, some swearing. let me know if i've forgotten anything too.
SYNOPSIS: flirting with your brother's brother-in-law wasn't in your plans after returning from studying abroad. it wasn't something you were going to stop either since heeseung was the epitome of beauty. but when there's another woman's name in the story. what happens? you don't want to be caught between a betrayalā€¦ or so you thought.
NOTES:Ā i think this turned out a lot cuter than i intended. initially it was going to be very short, but i wanted to add a bit of plot and maybe add a one chapter or two to it to give more attention to yn with the little one and the development of her relationship with heeseung. i hope you like it!
part 2 | masterlist
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Studying abroad for your university degree was a dream. Spending two years in Barcelona seemed like such a distant dream, but in the blink of an eye, you were already on Spanish soil. And as if that were fast enough, those years passed so quickly that before you knew it, you were back in the apartment you shared with your younger brother.
Sighing, you threw yourself on the sofa and let the tiredness of the trip take over. Smelling the familiar scent of Jay's cologne that hadn't completely disappeared.
Being back was incredible. Now, finally, you could work in your field and be close to your family too. It hadn't been that long, but you still felt sad not just because you missed them, but because you had missed important moments with each of your family members.
Like, for example, when your parents bought their dream house. Lots of rooms to welcome their children and anyone else who wanted to sleep over. A backyard so big that it had room for your father's gardening, a swimming pool, and a small hut where your mother made a studio for whatever artistic thing she was obsessed with at the moment.
You also missed out when Jay started dating her in his final year at university. The girl was simply incredible and you got to know her over a video call, but it still wasn't the same. It was different from his older sister's attitude ā€“ even if it was a year apart ā€“ where his girlfriend would come over to your parent's house, you'd make a huge fuss and a fake scene of jealousy.
Not that you weren't jealous of Jay, but Heejin was so sweet and loving that all you could do was sigh and smile at her as she introduced herself on her cell phone screen and told you that she was looking forward to meeting you in person.
And Heejin threw such a big party as soon as you arrived. She was in charge of making the snacks and taking them to your mother's house, telling you so much about her that you were dizzy, smiling from ear to ear at the girl's excitement. Jay watched in the background, laughing now and then when you looked at him, silently congratulating you on having found someone as nice as her.
"Do you like chicken? I learned how to make this chicken paste last week and Jay loved it, I think you'll like it too" she said shyly, handing over one of the snacks she'd brought.
And she got it right. You loved it so much that you even asked Heejin to make it the next time you two met. Which never took long because she was always at her apartment with Jay or her parents' house.
It seemed that as well as being a sister-in-law, you had found a very good friend.
"I'm home" Jay announced loudly as soon as he walked through the living room door, making you abandon your thoughts completely as you jumped onto the sofa "Did I scare you?" he laughed as he looked at you, messing up your hair before walking past you and straight into the kitchen.
You stood up, walked over to where he was, and leaned against the doorframe to watch your brother get a bottle of water from the fridge.
"So" Jay turned to you, his breathing a little labored and you noticed that he was completely sweaty "I came running because it's going to rain, don't think nonsense" he warned you, noticing that your expression began to change as soon as you saw his state.
Your laughter filled the kitchen along with Jay's, and he walked over to the worktop and sat down on it.
"I didn't think anything" you held up your hands to defend yourself, biting your lower lip to hold back another laugh "I got home from mom's a while ago, I was lying there thinking about so many things."
"About what, for example?" Jay came around the counter and sat on the stool behind you. This forced you to get down and turn around to face him, watching your brother still enjoying his cold bottle of water.
"About how, even though I love Barcelona, I've missed out on a lot with you all here."
"Come on, y/n. We've already had this conversation" Jay warned.
And it was true. He knew how much you wanted to complete your fashion course abroad, but at the same time, you didn't want to leave your parents. Jay chose to stay, earning well-deserved recognition at the gastronomy school in the city itself while supporting you every second.
"I know, but I can't get this weight off of me" you pursed your lips, forming a pout that he grimaced at.
"How about we go out so you can forget about it?" Jay proposed, seeing you try to hide a smile as he leaned over the counter and took your hand "Come on, I still have some friends you know who are dying to meet you again."
"Who, for example?" you asked.
Jay seemed to think for a moment, remembering all the people from his college that you knew. Even though you only studied with Jay for a short time, it wasn't enough to get to know all his friends or maintain a lasting friendship with them. Since your brother was well known, you were afraid that he would approach you just to get to him.
"Sailor will be there" Jay shrugged, knowing that she was the first girl you'd made friends with on the design course, "and that insufferable Jake."
"Oh, my little brother will be there?" you smiled dreamily, seeing Jay roll his eyes.
"Little brother? That son of a bitch is just my childhood best friend, not your little brother, y/n."
You laughed so loudly that you saw Jay shrug his shoulders as he did so. Going around the counter, you hugged your brother and laid your head on his shoulder, sighing a little lighter after talking to Jay. It always calmed you down.
"I'm going to love hanging out with them, and especially with you."
Jay kissed the top of your head and you could feel him smile with his lips up there after he returned your embrace. His fingers were cold from the bottle he was holding, now gripping your body as he got up from the bench to stand next to you.
"So get ready, because we have this program every Friday. And you're part of it from now on" he said, pulling away from you and telling you that he was going to take a shower because it was too sticky.
You just agreed, thinking of preparing something to eat with your brother after he got out of the shower. And you started to get a little more excited until Friday arrived to meet up with some friends again, and finally go out with your brother after so long.
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"Why do you spray so much perfume?" you almost shouted from your room as Jay passed you in the hallway of the apartment, stopping walking and heading straight for your door.
"I sprayed it a couple of times" he said "Okay, four" he corrected after noticing your serious countenance looking at him "I get nervous every time I go to meet Heejin, soā€¦"
"That's cute" your lip formed into a pout, beckoning him into your room while you finished getting ready "But I don't think she'll care how smelly you are or not. Considering we're going to a nightclub."
"You're right" Jay tried to relax, throwing himself onto your bed in a lazy way. "It's just that I never stop thinking about how much I can impress her since we started dating, you know? It's so different."
"How different?"
Having these conversations with Jay was something you loved, mainly because it felt like he was older and not you. So listening to him ramble on about something or even vent about anything made the two of you feel even closer to each other.
Hearing how in love your brother was made you so happy and smiley, even more so because every time he mentioned Heejin, or even you said her name or said you were talking to her, Jay sighed. A complete fool in love, you joked.
He never denied it because he really was. And it was clear every time you saw the two of them together since you arrived. Holding hands, caresses and hugs, declarations and compliments. Something so loving that there wasn't even room to tease your brother about how sweet he was being.
"We can go now" you said after a while when Jay again told you how he felt about Heejin. And how he was afraid of losing her.
Your role as older sister was to make sure that your younger brother was doing a great job and that he was an amazing guy. Not to mention that the two of them got along very well and had your approval, so that was enough.
Jay left that apartment so happy that he was smiling to the parking lot, then with you to the club to meet the rest of his friends. He didn't even notice the smile, only when he arrived and felt his jaw aching after talking to you so much.
"Hold my hand so you don't get lost until we find the guys, okay?" you just agreed as you headed for the entrance to the club and Jay gave you the names for access.
Entering the venue, you and your brother had to dodge a few ā€“ a lot ā€“ of people dancing back and forth, others trying to make conversation with both you and him, but backing away when they saw you holding hands. You caught a scream in your throat and then laughed along with him, people probably thought you and Jay were a couple because you were holding hands. Ew.
"Finally!" the voice shouted from ahead and you looked over Jay's shoulder.
With his free hand, your brother nodded and then continued to approach until you were close enough to let go of your hand.
"I thought you weren't coming" Jake ruffled Jay's hair as he approached the group, hearing the boy's curses before turning his eyes to you "Little sister!"
"Little brother!" you replied with the same excitement, only for both of you to tease Jay, who was cursing at both of you. Jake was quick to run towards you and hug you.
"Don't ever travel that long again, I've missed you so much" he whispered while still hugging you.
"I promise I'll take you with me next time" his smile widened so much that you swore his cheeks were sore from smiling so much.
Saying hello to Sailor, your only friend from university, was something you were looking forward to. She had been one of the only people at the beginning of your school year before you moved to another country, who came to talk to you without any interest in your brother. Sailor was so nice, communicative, and giggly. The two of you got on so well that even when you moved to Barcelona, contact wasn't lost. Your happiness was undeniable when Jay told you that she was still in the group of friends, now as Jake's girlfriend.
Sunghoon was another friend of the boys that you got to know as well, arriving close to high school where he was drafted onto the soccer team that Jay and Jake played on. Of course, the three of them would become friends. He introduced you to his girlfriend. Joan, it wasn't someone you knew, but she seemed nice because she complimented you a lot and even asked how you were able to put up with a bunch of boys without slapping any of them.
Maybe I slapped you here or there, but I swear I could have done more. Joan's laugh was cute, and Sunghoon's small eyes when he smiled as he listened indicated that this man had been completely snared.
"Hi, y/n. I'm so glad you came" Heejin, your sister-in-law. So beautiful, with a comforting hug and very caring. You remember that, ever since you arrived, she asked Jay if you were all right every day.
"I guess you'll all have to get used to someone else in the group" you told her as you hugged her, tightening your arms around Heejin. She kissed your cheek and then pulled away from your face a little.
"Oh, this is going to be amazing. This way my brother won't feel so lonely" she whispered because she was too close to your face, so her voice wouldn't be hard to hear. You frowned at that, what do you mean her brother?
You hadn't paid attention to the people around you unless they came to greet you. Or you hadn't taken the time to notice who was with your group until your eyes shifted from Heejin's face to focus on the male figure next to the three boys.
Of course, you'd heard about Heejin's brother and even seen some pictures of him with Jay on social media. But you were so focused on your studies or even on finding out how your brother was doing that you didn't even have the luxury ā€“ or the time ā€“ to go and find out who Jay's new friends were, apart from the ones you already knew.
Heejin gradually moved away from you and, at the same moment, the only boy who hadn't said hello was waving to the boys and heading towards you and your sister-in-law. He couldn't take his eyes off you and you couldn't take your eyes off him, it was as if neither of you wanted to miss each other's next move.
"Hi" what a voice that is, my God. You wanted to shout to yourself "I'm Heeseung."
Heeseung, of course. The name wasn't strange. Considering how many stories Jay posted with Heeseung, who was always at parties with your brother.
"Hi, I'm y/n" even if he knew her name, it wouldn't hurt to introduce yourself, right?
By now Heejin had already stepped aside and let you talk to Heeseung, but you hadn't even bothered.
"Now I have someone to keep me company," Heeseung smiled and you swore you let out a loud sigh, but because of the volume of the music he hadn't heard. Good!
"Why? Are they that bad?" you asked Heeseung.
He leaned a little towards you, his hands in the front pockets of his jeans as he shrugged in the process. Heeseung's breath smelled of strawberries, so maybe he'd had a drink before you arrived.
"Wait until everyone's drunk" he whispered, "You can bet on which couple gets the hottest out of all of them."
"Can we bet money? Me and you?" your eyes lit up at the word bet, looking like a child who had just heard the most magnificent thing in the world.
Heeseung wanted to ignore the way he was smiling so much, feeling his heart skip a beat with your smile and your gaze so close to him. Even though he had leaned towards you just to talk. He wanted to think so, after all, you were all out clubbing, and if he wanted to have a conversation with you, he'd have to get closer.
And because you were so beautiful and smelled so good, he was simply attracted.
"I didn't bring that much money today" Heeseung pursed his lips "But we can bet drinks at the bar, what do you say?"
"Will you buy me one?"
"Now? Of course" of course, he had to stop this "I need to show you the best drink in this place before you get hooked."
"Do the honors, then" you smiled back at him, almost shouting when Heeseung's hand gently touched your back. Even though no skin was exposed because your shirt covered most of it, his fingers seemed to have shocked the spot.
Heeseung felt a warmth emanating from his fingertips and wondered if he had overstepped any boundaries since he had touched ā€“ even on your back ā€“ without your permission. But as soon as you started walking, being guided by him, the boy saw no problem in following you with his hand still touching you.
"Hey, Mingi" Heeseung waved to the bartender as soon as you and he arrived at the bar. From the intimacy, the place seemed to be frequented quite often by him and your brother's friends. The man behind the bar waved cheerfully.
"The usual?"
"Actually, I'll have a Rum Punch" Heeseung's slurred accent almost made you sigh again, but you held back only because he held your gaze even though he was talking to the bartender in front of you "For this young lady here."
"Oh, new here?" Mingi began to prepare the drink, showing off his skills with the utensils and how to stir that metal glass that you didn't even know didn't spill a drop.
"I've been away for two years" your voice came out a little louder than you would have liked, but Mingi smiled and shook his head "I'm Jay's sister."
"No kidding!" he seemed shocked by the information and you almost asked if it was bad to be Jay's sister or something "Jongseong, that ugly guy, has such a beautiful sister?"
Shit, your cheeks started to heat up. But you couldn't tell if it was because of Mingi's compliment or because Heeseung's hand slid from your back to your waist. He was still touching you, and it didn't seem to bother him or you.
"Here, Miss Park" he smiled after placing the glass on the counter, "enjoy the best of our bar."
You thanked him and took the glass, turning to face Heeseung.
"I hope you like it because, honestly, it would suck to say this is the best drink and have you hate it" he pressed his lips together, looking a little apprehensive about your reaction. You laughed at how cute he looked, agreeing with a little nod.
Touching your lips to the glass, you took a small sip just to test it out. As Heeseung said, it would be a shame for you to hate something that he advertised so much. But no, you loved it! And your murmur of approval only made his smile grow even wider, so you took another long sip before offering it to him.
"Come on, have some since you introduced me to it" you smiled at him as you tilted the glass for Heeseung to take. But he seemed too busy still holding your waist, with both hands this time. One on either side of you, making you want to scream and at the same time take a step forward and stand so close to him.
That drink wasn't taking effect that quickly, but it was Heeseung's fingers on your body that were making you like this.
So you held your breath a little when he leaned over, touching his lips to the glass and looking at you. A silent request for you to turn the contents just right because he wanted to drink from your hand. Heeseung wanted you to give him the drink.
And you did.
You carefully turned that glass until he had a good sip and then turned away to wipe his lips with the tip of his tongue and moan in satisfaction at the liquid going down his throat.
"Like I said, y/n" he said, his eyes wandering around the club and then finding you again. Heeseung leaned close enough so that his face was close to yours ā€“ for the second time that night ā€“ and his gaze quickly fell to your mouth "This is the best drink in the bar, and the night is going to be so long that we can try as many as you want" why had he whispered that part? Why was Heeseung whispering while staring at your lips?
You just nodded, sipping some more of that good, newfound liquid, as you felt him pull you into the middle of the dance floor.
The boy was right, it was going to be a long night.
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You didn't know that your sister-in-law was a graduate in the same field as you at university in Barcelona. You also didn't know that you would receive an offer from the studio where she worked and, a few days later, be hired.
You also didn't know that your relationship with Heeseung had become pure flirtation, smiles in each other's direction and gentle touches on the hands, waist, and even long hugs when he went to pick up Heejin and ended up giving you a lift too. Or when he went to visit Jay to play video games in his living room. You also didn't know that you would let Heeseung lean his head on your shoulder and fall asleep so deeply on the first night of movies in your shared apartment with your brother after Sunghoon said he didn't want to go clubbing that day.
Everything was going so differently from what you had envisioned for your return to the city, but no way could describe the way you felt with Heeseung. Because it was different, wasn't it? You felt that way.
Because you didn't feel a chill in your stomach when Jake laid his head on your lap after coming home from work, or you didn't feel your face heat up after Sunghoon kissed the top of your head when you all decided to meet up for dinner. So why did you feel those things with Heeseung? He also lay on your lap, he also kissed the top of your head. But only he was able to take away your sleep some nights, resulting in you being almost late for work and hearing Heejin ask if everything was okay.
"Jongseong was playing late again?" she asked angrily, making you laugh.
Thinking about your brother, you wanted to answer but settled for pressing your lips together to avoid smiling.
"I've just had a bad night" your lips quickly curled into a pout and she imitated you.
"I know someone who can help you with that" Heejin hummed, picking up her cell phone and typing a few things as she watched you go to your desk.
Trying to stop her from talking to Heeseung was practically impossible, as she and Jay did a great job of making you feel awkward in front of him. But not in a bad way, not at all. The two of them only managed to make you shyer and shyer every time something happened.
Do you need help with the popcorn in the kitchen? Heeseung, help y/n. I'm watching the movie with your sister.
Are you going out for dinner? Heeseung and y/n sit next to each other, their seats already assigned.
When you all decided to go to the amusement park together and he wasn't too keen on entering the castle of horrors? My sister will hold your hand and, if the fear goes away, you can kiss her as a reward. Jay's sentence could have been a whisper only to him and Heeseung, but because you were so close, it was sure to have been heard.
"Y/n, Iā€¦ I'm sorryā€”" you took his hand, entwining your fingers in Heeseung's as you smiled at the boy.
"You heard my brother, right?" now Heeseung felt even more courageous with your words. So he could kiss you after everyone had passed through that castle of horrors? Surely he wouldn't miss it.
But he did.
As soon as you all left, Heeseung received a call that he urgently needed to go home. You didn't object and the others seemed to understand perfectly when the boy said goodbye, you being the only one who received a quick kiss on the cheek before he ran out of the park.
"I wonder what happened?" Sailor asked as you all started walking to the park's next attraction.
"Maybe it's because of Aimi, he said he'd be alert in case he needed to go home" Jake intertwined his fingers with Sailor's and walked beside her.
Just then, you stopped. Wait, Aimi? Heeseung had someone else? No, it couldn't be.
All that time you two were exchanging, you were being part of a betrayal? Holy shit. It couldn't be possible.
The whole situation put a lump in your throat and your stomach began to churn. You walked with your friends out of sheer habit, seeing that they were all in the queue for the rollercoaster. By instinct, Jay looked in your direction and saw how scattered you were, walking over to stand next to you.
"It's just a rollercoaster, you know? You don't have to be scared" he joked, laughing a little as he put his arm around your shoulders.
Trying to be gentle, you pushed his arm away, starting to feel a weight on your chest that you didn't even know existed.
"Iā€¦ I'm going home" your voice came out shaky. Shit, don't do that, y/n!
"What? Y/n, is everything all right?" Jay looked at you now rather worriedly, holding you by the shoulders and, once again, feeling your hands drop as you walked away.
Your brain didn't process the fact that your legs were quickly pulling you out of there, walking away from the roller coaster queue while you listened to the boys calling you. You ignored it completely and walked to the parking lot where you tried to look for your brother's car since Heeseung had left and you had gone with him to the park.
"Shit. Shit, shit, shit" the curses were starting to flood out of you as your eyes stung, but you weren't going to cry. Not because of that.
For God's sake, the two of you hadn't even kissed, why feel so stupid?
"Y/n, I found you!" Jay was panting behind you, having stopped running and feeling his heartbeat speed up even more from the little exercise he'd done to find you.
He then walked towards you very slowly, trying to catch his breath and testing whether he could do it since you had pushed him away twice in less than a minute.
"Hey, are you all right?" he asked "It was the rollercoaster gameā€”"
"Why didn't anyone tell me?" you interrupted him.
Jay frowned in response, glancing at you as soon as you stopped right in front of him and caught a glimpse of your face in the dim light of the amusement park parking lot. He saw your watery eyes and knew you could cry at any moment.
"What about?" he asked you again, and you realized that it couldn't be that he knew either since, in your brother's mind, you were like that for the roller coaster. But wasn't it obvious that it was for Heeseung? It didn't make sense.
Your chest ached a little more when you remembered his static face when you left quickly and how your friends commented on the girl so naturally that it was as if you weren't there.
You opened and closed your mouth, tried to say something and nothing came out the way you wanted it to. It sucked that everything was like that. When you finally plucked up the courage to talk to your brother, your phone rang, startling you both.
The handset came out of your back pocket and Heeseung's name flashed up on the screen. You didn't realize the grimace you were making until you looked at Jay and saw that he was waiting for you to pick up, but you didn't. You simply hung up. You simply hung up.
"What's going on?" he kept looking at you.
"Nothing" another ring from Heeseung and you would have hung up if Jay hadn't been quicker and answered on the second ring.
"Hey dude, it's Jay" you could hear Heeseung's voice in the background, but you couldn't understand much of what he was saying. Something seemed to touch the back of your brother's mind because he laughed deeply as he looked at you.
What's funny, asshole? You hissed while he still had your phone to his ear and was talking to Heeseung.
"Maybe that's why, but I'm not the one who's going to explain it to her" your brother's gaze was mixed as Heeseung said a few more words and the two finally hung up.
"What the fuck was that, Jay?"
"Heeseung called meā€¦ I mean, he called you to explain why he'd left so quickly" he told you.
"I think Jake already did that" you shrugged, showing how encouraging the conversation was because your sarcastic smile said it all.
"Listen, sis. It's not thatā€”"
"Jay, please don't" you whimpered "I'm feeling terrible because all this time no one told me that Heeseung had someone else and we were acting likeā€¦"
"A couple, I know" you really hated it when Jay was able to complete his sentences more directly because maybe you would only respond like two people with more touches "That's exactly why he needs to explain it to you, not me."
"I don't want to listen, thank you."
"But you kind of will" he pursed his lips and put his hands in his trouser pockets, running his tongue over lower lip to suppress a smile "Because every two weeks Heejin and I go to Mom's for lunch, and this time since you're here, I'm going to make a point of calling Heeseung too."
"You wouldn't do thatā€¦"
"Oh, I would" Jay smiled this time.
And you knew for sure that your dear brother would be able to do it.
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You felt like jumping over the kitchen counter and lunging at Jay, but you were left to stir the chocolate in the pan to make a ganache for dessert. Your brother, smiling even too much, put the tomato slices in the glass dish while looking at you now and then and holding back a laugh.
"Cancel it with him, please" you almost cried, almost got down on your knees to Jay begging him not to come.
"Nope" he hummed, excitedly, "I like having my brother-in-law here. Besides, Mom loves it when he brings Aimi along."
"You're a motherfuckerā€”"
"Hey, why am I being cursed at?" your mother chimed in. Jay burst into laughter and you just rolled your eyes, choosing to forget the conversation.
But your brother seemed to have plans to annoy you all weekend, and it was only Saturday. You wouldn't be able to stand it without hitting him once.
"I was telling y/n about Aimi" Jay said.
"Oh, I miss her so much" your mother said with such love that you rolled your eyes at the melted chocolate just so you wouldn't have to face the two of them who were heaping praise on Aimi.
For God's sake, did they have to do that in front of you? Maybe your mother didn't know what had happened between you and Heeseung, so the poor thing wouldn't be punished by your eyes almost shooting her. But your brother would. That asshole was going to pay dearly for every mention of Aimi's name and the way he openly smiled at you after saying it.
It didn't make sense for Jay to tease you about it, it didn't make sense for any of your friends to be into that sort of thing. Everyone there was dating, so why did things have to go that way with Heeseung?
Had Jay already cheated on Heejin, so he was an accomplice? Or had Jake and Sunghoon also been unfaithful, hence the partnership?
It wasn't easy to get into your head and you spent almost the whole week mulling it over, as well as running away from all Heejin's questions and why you were ignoring her brother.
"I justā€¦ I don't know, Heejin" you replied.
But she knew, of course, she knew. The only way to understand what was going on was to ask Jay, and like a good gossip, he would tell his girlfriend. Heejin even thought about clearing up the misunderstanding, but as her boyfriend had said, Heeseung was the one to do it.
So it was easy to convince him to go to lunch at your mother's house. You wanted to think it was because of the pool out back or her food, not because he had to explain something to you because you didn't want to hear it.
You refused to fall for his charms while he explained why he had cheated on you for a long time ā€“ totaling a month and a half, unfortunately, you counted ā€“ only for you to discover that there was another woman. And it wasn't even Heeseung who told you, it came out of Jake's mouth.
If your friend hadn't said anything at the amusement park, would you have known about her? Or would you continue to be fooled until you kissed Heeseung, fell even more in love and then he left you?
"Shit" you cursed quietly when the doorbell snapped you out of your thoughts.
All the food had been ready for a long time and you and your brother had decided to wait, sipping a glass of wine that your mother always left out for you to enjoy while they cooked.
It had to be the Lee siblings, so you decided to fill your glass and lean on the kitchen counter, not having the courage to move your feet as your brother walked past you and smiled with his mouth against the glass he was drinking.
"My love" Jay called out, and you knew it was Heejin he was greeting.
"Heeseung, Aimi!" that was your mother, and your stomach immediately churned at the mention of her name "Y/n, come over here."
I don't want to.
You should answer, that's what you had to do.
But contrary to your thoughts, your feet betrayed you and made you walk to the kitchen door so slowly that you were almost dragging yourself. Perhaps the glass of wine could have helped and stopped you from hugging them both, it would have been a perfect excuse while you just greeted everyone and went back to the kitchen.
As soon as you arrived, your eyes went straight to Heeseung andā€¦ A child? Heeseung was holding a little girl in his arms and she was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen.
Dark hair, curious eyes, and flushed cheeks. She closed her little eyes as she smiled when Jay approached to take her in his arms, hearing the most delightful giggle you could ever remember a child having.
"Hey" Heejin greeted you before anyone could say anything. The two boys were very entertained by the little girl, who was mumbling a few things and talking to them, while your mother was already looking for a cartoon channel for her to watch "Are you okay?" your sister-in-law toasted with her full glass, and it was then that you noticed that she was holding Jay's glass.
Your head just nodded, saying nothing until Heeseung's eyes landed on you. He frowned when he saw how much wine was in your glass and you couldn't hide it since, as it was full, any sudden movement to place it behind your body could cause it to tip over.
Jay still had the little one on his lap and held her hand as he turned to you. She smiled in your direction and you tried to smile back, begging the heavens you hadn't made a face to scare the poor thing.
"Hi, y/n" Heeseung said directly to you as soon as you arrived at your mother's house. You shook your head at him, a silent way of saying hello. Your voice would waver if you said anything since it was the first time you'd seen him since the day at the amusement park, so you couldn't risk having a shaky, slurred, or harsh voice. So just a nod would be fine.
"You can choose any cartoon that uncle Jay will watch with you before lunch" Jay raised his hand and the little girl clapped it, making an animated hi-five as you watched your brother walk over to the sofa with her.
Your eyes lingered too long on the two of them animatedly chatting about the colorful cartoon characters that you didn't notice that Heejin had gone to talk to his mother and Heeseung was standing in front of you.
Hands in his pants pockets, hair slightly mussed, and biting his lower lip. He looked a little apprehensive for his taste.
"Y/nā€¦"
"Bathroom" the little girl announced before Heeseung could even finish his sentence. He quickly looked over to where she was sitting and excused himself as he picked her up.
"Ready to use the bathroom?" he had such a beautiful smile when he talked to her that it seemed too encouraging, you almost forgot that you were angry with him "I'll be right back" Heeseung said before disappearing down the corridor in search of the downstairs bathroom.
That's how long it took you to stare at Jay and take a long sip of your wine before you saw him return with the little girl still on his lap.
"I did it, uncle Jay" she celebrated and Jay got up from the sofa, picking her up again.
"You were amazing, you know that? Your dad and I are so proud of you," he said.
Dad?
You bit your tongue to keep from screaming at that moment. The only thought running through your mind when Heeseung was still in the middle of the room but with his gaze fully on you.
"Y/n, that's Aimi" he pointed to the little girl who, as soon as she heard her name called, turned towards him "My daughter. And sweetie, this is y/n, uncle Jay's sister."
"Fuck" you whispered so quietly, not out of indignation, but because there was a child and you couldn't swear at her.
So your only reaction ā€“ apart from widening your eyes ā€“ was to gulp down all the wine and feel it burn your throat as you ran to the kitchen.
Your luck was that Aimi only nodded for a few seconds before turning her attention back to the drawing she was watching with Jay, so your state of panic hadn't had much effect on her. Unlike Heeseung, who walked in quick, hurried steps to the kitchen to chase after you.
The search for the wine was tireless. That bottle had run out a while ago and all you had to do was find another that your mother kept right there, but no. Those hands stopped you from opening it. Those hands stopped you from opening the mini cellar under the counter and made you turn to him.
"Wine won't help you much" Heeseung whispered to you.
"I just need toā€¦ Iā€¦"
"You need to sober up because I think we need to talk, don't you?"
Why did he have to whisper everything? And why did Heeseung have a relentless habit of leaning towards you every time he stood in front of you to say something?
"It's okay" was the only thing you managed to say because the next second his lips were on yours. Briefly, a kiss so quick that you couldn't even process the softness of Heeseung's mouth against yours.
"Great choice of wine, by the way" he licked his lips before leaving the kitchen, just as quickly as he came in after you.
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Heeseung was right, you two needed to talk. You were just putting it off all day because you felt like a complete idiot, thinking all sorts of bad things about him and your friends when, in fact, Aimi was just a child. And Heeseung's daughter.
All right, he also felt stupid for never mentioning it since the first time you and he started to get even closer, but the real thing was that he was afraid. He didn't want it to always be the same.
You swore that every moment at your parents' house would lead to a conversation with Heeseung because he never took his eyes off you, only to look in on Aimi or help her with something when no adult was doing so. He was such a helpful father and that only made your heart swell even more for that man.
Your mind just didn't process the fact that little Aimi would be clinging to you the moment everyone sat down to lunch.
"Sweetie, let y/n eatā€¦"
"Dad" she pouted as she sat on your lap, smoothing her long hair so that it didn't fall on the plate in front of her.
"It's okay, I think I can help you, can't I, Aimi?"
"Yes" she turned her head to look at you, and that smile like her father's made you smile too.
Aimi was polite, only asked for your help to cut things she had difficulty with, and ate her vegetables without complaining while Heeseung just watched until she finished eating so she could get off your lap. So you could eat right then.
You noticed that Aimi sulked throughout lunch while the others ate until they finished their meal and she held out her arms to you.
"I thought we were going to watch a cartoon" Jay pouted when he saw that Aimi hadn't gone to sit on his lap.
"Actually, uncle Jay thought he'd get away with doing the dishes" you pretended to whisper to Aimi, hearing her giggle immediately afterward "But I think she'd rather stay with auntie y/n now, wouldn't you?"
When she nodded, it was enough for Jay to make a scene in which Aimi laughed even more.
Spending the afternoon with that child was the most incredible thing that could have happened to you over the last few days.
Watching cartoons with Aimi, hearing about colors and how she could count to forty. Or how she knew about animals because uncle Jay had given her a book that made sounds with a magic pen. And he bragged about the compliments in the present.
You felt your heart warm even more when everyone decided to spend time in the back garden, your lap serving as comfort for Aimi who played with the end of your hair until Heeseung signaled that she had fallen asleep on your lap. You didn't mind. She didn't weigh anything, she was cuddling you so comfortably and her little body was sleeping so nonchalantly that you just held her there and paid attention to Heejin's words, who was telling you about something at work.
Your eyes caught Heeseung's from time to time, and he couldn't help smiling as he looked at you and then at Aimi. Your daughter had liked you and that made Heeseung feel better, maybe the fear had passed and he could talk to you.
"Hey, y/n" Heeseung whispered close to your ear. You did everything you could not to move abruptly and not wake Aimi on your lap, so you just looked at him, noticing that his attention was everywhere but on what was happening in front of him.
Now it was your father who was talking about something you and your brother had done during a family vacation. Heejin laughed, asking something and you simply decided to pay attention to the man next to you.
"I can take her inside, I think I'll put her on the sofa because it's getting cold and your arms will go numb afterward" he kept whispering, making you laugh.
"I'll help you" you also whispered, settling Aimi in your arms and getting up with her still on your lap.
This was quite common, considering that Jay was always the one to take Aimi when Heeseung went to family lunches. But now you were there, placing Aimi on the three-seater sofa, wrapping her in cushions, and taking the blanket from Heeseung's hands to cover her carefully.
"She's beautiful" your voice came out so low, the compliment was so natural that you only noticed when Heeseung leaned his shoulder against yours and let out a low laugh.
"I think I did a good job" you laughed along with him, looking away from the little girl to the boy next to you "Do you have some time for me now?"
"Of course."
It couldn't be put off any longer, you knew he wanted to talk too so maybe it was time since everyone was talking outside and Aimi had gone to sleep. It was just you and Heeseung on the other side of the room so as not to wake the little one.
Being on the smaller sofa had never been a problem, but the proximity to him was what was making you apprehensive. Their legs touching each other, Heeseung's hands searching for something to hold, opting to leave it on his knees as he looked across the room. He looked at his daughter.
"It happened in the famous clichƩ of the first one-night stand in university" he moistened his lips and laughed humorlessly, then looked at you and bit his lower lip "Aimi's mother didn't want to keep her."
"What?" your eyes widened at that. You noticed that he sighed, perhaps he was about to tell you something difficult, so your instinct was to take one of his hands in yours, intertwining your fingers and showing that you were right there. Next to him, listening very carefully.
He sighed, taking a little more courage.
Heeseung and Jay had met and it wasn't by chance, they had been assigned roommates in university as soon as Heeseung had been admitted to his course. He and the boys have been inseparable ever since.
Like any university party, which you knew your brother was part of, Heeseung also liked to have fun like any other adult who had just been admitted and wanted to enjoy his youth. But irresponsibility got to him.
Unprotected and fruitless sex only happened in the movies his sister watched, because it wasn't like that with him. Months later, the news that the girl was pregnant devastated him and he wasn't sure what to do, but he thought that they could take care of the baby and that he would be there to help her.
That's not what happened. Heeseung lived on threats all that time.
I don't want to keep this baby unless you stay with me.
It was cruel, she was cruel to Heeseung. But what could he do? That woman was carrying his baby and he could only try to do everything to please her until the child was born. Aimi was beautiful from the first minutes of her life and was the joy of the Lee family.
"I think we should break up" that sentence made Heeseung sigh with relief, he knew it wouldn't last in a relationship that he had sustained only for the sake of the child.
Agreeing was the only right thing to do. But he also didn't know that she would give up any contact with the little girl, literally taking away any responsibility, walking out and never getting involved in the little girl's life since birth.
"The guardianship is completely yours, and she will never go near my niece again" Heejin had done everything since the second she found out she was going to be an aunt, and she had done everything could to make sure that woman would never go near Aimi.
Almost three years passed and he thought it would be difficult, but no. Heeseung was a father ā€“ solo ā€“ but he had such an immense support network, like his friends, his family, and Jay's family. Aimi didn't miss a mother figure in the slightest because she was surrounded by the love he always knew she never lacked.
Heeseung's fear revolved around any relationship that wouldn't accept his daughter, or that the child's mother would somehow resurface trying to give up something she never had a right to just because he was moving on with his life.
"I don't think you need to worry about that" you said in a low tone, letting him breathe a little after telling most ā€“ or almost all ā€“ of the story, "Heejin made it very clear and you know how much weight her words carry."
Heeseung laughed.
He clasped his hands even tighter in yours, tilting his head to rest his forehead against yours too.
"Believe me, over the years I've tried to get into relationships and one of them said that I spent more time with Aimi than with her."
"Whatā€”" you moved away for a few seconds, just long enough to face Heeseung, and then returned to your starting position, leaning your forehead against his "I think the danger now is that I'll be spending more time with her than with you."
"Will I be double-changed?" false indignation in his voice and Heeseung's hands loosened from his for a brief moment. You would have protested at the loss of contact if it hadn't been for his fingers slowly trailing up your cheek "If that's the case, I'll take it just fine."
"Then start thinking about it, Lee Heeseung."
"I'm thinking, Park Y/n" and then his lips met yours halfway.
A slow kiss and the perfect movement of each other's lips in such calm synchronicity. It was as if they both needed it as their tongues moved slowly, tasting the drink from hours ago and how Heeseung's warm muscle curled into yours. Your hands met his on his face, deepening the kiss even more and letting out a sigh when he slid down the sofa to be even closer to you.
That kiss was on another level, you felt like you were in paradise while Heeseung's lips were still on yours.
He slid his mouth along your jaw and down to your neck, small kisses left on your skin making you shiver completely until they were interrupted by a whimper.
You and Heeseung separated very slowly, both of you looking at the other sofa and noticing that Aimi was starting to cry quietly as she stood up, scratching at her eyes and with her hair completely messed up.
Heeseung got up from the sofa where the two of you were, walked over to his daughter, and bent down in front of her.
"Hi my love, did you have a bad dream?" he asked her, the little girl's eyes going to her father and they were completely watery. She held out her arms for him to take her, and so Heeseung did. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked back, with no reply. Aimi still had a pout on her lips and her eyes were almost streaming with the tears she was holding back.
That was enough for you to pout at the scene in front of you, holding back a scream as Aimi looked at you and her eyes lit up.
Her little arms went out towards you so excitedly that she almost threw herself off Heeseung's lap. You quickly got up from the sofa and picked her up, kissing her on the top of the head before making her lie on your shoulder.
"Sweetie?" Heeseung called out after she had snuggled into your lap.
"I want y/n" she said sleepily, yawning as she lay on your shoulder and practically falling back asleep within seconds.
You and Heeseung looked at each other, holding back a laugh as the little one went back to dreamland after being snuggled in your arms. He approached the two of you, kissing Aimi's cheek and then kissing your forehead before placing his own against it. Faces close together.
"I think I'm getting your daughter for myself" you hummed, kissing his lips in the process.
Heeseung laughed, nodding in denial as you moved away to go to the larger sofa in the living room.
He wanted to deny it and play with you, but seeing Aimi on your lap and that scene in front of him, all the fear Heeseung had was gone for sure.
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Ā©Ā ikeuverse, 2024.Ā do not copy, translate or steal my stories.
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runnning-outof-time Ā· 9 months ago
Text
Change His Ways | Tommy Shelby x Reader
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Request: no
Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Reader
Summary: In which Tommy falls for a woman out of his reach and does whatever it takes to get closer to her.
Warnings: Tommyā€™s certainly not canon here, language, smoking, religious themes (Tommy goes to church)
Word Count: 4025
A/N: I dusted this WIP off because I was itching to keep writing after I finished my celebration blurbs. The idea has Tommy ooc, but it was one that I just had to write down while reading a book - Iā€™ll share a bit more about it down below for those who are interested (itā€™s based on a true story). Enjoy! :)
Iā€™D LOVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK - YOUR COMMENTS & REBLOGS HELP ME WRITE!
Comment/Message me if youā€™d like to be tagged in stories similar to this one!
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Tommy's world stopped the second he saw her. She was in Polly's main room, gathering her cleaning supplies as he stepped into the home. He watched from the doorway as she tried, but failed, to take them all into her arms, the bucket and broom falling to the ground. "I'm so sorry, Ms. Gray," she quickly apologized to the woman standing next to the fireplace for the commotion, crouching down to - try and - gather it once more. Polly didn't say anything, only watching on as the younger woman struggled.
"Let me help you, miss," Tommy spoke up, balancing the cigarette he was smoking between his lips before he stepped over to her, leaning down to grab the stick of the broom before she could.
"Oh, thank you, mister," she smiled over at him, her (y/e/c) eyes instantly mesmerizing Tommy. He almost forgot what he was doing.
"Where do these need to go?" he asked after clearing his throat and pulling himself from his thoughts.
"Just outside. My father's picking me up," she responded, smiling over at him gratefully. He felt like she had knocked the wind out of him.
"Alright then," he nodded, standing in time with her and taking a bucket from her full hands so that she'd have less to carry. He then let her lead him out to where an older looking farm-typed truck was waiting. The man sitting in the driver's seat just glared at Tommy, who ignored his presence altogether. "Should be it," he remarked as he sat the broom and bucket into the back of the truck.
"Thank you, really," the woman smiled at him.
"You're welcome," Tommy nodded politely before she got in the truck and he walked back up the path to his aunt's house. Polly was standing in the entryway with her arms crossed when Tommy re-entered the house. "What, Pol?" he questioned, brushing past her into the main room.
"She's a good woman, Thomas," she heeded a warning. A warning that Tommy disregarded completely.
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Tommy showed up at Polly's every day for a week until he figured out what times the unnamed, beautiful woman was present at the house. And each time she was, he would help her with the things that she needed to carry out to her father's truck.
He didn't quite get to his destination today because the very person he was looking forward to seeing was walking along the sidewalk about three blocks from his aunt's house. He slowed down his car with his brow furrowed, and bent his head down to look at her. "All ok?" he asked after he watched her take a few more struggled steps. "Your father coming to pick you up?"
"Not today," she shook her head, the tone of her voice showing how much she was struggling to keep everything in her arms. "He's been held up at the farm."
Tommy was out of his car the second he heard her answer. He walked around the side of it with a quickened pace before he took the bigger cleaning supplies from her arms. "I can take you home," he offered, already opening the back door of his car before she gave him an answer to set the supplies he'd taken inside.
"Oh I can't bother you like that," she tried to decline his offer politely, but Tommy didn't want to hear it.
"I insist," he stressed, his eyebrows raised slightly to show his seriousness. He held his eyes on her and saw her weary expression form into a smile. She nodded her head in agreement before he opened the passenger's side door for her to get into the car. Once she was in, he shut the door and walked back around to the driver's side.
"Do you have a name, sir?" she asked him almost immediately after he'd sat in the front seat, "because I feel like I should know the name of the man that has so kindly offered me a ride."
"It's Thomas Shelby," he said, clearing his throat before adding: "you can call me Tommy though."
The woman smiled at him. ā€œItā€™s nice to meet you, officially, Tommy. Thank you for driving me home," she spoke politely. ā€œMy name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N)," she added, her cheeks heating up slightly when she realized that she hadn't formally introduced herself to him.
"It's nice to officially meet you as well, (Y/N)," he couldn't help but smile as he tried her name out for himself, "and there's no need to thank me...the pleasure's all mine here," he concluded his sentence by turning his car back on and pulling away from the sidewalk so that he could take her home.
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There was an older man leaning up against the side of a rusted farm truck as Tommy pulled into the driveway that (Y/N) said was hers. He looked rather intimidating standing there, and if Tommy wasn't in the line of work that he was, he definitely would have been put off by him.
"Hi, daddy," (Y/N) smiled as she got out of the car so that she could grab her supplies from the back. She was too slow, however, because Tommy already had it in his hands.
"Where do you want this?" he asked her.
"Just by the shed over there," she answered as she motioned to said shed, "I can place them where they need to go later." Tommy nodded and then walked the short distance so that he could rest the supplies against the wall of the shed. "Thank you, Tommy," she sent him a bright smile once he'd finished.
"You're welcome," he nodded, deciding that being paid in her smiles would be better than any lump sum of money he could ever receive.
"You Thomas Shelby?" (Y/N)'s father then came into the situation, his voice making Tommy's expression go serious as he turned to face the older man.
"I am," he nodded, extending his hand.
"What are your intentions with my daughter?" her father got right to the point, glancing at the hand but not shaking it.
Tommy found himself feeling like a young boy again, and it made him wonder just how interested he was in (Y/N) for him to be feeling like this. "I brought her home. She was struggling with carrying the supplies," he explained himself.
The older man looked Tommy up and down before nodding slightly. "Ok," was all he said before he turned and started to walk over to one of the barns on the property.
"Thank you, Tommy," (Y/N) sent him another smile, pulling him out of the confused stupor that was brought on by the previous conversation. "I hope you make it home safely."
"You're welcome, (Y/N)," he responded, loving how her name sounded coming from his mouth. He then returned her wave before he walked to his car and got into it, backing down the driveway and away from the beautiful woman who was standing and watching him leave.
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"I think you're a bloody idiot for coming up with that idea," Polly spoke her mind after Tommy had finished explaining to her where he'd gone a few days ago.
"That's why I'm doing it properly," Tommy tried to work a different angle.
"Properly or not, the (Y/L/N)'s are a God-fearing family, and I can't remember the last time you stepped into a church with the intent of speaking to the Maker," she remarked, quirking an eyebrow in his direction. Tommy sighed in response, shaking his head as he brought the cigarette back up to his mouth. He and Polly then stared at each other for a few moments before the woman sighed and hung her head, "but you'll still give it a try anyway," she stated in defeat, knowing just by his glance alone that her nephew's mind was made up.
Tommy cleared his throat as he stood from the chair in Polly's living room. He grabbed his coat and pulled it over his shoulders so that he was ready to leave the house. Polly tried to call after him, but he wasn't listening to her words as he opened the door and exited the dwelling. After getting in the car and starting its engine, he began driving to (Y/N)'s house with the full intention of winning her father over.
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"You cannot court my daughter," (Y/N)'s father spoke firmly from where he sat across from Tommy in the front room.
"She's a very lovely woman, and I will be a gentleman to her," he tried to sway the older man, laying on the Shelby charm in full force, "all I am asking is for a date with her." If only his family could hear him now.
"If you want to see my daughter, you'll see her at church," her father decided, nodding his head once to show his decision was final.
"Mr. (Y/L/N)..."
"Save it, Shelby," the older man cut Tommy off, standing to leave the conversation. Tommy watched him walk, knowing there was nothing more that could be done. He also stood, showing himself out. He looked to the farmhouse after opening the door to his car and saw (Y/N) standing in one of the second floor windows. A sigh escaped his lips. He knew what to do.
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Tommy met the (Y/L/N)'s at their church that Sunday. No one bothered to question how he knew where they worshiped, and he was thankful that he didn't need to explain.
They all sat in the same pew, Tommy to the right of (Y/N), of course, while her father sat on her left. He didn't listen much to the sermons, or participate in singing along with the choir.
He did, however, try to get even closer to (Y/N). After a few glances down, he slowly inched his hand closer to her lap. At first he attempted to take hold of her hand. She moved it away the second she felt his fingers brush hers. But she didn't look his way though, still focused on what the preacher was saying. So he let his hand stay there. Instead of holding hers, he flipped his palm down and draped his fingers over the curve of her thigh.
His hand had just started to warm from her body heat when he felt a sharp, but silent, smack land on the back of it. It made him remove his hand and quickly look her way. She was still looking straight ahead. Tommy kept his eyes on her, his brows furrowed. He was sure that he hadn't imagined that; she'd just smacked him.
The feeling of his eyes on her made (Y/N) glance to her right. She knew he wouldn't look away until he addressed her. But her father would instantly know that her attention had been taken off of the message being told. Ever-so-slowly, she leaned closer to Tommy, getting close enough so that he could hear her whisper. "There should be no touching in the Lord's house. It's considered blasphemy."
Tommy couldn't respond because she sat straight again the second she finished speaking. He took one last look at her before looking straight again, his hand resting on his thigh once again.
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Tommy continued going to church with (Y/N) and her family every Sunday, and eventually they got into a routine of him walking her back home.
Every Sunday, they'd stop at the beginning of her dirt driveway, and she'd thank him with a kiss on his cheek. They'd then say their goodbyes and she'd begin walking to her house. Tommy would stay and watch, waiting until she was on her porch before he left.
This Sunday was different. (Y/N) was unusually quiet on the way home. The walk that was normally filled with her sweet laughter and entertaining stories was now overruled by silence.
They stopped at the end of her driveway, and (Y/N) turned so that she could face him. Tommy's eyes were immediately on her, and he noticed that she was looking at the ground. "I won't be in church next Sunday," she finally spoke, playing with her fingers in hopes it'd give her something to focus on. She glanced up at him through her eyelashes then, seeing that he was looking out at the fields for a moment. Thinking now'd be the best time to say goodbye, she lifted her head and leaned in to press her lips to his cheek.
Tommy turned to talk to her at that same moment, and he was met with the most rewarding accident he'd ever been given in his life when his lips met hers. The kiss was soft, quick, and innocent. Too quick for his liking.
(Y/N) pulled back with a gasp the second she realized what was happening. She looked at him then, her eyes now opened wide; looking as if she'd just seen a ghost, or a horrible crime be committed. I've fucked this up, Tommy thought to himself, the breath caught in his throat. The worst part about it was that he didn't quite know what to say that could make the situation better.
So he just stared at (Y/N), watching as her eyes searched his for what seemed like eternity. Then, after what felt like forever, (Y/N) leaned in and pressed her lips to his again. She kissed him more soundly this time, and he took hold of her waist to make sure that she wouldn't leave him too soon. When she eventually moved to pull back, he let her, keeping his eyes closed when she stayed close and rested her forehead against his.
"Why?" he asked once their breathing had returned to normal.
"Huh?" she was clearly confused by his sudden question, and she finally pulled back to look at him once more, her eyebrows furrowed.
"Why won't you be there, love?" he asked with a soft laugh, squeezing her waist softly as he remembered that he was still holding onto her.
Realization struck her and her confusion melted into a sheepish smile, remembering what they were talking about before the kiss happened. "My family and I are traveling to see my grandparents. We'll go to the service at their church since we'll be staying through the weekend," she explained the reason behind her initial statement.
"Should I find you there?" he asked her then, wondering if he could still make things work. He'd been seeing her every Sunday for a month and a half now, and he'd be lying if he said that he didn't look forward to it every week.
"There's no need for that, Tommy," she giggled, her stomach filling with butterflies at the sweetness of his voice. "I'll be home before you know it."
"Then I'll be waiting," he nodded, showing his sincerity as he squeezed her waist once more, his actions making her smile. His eyes flitted down to her lips then, their closeness and inviting nature becoming paramount in his mind again. "Can I?" he asked permission before doing anything, something he never could have imagined himself doing weeks ago.
"Please do," she smiled at him, her hands finding his collar as he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers once more.
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"Fuck," Tommy huffed, pressing his fingers to his eyes in frustration.
"So what do we do, Tom?" Arthur asked his brother, clasping his peaked cap in his hands. "He's there. He's for the taking. We could just..."
"No," Tommy cut him off abruptly, leaning forward so that he could rest his elbows on the desk and put his head in his hands, "no, there'll be problems if we do that."
"Then what?" John chimed in, a bit of an incredulous look present on his face. "We know he did it. He shouldn't get to even think he got away with it."
"We do it another way," Tommy insisted.
"What way?" Arthur asked.
"I don't know yet," Tommy huffed, finally looking at his brothers before he continued, "but you fuckers better not try anything." He accented his direction by pointing at each of the two men as he spoke, his eyes wide to convey his seriousness.
Silence fell in the room then. John and Arthur shared a look before focusing back on their brother. They were both thinking the same thing...but who was going to be the one to say it?
Arthur looked to John again. "Seems like our brother's gotten himself a new perspective," he commented aloud, seeing Tommy's eyes snap to him from the corner of his.
A grin formed on John's face as he heard his older brother speak. Arthur was the one to cast the first stone. Now the floor was wide open. "I think it's because he's been going to that bloody church each weekend," he shared his thoughts on the situation.
Arthur shook his head. "Nah. The only reason he's going there is so he can give that girl a quick shag. You think it'll be worth it, Tom?"
Tommy was now seeing red. "What the fuck are you two going on about? Eh?!"
"That girl from Pol's place. (Y/N), was it?" John answered, even though the previous question was meant to be rhetorical.
"Yeah, yeah. That's her name. She's real pretty," Arthur commented, a smug grin now present.
Tommy couldn't take the comments anymore. He slammed his hand down on the desk, commanding their attention immediately. "Enough!" he bellowed, his eyes wide with anger. "You're not going to talk about her like that. In fact, you're not going fucking to talk about her at all. Understood?" He let out a heavy breath then, looking between the two of them before he swiped at his hair, returning the strands that had fallen over his forehead back to their resting place.
Neither John nor Arthur responded verbally to their brother's statement. Arthur let out a grunt of agreement and John merely nodded, both surprised by the show of emotion they'd just witnessed.
Tommy nodded in response to the silence. "Good. Now go out and figure out how we can get this guy. We need to do it cleanly," he gave them an order, one that made the two of them nod before turning and heading to the door.
John exited without another word, but Arthur stopped with his hand on the door's handle. He looked back to his brother, who had both of his palms placed flat on the desk as he finished recollecting himself.
"She really means something to you, doesn't she?" he broke the silence hanging in the room. His question made Tommy look up. They held eye contact for a few moments. Not a word was said. Arthur got his answer though; he could see it in Tommy's eyes. So instead of prolonging the staring contest, he nodded and exited the office.
Tommy let out a huff as the door shut, closing his eyes and tipping his head back against the chair. (Y/N) came to mind then, and he relished in the thought of her as it made his stresses wash away.
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Tommy just happened to be sitting out on the floor of the betting shop when the most out of place looking person entered the building. He clocked the man speaking to Scudboat and continued working on the papers in front of him as he tried to listen into the conversation.
"Is Mr. Shelby in?"
"He's busy. You'll need an appointment. That can be arranged with his..."
"I just need to speak to him for a moment."
"You'll need to arrange an..."
"He's fine to speak with me, Scudboat," Tommy cut into the conversation, coming over to where he and (Y/N)'s father were standing by the door.
"Yes, Mr. Shelby," Scudboat bowed his head as he left the conversation, knowing he was no longer needed.
"What can I do for you, Mr. (Y/L/N)?" Tommy asked (Y/N)'s father then, his eyes trained on the man who still looked so out of place.
"I'm not here to spend any money," the older man quickly replied, a rather sour look present on his face.
"I never thought you were," Tommy responded, hoping that his level voice would ease the other man's inhibitions. "Has something happened to (Y/N)?" he asked then, his brows furrowing as a feeling of worry washed over him.
Mr. (Y/L/N) looked around the room for a moment before his eyes found Tommy's again. "Can we speak somewhere more private?" he requested, the inflection of his voice not giving Tommy any concrete answer to his question. He hated that.
"We can," the gangster nodded, then moving towards one of the private offices - a little too quickly for his liking. "Has something happened to (Y/N)?" he asked again once the two men were behind the closed door.
(Y/N)'s father sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, shaking his head every so slightly before he began speaking, "I know what you do...and I know that it's not right, nor good..." he started, his eyes darting around the room so he wouldn't have to hold Tommy's stare. "But I've seen you with my daughter, how you've tried to open up and let God into your life..." he paused again, taking another deep breath. Tommy wished he'd say what he needed to already. "She sees something in you that I can not, Mr. Shelby, and I hope that you see something in her that goes beyond physical desire."
"Way beyond, Mr. (Y/L/N)," Tommy was quick to tell him, "she's...she's changed me in ways I'd not thought possible."
"Good," the older man nodded, looking pleased with the response he'd gotten. Silence hung in the air then, and both men stared at each other. It was almost like one was waiting for the other to crack; for the other shoe to fall. Mr. (Y/L/N) was the one to speak first. "You have my blessing. You can court my daughter."
Tommy exhaled the breath he didn't know he was holding upon hearing the other man's statement. He immediately extended his hand. "Thank you, Mr. (Y/L/N)."
"Treat her well, Thomas," her father sternly said, accepting the handshake Tommy had offered.
"I will."
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Tommy and (Y/N) arrived at the road to (Y/N)'s home, and (Y/N) turned to face him like she always did. She smiled at him, sweetly thanking him for walking her home from church. Tommy smiled at her, tipping his hat and making her giggle - like he usually did. (Y/N) then leaned in and pressed her lips to his, giving him the quick kiss that she'd always leave him with. This time, however, Tommy's hands found her waist and he held her close to him when she pulled away.
"Be mine," he whispered against her lips, pulling back slightly so that his eyes could find hers.
"Tommy," (Y/N) breathed in response to his statement, "my father..."
"He gave me his blessing," he assured her, "will you be mine, (Y/N)?" he asked this time.
A smile spread across (Y/N)'s lips as butterflies erupted in her stomach. This is what she'd been waiting for. Everyone had told her that Tommy Shelby was a man who was to be feared, but that was not the Tommy Shelby that she had the pleasure to know; to get close to. And now he was asking her the question she'd hoped he'd ask ever since the first kiss they shared.
"Yes, Tommy," she answered with a slight nod, excitement bubbling up inside of her, "yes, I'll be yours."
Her words made a smile form on Tommy's face, and instead of saying anything in response, he leaned in and kissed her, showing her how happy he was to hear her answer through the passion he put into the kiss. She was the only person who'd get him to change his ways...and now she was his.
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**a little bit about the background: this was based off of a vignette that I read in a book about America in WWI ā€” a man, who was rather rowdy, into no good things, took interest in a woman, and the womanā€™s father told him that the only way heā€™d get to court her is if he came to church. The man essentially changed his lifestyle around for her because he was so interested in her and they eventually got married ā€” so just like Tommy, he got the girl.
ā€”ā€”ā€”
Tagged: @mystcldydrms @the-anxious-youth @cloudofdisney @look-at-the-soul @elenavampire21 @mrsalwayswrite @julkaamazing @evita-shelby @lilyrachelcassidy @notyour-valentine @shelbydelrey @theshelbyslimited @peakyswritings @just-a-blackhole @watercolorskyy @strayrockette @peakyduchesss @alexxavicry @captivatedbycillianmurphy @yummycastiel @dark-academia-slut @tommystargirl @emotionalcadaver @stevie75 @lyarr24 @signorellisantichrist @zablife @anotherblinder @cillmequick @dandelionprints @letal-y-poetica @garrison-girl-08 @insanitybyanothername @depxiety @raincoffeeandfandoms @dragons-are-my-favorite @forgottenpeakywriter @cljordan-imperium @brummiereader @red-riding-wood @everythingelseisextra @little-diable @thomashelbyswife @shaddixlife
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madelynn-sienna Ā· 2 months ago
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ms americana and the heartbreak prince (logan sargeant x reader)
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ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
ā˜…Ā prompt : ā›ā› it's you and me, that's my whole world... āœāœ ā˜…Ā pairing : logan sargeant x reader ā˜…Ā face claim : unnamed women on pinterest ā˜…Ā genre : fluff and comfort ā˜…Ā a/n : i wanted to release this yesterday but got a bit busy, but in light of william's announcement, i figured a happy, feel-good logan piece would be nice for fans of his out there (+ i feel really bad for him) šŸ„ŗ ā˜…Ā feedback and requests are always appreciated!
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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liked byĀ yourinstagram,Ā williamsracing,Ā logansargeant and others
f1 šŸš© Red flag in FP3 at Circuit Zandvoort as Logan Sargeant suffers a huge crash. Thankfully the Williams driver is out of the car and reports that he is doing okay, but the same cannot be said for his car.
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user1 he's making williams bleed money.
user2 he is definitely bringing in more than he costs. user3 logan's been in what four crashes already? user4 he's made them lose at least $3 million in repair work.
user5 glad he's okay!!
user6 they need to fire him.
user7 exactly, logan isn't good enough to race in formula one user8 dude roscoe or leo could probably drive better than him user9 honestly, how does he have a job atp user10 petition to fire sargeant before monza
user11 why is he still here?
user12 right? the crash was so avoidable. user13 he should have been replaced over summer break.
user14 how does his guy have any fans?
user15 he doesn't user16 mainly just fangirls who like him for his looks user17 how does he still have a car or a team?
user18 just sack him honestly
user19 guys stop saying bad things about him, i can't like everything!
user20 you got me at the first half šŸ˜‚
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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williamsracing We'd like to thank Logan for his work over the past two seasons. He will continue as a member of the Williams family and we wish him all the best for his future endeavours.
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user1 good riddance
user2 right? how did that guy have a car for this long!? user3 i mean i can drive better than logan šŸ˜‚ user4 that's not too difficult uk, just don't crash ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½
user5 well done williams!
user6 took them long enough to come to their senses user7 now that they have a good car, it really was time to sack him
user8 i feel so bad šŸ’”
user9 thank god, he's just a financial liability
user10 bye bye šŸ˜Š
user11 really was about time! user12 can't wait to see colapinto in the car user13 watch him make the points in his debut race user14 that'll be so embarrassing for sargeant user15 who cares?
user16 nooooooo šŸ¦… šŸ‡ŗšŸ‡ø
user17 let's go franco colapinto šŸ‡¦šŸ‡·
user18 is this really a shock to anyone?
user19 i was counting down the days after zandvoort user20 i thought they'd sack him right after that fp3 crash!
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
text exchanges between y/n & logan dated 27/08.
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logansargeant added to their story.
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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yourinstagram there's escape in escaping.
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lilyzneimer this is so cute šŸ’–
user1 couple goals fr fr
user2 right? i need a logan in my life šŸ„ŗ user3 why so he can crash into you? man's jobless.
logansargeant a much needed break with my favourite person ā¤ļø
yourinstagram you deserved every second of it! logansargeant thank you for making it so special, babe. logansargeant i'm still smiling šŸ˜Š yourinstagram awww, i love you more than words can describe šŸ’• logansargeant not as much as i love you, but nice try šŸ˜‰ user4 why are they so adorable?!?
oscarpiastri i hope you two enjoyed france, it's a beautiful place!
user4 i'm sure they did šŸ‘€ yourinstagram we had a great time, got to visit annecy too. lilyzneimer they took our suggestion oscā£ļø
alexalbon been to france twice in less than two months šŸ˜®
logansargeant did it without the yacht this time dude. yourinstagram its logan's new favourite country šŸ‘€ user5 what happened to mr america?! logansargeant the betrayal babe šŸ˜¢
user6 they're so cute together šŸ«¶
user7 right? we love ms americana and her heartbreak princešŸ’œ
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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logansargeant Couldn't be prouder, dr. l/n šŸŽ“ ā¤ļø
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georgerussell congratulations y/n!
yourinstagram aww, this is so cute babe - i'm going to cry šŸ„ŗ
logansargeant you deserve this moment so much ā¤ļø logansargeant i can't wait to watch you shine as a doctor šŸ¤©
lilymhe such a beautiful graduation šŸ’•
alexalbon where are my photo credits logan?!? congrats y/n
logansargeant you took one picture. alexalbon which you used! yourinstagram why do i sound like an afterthought alex šŸ˜¢ alexalbon sorry? šŸ˜… yourinstagram that sounds like a question, i'm heartbroken! alexalbon you're dramatic yourinstagram well, so are you. logansargeant presenting the drama king and queen, everyone. user1 i live for the alex and y/n banter! user2 right? they are so sibling-coded.
oscarpiastri we're so proud of you, y/n!
lilyzneimer ā¤ļø
user3 excuse me, logan's girlfriend is a doctor?!?
user4 yeah, she graduated from oxford, she's like super smart! user5 i'm so happy for her tbh
user6 love how successful they both are rn!
user7 right? logan's doing amazing in indycar rn šŸ¤© user8 they're honestly living the american dream user9 after all the williams and f1 drama, i'm so deserve it
user10 it's giving miss americana
user11 so demure, so mindful user12 that trend's getting so old now šŸ˜­
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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yourinstagram It's you and me, that's my whole world šŸ’ šŸ«¶
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user1 oh. my. god.
user2 we're finally getting mr and mrs americanašŸ¤© user3 i can't believe she'll be mrs sargeant soon!
lilyzneimer congratulations šŸ’•
user4 just can't take the florida out of the man
user5 i was just about to comment that! user6 this is definitely in fort lauderdale user7 they met there, so it's probably really special <3
georgerussell can't wait for the wedding mate!
alexalbon can we take a minute to appreciate my help?
logansargeant shhhhh šŸ‘€ yourinstagram go on... lilymhe please, you literally did nothing alex alexalbon i did too, i let logan borrow the marquee letters! lilymhe you let him borrow two m's and a y user8 i live for lily roasting alex in the comments šŸ˜‚
oscarpiastri congrats, just saying, i expect an invitation šŸ„ŗ
yourinstagram the matchmaker gets a spot on the bridal party šŸ‘€ user9 oscar introduced y/n and logan?!? user10 don't be afraid to spill the story oscar, we're all waiting...
user11 this is going to be the wedding of the year!
user12 more like the century user13 of course, it's the royal american wedding šŸ¦… šŸ‡ŗšŸ‡ø
user14 i'm so happy, this has been such a good year for them
user15 right? y/n's a doctor now and logan won rookie of the year user16 what a turnaround after his f1 career user17 counting the days till they're begging him to return user18 his replacements haven't even bagged any points šŸ˜‚
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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yourinstagram I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover...
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logansargeant you made me the luckiest man alive, mrs sargeant ā¤ļø
logansargeant or should i say dr sargeant šŸ‘€ yourinstagram not as lucky as i am mr sargeant šŸ’• yourinstagram or should i say indycar drivers' champion šŸ˜‰
oscarpiastri so happy for the two of you!
lilyzneimer what a beautiful wedding ā¤ļø
user1 you can't just drop a whole wedding with no warning šŸ˜­
user2 right? like i'm going to need 2-3 days to recover user3 i love how they were able to keep a whole wedding hidden user4 exactly, i'm glad they got some privacy.
alexalbon and best man of the year goes to...
oscarpiastri me! alexalbon the lies, the outrage, we both know it was me šŸ˜® oscarpiastri please. alexalbon y/n, logan, what's the verdict? yourinstagram i plead the fifth! logansargeant what she said. alexalbon traitors.
user5 y/n's the prettiest bride i've ever seen šŸ’•
user6 and logan's the most handsome groom! user7 they really are a match made in heaven. user8 i'm so, so happy for them!
user9 these pictures are so cute
user10 definitely the wedding of the year šŸ’–
user11 that dip is so extra, but we love it šŸ’™
user12 presenting miss americana and her heartbreak prince!
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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logansargeant I was enchanted to meet youā£ļø
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yourinstagram the best christmas gift ever ā¤ļø
logansargeant absolutely, i couldn't have asked for anything more logansargeant thank you for giving me this opportunity darling šŸ’• yourinstagram couldn't have done it without you love šŸ’– alexalbon they may be all love dovey here, but that's all lies alexalbon y/n threatened logan so many times during labour šŸ˜‚ lilymhe cut my girl some slack, you'll have a broken hand if you put me through that kind of pain šŸ˜  alexalbon but babies? šŸ„ŗ user1 we all know who's sleeping on the sofa tonight...
oscarpiastri so who do we have a godfather in mind?
alexalbon we both know it's going to be me. oscarpiastri i'm just saying, i am more responsible alexalbon for the 100th time, i didn't lose my cousin oscarpiastri no, you just misplaced him in a massive crowd šŸ‘€ user2 i didn't know i needed alex and oscar banter in my life.
user3 awww, the baby is so adorable
user4 right? logan and y/n make such cute babies user5 i wonder what they've named the baby... user6 we all know it's going to be the most american name ever!
user7 congratulations!
georgerussell amazing news guys! can't wait to meet her šŸ’•
estebanocon FĆ©licitations Ć  vous deux!
ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ļ½„ļ¾ŸĀ·:ļ½”ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„Ā ļ½„ļ¾Ÿļ¾Ÿļ½„ āœ© ļ½„ļ¾Ÿ
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logansargeant I am incredibly excited to announce that i'll be returning to formula one in the coming season to drive for Haas. I would like to thank Andretti for giving me three phenomenal seasons with IndyCar and two drivers championships. I wouldn't be here without your help and guidance. This a dream come true for me, and I cannot appreciate my wife enough for all the sacrifices she has made and love and support she has showered me with in the last seven years. I am who I am today because of her.
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yourinstagram so proud of you logan, i love you ā¤ļø
logansargeant you mean the world to me, i love you so much šŸ’•
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sashaisready Ā· 21 days ago
Text
Starting Over: Chapter 5 - Better
Mob!Bucky x Female Reader
Series Masterlist
When Bucky throws you out of the house for a betrayal and won't listen to your side of the story, you know the only way out is through - it's time to start over. Maybe this was never going to be your happy ending.
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Hi! I'm sorry this took so long, work has been kicking my bum lately and I haven't had much writing time. But it's here - the final part! I hope you like it. Thanks to everyone who has reblogged/commented/engaged with this story - it means so much. Thank-you!!
šŸ’”
One week laterā€¦
You were cleaning tables when you glanced at the dinerā€™s clock and realised it was almost 9am. Friday was here once againā€¦
ā€¦Would he be in as usual?
It was raining heavily outside, throughout the early shift your regulars had rushed in and shaken the sogginess off their coats and umbrellas once they were safely over the threshold of the diner. Youā€™d chatted with them, commiserating with them about ā€˜this damn weatherā€™ and promising to warm them up with coffee and breakfast.
Youā€™d spent your time off this last week popping into the hospital to see Lou. He was doing well, making progress, but the road to recovery was long. He needed to make major adjustments to his lifestyle and potentially engage in physical therapy as they think heā€™d also had a small stroke. He got his personal mail delivered to the diner and asked you to open it and keep him updated with anything pressing. The medical bills youā€™d seen were already dizzying and his insurance only covered part of it, but you couldnā€™t bother him what that just yet ā€“ he didnā€™t need the stress on top of everything else. Youā€™d figure it out. You always did.
Lou had made you acting manager to pick up the slack while he was gone. You were pulling extra hours, working overtime to ensure the ship remained afloat while the captain remained on the shore. It was tough, but you couldnā€™t deny you loved the buzz of being in charge ā€“ of keeping everything moving.
You hadnā€™t seen Bucky since that night at the hospital. Heā€™d insisted on driving you home after youā€™d said goodbye to Lou, ignoring your protests that the subway was perfectly fineā€¦
ā€œThe subway, doll? Fuck no. Not on my watchā€.
Youā€™d rolled your eyes, knowing you didnā€™t have the energy to fight him after the evening youā€™d had. He knew it too. Youā€™d merely sighed and hopped into the back of his SUV as you gave him your new address, giving a little wave to Clint who was driving.
The two of you sat in the back in silence for the entire journey, you watched the city flying past you from the window and it felt strange that the outside world was just continuing around you like normal while yours had almost collapsed.
The car rolled to a stop in front of your building, and you turned to Bucky. He seemed to be studying you carefully, concern drawn across his features. Even after all this time and distance, the beauty of his face still took your breath away at times.
ā€œThank-youā€¦for the ride. For dinner. For showing upā€¦all of it,ā€ you said softly.
He nodded stoically, ā€œalways. Lookā€¦no matter what happens between us, Iā€™ll always show up for you if you need me. Any time, any place. And Lou is going to be just fine, alright?ā€
Almost instinctively you found your hand sliding across the leather of the seat towards him. He looked down as your hand moved to find his. You clasped your fingers around his metal digits, the cool sensation against your skin was something you hadnā€™t felt in a long time. They in turn wrapped around yours and the two of you sat holding hands for a short while. You didnā€™t speak or look at each other, just both existing in the moment and concentrating on the feeling of your hands entwined. You paused, wanting to say more ā€“ but unable to quite find the words.
Eventually you couldnā€™t bear the strange tension in the air. You gently withdrew your hand and cleared your throat as you shuffled across the seat towards the door.
ā€œWell, thanks again. And for the ride, tooā€.
ā€œAnytime. Nice buildingā€¦ā€ he peered out of the window at your apartment block.
ā€œAh yeah, thanks,ā€ you said proudly.
ā€œYou doing okay, living there?ā€ he asked quizzically in his Brooklyn-lilt, his brows furrowed.
ā€œMmā€¦I mean, itā€™s not as fancy as your place,ā€ you chuckled, ā€œitā€™s kinda cramped and small, but itā€™s cosy and warm. And itā€™s mine,ā€ you told him with fondness.
He smiled, but it didnā€™t quite meet his eyes. ā€œMy place was yours too, you knowā€.
You chewed on your lip, you hadnā€™t intended it as a slight against him. ā€œI-I know Buckā€¦butā€¦you know what I meantā€.
He nodded reluctantly. ā€œYeahā€¦thatā€™s good. Iā€™m pleased for you, reallyā€. His nose crinkled as he looked at you fondly. It was a little mannerism of his that youā€™d missed.
You shared a small smile before getting out of the car and heading inside. You couldnā€™t quite bring yourself to look back at the car, a storm of emotions fighting to escape you. Your fatigue mixed with your anxieties about Lou, confusion about this sudden shift with Bucky now swelling. You could tell from the quiet behind you that the car hadnā€™t pulled away yet, no doubt waiting until you were safely off the street. You put your key in the door and quickly moved inside.
That was last week. You hadnā€™t spoken to him since, although youā€™d wondered if you should reach out. You thought he mightā€™ve been in touch ā€“ a text, a call, but nothing. It was nice, he was leaving the ball in your court and not crowding you, respecting the boundaries youā€™d established. But part of you couldnā€™t shake the small sense of disappointment that lingered, too.
The fact was you couldnā€™t deny that something was stirring. Bucky, who youā€™d long written off and blacklisted for his betrayal, had started to be on your mind more and more. He had crept back into your brain.
You didnā€™t believe the old adage that time healed all wounds, but it had certainly helped. The space youā€™d had from him a year on from the incident had allowed you to find yourself again, the parts that you hadnā€™t realised youā€™d lost after diving headfirst into your relationship with Bucky. You still felt immense pain when you thought about what happenedā€¦but you also thought about how he had been true to his word. He hadnā€™t tried to force you back, not aggressively pursuing you or trying to talk you round. His weekly mornings at the diner had never felt pointed or manipulative. You believed that he was just happy to have you in his life, like heā€™d said. Youā€™d since found your own place, started therapy and looked at your own issues, thrown yourself into work. Remembered who you were before you were ā€˜mob boss girlfriendā€™. You knew that what had happened with Bucky was not your fault, it wasnā€™t your job to reflect and change accordingly ā€“ that was all his. But still, having the space and time to work on yourselfā€¦it was refreshing. One small silver lining on this ugly, black cloud.
Youā€™d also been on a few dates over the last few months. Nothing to write home about. A few nice guys, a few less than nice guys. Nothing had truly sparked for you; nobody had piqued your interest enough to want to really explore more than a few dinners or coffees. Maybe it was because of how things ended with Bucky, or you just hadnā€™t met someone right for you, or maybe you were just off dating altogetherā€¦But it wasnā€™t something you felt real enthusiasm for at this point. But that was okay. It had been fun to dip your toe back in the dating pool, and you werenā€™t averse to trying again when the moment was right, or you met the right person.
Unless of course, it was because someone else was on your mind.
Your slow burn friendship with Bucky had crept on you, taken you by surprise. The man who had once broken your heart now had a new place in your life. It was strange, but in some ways, you knew him better than you had when you were together. Despite your previous connection - your conversations had opened territory up youā€™d never covered together before, previously too caught up in passion and heat to dive as deeply as you had now.
And most importantly, he had shown up for you that night at the hospital, been there for you without you needing to ask. He had brought you dinner and stayed by your side without a word, because he knew you needed not to be alone ā€“ needed support. You were touched by his care for you, his willingness to clear his schedule for you at the drop of a hat. It meant a lot. It meant everything. He had intuited how you felt and acted immediately. He was there.
You didnā€™t know what it meant, if anything. Something had changed, the safe barrier of diner breakfast chats had been crossed. Part of you was panicking ā€“ no! Donā€™t let him get close, not again! Remember what he did! But another part of you had missed him deeply, longed to hold him again and wake up to him each morning. Your thoughts were a spiralling mass of contradictions and conflict, nothing made sense.
You werenā€™t sure if you could ever truly forgive him for what happened.
But could you try?
Roscoe snapped you out of your thoughts as he passed you the latest batch mail on his way by. You thanked him, flicking through the junk mail until your attention was caught by the hospital logo on one of the envelopes. You winced, tentatively ripping open the paper as you braced yourself for the latest bill.
You cursed under your breath as you unveiled the total figure, a stupid amount of money. You spiralled as it sank in, wondering if Lou would have to sell the diner in order to settle his debt. You knew he didnā€™t have anywhere near enough in his savings. You thought about all the jobs that could be at stake, including yours, and your heart ached most of all knowing that the restaurant was Louā€™s baby. It would break him to give it up.
Maybe you could call them, sort out a payment planā€¦something?
You tried to calm yourself down, thinking about what your therapist would say about your immediate jump to the worst-case scenario. Relax. You can fix this. Remember your mindfulness exercises. Life would find a way.
The opening of the front door pulled you from your catastrophising. You glanced over, making eye contact with a rather damp Bucky as he entered the diner. He sighed, shaking the rain from his coat as he scoffed and rolled his eyes.
ā€œA lovely morningā€¦ā€ he muttered, deadpan.
You smiled, stuffing the hospital bill into your apron pocket and going to grab the coffee jug, ā€œMorning, Buck. Get a little wet?ā€
ā€œA little,ā€ he gruffed, slotting himself into his usual booth.
You chuckled as you filled up his mug.
ā€œHowā€™s Lou?ā€ he asked, shaking the rain from his hair.
ā€œHeā€™s doing better, thanks for asking. Theyā€™ve got a whole treatment plan worked out for him - so thatā€™s positiveā€.
ā€œGood. Glad to hear. You over here running the show while heā€™s out?ā€
ā€œSomething like that,ā€ you smiled, then shuffled on your feet as you realised you needed to talk to him. ā€œBucky, I-ā€
A loud clatter and exclamation from the kitchen cut you off, causing you both to look over at the disturbance. You sighed with exasperation.
ā€œAh. Duty callsā€¦Iā€™ll put your order in while Iā€™m in thereā€.
You rushed off to sort out whatever mess waited for you in the kitchen as Bucky smiled playfully at your annoyance.
He noticed something had fallen out of your apron as you dashed off. A piece of paper. He leaned over to pick it off the floor for you in case you needed it. Before he realised it was private and had a chance to look away, his eyes were immediately drawn to the monstrous sum at the bottom of the page. Ah. He grimaced as he quickly put two and two together, folding the paper neatly and leaving it on the table. He took a sip of his coffee.
You appeared a little while later with his order, sighing heavily as you placed the plate in front of him.
ā€œSorry about thatā€¦Roscoe and Ron were fighting about if the bacon was too crispy, and some trays got caught up in the carnage. Never a dull moment around hereā€¦ā€
You suddenly noticed the paper on the table, your words trailing off as your eyes locked onto it. You snatched it away quickly, shoving it into your apron.
ā€œThatā€™s notā€¦thatā€™s-ā€ you floundered, embarrassed for him to have seen it.
ā€œIā€™m sorry, I wasnā€™t trying to snoop. You dropped it, so I picked it up and then realised what it was,ā€ he explained softly.
ā€œItā€™s fine. Iā€™m dealing with it,ā€ you shrugged, desperate to appear nonchalant.
ā€œSit down, dollā€, he said sternly.
You scoffed, ā€œBuckyā€¦Iā€™m busy running a restaurant hereā€¦ā€
He paused, looked up and bellowed across the diner, ā€œRoscoe! Ron! Handle things while your boss takes a break!ā€
You rolled your eyes, turning to see Roscoe and Ron nodding furiously as they scattered and suddenly started working harder than youā€™d ever seen them. They had always been afraid of Bucky. You stifled a laugh.
ā€œProblem solved, now sit,ā€ he gestured.
You reluctantly sat down opposite him, ā€œBuckyā€¦ā€
ā€œWeā€™re gonna talkā€.
ā€œI donā€™t need-ā€
ā€œNo. Letā€™s do thisā€, he said sternly.
You folded your arms in front of you, fully aware that you resembled a petulant teenager but not caring enough to stop.
Bucky cleared his throat, taking a sip of his coffee before picking up the letter. ā€œNow, I donā€™t want to overstepā€¦but I can take care of this you knowā€¦ā€
You shook your head. ā€œNo. Thanks for the offer, but no,ā€ you told him firmly.
ā€œAlright. Thatā€™s fine. So, Lou has enough to cover it?ā€ he asked, ā€œall of it?ā€
You nodded a bit too quickly, ā€œmmhmmā€.
Bucky caught it immediately, your lie. You noticed the quirk of his brow and the subtle rubbing of his lips together. Damn him.
ā€œWell, thatā€™s a relief,ā€ he sipped his coffee again and ate a few forkfuls of his meal, then wiped his mouth with a napkin and tilted his head quizzically. ā€œGuess itā€™s all wrapped up, thenā€.
You nodded again in agreement, but knew he wasnā€™t done.
He took his time, casually taking a few more bites of his breakfast and sipping his coffee. You knew his relaxed demeanour was a careful faƧadeā€¦you had somehow found yourself at the centre of a famed Bucky Barnes interrogation.
You tried to appear relaxed, as if you had nothing more to add.
ā€œBecauseā€¦ā€ he started.
Ugh.
ā€œā€¦because, if he didnā€™t have enough. That would be a problem, wouldnā€™t it?ā€
ā€œMmm. It would. But itā€™s notā€¦soā€¦ā€
ā€œRightā€, he cut you off. ā€œBut if he didnā€™t ā€“ great eggs today by the way ā€“ if he didnā€™t, that would be putting this place at risk, right? All the staff here and their jobs. Your job?ā€
ā€œRight,ā€ you replied, your voice a little strained.
ā€œAnd of course Lou himselfā€¦he loves this place. Itā€™s his baby. Iā€™m sure heā€™d be devastated if he had to give it up to pay his medical bills. Especially as the last thing he needs right now is more stress and financial worries on top of his ill healthā€. He paused again to eat, not even looking up.
You nodded; your eyes now slightly cloudy now.
ā€œYepā€¦ā€ you said meekly.
He looked up at you, his eyes intensely locked onto yours, gesturing towards you with the fork. He was in full swing now. The diner suddenly felt much hotter, you could feel tiny beads of sweat forming on your forehead and the back of your neck.
ā€œAnd I hope it would be known, if that was the case of course, that my offer would have no strings attached. Because I could imagine someone might decline it out of pride, or concern that it would have conditions and that person would then be in some sort of debt to meā€¦either financially or emotionally. And if that was the case, Iā€™d want to reassure them that it would only be a friend looking out for a friend, helping because I want to, and I can, and God knows I should do something nice once in a while to even out my moral scalesā€¦ā€
The barrier broke and your tears finally escaped, the stress about Lou and this intimidating bill, and your confusion about how you felt for Bucky, all finally coming to the surface. You cupped your face in your hands as you quietly sobbed.
ā€œIā€™m sorry, I justā€¦Iā€¦ā€
Bucky moved like lightning, whipping around to your side of the booth as he swung in next to you.
ā€œHeyā€¦hey, itā€™s okay. Iā€™m sorry,ā€ he said softly, ā€œI didnā€™t mean to upset you. I just wanted to be clear what my offer entailed; but I understand why youā€™d be reluctant to accept my helpā€.
He pulled a few napkins from the dispenser and tenderly wiped away your tears.
ā€œIt wouldnā€™t be a loan, doll, and you wouldnā€™t need to make nice with me to say thanks. You could call me an asshole and dump these eggs on my head, and Iā€™d still pay in full with a smile. Thereā€™s no expectation here, no contract ā€“ legal or impliedā€.
You sniffed, looking up at him blearily, ā€œyouā€™d really do all that for meā€¦butā€¦why?ā€
He paused, then very delicately used his thumb to collect the tears forming at the side of your eye.
ā€œYou know why,ā€ he said plainly.
Your heart panged, and you looked down at your hands in your lap, clutching at one of the now-soggy napkins heā€™d given you. You sniffed again as you regained your composure, suddenly feeling exposed in front of him. The two of you stared at one another for a few moments and you were so desperate to tell him everything, but you couldnā€™t form the words. You hoped he would elaborate and fill in that gap for you, but he didnā€™t.
He quietly got up, putting on his coat and placing some bills down on the table to cover his check. He leaned over and kissed you on the crown of your head, then used a finger to tilt your chin up to look at him.
ā€œYou donā€™t have to decide anything now,ā€ he told you as he looked into your eyes, ā€œThink it over. Iā€™ll be back here next week like alwaysā€.
He smiled at you, then disappeared out into the street. You heard the roaring of the rain outside as the diner door opened, the little bell above the frame chiming to announce his departure.
You missed him already.
You looked down at the hospital bill in your hands, the total at the bottom practically screaming from the page.
Heā€™d hurt you so badly, you werenā€™t sure if you could ever fully forgive him for that fateful night. You understood it had been his insecurities, you understood he had lashed out after he thought his worst fears were realised ā€“ but that had only even explained his actions, not justified them.
Althoughā€¦heā€™d always been there over the last year. Slow and steady, but heā€™d taken the time to rebuild his relationship with you platonically. Heā€™d let you manage the pace, never tried to force anything more than you were willing to give him.
ā€¦and heā€™d been there for you.
He continued to be there for you.
It wasnā€™t about the money. He wasnā€™t trying to pay you off to win favour. He was just trying to be there for you, and this was something he had the power and resources to help you with.
He was your friend.
He loved you. Heā€™d continued to love youā€¦
ā€œAre you back off break, boss?ā€ Roscoe rudely interrupted your train of thought, ā€œRon said that the fryer-ā€
You were pulling off your apron before your brain could even catch up with your body.
ā€œNope,ā€ you shot back, firing out of the booth at full speed as you tossed the apron at him on your way out, ā€œa little longerā€¦ā€
You left Roscoe gawping in your wake as you sailed through the front door. You yelped in shock as you stepped out into the downpour, youā€™d forgotten about the mini storm happening beyond the restaurant doors. It was so dark outside it looked more like early evening than the morning hours. You looked down at your immediately soaked uniform, your work shoes flooding as you traipsed through the puddlesā€¦
Focus!
You surveyed the street, your eyes catching a brief glimpse of the SUV turning the corner. The instantly recognisable JBB107 plates drawing your focus in the split second before they vanished.
And so you ran.
You sprinted after the SUV waving your arms, shouting for it to stop. A concerned elderly lady asked if you were okay but you sailed on by. You mustā€™ve looked utterly insane.
You rounded the corner and rushed up behind the SUV as it slowed. The back door flew open, and Bucky suddenly appeared out of it, a look of horror on his face as the vehicle pulled over.
ā€œDoll! Jesus Christ, what the- are you okay??ā€ he shouted to you as you approached.
You didnā€™t answer, just flung yourself inside the car as you desperately tried to catch your breath. Bucky slid across the seat to give you room. The divider screen was up so you couldnā€™t see the driver. One less person to witness your mortifying display, at least.
ā€œFuckā€¦you must be freezing,ā€ he muttered as he pulled off his jacket, wrapping it around your shoulders and leaning over to close the car door behind you.
You were, your teeth chattered. Your hair was wet and matted, your uniform soaked through.
ā€œBuckyā€¦ā€ you said hoarsely as you dripped all over his plush car interior.
ā€œWhat is it, doll?ā€ he asked, his eyes wide and alarmed, ā€œwhatā€™s going on??ā€
You couldnā€™t find the words so you acted purely on instinct, you cupped his face and kissed him. Kissed him hard. Kissed him longingly. He caught up quickly and kissed you back, his fingers tangled in your soaking hair. It was desperate, messy. Your teeth clashed and your cheeks bumped. It had been so long that youā€™d lost each otherā€™s rhythm with this. But it didnā€™t matter. Nothing mattered. You couldnā€™t have waited any longer.
He pulled away, gawping at you incredulously as he held your face in his hands.
ā€œDollā€¦does this mean?ā€
ā€œLetā€™s go slow,ā€ you whispered, ā€œI appreciate everything youā€™ve done for me. The effort youā€™ve put into rebuilding us from the ground upā€¦for being my friendā€¦for never pushing meā€¦for Louā€¦but Iā€™m not sure Iā€™m ready to jump into this headfirstā€¦whatever this isā€¦ā€
He nodded, ā€œof course, anything you wantā€.
ā€œIā€™m not sure if I canā€¦fully forgive. But I want to try,ā€ you told him softly as you pressed your forehead to his.
He wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly as he sighed. A sigh of long held tension, of relief.
ā€œThank-you for giving me a chanceā€¦I didnā€™t think you ever would again,ā€ he admitted.
ā€œYeahā€¦well neither did I,ā€ you laughed,
ā€œWhat changed your mind?ā€
ā€œWellā€¦. how you showed up for me with Lou has made me rethink a lot of things. Plusā€¦the moneyā€.
He laughed, ā€œthe money? Really? This whole time I just needed to pay you off?ā€
ā€œNoā€¦ā€, You rolled your eyes, ā€œit was more that you offered, but you didnā€™t force anything, and you made it clear it was no strings attached. Itā€™s likeā€¦you want to help me, but you trust me to make my own decisions and donā€™t just try and fix it all for me, like you used to. I justā€¦it made me realise how much Iā€™ve missed you. But itā€™s gotta be different this timeā€¦ā€
ā€œYeah?ā€
ā€œYeahā€¦likeā€¦I want to stay in my apartment. And I want to keep my job,ā€ you said firmly.
He nodded, ā€œyeah. Of courseā€.
ā€œMaybe Iā€™d move back in with you one dayā€¦but I want my spaceā€.
ā€œOkay. You got it,ā€.
You smiled, ā€œyeah?ā€
He smiled back at you, the smile that still made you weak at the knees. ā€œDoll? If it means youā€™re by my sideā€¦Of course ā€˜yeahā€™. Anything you want. And I have some conditions tooā€¦ā€
ā€œWhat?ā€ you frowned. ā€œThis isnā€™t exactly a two-way negotiation, Buckā€¦ā€
ā€œJustā€¦listen. Theyā€™re conditions for me. I promise Iā€™m going to trust you entirely, and to communicate you with you properly ā€“ not let my emotions get the best of me. Iā€™m a different man to who I was the last time we were together. I know how lucky I am to get this second chance with you. Iā€™m not fucking it up. I'm gonna be...betterā€.
He spoke earnestly with such conviction that it was almost aggressive. You nodded gently, squeezing his hand. You believed him.
ā€œAlrightā€¦well, letā€™s give it a shot, shall we?ā€
He grinned, ā€œI canā€™t believe youā€™re hereā€¦ā€
ā€œMe neither. Butā€¦Iā€™m sorry Iā€™m dripping rainwater all over your carā€.
He shrugged. ā€œFuck the carā€.
And then he kissed you again.
Maybe you did believe in happy endings.
THE END
There we have it! I hope you liked where it went. I know some of you didn't think she should ever forgive him and I understand, and I'm sorry if you're disappointed! But in my eyes he had shown her he was willing to change...and she wasn't trying to rush back into anything heavy. Thank you for reading!
If you liked this story, please consider supporting me with my Ko-Fi link šŸ’
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mind-intheclouds342 Ā· 8 days ago
Text
Do it for them - Co-captain reader x Curly
Previous - Part 9 - Next
You banged on the door of the room where that man was locked up, waking him up abruptly.
"Let's talk"
Jimmy: "I thought visiting hours were over."
He complained, turning around to turn his back to the door.
"Don't try to be funny with me, Jimmy. What the hell did we do to deserve so much hate from you?"
Jimmy: "Don't play innocent, you know very well what you did!"
"Honestly, I have no idea! That's why I'm asking you!"
Jimmy: "Of course, because I was always the shadow of your dear husband. You never turned to look at me again after you got with him, you never smiled at me like you did with him, you didn't even speak to me. It was as if I were invisible to you!"
"Oh, of course I was looking at you!"
Jimmy: "Then why didn't you ever tell me anything?!"
He shouted that, getting up from his bed to head towards the glass that separated them, watching your face to see you when you replied.
"BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU!"
You screamed with all your lungs, to the point of making your throat hurt.
"You always brought trouble to Curly! He was always so naive, a sucker for approval, of being the good guy in the story, of not letting anyone down! That's why he never abandoned you! I knew better that's why i stopped talking with you! Because you were and are a piece of shit!"Ā 
Jimmy: "Oh, but you talk as if I were the only fucked up one in the story."
"Yes! I admit it! I was also a mess when I met Curly, but I did something, I was able to see beyond that mess I was, he showed me that I could improve, he gave me opportunities that I knew how to take advantage of and become a better person! In someone who could make his mother proud instead of making her cry because she didn't know if he was coming home or not!"
There was a silence when you finished saying that, until you saw him smirk, that reaction you didn't like at all.
Jimmy: "You're right, Curly loves to please, you should know that very well."
"Ugh, for the love of God, I don't know why I try to reason with you, it's impossible."
Jimmy: "But you were the only one who refused to give in to make me happy."
You opened your eyes wide upon hearing that, turning again to the man who still wore that smug smile.
Jimmy: "Just as beautiful and messed up as I am, I thought you would understand me, but then you became a good girl, yet I still hoped you would look at me..."
"Shut up-"
Jimmy: "Oh, and the damn way Curly talked about you, how incredible you are, so kind, hardworking, so beautiful."
"I tell you to shut up-"
Jimmy: "Those lovely moles in the center of your chest that look like a constellation"
"He wouldn't talk about those things with you!"
Jimmy: "I saw it myself"
You felt like you were going to puke at that moment, you didn't want to believe that he had really done something like that to you while you were unconscious, you didn't want your suspicions to be confirmed, you refused to believe it.
"Liar. Anya wouldn't leave me alone, she would lock the nursery door-"Ā 
Jimmy: "Yes, yes, she did that, it was a pain in the ass. Every night when she went to sleep, she locked the nursery with that code that only Curly and she knew... But that place wasn't closed while someone was inside."
"She wouldn't let you get close to me!"
Jimmy: "They were so sweet, Anya staying by your side saying she had to make sure all your signs were okay, and when she left, she would ask Swansea if he could keep an eye on you. But he was so depressed that he didn't dare to stay with you for long, so... I took his place to make sure you were okay."
"In front of Curly..."
You murmured at having to imagine the scene your husband had to witness without being able to do anything about it other than watch.
Jimmy: "That was the funniest thing"
You hugged tightly, feeling a horrible tingling all over your body, as if you were dirty.
Jimmy: "Swansea had no idea about anything, Anya didn't want to talk about it with anyone else. Thanks to her silence, I was able to finally look at that body that you always hide from me, thanks to Swansea's stupidity and feeling sad for his little captain, feeling all guilty and shit."
Swansea: "What did he just say..."Ā 
You turned to see Swansea at the end of the hallway, carrying Jimmy's rations, holding an axe firmly in the other hand; he had managed to hear everything.
"Swansea-"
Swansea: "Open the door, captain"
"Listen - it's not worth it, do you have any idea what they'll do to you if they find out you hurt someone from the crew? Please, I don't want them to lock you up."Ā 
You said immediately, positioning yourself in front of him, trying to get him to see you, but his eyes were glued to the door where he could see Jimmy's face.
Swansea: "How are they going to know? Let's say it was an accident. Open the door!"
You wanted to keep reasoning with him, but you couldn't deny that you also wished he would face consequences for his actions.
You took the axe from his hands, making him look at you annoyed.
"I won't take the risk of you killing him."
Those were your last words before opening the door, Swansea didn't take much more than a few seconds to fully open the door, step inside, and throw himself at Jimmy.
You could hear the sound of the blows, the insults, and the screams.
You stood at the door wide open, axe in hand, watching as the blood spread across the floor with each blow Swansea dealt.
You watched Jimmy and tilted your head, waiting for him to defend himself.
You wouldn't hesitate to cut off his hands if he touched Swansea.
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