#I'm healthy enough to not be depressed but I'm having a way harder time doing things.

[neverendingford]

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[greyskyflowers]

I've had these little partial plot bunnies for a while and have added to them as I think of stuff. I'm going to go ahead and thrown them on here though because they aren't doing anyone any good sitting in my drafts. Maybe it will help inspire someone else.

A/B/O Dynamic ideas with Omega Zoro and background/hinted Poly/QP Strawhats ~

*** :examples, additional info, how it relates to the crew

🌱 :how it relates to Zoro

• Omega are lighter than alphas and betas, that doesn't mean weaker or smaller. They're simply lighter.

*** Ex: If a omega and beta/alpha of the similar strength and build both step in the same puddle of mud, the beta/alphas will sink down further.

🌱 The reason Zoro can push off of Luffy or Sanji without any problems.

• Omega run cooler as a protection against overheating during their heats.

*** Beta and alphas tend to run warmer to provide for omegas if needed.

🌱 The outfit post time skip Zoro wears is due to him running a little cooler.

• Heats are usually a miserable experience. The body hurts like getting the flu, body temp shots up, and other things like headaches, loss of appetite, fatigue, etc.

*** Alphas and betas instinctively know where to press/massage on omegas to help relieve pain. Sometimes, even able to tell things before even the omega knows. Ex: they may get food ready even if the omega doesn't feel particularly hungry, they may know where bruises will form, can tell when a heat is coming, etc.

🌱 Zoro already has chronic pain that flares up during his heats, so the whole thing is usually miserable.

• Omegas have sharp teeth but thinner than betas and alpha. Omega teeth are meant for killing strikes, for ripping at veins and throats. Beta and alpha teeth are broad and sharp, meant for crushing and snapping.

🌱 Zoro doesn't fight with his teeth like some omegas do but he shows them off when he uses three swords. The teeth looking extra menacing when digging into the hilt of sword.

• Omegas require a lot of sleep. It has to do with their hormones and sometimes can change depending on how healthy or unhealthy a omega is.

🌱 Zoro naps constantly

• Omegas also require a lot of food. The same hormones that require a significant amount of sleep also requires a significant amount of energy.

🌱 Zoro doesn't eat as much as Luffy but he's usually not too far off.

• Scent glands are very sensitive, once a pack bond has been established and pack marks have been given/recieved, only pack can touch the scent glands without causing pain.

It's a comfort to have them nipped at very carefully, stroked or sucked on. Sometimes packs will nipped a little harder or dig their nails into scent glands if they're mad at their omega.

The scent gland releases a type of oil that varies on consistency and taste for each omega. Once pack bonds have been established, alphas and betas will seek out the scent and taste. Often when they're anxious or concerned, for affection, etc.

*** Scars on scent glands can cause a lot of problems. Due to the type of tissue that makes up scent glands, damge to it will often scar in a way that traps the oil and can make the scent glands ache.

Oil that's been trapped must be manually released with firm pressure and heat. The oil will become infected if not released correctly or frequently enough. This becomes very painful and the risk of a blood poisoning is high.

The trapped oil will be thinner when freed, often with the consistency of water rather than oil. The smell will also be too strong, like breaking a full perfume bottle. When released it will be mixed with blood and infection, usually a pinkish color or with spots of blood.

*** Omegas cannot scent right if their glands are not taken care of. This causes anxiety and depression since omegas will not be able to scent a nest or pack, leaving them feeling isolated even if they're not.

Trapped oil will also itch. This is often strong enough that omegas will scratch at the gland until it bleeds.

🌱 Zoro is terrible at taking care of himself when it comes to injuries and this includes his scent glands. The pack takes it upon themselves to make sure the glands maintained. The ones in his wrists and necks are the ones scarred.

• Scent glands are located on the neck, wrists and inner thighs.

*** Packs will often touch, bites, rub, etc at scent glands for bonding. Even the inner thigh ones will be caressed, it's doesn't have to be sexual, it's just intimate.

🌱 Usually they go for Zoro's wrists or neck since those are easiest to get too, those are the ones scarred though, so extra care is required when paying attention to them. The ones on his inner thighs are extra sensitive, as common with omegas, and are only focused on once in a while.

• It's incredibly dishonorable to aim for a omegas scent glands. People still do it but it's not something anyone should brag about.

*** Scars on scent glands or over pack marks are insulting to the pack and the omega. It's also incredibly painful to have pack marks or scent glands hurt.

🌱 Zoro has scars on his glands and it's a sore topic for the pack.

• Packs are very intimate, so they can be both sexual and/or platonic. Omegas provide balance for betas and alphas. Their scents and bonds create a healthy and comforting environment

🌱 The crew is very happy and healthy.

• It's a sign of power and strength to have a healthy and happy omega. It indicates the pack isn't worried about most threats, so they're able to take the time and focus required to take care of their omega.

*** Omegas will not go into heat in unsafe areas, it's very painful to withhold heats but it can be done. The body will not allow the heat to happen if it senses danger or feels unsafe.

🌱 Zoro has withheld his heat before and it never goes well. With all the other issues he has, withheld heats are brutal.

• Omegas nest, of course, but they also burrow. A combination of pressure and the instinct to find protection promoting them to create a nest and then cover it.

Pack nests are often bigger, made for the pack to be able to comfortably be near their omega and each other. Larger nests also allow omegas to feel comfortable in the nest with pack but also large enough for them to have a space with enough extra supplies that they can borrow.

*** A room may be considered a nest, filled with nesting supplies and carefully arranged. One corner may have additional nesting supplies available for the omega to cover themselves with if needed, while the rest of the nest remains comfortable and moveable for the pack.

*** Similar to how people find comfort in the pressure of weighted blankets.

🌱 Franky built a nesting room big enough for all of them. It's absolutely filled with nesting supplies. The floor is covered in pillows and mattressss.

• Alphas and betas may experience a type of itching or tingling in their gums when around their pack omega. This is a reaction to the scent of pack and omega. It's just a form of desire or longing meant to keep packs close together. This will often be relieved by biting, scenting or mating.

🌱 Luffy bites a lot.

• Dynamics and the instincts related to them aren't felt by anything but humans. That doesn't mean that others are excluded from the pack or don't feel pack bonds. It just means those instincts are very muted. Everyone can mark and be marked by pack bond marks if they want.

*** Ex: Chopper and Jinbei are pack of the pack but don't have to same desires or instincts as the others. It's more of a family type thing for them.

Brook, however, is a different situation. Since he was human, and is now human bones, he does have those instincts. However, while they are stronger than Jinbei or Chopper's, they are not as strong as they were when he was human.

🌱 They might be a little bias but they all think Zoro is the best omega.

• Omegas bruise easier, however that doesn't mean they're necessarily hurt more than alphas or betas. Hits that would hurt but not bruise on betas and alphas will hurt and bruise on omegas. The additional visibility on hurt spots and injuries is meant to prompt packs into protectiveness and care.

*** Ex: If a omega and alpha/beta both run their hip into the same corner of a table, same speed and force, the omega will get a bruise but the alpha/beta won't. No additional pain was felt by the omega. It's simply a evolutionary feature to prompt protection and care.

🌱 Zoro is almost constantly bruised.

• Omegas will purr when hurt and when happy. Purring can be used to self soothe when injured or hurting, and sometimes happens without the omega even noticing. It's not something controllable, they can not start or stop either instance of purring.

*** Happy purrs will often stay at one consistent pitch while hurt purrs will go up and down in pitch

🌱 Zoro was purring at Thriller Bark when the crew got to him after Kuma, the nothing happened barely understandable with the rough and unsteady purr breaking up the words when he spoke.

He purred when they all met up again after the two year skip, everyone grinning at the consistent sound and the faintest hint of pink on the top of Zoro's cheeks.

[theshiftingwitch]

hii i have a question… how can i manifest good mental health? for example, to make my depression go away and my ''bad thoughts'' go away too? I used to go to therapy, but I don't have the time or the conditions to do it anymore and I feel that my mental health is getting worse every day.

i also want to manifest other things but i can't do it in the state i'm in mentally and that makes me feel a bit frustrated and stagnant.

i'd like to know if it's possible to manifest good mental health and how i could do it. I'm sorry to throw this at you but I'm really in doubt about this. thank you (sorry my english is not very good)

It's definitely possible!

Okay, this feels like my area of expertise because I have done this before, so let me help you out:

First thing to understand is that manifestation works the same way for everything. From money to love to mental health to a totally different appearance, the rules are the same.

Decide, affirm, persist.

In your case, you decided to improve your mental health. Wonderful, it's already done.

Focus your affirmations on that topic. For as many times as possible during your day, affirm that you are healthy, physically and mentally. Affirm that you are happy and healthy and excited to live your life. Tell yourself that you have everything you want already and you can have, be, or do anything you want. Keep repeating those thoughts on a loop, listen to healing frequencies if you like, and visualize a happy life before you fall asleep.

The most important part is not to give up. It's going to be hard, especially the first few days. You're affirming for something that seems impossible because your brain is tricking you into thinking you can't change your mental health (it's your brain telling you you can't change your brain ! How silly is that?) but you have to fight those negative thoughts even harder than before. Every time you get an intrusive thought flip it around into a positive one. Are you going to let your brain bully you like that? No, you're the creator, that thing is just a machine. You control it.

Take it easy on yourself, you're already doing so good! You got this, soon enough you'll be healthy and happy and ready to take on the world!

Happy manifesting ❤️

[bettsfic]

“for so many years i had it in my head that if a process is harder, the result is better. it was that mentality that kept me in a job i hated for a long time. it's hard and i don't like it, therefore it's more serious and respectable. it was unconscionable to me to think that something fun and easy could result in something good.”

I do this^ and the fact that someone else could explain it and relate is so eye opening. I grew up with this mindset. Like I wasn’t smart or good enough unless I was struggling unless it was hard. If it was hard and I got something done, then I was a success. Never treated myself like it but that was my philosophy. If something was easy it was stupid and not worth doing. This causes a lot of issues.

I was wondering, if you’re comfortable. Can you talk more about this? And how you got out of this mindset? I’ve noticed that even in my writing I do this and not just in the work aspects of my life.

i think it comes from a place of learned hatred. in the same way learned helplessness develops when a person spends a significant amount of time in an environment where they have no control of or agency over anything, learned hatred is growing up in an environment where you are simply not allowed to exist as you are and you must change or adapt in order to survive.

when you're in a place where you're constantly made aware of your weaknesses and focus only on how to strengthen them, your awareness of your strengths (and the strengths themselves) atrophy. i think all the time about how in a different environment, at 18 it would have been so evident to me that i wanted to be a teacher. and i would have gone to college for teaching and then gotten a job teaching elementary school english or maybe even kindergarten. like if just one person said, "hey you've got real Bob Ross vibes" maybe my life would be completely different. but no, i had it in my head that obviously everyone wanted to become an elementary school teacher, so i couldn't be one, i had to do something no one wants to do, and i became a banker.

i took an IQ test last year, and i know IQ is bullshit, but i tested into like the 99th percentile of verbal intelligence. that's intelligence i've always had but didn't do anything with until i was 24, and because i didn't foster it by allowing myself creativity or really any self expression, my writing skills when i started writing were, well, bad. when i look at my earliest work from about 9 years ago, i can see that i was writing below the level i currently teach. at 24. with a bachelor's degree, having graduated magna cum laude. maybe i'm being hard on myself, but my point is that i was no prodigy. i could've been a gifted kid but i wasn't. i was too busy being dragged onto a baseball field to work on my terrible hand-eye coordination. i entered adulthood believing my work in this world was to deprive myself of happiness and pride myself in misery.

the attitude that changed my perspective was refusal. i refuse to suffer. that means i do everything in my means to alleviate any pain i experience--mentally, emotionally, and physically. and by "pain" i don't mean sadness, because allowing yourself to feel sadness when sadness is due is healthy, but things like abject dread, hating the idea of waking up every morning, things that can destroy you if you hold onto them for long enough. you have to let them go. you can't be complacent to your own pain anymore. when you get a headache, you take ibuprofen. when you come back up from a bad bout of depression, you drag your ass to the doctor to get meds and maybe therapy so it doesn't happen again. when you want something, you give it to yourself.

it's hard. it's hard because there's a benefit in bringing up your weaknesses. i pitched a perfect game in softball when i was a teenager. i'm more coordinated than i would have been if my dad hadn't forced me into every possible sport. working at a bank taught me much needed professionalism and organizational skills, and gave me stability during a time the economy wasn't stable at all. but on focusing on those things, i neglected to foster the stuff about me that was already pretty good.

you can strengthen your weaknesses, but you can also strengthen your strengths. your weaknesses do not have to be dragged up to the same level as your strengths. i made an okay banker. i was a pretty good pitcher. but i'm a great teacher. it took me years to learn finance and softball, but it took me one semester to get my bearings in front of a classroom. i'm a patient and nonjudgmental person. i love learning and so by definition i love explaining. i have a natural "yes, and" disposition. i respect everyone and take their work in this world seriously. i come from a long line of teachers. and yet somehow, despite all this, i had no fucking clue i was a teacher.

i love writing, but i'm not talented, not in the way i've seen talent in some of my students. having a high verbal intelligence only speeds up the skill leveling. and so writing is a side effect. writing is the subject i know well enough to teach at a university or masterclass level. writing allows me to process my own emotions and express myself creatively. writing feels good and it's fun. but teaching is my work.

who you are is okay to be. without trying, without any effort at all, there's something you're already great at. so keep your weaknesses weak and strengthen your strengths. refuse suffering. seek joy.

[omniseurs-blog]

I've been hearing recently from my brother and his GF that they're tired of being my parents.

It's hard to admit that you're not doing enough or that you don't take initiative or that you are, from an outside perspective, lazy. It's even harder to make permanent change and become better.

Yesterday I was proud to just shower and gargle some mouthwash, today the same reasons I haven't been showering or brushing my teeth bubble up. The bathroom door doesn't close all the way and I don't feel like it's private enough, I haven't done anything physical to "warrant a shower" (it's summer, it's hot, it's sweaty, I need to shower whether I see a reason or not), and "well I'm almost done with this task, I'll do it when I'm done", and then the task leads to another.

It's the same with any other thing, I don't clean the dishes because I'm not in the kitchen, because other people are in the kitchen, because it's not "mentally stimulating", because I just need to finish doing what I'm doing at the moment, because I'm tired, because...

The issue is me, the issue is I don't want to, the issue is I forgot, the issue is I'm busy, the issue is there's a rat in my brain that refuses to turn the wheel unless there's a giant chunk of cheese barely out of reach that it's convinced it can reach if it tries a little harder, and the cheese is missing for tasks that aren't seen as fun.

So how do I make this time different? How do I make this time fun? How do I make myself do it, never stop doing it, and want to do it more frequently?

Here's my current issue, if I stack habits like recommended, the only habits I have are waking up (around 11am-2pm), taking my meds (mostly around 12-4am), going to sleep (at inconsistent times, 1-6am), eating (at inconsistent times, sometimes skipping meals), and learning/doing hobbies (throughout the day). Anything else is on a day to day basis, sometimes missed for days or weeks on end, sometimes abandoned all together, no consistent time, no consistent schedule, no habitual reoccurrence.

I've tried stacking habits when I wake up, I managed to brush my teeth every morning for 2 weeks before the excuses piled up, the avoidance replaced the habit, and the guilt turned to "well, that's just how it is now". I've tried attaching a reward to it, but the reward became boring the same day it was added, I've tried switching rewards to playing video games, but the game became boring and I'm not interested in it as much as whatever I was actually interested in, I've tried switching it to "just doing anything else", but it felt like a punishment and I avoided it, I've tried switching it from a reward to trying to see it as a mandatory part of living, but my brain went "you're disabled, your style of living is different from normal", and lastly, I tried some of the advice in "atomic habits", repeating to myself "I am a clean person, I am healthy, I am not a smoker" and this is where I would say I am lost "because I tried everything"

But that's the thing, I am not lost. I am mentally ill, I do struggle with depression and disorganized behaviors. This is an ongoing problem. On top of that, I gave up over and over. I tried some of those only once, and after that first time, like many people do, made the mistake of "if it doesn't work once, it will NEVER work!", in the spirit of repeatedly blowing into a cartridge until it does work, that's almost never the case. Imagine having that mindset while learning to do a backflip or learning a martial art, or learning a sport, or learning to draw. It's either the way you did it, how quick you gave up, or the environment you were doing it in.

Here's my goals going forward

-try ANY of the methods again, ANY of them

-Stick with that specific method for at LEAST 30 days, not even necessarily 30 days in a row, but a total of 30 days

-if it doesn't work after 30 days, try ANOTHER method for at least 30 days

-slowly stack up habits, if it begins to crumble, remove a habit

-start a routine, go to sleep and wake up consistently, take medications consistently, and eat consistently for the bare minimum

-adapt as symptoms get better or worse

[cordeliatheodoro]

Things I learned over my 5 years as a chronically ill person:

Obs: I have some kind of illness that's similar to Chron's disease, but like, not as bad. It still impacts my life in more ways than I ever expected, including fucking up my liver and mental health. Anyway;

Eating the "wrong" thing is better than not eating - when you have an illness that affects your appetite, the best course of action, in my experience, is to eat what you feel like eating. If that means having a jar of cookies for lunch, it's completely fine. Eat what you know your body will accept, because that's better than not eating anything or having your body reject what you eat.

Body fat = healthy - this is specific to my case, but I was just skin and bones before getting the right treatment. Even if I might feel bad because beauty standarts, getting enough weight and body fat to the point I became a midsized person (after years of being a walking skeleton) is something that should be celebrated. It means I'm eating enough and my body is becoming healthier.

You gain a hell of a pain tolerance - remember how I said my liver is fucked up? It means whenever I take painkillers, my stomach becomes a rebelious teen and tries to kill me. A.K.A, nausea, and actually throwing up if the medicine is too strong. I've learned to endure pain in order to not need painkillers, or to only take them if it becomes too much.

Kiss many adult experiences goodbye - Taking more than two sips of alcohol is a no-no, and don't even thing about drugs. I'm always the sober friend, which is not bad per se, but I would like it more if it was a choice.

You will be known as the sick friend (if you're the only one in the group) - I got sick at 12/13 and only got treatment for it at 16, so high school was HellTM. Get used to people asking if you're feeling alright everytime time your face moves two milimiters, and to cancel plans because you're sick. It also makes flirting with your crush harder, because they might see you as fragile (seems like people don't find you sexy if they know you have intestine problems).

Antidepressants are not exclusive for people with depression - Did you know the intestines are considered the second brain? Anyway, I was prescribed antidepressants (that also work as anxiety medication) to help with my chronic illness, and honestly, it kinda works.

Hope is good but don't hope too much - sounds depressing, but at least in my case, seems to be true. Things get better, and with the right treatment, you'll have a good life and achieve yours dreams, and overcome many, many symptoms and difficulties. And I really don't like thinking about it, but I know that this is probably my case, and it's a fact: I will never be 100% healthy again. Not like how I was before.

You won't have all the answers you want - I have an illness that's names, in my mother language, as "Indeterminate". It means doctors are not able to know how it developed, why it developed, if there's a cure, and how to treat it. The treatment I went through can only be described as "fuck around and find out". So yeah, sometimes you just have to accept there are no answers.

Anyway, this was depressing as shit, but I needed to get it off my system. To all my chronically ill siblings: hold on tight! We can do it!

[apoptoses]

WHY did Anne not include Daniel and Thorne in Marius’ painting at the end of Blood Communion?? Did she just forget??

The fact that she didn’t include Tarquin Blackwood and Mona Mayfair I already expected, because it was plain she did not want to follow up on their story’s at all because she disregarded their characters completely in the first two prince Lestat books (while introducing 200 new characters who I personally didn’t care about)

But did she literally just forget Thorne and Daniel? Daniel!!! He was kind of the reason the VC came into existence, is he not? And Thorne! Who even has actual lines in last three books!?

I love Anne’s writing dearly but some choices she has made regarding these books are utterly incomprehensible to me. I’ll never understand.

Ah man, I hate it too but I feel like there were a lot of reasons. And idk if you wanted to mutually vent or wanted my Actual Thoughts but I always kinda look at it like-

Anne sucked at continuity lol Which happens if you're writing a series for over 40 years! Lestat's eyes have been blue and grey and violet, his age has mortal age changed, and he was her top blorbo so like you'd think she'd nail down the facts about him perfectly? But sometimes she goofed or changed stuff. Which is why I never sweat too hard about exact canon facts, if Anne herself didn't have perfect continuity and I can make up a reason for a little change that makes sense in my narrative idgaf I'm gonna do it.

I think Daniel was hard for her in the same way Louis was hard for her- they both are avatars of dark times in her life. Louis was her depression over her own daughter's death, Daniel she poured her struggles with alcoholism into. And I can get her side lining them both because of not wanting to revisit that headspace and those memories. Which sucks for fans of those characters but it is what it is.

I also get the impression that she didn't really know what to do with a mentally healthy vampire that doesn't have shitloads of baggage? Like when Daniel comes out of his rough years in PL he's really on top of things, and Anne's happy place is developing new tragic backstories so...for better or worse that's what she did lol

And re: the hundreds of new characters, there's a whole chapter in Conversations with Anne Rice where she talked about wanting to explore the stories of mature adults, specifically older men. The loss of her father weighed heavily on her and drew her to create characters like David Talbot, and to lean harder into the story of guys like Marius who was 40-something in mortal body but thousands of years old in spirit. So you really see that with her later books, outside of Benji and Sybelle (who also get sidelined) and Rose and Viktor (who...same) she zero'd in on older vampires because that's what held her interest.

NOT THAT I DON'T ALSO HATE IT, I mean, obviously Daniel is a top favorite of mine. So take all of that, add in the fact that she didn't really use an editor and thus did exactly what she wished for all her work, and I think the conclusion is that she just lost interest/couldn't get a story going for them and so she left them out of the mural.

But god do I feel your pain, my kingdom for more content about established characters like Daniel, Bianca, Riccardo, Thorne and less random characters that didn't have enough page time to really develop 😢

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I'm still trying to not drink alcohol. It is difficult. Writing things down about it is helping. Posting them makes me feel a bit better even if no one reads them. TW for alcohol problems. Regular posting about radio shows from 2015 will resume shortly.

What’s up, everyone? I am not drinking in January, and I am not enjoying that. Honestly, it continues to be harder than I’d expected. I think I thought it wouldn’t be that bad because I went down to once or twice a week pretty easily. I was drinking too often during the pandemic years, and also during the ten or so years before that. I’d think I was doing pretty well if I only got drunk on one weekday in a week, and then again on the weekend. Usually it would be more like two or three or four times in the week.

Pre-COVID, I wouldn’t hesitate to drink when I had to work or go to school or coach tournaments the next day. But that changed during COVIDtimes, when I stopped being used to doing stuff in person. I got so anxious about whether I’d be able to get through the day during an in-person job at all, I can’t risk making it even harder for myself by adding a hangover, so I never have even one drink if I’m working any time the next day. So when I started working full time in person halfway through 2022, I quickly went from being able to drink any time to only being able to do it on Friday and Saturday nights.

I thought that might be difficult, but it wasn’t really. I mean, the transition to working full time in person was really, really difficult. I think that was so difficult that it shut out everything else. During the week, I was so busy worrying about whether the next day would be the one when trying to keep up social interactions all day would be too much and I’d have a panic attack while on the job and get fired, that I didn’t really think about wanting a drink. I just thought about getting through the day, how to eat enough and sleep enough to make that happen.

But I think that made the drinking on weekends even more important, as I get so very stressed during the week and then rely on being able to drink a bunch of whiskey at the end of it to relax and calm down and then feel reset and able to do the next week. Which I didn’t realize until I tried to give it up. I thought, at the end of December, that if it was not big deal for me to give up alcohol five days a week, it might be annoying but not that much harder to give it up just two more days.

That has not been my experience, as I do a second weekend in a row without alcohol, and yes obviously I am aware that if going two weeks without alcohol is this difficult then that is a sign of a problem. I keep reading and hearing things about how giving up drinking makes you feel better, but I’ve had the opposite effect so far. Last weekend I felt like I never properly relaxed, and then last week at work was even harder due to not having relaxed before it, and now it’s happening again. It’s not great. I realize this won’t get better until I find some other way of decompressing, but I’m not coming up with much.

I have tried going for several runs on the used treadmill that I recently bought and put in my basement, and those are nice, but then they end. What else do people do to relax when they’re being mentally healthy and not just locking themselves in their bedroom listening to old comedy recordings all the time? I guess socialize, but my entire social life is tied to a sport that I have stepped back from and hearing stories about it just makes me depressed about how I’ve stepped back from it, and the only thing I do with those friends besides talk about the sport is drink (well, we drink and talk about the sport and watch videos of it and play music). I’ve just moved in with my best friend, which is great, but he’s gone all weekend coaching a tournament and just texted me to ask if I want to have a drink when he gets back and I had to remind him that I already told him I’m not drinking in January.

I did tell him I’m doing dry January, I didn’t mention that it’s sort of meant to be the beginning of me trying to cut back significantly on drinking. It’s hard to tell people that, because then I’ll have to stick to it. Even on here. I made a Tumblr post a couple of weeks ago about realizing I drink too much and wanting to try to cut back drastically and/or stop, and to be honest, I’ve started writing a post like that several times in the last six month or so, and then stopped. Because if you say it’s a problem, then you have to change something.

It doesn’t mean you have to quit immediately; lots of people admit to having a drinking problem and then don’t quit for years or ever. But it does change things. If you tell a friend you think your drinking is a problem, then drinking with that friend won’t be fun anymore, that friend will watch you drink and get concerned rather than think it’s a good time. You won’t even be able to tell that friend stories about you drinking, because they won’t find it a fun story anymore, they’ll find it worrying.

Posting on Tumblr.com is the lowest possible level of this. No one on this website has the inclination to hold me accountable for not drinking, or would have the ability to do so if they did. No one sees me in person or knows what I’m doing, I could be drinking as I write this and no one would know (I’m really, genuinely not, I have honestly not had a drink since December 30 and I will honestly keep it that way until the end of January and then I will see). But I still hesitated for months to write a post about that, because I occasionally like posting on here about beers I had at a pub, or drinking whiskey on a Saturday night and then writing a Tumblr post about how I drank some whiskey and here are some things I think about comedy. And I didn’t want to cut off the option of being able to do that and have it be fun, instead of an admission that I have failed in my efforts to stop.

Also, I wouldn’t lie on Tumblr, even though I could. I’d feel too guilty. If I were to drink in January after specifically informing Tumblr that I’m not doing that, I wouldn’t even enjoy the drinking night, I’d just feel bad about being dishonest. Which is kind of why I made the post. Even if no one else is reading it and it doesn’t matter, I know I’ve put the information out there, and therefore, I have ruined my ability to have fun while drinking in January. You will notice that I did not make any hard promises about after that, because I didn’t quite feel ready to ruin my ability to have fun while drinking forever. I’m working on it, I really am.

But I made that post at the end of December because I decided I finally wanted to be really really serious about not drinking for at least a little while, and when you’ve decided that, you get to be honest about stuff. Normally, when I’m talking about my drinking habits in general, I tend to minimize things, refer to something as “once or twice a week” when it’s more like two or three times, say I only had six beers last night and not mention all the whiskey that went alongside them, that sort of thing. Or I’ll put a divide between social drinking and drinking alone – that’s a good way to lie to others and/or myself. If I drink with friends on weekends and at pubs after practice a couple of times a week, I figure I’m fine because I’m only drinking as much as they are. Not considering that after they get home from the pub they go to bed and after I get home from the pub I drink a bunch more by myself, and also I’m drinking by myself on other nights. Or I’ll say I’m doing okay because I only had one drinking night a week for the last while, in which I define “drinking night” as drinking a bunch of beer and whiskey alone in my bedroom while watching videos and listening to music, and I do not count the several times that I drank with friends.

Because you can’t admit how much you’re actually drinking until you’ve decided to cut back. “I drink this much, it’s way too much, I’m trying to stop” is a reasonable thing to say. “I drink this much, I know it’s probably too much but I really really like it so I’m going to keep doing it” is not something you can say. So I guess the advantage of deciding to cut back is I get to be honest about how much I was doing, instead of finding creative ways to minimize. The drawback is that I don’t get to have alcohol and I really really like alcohol. And once you’ve been honest, you can’t take it back. You can’t say “actually I’m drinking and it’s all fine now”, because no one will believe you, and rightly so.

The point is that I told Tumblr I think I have a drinking problem and want to try to stop, and I’m going to use dry January as a first step toward that and then see where I can go from there. While I told my friend/new roommate that I’m going to not drink in January, and I didn’t tell him more than that. Because he actually could keep me accountable, and I don’t want to have someone holding me to a promise to never drink again yet.

I’m trying to figure out if there’s some way I can do something besides quit completely forever, and have it not be unhealthy. I genuinely don’t know. I do think the month off from it is going to help in some way (it fucking has to, right? Because I’m really not feeling those promised benefits yet, I’m just more anxious). If nothing else, it’ll reset my tolerance a bit. If I could come out of this being able to get to a level of drunk that feels relaxing off significantly less alcohol than that used to require, then maybe I could keep that up? I did try that last year and it didn’t really work, but I didn’t go a month without drinking last year.

I made that post about my drinking habits a couple of weeks ago, and I kept referencing comedians’ way of talking about alcohol to explain what I mean. Because obviously you shouldn’t take major life advice from comedians, but also, hearing from them does sometimes help in really concrete ways. I’ve Googled signs that you have a drinking problem before, and it’s all stuff about how you know it’s a problem when you drive drunk (something I’ve never done and would never, ever do) or disappoint your children (I haven’t got any) or get fired from your job (I’ve gone into work hungover before, but never still drunk, and not even hungover anymore). It kind of helps to hear comedians talk about their “realizing they drink too much” stories, and those stories sound a lot more like my own experiences (just having too much in a pub or in a hotel while traveling or in your own house, hating yourself and getting paranoid about whether you were a terrible person the next morning), and I figure if they could have those experiences and think they have a problem, then maybe drinking can be a problem even if you don’t crash a car or anything.

Which brings me back to John Robins and Elis James, again. They have this ironic catchphrase “Keep it sessions” (the irony being that they’re self-aware of it sounding like a sort of bro catchphrase, though it also about something they genuinely do so it might not be all that ironic), which refers to John Robins’ preference for drinking session ale, which is beer that’s less than 5 percent. Because that way you can have more drinks before the point where you start drinking and the point where you get too drunk to keep going. So it sounds like a good way to engage in responsible drinking, and then turns out to just be an excuse to drink as much as possible.

I haven’t actually employed the method of drinking beer that’s less than 5 percent before, because that sounds a bit terrible, but I have done similar things. I remember in about 2019, explaining that to a friend of mine. I talked to him about the nights I spend drinking by myself in my bedroom, watching videos from my sport, and I find it fun to play a game where I drink for every point scored (this is a sport where several points get scored every minute, it’s not, like, soccer). I said I really like the game but have started taking smaller sips each time so I can play it for longer and do more matches. And said I was considering buying less strong beer so I could have more drinks in a night.

And he didn’t understand that. This is a guy who’d been my drinking buddy for ages, he liked alcohol quite a bit, I’d assumed in the same way I did. He certainly understood the idea of wanting to be able to get more drunk throughout a night, in a way that could be achieved by having stronger alcohol. But he didn’t see why I would be motivated to find a way to take more drinks – like literally take more sips of alcohol – between the beginning and the end of the night. And I remember that conversation making me realize there was a difference between what I got out of alcohol and what he did. I like the feeling of being drunk, but not just that. I like the psychosomatic experience of taking a sip of alcohol and feeling like I’m doing something that’ll make the world go away a bit. I like the feeling of whiskey burning in my throat and my chest for a few seconds after it goes down. I like the ritual, I like verbally (if I’m with others) or mentally (on my own) toasting to something or someone before I take a drink. I’d like to do that more times throughout a night, and my friend had no interest in it. He was in it for things like the pleasant buzzed feeling and the taste of craft beer.

So it is interesting to me, to hear that John Robins, when he was my age (I’m currently into the late 2015 episodes, when he was 33, as I am now), had the same idea that I did, trying to find ways to take more drinks throughout a night. And the way he talks about his drinking rules reminds me of the way I plan my own drinking as well. The rule about not starting before or after a certain time and then doing it right in the way you’ve perfectly worked out will maximize what you’re looking for.

I don't suppose there's a way to do the "keep it sessions" thing that that's actually healthy? Like drink low-percentage stuff while having a low tolerance, possibly achieved by not drinking at all for a month, and then you get to have the ritual of taking a bunch of drinks throughout the night and enjoy yourself, but you don't need to drink massive amounts of it just to get drunk?

I did look back last week and was a bit distressed to think of just how much time in the last few years I’ve spent trying to set everything up perfectly to have drinking go the way I want. Oh, and to avoid those next mornings where I become convinced that I behaved terribly and hate myself for it, even though my way of avoiding it involved drinking when my roommate wasn’t home and always using headphones so I couldn’t bother the neighbours and not letting myself message anyone, so I couldn’t have behaved terrible in front of anyone, but I’d still have the feeling that I’d done something horribly wrong that I should feel guilty about. I guess the lack of anxiety hangovers is one advantage of not drinking that I’m getting now? Kind of. I now just have a sort of low-level anxiety all weekend instead, I’m not sure that’s better.

I had all these other comedy references in this post I made a couple of weeks ago, but the one comedian quote that has gone through my mind over and over and over today is that Ed Night one where he said he doesn't understand how sober people just wake up every single morning and say "I'm going to experience the world exactly as it is today, with no modifications at all."

I was hoping I'd reach some sort of conclusion or point with this post, but I don't have one. Well, maybe a bit. Part of the ritual of drinking for me, part of the thing that I spent way too much time and energy setting up beforehand to make sure it all went just right, is having a night where I can spend some hours just drinking alcohol and listening to my favourite music and re-watching my favourite videos (used to be sports, these days it's always comedy). I have a folder on my computer specifically for comedy that's only funny when I'm drunk, or at least much funnier when I'm drunk (there a fair bit of Frankie Boyle-era Mock the Week in there, some Amstell-era Buzzcocks, Nathan Barley). And I'll write things down about it, save it in the Word document and usually use a "write drunk, edit sober" policy for turning it into a Tumblr post (though occasionally, I do go with a "write drunk, post while still drunk" policy). I've thought that maybe I can try to recreate that sort of ritual without the alcohol. Maybe I'll do that. If I start posting a bunch of indefensible Frankie Boyle quotes in the next little while, you'll know why.

[spiritedawaybyhiscamera]

07/11/2022

I read somewhere that grief, when first felt, is like a black hole that fills the entirety of your heart. It's overwhelming, and suffocating. It's hard to see through the darkness of it all, and any hope or light gets sucked away by that black hole. However, the phrase "time heals", as much as I still hate it after 6 years, maybe not be too far off from the truth of what happens... As you continue to make new memories, meet new people and experience new things, your heart grows whilst that black hole stays the same size. So although it once encompassed your heart entirely, through time it "feels" like it's getting smaller, even though it's just the surrounding heart that grows.

I ended up taking comfort in that analogy, not because I wanted an excuse as to why I know feel positive emotions again, other than the sadness and anger that I could only feel in the first few years after what happened. More so because it showed me hope. Hope that I'm not a lost case, that I love again, and feel loved too.

Having said that, there are days when I loose myself. Days when that overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression that I've been keeping under control just leaks through the surface. I can't stop it, I don't know how to stop it. I guess once broken, it always will be even if we fill the cracks, there's always a hole or 2 that gets missed. Therapy helped to identify the cracks, encouraged me to fill it in but never finished the job - that's something I'll have to work on for the rest of my life. But recently, I started to think I don't have to do it alone... and I'll explain why shortly.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of fun. I've gone out with friends, lost myself in the moment of joy, and have gone on dates in the past 2 years. I've kissed a couple of guys, and dated one. Speaking of - although I was miserable, crying most nights, and felt more alone during than when I was single, I want to thank him as if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have realised certain triggers in relationships that ultimately made me decide to go to therapy (after being encouraged by my mum to do so). It's thanks to him that I became healthy enough to go into my next relationship.

Losing a best friend is not easy, and losing a lover who you thought you would be with for the rest of your life, has been harder. But here is where I still feel angry - we broke up for a reason, and looking back at certain memories, it clearly was the best to separate. Although we were each other's worlds, we weren't each others soulmates. We did more harm to each other than good, and that's the sad truth. The reason why I'm still mad is because if he just waited, he would have met his soulmate too. Yes, "too". I've found someone. In some ways he reminds me of my old best friend, the one that I had prior to getting into a relationship with. But he's someone who compliments how I love someone, and feeds me with the type of love that I've always wanted.

I won't lie - it's been scary being with someone like that. It almost feels like a fever dream, soon I'll be cruelly awoken by the alarm on my phone, and I'll be back to reality where I'm alone and justifiably unwanted. It feels like God is dangling a carrot in front of me, but he's letting me have it, touch it and hold it. It's mine to take. Sure it has a few bruises here and there, it's not a perfect carrot, but it's mine. He makes me feel... loved. Comforted. Happy.

Here's the thing, I don't actually remember when or how I told him about my past. I wonder if it's because I felt so at peace and comfortable telling him, that the significance of this moment lessened in some ways and faded into my memories. After all, I remember how I told each individual person in the past, but not him. Instead, I remember the feeling. It was warm, like a sitting across a fireplace with a blanket wrapped around me and a hot chocolate in hand. I felt safe. I knew I was listened to, I understood that he took it all in, and the consideration of my feelings every since then has been sweet. It's like he understood my pain, and didn't think of me as weak or pitiful but instead as if he wanted to protect me from feeling that kind of hurt again.

I still loose myself from time to time, not so much directly from what happened, but more so the lasting effects from it. My current lover is no different, he has his ups and down, some very high and some very low. But seeing the impact I have on him, when he's at his lowest and I was able to pull him out of that, it feels like... retribution, a second chance that God has given me. It's like He doesn't want me to loose this one, He thinks I deserve to keep him. A gift.

But someone so codependent on me can be scary in itself. But I've tried what I thought I wanted - someone who always saw me second after his family, friends, and work. Someone who is only there when wanted, but never needed. I tried that and I felt miserable. Here I have the opposite, what I thought I would never want. But only because I was scared... if someone is this in need of me, what if I leave one day and they break. I don't want to hurt someone like that again... So what if it was someone that I don't want to leave? Someone that I could see potentially being with for the rest of my life? That's okay right?

That's what I think I have here. And I only said "I think", simply because we have a lot more to learn about each other. I still need him to meet my parents, which in itself gives me anxiety for obvious reasons, but also my friends. Here's one thing I know though - I feel happy when I'm with him. It's that similar warm feeling that I was talking about earlier.

August 21st is the day we met - it's only been roughly 2 months but it feels like a lifetime, with so many promises to care and love for each other. I'm scared to hurt him but at the same time I feel so at peace, like I can settle down. This black hole that will forever be there as my heart grows feels accepted, by not just me but him too.

Speaking of, he just called me on Discord... yes, I know. Remember those Skype days? I have that love again, I can only promise to protect it, cherish it, and love it back... and this time, I'll do everything I can so that I don't lose it. I promise.

[friend-crow]

🖤 & 🌹 & 🐐

🖤 How do you stave off the ravenous jaws of depression?

Spending time with friends and working on projects. I've always been into writing, but I really dove into it several years ago when I was extremely depressed and wanted a way of mentally escaping my life. Not sure how healthy that was, but I'm not quite as immersed in it as I was at that time, and it got me through.

Having a dog also forces me to get outside for a walk most days, which can be really helpful as well. Getting to know my local crows has really enhanced the dog walking experience.

🌹 What is beauty? What is truth? How much do you wish you hadn't gotten this ask?

Answered here (and I dislike it enough that I'm too lazy to try harder this time).

🐐 Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?

Very much so! Delicion is at least as important as nutrition.

Thanks for asking!

ominous asks

[snowmuttgetsweird]

08.02.24, afternoon

Feeling okay today.

I did, in fact, do a partial workout last night cause it was late and I was already pretty tired from the day's activities. Pretty much just squats and shoulder press. Very lazy, but right now at least, this early into my "journey," any workout is better than none and it's more about building the habit than anything. One of the things I keep trying to remind myself is that, this early on, I really strictly don't need much extra besides adequate protein, rest, and to lift heavy on a regular basis. That's literally it- that much will carry me for a LONG time before I really hit the point that I just can't get any bigger without really doubling down on what I eat, adding supplements to the mix, etc.

I think I still need to lift heavier for my squats. Right now I'm doing 50lbs between two 25lb dumbbells, and while it IS challenging to reach the end of my fifth set (5x8), I don't really feel it the next day at all. I know you don't have to feel sore the day after every workout for it to have been a GOOD workout, but admittedly I didn't really go out of my way to find my max, so I think I'm gonna try 60lb next time since the next dumbbell weight up is 30lb each, and see how that works out. If I CAN finish the set with those, I'll keep moving up until I reach a weight I can't finish all 5 sets at and then back up to the last one I WAS able to finish all 5 sets with.

I've also gotta be a little more mindful about the order I do my workouts in. The other day I did all my shoulder stuff BEFORE chest flys, and my shoulders were just way too exhausted to bring the weights in after that, so I ended up having to use way lighter weights.

I HAVE heard that you can strategically exhaust certain muscle groups in order to force other muscles used in compound exercises to work harder to carry you through you sets and ultimately get a better workout for those muscle groups, but by the time I'm through with all my shoulder stuff, I can barely lift my arms high enough to reach the door knob that lets me out of the gym, so I don't think that's something I'm gonna have to worry about.

I feel like there are certain exercises I kinda "treat" myself to. Like, the exercises I just like doing- hammer curls, wrist curls, etc. I might start doing calf raises too. I mentioned in passing on my fursona's ref sheet that my calves are weirdly huge- like disproportionately big and sculpted for my weight. They're one of my favorite groups of muscles, like forearms, and I really like seeing the way they move and flex to accommodate different movements. Calves are one of those muscles that activates that reptile part of my brain and says "that's a turkey leg- you should bite that" lol. Forearms slightly less so, but I just like the look of big, muscular forearms. It's attractive to me I think.

I wish I had a proper squat bar and barbell press at my gym. Barbells in general really- roman deadlifts are one of those, like, staple compound exercises that build practically everything and there isn't really a proper replacement for it, and I just can't do it in my gym. I don't have anything I can really do rows with either, so finding good exercises for my back have been challenging. We don't even have a pull-up bar lol.

Think I'll do leftover red beans and rice for lunch and then cook something for dinner with a ground beef I pulled out of the freezer the other day, before it goes bad. I'll figure something out.

I think that, overall, exercise has been good for me so far. It's something that, every time I start it, I end up wondering "why did I ever stop?" I like exhausting myself, I like the little aches I get after a good workout, I like feeling like I'm making a good, healthy decision, I like feeling stronger. I know it's all water weight atm, but I like looking in the mirror and seeing myself slim down a bit. It feels good, it's satisfying, and the only thing that ever stops me is a big spike in depression or disappointment. I get the "what's the point"s and "it doesn't matter"s. Skip one day, I'll do it later. Skip the next, I got busy, had to do other things. Skip another- if I start now the schedule will be off. Start fresh next week. Before I know it, a month later I'm looking for a snack in my pantry, anxiously trying to avoid eye contact with a dusty bag or tub of protein powder, and wishing I hadn't let that yogurt or that cottage cheese go to waste.

I'd like to say that sometimes I just take on too much or make it too complicated- and to some degree that might be true- but really it just comes down to "sometimes I get depressed long enough that I can't pull out fast enough to get back into the gym."

Trying really hard this time. I'm not gonna fall off the wagon again. I can't- I'm too old. At this point in my life, when it's a little harder to get out of bed every morning and it's only gonna get harder and harder to lose weight and build muscle, this is basically my last chance to "succeed;" to start it and stick with it. To start caring about myself. If not now, then when? Ten years ago, that COULD have been "next week" or "next month" or "next year" but I'm gonna turn 35 this year and strictly speaking I'm now officially beyond my "prime." It's going to be harder to make happen what I want to happen now than it would have been ten years ago, and my punishment is that I've gotta work that much harder- all the more reason that I can't give in now. Can't let some dumbass hormones and bad chemistry get the better of me again. Low testosterone? Fuck it, we ball. I'll make my own. No dopamine or shitty receptors? FUCK IT, WE BALL. I'll make my own.

I have to. I can't keep failing. This is the ONLY THING that, no matter what, I can control almost every single variable of. I can't make other people like me, I can't make other people employ me, I can't make other people buy my art, but the only thing stopping me from being strong and healthy is me. Depression, anxiety, money, ADHD, ignorance, whatever; they may be the reason I haven't been able to get this far before now, but they don't excuse any lack of effort. When I fall down, only I can pick myself back up. No one else is going to. The chemistry in my brain isn't going to just fix itself one day and hand me the motivation- it's something I have to create myself. Even if there is none, it doesn't mean I don't have to do it. Even if I have to do it shitty, even if my workout ends up being, like, 10 curls and some crunches, I have to do it. I have to be able to say I did SOMETHING. And if there's anything ADHD HAS taught me, it's that once I can trick my brain into getting STARTED with something, often times that's enough to carry me through the rest of the way, so sure, maybe it starts with some knee push-ups, but that turns into push-ups, and crunches, and squats, and bench press, and it just keeps going because that's just how my brain works. The hardest part is just getting the ball rolling, but once it does, momentum carries it forward as far as it'll go. I got this far? Well maybe I can actually go a little further. Oh I hit my next milestone a little earlier than I thought- let's keep it up.

Now I gotta do the part of my day I don't vibe with as much lately- it's time to draw. Past time honestly, I've been starting way too slow today.

Wish me luck.

[renniferno]

You know what I don't get? Why some people have such a hard time realizing that the purpose of society, of community, is to help one another so life is easier for everyone. People like to help others. It feels good. I know you feel warm and happy when you do something that someone else is like 'wow thank you!' about.

Really hate how the government (i'm in usamerica unfortunately, i am talking about the United States Government, tm,) does it's best to squash any resources that would be normal in a healthy, happy society.

Starting with the fact that so many of the resources we -do- have are hard to find, harder to -get- and nearly impossible to use to actually make a significant enough difference in your life that you can eventually move away from using them....

Oh, you're having issues with food? Well, prove you're poor, we're going to give you too little money to afford anything, and tell us if someone so much as offers you a french fry.

You're having issues with housing? We're going to make it super difficult to find a way to get help with that, and also if you dare even live with someone else, fuck you.

Oh, you have a bunch of health problems? Hope you were working before! Oh, wait, they started up as a teenager for you and now you're making yourself worse by trying to work to get any sort of meaningful coverage? Well, that's a 'pre-existing' condition which means we're not going to help you with it, because it was there before you reached out.

I would be so thrilled if I could go back to college (expensive, not designed for people with Brain Problems, like me and my likely but not yet diagnosed adhd, plus the. anxiety, depression, ptsd...) and become a teacher for like. highschool level writing. please. I want to teach people reading comprehension, I want to teach people how to expand on and explore the ideas they have, how to pull inspiration from everyday life! I want to teach people how to have wonder!

But I'm here, with a broken body and bills to pay, and no idea how to ask for help.

Maybe that's what it is, no one knows how to ask for help.

[inflorescent-sunflower]

TW: Ranty Af, so preceed with caution because I'll try but ye.. existential dread, depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, DID. Lmk if I need to tag more.

That constant feeling of why the fuck am I here that haunts our very existantence is exhausting...like maybe it's just the depression but honestly...is this what life is all about? Getting up, forcing myself to eat, going to work so that I don't die on the street or of starvation... simply existing until those little moments of light appear in order to string me along likeba dog on a treadmill, chasing that feeling of joy, dreading the feeling that everything is pointless that I can't escape. Like I know i make a difference in people's lives and yadadada but what's the fucking point! Like yea they're happy and healthy which fills me with a spark of contentness as i drown in the constant feeling of dread that everything i do doesn't fuckin matter. I could work my ass off in order to just meet my basic needs and still end up with nothing and listen i get it; "it's better to try and fail then to not try at all" or some bs like that but I'm tired. I literally hate this fucking place. I don't even mean my country, this fuckin planet is beautiful and here I stand contributing to it's destruction just by trying to survive in this hellacape we've made.

Like from day fucking one it's been a fight to survive in a world I didn't fucking ask to be in, constantly feeling like I've been punished for something I haven't even thought of doing, let alone done!

I struggle and struggle and struggle and get fuckin rewarded like a godamn dog, basking in the happiness but dreading the next time I'm forced into the ring. Trying not to bite the hand that feeds me.

I'm so sick of hearing, well you have this and be grateful and it's like awesome amazing! Pointing out the good in my life does not erase the bad and I can't just let it go because something that's harmed me in such a way, something that has probably driven me insane...it can't be just because other people we're having a shitty life. Our trauma that we've been forced to carry since the fuckin womb isn't even about us!!? My life, our very existence is such a fuckfest because SOMEONE ELSE WAS HAVING A BAD DAY?! It's almost funny.

It just seems more and more pointless because who knows in a week I may feel different, for a week and then we'll repeat this endless cycle of joy(life is a great gift, i want to make a difference, i am loves) and despair (I never asked for this, nothing i do matters, I'm a burden for breathing). It doesn't matter what's going on around me it all follows some godamn pattern, an endless wheel that I'm supposed to just accept! I'm supposed to just accept that shit happens and pick up the tatteded remains of our life, again and again!

I'm not planning to off myself because unfortunately that's not a solution to the problem. Death is not the solution to lives difficulties, love may be but that's not enough.

When you're constantly trying to combat the hatred of others with the love of the self it's fucking exhausting.

I'm raging inside but can't express it and have to fight the constant urge to turn it towards myself because I've received enough blame and hatred for things out of my control and i refuse to add to my abuse BUT all that doesn't erase the years and years and years and YEARS of abuse, self inflicted or otherwise.

I've been trying to heal but...it feels like I'm filled with holes, each one different sizes and shapes and I'm struggling to fill them with something, anything in order to avoid the whole picture falling apart and I know I need to figure out some sustainable materials but I don't even know where to begin and the materials I have used may have caused more damage...

I'm not throwing in the towel by any means but... everyday feels harder and harder to keep it all together.

We want to scream and punch and, hurt but at the same time we want to sing, and learn and heal but these two urges are trying to coexist in a mind that doesn't know how to do either.

Basically: This constant struggle to want to exist, to want to be here is exhausting and is not helped by the conflicting wants of the mind/body we share

[gotjacobian]

LRB (because this is more personal than I really want to put in tags on a random post, but I think it's interesting): I really think some combination of getting older and HRT changed my experience of my own emotional state. In a way that I experience as 90% positive, to be clear. Like, fun fact: my favorite change from testosterone actually has nothing to do with gender affirmation - it's that it's much, much harder for me to cry now. I used to cry daily, for basically all 20 years of my pre-HRT life. Zero exaggeration. It was a notable day when I did not cry. It was not fun or cathartic. At its worst (i.e. when I wasn't taking my meds regularly enough), it could be 4-6 hour long crying jags, that wouldn't stop long enough for me to do my work, so I would just do work while crying. It was miserable, it made everyone around me uncomfortable, and around six months on T it just... stopped. I don't think I could manifest something like that now if I tried. I am so, so happy to have incontrovertible proof that said crying was a hormonally driven issue that I could not control, and not a sign that I was fundamentally manipulative and/or weak and/or whatever else it was attributed to.

But on the other side of the coin, I think I have a much harder time telling when I'm depressed now. I was used to my pre- and early-HRT depressive episodes manifesting with a kind of intense despair and paralyzing anger that I could recognize, and use as a sign that whoops, maybe should set up some appointments before this gets worse! And that doesn't happen now. My most recent period of depression, I felt bad the entire time that I was struggling so much even though I "wasn't even depressed". Then I got caught a couple times casually saying things that were clearly distortions to friends who knew enough to call them out. And I sat down, and realized I had spent over a year letting myself get frog-boiled into believing the exact kind of things that usually would've triggered one of (a lot of) those crying jags. But because the qualitative experience was less intense, because I could keep working, I just... didn't notice? It's much easier to keep myself at a functional level now than it was when I was 20, but I have to do a lot more self-monitoring to figure out whether that functionality is actually healthy or not. I'm still getting there, and do still vastly prefer this to the alternative, but I think I could've saved myself some heartache if I'd been prepared for it.

[kyrodo]

If there's anything I learned from 2020, it's take your time with people. Granted I was depressed angry and not in a good mental state back then which is why I ended up in a lot of cyclical rants that I could not stop myself from doing almost every day. But it doesn't change the fact that you can't force your way into someone else's life. You can't act familiar with people you just met or only barely started interacting with. You can't expect welcoming treatment from people that don't want you there.

I had a heart. I fell for someone out of desperation, out of this wanton desire to find someone to fulfill a void left behind by moving away from all the friends I used to hang out with. And that made it very difficult despite all the times I tried to delete or lock my account to avoid stalking the person I liked. The feeling was fresh and strong enough that the curiosity always got the better of me, and my emotional state was in some ways relieved to an extent by being able to see the other person's posts and activity.

It also holds true for EnternodeCS and VeraLycaon and TuccLux that I've had crushes on since that event that I did not attempt to confess to. Whenever I like someone for whatever reason I want to check up on them. And those kinds of activities can be frowned upon and reacted to very negatively, especially once you've worn out your welcome. And being blocked or someone locking their account should ideally be the point at which I stop trying to contact someone. Logically anyway. Emotionally I didn't feel like I had much choice. Emotionally the thoughts were so strong, the curiosities were so strong, and what little signs of interaction we had were so vivid that I had to keep checking if there was anything directed at me. And usually there always was. I had no such similar interaction with any of the aformentioned crushes since then.

The fact that I confessed is also the biggest issue. The fact that I committed and acted upon my feelings and put all my hopes on them giving a positive response. That act alone doomed me to continue, and amplified my emotions out of control. Gave me this spark of hope that was very much ill-conceived. And the fact that I knew so little about the person that I liked did not help my case at all. It put me at the complete mercy of them always being kind with me. And most of the time they weren't. And to be fair I wasn't acting very mature about my feelings nor about the overhead of having an existing mate. I wasn't acting mature in general. Everything about how I was behaving and how I was portraying myself. How extra I was being was extremely unattractive and not indicative of a healthy relationship being able to form from it. And I always went from 0 to 100 in most cases. My anxiety was always on full display. And yet I was still trying to push forth something that I didn't make look feasible. I didn't like all the times I was being blatantly gaslighted but I should've taken that into account before I continued attempting to interact. I should've taken that as a sign that this was not meant to be.

And things obviously went extremely well with Choskey. I still have Red I've been slowly attempting to smooth over Red's side of things more. He acts passive aggressive way more often ever since his father's death. Choskey very much embodies receptive love in every possible way it could be expressed. It's been 2 months and I'm clearly a drug he's addicted to and incredibly happy about. And it's so natural. We can't stop expressing how we feel for each other and that's incredible. Even with Kara, I always felt like I was overdoing it when I always took too long to say good night and tell her my romantic feelings. With Red, it ended up being Red who did most of the love expressing before I could get to it, and that was a welcome change. But trying to do it back was a bit harder because of the dynamic of master and pet and me being the lower submissive one. I couldn't treat it the same way I approached it with Freedom/Kara/Miranthia.

With Choskey it feels so natural. That we can fully express how we feel and do it constantly and just feel happy every time we express it and not feel like we're doing it too much. Choskey again expresses it more than I do but I can approach it in a way that I'm taking care of him rather than being taken care of. And that offers me a way to express love in a way that I can't do as easily with Red. I like having both. I like being on both ends and that's why it's a very good thing that I have them both.

My journey to Choskey's heart took a lot longer than it did with my 2020 crush. I never pushed for anything. I never pushed him into anything. In fact I didn't even confess, it was him that did it instead. I didn't come to him spouting my entire life story to him. He did learn a lot about me, but it was paced. It was bits at a time as we took our time with each other. I've always taken my time with him. I've always held my tongue even when I was mad usually due to his gaming banter. I've always been patient with him, I gave him all these first time experiences and helped him a lot with his class work. But there were no conditions. He stayed in call with me on our discord server of his own accord. Everything we did together was always of his own accord. And that made a world of difference.

In a sense that was indeed what my earlier crush tried to get me to do. Everything was always of my own accord. But I was always punished for it, in excess. Sometimes without any warning, sometimes with every sign that things were going to go well by the crush themselves beforehand in the indirect ways we communicated. But I can see a lot of problems in the way that I was acting to the point that sometimes it's easy to see why. Why I was such a volatile thing to juggle around for them with these grandiose reactions to everything expressed in overly extra ways.

I was very careful with Choskey. So careful. So mellow. So toned down, so down to earth, so simple and straight forward and always so polite and kind. To the point that besides my imperfect gaming skills, I was basically perfect to them. The person that I wish I could've been far earlier I get to live out and see how much better things really are. Choskey is easier to deal with than Ult in a lot of other ways including overall temperment, but the biggest thing is I was better. I was always a good friend to him. I always took my time with him. I was always patient with him. I was always easy to talk to and share everything with. I always listened to him.

I always did my best for him. I always tried to show my best side for him. And even when I was mad at him, I displayed it in a way that made him think more about his side of things rather than mine. I always pulled my punches, show self respect but kept my doors opened rather than closed. And from that true love grew. I excite him every time I speak. He loves every little thing about me so wholly and so fully. He embraces me so readily and so strongly. I proceeded in a way that Red could still be with me. And I've more than outdone myself. And there is a solid path forward. And I've experienced immense happiness. These feelings are so raw and so powerful and so received and welcome. I feel the butterflies inside and they glow so warmly, so vividly. And it is so clear that we can get along so well, gaming banter aside. It is so easy to be around him and bask in this deep romance with him. It is so easy to excite him and press his buttons too. We are meant for each other. I've wanted this so bad, and he's wanted this for his entire life. And I can be the one to love him.

It is very clear to me everything that went wrong on either side of things back then, but there are things I can do for myself that make things socially so much more successful. Always take your time with people, and never try to be where you don't belong. Kindness, patience, flexibility, understanding, communication, these are all things that you can't do without when you want something to go well. Things you need in abundance. And to Choskey I embody every single one of those things. What little competition I had fell away very quickly and this is very much why. Our love is so incredibly secure that we would stick together in multiple lifetimes. And this is how it's done. There's literally nothing I could do better. And it's sustainable, it feels so natural, it's easy, it's satisfying, and this is my life now.

[0thsense]

9/30/2023

When I'm feeling down, I am vigilant to find fault in others, because it makes me feel like I have something over them. A stupid act of desperation.

The time limit is approaching. I am not doing well. What does it mean to give up? I want to run myself to death.

Could I survive losing all of my family and friends? Should I prepare myself for it? It'll slowly happen at this pace. Was I wrong about things all those years ago? Maybe I should quicken the pace.

I can't open up to anyone. Noone will understand, and everyone will think they understand. Hell, some people probably think they understand already without me saying anything. Maybe the easiest way to be happy is to presume you understand about unhappiness you've never felt.

I wanted to understand my emotions. It might be too late, because now all I ever feel is anger and frustration. Base, useless, devastating emotions.

Some girl I used to know followed me on Strava the other day. Simply because she connected her account and auto followed all of her contacts. And I held onto that for the whole day. Pathetic.

Do I feel good when I beat myself up like this? Honestly it's a little cathartic but I'm not sure if it's healthy. I spend so much time thinking about the past, it fills every undistracted moment of my life. Will it ever stop?

So dramatic for someone who has lived such an objectively easy life. I don't really believe that, more just unsure. But everyone else would surely mock me for thinking I have such insane struggles in my circumstances. So I can't open up. They'll think I'm even more pathetic than they already do. A good way to get some one time pity and then having them slowly drift off. A bad way to quicken the pace.

Maybe I just need to get better at slapping on a smile and enthusiasm, so that it doesn't take so much effort every time. Just get good at it so it doesn't take all my energy, so I don't dread it every time. Just... become an automatic liar. Perfect.

I'm not looking forward to going to Japan soon. I'm worried my shell will break over those 2 weeks. Maybe I'm even more worried that it won't. Maybe I will just be boring because I'm getting tired having to put on enthusiasm all the time. Perfect.

My legs hurt from running today. Good. I wonder if how I feel right now is accurate. If I look back on this post it will probably read pretty terribly. Have I made no progress? Perfect timing to be depressed again for the holiday season. Last time I showed up one time and they thought I was fine. Because I guess I'm good at faking enthusiasm. Fuck you.

If I think rationally about it, it's my fault. It's hard to tell when someone's depressed, and it's even harder when I've been putting on masks for my whole life. But I can't tell them either. Probably the worst cases of depression are the ones where they have noone to tell. Because they can't trust anybody to care enough. I'm doing fine everyone.

God and I hate it even more because I become so self absorbed. Making me lose one of the few things I prided myself on: empathy and thinking of others. And I kept that pride even though it became unjustified. It hurts.

Maybe I can try to think of others in this post. Harley decided she wants to move back home, because of RTO. I wonder how she feels about that. I wonder if I chose that just because it's semi relevant to me. My dad might also be kinda depressed, I'm kinda worried. Probably partly due to me.

God, I can't think of much when I try to remember caring about others recently. You don't just feel worse, you become worse. Please let me care for others again. I am an asshole. I'm not willing to sacrifice myself to help others. I find something in them to condemn and justify this. Nobody helped Jerry, and everyone sure loves beating down on him.

Endroll was a nice game.