#I'm fine i have therapy on Monday

[nullominous-q]

Don't overestimate me. I am one mental breakdown from shaving my hair at all times.

But don't underestimate me either. I have rbf, an inclination to stare directly into your eyes for entirely too long bc I don't know where else to look when I talk to people and no filter.

...In fact maybe it's best that you don't perceive me at all.

[izzy-b-hands]

I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs

(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)

That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)

[thedreadvampy]

trying not to worry about how bad my chest is feeling bc like I'm only 1 day post positive test and my chest felt like shit for like a week and a half last time but cleared up fine in the long run

like I know that past recovery is not an indicator of future results with COVID and I know all the shit about more infections = heightened risk but that isn't what I need to hear right now cause there's very little I can do about it. I'm not making any assertions about my chances of long COVID but what I am trying to remind myself is that I'm not having post COVID symptoms yet because I'm very much Still In The Thick Of It. this is no indication of long COVID one way or another it's just COVID COVID.

however

Chest Feel Bad

[1031am]

have classes today & they arent even the ones with the hot ta. fuck my baka life etc i guess.

[theduchessofnaxos]

I should do the the MA because it's a more prestigious program.

I should do the PhD because it's the degree I actually want.

I should do the MA because it's a more useable degree outside of academia.

I should do the PhD because it'd still open doors.

I should do the MA because it'd get me into better PhD programs next year.

I should do the PhD because I don't have the energy to reapply.

I should do the MA because I should take more time to sort myself out.

I should do the PhD because it's way more affordable.

Decisions, decisions... Stomachache.

[tothosewholisten]

Forever Healed | TUA insert

Chapter: 00

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Masterlist

…

On the 12th hour of the first day of October 1989. 43 women around the world gave birth. This was unusual in the fact that none of these women had been pregnant when the day first began.

Sir Reginald Hargeeves, eccentric billionaire and adventurer, resolved to locate and adopt as many of the children as possible.

He got seven of them, yes seven.

..

MARCH 21, 2019

I have to be at least somewhat proud of myself for lasting this long. I thought as I sat on the bus, not everyday you are born with magical powers and are destined to save the world from evil. Yes, hearing myself think that sounds crazy. But that's normal in my life.

I had reached my stop after a half an hour of sitting with my earbuds in, listening to nothing at all. I just wanted to seem unapproachable on the sketchy city bus.

My destination was a terribly designed office building, the space was so crammed and ugly it made me want to turn right back around and get on that bus again. But I didn't because I was trying to convince myself that this would be good for me, but I didn't believe my words.

I was about to have a therapy session with some middle-aged white lady who has glasses and tell her all of my life issues, starting every week at 5pm..

It's not like I had anything else going on, I haven't had work for days now. So I thought I'd give it a shot.

The waiting process made me anxious as hell, I finally got the courage to walk up to the front desk and gave the man who sat there my name. And now I have to wait for this lady to get done with some other patient.

I sat on a chair and frowned, like she is really going to be focused on "my" problems and not the 30 other people she sees today.

I swear it was only a second into me zoning out when I heard my name yelled. "Y/n L/n? It's so nice to meet you!" A woman said, when i looked up at her i saw the exact lady i was describing earlier to the closest details.

I let her lead me to a smaller room that looked way better than the lobby. It had two chairs, a water machine, some fidget items and a large window view of the city. Gloria, I learn to be the name of my therapist, asks me to sit with her.

She clears her throat, "I know this is our first session so you may not be the most comfortable sharing details. But I'd like to know a little bit about you if you're okay sharing."

“Well, I’m 29 years old and a home care nurse.” I say slowly. Hearing the words leave my mouth I knew I haven’t amounted to a lot in my years.

"Oh wow, 29? I would've never guessed that Y/n, you don't look a day over 21" Gloria complimented me i give her a tiny smile in return.

I'm not sure why that is, I get that a lot in my working field. Older women saying that they wished they looked as young as me.

"That's a great start for today's session." She smiles, "A little bit me is, you know my name already but I'm 56 years old since Monday. I have 3 children and a cat named Mr. Furball."

I regret what i said earlier because I think I already like Gloria and not just because of Mr. Furball. But the fact that she has a calming sense about her. I find myself listening to what she's saying, and I rarely do that with people nowadays.

"But I would like to hear more about your upbringing, how’d you become the fine young lady you are today?" She says.

Oh, she wants to hear about my childhood. I mean I knew she would ask but so soon, I'm worried about saying anything. So I told her that.

"I'm worried about opening up to someone about my past cause well I've never done it before." I said.

She hands me a cup of water. "That's okay Y/n, we can take it at your pace."

“I grew up in a small house with my mom and dad until I was twelve. When I was scouted by Reginald Hargreeves because of my unique abilities. And I've been there ever since I was 18 when I moved out to live on my own.” I waited for the burst of confusion I was about to get from Gloria. Not everyday one of the Umbrella Academy walks into your office.

“Oh wow…” she says, eyes wide. “You're one of those superheroes? That’s amazing wow.” She nervously chuckles “I’m sorry I’m normally not this shocked about things, and I hear a lot on the daily.”

“It’s okay” I say, staring at my hands.

She clears her throat. “I'm sure being apart of the Umbrella Academy was big but could you tell me about your life before that?”

I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds, pictured my childhood in my brain and opened my mouth.

"Well, I'm sure to this day my father still thinks that my mother cheated on him, due to his "daughter's" virgin Mary-like creation since they were just newlyweds. He held it against my mother all of her life." I took a sip of water and continued.

"I'm not sure why he turned to alcohol. But that turned out as you could expect. He turned on everyone around him and acted like a beast. He regularly attacked my mom for anything she did wrong. But what made him more angry was that his freak of a daughter could heal her mother, after every beating."

"My mom told me before I left I had made her so much happier and in her words. She didn't even question these strange occurrences; she knew her baby was special." I smiled a bit.

I could tell that Gloria was painting a picture in her head of what I was describing too.

"And by the age of 8, I was standing up to my father, even if it didn't end so well. I'd get the beating instead but by the next day, my bloody body would be as good as new. On the surface at least, I had lots of internal issues from that time. But none of that stopped my father from trying to get equal with me.." I stopped talking after that.

My eyes could only focus on my right hand as it was picking at my left hand's skin. It was a habit I picked up as soon as I started to use my powers because I knew my skin would be right back to normal in the next few minutes.

"That's awful y/n I'm so sorry." She frowned. "Would you be okay with continuing?"

I blink up at her. “Yes, that would be okay,” I said. “Then there was this one day..”

..

17 YEARS AGO

“In five, four, three, two. This is Jim Hellerman, reporting live for channel 2 News outside of the Capital West Bank at Main and Sixth. A group of heavily armed men stormed the bank not three hours ago and took an unknown number of hostages.”

That was the big news update of September 2002, I remember. Well I don’t really have to think about it much because I was there with my mom at the bank. She planned on making some deposit when we were screamed at, not to leave by a man who had his gun pointed at us along with so many other civilians. He taped us up and told us to stand in a corner.

That was the first and only time I feared for my life. Police didn’t want them to start shooting, so they didn’t come into the building. Meaning that we were on our own and could die at anytime

One of the armed men walks into the scene unfolding. Sirens blaring, people getting shoved around and threats being made to the innocent.

“Now you’ve put me in a position where I gotta do something I don't want to do. Hmm?” He said talking to another person on his walkie talkie.

My mom brought me closer to her trying to use her body as a shield if things went south. And to us we thought they were about to be.

But strangely, a girl walked up to the man. She’d looked to be around my age in a school uniform and cartoon mask. Her loose curls bounced in the wind as she skipped up to him.

“Shit!” He screams putting his device down. Not noticing the girl until a few seconds after his outburst. “Hey, get back with the others.” He told her, trying to sound intimidating but she didn’t seem to fear him at all.

“I heard a rumor.” She spoke out.

He bent a little to reach her height and get in her face. “What? What did you say?”

She leaned in and cupped her hand to mimic whispering in his ear but loud enough for all of us to hear. “I heard a rumor that you shot your friend in the foot.”

Without any hesitation he did what she commanded and shot the nearest armed man who happened to be trying to rough up my mom. We screamed as he kept shooting.

“We just heard shots from inside the bank. It’s uncertain if any hostages have been harmed in that.”

“There’s some movement on the roof. Possibly law enforcement.”

A loud crash and a boy landed down from the roof. It was crazy he wasn’t harmed at all from that high distance. He was also wearing the same mask and uniform as the girl but he had blond hair. From where he landed he jumped on one of the robbers and started beating him to a pulp, and then throwing him out a glass window.

“Looks like one of the armed robbers had been thrown from the bank.”

Another boy with brown hair runs in from the opposite doors as the girl and yells. “Guns are for sissies. Real men throw knives.” He then threw one of his knives and it curved in the air hitting a robber no where close to where the knife had originally been heading. It was incredible.

“I've been in many hostage situations like this, and it can escalate very quickly.”

The original man hops on a table pointing his gun out at the two of the before seen children plus another one. “Get back you freaks” he says walking back and forth in fear.

“Hey, be careful up there, buddy.” The knife boy calls out.

“Get back now!” The man screams.

“Yeah, I wouldn't want you to get hurt.” The girls mocking voice says.

Right before my eyes another boy teleports behind the man, sitting criss-cross on the table. “Or what?” He said calmly.

The man turns around and shoots at him but before the bullets could hit he teleports again. This time standing up with his arms crossed, clearly not impressed. But the man tries to shoot again.

“Ooh! That’s one badass stapler!” The boy laughs. The man no longer had a gun anymore but a stapler placed in his hand by the kid instead. The boy shoves the stapler into his face and the big man falls back, head hitting the floor before his body does.

“Although there’s been no activity for a few minutes, we’re gonna stay live on location to make sure we don’t miss a thing. In this hostage situation at the Capital West bank.”

The five already counted for children make way for the last and shortest one to make his move. “Do we really need to do this?” He talks quietly.

The blonde one replies to him. “Come on, Ben. There’s more guys in the vault.” So his name was Ben huh?

Ben sighs, “I didn't sign up for this.” Before walking into the room with more people. Large black tendrils illuminated the room as men screaming could be heard behind the door. And a beast roars but then the sound stops and Ben walks out again, this time covered in blood and guts.

He breathes heavily. “Can we go home now?” I felt bad for him.

The kids untied our hands and told us to run. And once it was clear to go my mom started to run out of the doors thinking I was right behind her.

“Now we see the hostages. They— They’re free. They’re scared clearly but they do seem to be unharmed.”

But I was behind her trying to help this older woman who’d slipped on the floor. As I was helping her, the kids walked out too.

“People are coming out now. It’s not the armed robbers. These are schoolchildren in uniforms with masks on. Jim Hellerman, Channel 2 News.”

But there was one not accounted for robber, the one from earlier who had been shot in the foot. I started to run out and call out to my mom who was outside. When the man got up from the floor, cocked his gun and shot at the kids.

Fortunately, he missed them but the bullet hit me.

Questions being asked to the children stopped when they saw my body flail onto the floor outside of the bank doors. I was shot right in the chest. There was blood everywhere and it started to leak over to where the kids were standing. They turned around to see where it was coming from..

Everyone looked horrified and there was a bunch of screaming. Mainly from my mother who was wailing as she ran over to hold me to her chest screaming for me to wake up. And that will be engraved in my memory forever after this day, I never wanted to hear her like this ever again.

Police started to rush over but in a matter of minutes, a miracle seemed to happen. At least to the city that is. There was a yellowish glow around my chest and the blood seemed to have reversed back into my body. Even the stains on my blue dress were gone. The bullet even spit out of my chest; it was truly witchcraft.

My eyes then shot open as I started to breathe in and out.

I don't exactly remember what I felt during those moments but I'm sure I left those people around me stunned. After all this was their first look at powers.

I couldn't care what the paramedics were talking about above my body. I was focused on the 6 children looking at me bewildered as well as the old-looking man with them and whatever my mom was saying at the time.

I was put on a stretcher and rushed to a hospital for evaluations after the pandemics came but they never found anything. It was like everything was perfectly reattached.

But as I was leaving I could see the news reporters zeroing in on the kids trying to get the details on how these children saved the bank from thievery.

“Our world is changing.” The man spoke to the crowd. “Has changed. There are some among us gifted with abilities far beyond the ordinary.” He said looking back at the children. But they weren’t paying attention, some were staring at my ambulance and some eyes were on the ground.

“I have adopted seven such children. I give you the inaugural class of the Umbrella Academy.”

I now realize thinking back, the seventh person he was talking about was me..

..

PRESENT DAY

My mouth felt like it was moving faster than my brain so I took a pause and chugged the rest of my water cup.

Once again Glorias eyes were wide open. As she took some notes down in a notebook I never noticed beyond this point.

"Uh once I got home I remember the house phone noise filled my house with its nonstop ring, the other person on the phone would change my life forever when he came in.”

“And who was that person?" Gloria asked.

"Reginald Hargeeves, eccentric billionaire and caring father from what the public knew.." I rolled my eyes.

"So I'm guessing it wasn't really like that" she asked carefully.

"He was never a father really, more like a hard state-national basketball coach." She wrote that down.

"I guess it was a hard decision for my parents to make well, my mother. My father was ready to give me up as soon as Reginald stepped foot in my small house."

"And I'm sure they thought there was nothing bad about the offer they were given, he promised I'd be raised in a steady environment with the best schooling and my powers would be used for the greater good. And in exchange, my parents would get a large sum of money for my absence."

"What were you doing during this?" Gloria worried.

"I think I was just sitting right there next to my mom actually. I definitely didn't understand at that point what was happening to me. Still thinking about the events of that day.”

"And then I was being taken out of my only home in the blink of an eye. I resisted the people taking me, starting with screaming and then kicking and then running. Back to my mom's arms, Reginald himself had to pull me away from her. The deal had already been struck and there was no taking me back."

Now looking back at my hands I could only see small teardrops on my palms. Gloria reached for a tissue from the other side of the room. "Thank you," I said as I wiped my eyes.

"I like to think that my mom was upset that day but the memory has already started to fade as I reached adulthood.

You know after that day I was no longer 'Y/n L/n' no, I was known by my new name.. Zero Hargeeves."

..

I decided that was the end of my story, at least for now because I couldn't place the pieces together anymore. I was full-on sobbing at that point.

Gloria decided to bring up something more light to talk about next but I don't remember what it was because I'd zoned out and thought about the cat she'd told me about earlier.

The two hours seemed to fly by because the last thing I heard her say was if I didn't have anything else to talk about then that would be the end of the session. My legs seemed to move on their own as I walked out of that building. I would come back at the same time next week and honestly, I think therapy was for the best. I forgot about how I felt about all these things for the longest time.

I started the journey back to the bus stop, stopping to look in the windows of shops.

Shops like bakeries and bookstores and other things like that. Until I came to a stop in front of a store with a TV sticking out in the window.

My eyes scanned the screen and they went wide. The lady on the news had a somber expression as someone died. I was feeling sad for the person's family, but then I read the red-blaring headline.

The person who died was Reginald Hargeeves...

...

Aug 14 update:

If you'd like to be added to the tag list for rest of the series (starts at chapter 10) say taglist in the comments!

[perfectlysunny02]

when you love someone

I want a divorce. Tommy thinks he deserves more than a text halfway through his 24 hours. He thinks he deserves more than a text after he kissed Evan goodbye this morning and dropped their son off at school. He thinks he deserves more than a text when things have been going great. The Kinard's have never been better. Tommy knows that he deserves more than a text. So, he calls Evan the moment he gets a break, not even expecting him to answer, full of righteous anger. "Hello?" And somehow Evan's calm voice when he answers only seems to piss Tommy off more. "What the fuck?" Tommy snaps, ignoring Evan's sharp inhale of breath. He doesn't care right now. Evan holds his entire heart and he's about to shatter it completely in two. "So you want a divorce, huh? Didn't have the decency to even tell me in person, huh? Had to wait till I was on shift, until both I and our son were out of the house. That's cruel, sweetheart, what the hell?" "Tommy-" Evan begins weakly, but Tommy cuts him off. "I'm at work. I'm a pilot. It's dangerous if I'm distracted and you send me a text saying you want a fucking divorce out of nowhere? I thought we were fine. We are fine. What the fuck, Evan Kinard? What's wrong? What happened? What did I do?" His voice finally breaks, and tears begin to pool angrily at the edge of his lashes, but he doesn't care. He doesn't understand what's going on and he's not sure he wants to. "Tommy, I-" "No, Evan. There better be an explanation coming out of your fucking mouth and it better be a goddamn good one, or I swear-" "I just can't baby," Evan is crying now, and Tommy feels his chest aching. He feels like he's going to be sick. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't-" Suddenly it all makes sense. Evan is self-sabotaging. Has been since that one call a few months ago, where he couldn't save a girl close to Grey's age. "Is this about the call?" Tommy asks, his voice a little bit gentler. "I thought therapy was helping sweetheart. I don't understand-" "It's not," Evan sobs. "I'm broken, Tommy. I'm broken and there's no fixing me. You and Grey are better off without me in your lives. I ruin everything-"

using this as my motivational monday and tagging:

@theotherbuckley @diazsdimples @tiltingheartand @runicnotation @desert--moonchild

@ikkesola @actuallyitsellie @mythicalamity @kinardsevan @laratoncito-diaz

@whatisreggieshortfor @hyperfocusthusly @bibibibuckleykinard @bidisasterevankinard @cinderellarhea

@justtuesdays @wikiangela @geniusjester @raethethey @racerchix21

@drcloyd @gallavenjiam @herrmannhalsteadproduction @itsametaphorok @kinardiaz

@mintedwitcher @sterekorgtfo @tevankinkley @vanann6 @whentheresidentsareevil

@26-cats-in-a-trenchcoat @30somethingautisticteacher @911-whatsyoursix @bobbinsnash @twopercentboy

[spinchip]

He keeps ending up in these situations- these soft, quiet moments with Zane where everything Lloyd wants to say is crowding behind his teeth before he swallows it all back down. He never felt bold enough to disturb the piece, or maybe he never felt sure-footed enough to navigate the conversation. The land around the topic of the Never Realm was still littered with landmines and sinkholes. Zane didn't talk to them about it.

They're stargazing. Lloyd was out here first basking in the rare alone time. He'd turned Kai away two hours ago when he'd come to check on him, but when Zane stood over him and blotted out the stars with a weak smile- Lloyd invited him to stay, and promised himself he wouldn't shelve this conversation for another day.

He's look at Ursa Major when he says it, "I'm Afraid you'll never be okay again."

There's a soft pause.

"I am okay, Lloyd." Zane reassures him in a voice that is so much more monotone than before the Never Realm, "Therapy has been extremely rewarding. I feel like myself again."

He sits up, propping himself up on arms that don’t tremble, “You’re not yourself, though.” He feels like he has to force the words out from behind the lump in his throat, “You don’t cook, or meditate, or bird watch anymore-” He stops to center himself, “...I’m scared you’ll never go back to normal.”

Zane is the quiet one this time.

Lloyd lies back down, feeling worse than before. They watch the stars trek across the sky.

“I believe this is the new normal, Lloyd.” He says very, very quietly.

Immediately Lloyd sits up again, twisting to face Zane, “How can you say that? Two months ago you were acting totally fine! Yeah, when you came back from the Never Realm you spent a whole month alone in your room... but then you were Zane again, and now- now you’re…”

“Different.” Zane finishes, “I have changed.”

“Yeah.” Lloyd turn forward, staring down in his lap.

No one says anything. Lloyd feels like he's royally blowing this conversation and making everything worse.

“...When I first returned from the Never Realm, I was... in a dark place. It was easier to hide and sort through things on my own, But I… had not dealt with it as well as I could have. After I spent that time alone and I returned to the team, once more joining with the group socially, I was still a mess. I did not know who I was, and I did not feel like anyone- not Zane, and not the emperor. So I looked in my memory banks and pretended.”

Lloyd looks back at Zane, who’s eyes are fixed resolutely on the moon and not Lloyd's reaction. “You… what?”

“I did not want to worry you. My theory was that If i acted like I was okay, I would be. I hoped I could figure it all out before anyone realized I was wearing a mask, that I could fix myself to the point where I could stop pretending.” He links his hands together on top of his stomach, “Then Cyrus Borg put me in touch with his therapist." Two times a week, every Monday and Thursday. Lloyd knew that. "She helped me realize that this act I was putting on was not a positive move for me and my recovery. It is not that I have regressed, Lloyd- i have simply stopped pretending to be who I used to be.”

“You were trying to protect us?”

There’s another pause, “It was partly selfish, too. I was… afraid. I was scared that if you and the others realized just how much I had changed, you would not see me the same. That the love you had for me would not be able to adapt to who I have become.”

“I- of course we would love you! Always!” Lloyd insisted immediately, “It’s not- I didn’t mean- I was just worried. I’m sorry.” He feels shame curdle in his gut at his earlier words, unintentionally picking at Zane's insecurity.

“I understand your feelings, Lloyd. You do not need to apologize,” He smiles softly at him and its not the same smile Lloyd is so used to, but it has its own warmth, “Change is not… a bad thing. The circumstances leading to this were, but this is what healing looks like for me at this point. I am figuring out who I am again- I do not bird watch or cook or meditate, no, but I think you’ll be surprised at how good my knitting has gotten.” He offers Lloyd another tiny smile, “I am finding my happiness again.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Zane's soft blue eyes flicker back up to the stars and his smile turns gentle, “You are always helping, even if you do not realize it. All of you are.”

[sae-something]

my extra strong PRN is working and I had 2 glasses of wine so I started rambling and spiralling.

(i'm not fine but i'm safe and just gonna go sleep now. sorry about this.)

I feel so broken. It's just fighting SH urges all day. Last week on monday, we hit something really deep in therapy. I don't really grasp the full weight of it yet, but it felt really, really big. I was overwhelmed, I told A what a young (traumatized) part was saying inside, and A helped me by holding her (imagination). She made a little bowl out of her hands and told me she held this little girl in her safe and still and calm and warm hands, and that we could wrap her in my scarf, and that all 'little girls like that' need is to be held.

And then on thursday we had the evaluation (with HT) and it felt impossibly and unbearably painful to not have any space for all that pain, for all the little girls. I emailed A on wednesday to let her know that I felt the intense turmoil inside about 'seeing her (and HT) without having space for all the pain'.

A didn't read the email until friday. So on thursday I was sitting there with HT and A and it felt like pure and absolute abandonment. To have to sit there with the two people knowing me (and all my parts) closest, and to not have any space for how I felt like a walking wound, like a vulnerable bleeding open wound. Some angry/defensive parts got really, really triggered afterwards.

Eventually A replied to the email on friday and it was a good reply. It made me cry. And I have been counting down the actual hours until therapy again. And then this morning she emailed to cancel.

And also last night I had a dream. My sister finally came to me and in my dream I felt a wave of sadness and relief - until I noticed that my sister could not even look at me. She was just emptily staring at a spot next to me as she told me: dad is dying, you have to come to say goodbye. I went there, and my mother and sister just ignored me. It was like being invisible. They were making me wait until I could see my dad. By the time they finally came to get me, he had already died.

I woke up and went to pee. Didn't have many feelings (some confusion about whether it was real; a few tears - then back to sleep), but it's been haunting me all day. Both my parents had so many health scares over the last year. What if something happens? Will someone notify me? How will I feel? What will I do?

And then I couldn't see A today. When all I needed was her. I've been calming myself down by imagining seeing her again. And now she's gone. And this week, precisely this week, I am going to visit friends in Belgium thursday til saturday. And only two weeks ago A told me she could see me on thursday (online) this week. But that's not possible because I have to catch the train sometime in the morning.

And now all of it just feels like it's my fault. I wanted A too much, so she got sick. I had too many emotions, so she got sick. I decided to not see her twice this week, and she got sick. I wanted her too much, I wanted her too little, I felt too much, I shared too little. I should have flipped out on thursday, would that have mattered? All I want is to hurt myself. Pain pain pain pain pain. Please. I wish someone would just hurt me already.

Sorry I'm getting more and more triggered so I'll stop writing now and just go lay in bed. Only 2 days of work this week - tuesday and wednesday. And then days with friends. On sunday I'll watch both frozen movies with a close friend. And then hopefully A will be back??? Obviously britney, mara and whoever else is angry and distrustful is growling "we're NOT going back" but like. I will. I always go back. I've always been the one to crawl back, begging for another crumb of kindness, another drop of warmth.

I am drowning in longing. I just want A. I want to be a child and to have A as a mother. Even if I'd get born again with a whole new life and I'd get another mother who would hurt me, I'd want it to be A. (I know how fucked up that is to write.) (It's just how everything is messed up. Love comfort longing safety --- pain sexthings terror - what's the difference? What's the difference? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's all the same. The only thing that's changed is that I am now close enough to other parts to prevent them from emailing A, begging her "will you please hurt me".

Which is good but also means it's not even getting out anymore. Everything is just stuck inside. I'm so alone. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. Please hurt me. Please hold me.

[wanderingmind867]

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. It should be fine. One day i think i should tell my therapist about this account, in the same way i should tell my dad. But considering my grandfather comes down on monday, now doesn't feel like a great time. But one day. And besides all that, I think seeing my therapist will definitely improve my mood as I go into dealing with family for five days. Because seeing my therapist always makes me feel better. I usually end up getting stressed out again a few days afterwards, but the visits still help. I'm glad for the ability to have therapy.

[kolour-me-kourt]

Chapter Eighteen: Space

"Maybe we need space?"

"You don't think we have enough of that?" "I'm just saying you're getting clingy I find it cute ... sexy even but don't be giving me all this when you know good and well we can't keep up like this.... Running back and forth to each others cities every weekend ... you're here when you don't have a game or I'm there when you do"

"Space yo ass to the closet and pack your bag before you piss me off" he couldn't help but laugh at her cause that makes no sense "I'm being so serious right now" "I guess I'm just confused cause I thought we wanted to see eachother..,. No matter what? So if we can do that right now what's the point" "Of course but right now we can do this what happens on the day we can't?" "Cross the bridge when we get to it" "I can't live like that"

"so what are we doing!?" He raised his voice "why are you getting upset" "it was fine for me to run back and forth when were doing therapy every week in person... because I was the one sacrificing" "BECAUSE YOU CHEATED" "here we go again" "YOU brought it up Jayson YOU did" "alright so what you doing cause I'm leaving in a hour you coming or not" she rolled her eyes "do you want me there?" "Not if you picking fights... you don't wanna eat with my mama?" She smirked "you think ima tell the mamas boy that I don't wanna do something with his mama...... are you crazy?" "Tell me whatever" he waited for her to say something but she didn't instead she rolled her eyes folding and placing her clothes in her suitcase she packed clear heels and black heels so they can go with whatever outfit she's wearing to dinner. She put her skims in there for her lounging clothes. A black maxi dress with a slit in the side. Distressed jeans and a crop top with Jaysons name it on it for the game a brown dress, she packed extra everything.

He watched as she folded her clothes and placed her shoes in the suitcase trying to be aloof but he can tell she was squatting and bending over just for him "We're virtual Monday and Tuesday ... so I can stay longer if you want" "what you want from me huh?" His voice was deep he could physically see it tuned her on she smiled

"I would like for you to answer my question" "you can stay forever... if you wanted to" "what do you want?" "For you to stay as long as you can... I thought you knew that? That's why we into it right?" He walks closer and closer to her "we not into it" "seem like it... tell me why you really mad... should I have not come last night? I shouldn't have stayed? You just want me on call for dick and not a relationship? What is it?" She lifted her eyebrow

"that can be arranged?" "Nah cause I'm in love with you it's no going back from that" "right answer" she smiled "YN what's up Fr" she sighed " the last time I let you completely in we know what happened.... I've forgiven you and we've moved on however continuing to move forward I don't wanna drop everything like I use too" "have I hurt you recently" ".... You scared me last night" "what I do last night?" "the phone conversation when you got mad ... you hung up on me all of that it's almost like we're too dependent on eachother" "so you're dependent on me?" "Emotionally... absolutely every five seconds I wanna talk to you especially when you're not around .... That's dangerous you have friends and family ... most importantly your son I can't need you like that because I can't have you like that" "why is it dangerous?"

He picks her up placing her on her island "Jayson at the end of the day were just dating ... and I'm happy here trust me but if this shit goes left? Then what? I'll literally have to detox from you like you're a drug" "I don't like how you feel like you need a back up plan ... you think I would be in the nba if I had three back up plans for if this didn't happen? If you planning a back up plan you don't have time to focus on Plan A. Relationship wise I'm your Plan A stop wondering what you gonna have to do if we not together *he kisses her slowly* I already told yo ass I'm not going no where" she bit her lip "I love you" "I love you too....We good now?" "So you hung up cause I pissed you off?" "I hung up cause you was acting like you couldn't answer my questions ... if you don't ever wanna answer me say that but don't one word me... you hear me?" He stared deep in her eyes meaning business. "Yes sir"

He smiled

" now we good?" "Mhm" "alright let's get ready and go" he helps her down and then tries to walk off but she held him there he smiles "yes?"  She gets on her knees pulling him out of his pants. "Bae..." "shhhh Jayson please" he had rarely been with someone who loved to give him head like YN. YN absolutely loved to give her all. He melted when her lips wrapped around him. "I really do love you ... so much it scares me" she said and then quickly placed him back In her mouth "I wanna respond but I can't even think straight your mouth feels so good" he watched her Intently as she started to get sloppy the spit was dripping out of her mouth his hips started to move slowly. The groans that he let out were music to her ears. Her phone started to ring. He glanced at the phone but didn't stop he moved YN hair to see her eyes

"look at me" she looked up at him. "Don't stop till I cum... you hear me" "mhmmm" "good girl" she continued to stroke and suck until he came in her mouth she let it dribble out of her mouth staring up at him. He was completely breathless. "I wanna take a picture of this" she laughed

" no now move" she wipes her face on her robe "damn why you talking to me like that?" He pretended to be hurt she rolled her eyes. "I gotta talk to you like that so we can get to where we need to be on time"

"so you telling me you don't want me to bend you over?" "What I want isn't important...." "Well what about what I want?" "You want a lot of things so you're gonna have to choose what's more important" she said with a smirk he licked his lips "what's my options?" "Fuckin me or making it back so we can be on time to meet your mama" "fuckin you is more important than being on time" "uh ehhhhh wrong answer" she laughed walking past him going into the bathroom. "You wrong for that baby" he laughed "hush" she said loud enough for him to hear. Her phone started ringing again so he picked it up.

The number wasn't saved so he decided to answer he didn't say anything at first he let the other person speak.

"Yoooo" the voice was deep and clearly a guy Jayson raised his eyebrow "who is this?" He tried to hide his anger but it came out the person quickly hung up Jayson walks into the bathroom where YN was washing her face after brushing her teeth.

"Some unknown number just called you and when I asked who it was they hung up" "okay" "it was a dude" "... okay?" "Who tf was it?" She stared at him in the mirror his voice was calm but his words cut like knives "how the hell am I supposed to know?" "They calling your phone" "mmm okay baby you right I'm wrong it's my side Nigga.... That's what you wanna hear?" He laughed "if it's the truth" she turned and kissed his lips "calm down please bae it's  probably just a wrong number" "can you call it back for me?" "Yes if you would like me too" she started walking back. "You know what.... It's fine" "you sure?" "Mhm" "okay then Bae ... I'm done packing and everything I just gotta put this bag in my suitcase" "okay ... I'll go ahead and get the Uber" "okay baby"

*time skip*

They were walking off the plane at 5 o clock dinner was at grill 23 & Bar at 7 o clock. "Still don't have enough time to get ready" YN says as the chauffeur helps Jayson place things in the back of Suburban once he got in the car he glanced at her. "Two hours?" "Wellll I'm sure we're not leaving at 7 right? And we're not even back to your place yet so it's not two hours" he kissed her lips "you have time to figure out whatever you wanna do" "wym?" "You already know what you're wearing you already washed ... so what else do you need to do" "my hair" "alright" "what?" "Nothing I'm not going back and forth cause it might take you that long to do your hair Fr" she kissed his cheek "can we push the time a littleeee bit?" "What you trying to do to your hair?" "If I tell you you'll understand?" "I'll try too" YN laughed "I want it to look wet but I have to go section by section so I might get done in time but I might not" "how it look?" "This"

"I'll help you do it just show me how" YN laughed "Jayson baby..." "I'm serious it can't be that hard" they finally pulled into his place rushing into the house it was 5:45. She went to the organizer that had all her hair products getting her spray bottle, gel, hair clips,blow dryer and denman brush.

She sections her hair off wetting and then combing through a a section detangling it. She wets it again brushing it and then using her gel she brushes again then blow drying it and adding clips too keep it down. "I just watched you do the whole thing it's easy." "You were watching me?" "Yeah baby ... you got like a hour... think you can do it?" "Mhm let me work" she smiled he laughed "alright....." he turns his music on loudly looking through his closet and then getting in the shower by the time he got out of the shower she was adding in cute hair clips on the sides.

"damn you look good" " with 10 minutes to spare" she smiled rushing into the bathroom to wipe any gel residue off her neck and face. Then she grabbed her shoes out of her bag sitting them by the door. She went back to grab her jewelry placing it on quickly and then grabbing her dress stepping into it and sliding it up her body before Jayson saw her.

"Damn you ready?"  "Once you pick my shoes" "okay what's the two pairs" "well those are lace up and those are clear I like the lace up ones but they're black and idk about black with this brown. "You have some gold ones in here ... wear these" he brings them out "okay.... You let me beat you" she smiled "I'm looking for my shirt.....never mind I'll just throw on a hoodie" YN scrunched up her face

"What's wrong?" "I'm use to having to match your fly .... But you not matching mine tonight" "so I should change?" "We should leave..." "I don't look good?" "You look sexy as fuck it's just relaxed but that's fine let's go or I rushed for no reason" he walks over to her kissing her lips "sexy af huh?" "Mhmmm" "wait till I get you tonight...."  "What you gon do to me?" He licked his lips "let's go before we don't be going" "you know you love your mama .... Don't want you to miss her" "you right.... That's why I love you" she bit her lip "I love you more" "you sure? Cause I don't think so" he reaches for her hand she places hers in his as they began to walk out of his place and to his car.

"I do love you more ... and I can't explain how" "then how you know it's more" he opens her car door letting her in and then getting in on the driver side. "Maybe I'm wrong .... Doubt it though" she smiled "thank you for coming with me .... I love you and I appreciate it" "I'm happy to come" "really? You acting like you don't like me today... asking for space and shit" he laugh she lifted an eyebrow "we beefin?" "Nah not unless you want to ... let me know" she smiled "I'm tempted ... but I'll let you have it" "don't let me have shit"

"I asked for space because when I get to the point where I'm here every weekend and then one weekend you talking about don't come cause you not feeling like "dealing" with me then it'll be a issue" "so one hypothetical weekend in the future that I might ask for space.... Had you asking for space earlier? And you still trying to act like I'm the slow one?" "You calling me slow?" "I'm saying it don't make no sense" "what doesn't make sense is you starting this discussion after passing out I love you's and appreciation" "I can love you and you still get on my nerves .... I can tell nobody has ever loved you past the part where you get annoying" she laughed

"so in the past three minutes I've been annoying and slow.... K let me keep my record cause the moment I call you out your name you be mad talking about I take it too far" "you don't call me annoying?" "Mhm" "oh okay then" she flips the mirror down staring at herself  "damn I should've worn this last night ... I look good" "wear it for your girls? Instead of me? While we taking notes I'll write that one down" she smiled "yeah I wore taller heels with them too... add that in" "trust me I will anything else I should know?" "I love your.... Slow annoying ass" she smirked again closing the mirror  he bit his lip.

"Yeah we into it" "just a simple conversation bae" "don't do it in front of my mama" "of course not I like her" "what you don't like me?" YN laughed  "oh bet ... I thought we were friends" he said quickly "mhm we are" she said but it sounded fake

"I like my friends tho" "so you don't like me?" "You don't like me" "that's not true .... And if it was. My feelings shouldn't dictate yours ... you too old for that baby" "if you want me to fuck you aggressively you can just ask... I'm not much with the talking I'll have your little ass folded up" she licked her lips glad that they were on the same page ... just a lil aggressive flirtation. But just his words knocked the breath from her body.

"you started this argument sir not me ... so you say that's what you wanna do" "that's what I wanna do ... I want you to ask me for it though" YN leans over kissing his cheek "I wanted it since this morning" her voice came out as a whine he laughed

"I knew you didn't want space" "baby..... that was truthful.... Don't get me use to something you can't keep up with" "well Deuce will be back from vacation soon so that comes back into play" "Always... I just mean you wanna spend all this time with me now don't switch up on me"

she kisses his neck sucking on it a little bit "sit in your seat right before I turn around" she listened "think about your mama..... ain't that the restaurant right there?" "Yeah I thought it was closer to the house feel like we been in this car forever " "cause you was being nasty" "nah that's you with your freaky ass" YN glances at the clock "wellllll... we making it right on time ... she's here already?" "Let me call and ask"

After Jayson parked he called his mom she said she was running late and she was about ten minutes away.

"You wanna go ahead and get the table?" YN asks he stares in her eyes for a while "yeah ... that makes the most sense cause um.... Yeah" "baby you keep trying to threaten me with a good time" "I'm not threatening you... I would never do that" he kissed her lips smiling "mmmmmm Jayson" "what?" "It's the build up for meeeeeeeee" she laughed "let's go"

He gets out of the car letting her out as they walk to the door he talk to the hostess briefly and then they were quickly escorted to a private room.

"You wanna sit beside your mom" she smiled he pulled her chair out "sit yo ass down" she laughed sitting down he scoots her seat in and then sits down beside her.

The waiter walks in "Hello Mr& Mrs Tatum I will be serving you tonight my name is Jesse. Can I start you off with any drinks?" "We're waiting on two more people so if you could just bring four glasses of water" "sparkling or still sir?" "You want sparkling or still?" "I'll take mine still with three lemons... thank you" "all still then" "okay I'll bring that right out to you guys" "thank you"

"Mr and Mrs Tatum.... That sounded good" YN said looking into Jaysons eyes "YN Tatum.... I always liked that" he kisses her lips "you've thought about it?" "Of course.... It's too early though" " I agree ... we're clearly still in the sex phase" "sex phase ... meaning what?" "All we wanna do is fuck" "I like to do stuff with you too but you be using me for dick " "bae that is not true" she laughed "I do like going out with you I got some stuff planned for tomorrow" "on game day?" "It'll be early"

"Can't wait " she laughed

"why three lemons?" "Hmm?" "Your water you got three lemons" "Ohhhh Four is too powerful three isn't powerful enough" "are you gonna even drink it?" "Yeah I'm a little thirsty somebody got me hot in the car" "you did that to yourself ... stop putting that shit on" "putting what on?" "Anything you look good in"

"I need to stop by the store and get a scarf I wouldn't wanna ruin your pillowcases or more importantly my hair" "I like how you switch the subject like that" "you do huh?" "Yeah I'll stop you by cvs" she laughed "that's perfect actually when they close?" "Should be late I don't know" "you gotta du rag?" "Around the house somewhere" " I might have to use that instead" "that reminds me my hair cut early in the morning" "not in the bedroom though" "nah" "okay so we good I'll be sleep" "don't come downstairs with no clothes on... that's why I'm telling you" "now why would I do that?" He kissed her softly and quickly turns into a make out session and the door opens.

"I would say get a room but you're already in it" Jaysons mom says causing Jayson to stand right up. "Heyyy ma" "hey son" "Hi Mrs. Brandy" "hey love" after everyone speaks they sit down.

                *time skip*

"How long you gonna be here?" Brandy asks YN "until he starts getting on my nerves" YN laughed "oh so you leave tonight?" Brandy laughs "nice to see you have jokes" Jayson rolls his eyes "you know we love you hush" YN kisses his cheek "she's leaving on Tuesday"

"Thats a nice little break are you taking vacation?" "No I'll be virtual on Monday and Tuesday but I wanted to make sure I stay and come to the games. So it'll be fine" "and how has your wrist been" his mom asked Jayson his head immediately dropped "I'm sorry your wrist?" "I'm fine it's fine" "you just saying that cause I'm here?" "Can we not do this here" he quickly shuts her down  YN rolls her eyes

YN knows he tells his mom things that he doesn't tell her... but she figure she would be told about injuries.  "I'm gonna go to the bathroom ... can you get a refill for me if he comes back" Jayson says talking to YN "yeah" he stands up kissing the top of her head walking off

"I thought he told you or I wouldn't have said anything" "it's fine I don't expect him to tell me everything he tells you... I would just hope if he was hurting in anyway he would tell me" "he's a man he's stubborn" YN sighs "yeah... I'm starting to notice that" she smiles

*after dinner in the car on the way back*

"Did you grab my box?" YN asked Jayson "yes it's in the back... did you like the food?" "Yes" "look...I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my wrist" "you didn't have too" "you saying that but you clearly mad" "yeah ... I am" "because I told my mom and not you?" "Because I could've hurt you ... more .... You're sitting here in pain and not even telling me maybe I'm mad because I didn't notice you were hurt ...idk" she's sighed "it was sore after the last game you saw how I fell on it I been having Nick wrap it while I been home .... I'm not in pain just monitoring it" "would you have told me if it was more serious?" "Definitely" "okay please just in the future let me know ... big or small. It can be after your mom I just don't want to hurt you in any kind of way" " you keep saying that  how you think you can hurt me?"

"You pick me up throw me around ... finger me" "it's my left wrist ... when I finger you I use my right hand " She laughed "okay Jayson I'm just saying though" "I'm sorryyyyyy" "you'll make it up to me .... If you're really healthy" "I can always fuck you" "think Nick will come and wrap you?" He sighs "YN please" "baby I'm just saying" "that's part of the reason I didn't tell you I knew you would worry" she picks up his hand kissing his wrist and sucking his middle finger he glanced at her "I won't worry bout you then niggaaaaa" she laughed

"... do that again I liked it" she sucked on his middle finger adding his ring finger into the mix she gagged "Save that for my dick" "you so nasty" "speaking of that .... What about that aggressive sex we was talking about earlier" "mmmmmm none for you tonight" "bae I'm not hurt" "yeah.... But you didn't tell me you was uncomfortable sooooooooo punishment" "nah you gon have to figure something else out" "let me think" "I'll be waiting when you done" after a few minutes she glanced at him as he pulled into the driveway. "When I suck your dick you can't touch me .... If you touch me no sex" he parks the car "that's fine with me.... Your hair gel down anyway" "well....let's go"

Soon as they made it to the room she was stripping. "I've wanted you all day... I like foreplay but damn" she smiled he places her on the night stand kissing her roughly grabbing her neck. She moaned "okay" she says softly "okay what?" "Okay you can touch me I don't care anymore just fuck me please" "you always fold so quick" "don't pick on me" "it's sexy so shutup" she wrapped her legs around his waist "what if I don't wanna shutup" "then don't" he kisses her again her hands slide under his hoodie rubbing his body. "Take it off.... Jayson" she uses her nails raking down his body cause him take a sharp inhale He steps back and strips.

They stare at each other admiring Gods work of art. "You fine as fuck you know that?" He asked her "it's nice to hear it still" he walks closer to her picking her up slowly kissing her lips. She felt him inside of her so she gasped. "Damn you always stay so wet for me" she kisses his lips digging her nails into his back. "You fuck me so good Jay.... Mmmmm" he slams her down on the bed. "You know I like when you look me in my eyes while I'm Fuckin you"

He moved his hips roughly but he still managed to make his strokes tinder everytime he went deep her whole body shook. He smiled when he felt her tighten around him. He grabbed her throat sliding his thumb in between her lips causing her to suck it softly. "Fu—" he cuts her moan off with a kiss as his thumb comes between them rubbing her clit.

"You love me?" "Yessss" "how much you love me baby?" "So—- damn fuck Jayson fuck" "I'm sorry for not telling you about my wrist baby" "ohhhhh my goshhh" "you hear me? Daddy sorry baby" "I forgive you ... fuckkk Jayson please" "please what?" "I love what you're doing to me I'm about to ughhhh" "tell me what I'm doing to you YN.... Hm tell me" "you fuck this Pussy up ... Jayyyyy" "who pussy" "—- yours all yours" "forever?" "Mmmmmm" "hmmm forever?" "Yes forever"

"You promise?" "— i promise baby forever" he kissed her again "cum for me" her legs began to shake as she loses all control. "I love how you wait for me to tell you... don't push me out" her eyes roll in the back of her head "you want me to stop?" "No—- don't stop "

"You want me to keep going?" "Yes Jayson please" "hmmm?" "Please don't stop ... pleaseee" "you gon cum with me?" "Yesss" "want me to cum all in this pussy?" "Yesss daddy fill me up" "mmmm you so sexy... I love you YN" "I love you tooo ... cum for me" "it feel so good when we connected like this" "baby right there... don't stop" "you feel me bout to cum" "Yessss but your hitting my spot baby pleaseee" "fuck" "you fuck me so good Jayson fuckkkkk meeeee" his breath got knocked out of him once she started cuming again he released immediately.

She had literally snatched his soul.

"Jayson I love youuuuuuuu" his hips finally slowed down and then stopped he laid down on top of her as they struggle to catch their breaths.

"The build up just makes me want you over and over again .... I'm sorry for being selfish today ... I love you" she said softly in his ear kissing his cheek and neck over and over again "what you talking about baby" "I be wanting you to hold it ... cause it feels so good" "that's fine Bae... but since you apologized I'll forgive you" he turns his head kissing her lips.

"I don't want space" she stared in his eyes "good me either" he smiled he could tell she was extra emotional so he was just trying to bare with her.

         *the next day*

Jayson had his hair cut so he was downstairs with his barber YN had gotten up later than him so she had just went to the bathroom and she realized she was spotting. She rolled her eyes that explains why she was so angry and sad all at the same time.... Her and Jayson had been around eachother while she was on her period but never really over night. It wasn't on purpose it just had happened that way but now it seems like she was about to start after freshening up she search her bags looking for a pad or a tampon that she might have forgotten. After searching her purse she finds a tampon. So she gets in the shower taking a quick one then she gets dressed using the tampon and she heads downstairs.

"Hey guys" she says to both Jayson and his Barber. "Hey" "hey baby ... you need something?" "Some keys to a car" she smiled "you don't wanna wait on me?" "I kinda need to go now Jay so not really.... Which car can I use?" She bats her eyelashes smiling he laughs "take the Benz bae" "you guys want any food while I'm out?" " I'm good I ate before I came" "we got a little lunch date so I'll wait for that"

" oooou Well okay I'll be right back" "okay baby... I love you" "I love you too" YN grabs the keys off the hook in the kitchen heading for the car. She looks up the nearest drug store. It was about five minutes away so she got there in no time getting some pads and tampons .... a few cravings....midol and a heating pad. She shook her head at her total but left going straight back to Jaysons and his barber was on his way out.

YN comes in with her bags Jayson quickly grabs her bags. "You had to rush out to go to Walgreens?" " I needed pads" "oh.. are you?" " I'll be starting today ... so yeah" he kissed her forehead "how you feeling?" "I'm still fine I'll be okay for our date... I promise" "good...." "It came early or I probably would've just planned to leave tonight" "... can I ask why?" "You know how I get lately with my period I really be in pain and like moody" "okay?" "And that's annoying" "you my annoying girlfriend... so I don't care" he laughed she playfully hit him while smiling "that's a first" "wellll if you do start feeling sick we can do movies until I have to take my nap for the game" "I'm coming tonight" "good I need you there" "so what my surprise?" "Wouldn't you like to know" he kisses her forehead walking away. "Um yes bae that's why I asked" she laughed following him

[i-like-anything-water]

fic idea, "The Adventures of a Drunk Queen Bee" chapter one, " what will happen if we tape buttered bread to Adrien's back and he jumps off a building? Will he land on his feet or on his back?"

There was laughing in the background as she adjusted the camera. Giving her signature smirk, Queen Bee wobbly stood up and gestured to the other heroes at the back.

"Hello, citizens of Paris! Today you will witness one of the greatest discovery to human and Kwami kind. An experiment worth your commoners attention span at 3 A.M. on a Monday." There was some shuffling and a red clad hand wrapped around her shoulder, the owner looking both amused and annoyed, "Bee, you're drunk."

"Citizens of Paris, this isn't the experiment I meant. Although, Ladybug and I have already tried various positions for better -"

"Oh my god, Bee!" A blushing Ladybug tackled her to the floor. There was some more giggling and a yelp as Rena appeared on the screen. Smiling mischievously, she grabbed the camera and not so gracefully walked over the two bugs, "The lovebirds are tied in a battle on who's going to come on top, but personally I think it's always Ladybug."

"Excuse me?!" Queen Bee's shriek made her laugh, "I am an amazing les-bee-an!"

"Not with those stupid puns."

A scoff, "You love my puns. You love anything that comes out of my mouth, darling."

"You being drunk should be a crime."

"You being an unsupportive girlfriend is a threat to humanity!"

Ladybug sighed as Queen Bee tried to wrestle her way out, "Why am I dating you?"

Silence. Then, "You wanna show the audience why? I wouldn't mind- ow, hey! You fucking brat!"

Rena shrugged as she turned the camera towards her, "They'll be fine. If I hear some non kiddy friendly sounds I'm kicking them off the roof."

Having reached her destination, she gave a bow as she showed their audience the 'experiment' Queen Bee had mentioned.

"Behold, cat on buttered bread. Will he land on his toes, back, or therapy?"

Chat Noir grinned and twirled, showing off the massive piece of bread drenched in butter at his back, "I don't mind either one. Father, are you seeing this? I can land on my own now!"

Carapace looked at the two, then at the camera, "I hope it's therapy."

[pjharvey-moved]

sooo apparently the emotional support letter i had for phil isn't what my building wants they want a specific form for them i have to fill out and get a SECOND signature from my therapist which i can't do until my second therapy appointment on monday and if i pick up my cat before then (which i already did) i have to pay the pet deposit, which i can't afford, so we have to lie to my building about when we got phil which i feel no shame in doing because it's ridiculous they wouldn't accept my letter and want additional documentation. but i'm fine as long as they don't find my tumblr

[reynanghugot]

I closed out July and started August with a roller coaster of emotions. As you all know, I've been struggling with my current health situation, but I did not let it ruin my day.

I ended my third-year second semester [July 29] with a bang by passing our final research defense with flying colors. [If you're following me on Instagram, you were able to see the snap of that in my story.]

I was admitted the following Sunday [July 30] for my RAI therapy the next day, Monday [July 31].

The first night of my therapy was fine. Apparently, I woke up on Tuesday. [August 1] with a swollen neck, no voice, a dry throat, and total pain. I spent the first half of my day in a hospital bed and just had my lunch late because I felt nauseous, but despite that, I was able to manage to schedule some Instagram posts and launch my first one. [big thanks to @/kindclouds for all the help.]

I had the same feeling when I woke up on Wednesday, and I'm a bit irritated already because I am having a hard time pulling myself out of bed and taking a bath [as it's a requirement to take a bath at least twice a day to wash off the radiation] but at the same time praying that my radiation will go down to at least 3 or 2.5 in order for me to get the full body scan the same day. After I took a bath, the nuclear medicine technician called me for the radiation exam, and viola! I'm at 3, and I got my body scanned that day, which took around 40 minutes to an hour. I had a good nap too while she was doing the scan, lol! I didn't do anything the whole day after that, as I still felt nauseous. I had my devotional prayer before I went to bed and had a good cry, asking for more help, peace of mind, and to be discharged the next day.

Thursday, I woke up with the same side effect but was hoping that there would be another good news to follow once my doctor visited me early that morning, and an answered prayer indeed, I was informed that I'm truly ready to be discharged that day too. So I messaged my mom and asked her to go to the nurse station asap and process my billing and everything, as I can't go outside of my room yet.

I'm so nervous to death about my bill because I am expecting to cash out for my room and board, but the universe really loves me because I didn't pay anything for the whole procedure because of my HMO, PWD, and PH. I didn't expect that at all as my coverage is not that big and I don't have a 100+k to cash out at all. It was such a relief. [and the funny part was that mom cried first before she went back to the nurse station to forward the discharge stab or something from the billing department.]

That's my latest chika for now. I hope everything goes well in the next few days. I might not be allowed to go out until Monday, especially if it's crowded, but I'm glad I am home, and I hope that the scan will be all cleared and there will be no other hospital staycations in the next few months. Praying for my fast recovery in order for me to go back on track. There is still a lot on my plate for both academics and a new industry that I would like to enter. Happy Friday, Tumblr!

[jehan-d-art]

cw // selfharm, stress, mental health issues

I know I shouldn't have done it but I hurt myself purposefully last week, aka I cut my arms again - which I talked about with my closest friends and family, despite feeling terrible about making them worry about me but I don't want any of them to find out by chance and for them to get angry at me for not telling them what happened.

This week, I went to work on Monday, then I needed a mental health break on Tuesday, I went to work again today because of a really important meeting that couldn’t get rescheduled. I will be going to work tomorrow because of yet another appointment/important deadline and finally I'll not be going to work again on Friday because I'll have a doctor's appointment and a therapy session on Friday during which I'll finally be mentioning that I had yet another relapse (in terms of hurting myself).

The thing is I already feel bad about my mental health being bad enough sometimes that I cannot even get to work on those days and that leads to me feeling bad for all kinds of other reasons, for example, for not being productive, for letting down my work team and colleagues who have to plan around my absence from work. I feel bad for not being able to just work through whatever is going on inside my own mind and thoughts and I also feel bad for being constantly under pressure to hide the true state of my mental health as well as my selfharm scars and cuts because I need this job and to be able to pay my bills and I'm scared of losing that security once I'd even hint at having been diagnosed with dysthymia.

I do not like how I feel constantly pressured by society itself to keep pretending I'm perfectly fine due to the stigmatization of mental health issues. Ironically, this, meaning pretending to be perfectly fine, is one of the main sources of stress in my current day-to-day life.

[never-not-ever]

Said I was going to wait til tomorrow (day 3) to type up and post today's "day 2" but I figured I'd get it out of the way and before I start to forget any more.

It's a little after midnight and I need to take my trazodone tonight so I can actually sleep through the night but I also really want to watch some Will & Grace cause I miss those funny idiots.

I already just want to be silent for my team meeting tomorrow. Like there's no point in arguing back and forth. So next best thing, "kill em with kindness" comes to mind but I don't think that fits. My plan is to go into the meeting all "I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine", "yes" them to death, not say much, seem smiley and chipper. I might even wake up earlyish, shower and make coffee so I "feel my best" which will be a lie but at least my hair will be clean for the first time in days and I'll have some decent coffee which I actually am looking forward to now cause I bought a Torani brown sugar cinnamon syrup. Hmmm tomorrow morning is seeming more promising. Minus the meeting. Which I'm hoping can be quick and done for. Then we'll have the glorious weekend and we'll see how shitty things get and continue the dejavu of Monday morning scaries for team meetings lmao

Also there's supposedly pet therapy tomorrow????? Which I complained about the lack of for 10 months to the nursing director guy and he'd talk about his dog and how he'd being them but they weren't always that friendly.

I remember 8 years ago this unit had a huge pet therapy program. There were two pomeranians, a huge black fluffy dog and a cat named Tuna! I loved that name.

I think I'm going to go on the walk tomorrow at 2 and get more soda at the cafe since I ordered the wrong one with my groceries. Like I want tomorrow to be as smooth and seemingly fine as possible.

My fav nurse who went to nights came in earlier and didn't say hi and of course I took it to heart (is that the phrase)?. So when I took my meds just now I was like "you didn't say hi earlier" and she said she was in her head. Then we chatted a little bit while she got my meds and that was that.

I thought I was going to be able to go to my room right now and watch Will & Grace but my god I'm about to pass out. Like I was already feeling a little sleepy and now this is just speeding it up. I'm sure to sleep through the night cause I haven't taken it in a while and it always hits me harder the first time I start it up again.

Ending this now before I type up another essay. One could say this is already one.