#I'm aware i talk about Trauma Stuff literally ALL THE TIME on here but that's bc i use this as a processing tool

[asidian]

Alright. It is time. Buckle up.

Why you should be watching Dead Boy Detectives: the targeted-specifically-at my-readers edition.

Meet the leads, our two ghost boys:

Edwin Payne: Fussy, repressed intellectual type from the Edwardian era. Exceedingly gay for his partner and best friend. Tortured in hell for seventy years on a technicality because he was ritually sacrificed as a prank gone wrong. Endearingly awful at people and dealing with emotions or his own wants.

Charles Rowland: Impulsive, people-pleasing wildcard from the 80s. Heart eyes 24/7 at his best friend but has zero self-awareness. Badly abused by his asshole of a father. Beaten to death because he saved a kid from bullies. Endearingly awful at sorting his own emotions or talking about his problems.

Some highlights:

/slaps hood you can fit so much trauma in these two

Both leads get sobbing breakdowns that happen on screen. The actors are incredible at crying

Both leads get much-needed hugs

The absolute devotion between the two of them. The shared history that lives in their dialogue and how they work together like people who have been each other's Most Important Person for literal decades

I mean, I'm talking in-canon Orpheus and Eurydice reference level of devotion here

The protective way Charles puts himself physically between Edwin and damn near every threat in the show

They're just fun together. Their interactions and banter and how they work as a team is a delight

Their shared plot arc literally involves them learning to talk to each other and communicate more so that they can be there for one another about their respective issues

The symbolism. God. They are metaphorically and literally one another's light in the darkness

But what about stuff that isn't the main duo? Just wait, there's more:

This show is unabashedly, unapologetically queer. It's there in the text and the subtext. The whole show lives and breathes it

So many good, complex, well-written female characters. The Bechdel test gets blown straight out of the water in episode one and they never look back. Headstrong amnesiac psychic learning to be a better person! Quirky meta commentary matchmaker! Cynical lesbian butcher! Delightfully sadistic witch! They are all amazing.

[audience voice] But I'm here for the hurt/comfort. How can I whump ghosts? Worry not, my friends. Canon has you covered. Not only are there ways, there are ways that happen on-screen. The hurt/comfort and rescue are also on-screen. Yes, it is amazing

Absolute chaos, really cool supernatural cases and creatures, a surprising amount of humor, charming writing, and a cast that absolutely nails it on the acting and chemistry

There is an extremely suggestive trickster type who is also the king of cats. He's a cat in human form. He hits on Edwin nonstop. Charles gets blisteringly jealous

All of the leads have well-thought-through, fully developed, emotional character arcs. They're all messy and flawed and sometimes lash out in their pain, but at turns can be incredibly supportive and kind and loyal

A character who is a crow who is also a boy, who is tortured by his witch/creator and also is crushing hard on one of the leads

There are so many incredible details in the setting, costume choices, prop decisions, etc. that you only catch after you know what it's laying the groundwork for. The level of care that went into this show is phenomenal

It's only eight episodes. The time investment barrier to entry could not possibly be lower

Anyway, tl;dr, if any of this sounds appealing to you, you should give this show a watch.

Dead Boy Detectives is well worth your time. It's easily my favorite show in years.

[fave-fix]

SANYA KAZARINA HAS A COMPLEX DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER, AND HERE'S WHY: a pafl analysis

point zero: definitions

im aware that my knowledge regarding cdds is above average. so, in an effort to avoid being like that one xkcd comic, i'll define the terms i use real quick.

complex dissociative disorder: abbreviated to cdd. an umbrella term that covers did, osdd, udd, and p-did.

dissociation: a mental disconnect, typically from reality. everybody dissociates to an extent - some less severe forms of it are zoning out, driving on autopilot, or getting really absorbed in a show you're watching. in cdds, the dissociation is at a maladaptive level.

alters: short for alternate self states. the dissociated parts of a person with a cdd.

point one: childhood

why do complex dissociative disorders form? it all comes down to stuff that happens in childhood, before the personality is fully integrated. experts disagree on the exact cutoff point [some say as low as 6 years old, others say as high as 12], but 9 is the typical agreed-on point. when somebody dissociates too much during childhood, it keeps their personality and identity from fully forming and integrating. this level of dissociation is almost always a result of childhood trauma.

sanya most certainly has childhood trauma. she grew up without a mother, her father died when she was six, her brother was overprotective, and other caregivers were nikita and kolya. she's also shown in canon to use fiction as a coping mechanism, which is a dissociative trauma response by nature. i don't think it's a reach to say that sanya likely relied on dissociation a lot through her childhood.

as a side note, one common risk factor for cdds is the disorganized attachment style. this attachment style forms when a child's caretakers are inconsistent and unpredictable. all things considered i think this matches sanya as well.

point two: dissociation

i just talked about sanya's dissociation during childhood - now it's time to talk about examples of her dissociation at the current time.

first off, sanya pretty clearly has a dissociative barrier around the concept of grief. what's a dissociative barrier? it's a mental "wall" that uses dissociation as the "bricks". it's the same thing that keeps people with cdds from remembering their trauma, or times when other alters were in front. with this dissociative barrier, sanya has separated herself from the painful emotions that will otherwise come when she loses someone.

another example of sanya's dissociation is in the beginning of 100 epitaphs, when she believes yura to be dead. at first she freaks out, but then she shuts down. this is pretty much textbook dissociation, imo.

point three: alters

i wanted to discuss this one later on because a lot of people tend to see cdds as just "alter disorders" and i wanted to point out some other aspects of the disorder first. that being said, though... sanya not being a singular person is kind of blatantly obvious.

the girl on the right is the sanya that we all know and love. the girl on the left? that... is not sanya. like pretty blatantly so. i'm gonna call her sasha, for ease of reading.

sasha and sanya are pretty clearly different, both visually and in terms of personality. i'll point out the differences.

sasha:

glasses

hair down

typically wearing that fuckass "just escaped gym class" fit from false disposition

seems to be less rebellious than sanya, is fine just staying inside and doing what sergei says

kind of a wimp

sanya:

contacts

ponytail

usually wearing her gopnik fit and has her tshirt sleeves rolled up

rebellious and aggresive, doesnt listen to sergei

not a wimp

they are different people within the same body who go by different names and even interact with each other mentally. they are literally alters

closing statement

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

i never noticed the hints towards pale Solfef! in light of that, i think it's interesting that Eridan pursued Feferi in the pale quadrant while desperately wanting her to end up in his flushed one, meanwhile Feferi pursues Sollux in the flushed quadrant, despite them seemingly destined to be pale lol guess seadwellers are used to swimming up current lmao

that said, what are your thoughts on Erifef? do you think Eridan actually wants her flushed? or is that another subconscious tactic of his to keep her(someone he deeply cares about) by his side?

personally, i'm of the opinion that though they do care about eachother, they could never work out flushed. i think Eridan -though very enthusiastic about her and thinks they share the same troubles that comes with being so high on the hemospectrum, as well as isolated via physical location and the requirements to meet seadweller expectations- doesn't actually want redrom with her, but he knows pale isn't 'good enough' plus prefers to go to Karkat for all the traditional pale stuff. dude doesn't realize they can just be friends and she won't abandon him(cue Feferi abandoning him the monent she leaves quadrants with him, further exacerbating that fear lol)

meanwhile, on Feferi's end, it's too much to go into here but i think she has struggles with being present with others. so though i think she also deeply cares about Eridan and was absolutely miffed he was going to Karkat for things that she(being his moirail at the time) should have been talked to about, i think she has a lot of character development to go through before she can really pursue quadrants as something she needs and wants and not something she thinks she should do. i think flipping pale with Sollux could have been that catalyst but alas :' ] it seems Hussie changed his mind

So, personally, I do actually think Eridan's flushed feelings for Feferi are real... kind of. The fact that he has 0 self-awareness really makes talking about his feelings difficult because everything needs to be qualified with "this would change if he were capable of taking a step back."

The "kind of" here is because I don't think it's necessarily Feferi, the PERSON, that Eridan's in love with, but rather, the Feferi that exists in his head. To Eridan, Feferi is a bubbly, adorable, cheerful girl who's nice to everybody and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. He literally says that he thinks she might be too nice to have a pitch relationship with somebody, which is definitely not true, as Feferi can be plenty mean, and there's plenty to find flawed about her.

The first reason for this mistaken belief is that that's definitely the way that Feferi believes herself to be, so it's how she presents herself, and Eridan believes people when they tell him stuff. The second is because, in Eridan's shitty, friendless life, Feferi has been his one constant - the person who's always been there for him, the only person who's consistently nice to him (until he meets Karkat, and even then, Karkat is master of the mixed signals, and Eridan implies that death threats and insults are regular banter between them), and oftentimes the one person who cheers him up when he's at his lowest.

I think a lot of people in the fandom are too hard on Feferi - she's genuinely well-meaning, and most of her bad points come from ignorance and privilege, not manipulativeness or spite. She doesn't consciously realize it when she's treating Eridan poorly, and she makes real efforts to be a good moirail to him, even though he doesn't usually reciprocate those efforts. I think she suffers from the Umbridge Effect, where Eridan's problems - being on such the extreme end of trauma and anxiety - almost feel alien and unreal, while everyone knows a Feferi, so Feferi draws in some undue vitriol.

She has a few outbursts at him when he's egregiously rude for no reason, but given she's been dealing with his severe mental illness for so long, and takes his threats and casteism at least semi-seriously, I don't blame her for being exhausted and snapping from time to time. She's genuinely just not equipped to help him with his problems - lest we forget, she's also 13. Otherwise, everything else she does to harm him is something she just genuinely doesn't consciously realize is a problem, because she's got a hard time seeing past her privilege.

For example, using Eridan for feeding Gl'bgolyb without gratitude - the thing is, societally, it's his job, and HAS always been a violet's job. Not only that, but given his... everything, if she asked him if he's okay with doing it, he'd definitely insist that he is, and in fact, that it's HIS duty and HIS privilege. He also started INCREDIBLY young, so it's genuinely just been like this for their entire lives. It's a bit shitheaded for Feferi to not realize how much she benefitted from this arrangement, but, again, it's a crime of ignorance, not malice.

In a similar vein, I think she stayed in her moirallegiance for as long as she did partially because she got an ego boost out of it. She commiscerates with Kanaya over how burdensome he is, and she gets to say things like "we are not better than anybody," which she absolutely doesn't actually feel, given how she won't shut up about being a royal when talking to Jade. She's elated to break up with him, her narration celebrating with a big "you're FREE!!!" and it's not a coincidence that said break-up happens after Eridan's no longer useful to her - she outright states that he can't threaten their species anymore now that they're in the game and everyone else is dead.

BUT, I think she ALSO means it when she says that she stayed in that moirallegiance because she was genuinely worried for him. Both this statement and the above paragraph can be simultaneously true. There's nothing about Eridan that's actually that offensive to Feferi, and I really do think she means it when she says she wants to stay friends. His constant emotional crises have just left her burnt out in terms of sympathy, and she never really knew how to handle him in the first place, but in their first conversation together, she's still genuinely making an effort to get him to open up about his feelings and to cheer him up about his failed kismesistude.

After the breakup and his failed confession, the thing is, he does accept that rejection! ... Kind of. (Again with the kind ofs.)

He outright tells her he accepts that she doesn't like him like that... BUUUT, is trying to get her to go ashen with him and Sollux, instead. THIS is the "trying to keep her with him" angle you're talking about, IMO; I think his flushed feelings are genuine, even if they're aimed at this idealized version of Feferi moreso than the real deal. Without Feferi in the picture, I think Eridan and Sollux would have a completely lukewarm mutual dislike. The sheer lukewarmness is probably why Erisolsprite is so stable - they're completely mid for each other.

The realness of his flushed feelings for Feferi is, incidentally, part of why I think him and Roxy would work so well together - if this idealized version of Feferi (bubbly, adorabloodthirsty, pink, cute, cheerful, and kind) is his Type... well.

I also think he and Feferi would work pretty well as just normal friends; they might have fallen into that dynamic on their own if they'd met later on in life. In a hypothetical golden ending, I think they do fall into it once EriKar happens, since moirallegiances are stated to have a stabilizing effect on a troll's other relationships.

[corruptedfilessys]

DISCLAIMER

This is simply an awareness post!! If you still wanna support c0stiffen or whatnot, that's fine, and I'll try my best to respect that. I simply wanna share my experiences with them and a few of their friends.

If you're an adult, you can move over to a document that I have made that includes all important information WITH screenshots and evidence.

ADULTS ONLY

If you're a minor, this post is a quick run down of what's in the document without showing anything inappropriate.

Simply explained, c0stiffen and I exchanged NSFW art and conversations whilst they were an adult, and I was 16 (and then newly 17). These include art clearly depicting sexual acts with genitals that we both drew. The ones they drew and 2 of mine were specifically of their Giarven AU (in this AU, they're supposed to be adults!)

Due to the sensitivity of this subject, I can't show proof of this here. Everything is in the document for ADULTS.

This is not to point all the fingers at c0stiffen. I did a lot of dumb stuff throughout the situation too, I should have been more responsible. Not only have other ppl (mostly minors) seen my nsfw art, many went on to do the same. One even made a whole NSFW server full of minors (c0stiffen wasn't a part of it, I don't think there were any adults there.) I feel disgusted with myself, I wish I never did this to begin with. I can't help but despise myself. I should have just left at that moment and I'm sorry.

This is not a guilt trip, I'm afraid it'll come off as that, unfortunately.

What I can show is proof of them purposefully deleting these drawings, as currently, there's only one left. That one I believe they forgot to delete as it's isolated from every other art.

I should point out that I don't usually draw NSFW. Those pictured were some of my last ones, I made a few others around the same time and that was it. I drew 2 pieces of NSFW before this entire situation for myself only as I struggle with sexual trauma and I use it to cope. I never intended on making so many and I shouldn't have done that as a minor. Truth be told, it made me feel seen and special. Every piece got me so much attention and I didn't want it to end, it felt nice.

Something I can share as it's not sexually driven are situations where C0stiffen hurt me, knew they hurt me and still refused to apologise.

Situation 1

When I was still talking to c0stiffen, I remember them getting pretty carried away with their opinions on things. At that point it felt like it was their life goal to insult my comfort character. For context, my comfort character is Sada and over the months she just became more and more special to me, often being my only source of comfort. I won't delve into this too much, in short, I think she's misunderstood, she is extremely flawed but not evil.

C0stiffen made it pretty apparent that they hated her and never failed to remind me. In each of costiffen's AUs Arven canonically despised his mother, they even made up a lie how Sada ‘intentionally starved Arven’ and that it's confirmed to be canon. Many role plays we did of them generally stressed me out, but that's my fault for not speaking out. I inserted my version of Sada into one of heir AUs (Arven is a Prince, Sada is a queen, etc), they even made art of her

C0stiffen proceeded to mischaracterize her and make her into a bad mother again. Saying she's a bad mother for leaving her kids when literally the lore was she was about to be killed and had to flee, but I digress.

I approached c0stiffen about this as I was genuinely getting hurt, and I wanted to talk to them:

They were nice about it, I'm not saying they weren't. But not once did I get a single apology for them simply lying about her and freely hating her in front of me as if I'm not bothered by that. Also I genuinely believed my Sada was supposed to be the ‘canon’ version, I was never informed she wasn't, I don't know whether this is a lie or the truth. Take it with a grain of salt.

I'm not saying c0stiffen has to love or even like Sada, I don't care if they hate her, I wanted them to keep it to themselves and not share that hatred in spaces where I was and felt safe in. Those servers in particular were the ones I was most active in at that time. C0stiffen’s Sada and Turo are mostly based on their own parents from what they said, which is fine, but again, I don't wanna be around that.

It isn't overreacting if I'm simply stating my boundaries. And I think I deserve an apology for having my feelings ignored like this.

I'm gonna make a response to something c0stiffen said at one time. Apparently I was ‘angry’ when they said “Giacomo's mom > Sada”

Simply said, I wasn't angry, I was more hurt than angry and they have no right to shame me for that. I was simply hurt because of all the other things that were stacked onto it.

Maybe I was jealous, I just really wanted MY VERSION of Sada, who feels like an oc I had for years, to be loved like every other character. But just because of the stupid canon story, she can't. I tried so hard, I bent over backwards to get them to love at least my version of her. I'm sure if I gave the same exact story to a completely original oc instead, even them would be treated better than this.

I don't need c0 to like Sada, but I feel like they're blinded by the canon to just notice mine is different. They hate Sada so much they can't put that hate away for even an AU version that helped their friend feel loved and safe and that's what hurts so much. They treat her like the canon one and they treat that one like shit already. They need to accept the fact that they can't just dump on someone's comfort character and expect the person to not be upset. No matter how much I'll hate a character I won't make up petty lies about them to make them appear worse especially in front of someone who really likes said character, even worse if said person relates to the character. It's gonna make them feel incredibly shitty about themselves.

Apologies for the heated section.

Situation 2

During the end of July me and a friend got into a petty fight about a headcanon and I ended up leaving the server we were in to cool off. I have problems with my emotions and it's impossible to regulate them sometimes, I feel them physically, whenever I'm upset I feel genuine pain and I can't calm down. To deal with this I learned a flight strategy of just fleeing the situation to calm down and fixing stuff when I'm more grounded. I was hoping people understood that, even if they wouldn't, I was perfectly fine explaining it once I was feeling better.

The next day when I felt better, I planned on apologizing and explaining why I acted the way I did.

Long story short, multiple people cut contact with me, many people I trusted and called friends, no one wanted to hear my side of the story, everyone heard out Paltic (now former friend) who spread false rumors around me and screenshots that were taken out of context. Such as that I was a creep for sending NSFW to minors as if others weren't doing the exact same thing and I in particular was being influenced by an adult. Paltic is C0stiffen’s friend. I was struggling a lot mentally and even had a failed suicide attempt, I was easily irritated and exploded at people a lot.

When Paltic posted a “call out” post on me that was filled with what I said, things when taken out of context make me look like a bad person, etc. He called me awful for things his friends did too, but didn't call them out on it. He filled my partner with lies and that made them leave me, thinking I was a bad person. C0stiffen still failed to see how Paltic could be bad for doing this.

I made a response, which was pretty heated, I made an updated one later on. But that day C0stiffen dmed me that I should ‘stop’. That I was stressing them and everyone out, telling me that “they thought they were my friend” telling me how badly this is affecting them mentally as if I wasn't the one struggling the most in this situation. I was losing people I felt like I couldn't live without, there was a post about me that could potentially ruin my life when I did nothing wrong. I apologized for anything I genuinely did wrong.

I need to add something onto this

C0stiffen/Paltic like to use this moment to say I was comparing our traumas/using traumas against them, I wasn't doing that and in fact it was never on my mind to begin with. I brought up something that happened to them a while ago hoping it would help them see how I was feeling as the situations were similar. I wasn't thinking clearly at that time, but that's no excuse and I shouldn't have done that.

I apologized to them multiple times, at first I didn't want to as that's something they never did to me, but I wanted to do the right thing.

I wanna point out, I'm in no way saying I'm the greatest friend or person. I'm far from that, I am flawed, I do bad stuff, I hurt people (unintentionally). I have a lot of things to work on as someone whose mental health problems impact everything in their life such as behavior.

But I'm not a bad person, never did I truly had horrible intentions and wanted to hurt somebody just for the sake of simply hurting somebody. I explode, I say things I'm not proud of when I'm provoked, but nothing of those I would actually say if I was just given the chance to calm down and deal with it calmly.

It's hard to have a friend like me simply because of how much care I need, and I'm sorry for that. I'm never gonna force someone to be my friend, but I want to end on good terms. I don't see the point in treating a mentally ill person like a bad person simply because they happen to be ill and for no better reason otherwise. There's better ways to go about this than make the person feel like worthless trash. I wanna be told if I do something bad, I'm so used to my symptoms that there's times when I genuinely don't notice that I could be doing something wrong. I wanna take accountability for my own mental illness, but I'm not being given a chance to do that calmly. I am forced to admit I'm a bad person whilst everyone else are angels even though they're far from being innocent.

I don't wanna be treated like a bad person simply for experiencing symptoms I can't control or being influenced by a third party. As friends I hoped they would help me grow and deal with these things.

If they don't wanna do that, they should have calmly ended the friendship, not that they spread false rumors of me, make people hate me, and then treat me like I don't exist as if that's not gonna make me feel like I don't deserve to be fucking alive.

Conclusion

I wholeheartedly believe c0stiffen or their friends are gonna contact me in their defence. To that, I say, get the hell away from me. You aren't innocent, stop acting like it and take the fucking fault for once. I didn't start any of this.

My DMs are closed to trusted friends only for my safety. Please respect that.

[solizen]

DNI: MINORS, proship, radqueer/transid, shedtwt, terfs

I follow from @aquarichor ! <- That blog is SFW and I have moots/oomfs who are minors over there, just a fair warning!

Please do not interact with this (solizen) blog if you are a minor, I will block you.

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Now Playing: Spiracle - Flower Face

"I want you, butterfly, I want you sailor. I am your lover and I am your jailor."

2:19 ──────ㅇ── 2:59

Volume: ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ MAX

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Hello!! My name is Zenith Petrichor, also known as Zen. I'm agender and my pronouns are zey/zem/zeirs and ve/vem/vys, if those don't work for you, then use he/him/it/its! My MC (who I will usually refer to in the first person, since that's literally me) is also agender, but only uses he/it. You can still use neos for him, but I will usually refer to it as he/it. Also, please do not use they/them to refer to me or my MC! ^^

I am 18, fictorose, aroace, and a yumeshipper! I do ship with Solivan and am nonsharing, however, I am fully aware that he is literally from a visual novel that is centered around him. I can't really be mad or picky LMAO. If someone makes me really uncomfy then I'll block, but like, I actually want TKatB friends and want to share my art and love for this game, so idrc. </3 I'm not gonna harass anyone for anything and I'd appreciate if I didn't get harassed in turn. <3 I yumeship to cope w trauma please respect that xoxo kisses hugs

Otheeeer stuff: I am diagnosed with AuDHD, OCD-C, and CPTSD. I am emetophobic and germophobic. Horror wise, funnily enough, I'm quite sensitive to gore and people in agony, however! I find body horror really cool. Like weirdcore type shit. And analog horror. heh.

Anyway I'm soooo normal about Sol like so normal I need to walk him like a fucking dog oh my god.

I write and draw stuff ,, working on tkatb related things for both rn and will most likely post it on this blog. Holds up platter to u with my fic and my art,,,,, do u like the food I made. :3

please dont yell at me i will cry. also sol is yan/stalker (in practice) and i am yan/stalker (in theory). if that makes sense. heh. cat smirk emoji 😼. also as gen z i will be projecting that onto sol, so he talks like a gen z-er. idk i just think itd be funny if he said "chat is this rizz" and he's breaking your window lock and giving you roofied orange juice.

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FEATURED TAGS:

#•∘₊✧ harvest moon ✧₊∘ - reblogs

#•∘₊✧ spiracle ✧₊∘ - solizen/selfship stuff

#•∘₊✧ october birds ✧₊∘ - shitposting/random thoughts

#•∘₊✧ paper doll ✧₊∘ - askbox/answers

#•∘₊✧ cornflower blue ✧₊∘ - writing/drabbles

#•∘₊✧ kaleidoscope ✧₊∘ - artwork

#•∘₊✧ back to you ✧₊∘ - ventposting, heart emoji 🥀🥀 (will probably rarely use this)

Everything except harvest moon are all songs from Flower Face's album: The Shark in Your Water. A lot of her music is Sol coded, esp Back to You. I highly recommend her music auhghgh she's so good.

Harvest moon is a pun that is in reference to the game because I heart the game but also because 'Sol' means 'Sun' and Sol calls us his pumpkin... there's some irony in there somewhere LMAO something about him not matching his name and being more moon than sun... harvest moon....

Solizen header was made by me :D Sol pixel art is the original pixel art from the game, aka the artist is @/fantasia-kitt herself, and I made the Zen one :D I originally made it for that one relationships chart thingy and then I thought it'd be cute as a header :3

my MC masterpost will probably get lost, so here's a direct link to the post if you dont wanna go looking for it!!!

one more thing,,,, i dont condone the type of person solivan is. im aware he is a fucking freak /neg and is awful to hell and back. his charm just worked REALLY well on me, but he gets karma in the form of i knew what he was doing the entire time and just let him for my own validation. that being said, i already have trauma regarding SA, and this helps me cope, i am aware this can be seen as unhealthy depending on how i do it, but i know what im doing and im safe and sane. ive projected a lot of intrusive thoughts onto my MC and while my MC is redeemable, he is not a good person by any means. this reflects on the said "karma." i really love the writing, art style, and character/world building of this game and find the story very interesting. im not here just because "hehe sol... hehe..." he is not a green flag, he is (crowe's) blood red flag and i am fully aware of that. thank yew :3 im just whimsical and silly. i gave sol some whimsy and silliness because i think that personally adds to his charm to woo the MC. TKatB is a horror visual novel, not a romance visual novel 🎀

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[gaykarstaagforever]

Kindred: The Embraced, Episode 7 (I think?; some stations played them out of order.)

This is the penultimate episode of this stupid show (in most markets). And to its credit, it's one of the better ones? It's still bad, but it doesn't shit all over the lore of the game it's adapting AS MUCH as most of these, so, we take what we can get. And it doesn't feel like it was written by an illiterate child, a rarity on this show.

That said, OMG, the mid-90s sexism, here. It's only more hilarious to me than offensive because I'm not a woman. But even I was getting pretty mad by the end.

Watch the episode before you read the rest of this. I'm not explaining the context of any of this, and I WILL BE DOING SPOILERS, because this show is free, and I am already acutely aware of how much of my own time I'm wasting talking about this terrible stupid show.

Goth did nothing wrong. He's a Nosferatu who hates the fact that his vampire clan has to hide in basements and sewers, doing gopher work for the Ventrue, when they could use Blood Magic to rule the clans, and also the world. I realize the show thinks this makes him the bad guy. But in a world where vampires are real and can use magic to become powerful monster-people...why not do that? It's goofy to expect they wouldn't. I realize the Masquerade fundamentally underpins the entire World of Darkness universe, and the reason for that is that exposing gothic monsters to a humankind that has guns and bombs will lead to endless war. But also, vampires are cool immortal zombie monsters who don't seem to suffer from being that too much, and I'm a sad emo fat man, so I'm kinda down for them taking over. Especially in the shitty universe of this bad show. Goth's argument that convinces most of the Nosferatu to join him is that Luna sucks ass as Prince of San Francisco. And he DOES - we've had entire episodes specifically about that. Like, even in this hack off-lore WoD universe, Julian Luna is a shitty Prince and everyone hates him and is constantly trying to kill / overthrow him. Daedalus loves the guy, for zero rational reason, so his counter-arguement to what Goth says is literally "everyone is right to hate our clan for being ugly and doing actual vampire stuff, just shut up and agree and join me in helping the Pretty People treat us like dogshit." Understandably, it goes over like a lead balloon, even with him being Primogen. I mean, yeah. Goth is absolutely right. Why are you submitting to this, when you don't have to? And it's not like powerful Nosferatu couldn't still maintain the Masquerade, even if they were in charge and letting vampires have fun. You can totally still do that. You can also say "fuck it" and take over the world, if you're using magic to become super powerful, which is the plan. So either way, Vote Goth 2025.

Goth's plan revolves around him kidnapping a baby, in broad daylight, to use for his vampire Blood Magic ritual. The mother of this baby is supposed to be a 17 yo single mother. And before you ask, yes, the show is NOT okay with her being that. Like, to a fucking inappropriate degree. Also she is played by an actress who was 23 at the time, and absolutely looks like it:

Does it matter how this 17 yo got pregnant? Does it matter why the father isn't with her? Does it matter that she chose not to get an abortion? No. No, it absolutely does not. But this show from 1996 SUPER thinks it does, and makes Caitlin interrogate her about all the details of this. And then inappropriately share her own related sexual trauma with this woman who just got her baby kidnapped by a monster-man, while Frank the Cop is also angrily accusing her of killing her baby and making up a story about monsters. Nice work, everyone.

Oh, Frank very quickly decides he believes her, when he remembers he's supposed to know what vampires are. He has to be reminded every episode. Because this show sucks.

They decided with this episode of their shitty vampire show to get into how young women having babies out of wedlock is a thing. They really should not have. This is already a show that only has three regular women characters, and all of them spend every second of screen time being sad about how they don't get enough dick. It is revealed, kind of out of nowhere, that the reason Caitlin hasn't had sex with Julian yet is because she got pregnant herself at 17 and gave the baby up, and so is now afraid of doing sex. Which, fine, is a thing someone can be and do. But not here. Not like this. This show uses her celibacy as a fetish, because she's hot and blonde and it's the 90s, so getting this woman naked when she doesn't want to be is all every bit of character development about her is aiming at. And they can't hold it in anymore with this episode, because they have her finally give in to Julian. SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE she just had an adventure involving a baby, and I guess that automatically makes women so sad and horny they have to ignore their trauma and do sex with men? Like I said, this show is awful. It really, really is.

It gets worse. Goth's assistant is a lady Nosferatu named Camilla. She's totally down with murdering that baby to do a Blood Ritual, until Caitlin confronts her about it. Then Camilla says that being a Nosferatu sucks because vampires can't make babies, and that before she was a vampire she had 8 kids and misses being a "fertile" mother, because Jesus Fucking Christ, men who wrote this show. At which point she suddenly decides she CAN'T kill this baby, Caitlin can rescue it, whatever, the Nosferatu can get powerful another way. ...Even though they can't, that's WHY YOU WERE DOING THE BABY THING IN THE FIRST PLACE, STUPID.

The new plan is to do the Blood Magic ritual with Julian instead of the baby. Which won't work, and Goth freaks out about it and attacks him. And Julian kills him with an axe, because Daedalus let Julian drink some of his blood, which gives Julian temporary Nosferatu Katate Fighting action? Look. It doesn't matter. The show doesn't care, and neither should you. The episode ends with Julian fucking Caitlin because she's horny about babies. We've got bigger problems here than the bad WoD lore.

Sasha and Cash are in this for 5 minutes, and suck, as usual. Cash is tasked by Julian to rescue the baby, fails as usual, but tells Julian that Goth has errected a big ritual stone circle to sacrifice the baby, out in the open in a public park. Julian tells him he did a good job. He isn't being sarcastic, and I have no idea how. Cash then confronts Sasha in The Haven, where she's hanging out with Brujah. He tells her that unless she agrees to date him again, he will be forced, as a Gangrel, to hate her racially for being a Brujah. Which is shit enough, but let's remember here that she only got turned into a Brujah vampire in the first place after Cash failed to protect her from getting abducted and SA'd by them, VERY SPECIFICALLY because they were out to humiliate Cash by SA'ing and turning his human girlfriend. So goddamn class-act all around, Cash, you godforsaken pants' load. But that scene in The Haven ends with Cash telling Sasha Goth will probably kill him, so she admits that she still loves him. Which...the fuck? And also, no, Goth isn't going to kill Cash, because Cash doesn't do shit, fails at everything, and Julian uses Caitlin to crash the ritual and kill Goth himself. Oh my god.

Lillie hates Caitlin because Julian is in love with Caitlin and not Lillie. So Lillie befriends Caitlin, drugs her with "you have to follow my orders now" serum (a thing they suddenly have), and tells her exactly where to find Camilla and the baby, in the hope that Camilla and Goth will murder this human woman. And it fails, as Lillie's plans always do. But this means Lillie knew where Goth and Camilla were, with the baby, this whole time, while Julian and Cash are desperate to locate and stop them. Goth got exiled by Julian for being a jackass, and Camilla is well-known to hate Julian and be on Goth's side. So, ONCE AGAIN, Lillie, who supposedly loves Julian so much she will kill to keep him, is in a constant state of siding with people who are actively trying to kill or overthrow him. Because the Nosferatu totally would have become Super Vampires who hate Julian if they had done the baby ritual, and they only didn't pull it off because Lillie sent Caitlin to Camilla, based on her plan that failed. And I think Julian knew she was going to do this the whole time...? Somehow? Maybe? And let it happen? Without knowing how it would go...?

Oh, and Camilla explains vampires to Caitlin, who doesn't even seem shocked, even though she isn't supposed to know what vampires are, even though she keeps making out with one. So I have no idea what is happening here. Or why it matters. Sure, yet another Masquerade violation. But if the Nosferatu are kidnapping babies from parks in broad daylight, and also setting up ritual stone circles in those same parks that are visible to everyone in broad daylight, I guess none of this matters. Ever.

Daedalus waxes philosophic about how the NEW Nosferatu are classy and well-behaved and pro-Masquerade, that they've given up being aggressive and doing Blood Magic rituals. And his implication is that this is because they were superstitious and uncivilized monster-people before the other clans got them to settle down and play nice. ...Except the Blood Ritual Goth wants to do will 100% work - that's why they're all afraid of it. And the Nosferatu totally do have cool badass vampire fighting powers that are better than anyone else's, which is why Daedalus lets Julian drink his blood to gain them temporarily. So...why did the Nosferatu ever submit in the first place? They legitimately are more powerful than the other clans. Their magic is real. Why would they have ever given that up? Why did Daedalus? They weren't confused monsters - they were cool, powerful vampires, who could easily kill everyone and hold power forever! It makes no sense that they would ever give that up. All this show had to do was suggest that MAYBE the baby Blood Ritual wouldn't work as advertised. That would clear this up. But they wanted the stakes to be high, so they didn't do that. And made Daedalus and the Nosferatu look like idiots.

And they are. Everyone is. Anyone and everyone connected to any part of this show in any way is a big stupid dumb idiot. This show sucks.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #501 (Part 2)

So... I went into the dinner expecting some kind of fight. A guilt trip, perhaps. Maybe some passive-aggressive jabs. Gaslighting, toxic positivity, and other forms of accountability-dodging. General hostility. Refusing to communicate boundaries, and then holding those unspoken rules against me later. Y'know, kinda like what I get at J's parents' house on a pretty much constant fucking basis whenever I have the misfortune and displeasure of being there.

...I didn't find that here.

Actually, Je and I started off with discussing the mechanics of human interactions and how generational trauma plays a role in those kinds of dynamics. And I discovered that when Je is sober, he seems to be a thoughtful, sensitive, and highly intelligent individual. This doesn't surprise me; being addicted to something isn't a predictor of someone's level of intelligence. Rather, I was really happy to be able to bear witness to this side of him, as it was allowed to come out, due to it not being dampened by the presence of alcohol.

...It's still not acceptable that he drank and drove, though.

Eventually, we got to talking about how I know some of the stuff I know about those mechanics; we got a little into my own upbringing and the abuse that went with it. And the expression on his face as it clicked for him why I got so scared in response to him being drunk was... certainly something. I apologized for the harshness of my tone when I said we weren't getting in his car; even when I'm very angry, I want to be able to modulate my tone such that I don't speak in ways that scare people (unless they're being violent at us). And he stopped me there; I think he didn't want to talk about it in front of his parents, Mg and her husband. He said he'd talk to me a bit about it later. And, with that boundary set, I obliged; I respect boundaries when they are specified. I'm not good at anticipating them when I'm left to guess at what they are.

So we ate. And we got all sorts of yummies! Here:

...As promised, after Mg and her husband left, Je stayed behind to talk to us. We talked about what happened on the night he was supposed to pick us up, and... he actually like... apologized. For being drunk. And he said he understood, given my background, why I got so scared in response to being in the presence of a drunk person I didn't know very well. He did admit to getting judgmental and defensive at me at first (it happens), but he was able, I guess, to dial back that response.

He was also afraid that I was gonna hate him and judge him forever and ever, and... I guess that makes sense; according to his words, J's parents painted a VERY different picture for him of who I am as a person (and definitely not a positive one; their animosity and hostility towards me which had been suspected for a long time has been confirmed, to the surprise of... literally no one here, I'm sure). Then he promised us that it won't happen again, at least with us. I wish he wouldn't do it at all, though. I can revile a thing that someone does without hating who they are as a human being.

...Humans are complicated. And he told me a little bit about his upbringing, and a few more small odds and ends. At this point, I am absolutely certain that he is self-medicating for things that he can't really afford at this point in time to get help for. I wish that stuff like therapy wasn't so hopelessly out of reach for so many, many people where I live.

All the same... Integrity. Self-awareness. Owning up to one's own shit, apologizing, and then working on one's behavior. These are things I can respect. These are things I understand. Direct communication and being able to talk about difficult subjects without flinching and without euphemizing things or leaving shit to implication are major green flags, as far as I'm concerned. Speaking truth, even when that truth is unpleasant, is a major green flag.

...Let me make it clear that none of this excuses or justifies his drunk driving. None of this makes me any less angry that he did that thing. But getting to have a frank and open discussion with him about what occurred, along with his promise that he'd do better next time, has enabled me to offer some grace and to allow me to feel the anger without it consuming me, as well as to set boundaries accordingly. We ended the discussion on good terms. Overall, he's a delightful human being, and I'm really glad we got this chance to talk.

...All human beings are delightful, underneath the layers of pain and shitty coping skills they carry. Even J's parents, I'm sure, are delightful people under their hatred of me. I wish I could do something to help them. But... I'm not someone they'll listen to. It'd be a lot easier if they were willing to set boundaries with me, communicate their needs, or otherwise be direct about what they're thinking and feeling, but... they don't. And this leaves me unable to adjust properly to them. I can't meet them halfway if they refuse to extend their hands.

...Nonetheless, I'll be here waiting for them if they ever change their minds. As unlikely a scenario as that is. I get really angry at stuff and loud in response to that anger sometimes, but... at the end of the day, the grace that I carry doesn't stop at just you for all the stupid and inexcusable shit you've pulled during the course of your life. It's for everyone, including you.

Anyone can stop being a jackass and cease engaging in dumbassery at anytime and turn around (I like to think I'm proof; no one is immune from being a jackass or engaging in dumbassery). Give it a try sometime, preferably around people who aren't toxic as fuck. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

I'll leave you a few more pictures; this was the scenery as we drove back home:

...I can see why Daniel loved this place so much.

Anyhoot, I'm gonna try to get some sleep. J got us plane tickets directly to home; he is too tired and homesick to continue this trip further; he's gonna need a week or four to recoup. We'll leave the plane where it's at for now, and then decide what to do with it once J is... less frazzled and exhausted. It's been a really hard month or so for him.

...Up in... shit... like 5 hours. Less, actually. Whoof. Well... I'll probably end up just catching some Zs on the plane back; it'll be a big plane, so... it'll be only 9 hours of flight, and then we'll be home in New York. It'll be good.

I love you so much. Please keep watching over us, won't you? And please... please pay attention to all the times my expectations of how things will go are defied – often for the better. Please pay attention to all the times I'm proven wrong, for the better. The interaction with Je was really refreshing, and I hope to be able to get to know him more as a human being. You can have refreshing interactions with others, too, I promise.

Stay safe out there, Sephiroth. Keep learning and growing and finding the magic in small things. Please keep practicing not being a jackass, and not doing dumbass shit; goodness knows I need more practice with both of those things, too, so let's keep practicing together, okay?

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lemonavocado]

i have something to say!!! about the differences between victor and elizabeth in the way they experience/express emotion, and what that means for the themes of gender in the novel

i briefly begun (began??) to talk about this in the tags of this post by the magnificent @frankingsteinery (i wanted to add this on to the original post but this ended up being kinda long) and i would like to clarify and expand upon what was said because i theorized a bunch of stuff unsubstantiated like an idiot 😭 raving under the cut

for context here are the tags that inspired my thoughts:

i left my little analysis in the tags because i was really just spitballing on the spot and when i do that i'm usually wrong 😭 but i'd actually find it fun to substantiate some of what i said w evidence from the text

to expand on my ramblings and robin's own additions in their reblog (with brilliant quotes that i did not even consider to search for because i am quite stupid). when i try to explain exactly how elizabeth and victor have differed in their approach to an early parentification role (elizabeth moreso in being groomed to emulate her mother in role and spirit, forced to remain domestic, unworldly, and unable to even entertain self-actualization, since the moment caroline dies she is the eldest female figure in the immediate family and must assume that role of maturity) (victor moreso in the fact that he literally. made a guy when he was like 20), i find this quote from alphonse quite telling:

"...but is it not a duty to the survivors that we should refrain from augmenting their unhappiness by an appearance or immoderate grief? Excessive sorrow prevents improvement or enjoyment, or even the discharge of daily usefulness, without which no man is fit for society."

victor immediately dismisses this advice as being:

"...totally inapplicable to my case; I should have been the first to hide my grief and console my friends, if remorse had not mingeled its bitterness, and terror its alarm, with my other sensations."

he acklowledges what is expected of him from society at large and actively claims himself incapable of it. he is not the reliable figure his family so desperately hoped could be upheld before they came to realize that he is really, irrevocably capricious and mentally unstable.

on the subject of the other quotes added, i think that in them we can see this shift in the family's perception of victor: they begin by expecting him to assume his prescribed role as the family's eldest man (besides alphonse cause he's old and useless) and caregiver, to be a stable and unshakeable foundation on which the family can always rely, but as victor remains on the trauma conga line and spirals into worsening mental health, the happiness of the family is reliant on victor's rapidly fluctuating states of health.

"Come, my dearest Victor; you alone can console Elizabeth..." (side note that after this quote he immediately starts taking about caroline, a bit of a freudian slip on alphonse's part in that he conflates caroline's very existence with a comforting and reliable disposition, and elizabeth is explicitly asked to 'take over' for caroline when she dies)

at the time alphonse writes this, henry (<3) has been purposefully concealing the extent of the "nervous fever" victor has suffered; alphonse is not aware of the trauma his son has undergone and how it has changed him, and so he automatically assumes that victor, upon returning home, now older and more educated, will embrace these expectations.

"'We all... depend on you, and if you are miserable, what must be our feelings?'"

at this point of the novel, however, elizabeth knows how mentally unstable victor is, and is begging him to come back happier than he left. everyone in the family at this point is so conscious and aware of victor's poor health, and thus his explosive and outwardly demonstrative emotions affect the family very deeply. in short their dependency on him shifts from perceiving him as a source of stability to perceiving him as a source of instability.

back to my original comparison!! jesus this is all over the place thank god i'm not an academic.

to reference alphonse's first quote that i referred to. it seems to me that elizabeth, unlike vic, takes alphonse's advice in stride. contrast victor's response to alphonse's quote with this description of elizabeth:

"She indeed veiled her grief, and strove to act the comforter to us all. She looked steadily on life, and assumed it's duities with courage and zeal."

indeed, she demonstrates this; victor often describes her as handling her grief in silence (literal silence, but ykwim):

"...a thousand conflicting emotions rendered her mute, and she bade me a tearful, silent farewell."

"...I turned to contemplate the deep and voiceless grief of my Elizabeth."

in fact, the only time she comes close to being as expressive as victor is when she blames herself for the death of william, and in part her extreme reaction stems from the fact that she percives herself as having failed the duty that her mother bestowed upon her - it is unmotherly to allow such a thing to occur under her watchful, feminine eye.

even in childhood they had a very stark difference in temperament, elizabeth's more traditionally and overtly masculine:

"Elizabeth was of a calmer and more concentrated disposition, but, with all my ardor, I was capable of a more intense application..."

and, especially for a female character, she defies the will of her father several times:

"At first I attempted to prevent her, but she persisted, and entering the room where it lay..."

"Soon after we heard that the poor victim had expressed a desire to see my cousin. My father wished her not to go..."

all this considered, i don't think it's much of a stretch to say that while it should be vic's role, elizabeth is the "man of the house" (a sexist idea in its own right, but im communicating this in terms i think mary shelley might have intended).

tldr i just think this is such a fascinating exploration of family dynamics in frankenstein, and a brilliant portrayal of two opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to people dealing with the undue parental and familial responsibilities they are made to uphold in youth. the lack of academic attention these themes have attracted is absolutely bonkers to me. anyway elizabeth the girlboss and victor the malewife <3

[justa-smalltown-gargoyle]

Hey batman/batfam people, I wanted to talk about something. I know this might not be received well, but...this is my blog. So if you disagree with me, feel free to block me! Literally that's what's great about this site. (I've been trying to do so on my end, but I thought I'd reach out a bit.....idk maybe try to form some understanding?)

I have been a batman fan since like...age 13 or something. Batman as a character means so fucking much to me, as does all his kids and massive extended family. (can't forget Alfred, Kate, Lucius, and Jeff Gordon!!) And I know that they mean a lot to you guys too.

In comic book and fandom spaces we talk a lot about misrepresentation of characters in fandom, but even in "canon" or rather published/produced content. I have beef with a lot of live action adaptions of Batman for example.

The thing with comic book characters, even more than some fandoms/pieces of media, is that there is SO MUCH content out there, that two people can say they like this one character but those two versions might be in total contradiction. But does that make one right over the other? does that make one superior?

Now, I hate Ben Affleck's Batman. And to fans of his, I'd say, you want the punisher, not Batman, because to me, that goes against who Batman is fundamentally. I read the comics, watch a lot of the animated stuff, and formed my own opinion and version of Batman. However, and this seems to be a controversial take, i really enjoy Wayne Family Adventures.

I see a lot of hate on here for WFA (and on tiktok but they're another beast), which, it's not for everyone, that's okay! Not everyone has to like what I like. But what I don't agree with, is that people who like WFA are seen as "not true batman fans", "they haven't ever read a comic". "they only like the flat fanon versions of the characters", etc.

These comments I would like to rebut- some comic readers such as myself might enjoy WFA. There might be people that have never read a comic or even watched anything batman related but like WFA. Are they not valid to enjoy that and have their own fandom for that? Are they not allowed to be fans of Batman?

I also would ask, how much of WFA did you actually read? In it's nature, it's suppose to be the bat family on their time off, or more light stories, but it actually addresses things like Jason's trauma, Duke moving in to the Manor, Damian struggling to fit in at school, things like that. Now if you read pretty far and still didn't like the portrayal of the characters, that's fine, I'm not asking you to change your opinion, however I am asking you to make space for those who do enjoy it, or that WFA is their first introduction or only experience with the Batman and co.

WFA isn't perfect, but it holds a special place in my heart, and gives me more content for Not Perfect but Trying and Cares Dad Bruce Wayne which I am grateful for. And tbh I feel like it just shows other sides to the characters we don't see that often!

And again, obvi people have their opinions, I guess I'm just asking for us to be more aware and create a space where people can feel free and excited to talk about these characters that we all love. I enjoy content and discussions I see in the tags and different blogs but then I see the hate for WFA fans and it just puts a real damper on otherwise really good content.

Anyways, thanks for reading!

[altschmerzes]

hey saw ur comment on the man city fix it fic ab Jamie’s fathers death & was wondering what u disliked ab the Jamie’s mum and Simon part? not judging or anything im just curious!!

yeaaaaaaah so! from what ive seen at least this is a not particularly common opinion which is fine, im aware i have some particular biases and priorities and whatnot in this area, but it just… i didnt like that stuff at all. it really put me off actually, for a couple reasons. i'll get into why, but i know a lot of people like Really Loved that stuff and especially his mom - and it also gets a little down on season 3 and the writing team as a whole at some points lmao - so i'll put it under a cut.

(this got. very long. im so sorry.)

it basically boils down to a couple things: 1. what they presented us with doesn't hold water if poked literally at all in any direction, 2. it made me feel a little uncomfortable given the way everything else in jamie's arc played out, and 3. if they were going to do something like this, they needed WAY more time and narrative space to execute it well in general and specifically for ME to execute it in a way that didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.

there are a few things that i generally dread when you have a character who's presented to have some serious trauma related to their family and specifically to an abusive parent, and one of those things is the sudden inclusion of another parent in there who is just. everything is totally fine and normal and happy and not at all complicated with them! it always makes me feel weird and bad when that happens, especially when there is no explanation provided for how that like. fits in with the abuse we know they experienced as well. that is a matter of personal preference, and i can own that. i just don't like it, and it makes me feel weird and uneasy. and that's part of it here, but what's also part of it is that i think that - my personal feelings about this type of character choice overall aside - they did not execute it well given the story they'd already presented us with, the way they used these new characters, and how much time they spent on it.

the image they presented of jamie's mom and stepdad is like… very simple and positive and shiny and uncomplicated. it's just good. they just love and support him and are a positive and affectionate active presence. and that might seem like an unfair characterization of it because we saw very little and we know very little of what their relationship is actually like - we don't know what might be complicated, what might be messy, how often they talk, etc - but that’s honestly part of my issue here. we were given a sliver of a glimpse into jamie's mom and his relationship with her and his stepdad when jamie as a character is someone who is hugely defined by his family history and the baggage and trauma and danger associated with it. if they were going to do this, they needed to spend way more time on it. they needed to introduce her earlier, do something to make it jive with what we were already presented about her: some vague mentions, half of which were in past tense, and all of which seemed to imply very strongly that if she were alive (which there was a lot of confusion about!) then they were likely to some degree estranged, because it seemed pretty clear with the 'i don't know if she would be [proud] lately' bit that he literally did not know what she thought of him in recent years. and like. it seems like i'm nitpicking, but again, this is a character who has been so strongly based in and defined by his family and the like. past and current danger and trauma associated with it.

especially given how little time or attention was given to everything else with his family, it was just way too late in the game to introduce these characters and be able to do them and their relationship with the existing characters justice. like you’ve already got a complicated story you’re skipping most of and not giving its due do you really need to add more really complicated stuff in there. and then just go actually it's not complicated don't worry about it :) like. that just doesn't work for me.

so that's where i'm at like, not only do i inherently dislike this sort of element introduced with this type of character, which is a me problem, i also think the story they presented in that episode with his mom and simon just flat out didn't make sense and they did not have the time to make it make sense even if they'd tried, which they didn't. like... if things are just fine and normal and easy with them and she’s just great and loving and supportive it’s like i. So What Happened, Then.

it makes his entire arc make less sense. if she's just Been Here what happened? why did he need to be reminded that not EVERYONE in his life was out to get him? why did keeley have to tell him to stop battling everyone that was just trying to help him? why is he so isolated and adrift at the beginning of season two? why did she never attend a single match? why did we never see him text or call or mention her in a contemporary way? like there COULD be answers to those things that make sense with what they presented, but we didn't get any of those answers and those are big questions to me given they comprise like... all of jamie's character arc lmao. at the end of the day, throwing in the stuff with his mom feels... really disrespectful to the story they wrote with him (that they already fell down on the job with) to just throw that in there with no consideration or attention paid to how it fits with or impacts anything already established.

i truly don't think that every question needs to be answered in a story. i am not saying that. i'm not saying someone needed to turn to the audience and go here's the logistic details of exactly how and when everything that happened with jamie and his parents happened. but there are some serious issues with like, telling a coherent story, and utilizing the extremely limited narrative space that a secondary character in an ensemble show can be afforded. (especially when in season three it really felt like they were already racing through characters and plot lines and backstory stuff like the goal was to just drop info just to Have It and then never address or do anything with it at all.) why did they do that, is what i keep going back to. you're telling a story with very limited space and a lot of characters. so what was the reason for that stuff to be there? so that someone could lay the 'yea he was a dick but he made you into this person! you're so strong now!' foundation for ted telling jamie to forgive his dad and 'disappointed teacher face' him into saying 'thank you' after the 'fuck you'? or was it just fanservice that you didn't think needed to fit with the rest of the story narratively or thematically? because that's where i keep going back to as well.

it just... and this is the bitchier, more spiteful part of me saying this, the part that was PROFOUNDLY let down by the way they handled the aspects of jamie's arc to do with his family and with the abuse he suffered, but it feels like an attempt to use happy sparkly fanservice-y funny and feel-good scenes with his adorable mom and sweet stepdad to like. pull way back on the rest of his whole situation with his family like see no he’s fine! isn’t it great how funny and adorable his mom is! isnt his stepdad fun! everything is fine actually things with his dad are just ~complicated because james drinks :) (and then all he needs to do about that is grow up and forgive, he's just a melodramatic mama's boy, the pain is his fault and he'll be fine once he Forgives, and rehab fixes everything). i don't have some kind of conspiracy that this was their actual reasoning but that's how it hit to me - whoops we don't actually want to deal with the abuse so we're gonna sweep it way under the couch and look! see! here's his cute fun mom isn't she great! (He's Fine Don't Worry About It, His Family Is Actually Sooooo Supportive!)

but yeah that's the bitchy and unfair part of me so. that's not really my main point.

(i also gotta say everything about that sequence with jamie and company at his mom's house feels like... tissue paper thin and very fucking weird from both a narrative and a logistical point of view. the stuff with the actual people of his mom and stepdad aside, what the hell was up with his room? what was that poster of keeley doing there. when did that go up. how old was he when he put it there. yeah she's older than him by a fair bit but not THAT much older. and if he was putting it up as like, a teenager or something, why is the rest of that room decorated for a seven year old. parents preserve their kids rooms like shrines this is true but the idea of a like, jamie in his mid/late teens or whatever putting that poster of keeley up but also sleeping in a little kid's bed still is like... did you think about this at all. it really does not seem like you did. At All. it just goes to my spiteful fringe theory about that whole sequence which is “oh this is pure 100% gratuitous backpatting fanservice that nobody actually thought about in any real way whatsoever”)

sorry this got so long but i have a lot of thoughts on this and they get kicked up every time i see posts gushing about how much people loved georgie or those scenes or whatnot like everyone is of course entitled to their opinion and i don't hold it against anyone! but that stuff hit way different for me and just added insult to injury in an episode that generally seemed to handle jamie and his situation in a way i found cringeworthy and weird at best and offensive and victim blaming at worst.

[sendpseuds]

20 Questions for Fic Writers [DRUNK EDITION]

Okay so…

I was tagged by @yourfavoritefridge and answered all of these questions while very drunk last night and for reasons I’ve decided to just give you those answers.

{Obviously I wasn’t sober enough to format it with links and stuff so I have done a little after the fact but I’ll just mark all my sober updates with these fancy ass brackets, but for the most part, I left my drunk answers unaltered and did not elaborate. ENJOY!}

1.) How many works do you have on ao3?

28 [Holy shit]

{technically 29 now}

2.) What's your ao3 word count?

380,7555 [feels fake] {and not a number…}

{also it’s 380,918 now}

3.) What fandoms do you write for?

Apart from the first fic [which we will talk about in Q19] Star Wars

4.) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Haunted Heart {293 kudos | Anakin falls for the charming ghost haunting his house} {when I tell you I thought this fic would have less hits than it has kudos when I first posted it…}

Bound and Broken {252 kudos | Satine helps Obi-Wan through his trauma following the events of Kadavo }

I’ll Fall For You If… {241 kudos | Bartender Anakin helps widower Obi-Wan set up his dating profile}

Go Fuck Yourself Obi-Wan [WHAT THE FUCK!? I love you freaks] {239 kudos | When a young padawan Kenobi finds himself in the future, Obi-Wan gets to know himself on a… deeper level}

Your Highness {237 kudos | Obi-Wan and Satine during the year on the run. The beginning of a long running series}

5.) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Not recently, and I’m trying really hard not to feel bad about it. MORE WHEN YOURE SOBER

6.) What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Bound and Broken or Haunted Heart

HonorableM: Curiosity Killed the Commander & Homecoming

7.) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The Resolute Theater Presents

8.) Do you get hate on fics?

Not really? I’ve gotten the errant comment here and there, there has been a lot of asks about getting back to EIYWT which… ANSWER WHEN YOURE SOBER

9.) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I love this question.

It’s the weirdest question.

I know a few other mutuals have pointed it out, and I want to be clear, I don’t mean it in a bad way, but this is a weird question in a way that I LOVE.

YES.

Yes, I write smut.

It’s pretty much all I write…

But WHAT KIND???

Oh fuck.

I write the kind of smut that will make you squirm in your seat and chew your lip as tears stream down your flushed cheeks.

I will make you feel things, and then I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL THINGS

{I’m fine. This is fine}

10.) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Have not.

Have considered X-Files x Star Wars but I think that’s more of an AU than a crossover

[in case anyone is interested]

11.) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of!

12.) Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so, but I mean— That would be incredible

13.) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

ANSWER WHEN YOURE SOBER

14.) What's your all time favorite ship?

ALL TIME!?

I don’t fucking know, ANSWER SOBER

15.) What's a WIP you'd like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

This question makes me itchy. SKIP

16.) What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm still finding them. And I mean that in the best way.

I think maybe my strength is that I’m learning to just write the way I write?

I’m finding a way to tell the stories I’ve always heard in my mind and to my absoltute fucking astonishment — there are people who like the stories in my head…

I’m learning to ignore everything I ever learned about writing. I’m learning to just listen to that weird rhythm that has always been in my head and just TELL THE FUCKING STORY [sometimes literally] {gods I hate myself}

I don’t know.

I think…

I think I’m a good story teller.

I think I can tell a complete story, both short and long.

I think I’ve always been able to do this — usually out loud, I’m very good at giving speeches and entertaining people but I’ve always been good at telling stories. Nothing frustrates me more than a poorly told drunken shenanigan, or a wedding speech with bad story structure…

Okay this is getting pretentious

READ THIS WHEN YOURE SOBER

ANYWAY

Yeah… even though I’ve written stories with open endings, stories that could have a follow up, stories that leave you wanting more — they’re all still complete stories. You don’t NEED to know more, you can imagine the rest yourself.

And isn’t that the best part?

17.) What are your writing weaknesses?

I’m sure I have a lot.

I choose not to think about them…

…

That’s not true but if I think about it too might I’ll tear myself apart so I’m gonna say that I’m a terrible speller and MOVE ON

18.) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I am not at all confident enough for this.

Fictional or not.

I mean, I’m totally into it! I’ll read it all day!

I’m not confident enough to write it [myself]

19.) First fandom you wrote for?

WOLF 359!!!

YOU GUYS!

THIS AUDIODRAMA WILL BREAK YOUR HEART

AND THE FIRST THING I EVER WROTE WAS A THREESOME WITH A FUCKING CENTIENT SPACESTATION AND TWO OF HER CREW AND I AM STILL VERY PROUd oh fuck I just realized caps lock was still on I’m gonna… yeah okay.

^^^READ SOBER

{the fic in question}

20.) Favorite fic you've ever written?

Fuck me,

Um.

Probably Haunted Heart. {I still think about this fic on a daily basis…}

BUT

Can I shout out another fic I’m really proud of?

A Very Strange Time in My Life {a really short, really weird first person story loosely inspired by Fight Club}

{well folks… I hope you enjoyed this weird look into my drunk brain!}

[gilbertscocteaus]

long ass vent/rant coming

i REALLY don't understand some of my own trauma sometimes because a lot of the stuff i did FEELS deliberate (like me sending explicit voice notes to someone older in exchange for dumb stuff like music) or just plain out confusing (like suddenly developing weird habits and fascinations after a gynecologist visit i had as a kid, i had to be touched down there tldr) because i was aware of what was happening, i knew what i was getting myself into, i knew that doctor was just doing his job, i knew that i was uncomfortable, yet i didn't leave! not a single time! through every bad ex i had i always sat there and endured it knowing it was wrong yet being infatuated by them as though we were soulmates, you know????

even as a kid, i got myself in stupid situations (like defending my mom when she was being abused) which lead me to ME getting hurt (verbally, and developing other stuff)

it all feels deliberate, like i asked for this, and it's hard to think of myself as a victim because i feel like i'm trying to take someone's nachos by using the title LMAO

like yeah i was 11 and scared of having blood on my hands if the guy did kill himself because i'd be blamed for it and he sent me explicit content involving minors but also but also i could literally block him. what was he gonna do about it???? find me and make his sick fantasies of assaulting me true???? (probably because i think he knew where i lived)

it's so weird. i am not entirely helpless either because i HAVE hurt people due to my own issues. one of my relationships ended because of my ed and whatnot, and i've gotten into physical fights with my siblings because of my anger issues (which they ALSO have, my brother literally threatened to stab me once 💀) also i've def participated in bullying at some point even though i was also not very liked in school. all of this before the age of 15. just bitter for no reason.

that's lowkey why i relate to gilb so much #tbh but that's besides my point. i don't talk about this with my therapist because she's not helpful in this area. like, at all. and i don't know i've been thinking about my own experiences and MYSELF a lot because of this stupid ass manga. cheers to trauma i guess ????

i wish i could articulate my thoughts a lot better but honestly this is as good as it's gonna get. i am sometimes scared to talk about stuff like this (especially the damage i've caused to others) because what if i get cancelled or my friends start hating me for this. tf do i do then.

worst thing is i HAVE to figure this on my own because finding a therapist that actually understands trauma around here is hell on earth all they want me to do is draw trees and tell me i did it wrong. and when i do bring up my trauma it lowkey goes nowhere so i just go back to drawing my trees and painting and doing little kid stuff because at least it helps me relax a little. she might be a good therapist for people with more conventional issues but i feel like i need something else. i just don't know what it is. i feel lost all the time and everything is confusing, too big, too out there.

[zzencat]

Thank you for your effort 🙏 please take care of yourself.

Before I ask my tarot related question , I have another question. I'm an INTP too. As a very rational person, how do approach intuition & channeling?

my tarot related question: how I would know he is my FS? How would I recognise them ?

[ You can tell if anything explicit comes up, I'm a full grown adult]

these are good questions AB! a fellow intp yeaaaaa!!! but i do have to warn you to get ready for some reading:

advice on intuition + channeling

AB!! you’re basically already done with what you need to do! you’ve there’s not much to do anymore- it’s really all in your hands now! cards are saying you can literally start whenever you want! it’s normal to be anxious about it or overthink it. walk into it and be ready to learn. the answer is right in front of you :)

make sure to rest yourself and your mind. be aware of your surroundings and take them in as they are, at its core—at its most fundamental properties. also, if you do some meditation, great! if you don’t, this could help quiet your mind and boost your awareness for better receiving of messages. also when it comes to channeling messages. usually whatever comes to mind is your channeled message, and even more so if you can’t keep your mind off of it. even if it doesn’t make sense, let it come through.

now intuition, is all about trusting your gut. it’s the feeling that you get first off the bat, for example, when you feel something is off. it can be all over the place and then you lose your sense of trust in it, but the key is to trust it. that feeling that’s just lingering and warning you. how can you distinguish between your intuition and a talkative mind? find a quiet space, close your eyes, breathe, and enter into a state of total calmness (the environment is customized to your own liking but it should bring you to peace and a “mental middle ground”, a place that completely calms your anxiety. rmr to keep breathing also!! 😅) doing this brings you back to rational thinking, an open and accepting mind, free from biased thinking. once youre calm, you should be able to decipher what your intuition is trying to tell you, even if it takes a bit. your intuition can freak out a bit but it bounces back. also!! intps like us already do cartwheels of abstract thinking throughout the day, and intuition works well with the abstract world and theories, so you should be ok from here!

also whatever stagnancy you may have faced before deciding to take this on was a period of preparation—a spiritual shift of some sort. so yeah! just…onwards! you’re more ready than you think- the ball’s waiting in your court.

future spouse dynamics, characteristics, + some sexual stuff

your future spouse is probably not aligned with his higher self’s emotions. the cards suggest he seems to have dealt with trauma, possibly from family, probably due to high expectations and low emotional support. they seem to be joyful and prosperous, but he deals with a broken heart and is often sad or deal with depressive symptoms. this person is more action oriented, but might be timid in sharing thoughts, ideas, or the next step due to doubt. he could use some work on his intuition. i don’t think he’s the best at expressing himself verbally so your energies could be imbalanced there. they’re rebellious and probably have the tendency to be impulsive, retract again, and then come out when comfortable again. the cycle repeats. this person gets confident and then unconfident. up and down moods and cycles. the job they’re in now or at the time of your relationship will earn plenty, but he needs to watch where those spendings go and how he conducts work. he’ll need to work out a lot of mental and emotional issues before and during your relationship (bro needs to seek out therapy for example), or this could lead him down a not-so-great financial path or huge losses materially. he might spend a lot on you as well, probably to overcompensate, bc what he’s learned growing up is money = love. there will be many times where he acts cold. there’s a huge chance that your relationship with him will help him improve and see things differently. instead of being indecisive, he’ll be more confident with his direction in life and what he wants to pursue. i also recommend slowing down and building the relationship off properly, not rushing. it would also help to open him up slowly and have frequent understanding and conversations. this dude is kind of a tough nut to crack (major understatement).

for sexual messages, you have to soothe this guy into having sex. this dude isn’t so great at love and seems pretty lethargic so you’ll have to coax it out. this could mean make-up sex or sex after having a discussion or argument. after you’ve resolved things, that would be an ideal moment to have sex and make it up to each other. there’s such a huge imbalance of energies, trying to get one or the other to do something that would be beneficial to their health and wellbeing, but the other is being so stubborn about it for no reason. i think a lot of your fights or misunderstandings are around behavioral issues, and not on your side, AB, but more on his. the dude could use some vitamin D too so some sex under the sun would be nice, some sun shining through the window. your balance and fairness turns him on a fair amount- also your hair too. the dude craves comfort. that’s what gets him the most. maybe some food and drinks as well, but incorporated a bit later!

thank you for waiting and for sending your ask in!! best of luck 😸👍

[hazbean-hotel-imagines]

Hi! I'm an ENFP Lesbian here for a matchup! I love drawing, musical theater, cartoons and reading, and I'm very touch starved and have trauma from abusive parents. I'm very passionate and when I care about something I'll do everything I can to make sure it goes well. I love hot chocolate and cuddles and women who are very protective of me

Matchup

I pair you with...

~ I can see a lot of similarities between you and Charlie! Because of this, since Vaggie is canonically in a relationship with Charlie, I knew that you and Vaggie would be really compatible!

~ This is a head canon of mine, you know the trope person A fell first but person B fell harder? I feel like Vaggie loves HARD. I feel like here you fall for Vaggie first, and when she begins to gain feelings it's like plummeting off of a moving fucking plane.

~ She's super protective and attentive of your needs, and is hyper aware of the people around you. She puts not only your safety above all else, but your happiness.

~ She's patient, and an incredible listener. She can sit for hours while you talk about your interests, and her smile will literally never waver.

~ Vaggie is shy, gets flustered fairly easily. She isn't much for PDA. But, she her love language is acts of service. She makes hot chocolate for you for breakfast, and before ebed while you're winding down and getting comfortable. Not that powdered microwavable stuff. She makes hot chocolate with real chocolate on the stove.

~ Her secondary love language is quality time. She'll never burn out being around someone she cares about. Despite being an introvert, she just likes your company. You can be talking her ear off nonstop, or just be silently enjoying each others company, and she'll never grow tired of you. If anything, it makes her fall for you even more, if that's even possible.

I also pair you with...

~ Poly for the win!! I couldn't possibly not include Charlie here, but I couldn't help but feel like a poly relationship with both you, Charlie, and Vaggie could work! If you aren't a fan of me including a poly pairing it's no worries, if you're comfy you can send an additional ask and I can write you a matchup with your alternative pairing listed at the bottom! :)

~ You and Charlie definitely hit it off immediately. You're very similar, you are both amazing artists with interests in musicals and cartoons. I feel as though Charlie is an ENFJ, so considering you're an ENFP, I feel like you two would immediately hit it off very well.

~ Basically, immediate friends. I'm feeling friends to lovers trope here.

~ Charlie loves initiating fluffy PDA between you and Vaggie! Small kisses, hand holding, hugs, the sweetest compliments. She's very sweet, and makes it obvious all three of you are in a relationship.

~ The best cuddle pile duo! Let me tell you how you'll never go a day without cuddles and kisses from these two. They'll cure you of being touch starved very quickly.

~ The two of them really make sure you're all well loved, and overall it's a super healthy, cavity inducing relationship dynamic.

I also pair you with...

~ Okay I thought of her almost immediately, besides Charlie and Vaggie, Cherri I feel is perfect for you. There are two main reasons, her personality, as well as her friendship with Angel Dust. I accidentally made this section super long lol.

~ Considering her friendship with Angel Dust, she knows how to be there for someone who's suffered from abuse. She'd do her best to help you not only overcome your trauma from your abusive parents, but be able to distract you and cheer you up when you're especially down. She's contagiously happy.

~ Methods of cheering you up range from a bit extreme to very sweet. This can go from bigger things, like dragging you along to turf wars or blowing up places you guys hate. On the less extreme side, she'd drag you to parties, or shower you with things you like, like hot chocolate or merch from shows you like. Additionally, she'll cuddle for hours and watch cartoons with you, cracking jokes throughout to make you smile.

~ I can so see her sneaking you into a theatre to watch a musical. Picture this: There's a musical, super expensive, you decide not to go because of the price but you're understandably still a bit sad about it. Cherri sees how upset you are, so she takes you out for the night, then sneaks you into the theatre to see it. She manages to get you balcony seats that were mysteriously empty.

~ Cherri is definitely also an ENFP. You two definitely would get along extremely well, in the sense that it's like talking to someone who understands you and thinks on the same wave length.

~ Cherri is someone who flaunts you, unlike Charlie and Vaggie, who are more casual and personal about your relationship. With Charlie and Vaggie, while people who know you all personally are well aware of your relationship, they aren't too focused on what people who don't know them personally know.

~ Even people who don't know Cherri personally know that she is head over heels for you. She never shuts up about you, and she posts pictures on Sinstagram of you all the time. Instead of DMing you things that remind her of you, often she'll post it on her story and tag you.

~ Cherri is super affectionate and extroverted. Tight cuddles while watching cartoons. Pillow fights are a must, as well as pillow forts. I can see Cherri as the type to not only make pillow forts with you, but make lore about it. You guys can sit there for hours, making lore about your opposing pillow kingdoms. In the end, it ends in a tragic pillow fight leaving your pillow forts destroyed, and you and Cherri are the sole survivors among the wreckage of your pillow kingdoms.

~ Anyway, Cherri is very spontaneous. While she is more an outdoors person, she enjoys things like parties and interfering in turf wars, but her favourite thing at the end of the day is coming home to cuddle with you and making cups of hot chocolate to wind down for the night.

Alternative pairing...

Beelzebub

[heroictoonz]

not going to comment on the ramcoa stuff? yeah thought not.

Crazy how I have a life and a job and didn't give a shit to respond to u when I'm busy n only scrolly tumblr idly but since u clearly got a thing for me ill bite cause you also need my opinions reexplained to you like a child

Also I googled ramcoa cause I didn’t know what that word means (i also didnt know what endo meant till like earlier this fuckin year cause everyone was being very loud and annoying about it) and all I got was "RAMCOA is an acronym for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse." which like. what the FUCK are you even talking about mind control? fucking ORGANIZED ABUSE this is like classic cult aligned shit how does this even relevant to endos and that stuff. please tell me this is a word or acronym for something else that google isnt telling me cause just genuinely huh

listen i took a look at the link u sent i dont wanna post that cause i dont want ppl harassing others on the internet like you seem to want but just for the love of fuck listen to me for two seconds like honest to god read my words and let them sink in

the post you sent me i have literally no context for to me it looks like a shit post. ive made jokes like that before and i need to reiterate that they are JOKES and i am NOT ENDO and i say shit for goofs cause to me and my friends its funny. whether it is or is not a joke is, honestly, not my business. I dont know that person personally i dont know their life i dont know their story so i dont set it as my mission to find people i dont agree with and flip my shit at them. again. life. job. no interest. im 24 and literally not my job to babysit other ppl on the internet i block who i dont like follow who i do and live on w my life (which. highly recommended for all. you too Chuck. makes life so much more livable)

in regards to ur stuff about misinformation the way I see it is people will spread bullshit about just about every topic under the sun. it is, once again, not my job to go around "um actually" everything on the internet. if someone asks me a question i answer if someone im directly talking to has wrong information i try to correct them

When it comes to a lot of people, however, not many of them want to change their minds on things. sometimes some people arent even at a point of their life to be open minded and listen. which, im not gonna stress myself out to correct someone else. Even i had a point in my life where i was so hardheaded and full of hate (it was a weird cringe culture group i was in and didnt think for myself and honestly i caused a lot of damage in that time of my life and even now I regret it. But man thats life. And like if i try to correct and if they dont listen i go okay and dip after a point (which, for you. is prob gonna be here. cause im gonna say all my thoughts here and be done with this conversation honestly also work is suuuuuper busy rn like fr wish me luck w this summer season sobs) theres a part of me that hopes you will either see reason with this reply and chill out or you will continue to disagree with me but at least for both of our sanity stop messaging me either way i wont be replying again to you just so you are aware

now im just gonna be so fucking blunt here. do i believe endo is a thing? (ie: people can be systems without trauma) honestly? i dont know! here is how i see it; im not a medical professional. I have an interest in psychology i have a copy of the dsm5 cause im a nerd (its with my law books. again. im a nerd.) but im no scientist. at the same time; i dont really trust medical professionals all that much? i would like to. really i would. but it always feels like so many of them dont take the time to actually try with diagnosis. too many people of color or fat people and shit like that always say that they are constantly misdiagnosed or ignored due to predigests. again, because i was born a girl i was never diagnosed properly when i was a kid. this happened twice actually! and even then ive had to deal with doctors and therapists who dont believe me even WITH a formal diagnosis to my name. ive had a therapist tell me that i DIDNT have bpd because i was, in her words, "too nice" and she refused to start me on cbd insisting the doctor was wrong. its scary as fuck honestly. plus, like i said in the last post, mental health is so under researched. which is also so scary to me. theres so much that doctors dont know. that WE dont know. theres so much that doctors get wrong. sometimes cause theyre only human and sometimes cause they willfully ignore patients.

so, the way i see it, is that maybe you can have a system without trauma or maybe you cant. i dont know personally and where i stand i dont know how much credit i would put to research done on a mental disability that is still to this day so disgustingly stigmatized and viewed as dangerous or scary. ive seen split. i know david haller (i like david haller but also every time i think about the live action show or how they really treat him as a character i sob in my little heart every fuckin day man fr) so to me i chalk it up to 'fuck if i know' and move on.

The other thing is that since i personally am not an endo in my head i also have no evidence to form a hard opinion on this at all. Again, my system DID come from trauma. In fact, for most of the system mates i can pinpoint exactly which traumas and/or parts of my life they came from (some i dont but i am also pretty sure im missing a very large chunk of my middle school memories so who the fuck knows) but honestly. if you have a hard opinion on the yes or no here thats fine youre intitled to your own opinion ig

but you shouldnt harass people on the internet or accuse them of being fake. this is what my problem is with anti-endos.

This has also been my like, whole side of this conversation. Which is why im really begging you to listen and read my words cause i very much think you are reading me wrong here. I literally couldnt give less of a shit about your personal opinion on this kinda stuff. Like i dont know you were not friends you’re a random anon on the internet. You disagreeing with me does not phase me one bit. I clearly have stuff to say but thats just cause i talk a lot and like to share my thoughts more than anything else. Honestly. You can send me a like one sentence question and ill accidentally reply with an essay. Have you SEEN the rants ive been on lmaooo

What does frustrate me, is that you feel the need to harass people and accuse people of faking stuff for attention with NO fucking thought. When you sent your first anon i can only assume its cause i reblogged my friend Wendy’s post about endos and syscourse (i hate syscourse so much but MAN that is a good fucking play on words it almost makes me mad lol) you asked if i had did/osdd and i said yes and you IMMEDIATELY went into my asks and accused me of being 1) an endo and 2) faking for attention despite that neither of those can be inferred by my answer especially when i 1) never once said I WAS endo personally (because. Again. Not) and 2) i specifically explained in my first response (thinking u were just a good natured random) that while, yes, i am a system, i dont talk about it very openly or much at all only vaguely mentioning it here n there on my personal blog when i feel the need or want on a specific topic (like when i made a joke post about being a system and watching RvB and the Meta who is this character that has a buncha AI crammed in his head). If anything, it makes you more fuckin wrong cause me NOT mentioning being a system almost ever shows more to the light that im NOT focusing on wanting attention or shit like that if anything i think i make more jokes about being autistic and trans. Are you gonna accuse me of being fake trans and fake autistic just for attention? Because i talk about it more? No, cause that would make like zero sense. (Unless u want to ig tho honestly i think being called a fake trans would be so funny as anon hate like genuinely that would make me snort i think. Guy who uses he/him and openly talks about having periods and shit like that accused as fake trans rguireghrhuigr)

To me, at least, you have already proven that your ideology is flawed. Your method of pointing out ‘fakes’ and ‘attention seekers’ is just really nonsensical. Either that or you do honestly have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The oooonly reason i could maaaaaybe see you thinking im ‘attention seeking’ is when I vaguely mentioned in the tags of that first post that I had a system specific blog however i also 1) do not advertise it nor did i put the name of it on that post OR ask you to follow it and 2) admitted that its barely ever used. Again, still making no sense to your accusation

And like, honestly, at the end of the day, accusing people you dont know on the internet just by random posts they post or terminology they identify with for being fake is just so, in your own words, gross. You dont know these people’s lives. You dont know what they’ve been through. Again, completely ignoring whether you can or cannot have system without trauma my original long response talked about how the person identifying as endo might actually have trauma and not know/recognize it as such and by harassing them you are only making everything worse for them. You LITERALLY do not know these people. You dont know me and you made that very clear when you were so crushingly wrong about me by literally just the second anon you sent.

As someone who deals with the anxiety and fear that i am secretly a fake and dont know it, not just about being a system but like. A SHIT ton of stuff in my life, it does not help when random fucking people come accusing me of that exact fear. Going back to that therapist who tried to tell me she didnt think i had bpd it took me SO FUCKING LONG to accept i did in fact have bpd after that. And it was fucking painful to deal with mentally. When every sign in the motherfucking book pointed to YES i have this thing but all it took was ONE woman with a degree to tell me i was ‘too nice’ and suddenly my world fell apart. I no longer felt like i had a name to the feelings and thoughts i was suffering from. Dude that shit SUCKS it is SO painful and stressful. Like literally, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not inflict that on others. You might think youre bringing justice in some weird way but theres a higher chance that you are hurting people just as much as you seem to think endos cause hurt.

Now, because i know you SO DESPERATELY wanna know my opinion on the post you sent in the unanswered ask, honestly? I dont know how much i agree with that persons post. Like. Playing in the field of maybe that was an honest to god opinion and not just like a joke they were making, really not sure how i feel about it. In my opinion, i wouldn’t be running around trying to get my brain to spawn in more little fuckers to deal with. But i also have a lot of mixed feelings about being a system and my headmates. For one i dont get along with all of them, and not all of them get along with each other. Shits really annoying and in some extreme cases stressful as fuck. Every time something new pops into existence, I’ll be real, im kinda scared. I dont know how things will once again change or shift. And my head is just a single head. Its one brain that now has to deal with so much going on i get a lot of headaches and dissociate sometimes even in the middle of doing things or talking to people cause shit will just randomly become chaos (tho im sure other mental things attribute to all that too here n there idk) but I wouldn’t say i hate being a system. I also dont think id ever wanna do that like fuse therapy shit and get rid of the others. Both out of a fear of losing myself and a fear of losing some of them. That shit sounds kinda scary to me. And where, yeah theres some that i dont get along with, there are others that i do get along with! And love a lot! I jokingly call some of them my siblings cause a lot of them have been around since i was a little kid (tho ill admit for a while I thought i just had a REALLY strong imagination and that for some reason my imaginary friends kept talking to me even as an adult till i finally realized hm. Maybe this is not the case. Lol) so like ya you’ll never see me honest to god saying ‘man i wish i had MORE random bastards in my head’ but like, thats just me

I’ve met so many systems and a lot of them are different. I’ve met some that WANT to fuse (i dont think thats the word they use for that therapy but i just got home from a stressful 8 hours on The Grind so I can’t think words all too well lol) ive met people that LOVE being a system people who hate it people who are pretty indifferent to it. I’ve met systems who are have a different person fronting every day ive met systems where you almost never see or hear from the others and its just primarily the host that takes charge. So many different people feel differently about the same things. That’s just life. But I am not gonna use ONE post randomly shown to me to 1) make an assumption on someone (especially something as harmful as faking) or 2) as a valid reason to harass them. Especially not when the person showing the post to me has only acted hostile towards me. Like honestly. Genuine tip here, being rude and mean to people is not how you try to change their minds or try to educate them on something. Walking into my house and telling me im the fake hedgehog just cause of one post and one answered ask and then trying to tell me im wrong is like so not the way my guy fr

I’m pretty sure ive said my entire peace on the matter here. So yeah, again if you send me any more anons i wont be answering them. I’m saying this just to try and save you some time and also some peace of mind. Honestly, please block me. Please forget my existence and go live your life. Its honestly worrying how you have now spent like two days in my anons about this shit, like i am not even joking like the joke is over please please please finish reading this, block me, and go watch one of your favorite comfort movies and smile i mean this so seriously

[dirtyoldmanhole]

real dweeby navel gazing time

i think one of the reasons i am having genuinely, so much fun with this gunter slowburn fanfic despite sitting at a literal 53k words rn and with it probably being close to 90k all said and done, is it's ... writing the ship i see myself in the most by far on both sides.

like, ever.

this shit is the rawest most honest shit i've ever written.

i've talked a little bit about how corrin's memory wipe stuff is literally a 1:1 to my anesthesia/childhood surgery/physical therapy conga line of bullshit. even aside from the helpful textual 'here's how this works from a medical event standpoint' there's the 'here's the emotional scars that it will leave because yes it is a bodily/mind violation of a sense, over and over, and jesus all of this of this stuff goes so well thematically to the straight up fantasy bullshit of nohr with the underpinning of being hyper-aware to the themes of "power" "use" "what it takes to survive by emotionally dragging yourself through a minefield" etc. stuff i've been ruminating over since being conscious lol.

then my body's so whack from a physical joint perspective that there's also almost word for word conversations from gunter's side that i've had with my gf about how to navigate certian shit from a kink perspective but also like... how to maintain dignity when your body's kinda physically crapping out on you due to the march of time.... without loosing the sexytimes u know?

the concept of dignity in the face of being broken is a huge theme in this fic that gets echoed. very poignant for reasons you fates players know.

amusingly there's a scene near the end where corrin's helping him to shave after his stroke. (in one of fate's "clearly having a giggle at my expense" coincidences i've been in contact lately irl with somebody who's also gone through a stroke and man is it not easy) and it's this kind of perfect blend of she's helping him, technically, with something that could just be... god awful self loathing brainspace wise for him but it turns into this amazingly hot kink scene with some serious sizzling power exchange.

the dream, man!

there is a real thin line between being able to laugh at yourself *while* keeping that dignity to pointedly.... having to not look in the mirror some days. desire and shame being some real fucked up entangled wires too, in that sense.

the tumblr uwu approved discussions re: tricky medical/'my body is crapping out on me man and i can't hide it'/kink shit and having to be ~valid~ all the time gives me the hiiiiiveeeees man (and i'm not knocking it for other people, i know why it exists, but it sends my hackles up u feel).

and yet this fic still feels like, hot, in the fun sense.

there's enough fun whacko fantasy taboo elements in it that it doesn't feel .... oh no this ain't sexy this is Too Real, you feel, or too much like a trauma fic(tm)

there's the sexy yandere villain ossan (lol), corrin herself has one hell of a sex drive (and honestly that's yet another huge focus, that wish fufillment fantasy of this 'pure fragile princess chick that's fought over like a prize by everyone else' who gets to choose 'no i actually want the hot villain kthx'. she actually rants to him several times about being fought over and having everyone else from nohr/hoshido project all the shit on her.

(and him being all, I got you, I get it.)

he actually does!!!! that's the funniest darkest most ironic thing!! he's got that weird blend of being aware enough from a kink perspective and just 'went through enough shit' life perspective of why sometimes the most sacred, profound thing you can do for somebody is to break them when they ask for it. sometimes in the dark u just want the brain wires to go bzzt.

there is a weird as hell comraderie in the sense of facing very specific demons that only they have (which, again, hilariously, goes so well with the themes of revelation! invisible enemies/demons that only you two know about.)

and then i have like yet another essay in me about how literally every character i've RP'ed is a suspiciously similar to his whole... archetype.... like all of my RP partners have gravitated to playing the chicks in the het relationships and i've always RP'd the snarky older guy going through life snarking at shit and being a closet misanthrope (there's probably some presentation/gender-aligned stuff going there but this is already navel gazey as hell lol)

anyway

tl;dr i haz feelz