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caligvlasaqvarivm · 9 months ago

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i never noticed the hints towards pale Solfef! in light of that, i think it's interesting that Eridan pursued Feferi in the pale quadrant while desperately wanting her to end up in his flushed one, meanwhile Feferi pursues Sollux in the flushed quadrant, despite them seemingly destined to be pale lol guess seadwellers are used to swimming up current lmao

that said, what are your thoughts on Erifef? do you think Eridan actually wants her flushed? or is that another subconscious tactic of his to keep her(someone he deeply cares about) by his side?

personally, i'm of the opinion that though they do care about eachother, they could never work out flushed. i think Eridan -though very enthusiastic about her and thinks they share the same troubles that comes with being so high on the hemospectrum, as well as isolated via physical location and the requirements to meet seadweller expectations- doesn't actually want redrom with her, but he knows pale isn't 'good enough' plus prefers to go to Karkat for all the traditional pale stuff. dude doesn't realize they can just be friends and she won't abandon him(cue Feferi abandoning him the monent she leaves quadrants with him, further exacerbating that fear lol)

meanwhile, on Feferi's end, it's too much to go into here but i think she has struggles with being present with others. so though i think she also deeply cares about Eridan and was absolutely miffed he was going to Karkat for things that she(being his moirail at the time) should have been talked to about, i think she has a lot of character development to go through before she can really pursue quadrants as something she needs and wants and not something she thinks she should do. i think flipping pale with Sollux could have been that catalyst but alas :' ] it seems Hussie changed his mind

So, personally, I do actually think Eridan's flushed feelings for Feferi are real... kind of. The fact that he has 0 self-awareness really makes talking about his feelings difficult because everything needs to be qualified with "this would change if he were capable of taking a step back."

The "kind of" here is because I don't think it's necessarily Feferi, the PERSON, that Eridan's in love with, but rather, the Feferi that exists in his head. To Eridan, Feferi is a bubbly, adorable, cheerful girl who's nice to everybody and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. He literally says that he thinks she might be too nice to have a pitch relationship with somebody, which is definitely not true, as Feferi can be plenty mean, and there's plenty to find flawed about her.

The first reason for this mistaken belief is that that's definitely the way that Feferi believes herself to be, so it's how she presents herself, and Eridan believes people when they tell him stuff. The second is because, in Eridan's shitty, friendless life, Feferi has been his one constant - the person who's always been there for him, the only person who's consistently nice to him (until he meets Karkat, and even then, Karkat is master of the mixed signals, and Eridan implies that death threats and insults are regular banter between them), and oftentimes the one person who cheers him up when he's at his lowest.

I think a lot of people in the fandom are too hard on Feferi - she's genuinely well-meaning, and most of her bad points come from ignorance and privilege, not manipulativeness or spite. She doesn't consciously realize it when she's treating Eridan poorly, and she makes real efforts to be a good moirail to him, even though he doesn't usually reciprocate those efforts. I think she suffers from the Umbridge Effect, where Eridan's problems - being on such the extreme end of trauma and anxiety - almost feel alien and unreal, while everyone knows a Feferi, so Feferi draws in some undue vitriol.

She has a few outbursts at him when he's egregiously rude for no reason, but given she's been dealing with his severe mental illness for so long, and takes his threats and casteism at least semi-seriously, I don't blame her for being exhausted and snapping from time to time. She's genuinely just not equipped to help him with his problems - lest we forget, she's also 13. Otherwise, everything else she does to harm him is something she just genuinely doesn't consciously realize is a problem, because she's got a hard time seeing past her privilege.

For example, using Eridan for feeding Gl'bgolyb without gratitude - the thing is, societally, it's his job, and HAS always been a violet's job. Not only that, but given his... everything, if she asked him if he's okay with doing it, he'd definitely insist that he is, and in fact, that it's HIS duty and HIS privilege. He also started INCREDIBLY young, so it's genuinely just been like this for their entire lives. It's a bit shitheaded for Feferi to not realize how much she benefitted from this arrangement, but, again, it's a crime of ignorance, not malice.

In a similar vein, I think she stayed in her moirallegiance for as long as she did partially because she got an ego boost out of it. She commiscerates with Kanaya over how burdensome he is, and she gets to say things like "we are not better than anybody," which she absolutely doesn't actually feel, given how she won't shut up about being a royal when talking to Jade. She's elated to break up with him, her narration celebrating with a big "you're FREE!!!" and it's not a coincidence that said break-up happens after Eridan's no longer useful to her - she outright states that he can't threaten their species anymore now that they're in the game and everyone else is dead.

BUT, I think she ALSO means it when she says that she stayed in that moirallegiance because she was genuinely worried for him. Both this statement and the above paragraph can be simultaneously true. There's nothing about Eridan that's actually that offensive to Feferi, and I really do think she means it when she says she wants to stay friends. His constant emotional crises have just left her burnt out in terms of sympathy, and she never really knew how to handle him in the first place, but in their first conversation together, she's still genuinely making an effort to get him to open up about his feelings and to cheer him up about his failed kismesistude.

After the breakup and his failed confession, the thing is, he does accept that rejection! ... Kind of. (Again with the kind ofs.)

He outright tells her he accepts that she doesn't like him like that... BUUUT, is trying to get her to go ashen with him and Sollux, instead. THIS is the "trying to keep her with him" angle you're talking about, IMO; I think his flushed feelings are genuine, even if they're aimed at this idealized version of Feferi moreso than the real deal. Without Feferi in the picture, I think Eridan and Sollux would have a completely lukewarm mutual dislike. The sheer lukewarmness is probably why Erisolsprite is so stable - they're completely mid for each other.

The realness of his flushed feelings for Feferi is, incidentally, part of why I think him and Roxy would work so well together - if this idealized version of Feferi (bubbly, adorabloodthirsty, pink, cute, cheerful, and kind) is his Type... well.

I also think he and Feferi would work pretty well as just normal friends; they might have fallen into that dynamic on their own if they'd met later on in life. In a hypothetical golden ending, I think they do fall into it once EriKar happens, since moirallegiances are stated to have a stabilizing effect on a troll's other relationships.

#homestuck #eridan ampora #feferi peixes #erifef

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rivetgoth · 4 months ago

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I have definitely talked about this song before on here but I've been having a bit of a Greater Wrong of the Right moment. Oldschool Charheads know that this is one of my all-time favorite albums and has been for the better part of a decade, but I genuinely feel like Goneja is like, one of the top 10, maybe even top 5, Skuppy tracks ever, which I think (?) is a pretty esoteric opinion, since the post-Doomsday stuff doesn't tend to get nearly as much love.

Buuut it's just so good man. It's like, for lack of a better word I'd call it the thesis of the album. This might be a kinda scattered "analysis" but I think GWOTR is an album that reflects a lot of growth and maturity from Ogre (and cEv, but I'm talking lyrically right now so sorry lol)--That isn't to say that the pre-Doomsday stuff is "immature," but I think there's a kind of normal timeline of human experience and psychology present in the evolution of Ogre's lyrics and demeanor over time, with the early Skuppy stuff being much more proactive and angry, and later Skuppy stuff being much more reflective. Like, lyrics that go from "This thing sucks" to "What can be done about this thing, how do we react to it, what does this say about the world."

Anyway, I think GWOTR spends a lot of time reflecting on this change as lyrics span across a bunch of the songs about sitting there, literally sitting, and sort of acknowledging or not acknowledging the horrors of the world: "Sit and feel absolutely zero suffering / A condition worth denying," "In the place of safety I am fortunate to be alive." A lot of this is (and the album title evokes this too, and the stage show) implicitly about the state of international affairs in the US at the time, post 9/11, the Bush Administration, and the horrors taking place overseas by hand and dollar of the US militia. Reflecting on the helplessness of being within the country of origin, far away from the actual traumas taking place. To return to what I said above about that "proactive and angry" vs "reflective" statement, consider the lyrics of songs like VX Gas Attack or Second Tooth versus lyrics like Use Less or DaddyuWarbash, where we shift from talking about the war itself to talking about being a citizen of the country propagating it: "Doesn't concern me / Under a flag free / Are we all completely useless?," "We remove ourselves from the war / Looking from a distance, sanitized / Wash your hands and feel it / The dirt is down the drain."

I also don't think it's coincidence that this album and all that it represents and speaks on was the first Skinny Puppy album since both Ogre and cEvin got clean from harder drugs and got more into weed. I think this album sonically has this sort of long, winding, whirring sound I'd associate specifically with a weed high, and obviously Goneja by name is a play on ganja (though as a SoCal resident I used to try to read it as go-neigh-ha until I realized, LMAO), so it's asking you to be aware of the presence of marijuana within the song and the album as a whole. So I think Goneja kind of is a coalescence of the impact weed has on the album and the larger themes of the lyrics of the album, and serves as probably the most personal, or introspective track on the album, with this kind of dreamlike, erratic sound, simultaneously slow and mellow but with scattered, jumbled, almost-nonsense lyrics that shift into one another as the song progresses. I always felt the song was representational of getting way too high and way too stuck in your own head, and the way your thoughts start to warp, and you start thinking about all of these terrible things, and all of these dark moments in your own life, and these dark moments in history, and become wrapped up in how weird and fucked up the world is. "I wish I wouldn't live in newspapers" is one of the final statements of the song and I think THAT is kind of the thesis of the album right there. That feeling trapped by the world, the news, the information being fed to you, all of the horrors, how much bigger it is than you, how helpless and oppressive it feels. For Ogre, he'd spent, what, 20 years at this point making a career of speaking on all of those horrors? And to what end? Has anything changed for the better? Is there a point to this at all? Are we all completely useless?

#skinny puppy #i dont usually tag posts like this but im rly happy with this one sorry

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lemonavocado · 6 months ago

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i have something to say!!! about the differences between victor and elizabeth in the way they experience/express emotion, and what that means for the themes of gender in the novel

i briefly begun (began??) to talk about this in the tags of this post by the magnificent @frankingsteinery (i wanted to add this on to the original post but this ended up being kinda long) and i would like to clarify and expand upon what was said because i theorized a bunch of stuff unsubstantiated like an idiot 😭 raving under the cut

for context here are the tags that inspired my thoughts:

i left my little analysis in the tags because i was really just spitballing on the spot and when i do that i'm usually wrong 😭 but i'd actually find it fun to substantiate some of what i said w evidence from the text

to expand on my ramblings and robin's own additions in their reblog (with brilliant quotes that i did not even consider to search for because i am quite stupid). when i try to explain exactly how elizabeth and victor have differed in their approach to an early parentification role (elizabeth moreso in being groomed to emulate her mother in role and spirit, forced to remain domestic, unworldly, and unable to even entertain self-actualization, since the moment caroline dies she is the eldest female figure in the immediate family and must assume that role of maturity) (victor moreso in the fact that he literally. made a guy when he was like 20), i find this quote from alphonse quite telling:

"...but is it not a duty to the survivors that we should refrain from augmenting their unhappiness by an appearance or immoderate grief? Excessive sorrow prevents improvement or enjoyment, or even the discharge of daily usefulness, without which no man is fit for society."

victor immediately dismisses this advice as being:

"...totally inapplicable to my case; I should have been the first to hide my grief and console my friends, if remorse had not mingeled its bitterness, and terror its alarm, with my other sensations."

he acklowledges what is expected of him from society at large and actively claims himself incapable of it. he is not the reliable figure his family so desperately hoped could be upheld before they came to realize that he is really, irrevocably capricious and mentally unstable.

on the subject of the other quotes added, i think that in them we can see this shift in the family's perception of victor: they begin by expecting him to assume his prescribed role as the family's eldest man (besides alphonse cause he's old and useless) and caregiver, to be a stable and unshakeable foundation on which the family can always rely, but as victor remains on the trauma conga line and spirals into worsening mental health, the happiness of the family is reliant on victor's rapidly fluctuating states of health.

"Come, my dearest Victor; you alone can console Elizabeth..." (side note that after this quote he immediately starts taking about caroline, a bit of a freudian slip on alphonse's part in that he conflates caroline's very existence with a comforting and reliable disposition, and elizabeth is explicitly asked to 'take over' for caroline when she dies)

at the time alphonse writes this, henry (<3) has been purposefully concealing the extent of the "nervous fever" victor has suffered; alphonse is not aware of the trauma his son has undergone and how it has changed him, and so he automatically assumes that victor, upon returning home, now older and more educated, will embrace these expectations.

"'We all... depend on you, and if you are miserable, what must be our feelings?'"

at this point of the novel, however, elizabeth knows how mentally unstable victor is, and is begging him to come back happier than he left. everyone in the family at this point is so conscious and aware of victor's poor health, and thus his explosive and outwardly demonstrative emotions affect the family very deeply. in short their dependency on him shifts from perceiving him as a source of stability to perceiving him as a source of instability.

back to my original comparison!! jesus this is all over the place thank god i'm not an academic.

to reference alphonse's first quote that i referred to. it seems to me that elizabeth, unlike vic, takes alphonse's advice in stride. contrast victor's response to alphonse's quote with this description of elizabeth:

"She indeed veiled her grief, and strove to act the comforter to us all. She looked steadily on life, and assumed it's duities with courage and zeal."

indeed, she demonstrates this; victor often describes her as handling her grief in silence (literal silence, but ykwim):

"...a thousand conflicting emotions rendered her mute, and she bade me a tearful, silent farewell."

"...I turned to contemplate the deep and voiceless grief of my Elizabeth."

in fact, the only time she comes close to being as expressive as victor is when she blames herself for the death of william, and in part her extreme reaction stems from the fact that she percives herself as having failed the duty that her mother bestowed upon her - it is unmotherly to allow such a thing to occur under her watchful, feminine eye.

even in childhood they had a very stark difference in temperament, elizabeth's more traditionally and overtly masculine:

"Elizabeth was of a calmer and more concentrated disposition, but, with all my ardor, I was capable of a more intense application..."

and, especially for a female character, she defies the will of her father several times:

"At first I attempted to prevent her, but she persisted, and entering the room where it lay..."

"Soon after we heard that the poor victim had expressed a desire to see my cousin. My father wished her not to go..."

all this considered, i don't think it's much of a stretch to say that while it should be vic's role, elizabeth is the "man of the house" (a sexist idea in its own right, but im communicating this in terms i think mary shelley might have intended).

tldr i just think this is such a fascinating exploration of family dynamics in frankenstein, and a brilliant portrayal of two opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to people dealing with the undue parental and familial responsibilities they are made to uphold in youth. the lack of academic attention these themes have attracted is absolutely bonkers to me. anyway elizabeth the girlboss and victor the malewife <3

#frankenstein #literary analysis #avo's soap box #this has been in my drafts for a few hours and i was gonna mull over it more but i accidentally posted it 😭#so its staying up now i guess #im reading over this and #im realizing that i literally said. nothing #eh it's too late now

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justa-smalltown-gargoyle · 8 months ago

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Hey batman/batfam people, I wanted to talk about something. I know this might not be received well, but...this is my blog. So if you disagree with me, feel free to block me! Literally that's what's great about this site. (I've been trying to do so on my end, but I thought I'd reach out a bit.....idk maybe try to form some understanding?)

I have been a batman fan since like...age 13 or something. Batman as a character means so fucking much to me, as does all his kids and massive extended family. (can't forget Alfred, Kate, Lucius, and Jeff Gordon!!) And I know that they mean a lot to you guys too.

In comic book and fandom spaces we talk a lot about misrepresentation of characters in fandom, but even in "canon" or rather published/produced content. I have beef with a lot of live action adaptions of Batman for example.

The thing with comic book characters, even more than some fandoms/pieces of media, is that there is SO MUCH content out there, that two people can say they like this one character but those two versions might be in total contradiction. But does that make one right over the other? does that make one superior?

Now, I hate Ben Affleck's Batman. And to fans of his, I'd say, you want the punisher, not Batman, because to me, that goes against who Batman is fundamentally. I read the comics, watch a lot of the animated stuff, and formed my own opinion and version of Batman. However, and this seems to be a controversial take, i really enjoy Wayne Family Adventures.

I see a lot of hate on here for WFA (and on tiktok but they're another beast), which, it's not for everyone, that's okay! Not everyone has to like what I like. But what I don't agree with, is that people who like WFA are seen as "not true batman fans", "they haven't ever read a comic". "they only like the flat fanon versions of the characters", etc.

These comments I would like to rebut- some comic readers such as myself might enjoy WFA. There might be people that have never read a comic or even watched anything batman related but like WFA. Are they not valid to enjoy that and have their own fandom for that? Are they not allowed to be fans of Batman?

I also would ask, how much of WFA did you actually read? In it's nature, it's suppose to be the bat family on their time off, or more light stories, but it actually addresses things like Jason's trauma, Duke moving in to the Manor, Damian struggling to fit in at school, things like that. Now if you read pretty far and still didn't like the portrayal of the characters, that's fine, I'm not asking you to change your opinion, however I am asking you to make space for those who do enjoy it, or that WFA is their first introduction or only experience with the Batman and co.

WFA isn't perfect, but it holds a special place in my heart, and gives me more content for Not Perfect but Trying and Cares Dad Bruce Wayne which I am grateful for. And tbh I feel like it just shows other sides to the characters we don't see that often!

And again, obvi people have their opinions, I guess I'm just asking for us to be more aware and create a space where people can feel free and excited to talk about these characters that we all love. I enjoy content and discussions I see in the tags and different blogs but then I see the hate for WFA fans and it just puts a real damper on otherwise really good content.

Anyways, thanks for reading!

#maddy if you see this i know this is dumb but i had to talk about it #batfam #batman #dc #fandom #and like we all agree we don't like male fantasy batman right?#i mean maybe some do #idk #also again yeah i could block everyone that disagrees and i do that sometimes but i dont want to do that all the time #and yakno #im gonna say it #getting mad at people for only reading wfa and not the comics its giving dude bro #do you really want to be that way #so do we think this was how the ancient greeks were about their gods or no #because tbh comics and mythology are very similar #anyways

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corruptedfilessys · 1 month ago

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DISCLAIMER

This is simply an awareness post!! If you still wanna support c0stiffen or whatnot, that's fine, and I'll try my best to respect that. I simply wanna share my experiences with them and a few of their friends.

If you're an adult, you can move over to a document that I have made that includes all important information WITH screenshots and evidence.

ADULTS ONLY

If you're a minor, this post is a quick run down of what's in the document without showing anything inappropriate.

Simply explained, c0stiffen and I exchanged NSFW art and conversations whilst they were an adult, and I was 16 (and then newly 17). These include art clearly depicting sexual acts with genitals that we both drew. The ones they drew and 2 of mine were specifically of their Giarven AU (in this AU, they're supposed to be adults!)

Due to the sensitivity of this subject, I can't show proof of this here. Everything is in the document for ADULTS.

This is not to point all the fingers at c0stiffen. I did a lot of dumb stuff throughout the situation too, I should have been more responsible. Not only have other ppl (mostly minors) seen my nsfw art, many went on to do the same. One even made a whole NSFW server full of minors (c0stiffen wasn't a part of it, I don't think there were any adults there.) I feel disgusted with myself, I wish I never did this to begin with. I can't help but despise myself. I should have just left at that moment and I'm sorry.

This is not a guilt trip, I'm afraid it'll come off as that, unfortunately.

What I can show is proof of them purposefully deleting these drawings, as currently, there's only one left. That one I believe they forgot to delete as it's isolated from every other art.

I should point out that I don't usually draw NSFW. Those pictured were some of my last ones, I made a few others around the same time and that was it. I drew 2 pieces of NSFW before this entire situation for myself only as I struggle with sexual trauma and I use it to cope. I never intended on making so many and I shouldn't have done that as a minor. Truth be told, it made me feel seen and special. Every piece got me so much attention and I didn't want it to end, it felt nice.

Something I can share as it's not sexually driven are situations where C0stiffen hurt me, knew they hurt me and still refused to apologise.

Situation 1

When I was still talking to c0stiffen, I remember them getting pretty carried away with their opinions on things. At that point it felt like it was their life goal to insult my comfort character. For context, my comfort character is Sada and over the months she just became more and more special to me, often being my only source of comfort. I won't delve into this too much, in short, I think she's misunderstood, she is extremely flawed but not evil.

C0stiffen made it pretty apparent that they hated her and never failed to remind me. In each of costiffen's AUs Arven canonically despised his mother, they even made up a lie how Sada ‘intentionally starved Arven’ and that it's confirmed to be canon. Many role plays we did of them generally stressed me out, but that's my fault for not speaking out. I inserted my version of Sada into one of heir AUs (Arven is a Prince, Sada is a queen, etc), they even made art of her

C0stiffen proceeded to mischaracterize her and make her into a bad mother again. Saying she's a bad mother for leaving her kids when literally the lore was she was about to be killed and had to flee, but I digress.

I approached c0stiffen about this as I was genuinely getting hurt, and I wanted to talk to them:

They were nice about it, I'm not saying they weren't. But not once did I get a single apology for them simply lying about her and freely hating her in front of me as if I'm not bothered by that. Also I genuinely believed my Sada was supposed to be the ‘canon’ version, I was never informed she wasn't, I don't know whether this is a lie or the truth. Take it with a grain of salt.

I'm not saying c0stiffen has to love or even like Sada, I don't care if they hate her, I wanted them to keep it to themselves and not share that hatred in spaces where I was and felt safe in. Those servers in particular were the ones I was most active in at that time. C0stiffen’s Sada and Turo are mostly based on their own parents from what they said, which is fine, but again, I don't wanna be around that.

It isn't overreacting if I'm simply stating my boundaries. And I think I deserve an apology for having my feelings ignored like this.

I'm gonna make a response to something c0stiffen said at one time. Apparently I was ‘angry’ when they said “Giacomo's mom > Sada”

Simply said, I wasn't angry, I was more hurt than angry and they have no right to shame me for that. I was simply hurt because of all the other things that were stacked onto it.

Maybe I was jealous, I just really wanted MY VERSION of Sada, who feels like an oc I had for years, to be loved like every other character. But just because of the stupid canon story, she can't. I tried so hard, I bent over backwards to get them to love at least my version of her. I'm sure if I gave the same exact story to a completely original oc instead, even them would be treated better than this.

I don't need c0 to like Sada, but I feel like they're blinded by the canon to just notice mine is different. They hate Sada so much they can't put that hate away for even an AU version that helped their friend feel loved and safe and that's what hurts so much. They treat her like the canon one and they treat that one like shit already. They need to accept the fact that they can't just dump on someone's comfort character and expect the person to not be upset. No matter how much I'll hate a character I won't make up petty lies about them to make them appear worse especially in front of someone who really likes said character, even worse if said person relates to the character. It's gonna make them feel incredibly shitty about themselves.

Apologies for the heated section.

Situation 2

During the end of July me and a friend got into a petty fight about a headcanon and I ended up leaving the server we were in to cool off. I have problems with my emotions and it's impossible to regulate them sometimes, I feel them physically, whenever I'm upset I feel genuine pain and I can't calm down. To deal with this I learned a flight strategy of just fleeing the situation to calm down and fixing stuff when I'm more grounded. I was hoping people understood that, even if they wouldn't, I was perfectly fine explaining it once I was feeling better.

The next day when I felt better, I planned on apologizing and explaining why I acted the way I did.

Long story short, multiple people cut contact with me, many people I trusted and called friends, no one wanted to hear my side of the story, everyone heard out Paltic (now former friend) who spread false rumors around me and screenshots that were taken out of context. Such as that I was a creep for sending NSFW to minors as if others weren't doing the exact same thing and I in particular was being influenced by an adult. Paltic is C0stiffen’s friend. I was struggling a lot mentally and even had a failed suicide attempt, I was easily irritated and exploded at people a lot.

When Paltic posted a “call out” post on me that was filled with what I said, things when taken out of context make me look like a bad person, etc. He called me awful for things his friends did too, but didn't call them out on it. He filled my partner with lies and that made them leave me, thinking I was a bad person. C0stiffen still failed to see how Paltic could be bad for doing this.

I made a response, which was pretty heated, I made an updated one later on. But that day C0stiffen dmed me that I should ‘stop’. That I was stressing them and everyone out, telling me that “they thought they were my friend” telling me how badly this is affecting them mentally as if I wasn't the one struggling the most in this situation. I was losing people I felt like I couldn't live without, there was a post about me that could potentially ruin my life when I did nothing wrong. I apologized for anything I genuinely did wrong.

I need to add something onto this

C0stiffen/Paltic like to use this moment to say I was comparing our traumas/using traumas against them, I wasn't doing that and in fact it was never on my mind to begin with. I brought up something that happened to them a while ago hoping it would help them see how I was feeling as the situations were similar. I wasn't thinking clearly at that time, but that's no excuse and I shouldn't have done that.

I apologized to them multiple times, at first I didn't want to as that's something they never did to me, but I wanted to do the right thing.

I wanna point out, I'm in no way saying I'm the greatest friend or person. I'm far from that, I am flawed, I do bad stuff, I hurt people (unintentionally). I have a lot of things to work on as someone whose mental health problems impact everything in their life such as behavior.

But I'm not a bad person, never did I truly had horrible intentions and wanted to hurt somebody just for the sake of simply hurting somebody. I explode, I say things I'm not proud of when I'm provoked, but nothing of those I would actually say if I was just given the chance to calm down and deal with it calmly.

It's hard to have a friend like me simply because of how much care I need, and I'm sorry for that. I'm never gonna force someone to be my friend, but I want to end on good terms. I don't see the point in treating a mentally ill person like a bad person simply because they happen to be ill and for no better reason otherwise. There's better ways to go about this than make the person feel like worthless trash. I wanna be told if I do something bad, I'm so used to my symptoms that there's times when I genuinely don't notice that I could be doing something wrong. I wanna take accountability for my own mental illness, but I'm not being given a chance to do that calmly. I am forced to admit I'm a bad person whilst everyone else are angels even though they're far from being innocent.

I don't wanna be treated like a bad person simply for experiencing symptoms I can't control or being influenced by a third party. As friends I hoped they would help me grow and deal with these things.

If they don't wanna do that, they should have calmly ended the friendship, not that they spread false rumors of me, make people hate me, and then treat me like I don't exist as if that's not gonna make me feel like I don't deserve to be fucking alive.

Conclusion

I wholeheartedly believe c0stiffen or their friends are gonna contact me in their defence. To that, I say, get the hell away from me. You aren't innocent, stop acting like it and take the fucking fault for once. I didn't start any of this.

My DMs are closed to trusted friends only for my safety. Please respect that.

#c0stiffen #I'm tired of all of this

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altschmerzes · 1 year ago

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hey saw ur comment on the man city fix it fic ab Jamie’s fathers death & was wondering what u disliked ab the Jamie’s mum and Simon part? not judging or anything im just curious!!

yeaaaaaaah so! from what ive seen at least this is a not particularly common opinion which is fine, im aware i have some particular biases and priorities and whatnot in this area, but it just… i didnt like that stuff at all. it really put me off actually, for a couple reasons. i'll get into why, but i know a lot of people like Really Loved that stuff and especially his mom - and it also gets a little down on season 3 and the writing team as a whole at some points lmao - so i'll put it under a cut.

(this got. very long. im so sorry.)

it basically boils down to a couple things: 1. what they presented us with doesn't hold water if poked literally at all in any direction, 2. it made me feel a little uncomfortable given the way everything else in jamie's arc played out, and 3. if they were going to do something like this, they needed WAY more time and narrative space to execute it well in general and specifically for ME to execute it in a way that didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.

there are a few things that i generally dread when you have a character who's presented to have some serious trauma related to their family and specifically to an abusive parent, and one of those things is the sudden inclusion of another parent in there who is just. everything is totally fine and normal and happy and not at all complicated with them! it always makes me feel weird and bad when that happens, especially when there is no explanation provided for how that like. fits in with the abuse we know they experienced as well. that is a matter of personal preference, and i can own that. i just don't like it, and it makes me feel weird and uneasy. and that's part of it here, but what's also part of it is that i think that - my personal feelings about this type of character choice overall aside - they did not execute it well given the story they'd already presented us with, the way they used these new characters, and how much time they spent on it.

the image they presented of jamie's mom and stepdad is like… very simple and positive and shiny and uncomplicated. it's just good. they just love and support him and are a positive and affectionate active presence. and that might seem like an unfair characterization of it because we saw very little and we know very little of what their relationship is actually like - we don't know what might be complicated, what might be messy, how often they talk, etc - but that’s honestly part of my issue here. we were given a sliver of a glimpse into jamie's mom and his relationship with her and his stepdad when jamie as a character is someone who is hugely defined by his family history and the baggage and trauma and danger associated with it. if they were going to do this, they needed to spend way more time on it. they needed to introduce her earlier, do something to make it jive with what we were already presented about her: some vague mentions, half of which were in past tense, and all of which seemed to imply very strongly that if she were alive (which there was a lot of confusion about!) then they were likely to some degree estranged, because it seemed pretty clear with the 'i don't know if she would be [proud] lately' bit that he literally did not know what she thought of him in recent years. and like. it seems like i'm nitpicking, but again, this is a character who has been so strongly based in and defined by his family and the like. past and current danger and trauma associated with it.

especially given how little time or attention was given to everything else with his family, it was just way too late in the game to introduce these characters and be able to do them and their relationship with the existing characters justice. like you’ve already got a complicated story you’re skipping most of and not giving its due do you really need to add more really complicated stuff in there. and then just go actually it's not complicated don't worry about it :) like. that just doesn't work for me.

so that's where i'm at like, not only do i inherently dislike this sort of element introduced with this type of character, which is a me problem, i also think the story they presented in that episode with his mom and simon just flat out didn't make sense and they did not have the time to make it make sense even if they'd tried, which they didn't. like... if things are just fine and normal and easy with them and she’s just great and loving and supportive it’s like i. So What Happened, Then.

it makes his entire arc make less sense. if she's just Been Here what happened? why did he need to be reminded that not EVERYONE in his life was out to get him? why did keeley have to tell him to stop battling everyone that was just trying to help him? why is he so isolated and adrift at the beginning of season two? why did she never attend a single match? why did we never see him text or call or mention her in a contemporary way? like there COULD be answers to those things that make sense with what they presented, but we didn't get any of those answers and those are big questions to me given they comprise like... all of jamie's character arc lmao. at the end of the day, throwing in the stuff with his mom feels... really disrespectful to the story they wrote with him (that they already fell down on the job with) to just throw that in there with no consideration or attention paid to how it fits with or impacts anything already established.

i truly don't think that every question needs to be answered in a story. i am not saying that. i'm not saying someone needed to turn to the audience and go here's the logistic details of exactly how and when everything that happened with jamie and his parents happened. but there are some serious issues with like, telling a coherent story, and utilizing the extremely limited narrative space that a secondary character in an ensemble show can be afforded. (especially when in season three it really felt like they were already racing through characters and plot lines and backstory stuff like the goal was to just drop info just to Have It and then never address or do anything with it at all.) why did they do that, is what i keep going back to. you're telling a story with very limited space and a lot of characters. so what was the reason for that stuff to be there? so that someone could lay the 'yea he was a dick but he made you into this person! you're so strong now!' foundation for ted telling jamie to forgive his dad and 'disappointed teacher face' him into saying 'thank you' after the 'fuck you'? or was it just fanservice that you didn't think needed to fit with the rest of the story narratively or thematically? because that's where i keep going back to as well.

it just... and this is the bitchier, more spiteful part of me saying this, the part that was PROFOUNDLY let down by the way they handled the aspects of jamie's arc to do with his family and with the abuse he suffered, but it feels like an attempt to use happy sparkly fanservice-y funny and feel-good scenes with his adorable mom and sweet stepdad to like. pull way back on the rest of his whole situation with his family like see no he’s fine! isn’t it great how funny and adorable his mom is! isnt his stepdad fun! everything is fine actually things with his dad are just ~complicated because james drinks :) (and then all he needs to do about that is grow up and forgive, he's just a melodramatic mama's boy, the pain is his fault and he'll be fine once he Forgives, and rehab fixes everything). i don't have some kind of conspiracy that this was their actual reasoning but that's how it hit to me - whoops we don't actually want to deal with the abuse so we're gonna sweep it way under the couch and look! see! here's his cute fun mom isn't she great! (He's Fine Don't Worry About It, His Family Is Actually Sooooo Supportive!)

but yeah that's the bitchy and unfair part of me so. that's not really my main point.

(i also gotta say everything about that sequence with jamie and company at his mom's house feels like... tissue paper thin and very fucking weird from both a narrative and a logistical point of view. the stuff with the actual people of his mom and stepdad aside, what the hell was up with his room? what was that poster of keeley doing there. when did that go up. how old was he when he put it there. yeah she's older than him by a fair bit but not THAT much older. and if he was putting it up as like, a teenager or something, why is the rest of that room decorated for a seven year old. parents preserve their kids rooms like shrines this is true but the idea of a like, jamie in his mid/late teens or whatever putting that poster of keeley up but also sleeping in a little kid's bed still is like... did you think about this at all. it really does not seem like you did. At All. it just goes to my spiteful fringe theory about that whole sequence which is “oh this is pure 100% gratuitous backpatting fanservice that nobody actually thought about in any real way whatsoever”)

sorry this got so long but i have a lot of thoughts on this and they get kicked up every time i see posts gushing about how much people loved georgie or those scenes or whatnot like everyone is of course entitled to their opinion and i don't hold it against anyone! but that stuff hit way different for me and just added insult to injury in an episode that generally seemed to handle jamie and his situation in a way i found cringeworthy and weird at best and offensive and victim blaming at worst.

#gav gab #gav answers #ted lasso spoilers #abuse cw #long post #augh. anyways. if you disagree with me on this you don't really need to tell me so i know most of the fandom like #loved that stuff #and please dont yell at me (general request)#just giving some thoughts as they were Asked For #and i appreciate you asking anon!! i like talking about my thoughts and opinions on stuff #even if it makes me nervous lmao

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ca-suffit · 4 months ago

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Checked out nightcolorz. First thing I see in bio? "People have started calling me the Armand expert". Second thing I see? An ask by lesbian4armand complaining about show fans not liking Devil's Minion enough (It's literally the second most popular ship on Ao3). Posts about Louis? None that I saw. Posts about Claudia? None that I saw. I said oh I'm sure 👍🏿

P. S. I thought your responses wrt Louis and abuse were rly good. I'm not sure how they could have been answered differently without like lying? But after well over a year of this fuckass fandom I understand why even here other anons have their hackles up esp with that weird ass poll going around (mutual abuse sound to me like he was physically defending his daughter from her other father!) - 🦁

nightcolorz has been an ignorant book fan for a while but I still had awareness of moments where change seemed possible and I *was* hoping for the best. it seems he's not interested in that fr tho so ig hope he enjoys saying embarrassingly obvious antiblack shit on main bcuz he's about to be known for being the expert in that the most.

re: the abuse stuff. thank u, first of all. I still understand why ppl are touchy about it but there's only so much I can say as a disclaimer about things. this is what ppl need to understand about what racist fan spaces do to everything. ppl are so used to the same shitty talking points that even when u try to talk honestly about a character in full, it's upsetting and ppl make assumptions based on the racist takes we're all used to. it sucks. that's why I wrote a follow up bcuz I'm not trying to be a super bitch. I *do* understand the thought process here. however, there's still only so much I can add to a post before I'm trying to just talk about the main point.

on its own, I love the whole "memory is a monster" thing in relation to abuse, trauma, and immortality, but holy fuck did it do a number on this fandom. all bcuz the main character they decided to lay this heavy on is a traumatized black man largely talking about a white man who everyone now defends to death for no reason. I can't even post all the bad takes I see anymore bcuz it's the same ppl saying the same shit for the six thousandth time. everything's always a lie, we'll revisit *again* in S3 when the white guy is talking. I wish everyone would shut the fuck up already.

#asks #interview with the vampire #amc interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire amc #iwtv amc #amc iwtv #iwtv 2022 #louis de pointe du lac #fandom racism #antiblackness #abuse #nightcolorz

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sendpseuds · 1 year ago

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20 Questions for Fic Writers [DRUNK EDITION]

Okay so…

I was tagged by @yourfavoritefridge and answered all of these questions while very drunk last night and for reasons I’ve decided to just give you those answers.

{Obviously I wasn’t sober enough to format it with links and stuff so I have done a little after the fact but I’ll just mark all my sober updates with these fancy ass brackets, but for the most part, I left my drunk answers unaltered and did not elaborate. ENJOY!}

1.) How many works do you have on ao3?

28 [Holy shit]

{technically 29 now}

2.) What's your ao3 word count?

380,7555 [feels fake] {and not a number…}

{also it’s 380,918 now}

3.) What fandoms do you write for?

Apart from the first fic [which we will talk about in Q19] Star Wars

4.) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Haunted Heart {293 kudos | Anakin falls for the charming ghost haunting his house} {when I tell you I thought this fic would have less hits than it has kudos when I first posted it…}

Bound and Broken {252 kudos | Satine helps Obi-Wan through his trauma following the events of Kadavo }

I’ll Fall For You If… {241 kudos | Bartender Anakin helps widower Obi-Wan set up his dating profile}

Go Fuck Yourself Obi-Wan [WHAT THE FUCK!? I love you freaks] {239 kudos | When a young padawan Kenobi finds himself in the future, Obi-Wan gets to know himself on a… deeper level}

Your Highness {237 kudos | Obi-Wan and Satine during the year on the run. The beginning of a long running series}

5.) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Not recently, and I’m trying really hard not to feel bad about it. MORE WHEN YOURE SOBER

6.) What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Bound and Broken or Haunted Heart

HonorableM: Curiosity Killed the Commander & Homecoming

7.) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The Resolute Theater Presents

8.) Do you get hate on fics?

Not really? I’ve gotten the errant comment here and there, there has been a lot of asks about getting back to EIYWT which… ANSWER WHEN YOURE SOBER

9.) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I love this question.

It’s the weirdest question.

I know a few other mutuals have pointed it out, and I want to be clear, I don’t mean it in a bad way, but this is a weird question in a way that I LOVE.

YES.

Yes, I write smut.

It’s pretty much all I write…

But WHAT KIND???

Oh fuck.

I write the kind of smut that will make you squirm in your seat and chew your lip as tears stream down your flushed cheeks.

I will make you feel things, and then I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL THINGS

{I’m fine. This is fine}

10.) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Have not.

Have considered X-Files x Star Wars but I think that’s more of an AU than a crossover

[in case anyone is interested]

11.) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of!

12.) Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so, but I mean— That would be incredible

13.) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

ANSWER WHEN YOURE SOBER

14.) What's your all time favorite ship?

ALL TIME!?

I don’t fucking know, ANSWER SOBER

15.) What's a WIP you'd like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

This question makes me itchy. SKIP

16.) What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm still finding them. And I mean that in the best way.

I think maybe my strength is that I’m learning to just write the way I write?

I’m finding a way to tell the stories I’ve always heard in my mind and to my absoltute fucking astonishment — there are people who like the stories in my head…

I’m learning to ignore everything I ever learned about writing. I’m learning to just listen to that weird rhythm that has always been in my head and just TELL THE FUCKING STORY [sometimes literally] {gods I hate myself}

I don’t know.

I think…

I think I’m a good story teller.

I think I can tell a complete story, both short and long.

I think I’ve always been able to do this — usually out loud, I’m very good at giving speeches and entertaining people but I’ve always been good at telling stories. Nothing frustrates me more than a poorly told drunken shenanigan, or a wedding speech with bad story structure…

Okay this is getting pretentious

READ THIS WHEN YOURE SOBER

ANYWAY

Yeah… even though I’ve written stories with open endings, stories that could have a follow up, stories that leave you wanting more — they’re all still complete stories. You don’t NEED to know more, you can imagine the rest yourself.

And isn’t that the best part?

17.) What are your writing weaknesses?

I’m sure I have a lot.

I choose not to think about them…

…

That’s not true but if I think about it too might I’ll tear myself apart so I’m gonna say that I’m a terrible speller and MOVE ON

18.) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I am not at all confident enough for this.

Fictional or not.

I mean, I’m totally into it! I’ll read it all day!

I’m not confident enough to write it [myself]

19.) First fandom you wrote for?

WOLF 359!!!

YOU GUYS!

THIS AUDIODRAMA WILL BREAK YOUR HEART

AND THE FIRST THING I EVER WROTE WAS A THREESOME WITH A FUCKING CENTIENT SPACESTATION AND TWO OF HER CREW AND I AM STILL VERY PROUd oh fuck I just realized caps lock was still on I’m gonna… yeah okay.

^^^READ SOBER

{the fic in question}

20.) Favorite fic you've ever written?

Fuck me,

Um.

Probably Haunted Heart. {I still think about this fic on a daily basis…}

BUT

Can I shout out another fic I’m really proud of?

A Very Strange Time in My Life {a really short, really weird first person story loosely inspired by Fight Club}

{well folks… I hope you enjoyed this weird look into my drunk brain!}

#the things i do for internet approval #honestly #20 questions #writer questions #drunk answers #ask game

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applestorms · 1 year ago

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EVANGELION.

context: i just (as in, within an hour of beginning this post) finished watching evangelion, including both the tv series & the end of evangelion the movie. i have not read the manga, or watched any of the remake (?) movies yet (though i plan to shortly). my brain is thus running at like mach 10 rn trying to keep all of these thoughts in order, so to preserve these initial reflections while they're still fresh, here is the evangelion post. no worries if you're following me for other stuff, we'll be back to regular programming soon enough, but i can't let this shit stew on my own for much longer.

SUMMARY: 7 sections, on agency, sartre, shounen expectations, freud & generational trauma, queer shit, hope, & anime budgets. obvious spoiler warning.

1. agency (does shinji actually have any choices?)

this idea is one of the first to stand out to me while watching, and was also the most personally satisfying to watch develop since it only gained relevancy throughout the series + held major significance in EoE.

essentially: every single time that shinji has a "darkest hour" moment throughout the series, typically revolving around him not wanting to fight/kill/destroy/etc. while piloting the eva, someone around him will tell him that it is his decision whether or not he wants to continue fighting. most often this person is misato, though there is also an instance of kaji doing it in the later part of the show. significantly, while this "choice" is always framed as a decision that shinji himself is allowed to make, to join their forces and fight or not, it is very clearly not actually a decision at all- even ignoring the obvious...emotional stress of telling a 14 year old that he can either get back in the goddamn robot no matter how traumatizing it is to him and fight or single-handedly cause the extinction of humanity, shinji can never truly leave nerv and this only becomes more apparent the more time that passes.

that's all quite obvious in my mind, but what's notable here is the progression, both in terms of how the decision itself is presented to him, and how the continual fake-out of giving shinji any actual agency carves at his psyche.

in terms of the first, it is very clear, above all else, that shinji absolutely does not want to fight in the fuckign robot, which is demonstrated through the fact that every single time he is given the "choice" to leave, he takes it and runs away, no matter how dire the situation is. shinji does not want to be a shounen protagonist, dammit, but time and time again he is dragged back into the same position and, most importantly, taught that his choices mean nothing. from the first few episodes where he runs away from home, to EoE where misato drags him through a parking lot and throws him into an elevator while telling him to fight, time and time again shinji's agency is violently taken away from him in the name of the continuation? transformation? of humanity, and i think that from his complete lack of desire to do literally anything in EoE we can tell he is aware of this.

what's really significant about all of this, then, is the way that this message influences the few instances where shinji actually does have some semblance of agency. in particular, i'm thinking about the gay angel (THE GAY ANGEL) and the ending of EoE.

so, first: the gay angel. kaworu. i say "semblance of agency," since shinji is kind of just given the same decision here as everywhere else, but this one is presented pretty & executed (ouch) pretty differently so i wanna talk about it.

kaworu is a very different character from everyone else in the cast for the primary reason that he is not particularly caught up in his own bullshit. he shows up at a time when shinji basically has no one (the trust "darkest hour" of the whole series, really) and is notable in that he openly and easily gives him love and time when no one else is really able to. this could in part be attributed to his status as an angel, but i think it goes further too- more on this in the section about generational trauma.

anyways, the decision to kill kaworu is phrased very differently from the previous "choices" offered to shinji by misato. rather than telling shinji that he has a choice in the same vague terms as before, to fight or not fight, kaworu kinda just tells him straight up- either he can kill kaworu, the one person who mutually loves and cared for him at a time when literally no one else was able to and thereby give humanity a chance at continuation, or he can hold off and let kaworu live but cause the destruction he has been pulled into staving off for the entire series. loneliness or annihilation- those are shinji's two choices here, and kaworu is very open about which one he prefers, citing the good that humanity has brought forward. i actually think that misato is wrong in her interpretation of this scene (lots of misato slander here whoops, i swear i love her)- kaworu isn't offering up his life here out of a lack of care for himself, but rather an overwhelming care for shinji as an individual and humanity as a collective.

from shinji's perspective though, this is basically the same agonizing moral dilemma he has been forced to "decide" for the last 16 angels, and he knows by this point what the answer is supposed to be. it's what's so truly tragic about this moment to me- even if kaworu meant this to be a genuine decision for shinji to make, accepting the consequences of his choice fully either way, shinji was never going to be able to see it that way after having the "correct" answer forced upon him again and again. he might be able to scramble for a justification in the aftermath, rationalizing it as his own (supposedly) disgusting need for validation, but he was never actually allowed to decide any other way and he knows it. even if shinji would ultimately choose in favor of the continuation of humanity & continue fighting, the decision itself is so tainted* by this point that it doesn't really matter, since no one could ever really know the truth.

*(this lack of a decision could also be attributed to an inability for anyone to truly trust shinji- see section 2 on sartre for more on this dissonance.)

there is, however, one instance where shinji truly is given an actual choice, which coincidentally also includes kaworu but also rei at the end of EoE. here the choice is a bit different though, instead being between the continuation of humanity in its collective, gelatinous blob state or broken back up into separate entities.

since humanity has already been eradicated (hey callback to kaworu's presence marking the ultimate end of humanity, he came back for more than just to comfort shinji & be a thematic parallel to denote his "true" choices), i think shinji is able to view this decision much more clearly and thus seems a lot more satisfied with his ultimate choice. there's a lot of nuances to this of course, as evidenced by the ending with asuka, but past that i think the fact that both the tv series & EoE end with shinji coming to some sort of satisfied (if mostly theoretical) conclusion that seems to leave him with a marginally happier emotional state is pretty meaningful, especially considering just how little emotional development these characters go through in general (see sections 3 & 4).

what's particularly satisfying about all this though is the fact that shinji seems to actually engage with this idea himself in one of previously mentioned conclusions. the ending of the tv show is essentially just shinji realizing that he does in fact have agency and has had it all along, even if not in the biggest/most overwhelming situations he was forced into. personally, i read this as shinji not only becoming consciously aware of his own learned helplessness, but also the fact that he has actually been making decisions for himself all along and is able to continue doing so, that he can take back his agency for himself through the conscious decision to keep making meaningful connections with others- a very beauvoirean conclusion, which is gonna become real significant real fast as we get into this next section. up next: sartre.

2. sartre (shinji/asuka/rei as no exit, ft. good place parallels)

no exit is a 1944 existentialist play written by the french philosopher jean-paul sartre. in it, three people (two women, & one man, by the names of estelle, inez, and garcin) are sent to hell and locked in a room together, destined to torture one another for the rest of eternity. the most well known line from it is likely "Hell is other people," a conclusion the character garcin comes to near the end of the play as the group realizes the truth of their circumstances.

there are some obvious connections here- the three main characters from no exit pretty easily map onto the three main pilots (estelle -> asuka, garcin -> shinji, and more lightly inez -> rei). the cycle of torture even follows as well, with a possible interpretation of the pilots' dynamic being that asuka tortures shinji (see section 5; tldr it's all the degradation), rei tortures asuka (her silence heightening asuka's insecurities), and shinji tortures rei (less obvious, but hinted at through things like rei's emotional attachment to shinji which seems to at least scare her for how strange it is).

past that though, the sartrean elements of this story become super fucking clear in the last few episodes, coming down to two big ideas that shinji frets over: freedom as a curse, and hell as other people.

the "condemnation of freedom," idea is kind of tied up with the whole shinji agency thing discussed in section 1, and since i don't think i can elaborate on it much more here without doing a whole deep dive on the philosophy, i'll just focus on the second idea, especially since it's one of the emotional cores that the story revolves around.

the idea that "hell is other people," as stated by garcin in the original play really comes down to one main factor and that is the dissonance between how we view ourselves & how other people view us. in the show, this is presented through the hedgehog allegory (also related to western philosophy but i know sartre better so i'm gonna keep talking about him here) and the idea that in the process of getting closer to one another we also hurt each other more, but i think the sartrean idea lends a bit more light onto the whole conflict of perspectives thing that the hedgehog idea along misses out on.

it's pretty clear imo that shinji has some kind of social anxiety, or at the very least is dealing with a lot of the normal anxiety that comes with growing up and beginning to desire validation (from your peers, from your guardians, etc.). the entire point of EoE as a film and seemingly the very basis for the concept of AT fields is the idea that humanity is separate, with individual humans never being able to truly connect with one another. ignoring the more esoteric & absurd ways this is portrayed in-movie, this idea is pretty easy to get on board with- relationships change over time, people fight and become close and fall apart, and that is largely just a natural fact of life. again, the inability to accept this fact is going to be examined more in section 4, but i think shinji is key in connecting the hedgehog thing to sartre.

near the end of EoE, when everyone is getting exploded into orange goop and melted into the human soup, it is notable that the way everyone gets incorporated is by a rei transforming into the person that they seem to have wanted to connect with the most (shinji's dad with his mom, but also maya w/ akagi and hyuga w/ misato), again tying back to that theme of desiring a more "true"/deeper connection between people. at the end of the tv series, however, this is slightly different due to the look we get into shinji's mind. specifically, shinji doesn't just desire a relationship (platonic, romantic, and/or sexual) or validation from other people, but is caught up in the way that he is perceived by others. the separation between people is thus torturous to him not in how it means he can't truly connect with other people, but in how he can't control the ways that other people view or understand or react to him.

i think this is a part of why shinji seems to have a much easier time with his end decision in EoE- despite all the underlying freudian psychosexual development shit that permeates through some of the weirder parts of NGE, shinji seems to me to care a lot more about how other people view him than the specific types of connections he is able to make, e.g. he still considers his relationship with asuka to be a key point of meaning in his life, despite how turbulent/messy it is. for a kid who struggled with social interactions a lot growing up, any deeper connection is pretty meaningful to him by this point, and it shows. this also could be attributed to being a part of the greater influence of kaworu, as the fact that he cared so deeply and so meaningfully about shinji (and the opposite as well) may have been proof to him that any "deeper" connections aren't really necessary or worthwhile, even before he got mixed up into the people soup.*

*ALSO: didn't think about this until later, but there's also the whole process of connecting with the evas that the pilots have to go through to think about here.

**ALSO 2: if you didn't already know, the good place is also very overtly based on no exit. this means there's actually a kinda random parallel between tgp & evangelion in that they both happen to add a fourth individual through the introduction of a fourth dude (jason & kaworu respectively) that mixes shit up even more. neat.

so, speaking of the various endings:

3. the ending does make some sense, actually (dropping shounen expectations)

one of the things that i was most impressed by while watching evangelion, especially around the mid-point of the tv series around the time that asuka is introduced, is the fact that they were able to make what would otherwise be pretty standard anime fan service a genuinely meaningful part of the story's underlying themes, in particular those related to the freud shit (getting there soon, i promise) but also just the general connections to biology and humanity and development.

i don't think evangelion should be watched or understood like a traditional shounen show, and in fact it kind of goes against the underlying emotional core of story to try and force that kind of reading onto it. like, okay, take shinji for example- like i said a couple sections back, one of shinji's key character traits is the fact that he doesn't want to be a fucking shounen protagonist and hates being forced into that position, but keeps getting dragged back to nerv and EVA 01 anyway.

i think it's notable that the few moments where shinji has what might be considered a "traditional" epic shounen hero moment could very easily be read as not even being shinji's own actions in the first place, but the eva itself due to them 1. not showing shinji's face during the moment, just his fear before and trauma after, and 2. being motivated by shinji's extreme fear, giving more of the vibe of a mother protecting her child than shinji making progress on his own.

none of the main cast really seem to go through any super significant character development throughout the entirety of both the show and movie, actually- the closest we get is whatever the hell rei was doing and the breakthroughs in thought that shinji has at the very very end of either production, but that's about it.

what i think makes this important is the fact that it points towards what the actual emotional core that the show centers around. what sets evangelion apart from other shounen shows, imo, is the fact that it takes a hard look at the apocalyptic world that it created and really takes the time to reflect on how that kind of trauma would actually influence its characters. i haven't seen a ton of in-depth negative reviews of the ending of NGE, but i'm guessing that a major factor in the potential frustration with the ending is the fact that it drops a lot of the overt plot elements in favor of more a more abstract look into shinji's mind. but i think that look is entirely the point of the ending- it was never really about the robots, or at least not by the end of the series, so the ending focuses on the emotional payoff of at least one character instead to find the barest glimmer of hope leftover.

this is part of why i find kaworu to be such a significant character- one of the key conclusions that shinji seems to come to at the end of the tv series is the idea that "you have to love yourself in order to love other people," but i actually don't know if that's entirely true or even demonstrated in the series. kaworu is the first person to really demonstrate to shinji that he is capable of loving and being loved, and despite the tragedy of that relationship, i think it was a core part of shinji's eventual first step towards self-acceptance.

4. freud & generational trauma (everyone is ultimately just an abused child)

ok fuck it, i've been talking about this for ages, let's just fucking get to it already.

i'm nowhere near an expert on freud, really i only have a pretty baseline understanding (thanks to a high school ap psych class) of the psychosexual stages of development thing that the show references a lot in the later parts (the oral fixation thing w/ misato, etc.), so rather than looking into the details of that, i think the big thing here for me is how the use of freud influences the ideas that the show focuses on. namely, as we see through the last few episodes of the tv series: everyone is just a sad, traumatized, abused kid.

i also think that what the inclusion of all the freud shit ultimately does for this series is give it a big emphasis on biological human development and family relations, which feels especially significant in how it can tie into a more subtle, but imo still very important idea: generational trauma, told through the story of the end of the world.

what i like about this idea is that it's really where the story begins, chronologically in the timeline and in episode 1 with shinji & gendo. the idea then evolves and expands the more parent/child relationships we learn about, from misato and her father to asuka, akagi, and, at least in part, rei.

similar to how the series utilizes its religious themes & imagery to get back to the origins/sources of humanity (namely adam & lilith), i like to think of the second impact as the source of this initial trauma. because of the second impact, we are basically guaranteed that every single adult present in the series has dealt with some degree of trauma, though in many cases this expands to other things as well (e.g. gendo struggling with social connections & misato's tricky relationship with her father, both of which are established pre-impact).

what's really big though is how this initial trauma influences the next generation of kids, especially the main trio of eva pilots (& their respective mother-related machinery) but really all of their classmates as well. toji, to some degree kensuke, really every kid born after or around the time of the second impact seems to similarly deal with the echoes of this initial trauma. if you want to, you could maybe even relate back to the very first impact of the lilith egg as a source as well, each new impact being an echo of the previous through the continuation of generational traumas.

TLDR: the freud shit doesn't have to just be freud shit, the fucked up family relations can be read through the lens of generational trauma as well.

5. queer shit (THE GAY ANGEL)

when i say queer shit here i'm really talking about gender roles, which is ESPECIALLY important when talking about shinji's two main crushes: kaworu and asuka (sticking with those two for now since they're the most overt, but they're not necessarily the only ones you can read into btw).

the big thing here is that imo the main factor that makes shinji's relationship with asuka (in particular, but really all of the women in the show) so difficult is the weight that heterosexual relationships have. again, much of evangelion's imagery is heavily focused on biology, specifically in terms of development both as a baby is developed & in puberty, and i think that weight is felt in the awkward relationships shinji has with all the girls he's suddenly been surrounded by.

this is in part why i think it was so much easier for shinji to get on board with kaworu, and why the relationship itself was so meaningful to him- because there's no threat of MARRY A WOMAN BONE HAVE A CHILD REPRODUCE CONTINUE THE HUMAN RACE (the last one in particular being especially relevant in the post-apocalyptic hellscape they're all trapped in), shinji is able to focus entirely on the personal emotional aspects of the relationship and the ability to find meaning through human connection, which again is a very beauvoirean idea.*

*i think i kinda skipped over this in the sartre section but beauvoir was a contemporary of sartre that influenced a lot of his philosophy especially later on so the fact that shinji's end conclusion seems so reminiscent of beauvoir is very satisfying.

this is not to say that shinji's relationship with asuka or any of the women around him wasn't meaningful or revolving around genuine feelings on his part, just that the weight of social expectations particularly in the context of male/female gender roles is a constant factor at the back of his mind when trying to navigate all these new social situations.

this is also not just an issue that shinji deals with- asuka herself is constantly the one to call shinji out for not being enough of a real man, which shinji actually rarely mentions all that directly, only caring when asuka herself mentions it, and i personally read her struggles with sexuality and desire to be seen as an adult as a part of her deeper issues with the woman gender role. misato kind of deals with the same thing actually, and even akagi in how they all have such tricky relationships with their own sexuality and the men around them. again, i think the whole dissonance between differing perceptions idea is relevant here, especially when considering the ways that women deal with objectification, both in terms of how others view them and how they're taught to present themselves.

6. no development but lasting hope? (making sense of EoE)

i kind of already talked about this, but expanding on the idea that everyone is ultimately still just an abused kid looking for solutions to the problems they were raised to have, i think it's significant within the imagery of the show that the world post-second impact is eternally spring/summer, meaning that even the environment the characters are trapped in itself is unable to develop or grow, stuck in the same cycle of infancy & puberty with no real adulthood. the constant threat of the angels and/or third impact also adds to this, with characters rushing to get married and form relationships (as misato & akagi talk about in one episode) but never getting the chance to properly grow old before they die.

this implies however that the existence of an autumn/winter is potentially in the future, that growth can come eventually and hope is still present. i'm not entirely sure yet what to make of the ending of EoE- i actually really like how the tone shifts so drastically immediately following such an emotionally heavy, complicated sequence, but i also don't think it's entirely without hope. it's the same old as before, maybe a relapse, maybe a reaction the traumas that initially happened, but. i mean she doesn't actually die??? my big conclusion is still a work in progress i suppose.

7. bonus: this isn't low budget it's goddamn beautiful, watch utena

i've been writing this "short reflection" for like two days straight already, this section is basically just the title. watch utena for more fucked up shit with an actually low budget. frankly this video explains the low budget thing better and has a better justification so i'll just direct you there. (yes this connection is about the therapy elevators.)

#astronaut rambles #eva #neon genesis evangelion #end of evangelion #evangelion meta #not my usual type of meta posting but i couldn't keep this shit in #sorry if the freud section is kind of incoherent i stopped & started writing halfway through it due to a need to Sleep #baz this one's for you

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zzencat · 4 months ago

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Thank you for your effort 🙏 please take care of yourself.

Before I ask my tarot related question , I have another question. I'm an INTP too. As a very rational person, how do approach intuition & channeling?

my tarot related question: how I would know he is my FS? How would I recognise them ?

[ You can tell if anything explicit comes up, I'm a full grown adult]

these are good questions AB! a fellow intp yeaaaaa!!! but i do have to warn you to get ready for some reading:

advice on intuition + channeling

AB!! you’re basically already done with what you need to do! you’ve there’s not much to do anymore- it’s really all in your hands now! cards are saying you can literally start whenever you want! it’s normal to be anxious about it or overthink it. walk into it and be ready to learn. the answer is right in front of you :)

make sure to rest yourself and your mind. be aware of your surroundings and take them in as they are, at its core—at its most fundamental properties. also, if you do some meditation, great! if you don’t, this could help quiet your mind and boost your awareness for better receiving of messages. also when it comes to channeling messages. usually whatever comes to mind is your channeled message, and even more so if you can’t keep your mind off of it. even if it doesn’t make sense, let it come through.

now intuition, is all about trusting your gut. it’s the feeling that you get first off the bat, for example, when you feel something is off. it can be all over the place and then you lose your sense of trust in it, but the key is to trust it. that feeling that’s just lingering and warning you. how can you distinguish between your intuition and a talkative mind? find a quiet space, close your eyes, breathe, and enter into a state of total calmness (the environment is customized to your own liking but it should bring you to peace and a “mental middle ground”, a place that completely calms your anxiety. rmr to keep breathing also!! 😅) doing this brings you back to rational thinking, an open and accepting mind, free from biased thinking. once youre calm, you should be able to decipher what your intuition is trying to tell you, even if it takes a bit. your intuition can freak out a bit but it bounces back. also!! intps like us already do cartwheels of abstract thinking throughout the day, and intuition works well with the abstract world and theories, so you should be ok from here!

also whatever stagnancy you may have faced before deciding to take this on was a period of preparation—a spiritual shift of some sort. so yeah! just…onwards! you’re more ready than you think- the ball’s waiting in your court.

future spouse dynamics, characteristics, + some sexual stuff

your future spouse is probably not aligned with his higher self’s emotions. the cards suggest he seems to have dealt with trauma, possibly from family, probably due to high expectations and low emotional support. they seem to be joyful and prosperous, but he deals with a broken heart and is often sad or deal with depressive symptoms. this person is more action oriented, but might be timid in sharing thoughts, ideas, or the next step due to doubt. he could use some work on his intuition. i don’t think he’s the best at expressing himself verbally so your energies could be imbalanced there. they’re rebellious and probably have the tendency to be impulsive, retract again, and then come out when comfortable again. the cycle repeats. this person gets confident and then unconfident. up and down moods and cycles. the job they’re in now or at the time of your relationship will earn plenty, but he needs to watch where those spendings go and how he conducts work. he’ll need to work out a lot of mental and emotional issues before and during your relationship (bro needs to seek out therapy for example), or this could lead him down a not-so-great financial path or huge losses materially. he might spend a lot on you as well, probably to overcompensate, bc what he’s learned growing up is money = love. there will be many times where he acts cold. there’s a huge chance that your relationship with him will help him improve and see things differently. instead of being indecisive, he’ll be more confident with his direction in life and what he wants to pursue. i also recommend slowing down and building the relationship off properly, not rushing. it would also help to open him up slowly and have frequent understanding and conversations. this dude is kind of a tough nut to crack (major understatement).

for sexual messages, you have to soothe this guy into having sex. this dude isn’t so great at love and seems pretty lethargic so you’ll have to coax it out. this could mean make-up sex or sex after having a discussion or argument. after you’ve resolved things, that would be an ideal moment to have sex and make it up to each other. there’s such a huge imbalance of energies, trying to get one or the other to do something that would be beneficial to their health and wellbeing, but the other is being so stubborn about it for no reason. i think a lot of your fights or misunderstandings are around behavioral issues, and not on your side, AB, but more on his. the dude could use some vitamin D too so some sex under the sun would be nice, some sun shining through the window. your balance and fairness turns him on a fair amount- also your hair too. the dude craves comfort. that’s what gets him the most. maybe some food and drinks as well, but incorporated a bit later!

thank you for waiting and for sending your ask in!! best of luck ��👍

#mini readings game by teddy :)#i hope you don’t pull a hamstring over how much effort you’re putting in 🤔

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hazbean-hotel-imagines · 1 year ago

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Hi! I'm an ENFP Lesbian here for a matchup! I love drawing, musical theater, cartoons and reading, and I'm very touch starved and have trauma from abusive parents. I'm very passionate and when I care about something I'll do everything I can to make sure it goes well. I love hot chocolate and cuddles and women who are very protective of me

Matchup

I pair you with...

~ I can see a lot of similarities between you and Charlie! Because of this, since Vaggie is canonically in a relationship with Charlie, I knew that you and Vaggie would be really compatible!

~ This is a head canon of mine, you know the trope person A fell first but person B fell harder? I feel like Vaggie loves HARD. I feel like here you fall for Vaggie first, and when she begins to gain feelings it's like plummeting off of a moving fucking plane.

~ She's super protective and attentive of your needs, and is hyper aware of the people around you. She puts not only your safety above all else, but your happiness.

~ She's patient, and an incredible listener. She can sit for hours while you talk about your interests, and her smile will literally never waver.

~ Vaggie is shy, gets flustered fairly easily. She isn't much for PDA. But, she her love language is acts of service. She makes hot chocolate for you for breakfast, and before ebed while you're winding down and getting comfortable. Not that powdered microwavable stuff. She makes hot chocolate with real chocolate on the stove.

~ Her secondary love language is quality time. She'll never burn out being around someone she cares about. Despite being an introvert, she just likes your company. You can be talking her ear off nonstop, or just be silently enjoying each others company, and she'll never grow tired of you. If anything, it makes her fall for you even more, if that's even possible.

I also pair you with...

~ Poly for the win!! I couldn't possibly not include Charlie here, but I couldn't help but feel like a poly relationship with both you, Charlie, and Vaggie could work! If you aren't a fan of me including a poly pairing it's no worries, if you're comfy you can send an additional ask and I can write you a matchup with your alternative pairing listed at the bottom! :)

~ You and Charlie definitely hit it off immediately. You're very similar, you are both amazing artists with interests in musicals and cartoons. I feel as though Charlie is an ENFJ, so considering you're an ENFP, I feel like you two would immediately hit it off very well.

~ Basically, immediate friends. I'm feeling friends to lovers trope here.

~ Charlie loves initiating fluffy PDA between you and Vaggie! Small kisses, hand holding, hugs, the sweetest compliments. She's very sweet, and makes it obvious all three of you are in a relationship.

~ The best cuddle pile duo! Let me tell you how you'll never go a day without cuddles and kisses from these two. They'll cure you of being touch starved very quickly.

~ The two of them really make sure you're all well loved, and overall it's a super healthy, cavity inducing relationship dynamic.

I also pair you with...

~ Okay I thought of her almost immediately, besides Charlie and Vaggie, Cherri I feel is perfect for you. There are two main reasons, her personality, as well as her friendship with Angel Dust. I accidentally made this section super long lol.

~ Considering her friendship with Angel Dust, she knows how to be there for someone who's suffered from abuse. She'd do her best to help you not only overcome your trauma from your abusive parents, but be able to distract you and cheer you up when you're especially down. She's contagiously happy.

~ Methods of cheering you up range from a bit extreme to very sweet. This can go from bigger things, like dragging you along to turf wars or blowing up places you guys hate. On the less extreme side, she'd drag you to parties, or shower you with things you like, like hot chocolate or merch from shows you like. Additionally, she'll cuddle for hours and watch cartoons with you, cracking jokes throughout to make you smile.

~ I can so see her sneaking you into a theatre to watch a musical. Picture this: There's a musical, super expensive, you decide not to go because of the price but you're understandably still a bit sad about it. Cherri sees how upset you are, so she takes you out for the night, then sneaks you into the theatre to see it. She manages to get you balcony seats that were mysteriously empty.

~ Cherri is definitely also an ENFP. You two definitely would get along extremely well, in the sense that it's like talking to someone who understands you and thinks on the same wave length.

~ Cherri is someone who flaunts you, unlike Charlie and Vaggie, who are more casual and personal about your relationship. With Charlie and Vaggie, while people who know you all personally are well aware of your relationship, they aren't too focused on what people who don't know them personally know.

~ Even people who don't know Cherri personally know that she is head over heels for you. She never shuts up about you, and she posts pictures on Sinstagram of you all the time. Instead of DMing you things that remind her of you, often she'll post it on her story and tag you.

~ Cherri is super affectionate and extroverted. Tight cuddles while watching cartoons. Pillow fights are a must, as well as pillow forts. I can see Cherri as the type to not only make pillow forts with you, but make lore about it. You guys can sit there for hours, making lore about your opposing pillow kingdoms. In the end, it ends in a tragic pillow fight leaving your pillow forts destroyed, and you and Cherri are the sole survivors among the wreckage of your pillow kingdoms.

~ Anyway, Cherri is very spontaneous. While she is more an outdoors person, she enjoys things like parties and interfering in turf wars, but her favourite thing at the end of the day is coming home to cuddle with you and making cups of hot chocolate to wind down for the night.

Alternative pairing...

Beelzebub

#hazbin hotel #hazbin #hazbin hotel charlie #hazbin charlie #hazbin cherri bomb #hazbin hotel cherri bomb #hazbin vaggie #hazbin hotel vaggie #hazbin matchup #hazbin hotel matchup #fandom #fandom mashup #relationship headcanons #hazbin headcanons

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heroictoonz · 6 months ago

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not going to comment on the ramcoa stuff? yeah thought not.

Crazy how I have a life and a job and didn't give a shit to respond to u when I'm busy n only scrolly tumblr idly but since u clearly got a thing for me ill bite cause you also need my opinions reexplained to you like a child

Also I googled ramcoa cause I didn’t know what that word means (i also didnt know what endo meant till like earlier this fuckin year cause everyone was being very loud and annoying about it) and all I got was "RAMCOA is an acronym for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse." which like. what the FUCK are you even talking about mind control? fucking ORGANIZED ABUSE this is like classic cult aligned shit how does this even relevant to endos and that stuff. please tell me this is a word or acronym for something else that google isnt telling me cause just genuinely huh

listen i took a look at the link u sent i dont wanna post that cause i dont want ppl harassing others on the internet like you seem to want but just for the love of fuck listen to me for two seconds like honest to god read my words and let them sink in

the post you sent me i have literally no context for to me it looks like a shit post. ive made jokes like that before and i need to reiterate that they are JOKES and i am NOT ENDO and i say shit for goofs cause to me and my friends its funny. whether it is or is not a joke is, honestly, not my business. I dont know that person personally i dont know their life i dont know their story so i dont set it as my mission to find people i dont agree with and flip my shit at them. again. life. job. no interest. im 24 and literally not my job to babysit other ppl on the internet i block who i dont like follow who i do and live on w my life (which. highly recommended for all. you too Chuck. makes life so much more livable)

in regards to ur stuff about misinformation the way I see it is people will spread bullshit about just about every topic under the sun. it is, once again, not my job to go around "um actually" everything on the internet. if someone asks me a question i answer if someone im directly talking to has wrong information i try to correct them

When it comes to a lot of people, however, not many of them want to change their minds on things. sometimes some people arent even at a point of their life to be open minded and listen. which, im not gonna stress myself out to correct someone else. Even i had a point in my life where i was so hardheaded and full of hate (it was a weird cringe culture group i was in and didnt think for myself and honestly i caused a lot of damage in that time of my life and even now I regret it. But man thats life. And like if i try to correct and if they dont listen i go okay and dip after a point (which, for you. is prob gonna be here. cause im gonna say all my thoughts here and be done with this conversation honestly also work is suuuuuper busy rn like fr wish me luck w this summer season sobs) theres a part of me that hopes you will either see reason with this reply and chill out or you will continue to disagree with me but at least for both of our sanity stop messaging me either way i wont be replying again to you just so you are aware

now im just gonna be so fucking blunt here. do i believe endo is a thing? (ie: people can be systems without trauma) honestly? i dont know! here is how i see it; im not a medical professional. I have an interest in psychology i have a copy of the dsm5 cause im a nerd (its with my law books. again. im a nerd.) but im no scientist. at the same time; i dont really trust medical professionals all that much? i would like to. really i would. but it always feels like so many of them dont take the time to actually try with diagnosis. too many people of color or fat people and shit like that always say that they are constantly misdiagnosed or ignored due to predigests. again, because i was born a girl i was never diagnosed properly when i was a kid. this happened twice actually! and even then ive had to deal with doctors and therapists who dont believe me even WITH a formal diagnosis to my name. ive had a therapist tell me that i DIDNT have bpd because i was, in her words, "too nice" and she refused to start me on cbd insisting the doctor was wrong. its scary as fuck honestly. plus, like i said in the last post, mental health is so under researched. which is also so scary to me. theres so much that doctors dont know. that WE dont know. theres so much that doctors get wrong. sometimes cause theyre only human and sometimes cause they willfully ignore patients.

so, the way i see it, is that maybe you can have a system without trauma or maybe you cant. i dont know personally and where i stand i dont know how much credit i would put to research done on a mental disability that is still to this day so disgustingly stigmatized and viewed as dangerous or scary. ive seen split. i know david haller (i like david haller but also every time i think about the live action show or how they really treat him as a character i sob in my little heart every fuckin day man fr) so to me i chalk it up to 'fuck if i know' and move on.

The other thing is that since i personally am not an endo in my head i also have no evidence to form a hard opinion on this at all. Again, my system DID come from trauma. In fact, for most of the system mates i can pinpoint exactly which traumas and/or parts of my life they came from (some i dont but i am also pretty sure im missing a very large chunk of my middle school memories so who the fuck knows) but honestly. if you have a hard opinion on the yes or no here thats fine youre intitled to your own opinion ig

but you shouldnt harass people on the internet or accuse them of being fake. this is what my problem is with anti-endos.

This has also been my like, whole side of this conversation. Which is why im really begging you to listen and read my words cause i very much think you are reading me wrong here. I literally couldnt give less of a shit about your personal opinion on this kinda stuff. Like i dont know you were not friends you’re a random anon on the internet. You disagreeing with me does not phase me one bit. I clearly have stuff to say but thats just cause i talk a lot and like to share my thoughts more than anything else. Honestly. You can send me a like one sentence question and ill accidentally reply with an essay. Have you SEEN the rants ive been on lmaooo

What does frustrate me, is that you feel the need to harass people and accuse people of faking stuff for attention with NO fucking thought. When you sent your first anon i can only assume its cause i reblogged my friend Wendy’s post about endos and syscourse (i hate syscourse so much but MAN that is a good fucking play on words it almost makes me mad lol) you asked if i had did/osdd and i said yes and you IMMEDIATELY went into my asks and accused me of being 1) an endo and 2) faking for attention despite that neither of those can be inferred by my answer especially when i 1) never once said I WAS endo personally (because. Again. Not) and 2) i specifically explained in my first response (thinking u were just a good natured random) that while, yes, i am a system, i dont talk about it very openly or much at all only vaguely mentioning it here n there on my personal blog when i feel the need or want on a specific topic (like when i made a joke post about being a system and watching RvB and the Meta who is this character that has a buncha AI crammed in his head). If anything, it makes you more fuckin wrong cause me NOT mentioning being a system almost ever shows more to the light that im NOT focusing on wanting attention or shit like that if anything i think i make more jokes about being autistic and trans. Are you gonna accuse me of being fake trans and fake autistic just for attention? Because i talk about it more? No, cause that would make like zero sense. (Unless u want to ig tho honestly i think being called a fake trans would be so funny as anon hate like genuinely that would make me snort i think. Guy who uses he/him and openly talks about having periods and shit like that accused as fake trans rguireghrhuigr)

To me, at least, you have already proven that your ideology is flawed. Your method of pointing out ‘fakes’ and ‘attention seekers’ is just really nonsensical. Either that or you do honestly have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The oooonly reason i could maaaaaybe see you thinking im ‘attention seeking’ is when I vaguely mentioned in the tags of that first post that I had a system specific blog however i also 1) do not advertise it nor did i put the name of it on that post OR ask you to follow it and 2) admitted that its barely ever used. Again, still making no sense to your accusation

And like, honestly, at the end of the day, accusing people you dont know on the internet just by random posts they post or terminology they identify with for being fake is just so, in your own words, gross. You dont know these people’s lives. You dont know what they’ve been through. Again, completely ignoring whether you can or cannot have system without trauma my original long response talked about how the person identifying as endo might actually have trauma and not know/recognize it as such and by harassing them you are only making everything worse for them. You LITERALLY do not know these people. You dont know me and you made that very clear when you were so crushingly wrong about me by literally just the second anon you sent.

As someone who deals with the anxiety and fear that i am secretly a fake and dont know it, not just about being a system but like. A SHIT ton of stuff in my life, it does not help when random fucking people come accusing me of that exact fear. Going back to that therapist who tried to tell me she didnt think i had bpd it took me SO FUCKING LONG to accept i did in fact have bpd after that. And it was fucking painful to deal with mentally. When every sign in the motherfucking book pointed to YES i have this thing but all it took was ONE woman with a degree to tell me i was ‘too nice’ and suddenly my world fell apart. I no longer felt like i had a name to the feelings and thoughts i was suffering from. Dude that shit SUCKS it is SO painful and stressful. Like literally, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not inflict that on others. You might think youre bringing justice in some weird way but theres a higher chance that you are hurting people just as much as you seem to think endos cause hurt.

Now, because i know you SO DESPERATELY wanna know my opinion on the post you sent in the unanswered ask, honestly? I dont know how much i agree with that persons post. Like. Playing in the field of maybe that was an honest to god opinion and not just like a joke they were making, really not sure how i feel about it. In my opinion, i wouldn’t be running around trying to get my brain to spawn in more little fuckers to deal with. But i also have a lot of mixed feelings about being a system and my headmates. For one i dont get along with all of them, and not all of them get along with each other. Shits really annoying and in some extreme cases stressful as fuck. Every time something new pops into existence, I’ll be real, im kinda scared. I dont know how things will once again change or shift. And my head is just a single head. Its one brain that now has to deal with so much going on i get a lot of headaches and dissociate sometimes even in the middle of doing things or talking to people cause shit will just randomly become chaos (tho im sure other mental things attribute to all that too here n there idk) but I wouldn’t say i hate being a system. I also dont think id ever wanna do that like fuse therapy shit and get rid of the others. Both out of a fear of losing myself and a fear of losing some of them. That shit sounds kinda scary to me. And where, yeah theres some that i dont get along with, there are others that i do get along with! And love a lot! I jokingly call some of them my siblings cause a lot of them have been around since i was a little kid (tho ill admit for a while I thought i just had a REALLY strong imagination and that for some reason my imaginary friends kept talking to me even as an adult till i finally realized hm. Maybe this is not the case. Lol) so like ya you’ll never see me honest to god saying ‘man i wish i had MORE random bastards in my head’ but like, thats just me

I’ve met so many systems and a lot of them are different. I’ve met some that WANT to fuse (i dont think thats the word they use for that therapy but i just got home from a stressful 8 hours on The Grind so I can’t think words all too well lol) ive met people that LOVE being a system people who hate it people who are pretty indifferent to it. I’ve met systems who are have a different person fronting every day ive met systems where you almost never see or hear from the others and its just primarily the host that takes charge. So many different people feel differently about the same things. That’s just life. But I am not gonna use ONE post randomly shown to me to 1) make an assumption on someone (especially something as harmful as faking) or 2) as a valid reason to harass them. Especially not when the person showing the post to me has only acted hostile towards me. Like honestly. Genuine tip here, being rude and mean to people is not how you try to change their minds or try to educate them on something. Walking into my house and telling me im the fake hedgehog just cause of one post and one answered ask and then trying to tell me im wrong is like so not the way my guy fr

I’m pretty sure ive said my entire peace on the matter here. So yeah, again if you send me any more anons i wont be answering them. I’m saying this just to try and save you some time and also some peace of mind. Honestly, please block me. Please forget my existence and go live your life. Its honestly worrying how you have now spent like two days in my anons about this shit, like i am not even joking like the joke is over please please please finish reading this, block me, and go watch one of your favorite comfort movies and smile i mean this so seriously

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