#I'm at work and I can't handle this right now
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You know, the more I think about it, the more I do actually think a storyline about Buck fucking around (or at least dating around) would be interesting. Like, my first instinct was that it would be bad for Buck, specifically, because he's always used sex in unhealthy ways and because I really do think he's seeking a permanent kind of love.
But, you know, that's not working for him right now. He's spent 8 years entering what he hopes to be long-term, forever kinds of relationships and they just keep falling through. Abby, Ali, Taylor, Natalia, Tommy. Five failed relationships, all of which he clung to beyond their expiration date (well, all except Ali, I guess). That's a lot for him to just want to try to jump in with another person he doesn't know and try to make it work, and he has just discovered this new part of his identity—which, of course, for some people, they wouldn't need to explore—but I do think it's something a single, unattached Buck would want to explore.
And I don't even necessarily think this would have to be a backslide. But if it was, that would be okay, too, because healing isn't linear and people fuck up and do things that aren't good for them all the time, and Buck feeling hopeless and going back to his old ways because what he really wants isn't working, makes a lot of sense to me. I will admit, my first instinct was that I didn't want him to backslide, but actually, I do think there would be an interesting story to tell there, and it might even sell the way his character has stagnated in the same boring, unfulfilling relationships over and over again by calling attention to it and recognizing that Buck is feeling it, too—not just that the particular most recent relationship has failed, but that he's feeling like he's not worthy, can't make things work, isn't meant to be loved because it keeps happening. Which I don't think they've ever explored in depth before.
So having Buck backslide, or even just take a step back and decide he wants to have some casual sex for a bit while he tries to figure himself out (and by that, I do not mean his sexuality, but rather what he needs to make him happy), then I think there actually could be a really interesting story to be told there that would be both very true to the character and would serve to break this broken record of storylines for him (because yeah, it's been done before, but at least not since s1, really).
And honestly, I'm not sure where else they would go with Buck right now. This does actually feel like a logical progression for him, and I can't think of anything else they could do with him unless they decide to speedrun buddie and/or intertwine him fully with the Eddie and Chris plot (which I could see happening, and I also think could work). But beyond that, I don't see an obvious logical story progression for Buck at this moment, and I would rather see him backslide a bit with this than have them slap some completely random new plotline on him without warning, because we've all seen how poorly those have been handled lately.
And as an aside, I could also see a Buck backslide potentially causing some of the tension they're talking about for Buck and Eddie. Because Eddie's never directly known that part of Buck, and last season, he was ensuring Buck that he'd seen the growth in him and trusted him to talk to Christopher because of his past and his growth beyond it. And I could see Eddie struggling a bit with a side of Buck he's never actually encountered before, and maybe (if it is a legitimate backslide for him, and he's using casual sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism) with a part of Buck he doesn't know how to help.
#anyway this is my random thought for the day#would they do it well? who knows#but i do think they COULD do it well#evan buckley#911 speculation#911 spoilers#random 911 thoughts#911 meta#also there's a little#buddie#in here. at the end.#so#random buddie thoughts
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I made a post talking about this exact thing.
Tommy has been the only LI with real potential to be something good and lasting for Buck. Tommy is a first responder like Buck, so not only do they get each other on that fundamental level, but logistically for the writers it makes it far easier to incorporate Tommy into stories. Tommy already had a connection to the 118, Bucks life and family. Hell, for the first time we had Bobby outright approve of Tommy to Buck, saying he's good people. And hello? Tommy and Eddie are friends (though who knows how that will be handled now).
What I don't get is why go to all this trouble, bringing back and working on integrating Tommy, specifically, into Bucks life like they've never done with previous partners, if only to toss it aside out of the blue, and done for a poor reason?
Not every audience member is going to read interviews (ie do homework) to try and figure out what the hell is going on in the show. In the show we got an abrupt ending to a relationship that STILL gave signs that there is an open door. An open door for Tommy to possibly come back. Meaning, Tommy was scared and ran, but Buck could actually fight for this relationship and say no, he absolutely wants a lasting future with Tommy.
But the interviews, the homework, is showing us "nope, this is the end, and Buck just might sleep around now. stay tuned to find out!"
To add onto this and bring Eddie into the mix, well - Eddie has stated in canon that he's straight. I may be a multi-shipper, but I gotta say this gives veeery little hope of Buddie ever becoming canon. And you know what? Considering how Buck and Tommy were just handled/treated, I can't say I have much faith in how even a potential Buddie thing would even be handled.
While yes, we need to wait and see how things play out, but at the moment? What I'm seeing is one of Buck's greatest potential for a lasting and good relationship has been tossed aside, and... what? He's just going to go on dating someone new? Probably a whole new character we've never met, and we're supposed to care about this person when we've seen this exact movie multiple times now, in 8 seasons, and we're supposed to care and feel invested?
Like I'm really not trying to be a big downer, but gd these writers are giving me very little confidence in them. The just burned us badly, and again, it's season 8 and they still can't manage for whatever reason to allow Buck to finally settle down with someone, something he's wanted for 8 seasons, and just be happy. I just want Buck to be happy and settled, but right now these writers are refusing to let him, and that does confuse me and piss me off.
Tommy is seemingly gone for good, Eddie does not look likely to be a possible romantic partner for Buck, so. Why should I care about any future LI for Buck? Again, yes I want Buck to be happy, but holy shit.
i think my overall feeling after this episode was that i genuinely can’t care about any relationship buck gets into after this. like seriously, what is the point? this hamster wheel they said they were getting him off is still spinning and he’s not leaving it, he’s never gonna have any real relationships if they keep repeating the cycle of him finding someone, there being an issue and the relationship ending.
like. do i care about buck and his character development? obviously. but any girlfriend or boyfriend or love interest he gets, i’m not gonna even think about caring or getting invested. because seriously, what is the point. they had something amazing in tommy and it could have lead to some great storylines for buck and tommy and even the overall show, but it’ll never come to fruition now. because buck is apparently ‘still figuring himself out’ but he can date men as well as women. will that ever lead to a long lasting relationship? it’s doubtful. at least that’s what it seems like the writers want.
and don’t even getting me started on eddie.
#911 spoilers#911 wank#9-1-1#Evan Buckley#I basically just repeated what you said OP but yeah...#I'm so tired
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Just being a dumb puppy, completely clueless about how enticing I am. I don't even mean to tease him-I'm just acting on instinct. When he traces my bottom lip with his fingers, l open my mouth and start sucking on them, barely realizing what I'm doing until I hear that soft, warning tone. "Careful, pet," he says, his voice commanding but restrained.
"You're making things very difficult for me right now."
I'm still oblivious, feeling his clothed bulge press against me as I sit in his lap, looking up with pouty, confused eyes when he pulls his fingers away. My mouth stays open, tongue sticking out as a soft, needy whimper escapes me. I don't even understand what l've done, but his grip on my hips tightens, pulling me flush against him. He mutters under his breath about what a dumb, slutty bitch I am for getting him so worked up without even realizing it.
And he knows I probably can't handle what he has in mind—but he doesn't care. He'll make sure I take every bit of it until he's finished, knowing that, at the end of the day, l'm his good pet. His dumb little puppy who doesn't need to understand a thing, just to trust and take whatever he gives me, because he knows l'll love it. And he's right. I always do.
#domme/sub#subby bf#subby boys#subby puppy#bd/sm puppy#daddy’s puppy#drooly puppy#puppy gf#nsft puppy#ftm puppy#puppy sub#puppyboy#dumb puppy#1cky puppy#puppypl4y#pet pl4y#pet pl@y#bd/sm pet#petpl4y#breeding pet#drool kink
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Ahhhh pls do Logan & cable attempting to bond, maybe over Wade??
There was supposed to be more bonding sjhskjhsa it's truly "there was an attempt" here
---
"You smoke?" Logan asked. He didn't know why he did, only that Wade's constant chatter about his latest job with Cable had involved several long monologues about the two of them "getting along".
He and Cable got along just fine.
"No," Cable said. He took the cigar Logan was holding and examined the label. "Expensive habit. Where I'm from, we don't make it a habit."
His tone said, you're all fucking idiots in this timeline.
They didn't not get along.
"Beats drinking myself to sleep," Logan said. "Can't exactly get cancer. But fine, just thought I'd offer. Where's Wade?"
"He told me he was going to find you."
Logan thought about how Wade had told him that exact same thing and shook his head. They were outside the X-Force base of operations, after hours, so he lit up.
"He'll find us when he gets bored of being an asspain," Logan said around his cigar. He pulled out his phone and tapped on it.
where the fuck are you, he texted Wade.
“What have I done to deserve your ire?” Cable said, which was exactly the kind of thing that earned said ire. Fucking prick.
Cable looked at him like he'd heard it. Logan forgot he was one of the telepaths around here that had zero qualms about abusing his powers to get what he wanted.
"You murdered Wade lately?" Logan said evenly. He pulled his cigar away and met Cable's eyes.
“Is that it? I see no point in stating the obvious, but since it seems you forgot, I will. We've both killed Wade. Multiple times.”
"You're awfully fucking comfortable making use of his inability to die." He took another puff and shifted to face Cable. "I read the mission reports shared by the X-Men."
"We make tactical, strategy-based decisions." Cable paused; probably reading Logan's fucking mind again. "No one under my command is thrown into unnecessary danger." He breathed out through his nose. "I don't need to explain myself to you. This is pointless."
"Wade can take it," Logan said. "Doesn't mean he should."
"What can I take?" Wade asked, popping up from seemingly nowhere. His mask was rolled up, and when he walked over, he laid an exaggerated, smeary kiss across Logan's cheek.
Then, probably because he wanted to piss Logan off, he tried to do the same to Cable. Logan was sure Cable would do their usual routine where he shoved him away, but he just sat there while Wade kissed his cheek.
Logan took a very, very long puff of his cigar while it happened.
"Well now it feels like cheating," Wade said, frowning. "You were supposed to stop me."
"I don't see why I should, considering that evidently I don't make any attempts to stop you from doing what you want, whenever you want."
"Of fucking course," Logan muttered.
"This no longer feels like it's about me," Wade said. "Are you two talking about the mission from the other day? I told Cable I could handle it, and I did. Everyone in the building fucking died!"
"Including you," Cable said. He sounded pissed. "I gave you very clear instructions. Orders."
"Which you knew I wouldn't follow," Wade said blithely. "We have an understanding. You try to do things by your annoying little book and I ignore you. It works every time."
Meeting Cable's eyes, Logan felt maybe a little chastened hearing that. Domino walked out calling Wade's name, and Wade skipped towards her.
"Be right back!" he called. "Don't fight over me until I am!"
"I don’t need to read your thoughts to hear how often you assume the worst of me,” Cable said to Logan.
"You're...yeah, you're fucking right," Logan admitted. "Sorry."
Cable looked at him for a while and then sighed.
"I don't make much of an effort either." He crossed his arms and pulled from his pack, of all things, lip balm. "I don't go out of my way to get Wade hurt. But in many ways, his skills are unmatched."
"I know. And I know you care about him. Same way I care about him," Logan said. He thought back to Wade's kiss on his cheek. He chuckled. "Maybe not the same way."
Cable's lips lifted into the closest thing to a smile Logan had possibly ever seen on him.
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Hero, Villain, God 2
(Prev) (Next)
Your name is Hotguy...
... Well, not really, that's pretty new all things considered...
Your name is actually Scar Vex Goodtimes but if you want to be honest to yourself way more people care about Hotguy then they do Scar so it might as well just be Hotguy... (You aren't going to think about how this might influence your self-esteem though, after all if you don't aknowledge it then it isn't a problem.)
You are the hero of Hermitopia! Number one on the charts and famous all across the world! With thousands of adoring fans and thousands of criminal behind bars many call you the greatest hero of the century!
With unmatched agility you fly in the sky of the city, jumping between skyscrapers, and enact justice with just your trusty bow and arrow!
Most importantly though: you are the only hero in history to possess two powers! Everyone is in awe because of your combo of perfect accuracy and super speed (hence your Hotguy symbol being half orange and half blue) and you totally do not live in fear of being forgotten the moment someone else also has two powers 'cause that would never happen and even if it did It's not like your sense of self worth is entirely based on your hero career or anything.
"Cub! I'm back" You sing song.
"You are, you were supposed to be back an hour ago"
"Oh c'mon! It's that the reallybway to welcome me back after such a long day? I'm offended."
"Scar, you know your body cannot handle too much stress... You should be more careful."
"..."
"I promised to help you with it but I can't do that if you don't listen to my instructions!"
...You do know that, unfortunately even a superhero as hot and powerful as you has his flaws... Yours is just particularly annoying and limiting.
"Oh c'mon Cub, there was a cat in a tree! You know I could never leave a poor kitty in such a dangerous situation!"
He doesn't answer at first, he then stares down at you with his arms crossed...you have a feeling he might have caught your lie...oops.
"You have super speed Scar, you are telling me it took one hour to get a cat out of a tree?" So he definitely knows what actually happens, has he been watching you again? You thought he stopped! "Well... There were some other things happening around that time... I just didn't think of mentioning them!"
"Huh uh...sure"
Cub turns and for a few seconds the room becomes akwardly silent, so silent that when he begins talking again you jump a little at the suddenness of it.
"There are reports of a new vigilante in town"
Oh? "A new vigilante? It's been a while!"
"Don't sound that excited about crime mr.hero... but yes... This one seems to be heavily inspired by... poultry"
... What? Why poultry of all things? Who would theme their vigilante identity around chicken?? That's like... really lame.
"Calls himself poultryman, modus operandi seems to be...*sigh* trowing magical eggs at people and then knocking them out"
"Magical eggs?"
"Yes, instead of just yolk in some rare cases the egg hatches into a baby chick... I don't know how it works either, it doesn't make sense and I hate it"
Uh... Touchy, got it. Wait, that brings the question, why bring it up right now?
"So... Why are you telling me? Why now?"
"Despite it being necessary for your job to know these things?" Oh... right, it makes sense but you know he's not done. "The hero association wants you to bring this Poultryman into custody"
"Oh! Of course! Consider it done!"
That poultry guy won't know what hit him! ... Hopefully.
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Radioapple Angst Request! - Part 2:
“Why is it that I always seem to find you on the roof?”
“That’s a secret.” Turning to Alastor with an amused smile, he patted the spot next to him. “Gonna come sit with me this time or call me an idiot and tell me to get to bed again?”
“I suppose I can humor you tonight. But only tonight.”
That one night had turned into many more. They were by far some of the best nights of Alastor’s afterlife.
Evenings after dinner on the roof, sleepless nights spent together in Lucifer’s ridiculously large bed talking about whatever popped into their heads, late nights drinking in Alastor's radio tower…
He was not going to lose those moments just because the little king was being a coward. Now if only Alastor could figure out why. Why did he run away like that?
Perhaps their dear Charlie knows. He’ll have to go and ask her before he goes over to the palace. It was always best to be prepared.
~
“No, no, no. Why is it flaring up now? Roo… why won't you just leave me in peace?” He could feel it creeping up his neck. The darkness. It was wrapping around his throat and covering his eyes-
“Lucifer!”
“Alastor maybe we shouldn’t-”
“Nonsense. Isolation isn’t good for the mind. Especially one that is spiraling. Much like your father’s.”
Charlie? Alastor? What in the unholy hell were they doing here?! It wasn't safe! He had to leave. Had to get away and keep them safe-
"There you are sire!"
Shit! "S-Stay back! Don't come near me, either of you!"
"Dad? What's going on- what is that blood goop?!"
Time was running out. He couldn't stop it from happening this time. "Alastor. I swear I will tell you everything if you get Charlie out of here. It isn't safe."
"...Very well."
"What? No! Let me stay and help!"
This was it. As soon as Charlie was out of those doors Lucifer would tell him everything. After that, he would leave, and this darkness would most likely swallow him whole forever. Lilith wasn't here to use her song to keep it at bay anymore.
"Alright. I was promised an explanation." Taking a look quickly around the room, Alastor only now noticed what a mess it was.
Not just from dust or clutter like he had expected to find. Furniture was upturned and looked like it had been thrown, and some looked to be smashed into pieces. The walls and floors had claw marks across them. Then, there was Lucifer himself.
"First, you can tell me about those shadows that seem to be trying to devour you."
Lucifer was silent for a moment, compilating the request. He didn't have time for this. But what choice did he have? He said he would explain everything. So, with what time he had left, he would hold up his end of the agreement.
"It's... the darkness. It's Roo. After what I did... letting evil into the world, I went and spoke with Roo. She made a deal with me. The very first demonic deal... she wanted to always be with me and in exchange she would keep the balance between the light and dark in the world. In people's hearts and souls."
What? Did Alastor hear that correctly? Lucifer, who has always hated his demonic form and everything that came with it, especially in the very beginning, made the very first demonic deal in creation to once again save humans? To right what he and Heaven deemed a mistake?
"But... fuck! I can't even do that right!" Pushing his hair out of his face, Lucifer let a bitter, self-loathing laugh slip out. Along with the tears he had so desperately been trying to hide.
"What do you mean?"
"When I'm stressed, or my emotions become too much to handle, I slip. My control wavers! She takes over my body and senses! Roo is able to upset the balance! Lilith... her song helped. Her singing can hypnotize people. It only worked on me for a couple of seconds, but that was enough time for me to regain control."
It felt... good... to talk to someone about this. He could feel the darkness recede. Just a little, but that just meant he had more time. More time with Alastor.
"It's one of the reasons I would isolate myself. Especially... Especially after I had hurt Charlie- Oh god! Lilith was right to take her when she left! I almost killed my little girl!"
"Lucifer! You're spiraling again!" Reaching out to try and get him to stop pulling at his hair, Alastor was surprised and a little hurt when he recoiled. He had never rejected his touch before.
"You can't touch me! She'll infect you or I-I'll hurt you! Please..."
Taking a few deep breaths to try and steady himself, Lucifer continued. As much as he was worried that he would hurt him, it helped to have him here.
"I didn't want to reject your confession. I was just- I'm scared. I can't take another heartbreak. I gave up everything for someone who left. Who got tired of all my baggage. Honestly, I can't blame her. I knew it might happen one day. I just hoped that she wouldn't have kept me from my own daughter, who I carried and gave birth to since she couldn't. And to just pretend I don't exist!"
~
"Alastor what is going on?!"
It had all happened so fast. Lucifer had transformed right in front of his eyes into a giant Eldrige being, destroying the palace in the process. It was glorious. However, the circumstances were not. Alastor had to fix this. So, he returned to the hotel quickly with a plan.
"Your father is trapped in Roo's darkness. Do not worry, I know what to do."
"And what would that be?"
"That, my dears, is to reassure that foolish king that I have no intentions of leaving. He is forever stuck with me whether he likes it or not."
Charlie and Vaggie exchanged worried glances before looking back at Alastor. "How can we help?"
~
Lucifer hated this part the most. Floating in a void of darkness. At least he was starting to lose himself enough that the screams of his people were beginning to muffle. If only he had some light...
"Salutations! Dear Sinners, worry no longer. For I am here to tame the beast that is our very own King of Hell."
Huh? Alastor? How could he hear his voice so clearly? Wait. Was that... light? A light was just ahead! If only he could reach it! But... he was tired...
"Once he comes to his senses, Hell can enjoy a royal wedding. Between whom you may ask. Why, dear listeners, Lucifer Morningstar and myself."
A wedding? For him and Alastor? He wanted to... no. He could just be saying that. There was no way. Right?
"Including a soul deal forever binding us together. You will not get rid of me Lucifer. Even if I have to hunt you down and drag you back kicking and screaming."
He couldn't believe it. He had to get free, go to him and apologize. The light was shining brighter as he swam to it. Fighting against the shadows and self-doubt for the first time in a long time that tried to pull him back, Lucifer finally reached it! Reaching out the last little bit of distance to grab it and let it envelop him.
In an instance, the darkness exploded off his body and rushed back inside of him, leaving him to fall from the sky. He was too weak to use his wings to catch himself. He barely registered it, but he could feel warm and sturdy arms catch him. Looking up, Lucifer saw that he was back in the care of Alastor. He was really going to have to make it up to him.
Part 1
#hazbin hotel#lucifer morningstar#hazbin hotel fanfiction#fanfiction#radioapple#charlie morningstar#hazbin hotel alastor#roo hazbin hotel#hazbin vaggie
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hiii bunny! sorry 4 hijacking your post but i am so normal about music and i can be trusted when it comes to music. i am deffo not working on a jirai playlist either
edgy emo ♡ (songs to scream or punch holes in your walls to)
destroy boys : i threw glass in my friend's eyes and now i'm on probation + honey, i'm home
3 days grace : i am machine + landmine + i am the weapon + i hate everything about you + animal i have become + never too late (i fucking love 3dg they're actually from my area in Ontario oops doxxing)
jazmin bean : yandere + saccharine + princess castle + puppy pound + hello kitty (they are a very jirai musician imo.)
waterparks : numb
yearning ♡ (for wanting and wanting and wanting)
k flay : wishing it was you
hozier : it will come back (i fucking love hozier and if not restrained i would make a whole list of just his work)
fast bumping good jams ♡
k flay : t rex
hozier : jackboot jump (great for right now, how things are going in the world at large)
breakcore or electronic ♡ (loud beats 4 neetfreaks i love breakcore so muchhhhh)
Femtanyl : Katamari
osquinn : i hate it here
angelspit : ditch the rest + defibrillator (THE OG NOT THE REMIX FOR EITHER!)
elyotto : sugarcrash!
c4ff31n3 : lain
vertigoaway & schizoscriptures : break this the breaking point
poutyface : bored + hey neighbour
folie : ragoon
graham kartna : perfumed letters + browser history
songs i kill myself to ♡ (get the blades out / jiraimaxxing)
dresden dolls : my alcoholic friends + coin operated boy + girl anachronism
fionn : skeleton
fiona apple : paper bag + sullen girl
lincoln : saint bernard + banks
maria mena : internal dialogue + am i supposed to apologize + eyesore + self fulfilling prophecy + a few small bruises
nicole dollanganger : please eat + ugly + dog teeth
edith backlund : skinny
animal collective : daily routine
roar : i can't handle change
carolesdaughter : violent
sir chloe : animal + michelle + walk you home + too close
ladytron : seventeen
younger hunger : dead inside
cake bake betty : 64 little white things
this is a tiny sliver of music . i bolded ones i think you might like specifically!! my main special interest is music, i love niche asf subgenres . i have 2,782 songs on about 30 playlists, and that's just my spotify (which no longer opens on my phone it's so bogged down.) i know/rotate approx 10k songs on youtube , my mp3 players (i'm like baby driver) and my spotify <3 PLEASE talk to me about music i love music i swear i am so normal about music also <3
What r yalls fav songs and/or artists!
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when I want to write something self indulgent to give me all the angsty and cuddly hurt/comfort feels but I can't because I end up feeling guilty because I'm seeking after feels that I feel in an inappropriate place because my mom told me one time when I was 15 that I shouldn't search that out or it's probably sexual sin but it confuses me because ALL the feels happen that way for me even if it's entirely platonic and nonsexual and so I don't know if it's okay to want to write to that because apparently all pleasure of any sort, even over platonic stories, is sexual or comes with a possibly probably sexual feeling and I also am having a hard time figuring out what's genuine conviction from God and what's just my anxiety/OCD/perfectionism/fear of failure
#like I feel like it's conviction. but also when I analyze it... I'm not doing anything sexual??? the stories I'm writing are#ENTIRELY platonic#it's like. found family feels.#but then why do I feel so guilty/convicted over it and feel better/less guilty when I stop writing anything feelsy#like... I guess I'm only allowed to write plot and can't ever write hugs and hurt/comfort anymore#my mom keeps saying I should journal all this instead of venting it at everybody and honestly maybe she's right#idk how to handle this but also I feel like if I just find a holding pattern where I can strike a healthy balance of lile#like* what is correct and healthy for me to enjoy#then the anxiety over it might pass? I don't want to avoid conviction though but like. why am I convicted over#writing a story where someone who's been treated like a monster finds a family who loves them#like.. is it because I'm seeking out whatever that feeling in my lower belly/groin is????#but that's like... so tied up in enjoyment and hurt/comfort to me that idk if I'm ACTUALLY looking for that#or if this is just what I write#and idk if that even is sinful in any way at all!!!#and why can't I just get over this? like I keep going in circles with it and it's so frustrating#idk this is totally tmi I just got hit with this awful feeling after work today and the only thing I can pinpoint it to#is this specific thing I've been writing. but even though yeah I've been getting feelsy with it... it's PLATONIC#ENTIRELY COMPLETELY NONSEXUAL. so like... is it that pleasure feeling that's the thing I'm being convicted over??#probably. bc that's the only thing that eases the feeling of conviction/anxiety/guilt#and also probably no one is reading all these tags lol sorry guys I'll go away now
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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i do not know how to explain to people that "transmisogyny" is the specific transphobia that trans women + transfems face (often but not exclusively at the hands of cis people), and "transandrophobia" is the specific transphobia that trans men + mascs face (often but not exclusively at the hands of cis people), and that they all come together under the umbrella of "transphobia." these are not opposing concepts nor are they mutually exclusive, to believe in one does not mean non-belief in the other. is there a simpler way of phrasing this. can i be clearer.
#i can't handle that post that's going around accusing everyone who acknowledges the existence of transadrophobia of being a transmisogynist#i want to scream i want to peel my skin off thats not how this works that's not how any of this works#in fact one might imagine that understanding the nuances of all different types of transphobia might make you a better ally to trans women!#what a shock!#to understand that bioessentialism can harm trans women and trans men and nonbinary people and and and#im so tired. the hate campaigns are horrifying and the blatant and aggressive removal of trans women + transfems blogs is AWFUL and specifi#this falls under transmisogyny! we can acknowledge and understand that#right? right!#but that in no way just makes it trans men + mascs fault?? they are NOT the (only - there are cruel people in every demographic) people#who are mass reporting innocent transfem's blogs#it's TERFs and transmisogynists#if we have the nuance to understand that not every transmisogynist is a TERF then we can understand that not everyone who#acknowledges that transandrophobia is real is. a transmisogynist?! hello?? am i alive right now. am i currently living and breathing??#genuinely reading that post doesn't feel real. that is so far from reality i'm nauseated.#txtly#i genuinely don't know how this can be made any clearer.#i'm tired. idk
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There are four main types of Batfam fans in regard to how people interpret Bruce Wayne as a dad (/Joking. This is mostly satire and should not be taken seriously):
Fans that think Bruce is emotionally constipated and isn't the best at being a parent but still tries (Differs per person). Don't necessarily think he's absuive but thinks he can be toxic or have unhealthy expectations for the Robins. Can smell the Oldest Daughter Syndrome coming from Dick and have Family Line (By Conan Gray) as their top song on their Dick inspired playlist and Daddy Issues (By The Neighbourhood) for Jason.
Fans that choose to believe Bruce goes to therapy in their own canon. Love B:WFA. Thinks the comic can be cheesy at times and so find a balance between B:WFA Bruce and Please Go To Therapy BruceTM as their middle ground. He struggles. They advocate that Bruce is not a bad parent, he just has bad writers that seem to forget Bruce wouldn't hurt kids, especially not his own. Love the humane moments and scenes he has in BTAS and the early JL cartoons. He may not be perfect but he's not literally abusive. Whores for Bruce being able to admit when he is wrong and for Jason and Bruce reconciling. I recommend Grow As We Go by Ben Platt for this one.
A mix between the first two. Was fine-ish when Dick was younger. Didn't help him in the healthiest way but eh. Still emotionally constipated but that happened more so after Dick left and Jason died. Started getting better when Tim came back but was still closed off. Should probably go to therapy with the kids so they can drag his ass about all the things he's done that have actually affected them negatively. Understands his mistakes and is also able to admit when he's wrong, eventually. It's not easy but he starts to do better and learns to be more emotionally available. Still has to get chewed out by Alfred sometimes but definitely better than he used to be and it shows. Reconciliation is slow and gradual but progress is made for everyone involved.
The one's I personally avoid for my own sanity and wellbeing:
Think Bruce is a complete bastard and abuser. Want him to choke. Hate any and all interpretations of him. Some of which will refuse to understand how anyone could have a different interpretation. Will point out comics where, in all fairness, he is a dick but forget that characterisation can significantly differ from one series to the next, as comic characters are constantly passed around to different writers and have been for decades. Not to mention movies, shows, etc.
#Bruce Wayne#Batman#Batfam#Batdad#I'm not tagging everyone in the Batfam I can't be assed#Sorry there's like 500#Bruce has a child for every mental disorder he has#Dick is his ADHD. Jason is his C-PTSD. Tim is his Anxiety. Cass is his OCD. Damian is his Autism.#Like bro the therapist is RIGHT there#You have the money just GO#I am a mix of 2 and 3 tbh but more so 2 because he is my comfort fictional father figure. I already have a shit dad irl#I'm not dealing with it in my favourite media too#Type 4 fans scare me I lowkey see so many people like that and I'm like. If the block button wasn't free. I'd be in debt by now#I get that you saw Tom Kings work. So did I. I hate that fuck. But I personally prefer the scene of him in JL with Ace on the swings#Or the one with him playing with shape block toys with a baby whilst Supes and WW handle the questioning#Or when he hugs literally any of his kids#Or the one of him and Jason watching a movie and eating popcorn when Jason's ill. And they have the picture of them posing#Or when he cried in Flashpoint over the letter his dad left him because the little boy in him needed that#Plus any time Bruce and Clark interact as Best Friends. The Golden Age comics where they were basically Dick's gay dads 💀#But yeah. I could make a poll from this tbh.#This is a generalisation on purpose genuinely do not take it seriously#If I see ANY disclosure. It's delete and block on sight#Bruh I'm still recovering from the notes of my Fallout 4 John Hancock in a Drag Race outfit crossover post#I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid but that's because I am. You have not seen the things I have seen in my notes#You do not know of the wars I have fought of over ghoul dicks and high heels#I have seen things I can never burn from my vision. Read things I will never have the mercy of forgetting#Over silly little shitposts. Lmao. Anyway. Here. Have some food.
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I have finally emptied the blue bench of all the library books I need to hand back, even though they were terribly photogenic in there, and instead have filled it with all the old children's books I've been keeping around for like fifteen years or more, even though the chances of me ever having children or even passing them on to nieces/nephews/cousins etc is vanishingly small. These are less photogenic but at least it's one way to start clearing the living room of boxes.
Currently strategising how to fit them all in but also wow this is a list of Problematic Children's Authors TM
#I mean#They're all dead and they were probably considered Problematic long before I read them as a kid and I turned out sort of ok-ish#But honestly not a great look and very much proponents of a particular early to mid twentieth century upper class moral system#On the other hand#I do fully believe that the PTSD-addled disaster teenager in a Sopwith Camel that is James Bigglesworth is appropriate reading for kids#The shelf goes 'Snotty boarding school stories; saccharine animal stories; now let's introduce the children to the concept of WW1#Shellshock and alcoholism time for the little ones; on the other hand the racist elements in quite a few of them are going to need reviewin#Not sure the 1970s approach- which was essentially to revere the same authors but delete the racist and sexist language- actually worked#Because it took out the worst words but it didn't actually do anything about the fundamental attitudes of the books#Maybe we should have asked WHY we revere a certain type of children's literature from a certain (colonial; stiff upper-lip; heroic) era#Rather than simply deleting a word here and there and repackaging them as essentially ok for the next generation#Eh#As I say I turned out fine and I think if handled properly it can teach children how to read critically#But if in some miraculous turn of events there ever Real Children in this house that shelf is going to need diversifying#I just can't seem to bring myself to throw them out yet; I know I'm not likely to ever have children so not sure why I keep them really#But I used to think I'd have them for my own kids and that's a hard idea to let go of#And not something I'm willing to unpack right now#On the other hand 'The Adventures of Robin Hood' has to stay even though the spine is falling off#It has been a favourite of two generations because we all love Robin Hood and also Marion is allowed to be kick-ass for thirty seconds#And that tiny scene got me through half my childhood#Earth and stone
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Today has been an absolutely horrible day for me. Migraine, anxiety attack, crying, mentally Not Okay... so my brain coped with "but what if Ghost is so good at sneaking around because he can turn into a cat?" Obviously Price knows about it because he has those terrifying mom superpowers (Did you so much as think something bad? Price Knows.). Ghost is afraid of what would happen if he tried to keep it from him. Gaz knows because he is the favorite child. JK, he knows because he saw a cat sneaking around base and was going to TNR it. Ghost didn’t want to get neutered so he had to tell him. Now it’s a game (”It’s training”, sure it is Ghost) Soap finds out last because Ghost is a greedy greedy man and would go on “leave” when in reality he spent a few days as a cat following Soap around and curling up in his lap and bed. After Soap finds out he’s embarrassed (”I TOLD HIM I THOUGHT HE WAS HOT, FUCK FUCK FUCK”) but he gets over it quick when he gets human!Ghost in his bed and cat!Ghost curled up on his chest purring after the really bad nightmares that make it hard to handle human contact.
#soapghost#ghostsoap#ghoap#call of duty#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#i'm working on the zombie au#but right now i can't really handle too much angsty shit#so have adorable cat shit instead
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I've circled back to despair and disbelief. I just feel broken.
#my eyes still ache from crying all morning#I'm in a production of white christmas right now and we open on friday. we have a rehersal tonight. i don't want to go.#i don't want to leave my house#I don't want to leave my room#I have to work tomorrow. the last thing I want to do is go.#I want to go to bed and not wake up in this timeline#so many people have just been robbed of so many things and I just can't comprehend how this could have happened#and it's largely because of people who look like me. as always. I'm disgusted by them. I'm disgusted by myself because of them.#I'm so sorry. I tried. I love you all.#if I mostly disappear for a few days don't worry about me. I just can't handle the internet at the moment.#abby's serious hour#us politics
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My patience for people telling me to go back to therapy is zero. My patience for people trying to fix me is zero. My patience for being told how I should be coping or trying to heal is zero.
If who I am right now, as I am right now, isn't good enough for you, then move on because we aren't compatible.
#sorry but like i've been in and out of therapy since literally pre-school#i put in the work and i've been trying to force myself into the mold of recovery for longer than some of you have been alive#if you can't handle me as i am right now without trying to change or fix me then i don't want you#i'm done twisting myself into something palatable to please people who don't care about how much it hurts me to do so#this isn't aimed at anyone specific i'm just annoyed with how many times a day i'm bombarded with 'go to therapy' in online spaces#vent#anti psych#mad liberation
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ohhhhhhh i get it now. working 40 hours 5 days a week actually destroys you from the inside out, huh?
#shapes.txt#i wanted to maybe do things today but i can't even do anything besides chilling and eating and watching youtube right now#i've only ever worked part time retail before#and now i'm working in a call center full time#like i'm getting trained now which is good#and now i'm getting paid above minimum wage#but like#my god#i have no free time now#the free time that i technically have is spent recovering from work or thinking about work#and it's going to continue like this#i'm not going to last#i don't think that i can physically handle working full time#ok ok ok ok ok plan: i suffer through hell and get lotsa money#but not for too long#and then once i'm no longer working here#i'll slowly try and find a nice trade job or apprenticeship#idk though!!!!!#i've enjoyed it so far it's just now on the weekend that i'm like ''ugh''#i think it's because we (the new starters) got an actual taste for it on friday with all the accreditation stuff
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