#I'm also still sick and I am just TIRED
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Rant
I love my job because I love working with kids. I love seeing them grow and watching the ways their little minds work and helping them when they need it.
I also hate my job because I'll get used and abused all day, having to do things that AREN'T MY RESPONSIBILITY because literally no one else is paying attention to the kids, I am the only one watching even though I'm NOT the teacher, I'm NOT the classroom aide, I am a one-on-one.
But I CARE. I care so FREAKING MUCH about these kids that I can't just not do anything. I have TRIED to not do anything. It never works. And it's maddening and I hate it I hate it I hate that I can be USED in this way.
But by God these kids do not deserve to suffer just because I'm the only adult in the room willing to DO MY GOSHDANGED JOB so I do more than I should because these are LITTLE PEOPLE who don't UNDERSTAND. I want to wear a shirt every day that says, "I'm doing this FOR THE KIDS."
I just wish somebody else would do it for them too.
#rant#parapro#paraprofessional#kids#teacher#rant brought to you by: my coworker who does her job was out today and the teacher wasn't doing squat#and neither was the other teacher/aide#Idk how to classify her she's there because the actual teacher STILL doesn't have her certification#so for legal reasons she has to exist#and I GET that she didn't sign up to do this for a whole school year she signed up to do it for like a month#but crap happens and you're here so DO YOUR JOB#I 👏 AM NOT 👏 THE CLASSROOM 👏 AIDE 👏#STOP TREATING ME LIKE I AM#I'm also still sick and I am just TIRED#there was NO appreciation today#I had to YELL for them to realize one of the kids hurt me (slammed his head into my jaw not fun)#this happens at every parapro job I have I swear#one of the kids called me mean today and I almost lost it I swear#GIRL IT'S BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE DOING ANYTHING#*AND* I'M SICK#not like I wasn't the one to figure out what one of our nonverbal kiddos needed#she had like ten puzzles out on a table and I had her clean them up because the other kids were gonna need the table soon#whole meltdown but we did it#meltdown continues#she's just walking around with a puzzle crying she doesn't want to DO the puzzle but she doesn't want to put it back either#WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO JUST IGNORE THE CRYING CHILD (like everyone else)?!?#yeah did that for about a minute couldn't take it#asked if she needed a hug#got down and asked her what was wrong#she finally does uppy arms at me so I pick her up
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Pictures and things
#photo diary#image 1 - pretty sky!.. so many sky photos as always#2 & 3 - baby son keeping me company during one of my Sickness days where I kind of just sit on the floor in a blanket#for hours slowly sipping pedialyte and having applesauce and such lol#He likes to bite the squeezy apple sauce pouches.. and try to steal the heating pad#4. Sky again. lighter more scattered fluffy clouds.#5 - greeting card that I drew at someone's request so they could send it to their elderly family member lol.. It's like.. cats baking#in a kitchen I guess? My eternal curse.. being the number one lover of cats in the world yet still somehow barely having a grasp#on their anatomy so they always look ridiculous when I draw them. I have both drawn and looked at cats for my entire life basically#yet somehow those two things do not come together to make me a good cat artist.. alas..#6 - underpart of an outfit I did (and havent yet posted of course because of my evil backlog of onemillion drafted posts)#I took the main dress off the top but thought the underneath part looked cool on it's own as well#7 - more sky.#8 - Mushroom fettucini alfredo. steak. and grilled asparagus. A fun little meal for me though I can't remember the occasion. I think maybe#as a reward for getting my covid booster or something. Though I still feel it's not as much of a reward when I am personally cooking#everything myself at home gjhbjh.. so its like... I'm having to do quite a lot of labor which makes it feel less relaxing I suppose. but eh#a treat in some form. Still cheaper by overall cost than ordering from a restaurant - and also can be customized and prepared#exactly how I like - which is the point. I guess more I just wish I weren't the only cooking person in the house. Everyone could#take turns making special meals for each other rather than like.. ''hmm I feel like having a treat. suppose I shall spend an hour#making it all myself and then feel tired whilst eating it'' lol.. ANYWAY#9 - and then.. you guessed it..MORE sky pictures!!! This time pinky bluey and so on.. huzzah..#A very sky heavy entry into the photo diaries I suppose#The sky in the 1st/7th image is jsut very ethereal seeming to me. something about the way the lighting is behind the clouds. It's#transportive. An interesting sky will make me feel like many other places in time or things I've seen in dreams or something. You get#a sense of being in a different world or like you're looking out over something you once imagined whilst reading a storybook. maybe lol
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I'm having SO DANG MANY ideas and plot points for my Ninjago AUs and Fanseasons right now!
SO
MANY
IDEAS.
And like no one to talk to about it right now...😭 Anyone want to hear me ramble about it? If I don't get this out of my system, I might explode.🤣 - ✒️🐉
#lego ninjago#ninjago#ninjago lego#I came up with this awesome evil army and this cool evil tree and ALLALDKDLSKDKZLS#SO MUCH STUFF!!!#Ninjago: Into The Deep#ink dragon#ALSO#I finally started designing more custom minifigures!#I have an EPIC armor design now!#Please. I just need someone to talk to so I can get my ideas down on paper better. They've just been swirling in my head for DAYS.#No pressure though. :)#I'm not like that.#Oh and I'm still kinda sick and tired so these ideas I sprout may be just funky as I am so keep that in mind. Lol.
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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PHOBIA OF SEAWEED IS AN ACTUAL THING?????????????????? you see i am not afraid of the open waters nor am i scared of the things that live there,, like i regularly spend time watching deep sea videos i think they're so cool but oh my fucking god the idea of KELP IS MAKING ME LIKE ACTUALLY TWITCH EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUGHHH okok actually looking at it is kind of fine but the thought of it touching my feet is genuinely making me wanna throw up😭😭😭😭😭
#this is such a stupid thing bc sometimes it's fine#i live by the ocean i am a fish i have seen seaweed i have touched seaweed but it's different when you grab it on purpose compared to it#just randomly touching you#DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE#OMFG I'M GONNA SPIRAL#like once i thought i was gonna drown#mickey lore time#we were paddleboarding with my family and then me and my brother got off it and we started swimming to the shore and like we're both very#good swimmers so this was nothing insane aaand there were no waves or anything and my parents were still close by#but then at one point i was like oh i wonder how deep this actually is and i went under and i tried to touch the ground and sEAAWEEEDDDDD#EEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL SICK JUST THINKING ABT ITTT#and it freaked me out so fucking bad and then i suddenly felt so tired and i just wanted to get out but i was still far away and i couldn't#stop thinking abt how it's gonna touch my feet again lmao#and i was very very very close to a panic attack in the water😭😭#oops#anyway i survived and i never told anybody i thought i was gonna drown bc i am not a pussy like that whewwwww#also. when i played subnautica (i only played for a few hours) i was more afraid of the fuckass kelp forest than anything else😭😭😭#i started thinking abt this bc i saw a video of a man in this dark scary cave (????) and like it was fine i was super intrigued until he pu#his fucking foot on the rock and you can just see the layer of seaweed i almost jumped out of my bed FUUCKKK THATTT
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look okay it's bad to erase marvin's canonical sexuality and the fact that She Likes Men but i literally genuinely with all my heart think that she is a trans woman
#the repetition of in trousers = gender roles forced on him#i'm still alive and sick of counting#something's missing in my life... i have a family#i love being marvin SHE IS SOOO IN DENIAL#banging his groin with his fist#SHOULD HIS MOTHER BE BLAMED.#i tell him he's a person- he says i'm just ridickalous#btw she is literally distancing herself from her body and sense of self... man i can't begin to express how feral i am about this.#uhm also projecting onto miss goldberg because she is “perfect womanhood”#miss goldberg is transition goals#no literally she's obsessed with her !!!!#“made me what i am today” COME ON. FUCK.#also the constant references in both in trousers and falsettos to marvin being a boy. internalised transphobia you will never understand her#she's so attached to the women in her life and fails to be a “good man” for them as she tries to fit herself into a typical male role#and she's unclear and simplistic over typical male family roles (eg “daddy makes good money // that's what daddy's for)#“listen i'm a bastard bummer with a penis” she's so in denial my lord#a person who likes to lie too much SHE IS LYING TO HERSELF 😭#i try too much to impress other people#her suicidal thoughts as well! she is contantly thinking about how she will die or what will happen when she dies or whatever#LITERALLY DEADNAME.#how the body falls apart first the groin and then the heart..! she literally only considers her value as a man to be her groin#and even then she fucking hates it#uhm and also i feel him slippimg away. of course you do#“HE” is liyerally dying.#“people might ask does he feel awful that and was he grieved”#i'm done i'm tired now. maybe more coming soon#also pavelkaramazov if you see this *I* sent the in trousers ask i was just on anon because i hate my main blog#in trousers#marvin trilogy
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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was feeling okay about bring sick for a week but then someone reminded me that tonight is the yearly rocky horror showing and now i am bummed as shit. fuck. the amount of things i have missed because of this illness
#AND I AM STILL FUCKING SICK#sb and l rambles#AND I STILL HAVE A FEVER!!! I'M STILL NOT BETTER!!!!!#i have spent basically all day lying in bed. that's resting. i'm supposed to be getting BETTER#god i'm so bored and it feels like i'm going to be here forever#i know i will probably heal eventually. but it's bad that i've been sick for this long!! right??#the doctor was like ''we tested you for everything we could and you seem fine. keep the fever down with OTC stuff and come back on monday''#and like. okay yeah i guess that's reasonable. but monday? MONDAY? MONDAY??#i know two weekends isn't everything in the grand scheme of things but i'm just so tired of feeling like shit#no one else is sick like this. which is good. but also. FUCK. what is WRONG. why is this HAPPENING
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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No bc if this guy isn't into me he needs to Stop making me feel some type of way lmao
#not snz#it is past 3 am#and we're texting bc i said i have to be up all night and he decided he would stay up with me lmao#my little creature decided to have Issues And Problems as she always does when absolutely everything is closed#she's not sick this time at least but I'm stressed nonetheless and have to stay awake with her#and bro is out here still texting with me so i don't have to be up all alone this time#like excuse you don't show concern for me and my babies if you don't want me to make heart eyes lmao#on a real note tho i am so fucking tired#i wanted to go to bed early tonight and instead i have to stay awake#like man i just wanna think my thoughts and go to sleep but instead I'm half awake trying to use critical thinking skills#with any luck tho i shouldn't have to be up much longer#so fingers crossed there bc i don't even feel like a human person rn 😭#also i know him staying up with me means literally nothing bc i do it all the time for my coworkers#but it's still making me feel things 😔#partner posting
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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the way that i am now downloading stock market news apps......... and squinting at these crazy ass news articles and learning finance terms n shit.... trying to read these number and graphs........
i am morphing into a middle aged dad of 3 kids. 🧍♂️
#mine#its so joever for me guys.#it started with the boomer ellipses and now here we are#save yourselves gang.... SAVE YOURSELVES#to be clear yes i am still Anarchist and anticapitalist#but man. sometimes you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and if pretending to day trade along with finance bros#and laughing at their misfortunes when stock values plummet helps out my mental health? then babey. lemme get my trading apps open#to be clear also: i'm not trading stocks either. well not actively anyways#ive just become irrationally obsessed with this shit out of nowhere. but rn my broke ass cannot afford to gamble money#on the current volatile ass market#so i'm safely sticking to my bonds and my etfs for now#and watching the circus that the NYSE turns into every 3rd quarter or so#oh ye btw finance news: warren buffet sold half of his tech shares recently including apple stocks#so its looking like it is So Joever for ai and tech which is absolutely hilarious considering all these phone companies#are pushing ai SO HARD rn. but even investors arent buying it anymore#news articles are saying lots of investors are pulling out of risky investments rn. selling stocks. piling their money into bonds for now#but last 2 quarters of every finance year are like that so i'm not too concerned#the October Scare is real with these guys lol#more reasons why october is my absolute fave month LMAO
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Rare sketchbook Scan <3
#traditional art#doodles#my art#the first two at the top were warmups i actually only recently got those markers so im still just going ham with them and figuring out how#the colors work together#im noticing in the scans the acrylic markers dont come out as vibrantly though its 12am and I'm waay too tired to color correct#also yes i need to utilize my printer scanner more bc i am SICK and TIRED of having blurry photos#featuring luluyams ocs bc now that I've thought about them being happily in love im hooked. CLENCHES MY FIST. BUT ALAS.#im SO SAD FOR LULU. im coping for her </3#also featuring my OC Ampellio say hiiiiii
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Some further TMPs (Patreon)
#Doodles#Tamagotchi#So unfortunately by this time the first lineage has passed#We managed to raise them to the final(ish) TMP! TMP 4 anyhow#Unfortunately I'm of the belief that they do actually weaken from inbreeding lol - maybe not that sophisticated but like#I'm pretty sure the further you get along the more demanding they are so if you want to raise a ''perfect'' lineage it takes some work!#For the first playthrough we got the cute chonky lads - there named Bay and Bug (nicknamed Lord and Lady for funsies)#And then their babies and then /their/ babies lol#At this point I still only had the Osutchi so I only got to see Bug and Pollina in passing but Bug was soooo cuuuuute#Such adorable little designs <3 I might like the stark mostly-black with white detail designs the most haha#The generations ended with the Mesu first and smol tapped out - fair since I was starting to get tired myself#I still raised them for a bit but I eventually failed at getting the final-final evolution while I was on track#I came back and he had died from sickness :( Poor weak immunity lad </3#But I've restarted again and am playing solo :) I'm on TMP 2 and about to move to 3! With different evolutions!#I've also set the clocks a bit differently so they're not waking me up early anymore lol - it's just nicer all around :)#And! And!! I got a Gen2 rerelease! :D#Another died to sickness >:0 But at least I got them to adulthood first and Gen2s don't reproduce haha#I'm planning to play through as many of the evolutions as I can - I really want the alien lookin' guy! Love me a good alien haha#It's a fun little game :)
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LATE NIGHT RAMBLING TIME!!!!!!!
All the magical weapons in Elena of Avalor are so good for like, bonking somebody over the head with. Just like a real good smack. Cuz- cuz they're all so l o n g. And tamboritas have huge flat circles on the ends!!! That is perfect for bonking!
The scepters of light/night are both made of metal/crystals and pointy, same goes for Esteban's staff. Getting hit on the head with metal rods really fucking hurts! So does pointy stuff!!!
Man I wish there was a scene where like Elena or Mateo or Esteban or SOMEONE just like, ran out of ideas or smthn in the middle of a battle and hit somebody really fucking hard on the top of their head. And gave them a concussion or smthn. That would've been funny.
If you can't tell I'm really fucking tired rn-
#late night ramblings#I am so tired#and sick#just generally unwell#elena of avalor#I'm just gonna tag everybody that uses a good bonking weapon#elena castillo flores#mateo de alva#esteban flores#shuriki#victor delgado#carla delgado#ash delgado#okay those are all the ones I feel like tagging#just another reason why Elena of Avalor is an amazing show#all the magic users can also just hit people on the head real real hard and still win in a fight#is this. is this anything#idk if this makes any sense smh#Im gonna post it anyway tho
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.
#This shouldn't be a surprise but seriously no one actually cares about my survival yes I've asked for help why would I get help#I'm functionally nocturnal and I keep staying up for like 48 hours and then sleeping for a day and I never know where I am#Or what day it is or if it's morning or night#Normal humans eat three meals a day and snacks right I think I maybe eat a snack every other day#I just don't feel hunger and my body hurts and cooking is so much effort I don't have#Weed used to help me be able to eat easily but now everything is just so hard and no food in house n cant go to store bc of ptsd too scary#I keep telling people when they ask that I am doing badly and need help but they as always just tell me to go to the store and buy food#Because it should be easy for a normal person!!! That would be such helpful and kind advice if I were normal#But I am not I am severely sick and traumatized and driving hurts so bad and stores give me panic attacks#Seriously if literally nobody cares about my struggling why not just be euthanized at this point?#This problem is so inconvenient to everyone and I have done all I can to convince people that I'm worth the inconvenience but :(#If I were worth talking to or visiting or helping people would have done that and I would be fine but I am not and that's okay#I genuinely don't mind being a husk at all#I'm just weirdly sad about it right now maybe because I think I feel hungry but genuinely I can't tell thanks autism#I also haven't been able to do my t shot in like three or four weeks I keep trying but I literally can't get the needle in :((#I imagine less testosterone in my system also makes me tired and lose my appetite#I'm so fucked up and nobody cares that I start my day at 8pm and am active and reply to emails and shit at 4am#Why would anyone notice that first of all but still. I would notice.#When even strangers are struggling I notice and I will do anything for anyone but it's selfish upon selfish to expect it back I understand#I keep looking for arfid and ed affirmations to help me but I can't find anything good#Genuinely . what the fuck#Just fucking need to be someone's dog feed me walk me put me in a cage teach me how to be better and treat me like I don't know shit#Because I don't I'm so stupid I can't even feed myself I'm dying please help me
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