#I'm also just going through a rough patch with my health and mental health and UGH not handling anything

[klxudykai]

the ugly part of reality shifting

as great as shifting is, its really fucking draining. like REALLY draining. its nice that people want to show the fun and positive side of shifting and all, but once new shifters (specifically) hit the stage where they're drained and extremely demotivated, they aren't going to know how to deal with these new overwhelming emotions. reality shifting takes a toll on our mental health even if we don't like to admit it. this may not apply to everything, but I know it applies to the majority.

ive been shifting since 2021 (if you saw my post Abt me starting shifting in 2019 that was wrong lmfao mb yall-). and I still haven't shifted. I used to think I'd shift within 4 years but surprise surprise. I haven't. I'm drained and demotivated. I don't completely believe I wont ever shift, but I don't think I can get what I want by manifesting or affirming or doing any of that. I think the universe will just randomly hand it to me. it sounds dumb but that's the weird luck I have. when I don't expect it, I get what I want. but when I try hard and I expect it, nothing happens or I get smth worse. i don't think that even when I put blood,sweat, and tears into this that I'll shift. I've discovered so much shit about myself yet I am still here with no experience of what its like in another reality let alone my dr. never saw my dr once. only in my dreams and my imagination.

im going to be completely honest when I say that shifting is not for the weak. I'm not saying this to get you to quit because shifting is one of the best things that I found. I just want you to know that its not always going to be perfect. you might feel desperate, you might feel homesick, you might feel exhausted mentally. and sometimes you'll make progress but then find another obstacle. quite frankly, fuck the obstacles because that's not the issue. its how you deal with them that really determine how your growth goes. and no I'm not saying it controls if you'll shift or not because it doesn't. but if you're a person that gives up easily, its going to be hard to overcome those blockages. I say that because I myself give up easily. which is ironic because I don't give up when it comes to certain goals I want to accomplish (one of those goals being shifting), but I refuse to get rid of those so called "blockages" and avoid them even though I know what's the problem. I avoid them because I don't know how to fix them and I just have this fear that's telling me I'll fail.

this post probably doesn't make a lot of sense but that's because I'm writing this in the heat of the moment so I'm not doing a lot of thinking, I'm just typing. what I'm saying is don't be that person that avoids the problems. be transparent with yourself because I'm telling you, the more you avoid it, the more drained youre going to become. it might turn into an endless loop where you think about your Dr daily but you have zero energy to shift. and it fucking sucks.

overall, please take breaks whether they're mental or shifting breaks, if you feel like there is an issue with yourself, fix it. this is a hard journey but it will be a lot easier once you're honest and overcome problems that need to be solved.

(disclaimer that this may not apply to everyone, just the people who are going through a rough patch in their journey. this is mainly just my perspective and what I've heard from a friend of mine since our issues seemed pretty similar. and if anyone needs someone to talk to, my DMS are open. I want my blog to be a safe space and that this is a place where not everything is perfect. I love y'all and please take care and don't stress yourselves <33)

also, fuck that toxic positivity shit that just makes mfs more drained. if you feel demotivated address it don't push it away

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for confessing to a friend?

I (20sF) got a big intense crush on a friend (20sM) while going through a rough patch with my boyfriend (20sM) - it's a long distance relationship and he had been too busy with work to text me much. in my loneliness I latched onto my friend H, as we were talking a lot everyday about very deep and personal topics, and I felt a real connection that eventually developed into a crush.

however the crush also made me feel very guilty, not only for my boyfriend but also for my friend as I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. so it was a couple of really shitty months as I tried to deal with the mess my emotions had become, made worse by how I couldn't talk about it with either my bf nor H nor other friends (as they weren't that close and or were also friends with H).

eventually the crush faded, which was a relief, and after a couple of weeks I decided to tell H about it - to unburden myself of this secret that had weighed on me for so long, and also to just vent and talk with a friend (since we both often talked about similar topics and issues, and offered each other support and suggestions).

in the confession I made it clear that the crush had already faded and that only friendship remained (and I hoped would remain after my confession), but (unbeknownst to me at the time since he acted like he believed me) H thought that I was being manipulative and sneaky, and still had a crush on him and was saying I didn't just to give myself an out if he didn't reciprocate. (I learned of this because he talked about it with mutual friends, telling them all about my confession and his views of it). it ended up becoming a shitstorm tho it's not relevant for this.

but regardless, maybe on some level I was being manipulative, though not the way he thought - I had wanted comfort from a friend and I had wanted to unburden myself from a secret that had been very painful to keep, but I hadn't thought about H's mental health or confusion at the whole situation. (H's mental health is not great in general, and he's had bad experiences with relationships and friendships, which is probably why he saw hidden meanings and manipulative intentions where there weren't. I hadnt even considered that my words could be interpreted in any way but literally, but maybe I should have? I know I'm bad with hidden meanings, so bad that I don't realize others might expect them!)

in short, I confessed for selfish reasons to a vulnerable person. so maybe I was the asshole?

[reverie-starlight]

gn!reader, no physical descriptions. mention of long-term rough mental health patches and not doing great in school because of it. feelings of guilt for not being able to do something "normally". university students kuroo and reader. literally wrote this on a whim because I'm spiraling into oblivion and need someone like him to ground me. midterm season makes me overthink to the highest degree and he's very sure of himself, I feel like. reassurance from him would fix me <3

this is like. so hyperspecific and I only wrote it bc I needed some comfort but now I feel like I'm spiraling even more. might delete who knows.

you've been sitting at the kitchen table all morning.

kuroo watches as you sit there chewing on your bottom lip anxiously, laptop open in front of you. he knows something is weighing on your mind, but it's midterm season so he's been writing it off as stress from studying.

now, though, you seem just a bit more distressed than what he considers normal studying nerves. he decides to take a break from his textbook and bring you back to reality before you lose it. he's silently promised you and himself to keep a closer eye on you during the weeks that assignments and tests were at their peak because he knows you've been battling with your own mind again, lately and it's been affecting your grades.

"hey, you okay, sweetheart?"

you jump a little and look over at him. he's sitting on the couch, notes, textbook and his own laptop scattered on the coffee table. "huh?"

he stands up and walks over to you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and resting his chin on your head. "are you okay?" he repeats.

you pout a little. were you that obvious? you hadn't wanted to bother him with your dilemma, mostly out of insecurity that your decision would be frowned upon by your boyfriend, but also because you're not quite sure you want to go through with it.

kuroo is one of the most confident people you know. he's not super showy about it, but the quality definitely makes itself known in everything he does. that's not to say he never needs reassurance or experiences doubt, but compared to you, the gap feels much wider.

you know you need to learn to trust yourself more, and you're working on it-you swear! especially when it comes to academics as of late. that's part of the reason why you're kicking yourself right now.

reaching up to rest your palms on his forearms, you sigh. might as well come clean.

you're not proud of yourself for making a decision like this, but you know it can only help you in the long run. with how you've been progressing with your degree as of late due to a decline in your mental health, you'll take any opportunity you can to improve your chances of success. taking a deep breath, you tilt your head back to meet his eyes.

"I think I need to fake sick and schedule a make-up test for my exam tomorrow. I don't feel prepared for this midterm at all, and you know how well I need to do this semester. and with all the scheduling conflicts I've had with my accessibility counsellor and not being able to change my accommodations on time-"

"okay. do it," he interrupts, like what you're saying is clearly not the big deal you're making it out to be.

...what? that's... not the response you were expecting.

it's not like you were expecting him to be unsupportive, either, but you were at least assuming that he'd try to encourage you and persuade you to do your best with the time you have left.

"huh?"

he smiles softly at you and moves to crouch beside your chair, holding your hand comfortingly. "baby, you don't have to explain it to me. I understand why you want to do this and I agree with you. you're giving yourself a fighting chance any way you can. I'm not going to discourage you from that."

your eyes well with tears. you had already convinced yourself to go through with it, but hearing his validation really helps ease the guilt. "really?"

he nods and presses kisses along your arm. "I know this one's been eating away at you all week. and I think the fact that you're not going into this midterm with the 'I'll be okay' mindset is a big improvement for you. you care about your performance again, do you know how happy I am to hear that?"

you nod and sniff a little. "that's what I was thinking, too."

he stands up and looks at your screen again. "see? once my midterm is done tomorrow, I can help you study for this one until your makeup test. I took a class pretty similar to yours last year."

"and you... don't think less of me for doing this? for not being prepared enough despite having all this time to study properly? you're not gonna blame me for dealing with the consequences of my lack of action?"

he shakes his head. "absolutely not. you're still working through a lot, but you are getting there, baby. I know it's difficult for you."

"and you don't think I'm just looking for excuses just because I'm desperate and panicking?"

the look he gives you shuts down that train of thought immediately and you take his word for it.

you release your remaining tension with one exhale and offer him a small smile. "thank you, tetsu. you have no idea how much you mean to me."

the way you say it makes him think you're not just thanking him for offering his help, but his support during your darkest times as well.

he kisses your temple and rubs the back of your head. "of course, baby. you're the love of my life, I'm always going to be here for you. okay?"

"okay."

"good," he grins and kisses you on the lips before heading back over to the couch. "later we can think up what sickness you came down with. how do you feel about food poisoning?"

you snicker and throw a crumpled piece of paper at him. "well if you're cooking tonight, I might not have to fake it after all."

he laughs sarcastically and watches with fondness in his eyes as you go back to your material and continue studying, this time far less stressed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

idk if I want to post this. I feel weird about how directly it applies to where I'm at right now lol

and I feel like I'm just making excuses for myself atp, even though I know that's not true :((

[zoroshark]

Hey! This is Zoro coming with an update about my health as quite a few things have happened the past couple of months. As some may know, I've been dealing with chronic pain and illness since February of last year as mentioned in this post here.

A quick summary of it was that I have been dealing with constant bladder and stomach problems suddenly that were disrupting day to day life as they were painful and constant. Despite the multiple hospital visits, nothing was really done and at the time I could only wait to see certain specialists (which required a lot of money to see). Recently however, I finally got an answer to what was causing me pain in one part of my stomach! The culprit was my gallbladder and it has been removed!

The rest of the post will be caught off so for those who want to read in more detail, but one issue has been solved (at least i hope so)!

I also want to note here and thank everyone who's been supportive of me during this rough patch in my life. I also want to thank those who sent money for the GoFundMe! However, due to a few circumstances which will also be explained in the read more section, I will be refunding it all to those who donated.

TLDR version of my reason is that I was advise to do so for the eligibility medical/financial benefits I've been looking into. The refunds should be sent in about a week, so keep and eye out!

TW for Medical related subjects such as surgery.

For what was causing me pain in my stomach, or at least one of the reasons:

Turns out I had gallstones that somehow CT scans and ultrasounds didn't pick up last year, despite the pain and discomfort I was in from them. It got to the point where the pain was so unbearable, I was crying for about 2-3 hours before going to the ER. They found one stone had thicken walls through the ultrasounds and my gallbladder was infected from these stones.

Because of the findings, I underwent surgery to completely remove it during my stay in the hospital. I am now close to two weeks post-op and so far it has relieved most, if not all, of the constant pain I've been in my upper right. While I still have issues elsewhere in my body, it feels nice to have one issue solved. I just hope I don't need another trip to the ER anytime soon.

As for the detailed explanation for refunding the GoFundMe donations:

A few months back I after the go found me, I was accepted in a financial assistance program that made doctor's visits way cheaper. From close to hundreds of dollars to 3 dollars, that was way more an affordable price range for me. Despite that, i kept the donations on hold just in cause anything changed or something wasn't covered by the program until now.

Along with that, I've been applying for disability as I am considered disabled by my psychiatrist due to my mental health. After talking to a few folks who knew about the system, they mentioned that the money from the fundraiser could harm the process in gaining these benefits. Their recommended course of action was to refund the money as a precaution, so I'm following their advice. After the refunds have gone through, I will be closing the fundraiser.

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Again, I want to give a massive thank you everyone in general who have supported me through all this. Its been difficult, especially since I had to accommodate to the pain and changes in my body. There has been MANY ups and for sure downs, but I'm still holding on!

Thank you for reading on this update, and expect to see me slowly become active again on here! I'm still in my Zonai phase so expect more content revolving around that, along with possible Zora content. Original works not involving fandoms will also (hopefully) be posted too!

Im also thinking of opening commissions in the future! I'll need to ask about that first due to what I mentioned above, but as far as I'm aware, I should be okay to do so (but don't quote me on it). So keep an eye out!

[jojosquires]

I mean, but for why?

So, as is the way of this site, I've been seeing more and more Reverse!Robin AU breakdowns recently and... I just can't. (Disclaimer: Like what you like, I don't care... It's your life don't let others dictate your taste AKA this is my opinion and I'm allowed to have it just like you're allowed to have yours)

Why? Why? Why? Why does almost everyone just flipflop Tim and Jason's stories, huh? Everyone else still gets to be themselves (Damian is still grumpy yet skilled, Dick still gets to be an acrobat that lost his parents (though his anger gets downplayed, but that's a regular fanon issue not relegated to just this AU)). Tim always, always seems to have to be the one who dies in this AU and becomes Red Hood (except for like... Two that I've seen) and Jason comes in and takes Tim's "save Batman" role. Which, inevitably, leads right back to the fanon Jason&Tim dynamic that I'm also just.... So tired of.

It's just... Such a fundamental misunderstanding of their characters (not the least of which is due to the fact that Tim's hero is always Dick moreso than anyone else... So why would he even become a vigilante here unless the circus happens at a weird time?). Tim is not five seconds from a homicidal rampage. Even when he's close to murder he pulls back (usually of his own accord... Drags other people away from it too). Honestly, compared to the rest of the Batfam he's got decent mental health a lot of the time with some very reasonable rough patches. Jason has a lot of trauma already from dealing with piss poor adults. He's not emotionally prepared enough to be the light to Batman's darkness if he just lost a different Robin. It's also kinda why he shouldn't have been put in the Robin suit right away. Dick needed justice when he took on Robin and then learned to do the same for others over time. Jason needed a home and to see how systemic issues can be solved through investment in the community and social change. Beating up thugs in Gotham doesn't solve the injustice Jason had to deal with as a child (poverty and homelessness and drugs and domestic abuse). (Sorry, I think that's a separate rant and doesn't mean I don't think Jason should've been Robin... Just that the justice he needs for his childhood trauma is different than Dick's or Damian's or even Steph and Cass)

So, yeah, I don't know. In general, I really just dislike this AU as a whole. In comics, I think characters reign over story because there are hundreds of different storylines. If your characters suck... The story probably is gonna die out anyway. So, flipping the script on these characters just invalidates a lot of other characters. A ripple effect.

Jason and Tim are both great characters on their own. Jason's story as Red Hood makes way more sense than it ever would for Tim. Please stop molding them together. It makes both of them worse.

That's it. Sorry for the rant. I just really dislike how interchangeable all the Bat fandom makes Jason and Tim.

Others can probably articulate this better, but I need drive to work and I'd rather think about the next scene I'm writing than this. So, now that this is out in the void, I can focus.

Also, if I see "Jason is Tim's Robin" one more time today...I think I might go on an entirely different rant. It won't be as polite, I think.

[magic-is-something-we-create]

2023 recap + 2024 plans

i wrote 261,200 words in 2023; 172,500 of those for Whispers, 88,700 for Goddess-Touched!

i read 16 books to completion, beta'd for an additional 2, am currently reading 3, and got partway through 5 others before having to put them down.

i maintained my streaming schedule with only a handful of emergency-related exceptions, and drew, uh, a shit ton over the course of the year!

writing goals for 2024:

fix Echoseers (full stylistic rewrite, along with some plot tweaks)

finish the first draft of Goddess-Touched (and edit it hardcore as well)

work on as-yet-unnamed book 4 of tms

fix up Whispers with the added feedback of beta readers

start querying Whispers (i'll look into self publishing down the road if i don't end up finding an agent. the way my brain functions i must cling to the hope of not having to market it myself tooth and nail for the time being)

POTENTIALLY. if my brain fixates on it. write the script for The Lost so that i actually have something to work with to make the comic happen

one of my offline friends is starting to get into writing, and im hoping to help them through some of the early rough patches and potentially co-write a thing with them!!

i completely dropped the ball on the weekly writing updates so im gonna try and get back to that on wednesday. and potentially get back into the weekly ask games!

non-writing goals for 2024:

youtube. i want to make speedpaints and worldbuilding videos and shit. ive already made the basic animation stuff to have a lil sona to do the gesturing for me and i know how to make videos i just havent done it in a While

twitch!! i want to stream a bit more often because its fun and if i let myself branch out into video games as well as art itll be easier to do that. u might see me streaming in the evenings sometime soon. (psst im not streaming this weekend as im still doing a shit ton of holiday/social stuff but the weekend of the 13th ill be back to both patreon and twitch baybee)

SPEAKING OF i want to get my shit together enough to do like. monthly short story releases for my patrons/ko-fi members. early access, that is, so if i post one in january, it'll be posted here a month or two later for all to see/read

i want to read as many books as i did in 2023, if not more! im also considering adding book reviews/thoughts to youtube or patreon/ko-fi perks

my weekend hiatuses aren't going anywhere. having time where im not actively engaging with tumblr + don't feel obligated to do Anything online has done wonders for my mental health and i highly recommend it. focus mode on my phone and leechblock on desktop has helped so so so much

and that's all i'm sharing here!! i hope 2024 is a better year for all than the last <3

[thequeenofthewinter]

I Am a Writer

I had a whole thing planned for when I came back and finally started posting chapters again, but now that I sit here at my keyboard, I find words are failing me. (Funny, as what I do here is write.)

Anyway, let's get personal. Recently, I had taken a break from writing, slowing down and trying to find out what I was doing again. It was a difficult decision to take a break. While I really needed it, it took me too long to figure out that this was what I needed to do because I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't come back and that I would stop writing and that I wouldn't be a writer anymore.

In the two years I have been doing this, I found great comfort and even greater friendships, and I was scared that I would lose that, and then where would I be? Sure, I would be the same person, but writing had become such an important hobby to me and brought so much joy to my life that I couldn't imagine my life without it.

Cool story, bro, but why are you talking about all of this?

I don't pretend I know everything or that this blog is to give you some divine advice which will solve all of your problems. I'm not one of those blogs. However, I thought I would talk about it and share my experience with you because we don't really talk about those things. We post our accomplishments. We talk about how to write. We share our writing. But what about the tough stuff in-between?

You are not alone. I think sometimes we forget with the outward facing mask of social media (if that is even what the Hellsite can be called) that we all go through rough patches, and it's okay--and we can talk about it.

Recently, I had been talking to @oblivions-dawn @mareenavee @dirty-bosmer and @paraparadigm about a lot of these things as I have been trying to sift and sort through the question of: what the hell am I doing? (Thank you friends, your talks and support in general have been invaluable.)

I didn't know if I was going to quit. I had hoped not, but I had doubts in myself. What if this next chapter took forever? What if everyone left? What if I disappeared into the sunset and never wrote another word ever again? I had a lot of feelings and made a lot of assessments in the past month. A lot of them I had already known, I just forgot about them.

Taking a break is okay. You're still a writer unless you don't want to be, and the hobby will always be there for you to pick up again. Actually, taking a break has made the process better and helped me to reflect on some things, such as:

I am not a machine.

Taking more time is not only good for mental health, but also for the writing process.

You are not beholden to the original rules you set for yourself. Things change. (Going forward, I am saying "fuck off" to my schedule.)

It's okay to have these doubts, and I think we all have them at times.

I really do love what I am doing, and all writing is worth it if it brings you joy.

Learning and reflecting on writing are important parts in the lifecycle of writing in and of itself. You don't have to keep writing, and you don't have to be a machine to be a writer. You don't have to post. You don't have to keep a schedule. There is no "fear of missing out" on anything because it's all there and waiting for you when you're ready.

I'm ready.

I am a writer, and I posted my first new chapter after my break.

I'm really excited about what happens next.

[inkofamethyst]

September 24, 2024

My dnd-friend and I might be looking into doing Bicolline one summer in the future!!! Probably not this coming summer but perhaps the next? Kinda maybe screws with my plan to do an industry internship in summer 2026, but hey, there's always summer 2027 (unless we end up going back again)?

This will mean saving/budgeting! buying/renting camping gear! learning how to camp! getting/making garb!(!!!) figuring out food! figuring out transport! Should be fun to plan, will absolutely be the geekiest thing I've ever done. If I ever become a mom that would be S-tier mom-lore for sure (my sibling is likely to have children so at least I'll have good aunt-lore).

In preparation, I've signed up for laser-cutting and 3D printing courses at the local library. Might be able to make or embellish some really cool props. (Might be able to print Wanda's mask and mayyyybe crochet her Scarlet Witch 2023 comic outfit/top/make it a mini dress? and have that done by halloween... meaning I should start the design process now..)

One thing I've learned recently is that I love me a little tool. A little thingamabob with a handle that helps me do something a little bit easier? Can't get enough. It makes me not hate certain chores lol. Flossing, cleaning the tub, cleaning my water bottles... little tools little tools little tools :)

Okay, serious now. I am feeling better, but not quite my normal self yet. Close, though. Still stressed, but not, like depressed.

I think one of the major benefits of having an autobiographical behavior record that contains like a quarter of my life (which is kind of wild!!! senior year and college and starting grad school currently takes up a whole fourth of my life!!) is that I can pull from the anthropological tradition and form evidence-based theories to predict and explain future behaviors. Like how I know that roughly six weeks into a new environment, I am prone to go through a brief mental rough patch. And application seasons also tend to have a negative impact on my mental health over an extended period. But I think, like in anthropology, I can revise that theory a bit. Application seasons are really just an extended period over which I am preparing to move from one stage to the next but must prove that I am ready to do so. There's a lot of uncertainty, as there's no guarantee that I will succeed in moving to the next stage. So like, yes, application seasons, but also just any period where I have to prove that I am ready to advance.

Having these theories is great, but I don't know how to use them to my advantage except to brace myself. Hm.

Well, I know myself well enough my now to know that procrastination is largely driven by the fear that I will not be able to "do well enough". So when I am particularly afraid that I will not surpass my expectations on an assignment or succeed with a set of applications or something, I will put it off. So maybe recognizing procrastination as a signal of fear (rather than accepting the idea that I'm "just lazy" (outside of burnout which is also a thing sometimes)) and forcing myself to Do It Scared (even if just a little bit of it at a time) is one way I can use this knowledge to my advantage. Because, of course, procrastination only makes me feel worse.

It's been a while since I've intellectualized my feelings lol. Back to the classics, heh.

Today I'm thankful for, you guessed it, the Abzu OST.

I'm also thankful for the little bit of academic validation I got from a former mentor who is typically very cut-and-dry.

Also also thankful for the minority stem student group, they're a nice bunch to hang around.

[espeonkin]

Honest question: Why do you refuse to speak a word or even share anything against Israel during this time as someone who has connections to it? Why does defending your view of otherkin and furry drama come before defending the real lives of innocent people being killed?

Your online space is ultimately yours to choose what you do with, but this silence is deafening. Pouring blood sweat and tears fighting against some dumb kin jokes made by a few young teens, yet refusing to make a peep over real life genocide and ethnic cleansing being done by a place you frequently visit, is concerning, to say the very least. Please think about this and do better.

hi, i want to preface this response with the fact that while i am going to try to be as eloquent as possible in this response, this is a stressful topic, and i'm probably going to misspeak or forget to include certain things i mean to say because this was an additionally stressful message to receive. i don't want to come off as though i'm refusing to speak at all, though, which is why i'm responding now, instead of after I've had a bit more time to process everything you've said to me.

first, i'd like to address you saying that i "have connections" to israel and "frequently visit" it. i have absolutely no connection to israel. i have no family that lives there, and i have only been there once, four years ago. the only "connection" i have is that i'm jewish, which i don't consider to be a legitimate reason to say i have a connection to israel or especially its government. is that what you're insinuating here? because i'm jewish i'm connected to the state of israel? when i was there, i was personally very uncomfortable with how militarized everything was and frankly wanted nothing more than to leave, but it was a vacation with my family and rabbi, so i couldn't very well leave and go home on my own. and again. this was four years ago and before i was better informed on what the state of israel has done and is continuing to do.

on that note, the reason why i haven't been speaking on the current events related to israel is because it's a very stressful topic for me and i've been going through a rough mental health patch as is already. i can't begin to describe how horrible it feels to hear the constant claims that these are being taken in the name of the religion that i was born into and holds such deep personal value to me even still. i never asked for this. my jewish friends never asked for this. do you know how it feels to have your parents so thoroughly indoctrinated by propaganda that they call you a traitor to your religion for not believing every word that comes from the israeli government? to try so hard to help them unlearn the propaganda only to be met with such thorough resistance? so. please forgive me if i'm trying to make my little corner of the internet just a bit less stressful for me to exist in.

as for the "why is it more important to you to defend your views of otherkin" part, it's because it's less emotionally taxing for me than a literal real world genocide. it's something personal to me, and i'd like to be able to talk about it when possible, but I would like to emphasize that there have been periods where even this has been too much for me to handle and i've had to back off from the topic at points.

i don't like being told to "do better" here. because the fact of the matter is that i know my limits and talking about a literal genocide for weeks on end is frankly not within them. continually exposing myself to travesty when i know it's not within my limits isn't activism, it's emotional self harm. i also would like to know where you heard that i "frequently visit" and "have connections to" israel. or is that something you just came up with because i'm jewish?

i hope i addressed things eloquently enough. sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, or if i forgot anything in efforts to make a faster response. i hope this answer is sincere to you.

[ithinkthiswasabadidea]

Well. I don't really know what to do about this right now

My partner has said that he doesn't want to play D&D for the foreseeable future

Not because of my campaign or my dming, which he said he enjoys, but because he....... doesn't really enjoy the game. He doesn't really enjoy the character that he made. And I don't think he particularly clicks with the group we play with, anymore

I know he's going through a rough mental health patch recently, and in no way do I want to make it worse or hold this against him or force him to play

I just can't deny that it hurts to hear

I've worked on Aleuthera for 4 years now, with the intent to dm my campaign for my partner and the four others we now play with. My biggest fear was that I'd let myself down and not complete the campaign. My second biggest fear was one of the players not wanting to complete the campaign

We're 18 sessions in to a long commitment, it's still relatively early if he wants to pull the plug, but I don't see how I can go on with only a party of four, I don't want to insult my partner by bringing in someone else who would like to play, I dont want to bring someone else in if my partner changes his mind and feels differently, and I also don't know how I'd still be comfortable dming from home, without my partner (who I live with) also being at the table

My thoughts are all a jumble and I'm sure I will discuss this again with him but I think for now I just.... feel sad. Yeah.

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

Looking back on my life now, I'm seeing how formative it was to me to follow this blog. You presented challenging texts on psychology and queer activism, and gave me an example of a polyamorous life far richer than I could allow myself to imagine. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you. I wish you well. Thank you. How are you doing? Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you

Hi Frozenbasalt!! Cat ( @neuroglitch ) here! Thank you so much for this wonderful message! It means the world to me - us - that this blog was able to provide you with something that was helpful and formative to you ❤️ I sent it in the group chat and it's much appreciated!

While none of us have been very active on this blog, nor have we been making updates to the podcast for years by now, it's not because we aren't doing well, it's just that other projects took precedence and in some ways it's hard to come back to something like this years later, when everything has changed but also everything is the same. Also there definitely have been some rough patches of life where the energy just hasn't been there. But running this blog + making the podcast is a very dear memory to me and I'm so proud and happy to hear that it was helpful to someone!

I still live with Moose and Hound+TP&Co. Moose ( @moose-mousse ) finished his education and got a job as an engineer. The firm is kinda crazy, but hey, they pay him, so that's good :p He's doing a lot better overall now that uni isn't constantly fucking him over anymore.

I finished my education as a psychologist, but ended up on disability pension for now. I'm working hard on making time for my own projects and dreams, but it's a work in progress, especially as I've been struggling a lot with negative symptoms and/or executive dysfunction for a while.

Hound and TP are now more of a collective than they used to be (lots of new and old faces) but at the same time they also have less in terms of dissociative amnesiac barriers between them, and can better be described as a collective rather than two very seperate people who never get to hang out. This past year they've gotten back into driving around the countryside on a scooter, and they have collected an infinite amount of pebbles. Also he's 2 years on T!

The wonderful Bear ( @prygelknabe ) has found work helping students with special needs get through high school. They are on a type of partial disability called flex job, where they work 18 hours but get paid full-time. They are also rediscovering their kink social life and figuring out how to live their best life!

Bat ( @the-life-of-bat ) is learning how to draw, making a comic, doing an internship at a comic book store and more. She has long since recovered fully from surgery and it's been awesome to see her grow. And it's been great for the two of us to be able to meet each other on more equal footing ❤️

Katten is still going strong at @compassionatereminders , bless her - she was broken up with by her long-term bf, but as a result, she is also having a glowup bc dude was kinda .. uninspiring. She went down in medication, has had more energy as a result, and now she's starting to get involved with the local political scene and stuff!

and Lynx is trying to get back to the job market after a lengthy battle with her mental health + immigration services trying to throw her out of the country. Definitely early stages of picking things back up, but there's a momentum now and there's a sense of depression lifting.

This all to say, that yes, ofc we are all facing challenges, and have been as well, but there's good to be found in everyone's narrative too, and we are still in each other's lives, and there's love and care to go around!

I hope you are also doing well! I'm always happy to see you in my notifications, and this message means a lot to me. Thank you for sharing!

[anghraine]

Do you have any advice for navigating chronic mental health stuff and grad school? How has your advisor handled it?

Background: I'm finishing my first year of a PhD. The classwork was fine/ easy, but the research was not, and my advisor isn't happy. Part of this is from my mental health slipping (the rest is normal research life); her reaction was that I need to either take a break until this is resolved or leave, since she's at a point in her career where she doesn't want to deal with unreliable students. When I mentioned getting tested for ADHD, she heavily implied I therefore can't cut it in the program. There are no other professors in my program doing research even slightly related to my field. I know this is illegal, but it also seems pretty normal for grad school. Have you seen advisors handle that sort of disclosure well?

No issues if this is too detailed/ you don't want to respond!

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! That's super shitty, though I have heard of roughly similar things happening. However, it is definitely not my experience in my own PhD program with my advisor (except that my advisor was also my only real option as far as research goes).

My advisor has been extremely kind about my mental health, despite it causing a significant amount of inconvenience and concern for him personally. I didn't mind talking about why that is any more, but I'll put the longer version of the story under a cut. (Mind the tag.)

I had an awful breakdown from late 2020 up to the end of 2021/early 2022 (bipolar mood swings from "can't focus but lalalala" to "suicidally depressed for months" coupled with autism problems and extreme anxiety). My advisor and department chair didn't know what was going on, but they were concerned that I stopped responding to basically anything, and I nearly did have to leave the program.

But the one major university thing I did manage to do during this time was to get my clinical autism diagnosis confirmed through testing services and to consistently see a psychiatrist. Both the psychologist and psychiatrist I ended up seeing strongly recommended reaching out to my advisor, disclosing my conditions/their impacts on study, and seeing what my situation was at that point.

So (after considerable angst) I put together an email to him, and he quickly wrote back. He was fantastic. He just said he was glad to hear from me and know how I was doing, and handled a lot of the bureaucratic end of things. I did end up needing to disclose basically everything (except the suicidal ideation, which I did not mention to anyone except my psychiatrist) to the department chair and head of graduate studies, and it all turned out okay in the end.

That's a big part of the reason that passing my exams and getting advanced to candidate is so surreal and such a big deal for me. But I really am inexpressibly grateful to my advisor for helping me through an extremely rough patch, where he went well beyond what he really had to do. As a side note, our research only partly coincides, but I would not exchange him for anyone (he studies 18th/19th lit in English where I study 17th/18th British).

So I guess my takeaway is that, as someone with mental health problems, having a supportive, helpful advisor made a lot more of a difference than having common interests with him. Your advisor seems genuinely quite bad to me. I don't really have a solution for you, though taking advantage of student health services was helpful for me, personally, in having documentation I could direct people to.

And if you really do need to go on academic leave and she's willing to approve it, sometimes it can be helpful in recuperating from academic life for awhile if you can afford the delay. Alternatively, you might look for more helpful people to have on your committee if that's how it works at your institution. You might also go to the chair of your department with your concerns if you feel you can trust them (bearing in mind that it's kind of the nuclear option). If you're seeing a counselor and/or psychiatrist/psychologist, you might also ask them what they suggest, since they'll know your institution.

[allamericansbitch]

speaking of 1989... i really hate that swifties on twitter and some on tumblr are making so much of that era about taylor's eating disorder, saying that she was constantly miserable and talking about how it must be so awful for her to relive that era. in advance i'm sorry if this causes a flurry of anons in your inbox, i don't mean to start anything, i just want to share my experience and i'm not comfortable to do that on my own blog right now.

i have had an eating disorder for a few years now, but i've usually been able to keep it in check. this past year, though, i've been struggling much more than normal. i don't want to share too much but there were many times that i didn't eat anything for 48-72 hours either because of other mental health reasons or because i didn't think i deserved to, as is very common. however, this past year has also had some of the best moments of my life, largely because of the people i surrounded myself with. i made a large group of friends where i don't feel like i have to put on a fake persona to get along with them. i was able to get out of my comfort zone and go to social events and gatherings i previously would do almost anything to avoid. and in many ways, despite the struggle i had i would not want to take back this year because of how many happy moments i've had.

and i view taylor's 1989 era in a similar way. yes, she was struggling with an ED but she was also breaking records right and left with her album, moving to a brand new city, and making such a large impact on the general public as well as the music industry. she perhaps was not doing well in private on the eating front, but i am positive there were other bright moments in her personal life at this time too, that she may have not chosen to share with the public (and understandably so).

all this to say, it's very naive and harmful to reduce a person's life at any moment to the mental health struggles they are going through. as humans, we should give each other grace to be more than our lowest moments and this applies to people like you and me as well as taylor.

i really didn't mean for this to get so long, but thank you for reading and i hope you're doing well sarah 💙

YES YES YES! i've said this before and completely agree! im so sorry you're dealing with that and going through a particularly rough patch rn, sending you love and always remember to be patient with yourself.

fans have always had a very black and white view of taylor (bc they dont see her as a person, rather a character or solely a form of entertainment etc etc), so when she mentions one bad thing, they assume the entire era was miserable and a terrible experience, the whole time. not a moment of happiness or anything. which just lacks so much common sense because you can struggle in one aspect of your life but that doesnt affect all the other aspects of it. plus she has said she's struggled since she was a preteen, so she had her ED when she was in debut era, fearless era, speak now and red era, but they never said she was miserable and awful it was to relive those? so why only 1989? it just goes to show swifties always want to see her struggling in some capacity because it makes her an interesting story to them.

[idiopathicsmile]

Omg omg ok, I am nearly certain I started following you because of how much I love starship iris (and now your book!!!) but I don’t think I ever knew you wrote in defiance of all geometry???

That fic means so much to me — I think about your Jehan’s gender journey like, regularly, and this story was honestly a talisman for me while figuring out my own relationship with my friend/roommate-turned-fiancée. This is also the fic that got me through a weeklong trip (spent more or less without internet access) that coincided with with a pretty rough mental health patch. I literally read it on a loop, finishing and going right back to the beginning, again and again and I was so, so grateful for it.

My mind is more than a little blown right now that these things different things that I have liked so much in such different contexts have been connected this whole time.

(Honestly I don’t even know how to process that there are new pieces in this verse. I need to figure out how create the right moment to really savour them)

I feel a little bit like I just discovered that one of my favourite new authors was mr rogers this whole time, but I guess what I really mean to say is thank you!!

hello, what a delightful message! thanks for listening to Starship Iris and for reading my book. also, so glad IDOAG was able to help you, that is just wonderful to hear. <3 any day someone compares me to mister rogers is a day where i can feel like i'm doing okay. thanks again!

[pawsimses]

WARNING: PERSONAL IRRATIONAL VENTING BELOW. BRAIN IS IN SHUTDOWN MODE.

Hey uh I get some of y'all are very much "I called it" about SWTOR's "downfall" (which is based in a lot of misinformation and pure speculation BTW, plz actually research stuff outside the IGN article, I beg you people...) but can I not see that shit in the tags for five minutes?

As someone who is neurodivergent (autism + other stuff) and hyperfixates on the game, this kind of shit is what sets me off. This game may not be much and it may be someone's Disappointment, but this game has also been my point of happiness for years and has helped me get through a lot of rough patches with my mental health. Seeing this shit everywhere and all the negative responses towards the game and news, it tears my soul down. I feel dead inside.

I get it wasn't much for people in the end, but it gave me life when real life otherwise keeps backhanding me over and over again.

I'm not saying for people to stop voicing an opinion. I'm just... Tired. Of the fanbase and former fans same old negative bullshit. Of IGN (fuck you who wrote that article btw), of EA, of Bioware, of everything. I just want some space where I can sit and not have everything crumble around me for five minutes.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm a stubborn mule and will have high hopes until the end. I just wish I didn't have to sacrifice my sanity for it I guess. Idk. My brain is thrown right now.

Apologies for the rant.

[ovaryacted]

Awwwe nic, I just saw your rant. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. People truly underestimate how time consuming a nine to five job is. We want you to know that you shouldn't feel any pressure from our side, we'll read whatever you write and whenever you write, even when we have to wait for it. Don't overwork yourself because that'll help no one. Now I do understand all the frustration and dread you're feeling if you want to write but just can't. Trust me, I've been there. I am there. With college and me being a procrastinating little piece of shit, I haven't written anything in ages, even though writing is my truest passion and I wish I could be an author some day. The dread felt when you're stopped from doing things you want to do over an extended period of time is so valid. Now, this little ask of mine can't magically make you a few more hours to spare nor can it make your job any easier, but I hope you at least feel heard. Take your time, write when you have time for it. Even five minutes, just put something in that word document - that's better than nothing. You'll continue later. It'll help with the feeling of depression to at least type something, even if it's just one paragraph. And when it comes to feeling like it's a waste of time, I don't think there's a writer in the world ho hasn't felt that at some point. We see you, and we know how much hard work you put in to give us those yummy fics. Know that your following is standing right behind you and we'll eat up whatever you put out there. As someone who's been writing since I learned how to hold a pencil, I can tell you that the feeling sadly never truly goes away. But it comes less often and becomes easier to deal with. And, If you really need something to keep you going, know that hundreds, if not thousands of people would be really sad to see you go if you decided to give up on the blog. I don't know how much this helped, or even if it helped at all, but the point of the story is that we're here for you, no matter what. Love you pookie, take care!❤️❤️❤️

-🌑

This ask made me emotional in the morning, and I’ve been reading it over and over the past few days. I’ll admit, I’ve been in a rough patch for like a month, I genuinely forget how my mental health can get around January-February, which are relatively rough months for me in general because that’s when my depression spikes the most. I guess it’s a combination of the pre-birthday blues and the existential dread of getting older lmao, but idk it’s always a stressful time for me and it’s been that way since I was 16. My home life is also not the best right now, which just stresses me out more cause now I’m stressed at work and at home thanks to my inconsiderate family. (Eldest daughter things feel me?)

Honestly, I’m really thankful I have a 9-5 job and a good one at that, it gives me financial stability I’ve never had before. It’s also a job I prayed for, in the field I studied and with reputable nice people. I got very lucky, especially with the current economy in the US dealing with hyperinflation and how hard it is to get a job right now I’m very grateful. But it is a busy job, I mean I work with people who are essentially government agents and have ties to the FBI so I have pressure to do well at work. I did underestimate the amount of time I’ll have for myself working a full time job, especially after coming from a shitty part time job I had more time to do things throughout the week. I feel like I took all that free time for granted, and at least when I was in college I had several days off, now I only have like 5-6 hrs after work plus the weekend to myself and the cycle gets exhausting at some point. Usually when I come home, I have the mentality and the creativity to want to write, but lack the energy. Literally the moment I rest on my bed, I just put on Netflix and doze off, or won’t have enough brain power to make cohesive ideas so I end up hating what I write or starting over (which has happened so far). So I have the weekend to relax and write, but now I have to start studying for a big legal exam later on in the year which is my ticket to law school for 2025. I just have a lot going on right now and to prep for (adulthood I guess).

Believe me, I’m trying, and I want to create, I’ve been writing since I was 12 so this is a hobby and a skill I want to build up. I’ve been taking some time out every day to just write stuff out, and so far it’s worked. And with asks, I use the morning and my lunch break to prepare responses and edit them at home to post when I have time. I just want to upload multiple things at a time, and then I get indecisive about what to start, and end up posting nothing lmao. Plus with all the bs going on in the tags and the fandom in general, it’s annoying the hell out of me cause it’s just constant drama. But I appreciate your kind words honey, I always do, they’re encouraging and make me feel better. Adore you, I hope you’re having a good day though and taking care of yourself. ❤️‍🩹