#I'm actually torn over this
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Finished Reckoning of Roku. Not a lot of good to say about it, even ignoring the Kyoshi factors.
Anyway lots of thoughts. Need to organize. And I'm about to be completely and totally normal about Kyoshi. *eye twitch of a totally sane person*
Did you know she was mentioned about 34 times in the novel? :'D
#i trust no one in this damn novel#except roku and sozin#i trust sozin to be the worst person ever#i trust roku to be the dumbest twink ever#silly talks#malaya gets to be trusted bc she did nothing wrong ever#roku salt#everyone else gets the squint from me >_>#(except you Ta Min <3 you can lie all you want just run far away from Roku baby girl you deserve so much better TT0TT Fr LOVE YOURSELF!)#but fr I'm torn between “is this intentional?/is this intentionally misleading/setting something up?” vs#vs “oh its wishy washy bc the book is just THAT ASS!”#this is like my 4th draft of me writing 'i finished the roku novel'#i get less pissy each time i write a post jkfldsajfdlk#(i am actually underexaggerating it's more than 4 times I just lost count kfjsalkdjf)#'silly just say understate not underexaggerate' *bugs bunny face meme* no~#longest 11ish hours of my life thank god it's fucking over
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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop
#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good#but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside#it IS making me better at my job though#.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know#on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me#i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually#i traded a month with him to have another month with her#he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories#I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far#but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders#so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year#also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies#but I've been in scarier situation i can manage#and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man#but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space#with strong aspects of praise kink#pathetic is what it is really#but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right#I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit#I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST#........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess#yeah it's just like an infected wound right now#angry red throbbing hot pain#i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing#it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation#it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it#it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work#the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to#I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right
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So I finished another piece for the ship week and realizing now that I just really don't like the poses I did for them. I can't decide if I should go ahead and start over or just f it and move on to my next wip.
#personal rambling#I think my biggest thing is Ive been working on it for over a week#which is actually a very very long time for me to work on something#with who I am as a person#so I'm very torn about scraping it at this poibt#point*
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An Actual Thing That Happens in The Count of Monte Cristo
Albert (about the count): I love him.
Later:
The Count (to Albert): You accept my proposal?
Albert: I do.
(Also reassures the count that his mother urged him to gain his esteem.)
And they're off on their honeymoon.
#the count of monte cristo#alexandre dumas#albert de morcerf#monte cristo x albert#edmond x albert#enacting revenge on the people who wronged you#which resulted in you being torn away from the woman you loved#only to fall in love with her son#(ok i'm cherrypicking as albert also said he loved beauchamp and invited him to come on the trip too)#but it's still funny ok?#just silly crack shipping nothing serious#i've actually developed strong feels over edmond x haydee#but i don't sweat it#mypost
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Hi y'all! Here is my finals campaign on why you should vote for Nani Pelekai in the @eldest-sibling-tournament today!!
Edited to add***
Poll just dropped vote Nani today!
https://www.tumblr.com/eldest-sibling-tournament/712608371217481728/eldest-sister-tournament-final-round
#polls#eldest sibling tournament#eldest sibling poll#nani pelekai#Lilo and Stitch#Lilo & Stitch#propaganda#campaigns#i've been working on this since a little before the sokka tournament#thinking the sokka and ed rounds were going to be neck and neck#and i was very wrong girl swept everytime#i'm so sorry sokka and ed y'all are wonderful siblings and deserve more respect on your names#anyways i was torn over finishing it or not cuz it felt kinda pointless since she's crushing her opponents with no help but i mean like#i already spent so much time on it so now y'all get to see it too#if this actually influenced you to vote for nani and you decide to reblog this please let me know in tags#cuz the sheer number of votes on the katniss-grayson poll was in the 10000s+ and that's wild compared to the notes on nani polls#also if y'all need me to copy paste the text from the slides under a read more or something for easier reading let me know#i don't mind doing it if there's a demand but it's is also 3:30 AM as i am typing this and scheduling this post for tomorrow#so i just couldn't do it when i was queuing this up i'm v tired#ok thanks byeeee#actual memes to come later depending on how voting seems to be going
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I think the universe allowed me one (1) trip this year that wasn't mired by deep emotional struggle
#and that was me wandering around NYC for literally like 42 hours#but I still cried during that trip because I saw hadestown and BAWLED through the entire first act ahahahaha#catharsis crying >>>>>>#idk I'm torn between needing to hole away and acclimate to my new situation vs. needing to DO something if I'm to improve it in any way#I haven't even had the mental energy/fortitude to do home cooking for myself in actual weeks#how am I supposed to have the energy to [redacted]#uuuuuugh suffering suffering pain pain blah blah get over yourself
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the implications....
folie a deux meaning / folie a deux album cover / pete's bear hat(s)
#myevilposts#pete wentz#also the teddy bear rug would be fun to mention in this discussion but these ones are more serious.#the thing with pw is that sometimes he does things that are so devious and strategic and genius and sneaky and poignant#and other times it just seems that way and was actually just him being silly.#this goes both ways btw.#like a lot of mania era stuff i feel was mocked as him being silly but was actually deep and then a lot of older stuff#that people obsess over dissecting was actually Not That Deep on his account at least.#it's kinda not his fault that he's a cartoon character. kinda. but he knows how to lean into it.#pw understands camp better than 99% of users on this website tbh.#fall out boy#also pete and bebe wearing matching bear hats during hiatus. is like exactly what i'm talking about. lol.#the implication being that the bear/becoming a bear represents embracing the madness and becoming one with the grizzly bear#that the human in the bear costume is carrying on the folie cover.#i feel like it's not a coincidence that the guy looks like pete too. it might be but i always figured it was intentional.#the grizzly bear/real life equivalent to the madness of folie a deux as a condition is open to interpretation more#i think. obviously it could represent the co dependence between pete and patrick. but it could also#represent pete's marriage as a whole to the band/his work.#i think it's most noteworthy again that he wore the bear hat matching with bebe DURING HIATUS.#similarly to the stump club shirt i feel like it's pretty clear he was incredibly torn up about the hiatus.#maybe it's that pete had a co dependent relationship with his public image/identity within the scope of fob's fame.#A LOT of black cards calls back to fob / is in response to or commentary of his fame from fob.#because of course it did/was. fob was intrinsic to his celebrityhood. and that celebrityhood obviously was intrinsic to him.#this is not to downplay the other aspects of his identity. the opposite actually.#especially considering that his public image was so skewed and dumbed down and he was rightfully very upset about that#and that is very prevalent/important/vital i think to understanding things like black cards as a whole.
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guess who just bought a pokemon white DSI !!! happy early birthday to meeeee
#mrowr.txt#saw the local game store posted it at like 4. it had the console the game and the box#ZOOOOMED over there to see#they wanted 300 for it even though the entire back half of the box was torn to bits and missing actual CHUNKS#(the image had been from the front so you couldn't tell)#but i was like hey yo i have white already can i just buy the system?#surprisingly they said yes and it was still 200 but#i've been collecting not only every pokemon game (eventually)#but also every SYSTEM in the DS family. from original clunky DS to the New 3dsXL#and every possible iteration in between#and i didn't have a DSI yet!!#i still need original DS- the old 3dsXL- and i think one of the 2DS versions#someday i'll go further back and collect GB era too but for now i have an advance and a color i believe#and i'm only missing 3 games from the ds era of pokemon!!#i need pearl black2 and ultramoon
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Unpopular opinion: Adelaide have some nice Italian players like Josh Rachele (who did butterfly wings to celebrate awww cute) and Soligo (can he go) but it was a shame the Fog, the actual sexiest man alive holy shit (I'm so sorry Faz please forgive me), was so hopeless every time he got near the ball.
Also owwwies should've kicked the sealer
And that one earlier in the game that was put to the score review and they showed the Adelaide guy trying to smother but there was no conclusive evidence that he touched it so it should've been a goal to Carlton.
Also a crow did a dog act on Jack Carroll plus many more crows got away with ripping a few Carlton heads off but every time a crow head was ripped off, free kick.
It was a strange game. I'm sorry Carlton for infiltrating with my Collingwood scarf and Daisy badge and faz jumper. I promise not to be there next week but I'll see you again at the MCG in two weeks for the De Koning Cup. Cue the Robbie Williams music.
#also when Carlton ran out to their song i did the fasolo after the champions and then when i said the Bianco the guy next to me looked at me#i think i confused him#I'm sorry#my friend has found a way to get me to enjoy the Carlton song and to actually want Carlton to win and oh no Mum I'm so sorry#i mean imagine if my mum saw me getting excited during a Carlton song she'd be HORRIFIED#she'd have been horrified that i was there#like in the fourth quarter i was torn because I've been raised to want Carlton to lose but i really wanted to do the Fasolo and bianco thing#it works so well in the song#also before the game started they play that song that's like ohhhhh Alex Fasolooooo (that's what George/RCCS people sang in 2018 at vflm)#at half time of the tigs game they did a Taylor singalong and half time of today they did de koning's in the air#well it was love is in the air but#dammit Carlton stop trying to convert me#no i can't#what if they pick up a Bianco in the mid season draft no please it's 2019#i mean it's 2019 all over again but it's not just me getting yelled at by Mel & scared of shae - i have a friend to go to the footy with and#sigh
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I just got hit with the really strong urge to write D/s smut again
#annoyingly this would actually fit in that fic#the one I'm on the brink of abandoning#I mean there's this scene where they're talking#while Moriarty is kind of... asserting his dominance over Moran#but I haven't written the actual smut scene itself#I still don't know what to do#I'm torn between making that the most self-indulgent thing ever#(complete with more smut)#and thinking I really cannot be bothered with sorting it#sometimes I wake up though and it's like...#I *really* want to read Moriarty/Moran smut today#unfortunately there's very little of that that I haven't written myself#so then I often get hit with the need to write more of it myself
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This paper is actually going quite well.
Too bad it's complete bullshit.
#I'm not lying#but I'm definitely not being brutally honest about the historiography here#look the first few works are technically all social histories but there's a qualitative difference from the later ones#and the politics is still important enough that I should get to call them political histories#Also frankly I don't care#I just need to finish the damn paper by midnight and then I will be free of this fucking course#I have never in my LIFE dreaded going to class before this course#And honestly? It's soul crushing! I have no will to succeed here!#My only motivation is that I liked the rest of the semester and I need to pass this class to continue the program!#the professor asked for an additional evaluation (still anonymous) and I'm torn about how brutal to be#because on the one hand it was an enlightening course and I am definitely better equipped as a historian than I was three months ago.#on the other hand every single one of my classmates had completely given up by the end because no matter what we did it wasn't good enough#and also the professor was just fucking mean a whole bunch. But in that subtle way where you feel crazy for noticing.#so the class was horrible but I don't want him to feel horrible but also maybe he deserves it??? I can't even tell if he's actually a dick#or just acts like one#which is perhaps not a meaningful distinction but if he doesn't mean to I'd feel bad being too harsh#though several incidents make me think he meant to#blegh. It'll all be over by midnight!#And then I can focus on studying for women's history and - joy of joys - writing a syllabus about Victorian fashion and politics#I fucking love historical fashion that's going to be absurdly fun
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[witcherposting ahead—nb that this is all totally lighthearted and it's fine if you feel differently!]
anyway what i'd started to say before tumblr ate my post was that like. disclaimer that my approach to netflix witcher canon is that i fully reserve the right to cherrypick, because some of the changes they made were good but others were character assassination, and that obviously i get that if one isn't cherrypicking one does have to actually Grapple With Certain Things 🏔
but like. that said—the more 'Geralt Must Grovel for Weeks and Probably Scourge Himself, Look at What He Did to Poor Sad-Eyed Woobie Jaskier' fics i read the more i'm fucking grateful for the tiny handful where jaskier's just been like, yeah, i never bought that bullshit tbh, he was lashing out and he owes me an apology for sure but a single angry outburst does not in fact scupper an extremely well-established relationship of literally twenty years' standing in one fell swoop???
like i just. idk. imagine remembering that jaskier's a cheery irrepressible little shit and not actually as crushably low on self-esteem as all of us are. of course that would probably require *netflix* to have remembered that, so, you know, no actual shade to anyone who's been projecting that onto him! but just like. idk. they're obviously not siblings but they honestly do have that vibe in certain ways and it's just like. did you never say something overdramatic and shitty in the heat of a fight with yr sibling growing up and then after taking a bit of a breather just like. make a rueful face and apologize for yr respective roles in winding each other up and move tf on, without having, like, a whole extended OTT reparations process where you tell them repeatedly how perfect and sinless they are and how you know you're a miserable worm who doesn't remotely deserve their sunshiny presence in your life but would be so grateful if they could, possibly, somehow, see their way to forgiving you despite yr essential unworthiness—
#anyway. i think there are like. MAYBE like three of you reading this blog who give a shit abt this fandom‚ lol#so i'm mostly just talking out loud to myself here‚ which is fine‚ what's a perblog for if not that#but it's just like. yeah on the one hand you don't just get to yell at people without apologizing at all#on the other hand like. some relationships are strong and elastic enough that one (1) snip is not going to cut them#even a vicious one!#also like. jaskier DID handle that convo clumsily lbr. like. obviously geralt was not Justified but.#if i'd just had a vicious breakup and somebody came bumbling in making loud awkward small talk about it? jesus.#anyway. really ultimately this is just a 'have consumed much too much witcher fic and the Patterns are starting 2 irk me' thing#but it's just like. sometimes things are conflict between two imperfect people#and not a Good Woobie and a Sinful Meanie#anyway. time 2 go reread Sekrit Mutual's fic in which they actually keep in mind the fact that jaskier is a selfish gremlin#who despite himself really does love geralt and as a result is like. constantly torn between his nature and his urge to do right by geralt#but like. fundamentally he's a buffoon and a popinjay who yaps aggressively and then runs back behind geralt's legs#and joey batey leaning into his Soulful and Romantic side (that he does also have) doesn't actually erase that about him‚ nor should it!#anyway. this post is careening all over the place but i think it's just like. exactly the same weird terfish moral binary#that ppl have been talking abt with like. gender and kink and a whole range of things#where like. you always have Victims and Perpetrators#and so jaskier has to be like. the femme bottom victim which makes geralt the macho perpetrator totally undeserving of sympathy#and it's like. actually they're both imperfect people and neither one fits very well into their society's idea of what a man is#and what if we actually examined them as individuals rather than tropes and also remembered yennefer was fierce and interesting#and what if ciri weren't‚ like‚ a manhattan private school girl with her brows done while we were at it#getting a little overambitious with my wishlist there though i know
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I just saw scott pilgrim fanart and anytime anything makes me remember Scott Pilgrim my brain goes into overdrive about how bad the movie was for the story, actually.
Great movie it deserved to be successful but hooooooooly shit they just removed like, every actual part of Scott figuring out his problems and confronting them and trying to be a better person. Scott Pilgrim is one of those top-tier "shitty dudes idolize him for entirely wrong reasons" but unlike Tyler Durden or Tony Montana or whatever it's not that the deconstruction fundamentally fails to target the object of deconstruction, it's literally just what the movie shows.
#Scott Pilgrim#He had an alcoholic phase in college and routinely rewrites his memories to make the women he fucked over the aggressors#You can kinda forgive it cause the 6th book was still being written but they cut Gideon's ex girlfriends that made the parallel like#really fucking obvious#I cannot even begin to imagine what O'Malley thought the message he was sending when he originally wanted Scott to end up back with Knives#But honestly *not* ending up with Ramona would've been a starker conclusion to his character arc#Not that it's bad as is and if Ramona leaves you run the risk of putting her in the position of a tool for a man's character arc anyway but#you know what I'm saying right? The whole 'power of love' 'power of understanding' thing?#and the movie replaces the understanding sword with a self-respect sword centering Scott EVEN MORE#Not making Ramona the crux of his development because that's not her job like#She deserves happiness to and after deconstructing the manic pixie dream girl thing she can actually have that#I dunno I'm torn on it#my bullshit#seriously though wtf was the message of the initial Knives ending supposed to be
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My caseload is nearly full up and at this point more than half are seeing me specifically for autism/adhd related care, and I am on deck for consultation with 2 other providers who are working with clients whose schedules were incompatible with mine and my god sometimes it really does suddenly occur to me that I have become the primary therapist for autism related care throughout a solid 1/4 of the state because it's literally either me or the local hospital affiliates.
My clients are thriving and I have never been happier than while gradually moving with them through healing.
#i recognize that this probably sounds like a humble brag and like#yeah probably but also im just so proud of my clients?#i'm proud of my colleagues and how they handle consultation with me?#i'm proud of my boss for suddenly pivoting when she realized what was happening and prioritizing supporting me#i'm also so very torn because it's clear my boss wants me to run the practice with her and that will mean giving up most of my clients#and i think i would actually hate having to transition most of my autistic clients lmao#i may have to work with gradually training my mentee to take over those cases for me because I think she's probably best suited#she'll definitely need training but I think she'll pick it up beautifully#largely because she keeps delightedly telling me that she knew we were twins cuz our brains are the same and im like#bestie#that's the autism#literally there are at least 3 probably 4 of us autistic bitches just all slowly gathering into the primary staff group here#it's fucking great
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🌻
#sometimes you gotta use your tumblr blog to monologue🧡 or often if you're me#one of the interesting things about going from being a young adult to just a straight up adult is how in a matter of 3-4-5 years---#---the foundation of your daily life can and usually will change so drastically#i think back five years and except for my boyfriend. none of the cornerstones of my day-to-day existence back then exist anymore#the friends i saw on a regular basis no longer live here. they've all moved to other parts of the country#work friends aside i now have...four friends left here. as opposed to the 10-12 i had back then#they're scattered all over the country and i'm lucky if i get to see most of them once a year#the job i loved and adored is no longer one i'm working#it actually doesn't exist at all anymore. the building was torn down and the patients scattered all over town#the path i'd gotten started on in life in terms of education and work is no longer one i'm pursuing#the lifestyle i led is a far cry from the one i'm currently leading#and it's funny is all cos you don't realise that all of these changes are happening in the moment#you just look up one day and realise that a whole part of your life is over#this is starting to sound very sad but that's not it at all#cos truth be told youth is no guarantee for happiness. not in my experience anyway#is there a part of me that looks back and feels a little wistful about the carefree existence i had back then? absolutely#but do i wish to be in my early 20s again? no i do not cos at the time i was fighting battles that i've now overcome#and i have far healthier and more fulfilling sources of joy and happiness in my life now than i did back then#i do think 2018 me would have been lowkey horrified to hear that 2020 me got back into the fangirl lifestyle and that 2023 me is still there#cos i'm fairly certain 2018 me thought that was a past chapter#and that i should've long since grown out of it#but i'd never wanna be without all the good things that faceplanting into the 5sos fandom has brought me#like...even not counting 5sos themselves and everything they are and everything they do---#---i'd NEVER wanna be without all the amazing experiences and encounters that being a fan of theirs have brought me#now i'm just sidetracking cos i'm getting a lil emo#point is that the passage of time is very welcome but also very odd when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture of things
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i got to see four of my biggest heroes in person, relatively close-up recently :)
#myevilposts#got to see fob but not saying which date bc i don't wanna doxx myself somehow 🙃#i was screaming and crying like i was being torn limb from limb though 👍#AND LIKE UGHHHHH the magic 8 ball song was one of my faves so like i fucking won.#it was sooooooooo much fun i have never screamed or cried so much in so short a period of time. tbh!!!!!!!!!!!#my favorite part was when i went to the fall out boy concert to see fall out boy and fall out boy came out and played fall out boy songs#beforehand i was thinking like hmm i'm probably going to cry if they play 'fake out' and they're almost definitely going to play it#so there's a pretty good chance i'm going to cry. then they come out and start playing 'love from the other side'#and i burst into tears 😭😭😭😭#then when they actually do get around to playing 'fake out' i start full force sobbing. like 'my bestie just got murdered in front of me'#levels of wailing and crying.#the thing is that i can almost guarantee i was not the only person crying at the fob show. and i am not the first nor last person#to cry over seeing fob live. guaranteed.#DEFINITELY wasn't the only person screaming my head off at least!!!!!#fall out boy
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