#I'll try to make it better tonight
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“... we live in a world today where truth is challenged more and more and we must make an effort to protect it, none of us are above it.”
#i don't like the liiiight#I'll try to make it better tonight#but my god i feel so happy for him#he deserves all the recognition#hope it gets better for him#sebastian stan#sebastianstanedit#sebstanedit#fysebastianstan#sstanedit#stansclan#gbbb#festival de deauville#a different man
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Local parent visits child and comments on the shyness of one of the cats in the household, child decides not to mention that said cat has literally never met a human she didn't try to climb like a cat tree while headbutting them for attention, more at 11
#gee mom i wonder why lup wouldn't like you#would it happen to have anything to do with your approaches to cat training and child rearing which involved a lot of screaming?#maybe she smells it on you that if she tried to meow at you#you might try to 'train' her out of it by yowling in her face like you did to all of YOUR cats#maybe she just smells it on you that you slapped the shit out of me one time because I flipped you off during an argument#anyway lup hates mom and yelled at me about having let her take over lup's space for like 10min after they left#i apologized and will fo so again tonight with catnip and dehydrated salmon#amara did great tho! mostly disliked rene (lmao correctly smelling the man on her I think but that's a whole separate thing that happened#god my parents are exhausting#they weren't even over for 5 whole hours and I have a cramp in my shoulder and a fuckening migraine#oh! she did at least bring me a better migraine abortive#i'll take that when I get home and massage some oil into my neck before heating it#oh man#a massage oil heatpack on my shoulders and hips sounds incredible right now I really should make a rice sack for that eventually#should buy myself some yarn this month and knit things
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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"Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight.
It must have been something you said."
#Reverse Kevedd#Im trying new art styles!#I'll make kevin look better i promise-#Rev Kevedd#I just died in your arms tonight' song by cutting crew
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ㅤbeen thinking today about how byan's anger can be really scary to witness... it's very... raw. anger is the emotion they feel the most intensely, and the one they filter the least. it's raw, it's heated, and it's very instinct-driven — they have very little control over it, and they're certainly not thinking before they do or say anything. impulses are followed, whether it's to lash out and cause harm to whatever has hurt them, or to throw or break whatever is within arm's reach just to release even a little bit of the energy that's overwhelming them. they don't know what else to do with it. literally no thoughts, all that their mind can focus on is the emotion; they just want to get it out and stop feeling this way (and/or ensure the person who's pissed them off gets what they deserve) and they'll do whatever it takes to ensure that. i think that lack of control really shows too, like it's palpable in the air and adds an extra layer of discomfort and uncertainty if you're in the same room as them. concern for one's own safety is valid in such a scenario too tbh, because they have hurt people in the past who they never would have caused harm to normally (both directly and indirectly; sometimes by their own hand, other times as an unintended consequence of them throwing/breaking something). it's not something they're proud of, but they also just... don't know what to do about it. ...they're honestly afraid of their own anger, at times. afraid of what they're capable of and what they might one day do.
#there's also a lot of yelling and cursing...... screaming too but that's only in THE MOST extreme cases#and they've been known to hurt themself if there's nothing else around to take the anger out on.#or like. unintentionally hurting themself by punching walls & getting into fights and shit#this is an absolute mess it's just me spewing my thoughts to get them out of my head#one day i'll write a proper & cleaner headcanon about it... explain it better...#but i'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into actual coherent & detailed words tonight so just like. take this for now lmao#byan is such an emotional creature & they don't know how to regulate what they feel#they just feel it and must do something about it...#am i making sense?? is what i'm trying to convey coming through??#i'm so annoyed bc i can't find half the words i'm searching for to properly explain this the way i want to lmao#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.
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Inbox call. I would like to do something smol after a long time without doing so, so please boop that heart if you want an IC ask from Dain ♥︎
#I think I'll try to write something tonight too#we'll see#I'm feeling better from the cold#and soon I'll have an easter break#of a week and a half#so that's plenty of time to make up for the writing#I couldn't deliver these past weeks!#in the meantime please accept a humble smol 👉🏻👈🏻
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I honestly really wish I had my ketamine today instead of last Friday and next Friday. I'm doing every other week, but I've been feeling really depressed the last few days
#like yesterday i was literally lying on the couch crying because i couldn't feel joy from activities that i usually do#and i was struggling to even eat because nothing sounded good because depression just makes everything feel so dull#and i was struggling a lot at work too which has usually been better for the last few months#idk it's probably partially situational because of the election#probably triggering my feelings of hoplelessness#i was also pretty stressed about registering for classes for the spring because you can't register while on a medical leave of absence#but i got that sorted out and was able to register. i should have a decision about whether they decide to reinstate me by the end of the mon#maybe going back to school will be good for me. I'll have lots of assignments and studying to keep me busy#and maybe it will be helpful to be surrounded by peers even though most my friends have graduated#I'll probably try to get drunk and watch a movie with my bunny tonight
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good morning!! <333
#same as usual today hehe#i need to write more prompts today bc i didn't yesterday#(was too busy rewatching arle's story quest to get screenshots hehe)#but i'll try to write at least 1/2 prompts today so I'm still ahead for the next few days#we do have to go get my id renewed (it expires tomorrow lol - i really do need to learn to drive soon)#but yeah pretty normal stuff for the most part ^^#gosh i really wanna get better about talking on here more often but like my brain rarely gives me proper f/o thoughts so lol#oh yeah also i made it past the next little section in echoes so I'll get to make more progress there :3#anyways i hope today/tonight is kind to you!!!! <333#morning rambles
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Got my writing session yesterday cut short by a visual migraine that got to the point where I couldn't see the keyboard anymore, and now the damn thing is *back* and idk yet if I'll be able to write later -.-
#and i can't very well keep chugging coffee at this time of day to make it go away#there's still some coke in the fridge that i'll try in a sec (although it's probably flat as well by now)#but i'm in suuuuch a mood to start the rbei!bob prompt fill for january...#this is mean. i usually *never* get this shit two days in a row#let alone at this intensity#...i'm pretty much blind rn. at least on the left eye the right is a bit better.#i can deal with a headache but this static shit in front of my eyes is *really* annoying#kaj rambles#to delete later#if anyone knows any home remedies i'd love to hear about it because my only one is caffeine and i would like to be able to sleep tonight
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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Want to actually kill myself :-/
#not really 😿#i just. i feel that i am making a mistake 😿 and it's horrible because the mistake i am making is the only thing i have ever really wanted#its fucking worth it i guess. is it? apparently love is worth it even when it makes you want to die#maybe love shouldnt make you want to die. maybe its me thats broken. if its good and beautiful i dont deserve it but if it's hard and ugly#then you just hate yourself because it must be your fault and you must be able to do better#and i just love her so much but what if she cant get better. i know she can. but what if i cant save her#what if i end up so much more doomed for my efforts. what if i spend another two years trying to keep my head above water trying to solve#unsolvable problems and fighting a loosing battle against someone who?#should be my partner my friend my equal#trying to fill someones head with love and goodness in vein because they wont let go or loosen their grip on their trauma responses#will i really be able to live the life i want to live if i keep promising her the world. what if i just fail once again for thebillionthtime#what if i make her hate me what if im still not enough.i am setting myself up to get my heart broken in themost spectacular worldending way.#and its actually horrifying. i want to live under a fucking rock forever and never make any fri3nds ever again because maybe I'll finally#feel safe that way. yay#who up catastrophising with me tonight. yippee. lets all hold hands so tight
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Gotta write a production report for two songs we recorded and I'm gonna have to do at least a third of it for a group of 6 after having done about half of the recording and editing work for one of these two projects...all that cause I still haven't found an internship so I can't just say : do it without me.
It's a little exhausting. I know they will work if I really push them but they'll do it super late and I'll have to revise it when I get back home from the small concert I've allowed myself to go instead of my portuguese lesson (brazilian artist so it's all good my teacher said, I still feel bad) and I'll have to run around tomorrow morning to print it and I'll assume the cost again.
It's...yeah it's exhausting. And my thesis is so far behind, and I still have no internship. I wanna keep strong but man that diploma is slipping away from me. I'm not even sure I have good enough grades at my exams now !
#yeah ok the anxiety is back#I have meds that are over the counter so like not great stuff but I'll just chug that down and hope it does something#plus I'm super stressed cause some of them are coming to a small party at my place (for once that I'm alone without my brother there)#and I was talkign with one of them (the closer one) about maybe coming out to them and he said yeah if you want :)#but now one of them is bringing his girlfriend and I am noooot doing that but also my place is a very intimate space for me#I so rarely invite people over because of that#I should stop drinking coffee it might be helping#my head is killing me#I'm so close to giving up on my studies all together and reimburse my mom#but I don't want to !! the people that inspire me the people i look up to the people i want to be like fought for it and never gave up#I'm not even sure I'm made for these studies. I have no ambition I just want to make people happy with music but the kind I love doesn't#really require me ? cause it's mostly small concerts with acoustics instruments#maybe I should have gone into idk social work but I'm pretty sure I would be way too anxious for it same reason i can't be a therapist#and the situation at home isn't much better rn#I really need to breath rn or I'm gonna be out of commission for so long that it will be even more stressful to do the reports at midnight#I'm gonna chicken out tonight as well and just stand there and listen and not talk to the artist afterwards and try to use the portuguese#I've learned nooo I'm just gonna default to english or french
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wouldn't it be funny if I could write again lollollol........
#got a very sweet comment on a fic today and I was like oh my god. oh my goddddddd. ppl *still* like my stuff.#ppl still like my silly little stupid little stuff that I had stupid silly fin working on & it's dumb and silly but I shared it!#and ppl like it!#and I'm like not pushing myself anymore. like before I was kinda trying to force shit to happen#like sitting in bed with an open notebook/laptop like CREATE BITCH!#and I'm not doing that anymore lol and being on my meds has really made me feel SO much better#but also like I just don't.... have any ideas anymore. can't rotate blorbo like a rotisserie chicken anymore#I lay down to go to sleep now and because my body is not operating under severe extreme toxic anxiety levels anymore#I just fckn fall asleep. like I'm OUT. good night. sleepin. snoozin. zonked. 7+ hours.#no more blorbo thoughts at the end of the day I'm TIRED and my brain FINALLY shuts off#I hope one day I'll write again. I had so much fun with it. I have had a couple Thoughts#since I have been on my meds#but they're nothing more than a few quick sentences scrawled in a notebook.#it's like I'm doing so much other stuff and having fun in other ways and SLEEPING FINLALLY SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY#there's just like zero processing left for original blorbo ideas#this doesn't make sense and I bet you were all relieved cause I haven't ranted in tags in like months but hahaha#🤡 I STAY HONKIN'!!!! 🤡#(I'm actually really in a really good place mentally rn I promise like the best I've felt in years I'm just ahhh!! tonight lol)#erin explains it all
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*reading an email from my dear friend Jonathan*
Hey, that paprika hendl stuff sounds pretty good! Maybe I'll make it for dinner!
#I'll post photos and the family recipe later tonight#I grew up on chicken paprikash haha I was so excited when I saw this in year one#I was gonna do it last night so I'd have leftovers ready today but alas#chronic illness you tricksy bitch#I'm feeling a little better today tho so I'm gonna try and do it#do you guys know how to make spaetzle coz you're gonna find out#dracula daily
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Saying "meals under $5" that have a thousand ingredients that you only use a tiny bit of, to me, is like saying "if you have all of these in your house already it's free"
#like it's not free?#and it's DEFINITELY NOT UNDER 5 DOLLARS#i'll tell you my reasoning#these ppl who make these videos are always youtubers or influencers etc who have money and are trying to cater#+ to ppl who don't have money#but they have no fucking idea what not having money is like#yes i can buy a packet of pasta for $2 and make several dishes with it so yes it's cheaper in the long run#BUT if i only have $2 ... am i only gonna eat pasta? with nothing else?#i could go to mcdonalds with those $2 and get in the 1€ menu a cheesburger and a coke (in portugal)#(i am using the pricings in my reality but i hope it's understandable enough)#if say i only have $10 for my dinner tonight i could go buy groceries#but making this recipe would NOT cost me the 10 dollars#specially not with 10 dif sauces that are $9 each lmao#it's like 'oh you should buy more expensive boots bc they will last longer and are better quality' but#.... IF ONE PAIR COSTS 100€ AND I ONLY HAVE 30€ I CANNOT CHOOSE#i literally CANNOT choose between them because i don't have any more than 30€#getting back to the food thing i can get a full meal in a lot of restaurants in portugal for 10#10€ but i guarantee i cannot cook one dish with maybe a dessert under 10€#THESE ANNOY ME SO FUCKING MUCH I SWEAR
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hey hey thee thee (1)
I liketh (2) not thy girlfriend!
(no way, no way!)
Methinks thou need'st a new one
(hey, hey, thee, thee!)
I could be thy girlfriend!
(hey, hey, thee, thee!)
I know thou dost like me!
(no way, no way!)
Thou know'st 'tis no secret
(hey, hey, thee, thee!)
I would be thy girlfriend!
(1) yeah it should be thou but c'mon thee sounds better here
(2) honestly idk if this should be like or if liketh is acceptable but I refuse to look anything up at this moment
#there remain 2 points upon which I am unclear but which I refuse to look up#numero uno is the 'I liketh not' of the first line correct or should it be 'I like not'? I think the -th ending is for 3rd person but I can#shake the feeling that I've heard it in first person - but that might just be from people making a mockery of Early Modern English?#but anyway I liked how it sounded better with that extr syllable#y numero dos ought it be 'hey thee' or 'hey thou'. Because I prefer the sound of 'thee' but like. I really don't know. If I'm just yelling#at someone what case is that? OH WAIT I can compare it to other languages okay#I've been trying to compare it third person in English but that doesn't work for this scenario really#uhhhh anyway. Hmmm. In the other language versions of this song. I believe it's 'hey tu' and 'hey du'. Not 'hey te' and 'hey dich'. Or ti#or dir. so okay well. I am still not changing it but I'll add a footnote#goodnight everyone. This is what I was singing in the shower tonight and I just needed to share it
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