#I'll try to make it better tonight
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“... we live in a world today where truth is challenged more and more and we must make an effort to protect it, none of us are above it.”
#i don't like the liiiight#I'll try to make it better tonight#but my god i feel so happy for him#he deserves all the recognition#hope it gets better for him#sebastian stan#sebastianstanedit#sebstanedit#fysebastianstan#sstanedit#stansclan#gbbb#festival de deauville#a different man
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okay!!! got a couple short replies to tiny starters crammed into my (still paused) queue... it's not much, but it's something. tomorrow i'll try to get a bit more done, maybe restart the queue, etc. etc., but. yeah. baby steps.
#drafts are now under 50 but i still have more things i'll probably delete i just. apparently need time to let the decision fully settle ig?#or need to make sure i'll be able to get new threads going with those people? before deleting them?#idk. idk! all i do know is that i accomplished a few things today and that's a good thing#something something need to start slow to start building energy back up#i'm being a lot more conscious about my energy spending & capabilities (not just w/ writing but w/ everything)#bc if i just let myself go i fall into this awful cycle of#overdoing it ⇾ needing to recover ⇾ things pile back up ⇾ overwhelm & avoidance & spiraling ⇾ rinse; repeat#determined to actually get better this year. even if it's gonna be really slow going.#i am once again thanking all of u for ur patience w/ me during this time ♡#ok i'm gonna go play my stupid gacha games n maybe try to sleep earlier tonight so i can have more hours#where my brain feels like it can Do Things tomorrow#love you guys. like seriously so much. ♡♡♡#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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Local parent visits child and comments on the shyness of one of the cats in the household, child decides not to mention that said cat has literally never met a human she didn't try to climb like a cat tree while headbutting them for attention, more at 11
#gee mom i wonder why lup wouldn't like you#would it happen to have anything to do with your approaches to cat training and child rearing which involved a lot of screaming?#maybe she smells it on you that if she tried to meow at you#you might try to 'train' her out of it by yowling in her face like you did to all of YOUR cats#maybe she just smells it on you that you slapped the shit out of me one time because I flipped you off during an argument#anyway lup hates mom and yelled at me about having let her take over lup's space for like 10min after they left#i apologized and will fo so again tonight with catnip and dehydrated salmon#amara did great tho! mostly disliked rene (lmao correctly smelling the man on her I think but that's a whole separate thing that happened#god my parents are exhausting#they weren't even over for 5 whole hours and I have a cramp in my shoulder and a fuckening migraine#oh! she did at least bring me a better migraine abortive#i'll take that when I get home and massage some oil into my neck before heating it#oh man#a massage oil heatpack on my shoulders and hips sounds incredible right now I really should make a rice sack for that eventually#should buy myself some yarn this month and knit things
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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Yo Tumblr once again doesn't wanna do a link properly but new chapter of my fic is up.
#not a reblog#i'll make a better post later#and actually tag the relevant things#but i'm almost at the end i wanna get stuff out there#i'm exercising a lot of restraint by not posting all of it tonight but i'm trying to pace it out
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Not to be political on my silly side blog but just. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
#so i knew things were going to be bad i promise y'all I'm not dumb#and i know things are so much worse for so many people already and I'm in maybe one of the best positions anyone can be in in this moment#but like as of today it's feeling almost certain that my mom's job which has been such a huge improvement to her mental health#and such a huge move to help her feel better#and more confident with change is not going to be renewed and i know that's basically unnoticeable conpared even just to the impact#of that one executive order alone not to mention every other horrible thing he's done i just. it's the straw that broke the camels back ig#bc ig i knew he was going to be awful towards immigrants and latinos and trans folk so i was bracing for that not him trying to distroy our#colleges#idk guys it's just so much all at once and we will make it bc we have to but I'm scared#ok politics over I'm sorry for sll thst I'll try to get a pinup piece out tonight to make up for it#us politics
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I honestly really wish I had my ketamine today instead of last Friday and next Friday. I'm doing every other week, but I've been feeling really depressed the last few days
#like yesterday i was literally lying on the couch crying because i couldn't feel joy from activities that i usually do#and i was struggling to even eat because nothing sounded good because depression just makes everything feel so dull#and i was struggling a lot at work too which has usually been better for the last few months#idk it's probably partially situational because of the election#probably triggering my feelings of hoplelessness#i was also pretty stressed about registering for classes for the spring because you can't register while on a medical leave of absence#but i got that sorted out and was able to register. i should have a decision about whether they decide to reinstate me by the end of the mon#maybe going back to school will be good for me. I'll have lots of assignments and studying to keep me busy#and maybe it will be helpful to be surrounded by peers even though most my friends have graduated#I'll probably try to get drunk and watch a movie with my bunny tonight
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good morning!! <333
#same as usual today hehe#i need to write more prompts today bc i didn't yesterday#(was too busy rewatching arle's story quest to get screenshots hehe)#but i'll try to write at least 1/2 prompts today so I'm still ahead for the next few days#we do have to go get my id renewed (it expires tomorrow lol - i really do need to learn to drive soon)#but yeah pretty normal stuff for the most part ^^#gosh i really wanna get better about talking on here more often but like my brain rarely gives me proper f/o thoughts so lol#oh yeah also i made it past the next little section in echoes so I'll get to make more progress there :3#anyways i hope today/tonight is kind to you!!!! <333#morning rambles
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Got my writing session yesterday cut short by a visual migraine that got to the point where I couldn't see the keyboard anymore, and now the damn thing is *back* and idk yet if I'll be able to write later -.-
#and i can't very well keep chugging coffee at this time of day to make it go away#there's still some coke in the fridge that i'll try in a sec (although it's probably flat as well by now)#but i'm in suuuuch a mood to start the rbei!bob prompt fill for january...#this is mean. i usually *never* get this shit two days in a row#let alone at this intensity#...i'm pretty much blind rn. at least on the left eye the right is a bit better.#i can deal with a headache but this static shit in front of my eyes is *really* annoying#kaj rambles#to delete later#if anyone knows any home remedies i'd love to hear about it because my only one is caffeine and i would like to be able to sleep tonight
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Gotta write a production report for two songs we recorded and I'm gonna have to do at least a third of it for a group of 6 after having done about half of the recording and editing work for one of these two projects...all that cause I still haven't found an internship so I can't just say : do it without me.
It's a little exhausting. I know they will work if I really push them but they'll do it super late and I'll have to revise it when I get back home from the small concert I've allowed myself to go instead of my portuguese lesson (brazilian artist so it's all good my teacher said, I still feel bad) and I'll have to run around tomorrow morning to print it and I'll assume the cost again.
It's...yeah it's exhausting. And my thesis is so far behind, and I still have no internship. I wanna keep strong but man that diploma is slipping away from me. I'm not even sure I have good enough grades at my exams now !
#yeah ok the anxiety is back#I have meds that are over the counter so like not great stuff but I'll just chug that down and hope it does something#plus I'm super stressed cause some of them are coming to a small party at my place (for once that I'm alone without my brother there)#and I was talkign with one of them (the closer one) about maybe coming out to them and he said yeah if you want :)#but now one of them is bringing his girlfriend and I am noooot doing that but also my place is a very intimate space for me#I so rarely invite people over because of that#I should stop drinking coffee it might be helping#my head is killing me#I'm so close to giving up on my studies all together and reimburse my mom#but I don't want to !! the people that inspire me the people i look up to the people i want to be like fought for it and never gave up#I'm not even sure I'm made for these studies. I have no ambition I just want to make people happy with music but the kind I love doesn't#really require me ? cause it's mostly small concerts with acoustics instruments#maybe I should have gone into idk social work but I'm pretty sure I would be way too anxious for it same reason i can't be a therapist#and the situation at home isn't much better rn#I really need to breath rn or I'm gonna be out of commission for so long that it will be even more stressful to do the reports at midnight#I'm gonna chicken out tonight as well and just stand there and listen and not talk to the artist afterwards and try to use the portuguese#I've learned nooo I'm just gonna default to english or french
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*reading an email from my dear friend Jonathan*
Hey, that paprika hendl stuff sounds pretty good! Maybe I'll make it for dinner!
#I'll post photos and the family recipe later tonight#I grew up on chicken paprikash haha I was so excited when I saw this in year one#I was gonna do it last night so I'd have leftovers ready today but alas#chronic illness you tricksy bitch#I'm feeling a little better today tho so I'm gonna try and do it#do you guys know how to make spaetzle coz you're gonna find out#dracula daily
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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
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hey hey thee thee (1)
I liketh (2) not thy girlfriend!
(no way, no way!)
Methinks thou need'st a new one
(hey, hey, thee, thee!)
I could be thy girlfriend!
(hey, hey, thee, thee!)
I know thou dost like me!
(no way, no way!)
Thou know'st 'tis no secret
(hey, hey, thee, thee!)
I would be thy girlfriend!
(1) yeah it should be thou but c'mon thee sounds better here
(2) honestly idk if this should be like or if liketh is acceptable but I refuse to look anything up at this moment
#there remain 2 points upon which I am unclear but which I refuse to look up#numero uno is the 'I liketh not' of the first line correct or should it be 'I like not'? I think the -th ending is for 3rd person but I can#shake the feeling that I've heard it in first person - but that might just be from people making a mockery of Early Modern English?#but anyway I liked how it sounded better with that extr syllable#y numero dos ought it be 'hey thee' or 'hey thou'. Because I prefer the sound of 'thee' but like. I really don't know. If I'm just yelling#at someone what case is that? OH WAIT I can compare it to other languages okay#I've been trying to compare it third person in English but that doesn't work for this scenario really#uhhhh anyway. Hmmm. In the other language versions of this song. I believe it's 'hey tu' and 'hey du'. Not 'hey te' and 'hey dich'. Or ti#or dir. so okay well. I am still not changing it but I'll add a footnote#goodnight everyone. This is what I was singing in the shower tonight and I just needed to share it
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hard thing about Being Me is i will write things that are So Good but i cannot show them to people because it will mentally destroy them
#i have enough songs about the redacted situation to make a BANGING ep#but tonight i'm going to stop writing songs about other people and write about me#ALSO i have my keyboard now!!!!!!! so i'm gonna play some piano#which i'll feel more comfortable doing at night because it's a daw and i can use my headphones on it :)#[guy who experienced One moment of being known and loved that no one else knows about] omg the world is a beautiful place???#just. being appreciated despite all of my intense mental shit really Gets me.#is it a bit messed up that i only feel validated when people relate me to media??? maybe. but we COPE.#ANYWAYS are most of my friends going to be on the other side of the country for the next few days?? yes.#but i am going to do things without them. i'm going to live. sick of wallowing sick of rotting sick of sadness.#I'M GOING TO COMPILE THE [REDACTED] SONGS INTO AN EP TRACKLIST BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY#and i will work on editing wrex and holland and drafting my emails to theatre people i want to talk to#i am a PERSON who can DO THINGS. i am NOT my trauma or my mental illnesses.#kind of realised that being around people but specifically my close friends/family makes my mental illnesses a lot worse#which i don't know how to Deconstruct yet but i will talk to my therapist#but i'm trying to be better. i Want to be better.
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good morning!! <3
#wah i actually didn't make progress on her story quest yesterday#ended up laying down for a little bit (which i like rarely try to take naps but you know how it is lol)#anyways!!#today should be better#i wanna at least get through the second of the four quests in it#maybe more if i have the energy#other than that...#probably just trying to relax for the most part#i still have to take the trash out today so that's important#but like i'll write only if i really have the energy/motivation#no point forcing it when i don't feel well lol#anyways~#i hope today/tonight is good to you <3#morning rambles
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my headache is finally going away, so we'll see if i manage anything before i pass out! i have the urge to write but i also have the urge to work on combining my muse lists on @diliqence, though that means deciding on an aesthetic to stick with and i don't wanna think about that rn uvu i'm not sure i even have it in me to move muse pages, so!! we really will just see.
#i'm having soft fluffy thoughts so that might be what i try to write tonight#and i apologize if i do end up leaning into fluff a lot in the near future -- it's already a favorite of mine#but when i'm stressed it's also what makes me feel better#getting to write anything that focuses on character growth and relationship growth gets me happy tbh#but fluff is like comfort food or eating a sweet treat after a hard day :' )#anywayyyyy i think i'll hop over to diliqence to make a notice about my plans for the blog and then get to looking at my drafts and inbox#i hope today has been kind to everyone <3#get ready to ramble | ooc
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