#I'VE BEEN WANTING TO POST THESE FOR A WEEK GOD I HATE EXAMS WEEK

[that-spider-fan-over-there]

Uh, shot-in-the-dark predictions for MHA 424 (which are variations of the same thing), for who's gonna catch Izuku:

Izuku is gonna be caught by Tenko, reborn like he's a butterfly; whether he uses a new form of his Quirk or unlocks the one he was born with is between Horikoshi and God XD. It'd be cool if we get Tenko looking almost the same but with his original black hair; the trauma isn't gonna go away but it's more of a destruction of the physical (and artificial as well) similarities between him and AFO, you know? (And he'd look like Nana; I'm craving to see Toshinori's reaction).

Alternatively, (and this is just because I miss him), Mirio catches him. Which, if Izuku has a breakdown, this would convince him he wasn't worthy of being a hero and I crave that sweet sweet hurt/comfort of him thinking he wasn't worthy in the first place only to be proven wrong by everyone else. Besides, Mirio's the one who believes thanks to Sir Nighteye a world without bright smiles doesn't lead to a bright future, it'd be a nice parallel.

Or Izuku's fully unconscious, still has Float (ember or the Quirk without Nana's vestige) and it saves him. Tenko transferred OFA without him realizing and we get more vestige world shenanigans to bring Tenko back (I hope; otherwise why did we have a memory lane for four people?)

I'm excluding the possibility of Katsuki saving him because this mf has a busted arm and his heart's not 100% healed (duh). He would be the type of person to use his legs like Izuku or his teeth (again) but. Nah, let him rest, he also deserves a break.

I believe in Equivalent Exchange and BKDK karma tho (/hj) so depending on how bad discourse got in the last weeks, we're getting an Izuku saying "Kacchan" at least, because that's how it works in this fandom, I'm convinced XD. Anime's just said it's last one for a while so it could happen.

[quickstappen]

track 005: this is for the best

A/N: we are slowly getting to the plot guys ;)) (also!! lando norris is a race winner! fucking finally) ignore the dates, also there might be some typos, sorry

A/N: i am so fucking sorry guys, but! as of today, i officially passed all my exams and now i have the whole summer to do absolutely nothing, no studying for me (fucking finally) so i'm actually gonna start updating, i already have a first part of a OP81 smau lined uo ready to go ;)

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liked by charles_leclerc, lance_stroll and others

marcilazzaro1 life lately ;) thank you for waiting, i am back and happier than ever, it's good to see Monza again

tagged: scuderiaferrari, charles_leclerc

see all comments...

shithappens SHE IS BACK!!

↳ ilpredestinatox i am so normal about this

nyoomf1 oh god, mother is back

charlies_sun good to have you back, this was getting ridiculous without you

↳ elplanxincoming so true!

madi_races don't fall in love with Marceline challenge (level impossible)

↳ strollingaway mate don't call me out like that

gorgeous_aa23 I'm sorry but that picture with charles?? what are they doing???

↳ cuddlyxricc it looks suspiciously lot like they're doing a hot lap

↳ gorgeous_aa23 that's what i meannn!!

↳ carrie_on no cause i'd literally die if they did that

redleclerc i am so not surprised that her first post in months is at monza

↳ redmilton_ the ferrari genes are strong i fear

quickstappen marci behind a camera?? does this mean... new projects?

↳ screwderriaf1 i want you to be right, i also don't wanna clown

↳ quickstappen does that meant that there's two wolves inside you mayhaps...?

↳ screwderriaf1 i hate you.

hammertime_1 i feel like we skipped over the whole "news of the season" way to quickly,, like... that happened??

↳ ilpredestinatox i also feel like it was important, let's talk

↳ hammertime_1 i wanna know what blondecedes thinks about this

↳ blondecedes i try not to think generally

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marci's messages

mick's messages

liked by sebastianvettel, clairobernie_x and others

marcilazzaro1 I have been a part of this sport for 185 Grand Prix weekends (counting the COTA GP weekend that's starting today), I spent the last 123 in Rosso Corsa. I have missed only 8 race weekends during the whole eight years that I have worked in Formula 1. I've never had to take any extended leave. That's why this next months are gonna be so different, maybe difficult, but I'm ready for this next challenge.

Don't worry, I'll be back, you won't even notice that I was gone ;)

thank you for the memories scuderiaferrari, I'll see you soon.

see all comments...

blondecedes EXCUSE ME?? what is happening, i don't understand

shithappens what-

clairobernie_x you need to visit me now that you won't be going 'round the world every other week!

↳ marcilazzaro1 or you could just come to Switzerland and we can hang out?

↳ quickstappen i'm sorry, switzerland??? since when??

albono_23 what do you mean extended leave?? we just got you back??

brunolazzaro_03 workaholic

↳ marcilazzaro1 shut up

charles_leclerc I'm so happy for you! Can't wait to visit my favourites 🤍

↳ marcilazzaro1 Charlie 🥹 we'll be waiting

↳ ilpredestinatox GIRL- who is we

sarah_scott Can't believe my girl is so grown up, and it's all thanks to me

↳ marcilazzaro1 don't flatter yourself darling

↳ lance_stroll I strictly remember you claiming no involvement in this whole situation

↳ lewibear what is happening, why is my favorite f1 content creator catching strays form lance stroll of all people?

↳ zoebryne_x in Marci's comments section too lol

scuderiaferrari See you soon mama, the kids will miss you!

↳ byelandoo mama?? what do you mean ferrari admin?

lewishamilton Don't worry, we'll be back together in no time 😉 in the meantime enjoy your break, I have a feeling the peace is not gonna last that long

↳ redmilton sir, what do you know

gorgeous_aa23 girlll im so tireddd, just tell us what's going on

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liked by mickschumacher, charles_leclerc and others

brunolazzaro_03 visiting my soon to be niece in fucking switzerland (since my sister decided to go and move in with some random guy??)

tagged: marcilazzaro1, federrere

(this is a private account, you cannot reply to this post)

see all comments...

charles_leclerc Niece? It's a girl? 🥹

↳ marcilazzaro1 Bruno! It was supposed to be a surprise...

↳ brunolazzaro03 oops, sorry?

↳ oscarpiastri ha landonorris! i win

↳ marcilazzaro1 did you... bet on my baby?

↳ landonorris ...maybe?

↳ lewishamilton and you were wondering why you're not the godfather

federrere pregnant sister is very moody and insufferable, 2/10 would not recommend

↳ marcilazzaro1 guess who's not gonna be the favourite uncle

sarah_scott i live for your commentary, please keep it up

mickschumacher excuse me, random guy? it's 4 time worlds drivers champion Sebastian Vettel for you

↳ brunolazzaro03 yeah yeah, the bee guy has a name and all

lewishamilton did you at least make sure that the "random guy" was being social?

↳ brunolazzaro03 he showed us his chickens

clairobernie_x i'm gonna spoil this baby so hard

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madi's radio: hello, long time no see, marci's getting a baby! is Lewis playing cupid? idk idk we'll see

click here to be added to the carved my name taglist!

taglist: @sunny44 @rockyhayzkid @biancathecool @unluckyyoshi @woozarts @janeholt3 @celestialend @formulaal @d3kstar @yoremins @rd1410-blog @mess-is-my-aesthetic @callsignwidow @blaaahblubb @evans-dejong @lwstuff @emilyval1 @r0seandth0rns @fletchingarcher @blaaahblubb @notyaslol @dear-fifi @zimm04 @thewritingofspencerrose @elliegrey2803 @anthonykatebridgerton @firetruckstuckley @casperlikej @anephemeralwoe @vroomvroommuppett @taytaylala12 @kuskumu @clemswrld @bella-1 @leclercdream @evie-119 @tallrock35 @dannyleclerc @charkachow @flusteredmoonn @beslerek (xxx - couldn't tag you)

DISCLAIMER: i do not know anything about this people, this is not real life, this is just something for fun, i do not know anythings about their life or personalities!

[getmylifetogetherwme]

Goals for This Week (11/17 - 11/23)

Hi, everyone.

It's time for my weekly goal post!

Academics:

My main academic goal for this week begins with a problem: I have a professor for one of my English courses who, apparently, is a notoriously hard grader, something I did not know about. Knowing wouldn't have changed anything, though, because I probably would've convinced myself I could do it anyway, but my grade for this class is a low B. I'm actually shocked by my performance in this class. English is literally my bread and butter, but God, this class is hard. Perhaps not in the right spirit, but I've decided to kinda just abandon ship aka finish every assignment and just take the L. So my goal is to just finish up everything this week: a few lectures and two essays. This will give me time to focus on my physics lab exam coming up. I need to score well on this if I want to get an A in the course. I just submitted my essays for one of my bio classes and my other English course, both written today, because I am a procrastinator to my core, but I feel pretty good about them. I need to find sources for my bio assignment as well. That takes priority over the English course, I fear. So the order of importance goes: Finish sources for bio assignments, Physics quizzes, then English course.

Wish me luck, y'all, because that English course is killing me!

Fitness:

My goals for fitness are the same as every week:

Four days of weightlifting

1 day of cycling

7 days of 30 minutes of cardio

I've been thinking about adding an extra leg day in, so it would be 5 days of weightlifting, but honestly, I might just not have enough time for that. We'll see

Goals Towards My Future:

This week I get paid. I'm planning on taking out 80% of my check for savings. The other 20% will go towards some Christmas shopping (I'm participating in two Secret Santas and several gift exchanges) and my dreaded credit card. Reminder never to go willy-nilly with your credit cards, y'all, because omg. I only have one, and it has me in a chokehold. One of my goals for 2025 is to pay that thing off and throw it in a fire! It has me messed up!

That reminds me, it's almost time for New Year's Resolutions. I know a lot of people hate those, but I happen to really like them. I'll definitely be posting some of mine come December in preparation for January.

Hope all is well!

Thank you for reading

-C

[ikeepittomyself]

Hi, 👋🏽☺️🥀🍂

Just writing this to pin it and update it when I can 👍🏽

Okay — If you by some reason stumbled into my account, hi 👋🏽☺️.

My name is A :)

This blog was practically created to mirror all of my other blogs together, however, in a more I don't really care who stumbles across my blog. This will be my outlet to vent and curse at God, and myself. Does God have any faults in my life? Absolutely not, but I'm still angry at Him. There's so much hollowness, despair, and self immolation brimming inside me. I'm still keeping it in check. I know Jesus Christ loves me, He loves you as well. I love Him. However, something in me just wants to talk to Him with all this sadness that just recently appeared. My birthday is this September and I hate that I've suddenly felt this blanket of bleakness trying to cover me. Why does He allow this sadness to keep visiting me. I am tired of fighting it. Haven't you taken enough from me?

That being said — I WON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO SUCCUMB TO THIS. I owe it to myself, my friends, family, my future partner, kids, and life in general to be the best fucking version of myself so I can love them the way their intended to be loved. I will overcome these last two weeks of a slump I've been. I WILL BE OKAY. ☺️

Things to expect here: a bunch of everything, including nsfw text posts and reblogs. I'm a horny, desperate, lonely, maybe disgusting, and clueless guy. I'm not ashamed of that anymore.

I will most of the time be talking to myself in the tags and also stating a lot "you" as well as I will be daydreaming like a loser to my future partner on certain posts. If you're reading this, please understand I'm just talking to myself and my imaginary future partner.

It's crazy, I know, but I'm damn on the edge right now so whatever. I'm sure overtime I will grow out of it.

I don't know if I should share a little bit about myself here? Besides there's not much to say about myself.

If this blog gives you the ick, you don't like me following you and reblogging from you, or just don't like, or want my presence in your note, PLEASE feel free to block me or ask me to stop and unfollow you. I will with the utmost respect be okay with being blocked or asked to unfollow. Protect your space.

Lastly, if you have any questions or anything, please feel free to ask away. I'm an open book. Heck if you want tell me off, call me pathetic and a loser, that's okay as well. It won't affect me as much tho. No one has been more cruel to me than myself.

Okay, as I start posting original text posts, posts, and selfies, I will add them to the tag so it can always be easily accessible.

Thank you so much for your time. I really didn't think I'd finish this tonight haha. I guess the energy boost I got from passing my exams helped 😄

Okay ✌🏽

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hello and happy holidays! A mutual of mine recommended me this blog and so far I'm enjoying it!

Anyway, to the question/advice.

I've been struggling with writing for a long time now due to procrastination, stress and other factors. But when I write, the inspiration is there, but the motivation is lacking. So, I ended up writing with little motivation I have.

Like this:

Life at Auradon

Chapter one draft

Anxelin waited anxiously for the bell to go off, so that she can leave this godforsaken class called Grammar.

“Who on earth named this class Grammar?” the Goth girl thought.

Anxelin carefully took out her phone from her khaki pants pocket, and turned on the phone to check the time, under the desk of course.

The time reads: 10:55 A.M.

Anxelin groaned softly. “Just 5 minutes left to leave this class. Why can’t it be now?”

The school year just started and the Goth princess already hates it. She wished she had the power to disappear from this class and appear either in her dorm room or at the Enchanted Lake where she can be more at peace.

Anxellin took a look at her work that was laid on the desk in front of her; an essay of how this year’s summer went for everyone. In addition, the teacher said that the essay should be grammatically correct.

Bollocks.

To say Anxelin’s summer was bad would be an understatement. Over this past summer, Anxelin had to go back to summer school because she failed her physics exam in late May. Anxelin tried her best to explain herself to her parents that she studied and didn’t waste any time whatsoever. Also she never wanted to go summer school anyway but Rapunzel and Eugene insisted that she must go or else repeat her previous grade, to which Anxelin didn’t want but went anyways. She honestly had no idea how she failed and she studied hard for two weeks with her friends just to get a D on her exam result. Just perfect.

Anxelin quietly slid her phone back into her pants pocket before any nosy kid sees her with it because God forbid if someone saw Anxelin using her phone in class, they would report her and she would be sent to the Headmaster Godmother’s office. And Anxelin couldn’t bother to hear a long lecture about how you’re not supposed to use your phone during class, blah, blah, blah.

Geez, she only took out the phone because she wanted to check the time, as she forgot about her watch this morning due to rush. Give her a break.

In addition, I feel like my writing isn't good enough.

What do you think of my little writing and do you have any advice for a struggling writer like me?

Writing is hard.

But, the fact that you're inspired to write is a step in the right direction! And your writing isn't bad for a beginner. You slip from past-tense into present-tense a few times, but your prose is at a reasonable place for someone who is at the beginning of their writing journey.

It's very likely the procrastination and stress you're feeling in relation to writing is being caused by confidence issues, which are very demotivating. This is normal and it's normal to feel like your writing isn't good enough. Most writers experience these feelings, especially when they're starting out.

Unfortunately, the only way to improve your writing and your confidence is to push through those feelings and write. You become a good writer through practice, and you practice through writing.

Watch this video:

So, push past your fears and write. Create a large volume of work. You'll get better and better with each and every story you write and complete.

Best of luck to you, and please let me know if you have more questions! ♥

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[bsdndprplplld]

7 III 2023

it's the second week of the semester and I must say that it's easier than I predicted

statistical data analysis is boring but easy, algebra 2 is easy but probably interesting, so is differential geometry

algebraic topology was funny because ⅓ of the group completed the algebraic methods course, so at first we told the professor to skip half of the lecture (we all know the required part of category theory) and then with every new piece of information he would say "ok maybe this will be the first thing today that you don't know", to which we would reply "naaah we've seen this" lmao. but the course overall will be fun and maybe it's even better that the level of difficulty won't be as high as I though, that would leave more time for my other stuff

the tutorial part of number theory was scary, because the professor wanted us to work in pairs. my autistic ass hates working in groups and the noise in the room was unbearable (everyone was talking about the exercises we were given to solve), so I was on the verge of a meltdown after 30 minutes of this despite ANC headphones. next time I will work by myself from the start. maybe without the requirement of communication it won't be as bad. the course itself will be easy, when it comes to the material. I know nothing about number theory, so the novelty will make it more enjoyable. a few people said that they would prefer the tutorial in the standard form, maybe I won't have to worry about surviving it if there are enough people who want to change it

my birthday is tomorrow and as a gift my parents gave me enough money to buy an ipad, I was saving for it since november. for a few days now I've been testing different apps for note taking, pdf readers and other tools useful for studying. I must say, this is a game changer, I absolutely love it

taking notes itself is less comfortable than on an e-ink tablet, which gives very paperlike experience, but it's better than traditional ones. the upside is that I can use different colors and the whole process is less rigid than on an e-ink

two apps that seem the best for now are MarginNote 3 and GoodNotes

the first one is good for studying something from multiple sources. the app allows to open many pdfs, take pieces from them and then arrange them in a mindmap. it's possible to add handwritten notes, typed notes, photos and probably more that I don't know yet. all of this seems to be particularly useful when studying for exams or in other situations when it's necessary to review a huge chunk of material

the second app is for regular handwritten notes. it doesn't have any special advantages other than I just like the interface lol what I like about taking notes on ipad is that I can take photos and insert them directly into the notebook, which I can't do on the e-ink. it's great for lectures and classes because I don't usually write everything down (otherwise I can't listen, too busy with writing) and even if I do, I don't trust myself with it so I take photos anyway. being able to merge the photos with notes reduces chaos

oh god this is going to be a long post! other news from life is that yesterday I had a meeting with my thesis advisor and we finally picked a topic. some time ago he sent me a paper to try and said, very mysteriously, to let him know if it's not too hard before he reveals more details about his idea. the paper is about symmetric bilinear forms on finite abelian groups, pure algebra, and I was supposed to write about algebraic topology, so I tried to search where this topics comes up, but didn't find anything. it turns out that it's used to define some knot invariant, which I would use to write about the classification of singularities of algebraic curves. in the meantime my advisor had another idea, which is an open problem in knot theory. we decided to try the second one, because there is less theory to learn before I could start writing the paper

to summarize what I'm about to do: there is a knot invariant called Jones polynomial, which then inspires a construction of a certain R-module on tangles and the question asks whether that module is free, if so, what is its rank. now I'm reading the book he gave me to learn the basics and I can't wait till I start working on the problem

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 11/4/24

Wow! What a day! I have so much to say about today, but I'll try to keep it brief. So first of all, I hate the time change more than almost anything else in existence. That stuff messes me up so bad!! I woke up at 5am dude, what on earth is there even to do at 5am? I ended up cleaning my room for a lil bit before the sun rose and got dressed for school extra early, so that was nice at least. I somehow managed to rush out of the house early and forget to grab my breakfast, so my banana oatmeal will have to wait another day ToT

On my walk to school I listened to the rest of the first Ghost album and oh my god! I am becoming such a big fan of them so quick, their music is so striking both instrumentally & lyrically. I need to actually read their lore and become a real fan but so far I am LOVING this band. Tobias Forge's accent is also so nice!! That lil bit of Swedish that comes out as he sings adds such a twist to his style. But after my walk to school, I settled into Spanish class for my oral exam - which I think I did pretty dang good on! We had three random prompts that we could've been given, and I unfortunately got the one prompt I didn't have time to practice before the exam, but I aced it anyways! I didn't stutter once, I conjugated all of the verbs in the correct tenses, and my professor let me use the e ending because I'm nonbinary instead of the a (feminine) or o (masculine) ending which made the language work a lot better for me! After Spanish class I had Creative Writing class, which I unfortunately am behind on. I didn't read the chapters in the novel we're supposed to be reading for the rest of the semester. We actually had a different professor today and will have a different one for the next three weeks! Our main professor had his baby last week. He seems like such a good father, apparently he's taking full time care of the baby while his wife rests ToT how adorable??? If I ever have a kid I wanna be like that, taking care of my partner while they recover. Anyways our new professor introduced herself in such a funny way. I could hear the distinct clop of her faux alligator skin platform shoes echoing down the hallway from a half mile away, and she burst into the classroom late with a flourish then SLAMMED the door behind herself. She's so quirky and chic. She was wearing this seashell patterned dress shirt, fancy ass corduroy pants that I really am jealous of, and even more jewelry than I wear each day! She led us through a really fun discussion in class.

After that, my Anthropology professor called off so I had an almost four hour period of downtime during which I told myself that I was gonna do a bunch of reading, but instead I ended up just posting to tumblr and texting my [REDACTED]. We talked so much this morning and it was so fun ToT I know I shouldn't be ridiculous and hope too much about things so soon, but at the very least we're communicating a lot better than we have in months regardless of what we are. I do keep finding myself sending them hearts, or messing up and saying a pet name. I called them babe earlier out of reflex and deleted the message super fast, I don't know if they even saw it? I think that if we do become a couple again I'm gonna find myself laughing over how awkward I've been while trying to keep my natural inclination towards affection repressed. Either way, our conversations were super fun today, but I started getting both too feelys and wanting to say things I shouldn't like the big four letter word, and also I started getting a bruuuttaalll headache. I had to buy myself a water and some acetaminophen and put my phone down for a while.

Archaeology class was after that, and it was such an interesting lecture! We had a guest lecturer today and she discussed the actual process of applying for, obtaining, and working field jobs specifically within Cultural Resource Management. So, CRM is this pseudo-governmental job in archaeology that typically requires you work with both state governments and construction agencies. Basically, anytime there's a state or federally funded construction project it's legally required that the construction company and state pay for archaeologists to examine the site to make sure that no artifacts/cultural materials are being damaged. It's the bulk of all field work conducted by archaeologists today and probably what I'm gonna end up doing as my career!

Gosh this is turning out to be a lot. After that I went to the gym and worked my ASS off. I wrote down what I did so here it is :3

15 minutes (two miles) on the elliptical as a warmup

3 sets of 10 shoulder press reps at 85 lbs

1 set of 10 shoulder press reps at 110 lbs

3 sets of 10 leg raise machine reps at 140 lbs

1 set of 15 leg raise machine reps at 200 lbs (I MAXED OUT THE MACHINE MY LEGS ARE SO STRONG OUGH)

3 sets of 10 incline bench machine reps at 85 lbs

1 set of 10 incline bench machine reps at 110 lbs (this one I barely managed omg)

15 minutes (two more miles) on the elliptical to finish off strong!

I was sweating so much by the end omg. I ate a protein bar and had probably 1.5 liters of water while at the gym aklsdjfhaksdjf but I'm loving the effect that working out has on my mentality for the rest of the night after I get home. Also, the people are starting to recognize me there and someone even cheered me on today!

This is a lot. Besides that, I called my sister and got some super solid relationship/self care advice, got stuff to make the bnuuy their christmas presents in the mail, and played a bunch of bass! I also recorded myself singing along to two songs I really heavily fw and sent it to the Bnuuy as well, and got myself some food at my favorite local restaurant for the first time in a while!

It was a very good day <3 thank you for listening tumblr, I love you! Have a good night everyone

[funkylittledemon]

autism and emotions is so.... well it fucking sucks is what it is. i need my mind to slow down for a second to get all these thoughts down bc i will explode if i dont get them out there (hence why this post - only bee is gonna see this & knows me enough to be worried for more than an hour or so and if i put this where nobody can see it aint actually out there) (wassup bee dw i am okay)

anyway

i say that life is just getting to me rn and it is but thats too vague a statement. current affairs (an impartial term but a useful one here) are getting to me - I'm trying to navigate adulthood while it feels like the life i was promised is being taken away by whatever event you want to pick; global warming, late-stage capitalism, multiple genocides, the list goes on. and I'm one of the lucky ones!! how fucked up is that! so there's that constant stress hanging above my head.

then there's more abstract life: navigating uni and living alone and looking after myself while forming relationships and starting to try carve a path for myself. this one isn't as bad but still can't be ignored and the fact that interpersonal relationships have become so scrutinised through social media doesn't help. no matter the insecurity you have or your own specific factors there will be someone online telling you your worst fears are right - i cant say how many times ive scrolled past a reel saying that i havent had a message back because "he" doesn't care. does the person saying this even know I've seen it, let alone who i am or who "he" is? No!! but the sentiment sticks with you despite only seeing it for 3 seconds before scrolling on, despite logically knowing it can't apply to me because its a catch-all statement to everyone who feels insecure pushed onto us by an algorithm that thinks we want to hear that. social media is feeding into our fears and insecurities and we can't stop it. as an autistic person whos insecure as fuck and who knows they dont understand a lot of societal cues being told by some random person that im right to be insecure really doesn't help - i get the idea of something stuck in my head and bc i know its bs i try get it out which cements it further into my mind and lends it credence.

then there's uni itself - i am now faced with the realisation that everything leading me up to uni and my course has been about me helping other people, often to my own detriment. i chose a counselling course because i was always the therapist friend, the one who everyone else went to for help. and wouldn't you know it I've been burnt out for years and literally don't have it in me to help strangers, or give a shit about their lives. i cared so much and made my entire life about helping other people that i had no idea what i wanted to do. im switching to just psychology now, because it is interesting and i do enjoy it but im kind of lost now i dont have that purpose. it also scares me just how much of my life hadn't been about me at all and im still not sure who i am if im not helping someone. obviously thats the dramatic version but you get the gist. uni's been a wakeup call i wasn't prepared for and theres the work and exams on top of that

christ this is long. okay. what else was there. emotions. god i hate emotions. this is the hard bit. all my emotions are so so big and i am so so small and it feels like they would devour me whole if they could. anxiety is a big one. recently pretty much all ive been feeling is anxiety - a deep anxiety that makes me nauseous pretty much 24/7. last week on friday i had what i call a breakdown. i still dont understand it (which is scary enough - every other breakdown i can disect and point to the cause). i just sarted screaming in the middle of the street and couldn't stop and its making me anxious just typing this up. then there was a day of panic attack after panic attack (lost count after the 4th i think) and then a few days later and some bad decisions (booze. ik i shouldn't have drank but i thought i was ok to drink) i had another breakdown. i dont remember much of this one but it ended in me being locked out and sobbing - security had to let me in and it must've been bad bc the guy gave me a card with hotlines on it. (again, i am okay). i lost my leather jacket that night which both sucks bc i loved that jacket and also the fact that it's gone is a constant reminder of something im ashamed of. after that it was just this constant nauseating anxiety, occasionally spiralling into something more but not significant enough to include. the thing about me and emotions is that my strategy for dealing with them is to ignore and repress them until they're not my problem anymore. which is bad. but idk how to cope with them healthily and when i feel okay i never know if its because i repressed them again or because i genuinely feel okay. being around other people helps but thats probably not a great thing - i hide my emotions from other people to avoid being a burden. not that its always a bad thing that my friends make me feel better its just not a sustainable approach to constantly avoid being alone. i have this constant struggle of feeling emotions so intensely then feeling shame because of how intensely i felt those emotions or how they made me act.

going on from emotions fucking me over and moving on from Life being an issue anxiety is a fucking bitch. all my life I've felt like an outsider and so constantly nervous about everything. it was hell and then in 6th form i made friends who were so so confident and i finally started to relax a little bit more and not feel bad about taking up space. uni was even better! i had flatmates i loved and i was going out doing things I'd never dreamed of and i was making friends!! i barely recognised myself and i loved it!! then the breakdown happened and i was plunged headfirst back into the old cycle of anxiety and going back to that after feeling what life could be like? that was worse than the breakdown. it feels like ive never felt worse and the knowledge that theres no reason for it, that nothing had actually changed other than me and i could still be out there with confidence but i wasn't was such a crushing feeling it felt like i was never gonna feel okay again. dramatic i know but the truth.

im home for easter break now and typing this out has helped and going back to my old stomping grounds has shown me i have still changed and i do still have the confidence even if i couldn't access it for a hot min. I'm still anxious but thats okay. my emotions don't have an all poweful spell over me and anxiety can suck my dick. there's still the fear that I'll go back to uni and it'll all come rushing back however im just gonna see how this break goes. im gonna be alone whether i like it or not while im down here and if i can manage to be okay with that then I'll be fine. and i do have a support system both here and up at university.

[pettyprocrastination]

Hi! I'm one of your kofi anons! I got such a kick out of seeing your post to whoever was the original one that I thought it would be fun to send you the second one! It was just a random act of kindness....but if you want to pay it forward to the fandom...I would take any kind of thots about our boys + lingerie. Would they like to see it, buy it for you, try it on for you, save it? Ezra, Frankie, Javi P., & Max P. are my faves. 😁

MY BELOVED DARLING ANON HELLO HELLO HELLO

I am SO sorry this response took for-fucking-ever to write!! but please now youre message and kind donation has been in my heart (and my class payments lmao) for a while now. I've been slowly chipping away at this ask for the past few weeks, working on it between final exams/papers, I do hope you enjoy it!! This was less focused on the boys wearing lacy things and more on the reader, I hope that's alright!!

warnings: sexual themes, talk of lingerie, talk of smut. 

characters: Max Philips, Javier Pena, Ezra, Francisco Morales

tagging folks who may be interested: @thesadvampire @captainsamwlsn @mostly-megan @fleetwoodmactshirt @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa @ficsilike-reblogged @cinewhore @humanransome-note @pedrostories @max--phillips

Link to kofi if anybody wishes to make a little donation (obviously not mandatory or needed): Here

Ezra

Now I think ezra is a man that just savors the body in general. As are all of the pedro boys but I think him especially given he seems to be one that is always working. When you spend your days sweating away in a suit and finally get to peel it off, you won’t be wearing some lacy underthings beneath it that offer you no comfort nor support. So it isn’t something sees with his usual trysts unless he charmed his way into the arms of a dolled up-debutante playing commoner in the bathroom of a seedy bar before they go back to their rich life. So when you, his lover, his friend, his partner in life and crime and dig after dig, present yourself to him in bold colors of intricate lace. My god does he relish in it. He runs his hands over the fabric, tugging and mapping out the feeling of the soft lace against your calloused and well worked skin. He never rips it though, one would expect him to, he’s a man of passion who can be impulsive to act, but he knows the money you spent on this, the hard working hours used to buy something so simple and pretty that you wear so well that if Ezra saw it on anybody else he’d consider it a cardinal sin. 

He doesn’t rip them, but he may steal them. Not in a dubious way. But after fucking you into a state of bliss that slowlt faded away as you both began to dress in silence, he’ll snatch up the lace panties he had tugged off with his teeth just hours ago and slip them into his pocket with that crooked grin you hate to love and offer you a look of sardonic sympathy when you scoff at him. 

“It’s something to remember you by, gem. You can’t enchant a man and then expect him not to want a memento to hold onto in your time apart.”

He had countless other mementos. The notes you had scribbled in the margins of his books you read while on jobs together. The scars of the wounds you stitched up in the cramped tent after warding off a pack of thieves. But the garment reminds him of your shy smile as you spread out beneath him and the way you would smile against his lips. 

Javi P.

As somebody who frequented brothels, Javier is a man who is used to tugging lace off his lovers without snagging a single thread. He enjoys the sight of his partners in lingerie just as much as the rest. He’s the “office dog” as it were, he knew what secretary wore blue and which wore pink. Not in a derogatory way, and it wasn’t something he would spread to other DEA agents. But he got around the office and didn’t feel shame in it. Javier learned a lot about you before learning what color of lace you wore against your body. What type of coffee you liked, how the bodega across the street was your go-to for breakfast when you were in a rush to get to the embassy. The way you snorted if he got you to laugh when you were just a little tipsy and the way you always adjusted the rug in your living room whenever you came home. It was after learning all these things and more, that he finally saw you, that you let him, see you adorned in lace and soft colors that made him forget every other woman in the world. Max P.

Oh max, my sweet sweet bastard man. With the money he gets from being sales manager AND the sheer fucking confidence this mother fucker has? He will stride right into a lingerie store with you and not feel a single ounce of shame. Fuck, you could tell him your favorite color and he’d stop by the goddamn place after work to pick it up for you as an anniversary present while keeping a happy-go-lucky grin on his face as he hands the cashier his card while they bag the downright shameful outfits he bought you. 

If you work with him? Please wear them to work. You don’t have to tell him you have them on, or even send him a picture. Just a well-timed stretch in his field of vision that’s enough for him to see the lace peeking out from under your waistband is enough to get him to quickly wrap up his conference call and poke his head around your desk with a sharp smile and “mind popping into my office for a moment? I’d like to have a chat :):):)” 

Frankie

Our darling Francisco Morales is a stark contrast to Max. Now don’t get me wrong, this man loves lingerie and loves seeing you in it. But he still does get a little fidgety when he walks into the store with you. He offers polite but tense smiles to the employees but does his best to draw as little attention to himself as humanly possible. Follows closely behind you as you browse. When it comes to you offering his style advice you’d expect him to be the “you’d great in anything babe.” type of guy. Which i mean, he kind of is, the man worships you. But he knows what styles and colors you like best and that “this color really looks nice against your skin” or “won’t this underwire bother you?” because our man PAYS ATTENTION!!

He does his best not to rip or tear things in the moment but he’s so passionate that sometimes he just can’t help it. There has been many a time of your husband mumbling a rushed “ill replace it” against your lips after you hear the loud rip of your negligee and gasp because “that wasn’t cheap, Francisco.” Of course you’ll never complain of your husband showing passion for you, worshiping you, because that he does really. It doesn’t matter whether you're wearing black garters or a pair of plain cotton panties that came in a 4-pack from Walmart and his old college sweatshirt, he sees you as utterly divine no matter what. 

[readingwriter92]

ah its that time of week again folks, where im frustrated to all hell about a quiz cause I was a lazy ass who didnt do her hw all week 

[softhourswithru]

Délavé -OSH fanfic

1•2•3•?

Sehun x Reader -College bad boy and motorcycle sehun-

Moodboard made by @wolveswithblackpearls (it’s absolutely amazing thank you💕)

“You never listened to me, you never will."

11:50

Délavé....délavé....the word was swarming up your mind, as you continued reading the book.You were at the library waiting for your 'boyfriend' to come and join you so you guys can go out, the library was always your place to meet up. While waiting you had picked up a book to read.You and your boyfriend had started to date ever since you got into college, back then Sehun was....normal even though you hated saying that because it made sehun seem abnormal where as he isn’t. He was always with you and both of your group of friends that you both met at the start of college, until one day he just stopped, he went out with those you don't even feel uncomfortable around, sehun would usually do things that would make you feel uncomfortable just for the ‘fun’ of it, you felt like a toy, he never listened to you, he never will, now you don't even know him. Your a nobody to him , yet you got this opportunity to finally get him out of his friends and join you for a date.

You still had hope.

...hope.

01:35 pm

Crushed. That's how you felt. You had been stood up by your own boyfriend, the library closes at 4 and it was 1:35 so you decided to go home and trying to forget what has happened, you started walking out in the rain to your apartment as you didn’t bring much money because sehun was supposed to be your transport home. You didn't care if your mascara was running, you didn't care if you were soaking wet. Hope is useless and stupid. Love is useless and stupid. Sehun is useless and stupid.

You carried on walking until you met a familiar door of your apartment, you got in dropping everything on the floor and straight going into the shower. The water comforted you and embraced you with warmth unlike the rain crushing down onto you leaving wounds.You got out and dressed up in a hoodie and tights and got yourself in bed. You didn't bother doing anything else, but just to drown yourself in your sorrow but that didn't happened, as you felt vibrations from you phone notifying you of a text message.

_sehun_:sorry I missed our date, I got held back cuz of friends. Ly tho x

Friends.....really?Friends. You gulped down and that same track of thoughts came back again, sehun isn't sehun, and you were just a mere toy to him. Was I not good enough? Was I a bad girlfriend?Did i say anything? You shaken those thoughts away you had enough and when its enough for you, then its fucking enough you had deleted every memory of Sehun away from your phone keeping your broken feelings trapped some where isolated. You were done with his bullshit .

17/11/18

It's been a whole week, you went college and came home did your work and just slept. You ignored every notification or call from everybody, you weren't bothered. It was Saturday and all you wanted to do was to go on Netflix and eat, you didn't really think anyone would come. So you carried on with your day until you heard the door open. No one had your keys, or so you thought you went to go and see who came and came to see a familiar face that you hated with all your guts.

Sehun...

"What are you doing here?" Looking up to him, he looked confused back.

He chuckled "what do you mean 'what are you doing here' am I not your boyfriend?"

You looked up at him with your eyebrows raised. "Am done with your bullshit sehun, just get the fuck out" you didn't have the energy to go all out him.

"Baby come on, stop talking shit..look there's this party today wear something-" you cut him off "sexy? You wish, and am not talking shit so I suggest that you get the fuck out of here because I am done with you".

Sehun frowned "oh really?" "Yes really" you mocked back.

"I've done everything for you yet yo-" "excuse me what? What everything, what bullshit everything because this whole relationship was just me. Fucking me sehun because I was the one trying while your ass went off doing bullshit. You left me you left all of us. You never listened to me, you never will now please for God sake get out " you pointed at the door. Sehun was mad and you could see it, he threw your spare house keys somewhere in your room and marched off and slammed the door, your heart was beating loudly and fast, at least you got rid of him but not fully.

24/11/18

“Y/N OH SO HELP ME I WILL DRAG YOU TO THIS PARTY IN YOUR PJS IF YOU DON’T” your best friend called out, you chuckled you planned this day to be just you and y/bf/n going out to eat, but she had other plans she wanted to go to the party that jimin had invited her to. Y/bf/n fully knew that you had left sehun like a few days ago but she couldn’t give a shit, apparently you had to get some new ‘adventure’ which made you laugh.

You don’t mind going to parties but not ALL the time “fine but don’t leave me there all alone and sneaking off to suck jimins face off” you joked, y/bf/n gave you a short fake laugh “yh yh I won't leave ya virgin ass” you laughed back knowing well that she is going to leave you all alone in a crowd of random people.

Both of you started to get dressed, while y/bf/n chose a skin-tight dress you, on the other hand, chose ripped skinny jeans with a black shirt under-tucked finishing it with a black leather jacket. Your hair was curled with little makeup consisting eye liner, mascara and gloss.Y/bf/n was driving, when the both of you arrived you both got out and checked the place out, you weren’t surprised when you saw some big ass mansion, jimin had rich parents so he was technically a spoiled kid but never acted like one. Most of the time.

When getting in, you both went to a bar you didn’t want to get drunk as how you will be driving back to your apartment dragging y/bf/n behind you, so really most the time here you will be doing is just chilling out and probably eavesdropping hearing the new gossip, most of it was about the hook ups in college and what not exams and stuff when the two girls beside you began on to the next topic someone had came towards you. Jongin.

“whats up shorty, hows life without sehun?” Jongin was smirking at you, you’d replied dully “better but still the same” you didn’t bother looking at jongin knowing that it will piss you off even more.

“You lost most of your reputation breaking up with our No.1 biker” you scoffed “as if I ever cared about reputation when I was around you shitheads” Jongin made you face him his eyebrows furrowed “shitheads?”

You pushed your face away and rolled your eyes “and what the fuck do you mean bike? sehun never owned a motorcycle” jongin barked a laugh “God he didn’t tell you, I shouldn’t be fucking surprised and I supposed you know he has been fucking around with seoyeon” jongin came face to face with you.

 “What’s your fucking problem jongin?” you were more than irritated “I'm trying to see if you still love biker boy” “you should know the damn answer, you really think i broke up with him for jokes.” you suddenly felt uncomfortable and out of place where you currently were, jongins voice went deep “really, well look over there” you sighed out of irritation and looked over where jongin was looking.

There was seoyeon kissing sehun holding onto him as if her life depended on it. You gasped, paralyzed at that moment, you were nudged a few times finally, you looked at what jongin gave you, a glass full of alcohol “do it y/n”  you looked at jongin, seeing that he himself wanted something as well. Revenge.

You toke the glass from his hands and stalked towards the couple, sehun pushed seoyeon off of him when he noticed your presence he smirked at you, you smiled back then immediately splashing the cold drink in sehuns face and throwing the glass onto the floor, making it smash into thousands of fragmented little pieces. Everyone stared at you, but you couldn’t care less and walked out of the party towards y/bf/n car.

Before you got in the car someone had called your name.

23:04

________________________________________________________________

i decided to post this early, because i felt bad not posting, this is the first part of this new fanfic!

 i hope you like this new fanfic please like and support!

i think everyone knows who called y/n and y/bf/n means your best friends name- sorry for those who didnt know :p

love-A💕

[woozi]

henlo yza <3 how have you been doing?

honestly i don't have much idea but he's into film making/producing?, that's why his mv analysis seem cool to me, he's also a carat that is what hooked me up w his reaction videos jdjddk

junhao in today's concert 😭😭😭😭 i was calm since it started but then they appeared and my excitement skyrocketed djdjdjkd both looked so good 🥺🥺🥺, starting to miss them a lot ngl i hope they come back soon </3 what was your reaction? also how was the concert djdjkdk my links broke bc of junhao </3 servers couldn't handle them. i have 0 idea what happened after that djjdjddk which were your favorite performances? rant away hehe <3

ALSO isn't siren siren waeo waeo also vernon's part? and now what's 2 minus 1, i just love how these lil adlibs of his end up becoming iconic <3

HDDJKSKEDJDDJJS ofc unleashing inner hater is part of becoming besties afterall. ( she's bringing back svt club again oh my god ) i don't remember who said it but it was the ep in which members were talking about what/who annoys them etc and someone(think it was dino or woozi) mentioned about 'respecting things you hate' i've been using that quote so much ever since 😭😭😭 but only as quote djjdkdkd sometimes just hating is ok hehe <3

cannot believe ( she's lying ) woozi and hoshi again ended up last hdjddkdk woozi getting surprised is so funny to me 😭😭😭😭 ALSO not them clowning him for wanting to included in activities but at the same time not. idk how much of that is true but it sounds exactly like him lmaoooo which is exactly how i am 💀 3 yrs still stanning and it still amazes me how much alike we are oh goddd

thank you so much for sending in disc link <3 i managed to watch vu's performance hddjjeke only because of you <3. what would i without you <//3 i also hit post limit today for the first time in my life???? djjdkskssk today wasn't it for me ig but i had good food so we're still sexy <3

" have one more scheduled few mins from now" NAURRRR WERE YOU WRITING THIS JUST FEW MINUTES BEFORE EXAM??? 😭😭😭djjdjddk hope all your exams went great, also hope you had fun today, have a sexie week yza i love you so much 💌💓, mwah <3

CHERIEEEEEEEEEEEE I AM IN THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE FDGKJFDJKKDFJDF

thank u for always checking up on me </3 you are lich rally the sweetest 🥺

wait what is his name 👁👄👁 i havent found him yet HFDJHFDJHFDJ

THE WAY U WERE CALM?????????????????????????????????? i saw the guitar solo and lost it fucking IMMEDIATELY FJKFDKJFD U ARE AN ICON OF SELF-CONTROL <3 also me tooooooooooooooo </3 ot13 really brings a diff energy but i'm glad they got to go home and also got to do their own activities 🥺 ALSO NOOOOOO OH MY GOD </3 i wasn't able to find streams on twt too a lot of them got sniped and the others were too exclusive lol fdjkfdjkfdjkd do u still want to watch the whole thing? i have a multiview link for the power ver <3 i'm still getting around to watching the jp one though fdjffjfjdfd BUT MY FAVORITE FROM POWER WAS DEF FAST PACE <3 they brought out whorevenTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not amused at the backlash they got though. idk why svt gets this kinda response whenever they do something slightly sexy, lol. LET THEM BE THE ADULTS THAT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! v amazed at how they handled it though <3 king shit

ALSO YEAH UR RIGHT <3 think vernon really was born to be an artist <3 teehee

OK BUT THIS IS SO VALID OF U DFJKDFJKFJKFD svt club lich rally changed the trajectory of ur life im SOOO OBSESSED W THAT <3

thats what jihoon gets for being a hater tbh FJDJFDFJKDFD he wants to get out of there SOOO bad 😭 OH MY GOD HELP???????????????????? BC SAME 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i think this is just infj things KJDFJKDFJKDFJK

NOOOOOOOOOO OF COURSE ANYTHING FOR U <3 i'm glad u got to watch!! also not u hitting post limit 😭 WHAT PROMPTED THIS FKJFFDFD also i know it's been days but i hear good food and my interest is piqued JFDKJDFKJD WHAT DID U EAT <3 AND WHAT IS UR FAVE FOOD <3 <3

yeah i was trying to get rid of the nerves then FDJJKFDKFJDKFJD ALSO THEY WENT REALLY WELL OMG <3 <3 this week has been hell for me though i wanna hibernate fr fr </3

ANYWAY HOW HAVE U BEEN <3 WHAT HAS BEEN UP <3 <3 I MISSED TALKING TO U SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO RESPOND </3 felt like utter shit JKDFJFKDKJFD LOV U THANK U FOR STANDING BY ME NONETHELESS <3 <3 <3 I HOPE U GET ALL THE GOOD THINGS!!!!!!!!!!! MWAH

[dk-s]

hi! i hope you're doing well! i'm so sorry for taking forever to send this but this week has been ✨ stressful ✨ i'm supposed to get my first decision from a uni on tuesday which is like too soon yet too far all at the same time. and all of my teachers gave so much projects/exams this week and next week and realistically it's bc they have to fill up the gradebook before the mid-quarter progress reports are released + finish up stuff before winter break but I FEEL LIKE THE UNIVERSE HATES ME! anyway i've been sleeping terribly & getting stress-induced nightmares like every night :( the one good thing is that since i've been so stressed abt my schoolwork, i haven't been thinking abt the decision as much as i would probably be if i had less work? idk this turned into a RANT i'm sorry 🥺

oh!! i do really really love 24h and my my ! ((maybe i religiously rewatch the 24h mv just so i can replay the mingyu scene over and over again)) but i think my favorite svt song is probably pinwheel or thanks? i have been really enjoying all my love and bring it lately as well!! and my favorite song ever changes like all the time but the two songs that are consistently my top songs are pinwheel and bts' epilogue: young forever!

"my usual habit of basing my entire personality on whatever media piece im currently consuming" - YES????? i have never related so hard to anything ever. and if i could i would totally make a flower crown rn but 😔 the flowers are all dead here 😔 but we got our first snow yesterday so that was exciting!

also i saw that post you rb'ed about living in a log cabin in the mountains w a fireplace and quilts and I JUST WANT

omg i love it when people have tiny platters for all of their toppings, jams, etc. like!!! that is the cutest thing ever please take my hand in marriage.

AHH yes i forgot to convert to celsius but it is very cold and i am not okay!!! at least i have an excuse to wear all of super fuzzy clothing and sweaters though!!

stay safe!! & enjoy your summer!! i hope you smile & sleep well today!! i love you!! 💖

~age twin anon

hii!! aa i’m replying so late and i was like wait a sec i got to reply to smth in my inbox!!! im so sorry :((((((

wait!! ur first uni decision?! good luck im rooting for u and i just know ur gonna do amazing my mind is calculating whether tuesday has already passed but like god i get u w the projects and exams honestly its insane esp close to when reports are due because they just PILE work on to u like ma’am i have a life right now outside of being stuck at my desk writing extended answers on the contraction of muscles?! dont stress to much bb and remember to take time for urself!!! i hope it all goes well for u and thats fine u can rant whenever u want im 👂 also isn’t that such a beautiful emoji

i watch the 24h music video n just lose my mind over mingyu esp that scene in the first verse w the black jacket tiddies out curly hair i !!! jungkook mingyu fashion magazine WHEN and oh!! i havent heard either of those songs (bc i suck at listening to new music) but i’ll check them out!! and aa young forever gets me in tears every time i will never stop talking about it <3

and the media thing is SO true like its smth that i really need to change but also it def changes things up for me!! and omg u get snow?! i wishhh but like australia has snow in like one part and its in this particular place in the alps on the other side of the country and it snows there for a week at most :( but one day im gonna see the snow more!! and yess i would love to live in a warm cabin w a crackling fireplace n a grand bookshelf as well as warm, stuffed quilts that i can bundle myself into!!

i have tiny platters for jam n toppings and cream 👉👈 so uhhhh 💍 here u go!!

cold weather is still better than summer weather >>> i said what i said!! n stay safe as well!!! i love u!!!!

[chimaeracabra]

So, guess I have goddamn Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Again. Idk how the fuck it happened. I have had this before, apparently, back around 2012. And I wasn't even sexually active then, so I also have no clue how the FUCK I got it.

Anyhow, I just got back from comfort-shopping (with some money I got from mine and my sister's graduation party this past weekend, which Nick was also able to attend because it was his weekend off!) after getting a Ceftriaxone injection in my butt. It wasn't bad, that nurse was pretty good with a needle. But the pelvic exam and swab Dr. F did HURT me. She was doing this palpation thing near my ovaries and from inside, and that shit HURT! Oh my god, noooo!

Dr. F, who has been pretty great each time I've seen her this year, said I don't look like I have a yeast infection, which I thought might be the case when I got this strange irritation 8 days ago and went to urgent care for it because she was on vacation. She said there was hardly any blood (weird because I am on what I think is a period), and that I do look a little red/inflamed. Sigh. So, based on more symptoms of my menstrual pattern, it is probably because of the stupid polyp, and she really thinks I should have surgery so she can remove the goddamned thing, and also see what else might be going on inside me. So, I'm gonna get a call back about scheduling a D&C.

I'm just frustrated, because I don't know how this happened. Nick was tested, I was tested (tested again for gonorrhea/chlamydia/standard STDs last week when I thought I maybe had a yeast infection), and we are both clean. It must be something bacterial...I don't get it, 'cause when we were having unprotected sex for like, two months, while I had an IUD, nothing like this ever happened. Maybe this is an aftermath issue, because having things put in/taken out of the body just increases the risk of infection.

Needless to say, I've been eating vegan yogurts with live active cultures. Started eating more of that a few weeks ago because I think I need to replenish my good bacteria since I no longer eat animal dairy, and I was also hoping it might help me with this odd chronic constipation (which I feel I shouldn't have because I eat like a goddamn rabbit). I am supposed to start a two-week doxycycline regimen. Prescription is filled, and I am picking it up tomorrow, but worried about it because it can cause nausea. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but none for nausea. I am absolutely miserable when I get nauseous and I hate that. Not entirely sure I'll be able to take the entire cycle of antibiotics.

Was supposed to have blood drawn after getting the Ceftriaxone, but the staff in the ob/gyn office for that were on break, and I wasn't going to wait half an hour in line at the main lab and increase my parking fee, so I left. I may try and go back tomorrow morning to get it done so Dr. F can rule out anything else she wanted to look for.

A few nights ago on Sunday, I was having sleep paralysis issues. When I was finally able to move, I tapped Nick on the shoulder and told him what was happening. The first thing he did was wrap both his arms around me securely. I remember telling him not to hurt his arm. But he held me in both for a while, regardless. It didn't happen again after that (and I posted about this in r/love on Reddit, got a bunch of awards and comments, and someone told me that the way their neck is positioned (uncomfortably) can trigger sleep paralysis. My neck was fucked up on one of Nick's pillows, and I felt like I couldn't breathe while it was happening, so I think that must be the culprit and I am not really using pillows for a bit...or at least carefully when I do. I don't have any pillows in my bed, but Nick has a lot of them, and one of them is really comfy to me otherwise. I think it was the cause of the sleep paralysis this time, however).

I love Nick so much. He consistently shows me that he loves me.

I just applied for a part-time job. I'm not sure how to describe it...I think it is actually some kind of food service, but it's not like I will be flipping burgers at a fast-food restaurant. I am kind of excited. I can't wait to make money this summer.

I am going to work on applying for a couple more jobs this weekend. I want to get something pretty soon, and get drug tested if that is necessary, because with all the pain I am in these days, I really need some marijuana. Fingers crossed that I get a job I like that will pay me at least $20-25/hour!

My mom and I helped move my twin in at her new apartment in Dover, NH, where she will be starting her residency around the 28th. I am officially extremely jealous. it is such a nice apartment! I cannot wait to get my own place. I bought this beautiful botany-centric plates at Marshall's and T.J. Maxx a bit ago. Can't wait to wash them at home after I leave Nick's tomorrow and take photos of them. I think I spent about $65 on these plates, and I also got about five pairs of new pants, and two on Sunday. I can't wait to try them on. Not taking tags off in case I have to return something, because dressing rooms still aren't open yet due to COVID.

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 11/3/24

Hey Tumblr! There's some stuff I wanna talk about today, so I'm going to do a lil journal entry. I was doing journaling at home with pen and paper, but frankly my handwriting is so bad and I use my hands like that so infrequently that I was cramping before I got even close to writing all of my thoughts out each day. So I decided I'm going to put my thoughts that I can share out like this, it can be somewhat of a log of my own self growth! And also keep me a lil sane if I'm struggling again.

Today has been a really good day, actually! So I was on a really successful diet for about 6 months during which I got a 3rd of the way to my overall weight goal and built a bunch of muscle. Then, when I started college full time, I basically stopped altogether. I didn't gain any weight back, but I have been plateaued (least favorite word to spell omg) for a looonggggg time. This week, I've been finally eating how I want to again. My go to breakfast has been

Overnight oats: 1/2 cup of unrefined dried oats 1/2 cup of 2% milk 1 whole banana cut into thin slices 1 tablespoon of honey

Honestly I had it on like the 29th without any banana or honey and that SHIT WAS ASSSSSSS. It was so bland, but I hate wasting food so I downed that slop anyway and felt siicccckkkk ough. Honestly it's been really hard to eat lately due to my current tweak out sesh (breakup stuff) and forcing myself to down that was terrible ToT. This new version with banana and honey is AMAZING THOUGH LIKE ITS GENUINELY TASTY?

After I ate that I went to work and... honestly? As much as I hate my co-workers? It was really good to see them today. They may be bad people, but they are all really attached to me. I have been giving them all life advice for so long because I thought I had it all figured out, and it's very funny being on the opposite end of things now. I specifically asked them if they think I was being silly for reaching out and breaking no contact with my partner (they are my ex but... ugh it doesn't feel right to say that, it makes my stomach hurt). I explained to them why, how, and when I did it and... they actually supported me, they are the only ones in my life who think that reaching out was anything but a mistake. I probably asked 12 people about it and only those three felt like... maybe I'm not wrong for trying to continue the conversation more than we did. Either way, they responded yesterday and we've been talking a lot today. Us talking naturally doesn't mean we're automatically back together, but it might be a new beginning of sorts regardless of what the end looks like. I'm feeling hopeful that we might be able to talk things out and heal, but I can't say anything for certain for now and probably won't be able to for a long time.

I can say that... I found out today that they were thinking about me too. When they started replying to my texts today I snuck out of work to sit in the back of my car and just... take in what they were saying, and respond. They took a picture at work that had my name on it... that made me cry real, fat tears for the first time since this happened. It's strange how I had been sobbing but my cheeks stayed dry, but the moment I talked to them and saw a glimmer of us in their life I started bawling in the back of my own car.

Today is also the first day I've rested instead of heading to the gym after work since this all started. Oh my god my body is so sore. Right now I'm planning out the rest of my night and physical activity is NOT on the agenda.

- After I post this I'll give myself a bit more time to rest and relax - Then it's time to work on homework! First I have to practice for an oral exam I have tomorrow in Spanish class. Then after that, I have both a presentation and another project in Archaeology due on Friday ToT I also have this re-write of a short story for creative writing that I need to work on a second draft of - Then I want to work on OC stuff? I have some ideas for a sleep token OC that I wanna work on, and also I think I can refine my OC's for DnD, my personal writing projects and more somewhat? I think it'd been neat to try and draw them myself sometime soon - besides that I don't think I have plans. Maybe some video games or reading if I have extra time!

Thank you for listening tonight tumblr, you're the realest <3 if anyone sees this, I'm still looking for more mutuals! I wanna learn more about people who share my interests, don't be a stranger :3