#I’ve had one exception where I was ok with doing regular relationship stuff with someone

[pineapple-lover-boy]

Just found out he’s now interested in a new girl. But I guess he said something wrong to her and he asked some friends what to do to make it up (like get her flowers, that sort of thing).

I’m not exactly surprised. He liked me at some point last year. Later on I found out that only a few days after he had been rejected by someone was when we had started talking (we had stopped talking at some point and started being friends again a few months ago).

I don’t feel bad anymore. During a party, the day after I called him a friend, he had been in that slump and sitting alone for most of the time (although an hour before he was jamming out on the dance floor but idk what he was feeling).

So he liked me so much that referring to him as a friend (what else would I call him, even if I did like him romantically) made him act that way, yet a few days later he’s starting something romantic with another girl. I understand if someone moves on quickly but damn, he had her as a backup.

There’s no other explanation. He said they were talking to each other everyday but now that he’s fucked up she hasn’t messaged in a little while. That meant that while he liked me, he also thought of her as possibly something more.

Oh my god. I’ve been feeling very guilty for the past few days. My friend tried to set me and a guy up. The guy and I (who I’m already friends with) start talking more often. I enjoy talking with him. I enjoy hanging out with him.

For once I can potentially see myself in a relationship with someone.

But then our mutual friends start confirming that he likes me. He starts getting physically closer and it takes me a few tries of telling him to move before he does. I see how he looks at me, though subtle.

Then it all disappears. Suddenly I feel disgusted at the thought of dating him. And so at one point while messaging him I referred to him casually as a friend. He went into a slump and a mutual friend said I should apologize. While I didn’t really mean it I mentioned that I might have been leading him on and my friend wholeheartedly agreed.

Now for some info that I think is important: in the beginning he asked me out to an event that we’d both be attending. I said yes but that I wanted it to be platonic because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in a relationship.

In my perspective this meant our relationship could go either way. And that it would be a natural process that we didn’t have to discuss much. He took it to mean that I just wanted to go slow and that he expected us to be in a relationship in the end.

I did apologize and he accepted. We both agreed that we wanted to still be friends. But I’ve still been feeling guilty. I did something terrible. What if he doesn’t actually want to be friends anymore? What if our friends start hating me for what I did?

And then I found out that lithromantic exists. To be able to have romantic crushes but the idea suddenly becoming unappealing and the crush vanishing once reciprocated.

I even found someone online who was lithromantic and had a similar experience. They felt like they had led someone on because they so obviously had a crush on them. But once that person expressed their feelings and insisted that the other person still liked them, they suddenly felt disgusted.

This whole time I’ve been thinking I’m a terrible person for something I couldn’t control. Is it reasonable to think that because nothing had been confirmed that I would still refer to him as a friend? Is it reasonable that I would still want a platonic relationship when I expressed that I might not want a romantic one?

I laid it out in front of him in the beginning but he still assumed that we would end up in a relationship. What if I started talking to someone and got into a relationship? Would it be my fault when for going into a relationship while being single? We had no claim to each other. I understand it hurts but I feel like he should have prepared mentally for that situation if I told him that things were most likely going to stay how they were.

If you’re still reading this, can I have some insight? I only really started feeling bad about what happened once I talked to that friend. I know how it looks on the outside but I can’t control what his expectations are, especially when I told him that I wanted something platonic.

[asterlark]

ok. samwell college of music au. i wrote all four years let's go babey

eric bittle is this lovely southern tenor (sounds kinda like mitch grassi or ben j pierce) who posts covers (& sometimes originals, but always with neutral or no pronouns because he can't post anything that says he or him ☹) on his youtube channel and has major stage fright but is very talented; he also plays ukulele

he got into samwell college of music on a voice scholarship and his dad doesn’t exactly approve but eric was never the 6′2″ masculine football player he wanted anyway so why not go for his dreams

he auditions for the very competitive samwell men’s contemporary chorus (there’s like 20 choirs; chamber choir, jazz choir, a cappella groups (lax bros do a cappella), combined choirs, etc- smcc does contemporary pop/rock music) and while he’s very very nervous and shaky as he auditions, directors hall & murray see a lot of potential in him (with major grumbling from student director jack)

(the rest of this ridiculously long au under the cut)

the group is small, for a chorus, because the point of the group is not a wall of sound but a focus on all of the very talented guys’ voices coming together in these gorgeous harmonies and basically they’re like one of the best choruses on campus and all the male singers want in

so there’s jack zimmermann, who of course eric knows because everyone knows who he is, he’s the son of bob and alicia zimmermann, both incredibly talented and famous musicians, and basically those genes were in his favor because he’s mega fucking talented

(jack was supposed to sign a recording contract to be in a band with his best friend kent parson when he was 17 but something happened between them and the pressure was too much and jack overdosed on something- there’s so many rumors no one knows what’s real- and kent signed solo in LA & went on to win grammys for his albums about a mysterious ex and jack disappeared for a few years to be a counselor at a music camp and reappears at samwell, knocking everyone’s socks off again like he’d never left, except with a renewed vigor and intenseness that freaks everyone out)

jack is a contemporary writing & production major, freaky talented and sings like a modern day frank sinatra, and he plays like 20 instruments and can read music like breathing air and writes songs like if he stopped he’d die; his music is folksy and mournful and he plays all the instruments on his tracks himself- guitar, piano, strings, drums- it sounds like a full band but nope. just jack. he’s intense

“we all get nicknames in this choir,” justin informs eric on his first day, “we’re those kinda guys.” so he’s bitty, which he finds vaguely offensive (bc he’s not that short!) but still cute, & the rest of the group is introduced to him:

“shitty” knight (voice like colyer) is a musical education major and an enigma of a singer with this awesome, earthy, raspy voice that’s really interesting to listen to and a very.... unique style & look; he writes cheesy but shockingly good raps about social justice topics and he will sing-lecture you if you’ve said something offensive (he also plays banjo)

justin “ransom” oluransi is a music business & management major with an angelic voice you can’t help but listen to; he’s sultry and has an incredible range and does runs like nobody’s business (with a voice like daniel caesar or leslie odom jr UGH)

adam “holster” birkholtz is a voice performance major, wants to be on broadway and it’s all he ever goddamn talks about basically, he’s a belter and has a lot of charisma and starpower and he’ll charm the pants off of you within one note; can also play piano and irritates everyone constantly because his regular volume is like a level 11 (voice like the frontman of my brothers and i combined w/ x ambassadors lead singer)

larissa “lardo” duan is at the local art institute because performing arts is not her jam and she’d much rather paint; she’s a barista at annie’s and supervises open mic nights and keeps the annoying choir dudes from driving away all her patrons

“i’m not even in your dumbass choir,” she says when the group gave her her nickname. holster just told her that she was an honorary member and then started sing-shouting a song at her about how good she is

bitty’s first year is hard because he’s talented and he works hard but he shies away when anyone asks him to sing outside the group and like, he can sing to a camera by himself but being on a stage with everyone looking at you and the sole responsibility of the song on your shoulders is terrifying and no thanks

jack does not. understand this. he’s been performing practically since he came out of the womb and he doesn’t really get performance nerves (what he gets is anxiety about how he did after he gets off stage that follows him home and makes it so he can’t sleep) - so he bothers bitty about it constantly like “you just need practice, you just have to sing by yourself a lot and then you’ll get over it” which like.... that’s true but it’s also hella scary and bitty’s like “no thanks!!!!”

but jack’s annoying and intense so he makes bitty do open mic with him every saturday night and it’s going okay and bitty loves his choir and loves his school and these new friends he’s making and he finally feels comfortable enough to come out to them during his second term

then during their spring choral showcase at the end of his freshman year bitty has a solo and he’s worked really hard on it and he’s feeling good- okay he’s completely freaked out but he’s trying to feel good- but when he gets up on stage there’s so many people and the stage lights are so hot on his face and he flips out a little and maybe he passes out from anxiety and stress right on stage and it’s terrible and he’s so embarrassed and ashamed that he ruined their set at the showcase

of course jack blames himself because “we shouldn’t have given you a solo before you were ready, i misjudged it, i’m sorry” - and they all feel kinda bad bc holy fuck they didn’t know his stage fright was that bad like they didn’t know someone could pass out just by being anxious to sing

he practices all the time over the summer and goes to his local open mic at jack’s insistence and it actually helps a lot because instead of a sea of strangers judging him it’s a bunch of people he knows and they’re all smiling at him and when he finishes his song they cheer for him and it boosts his self-confidence a lot

his sophomore year they have three new members- chris ”chowder” chow (voice like ieuan), an excitable music education major with impressive rapping skills, derek "nursey" nurse (frank ocean or leon bridges type), a songwriting major who can also play violin and guitar, and will ”dex” poindexter (like tom west), a production & engineering major who tried out with chowder bc he needed moral support and didn't expect to get in but impressed the directors with his voice

the year’s going pretty good, bitty’s still pretty scared of singing alone but more confident now and the open mic nights with jack haven’t stopped, so he’s getting better. and one night they’re hanging out at annie’s after closing waiting for lardo to be done so they can walk her home, and bitty suggests that jack sing with him one of these nights, and jack says he doesn’t know any of bitty’s songs and bitty says they can write one together half jokingly but then jack is like “yes.” with that Intense Look

SO they get together a couple days later in jack’s room at the house they all live in together (bitty moved in at the beginning of the year after previous smcc member john johnson called him- how’d he get his number?- and told him he could take his room if he wanted), jack with his guitar and bitty with his ukulele, and it’s a little awkward until bitty says jack should play him one of his songs

and, okay, he doesn’t really know what to expect because the only music jack ever released to the public was that one single he did with kent parson when they were 17 so bitty doesn’t even know if he has anything to play him, but he does- he starts playing these soft, sad notes on the guitar and opens his mouth and sings about being lonely and scared and unsure, about false starts and shaky ground and not knowing where you stand with someone, about expectations and lying awake at night and wishing so hard you were someone else, and bitty watches him sing and just kind of... realizes he’s head over heels for this boy and internally Freaks Out a little

he tries to put that aside and they start to write this song, at first it’s weird because jack’s like “all your songs are love songs i can’t really relate to happy love songs” and bitty’s like “listen... i’ve never even had a boyfriend i just write a bunch of sappy love stuff because it’s not about me it’s about whoever’s listening to it, they’re gonna project their own experiences on my music anyway so it doesn’t matter if it’s my real life or not” and jack’s like “alright while fake af that’s smart and i respect you” (what bitty doesn't say is that he writes about what he really wants which is to fall in love & be in a happy relationship)

they say they’re just gonna write this kinda vague sad song but they both secretly write lines about their actual lives so it ends up being really personal and real and raw for the both of them

they sing the song at open mic that saturday and the crowd at annie’s is never that big but they’ve never got a standing ovation here before, and some girl shouts “MAKE AN ALBUM” (it may or may not be lardo) and they both blush furiously and bitty’s like “... that was really nice, jack” and jack’s like “... yeah it was good good job you’re really getting some confidence out there nice work” (bitty: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AAAAH”)

around this time jack’s really thinking about what he’s gonna do when he’s done at samwell, talking with his parents and his agent and looking into different record companies and deciding if he wants to sign with anyone or possibly start his own company- the head of a small company called falcon records in rhode island has been talking to him a lot, and jack talks to bitty about how he thinks it’d be nice to start small, and the record exec georgia and the producer marty had both been really nice and welcoming, and bitty’s so happy for him but also just... sad that he won’t be around jack every day after he graduates

THEN at a haus party celebrating their win of a local choral competition, who shows up but none other than pop star kent parson to Ruin The Fun

bitty sees the way jack pales when kent walks in, notices them disappear upstairs together and feels a little sick worrying about jack but chalks it up to the highly alcoholic concoction shitty and lardo had cooked up but nonetheless decides he’s sick of the party and goes up to his room and hears.... a little too much

and YIKES he’s standing right there and kent parson, pop star, two-time grammy winner, is looking a little rumpled and staring right at him and he puts his hat on and clears his throat and snaps at jack- “hey. well. call me if you reconsider. but good luck with rhode island. ...i’m sure that’ll make your parents proud.” and jack’s shaking, and bitty doesn’t know what to do but jack goes back into his room and bitty’s just kind of standing there like What The Fuck

so.... he kind of stews over winter break but tries not to think about it too much and he and jack text a bit and jack tells him to practice and bitty’s like “oh, you” and jack’s like “im serious” and bitty’s like “>:( it’s christmas”

spring semester starts and they're doing well in competitions and they go to semifinals and then finals for a prestigious collegiate choir competition and the pressure is mounting but they all are so optimistic and really feel like they're on the same page and bitty’s confidence is better than ever and then.... they don't win

jack especially takes it very hard, but then he also has signing to worry about, which everyone helps him with and he decides to sign with falcon records and start work on an album after graduation

speaking of graduation, shitty and jack graduate and it's hard for them but harder for bitty who feels like he's losing jack in a way, he knows how intense jack gets when he's making music and it doesn't feel like he'll have any time for bitty anymore so when they say goodbye bitty goes back to the haus and listens to his and jack's song and just cries

but, like in canon, dadbob has words of wisdom to impart and jack has an "oh" moment and races across campus to kiss bitty

they get together and the next few months are spent with jack working nonstop on his album (which tbh, he'd had many of the songs written already so it's mostly recording and producing) and texting bitty constantly and coming to visit him and playing him demos of all the songs

jack also asks bitty if they can record the song they wrote together & have it as a bonus track on his album & bitty says of course, so when jack visits they set up an impromptu studio and record vocals in the guest bedroom and this deeply personal song they wrote before they were ever together means so much more to them now

and bitty is so happy but so scared and sad too because jack is playing him these songs telling him "they're all for you bits, & a lot of them are about you" and he just doesn't know how he's going to keep all this love inside even though it feels like jack's career is at stake

he tries to shove it down and stay strong though, especially since he's now an upperclassman and they're taking on new members- connor "whiskey" whisk (voice like finneas or the male singer in valley), a music business/ management major who seems to hate bitty's guts and tony "tango" tangredi (like chaz cardigan), a jazz composition major who astounds everybody with his endless questions but also his ridiculously impressive composition skills & naturally perfect pitch (he can also play saxophone??)

i want ford in this au so fuck it she is a composition major with dreams to write scores for musicals and she stars training as a barista at annie's (aka training to corral the smcc)

the pressure of it all proves to be a lot and bitty and jack have their hi, honey moment where bitty's like i can't be this deep in the closet!!! and so they tell the smcc and also jack's label that they're together and that eases things a bit

jack's album comes out to much critical acclaim and shouting in the groupchat ("#1 ON ITUNES BRAHHHHH!!!!!!!!") and several months later, when smcc has already been eliminated from choral competition in an earlier round, jack is nominated for SEVERAL grammys including best album, song of the year, and best new artist

when the time comes he takes his parents and bitty on the red carpet which, everyone keeps being like "who are you here with jack?" and he's like "my family and my good friend :)" and yes it is awkward

jack wins... all three awards. it's the comeback everyone is stoked to see and when his third win is announced, he and bitty are so elated that they kiss before he goes to accept the award

his speech is basically just "um... wow. thank you. i just kissed my boyfriend on live tv. this is amazing and i'm so humbled. i'd like to thank my boyfriend and georgia and marty and my parents and my friends and my boyfriend"

obviously the press has a FIELD DAY with this but bitty & jack are honestly vibing and so happy that it doesn't matter untiiiillll bitty's mom calls and he has to tell her "mama i'm gay and i'm going on tour with jack this summer okloveyoubye"

the last few months of bitty's junior year pass quickly and he's voted student director which is a huge honor considering how much he struggled with stage fright and confidence & how he'll now be stepping into ransom & holster's shoes

r&h and lardo all graduate (the smcc basically crashes the art school graduation and all scream when lardo gets her diploma lmao), which is a bittersweet occasion and they all do a bit of tearing up

that summer bitty goes on tour across the u.s. & canada with jack and his touring band (snowy is a bassist, tater is a drummer and poots does backing guitar, he also brings nursey to play violin on a few songs) as well as georgia who's there to manage logistics

and tour is so fun & chaotic with many bi and rainbow flags in the audience that end up thrown on stage and draped around jack's neck and they spend so many nights in the bus drinking and laughing and fooling around on the guitars and bitty's uke and exploring new cities bitty has never been to before and it's the freest bitty has felt in a long time

summer ends though, and jack leaves for the uk/europe leg of the tour, and with the new school year brings a few new members- river "bully" bullard (voice like gregory alan isakov), a music therapy major who draws his own cover art for his songs, lukas "louis" landmann (like jr jr), an electronic production and design major with a penchant for EDM, and johnathan "hops" hopper (like keiynan lonsdale), a film scoring major who wants to write music for movies and video games

bitty meets and befriends some of the other student directors- shruti, sd of the women’s contemporary chorus; sharon, sd of the chamber choir; and edgar, sd of jazz ensemble (even chad l., sd of the all-male a cappella group)

senior year passes similarly to the comic; coach visits and sees one of bitty’s competitions, jack comes to madison for christmas, smcc does well in competition and goes to regionals etc

however… bitty keeps putting off and putting off gathering the songs for his senior recital

he has a hard time doing that because he’s so focused on the group and making sure they’re performing well and as they advance in competition, everything else starts to fall away

eventually the rest of the smcc has to lock away his uke and change his youtube password and FORCE him to choose songs for it and start preparing because he cannot graduate without doing this recital and doing well on it

he chooses (of course) a beyonce song, a few of his own songs, an ellie goulding song, and an adele song

with all that his breath hitches and his hands shake before he goes on stage, he does really well and his voice instructor prof atley tears up a little in the audience as does his mom

meanwhile smcc goes to semifinals, then finals, of the national collegiate choral competition they participate in

and i imagine bitty faces somewhat less homophobia in this au because i mean, he’s in the performing arts, but i think it’s still there and he also faces a good amount of classism from richer students and performers who think they’re better because they had the resources and money to be performing professionally from a very young age, and he has been practicing via filming himself on a shitty camcorder and posting it to youtube

but they still get there! and the national finals are fucking HUGE and a big deal and a little overwhelming

bitty’s stage fright is Present because this is the biggest stage and the biggest stakes he's ever had and he has a big solo in one of their songs so if he fucks up, he fucks up a national championship for his whole group and school

luckily though, when he steps on the stage with his best friends and sees his boyfriend and family and smcc alums in the audience and they perform their first song, a high-energy pop medley that always gets the crowd going, everything seems to melt away and it's just him living in this moment and singing his heart out

when it gets to the next song and his solo, he forgets to be nervous and belts it out, getting screams of approval from the audience when he finishes

(dex and nursey do have a duet together that they had to practice for many long nights in the practice rooms alone but that's neither here nor there)

their time on stage seems to last both hours and no time at all and then they're done, the crowd gives them a standing ovation and it's at least 30% r&h & shitty's hooting and hollering and jack's enthusiastic clapping that makes bitty & the others beam with pride

then it's just waiting, giddy and nervous beyond belief in their green room, for the judging to be over

after what feels like forever they're back on stage, arms linked together waiting and hoping for their name to be called and it is, they win and it feels like years have built up to this moment, and bitty tears up because years ago when he was fainting from anxiety at having to perform in front of people he never could've imagined that he'd do this, that he'd be the student director that led them to a championship

they get the trophy and a ridiculous amount of flowers from their loved ones and they all are just in giddy disbelief that this is happening, they're national champs!!! they are the best choir boys in the nation!!

they come home and the rest of the school year passes by so quickly that it's very suddenly graduation and bitty can't believe his college career at samwell is over 😢

(he and ollie and wicky take pictures together, o&w talk about how excited they are to devote full time attention to their band & wedding planning and bitty's just like wait you're gay??)

bitty got plenty of offers from record companies but he likes his freedom of creativity and he has a built in fanbase from doing youtube all these years so he decides to make an album independently (jack helps him produce & master it 🥰)

when bitty's album comes out about a year later, full of bops about being gay and in love and having struggled but come out the other side more confident than ever, it doesn't get any grammy nominations- and he didn't expect or need that.

what it does do is it resonates. it makes the rounds in youtube and queer internet circles; people his age reach out to him saying this is the music they wish they had as a kid and kids reach out to him saying he's a role model and they're so glad to have his music to listen to. his album is written about as an underrated gem that shines with queer brilliance and is sure to start a party when it comes on.

his parents may not fully understand the road he's chosen for himself but they're still so proud and promote the album as hard as any of his loyal fans (especially the one country-inspired song on the album that he wrote and dedicated to them).

and jack, jack who saw this album from its infancy to its release date, who took the film photo that ended up being the album cover, who worked with bitty to make sure his vision was realized exactly how he wanted it to be, is proud beyond words.

jack starts using his semi-abandoned twitter again to tweet "stream [album name]" every day and bitty retweets them sometimes, with just a "this boy. ❤"

and they're happy. they're good. they have come so far and they are reaping the rewards of all the hard work they put in to make the music that they truly love.

the end :)

[mieohmy]

𝗌𝗐𝖾𝖾𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗌𝗈𝗎𝗋 | 𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝗍𝗐𝗈

 original fic  → here (i recommend you read it first if you haven’t already to understand the story better!) 

PAIRING: CEO boss! jeon wonwoo x secretary! reader

GENRE: fluff, angst, humor, office au

WC: 3k 

update: final part can be found here !

❋

“Seungkwan that’s not it!!! I swear I looked through the whole desk, and I can’t find it.” You rub your face in frustration. 

It was an earring. Not that big of a deal since you weren’t really wearing it, but it was a gift from your father. So ....it was kind of a big deal. You may or may not have panicked for about 10 minutes before calling seungkwan over to help your search. 

“Did you drop it then? Maybe it’s on the ground or something,” seungkwan suggests. You both share a glance before dropping to the floor.

“I can’t believe we’re crawling on the ground like babies for an earring.” You huff from under your desk. “It’s a special earring. Please, just- ow!” Hissing in pain, you stumble out from under your desk where you just hit your head. 

Seungkwan looks over at you, unimpressed. “Now that’s funny.” “I just- Seungkwan, seriously?!” You scrunch your face in pain after gently touching your forehead. “Can you check if there’s a mark?” 

Seungkwan rolls his eyes, muttering something under his breath before making his way to you. He leans in over you, inspecting your forehead. 

“Where? Here?” he presses on a spot. “Ouch! You idiot, don’t press on it,” you say, slapping his hand away. He’s about to respond when you hear someone call your name. 

Turning, you spot wonwoo. “CEO Jeon!!” seungkwan blurts out, bowing hastily. Wonwoo doesn’t say anything, standing there with a weird look on his face. You frown, is this deja vu or something? “Secretary y/n, what are you two doing?” The tone in his voice telling you he was clearly jealous. 

You had reassured him that you liked him and only him, but it was still funny endearing to you how jealous wonwoo could get. 

Fighting back a smile, you explain. “Wonwoo, we were just-“ 

“Wonwoo?!?!” seungkwan bursts out incredulously. “You call our CEO wonwoo now?” Cringing, you forgot how wonwoo insisted a million times for you to call him his regular name. You both decided on an agreement. Outside of work, you would call him his normal name but at the office, you firmly persisted in calling him formally, it just accidentally slipped out this time. 

You look at wonwoo, panicked, but he just shrugs and opens his mouth to speak. You being wilding gesturing behind seungkwan’s back to be quiet and mouthing don’t-! but it’s too late. “I guess you don’t know, Mr. Boo. Y/n and I are in a relationship.” 

Seungkwan lets out an incredulous gasp as you slap your face in defeat. He turns to you, and you prepare yourself, bracing. “You didn’t tell me ANYTHING?!?! This whole time I thought we were best friends, and you go and do this?!?” He inhales, about to go off again when wonwoo clears his throat. 

“Mr. Boo.” seungkwan freezes. “I’d rather you not blame y/n. We both decided to keep quiet for the sake of our jobs and us as well. You’d understand, right?” 

Seungkwan stiffly nods and bows, leaving but not before shooting you a dirty look that screams we’ll talk about this later.

You eventually explain everything to him, forcing him to keep it a secret that ended in you keeping seungkwan in a headlock until he promised. 

❋

It’s about a week after finally revealing the secret to seungkwan when you’re finishing up a document, the workday almost ending.

Once you finally close your laptop, a smile makes its way onto your face as you quickly pack up and make your way over to a familiar door.

Knocking, you push through the door, spotting him. Wonwoo gives you a small smile before looking back at his papers. You make your way over, resting your hands on his desk. “I’m about to go home. When are you leaving?” you say.

He furrows his eyebrows, looking outside. “You’re going now? In this weather?” Your eyes follow his out the window, rain pouring down outside. You didn’t even notice the weather.

“It’s ok,” you reassure. “I’ll just run quickly.” Wonwoo knew you didn’t have a vehicle and took the bus home. He offered to drive you every day, but sometimes he would stay at the office super late -plus, you didn’t want people noticing and saying more things. 

“Why don’t I just drive you home?” he suggests. You’re about to protest, but a crash of thunder causes you to jump slightly. wonwoo gives you that look. “Y/n, it’ll be way faster and more convenient for me to take you. And don’t worry, I’ll drive instead of my chauffeur. He can go home early.” 

You sigh reluctantly before nodding. “Alright, let me just get my stuff.” You walk out to your desk, gathering your stuff before you walk back into his office, looking sad and defeated.

Wonwoo can’t help but smile-he found you adorable. You slowly shuffle over to him. He takes your hand, asking, “what’s wrong?”

“I might’ve left my apartment keys at home..” You squeeze your eyes shut, stupid!! How could you leave your keys at home? What are you gonna do now?

“You can stay at my house. If, that’s okay with you?” You open your eyes, glancing at wonwoo in surprise. You bite your lip, contemplating. You really didn’t have a choice. 

“I-I have a spare room, and my maids can get clothes for you too..” he adds. “I guess, If it’s not too much of a bother..” you say hesitantly. Wonwoo grins, “Alright, Let’s go.”

It wasn’t your first time in a car with your boss, but it was the first time you saw him drive. You liked the sight a lot more than you would admit. 

❋

Arriving at his house, you’d seen the outside plenty of times when picking him up, but you were definitely more awestruck than you thought. It was different going to his house as his partner, not his secretary.

Once he parks, he gets out and opens your car door for you. You smile at the action. Strolling up the walkway, you spot a servant waiting at the entrance.

She bows to both of you, smiling and saying, “welcome home, Mr. jeon,” before turning to you. “You must be y/l/n y/n. I’ve heard a lot about you,” she says before winking.  You shoot wonwoo a surprised and confused look, and he returns it with a smile. 

“You think I wouldn’t at least brag about you to my servants?”

Entering his house, you’re in awe, eyes unable to focus on one thing. It was a lot cleaner and simpler than you thought, but still magnificent (plus a lot more kitten accessories than you ever could’ve imagined). His servants did a great job keeping the whole place clean. 

“What do you think? It’s your first time inside, isn’t it?” You nod, suddenly feeling more awkward as you realized you were staying overnight in a man’s house, specifically your boyfriend’s. 

He continues. “All the workers leave to go home at this time. I don’t like to keep them long. Except for one though, she’ll be assisting you before leaving.” You gulp, you’re gonna be alone in a house with jeon wonwoo? 

Wonwoo leads you to another worker, waiting outside a room that you figured was the one you were gonna be staying in. “She’ll help you get adjusted.  I’ll be going to my room-it’s just down the hall. If you need anything, call me. Well uh, goodnight, y/n.”

“goodnight.. wonwoo.” He gives you one last smile before walking off, and the maid guides you into your room. 

It’s a nice guest room. Not too big or small. Plus, you had your own bathroom. The maid gives you a pile of clothes. “I hope these are fine., and everything else needed should be here.” You nod gratefully, “yes, thank you.” 

The maid walks to the door before stopping in front. You glance at her, confused.

“Mr. jeon... he always seemed so lonely living in this big house by himself, It’s nice to see him with someone, especially you who really knows him. Thank you for staying by his side for so long. There are not many who can. He always speaks so highly of you, I can tell you make him really happy.” 

You aren’t able to speak, just softly smiling and nodding, too full of emotion. 

You space out, thinking of wonwoo before remembering to get ready for bed. You enter the bathroom, it’s way better than yours at home nice.

You frown, there’s no towel. You remember all the workers left, so you have no choice but to ask wonwoo. Preparing yourself, you exhale before leaving your room. Walking through his nice hallway to his room, you notice his door is cracked. 

Softly pushing through, the door widens and you’re able to look around before spotting him coming from another room, presumably his bathroom. Except, he was naked. From the waist up. Thank goodness for that towel.

Let’s just say his body was a lot more toned than you thought. 

You inhale, staying frozen for a second before your body finally listens to you, and you scramble out, running back to the guest room. 

Shutting the door, you fall back against it, letting out a silent scream. AKFJGNE WHAT DID YOU JUST SEE?!?

You try to collect yourself, taking in a deep breath, but the image of him pops into your brain. and you crumple to the ground, face hot. 

I guess no washing up tonight...

You didn’t get much sleep that night. 

❋

Your eyes flit open. Squinting, you glance around. This isn’t your room... Ah, that’s right. You spent a night at wonwoo‘s house. 

Exhausted, you somehow manage to get ready before timidly and quietly exiting your room. Walking to the kitchen, you’re stopped by the view of a full table. 

And, wonwoo of course.“Uh, hi,” he says. 

“Hi,” you respond, taking in all the food. “I-I asked the servants to cook breakfast. I didn’t know they would make this much... How was your sleep?” wonwoo asks.

You awkwardly nod, “it was nice,“ trying extremely hard to stop a sudden oncoming yawn. “are you sure?” he asks, “you look really tired. Maybe you shouldn’t work today..” You protest. “No! It’s fine- I’m fine.” Your eyes meet his for a second, quickly averting down to your chair. 

You promptly sit down, shyly watching as wonwoo gets food for you- your favorites. 

You mutter thanks, refusing to look him in the eye as you drink your water.

“Are you okay y/n?? You look like you’re seeing me naked or something,” wonwoo jokes. 

You immediately choke, coughing and gasping as you almost drop the cup.

“Y/n!! Are you alright?” wonwoo helps you clean up. You nod, quickly excusing yourself to the bathroom. 

You splash water on your face, groaning. This is gonna be a long day.

He drives you to work, and you quickly go up before him. Once you get to your desk, Seungkwan and Dokyeom ambush you. 

“Why are you so late? We were getting pretty worried about you. Also, you look horrible.” seungkwan says. You rub your face, sighing as you mutter, “well, that’s what happens when you stay over at Jeon Wonwoo’s house...” Immediately you clamp your hand over your mouth. Curse exhaustion for you not being able to think straight and running your mouth. 

“You stayed at Boss’s house overnight?!” Dokyeom furrows his eyebrows in thought. “Wait, does that mean-“ 

You fly over to him, roughly slapping a hand over his mouth-er, face. Dokyeom shrieks from underneath you. “I swear to god- if you say anything- you’ll no longer have a home to go to,” you mutter into his ear. He gives you a tiny nod. 

Finally, you release him and shoot seungkwan a deathly look, dragging your thumb across your neck as a threat. He gulps, nodding hastily. 

You turn around, walking before stopping and calling out, “and no! Nothing happened!” You hear seungkwan and dokyeom mutter from behind you. 

Sighing, you brush yourself off and continue to the drink station-you needed energy-ignoring others giving you weird stares.

❋

Sometime that afternoon, wonwoo calls you into his office. “What is it?” “Sir?” you add. He only grins, “would you like to come with me to an opening party tonight? You’re free right?”

You nod slowly- you haven’t been to one in a while. Sometimes you would accompany wonwoo to events, dressing up nicely even though you were only there to stay at his side, like a pet. You actually didn’t particularly enjoy them- it was boring talking to random people and escaping strangers who acted a little too flirty for comfort. 

But after everything changed- your feelings, specifically, you kinda liked going with him. Wonwoo was still busy interacting with other guests, but he always made time for you and scared off other people.

“Alright, don’t forget to dress up nice,” he winks. You laugh, bowing. “Yes, sir.”

Surprisingly, you were able to control yourself- by that you meant your thoughts. You give credit to your lunch, it gave you energy, and you were able to focus better. 

Wonwoo allowed you to go home early and get ready, and you were also able to obtain spare keys to get into your apartment. 

Immediately once you opened the door, you flew to your closet, throwing out clothes. What were you gonna wear? No, you already wore that one before.  Ugh, that’s too old fashioned. 

Before when you used to go to events with wonwoo, you would complain while dressing up. It took you a long time to get ready since wonwoo would insult your look until you looked good enough to join him. It was strange, now, how you actually wanted to dress up and look all nice for him. 

Finally, you were ready. A honk outside alerts you. Grabbing your stuff, you quickly walk over to the car. Uncomfortably getting in, you try not to wrinkle your outfit. “You look amazing y/n,” the chauffeur says. You smile, “thank you. It took a while.” 

Once you’re almost to wonwoo’s house to pick him up, you quickly take out your phone camera, checking your appearance, smoothing your hair, confirming everything looks okay. You miss the chauffeur’s quiet laugh. 

When the driver stops in front, you prepare yourself. Exhaling, you walk out and up to his door, knocking. After a few seconds, a servant opens it. Wonwoo stands there, handsome as ever. “You look beautiful,” he breathes. Blushing, you respond, “you too.” 

“Me? Beautiful?” he asks.“Yep,” you respond, looping your arm through his. Wonwoo chuckles, the two of you walking down together. He opens the door for you, and you quickly remark, “what a gentleman..”, causing wonwoo to poke your side. 

Throughout the drive, you two chat along the way. “You know,” you muse, “I used to hate coming to these events. It took forever to get ready, and it wasn’t even fun to go to! I mostly agreed for the food. But..” 

“But what?” Wonwoo prompts. You look out the window, not catching his eye. “But ... now, I kinda like going, ...with you.” You fidget with your hands, a bashful smile on your face. 

The driver chuckles at the two of you, both too shy to look each other in the eye. You suddenly feel something warm move on top of your hand. Your eyes flick down, finding wonwoo‘s hand resting over yours. You smile, a comfortable silence between the two of you as the ride continues on.

“We’re pulling up,” the driver informs you. You brace yourself, preparing for the onslaught of bright flashes and putting on your camera face (even if they weren’t necessarily taking pictures of you).

“Are you ready, sir?” You ask, fingers hovering over the door handle. Wonwoo nods, and you open the door.

Immediately the familiar flashes blind you as you step out, patiently waiting for wonwoo. Once he gets out, you follow behind him, entering the venue.

It’s an extravagant bustling place, filled with other fancy guests. Wonwoo secretly squeezes your hand from behind, before letting go and you leave him to interact with other important people. 

You sigh, making your way over to where the food and drinks were. 

It feels like hours and hours pass of you avoiding speaking to random people before wonwoo finally approaches you, a sparkle in his eye. 

“Are you ready to leave?” You ask. He nods, grinning. “Yes, but I want to show you somewhere first.” You look at him questioningly as he guides you past all the commotion, out through a door.

You gasp. it’s an empty balcony overlooking the city. “How did you find this place?” You breathe. “Well, I wanted some fresh air and happened to find this place.” The two of you stand at the railing, staring over the edge at the beautiful city. 

“It’s so pretty at night,” you murmur. Wonwoo suddenly taps your shoulder. Turning, you watch as he fumbles with something in his pocket. No way, he isn’t gonna-?

Wonwoo finally gets it out with an aha! and you squint at what’s in his palm. It’s an..... earring?

Specifically, your earring! You look up at him in shock and delight. “Woo, how did you find this?” He blushes at your nickname for him. “Well, I might’ve asked seungkwan about it, and he told me what happened. It uh, took a little while to find, but I finally got the chance to give it to you.”

“Thank you. It was a gift from my dad,” you whisper. Leaning up, you press a quick kiss to his lips. “Now can we go?” 

He laughs, “yeah, we can go home now.” 

❋

You crashed into bed that night, immediately falling asleep. But what you didn’t expect was to be woken up by what seemed to be a bazillion phone notifications. Groaning, you reach for your phone, checking the time.

Then you see it. A bunch of texts from Seungkwan and your other close co-workers. As well as even more from people you didn’t even know. 

You launch yourself up in bed, clicking on a message sent from Seungkwan.

 Oh my god.

You’re screwed.   

❋

A/N: uhhh i didn’t plan on making this into three parts but it kinda got long... so here’s part two? :]  (also i apologize if there was anyone waiting for this- school just started for me so..🤮🤮)

[ohnothewheatisonfire]

ok J&H Fandom, let’s talk:

“Popular” blog @thatsmyhyde​ is a prominent creator in the J&H Fandom. But here’s where the problem shows up: 

the content they make is concerning at least, and full of red flags at worst. 

DISCLAIMER: This is all information I have gathered through their tumblr blog - I am not aware of what other things they may be posting on other social medias or their written work.  ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: Please be polite, I am a minor, and am just creating this post to ward off / warn other minors from following this person. If you are an adult interacting with this post and blog, be mindful of your actions and be responsible

Trigger warnings for: discussions of homophobia, discussions of p//phillia, fat-shaming, fat-phobia (?), etc. Just be on general edge for this post, we’re talking about a lot of weird stuff

I will be linking their posts as I am not going to take screenshots of their art.

This is not a comprehensive list of all the things they’ve done - these are the ones I could think of and was able to adress. If you have anything additional you want to add to this post (such as concerning things they may do on other social media), feel free to reblog and add on the things you need to say, just please don’t be dumb. 

Let’s start with the premise: Henry Jekyll creates an alter ego, Edward Hyde. They begin a relationship - an emotional and physical one. Their AU features Jekyde (A popular ship in the fandom, the name stands for Jekyll x Hyde), people have various views on this ship. 

So far so fine, right? Here are the problems:

1. Their Henry Jekyll is an awful person. Now, let’s start by saying that of course you can have bad people in your works, those are, after-all: villains. The problem is,Henry Jekyll is a harmful walking gay sterotype, and an outlet for Biscuit’s obvious fat fetish. But their relationship isn’t just toxic it’s romanticised in how toxic it is.

a. The harmful stereotype - Their Henry Jekyll has a “thing” for younger men, even though he is in his middle-ages, and Hyde looks like a young child. (Age gap relationships are their own thing - they come with their own burdens, and this is not the post to discuss them. This topic will lead into the Edward  Hyde section of this post.) But, it was a known homophobic scare-mongering tactic of straight parents to accuse everyone who is gay that they are ‘out to prey on your youths’. This is a stereotype that stigmatized the LGBT community, and still harmfully affects them to this day. 

b. The fat fetish: Jekyll is frequently seen with cake (as seen here, here, and here)  or being self-loathing, to the point of suicide. (click the link here to acess a list of suicide and other crisis hotlines! you matter to me!). Now, the self-loathing could be a symptom of depression or other mental illness, so I am not going to talk about it, as a person with mental illnesses.  But the self-loathing in addition to him being fat is not good. Media is drowning in the “self-loathing fat person” and as someone who isn’t thin i’m tired of seeing this. 

- The fetish aspect comes in him constantly being referred to “Chonky”, a term usually used for overweight/obese cats and being drawn obsessed with cake. It fetishises his weight and dehumanises him into something people call their animals. Also, here’s more of Jekyll eating food and being embarassed by it, though this time because it’s seen as “servant’s food”. 

- Biscuit admits to liking them “Big and chunky” in posts like this. 

[Photo id: A string of texts that says: tantok, frankenstein, twink lore, dorian slipped through the cracks and got himself sketched by yours truly the other day because he brought lord henry along, he and the slime didn’t have to fight to the death because they’ve both got their own chonky old toxic henries to focus on, but this blog still ain’t big enough for the two of ‘em. end id]

- They also talk about how they ‘prefer’ to draw fat (chonky) people. Image attatched above. the thing that should be noticed is that they say ‘chonky old toxic henries’ . they, once again, are making fat people a fetish. 

[Photo id: Anonymous asks: are you gonna make a victor design tho biscuit responds: Oh, man, anon, I hate to disappoint but.....probably not. Aside from my non-humanoids and hellspwans (slime gremlins, corpse creatures, and etcetera), I’m extremely uninterested in drawing young thin men. I really need middle-aged chonk to hold my attention. If poor Victor Frankenstein had only been 40-something and round when he made his great creation, then he’d definitely get a design from yours truly. As it is though, he’s not holding my attention enough to want to. end id] 

Biscuit once again talks about how he doesn’t want to draw ‘thin men’, because he is only interested in older ‘round’ people. He, is, once again, bringing to light his fetish for fat people. 

2. Edward Hyde is basically a child - Edward Hyde is drawn in boy’s school clothes, is taken in and raised like a child after Jekyll’s death, and is constantly cooed over by the creator, even earning a nickname of ‘slime’ from them. In addition, he also has ‘family photos’ taken with Utterson, has his toenails kept, is the height of a child, and teeths. This, paired with the fact that he is in a toxic, abusive, relationship with a man in his middle ages is concerning and should not be romanticised. 

[Photo id: the text reads: In his first year of existence, Hyde lost teeth and regrew them in a mildly similar fashion to a kid losing baby teeth - except it wasn’t all of his teeth (Just the canines and some random molars) and they weren’t replaced with a larger set, just with teeth exactly the same as the ones that had been lost. No one knows what was up with this. the teeth are still in Jekyll’s study in a little jar. end id]

a. Hyde is treated like a child after Jekyll’s death. Hyde teething is concerning because that’s something infants do. He also clings to utterson like a child. The idea that he gets taken in by Utterson, whisked away to an estate out in the country, despite both of them having romantic feelings for Jekyll is. how do I put this: WEIRD. (seriously, imagine your father/father-figure dating ur significant other / having a crush on them before you two got together and after). 

b. Hyde dresses like a child, whilst being sexually active and wearing lingerie. Now, on their own, these traits aren’t a problem - but together? They are very much a problem.  

- Hyde dressing as a child is concerning because he is also treated like a child at certain points in their “lore”. After Jekyll’s death, Hyde becomes a singular entity, and is taken away by Utterson. To care for, like a child. This post sums it up well: he wears both children’s clothes and lingerie. 

- Hyde has a very strange appearance - if you compare it to his early design (which was less cartoony and looked more like a man in his twenties), Hyde’s current design is concerning. Why does he have the height of a child? Why does he have eyes that take up a grand part of his face? Now, one could argue that ‘he is not human’ - but if he is treated like a human, whilst wearing children’s/youthful clothes, teeths, and his general enchanment with the world - he appears as human (and looks eerily similar to a child), which is why him being sexually active, wearing lingerie, and being friendly with prostitutes (one that gave him underwear and other articles of clothing)  is concerning. 

- That said, Utterson is directly talked about being ‘adopted into gremlin fatherhood’ (paraphrasing). 

[Photo id: the text reads: 59. Jekyll is irresitibly attracted to everything about Hyde, but if he could somehow be forced to list hte most attractive physical attributes of Edward Hyde in his opinion, aside from Hyde’s youthful appearance in general it would be his eyes, his overbite (Jekyll perceived the way Hyde’s-) the screenshot cuts of the rest of the paragraph. end id] 

- Jekyll has a ‘thing’ for younger men. This is to the point that the most attractive part about Hyde is that he is young. (or looks like it), Hyde looking very young is concerning because that would make their verison of Doctor Jekyll a p*dophille . This is something the artist has either not recognized, realised, or simply does not acknowledge. 

3. The toxic relationship (and how it’s romanticised) - The relationship in this ‘AU’ is: love comes first, toxic nature comes second. If you scroll through the blog you may see some reference of ‘Henry Jekyll is such a toxic person teehee’ and a lot of them kissing, being together, smiling, or enjoying life. Now, obviously, an artist - if they do not want to - should not draw characters being toxic to each other. But it is concerning when the above points come into a factor, that the toxic nature of their relationship comes second to the highs of their relationship, at least on their blog. 

Here is one of the only examples I’ve seen of Biscuit talk about the relationship in a detailed negative light. 

4. The fandom - Whilst Biscuit says it’s ok for minors to interact with his blog (in that blog he says that he tags nsfw - which is true.) he does not regularly mention that his jekyde is toxic - not in a concerete way. He romanticises it (despite acknowledging it’s flaws), and the only way it may or may not be (i would not know) acknowledged is his fic: which is mature and not meant for minors. He does not tag his posts with regular triggers for things like: alcohol, drugs, mental illnesses, or abuse (any variants). They’re not even in his blog’s description! If Biscuit had acknowledged it in his blog, something along the lines of: “Hey! This blog has <content warnings> be warned when interacting! But no, he does not. 

- A lot of the people who draw things, or generally interact with Biscuit are minors. Being exposed to such a thing may be harmful to my peers, and I am worried. To minors who are fans of Biscuit: if you’ve made it this far, thank you, I know you’re mature and responsible, but being exposed to content creators like Biscuit could lead you down a dangerous path of having this kind of thing normalised to you. Be careful with the content you consume, please! And thank you for making it this far, I’m sure you’re a lovely person :)!

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Stay safe, tell the people you love that you love them. 

[nerdybookworm25]

Rambling about Katara and Zutara

Ok so I’m going to kind of just put my two cents out there on this stuff. I joined the ATLA fandom this past summer and just started watching TLOK (my brother and I just finished Book 2 yesterday). This is a hot debate and I just want to ramble on about my opinions on this stuff. A lot of this will focus on Katara’s perspective because I can understand her better than Zuko or Aang due to personal experience. Im just... gonna... get into it now...

I’ll give you some background on me so you guys can understand where I’m coming from. I’m a 15 year old girl with abandonment issues caused by multiple deaths of close friends and family at a young age (my uncle when I was 4, a grandmother like figure when I was 7, my dad’s mum when I was 9 or 10, my great grandma when I was 11, a close friend of my dad’s when I was 13 and many others). I also am the Mum Friend (my friends literally call me “Mum”). I’m the caregiver of the group- the glue, the harmonizer, the therapist, the teacher, the good advice giver etc. (This stuff actually hot me in trouble as a kid and it kind of messed me up). My friends who have seen Avatar have compared me to Katara on multiple occasions and say I’ve got the temperament of a waterbender. You can kind of see where I’d relate, you know?

I do ship Zutara. My brother turned to me during the Book 1: Water- Episode 9~ The Waterbending Scroll and asked, “What if Zuko becomes a good guy and ends up with Katara?” From then on I was on the Zutara hill and I’ll probably die there. It limited ships that I loved from childhood and I thought it would hav been really cool- it would have fit the themes of the show, it would have been a cool thing to see grow and blossom, etc. It had nothing to do with Katara and Zuko being attractive at all- not in the slightest. It also wasn’t me projecting onto Katara. I didn’t really care to notice any major similarities between us until Book Three: Fire- Episode 7~ The Runaway. It was this exchange that changed Katara from my favorite character to someone I could heavily relate to.

Toph: [Sarcasically.] Oh really, Mom? Or what are you gonna do? Send me to my room?

Katara: I wish I could!

Toph: well you can’t! Because you’re not my mom, and you’re not their mom! [Extends her arm at Aang and Sokka, who are sitting on a ledge.]

Katara: I never said I was!

Toph: No, but you act like it! You think it’s your job to boss everyone around, but it’s not! You’re just a regular kid like the rest of us! Stop acting like you can tell me what to do! I can do whatever I want!

I remember bursting out laughing when I heard this. My brother asked me what was up and I paused it and explained that that was a lecture I revived so regularly when I was younger. It really really ended up messing me up. It’s not like I tried to mother anyone- it just happened. I wasn’t controlling it. I didn’t notice I was doing it and I got in trouble. Now things are different and I’ve embraced the fact that I am the designated Mum Freind. Still working on getting over being told off about it in therapy though. Anyway, I think you now can understand where I’m coming from with this “analysis.” Now I’m going to get into it (for real this time lol).

I think I’m going to start with the caregiver stuff. Katara’s mother died when she was very young. It was a very traumatic death. We can infer that Katara blamed herself for this death because the Southern Raiders were looking for the last waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe- her. That’s a lot for an 8 year old to try to process. Here’s the kicker: I don’t think she ever fully processed it until after Book 3: Fire- Episode 16~ The Southern Raiders. She almost immediately helped her grandmother take up the roll as the woman of the house. She probably didn’t feel like she had anyone to talk to about what she was feeling however true or false that’s what she most likely perceived this to be. When Hakoda leaves for war with all of the men of the tribe, Kanna might be the matriarch and help raise Sokka and Katara but even Sokka admits that Katara became a pseudo-mother for him. Taking care of others doesn’t leave a lot of time to deal with your own issues. Sometimes it feels easier to help others face their demons than face your own.

We continue to see Katara become the glue of the Gaang as the series progresses. She keeps them together in the Si Wong desert after Aang leaves her, Sokka, Toph, and Momo. She’s always the one cooking, cleaning, and mending not because she wants to, but because she knows no one else will do it and it needs to be done. We see her try to coax Toph into helping out around camp when she firsts joins the Gaang. It doesn’t work and this conflict continues for most of Book 2 and the beginning of Book 3. All of this time, she’s making it a point to take care of everyone. When the adults show up after the Boiling Rock, she’s still the one making the dinner and probably does a lot of the other chores as well (except for tea making- this will come into play later).

There’s a running joke about Katara being “Momtara” within the ATLA fandom (more the Zutaraians in the fandom than anything else but it’s a pretty well known concept). We continue to see this when the Gaang is on Ember Island. She brings them all drink during training sessions, watches said training sessions in case someone gets hurt and they need her, wrangles Sokka to the best of her ability, and just generally looks out for everyone regardless of age gap. It’s her natural instinct to be motherly. She retains this quality even after she finds Yon Rha. (Getting closure on her mother’s death doesn’t mean losing what had become a major personality trait).

Let’s unpack that now, shall we? Kya dies and Katara thinks it’s her fault. She doesn’t really talk to anyone about it. A few years later, Hakoda leaves to fight in the war. The Southern Water Tribe recives no letters or news about what happened to their warriors at all. Katara felt like she lost another parent. She nearly says as much during Book 3: Fire- Episode 1~ The Awakening.

Hakoda: You’re taking about me too, aren’t you?

Katara: How could you leave us, Dad? [She attempts to wipe away the tears.] I mean, I know we had Gran-Gran, and she loved us, but we were just so lost without you.

Hakoda moves to comfort her as she turns away.

Hakoda: I’m so sorry, Katara.

Katara: [Embraces Hakoda.] I understand why you left. I really do, and I know that you had to go, so why do I still feel this way? I’m so sad and angry and hurt!

The thing that sets off this exchange is Aang running away for the third time since Katara has known him (the fourth time in Aang’s lifetime). The other times he ran were when confronted by the rude fisherman in Book 1: Water- Episode 12~ The Storm, then again during Book 2: Earth- Episode 11~ The Desert. Aang has a, for lack of a better word, chronic running away problem. I’m not mad at him for it. It makes him an interesting character and shows that he too has flaws (even if they aren’t always addressed but that’s an issue with Bryke). When Aang flys away after waking up during 3.1, Katara is distraught.

Katara: He left.

Hakoda: What?

Katara: Aang. He just took his glider and disappeared. He has this ridiculous notion that he has to save the world alone, that it’s all his responsibility.

Hakoda: Maybe that’s his way of being brave.

Katara: Its not brave, it’s selfish and stupid! We could be helping him and I know the world needs him, but doesn’t he know how much we need him, too? How can he just leave us behind?

Katara feels abandoned by Aang. This is completely understandable. She has every right to be angry at him and feel sad that he flew away. He comes back every time but I feel like if I were in her position, as much as I’d hope my friend would come back and I’d tell everyone that I knew he would, I’d still be afraid that there was an off chance that he doesn’t. This is a natural human reaction to this situation. People were seemingly constantly fading in and out of Katara’s life and that just wasn’t good for her mental health. It couldn’t have been. This also raises the question of if someone has a very serious fear of abandonment, would it be healthy to be in a romantic relationship with someone who consistently leaves? Personally I don’t think so. Be friends? Sure. Date? I don’t know. It doesn’t quite sit right with me.

Katara probably feels abandoned by Zuko too. During the Book 2 Finale: Crossroads of Destiny, Katara and Zuko bond in the crystal catacombs under Ba Sing Se. They relate over their shared fear of being abandoned by those they love (yes I think Zuko has abandonment issues too- among other issues/fears). When he turns his back on her, she doesn’t live him (obviously). She has cared about him enough up to that point to offer to use what is arguably her most powerful possession to heal his scar. She cares. Because she cares about him then, she is downright livid when he betrays her. (Of course the difference between Zuko and Aang with this is Zuko leaves once and comes back and he doesn’t leave again. Aang leaves and comes back over and over and over again).

Katara: I thought you had changed!

Zuko: I have changed!

Katara carries the weight of his betrayal on her mind until she and Zuko go on their life changing field trip to confront the man who killed Katara’s mother. This was her time to finally get closure. She had probably had these feelings bottled up for 6 years and didn’t act on them. When she finally had the chance, her best friend and brother tried to stop her. She lashed out.

Katara: We’re going to find the man who took my mother from me.

Sokka pauses and stands up, surprised.

Zuko: Sokka told me the story of what happened. I know who did it and I know how to find him.

Aang: Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

Katara: [Shakes her head in dismay.] Ugh, I knew you wouldn’t understand. [Begins to walk away.]

Aang: Wait! Stop! I do understand. You’re feeling unbelievable pain and rage. How do you think I felt about the sandbenders when they stole Appa? How do you think I felt about the Fire Nation when I found out what happened to my people?

Zuko: She needs this, Aang. This is about getting closure and justice.

Aang: I don’t think so. I think this is about getting revenge.

Katara: [Angrily.] Fine, maybe it is! Maybe it’s what he deserves!

Aang: Katara, you sound like Jet.

Katara: Its not the same! Jet attacked the innocent. This man, he’s a monster.

Sokka: Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.

Katara: Then you didn’t love her the way I did!

Sokka: [Hurt.] Katara!

Katara gets a lot of flack for this interaction. She says Sokka didn’t love their mother like she did and Sokka I’d understandably hurt. It doesn’t excuse what she said, but people do lash out when they are feeling a lot of emotions and they get defensive when they feel like they’re being ganged up on or attacked (I myself am guilty of this sort of thing). What Katara said was wrong but I have no doubt in my mind that she didn’t apologize to Sokka when he and the rest of the Gaang arrive on Ember Island later in the episode. She is seen walking over to him after she hugs Zuko.

Zuko and Katara go after Yon Rha anyway. For once in her life, Katara is feeling emotions and no one is trying to get her to stop or to push them aside. She doesn’t have to be constantly taking care of someone so she can focus on herself. Katara trusts Zuko more than I think she realizes. I mean she trusts him with a lot and he follows through on a lot of unspoken/subconscious agreements and promises.

Zuko is looking out for her. Zuko has her back. Zuko is allowing her to feel all of these emotions and work them out of her own accord. Zuko isn’t telling her to feel one way or another. Zuko isn’t going to judge her for whatever she decides to do when they find Yon Rha or what she does in order for them to get to that point. Zuko ensures she gets the closure she feels she needs.

When he sees her bloodbend, he’s surprised, but he isn’t appalled. When he thinks she’s going to run Yon Rha through with a giant shard of ice, he doesn’t try to stop her. He lets her be her. He sees a dark side of her in a way that no one else in the Gaang has seen. It’s strangely intimate. Clearly it has enough of an impact to make her forgive him. She knows he isn’t going to abandon betray her and her friend again.

Once they become friends, and even before that, Zuko starts to help out with small things here and there. We see him making tea for all of the kids at dinner. He tells jokes to make them laugh. He teaches Aang firebending. He goes with Sokka to the Boiling Rock to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed or in a prison cell for the rest of his life. With all of this, “Dadko” is born.

If you strip away Zuko’s anger, he just becomes the awkward-turtleduck-first-time-father that we all know and love. There’s more balance in the Gaang with him there to help and become an “authority” figure with Katara. They become the parents of the other members of the Gaang. It’s an interesting shift in their relationship- enemies to unsteady acquaintances to enemies to frenemies to friends. They’re close enough that they show small signs of physical intimacy and they tease each other.

Also if you look close enough when the Gaang walks into the “seedy Earth Kingdom tavern,” Zuko and Katara appear to be holding hands and are near each other from then until the finale episodes. They are clearly just great friends by the end of the show. I mean Zuko also takes a bolt of lightning to the chest for her...

Zuko doesn’t leave when his life gets difficult- not after he joins the Gaang. He made that mistake once and he won’t make it again. Aang was always part of the Gaang but continued to leave (again, I’m not mad at him for it but he never seems to realize the effect it has on the people around him- especially Katara). Zuko also doesn’t all but forget Katara and continue to run around the world. When Zuko fully decides to stick around, you best believe he is sticking around.

This works really well for Zutara. They’re both each other’s rock. They support each other and help each other in times of trouble. Do they argue? Yes. Is that a normal part of a healthy relationship- romantic or otherwise? Yes. Do they take care of and look out for each other while also not smothering or suffocating each other? Yes. I don’t know about you but this sounds stable and healthy to me. They balance each other out so well (I’m not going to get too into that because if you’re reading this you probably already know with the whole Tui and La, Yin and Yang, Oma and Shu thing).

Now, this is a big deal for me and it makes me furious, but Katara is forgotten by history. She has no statue. She is reduced to a housewife and healer- things our wonderful water feminist was afraid of becoming as an adult. I mean this girl

This girl

THIS GIRL

She becomes nothing but a housewife stuck in a healing hut who gets forgotten by the world and left behind by her family just... let’s all of that happen? Yeah that’s pretty unrealistic. I think about this frequently and with starting TLOK I have formed even more opinions and have a little thingy (I don’t know what to call it) for what happened to her.

Kya II is everything Teenage Katara wanted to do and be before settling down. Old Katara is everything Teenage Katara was so afraid of become reduced to/becoming.

It’s an interesting way to think about it and I thought I’d share. Now if Katara was Fire Lady, she wouldn’t end up like that. She’d have the power to change the world and continue to fight for what she believed in. She could have helped with the trail with Yakone. Katara has so much potential to not be forgotten or brushed aside and somehow it happened. It makes me so sad. The potential Zutara had to make sure Katara had a genuine legacy was right there at their finger tips and they didn’t use it. What a shame. What a shame.

With all of the things I’ve talked about, I just feel like Zutara would have been better for Katara than Kataang was. I think that’s more Bryke not developing the relationship well enough and instead choosing to be sloppy and selfish in the way they structured the relationship. Yeah this is my rambling on about the issue. Hope it was mildly entertaining! If you want me to write something about how Zuko would have benefited from Zutara, let me know!

[popsiclemania]

My 2020 in K dramas (+1 J drama)

I began watching k-dramas in 2018 but I’ve never watched as many shows, Korean or otherwise, as I have in this one. 2020 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I think what helps me really enjoy this over Bollywood+Malayalam+ American pop culture I grew up with is that a smirk on the wrong character’s face doesn’t make me seethe with rage and want to burn everything down. It’s not like growing up with SRK on screen and then having SRK wannabes leave you with lifelong trauma in reality. I can just move on. It’s removed enough from my everyday life but still familiar in a generic Asian family way. Does that make sense? It’s not perfect and it’s not free of its own harmful stereotypes and narratives, but there’s enough of the good stuff to make you stick around. This year I fell in love with Nana, Kim Hye Soo, Han Yeri, Park Eun bin, Ahn Eun jin, Kim Bum, Kim Yong ji, Flower Boy’s Go Dok Mi and Search:WWW’s Bae Tami. Cancelled Ji Chang wook (bye). Desperately missed Kim Jae Wook. Had thoughts on Hwang In Yeop, which were mostly heart eyes. Discovered J dramas and fell in love with Cherry Magic’s Adachi.

My year-in-review below:

LOVED

Into The Ring - I am so glad I saved this for a rainy day because it’s exactly the kind of upright citizen shenanigans my unemployed ass needed at the end of the year.

Goo Se Ra thinks the govt should work for the people but that doesn’t mean her own moral compass always points north. Her purpose is to make steady money, and I love seeing her go hard to survive and cobble together what she needs. The thing that really works for me is that she wants to be good, but she isn’t always. And you get to see her be disappointed, upset, embarrassed and hurt from being publicly kicked in the gut as she navigates a job where she appears, on the surface, to be a supremely confident, self-serving, accidental politician. What you see as her naiveté is mostly just her being a regular person in an environment dictated by backhand deals and rich people politics. She gets hit again and again, and you see what it does to her sense of worth to get back up again, how she grapples with her self. And through all this the show is funny?! Se Ra is what writers of manic pixie characters think they are doing and not doing at all. Love her friends, and Jang Hye-jin is *chef’s kiss*!

Hyena - Kim Hye Soo’s Jung Geum Ja is perhaps Se Ra’s older and darker contemporary.  Geum Ja is a survivor and will get what she wants and where she wants to, however many hells she has to cross. She’s single-minded about her success, ruthless and has no qualms about bending morals to get the outcome she needs. She’ll never compromise on who she is or justify how she lives, can build people up and also tear them down, but she also knows care and kindness.

I turned to Signal for more Kim Hye Soo but was disappointed in how the first few episodes seemed to shortchange her. May try again in 2021.

(Highly recommend @saltr0se​’s  fic series which just GETS Geum Ja so well. Fic writers are the best)

Search: WWW (Finished in 2020) - It took me half a year to finish this. I started watching Search in Oct 2019 and raced through the first 6 episodes because I couldn’t take my eyes off the rollercoaster of Bae Tami’s life. And then I had to take a break because it was a little too close to the frenetic pace of my own industry. As @drivingsideways wrote, a lot of Search is premised around ‘patriarchy? who dat?’, which is why watching its politics play out is so fascinating.  It’s also deliciously turmoil-y to watch a very clear-sighted, weathered Tami put on rose-tinted glasses for her romance and then frequently peer over them to evaluate whether it could actually meld into her life.

Catch The Ghost - Kim Seonho oozes charm and perhaps Startup was a showcase of how effectively he can be a typical male lead. But Catch is exactly not that. Go Jiseok and Yoo Ryeong have moulded their lives around to meet their most desperate wishes in life and in the process also left parts of themselves untended. There is guilt, pain and need. Now guess who will tend to whose wounds? Their dynamic is electric even when the central mystery flags towards the last few episodes of the show. I really hope Moon Geun Young is doing well and gets more amazing roles soon. She is so good here.

(Highly recommend @melonatures​‘s fic for putting that sizzling on-screen chemistry into words. HOW?!) Cherry Magic - Stories about painfully awkward people are my jam and Eiji Akaso gets Adachi’s shy, nervy energy so right. Cherry Magic is straight up just 12 hours of 🥺🥺🥺. 

Stranger/Secret Forest - I’ve been devouring the entirety of Agatha Christie’s work this year after Stranger reminded me how comforting murder mysteries can be. I love Bae Doona. I also love characters who don’t get social norms, not always because they are out to flout them but because that’s just not how their mind/brain works. (have to watch S2)

Flower Boy Next Door -  Honestly, the opening scene introducing Park Shin Hye’s character Go Deok Mi sold me on this immediately. An introverted, penny pinching copy editor living alone and working from home thanks to extreme social anxiety? Love. All the side characters are a lot of fun and I’ve never loved Kim Seulgi and Go Kyung Pyo more. It’s a warm show, slowly rounding off the sharp edges of every character.

JUST FUN

The Spies Who Loved Me -  It’s been a year of disappointing rom-coms and Spies kind of quietly turned it around for me. I want to be the fly on Yoo In Na’s wall as she figures how to play her characters. I’ve only seen her in 3 roles but somehow she always manages to be in character arcs that don’t short change her. Spies could’ve been and sometimes is the regular heterosexual fare, but In Na ups the ante over and over again, coming out on top as the smartest person in the room.

ENJOYED WITH *RESERVATIONS*

I have to watch A Piece Of Your Mind again because I don’t understand how Jung Hae In and Chae Soo bin built SO MUCH warmth and crackling chemistry with barely a kiss. I was iffy about how the whole AI thing started off and the tortured musician plotline (angsty male artists will forever be an eyeroll for me).

Park Min Young is a queen who never disappoints and When The Weather Is Nice is everything you want in a winter romance. My reservation was in how they explore so much of domestic abuse and the complex ways its traumatised the women in this family. I’m ok with the characters having imperfect ways of processing and understanding the violence, I welcome it. I’m not ok with the show dancing around whether the pivotal crime was justified/ self defence (it was).

A lot of dramas did this. I loved Han Yeri and Choo Ja Hyun in My Unfamiliar Family, I didn’t like the free pass the show gave their dad’s abusive character. 

Hwang Jung Eum’s comedy style is generally not my thing but she was pretty great in Mystic Pop-UP Bar. But I’m side-eyeing the sanctity surrounding motherhood. Maybe I should read more about babies and Korean folklore.

Hospital Playlist was my comfort watch through June and July. I think its wholesomeness and non-plot writing came at a good time for me. But I noticed then that the throughline for all main characters was moral superiority and hence what I then saw as *wholesomeness*. It’s kind of what makes it a grating rewatch in parts. Plus the real life of misogyny of Yoo Yeon Seok makes me want to push his angelic catholic character off a cliff. (For context, i was raised catholic). I want to continue loving Chae Song Hwa, and for that the showrunners need to stop cornering her with overbearing romantic interests (let that woman breathe! she literally ran away to another city!) 

Hospital is good at creating moments of comfort, so much so that I went to watch Reply 1988 after it, but had to drop it coz I couldn’t get into it. Maybe I’ll come back to it next year.

Once Again is what I call joint family propaganda. What it does well is lay bare the mechanics of living in a society that prizes the heterosexual family structure, the loops you have to jump through to hide when you break its rules and what happens when you are found out. I love the characters, their fights, their frustrations. I just don’t love the validation of joint families. (context: i grew up in an oppressive joint family lol). In my au, Nahee and Gyujin don’t get married again or immediately have children, but take the long route to figuring out how to love the person the other is. Gahee is openly dating Hyo shin and her parents have to figure out how to process her success and her romance. Young dal and Ok boon have to learn to stop dictating their children’s lives.  Joon sun runs his company from home, so his wife Hyun kyung can work on what she wants. Choyeon, Joori and Ga-yeon go back to being flamboyant AF and the market learns to not judge. Gyujin and Jaesok have to actually work on the relationship with their mother and what sent her into depression. Just a lot of learning involved.

Just Between Lovers was a nice watch, i just don’t get how Kang doo and Ha Moon So’s relationship will survive his constantly simmering anger. 

Crash Landing on You was so much fun until the main romance turned angsty, but it gave us North Korean soldier shenanigans and the epic romance of Seo Dan and Alberto Gu that we needed more of.

Tale of The Nine Tailed is probably what Goblin wished it was. I, however, will never be over Lee Rang. (Also, when can gods stop meeting their love interests as babies? Asking for my sanity)

I literally ignored everything in Oh My Ghost except Park Bo Young and Kim Seulgi and it was amazing. 

NOPE

Goblin, Dinner Mate, Oh My Baby and My Secret Romance were a whole lot of NO, NAHI, ILLAAA. 

I loved hate-watching The King:Eternal Monarch with the rest of k drama tumblr but someone please take away Kim Eun-sook’s access to gigantic budgets and all-star casts.

It was painful to watch Do You Like Brahms squander away its potential but I’m glad to be introduced to Park Eun bin. Age of Youth is next on watchlist.

More than Friends to me is only Ahn Eun jin. Someone give her amazing lead roles asap.

Why did Record of Youth do that to Park So Dam and her clothes? Just why

WANTED TO WATCH, BUT COULDN’T BECAUSE *INTENSE* 

World Of The Married, It’s Okay Not To Be Okay, Sweet Home, Extracurricular, Penthouse, Flower of Evil, Lie After Lie

WILL WATCH NEXT YEAR

SF8, Stove League, Birth Care Centre but I’ll start the new year with School Nurse Files coz it looks very good.

[thirsty-x1]

Five Is Better Than None | Hyung Line

Request(s):

I don't know if this is too much or over the edge or something, but I have been having this is in mind for a while and I would love if someone actually wrote it 😳 So I was wondering, if I could request a smut with all from the hyung line? Where they invited Y/N aka their best friend over for a little chill hang out at one of their places and they play truth or dare where it gets a heated and yeah ... they fuck. That's it THAT'S IT, im sorry if it's a little too much! Thanks in advance tho! 💕 

Can you write something about being gangbanged by X1’s hyungline?

I am a-ok with multiple members! Worry not! I’ve been meaning to write about all of them together because, I mean, please yes

↬ Pairing: hyung line x fem!reader

↬ Genre: Smut

↬ Warnings: explicit language, mention of alcohol, multiple members, masturbation, oral sex, orgasm denial, overstimulation, double penetration, unprotected sex.

↬ Word Count: 2.1k

↬ Author’s Note: The gif doesn’t suit at all but it was the only with all of Hyung Line in it lmao.

You were walking around, lost in your own thoughts when someone called you. Turning around to try and find the voice, you encounter with a smiley Seungyoun running towards you. He gave you a short hug before talking to you again.

“Long time no see!” As he greeted you, Wooseok and Seungwoo came into sight.

“Yeah, it has been a few weeks. Where were you going?” Seeing the three of them hanging out, maybe there was some kind of big event.

“Oh, we were just going to have a meet up with Yohan and Hangyul.” Wooseok signaled the bag he was holding, the alcohol bottles in it clinking.

“Do you want to come with us?” Seungwoo’s voice was soft and gentle as he invited you.

“Oh no, it’s something between you–”

Before you could even finish, Seungyoun was already putting his arm around your shoulders and making you walk their way. It’s not like there was anything more important you had to do... Well, there was nothing to do, really, so maybe spending time with them wasn’t a bad idea. You had met Yohan and Hangyul first and then slowly ended up becoming friends with the rest of the group, your relationship with them being close since they all were quite extroverted and open when it came to meeting new people.

As you got in and left your bag on one of the chairs, Hangyul and Yohan popped up to say hi. It wasn’t long until all of you were sitting in the floor, it being more comfortable when there was too many people, drinking and eating what the guys had bought earlier. Seungyoun suggested playing truth or dare, everyone choosing dare most of the times, them being usual stuff like doing the dishes, cleaning the apartment, paying for food or drinks, asking for pizza, all quite regular stuff.

“Truth or dare?” Yohan asked, the bottle deciding it was your turn.

“Truth.”

“Would you kiss any of us right now?” Hangyul’s question took you by surprise.

“Yes.” It seems that your quick response caused the same effect on them.

“Wait, really? Who?” Seungwoo looked curious all of a sudden, and you shook your head laughing.

“Just one question per turn! You cheaters~” They all sighed but continued the game.

“Fine, fine, Wooseok, truth or dare?”

“Dare, obviously.”

“Kiss the prettiest girl in the room in the lips, and notice I said girl and not person because lets face it, I would smoke all of you.” Seungyoun tried to lighten up the atmosphere with some bad acting, but you still tensed up and Wooseok too, but just for a second.

He got closer to you, silently asking for permission which you granted before softly pressing his lips on yours. It was just a dare anyway and it was the usual thing to happen, so there was nothing else to it, besides you were all friends so it was fine, right? However, the ephemeral contact made your heart flutter and you didn’t get to enjoy it, everything finishing way too fast. The bottle spun again and landed on Yohan.

“I choose truth.”

“Have you ever fantasized with any of us?” Hangyul was having fun making all the awkward questions, it even seemed as if there was an implicit pact between him and Seungyoun to do so. Yohan looked at you for a few seconds before a blush spread on his cheeks.

“W-Well... Yes?” You laughed at his shyness before getting attacked by the same question again. Since truth had turn out to be slightly strange...

“Guess I’ll have to go with dare.”

“Make out with one of us, it’s up to you who you want it to be.” This time Seungyoun spoke and it was your turn to blush. “We are all fine with it, so, go ahead.”

Even if it was a game, you felt nervous. Who would be the best choice? What if any of them felt hurt? It probably wasn’t that deep, but still. All of them were staring at you, waiting for your decision, all of them except Seungwoo. Right, he was the best choice: he was the oldest, mature enough to not take it seriously... You crawled until being right in front of him, his eyes suddenly looking up, giving you a soft smile before letting you sit on his lap, wasting no time. You thought the kiss was going to be sweet and slow, just like the side he always showed you, but instead it turned out to be greedy and passionate, the temperature raising between you two before he pressed you down on him, his hard on making you let out a sigh.

You felt someone sneaking behind you, whispering in your ear the question again, your focus wavering at the feeling of another pair of hands on your waist, muttering a slight ‘truth’.

“Would you let all of us fuck you?” A whimper escaped your lips, not even trying to concentrate on who asked before you nodded, not finding a good reason to lie since the thought had crossed your mind more than once.

That was all they needed. Seungyoun lifted you up and turned you around, your back now being against Seungwoo’s chest and your lips being attacked by Hangyul whilst Yohan roamed your body with his hands. You could feel long fingers rub your core over your clothes, the touch making you jolt before realizing that it belonged to Seungwoo.

“You seem to be quite greedy for this.” You turned your head towards the voice, finding Wooseok palming himself over his pants as he looked down on you. As you were about to answer, the fingers between your legs slipped under your clothes, causing you to throw your head back.

“She is getting wet already...” The boy behind you attached his lips to your neck as he started fingering you slowly.

Yohan gave a slight tug to the bottom of your shirt before pulling it up and off, doing the same with your bra, the five of them letting out heavy grunts at the sight of your breasts. Two mouths started licking, sucking and biting them softly, Seungwoo’s fingers being too distracting for you to be able to focus on anything else. You felt a strong grip in your hair, opening your eyes to meet with Hangyul’s cock, his order being clear enough. You sucked on his tip, hearing a hiss that encouraged you to engulf his whole length, Wooseok hand coming to the back of your head to push you further down until you gagged, the younger bucking his hips instinctively before pulling out, just like the fingers that were inside you.

Seungyoun came closer, sucking on the juices you had left on Seungwoo’s hand, the view making you whine before he took off your bottoms, leaving you completely naked to all of their hungry eyes. He laid you down on the floor, your back arching at both the cold surface and at him going down on you, not even asking before licking a stripe up your folds, humming at your taste. Your moans filled the room along with the noise of them stroking their cocks, your hands flying to Seungyoun’s hair as he sucked on your clit, your orgasm approaching and dissolving as he detached his mouth from you. There was no time for complaining as he gently pulled you up and made you straddle Yohan’s face who was laying in the floor next to you, his tongue wasting no time in tasting you as Seungwoo took place in your mouth, the precum spreading on your taste buds. Seungyoun and Wooseok grabbed your hands, making you stroke their hard members, your hands gripping them tightly whenever Seungwoo touched the back of your throat, Yohan slipped his tongue inside of you or Hangyul pinched your nipples.

Again, your orgasm was near and all the contact faded away immediately before the eldest picked you up as if you weighed nothing at took you to the room, placing your body on the bed, your cries making him smirk. Soon they were all surrounding you but without touching you.

“Who do you want to take first, baby?” Hangyul was the first to talk. You couldn’t care less, you just wanted any of them to fill you up once and for all.

“Wooseok.” He would let you cum, you were almost sure of it, even if it was just to brag about it to the rest.

As he placed behind you, indicating you to put in all fours, Seungyoun brought Yohan right in front of you, his red face matching his red tip.

“Yohanie has confessed that he always fantasized about you sucking him off, will you make it come true?” The tone he was using was soft yet demanding at the same time, a proud smile on his face as you nodded.

You slid your tongue on the underside of his shaft, Yohan trembling at the feeling, your lips closing around his head before bobbing your head up and down, hollowing your cheeks. The rest were watching you intently, making you feel even more aroused, Wooseok rubbing his cock on your slit before entering you roughly, causing you to choke around Yohan. His thrusts were short and quick, your orgasm building up in seconds, and just how you had predicted, he let you cum, his hand stimulating your clit fast. Yohan fucked your mouth before letting out a small whimper, pulling out and cumming on your face and chest, his eyes opening wide as he tried to apologize. Your scream cut him off as Wooseok buried deep within you, painting your walls and unleashing your high. As he got out of you, his semen dripped down your legs, the sight being enough for Seungwoo to come up, lay down and grabbing your hips, impaling you with his cock all of a sudden, the overstimulation making you cry.

“Can you take me in this pretty hole, slut?” Hangyul picked up some of Wooseok’s cum and spread it on your asshole before slipping a finger inside, a hard spank falling on your ass cheek. “Answer me.”

“Y-Yes, yes, please.” He seemed pleased with your reply, sliding another finger inside you and stretching you out as Seungwoo lazily bucked into you.

After a few minutes, you felt his tip pressing against your unoccupied hole, the stretch burning slightly, Seungwoo caressing your back as if to encourage you, until both were deep inside of you. Hangyul waited a bit for you to get used to it, drawing small circles on your back before you nodded and he moved along with the older, the sensation making you feel as if you were about to break.

“So fucking tight... How long have you been dreaming of this, huh?” It surprised you that Seungwoo was the one talking, his voice low. “You love to have all of us just for you.”

“Fuck, she just clenched so much.” Hangyul gripped your hair and yanked it, pressing your back against his chest, giving Seungwoo the best eye candy ever: your neck and chest filled with hickeys, Yohan’s cum dripping down your breasts and stomach, his cock coming in and out as you moved your hips to fuck yourself. “Such a needy whore...” 

With a grunt, he came, staying still for a second before pulling out, spreading your cheeks open to see his cum dripping into Seungwoo’s cock. It wasn’t long until there was a new weight on the bed, soft arms holding you tightly, the scent being easily recognizable.

“I want to fuck your cunt sweetheart, will you let me and Seungwoo both ruin you?” Seungyoun’s words made it impossible for you to resist, plus your second orgasm was close enough to drive you crazy. As you nodded, he kissed your shoulder, his length joining Seungwoo’s. “Such a good girl for me, taking two cocks in this pussy so well...”

The praising mixed with the dirty words had you melting, both fucking you quickly, stretching you to no avail, Seungwoo being the first to cum with a choked out moan, getting overstimulated by you tightening on him and Seungyoun thrusting against him, his hand coming to rub your clit, both cumming at the same time.

You hadn’t noticed that the rest of the boys had already dressed themselves up again and they were all prepared to take care of you, towels in hand to clean you and a new set of clothes, the contrast between their actions before and now making you laugh. A few minutes later, you were all in the living room again, watching a movie as if nothing had happened. Wooseok accompanied you to the door as you were about to go.

“We should meet up more often, there are more things we can try.” The suggestive promise in his words was subtle enough for you to take it any way you wanted.

“I might take you up on that... Five is better than none.”

THIS IS SUCH A MESS but a hot one at least. Finished abruptly because I didn’t want it to be too unrealistic??? Might edit it in the future tho. Also did y’all notice I always end up the shots with the title sjsjsj sO oRiGiNaL

~Nani

unedited

[ngame989]

SVTFOE: A Retrospective

Happy Mama Star Day!

OK, first and foremost, a quick update on TGG: I plan to have something ready for at least one of the major anniversaries coming up, and hopefully will resume slightly more regular updates from then forward. Thanks to everyone for your continued support, it’s been a rough year so far for me personally and for everyone in in the current pandemic situation. The anniversary of both STH and Mama Star seemed like a fitting time to get some things off my chest, both good and bad, so I’ll do that now and get it out of the way to focus on bigger and better things in the future. Fair warning, this is gonna be long and rambly and personal more than it is any sort of serious show analysis. If you’re looking for fun, feel-good celebration of what definitely were some of my favorite moments in the series, I’m not so sure this is gonna be the post for you.

It goes without saying that Star vs the Forces of Evil, for better or worse, is incredibly important to me and has been without fail for years. How are you supposed to feel when something that important lets you down so hard? Is having such strong, mixed emotions and attachment better than having nothing you care about at all? The past year hasn’t answered these questions for me, and this post certainly won’t either. There’s no thesis or likely any kind of closure here, just me baring a bit of my soul here on tumblr dot com.

It’s been a rough year or two for me. I don’t want to get too much into the specifics, but let’s just say I hit a crossroads where the entire path I’d envisioned for myself in life came into serious question, and I had been spiraling into depression and paralyzing anxiety over a complete lack of any fulfillment in my “professional” life for months before I even recognized it for what it was. Season 3 finished airing around the last few months of my undergraduate degree, which (while obviously it significantly emotionally impacted me) was a generally happy and stable time in my life. As things started to change and get worse for me, SVTFOE S4 was my ray of hope. I’m not kidding when I say that some days in the hiatus leading up to it, the thought of S4 delivering on its potential for emotional fulfillment and Starco goodness (consistently, not just at the end) was the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning and the only positive thing I could see in my future. 

When we got the S4 we got, it shattered me, utterly and completely. This isn’t an attempt to dunk on S4 in some “objective” manner - hell, I even like a lot of the things about it that the fandom despises (the ending prioritizing character closure over lore, the upheaval of the political structure rather than just having Star become the Goodest Queen, etc). I’d still make the argument that a lot of the character development was very flimsy and poorly paced, a very clear effort to force the relationship resolution to be delayed until the end at all costs, but that’s not the point here. Life felt dull and lonely and warm fluffy Starco was my vicarious escape from that, and the season we got left me so completely hollow insid that it felt like I couldn’t breathe for its first more-than-a-dozen episodes, and I was so burnt out that I couldn’t even properly enjoy the parts that were genuinely good.

Even earlyish on, I was already fearing that things wouldn’t be resolved till the end and that there’d be almost none of the content I actually longed for from the show. As I’ve mentioned before, The Greatest Gift was born the morning after Lake House Fever’s late night release, out of salt and spite and a need to give myself something good to look forward to, even if it would be something I’d be making myself. I completely removed myself from even passing conversations with my best friends in the fandom because it hurt too much to even think about. I even had Seddm give me summaries of episodes before I watched them so I could take some time to emotionally prepare (at least until the 2nd to last week). And to the show’s credit, its last few weeks of episodes (with some exceptions) tried their absolute damnedest to right the ship (pun intended) and bring back the sorts of things I wanted with a vengeance. I was smiling like a complete fool for 12 hours straight after Here to Help. The ending didn’t fix my issues with the show, not by a fucking long shot, but it at least left me on a positive enough note that there was a feverish enthusiasm to continue it further on my own.

But it’s been tough. Have you or a family member/friend ever gotten bad food poisoning from a restaurant you really liked, and the smell of it makes you queasy afterwards even though you do really like it? That’s probably the best analogy I can draw to a lot of my relationship with SVTFOE since it ended. PLEASE NOTE I’M IN NO WAY TRYING TO EQUATE THE MAGNITUDE OF MY IRE WITH A CARTOON WITH SERIOUS DISORDERS THAT PEOPLE SUFFER FROM, but I’d almost be tempted to liken it to PTSD. Seeing reminders of the painful parts can put me in a bad mood for hours, and on some days even just dwelling on the show in any way will invite creeping negativity and “why the fuck couldn’t it have just-” types of thoughts taking over. There have been some days writing TGG where having to draw inspiration from or reference events/dialogues in S4 was so emotionally taxing that I had to stop writing for the night. I blocked Seddm’s entire askbox tag because I’d find my own emotions frothing into a rage over things in the show people would bring up. I’ve lost acquaintances and potential friendships over my bitterness. I instantly block anyone who posts even a hint of Tomstar/Kellco content in the Starco tags on any site because it induces such palpable negativity in my heart - I think I’m up to 1000 accounts blocked on Instagram right now, which is why Toxic runs the TGG page over there. If you’re one of the people out there that tried to strike up a conversation with me over a shared interest in the show and I vomited bile into your DMs, I sincerely apologize. And to anyone who got wrapped up in the brazen high hopes I put forth here every day as S4 approached and came crashing down with me as a result, I’m sorry for that too.

And yet... I can’t say there’s not a genuine love I still have for a lot of it. I still have my little shrine of stickers and pictures that I’ll sometimes just get let myself get lost in. There was a recent postcanon fic started by someone who just caught up on the show that brought such a depth of warmth into my chest that I’m smiling like an idiot just now thinking about it. I haven’t watched even a clip (let alone a whole episode) that Star and Marco’s voices in my head feel distant and abstract, but when I’m writing chapters I can still get emotional imagining them saying and doing things out of their devotion to one another. I’ve made no secret that I (to put it very very very lightly) have a strong distaste for the vast majority of this fandom, and yet the joy of knowing I could make people’s days or lives brighter gives me a satisfaction I can’t put words to. Don’t get me wrong, writing quickly just isn’t my thing normally anyway - I’m not trying to suggest that the sole reason for TGG downtime is that I’m driving knives into my own heart and pouring my blood onto the page. Just that that’s part of it, and it takes its toll. 

The last few months, although I have missed the joy of brewing up fluff ideas and seeing them come to life, have admittedly been a welcome reprieve just not having to think about this stuff so much. In the last few weeks I’ve finally been coming around to a bit of a better place where the good bubbles up without bringing as much of the bad with it. It will likely still wax and wane, and I can’t guarantee if or when TGG will fully finish. And this isn’t my entire life - I have MMOs and card games and all kinds of other hobbies that suck up lots of my time, so don’t worry about me just lying in bed sobbing over S4 for 12 hours a day. I don’t know if the day will ever come when I can truly be at peace with it all, but I don’t want to toss out the good with the bad. All I can ask is for your patience as my own journey evolves alongside my writing, until the day comes when perhaps this story can finally come to a close. Thanks for reading, and stay safe.

Ngame

[fahhhhq]

Similar but Worlds Apart: Part 4

Fandom: Narcos + Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Pairing: Javier Peña x Fem Reader

WaRnInGs: Cursing.

Summary: Your heart aches for someone who no one has seen for weeks, but when you get new intel about their whereabouts, you’re stunned by what you find in Colombia.

If you’re new here, start hereee: Part uno, Part kinda dos, Part tres.

Note: Shit is going to start going down in this bitch starting next part. And I’ll post them more together since we’re all under lockdown, so timey off = more timey to writey.  Hope You enjoy, xoxo

When you and Javier got to the restaurant, the same lady that had tended to you the last time, just looked at you and Javier with a questioning look. She was confused when she sat you two down in the same table.

“So, what do you recommend this time, Mr. Peña?” you ask as you skim the menu, feeling yourself starving by the second.

You peak up from your menu and he has a small smile on his face, “I pretty much always get the sancocho or the arepas.”

You put the menu down, “I’ll get the arepas since I got the sancocho last time.”

He smiles, “Then I’ll get the same as you.”

“Or am I getting the same as you?” you question.

Javier chuckles and waves over lady. He tells her what we want and orders two beers, too.

You cross your hands and lean against the table. You just stare at him and look at the likeness he has with Jack. Wishing it was Jack there with you eating arepas, but at the same time, you're enjoying Javier’s company.

“So, where are you from?” You ask, trying to pry as much information out of him about his background, as possible.

He smiles, opens the beers that the lady laid on the table, hands one to me, takes a swig from his and then says, “Kingsville, Texas, you?”

You take a drink from your beer and love the way the bubbles and the bitterness graze your throat, “God, that’s a good beer,” you say then laugh. He laughs too and his eyes squint, which makes you feel weak in the knees. “I’m from Southern California, moved a lot, so there’s no specific place.”

“Oh, were your parents in the military?”

“Something like that,” you fake a smile.

He nods, “Ah…”

You take a bigger swig of your beer this time, “Yeah…so do you have siblings?”

“No, just a lot of cousins. And you?” Oh, interesting… you think to yourself.

You shake your head, “No, just me, too. I’d be cool if I had a sibling, though, I wouldn’t be alone.” Shit, you don’t know where that came from, you just shake your head and try to reiterate, “I mean, I wouldn’t have to deal with my parents alone.” You laugh it off.

Javier smiles, “I get it, trust me. I always wanted a brother to do crazy things with, or to fight with. I always got in trouble and I wish I had someone to blame.”

“Oh, that would have been fun! I always got in trouble when I was a kid, so I would just deny, deny, deny,” you laugh.

“And Im guessing your parents never fell for it?” he raises a brow.

“Hey, I can be a good actress…but no, they never fell for it,” you pout, but you notice the way he stares at your lips, like Jack did so many times and then would kiss you and leave you breathless. And you were positive Javier would leave you the same way.

Your food arrives and you both enjoy your arepas in comfortable silence. Every once in a while, you both agree on how good the arepas are and then other times you guys just people watch quietly.

“You OK?” you ask Javier. “We don’t know each other that well but you seem quieter than you normally would be.”

He just smiles and stares down at his food, “Work stuff got me stressed.”

You can’t help but to feel sorry and worried for him, “I mean, you work for the DEA in a country that is consumed by drugs and drug cartels, I would be fucking stressed, too.”

He laughs and his eyes shrink, “Yeah, well I mean you work for a super-secret spy agency, so you must know how it is to deal with assholes like the ones I deal with.”

“Exactly,” you exclaim. “So, is your stress the kind you want to talk about and get it all out or is the kind of stress where you just don’t want to talk about at all?”

Javier chugs the whole beer, “I’m not a huge talker. Especially about work.”

“Ok, so what do you want to talk about?” you ask.

He takes the last bite of his dinner and puts it to the side. He orders two more beers and looks at you, “What are you really doing in Colombia?”

Your heart skips a beat. His question catches you off guard, but you decide to be honest, “I’m looking for my partner. He went missing three weeks ago.”

Javier looks at you curiously, “Your partner? You mean from the super-secret spy agency?”

You chuckled lightly, “Yep.”

He narrows his eyes, “You really don’t want to tell me what you're doing in Colombia?”

You laugh some more and drink the rest of your beer then open the new one, “You don’t trust a lot of people, do you?”

“Not really. Its what I’ve trained for my whole adult life.”

“That must be tiresome, to be on guard all the time, wondering if they have bad intentions.”

His eyebrows burrow, “A lot of people have a lot to hide. Its my job to uncover whatever it is they’re hiding.”

“Did you ever think that maybe people aren’t as bad as you make them out to be. That maybe they’re not hiding any bad intentions, and are actually being honest?”

He grabs his beer and avoids your stare. It looks like he’s thinking over what you said. “In my experience, everyone I've met has had something to hide. Maybe its not as bad as the previous, but they still surprise me.”

“Not everyone has something hiding under their sleeves, bud. Maybe if you’d trust more people, you wouldn’t have to be a ho who sleeps with random girls because you can’t trust someone long enough to have a serious relationship with,” you say. And yeah, it might seem like you're being a hypocrite, but when did you lie? Until that moment, you had been honest about your job and why you were being in Colombia, except for the fact that the person who was missing had a damn twin, but you couldn’t control that fact.

Javier seems to be taken back by your statement. He lifts his eyebrows in surprise and chugs the rest of his beer with purpose.

You reach over the table and grab his hand, he’s surprised by your action, “I’m not lying, everything I told you about why I’m here is true. You can trust me.”

He rolls his eyes, still serious, “Fine, but I don’t like that you called me a ho.”

You laugh, “You are though, I know one when I see one.”

He chuckles, drinking the rest of his second beer, “Whatever.” He motions for another beer to a waitress. “So, what happened to this partner of yours?”

You think to yourself; you mean your twin brother who even has the same moustache?

You finish the rest of your beer and then you realize that if guys continue to drink the way that you are, you're going to spill the beans about Jack. But at the same time, you needed this. You hadn’t “let loose” it seemed in so long since Jack went missing, so relaxing and having a regular chit-chat with someone who looked exactly like him, how could you not want to continue to drink.

You look at him and try to tell him the whole truth, but with some white lies, “My partner went on what was supposed to be a simple mission, yes with dangerous people, but Jack, he’s not someone to get beat so fast and easy…we just don’t know what happened to him. One moment he’s talking to us over his earpiece and then, nothing.”

He lifts his eyebrows in surprise, “You're actually telling me the truth?”

You just smile, “I don’t like to lie, unless I’m working, but I’m being honest, Javier.”

He crosses his arms over his chest and sits back, “Why are you trying to convince me that you’re not lying?”

“So that you can trust me and not be so closed off when we hangout,” you say. “I mean, I don’t know how long I’m going to be here, but we can be friends in the meantime, and you don’t have to have your walls up so high that Mount Everest looks like the wall of connect-four.”

“Ok, I believe you,” he laughs. “So, your partner, Jack is it? How long has he been missing? Maybe I can help.”

You feel your eyes bulge, “No, don’t do that, please. You already have enough going on and I don’t want to burden you with my nonsense.”

“Doesn’t seem like nonsense if you're in Colombia and out of your element.”

You wave him off and wink, “Trust me, Agent Scotch, I got this.”

He laughingly throws his hands up in a protective manner, “Fine, Agent Vino, but I’m here if you need any help.”

“Thank you.”

After you both finish your fourth beers, you decide to head home. It’s past midnight when you both get to your building.

You speak first, “Well, thank you for taking me to dinner. I seriously didn't know it was so late, you saved me.”

“I saved you from starving to death.”

“Starving to death is a bit extreme, maybe from getting a really bad headache and getting ‘hangry,’ but dead, no,” you declare.

He leans against the doorframe of your now open door, “You always have an answer for everything, huh?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t be the agent I am if I wasn’t quick on my feet,” you feel weird saying that you're an agent because you're not completely sure he believes you.

“Right,” he says smiling, crossing his arms over his chest, his leather jacket stretching a bit because of his muscles. “I’ll leave you to continue to work or go to sleep. Dinner tomorrow?”

You feel your cheeks get a bit hot, “Yeah, we can do dinner tomorrow, and this time I’ll be ready.”

“Ok, goodnight,” He just gives a small smile and walks to his apartment. But you don’t go inside until you check him out and make sure that he doesn’t stand outside your door and listen to the call that you were going to make. Nice ass, you think before closing the door.

You walk over to your makeshift office in the kitchen and grab your cellphone. You dial and wait.

“Statesman Kentucky, the best Bourbon Whiskey in the world,” a young woman’s voice answers.

“Get me Ale,” you say.

After a pause there’s an answer, “Ginger.”

“Ginger, I need you to look someone up for me,” you say.

“Go,” Ginger responds.

“Javier Peña, he’s DEA.”

“Give a second here, ok, yes, Peña, born in Kingsville, Texas, went to college at Texas A&I University where he studied sociology and psychology, he was then hired as a Deputy Sheriff by the Webb County Sheriff’s office in Laredo, seven years later the DEA hired Peña as a Special Agent for the office in Austin.”

“Is that it?” You ask.

“Hmm, yeah that’s all there is. What am I supposed to be looking for, Y/N?”

“Just information. Does it show his picture?”

“Let me see…” then you hear a gasp. “What?! Wait, so Jack is going by another identity?”

You shake your head like if she can see you, “No, that’s his brother, Ginger.”

“What the fuck!” that was the first time you had ever heard Ginger Ale curse.

“Ginger, what the fuck am I going to do?” In that moment you just want to leave Javier behind and forget that you found him. In that moment you wish Jack was there and you could both go home and forget about all that had happened. But you couldn’t. 

You were in it, deep in it.

Taggity-Tags: @shikin83 @otherthingsinhead @batata-elegante @fleurdemiel145 @maryan028 @igotmadskills @just-add-butter @ghostofthebarricade @fatbottomedcurls @readsalot73 @stxriss 

[yourmandevine]

Some stuff that made me happy in 2020, in no particular order

God send you no greater loss. It’s something my grandmother said a lot — a bit of highly Irish Catholic wisdom intended to remind you, warmly but sharply, that whatever you’re currently suffering through isn’t all that bad compared to what lots of other people are dealing with. That it probably isn’t too much to complain about, in the grand scheme of things. That you should, instead, be grateful for what you’ve got, big and small and everything in between.

God sent a great many people a great many unfathomable losses this year, and as hard as it felt at times, our family wasn’t among them; we’re lucky, in the big picture. In the past, people have recommended I try writing those reasons down, to give myself a list of stuff to be thankful for, for the times it’s tough to summon up the gratitude. I figured the end of the year was as good a time as any to make that list, to highlight the stuff that helped me get through this year — the reasons big, small, and in between.

So: here goes.

Peanut butter and jelly

I haven’t counted how many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I’ve eaten since March 11, which is good, because that would be an absurd thing to do, and a sure sign that I have succumbed to a very specific kind of madness. It’s also good, though, because I would undoubtedly be ashamed by the number; the figure would be titanic, like the unsinkable ship of same name, or the iceberg that sunk it.

Or, at least, I would be ashamed under normal circumstances. This fuckin’ year required whatever flotation device you could find, and you know what I found in the fridge and cupboard? A couple of slices of bread, some strawberry jam, and some goddamn Skippy.

Need a weird mid-morning “brunch” after not having breakfast because you went right from waking up to remote school with the 6-year-old? Crank up a PB&J with that third cup of coffee. Need to pack something in the diaper bag to feed everyone while you’re out at the playground for the afternoon? Stack ‘em up, son. Need a late snack after working the overnight shift filing weird bubble playoff columns? Three letters, one ampersand, one love.

I need to eat better in 2021. But I kind of needed to eat sort of like shit to get through 2020, and time and again, when your man needed it most, PB&J was there.

Sunday night Zoom sessions with college friends

I know that most of us started something like this back in March; I’m not sure how many have stuck with it. I hope the answer is “a lot,” because honestly, knowing that I’m going to end the week by seeing a few friends — some here in Brooklyn but mostly beyond our reach for safety’s sake, some who’ve moved away — has felt like a stabilizing agent on more than a few occasions. It’s important, and no small blessing, to have people in your life who really know you, weird messy ugly bits and all, and in front of whom you can let everything go.

That gallery view’s provided a place to vent, to seethe, to laugh, to cry, and to try to find some semblance of center before heading back into another week. I’m grateful for it, and for the people in those little boxes. Except for the time they reminded me that, when I was 18, I was pretty sure I was a Pacey, and they were all extremely confident I was a Dawson. They were right, but still: a bitter pill to swallow, then and now.

Olivia calling herself “Dr. Bloody”

She took out her little toy doctor kit and just turned into a cackling villain.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Dan Devine (@yourmandevine)

Deeply disconcerting, yes, but also adorable.

All Fantasy Everything

What got me in the door was the conceit: three very funny stand-up comedians (Ian Karmel, David Gborie, Sean Jordan), often with a very funny guest but sometimes without, pick some topic or another and engage in a fantasy draft of their favorite aspects or representations of that topic. (It is, crucially, a serpentine draft. Now what is that? That’s a great question.) Some favorite examples: Mikes; Words That You Think Make You Sound Smart, vols. 1 and 2; Things You Yell After You Dunk on Someone; Fictional Athletes; Crimes We’d Like to Commit. Yeah. It’s that kind of podcast.

What kept me around was the friendship. Listen to an episode and it becomes really clear really quickly just how much the three hosts love each other, how much fun they have being around each other and making one another laugh. The warmth radiates, just pours out of the speakers; in a year where I sorely needed some good vibes, I appreciated my regular check-ins with the Good Vibes Gang to just ... unclench for an hour and a half or so. 

Drinking beer

OK, I’ll admit: This doesn’t sound great for me. It’s true, though. I really like beer. (We brewed one in our kitchen, which I realize is something of a “bearded guy in Brooklyn” cliche, but here we are. It was exciting to complete a project, and it tasted OK-ish.) At some points this year, it didn’t feel like there wasn’t much to look forward to, and sometimes drinking some High Lifes or Narragansett tall boys — with my wife in our living room, with friends on the computer, whatever — helped take the edge off a shitty day/week/month/year. I look forward to being able to do that outside with people again.

The Good Place

I am sure some very smart cultural critics and political thinkers and social revolutionaries have forwarded compelling arguments for why this show is Bad, Actually, because that seems to be more or less true about most things, whether because said thing is Actually Bad or because the economics of the attention economy on the internet functionally necessitate the composition and publication of pretty much every position on pretty much every issue, and especially ones that present a counterargument for why you shouldn’t like the thing you like, and might be kind of a piece of shit for liking it. But I liked this half-hour comedy about the way the universe might be put together, why we should try to take better care of each other, and how doing so might be a pretty great way to take better care of ourselves.

Andrew let me write about it a little bit for a big project we did before the series finale aired, which was really nice of him. I found myself thinking about this part a lot this year:

I also thought a lot about Peeps Chili, but that happens every year.

Taking pictures of my dog

Check out this flumpy goddamn champion:

“Lugar is a good boy” is the main takeaway here. They don’t all have to be complicated.

Schitt’s Creek

I know we’re not alone in this, but we inhaled this show this year. A half-hour comedy about people being laid low, learning how to deal with who they actually are, and finding some grace and community and opportunities for growth kind of hit the spot, I guess.

One of the most wholesale enjoyable ensemble comedy casts I can remember; Catherine O’Hara was already in Cooperstown, but what she made with Moira Rose only polishes her plaque. I’ll never be able to describe with any specificity the thing Chris Elliott does, but I know it has made me laugh since I was a child too young to understand the Letterman bits or see Cabin Boy in the theater, and it’s probably going to make me laugh until I am dead.

I love that people who, for years, never got to see themselves or people like them on screen got to see David Rose on screen and maybe recognize themselves a little bit. The idea that seeing the David/Patrick relationship might make them maybe feel a little more at home, a little safer and more whole, makes me happy. Sad, about the before, but happy, about the now and the what comes next.

Past that, I just love how what was ostensibly a family-and-friends production for a Canadian channel just got absolutely everything right—the tone, the look, the sound, the theme song, the cast, the jokes, my goodness, the jokes—and before long, the rest of the world just got it. Like catching a fastball square on the barrel. Something the show clearly knew a little bit about.

Finding new outdoor places it was safe to go

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the need to give the kids a place to be that wasn’t unnecessarily dangerous but also wasn’t inside our two-bedroom apartment led us to do more exploring than we had before. Shirley Chisholm State Park is great. Canarsie Pier was a fun place to spend a Sunday morning; so’s Canarsie Playground. If we got there early enough or made our peace with some rain, the beaches at Jacob Riis Park and Fort Tilden were pretty rad this summer. I lived in Staten Island from ages 8 through 18, and during breaks throughout college, and don’t think I ever hiked in High Rock Park — that’s dumb, because it was nice!

Even if all those little excursions did was kill a little time and reduce the overall stress level of the four humans stuck in our four walls, that’s not nothing. Some days this year, it was everything.

Cobra Kai

I know I’m late here; I didn’t rush to seek it out because I don’t consider myself a huge fan of The Karate Kid, or at least not a big enough fan to sign up for YouTube’s premium service. I checked it out when it came to Netflix, though, and I honestly can’t believe how much I enjoyed this show. Give me “dumb, but with heart” every day of the week.

I believe in Miguel Diaz; I believe in Johnny Lawrence; I believe I will be firing up Season 3 next month, and perhaps drinking some Coors Banquets in its honor. (I cannot, however, believe how the “get him a body bag” thing came back around, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Closing unread tabs

I’m a serial hoarder of links, and I am bad at finishing all of them. I’ve tried to get into Pocket and Instapaper, but I’ve never been able to turn that sort of workflow — open link, save to third-party service, go back to third-party service later to read, then delete from there — into something that felt instinctual, natural, or habitual. So: lots of tabs. Like, lots of tabs.

This was a dicier proposition than usual in 2020, because cutting my work week in half to be able to more effectively coparent two kids who didn���t have school or day care for most of the year meant less time to read things.

I tried to do my best to keep up with the important stuff for work, and to read at least some stuff about how other parents were dealing with their anxiety/anger/depression/frustration at having to be on 24/7 and work, and to stay abreast of (at least some of) what was happening in the world. Sometimes, though, I would wake up and realize I’d been holding onto blog posts about Really Interesting Rotation Decisions on the 11th-Seeded Team in the East or whatever for literally nine months, and I would go against my nature and just hit the eject button on a 25-deep window, and something amazing would happen: I wouldn’t get fired for being shitty at my job. I would move on with my day, and I would feel about 10 pounds lighter.

I still keep too much stuff open. (As we speak, I’ve got three different Chrome windows open on two different laptops. I choose not to count the total tabs.) But I do so knowing that, if it gets too heavy, I can experience the momentary joy of surrendering to the inevitability that I can’t catch everything. In that moment, I feel OK with my decay.

Reading writers I wasn’t familiar with before

Two in particular stand out in my mind: Nekias Duncan, now of BasketballNews.com, who does excellent film breakdowns and statistical analysis, and Katie Heindl, who writes basketball stuff of all types all over the place, and strings sentences together in a way that scratches an itch inside my brain. I’m grateful I got more chances to read them this year, I look forward to bigger and better things for both of them, and I’m hopeful that, if things calm down and our schedules go back to something approximating normalcy, I’ll have more bandwidth to hunt out more new voices in the year ahead.

The time I ambushed my wife as she was trying to break down and put away the girls’ space tent

Pretty good.

Siobhan learning to ride a bicycle (with training wheels, but still)

The moment passed pretty quickly; Not Exactly A Mechanic over here can’t get the training wheels to reliably work right without either loosening them too much or tightening them so much that she can’t pedal it. In that first moment, though, and for as long as it lasted, it was really great to see her get excited about doing something new, big kid shit, for the first time.

She was proud. I was proud of her. And then we went to a playground for a few hours. Pretty good day.

Tyler Tynes roasting me

Tyler did some incredible work this year — The Cam Chronicles is getting deserved praise as one of 2020′s best podcasts, and his reporting on the Movement for Black Lives was exemplary. It’s hard to top this, though:

You know what the messed up part is? I was excited to tell him what I was doing, just because I knew the reaction would be so violent. Like a body rejecting a transplant. So lucky to have such a dear, dear friend.

PUP

I’m late on everything, so I didn’t start listening to PUP until the spring of 2019, but I haven’t really stopped since. This year has been too sedentary too often; this band is too kinetic to allow me to stay there.

“Bloody Mary Kate and Ashley Kate” is never more than about 20 minutes away from returning to the front of my mind. I would fucking love for it to be safe enough to watch these guys live at some point, and I am absolutely going to take Steve up on his offer.

Someone sending me a shirt based on a joke I tweeted

First:

Then:

Then:

I’m not sure you should be rewarding my behavior, SnoCoPrintShop, but I appreciate it all the same.

Which reminds me:

Family dinner/family movie night

My wife works in Manhattan and commutes back on the train, and we've tried to prioritize getting the girls to bed early since they were little, so that doesn’t leave much of a window between when she gets home and they go in the tub for us all to connect; before everything shut down, we almost never really ate together. We’re still not great about it, but for a while now we’ve carved out Saturday as family dinner night, where we sit down to eat and talk about our “up” from the day — something that happened that made us feel good or happy, or something we’re looking forward to. (We used to talk about our “down,” too, but that kind of seemed like overkill. Why try to focus on more bad shit right now, you know?)

Then we settle in for a movie, with who gets to pick rotating each week. It’s mostly been Pixar, which has been great but also has its drawbacks; after she caught me crying during one of them (maybe the Bing-Bong scene in Inside Out? or Miguel singing to Grandma Coco?), Siobhan straight up told me, “You need to get yourself together, man.” We just watched My Neighbor Totoro, too, which they loved, so we’re probably going to try some more Miyazaki soon. It’s a really simple thing, but it’s one we rarely made time for before, and it’s been really nice to manufacture something positive that we can share and look forward to together.

Sometimes looking like a shiftless drifter

No shade to anyone who felt strongly about getting a lineup or whatever, but I haven’t really felt like going to the barbershop was worth the risk, and I continue to refuse to believe that my wife can actually pull off the fade she’s long wanted to give me. (It is also possible that she just means she’s intending to run my fade, and that I will before long wind up cold-cocked and slumped by my bride of nine years.) So I’ve just kind of been growing out my hair like it was when I was single, and sometimes been letting my beard get kind of out of control too, and, well, I sort of like looking a little bit like a Wildling, it turns out.

I have since trimmed things up a little. It didn’t go over well with my youngest. Oh, well. I’ll try to do better next time.

My wife and daughter singing the Pixies

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We don’t know all the words to too many lullabies, so we sing the ones we do know the words to. This will probably come back to bite us in the years ahead. For now, though: Pretty good.

Doughboys’ Tournament of Chompions: Munch Madness: Mac Attack

I can’t believe how invested I became in Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell’s quest to determine the best menu item at McDonald’s in a 64-seed tournament that spawned hours and hours of delightfully funny audio featuring all-time home-run guests like Jon Gabrus and Nicole Byer, who gleefully feed into the often warm, sometimes antagonistic, always entertaining chemistry between the two hosts. I have also never found myself wanting to go to McDonald’s more in my entire life. I have hit the drive-thru a couple of times since, and the boys are right: The McDonald’s fountain Coke does just hit different.

Sound Only

I’ve lost track of whether or not a 38-year-old is considered a millennial, but I’m quite confident that I’m not exactly plugged into “the millennial lifestyle” as my teammates Justin Charity and Micah Peters discuss it on their podcast, which relaunched this summer. Doesn’t matter, though, because I love hearing Charity and Micah talk to each other even if I don’t know what they’re talking about.

Their conversation about Dave Chappelle was great. After listening to their Travis Scott episode, I felt like I kind of understood who he is and why he occupies the space he does in pop culture now. I had no idea how they were going to get me to give a shit about set photos from The Batman, but this they not only got me there, but wended their way toward blaming 50 Cent for needing to know who Groot is to have a conversation on the internet, which is something for which Abraham Lincoln did not die. The show is good, it's getting better, it’s fun to hear them talk their shit, and Charity’s regular bellowing of “I, TOO, AM AMERICA” has made me smile for four straight months. 

Siobhan’s letters and notes

She’s in first grade now, and she’s taken to communicating her feelings through the written word. A lot.

I won’t pretend that I loved all of these in the moment. I can only get so upset, though, when she’s already writing with such a clear voice. (And trying to use proper punctuation. (And drawing little cartoons to drive the point home.)

Palm Springs

I’m having a hard time remembering too many specifics about it right now, which probably means it’d be a good thing to rewatch over the holidays. But, as I’m sure many people noted many months before we got around to watching it, a comedy about living the same day over and over again, and about trying to figure out how to make your life mean something when everything seems meaningless, scratched a pretty particular, and particularly important, itch this year. It could’ve been twice as long, and I would’ve eaten up every second of Andy Samberg and Cristin Miloti together.

I’m pretty sure I cried, although this year, that doesn’t necessarily mean much.  Also, put Conner O’Malley in more things.

Joining our union’s bargaining committee

I won’t say too much about this, but I will say that becoming an active participant in the process of a labor union negotiating its first contract with management has been an extremely educational experience. It’s pushed me to have conversations, sometimes difficult ones, about our priorities as a staff and a company. It's helped me get closer with the other past and present members of the BC, and has led me to start developing relationships with members of our staff that I otherwise might not have had much of an opportunity to get to know.

The organizing work takes time, effort, and energy, but trying to do what I can to help take better care of my colleagues has been well worth all of that. Here’s hoping that in 2021 we can reach a deal that helps make our workplace even better, stronger, and more equitable for all of us.

Publishing a story about Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Roundup

I swear this is true: After I accepted my offer to work at The Ringer, but before I started, I told a friend that one thing I was excited about was that you had the chance to work on offbeat stuff here, in both the “kind of weird” and “not about the NBA” senses. That, I thought, might maybe open the door to me getting to write a story about a Saturday Night Live sketch I saw when I was a teenager about Stevie Nicks from Fleetwod Mac running a cheap Tex-Mex restaurant in Sedona, Arizona — a sketch that I wasn’t sure anyone else remembered, but that was stuck in my head forever.

That story ran on May 26.

A lot of people seemed to like it.

Accomplishing this goal was, as dumb as this might sound, a highlight of my year, and, honestly, a highlight of my career. I’d like to do some more stuff like this next year, time permitting; we’ll see. Whether or not I do, I got to do this. I’ll always have that.

[diner-drama]

Cuddle Buddies (2/?)

Steve's a busy human rights lawyer who doesn't have time for a relationship but still wants to snuggle up with someone. Luckily, Bucky happens to be a professional cuddler. Chapter 1. Also on ao3.

Bucky's week continued as normal after his appointment with Steve - appointments with his regulars, messing about at the gym, being consistently outsmarted by Alpine - except that, every once in a while, he'd remember that shy smile, spitfire attitude and messy blond hair, and grin to himself. The way he'd immediately melted into Bucky's embrace showed just how touch-starved his newest client was, and Bucky couldn't wait to get back in there and help Steve get back in touch with his cuddly side. He couldn't help but feel admiration for this plucky little guy fighting back against a corrupt administration in a toxic work culture, all in pursuit of what he thought was right.

Steve being cute, hilarious, and smelling nice were entirely incidental.

Bucky's week continued as normal after his appointment with Steve - appointments with his regulars, messing about at the gym, being consistently outsmarted by Alpine - except that, every once in a while, he'd remember that shy smile, spitfire attitude and messy blond hair, and grin to himself. The way he'd immediately melted into Bucky's embrace showed just how touch-starved his newest client was, and Bucky couldn't wait to get back in there and help Steve get back in touch with his cuddly side. He couldn't help but feel admiration for this plucky little guy fighting back against a corrupt administration in a toxic work culture, all in pursuit of what he thought was right.

Steve being cute, hilarious, and smelling nice were entirely incidental.

Still, by the time Saturday came around, Bucky would admit to being fairly excited. He took some extra care with his appearance, fussing with his man-bun and carefully selecting a pair of matching polka dot socks. When he knocked on Steve's apartment door, his breath was taken away for a second on seeing Steve in a sharp, pin-striped suit, his hair slicked back neatly, his nose and the tips of his ears bright pink from the cold air outside.

"Hey, Bucky, come on in, sorry for the wait. I've just walked in the door," he said, sounding a little breathless.

"Busy day, huh? You still want therapy today, or do you want to reschedule?" he asked tentatively, hovering on the threshold.

"Running around town all day trying to sort out some paperwork that for some ungodly reason needs to be submitted in person. Please, come on in, I could do with relaxing after all that."

Bucky smiled as he closed the door behind himself, toeing off his shoes to leave by the mat. "Sounds like a hell of a day."

"It's bad enough that they still insist on using fax machines in this day and age," grumbled Steve, throwing his hands up in the air. He pulled an inhaler out of the pocket of his jacket and took a couple of puffs, holding his breath each time and counting to ten on his fingers. "Sorry, my lungs don't like the cold," he explained, heading over to the fake fireplace to switch on the heat and the soothing, flickering light, turning on some other low, warm lighting and dimming the main light before pulling out a fluffy blanket from a trunk and spreading it over the couch.

Bucky let out a low whistle. "This place is next-level cozy. You should teach a class."

The way that Steve's ears turned even pinker at the compliment was adorable. "Speaking of cozy, do you want a hot chocolate? I could do with something warm to drink."

"That sounds amazing," said Bucky, dropping onto the couch and subtly rubbing his hands over the soft throw. "Seriously, I would pay like fifty bucks for a class on this."

Steve laughed, starting to relax for the first time. "I hope you don't mind that it's dairy-free."

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth," breezed Bucky, waving a hand before spreading out his arms on the back of the sofa, making himself comfortable. "How'd you make it?"

"It's pretty straightforward," said Steve over his shoulder, clanging around overhead to find a saucepan and grabbing the ingredients from the fridge. "You heat up some oat milk, add some sugar, and melt some dark chocolate in it. Sometimes I use mint or orange chocolate but I'm all out, so you're getting plain."

"Oh, I'm not good enough for the fancy chocolate? I see how it is," laughed Bucky.

"You watch your tone, young man," said Steve, pointing a spray can at him threateningly, "or I won't let you have any dairy-free cream-style food-related whipped topping."

"I could make a dirty joke about 'whipped topping' there, but I'm a professional."

The process of assembling the drinks involved several steps - pouring the hot chocolate from the saucepan to a couple of mis-matched mugs, using a tiny whisk to froth the oat milk, placing the exact right number of vegetarian marshmallows on top, spraying on the cream, and then grating over a little bit more chocolate, just for a flourish.

It took every ounce of Bucky's dubious professionalism not to make sex noises when he took his first sip of the sweet, satisfying concoction, but Steve was giving him a look like he could tell what he was thinking.

"You like it?"

Holding up a finger, Bucky took another big sip, savoring the taste with his eyes closed. "Stevie, I am in heaven," he sighed, throwing his head back.

Steve grinned, a mustache of cream on his upper lip. Bucky strongly tamped down the compulsion to reach over and wipe it off with his thumb.

"I'm just going to change into something more comfortable," said Steve, heading to the bedroom with his drink. "Won't be long."

Caught up in the rhapsody of his magical hot chocolate, Bucky barely noticed him leaving, but by the time he was setting his empty mug on the table, Steve was ambling back into the room, looking much more cuddly in a pair of thermal leggings, and a hoodie that was two sizes too big for him.

"What's the picture?" asked Bucky, gesturing at the print on the front of Steve's hoodie of a scruffy bear wearing a hat and duffel coat, with a battered suitcase at his feet.

Steve laughed. "That's Paddington Bear. My ma used to read me the stories when I was a kid. He traveled to London from Peru, and a family found him at a train station and took him in. He's my second favorite immigrant, after her."

"That's such a sweet story," said Bucky, his heart melting under this barrage of military-grade sincerity. "C'mere." He took hold of Steve's hands to gently pull him towards the couch and then yelped when he felt how cold they were. "Are you a lizard?" he shrieked, rubbing Steve's frigid hands between his warm ones.

"Bad circulation," said Steve sheepishly, shuffling closer.

"It's like your blood literally isn't even trying."

Steve huffed a laugh. "Jerk."

"OK, this is an emergency situation. I'm gonna lie on my side here and you're gonna put your hands under my arms to warm up. I assume your feet are cold, too?" Steve nodded. "Alright, just slot them between my shins here," he said, lying back. Steve reluctantly got into position, still acting stiff and a little annoyed at being offered help, but once his cold toes were snug between Bucky's legs and his fingers were tucked into his armpits and his cold nose was poking into the junction between his neck and shoulder, Bucky felt him relax.

"That better?" murmured Bucky, wrapping his arms around Steve's slim shoulders and rubbing up and down his arms. Steve made a disgruntled noise in response.

"I don't need to be babied," he grumbled, the sound muffled by Bucky's sweater. "I can take care of myself."

"Hey, if you don't want my spare body heat I can always-" started Bucky with a smirk.

"No!" whined Steve, burrowing closer into Bucky's body.

"That's what I thought," murmured Bucky into Steve's hair, hands rubbing up and down his back as he felt his skin slowly warming up. "How bad's your asthma?" he asked after a while.

"It varies a lot, but... yeah, it's pretty bad. Spent a lot of my childhood in and out of hospitals."

Holding his breath, Bucky counted backwards from ten to stop himself from squeezing Steve tight to his chest and never letting go. "No wonder you don't like being fussed over."

"Sorry for being prickly," said Steve. Bucky could feel his nose wrinkling against his neck. "I just hate it when people think I'm incapable, you know?"

Bucky felt a swell of appreciation in his chest. "Pal, you managed to get through all that and pass the bar exam? I imagine anyone who thinks you're incapable lives to regret it."

A half-hearted chuckle. "Thanks, Buck."

"Where do you keep your inhalers?" asked Bucky, struck with a sudden thought.

"There's one in the basket under the coffee table, a couple in my nightstand and one in my jacket, usually. Why?"

"I'll take note in case I have to make a heroic rescue."

"My savior," snorted Steve.

"Seriously though, how'd you manage to study through all that?"

Steve shrugged self-effacingly. "I have a pretty good memory, and I used to get the nurses to quiz me on stuff. One of my teachers used to come visit me to bring my homework and he'd help me with anything I was stuck on."

"Still, you must have been really dedicated."

"I guess," conceded Steve.

Preening with his victory, Bucky now made it his mission for the rest of their session to shower Steve with as many compliments as he could get away with. He could tell when he'd gone too far by the way Steve stiffened up in his embrace, and made sure to temper his honey-sweet words with a few friendly insults. If he had his way, Steve's self esteem would be high as fuck by the time they finished.

Steve gave as good as he got, however, and Bucky was informed in short order that he was very funny, had soft and silky hair, smelled very nice, and was the biggest asshole on the planet. The conversation was punctuated with belly laughs, undignified snorts, and flicked ears. Once Steve's hands had reached a more acceptable temperature - prompting Bucky to declare him to be a real mammal - he started stroking gently along Bucky's back, which felt lovely. By the time Bucky's alarm sounded, he had his nose buried in Steve's hair and was almost dozing, their murmured conversation taking on a slow, lazy cadence.

"Mmph," he said indistinctly, stretching out his neck and back in an attempt to wake himself up. "Time to wake up."

"This has all been a dreeeaaam," yawned Steve.

"Oh, so that means I'm not an asshole in real life?"

"Sometimes dreams are prophetic."

They traded more affectionate barbs as Bucky got his coat and shoes back on, and he waved back to Steve as he walked away with a goofy smile on his face.

When Steve opened the door the next Saturday, he winced as Bucky gasped in alarm.

"What the hell happened to your face?" demanded Bucky, closing the door behind him and kicking off his shoes.

"It's not as bad as it looks, really," said Steve, trying to make light of the situation. "I got into an altercation outside a bar last night and the guy got a couple of good hits in."

"Can you even see out of this eye?" said Bucky, examining Steve's swollen face. He did have a pretty epic black eye and a few scrapes and bruises, but nothing he hadn't dealt with before.

"Not yet, but the swelling should have gone down before work on Monday," replied Steve with confidence based on extensive experience.

Bucky's eyes narrowed and he regarded Steve with disapproval. "You get a lot of black eyes in your line of work?"

"The guy was hassling a lady!" insisted Steve, getting angry about it all over again. "I had to step in, it wasn't right."

"What, you let him beat on you so she could run away?"

"No, I dropped him on his ass and sat on him until the cops arrived," he responded with some pride. "He just got a couple of good hits in before I did."

Bucky looked suitably impressed. "You a black belt in karate or something?"

Steve rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I've got a blue belt in Judo but honestly, he was pretty drunk and I basically just pushed him over."

Bucky's concerned face broke into a grin as he started giggling. "Now I'm imagining some drunken prick trying to get away while your twink ass keeps him on the ground."

"Hey, I've had no complaints about this ass," insisted Steve, before turning beetroot red. "I mean-"

"I'm sure you haven't, pal," said Bucky easily, breezing past Steve's embarrassment. "You got an ice pack?"

"Yes, ma," grumbled Steve, heading dutifully to the freezer.

"How do you feel about us cuddling in your bed? That way you won't have to worry about falling off the couch if you drop off to sleep."

Steve's brain short-circuited for a moment at the idea of having this muscular specimen of male perfection pressed up against him in bed, before he managed to answer. "If you're comfortable with that, it's fine by me."

"That's great," said Bucky, dazzling him with his thousand-watt smile. "You'll need your rest if you want your body to heal by Monday."

"I didn't sign up for the mother hen package, you know."

"You're such a punk," groaned Bucky, rolling his eyes as he followed Steve into his neat, cozy bedroom. There was a lamp on the nightstand letting out a low, warm glow, lighting up the cream colored walls and the dark blue soft cotton sheets. Bucky let out an entirely different groan when he lay down on the mattress, sliding his body under the thick duvet. "This is the best mattress I have ever met," he said rapturously.

"The mattress is nothing to write home about," shrugged Steve, climbing into the other side of the bed. "It's the topper that really makes it special."

"I'm definitely buying one of these," declared Bucky, rolling over to face him. Gently, he took the ice pack from Steve's hands and held it to his bruised face, making him hiss at the cold. "OK, tough guy. You want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?"

"Will you think I'm less manly if I say the little spoon?"

"Most of my male clients want to be the little spoon, so I think your masculinity is safe."

Steve snorted and rolled over, taking the ice pack from Bucky and pressing it obediently to his eye. Bucky slid one hand under the pillow and wrapped the other arm around Steve so that his hand was resting on his stomach, his warm chest pressed against Steve's back. Despite a momentary fear that he would pop a boner that his sweatpants would be unable to conceal, Steve felt himself relax into Bucky's embrace, enjoying the tickle of his minty breath on the back of his neck.

After a while, the ice pack started to melt and become unpleasantly drippy, so he dropped it on the floor, then interlaced his fingers with Bucky's hand where it rested on his stomach, pulling his arm more tightly around him, and snuggled backwards into his body. He heard Bucky's breath hitch a little before he cuddled in closer, his face coming to rest against the back of Steve's neck. Steve could have sworn he felt the press of Bucky's lips where his collar met his skin, but he must have been imagining it.

He spent the next hour hovering in that liminal space between sleep and waking, where time stretches and everything turns hazy and warm. He was all wrapped up in Bucky, his clean scent and comforting presence surrounding him, chasing away all of his worries. Bucky's hand drifted over his body, stroking his hair, rubbing his arm, smoothing over his chest, holding his hand gently.

He was only vaguely aware of Bucky's alarm when it started to chime and was immediately silenced. Slowly, quietly, Bucky slipped out of his bed, tucking the covers back in around Steve's body, and turned off the bedside lamp, before carding his fingers once more through Steve's hair and leaving the room. Steve hummed happily and let sleep take him away.

[nerdierholler]

I was tagged by @slothssassin​ to do the OC Interview again (thank you so much!). This time I’m going with my Fallout 76 OC Wash, since I’ve been playing a lot of that this week. Plus it gives me a chance to work on his background and personality a bit more.

I have no idea who has done this so if you want to do this, tag me and tell me about your OC!

Wash’s dad was a journalist before the bombs fell so I’m imagining this is his dad interviewing him some time after they’ve been out of the vault and each gone off to do their own thing for a while.

name ➔ Charles Washington, although most people call me Wash, *laughs* except for my dad. You’ve always called me by my first name.

are you single ➔  Well, I can’t say I found a lot of options once we left the vault, so yes.

are you happy ➔ I don’t know, maybe? I mean, it kinda sucks out here but I’m not yelling into my pillow at night or wondering why I even keep trying to make living anymore, so I’m better than I have been.

are you angry ➔ I can’t say I’m pissed off about anything specific at the moment but, you know, there’s a little resentment about how unprepared we were for all of this. I mean, what the fuck did they think life was going to be like after near total nuclear annihilation? Did they really just think that big door would open and we would emerge, fresh and clean, to rebuild society and remind them of what it used to be like? That was someone’s fucking pipe dream and we’re all paying for it now. Ok, now I might be a little angry. Moving on.

are your parents still married ➔ Really, Dad? Why are you asking me this? I don’t know, are you? Do you think Mom miraculously survived all this shit and gives a damn about us again? That she’s out there looking for us?

*sighs* I’m sorry, Dad. I know, you basically ask everyone the same questions. Let’s talk about something else.

NINE FACTS

birthplace ➔ In a hospital somewhere in DC, back before the bombs. Like a normal baby.

hair color ➔ It’s been pink for a while now and I don’t have any plans to change it but as far as I can tell, it’s still a very boring brown color underneath.

eye color ➔ Green, goes really nicely with the pink hair.

birthday ➔ May 17 2073

mood ➔ Well now I’m kind of grumpy after getting all worked up but, I don’t know, I’m fine in general, no mood in particular.

gender ➔ Male

summer or winter ➔ I’m still getting used to the seasons, I barely remember them from when I was younger. From what I can tell, summer is better, winter is just trying not to be so goddamned cold all the time.

morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon. Unless I’m traveling or have a project I need to work on, I see no reason to get up early.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔ Well, I love myself, and I love you Dad, and I love Nuka Cola but that’s probably not what you’re asking about.

do you believe in love at first sight ➔ Since I’ve never seen anyone “at first sight”, it’s hard to say. I mean no new people ever showed up at in vault and there’s no one out here to meet. Seems like an overly romantic idea though.

who ended your last relationship ➔ That would be me, back in the vault.

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ Considering my last answer, maybe?

are you afraid of commitments ➔ I want to say no but I know you’ll give me that look if I do. See, there it is, that one. I’m not great a sticking with things, or people sometimes, but I’d like to think I’m getting better.

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Just you Dad. You know how it is though, you can go days without seeing someone and I’m not running out to hug every human I happen across. I’ll go weeks without touching another person. And, uh, yeah, that gets hard sometimes.

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ The vault wasn’t a great place for secrets but if you’re going for a traditional shy teenager crush thing, then, yeah I did. Damn it, now I’m going to blush.

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ That’s a weird question. Nothing jumps out, so I guess not?

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ Well, this is awkward. If you want the truth though... yes? Both? Sometimes they go together, sometimes they don’t. I don’t think they have to be opposites, just different kinds of relationships is all.

lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced tea, mostly because the lemonade in vault was that dry mix stuff. All the old timers said it was terrible compared to the real thing. I suspect I’ll never know anything different.

cats or dogs ➔ Seeing as most of the dogs I’ve met are horribly radiated mutants who want to kill me, I’m going to have to go with cats.

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ I guess I was fairly popular, so lots of regular friends.

wild night out or romantic night in ➔ A wild night out around here means actually fending off the wildlife so romantic night in, I suppose. Though, still single so that’s really only in theory.

day or night ➔ It’s easier to see things coming during the day, but if I’m at home, I can be a bit of a night owl. Back in the vault I was stayed up late a lot, it was quieter then, fewer people around. Except for the random screams that come from the Alpine Cabins, and the generators, it’s always quiet now and there are almost never people around. I guess I got my wish in some ways.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ Yes.... *laughs* You caught me a few times.

fallen down/up the stairs ➔ Who hasn’t? Didn’t one of the scientist keep a tally in the vault for “research” purposes?

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ This is another one where I think most people have. I used to really miss Mom when I was younger but I’m not sure if I actually missed her or the idea of her.

wanted to disappear ➔ Alllllll of the time back in vault. If you did anything embarrassing everyone knew about in a few hours.

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ Depends on the person. I will say though, out here a friendly smiles goes a long way.

shorter or taller ➔ Doesn’t matter. The vault taught me not be too picky on that account.

intelligence or attraction ➔ Wow, some asking really hard hitting questions here, Dad. I, uh, guess it depends on what the relationship goal is? Long term, intelligence.

hook-up or relationship ➔ Whatever both people agree too. I wouldn’t and haven’t said no to either one and I don’t think that is going to change in the immediate future. Happy now? Just remember, you asked.

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔ I don’t know, Dad, do we? *laughs* I think we do alright. At least I’m not a teenager anymore though.

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ Everything about this world is messed up. I would say, mine’s not as messed up as some people’s, but no one inside or outside the vault walked away without scars of some kind.

have you ever ran away from home ➔ Can’t say there was really anywhere to run to. Even if there was, I never thought about it.

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ I’m sure there were days when you wanted to, but I’m glad you didn’t.

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Well, I don’t really have friends anymore. When I was younger, I think there were times when I was jealous but not so much that it became hate.

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ Back when I had friends, no.

who is your best friend ➔ Wow, just rubbing it in now, aren’t you, Dad?

who knows everything about you ➔ That would probably be you. And I’m ok with that.

[defeatedbyamerechild]

a dream i have

hello so uh ever since i was in to pokemon i had this day dream and still have it sometimes anyway it started as an idea for a fanmade evil pokemon team called team nightmare the leaders name is Draco Darknram (Dark-nin-ram) the admins names are Sebastian (male#1) , Prometheus (male#2) Claudia (female #1) and Torali (Tor -a-lie) the leader has a very young daughter  by the name lisa who has powers like physic abilities , can read peoples minds can hear the voices of pokemon , is extremely intelligent , can control legendary pokemon and can make wild mean pokemon kind and loving anyway Draco found lisa being attacked and bullied by other people so Draco took and adopted young lisa and raised and loved her as his own and yes this character actually cares about his own child and team . now if ya wonderin what Draco and lisa look like lisa has long dark purple curly hair wears a light purple tube top and purpleish pink leggings with regular purple shoes has blue eyes wares glasses and she is six years old but act like a very mature adult now draco has medium blonde hair wears a black felt sweater like shirt with black leather pants and has a light black cape and very dark brown boots he is very handsome and very attractive and wares glasses like lisa now the admins Sebastian wears an all black tuxedo has very dark purple hair has black sun glasses  , Prometheus has a spiked  leather black jacket a dark grey tank top and purple boots and dark grey hair  , claudia wares a black short coat with grey buttons wears a purple long dress and a black fedora and light grey high heels and a necklace with a purple heart ,and black hair  Toralie wears an outfit kinda like the one lady gaga wears in the intro of poker face except its dark purple and the mask is black and has light grey hair now on to the grunts *for the females* ever seen lady gagas blue outfit that she wears in poker face* well you might have to watch the video to know what i am talking about* anyway they wear that which is  dark purple they ware  gray tights  and black gloves and gray shoes they have long dark gray hair and they wear sliver sunglasses Now the males they wear the same lady gaga outfit thing except the bottom has shorts and instead of it being purple its black with purple tights they have black hair with grey shoes and wear dark grey sunglasses. now they are from the Sadoka region (sa -do -ka ) which is close to galar their hideout is a huge abandoned castle   . anyway sorry this is super long but i understand if you say no but the reason im tellin ya bout this because  i want to make a series where team nightmare team up with team rainbow rocket and well id make it myself its just that i’m not good at art so maybe you could help me make this series like a collab or something but if ye say no i understand but feel free to draw the characters if ye’d like of course ye don’t have to . thanks for reading :)

———-

Heya! Ok, first of all: this is really cool!

I also keep daydreaming a lot thinking about stories, but usually they are about characters that already exist, like the ones here in the blog, so it’s super amazing to me that you can actually think of all that just out of your imagination, specially with so much detail regarding the character’s clothes and hairs, their story, the relationships between them and etc.

I really like your descriptions and it seems to me that you have a color pallete going on there… with lots of purples and grays. That’s very nice! It totally sounds like something that could be canon in the games. Really, congratulations, because it’s very well-thought! And I have to add that I love the names Torali and Prometheus. I know Prometheus is from a Greek legend, but Torali is a name I’ve never heard before and I really liked it. ^^

Also, you don’t need to apologize for the long text, I always write gigantic chuncks of text myself, so who am I to complain? It’s fine. :) Thanks for sharing your ideas with me and the other followers, I’m sure others will enjoy it as well! :D

Now… uh… It’s kinda painful to me to say it, and I’m sorry about it, but I’ll have to refuse the offer of working with you on that project… Not because I didn’t like your idea or don’t feel like working with you on it, but because I’m currently pretty much overwhelmed by all the projects I have for my blog, and I really don’t think I’d be able to engage in another drawing-related project now… :/ I’m already working on my comics at a slower pace than I wish I could, and I’m trying to think about how to accelerate the process of drawing them so that I can post more often… I’m also creating some written content about the Villains and I have some drawing rewards for my patrons that I need to finish… As well as drawing stuff to keep my Instagram alive every now and then. And there are also my sideprojects that I make with my siblings: we make some comics about Sonic characters in my own language, and even though they are just something between me and my sibs, I don’t want to give up on this project and let them down. And I’m looking for a job because capitalism……. Oof.

So yeah… I’m sorry, really! But basically it would be very complicated to me right now, I don’t think I can handle another project, specially one involving another person, because that would be an even bigger responsibility to me and I wouldn’t wanna fail to deliver something I promised. Oh and… By the way, I’m pretty flattered that you asked my help with it, it means a lot to me as an artist! Thank you!

Anyway, congratulations again on all that, because it sounds really amazing! I hope you can find someone to work with you on that, and if you ever create some content with it, please do show me! ^^ Good luck! ♥

[princelockedinatower]

Peppermint

The dark streets aren't a place for anyone or anything at night, that is... except for the ones who have no place within the light to begin with. 

I and the others I am meeting are the exception. 

I waltz down the carriage lanes of this old sleepy town in my favorite dark jeans and a black knitted sweater, a forest green cloak draped over me with the hood down, catching wisps of dark figures in the corners of my eyes. These creatures are not quite of this world, nor is the figure, visible only by the translucent outlines of white waltzing along with me tonight. The common folk need not fear these creatures, unless you know they exist they are impartial. Then even if you do, leaving out some seeds and honey as an offering will keep you from harm, give them blueberry tea if you want some good luck. 

Tonight I climb the hill just beyond the old yew tree the fae adore and that everyone refuses to cut down least they fear a despicable end. No one besides me and a few others dare to climb it at night, they say strange things happen there, dark figures prowling about almost like regular animals, yet their limbs too long and narly. When climbing you’ll get an ice chill down your spine, a sinking feeling in your gut and the one clear thought you can manage out is something along the lines of: I should not be here. 

The way I and the other I am meeting ward this off is by leaving generous offerings before we ascend. I find McDonald's fries generally please them, so arriving at the foot I leave four extra large fries and a pack of chicken nuggets, right beside my coven’s other offerings. I can see no figures awaiting me from where I stand, a bad sign usually but I start up the hill against my better judgment. 

Reaching the top, my calves are burning, the trek never gets easier. I lean down to massage my right calf, my dyed red hair falling around me and pale skin a sharp contrast in the full moon’s light. As my hood falls over my eyes I spot two figures lying on the ground, one covered with a light blue cloak, dark tightly braided hair and face peeking out, the other a maroon cloak and a hot pink dress. 

I address the girl with the maroon cloak first “You hiked this thing in heels? What are you? Cat woman girl?” I ask rummaging through my bag for my supplies. 

Bonita laughs “You wish hun, got your supplies?” she says sitting up elbowing Makena. 

I nod, both of them standing and whipping out their supplies from their own bags. 

We start to set up the temporary alter as Makena speaks, getting our attention “Bonita, Roxy-” she hesitates on her next words, half way done her particular task to set up “This might be the last time we pray and do a spell together, you know, with all of us off to college in a few weeks,” she says, her voice wavering a bit while fiddling with her long curly hair. 

Bonita’s eyebrows shoot up and she makes a face before chuckling “If you’re implying that we’re gonna grow apart sweetie while we’re in college you better evaluate dear Roxy’s OCD level schedule of communication and visits,” 

Makena blushes and shrinks but laughs with us at my expense. 

We make short work of setting up the rest of the altar and preparing to pray. 

Tonight I’m going to pray to Sarasvati for help forming and performing my Valedictorian speech, something I desperately need. I’ve been rewriting it for a week now and still haven’t made any headway. I also need to pray to my main hoe Soma to make Grad amazing and Dhat to bless the spell we’re about to do. I’m not sure what Bonita and Makena pray about, or who to, guess I never really asked. Regardless we each get into our preferred positions and pray to whichever gods and goddesses we choose about whichever we want. 

The graduation ceremony took place in pitch black, the sun already set, small shifts of movement coming from the rows of seats and the rafters, family and supporters brought together alive and passed, human and not. The only light coming from the spotlights on the stage as Principle Chiba gave an inspirational and touching speech that moved everyone here. Applause began and continued as I replaced Mr. Chiba at the podium, soon it died down and I spoke a silent prayer I would do well before I began.

“Fellow classmates, graduates of 2018, I will not bore you with a lengthy speech going on about things that don’t matter, we all have better things to do. Instead I will give you some words of advice given to me by someone I miss dearly, who has gone on to University in a very far away place yet I remain close to. That advice is to simply, remember to call. Call to say how beautiful the leaves are on the trees outside your dorm window. Call to ask how they’re doing. Call to just say I miss you. Call to make them open their bedroom window because they’re home for the Holidays and you’re outside freezing, 20 ft up in the air on a tree and regretting every life choice you’ve made up to that point. So call, it keeps you close to those you care about. Thank you.” 

I don’t think we called enough. 

Sitting here, awkwardly in this cafe we used to come to in high school when conversation just flowed, I wonder what went wrong. I know we didn’t follow the schedule, school and life got in the way, but… that shouldn’t stop us from reconnecting.

“So, any special someone in your guys lives?” I ask, a small forced and nervous smile on display as I grasp my mug. 

My sister Sofia shoots me a sarcastic thumbs up. I’m tempted to flip her off. 

Bonita nods “Their name’s Avery, they’re pretty nice,” she says looking down into her mug.

“I’m not seeing anyone right now actually,” Makena says, taking a bite of her pastry. 

I nod my head, this is not going well “That’s nice,” I take a sip from my mug, racking my brain to come up with something to start a decent conversation. 

Makena pretends to get a text and looks at her phone “Sorry guys, it’s been fun but my mom wants me home to make sugar cookies, see you later!” she says practically sprinting from the table.

I know she was pretending because she always has her ringer on, in high school it used to get her into so much trouble. 

I remember when it went off in the middle of a lock down drill, school took it away for three days, and like any teenagers would we concocted elaborate schemes to get her phone back. None of them worked of course, including the one where Bonita tried to tell the receptionist she was Makena was mom, but we had fun nonetheless. 

“I should actually go too, I got some stuff that I need to attend to,” Bonita says laughing half halfheartedly.

I nod and watch her awkwardly leave. Letting out a defeated sigh I let my head fall into my arms. Why was talking to them after a year so hard?

“You ok?” my sister asks, sitting down across from me. 

The phase sent me over the edge, tears started spilling into my cardigan then running down my cheeks as I lifted my head. Unable to speak, I shake my head. 

She grabs a tissue from her bag and hands it to me “You know you could always try doing something you guys used to do back in high school together,” she suggests sipping her drink.

I sniffled “I don’t know, I noticed Bonita wearing a cross and Makena started wearing a hijab,” I used the tissue to wipe away the tears “They’ve changed a lot…”

My sister nods “Sorry I’m not more help…” 

“It’s ok, they’re allowed to change it’s just I didn’t expect them to so much,” I say, my phone starting to vibrate. 

It’s Vincent, one of my new friends from Uni, I answer it “Hey tic tac, whatcha need?”

He laughs “Nothing, just want to know how the old reunion is going,”

“Not well, but I know that’s not why you’re calling, what did you do this time?”

“Can’t a friend bug another friend anymore? And besides it’s not me, it’s your roommate, apparently she accidentally turned your sheets orange when washing them,” 

I chuckle, and rub my face “How bad is it?”

“Bad, very bad, looks like leftover prison suit material was used, then bleached in some places,” 

I laugh genuinely “I’ll be sure to pick up new ones when I get back then,” 

“Good, those sheets have seen better days. What’s up with your friends? Thought you were really excited to see them,”

“Well, I was, but… they’ve changed a lot. They’re not the people I used to know back in high school and I don’t know how to reconnect with them,” 

Vincent sighs “You’re not gonna like what I have to say about this but you need to hear it,-” he pauses and I scrunch up my face. What could he possibly have to say that I wouldn’t like? “-Sometimes, through no fault of anyone involved, relationships just… don’t last,”

I blank for a second, shocked he’d even say something like that. “What the hell? What am I-” 

“You didn’t let me finish!” he interrupts his voice weakly raising an octave. I huff but let him continue“Sometimes they don’t last because people just change too much, and that’s no one fault, people need to change so they can grow. And sometimes that means you change so much people lose connection because there’s nothing to connect with. That doesn’t make sense, umm, ok, take two people at the start of a relationship. They both love to… drink coffee so every day they go out to drink coffee,”

I chuckle a little raising an eyebrow “Coffee? That’s the best you can come up with?”

He shushes me playfully “Anyways, so a little later in this friendship one decides to give up coffee due to Insert Reason Here and they stop hanging out as often. Since their entire relationship is based on coffee and now that’s been taken away, they don’t have anything in common. They drift apart and remember each other as a good friend they had,”

I nod and ponder what he said “So… people can just drift apart? In that situation aren’t you supposed to try to make new common interests?” 

“Yah, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen for whatever reason and that’s where my wisdom comes in!” I can feel his overblown and ridiculously camera smile of annoyance from the other side of the country.

“I’m throwing a pillow at you when I get back,” I say going to hang up, his laughter ringing out. 

My sister’s nowhere to be seen, probably went to the washroom. I remain sitting, my drink all gone and the sun dipping down to paint everything a nice shade of orange. 

I wonder if Vincent had a point. I had tried to reconnect with my friends, but they just… were too changed from when I knew them… I could keep trying, but how many times would I sit through awkward conversations that lead nowhere before we reconnected or they started making up excuses not to come? 

I sigh out loud and play with my empty cup. Why do people and relationships have to be so difficult? 

I realize Vincent’s right… Why for the love of the gods does Vincent have to be right this one time? 

Sighing again I begrudgingly move up my flight up to this Thursday, two days from now. My parents moved after I graduated high school and my sister was seeing her friends so it wasn’t like it was an inconvenience to anyone. 

My sister reappears and sits down “Sorry, didn’t want to interrupt your phone call, had to go to the washroom,” 

“That’s ok, I was just about to leave, -” I stand up and hesitate to continue “-I also moved up my flight to this Thursday…”

“You sure? Shouldn’t you try to reconnect a little harder?” she asks, walking with me to the door.

I sigh “Yes, sometimes people just grow apart and despite their best efforts they just don’t recover,” I mentally kick myself for quoting Vincent, the jerk would never let me live it down. I grab a peppermint from the little bowl as we exit and pop it in my mouth.

“Sounds like you’ve made up your mind.” she comments getting in her rental car “Want me to drive you to the airport?”

“Sure, I’d like that,” I say with a sad smile. 

Watching her drive off and getting into my car, I feel my heart droop, finally realizing that was the last time I’d probably see my old friends again but, I also feel like a sense of dread has been scrubbed off of me. 

[kuronekonerochan]

Rambles/Rant about Kdrama OSTs and old Kdramas bc I digressed

 I’ve got that one song from My Name is Kim Sam Soon stuck in my head.

I haven’t watched the drama in like 5 years and haven’t heard it again until this month when it was sampled briefly in an easter egg on Be Melodramatic and then again on the last episode (200) of Knowing Brothers/ Ask Us Anything with SuperJunior, where they played the first seconds on a game to guess the soundtrack/drama/actors (btw I did surprisingly well on mid2000s to contemporary kdramas, guessing at home). 

When I first started watching kdramas, the thing that was harder to adapt to wasn’t the language (oh the advantage of not being american or from any other country where they dub everything), I’ve been watching stuff in multiple different languages on tv since birth, in fact, everyone else in my country does. Nope, it was the fact that the background music WASN’T in the background... it was all in your face max volume, blaring over the dialogue and the characters. I swear I had to pause and rewind scenes because I was often too distracted by the music to remember to even read the subtitles. It took a while to adapt. Now I’ve embraced it (still find it funny and cringy when the ultra romantic ballad blows in), and there are some songs that become such a part of the viewing experience I can’t watch a pic of the drama without “hearing” the OST and likewise, hear the song without remembering the drama. Hence Kim Sam Soon sexy baby making 2000s jam.

Some dramas have very iconic OST singles that are super catchy.  Some of them I don’t like but I’ve grown used to and enjoy screamsinging to (like Almost Paradise, Maria - the korean not Blondie vs., etc.), some are super cheesy, and even though I hate ballads, kind of became a guilty pleasure (like that ballad from Secret Garden). 

Some have an iconic standout song that I immediately associate with the drama, like Kill me Heal me ( Auditory Hallucinations by Jang Jae In and NaShow is my favorite piece of OST ever, and one of my favorite songs in the world). Also, W: Two Worlds, Lookout, Hwarang with that V/Jin single,Mad Dog, Abyss, Search WWW, Miss Hammurabi and Beautiful Mind (Dirt is awesome).

Some have great singles in the mix, even though I don’t like the rest of the album:Romance is a Bonus Book, Jealousy Incarnate, It’s Ok That’s Love,   Angel’s Last Mission, The Guest, Another Oh Hae Young (I didn’t even like the drama, but the cinematography and the OST was on point), 

Some are just freaking great overall, like the OST from Chicago Typewriter (my absolute favorite), The Player, Cheese in the Trap, When the Devil Calls Your Name, Descendants of the Sun and Goblin. (I’m not including instrumental, only songs, bc then Mr. Sunshine and a lot more could be on my list)

The best thing about OSTs is that it allows me to get to know A LOT of korean singers whose careers seem to be very geared towards OSTs, some of my favorites I can’t even find anything else from them except covers and OST (they are probably on those shady label basements we hear so much about...the sad part is I’m only half joking). Others have indie albums that I got to know  first through their work on soundtracks. People who have lovely voices, such as INKII (one of the basement ones and the one whose voice I love the most, seriously who is she? when is she getting an album?), Jang Jae In, Suran, Heize, SaltnPaper, Crush, Punch, U-mb5, Klang, The Black Skirts, Hyukoh, etc...plus the recurrent appearance of singles by idols from groups, with EXO idols doing it the most, either solo or in duets, or even the entire ensemble like Mamamoo. Cdramas brought me Shi Shi.

Anyways, it’s nice to have great OSTs... not so nice to get one you haven’t heard throughout in the last 5 years stuck in your head.

BTW...it’s this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfCgyW_8Goo

PS: Kim Sam Soon was weird. She herself was one foot in an independent self assertive woman and another foot in a poor pathetic doormat for the ML. Hyun Bin was the cliche rich jerk lead of the old kdramas and by contemporary standards an asshole but at the same time, kind of not that bad or overbearing (like a transition period lead between the old chaebol bastard and the contemporary supportive ML, still worse than Gong Yoo in Coffee Prince tho). But I guess my perspective is very much influenced by the “era” of the drama. It came out amidst way worse kdrama bastard leads and the peak of classic Taiwanese (WTF?! in today’s view) dramas. Remember the era of male leads backslapping female leads left and right? Forced kisses more likely than regular consensual ones? Abortions, push-down-the-stairs-”accidents” and amnesia? Ooof... looking back, dramas have really come a long way and also, how TF were those tropes valid not too long ago?  What I meant with perspective is that when I saw Kim Sam Soon all those years ago, I also watched a taiwanese drama where the male lead straight up hires people to murder the female lead (even before they meet) over an inheritance - btw this was a melodrama/comedy (if you’ve ever seen a taiwanese drama you know what I mean) and it had a happy ending. Seriously, they got married, bla ,bla ...again...wtf?! 

(Not even going to get into the whole more than likely abusive relationship, but seriously, female leads back then were a-ok with falling for people who had no problem with murder...not even getting into the fact that it was her own murder, bu even any other person? Did I mention that the murder attempt resulted in a forest fire? And I can’t remember for sure but I think someone died bc of the fire. So moral culprit of murder and environmental catastrophe? Talk about low standards. The best part was that the actor was the least intimidating thing on earth, total flower boy type, you couldn’t even believe he had the guts to do anything...)

[rainoverthemountains]

Twist story chapter 12

Twistfell and everything associated with it belong to @itsladykit

These guys really get away from me. We haven’t yet gotten to some of the events that were originally planned for chapter 4. Meanwhile, they insist on having some pretty strong feelings for what’s probably still a gen fic, or at least gen-ish. But eh, why do relationships always have to fit into neat categories, anyway? I doubt any of these guys would be terribly concerned about it.

Summary: There’s a cure for LV (probably). It’s completely safe (probably). It’s a highly unpleasant experience (definitely). Twist only cares about that first statement. He probably should have paid a little more attention to the other two. But what does it matter? He’s getting what he wants, and he has the best friends and family in any universe to help along the way.

chapter 1, chapter 11

Chapter 12

Either the pillow wall works or Twist remembers that moving is a bad idea, because he actually manages to stay in bed this time, to Cash’s relief. He smiles when Cash enters the room but doesn’t say anything, also to Cash’s relief. Twist is reasonably content and not saying ridiculous things that hit Cash in all the wrong places, so everything is as good as it’s probably going to get.

“the kitchen’s cleaned up and i got you some more water.” Not that it was a mess in the first place, but at least the dirty water bottle is in the dishwasher. He hands the refilled bottle to Twist, who again smiles at being able to hold it himself.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” He takes a sip. “D’licious as always. Could sell this stuff.”

“not that i’m opposed to taking advantage of the gullibility of the general public, but i think it would take more marketing than either of us want to deal with to convince anyone to buy the water from your kitchen sink.”

“I don’ know ‘bout that. I’ve got a great sales pitch; ‘Guaranteed ta make ya feel like yer soul’s not meltin’ fer at least 15 seconds after ya drink it!’ Sales’ll go through the roof!”

“i suspect it needs some work before it’ll appeal to a general audience.”

“Yer probly right. Might only int’rest a specific type a clientele.” He finishes the bottle, so Cash teleports to the kitchen to get more. He’s not going to be caught unprepared with something as easy to keep on hand as water, especially with this new revelation that Twist’s soul apparently always feels like it’s melting and water makes it go away for a few seconds. It’d have been nice to know about that earlier, but far be it from Twist to ask for something he needs.

Twist accepts the fresh water gratefully, but doesn’t drink much, so maybe he’s feeling better now. “Whatcha rushin’ around so much for, anyway? Tha’s not like ya.”

“have to make sure i’m here to rescue your stupid ass the next time you decide to fling yourself to the floor instead of staying in bed and going to sleep like a normal person.”

“Aww, sweetheart, if I’da known you were so attached ta my ass I’da taken better care a’ it.”

“it’s not so much that i’m attached to it as that i’m tired of picking it up off the floor.”

“Oh come on, it was only one time! An’ it’s a great ass! You should be honored ta be the one ta pick it up!” This is ridiculous, but Twist is grinning, and not that vague, confused smile from earlier either.

“anything to do with your ass is an ‘honor’ i could do without. how about you keep it in bed until you can pick it up yourself?”

“But darlin’, that’d-” the breath catches in his throat as his body goes rigid. His face tightens and his eyelight rolls up into his skull as a strangled whine escapes.

“what’s wrong? twist? fuck.” Another attack? They’re probably lucky to have made it this long without one. But then all the tension leaves Twist’s body. “twist?” Twist blinks.

“Wha?”

“what happened? is it over?”

“I… I don’…”

“what was that?” Surely it wasn’t an attack. Nodes don’t dissolve that fast. Do they?

“Dunno… it… I – hnnn!” His back arches and his face twists in agony. Then he collapses again, panting.

“what’s happening? i haven’t seen this before. has it happened before?”

“Dunno… felt… it felt like when… like a node thing, but FUCK!” His claws dig into the blanket underneath him, then relax again. “I think this’s new. Wish it’d stop.” Head dropping limply to the side, he lays panting for a few moments while Cash watches in concern. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about. If it lasted even a little longer, he’d say it was definitely a node. Iggy reported a wide range of variation in node dissolution time. Maybe even a couple of seconds is normal, what does he know? And she clearly never bothered to inform Twist about what to expect, so it’s not surprising that he wouldn’t know either. But three times in a row? That’s not in any report he’s read.

Twist screams, then whines again, hands curling up against his ribs. Ok, this is definitely not normal. He’s almost sure of it. Except how can he be sure about anything? For all that he’s studied the reports and Twist’s personal experience with it, they know next to nothing about this treatment. They need more information.

“Patches, uh, sweetheart, uh, I think… sumthin’s wrong. I don’ think this’s normal. ‘s all kinda a blur, and it’s hard ta tell when one thing stops an’ another starts. But I think it’s s’posed ta last longer ‘n that an’ I don’ think it starts again so fast. But maybe not? I… I don’-” Then the pain comes again. Then it leaves. Then again, and again, as they soon lose count. It’s not a completely regular pattern. Sometimes there are only seconds between bursts of pain, sometimes nearly a minute, but they never stop.

Not knowing when the next one will start is almost as bad as the pain itself. During the first of the longer pauses they both start to relax, thinking it might be over, before a wave of pain hits hard enough to briefly knock Twist unconscious until the next wave drags him back to awareness. Now he’s constantly tense, curled up in anticipation of the next wave even when they pause long enough for him to speak somewhat normally. Neither of them knows what to do.

“Dunno what’s happenin’. I don’… is sumthin’ wrong?” How’s Cash supposed to know? Everything’s wrong, but is this more wrong than normal?

“do you remember anything at all like this happening, or iggy mentioning anything? anything at all?”

“Dunno. Don’ think it’s done this before, don’t know hhhhhhg,” scrabbling at his ribs, one hand finds its way into his ribcage and gropes blindly for his soul. Cash grabs the hand before it does any damage, and Twist clings to him until the pain recedes.

“Thanks, sweetheart. Hate ta think what it’d do if I got ahold a my soul like that. ‘s just what I need shit,” his hand clamps down on Cash’s, claws digging into the joints. Cash yelps but he won’t pull away because he decided back in the lab that he won’t do that to Twist again and he still won’t. And what if Twist goes for his soul again? He’d shred it if he held it like he’s holding Cash’s hand, so Cash can’t pull away, but if it doesn’t stop soon Cash might end up with a few less fingers.

Twist’s eyes blink open then dart to where he’s crushing Cash’s hand, which he drops like a hot iron. “Sorry,” he moans, “so sorry darlin, didn’t mean ta, didn’ even realize.”

“it’s fine. i’m more concerned about you. what can i do to help you?”

“Dunno. Can’t… jus’ don’ touch me cause I can’t…” Is that because he doesn’t want to be touched or because he’s afraid of hurting Cash? And what’s happening? He’s only seen one example of a node dissolving; is this normal or has something gone wrong? Should he call Iggy? Hours after telling her off and taking Twist away to take care of him himself?

Twist’s back arches and he digs his claws into the bed. He falls back to the bed and pants in exhaustion, then tenses again and bangs his skull against the pillow hard enough that the bedframe shakes. Cash grabs his skull to stop him, but lets go when he moans and pulls away.

“stop that. you don’t need brain damage on top of everything else.” The headbanging doesn’t return, but this time Twist doesn’t relax at all as they wait for the next attack.

“Please don’ touch me. Don’ wanna hurt ya, sweetheart.”

“i’m not the one getting hurt here, idiot. just let me help you.”

“How? C’n ya make it stop?” Why does he have to sound so hopeful? Of course Cash can’t make it stop! Cash can’t do anything, and why did he ever think he could help with this? He doesn’t know anything about this treatment, and even if he gets all of Iggy’s reports, how does he know any of it applies in Twist’s case? Fucking idiot, signing himself up for a treatment that’s only been tested on monsters with half his LV. If Cash had to start caring about someone, why couldn’t it have been someone with a halfway-decent sense of self-preservation? And why can’t Twist have someone to look after him who has half a clue what he’s doing? Instead all he has is Cash.

Twist screams again, and then he’s reaching for his soul again, and there’s no way Cash is letting him do himself irreversible damage just because he’s a self-sacrificing idiot who thinks Cash is too fragile to hold his hand. He grabs the hand that’s trying to grab Twist’s soul and grits his teeth at the claws that inevitably find his joints, wiping the expression from his face when Twist’s eyes open so the idiot doesn’t decide he’s breaking Cash’s hand or something.

“So sorry, darlin’. Just please don’ touch me. Please? Don’ know what’s happenin’ an’ I don’ wanna hurt ya.”

“i’m not letting you hurt yourself. the worst you’ve done is scratch me. i think you’re pretty harmless at the moment.”

“But what if ’m not? This thing keeps lettin’ me get better in between so I’m stronger than ‘m s’posed ta be, an’ I keep fergettin’ that I gotta stay in control now, so I don’ know what I could do when I don’ know what I’m doin’.”

“what do you mean, you have to stay in control now? 

“Haven’t had ta worry ‘bout it since the medicine fucked me up too bad ta hurt anyone, but when it started I was a mess. ‘s part’a why Iggy had ta tie me up. Every time I got free, I did sumthin’ bad, even though she was jus’ tryna help me. Didn’t mean ta, but I kept doin’ it anyway, an’ I don’ wanna hurt ya, sweetheart.

“are you saying you want to be tied up again?”

“No! Or, or if this keeps goin’ on, maybe?” He shudders, but presses on. “It screws with my head, darlin’, it really… ghhhhhhhh, shit… really, really screws with my head, and I shouldn’t be able ta move by now, but I still can, so I don’ know what I’ll do, an’ the whole point was so I don’ hurt anyone but now I’m so fucked up I might anyway an’ I can’t-”

“are you trying to hurt me?”

“No! Sweetheart, no, I’m tryin’ not ta but I ferget an’-”

“then stop worrying about it. i’m not going to dust from a few accidental scratches. you will dust if you crush your own soul. i don’t know what’s happening to you, but you hurting me is the least of my concerns.”

“Ya don’ know that, darlin’. What if I ferget who ya are? I do that sometimes, an’ what if mmmmm…” he trails off in a moan and tries to pull his hand away from Cash. Tries and fails, of course, because he’s weak as a babybones and about as much of a threat as one, too, whatever he might think.

Cash holds onto Twist through several more short attacks, eventually holding onto both hands as Twist seems determined to get to his soul. The first time Twist regains awareness with both hands restrained, he panics, so Cash lets go. After that, Cash makes sure to keep away from his wrists and Twist stays calm. Having solved the immediate problem of keeping Twist from hurting himself, Cash turns his attention to the bigger problem of what’s happening to Twist. Unfortunately, he’s no closer to an answer, and a glance at the clock shows it’s been going on for nearly half an hour with no sign of ending. What would a sign even be? He doesn’t know enough about this, but he so doesn’t want to consult with Iggy.

Twist looks and sounds completely fried. He never relaxes for fear of the next attack, which come at random intervals and with random intensities. He’s stopped telling Cash not to touch him, and just looks guiltily at any new scratches that appear on his hands. Mostly, though, he stares at the ceiling. He’s done that far too much since the treatment started.

“Wish it’d stop.” That’s an understatement if Cash has ever heard one. He’s rarely felt more helpless.

“maybe i should call iggy.” He hates to even suggest it, especially when the breath catches in Twist’s ribcage and his socket widens in fear, but what if something is really wrong and he doesn’t know how to recognize it, or what if there’s something he should be doing, or-

“Ok.” Shit, Twist sounds so resigned. Why won’t he argue when he doesn’t like something? Is he resigned because he doesn’t want to see Iggy but agrees they need her help, or because he doesn’t want anything to do with her but doesn’t think Cash will listen to him any better than she did?

“i don’t trust her, but she knows more about this treatment than either of us, and this can’t continue.” Twist’s face falls, and he looks away with an expression of… guilt? Wait, why’s he guilty?

“Ok. Sorry.”

“what are you sorry for? you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Sorry ya went ta so much trouble ta get me outta there an’ it didn’t work.”

“it didn’t work? seems to me like it worked just fine, considering that this is your bedroom and not a lab.” He’s got to get better at interpreting Twist’s disconnected statements. There’s always something he needs to know in there, but it’s hard to find.

“Yeah but now ya gotta take me back.”

“what!?”

“Sorry, I know ‘m too hard ta take care of, I don’ blame ya an’ it was real nice ta be away from there fer awhile, but I already hurt ya an’ yer too nice ta tie me up an’ my self-control is shit an’ I’m too much trouble ta take care of and now there’s this new thing goin’ on an’ I don’ know what it is either so I know ya gotta take me back an’-”

“shut the fuck up. i’m not taking you back there. after everything she did, you think i’m going to just leave you there again? what kind of an asshole do you think i am?” Twist is stunned into silence.

“she did a terrible job of taking care of you. it was her job and she didn’t even try, and don’t give me that bullshit about it being your fault or it being worth it to get rid of your lv. she should have done better and there’s no excuse, and i will never leave you back in that lab. if i had a problem with anything you’ve done, i’d have said so. do i look like a pushover to you?”

Wide-eyed, Twist whispers, “no, but sweetheart…”

“but what?”

Twist briefly whimpers and shudders in pain, but then pushes through it. “Patches, I…” he clears his throat. “I don’t… but you said…”

“i said we should call her. to ask what’s going on. not to send you back. you’re not going back.”

“Oh.” His sockets close in relief. He actually thought Cash would take him back to that lab and leave him there. Cash honestly can’t decide if that says more about Twist’s non-existent sense of self-worth or his opinion of Cash. He knows he’s an ass, but does he really come off as the kind of person who would do that to his friend? Yeah, they’re friends. Just because he doesn’t advertise it to the whole world doesn’t mean he’s not attached to the idiot, and he thought the idiot knew that. On the other hand, he’s pretty sure Twist doesn’t consider himself to be worth much of anything to anyone, and the way that bitch kept blaming everything on him can’t have helped, so maybe he really did think sending him back there was something a reasonable person would do? What the hell is Cash supposed to do with that? He’s not the one to help someone else with their psychological problems. Even if it is Twist. Fuck he wants to be good enough to help Twist.

The attacks just keep coming. Twist is completely drained, and also terrified. He won’t say it, but he is. He’s constantly shaking, and stopped talking soon after the conversation about calling Iggy. He’s also getting weaker. Whereas at first a bad attack could leave deep scratches on Cash’s hands, now it barely causes Twist to tense. This can’t go on. Cash is calling Iggy.

Twist probably doesn’t have the strength or coordination to hurt himself anymore, so Cash gently lays his hands at his sides to go get his phone. Iggy answers on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“this is cash. i need information about twist’s treatment.”

“Oh good, I’m glad you called, because you left way too quickly and I didn’t get to tell you more than the bare minimum, which really isn’t enough for the condition he’s in. If you’d just bring him back by the lab I’ll look him over and give you some more thorough instructions for treatment and monitoring-”

“he’s not coming back to the lab except on the schedule we already agreed to. if you need to ‘look him over’ you can come here. right now, i need you to tell me whether what’s happening is a problem, and if it is, i need to know what to do about it.”

“That would be a lot easier in the lab-”

“he’s not going.”

“But if you’ll describe his symptoms, I’ll see what I can tell you.” Don’t piss her off. They need her help, so don’t piss her off, however much she pisses him off.

“it’s like some extremely shortened version of that attack i saw in the lab, only a few seconds at a time, but it’s been happening for the past,” he checks his watch, “40 minutes, with pauses between five seconds and one minute.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s definitely good you called me. It sounds like there’s a buildup of corrupted magic somewhere-”

“what?!”

“Oh, it’s not as bad as it sounds, don’t worry, it’s just a byproduct that his soul shouldn’t have any trouble dealing with, even in its current condition, except that it can build up in one area beyond what that part of the soul can deal with and start causing problems. It’s relatively rare, but I should’ve expected it with him because of the amount of LV we’re dealing with. It would normally clear on its own but it might have gotten concentrated enough to disrupt the primary mana flow, which would interfere with the normal repurification process.”

“and that’s what’s causing his symptoms?”

“Yeah, probably, I mean it would be easier to tell if I could see it in person and we won’t know for sure until you examine his soul for the dark spot where it’s built up, but it’s definitely the best explanation for what you’re describing. The concentrated corrupted magic tends to send shocks through the whole system, which probably feel a lot like a node dissolving because they follow the same mana pathways. You really should have called me earlier, that could be really dangerous.”

“how was i supposed to know that when you didn’t tell me?”

“This is why you shouldn’t have taken him out of the lab. You don’t know enough to recognize a problem and his high LV means he’s almost guaranteed to experience some problems that were rare in my other subjects.”

“then tell me what to look for, like you should have done when i told you i was taking him.”

“I’ll work on writing up a list of warning signs and what they might mean, but it’s hard to classify every possible problem, so it’s really best if you just call me whenever anything seems even slightly odd. It would be even better if you’d bring him back here where he’d be safe, but since you won’t do that, at least keep in phone contact.”

“fine, i’ve called you, and you’ve told me what the problem is. now what should i do about it?

“It’s pretty easy to fix as long as that’s what the problem actually is. You’ll just need to take out his soul and find the dark spot. If there isn’t one, you’re going to have to bring him in, because that means something else is wrong that I can’t diagnose over the phone, but if it’s there, you just need to massage the affected area to break up the corrupted magic and get his circulation going again. His soul should take care of the rest. It’ll be oversensitive so you might get a negative reaction. I’d say restrain him but you’d probably get all offended so at least get out of reach of his claws. You might not care about him clawing you but I bet you’ll care if he makes you drop his soul.”

“i’ll handle it.” Stars, she talks about souls like they’re just some random object, like anyone can just pick them up and fuck around with them and not like they’re something that shouldn’t be touched except under specific circumstances in the kind of relationship they do not have. He’s reminded of Twist’s minimal reaction when she switched him to the smaller monitor. It was like he’d been desensitized to having his soul screwed around with, probably because he had. Cash wants to kill her. He wants to kill her so badly, but they need her, and right now he’s wasting time.

“You’d better get on with it,” she echoes his thoughts. “He should be perfectly fine if you fix it soon, but if it goes on too long it will kill him.”

“what?!” That sounds like something she knows from experience, which means this has killed someone before. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. “why didn’t you tell me this could kill him?!”

“I thought it was obvious.”

“how could it be obvious when you were talking about it like some minor scientific curiosity?!”

“I was not! I was just giving you the facts – no, this is stupid. I’m not letting an argument kill my patient.” Now she’s going to act like the one trying to look out for Twist?! Where does she get off – no. She’s right about that, this is stupid, and it’s wasting time.

“so i need to get his soul and look for a dark spot? i’m putting you on speaker phone.”

“Yeah, it should show up pretty clearly against the color of his magic. Tell me when you’ve found it before you do anything; I want to make sure it is what I think it is. Actually, can you text me a picture?”

“sure.” Now he has to take out Twist’s soul. He knew he’d have to do something with it when he took over the treatment, but now that he has to actually take it, it seems horribly invasive. He’s not the kind of monster who would touch another monster’s soul without their permission. That’s just an absolutely disgusting thing to do. It’s different in a fight. That’s using magic against an opponent, not the same thing at all. Not that Twist is going to object to saving his life, but it still seems repugnant, especially with him barely conscious and unresponsive. Stars, if he’s not going to be able to agree to this then it would be easier if he was completely unconscious instead of vaguely staring in Cash’s direction and twitching every few seconds.

“Have you found it yet? Don’t tell me you’re getting squeamish. If you can’t do it, you’d better bring him back here right now because he’s not going to survive living with someone who’s afraid to touch his soul.”

“fuck off.” Twist isn’t going to die because Cash has developed a sudden, inconvenient respect for personal space. He reaches into Twist’s ribcage and forces himself to gently close his hand around Twist’s soul, a task made both easier and harder by the complete lack of a reaction from Twist. Taking care not to bump into any ribs or apply any unnecessary pressure whatsoever, he draws the soul into the open air and then cradles it in both open hands to examine it. Most of the surface is the same as the first time he saw it in the lab, off-colored and raw with pieces scooped out that he now knows are from however she scraped off all of the calcification to make injections easier. He has to turn it over to find what he’s looking for; a darkened area about the size of a penny. He takes a picture and sends it to Iggy, despite reservations that it’s probably not good to send around pictures of someone’s soul.

“if i find that all over the internet tomorrow, i’ll know who’s responsible.”

“Are you seriously implying that I’d post my patient’s medical information on the internet? What kind of doctor do you think I am?”

“a scientist, not a doctor, and it would fit in with the rest of your ethical standards. now what’s the diagnosis? is it what you thought it was?”

“Definitely, and it’s getting pretty bad, but we caught it in time. All you need to do is gently rub the discolored area until the discoloration goes away. It shouldn’t take long. Don’t press too hard because bruising will just make it worse.”

Fantastic. Now not only is he holding Twist’s soul without his permission while Twist stares at him blankly, he has to massage it. Could this get any worse? Well, yes, of course it could, he could stand around whining about it until Twist dies. That would be worse. So stop complaining and do what needs to be done.

“sorry, twisted, i’ll put it back as soon as i can.” Not that Twist seems likely to hear him, but Cash explains his actions just in case he can as he begins to rub the affected area. “i’m sure this feels strange. i’m not sure how much you heard of what iggy said, but the reason i’m doing this is to fix your magic circulation, which will make you feel better.”

“He can’t hear you. He’s got to be too far out of it by now.”

“you have no way of knowing whether that’s true, and i’d rather risk talking to someone who can’t hear me than him being aware enough to know someone is doing something to his soul but not knowing why.” She must not have a counter argument for that because she doesn’t respond. Cash never does see the negative reaction she warned him about, but then, Twist isn’t reacting to anything. 

Gradually, the color of the dark patch fades, at first diffusing into the surrounding area and then disappearing completely over the next couple of minutes. “i think the color is gone. i don’t see it anymore.”

“Good. He’s probably fine now. If it’s faded enough to no longer be visible then it’s at a low enough concentration that he should be able to deal with it. Is he conscious?”

“his eyes are open but he’s not reacting.”

“Any signs of more of those mini-attacks?”

“no, but i’m not sure he’d react to one if it happened at this point.”

“Hmm. He’s probably fine, but it’s hard to be sure while he’s unresponsive. Maybe hang on to his soul for a minute or two to keep an eye on the color, and then if nothing’s happened you can put it back. You shouldn’t need me unless something changes so I’m going to get back to work. Call me if the color changes again or if he has another mini-attack, or if anything else happens.”

“ok. when can i expect the more detailed set of care instructions and warning signs?”

“I’ll get it to you as soon as possible. Like I said, it’s hard to write everything out because so much of it is just things I recognize from experience, and he’s going to be different from the other research subjects anyway, but I’ll see what I can come up with. I really need to get back to work now, unless there’s anything else you need?”

“no, just get me that information.”

“As soon as possible, yep. Bye.” She hangs up, leaving Cash with nothing to do but sit staring at Twist’s soul in his hands. It’s not doing anything, but he’d hate to put it back too early and let the whole thing happen all over again. With the urgency gone from the situation, it has become incredibly awkward. He really hopes Twist is too out of it to know what’s happening and that he stays that way for a while longer.

Of course, he can’t have that kind of luck. Twist blinks at him, and then his blank stare turns to one of confusion.

“Hey, uh, watcha doin’, sweetheart?” The hoarse whisper makes heat rise in Cash’s cheekbones. No, no, absolutely not. This is all part of a medical treatment, nothing weird about it at all. Just act normal.

“there was a problem with your magic that disrupted its flow in your soul. i had to break it up manually to get it working again.”

“Oh, tha’s fine, then. Havin’ all sorts’a problems with my magic.” They both stare at each other for a moment. “C’n I have it back now?”

“huh? oh, yeah, here.” Cash returns Twist’s soul perhaps a little more quickly and less carefully than he would like, but Twist doesn’t seem to mind. He seems very relieved.

“Thanks, sweetheart. Yer always… yer so… thanks.” That sounds like more than thanks for ending an awkward situation. Why does he feel like he’s being thanked for giving it back at all? Twist is never going back to that lab. Except his agreement with Iggy was to bring him back once a week, so that’s not really possible. That’s for later, though. For now, focus on what Twist needs now.

“do you remember what happened?”

“Yeah, most’a it, at least. Not really sure what happened towards the end. Sorry ‘bout yer hands.”

“my hands are fine.” Actually, they sting pretty badly, but there’s no way he’s telling Twist that.

“Don’ look fine.”

“it’s just a few scratches, nothing to worry about.”

“If ya say so.” But he looks absolutely miserable about it. Why is he more upset about Cash’s hands than the fact that his own soul can randomly decide to torture him in new and creative ways that may or may not have the potential to kill him, with his only line of defense being Cash, who has no idea what he’s doing?

“i talked to iggy.”

“Kinda remember that. She told ya how ta fix me?”

“how fix this particular problem, at least. it seems there’s a lot she didn’t get around to telling us. she’s supposed to send more information soon.”

“Tha’s good. Be nice ta know wha’s happenin’ ta me sometimes.”

“you should already know what’s happening to you. she should have warned you about everything that could happen.”

“Not like I’da changed my mind, though. Ain’t gonna give up a cure just cuz’a sumthin’ like this.”

“but you could at least have known what to expect so things like this don’t hit you out of nowhere.”

“Probly woulda fergot, anyway. Pretty much had ta accept that I ain’t got a clue what’s happenin’ ta me most’a the time now. Ain’t so bad now I’m home.” He smiles reassuringly at Cash.

“would you stop trying to make me feel better?! you’re the one who’s hurt, not me. and stop justifying everything she does. she treated you terribly and you just keep repeating her excuses!”

“Eh, she’s as Fell as the rest’a us, an’ she never claimed ta be the motherly type. Ain’t none a us with clean hands, an’ I don’ expect ‘er ta make an exception fer me. I’ve got my cure an’ she kept me alive. ‘s ‘bout all I expected.”

“maybe you need higher expectations.”

“Could say the same fer you.” What the fuck is that suppose to mean? “Look, sweetheart, ‘m real tired. I think that kinda fried me. Think I could try ta get some sleep fer a while?” Cash takes a moment to actually look at Twist, and realizes that he looks as bad as he did in the lab. Shit, what’s he doing? He’s arguing with Twist after Twist just spent nearly an hour in agony, and now he’s keeping him awake when he might have a few minutes to actually rest.

“of course you can sleep. you don’t need my permission. just tell me to shut up if i’m keeping you awake.” That gets a weak smile in return. “do you want some water first?” It’s surprising that he’s doing this well without water.

“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks, darlin’.” He needs help holding the bottle, but gulps down the whole thing. Shit, has he been thirsty the whole time Cash was arguing with him? Why didn’t he say something?

“tell me when you’re that thirsty. don’t wait for me to ask or for a good time or whatever it is. it’s not that hard to get you water. you’re not making anything easier by ignoring what you need.”

“k. Jus’… we were busy talkin’.”

“we can talk after you’re not dying of thirst.”

“Wasn’t dying.”

“fine, when you’re not thirsty enough to drink a whole water bottle. and a few minutes ago you were dying, so maybe think about that the next time you decide to ignore what you need because you don’t think it’s important enough to inconvenience someone.”

“That ain’t got nothin’ ta do with bein’ thirsty. Shit like that comes outta nowhere, an’ there’s nothin’ we c’n do ‘bout it so-”

“we don’t know that. we don’t know what causes any of this, and we don’t know what might make the difference between shit that leaves you laughing about it a minute later and shit that leaves you dust. you can brush it off and claim it’s all worth it, but if I considered your death an acceptable outcome i’d have left you on the path you were on before i paid for this fucking project.”

“Aw, Patches. You were really worried, weren’t ya?”

“of course i was worried! there’s an experimental medicine dissolving parts of your soul, and you don’t seem to care! and neither does your doctor! and i’m the only one here to take care of you, and i can’t rely on you to tell me what you need, and i’m trying to figure it out but i don’t know what you need because this isn’t the kind of thing i do. so don’t tell me everything’s fine and don’t ignore what you need.”

“It jus’ don’t seem like that big a deal.”

“none of your problems are ever a big deal, are they? you just keep smiling like nothing’s wrong while secretly planning how to kill yourself when you can’t pretend everything is fine anymore, like you could somehow make it ok for you to just be gone and like you’re the one to decide that you don’t matter enough for anyone to put the slightest effort into keeping you around.”

“I didn’t want to! I jus’ couldn’ see how ta…”

“how to solve the whole problem yourself without letting anyone else realize how bad it was? how there could possibly ever be a solution to a problem that you knew people were already working on solving? what would have happened if i hadn’t found that list? i knew the lv project existed, but i’d never paid much attention to it because as far as i knew, everything was fine on the surface so we had plenty of time for someone else to figure it out. i didn’t know that you, of all people, were giving up.”

“I didn’ give up! Fuck, sweetheart, ya act like I was ‘bout ta off myself tamorrow! Ya think I wasn’ tryin’ ta hang on? I had a pretty good life goin’ fer myself, an’ I wasn’t in no hurry ta leave it. I toldja that. Jus’ didn’ want ta leave ever’thin’ up ta chance an’ risk waitin’ too long an’ doin’ sumthin’ I’d hate myself for. Jus’ wan’ed ta make sure I’d always be me! An’ it don’ matter now anyway, cause you fixed it! Stars, darlin’, ya fixed it, so sorry if I don’ seem too worried if things get a li’l painful er a li’l dang’rous, or even a lot painful an’ dang’rous, cause I’m gettin’ my whole life back an’ I don’ really care what happens in between.”

“but you’re still doing the same thing. you’re still pretending everything is fine when it’s not and ignoring what you need.”

“I’ve asked ya fer plenty’a things!”

“but you’ve also not asked me for plenty of things, and that’s a problem, because i don’t think you take problems seriously enough when they’re your problems. do you really think it causes me more trouble to pause our conversation and get you some water than it causes you to not have water when you’re thirsty enough to drink the whole bottle?”

“No, but, ‘s just… I dunno. Think ‘m too tired fer this, sweetheart. An’ that is sumthin’ I’m askin’ for. C’n I sleep now? Ya said I could.” Fuck. Now he’s kept Twist awake just to yell at him. This is why he shouldn’t try to take care of people. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. How does Twist do it when Cash is too caught up in his own bullshit to function? Not by yelling at him, that’s for sure.

“yes, you can sleep. sorry for keeping you awake.”

“Nah, ‘s fine. I know yer just worried. An’ maybe ya got a point, ‘bout askin fer things. Jus’ don’ wanna be too much trouble.”

“you’re not too much trouble. you’re plenty of trouble, but not because of asking for things, and do you know how much i just paid to keep you around? would i have done that if i thought you were too much trouble? have you ever known me to throw my money away?” That gets a smile. A small one, but it’s there.

“Nah, you never waste money. Can’t say I always see the point in what ya buy, but ya never throw it away.”

“then what does that say about you?”

“That there’s no accountin’ fer taste?” Cash glares. “Yeah, yeah, it means ya wanna keep me around. Ya ain’t gotta worry, sweetheart. I wanna keep me around too. Jus’ still comin’ ‘round ta the idea that that’s sumthin’ I c’n actually do.”

“well it is, and i don’t intend to let my investment go to waste, so i expect you to help out by telling me when you need something.”

“Ok. I really am tired, Patches. C’n I sleep now?”

“yes, go to sleep. are you comfortable? do you need anything else?”

“My blanket, maybe? Startin’ ta get cold.” Cash untangles the blanket from where it’s wrapped itself around Twist’s feet and lightly lays it over him. Twist snuggles up in the blanket, which is absolutely not at all adorable except somehow it is, and falls asleep. Cash brings an armchair over to the bed and settles in to keep watch.

chapter 13