#I’ve got like 10 other things I’m supposed to be writing but it’s fine

[cloudsandcrescents]

❖ BeChloe AU Prompt ❖

Beca had stopped loving him a long time ago…it didn’t make losing him any easier.

***

Chloe gave up everything for him…it wasn’t enough to make him stay.

***

In which Chloe and Beca learn that all secrets have there consequences. Secrets that nearly cost them everything. And, of these two tragedies, blooms something beautiful. Two hearts without a home, and yet, they are not alone.

Time heals most wounds while love heals others. 🌹

[coffeegnomee]

I wanted to write about how far Zam has come with his character for like a week now and now he’s acknowledged it himself so I finally grabbed all the quotes.

Let’s go down memory lane shall we? 

DAY 1 

24:00 “There’s a ghost that haunts my dreams [...] I see him in my sleep. He tells me to kill people. But I don’t want to kill anyone”

“I have to hold it in.. [...] I wish I had like horror sound effects to play and images of every lifesteal member dead and I could flash them across the screen” does that. 

ZAM: “*lights armadillo on fire* “give it a slow, painful death” PENTAR: “for someone against the whole idea of killing, you seem to have a gruesome way around killing things.” ZAM “I’m still me” [armadillo dies.] “I can only resist the urges so much [evil giggle]”

10:07:00 after Pentar kills him ���It’s not about being above anyone by not killing people, I would just prefer not to. Because last season I feel like I was.. Something else. And I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to be that again. You know?”

“Because it’s not supposed to be some morality, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of thing, you know? I don’t want to be on some like high horse. It’s more of like, I just don’t wanna let the demon out, you know, that type of thing”

Reflecting on the first two days, I wrote this about Zam: This season looks like an internal battle of his personal desire to complete a minecraft challenge™ (no kills) vs his desire to do lore and change his character multiple times. And I just don’t think the challenge wins long term. A challenge isn’t what makes him love lifesteal, it’s the lore. 

Day 4 7/9/24

1:01:05 “‘zam has no enemies’ no, it’s not that I have no enemies, it’s just that if I kill people, I’m going to become like a monster. Like way worse than anyone else on the server. You know? And I like don’t want that reputation if I’m like just peacefully building. [...] ‘oh bro’s scared to hurt others then?’ yup! [...] ‘bad things will happen…. (meep)’ yea last time I hurt someone, last time i tried to hurt someone, bad things happened. And i just… can’t do that again, you know?”

1:21:40 killing bogged in trial chamber. “It feels nice cutting things down, I don’t think I’ve been doing enough of this. [...] I’m going to kill all of you, I’m going to kill every single one of you. [...] is it weird to say that I’ve missed this? Even though ‘this’ is just cutting down a bunch of skeletons, just jumping up and down and left clicking [...]  [evil giggles (and not to anything in chat)] [...] my sword might say “im so sorry’ but I’m not sorry, I’m not even a little sorry right now” 

2:19:05 “”also Zam is emo’ (chips) “no i’m not! I’m so happy! I’m the happiest i've been in a long time. That’s why I have my nipple out. That’s not true why did i say that” 

4:04:50 Wemmbu killed Spoke. ZAM: “[opens statistics] it still says zero. It still says zero. It still says zero it still says zero. So I’m fine. I’m fine. Cause it still says zero.. [walks around base] I’m fine. It’s perfectly fine. ‘0 plants potted’ (arch) okay actually that’s what I got the clay for so.. Thank you for saying that actually, very convenient timing. [goes to shed to smelt] [blows out breath] I’m just gonna chop down trees. I’m just gonna chop down trees and I’m just gonna leave this group and I’m gonna chop down trees and I’m gonna have a fun time and nothing bad’s gonna happen. And everything’s gonna be a-okay [hannah logged on] I thought Mapicc logged on I cannot lie. Okay maybe I’m scared. [Mapicc logs on] [gasp, crouches] motherfucker. Motherfucker [under breath]”

Dies to Mapicc three times. 

5:26:00 is thinking about how he’s doing a character nobody else on lifesteal has done before. Puts on a lore song. “‘If there’s one thing you’ve been consistent in the last two seasons, it’s been steady in your morals until the end’ (chips) yea. But here’s the thing though [giggle] does it matter? Or like, what’s it called. Am I restricting myself? Do you guys think? Most definitely, right. And it’s like. I dunno, a big part of me feels like it would be nice to like, let go, and just like, join in on all the violence, and everything, and all that stuff. You know? Like it would be nice. It would be nice, I think. Maybe. Maybe not, I don't know… [evil giggle] ahhh. [long pause, arch in chat said ‘once you do it you can’t go back though’ he doesn’t read it out] [lore music cuts out] [very seriously] no that’s stupid. No. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. [blows breath] I’m not gonna let myself go as far as I did last season. I’m not gonna let myself do anything like that again [tehe giggle] [huffs out breath]”

5:28:18 “‘it was fun tho’ (chips) it was, but it was fun at the expense of others. It was fun… but it was damaging to the server.. It was. I dunno. I don’t think it’s who I want to be. I don’t think I was born to be…That. you know? I don’t know. I feel like that’s not who I am. I feel like that was never who I was.” 

7/13/24 end fight day 

~2:38:00 ZAM: “‘its not ok to kill people but it's ok to ask people really nicely to kill people you don't like’ I’m allowed to persuade people’s opinions, I think, and I can only do that when I’m really really mad. [...] But i dunno. [sigh] I’ve messaged both opposing teams so i dunno, I don’t care enough though. Whatever. This is beyond me."

“Joker zam went back into his closet’ (meep) that’s true. I was possessed for a second there. [messages MC chat saying that] ‘my evil self wishes for me to kill everyone. I won’t tho.' 

7/14/24 day he kills planet

Hour and half of Pangi messing with him while he gets more and more frustrated at the shulker farm. 

1:28:50 Zam flies after Pangi and crits him out, but he stops. “I can’t crit him out like that, I’m gonna get my first player kill and it’s gonna ruin all my lore” 

1:40:00 pangi is still singing, Zam bows him, then tries fishing rodding him. He comes up the farm PANGI: “hey PrinceZam, do you need therapy?” ZAM: “shut up you always got some noise to make, shut up. [...] I bet you’re my first kill this season” PANGI: “BAHAHAA” ZAM: “just kidding I won’t kill anyone. Just kidding. Just kidding just kidding. That was a joke. That was a joke. I won’t kill anyone. [blows out breath]” PANGI: “okay PrinceZam.” 

1:47:00 ZAM: “what the fuck just happened to me. Dude, I need to stop. He keeps, he keeps trying to get me to get my first kill, bro. He’s trying to get me to get my first kill. I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. It’s getting harder and harder, with each and every day, to hold back [sigh] oooh kay. ‘Why aren’t you killing anybody’ because as soon as I kill one person, I go down a dark dark path. And you don’t want to see that dark dark path. ‘WE DO’ I don’t. K fine, maybe you do. I don’t. A great darkness lurks within me. A great darkness lurks within me. It’s consumed me, ever since, ever since I was young. ‘Your dark side is banging on the door, let the poor guy in’ no. noo. I’m gonna build a closet in my house. ‘PLEASE DO IT’ where could I even, oh I know where I could actually build a closet right now, let’s do that right now actually hold on. Unironically lets do that right now” 

6:24:44 zam goes to bacon in his base, “Whenever I sleep, he comes to me. So i try not to sleep in that bed anymore” BACON: “[baffled] how did that even start. Like how did you even, what, how did this even become a thing in your head” ZAM: “[ignoring] there’s a demon in my closet, any time, any time I die he comes closer to possessing me.” BACON: “okay what is the demon trying to get you to do.” ZAM: “kill everyone” BACON: “oooohhh. Oh I like that. Okay okay” ` 

Then there’s the fated Bacon stream 

2:39:00 bacon and planet meme around about the build battle rules and Zam snaps, “if you want to be a bitch about it you don’t have to fucking play, goddamm. Dumbass fucking planetlord and baconnwaffles. I hate both of you. Fuck you guys. I’m going back into the house… i’m going into my closet” 

They clean up spawn a bit, he comes back out swinging at them. Then goes on top of the lighthouse and starts shooting them from a distance. 

Planet takes off all his armor and pops like a grape.

Then on Spep’s stream he stalks Spep around to the End islands, generally just looks really threatening. Says he won’t remember this when he wakes up, but Spep will. 

7/15/24 

~14:00 ZAM: “[strained] dude, pangi I killed planet” PANGI: “[strained too]I know. Hey, it wasn’t your fault” ZAM: “i shouldn’t have even had a bow” 

He builds the tree and writes his first oath 

In the first draft he wrote “I cannot do anything that goes against the interest of the entire server”

he changed “entire server” to “majority of players” to “most players” 

And changed “attack any player” because chat went crazy about him not being able to punch anyone, to “kill any other players” 

7/18/24 

Flame and mapicc start fighting

22:40 ZAM: “dude I did give mapicc a heads up there, I can’t lie. [realizing] I’ve been playing all sides, I can’t lie. This is interesting. I’m just chummy with everyone, I dunno, i don't do it intentionally. I do it a little intentionally, i can’t lie, but not like, intentionally”

33:20 ZAM: “I really don’t like the idea of playing both sides, but like, like- I’m trying my hardest not to, [...] Like if you shove 100 dollars in my face like I’m probably gonna take it right? Like like [giggling], it’s just like, ugh, it’s so stupid [laughing] i don’t like this. I don't know, I’m opportunist I guess. I’m just an opportunist I guess because I'm pacifist and I don't wanna die." So. But like also I really just don’t like the idea of being someone who plays both sides, it’s so awkward” while watching the fight from a distance. "

7/20/24 

From 2:43:00 to 3:15:00 hops between group chats and instinctively gets information and relays it to everyone else. Actually just leaks every word he hears lol. 

4:51:10 “imagine flame goes on a killing spree just so he can pay you to make more builds lol’ (citrus) dude. Is the blood on my hands then? That’s something I was wondering, what if this becomes bad. To where they’re like murdering people just for the sake of like, whats it called, paying me. ‘Yes you're evil then’ (sin) aw shit. It’s my fault. I mean I guess it depends on how bad it gets. I felt really bad when they killed jepex for me. I can’t lie, in the moment I thought it was really funny but looking back, it’s literally the same as like. Like I think me asking them to kill someone is the same as me killing them myself, it lowkey does not matter. So I’m lowkey like having another moral dilemma right there, on that one. ”

“I’m gonna stop asking people to fucking kill people for me that’s stupid, i don’t want to do that anymore”

This is so interesting, because day 1 he just wanted the statistic, and it was okay for him to do traps or gaslight people and all that. Then it was no traps, no violence. Then it was it’s okay to influence the opinions of people who already want to kill the people I want dead. Now it’s like, even that is not okay.

7/21/24 building Flame’s volcano in one day

45:00 [unprompted] “do you know something I was thinking of, which like, i just feel like it would be so easy to turn like, any tree, at spawn, into a trap. It would be so easy right? [...] I’m not gonna do it! Just like a fun idea. [..] [starts making the trap] but then it would make it real. I shouldn’t do this actually. I- i shouldn’t do this. This isn’t a good idea. Nevermind. Nevermind. [rubs face] Ooh my god, back to building back to building. I’m building I’m just building. [puffs out breath] I’m just building. I’m building a castle. I’m not why would I - why would i even make a [giggles] why did I even do that in the first place.” 

2:43:00 breaking the bedrock of the end fountain to make a concrete duper “i feel really good at this. Like too good at this. It’s just holding down q, it’s not that special. But fuck. ‘It’s in your blood’ I don't want to be the guy that left behind, that broke all that bedrock, you know? I don’t want that to be my legacy, I don't want that to be my reputation. I don’t want that to be what I leave behind. Aw geeze. [breaks last bedrock] oh my god. [frustrated] That was effortless”

7:31:30 “‘it’s ok you can blame all your blunders on the demon’ (seri) [lore] what if there was no demon. [not lore] new headcanon. Just me trying to justify my acts. [soft giggle] waittt.. [pause] thank goodness the demon is real, so. the demon is real. Only i can see him” 

8:23:00 crashout over not being “able” to defend himself.  “‘its okay zam we saw how you are at the end of every single season’ (citrus) yea, you guys have. The deep darkness that’s within me, [giggle] ugh. ‘They’ll see… one day’ (mer) I don’t want them to see, no, that’s the thing, i don’t want them to see. [..] It’s just like, like I Could fight, it’s just such a hassle, to like, get into it, and then not, you know. Cause like, okay, okay, here here, let’s envision it, lets say I do want to fight people, right? theoretically, but, I don’t want to let out the evil evil darkness that’s within me, right? How the hell am I gonna do that when I’m constantly taking fights, constantly losing, constantly getting overly attached, overly invested in conflict, like how am i gonna, how am I gonna contain the demon within, if I, what’s it called, if I, if I’m constantly getting myself into fights? You know? ‘Getting good’ (chips) no but like I’m being dead serious, like cause, what’s it called, eventually they’re gonna hit me in a way that is gonna make me want to go full force, there’s no point in trying to fight if I’m not gonna go 100% all in, you know? So. I dunno. Maybe if I get better at my self control and discipline” 

So there’s two things. One, “it’s a hassle” is classic burnout. And you just have to wait for burnout to leave. And two, he is very self aware that someone will do something that will make him get invested. But he won’t flip that switch until that happens because there is no point. Which is very valid and wise. 

It’s such an interesting conversation, because it’s the first time he hasn’t made breaking his oath into a silly lore moment. It’s really settling into being a real part of him. He’s being honest about what fighting would actually do.

10:36:00 talks to jumper about his pacifism and their parallels. He tells her about how he knows he’ll get too invested and he wont want to hold back. As opposed to being unable. 

7/24/24 

53:10 Zam goes to the trial chambers again “dude wait these slimes have strength, are they gonna kill me? Dude I wanted to feel something but now I’m just not feeling anything actually. I was, I was, I was expecting more of a challenge”

7/25/24 day 1 peace trials

16:30 “do you think SB737 is going to kill me if he finds me? His layer’s off, I think he ran away from spawn after that one. I could see him trying though. I’ve lowkey, dude, lowkey i've been wishing someone would kill me, unfortunately I did starve to death, so now I don’t wish someone would kill me anymore. But like, it’s just been sooo peaceful, building these past few days you know? Like i haven’t ran into any kind of metal peril in soooo long like that’s crazy you know. It’s been a hot minute.”

First time he talks about wanting to be chased. 

37:00 annoyed about SB butting him in D teir for how easy he would be killed.  “‘zam is the most aggressive pacifist’ yea! Cause I mean how else am I supposed to let my anger out other than with my words. I still have emotions. They're still there” 

7/29/24 

1:07:24 still ignoring Bacon “If I’m gonna be a pacifist and not kill people, I should be able to hold a grudge somehow” “my only fighting method” 

Plotting the shift in zam’s mindset is like making a color spectrum and it’s just ever so slightly gradient-ed and before you know it it’s just all red.

8/17/24 

58:00  MANE: “but think about how many hearts I’ve given you before Zam”  ASH: “WAIT. ZAm is accepting hearts from people That Kill? That’s not very peaceful of you zam. That goes against your oath. You’re just accepting heart that has, that puts blood on your hands. I’m not even joking about this” ZAM: “I-, I don’t. I don’t think it does.” ASH: “You’re benefiting from the spoils of the death that you claim to be so against”  Zam jumps away from the conversation at the same time. nervously? 

ZAM: “[calmly] if kills have already happened what am I supposed to do to stop it. I only care about myself not killing people” [parkouring over to the roof of the house] ASH: “You literally” ZAM: “not other people. The server can do whatever the fuck it wants. I don’t care” PANGI” aaahhhhh” ASH: “That’s the most. That’s the most selfish view” 

ZAM: “I learned from you! The best side to play is all sides, right? That’s what you said [...] hypocrytical as fuck” ASH: “I mean, I’m not claiming to be any good person, I’m just saying your whole oath and code of honor is” ZAM: “I’m not either. I’m trying to be a good person but, hey” PANGI: “You’re doing a really bad job I can tell you that, Zam” ZAM: “yea. [swings around to look at pangi] coming from you is crazy” 

1:03:00 “‘you’ve only done build commissions for incredibly violent people huh’ (arch) that is something to consider huh, am I [sharp breath in] let me put on the lore music hold on. Am I. and I, I don’t think I’m the worst person to- okay. No. you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because there are worse people on this server. So I’m not that bad by comparison [...] You know I’m doing better than I did last season [...] So I’m okay. I’m happy with my choices I feel like. I dunno. I mean like gaining, gaining hearts is not the worst thing in the world, it’s kind of like the point of the server is it not? I dunno. Hmmm ‘i mean violent people are the ones who have the hearts’ (citrus) exactly! Yea, my only, the only people I CAN do business with is the violent people”

“But by taking hearts from them am I not encouraging them to kill more? Yea, that’s something to consider as well, you know? Cause, but it’s like. Ugggghhh let me read through the oath again. ‘Are they killing other violent people or innocents’ (arch) that’s true! I mean. They kill innocents when they feel like killing innocents it depends on the person i’m dealing with. [...]  I can’t control what other people do. It’s not selfish [heavy emphasis. Meaning ashsawg’s comment] it’s just like, me controlling what I can control. You can only control, you should only worry about what you can control, and what I can control is limiting myself.”

“I mean shit. What do I even want these hearts for” 

“‘you got one kill’ ‘you killed planet’ okay okay okay you killed planet okay. I hate how many people are talking about that. [..]  ‘YOU CANNOT DENY IT ZAM’ yes I fucking can! Yes I fucking can! Because I shot at him as a fucking like bit, because was obviously never to kill him, and he took off all his fucking armor. I’ve been over it! I have been over it like a million times it’s insane! I gave back the heart too like what. [opens statistics] Like it doesn’t even count. [closes statistics] It does not count. ‘You’re still killing’ [mocking] you're still killing. Okay actual like bot opinion. Bot take. Actual bot take is what this is. Insane. Like actually insane. The fact that people are still on this is craaaazy like actually crazy. ‘PANGI HASN’T’ oohhhh that’s what this is about. That’s what this is about. That’s what this is about, it’s about pangi, and and pangi being better than me okay.” 

“That’s what this is about. It means nothing to me. Means nothing to me. I don’t care. PANGI LITERALLY- okay. Okay. okay. Okay. okay. Okay. okay. Okay. [giggle laugh] pangi is a pacifist because he wants to be. But that’s like. Dude, woogie 1 for 1 took my thing. Dude, it’s crazy how many people are pacifist why did everyone like take my thing I mean like the whole point is proof of concept is prove that it’s possible, right, but like heh heh. It’s also lame that other people are taking my thing. [more deranged leaning giggles] ‘everybody wants to be princezam.’ (mer) oh my god. “

8/19/24 

~1:11:00 found Mapicc in his base. MAPICC: “and i just like, when are you gonna kill people” ZAM: “pppffff [mocking/flabberghasted] ‘when are you going to kill people?’ [reduced to laughter] MAPCIC: ”mmhmm” ZAM: “I’m not!” MAPICC: “see that's so weird.” [...] ZAM: “you start critting me out I don’t fight back” MAPICC: “actually?” ZAM: “no like genuinely, yea” MPAICC: “wait. Okay [pots up and takes all armor off but helmet and boots]” 

1:34:00 “a little terrifying i can’t lie. it’s weird. I feel like after an encounter like that I’d have a teammate to go talk to about this. But there really isn't anyone like that this time around”

8/22/24 

3:30 about the mapicc infestation “It was a very interesting fight. Honestly one of my favorite fights of the season” 

19:40 “ohh ‘kaboodle the pacifist’ (evi4) Wait kaboodle the pacifist? Are we fucking serious. Yo. okay. Okay.  i’m not even going to say nothing bro. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m not. I’m not even [starting to laugh]  going to say nothing, bro [deep breath in and out] how come the one season. Like the one season, that i do it and it’s like interesting, everyone else decides to do it. In season 4 no one copied subz. Everyone made fun of him. But now, but now i do it and everyone wants to fucking be me okay. Okay. no okay. No okay. No like. Bro. [so sad] [...] ‘Everyone is just scared of the big pvp-ers’ (arch) that’s true. It’s not even. It’s not even like me. Oh my god. It’s not even because i’m cool. No it’s not even because of me, it’s just they don’t want to get killed”

27:00 kab asks if she can talk to zam and get advice “oh bet. Oh i love giving advice to my fellow pacifists. My favorite thing to do ever” /sarcastic

31:40 Woogie drops in “Zam is amazing at making people peaceful”

34:00 “if your goal is pacifism, then yea, he’s passing, but if your goal is to not get murdered by people then you probably shouldn’t be destroying other people’s builds, you know. That’s how you start wars” about pangi’s pacifism. 

Which is ALSO interesting. Because zam cares about not starting wars because he doesn't want to get emotionally pulled into a fight.

ZAM: “its like i’m in a skit. And like, as soon as i start questioning one character, and another character comes out and is like “ooh i’m also a remake of you!” what the fuck is happening” 

“You know what’s keeping me going is that i’ll probably outlast them” 

42:40 “is this a bad thing? Am i bad for not wanting them to be a, [laugh] to be peaceful like me? Is that a bad thing? I mean like, i feel like, uhg. But it’s like, they- [sharp breath in] what is- what have THEY gone through? To want this change” 

“Like kaboodle is doing it to save her skin. Woogie is doing it to save his skin, like. It’s very different i feel like. It’s just very different. I [whispers] oh  my god. [spins around] what did. What do they know! What do they know. Oh my god. Fuck damn. I think that’s why i’m upset. It’s not that like, [long pause] bruh.” 

“How can i rise about the rest. That's what i want to do now. That’s what I wanna do now. I want to rise above the rest. That’s what i’m thinking about right now, i’ll be honest. How do I [sharp breath in] [blows air out] like. This is-. [grumble] this is stupid. This is dumb. I shouldn't even think about this. You know what this is dumb."

48:00 “it’s not like a fun thing to do. Like. I- being a pacifist has been like, it’s it’s had its moments i guess. I dunno though. Definitely, i’ll admit it, not the most.. fun. But uh. Thats. that’s besides the point. That’s okay. That’s.. that’s fine [deep breath in and out]” 

“‘being a pacifist isn't for everyone, you have to truly believe in the rules and know your own limits so you can be pacifist’ (hexlarry) but like that’s the thing, do i even like, fully believe in it? Cause now i’m starting to question myself. I mean I did it not so that i could save my own skin. I did it so that i could, i dunno, just avoid repeating prior mistakes. And things like that. Sooo. because getting myself into fights would probably lead me down a very very dark path and i don't want to [sharp breath] i don't wanna do all that so by avoiding conflict at all costs I, I can, what’s it called, hmmm [spins around] fuck [princezam distress noises] [...] ‘has something changed’ i dunno. I’d hope not”

“‘it feels like they’re mocking you a little’ (evu) a little bit! I guess so. That’s kind of true as well honestly. I dunno. Hmmm, it’s very. Very interesting. Very interesting turn of events. I dunno. It’s not that i feel like it’s my thing. I feel like everyone should be allowed to do it, it just feels like the way that they’re doing it kind of is like, i guess it is, i dunno. It’s a little bit like.. Hmm yea ‘it’s an easy way out to them’ (arch) to them, to them it doesn't have any of the same significance it does to me. They're doing it because they want to live longer, they want to hold onto their hearts longer, i’m doing it because I like- i essentially need to- ugh. I dunno. I’m doing it- hrmmm. No, i’m doing it because… Because i want to. Because I want to. I want to. It’s my decision. I want to do it. I dunno [jumps around thinking for a while]” 

The last part is said in the same tone he used during the Abyss arc when his team wasn't logging on to help him.

“It’s not about what other people have done though. It’s about me upholding an oath i guess. Me.. avoiding [giggle] repeating mistakes and stuff. Umm. i dunno ‘it’s a conflict with myself’ (mer) exactly. It’s entirely. Entirely within me. And that was a situation that, admittedly, I had control over. I could have just not shot my bow at him. It’s a lesson learned i guess. But. I dunno. I- I just hate it. I hate it so much because that was not meant to happen at all. Like. it’s ridiculous. Its just ridiculous i feel like. I dunno. ‘Bro is still talking about this’ yea because I care about it.”

8/23/24

5:38:00  WEMMBU: “you’re profiting off the economy of people being murdered” ZAM: “I don’t know if that’s true at all even. That’s just. [trying to talk while wemmbu is talking over him] Anyone who lives on this server is profiting off the economy bro. I don't know what you’re talking about. [...] That that’s like breathing air on this server is benefitting form the economy bro” WEMMBU: “and you’re the one that’s saying you’re and innocent soul bruh” ZAM: “i’m, somewhat innocent. I’m innocent to the point where I won’t lure someone to spawn so you guys can kill them. That's how innocent I am” WEMMBU: “wah wahh wah” 

And he leaves the group

ZAM: “Get me the fuck out of here. I simply participate in society. All i do is live and breathe air and try to live an honest to god living.”

~5:51:00 “‘Oh so you agree you’d be responsible in that scenario’ (arch) yea! If he’s going out of his way to kill people For That [the build he wanted to commission], like to pay For That, I feel like yea, I feel like then I’m definitely responsible. [...] But mane, flame, mapicc, they already have the hearts, I know they withdrew them from their hotbar, they did in front of me, it did the sound. So, yea. And flame just had a heart bank that he went and grabbed. So. yea no, those hearts were already acquired. They were, like, those kills happened, it’s over. It’s good.” 

8/24/24

2:13:00 “that was interesting. What a day. I almost hopped into a fight. Probably wont do it again, that was a one time offer. But. i dunno. I was willing to die for a cause. I wasn’t going to hit him.” 

“Maybe i faltered. Did I falter? By willing to fight? I wouldn’t hit him. I don’t think. Maybe I’d hit him. I don’t- [scoff] would it be fine as long as i don't kill him?” “it’s my rules” 

“Yea mapicc did get really excited when i mentioned pvp. That was really interesting. That was cool. I do have no critting yea. Hmmm. i dunno. I did just want to support my friend flame ‘you're just helping out a friend i think thats in the servers best interests’ (arch) that’s true. Yea. if i, i dunno, cause like the main goal is to just work in the server’s best interests. And i guess in that situation that, specific, little situation, fighting flame was actually in everyone, everyone who’s online’s best interests. Ironically. So yea. Despite it normally being the wrong answer, violence was kind of the answer to fixing that problem there. ” 

2:18:00  “I’m worried though. Like I feel like the lack of violence encourages me to like, i dunno” 

“I think people should be more violent, i think that’s fair, that’s what this server is about. I haven't changed my stance on that, the server is about killing people. It’s not about [giggle] the atrocities I’ve committed, that’s for sure” 

“‘That’s not very pacifist I mean’ like that’s whatever, it’s princezam then. It doesn’t matter. Pacifist is just the moniker I chose, but if it’s not fitting it’s not fitting. I’m doing whatever I believe” 

“‘the blowing up builds and killing weaklings was your more problem. not your violence inherently’ (arch) exactly. And unfortunately I feel like with any sort of violence [tsht] unfortunately all paths lead to that road. You know? Everything will just eventually get me there. I think it’s better to swear it off, you know. It’s just, It’s just for the better”

Flame blows up spawn.

2:52:00 “And my heart count too. I was trying to get to 20 but like - what does that even do, what is that even good for, if i can't do anythin- if i’m powerless to stuff like this, if i’m powerless to this. This. Like what’s the point, even like what’s-... I feel like everything I’ve done is just like actually completely futile now. Like, none of it matters. NONE of it matters, not even a little, if other people are just going to take up the mantle. What like, what’s the POINT?... I don't get it. I mean holding out, not giving in, despite all of this, would prove me as a way stronger player than him, but WHAT GOOD DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH. SO WHAT?! Like, he’s just going to do this again, like why does it matter? Why does it even matter? What the- what does moral highground get me? What does moral high ground even get me. Why did i think this was even a good idea even a little bit, [so loud] OH MY GOD. [pause] ‘It doesn't even mean anything to anyone but me’ (arch) exactly. This. oh my god. It’s not just to myself though (arch) it’s ahhh Fuck. It’s supposed to make up for everything I did- For just everything I did in general really. That’s what it’s supposed to be, but, like ah, does anyone care really? Does anyone care? Other than me? At this point I don't think so. There’s bigger problems. ‘Spawn looked the best this season’ it did. It really did. It really really did. It really did. [tabs out for a long time, just silent] i can't’ believe this. I can’t believe this. [sigh] oh my god. [leaning head back] Dude. and like. Oh my god. Yea no one is going to do anything that’s true. The fact of the matter is [laughing as talking] no one is going to do anything about this. Because no one cares. And that’s what he’s going to realize. [...] That’s all fine to me, it doesn't matter. It doesn’t matter. This is definitely the furthest I’ve wavered, on this path of mine. Dear god. [blows out breath] and i was the only one here to do anything about it oh my god [silence] ‘they did call me ground zero’ [puts head in hands while reading it] is it my fault? Is it my- wait you’re right. [breathing heavily] it kind of in a, in a weird, fucked up twisted way, it kind of is my fault. Because my stupid pacifism stuff it it spiraled out of control and got to woogie, got to pangi, it’s it’s like [grrr grumble] (all of chat is screaming that it isn't his fault.) I, oh my god. Oh my god. Dude like. I actually feel so dumb. I feel like I’ve wasted the past month or two. I’ve actually just feel like I’ve been wasting my time. Like, like none of that matters. Actually none of that matters, I feel like, anymore. And like, because I did all that, everyone else copied me. Everyone copied me, they were right! No, they were right. That’s the messed up part of this, is that they’re Right. And that they probably will get a fight out of this, that’s the Fucked up part of this” 

3:04:00 “If I fight them I give them exactly what they want. It’s so fucked up. There’s no, there's no winning option here. There’s nothing I can do to win” 

Realizes he can just rebuild. Rejuvenated in one second flat. 

“Do I just keep rebuilding it over and over? [...]  But I don’t care! I’m not giving up. I don't care, I don't care!” “this is literally what I do. What am I tripping for? This is literally what I do”

3:35:30 “I feel like most people would not have the mental fortitude to experience what I just experienced and then Not Fight. Like that is an absurd thing to do. But it’s a me thing to do. So” 

3:37:00 “i know i don't have all of my screws together, but i definitely, i think i could win a battle of mental fortitude if I wanted”

Talks to everyone and forms Gaia’s Hand

5:46:00 wrapping up stream along “dude I know like, i’m real confident and real happy and shit, but I , I am terrified. I am terrified [stares into a big cave thinking] i dunno. I'm not gonna second guess myself but. It’s just- it’s a scary battle. It’s a very scary battle. I dunno”

“Mean, I’m not alone. That's true. That definitely helps [...] I feel like the last time I spent a lot of time repairing spawn it didn't end too well. Lowkey that’s when everything went horribly wrong, actually. i feel like it’s just been downhill since there.”

“I am doing this to spite flame, but at the same time the thing I care about the most is just having the server where spawn can't just get destroyed. I dunno. That’s what I care about the most”

5:53:40 “‘you and your attachments to spawn’ (seri) [wistful] it’s, it’s the heart of the server. It’s the heart of the server. And, i dunno, I can’t, i can’t help myself but protect it. In every way that I can. I dunno. It’s just in my nature. Which is ironic, considering the atrocities I’ve committed.” 

8/29/24

44:30 “support the people trying to ban them and the builds won’t get destroyed anymore’ (chips) that’s true. But do the ends justify the means? Like sure I will get spawn builds being safe, but I’m, I also am taking some part in someone getting banned off the server. which, i dunno. I feel like i don't want to be a part of” 

45:00 “Is it for the greater good, or it for my greater good. It has to be objective, it can’t be a skewed biased point of view” 

1:05:20 “i can only control myself, and only the small few who have joined me” “kaboodle and woogie” “Ironically they’re truly the only ones who are part of gaia’s hand”

Week long break for MMCR

9/9/24

11:40 ZAM: “I’ve kind of realigned my look on the server [...] Everyone’s goal goes back to, like, killing. So I feel like if I help anyone I’m like sort of contributing to the violence on the server, which is something I- which I can’t prevent obviously but it’s not also something I’d like to contribute to. The whole point is I don't want to contribute to violence and you know, kill people I guess. I dunno” 

How far princezam has come. It was never about actual pacifism… except now it is. He truly is a pacifist now. He used to be a bad pacifist and now he’s just a pacifist for real. How interesting. 

19:00 “That’s just the spite and hatred in my heart. I’m full of hatred recently, that’s something i’ve noticed as well. Definitely something i’ve noticed” 

44:00 “I feel like nothing accomplishes anything. I feel like anything I would do would just make things worse. I dunno. Maybe that’s just me though. Maybe that's just me and the way I feel. I dunno” 

“I just want to win. You know? But how do I go about that even? There’s nothing to win against."

~1:27:00 “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” “interesting phrase considering the circumstance I’m in. [...] yea i mean violence is good to those who love it. I’m just unfortunately not one of those people. At least at the moment. [pause] Well I wouldn't say at the moment actually. I would say I’m not one of those people. For sure. Used to be. Not anymore.” 

1:53:00  “when i think of goals, the first thing that comes to mind is like, laying in a field of flowers. That’s what I want to do. That’s what I want to do. I dunno”

9/11/24

~40:00 “it makes me question what my path is, cause i’m not, i’m not i’m not i’m not  i’m not a killer or anything at least i don't want to kill anyone, i don't want to be doing that. Soo where does that leave me?  What am I gonna do, what am I princezam gonna do.” 

[heloflor]

So this was supposed to be part of my other fop post but it got way too long (both posts did tbh) and is a different topic than the other one. So yeah here’s a bunch of random thoughts about the show in general from what I’ve seen of it. For context I’ve only seen the first 4-5 episodes + “Battle of the Dimmsonian” + the Cosmo-Wanda-Peri scenes in “Lost in Fairy World” and “Operation: Birthday Takeback”.

SPOILERS for “Operation: Birthday Takeback” for the last three dashes (2.4k words below):

- Putting it in first since it’s still related to Peri but I’m pretty amused by the whole “Tumblr sexyman” situation. I mean, less than two weeks ago all canon pics we had of him were baby pics. It’s the same deal when I see people call him a father figure to Dev, I can’t help but be like “wdym father figure? He’s barely an adult! He’s too young!”

It’s like imagine you have a neighbor who have a baby when you’re 9-10, then they move out and 20 years later you meet their kid as an adult. You can clearly tell they’re an adult and treat them as such but also it’s a bit weird bc your last and only memories of them were of a baby. Idk, I see Peri’s character as an adult but also he’s still a bit of a kid, you know? I feel like I explain this better in the other post tbh.

- In retrospect it’s also very funny to see how, when people talk about the decline of fop, they point at the inclusion of the new characters, including Poof. Yet look where we are now! If you thought the baby was the problem, apologize to him, now! /j

But yeah more seriously, personally I never minded Poof. He was definitely a useless addition, like outside of the handful of episodes focused on him he mostly just stands there looking at the other characters, but he was also a cute baby, so I’ve always been fine with him being around. He’s a useless but inoffensive addition, and I think the decline of the show around that time had less to do with him and more to do with the writing as a whole.

- Last thing about Peri before moving on to the show in general, which tbh I could've put in the other post: I've seen people talk about the idea of Hazel and Dev switching fairies and I kind of agree with it.

Not only because Cosmo and Wanda have the experience needed to help a kid like Dev (though it wouldn't be all sunshine and rainbows) while Hazel's situation is easier for Peri, but also it's worth noting that Dev needs a parental figure, which Cosmo and Wanda can be, while Hazel misses her older brother, who Peri is around the same age of. Idk, I feel like this could work, or at least make things easier for everyone involved (but also especially for Dev).

- Something I originally wanted to put in the tags of the other post but fuck it: I’m really not a fan of them releasing the episodes so soon one after the other. With serialized shows, I’m always been more of a fan of having an episode a week you can chew on and theorize about, rather than being given everything at once. Also it takes a while for the cargo to get on the ships if you catch my drift.

I’d also complain about seeing all those plot-related episodes one after the other with none of the more casual stories in-between that give us more character moments, but honestly that’s on me for looking up spoilers.

- Going to the early show, I think the first episode is such a good introduction! I especially like the amount of focus on Cosmo and Wanda, it’s good to have them reintroduced given how flanderized they became in the og show. I’m especially happy with Cosmo! He arguably had it worse than Wanda in the og and it’s so good to see him shine this much in this first episode (also I love his human form having a bit of a gut)! On that note, they did a fantastic job having them around a lot while still giving Hazel enough time to be introduced properly and get us to care about her as the MC!

But yeah I really like this first episode, fantastic beginning to the show! The only issue I “really” have with it is the way Cosmo and Wanda go back to being godparents just because Hazel made a strong enough wish or something, it felt a bit arbitrary rather than them just telling her who they are.

And on that note, big fan of that one scene where they immediately notice her trying to run away and try to talk her out of it. I love the contrast between them starting off as disasters being barely capable of passing off as humans at the beginning of the episode, and them being perfectly in their element the second they start talking to Hazel about her running away in this scene. It’s such a good way to see how much experience they have with taking care of kids!

- I’m not going to go episode by episode but one thing that bothers me a lot in the second one is that rule of “kids should get whatever they wish for”. Doesn’t that...go against the whole concept of having rules in the first place???

They should’ve replaced it with something along the lines of “a kid should always get the fairy that fits them the best”, not only bc it would work perfectly well for the episode, but also from what I’ve heard Foop (now Irep) is coming back and I could 100% see him use that rule to his advantage given Peri and Dev were such a bad match (I’m guessing anti-fairies don’t actually follow Da Rules but maybe they could still use it as an excuse regardless since fairies do have to follow them or something?)

- Call we talk about the fact Hazel is clearly autistic? Like is this a canon thing in the show? Are there people out there talking about it? No because seriously:

The fidget toys (Cosmo and Wanda’s disguises), her special interest for rocks, her anxiety over making new friends which is reinforced as uncommon when that one girl she befriends comments on how easy and not scary it is to approach other people (also Hazel’s “what am I supposed to talk about with them? School lunches?” comment in the teachers friend episode), her liking for fries which could be seen as her being potentially picky (bit of a stretch tho), her comment about liking the DMV if only for the reaction she gets that makes her seem “different”, her struggles to come up with a wish on the fly with minimal/vague instructions (episode 2), her character arc throughout the show apparently having to do with her not wanting things to change (me too girl), her being considered mature for her age, the angry outbursts when things don’t go how she hoped, pretty sure there’s also a lot of stimming that I have yet to pick up on (see if any of them repeat often). Like, there’s no way ALL of that was a coincidence!

I’d also like to mention at the beginning of the Dino episode, when her dad is explaining things to her, he starts talking louder and louder in excitement until his wife tells him to quiet down. Makes me think her dad’s likely neurodivergent as well. Also this moment hurts my soul a bit, as someone who’s both been on the receiving end of it and done it to someone else, in both cases it sucks.: /

- Took me until like episode 4 to realize the town she lives in is named after the Dimmadomes, with the hat in it (the very first shot of the intro). Also you can see their infinite house in the background, both in that shot and the show in general, and I absolutely adore that they committed so hard to this joke! That giant ambiguously-shaped-like-a-hat skyscraper that we never see the top of is just *chief kiss*.

- On that note Dev’s introduction in the first episode made me laugh, if only for the references. I also find it kinda funny he has such a big speaking role considering he doesn’t do anything for the rest of the pilot and the next few episodes. Then again I guess it’s in character for him to make such a show of introducing himself.

- Still on general stuff, I’m a bit curious about how the timeline went in regards to Cosmo and Wanda retiring and going on vacation “right after” Timmy (iirc they don’t voice it like that in the show). Like I’m having a hard time believing they would just ditch their then-child son to go on vacation, and then come back when he’s an adult. So I ended up having a bunch of headcanons.

Basically, after leaving Timmy they do take what was supposed to be a short leave to think of their future since it feels strange to get a new kid after so long with the same one + I like the idea that Cosmo and Wanda’s marriage did suffer while living with Timmy and they want to work on it before getting a new kid (the whole thing about them feeling confined, made worse if the “stopping time for 50 years” wish is canon) + Poof/Peri is struggling with the reality of having to leave Timmy behind and is nervous about his parents having a new godkid because of it.

Eventually they decide to retire, got to marriage counseling, possibly get Poof/Peri into therapy, and raise their son until he’s an older teen/young adult, at which point they leave for their vacation. And while the vacation is 10 thousand years for them, it’s like, 5 years at max in their present. And in that meantime, Peri starts his godparents studies (or however it works), leaves the house and changes his name.

Btw Cosmo and Wanda would 100% invite him to the vacation, he’d just refuse in a mix between wanting to be away from his parents for once, wanting to maybe surprise them a bit with his work and/or just get started with work, and not knowing how long the vacation would be. He’d also probably tell them to just use this time as some new honeymoon to finish rebuilding their marriage (though by that point it must’ve gone back to being strong). Oh and Cosmo and Wanda would send Peri postcards every so often, which would also let him know how long they’ve been gone.

Once they come back from vacation, I’d imagine there’s like less than a month between them “moving to the human world” and meeting Hazel, hence why they didn’t reconnect with Peri. They didn’t really know how to contact him and were busy with the move, and afterwards they had a godkid to take care of so they couldn’t exactly go back to Fairyworld.

As for Peri, he hears through the gravepine that his parents are back, and would be happy until he realizes they’ve been gone for 10 thousand years, hence him freaking out about meeting them again (he doesn’t know how much they might’ve changed with how long it’s been). Also he can’t contact them bc he’d hear about them coming back due to them taking in Hazel, meaning they’re in the human world and he doesn’t know where. Also he might be intimidated to contact them, which doesn’t help his decision-making.

So yeah, that’s all for how I could imagine this whole vacation thing going and how it fits with them having a child.

- Since I’m talking about Cosmo and Wanda’s marriage, I’ve heard about the whole “they fixed their marriage” before watching the show and oh my god I can’t get over how fucking adorable those two are in this show!!! I fucking love them.

- And on that note I’m incredibly amused that this show had the balls to reference the mpreg. Twice. Especially since it doesn’t even specify the whole “that’s just how fairies work”! In the eyes of people who never watched the og show, “A New Wish” just casually dropped the fact that Cosmo’s a trans man (bc let’s be real, how else are you supposed to interpret those lines if you haven’t watched the og show?) or you get the vibe that the writers wanted to make him trans (+ Wanda by proxy since she’s Peri’s bio mom) but weren’t allowed so that’s how they got past the censors.

And I love this because you just know Hartman would be furious about it! With our current society more aware of trans people and how men can in fact get pregnant, I could definitely see him sweep the whole mpreg thing under the rug, hoping people would forget about his “”accidentally-progressive”” (and also very sexist 😒) episode, but nope! New show said Cosmo was pregnant and gave birth! And better yet it didn’t even elaborate further! It just goes “btw this guy has an uterus and was once pregnant, here’s his bio child if you need more proof” and then walks on like nothing happened, I love it!

- Going back to the episodes talk for the last three dashes, there’s that shot at the very end of “Operation: Birthday Takeback” that I really dislike. It’s the one when Dev lashes out on Peri, with him hovering over Peri who’s laying on the ground in fear.

Really not a big fan of this shot bc 1. It makes Dev look way too much like a villain, especially with the way Peri’s laying like a servant that gets beaten up, and 2. Peri, honey, you’re a grown ass man; why are you so scared of that 10 years old scarred kid that’s lashing out while in a very vulnerable mental state? What are you doing on the ground buddy? I’m not asking for him to fight back but at least stand up! Don’t act like that kid can actually hurt you! Btw I’m completely fine with Peri afterwards looking like a dejected puppy (after Dev makes his wish), it’s just that one shot with him on the ground that I dislike.

- Obviously I’m genuinely curious to see how things are going to go in the next episodes (which apparently air tonight?). Like obviously Dev is going to spiral but if you have a scene at school how will it go? How will Hazel feel about the whole thing? What about Peri? Is he going to be gone for a few episodes? Be a temporary third fairy to Hazel? Crash at Cosmo and Wanda’s for a while?

(Personally I’m hoping for the third option, it would be a good way to still give him appearances to show the main plot’s still going without giving him to much screentime, which could take away from Hazel. Also given how much he wants to appear independent, I don’t see him being a third fairy to her, though I think he’d be ok with staying at his parents for a bit, if only for emotional support (though tbh I doubt they’ll do that, most likely he’ll be doing his own thing off-screen for an episode or two). Also I want to see a “human” design for him)

OK so I wrote this yesterday before the Irep episode came out, so on one hand nevermind all that but on the other hand I’m letting it in bc I AM curious as to how things are going to evolve with our main cast, especially with Dev spiraling and pushing both his bestie and fairy away.

- Btw is nobody going to talk about how Vicky’s dress might be a reference to one of the “Oh Yeah” shorts?

- VERY LAST SECOND ADDITION, SPOILERS FOR IREP: So yesterday before I finished both this and the other post the new episodes dropped, with a few clips shared on Tumblr. And OH MY GOD IREP’S DESIGN!!! The fact that they kept him as a cube makes me so happy!!! I was HOPING at least ONE part of him would be a cube and they delivered!!! He looks like absolulte dogshit I love it!!! Bc yeah for some reason I remember Foop as a character you’re not supposed to take seriously at all? And as a result I really like how stupid Irep looks. A+ design right there! /gen

[wompwompwrote]

Conflicted

Sooooo this is my first time writing fan fiction so I'm sorry if it's awful!!!!

Warnings: None <3

WC: 616 (Teeny Tiny.)

I'll probs write a part two!

----------------

Megumi does not like you. 

You’re absolutely aggravating. The way you speak, your mannerisms, even the way you breathe– just gets under his skin. Honestly, he doesn’t understand how you’re so beloved to everyone! You're apparently everyone’s best friend, yet how can they not see how irritating you are?

What’s even more troublesome, is that you’re constantly on his mind. Only because he hates you, not any other reason of course! When he reveals this to Yuuji, the response he gets is far from the one he expected. 

———— 

“Honestly dude, it sounds like you have a crush.” Yuuji shrugs, not giving much thought to Megumi’s predicament.

This leaves Megumi reeling. A crush? On her? Absolutely not. 

“No. There’s no way dumbass. You guys just don’t notice how fucking irritating she is because she’s got you all wrapped around her stupid little finger.”

Yuuji looks up from his phone, staring Megumi down. 

“Listen dude, literally no one here has ever had an issue with her. This really does sound like a you problem. All of the things you listed that are “wrong” about her just sounds like you’re looking for reasons to hate her.” Yuuji sighs, hoping that he can knock some sense into Megumi’s thick skull. 

“I agree with Yuuji!”

Megumi’s head whips around, only to spot Nobara standing in the doorway, hands full with plastic bags containing chinese take out.

“How much did you hear?” He cringes, awaiting her answer. 

“Just about everything! You’ve got some serious issues, Megs. Y/N’s the lovelist, prettiest, and coolest gal ever.” Nobara lets out a huff as she sets the bags down. Yuuji greedily snatches one of the bags, dodging Nobara’s trying to swat him away. 

“Oh! I have a perfect idea! Why don’t we invite Y/N over to eat with us?” Nobara squeals, and Megumi believes the universe may actually be against him. 

“If you invite her, I’ll leave.”

“Oh, shush Megumi!” She throws her hands up, annoyed with her friend’s behavior. 

Cheeks flaring red, Megumi slinks out of Yuuji's room. He was on a mission to forget his conversation with Yuuji even happened. Unfortunately, as he sulks off to his own room, he runs into his most hated foe– Y/N. 

“Oh hi, ‘Gumi! I haven’t seen you around recently! How are you?” Y/N asks while a bright smile on her face, eyes shining, teeth gleaming. Looking at her made Megumi’s throat constrict, for reasons of annoyance, certainly. 

“I’m well.” He chokes out. He swiftly moves around her, attempting to go to his own room. However, before he could go any farther, a hand clamped down on his wrist prevented him from doing so. 

“So– I have a question. Could we train together some time? I-it’s just that I think you’d be a great sparring partner and we haven’t actually sparred together before so I just think it would be…productive? Also, I’ve sparred with literally everyone here before except you and I don’t want you to think I’m avoiding you and oh my gosh I’m so sorry I’m rambling!” To save herself from embarrassment, Y/N hides her face and burning cheeks in her hands. 

Her rant leaves Megumi speechless. He didn’t know what to say, but he supposed he should say yes, but only because it would be productive to spar with her. 

“Fine.”

Y/N claps and smiles widely. “Yay! How does 10 AM tomorrow sound? Perfect? Perfect! It’s a date!” After establishing what time they’d be meeting, Y/N bounces away to Nobara’s room. 

“Um- Nobara isn’t in her room, she’s in Yuuji’s.”

“Oh, Thanks! See ya tomorrow, ‘Gumi!”  

 Megumi is left feeling conflicted, and weirdly nervous for the day ahead.

[spoonsock]

Starbucks love

Gwen Stacy x reader

Synopsis: Ever wondered what would the one and only Spider Gwen order from Starbucks? Me neither but take this anyway.

Warnings: Idk none I think. Not proofread. Writing this at 2am no joke what is wrong with me. Also DUDE. This is kinda similar to Intruder like wtf am I really that not creative. 😭

Also, fun fact, I’ve never been to Starbucks so if I got something wrong pls lemme know.

You didn’t really mind having a part time job at Starbucks. It wasn’t that bad. All you had to do was take orders, make them, write names on cups with your best handwriting. Sometimes kick customers out. Sometimes maybe serve Spider-woman.

Yup that’s right. It all started yesterday.

It was supposed to be a normal day. You clocked in early and mentally prepared yourself for what awaits you ‘cause you never know what might happen. God, what a good decision it was to say a few positive words before the day started.

Around 10 AM, the shop is not even that filled with people yet, three guys barge in, all of them with a gun in their hands. One of them points the gun at you and then at the register, while the other two guys walk around the people sitting at their tables.

“You empty that thing right now or Imma blow your brains out”. The guy says pointing a gun at your face and you freeze. You don’t move an inch, just stare right at him. Your eyes are not wide, you are not hyperventilating or anything. You are panicking, but not showing any signs of it.

The more you stare at the guy, the more impatient he grows. “What are you? Deaf? I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t take the damn money out this fucking moment”.

As soon as he finishes his sentence, the door of the shop slams open and (literally) twirling in comes, the one and only, Spider-woman. The armed men immediately turn to her and point their guns, but she slouches and puts her hands on her hips, looking at them unfazed.

“Seriously, you guys aren’t gonna make this easy for me, are you?”, Gwen asks and receives no answer. “…Alright then”

Before you can even blink, she hits one of the guys in the face, grabbing his gun and throwing it at the other guy. You watch as the the third guy tries to throw a punch at her face but narrowly misses and she succeeds to grab his arm and twist it, before kicking him in the stomach. She easily webs all three of the unconscious men up and the people from the shop clap. She bows jokingly and makes her way over to you.

“Hey, you okay? They didn’t take any money, did they?”, she asks but you are unable to answer. When the masked guy pointed the gun at your face, it triggered something in you. Pushed an “off” button in your brain and turned everything into blurry stop-motion pictures.

For the record, you’ve never been held at gunpoint. Well, until that day, but you hoped it was the first and last time. You didn’t know why it caused you to act like that. To just freeze and zone out. I mean any normal person would start sweating and fearing for their life, visibly shaking or something but you? It turned you off.

Whatever. Whatever it was, you zoned back into reality when you saw a white hand move in front of your face.

“Helloooo? Earth to..”, Gwen stopped and squinted to read from your name tag. “Y/N? Earth to Y/N! You there?”

You quickly took in your surroundings before pulling yourself together and nodding. “Yeah yeah, I’m. I’m fine. Everything is fine. Thank you. For helping. And for asking. I’m fine”, you stumbled across your words and even behind her mask, you could see Spider-woman hesitantly furrowing her brows at you. She didn’t believe you, obviously. You were a terrible liar.

“Riiiighht, well I’m gonna go then”, she stretched out her words before slowly turning around, picking the masked, armed guys off of the floor and exiting the shop.

Honestly, you thought that was going to be your last encounter, but oh boy, you were wrong.

Because she came back in the very next day.

“Oh, hello?”

“Hi”

“I didn’t really see any thieves or villains in our shop today, but uh, how may I help you?”, you ask, unsure of what was she here for, kinda scared that something bad might happen soon and she’s just there to try to prevent it.

“Uhhh actually I came to see you. A-and to get a vanilla latte. And a chocolate chip cookie. But I’m mostly here to see you”, you felt your cheeks heat up at her words. The famous friendly neighbourhood superhero, Spider-woman, came in Starbucks in which you worked just to see you. Strange.

“Um. Okay.”, you didn’t really know what to say to that. What do you even say in a situation like that??

“Soo, hi. Are you okay? You uh didn’t really look the best yesterday? I-I mean you can’t really look the best after being held at gunpoint anyway. Not that you look bad! You don’t! It’s just that, it must have been traumatic, obviously. Not just for you, I guess for everyone in the shop but-“

“I’m okay”, you decided to stop her rambling. “Thanks for checking”, you gave her a shy smile and she smiled back, you guess, but didn’t say anything. You two just stood there, in comfortable silence, until someone coughed behind the masked superhero and tapped their foot on the ground impatiently.

“O-oh um you uh are you going to order orrrrr….?”, you asked, remembering suddenly that you were at work. Where you are supposed to do your work.

“Oh ah yeah I-I’ll have uuuuuuuuhhh a short vanilla latte and a chocolate chip cookie. Please.”

“You’re seriously going to order the most basic white girl drink?”, you chuckled before you’re eyes widened. “NO. Please tell me I didn’t say that out loud”, you thought. But judging by the silence you were met with and the “o_0 expression” (if you could call it that) your friendly neighbor super hero held, you were wrong. “Oh fudge”, you furrowed your eyebrows before giving her the most sympathetic look you could make.

“I did not mean to say that I am SO sorry. I mean I didn’t even mean to think that it just kinda came outta nowhere, I’ve never said anything like that out loud ever. Or not out loud. I’ve never even thought something like that, honest! I seriously don’t have any idea where this came from I mean I would never ever guess your race- it’s none of my business! And it’s not like race has anything to do with the goddarn drink. It’s a drink! Anyone can order it! I have no say in that and I am SOO-“

“IT’S OKAY”, this time, Gwen interrupted your rambling (finally, it seemed like you could go on and on), “you can uhhh make up for it by, I dunno, maybe, givingmeyournumber?”, she was nervous, but you were oblivious unfortunately.

“Oh. OH YEAH I can do that..I’ll just go get your drink. And you cookie”, your ass has never left a place so fast. “SPIDER WOMAN. WANTS. MY NUMBER”, you squealed in your head while preparing her order.

You returned to her in a few minutes, a cup in one hand and a cookie in the other. “For here or do you want me to put it in a bag?”

“Can you put just the cookie in the bag?”, Gwen asked shyly and you nodded packing the cookie in the paper bag. Taking a sharpie that stood on your side of the counter, you wrote on her cup of latte “For Spidey ♡ by Y/N”, scribbling your phone number underneath and handing the bag and the cup to her.

“Thank you for your visit. Enjoy!”, you said what you always say to your customers and she jokingly gave you a two finger salute, turning around and exiting the shop.

The whole day after her visit, you’d check your phone every two seconds waiting for her text. At this point, you were already at home, watching a movie you picked out randomly to distract you from constantly glancing at your phone. Unfortunately, you were a person who constantly keeps their sound off and the movie actually intrigued you to the point you somehow forgot about the happenings of yesterday and today, at least until the movie ended.

And then it hit you.

You opened your phone to see four new notifications from unknown. FROM AN HOUR AGO.

You could barely contain your excitement. Spider woman. Asked you. For your number. She had your number. And she texted you. You have Spider woman’s number. And you’re about to answer to her texts. Holy quack.

Unknown

Today 20:14

hey, this is spider woman

wow that felt weird to write hahah

anyway thank you for the drink

and your number

You smiled at your phone. Who would’ve thought that she would be so awkward while texting.

Unbeknownst to you, an hour ago, Gwen was panicking hard. At first she didn’t know what to say. She spent 10 minutes just writing and then deleting and writing and deleting words. Eventually, she decided to muster up the courage and send whatever first came to mind.

The moment she clicked on the “send” button, she regretted it. Then she sent another message, to try to fix the situation she put herself in. Only to realize she is just digging her grave deeper. Before she knew it, she sent you four messages, then threw her phone as far away as possible without damaging it too much, to stop herself from sending another text in attempt to “fix the previous”. She grabbed her mask and pulled it over her head, hiding her face from no one in particular.

After a few minutes, she heard a ding from across the room and scrambled from her bed quickly, tangling herself in the covers, getting her leg stuck in them and managing to fall face first on the floor.

Groaning, she reached for her phone from the very position she fell into, expecting to see a text back from you.

“Iphone storage full” was the only notification she received. Gwen placed the phone to where it was, continuing to lay on her bedroom floor with her Spider mask on.

“This is going to be a long night”

[residentflamingo]

Only One Call Away

Rosé x gn! reader

Summary ———> Rosie decides to go out to drink with her friends. All is fine until reader gets a call from her two hours later. What happened while she was out?

Requested?: yes 🫶

Warnings: bullying, toxic friends, & cursing

Genre: hurt/comfort & a fluffy ending

A/N: To the person who requested this, thank you so much because this was probably the most challenging and longest thing I've ever written. And I put all my heart and soul into this. I think I made it a lot longer than I was supposed to, but that's okay. I always love a challenge, and a perfect opportunity to hone my writing skills. Anyway, I hope both the person who requested this and everyone else reading, enjoys this fic. You can also check out my other stuff if you would like, it's very much appreciated ❤️

Word count ———> 5,394

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

 → 10:00 PM 

“Babe, are you sure about this? Your friends are terrible! They don’t even pay attention to you half of the time when you guys hang out.” 

“Yes, it’ll be fine! Besides, they're not as bad as you say they are. I’ve been friends with them for a long time, they love hanging out with me!”

You were currently standing in front of your girlfriend, about to escort her into the cold winter night, trying to convince her not to go out with her friends. She was wearing a beautiful purple dress, with a cream colored fluffy coat over her shoulders, and a beautiful pair of Saint Laurent heels that made her look powerful with each step.

Her hair was curled, and it effortlessly flowed down her shoulders, making her look like an absolute goddess. You couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. You felt so lucky to have her as your significant other.

The only thing you found truly bad about her, was her friends.

No matter how good she looked, they always found different ways to ridicule and belittle her. Not her four best friends from Blackpink. No, these were her other friends she claimed she met in high school.

She would tell you stories of how they were really close back then, and how she kept in touch with them over the years as she got more famous. You loved hearing her tell stories of the adventures they had, and how she used to sneak out during the night and go on joyrides with them.

You hung out with her and those friends one time, just trying to see what they were like, and you couldn’t stand how rude they were. They constantly threw insults at her, mentioning how her aussie accent makes her sound silly when she talks, saying she needs to get a different hair style, and even making fun of the outfit she was wearing. You were absolutely disgusted at the way they were acting towards her. It was as if they didn’t even treat her like a normal human being.

They would even emotionally manipulate Rosie, making her think they were just joking, so she never noticed their horrible behaviors. When you confronted her about them, she always just insisted to you that that’s how they joke around. So it was hard trying to convince her to not be friends with them anymore. You love your girlfriend very much and you just want the best for her. You would hate for her to keep getting her heart broken over and over by those low-lifes she calls “friends.” But for now, all you could do was wait for Rosie to realize the huge mistake she was making.

You sighed, “Okay, whatever you say. Are you sure you don’t wanna stay home instead? I can order takeout, and we can watch movies.”

“Yes honey, I’m sure. There’s nothing to worry about. My friends will keep an eye on me, and make sure I don’t get too wasted.”

“Alright then. Just remember, I’m only one call away if you need me. I don’t mind picking you up.”

Rosie shook her head, and smiled at how protective you were being. She then stepped up towards you, put both of her hands on each side of your face, and looked you in the eyes and said “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind. I love you darling.” She then gave you a soft kiss on the lips, slowly walked towards the door, and turned around before opening it to look back and make sure you said “I love you” back to her.

“I love you too.” You said softly, as you waved her goodbye and watched her walk through the door and saunter down the long hallway of the apartment complex. Her words from earlier kept replaying in your head, making you wonder if she was ever going to come to a realization of how she needed to get rid of her supposed high school buddies.

After closing the front door, you turned around looking at Hank saying, “I guess it’s just me and you now buddy.” He leaned his head down on the tile floor with a loud sigh looking depressed. Almost as if he perfectly understood what you just said. You let out a loud sigh and plopped down on the couch, deciding to watch some boring Netflix shows that have been recommended to you for sometime.

Man you sure did miss her already, even though she’s only been gone for ten minutes. Before you started watching tv, you picked up your phone and made sure your notification volume was at full blast, so you wouldn’t miss one text or call from Rosie.

→ 11:30 PM

Meanwhile at the bar in downtown Seoul…

“Hey I’m gonna go get a drink from the bar, you guys want anything?”

“No, we're good, you hoe. Besides, you probably wouldn’t even order our drinks right anyways, knowing you and your terrible accent. People can even understand what you’re saying half of the time!”

Rosie’s so-called friends all started laughing at McKenzie’s remark, making Rosie’s lip quiver and her eyes start to water. So far tonight they didn’t hold back on the snide comments, and rude remarks against her. By the end of the night, Rosie had already felt like she was being pushed to her breaking point.

She had no idea how she never realized how mean her friends actually were to her. She hated how she would just ignore the rude remarks half of the time, and never say anything about it. She hated being taken advantage of. She knew deep down that they weren’t her real friends, it was just a matter of realizing it that was important.

Tonight she had a recollection of all the times they asked her for money, begged for free concert tickets, made fun of her outfits, bullied her, and even made her pay for most meals because they were “too expensive”. After tonight, she wanted nothing to do with them. She knew she should’ve listened to you, but she was too scared to let them go. She’s had so many good memories with them, and it was so hard for her to just throw it away.

They used to be such good people. It saddened her how much they changed over the years, and how she couldn’t do anything about it. Tonight was her chance to finally lift that weight off of her shoulders, and move on with the next chapter of life. Preferably without them in it.

“Okayyyy bestie, we’re gonna go to the bathrooom real quick. We’ll be righttt back heheh.” McKenzie slurred. Her and the rest of the people in the group turned around, and walked off into the bathroom, leaving Rosie alone as she went up to go order something at the crowded bar.

About 15 minutes later when Rosie finally got her drink, she walked over to the table everyone was originally sitting at, expecting them to be there waiting on her. Only to find out that none of them were there like they said they would be…

“Hey guys, they finally got done making my drink! Wait where is everyone..?”

→ 12:05 AM

“Aw shit, what the fuck is that?!” You shouted with confusion, as your phone suddenly started going off. You fell off the couch, startled from the loud noise, and then frantically searched for your phone in between the cushions. You realized you had fallen asleep on the couch, and was out for almost 3 hours. God that show must have been really boring then you thought. After finding your phone, your stomach dropped reading the caller id. Rosie. You quickly pressed answer, and whispered “Hey what’s up? Is everything alright?”

There was a couple seconds of silence over the phone, making you really worried, wondering if it was a prank caller or a kidnapper. Panic was about the only thing going through your mind right now, just begging for her to say one word over the phone. Then she finally did. You could hear her sniffling and crying, making your stomach drop.

“N-no. Something happened earlier. We were at this really crowded club and I went up to get a drink real quick, and when I turned around a couple minutes later, they were all gone. l-looked through the whole club asking if anyone knew where t-they went, and all of them said no. So I went outside, thinking I could walk home by myself, but I-I ended up getting lost, and now I have no idea where I am. They left me all alone and n-never texted me asking where I was. I’m so scared, Y/N. Just come and get me please.”

“What the fuck? Are you serious? They just left you all alone in the club? Those fucking bastards. Okay, I need you to stay where you are, and try to send me your location from your phone. Once you do that I’ll be able to track you down, and come pick you up. Can you do that for me?”

“Y-yeah I can do that. I’m so sorry for calling you this late Y/N. I didn’t think something like this would happen.”

“Honey it’s okay, it doesn’t matter anyways. I don’t give a shit about what time it is. If it was 4 AM, I still would’ve come to pick you up. Don’t worry about it at all. Just focus on sending me your location.”

You let out a deep breath that you had been holding in, hoping it would calm you down a little, after thinking about Rosie’s friends leaving her by herself at the bar. They were absolute pieces of shit to her. Completely knowing that she’s an idol, and that she could've gotten kidnapped or stalked, they still did it anyway. I mean what did she ever do to deserve that?

You couldn't even begin to imagine how scared she was right now. All alone in an unknown part of the city, losing her friends in the same night, and knowing she was being used all those years because she was famous? Absolutely terrible.

While waiting for her to respond, you hurried up and got dressed, picked up Hank, grabbed your car keys, and rushed out the door to run to your car.

“O-Okay I sent it to you. You should be getting it in a second.”

“Alright, I’ll be there in five minutes! Don’t move or go anywhere unless someone is following you okay?”

“Okay I will. I love you Y/N. Please hurry…” She said in a quavering voice.

“Okay I will don’t worry, bye!” You quickly hung up the phone, tossed it in the passenger seat, and swallowed a big lump in your throat. Your hands were currently gripped on the steering wheel so tight that your knuckles were turning white, your legs were shaking with anxiety, adrenaline was coursing through your veins, and sweat was running down your spine.

You had never been more panicked in any situation, than at this very moment. The constant reminder that your girlfriend was all by herself walking through the streets, in the midst of the dangerous neighborhoods, had you on edge. In a split second you quickly pulled out of the parking lot, faster than you ever had in your entire life.

You were currently speeding through the streets, going at least twenty miles over the speed limit, with all of your surroundings flashing by so fast that you couldn’t even process where you were. Quite a few citizens and onlookers had given you dirty looks, and shouts of insults along the way.

You obviously knew better than to speed. But with the situation at hand, you didn’t give a fuck if you got a ticket or not. Emotions were running high, and your mind was working faster than your normal decision making usually was.

Funny enough, right before the navigation on your phone signaled you weren’t that far from the destination, “A Thousand Miles” started playing on the radio. “Really? Right now?” you thought. The irony of it was quite hilarious, but that was something you wouldn’t notice until later. You really would walk a thousand miles for your girlfriend if you had too.

After making a sharp turn through the dark alleyway, you drove very slowly down the unfamiliar street, making sure Rosie would spot you in your small vehicle. The alley was filthy, trash layed out everywhere, and street lights were flickering making the area seem even more ominous. You hated going down dark places like these since they always made you so nervous, but that nervousness turned into determination as you were frantically searching for your girlfriend.

While your eyes were scanning the area through your windshield, you were suddenly startled by your girlfriend standing in front of the beaming headlights. You swiftly slammed your foot on the breaks, and made the car come to an abrupt stop. It seemingly scared the both of you, as you put your hand over your heart wondering if you just had a mini heart attack.

Meanwhile, Rosie’s eyes were widened with fear seeing an unknown car drive slowly in the alleyway, thinking she was about to get kidnapped by someone. Fear was running all the way through her body. So much so that her hands were shaking, and chills went down her spine. She slowly backed away from the car, and clutched her purse with both hands just in case she had to make a run for it. You looked at her and tilted your head in confusion, wondering why she wasn’t coming towards the car. Then you realized, “Ohhh. She probably thinks I’m someone else trying to pick her up.”

You then rolled the window down, and stuck your head out the window shouting "Hey, it’s me!” Rosie let out a deep sigh of relief, and thanked the lord for sending you her way to protect her. She felt so reassured to see you, knowing she could finally wrap her arms around you, and let out all of her bottled up emotions from tonight.

She was finally safe.

After a couple seconds of calming her nerves, she snaps out of it, and slowly walks over to the passenger side of the car. Climbing in, and firmly sitting down on the comfort of the smooth leather seats. She sits her purse down near her feet, and leans back in the seat letting out another deep sigh. This time to suppress her emotions down, so she wouldn’t have a full on nervous breakdown. You looked over at her and mumbled “Hi honey,” not wanting to speak too loud, since it was still late at night. But still trying to show excitement in seeing her, since you were so glad you found her.

She looked over at you and tried to speak, but words couldn't come out of her mouth. Her lip was trembling and her breaths became short, as all her emotions were threatening to break free from the invisible bottle she was containing them in. You took notice of this, and reached over to wrap your arms around her chest, enveloping her in a warm hug.

You had never seen her this pent up before, and it absolutely just broke your heart to pieces. You then made sure to speak up and let her know it was okay to let her emotions go, since she was so used to hiding them for the camera and the public eye.“It’s okay love. Let it all out, you can let your guard down around me. I’m here to listen.”

The flood gates had then been opened, and Rosie’s eyes began overflowing with tears as she let out a heartbreaking sob only you had ever heard. Not even her long time friends, or family members had ever heard her cry this hard. She felt completely comfortable around you, and decided to just let all of her emotions go in that moment.

She couldn’t believe how long her friends were using her for, and just the selfish way they had left her behind. On top of all the insults thrown at her. She tried to just ignore them, but she just couldn’t take it anymore. Along with that, she also felt guilty not listening to you whenever you tried to warn her about the toxicity she was constantly putting herself around. “How could I be so dumb, and not think to listen?” she thought.

She suddenly pulled away from your embrace, looked you in the eyes, and said “I’m so sorry for not listening to you, I don’t know what I was thinking. Y-you were only trying to help me, and instead I-”

As Rosie was going on trying to apologize to you, you interrupted her and hugged her again saying, “Hey hey hey, don’t worry about it. That doesn’t matter now. Everyone makes mistakes, and I know it wasn’t your fault. Besides, you’re better off without them now. You got me, Lisa, Jisoo, and Jennie to talk too. So trust me, you aren’t losing much.”

“Thank you Y/N. I don’t know how, but you always know the right thing to say. It really amazes me how perfect you are sometimes” Rosie mumbled, leaning her head over your shoulder, and giving you a tight squeeze to your chest.

At home whenever she needed advice, or a little encouragement for the day, you somehow always knew what to say no matter what it was. You’re always the best person she can rely on, the one person she could really be her true self around. As she thought about it a little harder, this was a moment in her life that determined how much she really does appreciate you, and how much she really does want to be with you.

She smiled to herself, thinking of how good of a partner you would be when you guys got married someday. She couldn’t wait for that day to come. Marriage was always something she had dreamed about, and you made it even more possible for her. When she finally snapped back to reality, she took a look over your shoulder and saw a familiar face sitting patiently in the back seat.

It was Hank, her favorite dog in the world! She slowly pulled away from you with one of her eyebrows raised, “Is that Hank there in the back seat?” You turned your head around to look at him too and chuckled saying, “Yeah I brought him, knowing you would be super excited to see him.” Hank looked up at Rosie and started wagging his tail with enthusiasm, sharing the same excitement Rosie had.

She then leaned over and picked up Hank, gently putting him in her lap. “Hiiii buddy! Are you so excited to see mommy? I know you are! Hahaha” You looked over at both of them and smiled, happy to see Rosie so cheerful again. While looking at her, a good idea had suddenly crossed your mind and you thought it was perfect for the situation at hand.

“Hey babe, you wanna go get some ice cream?” you asked.

“Yeah that sounds great!” she said cheerfully.

After checking to see if Rosie had her seat belt on, you put the car in drive, and gently pressed your foot on the gas to make the car accelerate. As you drove around a little bit, you could see people walking home from the bars, and stumbling over their own feet from consuming so much alcohol.

It was pretty much a normal sight, since it was a late friday night. You could tell that the only places that were open were the bars, making you a little bit nervous since you promised Rosie her ice cream. And most fast food restaurants definitely did not stay open until midnight.

But to your luck, as you made a left turn down to main street, you spotted a nice burger place that was still open. With the name “TJ Burger”, flashing on a huge, bright, neon sign. “Perfect” you mumbled under your breath. Hopefully they had ice cream, because this was probably the only fast food restaurant open for miles.

As you pulled up to the drive through looking at the menu, they had almost every kind of American food you could think of. Burgers, onion rings, chicken tenders, whatever it was, they certainly had it. Then when you looked over to the other side of the menu, there it was, twenty different kinds of milkshakes and ice cream flavors.

You smiled and looked over at Rosie, pointing to the menu to prove to her that they indeed did have ice cream. She smiled and mumbled “Yayyy”. While you were looking at the menu, you were suddenly interrupted by a booming voice from the loudspeaker that spooked the both of you a little bit. You shook your head and laughed over how jumpy you were, then you turned to Rosie and asked her,

“What flavor do you want honey?”

“Uhmm, I’ll just get chocolate.” she answered with a whisper.

You turned back around facing the loudspeaker, ordering a small vanilla cone for yourself, along with Rosie’s ice cream, then casually pulled up to the drive-thru window to wait.

The atmosphere in the car was kind of awkward, since you hadn’t really talked about what had previously happened earlier. So while waiting, Rosie wanted to find a way to kill the time. So, she got curious and asked you, “Have you ever been here before?”

You looked over at her and answered, “Nope! But I heard it’s really good. Why do you ask?”

She shook her head and said, “Oh I was just wondering. I figured you knew about this place already.”

“Nope I had never been here until now. I mean, I knew it was-”

Before you could finish your sentence, the fast food worker interrupted you and said, ”Here’s your ice cream.” with a rude tone. He then carefully handed you the cones, and before you could even say thank you he said “You’re welcome have a nice night.” then shut the window with an attitude.

Rosie chuckled saying, “Wow he must be really pissed off since we came in 10 minutes before they closed.” You widened your eyes sarcastically and laughed, “Yeah I think so too. That’s okay though, at least he didn’t notice you. That would’ve been a whole other ordeal. Anyways, here's your ice cream honey.”

Rosie smiled and grabbed the cone saying, “Thank you so much. I really don’t deserve you.” You smiled back at her, got all of your stuff organized, and then put your foot on the gas driving away into the city. She continued to shuffle in the seat trying to get comfortable, and finally took a small taste of her ice cream. Her smile grew even more after tasting the ice cream, and she started to do her little happy dance. You took a quick glance over at her, and laughed at how cute she was being.

On the way over towards the secret destination you were driving to, “Cooler Than Me” by Mike Posner started playing on the radio. It was a song both you and Rosie were very familiar with, since you both grew up in the early 2000s.

She quickly got excited upon hearing it and started singing the lyrics, “ If I could write you a song to make you fall in looove, I would already have you up under my arrm~” You giggling over how silly she was being by swaying her arms and singing with the music. Soon enough, you caught on and started singing along with her too.

By the time you both were done singing to the song, you were driving up a gravel road leading to the top of a hill. Rosie looked around confused, having no idea where she was at. So she turned to you for help.

“Hey, where are we at? I don’t think I’ve ever been here before.”

“Haha, you’ll see…”

You slowly drove the car up onto the top of the hill, and put it in park. There, through the windshield of the car, was a marvelous view that cast upon the whole city of Seoul. It was an absolutely beautiful site that made Rosie’s jaw stay open in shock. She had never seen anything quite like this before.

You could see all of the twinkling lights coming from the towers, all of the ant size cars driving down the highways, and all of the shining stars in the sky that were more visible tonight than they had been any other night. Your father used to take you to this spot during the early years of your childhood. It was a very special place to you, and you had only ever shared it with two people. Your mom, and Rosie.

Rosie couldn’t even believe what she was seeing right now. She had been living in Seoul for almost half of her life, and she still never knew there was even a spot like this. She was absolutely amazed as to how beautiful this sight was. I mean, how could you not be? Rosie wanted to see the view even more, so she placed Hank down in the back seat, slowly opened the door, and stepped out of the car in awe.

You watched her as she walked up even closer to the edge of the hill, and continued to look into the distance with amazement. She then turned around and signaled you to come on, waiting to share this moment with you. You obliged and got out of the car, jogging towards her.

Now standing next to her, you looked out into the distance admiring all of the lights gleaming in the vast city of Seoul. It was still as beautiful as it was during your childhood. But as happy as you were to see it, Rosie looked like something was bothering her still.

“What’s on your mind honey?” you said softly.

As she looked out in the distance, her smile faded a little bit and her expression was replaced with gratitude. “Well, I-I don’t know what to say. This is the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen. Even though this night was supposed to be one of the worst ones of my life, you made it the best one. I haven’t had this much fun in, gosh… I don’t even know how long. All I can think of right now is, thank you. Thank you so much, I don’t know what I would ever do without you. And, oh yeah, and I guess this ice cream is kinda good too.”

She started giggling over the little joke she made, and tried to continue eating the ice cream from earlier. At that moment, it almost seemed like she had completely forgotten what had happened a couple hours prior.

All the snide comments, the betrayal, losing her friends, it was all becoming a mild loss for her now. At that moment she had realized how much she really needed someone like you in her life. Rosie continued to laugh so hard that tears were forming in the corners of her eyes.

You smiled back at her and said “You don’t have to thank me Rosie. You are my girlfriend after all. I would do anything for you. Like I said, I’m always one call away if you need me.” Rosie’s laughter slowly settled, and she walked over to you to give you a warm hug. “But I do have to thank you somehow.”

As Rosie pulled away from the hug, and gave you a soft kiss on your lips, you were suddenly lifted up to cloud nine. She had kissed you many times before, but this kiss felt extra special. It was a kiss of gratitude, love, and compassion rolled all into one.

You stood back from her, feeling stunned, and tried to cover the growing smile forming on your lips. Along with your cheeks turning red, like you had just received your first kiss. Rosie giggled even more and took the perfect opportunity to tease you.

“Honey are you really blushing?! I have kissed you so many times, how could you be blushing now?”

You retorted back, “Whaaatt, I can’t help it when the hottest woman in Seoul is practically kissing me. You can’t blame me ya know…”

“Yeah true… Haha! Naur naur, I'm just kidding.”

“Oh shut up! Don’t make me take back what I just said.”

“Oh yeah? You won’t. I dare you!”

As the both of you continued to bicker and giggle like longtime best friends, the night had gone by a little bit faster than the both of you had realized. About an hour later, you both realized you had left Hank in the car after he started barking and whining continuously. He wasn’t in danger or anything, you both knew he was probably getting lonely waiting for the both of you to finish talking to each other.

So as soon as you heard him barking, you stopped laughing and said, “Oh shoot! I better get Hank, I bet the poor guy is getting lonely in there.” You then quickly jogged back over to the car, and picked him up out of the car seat, bringing him to where Rosie was standing.

While the both of you, including Hank, were looking into the incredible night view of Seoul, a little lightbulb popped into your head and you had a great idea to finish off the night. You jumped up onto the hood of your car and leaned your whole body back onto it, trying to make yourself comfortable.

Rosie laughed, “What are you doing?” You looked back at her and said, “I’m looking up at the stars silly. Here you should come try it too. The stars are really nice at this time of night.” You patted the spot next to you, intending for her to lay there. She shrugged her shoulders and mumbled, “I guess it couldn’t hurt to do it once.”

Rosie then placed Hank down next to her spot, and climbed up onto the car to lay back and stargaze with you. Exactly like the reaction from some time ago seeing the lit up city, she looked up at the sky in awe, with her mouth slightly open in amazement.

The sky was aglow with a visible canopy of shimmering stars, and the constellations were perfectly aligned making the sky look even more magical. “Wow..” she mumbled, “You really do have all sorts of tricks up your sleeve huh.” You smiled, loving how she was enjoying the view as much as you were.

“Yeah I guess I do. Wait, look up there, it’s the big dipper!”

“Oh look there’s the little dipper too!” Rosie shouted back, pointing up at the sky.

As the both of you were looking up at the sky, savoring the moment for what it was worth, the moon became very visible as the clouds started to drift away from it. It was a full moon. Rosie thought it was a cute coincidence. The moon was full just like how complete her life felt with you being in it. She looked back over towards you, and said, “I love you y/n.” With the stars reflecting off her eyes, making her look even more ethereal. You smiled and turned your head over towards her, “I love you too Rosie.”

The both of you continued to lay in comfortable silence, as the cool summer breeze drifted through the air, and not a single sound could be heard for miles. Rosie knew that after tonight, her whole perspective of you had changed. Not in a bad way of course, but in an even lovelier way.

You had done everything you could to make her smile again, and she really appreciated it. Not many people would go that distance, but now she definitely knew you would. Even though she had lost some “friends” of hers tonight, she gained something more important. Her unconditional love for you. Thanks to you, this would be one of her favorite memories to be shared for years to come. The love you both have for each other would become even stronger. And when she got back home, she could brag to the girls how cool you were too ;)

[oreo102]

Not really an ask but a mutual complaint. I don't get why because 14 settled down and 15 is "healed" that we're supposed to be OK that they got to find love and happiness easily but 13 didn't.

We’re supposed to be okay with it because no one likes 13. The majority of the fandom either won’t give her a chance because of bad faith criticism or are the ones making it. I had someone tell me before I even started watching her, after I mentioned that if I were to watch Dr who, it’d be her, tell me that I wouldn’t like her because the writing was atrocious(it’s not).

13 can’t even have a relationship with the woman who she said she wants to spend eternity with (or smth of the like in legend of the sea devil), can’t kiss, can’t hold hands, can’t even hug! Yaz and 13 hug a single time unless I’m remembering wrong, which is as likely as it isn’t with how much I’ve watched her era.

But 14 gets to settle down with Donna and her family. He gets to have a tardis and his old bestie from like 1000 years ago, he gets to heal. He gets what everyone and their mom wanted 10 to get. He gets a happy ending.

And 15 gets to mention his trauma in a light tone, he doesn’t have the crushing weight of guilt every other doctor had, no, he’s healed! He gets to go on silly little adventures with his best friend who is actually super mysterious and that’s a totally good thing to hold up like a treat to a fucking mutt. They get to hug! 3 times in one episode. I remember that specifically because every time it happened I felt a pang of annoyance and pettiness.

This isn’t to say I don’t like 15. I really do like him, he’s fun and he’s really the only reason I’d continue watching the newest season. I just- can’t juggle my love and loyalty to 13(srsly I’ve had to stop myself from starting fights multiple times in the last 24 hours) with seeing him get what she never did.

I understand why they brought David tenant back. He is a great ways to get views, the majority of people really love him and I know at least my mom watched she specials especially to see him, my friend started watching Dr who bc they love him. I just wish they would’ve given 13 a happier ending. I wish they would MENTION yaz. Even if not by name. It’d be easy- really it would, have them spend some time in the tardis- have Ruby touch something and 15 be like “no touching- only one human is allowed to fly her” or smth like that (idc if that’s wrong. I don’t. Don’t comment telling me if this is wrong.)

We’re supposed to be fine with 13’s ending be bittersweet, when the doctor after her gets an almost too perfect happy ending, and 15 gets to be healed from his trauma (not how trauma works) because they don’t care. They don’t care about 13, they don’t care about yaz, they don’t care about thasmin fans, they don’t care about fans they got with her, they just don’t care. And that’s- fine. But I won’t watch his series

[moony-2001]

How I would’ve constructed the 10 year time skip

✨Brought to you by my deep loathing for Lore Olympus✨

•warnings: super long post (I’m not joking), death, kidnapping, violence•

What The Fuck Happened

There was so much potential for the punishment arc. We could’ve seen a lot of character development, fleshed out storylines, reconciliation between certain people. We could’ve seen both Hades and Persephone going to therapy instead of claiming that one therapy session has fixed all their problems and then never going again.

Instead we got horny Persephone, pretty much no clue about what happened to Demeter OR Persephone during that time, and an easy plot device (sorry Cerberus) for Persephone to be like “I’m a big girl now harrumph harrumph, time for me to go reunite with my crusty ass bf who I’ve only know for a month”.

I hate the way she reunited with Ares. Ares is just a bonafide creep throughout the whole comic (although I liked when he attacked Zeus lol). I guess what I mostly hate about Ares and Persephone’s interaction is, yet again, it’s another example of every guy in the comic going AWOOGA over Persephone. Also Athena’s design is so fugly. I guess Rachel is completely incapable of drawing masculine presenting women as actual women.

The whole Kronos plot line is stupid. I hate it so much. Imo the whole “the titans are trying to escape so they can rule Olympus again” is overdone and not particularly done well. The fight between Kronos and Persephone is lame as shit. Like what, she gets big for all of 20 minutes, burps out a bunch of bees (which aren’t even aggressive creatures), and then does her version of the Wuxi Finger Hold from Kung Fu Panda and has Tartarus spirit Kronos away, magically fixing all of their problems (except it doesn’t and nothing is actually fixed).

Also I might get a lot of flack for this, but I don’t think the addition of Morpheus’ character was necessary. I like Morpheus. I think she’s cute. But she’s a) slowly turning into another version of Hecate and b) not really vital to the narrative imo. We already have so many other characters and plot lines that take away from the central “romance” the story is SUPPOSED to be focused on. I just don’t think we need ANOTHER character whose arc is probably not going to go anywhere.

So yeah, overall very L writing, L plot, and L characters.

What I would do differently

The first thing I would change is that the whole punishment arc would be an entire season unto itself. You’ll see why it has to be a separate season.

The second thing is (and this literally pains me to say) in order for me to rewrite this portion of LO without rewriting the entire comic, I kinda sorta have to throw the entire timeline of Greece out the window. If I try to follow a timeline based on the history of Greece, the entire timeline of LO has to shift massively. I’m already getting a migraine trying to think about how I could possibly make it work.

I do know this: Instead of 10 years I’d do somewhere between 1,000-3,000 years. 10 years is a joke. When you’re a god, 10 years is a trip to the time out corner

For now, let’s just say (assuming LO takes place in the Ancient Greece era) and Ancient Greece spanned ~1500 years, Persephone’s punishment would’ve needed to have been established near the very end of the collapse of the Late Bronze Age, spanned the entirety of Ancient Greece as we know it today, and ended some time in the very early Byzantine era. So like what, 1500-2000 years? Fine. I can work with this.

The Famine

You know how the first 400 years of Ancient Greece was deemed the “Dark Ages” and it was a time of war, famine, and loss? I want to start the punishment there. It would make sense for what we know about the characters thus far:

Demeter has had complete control over the growth of the flora and fauna on earth. She’s the goddess of the harvest after all. But we also find out that while Persephone has been in Olympus, Demeter has also been carrying out her duties as the goddess of spring. Plus Demeter has been around for forever and a day. She knows what she’s doing

Persephone doesn’t (at this point in the comic) really have control over her powers. Even in her fits of rage, she ends up doing more harm than good (i.e. her act of wrath, turning Minthe into a plant, etc.). In comparison with everyone around her, she is a literal infant. I mean shit, she’s only been alive for 20 years compared to the fact that everyone else has most likely been around for a minimum of 500 years.

If Demeter is stripped of her status as a goddess (and thus her powers) it would make sense that there would be a lot of death and famine and war over territory/food. Persephone would be left with nothing: no guidebook, no how-to. Of course a lot of people would die while she’s trying to figure her shit out. It could also be a very interesting tactic for psychological warfare on Zeus’ part. Zeus KNOWS Persephone doesn’t know what she’s doing. He knows people will die. And he knows that since life is precious to Persephone (or at least that’s what she claims), it would punish her further.

We can see episodes of Persephone struggling to provide for humanity. We could have real world examples of the affect of famine and depopulation. We would see her struggling with her powers, her mental health. We could get an episode that explains how her hands got destroyed from trying to mimic her mother’s powers. We can see what the fuck happened to Demeter in Attica.

Now obviously things will eventually go on the up and up for Persephone and her compatriots. The whole 1500-2000 years isn’t just going to be one big clusterfuck. As time progresses and chapters pass, we could see real character growth for Persephone not just mentally, but in almost every aspect. Since she will have been alive at that point for over 1000 years, the readers would be able to see her newfound maturity. We could also see her build strong female support systems and strengthen her friendships, something we NEVER saw in the OG comic (or at least they never happened without Hades somehow being involved). You get the point.

What’s Old Man Hades up to?

I have big plans for Hades and none of them involve him going into a 1000+ year coma or getting possessed by his creepy-ass dad. He is an asshole though. I kinda wanted to portray him in this the way he is in the original myths (which for those who don’t know or haven’t read it, it’s not good).

So in Greek mythology, Hades actually had a wife before he even met Persephone or Minthe. Can you take a wild guess as to who?

Bingo! It’s Leuce. Contrary to popular belief, Leuce is actually NOT a home-wrecking POC version of Persephone (don’t @ me we all know the nymphs represent the lower class and POC). In mythology, Leuce was Hades’ first wife/lover and she died sometime long ago and I believe was turned into a white poplar tree. No she is not a cousin of Thetis and Amphitrite. She is not even remotely related to them. And Thetis and Amphitrite are sisters, not cousins. Do your fucking research Rachel.

Unfortunately, Greek Mythology doesn’t really mention all that much about Leuce outside of the fact that she was a daughter of Oceanus, she was kidnapped by Hades, and when she died (for unspecified reasons) she turned into a tree. Which means I’m going to be taking a lot of creative liberties for this portion of the post. Sorry to all you diehard fans of Greek myths out there. I shall try to do her justice.

In my head-cannon Hades and Leuce had been in an arranged marriage for thousands of years. Leuce was offered by Oceanus as a peace offering after the War and Hades, not really having any other viable options for a wife, agreed to take her to the underworld (much to her dismay). Over time, they grew to have a mutually loving/caring relationship. Unlike LO Persephone, Leuce was a good queen and she worked hard to make sure the denizens of the underworld respected her and that they were well cared for. Unfortunately, they got divorced because Hades starting having an affair with Minthe. Even though she loved her kingdom and the people of the underworld, she divorced Hades because she couldn’t stand to be around him, which, y’know. Fair.

A few notes: in my head-cannon, Leuce is still around leading up the the trial and punishment. Her portrait would still be up, we would see signs that Hades and Leuce still interact (more in terms of business, not romance), etc.

Also, unlike Persephone, Leuce would not take her anger out on Minthe or turn her into a plant or destroy her apartment. She would simply wish her good luck. She would be mad at Hades for cheating and for taking advantage of Minthe while she’s at her lowest. But I’m going to be straight up: even though Leuce is meant to be the better Persephone, she still has her flaws. She’s not going to feel inclined to help Minthe in any way. Would you want to help out the person who your partner is cheating on you with? The answer is no and if you say yes, you’re lying.

Anyways, during the Punishment, Hades and Leuce reconnect and Hades finds out Leuce is dying. He tries to convince her to leave the underworld and return to her father, but she insists that she is going to stay, even if it means she dies away from everyone she loved. She won’t abandon her kingdom, her people, or her ex-husband (although that’s much better than he deserves). They move in together and Hades begins to take care of her, even as she begins to deteriorate. They also begin to rekindle their past relationship and (with the help of a therapist) work through some of their past problems together.

Note: their relationship rekindles a couple hundred years into the punishment so by the time the punishment ends, they’ve been back together for a minimum of 1200 years

The aftermath and the Rape of Persephone

Before any of you go gaga over me for the title used above, the original title used for the myth is The Rape of Persephone (or if you want to be really original, The Rape of Proserpina). In the context of the title, the term “rape” means to be taken/kidnapped rather than having sexual violence inflicted upon you. Rape stemmed from the traditional Latin word “raptus” which means “to be seized” or “carried off”. Okay? Okay.

So after the Punishment ends and Persephone feels like she has thoroughly improved herself, she goes to find Hades and talk with him about their relationship. Mainly that she feels they rushed into it, and even though she does like him she wants to take things really slow (kind of like how she wanted before getting married 3 episodes later).

Upon arriving to the underworld/Hades house, her worst fears are realized: not only has Hades (seemingly) moved on, he has found someone else. Or rather, he got back together with his ex-wife.

Persephone freaks out (“who is she?”/“I’m his wife!”)

Persephone, throughly upset for getting her hopes up, flees back to mortal realm. Hades goes to leave Leuce, but not before she tells him that if he leaves her for Persephone, she will never forgive him. Hades leaves anyways, much to the absolute despair of Leuce, who is left wailing as he runs off.

Persephone returns home and finds Demeter and they hug. Demeter is initially horrified to see what happened to her hands, but is proud of the work she did during the punishment. Persephone cries to her mother about Hades, and Demeter tries to comfort her but it inadvertently comes off more as “I told you so” rather than “I’m sorry you had to experience that” (although Demeter is sorry that Persephone’s heart is broken). Persephone, already feeling incredibly emotionally distressed, lashes out at Demeter and they start to argue. This is when Hades arrives.

Hades sees Demeter and Persephone arguing and inserts himself into the situation. Persephone becomes more upset after seeing him and Hades (assuming that Persephone is upset about the fact that Demeter is getting in the way of their “relationship” and not the fact that Persephone discovered Hades went back to his ex-wife after saying he loved her) whips out the the “one personal question, no exceptions” card and proposes to Persephone. He insists that he loves her and only her and that they should spend the rest of their immortal lives together.

Persephone says no.

Hades, not taking no for an answer and not wanting to leave the mortal realm empty handed, kidnaps Persephone, much to the dismay of Demeter, Artemis, and the nymphs. Hades returns with a traumatized Persephone to the underworld to find that Leuce has died and turned into a white poplar tree. While Persephone is sobbing on the floor, Hades weaves a mock crown from the branches and leaves of the tree, places it upon Persephone’s head, and tells her she better get used to their life together.

Thus ends the season and the punishment arc.

Afterthoughts

Thank you for sitting through my ramblings. I officially joined the anti-LO community about the time the trial happened and had been wanting to make a post like this for a reaaaaally long time. Besides the fact that the trial in of itself was completely unethical (@genericpuff made a whole post about that) the punishment arc just really pissed me off. Like go girl, give us nothing!

Anyways, I may or may not do a whole timeline reconstruction of LO depending on how much I feel like offing my sanity with the amount of research that would have to go into that. Until then, I hope you like this post and look out for other anti LO posts coming your way :)

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT 10 months: Big changes

Content warning: Dark tone, discussions of identity death

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Oh, right. I kinda forgot to write in this thing. It's certainly been a long time. I'm still not allowed at work, but I've been assured that I'm not going to be fired or anything. Apparently, they want to see if slimes have any roles in construction that would be less of a danger to myself and others. Not that I could go back if I wanted to, I've been having dizzy spells all day for the past week. It's probably some new change to my body. Oh my god, I forgot to write about the changes. There's a lot to catch up on, and thankfully, it'll all be positive this time!

First of all, I’ve been meeting up with the Doc every month, but this time he hasn't chewed me out for not writing in this journal, he thinks I'm writing out a new page every week. All I need to do is tell him what he wants to hear. It makes me wonder if I actually could have just lied about living as my preferred species for the past two years. Not that I ever really figured out what that meant (Should I have like? Absorbed my food through my skin??) Either way the Doc has never had anything important to say, it's always the same questions, a physical exam, and then he tells me what changes I should expect, and he's usually wrong. Like a few months ago, he thought I was going to gain translucent skin. Nope. Tongue is now made of goo. I mean, my skin started to change eventually, but, ok, let's just go in chronological order with everything that's happened so far.

So my tongue and presumably most of my insides have turned into a solid bunch of goo. It'll probably dissipate once the rest of my mouth changes too. It's made eating interesting. I don't have taste buds anymore, which sucks and drives me crazy sometimes, but now I don't have to worry about how gross health foods are. There are some other pretty big downsides though. I've had to change up my diet a lot to avoid blacking out, because yeah, that happened a while back. It's ok now. I think it was just a new body needing different levels of nutrition. It should be fine now, at least cause it hasn’t happened again.

The big change is my skin. It's finally began to change, the doc said my skin was supposed to transform into a translucent gel, but instead, I got a new gooey layer to my body that gets cloudier and cloudier every day. It's just on my limbs at the moment, but it's been spreading outward as time goes on. It’ll probably cover me within the next month. There's definitely some change going on underneath, but I can't say I know what that might be. It can definitely hurt like hell from time to time, but I got used to the pain, and I mean, that means it’s working, right? I’m finally becoming a slime. Really, truely a slime!

To be real for a second though, things have been really scary. It's been great and all to see progress these past months, but it's terrifying not knowing how the changes will go. This is a brand new treatment after all. Not a single other slime has developed the way I have, and it seems like that doctor doesn’t even know how it’s supposed to work. These dizzy spells and headaches have been getting worse lately, and every new change seems to have some sort of downside. Don't get me wrong I still want to be a slime, but it's been…

1 week later

Doctor Hans: "And that's the last of your journal. It's a shame to learn you've been lying to me about your notes. Perhaps things wouldn't come to this if you'd been more studious."

Mayday: "It was your faulty medication that made me pass out. Besides, I've blacked out before, I don't see why this is such a big deal. Not like we can do anything about it, right?"

"You didn't wake up for three days! You could have died if your friends hadn't brought you here! Your brain started dissolving Ms. Mulberry! You’re growing new organs that we know nothing about! It could be a replacement brain, or it could be a cancer. Without proper study, your very life could be in danger, and despite what you may think of me, my top priority is the safety of my patients. I am sorry for the damage I’ve done to you already, but I’ll have to cancel your prescription for now."

"What? Y-you can’t do that?! You think that it's ok to just remove my happiness? This has to be illegal, right? You can't just do that? You can just use the normal slime medication, right? The kind that other slime I met used, that’ll be fine, I’m ok with that, I don’t need to shift my texture and color, it’s fine!"

"No Ms.Mulberry, it isn’t fine. Putting you on a different HRT even for a slime could lead to catastrophic results, It’d be more dangerous than having you continue with your current prescription. I’m sorry, but I can not allow you to continue with your transition until we know it will be safe. I’ll just need more time to study the effects. It hopefully won't take long. The CT scans we've gained have been quite helpful. If you're lucky, you can continue transitioning in six months."

Dr. Hans laid out the photos in front of me. My bones were barely visible, and my organs were either gone or transparent. Half of my brain was missing and replaced with what looked like a stomach with plant roots twirling out of it. Terror struck me the more I looked. A person's insides were never something I could handle well, but seeing my brain being a half and half abomination was a horror I couldn't look away from.

"Is it safe to let it stay like that? Shouldn't I keep taking my treatment so it fully forms into whatever this core is? Sure, a lot of this stuff has hurt, but isn't it more dangerous to just leave me halfway?"

"Ms.Mulberry… Preliminary psych exams have shown that you've sustained a significant amount of memory loss. A normal slime would have the brain dissolve near the end of their transition, with specialized cells acting as neurons and allowing the whole slime to act as one brain, the HRT for them is designed so that the neural pathways of the brain transfer over to the new pathways of a slime. But your body doesn't have the gel to do that. If whatever you have is a new brain, then it's clear it's not copying your mind correctly. It's very likely you would forget your entire life if this process continued. In the best case scenario you’ll be left with some memories and irreparable damage to your life. Worst case, complete identity death."

"So that's it, there's nothing for me. I'm going to stay like this forever. Just half a slime that doesn't fit in anywhere. No job, no community, alone, isolated, afraid, and damaged. Is starting over from scratch really that bad?"

"Please think of how your friends and family would feel. It's not like they'd abandon you. You can wait until I make sure your mind won't disappear, and then continue your medication. There is a chance you won't fully transition after such a large gap, but it will be worth it, I assure you."

"I'm so tired of doing things to please others. I don't even remember what my job was or what my father looks like. Why should I care about other people when I won't even remember them? Why should I care about this stupid life I have if the universe is just going to hurt me over and over again. Can't I be selfish about one thing in my life. I just want the one thing that will make me happy. Isn't that what we're taught. To fight for what is right? Being a slime is right for me. I don't care about the cost."

"If that is what you wish, you have that right. I legally can't let you continue your treatment until we know it isn't life threatening, but you have the right to start taking it again after another three weeks of observation. If you truly do not care about the consequences of your transition, that is. I only ask that you spend this time thinking things through."

"I will..."

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Mention list: @a-shramp , @calliecwrites

[elialys]

hey. as a fellow writer from niche fandoms and unpopular ships, can i just say i really appreciate you being upfront about how much lack of engagement sucks. really thank you. especially because it comes from someone like you who has a fair amount of engagement, but you know what? you’re right being pissed. i know i am. i come from fandoms where people are constantly yapping about lack of content yet none of them engage w/ each other. i ended up leaving bc i felt like i was screaming to a wall. and you know what? i haven’t stopped writing, just posting. bc why bother? so yeah, i AM writing for myself, and also keeping it from myself. idc if that’s petty honestly, like no, it doesn’t make me feel any better if someone out there might end up liking it one day if they’re being completely silent about it. fandoms aren’t supposed to be one-sided. i’m fine w people not reading my stuff cause they don’t like it. you can straight up tell me you hate my ship and i will be like. cool 👍 but when people do read and like your stuff and yet never say anything, that’s something that i don’t like

anyway sorry for rambling, know that you’re much appreciated. i remember you from my doctor who days and i wish i were in your fandoms so i could keep reading your stuff. ❤️

For the longest time I didn’t say anything because I realize that in a lot of cases, I’ve had what you’d call great engagement, and I’ve always been so thankful for the love my stories have received throughout various fandoms. But the decline is STEEP these days, and I have the hindsight of having been writing/sharing fics online for two decades, so I have a lot of 'data' to compare these days’ numbers to.

That’s the thing that has always gotten to me. NUMBERS. Being so, so aware of how many people click on our fics, and how few of them actually engage with a comment. Even at my most “popular”, I didn’t get more than 5% of my readers interacting with me; it felt like a lot because I had a lot of readers, so it meant more comments, but it still was only 5%.

Like you said, it’s this knowing that people are reading, that they are coming back chapter after chapter, yet they don’t bother engaging with us, even when most of us basically BEG in author notes for them to comment and make us feel less like word spewing machines and more like creative members of their online community. What really got to me this last month was updating my fic for The Last of Us, a chapter that got 1,000 hits in two weeks, and I got 10 comments for it. I was just…how the fuck are 1,000 people reading and only 10 of them bothering? Especially since that fic had averaged 3 times that amount of comments for months on previous chapters.

Every time I get disheartened by the increasingly shitty reader engagement, I tell myself that’s it, I’m done writing fics. But then I always go back to it a few days later because I actually LOVE writing fics. Like, fuck yeah, I do write for myself and actually enjoy it for myself (in a love-hate kind of writing relationship obviously 🤣). I do it because I am in love with the characters I’m writing about, and fascinated by their dynamics and relationships, so it’s genuinely a THRILL, and my biggest passion.

But the abysmal engagement these days is just…it makes me feel like shit, there’s no other word for it. Because I spend so much time and energy on those stories (because I want to and I LOVE to write), but as a fic writer, there’s always this part of me that’s excited to be SHARING it with the fandom. Because twenty years of this have gotten me used to at least some decent interaction, and feeling like I'm part of a community. But then the hit count goes up and the comment count stays low or nearly empty, and it’s just gutting. People just consume, consume, consume.

Honestly, GOOD ON YOU for still writing while deciding not to share with your niche fandom at the moment. I’m thinking I might do the same with the rest of my Tess & Ellie AU, because I want to see it through and finish it for ME, but I’m done spoon-feeding an apathetic crowd. I’ll reach out to my most loyal readers and regular commenters when the day comes, and give them a way to read the rest of the story, might even just post the chapters straight on my blog here like I used to do, but not on AO3, not for a goooooood while.

Maybe it is petty, maybe I am just butt hurt. But fuck it, it does hurt my feelings, and I’m the one spending hours of my life writing those things, so I’ll do it my way. And I will continue to call readers out, and ask them to step up. We are human beings, not chatGPT, we just want some appreciation for sharing our art.

[keep-the-wolves-close]

Steady Heart

Chapter 14: Hollow Crown

* Pairing: Slow-burn Kayce Dutton x OFC Stella Daniels

* Rating: M? (Still figuring out the rating system) (might eventually be M anyhow)

* Warnings: language, brief violence between John and Jamie, brief wound tending

* Word count: 4,038ish

I would love to give credits to @dameronscopilot and @deanscroissant for being sounding boards for me during this whole process, giving outsider insight, being cheerleaders, and allowing me to screech at them about things that have happened during the writing process. I seriously couldn't have gotten this far without y'all

Author's note: Oof this chapter was a piece of work. I hope everyone is enjoying so far! I hope you love this chapter as well!

The pair trotted for another 10 minutes and on the horizon there was a rifle bang that cut through the air. Stella sagged in her saddle at the sight of her brother, Jimmy, and Walker riding out to meet her. She waved her hand at the bunch.

They met each other. In unison Ryan slipped off of BJ and Stella off of Abigail. Her brother called out to her and cleared the last few feet of space between them. “Stella! Are you okay?!” He jogged up to her wrapping her in a hug so tight, air rushed out of her lungs at the impact, a soft oof escaping.

She hugged Ryan back. “I’m fine. The officer got hurt, not me.”

Ryan started to check her over. Looking for any sign of injury. “What happened to your hands?”

“I got cut on barbed wire trying to untangle Snoopy. Is he okay?”

“Yeah he’s fine.” Jimmy said.

“Nothing some docterin’ and silver spray won’t fix.” Walker offered.

“Oh good.” Stella caught her breath. “The noises stopped not long ago. I don’t think she’s following anymore.”

Ryan stood back from inspecting his sister. “Where was the den?”

“Somewhere by pasture 11, I think? On the outside of the fence.”

“We’ll probably have to get them relocated.”

“If she doesn’t do it first with all the hoof traffic coming through there over the last few days.”

Ryan nodded at his sister's assumption. “Yeah that’s a fair point. Or maybe she was in the process of moving them already.”

“Yeah,” she looked down. “Thank you for coming to me.” She glanced at Jimmy and Walker. “All of you.” Walker tipped his hat and turned around to go back to the barn.

“What were you doin’ by yourself? Why didn’t you go with them?”

“There wasn’t enough room. And someone had to come back and tell John. It’s okay, I’ll be fine.” She brushed loose hair away from her face.

Jimmy smiled and came up to her and wrapped his arms around her. A startled noise left Stella. “I’m glad you’re okay. When we heard the call come through and then your horse didn’t show up we thought you were dead.”

Stella thought, ‘ah what the hell,’ and returned the hug. “Thank you, Jimmy. Really.” Ryan cleared his throat next to them. Stella pulled back and scowled at her brother for a split second. “I’ve gotta go talk to John. I was supposed to be back like an hour ago at least. I’ll meet y’all down at the bunkhouse in a bit.”

Ryan hugged her as Jimmy rode away. “Don’t get into any more trouble on the way to the house please?” He tapped her nose. “Matter of fact, I’ll come with you until you’re at the house.”

Stella wanted to argue, but thought better of it. Ryan was still coming back to earth. She would humor him today.

Stella and Ryan came loping into view of the ranch from the far side archway closest to the house. She came to a stop and Ryan waved at her as he headed to the barn. She turned her horse to slope up the big hill to the house. Abigail’s long legs made short work of the hill. Coming up on the big house, Stella could just barely make out someone on the porch in the dim twilight. Getting closer she could see it was John.

She slowed her mare to a stop at the trough by the driveway. She swung her leg over and dropped gracefully out of her saddle. She stroked Abigail’s neck and tied her to one of the few hitches at the house. “Catch your breath girl. We’re safe now. Get some water.” The mare was already halfway there by the time she finished her sentence. Stella could feel eyes on her and knew John was patiently waiting for her to come report to her.

Making her way to the bottom, she smiled sheepishly up at the man lounging at the top. “Just the man I hoped to find,” she joked breathlessly. John waved at her to come join him. She climbed the stairs. “Have you heard anything from Rip?” She went to take a seat next to her best friend’s father.

John shook his head. “No, should I have?” He was testing her. That was the thought that first came to Stella’s mind. He was seeing if she would lie at all. The tone he used gave him away. He knew already.

She bobbed her head. “Well he was supposed to call you, but he might have gotten held up. Taking that officer up the mountain turned into a shit show to say the least, sir. She was uncomfortable on Snoopy from the get go, which I thought was weird considering she most likely has to ride a horse quite often, but what do I know.”

Stella settled back into the chair with a quiet groan. “She fell off the horse after it got bit by a horsefly and got, forgive my lack of tact here, skewered on a fence post. Rip called Viggo and got her out to the hospital. I was to come back here and tell you. So here I am.” She raised her hand from the arm rest. “A little later than I planned, and more cuts than intended, but I’m here.”

“You forget who my daughter is. I would be shocked if you’ve been around this long and didn’t have something like that in your arsenal.” They smirked at each other. “Rip will be home soon. I think I hear the chopper now. He did call me a little while ago.”

“Oh good,” Stella listened intently and sure enough she heard the blades as they sliced through the air. In the distance a very distinct Rip shaped silhouette walked out of the darkness.

“She gonna make it?” John asked, getting up from his seat on the porch.

“Yeah. She's tough as a mule, that one.” He gazed at Stella when he said that. Stella stood and caught up to the patriarch, meeting the foreman at the bottom of the steps. He switched his stare to John. “They're sending another ranger out tomorrow.” Rip put his hands on his hips as they came to meet him.

“See if you can keep this one on a horse.” Rip chuckled. John pointed to her. “And Stella, I don’t think you should go this time. We’ll decide tomorrow.”

“Yes, sir.” Both she and Rip answered in unison.

Rip took in Stella’s appearance. “You okay, Stella-belle?” John watched the interaction quietly.

Stella sighed and took her glasses off. She outstretched her hand and Rip grabbed them with a frown. The men shared a glance. They let Stella take her time. Taking out her hair, she ran her hands through it shaking it out. It went back up into a less fuzzy bun. She held out her hand for her glasses and Rip placed them gently on her palm. Placing them back on her face, she finally answered.

“Well I doctored my hands up after you left. Ran into a mountain lion den about halfway home. On the outside of the fence. I’m pretty sure mom stalked us most of the way home.” Rip opened his mouth, but she held up a hand to stop him. “Yes I called my brother in on the walkie. They came out and met me. He made sure I made it most of the way here. I told John about what happened. Just later than planned.”

“Sounds like you had a busy night.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

John interjected. “We’ll revisit the mountain lion near one of my pastures later. You forgot that little detail, kid.”

“Sorry sir. Ryan was already talking about relocation or something. If she wasn’t already in the process when I stumbled across her.”

A car pulled up and caught their attention. “Wow, I can't wait to see which disappointment this is.” The three of them watched Jamie get out of the car. John roared, “where you been? I needed you!” Stella and Rip stepped back.

“I was campaigning.” He stated like it was obvious.

John growled. “You been gone two fuckin' days, Jamie. You can't make one phone call? God knows I've been calling you.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Sorry? Hell, you don't even know what you're sorry for.”

“I'm sorry. Christina has my phone.” Stella raised her eyebrows at his admission.

“Christina has your phone. God damn it, Jamie.” John wiped his mouth. “When Rip takes Fish and Wildlife out tomorrow, I need you with them.”

“Okay. Why is Fish and Wildlife coming tomorrow?”

“Shit.” John muttered. The evidence was clear that Jamie hadn’t even bothered to check his phone before he got to the ranch.

“I have campaign stops in Helena and Great Falls…”

“No, you don't, because the first thing you're doing tomorrow is withdrawing from the race.” John made his word final.

“What? I'm doing this for you.” Jamie sounded hurt and confused.

“No, you're doing it for you, and now you're not doing it anymore.”

Rip and Stella looked at each other. They didn’t think they should be here for this conversation. Stella wanted to slowly slink away to her horse and go find her brother.

Jamie tried to stand his ground. “Hey. I won't quit. My entire career is based around this. I've earned it.”

“It's not your place to decide what you've earned.”

“Don't take this away from me. I've earned this! After everything I've done for you, after everything I said…,” Jamie begged.

John wheeled around and advanced on Jamie.“What have you done for me, Jamie?” John shoved him. “What have you done for me besides help me build the empire that you stand to inherit? Sorry, son, I just don't see the sacrifice.”

“Don't you take this away from me.” Jamie grabbed his dad’s coat and started shoving him.

“You took it from yourself.” John dismissed.

“After everything I have done for you? I have earned this!”

John launched his fist squarely against Jamie’s jaw. He fell to the ground and groaned. Embarrassment and pain all wrapped up into one. “All you earned today is that.”

As much as it pleased Stella that someone else shared the same thought about Jamie needing to be hit, she didn’t think now was the time. “Mr. Dutton!” John took his son to the ground, trading blows the whole way.

Rip jumped in. “Hey.” He pulled John off of Jamie.

“I swear to God, I never met a man more in need of a beating.” John paced as Rip got Jamie up off the ground and started marching him away from John. Stella put herself in between John and the other two men. She hoped that her presence in the middle would keep him from bowling her over if his anger rose again.

“Jamie, you touch me again, and I'll give you one.” He stood up straight and stared down his son. “By this time tomorrow, Attorney General Stewart's gonna announce that he's not stepping down. So if you want to run against the candidate I'm supporting, you be my guest.” He caught his breath just long enough to weave around Stella and up to Jamie and Rip. “Until you're ready to put this family first, you don't step foot on this ranch, you understand? You're not welcome here.”

Rip caught Jamie as he went to go back at his father for more blows. “Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me... Whoa. Easy now.”

“This is between family.” Jamie said hotly. Stella made a face at him not recognizing the foreman as family at this point.

“You're gonna fight yourself right out of it.” He patted Jamie’s chest. “Now, go get a hotel, okay? And then calm down.”

Stella herded John to the porch. He bent down and picked up the papers that had blown off the table with the breeze that had settled in. “You okay?” She heard Jamie’s car peel off and felt Rip come up behind her.

“No, Stella, I don't know that I am.” He sniffed. “Hundred and thirty-two years this ranch has been in my family, and I'm the one to lose it.” He stood from picking up the papers. “To be honest, I don't even know who I'm trying to save it for, anymore.” He looked at his employees. “You both go. I have a lot to think about.”

She gave him a bittersweet smile in response and watched him go inside. Rip went to go stand at the top step and Stella asked softly as she joined him, “penny for your thoughts?”

Rip shook his head. “Not much going on except, what a fuckin’ day.”

She hummed in response.

“You go to your brother. Have Lloyd look at your hands.”

“Yessir.” She jogged over to Abigail. The bay roan nickered at her. She smiled lovingly at Abigail, gave her a pat and climbed into her saddle. “Come on sweets. Let’s go put you to bed.”

After she got Abigail settled in, she chose to go find her brother and see what shenanigans everyone was up to. Coming up on the bunkhouse the sounds of a good time echoed into the night. She smiled feeling at home and swung the door open.

The men were in the middle of a poker game. Her brother goaded everyone. “Oh this is dangerous for you boys. I would stay away if I were you.”

The smile remained on her face and she walked up behind her brother and gave his shoulders a hug. “Oh hey Stellee. Kinda busy right now.” He squeezed her forearm that was around his neck quickly.

“Yeah yeah. Just wanted to say hi.” She chuckled standing back up. She noticed Jimmy was searching for something all over the back of the house.

Lloyd caught Jimmy pacing and gently directed him. “Jimmy, sit down. You're making us all fucking sea sick.”

“All right, where is it?”

“Where's what?” Stella and Ryan asked. They looked at each other in amusement.

“You guys know what.”

Stella scrunched her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just got here.”

“We don't know how to help you find what we don't know you're looking for, Jimmy.” Colby said.

“Where's my fucking hat?”

Ryan looked directly at Jimmy. “Oh, that.” Ryan tapped on his cards. “Yeah, we got rid of that.” He explained simply.

Stella’s eyes widened. “Y’all did what!”

“Stupid scarecrow ain't a good look, Jimmy.” Colby smiled.

Stella swore she could hear a mouse fart out in the barn from how quiet it got in the house. All the men started smiling before Lloyd reached underneath the table and pulled out a brand new black hat. He tossed it at Jimmy who juggled it and caught it.

Ryan laid out the rules. He sounded like he was talking to 15 year old Stella the way he explained it. “Cost us each a weeks' pay. You lose it, pay us back.”

Lloyd smiled, delighted. “It ain't a damn soup bucket, try it on.” He tried to convince Jimmy.

Jimmy looked at it, almost as if he was making sure there wasn’t a catch. He flipped it up over his head and carefully slipped it on.

“Yay!” Stella yelled and everyone started clapping and congratulating him.

“You were in on this, too?” He asked Stella and then Walker, who had just walked in on the celebration.

Stella laid her arms on her brother and Colby’s shoulders. “Oh, look at him, honeys. Our little Jimmy's all growed up.” She playfully sniffled and wiped a fake tear away. Colby and Ryan played along and consoled her. “Also somebody call the academy. I deserve an award for the performance.”

“Thanks.” Jimmy smiled at the guys trying to forget his annoyance. The wranglers went back to their poker game, pleased with the turnout of getting Jimmy a hat.

Jimmy stepped up to Stella. “Thank you.”

“Of course Jaybird.” He smiled at the nickname. “We’ll get you fitted up right if it kills us.” She leaned closer to him and whispered, “I told you they’d come around.” She smiled and squeezed his shoulder.

Jimmy walked over to his bunk and everyone including Stella screamed. “No, no, don't put it on the bed!”

“Jesus fuck.” Ryan exclaimed.

“That's bad luck, Jimmy.” Lloyd explained.

“You can't give him anything.”

“Is there any way to undo that, or…,” Jimmy sounded worried he asked Walker.

Walker sighed and laid down. He seemed bummed. “Hell, Jimmy, if you cowboy into this outfit, you're already cursed.”

Stella glanced at him. “You good?”

“I guess.” He replied curtly.

Stella frowned but figured it would be best to walk away. “Hey Lloyd? Can you look at my hands? Rip wasn’t sure my docterin’ was good enough.”

“Of course lil’ bit. Here and take my seat. I’ll get the first aid kit.” He traded spots with her. He left to go to the bathroom and grab the kit.

Ryan watched as Colby leaned over and started gently taking off the medical tape Stella had put around her hands and fingers. She hissed as the tape caught some skin from her right middle and ring finger. They were the gnarliest.

“Damn girl, what did you do?”

“I was panicking trying to get Snoopy loose from barbed wire.” She laughed through the pain that emanated from her hand. “Didn’t know Rip had cutters.”

Colby whistled. “You sure know how to have a good time don’t you?”

“If that’s what you wanna call it, sure.” She chuckled stiffly. Lloyd came out of the bathroom hallway and came back to the table.

“My god, Stella.” Her eyes widened because it was rare that Lloyd used her actual name.

“I know it looks bad, but once I get it washed off it’ll be better.” She stood and made her way to the bathroom sink.

“Why’re you going there?”

“I’m not gonna have my blood in the sink we all use for food and dishes. That’s gross.” There were certain lines she wouldn’t cross. That was one of them.

Looking in the mirror, she could tell the day had been rough. The past few days had been rough. Hell, the whole last week had been. She turned on the water and examined her face while she waited for it to get warm. The dark circles on her face carved a wide path underneath her eyes. It looked like she’d been punched.

Stella flicked a finger in the water to test the temperature. It was warm enough so she grabbed the soap and gently scrubbed her hands. It started stinging and she grit her teeth. She washed the last of the soap and blood off and looked around for a towel. She found a wash rag and figured it would do.

She walked back out to the leader of the pack and held out her hands. “Okay so it’s still not great, but I don’t need stitches. So that’s a plus.”

“Sit.” Lloyd pointed to the chair. “Colby get up.” Everyone but her brother quickly skirted to their respective spaces.

“Ryan, you get her other hand.”

Stella laid her left arm out for her brother. The cut across her left palm wasn’t as bad as the ones on her fingers on the other hand. Both men got to work. Neither of them talked to her in their concentration. Looking around the room she looked at Jimmy. As they locked eyes she winced at a particularly tender part of her fingers.

Jimmy meandered over and took a seat across from her. “Need a distraction?”

“Probably. You got anything good to talk about?”

“So,” Jimmy tapped the table trying to come up with something. “Snoopy is doing good. He was still a little spooky when I checked on him.”

“He’ll settle out over the next day or so.” She smirked. “Also look at you using me and Kayce’s lingo!”

“You might have rubbed off on me.”

She looked at her brother. “I told you I could get through to him.”

Ryan looked up at her under his eyebrows with a scowl.

“What?” She made a face at her brother.

He looked at her hands and back at her. Stella instantly knew he was pissed she tore her them up. More so that she got hurt in general. Her shoulders dropped when she realized. She felt Lloyd wrapping the last one of her fingers and Ryan let go of her hand as he finished. Jimmy watched the whole silent conversation in awe.

“None of it was intentional, Ry.”

“I told you to be careful, and you said never before you left.”

Stella grabbed his hand. “I was joking when I said that. Out of everyone here, well except maybe Jimmy, I’m probably the most cautious. I panicked because Rip was considering shooting Snoopy so when he caught his breath he didn’t drag the officer all to hell.” She let go of his hand and put hers on her chest. “A horse I helped train with Lee and Kayce. I couldn’t let him do it. I didn’t know he had cutters, otherwise I would have used them first instead of trying to untangle him with my bare hands.”

The vibe in the room shifted. The mention of Lee sobered everyone up really quick.

“Snoopy is one of the things I have to keep him alive. He’s proof that I learned something and made a friend while I was at it.”

Ryan sat back in his chair with a sigh. “We’ve gotta work on your self preservation, but I understand why you did it.”

“We’ll get somewhere one day. I gotta go find Rip. See what he wants me to do.” Stella stood and walked over to Jimmy. She squeezed his shoulder. “Thank you for taking care of Snoopy for me.”

She came up to the lodge pleased to see that the lights were still on. Her hand raised and she thumped the door a couple times and stood back. A couple coyotes could be heard way off in the distance. They were far enough away that Stella didn’t worry. And if they suddenly came up on her she would just barge into Rip’s house and apologize later. She was sure that he didn’t lock the door. Knocking was just out of respect and common courtesy.

The door opened, Rip looking irritated as ever. “Woah there grumpy Gus. It’s just me.” Stella snorted. When he realized who was at his door, his face softened.

“Everything alright?” He asked, looking like he was preparing for more headache.

“Oh yeah, everything’s fine. I just wanted to see what you wanted me to do.”

Rip’s eyebrows dropped. “Meaning?”

Her face scrunched up in question. “Meaning should I stay at the ranch tonight to go in the morning, or?”

“Oh yeah you probably should stay. I know John said you weren’t going, but I’m sure he’ll want you there.” He stood back and waved her into the house. “You left your stuff here during your great escape this morning. I put it on the table.”

Stella stepped into the lodge and spotted her orange book bag and key lanyard sitting where Rip said it would be. She gripped it up and swung the strap over her shoulder.

“You can stay here again if you want?” Rip offered.

Stella laughed, turning around to head back out the door. “I’ll let you have some peace before tomorrow morning. Plus I have a couple extra things at the bunkhouse.” Remembering she had been banned she stopped and spun back to him. His eyebrows were raised. She scratched her head and looked down. “I mean if that’s okay.”

Rip was quiet. The silence made Stella rock back and forth on her feet. Monica called it the “mom rock”. He sighed and shook his head. “Okay I’ll let it slide tonight. Once this situation is taken care of, no bunkhouse still, but you can hang around.”

“Eeee,” Stella squealed and ran over to him. She jumped just high enough to be able to grab his shoulders and hug him tight. He hugged her back holding most of her weight, allowing her feet to swing back and forth. She dropped down and backed up. “Thank you. I’ll try to be on my best behavior.”

“You better be,” he swatted at her shoulder as she turned around to leave. He called out to her as she left. “I’ll come get you in the mornin’!”

A faint, “okay,” floated back through the door. He smirked to himself and shook his head at the soft spot he had for her.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I’ve spent the last few weeks watching the ACMS streams from Edinburgh 2019, which might be the longest I’ve gone on any comedy thing, since starting this blog, without writing a post about it. Normally I’m writing posts about things as I’m watching (reading, listening to) them, but I happened to dive into this one while I was having a breakdown and dealing with a bunch of other really difficult stuff, and just wanted to watch and not write, and now I’ve realized I managed to watch all ~40 hours without mentioning it on this blog at all.

ACMS is a mixed-bill thing that runs in London and Edinburgh where Thom Tuck and John-Luke Roberts host a bunch of different comedians to do whatever they like, it’s the sort of thing that I want to understand better. In that I often tend to not “get” clowning or experimental-type comedy, with some significant exceptions (oh my God was John Kearns' latest stand-up special ever great), but by and large, I like my comedy to come from a person standing there while saying stuff into a microphone. ACMS has some of that. And also a lot of other things.

I’d seen bits of their stuff on YouTube before, their Comedy Blaps (featuring quite a few well-known people) and some clips that had been recorded there. And I saw one night of it live when I was in Edinburgh a couple of months ago. That was… well, it was a thing I’d wanted to experience while I was in Edinburgh. There were a lot of acts on. A couple of them were good. A bunch of them I did not enjoy so much. But it was 2 AM and I was watching people do weird things I didn’t understand and I felt like I was “experiencing the festival”. And Thom Tuck was hosting and he was great fun.

They livestreamed all sixteen nights that they did from the 2019 Edinburgh Festival, and I was sent the videos from those streams months ago, early this year sometime. At the time I was quite excited to look through them, but ended up just skimming them – skipping through and watching a few bits and pieces that looked interesting, but not all of it. Because the whole sixteen-video collection was nearly 40 hours of footage, and at the time I was deeply into my binge-listen of either Elis James & John Robins stuff or Peacock & Gamble stuff, I’m not sure but either way I could not fit forty hours of video into my schedule.

Actually, I think it was probably the former, because I do remember at one point stopping it at some random point, when Thom Tuck was fairly disoriented and/or drunk, and was trying to bring on the next act but didn’t know who it was, so he just started saying stuff, and announced that the next comedian on would be Ian Boldsworth. Which got a big laugh, and I remember that when I first watched that on a skim, I did not get the joke. When I got to that point again this week, I went, “Ohhhh, I get it now. It’s because this was 2019, so Ian Boldsworth was definitely not waiting in the wings to appear on a comedy show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, he was sitting in a house in the middle of nowhere in England, hating every single person in that building, probably every person in that city. Good joke, Thom.”

That is one of the few reasons why I knew Thom Tuck from before. I didn’t know a lot about him going into this. I knew he was pretty good on one episode of Do The Right Thing. I knew he used to be in a sketch group with Humphrey Kerr, posh tall man who used to flirt with Jon Richardson on 8 Out of 10 Cats/Catsdown, and with David Reed, guy who married Danielle Ward (I’ll say the same thing here that I say about Jonny & the Baptists and Gary Delaney – defining a woman by her better-known male partner about is problematic, but I’m pretty sure it’s fine the other way). I knew they were supposed to win the Perrier Award instead of David O’Doherty but got deemed ineligible for being a play, I don’t know why I knew that, I guess I heard someone mention it on some podcast or other.

Anyway, the other thing I knew about Thom Tuck is that he was incredibly funny on the Peacock & Gamble stuff. They interviewed him from Edinburgh in 2012, and then had him back on their FUBAR Radio thing in 2014, and his episode of the latter is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Peacock & Gamble at their best in general is among the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, and their segment with Thom Tuck as a guest was one of the funniest bits in that entire radio run, and Ian Boldsworth gets a lot of the credit for that but Thom Tuck sure deserves a fair bit as well (and, you know, also some to Ed Gamble).

So I didn’t know a huge amount about Thom Tuck when going into this, but I’ve sure watched more of him now. I knew a bit more about John-Luke Roberts. A couple of years ago, I read all this stuff about him doing brilliant absurdist theatre and revolutionizing comedy, and I thought, “I want to be able to understand cool things like experimental comedy. Maybe I’ll watch that and see if I can find a way to enjoy it.” His 2022 Edinburgh show, A World Just Like Our Own But…, had just been livestreamed on NextUp, so I watched that. And I was shocked at how incredibly easy it was to enjoy. So funny, so smart, so well-written, captivating, so accessible for something that was so absurdist. I then went to Go Faster Stripe and watched one of his other shows – I can’t write the whole title, it’s the one with a title that’s like an MIA song. I liked that one a lot as well. I’m glad I watched them in that order, because I think the 2022 one was a bit more accessible, so I went into the MIA-titled one with a better idea of what sort of thing he does, and that made it easier to understand. But neither was hard going, at all. They were just good. Really, really good.

So I went into these ACMS videos with a good opinion of both the guys who host it. A few weeks ago, I decided my schedule is a bit clearer so I should finally watch these things for real. I went through all 40 hours, finished it last night.

It was… I mean, I’m glad I watched it. Felt like I experienced the Fringe. The good stuff and the bad stuff. Some of the acts were really entertaining. Some were the sort of thing where I could tell they’re probably good at what they do, it’s just not my thing. Some where things where I think I might enjoy it if I saw a full hour and I were in that room in person, it just doesn’t really translate to seven minutes on a screen five years later. Some seemed like they’re probably good at this, but were using ACMS to try out wild untested ideas, and not all of them worked. And some of them seemed like they might just be shit at comedy. To be honest, with my limited understanding of the more alt- side of alternative comedy, I couldn’t always tell the difference between that last option, and the middle ones. But I gave it a good guess. And I got properly entertained by at least a couple of the acts who were on each of the nights.

To be honest, my favourite parts were the compering. Which means I think my favourite nights were earlier in the festival, when Thom Tuck and John-Luke Roberts were both on. They’re both so quick-witted, and clearly so experienced at working together in this specific format, their dynamic was enormous fun. A huge amount of playfulness, a tiny bit of tension, enough inside jokes to be borderline obnoxious, but I like borderline obnoxious inside jokes.

That came up in the podcast stuff I went looking for, after really enjoying both the hosts. I went and listened to their ComComPod episodes Thom Tuck’s from 2015 and John-Luke Roberts’ from 2018. John-Luke Roberts’ was a brilliant episode, I thought. He came off as so incredibly intelligent throughout it, had so many thoughtful things to say, and it all felt really natural. I wrote a post recently in which I threw out some names of comedians who come across as really intelligent in their work and/or when they’re just talking unscripted, and I really want to add John-Luke Roberts to that list after listening to him go back and forth with Stuart Goldsmith.

Here’s a specific thing I noticed while listening to this: John-Luke Roberts and Stuart Goldsmith are both people who are unafraid of a little dead air, and that’s to their credit. So often, when I’m listening to an interview, I’ll hear a really complex question to which I’d love a complex answer, but the person has to reply immediately, and even if they’re given ample time to talk (which they’re often not), they’re not given ample time to think. I often think I wish they could get the questions in advance, go away and really consider what their answer is, and them back and explain it in greater detail than they could off the cuff.

There were several points during John-Luke Roberts’ ComComPod episode when Stuart Goldsmith would ask him one of those really deep and thought-provoking questions, and John-Luke Roberts would take a noticeable amount of time, like 5 or 10 seconds, before answering. A few times I looked at my phone to make sure I hadn’t accidentally paused it or anything. Stuart Goldsmith employed the technique that I’ve heard him use in a lot of interviews, where he’ll ask a question and then just shut up for ages, letting his guest talk themselves around to a more interesting point than they could get to if Goldsmith were jumping in with the natural ways that interviews usually guide conversations along. But combine this with John-Luke Roberts’ willingness to stop and think before answering, and you got some odd-sounding pauses. Followed by interesting discussions.

Thom Tuck’s episode was… different from that. I mean, it was also interesting. But it was different from most interviews I’d heard. There was a surprising amount of tension underlying most of the conversation, which I found fairly entertaining, but also odd. Stuart Goldsmith made it clear that he’s a huge fan of Thom Tuck’s work, possibly to the point where this is why Stuart challenged him harder than he’d usually go, like he expected more of Thom. And it was clear that they’re friend in real life, which you’d have to be, to be able to say some of the stuff they said to each other. For example, when Stuart Goldsmith said: “Do you think the accusation could be levelled at [ACMS] – […] – I mean, it’s kind of a kind of a hothouse of really exciting artistic ideas and stuff like that, and is it also at the same time, a kind of clique-y, sixth former-y, self-congratulatory experience?”

That is an amazing thing to say to Thom Tuck’s face at all, much less to leave it in the edit of a podcast. Mainly because, based on my experience with ACMS (16 nights from Edinburgh 2019 experienced via videos, one night in person in Edinburgh 2024), it’s very accurate. Thom Tuck says as much, and then says he thinks it’s okay because the audience are part of that clique. Which is a good answer. Like I said, it’s borderline obnoxious in its level of inside jokes, but the audience are in on the joke, and that’s fun. I enjoyed watching a lot of it because I frequently like comedy that’s sort of clique-y and self-congratulatory. But it definitely is that, and… I mean, if you think your friend has made something that flawed, you’re supposed to say so to other friends, behind their back, like everyone else does. Not to them directly. And definitely not on a podcast that you publish.

That’s just one example from an interview that was overall riddled with an odd tension that gave it an interesting edge. Fairly soon after the above quote, Stuart Goldsmith made a joke about how obviously Thom Tuck must be exaggerating how drunk he is on stage at ACMS, because if he were really that drunk that often then it would be a sign of a problem, that sure would be bad, but obviously it’s fine. A fairly soft joke, that Thom Tuck responded to by saying of course he plays up how drunk he is on stage, but even if he didn’t that would be fine, because alcoholism isn’t even a real thing, actually, people just call it that because they have to put labels on things, they’re all convinced that if you drink a lot it’s some huge problem but really it’s just a fake construct, and it’s all bullshit anyway, it’s not a big deal. And Stuart eventually managed to regain control of the conversation enough to point out that he was being disproportionately defensive and angry, and did he want to explain to why? To which Thom Tuck said “I drink too much,” and then the discussion take a sharp turn.

I’ve got to give Stuart Goldsmith credit for that one, actually. I think he handled it expertly, finding his slightly prickly but overall relatively normal and jokey chat accidentally suddenly turned into a discussion of his interviewee’s drinking problem. Such a familiar discussion, too. “Obviously I’m not an alcoholic, that’s actually a term with definitions so complex that they’re basically meaningless, I just drink too much but there’s no need to label it” – as I listened to Thom Tuck say that stuff on a podcast, all I could think was, “Wow, that sounds a lot like bullshit. Which I know because I’ve said that stuff lots of times over years, and I was always bullshitting when I said it. But you don’t realize just how bullshit your own words sound until you hear them from someone else.”

Stuart Goldsmith steered things real quick into his therapy angles, and an interesting discussion came out of it. The other thing I think I learned from listening to that chat in particular was – “Oh, there’s something wrong with him. That’s what it is. He’s one of those people with something wrong with him.” I realized that I don’t expect that from the alt-comedians. I observe the alternative, experimental comedy people from the outside, trying to understand what they’re doing, assuming everything they do and say is carefully created and crafted to give a certain impression. I don’t assume the same thing about straight stand-ups – obviously I know they have also created and crafted an act, but you can see the way the things they say are shaped by the type of person they are (usually – sometimes it seems like they’re trying to lie about it, but that can be interesting too). I realized that, when I was watching all the stuff get said in these ACMS videos and I was trying to guess why they were making certain choices, it hadn’t actually occurred to me that the reason Thom Tuck gets on stage and acts like there’s something wrong with him, is that there’s something wrong with him. I mean, obviously he’s also acting and doing his job, the way every comedian gets on stage and gets into a persona. But it’s not all a perfectly curated illusion, just because it’s alternative. Sometimes, if I don’t “get” what they’re doing, it’s because there’s nothing to get. The guy’s just drunk.

I listened to his ComComPod episode about halfway through the ACMS videos – before I heard it, I’d assumed he was pretending to be drunk. After I heard it, I thought he’s probably not pretending, and that seemed a lot more likely. Exaggerating, and playing it up, I’m sure. Not entirely pretending.

Thom Tuck isn’t even all that “alternative”, I don’t think. Not like John-Luke Roberts, with his absurdist theatre. I’m pretty sure Thom Tuck just does regular stand-up, when he’s not compering stuff. I’ll find out soon. I’ve gone back to Go Faster Stripe and bought the one Thom Tuck stand-up show that’s on there, which is from 2011. It’s about Disney sequels, which was the show he was discussing when he appeared on Peacock & Gamble; it sounded really interesting there, and it didn’t occur to me until this week to check whether it had been recorded.

I’ve also bought all the other John-Luke Roberts shows that are on Go Faster Stripe. There are four of them in total. I think I’m going to watch all four in order, re-watching the two I’d seen before. I’m interested in how that’ll look now that I’ve seen him do more stuff.

So anyway, this post has gone in quite a few different directions. It’s because I’ve got several weeks worth of comedy that I’ve suddenly decided I want to write about all at once. I’m sure there will be more posts on this subject, as I think of more things I want to share. But in the meantime, I’m very glad I watched that stuff, all 40 hours, even the minutes that were not the best. It’s sure an experience. And I did discover some stuff I liked. The two main comperes, for a start – I’ve not got one Thom Tuck show and several John-Luke Roberts shows to watch. Those videos are where I first discovered John Hastings – when I skimmed them initially, I happened to watch a couple of John Hastings appearances, liked them a lot, bought his stuff on Bandcamp, liked that too, then he put some stuff on YouTube, I’m now a proper fan of his. There were a few other people who were new to me and whom I enjoy enough to look up, after this proper watch. And a few people I already liked, and enjoyed seeing in a different environment.

Anyway, I think I'll cut this rambling off here. I'm sure I will come up with further ramblings for follow-up posts in the near future.

[polizwrites]

PoliZ's WIP Update - 6 March 2024

Still busy IRL and was out of town this weekend, which cut een more into my writing time/energy.   I touched  3 fics (2 new works & 1 WIPs) for a total of  1136  words.  

On Ao3, I posted: 

Chapter Two of  A Vision of Things To Come - WinterIron time travel shenanigans with wartime!Bucky. 

On Tumblr I posted: 

The Battle of New York -  Steve POV ficlet of the title event. 

I’m juggling  18 😬 active/semi-active WIPs with my current  deadline being the  Bucky Barnes Birthday Bash  (March 10) and the Post July Break Bingo, which ends in April. 

See  below cut for what I’m working on/planning to work on - arranged more or less by bingos/challenges/etc.  As always, feel free to send me   prompts or plot bunnies as well as asks regarding  any of these projects  or any other WIPs I’ve got out there.   Interaction really helps feed the Muse and keep me motivated!

Stony AUniverse Bingo  [SAUB_R1] (ends 15 Feb)

Final count - twenty-one fills for five bingos - hoping this event comes back so I can carry over a couple of squares!   Masterpost forthcoming….   

Captain (America) Bottom Bingo - Round 2 [CABB] (ends 28 Feb 2024)

I signed up for a 3x3 card for this bingo and managed a blackout plus an adopted square - Masterpost forthcoming!  

Bucky Barnes Birthday Bash - [BBE_B4] (fic due Mar 10) 

Another fun quickie event from the folks over at @buckybarnesevents! Participants build a fanwork  ‘cake’  by choosing the following ingredients - a base Universe, a Trope or Quote as the filling, another characters as the frosting and a color, kink and/or date idea as the topping.   

I started up a  Wartime Bucky/Steve fic - working to incorporate Forced Proximity/Only One Bed and Competency/ Strength/ Size Difference Kink     This could also fill my SRB E5 - Oversensitivity/Enhanced Senses and JBB “It’s you. It’s always been you.” squares.  It’s sitting at 184 words so far & am targeting Sat or Sunday to post.   

Post July Break Bingo  [JBB_23p] (Ends Apr 2024)

One fill on my  2x3 non-fandom-specific card - still working on  potential crossovers.

* A1 - “It’s you. It’s always been you.” - See BBE_B4 above 

* B2 - Character’s personality is split into two different beings – I’ve never played with Bucky & the Soldier being two different people, but this seems like the perfect opportunity! Will see what might be a good crossover on one of my open cards.

*  C1 - Touch Starved – another good fit for a Bucky-centric fic. (Steve or Tony or Clint).

Steve Rogers Bingo - Round 3 [SRB_R3] (ends  15 Jun 2024)

Eleven fills and one WIP at the moment  - need to ponder other possible crossovers with my non-fandom cards & BaBB.  

* A1 - Steve can actually dance just fine - Matched this up with the Flash Fiction Friday prompt  [#FFF238 Take My Hand]  for   Finding a Partner -  where Steve & Natasha go dancing (potential pre-slash). It came in at  239 words and will post to Ao3 before the event is over.    

* C5 - Exes to Lovers  -  Maybe pair up with BaBB  Argument?   

* E5 - Oversensitivity/Enhanced Senses - see BBE_B4 above. 

Bucky Barnes Connect Four - Alt Jun-iverse [BBC4_R2]  {Ends May 31 2024}

The good folks over at @buckybarnesevents  have opened this event up early!  You sign up for a single row card of four squares and the challenge is to see if you can combine any/all into a single Bucky-centric AU fanwork - although you can also create 2-4 separate fanworks if you want.  

The combo of prompts on my first card [Reality Show,  Omegaverse, Talent/Manager, Royalty] sparked an idea that I’m about 230 words + misc notes into already -  Alpha!Bucky as a technical prince   who gets talked into joining a reality show that is supposed to match him up with an omega… but there’s a twist!  Planning to pick this back up in the next week or so.  

Hawkeyes Bingo [HB_R2] {Ends TBD} 

Just signed up for this fun Tumblr event - got a 3x3 card and and am looking forward to creating more  Clint-centric content and trying my hand at a bit of  Kate Bishop fic as well!    

*A1 - Werewolf AU -  wrote Shooting for the Moon -  Werewolf!Bucky’s POV on the  second half of A Hairy Situation. It came in at 811 words and will get posted to Ao3 sometime in the next couple weeks. 

* A3 - Awkward Flirting – this might be a good entry into my first femslash fic with Kate/Yelena?    

Build-A-Bucky Bingo [BaBB_R1] {Ends Oct 2024}

Another fun year-long  event from the folks at  @buckybarnesevents!  Each month there’s a list of prompts and you choose (at least) one  each month for your card!

* November:  Crackfic - DONE  

* December: Wingman  - DONE

* January: Wingfic  - DONE *January: Polyamory - DONE

* February -  Fingering -  DONE * February - Morning Sex - DONE

* March  -  The Marriage of Convenience  prompt could slot nicely into the next chapter of   Lady Natasha’s Consort and Lord Steve’s Companion, which is currently sitting at 301 words.

WinterIron Bingo Round 2  [WIB_R2]

Signups are open for Round Two of this super-fun bingo event!

Hoping I get something on my card I can squish into the latest chapter of  My Love is Vengeance - as I’ve picked that back up and am 1109 words into Chapter Seven.

Warm and Fluffy   Bingo  [WFB]   (no end date)

Four  fills on my card, courtesy of   @warmandfluffybingocards  - need to try for another crossover or two!

————

On  other creative fronts:  I am working on Drusilla and Secchan ZenKaiger figures for  commissions.  I’ve finished all my  Marvel Trumps Hate  figures, but still need to create posts (and mail one set). 

If  you’re looking for one of a kind gifts for birthdays or other celebrations, check  out Stuffed With Character    over on Facebook for a full list of my designs (now over 150!).   These soft stuffed figures are  mostly Marvel and monsters, but I have some Star Wars, Star Trek, DC   and Disney figures as well. Plus I love to take custom design   requests  for any fandom!

[lightlycareless]

Hi! I’m a big fan of works and they’ve inspired me a lot to start writing fanfiction again(specifically Naoya lol). It’s been probably over 10 years since I’ve written fanfiction(Although I do write my own original works) and I’ve been horrified to write fanfiction again after how my first fanfic was treated when I wrote it as a kid(the criticism was valid but they were mean af about it). So I was wondering if you have any tips you could share about writing fanfiction and how you balance characterization as well as character growth for a character like Naoya who in canon does not really have any? I hope this makes sense. I’m willing to elaborate further if it doesn’t but if you don’t wanna answer this, it’s totally fine too-💚

Hi!!! Omg thank you so so much!! I'm so flattered :')))) akgakjgjakjgujka I never thought i'd be in this position, idk, like, I was the one that looked up to others you know?

but aaaaah thank you so much for your lovely words 🥺❤️

Now onto the good stuff hehehe.

So, I guess the best way about characterization, at least what I think has helped me (and how I handle it? excuse me if it doesn't make sense hahah) is trying to first analyze the environment in which said character grew in, how it affects him, and how it has affected people in real life. (cause at the end of the day, reality surpasses fiction)

For example: with what little we got from Naoya in the manga (extras included) I can easily say Naoya is not liked, thus, he’s very lonely. The type of person that surrounds himself with “yes-people” because of what they represent, not because of who they really are. Of course, the older he got the more cold/resentful he became, but even then, I was sure that he always craved what he never had in his life, a family. Love. Appreciation for who he is. All humans want that, we’re social people, we live in societies for a reason. We need to have companionship, either through partners, or friendships.

I also get the idea that, even when he was supposed to be the next heir, no one really wanted him. Like, he got the job because “There was no one else” to do it, not because he was the best candidate. I have no doubt that if Naoya failed his weird plan of getting rid of Megumi, or whatever he did he didn’t become heir anyways, he wouldn’t know what the hell to do with his life, an identity crisis would certainly be on his way.

Anyways, in order to get inspiration I tend to hear lots of podcasts about people and their peculiar stories, true crime even, it’s how I concluded that Naoya is definitely a womanizer not because he likes the act (I’m sure he does) but because he craves attention, and he needs it whenever he can. That kind of stuff, you know? A lot of psychology stuff too, it helps you understand what traits a lonely person can inhibit, their actions, what different environments do to different people, so on and so forth.

Also, reading other stories is certainly very inspiring/productive too :> I can easily say that Naoya and his family is based on the Todoroki’s from bnha: prodigy child, rest of the children are neglected, some of then even jealous… it just made sense. And I’m sure there’s more examples like that. There’s no shame in getting inspired by other works, as long as it’s not a carbon copy, you know?

In the end, I guess the best way to do characterization/character growth is to do lots of brainstorming, in the sense of: what is the environment that this character grew in? the problems he can face in such place, the reaction, his main goal, what he’s doing to obtain it, and so on. Developing these things will make the pieces slowly fall into place when it comes to making a character’s background/growth/personality 🤭it’s really fun, more so when you have a blank canvas to work on 😏

Well, I hope it was of any help!! I really don’t know how else to describe how I do these things, I just spend most of my time daydreaming and such. But still, if there’s anything else you’d like for me to further explain, just let me know and I’ll do my best ❤️

Take care, and hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

P.S. Don’t let reviews discourage you from writing fanfiction!! I know everyone has their opinion, but at the end of the day it’s your work, and if they don’t like it, they can write their own!! 🥺 so cheer up!

[tadpolesonalgae]

I've seen people say that cbmthy is turning into a eris story but i can't help but think it's a bas x reader story or not even that. We don't see reader with the ic and when she is she's miserable. Azriel only treats her like an assignment and even Eris doesn't really show up. Honestly the past 4-5 chapters have felt like fillers and just to show her relationship with the Ic and bas but I think those could have been shown in at least only 2 chapters. I don't want to try to tell you how to write your story but i thought after Azriel found out about her powers that the story would actually move but it just got slower. We don't know anything about her powers still, she's just training by herself or reading by herself even though she's surrounded by family and she hasn't made any improvements on herself either. I feel like we've been getting shown how shitty her mind state is for 10 chapters and gotten basically no plot yet. Azriel found out about her powers and i honestly thought that the week he gave her would go by from one chapter to the other but it's been going for 3 or 4 chapters already. I don't mind bas either because he's really the only character she seems to actually like spending time with but if the story isn't supposed to be about them i don't see the point of that. Her infatuation with Azriel feels like a schoolgirl crush and since there's been no feelings on his side and hers feel superficial because she cant even be herself with him like she is with Bas and I'm guessing she'll actually get some sort of character development eventually i don't see this ending up being a Azriel story. They have no chemistry.

Okay so, admittedly that was difficult for me to read, but I can see your point.

From what you’ve said, I’ve inferred that the pacing seems to be the issue as well as no chemistry or progression with her and Az—which since you’re reading this story because it’s and Azriel fic, I can understand that frustration.

However, I would like to remind you I’m not forcing you to continue reading it.

Under other circumstances I might have tried to convince you to stay since I’ve put a lot of time and effort into this story and mapped out the plot in my free time, but it feels like I’ve lost your interest, and that’s completely fine.

I understand the story is going very slowly at the moment, but that’s the pace I’ve chosen to show how heavy and dragging life can feel when you’re trapped in that headspace, and if that sort of thing isn’t for you, that’s fine, but I am sorry that you’ve ended up reading for so long and finding yourself disappointed with how it’s going. I would suggest taking a step back and considering if you want to continue putting your time into reading cbmthy instead of something else if you aren’t enjoying it—I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

[20dimensionsoftangerine]

20 D20 Fanfics

My friend @remidyal ranked their fics once they had written 20 of them. I have just finished my 20th story so I’d figure I would do that too! Dice rules so 1 is the worst and 20 is the best

1. Drowning in the Ink

I had the thought ‘what if Rosamund and Gerard got caught when they went to find Elody’. I still think this is a good thought and want to re-explore it but my execution in this story wasn’t the best. Writing it before the finale was out meant I was working with half knowledge on a lot of characters that I think shows. Plus, I saw a lot of people on Tumblr saying the Princesses’ plan was actually good and I got annoyed at that and it definitely bled through in the story too much. I’ll probably redo and expand this one sometime in the future!

2. Old Habits

I often dislike my most recent creations. It’s got too much me on it still. I haven’t distanced myself from the art yet. So this one was me trying a few things outside of my comfort zone and I really don’t feel like any of them turned out as well as they could have. I can barely even speak of it at this point the emotions are too fresh!

3. Safety

Not much to say about this. Shortest thing I’ve ever written and I do like how it turned out but it’s definitely… short. I enjoy Gorgug and Adaine interacting, I enjoy Adaine scared, but nothing makes this little guy stand out.

4. Half Siblings are a Whole Deal

This one honestly isn’t even supposed to be good. It’s a direct retelling of canon featuring my OC, that premise isn’t going to win any Hugo awards! But it’s fun and I want to explore how Fig’s character would change if she wasn’t going through her family drama alone. If she had to be, heaven forbid, responsible. I do plan on continuing it! I’ve got some good ideas for the end that I’ve already set up.

5. Additions to the Beehive

I think this one is so low just because I didn’t really like the latest chapter I put out. Plus, I don’t really have a solid plan for this story. I have a few scenes I want to do, character beats and themes I want to flesh out, but exactly what’s going to happen is a mystery. The title’s really solid though.

6. Blight

Pains me to put this so low because Remidyal’s Poison series is so solid and Penelope Everpetal is so fun but I kinda stumbled through it. There’s a couple sections I straight up should have deleted and a couple more I should have added. I do think I got the right vibe down, though, and I really want to do more with Penelope in the future.

7. Sneaking In Sneaking Out

I’m going to be honest, I just wanted to write some scenes about sneaking into buildings. It was really fun and I felt clever writing it. I also liked making Aelwyn really really mean especially because Remidyal had posted Camp right before where she was pretty darn nice. Not much happening in this story but it was fun!

8. No Blood Relations

I dunno this one is fine. As stated before, exploring Fig having to go through her parents divorce with someone is very compelling. I also liked pitting Adaine and Fig against each other a little bit, it felt very real to how siblings of divorce act. Too real. I’m kind of blocking it out.

9. Tender Love and Care

I liked this one a lot. It’s supposed to be romance but I don’t think I really it comes through (because I’m bad with romance) but I really liked getting into a desperate Fabian’s head. I think I did well with the physical environment in this one too, something I usually struggle with. And the line at the end of Fabian’s section? Where it says ‘he prayed to the only god he ever believed in. “Kristen please.”’. I know I’m the one who wrote it but I think about it daily.

10. Ring a Bell

Right in the middle! I really like the chapters I have out for this one so far and I’m excited for the plan of where I’m taking it. Only time will tell if I can pull it off into being a good cohesive story but for now this bad boy has potential!

11. Please Wake Up, Please Don’t Sleep

My other Neverafter Fic! This one I am much more proud of. I think I really got the voices of all the characters down and managed to make an interesting little scene out of a relatively simple concept. Rosumand is just a teenager! Someone give her a hug I am begging.

12. For Want of Citizenship

I think this story is severely underrated honestly. I got Goldenhoard’s voice down pat and the pacing of the story flowed really well with nice details that I often forget to include to center the reader. Plus, it’s a ‘what if’ scenario that gnawed at me from the moment the pieces were in place and I was sad nothing ever came of it in canon. Patched a hole in my mind this story did.

13. Horrified Looks from Everyone in the Room

Ah, the story to start us off. My second highest kudos still. Which is wild. It’s a good fic for sure! I think Fabian’s and Riz’s sections both shone and it really started off my addiction of giving Adaine a Bad Time. Definitely things I would change about it if I had to do it again but overall I can see why it’s still so popular and I’m very proud of it!

14. Rule Number One

The other story to kick things off! Can’t believe the prompt ‘Riz lets Biz think they’re friends just a little longer’ started a whole expanded AU. I still think this one’s great! Sticking in Riz’s point of view so the reader couldn’t even tell Adaine was having a whole episode until she started sobbing mid sentence was wonderful. Riz’s guilt and justifications were so juicy. And! Everyone liked my weird Rule quirk I gave to Adaine which I had fun playing with. This one isn’t higher because I think some of the information about the changes in this AU could have been given out in a smoother way but overall one of my best.

15. Fabian’s Sister and Other Perks of Punching an Ambassador

Firstly, name’s bad. My worst titled fic. But it’d okay we love it anyway. I very much like what I’ve got going on with this story. Exploring Fabian and Adaine’s relationship in a unique light, fleshing out Bill and especially Hallariel, even fleshing out some of Fabian and Adaine’s insecurities! I’m nearing sort of the end of the fic (I’m at least half way through) and I’m excited where it’s going too! There are some things I wish I had spent more time on (the other bad kids, Cathilda, ect) but what I do have is solid and streamlined enough for me not to be too sad about that!

16. The Good Wizard Gorgug

My. Most. Underrated. Fic! This is such a solid story I adore it. Gorgug is my baby boy and it was so much fun exploring Adaine’s character through him. The steady climb of them becoming better and better friends, growing more confident and relaxed around each other, only for it to all come crashing down to be slowly built up once again. I love it! I love Wizard Gorgug! What a good good boy.

17. Babysitting a (High) Elf

This one was also fairly recent but I really liked how it turned out! There were things I wanted to explore with this, Gorthalax’s guilt about not being there for Fig all these years, Adaine’s complicated emotions about being abandoned, and I felt I pulled it off well. I also think I did a good job making it funny and writing high Adaine as silly while still noticeably herself. Until I sucker punched her at the end. I couldn’t resist though.

18. Mastermind Introductions

Everything I set out to do in this fic I did flawlessly. I wanted to rewrite Adaine’s introduction scene and hit a lot of the same ‘beats’ but with the special AU twist. Aelwyn and her fight in the beginning (where Adaine kind of started it and then very much failed to end it), stealing the book and then being embarrassed by Fig and Kristen’s help, stuff like that! I really felt like I pulled it off and introduced the other Bad Kids just as well as I did Adaine. If I would change anything it would just to tweak a few details to fit better in my new vision for the overall AU. But besides that it’s a flawless work!

19. The Young Oracle

Yes! I was really worried about this one because of all of the weird time jumps. But I couldn’t not have weird time jumps. It was a story about a very powerful diviner! It couldn’t have time be linear! And I think it wouldn’t have made sense if everything had been in order, funnily enough. But besides all that I really like the tone I set for the story, the details I put into the world, (how I managed it without ever watching SY), and I have been thinking about the expanded version of this AU excessively. Is it a perfect story? Nah, but I adore it perhaps the most of all my fics.

20. Property Of

In a move that caught even me by surprise, Property Of wins! It’s my first muti-chapter I’ve finished, it’s got a really solid character arc, and I feel like I let the tone slip from silly to wild and unnerving in a very smooth slide. Plus I just… had a lot of fun writing it. I couldn’t seem to put it down for a second and when I blinked I was over 10k words! It was supposed to be a one shot! How naive I was! So yeah, I’m proud of it, it was fun to write, and it’s fun to reread and think about the implications. Nat 20!