#I’ve been going in and out of iron deficiency my entire life and I’m on my period so maybe I can bleed out and end up in the hospital

[hazellevessque]

I hate everyone and everything nobody talk to me

[lizzyscribbles]

You know what I realized yesterday through an event that I desire to never deal with again in my entire life?? Toga’s parents really did suck.

Today’s Rambling Thought: Toga, and why her parents deserve hell.

Picture this, it’s the evening, I’m getting ready to get on a discord call with my friend because we’ve been watching MHA together and we usually chat between episodes (it’s their first time watching the show, we’re in season three). I go to use the bathroom and what do I find?? Remnants!!! Of a bird!! I’m not talking about a few feathers here, I’m talking bones, a pile of internal organs, and a half mutilated wing covered in blood and God knows what else. Completely dismembered. Of course, there are two potential culprits in this crime scene, both cats. (I should mention these aren’t my cats, I was watching them for a friend), but I’m pretty sure the one circling my feel and meowing proudly is the one. So, I get to clean up bird guts at like 8PM, trying my hardest not to gag.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DID TO THE POTENTIAL CRIMINAL??

Nothing. I patted his head and gave him a scratch.

All this delightful context to put into perspective this realization that came to me later that night, how is it that I - someone who actually had to clean up a mutilated bird - nicer to a cat that ISN’T MY OWN than Toga’s parents were TO THEIR OWN DAUGHTER. Now I’m no saint, and I realize a cat and a human are completely different, but come on, for real guys?

I don’t think we’re told how old Toga is in the scene where she’s offering her parents the bird (if you know please share) but we know she’s a little kid. Like I’ve said before, I’m studying psychology in college and I worked with kids in foster care, so if I know anything at all it’s this: Children are little sponges, and they automatically want to do whatever it is you tell them not to do. It’s a natural part of development, and actually something we don’t really lose as we get older (the specific term is rebel psychological reactance I think). So it’s really no surprise that after years and years of being told nothing but no when it came to these urges she had, she eventually just snapped. The kids I worked with were the same, the longer they were in the shelter I worked at the less they felt inclined to listen when we told them no, and I don’t think I need to explain why that’s dangerous.

Now, I’m not saying that consuming another’s blood as a child or gnawing on yourself in your sleep is normal behavior or something a parent shouldn’t be concerned about, but there’s a reason therapy focuses on replacing negative coping skills with positive ones. Did they ever go beyond just calling her weird and creepy? Did they take her to a doctor get a blood test and find out if maybe there’s a reason she was doing this beyond just being freaky? Does she have an iron deficiency?? I’m just rambling now and that’s pure speculation, but no, they just kinda insulted her over and over, told her not to, and sent her to quirk counseling which IS NOT a substitute for actual therapy I’m sure. The bottom line here is that you can’t take something away and not add anything in. You can’t tell someone not to do something and not supplement it with something else.

It’s little wonder that once she snapped, she went straight to “I just want to do whatever I want”, because she spent her whole life being told not to be something. I think it’s easy to forget that Toga is still legally a child at the start of the series, one who has not been taught how to safely deal with her urges. No wonder she felt more at home with the league of villains, they gave her what she never got. No wonder Ochaco’s actions in the final chapter shocked her so much. She was never accepted for who she was until then. She was never treated like she was a normal person.

The people who were supposed to love her most in the world saw her as a disease to be rid of, and I that disgusts me more than a dead bird ever will.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk, I’m gonna go ramble about how, as an author and a fan, I love her end even if it makes me so sad, and Ochaco’s part in it.

[brucespringsteen]

Hi, do you have any beginner tips for lifting/getting into the gym? I no longer want to be a scrawny waifish butch and instead wanna be able to pick up my gf and look like mid 80s Bruce… If you’re comfortable talking about it I’d love to hear if you have any tips… I’ve been researching and have learned that diet is a huge part in building muscle but as far as the gym goes I’m lost… I’m honestly mostly just nervous because I have no clue where to start and don’t want some dude to help me (nothing wrong honest help I’m just shy and get embarrassed)… Thank you!!!

hi king 🤝🏻

im so happy 2 talk about this cos im in my musclebound era again

disclaimer what i know is a mix of what i learned from my dad and reddit threads LOL and my own trial and error. weightlifting really is the gayass journey of all time 💪🏼😋

first gonna keep it real with u ive lost a lot of muscle mass from stupid life events n being sad lol but im actually getting back into a routine for the first time in over a year. so i haven't properly lifted anything heavier than the 15lbs dumbells i got at home 😂 when i was once able to press more than my weight ✊🏼😔 BUT form is so much more important than lifting heavy. u will get better results lifting at a weight that you can control and build up lifting heavier over time 👍🏼 which i can go more in depth about how to do that. good form is so sexy and makes u feel and look so badass

u might find more eloquent lifters out there who talk about the mind and muscle connection and visualization. it's really cool stuff that connects practicing mindfulness as u workout which is what makes weightlifting so meditative to me. this will also help u maintain good form and i think nourishes a healthy mindset toward working out/yourself in general

n you are definitely right about diet playing a huge part. don't worry about bulking/cutting when ur first starting out, most important thing is making sure you're getting enough protein. if u are iron deficient i would look into taking a supplement! dont know all the science but iron keeps ur oxygen flowing better, so your stamina can be down if ur iron count is low. my mindset about diet is the simpler the better and u should never be miserable lol. i will never give up beer & pizza & a good time 🫡

second most important thing is sleep. make sure u get enough.

1. back/shoulders and biceps

going to the gym can be a little scary, but that's where having a routine helps so much 🧑‍💻doing one of those dynamic workout routines u find on an instagram reel every now and then can be fun and i recommend it. BUT doing a random workout Everytime u workout will make it difficult to see results. doing the same workouts is how u can see ur progression better and focus on good form. im talking about learning the basics of benching, squatting, and deadlifting. 😜✌🏼

if u can, i would aim a routine of 3-4 times a week. I kept it like this:

2. leg day and abs

3. chest and triceps

what helped in staying consistent w going to the gym was having a set time where i would go. ritualistic

4th extra day: fun cardio like interval training or boxing. OR if i was feeling like i just needed a chill day a slow incline walk on treadmill/outside😊 then do some really intense stretching/foam rolling

here is an example of a chest/tris day

The 3 "T's" stand for tiers starting with the most difficult exercises, so I could use most of the energy I have on it.

To elaborate further on how to see progress: say this week you're able to bench press 60lbs. Next week you try 70lbs on your last rep and it's kinda hard. The third week, you bench 60lbs again, and it feels a little easier now. The fourth week, you're benching 70lbs on your last two sets. By the fifth week, you find you're able to do your entire workout with 70! Etc repeat etc

when i first started i kept one of those tiny composition books w different workouts and id also keep track of how much i was lifting when i reached a new pr/mile time/etc. u can also just keep this in ur notes app. but i found having the paper in front of me was more efficient than continuously looking at my phone and fighting the urge to check apps in between sets lol. also if i was getting texts id have No Idea which just helped me reinforce the gym was Me Time

before u buy into a gym membership tho, take advantage if they have a free trial. u can find what time is least busy/if the vibe fits for u.

another tip. put a photo 1985 bruce on ur wall trust me this will help.

I can go more indepth about specific workouts or if u got other questions, lmk!

U got this!

[oh-yes-i-did-not]

I’m just gonna come out and say that “your labs look okay!” doesn’t mean shit unless you know what labs the doctor ordered and more importantly why. What are they thinking and what do they want to check?

Yeah my labs looked fine because they included white cell count, hemoglobin, inflammation tests, and some vitamins, with some other standard tests.

What wasn’t fine was the red blood cell size, ferritin, and saturation. None of those were fine. But you didn’t order those tests because apparently you didn’t believe me when I said I was prone to iron anemia so ofc my labs looked fine.

And oh yeah, just a useful tip for the future, you can be iron deficient and anemic even if your hemoglobin is within the normal range. Mine is like barely, within a few points, and I was happy since I’ve mostly been under that for my entire life. I didn’t know that. I thought a doctor would. But I guess not. Had to pay for the additional labs myself =)

So yeah, I’m still suffering through the most miserable course of iron supplements that I’ve ever had the displeasure of going through, because I can’t take them daily. Fuck, I can barely take two a week, even the “mild and stomach friendly” ones so I’m going on full blown course of strong ones, since it’s all the same, and I’ve been pooping black two or three times a day for a months.

But like, I wouldn’t know I need to try this unless I had checked it myself. I don’t know yet if it has worked. With my supplements pace, I’m thinking of going to tests around late August, to see what, if anything, has improved. But at least my head isn’t spinning all the time anymore and I don’t get so painfully winded so I do know it is working on something.

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

destiel, 2.4k, mild hurt/comfort, happy ending. for @wormstacheangel who wanted a fic with anemic!Cas <3

"Cas?"

Dean hears a flump from the direction of the bedroom right as he finishes shaving his left cheek. It takes him about five seconds from there to dashing out of the bathroom, sink hastily turned off and half of his neck still covered in white, wearing an expression of worry that doesn't quite go with the foam beard.

Cas seems to hold the same opinion because his face splits in a wide grin the moment Dean enters the room.

A grin almost distracting enough for Dean to not notice that Cas is back on the bed, and suddenly wearing a blanket.

Almost.

"Goddammit, Cas." He sighs, huffing as panic slips away to make room for exasperation. He walks up to the bed, sets about righting the blanket around Cas.

Cas lets him.

"I should've known -"

"- Dean, I forgot -"

"- you were going to ditch your meds the first night after I stop bugging you 'bout them." Dean mutters, ignoring Cas completely as he makes weak attempts at protesting when Dean tucks one corner of his blanket all the way round at the other side, effectively turning him into what he mentally likes to call a Cas-burrito.

He doesn't like to call it anything at the moment though, cause right now, it's just proof of how Cas doesn’t listen.

Friggin' ex-angel of the lord, billions of years old, with libraries worth of stories and history in his head — but taking his meds when they're supposed to be taken, he forgets.

"It wasn't on purpose." Cas insists in a small voice, and Dean shoots an annoyed look at him before stepping back, finally finished with the blanket routine.

If you could call it that.

Well, Dean does call it that.

Because it happened often enough times after Cas's return from the Empty, human as the day Dean was born, to prompt both a title, and a reason to investigate why in the first place.

And not a lot of road to cover from typing in Cas's symptoms in a search engine — headaches, spells of dizziness, fatigue and feeling cold in general (things Cas had dictated to Sam who was typing, while Dean seethed from the next chair at not having been priorly informed of most of those things that warrant being informed about) — to ending up at the conclusion of a few billion (but actually just the first four) results, just minutes after.

Cas had anemia.

(The doctor Dean took him to the very next day, and Sam's completed research on the Novaks' medical history by the time they got back, confirmed it.)

Now, as far as the Winchesters were concerned, that was practically a relief — especially since their next place to look would've been old, tired books of curses, and the meekest of those would've been several times more worrying than the awfullest case of anemia one could possibly get - and Cas's, thankfully, wasn't even that bad.

However, curses are reversible. Or at least, equally as destroyable as their curse-rs are — who, usually, tend to be pretty destroyable when it comes to Sam and Dean.

Mineral deficiencies, on the other hand, are neither.

So supplements it is, as the doctor said and then prescribed — or so it should have been anyways, except for how the love of Dean's life was a giant baby when it came to taking pills.

"Sure it wasn't." Dean rolls his eyes, continuing in his exaggerated 'Cas' voice. "You just forgot."

Cas squint-frowns at Dean with all the ferociousness of a tired, cold and anemic four-weeks-old human, and Dean perches next to him on the edge of their bed with a sigh, the exasperation wearing off too.

(If he hadn't already wrapped them up, this would've been about the time Dean would've taken Cas's hands in his own.)

"Cas," He says, softer now.

Truth be told, Dean can't imagine what it must be like to go from being a - a being, that can heal itself and everything else, to a human who gets shivery and lightheaded cause of things inside of him he can't even control.

It's got to be terrifying, and obviously awful, and Dean's proud of Cas for the way he's been handling all of it — but dammit he's supposed to do the things that make it easier.

Just like he's supposed to let Dean take care of him.

"Dean," Cas replies, looking sideways at him with most of the stubbornness melted from his expression as well. "I'm a little cold but it's okay. I'm fine." He says, like he can still tell exactly what Dean needs to hear.

What he needs Cas to be.

There's a pause and Dean looks down at his hands. He can't help his next question, it's been on his mind for some time.

"What about the first time you were human?"

Cas noticeably withdraws into himself on hearing him, and Dean feels immediately a pang of guilt. It may have gotten easier to read him since he became human, but an accidental display of emotion was still a novelty. (Being difficult to read was apparently more of a Cas trait than an angel feature.)

"What about it?"

"Shouldn't you, uh," Dean pauses. "Shouldn't you also have been anemic then?"

Cas turns away from him, slow enough that Dean knows he's not taken offense, deliberate enough that he's thinking.

He finally answers, facing the wall ten feet away instead of Dean.

"I guess I was."

"But," Dean frowns. "I thought you had no idea you had anemia until last week."

"Dean, I didn't even know there was anything wrong with me until last week." Cas returns, his tone steady. "And back when I was human for the first time, I didn't either, because I'd never known what healthy felt like before, so I had no idea if I was or wasn't it. Of course I knew in an objective sense, say, the ideal temperature of the human body, but the ordinary amount of chilly one should feel on the streets in winter, or how hard or easy falling asleep is supposed to be, I couldn't have told you."

"Oh."

"And I still wouldn't have been able to," Cas turns back to him. "Had you not been the one to point it out."

Dean scoffs.

All he'd done was ask why Cas had been shivering in the middle of the day. That was it. Honestly, how could he not have seen it sooner?

"So you just," Dean lets out, afraid of the answer. "You just thought the cold spells and the, uh," he falters. "The being tired all the time — you thought that was part of being human?"

Cas smiles wryly. "It is for a lot of people."

"But —"

"And it was, Dean, anemia or not, for a lot of the people I lived with back then."

Dean's stomach bottoms out. He knows Cas is right. Six years ago, he'd been living on the streets, living in a bus. Dean remembers him — homeless, cold, sleeping on the floor of a Gas 'N Sip in his only set of clothes, Cas. And he knows he's responsible for it — knows he deserves to be hated for it, and it messes with him everyday that Cas doesn't — but did Cas really not even know what Dean had done to him? What Dean had — and Jesus, he detests himself — made him go through?

"You really thought all of us were going through that," Dean blinks. "And none of us was saying a thing?"

Cas doesn't look away this time and Dean goes on.

"I mean, I know you put humanity on a pedestal it doesn't deserve, and you think we're all capable of things you're capable of, but Cas, I can't believe you associated being human with being cold and tired, and —" Dean scrubs his face with a hand. "Goddammit, Cas! How could I have let you go out there on your own when you — h-how did I not see it, and — and you should never have had to deal with it all alone, I should've —"

"Dean."

It's not until Cas interrupts him that he realizes he's been rambling. Ranting, really, because it's not fair that Cas only got to see the worst of humanity, and it's not fair that Cas was so used to feeling awful that he just figured everyone felt that way all the time. That Cas was all alone at a time Dean should've been there for him, should've been at his side, been there to make sure he was warm, and make sure he ate spinach and seafood and whatever the hell else is rich in iron — hell, Dean should've looked it up sooner — and Dean should've been able to tell that Cas was sick, even if Cas couldn't, because that's his job.

He hasn't felt this way in a while — this particularly familiar fear of failing Cas, and losing Cas, entwined horribly, returning to him; seeping back in through his skin, and settling on his bones like the vast sediments of guilt and loss he's been carrying for most of his life.

Cas is supposed to be okay, and Dean's supposed to make sure he is.

But so far as upto here, turns out Dean's just been failing in more ways than he'd even known.

"Dean," Cas repeats, pulling him out of his reverie with determination in his voice, and a hand on Dean's left arm, his blanket now hanging off of one shoulder.

Dean immediately reaches to make it right but Cas holds him right where he is. Physically and not-drowning-in-his-own-head wise, and he's the only one who can do that.

"You're not listening to me."

Shit, Cas had been speaking this entire time, hadn't he? "Sorry, I was -" Dean looks Cas in the face to apologize, and lets out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, cause thank god, Cas isn't that pale. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Cas smiles, and it's not lopsided anymore, it's just Cas.

(Dean wonders if he should try to mirror it.)

"I was just saying that now I know that that's not the only part of being human."

"What do you mean?"

"The pain and the suffering, Dean. That's not all." Cas says. "There's also love, and kindness, and worry of the non-lifethreatening kind that dissipates with a smile, and warmth."

Dean stares at him.

"And sure," Cas shrugs. "I knew those things before too — I've read books, I've watched you and Sam — but now I've felt them as humans do, for the very first time, so it's a different kind of knowing."

Cas takes Dean's hand in his, and Dean's the one who squeezes.

"I believe the human expression is 'knowing it in my bones'."

Dean lets out a strained laugh in spite of himself. "Dunno, man. I don't think that's exactly what that means."

"But I do know it in my bones." Cas says simply, and Dean's heart does that thing where it feels too big for his chest. How Cas could go through so much, and still be so full of kindness and good, is one of the mysteries of life Dean's never going to solve — but it doesn't stop him from falling a little bit harder every time it happens.

"You should've gotten to know it the last time too, Cas." Dean tells him, sighing again. "I'm just — I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"Well, you are now." Cas tilts his head. "And I prefer the things I'm learning this time over the last time anyway, and I believe it's you who's always taught me that the present is what matters the most. I'm just glad you're here this time."

"And I'm not going anywhere." Dean squeezes their hands tighter, and Cas's smile grows. God, he deserves the world and he keeps settling for Dean, doesn't he — and Dean hates it, and loves it, and couldn't live without it. He puts his other hand on Cas's face, gloving his cheek. Cas leans closer.

"I love you."

Dean's throat constricts. "You're too good to me."

"I think that's the point."

Dean can't help but smile, and he really can't help the tears.

"I'm okay." Cas says, once more. "Are you?"

There's only one answer, and nothing to fight this time.

Dean closes the gap.

"I love you too."

It's not their first kiss, nor is it the first time they've ever said it — but it feels more significant than anything's felt before. It's more them, too — not sickly-sweet or angry and fighting, just them, coming around to the end of a hard talk, falling into each other's arms with an ease they reserve for each other only, and sinking into each other, slow and perfectly synced, like they're made for it.

When they pull back, a moment later, Dean leans his forehead against Cas's and licks his lips. Breathes.

"There's so much more to being human," he hears himself saying. "Than you'd ever find out just living here in the bunker with us."

"Dean," it's Cas's turn to sigh. "I've already found everything I need."

Dean's cheeks heat up. "I thought it was never too late to learn."

"It isn't." Cas leans back, hands falling back to his sides from where they were wrapped around Dean's neck. "But sometimes, practising old things is more important."

Dean immediately dissolves into laughter. "Yeah, no, great going. Call me old before you go to town practising on me."

Cas ignores him save a twinkle in his eyes. "And some things, I'd like us to learn together."

Dean grins.

"And some things," Cas concludes, with a wide smile. "Aren't taught anywhere else in the world."

"Yeah?"

Cas shrugs.

"Why so?"

"Well, rumor has it the teacher's afraid of flying."

Dean freezes for a moment, silent, and then snorts — because yeah, that's funny, Ha Ha, but okay, if Cas is fit enough to make jokes, then he's fit enough to take his meds now, and Dean tells him that gleefully, resulting in Cas's grin immediately turning upside down as he tries to scoot away from Dean, except Dean's kinda expecting it so he's prepared to launch himself on the bed if he has to — and he does have to, cause Dean might love him for his heart, and his courage, and his kindness, but remember how Cas is just a baby in a trenchcoat?

Yeah.

(And that is just a regular morning in the Winchester household.)

[deepspacedukat]

Dude 😂 so I’m at the store today and I’m walking to the end of the isle to get to the canned food and as I pass this black family and I hear the mother loudly whisper to her son “Now that girl obviously stayed indoors all summer. She’s reflective Ooo.” So I just keep walking and mentally laugh it off but when I get home I ask my mom if i look paler today because sometimes I do get a sickly pale complexion in addition to being white because i have an autoimmune disease that often causes me to have iron deficiency and anemia. My mom laughed at what I told her about my store trip and told me not to worry about it but go ahead and take a supplement in addition to my iron pill. So that has been my day. How are you doing friend? 😂

Oh Lord, well, we both are reflective, I guess lol. I'm basically transparent, so don't worry about it, friend! You're a lovely person and as long as you are comfortable with yourself, that's all that counts! Strangers all have opinions about things - that’s why we’re on tumblr instead of twitter. 😂 (Well, that and the Star Trek brainrot.) Don’t pay them any attention.

Today I’ve been super introspective about life and stuff, and then @horta-in-charge went through my entire fic masterlist and reblogged everything which made my entire day worth it (and made me cry happy tears because that’s so fucking sweet). If anyone who reads this isn’t following her, please go follow her, because you’re missing out!!

So yeah, pretty good day! I feel myself stuck in a tug of war between the Jeffrey Combs brainrot and the Vulcan brainrot. I’ve got like 5 WIPs that are all Vulcan centered, and like 5 that are based on characters Jeff has played, so it’s anybody’s guess wtf will be coming out next ficwise lol. Sorry, rambling now lol. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well, friend!!! 💙

[three--rings]

So in more news about me, like, I haven’t been feeling myself since I came home and I’ve been going wow is this depression or is this being really out of shape and overweight or is it just normal pain stuff or...

And yesterday I had a regular doctor appointment and they did bloodwork and I got a panicked phone call from a doctor this morning after they saw my results.  I am extremely anemic.  I had to talk him down from sending me to the ER for a transfusion.  Mostly by explaining I’m ALWAYS anemic, literally my entire life.  But yeah it’s pretty bad.  Which explains why every time I leave the house I then pass out for several hours.

And probably also why I so deeply do not feel like being creative.  I’m literally not getting enough oxygen. 

Nothing like being forceably reminded occasionally that actually You Are a Body that Has Requirements.

(Now I have to try to keep my doctors from freaking out about it and doing a million tests to see if I’m bleeding.  I’m really not, this isn’t sudden, it’s genetic and my mom has had it her whole life too, etc.  I’m not even convinced it’s about iron deficiency since no amount of iron pills has ever gotten me to an actual normal amount of blood cells.  But yeah I’m taking them again...)

[bi-dazai]

okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

[anotheronechicagobog]

Connor Rhodes x Reader Motherfucking Done

requested prompt:  Hey!😊 Could you write an imagine with Connor Rhodes, like the reader is a doctor, and he is jealous of her friendship with Will? Cute ending maybe. Thank you so much

written by: @anotheronechicagobog​

warnings: swearing, pregnancy complications, this is shit, I’ll probably redo it later, but I’m so tired and stressed, oh and Cornelius Rhodes murdered his wife and no one can tell me otherwise

You and Connor returned to the U.S. as fast as you could. Connor more anxious than you, but then again, he had reason to. Two weeks ago you and your husband were at a party thrown by one of his patients at his penthouse. His massive, over the top, Fast and Furious 7 penthouse. It was three stories with a balcony with a pool. You and Connor always felt out of place at these parties, not even Connor had grown up around such extravagant wealth. But you made do, it was part of doctor-patient culture apparently, so you went. You hadn’t been feeling all that well, nauseous and with a skull-splitting headache. Connor had gotten another email from his sister, so you didn’t want to stress him out more than he already was. You and Connor had mostly stuck to the shade of the indoors, but eventually, you both had to go outside. Connor went to socialize with the host while you went to the third floor to the balcony that hung over the pool. There was a bar there, but you weren’t interested in alcohol. You didn’t think you could stomach it, but you hadn’t been able to stomach anything lately. You’d just sat at a table with a large umbrella and ordered a water.

You’d started feeling dizzy, the heat was suddenly beyond unbearable. You started panting and you knew that stressed out or not, you needed to tell Connor what was going on and leave. Something was very, very wrong. You turned in your seat, waving trying to get his attention. You leaned against the railing while still sitting down and he didn’t notice again. So and flimsy, shaking legs you stood up, clutching the railing. Sweat was pouring down your face and neck, it became so much more difficult to breathe, you were about to try yelling his name over the blaring music when, in a matter of seconds, you felt like you were going to faint, your entire body went limp, and you fell unconscious.

When you woke up you were, not only in a hospital, but the one you worked at. Connor, who was clutching your hand and praying in Hebrew noticed you stirring. “Y/N, sweetheart? Oh thank heavens, how are you feeling?”

“Groggy. What happened?”

“You fell off of the balcony at the top on the penthouse, three stories into the pool. Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well?”

“It wasn’t bad when we left for the party, for most of the time we were there even. It was just at the end, I tried to wave at you, but looking back on it I probably should have just gotten one of the waiters to get you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Please don’t be. The, uh, the doctors found out what was wrong though.”

“Really? What? Oh please tell me it’s not cancer, you know I’ve got a family history of that.”

“No, you don’t have cancer. You, uh... You’re pregnant.”

“I’m pregnant? Like with a baby?”

“Yeah, heat just doesn’t agree with some women and pregnancy though, so we need to move.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Yeah, you are... We’re going to be parents.”

“We’re going to be parents.” The dam finally broke and happy tears flooded your face. Connor joined you seconds after, but his tears were a combination of joy and relief, after all, he did watch you fall three stories into a pool.

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You and Will had gone to med school in New York together. You’d been fair acquaintances, but he was a bit too cocky and you were a bit too serious. You both decided to have two specialties, the one you shared was emergency department medicine. You became Facebook friends, but that was about it. Truthfully, you didn’t think you’d see him in person again unless there was a reunion. So you were a bit surprised when you ran into him on your way to your OB appointment. “Y/N? It’s been a while, how are you?”

“I’m doing great. Really, really great, actually. I didn’t know that you came back to Chicago, though. When we were in school you always said you’d never come back.”

“Things changed. Congrats, by the way,” Will gestured to your obviously pregnant belly, “how far along are you? How are the symptoms?”

“Five months. Uh, the symptoms have been really bad. And I’m just on my way to an appointment though so I should get going. But maybe we could get dinner sometime, I’d love for my husband to meet you so that he’ll finally believe all the crazy med school stories I have thanks to you. He works here too, actually.” You weren’t kidding, pregnancy had taken a huge toll on you. You had wretched morning sickness, high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, and a pregnancy-related iron deficiency. It was a quick walk from the entrance to the elevator to the OB ward, so you thought you’d be fine, but you were starting to feel weak and Will noticed. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I need to sit down.” Will whipped around and grabbed a wheelchair for you, helping you to get in. “What’s wrong do I need to call your doctor or husband?”

“Honestly, I already feel better, but would you mind taking me to OB or getting someone else who can? This has just been a difficult pregnancy overall, so feeling faint really isn’t unusual for me.”

“Yeah, I’ll take you, don’t worry.”

“Thanks, I’m just gonna text Connor and let him know, he was going to try to meet me there if he can get away from work for a minute.”

“You don’t happen to mean Connor Rhodes, do you?”

“I do, why?”

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You found out why when Connor burst through the doors just after you and Will had entered. He kissed you on your forehead and gave you a once over. “Y/N, are you okay?”

“Connor, I’m okay. I just started feeling weak so Will got me a wheelchair. I think that I was just on my feet too long, well too long while pregnant. I really hate that I can’t do what I used to be able to...”

“I know, but you should have just gotten help at the door, here let’s go talk to Dr. Hajjar. Thanks, Halstead, I’ve got it from here.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Excuse me?”

“Will!”

“You heard me, Rhodes, why didn’t you meet her at the car or entrance? You can’t really think you’re too important to help your pregnant wife.”

“Will that’s not-”

“That’s enough Halstead, you should get back to the ED, where your obnoxious presence is actually required.”

“Okay, that’s more than enough jabs from both of you. Will, thank you for helping me get here after I tried to get here myself when I probably shouldn’t have, Connor, I’m sorry for being so stubborn and I’m glad you had time today to come to another of my appointments which are happening more and more frequently.”

Will and Connor begrudgingly nodded at each other. “Thanks for getting her here safe Halstead.”

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You decided to hold off on dinner together after seeing how little they got along. Having only realized at that first meeting that the ‘doctor douche’ your husband ranted about so much was your friend from med school. So instead you did what you could to keep the peace whenever you were in the hospital, which was frequent, but their pissing contest was grating on your nerves. It all came to a head the day you went into labour two weeks early. Connor was finishing up a surgery with Dr. Downey so Will was the one in the ED when you were rolled in. “Get Connor, Will.”

“Are you sure Y/N?”

“YES I’M SURE!”

Connor came running into treatment four minutes later and gently kissed you all over your face. “I’m here, Y/N. I love you so much.” Will, who had been holding your hand while you waited for Connor, scoffed.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WILLIAM?! I AM SO OVER THIS SHITTING CONTEST YOU HAVE WITH CONNOR. YOU ARE BOTH GROWN-ASS MEN GET OVER YOURSELVES. YOU ARE BOTH GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER AND HUG RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM MOTHERFUCKING DONE!”

“Y/N-”

“WILLIAM SEAMUS HALSTEAD I KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN TO INCUR THE WRATH OF A PREGNANT WOMAN!”

“I’m sorry, Will.”

“I’m sorry, Connor.”

“Y/N Y/L/N you are officially my favourite person in the world, I was just about to ring their necks!”

“No problem Maggie.” You gave a weak smile as another contraction hit and Dr. Hajjar looked under the blanket before nodding. “Alright, Y/N, it’s time to push. If you’re not her husband or part of the delivery team; get out.”

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Five days later you were still in the hospital, because of all the complications you’d had during pregnancy. Dr. Hajjar wanted to make sure your blood pressure wasn’t a high average before she discharged you. So when Natalie went into labour, you could hear her screams from down the hall. You’d also been where Will briefly went to hide with his tail in between his legs after Helen, Natalie’s mother in law, dressed him down. When you heard her screaming for Will, where he was, you gave Connor one look before he sighed and called Will.

Connor briefly appeared at his father’s ‘I-want-control-as-much-of-my-son’s-life-as-possible-so-I-donated-money-in-my-wife’s-name-for-mental-health-when-it’s-mostl-likely-that-I-murdered-her’ ceremony. He only went for the speech, and when it was over he approached his sister. “Connor, it’s nice to finally see you. You’ve been back in Chicago how long?”

“Almost four months. I, uh, want you to meet my wife and daughter.”

“You- what? Who? How?”

“Well I personally have absolutely no idea how I got lucky enough to have a baby with my wife Y/N, much less have her love me as much as I love her, but I’ve decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“How old is your daughter?”

“Five days today.”

“Oh my God... When can I-”

“Now. You can meet them now.”

“I’ll get dad-”

“Claire don’t. Please. He’s the reason I left Chicago, you’re the reason I came back. I just don’t want the happiness I feel to end just yet.”

“Okay.” She hooked her arm around his as he led her out to the hall. “Did you really come back for me?”

“Well Y/N couldn’t stand the heat while pregnant, but you’re the reason we came back here and not to Seattle.”

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You were cradling your bundle of joy and poop, Aviva Nadya Rhodes, in the lounge chair when Connor and Claire came in. “Hi, you must be Claire, I’m Y/N.”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you too. Is it okay if I hold- Aviva?”

“Sure, here just sit down on the loveseat and I’ll pass her to you.”

“Oh, she’s so tiny. And she looks just like you Y/N. Doesn’t look like she got anything from Connor. You sure are a lucky girl, huh?” Claire had Aviva’s head in the crook of her elbow and was giving the infant an unbridled, beaming smile.

”Hey! Stop trying to turn my daughter against me.”

“Connor don’t worry, you’re going to be an amazing dad and she is going to love you so, so much. I can feel it.”

“Y/N’s right, Connor. You’re going to do great, plus I’m only joking, I promise. Aren’t I, my sweet, sweet girl?”

“She loves my daughter more than she loves me.”

“I’d normally say no and try to reassure you, but she does,”

“And that’s not a bad thing.”

“Yeah, exactly. I love you, Connor.”

“I love you too Y/N.”

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Sorry this was so bad, I’ll probably re-do this at some point cause I really like the whole faint-cause-pregnant-move-to-Chicago storyline I came up with. 

Again, sorry.

[bartramcat]

CSI/GSR: A Long Strange Analysis From San Francisco to Grave Danger

(This is way too long and all over the map. Nor do I think it’s necessarily coherent, but it’s kind of my stream of consciousness overview of the first 5 seasons of GSR, mainly first impressions, slightly refined. Well, as Alex Trebek always said: go with your first instinct.)

So when I decided to rewatch Sex, Lies and Larvae recently, I found myself having a rather surprising reaction to the GSR dynamic therein. Sara came across to me as incredibly young in that episode, so much so that I decided that was one reason, of many, why I was glad they didn't get them together from the get-go. Well, actually, for most of the first 2 seasons, she seems too young to be an equal partner in a relationship with Grissom. That doesn't mean I think they weren't in love at that point, only that perhaps she had some growing up to do first. Actually, they both did.

Grissom and Sara are an interesting case in that they both suffer from a similar affliction common in the exceptionally bright: their intellects are so far ahead of their peers that they rarely have any way to relate to them. Certainly not emotionally. The first thing to be sacrificed on the altar of intellectuality is emotional development and well-being. Toss in the horrific childhood Sara had and the silent one for Grissom, and you have a cocktail for arrested development. As long as they are operating on an intellectual plane, they are in their element. Put them in an interpersonal one, and they flounder like fish out of water. 

By the time Grissom meets Sara, it is fairly clear he has found one way to relate to others: as teacher and/or mentor. It is in fact his most common relationship with all of those in his circle. It is also his initial dynamic with Sara, elements of which remain for the duration of their love story. It is for him a perfect construct: he can take personal pride and pleasure in their development as CSIs, but, at the same time, maintain that professorial distance, dissuading them from even attempting to fathom the man behind the intellectual mask. He is an enigma, an eccentric, whose mind works in mysterious ways. They admire him, respect him, possibly even love him, but they do not know him.

(I've always thought a good deal of their shock at learning he was in love with Sara stemmed not only from the fact that he was in love with Sara but from the fact that he was in love. With anyone.)

In Pledging Mr. Johnson, Catherine gives us insight into how Grissom lives his life and how they view him:

CATHERINE: You're right, you know. I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo, watching Discovery on the big screen, working genius-level crossword puzzles. But no relationships, no chance any will slop over into a case. Yeah, right. I want to be just like you.

GRISSOM: Technically it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, not genius. But you're right, I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff.

CATHERINE: Grissom... WHAT personal stuff?

But Sara sees beneath the mask. It’s as if she knows intuitively there’s more to him than meets the eye. In San Francisco, did he show her a side to himself that no one else ever saw? Outside of Vegas, was he able to be a little more open with this inquisitive and very bright young woman? Was he instinctively more comfortable and trusting with her? Did they have a quasi-romantic relationship? We know they fell in love, but as to how far they took things, we'll never know. 

Grissom had several qualms regarding a romantic relationship with Sara, not the least of which is the age difference. He genuinely believed that if he gave himself over to her completely that she would throw him over someday. That she would come to see him as old and unworthy and “deficient,” and he would be lost. I'm not entirely sure his fear of ultimate rejection began when she came to Vegas, even if they had previously consummated their relationship in SF. Of course, once she did come to Vegas, they both had a problem. She obviously thought their relationship was going to go forward, whereas he became aware that it couldn't without putting his job in jeopardy. Whether he brought her to Vegas thinking they could be/become lovers is again purely speculative. With Grissom however there is always the dichotomy between what he thinks and what he feels, especially where Sara is concerned. What we do know is that once he had her there he didn't want her to leave.

We know from his own words that she was the only woman he ever loved and that he found sex without love pointless. So, of course, the one person who becomes the one and only object of both his love and his desire is Forbidden Fruit. On all sorts of levels, objective and subjective.

While there is always an element of mentor/mentee in GSR, even including their very last "date" together, playing with the colored bees, I think the fundamental difference between the way he relates to Sara and everyone else is that he is more sharing his world with her than simply teaching her about it. That we learn that he gave her an entomology textbook for Christmas says...so much. Yet in episodes like SLAL, she comes across as a little too much the eager student, the subordinate, and not the perfect life partner for him she grew into. Perhaps he saw it too, reinforcing his fear that he had no business loving this young woman who would one day only see him as a pathetic old man. (Or worse: what she felt for him was no more than a temporary crush of a student on her teacher.)

One of the things the great love stories tend to have in common is that the 2 lovers usually have to go through life experiences, or "tests," in order to "earn" the other person. Since I see GSR as a Salvation rather than a Redemption love story, it's not a matter of them somehow becoming more moral people in order to be together. Rather, I think it's more a matter of their both growing and growing up. 

There are several instances of gender reversal in their relationship, and I'm referring to traditional sexual behavior in fiction. Usually, it is the female in the relationship who turns the male down sexually. Seeing the relationship going nowhere, he is the one who is more likely to get involved in a casual relationship to meet his sexual needs. In GSR, it is Sara who goes outside the relationship. She gets involved with Hank, the guy who is like watching paint dry. We know Sara has serious self-esteem issues; being rejected by Grissom after she was so sure he wanted her as much as she wanted him didn't help. So, at his suggestion, she gets a life, unaware that fucking another guy was not exactly what he meant. It damn near kills him; he can't even look at her. At the same time, his life is on a downward spiral: he is going deaf. He thinks he has nothing to offer her, but he uses the job to try to come between them. To keep her away from Hank, unaware that all he ever had to do was say the word, and she would have dropped Hank faster than yesterday's crossword.

Of course, in Grissom's mind, he was no competition for Hank, when, in reality, Hank was never real competition for him, if he had been able to come to terms with his feelings for Sara and act on them. I do think the Hank episode was important for both of them. For the first time Grissom had to confront the possibility he really could lose her forever by keeping their relationship purely on his terms, and Sara learned that no matter how much she tried to get a life that Grissom would always be number one in her heart.

The end of season 3 is the beginning of the first dark period for Sara. She learns that her attempt to get a life outside of her love for Grissom is an abysmal failure. While dating Hank never comes close to changing her love for Grissom, at least it was a way to keep her from moping around her apartment waiting for the man who was never going to show up. Then she discovers she's the other woman, Hank's side girl. Not that I think she was ever broken-hearted over ending it with him in any life-changing way, but she was humiliated. It sort of reinforced her idea that she was never good enough, even for a non-entity like Hank. So how could she ever be good enough for the man who was her ideal, her one and only, whom she had loved instantly and always? And, again, he turns her down.

Season 4 is what lays the groundwork for both of them to grow up. The first half of the season is the fallout from her offering and his rejecting her. The second half is her discovering he did, in fact, have feelings for her, had considered her as a potential second chance, only to place his job above any chance of happiness with her. That she was not worth taking a risk. It really is fairly amazing she didn't just say I'm outta here and go back to SF at that point.

While the two of them continue to dance around the central issue between them, in season 4 it seems that Sara is taking Grissom's own approach to things: she wants to advance in her profession. I've always been of the opinion that the reason Grissom chose Nick over Sara for the promotion was that he thought choosing Sara would be an act of favoritism on his part. He knew deep down inside he was in love with her, but he had to prove to himself that he could be objective where she was concerned. (His reasons for choosing Nick smack of rationalization.) Sara reads it as his way of continuing to punish her, as well as making it seem that she isn't good enough on any level, personal or professional, for Grissom. By the end of Season 4, she hits rock bottom. She came to Vegas for a man she can't have and for a job she can't advance in, ironically, because of that same man.

While Nesting Dolls is the episode that most directly makes the GSR love affair possible, I actually think the last scene of Bloodlines is what makes that episode possible. I have always felt that when he saw her sitting there humiliated that he realized 2 things: one was that no matter how much he denied it, he loved her, and the other was that by pushing her away that he was hurting both of them. 

In order for Grissom to grow up, that is what he had to learn: that a love relationship has to work for both parties. While he could derive a certain amount of contentment simply by being in her orbit, his self-denial of a more complete (both physical and emotional) relationship was also a refusal to give Sara what she needed. The entire 4th season is quite convoluted in terms of Grissom's psyche where Sara is concerned. On the one hand, we are finally given verbal entree into the fact that he is indeed in love with Sara in Butterflied. At the same time, he truly believes he has blown his chance with her, and he distances himself from her. Yet somewhere between the end of Season 4 and the beginning of Season 5 he seems to have come to a decision that she is worth the risk.

And even though we are not given privy to his epiphany in any concrete "aha" moment, his behavior towards Sara changes. It is almost as if he has finally realized that love is always a risk, and that to truly love someone is not some idealized romantic concept but a give and take between two people. While he may still believe that he is "too late" for them to have a "beautiful life" together, that doesn't mean he can't be there for her. To become emotionally available. To show her that he cares about her. To love her without reservation, and let the chips fall where they may.

There are several moments in season 5 pre ND when it seems to me that Grissom is actively wooing Sara--in his fashion. Let's face it, he really is 50 going on 15 when it comes to romance. I more than suspect that he was not the pursuer in his few sexual relationships. (Another reason the whole Teri Miller thing doesn't quite fit.) Even if you are in the camp of their having had a fully consummated relationship in SF, A La Cart tells us that, initially, it was Sara who pursued him. The difference, apparently, is that he didn't offer up much resistance. What we don't know is how far it went. Was it immediate impetuous sex and figure out the rest later, or a long slow romantic dance stopping just short of intercourse? Or some combination of both? What we do know is that the attraction was intellectual, emotional and physical. It was love at first sight.

As for Sara, she is somewhat the phoenix from the ashes in this part of the story. It's clear she came to Vegas under the assumption things would move forward with them. She has two responses when they don't, the first was to become an obsessive workaholic. Then, in an effort to get a life, she begins seeing another guy. Other than giving her a modicum of companionship and recreational sex, making her feel wanted on a superficial level, I highly doubt she got much out of dating Hank. She is absolutely obviously still in love with Grissom for the duration of that relationship. Once her distraction from her one true love ends, she decides to give it another shot with Grissom, but her timing couldn't be worse. While there is some indication she realized something was wrong with his hearing, it's clear that she is unaware of the seriousness of the situation. The irony of the scene in Play With Fire is that the 2 threats Grissom perceived to his career are intermingled within seconds: his potential loss of hearing and the girl he loves. 

I've mentioned before that watching Sara spiral downward in season 4 is hard to watch. It must have seemed to her that she was thwarted at every turn...by Gil Grissom. The very bright are at an emotional disadvantage when it comes to interpersonal relationships. So much comes so easily to them that when relationships can't be intellectually analyzed into working out they feel as if they are utter failures. Clearly, Sara is fighting feelings of worthlessness throughout the season. Okay, the guy rejected me. I'll put my head down and concentrate on my work. Omigod the guy does have feelings for me, but they weren't strong enough for him to take a chance with me. Omigod, now I'm not even good enough for a promotion, despite my exemplary record and workaholic work ethic. It's more nuanced than that, especially in Jorja's portrayal.

Hitting rock bottom with the DUI was a wake up call for Sara. Ironically, it seems that while seeing Sara broken and humiliated was a strong impetus for Grissom to revisit his interactions with her, it also seems that it caused Sara to reevaluate her relationship with Grissom vis-a-vis what she was hoping to get out of her job. On some level, her entire time in Vegas has been an attempt to use her working for him as a way to woo him: Seeking "validation in inappropriate places." It is her most mature recognition. She is no longer angling to be his “star pupil” in an effort to win his love. Yes, she came to Vegas for Grissom. Yes, she's still in love with him, but she can't make him love her on her terms; still, she can't let all of that infuse their working relationship. It is almost as if she has accepted the same terms for their relationship as the one he has been living: to be completely in love with someone, knowing it will never be more than it is, and enjoying what there is instead of longing for what can’t be.

Ironically, it is perhaps in the very moment that she tells him that she recognizes that which ultimately gets her her man. I think she stuns him twice in Snakes, first by more or less telling him she was still in love with him, and then by walking away before he can respond to her. In many ways, it's an incredibly frustrating scene. Once again she puts herself out there, and, again, he blows it. He can't say what he wants to say, and, once more, it seems as if they are destined to dance around their love for one another. But there is a difference. This time he doesn't reject her. While he clearly cannot find the words, the scene reopens up all sorts of possibilities.

While I am not in the camp of their having had sex in the time gap in ND, I do believe a lot happened, quietly. I do think he stayed with her, possibly even took her to bed, chastely, holding her until she fell asleep. In other words, whatever happened between them in that interim was incredibly intimate from an emotional standpoint. She bared her soul to him, and he stayed. It's always been my gut feeling that her making herself so vulnerable to him is what enabled him, finally, to make himself vulnerable to her.

The thing these two characters have in common is that they really don't want people to know them. They both have secrets, and they develop parallel but different modes of self-protection, although both use intellectually as a prop in their methodology. Grissom tells Cassie James in The Hunger Artist that "Looking for things, analyzing them... trying to figure out the world--that's a life." He shields himself with the "shell around his heart." When, suddenly, he has this cornucopia of feelings, which include sexual desire, for this young woman, he doesn't know how to deal with it. She makes him vulnerable because she makes him feel. His only self-protection is self-denial: he cannot let himself love this girl because he could lose himself in the love of her. As long as he keeps her at arm's length, she cannot reject him: if he never has her, he can never lose her. 

When Grissom tells Heather he learned to love someone, I think he was speaking specifically to the moment he decided that loving Sara was not just about recognizing that he loved her but the realization that love was about taking risks, not in terms of his job but in terms of making himself vulnerable to her. Showing her he cared about her, wanting to be with her in an all-encompassing romantic relationship. By choosing to get involved with her, even if he never said it directly, he was telling her she was worth the risk, not only to his career but to everything he had carefully crafted in his psyche to keep himself safe from emotion, from the potential heartbreak of love.

My read on when and how they got together is pretty eccentric in the head canon world. For one, I think it happened much more quickly after ND than most folks, at least the sexual part of it, nor do I think it just happened. I think Grissom decided it was "now or never." That  he found himself at her door on some Sunday morning or afternoon to see what would happen, because, finally, he was ready to throw caution to the wind, to take a chance. To allow himself to love.

I confess that the first time I saw ND I was convinced they made love in the time gap, especially given the double entendre in Grissom's defiant speech to Ecklie. Not to mention his flushed appearance. The problem is that I think Grissom would have seen it as taking advantage of her vulnerability. On the other hand, it makes no sense to me that after she returned from her suspension that he would wait until after the terror of either Committed or Grave Danger. I think the cumulative effect of Snakes and ND was more than enough to make him seize the day.

I realize the most popular reads are that either almost losing Sara in Committed or Nick in GD is what made him realize life is short, so he shouldn't waste any more time. I prefer internally vs externally driven epiphanies. IOW I prefer believing that whenever they got together that it had more to do with Grissom's emotional evolution than by some external traumatic event. It also seems to be a little too cliched a plot device, as well as somehow selling the character short. Maybe I’ve seen too many soaps where the big sweeps tragedy is what causes people to “find” each other. ND is sort of a traumatic event, but it is more of a recounting of one, and it represents an incredible turning point between them. Short version is that it is all about trust and emotional intimacy.

I suppose the other thing is that after ND if he were to go back into romantic Hamlet mode that he may actually have made the same mistake all over again. That, no matter how comforting he may have seemed during her confession, he might have given her the impression that he was again pulling back from her: that nothing had changed. And I just cannot believe at that moment in time he was going to let that happen. Lest we forget, he had already thought he'd lost her twice: when he found out about Hank and when he had rejected her in PWF. 

I suspect ND made him know that he wanted to take care of her, but I don't mean in the traditional man taking care of woman way, but more in terms of meeting her emotional needs. Showing her that he loved her, by wanting to be with her, no matter the risks to career, to self. By trusting her as she trusted him. Sex can have all sorts of metaphoric implications, but, as Grissom himself says, it is an opportunity for human connection. For a man as verbally inept as Grissom (when it comes to feelings), as well as one who believes in the inexorable link between love and sex, entering into a sexual relationship with Sara was doubtless to him his way to tell her he loved her. 

As I've mentioned elsewhere, I don't think these two ever discussed their past relationships with each other. For both of them, none of them mattered, certainly not in comparison to what they felt for each other. Sara seemed to be under the impression that, like every other man, Grissom had sexual "needs," not necessarily relationships, but sex. Hence her surprise that he'd never paid for sex, despite living in Vegas for so long. Ironically, the fact that she seems to have had no idea before Ending Happy that his sexual selectivity was so narrow also may have contributed to her insecurities in their affair. While we are never given a time frame for when he decided that sex without love was pointless, there is strong evidence, even in parts of Season 1, that it was well before he ever met Sara.

I do think Grissom's atypical sexuality is tough for people to wrap their heads around, especially as a lead male character in a TV show. A lot of folks seem to think of course he would have sex with Catherine or Heather or Sofia if the opportunity presented itself. The way I see Grissom is that of course he wouldn't. With the exception of Sara, whom he loves romantically, when Grissom loves a woman (Heather, Catherine), he values the relationship as is, and it's all that he needs from it. For him, I think, to have sex with a woman he loves Platonically would in fact ruin that relationship. It would add an element he neither needed nor wanted, and he would feel that the particular bond would be altered, even destroyed.

The problem for Grissom is that what he felt for Sara terrified him. He had such a well-ordered life before the girl with the ponytail walked into his lecture. He didn't need close personal relationships; he didn't need sex. He had work and science and problem solving. He had his "students." And, boom, at 41, he's suddenly like a teenager in love. He thinks about her, he dreams about her, he feels love, experiences desire. He is out of his element. The sum total of his confusion is succinctly summed up when he tells her he doesn't know what to do about "this." And that "this" is the whole ball of everything Sara Sidle makes him feel. The stuff poets wrote about. The stuff he thought he'd never have, the stuff he couldn't even conceive he could ever even want. He wants it so much it paralyzes him. He cannot step over the line. And in that moment he is sure he has lost her forever.

And then he is given another chance, not because he has gotten down on his knees and begged her for one but because, after everything, after every attempt to distance himself from her so they could both move on, she is still there. After all the years of permutations and rejection and hurt, they are still in love. For not one moment since the day she walked into his lecture have they not been in love. 

In Leave Out all the Rest, Sara says she “thought we could survive anything.” By the time they get together in Vegas, they have already survived a lot. They have intentionally and unintentionally hurt and rejected each other. She has tried to get a “life” completely devoid of him, and he has done his best to distance himself from her, despite his being drawn to her “like a moth to a flame.” Yet, despite all of this, the love they feel for one another has only deepened. They are, emotionally, already a couple, and they probably always have been, even if they didn’t know it.

All of which brings me back to the evolution of Gil and Sara as an actual couple. While I think they consummated their relationship within a short period after ND, (or reconsummated it if they had sex in SF), it's not that I think they fell into some sort of fully formed relationship. Hell, these two are babes in the woods when it comes to love and romance. I suspect they began a sexual relationship without taking the time to define what exactly it was, other than the fact that they both realized nobody could know about it. I doubt, initially, they discussed much having to do either with the depth of their feelings or where they hoped the relationship would go. Instead, it was probably primarily physical, although they may have begun to spend more and more time together, one or the other occasionally "sleeping over," or even sharing a meal or watching a movie together. (Ironically, if they did have a sexual encounter(s) in SF, I think a large part of the confusion in Vegas was probably because they never discussed feelings, fidelity, or a future. Despite the depth of what each felt, they probably both would have played it as casual.)

My read is that there was a significant turning point due to the events in Committed. There is no doubt Grissom was shaken when Adam Trent held the shard to her neck. He must have meditated on the potential cruel irony that almost was: after years of denying himself being with Sara that in an instant he almost lost her, irrevocably. While I doubt he dashed to her place and declared his overwhelming love to her, I certainly think it possible he said something along the lines of not being able to bear losing her, or, perhaps, if something had happened to her, he would miss her for the rest of his life. It was perhaps at that point they moved to the next level, with at least a tacit acknowledgement that they were, in fact, a couple and wanted more out of the relationship than sex. (It might be too neat of a play on words if the events of this episode caused them to admit they were in a "committed" relationship.)

To me the silly scene in Grave Danger between them is so telling. They are so open, relaxed with each other. They are intimate. The entire scene comes across as if they are in their own private bubble in the middle of the lab. One of the more fascinating and consistent narrative techniques employed by CSI with GSR is oppositional analogy. (An example is in Swap Meet, wherein we are told both Sara and Grissom are naturally monogamous within the context of wife swapping.) In Grave Danger, we see Grissom acting completely and unabashedly like an excited little kid with Sara. The sweet irony to me is that he has grown up. He has taken down the walls between them. He has let her in. And, suddenly, she seems not his eager student but more akin to a patient, adoring wife.

The beauty of GSR is that these are two convoluted, emotionally damaged people who get each other, the good and the bad, and love each other anyway. It is unconditional love. And it is selfless, often too much so. They want each other to be happy. The sad undercurrent is that, at times, each loses sight of the fact that each is the other's key to happiness. When rifts develop, it is not because of the faults they see in each other but because of those each sees in themselves. 

[saturnsgrove-ed]

Saturn's Grove

Entry 1

Monday, June 14th, 2021

TW: eating disorders, ED behaviors, self loathing, mental health struggles, jokes about suicide that aren't actually 100% jokes, dark humor, abuse mention, dysfunctional family.

NOT A PRO BLOG. THIS IS JUST MY FEELINGS. NO THINSPO EVER.

Cw: 164

44lbs from next GW, 54lbs from UGW

!!! -Originally from an ed discord server personal vent channel ("diary" channels), for context on some of the points I've made in the second to last paragraph.

I am currently debating throwing all of my food away. I might. I probably will, actually. Give it to the chickens, let them gorge and grow fat and happy on my self induced suffering-- that sounds about right.

Anyway, what spurred this shit? Great question. Not planning on answering that so early here, but I'll preface, in short, with 🌟Family Trouble🌟 and past history of 🌟Abuse🌟

For future reference, if you see "🌟" Its a lovely tone indicator that I am being sarcastically reverent to that which causes me the most pain. :)

Escapist fantasies are nice, I've been thinking about dropping everything and moving to Missouri. But why the fuck would I move to Missouri? Not sure. Just like the landscape, I think. West Virginia, too. Anything that is 1: not the desert, and 2: at least three states away from my family, would be lovely. Do you ever get that desire to simply.. walk off into the wilderness and just die? Welcome to the vibe of my life! Death and escapism are irrevocably intertwined here, because isn't death just the ultimate escape?

Unfortunately, I am a coward, so the ultimate escape will have to wait until I have a breakdown severe enough to make me grow a pair and try it! Probably not gonna happen. As I stated before, I am, first and foremost, a 🌟coward🌟. Which, I suppose is what also leads to my terrible coping mechanism of lying in the face of danger or conflict -- instead of just coming out with it when things get shitty.

On to other things...

I have started a 3-ish day fast, a liquid fast because I am weak, to punish myself. I would like to be able to go for an entire month, we'll see how that goes. I was friends with someone, once, in an old ED server who managed an entire month before ending up in the hospital. I'd like to think I could manage it, and, due to living out in buttfuck nowhere Arizona, maybe I could just die! Doubtful Apologies if my humor offends, I'm really only partially joking, and... Well, you did come here of your own volition.

Also excuse my lengthy and roundabout ways to explaining things, 'tis the curse of an author who never writes in first person. Third person is far more appealing, but it would be strange to refer to myself as "Kaden", using pronouns that are not a single letter, or do not explicitly start with "m" and end with "e". Strange doesn't encompass it, really. You should try it sometime; write about yourself as though you're looking in from the outside. It's terribly revealing and I don't think I've ever been meaner to myself. You can only say "I hate myself" so many ways in first person perspective after all... second person is lovely, however. "You stupid bitch" "Why would you eat that" "This is why you're a fat, ugly fuck." Lovely, but third person? Oh man. So strange, but so satisfying. Reading it back later on is like reading a personal attack from a close friend, and it is terrible fuel for my self destructive tendencies -- alas, it is still just a bit too strange to do consistently.

This is what I was talking about when I referred to tangents, ironically enough. The idea of personal diary channels is actually a really interesting one; personal vent threads, the private and intimate illusion of a personal diary, yet the public scrutiny and possible ridicule of an open discord channel. My heart is palpatating at the very thought, though I suppose that could just be my vitamin deficiencies.

Anyway, that's all for now, but I'll be back soon enough, I'm sure. Don't be surprised if my writing style flips around a bit depending on my mood-- this is my lowest which, interestingly enough, lends itself to a rather in depth but still sarcastic and self depreciating voice in my words and explanations of things. Being buried by your own thoughts and feelings had that effect, I suppose.

Bye for now

[brazenbells]

I know I'm largely absent from Tumblr these days, but I feel like I should maybe update; I've been dealing with some health stuff lately, both bad and (potentially) hopeful.

So, back in January, I went to the hospital for chest pain. It turned out to be GERD (acid reflux), which seems like not that big of a deal until it becomes a major part of your life.

I got on medication and was relatively fine until March, when I had the flu (confirmed flu A, not COVID). Something about that kicked it into high gear, and since then I've been kinda dealing with a roller coaster of misery re: gastro stuff.

Eating food is, like, required for living, but it's also like spinning a roulette wheel of miserable symptoms every time I do it (but not eating when I start to get hungry is even worse!). I can't eat anything spicy, but I've had to completely redefine what "spicy" means--bland chili, things with enough black pepper to taste, and some kinds of basic barbecue sauce are now in that category. I have to sleep propped at about a forty five degree angle, and can't eat within 3 hours of laying down (4 is safer). I've cut so many things out of my diet. And even religiously following all these instructions, I still randomly have days where my entire esophagus just burns. Or I feel like I can't breathe.

I've recently had some tests that determined it wasn't my gallbladder, liver, or kidneys--but I was iron deficient & anemic, which probably explains why I'm sleeping 10+ hours a day and still tired. Primary care physician thinks it might be a stomach ulcer, and I have an appointment tomorrow with a specialist. If you've got any good thoughts to send, I'll appreciate them--I just want something I can do to fix it.

So...that's the bad.

The hopeful health stuff is that I'm finally going to get assessed for ADHD. I found a local center that works with both adults and children that can do the assessment. I don't really know what the next step is after that--I mean, I feel relatively sure that it's going to lead to a diagnosis, but after that I guess I'll work with the doctor on whether that ultimately leads to medication or something else. Still, I think a diagnosis would help me get into a better place with my mental health and daily functioning, for a host of reasons.

[writingwithcolor]

British Bangladeshi Muslim 21 Year Old

I’m usually a lurker on this blog but, I’ve decided to send in a POC profile - mainly because it’s so rare for me to see someone like me represented in the media. In fact, I’m not certain I’ve ever seen someone Bangladeshi represented in mainstream media 

Beauty Standards 

Colourism is a very big thing still in the Bangladeshi community. My parent’s generation, despite liking to think that they’re very open minded still fall into the trap of the narrow minded view so present in the older generations. I’ve always fallen on the fairer side and as I grew up and developed mild iron deficiency, people would comment on how beautiful my skin was (and some people use the Bengali word for beautiful as being synonymous for fair), whilst my younger sister who is on the darker side but very rarely gets such comments. 

Clothing 

On a day to day basis, I wear casual English clothes or more casual Asian clothing around the house. But, for special occasions where I’m going to be with other Bengali people, I do tend to wear traditional clothing. Essentially, all the women in our house have two wardrobes; one with English clothes and one with Asian clothes. Although, nowadays, the English wardrobe seems to be growing more and more packed. A quick thing - traditional Asian clothes, especially those that are very flashy and embroidered, are heavy and so people don’t tend to wear them that often. 

But - it differs between person to person. My mum wears English clothes around the home but her older sister wears a saree - a plainer saree but a saree none the less. 

Culture 

Culture is an odd one for me because I’ve never felt as if I belonged to either one. Growing up, I didn’t fit into the typical English stereotype because I wasn’t Caucasian and I grew up bilingual. I’d also hear all these bad things about Bangladesh, and the experiences others had around me would mould the opinion I had of a country my family still refer to as their motherland. But, as I’ve grown older and actually started to make opinions for myself, I’ve begun to accept that I can be a part of both, I don’t need to be one or the other. 

Dating and Romance

In my family at least, ‘dating’ is done with the intention to marry. It all remains very chaste - with very little/no physical affection - until after marriage and almost all dates are with chaperones. The only ones that happen without chaperones are those in secret or those happening after the engagement. Nowadays, I feel like love marriages are the norm and most couples meet through being introduced by other people. 

Food

Food is a big part of our culture. In fact, if you’re invited to someone’s house, or if you pop in for five minutes, it’s considered rude to not sit down and have a cup of tea or even to have an entire meal. Food is one of the ways that we show affection for each other and, especially for important days like Eid, food plays a central role. Eating a meal together on a festival day like Eid is one of the few days of the year when all the adults and all the children gather together and spend time together. 

In my home at least, rice and curry is a staple. As Bangladesh is mainly riverine, fish is an important part of the diet. In fact, there’s a saying that if you can’t eat fish, you’re not really Bengali (which makes things a bit awkward for my uncle who is allergic to fish) and in some families there’s a tradition of a new bride cooking a fish curry on the second day of marriage. I’m not sure why, but it’s a thing. 

Home/Family life/ Friendship

I could talk about family for ages … 

My family is on the big side with my Mum being one of eight and my Dad being one of six. I’m one of three, but all of my cousins are considered like siblings - because we were raised as siblings. The familial bond is an important one and it’s often one that’s a burden to bear. For instance, as I’m the oldest granddaughter/niece/cousin I’m called affa by every cousin younger than me (Affa meaning older sister) and this burden is quite a heavy one to bear. It means that when the cousins experience any issues, they run to you to sort it out whether it’s something small or something big and it’s a burden I don’t mind shouldering. After all, it’s one I’ll likely have to carry for the rest of my life. 

Everyone older than you is treated with respect - even if you don’t want to respect them at all. For some reason, it’s an important thing.

Friendship between Bengali girls is … something else. Often we’ll break off and have our own conversation in Bengali as if it’s some sort of secret code and this usually comes in extremely handy when discussing secret birthday party plans in front of the person whose birthday we’re planning. Personally, my parents have never been strict that I can’t have any male friends - I honestly don’t think they care but I know of other parents who insist that their daughters can’t have male friends. 

Language 

To me particularly, the language was an important thing. I grew up bilingual because my grandparents lived with us and they couldn’t communicate in English. But, I don’t remember ever making the effort to learn it - it was something I picked up. I certainly can’t read or write in Bengali but I can speak it. However, this ability doesn’t seem to have transferred to my sister and most of the younger cousins. Most of my younger cousins can’t speak Bengali and so struggle to communicate with our grandparents and it’s sad to say but this isn’t strange at all. Many of the new generation British Bangladeshi’s can’t speak the language and in fact, they don’t care to learn it because they don’t see it as being worth passing along. 

Religion

As a Muslim woman, I find myself being constantly policed. Whether it’s by the media or by those around me. There seems to be a misconception that if a woman wears a hijab (the head covering) then she is the epitome of all things chaste and virtuous - but that’s not always the case. There are so many hijabis I know that don’t pray five times a day or keep their fasts or they drink etc. In fact, I’ve met a lot of muslim women who don’t wear hijab but their niyyah (intention) and their behaviour is inline with religion - my sister being an example. 

The basic 5 pillars of islam, the first of which is the shahadah which is the declaration of faith. This is whispered by father’s into their children’s ears at birth and is the last thing whispered into someone’s ear as they pass away.

The daily prayers are the second - with 5 prayers throughout the day and this is something I know many people struggle with, but I personally think that faith is a personal thing - you alone know your struggles. If you are praying 5 times a day and you are ridiculing someone who only prays once, you may think you’re doing the right thing. But for all you know - that person who prays once a day may be someone who reverted to the faith (revert being what we call converts) and they may be on the road to accepting Islam. Your two minutes of ridicule may even turn someone else away from peace they were hoping to find in Islam.

Zakat is the third which refers to giving alms to the poor and this is often done in the month of Ramadan. 

Fasting in Ramadan is the fourth pillar and during this month, Muslims fast from sun rise to sunset and we’re not allowed to drink or eat anything. (And yes - this includes water. Not even water? Is a question we always get)

The final pillar, the fifth refers to Hajj which is the yearly pilgrimage to Mecca. Everyone who is able to afford the trip and can make it, should complete it at least once in their lives. All my family who have been, have said that it is the most peaceful time they’ve ever spent in their lives. 

Things I’d like to see less of…

Muslim girls being ‘repressed’ by wearing the hijab and having a curfew and being secretly rebellious once they leave the home.

 Yes, I have a curfew but mostly it’s because my parent’s are terrified after hearing of all the stabbings and the acid attacks that happen to hijab wearing Muslim women

The overly strict father figure who is unreasonable and adores sons over his daughters. 

My father was on the strict side yes, but I realise now, after growing up and talking to him that it was all shaped on his own experiences. Yes, he might not have let me play in the streets until late like other kids but it was because when he was young, if he stayed out too late the racist teens would approach the Bengali children and attack them. My father was strict, but in the way that other parents in his position will be. (If anything, my mother is stricter … and the worst thing she does is text me a list of chores that she wants me to do whilst she’s at work)

That brings me onto the next point; the mother who stays at home being uneducated and relying on her husband for everything. 

There’s nothing wrong with that - but the issue comes when this character is used to put down Bengali women, to try and show how much better Caucasian educated women are. 

Another thing I absolutely can’t stand is the idea of a Bengali girl falling for some plain, boring Caucasian boy and he removes the wool from over her eyes, teaching her how repressed she was and how she should embrace this Western lifestyle. When a boy tried that on me in my first year of uni, I walked away from him the moment he told me that he has a hijab kink because Muslim girls are and I quote ‘untouched and I can teach them everything’.

Things I’d like to see more of…

Supportive family units. 

Whilst I might fall out with my parents every now and then, as is natural, they still support me. My father and I often head out for little ice cream cafe dates and my mother is teaching me to cook (although her cooking style tends to be put enough of this in and enough of that - there’s no measurements of anything) and my siblings and cousins and I gather as a whole every weekend. Those of us that live close enough to anyway. The 20+ of us that do gather, take over a house and all between the ages of 21 and 5 tend to be unruly and can go crazy but it’s a dynamic no one seems to want to represent.

The educated hijabi. 

Goodness, I can’t stand seeing the trope of a girl wanting to marry and pop out babies and etc - yes, it’s a valid trope but again, so many people use it to show how backwards we are. My eyes are even rolling now - Bengali Muslim girls are amongst some of the most driven people I have met and this is usually because the older women in our families weren’t given these opportunities and most people instantly assume that we’re not going to get far. 

Casual mentions of Islam - religion is a big part of a character. 

But I hate it being a controversial thing especially since Islam literally translates to ‘peace gained through submission to Allah’ and newsflash, Allah is the arabic word for God. That’s it. Why can’t we have characters who have to be home before sunset because they need to pray? Or hijabis needing to go shopping for a new headscarf or even phrases like 'this top would be so cute if it weren’t see through’ or 'if only this dress was floor length and then I wouldn’t have to wear leggings with it. I hate having to wear leggings in the heat’. These are things I regularly say! 

Wooow, this is long and I kind of ended up rambling. But I hope it helps someone! 

Read more POC Profiles here or submit your own.

[captain-aralias]

Vampirism for fun and profit

We learned some good stuff about vampires from ‘Wayward Son’. Here’s a list, because like @sharkmartini​ says - it could come in useful. (To fic writers, I assume; not vampires who are new to vampirism.)

Big ticket items are obviously to do with ageing and the effects of vampire bites. I will also add in - the vampire thrall, which is a significant new ability we didn’t know about. 

Ageing and immortality: 

Lots of this obviously has to be taken with a pinch of salt, as it comes from Lamb who is not a reliable source. I assume it is the truth - but given that we have no proof, it could easily be ignored or disproved in fic or later books.

It’s strongly implied that vampires are immortal unless killed. Also, they either have very slow ageing or don’t age. 

Lamb implies repeatedly that he’s around 300 years old (when vampire society was very different), asks Baz how old he is “really”, and the NowNext vampires specifically want vampirism because it stops them ageing. 

"I pre-date choice. ... All my people understood was war and hunger, and demons who came in the dark." (Chapter 52)

Does vampirism stop ageing immediately? @krisrix theorises that it’s to do with drinking human blood, rather than animal blood, which makes sense to me. However, we might also hypothosise that since Lamb’s brother killed his parents before he went for Lamb, it’s possible he was much younger than the 34 he claims to appear to be when he was turned and has now aged to around 34.

There’s plenty still to play with here - Baz isn’t very good at asking questions about his condition, and did not get information about what loopholes exist. 

Lamb also claims that you can’t stop being a vampire, but presumably he has never tried:

"You won't feel so close to them, the Normals, once you've outlived your ties to mortality ... There's no unbecoming, Baz. There's no sidestepping your true identity. All the rabbits in the world won't change you back. They'll just leave you thirsty." (Chapter 52)

The Turn and other effects of vampire bites:

I was willing to challenge this one when we just had ‘Carry On’, although it’s presented as pure fact that Baz’s fangs will turn someone into a vampire. But of course he literally does not know. (Which is all the proof you should need that everything is up for grabs, unless Baz has experienced himself. And even then, we might be able to write it off later because he’s so isolated and doesn’t know how to be a vampire.)

Again - none of this is provable as once again nobody thinks to get any evidence for Lamb’s claims or Shepard’s hearsay. (Why not look up that guy who got bitten? Isn’t this relevant to your life, Baz?) However it seems likely that not all bites result in someone becoming a vampire.

"Oh I doubt he Turned him," Shepard says, smothering his chips in ketchup. "Vampires hate to Turn people. They either take a sip and let you go - or drain you dry"

Lamb says the same thing:

"So you don't Turn people?" "Rarely. Most of don't want the chaos and competition. Almost no one wants the responsibility." (Chapter 52)

However, it’s worth noting here again that when he talks about his brother he states that his brother didn’t want a “comrade”; he was “thirsty”. So it seems like if you don’t know what you’re doing, you can definitely Turn someone accidentally. 

If, however, you do know what you’re doing, you don’t have to kill or Turn. Again - we primarily hear from the vampire’s POV, but Lamb strongly and repeatedly implies that people like being bitten. 

"No need to leave a corpse when you can leave a satisfied customer, you know?" (Chapter 44)

"Because I didn't enjoy being bitten."  "Then someone was doing it wrong." (Chapter 52)

You could argue that this is supported by the sight of the Normal (?) girl Baz sees at the party, who does seem to be having a good time.

"A Very beautiful woman - a girl my age - stumbles past me, laughing. There's blood streaked down her neck" (Chapter 44)

Not entirely sure whether the guy who gets bitten later in the chapter is enjoying it, though, so ... again, room to play with whatever.

"The man's neck goes limp. His head droops back, his hat falls off. His eyes immediately glaze over. I've seen that face on a deer before." (Chapter 44)

Turn is always capitalised, btw. 

Different kinds of blood: 

Shephard notes that Baz looks greyer than the rest of the vampires:

Not as drained and ghostly. If this is what a vampire is supposed to look like, then maybe Baz is a vampire with an iron deficiency." (Chapter 53)

Lamb probably confirms that Baz’s colour and the kind of blood he drinks are related:

"No wonder you're so pale. You're malnourished."(Chapter 50)

The NextBlood vampires are probably all really new vampires (like - the last 10 years), but they don’t look like Baz. They look incredibly healthy and are almost certainly surviving on human blood they get from somewhere. They don’t drink blood; they transfuse. 

"They don't even drink, Baz - they transfuse. They won't touch anything that hasn't been tested frozen, and stored. I've heard they've started pasteurising.” (Chapter 50).

We also learned (and we learned this for sure) that you can fang-up or fang-down at will. (Chapter 50)

The smell of Simon:

Last time on ‘Baz doesn’t want to eat his friends but he also does’, he told Simon he smelt like bacon and cinamon buns (CO, Chapter 71) - although he might have been being metaphorical. (I tend to think not, but could be convinced.) Later, at the leaver’s ball, he says Simon’s smell has changed - and now he smells like “something sweet and brown. No more green fire and brimstone.” (CO, Epilogue)

This time we get a new description, although it tallies with the CO Epilogue.

Simon smells like the kitchen after you pop popcorn and melt butter. There's a singe to it, with a round, yellow, fatty feeling that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Bunce is sharper and sweeter - vinegar and treacle. (Chapter 14)

And when Simon is shot:

Simon's blood smells like brown butter. (Chapter 60)

Baz tries to block this out with Altoids, which he must buy specially from some sort of posh-person shop because I’ve never seen them on sale. 

They're very good for blocking out blood smells. Especially the spearmint flavour." (Chapter 55)

The thrall and other vampire abilities:

There’s not much to say about this, but I thought it came out of nowhere. And I know the gang had lots of worry about but no one was like, holy shit - vampires can do that??

Lamb did something to me. Hypnotized me or something. (Chapter 55)

In this particular case Shepard appears to those around him to be napping. (Is that all the thrall can do? We have no information.) It doesn’t feel good once it wears off.

I'm still a little hungover from my vampire thrall. (Chapter 50)

The other abilities are all confirmation of, or build on, things we learned in ‘Carry On’.

Advanced hearing: Lamb and Baz are both able to hear Simon’s heartbeat. (Chapter 52)

All senses are particularly advanced at night (which I think might be knew. We know they don’t like sunlight, but this seems to be more than that. Like - senses get better.) Although I treat this as the least trustworthy piece of information Lamb gives us as it’s just before the betrayal. (Chapter 54) 

Vampires move in a particularly stealthy way that is very noticeable: 

Vampires aren't especially beautiful (though some are). That's a myth, I think - vampire beauty. What they are is especially rich. And especially ... liquid. They move like oil, like shadows. Like cats. (Chapter 44)

General speed, strength, feeling like a brick wall if you punch them, faster healing (to go with not getting sick in CO). 

I know that I heal faster than other people. (More proof that I'm nota person.) But I've never really tested my limits. No one's ever emptied a shotgun into my chest or kicked me in the gut with steel-toed cowboy boots...

The worst I've been injured before this was when the numpties took me. I think my leg healed right away even then - but it healed wrong because I was stuck in that coffin.

Before that, there were fights with Simon. A few black eyes over the years, a split lip. I healed fast from those injuries, but so did he. I think Simon's magic used to heal him, even when he couldn't cast the spells to heal himself. (Chapter 37)

Vampire weaknesses: 

I don’t think much is new here, but as Baz remarks at the end, we certainly do know a lot about how to kill vampires. Some methods include: fire, beheading, being possessed by a demon and then getting a vampire to bite you, staking.

The vampire impaled on my axe handle has already started to wither. Like it was the magic in his heart holding him together. I pull back the stake, and he falls - a man-shaped pile of blood and boots and ashes. (Chapter 22)

Methods that don’t work include: gunshot and potentially most other weapons, although I can’t tell whether the Ren Fayre weapons are just terrible. (I assumed they were, and that this was hilarious.) 

There’s a bit more information about crosses as well. I thought Doctor Wellbelove had given Simon a specific vampire talisman, but apparently literally any cross will do, bonus points for silver. (Simon’s is gold.)

There are at least three people wearing crosses sitting near me. One of them must be silver; my nose won't stop running. (Chapter 9)

This makes me think that maybe what happened was that Simon said ‘my roommate’s a vampire, help!’ and Agatha’s dad was like, I don’t think so, Simon, but OK here you go - here’s a cross that will protect you from the, ahem, “vampire”. It was supposed to be a placebo, but since no one knows anything about vampires, Simon got back to school and Baz was like ‘argh, wtf is this??”

(N.B. It makes no sense to me that the cross thing is real, btw. Not all crosses are blessed, which means they’re just shapes. Why would vampires be repelled by a shape?)

Vampires get sunburnt. And go black, rather than red. (Chapter 16) Baz thinks it might not heal, but it does, just more slowly.

Baz, at least, can get drunk. Lamb implies that other vampires don’t - is this because Baz is a weirdo vampire, or because he just isn’t a big drinker? I assume the latter, but could be convinced of the former.

History and society: 

There’s a lot of stuff about the Las Vegas vampires, which I’m not recording because there’s lots of it and I’m mostly interested in this stuff for Baz-related fic and I’m assuming he will never go back to Vegas.

Are things like vampires being ‘tight lipped’ and vampires being ‘over the top’ specific to Las Vegas or the species? I assume it’s cultural and specific to the Vegas vampires.

Some famous UK vampire killings:

"I remember hearing, back in the fifties, that there wasn't a single one of us left in the UK - that Old Man Pitch had driven us out, like St Patrick driving the snakes from Ireland." (Chapter 44)

And of course Beatrix Potter apparently murdered every vampire in Lancashire.

You can apparently get a medal for slaying vampires. (Chapter 23) And all the shit the Mage did pales in comparison with him chatting to vampires. It doesn’t even seem to matter what he asked them to do for him (i.e. murder someone) - it’s literally just talking to them. (Chapter 37) The World of Mages is fucked up.

Baz doing other vampire stuff:

"Pork is the worst, sometimes I have to leave the Watford dining hall on days they served bacon" (Chapter 50)

Baz has also read Ann Rice and once ate his own dog. (Chapter 22)

That’s all I got!

According to the Kindle copy I have, the word ‘vampire’ (including vampires, but not vampirism) is mentioned 302 times in ‘Wayward Son’ compared to only 162 times in ‘Carry On’.

If you spot anything I missed, have other theories about vampires, or just want to talk about how Baz is a vampire, please let me know.

[friendlycybird]

An Open Letter to Jonny Sims and Alex Newall Regarding the Positive Effects of The Magnus Archives on my Mental Health.

Hi. 

Insert gushing here, love you both, love your work, lets get to the point. 

I have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and at long last I have an appointment to be assessed for Adult ADHD. Add Chronic Migraines and severe Iron Deficiency Anemia to that and I’m a mess. My specific diagnoses are fairly well-trod in terms of therapeutic techniques though, and having been in and out of therapy for going on two-thirds of my life, I’ve amassed quite the tool set for addressing the mess that is my mental health. 

Of course, when the kitchen is flooding, the size of your tool box doesn’t matter. What matters is how fast you can grab the right wrench before you drown. This isn’t something therapy prepares you for. Not to do independently, at any rate. Of course there are crisis hotlines are there if you really need them, but the whole point of therapy is to make the repairs yourself and trying to do that mid-crisis is...not easy. 

Enter TMA. 

In the words of Sasha James “...I generally avoid horror...” but when your favorite fanfic author is migrating into a horror fandom, what is there to do but give it a try? I’m glad I did. Because the horror in this show is not only effective, and emotionally evocative...it’s also careful. Q+As, tweets from both of you, and in more subtle ways the content itself, has earned my trust. That’s a bit of a funny word, trust. I suppose it means...I’ve come to understand what to expect from it. The fact that one of the things I expect is not knowing what to expect is deeply ironic but there are three things I do know. 

It will be unsettling. It will be painful. 

...and it won’t *damage* me. 

There are trigger warnings available. I have time to prepare myself, or even opt out of an episode and ask a community member for a rundown if I absoloutly have to. The content itself never belittles trauma or treats events as if someone should be Over Them By Now. Subjects that resonate deeply with me are touched on and handled with so much care, even respect. 

If you were to put it on a graph, The Magnus Archives exists at the highest possible intersection between Fear and Safety for me. Which alone is an impressive feat. 

So what does this have to do with my mental health toolbox? Essentially...it creates controlled crises for me to react to. My partner calls it distress tolerance. That’s not a term that’s come up with one of my therapists yet though. I can stimulate my anxiety, or sometimes depression, and feel safe enough that I’m clear-headed enough to grab the right tool to fix it. It’s practice. And what’s more...it’s working. The longer I’m in this fandom, the more progress I make on getting the jump on crises and applying the tools I’ve had for years when I need them to get myself under control during or after an anxiety attack or depressive episode. 

It’s not perfect, and I still have a long way to go, but it helps. 

But wait, there’s more!  Haha. 

The Magnus Archives has also provided a brand-new, therapist-approved Tool for, very specifically, fighting Anxiety.  That is, very specifically, the powers. Entities, Fears, whatever you want to call them. They are Roots to my various Anxieties, my fears. When something scares me (and it’s not completely irrational, in which case I need to try something else) I can start digging at why. Start looking at what it is I’m afraid of. And now, thanks to TMA? Now I have a name (or several) to pin that on. 

So if I feel ignored by a larger group and start to get anxious? I can take a moment to examine that and then take another moment to inform Forsaken that I have no interest in Feeding it. And the fear starts to ebb. If I have mysterious chest pain that only gets worse because it scared me? I can tell Desolation to fuck off and let me get through the entire Worst Case Best Case Most Likely exercise in peace. 

I know that when you created this podcast, you did so with the intent to entertain and not much, if any, more than that. I just wanted you to know that, for at least one individual, you have done so much more. There’s every chance this (already too long) letter is just the tip of the iceberg and I haven’t done enough self-examination to know how much more you’ve helped me with this story that I love So, So much. Mostly though, I wanted to say thank you, and explain exactly what I’m thanking you for. 

<3 FriendlyCybird

[eldritchsurveys]

533.

Does it bother you when people beg? >> Yeah. Unless you mean panhandle (as opposed to begging for someone’s attention or something), in which case no, not really. Do you ever eat cookie dough raw? >> No. Are you one of those people who are always cold? >> No, I’m one of those people that’s usually hot. I just have a high internal body temperature, for some reason (which is funny because that’s not a typical thing for iron-deficient people to experience, and I’ve been iron-deficient for most of my life). If I put too many layers on even in the middle of midwestern winter, I’m liable to feel like I’m in a sauna and about to die. When was the last time you rode a rollercoaster? >> I was a teenager. When was the last time you ate a doughnut? >> Early last month, when we got apple cider doughnuts from Robinette’s.

Do you have any plans this summer? >> Summer ended recently. Is there someone you wish you were closer to? >> I wish I could properly experience closeness with people outworld. Do you like hot dogs? >> Meh. Do you have any weird rings? >> No? Have any bad addictions? >> No. Are you anything like your siblings? >> --- When was the last time you shaved your legs? >> Oh, man. I think I did it once for the fuck of it a couple of years ago, but aside from that little lark it’s been at least 4 years since I shaved my legs. When was the last time you were sick? >> I have no idea. Are you a fan of Miranda Cosgrove? >> No. How many more months until your birthday? >> Six. Do you like long bike rides? >> I can’t do long bike rides, because my stamina for that kind of activity is shit. I’m sure I’d enjoy them if I were in shape. Do you know someone who is blind? >> I know someone who is legally blind in one eye. Do you have a YouTube account? >> Yeah, because I have a Google account. Will next Friday be a good one? >> I can’t see into the future. How many cell phones have you had? >> At least 10. When was the last time something bothered you? >> Not too long ago, I’m sure. When it’s your birthday, do you hope its a good one? >> Well, sure. But I’m not going to lose my shit if it isn’t, because that happens too sometimes. Do you ever try free samples at the store? >> Sure, sometimes. Can you speak French or Spanish? >> I can speak a little Spanish, but nothing elaborate. Do you own a pair of yellow socks? >> No. What school year do you think will be/was the saddest? >> --- What color is your school? >> --- Do you like boys with long hair? >> Well, men, sometimes. Have you ever had plum juice? >> I don’t think so. I’ve had plenty of plums, though. Have you pretended to be someone your not? >> I’ve exaggerated or downplayed facets of myself, but nothing so elaborate as constructing an entirely different persona for myself. Have you ever passed out? >> Yeah. Was today someones birthday that you know? >> No. Have you drank any water today? >> Yeah. When was the last time you had a crowd at your house? >> --- Are you worried about anything right now? >> No. Are you keeping anything from your best friends right now? >> --- Do you currently have any mosquito bites? >> No. Have you ever recieved a speeding ticket? >> No. Do you have Twitter? >> No. If you found out you were pregnant, who would you tell? >> --- Is your driveway stone or pavement? >> There’s a parking lot, so pavement. Do you think it would be cool to have a gummy bear lamp? >> I don’t know? I’ve never seen one. Have you ever caught something on fire? >> Things that are meant to be lit on fire, yeah, like cigarettes and incense. Do you have pet goats? >> No. Do you say “Okay” or “Alright” more? >> I don’t know.