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evansbby · 2 years

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Hey everyone 💜 This is just something personal I thought I’d share. For no reason, really, except I felt like I wanted to and that I should. I’ve never shared this with anyone before and there’s really no purpose to this except I just wanted to write it all down. Please don’t reblog! (Not that anyone would lmao, but just saying). tw: suicide mention

A few years ago, when I was about 17/18, I was quite active on tumblr in a different fandom (not this blog, this is a sideblog that used to be empty and was one of my saved urls before I started posting on here in Feb of last year. Anyways, there was this one person whom I befriended on tumblr and we used to talk on messages like every day. And it got so unhealthy, to the point where I’d feel bad if I was online and didn’t reply to them, and felt like I always had to reply to them or else they’d get passive aggressive? I remember once I told them something along the lines of “hey! maybe it’d be okay if we… didn’t talk every day? like we’d still be friends, friends don’t have to talk every single day” and oh my gosh, they got so passive aggressive about it and made me feel so so guilty that I took it all back. I remember crying actual real tears over this, which is so crazy thinking back. Now, this person wasn’t a bad person and I wish them all the best in whatever they’re doing now and honestly don’t really have any ill feeling towards them. What I’m saying is that I was not emotional equipped or mature enough to be dealing with something like that. And then I remember another person (completely unrelated to this first person) randomly messaged me one day all like “you never speak to me, I thought we were friends!” And wrote all these paragraphs talking about how I don’t speak to them when we were never really close to begin with? And yet I let myself feel bad once more. I just did not have the emotional maturity to be creating boundaries online and all of this was a result of that. So I took a break from tumblr and I remember crying real tears and having a panic attack in the toilet and hoping these people would forgive me for taking a break. A BREAK FROM A DAMN WEBSITE. and then I came back a while later and I had my boundaries set very VERY high.

Which is still true now. Like, I never expected this blog to blow up as much as it has or the sheer volume of asks and messages I get every single day. (Not showing off but idk how else to put it). And I love it, like I love this type of interaction and I feel like this fandom is so much friendlier and healthier than any previous fandoms I’ve been in. Yet a lot of the time I still feel like an outsider, like I have this imposter syndrome. Like all these other blogs are all friends and I’m just there like 🧍🏻lmao. But I feel like that’s bc I’m still so wary bc of what I’ve been through on this website in the past. Like I’ve put up these high walls and I get anxious that a repeat of something like what happened before, will happen again. I feel like I’ve matured from that experience enough to set my boundaries so that I don’t EVER find myself in a position that I’m crying over someone being passive aggressive to me online (although I doubt that would ever happen again, I was like 18 when that happened and I was emotionally a child). And I feel like this is partly why I get overwhelmed so easily when my messages pile up that I just leave them ignored — bc i know this sounds deep and weird but I said to myself that the moment this stops being fun, I need to delete this app bc it’s not worth my mental health.

And it was only much later, when tiktok became a thing and people started sharing their experiences about how they were 12/13/14 and on tumblr trying to persuade a fully grown adult not to unalive themselves, that I realised that so many people have had similar toxic experiences on tumblr. Having grown people trauma dump on you through dm and you feel so guilty and don’t know how to cut them off and you think it’s a true friendship when really it’s not.

Idk why I’m sharing this except for the fact that I just had to write it down. And it still makes me anxious now, as much as I try to deny it. Then I have to remind myself that I’m a grown ass 23 year old now who will never have to go through experiences like that again, bc I am in charge of who I talk to. And this is why I kind of just… am so nervous about talking to people sometimes. Although tbh as I said before, this fandom has been so good to me. Like everyone is so nice and understanding of boundaries and I really love that. I’m happy to be a part of this community and I want to be everyone’s friend but I’m just so in my own head about it. Idk if I’m even making sense anymore, I just feel that a lot of the time I have to second-guess every interaction I make bc I don’t want people to hate me or take my humour the wrong way or find me annoying. Like, that’s my other biggest fear. Or rather, my default feeling: that people on here find my annoying lmao. And I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’ve said this before and y’all amazing people have reassured me that I’m not. But I’m just writing my feels down rn bc it’s kinda therapeutic idk. And idk how to end this so I guess I’ll just end it here lmao. Anyways

#wtf do I tag this as #my thoughts 💭

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sarcastic-salem · 2 years

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So before I say anything else I want to specify that

I am transgender but I have decided to stop taking hormones.

I don’t know right now if this decision is permanent or not. What I do know is that I thought I would be happier being on HRT. And I’m not. I’m not happier and I’m disappointed with the results, which for me have been minuscule.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells in the transmasculine community. At least with the people I’ve encountered. Because my definition of masculinity has evolved a lot, but it seems like a lot of trans men are very eager to conform to the heteronormative societal norms that define “traditional” masculinity. Whether its toxic or not, and just never speak of it again.

I can’t do that — I can’t make myself be someone I’m not. And, for me, its resulted in a lot of bullying and misogyny. I mean, I know there are other reasons but I feel like me being more feminine than other guys constitutes a lot of it.

Feminine men are treated like scapegoats in the transgender and queer community. “Masculine” men see us as the root of all evil — we’re the cause of all the homophobia and infantilizing. And TERFs see us as easy targets either for bullying or to be converted into their cults.

On top of that, I no longer believe in gender roles and I just can’t do it anymore. It feels like even mens’ clothing is designed to make a statement and to portray machismo.

I do not want to make a statement. I don’t want to be told that I’m brave for wearing floral prints or the color pink. I don’t want to have to justify my every move down to the clothes in my closet.

I am always going to spread awareness about Civil Rights, and I am always going to remind people that Loki is a queer, transgender God.

But I’m tired, I’m stressed out — I’m losing my fucking hair.

I just want to exist.

Right now, I identify as nonbinary specifically agender or pangender. I don’t think I am particularly masculine or feminine. I’m just me.

I am still transgender, but being a transgender bisexual Heathen does not mean that I have answers to every queer Heathens’ problems or that I know the solution to every Civil Rights issue or whatever.

One of the reasons the @lokisbookworm account got shut down is because, aside from getting hate mail and death threats for nearly 4 years, I was starting to feel like an unpaid therapist. I want you guys, my followers, to feel like you can come to me for anything because I love helping people and making people happy. I really do.

But I cannot tell you if you are transgender or not. That is not up to me to decide — that is for you to decide.

And I cannot tell you if the crow in your front yard or the joker card you found in a library book is a sign from Loki or Odin or whoever. I don’t speak for them, okay, and whether or not I think something is a sign is not a valid reason to just skip discernment. And assume the best or the worst.

Never skip discernment.

This account was created by accident. Technically. I had another one and because I have no idea how to navigate this app aside from the simplest shit like reblogging and making a post, that other account got shut down when I was trying to delete a side blog. But the reason this blog exists is because I am trying to be a genuinely better person and I want to try to have a positive impact.

I’m not perfect and I have fucked up a lot. You guys have no idea how much of a piece of shit I feel like every day. For being narrow minded and argumentative and accusatory. Its embarrassing but its also disappointing because like…….I try to explain and people don’t want to hear it. To an extent, I don’t blame them — actions speak louder than words, right?

But this is the fucking internet and I’m not the kind of person who documents every single second of my life with a live post or a selfie. So what do I do? I try not to argue with people. If there’s a post I disagree with, I usually back the fuck off. Unless I’m triggered and being stupid because I don’t think rationally when I’m triggered. And if someone posts things regularly that I disagree with or that upset me, I unfollow them to avoid getting into arguments.

I do fuck up, I know. Part of the reason why that is because I cannot comprehend why people are acting like Tumblr is not a social media platform. When that’s exactly what it is. I cannot understand why people are so offended when you comment or reply to their posts. Especially when they’re able to turn off the replies and the reblogs.

Like the entire concept of Tumblr etiquette is expecting people to censor themselves in a public forum.

Jfc, this post has gone off-topic but um……Yeah, I’m nonbinary and transgender. Still queer. But right now, I am going off of my hormones and I don’t know what comes next.

I am still Milo.

I don’t give a shit about pronouns. People have misgendered me so much irl, I don’t even care anymore.

Happy Yule

Blessed Holidays

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thenexusofsouls · 2 years

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Private Muse: Nuada Bethmoora

[Bio and other information below the cut!]

Type of Character & Fandom/Source Material: Fantasy canon character from the movie Hellboy II: The Golden Army (I used to write him over at @fallxnprxnce).

Disclaimer: All the information in this post is a mashup of canon information and my own headcanons/fleshing-out/OCs, etc. I’m not going to bother to mention what’s what for most of it or I’ll be here all day, heh, so I’m just going to lay it all out as one narrative. If you have any questions on whether something is a headcanon or was actually in the movie, or you want further explanations about anything below, please don’t hesitate to ask. I have been developing Nuada, his friends, and his world for many years, so although this post is long, it is only a fraction of the info crammed in my brain about this muse, haha. So yes, feel free to ask about anything you wish. Please do. =)

What I Mean By “Private Muse”: This muse is only open to mutuals and people I already rp with, so no new partners with this one for now. I have my own mental health and time constraint reasons for limiting him, and I only want to write him in a limited capacity and on a trial basis right now. Anyone can send him or me informational asks (ones that aren’t starters or rps, but that just ask questions about him), but for actual rps I’m keeping this mutuals and regulars only until further notice. If you aren’t sure if I would be willing to write Nuada with your muse(s), you can always ask me through the inbox or messager.

FC: Luke Goss as Nuada

Species: High Elf (collectively refers to ancient lines of full-size, humanoid, bipedal Elven races; seen as sort of nobility among Elvenkind... as opposed to smaller, non-humanoid-shaped, quadrupedal, shapeshifting, cryptid, or aquatic races of elves)

Race / Ethnicity: Sun Elf (a race of High Elves associated with the sun, fire, heat, gold metal, gold and yellow and cream colors, and the growth of plants as nurtured by the sun; these elves are distinguishable by their cream skin, golden hair... unless white from age, ochre colored eyes, and ochre colored blood; they are known for their battle prowess, musical ability, intelligence, dexterity in many trades, and their resistance to fire)

Bloodline / House: Bethmoora (the longstanding ruling House of the Sun Elven race)

Age: Ancient (2K+) (Sun Elves are immortal but not invincible; they can still die of injury, illness, broken hearts, and they can “fade,” which is a graceful way of saying they lose the will to live and die of what they call “natural causes”; they consider fading to be nature’s way of returning them to the earth and allowing their spirits to rest when they have served their purpose in life; fading is cause for grief, to be sure, but it is also seen as something natural and better than living with bitterness, anger, or sadness in one’s heart, or outliving one’s usefulness in life)

Gender: Male

Romantic Orientation: Demi-biromantic

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

Occupation: Prince; Warrior

Family: King Balor (canon father, deceased or not based on verse); Queen Elunae (OC mother, deceased, but her ghost still hangs around him, unbeknownst to him; I used to write her under the url “queenofbethmoora,” but the blog was deleted because of T.umb.lr derp); Princess Nuala (canon twin sister)

Potentially Triggering Material in Threads: Violence; g.enoc.idal tendencies (against humans as a race compared to elves); toxic thinking and relationships; sibling rivalry; patricide; sui.cidal ideation

Negative Personality Traits: Arrogance; anger; impulsivity; shortsightedness; stubbornness

Positive Personality Traits: Bravery; fierceness; loyalty; passion; perseverance; and a surprising amount of love even though it’s been tainted in some ways over the years

Important Personality/Nature Aspect - Nuada’s “Wild Heart”: This is something that I’ve spent a long time thinking about and detailing, and it is crucially important to Nuada as a person, as it influences his thinking and actions in many ways. I call it "croí fiáin," which in Nuada’s native language means “wild heart.” With Nuada, it’s not just a case of being hard to catch and hold onto, being a free spirit, or being a restless person with a lot of energy. It’s much more than that, and it is a condition that is so much a part of him that he cannot escape it. It functions almost like a medical or mental health condition. It’s the essence of the difference between a domesticated animal and a wild one, on a mental and spiritual level. In this post, I explain all about it and give links to other posts that go into some analyses or talk about it from Nuada’s point of view. There is a good chance it will come up in threads, so you may want to read some of it over. Or you can just ask me for a quick rundown, that’s fine too.

Nuala was not born with this same "croí fiáin" condition. Even though they are twins, Nuala is very much Nuada’s opposite in personality, demeanor, emotional/mental inclinations, and temperament. She balances him out. So in contrast to his wild heart, she is serene, calm, practical, and measured. Their people believe that they are very literally two halves of one soul. The two of them together make one whole person, so each of them are incomplete without the other. This is a rare but known phenomenon that occurs among Nuada’s people, and it is the reason why they are physically and mentally linked to each other as well. Their people believe such occurrences of this split-soul phenomenon are indicative of some kind of special destiny for one or both of them, and that they are both cursed and blessed.

Important RP Note: I DO NOT ship Nuada and Nuala romantically or sexually. I know this is canon, but I’m just not doing it at all, sorry. My twins have a very negative relationship, with each believing they have been wronged/neglected/unappreciated by the other. Nuada is possessive of Nuala, and he does get jealous if she takes romantic interest in others, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with her or wants her for himself. His jealousy more stems from his desire to mean as much to her as their father and others have, since he believes he doesn’t. It’s... a whole big mess and a longstanding feud of resentment between them. Nuada was closer to their mother but she died when they were younger, and Nuala was closer to their father. He resents Nuala for being their father’s favorite while also being jealous of others she gives her attention to. But yeah... I absolutely don’t ship them with each other.

Important Potential Medical Condition, the “Iron Malady” (tw: depression and suicidal thoughts/actions): The Iron Malady is an illness I created for one of my fictional medieval fantasy worlds that afflicted my own original races of elves, the Silverwood and Purplewood Elves. But I’ve also developed it for Nuada’s people as well, and this is actually the illness his mother died of. You can read more about it here. At its core, it is a lot like dying of grief or a broken heart, but there are some very specific causes, symptoms, and cures for it.

Background and General Information: I... don’t even know where to begin with this, heh. I’ve fleshed out parts of his childhood, his mother and his relationship with her, how his mother died, his early relationship with Nuala, his interactions with magical creatures that are now extinct, what his adolescence was like... There’s just so much. I feel like things will come out as they come up in threads? I’m just way to lazy to write out everything I can think of, haha. Feel free to ask me anything you’d like about him, though.

But very generally speaking, Nuada was born a prince to King Balor and Queen Elunae, along with a younger twin sister, Nuala. He’s a Sun Elf, meaning elves that are associated with warmth, sunlight, plants, forests, dawn, and the color/metal gold. They are naturally resistant to fire, cannot be burned, and unaffected by high temperature climates, but vulnerable to injury from freezing and hindered by cold climates. They are one of the older and more major races of elves, and one of the few with surviving members in the present day. Bethmoora is a well-known and longstanding House within Elven culture, whether you’re a High/Sun Elf or not. It was also a well-respected House, but news of Nuada’s break from the family and self-imposed exile put a tarnish on his reputation, and partly on Balor’s as well.

I keep pretty much everything from the movie as canon, I just add in a lot more to fill in the blanks, so if you’ve seen the movie, you’ve already got a good jump on Nuada’s story. Anything in his past that needs explaining or that comes up in threads, I will try to give enough context to understand it.

As far as the story of the movie if you haven’t seen it, Nuada is angry at humans for destroying the earth and causing the dwindling and extinction of numerous races and species, most notably his own. Non-human races have been relegated to the dark corners and underbellies of the Earth, being forced to live in fear and confinement out of sight and with the safety of their own kind. Instead of living in vast forests, Nuada’s people live underneath human cities, among brick walls, dark sewers, and metal pipes instead of trees, lakes, and mountains. They’re dying off, giving into what they feel is their time to “fade,” but Nuada, as one of the last real warriors of his race, refuses to fade, refuses to abandon the earth to human destruction, and refuses to accept that the future has a strictly human face.

His cause and his arguments are just and sound, but from there, he embarks on a cruel and misguided campaign to eradicate all humans from the planet using a weapon called the Golden Army. It is an army of magical, indestructible clockwork soldiers of goblin make that can almost instantly repair and rebuild themselves the moment they are damaged or destroyed. They are deadly, possessing immense strength and sharp blades. Whoever has the gold crown that conveys ownership of the Army controls their agenda. Nuada sets out to obtain that crown, which has been thirded to prevent anyone from taking control of the Army for the wrong reasons.

One piece says with Balor, one with Nuala, and one was given to the humans as a gesture of peace. Over time, humans forgot the treaty and the story, allowing their Elven friends to fall to ruin and treating their crown piece as a trivial piece of art. Nuada kills his father to obtain his piece, crashes an auction at which the humans’ piece was to be sold, and then goes after his sister for her piece. Nuala does everything she can to keep Nuada from getting the piece and reassembling the crown, but he does anyway, gaining control of the Army. Hellboy challenges him for control, being demon royalty himself, and Nuada has no choice but to accept. They duel, and as Nuada is about to win in a rather underhanded way, Nuala stabs herself, kill herself and her brother, since they are linked. Hellboy, now in control of the Army, ponders all the power it could afford him, but his girlfriend Liz melts it, destroying it forever.

I usually write Nuada before he thinks about gaining the other crown pieces, or I write him as not being able to find the human piece, kindof to stall the canon story in the movie so I can have more time and freedom with him in threads. I keep his basic agenda and opinions, but just pause the main story of the movie for threads to happen, heh. But I’m open to whatever people might like to explore at any point in his timeline.

Magical and Supernatural Abilities:

Fire resistance and heat tolerance (e.g. holding the glowing hot map case without burning his hand)

Empathic and somatic link to his sister since birth (they are mentally linked over long distances, and their bodies mirror wounds and ailments between them)

Potential for empathic link creation with others by touching with his hands (Nuala and Abe created a link between them by touching their hands together, so Nuada can do this as well with other empathic individuals if an emotional connection is there)

Supernatural empathic capabilities: gleaning information from individuals, creatures, surfaces, or objects by touching them with his hands (e.g. knowing who touched an object last, learning someone’s name by touching them, or seeing what recently happened in a room by touching the walls)

Magical energy infusion: granting qualities, characteristics, or abilities to weapons or individuals by infusing them with magical energy (e.g. his spear lengthening and retracting; flawlessly regenerating the spear head)

Magical compulsion: compelling individuals and creatures to do something by lacing his speech with magic (e.g. whispering “kill him” to the forest god)

Friends: These are characters that tend to make somewhat regular appearances in threads with Nuada, depending on the location and nature of the thread. (See below for details and lots of links to posts with headcanons! Just be advised that these are from Nuada’s now-inactive blog and many of these posts are very old. Some of the info and links contained within them may be outdated.)

MR. WINK (a rock troll, also known as a rock ogre to some): Nuada’s righthand man, no pun intended. XD Also his close and dear friend. He is strong, brave, loyal, and shares Nuada’s hatred of human beings.

Appreciation post

How Mr. Wink met Nuada and how they became so close

Mr. Wink & sweets

Mr. Wink & tea

Mr. Wink hates sneezing

How Nuada sees Mr. Wink

THE BARK CHILDREN (small earth fae): The little two-headed creatures seen scampering all over the Troll Market. They act as messengers as well as eyes and ears for Nuada throughout the Market. They are innocent, intelligent, timid, playful, helpful, and curious.

Appreciation post

How Nuada sees the bark children

Nuada musing on the bark children’s treatment of him

Headcanons based on canon, part 1

Headcanons based on canon, part 2

Bark children and naming/identity

Jix & the bark children

TOOTH FAIRIES (small sky fae): Tiny, cute, but ravenous little fairies with an appetite for biological calcium, e.g. the calcium found in bones and especially teeth. They are one of the most intelligent types of fairies, able to speak and learn. They are playful and mischievous, as well as frenetic and talkative.

Pictures of the fairies

Gifs of the fairies

Nuada befriending a poisoned fairy

“CATHEDRAL HEAD”, A.K.A. THE ARCHIVIST: A wise old cartographer and archivist who makes and stores maps, scrolls, formal documents, and important letters in his library/shop. He lives and works in the specific Troll Market that is located underneath the human city of New York City, under the borough of Manhattan. He is well respected and trusted by many.

Appreciation post

The most interesting thing about this fellow is that his race are typically colonized by very tiny beings who build on top of their heads! They build from biological material (bone, keratin, sebaceous material), so the cathedral on his head is actually made of living material, an extension of his head. Tiny members of this wee race live inside the cathedral, and if you look closely, you might see lights going on and off in windows, or even the tiny creatures walking around on ledges and walkways.

The tiny race that lives on the Archivist’s head are actually involved in a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship with him. They gain nutrients and building materials from his body as well as protection from the outside world, and he gains a very valuable protective covering over his brain. Otherwise, his kind are born with very soft heads and frequently suffer brain injuries without the benefit of the hard, keratin-based (the same material that fingernails or horns are made of) material shielding them.

When someone of his race is born, tiny colonists from the diminutive race are introduced onto the baby’s head. As the individual grows, the colonists build and multiply, protecting the baby’s brain from harm. When an individual dies, their colonists are transferred to infants, very often within their same family/bloodline.

The relationship between the wee race and the Archivist’s race is considered a very sacred trust, with each race benefitting and protecting the welfare of the other. The Archivist loves his head colonists dearly and takes very good care of them. His race considers it a solemn honor to be colonized.

Potential Starter Ideas:

Maybe not a starter, but if you want to ask Nuada about his family, friends, life, etc., I have spent an inordinate amount of time fleshing him out over the years. I’ve expanded his family, detailed a lot of inhabitants and aspects of the Troll Market underneath which he makes his living space, and have elaborated on things like his fears, triggers, likes, dislikes, customs, habits etc. He’s my oldest T.um.blr muse that I really took seriously, and back when I wrote him (2015 to 2019) I had a lot more free time than I do now, so I had the time to spend delving into the minutia of his life and world. Feel free to ask him (or me) about anything, as I would love to get back into this muse I put so much work into in the past.

The bark children see Nuada as a protector of them, of their community, and in general someone to go to when something is... going down. They will inform him of threats, curious things they find, things that scare them, and intruders. Very often bark children will show up in threads with Nuada because they are such a part of his life. This presents a number of starter opportunities... A pair of bark children could be captured and put in a pet store, and your muse can set them free and let them lead them to their home. Or, your muse could be wandering near to a Troll Market entrance and encounter a pair, and decide to follow them. In other words, bark children can either directly or indirectly lead your muse to Nuada for various reasons.

If your muse is non-human or would be able to access the Troll Market with magic and gain entrance, they could hear about Nuada from the bark children or the Archivist. Maybe they go looking for him for some reason?

He could be injured and need help. If you’ve written with me at all, you know how I love the classic “I could die if you don’t help me” starters for threads, heh. Being shot by police in the city is a very likely thing that might happen to him. Or whatever injury situation we could think of is also fine. Fair warning that he would be grumpy in this situation. Or... your muse could be injured and if they’re of a race Nuada would be sympathetic toward, or he’s just having a bout of rare empathy for a human. He would likely take your muse to his home beneath the Market to watch them. He can’t heal, so he’d have to treat the wound and then just... wait. Makes for interesting conversation, heh.

Fun facts & Colorful Information:

Nuada’s and Nuala’s facial scars were given to them as infants. They designate them as royalty. Nuada was actually going to receive them first, since he is the eldest, but then they manifested on Nuala’s face automatically as a result of their supernatural somatic link. That was how Balor and Elunae found out their twins were two halves of one soul, or one soul split into two bodies. Them being born with this rare condition was seen as a potential curse or blessing from the gods, yet to be determined.

The darker coloration around Nuada’s eyes and lips compared to Nuala and others of his kind is indicative of the corruption that has taken hold of him. He is literally being poisoned by the negative energy of the dark path he’s chosen to go down. Negative emotions, evil, cruelty, a lack of mercy, and lapses in moral judgement are slowly poisoning him, both mentally and physically. This corruption affects his physical health as well as his personality and decisions, and is very similar to that experienced by Wanda Maximoff (1, 2) in the MCU.

Nuada was very close with his mother. When he left in exile, he took with him his mother’s wedding necklace, once a gift from his father to his mother on their wedding night.

Three reasons why Nuada might be pushed to violence.

I once did a rudimentary analysis of Nuada’s living space underneath the Troll Market, looking at everything he keeps/stores there. You can find it here.

If you want to know what Nuada thinks about fictional depictions of elves by humans in popular media, or his opinion on wandering about on Halloween, you can read about those topics here.

On the subject of human items being sold in the Troll Market and the general diversity to be found there: 1, 2

Nuada and Mr. Wink looking at human billboards

Nuada and Mr. Wink taking in the sight of the elves’ “home”

Muse Playlist: These are songs that I have used and turned to countless times for writing inspiration, many of which I’ve been associating with Nuada for many years. Some of them are related to the movie in some way or have had music videos set to clips of it that I’ve linked to, but most are just songs with lyrics that fit his mindset, the mood, or various situations perfectly.

Hellboy II Trailer Song / Reminds me of a quote from Nuada: “Let this remind you why you once feared the dark.”: “Mein Herz Brennt” - Rammstein (it’s in German, so here are the translated lyrics)

Main Theme Song: “Mordred’s Lullaby” - Heather Dale

The Golden Army: “Invincible” - Two Steps From Hell

Determination: “I Will Not Bow” - Breaking Benjamin / H320 dubstep cover version

Ancient Battles: “Heart of Courage” - Two Steps From Hell

Exile / Savior Complex: “Torn” - Creed

Pride: "Live Free or Let Me Die” - Skillet

Arrogance: “Fireproof” - Pillar

Anger At His Father and Sister: “Numb” - Linkin Park

Relaxed: “Kindred” - Jillian Goldin

Thinking/Meditation: “Nothing Else Matters” - Metallica

Pensiveness: “Winternight” - Visions of Atlantis

Sadness / Brokenhearted: The Old Ways - Loreena McKennitt

The Old Religions: All Souls Night - Loreena McKennitt

Heritage: “Ancestors” - Albannach

Wildness: “Beat the Speed of Sound” - Emmelie de Forest

United/Determined Twins: “Awake and Alive” - Skillet

Divided/Adversarial Twins: What Have You Done? - Within Temptation

Breakdown/Downward Spiral: “Let Go” - Frou Frou (Imogen Heap)

Failure/Defeat: “Failure” - Breaking Benjamin

Final Battle: “Blow Me Away” - Breaking Benjamin

#muse: nuada bethmoora #hellboy ii rp

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queerfictionwriter · 2 years

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Regarding Drama

To anyone who saw this post here and is curious about what's going on: yeah, me too.

I had a falling out with former friends and fanfic co-collaborators Bunnywest and DiscontentedWinter. And I didn't say anything anywhere public about that, because personal relationships are, to me, personal business. I simply went on my way, and left them be.

And now, almost a year since I've spoken to either of them, they're making public callouts with baseless accusations about my supposed toxic behaviour. The trouble with this is that I haven't done anything to warrant that claim, but it’s impossible to prove a negative--I can't show you screenshots of all the times I didn't send anon hate or harass an author, the times I stayed out of fandom drama and toxicity, the times I chose to block or not engage. All I can do is invite anyone who cares to look to go through my Tumblr Archive, which is publicly available, and see the record of my behaviour for yourselves. To consider what interactions I have had with you, and the nature thereof. I’m far from perfect, but am equally a far cry from “toxic”.

I can speak on the subject of the collab pieces, which is: as a co-creator, I have equal share of the copyright and intellectual property we created. My co-creators made the choice to delete those pieces without speaking to me first, despite the fact that I was contactable; I didn't consent to having my work deleted. The AO3 notification of the deletion included the hmtl of the works, and between that and the independent copies I kept--which I do with all my written works, as keeping backups is wise in the digital age--I was able to re-post them. And, as any student can tell you: you must cite ideas and information that are not your own, because plagiarism extends to ideas, too, which is why I named my co-creators. However, I was responsible for a large degree of the conceptual development of those stories, even if they were written in my co-creators' words. That means it's not as simple as slicing up who-wrote-what to determine ownership. We all co-own all of it. So if they had the right to delete those works without asking me, I have the right to re-post them without their permission, especially given that AO3 is intended to be an archive--a forever home for fanworks despite situations such as these.

I can also speak, at least somewhat, to the accusation of dogpiling, because as DiscontentedWinter herself is so very fond of saying to fandom antis and purity police: words have meanings. In this instance, to dogpile means "an outpouring of like-minded criticisms or retorts in response to something". Bunnywest published a book, and negative reviews are part of making any form of commercial art; it is plainly ridiculous to accuse me of dogpiling when a) I have not contributed a review, either positive OR negative (my name on Amazon matches the name in the header of my blog, and I invite you to check); b) I have not asked anyone to review her book; c) the number of unfavourable reviews on the book are in the single-digits, and the overall rating is 4.5 out of 5 stars; d) one of the unfavourable reviews was deleted after I, and the person who left it, were confronted by a friend of Bunnywest and pressured to remove it.

Two reviews--one, now--is not an outpouring. I did not participate. I am being inappropriately held responsible for the actions and opinions of others, despite complying with the request to ask one of the reviewers--a friend of mine--to take the review down, and the review being deleted as desired. I have made no attempt to contact either of them, slander them, or otherwise harass them. I’ve left them be. So I don’t understand what’s going on over on their end, but I’ve been over here, minding my own business. I would appreciate being extended the same courtesy.

#fandom #fandom life #fandom wank #fandom drama #le disc horse #fanfic #my fanfic #copyright #intellectual property #AO3 #AO3 and the OTW are volunteers' labour of love to create a gift for all of us

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emeraldbabygirl · 2 years

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I very strongly believe, and I’m not one to state my opinions on the sexuality of idols out loud unless I’m close with someone and it happens to come up in conversation, but I’m convinced that yoojung and kb are actually in a relationship and have been. Like, I’ve made jokes about their matching fits and them laying together and being all cute and shit and the whole “taebin flesh flap supremacy” but idk they have a strong chemistry just from what I’ve seen of them together that I’d be extremely baffled if they were not an item or even gay.

Maybe it’s just me wanting them to be together cause I like the thought of it and they are so cute together anyway even if they are just friends. I just idk I like the idea that they are just together and it’s kinda a secret but since they do the gay representation in all their stuffs that people just assume it’s fitting and they don’t question it idk. Anyway this is the only time I’ll ever say anything like this cause I don’t like to say “oh this idol is this and this one is def this” cause I don’t care and it’s not my business anyway, and I’m def not going to go on twitter or insta and say this cause for one thing I hate twitter so much and another thing is I don’t feel good about saying anything about an idol that might cause an argument or they might see it or it might just cause problems, esp on twitter because the piranhas on that site will take anything you say and turn it around and shit all over you I’ve seen it happen and experienced it myself. I hate twitter. Fuck twitter. I only have it to follow idols and a few friends but it’s so toxic, so many people are just straight up asswipes.

I’ve seen people go on places like twitter and tiktok where the idols have accounts and can check tags and look at stuff if they want and then like push their views and opinions on to idols and constantly bring up stuff and talk about stuff about an idol and like we don’t know them, we don’t know if something they see might make them uncomfortable we shouldn’t say stuff that can cause problems. In general like I don’t say stuff about idols, like I have this blog and I say whatever I want about an idol whether it’s negative or positive or sexual or whatever and they will never see it cause it stays on my blog. I don’t say anything to idols or about idols on insta or twitter if it’s going to cause a problem or they might see it and get upset. Ok I did one thing once, I haven’t done it since, as I joke (which you have to be careful when trying to joke with idols and people in general) anyway I said “please choke me” or something along those lines on a pic of st.van. That’s all I’ve said to an idol like that, I mostly just uwu and give idols compliments and sometimes they like them <3 but I’ve seen people like tag the idol or stuff and just kinda bug them or like spam comments on their lives and stuff idk anyway, and there’s people that are like, like on tiktok I’ve seen some people be like “don’t assume an idols sexuality” and then they say “but these idols are all gay” like bro. Bro what? Like you can assume all you want about an idol but don’t like rub it in their faces and like harass them just cause you assume they are or aren’t a certain way. And why should you care anyway? It’s their life and you’re not even like, we’re strangers and what they do or who they do is none of our business.

It derailed a bit but yeah I’m only saying this cause idk I..idk anyway as long as my shit talks and things stay on my blog and I’m not taking to social media and saying things that could snowball into something I’m okay. I just wanted to say that I really think KB and Yoojung would be so cute and I was joking about them getting married but if they did I think they would be together forever and yeah anyway. I might delete this later. Also also I’m not the best at putting my thoughts into words and I don’t think this post will upset anyone but if it does it’s not intentional and I’m sorry. I really just wanted to vomit about how cute kb and yoojung are and how I’m jealous of them and want what they have even if it’s just platonic, and I ended up..ranting.

Tl;dr: I think kb and yoojung are bofies and I didn’t want to say this on twitter cause I don’t want someone to carve it in stone and then harass me for my opinions or try to tell them specifically that they have to be gay cause another person said so or whatever. I’m just entertaining the thought purely for myself. AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION PLEASE DONT EAT MY ASS. IM NOT EVEN GOING TO FIGHT ANYONE ON THIS LIKE I DONT KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ITS JUST A SILLY OPINION. I don’t care if they’re gay I don’t care if they’re straight, I don’t care if they were purple leprechauns that lived in my butt, it don’t matter to me at all I just think they are cute is all. I really don’t care, if they’re happy they are happy it’s not my business and I’m not going to bang pots and pans together demanding that they be a certain way. Ok I’m done I’m sorry.

#also i will not me tagging them cause i don’t want to #but I will tag my fav tag of theirs <3 #taebin supremacy #taebin flesh flap supremacy #teehee kyu and yoo LoL #rant #personal #blah blah blah #onlyoneof

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ask-botwot · 2 years

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Hello everybody!

I don’t know if anyone who follows this blog is still active, or even remembers that this blog exists (fair, seeing how long ago I posted here) but I wanted to make a final post here.

A final post because I want to officially say that I am never coming back to this fic, and BOTWOT will not be updated.

I left the Sanders Sides fandom in early 2021, with a final fic that was my longest one shot ever written, which got much less response than my usual fics. This is not why I left the fandom, I was already losing interest and growing frustrated with Thomas Sanders, and was just pushing through to finish that fanfic. In fact, I’m sure half the reason that that fic got so little traction was because the fandom as a whole was declining.

At the time, as you can see from previous posts on this blog, I wanted to finish “Best of Todays/Worst of Tomorrows”. I don’t like leaving projects unfinished. And I had/still have a fully written outline for how I expected every part of this series to unfold until the very end.

But I needed time away from the fandom. It was toxic. Toxic positivity. Toxic tone policing. Issues with paying artists what they were worse, and declining content both in terms of frequency and quality from Thomas himself.

I half expected for my interest in Sanders Sides to be rekindled. When the next video came out, I may gain new interest and write the rest of this series as quickly as I had the first parts.

But as everyone who is still in this fandom knows, there has not been an episode since I left nearly 2 years ago. There hasn’t been an episode in going on 3 years. And I’m never going to be interested in Sanders Sides like I was again.

I really did like the series. I really did love the characters. And for a time I really loved the fandom. In 2018-2019 this fandom was and still is the most responsive, and open fandom I’ve ever been a part of. I don’t think I’ll ever see a fandom that was that uplifting of fan content again. I don’t think the Sanders Sides fandom is even still like that now.

I’m not over tagging this post, because I don’t want anyone who doesn’t care for this particular fic, if anyone still does, to worry about this post. I just thought it was important to update anyone who still might care. Because I do value you and I thank you for all the love this fic got. This is still the only fic I’ve ever written that garnered fanart. I don’t want to be like certain other creators that leave people hanging. I’m sorry that I have for this long.

I will try to post my outlines to ao3 in one final part of BOTWOT sometime this week, to give anyone subscribed to the fic there some closure. I will be deleting this blog around that time too.

Thank you for liking my writing 💜

-Lora/romantichopelessly

#BOTWOT

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crossovereddie · 2 years

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Having criticisms for the show is valid and healthy, but SO many people only have criticisms. And a lot of the time its not even a criticism its just "I got myself so worked up about something I was sure to happen and it didn't so I'm angry and everyone needs to know". And then these people go to peoples anon and hound them with how shit the show is and its like? Of course its okay if you don't like aspects of the show, but if you don't have anything vaguely positive to say don't harass people about it! The people who relentlessly talk bad about the show without ever saying anything positive are just as bad as the ones who claim its perfect. But mainly I think this weird conflict that has somehow arisen would be solved if people just kept their opinions to their own blogs and posts and didn't harass people who are enjoying it/hating it and vice versa.

I watch the show and follow fandom to share in the joy the show gives me but increasingly its impossible to find people who actually enjoy it (tumblr is about the only place there are some people still liking the show, tiktok, twitter anywhere else are all constantly complaining) so I feel like these toxicity positive people are trying not to drown in it but have gone a bit too far in the opposite direction.

I agree people need to stay in their lanes but what y’all don’t seem to get is that means the positive people too

I CONSTANTLY see posts shared about how people who have complaints should stop watching but as soon as negative posts are shared it’s ‘you’re making this a toxic environment!!’

It’s always let’s call them stupid and put them down which people seem to not see is what’s actually causing the toxicity bc those are the posts that get notes

I’ve made plenty of posts about different things that weren’t negative and no one bats an eye but ofc once I post things I didn’t like or the criticism I have that’s what riles people up (like I’ve said though the difference is I delete and move on. Others don’t)

It goes both ways and that has always been the point I’ve tried to make across

and like I’ll always say if someone is genuinely bothering you so much just block and move on

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thedavinoparadox · 10 months

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🕊 Getting My Life Back // The Beginning of My Journey in Recovery 🦅

Sophia, December 1st, 2023

"He who is brave is free." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I have been contemplating how to start this for ages now and I’ve come to the realization that it’s simply the illness trying to sink its claws into my skin to drag me back down again. But I will not let this happen. My best bet is to simply… begin. Because otherwise, nothing will ever change.

Today, the 1st of December 2023, marks the day I’m going “All In” with my Anorexia-Recovery. I have gone “Cold Turkey” if you will, deleted the apps from my phone and made the conscious effort to not add up every single number in my head. In the upcoming month I will slowly but surely start to challenge unhealthy behaviors and reflect on my emotions. I’m grateful for the help of my support team but it’s ultimately up to me to take back my life and make little Soph proud.

To make a long story short, I have been struggling with this very unwelcome guest for what is now adding up to almost two years and lately I have felt my perspective shift on the many many things it has actually taken away from me in this very toxic relationship, in which it pretended to be my very best friend.

My freedom, my hair, my health, my passion, my concentration and the sparkle in my eyes.

I have finally reached the conclusion that it’s not normal to be in pain all of the time, to live life in this sort of dreamlike state and that if I do not actively stray from this path I’m currently on it will lead me to the edge of a very dark cliff. And with the rate that it’s been going for the past months… sooner, rather than later.

So I decided to let go. To let go of all the pain, the rules and the false sense of control it gave me. I’m willing to fight to break through these chains. Say goodbye to the numbers, the pictures, the anxious glances at the clock, the fear and be free. I’m not willing to waste any more of my youth, energy and life on something that will only give me pain in return.

This Christmas is truly going to be magical. For little 8-year old me, who loved chocolate cake and strawberries and who would never understand the pain she’d be seeing in my eyes when confronted with these things today.

I will use this blog to hold myself accountable for the goals I set myself and to talk about my experiences in recovery. I wish for this to be a safe space filled to the brim with positivity and love!

#recovery #mental health #love #support #warrior #survivor #coziness #cozy #self love #positivity

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gracie-rosee · 6 months

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i don’t follow many SJM accounts anymore (back when TOG was still being released like toward the end of the series i got death threats for saying i ship Rowan and Aelin and even called toxic for liking Manon lol, i wish i was kidding but no, it was because “she doesn’t have feeling and kills people” and since then i’ve had several accounts deleted from just hate spam and reporting) and to say i’m shocked the fandom is the way it is now would be an outright lie, umm, anyway, i’m just so happy to have an unbiased/respectful calm blog like yours, you’re one of three accounts in total i follow anymore i just wanted to share some love and say i really appreciate you and your blog ❤️❤️❤️

I’m happy to have you here! I do remember there being a really weird part of the fandom during the peak tog days that was just so overwhelmingly negative and hateful. Just a small portion who antagonized a lot of people. It was bizarre. But people will use any excuse to let out their hatred, and seeing people outright enjoy something really gets them going. When you’ve been in a fandom long enough, you start to recognize those types of people and learn to stay away.

Every once in a while I would stumble upon a “ghost blog” of a friend I had during that time that has since left this platform. I often wonder how they’re doing. I hope they’ve forgotten how mean this place was to them, because they didn’t deserve it and neither do you. I’m so very glad you’re still here with me. I will try my best to keep my blog a happy and positive place for you to hang out!

If you ever want to get to know some other kind people who have made my tumblr experience one worth keeping, let me know. I have a little treasure chest of the nicest mutuals I’ve had for a while that I hoard to myself LOL.

I appreciate you! 🩷🩷🩷

#Gracie answers #ask

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facelesschameleon · 4 years

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Ahem, umm, anyone else?

Does anyone else not vibe with the “enlightenment”, “I am light”, “I’m an angel”, “ego death” type of mindset?

Idk, I’m over this type of thinking. Only because I like exploring it all, and understanding it is the same, yet different…yet the same. Ya know?

Understanding the duality 🌗.

I am not light. I am not dark.

I am both. I…we are more than this.

I’m existing here, & I’m existing in other dimensions.

#I’ve been deleting toxic positivity blogs #y’all do too much #let’s take the mask off

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sohoharlem · 3 years

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Join me a week from today!

This break is something I do every once in a while, a norm for me as someone who is aware of the toxicity of too much social media, and the reason is not subject to anything specific. This is an encouragement post for those who want to join, but also for those who have never considered doing this or feel it might be not for them. Reconsider it, if possible. My 2021-2022 social medial break will take place on the dates below. Anyone who wants to take one with me, feel free to participate. Posting this a week early to give those of you time to prepare and also maybe consider if it’s something you feel you should do. For anyone who’s never done it before, I recommend you to at least try it once to see how it feels. I’ve done a cleanse similar to this before in the past, except that it lasted 6 months instead of just 36 days. For first timers: It will be hard at first, but it is possible to do, and it will leave you feeling amazing. I promise you. You could become happier, healthier, and more productive. You might also find yourself becoming less emotionally driven in your fandom which will benefit you greatly in the long run.

Social Media break duration: Dec 13th - Jan 17th DUE TO POSITIVE PERSONAL RESULTS FROM MY BREAK WHICH I’VE DECIDED I’D LIKE TO MAINTAIN FOR A WHILE LONGER, THE BREAK HAS TEMPORARILY BEEN EXTENDED TO FEBRUARY.

Below I’ve included, for those of you who would like to participate, what exactly I’ll be doing for the next few weeks. I’ve also included some great YouTube videos and book recommendations on why sometimes a break or detox like this is important.

What my break will consist of:

• Logging out of Tumblr and not logging in for 36 days.

• Turning off notifications for a majority of my social apps, especially Instagram.

• I will only be going on Instagram twice a day for 1 minute each time for the first two weeks, then I will try to cut it out entirely. I will then delete the app and not go on until the 17th.

• I will not look at phone during work hours unless work or emergency related. I will keep it on a table or a distance away from me.

• If I feel like reading on my phone, I will read anything aside from fanfiction.

• I can use my phone for music.

• I will focus more on my mental, spiritual, and physical health. (Spiritual = Optional)

• I will try to lower my phone usage by 90%.

• Build a healthier daily routine that does not involve me holding onto my phone for/during social interaction or always looking down at my phone.

• Go to sleep every night at 9PM.

Tips for those of you who would like to participate with me but find that the above might be difficult for you:

If you have a hard time trying to stay off Tumblr, try taking control by minimizing your minutes you spend on it by day or amounts you open it per day until your usage gets lower and lower. You can also just log out of your account and visit your favorite blogs once or twice a day to see updates the first two weeks, but try to cut it down as much as you can. If you can cut it out entirely until the 17th, a win.

If you find trouble staying away from gossip sites or blogs because you feel the itch to know what is always happening, think about how it actually applies to your own life. Chances are, it doesn’t affect it. It’s also a cool tip to remind yourself that if you’re constantly looking to find out if something happened, chances are it’s not happening every two minutes. Try to check twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Chances are you did not miss much. Again, eventually try to cut it down so much you don’t look at all. It will be hard, but eventually will become easier. Think about things that actually apply to your life and think about how you could be using that time to do something for you.

• If you are having trouble staying off on Instagram and do not think you can cut it out entirely, try this: Turn off your notifications and try using it just 10 minutes a day. Then, 5 minutes a day. Cut it to twice a day, 2 minutes each. Try to then delete it entirely. It’s a common and normal occurrence for people who do this to find themselves deleting and reinstalling the app a few times a day. Eventually, you won’t find the need or itch to keep installing it anymore if this does happen to you. Try to not go on for at least the last two weeks of your break.

• Distract yourself from your phone by focusing on work, on errands (what you need to get done), your friends, and your family. Remember that texting and phone calls/FaceTime are allowed. You aren’t isolating yourself.

• If you find yourself needing something to do and you don’t remember what you did before social media during down time, try watching your favorite movies or tv shows. Binging is always a nice distraction. Don’t let your fingers itch for your phone. That’s what it wants.

• If you are having trouble setting up a healthy sleeping schedule because you can’t fall asleep, try leaving your phone on your nightstand or anywhere far from you before bed. Set up on your phone so that it changes from blue light to orange at a certain part of the day. Blue light affects your sleep cycle.

• (cont.) Try not to feed into things on your phone that might keep you up longer than you plan - book, YouTube videos, a news article, a late night text from your boyfriend, etc. Take appropriate melatonin gummies 30 minutes before, if you can, and are not allergic etc. Try not to look at your phone first thing in the morning when you wake up. Instead, make your bed, brush your teeth, and continue with your normal routine.

This is optional, but I found some great videos on YouTube for you guys to remind you while a social media break/detox might be something you might need. I’ve organized them by category. I would definitely recommend you giving them a watch if you are considering taking this break with me. They might even motivate you if you weren’t considering it.

Reminder on how Social Media affects us:

https://youtu.be/e2Tq2gvGt80

Things on Social Media are often fake and an illusion:

https://youtu.be/0EFHbruKEmw

Is Social Media taking control of your life?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GXdVPLj_pIk&feature=youtu.be

Results of taking a Social Media break/detox in your life:

https://youtu.be/yceVW-0uLsg

How to quit/distance from Social Media:

https://youtu.be/ACCtKj2uz1g

How quitting boosts our productivity in life (getting more done, using time more wisely, etc):

https://youtu.be/bV_NdUZEmnE

Fandom related - Dangers of Parasocial Relationships (Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars. - Google definition)

https://youtu.be/22yoaiLYb7M

https://youtu.be/Q4qBgi4l5Ss (this one is more of a podcast)

Is it too far?

https://youtu.be/LsD9NBVtdmU

Reminders that things on social media should not take a hold of you and take away your focus from what actually affects you and matters to you in your life

Practice self love

https://youtu.be/ZsTKyYOuK84

What is Anxiety and how to stop it

https://youtu.be/wvsAaZwzr6

How to stop overthinking/anxiety

https://youtu.be/Gz29PF-3SAA

Good books/audiobooks for feeling better about yourself and also more on anxiety and how to stop overthinking (two of my faves that I’ve read or listened to):

Hardcore self help: F- - -k anxiety by Robert Duff

Bitch don’t kill my vibe by Reese Owen

Something that I truly recommend everyone to watch is The Social Dilemma on Netflix.

Good alternatives for fanficiton instead of Tumblr/AO3/FF.net:

https://www.goodreads.com

https://likewise.com/books

I can’t wait to take this much needed break and I’m looking forward to some of you taking it with me!

My inbox will remain OPEN during that time.

- SH

#social media #Social media detox #self love #self care #fandom #fandoms

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jess-the-vampire · 3 years

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honestly i’m not even sure i should be talking about it, i guess i just feel better to mention it then bottle it up to people who might be wondering

personal stuff under the cut

i’ve had some people recently try to send me moringmark comics, or link me to posts that he’s made and so on and so forth and it’s cool and i appreciate it cause i love when people send me to new works and stuff.....i just wish i was able to really respond to them like i can with others.

mark blocked me guys, at least here on tumblr (Everywhere else i’m fine for some reason), i can’t view any posts of his and haven’t for awhile.

While we were friends a few years ago, but things have changed since i was helping him with his star vs comics.

back a few years ago when mark’s tumblr got randomly deleted, i was trying to contact him to make sure he was ok and nothing happened and all that and....ever since then he’s never spoken to me.

He kinda...ghosted me, and he has since then.

this was our last exchange:

I never got a reason why, one day we were talking fine and the next he was well....not speaking to me. I didn’t want to spam him so i would try again every few days, then weeks, then months....just with conversation starters....nothing accusatory, i just wanted to check up on him and everything.

I tried contacting him on other Sms and everything but i never got a response, and for awhile i thought maybe he was busy and i was kinda sorta bothering him so i gave him space and tried again months later.....and yeah, he never said anything.

i tried sending him apologies if i said something wrong, i tried asking if he wanted to talk and see what was happening, i was willing to accept if maybe i had said something hurtful and he no longer wanted to be in contact with me.

Because maybe i did at one point and if i did i wanted to own up to it to him because i liked being his friend and wanted to keep being his friend.

but as far as i can tell we had nothing but polite conversation with each other.

And after awhile it started to feel, at least to me, like he was purposefully shoving me to the side and ignoring me. First he stopped following me, then he had a whole comic about the art programs he was using which felt awkward to me because i was actually the person who introduced him to medibang

not that i needed to be credited for it, obviously, i guess it just felt weird at the time when he mentioned how much he loved it and then just never mentioned i had been the one to introduce him to it. It only came off as weird as it did because i was being ghosted, i probably wouldn't have cared at all if we had been still in contact.

it kinda makes looking at any comics i ever do get to see of his surreal, because i think to an extent “i helped make this.”

I guess it hurts more now looking back, because now i just kinda feel.....used.

Because i never was told why i was being ghosted i’ve been just kinda left to speculate what i did, and sometimes when you’re left thinking like that your mind makes you wonder if he was never my friend in the first place.

or if i felt differently about the friendship then he did.

i helped with ideas for his star vs comics for awhile, got him into a new art program, then all of a sudden he just.....pretended i didn’t exist....it’s...y’know, sad and makes you think.

And it’s upsetting too because i had a very positive experience working with mark briefly, talking about the show and ideas for projects, when this happened i was heartbroken.

Also he never really finished that specific comic so i don’t know if i should be credited for the help exactly, i don’t know if he ever got to most of my ideas.

at most i helped him find artists and their ocs for him to draw and that was the biggest contribution i had that i can at least recall.

Point being tho, it felt hurtful to me, because of course it feels hurtful to feel like you made a friend and helped them and then they pretend you never existed.

But even after this had been happening for a few years i still was giving him the benefit of the doubt because i still wanted to think i was misinterpreting the situation and maybe i still am....

but when i found out he blocked me now as well, i gotta admit, i lost faith on that.....

i only mention all of this at all, because i used to say i really respected mark like a lot, as a creator in the star vs fandom, and that’s still not entirely gone either....but i have to admit....i’ve soured on him....a lot since this happened.

i don’t want anyone going after him or anything (Though i doubt he’d listen to it anyway he’s got so much on his blog it’d drown in the notes, but still, don’t), i just wanted to address why you’ve never seen his content on my blog despite us being friends awhile ago, why i barely talk about him, why i may sometimes get uncomfortable when he’s brought up.

it’s been pretty upsetting tbh, because friends turning on me is something i’m uncomfortably used to happening and it gives me serious anxiety about me being a bad friend or hurting ppl because i’ve had so much bad experience with friendships with rather toxic ppl.

honestly if mark showed up today in my dms and said something to me and why he did all this i’d probably forgive him if he had a reason and i was just being silly or something. But because of how limited the information is for me, i’m sadly left to think of the worst and there’s not much here making it any better.

he’s a very creative guy and he does deserve his following.

but as is, i just wanted to address that our relationship as friends has changed a lot since i talked about it last and why things may seem off these days so people can get a better grasp on what happened.

i feel it’s better i address it then not address it.

the guy doesn’t owe me anything, i just felt personally betrayed as a friend that i at least wasn’t given an explanation for him cutting our relationship how he did.

it is how it is tho, he may never contact me again, especially now that i know he blocked me, and it does make me sad tbh. I did like being his friend and i wish we were still friends, but this seems to be out of my control, he pushed me away and blocked me for whatever reason and i’ve just had to deal with it.

i’ve been trying to move on from it, i have not attempted to contact him in over a year at this point, but it’s hard to avoid thinking of it when he’s as popular as he is.

but i hope this helps give you all an understanding on things and why we don’t seem to be as close as we used to.

#jess's random posts #jess rambles

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