#I’m too tired to be allowed to post rn

[ethereal-maia]

im like if a girl saw the Barbie movie yesterday and started hyperventilating and sobbing and laughing all at once (silently) as soon as the credits started playing and didn’t stop crying for 6 minutes afterwards

[cookinguptales]

So… last week I made a vent post about an accessibility issue I’d had with some podcasters. I really only meant for the post to be read by my followers (who to my knowledge aren’t familiar with the podcast in question) which is why I put minimal tags on it and didn’t name the show.

But… the post got legs that I wasn’t expecting, and eventually a lot of people asked for the name of the show. I hadn’t intended on creating a whole big thing, so I was kind of reluctant, but I did see the logic in what they were saying — as a disabled woman myself, I would also want to know if I were supporting podcasters whose values did not align with mine. So I told people quietly in the notes that the show had been Old Gods of Appalachia.

Things… did not stay quiet.

Frankly speaking, one of the reasons why I don’t write as many posts about disability and ableism these days is because I got tired of people writing to me and telling me that people like me should be dead. So you can imagine what kind of fucking week I’ve been having since all that blew up. It’s been a very high symptom week, too, so I’m just. Very tired and stressed rn.

Personally, I’d be happy to never talk about it again and try to get back to my everyday life, but I did think it was important to note that the creators of OGOA must have gotten wind of the post, and they did contact me.

I won’t post the whole email here, but it was a good response. Since seeing my post, they’d tried getting in contact with the venue and realized very quickly why I’d been so frustrated. They ended up needing to go through their booking agent to get any kind of answers — so like, to the people who sent me a thousand messages telling me I was an entitled idiot who just needed to contact the venue, please know that none of you were remotely helpful.

Again, I’m not going to post the entire email, but I did think it was important to be fair and use the same platform that I used to vent to tell people that they seem committed to doing better in the future. They told me that they would be making sure that they have all this information going forward and that they would no longer allow it to be such a barrier to entry for disabled fans.

They invited me back to the show and… god, I’ll admit it. I really had to think about my answer. Not to sound ungrateful, but after the week I’ve had, even thinking about the podcast, the podcasters, and that damn live show has me stressed af. I had to really consider whether I even wanted to go.

But in the months since I first contacted them, they added a show that’s a lot closer to where I live, so rather than a weekend trip, I could just take a single bus. And it’s near one of my favorite Japanese restaurants in the city, so if all else fails, I can at least have some good katsudon. So I will be going to the Philadelphia show.

(Though for fellow disabled fans, Terakawa Ramen is not wheelchair accessible. 🙃 Most days I can do the two steps into the restaurant, but not always. Philly, I love and loathe you.)

Anyway, I wanted to reply to them before I made a post here, but… yeah. We’ve worked things out, I think. Only the future can tell what they'll do going forward but they do seem committed to doing better.

To me, there are always two goals when I write about disability and ableism. The first is that disabled people will feel seen. That is always, always my primary goal. It’s so easy for us to feel invisible and unimportant, and I always want to make you all feel seen, just like I want to feel seen. The second is that able-bodied folks will listen and learn and do their best to support their disabled peers in the future.

So… I think that my post managed to fulfill both of those goals. A lot of disabled people have reblogged that post and have talked about their own experiences, and a lot of them have explicitly said how much that post makes them feel seen. And the podcasters in question seem to have really reflected on their actions and seem to want to do better going forward.

So as incredibly fucking stressed out as I’ve been, I guess I can’t regret making the post. It’s always good to know that your words can have impact. The post has long since moved out of my friends circle so I assume it’ll just keep circulating and I’ll keep getting shitty anons and chat messages, but I’m just gonna focus on what good has come from it. I’m hopeful that my post will make life tangibly better for at least a few disabled people, and I’m encouraged by the fact that podcasters who I’d formerly liked do actually seem to want to do the work needed to improve.

And uh I’m not answering any more messages from people who just wanna swear at me. I’m tired. Leave me alone.

[salvatwh0re]

Hii Nina! First of all, I'd like to thank you for being so extremely kind, that's so nice of you, so thankyou sm.

So, what do you think was the last push for you which made you enter the void? Any tips for me? And how do you recommend waking up in the void aware, since I'm too tired of having to stay still for over 2 hours and still happening nothing.

Of course, sweetheart!

For me I think the “final push” was realizing the simplicity of the void state. After i stopped over complicating and and just meditated, set my intention, affirmed and let it happen it happened. I know it sounds simple, but once I did that and allowed myself to accept that fact that it can and will come easy and that i don’t have to do all these extravagant and specific things to tap in, my mindset and perception of the void state changed.

Before I changed my mindset, i truly believed I didn’t deserve to tap into the void state and that i had to work to tap into it and that it wouldn’t come easy for me because growing up i was taught that i had to work hard for anything that i wanted. But then i realized just how simple and “accessible” the void state is and that it’s a part of ME and that I control it and that i’ve tapped into the void every single day of my life and i just wasn’t aware of it. I’ll make a longer and more detailed post on that later cause i’m on a bit of time crunch rn, but I hope this short explanation helped!

[xemmez]

are you exhausted of trying to find a good systems-focused discord server and ONLY finding discourse pits? are you tired of joining system servers that are either WAY too negative or ONLY positive no negative allowed? do you feel like it’s difficult to find system spaces where you fit in due to your own unique complex relationship being a system? ME TOO‼️ and so do most of the systems i’ve spoken with over the years.

so, i finally cracked and made BRAINLOOP which is a cozy little discord server where all types of systems can discuss their own unique experiences, get advice from others, and post both their possible failures and accomplishments throughout their life. it’s difficult living as a collective of people, so it’s nice to find that support with likeminded individuals.

we have channels for everything you could think of AND also system discussion chats, no unnecessary discourse allowed. your identity is not an arguing point here — so PLEASE no syscourse individuals allowed, i’m begging. let us just talk about systemhood and Exist.

https://discord.com/invite/N9CZa2H7

(tumblr links aren’t working rn so you’ll have to copy and paste the link above)

[girlreblogger]

also to add to my previous post, when i say blk yn go through crazy situations im exaggerating but i mean (“cause me personally!!!!!!!!!!!”) allowing the character to be treated in certain manner and be put in “awkward” positions. i also want to say that the “situations” seem unfulfilling like i wanted to say in the first place.

because of the unsavory situations she is put in she legit has to have characteristics that are straight up unnecessary if the wellbeing of her character was prevalent. and i have to say that because of blk yn stories that it applies to. (and no ian talking abt how ppl be complaining abt yn being “ghetto” 😒)

drama, comfort, or for fun, is cool and dandy but it’s the same type of thing and i’m not tryna come for the plug stories like don’t nbgaf like omg i’m so tired of hearing bout them freaking stories.

to the ppl who still decide to ignore how damaging fr CERTAIN! blk yn fics y’all remind me of the ppl who support tyler perry movies simply because it’s for entertainment and “he’s telling a story” (that not everyone has)

yep. those things are true but an impact worse than good is being produced. like bffr.

and i feel conflicted by even saying that because some ppl obviously genuinely relate or find comfort in those stories but at what cost. like is comfort worth change and progression?

me rn:

some ppl just really don’t gaf and don’t care to want better. please don’t let the ppl who don’t gaf sway you. for the ppl who do, reblog nice fics or write. blow them up so other blk girls can find them. we deserve it.

there are so many blk fics where yn is not going through those things and if there is “drama” is solved or there’s a healthy resolve. (there’s so many blk writers who need to be publishing books fuck tumblr or ao3 and tryna get reblogs. with all that talent girl MAKE SOME MONEYYYY! YALL STUFF BE GOOD.)

i’m dead serious. why haven’t you thought abt it.

but yeah. it is what it is we have to put more work in to change as people in general. but i really just want my ppl to grow. ppl find comfort in fics for a reason. i really think a good balance of what everyone is looking for and needs should be found. i know ppl gonna feel like ppl telling them what to do but they prolly the ones who don’t want the change for wtv.. reason… ahem..

ppl feeling hit by what i said:

there’s obviously a problem and as a ppl! why can’t we just fix it. like at least try.

side note:

there’s so many ways to get drama. also the smut after arguing piss me off this is off topic cause it applies to a lot of ppl who make fics but like damn. y’all ain’t gon talk it out. and it be the most weird arguments and stuff and you wanna squeeze lemons after that???

idk that annoys me like everyyyy time? and i think smut after arguments can be well written but ….

anyways the blk ff community to damn big for us to be sitting here starving acting like we don’t have food in the refrigerator to make something.

get it together yall. youn want what’s in the refrigerator go get your keys and buy something.

i’m tired of this shit that’s why so many blk writers stop writing or ppl stop reading because it’s too much going on all for some damn fake characters we wanna imagine ourselves with.

and i know for some ppl it’s abt the followers and all that which i mean to each is own i mean

sigh i was tryna be proper and cordial but i really want better for us but it’s so many ppl who go too far or do too little. and some are so sheep that they go with someone else’s opinion too. you know you tired of all the toxic fics say sumn. you know you tired of ppl constantly bringing up yn being ghetto for no reason (that shit piss me off so bad i can’t. they be so close but so farr) say sumn.

me after thinking someone finna bring up how unnecessary struggle love/toxic/extra smutty blk fics are but they end up just complaining abt yn using aave:

anyways i’m ranting. i wanted to say what i felt.

muah

[petersbaby]

HAHAH I wrote this really quickly like less than an hour but I’m posting it anyways because….

Fuck it - stepbro!steve x reader

(See what I did there)

Warnings: stepcest, smut, reader losing her virginity with brief mentions of pain, steve is kind of an asshole and a lil mean but she doesn’t mind

A/N: okay I’m about to get to it jeez, but listen. I’m on a steve binge rn and thought, as one would, why not stepbro!steve? Like literally why not? this won’t be the best, I don’t have much experience writing for steve but I do have a lot of experience writing for stepbrothers >:) but regardless, I’m honestly not super happy or confident with this, but I tried my best lol there was an attempt. I’m overthinking this shit WAY too hard so I’m just gonna press post now. If u like it u like it if u don’t u don’t

-

“Can we do that thing again?” You ask quietly after knocking on Steve’s door and stepping inside the room slightly. It was around midnight and you couldn’t sleep.

“Huh… what thing?”

“You know the thing we do, where it’s like we fuck but with clothes on…”

“Jesus fucking christ shut the door, you can’t just say that out loud.” He whispers angrily at you.

“Sorry.” You apologize, coming in all the way, shutting and locking the door behind you.

“God damn it, you’re gonna get me in so much trouble one of these days.” He shakes his head.

You stand there for a moment, looking down at and playing with your hands and waiting for the answer still.

“Come on.” He sighs and beckons you to come closer.

Your gaze lifts and you smile, shuffling over to him on the bed where he laid flat and sitting on top of him. Immediately getting to work, you rock your hips a little, bearing down on him slightly and he gets hard incredibly fast. He looks up at you through glassy, tired eyes with wonder and desire.

This was something you did, ever since you moved in, because there was sexual tension between you two but you couldn’t really do more than this. It felt right, like just enough but not too much. So why change it? That’s what you’d thought, anyways. Tonight, you did want to change it.

“Hmm” you start to moan quietly to yourself as you hump him like an animal, trying to get off by rubbing against him through the barriers of your clothes. Hard, but not impossible, as you’ve proved many, many times.

He wore nothing but blue plaid boxers, as he was just going to sleep, and you wore thin pajama shorts and lacy panties beneath them. You wouldn’t normally sleep in such a tiny thong, no, you had it on just for him. He comes to rest his hands on your hips, starting to grip them, but you get up.

“Wait. One sec.”

“Wha-“

He watches as you stand and shimmy out of your shorts, spinning cutely for him to see you in your little panties. You wanted him to see you, drool over you. Think that you’re irresistible. He watches, entranced, for a second, but then snaps out of it.

“Stop right there. Those stay on, okay?” He warns you, making sure you weren’t about to totally strip down.

“I know the rules.” You roll your eyes and climb back into his lap, straddling it.

“And you know that this is wrong, right?” He reminds you, trying to keep the moral high ground, to be able to say he tried to stop it but knowing he didn’t really want to. Trying to keep his composure and not moan out loud when you grind down on him harder.

“Mhm. I know.” You respond, rocking back and forth, starting to pant. You found an angle where his cock rubbed right against your clit and used that to your advantage, hitting it again and again, getting faster. You weren’t listening to his lecture about how you were doing something bad, you’d heard it a million times. You were just chasing your release.

His head is pushed back into his pillows, eyes half-lidded, allowing you to use him. He secretly thought it was so cute when you knew what you wanted and became determined on getting it. When you got so horny you didn’t know what else to do besides come see him. This doesn’t last for much longer, though.

While you feel yourself getting closer and closer to cumming, riding him, grinding up and down on his erection, your pants turn into moans and get louder, high pitched and whiney. This is when he decides to flip you over, now on top of you and pressing a hand against your mouth.

“Shut the fuck up.” He hisses, and you just nod as if to say “okay.” He slowly removes his hand from your mouth and you opt to bite your lip to keep quiet.

He takes over, fucking against your soaking wet and throbbing core, clit still sensitive from where you came so close to climax just moments before he interrupted you, nudging it repeatedly. Your mouth falls open, you want to scream but you know you can’t. Your eyebrows furrowed together and you looked up at his face, into his eyes.

He averts his gaze, instead looking down at where the two of you rubbed up against each other desperately. He felt guilty. You try to ignore that, telling yourself he loves you anyways. The overwhelming sensation of your impending orgasm takes over all the space in your thoughts, and you want more this time.

“God, I’m gonna cum, but I don’t want to yet.” You whisper, after pulling him closer to your face.

“You can cum, just let go.”

“No, I don’t want permission. I want to cum around your cock. Fuck me, I need it. Need to know how it feels.”

He groans.

You’ve said some dirty things to him before, but that was a new one. You’ve always been okay with dry humping til now, and suddenly you wanted penetration and he could tell you were serious about it.

“We- ah- really fucking can’t. We shouldn’t.” He breathes out, suddenly finding his chest tight and lungs devoid of all air.

“You’re right, we shouldn’t.”

He falters, not expecting for you to agree with him and surprised that you changed your mind so quickly. But you hadn’t.

“Doesn’t that make you wanna do it even more?”

You reach down to wrap your hand around his cock, squeezing it gently but still firm enough to get him to gasp.

“Fuck, yeah. Yes.”

And so he crumbles, right before your eyes. He was all yours.

“Then c’mon, stevie, jus’ put it inside. It’ll be nice and warm and tight just for you. Promise.”

“Jesus Christ” he groans.

“Yeah?”

“Fuck it, yeah. I’ll deal with the consequences later.” He grumbles, pulling your soaked thong down your legs and freeing himself from his boxers.

“No consequences as long as nobody finds out. Our secret.” You assure him.

“Our secret. Yeah, I like that. Can you be quiet for me?”

“I’ll try.” You nod.

He presses the tip against your entrance and your mouth falls open again, silently moaning, preparing yourself for the stretch you know is coming.

“Please.”

This time, he looks into your eyes.

“Okay.” He swallows nervously, face full of determination but also anxiety.

Despite what he had just asked of you, rather hypocritically, he moans quite loudly when he sinks in.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you said it’d be tight but holy shit. You really weren’t lying.”

“It’s so big, feels so good.” You whine, leaving out the part where it also hurt pretty fucking bad. He was going in fast, faster than you were prepared for, but you couldn’t blame him. He thinks you’ve done this with other guys before, but you haven’t. You’d soon find, though, that that pain would subside and be replaced with pure pleasure before you knew it. The fullness you felt when it was all the way in was something you knew you’d find yourself craving forever.

“Yeah? Too big for this pretty pussy?”

“Just right. Perfect. Sooo good, stevie.”

The way in which you uttered these words, half-moaning and half speaking was sinful, filthy. He’d never heard anything like it before.

“Oh my god, holy shit.” He repeats a couple times, groaning at the feeling and picking up the pace with more desperation.

“Please, please, please. So good.” You chant, encouraging him. He keeps fucking into you, trying not to get too rough. Can’t hurt his little sister. It’s hard not to though, with the way you squeeze him so tight. In fact, he doesn’t know how much longer he can hold it together.

With each time he sinks into you, he comes closer to the edge. Faster and faster. The sensation is overwhelming, but you still crave more. You get the idea to reach between your bodies, taking your fingers and rubbing your clit in circles while he fucks you. This soon sends you beyond the point of no return, not really getting a chance to warn him.

He has barely enough time to put his hand over your mouth once more, knowing you’d probably cry out. You did, in fact, try to, and it was muffled by his hand. When you cum, it’s the hardest you’ve came in your life. It rocks your body and makes your vision go white, just seeing stars. You also clamped down on him, hard, in the process.

You didn’t mean to, but when you did, it milked him for everything he had. You felt every bit of it spill into you as he let his head drop down into your shoulder when he came. He spits out a long string of curses, including “fuck,” “Jesus fucking Christ,” and “holy shit.”

You just lay there trying to breathe, trying to come back down to earth and process what just happened. You should be scared, worried, that he just fucked an entire load into you, but you’re not. It feels good, you feel good. Satisfied in a way you’ve never been before. When he pulls out, he collapses beside you and you both sit in silence for a while. He finally breaks it once his breathing returns to normal.

“Never. Speaking. Of this. Okay? Never.”

“Okay. Never.” You nod.

You rub your legs together, squirming as you feel the cum running out of you and down onto the sheets below and he remembers.

“That uh… that was a mistake. That was an accident. Shit. I’ll get you the pill in the morning, okay?”

“Okay.” You repeat again.

“Are you alright?” He turns his head to face you, concerned at your neutral tone and lack of sarcasm. “Are you hurt?”

You smile. “No, stevie, I’m not hurt. Just happy.”

“That’s good. I don’t know if I am…” he trails off, worries flooding his mind once again.

“You are.” You assure him. “and I love you.”

He doesn’t respond right away.

“Stevie?” You ask, feeling tears threatening to start forming in your eyes.

“I love you too…. This is really, really fucked up.”

Your smile returns, giggling at his blunt statement. You didn’t have the heart to tell him you’d just given him your virginity. You don’t think he’d take that information very well, so you leave it be. You knew, and that’s all that mattered.

[bombshelllblonde]

in honor of my recent disney trip:

rdr2 walt disney world modern au headcanons

(this accidentally got posted to my lesbian sex account so if you saw that…no you didn’t 🤠🥸)

-dutch is mad that the trip got booked in the first place. he is not a large crowd disney guy. he’s a “i need to sit with my back against the wall and plan our escape route” man. he is very angry that weapons are not allowed. it’s too expensive and he’s mad that they used the camp funds to pay for it.

-hosea is the disney dad. backpack full of snacks, sunscreen, cooling rags, the handheld fans that spray water, the batteries to replace the old ones in the handheld fans. you need tylenol? he’s got it. you’re lost and need to find the way to tomorrowland? he’s got the disney magic experience app up and ready for you. he has the itinerary written out perfectly and everyone has a copy. he has all the routes mapped out and he bought one of those “disneys best kept secrets” books. he used dutch’s credit card

-charles only ever wants to be in animal kingdom. he has the best luck with all of the animals; his calm presence always brings out everyone from their hiding spots. he knows all the fun facts about the animals and all the little kids think he works there, so he answers everyone’s questions. some disney parents want to give him a cast member compliment/shout out on the app but he just shrugs and says he doesn’t work there

-arthur is the head counter. he didn’t really want to go because he thought it was silly, but he is the one who is watching out for everyone. he assigned everyone a number in his head and he’s making sure they are all accounted for. when jack gets tired he throws him up onto his shoulders, and always has a cold water bottle available for any of the girls when they get too hot or thirsty

-john is all for the lightening lanes and scouring the app for the best rides. he forgets to add other people until abigail reminds him, but basically he has been booking himself on the big rides like tron, rockin roller coaster, tower of terror, etc. when he mentioned that he got the rides, arthur asked how many people he got them for and john only said he got a lightening lane for himself. abigail took his phone and john wasn’t allowed to use the app anymore

-javier is enamored with the princesses. he sees them all and isn’t creepy about them, but he thinks they’re all beautiful. jack isn’t interested in meeting the princesses at all so javier just sees them from afar and waves. he did walk by jasmine and he spoke spanish to her and made her swoon a little.

-in all the parks they have cooling stations where it’s just a giant machine that blows out cold misty water to cool down children. bill commandeered it. cast members have kicked him out but he manages to sneak back after shift change

-sean has been making sure that he takes jack to meet all the characters. he says he really wanted jack to meet timone from lion king, but in all honestly he and kieran made a bet to see if sean talked enough smack if timone would punch him in the face or not

-trelawny cries every time at the happily ever after fireworks in magic kingdom. he gets so many emotions and feels overwhelming joy at even the small parades (no i’m not projecting my own feelings onto trelawny rn 🙃)

-gaston flirts with ms grimshaw and it actually makes her blush. dutch feels rage and jealously almost immediately

“oh dutch he’s just playing a character!”

“susan, i don’t like the way he is speaking to you!!”

[plutoons]

Can you do a tutorial on how your art process is done I’m about to quit on Art everything I make fucking sucks .

hey anon !! My art process is almost non existent cause i haven’t been able to stick to One definitive way and i don’t want to cause i think its limiting. I still have a long way to go for improving my skills and learning new things and figuring out different styles !!

Heres a quickk drawing showing what my “main” process is

This is something i generally have stuck to for most of my posted drawings (i can post things specific to some drawings on a separate reblog ^^ im just to lazy to get pictures of em for examples rn)

Doodle !! I cant visualize shit, and usually have a very vague idea of what id like to draw Or just nothing at all. So I doodle messily with expressive gestures till’ i find something that sticks

choose one final concept/sketch and clean it up a lil so i have a way better idea of what im getting myself into

Base colors cause i hate doing lineart. So i just go straight into colors casue its fun and i like fun!! Right on top or on a diff layer it doesnt matter. I color pick with my eyes and put base colors or anything i think it would be cool. No pressure and it can messy cause I’ll clean it up and figure shit out later

fuck around and find out (rendering ig)—> i cant explain it super well or definitively. I just layer and throw colors on top till im satisfied or Done with it. I flip my canvas a bunch or check my values to make sure the results come out to look more coherent regardless of the mess of color

Im just a simple person and cant handle something that requires too many steps or things that havta be done Just right so this works for me atm. This may not be your jam but finding a process in that works for you through trial an error is just a part of art. Do what works for you!! I think experimenting is so important even if it sucks in the end

(more Words / “advice ?” under cut)

I have so many shitty drawings and sketches and even colored things that outweigh the tiny bits of art i decide to show off

I totally get that creating art can get really discouraging at times; not getting the results you want when you want them no matter how much effort you put in just sucks, but it won’t always be that way :] even if it takes you 10 years to find your groove and see improvement or 2 years, it’ll happen. I find that i’ve only improved when i actively didn’t give a fuck about how my art looks and only cared that i was having fun through it all, and thats hard cause perfectionism is a bitch and its hard to get rid of. You could improve with studies and daily practice for sure but moving towards improvement can be as fun and light n breezy as you want to make it, like taking a break to explore different hobbies or changing up mediums or fucking around and experimenting with it can help !!! Allow ur art to be bad; cause fuck it, at least you made something and thats really really cool. Once you cut urself some slack it’ll be easier to improve upon your skillset and slowly but surely get to where you want

Sorry im a bit tired idk if this is coherent so heres a more direct thing i’d like to say:

Maybe ur art isn’t where you want it to be rn and ik it can kill ur motivation to keep going at it (i’ve experienced this feeling a lot and im sure so have many others). But you gotta ease up on urself and stop worrying about results so you can allow yourself to experiment and have fun!! And its hard getting into that mindset but you gotta keep trying and you’ll find it getting easier

[infinite-orangepeel]

a list of friendly reminders for all my fellow fic writers (bc i’m struggling rn and need to hear these myself):

it’s okay to take a break/let yourself rest. you don’t need an excuse ! if you’re tired, lay down. you can always write more when you have more energy (hot tip: you will likely cry less tears of frustration too if you follow this step).

it’s okay to not spend every single waking moment of your free time writing (especially if you’re exhausted, sick, or having a bad day). you are still purposeful, productive, and cool regardless.

it’s okay to abandon wips if they no longer bring you joy or you just aren’t feeling them anymore ! and no one is allowed to bully you about it. this is your creative time—spend it writing something you actually enjoy. write for YOU !

it’s okay to go on hiatus. you can always come back once inspiration hits again or you can disappear forever ! it’s up to you completely.

it’s okay to post new chapters/update wips sporadically. forcing yourself to stick to a strict schedule is the direct result of late stage capitalism ! post daily or weekly or monthly or yearly or once in your life—whatever is best for you, go for it ! (remember: no one is paying you for this).

it’s okay to write short or long chapters or anything in between ! this isn’t a high school essay. there’s no required word count, so write as much or as little as you want.

it’s okay to write for fun. it’s okay to write with no idea where your story is going. it’s okay to write without a plan.

it’s okay to not have a beta reader ! if you like it, post it. your own opinion of your work is enough.

it’s okay to project onto your characters. it’s okay to kin them and relate to them and self-insert. it’s okay to lean on your own experiences to fill in their backstories.

it’s okay to use song lyrics as titles !! coming up with an original title is hard and song lyrics are fun (plus you’ll often find someone who recognizes/likes that song too and mentions it in the comments).

i hope this helps someone ! i hope it encourages you to keep writing bc it makes you happy ! i hope you know that your writing/creativity is worth much more than any amount of kudos, comments, bookmarks, or hits <3

[materialgworlas]

Hey Siri how long has it been Sense

Materialgworlas posted

Siri: playing material girls by saucy Santana on Apple Music

Me:pauses music

You get what I’m try to say tho bestie YOU HAVENT GAVE US ANY SAUCE WERES THE SAUCE Please hook a sister up post POST PLEASE

Visitors From The Future- Satoru Gojo x Fem!reader

Synopsis: M kinda loving the whole Y/n gojo roommate canon so imam stick w it for now. SO imagine like u n gojo be arguing again, over sumn domestic like the nasty mf leavin skid marks or smthg😭 AND THENNN yall interrupted by sm1 at the door and its future nanami n yo future kids w gojo (Cuz of some mission into da future that takes place in da past… uh… YK WHAT FUCK THE LOGISTICS MAN JUST ALLOW IT). And gojo be smug as hell cuz he already got a lil crush on u so knowing yall get busy in da future is a major confidence boost.

GOJO AF

And like u in denial cuz u been resisting the urge to jump in this blind mice ahh mf’s bones for AGES

YO MANS😫😫

 anddddd u kinda feeling geto rn but yo kids r cute so u aint really complaining. And it’s just future nanami tired as hell cuz yo kids got gojo’s energeticness and ur stubbornness so they can’t be reasoned w😍

pov its bedtime🥰

JORDANA BBG HERE U GOOOOO😁 IM EXPECTING MY COMMISION IN DMS👹👹(yk what im talkin ab)

warning: uh da n-word? sm foul language, the readers black, gojo be simpin then foul at the end, poor suguru just wanted nyash, nanami deserves better than designated nanny AHAH GET IT NANANNY-MI REHEHEHE IM SO FUNNY-

☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

“I SWEAR TO GOD IMMA MURDER THIS FOOL!”

“Eughhhhh it’s not even that bad-“

“WDYM NOT THAT BAD MAN U SHAT UP THE WHOLE KITCHEN!!”

“Mf actin like its on the walls”

“…”

“What-“

“WHO THE FUCKKKK DO U THINK CLEANS THE DAMN APARTMENT GOJO!”

“Gojo?? I thought we were at that ‘Satoru’ level-“

“NIGGA STFU! Yo crusty ahh been fucking up my damn kitchen for WAY too long! Clean yo shit mf, last I checked slavery was over!”

“This is why we should get a maid.”

“WITH WHAT FUNDS!??!?! WE BROKE STUDENTS!”

“phhfft speak for yourself, im loaded.”

“Correction, was loaded. Until yo parents got tired of funding ur dookie lifestyle n cut you off.”

“…”

“reheh, gotcha nigga.”

“Ughhhhh I hate this.”

“Oh and u think I like wasting my breath?? Mf just clean the damn mess you made so ion have to yell.”

 “yeah, u only be yelling for Suguru these days...”

“NIGGA WHAT??”

“…” “U WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE U POMPOUS  CANT DO SHIT LIMP DICCK BEADY EYED FREAKK WITH YO WHITE HAIR GOT U LOOKING LIKE AN OLD ASS  EGG HEADED SLENDER MAN! CLEAN YO MAN MESS OR FUCKING LEAVE!” you practically roared, heavily breathing whilst a shocked Gojo stared at your angered form

Great, now you’ve done it

“yk what fuck this shit, I’m heading out.” you huffed before storming off to your room to get changed

You always take things too far, don’t you satoru. And the worst part is I only made that mess cause I was tryna make that weird dish Y/n loves, but I fucked it up n got embarrassed. God I gotta let go of this petty crush, I mean- shes literally hooking up with my best friend, by definition that should make Y/n off limits. But I just… She just so smart n funny n GAHD DAYM THAT ASS PHATT- but all I manage to do is piss her off. EUGH curse these damn feelings! Maybe ill call hoe#2 later to de-stress, she doesn’t mind when I say the wrong name at least-

“You gon get the door or not!?”

Your yell from the other room had broken through Gojo’s thoughts, now aware of the ringing the 6’3 man lumbered to the door

“Oh yeh nanamin-“

“DADDY!”

Gojo’s greeting had been cut off by the shrill of the two young children that clung to Nanami’s frame, eagerly reaching out to touch him. “May we come inside.” The weary blond spoke, waiting patiently for his ‘friend’ to move aside allowing him to enter, the two infants in tow.

“who was at the door-“you padded into the living room, dressed much nicer than before, stopping short seeing your best friend, Nanami, and the two children in his arms. “Mini, who’s black babies are these” you chortled

“MAMA!” The children wailed, squirming hard enough to break free from Nanami’s hold and rush to you.

“The fu-“

“Y/N! no cussing in front of the kids!” Gojo hissed, you rolled your eyes but relented. Turing your attention to the children clinging to your legs

“these babies kidna cute.” You muttered

“I KNOW RIGHT!!” Gojo cooed, tickling the younger girl who let out a happy squeal

“I should hope you find your own children cute.” Nanami said, in his matter of fact tone, as if he aint dropped a phatt ass spoiler in yo lives.

“My own children- huh?”

“Yes, myself, Kasumi and Saku are from the future. They are your children.” Mf dropping bomb after bomb without a second thought THAT’S how tired he is.

OUR WHAT? KIDS? U MEAN I- SHITTT, I have so many questions! When do we get together? Are we still together?? Do we get married?? Wait he said from the future- just how far into the future we talking??? How long I gotta wait to dick Y/n down n make my Gojo army... Saku’s got Y/ns smile and Kasumi got her… well everything. Damn I really lucked out-

So many thoughts in Gojo’s head. Yet all he could muster was,

“Huh… come to think of it you do look a lil older to how I remember.” Trying to keep his composure whilst he did internal backflips

Our kids? You mean me and this dusty- who am I kidding GORGEOUS idiot fuck?? AND I POP OUT TWO OF HIS EGG HEADED BABIES?? I mean, when?? Where?? why?? I mean sure the niggas fine but uh me n Geto kinda… well its complicated. But DAMN if these babies aren’t the cutest lil shit I ever seen. Saku’s got Gojos big ahh blue bug eyes but he makes em work w his brown skin n adorable lil afro… he can’t be more than 6 I’d say. AND OH MY LIFE KASUMI IS ADORABLE EHEHEH, she gets her cuteness from her mama let’s not lie but her beautiful curled her got white locks that fit her so well. Ehehe yk what, I’m not mad.

“Mama, no angy?” Kasumi babbled

“Huh- why would I be angry??”

“C-cause we twied to make (insert favourite food🥰) n-nd made biggggggggggg mess.” Saku said, peering at you with those beautiful blue eyes.

“Dadda’s dia!” Kasumi pointed to Gojo who picked up the happy girl

“Dadda’s what?” he hummed

“SUMI’S RIGHT W-WE ONLY DID IT CAUSE-BECAUSE DADDY SAID YOU’D LIKE IT!”

Gojo rn:🧍🏾‍♀️

“You were tryna make (favourite food)? N made a big mess…” now u aint the brightess when it comes to this shit but even you could connect the dots.

Now the famous Satoru Gojo, strongest sorcerer, was shying away from the knowing look you gave him. his cheeks dusted with an embarrassing amount of pink as he used Kasumi’s chubby body to shield himself.

YOU AF

Your cute lil moment was cut short by Nanami’s haggard snores, the poor man was sprawled on your couch. If it weren’t for his aggressive ass noises, you’d think the mf was dead😭

“Um- er, well they can’t exactly leave until Nanami’s awake…” Gojo started

“True, and it’d be cruel to wake him… he looks so tired.”

“…I guess we’ll have to look after the kids until he wakes up🥳🥳🥳. Oh well, HEY- who wants to teleport to Uncle Suguru n tell him the good news!!”

“Gojo you’re foul-“

“MEEEE!” Saku and Kasumi yelled in unison

“ALRIGHT LETS GO!😁”

GETO WHILE GOJO BE PARADING HIS HAPPY LIL FAMILY ON HIS LAWN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ik its been a hot minute yall but dw ur warrior @jordanahart been on my ass everyday to post dis 😔✊🏾 1 man army fr

[likesunsetorange]

How are things going with the bodyguard au I’m really excited to see what you make with that. Not to rush you I just wanted see when we can expect it to be uploaded :)

i was hoping last week but i’ve just had a lot going on in my personal life unfortunate these last two weeks 😞 but im working on it rn! this and the cabin au bc i wanna post it for eren’s bday today/tomorrow lol!

but here’s a little snippet from the bodyguard au since i’ve been taking a while longer wkskddk (it’s not edited so don’t come for me if there’s typos!!!!)

The screaming match began as soon as Mikasa closed the door to her apartment. She wasn’t even sure who was the first to say something, her temper not allowing her to think clearly. But despite her clouded judgment, she was sure of one thing—she had never felt so strongly against someone as she did towards Eren.

It was funny, honestly. Despite her initial reactions towards him, she couldn’t even say that she hated him at first. Was she pissed? Yes. But enough to hate him? No. He was simply a part of the bigger issue: her parents’ innate desire to control every aspect of her life.

Part of her felt like this was simply a ploy to put an end to her attempts to sabotage their proposed setup with Porco. Her parents had never been privy to her antics before, so it was only a matter of time before they caught onto what she was trying to do. She was sure there was some level of sincerity behind their desires to ensure her safety, but Mikasa was many things, and naïve wasn’t one of them. Hiring someone to “watch over her” served the additional purpose of ensuring she was doing exactly what was expected of her and not stepping out of line.

But she wasn’t all that surprised—it had always been this way.

Mikasa’s parents always had their hand in every facet of her life, and maybe it was childish, petty even, for her to go as far as she did out of spite, but it was the only option she felt like she had. Mikasa held onto every ounce of independence she had for dear life, knowing that it could be taken at any minute; she had long since learned that anything she cherished might not last forever.

She had fought tooth and nail to convince her parents even to allow her to move out; they felt as if she was “too young to be on her own,” “it wouldn’t be safe,” and “she had all the time in the world to grow up.” But all Mikasa heard were false pretenses—they didn’t want her to be outside their reach.

To Mikasa, she couldn’t see why her parents were so hellbent on controlling her, she did everything that was asked of her—she went to the prestigious university just as they’d wanted, graduating with honors, and even graduated early; she showed up to every charity event and every gala, doing her best to make good on the Ackerman name; she was pursuing a career she didn’t even like, interning and studying during her gap years, all on the basis of making them happy; and she never complained, not once.

Her whole life had been comprised of decisions and actions to please everyone around her, to do as they wished. But who cared what she wanted? If she was happy? She was tired of trying to keep up appearances, tired of doing everything that made her parents happy, and tired of having little to no agency in her life. It was only a matter of time until she hit her breaking point, and the engagement had been her last straw.

[adelle-ein]

i’m exhausted. i’m stuck between “friends” who don’t care about jews and a family who doesn’t care about palestinians. finding people willing to be humane, to be antizionist without being antisemitic, to disavow hamas without being islamophobic, to not blow dogwhistles, to speak up against all killing of civilians and call out retribution as disproportionate, to not recirculate lies about how everything was all made up…feels impossible rn. i’m reading so many explicit details and seeing explicit photos of horrific things that have been done and are being done in palestine and israel and watching monsters pick those details apart, gleefully pointing to every fleck of blood, every little “win” for their “side”, heedless of who has to watch, of the corpses they are trampling.

an otherwise perfectly normal post about supporting palestine will have a cruel little aside about “beheaded babies” (grotesque rallying cry in either direction and it’s so constant, just hundreds of people using dead jewish children as either “Why We Should Kill All The Muslims” or “Proof The (((Jews))) Lie About Everything.”) an otherwise perfectly normal post about jewish suffering and loss will have a little note about why radical zionism is the only answer (“who cares if people have to die for it?” the chorus echoes, like human life is acceptable collateral?) both outright mock the fear, trauma and despair that jewish and palestinian people suffer worldwide, wrapping everything up in scare quotes and baby talk and memes and buzzwords in that classic online irony way. i think it’s that mockery i might find most abhorrent of all, because it makes it so clear that this has all, always, only been a game.

and because i am jewish, if i speak up about any of these things, i will be deemed a traitor, to one cause or another. i am always the backstabber, always the liar, always the infiltrator, always the filthy k*** who needs to go back to (israel/long island, pick your side!)

i am tired of being the Good reform, antizionist, diaspora, sephardic, leftist jew. i may still be all these things. but i’m tired of being the cudgel used to hit the Bad jews with. i may not like what the Bad jews say, but i still don’t want to be a weapon. but i will not change my morals to placate anyone. i believe in a free palestine, and i believe in a world without antisemitism. that combination may not be allowed anymore, as i have learned there are few allies in agreement, but i will continue to strive for it anyway.

it is not wholly "the left" that is antisemitic and it is not wholly "the right" that is islamophobic and anti-palestinian. and vice versa. the horror is coming from all directions. and yes, many on the left have been kind, but the sheer amount of horror is drowning out the kindness, and even most of that "kindness" comes coached in hatred for the Other Side (whichever it is for that particular person.) to most, it seems all collateral damage is acceptable, so long as the Other Side is dying too. it’s all a game, a sporting match, between two groups they do not see as human, and all they want is as much blood as possible.

most of my friends are antisemitic. i didn’t know, or refused to know, before this week. it’s painful to find out that they only care about dogwhistles and conspiracy theories when it's elon musk and his ilk spreading them (and even then, only enough to briefly wag their fingers.) i know this post will most likely not make a single one of them stop and consider anything they have said, because the only ones willing to listen are the ones who don't need to hear it.

i have no solutions. i’ve never felt more alone in my life.

[destinyc1020]

Confession for Sunday:

Not to be negative, but I can't stand some solo Tom fans on this website and on Twitter being so negative. Twitter, I've not gonna comment on because it's so deranged, so I've left it, but solo Tom blogs on here are so damn negative. I can understand their frustration being a fan of someone whose career it seems to always be tested by the critics and online public perception, but acting like his is in a bigger disadvantage than most actors, especially dei when his biggest roles are in Marvel, Uncharted and Cherry is crazy I'm sorry. My irritation is becaue I can tell one blog is run by a black woman its giving CC vibes no shade, and it's embarassing and sad to get angry or annoyed if he posts his Z on his ig account as opposed to his work. His play is in a few days, trust me he's more than fine!!!!

Like, he's been doing this for years,sorry. He was posting her even when they were just "mates," lol. Or get angry when fans of both post about him getting jacked and calling it "icky." When has it been icky to thirst over beefy Tom??? Do you understand this behaviour isn't exclusively to Tom. All yt celebs men get thirst after on even if they are very slim or super thick I'm sorry. Gatekeeping a public figure is crazy I'm sorry.

Like I understand being a Tom stan ain't for the weaK. Like, we've been through it, lol. The future castings he passed on, the wish for more career opportunities, stans of yt male celebs picking on him, especially ones who have been Z's costars, reading puff pieces against him in service of other actors have been rough, but I recently read that Tom doesn't care about articles about him much on Doms patreon, so I stopped caring tbh. English celebs generally go by the never complain, never explain motto when it comes to the media. Harry Styles uses it, too. I only care about what he tells us, not the other way round.

Like you guys want him to be something that he's not, and it's so tiring going round in circles. It's a silly comparison, but Tom Cruise is a questionable person who I feel is private despite knowing a lot him. Most ppl who work 9 to 5 don't care to read blogs or information about him. They see him in a good movie, they watch and have fun and go home. That's it. Tom isn't Cruise, thank god, but he mentions Christian Bale and Cillian Murphy as actors whose careers he wants to have, which is to do the work and retreat to his personal life. A lot of young actors want to do that now cause as a society, we know too much of each other.

Him not posting R+J was a bummer, but strategically, it's very smart because in this digital age, ppl want everything immediately.

Mystery builds hype. 101 marketing.

Anyways, that's my two cents.

Whew, okay…. Obviously something is going on in the fandom rn which I am not privy to, because I’m currently at work lol, because you’re like the second Anon that I’ve had in my inbox complaining about this today.

Is this all because Tom posted Z on his Instagram?? Geez people (antis) smh lol…. Get a grip! 🙄 Deal with it! Tom has a right to post his gf to his Instagram if that’s what he wants to do.

First of all, Twitter can be such a cesspool. ☹ I highly recommend not even paying much attention to what’s being said on Twitter, or, at the very least, not taking it SERIOUSLY.

Second…. I will have to agree with you somewhat on the topic of how some fans in Tom’s fandom behave. I almost feel like fans in Tom’s fandom don’t just allow him to just be? It really is sad imo. I actually have a bit of a theory as to why this is the case. This is just my personal theory, so of course, take this with a huge grain of salt… But I kind of feel like the reason why Tom is held at such a high standard (in his OWN fandom) is because most of his fans only became his fans due to Spiderman/Marvel/MCU hype. My guess is that not a lot of current Tom stans today knew or paid much attention to him PRIOR to Spiderman. So, a lot of Hollanders (Tom stans) probably were used to Tom “winning” right from the beginning right out of the gate.

Whereas, some of the stans of other popular wm fandoms (i.e. JE, Timothee Chalamet, Zac Efron, Dylan O’Brien, Ryan Gosling, Austin Butler, Bill Skarsgard, even Mike Faist, etc.) were probably fans of these guys back when they were not as well known, or when their careers weren’t as “hot” as they are currently. So, their fans are used to them being in a “struggle” position and have been patient, understanding, and open to a wider variety of “wins” and even “fails” for their male faves. They love them regardless….no matter what is going on.

But with Tom, because he gained most of his fans probably more so due to Spiderman/Marvel/MCU, I feel like his fans are/were used to him being the hot new “It Guy” right off the bat, and his stardom went CRAZY overnight, so they haven’t been there in the trenches when Tom was just an “unknown” actor. They didn’t love him before he was super hot and everywhere like he is today. So I think they don’t allow him the grace and understanding that a lot of other fandoms usually give their own faves.

Don’t get me wrong, some other fandoms do clown their faves too ROTFL! 🤣(Make no mistake about that lol) But I think Tom is held to such a higher standard because he started off as the “It Guy” , and so now, when his fans see other actors getting some addicted, or maybe “taking his spot” (maybe in their minds?) they get upset/angry/jealous/negative etc.

Idk, that’s my theory?🤷🏾‍♀️

For me, I’m the type of fan that’s just like how you described most people are with actors such as say Tom Cruise. While I always wish the best for my actor faves, at the end of the day, I know it’s not MY life, and I just want them to be happy. I go see a Tom Cruise movie, and I’m good! 😃 I’m not worrying about his career in the meantime, or worried if he hasn’t made a film in 3 years or whatever lol. I just take things as they come!

I think part of the reason why Tom’s fandom is so hard on him is because they have these crazy expectations on him because they see it as some type of “competition”, instead of just letting Tom BE.

I think that if you’re a TRUE fan of someone, you love them when they’re “down” and when they’re up. Don’t be a “fair-weather” fan in other words. It’s okay for an actor to have a “Down” period. This industry is very transient and challenging. It’s okay for an actor to “take a break”. It’s okay for an actor to have some hits and even some misses in their career! That’s NORMAL! Fans are way too hard on Tom imo.

I already gave my theory as to why that might be the case, but if you all have any other ideas/theories, by all means, let me know!

Re: Your Last Part about R&J…

Tom has posted about R&J a couple of times, no?? I’m sure he will post even MORE as the play gets underway. I even expect him to MAYBE do a video collage at some point showing the process. That would be super cool. 😊

[the-winds-of-destiny-xxx]

Gonna start being a brave girl and logging what happened during my day (when I feel like it) as text posts rather than tags so here goes 😭.

Work

Work wasn’t too bad today. Only did a half day so it wasn’t nearly as tiring as the 12 hour shifts. Was assigned a 1.1 today which means I was in a patient’s room with them all day monitoring their pulse, tidal vols and oxygen levels and making two sets of notes. The more detailed set was taken every 30 mins and the less detailed set every hour. They are fairly easy to take care of. Unfortunately they’re mostly bed bound but they like music so I put on lots of songs for them throughout the day to keep them entertained. They usually wave their hands in the air and shake their head when they hear a song they enjoy which I find quite sweet. Also I make sure to keep their hair brushed and skin moisturised throughout the day.

Whenever I’m assigned to that patient my work crush tends to pass by their room a lot and then we’ll make awkward eye contact with the odd smile lmao. Sometimes light convo if he’s feeling brave that day 😭.

Uni

Still haven’t got a reply from my personal tutor regarding the exams I messed up. I’m hoping they don’t fuck up my ability to pass the course overall. Dad has said that I shouldn’t worry and that if I have to repeat the year he’ll pay my tuition but I don’t want to have to repeat the year. I just feel so shit because it was poor mental health that made me fuck those exams up. I was in a really bad place, doubting my capability and didn’t bother submitting an MCF because I thought my mental health wouldn’t be taken seriously as the people in charge of it seem reluctant to give out extensions, allow you to defer etc but we’ll see how it goes.

Kinda scared for this essay coming up but I’ve been working hard to make sure I do detailed analyses of the papers supporting my arguments so I’m hoping it goes well.

Mood

Feeling so weird rn. My mood is shifting from anxious and depressed to emptiness. I can be hard on myself sometimes but it’s because I’m constantly thinking about where I’m from (3rd world country where most are unable to continue their education past college due to finance issues) and where I want to be (neuropsychologist or something similar). Most people in that field don’t even look like me and the odds never feel like they’re in my favour so it stresses me out but I don’t want to give up.

I’ve also deleted hinge and bumble lmao. I always say it will be the last time but I think this time it actually is. I think if I meet someone it’s gonna have to be organically. Not gonna put any pressure on it. It will happen when it happens.

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Carpe Diem - Chapter 6

Pairing: Sketchbook (Kaisa/Johanna)

Summary: Carpe diem: one of the five latim mottos of the arcadist, or neoclassical movement. Literally translates to "seize the day"

Picking up where Locus Amoenus left off, this fic follows the lives of Kaisa and Johanna for a couple weeks as their feelings grow and develop. Updated weekly (hiatus is over!!)

Notes: I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to name a human “Alfur” 😭😭 so Alfred it is, I hope it’s not too weird

Exclusive real life picture of Kaisa and Victoria talking: https://itsinkwell.tumblr.com/post/691989113483788288/has-this-been-done-yet

Read it on ao3 or read the first installment on this verse or read the second installment on this verse  

Texting while walking was an art.

It was, unfortunately, not one that Kaisa mastered.

Can you meet me in the stems cafe?, she wrote as she made her way out of her lecture room, trying and failing to dodge the swarms of students still tired from the weekend while she did so.

Her phone beeped in a few short seconds, and still moving, she read the notification on her locked screen.

Vic Van Gay:“rn?”

“If you’re free, yeah.”

“k, meet me in 5” 

Kaisa put her phone away in her pocket again, making not the usual path she traced towards the front exit on Monday afternoons, but taking a turn at the corridor that would lead her down the stairs where she could head to the STEMs buildings. Before she got much further, the phone buzzed again.

Vic Van Gay: dont u want to go to your cafe though? im not too close to either so its all the same to me

Her reply was a brief ‘No.’, though she didn’t tell her the reasons. She wouldn’t need to, anyway, as soon as she filled Victoria in on what was going on she’d understand why Kaisa didn’t want to have that conversation somewhere she could find acquaintances at.

She climbed down the stairs, arriving at the ground floor where she was greeted by the sight of the humanities garden; it was just the sort of thing she didn’t need to have to deal with right now.

As if to add insult to injury, an all too familiar face was there, on one of the stone benches that surrounded the garden. Johanna was talking to someone else who Kaisa didn’t recognize, a man with tidy blond hair. Given that he had his back to her, Kaisa couldn’t make out any of his features, but even sitting down the guy looked so tiny she was willing to bet he was shorter than even her. Looking at him standing side by side with Johanna must be hilarious, she thought.

Even though her instinct told her to not be bold and avoid giving herself any chances to say something weird, or stupid, or even worse, <em>honest</em>, Kaisa couldn’t help trying to catch Johanna’s eye as she walked by and giving her a smile and a little wave of her hand that wasn’t holding her notebook. That turned out to be a mistake, because as soon as Johanna’s face turned from her companion to Kaisa, the polite and pensive expression on her face melted into a shining smile, and she gestured for her to come closer.

Kaisa had been helpless to do anything but, of course, and soon was being introduced to ‘Alfred’, who she learned was a friend of Johanna’s and an International Relationships major. When she tried to excuse herself as politely as she could, Johanna allowed her to go easily after a warm squeeze of her hand and a confirmation that they’d do their weekly meeting the following day.

As she walked away from that interaction, Kaisa felt the need to let her hair fall around her face to hide her glowing blush. This was ridiculous. She wasn’t a teenager anymore, but no part of her treacherous body seemed to be aware of that, least of all her heart. The more she interacted with Johanna, the further she felt herself fall.

Since they began talking more and Kaisa had started seeing her more like a person than another student she needed to outperform, paying attention to her had been a direct road to becoming fascinated with Johanna. Everything about her was a wonder, especially how out of so many people, she chose to be around her.

It wasn’t even only spending time with her. It had taken her a while to notice, but now that she did it was stark clear that Johanna wasn’t as bright with other people as she was with her. There was something melancholic just beneath her skin, something that she now knew the roots of, but still it never stopped Johanna from having fun and showing the people around her her love and appreciation. She wasn’t all bright smiles and cheerful comments all the time, even if she was still mostly so around Kaisa (or maybe that was just Kaisa’s rose-tinted, heart shaped glasses). Even if she couldn’t control being happy all the time, she could control whether to show affection and warmth to those around her however she could, so she always chose to.

Kaisa had thought Johanna was summer, when in fact, she was autumn. Her contact name on Kaisa’s cellphone still read ‘Golden’, but rather than feeling inaccurate or simplistic, it felt truer than ever now that she’d peeled more layers from the girl than she would ever have imagined she would. She wasn’t a golden retriever, but she was definitely golden. A golden sunset. The golden leaves on the trees. Golden honey on a sugary pastry. Golden flames on a fireplace. The golden, liquid warmth that took over Kaisa’s chest whenever she was near. 

Shit, she was really deep in this.

                                                    ……… 

When Victoria arrived at the cafeteria situated just outside the Physics and Mathematics building, Kaisa had already grabbed them a table, and was eating out of a bag of chips while she read over the notes she’d taken from her earlier lecture.

“You know you’ll probably get more nutrients if you throw all the chips in the bin and eat the package, right?” Was how she announced her arrival when she’d stopped right by Kaisa’s side and the girl still hadn’t acknowledged her presence.

“Bold of you to assume I’m making an effort to survive any longer.”

“Oh, same.” Victoria dug into the packet and grabbed a fistful of the snacks, then moving to sit down right in front of her. “So, what’s this surprise meeting about?”

No time for exchanging meaningless niceties between them. They were both terrible with small talk, so it was usually much easier to just cut to the point.

“Breathe a word of this to anyone and I’ll personally kill you, but…” If the ending of that sentence had been any different, Victoria would have protested about being pointlessly threatened when Kaisa had been the one to call her here in the first place, but she didn’t have the chance, because the next words she heard were enough to freeze her. “There's this girl. I think I like her.”

The professor could do nothing other than stare at her for a beat, only realising that she’d opened her mouth in surprise when Kaisa’s face started looking annoyed. It wasn’t that she hadn’t thought Kaisa was capable of it or anything, it was just that at their third year of friendship, Victoria had already lost hope that she would do age appropriate things, like acting like a stupid college student for once.

“Well, make a move!” She exclaimed, raising her hands in pleading once she processed this new development. “What are you waiting for?”

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” The paper package in which her straw had been was being ripped into constantly smaller pieces by Kaisa’s uneasy hands. “We have something nice between us. I don’t want to spoil it.”

Saying it was ‘nice’ was the understatement of the century. It was probably the best thing that Kaisa had ever had in her life that wasn’t her family. And even then, Johanna was each day closer to her mother and sister in the podium of her heart. It was weird, it hadn’t been long since they met but it already felt like she was family too.

“I mean,” Victoria said after chewing on a mouthful of her stolen chips. “If you’re respectful, and she really is your friend, admitting you have feelings for her won’t end the friendship if she doesn’t return your feelings.”

Kaisa wished it were an ‘if’ problem. Even if Johanna had been kind enough to befriend her and seemed to, for some reason, actually enjoy her company, there was no way in this world or in any other that she’d feel the same. Johanna was just on a whole other level, and even if she didn’t act like she was superior, certainly she had to be aware of it. After all that they had shared with each other, she didn’t have any doubts that Johanna would let her down slowly, and would be oh-so-kind about it if she ever were foolish enough to confess. But in the end, there was no way to know if she really wouldn’t make Johanna uncomfortable in the process, and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stand that. What if she decided she didn’t want a friendship where she had to constantly worry about the nature of the other person’s feelings? Kaisa could say all of this, but instead she chose to raise her eyebrows and use her bitchiest tone of voice.

“Is that why you’re still pining silently for Birgitta?”

Victoria gasped in indignation, bringing her palm (the one that wasn’t still holding chips) down on the table. “That’s totally different! We’re colleagues, it would be too awkward afterwards!”

“Yeah, right.” Rolling her eyes fondly, Kaisa thought about how it was just fair that Victoria would have to stand her lovestruck self now, after she’d had to read through so many self pitying texts about not being able to go after the woman Victoria liked. “Birgitta sounds like she’s too good for you, anyway.”

“Gosh, you’re such a jerk. I don’t even know why I try to help you. You’re lucky I don’t grade anything of yours.”

Making some strands of her hair stick out in odd angles after running a hand through it, Kaisa sighed.

“Am I, though? I’m having the most stressful time at a seminar. The one I met this girl in, actually. No matter what I do, the professor refuses to give me a full grade on my essays.” She saw Victoria give her an exasperated look, and added. “And I know it’s not one of those professors who never gives a ten, there are other students who are getting them.”

“Oh, really?” Even if she probably wouldn’t know any professor from outside of the STEMs division of the university, Victoria decided it was probably the polite thing to ask. Besides, gossip travelled far sometimes. Maybe the name would be related to some other, random piece of information she’d acquired by chance. “Who is that?”

“Professor Abigail Lyman, English department.”

Pensively, Victoria nodded. She knew fully well that Kaisa had no need for perfect scores on every subject all the time like the girl seemed to think, but something else had caught her attention. Just after she befriended Kaisa in her freshman year, she’d done her best to try and find the culprit for spreading those awful rumours about her, and had come up empty handed. But in her research about the board of evaluators who dealt with the matter of student scholarships, she was certain she’d come across that surname. This could be just a case of Kaisa stressing too much after a discipline that wasn’t supposed to be aced either way. But it could also be that she herself had unknowingly given Victoria a clue.

Either way, there was nothing she could do with that supposition right at that moment, so their conversation turned to other topics. It turned out neither of them did much outside of stressing about that university, so the dialogue was a constant positive feedback loop of hating academia and lesbian longing. The infallible sign of a worthwhile friendship.

Before long, they had to come to terms that they had more to do in their lives other than lounge around in the cafeteria eating questionable food. Victoria had to go back to her underfunded lab and Kaisa had a long walk home before she could revise her subjects and do other normal person things, like taking a bath and scrolling mindlessly through tumblr until she realised she’d have to stay up until midnight if she wanted to hit her daily study goals.

The girl scrunched her chips packet into a ball and threw it in the bin along with her cold hibiscus tea bottle, while her friend picked up the coffee stained cup that she ordered at one point and put it by the counter for one of the workers to take back to the kitchen.

As they were leaving, a melody Kaisa had come to recognize began playing on the speakers. She’d blocked out the music coming from them during their stay, choosing to ignore it, but this one was too familiar for it to not register on her mind. It was a melancholic, electronic melody, and the first words came shortly.

It only hurts this much right now

Was what I was thinking

The whole time…

It was all she could do to bite back a grunt while they were paying for what they had consumed. This was one of the songs in the considerably sized list of music she’d been listening to nonstop simply because Johanna liked them, and they reminded Kaisa of her. 

Well, not simply that. Since Saturday Labyrinth had been constantly on her headphones for the insufferable reason that it now struck too close to her heart. She left the cafeteria behind with wide and confident steps, but the song stayed with her no matter what she did to try and shake it off, taunting her and seemingly permeating the very air around her so that it was breathed into her lungs, and then found its way to her heart.

Uh oh, I’m falling in love

On no, I’m falling in love

Again…

[campymoon]

Extreme TW: self unaliving thoughts, depression, BPD, just scroll. It’s a vent post

If I can post on here about wanting to be raped and yall either like or scroll I should be able to post about this too.

I think I’m going to give it another week honestly.

I told myself if like didn’t get better by my 22nd bday I’d end it but now my 24th is like a month away and… yeah. I have an amazing and wonderful partner and I promised not to because I believe in the afterlife and want us to be together forever but I believe he deserves to spend eternity with someone normal. Someone easy to love and someone who’s as pure and perfect as he is.

My family is… dysfunctional and doesn’t care about all the things I’ve done for them, sacrificed for them nor do they even listen when I speak most times unless I yell.

Multiple friends have left me and I’ve been abandoned too many times. And I wouldn’t survive if my partner one day betrayed me or left me. Sorry I love him with everything but have also been waiting to be with fully since 2019…I feel like I have to beg just to discuss our future and when we do I feel like a fucking moron because he brings up a million different points that I “don’t consider”.

And I’m painting him really harshly I’m splitting on him rn (BPD) he’s very sweet and patient and loving but I’m so alone and tired of being alone and having to struggle alone while he just gets to do whatever he wants (overdramatized but it feels that way when I’m upset).

And I’m just so so SO TIRED of being told I have to push back my passions, happiness and goals just because that’s “how it is” and I need to “sacrifice” fucking everything that brings me joy or peace. When I was a child I was SA’d. I was like 5, then again at age 9 by my stepbrother till I was like 16 but my parents didn’t believe me and made me eat alone in my room for weeks. I wasn’t allowed to go to friends houses, parties or have a bf until I was 18, no job till 19 then coerced into the military into a career I hated to be bullied and abused more by strangers. Blah blah blah sad back story bs.

I could tell any person close to me in my life that I was actively being abused and all they’d do is say “aweee I’m sorry” (I’ve literally told the closest people i know that I’m being sexually harassed and they just give me a sad face. I’ve seen people buck up faster to STOP ME from retaliating to violence or aggression more than anyone has actually protected me from any abuser).

I tried sex work but uhhhh duh. I was an obvious flop (which isn’t like a “pity me” statement it’s just the truth).

And even though I loved it without making any real money from it and without the motivation I stopped.

I’m just tired. Tired of never being put absolutely number one by anyone. I wanna be loved like how I love. Unconditionally, irrationally and with compassion and empathy. I wanna have my tears move you like yours move mine. I wanna have my laughter bring out yours. I want it all. I crave it. This isn’t about just romance either I wanna form this is about all types of love. I wanna feel it like how I give it. And I NEVER FUCKING DO!

Then my issues get accidentally used against me. And it absolutely broke my heart. Imagine not going to your dream state for your dream school for someone and that someone says that you not having a figured out career or college degree causes hesitancy in moving in with/marrying you? Ofc I wanna fucking kill myself! I don’t wanna be here NOTHING I DO IS EVER ENOUGH NOR WILL IT EVER BE ENOUGH!!! I’ve been told so many times “You are enough. You deserve to be loved.” By the SAME PEOPLE WHO LEAVE ME! Who tell me I’m too much!!! Who say they can’t handle me!?

I’m told I can’t not speak when I’m angry. Then when I speak when I’m angry I’m “being rude”/“not thinking about my words”/“mean” but when I try to slowly think out my words and explain things EXACTLY as I mean them with indicators that I don’t mean offense nor that I’m angry with anyone IM STILL IN THE WRONG?!

I just wanted to be an artist in Colorado.

And now im just gonna be another dead loser nobody will remember in a few years.