#genuinely the only person i have been able to speak to honestly this week is my therapist

[adelle-ein]

i’m exhausted. i’m stuck between “friends” who don’t care about jews and a family who doesn’t care about palestinians. finding people willing to be humane, to be antizionist without being antisemitic, to disavow hamas without being islamophobic, to not blow dogwhistles, to speak up against all killing of civilians and call out retribution as disproportionate, to not recirculate lies about how everything was all made up…feels impossible rn. i’m reading so many explicit details and seeing explicit photos of horrific things that have been done and are being done in palestine and israel and watching monsters pick those details apart, gleefully pointing to every fleck of blood, every little “win” for their “side”, heedless of who has to watch, of the corpses they are trampling.

an otherwise perfectly normal post about supporting palestine will have a cruel little aside about “beheaded babies” (grotesque rallying cry in either direction and it’s so constant, just hundreds of people using dead jewish children as either “Why We Should Kill All The Muslims” or “Proof The (((Jews))) Lie About Everything.”) an otherwise perfectly normal post about jewish suffering and loss will have a little note about why radical zionism is the only answer (“who cares if people have to die for it?” the chorus echoes, like human life is acceptable collateral?) both outright mock the fear, trauma and despair that jewish and palestinian people suffer worldwide, wrapping everything up in scare quotes and baby talk and memes and buzzwords in that classic online irony way. i think it’s that mockery i might find most abhorrent of all, because it makes it so clear that this has all, always, only been a game.

and because i am jewish, if i speak up about any of these things, i will be deemed a traitor, to one cause or another. i am always the backstabber, always the liar, always the infiltrator, always the filthy k*** who needs to go back to (israel/long island, pick your side!)

i am tired of being the Good reform, antizionist, diaspora, sephardic, leftist jew. i may still be all these things. but i’m tired of being the cudgel used to hit the Bad jews with. i may not like what the Bad jews say, but i still don’t want to be a weapon. but i will not change my morals to placate anyone. i believe in a free palestine, and i believe in a world without antisemitism. that combination may not be allowed anymore, as i have learned there are few allies in agreement, but i will continue to strive for it anyway.

it is not wholly "the left" that is antisemitic and it is not wholly "the right" that is islamophobic and anti-palestinian. and vice versa. the horror is coming from all directions. and yes, many on the left have been kind, but the sheer amount of horror is drowning out the kindness, and even most of that "kindness" comes coached in hatred for the Other Side (whichever it is for that particular person.) to most, it seems all collateral damage is acceptable, so long as the Other Side is dying too. it’s all a game, a sporting match, between two groups they do not see as human, and all they want is as much blood as possible.

most of my friends are antisemitic. i didn’t know, or refused to know, before this week. it’s painful to find out that they only care about dogwhistles and conspiracy theories when it's elon musk and his ilk spreading them (and even then, only enough to briefly wag their fingers.) i know this post will most likely not make a single one of them stop and consider anything they have said, because the only ones willing to listen are the ones who don't need to hear it.

i have no solutions. i’ve never felt more alone in my life.

[keen-li]

Only one | 01

Warnings: toxic relationship trauma, trauma in general, mentally broken oc, manipulation, yendere jungkook. [Still more warnings to be added]

Psychiatrist jungkook x patient reader

.......

"I just wanna be good enough for someone you get" you play with the hem of your hospital gown.

"But no one is ever good to me" you take a deep breath feeling the tears coming but you hold them in.

"It's okay to cry, don't hide your emotions from me" your psychiatrist, Mr jeon, says having noticed you holding back. Once he says that your tears fall drop by drop until they're leaving your eyes like a waterfall. Mr jeon doesn't say anything, he just notes down what he observes.

"I know I'm good girl, don't you think I'm a good girl?" Good girl, a word You’ve been trying to stop referring to yourself as. Ever since your last relationship, which is one of the many reasons you're in this damn hospital, where your boyfriend would use it so often and even make you refer yourself as that, you haven't been able to let it go yet. Mr jeon hasn't addressed it yet but you're so sure he's noticed it by now.

He's silent to your question, "don't you think I'm a good girl" you ask so genuinely it's sad. Mr jeon simply smiles at you.

"I think you're a good person" he says no emotion behind it.

You scoff.

"I'm sorry, is there something else you would've liked me to say" he sits attentive and alert. His tone is gentle though the question feels sharp.

"I-i just..." You fail to speak and he gives you a reassuring look to help you speak.

"H-he always told me no-one will ever find me good enough apart from him" jungkook knows who the 'he' is, he's been a major topic of your sessions.

"Mmm" Mr jeon acknowledges as he takes note of something. Sometimes you spend your nights wondering what he's writing about you.

Could it be about how much he doesn't want to work with you anymore. Or maybe you're just insecure.

.....

"No please take me back" you flop around in the nurses hands.

"I'm okay, I promise." You don't sound okay and the nurses know better. It's one of those days where you have a mental breakdown. You don't see the damage you cause but others do and that's why they have to take you back to your room to cool down.

Mr jeon watches from afar as they take you away. You were having a session with him that's when you had your breakdown. You weren't even done with the session only in an hour out of the two hours you always have set. Mr jeon has seen your breakdowns before and even took notes of what you said while in that state.

Guess he has to see you next week.

......

You're sick of this place, its so plain and boring. You've been here for eight weeks and even though you feel you're getting better, the hospital thinks otherwise. Mr jeon hasn't given you anything on your progress, only praising you for your strength and openness. You want to know when you can leave this place. You wanna go back to your home, where your can rest peacefully with your dog and pet fish. Oh, you remembered your mother took your pets since you can't be there to take care of them. You just wanna be around them. And they've been on your mind lately.

"So how have you been?" He starts as he settles in his seat with just notepad, glasses glued to his face.

"I'm sorry I wasn't with you for the last two weeks" it's true, he's the only psychiatrist you trust and he hasn't been with you for two weeks. That caused you to have to speak to another psychiatrist, she honestly didn't understand you like Mr jeon does and that made it harder for you to express your true feelings.

"I had an emergency I had to attend to" Mr jeon doesn't talk about his personal life with you only focusing on yours. He doesn't need to tell you anything about his personal life and you don't need to know.

"I've been thinking about home more often lately." You say avoiding Mr jeon's eyes. He noticed you always did this when you expressed something to him that you weren't sure he'd be interested in. But he's always interested in what you say to him.

"Mm, what is it that you're missing at home?" he says in his ever present professional tone.

When he asks this question you remember the cute dog that's probably missing you right now, and the little fish you kept fed and clean in the tank, you hope whoever is looking after them is doing a good job cause if they aren't they're gonna feel it. Those animals have been the only source of comfort and joy in your life, until you were separated.

And now that he's asked that question and you realise the answer, the tears begin to form.

Mr jeon notices and smiles "its okay" his voice is so comforting that it aids your crying. Next second tears are flowing down your face as you try to control your sobs and breathing.

"I-i-i m-miss.." he can see you struggle with your words and reminds you of the breathing tactic he taught you.

You cool down a bit from the tactic, enough to say your words atleast.

"I miss my pets. My dog, my fish" you say and he can see how much they mean to you.

"Why do you miss them?" Seems like a bad question to ask someone in tears but because it's Mr jeon you don't mind.

"They were my only comfort, my only joy and my only hope" you sob as memories of them, especially your dog, make it to your brain.

He watches intently as you sob, he takes down some notes but you're too emotional to notice.

"I just wanna go home " you confess. "I'm tired of it here, I miss home" you sob intensely forgetting about the tactic.

"I'd honestly do anything to leave this place" Mr jeon stops at that.

"I just wanna leave this place" you confess all of this unconsciously. You feel so free around Mr jeon that you don't even think before you say anything.

"I just wanna go home" you whisper finally calming down.

You can see as you wipe your tears, Mr jeon places the note book down and even takes his glasses off. He only takes them off when he's leaving after his shift. He stands going to the door checking outside and locking it when he finally gets back.

You're confused about this new found behaviour, during your sessions he only focuses on you and never does anything else, especially not take off his glasses.

You're confused even more when he squats in front of you as if speaking to a child. He places his palms on the couch on each side of you as you stare at him with raised brows. It's weird seeing Mr jeon like this, he looks different from the the psychiatrist you speak to most of the time.

"Would you do anything to go back home?" he looks at you with so much patience and determination, like you would a child you're trying to convince to go to school.

"You'd do anything huh?" Even the way he's speaking is different, it's more casual.

You remember your previous confession, and even though it was an unconscious confession you still meant it. You can see him waiting for your answer and you unsurely nod.

He shakes his head declining your response.

"I need you to use your words. I need you to be sure" his tone is so soft and gentle and it makes you even more comfortable around him.

After thinking about it, which he lets you do, you have your answer.

"Yes I would." You nod along your words. He smiles at that, feeling to be going in the right direction with you.

"You know I can get you out of this place in a second, right?" He questions you.

You nod. "Words y/n"

"Yes, I know you can"

He nods. "Do you trust me? " It's actually something you've thought about. Do you trust Mr jeon? yes, yes you do. He's the only one you trust in this whole hospital or even the world.

"I do trust you, Mr jeon" he smiles at the honorific. You're unsure to what's he's getting to but you listen close.

"So if you trust me, then let me get you out of this place" why is he asking you this. Does he do this for others as well.

"I can take you somewhere better. I can take you home" and when he says home your eyes light up.

"Home?" You ask and he nods. "I do wanna go home"

"Okay then" he smiles at you. His eyes then turn dark But you can barely notice mind clogged with the hope of being able to go home.

"But you have to do one thing for me"

Next

[goblinpuppy35]

Paw Prints in Fresh Soil

(Previous Chapter) - Part 2 - (Next Chapter)

Professor Remus x Male Reader

Summary: While teaching at Hogwarts Professor Lupin tries his best to conceal his strong crush for the green fingered grounds keeper Y/N but soon a strong friendship blooms into something more.

------------------------------------------

A week of teaching flashed past Remus at an expectational speed and he loved every moment of it. Everyday was slightly different with what he taught and he was beginning to see a genuine improvement in the students Defense Against the Dark Art skills. He felt a place of pride for them all in his heart. The connection he had built with his students did help to combat the consistently delicate relationship he held with most other teachers.

They would exchange polite nods with Remus down the hallway yet this was always accompanied with a swift step to the furthest wall to increase their distance between themselves and the Proffesor. It was an agonising staff meeting when it had been made aware to the rest of the teachers about Remus being a werewolf, several protested intensely, with Professor Snape being the biggest. During this discussion Remus had kept closest to the door with his head hung staring at his scuffed shoes. He felt a constant sense of anxiety that this whole opportunity would be whipped away from him any second.

Each day Remus considered it a blessing he was still at Hogwarts. At this point he had become accustomed to doing his scheduled night patrols alone. His eyes adjusted well to the dark night surroundings, personally Remus would have been happy to wonder without a light but to not startle any potential wandering members of the castle, he illuminated his path by the tip of his wand as he strolled down the hallway, passing sleeping paintings. 

The night had a cold but peaceful atmosphere to it which Remus took solis in, enjoying a few squares of his nighttime supply of chocolate. As Remus used his sharp back teeth to press down on a particular hard piece he froze in the middle of the hallway and observed a dull warm light grow in intensity around the corner. It was the glow of a lantern and Remus prepared himself to give a wandering student a stern yet measured reminder of Hogwarts after dark curfew rules, but the figure's size threw his focus. Taller than a student yet not as tall as the Professor himself. With Remus remaining stagnant and figure not fully looking where they were going the two almost collided.

With only a few steps to spare the lamp and the head of its carrier whipped forward in Remus' direction, their two light sources highlighting the other. "Y/N!" Remus said in surprise, "Oh Christ! " was the groundskeeper's response followed by him stepping back, clinching his chest and letting out a small nervous laugh "You really need to stop sneaking up on me Professor Lupin". Despite the shock Remus found himself pleased to see the young man again "forgive me, I didn't expect to see you of all people on my patrol, what are you doing up and about?". By now Y/N had caught his breath back, "Same as you actually" he explained "Hagrid wasn't feeling so well so asked me to do his night patrol for him. I don't spend much time in this castle, I'm honestly amazed you all don't get lost in this maze more often!". There already seemed to be an element of comfortable familiarity between the two men which Remus enjoyed, "Well we all get lost in our first year but soon you start to know Hogwarts as a second home along with all its strange passageways" he beamed towards Y/N, however this shared experience seemed to be lost on the groundskeeper who looked back at Remus with a polite but confused smile.

Remus wasn't able to speak again before the conversation was deliberately interrupted by a slow cough echoing down the hall, it's perpetrator made themselves viable from their own wands light. "Interrupting something am I?" each word was more drawn more then the last and Remus brow dropped as Proffesor Snape approached them. "The fact your granted the responsibility of night patrols is truly beyond me, especially since it seems you'd rather spend your time gossiping" Snape's dark eyes lookee between Y/N and Remus who then looked towards each other. "With all due respect Proffesor Snape" Y/N carefully began "Professor Lupin is an incredibly capable member of staff and takes his role with absolute seriousness" Remus' mouth dropped open slightly, it was rare he was ever stood up for. "In fact I was just about to ask Professor Lupin if he would accompany me on my petrol for the rest of the night since I don't know these halls as well as him." Y/N finished with an air of confidence though alas this began to diminished as Proffesor Snape came closer.

"This is NOT the kind of individual anyone in this school should be conspiring with" hissed Snape towards Y/N, "If it was put to me he would be on the first train out of here" as the ghoulish positions teacher paused he leaned in closer to Y/N making him visible nervous. "And you would be a close second Mr Y/L/N. You have no business being here, the only small positive in your gross act of misjudgement is the only person your endangering is yourself of course". Y/N's face showed he was certainly upset by these comments yet he stood his ground, gripping onto the handle of his lantern tightly.

Once Snape was satisfied with his torment he adjusted his robes and started to walk down the eery corridor "Of course, it's in my best interest for you to not get yourself harmed. I will need your help collecting the herbs I need for a certain Someone's medicine" with the word someone being emphasised as Snape briefly turned back to glare directly as Remus. It wasn't until Remus was satisfied that Snape was out of ear stop he could relax and turn back to Y/N "he's as insufferable as when he was child. I'm sorry about him Y/N please don't take his words to heart. You have a right to be here as much as anyone" in a moment of rare forwardness Remus places his hand gently on Y/N's shoulder.

This gesture was met with tender eyes and a small warm smile from Y/N which was enough to make Remus draw him in closer but by force he controlled his impulses. "Thank you Lupin" Y/N said genuinely "But Professor Snape is right, I don't exactly belong here" as Y/N contemplated he began to walk down the hallway and Remus swiftly followed. "You know originally I withdrew my application to come and work here at the school but it was Dumbeldore who found me and encouraged me to reconsider." as they walked Y/N seemed to be talking to the sleeping paintings as much as he was to Remus, nevertheless he was happy to just listen. "I knew the risks coming here and I knew it wasn't going to be easy yet at the same time I was hopeful, if that makes any sense". "Completely" Remus said earnestly suddenly finding himself connecting even more with the gentleman next to him. Was it possible they were more alike then he had originally thought?

"Well" Y/N said with a sudden chuckle "that's what I get for being a Muggle living under Hogwarts roof". Remus instantly scrapped his previous thoughts. "I'm sorry what? .. your a Muggle?" Y/N seemed shocked by Remus' own level of disbelief, "had you not noticed" he asked lifting up his hand  to Remus "no wand". This was true, Remus had never noticed a wand on Y/N's person and it would explain why he was walking at night by latten light and yet Remus was still struggling to grasp this new information. Y/N had stopped walking forward, folding his arms he leans against the stone wall, allowing Remus to remain dumbfounded "if it helps you reacting as well as most people do" there was a hint of sarcasm in Y/N's voice. This was not the first time he'd had this conversation. In this moment Remus recognised the familiar emotions of uneasiness and panic he had often bared witness from others now being expressed outwardly from himself. He took a moment to recenter himself and rejoin the conversation with Y/N, the last thing Remus wanted to do was make him feel more isolated.

Without being prompted Y/N began to talk, "I'm sure you've got questions so I'll give you the basic run down . My parents went to Hogwarts, they met each other, fell in love and had a child. A healthy baby boy who grew up to be a very capable wizard in the ministry. Then they had a second child .. a child who showed no signs of magical spell casting abilities. And before you ask they did numerous tests on me. Some just said I was a late bloomer and needed more time but nothing happened. No wand chose me and that was that". They had reached the end of the hallway which had an enormous decorative arched window looking out towards the still lake and Y/N watched the clouds reflection dance in the water ripples as he continued. "So my parents decided to send me to a Muggle school, not that I really fit in there either. But I still had such an interest in the magic world, I read all my parents books on wizard history and creatures. I got particularly fascinated by magical herbology hence why I help out in the greenhouses so much. So yes, I may be a Muggle technically but I know a lot about this world and I feel more connected to be in it then the one out there." Despair was hidden behind Y/N's eyes though he did a good job holding it from rising to the surface.

Remus said nothing at first, he simply looked at Y/N in awe, processing every word he'd said. Finally as the full murky colours of dawn began to creep into the sky and morning birds tweeted in the dark trees, Remus reached out and took Y/N's hand. It was Y/N's turn to now stand silently, in shock of Remus' sudden action. "You may not be a magic caster Y/N .. but you have me spellbound" even within the dark Y/N cheeks clearly turned a warm pink and he almost tried to wiggle out of Remus' grasp. "You are proving everyone who ever doubted you wrong by being here and that is immensely courageous, I implore you to believe in your own capabilities, or at least let me believe in them until you can" when Remus had said 'let me' he could feel Y/N's own grip in his palm get tighter for a moment. "That's .. that's quite a romantic statement Proffesor Lupin" Y/N couldn't meet Remus' eye contact until he said his name and in a heart beat both men were the same shape of pink and exchange nervous chuckles.

"Please, call me Remus" he noticed the warm colour coming back to Y/N's face which caused Remus to gaze out of the window and see that the morning sun was swiftly approaching. "And I'm just speaking honestly...Looks like our patrol together is almost done. Would you like to watch the sun rise with me?". Y/N nodded and their hands parted as they sat down of the stone window ledge and enjoyed the steady glow of the horizon. "What did Professor Snape mean when he said that you shouldn't be here either" Y/N ask and looked at Remus with curious eyes. Remus kept his eyes forward at the lake and his jaw tightened. "Oh nothing really. Just old school boy grudges really." Y/N continued to stare at Remus and then eventually turned back to face the sunshine "oh. okay then."

'Honestly my arse' thought Remus with a sigh.

[amadeusgame]

Devlog: MAGWest Retrospective + Demo Update Soon

Read on itch | Amadeus: A Riddle for Thee ~ Episode 1 ~ Waltz

It's been a week since MAGWest, and this is meant to be an update both for people who attended and found this game (hi!) and people who have been following this game and are awaiting updates.

For those from MAGWest: the version of the game you saw at the booth isn't publicly available yet, but will be this month. More details below.

Devlog Contents

MAGWest Recap - how it went, feedback received, what that means for the game's upcoming release.

New Public Demo - coming this month. Will take the MAGWest build and add a couple more scenes so it (more or less) covers what the currently live demo does in terms of story.

Full Game - coming SOON. By end of year is the goal I'm really pushing for.

Full devlog below the cut.

All game links here: linktr.ee/amadeusgame

MAGWest Recap

Truthfully, MAGWest was exactly what I needed to get this first episode finished. It gave me a deadline to make a new public-ready build, it gave me a deadline to make a new trailer (which accidentally turned into an anime-ass opening, and I think that was the best possible decision I could have made for it), and it let me meet a lot of people who have the same priorities that I do face-to-face.

I started working on this game when I was studying music composition in grad school, wanting to write music for games (...before deciding to just make the whole thing myself). It feels only natural that I found so many like-minded people at a convention specifically celebrating video game music.

(forgive my terrible phone camera quality)

I have a very small audience, primarily because I've been stubborn about sticking to a particular vision and making something near-unmarketably niche. My goal is to make something a small handful of people will deeply connect with. But prioritizing such a small, specific audience has made it difficult to look at pure metrics, as the numbers are (obviously) not very large.

This convention gave me the opportunity to see those "numbers" in person, talk to the people behind them, and realize that every single Steam wishlist or Itch follow is someone who has in some way engaged with my game and found it appealing. I had fascinating conversations with a lot of people, and I really connected with folks who were excited about what I'm making. It was incredibly motivating.

One thing that really felt... amazing, honestly, in a way I was genuinely unprepared for... was the overwhelmingly positive reception. People really loved Amadeus! They had such nice things to say about the art, music, story, and atmosphere. I received a proportionately tiny amount of critical feedback; almost everyone had nothing to say except that they loved it. I obviously did receive some critique (more below; I know exactly what to prioritize when tweaking the mechanics for the public build) - but I was anticipating a much more mixed reaction. The reaction wasn't mixed at all! A clear majority of people who stopped by seemed to really like it.

One person finished the demo, and without any prompting, said it reminded them of a different VN called Umineko. I will probably be riding that high for the rest of my life.

The current online build I released back in February is something I'm very proud of, but it is pretty rough around the edges. This new build is SO much more polished. I was able to put it in front of an audience of strangers and let it speak for itself, and people loved it. The foundation for a complete game is ready.

To everybody who stopped by my booth at the convention: thank you so much!

As for the notes on what to fix, the following points will be addressed in the new build:

It's very unclear that after exhausting all 3 options, selecting one again will progress the story. This is the #1 thing to fix as it came up a lot from many different people.

There's one interactible where Amadeus often gets stuck trying to walk to it.

Instead of reducing opacity on the non-active speaker in the Witch negotiation scene, it would be less visually confusing to add a grey overlay.

Need to adjust keyboard controls for backlog tome so that they don't overshoot parts of text when scrolling back through a long backlog.

Will add an option for an "instant" text appearance speed.

New Public Demo

The new demo will effectively be the build I presented at MAGWest but with the above adjustments and a few more scenes. And it's coming this month, October 2024!

It will be comparable to the current online demo in length and content, but there have been so many narrative and mechanical changes that it should feel almost like a new game. Unlike the old demo, which was written when I was still undecided on certain plot points, this new demo will reflect that I now know exactly where I'm going with them. >:)

That said, the full game should be coming not too far after the demo update, so whether you feel it's a must-play or not is entirely up to you. Its most important role is to accurately represent what the full episode will be like so nobody feels like they have to pay money for a game they aren't sure they will enjoy.

(I may elect to use Steam's new feature where people can review demos, though, so if I do that... well. Feel free to leave a review!)

Brief overview of everything new coming in the updated demo:

Rich text & more fonts

Witch redesign

UI indicates what you are interacting with before you click

Background is highlighted along with cursor change when hovering over interactibles

Speaker name is no longer part of the spoken text itself and is displayed in its own box above

Text appearance can be paused mid-scroll for dramatic effect

Menus and settings now navigable with keyboard controls. Also fixed an issue where some text scroll settings weren't working properly across scenes

Backlog redesign

"Cycle through all interactibles" mechanic

Glossary mechanic (to encourage big brain theorizing)

Save + load from 3 save slots

Anime-ass opening cutscene

Narrative adjustments to reflect more thorough planning

...Fun little secret new mechanic :)

Full Game Release

Coming Soon (TM)!

I still can't be more specific than that because I don't want to keep announcing release dates and then pushing back. November is looking... painfully over-optimistic; but "by the end of the year" I think may be doable. I will have a much better idea of how long it will take to finish the complete game after I've released the new demo, because I'll have a better idea of how long it actually takes to implement all of my new mechanics in multiple scenes.

I can't give a release date, but I can give a status update:

Music - all tracks are written but a few need more TLC/development.

Sound - I could release with only the sound design assets I currently have, but boy, I'd love to add some more. As time allows.

Art - still need to draw a few more backgrounds and portraits.

Narrative - fully written, but most scenes post-demo need more revisions.

Mechanics - almost COMPLETELY DONE! The small number of tweaks listed from the MAGWest build need to be implemented, but otherwise it is feeling great. I can draw a hard line in the sand here and say "we are good, build it and ship it."

Build - this is what is going to take the most time, and is why I can't give an estimate until I have built the new demo and seen how long it takes. The new mechanics exist, as do most of the audiovisual assets, but I need to build the remaining scenes.

I learned from MAGWest that I am very bad at estimating how long playtime of my own game is, and it varies dramatically based on read speed and how much you enjoy clicking on things; but I would roughly estimate that the demo will be between 30-40 minutes of playtime, and the full game will be somewhere in the ballpark of 2 hours. This will be Episode 1 of 5, and I make no promises that the episodes won't explode in scope from one to the next. One thing at a time: I'd love to get this first episode to you all very soon. Thanks to MAGWest for being an important goalpost and momentum boost on the way there!

Look forward to a big update this month, and I'll continue to work hard on getting this game finished. Happy werewolf season!

[vodika-vibes]

"I'm going to beat you so bad that you're going to wish I was 17."

LOOOOL WOLFFE YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR OWN DEATH WARRANT 🤣

And I don’t think Fox will be forgetting about that Shiny anytime soon either . . .

Lol, poor Wolffe, luckily he can handle it. The Shiny, however, cannot.

Also, tumblr was being dumb about this post and I don't know why.

This is getting ridiculous, you decide as you rearrange the Chancellor's schedule to make room for his Physical, and flat out cancel his meeting with Anakin. It has been weeks, weeks, since you've been able to be alone with Fox.

You tap your foot on the carpeted floor, and glower at the schedule. Everytime you try, that new guy keeps redirecting you to Thorn, or Thire, or Stone and it's getting to the point where you're going to beat the Shiny to death with your datapad if he doesn't stop.

"My dear," Your gaze snaps to the Chancellor, "It appears that my meeting with Anakin has been canceled."

"He had a Jedi thing he needed to do. Something with the kid he's trying to raise." You reply honestly, for once. "So that gives you an hour of free time this afternoon, if you wish to duck out early."

"I might just." He muses, "Thank you, my dear." He pauses and looks you over, "You seem stressed, young one, why don't you take the rest of the day off."

You glance at the schedule, all the Chancellor has left for the day is a series of appointments with doctors, so you nod. "I think that might be a good idea. Thank you sir." With that decision made, you power down your datapad, and you head towards the elevator.

You hit the button that takes you to the lowest levels, and you make a beeline for Fox's office. Only to get intercepted by that one, damned, shiny.

"Welcome back!" He says cheerfully, "Commander Thorn is available if you need to speak with someone."

"I need to talk to the Marshal Commander." You reply.

"I'm afraid Commander Fox is busy." The Shiny replies brightly as he tries to herd you towards Thorn.

"Is he in a meeting?"

"No ma'am,"

Your smile twitches slightly, "On a call?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Then he can make time for me." You say flatly, as you turn to head towards Fox's office. You're stopped when a firm hand wraps around your wrist.

Your gaze drops to the hand wrapped tightly around your wrist, and then you look up at him, genuine surprise on your face. "The Marshal Commander has better things to do than talk to silly little girls."

The Bullpen is totally silent for a moment, and you see Thorn and Thire heading your way, while Stone hurries into Fox's office. And you smile nicely.

"CT-9735, correct?" You power your datapad back on, and switch to a different page, "How would you like to be reassigned? Let's see, the 104th and the 91st need people-"

"You don't have the authority to do that." His grip tightens around your wrist, and you don't wince from sheer force of will.

And then another hand wraps firmly around the Shiny's wrist, "Let them go." Fox's voice is very low and very, very angry.

"She seems to think that she can reassign me-"

"They speak with all of the authority of the Supreme Chancellor. If they want to reassign you, they more than have the authority to do so." Fox interrupts, and you're finally released, "What's more, at this point I'm considering reassigning you myself."

"Commander-"

"Personal Assistant Yuu has free reign to enter my office whenever they desire." Fox says flatly, "And if you have a problem with that-"

"She's a vain, shallow girl! She has no business bothering you-"

"There is nothing vain or shallow about them." Fox bites out.

"Sir, you don't know her-"

For a moment, you worry that Fox is going to just shoot him, but then his expression clears. He turns to you, a small little grin playing on his lips.

Stars, he's so handsome, you love him so much-

And then your train of though cuts off as he crashes his lips against yours, immediately setting one hand on your hip while the other lightly caresses the back of your neck.

You stand on your toes, your arms sliding around his neck as he lightly nips your lower lip, and you whine softly.

And when Fox breaks the kiss, you let out a groan of disappointment, but he just chuckles and presses his forehead against yours. "It's about time," You breathe out.

Fox grins at you, "I'm going back to my office. I'm taking them with me. The next person who tries to bother me is getting shot. Am I clear?"

Thorn has a wide grin on his face, "Crystal clear, sir! Have fun."

[just-orbiting-you]

Hi.

I'm a Jikooker myself and have been since 2016. I've been through a lot of phases with Jikook, many ups and downs, but something that never changed was the feeling of a special bond between Jimin and Jungkook. After watching the two episodes of AYS, I have to agree with you and @parkminijiminie. Something is missing, something is wrong. I won't call them liars, I won't try to bend myself over to explain their words, I'm just going to believe what they said. And that is that they didn't see each other for months (!), that they didn't even make the effort to call each other during the time they couldn't see each other and that they would have continued to not see each other if Jimin wouldn't have pushed for the travel show.

This is not what a couple looks like. Friends, sure. They can go weeks or months without contact, if the bond is strong, things quickly go back to normal when friends see each other again. But a couple? No even making the effort to try and spend time with each other? Doesn't sound right to me. But that's not the only thing that felt off to me. It's also how they interacted that was different. Of course there was plenty of skinship and definitely some skinship I wouldn't expect of two people who were always just platonic. But the way they spoke to each other? The way they treated each other? It was lacking the softness, the tenderness that we were able to witness between them over the years. Just go back and watch Jimin's birthday vlive from 2021, listen to how Jimin was speaking to Jungkook on the phone, watch how Jungkook cane practically running to be with Jimin, watch how soft they are with each other the entire time. And now compare it to what we saw in the first episodes of AYS. The difference is insane.

In AYS they felt like two people, who don't really know each other anymore, at least not their current selves, trying to somehow reconnect but still failing. Their bodies have their own memory, they just act, hence the skinship. But the mind? The mind doesn't know what to do. It felt incredible weird. And I genuinely think every Jikooker that claims everything is fine, is trying to ignore the obvious.

My personal opinion? I think they once were a couple or they at least had a non-platonic relationship. But for some reason they ended it and both started to live their own lives away from each other. AYS seems like a chance to reconnect in some ways. And it probably worked because in the end they did enlist together. But in my opinion? They're not in a romantic relationship. At least not anymore.

thank for your ask anon because i feel less off base. call me too connected to them parasocially idk, but this revelation we’re having saddens me a little bit. nevermind the romantic aspect, their friendship just seems different. and granted, they’re coworkers. there’s a reality there that we often forget, but they always seemed like they pushed that into true friendship or at least made it seem that way with a camera. and a camera has never been an obstacle before honestly.

you’d wonder what it would take for them to seem so different now. like what truly went on for them to separate so far they don’t even call each other. dude even just hearing jimin say he regretted flying to film this show and spend time with jungkook (before finding out the rollercoaster he would go on across the episode) just broke my heart.

i hope they were able to reconnect over these trips and rebuild their friendship before enlistment together. because there’s another level of sadness if they come back from the military even more distant than what we’re seeing now.

[total-television-productions-act]

Does the Fox from The Hunter have a backstory in the actorverse? He's always been my favorite Total TV character.

Not particularly. He came from a shitty household with homophobic parents before eventually running away from it, which was pretty standard fair for Actorverse, and he was mostly a vessel for Hunter, who was already a minor character himself (and also was nothing at all like The Hunter. what.)

After a scroll thru my notes I can tell you: he's a Taurus and he makes sex jokes. world's normalest man.

I will give you everything I know about him from the other aus too bc honestly I don't have much about him.

He doesn't have much going for him in Rebootverse, he was pansexual and selectively mute (on request from a friend) and Mooch wanted to kiss him.

Taleverse I.... still don't have much for him lmao, but I do have a (few) document(s) purely made for dumping headcanons.

He was so minor in his previous canons that I'm really not opposed to carrying it over: he's a Taurus who ran away from a shitty (potentially criminal, itself) household before getting into crime himself.

I don't know if he's selectively mute. He might've been as a child, or maybe he was just speechphobic, or maybe he was just shy. Anyway, nowadays he speaks fine (hopefully that all was helped thru normal ways) but he probably doesn't talk to anyone who doesn't talk to him first. (and himself. most TTV characters talk to themselves lol)

Sure he can be pansexual. I can also tell you he's trans, that's a Tale Original.

Mooch likes him but he only likes Mooch for the amount of "fun" Mooch can give him in a night

ok now here's the other Tale Originals:

his last name is "Reynard." His first name is genuinely "Fox," but because he's trans, who's to say if that was his silly decision or his parents

kept doing drag after that "Friday Fox" bit. took Tooter under his wing to do it, too (i decided this primarily because they're both short subjects with episodes named after days of the week lmao, "Girl Friday" and "Tuesday Turtle," yes i know that's not even close to what happens in "Tuesday Turtle")

does not drink water only Monster

I don't know if he's a witch (Taleverse for "does magic") or just enchanted (Taleverse for "infused with magic [usually winding up 'super'] ") but the reason that he is able to commit his bighuge robberies is because of his magic

(I think he can put time on pause in order to do it)

one raunch: I think he slept with Hunter during his first "Friday Fox" stint. it was mostly so he could steal his wallet along with the rest of the stuff he took/threw out lol

I also have one fic in which he's being featured where he takes Horris under his wing to do crime. it doesn't work out so well for Horris lmao (or Fox, when Hunter finds out!)

I don't know what his history with Finn is but he does most certainly have one. Finn is not a cop in Taleverse, so it's probably some kind of personal grudge (i think it's probably a personal grudge canonically as well lmao). Fox probably betrayed him in some way, Fox loves to betray people

Fox would easily, if tentatively, be let into any Gang he wanted to be. Fox, however, trusts no one but himself and doesn't want to be "held down" by things like Gang comradery and having to plan a breakout with other people

Speaking of breakouts, I think he was part of Riff's temporary "prison Gang" in "Just in Case," (because i want that prison to be ("Breakout at) Breakrock"). But, as Fox is wont to do, he betrayed Riff as soon as he got on the other side of the fence and went his own separate way

[drhighhopess]

Cleon Week 2024

A Claire x Leon fanfiction based on the themes for cleon week (24th-30th of September), each chapter represents the day we are going off or one-shot in other words.

theme : Behind Bars

word count : 733

Chapter : 2 / 7

Type : sfw

a/n : It's been such a long week of school, I took a nap right when I got home and now I'm up in the middle of the night deciding to make the next chapter 😭 I didn't include Leon like at all, it was more about Claire and how her experiences are. I genuinely love writing about her and Leon and how they went through so much and can understand and relate off it.

Why wouldn't he go to sleep yet?

Were the words that ran through her mind. There was absolutely nothing that could've made her understand how exhausting having a child was. The restless nights were terrible. Not to mention postpartum..

Not a regret though.

The smile her baby had, it was absolutely beautiful. The nice feeling of seeing a piece of you in someone else. How sometimes her son would have her eyes, but then his dad's smile. A combination of both of them.

'I'm actually a mother.'

It hasn't fully sunk in yet, even through the nine months of hard work with adjustments. Plus, if you want to add another nine months for the actual pregnancy.

Jeez, time went fast.

Claire got up from the bed, the sound of the mattress creaking filled her ears. The soft sigh of breath left her mouth. Seeing Leon shift his body while still sleeping. Wondering how it would feel to be sleeping instead. The nice feeling of the blanket over her body, while the cold air is just right underneath. But still a sense of warmth from the piece of fabric on top of her skin. Regardless she knew she had responsibilities.

Claire went over to the crib, at the moment she was still weary about having her son inside the nursery to sleep inside. What if something happened? Would practically be the only thing in her mind. Leo needed someone inside the room with him at all times.

“Hey.. Hey.. Hey..” Claire's words came out gently. Picking up Leo, putting the baby inside her arms. Gently bouncing him on her hip.

“Are you hungry?” The redhead asked, her mouth going to give him a small peck on his cheek. Recently getting into the habit to try and really speak to him. The doctors said to have Leo talking soon he'd need to have conversations with others. It was awkward in full honestly, talking to someone without getting a reply back.

Even then they would both do what they had to for him to have the best start on his life.

Claire didn't know how hard being a mom was, at least until she was one herself. Growing up she always appreciated her mom. For the time they had together at least. She was still a kid though, she did not like every choice the woman made that affected her own life. Like getting a stepfather, her mom remarried around the age of seven. Old enough to comprehend the situation around herself. The guy wasn't.. a bad person.

Just didn't like him, if she had been honest it would probably have been that she hated that her parents divorced. She was starting kindergarten, about five years old. That didn't mean the redhead couldn't understand whether her parents didn't love each other. Especially someone her age has decent understanding. Emotions are less complex, but the ones they could understand meant a lot. Like love, not like love any adult would think of obviously.

But she knew her parents loved each other once upon a time.

She'd make sure her son would have the best childhood possible. Giving him the opportunity she never had, knowing her and her fiance already talked about it. How they were raised, being able to relate to losing a parent during childhood. Even then, she knew if something happened it wasn't in her control, considering the jobs they both work. It's already risky enough, but they could make it work.

They already are.

Her eyes went back to Leo's face, seeing how he calmed down slightly after being in his mom's arms. He rested on her hip, using her other hands freedom to pick up the bottle inside the crib. Overtime throughout the almost year since he was born he has been a constant wiggle worm. Surely loving to get around and move at every opportunity.

The kid did not like to be put behind bars.

A small breath of air left the woman's mouth. Before going to the kitchen to make Leo his bottle. Closing the door with a small creak. Letting the light that the kitchen would possess go ahead and reach their bedroom. She knew it was around time he could be put in his nursery, that couldn't stop the natural feeling of worry.

So until then, maybe just for a bit more he'd stay inside her and Leon's room.

[sparklegemstone]

Loki Series S2E1 Ouroboros

My thoughts (only a week and a half late 😋) --

That was...HONESTLY GREAT??!! I'm so surprised how good it was given that my expectations were set pretty low.

When I looked at creative leadership for S2, I wasn't expecting much of a departure from S1 because Eric Martin and Michael Waldron carried over as the writers from S1 to S2, but I guess what I missed was that, correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like Waldron is really just billed in name only and didn't contribute much because he got pulled onto other Disney projects, and since Martin was 2nd to Waldron in season 1, perhaps Martin with more control is able to bring a different perspective than he did for S1? Also, directors have changed, we have the Moon Knight directors now, and perhaps most of the positive changes I'm seeing I can thank them for, since I loved Moon Knight (until it got comic-book-silly in the later episodes with the purple alien-looking world ™ that's become a Marvel crutch that seems to be surpassing even the "sky portal/beam" now as an overdone device). Actually, it makes sense that a change of directors would make a bigger difference than a change in show runner / writer since again, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe Marvel Studios has been running their TV show productions more like films where the director's creative voice is king, whereas in typical TV show production it's the showrunner/writer's creative voice that is king and directors step in to carry out that vision on a per episode basis.

Any-hoo...

This episode worked so well for me because the setup and stakes were serious and all this episode needed to do was keep the tone serious and execute on the setup from the previous season finale, and it did! Excellent execution, yay! Serious tone, yay! I think the episode probably benefitted in my eyes from the fact that it didn't need to accomplish any character stuff (TBD whether this season can improve on that aspect) and so could not fall short in that regard, it was very much a 'doer' episode of having a concrete threat / conflict to solve and the characters just went about trying to tackle what was in front of them.

Loki's face when he genuinely thought he was going to die? They did not have to go THAT HARD with the drama and emotion and I love that they chose to go hard and set Hiddleston's acting chops free. So much emotion on his face.

Speaking of how I thought the more serious tone was handled really well, I think Mobius's recurring fixation on the "no skin" thing is a really good example of that. Obviously the fact that Mobius kept bringing it up multiple times was done for comedic purposes, and it could have been played more hokey and jokey, but the directors did a fantastic job of incorporating that while also at the same time keeping the tone serious and keeping the tension up.

Season 1 did not make me believe that Loki and Mobius would be such close compatriots as this episode portrays, the previous attempt at character work did not do it for me, but I guess I'll just try to do a mental reset, take it as a given that they very close for some reason, and see where this season goes from here.

I liked Ouroboros. He was entertaining and a good change of pace for another support TVA character since I don't really enjoy Casey. And the whole sequence of Loki talking to Ouroboros in the past while Mobius was talking to him in the present was very well-written and a clever idea. I really enjoyed that.

Almost no Sylvie was also a plus for me that I know is not going to last, but might as well enjoy it in the meantime. I even thought the actress did just fine in the mid-credits scene and wouldn't have minded her if only Sylvie was just her own person and not a Loki variant, but I'm so done with seeing her in a reproduction of Loki's armor.

For me the only weaknesses of the episode were:

Sound mixing -- I had a hard time making out some of the dialog

I wasn't really following all the sudden exposition about why both Loki and Mobius were going to die and this thing they had to do with this piece of tech to not die...I think the setup for that could have been clearer.

So I'm feeling more hopeful that I could like this season better and my interest is definitely up. I think the test will be how the new directors handle more character-focused scenes when it's not running-around-under-a-time-crunch to see if this season will improve on that.

@delyth88

[asm5129]

RWBY v9 e4 Thoughts and Analysis

Genuinely might be my favorite opening of the entire show. 

Also, genuinely, screw everyone who ever said Ruby didn’t have a character arc. 

RWBY is really, really good at keeping stories going in the background even as the main focus shifts around. So just...stop with that shit, okay? CRWBY are very particular with what they choose to do and when. Not everything's perfect, but if you get hung up on things you didn’t like from the past, you’ll never be able to fully appreciate what’s happening now. It’s always gonna bother you in the back of your mind. Ruby wasn’t always the most important person in the show. Let it go so you can talk about what led us here, to this exceptional story. We good? Good. 

“You do not go to the tree, the tree goes to you! Unless of course you’re me, you see?”

Yeah, so the Curious Cat (referred to as CC from here on out) is definitely in some position of authority in the Ever After, but they do not control it or anything like that. I suppose we shall find out their role soon enough. 

Regardless, it seems that the Tree decides when you’re ready to leave, not you. CC can bypass that it seems, but i doubt that will work for our heroes.

If the residents of the Ever After exist to facilitate a story, then the Tree will let them out when the story is done. 

Maybe the Ever After only rained when Ruby was sad (rather than, for instance, Weiss) because it’s deemed her the protagonist of the story that must reach it’s conclusion before RWBY and co are allowed to leave? Just a thought.

“it’s a matter of perspective” that’s an intriguing line

Also, Little does not have a history with CC like I thought they and the other mice might. However, that’s not to say CC liking to eat mice has no impact on whether the mice know what a cat is, especially since last week Little wasn’t even completely convinced they were a mouse.

It’s been said before, but CC really is a standout character. The design, the performance, the power set,  even the dialogue make literally everything about them engaging. As does, of course, the characterization, cuz this Cat is just as impossible as any cat irl. Now i actually like cats, but I’ll be the last one to say they don’t tend towards being completely absurd and impossible in their behavior

CC just takes that to the next level. Honestly though CC is basically just ADHD: the animal

Craving a steady stream of interesting conversations to keep them focused

too real 😅

“Got ‘im! Totally roasted”

From the tone of Yang’s voice, i genuinely think she was just throwing poor Weiss a bone here  😄

Missed a chance to have CC making a cat video tbh, but “Luminous Rectangle” and “why is it printing tiny flat versions of me” is still amazing

CC just briefly giving voice to some of the common complaints about RWBY is kinda nice

its CRWBY saying “We’re listening. We hear you. We are working to address your concerns, but only to the point that it won’t compromise our story.”

Also roasting the gods is fun. Does seem like it’s clear that the Gods have nothing to do with the Ever After then, though, if CC both didn’t know and is super comfortable calling them out this way

More information about Alyx, from a new source. Love how everyone who speaks about her has a different take, it makes her really interesting. 

Also rare smiling v9 Ruby Rose sighting

I love that CC is still a cat, with all the usual catlike behaviors. Would've been easy to anthropomorphize them more, I’m happy that didn’t happen.

“Each acre is made specifically for it’s inhabitants and their roles”

Intriguing. So...does CC not have an acre to call home? If not, why not? What makes them unique among this world’s rules?

a grogurt parfait, huh? Sounds gross. 

“Well I’m sure we’ll cause a lot less trouble once we’re back to normal” oh Weiss, honey, I wouldn’t count on that  😂

Ugh CC Blake’s right, they've got enough problems without you reminding them of what’s happening in remnant

“Oh no, i wasn’t paying attention” Ruby you are one of 5 people and your entire bag of trauma just got poked, it’s not your fault. You gotta work on that self-blaming instinct, he says knowing full well how hard that is from personal experience (seriously, i see so much of myself in Ruby)

The Lonely carpenter and the rusted Knight

one sweet, one handsome

Guessing we’ll meet them soon enough

Also that confirms the Knight in the trailer and intro isn’t Jaune. the Knight was in the original book.

So yeah was wrong about the Chekov's butterfly

Couple interesting lines here

First

”I’m the herbalist. Until I’m not, anyway” 

Our first hint that roles are not set in stone.

and second

“Everyone needs help these days. Everyone.” Who else is Herb referring to?

“Huntresses are heroes. We protect those who can’t protect themselves” Blake is really following in Ruby’s stead, this is literally the line Ruby gives her all the way back in volume 1 when they talk about their love of books. Of course, she’s doing it after going through all the healing Ruby hasn’t done yet.  It is cool to see this dichotomy of Blake stepping up and embodying what she valued in Ruby while Ruby becomes more like she was in volume 1 and 2

Also, I like that Ruby’s answer to “What does a huntress do” is “fight monsters”. it shows that she’s still thinking about things wrong

“In order to help you become whatever it is you need to become, you really ought to have a better understanding of what you are now”. Great line. Cuts straight to the heart of the issue.

.”This is how a king winds up a prince”

So...the Red Prince used to be the Red King? And he became the Red Prince, perhaps because he didn’t understand who he was, and thus who he wanted to be wasn’t quite right? We’ll see. But clearly there’s a much more complicated transformation process that can happen here than we expected. Perhaps a far more literal one, as well.

“You don’t have to go forward you know. You could go back. Back to before.”

Before she lost her arm. It’s not about her arm though--it’s about everything. It’s about going back to what things were like before beacon fell. Going back to who she was like before beacon fell.

Yang is shocked--but she doesn't immediately reject the idea. Unlike Blake...

“You could just be human. Or just a cat. It’s up to you.”

“Why would i do that?”

“I told you. It’s simple. Much simpler than trying to be a bridge between human and faunus. Why struggle with that responsibility?”

So it’s clear now. The reason Blake wasn’t front and center on injustice during the Atlas arc. 

This is what she was struggling with. Well this, and taking the life of an actual living, breathing person

Doesn’t matter that it was Adam, he was still a person.

So for a couple volumes she just...stopped trying to be that bridge. Focused on proving to her loved ones that she had grown, and that she wouldn’t run away again. Showing them--and especially Yang--that she loved them.

“You could be a nobody. Isn’t that what you want? to be free?”

God i’m so proud of these girls. This is such a beautiful scene. It’s so well directed, so well written, and there’s so much we can all learn from it, purely on an emotional growth level..

And then we come to Ruby. And unlike her friends, she doesn’t have it in her to reject the part of herself that appears here. Instead, she gets this brutal face-to-face with all of her worst insecurities, worst impulses, all her imposter syndromes and her habit of putting everything on her own shoulders. honestly this section deserves a deep dive all its own.

“You don’t even have to be Ruby Rose. So. Who are you gonna be?” 

Ruby is gonna go through a major transformation this volume. I can only hope it’s the one she needs.

I’m really curious why exactly CC was so angry about what Herb was doing. What exactly did he do wrong? Hopefully we will find out tomorrow. 

the “That’s a bit much” lien from herb intrigues me though.  Was he affected by the pain the girls--and Ruby in particular--were being forced to confront?

“Take a little bit of my heart”

Really curious about CC’s powers

and little being adorable again. Can’t wait for tomorrow!!

[rahullkohli]

Hi, Annika. I just saw your last post and I wanted to check in and see if you're doing okay. I am sending you my best.

jesus christ this is two months old, i am so sorry. thank you so much for checking in on me, it's honestly so nice to log in to see. i appreciate it so much. i'll just put explanation under a cut because it's all just a lot. you don't have to read, but at least i can use it to dump my brain for what's been going on, because i don't have anyone to talk to about it.

but ily for caring about me, i truly was scared to log in and find that no one had noticed i was gone and that people just forgot i existed.

so basically, my dad was in the hospital with a blood clot in his eye at the beginning of december, which fucked up his sight a lot. and everything was just so heavy with christmas being the worst time of the year for me, and then on top of that last year was absolute hell for me so i just fell heavy into the depression.

then on january 4th or sth my dad had another blood clot in the brain, which brings us to the ninth blood clot in his brain in about two years. this time around was the worst hit so far, and he now needs so much help. so i'm basically his primary caregiver again. he has a nurse that comes a couple times a week, and social health workers coming every day to make sure he eats, do some cleaning, help with stuff like laundry and such, which is a huge relief. but there's still so many other things he can't help with, and that all falls on me. like going to his hospital appointments with him because his memory and eyes are basically worthless at this point.

on top of that my depression is just getting worse and worse. except for when i go to help my dad, i don't see anyone socially. my dad never asks me about how i'm doing, how my life is, or anything like that, neither does the rest of my family. i only hear from them when they ask about our dad. so i am more or less just a tool for them.

and tumblr just started feeling like such a negative place. most of what i saw was people telling others what they were allowed to like and not like, and if you didn't adhere to those rules you were told you were a monster. and most stuff i saw on my dash seemed to be new things i didn't have the energy to engage with (i still haven't watched wednesday even though i was so excited for it). and it was a lot of all the bad crap happening in the world, and tumblr didn't feel like an escape any longer, it just felt like it was amplifying my depression, and speaking into the catastrophe thinking side of my OCD and anxiety, and it made my intrusive thoughts hit a level i honestly haven't experienced before, and i was genuinely afraid of myself.

and i'm just exhausted. the past three months i have been in bed when i haven't been doing stuff for my dad. the only thing i have for myself to keep me sane atm is running twice a week, yoga once a week, and song lessons once a week. the support person i got switched to after my old one quit is on sick leave now, so i have a temp, but i can't really talk to her because all of my shit is just such a heavy baggage and i don't know where to start, especially since i'm hopefully only seeing her for another month.

i'm just tired. if i didn't have cas to take care of, i think i would have asked my doctors about options for psychiatric hospitals for a while. i feel like a zombie most of the time, and i only keep going because there's not really any other alternative. so i guess that's that.

at least i was able to work things out with my vet bill, and i'll be paying the last installment next month, and cas is strong and healthy as if nothing happened.

also, i'm using pedro pascal to cope.so that too.

[hay1ock]

Only Friends Episode 11. I love Ray and Sand so much 😭 Yeah, mainly a Ray and Sand ramble this week. Oops lol

I’m so glad we got to see them coming back together this episode rather than skipping ahead or anything. The first scene with Sand and Yo and then Plug showing up. 1. I’m so happy they got back together. The question of ‘Do you want to be taken care of?’ And Yo’s little nods😭 Cos seriously same. Take care of me! And 2. I liked how Yo’s fears were tied to Ray’s, about people just wanting her for money and scared when someone claims to genuinely love her. And Sand expressing what he wished Ray might do, take a risk and believe someone cares for him.

Ray’s scene with Sand’s mum was lovely. He’d never had that nurturing loving experience with his own mum and even if Ray’s dad asked Sand for help, the way he speaks and acts towards his son leaves a lot to be desired. So it was great to see her being gentle and understanding, even rooting for him and Sand to patch things up. The switch to then Sand in the bar with his father, the strange comfort he received from someone who would only consider themselves a stranger in Sand’s life. First’s acting though, the slightly teary eyes and voice crack when it was pointed out he was alone that night. Yeah, I really liked they found a little comfort from the parental figures each had been missing in their lives.

‘Sand’. Ray found him 🥺 The way they looked at each other, Ray’s repeated ‘I’m sorry’, the tears, the hug, the relief for both of them. I knew I would love these characters at the very least on the surface level because they are wearing First’s and Khaotung’s faces, but honestly, these two… I care so much about them. For me their characters have been the most interesting and as we moved through the episodes I really wanted for them to overcome the obstacles and Ray’s issues to be able to be together. I truly hope they get a happy (or at the very least open/hopeful ending).

But anyway, the next couple of scenes are adorable - the bathtub and hand holding, Ray’s community service and the kids, planning for music festivals and getting passports. And then the music store scene and the way Sand rubbed the back of Ray’s head and how stupidly cute Ray was looking and the singing and… It’s amazing to see them like this. We’d had fleeting peeks before of how their relationship might be when Ray wasn’t spiralling, so it was great to see them just getting to be together when things had settled a little.

And then ‘he came in like a wrecking balllll’. Hi Boeing. Even though I’m a little hmm about Top and Mew sometimes, I didn’t exactly enjoy Boeing meddling so was glad Mew had eventually turned him away. Unfortunately, that now means he’s moved onto Sand. The way they focussed on his hand lingering on Sand’s shoulder when they met up. I’m not sure where Boeing’s been until Top brought him back into the Only Friends world, so all this time Sand’s anger has been directed at Top. It’s also probably easier to hate the person you weren’t in love with. Mew still loves Top despite the cheating, so I don’t see why that can’t be true for Sand. There’s not really a time period on a persons feelings toward another. But yeah *curses Top for needing a sleeping buddy* Boeing was given a kind of false hope with Top, then tried to play dirty riling up Mew, and now humiliated and tossed aside has turned to Sand. Maybe he thought he could use Sand’s old feelings and this time get what he wants, some kind of validation of himself. We don’t know that much about him, other than he does seem to enjoy manipulating things and not happy when things don’t go his way. So I do wonder if he thought Sand might be an easy victory, and not necessarily in a relationship way, just a use and dump, but then here’s Ray and now it’s a bigger challenge, so he goes all in and kinda twists things as if he is the one wronged and who suffered😑

Not sure where I stand on the whole sending Ray away thing. Part of me would want him there ‘if you’ve got something to say, you can say it to both of us’, but also, I don’t trust Boeing and really wouldn’t want him finding anything out about Ray, probably a reason Sand hadn’t mentioned he had a boyfriend (though maybe Ray would have really left the bar feeling more confident and secure about their relationship if he had and Boeing hadn’t dropped Sand in it - he knew what he was doing), plus there’s a chance Boeing could say something that upsets Ray and he’s early in his rehab efforts with therapy and reducing his alcohol consumption so…

As Sand’s mum said, Sand is super caring and wants to be there for people, and with the memories and feelings of what was between them I get why he might be hesitant to cut Boeing off as if they’d been nothing to one another. It’s a tough one and I’ll be interested to see if next episode we get some kind of flashback, a bit like how people were conflicted about Ray leaving Sand for Mew at the end of episode 3 and then we got the bathtub flashback and kiss, and whether you agreed with Ray’s actions or not, you could at least understand from his POV why he picked up the call and went to help Mew. Hoping we do get one or maybe more confirmation on how their relationship was.

I’m glad Ray stepped in, I’m not sure which way Sand would have gone in the end, not so much any kind of cheating I don’t feel, but at the very least letting Boeing hang around him further into the night. The suggestion of a pool party, however, I did not expect. Not 100% sure what Ray is hoping to achieve, maybe it’s a ‘keep your enemies close’ kind of thing and trying to get a feel for what angle Boeing is playing. Also, not a test as such, but wanted to assess what is going on with Sand and his feelings. It hasn’t been long since Ray’s doubts and insecurities had him yelling and crying and slamming lockers. No matter who tells him, his father, Sand’s mum, Sand himself, how much Sand cares for him, I’m sure those insecurities can’t simply vanish in an instant. I’ll be interested to see what the hell’s going to happen next episode between the 3 of them. Also, I hope Ray isn’t drinking in the pool because he’s feeling stressed (so in excess) vs what I’m assuming is a set daily amount/gradual reduction during rehab.

Okay, not going to add too much on anyone else this week (I say) as it’s nearly time for episode 12.

Top and Mew. I honestly don’t know how I feel about them anymore. I think I’m as tired as Top lol. While I agree with Top over Mew needing to give him a proper chance, get shut of Boeing and his second round of revenge, and also sympathise with him being in love and having changed and feeling guilty and wanting to be forgiven, I also don’t like how Top went about certain things. Like talking to Mew’s mums, following him about, turning up in front of him so often and I feel like he never gave Mew a chance to deal properly with his feelings without him being in front of Mew and constantly bringing him back to that initial anger and bitterness, saying he’s suffered enough - I’m not sure it’s his place to say that - asking Mew to move in already and to make up for the time Mew was ‘sulking’ - my guy, it’s not like you ate his last candy bar or something. You fucked his friend!

If Mew loves him and is now willing to give Top a real chance, no more games, then good luck to them both. I’ve said before about ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’. I’ve never been put in Mew’s position. I can theorise all I like, but in reality I might feel differently. So, as long as they are properly onboard giving their relationship a second chance then so am I.

Nick and Boston. Again, so long as there’s no more games and crying, and everybody knows where they stand, then I can happily be onboard for whatever relationship they decide upon and for however long that is for. I am a little sus over Dan’s expression, however, when Nick left, having turned down the boyfriend idea. Surely, there isn’t enough time for him to make a mess as well as Boeing?

Atom and Cheum. Feel a bit bad as to how Nick and Boston went about setting him up for a confession, but I mean, it was a particularly shitty lie he made about Boston that if taken seriously and to the police, could have ruined Boston’s life. I’m glad he confessed to Cheum and yes as his sister she had every right to believe him last week and to comfort and hug him this week, but, a little more scolding than ‘my wicked little brother’ might have endeared her to me as I’ve not been her greatest fan over certain scenes/actions.

I think that’ll do for this episode. Really excited to see how the series ends❤️

[celiaelise]

Okay y'all know that one post, (there might be a couple) where they talk about how people nowadays don't know how to watch movies? And will constantly be asking questions or not paying attention to what's going on??

Well, personally, I've never been very good at watching movies, so it's very possible that I'm guilty of all the things those posters are accusing viewers of. I'll even admit that up until, like, college, my eyes practically glazed over during action sequences, because I just genuinely couldn't follow what was happening, and was just waiting for it to be over.

BUT, I wanted to also say! When I'm watching a movie, and I ask things like, "why would he do that?" "where are they going?" "who said that?", etc... it may SOMETIMES be bc I genuinely want an answer, but it's also very likely that I'm just, like, experiencing the movie out loud? Like, we're watching together, so I'm going to socialize with you!! (I TRY to keep it to a minimum in theaters, but I also very rarely see movies in theaters, so.) Like, the movie is inciting curiosity in me, what's wrong with expressing that out loud? I might already realize it's a plot point that has yet to be revealed, but I'm basically doing the mystery equivalent of whispering to a horror protagonist "do NOT open that door..."

And if it IS something that I missed, and someone I'm watching can clear up for me, that's great too! Like I said, I've always struggled to follow action sequences, so, growing up, I often had to have my brother spell out what happened during fight scenes. My dad is face-blind, so sometimes he has to ask which character is onscreen 🤷🏻‍♀️ idk, it doesn't seem like a big deal to me!

Perhaps I'm disrespecting film as a genre by saying this; it's possible. But I feel like I have some room to speak, given my experience acting onstage. My city is NOT one where people know how to act in an audience; I've had phones go off, people get up and leave, people have entire conversations ENTIRELY UNRELATED TO THE SHOW while I'm onstage. (And it's a VERY small theater) Some of the actors I've worked with are more particular about an audience being respectful, but, honestly, if they're responding to something I've said, in-character? I love that shit. If you're paying attention to the story, responding to my rhetorical questions, dissing my character's enemies from the sidelines? We're best friends now. We're playing in this space together!! Like, if they're saying "why is she doing that...?" Out loud, audible to the actors, during a performance? Honestly, at least we know they're paying attention! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, I'm not sure if that entirely relates to what I was saying about movies, I'm kinda just rambling. I'm very tired. I had my first "week" of classes, even though it was only 3 days, and I'm honestly shocked how much it's wiped me out. It's literally just sitting in a classroom for four hours a day. Like, I should be able to handle that!! But, whatever. Hopefully my body will adjust.

[justineps]

One thing I decided to completely change about myself is the fact that I will speak the truth, or at least what I believe to be is my truth, even if it pushes people away or causes them to look at me in a negative manner. I really started to feel better once I just blurted out what was genuinely on my mind. The first few times I let this happen, a heavy wave of anxiety surged throughout my entire body, and I remember my body temperature drastically increased. I didn’t receive positive reactions due to this though, but I felt so .. light and did not feel bad whatsoever once I cooled down. I don’t have much, or at all, to lose anymore, and I’ll never speak my truth with any intentions of hurting someone. After all, it is someone’s choice to be affected by it or actually think about what I had to say, albeit it not being the best way to probably convey it, which I know I still need to work on. But I want to be a person to tell someone what I feel like they dont want to hear, but actually should, rather than the clouded white lies that will do nothing for them other than feed their mind with responses that will more than likely come to bite them in the ass harder when that time will inevitably arise again. And in the end, others can view me as rude or mean, but for once, I know if someone will take the time to listen and think about what is said, rather than how it was said (I really need to continue to work on expressing my thoughts the way I hope to without stuttering or not making sense), then I’m confident that they’d feel I only did so because I cared. I thought about this as well, the caring part and just staying quiet, but nothing good for me will ever come my way if I never authentically change how I am towards others. I realized I ended up alone because I had put on so many masks all my life, that even I probably wouldn’t have known whether to help myself if I had asked.

The only thing that bothers me is that.. will any of this even matter? Where do I honestly move forward towards (sounds weird)? I haven’t felt the feeling of “home” in the longest time, but have come to terms that it definitely is not a place or the things that surround myself under a roof. In no way am I trying to sound like a negative doodoohead, but I’d like to believe that I’m at the point where l want to share whats left of my spirit, heart, and mind to be associated with anything or anyone that can reciprocate any excitement in both growth and love towards one another. I don’t see myself adopting a child in the future anymore, and my naive dream of having a small family of my own is starting to seem .. well, nothing but just a younger Justin’s dream.

P.S. I’m glad I got to connect with Francis a few times earlier this year and jokingly told him I hated him for being able to experience my dream only a few weeks after the night we shared what we ultimately desired in life, and spent hours talking about our fears, bucket list, and goals before our time comes close to an end. I told him I felt like I got close, but blew it as always, and he suggested what he always had from day one, to leave this place. I actually responded back with how I felt even if I were to leave and.. well, eh that’s just actual guy life talk at that point lol.

It’s been four years since I’ve genuinely been happy it was my birthday, and I surprisingly still have so many photos of everything. White Claws and a 3 gram “Galaxy: Blasters of the Universe- Cognac Honey” hahaha. I would probably hibernate or act like a total fool if I were to even have those this year, it’s been 2 years since I even had a good blunt and alcohol in my system. Lol I cant help but smile right now. Thanks for the memories. I wonder when it’ll be til another memory tops that night lol. Im alone, but I feel warm at this exact moment, so this is where I’ll end my digital journal entry. (i need to buy myself a nice writing pen/pencil lol!)

[dzpenumbra]

8/17/23

I'm fucking exhausted so I'm going to try to keep this short.

My upstairs neighbor was thumping around every 10 minutes until 4 AM last night. I actually got to bed at a reasonable time and my bed was literally shaking. I have no fucking clue what they were doing, it was just like one or two thumps at a time so it wasn't even walking around but it was loud, like... sounded like someone was moving furniture. Steadily from midnight until 4. It might've continued past then, that's when I managed to fall asleep. I was fucking livid. But more just like... in physical shock from being jolted awake that many times in a row.

I still sleep with my staff in my bed. It makes me feel safe. You have no idea how tempting it is to take that thing and just bang on the ceiling (their floorboards) really loud. But honestly, I don't want confrontation, I don't want hostility, I don't want a war. I just want peace. In all senses of the word.

My back was hurting a bit this morning. I think it's because of sitting and doing art for hours on end. Speaking of... I just finished the celtic knot on my pants. The right leg one, at least... Just in time, the pants are getting mighty stinky since I've been wearing them skating for multi-hour sessions three consecutive days in a row, where I ended up pouring sweat. My plan is to wait until tomorrow night to give the paint time to dry, heat set the paint with an iron, then... maybe hand-wash them? Maybe just run them in the washing machine with other clothes? I don't know. I'm scared to put them in the wash, I haven't done that yet with this paint. I'm sure it'll be okay, but... I mean... I just sank over 6 hours into these pants this week. It'd be frustrating to lose it all immediately. But that's a problem for another day.

I did yoga focusing on my back, because my back was aching. It helped a lot. I ate breakfast, played some Elden Ring, then decided to go skating. Before I went... I sent a message to the Assistant Manager of the building. She's the woman who has been very friendly and kinda flirty with me. I wrote her about the neighbor. I fucking just finally got over it and did it, just like trying a new skate trick. I just wrote up what was going on - that I'm new to apartment living so I don't know how to handle this, how this wasn't a problem at all during the winter, how it only really happens a few days a week, and how last night was so loud and constant that I was genuinely concerned someone might've been having a medical emergency or something. It was deeply unsettling. I didn't put in any part about PTSD or anything, which is good progress for my fawning response. In fact, I didn't really feel any anxiety about writing that email, which was good. So I kinda just asked her... how the building usually handles things like this, whether I should go up and... guess(?) what apartment is above me? Should I leave a note? Does the apartment help mediate things like this since they have a "quiet living" clause in the lease, kinda similar to "quiet hours" in a college dorm? I figured the best way to figure this out once and for all was just to fucking ask. And I decided to ask the chick that I think has a thing for me rather than the head Manager, because... I don't want the Manager to feel like I'm wasting her time with a noise complaint. And I want the Assistant Manager to feel like I value her opinion, something Assistants don't often feel. We'll see how it turns out.

It's been a long time since I've done the whole "fire and forget" method with emails. I've gotten in that habit with this journal really well, but writing directly to someone is just a different animal.

Skating was good today. There was just one other person at the park. It had been raining through the night and a bit of the day, so the park was pretty wet... but I was able to work on some stuff. I tried ollie-to-manual on the A-frame box and got it one time. The other guy landed switch flip and switch front shove, which was very impressive. We both exchanged knowing smiles and cheers of encouragement, despite both of us having headphones in. It was a really nice vibe of kinship. Like... there wasn't pressure to talk or interact even though we were the only ones there. And we still interacted.

There is really nothing like the smile on someone's face when they land a trick they've been battling. Good lord. It's very similar to beating a boss in Elden Ring for the first time. I fucking love that about skating. It does get sweaty sometimes and people do like to compare and play skate and compete against each other and shit. And to each their own. But man, I love that people can really just get out of their own experience, and watch someone land their first boardslide after battling it for like an hour, and cheer as though someone just did something insane. Because they know how big every accomplishment is. And I love being someone at the park who helps project my warm emotions to help amplify their experience of accomplishment. To celebrate with them. You can say all day that kinship is about pushing people to go further, shit like that... I prefer the act of sharing in celebration of their accomplishments. Even just showing up to the damn park is an accomplishment worth celebrating.

That said, I was a bit shy today. Not with the ollie-to-manual or trying to boardslide the parking blocks again... but with the shove it. My shove its look infantile, and I'm very aware of it. And yeah, that's me comparing. In time, I'll get over that. I am where I am. Once the other guy left, with a smile and a wave, I started working on shove its. I had the whole park to myself. And... the fear was back. I couldn't make myself jump forward. It's so silly! Like... okay, this is how fucking irrational the fear is.

My fear is that I'm going to land too far on the back of the board and slip out backwards. Or... my balance won't be right and the board will go shooting out forward and I Looney Tunes my feet out from under me and fall flat on my back or smack my head. That's my fear. It's like a stereotypical banana peel fear. Now... here's the physics of a shove it. I pop the board with my back foot and scoop the tail backwards so that the board rotates horizontally 180 degrees, I hop and land back on the board over the truck bolts (ideally). Here are the physics of ollie-to-manual. I pop the board straight up, land with most of my weight on my back foot, riding on the back two wheels, and hold the board in manual until I get to the end of the box, then gently pop off. Which one of those two sounds like it's going to put me on my back? Yeah, seriously, the manual is so much more likely to toss me on my ass in exactly the way I'm fearing the shove it. But... I'm not scared of the ollie-to-manual that way at all. Figure that shit out.

It took a few tries but I got there. I landed quite a few shove its, over 10. I tried to do them moving faster and faster. Carrying speed with tricks is the real test. You can shove it on flat all day, but that doesn't mean you can land it moving or land it off something. And yeah, it was spooky, but I made progress and landed a bunch.

Ugh, a mosquito got into my apartment and bit my arm, it's all itchy now. :( We really got a bumper crop of bugs this year, all the rain and flooding and shit, it's been an absolute nightmare. When I rode home I was really glad I brought my sunglasses, because I rode through several clouds of swarming bugs and they just like... pelted off my face. It was gnarly. Some women out walking their dogs stopped me and asked me about the bugs after, I looked back and saw the gigantic cloud of them I just rode through, that I was completely unaware of because the light wasn't illuminating them from the direction I was going. It's nice to just... have normal human conversations with people. And nice to be treated as a human and a peer by neighbors. Skaters have gotten a lot of prejudice over the years, but this woman seemed totally fine talking to a guy wearing all black with a metal band t-shirt riding a skateboard with aviators on. And it was much appreciated. But I was wiped and headed out.

Yeah, so that was my day. Didn't land any new tricks, but I'll say this much... if I get my boneless 360 back, and learn how to consistently shove it? I will be at my best skating ability ever. I will have eclipsed my ability in my prime, in college. That's such a crazy thought. 10 years off the board, and I'm already getting better than I was back then. Because now? I have new tactics. I don't just avoid tricks that are scary. I have developed an override switch for scary tricks that I didn't have back then. I would just say "I can't do that", and just do different tricks. Now? Now I try.

The fucking neighbor stomped again. ... -_- I sent the email at like 5PM so I didn't expect a response today, but like... Okay, let me just explain my thoughts here. Say I apply for the teaching job. Say I get the teaching job, and I have to teach a class at 10AM 2 days a week. I really need my sleep schedule to sync with that, I need to be up at... I'd say around 8 or 9? So I can do yoga and shower and eat before class. So... for 8 hours of sleep, I need to be in bed at 12. It's fucking 1:45 right now and asshat upstairs sounds like Jack Torrance slamming the fucking tennis ball against the wall. I will not be able to sleep like that. And when I don't get sleep, my mental health immediately goes to shit. I get super anxious, I get depressed, I get irritable, and my trauma responses are like a hair trigger. It is the primary reason why this summer has been so difficult. So... if I get that job... I better be able to protect my sleep. Because if I get that job, it's gonna be hard enough just getting to sleep normally with how anxious I'll be, how scary it's going to be, and how intense it's going to be for my mental health to be the focal point of an entire classroom... Doing that on half a night's sleep? I'm genuinely afraid I'm just going to just straight up have a panic attack and have to excuse myself. Or just fucking lose the job.

Yeah, maybe I'm paranoid. But I think it's important to calculate that. And this is a known variable, lack of sleep clearly amplifies the fuck out of my anxiety, panic and trauma responses. I just don't need it. And for what? So some asshole in the apartment above me can stomp around at 2-4 AM as though they live in a barn or some shit? I put in the email that I didn't think this was malicious, and I mean that shit. I think these people are fucking stupid. I think they're oblivious and stupid. It just does not occur to them at all that they live in proximity to other people. Like a fucking object permanence thing. Like the second other people disappear out of their sight, their neighbors just don't exist. They live on the top floor of a 3 story building. And they wear shoes inside. And they do not walk with care at 2AM. Which is so fucking foreign to me.

But yeah, this shit needs to stop. If it was a weekend, I'd give a bit more leeway, but this shit happened on a motherfucking Tuesday and Wednesday night. Give me a fucking break, man. Bro is stomping around at 4AM on a Wednesday morning directly above someone's bedroom. At this hour? I fucking tiptoe around my apartment. And I'm always either barefoot or in socks, at all times.

They say "were you raised in a barn", but honestly? I have never in my life heard as much fucking domestic noise as I have apartment buildings in urban areas. People just straight up let their front doors slam behind them. Regularly. It's fucking mind-blowing. Not only is it loud as fuck and super inconsiderate of your neighbors, it's really not good for the doorframe, and that shit doesn't belong to you! Shit is so fucking strange to me, like creatures raised on another planet. But hell, maybe I am the weird one. All polite and mindful and quiet and shit.

Alright, I've got to get to bed. Fingers crossed this week's grocery guy isn't as bad as last week's, good lord...

[wherearemyspectacles]

Why I can’t hate pandemic?

In my experience, pandemic was the best and worst thing that has happened to me.

Pandemic may have tortured me emotionally and tormented my mental health but I wouldn’t trade it off anything especially now that I realized that there’s this new relationship I have created with my mom during the lockdown. Our relationship has evolved in a way that I never expected it to be.

A little back story, I have been physically away from my family for years. I would only take breaks and go home during the holidays. Vacation for me would usually last only for 3 days to a week and then I’ll be back to my regular programming which is work (or in the earlier days, school). I was comfortably living alone by myself for years. Being independent at an early age is such a liberating feeling. Teenage was fun for me, I guess. For years that I was too comfortable in my own space, the pandemic brought me back home.

Pandemic has also made me realize that:

“Ah yes, I forgot how to co-exist with my mom anymore.”

That is why we would constantly clash. What else should I expect? I would honestly say that it has taken a toll on both of us, especially her. I was such a pain in the ass. I am always rational and logical even if the situation never asks for it. I could’ve been more sensitive to her feelings.

On a different note, regardless of the countless times we argued and fight especially in 2021, I think it has only made us closer to each other. We learned more about each other everyday (we still are). I also accepted the fact that the person she was in 2012 has flourished to a better person that she is now. And I’m slowly letting her see though me as well.

Having said that, I’d like to believe that for the entire duration of lockdown I was able to respectfully tear her guards down. I was mindful of her feelings and emotions. I looked out for her. I made sure that I won’t trigger her in any way. In such a circumstance, I have created a safe space for her so she can finally open up about the tragic event in the past. There is so much joy in my heart when she finally trusted me enough to share “her story” word-for-word.

I am so proud of her as my mom and as a person especially now that she started to speak up. She has gone through so much in her life. She lost both of her parents, husband, older sister and her loving mother-in-law, who practically adopted her when she lost her parents. She basically lost all of the people close to her heart. I understand why she just chose to kind of shut up/shut people down and disconnect.

In my childhood days, I would catch her crying at the most randomest times. I knew the reason. She never knew that I knew. She protected us against it. I have the slightest idea of what had happened in the past but I never forced her to share the stuff that she’s dealing with. I would just try my best to comfort her and give a glass of water but I could only do so much as a kid. We never talked about it, I just wish she did. She would brush it off every time and then move on with her day. I trusted her pace. I would wait for so long for her to open up, but the moment never came. It definitely remained as the elephant in the room for sure. It was honestly hard to grow up with a functional depressive mother. As an offspring of a parent who’s dealing with PTSD, that shit fucks me up too.

Last night, I FINALLY got the heart-to-heart talk with my mom. I waited for my entire life for this to happen.

Although it took her more than 30 years long to open up about the past events in her life... at least I know now that she’s healing. Obviously, she had a meltdown again last night as she tried explain it to me in vivid details as best as she could. Tears came running down her face. She was having flashbacks for sure. Traumatizing it was. I cannot even begin to comprehend it. It’s just genuinely hard for me to wrap my mind around it. As an emphatic, I was crying with her as well.

I love her so much. The respect I have for her goes beyond not just as a mom, but as a woman and as a person. I couldn’t even make sense of how she’s still able to exude calm and peacefulness around the house even if she has a troubled mind.

Now I understand why she would sometimes get random brain fog. She’d forget our names and be a completely different person. Sometimes it would last 30mins to an hour. I read that trauma causes it. It’s a trauma response. No one knew about this, only us her kids, our dad, and her new life partner.

Strong is an understatement and for lack of a better word, I think she’s a superhero.

I love this woman so much!

Interesting fact: Today is the Death Anniversary of both of mom’s parents (my grandparents)

Mom, I wish I have your patience of a saint. You are, if not always, most of the time, calm and composed. You are kind. You are super down to earth that it would sometimes annoy me because you’d let other people step on you. You are humble and I love you for that. It taught me to ALWAYS ground myself as well. I love you. I don’t want you to grow old and see your hair turn grey. Please please stay youthful.

Love,

Bebs (your middle child)