#I’m so happy that she has so many outfits but I still wish she got a bdsp redesign like May did in Ora’s

[sugiarttime]

Some dawn doodles :]

[goldsainz]

THEY BROKE UP? — one shot.

pairing: daniel ricciardo x reader

MASTERLIST.

NOTE: i’m a sucker for angst😁 i don’t know why i felt so inspired, i have never been in a relationship. or what drove me to write that article, which i didn’t spend as much time on as you would think, i guess i was inspired. please enjoy this, happy danny ric grand prix (not anymore😐)!!! this is my longest social media piece to date (templates by @mybodywakesup)

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yourusername my EP “FWD” is out in all streaming platforms! this EP comes from a very deep, personal and heartfelt place. many nights of non-stop writing led to me putting out 4 songs i never would’ve released months ago. thank you for giving me time to come back as the best version of myself.

view all 30,707 comments

selenagomez I am so happy you released this! The world needs to see all of your talent shine ❤️

⤷ yourusername thank you for being there sel 🫶

ynfan1 I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR HOW HEARTBREAKING THIS WOULD BE

ynfan2 oh so we’re back to making us cry

dannielfan1 things i wish you said is so about daniel

user1 after 9 months of no content she just puts out four songs?

⤷ ynfan3 please read her newest vogue article before commenting things like this

alexademie i’m in love with you?

⤷ yourusername i’m in love with you too?

ynfan3 LONESOME BEST SONG!!!!!

When I got the call that Y/N Y/L/N wanted to do the article with Vogue, and that I was appointed as the writer I remember thinking ‘What will I say?���. There isn’t much to prepare you when a celebrity like her decides she wants you in her home, opening up about her hardships with you there to listen and write it all down. But, alas, I put my nerves beside me and took all of the questions the world wanted answers to, to the only woman who could answer them. 

Her house in the English countryside is just as perfect as you would expect. With dark mahogany floors, potted plants everywhere and white walls that are filled with different memories she framed, Y/L/N’s home is made for those who love the feeling of being at home. It brims with a cosy feeling, from the rugs she picked which bring an unexpected, yet welcome, warmth, to the open space that shows off her beautiful backyard. Y/L/N’s house is nothing short of exceptional. If each room were to speak to me they would all rave about how comfortable they feel, how there is no other that feel like a ‘home’ quite like theirs.

The moment I arrived at her front door, she was the one to open the door and greet me with a hug. There was no one but us at her house, nothing but the comfortable silence and the occasional chirping of a bird. Her outfit was casual, with some Stella McCartney jeans, a Prada silk blouse which she wears with the top 3 buttons open, and a pair of Hermes sandals, it all made her look relaxed whilst still looking polished. She offered me a single-couch to sit down on, offering me different options of beverages she proudly concocted. I opted for a refreshing blueberry lemonade, while she had an already drunk, half-full glass of orange juice. 

After what seemed like forever without her presence on red carpets, premieres or her famous F1 paddock appearances, Y/N Y/L/N created an enjoyable life for herself. She admits that even though there have been many hardships, she has pushed through them as best as she can. “Sometimes you just have to take a break, take a moment to look around and wonder what you really need.” She expresses, “This life isn't for everyone. I am very happy with how things turned out for me, and there is not one day I regret what I’ve done. But, there are moments in which things get out of control and space is needed.”

On the outside, Y/L/N has always appeared to the masses as someone who never falters in her step. From her modelling debut when she was freshly 18 years old, turning herself into the face of Prada back in 2012 when the whole world wondered ‘Just who is this girl?’. It wasn't long before she delved into the acting world, with her first role in 2014 for the critically acclaimed film ‘The Grand Budapest Hotel’ as ‘Agatha’. Everyone loved her, wondering what her next move would be, so the whole world was shaken when just a year later she released an album. ‘Honeymoon’ took the world by a storm, with emotional lyrics that only added to the mystery of who she was, Pitchfork said “It's an album about love, but "love", as Y/L/N sings it, sounds like mourning. The romance here is closer to addiction—something that's sought for its ability to blot out the rest of life's miseries…”. Nobody knows who drove her to write this, but the speculations never stopped, not to this day. On the inside, however, she struggled to know who she really was.

She talks about not having the right skills to cope with the sudden fame, how overwhelming it all would really be. Still, she never stopped putting out new content for her fans. Nobody could forget the girl who despite all the luxury that surrounded her, uploaded vlogs to youtube about her life. No one could take away her raw authenticity.

Maybe that is why when in May of 2022 her posts on Instagram, Twitter and Youtube came to a sudden halt, fans wondered what happened to her. What made Y/N Y/L/N drop from the face of the earth? Why did she stop appearing everywhere? 

The talk never ceased, the world could not let go of the woman they had grown up with and learned to love over a decade ago. “It was weird seeing all those rumours while I battled to know who I was. I tried as hard as I could to drown it all out, so I uninstalled every single social media app I had. I ended my connection with the world to reconnect with myself.” She says. “It was hard, but it was truly what I had wanted for a while.”

Since she appeared in the spotlight, her relationships or lack of, has been questioned. “I watched my female peers struggle to get away from their love lives, how every interviewer didn't care for the projects they were in, but rather who they were with at the time.” She recalls. “I was in a relationship with who I thought was the love of my life, for almost 7 years. It is rather jarring coming to terms that sometimes people grow, and that you are the one that needs out of a relationship which is nothing short of special. My concept of love was tarnished by a guy who was older than me, and another guy who was just as immature as I was. So naturally, I was swept off my feet when suddenly, all I ever knew wasn't how I thought it was.” 

Even now, after the heartbreaking experience she went through, Y/L/N only has kind words to say about the man she loved. “He is a true gentleman, he knew me like no one else did. I guess, along the way, I stopped knowing myself. That was the problem.” She says. “How can someone else know me when I don't even know myself? I asked myself that a lot. I like to think I know myself better now, I learned how to love every part of me, and that was the most rewarding journey. It wasn’t his fault, but I couldn't love someone else without loving me first.”

Self Love is a very important part of her life now. She puts her well-being over her need to succeed, something that made her iconic, was destroying her slowly. “Being an ‘icon’ to many stuck me in a box. There was an underlying feeling of having to always outperform others and myself, it was exhausting and that was how I started losing sight of myself.”

When talking about her future projects, Y/L/N expressed that she was “taking her time”. No more would she be walked over and feel pressured to put out new content, opting for a more relaxed and controlled lifestyle. Though she once was everywhere everyday, she now hopes to be mentioned when she does something valuable and not when she is merely existing. 

“I do have an EP coming out. It is just four songs, but I wrote them alone, and they are my most special songs to date.” She says. “One thing I do not want happening is for people I care for to be harassed or accused of things they are not responsible for. Music is a creative outlet for me, it is never made with the intention to hurt anyone.” She adds. “‘things i wish you said’ is my favourite. It’s the first one I wrote after my breakup, which makes it the rawest out of all of them. I think that's why I like it so much, the other three were written in different periods of my life, some even years ago. It will be fun seeing everyone dissect them.”

She decided to keep the EP to just four songs because all the others were too personal or she decided to keep them for another time. “I’m sure the world would love to know all the nooks and crannies of my past relationship, but that is something I would like to keep between him and me. I am ready to move on from all the pain, to leave it all in the past. If people want to remain stuck there, that is their own choice, I choose to be free and continue growing.”

Y/L/N’s journey is far from finished. She has not even turned 30 yet, but she redirects her narrative because it just does not fit her anymore. She is not that young 18 year-old girl who knows nothing, but rather a 28 year-old woman “ready to move on” as she puts it. 

At that point in our conversation, her previously relaxed demeanour has only grown. With her legs tucked on the black leather couch she has in her wide living room, an arm resting on a deep magenta pillow, she is in her own space. Y/L/N smiles and pays attention to every question I ask, she has no qualms in sharing. Though she sometimes opted to give no comment about certain situations, not once did she feel offended or made me feel out of place. 

As our conversation came to an end, she gave me one final piece of advice: “Only you can decide what's best for you. Once you learn how to manage other people’s opinions, there is nothing that can truly stop you from being uniquely you. Love yourself, you have one life, why live it in misery?”

liked by ynfan21, danielfan21 and 103,859 others

yndanielenthusiast i will never forget when they both posted the same picture to hard launch their relationship

view all 1,558 comments

ynfan22 what if this was my 13th reason?

ynfan23 we all remember where we were when this dropped

⤷ danielfan22 i woke from a nap, checked instagram and screamed so loud my parents thought someone died

⤷ ynfan23 so real

user21 missing them hours

ynfan24 nothing could’ve prepared for y/n confirming their breakup. nothing.

danielfan23 I NEED THEM BACK

⤷ ynfan25 THOSE TWO WERE LITERALLY MY PARENTS

liked by yourusername, redbullracing and 462,071 others

danielricciardo Don’t leave me hangin 🙃

view all 6,931 comments

ynfan31 y/n liking this😭

danielfan31 IM SO HAPPY HES HAPPY WITH RBR

ynfan32 say what you want abt y/n (don’t) but she’s handling the situation very maturely

danielfan32 he’s smiling while we’re all in shambles smh

⤷ danielfan33 right???

user31 I need him back on track asap

user32 am i delusional to think the caption means something else or…

⤷ ynfan33 yes.

⤷ danielfan34 yes.

liked by danielricciardo, taylorswift and 1,925,836 others

yourusername many things to come 🥂

view all 28,887 comments

ynfan41 istg if she says an album is coming

⤷ ynfan42 it would be crazy but i don’t think so

zendaya cheers to that!

liked by yourusername

user41 her smile <3

danielfan41 ariana what r u doing here🤨

taylorswift 🍾🍾🍾

⤷ ynfan43 I’M SCARED WHAT’S GOING ON

ynfan44 she has something cooking and i am not prepared

[soppingwetlegs]

MHA HeadCannons x fem reader (AgedUp!MHA guys (early 20’s))

Jealousy jealousy jealousy

************************************************

*********Katsuki Bakugo*********

soooo handsy, the moment he sees literally anyone looking at you he’s grabbing your waist, your ass, your hands, anywhere he can touch.

he will definitely full blown make out with you while making direct eye contact with the person looking at you.

“do you wanna die?!”

“the fuck are you lookin’ at, extra?!”

death glares every person you walk passed to make sure their eyes stay where they should be.

“I will obliterate you with you no hesitation.”

“You know you’re mine, right?” Of course you do, you smile and kiss his cheek.

“I’m gonna make you wear a bag over your head next time we go out.” he’s joking obviously…kinda..

absolutely NO hesitation to blow up on some rando in your Instagram comments. “WHO ARE YOU?! WHY ARE YOU COMMENTING ON MY WOMANS STUFF?! I WILL FIND YOU I PROMISE!!!”

loves to post himself on your social media stories, whether it be pics of him kissing you, holding your hand, his hand on your ass, you sleeping on his chest, etc. he’ll always caption it “just reminding her followers to stay in their fucking place. 💣”

definitely gives toxic vibes but he means well, wouldn’t be bakugo without a smidge of toxicity.

“I love you, woman…but dammit I wish you were ugly sometimes..”

**********Izuku Midoriya*********

honestly it takes a lot to make Deku jealous, he’s very comfortable with people looking at you because he sees it as admiration and takes it as a compliment.

sometimes people push his limits though.

“oh wow, that man has been staring at you for a while.” He’ll say as he moves to block you from the strangers eyes.

“excuse me, sir. you’re staring at my girlfriend, i know she’s beautiful, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that anymore, please.”

handsy but not too crazy about it, he’ll rest his hand on the small of your back or take your hand in his when he sees too many wandering eyes.

will always stand in front of you if you have to adjust any part of your outfit.

doesn’t hesitate to grab something for you to prevent you from bending over. “oops, no need to give anyone a show, they don’t deserve. I’ve got it, beautiful.”

ensures that the waiter at any restaurant you two eat at talks to him the most, he has no problem ordering for you.

“I feel like he hasn’t said a word to me since we got here. I’m still gonna tip him 20% of course, but I am not happy about it.”

always encourages you to wear his clothes when you go out by yourself. “I’m not jealous! I just think you’d be more comfortable in my shirt is all!”

prefers to stay in on date nights.

“You’re so beautiful, sweetheart. I’m starting to think it’s a curse.”

**********Eijiro Kirishima*********

genuinely finds humor in his own jealousy.

“what the hell is that guy looking at?”

loves PDA and will sometimes take it a bit too far and piss you off. only for a sec though. “sorry, babe…too much?”

he will absolutely walk over to the person checking you out and talk with them about how hot you are, encouraging them to flirt with you before walking over to you with them and laughing in their face when you tell them he’s your boyfriend.

“HAHAHA dude you totally fell for it! now keep your eyes to yourself, perv.”

love love loves when you wear revealing clothes for a date night just so he can be mean to strangers.

smirks at people checking you out before pulling you into a kiss.

“hey man, MY eyes are up here. got something to say?”

Denki is truly his biggest opp. “Dude I promise I will break every bone in your body if you keep looking at my girl like that.”

will carry you over his shoulder when there’s too many people looking at you. “alright, shows over everyone! let’s get the hell out of here”

“man how did i bag such a babe like you? it’s kinda infuriating.”

*********Denki Kaminari*********

literally doesn’t get jealous. just agrees with everyone that compliments or flirts with you.

“I know dude, she IS so hot.”

will purposely point at your cleavage and give a thumbs up to anyone looking.

everyone tries to mess with him but it just doesn’t work out.

“she’s way too hot for you, sparky.” he laughs “man, tell me about it!”

posts you all over his social media, treats you like an actual prize.

“how did i get so lucky?!😍🔥” “guys look how hot my girl is!!!” “she is unreal”

makes sure everyone looks at you at least once when you wear a dress or anything slightly revealing. “have you guys seen her?! I mean look at that!!”

he’s literally the biggest green flag ever.

loves to shower you with compliments and affection at any given time.

“I’m so lucky you’re mine…”

not jealous of literally anybody…except Shinso. “dude don’t smirk at my girl…”

***these were so fun to do omg. sorry if they don’t seem super accurate but they make so much sense in my mind lmfao***

[pacthesis]

our vietnamese tea ceremony

some may or may not know i just got engaged to a weird guy i met in college that (to put it lightly) i wasn’t too fond of but after like 2 years of snubbing him he somehow won my heart i guess

i scribbled a comic about it cause whenever people ask how i met him they sometimes get invested haha

some people also may have seen him on america’s got talent or cbs news or jimmy fallon or on tiktok doing his pizza man shenanigans lol

people often ask if he pulled me with his dough skills and i have to clarify i didn’t even know about the dough spinning hobby until after we started dating and he didn’t do the tv/media appearances until like 6 years into our relationship 🤣

my parents were both boat refugees from vietnam (they fled during the war when they were teenagers and met as adults) and i’m american- but we’re not really that “traditional” i guess

i think many viet people don’t get married or commit without having a tea ceremony haha

a hetero buddy asked who were my bridesmaids and when i told him i don’t have any he asked why and i just said “i like my friends” 🤣 (my childhood friends were there as guests though!)

i also didn’t want/ask pizza man’s family to bring the customary gifts cause i didn’t wanna cramp my style

basically the purpose of this event was for people to witness us getting engaged and be an opportunity for our families to meet one another!

5/23/2015 is when we started dating

for our first anniversary i got our initials and anniversary date stamped onto a penny and pizza man still carries it around 🥺

so 8 years later we got engaged on 8/5/2023

8 for august (8 years later)

5th of august (5 for the month we began dating)

year of 2023 (23 for the day we began dating)

i think people often go to a fortune teller or someone who knows what they’re doing to schedule important dates using the stars and other factors but my grandpa doesn’t believe in that and the rest of us aren’t really superstitious

we wore áo dài- it’s a vietnamese ensemble consisting of a tunic with a long front and back panel that is worn over pants

áo means “shirt/clothes” and dài means "long"

a lot of the time the bride wears red and the groom wears blue i guess but i wanted my outfit to look bridal when i imagine an american bride or a vietnamese bride!

i also wanted to wear a gold khăn đóng headpiece and to incorporate pearls to resemble what my mom wore when she got engaged to my dad

sunflowers are also my fav

(after we started dating i thought pizza man was tall and sunny like a sunflower haha 😭)

my makeshift shoebox altar- or as i like to call it: my “spirit pager” 😤

the double happiness symbol is two copies of the chinese character 喜 (xǐ) which means joy/happiness and red symbolizes luck for the couple

my mom asked if we should put up pictures of our deceased and i was like i don’t wanna make pizza man’s parents go out of their way to bring photos 😭

i think we were supposed to ask our ancestors for permission to get engaged or married or whatever but since my mom raised me to believe my life is mine to live i just announced it to em

as far as i know it’s not really a buddhist thing- ancestor worship is more of a vietnamese thing apparently

my mom said vietnam is a country with a lot of war and death in its history- so imo it makes sense how they incorporate the dead into their culture and traditions

after introducing each of our family members and friends- we lit a couple of incense to (casually) announce the news to our deceased grandparents and relatives

apparently burning incense is an invitation to ancestral spirits and to deliver wishes to predecessors

smoke from the burning incense guides people to safety or safe passing when they die- it also guides em back home on days like these

the spirit(s) depart when all of the incense has burned

next month is my grandma’s "deathiversary” (giỗ) so we’ll be paging her again soon

we used a tea set that was used to celebrate my 1st birthday to pour and serve (my pick) of vanilla caramel black tea to my grandpa and our parents

pizza man’s mom doesn’t like tea so i was happy i picked something she did enjoy!

but when my mom brought her family to america from vietnam- she asked them if they could bring a tea set specifically for me

my mom said it’s meant to be used to celebrate any of my special occasions

then me and pizza man said some nice words to each other and exchanged rings

my ring was pizza man’s grandma’s- his grandpa initially proposed with a smaller diamond but after he saved up enough he got her this bigger one

i don’t listen to any comments that suggest or imply this carbon rock is not humongous 🤣

pizza man paid to get it resized and to repair its prongs (it was well worn by grandma mercedes 🥺)

also found out my ring size is 3.25 (US) haha 😭

he also decided to get his grandpa’s ring resized and to wear it too!

my mom put this necklace on me- she says it reads “happiness” (i can’t confirm lol) but she received it from her mother-in-law when she got engaged to my dad

my mom was too scared to wear it after their tea ceremony cause it’s 24 karat gold and she didn't wanna wreck it

she said 24 karat gold hasn't been combined with other metals so it’s soft

i guess couples at viet tea ceremonies often get 24 karat jewelry- the idea is they can quickly sell it/melt it down for hard times

my mom also passed down her favorite jade bracelet and my grandma’s favorite diamond earrings to me 🥺

and on my 1st birthday my mom got a special ring made to celebrate my birth- she put it on a chain so the person i marry can wear it close to their heart

my mom also got a special ring necklace made to celebrate my sibling’s birth and gave it to their fiancée during their tea ceremony

it’s just the two of us so no more shiny token trophies up for grabs! 😤

i laughed when pizza man had to squat down so low so my mom could put the necklace on him 

after the ceremony i asked him if he wanted me to help him take it off (my sibling's fiancée keeps theirs in a safe cause she’s too scared to wear it daily) but pizza man was like "no i like it 😄" and wore it to sleep and showered with it and hasn’t taken it off since 😭🤣

at the end of the ceremony we lit the candles on the altar to represent the union of our families!

then we ate lots of food haha

my parents both cooked! egg rolls, fried rice, lo mein, bột chiên (fried taro rice cake)

my mom was excited because she knew many of our guests weren’t very familiar with vietnamese food and wanted to share that with them 🥺

and my dad was just so excited for me and pizza man and had so much fun getting the supplies and decorations 😭

my aunt and uncle and sister-in-law brought vịt quay (peking duck), heo quay (roast pork), gỏi tôm (shrimp salad), bánh hỏi (rice vermicelli), xôi gấc (sweet red sticky rice topped with coconut, peanuts and salt)

and pizza man’s mom and family brought lots of desserts

we have always been so amazed with how good their sweets taste and look! 🥺

we also got an ice cream cake

i wasn’t thinking and asked em to write “nicholas and amy lễ đính hôn” and they called me and were like wtf is this and i was like oh no it’s ok haha don’t worry about it! 😭🤣

we had some photos displayed but my sibling took lots of nice pictures of the whole thing!

i was happy i actually got the chance to spend time with and talk to everyone who came!

it went so well and we had so much fun that we’re thinking of doing something similar for our wedding- probably a backyard wedding haha

i was telling pizza man apparently some tea ceremonies have the first half take place at the bride’s home and then the later half is at the groom’s home 🤔

anyway reminder that leftover egg rolls can be reheated in the toaster

[cabinofimagines]

A Graveyard Smash

and here is the last one of the year! Hope you guys enjoyed our shorter but still there Halloween fics :) Pairing: Platonic the seven + a bunch of other ones x reader Word count: 2k Warnings: none! -Asnyox < prev.

You didn’t know what to expect from the grove as a party destination, yet you were slightly blown away. You noticed how most of the decorations were themed around the destruction of nature- pollution was replicated by snack stashes for the satyrs (and perhaps some fauns from Camp Jupiter, you were certain you saw Don somewhere sneaking around), there were red and yellow lights all around, simulating fire and there were many skeletons (which, given how Nico had immediately left after the group call two days ago, probably was courtesy of him). You didn’t know how to feel about the possible real skeletons laying around, so you opted to ignore the possibility of Nico summoning them. 

However, you also saw that Meg and her siblings had deemed that to be a rather serious theme to decorate in, so here and there you found some more, handcrafted of reusable materials, generic halloween decorations. Except for carved pumpkins. There were so many pumpkins, but they were all uncarved. You guessed they didn’t want to show actual body horror to the dryads. There was some old-timey Halloween music playing, although you were unable to find any speakers. Guess the trees to really speak to you if you listen.  

As you saw Leo and Jason’s costumes you just knew that Leo had bribed Meg to know what the theme of the party would be like. He must have, why else would he think of these costumes? You had to admit, you didn’t know Leo owned a hat this tall, but you didn’t put it above him to have crafted it himself. 

“I don’t think the Onceler’s hat was that big?”  You walked up to the duo, “Or the Lorax’s mustache that big.”  

“I am lucky to not have to deal with the orange paint,”. Jason grimaced. Leo elbowed him. 

“Say the line Jason!”  Leo whispered, loudly. Jason sighed and deadpanned. 

“I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees!”  Jason tried to make a more spooky sound at the end of the sentence, after which Leo jumped forward, borderline belting.

“How ba-a-a-ad can I be?” Leo’s ‘be’ ended, somehow, on a S-tone so it rhymed with Jason’s phrase. He was grinning proudly. Jason tried to hide it, but he did seem to get amusement out of his friends' behavior. You laughed. 

“Jace, I have to be honest with you,” you looked at your friend, “I had a bet with Nico that you would be a tree. Will won though, he guessed the Lorax.”  

“You had a bet?”  Jason shook his head, “Let me guess, you do have a spare tree costume and want me to put it on so you win?”  You laughed again. 

“I wish,” you turned to Leo, “How is your hat staying up when it’s this tall?”  

“Support beams made out of metal rods and foam!”  Leo’s eyes sparkled, “carton in between, I can show you after the party, I swear it’s so structurally sound. Annabeth would love to know the skeleton of. this hat.”  Leo pouted,“ It’s too bad she has been so busy with school lately, she would have loved to work on this thing together.”   

“Everyone was suffering under me indeed,” you sighed dramatically, intentionally showing off your outfit. 

“Wait, you’re-“ Jason got up real close to one of your sleeves, “That’s my English essay! How the fuck did you get your hands on that!” Jason shivered, “I still haven’t heard back from it, I sure hope I passed.”  

“I shalt not say, dear Grace, whether you passed or not,”. You smiled, “However, I have my sources and thankfully an amazing artist who hand copied all of your work.” 

“Luckily I do not have anything on here,” Leo laughed, “Dying was the best decision for that.”

  —- 

You found two sheet ghosts with cowboy hats a bit further out, talking to each other. 

“But you’re so cute though!” Hazel exclaimed, “I’m sure Nico meant no harm.”  

“I know it was just weird seeing that.”  Frank sighed, “Hedge seemed really happy though.”  

“Boo!”  You yelled and the pair jumped up. After a second Frank leaned back. You couldn’t see his face underneath the sheet, but you figured he looked upset. 

“That’s our line (Y/n)!”  He faked exasperation. 

“Yeah! We’re the cow-boos after all!”  Hazel snickered while saying her phrase. 

“Cow-boo? Oh- I get it,”. You smiled, “Yeah that is funny.” 

“It doesn’t seem like that when you say that,”. Hazel sighed, “Well, what are you then?” 

“Oh, for you I have my left leg,”. You smiled deviously, “Praetor's have a lot of paperwork after all.” You held out your leg. Frank and Hazel moved their eye holes to see more clearly as they bowed down to take a look.

“Uh Frank,” Hazel hesitated, “I think we forgot something.” Hazel pointed at your knee, “I did not fill out this document which we had to hand in yesterday.” 

“I did uh, I did not either.”  

“Fuck” they said in unision. 

“Also how did you get these?” Hazel sounded panicked, “These are classified documents!” You laughed.

“Look, most of my costume is deadlines,” you added a spooky ‘ooooooohhhhhh’ to the last word, “but for you two I also choose to be a security breach. I can give you the name of the one who gave Calypso the files.” 

“That would be great.” Frank said, “Uh, Hazel, maybe we should quickly IM someone at Camp Jupiter about the deadlines we missed.”  

“Yeah, also (Y/n) you better hide your legs or we will steal your pants.” Hazel glared at you. You slowly backed away. 

“How about dinner first?” You joked, as you ran for it. 

——

You quickly weaved around the crowd, trying your best to get away from Hazel and Frank. You stumbled into what seemed to be the heart of a gathering. On one side of the circle you had Rock, Paper and Scissors. On the other side you had The Argo II, together with the seven demigod heroes who defeated Gaea. 

Except that Will was just standing on the side. You joined him quietly. 

“This was Nico’s plan?” You asked him and he sighed, 

“Yes and he stood on me being Percy.”  Will looked at you, “As if he wanted to rub in that Percy was his first crush.” 

“You look nothing like Percy though,” You laughed, “You’re blonde.”  

“Nico wanted to force me to wear a wig,” Will shook his head, “I opposed him, wigs are itchy.” Will smiled softly, “Although the Cocoa Puffs are adorable, and it warms my heart to see Hedge in his element like this.” 

“I look nothing like Will!” Percy’s voice sounded loudly. He seemed offended, “At least Frank looks really cute.”  Percy pouted. One particular Cocoa Puff puffed out their chest in pride. Nico stood in the middle of it all, dressed at what you assumed to be a Reyna costume, as Reyna stood next to him, dressed in Nico’s clothes. Nico could hardly stop smiling at the reactions to the Cocoa Puffs. You were about to ask Will something when

 “BAM!” Hege yelled as he hit you from behind with a blow-up bat, “YOU JUST GOT ARGO’ED!” 

“Amazing,” you looked Hedge up and down. He was wearing a boat around his middle, and on his head was a … Festus Hat? Hedge looked like an excited child. 

“Whatcha think, huh? Valdez even delivered on the hat!” Hedge let out an excited bleat, “Although it was all the kids idea,” he pointed at Nico, “I’m really happy to be included though! It’s been a while since all my cupcakes were in the same spot with me! And now I even got two batches! OH! I see Zhang over there, gotta hit him too!” And Hedge ran off. 

After a moment of silence Will and you locked eyes, and both started laughing. 

“He’s having a blast,” Will smiled, “Nico was right to get Hedge involved. How’s the scaring going?” Will turned to you. 

“Hazel and Frank are panicking about some forms they forgot and the security breach,” You grinned devilishly, “Jason is just mostly disappointed, and I still have to show the Rock, Paper Scissors trio my outfit.” 

—

Annabeth hated your outfit. Whether it was the fact that you got her only failing grade paper on the back, or the fact that she did not want to think about the last minute mistakes she made in two of the other papers she would not tell you. However, she did say she would find Leo to, and you quote, ‘definitely not set fire to your costume and ruin Calypso’s hard work’. Percy held in his laughter until Annabeth was out of earshot. 

“So where’s my work?” Percy eagerly looked around your jacket, and you pointed him towards  the sleeve. 

“Sally was eager to give it to me, she seems proud of your grades, even if they aren’t that high.” you said, and Percy had a bit of an embarrassed blush on his face. 

“Whenever I get a passing grade she keeps it,” Percy explained, “to remind me what I am capable of.” He was still inspecting your arm, but suddenly stopped, “Wait, is this- I wrote this when I was 7!” he was now a mess, “Please don’t tell me you read it.”

“I did, Percy.” you cackled crazily for a moment, “Percy Jackson or should I say Aqualad!  I am your embarrassing past!” Percy glared at you. 

“Just because I wrote a Aquaman and Little Mermaid crossover does not mean I wanted to BE aqualad (Y/n).” 

“I think it does,” Piper spoke up, “Also I appreciate the effort but I will not be looking for my work, thanks.”

“Aw, Pipes, come on,” you begged her but she shook her head. 

“Deadlines cannot be scary unless you face them, so I am procrastinating.”

“Unfair!” you glared at her, “Piper Mclean I will come for you! You can run, but deadlines always catch up to you!” 

After a moment of silence all three of you laughed. 

Your moment was interrupted by Meg calling for attention. She was dressed as Gollum, while Apollo stood next to her in a Frodo outfit. A bit further in the back stood who you guessed to be Grover from the satyr legs, dressed as Gandalf. 

“It is time to announce the winners of tonight's costume contest!” she yelled, and everyone cheered, “We have seen many amazing costumes, but one duo certainly blew us away.”

Percy, who still stood next to you, breathed out a soft ‘dam’.

“What? You really thought you would win with ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’?” you whispered and he just looked at you.

“I could dream okay?”

“Please come forth!” Meg paused, “Gideon Nav and Harrowhark Nonagesimus!” After a moment, filled with cheers, Calypso and Thalia took the stage looking absolutely stunning and creepy. Calypso was dressed as Harrowhark, with intricate face paint and basically wearing a skeleton around herself. Thalia was Gideon, with more shabby facepaint, the iconic sunglasses and with a six feet claymore on her back. They both bowed, looking up smiling. 

“By my rules,” Meg continued after a moment, “You get to decide where to host next year, so where will it be?” 

Thalia and Calypso looked at each other and Thalia shrugged, “I don’t know where I will be with the hunt, so it’s up to you Calypso.” Calypso looked a bit panicked, before taking a deep breath. 

“I guess it will be at the Waystation then!” she announced, and there were loud cheers from the crowd. 

As the party resumed, you hoped Calypso would be earlier with the invitations than Meg had been. After all, working with deadlines was pretty scary.

[theunbearableweightofpedropascal]

Starting the year off right

Warnings: SMUT 18+, oral sex, fingering, p in v, slight foot fetish if you squint.

A/N: Suprise, I wanted to try my hand at a smutty New Year's fic

Summary: Frankie is tired of Benny setting him up with the worst people, but he may change his mind after seeing you.

Word Count: 3k

“Frank, c'mon you really think I would set you up with someone you wouldn’t like?” Benny slurs while he places his hand on his best friend’s shoulder.

“Yeah because you did.” Frankie rolls his eyes as he thinks of Mya. “She started calling herself my girlfriend after one date dude. I’m not even gonna get into the wedding album she made after 1 month.”

Benny winces, forgetting about that slip up. To be honest he didn’t know her that well; he just thought she was nice, and hot. “One time dude and I’m trying to make up for it by introducing you to my girl.” 

The girl in question being you. You had met Benny at the gym when he kicked some asshole guy out for harassing you. Turns out he owned the gym and made sure to tell you to come ask for him directly if something similar happens. Although you didn’t have any more incidents Benny and you struck up a friendship, even working out together when you were both free.

You weren’t nearly as outgoing as Benny but once you got comfortable you wouldn’t shut up about anything. Benny was shocked by the switch being flipped but it allowed him to get to know you more. He realized you would be perfect for his best friend Frankie even if neither of you knew it. Although Benny was sure he needed to be sure so he had you meet Will over lunch. 

If Will signed off Benny knew Fish couldn’t say no, Will is everybody’s voice of reason. After the lunch Will confirmed what Benny had already suspected but he told his little brother not to involve him in some elaborate plan. 

Francisco still doubts Benny’s match making skills but decides he could just let the girl down gently. Will notices his hesitance and decides to step in. “As much as I hate saying it Benny is right, she’d be perfect for you Fish.” Although he didn’t want to be roped into a stupid plan, he still wants his friend to be happy so he vouches for Benny’s set up.

With Will co-signing Frankie’s doubts lessen, if Will thinks he should try it out maybe he should. It’s not like he himself is getting anywhere in his dating life. He just hopes that the girl isn’t crazy like last time.

……..

Walking up to Benny’s door you feel the bass from the music vibrating throughout your whole body. Your nerves cause you to doubt the outfit you picked out, the strappy heels paired with a barely there black dress. Your boobs looked bigger than you’d ever seen them. What if everybody else is just wearing jean shorts and t-shirts and here you are dressed like you’re going to the club.

Unsure of if you should just walk in or text Ben you’re here you bite the bullet and check the door first not wanting to take him from his hosting duties. It opens up and the even louder music has you reeling back like you’ve been hit. You take a peek at other girls' outfits and let out a sigh of relief when they are dressed just like you. Closing the door behind you, you go off in search of Benny.

You didn’t realize he knew this many people but then again he could probably make friends with nuns. He wasn’t in the living room, on the porch, or by the makeshift dance floor so you cut your losses and head to the kitchen for a drink. You walk in to find three men in the middle of a conversation you almost turn to leave before realizing you recognize two of them Will and Benny. Benny immediately barrels over to you scooping you up in a tight hug and spinning around, with the amount of energy he has you realize he must be tipsy. While he spins you, you manage to wish everyone a Happy New Year’s Eve.

After he puts you down you greet Will with a side hug and look at the unknown man before you. He’s wearing a gray sweater that stretches at his shoulders from how broad they are. The black jeans he’s wearing frame his legs perfectly, but you find yourself drawn to his thick thighs. Finally you look at his face and see how handsome he is, his patchy beard making you swoon like a 9 year old with a crush. 

“Fish this is the girl I was telling you about,” Benny places both hands on your shoulders and you look up to smile at Fish while Ben tells him your name. “And this is Franciso Morales, my very best friend.” Everyone laughs at Ben’s antics. 

“Will I think someone’s calling us over there, would you excuse us for a second guys?” Nobody was fallin for Benny’s bullshit line and Will did follow him, but not without throwing a smirk at Frankie.

Once they’re out of the kitchen Frankie gets a chance to drink you in. The mini black dress you were wearing hugged your body like a glove. He felt like a creep for ogling how great your tits look, his favorite part were your legs in those strappy heels. It was something about the way the heels framed your legs, making them look fresh out of a painting. Frankie wouldn’t say he was a foot guy but the way your white toe nail polish looks, he might be rethinking.

Frankie winced before breaking the awkward silence, “I’m sorry about that he’s always setting me up.” But he has to give it to Benny this time, he may have actually pulled through. 

You feel your face get hot and you manage to stutter out, “I didn’t know he was gonna do that I would’ve prepared or-” you don’t even know where you were going with that sentence so you stop altogether. 

Frankie thinks you’re more than prepared but he doesn’t voice it. “Do you want anything to drink?” He awkwardly motions toward the counter of fully stocked alcohol.

You survey the expanse of the counter swearing off dark liquor. Wanting to loosen up you opt for shots of vodka. After three you turn to Frankie who has raised his eyebrow before saying, “No chaser? You’re stronger than me.” 

You make sure to take an extra long look at his arms and chest before responding “I highly doubt that.” Once you realized what you said your eyes widened, you only had three shots and your mouth was already loose. 

Frankie takes it in stride and laughs clearly flattered and amused by your delivery. “How’d you and Benny meet?” He’s curious to know how you two crossed paths.

“Oh I went to his gym, but I didn't know it was his at the time, and this guy would not leave me alone. Benny had to step in and kick him out since we wouldn’t take my no for an answer.” Frankie blood boils at the thought, from what he could gather you seem like a quiet girl. He’s sure that asshole took advantage of you not wanting to make a scene. “But after that Benny was the one who couldn’t leave me alone, we started working out together and hanging out outside the gym.” You conclude your story while staring up at Frankie’s chocolate brown eyes, you swear they sparkle. 

“What about you? How did you guys meet?” You ask curious to know. 

“Oh I met Will first because we were in delta force together, somehow Benny squirmed his way in too. Somehow he became everyone’s annoying little brother.” Although he acts annoyed you could tell he truly cares for Benny. 

“Aww isn’t that sweet.” You coo at him before asking, “You gonna nurse that beer all night or are you gonna take a couple shots with me?”

Frankie takes you up on the challenge knowing he’ll regret it in the morning, but he’d never been able to say no to a pretty girl. The both of you down three shots before looking up at each other with loose grins. 

Before you could get the chance to ask Frankie if he wanted to dance you felt something push you. Your eyes widen with the realization that you are heading straight into Frankie’s chest. He catches you by the waist and you capitalize on the opportunity to squeeze his biceps. You look up only to find Frankie not even looking at you, his face full of anger toward the guy that bumped into you. He heatedly tells him, “Watch where the fuck you’re going.” He immediately checks on you, wondering if you’re ok.

You manage to giggle a little before squeezing his arms, assuring him you’re perfectly fine. The both of you just stare at each other, you have a goofy grin on your face and he peers down at you with a soft look. “Did you wanna dance Fish?” You ask not forgetting the weird name Ben used. He responds with a nod and only takes one arm from your waist guiding you to the dancefloor. 

All your shyness from earlier has dissipated, the vodka had done its job. The song playing you recognized as one of Megan thee stallion, you waste no time in turning around and placing your ass directly on Frankie’s crotch. He wastes no time placing his hands on your hips and letting you take the lead. 

You take your time slowly grinding on him while placing your hand on the back of his neck, pulling him even closer. Frankie’s breathing becomes uneven at the way you’re moving against him, making his dick strain against his zipper. You feel how hard and heavy he is, encouraging you to slightly bend over more. “Shit,” Frankie can’t help the groan that follows. His resolve breaks and he moves against you with the same vigor as you. At this point the two of you were just dry humping but it’s not like you’re the only ones. In fact everybody on the dancefloor was doing some form of it.

If Frankie keeps going he knows he’ll cum in his pants so he squeezes your hips and turns you around to face him. He’s taken by surprise when your lips capture his in a wet, sloppy kiss. His hands travel further down until you feel him cup your ass, releasing a satisfied moan from you. Frankie takes his chance and slips his tongue in your mouth, licking and playing with your tongue. 

Surprisingly you pull back first but before he could question it you take his hand guiding him off the dancefloor and toward the steps. Once you reach the top you open the door to the bathroom and pull Frankie in with you. He has you pinned to the bathroom counter, no space between your bodies whatsoever.

“What do you want, cariño?” Frankie has to ask because he knows exactly what he wants but he needs to hear you say it. 

You bring one leg up to wrap around his waist and subtly grind before answering, “You. All of you.”

Frankie hooks his hand under your knee pressing his hard bulge even further into your core, giving you exactly what you need. You thank him by kissing his neck, you know you’ve found his sweet spot when he stutters for a moment while grinding into you. This only spurs you on and you start licking and sucking on that spot wanting to leave your mark. You hear his uneven breathing in your ear, his hand grips your leg harder trying to find purchase somewhere. 

When you're satisfied you lick a trail all the way from his neck to his mouth. The both of you finish where you left off with the last kiss, devouring each other. You moan into his mouth when he grinds against your clit just right. Deciding you want more you trail your hand down his chest and start fumbling with his zipper. He takes you que and gets down on his knees, right in front of your pussy.

He takes his time trailing his hands up your legs, wanting to commit everything to memory. He finally lifts up your dress ready to pull down your panties, only for him to find you’re not wearing any. He looks up at you with his pupils blown wide and you can feel the lust radiating off of him. Frankie takes one leg to put on his shoulder before his tongue licks a stripe on your already wet pussy. You can’t help the moan that came out.

Your hands grip the edge of the sink for stability while Frankie flicks his tongue against your clit. With your eyes rolling to the back of your head, you start to rock your hips against his tongue. You run your fingers through his hair managing to bring him closer. His hand moves from the back of your leg, past your upper thigh, to rub at your entrance. The action makes you cry out for more.

He obliges you when he puts in two thick fingers. He rubs at your walls trying to find your g-spot, he knows he’s got it when your leg tightens on his shoulder. Your hips rock feverously against his mouth while he sucks on your clit in tandem with his fingers. As rubbing your g-spot you feel yourself clench harder and harder. From the tension in your body you know you are close, but Frankie pulls away both his mouth and his fingers.

You go to whine but he swiftly stands up and turns you around so you face the mirror. His large hand on your back urges you to bend over, when you do you feel the cold air hit your wet emtrace. He slides his cock between your lips trying to get it wetter, when he finally slides into you you let out a gasp the same time he grunts. You feel how thick he is as he slowly fills you up. 

When he finally bottoms out you look up at him in the mirror only to find him already staring down at you. While maintaining eye contact he rears his hips back and snaps them against your ass making a loud squelching sound fill the bathroom. He picks up his pace causing you to once again find purchase on the sink edges. All you can do is grip the counter and moan his name, while his balls slap against your puffy lips. 

The both of you become alarmed when you hear shouting sounding from outside of the bathroom. Frankie is quick to pull out and crack open the door, but neither of you are no longer worried once you hear the guest counting down to midnight. Since all worries of danger are gone Frankie resumes his position this time placing a firm hand on your shoulder. His unrelenting pace has you gasping for air that seems limited in the small bathroom.

Frankie hears the cheers of guests signaling the new year, sliding his hand under your chin he pulls you up for a sloppy kiss. Both his tongue and his cock invade different parts of your body. Your hands grip the counter as you feel yourself get closer, Frankie’s cock rubbing your sweet spot has your mouth watering. 

With your peak crashing over you like a wave you fall flat on the counter like jello. Frankie utilizes your jelly-like state to lift one leg onto the counter to give himself a better view. Each of his thrusts moves you back and forth on the counter. The filthy sounds that fill the bathroom become louder. The aftershocks of your orgasm have you clenching down on him involuntarily.

As he gets closer he no longer pistons his hips he instead cages his body over you and ruts himself into you. With his head thrown back, you feel the warm spurts of his cum filling you up. Unable to stop yourself you clench as hard as you can milking him, his head drops to your shoulder as he lets out a loud groan. You both stay like that until you feel him leaking from you, moving to get up he takes the hint. 

You barely make it to the toilet before you plop down willing yourself to pee and let his cum leak out of you. After finishing up your business you see him pulling up his pants and fixing them before he looks in the mirror. He inspects your handy work before turning to you with his eyebrows raised. 

You grimace before explaining, “I got a little carried away. Can you blame me?” You emphasize your point with your thumb and pointer finger. He laughs at your explanation and moves behind you while you wash your hands. Frankie's hands find their way to your hips once again as he plants small kisses on your neck. 

“It’s only fair I give you one back.” You giggle as he mouths at your neck looking for your sweet spot. But the moment ends when there’s pounding at the door. You hear Benny’s muffled voice telling you to get the fuck out of his bathroom. Both you and Frankie can’t help the cackle that escapes, you are out of breath at the prospect of being caught like horny teenagers. When you finally open the door to reveal an angry Benny he’s shocked to find you two. 

Soon enough though he smirks at the both of you an ‘I told you so’ on the tip of his tongue until he remembers why he’s there. He pushes past the both of you mumbling how he needs to piss, you and Frankie hot tail it out of there. Right before you head back downstairs you hear him shout about how it ‘reeks of sex’ in there. After another laughing fit, you and Frankie wish each other a Happy New Year suddenly feeling a little awkward. 

Frankie turns to you while scratching the back of his neck. He asks, “Do you think I could get your uh number?”

“I just had your cum dripping out of me and you’re nervous to ask for my number?” Frankie’s face turns beet red before you decide to stop teasing him and give him your number. You set a reminder on your phone to give Benny an edible arrangement for setting this thing up. 

[amazingmsme]

Okay but what about some of your favorite headcanons that aren’t tickle related? For Curt and Owen, or any of Hatchetfield, whatever you wish. Just curious to hear what you’re thinkin’! 🎤

Think I’ll stick to the spy boys for now just so it won’t get too long cause I already know I’m gonna get carried away lol

So just like we see at the beginning, Curt & Owen love fucking around with the bad guys they find on their missions & “use them for sport” as Owen says. & they love to rub it in their faces just how damn good they are that they can just use them for fun in their own little games

Sometimes they get more roughed up if the other is the one interrogating them. They’re both masochists who never want to admit defeat, so yeah they’ve walked away with blood & broken bones (only minor breaks but STILL)

Curt loves playing with the spy gadgets regardless of how many times Barb tries to warn him, or how many times he ends up hurting himself with them zksvksjaz. He never tells her when he does it tho because that will just end up in a lecture

Curt & Owen will mock each other’s bosses to make each other laugh after they get chewed out for being dumb & reckless

They have to share hotel rooms quite often to “save the agencies money” & before they actually got together it was just straight up torture for them

The first time they had to share a bed on one of these missions, they were both freaking out internally & trying to play it cool. But then Owen found out Curt hogs all the blankets & suddenly he wasn’t feeling so smitten, just pissed off & cold

They flirt in the job soooo much it should be obvious at this point

One of the first epiphanies that Owen has about his partner comes when Curt fixed his tie for him & Owen was a little off his game for the rest of the night because he kept thinking about Curt’s hands so close to his throat & his lips in perfect kissing distance

They absolutely help each other pick out their outfits when they go undercover

After they get together, they play a game where they talk about what their lives would be like if they weren’t spies & they just make up a whole ass fake domestic life for them where they adopt a dog, then a cat (as practice) & when they’re “ready” they adopt a kid & have a happy lil family

They also play this game where they pretend they went into different professions & make up different ways they met each other

Curt is great at poker & wins most of the time they play

Before they met, Curt really wasn’t a tea guy, but Owen makes him “real” tea & makes him realize he actually likes it as long as it’s made right. Perks of dating a Brit

They have matching daggers carved with the other’s name. The height of romance

Cynthia has her suspicions about them, but they work so well together she couldn’t care less. That’s none of her business & tbh she couldn’t care less

Curt is actually a pretty good cook because he’s a momma’s boy & helped out in the kitchen any chance he got. But once they got together, he wanted to blow Owen away with his skills & made a candlelit romantic dinner with garlic bread & spaghetti & meatballs & a huge salad & Owen was literally speechless. YES they did the lady & the tramp thing where they kiss on the same noodle & they kept trying until they got it right!

Ok I held off long enough, here’s a few nsfw headcanons. No minors beyond this point, I’ll kick your ass

Ok but they’ve LITERALLY had a dick measuring contest. Like, they got out the tape measure to see whose is bigger. & no I’m not gonna say, y’all decide for yourselves. There’s no WAY I’m sparking that kind of debate

They legit take turns on who tops & bottoms

You’d expect it to be rough kinky sex, but it’s actually the most tender lovemaking ever ok they love each other more than anyone & they take their time exploring each other’s bodies

Of course when the time is right they absolutely get kinky with it

Their fake interrogations take a turn like 50% of the time (only after they’ve killed everyone in the building)

Even the interrogations that don’t end like that still get them both all hot & bothered. Owen especially loves the roleplay element

They kinda really like the thrill of almost getting caught so they’ve definitely hooked up when others are around

Ok that’s all I got. If you stuck around this long congrats, here’s your prize ⭐️

[hayffiebird]

Taste of Strawberries, chap. 40 (part one)

Hayffie Post-Mockingjay Multi-chapter, Rated M

Four years have passed since the end of the war when Effie returns in to Haymitch’s life once again. An old friendship is renewed. Will it lead to something more?

Meanwhile Panem has entered a new era. The rebellion’s over, the borders are open but in the shadows, anger and mistrust are smoldering. Something that will affect Haymitch and Effie’s life in a way they never saw coming.

Author’s note: As always, dearest readers, thanks for supporting ToS through likes, reblogs, kudos, bookmarks, follows, favs, comments and messages! You fill my hayffie beating heart to the brim and I’m so happy you enjoy reading. Happy New Year to you all and I wish you the best 2024!

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for chapter 40, both part 1 and 2. Mentions of sexual assault, physical and mental abuse, eating disorder, suicide and animal cruelty.

Chapter 40

The writing on the wall (part one)

God, he needed coffee! Something strong at any rate.

Arms loaded with laundry Haymitch pushed inside his guestroom, a towel wrapped around the waist. The dirty clothes landed at the foot of the bed and he parked himself next to it. Cautiously so as not make his head explode.

Effie wouldn’t let him help with the twins. He offered but all she did was tell him to stay put while she carried them upstairs. One at a time.

Her excited murmurs fluttered in through the wall. A groan, more like a whine, slipped between Haymitch’s lips and he rubbed his face, still dripping from the shower. Big mistake. The room tilted. Like a bloody ship. Aspirin. I need aspirin.

Breathing through his nostrils, he sifted through the pile of yesterday’s clothes. Not a minute in, the silver hip flask dropped to the carpet with a sloshing sound. He peered at it, like finding a patch of strawberries. Or a rattlesnake. He hesitated, then plucked it. Cleared his throat. Swallowed what felt like a bucket of phlegm and gave the flask a little shake.

More left than he expected. But then again, Mr. Neighbor Whose-Name-He’d-Forgotten had been more than generous last night. All those stowaways in cupboards and cabinets. Apple whiskey. Passion fruit vodka.

He unscrewed the lid. Inhaled. Relished in the sting of those fumes. Inviting. Familiar. Full of promises.

But he could almost hear Effie’s voice, low and dangerous like a Buttercup growl,

“Go ahead. Do it. You’ll be on the next available train before you can say ‘Happy birthday!’”

The words were enough to cork the flask up. He headed for the garment bag instead. The one Effie laid out for him. Draped over an armchair.

The towel dropped to his feet but Haymitch paid it no mind. Curtains were all pulled and no one had any business going in here in the first place. Well, Effie possibly. But she‘d seen him naked so many times she wouldn’t bat an eye.

Z-i-i-i-p!

He peeked inside. Suspiciously.

Hm. At least I won’t be punished with a tuxedo in August.

He draped the outfit across the bed, having a proper look. Yeah, it could’ve been way worse. This was “casual” or pretty close. Something you might wear on the beach. A white floral shirt, patterned with soft green leaves and baby blue … forget-me-nots? Dress pants with room to breathe. Even a pair of underwear.

In short: a worthy male counterpart to Effie’s strawberry dress that she would have worn had he not ballooned her up via a twin pregnancy.

He pulled the shirt on. Worked the buttons, save the last two. Unlike her own self, post-birth, Effie knew his size down to the T. Still! Pants on he ran a hand through his damp hair. Combed it with his fingers.

Really, he’d got off easily.

Don’t fuck this up.

The quest for coffee brought him downstairs. Gray skies. Sun gone. Fingers crossed, they’d make it through today without a downpour.

He had but a second to relish in the empty kitchen before he realized it wasn’t.

Annabel stood by the counter, bent over a glorious chocolate cake the size of a small district. With deft, dexterous motions she piped out buttercream swirls through a star-tip, all along the edges. One more elegant than the last. He recognized the frosting technique from the bakery. And in the middle of the creation: a lone, unlit candle shaped like a teddy bear.

“Hey,” he said to say something. “That is some cake.”

“Thanks,” Annabel replied, eyes on her work. “It’s Eden’s old recipe.”

“That your sister or …?”

“Our nanny. We had many coming through but she was always my favorite. And she baked a chocolate cake every time one of us had a birthday.”

“Must’ve been a lot o’ cake.”

“I guess.”

They lapsed into silence. Annabel wasn’t the kind of woman who cared for pointless chatter and Effie’s spirit loomed over him, nudging him forward.

“I’m really sorry ‘bout last night. Don’t know what the fuck happened. That’s no excuse but …”

“I don’t need your sorrys, Haymitch.”

The words were spoken without anger. Without distance. No more heat behind it had she asked “Can you pass the marmalade?”

Haymitch gave a slight nod. Point taken. His eyes wandered across the room. The stack of plates. The pretty glasses. The napkins yet to be folded. “Something else I can do?”

Annabel’s hands stilled. He just had time to ponder if he said something stupid when she put the star-tip down and looked him straight in the eye. The sight pinched his insides. Chocolate brown eyes, holding within them the ghost of her father. Caesar Flickerman. Whom at the least expected moment would spring forward and send his 16 year old ass flying back into that plush interview chair of long ago.

But this wasn’t Caesar. This was Annabel. Just Annabel.

He waited for the berating, the chew-out, the more than fair scolding. Wondered if she’d serve him a dish he hadn’t already gotten over the years from Effie, Peeta, Katniss, Hazelle … The list was endless really.

Annabel brushed a lock from her forehead. Using her wrist, what with her fingers stained with chocolate. And the words finally uttered were the last he ever expected to spill from her mouth.

“Do you know we had a fall-out? Effie and I.” His surprise must have shown for she nodded. “Oh, yes. This was years ago. Before Kane and Alexander. Even before I became a spy for Plutarch.”

Leaned back, she rested her palms against the edge of the kitchen counter top.

“In the Capitol that Snow molded like a lump of porcelain clay … well, him and Volumnia Gaul, the Trinkets and the Flickermans weren’t even supposed to be friends. We’re all the top 1 % to the rest of Panem but there’s a strict hierarchy also within the city. But I guess Effie’s already told you all about that.

The higher up you go the less important the Trinkets get. There’s a reason you won’t find their name on any tape in any archive, before Effie became a Games escort. They’re wealthy enough but new money and trifle in comparison. In the eyes of the big dogs the Trinkets are what their name suggests: Knick-knack. Fool’s gold. Of little value.

We became roommates at the Academy through a simple error, nothing more. One I could have easily corrected had I reported it to professor Sickle. But why on Earth would I? She was so much fun. So fun and full of life. Extremely ambitious. Hungry to prove her worth, up to the point she sometimes didn’t see the forest for all the trees.

And a fashionista, of course. Oh yes. She loved her dresses! I barely knew her family existed but one hour with her and it was like I’d known her all my life. I wish I’d met her sooner.”

The woman fell silent.

“The Flickermans were part of Snow’s circle. The inner circle. One of five grand families moving in his orbit. The Heavensbees were another. The Cranes a third. So while Effie had play dates with people like Flavius Dolittle, I ‘networked’ over at the president’s mansion. From the moment I was born I belonged to Cordelia Snow.”

Haymitch’s eyebrows creased together.

“Cordelia?”

“Yes. His oldest daughter.”

“I thought he only had one.”

“Mm-hm.” Annabel’s voice was dry. “That’s what he wanted people to think at any rate. But he fathered four children, whether he liked it or not. Two boys first, back to back. I reckon a woman in Livia Cardew’s position wouldn’t dare otherwise. Two strong, blonde, sturdy little gentlemen with dimples to carry on his legacy. 18 months apart as is the ideal between your first and secondborn in the Capitol.

Oh, the citizens all but devoured them and it wasn’t until a few years later that they came sniffing back for a baby girl Snow. They adored the idea of a little briar rose. Adored and expected it. And before long, their first lady was pregnant again.

It almost killed her to have her. And the moment the girl was born it got clear something was wrong. Wrong in the eyes of the Capitol, at any rate. The light skin. The snowy hair. The red eyes.”

“Albinism?” Haymitch asked. He’d read about it somewhere. Annabel nodded.

“And there was something wrong with her foot as well. Some kind of birth defect. Even after multiple operations done by the finest surgeons the Capitol had to offer, she still walked with a limp. She was a slip-up in Snow’s eyes. A blunder. A chapter you didn’t particularly like and so you leafed through it as quickly as you could. When the baby was first presented to him, did he entertain thoughts of eliminating her? Seneca once told me that the president, and I quote: ‘takes pride in not being wasteful. He takes life for very specific reasons.’ So, at the end of the day, I guess he saw no reason to kill his infant daughter. Maybe that’s how unimportant she really was to him.

He still needed a girl, of course. A proper girl, worthy the name of Snow. And he got one, years later, despite the doctors’ verdict that his wife would never bear children again. His miracle daughter. A rainbow baby, at least in his book.

After that, Snow wouldn’t give Cordelia the time of day. Not the way he did the two boys and his youngest: ‘A once-in-a-lifetime beauty that people will write poems about.’

His oldest was brushed to the very corner of the Capitol’s eye. ‘Too sickly’ to preside over the Hunger Games or any other televised event alongside her family. The Capitol wasn’t that interested in the gangly, odd-looking, never-smiling girl anyway. Not when they had the little sister with her long eyelashes, lush curls and cute little hand-wave.

You’d think being confined to the mansion like an embarrassment, would turn miss Cordelia into a rebel but no. The little girl worshiped her father. Idolized him. I spent most of my childhood in her company. Apart from Tigris, Cordelia was the lowest of the Snows but she was still a Snow. A piece that would strengthen her father’s empire one day once she came of age. So, she never lacked company. Her rooms were always filled with girls, carefully handpicked. Saplings of prominent family trees going back generations. Not friends. More like ladies-in-waiting. All eager to win her favor, and yet I was the one she gravitated toward. Right from the start. I used to come home covered in bruises from where she pinched me. ‘Love taps’ as the grownups called them.

I think, of all the people in my life – even before my mother and father, before my sisters – Cordelia was the first to figure out I like girls. I remember when we were eight or nine, playing with her doll house, just the two of us that day. How those peculiar red eyes bore into mine with a fire that made me cower in fear.

‘Have you ever kissed someone?’ she asked. I didn’t know what to say and she never gave me the chance. Her little hand took mine with the grip of a child getting what she wanted. Then her lips pressed to mine and I was so chocked I couldn’t move. I just sat there – frozen-still, eyes open – until she bit my bottom lip so hard I shrieked and tasted blood.

I was scared to death of her. But I soon realized how dangerous that was. To be anything but delighted in the presence of a Snow. Just as it was dangerous to be anything but delighted when watching the Games.

The Capitol was a prison. A fancy prison but a prison nonetheless. We never suffered the way the districts suffered. We didn’t starve. Our names were safe from the reaping bowl. But life under Snow’s reign wasn’t a bed of roses either. Not in the way you may think. For every petal there was a thorn and if you weren’t careful they ripped you to shreds.

Do you know the suicide rate used to be sky-high in the Capitol? Especially among young people. Up to the point Snow created a new law, charging the family a penalty fee if your child jumped in front of a train.

Like most people, I learned to keep my feelings on the inside. Made myself a master of self-control. But back then I was still a child. And I dreaded the Games season every year. Since they wanted Cordelia out of the spotlight, Mrs. Snow arranged slumber parties during those weeks. At the mansion. Just for her daughter and her closest friends.

Big television screens. Loud girls dressed in their finest, packed tightly on sofas and recliners and pillows on the floor.

And food. Tables loaded with delicacies. All of Cordelia’s favorites. Way more than any of us could finish. Plates just carried in and carried out. Hours and days and weeks of leftovers just scraped into the trash while kids, kids like us, starved and died on the screen.

How many of us understood what was really happening? That the scenes played out wasn’t just some pretend reality witnessed through a camera lens? Watching, I wondered if I was going crazy. Wondered why no one seemed bothered by the nightmares unfolding before our eyes. The cold hard reality of those boys and girls pitted against each other. Children whom had done nothing wrong.

Every single one of us spectators were born into families whose wealth and privilege were built upon piles and piles of dead children and we could all stomach it?

I think that’s when my struggle with food first started. During those annual slumber parties. Even years after they released me from the psych ward there were still moments when I gagged on my food because images from the Games flashed in my brain.

Not Cordelia. She soaked up the Games, like a sponge. Each year getting just a little fuller.

They kept animals at the mansion. Snow may not spare her a minute of his time but he never questioned the expenditures when the girl wanted a new puppy. A new goldfish.  A batch of kittens. Without hesitation, without remorse she’d stab a tortoise shell with a corn holder. Clip a bunny’s paw with a stapler. Break her songbird’s wing and give it to the cat, watching the warbler fight for its life. I tried to stop her. Truly I did. I begged her to leave her pets alone.”

She held her arms out, palms up. Haymitch’s eyebrows came together getting a clear look on what he’d only glimpsed before. Cuts. Marks. Scratches. Pink reminders, not of Annabel’s unhappy mind like he thought, but another child with sharp objects. Scars not so different from his own.

Her arms dropped to the sides.

“Her own family didn’t care whether she lived or died. She hardly ever got to see the world outside those walls. Maybe torturing creatures smaller and weaker that herself gave her a sense of control. Made her feel big and powerful.

Maybe she hoped it would draw the attention of her father. Show him she was capable of doing what he already did to those children in the arena. In many ways she was his most loyal ally. Maybe he would have noticed, seen the potential in her, had she lived longer.”

To be continued …

[jedimasterbailey]

Hello there, Bailey! How we feeling about Ahsoka Part Five?????? I am so unwell, I loved every bit of it and I was wrecked emotionally 😭😭😭 💜

ALEXEI!!!!! Oh my god you have no idea how big of a smile I get on my face whenever you inbox me, I love it 🥰 And I’m with you, I’m still recovering emotionally from it 😭

Anyhow, I will admit that Ahsoka part 5 is the best episode of the series so far. For once I wasn’t angry or disappointed (I must admit I’m not a hard core Rebels fan so everything up to this point has been frustrating for me) because I was finally seeing the one thing that I think many of us have been dying to see which is Ahsoka reconnecting with Anakin post ROTJ. I absolutely loved the flashbacks and I loved every moment of Ahsoka and Anakin together, I only wished we had more! I love that we got to see teenage Ahsoka with the mind of a much older Ahsoka realizing how distressing her past really was, etc and finally making peace with it. Absolutely beautiful and I was smiling from ear to ear just seeing all the Clone Wars characters again from Rex, to Ahsoka in her Padawan outfit and green lightsaber, to Anakin in his Clone Wars armor. Just amazing and it hits so good when you’ve been watching the Clone Wars since you’ve been a kid! Seeing animated stuff come to live action is truly something.

With that being said, there are a few things I wish we could see (that I doubt we’ll see in this show and that’s fine but I’d love to see it nonetheless). One, I wish Anakin would apologize to Ahsoka for all the trauma he’s inflicted on her as Vader and for all that the Clone Wars have put her through. We saw Obi-Wan apologize to Anakin in the Kenobi show (and let’s be honest here, the only one responsible for Anakin’s fall is well ultimately Anakin), so I’m not sure why that has yet to happen with Ahsoka. She deserves all the apologies but I digress maybe we’ll see it elsewhere because I do believe Anakin and Ahsoka have much to talk about still. Two, I wanna see Barriss! Barriss is such a HUGE part of her past and literally changed the trajectory of her life so why it’s still never discussed is a mystery to me. However again, I think that’s not relevant to this show but when it comes to the story of Ahsoka as a whole, I do believe Barriss needs to return. Like you can’t have a Obi-Wan show without Darth Vader, so why not have Ahsoka make peace/amends with Barriss? Omg can you imagine a live action Clone Wars flashback with Ahsoka AND Barriss?! 😍 Oh I would be in happy tears! ☺️

What did you think my friend? And to everyone else out there, I’d love to hear your thoughts! 😁

[frozenmikan]

Aoyama Nagisa's Life Until She Became a Voice Actress for Love Live! Superstar!!

Header image provided by Young Jump Weekly. Photography: Sato Yuichi

In her first ever essay, Aoyama Nagisa, a voice actress from the Love Live! Superstar!! franchise, details the path she has taken to get to where she currently is from the very beginning.

A photo from a ballet recital during early elementary school. Taking a closer look, you can see that my front teeth are missing since I was in the midst of growing adult teeth.

Aoyama Nagisa, known for her role as Hazuki Ren in Love Live! Superstar!!, is a voice actress with many young fans. Besides working as a voice actress, her work ranges from serving as the “Imadoki Girl” on the TV program Mesazhi Television to appearing in magazine gravure photoshoots with the tagline “Voice Actress Most Wanted as a Girlfriend”.

Even as she devoted most of her early years to ballet, she joined a band in middle school in blatant defiance of her teacher’s wishes. Today, we bring you an autobiographical essay detailing her unexpected route to becoming a voice actress for the Love Live! franchise.

A mother sends her daughter to ballet class upon seeing her dance to Love Machine

When people meet me for the first time, there’s a high probability that they’ll compliment me for my good posture. I spent thirteen years learning classical ballet, so it actually feels more natural for me to be sitting perfectly upright. In fact, it’s to the point where people constantly tell me to relax, that I don’t have to be so tense when talking to them.

Now that I think about it, I remember my teachers saying something like “There’s no need to be so nervous” almost every single time I attended a parent-teacher meeting. I wasn’t actually nervous at all, so I got accustomed to responding with, “This is just how I naturally sit”. It’s been eight years since I quit ballet in my first year of high school, so I’m really glad that I’m still being complimented for my posture.

I started ballet because of my mother. When I was two, she saw me singing and dancing to the rhythm of Love Machine by Morning Musume on the living room table. Apparently, that’s when it struck her that I might have a talent for dancing.

Apparently, she played music from all kinds of different genres to find out whether I had a good sense of rhythm and a natural affinity for dancing. When I learned about this incident, I could not help myself from thinking that parents can be quite scary… By the way, I have an older brother, but he’s terrible at dancing, so he didn’t pass my mother’s dance audition.

My mother also started dancing from a young age, though it was something other than ballet. But, she thought nothing could beat the expressiveness of an experienced ballet dancer, so she decided she’d make her daughter learn ballet if she gave birth to one.

Thankfully, I was the kind of girl to break out into song and dance every time I heard music playing, so I attended ballet school according to my mother’s wishes. The expressiveness I developed from my years of ballet still helps me in my work to this day, so I have nothing but gratitude towards her for introducing me to ballet.

In both elementary and middle school, I had to attend ballet classes right after class. The ballet school I attended was very strict, and some girls broke into tears while practicing. Obviously, we barely ever got praised for our performance there. Because of that, even now, I’m still not accustomed to receiving praise or hearing words that make me happy, so I tend to react rather unnaturally when it does happen.

A photo from my school's cultural festival during my third year of high school, in my club outfit together with my friends.

A transition from ballet to volleyball, which she hated

Because I grew up thinking that being in a tough environment was a given, I joined the girls volleyball club in high school, which was famous for being the toughest club there.

I knew several upperclassmen who ended up at the same high school, and when I told them that I’d be joining the volleyball club, every single one of them told me to reconsider. Not a single one of them told me it was a good idea, and that actually made me all the more curious to find out what kind of club it was.

I wanted to join the volleyball club precisely because I hated the sport! Receiving made my arms hurt and would sometimes even give me scabs, and volleyball was the one sport that I felt like I was bad at during gym classes, so I wanted to overcome that. I myself have no idea what I was thinking. Not even now.

That incomprehensible line of reasoning gave me the idea of joining the volleyball club, but there was actually another incident that cemented my decision.

On the day of my high school entrance exams, just as I was nervously walking towards the examination venue, a current student called out to me and asked, “Are you okay? Just nervous? Don’t worry, you’ll be fine!” It was as if a kind goddess had just spoken to me, which immediately filled my heart with warmth.

It turned out she was an upperclassman from the girls volleyball club, and she had been tasked with guiding candidates to their examination venues. The way she handled the situation was so incredible that it made me decide to join the volleyball club so I could become just like her.

Besides just playing volleyball, the girls volleyball club at my school was a club that expected its members to not fall behind on their studies while also proactively taking part in the school’s activities, such as organizing tours for potential students and patrolling the school during our cultural festivals. That was precisely why all of my upperclassmen told me without hesitation to quit the volleyball club if I wanted to enjoy my life in high school.

As I expected, it was really tough and there were indeed people who quit, but I felt like a tough environment like that actually suited me better.

Having loved singing from a young age, I went for karaoke sessions with my family.

Joining a band to spite her middle school teacher?!

This happened a little earlier, but during the new year break in my first year of middle school, I heard the song Kimishidai Ressha by ONE OK ROCK for the first time. That song got me completely hooked on rock music, and I joined my school’s rock band club as a guitarist and sub-vocalist.

I was still doing classical ballet at that time. Just imagine it. A middle-school girl in her school uniform, a guitar case on her back, and her hair up in a bun for ballet. Quite the sight, isn’t it?

I was also right in the midst of my rebellious phase back then. I was trying to recall what made me decide to join a band, and I happened to hear something interesting from one of my relatives. Apparently, I had even written about it in my graduation essay.

The middle school I went to was rather strict and strongly emphasized traditional values. I had a teacher there who didn’t have a good impression of band activities.

At that time, I was also the class president, so this teacher of mine constantly mentioned their high hopes for me and praised me for being an upstanding student. I started wondering why I was the only one being told that despite everyone else also doing their best. That incident made me feel very strongly about how my teachers really ought to treat every student fairly.

Of course, I was glad that they had high hopes for me, but as someone who has had a strong sense of justice ever since I was a child, I could never ignore what I perceived as injustice.

The very teacher who had high hopes for me mentioned something about how they thought a rock band wasn’t appropriate for the school’s image, which made me decide to join the band just to spite them. I decided that it was my duty to change their impression of the club, to show them that there was nothing wrong with it.

I even wrote about the incident in my graduation essay. Reading it now, it was so edgy that it’s actually quite funny. I’m really surprised that it got approved.

Although I do think it’s a good trait, every once in a while, my strong sense of justice would bring me into conflict with the people around me. For example, I never tolerated bullying, no matter the reason.

When I was in middle school, I became the target of a group of bullies after defending a friend from their bullying. Because of that, there was a period of time when I was so frustrated with the situation that I just curled up in bed crying, not wanting to go to school. But, because I knew full well that breaking into tears at school or in turn saying bad things about them was precisely what the bullies wanted me to do, I pretended to be fine no matter what they said to me.

Me when I was a child, feeling happy after eating ramen.

An unforgettable phrase from a friend that quit school because of bullying

Perhaps because my bullies got bored of me not reacting at all no matter what they said, they eventually stopped. Most of my classmates just pretended not to notice the situation, for fear of becoming their next target.

I can put up with it when people are giving me a hard time, but the one thing I cannot stay quiet about is when someone else is being given a hard time. When I see someone in need of help, I would confront the group of bullies alone, telling them to knock it off.

Around that time, a friend of mine, who always said “I’m fine” with a smile no matter how much she got bullied and how many unreasonable things happened to her at school, decided to quit suddenly. She told everyone around her that she was quitting because of something that was completely unrelated, but every once in a while, the sadness at not being able to do anything for her still gnaws at me.

What was on her mind when she said “thank you” to me, when I last met her? I will never forget the times when she forced a smile onto her face as she talked to me.

To write this essay, I asked my mother for stories from when I was younger. Apparently, a similar thing also happened in elementary school. I had a friend with a disability, which got them into conflict with my classmates quite often. Let’s just say that my other classmates did not take very kindly to them.

I don’t remember what I did back then, but apparently, my homeroom teacher told my mother something like “I’m very grateful to Nagisa-chan, who’s always on their side.”

Besides that, when I saw my grandfather blow up at my brother for not finishing his homework quickly enough, I went up to my grandfather and started hitting him, saying, “Don’t bully my older brother!” I was three at that time. By the way, I was the only person in the family ever to hit my grandfather like that. At that time, my grandfather was what you would call the supreme head of the family, so even all my relatives were speechless. They were like, “What on earth is this kid doing?”

Apparently, seeing what I did also emboldened my mother. “If even a three-year-old kid thought the situation didn’t make sense, I have to do something too. I need to get it together.”

Because of my personality, I’ve definitely had to spend a lot more effort than necessary to maintain my interpersonal relationships. But, because of my personality, I also naturally became surrounded only by people with kind hearts. I will forever pray for nothing but happiness for the people who truly care for me.

Image provided by Young Jump Weekly. Photography: Kuriyama Shusaku

Header image provided by Young Jump Weekly. Photography: Sato Yuichi

This is an essay penned by Aoyama Nagisa, best known for voicing Hazuki Ren from Love Live! Superstar!!. In the first half of her essay, she talked about spending most of her childhood learning ballet, and how she fought against bullying when she was a student. In this second half, she talks about the setback she faced after enrolling at a university with the goal of resolving problems in conflict zones, her beauty pageant days, and how she became a voice actress for the Love Live! franchise.

A selfie from when I was in university.

A privileged child’s encounter with reports of war

I was given the opportunity to attend classes for the things I liked from a young age, and was brought to visit any place I wanted to visit, so I am well aware that I grew up in a privileged environment.

Due to my father’s influence, I developed a habit of watching the news on NHK almost every day, ever since I was in elementary school. News about conflicts would particularly hurt me. I constantly thought about the people who were born into war, people who knew nothing but war. How would they live after the war eventually ended?

Watching news stories and documentaries about children who lost their parents and, because they are left without anyone to support them, fall into a life of crime made me wonder whether there was anything I could do for them. In middle school, I started thinking about working in a job that would help protect the human rights of the people in active conflict zones.

I then found out that the place to learn about the field was the Faculty of Policy Studies at Chuo University, so, in my third year of middle school, I decided that I’d work towards enrolling in Chuo University.

When I was in high school, I had the chance to read the book Disarmament is My Job by Seya Rumiko, which left a strong impact on me. The book made me realize that peace wasn’t a natural consequence of the end of the conflict and that the sadness and hatred of the people involuntarily involved in the conflict do not just vanish without a trace once the conflict ends. Collecting weapons from the populace to prevent a conflict from happening again, giving vocational training to former soldiers who knew only how to fight, and teaching them how to live, was a process known as “disarmament”.

I became convinced that this was what I wanted to do in life, so I started to research what I needed to learn in university to achieve my goal.

I found out about a political scientist, Prof. Mekata Motoko, who conducted lectures on international cooperation at the Faculty of Policy Studies at Chuo University. I came to the conclusion that if I managed to enter Chuo University, I’d definitely take her classes because it would lead me towards my goal. Before enrolling at Chuo University, I attended trial seminars conducted by Prof. Mekata, and the thought of joining her research group after enrolling and spreading my wings overseas filled my heart with anticipation.

After I managed to successfully enroll in the Department of Cross-Cultural Studies at the Faculty of Policy Studies, I immediately started searching for an upperclassman in Prof. Mekata’s research group to find out what I should do to join her research group. I went to see my upperclassman, eyes sparkling with anticipation for taking the first step towards my new life, with a face full of hope and a spring in my step. But, that was when I was told the shocking truth.

“Oh, apparently Prof. is going overseas next year, so her classes won’t be offered.”

What…? Indeed, that was the bell signaling the end of my life.

Me performing The Last Night of the World in the musical Miss Saigon during a university festival.

What kind of expression does one have on their face upon realizing that their hopes and dreams have shattered into pieces?

Students could join Prof. Mekata’s research group starting from their second year in university. But, just when I was supposed to start my second year, she’d be going overseas.

I was devastated. My future was pitch black. I enrolled at Chuo University because I wanted to join Prof. Mekata’s research group, but she wouldn’t be here?! You might wonder if something like that could really happen to a person, but it really happened to me. I had prepared myself to study hard in university and immediately head overseas to contribute to the field of vocational training after graduating, but my dreams were shattered the moment I stepped foot into university.

Now, what was I to do?

Though I wasn’t completely sure, I had heard that she’d only be away for a year. Some of my coursemates already mentioned that if Prof. Mekata would be returning after a year, they’d take a leave of absence for a year just so they could join her research group. What should I do? Taking a leave of absence… That would work… Right? But that’d trouble my parents. I decided to give up thinking about the research group. The moment my dreams vanished before my eyes was not one of sadness or disappointment, but one of determination.

Because of that single event, the direction of my life changed completely. I wanted to find something that I could completely immerse myself in during my days at university, so I decided to join the musical and acapella clubs without too much thought. I got into musicals after performing in The Sound of Music at the cultural festival during my last year in high school. That got me completely hooked, and during university, I’d sometimes watch a musical every week.

Also, when I was in high school, I frequently looked forward to singing, harmonizing, and playing the guitar together with my friends on the school roof. That made me think that the acapella club would be a good fit for me, and I decided to join.

I found that I enjoyed myself and derived a greater sense of satisfaction the more I improved in both activities. So, I practiced almost every day. I soon got accustomed to that pace of life and started wanting to aim even higher. However, in every club, there’s usually quite a distinct split between those who took club activities seriously and those who prioritized having fun. I was in the former group.

I knew that I couldn’t force anyone to come along with me given that it wasn’t their job to participate in club activities. So, to make it to the environment I desired to be in, I knew I had to take myself to an even higher level. That was when I decided to aim to become a professional.

Me wearing a wedding dress for the prize-giving ceremony of the beauty pageant I took part in.

Throwing the envelope containing job fair pamphlets her mother prepared at the door

When I was still learning ballet, I made it through the auditions for the well-known Tanimomoko Ballet Company and had the chance to perform at the Tokyo Bunka Kaikan.

It was my first time in such a large venue, with lights so bright that I could barely keep my eyes open, music performed by a live orchestra, and cheers and applause louder than I could ever imagine. That moment left such a strong impression on me that I still remember it vividly, even now. I could never forget how amazing the view from the stage looked, and I’m sure some part deep within me longed to return to the grandeur of the stage.

With my future path set, I decided to challenge myself to take part in a beauty pageant near the end of my second year of university. There’s a stereotype that beauty pageant participants all want to become news announcers, but I constantly emphasized my desire to become someone who sang and danced on stage for a living instead.

During the beauty pageant, I conducted livestreams at seven in the morning every single day of the week and put all my effort into maintaining my social media presence. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that I spent all twenty-four hours of my days on it. In the end, I was crowned the runner-up. I didn’t manage to win the beauty pageant, but I was sure that the experience I gained there would definitely be useful for my future activities.

I knew that the path leading towards my goal would be full of challenges, but I continued doing my best even after the beauty pageant ended. Because I was treading on an uncertain path while all my friends were in the midst of job-hunting, my parents constantly fretted about my future.

One day, I found an envelope containing information about a job fair on the living room table when I got home. I thought that was of no use to me, so I threw it out without even taking a look. A few days later, my mother once again tried to offer me brochures for a different job fair, but I told her I didn’t need them, not even bothering to read them.

A few days after that, I found another similar envelope on my desk. When I saw that, I threw it at my door, saying, “I don’t need this!”. Why aren’t you supporting me, even though I’m taking this so seriously? Aren’t you supposed to be the ones who know that the best?

I was so frustrated that I broke into tears. I knew full well that my parents were just concerned and completely understood that they were suggesting that I take a different path because they didn’t want me to lead a difficult life. Even so, I didn’t want to give up and continued with my singing and dancing lessons with the determination to take hold of my dreams.

Messages I received from my relatives during the last day of Liella!'s first live tour. Next to me is my cousin, who is a huge Love Live! fan.

The first-ever Love Live! open auditions

Around that time, I received a message from my cousin that read, “Love Live! is having an open audition! Wanna go for it?”. My cousin is a big Love Live! fan, and thanks to her telling me things like, “Go watch the anime!”, “This song is super good so go listen!”, and “Yazawa-senpai is the best!!” I too became a Love Live! fan. A role in the Love Live! series would have everything I wanted to do: singing, dancing, and acting.

When I found out that Love Live! was holding its first-ever open audition, I immediately decided to apply. After making it through the many rounds, which included singing, dancing, acting, and self-introduction rounds, I somehow managed to make it through!

As the judges for the audition evaluated everything that I’d been through up till that point in time, I was almost crushed by uneasiness. But, I also found myself thankful that I managed to give everything I had. That was also the first time I fully acknowledged myself and the effort I put in. I was also relieved that I had finally managed to soothe the worries my parents had over my future career.

I debuted as the voice of Hazuki Ren in Love Live! Superstar!!, and have been given many opportunities to perform live as a member of the school idol group Liella!. Since starting my career as an artist and voice actress, I’ve also been offered new opportunities such as being involved in activities related to sweet potatoes, which I love, as well as recitation plays. It may not be much, but I believe that I’ve managed to achieve something worthy of note.

Perhaps because I finally managed to give them peace of mind, my parents now fully support my activities. When I get home, they watch the television shows I’ve appeared in over and over again, and listen to my new songs until late at night. Their actions make me realize just how much I’m loved, which really reassures me.

I’ll do my best to challenge myself to do all kinds of things so that my parents, who have always been there for me, can stay happy forever.

Image provided by Young Jump Weekly. Photography: Kuriyama Shusaku

Author: Aoyama Nagisa Editor: Nishinaka Kenji All photos were provided by the author herself

Aoyama Nagisa was born on May 16, 1998 in Tokyo Prefecture. She is 155 cm tall and graduated from Chuo University. Her hobbies include watching musicals and playing with little birds. Her specialty is classical ballet, and loves sweet potatoes. Currently, she voices Hazuki Ren in Love Live! Superstar!!. She's also currently serving as the “Imadoki Girl” on the TV program Mesazhi Television airing on Fuji TV, and holds regular livestreams on her Niconico Channel "Aoyama Nagisa no Katte ni IMO Kyoukai".

Nishinaka Kenji, a free writer, editor, and commentator, was born in 1978. Besides working as a news reporter and penning interviews, he is also in charge of editing gravure shots for weekly comic compilation magazines. His non-fiction book Hinatazaka46's Story, which follows the path taken by the idol group Hinatazaka46, is a hit that has sold more than 100,000 copies. He is also a contributor to the independent review magazine ARAZARU.

Translator: xIceArcher Quality Check: Yujacha (@yujachachacha)

[rodolfoparras]

!!! Mars does get over his internalized homophobia and !!! He ends up with Damien😋 he gets along with Lucien (Damiens son) pretty well as Mars was major punk in his teen/young adult years (he still has his piercings and a few little tattoos) Lucien thinks he's badass even if he doesn't still dress all punk anymore🙏 Damien is very appreciative that Mars understands his son so well because he was low-key confused about half the shit Lucien says or does😭

Also Mars wears a white tank top with ripped black jeans and bulky belt😋 (so he dresses like Logan Howlett basically because damnnn is that outfit so😍)

Mars gives Lucien some of his old clothes, with permission from Damien ofc, like old leather jackets, a patch vest, some accessories💪 and Mars' daughter loves gardening!!! She sees Damiens fancy ass garden and is so impressed she asks him so many questions about how he takes care of it, where he gets his seeds, etc. Their kids getting along with the other was definitely a big part in Mars and Damien moving forward with their relationship🙏 because no matter how much ya like someone if your kids don't vibe with them, it's gonna be a huge mess

And just gonna say that Damien absolutely loves biting and being bit, Mars comes back from Damiens house and has so many bites all over his neck but Damien is even worse, luckiky his usual attire hides it but when he's at work??? He has to cover up with his makeup because there's so many bites you'd think he got attacked by an animal😭 the bites are all over his torso and thighs too😋 Mars is so feral, bro is pent up and finally has a pretty boy to fuck🔥🔥🔥

Also !!!

I'm rewatching the xmen movies so I can be caught up for deadpool and wolverine (whenever I watch it) and Logan in the first movie with no shirt underneath the jacket???!! The way he cares so much got Rouge??? husband material and rather material I gotta breed this man immediately🔥🔥🔥

-🌱

HELLO THATS AN ABSOLUTE BEAUTIFUL WAY TO WRAP UP HIS STORY ARC I love when a character ends up having a really good relationship with their partners kid it makes my heart so full!! And I know he’s overjoyed having a stepson who has similar interests that he used to have!! Also the outfit of choiceJesus Christ?! How does Damien get anything done around him🧎🏻‍♂️

AND THE KIDS ARE GREAT FRIENDS TOO?? I LOVE THIS SO MUCY!! I’m so happy all the puzzle pieces fell into place and they can have a happy and thriving relationship wishing them the utmost best for the future!!

oh hello 👀 can’t help but imagine Damien getting all fussy when one of the marks starts to fade literally hunts Mars down so he can renew them 🧎🏻‍♂️

LOGAN IS A S L U T IDC WHAT ANYONE SAYS HE KNOWS WHAT HES DING AND IF I DONT GER TO IMPREGNATE HIM WITH TRIPPLWRS IM GOINF RO GO INSANE!!

[revserrayyu]

2.2 Penacony thoughts [part 2]

**Spoiler warning** in place for the story as per usual. Got through a decent amount I think since the other night but I haven’t a clue on how much is left. This time I stopped right after we received a special hat so if you haven’t obtained such a gift yet then of course turn away now.

So we’re wandering around Golden Hour as the siblings, even running into Sparkle who was cosplaying Robin and tosses in a couple chicken wing boy comments as usual, as we listen to a few people’s opinions about dreams. I understand both the sibling’s perspectives, with Robin saying that the dreamscape is a nice escape once in a while but shouldn’t exactly be lived in and mistaken for reality, while Sunday believes it has given so many people the opportunity to actually live a life worth living. The idea of having a stress free life is indeed an inviting ideal but too much of something is never a good thing.

The options the game gave us to choose right here are hilarious and it’s perfect!

The challenges for the competition went along fine. I chose the battles for the first round and then some Hanu stuff for the second, but for the final round, I certainly wasn’t expecting our fabulously gorgeous knight Argenti!! I recall the announcer mentioning that there was someone ahead of us with striking red hair, but I thought he was just referring to Himeko since she teamed up with March and presumedly went another way, but once we approached the final stage and our beloved knight slowly came into view, I got so excited! Even the trailblazer was like “No way, I think I just saw someone…someone extraordinary.”

Only I was faced with instant disappointment because WHY WAS HE NOT VOICED?? I thought my sound was messed up or my earbuds weren’t working properly but then I heard Firefly speak no problem, so what happened to Argenti?? He has such a nice voice and it gets bugged? I’m so sad. I waited for the day he would actually appear in the main story and it’s all scuffed! Ahh! But I love that everyone resorts to calling Aventurine a peacock.

The fight went just fine, so much better than the first time I encountered him on the train during his mission, even though I don’t think I had anyone to weakness break him. Soon enough we appear in front of Sunday who is undoubtedly showing his bad side now as we get a flashback of him, Welt and Robin chatting with the “Dreammaster.” Things seemed to be going well until they weren’t and we see Sunday using those creepy Harmony rainbow waves on his dearest sister.

Turns out our holy man isn’t as harmonious as we all thought, striding on the path of Order instead. No wonder I saw so many theories floating around with that one image of its Aeon, Ena.

Jumping into a brief Sunday flashback where he’s chatting with the “Dreammaster” about a letter he received about Robin while she’s away and I’m honestly quite surprised to learn that our precious idol was actually shot. In the neck of all places too. Definitely the worst place for a singer. (Reminds me of Black Clover where Vetto pretty much attacked Kahono the same way in the Underwater Temple.) Thank heavens Robin didn’t actually perish from such a wound though. “Dreammaster” mentions that’s why she chooses to wear accessories on her neck which makes sense. I love when lore is the reason behind some sort of outfit choice. All that aside, yes hearing Sunday so panicked and ready to drop everything at a moments notice to go help her is sweet, but I’m still skeptical about him.

His motives seem dreamlike though. Yeah it’s admirable that he wishes to eradicate all feelings of despair and free people of their sorrows so they can experiences true happiness in their lives, but surely there’s gotta be a better way to go about doing it than living in a false reality.

Like.. of course I understand. Two or three days never really feels like enough time to rest after working a full week. There’s so much we wanna do in life, but limiting our free time to certain days doesn’t seem fulfilling. So, he proposes a new world (see? I knew this dude gave me Cocolia vibes for a reason!) where everyday should be a relaxing day. Where everyday can be..Sunday. And if this is the reason why they named him this then that’s too funny yet also clever. I can’t be mad at it.

It was at this moment I thought he was gonna reveal that the sacrifice was going to be one of us, or worst of all, Robin, and got a bit scared. If you want such a perfect world, why don’t you become the sacrifice yourself, chicken wing boy?

Speak your truth girlie! Love that Firefly called him out a little bit. Sunday believed that she could relate to such a wish due to her condition, but she completely tossed his meager comments aside and stood up for herself.

Now forgive me, I don’t recall if this whole ordeal with Misha is a flashback before we started that competition to see Sunday or if some magic caused it all to happen somehow during that conversation but anyways, we finally get the opportunity to learn about this child. We arrive at that place where we first encountered the Memory Zone Meme with all those flashy tvs and creepy callouts and it all seems rather familiar to Misha as his distant memories slowly come back to him. One thing I’m not too surprised about is that Mikhail was his grandpa who was acquainted with the Nameless and perhaps even one himself.

What I didn’t expect what to hear that this boy is actually from this memory bubble, much like “Dormancy.” It’s also clarified that the Express can all see Clockie because everyone has a childlike spirit, unlike Firefly and Acheron, so it seems neither of them could’ve ever found the Watchmaker’s legacy.

Yeah.. mhhhm. The confusion begins now alright. Is he is own ghost or something?? That’s how it’s making sense in my head. I dunno. Misha remains a whole dang mystery to me.

Thanks for clearing it up a little bit but. Nope. 100% denying that last part with every fiber of my being. If I wanted a mechanic on the Express I’d venture all the way back to Jarilo-VI and pick up Serval like she had originally wished during her companion guest. I’ll honestly so ticked off if after all this if Misha somehow comes to reality and officially joins Express. And don’t start saying “oh but he receives a ticket from Welt in the ‘Incredible Promise’ light cone.” That ain’t Welt. He wears his glove on his right hand, not the left hand that’s depicted in the artwork. Also the description of that light cone doesn’t even sound like it could’ve been Welt. (Sorry I’m only focusing on that last bit but I’m so passionate about Serval if that wasn’t clear as day already.)

Apologizing once again because I know this is supposed to be an emotional scene, but all I could think about was “yes, good, you stay here. No train mechanic job for you.”

I don’t really have the words to explain why I like this explanation of clockwork and how it connects to trailblazing, but yeah. All we need is that extra bit of encouragement to make our choices.

The smooth transition they did from this..

.. to this was real nice. Also, I’m realizing now that the head piece of the Watchmaker relic set is an eyepiece. For the longest time I thought it was just a real tiny hat.. and no I didn’t even think to read its name as it’s literally called “Watchmaker’s Telescoping Lens.” I’m not perfect. I’ll admit to being a little stupid.

The cutscene continues as we inherit the old dude’s hat and I love how proud mommy Himeko looks at us.

Sunday on the other hand.. well, certainly not happy that Xipe chose to smile upon us.

Eeehehe look at our girl, serving up looks! We’re so dang snazzy now and I’m loving every moment of it!

As awesome as this moment is, it does look a bit ridiculous with all us ladies there and then.. Clockie, sporting that giant grin on his face as usual.

And just like that, a new path has been acquired! Thank heavens we don’t have to be quiet about it anymore. I feel like it’s been so many weeks since I first saw the Harmony Trailblazer’s gameplay. It was a bit difficult to not get so excited while watching the 2.2 livestream and seeing little sneak peaks of the hat finally make its appearance.

And to think they teased our new ultimate all the way back during the White Night trailer. Amazing. Spectacular. Brilliant. Dazzling.

This was also another reason I decided to skip out on Robin. Didn’t think I needed two new Harmony units in one patch. But that’s all for now. I’m hoping to finish the story this weekend. First things first, however, is to hunt for a proper relic set for our dashing new Trailblazer. I did pre-farm most materials to level up traces since I was aware of the new path, but I’m still in need of more decent Watchmaker relics.

[puppypackquotes]

Let’s talk about Teen Wolf: The Movie. The start of the movie was fantastic, like it took days to plan out. The rest of the movie felt good, terrible, and rushed. In the trailer it showed so much and it made sense. They deleted so many scenes that would have made the movie really good. I hope that they make a DVD of the movie and put EVERY. SINGLE. DELETED SCENE. Now lets talk about the couples. Scott & Malia, WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM. In the series finale, they seemed so happy together, and now they can’t even be around each other without being weird. I think that Jeff needs to explain their break up. Mason & Corey, why was Corey never mentioned????? Like they had a open window to mention him when Parrish kept calling Mason and they didn’t. THOSE TWO WERE THE ONLY UNPROBLEMATIC COUPLE IN THE SHOW. But I did speculate that the cop that died from the Oni’s blade was Mason’s new love interest. BUT I WAS WRONG. Jackson & Ethan, out of all the couples, those two were the only one that stayed canon ever since the series finale. I love how Jackson mentions him. I was so happy to hear that they both stayed together after 10 plus years. Stiles & Lydia, I never really shipped them because I am a Stalia shipper, BUT the love Lydia had for Stiles to break up with him to save his life is LITERALLY TRUE FUCKING LOVE. Melissa & Argent, why didn’t Argent want Melissa too know that he was back in Beacon Hills. Jeff really needs to start doing some explanation about most of the couples break up. Liam & Hikari, they were so cute together. So no one ever. Jeff should have made Thiam canon, and not put Theo in the movie. Jeff is literally trying to make Liam’s storyline the same as Scott’s. “Scott dates a Kitsune, so let’s make Liam date a kitsune that’s a female. Because their doesn’t need to be anymore same sex couples. One is more then enough.” I feel like Jeff has that feeling in him. And with him being gay, he could have at least give his community some more expansion but he just kept them as background characters. Scott & Allison, I know that they are the OG couple but why put them back together? I know that lots of the fans wanted them back together but them being together makes no sense. I know that they are each others first and forever love, but I think Allison should have moved on too death instead of staying alive. Malia & Parrish, I’m not even gonna say much about this because they are so unexpected. But I do love seeing Parrish’s ass though. I know a lot of people don’t ship this but I do. Scott & Lydia, THAT SCENE IN OAK CREEK MADE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE ABOUT TO KISS. I was starting to get excited but nothing happened. But to be honest, I like them so much better as friends, because Lydia has been by Scott’s side through everything. LITERALLY. When I heard that they was gonna do the Nogistune storyline again, I was very happy because I get to know more about it. But I wished they did a new villain instead of the old one. I get that the Nogistune wanted revenge, but seriously move on. They defeated your ass. And they will literally do it again. Let’s talk about the characters starting with the best. Scott McCall, even after all these years, you are still trying to save everyone. Wished he would have got a villain era because he has been hurt so much and he needs to be mad sometimes. Lydia is still a queen. Seeing her in her business outfit shows that she is definitely doing something to make history. Malia still being the straight forward bitch is literally the best. Wish her and Parrish had gotten more of a storyline, then I would probably ship them. Parrish, the ass you got is something and I am here for it. Him breaking the mountain ash is just proving more on how powerful he is. Argent having too see Allison again after all those years made me cry. The person he will always love is back in his life and I know he will never let Allison out of his sight ever again. Melissa. MAMA FUCKING MCCALL. YOU ARE STILL THE BEST. Peter and Argent arguing like little kids and you being there sick of it is literally a MOOD.

Part 2

[serafiel-jacobs]

Royal Wedding (Fanfic)

New chapter from my main series 🩷

Geppetto and Pinocchio packed their bags and were ready to leave, they will only be here for two days, just so that they can enjoy the wedding, as Geppetto has to come back to work.

Geppetto was bombarded with questions about how he got invited to the wedding, and then he got bombarded with even more questions when he mentioned that it was because Pinocchio was friends with the crowned princess, Geppetto was feeling a little overwhelmed with the attention everyone was giving him, even by coworkers who he had never spoken suddenly wanted to talk, some people left him a few gifts, but he did saw Conrad fuming with envy and that made him smile.

He left Venigni in charge while he was gone, well the sub-director is the one in charge, he left Venigni in charge of stopping any office drama from getting out of hand.

“You look so handsome,” Geppetto said to his son while he played a little with his hair.

“Father!” Pinocchio began to fix his hair, he had brushed it perfectly for the wedding. His father keeps embarrassing him like this lately.

Pinocchio was wearing a beautiful tuxedo, the vest was blue, and his pants were a different shade of blue along with his shoes and he was wearing a red bowtie and a red flower in his vest. Gemini was also wearing clothes, a blue top hat with a yellow shirt and red vest, including a black fancy jacket.

Geppetto settled for using the typical black suit, he is too old to try to make himself stand out.

Pinocchio felt a little scared when they arrived, he had never been in a place so crowded, and filled with people and they were only at the entrance, but those were the people who were watching from afar, they showed the invitation, allowing them to be inside. There were fewer people there, but still too many, Pinocchio hid behind his father until they got to the chapel inside the castle, sitting down and waiting for it to start.

Cinderella looked gorgeous and so happy, she was radiating with light, her dream finally coming true, the wish her heart desired.

The ceremony went as planned, the vow exchange, the ring exchange, and the kiss. Cinderella felt as if she was still dreaming, it all felt too good to be true, but her fairy godmother had reassured her that this was her reward, that her kindness and humility were finally being recognized.

Once it was all done, it was time to celebrate, Pinocchio and his father were by themselves and they thought they would be alone until…

“Guess who?” Someone covered Pinocchio’s eyes and asked him the question in a sweet voice.

“Sophia?!”

Sophia took her hands away from Pinocchio’s eyes.

“And her I thought it would take years before we saw each other again” Sophia was smiling, her was vibrating with joy, she thought she would have to spend her time alone in this wedding.

Sophia was wearing a beautiful blue dress, she was wearing her signature butterfly brooch and she was wearing transparent slippers that had butterflies in the middle, the light reflecting the color matching her outfit. Her hair was partly a bun but only a small part, the rest was down and straight.

“Sophia I’m so glad to see you here” Geppetto is glad and confused, “How did you get invited?”

Sophia signaled at them to look at someone, it was another Princess.

“Snow White was so kind to invite me” Sophia felt as if she didn’t deserve such honor.

“I get the feeling you helped her out somehow, just as we did with Cinderella” Gemini chirped, he was on Pinocchio’s shoulder enjoying himself.

“It’s a long story” Sophia can’t wait to tell them all about it.

Pinocchio was beaming with joy when he got to see Sophia again, sure, he talks with her sometimes with the power they share but he also thought it would take years before he would see her again so he began to cry.

“I missed you” Sophia hugged him, “You big cry baby”

“Hey!” Pinocchio didn’t understand why everyone was teasing him today.

They began to talk, catching up on what each of them was doing.

“Oh my, it does seem like something dark is happening inside of Krat” Sometimes Sophia feels as if Krat itself is haunted by some entity that attracts problems like that.

“Please be careful clever one” Sophia will always protect him no matter where she is, but it’s never bad to remind him that you can never be too careful.

“Son, I really wish you didn’t have to get involved in this” Geppetto sighed, “It’s good to help others but maybe we should leave this to the proper authorities”

“Geppetto since when has Krat had a proper police force?” Sophia had a grin on her face.

“Touché” Geppetto can’t deny that, there was no way they didn’t know what Simon was up to.

There is no way they are that incompetent in general, things like this just get covered up.

“I’m still just worried, you can assist those who need help but remember that you have to also take care of yourself, I don’t want you to get hurt while outside”

Sophia is noticing that Geppetto is being a little more overprotective than usual, “Are things too on edge inside Krat?”

“Well… there had been news of a serial killer on the loose” Geppetto knows how evil people can be, yet something about serial killers makes them even more scary, and the way this one has been leaving those bodies as if they were artworks, it’s disgusting.

“Is that why you don’t let me go outside at night anymore?” Pinocchio asked innocently.

“Seriously Pinocchio you didn’t know?” Gemini was baffled, even he knew, “Don’t you read the newspaper?”

“No, it’s boring” Pinocchio doesn’t like reading the news, but he does like reading the comic section.

“Son, you have to keep up with the news and this is a big reason why”

After a few more time talking, Sophia noticed that Snow White was calling for her, and as soon as she left, Cinderella made her way towards them, the prince next to her.

“Charming, this is the kind boy who saved my life” Cinderella introduced him to the prince.

Charming grabbed Pinocchio’s hands. “Thank you, thank you so much for helping her”

Charming was so madly in love with Cinderella; Geppetto, Pinocchio, and Gemini wondered how they got married after just having met for one day, but looking at the two of them interacting, they were clearly meant for each other. They were recalling their time planning this wedding, this huge event, a nightmare to organize as the fondest of memories.

The prince left, the king wanted him to meet some acquaintances and Cinderella asked Pinocchio if they could talk in private, his father and Gemini were left behind for a moment.

They went to the garden and gathered in front of a fountain, Jaq and other mice joined them, Cinderella introduced Gus to Pinocchio, a few birds were flying around them, more friends of Cinderella.

“You are so lucky Cinderella” Pinocchio said, she got her live her dream, she became a princess, maybe if he dreams hard enough like Cinderella he can become a princess.

“I truly feel like I am…” Cinderella should have sounded happy but her voice was filled with sadness, a few tears fell from her eyes.

Pinocchio noticed immediately “What’s wrong?”

“You and your family Pinocchio, you are the only guests from my side that were invited”

Pinocchio was quiet, he remembered how Cinderella’s family treated her, yet he wished that maybe they had changed, that they were here at the wedding but that because it was too crowded it was the reason he hadn’t seen them yet.

Sure Cinderella had her animal friends, and she wasn’t truly alone, yet her family not being here was hard, but enough was enough, they weren’t allowed at her wedding, they wouldn’t ruin her happiness any longer.

“Do you believe people can change?” Cinderella was venting to him, venting because she didn’t want to bring her sorrows to Charming on their special day. “Can family really change, even if they mistreated you?”

Pinocchio sank into his shoulders.

His father… is a good father, the best father he can ever ask for, he loves him so much, but he hasn’t always been the best father. He made a lot of mistakes, he neglected his brother by not being there for him, and then when his brother passed away, his father was forcing him to be Carlo, someone he wasn't.

“I think they can”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me” Pinocchio composed himself, this was supposed to be a happy day, this was supposed to be the best day of Cinderella’s life, “I know”

Almost as if fate had heard them, a tiny blue bird flew towards them, delivering a small letter to Cinderella who began to read it out loud.

“Congratulations to my sister,

Cinderella you don’t have to but please, forgive me, I was awful,

I wish you nothing but the best”

From: Anastasia”

Cinderella shed a few more tears before composing herself.

“It looks like more of my dreams are coming true”

Cinderella gave him a big hug, before leaving one last time, saying how she will never forget about him, how she will write him letters, how she is forever grateful.

Pinocchio was alone but not for long, he was about to turn around to find his father when Sophia went to his side.

“I can’t believe I’m actually at a castle, at a royal wedding” Sophia plays with her ring as she says this, trying to calm herself, “When I was a child I had dreams of a life like this, filled with excitement, filled with doing what others couldn’t”

“Cinderella was right” Pinocchio was smiling.

“Huh?” Sophia was confused.

Right, she doesn’t know what he is talking about.

“That dreams really are wishes that come true”

They were both smiling, but it was quiet, Pinocchio began to play with his ring as well.

Sophia wonders what she and Pinocchio were even thinking when they got the rings, they are so important but at the same time so silly.

She definitely knows now that she truly doesn’t love him that way. She had more time to reflect, more time to properly analyze her feelings, she truly was in love with the idea of him, because he was her savior.

Maybe in a weird way, she is a princess, and Pinocchio is the prince who saved her from the clutches of evil.

“Um… Sophia, can I ask you something?” Pinocchio finally broke the silence.

“Yes?” Sophia had come out of her thoughts.

“So well, the other day my father was teaching me things and…”

Pinocchio proceeded to explain the conversation he had with his father.

The talk his father gave him.

“And well I don’t think I got it right, and you are so smart and always guide me, I guess I just got confused and I wanted to know if you could explain-“

Sophia burst into laughter, it was loud and she was desperately gasping for air.

Oh my God, she had no idea Geppetto was so bad at explaining that.

“Sophia?” Pinocchio looked at her weirdly.

She couldn’t respond, she kept laughing hysterically, she even had small tears in her eyes.

“Sophia!” Pinocchio was pouting, even she was teasing about this.

“Pinocchio… Pinocchio” She was trying to calm down but couldn’t, gasping for more air, “I can’t… I can’t”

Another outburst of laughter came from Sophia, Pinocchio had mixed feelings, on the one hand, he had never seen Sophia laughing like that, and it made him feel good that each day she was more filled with joy.

On the other, he doesn’t like how she is acting about it. Now he is even more confused about the subject, his father and mother treat it like something serious but everyone else he asks treats it as a joke.

Sophia was about to lose her balance, but Pinocchio grabbed her so she wouldn’t, unfortunately, he was the one who lost his balance in the process and fell inside the water fountain, the boy now soaking wet.

“I’m sorry Pinocchio, I’m so sorry” Sophia was apologetic and extended her hand so that Pinocchio could get back up.

Pinocchio grabbed her hand, but instead of trying to get back up, he pulled her into the water. That’s what she gets for teasing him.

“You brat!” Sophia shouted, “This dress was expensive!”

“This suit was expensive!” Pinocchio shouted back, his father would be mad.

As much as Sophia wanted to splash him with more water she decided not to, she got up and Pinocchio got up as well, it’s best not to cause a scene in a place like this.

They could hear the bells ringing, indicating that Cinderella had left with Charming in their carriage for their honeymoon.

With perfect timing, Geppetto had found them as soon as the bells stopped ringing.

“Pinocchio seriously?!“ Geppetto was mad, “And you got poor Sophia all wet as well”

“No, I didn’t” Pinocchio lied.

“Yes, he did” Sophia had a grin on her face.

His father was looking at him with disappointment.

“Sophia don’t go out and make me look like some kind of liar just because I don’t tell the truth”

“What does that even mean?!” Gemini was also scolding Pinocchio, he was baffled by the things that the boy says.

As much as she finds it amusing when Pinocchio gets reprimanded, she confesses that it was all her fault, making sure to tell Geppetto what his son was asking her.

Geppetto’s face was red with embarrassment.

“It’s alright son, you won’t get in trouble this time” Geppetto looked so ashamed of himself, probably blaming himself for what happened.

With that said, they all left the castle, Pinocchio and Sophia changed clothes and that day all of them had dinner together in a nice restaurant.

The day after, when it was time to leave, they said their goodbyes and each went back to their usual lives.

——

They arrived at Krat at night, and Pinocchio was so tired, he wasted to time on showering and changing into his pajamas. Hopping to bed and fall fast asleep.

The next morning, Pinocchio overslept again but neither Gemini nor his father woke him up.

It was best that Pinocchio kept on dreaming, so his wishes come true as well.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

The Doll...

Hey! 

KaKa! Oh, and looks like you’ve brought some friends with you!

You guys told me that I could bring backup if I wanted to, so I decided to pick out these two.

I will do what I can to be of use to us all.

Just a word of warning Chiebukuro. Depending on how much value Otonokoji has to Zetsubou, they might launch a full scale attack to get her back.

Then again, I doubt even Zetsubou would handle someone like her after this.

Hah. It’s alright. You’re just letting me know not to let my guard down.

Believe me, you underestimate the Kisaragi Foundation.

No. I just don’t want the Kisaragi Foundation to underestimate Zetsubou!

That’s what we did...and that’s why we’ve been up shits creek without a paddle for so long...

Kuripa...

It will be fine. The Foundation has lots of defenses, we should be able to take anything that they throw at us.

Oh! So you will be going with them, Yamato?

Yeah...

I think it’s high time I went home. My sister is waiting for me, after all.

Your sister!?

He means Kurokawa.

Oh! I had no idea!

So does this mean you’ll all be returning to the Kisaragi HQ?

No. Just dropping Kanade off and coming back. We’ve left Doc Ando here after all.

The Doctor is with Seiko upstairs. He’s been working on her medication ever since he got let outta the lab.

Eden Owari, yes?

Yep. Just checkin’ in on the little one.

The little one? You mean-

???: Um...

...!

*Everyone’s attention is turned as another person joins their conversation.

Hey I...uh...I changed.

Hibiki, hey! How are you doing?

Well...confused as all heck for one thing...It’s like I went to sleep and didn’t wake up for a long time...

Setsuka’s hair is longer, Sora’s a computer, Yoruko became a dark-haired cougar, and my sister is a psychopath...!

Hey! Who’s a cougar!

S-Sorry! I really need to stop saying what I think...!

...No, it’s fine...Honestly, I’d prefer that you did.

Girl, it’s only natural that you’re confused. It’ll take a while, but we’re willing to explain everything to you.

Thanks...

So...you’re coming along with the transfer too or something?

Huh!? Oh uh...no, I’m gonna stay here...

Yes, I believe it would be unwise for her to remain within the proximity of her sister. 

Though I do not wish to jinx us, if Kanade escapes while Hibiki is present, she will more than likely grab her and make off with her somehow.

But we’d be flying. How would she jump without a parachute?

She would...She’d be more than happy to jump to her death so long as I died with her.

R-Really...?

That’s how we went out before...Kanade and I shared an execution because she brainwashed me into helping her murder Setsuka...

Oh...

...

...

...

Um...sssssooo...We about ready?

Huh? Oh, uh...yeah!

...

Hey, Hibiki, I...

I like the outfit by the way. 

Yeah, thanks...Setsuka picked it out for me...

Still a little confused about this thing though.

*She fiddles with a cue ball shaped pin on her collar.

Oh that? Heh! Think of it as a memento to remember me by.

...

*sniff* You...

Biki! What’s wrong!?

Don’t! Just DON’T!

!!!??

Hibiki!?

Oh boy...Here we go.

...!

*Kaede nudges Kuripa.

Why...Why are you doing this...!?

Doing what!?

Why are you all being so NICE to me!?

I’ve never been kind to any of you...! I just push you all away harshly because I thought Kanade was all I needed...and you all know I was complicit in a lot of her murders!

Including YOURS!

...!?

I killed you...and betrayed all of you...! So WHY are you giving me things like new clothes and a shelter!? Why won’t you just let me DIE!?

Hibiki-!

I’m...I’m a monster...! All I do is harbor death and pain...!

Where is this even coming from?

Otonokoji, we don’t-

Rei!

!!?

Shush...Let them handle this. You and I should just stay out of it.

Hm...

Hibiki, you’re being too harsh on yourself. You can’t blame yourself for the things that Kanade has done.

She’s right. Kanade is the monster here, not you.

Oh sure...Kanade is the monster that kills people that I become friends with! Maybe I don’t murder people myself but I’m the REASON so many innocent people died!

Quit trying to console me, I don’t deserve it!

*She snaps towards Setsuka.

And you...You just don’t learn, do you!?

What are you talking about...!?

You’re ONE of the people who Kanade murdered all because you got too attached!

Even though I was harsh...even though I could be rude and selfish, you still gave me comfort when I needed it, Setsuka!

When the Killing Game terrified me, and when I was worried about what was going on with the outside world, you gave me courage! You taught me to keep going without fear...!

It gave me strength and courage, and the desire to stand up against the Despair...And what happened...!?

You DIED! I repayed your kindness with DEATH AND MISERY!

...

The security and comfort you showed was just a false sense, and YOU were the one who paid the price for it...! 

So just...leave me alone! Don’t try and be my friend or help me! I’m just...a detestable...narrow-minded...BUG of a girl!

Hibiki, wait! C-Calm down!

I CAN’T! I can’t calm down!

All of you deserve to shame me and ridicule me for what I did, but you’re not saying anything and are instead trying to HELP me!? I BETRAYED YOU!

I spat on every good thing that we might have had in the past! I’m WORTHLESS! So just-!

*SMACK!*

...!?

...!

...!

...!

...!

...!

...

*Hibiki is cut off as Kaede suddenly slaps her around the face!

WAKE UP!

...!!?

...You can’t force yourself into this delusion that everyone hates you or doesn’t want you around, Hibiki. You can’t just reject kindness because you think it would be in everyone’s best interest.

That is EXACTLY what let Kanade GET TO YOU in the first place!

...!

Your sister...she toyed with your mind...she murdered everyone you love...she got you killed because she was so obsessed with you...

And you think YOU’RE the bad guy for that!?

I...

Did you TELL Kanade to murder all those people? Did you ask her?

N-No! I wasn’t even aware of her true nature until the Killing Game...

Well there you go then!

NONE of this is your fault, Hibiki. And if anyone says otherwise, tell me! I’ll go kick their ass!

Kaede...!

You’re calling yourself the scum of the earth...Saying that you’re no better than your sister...

Believe me when I tell you that I’ve met THE scum of the earth!

And I’m telling you right now, if that were really true, you wouldn’t even THINK about saying that about yourself. 

And you know...I know this is a groaner and super cliché of a line but...I think you and I are actually alike in many ways.

...You think so?

Akamatsu is also an older twin sister...or at least, she was...

Yeah...but that’s not really what I’m getting at. I...had a very similar experience of self-loathing and pain when I came back from my own Killing Game...

Wait...You were in a Killing Game too!?

Yeah...Danganronpa 53...

Wh-What...? What kind of...

Hibiki...This is gonna sound ridiculous to you...But Kaede, Kirumi and all their friends are from another universe.

What!?

You...You really expect me to believe that!?

Not really, but it’s the truth!

Putting that aside...I was in a Killing Game...and like you, I came back to life somehow.

At first, I had a horrible case of amnesia, and didn’t remember anything that I had done...but once I remembered, I was overcome with this horrible guilt...And unlike you, the person I tried to murder wasn’t even around for me to apologize to...

If he was, I imagine I would have broken down the same way as you are right now.

But the problem, Hibiki...is that you can’t run from this.

...Run...?

It’s easy enough to tell everyone that they should hate you, or that you can’t be treated nicely, or that people shouldn’t want you around...But that’s the attitude of a defeatist...Someone who’s contempt to live a life of misery and isolation if it means everyone else gets to live the lives they want.

That’s not selfless or heroic in any way. It’s just...straight up dumb...! 

But I’m...I already told you...I know I’m selfish...! That’s what I hate about myself...!

Otonokoji, may I just interject here myself?

*Kuripa steps forward.

Look...Akamatsu’s better at giving advice than I am, so I won’t try and rain on her parade...But...

You said before that you were worried about how all the people who get close to you ended up as victims of your sister, right?

Kanade boasts about her she has a +60 kill count. That’s a LOT of people!

I know! And I don’t want there to be even more! Don’t you get that-

Which means that you had a hell of a lot of people who love you!

...!

To be honest, I’m not exactly popular myself. I have a pretty stick-up-the-ass attitude a lot of the time, and with how I say whatever comes to my mind with no filter... 

But even a bastard like me has people who care about him, and you know why that is? It’s because they love me, even with how I am. And there’s always going to be someone in this shitty world that does.

I don’t think you should change anything about yourself if someone else doesn’t accept you for who you really are. So I don’t. And I don’t think you should either.

Kuripa’s right. Like it or not, there’s nothing you can do to stop Setsuka from caring about you, or anyone else for that matter.

...

I...I know...Of course I know that...

But...I just...I don’t want her...

You don’t want her or anyone else to become a target because of you, right?

Huh?

Hehe...You can’t hide it from me, kiddo. The Divine Eye sees through even you.

There’s nothing you want more in the world right now than to live a peaceful life free of your sister, and to be friends with Kaede, Setsuka, and everyone else. Your fear of what could happen is what’s stopping you.

Wha-!? How do you-!?

I’m psychic sweetie. Here’s my card.

*Eden hands Hibiki her business card.

Other universes...Psychics...What is my life...!?

Hah! Tell me about it! I’m married to a supercomputer!

No need to brag, Yoyo!

But Biki...If that’s really what’s scaring you, you don’t have to worry about it.

Kanade’s been trying to murder us this whole time, even before you came into play. You’re just a little more motivation for her to do so, but not much.

Yeah. Whether or not you were here or not, we’re in danger of her. Thus, I don’t think you can really blame yourself for her actions.

Kanade Otonokoji is insane scum incarnate. That doesn’t have anything to do with you. You didn’t make her that way.

Yeah! She claims to do this out of love, and that she would murder anyone to keep you, but she doesn’t even see you as family! In her eyes, your just her favorite toy.

But still, I-!

If someone was to shoot someone in the head with a gun, would you blame the the murder on the gun?

No! You’d blame it on the person who FIRED the gun! The gun is a tool, just as you were for your sister.

Kuripa’s right. She’s the only one at fault here. And you know that, right?

...

Biki...

I...I still don’t know what to do...I’m so...lost and confused...

Even now, I still feel like this is all one horrible nightmare and I’m just trying so so hard to wake up...Maybe I’m just...always going to be a slave to my own mind.

But you know now that turning away and trying to accept it isn’t going to solve anything. 

No...And to be honest, ever since you played me that song in the lab, I haven’t felt Kanade’s influence as strongly...

...I wonder why...? That’s some special magic you’ve got there...

Oh, I’m not that special. Just a piano-obsessed weirdo who cares too much about everything.

Yeah...But it’s like your friend said, right? People love you for that, so you don’t need to change yourself for anyone.

Now you get it!

...

Setsuka...Yoruko...Sora...I’d like to thank you all...And I’m sorry for everything I...WE put you through...

Hibiki, we-

I know you said that Kanade’s actions weren’t my fault...But I can’t help but feel responsible...

...I hate to admit it, but this lady was right...I...

I wanna be friends again...! So badly...! I just...*sniff* I just...!

Hah! Well, why didn’t you say so sooner!?

...!?

*Setsuka pulls Hibiki into a hug.

...

*Yoruko, and by extension Sora, join this hug.

Hibiki...You’re not the only one who wants a change...If you want to find a life that you’re comfortable with, then I’d be more than happy to help you find it.

Everything bad that happened in the Killing Game happened because we couldn’t fight through our problems together.

Yeah...But now, we’re gonna fix that. Somehow...

Ah...Ahaahaaaaah...!

*Hibiki starts to cry, melting into the embrace of her friends.

...

...Heh...

*Kuripa pats Kaede on the shoulder.

As expected of Kaede Akamatsu. I doubt anyone would have been as successful as you in this.

Stop giving me so much credit. It’s up to Hibiki to find the answers she wants on her own. All we can do is give her a little push.

...

...Kaori...I hope I’m the sister that you always wanted me to be...

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2020 Wished Christiane a happy birthday in public. I was curious to see if she’d notice and respond but of course she didn’t.

I also couldn’t resist messaging Doc H and Holly. I mean, I know I shouldn’t have since they’re just going to ignore me if they get the message, and again, it’s me being the one to reach out to them, people who would never give me the time of day otherwise. So this is something I guess I still have to work on. Then again, I suppose I am who I am.

I’ve been on nights and Tom has been coding and taking care of the outside. Not because of Joy. We don’t give a shit about her, but we do give a shit about curb appeal. As he’s working, he sometimes chats with the Twenties as well as Bob and Virginia when they drive by.

I asked Kim who the fourth group member was that I couldn’t see and of course I got an answer that made no sense. I could have found out through Tom’s account but whoever they were left the group. Plus, I wasn’t that curious.

Walmart included some extras in our order once again. Midol, which I took years ago and caused me to be drowsy enough to take a nap like full-strength Benadryl does. Some chewable allergy tablets, pretzels, a hazelnut fudge wafer, and lens cleaners which came in handy for my glasses, phone and monitor. Also, a pancake on the go. Pancake mix in a cup that you add water to and microwave that was pretty boring.

I’m back up 1.5 pounds but it’s worth it to be able to indulge. Still, I sometimes envy those with hyperthyroidism. It’s one of the very few “lucky” diseases, you could say. I had it in my twenties before my thyroid swung the other way.

They opened the road in back but due to the lockdown, my sleep shouldn’t be too threatened until it’s lifted. That’s keeping the traffic down more than the closed road was.

I heard back from Dixie. That was Linda visiting. She’s been helping out with Diane. We took the bikes out at around 9 and I could see Dixie sitting in her favorite chair when we passed by. Linda was there again, too.

I’m keeping my bike outside until it gets too cold for riding, and yes, it’s locked up securely this time around. It shouldn’t be exposed to much sunlight where it’s at, but when it gets cold, I’ll hose it down and bring it back indoors.

Went through my Barbie collection and weeded out nearly half of them to donate since I don’t think I can sell them very easily. I thought they would gain value in time like some people thought Beanie Babies would but nope. I’m just not into collecting those anymore and many of them have lost their shine over the years. Outfits have faded, elastic waistbands have broken, and some of them just aren’t that nice. I pulled out just under 30 and I’m going to keep just over 30, even if most of them will likely sit in a box for the rest of my life and not be displayed anywhere.

Had a series of bizarre and senseless dreams the last two nights. Something about being in an elevator, and then there were dreams involving the termites. I ran into them somewhere and hoped they wouldn’t recognize me or something like that. Or that they at least wouldn’t give me any shit if they did.

Then I was on the phone with Andy in another dream and he was saying that he wanted to leave the past in the past without discussing it further.

I was in the forest somewhere in another dream. Jessie was with me and we were looking through pictures of forests in a magazine. I tried to pull something out of the ground a minute later, but it wouldn’t let go. “It’s probably caught on a poster,” I said.

Then we began walking through the woods and there was a speaker on a stand that was making a hissing sound. Jessie went behind it and started speaking to me. When I told her I couldn’t hear her she moved away and said that she would make sure I had her address. Then I told her I would make sure she had mine as well.

In the last dream, I was at a bus stop waiting to board a bus. The bus driver was trying to recall the show that a particular line was from. I had heard the line before and seen the show but forgot the name of it. The dream ended with me struggling to come up with the name.

Later…

Really worried my cavity has gotten infected because I’m having waves of intense pain along my gum line and jaw that is typical of tooth infections. It’s what I had nearly a decade ago when my back bottom molar on the other side went to hell before the county quack pulled it. I’m not exactly sure which tooth it is but one of them is open down to the root. I’m doing saltwater gargling, but it may be too late. I’m going to call my new dentist Friday morning and see if I can get in.

I’m up almost 3 lbs since the day I went really low-cal. I’ll let myself gain one more pound before I low-carb my way back down. I’m having a low-carb meal today, though. Later I’ll fry up some chickpeas that I sprinkle with cheese which isn’t low-carb, but the chicken wings I’m making now are. I seasoned each one differently. One with Mrs. Dash which has a mix of herbs and spices, one with minced onion and a hint of cinnamon, one with paprika, and another with garlic salt.

That’s the second time the rats have gotten into a fight in less than a week and I’m not sure why. Also, Woody looks old and almost too skinny while Fuzzy is fat and healthy-looking.

The motorcycle just came in and this is a little early for them since the bastard doesn’t usually visit until after midnight. Fortunately, they didn’t go by the house but that might be because they don’t yet know the island is open.

Still sleeping okay but that’s because of the lockdown.

Went on a half-hour walk from 9 to 9:30. The island isn’t really as smooth as the guy made it sound like it was going to be but it’s an improvement. Now let’s see how many more times they have to work on the roads before we can get out of here.

Not wanting to go down Oak, I headed for Daisy. Sure enough, as I was coming back up through the island, a skunk skittered from Tandy toward Dixie’s place. I was going to go down Tandy, but when I realized that I would only be heading into an area where there are more likely to be more skunks, I waited a minute or two, and then I ran fast through the island and up to the house. Sick of these fucking things everywhere here! It really is ridiculous.

I brought the skier into the bedroom so that instead of just sitting when I’m in there watching Lifetime movies, I can be a little more active. I won’t lose significant weight, of course, but that’s fine. I’ll gladly spend the rest of my life where I’m at as long as I can continue to low-carb back down whenever I jump up a few pounds.

Even though I know there are a million things that could go wrong from us ending up dirt poor to getting the virus and dying, my mental state, overall, has been a million times better lately. Conceited sounding or not, I deserve it after all those dark days! Make that dark years.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 2020 Tom and I went on a bike ride this evening. The weather is gorgeous now. Looks like Dixie had company at the time, but I didn’t see anyone out front. Sent one more email to her. I’d be willing to bet she’s having computer problems. I’ll catch her in person one of these days.

Doing some laundry and cleaned the kitchen until it was sparkling clean. Rockefeller chatted with me the entire time.

Tom tells me things will be fine, and yes, I know things will work out in the end, but there’s still a small part of me that worries. Little by little our money is running out and there’s no way to know for sure if we’re going to get another stimulus check or his retirement money. There’s still working for Amazon as a last resort, but I’d still worry about him getting sick. As unlikely as it may be, there’s still a possibility that we could catch this thing if we haven’t already and end up dying from it. It seems incredibly unlikely, as I said, but the possibility is still there.

We would still want to move even if it was quiet here under normal circumstances because of how expensive it is here. To pay $1200 a month when we could be paying $300 a month for something just as nice or nicer is ridiculous. Staying here is only throwing money away. Not only that, but we’re spending it on tons of loud traffic too close to the house, landscaping sounds virtually every single day, motorcycles tearing in at 1 a.m. and leaving at 4 a.m., an endless slew of projects both in and out of the roads, not to mention water shutoffs two or three times a month.

If the last complaint from Joy was because they somehow figured out I was the one that sent the anonymous message about the late-night motorcycles, then it wasn’t that they told the Beckers we complained on them and then the Beckers retaliated, but just Joy spiting me for some reason as I mostly suspected. So that’s it… Complain on vehicles and she retaliates with counter-complaints. It happened to the Twenties too.

I didn’t end up starving as hard as I wanted to yesterday. I still fasted somewhat, though, with about 700 to 800 calories. Went down half a pound. It likely would have been 1.5 lbs had I eaten less but at least I’ve settled my curiosity. However, even if I could do this every single day, I’m not going to get the same results every day. I still say that how I feel is more important than anything else, a diet of 1000 calories or less is not sustainable, and therefore my best bet is just to bounce back and forth between the same few pounds as I have been. Once I creep up 3 or 4 lbs, I can low-carb myself back down, and back and forth. So this week is going to be my naughty week.

My BMI of 31 is at the high end of healthy for a woman and that’s good enough for me. Even better is that I found that going low-carb keeps me from gaining. I totally believe I would be heavier than I am by now had I not tried this diet. With it, I never feel deprived either. There’s no counting, no measuring, no hunger. It’s just that it isn’t sustainable every single day for many months either because of the lack of variety, and it only takes off a few pounds. It might be worth putting up with a little longer if more could come off than that but since it can’t, I’ll settle for staying where I’m at. :-)

Still sharing old stuff from my other account but keeping it mostly generic. No drama at all unless the drama isn’t too personal/sensitive and doesn’t involve anyone presently in my life.

SUNDAY, APRIL 26, 2020 I was browsing through her group earlier. I don’t read much of what she posts because I know it’s either stolen or so poorly written that it’s not going to make much sense. Noticed I wasn’t able to see the identity of one of her post viewers. Who am I supposed to be bothering who’s connected to her and feels the need to block me? Really, just tell me if you don’t want me looking in on any of your accounts on whatever sites or make your shit private. No need to block me. :-)

At first I thought it was ridiculous that they were opening the beaches in Florida and SoCal, but we’re getting to the point where those that it’s going to kill would have died off for the most part, and those that are going to get it and live will have gotten it. Even we might have had it back when we had sore throats and felt like we had colds.

Changed my mind again and decided to just keep posting pics on Twitter when I get up. I post more on Facebook than I usually do on Twitter and this way I can quickly look up when I got up whenever I want to.

Yesterday I went riding around the circle six times but never saw Dixie. Her car was there and there were lights on in the back of the house, but I didn’t see anyone outside other than Elaine. What’s weird is that she hasn’t responded to my emails. I don’t know if she’s having computer problems or what but hopefully she’s okay.

I swear Santa lives on his front bench. Both times I took the bike out he was sitting on the bench with one of his dogs next to him and the first time he even started to nod off. What, does he sleep there all night?

I raised the temperature in here because not eating makes me cold. I’m doing intermittent fasting today and believe it or not, I just may get results if I could stick with it. I don’t think I can, though. There would be a lot more skinny people in the world if it was that simple to sustain. I’m not going to decide anything until I see what happens with it. I woke up at 155.2 and before I had an avocado, I slipped down to 154.8. I’m hoping to crash no higher than 155.2 and wake up 153.something but I don’t think that will happen. I’ll probably be 154.something instead. Depending on the results, I’ll decide if I really want to lose weight bad enough to do this more often, if I can stand to. I mean sure, I would definitely be healthier if I did. I could lower my cholesterol, lower my blood pressure even more, lower my risk of diabetes, and gain flexibility. But is it worth the hunger if I’m just going to die someday anyway? I’m not so sure. I kind of go back and forth in my mind on that one. I mean, I’m not 20 years old with my whole life ahead of me but I’m not exactly 80 either.

BP isn’t too bad right now. 136/79. Pulse is 76 which is nice and mellow for me.

In the 6.5 hours I’ve been up, I’ve had a small avocado, a few grapes and melon cubes, a shake, coffee, and that’s it. Planning on more fruit around midnight and some steamed broccoli around 4.

Finished my NaNo story at 10K words, so I’ll begin the editing of that a little at a time. I just can’t get into writing stories as much as I used to even though I’m a better writer than I used to be, and I have all these wonderful tools I didn’t always have. But if I could get a collection of five or six short stories that are around 10K words each, I could publish them as a collection.

I haven’t had a single sale or borrow since the second and I don’t know if it’s because of my one 3-star review or not. I wouldn’t think that would be enough to discourage people, but I don’t know. Maybe someone’s just not meant to make money. Would I have N24 if I were? It seems just as many things are determined by happenstance or maybe even destiny as there are by our own actions. I don’t know what to think as far as trying to figure that much goes, but for whatever reason, I ain’t making shit.

The outside of my ear is bugging me more than the inside these days and it’s SOOO frustrating! This ain’t just TMJ and I know there isn’t a damn thing anyone can do about it. I’m cursed for life cuz they couldn’t leave me the fuck alone and love and accept me as I was.

I swear that not only does my tooth with the large cavity on the bottom annoy me, but it’s like half of my teeth do. I guess it’s because it’s been on my mind and I worry about how soon I can get back to the dentist.

Perhaps it shouldn’t, but it really bothered me when I found that I could run my name on ZabaSearch and pull up my address in an instant. That shouldn’t be anyone’s business! Doesn’t that count as sharing sensitive info? This should be optional. The individual people should decide whether or not any of their sensitive info is shared for anyone in the world to see.

So it took me only two days to re-acclimate to the heat. I would still be worried if I was home alone somewhere in Florida and the AC broke down in the dead of summer because that would not only be a lot more heat than I let the place get up to but humidity as well. I’d love to think that if we went rural, we could still have neighbors similar to some of the ones we have here but no chance. They would be a combination of welfare bums and large families with plenty of dogs. Big dogs.

I had a dream we moved but I don’t think it means anything because it really didn’t make much sense. It’s like we headed for the northeast as opposed to the southeast. People were surprised to meet someone who had lived in Cali and Arizona. That’s more typical of how people in the northeast would react because most of the people there are from there unlike here, Arizona, and Florida where most people are from somewhere else.

In the dream, I said I sometimes missed home which I would never say. I never miss a place I’ve moved from. I may miss some aspects of the place, but I don’t ever miss it to the point where a part of me wishes I could move back or that I still lived there.

Molly must not suspect me anymore for voting her as ugly on her poll since she deleted the tweet accusing me. Hmm… Wonder how many other times she’s mentioned me before deleting the tweet.

SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2020 Forgot to charge my phone last night but brought it from 17% to 24% while brushing my teeth. My bottom right molar is still bothering me, too.

Starting to get a little worried that life is going to shit on our plans. I just don’t see an end to this virus anytime soon. One’s plans rarely go as expected if they even go at all. We’re no exception to that rule. So I worry about ending up broke and unable to move.

They can’t keep us locked down forever. If they don’t come up with a vaccine, then sooner or later they’re going to have to let us out and hope for the best.

If by some miracle things do work out, the plan is to get out of here next year. We’ll pack our shit in a shipping container and have it driven to whatever town we choose to live in. Then we’ll fly to a hotel there and hopefully pick out and purchase a place quickly.

Even though it’s been quieter overall with the island closed and the virus going around, I can’t wait to get out of here. Forget about what it sounds like; I just want a newer place for once! I’m tired of living in places built in the last century. I want the date our place was built to start with a 2 for a change.

Not at all surprisingly, I could hear someone sawing, but it was further away so it wasn’t that annoying. Again, I know I’ve said it a million times, but I can’t believe how often they do that here! As in using circular saws. Never lived anywhere like this before. It’s just ridiculous that you hear that so often here of all places.

At least we’re not the only ones with occasional woodpeckers, after all. He and I were sitting out on the bench swing during a quieter moment when we heard a few pecks coming from somewhere across the street. Either on Dahl or Geri’s carport, I’m guessing.

Geri, and someone who was visiting her, were counting my laps when I took the bike around the circle yesterday evening, LOL. She said to do 10 laps and I’ll have gone a mile. Four was enough for me in the heat and the main point was to see if I could catch Dixie out and about. I not only didn’t see her, but she hasn’t responded to my email which is a little unlike her, so I hope everything is okay with her. I’ll take the bike out again this evening but will make it a little later. Maybe she doesn’t go out till after dark.

I lost 2.5 lbs. in 3 days but I’m not sure I want to bother with fasting. If I do, I’ll do it tomorrow. If I had to guess, while I’m sure I wouldn’t lose any weight fasting, I might at least stay the same. If I continue low-carb, however, my weight will automatically reset itself back to where it was on its own. This is what I’m used to and what my body is most comfortable at, so yeah, not sure I want to fast for nothing. I’ll take today to decide whether or not it’s worth doing just to see what happens for sure.

I was thinking of sharing pics when I get up on Facebook instead of Twitter because there are more people I interact with there who could see and enjoy them. I would just make sure they were public so those I wasn’t connected to could see them as well. It’s just that Twitter is dead and no matter how much I try, I really can’t get into it. Pretty sure no one I know follows me there, but if you do, you’ll know why if I decide to deactivate the account. Haven’t decided that one yet, though. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to just leave it sitting there. I don’t have to use it just because it’s there.

Ironically, Molly doesn’t suspect that I’m Penny, but she suspects I voted “no” when she was fishing for compliments by asking in a poll if people thought she was pretty. “I know it’s you, Jodi,” she tweeted. “Admit it. Have a problem with me? We can talk it out.”

Aly must’ve told her that she thinks I’m Penny. But once again…how would she figure that out??? Penny’s tweets are private. Aly could only see them if Molly copied them for her. At least I’m guessing that even though Aly isn’t presently connected to her there she’s at least checking out her tweets.

Ugh, Santa and his fucking mutts! Yeah, they’re more obnoxious in nicer weather.

Too bad about Kim’s younger and only brother being hospitalized with the virus, even though he’s expected to be okay.

FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 2020 It’s gotten even harder for the fish to get around. He was spending most of his time on the floor of the tank. Even though we lowered the water level, it was hard for him to swim up to get his food, so I decided it was time to put him back in the large cup we got him in. He’s sitting on my desk right now. I’ll change the water every few days. Just trying to make his final days as comfortable as I can.

It’s been hotter today at 91° yet I haven’t felt as hot as I did yesterday except for when I was working around the house taking care of laundry, cleaning and the animals. I did several other things as well. I took care of the plants and I even gathered up the colored plastic stones from the fake palm tree pots and put them in a container. We’re not taking the trees, but I figured I would take the stones.

Then we swapped the treadmill and Bowflex so the treadmill would be under the fan, and ran out to Rite Aid. I was surprised to see so many people working there without masks.

I was glad to see in my Facebook newsfeed that there’s a local dentist open 24 hours nearby in case my teeth get worse. My bottom back molar is starting to sting when I eat, and I worry about the cavities opening up to the point where I may need crowns in which case I’m going to tell them to just pull them. I don’t want to play the crown game again or have that kind of expense on us when we’re trying to save everything we can. In fact, if his retirement doesn’t kick in by mid-May, we’re going to start getting worried. Especially since we can’t count on another stimulus check or him getting a job anytime soon.

He was supposed to get a check today but then they said it could take up to 6 weeks, and we’ll supposedly get two checks next month. Yeah, like we can really trust the government to follow through. We can’t get evicted due to this crisis which has seemingly no end in sight, but we still need to eat. So even though I can’t believe anything up there would be quick to kick us out of a place that’s usually noisy, there are other things that could happen that could make life really hard for us.

Yesterday has to have been the quietest weekday in the history of this park. Not even weekends are usually that quiet, though I did hear a few loud vehicles and planes. It’s been pretty quiet today other than when they were picking up the trash but it’s only because of the lockdown and the fact that the island is still closed off.

When the sun starts going down, I’m going to take the bike out around the circle. When I pass Dixie’s place, I’ll look for her.

Ordered new toothbrush heads although it’s still hard to get to the very back teeth. I can reach them, but not as well as the others. I do my best, though. If I don’t hear from the dentist, also around mid-May, I’ll call and see if I can find out what’s going on. If they won’t see me anytime soon, I’ll go to the other dentist even if it’s a guy, and as usual, foreign.

THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 2020 We cleaned some of our jewelry today as well as some of my crystals that will soon be packed.

Dixie sent a message saying she misses our chats and that she’ll be sitting out in the early evening. She also said she had something for me to try on and that I could have it if I like it. Also, someone’s been breaking into her car. Not taking anything but just going into it.

I really hope she’s just imagining things because we leave our car unlocked too. No one seems to mess with anything, not that we have anything valuable in the car. If she is right and not just imagining things, why would someone want to enter her car just for shits and giggles? Someone trying to gaslight her or something?

Her friend Margaret has been sending me some funny memes as well.

It’s not even May and already the motorcycles are getting on my nerves (and Mrs. Twenties). There’s one nearby that loves to sit and rev it up and be totally annoying as fuck. This is part of why I want to go rural. Unless we could find the perfect setting in Florida, as in too good to be true, I’m not interested. We can’t afford to be right on the ocean, so what difference does it make if we’re 10 minutes away or 30 minutes away when we’ll not only have the time to drive there but won’t be going to the beach every single day, anyway?

I’m just sick of all the racket people make, though it has been quiet so far today.

I’ve been warm these last few days and while I hate to be cold and I’ve always loved summer, I wonder why. I know they say that age and excess body fat can make you warm but I’m not that old or fat. Tom is older and has more fat, yet he isn’t too warm. I’ve also read that it’s a side effect of my medication and I’ve definitely noticed this problem since I began the shit. Could also be the hormone thing too. I hate to say it, but I definitely don’t tolerate heat like I used to. I don’t know, maybe living in an endless summer wouldn’t be good for me. It definitely makes sleeping and working out harder and things like that. Just because I’m home a lot doesn’t mean I’m sitting on my ass. I keep busy and often do things that are physical, and I know this can induce hot flashes. Sometimes I can feel warm even when it’s 70 degrees in here when I’m busy cleaning or something like that. Definitely would never want to live anywhere colder than here, though. It would have to be a hell of a house in a hell of a location and even then I would be very hesitant.

I’ve been going back and forth. I started off my day on the warm side, made a point of taking a cooler shower, and I thought that was going to help but now I’m warm again. I’m sleeveless and it’s 76.5 degrees in here. That’s not overly warm. Or is it?

Although I don’t think this dream meant anything, I had a dream I started feeling sick. I was coughing, sneezing and congested. I felt like I was coming down with a cold. I went to take my temperature and it told me I was 66° so I knew I screwed up or the battery was dying. The dream ended before I could get a second reading.

I still don’t fear that will catch the virus despite nearly 200K deaths now, but I would be a bit worried if we did, unlike when it first started. It seemed to kill older people and those with health issues at first but now it seems it can kill anyone. Fortunately, most people do recover from it, but I might be a little nervous if we got it, never knowing what might happen.

We had groceries delivered today and they gave us some freebies. I liked the oatmeal bar but neither of us is interested in the spicy Mexican beans.

I’m down half a pound. Two more pounds and I starve it. May not be very sociable those days since the last thing I’ll want to hear about is food when I’m doing that.

Our insurance now has a thing where we can contact a nurse any time of night or day in an instant. I hope we’ll never need it but it’s nice to know we have it.

Twice yesterday I started to feel faint cramps, but it didn’t amount to anything and I’m good so far today. :-)

Looks like it was Roman that Molly was talking about so I’m guessing Aly is just giving it time before she creates a new account to connect to Molly with. For now, they’re probably keeping in touch on Skype or WhatsApp. I’ll ask her and I’m sure “Penny” will get an answer within a few hours.

Oh! Already got an answer. She says no. Maybe they’re on FB, then. Aly did say she uses it for messaging.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2020 Kim is driving me crazy with long rambling messages again mostly about the virus and June. My first thought was that it was time to cry speaker/mic problems and go back to texting. It’s easier to skim words with my eyes than her 15 minutes’ worth of telling me the same old, same old.

But then again, I know what she’s saying so there’s no reason I can’t just skim through the first few seconds of the many messages. I don’t have to listen to every word.

But really, I tell her that her 14 messages are a bit too much and I wake up to 17. Stupid, stupid, dumbass idiot! And the funny thing was that she said she agreed to cut back. I’m so fucking sick of mental cases! People like her, Molly, Marie and the termites are no longer the kinds of people I can stomach. It’s one thing to be moody every now and then like we all are, but it’s another thing to be insane and always miserable. I don’t care if I sound mean or if these people can’t help being the way they are. I just can’t tolerate and deal with them anymore. I see what they mean when they say people get less tolerant with age. I’m just tired of those who are always down or angry, those who are totally stuck on themselves without much empathy if any at all, and those who just don’t listen to a damn thing you say. If you can’t do a simple little favor like cutting your messages back, what can you do? I do appreciate the way Kim is always there but her being home all the time is really making her one hell of a pest. Especially when she keeps telling me the same things over and over again. I need sane, considerate, compassionate, honest, and at least somewhat intelligent/normal people in my life!

Been bringing my dream blog up to date. I stopped updating it in 2016, so I’m bringing it up to date from there little by little, pulling dreams from journals.

Interestingly enough, I had a dream about Ruth O, though I can’t remember what it was about. Sorry, I can’t call her Aunt Ruth because she never cared to be an aunt to me.

Took the bikes out for the first time this year. Definitely going to be a while before I get back in riding shape but I was off to a great start. All the walking and jogging I do helps. Bob and Virginia were driving out as we were heading out, so it was nice to say hello to them and let them see we’re still alive and all that.

Some guy walking a dog in a motorized wheelchair commented on my colorful bike as I passed by. Not sure if I’ll take it with me when we move, though, since it’s not the greatest bike. Also, I just looked at adult tricycles and would LOVE to get one when we move. Because I’m so short, I have to jump off the seat when stopping, even with 24” wheels. With smaller wheels, my feet reach the pavement, but I’m underpowered, especially going uphill. On flat land like in Florida, smaller wheels would be fine but if I stuck with 24”, I wouldn’t have to jump off the seat. I don’t like the ones where you sit low to the ground. They just don’t look like they’d be much fun. Plus, they’d really restrict your view.

They could finish laying the new pavers down on the island today which will kind of suck because then the motorcycles and other ferociously loud vehicles can zoom right by the bedroom. It’s going to be horrible once the lockdown is lifted so I just gotta remind myself it’s only for one more year.

Eager to move or not, Tom wishes he could be permanently retired. He loves his life now. He said he could never get sick of coding, writing, gaming, exercising and taking care of the outside. I’m enjoying the lockdown too since it’s keeping things quieter, but we really do need to get back to the land of the living in order to help us get out of here. Sadly, it isn’t looking like he’s going to be able to get work anytime soon, though. Like maybe not until the end of the summer. I wasn’t kidding when I said I had a bad feeling that something up there might make it hard for us to get out of here. As fun as this may be and as great as my mental state has been, especially where the inside is concerned since he’s been home all the time, he’s got to get back to work and I’ve got to get to a dentist. Either way, though, even if the lockdown lasted a year, we’re outa this fucking place next year.

Back on my low-carb diet since all the naughties have run out. I didn’t gain back everything I lost, though. I’m one pound shy of that. I decided to low-carb it and then starve it. Tom insists that even I would lose weight if I starved after I was saying the other day that I could do that and still hold my weight. So to prove that he’s wrong and to remind myself that I’m right, I’m going to starve for a day or two once my weight gets back down to its usual low. I’ll have a meal replacement shake in the middle of my day, though, cuz I don’t want to pass out just to prove a point. So…low-carb it, then starve it. Occasional fasting is said to be good for the body anyway.

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2020 I can’t get in the mood to work on my story today. It’s just not the greatest story I’ve ever come up with. I’ve still got plenty of time to hit my 10K-word goal, though.

The saw fanatic came around yesterday after just one day shy of 3 weeks, but fortunately I didn’t hear much sawing. He actually spent more time indoors than outdoors being annoying.

Today it was my other side to go cramping on me. Really hope it’s just gas! I think so since it’s unlikely to be on the sides if it was my uterus. It’s also unlikely for one ovary to pick on me one day and then the other the next day.

Love how much quieter traffic is with the lockdown and the island closed. Oh, I still hear plenty of loud vehicles and there were a handful of low-flying helicopters today too, but nothing like usual. This won’t last forever, though. Personally, I’m ready to take on more noise so I can get my teeth done and he can get a job to help get us out of here. He’s enjoying the lockdown, though, because he has so many things that he’s enjoying doing that he couldn’t do much of while working so many hours. Some of it will hopefully help us get out of here, too.

I’d be more than willing to work my ass off if there was a way I could do so from home that would be profitable other than just a few bucks here and a few bucks there on books that rarely get bought or downloaded.

It’s 78 degrees inside the house and I love being able to go sleeveless and barefoot once again. I have the fan on now. Looking forward to the summery weather we should have for the next half a year.

Although I know I shouldn’t have, I couldn’t resist befriending Molly from my health account. I just changed the name and got rid of any tweets that might give me away. After she accepted, I went private. It’s amazing how much information I can get out of her, much of which she volunteers on her own. She wasted no time telling me about that guy Caesar who attacked her many years ago. It was the first thing she told me when she first reached out to me over a decade ago. She’s still the exact same Molly overall.

Although it may be wrong, she’ll always be none the wiser as long as Aly doesn’t happen to find out who I am and give her a heads-up. She can see the bogus name of Penny and my false bio about being an animal-loving Christian who plays tennis, but nothing else.

I became curious when I read some of Molly’s tweets about being dumped and noticed that Aly’s account disappeared. I was starting to think she might be referring to Aly after tweeting that “unknown guy” was telling her he was dumping her because she was bad for his mental health, something Aly would say. I thought that maybe that was Aly’s way of telling her how she felt but then I realized that Aly wouldn’t pretend to be someone else while explaining why she was dumping someone. The tweets about being sorry for not being there for her have disappeared, another thing that made me think Aly dumped her.

Then I asked her who her besties were, and sure enough, she was very quick to give names. A couple of girls in Marbridge and Aly as well. So if Aly has dumped her, she doesn’t know it. I doubt Aly would ever dump her at this point and I’m sure she’ll create a new account to connect with her on anytime now. And block me, of course.

MONDAY, APRIL 20, 2020 I hear something loud cruising around out there and it’s only 7am. Ridiculous. If you can’t get peace in a retirement community, where can you get it? Perhaps the Florida panhandle? Well, that’s one option. We looked at what was available in that area as far as land with newer houses goes and it would definitely be a lot more peaceful there. Unfortunately, it can freeze during the winter but overall the winters are much warmer there. We never have 75-degree days in December or 80-degree days in January here.

I looked at crime and racial demographics to get an idea of where there may be more poverty and crime like gang activity to avoid and as long as we don’t go up to the state border, we should be okay. This is just one of many options, though, because it’s still way too soon to decide on anything for sure.

The more shit I have to put up with here, the less open I am to going to another park. Unless it’s an amazing house with an amazing view in an amazing location within the park and an amazing location around the park, I think I would prefer to return to country living. Just being able to have our own private little inflatable pool that we can use any time of night or day without having to worry about it being closed or wild brats being around would be nice.

As expected, I’m up a pound even though I shouldn’t be. So I decided that it would be pointless to go low-carb every single day. Whenever I bottom out and my weight goes into auto-reset, it won’t kill me to indulge in a few processed goodies for variety. Then when I’m up a few pounds, I can low-carb the few pounds back off. Still don’t know why my body won’t let its weight off but I guess it must feel it needs it. It hasn’t killed me yet, though.

Groceries will be delivered in about an hour and I’m going to enjoy a lazy day. Did a lot of work yesterday on various things around the house so it’s nice to relax every now and then. Not even going to go out walking. It’s very cloudy out there today and only expected to get up to 70 degrees. They called off the rain, though. After tomorrow we’ll be in for summery weather until November.

I still have cramps on and off and lately, they seem to be concentrated more on my right side. Can’t be a hundred percent sure they’re coming from any of my lady parts but it seems like they are. Still don’t think anything is wrong, though. I’m not about to run to doctors every time I feel something funny. Unless I’m in tremendous debilitating pain, I’m not going to doctors other than for my usual check-ups.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2020 I love it when I have funny dreams instead of the usual depressing or scary ones. But first, I hope today is quieter than yesterday. The road is still closed and there is still less traffic overall which is great and not as many planes, but I swear I heard five or six different rounds of landscaping in the area yesterday which is ridiculous. So it isn’t just every day but multiple times a day.

I’m a little light-headed today because I’m in ketosis but my weight is as low as it will go so I’m adding a few more carbs today with some OJ.

First I had some kind of dream that had to do with discussing significant weight loss with my doctor.

The funny one was where the termite wanted a job as a titty dancer and was turned down. She stormed off dejectedly, and I was surprised when the guy said I could have the job even though I was much older and heavier than the last time I worked the T&A clubs.

I turned down the job because of my sleep disorder but then out of curiosity, I decided to show up that night since I’d be available just to see how much I could make. I may have been older and heavier, but I did have big ones.

I tried to explain to one of the women who worked there that I wouldn’t be able to dance every night and why but of course she didn’t get it. I asked how often I would dance not knowing if they rotated their dancers or what and she said, “Anytime you can.”

So I changed into my costume and applied my pasties when I began to dance about the customers at their tables. The place looked more like a diner than a club. There was no stage or anything like that. Then I realized I forgot my heels so I quickly ran and slipped those on.

One of the customers I danced for was a police officer but he didn’t seem very friendly. So I wound my way through the tables where a bunch of younger guys sat and then I realized I hadn’t told Tom where I was going and that he may be worried, wondering where the hell I was. I danced a while longer and then decided I would call and have him pick me up.

When it came time to collect my earnings for the night, I found that I hadn’t gotten a single cent. Instead, my payment was 18 slices of bacon.

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2020 Why did I just get a notification on my phone from WhatsApp when nothing new is there? Oh, wait. Someone named Kim with a business account that’s in the medical field contacted me saying she was on WA now. She likely sent it to me by mistake.

Edited and posted the excerpts documenting the termites’ shit and even allowed for anonymous comments. Just curious if anything comes in. I really want to be careful while we’re still here so I decided that when we move I will unblock them and see if they message me. If they message me first, I’ll send them the link to the excerpts. If they don’t, I’ll wait a year after we’ve moved and then send it. I definitely do want them to see them if they haven’t already.

The park is fucking with us again. There was a notice demanding that we weed this and trim that, blah, blah, blah. But that’s what he’s been doing the last couple of days! Who the fuck do these people think they are anyway, our parents? I feel like a fucking kid all over again… Do your homework, clean your room…well, we’re not fucking children! Yet I almost feel like I’m on probation. We’re going to do what we’re going to do, and they can go fuck themselves.

It’s ironic that it comes the day after I leave an anonymous message about nighttime motorcycles and my first thought was, holy shit, they somehow know it’s me! But then complaints didn’t always follow past messages so I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Joy can still shove a rolling pin up her ass.

They had their fucking parade again yesterday instead of the 15th, but they didn’t go around the circle, so it wasn’t that loud.

Yesterday I did a quick run just to see how my uterus would react. I had faint intermittent cramps yesterday and was seriously beginning to worry that I might possibly have uterine cancer even though I wasn’t bleeding. I definitely have several risk factors… Being fat, over 50, starting periods early, not hitting menopause by 51, never having kids.

Uterine cancer is rare but then so is circadian rhythm disorder and atresia.

Then Tom had an interesting theory I never thought of and it seems like he could be right. I sure hope so, anyway! I contemplated getting the ultrasound done and over with next week so I would either get the peace of mind of knowing that everything was okay or God forbid told what I don’t want to hear, especially when we’re trying to save all we can to get out of here next year. But then he suggested that due to my taking my medication more often and my thyroid levels being close to normal, that’s likely what triggered the late period. He thinks the cramps were my body trying to generate another period. It makes sense and I do hope he’s right, even though my dumbass body should know it’s getting too old for this shit.

I did some spells as I was falling asleep yesterday and today I’ve been fine which is quite a relief. I’ve had enough of doctors anyway!

Today I did another two-mile walk/jog and felt great. Went a little earlier than I should have because it was still dark by the time I hit Oak. Never saw any skunks, though. The turkeys started gobbling even while they were still up in the trees. Never saw any vehicles. Just one dog walker. Love how the smell of Jasmine is more prominent now. So with the exception of a few planes, it was a very peaceful walk.

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2020 Now I not only have a mysterious lump at the base of my neck, but mysterious cramps, too. Pretty sure they’re coming from my uterus, though I’m not having any bleeding. I wish to hell I’d needed a hysterectomy decades ago when I was younger and tougher. That way I not only would have skipped out on tons of periods over the years, but I also wouldn’t have to worry about anything going wrong with body parts I didn’t have.

Yesterday I walked the entire park perimeter for the first time in ages. It took me 40 minutes to go the 2 miles. I did a little bit of jogging along the way. Before I even got back, I noticed I had faint cramps. They picked up a little when I got home and I had to take Ibuprofen. They came and went for the rest of the day. I know that exercise can induce period-like cramps, but I still worry. With us now in our final year here I’m naturally going to be paranoid about anything bad coming up at the last minute to hold us back. It seems that from what I read it can be anything from the uterus lining thinning with age to fibroids which are usually non-cancerous to uterine cancer. Hopefully, it’s nothing serious and might not even be coming from any of my lady parts, even though it seems to be.

I don’t know if I was dreaming or if I really had cramps in my sleep, but I woke up an hour or two earlier than expected. So I’m a little tired today and therefore I don’t know if I’m going to do any walking. I am going to sprint for as long as I can stand on the treadmill later on because I want to see if it induces cramps or not to get a better sense of what it may be.

My main reason for not going to the GYN is still that the exams they want to do are too painful. And even if they weren’t I don't need any kind of expensive medical procedure, it could really delay the move. This is an independent nation. We’re expected to take care of our own medical needs and right now that’s the last thing we need.

Right after my last entry, there wasn’t one but two fucking motorcycles that went tearing out of here at 3:30 yesterday morning. They sounded like they came up out of the circle. Probably from that cock across from Dixie.

Had a dream we were living in a rural place. It didn’t seem like any place we’d ever moved to but because it was so vivid, I wonder if it was a glimpse into another dimension. I was standing at the end of a long winding driveway in a wooded area similar to Jesse’s. I gazed across the street and looked at these two, two-story houses that were about 200 feet from the road and 400 feet apart from each other and thought how perfect they would be for us.

Then I turned and headed back to our place. I don’t know what it looked like or if we were renting the place or not, but towards the foot of the driveway about 50 feet into a thinly wooded area, was another house. A woman went to visit a woman who lived there, and I thought I saw some exercise equipment when they opened the door to let their visitor in.

Aly’s 39 today. Finally found Molly’s account again now that she mentioned her group home in her tweets along with her name. Can’t believe she’s connected to the guy in Iowa who beat her, but then I can. Wonder what she meant, though when she tweeted, “I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. I’m sorry if it was not me holding your hand. I’m sorry about your loss. I’m sorry I choose to leave than staying by your side.”

Sorry about what loss?

Anyway, I’m surprised she never mentions me. Maybe she really can move on from some people. Even though her tweets are private, Aly hasn’t tweeted in a while. I wonder if she’s not too happy with Molly right now and is giving her the silent treatment.

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2020 Not much to report other than that I’m enjoying the way the lockdown is keeping things quieter around here even if I miss going out whenever wherever with no face mask and would like to get my cavities taken care of. However, it’s been a whole two weeks since the saw cock has been around, so I’m sure the bastard will be over anytime now to do its thing. Especially with me rolling onto days where I’ll be awake to hear it unless I hibernate in the bedroom with the air cleaner on high.

The motorcycle came in again at 1am which should be leaving anytime now. People visiting where my parents lived in the '80s and '90s in the middle of the night in a car was probably unheard of let alone on a motorcycle of all things. It’s not as loud because it can’t come up Astro with the island closed off, but once it can, it could wake me up without the extra sound machine. So I’m going to have to go with double protection even at night until it gets cold again in November. If we weren’t planning to get out of here next year, I would be very tempted to hunt and confront the prick. Pretty sure the fucker is on the dead-end in back.

I lost the few pounds I gained when slacking off my low-carb diet, and again, I thank God I thought to research this diet because while I can never lose more than a few pounds with my disease, it’s a quick and easy way to get back down after gaining a few pounds which I’m sure I’ll do at times. Definitely not as hard and as hungry as when I used to go low-cal, though I am a bit hungrier today because I went down 1.6 lbs in one day. It’s okay to have extra carbs once a week, though. Like the rice milk I wanted to try that I got. It’s the best-tasting milk ever because it’s so sweet.

My GYN finally gave up on me. I wonder if every Monday until she leaves, her office is going to call wanting to get me in that week, LOL.

Going for a walk at 6:30 when the sun will start coming up and send the skunks off to bed. I went for a midnight walk the other night, avoiding the street the skunks are more likely to be hanging out on and didn’t see anything I didn’t want to see.

TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 2020 I can hear the freeway which means I can hear planes as well. Yesterday, I was just falling asleep when I heard a loud rumbling. Right outside the bedroom window and close enough to read the writing on somebody’s shirt, was a huge truck with the new pavers for the island area. A forklift was pulling them off the truck and setting them down by the island. Fortunately, they weren’t there long, and I was able to sleep okay. I can just imagine the hammering to come, though. As I said a million times, this place is ridiculous. One annoying thing after another.

Sure enough, there was a message from my GYN’s office. She must really be worried for me or miss the hell out of me, LOL. They didn’t call until 4:30.

Biden is talking about lowering the age of Medicare to 60 if he gets elected, but it’s all talk until and if I ever see otherwise. It’s more of a concern about who gets into the Senate and the House as opposed to who gets elected president. Where Liberals believe in that saying, “live and let live,” for Republicans it’s all control, control, control. I don’t know why they feel they have to change others and try to force them to be like they are. We can be who we are without changing others, but they don’t seem to get this.

What I don’t get is why Republicans would want people to be without their basic needs. Is it just funny to them? Do they get off on it? Is it all about knowing they can control people and the thrill of having power over them? Or do they just not understand what it’s like to have to do without things since they’ve never been down that road themselves?

Yes, there are a lot of welfare bums out there. There are a lot of people on welfare that shouldn’t be. But some people really truly do need help and I don’t think they understand or get that. People who have never had to do without seem to automatically assume that others haven’t had to do without or that there’s no need for them to, almost as if they asked to get in a jam in the first place and can quickly correct it at the snap of their fingers. Well, that’s not the way it works, you over-privileged, pathetic shitsters!

When I was going through all my tarnished and nasty-looking toe rings, I noticed a silver one with blue gemstones that still looked brand new. I looked it up in our Amazon orders and found that it has a zirconia coating which keeps it from tarnishing. I put it on one of my toes and it looks dazzling. :-) If it continues to look as nice as it does now, I’ll get another one in a different color at some point.

It’s now looking like Cali’s lockdown will end on the first. Good! Then he can finally get a job and I can get my cavities filled. We talked about how his making a lot of money might make it tempting to stay a few more months to save more in order to give us even more options for moving, but I can’t believe he’d ever be paid fairly for once in his life. I think that if anything up there is going to try to trap us here it’s going to do it with my health. I don’t know what or how, but that would be my first guess.

I’m editing journal entries pertaining to this shit I went through with the termites to make it a little more readable. I don’t know if I’ll send it to them or if they’ll eventually stumble upon the excerpts on their own if they haven’t already, but I do intend for them to see them someday. And get the last word. :) I just want to wait till we’ve been gone for over a year so that if they get this address and send anything, it won’t be forwarded.

What bothers me is that Tom has to leave not only his email address on his apps in the app store but our address as well. I just hope they’re not smart enough to think to look this up. If they really want to get contact info, though, all they have to do is pay for it.

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2020 I changed not only the cover of my book on NaNo but also the title to Perfect Pitch. The doctor in the story is going to have a safe and the nanny will remember the tones she hears whenever the doctor unlocks it so she can rip her off and all that while she hides out next door with her gorgeous neighbor as they plot against her and so on and so forth.

I lost one of the 3 lbs I gained but don’t know if I really want to go keto for 6 weeks. In reading more about it, I found that you typically don’t get long-term results from it. About 2 weeks is normal. Besides, I kind of like myself as I am and would rather just be whatever I was meant to be. Well, within reason. I would still like to keep from gaining. Might not be down another pound tomorrow, though, because I’m polishing off the last of the no-nos.

Decided not to do daily prompts anymore on Prosebox because it was beginning to feel too much like a homework assignment, and I got sick of doing it.

Not much else to say other than that I’m enjoying the wonderfully peaceful nights and our beautiful weather. Still getting a little chilly really early in the morning, though.

Wonder how many times my GYN’s office will attempt to reach me tomorrow.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12, 2020 It’s kind of funny how I was thinking that my journals wouldn’t be understandable in 20K years as language evolves when my oldest ones are barely understandable now. Yeah, I was a really shitty writer. I’m not about to go through 10K pages of journals, though, when I still don’t think I’ll actually share them after I’m gone, and even if I did, changing them too much takes away from what they were/are.

Almost 109K people have died from the virus. Again, we don’t mind being locked down. We’re homebodies who do well with extra time on our hands for the most part, but it’s getting kind of old at the same time. We have to schedule groceries for delivery days in advance, they’re out of damn near everything, I worry my cavities may worsen before I get back to the dentist, and having to wear a mask when we go out gets old, too. My face is hypo puffy but small by stature at the same time, so using my long floral scarf covers me easily.

Still love how much quieter it’s keeping the roads and the skies, though. it’s been dead quiet tonight. This is the way it should be every night everywhere. I’m sure I’ll hear some small planes or helicopters at some point but so far, it’s been wonderful.

Went for a half-hour walk at dusk, and it was nice.

Only I could gain 3 lbs in one day, LOL, even if it’s my fault because yesterday I ate mostly processed stuff and too much of it. Didn’t exercise either. Thank God I discovered the power of low carbs so I can lose those few pounds in no time. If I hadn’t done my research and homework on this thing, I would have probably gained steadily all my life. I mean, why would any doctor be smart enough to tell me about it, right? I’m still hypo, though, so it’s not going to have the kind of long-term effect it would have on most people. It isn’t just that processed foods put weight on me but it’s definitely not good for me and is more expensive. Luckily for me, I have learned to cook, and I actually enjoy it too.

They now have all the old pavers in the island removed and sitting in a pile around the wooden frame they were in. Really hope whatever they do to fill it in and make it smooth doesn’t wake me up. I don’t think it will since it’s a few houses away. Hopefully, car doors slamming won’t wake me up tomorrow either since I’m guessing that most people are going to want to come here for Easter instead of the other way around since the people here are old and shouldn’t be going anywhere.

Yeah, thanks to Easter and people shopping online like crazy, even though Walmart now limits you to only two items per order, I can’t get any fucking eggs. I’m going low-carb for at least 6 weeks and I doubt that 6 weeks of eggs would kill me. That is when I can get them.

We ran out to Rite Aid earlier with our homemade masks. Some people were wearing masks and some weren’t. They put a shield up at the register. We went straight for what we wanted and got out of there fast. I was surprised the store wasn’t crowded. I didn’t get any snacks, but he got a couple of packs of Zingers. He swears he’s never having chips again since they mess up his stomach.

I got my mini bottles of wine and took the last 6 merlots along with a couple of others. So anyone coming in after me looking forward to mini merlots will be disappointed.

I definitely do have TMJ be it because of my ear surgeries or not, because last night the pain I had definitely radiated within my jaw.

My nails are getting better, but I still have some of that reddish-purple discoloration as well as some lifting in a few nails. The yellow tinge has lessened quite a bit. It’s hard not to run and polish them. I hate for my nails to be unpolished!

Read more about the sterile saline water they fill the uterus with to enlarge it a bit in order to get better images. They can’t do it if you’re pregnant, though. I’m definitely not going to have this done. I might have considered the ultrasound if it didn’t take 30-60 minutes, but no thanks. As long as I’m not having any problems, I’m not interested.

Didn’t work on my story yesterday, so back on with that tonight.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 2020 The fucking trash and recycle trucks woke me up, not surprisingly. It isn’t just the insanely loud engines but the way the arms that stick off the trucks to pick the bins up slam them back down on the ground really hard that’s so loud. Oh, to return to the days of trash pickup not interfering with my sleep!

Reading the science behind low-carb diets is pretty interesting. They’re definitely easier than a low-calorie diet. Like any diet, though, my body will only let off a few pounds but it’s so much easier to low-carb those few extra pounds off than to damn near starve myself!

A part of me is still tempted to go on a strict low-carb diet for 6 weeks because I’m curious to see what happens, but since I’m virtually certain that I know what would happen, I don’t want to deprive myself of some no-no’s along the way even though 6 weeks wouldn’t be forever. I’ll think about it, though. Maybe I’ll start on April 15th and do it until June.

For years now I’ve had no desire to be young and skinny again even though I do miss my good vision. But if I could be young and skinny for just an hour a day in order to cam some extra money, why not? Doing it in the privacy of your own home has got to be safer than dancing in the clubs I once danced in.

But then as soon as I was done for the day, I would jump back into my older, bigger body. Life has been easier for me in general the older and bigger I’ve gotten because no one bothers me. When I was young and skinny, I got hit on and pestered quite a bit but then I guess most young women do. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so annoying had men been my regular cup of tea. But yeah, give me my young, 100-lb body back for an hour each day and I’ll gladly use it to cam some extra dough and then jump back into the me of today. :-)

My GYN and her staff really are a bunch of fucking idiots. It’s gotten to the point where it’s gone from frustrating to downright laughable. I already decided that risky or not, I will never let myself have PAPs or the boob squeeze, and Tom’s fine with that decision as well. Life is about taking chances. I want to enjoy the 20-something years I have left. Not have objects stuck up my body that doesn’t exactly tickle or my titties thrown in a vise. I won’t even get into the ass cams!

When I got up, I checked for messages and when I saw I had a voice message, my first thought was that it was Dixie. Then I found it was from Dr. G’s office and that she wanted to see me next week. At first, I thought it was an old message I was sure I had deleted but didn’t. Then I saw that it was from yesterday morning and I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me! This is a joke, right? But nope, no joke. She really wants to see me next week and the woman said to call to schedule me.

Either the GYN is really worried about me to the point that she thinks I’m going to die or her staff is really getting their wires crossed and their messages mixed up or they’re actually trying to go out of their way to annoy me.

Anyway, I’m probably just going to ignore messages from that office from now on. I know I’m all right, and I don’t see the point in risking getting the virus for nothing. Furthermore, even if there wasn’t a virus going on, I’m not going to have my uterus cut with me wide awake. I can barely stand regular PAPs that’s how much I hate doctors messing with my lady parts, and I’m not eager to have my tits squashed either.

That mystery lump in my neck sometimes worries me more than anything else. It seems to come and go and I have no idea what it is but I know that that too, can’t be serious. It would have killed me by now as long as I’ve had it. Because of the way it comes and goes I’m thinking it’s a lymph node that sometimes gets swollen since I can’t believe nodules would come and go. Tom thinks it could be some kind of weird muscle or tendon. I hope that’s all it is!

My ear has been continuing to annoy me and I really hope he’s right when he says I just need it cleaned because I still feel like there’s something more going on besides just needing to be cleaned and TMJ. Most of the pain is centered around the ear which makes me think I’ve got nerve damage from the surgeries I’ve had. Or nodules growing on the ends of the nerves. This takes time to build up so it would explain why this problem took ten years after surgery to start. So it’s been bothering me for 15 years now, and if I have another 20-something years left to live, that means this is likely to end up being a problem for about half of my life. Could also still be something wrong with the tube connecting the ear and throat. As I’ve learned, even the best doctors don’t always know it all and you can’t always count on them to help you as much as you need them to.

This may sound funny but sometimes I wish I had family nearby almost as much as I’m glad I don’t. I just kind of miss the security of having family be it on my side or his side within driving distance, especially in case of an emergency, but there was so much more negative to having them local than anything else. His family gave up on us in the end and ceased to give a shit and what’s left of mine are nothing but mean, selfish, stupid, vindictive assholes. So while the thought of a caring family and a close friend living locally may be a comforting thought, it really is just a fantasy.

This should be it. We should be well on our way toward summer. :) I removed the blanket. During the colder months, there’s the cover sheet, a fleece blanket and then a quilt. I yanked the blanket off today. We shouldn’t need much heat until November. I’m not even going to put it on tonight.

Ugh, we’re officially back to the late-night motorcycle visiting at times. Figured we would be anytime now. So now I have to keep both sound machines on even when I sleep at night until it gets cold again.

I was reading an entry Kim did on lying. I guess someone she works with lied about being on Facebook. I asked Aly if she has or would dump a friend for lying. She said it depended on whether the lie affected her or their friendship.

But lies do affect us and our friendships. I get that we all have our different opinions on liars. Sometimes I wish I could simply shrug the lies I’m occasionally told off and accept the fact that hey, people lie. Liars are everywhere. I’m not always even a hundred percent honest myself even though I do try my best to be.

Well, to each their own but I still find that hard to do because it isn’t just the lies that can hurt or anger a person but there’s an after-effect of lying as well. I’m not sure people realize or think of this beforehand. When you lie to someone, you not only hurt and anger them when they catch you in the lie, but then they can’t trust you in the future. Is that what people want?

I think people should stop and think about the long-term effects and not just the immediate effects of lying. I don’t always want to be questioning people and wondering if they’re telling me the truth or not, but the more you lie and the bigger the lies get, that’s exactly what happens. It’s only human nature. I wouldn’t just have a hard time believing things they told me in the future, but I would hesitate to open up to them about personal things as well. I wish that instead, I could be one of those who wasn’t affected by people’s dishonesty but unfortunately, I’m not one of them.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 2020 Crashed a little earlier last night, even with a second cup of coffee at the end of my day and slept forever. Like 10 hours or maybe a little more. I still didn’t beat yesterday’s wake-up time by much. I don’t know why I’ve been sleeping so long but it doesn’t seem to hurt me, so I’m not worried. I can’t remember my dreams even though I know I had several.

Tomorrow I’m not going to get much sleep because it’s trash day. :( In a year from now, I will hopefully never have to worry about trash day interfering with my sleep. The island is still closed off but I know they’re going to go by the house to get to Blucher.

I went out walking today and again it was cloudy but nice. Just one small plane went by. It was low enough that I could see its wheels.

We transferred songs onto my phone from my computer and I’m using the music player I used on my old phone. I didn’t realize it would cost money to use a playlist on YouTube because as I left the house it would switch from Wi-Fi to data.

I got a 15-day skincare sampler called Reversol in the mail today. It’s quite a generous sample, too. It comes with a cleanser, moisturizer, and mask.

Low-carb diets really are amazing. In two days I lost the two pounds I had gained simply by returning to unprocessed and low-carb stuff. No hunger, no effort. WAY easier than going low-cal. Sometimes I think maybe I should really try to stick to it since it’s easier than a low-cal diet, and see if I really can lose more than a few pounds after doing it for a couple of months or so, but nope. This is my size/weight, and this is how it stays. :-) Seeing that there are so many women half my age wearing dress sizes in the 20s, I don’t think being a size 12 is really all that bad. Plus, I can always change my mind later on if I want to. Right now it’s just not a top priority of mine. Simply not gaining is enough for me at the moment.

We changed the pigs’ liners today. This is definitely the best setup we’ve had so far. It’s the easiest on us and the least smelly. I still wouldn’t have gotten them if I’d known we were going to move sooner than I thought, even though I’ll miss how they squeal excitedly when they hear me get up. As soon as I step out of the bedroom - Week! Week! Week! Week!

It was nice not to wake up to any messages from doctors’ offices today. I remembered another thing my GYN told me when I last saw her in person about the biopsy. She said something about filling or inserting something that enlarges the uterus. This was never brought up when I talked to them a couple of days ago. As I said, the entire story had pretty much changed. First they knock everybody out for this and then nope, they just go in there with you wide awake and cut a piece of your uterus. That would be like having teeth pulled without Novocaine!

I haven’t been as congested since I ran out of incense. Well, I didn’t exactly run out. I just ran out of the fragrances I like. I’ve been using the diffuser in the kitchen and the wax warmer in the bedroom. I just switched from First Winter Blizzard to Strawberries & Cream. Peach Blossom is going in the kitchen after I had Vintage Rose going.

Worked on my story a bit earlier and I don’t think this one is going to be as good The Landlord. But I’m going to finish it either way. I hate unfinished stories.

I finally decided to just come out and ask Aly who she was referring to when she tweeted about thinking of ghosting someone. The fact that she had the tweets public for a little while told me she wanted the person she was talking about to see them.

Well, she claims it was a real-life friend but she didn’t have to ghost them because after a week of not hearing from them, they proved not to care and she deleted them from her contacts. I’m not sure I buy it. Why couldn’t she have told me this from the get-go? And why would she have to think about ghosting someone who was apparently ghosting her first? Why would she have to do a better job of making herself harder to find if this person was ignoring her to begin with?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 2020 My schedule is still rolling faster and I’m still not sure why either. I mean, it’s no big deal as long as it never gets erratic which I don’t expect it to. If it was erratic, it would be much harder to calculate appointments. If this trend keeps up, I just may have to adjust the length of my day in the program. He’s still fine-tuning things but should have a copy in the Google Play store soon enough. Then my bestie can download it if she wants.

Can’t help but smile when I think of her because of how well she gets and accepts me. We agreed not to ghost Kim but just kind of pull back a bit from her, and definitely not tell her if she ever visits me because where Aly and I may have known each other for 12 years, they’ve known each other for 18. So why hurt her feelings needlessly?

Because Kim is bombarding me with so many voice messages that I can’t speed up or skim through in the way that I can with text, I may claim that I’m having audio issues so we can go back to texting. That way I can take in a lot more and quicker, even though she doesn’t text as much as she talks.

So it was me Aly was talking about ghosting on Twitter? Especially since she never denied it. Aly said she would never ghost Kim. Well, if it wasn’t me she was tweeting about ghosting, then who? She obviously wanted the person to see the tweets and she seemed to know that the person was aware of her Twitter account. So if it wasn’t me, I can’t help but wonder who the hell it was. Even though she said she wouldn’t end our friendship without talking to me first, I can’t help but think it was me and I doubt I’m just being paranoid. If I’m right, it sucks she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I do, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

I woke up to two messages from Dr. G’s office asking that I return their call. I was able to answer the third call. I swear I would drop that GYN like a hot potato if we were sticking around! She and her staff are just so fucking disorganized! I started really getting frustrated on the phone and then the nurse could see that the messages were from two days ago and apologized for the confusion. She was talking about the appointments as if they were still on and I told her, no, they’ve been canceled, and we already went through this by phone and over the portal. Again, the GYN is a nice lady but between failing to do a skin biopsy on me and then misdiagnosing me, as well as miscommunication amongst her staff more than once, she’s definitely not someone I could recommend. Others complained about that on Yelp as well.

Heard some hammering today but that’s just a regular Lakeview Village soundscape. It wasn’t at Dahl’s place, though. I’m guessing it was down by the island. I talked to a couple of guys working there as I was out on my walk. They’ve had it roped off which is probably part of why I’ve been sleeping so well since loud traffic can’t go by our house unless they’re coming or going to Blucher, a small street. Anyway, they are going to replace the pavers and make that area nice and smooth. Good. My bike will appreciate it instead of hitting all those loose and bumpy cobblestones with it.

As I told Tom, I told you so. I told you they’d be working in the road again before we left. This may be better than them jackhammering right outside our windows but still. And I still wouldn’t assume they won’t tear up the roads by our house or anywhere else either.

I think I’ve been sleeping so much better because I don’t have any immediate appointments, it has been quieter with the road blocked off and the virus going around, and he’s home all the time too. His being home all the time is something I have mixed emotions about. I still like some alone time and even though I could just go in the other room and shut the door, it’s not the same as when he’s either not home or asleep. I just like a little privacy at times, especially since I don’t type very much anymore and like to use my voice.

I wasn’t happy to learn that they’re going to do another parade on the 15th. They’re not only failing to socially distance themselves that way but being annoying to others instead.

They’re also going to do an Easter egg hunt but that wouldn’t cause them to socialize in any way. They said to color Easter eggs and put them in your window, and they’ll drive around and take a count or something like that. I’m not exactly sure how Easter egg hunts work since I grew up in a Jewish household, and I don’t really care, LOL.

Anyway, I enjoyed my walk. It was cloudy, so I didn’t have the sun in my eyes and the temperature was perfect. Went out in a sweatshirt when it was 60°. Walking around here is the only thing I’m going to miss. I’m also going to miss running around out there in the middle of the night in shorts and a tank but there are simply too many skunks here.

I created a music list for walking on YouTube. I’m tired of using my old phone because sometimes I forget to charge it and it doesn’t hold its charge for long.

Still feeling good and still back on full doses and full waiting time. I’d love to be able to go another seven weeks before I have to taper off my dose and waiting time, but I don’t expect to go that long again.

I’m glad we’ll know if Trump is going to be re-elected before we move because I don’t know that I’ll want to stay in the country if he does. If the Senate turns all-Republican, there goes both women’s and LGBT rights. Roe vs. Wade could be overturned as well as gay marriage banned and all kinds of other things. Well, even though these things wouldn’t affect us personally, that pretty much paves the way for things to happen that could affect us. What the hell country slips so far back into the dark ages like that? I’m not saying it will but it’s very possible if he gets re-elected. I still can’t believe no one’s tried to take a pop at him. I really can’t. Tom doesn’t think Roe vs. Wade will get overturned but who would have thought someone like Trump would have been elected in the first place?

I had a dream that the black bitch in Arizona dumped some old clothes of hers somewhere and I thought it was too bad that she was so much thinner than me because I really liked her style, the clothes were in good condition, and I would’ve taken them. In reality, I’d touch something of hers as quickly as I’d touch a tarantula covered in shit.

Then I dreamed that I suddenly remembered my parents’ number after not being able to remember it for so long and decided I would finally give them a call since they were likely getting worried.

In the last dream, I was in either a private school or some kind of jail. At least I think I was and that I was there against my will.

There were about four girls to a room and each room had its own locker for whatever. I kept a paper journal in one of them and one of the girls read some nasty things I wrote about one of the other girls. Something about her lips looking funny. So she ratted me out when we were all getting ready for bed. I was getting nervous because I was outnumbered. So I left the room as they flung insults at me and headed for the community bathroom.

In the doorway of the bathroom was a staff member or guard. I learned quickly that she was a lesbian because she was telling another student/prisoner about her girlfriend.

Then she turned to me and studied me and told me my “hills” were as hot as she was dangerous. Because most people are so anti-blunt and afraid to refer to something as what it is, I had to guess that “hills” was code for fat rolls.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2020 The doctor finally quit pestering me. She wished me luck at the new place and encouraged me to get my Well Woman exams and all that and says she’s not 100% sure where she’s going. At first, I was thinking, but I didn’t even ask, and then it hit me that maybe she thinks we’re moving but staying in the area. I think they’re not allowed to say where they’re going because I know that a doctor can’t transfer from one medical group to another and take their patients with them. She was a nice lady. Just not always consistent and coordinated with her staff.

Well, hopefully I didn’t jinx myself by canceling because I swear I feel cramps at times. That can be a normal sign of aging, though, since the uterus lining tends to thin out just like skin does, so I’m not worried. The most important thing is that I’m not bleeding or having a discharge. I wasn’t kidding when I said I don’t think I could stand the testing and treatment and that I would be better off letting any female cancer just kill me, even though I still prefer to stay alive while he’s alive as long as I’m not suffering in any way.

I’ve been slacking off on going low-carb and I’m up a couple of pounds, so I’ll jump back on it. I may not care about losing weight, but I still care about gaining. When I’m somewhere in my 70s, I’ll quit caring about that too, LOL.

The sun (and planes) are out, so I’ll probably go for a walk today. Not going outside of the park for a week now that we got some stuff from Rite Aid, and we’re having groceries delivered.

Tom just read that there have been 20 Citrus Heights cases so far and one death.

How do Muslim women breathe? I was looking for videos on how they put their scarves on that cover their face except for their eyes but all I could find were videos on how they put scarves on with their entire face exposed. I managed to take my pink floral scarf and wrap it in a way that covered my nose and mouth and he made one from a piece of cloth and rubber bands to hook around his ears which he learned from a video. It just wasn’t always so easy to breathe.

Anyway, despite being totally against much of what many Muslim women stand for, they sure are gorgeous. I’ve always preferred dark over light, anyway. Dark eyes, dark hair and medium skin tones.

Mrs. Twenties was laughing as we drove by and she saw my little makeshift mask, haha. Again, I can’t help but think of and agree with how Dixie said this pandemic is straight out of a science fiction movie. They’re dropping like flies today but predicting this to be over by June. There may still be some deaths, but I hope they’re right just the same. Cali would be like New York had we not locked down as soon as we did.

Our eyes were exposed even though we had our glasses on, and that’s a risk if someone near you sneezes or coughs. Had anyone sneezed or coughed that close, I would have made damn sure it was the last time they ever sneezed or coughed at all, that’s how pissed I would have been. One dumbcock was getting on my nerves as it was by getting too close and I made sure he could hear me complain to Tom that it was kind of hard to social distance yourself when people kept walking right up to you. I swear most guys are so fucking dumb. They really are.

But not nearly as much as Kim is annoying the shit out of my buddy and I with her constant messages that are so long and rambling about the same old things over and over again. Does she really need to ask me 3 times a day what coffee flavor I last had? Most of what she rambles about has to do with the virus and June, the older woman she’s obsessed with. She even sent me a text she sent her complaining about her bugging her, and there was her full name too, which is why I’m careful what info I give Kim.

Sometimes I think I should ghost her, but I don’t know. Since her worst crime these days is just being a pest, I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. It’s a little harder to ghost when a person is too fucked in the head to know any better. I don’t doubt that she has some awareness but it’s not like those who are sane. The termites may not be the brightest people on earth, but they knew damn well what they were doing when they chose to troll me just like I did when I used to be into trolling. It isn’t that Kim doesn’t know what she’s doing, but I don’t think people like her have the kind of control and rational thinking that most people have if that makes any sense.

I wouldn’t normally be friends with someone like her so I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this time. I still prefer to associate with those who are sane and stable. If you’re bipolar, you have emotional problems, or you have whatever the hell Kim has, there’s just way too much drama and toxicity when it comes to people like that. I’m not talking about the occasional anger, anxiety and depression we all get. I’m not perfect myself but I just can’t tolerate those that get ecstatic over virtually nothing in one breath and then batshit furious in the next over something they’ve either misconstrued or completely imagine. Or stupid idiots like Kim that just don’t get things no matter how you present something to them and no matter how many times you do it.

I’m undecided for now, as I said, on what I’m going to do about her. As I told my buddy, I’m not worried about her stalking me because she has no way of anonymously fucking with me. If she ever reached out to anyone I’m connected to on Facebook, then I’ll contact her sister. I’m not so sure she would do that now. I think she may bash me in stories and blogs somewhere, but I wouldn’t give a shit.

I wouldn’t block her if I did ghost her. I would simply ignore her. You can’t confront people like Kim and give any kind of a parting explanation without it backfiring. I learned that on Ask years ago.

Aly feels like she’s trying to bait her into a fight over the Coronavirus.

MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2020 Oh, those pesky doctors. I know they’re just doing their job, but they’re frustrating anyway. I received a message from my GYN’s office wanting me to come in this week for the procedure. They had a late afternoon appointment available on the 8th I could have made but then I said wait a minute. The “procedure?” I thought this was just for a regular PAP.

But not only does she want to do that and a mammogram, but she also wants to do an endometrial biopsy ASAP. This is the procedure my GYN had told me they put people to sleep for but then her nurse told me I wouldn’t be put to sleep at all. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten mixed info from this doctor and her staff either. My GYN is a very nice lady and while she may mean well, I’m not interested in any lady exams right now. I totally believe without a doubt that I don’t have cancer. My hormones got a little wacky and triggered a period. That’s all that happened. I agree with Tom’s theory. He thinks it happened because I was low on thyroid.

Then I got a message on the portal from the nurse to the doctor and the doctor’s response. I replied saying I believed that since my thyroid medication makes me anxious at times and I have to taper off the dose periodically, it seems reasonable that it was just a hormone imbalance. Plus, the bleeding did stop a month ago.

The type of biopsy she’s talking about doing would be utterly excruciatingly. If what I had in the late 90s could be as painful as it was with them simply taking pictures, then I don’t see how I could stand to have my uterus cut, no matter how small the cut may be. A woman’s cervix and uterus are her most sensitive parts. You can’t mess with those and not cause pain. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if childbirth had killed me, I’m such a wimp down there. Even if I did have cancer, I could never stand the treatment. I would literally be better off dead and just letting it kill me.

If the bleeding didn’t stop or I’d had no PMS beforehand, then I would think something was up. If I had been bleeding from cancer, the bleeding wouldn’t have stopped. Cancer doesn’t change its mind. But I not only feel confident I don’t have cancer and trust my intuition, I also don’t want to go there with the virus still going on and put myself at risk of getting sick unnecessarily.

She said something about some kind of ultrasound that measures the thickness of my lining or something like that but even that would be painful, and also unnecessary. This wouldn’t be totally free, and we are saving to move. Then there’s a part I can’t tell them and that’s that I know it’s not my time yet.

So I sarcastically joked about her sending me a gift card or taking me to Red Lobster and then maybe I would do it and this seemed to not so much make Tom paranoid but I could tell he didn’t like my being “weird.” I did regret it afterward, I will admit. Then he goes on to say that this isn’t going to stop us from moving but if I get that way with the park or neighbors, it will.

I don’t think so. People don’t have that much control over us. Maybe they once did but part of that was our fault for letting them. We’re smarter people now than we were in the past. And what is the park going to do? Tell us we can’t move because we’re too sarcastic or weird?

Thanks to Lawrence letting his trees grow like crazy in front of his place, it’s invited the woodpecker back to pick shit that blows across and onto our patio roof. Let me guess…we’re the only ones with this problem around here, right? And I’m the only one who got woken up last night by the horrible stench of whatever skunk let one rip close to the house, right? Ugh, it was totally gross. I can’t even go out walking at night anymore because it seems that each year there are more and more of them. I don’t understand why Animal Control isn’t doing anything to get rid of them. They need to start trapping and killing some of these bastards. I don’t give a shit how cute they may be or how much it would piss off the animal rights activists. A person’s right not to have to smell and breathe that shit in should matter more. I’m so fucking sick of this place. Just so, so sick of it. I hate it here for so many reasons!

We had more rain today but there were some clear patches. Clear enough for the planes to be annoying. Why the fuck is anyone traveling now, anyway?

After thinking about it and discussing it some more, yes, we’ll keep all our options open, but we’re much more likely to end up in Florida than anywhere else. Unless we see the perfect piece of land in the perfect location with the perfect house on it, I’m thinking we’ll end up in a Florida park. Yes, I still have my two main concerns…one being how the climate may affect us, and the other being how often storms may take out our power or at least wake me up. But I’m tired of being cold, I miss being closer to beaches, and it’s much more practical when you’re getting older. It’s just so much more convenient. We definitely won’t do big cities anymore, though.

I figure it’s got to be quieter than this if we get a place on a dead-end and out of a flight path. Once we’ve eliminated the planes and the traffic, then all I should have to deal with would be projects, and if there were fewer houses around us, then that’s fewer chances for projects, even though all it takes is one bad neighbor. Just one project junkie is all it takes to ruin the peace. But still, it’s got to be quieter and less of a threat to my sleep as long as the storms don’t make up for the traffic.

Kim has been driving Aly and me crazy lately. Because she’s home all the time with nothing better to do, she’s bombarding us with tons of long rambling, repetitious messages about the same old shit. Even June, this older woman she’s obsessed with, is getting fed up and I guess she told her to stop texting her. If I understood her correctly, she was texting the shit out of her when she was expecting a text from someone important.

I only remember a quick second of a dream I had where I was walking in back of a grocery store looking at cooked foods. I felt a little down but was determined to be as happy as possible as I moved away from the display case and continued on walking through the store.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2020 After nearly spraining my wrist trying to move Suki, I can begin writing.

Yesterday I realized we had a few extra plastic totes that were empty. They’re way better than cardboard boxes when it comes to storing things and especially moving since they can’t get waterlogged, you can see through the clear ones to see what’s in them, and they’re much sturdier.

So I began gathering some collectibles. I figured it would not only give me less to dust for a while but if they were packed away for some time, I would get a chance to miss them a little before eventually unpacking them wherever we end up. Kind of brings a little newness back to them.

As I realized the beginning of the end had begun, a tear fell from my eye. And then another squeezed out. Ah, happy tears. :-)

So we’re going to get plastic totes little by little and I’ll start throwing in some non-essentials. The hardest things to pack are going to be my mini-statues. The angel that holds the crystal ball that normally goes outdoors in gardens is going to be a bit of a bitch because she’s so damn heavy. I can’t believe all the shit I’ve accumulated over the years but not all of it is going. Most of it but not all.

Normally I’m a stickler for helping out my own as I would rather help someone in my own backyard than some other country. But when it comes to the old dolls I’m not taking, a part of me wishes I could magically transport them to the poorest of kids in the poorest of countries that don’t have stores all over the place and things like Goodwill where they can get at least something every now and then. I mean, why not?

I have a couple of paper journals that I had gotten for writing on planes when traveling but since we didn’t travel nearly as much as we planned on when we first got here, I haven’t used them up. One of them I can’t find but the other I’m filling up and will leave it with the old books on the bookcase that were left here before we moved in. I’m sure if the next people go through it, they’ll love reading all about the shit I have to listen to most days here and then some!

We’ve had some thunderstorms today, and both today and yesterday have actually been pretty peaceful. Just a few loud vehicles.

We looked at some land listings available in New Mexico between Albuquerque and Santa Fe. Being from Arizona, he’s been there several times and likes those areas better than down by Las Cruces where Becky is. It’s really going to be a tough call between a Florida park and rural New Mexico. Yes, I would love to move to Florida and never be cold again, but we can’t know beforehand how that climate may affect our health. Or how often the storms may mess with my sleep. I’m too light of a sleeper for so much thunder. Also, I don’t know that we would be able to afford exactly what we wanted there, and the last thing I want to do is settle. We’re not rich, so of course we’re going to have to settle somewhat, but there’s settling and then there’s settling.

The pros to a Florida Park would be the weather, the fact that we would again be with older people, and it would be safer and more convenient.

The negatives are mostly that people just can’t shut up. I’ve learned that over the years. You don’t have to be a large Mexican family or a pack of welfare bums to drive me crazy. Even the single old white lady or man can be annoying, usually not by themselves but by those they hire to do projects for them. The point is that people make noise, and the closer you are to them and so many of them, the more you’re going to hear. Houses should never be noisier than apartments. Ever. Yet I’ve had some apartments that were actually quieter than this place even though that may have been centuries ago.

The pros of going rural would be that we could have more breathing space around us and more freedom. We could put in our own little above-ground pool if we wanted to since we wouldn’t be near the beach, and create walking and biking paths depending on the type of land and terrain.

We could get something brand-new. We would prefer to move into something that already has a dump on it so we would not only have a place to stay until we had our home built and hauled in if we didn’t build something ourselves (yes, we are looking at kits), but places with homes already on them tend to have water and electricity. I don’t want to start from scratch and get raw land as we did in Maricopa and Klamath.

Another positive is that we would own it outright with no payments other than property taxes. In a park, you still have space rent.

The negatives are that you can’t control what may happen on the adjoining properties, and there tends to be a lot of barking and loose dogs in rural places.

The biggest potential concern is the response time in an emergency. With him retired we would have the time to make the longer drives for regular doctor check-ups and things like that, but emergencies might be a problem.

It’s not quite as safe either. Not being in a gated community raises the potential for a home invasion.

The other negative is that we would be dealing with colder weather and possibly even some snow in the winter depending on where we went. We wouldn’t have such wild storms as we did in Maricopa during the monsoon season. Those storms were like, OMG! Deafening thunder like gunshots and lightning flickering on and off like a strobe light. Trying to sleep to that wasn’t easy because it was like someone flicking your light switch on and off constantly. It was definitely the kind of storm I thought only existed on TV.

I’ll never forget the night I casually walked up to the living room window and gazed out of it. I could see lights twinkling in the distance up to 40 miles away. I turned and looked away for a second and then when I looked back there was nothing. Just total blackness. I thought, uh-oh, here we go! Then… Boom! I felt and heard the wall of dust slam into the house and the storm was on. It was fun and exciting but also annoying, especially when we would lose power.

The next day the roads were flooded and water was running down the washes so fiercely that we had to shout to hear each other talk and then we saw something you rarely see in the desert… Green! It was very short-lived, though.

He was printing some 3D face masks using flexible plastic but had a hard time getting them small enough for my face, so I decided I would just use a scarf when out in public. We’re now making more of a point of not going out unless it’s absolutely necessary, and having groceries delivered as well. We may be healthy and we may have tough immune systems but I’m hearing more and more stories about younger, healthy people dying from it or at least getting seriously ill. These are people in their twenties, too. One of the saddest and scariest stories was of a couple in their 70s who were healthy and ended up dying within 6 minutes of each other. Even though my gut says it isn’t our time yet and I’m rarely wrong on these things, I don’t want to take any chances of adding our names to the statistics.

My schedule has been rolling a lot faster these days and getting to the dentist tomorrow would have been pretty tough had they not canceled since I wouldn’t have wanted to get up later than 7 and I slept until 9 today. My schedule tends to go faster when I sleep at night, though. But rolling faster is going to help me get to the ENT and GYN easier.

I let Fuzzy visit Blitz yesterday and he was so happy. It was so cute the way he was popcorning and he even let Fuzzy clean his head for a bit. Rats are clean freaks contrary to popular belief. I don’t think either of the pigs ever wanted to be alone but once Rockefeller became afraid of Blitz when he started turning the tables and bullying him back, he wanted to be alone. Blitz never wanted to be alone either but he’s too much of a bully except with Fuzzy. I don’t know why he started bullying Rockefeller, but I can only guess it’s like a woman who gets fed up with an abusive man who finally snaps and fights back. Rockefeller used to bully him when they were babies and one day he just decided it was time to give him a taste of his own medicine.

It’s fun for both of them to visit each other but they can’t live together because Fuzzy wouldn’t always give him the peace he’d want when trying to sleep and he would try to hide all the food, too. But quick daily visits are good because then Blitz gets some company and Fuzzy can be the little scavenger that he is.

Last night I had a dream I was in a hotel room by myself. It was very small and had a bunk bed instead of a regular bed. I was sleeping on the top. I knew the housekeeper was coming around soon even though it was late at night. I decided to go for a walk first on the indoor track the hotel had with marble floors.

When I got back, I found the housekeeper’s cart sitting in the hall but no housekeeper. I helped myself to clean sheets and stuffed the old ones on the cart.

I really liked some of the chalet models with lofts when looking at home kits. I wouldn’t mind having two floors. It would be fun and great exercise running up and down the stairs.

Anyway, when I break the positives and negatives down into lists as I have below, you would think Florida would be the better deal for us, and it very well might be if we could find the ideal place and it turned out that the climate wouldn’t be an issue for us health-wise and I wouldn’t sleep worse with all the thunderstorms they have. There simply isn’t any way to know for sure without actually experiencing it. But then some of these things are more important than others like how I may be willing to put up with winters similar to what we have here and maybe even a dusting of snow to get some peace and quiet after years of living in a zoo. Several feet of snow, though? No fucking way! On the other hand, although we could never afford to live on the island my parents lived on (Nettles Island), I would take all the noise in the world to live there.

Florida positives: Safer from potential home invasions Better weather Shorter drive to doctors and stores Less response time in an emergency Neighbors around if we needed help with anything like a ride if our car broke down Beaches

Florida negatives: Humidity and possibly more allergy/asthma problems Noisier Space rent Could be woken up by storms/hurricane risk

New Mexico positives: Own it outright Brand new custom home More freedom (pools, etc.) Quieter

New Mexico negatives: Not as safe Not good for emergencies Could get trouble from adjacent properties Colder winters Longer drives to stores and doctors

SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 2020 Xfinity was showing Lifetime movies for free until the 9th which I was psyched to learn since I love Lifetime movies. But then they fucking removed one before I could finish it. I found it on YouTube and even though it was shitty quality and choppy with a few seconds here and there missing and the very end edited out, I was able to watch the rest of it there.

For just $3.99 a month, we signed up for Lifetime Movie Club. If I like it as much as I think I will, we’ll get a year for $40.

Again we’re having cold, rainy weather which is unusual for this time of year. At least it saves money on the AC and is better for sleeping.

I feel like I could be on the verge of having one of those infamous autoimmune flares, even though I don’t feel anxious. I just feel overly wound up, so I’ll cut my waiting time on my meds tomorrow morning rather than cut the dose.

I had a dream I had a backpack sitting in the kitchen and it started smoking like it was about to catch fire.

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2020 Went out walking at 7 a.m. but was only out for 10 minutes because it was just so damn cold. They said it was 43 degrees, but it felt like 30. I’m not walking anymore unless it’s over 55 degrees! It’s like we’re stuck in this endless winter. The afternoons are okay but it’s cold the rest of the time, and we have another round of rain coming too.

Later we ran out to Rite Aid. It was weird seeing people in masks and the manager announcing reminders about social distancing.

For a largely Democratic state, there sure are a lot of Trump supporters around based on their flags and shit like that.

My heart went into A-Fib again as I was falling asleep yesterday. It only lasted for about three seconds, but I still hate it when it does that and I hope there never comes a point where it’s doing it more often and even in my sleep.

I’m still perfecting my journals a month at a time whenever I can to make them more readable in case I schedule them to publish after I’m gone. I kind of like the idea of helping future historians to see how people lived during these times, even though I still doubt people will exist beyond another hundred or two hundred years from now. If they do, my journals will make no sense in another twenty thousand years or so as new languages evolve and old ones die off. I’m sure there will be some people that can figure them out like there are still some people who can read Old English.

My schedule has been rolling a little faster lately and we’re thinking it’s because I’m not so low on thyroid. It seems like low thyroid really does slow everything down, including my schedule. Lately, it’s averaging closer to an hour and a half a day rather than an hour and 15 minutes but this is just an average. Not a daily thing. It only jumped an hour today.

Sometimes I wonder…what if I had given in to Andy? What if I had simply given in to the things he insisted were true no matter how much they really weren’t and said I’d done the things he’d pressure and sometimes cruelly tease me about doing? Yeah, what if I’d told him that no, I didn’t really have a sleep disorder and that I’d gotten a job - maybe cleaning people’s houses - and magically conquered my driving phobia, too. What if I’d just kept the peace by going along with him and therefore keeping him off my ass? Would I have been any happier having him in my life? I’m guessing not. I’d feel horrible for lying and knowing I was being untrue to both him and me. Plus, he would only keep up with the arrogance and negativity and continue to be judgmental and pushy. Eventually, it would have gotten hard for me to keep up with all the lies I had to tell him just to please him and keep him off my ass. Yeah, we had some fun moments but what kind of friendship did we really have otherwise? He eventually came to see the error of some of his ways to a degree but for the most part, he was never gonna change, I was never good enough for him and therefore he wasn’t good enough for me.

A little while ago, I had my air cleaner turned on high in my office so it would drown out some outside noise. Then I heard these weird sounds that I thought were coming from Tom. I thought he was playing some game or watching a show. When I stepped out of my room, though, I found him getting dressed and asked where he was going. He said he was going out to see what all the Hawking was about. I told him I thought it was him, but it was definitely coming from outside. So we go outside to find a parade of golf carts and cars going around the circle as if it’s July 4th when they do their regular parades. Some of the people wore masks. I guess these old folks are getting really tired of being under house arrest!

Tom was glad when they finally left because it was hurting his bad ear as loud sounds do. I haven’t heard any sawing and hammering today, but the planes were annoying as fuck this morning, and we definitely had some loud traffic. There’s always something going on here.

Found that Doc A is friends with Doc G. I’m not surprised. I saw an interesting picture of G feeding a bottle of milk to a full-grown tiger. Even though the tiger had a chain around its neck, that really takes guts since they can turn on you at any time. She looked so much younger and thinner in the picture. In fact, she really didn’t even look fat at all.

Looks like she’s with a Hispanic guy and has a kid now that’s about a year old named Mateo.

THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2020 Watching the Alex Cooper story on Hulu makes me dislike Mormons even more than I already do. Yeah, folks, hate breeds hate and I make no apologies for the ill feelings I have for them. Some people really do make their own haters by their own shitty, hateful, cruel, twisted and unfair behavior.

Damn the person that invented religion! It’s done a hell of a lot more harm than good because so many use it as a weapon to judge, criticize and condemn others. Why the hell do you have to condemn those who are different just because you have a particular way in mind you like to live by that works for you? I’m disgusted, ashamed and appalled by the way so many Mormons and their sick churches treat those who are different. Stop playing the God that likely doesn’t even exist!

I’m also coming to hate living with older people because all they do is drive me crazy. If it isn’t them doing something loud, annoying and distracting, they’re hiring people to do it for them or using younger family members like what I’m guessing is the son or grandson of Dahl. Yeah, again with the fucking hammers and saws, though I think the hammers were contributed by the “leaker” house. The house with the leaky roof that we looked at before this place and decided it would cost too much to fix up. Really, I’m sick of this shit. Just so, SO fucking sick of it! Every other place I’ve lived in I heard projects a few times a year. Here it’s more than a few times a month and it’s ridiculous. No one in an adult community should have to worry that when they have their video appointment with their doctor in a few hours, the background may be filled with annoying and distracting saws and hammers and who knows what else.

This is where I sometimes wonder if there’s a noise curse on me. I think most things are just happenstance or because of someone’s actions. But when I see a pattern, those are the things that make me wonder.

Welfare bums blasting music, screaming kids and barking in Phoenix. Sonic booms and barking in Maricopa. Mutts and boom stereos in Klamath. Jesse’s projects and mutts in Auburn. Projects, landscaping, planes and traffic here. Who the hell gets all this shit??? In houses.

So naturally, my first thought is how utterly appealing being right smack-dab in the middle of a 40-acre parcel of land in the middle of the desert would be. But then I would just have to deal with sonic booms and if I didn’t, we’d have to go back to relying on wells which are always a problem, and goodbye high-speed internet too. We also wouldn’t be able to get help right away in the event of an emergency. We’re healthy right now, but if one of us has a heart attack 20 years from now, I don’t want to have to wait nearly an hour for help when every minute counts. I guess this means that since I’ve been trying to escape noise unsuccessfully for most of my adult life, I might as well quit bothering to try. I think the best we can do is get out of a flight path and off a busy street. Otherwise, there’s always going to be some shit no matter where we go. But if I can get the nights and early mornings back, I’ll settle for that much and just deal with projects, vehicles, barking and whatnot during the daytime. Therefore, we’ll just focus on climate, costs and the house itself when it comes time to hunt for a place, and not worry too much about what’s around it as long as it’s on a quieter street and out of the flight path. It’s 5am now and I can hear the freeway. In another half-hour, the planes will hit the scene.

The fact that there has been so much sawing since the bastard moved in across the street makes me think it can’t all be necessary. They would practically be having to tear it all down and rebuild it from scratch to be needing to cut this much wood. This is why I’m starting to suspect the son does this as a hobby and is using his carport because he’s probably not allowed to do this shit wherever he lives. As I’ve always said, it isn’t so much the residents that are the issue here but their visitors. I’ve never lived in another adult community, so I have nothing to compare it to. I can’t say if this is the new norm for most adult communities, something about this state, or this particular park.

In other news, I finished my book at almost 10K words in 11 days. Decided not to publish it by itself. Instead, I’m going to publish a collection of short stories, but it will be a while before I do that.

Almost a million COVIDs. :( Last I heard they were projecting possibly half a million deaths worldwide by the time this is finally over. That number may be scary in itself but I’m still not worried for us personally when you consider that it isn’t much in comparison to the global population. I still say the odds are in our favor and even if we did get it, it wouldn’t likely be an automatic death sentence.

Norma reacted to one of my posts but I’m guessing that might be because I reacted to a few of hers. In all honesty, I did it to test her. I was curious to see if there would be anything in return. I still don’t hear much from her and I think I can guess why, though I’m okay with it.

Later…

I know I went on quite a rant about bigoted Mormons in light of that movie I saw based on a true story, and I should point out that yes, I know not all Mormons are haters.

It got my mind wandering all different places, though. First, you have people like me who believe that love is love and that if there is a God, he doesn’t hate you for being attracted to the same sex. Then there are those who believe He hates gays and is going to condemn them to hell and alienate them in the afterlife.

I realize that none of us can ever really know the truth. You can believe something, but you can’t know it for a fact without actually seeing it. I totally hate to think of the possibility that others could be right, and I realize that there’s just as much of a possibility of that as there is of me being right. I doubt there’s a God, an afterlife, or anything that hates gays but when you consider that they’re the most discriminated group in history, it does make you wonder. Why would you create a group you knew was going to have to endure so much shit? For one who’s been attracted to both genders, it makes me think about all the shit I’ve gone through in my life. We all go through shit in life but not everyone has a mother as I had, ends up a ward of the state, and I could go on and on with all kinds of other things that seem a bit extreme and not all that common but I won’t. The point is that you can hope something is a certain way but you can never know for sure until you’re actually dead for good unless dead really is just dead.

Had my video appointment with Dr. A. She warned me on the portal that she might be 15 minutes late, but she was a half-hour late. It was different and definitely easier this way.

She called in my refills and confirmed that no, I don’t have polycythemia. I didn’t think so. She said she didn’t see it in my records and said some other term for those with slightly elevated red blood cell counts as I have. I doubt I’ll ever have polycythemia.

So I told her he was laid off and we had a change of insurance and wasn’t sure what was going on with us, and then I made the mistake of telling her that I had a period after 15 months. She said that’s not unheard of but that I shouldn’t have had a period after 12 months and highly recommends I see my GYN in case it’s cancer or some kind of hormonal imbalance. My gut says no cancer. If I hadn’t had PMS symptoms beforehand then I might have worried, but hormonal imbalance? Well, we know my hormones have been crazy for a few years so that one I could buy.

She said my GYN is leaving July 1st and at that point, it came up that we would probably be leaving the state in a year. What was that expression I saw on her face when I told her that? Wish I had the video saved somehow so I could replay it. I’m not sure if it was surprise, disappointment or what but there was definitely some kind of reaction. I didn’t expect that since I’m sure all doctors have patients coming and going throughout their careers.

Anyway, a part of me is sorry I mentioned the period because I not only hate lady exams but the last thing I want is another appointment. And then I fucked up with the schedule program when her nurse called practically 2 minutes after our video chat to schedule me for my next appointment with Doc A in October and the GYN. My schedule has been jumping a little faster lately for some reason and I accidentally set the program to p.m. when it should have been a.m. We’re going to leave it for now rather than call back to reschedule because I plan to try to push it to make my ENT 20 days beforehand. So if I can push it for that I might be able to make the GYN as well. The ENT is on June 10th and the GYN is on the 30th, Dr. G’s last day.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2020 Damn, am I embarrassed for myself when I read back in the 90s on how much I had to fight and beg Tom for sex! Yes, I do believe he had a genuine problem, and no, I don’t believe he was deliberately playing with my head or teasing me even though it felt that way at the time, but still. It’s kind of humiliating and embarrassing to remember those days since it’s just not something a woman normally goes through with a man. It’s almost always the other way around. He still put his own reluctance to deal with it be it due to embarrassment or a lack of desire to have a kid above my emotions, but I think that’s the only thing he’s ever done that with, and it did work out in the end. Just a shitty thing to have to go through and definitely embarrassing.

Not surprisingly, the dentist’s office called yesterday to cancel my appointment. They’re not seeing anyone other than for emergencies until May at which time someone will get ahold of me to reschedule me.

Got my first CN chapter done and the story is going to be a combination of the dream I had and my imagination working together. I might change the title and the book cover. I decided to have a fictitious character get hired as a nanny to a 6-year-old girl. This will be set in the luxury high-rise apartment I saw in my dream that my ENT owned. She won’t realize it’s a patient of hers that her mother hired until after the fact and will decide to keep the patient as a nanny and have her get a new ENT. One of the neighbors will be based on a real-life Lebanese actress. “Renee” and this character can do all kinds of things together behind the doctor’s back.

I’m also nearing the end of my story with the crazy landlord.

Yesterday wasn’t too peaceful with lots of landscaping. Overall, the traffic and planes are much quieter than usual which is the only good in this pandemic. I guess they’re projecting the same number of people to die in the US that died in the 2004 tsunami.

I take that back. The planes are more noticeable today. But why?

What is it with all the pig dreams lately? I had a dream I was out walking somewhere. I just started jogging around a street corner when I heard a police car squawk at me. I wasn’t sure if I should stop or keep running. I knew I was to meet Tom who was heading toward me from the opposite direction and was hoping he would get to me fast in case the cops wanted to mess with me for some reason.

Then I had some dream that I was working in some building that had closed. It was early evening and the sun had just set. I found a child sleeping under a piece of furniture and then called Tom to pick me up, but he never answered.